Good evening everyone, hello, hello, y'all I can't believe I'm even gonna say this, but
I'm sick again, y'all.
So those of you that are praying for us, please keep praying.
The enemy's really been fighting.
I'm blaming it on my husband though, it's kind of funny.
He got it first, y'all.
I told him to keep his germs to himself and he didn't.
But anyways, we're going through a lot of warfare in our church physically, and so thank
you everyone who prays so faithfully for Jackie and David and the team.
God is good, and he keeps meeting us in the middle of all this.
And so I'm excited to still be here with y'all tonight, but I tell you that because I might
have to stop and drink my tea from my throat here every now and then.
So just giving you that heads up in advance.
And it's gonna be a great session.
I am gonna coach for a shorter period as far as like content in the beginning.
I just felt led, as soon as I knew about a week ago that I was doing this session tonight,
I really felt led to leave more time for the heartwork seat tonight.
Interestingly enough, I was on one of the prayer calls this week and someone asked,
can we have more time for the heartwork coaching for people to get in the seat?
And I just felt like that was just another confirmation.
So we're gonna do that tonight, but I'm excited to bring you some things just to help you
all.
For those of you who've already done the heartwork, you've been through it before.
We have some guys that I know are new to our community doing heartwork right now that might
be with us tonight.
Know that we're praying for you.
Whether you've done it before, you're doing it again, you're revisiting content, wherever
you find yourself, if you're brand new for the men, God has some really amazing things
to uncover and reveal tonight for us.
I believe he's gonna help you all unpack the, what is the broken heart and how do we get
caught up in these counterfeit identities?
I think he's gonna bring that revelation a little deeper for those of you that have kind
of been trying to understand what's leading you to pick people still that aren't healthy
for you.
Like, you know, cause sometimes we go down a trail with someone and we're like, wait
a minute, how did I end up here again?
If you are like me, that's what I did in the past.
God had to really show me things that were still in my heart that I did not even realize
were still there.
After much healing, I had done a lot of work before I even came into the community and
God revealed so much more while I was here.
And so I'm gonna go ahead and pray and we're gonna jump right in.
Father, thank you so much for just the fact that you love us.
Your loving kindness leads us to repentance, it leads us to transformation, it leads us
to healing.
God, we thank you that you would reveal things in us, God, that we don't even know are still
there.
God, those hooks, those habits, those hang ups, the things that are causing us to still
get stuck, to choose the wrong people, to even feel gravitated towards them, like there's
some kind of chemistry there.
But Lord God, sometimes what we think is chemistry is actually something that is not good, that's
leading us to people that are not good for us.
So Lord, I pray that you would just bring divine revelation and insight tonight.
Lord, help us hear what your spirit is saying.
Not just me conveying something to all of them, but God, what are you saying to them?
What's the one or two things you need them to walk away with tonight to bring them breakthrough
and supernatural revealings for healing?
We thank you, Holy Spirit, that you're here with us.
Father, thank you that you never leave us, you never forsake us, that you're always with
us.
And Jesus, thank you for the sacrifice you made on the cross for our freedom.
It's because of your blood, it's because of what you did, that we can be set free on
any level.
And so we just apply the blood of Jesus Christ to every person that is here alive.
Those that are going to watch the replay, God, we know that your word and Jesus, we
know your truth and Holy Spirit, that the blood is what sets us free.
The truth is what sets us free.
So help us to have that truth and that reminder of the blood that's covering us, that's already
provided the way for us tonight, in Jesus name, amen.
So you all, some of this you might have heard, don't check out if you think you hear me saying
something you've heard before, because if you all haven't heard me say this, back in
the day, I think I, you know, when I first started coaching the heart work, I think I
watched some of those videos, I'm not kidding, five, six, seven, eight times over and over.
I've read the book multiple times.
In order to coach it, I had to absorb it, I had to literally like continue to eat the
truth in it.
And it's just like a song, when you hear a song over and over and over, sometimes at
the right appointed time that you need that song, what happens?
It bubbles up in your spirit.
So I hope that some of you will, it doesn't mean you have to stay in the ICU forever,
but man, when we get a revelation, when we're, we're sensing God setting us free on like
whatever it is that we're reading, we're doing, man, let's get back and revisit that stuff.
So we're going to, we're going to dive into the scripture, Proverbs 4.23.
This is from the ESV version.
It says this, keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.
Tonight, the goal is to help us go somewhere very specific to help you guys refine the tools that you've already been given.
So for some of you, you're kind of like, man, you know, I already kind of get it.
I don't need to get those tools back out.
If you're ever like me, even all these years in, sometimes I'm like, do I have to do the prayer sheet again?
You know, you revisit something.
And it's not the Lord, like making us do anything ever.
It's an invitation.
So always remember that.
But here's the thing.
Some of us are repeating patterns for you all.
I'm already married.
So I'm going to talk to those of you that are still in the dating process.
You know, you're repeating patterns in your dating life.
And some of you cannot figure out why, you know, better, or maybe in the past you knew better, but you chose that person back then.
Some of you are still choosing those people now, and this isn't to shame you.
It's hopefully going to give you revelation on why that keeps happening.
And for some of you, you don't even realize right now you're dating someone that fits this category, someone that's not healthy for you.
And so, you know, so many of us saw red flags or maybe even orange flags, and we explained them away.
Now, some of us are totally on high alert all the time that some people have green flags and we're like, we're thinking they're red and they're actually green flags.
So we're not going to necessarily talk about the green flags tonight, but I'm saying that to bring some balance here, because we don't want you all just trying to go out looking for all the red flags.
But it's just to draw awareness to some of the processes you all are walking out that are leading you to explain away things and doubt what the Holy Spirit is showing you.
Especially for those of you that maybe you tend to see that, you know, in the past, and you're just trying to be really careful to apply what you've been learning here, and you don't want to make mistakes.
And that's not a bad thing. Remember, that's part of why we build in the community to come in and tell us, what are you experiencing? Who are the people that you're dating? How is it going? Why?
So you can have some training wheels, y'all, because some of you, you're not ready to ride the bike by yourself. You're just not. I love you enough to tell you that.
I, when I went through this program, I needed training wheels, because I didn't know how to choose someone healthy, because I didn't learn that growing up.
I saw a lot of bad stuff. I went through a lot of bad stuff. And until I had people around me to help me recognize, I didn't have to keep putting up with the bad behavior, just because I'm a Christian, and I got to give them the benefit of the doubt.
We do that, don't we? Sometimes too much. And so, but we also don't want to be so rigid.
The ladies, I'm not saying men, men get rigid too, sometimes. But the ladies, some of us, we get so critical and so rigid, because of hurt we've been through that, man, we're like, we're just like, keep them at an arm's length. No way, men are bad, even though we're saying we want to meet someone.
And so maybe you find yourself somewhere in that tonight. So I want to give you some language for what's happening in you when your broken heart is leading you to pick unhealthy people to explain away red flags.
If you remember, our broken heart doesn't just wound us, right? It doesn't just create these wounds and these things, it actually causes us to have an actual counterfeit identity built within us. Sometimes multiple counterfeit identities are shown up there.
That doesn't mean you're not a real person, y'all. Okay, remember, this is just basically the filters that you are looking at everybody through. Everything that you're hearing goes through a filter. And if your filters, your eye filter, and your ear filter, and your heart filter, have a bunch of junk in there, that's not good for you, that's wounds from the past or trauma, you are literally interpreting everything through that stuff.
So tonight, I'm just going to go ahead and get you started in the chat. I want to hear from you guys, one word, try to keep it to one word. If you have to do a couple words, that's fine. But let's not do a paragraph, because I want this to be real quick, whatever comes up in your spirit.
What is the pattern you keep repeating in relationships that you cannot explain? It doesn't even have to only be romantic, it could be friendships, it could be family. So let's just answer that question. What's the pattern you keep repeating and relationships that you cannot explain? Deborah says withdrawal, Justin, independence, unavailable, negativity, withdrawal, not letting people get close, no bandwidth, immature, push pull. Okay, so you're pushing people away, pulling them
Back in, I'm guessing is what that means. Judgment, over performance. I think this one's quiet.
Overgiving, dropping the ball. I'm trying to keep up. These are good. Hesitation and self-doubt. Yeah,
such good ones. Rejection. Some of you all believe you're being rejected when God is
redirecting you. I wanted to say that. Scarcity mindsets. A lot of overextending here.
Not advocating for myself. Okay, so really at the core, if you think about that,
y'all, if we feel like we're not advocating ourselves, a lot of time we don't even know
what we like. We don't know our values enough. And even if we do, we feel guilty
actually saying what they are. So I believe in, you know, I've just been reading the Modern
Dating Sucks book. And so hopefully I say this correctly because I've only read that one once
so far. But I think Jackie kind of describes it as the chill girl in there. You know, you're just
always trying to make the guy happy, vice versa. The guys are always trying to make the ladies
happy. So you're just trying to be chill with everything and act like things aren't bugging you
when they really are. All right, so I'm going to go ahead and go back. Go ahead and keep putting
those in as those come to you. So when you look at this one word, you want to really allow God to
show you underneath of that, what are the lies you're believing that are still connected to that?
And if you don't know the answer to that, that's where, again, you can use that revealing for
healing cycle that is in our program. For those of you that don't know where that's at, I believe
it's in week three in the heartwork course content. But you're going to try to discern,
okay, what are the memories that are coming up that are connected to hesitation or control or
whatever that was for you? So when we go back to the heartwork, y'all, if you have the physical
copy, okay, y'all, this is like, literally, I've been through this thing so many times. But if
you're in the hard copy book, pages 78 through 80, I'm just, I'm not going to read it to you,
I'm just going to touch on some things from it. And then we're going to dive into it deeper. But
if you're wondering in the ebook, it's in chapter six, it's like, right after the beginning page of
that. But the broken heart, she talks about it in there as the liar, the puzzle and the pretender.
Tonight, we're going to focus a lot on the pretender. Okay. So just so you know, where
we're kind of going to keep going here. The pretender is where this counterfeit identity
really hides out, if you will. And so again, I want you to remember that trauma doesn't just
hurt us, it's creating these different versions of us. When you were wounded, and no one came to
the rescue, if you will, you didn't just feel pain. In those moments, most of us subconsciously,
not even intentionally, but subconsciously made a decision about who we had to be
to survive what we were going through. Okay. So if you have stuff that you're still struggling to
get over, a good question, if you haven't gotten an answer to like, Lord, what's the root of this?
A good question might be, who did I make a decision to become to survive that situation?
We're going to go into this a little more. The pages in the heartwork book physical copy were
78 through 80. But what I'm talking about right now, this this is kind of just content that's
built on top of that, if you will, it's from that. But I want you to be praying about again,
when you went through trauma, when you were wounded by someone else, or even by yourself by
your own decisions. Or let me just say this came up in my spirit to a lack of decisions.
Some of us have experienced wounds because we we didn't make the decision that we needed to make.
Right. So who did you decide in those moments subconsciously? Or even like, hey, this is just
where I'm going to park. This is what I'm going to believe to survive what you were going through.
Now I want you to understand, these versions of us actually are quite brilliant.
You know why I'm saying that? Well, because they kept us alive. They did. And it was,
we needed in those moments, a lot of us. Yeah, the false self. That's right, Brandon.
But here's the thing, those those aspects, those people that we became to survive,
those were never our true God given identity. So when you guys go through the heartwork,
if you remember, or even in our advanced heartwork sessions, I talk a lot about and
so does Jackie, obviously, I've gotten a lot of this from her coaching. But that original design
who to God originally create you to be before wounds or trauma ever entered your life. And for
many of us, we don't know that person we never have. Because stuff came in so fast. We didn't
even like some of
us came out of the wound, the womb with like stuff already
had happened. Like it just we came out with this life that we
were born into. And it was automatic wounds and trauma even
before we exited that place. And so yeah, I would highly
recommend David reading the book while you're doing the heart
work. So if you guys in within the coursework, if you don't
know this, there's instructions in every week. And those
instructions will tell you what pages of the book to read that
go with the videos for that week to that also go. Um, yeah, this
is the heart work book. So that's what I'm talking about
tonight. And there's an ebook copy in your in the coursework
there. And so you want to go ahead and print that out or get
the hard copy if you prefer that. I am a hard copy person. I
like to have a book in my hand. So that's what I tend to do. But
um, yeah, yeah, we're literally talking about the heart work
course. And so when we do these advanced heart work sessions,
for those of you that don't know, I try to bring content
that you all have already learned and basically build on
that. So you know how to apply it to your life a little more,
you know, in depth, if you will, and I've done other content too
in the past. You guys can just even look in your replays for
the men that might not know this. There are a lot of
advanced heart work sessions that I've done on even like
control. In the past few months, you guys can check those out
there. But tonight we're talking about and leaning into this
pretender. So again, those those identities were never true. But
what they actually did is is it created these masks, if you
will, that built up over the wound. So that's where we
started becoming someone that we were never called to be that we
were never intended to be. But here's the problem. If y'all
remember, Jackie talks about this a lot. Masks attract
people, walls attract thieves, right? She talks about that all
the time. So and here's the thing is they tend to the mask
and the walls tend to attract the wrong people. Because a
counterfeit identity can only draw out a counterfeit
connection. Okay. Jeremiah 17, nine says the heart is deceitful
above all things. You guys can look that scripture up. So it's
not because we're bad. It's not because we're bad people. It's
because we learned how to survive and these identities
told us we had to do these things in order to survive. But
hopefully most of you are not in that place anymore. So we
don't need like those those counterfeit identities are not
serving us anymore. They're actually holding us back. A
wounded heart is going to report to us inaccurately, which is
what I was talking about earlier with the filters of our eyes of
our ears. You know, you go out and about and you have this
suspicion radar on all the time, like you don't trust anybody,
everybody's out to get you. Yeah. We're in. So this is for
the VIP group and the men. So you're in phase three, if you're
here tonight, because you you wouldn't have access if you
weren't in there. But yeah, welcome. So glad you're here. So
here are a couple. Oh, sorry, I wanted to also give you this
scripture. It's Proverbs 23 seven in the amplified version.
And this is what it says as a person thinks in his heart, so
is he, whatever version of your heart believes it is, that's the
version choosing your relationships. So I'm adding
that after I read part of that scripture, if you didn't
understand that. Let me read that again, as a person thinks
in their heart and his heart and her heart. So are they. So
whatever version of us is showing up in our heart, that's
the version that's choosing the relationships or even resisting
healthy relationships. For some of us, you know, we're showing
up on a dating app, we're showing up on a date. And we've
got all these walls up in our heart. And we got all these
prejudgments about the person instead of just going in open.
Remember what we believe about ourselves, we become and what we
become is what we attract. That's how this whole counterfeit
identity stuff is going to lead you to attract unhealthy
counterfeit identities as well. Alright, so I'm going to give
you a couple of examples. Again, this is just to help you guys
kind of process this stuff more. This is not an exhaustive list,
there probably can be others, but here's some of them. What
I'm going to do, I'm going to list the counterfeit identity,
I'm going
List an example, again these are just examples, of the wound underneath of that counterfeit identity.
And then typically some of the people that those counterfeit identities will tend to attract.
Counterfeit identity number one, the fixer.
Here's one of the wounds underneath of the fixer counterfeit identity.
I'm only valuable when I'm needed.
Anyone else have a lot of friends and people you've dated where you just wanted to help them?
You wanted to help them spiritually? You wanted to help them financially?
You wanted to help them just grow as a person?
Really cool, right? Until it's not anymore.
Because you become their mom or the men become the dads, right?
That's not equal. That's not running the race with somebody who's really ready for you.
Here's who they tend to attract. The fixer tends to attract people who need rescuing.
People who live in victim place, mentalities.
And sometimes the fixer has a savior complex that needs healing.
Okay, number two, counterfeit identity. The strong one.
The wound that tends to be underneath of there.
Again, there could be others, but this is what I'm bringing to the surface tonight.
No one showed up, so I don't need anyone.
No one showed up for me. I'm always abandoned.
I ask everybody for help and nobody ever helps me.
So we become the strong one and we tell ourselves we don't need anybody.
And some of you, as I've said time and time again,
we say to ourselves, it's just easier being single.
It's just easier. I don't need a man.
Some of the men are like, I don't need a woman.
Why? Why are we parking in those camps?
God created us. If you feel called to marriage,
God created you to partner with someone on the earth,
to grow each other and to be a part of his kingdom,
you know, plan for your lives as individuals, as well as a couple.
Who do these people, the strong ones, tend to attract?
People who never have to show up for them.
Typically, that is what actually happens.
They tend to attract people that they literally just,
they never fully show up and they never fully commit.
And the strong ones always trying to pull them along.
Trying to convince them that they want to get married.
Is anyone recognizing themselves at all yet tonight?
Number three, the counterfeit identity is the peacekeeper.
The wound underneath here tonight is conflict means danger.
People that we tend to attract when we walk in this counterfeit identity
are people whose behavior needs excusing.
We're always excusing their bad behavior.
I had, I have a lovely lady in our church.
I'm getting to know her. And when I first met her,
she had broken up with the man that she had dated on again,
off again, on again, off again.
Because the last time they were dating, he hit her.
So I've been trying to do some work with her.
She told me a couple of weeks ago, they're back together.
And do I think people can change?
Sure. Absolutely.
Am I convinced this guy has changed?
I don't know yet. I've never met him.
But here's the thing.
When she was like talking to me about the fact that she was dating him again,
this is what she said to me.
When I asked her like, hey, what do you mean you're back with this guy?
Like, this is the guy that hit you, right?
And she said, yeah, he only hit me one time, though.
Y'all.
Now, I asked her an important question because I didn't want to be judgy.
Okay. And I didn't want to believe this guy can't change.
But I said to her, what has he done to heal and be a different person?
And she kept going to, oh, but he's just treating me so good.
He's doing this.
And I said, well, that's not what I'm asking you.
How has he become a different person so that he doesn't do that again?
How what has he done to heal and change?
Because whatever caused him to do that before is still in there.
If he hasn't done the work.
Okay.
And people can only control that stuff for so long until something happens again.
And it sets it off.
So please don't excuse unhealthy behavior.
You are worth someone, you know, having good fruit.
They don't need to be perfect people.
There are no perfect people.
But we want to choose healthy people and healthy behaviors.
Counterfeit identity, the achiever.
One of the wounds underneath.
Love.
has to be earned. The achiever feels like, man, I just always
have to perform, I have to do something to get their attention
or their affection. People that we tend to attract when we walk
in this is people who make us prove our love to them over and
over and over again. Counterfeit identity, the invisible one, the
wound that tends to be underneath is seen and not heard.
We believe the lie that we are never seen. Nobody cares about
what we have to say. And we partner with like, that's just
who I am. Nobody pays attention to me. Some of you all like
you're showing up on the apps like that you're literally going
with your heart subconsciously. Like, yeah, I'm coming on the
app, but nobody ever picks me. I don't even know why I'm doing
this. That's the enemy trying to get you to partner with. I'm the
invisible one. I said something recently on one of the heart
work sessions with just the women. And I said, I want you
all to kind of picture, instead of being in a line where there's
one person in the front and everybody lines up behind, I
want you to kind of just start imagining that all and this is
just the women, but I would say this to the men tonight, too.
We're all standing side by side. There is a line, but we're
standing side by side, which means we can all be chosen at
the same freaking time. Literally. But we look at it
like, nope, God's put us in this line. And you know, she got
picked and I'm getting passed over. Y'all, that's not truth.
That's the invisible one telling you that that is that's your
life. That's your lot. The people we tend to attract are
actually people who overlook us. They don't make us a priority.
They don't celebrate you. They don't cheer you on. It tends to
be all about them. Here's I have two more, the counterfeit of the
provider. I'm valued for what I produce, not who I am. Okay, the
people that we tend to attract when we walk in that is people
who take from us take from us take from us, and they don't
pour back in. Now in all relationships, you all there
should be a give and take back and forth when they're healthy.
And sometimes life happens. You know, like, for me, my husband
was sick for a week. So I was given him more y'all. And then
if I'm sick, hopefully he's given back to me, which he does.
But you see what I'm saying? Sometimes there are those kind
of situations in life happens where you might be giving a
little more at some point. But hopefully you're with a healthy
person who's going to reciprocate that to you whether
you're sick or not. Right? Last one, the protector. One of the
wounds underneath of this is I don't get to have needs. You
tend to be people who even in the heartwork, you're trying to
fix everybody else. And in the groups, you're trying to help
everybody else, but you're you're still spinning in the
same place. So do you get to have needs? Do you believe that
you get to have needs and that it's actually okay for you to
have needs and wants that God cares about the things that you
want? No, God gives me things that I don't even speak out
sometimes he knows they're on my heart and I want it and I don't
speak it out and he gives it to me. I'm not saying everything. I
wanted to get married to my spiritual daughter's dad years
ago. Praise the Lord. He did not say yes to that. That was a hot
mess. Man, I would have ruined my life. And God kept me from
that and spared me from my own self. And now I have a husband
that I love that does life with me that cares about me that
protects me is kind to me. Y'all my life is way different
because you know, I kept following the Lord even when he
kept redirecting me even though I thought I knew what was good
for me, but my counterfeit identity was fooling me for a
while there. Yeah, Jason, great question. Can we be multiple
these? Yeah. You know what I look at this list and I'm like, um,
I think I had all of these. I think I had all these and
sometimes these things still try to come back out if I'm being
honest. So and it doesn't make us like I don't want you guys
going out of this being like, man, I'm messed up. Don't don't
believe that lie. This is just to bring you revelation to help
you keep knowing like kind of at least if you're like me, when I
understand something, then I can like, like go to the Lord more
specifically, and asking for help. God will still answer us
if we're asking in general, but doesn't it change things when we
put stuff on our Jesus care?
board and we're super specific about what that need is that we're casting on
him and then it's like, whoa, he starts answering that stuff. He wants us to be
specific. And for the guys, if you don't know what a Jesus Cares Board is, again
because we have some new guys in here tonight, that's also explained in your
Heart Work course work. Definitely recommend it for men and women alike. If
you have kids, I highly recommend you teach your kids young how to cast their
cares on Jesus and not just in their minds, not just in their hearts, but
physically onto a board that they can see and track that Jesus is answering
their prayers and needs too. But yeah, I totally, you know, there were a lot of
things and different seasons of things I went through that created all these
different counterfeits in me for sure. And different dynamics and relationships
brought these different counterfeits out even more. All right, we're gonna keep
going. So let's put in the chat. All right, which one made you the most
uncomfortable tonight? Go ahead and put that. Yes, Crystal, that's awesome. Which,
which one of the ones, if you can remember, made you the most uncomfortable
tonight? Okay, we have two peacekeepers. Strong one. Achiever. Fixer. Achiever. Fixer.
Peacekeeper. See here, we got a lot of peacekeepers in here. Anyone else?
Invisible one, I thought, I think I saw that come out. All right, y'all, you can
keep putting those in there. So here's the thing, we're gonna go through the
rest of this really quick. So we're gonna talk about why we blow past flags
because of this stuff. This is kind of the core of why I explained all those
other things. So when we miss flags, because I used to think this too, I felt
so naive, I felt so dumb sometimes, literally, I'm just being honest with you
all. When I looked back at how many years I took with not just my ex-husband, but
my girl's dad, and it was six years of being treated, like, horribly. I'm like,
why did I think that I couldn't get anything better? I still sometimes, I'm
like, I like felt like there was just this veil over my heart and mind. And
then one day, it was just like, God just started kept talking to me. He was
talking to me the whole time. But I started really listening. I would be at
family functions with him and his family, like, you don't belong, like, in my
spirit, you don't belong here. This is not your family. This is not the right
fit for you. And I really quit ignoring that voice. And that was the Lord. And
the more that I listened to that, and the more that I started getting
counseling, and working on okay, what led me to pick the same kind of person
again, because I went from my ex-husband to another guy that I dated to them, the
girl's dad, and they all had very similar ways of living, treating me. And
so I was the common denominator. And I needed to understand why I kept going
down that path. The protector tends to attract, again, there could be others,
but the one I wrote on here is, oh, sorry, I didn't do that one, did I? People
with no room for your needs. So they're just like, because the lie we believe is
I don't get to have needs. So we tend to attract people that they don't have room
to listen to our needs. They don't have room or the capacity to care for our
needs. Some of the ways that I've experienced this showing up, I can
remember my spiritual daughter's dad, when I would get sick, you all, and back
then, like, I didn't get sick, like how often I have been here. I think it's
still from the mold stuff that we went through last year. But um, he would like
treat me really bad when I would get sick. I had sick days. I didn't call off
work hardly at all. And you all I work two jobs. I mean, I there was no reason
for that treatment. And even if I didn't work that much, but when he would get
sick, y'all, he was like a little babe wanted everybody to take care of him.
And I'm not mocking that. I'm not. But it was like, I wasn't allowed to be sick.
Which interestingly enough, when I was younger, my mom would get aggravated me
with me when I got sick. I got mono when I was in kindergarten, I had strep
throat a lot as a kid. A lot of the trauma I went through my body just did
not know how to handle all that. And so it showed up in sickness. And I did
know that back then, but I know it now because I've learned and had a lot of autoimmune disorder
stuff that came out of that. So I'm just for any of you that you've gone through that,
you might find yourself attracting people that have no patience for you when you're feeling sick.
And that's not something that you want to live with, okay? Because you can have someone who's
super patient and kind to you and will help you when you need it. All right, so we're not naive.
We miss red flags because our counterfeit identity, I'm going to call it, I'm kind of
elaborating on what was in the book, but not too much. It has a job description. That's the way I
wrote it tonight. Our counterfeit identity, they've got a job description. They know what
their role is. And when someone walks in who lets our counterfeit identity do their job,
our nervous system actually reads that as chemistry. Quite amazing, actually. But it
isn't chemistry, you all. It's familiarity. Familiarity. I think I'm saying that right.
So years ago, I had multiple dreams about, and God revealed to me that I was a familiar spirit.
He was revealing to me that a familiar spirit was coming against me, coming against me. I never
understood it back then, but now it makes so much sense. So for some of you, you're attracting the
people that actually are like the enemy is sending them to lead you off track. The fixer doesn't just
get butterflies over a healthy person, because guess why? There's nothing to fix.
I know this to be true because I chose Brian, pretty healthy person. We got married. And then
you all, not long after we got married, I literally called Jackie like, I'm kind of bored. Did I pick
the wrong person? Brian is little, he is not a boring person, you all. What she said to me,
she said, it's because there's no chaos. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, because you don't,
you did not learn how to exist out of chaos. And so now because there's not chaos, your nervous
system and your mind is like basically lying to you and telling you you're bored when you're not,
you're actually at peace. And it was such a revelation. And it was so true. And it was
And it was such a revelation. And it was so true. We have a fun, exciting life. It is not boring
around here. And so for some of you, you might even feel that way. When you go out with a healthy
guy or a healthy lady. Because you're used to chaos. All right, I'm going to keep going.
So there's no like kind of role to play for that counterfeit identity. So they're kind of like,
this is boring. This isn't for me. There's nothing to fix here. You don't know that's
what's going on in your subconscious, but that's what's going on. And so you're not
attracted to healthy yet. That's what's happening there. You're attracted to the assignment
within that person as well. Four ways that we can override flags. So we tend to reframe them.
We might say something like, oh, they're discarded. They've been hurt before. So it's okay that they
don't ever open up. We might say, or think, you know, that we need to take ownership of it.
Ownership of their flag. I probably just got triggered by that. That's my fault. Yeah, we
might have gotten triggered. But maybe we got triggered because they were actually doing
something unhealthy. Sometimes we get triggered because of our own stuff, and we can own that.
But yeah, we don't need to take responsibility for someone else's bad behavior.
I had a lady come up to me. We were at a conference two weeks ago.
Our worship pastor had just gotten ordained. It was a big celebration night. We're all having fun.
And this lady that's a part of our church comes up to me and tries to, it's like 930 at night,
tries to ask me a financial question about church stuff. And I'm like, first of all, I didn't even
know what she was talking about. Because she basically was like, did you read my email? She
got really mad. I'm saying this to you because what I did that night is I said, hey, this is
not the time or the place to be asking me this. Y'all, she did not like that. She didn't. She got
real mad. And I was just like, look around. Everybody's celebrating. This is a party.
I'm not working right now. She really didn't like that. But I did it anyways.
And then you want to know what she said to me?
She's like, you, you just make me feel so bad all the time.
That's what she said in response to me.
I said, I don't make you anything.
If you feel mad or frustrated, that's on you.
Because right now I'm just trying to say we're here having a good time.
I can answer that question during work hours.
Some people aren't going to like when we set boundaries,
but it's not my responsibility to worry about how she feels.
I was as kind as I could be in that moment, you all, genuinely.
And not everybody is going to like when we set a boundary that is important.
So we don't have to be rude to people,
but I also want some of you to understand that some of you
need to stop taking ownership for someone else's bad behavior.
Okay, number three, you future time it.
They'll change once they feel secure.
You know, they don't know the Lord really that much yet,
but, you know, they'll grow into who I can see all this potential in them.
That's why Jackie talks all the time.
We cannot marry potential, you all.
We can't.
Number four, you trade it.
Yes, but they're this.
So you're like saying what their potential is over what is the evidence.
What are the facts?
Some of us, you know, we convince ourselves, well, they're telling us this,
but I believe this.
I believe they do really want to get married,
even though their actions and their words are saying they don't.
Okay, so I want you to start just kind of noticing and paying attention
to if you're doing any of those things when you're interacting with friends,
family, romantic, you know, potential romantic partners.
Are you trying to reframe things to make it okay?
Are you trying to take ownership of somebody else's stuff?
Are you trying to like, you know, convince yourself just to keep dating this person
because one day they'll become healthy versus just trusting that God
can bring you someone healthy, but you just have to keep moving on and in the process.
If you all think I didn't come across any unhealthy men in the dating process this last time,
you know, I just want to tell you I did, several.
But I learned in this last time through this stuff and being accountable,
having the training wheels on, how to navigate and trust my discernment.
For me, I had to write it out.
That was part of my learning to trust myself, writing out what my experience was with somebody.
Was that a yellow flag? Was that a green? Was it red?
I like literally had to do that for myself to help myself grow.
What were fun things that we did? What was good fruit I saw in them?
What was unhealthy fruit I saw in them?
For some of you, you're trying to go so fast, you're not giving yourself enough time
to even process and listen to what you actually are recognizing.
I promise you, getting to the altar is not the goal.
I know for many that's kind of the goal for you,
but you're going to regret it if you rush to the altar
and you marry someone that is not healthy for you.
The goal is to create a kingdom family and marriage that is healthy and strong.
That's the goal. Someone you can do life with in a healthy way long-term.
Okay. All right, Genesis 3 connection.
I just want to kind of take you guys back to, I talk about this all the time.
I'm not going to read it. I just want to remind you all to go back and revisit it.
You know, it's when God finds Adam and Eve in the garden.
They're hiding and he's asking them the question,
who told you you were naked? So remember, you know,
some of this stuff is who told you you were, you know, fill in the blank.
A liar, a cheater, stupid, shy, when you weren't shy, you're too loud.
I don't know. I'm just throwing some things out there.
Remember that love should inform you. Well, who is love?
God is love. We should be getting informed by what God says about us.
When the women go through heart work,
I do something with them called the silhouette and I have them
and whatever that way that they feel led to draw a version of the silhouette of themselves
to ask God who he says that they are and listen for his response.
Write only positive things on the paper.
If they hear negative things, write that on a separate paper,
cross it out and ask God to show them the truth to replace that lie.
For some of you, you need to revisit that.
You need to get that out and you need to hang it back up
and remind yourself what God said to you when you were in the heart work.
Because some of you have already forgotten.
Because hey, you all remember forming a new like mindset pattern.
takes time. So if you're you're, you know, old brain wiring
system, said a lot of negative things about yourself. You got
to like reinforce that with the positive to create a new
neuropathway that becomes stronger than that old one.
All right. Here's our last activation, and then I'm going
to start to open the hardwork seat. All right, I want you to
finish this statement. And I ignored blank, because I told
myself blank. I ignored blank, fill in the blank with whatever
that is, because I told myself, fill in the blank. So for me,
when my spiritual daughter's dad cheated on me, you all I've
told you before, some of your new more times than I could ever
count on my hands and feet. And with multiple people at one time
most of the time. I've still had people all these years later,
surfacing messaging me on social media about that guy. Creepy.
I'm saying that to you because I just would tell myself like one
day, one day, he's gonna realize how good I am. One day, he's
going to realize what he's doing is bad. But he wasn't ever
willing to really get himself the help he needed to get set
free from his sex addiction. Because that's what it was. Why
would I want to stick around for that over and over and over
again? Okay, so if that's you, maybe yours is a different thing
and you're just making excuses for that person. The Lord is
saying to you tonight, he loves you so much that he does not
want you to settle for that. All right. Okay, so sit with that
question this week, fill in the blank of that, you are worth it.
So we don't have to hate the counterfeit version of
ourselves, you all okay. Remember, it served us, you
know, in a season we were in. Love that part of yourself.
Don't shame that don't shame yourself. It's not like our
counterfeit identity isn't our enemy. But we don't need that
survival strategy anymore. So it's just saying kind of like,
thank you so much for helping me survive that that like, I don't
need you anymore, because I am becoming this person now. And
just start talking to your spirit, just like David, you
know, when he was saying, Why are you downcast all my soul,
hope in the Lord, speak to your spirit, tell yourself who you
are, and who you're becoming. All right. So thank thank your
counterfeit identity, retire it, and then allow yourself to take
off the mask. So that you can continue to attract healthy
people and practice attracting healthier people. Again,
some of you're going to encounter people that aren't
healthy on your path, but that doesn't mean you have to keep
like going with them. God can show you you can recognize the
flags, you can grow in that. And then God will help you. So your
true identity was assigned before the wound. Remember, that
was before any of that stuff entered. So ask God to show you
who you are, who did he destined you to become before trauma or
wounds ever entered your life. Okay, so we're going to open the
heartwork seat now for those of you that don't know what I mean
by that, you'll catch on, we can you all can ask questions about
what I talked about tonight, you can ask questions about something
else, if you're really struggling with something, and
you just need to process the heartwork. I know I've heard
from a couple people that you I think want to get into the
heartwork seat. And the way we're going to do it is you just
raise your digital hand, that's the easiest way for me to see
you. And then I can kind of call on you in order, we are going to
have a hard stop at 930. And so we'll do our best to get through
as many people. So here's the thing, try to keep it short,
brief and powerful. I know some of you feel like you have to
give me all your backstory, like the whole story. You don't. Okay.
So just tell me what's going on right now, short, brief and
powerful. And then as the Lord leads, I'll ask you kind of some
questions to build on from there. Yeah, we need this work
for people we work with, too. So is there anybody that wants to
get into the seat tonight? Because normally, normally
there's hesitancy in the beginning, we sit here like
this for a few minutes. And then as soon as we get going, other
people raise their hand. Yeah. So Amy, love it. We'd love to
hear what you have to say.
Okay. Is that okay? I'm not on camera. Absolutely. Yeah. So,
you know, I've done a lot of work on myself. And so much of
what you were saying tonight just resonated with me for so
many things. And now I'm finding myself in a different place in
my life where I feel like
where I was looking for people to give me something.
Now I feel like people are looking to me
to give them something.
And I'm like, what is going on?
Because now at work and in my friendships,
people are coming to me for something.
I don't know exactly what it is.
And one of my coworkers said,
well, I just feel like it's because
nothing ruffles your feathers.
Like you're just, you never get upset.
You never get, you're always at peace or whatever.
And I was like, okay, but that's not really true.
I mean, deep down inside, of course,
I have my things that bothered me a lot.
And then I started kind of thinking about it.
And it's like, well, I guess I've kind of played
that role in my family.
Like I've always been the strong one
that never had the feelings and always,
I had my feelings, but it was always after
there was some type of chaos
or after I was already there for everybody else,
then I fell apart.
And I don't know what to do with that.
I don't know if it's God just revealing to me
more of healing that I need.
I mean, but I've just been a little perplexed.
Yeah.
So Amy, when you were talking,
before you even said that you played that role
in your family, what I wrote down is overcorrect.
So sometimes what can happen,
I want you guys to think of a pendulum.
Sometimes we can go from being like over here
and we're trying to stop being this person, if you will,
and we'll overcorrect.
But what will happen is we'll swing
all the way to the other side.
Yeah.
And I genuinely think that that might've happened with you.
And I wrote down also, shut down.
And I don't think you're shut down completely,
but I think that you shut down certain aspects of yourself.
Yes, I agree with that.
Yeah.
And again, I wrote that down before you started talking
about the role you play in your family.
And so I would encourage you to ask the Lord,
kind of go back to those,
sorry, I'm trying to think of what we call it,
the protection mechanisms, the self-protection mechanisms.
I would encourage you to go back and kind of start,
don't look at your old one.
I would print out a new one and just go through there
and see if any of those things have kind of resurfaced
in you and then the areas where you do tend to play
the role of the strong one, or I'm hearing my spirit,
like the silent one.
Like you're just, you know.
Yes, a hundred percent.
I just don't say anything.
I mean, I don't.
People tell me stuff and I just sit there and listen.
I go, oh yeah, okay.
And then I just move on and I don't, I never say anything.
So tonight I encourage you to come out of agreement
with that person, with that kind of place
that you're parking yourself, because here's the thing.
You don't necessarily even have to say anything
in the moment, but what I want to encourage you to do,
I want you to practice writing on paper,
even if you don't say it to that person in that moment,
writing out what you're actually thinking and feeling,
even if it isn't good.
Okay.
You don't have to necessarily give it to them,
but you need to practice acknowledging how you really feel
and what you really think.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah, and then the Lord can help you work out
if that's healthy or not, you know,
or if you're feeling an area because of what's happening,
but you don't have to be the silent one.
And it's just like that lady that I,
how I told you guys that story.
I mean, do I want her to like me a hundred percent?
Because she went and told her family
that I was being mean to her.
Right.
That's what she did, you all.
I didn't even tell you, it went on from there.
But I was actually being a healthy person,
expecting someone else to be healthy who isn't.
Yeah.
And so that doesn't mean we should stop
trying to be healthy.
It just means we have to keep doing our best to pray
for God to give other people revelation, you know,
but we need to use our voice.
And what's interesting is through some of the stuff
that happened because that, you know, that kind of unfolded,
was that when I was talking to Jackie Dorman about it,
she said, the enemy is trying to tell you
to sit down and shut up.
And I was like, you're so,
cause the other stuff that kind of unfolded,
that's what I was like, literally hearing in my spirit,
you need to just quit trying to be an influencer
in the church.
That is the devil trying to get me out of here.
And so I just feel like there's some level of that for you
where the enemy is trying to really get you
to kind of get out of the seat
that you were actually destined to be in.
That is so, that resonates so much with me
because like just recently I've gotten a new job
and I'm really taking a leadership role
and I was recognized for being, you know, like an.
influential person, and it's so many people are coming out of the woodwork that I haven't
talked to in several years that are just like all of a sudden calling me and wanting to
know what's going on and all these things, and it's just weird.
It's not a place that I'm used to because I've always sort of been quiet and stayed
in the background, and now I don't feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not
really sure how to handle people coming to me.
Well, you're basically learning how to become who you were always created to be.
I've never gotten the impression from you that you were meant to be in the background,
Amy.
Thank you, Bethany.
You're welcome.
And I mean that in a good way.
No, I know.
I mean that in a good way.
Yeah.
My friends say that to me too, and when I tell them, I just hate it.
I hate being in the spotlight.
I hate it.
No.
And they're just always like, don't embrace it, and I'm like, I hate it.
And I think that flows over into my dating life because I don't like attention.
I get really nervous.
Yeah.
So I'm going to encourage you, and I'm not saying we have ... I don't love when focus
is on me.
I can get up and preach, but standing in a room where everybody's saying all this nice
stuff about me, you all, I don't love it.
Yeah.
Exactly.
But here's the thing.
Do you know what?
God has used even this community.
I remember, it might have even been two years ago, Sarah Crockett one night, she used to
lead Sunday Nights, and she just honored me for my birthday.
And all of you, a bunch of people that were on were saying all this nice stuff.
Is that hard for me sometimes?
Yeah, because I did not learn how to receive in unhealthy ways when I grew up.
And so receiving healthy, kind things from people is something I've had to practice doing.
And so I would say that that's probably what's happening with you.
I would encourage you to stop partnering with, I hate this, I hate that.
Like even if it feels uncomfortable, you can say something like, I'm learning how to embrace
receiving.
Yes.
God has really been convicting me of my thoughts.
Yes.
And like I said, practice writing down the things that you're actually thinking, the
things that you're actually feeling, just so you can kind of process that out and really
pay attention to the times where you're thinking and feeling something, but you're not saying
it when you really know you should.
Yeah.
Does that make sense?
Yes, it totally makes sense.
I know the times when I should be and I'm not, you know.
Yeah.
And then, you know, don't shame yourself for it, but just, you know, agree with God that
you're going to work on, you know, allowing Him to give you the courage next time and
the grace to speak up.
You know, because again, even like myself, like it's not always easy to preach.
It's not always easy to teach people.
It's not always easy to set a healthy boundary, but God has called me to do those things.
So it's me fulfilling what He's called me to do.
And I feel worse when I don't.
So yes, I've been feeling that way too.
I mean, just Him drawing me to lean on Him and not worry about the things that I worry
about and that this is a calling on my life.
And I really believe that, but it's just not what I expected.
Yeah. So let us know how this goes as you kind of practice those things and work on
them. And we're praying for you and cheering you on.
You're welcome. I'm going to answer.
David asked me, would you allow her to contact you after all that?
Well, I'm helping pastor these churches.
So the answer is yes.
Yes, I would allow that lady.
Now, I set healthy boundaries with her when I sent her the email that included my office
hours. So for you all that wonder, like, OK, now if she kept treating me
toxically, I'm going to continue to put more boundaries in place if that continues.
OK, so we don't just let everybody who treats us bad have full access.
No, we start setting incremental boundaries.
If they keep blowing past that stuff, if they keep treating us bad, then we put more
boundaries in place because we matter.
Our needs matter and who we are matters.
So great job on that one.
Thank you so much for sharing, Amy.
Christine, I would love to hear what you have to say.
Hello, Bethany, can you hear me?
I can. Hello.
Oh, that's lovely.
I can't tell you how blessed I am to be here live.
It's three a.m.
where I am. Oh, it's been a long time.
A very long time.
I miss everybody.
I miss you. Lovely coaches.
I listen in every now and again.
But I just wanted to say that tonight
God literally woke me up and you need to said, you know, you need to be on this call.
And I tried for half.
I had to get on this call and had terrible problems. So just wanted to let you know that I did,
you know, log on 30 minutes after you had started. But I just wanted to, it's taking a
lot of courage for me to actually say what I'm saying, because as a woman of God, I found myself
having great teaching in LYS. And still, I feel that I took some wrong decisions and I made some
wrong turns. And you said something a little while ago that spoke volumes to me. You said,
you cannot marry potential. What are the facts? And when I look back, I've been in a
regular long term relationship. It's been nearly a year now with the same guy. And to be honest,
I was his saviour. I've been trying to fix him. He's been really wonderful to me.
But I'm ashamed. I am ashamed. I feel guilty to say that I knew that when I met him,
he wasn't yet divorced. He had been separated. And I asked him, when was the divorce going to happen?
And he said, it's happening now. So I went on and went on with this relationship,
working with him, enjoying being a girlfriend after 12 years of celibacy.
And it turns out that as the months have gone on, that the divorce has been pushed back or
something has happened. And then this week, I find out that yet again, it's going to be another
seven months before this divorce takes place. So in actual fact, as a Christian woman,
I'm dating a married man. He's not yet divorced. And we have, you know, put the cart before the
horse. And it's a very, very difficult situation because there are issues there where he is now
in contact with, I cannot say ex-wife, because she is still legally his wife. And they were married
a very long time. And we've been together a year. And I'm now actually realising that
I didn't pay attention to the red flags and I wasn't, I should have said no. I have said yes to
too many things. And God cannot, cannot, categorically cannot bless a sinful situation.
No matter how much we try to compromise or colour it,
or colour it, he cannot. And it is particularly difficult because I have such a loving heart.
I empathise with people. I find it so hard when people are suffering. But when I met him,
my first reaction was this guy needs help. That's how we started dating actually.
And he's done everything for me. You know, he, he came to the Lord, he got baptised,
he's learning English because he's French. I live in France. He's doing so much to, you know, to
make me happy and to, to actually make things work with me. But there are flags. And I now,
there are red flags that I've not, I have chosen subconsciously not to pay attention
to because I so want this to work. But you can't, it's, you know, we've just had some friends over
today who have been in a similar situation. And obviously it was very eye opening. You know,
they said, you need this time apart, but I cannot as a woman of God, as a somebody who aspires to be
like the Proverbs 31 woman, I cannot say I'm a woman of God and then be dating somebody who is
still in contact with his wife all the time and telling her that he still has feelings for her,
even though he is in a new life with somebody else. That's particularly difficult, Bethany.
And I'm so sorry that I've not been online with you girls for a few months. I do listen in every
now and again. The time difference is a real thing, Christine. Yeah.
you know, first, let me just honor you for a minute. Okay. That was really courageous,
what you just shared with all of us. And I just want you to know that we've all made mistakes,
myself included. You know, I tell you guys over and over six years I spent with the girl's dad.
Now he wasn't married, but like he was dating all kinds of other people. And so,
you know, I think the biggest thing, Christine, that I can say is getting to the root of
for me, what I had to do, and I think this will help you is why did I not really think I was
valuable enough to move beyond that relationship to someone who actually had the ability to commit
to me, who walked in the fruits of the spirit, who loved me, you know, and people can do kind
things. But let me say something else for all the people on here. This is really important. Okay.
Now, I think it's wonderful that that man came to the Lord. He got baptized. That's amazing.
But people should not make those decisions for us.
That's right.
They should make those decisions because God is working in their heart. And here's where we get
tripped up. And I'm not saying God doesn't use us because he does. Okay. Do I believe 100% that God
used me and my spiritual daughter's dad's life? I totally do.
But I do not think for one second that God wanted me to go through all that torture.
But for some reason, my giver, my giver, give, give, give, give, give,
kind of like you. I'm an empath. I feel deeply when someone's hurting.
He would he would cry when I would catch like, when I would catch him cheating and all this stuff.
He would cry and cry and cry. And then I would feel so bad. Finally, the last time he saw you,
I'm not kidding. I'm not making fun of him. He sobbed like a baby.
Swore up and down, he would never do it again. I just said, No, I'm not doing this again.
We've been here too many times. I'm not falling for that again. But see, it took me
realizing how I got there was understanding that I had value. And that was not that was not God's
plan for me to be abused and mistreated and put put behind, you know, for a man to tell his ex
that he still has feelings for her. Man, that's just not I mean, God wants so much more for you.
Yes. Yeah. And so but you know, here's the thing. Nobody could help me get there.
I had to choose to get there. And at the end of the day, that is what changed everything. It was
God speaking to me. He was speaking to me for six years. But what changed is I made a decision.
I am not going to put up with this anymore. I am worth more than this.
Yes, that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for sharing that. And also a few weeks ago,
Jackie shared on one of the Supernatural Saturdays. Her topic was, I just want something.
And that keeps coming back in my mind. I didn't realize to one at what point this is me.
Are you settling for second best? Yeah, because you've been on your own for so many years. And
finally, you have met somebody that thinks the world of you that, you know, is that, you know,
that you've that you're finally going to be a couple, a part of a relationship. And it's such a
wonderful feeling to feel accepted and valued and treated by a man when you've been on your own for
so many years. And Jackie said, but, you know, are you settling for second best because you just
want something? It's not what you were after. You wrote you did your Jesus cares board. You wrote
the things that you were asking God for. But when you look at that list, even though we're not,
you know, we're not looking to have shopping lists before the Lord, but God wants to know our heart.
And there is nothing too difficult for him. So when you look at your list, how far away have you
gone? How far have you gone away from your list? Just because you needed to fill that void to
fill that gap. And I realized that that's me. That's what's happened to me.
Yeah. And let's get back to you guys on this. I want to pull something out that she's saying here
out of what I hear is where is it at the need to feel needed? You know, that, that, yeah,
the fixer, you know, that savior.
here. That is what's deep in us. You know, we people needed us so
much growing up for some of us. I'm not saying that's Christine
story, but we grew up, everybody needed us everybody like, and so
we don't know how to turn that off. So we attract these people
who need to be rescued, who need to be like I said earlier,
helped along in some kind of way. Yes. But the reality is,
yes, is we also believe that if we part ways with this person,
there's some level where we do not believe God's actually going
to bring us something better. Hmm. That's why we're so afraid
to let it go. Wow. Wow. Hmm. You know, because you said I've
been I've been alone for so long, it feels good to be be
with someone and I understand that I do. But this man does not
have the capacity or even the capability to become your
husband right now. No, he still has feelings for this other
person. I mean, God wants you to be with someone who has no
ties to anybody, and go all in with you and he has that for
you. But again, like, it's about you choosing. Like, okay, like,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna release this. And trust that my good
father. Yes, is going to leave me someone even better than
this. Because if you've experienced good stuff in this,
imagine what a guy unentangled. Yes, is going to be able to
bring to your life. Yes. Yeah. Yes. In order to, like, we've
got to release the stuff that doesn't belong to stuff that's
not healthy. Yes. Because this man is actually blocking your
spirit mate right now. Yeah. Yeah, this is Yes. This is good
stuff. And I pray and hope that you'll come into the groups, you
know, whether it's the Facebook group, or, you know, the app, I
will tell you, it is easier for us to respond to you. Still
replying to put stuff in the app, but it is easier for us to
respond to you all in the Facebook page. But you know,
come in and let us know how you're doing. Please let us
track with you on this. Don't be ashamed. We love you. We're
cheering for you. I want God's best for you. And I know all
your brothers and sisters here do too. And so many people are
learning from what you shared. So I want you to receive that
tonight to Christine and so thank you not to pour too much
into that neater that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do want you to see
that your story is powerful and God is going to help you be set
free. But again, it's choosing to partner with him in taking
the hard steps right now. Now I will tell you, it was painful
when I broke up with their dad. It hurt. It was very hard. And
in you all I would be on heartwork sessions, and he would
be texting me. I didn't tell him I was on that stuff. But it was
literally almost every time I would be on stuff. He it was
like, you know, where those soul ties and even emotional soul
ties and all that stuff is bonded. They kind of like get
drawn to us as we're starting to break away from that. So just
know and I'm not trying to scare you, but it's gonna hurt. It is.
But I will tell you, you know what, it wasn't long before that
quit hurting, because I started experiencing so much freedom
that I was kind of like, Whoa, why did I wait so long for this?
Yes.
So that will come for you too. And we're gonna be praying for
you. Thank you. Yeah. So keep us posted. Okay. I will do
Bethany. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Thank you.
You're welcome. Gwen, go ahead.
Hi, um, I just wanted to talk about the two personalities that
I tend to fall into fixer or invisible. It's like the either
one. I'm trying to find out, like who I am. But I've gotten
on so much healing and I'm walking happier. And I'm a lot
happier getting offline because I kept seeing a lot of injured
men that had no space for me. So it was kind of like a test, I
guess. I don't know learning, learning to see it and learning
to say no and goodbye quickly. So that was there's there was a
lot of good but it's very exhausting. So I'm I'm love
taking a break and not doing any of that right now. And just but
my problem is, I've been a fixer for so long. And because that is
the way I would get a connection with people. And then when it
was too much or exhausting and overwhelming, I would just be
invisible and just check out and run avoidant and leave. So
yeah, and so the fixer path has
been worn. So like I know how to do that. And I just so over it
and tired and I'm retired now and I want to make time for me.
I even got a call a text while we're here. And a gal was like
come do art for every all the women at our church and do this
and and it's really far away and I can't even afford the gas to
go there. And so I anyway, what I want to say is I'm kind of
running from a lot of people that want to be fixed because
I've attracted it for so long. And I even get it confused like
as it's my ministry, because I was in Heidi Baker ministry for
a bit. And Iris and it's like stop for the one so that got
confusing in my head, like a fixer is like stop for the one
type of person, which is biblical. So I'm like that just
made me just just be more invisible, like, or just, I
couldn't find myself, because I would be that and that would be
overwhelming. And then I want to just be invisible and just leave
me alone. So I don't know, I want to know what the path is.
I'm making time for myself and say no a lot. In fact, on that
text, I said, No, I can't really do that right now. I'm making
time for myself. So I'm like, but just even saying those words
right now, made me my whole body, like freak out and my
stomach hurt. And like, that's like, I could tell it's so new
to do that. So um, and I don't want to attract people anymore
to fix them or help them. I want to just be me. Like when Juanita
she's here, she came and we had the afternoon together and it
felt so healthy and so rewarding and just so good, you know,
because we're on the same page. And one other thing is a lot of
my really good friends over the last 35 years are married. And
so they, they don't have a lot of time for me. So and because
I'm a third wheel, and, and that just makes me feel sad and left
out and because there's so many great things going on. But you
have to be married or in a relationship to go do that with
these people. So um, it's like, okay, how do I walk this single
life without being a fixer or out disappearing?
Yeah. So many good questions and everything that you shared when
way to go on practicing saying no. Can we just acknowledge
that like you did it? It might not feel good right now. I will
say, you know, there's some level of I think, guilt in your
spirit when you say no, but that's not from God that is from
the enemy. And I love that you're starting to acknowledge
and be aware of that. Basically, you were getting confused that
it was your ministry to help all these people. So I think even
though you're asking one question, I think I'm going to
answer that part first. Because here's the thing. God does ask
us to stop for the one. But I even said this to my husband the
other night, you know, these people that were doing some
unhealthy things in the church, we went last night and saw
several of them. And I can be processing and upset about some
of that stuff at home with my husband in a safe place. But
when I go and I'm at the church, my ministry hat is on. So
I'm not being a fake person, but I can go and I can I can love
them in the Lord. I have healthy boundaries, you know, and I can
just do what I'm called to do. That doesn't mean I'm going to
let them all the way into my heart and tell them my deep,
dark secrets, you know, and so I think there's a difference. It
doesn't mean that we can't stop and help someone. But sometimes
God might lead us to someone to send them to someone else. We're
not always called to give them everything that they need,
right? Because some people I meet, like I have a friend,
super sad, she lost her son, he was 16 years old several years
ago. I can resonate with her on some level, but I have not been
through that. So you want to know what I did? I connected her
with another person that I know did. That's not me saying I
can't help someone or that I don't want to. It's me saying, I
can help her to some level. But there's some other people that
have actually walked that and I think they're going to be able
to really help her in ways that I cannot. Now some of us we feel
like we've got to be this, like we got to solve everything. We
got to help them, like you said, like, you know, like I said
earlier, pick them up, fix their life, fix all their bandages,
you know, all of it. And I kind of get that impression a little
bit that that that's kind of where you got hung up with
people.
excuse me, guys, because you're trying to help people that,
what I'm even hearing in my spirit,
so many of us help people
that don't even want to help themselves.
Yeah.
And if you come across people, this is the truth, okay?
I've done ministry a long time, you all.
We have it even in the program.
People come in,
but then they don't want to receive the coaching.
Now, all we can do is do our best to coach
or to share something,
but you can't help someone
that doesn't want to help themselves.
For some of you, you know, you kind of,
the enemy has put you in this place,
which is like what Gwen was talking about,
that you kind of believe your person is your ministry.
Now, does God call me to minister to my husband?
Yeah, he does.
And he calls my husband and minister to me,
but he doesn't call me to fix my husband,
to get him healthy enough to be with me, you know?
And so there's a difference of what we're looking for,
of what we believe we deserve.
And I think for you, part of what's still getting reprogrammed
is what you actually believe you're worthy of, you know?
And you're worthy of people who see you,
who love all of you,
even the parts that, you know,
maybe you had some hard things in your life,
where they embrace you and don't hold you at an arm's length
because they don't have time for you.
Because interestingly enough, as you were sharing,
you were sharing how, you know, with your married friends,
and that is hard.
That's a hard place when a lot of your friends are married
and you feel like you're on the outside.
But it was interesting
that that's what you started describing.
So part of me also wonders if part of the dynamic
when you're going into relationships
is that you're also always on the outside looking in.
So I want you to lean into that a little bit with the Lord,
because if we believe we never fit anywhere,
if we believe any lie that sounds anything like that,
then every relationship we show up in, we partner with that.
And if that's true inside of us,
here's the reality.
We are going to hold people at arm's length to some degree,
even if we feel like we're being open with them.
So really just pray into, okay, Lord,
like as in the past, Lord,
I was someone who struggled with fixing
and believing that I'm invisible, that people don't care.
If you tend to hear those lies,
anytime someone says no to you,
they don't really see me, they don't really care.
If you sent, even what's coming up in my spirit,
like maybe even a long time ago,
like you try to tell something,
like someone that should have taken care of you,
something that was really hard and they didn't protect you,
they didn't stand up for you, they didn't, you know,
I don't know, I just feel like they were not your covering
like they were supposed to be.
There still seems to be maybe something with that.
And I don't know if that resonates for you,
but just where you might need to do
another layer of forgiveness towards that person.
My dad.
Okay, and come out of agreement with, you know,
I was just completely invisible to him.
He just did not care.
And I really even just hear the Lord saying like,
he wants to show you that like how he was your covering
in all of that.
You know, I really believe a lot you all
in inviting specifically Jesus to show us,
asking him to come in and show us the truth.
He's the light of the world.
And we need him to illuminate what we cannot see.
And when these wounds and these trauma happen,
whether it was when we were kids
or even as adults for some of us,
when that trauma's happening,
we revert back to old wounds from childhood
that link to them subconsciously.
And so those old dialogues that are not healed yet
are still informing our current situation
so many of the, like so many times.
And so if we can ask Jesus to come into the situation
back then,
Jesus, show me where you were at
when I believed the lie that my dad was not my protector,
that my dad didn't cover me, that he didn't see me,
whatever that was for you.
Jesus, show me where you were at.
Jesus, show me what were you saying to me?
And just see what he reveals to you.
It can be very powerful.
And sometimes it comes right away, you all.
Like sometimes for some people, it'll come quick.
Some people, it might be weeks and months.
Don't get frustrated with the process
because there might be a reason.
It's not that he's not talking to you.
It's not that you're doing something wrong, that's causing
you to not hear him. But you all there might be other steps of
healing that need to happen before you're able to receive
that truthfully.
Yeah, he just showed me a bike because I used to have to ride
my bike and at night home from junior high in a really bad
neighborhood. So it was super safe, unsafe, and I was always
freezing. And it took like an hour and my dad never picked me
up. And when he said he would, he wouldn't. So that happened
through my whole childhood. And I only had one parent him. So
there's a lot. And I've done a lot of work, you know, and got
a show. Yeah. But he did just he just brought up the bike. I'm
like, Oh, yeah, that's another thing.
Yeah, I feel like and I don't want to speak too far into it.
But I really do feel like Jesus is going to show you right where
he was, even even on it might be multiple times you were riding
home, but I feel like there's even one specific time that was
really going to be impactful for you. This is why this stuff
matters you all when we just slow down a little bit. You
know, I know Gwen's done a ton of work. I've seen her do the
work since she's been here. And she probably did work before she
came here. I've done a ton of work I even after I've been
married, you all stuff comes up. God loves us so much that he's
trying to lead us to that deeper level of freedom. And
sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't mean we're not doing a
good job. It doesn't mean we're not trying. It just means that,
you know, we only have so much capacity to receive in each
season. Okay, and each piece matters. So the stuff that
you've done before led you to this place tonight. Right? Each
step, right? Each step matters. Yeah. So let us know as you pray
into that I would love to hear. And again, even if it's weeks
out or whenever whenever God gives you that revelation and
what is that helping you and sometimes you all when stuff
gets revealed, I'm just going to put it out there. Sometimes we
actually get we might feel anger. We might feel other
things that we need to process and that's you know, don't
discount that stuff and don't get frustrated with yourself.
Really come into the group and we'll help you process that
stuff out. Yeah,
feels like a disappointment is the same feeling as a
disappointment with all the men I've met. It feels similar. That
same
Yeah, they probably built on that. And you know, to me,
there's a real deep wound of abandonment there. And you know,
I just feel like God wants to lovingly kind of touch that that
place again in this season and bring just where there's like,
what I'm hearing my spirit is like a reverb, like in a good
sense, like, a reverb kind of is like he touches it, or there's a
sound that happens. And then it creates that, you know,
continual sound, if you will. And so I just think that this is
going to bring some continual flows of healing that you've
been crying out for for a long time. I really do.
Awesome. He loves you so much. He does. He does. He does. I know
it's 928. But I'm gonna have Felicia go and Brandon before we
close tonight. I won't be able to take anybody else after them.
Y'all, I think we're probably gonna need more sessions, even
just talking and unpacking what we started tonight. So I'll talk
to Jackie about that. At least that's how I'm feeling tonight.
And you guys, maybe that didn't raise your hands yet. It's
totally okay. And but I feel like this is going to be
something we could work on even in the next advanced heartwork.
So maybe just come pray, pray into that for us. Because if
that is where God is leading, we want to just listen to that.
Okay. Felicia, go ahead.
Hi, Bethany. So nice to see you.
Where do I start? So Brian and I, for eight months, we've been
I try to follow the program as best as possible. There's little
things I do a little earlier than they should, because I
trusted the process, it was going very well, we, I'm so
grateful for the program, because it takes me into a lot
of places that I wouldn't know where to go. But the way we walk
through the relationship in the connection stage, discovery
stage, and then we went into the exclusive stage. And then we
went into the six to seven months where we really started
getting to the point where we started talking about how we
spend money, you know, where can we live? Really solid stuff
to see if this is what we want to do. And he's a great guy. And
he showed up consistently. I mean, my friend said, when he
told me last weekend, we had a little talk, he plays games. And
I do try to understand it because I met him with it, but he does take time to spend with
me.
He's always present emotionally.
The only one that he plays is the one on the phone.
He got to a point in this eight month where he said he don't know why I allow it to distract
me while I'm talking to him.
He said I can talk to him and he can hear me and I shouldn't let it distract me or
let it distract the great time we can have while we're together.
And I just can't understand why I should do that, why I should, even though we understand
everything about each other, but we got to this point and he doesn't express himself
a lot.
I would say he was not someone who communicate very well in that area.
He's very intelligent, but he doesn't express himself when something bothers him.
So I don't know when something bothers him or not, but he's very adaptable, change quickly,
ready to just work things out by us talking about it.
I'm not going to say I don't see a little frustration here and there when we talk about
things, but it's something that we just talk through it.
We're so good at doing that.
But last week we had that talk on Mondays when we set our health day, I call it, both
of us call it where we work out and we eat dinner together and he started playing the
game before I finished eating dinner.
I just wanted to talk to him about something at that moment.
And I could see he was very frustrated, didn't express it.
And then Saturday we didn't communicate very well about our date night and he just look
at me and said, I think we're going to end this.
And it really just this, I was surprised the way he said it to me is not what he said is
the way he did it.
It just turned cold from that very day.
It surprised me how someone can be so great and then they turn cold in an instant.
Did you see, did you see Jackie?
I want to say it might have been yesterday.
Jackie's Instagram, she had this video of this woman that this guy was talking and it's
kind of like portrays it like something good's going to happen.
And then all of a sudden it actually went in the opposite direction.
And Jackie was talking like basically, guys, tell me what's up with this.
Like, why, why do we think, you know, the ladies think you're going to propose and then
you like go on this trip and then the last day of the trip, you break up with them.
And I was like, man, that is so true.
That happens so much.
And for whatever reason, Felicia, that's coming to mind as you're talking about this,
because you didn't expect out of nowhere, you think things are going well and then out
of nowhere now y'all aren't together.
He's ready to kind of break that.
So what I want to clarify and someone else asked in the chat, too, I want to make sure I
understand when you're on the phone and sometimes when you're together in person, when
you guys are on a date or spending time together, he's playing a game on his phone.
And like while you all are doing that.
Yeah, he will.
I mean, he makes so much adjustment in it where he would not do it when we go out to
dinner. But if we're eating maybe like a small local place, Panera Bread, he'll go for it
and play a little bit until I finish eat stuff like that.
And when I'm on the phone with him, I guess.
He will, I think he's playing it, but he said he is not he's hearing me and, you know, he
gave me Panera and said that it's like going to church and we see someone here and we get
distracted by it and miss the message.
And I said, I don't think that, you know, we pray about things, we're making sure that
we're walking, we're not trying to do relationship like the world.
We're doing this as an example of how, you know, we want to do this in a godly manner.
So I said, why should you want me to not be distracted by you playing a game?
And I don't know if that's what it is.
He just didn't express why he wanted it to end.
That's what bothers me.
I think that there probably is something else.
And I think that this gave him an opportunity.
It kind of gave him the out, if you will.
And, you know, Jackie talks all the time and I can remember in the past the guys would
say one thing and I would believe something different.
Because I was believing the best in people and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but
guys really do tell us how they think and how they feel for the most part.
I'm not saying there's not ever any guys that don't, but if a guy says they don't
like something, they don't like it.
If they don't want to get.
married. They don't want to get married. And we got to look at their actions. And it sounds like
he's a nice guy, but he might not be a marriage minded guy. He might not be wanting to move
forward and he might not know how to say it. And now you're asking him, which, you know, I could
see like, you know, you're finishing eating and he's just going to play a game for a few minutes.
I don't think that's a huge deal. But what you're saying, though, is that this is also happening
at other times. And you guys are only dating six to seven months. This sounds like a guy that's
acting like he's been with you for many, many years. Okay. Being a little too casual. And so
at the core, I'm going to ask you to really pray and ask the Lord to reveal if there were any other
flags with this guy. Okay. Because when I hear you talking, it sounds like, you know, pretty great.
And he might be. But sometimes we're ignoring things that are bugging us that are kind of like,
why did he say that? Or why did he have that reaction? And again, he could be great.
But I'm just wondering if there were any things that you did see before this,
that maybe you just didn't recognize in the moment. And if not, that's fine. But I think
it'd be worth asking. I think he was very adoptable. He was so adoptable. It was scary.
And I think he has a lot to change on his part, like the way where he goes to church. Jackie and
I talk about that. I don't want to go there. I don't think there's a place I want to grow.
And there's too much chaos happening there in his last marriage and just too much stuff. And
I did talk with Jackie about it and I said, no, I don't want to go there. That was in the beginning.
And I did ask him, I said, how do you feel about that? And he said, you know, that's okay. He's
just adoptable. And it was kind of scary. And I'm like, how can he just so adoptable? But anyway,
we continue on till eight months and he still was. But I think he got to a point where, and I'm not
sure, but I think this is a part of it is that there's so much that he needs. He has to leave
the church because my church is a growing church. He comes to my church last month for two times
instead of one. And he said, he think this is a change that he's making because he decided to
come two Sundays instead of one. And it was going well. And there's little things like he just,
you know, but he was just doesn't express them. That's the thing. I didn't want to judge what
he was saying, but his action, I guess, was saying it instead of his expression.
Yeah. I mean, his actions are telling you how he feels right now. And we're not going to,
we'll be careful not diagnose him. But all I know is that at the end of the day, what do you want?
What do you want? You know, this is, this is where you get to look at this
relationship. We're going to, we're going to assume right now, this was a practice round.
We're going to call it that. Okay. And if something happens and God brings,
heals him, brings y'all back together. Cool. If he's really God's best for you.
But let's just use this as a learning, like, you know, the adaptability thing was concerning you.
His church was concerning you, you know, nobody like it's, it's kind of like what I was saying
earlier, like men can be the chill, not that he's a woman, but the chill person too,
where there's going with the flow, nothing bothers them, but actually things do bother them.
Right. And so it's, it's about you looking at what do you want? How do you want your team?
You know, the teamwork of your relationship in the future to be, how do you guys,
how do you want to function with the person you're with? And someone can be a really great guy.
I dated a guy at one point he was in the program, went not for a long time, but went on a couple
dates with him. He was a really nice guy. He's not in our program anymore, but he's really nice guy.
But y'all like, for my taste, he was a little boring. And so I am very early on was like,
I don't think he's a good match for me. Cause like, he never watched movies. Y'all for those
of you that know me, I quote movies I like and music. And so like, even that I was like, Oh,
I don't know about this. Like I actually enjoy watching movies and God talks to me through media.
So I don't know that that's going to be a good fit, but I went on a couple more dates with him,
which was good practice for me. But when he then decided that God was telling him,
we just needed to be friends. I was frustrated. But then after that, I was just like, Oh, well,
why am I frustrated? I actually kind of already knew he wasn't a good match for me.
You know, and it doesn't, you know, I'm not discounting the amount of time.
you were dating him, but like, I want you to really look at, like, were there other things
that you were noticing or that you felt like God was highlighting to you that you're just like,
as you go forward, that you're, you know, okay, I really do want someone a little more like this.
Yeah. You know, ladies and gentlemen, yeah, we, yeah, God is, is leading us to, um,
situations where we're going to learn and we're going to grow and we get to take that information
and hopefully that will help us, um, become stronger and healthier to know what we like
and what we don't like. And, um, this is about, I think you just moving forward. I know it can
be really tough when you don't feel like you have the answers for why someone breaks up with us or
whatever. But at the end of the day, um, I really would encourage you to look at this as a
redirection at this point and, and really just take the information, ask God to show you anything
that you didn't see when you were in it and just do your best to move forward. And, uh, God will
comfort your heart in those moments where it does feel hard. And so I do want to honor that space
as well. And you, but, um, I'm excited actually for you. Cause I think you're, you got some really
important information that you needed from that. Yeah, I did got some healing too. I remember you
spoke to me about the little girl in me and I could see where I could be that with him. It was
such a great time healing through that process. You told me about be that little girl. Cause I
never had, never had a childhood, but I see a lot of stuff in me also shows up in relationship.
Like when you guys said that healing relationship, hurting relationship, healing, I see a lot of
healing where, you know, abandonment and rejection, but I'm so grateful. I'm dealing with it so well.
It hurts sometimes disappointing very, cause I don't have the answer and the way we were friends,
I was hoping we could have at least talked through it and he just did not want to. And,
you know, I said, okay, it was a little cold on the end of it. And, you know, let's see,
but thank you so much better than me. That was great. I just walked through the process.
Yeah, you're welcome. And I love how you like out of what I was even saying, what you pulled out
is that you got to experience something in this relationship that you haven't before.
And what that tells me is that God is going to bring you that in the future, but he's going
to bring you some other stuff that you want to. Yeah. You're welcome. God bless you, Brandon.
Go ahead. Thanks, Bethany. I'm going to try to be articulate about this. Forgive me. If
I ask you something that you've already said, I've been in and out of the call today because
of faulty wifi. So I might've missed something. I wanted to ask for clarity on the fixer
personality. Would it be fair to describe the fixer as something like this? You tend to be,
you tend to think that you're going to be wanted for what you bring to the table. And you don't
think of yourself as someone who couldn't be wanted just for your presence, like for your
personality, just for your, for, for basically who you are. You think of yourself as, yeah,
can I handle this? Can I offer this? Can I give this? Why, why else would anybody want to be in
a relationship except for that? No one's going to want me for just my presence. Is that kind of go
along with that? I think the fixer and the provider are probably working in tandem there.
The fixer is that I'm only valuable when I'm needed. And again, there's other things that
the fixer can say in the dialogue that we hear, but also the provider believes I'm valued for
what I produce, not who I am, which is what you were also saying. So to me, I think you probably
have, sorry guys, you probably have those working in tandem with each other. What's the difference?
What's the difference? Well, they, that's what I'm saying. They're similar, but they are different.
So the fixer, they get their value out of helping other people all the time. Okay. So they get their
value out of feeling needed out of feeling wanted for what they can like not produce, but what they
can do a doing versus a being. Okay. But then the valued for what they produce. So that's what you
can actually give to someone. So for example, money, your time. I don't know. Some people
will be for like what comes to mind right now is also like a lot of people that struggle with
narcissism or sociopathic tendencies. They will try to be with someone that they can hide behind
the identity of that person. Okay. And kind of pretend that they are that, but they actually
aren't. And they're like borrowing that person's identity. So it can be a lot of
different things, but those, those are some of the things that come to mind.
Does that help you?
Kind of.
Yeah.
Um, what I'm wondering then is whether it's possible for whatever each of
our particular trip trip wire is, I'm kind of wondering if it's possible for
it to trip us up in more ways than one.
For example, if someone allows their, whatever their false self is,
whatever particular brand, if they allow it to drag you into a lot of
unhealthy relationships with the person who matches in a bad way, that
particular personality, but also.
If for example, I'm wondering if a fixer slash producer, whichever it is, if
that's how they see themselves, if that's how they see it, that's the only
real, um, dimension they have, or it's, it's going to be hard for me to be seen
or loved based on my personality or my presence or who I am, so I have to
produce or I have to fix, but then if that person then thinks that way, but
doesn't feel they can fix or can produce, like if they're thinking along that
spectrum, like a person is only valuable if they fix or produce, but then the one,
two punch is I can't do that.
I can't fix, I can't produce, I don't have anything to offer.
And so what they do is withdraw.
And so their fixer producer tripwire, instead of leading them into a bunch
of bad relationships, leads them into a bunch of no relationship at all.
Yeah, I think so.
I think some people will go into self protection and shutdown.
Um, because if you, if you feel like the only thing that you can bring to a
relationship is what you can do for someone or what you can provide for them
versus like just getting to be yourself, like in past relationships, I can
remember feeling like I never got to be the silly version of myself.
Like I never felt safe enough to let like the real me out, including the
me that cried sometimes or got angry.
I wasn't allowed to feel around other people.
And so, um, getting to do that in the relationship that I'm in has been so
freeing.
Um, and so I absolutely shut down aspects of myself, which actually caused me to
attract even more unhealthiness because I wasn't being who I actually am.
And so my question for you, Brandon, is can you give me an example of a
relationship dynamic where you didn't feel like you had anything to offer?
Like where, like for you personally, because I feel like that's going to help
me be able to help you unpack it a little more.
Um, to be perfectly honest, Bethany, I have only five months of relationship
experience in my entire life, precisely because of this.
Okay.
Um, I've basically spent all my life withdrawing and not putting myself out
there.
I've been trying in the last couple of years.
Um, I recently turned down a potential relationship at my church in which I
think it was actually kind of headed in this unhealthy direction, a fixer versus
someone who needed fixing.
Uh, because I'm happy to say, thanks to God, my, um, my desire to be in a
relationship is strong, is not stronger than my desire to want to be in a healthy
one, fortunately.
So, and plus the attraction just wasn't there for me quite.
I talked about this a couple of weeks ago, the attraction wasn't there for me.
So I turned it down, not wanting to be that guy who was just in it halfheartedly.
And then she wondered, you know, and all that, because that's how, that's
often what happens is us guys, we're in, we're in a good relationship and we're
thinking, Hey, this girl's really quality.
I might just stick around here for a while, see what develops.
Cause this is a great character.
This is, this is, this is awesome, but he's having to force it.
And that's, that's where, that's where the gal starts wondering, is, is, is, is
he in this is why, why, why do I feel like he's not fully into this?
And he's, and he's kind of, he's kind of thinking, you know, and credit to the
guy, he should be attracted to character.
He should be thinking about this.
This is, this is actually kind of healthy in a way, ironically, but.
But this, you know, you can, you can forget about her for a couple of
weeks and not be bugged about it.
And that's not a good relationship to be in.
So I turned something like that recently down in my church and it
was a little rough, but we, we figured it out, but, um, I did find myself
thinking on the back end of it.
in terms of what am I able to offer
and what do I need to be able to do
in order to keep this girl if I do pursue her?
And I realized that was kind of all,
that was my only dimension.
So can I ask you,
do you mind if I ask you another question?
Sure.
Can you tell me a little bit
about your dynamic with your mom?
My mom?
Yeah.
That's great.
Okay.
I'm happy to say it was different when I was young,
but we,
mom really changed a lot
as I was becoming a young adult
and mom and I are very comfortable right now.
We call each other quite a bit
and there's none of that in between ick
or baggage or anything like that.
We just dive right into just talk about stuff and...
Yeah.
Can you tell me what it was like before it was great?
Without wanting to go into too much detail,
she was-
It's okay.
Just whatever you feel comfortable.
She was,
she had some anger,
some bitterness
to deal with.
If you're,
if you are trying to,
if you were trying to suss out my,
if you're kind of curious about where my wounds might be,
which I don't blame you asking for,
I would honestly,
actually attribute it more to my experience,
social experiences in church.
I grew up in a very upper middle class church
in which I really did not fit,
didn't belong.
And the gals that I did try to pursue,
I realized kind of too late that I was
not making nearly enough money
to be respected in those groups.
And so I really started thinking in terms of
what am I able to offer?
What can I bring to the table versus these other guys?
And I started,
there was some of that in there and I,
my pastor provided some healing for me actually
a decade later.
I kind of said that that wasn't a good group
for anyone to be in.
Those were hard waters to swim in
and you shouldn't let yourself be intimidated
in your pursuit of women
because of your experiences there.
That was,
and a lot of those gals are still single.
I'll add to that.
I think that really was real formative
in how I am right now.
But I definitely started thinking
in terms of what am I gonna have to do to keep her happy?
What am I gonna have to offer?
How handy do I have to be around the house?
How much money do I need to make?
But yeah, just fixing, providing.
How much of her emotions do I need to carry?
And when I can't, I can't do all that.
I have to be available for what the Lord leads me to do
and what she asks for, but I can't carry it all.
So I've been doing some hard work on this matter,
but looking for clarity.
So a couple of things,
and I love that you were sharing
some of this other stuff with me.
And I typically do,
just because I don't know the guys
as well as I know some of the ladies,
but even the ladies,
I try to ask them a little bit about deeper questions
so that I can kind of discern
maybe what's going on underneath the surface.
Because even when we've done a lot of work, Brandon,
there can be things that are still under there
that are subconsciously driving us
to do certain types of things.
And so as you were talking,
interestingly enough, you said multiple times,
what am I going to have to do to keep her happy?
And that's why I asked about your mom.
So-
She was hard to please when I was young.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
And that's great.
I love that you guys have a better relationship now,
but the reality is,
is I genuinely think your inner dialogue
is kind of causing you to put up walls.
Because even when you described those ladies
in the other church,
which if they were unhealthy, of course,
you don't want to be with someone
who is putting value on things
that they shouldn't be and things like that.
But I wrote down as you were talking,
because this is what I heard in my spirit,
that sometimes you count yourself out.
Like you take your-
Just sometimes, huh?
Yes.
Yeah, I wrote,
I wrote sometimes I think that you count yourself out.
Like you take yourself out of the game
before you actually need to.
And I think that's just something
that's happening subconsciously.
I'm not saying that's what happened
with this current lady that you just broke up with
or ended dating her.
But I genuinely think that
there's an internal part of you
that still needs some healing regarding your mom.
Because that feeling of like,
what do I have to do to keep her happy?
Because, and I'm not saying that's not a good thing
to a degree, of course.
I want to make Brian happy.
He wants to make me happy.
But if that's a driver,
that's where it signals to me.
okay, there's something going on there
that you actually think you as a person aren't enough.
And if you had to walk on eggshells growing up,
if mom was angry and bitter a lot
and you felt like you could never keep her happy,
I think that's playing a role in your life today.
Most likely.
Yeah, and it doesn't mean you haven't done the work.
It just means, I think, again,
I try to tell all the people when I coach
that healing happens in layers,
forgiveness happens in layers.
And so as we're going down the path,
sometimes God's gonna, if you think of a car,
you know, we pop the hood.
Sometimes we just take a look up under the engine
to figure out why the light's coming on inside the dash.
And I feel like the light's coming on inside the dash,
so to speak, and it's saying,
hey, the Lord's like, why do you keep believing
that you can't make someone happy?
You know, that you almost have to go into overdrive
or figure it out.
Or, you know, you're always trying to like, kind of,
like you said, are you trying to suss out?
Are you trying to suss out what happened in my past?
But like, you're trying to, in a sense,
suss out people to protect yourself
or to try to be the best version of yourself
that you can be, which is good.
But I think that that's where you start
counting yourself out.
Because if you think you cannot keep them happy,
you just convince yourself it's never gonna work.
Well, you can go to, once you've hit there,
I think you can go one of two places,
which you can either charge into those relationships
and try and be that awesome fixer,
or yeah, you can just decide that's a huge goal
and I don't have what it takes,
so I'm just ditching, you know?
Yeah.
It's not gonna, that is not what happened
in this last relationship, by the way.
Yeah, I didn't get that vibe at all,
even when you were talking about it.
Yeah.
I think that actually was a good thing
that you ended that.
But here's what I would love for you to do, Brandon.
I would really love for you to pray into your value,
not what you can provide for someone,
not how you can help them, but like, who are you?
Like, what, like when I say to you,
like I ask the ladies, ask God, who does he say you are?
And I really would love for you to work on that
because ultimately at the core,
your value, who you are as a person
is what is gonna attract your spirit mate,
not just what you can provide for them or do for them.
And the more that you know that you bring value as a person,
as a son of God,
that is what's gonna anchor you to someone
that like lead you to a spirit mate that's healthy.
And you might've already done work on this before,
but I promise you,
I think God wants to show you something new about this.
And he wants to heal another layer
of this thing with your mom.
And so even though, again, you guys have a healthy,
it sounds like good relationship now,
I want you to think about little Brandon.
Because little Brandon is who needs taken care of tonight.
Okay?
And that's what I try to tell the ladies too.
Sometimes we forget when we're adults,
like we're just trying to fix us right now,
but the little version of us,
the little girl or the little boy
is actually who needs some attention.
And just acknowledging like the pain
of how hard that can be sometimes
to try to always please someone who's always angry.
That's a lot for any kid.
It's not even possible, right?
And so loving on the little version of you
and really, and the way I try to coach people to do that
is to actually acknowledge the pain that you experienced
when that stuff was happening
and really encouraging the little version of Brandon
that you don't have to,
that version doesn't have to hide anymore.
Because your adult version is living out
what your little version learned.
So it's like a convergence is what starts to happen
when the little version of us
starts to heal more and more and more,
the adult version of us starts to converge back
and accept that.
Because like there's parts of us too
where we will be so broken as a little kid
that we actually, the adult version of us
does not accept that version back here.
We shame that version.
We're embarrassed by the things that we did or said
or how we reacted instead of loving, like covering.
Yes, Megan dropped a comment saying,
just chuckling fondly at the idea of little Brandon.
And I almost wrote in the chat back to her,
yeah, he was an idiot.
And just for a laugh,
but I think that's kind of proving,
I think that's kind of proving what I said
because I've outgrown it.
grown a lot of the mistakes I made as I was a kid.
I'm not the same individual anymore.
I don't need to be operating on that operating system anymore.
No, you don't.
And little Brandon wasn't an idiot either.
Just, I just, I'm gonna say that right out loud to you.
It doesn't, and you raised your eyebrow when I said that.
So somewhere in you, you still believe that about yourself.
I have, well, I have a little bit of neurodivergence
going on that severely affected me at,
that severely affected my social skills
at a very young age.
I'm a lot further along the path now.
So by God's grace, that's come a long way,
but there was a lot there with that too.
And yeah.
Okay, so, hey, Brandon, this is huge.
It really is.
And I don't wanna rush past what's happening
tonight for you.
When we go through stuff like this, anybody,
when we reject parts of ourselves because we struggled
in one way, shape or form.
Now I did not go through what you'd went through,
but being sexually abused as a little girl by my siblings,
you better believe I shut down parts of myself
and I shamed myself.
I felt guilty, all kinds of things.
And so I had to learn how to love myself
because I didn't know what to do when I was a little girl.
I didn't know what to do with that.
And then when I finally told,
when I was a junior in high school,
my mom was mean to me.
So when we experienced that kind of brokenness
and we shame the little versions of ourselves
or call ourselves an idiot or stupid,
or I would bump into walls, you all,
and apologize to walls and say, I'm sorry.
Why do we do that stuff?
Well, because at some point on some level,
deep inside of ourselves, we feel sorry for existing.
And God wants you to know that you were not an idiot.
There were things that you were going through
that you needed help and care and love and support.
And I'm not shaming your mom,
but there were things that were going on there
that I think were exasperating
what was going on inside of you.
And so I feel like God is wanting to cover you tonight
and really help you continue to,
what I heard when you were talking
about the neurodivergence is accept and love,
even though that was hard
and it probably was really tough to walk through,
but God wants you to heal in that place.
So I bless you in the Lord.
You're an amazing person and God loves you.
And I know your sisters here,
we're super grateful for what you shared tonight
and we're cheering you on.
And I do-
I'm grateful for that.
Yeah, I believe God has someone incredible for you, Brandon.
And we're going to be praying for you.
I am going to go ahead and close this out.
We're at 1003, everyone.
Thank you for everyone who shared your stories.
I know, Kathy, you put your hand up after I had mentioned
that I was going to end after Felicia and Brandon.
Bless you as well.
I'm so grateful to be here tonight with all of you all.
No matter what we've come from, God can heal us,
enable us to walk into more freedom every day, you all.
It's us pausing and saying, God, okay,
like this is where I'm struggling today.
This is what I'm navigating and I just need your grace.
I need your help.
Help me to see what I can't see.
So Father, I just thank you that you're doing this work
in us, God, that you never give up on us.
God, even when we shame ourselves,
we talk bad about ourselves, we put ourselves down, God.
Your spirit is crying out to us saying,
you have made us fearfully and wonderfully made.
God, I pray that you would go into the recesses
of our being, into those dark places, God,
and that you would place the balm of Gilead
upon our hearts, our souls, our minds, our spirits.
Help us to hear what your spirit is saying more clearly
as we move forward in the days ahead.
God, help us to recognize flags that are red.
Help us to recognize flags that are green.
Help us to recognize the areas where the counterfeit identity
is leading us away from your plan for us,
that we would not make excuses for unhealthy behavior,
that we would learn how to speak up and use our voices,
that we would set healthy boundaries when we need to, God.
And I thank you for courage for your sons
and your daughters.
I pray that you would continue to help us
to see ourselves the way you see us.
God, help us to continue to grow in our identity in Christ,
to be rooted and grounded in your love
more each and every day.
We just thank you for all these things in Jesus' name.
God bless you all.
I'll see you guys in the groups
and just know that even when you don't hear from us,
we are praying for you all, all the time.
We're cheering you on and we believe
in what God is doing in you.
Have a good night, everyone.
Thank you.
Bethany.
Bye everyone.