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Good evening everyone, hello, hello, y'all I can't believe I'm even gonna say this, but

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I'm sick again, y'all.

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So those of you that are praying for us, please keep praying.

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The enemy's really been fighting.

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I'm blaming it on my husband though, it's kind of funny.

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He got it first, y'all.

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I told him to keep his germs to himself and he didn't.

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But anyways, we're going through a lot of warfare in our church physically, and so thank

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you everyone who prays so faithfully for Jackie and David and the team.

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God is good, and he keeps meeting us in the middle of all this.

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And so I'm excited to still be here with y'all tonight, but I tell you that because I might

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have to stop and drink my tea from my throat here every now and then.

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So just giving you that heads up in advance.

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And it's gonna be a great session.

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I am gonna coach for a shorter period as far as like content in the beginning.

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I just felt led, as soon as I knew about a week ago that I was doing this session tonight,

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I really felt led to leave more time for the heartwork seat tonight.

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Interestingly enough, I was on one of the prayer calls this week and someone asked,

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can we have more time for the heartwork coaching for people to get in the seat?

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And I just felt like that was just another confirmation.

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So we're gonna do that tonight, but I'm excited to bring you some things just to help you

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all.

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For those of you who've already done the heartwork, you've been through it before.

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We have some guys that I know are new to our community doing heartwork right now that might

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be with us tonight.

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Know that we're praying for you.

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Whether you've done it before, you're doing it again, you're revisiting content, wherever

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you find yourself, if you're brand new for the men, God has some really amazing things

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to uncover and reveal tonight for us.

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I believe he's gonna help you all unpack the, what is the broken heart and how do we get

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caught up in these counterfeit identities?

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I think he's gonna bring that revelation a little deeper for those of you that have kind

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of been trying to understand what's leading you to pick people still that aren't healthy

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for you.

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Like, you know, cause sometimes we go down a trail with someone and we're like, wait

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a minute, how did I end up here again?

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If you are like me, that's what I did in the past.

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God had to really show me things that were still in my heart that I did not even realize

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were still there.

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After much healing, I had done a lot of work before I even came into the community and

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God revealed so much more while I was here.

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And so I'm gonna go ahead and pray and we're gonna jump right in.

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Father, thank you so much for just the fact that you love us.

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Your loving kindness leads us to repentance, it leads us to transformation, it leads us

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to healing.

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God, we thank you that you would reveal things in us, God, that we don't even know are still

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there.

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God, those hooks, those habits, those hang ups, the things that are causing us to still

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get stuck, to choose the wrong people, to even feel gravitated towards them, like there's

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some kind of chemistry there.

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But Lord God, sometimes what we think is chemistry is actually something that is not good, that's

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leading us to people that are not good for us.

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So Lord, I pray that you would just bring divine revelation and insight tonight.

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Lord, help us hear what your spirit is saying.

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Not just me conveying something to all of them, but God, what are you saying to them?

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What's the one or two things you need them to walk away with tonight to bring them breakthrough

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and supernatural revealings for healing?

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We thank you, Holy Spirit, that you're here with us.

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Father, thank you that you never leave us, you never forsake us, that you're always with

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us.

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And Jesus, thank you for the sacrifice you made on the cross for our freedom.

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It's because of your blood, it's because of what you did, that we can be set free on

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any level.

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And so we just apply the blood of Jesus Christ to every person that is here alive.

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Those that are going to watch the replay, God, we know that your word and Jesus, we

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know your truth and Holy Spirit, that the blood is what sets us free.

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The truth is what sets us free.

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So help us to have that truth and that reminder of the blood that's covering us, that's already

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provided the way for us tonight, in Jesus name, amen.

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So you all, some of this you might have heard, don't check out if you think you hear me saying

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something you've heard before, because if you all haven't heard me say this, back in

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the day, I think I, you know, when I first started coaching the heart work, I think I

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watched some of those videos, I'm not kidding, five, six, seven, eight times over and over.

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I've read the book multiple times.

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In order to coach it, I had to absorb it, I had to literally like continue to eat the

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truth in it.

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And it's just like a song, when you hear a song over and over and over, sometimes at

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the right appointed time that you need that song, what happens?

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It bubbles up in your spirit.

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So I hope that some of you will, it doesn't mean you have to stay in the ICU forever,

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but man, when we get a revelation, when we're, we're sensing God setting us free on like

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whatever it is that we're reading, we're doing, man, let's get back and revisit that stuff.

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So we're going to, we're going to dive into the scripture, Proverbs 4.23.

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This is from the ESV version.

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It says this, keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows the springs of life.

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Tonight, the goal is to help us go somewhere very specific to help you guys refine the tools that you've already been given.

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So for some of you, you're kind of like, man, you know, I already kind of get it.

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I don't need to get those tools back out.

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If you're ever like me, even all these years in, sometimes I'm like, do I have to do the prayer sheet again?

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You know, you revisit something.

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And it's not the Lord, like making us do anything ever.

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It's an invitation.

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It's an invitation.

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So always remember that.

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But here's the thing.

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Some of us are repeating patterns for you all.

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I'm already married.

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So I'm going to talk to those of you that are still in the dating process.

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You know, you're repeating patterns in your dating life.

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And some of you cannot figure out why, you know, better, or maybe in the past you knew better, but you chose that person back then.

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Some of you are still choosing those people now, and this isn't to shame you.

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It's hopefully going to give you revelation on why that keeps happening.

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And for some of you, you don't even realize right now you're dating someone that fits this category, someone that's not healthy for you.

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And so, you know, so many of us saw red flags or maybe even orange flags, and we explained them away.

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Now, some of us are totally on high alert all the time that some people have green flags and we're like, we're thinking they're red and they're actually green flags.

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So we're not going to necessarily talk about the green flags tonight, but I'm saying that to bring some balance here, because we don't want you all just trying to go out looking for all the red flags.

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But it's just to draw awareness to some of the processes you all are walking out that are leading you to explain away things and doubt what the Holy Spirit is showing you.

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Especially for those of you that maybe you tend to see that, you know, in the past, and you're just trying to be really careful to apply what you've been learning here, and you don't want to make mistakes.

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And that's not a bad thing. Remember, that's part of why we build in the community to come in and tell us, what are you experiencing? Who are the people that you're dating? How is it going? Why?

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So you can have some training wheels, y'all, because some of you, you're not ready to ride the bike by yourself. You're just not. I love you enough to tell you that.

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I, when I went through this program, I needed training wheels, because I didn't know how to choose someone healthy, because I didn't learn that growing up.

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I saw a lot of bad stuff. I went through a lot of bad stuff. And until I had people around me to help me recognize, I didn't have to keep putting up with the bad behavior, just because I'm a Christian, and I got to give them the benefit of the doubt.

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We do that, don't we? Sometimes too much. And so, but we also don't want to be so rigid.

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The ladies, I'm not saying men, men get rigid too, sometimes. But the ladies, some of us, we get so critical and so rigid, because of hurt we've been through that, man, we're like, we're just like, keep them at an arm's length. No way, men are bad, even though we're saying we want to meet someone.

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And so maybe you find yourself somewhere in that tonight. So I want to give you some language for what's happening in you when your broken heart is leading you to pick unhealthy people to explain away red flags.

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If you remember, our broken heart doesn't just wound us, right? It doesn't just create these wounds and these things, it actually causes us to have an actual counterfeit identity built within us. Sometimes multiple counterfeit identities are shown up there.

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That doesn't mean you're not a real person, y'all. Okay, remember, this is just basically the filters that you are looking at everybody through. Everything that you're hearing goes through a filter. And if your filters, your eye filter, and your ear filter, and your heart filter, have a bunch of junk in there, that's not good for you, that's wounds from the past or trauma, you are literally interpreting everything through that stuff.

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So tonight, I'm just going to go ahead and get you started in the chat. I want to hear from you guys, one word, try to keep it to one word. If you have to do a couple words, that's fine. But let's not do a paragraph, because I want this to be real quick, whatever comes up in your spirit.

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What is the pattern you keep repeating in relationships that you cannot explain? It doesn't even have to only be romantic, it could be friendships, it could be family. So let's just answer that question. What's the pattern you keep repeating and relationships that you cannot explain? Deborah says withdrawal, Justin, independence, unavailable, negativity, withdrawal, not letting people get close, no bandwidth, immature, push pull. Okay, so you're pushing people away, pulling them

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Back in, I'm guessing is what that means. Judgment, over performance. I think this one's quiet.

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Overgiving, dropping the ball. I'm trying to keep up. These are good. Hesitation and self-doubt. Yeah,

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such good ones. Rejection. Some of you all believe you're being rejected when God is

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redirecting you. I wanted to say that. Scarcity mindsets. A lot of overextending here.

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Not advocating for myself. Okay, so really at the core, if you think about that,

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y'all, if we feel like we're not advocating ourselves, a lot of time we don't even know

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what we like. We don't know our values enough. And even if we do, we feel guilty

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actually saying what they are. So I believe in, you know, I've just been reading the Modern

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Dating Sucks book. And so hopefully I say this correctly because I've only read that one once

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so far. But I think Jackie kind of describes it as the chill girl in there. You know, you're just

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always trying to make the guy happy, vice versa. The guys are always trying to make the ladies

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happy. So you're just trying to be chill with everything and act like things aren't bugging you

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when they really are. All right, so I'm going to go ahead and go back. Go ahead and keep putting

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those in as those come to you. So when you look at this one word, you want to really allow God to

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show you underneath of that, what are the lies you're believing that are still connected to that?

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And if you don't know the answer to that, that's where, again, you can use that revealing for

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healing cycle that is in our program. For those of you that don't know where that's at, I believe

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it's in week three in the heartwork course content. But you're going to try to discern,

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okay, what are the memories that are coming up that are connected to hesitation or control or

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whatever that was for you? So when we go back to the heartwork, y'all, if you have the physical

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copy, okay, y'all, this is like, literally, I've been through this thing so many times. But if

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you're in the hard copy book, pages 78 through 80, I'm just, I'm not going to read it to you,

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I'm just going to touch on some things from it. And then we're going to dive into it deeper. But

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if you're wondering in the ebook, it's in chapter six, it's like, right after the beginning page of

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that. But the broken heart, she talks about it in there as the liar, the puzzle and the pretender.

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Tonight, we're going to focus a lot on the pretender. Okay, so just so you know, where

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we're kind of going to keep going here. The pretender is where this counterfeit identity

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really hides out, if you will. And so again, I want you to remember that trauma doesn't just

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hurt us, it's creating these different versions of us. When you were wounded, and no one came to

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the rescue, if you will, you didn't just feel pain. In those moments, most of us subconsciously,

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not even intentionally, but subconsciously made a decision about who we had to be

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to survive what we were going through. Okay. So if you have stuff that you're still struggling

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to get over, a good question, if you haven't gotten an answer to like, Lord, what's the root

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of this? A good question might be, who did I make a decision to become to survive that situation?

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We're going to go into this a little more. The pages in the heartwork book physical copy were

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78 through 80. But what I'm talking about right now, this this is kind of just content that's

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built on top of that, if you will, it's from that. But I want you to be praying about again,

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when you went through trauma, when you were wounded by someone else, or even by yourself by

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your own decisions. Or let me just say this came up in my spirit to a lack of decisions.

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Some of us have experienced wounds because we we didn't make the decision that we needed to make.

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Right. So who did you decide in those moments subconsciously? Or even like, hey, this is just

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where I'm going to park. This is what I'm going to believe to survive what you were going through.

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Now I want you to understand, these versions of us actually are quite brilliant.

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You know why I'm saying that? Well, because they kept us alive. They did. And it was,

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we needed in those moments, a lot of us. Yeah, the false self. That's right, Brandon.

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But here's the thing, those those aspects, those people that we became to survive,

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those were never our true God given identity. So when you guys go through the heartwork,

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if you remember, or even in our advanced heartwork sessions, I talk a lot about and

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so does Jackie, obviously, I've gotten a lot of this from her coaching. But that original design

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who to God originally create you to be before wounds or trauma ever entered your life. And for

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many of us, we don't know that person we never have. Because stuff came in so fast. We didn't

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even like some of

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us came out of the wound, the womb with like stuff already

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had happened. Like it just we came out with this life that we

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were born into. And it was automatic wounds and trauma even

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before we exited that place. And so yeah, I would highly

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recommend David reading the book while you're doing the heart

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work. So if you guys in within the coursework, if you don't

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know this, there's instructions in every week. And those

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instructions will tell you what pages of the book to read that

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go with the videos for that week to that also go. Um, yeah, this

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is the heart work book. So that's what I'm talking about

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tonight. And there's an ebook copy in your in the coursework

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there. And so you want to go ahead and print that out or get

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the hard copy if you prefer that. I am a hard copy person. I

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like to have a book in my hand. So that's what I tend to do. But

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um, yeah, yeah, we're literally talking about the heart work

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course. And so when we do these advanced heart work sessions,

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for those of you that don't know, I try to bring content

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that you all have already learned and basically build on

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that. So you know how to apply it to your life a little more,

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you know, in depth, if you will, and I've done other content too

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in the past. You guys can just even look in your replays for

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the men that might not know this. There are a lot of

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advanced heart work sessions that I've done on even like

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control. In the past few months, you guys can check those out

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there. But tonight we're talking about and leaning into this

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pretender. So again, those those identities were never true. But

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what they actually did is is it created these masks, if you

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will, that built up over the wound. So that's where we

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started becoming someone that we were never called to be that we

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were never intended to be. But here's the problem. If y'all

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remember, Jackie talks about this a lot. Masks attract

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people, walls attract thieves, right? She talks about that all

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the time. So and here's the thing is they tend to the mask

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and the walls tend to attract the wrong people. Because a

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counterfeit identity can only draw out a counterfeit

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connection. Okay. Jeremiah 17, nine says the heart is deceitful

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above all things. You guys can look that scripture up. So it's

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not because we're bad. It's not because we're bad people. It's

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because we learned how to survive and these identities

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told us we had to do these things in order to survive. But

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hopefully most of you are not in that place anymore. So we

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don't need like those those counterfeit identities are not

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serving us anymore. They're actually holding us back. A

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wounded heart is going to report to us inaccurately, which is

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what I was talking about earlier with the filters of our eyes of

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our ears. You know, you go out and about and you have this

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suspicion radar on all the time, like you don't trust anybody,

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everybody's out to get you. Yeah. We're in. So this is for

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the VIP group and the men. So you're in phase three, if you're

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here tonight, because you you wouldn't have access if you

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weren't in there. But yeah, welcome. So glad you're here. So

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here are a couple. Oh, sorry, I wanted to also give you this

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scripture. It's Proverbs 23 seven in the amplified version.

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And this is what it says as a person thinks in his heart, so

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is he, whatever version of your heart believes it is, that's the

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version choosing your relationships. So I'm adding

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that after I read part of that scripture, if you didn't

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understand that. Let me read that again, as a person thinks

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in their heart and his heart and her heart. So are they. So

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whatever version of us is showing up in our heart, that's

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the version that's choosing the relationships or even resisting

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healthy relationships. For some of us, you know, we're showing

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up on a dating app, we're showing up on a date. And we've

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got all these walls up in our heart. And we got all these

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prejudgments about the person instead of just going in open.

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Remember what we believe about ourselves, we become and what we

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become is what we attract. That's how this whole counterfeit

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identity stuff is going to lead you to attract unhealthy

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counterfeit identities as well. Alright, so I'm going to give

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you a couple of examples. Again, this is just to help you guys

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kind of process this stuff more. This is not an exhaustive list,

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there probably can be others, but here's some of them. What

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I'm going to do, I'm going to list the counterfeit identity,

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I'm going

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List an example, again these are just examples, of the wound underneath of that counterfeit identity.

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And then typically some of the people that those counterfeit identities will tend to attract.

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Counterfeit identity number one, the fixer.

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Here's one of the wounds underneath of the fixer counterfeit identity.

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I'm only valuable when I'm needed.

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Anyone else have a lot of friends and people you've dated where you just wanted to help them?

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You wanted to help them spiritually? You wanted to help them financially?

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You wanted to help them just grow as a person?

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Really cool, right? Until it's not anymore.

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Because you become their mom or the men become the dads, right?

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That's not equal. That's not running the race with somebody who's really ready for you.

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Here's who they tend to attract. The fixer tends to attract people who need rescuing.

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People who live in victim place, mentalities.

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And sometimes the fixer has a savior complex that needs healing.

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Okay, number two, counterfeit identity. The strong one.

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The wound that tends to be underneath of there.

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Again, there could be others, but this is what I'm bringing to the surface tonight.

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No one showed up, so I don't need anyone.

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No one showed up for me. I'm always abandoned.

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I ask everybody for help and nobody ever helps me.

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So we become the strong one and we tell ourselves we don't need anybody.

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And some of you, as I've said time and time again,

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we say to ourselves, it's just easier being single.

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It's just easier. I don't need a man.

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Some of the men are like, I don't need a woman.

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Why? Why are we parking in those camps?

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God created us. If you feel called to marriage,

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God created you to partner with someone on the earth,

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to grow each other and to be a part of his kingdom,

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you know, plan for your lives as individuals, as well as a couple.

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Who do these people, the strong ones, tend to attract?

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People who never have to show up for them.

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Typically, that is what actually happens.

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They tend to attract people that they literally just,

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they never fully show up and they never fully commit.

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And the strong ones always trying to pull them along.

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Trying to convince them that they want to get married.

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Is anyone recognizing themselves at all yet tonight?

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Number three, the counterfeit identity is the peacekeeper.

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The wound underneath here tonight is conflict means danger.

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People that we tend to attract when we walk in this counterfeit identity

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are people whose behavior needs excusing.

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We're always excusing their bad behavior.

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I had, I have a lovely lady in our church.

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I'm getting to know her. And when I first met her,

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she had broken up with the man that she had dated on again,

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off again, on again, off again.

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Because the last time they were dating, he hit her.

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So I've been trying to do some work with her.

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She told me a couple of weeks ago, they're back together.

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And do I think people can change?

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Sure. Absolutely.

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Am I convinced this guy has changed?

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I don't know yet. I've never met him.

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But here's the thing.

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When she was like talking to me about the fact that she was dating him again,

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this is what she said to me.

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When I asked her like, hey, what do you mean you're back with this guy?

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Like, this is the guy that hit you, right?

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And she said, yeah, he only hit me one time, though.

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Y'all.

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Now, I asked her an important question because I didn't want to be judgy.

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Okay. And I didn't want to believe this guy can't change.

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But I said to her, what has he done to heal and be a different person?

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And she kept going to, oh, but he's just treating me so good.

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He's doing this.

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And I said, well, that's not what I'm asking you.

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How has he become a different person so that he doesn't do that again?

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How what has he done to heal and change?

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Because whatever caused him to do that before is still in there.

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If he hasn't done the work.

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Okay.

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And people can only control that stuff for so long until something happens again.

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And it sets it off.

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So please don't excuse unhealthy behavior.

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You are worth someone, you know, having good fruit.

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They don't need to be perfect people.

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There are no perfect people.

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But we want to choose healthy people and healthy behaviors.

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Counterfeit identity, the achiever.

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One of the wounds underneath.

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Love.

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has to be earned. The achiever feels like, man, I just always

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have to perform, I have to do something to get their attention

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or their affection. People that we tend to attract when we walk

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in this is people who make us prove our love to them over and

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over and over again. Counterfeit identity, the invisible one, the

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wound that tends to be underneath is seen and not heard.

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We believe the lie that we are never seen. Nobody cares about

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what we have to say. And we partner with like, that's just

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who I am. Nobody pays attention to me. Some of you all like

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you're showing up on the apps like that you're literally going

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with your heart subconsciously. Like, yeah, I'm coming on the

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app, but nobody ever picks me. I don't even know why I'm doing

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this. That's the enemy trying to get you to partner with. I'm the

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invisible one. I said something recently on one of the heart

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work sessions with just the women. And I said, I want you

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all to kind of picture, instead of being in a line where there's

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one person in the front and everybody lines up behind, I

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want you to kind of just start imagining that all and this is

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just the women, but I would say this to the men tonight, too.

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We're all standing side by side. There is a line, but we're

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standing side by side, which means we can all be chosen at

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the same freaking time. Literally. But we look at it

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like, nope, God's put us in this line. And you know, she got

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picked and I'm getting passed over. Y'all, that's not truth.

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That's the invisible one telling you that that is that's your

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life. That's your lot. The people we tend to attract are

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actually people who overlook us. They don't make us a priority.

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They don't celebrate you. They don't cheer you on. It tends to

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be all about them. Here's I have two more, the counterfeit of the

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provider. I'm valued for what I produce, not who I am. Okay, the

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people that we tend to attract when we walk in that is people

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who take from us take from us take from us, and they don't

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pour back in. Now in all relationships, you all there

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should be a give and take back and forth when they're healthy.

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And sometimes life happens. You know, like, for me, my husband

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was sick for a week. So I was given him more y'all. And then

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if I'm sick, hopefully he's given back to me, which he does.

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But you see what I'm saying? Sometimes there are those kind

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of situations in life happens where you might be giving a

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little more at some point. But hopefully you're with a healthy

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person who's going to reciprocate that to you whether

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you're sick or not. Right? Last one, the protector. One of the

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wounds underneath of this is I don't get to have needs. You

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tend to be people who even in the heartwork, you're trying to

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fix everybody else. And in the groups, you're trying to help

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everybody else, but you're you're still spinning in the

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same place. So do you get to have needs? Do you believe that

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you get to have needs and that it's actually okay for you to

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have needs and wants that God cares about the things that you

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want? No, God gives me things that I don't even speak out

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sometimes he knows they're on my heart and I want it and I don't

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speak it out and he gives it to me. I'm not saying everything. I

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wanted to get married to my spiritual daughter's dad years

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ago. Praise the Lord. He did not say yes to that. That was a hot

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mess. Man, I would have ruined my life. And God kept me from

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that and spared me from my own self. And now I have a husband

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that I love that does life with me that cares about me that

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protects me is kind to me. Y'all my life is way different

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because you know, I kept following the Lord even when he

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kept redirecting me even though I thought I knew what was good

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for me, but my counterfeit identity was fooling me for a

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while there. Yeah, Jason, great question. Can we be multiple

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00:29:16.600 --> 00:29:20.760
these? Yeah. You know what I look at this list and I'm like, um,

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I think I had all of these. I think I had all these and

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sometimes these things still try to come back out if I'm being

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honest. So and it doesn't make us like I don't want you guys

394
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going out of this being like, man, I'm messed up. Don't don't

395
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believe that lie. This is just to bring you revelation to help

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you keep knowing like kind of at least if you're like me, when I

397
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understand something, then I can like, like go to the Lord more

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specifically, and asking for help. God will still answer us

399
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if we're asking in general, but doesn't it change things when we

400
00:29:58.840 --> 00:30:00.040
put stuff on our Jesus care?

401
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.960
board and we're super specific about what that need is that we're casting on

402
00:30:04.960 --> 00:30:09.960
him and then it's like, whoa, he starts answering that stuff. He wants us to be

403
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specific. And for the guys, if you don't know what a Jesus Cares board is, again

404
00:30:14.320 --> 00:30:18.760
because we have some new guys in here tonight, that's also explained in your

405
00:30:18.760 --> 00:30:22.960
Heart Work course work. Definitely recommend it for men and women alike. If

406
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you have kids, I highly recommend you teach your kids young how to cast their

407
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cares on Jesus and not just in their minds, not just in their hearts, but

408
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physically onto a board that they can see and track that Jesus is answering

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their prayers and needs too. But yeah, I totally, you know, there were a lot of

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things and different seasons of things I went through that created all these

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00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:55.120
different counterfeits in me for sure. And different dynamics and relationships

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00:30:55.120 --> 00:31:01.240
brought these different counterfeits out even more. All right, we're gonna keep

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going. So let's put in the chat. All right, which one made you the most

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uncomfortable tonight? Go ahead and put that. Yes, Crystal, that's awesome. Which,

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which one of the ones, if you can remember, made you the most uncomfortable

416
00:31:19.040 --> 00:31:27.200
tonight? Okay, we have two peacekeepers. Strong one. Achiever. Fixer. Achiever. Fixer.

417
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Peacekeeper. See here, we got a lot of peacekeepers in here. Anyone else?

418
00:31:36.440 --> 00:31:40.640
Invisible one, I thought, I think I saw that come out. All right, y'all, you can

419
00:31:40.640 --> 00:31:43.840
keep putting those in there. So here's the thing, we're gonna go through the

420
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rest of this really quick. So we're gonna talk about why we blow past flags

421
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because of this stuff. This is kind of the core of why I explained all those

422
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other things. So when we miss flags, because I used to think this too, I felt

423
00:32:04.080 --> 00:32:08.840
so naive, I felt so dumb sometimes, literally, I'm just being honest with you

424
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all. When I looked back at how many years I took with not just my ex-husband, but

425
00:32:15.880 --> 00:32:25.040
my girl's dad, and it was six years of being treated, like, horribly. I'm like,

426
00:32:25.040 --> 00:32:30.080
why did I think that I couldn't get anything better? I still sometimes, I'm

427
00:32:30.080 --> 00:32:35.480
like, I like felt like there was just this veil over my heart and mind. And

428
00:32:36.120 --> 00:32:39.280
then one day, it was just like, God just started kept talking to me. He was

429
00:32:39.280 --> 00:32:43.840
talking to me the whole time. But I started really listening. I would be at

430
00:32:43.840 --> 00:32:47.480
family functions with him and his family, like, you don't belong, like, in my

431
00:32:47.480 --> 00:32:52.360
spirit, you don't belong here. This is not your family. This is not the right

432
00:32:52.360 --> 00:33:01.320
fit for you. And I really quit ignoring that voice. And that was the Lord. And

433
00:33:01.320 --> 00:33:04.440
the more that I listened to that, and the more that I started getting

434
00:33:04.440 --> 00:33:09.640
counseling, and working on, okay, what led me to pick the same kind of person

435
00:33:09.640 --> 00:33:13.440
again, because I went from my ex-husband to another guy that I dated to them, the

436
00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:19.920
girl's dad, and they all had very similar ways of living, treating me. And

437
00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:25.480
so I was the common denominator. And I needed to understand why I kept going

438
00:33:25.480 --> 00:33:33.160
down that path. The protector tends to attract, again, there could be others,

439
00:33:33.160 --> 00:33:37.000
but the one I wrote on here is, oh, sorry, I didn't do that one, did I?

440
00:33:37.120 --> 00:33:42.760
People with no room for your needs. So they're just like, because the lie we

441
00:33:42.760 --> 00:33:48.640
believe is, I don't get to have needs. So we tend to attract people that they

442
00:33:48.640 --> 00:33:52.560
don't have room to listen to our needs. They don't have room or the capacity to

443
00:33:52.560 --> 00:33:57.560
care for our needs. Some of the ways that I've experienced this showing up, I can

444
00:33:57.560 --> 00:34:02.480
remember my spiritual daughter's dad, when I would get sick, you all, and back

445
00:34:02.480 --> 00:34:06.800
then, like, I didn't get sick, like how often I have been here. I think it's

446
00:34:06.800 --> 00:34:12.480
still from the mold stuff that we went through last year. But um, he would like

447
00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:17.120
treat me really bad when I would get sick. I had sick days. I didn't call off

448
00:34:17.120 --> 00:34:22.880
work hardly at all. And you all I work two jobs. I mean, I there was no reason

449
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:28.360
for that treatment. And even if I didn't work that much, but um, when he would get

450
00:34:28.360 --> 00:34:32.920
sick, y'all he was like a little babe, wanted everybody to take care of him.

451
00:34:33.639 --> 00:34:40.560
And I'm not mocking that. I'm not. But it was like, I wasn't allowed to be sick.

452
00:34:40.960 --> 00:34:46.800
Which interestingly enough, when I was younger, my mom would get aggravated me

453
00:34:46.840 --> 00:34:50.400
with me when I got sick. I got mono when I was in kindergarten, I had strep

454
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:54.920
throat a lot as a kid. A lot of the trauma I went through my body just did

455
00:34:54.920 --> 00:35:00.080
not know how to handle all that. And so it showed up in sickness. Um, I did

456
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.560
know that back then, but I know it now because I've learned and had a lot of autoimmune disorder

457
00:35:06.560 --> 00:35:10.000
stuff that came out of that. So I'm just for any of you that you've gone through that,

458
00:35:10.800 --> 00:35:16.320
you might find yourself attracting people that have no patience for you when you're feeling sick.

459
00:35:18.000 --> 00:35:22.480
And that's not something that you want to live with, okay? Because you can have someone who's

460
00:35:22.480 --> 00:35:29.040
super patient and kind to you and will help you when you need it. All right, so we're not naive.

461
00:35:29.040 --> 00:35:33.920
We miss red flags because our counterfeit identity, I'm going to call it, I'm kind of

462
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:40.480
elaborating on what was in the book, but not too much. It has a job description. That's the way I

463
00:35:40.480 --> 00:35:45.360
wrote it tonight. Our counterfeit identity, they've got a job description. They know what

464
00:35:45.360 --> 00:35:53.520
their role is. And when someone walks in who lets our counterfeit identity do their job,

465
00:35:54.400 --> 00:36:02.720
our nervous system actually reads that as chemistry. Quite amazing, actually. But it

466
00:36:02.720 --> 00:36:08.080
isn't chemistry, you all. It's familiarity. Familiarity. I think I'm saying that right.

467
00:36:09.120 --> 00:36:16.000
So years ago, I had multiple dreams about, and God revealed to me that I was a familiar spirit.

468
00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:22.080
He was revealing to me that a familiar spirit was coming against me, coming against me. I never

469
00:36:22.080 --> 00:36:30.400
understood it back then, but now it makes so much sense. So for some of you, you're attracting the

470
00:36:30.400 --> 00:36:37.200
people that actually are like the enemy is sending them to lead you off track. The fixer doesn't just

471
00:36:37.200 --> 00:36:42.640
get butterflies over a healthy person, because guess why? There's nothing to fix.

472
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:50.960
I know this to be true because I chose Brian, pretty healthy person. We got married. And then

473
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:57.360
you all, not long after we got married, I literally called Jackie like, I'm kind of bored. Did I pick

474
00:36:57.360 --> 00:37:03.600
the wrong person? Brian is little, he is not a boring person, you all. What she said to me,

475
00:37:04.080 --> 00:37:12.080
she said, it's because there's no chaos. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, because you don't,

476
00:37:12.080 --> 00:37:19.280
you did not learn how to exist out of chaos. And so now because there's not chaos, your nervous

477
00:37:19.280 --> 00:37:23.520
system and your mind is like basically lying to you and telling you you're bored when you're not,

478
00:37:23.520 --> 00:37:29.520
you're actually at peace. And it was such a revelation. And it was so true. And it was

479
00:37:30.480 --> 00:37:37.520
And it was such a revelation. And it was so true. We have a fun, exciting life. It is not boring

480
00:37:37.520 --> 00:37:45.760
around here. And so for some of you, you might even feel that way. When you go out with a healthy

481
00:37:45.760 --> 00:37:52.480
guy or a healthy lady. Because you're used to chaos. All right, I'm going to keep going.

482
00:37:54.080 --> 00:37:58.320
So there's no like kind of role to play for that counterfeit identity. So they're kind of like,

483
00:37:58.480 --> 00:38:02.560
this is boring. This isn't for me. There's nothing to fix here. You don't know that's

484
00:38:02.560 --> 00:38:08.320
what's going on in your subconscious, but that's what's going on. And so you're not

485
00:38:08.320 --> 00:38:15.600
attracted to healthy yet. That's what's happening there. You're attracted to the assignment

486
00:38:16.400 --> 00:38:25.120
within that person as well. Four ways that we can override flags. So we tend to reframe them.

487
00:38:26.080 --> 00:38:34.880
We might say something like, oh, they're discarded. They've been hurt before. So it's okay that they

488
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:42.720
don't ever open up. We might say, or think, you know, that we need to take ownership of it.

489
00:38:42.720 --> 00:38:48.320
Ownership of their flag. I probably just got triggered by that. That's my fault. Yeah, we

490
00:38:48.320 --> 00:38:51.840
might have gotten triggered. But maybe we got triggered because they were actually doing

491
00:38:52.720 --> 00:38:58.080
something unhealthy. Sometimes we get triggered because of our own stuff and we can own that.

492
00:38:58.080 --> 00:39:01.120
But yeah, we don't need to take responsibility for someone else's bad behavior.

493
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:06.880
I had a lady come up to me. We were at a conference two weeks ago.

494
00:39:09.360 --> 00:39:14.720
Our worship pastor had just gotten ordained. It was a big celebration night. We're all having fun.

495
00:39:14.720 --> 00:39:19.680
And this lady that's a part of our church comes up to me and tries to, it's like 930 at night,

496
00:39:20.320 --> 00:39:27.840
tries to ask me a financial question about church stuff. And I'm like, first of all, I didn't even

497
00:39:27.840 --> 00:39:31.440
know what she was talking about because she basically was like, did you read my email? She

498
00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:37.280
got really mad. I'm saying this to you because what I did that night is I said, hey, this is

499
00:39:37.280 --> 00:39:44.880
not the time or the place to be asking me this. Y'all, she did not like that. She didn't. She got

500
00:39:44.960 --> 00:39:50.240
real mad. And I was just like, look around. Everybody's celebrating. This is a party.

501
00:39:51.120 --> 00:39:58.080
I'm not working right now. She really didn't like that, but I did it anyways.

502
00:39:58.080 --> 00:39:59.920
And then you want to know what she said to me?

503
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:03.600
She's like, you, you just make me feel so bad all the time.

504
00:40:03.600 --> 00:40:05.740
That's what she said in response to me.

505
00:40:05.740 --> 00:40:09.040
I said, I don't make you anything.

506
00:40:09.040 --> 00:40:13.800
If you feel mad or frustrated, that's on you.

507
00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:18.040
Because right now I'm just trying to say we're here having a good time.

508
00:40:18.040 --> 00:40:22.340
I can answer that question during work hours.

509
00:40:22.340 --> 00:40:25.040
Some people aren't going to like when we set boundaries,

510
00:40:25.040 --> 00:40:28.140
but it's not my responsibility to worry about how she feels.

511
00:40:28.140 --> 00:40:32.800
I was as kind as I could be in that moment, you all, genuinely.

512
00:40:32.800 --> 00:40:38.600
And not everybody is going to like when we set a boundary that is important.

513
00:40:38.600 --> 00:40:41.840
So we don't have to be rude to people,

514
00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:45.340
but I also want some of you to understand that some of you

515
00:40:45.340 --> 00:40:49.740
need to stop taking ownership for someone else's bad behavior.

516
00:40:49.740 --> 00:40:52.840
Okay, number three, you future time it.

517
00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:55.700
They'll change once they feel secure.

518
00:40:55.700 --> 00:40:57.700
You know, they don't know the Lord really that much yet,

519
00:40:57.700 --> 00:41:02.060
but, you know, they'll grow into who I can see all this potential in them.

520
00:41:02.060 --> 00:41:04.260
That's why Jackie talks all the time.

521
00:41:04.260 --> 00:41:06.940
We cannot marry potential, you all.

522
00:41:06.940 --> 00:41:11.360
We can't.

523
00:41:11.360 --> 00:41:13.560
Number four, you trade it.

524
00:41:13.560 --> 00:41:15.560
Yes, but they're this.

525
00:41:15.560 --> 00:41:21.160
So you're like saying what their potential is over what is the evidence.

526
00:41:21.160 --> 00:41:23.600
What are the facts?

527
00:41:23.600 --> 00:41:27.960
Some of us, you know, we convince ourselves, well, they're telling us this,

528
00:41:27.960 --> 00:41:29.460
but I believe this.

529
00:41:29.460 --> 00:41:30.960
I believe they do really want to get married,

530
00:41:30.960 --> 00:41:35.440
even though their actions and their words are saying they don't.

531
00:41:35.440 --> 00:41:41.400
Okay, so I want you to start just kind of noticing and paying attention

532
00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:45.600
to if you're doing any of those things when you're interacting with friends,

533
00:41:45.600 --> 00:41:49.860
family, romantic, you know, potential romantic partners.

534
00:41:49.860 --> 00:41:52.500
Are you trying to reframe things to make it okay?

535
00:41:52.500 --> 00:41:59.400
Are you trying to take ownership of somebody else's stuff?

536
00:41:59.400 --> 00:42:03.200
Are you trying to like, you know, convince yourself just to keep dating this person

537
00:42:03.200 --> 00:42:08.300
because one day they'll become healthy versus just trusting that God

538
00:42:08.300 --> 00:42:14.640
can bring you someone healthy, but you just have to keep moving on and in the process.

539
00:42:14.640 --> 00:42:20.300
If you all think I didn't come across any unhealthy men in the dating process this last time,

540
00:42:20.360 --> 00:42:25.040
you know, I just want to tell you I did, several.

541
00:42:25.040 --> 00:42:28.640
But I learned in this last time through this stuff and being accountable,

542
00:42:28.640 --> 00:42:34.200
having the training wheels on, how to navigate and trust my discernment.

543
00:42:34.200 --> 00:42:36.100
For me, I had to write it out.

544
00:42:36.100 --> 00:42:41.240
That was part of my learning to trust myself, writing out what my experience was with somebody.

545
00:42:41.240 --> 00:42:43.900
Was that a yellow flag? Was that a green? Was it red?

546
00:42:43.900 --> 00:42:48.400
I like literally had to do that for myself to help myself grow.

547
00:42:48.400 --> 00:42:52.200
What were fun things that we did? What was good fruit I saw in them?

548
00:42:52.200 --> 00:42:56.400
What was unhealthy fruit I saw in them?

549
00:42:56.400 --> 00:43:00.200
For some of you, you're trying to go so fast, you're not giving yourself enough time

550
00:43:00.200 --> 00:43:06.800
to even process and listen to what you actually are recognizing.

551
00:43:06.800 --> 00:43:11.500
I promise you, getting to the altar is not the goal.

552
00:43:11.500 --> 00:43:15.500
I know for many that's kind of the goal for you,

553
00:43:15.500 --> 00:43:18.200
but you're going to regret it if you rush to the altar

554
00:43:18.200 --> 00:43:22.100
and you marry someone that is not healthy for you.

555
00:43:22.100 --> 00:43:26.000
The goal is to create a kingdom family and marriage that is healthy and strong.

556
00:43:26.000 --> 00:43:32.800
That's the goal. Someone you can do life with in a healthy way long-term.

557
00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:35.200
Okay. All right, Genesis 3 connection.

558
00:43:35.200 --> 00:43:39.600
I just want to kind of take you guys back to, I talk about this all the time.

559
00:43:39.600 --> 00:43:43.700
I'm not going to read it. I just want to remind you all to go back and revisit it.

560
00:43:43.700 --> 00:43:46.700
You know, it's when God finds Adam and Eve in the garden.

561
00:43:46.700 --> 00:43:49.500
They're hiding and he's asking them the question,

562
00:43:49.500 --> 00:43:52.400
who told you you were naked? So remember, you know,

563
00:43:52.400 --> 00:43:58.700
some of this stuff is who told you you were, you know, fill in the blank.

564
00:43:58.700 --> 00:44:04.300
A liar, a cheater, stupid, shy, when you weren't shy, you're too loud.

565
00:44:04.300 --> 00:44:08.300
I don't know. I'm just throwing some things out there.

566
00:44:08.300 --> 00:44:12.400
Remember that love should inform you. Well, who is love?

567
00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:19.000
God is love. We should be getting informed by what God says about us.

568
00:44:19.000 --> 00:44:21.300
When the women go through heart work,

569
00:44:21.300 --> 00:44:25.300
I do something with them called the silhouette and I have them

570
00:44:25.300 --> 00:44:30.000
and whatever that way that they feel led to draw a version of the silhouette of themselves

571
00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:35.600
to ask God who he says that they are and listen for his response.

572
00:44:35.600 --> 00:44:38.000
Write only positive things on the paper.

573
00:44:38.000 --> 00:44:40.400
If they hear negative things, write that on a separate paper,

574
00:44:40.400 --> 00:44:43.900
cross it out and ask God to show them the truth to replace that lie.

575
00:44:43.900 --> 00:44:46.300
For some of you, you need to revisit that.

576
00:44:46.300 --> 00:44:48.500
You need to get that out and you need to hang it back up

577
00:44:48.500 --> 00:44:51.800
and remind yourself what God said to you when you were in the heart work.

578
00:44:51.800 --> 00:44:54.100
Because some of you have already forgotten.

579
00:44:54.100 --> 00:44:59.900
Because hey, you all remember forming a new like mindset pattern.

580
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.400
takes time. So if you're you're, you know, old brain wiring

581
00:45:05.400 --> 00:45:10.240
system, said a lot of negative things about yourself. You got

582
00:45:10.240 --> 00:45:13.160
to like reinforce that with the positive to create a new

583
00:45:13.160 --> 00:45:16.240
neuropathway that becomes stronger than that old one.

584
00:45:16.760 --> 00:45:20.120
All right. Here's our last activation, and then I'm going

585
00:45:20.120 --> 00:45:24.480
to start to open the hardwork seat. All right, I want you to

586
00:45:24.480 --> 00:45:33.200
finish this statement. And I ignored blank, because I told

587
00:45:33.200 --> 00:45:40.360
myself blank. I ignored blank, fill in the blank with whatever

588
00:45:40.360 --> 00:45:44.920
that is, because I told myself, fill in the blank. So for me,

589
00:45:45.960 --> 00:45:48.920
when my spiritual daughter's dad cheated on me, you all I've

590
00:45:48.920 --> 00:45:53.680
told you before, some of your new more times than I could ever

591
00:45:53.680 --> 00:45:57.040
count on my hands and feet. And with multiple people at one time

592
00:45:57.040 --> 00:46:02.240
most of the time. I've still had people all these years later,

593
00:46:02.560 --> 00:46:08.120
surfacing messaging me on social media about that guy. Creepy.

594
00:46:09.960 --> 00:46:14.880
I'm saying that to you because I just would tell myself like one

595
00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:20.560
day, one day, he's gonna realize how good I am. One day, he's

596
00:46:20.560 --> 00:46:27.920
going to realize what he's doing is bad. But he wasn't ever

597
00:46:27.920 --> 00:46:30.600
willing to really get himself the help he needed to get set

598
00:46:30.600 --> 00:46:37.600
free from his sex addiction. Because that's what it was. Why

599
00:46:37.600 --> 00:46:40.920
would I want to stick around for that over and over and over

600
00:46:40.920 --> 00:46:45.800
again? Okay, so if that's you, maybe yours is a different thing

601
00:46:45.800 --> 00:46:49.480
and you're just making excuses for that person. The Lord is

602
00:46:49.480 --> 00:46:53.080
saying to you tonight, he loves you so much that he does not

603
00:46:53.080 --> 00:46:58.920
want you to settle for that. All right. Okay, so sit with that

604
00:46:58.920 --> 00:47:02.600
question this week, fill in the blank of that, you are worth it.

605
00:47:02.960 --> 00:47:08.200
So we don't have to hate the counterfeit version of

606
00:47:08.200 --> 00:47:11.600
ourselves, you all okay. Remember, it served us, you

607
00:47:11.600 --> 00:47:15.400
know, in a season we were in. Love that part of yourself.

608
00:47:15.400 --> 00:47:20.000
Don't shame that don't shame yourself. It's not like our

609
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:24.160
counterfeit identity isn't our enemy. But we don't need that

610
00:47:24.160 --> 00:47:27.440
survival strategy anymore. So it's just saying kind of like,

611
00:47:28.240 --> 00:47:31.800
thank you so much for helping me survive that that like, I don't

612
00:47:31.800 --> 00:47:35.680
need you anymore, because I am becoming this person now. And

613
00:47:35.680 --> 00:47:38.160
just start talking to your spirit, just like David, you

614
00:47:38.160 --> 00:47:40.640
know, when he was saying, Why are you downcast all my soul,

615
00:47:40.640 --> 00:47:44.000
hope in the Lord, speak to your spirit, tell yourself who you

616
00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:49.800
are, and who you're becoming. All right. So thank thank your

617
00:47:49.800 --> 00:47:54.000
counterfeit identity, retire it, and then allow yourself to take

618
00:47:54.000 --> 00:47:58.480
off the mask. So that you can continue to attract healthy

619
00:47:58.480 --> 00:48:02.000
people and practice attracting healthier people. Again,

620
00:48:02.000 --> 00:48:03.520
some of you're going to encounter people that aren't

621
00:48:03.520 --> 00:48:05.560
healthy on your path, but that doesn't mean you have to keep

622
00:48:05.640 --> 00:48:09.480
like going with them. God can show you you can recognize the

623
00:48:09.480 --> 00:48:13.320
flags, you can grow in that. And then God will help you. So your

624
00:48:13.320 --> 00:48:16.600
true identity was assigned before the wound. Remember, that

625
00:48:16.600 --> 00:48:19.800
was before any of that stuff entered. So ask God to show you

626
00:48:19.800 --> 00:48:24.880
who you are, who did he destined you to become before trauma or

627
00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:28.920
wounds ever entered your life. Okay, so we're going to open the

628
00:48:28.920 --> 00:48:31.200
heartwork seat now for those of you that don't know what I mean

629
00:48:31.200 --> 00:48:35.760
by that, you'll catch on, we can you all can ask questions about

630
00:48:35.760 --> 00:48:38.840
what I talked about tonight, you can ask questions about something

631
00:48:38.840 --> 00:48:41.120
else, if you're really struggling with something, and

632
00:48:41.120 --> 00:48:43.360
you just need to process the heartwork. I know I've heard

633
00:48:43.360 --> 00:48:46.240
from a couple people that you I think want to get into the

634
00:48:46.240 --> 00:48:48.360
heartwork seat. And the way we're going to do it is you just

635
00:48:48.360 --> 00:48:50.800
raise your digital hand, that's the easiest way for me to see

636
00:48:50.800 --> 00:48:54.160
you. And then I can kind of call on you in order, we are going to

637
00:48:54.160 --> 00:48:58.960
have a hard stop at 930. And so we'll do our best to get through

638
00:48:58.960 --> 00:49:01.880
as many people. So here's the thing, try to keep it short,

639
00:49:01.880 --> 00:49:04.240
brief and powerful. I know some of you feel like you have to

640
00:49:04.240 --> 00:49:08.760
give me all your backstory, like the whole story. You don't. Okay.

641
00:49:08.960 --> 00:49:11.640
So just tell me what's going on right now, short, brief and

642
00:49:11.640 --> 00:49:15.000
powerful. And then as the Lord leads, I'll ask you kind of some

643
00:49:15.000 --> 00:49:19.760
questions to build on from there. Yeah, we need this work

644
00:49:19.760 --> 00:49:23.760
for people we work with, too. So is there anybody that wants to

645
00:49:23.760 --> 00:49:26.200
get into the seat tonight? Because normally, normally

646
00:49:26.200 --> 00:49:28.840
there's hesitancy in the beginning, we sit here like

647
00:49:28.840 --> 00:49:32.440
this for a few minutes. And then as soon as we get going, other

648
00:49:32.440 --> 00:49:35.800
people raise their hand. Yeah. So Amy, love it. We'd love to

649
00:49:35.800 --> 00:49:36.760
hear what you have to say.

650
00:49:39.040 --> 00:49:45.880
Okay. Is that okay? I'm not on camera. Absolutely. Yeah. So,

651
00:49:45.920 --> 00:49:50.440
you know, I've done a lot of work on myself. And so much of

652
00:49:50.440 --> 00:49:53.280
what you were saying tonight just resonated with me for so

653
00:49:53.280 --> 00:49:58.640
many things. And now I'm finding myself in a different place in

654
00:49:58.640 --> 00:50:00.080
my life where I feel like

655
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.540
where I was looking for people to give me something.

656
00:50:04.540 --> 00:50:06.860
Now I feel like people are looking to me

657
00:50:06.860 --> 00:50:08.900
to give them something.

658
00:50:08.900 --> 00:50:10.880
And I'm like, what is going on?

659
00:50:10.880 --> 00:50:15.380
Because now at work and in my friendships,

660
00:50:15.380 --> 00:50:20.380
people are coming to me for something.

661
00:50:20.580 --> 00:50:22.180
I don't know exactly what it is.

662
00:50:22.180 --> 00:50:23.660
And one of my coworkers said,

663
00:50:23.660 --> 00:50:26.260
well, I just feel like it's because

664
00:50:26.260 --> 00:50:28.900
nothing ruffles your feathers.

665
00:50:28.900 --> 00:50:31.560
Like you're just, you never get upset.

666
00:50:31.560 --> 00:50:34.120
You never get, you're always at peace or whatever.

667
00:50:34.120 --> 00:50:37.200
And I was like, okay, but that's not really true.

668
00:50:37.200 --> 00:50:39.280
I mean, deep down inside, of course,

669
00:50:39.280 --> 00:50:42.060
I have my things that bothered me a lot.

670
00:50:42.060 --> 00:50:43.840
And then I started kind of thinking about it.

671
00:50:43.840 --> 00:50:45.840
And it's like, well, I guess I've kind of played

672
00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:47.640
that role in my family.

673
00:50:47.640 --> 00:50:49.520
Like I've always been the strong one

674
00:50:49.520 --> 00:50:52.120
that never had the feelings and always,

675
00:50:52.120 --> 00:50:54.480
I had my feelings, but it was always after

676
00:50:54.480 --> 00:50:57.000
there was some type of chaos

677
00:50:57.220 --> 00:51:00.420
or after I was already there for everybody else,

678
00:51:00.420 --> 00:51:01.860
then I fell apart.

679
00:51:03.140 --> 00:51:06.540
And I don't know what to do with that.

680
00:51:06.540 --> 00:51:09.740
I don't know if it's God just revealing to me

681
00:51:09.740 --> 00:51:11.620
more of healing that I need.

682
00:51:11.620 --> 00:51:15.680
I mean, but I've just been a little perplexed.

683
00:51:15.680 --> 00:51:16.520
Yeah.

684
00:51:16.520 --> 00:51:19.260
So Amy, when you were talking,

685
00:51:19.260 --> 00:51:21.900
before you even said that you played that role

686
00:51:21.900 --> 00:51:25.020
in your family, what I wrote down is overcorrect.

687
00:51:25.020 --> 00:51:26.180
So sometimes what can happen,

688
00:51:26.180 --> 00:51:28.080
I want you guys to think of a pendulum.

689
00:51:29.280 --> 00:51:32.520
Sometimes we can go from being like over here

690
00:51:32.520 --> 00:51:36.720
and we're trying to stop being this person, if you will,

691
00:51:36.720 --> 00:51:38.080
and we'll overcorrect.

692
00:51:38.080 --> 00:51:39.920
But what will happen is we'll swing

693
00:51:39.920 --> 00:51:41.680
all the way to the other side.

694
00:51:42.480 --> 00:51:43.320
Yeah.

695
00:51:43.320 --> 00:51:45.840
And I genuinely think that that might've happened with you.

696
00:51:45.840 --> 00:51:49.760
And I wrote down also, shut down.

697
00:51:49.760 --> 00:51:51.820
And I don't think you're shut down completely,

698
00:51:51.820 --> 00:51:55.160
but I think that you shut down certain aspects of yourself.

699
00:51:55.160 --> 00:51:56.580
Yes, I agree with that.

700
00:51:56.580 --> 00:51:57.420
Yeah.

701
00:51:57.420 --> 00:51:59.860
And again, I wrote that down before you started talking

702
00:51:59.860 --> 00:52:01.900
about the role you play in your family.

703
00:52:01.900 --> 00:52:05.860
And so I would encourage you to ask the Lord,

704
00:52:05.860 --> 00:52:07.100
kind of go back to those,

705
00:52:09.020 --> 00:52:10.580
sorry, I'm trying to think of what we call it,

706
00:52:10.580 --> 00:52:14.020
the protection mechanisms, the self-protection mechanisms.

707
00:52:14.020 --> 00:52:16.300
I would encourage you to go back and kind of start,

708
00:52:16.300 --> 00:52:18.040
don't look at your old one.

709
00:52:18.040 --> 00:52:20.340
I would print out a new one and just go through there

710
00:52:20.340 --> 00:52:23.700
and see if any of those things have kind of resurfaced

711
00:52:23.700 --> 00:52:28.160
in you and then the areas where you do tend to play

712
00:52:28.160 --> 00:52:31.600
the role of the strong one, or I'm hearing my spirit,

713
00:52:31.600 --> 00:52:32.640
like the silent one.

714
00:52:32.640 --> 00:52:34.120
Like you're just, you know.

715
00:52:34.120 --> 00:52:35.800
Yes, a hundred percent.

716
00:52:35.800 --> 00:52:37.080
I just don't say anything.

717
00:52:37.080 --> 00:52:38.080
I mean, I don't.

718
00:52:38.080 --> 00:52:40.200
People tell me stuff and I just sit there and listen.

719
00:52:40.200 --> 00:52:41.080
I go, oh yeah, okay.

720
00:52:41.080 --> 00:52:44.800
And then I just move on and I don't, I never say anything.

721
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:49.200
So tonight I encourage you to come out of agreement

722
00:52:49.200 --> 00:52:53.000
with that person, with that kind of place

723
00:52:53.020 --> 00:52:55.380
that you're parking yourself, because here's the thing.

724
00:52:55.380 --> 00:52:57.280
You don't necessarily even have to say anything

725
00:52:57.280 --> 00:52:59.540
in the moment, but what I want to encourage you to do,

726
00:52:59.540 --> 00:53:02.500
I want you to practice writing on paper,

727
00:53:02.500 --> 00:53:05.100
even if you don't say it to that person in that moment,

728
00:53:05.100 --> 00:53:07.740
writing out what you're actually thinking and feeling,

729
00:53:07.740 --> 00:53:09.740
even if it isn't good.

730
00:53:09.740 --> 00:53:10.580
Okay.

731
00:53:10.580 --> 00:53:12.300
You don't have to necessarily give it to them,

732
00:53:12.300 --> 00:53:15.900
but you need to practice acknowledging how you really feel

733
00:53:15.900 --> 00:53:17.340
and what you really think.

734
00:53:17.340 --> 00:53:18.900
Yes, that's true.

735
00:53:18.900 --> 00:53:20.940
Yeah, and then the Lord can help you work out

736
00:53:20.940 --> 00:53:22.860
if that's healthy or not, you know,

737
00:53:23.600 --> 00:53:27.200
or if you're feeling an area because of what's happening,

738
00:53:27.200 --> 00:53:29.480
but you don't have to be the silent one.

739
00:53:29.480 --> 00:53:31.200
And it's just like that lady that I,

740
00:53:31.200 --> 00:53:33.120
how I told you guys that story.

741
00:53:33.120 --> 00:53:37.040
I mean, do I want her to like me a hundred percent?

742
00:53:37.040 --> 00:53:39.200
Because she went and told her family

743
00:53:39.200 --> 00:53:40.720
that I was being mean to her.

744
00:53:40.720 --> 00:53:41.840
Right.

745
00:53:41.840 --> 00:53:42.880
That's what she did, you all.

746
00:53:42.880 --> 00:53:45.120
I didn't even tell you, it went on from there.

747
00:53:46.920 --> 00:53:49.560
But I was actually being a healthy person,

748
00:53:49.560 --> 00:53:52.720
expecting someone else to be healthy who isn't.

749
00:53:53.540 --> 00:53:54.820
Yeah.

750
00:53:54.820 --> 00:53:56.380
And so that doesn't mean we should stop

751
00:53:56.380 --> 00:53:57.480
trying to be healthy.

752
00:53:59.260 --> 00:54:01.260
It just means we have to keep doing our best to pray

753
00:54:01.260 --> 00:54:03.460
for God to give other people revelation, you know,

754
00:54:03.460 --> 00:54:05.140
but we need to use our voice.

755
00:54:05.140 --> 00:54:08.340
And what's interesting is through some of the stuff

756
00:54:08.340 --> 00:54:11.380
that happened because that, you know, that kind of unfolded,

757
00:54:15.060 --> 00:54:18.100
was that when I was talking to Jackie Dorman about it,

758
00:54:18.100 --> 00:54:19.700
she said, the enemy is trying to tell you

759
00:54:19.700 --> 00:54:21.340
to sit down and shut up.

760
00:54:23.260 --> 00:54:24.540
And I was like, you're so,

761
00:54:24.540 --> 00:54:26.460
cause the other stuff that kind of unfolded,

762
00:54:26.460 --> 00:54:29.220
that's what I was like, literally hearing in my spirit,

763
00:54:29.220 --> 00:54:31.100
you need to just quit trying to be an influencer

764
00:54:31.100 --> 00:54:32.020
in the church.

765
00:54:32.980 --> 00:54:35.580
That is the devil trying to get me out of here.

766
00:54:36.940 --> 00:54:41.140
And so I just feel like there's some level of that for you

767
00:54:41.140 --> 00:54:42.700
where the enemy is trying to really get you

768
00:54:42.700 --> 00:54:44.100
to kind of get out of the seat

769
00:54:44.100 --> 00:54:46.560
that you were actually destined to be in.

770
00:54:47.900 --> 00:54:50.660
That is so, that resonates so much with me

771
00:54:50.680 --> 00:54:54.080
because like just recently I've gotten a new job

772
00:54:54.080 --> 00:54:56.660
and I'm really taking a leadership role

773
00:54:56.660 --> 00:55:00.200
and I was recognized for being, you know, like an.

774
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.160
influential person, and it's so many people are coming out of the woodwork that I haven't

775
00:55:06.160 --> 00:55:11.000
talked to in several years that are just like, all of a sudden, calling me and wanting to

776
00:55:11.000 --> 00:55:13.860
know what's going on and all these things, and it's just weird.

777
00:55:13.860 --> 00:55:17.880
It's not a place that I'm used to, because I've always sort of been quiet and stayed

778
00:55:17.880 --> 00:55:22.640
in the background, and now I don't feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, but I'm not

779
00:55:22.640 --> 00:55:26.680
really sure how to handle people coming to me.

780
00:55:27.400 --> 00:55:33.160
Well, you're basically learning how to become who you were always created to be.

781
00:55:33.160 --> 00:55:36.920
I've never gotten the impression from you that you were meant to be in the background,

782
00:55:36.920 --> 00:55:37.920
Amy.

783
00:55:37.920 --> 00:55:38.920
Thank you, Bethany.

784
00:55:38.920 --> 00:55:39.920
You're welcome.

785
00:55:39.920 --> 00:55:40.920
And I mean that in a good way.

786
00:55:40.920 --> 00:55:41.920
No, I know.

787
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:42.920
I mean that in a good way.

788
00:55:42.920 --> 00:55:43.920
Yeah.

789
00:55:43.920 --> 00:55:44.920
My friends say that to me, too, and when I tell them, I just hate it.

790
00:55:44.920 --> 00:55:45.920
I hate being in the spotlight.

791
00:55:45.920 --> 00:55:46.920
I hate it.

792
00:55:46.920 --> 00:55:47.920
I hate it.

793
00:55:47.920 --> 00:55:48.920
And they're just always like, don't embrace it.

794
00:55:48.920 --> 00:55:55.120
And I'm like, I hate it.

795
00:55:55.120 --> 00:55:59.800
And I think that flows over into my dating life, because I don't like attention.

796
00:55:59.800 --> 00:56:01.280
I get really nervous.

797
00:56:01.280 --> 00:56:02.360
Yeah.

798
00:56:02.360 --> 00:56:05.520
So I'm going to encourage you.

799
00:56:05.520 --> 00:56:06.800
And I'm not saying we...

800
00:56:06.800 --> 00:56:10.080
I don't love when focus is on me.

801
00:56:10.080 --> 00:56:14.700
I can get up and preach, but standing in a room where everybody's saying all this nice

802
00:56:14.700 --> 00:56:17.600
stuff about me, you all, I don't love it.

803
00:56:17.600 --> 00:56:18.600
Yeah, exactly.

804
00:56:18.600 --> 00:56:19.600
But here's the thing.

805
00:56:19.600 --> 00:56:21.680
Do you know what God showed me?

806
00:56:21.680 --> 00:56:26.400
And God has used even this community.

807
00:56:26.400 --> 00:56:30.120
I remember, it might have even been two years ago, Sarah Crockett one night, she used to

808
00:56:30.120 --> 00:56:33.840
lead Sunday nights, and she just honored me for my birthday.

809
00:56:33.840 --> 00:56:37.540
And all of you, a bunch of people that were on were saying all this nice stuff.

810
00:56:37.540 --> 00:56:39.160
Is that hard for me sometimes?

811
00:56:39.160 --> 00:56:43.960
Yeah, because I did not learn how to receive in unhealthy ways when I grew up.

812
00:56:43.960 --> 00:56:51.420
And so receiving healthy, kind things from people is something I've had to practice doing.

813
00:56:52.160 --> 00:56:54.900
And so I would say that that's probably what's happening with you.

814
00:56:54.900 --> 00:56:58.140
I would encourage you to stop partnering with, I hate this, I hate that.

815
00:56:58.140 --> 00:57:03.700
Like even if it feels uncomfortable, you can say something like, I'm learning how to embrace

816
00:57:03.700 --> 00:57:04.700
receiving.

817
00:57:04.700 --> 00:57:05.700
Yes.

818
00:57:05.700 --> 00:57:09.020
God has really been convicting me of my thoughts.

819
00:57:09.020 --> 00:57:10.020
Yes.

820
00:57:10.020 --> 00:57:14.420
And like I said, practice writing down the things that you're actually thinking, the

821
00:57:14.420 --> 00:57:18.820
things that you're actually feeling, just so you can kind of process that out and really

822
00:57:18.820 --> 00:57:24.900
pay attention to the times where you're thinking and feeling something, but you're not saying

823
00:57:24.900 --> 00:57:26.580
it when you really know you should.

824
00:57:26.580 --> 00:57:27.580
Yeah.

825
00:57:27.580 --> 00:57:28.580
Does that make sense?

826
00:57:28.580 --> 00:57:29.900
Yes, it totally makes sense.

827
00:57:29.900 --> 00:57:33.460
I know the times when I should be and I'm not, you know.

828
00:57:33.460 --> 00:57:34.460
Yeah.

829
00:57:34.460 --> 00:57:37.900
And then, you know, don't shame yourself for it, but just, you know, agree with God that

830
00:57:37.900 --> 00:57:43.380
you're going to work on, you know, allowing him to give you the courage next time and

831
00:57:43.380 --> 00:57:46.020
the grace to speak up.

832
00:57:46.020 --> 00:57:49.580
You know, because again, even like myself, like it's not always easy to preach.

833
00:57:49.580 --> 00:57:51.300
It's not always easy to teach people.

834
00:57:51.300 --> 00:57:56.540
It's not always easy to set a healthy boundary, but God has called me to do those things.

835
00:57:56.540 --> 00:58:01.020
So it's me fulfilling what he's called me to do.

836
00:58:01.020 --> 00:58:03.020
And I feel worse when I don't.

837
00:58:03.020 --> 00:58:07.340
So yes, I've been feeling that way too.

838
00:58:07.340 --> 00:58:13.180
I mean, just him drawing me to lean on him and not worry about the things that I worry

839
00:58:13.260 --> 00:58:16.540
about and that this is a calling on my life.

840
00:58:16.540 --> 00:58:17.740
And I really believe that.

841
00:58:17.740 --> 00:58:20.700
But it's just not what I expected.

842
00:58:20.700 --> 00:58:25.380
Yeah. So let us know how this goes as you kind of practice those things and work on

843
00:58:25.380 --> 00:58:29.380
them. And we're praying for you and cheering you on.

844
00:58:29.380 --> 00:58:31.020
You're welcome. I'm going to answer.

845
00:58:31.020 --> 00:58:34.740
David asked me, would you allow her to contact you after all that?

846
00:58:34.740 --> 00:58:38.260
Well, I'm helping pastor these churches.

847
00:58:38.260 --> 00:58:42.300
So the answer is yes.

848
00:58:42.300 --> 00:58:43.780
Yes, I would allow that lady.

849
00:58:43.780 --> 00:58:48.780
Now, I set healthy boundaries with her when I sent her the email that included office

850
00:58:48.780 --> 00:58:50.060
hours, you know.

851
00:58:50.060 --> 00:58:54.620
So for you all that wonder like, OK, now she kept treating me toxically.

852
00:58:54.620 --> 00:58:58.580
I'm going to continue to put more boundaries in place if that continues.

853
00:58:58.580 --> 00:58:59.660
OK, yes.

854
00:58:59.660 --> 00:59:04.180
So we don't just let everybody who treats us bad have full access.

855
00:59:04.180 --> 00:59:06.580
Now we start setting incremental boundaries.

856
00:59:06.580 --> 00:59:10.700
If they keep blowing past that stuff, if they keep treating us bad, then we put more

857
00:59:10.700 --> 00:59:13.060
boundaries in place because we matter.

858
00:59:13.060 --> 00:59:15.940
Our needs matter and who we are matters.

859
00:59:15.940 --> 00:59:17.700
So great job on that one.

860
00:59:17.700 --> 00:59:19.460
Thank you so much for sharing, Amy.

861
00:59:19.460 --> 00:59:21.580
Christine, I would love to hear what you have to say.

862
00:59:25.300 --> 00:59:27.380
Hello, Bethany, can you hear me?

863
00:59:27.380 --> 00:59:28.700
I can. Hello.

864
00:59:28.700 --> 00:59:31.420
Oh, that's lovely.

865
00:59:31.420 --> 00:59:34.980
I can't tell you how blessed I am to be here live.

866
00:59:34.980 --> 00:59:39.020
It's three a.m. where I am.

867
00:59:39.020 --> 00:59:42.460
It's been a long time, a very long time.

868
00:59:42.460 --> 00:59:43.660
I miss everybody.

869
00:59:43.660 --> 00:59:46.580
I miss you, lovely coaches.

870
00:59:46.580 --> 00:59:51.060
I listen in every now and again, but I just wanted to say that tonight

871
00:59:52.940 --> 00:59:58.060
God literally woke me up and you need to said, you know, you need to be on this call.

872
00:59:58.420 --> 00:59:59.980
And I tried for half.

873
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.120
I had to get on this call and had terrible problems. So just wanted to let you know that I did,

874
01:00:05.120 --> 01:00:13.040
you know, log on 30 minutes after you had started. But I just wanted to, it's taking a

875
01:00:13.040 --> 01:00:19.920
lot of courage for me to actually say what I'm saying, because as a woman of God, I found myself

876
01:00:19.920 --> 01:00:28.800
having great teaching in LYS. And still, I feel that I took some wrong decisions and I made some

877
01:00:28.800 --> 01:00:36.800
wrong turns. And you said something a little while ago that spoke volumes to me. You said,

878
01:00:36.800 --> 01:00:45.520
you cannot marry potential. What are the facts? And when I look back, I've been in a

879
01:00:47.840 --> 01:00:55.280
regular long term relationship. It's been nearly a year now with the same guy. And to be honest,

880
01:00:55.280 --> 01:01:00.960
I was his saviour. I've been trying to fix him. He's been really wonderful to me.

881
01:01:02.720 --> 01:01:08.560
But I'm ashamed. I am ashamed. I feel guilty to say that I knew that when I met him,

882
01:01:09.360 --> 01:01:18.400
he wasn't yet divorced. He had been separated. And I asked him, when was the divorce going to happen?

883
01:01:18.400 --> 01:01:24.000
And he said, it's happening now. So I went on and went on with this relationship,

884
01:01:25.600 --> 01:01:32.320
working with him, enjoying being a girlfriend after 12 years of celibacy.

885
01:01:34.560 --> 01:01:43.520
And it turns out that as the months have gone on, that the divorce has been pushed back or

886
01:01:43.520 --> 01:01:50.800
something has happened. And then this week, I find out that yet again, it's going to be another

887
01:01:50.800 --> 01:01:56.160
seven months before this divorce takes place. So in actual fact, as a Christian woman,

888
01:01:57.200 --> 01:02:09.120
I'm dating a married man. He's not yet divorced. And we have, you know, put the cart before the

889
01:02:09.120 --> 01:02:16.240
horse. And it's a very, very difficult situation because there are issues there where he is now

890
01:02:16.240 --> 01:02:26.000
in contact with, I cannot say ex-wife, because she is still legally his wife. And they were married

891
01:02:26.000 --> 01:02:34.560
a very long time. And we've been together a year. And I'm now actually realising that

892
01:02:35.120 --> 01:02:41.920
I didn't pay attention to the red flags and I wasn't, I should have said no. I have said yes to

893
01:02:41.920 --> 01:02:51.200
too many things. And God cannot, cannot, categorically cannot bless a sinful situation.

894
01:02:53.120 --> 01:02:57.600
No matter how much we try to compromise or colour it,

895
01:02:57.600 --> 01:03:07.040
or colour it, he cannot. And it is particularly difficult because I have such a loving heart.

896
01:03:07.040 --> 01:03:15.040
I empathise with people. I find it so hard when people are suffering. But when I met him,

897
01:03:16.400 --> 01:03:23.280
my first reaction was this guy needs help. That's how we started dating actually.

898
01:03:24.080 --> 01:03:30.400
And he's done everything for me. You know, he, he came to the Lord, he got baptised,

899
01:03:30.400 --> 01:03:38.160
he's learning English because he's French. I live in France. He's doing so much to, you know, to

900
01:03:39.040 --> 01:03:48.720
make me happy and to, to actually make things work with me. But there are flags. And I now,

901
01:03:49.680 --> 01:03:56.800
there are red flags that I've not, I have chosen subconsciously not to pay attention

902
01:03:56.800 --> 01:04:07.360
to because I so want this to work. But you can't, it's, you know, we've just had some friends over

903
01:04:08.400 --> 01:04:15.840
today who have been in a similar situation. And obviously it was very eye opening. You know,

904
01:04:15.840 --> 01:04:24.480
they said, you need this time apart, but I cannot as a woman of God, as a somebody who aspires to be

905
01:04:24.480 --> 01:04:31.920
like the Proverbs 31 woman, I cannot say I'm a woman of God and then be dating somebody who is

906
01:04:31.920 --> 01:04:37.920
still in contact with his wife all the time and telling her that he still has feelings for her,

907
01:04:37.920 --> 01:04:46.240
even though he is in a new life with somebody else. That's particularly difficult, Bethany.

908
01:04:46.240 --> 01:04:53.360
And I'm so sorry that I've not been online with you girls for a few months. I do listen in every

909
01:04:53.360 --> 01:04:59.600
now and again. The time difference is a real thing, Christine. Yeah.

910
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.200
you know, first, let me just honor you for a minute. Okay. That was really courageous,

911
01:05:05.200 --> 01:05:09.760
what you just shared with all of us. And I just want you to know that we've all made mistakes,

912
01:05:09.760 --> 01:05:14.720
myself included. You know, I tell you guys over and over six years I spent with the girl's dad.

913
01:05:16.400 --> 01:05:21.280
Now he wasn't married, but like he was dating all kinds of other people. And so,

914
01:05:23.840 --> 01:05:28.560
you know, I think the biggest thing, Christine, that I can say is getting to the root of

915
01:05:30.160 --> 01:05:36.240
for me, what I had to do, and I think this will help you is why did I not really think I was

916
01:05:36.240 --> 01:05:44.400
valuable enough to move beyond that relationship to someone who actually had the ability to commit

917
01:05:44.400 --> 01:05:50.960
to me, who walked in the fruits of the spirit, who loved me, you know, and people can do kind

918
01:05:50.960 --> 01:05:55.280
things. But let me say something else for all the people on here. This is really important. Okay.

919
01:05:56.240 --> 01:06:02.960
Now, I think it's wonderful that that man came to the Lord. He got baptized. That's amazing.

920
01:06:03.760 --> 01:06:06.240
But people should not make those decisions for us.

921
01:06:06.960 --> 01:06:07.920
That's right.

922
01:06:07.920 --> 01:06:13.360
They should make those decisions because God is working in their heart. And here's where we get

923
01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:20.720
tripped up. And I'm not saying God doesn't use us because he does. Okay. Do I believe 100% that God

924
01:06:21.520 --> 01:06:25.520
used me and my spiritual daughter's dad's life? I totally do.

925
01:06:27.280 --> 01:06:32.240
But I do not think for one second that God wanted me to go through all that torture.

926
01:06:35.360 --> 01:06:40.320
But for some reason, my giver, my giver, give, give, give, give, give,

927
01:06:40.320 --> 01:06:44.160
kind of like you. I'm an empath. I feel deeply when someone's hurting.

928
01:06:44.880 --> 01:06:50.080
He would he would cry when I would catch like, when I would catch him cheating and all this stuff.

929
01:06:50.080 --> 01:06:56.400
He would cry and cry and cry. And then I would feel so bad. Finally, the last time he saw you,

930
01:06:56.400 --> 01:06:59.120
I'm not kidding. I'm not making fun of him. He sobbed like a baby.

931
01:07:00.800 --> 01:07:05.440
Swore up and down, he would never do it again. I just said, No, I'm not doing this again.

932
01:07:05.440 --> 01:07:10.960
We've been here too many times. I'm not falling for that again. But see, it took me

933
01:07:11.680 --> 01:07:19.440
realizing how I got there was understanding that I had value. And that was not that was not God's

934
01:07:19.440 --> 01:07:26.880
plan for me to be abused and mistreated and put put behind, you know, for a man to tell his ex

935
01:07:26.880 --> 01:07:31.840
that he still has feelings for her. Man, that's just not I mean, God wants so much more for you.

936
01:07:32.720 --> 01:07:39.120
Yes. Yeah. And so but you know, here's the thing. Nobody could help me get there.

937
01:07:41.680 --> 01:07:48.720
I had to choose to get there. And at the end of the day, that is what changed everything. It was

938
01:07:48.720 --> 01:07:54.720
God speaking to me, he was speaking to me for six years. But what changed is I made a decision.

939
01:07:56.320 --> 01:08:01.360
I am not going to put up with this anymore. I am worth more than this.

940
01:08:01.360 --> 01:08:07.680
Yes, that's where I'm at right now. Thank you for sharing that. And also a few weeks ago,

941
01:08:08.640 --> 01:08:17.600
Jackie shared on one of the Supernatural Saturdays. Her topic was, I just want something.

942
01:08:18.160 --> 01:08:24.640
And that keeps coming back in my mind. I didn't realize to one at what point this is me.

943
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:31.520
Are you settling for second best? Yeah, because you've been on your own for so many years. And

944
01:08:31.520 --> 01:08:39.040
finally, you have met somebody that thinks the world of you, that, you know, is that, you know,

945
01:08:39.040 --> 01:08:46.160
that you've that you're finally going to be a couple, a part of a relationship. And it's such a

946
01:08:47.200 --> 01:08:56.080
wonderful feeling to feel accepted and valued and treated by a man when you've been on your own for

947
01:08:56.080 --> 01:09:04.160
so many years. And Jackie said, but, you know, are you settling for second best because you just

948
01:09:04.160 --> 01:09:12.000
want something? It's not what you were after. You wrote, you did your Jesus Cares board, you wrote

949
01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:18.000
the things that you were asking God for. But when you look at that list, even though we're not,

950
01:09:18.000 --> 01:09:24.399
you know, we're not looking to have shopping lists before the Lord, but God wants to know our heart.

951
01:09:24.399 --> 01:09:30.080
And there is nothing too difficult for him. So when you look at your list, how far away have you

952
01:09:30.640 --> 01:09:38.560
gone? How far have you gone away from your list? Just because you needed to fill that void to

953
01:09:39.359 --> 01:09:46.160
fill that gap. And I realized that that's me. That's what's happened to me.

954
01:09:46.960 --> 01:09:51.680
Yeah. And let's get back to you guys on this. I want to pull something out that she's saying here

955
01:09:51.760 --> 01:09:58.320
out of what I hear is, where is it at the need to feel needed? You know, that, that, yeah,

956
01:09:58.320 --> 01:09:59.920
the fixer, you know, that savior.

957
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.080
here. That is what deep in us, you know, we people needed us so

958
01:10:04.080 --> 01:10:07.140
much growing up for some of us. I'm not saying that's Christine

959
01:10:07.140 --> 01:10:12.120
story, but we grew up, everybody needed us everybody like, and so

960
01:10:12.120 --> 01:10:16.080
we don't know how to turn that off. So we attract these people

961
01:10:16.080 --> 01:10:18.760
who need to be rescued, who need to be like I said earlier,

962
01:10:18.880 --> 01:10:23.000
helped along in some kind of way. Yes. But the reality is,

963
01:10:23.520 --> 01:10:28.400
yes, is we also believe that if we part ways with this person,

964
01:10:28.560 --> 01:10:32.000
there's some level where we do not believe God's actually going

965
01:10:32.000 --> 01:10:36.280
to bring us something better. Hmm. That's why we're so afraid

966
01:10:36.280 --> 01:10:43.800
to let it go. Wow. Wow. Hmm. You know, because you said I've

967
01:10:43.800 --> 01:10:46.640
been I've been alone for so long, it feels good to be be

968
01:10:46.640 --> 01:10:51.160
with someone and I understand that I do. But this man does not

969
01:10:51.160 --> 01:10:54.680
have the capacity or even the capability to become your

970
01:10:54.680 --> 01:10:58.240
husband right now. No, he still has feelings for this other

971
01:10:58.240 --> 01:11:01.760
person. I mean, God wants you to be with someone who has no

972
01:11:01.760 --> 01:11:06.720
ties to anybody, and go all in with you and he has that for

973
01:11:06.720 --> 01:11:12.840
you. But again, like, it's about you choosing. Like, okay, like,

974
01:11:12.880 --> 01:11:17.720
I'm gonna, I'm gonna release this. And trust that my good

975
01:11:17.720 --> 01:11:22.640
father. Yes, is going to leave me someone even better than

976
01:11:22.640 --> 01:11:24.880
this. Because if you've experienced good stuff in this,

977
01:11:24.880 --> 01:11:31.160
imagine what a guy unentangled. Yes, is going to be able to

978
01:11:31.160 --> 01:11:37.720
bring to your life. Yes. Yeah. Yes. In order to, like, we've

979
01:11:37.720 --> 01:11:40.480
got to release the stuff that doesn't belong to stuff that's

980
01:11:40.480 --> 01:11:47.360
not healthy. Yes. Because this man is actually blocking your

981
01:11:47.360 --> 01:11:56.400
spirit mate right now. Yeah. Yeah, this is Yes. This is good

982
01:11:56.400 --> 01:11:59.880
stuff. And I pray and hope that you'll come into the groups, you

983
01:11:59.880 --> 01:12:03.880
know, whether it's the Facebook group, or, you know, the app, I

984
01:12:03.880 --> 01:12:08.360
will tell you, it is easier for us to respond to you. Still

985
01:12:08.360 --> 01:12:12.240
replying to put stuff in the app, but it is easier for us to

986
01:12:12.240 --> 01:12:15.520
respond to you all in the Facebook page. But you know,

987
01:12:16.440 --> 01:12:18.720
come in and let us know how you're doing. Please let us

988
01:12:18.720 --> 01:12:22.400
track with you on this. Don't be ashamed. We love you. We're

989
01:12:22.400 --> 01:12:24.920
cheering for you. I want God's best for you. And I know all

990
01:12:24.920 --> 01:12:29.240
your brothers and sisters here do too. And so many people are

991
01:12:29.240 --> 01:12:31.800
learning from what you shared. So I want you to receive that

992
01:12:31.800 --> 01:12:36.000
tonight to Christine and so thank you not to pour too much

993
01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:39.800
into that neater that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do want you to see

994
01:12:39.800 --> 01:12:42.920
that your story is powerful and God is going to help you be set

995
01:12:42.920 --> 01:12:47.160
free. But again, it's choosing to partner with him in taking

996
01:12:47.160 --> 01:12:51.600
the hard steps right now. Now I will tell you, it was painful

997
01:12:51.640 --> 01:12:56.600
when I broke up with their dad. It hurt. It was very hard. And

998
01:12:56.600 --> 01:12:59.280
in you all I would be on heartwork sessions, and he would

999
01:12:59.280 --> 01:13:03.640
be texting me. I didn't tell him I was on that stuff. But it was

1000
01:13:03.640 --> 01:13:06.920
literally almost every time I would be on stuff. He it was

1001
01:13:06.920 --> 01:13:10.240
like, you know, where those soul ties and even emotional soul

1002
01:13:10.240 --> 01:13:14.160
ties and all that stuff is bonded. They kind of like get

1003
01:13:14.160 --> 01:13:18.320
drawn to us as we're starting to break away from that. So just

1004
01:13:18.320 --> 01:13:22.040
know and I'm not trying to scare you, but it's gonna hurt. It is.

1005
01:13:22.280 --> 01:13:26.080
But I will tell you, you know what, it wasn't long before that

1006
01:13:26.080 --> 01:13:31.000
quit hurting, because I started experiencing so much freedom

1007
01:13:31.360 --> 01:13:34.400
that I was kind of like, Whoa, why did I wait so long for this?

1008
01:13:34.840 --> 01:13:35.520
Yes.

1009
01:13:36.880 --> 01:13:41.240
So that will come for you too. And we're going to be praying

1010
01:13:41.240 --> 01:13:45.840
for you. Thank you. Yeah. So keep us posted. Okay. I will do

1011
01:13:45.840 --> 01:13:50.240
Bethany. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Thank you.

1012
01:13:51.040 --> 01:13:53.040
You're welcome. Gwen, go ahead.

1013
01:13:54.280 --> 01:13:59.640
Hi, um, I just wanted to talk about the two personalities that

1014
01:13:59.640 --> 01:14:05.280
I tend to fall into fixer or invisible. It's like the either

1015
01:14:05.280 --> 01:14:09.800
one. I'm trying to find out, like who I am. But I've gotten

1016
01:14:09.800 --> 01:14:13.240
on so much healing and I'm walking happier. And I'm a lot

1017
01:14:13.240 --> 01:14:18.760
happier getting offline because I kept seeing a lot of injured

1018
01:14:18.760 --> 01:14:24.000
men that had no space for me. So it was kind of like a test. I

1019
01:14:24.000 --> 01:14:27.480
guess I don't know learning, learning to see it and learning

1020
01:14:27.480 --> 01:14:31.120
to say no and goodbye quickly. So that was there's there was a

1021
01:14:31.120 --> 01:14:34.120
lot of good but it's very exhausting. So I'm I'm love

1022
01:14:34.120 --> 01:14:39.240
taking a break and not doing any of that right now. And just but

1023
01:14:39.280 --> 01:14:44.600
my problem is, I've been a fixer for so long. And because that is

1024
01:14:44.600 --> 01:14:48.760
the way I would get a connection with people. And then when it

1025
01:14:48.760 --> 01:14:52.320
was too much or exhausting and overwhelming, I would just be

1026
01:14:52.320 --> 01:14:56.480
invisible and just check out and run avoidant and leave. So

1027
01:14:57.440 --> 01:15:00.000
yeah, and so the fixer path has

1028
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.680
been worn. So like I know how to do that. And I just so over it

1029
01:15:04.680 --> 01:15:08.400
and tired and I'm retired now and I want to make time for me.

1030
01:15:08.400 --> 01:15:12.240
I even got a call a text while we're here. And a gal was like

1031
01:15:12.240 --> 01:15:16.520
come do art for every all the women at our church and do this

1032
01:15:16.520 --> 01:15:20.200
and and it's really far away and I can't even afford the gas to

1033
01:15:20.200 --> 01:15:27.440
go there. And so I anyway, what I want to say is I'm kind of

1034
01:15:27.440 --> 01:15:31.080
running from a lot of people that want to be fixed because

1035
01:15:31.080 --> 01:15:36.480
I've attracted it for so long. And I even get it confused like

1036
01:15:36.500 --> 01:15:40.680
as it's my ministry, because I was in Heidi Baker ministry for

1037
01:15:40.680 --> 01:15:45.520
a bit. And Iris and it's like stop for the one so that got

1038
01:15:45.520 --> 01:15:49.040
confusing in my head, like a fixer is like stop for the one

1039
01:15:49.040 --> 01:15:52.560
type of person, which is biblical. So I'm like that just

1040
01:15:52.560 --> 01:15:59.800
made me just just be more invisible, like, or just, I

1041
01:15:59.800 --> 01:16:02.760
couldn't find myself, because I would be that and that would be

1042
01:16:02.760 --> 01:16:05.720
overwhelming. And then I want to just be invisible and just leave

1043
01:16:05.720 --> 01:16:10.280
me alone. So I don't know, I want to know what the path is.

1044
01:16:10.440 --> 01:16:14.720
I'm making time for myself and say no a lot. In fact, on that

1045
01:16:14.720 --> 01:16:18.480
text, I said, No, I can't really do that right now. I'm making

1046
01:16:18.480 --> 01:16:22.040
time for myself. So I'm like, but just even saying those words

1047
01:16:22.040 --> 01:16:25.720
right now, made me my whole body, like freak out and my

1048
01:16:25.720 --> 01:16:30.360
stomach hurt. And like, that's like, I could tell it's so new

1049
01:16:30.360 --> 01:16:34.960
to do that. So um, and I don't want to attract people anymore

1050
01:16:34.960 --> 01:16:39.160
to fix them or help them. I want to just be me. Like when Juanita

1051
01:16:39.180 --> 01:16:42.840
she's here, she came and we had the afternoon together and it

1052
01:16:42.840 --> 01:16:47.680
felt so healthy and so rewarding and just so good, you know,

1053
01:16:47.720 --> 01:16:51.400
because we're on the same page. And one other thing is a lot of

1054
01:16:51.400 --> 01:16:55.840
my really good friends over the last 35 years are married. And

1055
01:16:55.840 --> 01:17:03.760
so they, they don't have a lot of time for me. So and because

1056
01:17:03.760 --> 01:17:10.120
I'm a third wheel, and, and that just makes me feel sad and left

1057
01:17:10.120 --> 01:17:13.820
out and because there's so many great things going on. But you

1058
01:17:13.820 --> 01:17:16.960
have to be married or in a relationship to go do that with

1059
01:17:16.960 --> 01:17:23.840
these people. So um, it's like, okay, how do I walk this single

1060
01:17:23.840 --> 01:17:28.880
life without being a fixer or out disappearing?

1061
01:17:29.520 --> 01:17:34.400
Yeah. So many good questions and everything that you shared when

1062
01:17:34.660 --> 01:17:39.960
way to go on practicing saying no. Can we just acknowledge

1063
01:17:39.960 --> 01:17:43.200
that like you did it? It might not feel good right now. I will

1064
01:17:43.200 --> 01:17:48.280
say, you know, there's some level of I think, guilt in your

1065
01:17:48.280 --> 01:17:51.720
spirit when you say no, but that's not from God that is from

1066
01:17:51.720 --> 01:17:55.280
the enemy. And I love that you're starting to acknowledge

1067
01:17:55.280 --> 01:18:00.520
and be aware of that. Basically, you were getting confused that

1068
01:18:00.520 --> 01:18:05.280
it was your ministry to help all these people. So I think even

1069
01:18:05.280 --> 01:18:07.240
though you're asking one question, I think I'm going to

1070
01:18:07.240 --> 01:18:14.920
answer that part first. Because here's the thing. God does ask

1071
01:18:14.920 --> 01:18:19.280
us to stop for the one. But I even said this to my husband the

1072
01:18:19.280 --> 01:18:22.240
other night, you know, these people that were doing some

1073
01:18:22.240 --> 01:18:24.880
unhealthy things in the church, we went last night and saw

1074
01:18:24.880 --> 01:18:30.760
several of them. And I can be processing and upset about some

1075
01:18:30.760 --> 01:18:34.720
of that stuff at home with my husband in a safe place. But

1076
01:18:34.720 --> 01:18:38.160
when I go and I'm at the church, my ministry hat is on. So

1077
01:18:38.160 --> 01:18:41.720
I'm not being a fake person, but I can go and I can I can love

1078
01:18:41.720 --> 01:18:45.600
them in the Lord. I have healthy boundaries, you know, and I can

1079
01:18:45.600 --> 01:18:48.880
just do what I'm called to do. That doesn't mean I'm going to

1080
01:18:48.880 --> 01:18:50.960
let them all the way into my heart and tell them my deep,

1081
01:18:50.960 --> 01:18:54.800
dark secrets, you know, and so I think there's a difference. It

1082
01:18:54.800 --> 01:18:59.240
doesn't mean that we can't stop and help someone. But sometimes

1083
01:18:59.320 --> 01:19:05.240
God might lead us to someone to send them to someone else. We're

1084
01:19:05.240 --> 01:19:08.360
not always called to give them everything that they need,

1085
01:19:08.400 --> 01:19:11.480
right? Because some people I meet, like I have a friend,

1086
01:19:11.600 --> 01:19:15.440
super sad, she lost her son, he was 16 years old several years

1087
01:19:15.440 --> 01:19:19.600
ago. I can resonate with her on some level, but I have not been

1088
01:19:19.600 --> 01:19:23.800
through that. So you want to know what I did? I connected her

1089
01:19:23.800 --> 01:19:28.000
with another person that I know did. That's not me saying I

1090
01:19:28.000 --> 01:19:31.520
can't help someone or that I don't want to. It's me saying, I

1091
01:19:31.520 --> 01:19:34.440
can help her to some level. But there's some other people that

1092
01:19:34.440 --> 01:19:37.080
have actually walked that and I think they're going to be able

1093
01:19:37.080 --> 01:19:43.040
to really help her in ways that I cannot. Now some of us we feel

1094
01:19:43.040 --> 01:19:46.320
like we've got to be this, like we got to solve everything. We

1095
01:19:46.320 --> 01:19:48.760
got to help them, like you said, like, you know, like I said

1096
01:19:48.760 --> 01:19:51.720
earlier, pick them up, fix their life, fix all their bandages,

1097
01:19:51.760 --> 01:19:56.720
you know, all of it. And I kind of get that impression a little

1098
01:19:56.720 --> 01:19:59.280
bit that that that's kind of where you got hung up with

1099
01:19:59.280 --> 01:19:59.800
people.

1100
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.000
excuse me, guys, because you're trying to help people that,

1101
01:20:05.180 --> 01:20:06.600
what I'm even hearing in my spirit,

1102
01:20:06.600 --> 01:20:08.280
so many of us help people

1103
01:20:08.280 --> 01:20:10.860
that don't even want to help themselves.

1104
01:20:12.160 --> 01:20:13.020
Yeah.

1105
01:20:13.020 --> 01:20:16.620
And if you come across people, this is the truth, okay?

1106
01:20:16.620 --> 01:20:19.420
I've done ministry a long time, you all.

1107
01:20:20.220 --> 01:20:22.420
We have it even in the program.

1108
01:20:22.420 --> 01:20:23.460
People come in,

1109
01:20:23.460 --> 01:20:26.540
but then they don't want to receive the coaching.

1110
01:20:26.540 --> 01:20:29.660
Now, all we can do is do our best to coach

1111
01:20:29.700 --> 01:20:31.460
or to share something,

1112
01:20:31.460 --> 01:20:32.860
but you can't help someone

1113
01:20:32.860 --> 01:20:35.500
that doesn't want to help themselves.

1114
01:20:35.500 --> 01:20:38.420
For some of you, you know, you kind of,

1115
01:20:38.420 --> 01:20:40.620
the enemy has put you in this place,

1116
01:20:40.620 --> 01:20:43.660
which is like what Gwen was talking about,

1117
01:20:43.660 --> 01:20:46.540
that you kind of believe your person is your ministry.

1118
01:20:49.820 --> 01:20:53.700
Now, does God call me to minister to my husband?

1119
01:20:53.700 --> 01:20:55.060
Yeah, he does.

1120
01:20:55.060 --> 01:20:57.480
And he calls my husband and minister to me,

1121
01:20:57.480 --> 01:21:00.560
but he doesn't call me to fix my husband,

1122
01:21:00.560 --> 01:21:05.240
to get him healthy enough to be with me, you know?

1123
01:21:05.240 --> 01:21:09.360
And so there's a difference of what we're looking for,

1124
01:21:09.360 --> 01:21:11.080
of what we believe we deserve.

1125
01:21:11.080 --> 01:21:15.020
And I think for you, part of what's still getting reprogrammed

1126
01:21:15.020 --> 01:21:19.720
is what you actually believe you're worthy of, you know?

1127
01:21:19.720 --> 01:21:23.000
And you're worthy of people who see you,

1128
01:21:23.000 --> 01:21:24.660
who love all of you,

1129
01:21:24.660 --> 01:21:26.220
even the parts that, you know,

1130
01:21:26.220 --> 01:21:28.720
maybe you had some hard things in your life,

1131
01:21:29.660 --> 01:21:33.540
where they embrace you and don't hold you at an arm's length

1132
01:21:33.540 --> 01:21:35.840
because they don't have time for you.

1133
01:21:36.860 --> 01:21:38.620
Because interestingly enough, as you were sharing,

1134
01:21:38.620 --> 01:21:40.740
you were sharing how, you know, with your married friends,

1135
01:21:40.740 --> 01:21:41.900
and that is hard.

1136
01:21:41.900 --> 01:21:44.200
That's a hard place when a lot of your friends are married

1137
01:21:44.200 --> 01:21:46.300
and you feel like you're on the outside.

1138
01:21:46.300 --> 01:21:47.720
But it was interesting

1139
01:21:47.720 --> 01:21:49.820
that that's what you started describing.

1140
01:21:51.020 --> 01:21:54.540
So part of me also wonders if part of the dynamic

1141
01:21:55.380 --> 01:21:56.620
when you're going into relationships

1142
01:21:56.620 --> 01:21:59.820
is that you're also always on the outside looking in.

1143
01:22:02.420 --> 01:22:06.220
So I want you to lean into that a little bit with the Lord,

1144
01:22:06.220 --> 01:22:11.060
because if we believe we never fit anywhere,

1145
01:22:11.060 --> 01:22:15.100
if we believe any lie that sounds anything like that,

1146
01:22:15.100 --> 01:22:19.060
then every relationship we show up in, we partner with that.

1147
01:22:20.940 --> 01:22:22.980
And if that's true inside of us,

1148
01:22:23.300 --> 01:22:25.180
here's the reality.

1149
01:22:25.180 --> 01:22:29.180
We are going to hold people at arm's length to some degree,

1150
01:22:29.180 --> 01:22:31.900
even if we feel like we're being open with them.

1151
01:22:34.260 --> 01:22:37.460
So really just pray into, okay, Lord,

1152
01:22:37.460 --> 01:22:40.180
like as in the past, Lord,

1153
01:22:40.180 --> 01:22:42.040
I was someone who struggled with fixing

1154
01:22:42.040 --> 01:22:45.060
and believing that I'm invisible, that people don't care.

1155
01:22:45.060 --> 01:22:46.720
If you tend to hear those lies,

1156
01:22:46.720 --> 01:22:49.740
anytime someone says no to you,

1157
01:22:49.740 --> 01:22:51.900
they don't really see me, they don't really care.

1158
01:22:52.180 --> 01:22:55.180
If you sent, even what's coming up in my spirit,

1159
01:22:55.180 --> 01:22:56.700
like maybe even a long time ago,

1160
01:22:56.700 --> 01:22:58.660
like you try to tell something,

1161
01:22:58.660 --> 01:23:00.860
like someone that should have taken care of you,

1162
01:23:00.860 --> 01:23:03.580
something that was really hard and they didn't protect you,

1163
01:23:03.580 --> 01:23:07.140
they didn't stand up for you, they didn't, you know,

1164
01:23:07.140 --> 01:23:09.500
I don't know, I just feel like they were not your covering

1165
01:23:09.500 --> 01:23:11.000
like they were supposed to be.

1166
01:23:12.340 --> 01:23:14.740
There still seems to be maybe something with that.

1167
01:23:14.740 --> 01:23:16.860
And I don't know if that resonates for you,

1168
01:23:16.860 --> 01:23:19.020
but just where you might need to do

1169
01:23:19.300 --> 01:23:22.240
another layer of forgiveness towards that person.

1170
01:23:23.820 --> 01:23:25.060
My dad.

1171
01:23:25.060 --> 01:23:28.500
Okay, and come out of agreement with, you know,

1172
01:23:29.940 --> 01:23:31.780
I was just completely invisible to him.

1173
01:23:31.780 --> 01:23:33.140
He just did not care.

1174
01:23:34.940 --> 01:23:38.060
And I really even just hear the Lord saying like,

1175
01:23:38.060 --> 01:23:42.340
he wants to show you that like how he was your covering

1176
01:23:42.340 --> 01:23:43.920
in all of that.

1177
01:23:43.920 --> 01:23:46.280
You know, I really believe a lot you all

1178
01:23:46.320 --> 01:23:51.000
in inviting specifically Jesus to show us,

1179
01:23:51.000 --> 01:23:53.120
asking him to come in and show us the truth.

1180
01:23:53.120 --> 01:23:54.620
He's the light of the world.

1181
01:23:55.640 --> 01:23:58.920
And we need him to illuminate what we cannot see.

1182
01:23:58.920 --> 01:24:01.840
And when these wounds and these trauma happen,

1183
01:24:03.400 --> 01:24:04.700
whether it was when we were kids

1184
01:24:04.700 --> 01:24:06.680
or even as adults for some of us,

1185
01:24:06.680 --> 01:24:08.600
when that trauma's happening,

1186
01:24:08.600 --> 01:24:11.200
we revert back to old wounds from childhood

1187
01:24:11.200 --> 01:24:13.560
that link to them subconsciously.

1188
01:24:13.560 --> 01:24:16.400
And so those old dialogues that are not healed yet

1189
01:24:16.400 --> 01:24:18.640
are still informing our current situation

1190
01:24:18.640 --> 01:24:21.560
so many of the, like so many times.

1191
01:24:21.560 --> 01:24:25.320
And so if we can ask Jesus to come into the situation

1192
01:24:25.320 --> 01:24:26.640
back then,

1193
01:24:28.280 --> 01:24:30.200
Jesus, show me where you were at

1194
01:24:30.200 --> 01:24:33.160
when I believed the lie that my dad was not my protector,

1195
01:24:33.160 --> 01:24:35.320
that my dad didn't cover me, that he didn't see me,

1196
01:24:35.320 --> 01:24:37.480
whatever that was for you.

1197
01:24:38.360 --> 01:24:40.000
Jesus, show me where you were at.

1198
01:24:40.000 --> 01:24:42.840
Jesus, show me what were you saying to me?

1199
01:24:43.640 --> 01:24:46.040
And just see what he reveals to you.

1200
01:24:46.040 --> 01:24:47.200
It can be very powerful.

1201
01:24:47.200 --> 01:24:49.520
And sometimes it comes right away, you all.

1202
01:24:49.520 --> 01:24:51.520
Like sometimes for some people, it'll come quick.

1203
01:24:51.520 --> 01:24:53.920
Some people, it might be weeks and months.

1204
01:24:53.920 --> 01:24:55.640
Don't get frustrated with the process

1205
01:24:55.640 --> 01:24:57.300
because there might be a reason.

1206
01:24:57.300 --> 01:24:59.720
It's not that he's not talking to you.

1207
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.060
It's not that you're doing something wrong, that's causing

1208
01:25:03.060 --> 01:25:06.580
you to not hear him. But you all there might be other steps of

1209
01:25:06.580 --> 01:25:10.460
healing that need to happen before you're able to receive

1210
01:25:10.460 --> 01:25:11.700
that truthfully.

1211
01:25:13.540 --> 01:25:17.580
Yeah, he just showed me a bike because I used to have to ride

1212
01:25:17.580 --> 01:25:24.660
my bike and at night home from junior high in a really bad

1213
01:25:24.660 --> 01:25:27.960
neighborhood. So it was super safe, unsafe, and I was always

1214
01:25:27.960 --> 01:25:32.520
freezing. And it took like an hour and my dad never picked me

1215
01:25:32.520 --> 01:25:36.600
up. And when he said he would, he wouldn't. So that happened

1216
01:25:36.600 --> 01:25:40.280
through my whole childhood. And I only had one parent him. So

1217
01:25:40.800 --> 01:25:44.920
there's a lot. And I've done a lot of work, you know, and got

1218
01:25:44.920 --> 01:25:50.240
a show. Yeah. But he did just he just brought up the bike. I'm

1219
01:25:50.240 --> 01:25:53.120
like, Oh, yeah, that's another thing.

1220
01:25:53.640 --> 01:25:56.880
Yeah, I feel like and I don't want to speak too far into it.

1221
01:25:56.880 --> 01:25:59.200
But I really do feel like Jesus is going to show you right where

1222
01:25:59.200 --> 01:26:03.000
he was, even even on it might be multiple times you were riding

1223
01:26:03.000 --> 01:26:05.920
home, but I feel like there's even one specific time that was

1224
01:26:05.920 --> 01:26:09.200
really going to be impactful for you. This is why this stuff

1225
01:26:09.200 --> 01:26:13.160
matters you all when we just slow down a little bit. You

1226
01:26:13.160 --> 01:26:16.560
know, I know Gwen's done a ton of work. I've seen her do the

1227
01:26:16.560 --> 01:26:18.640
work since she's been here. And she probably did work before she

1228
01:26:18.640 --> 01:26:21.400
came here. I've done a ton of work I even after I've been

1229
01:26:21.400 --> 01:26:25.880
married, you all stuff comes up. God loves us so much that he's

1230
01:26:25.880 --> 01:26:28.760
trying to lead us to that deeper level of freedom. And

1231
01:26:28.760 --> 01:26:32.360
sometimes it just takes time. It doesn't mean we're not doing a

1232
01:26:32.360 --> 01:26:35.600
good job. It doesn't mean we're not trying. It just means that,

1233
01:26:36.000 --> 01:26:40.640
you know, we only have so much capacity to receive in each

1234
01:26:40.640 --> 01:26:48.240
season. Okay, and each piece matters. So the stuff that

1235
01:26:48.240 --> 01:26:52.720
you've done before led you to this place tonight. Right? Each

1236
01:26:52.720 --> 01:26:57.080
step, right? Each step matters. Yeah. So let us know as you pray

1237
01:26:57.080 --> 01:27:01.160
into that I would love to hear. And again, even if it's weeks

1238
01:27:01.160 --> 01:27:05.000
out or whenever whenever God gives you that revelation and

1239
01:27:05.000 --> 01:27:08.280
what is that helping you and sometimes you all when stuff

1240
01:27:08.280 --> 01:27:11.360
gets revealed, I'm just going to put it out there. Sometimes we

1241
01:27:11.360 --> 01:27:15.120
actually get we might feel anger. We might feel other

1242
01:27:15.120 --> 01:27:17.720
things that we need to process and that's you know, don't

1243
01:27:17.720 --> 01:27:20.320
discount that stuff and don't get frustrated with yourself.

1244
01:27:20.720 --> 01:27:23.400
Really come into the group and we'll help you process that

1245
01:27:23.400 --> 01:27:25.960
stuff out. Yeah,

1246
01:27:26.400 --> 01:27:29.520
it feels like a disappointment is the same feeling as a

1247
01:27:29.520 --> 01:27:34.280
disappointment with all the men I've met. It feels similar that

1248
01:27:34.280 --> 01:27:34.720
same

1249
01:27:34.880 --> 01:27:39.920
Yeah, they probably built on that. And you know, to me,

1250
01:27:39.920 --> 01:27:44.960
there's a real deep wound of abandonment there. And you know,

1251
01:27:45.160 --> 01:27:50.040
I just feel like God wants to lovingly kind of touch that that

1252
01:27:50.040 --> 01:27:54.360
place again in this season and bring just where there's like,

1253
01:27:54.480 --> 01:27:57.240
what I'm hearing my spirit is like a reverb, like in a good

1254
01:27:57.240 --> 01:28:01.520
sense, like, a reverb kind of is like he touches it, or there's a

1255
01:28:01.520 --> 01:28:03.800
sound that happens. And then it creates that, you know,

1256
01:28:03.800 --> 01:28:07.560
continual sound, if you will. And so I just think that this is

1257
01:28:07.560 --> 01:28:11.800
going to bring some continual flows of healing that you've

1258
01:28:11.800 --> 01:28:14.920
been crying out for for a long time. I really do.

1259
01:28:15.760 --> 01:28:19.960
Awesome. He loves you so much. He does. He does. He does. I know

1260
01:28:19.960 --> 01:28:23.760
it's 928. But I'm gonna have Felicia go and Brandon before we

1261
01:28:23.760 --> 01:28:26.560
close tonight, I won't be able to take anybody else after them.

1262
01:28:26.880 --> 01:28:29.520
Y'all, I think we're probably gonna need more sessions, even

1263
01:28:29.520 --> 01:28:33.120
just talking and unpacking what we started tonight. So I'll talk

1264
01:28:33.120 --> 01:28:35.560
to Jackie about that. At least that's how I'm feeling tonight.

1265
01:28:36.040 --> 01:28:40.560
And you guys, maybe that didn't raise your hands yet. It's

1266
01:28:40.560 --> 01:28:44.320
totally okay. And but I feel like this is going to be

1267
01:28:44.320 --> 01:28:47.200
something we could work on even in the next advanced heartwork.

1268
01:28:47.320 --> 01:28:50.680
So maybe just come pray, pray into that for us. Because if

1269
01:28:50.680 --> 01:28:53.160
that is where God is leading, we want to just listen to that.

1270
01:28:53.200 --> 01:28:55.360
Okay. Felicia, go ahead.

1271
01:28:56.240 --> 01:28:58.320
Hi, Bethany. So nice to see you.

1272
01:29:00.960 --> 01:29:04.840
Where do I start? So Brian and I, for eight months, we've been

1273
01:29:05.800 --> 01:29:08.400
I try to follow the program as best as possible. There's little

1274
01:29:08.400 --> 01:29:10.720
things I do a little earlier than they should, because I

1275
01:29:10.720 --> 01:29:15.280
trusted the process, it was going very well, we, I'm so

1276
01:29:15.280 --> 01:29:18.400
grateful for the program, because it takes me into a lot

1277
01:29:18.400 --> 01:29:23.000
of place that I wouldn't know where to go. But the way we walk

1278
01:29:23.000 --> 01:29:25.920
through the relationship in the connection stage, discovery

1279
01:29:25.920 --> 01:29:30.720
stage, and then we went into the exclusive stage. And then we

1280
01:29:30.720 --> 01:29:34.520
went into the six to seven months where we really started

1281
01:29:35.000 --> 01:29:37.200
getting to the point where we started talking about how we

1282
01:29:37.200 --> 01:29:44.640
spend money, you know, where can we live? Really solid stuff

1283
01:29:44.640 --> 01:29:48.520
to see if this is what we want to do. And he's a great guy. And

1284
01:29:48.520 --> 01:29:54.720
he showed up consistently. I mean, my friend said, when he

1285
01:29:54.720 --> 01:29:59.800
told me last weekend, we had a little talk, he plays games. And

1286
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:06.880
I do try to understand it because I met him with it, but he does take time to spend with

1287
01:30:06.880 --> 01:30:07.880
me.

1288
01:30:07.880 --> 01:30:09.340
He's always present emotionally.

1289
01:30:09.340 --> 01:30:13.320
The only one that he plays is the one on the phone.

1290
01:30:13.320 --> 01:30:21.000
He got to a point in this eight month where he said, he don't know why I allow it to distract

1291
01:30:21.000 --> 01:30:23.720
me while I'm talking to him.

1292
01:30:23.720 --> 01:30:32.040
He said, I can talk to him and he can hear me and I shouldn't let it distract me or let

1293
01:30:32.040 --> 01:30:36.940
it distract the great time we can have while we're together.

1294
01:30:36.940 --> 01:30:42.640
And I just can't understand why I should do that, why I should, even though we understand

1295
01:30:42.640 --> 01:30:48.760
everything about each other, but we got to this point and he's, he's, he doesn't express

1296
01:30:48.760 --> 01:30:49.800
himself a lot.

1297
01:30:49.800 --> 01:30:55.600
And he did say he was not someone who communicate very well in that area.

1298
01:30:55.600 --> 01:30:59.640
He's very intelligent, but he doesn't express himself when something bothers him.

1299
01:30:59.640 --> 01:31:04.640
So I don't know when something bothers him or not, because he's very adaptable, change

1300
01:31:04.640 --> 01:31:10.880
quickly, ready to just work things out by us talking about it.

1301
01:31:10.880 --> 01:31:15.000
I'm not going to say I don't see a little frustration here and there when we talk about

1302
01:31:15.000 --> 01:31:17.560
things, but it's something that we just talk through it.

1303
01:31:17.560 --> 01:31:18.960
We're so good at doing that.

1304
01:31:18.960 --> 01:31:24.680
But last week we had that talk on Mondays when we set our health day, I call it, both

1305
01:31:24.680 --> 01:31:30.880
of us call it where we work out and we eat dinner together and he started playing the

1306
01:31:30.880 --> 01:31:32.680
game before I finished eating dinner.

1307
01:31:32.680 --> 01:31:36.960
I just wanted to talk to him about something at that moment.

1308
01:31:36.960 --> 01:31:40.760
And I could see he was very frustrated, didn't express it.

1309
01:31:40.760 --> 01:31:48.120
And then Saturday we didn't communicate very well about our date night and he just look

1310
01:31:48.120 --> 01:31:51.600
at me and said, I think we're going to end this.

1311
01:31:51.600 --> 01:31:58.200
And it really just this, I was surprised the way he said it to me is not what he said is

1312
01:31:58.200 --> 01:31:59.840
the way he did it.

1313
01:31:59.840 --> 01:32:04.560
It just turned cold from that very day.

1314
01:32:04.600 --> 01:32:10.400
It surprised me how someone can be so great and then they turn cold in an instant.

1315
01:32:11.480 --> 01:32:14.160
Did you see, did you see Jackie?

1316
01:32:14.160 --> 01:32:20.440
I want to say it might have been yesterday, Jackie's Instagram, she had this video of

1317
01:32:20.440 --> 01:32:25.880
this woman that this guy was talking and it's kind of like portrays it like something good

1318
01:32:25.880 --> 01:32:26.760
is going to happen.

1319
01:32:26.760 --> 01:32:30.920
And then all of a sudden it actually went in the opposite direction.

1320
01:32:30.920 --> 01:32:34.280
And Jackie was talking like basically, guys, tell me what's up with this.

1321
01:32:34.600 --> 01:32:40.000
Like, why, why do we think, you know, the ladies think you're going to propose and then

1322
01:32:40.000 --> 01:32:44.760
you like go on this trip and then the last day of the trip, you break up with them.

1323
01:32:45.160 --> 01:32:47.320
And I was like, man, that is so true.

1324
01:32:47.320 --> 01:32:49.320
That happens so much.

1325
01:32:49.800 --> 01:32:53.560
And for whatever reason, Felicia, that's coming to mind as you're talking about this,

1326
01:32:53.560 --> 01:32:59.000
because you didn't expect out of nowhere, you think things are going well and then out

1327
01:32:59.000 --> 01:33:02.040
of nowhere now y'all aren't together.

1328
01:33:02.400 --> 01:33:03.880
He's ready to kind of break that.

1329
01:33:04.160 --> 01:33:08.920
So what I want to clarify and someone else asked in the chat, too, I want to make sure

1330
01:33:08.920 --> 01:33:15.160
I understand when you're on the phone and sometimes when you're together in person,

1331
01:33:15.600 --> 01:33:20.920
when you guys are on a date or spending time together, he's playing a game on his phone

1332
01:33:20.920 --> 01:33:23.120
and like while you all are doing that.

1333
01:33:24.120 --> 01:33:25.120
Yeah, he will.

1334
01:33:25.360 --> 01:33:29.080
I mean, he makes so much adjustment in it where he would not do it when we go out to

1335
01:33:29.080 --> 01:33:34.480
dinner. But if we're eating maybe like a small local place, Panera Bread, he'll go

1336
01:33:34.480 --> 01:33:38.600
for it and play a little bit until I finish eat stuff like that.

1337
01:33:38.600 --> 01:33:40.640
And when I'm on the phone with him, I guess.

1338
01:33:41.840 --> 01:33:48.480
He will, I think he's playing it, but he said he is not, he's hearing me and, you know,

1339
01:33:48.480 --> 01:33:53.040
he gave me Panera and said that it's like going to church and we see someone here and

1340
01:33:53.040 --> 01:33:55.480
we get distracted by it and miss the message.

1341
01:33:55.480 --> 01:34:03.280
And I said, I don't think that, you know, we pray about things, we're making sure that

1342
01:34:03.280 --> 01:34:07.760
we're walking, we're not trying to do relationship like the world, we're doing this as

1343
01:34:07.760 --> 01:34:12.720
an example of how, you know, we want to do this in a godly manner.

1344
01:34:12.720 --> 01:34:20.280
So I said, why should you want me to not be distracted by you playing a game?

1345
01:34:21.000 --> 01:34:23.000
And I don't know if that's what it is.

1346
01:34:23.000 --> 01:34:25.320
He just didn't express why he wanted it to end.

1347
01:34:25.720 --> 01:34:27.000
That's what bothers me.

1348
01:34:27.680 --> 01:34:29.560
I think that there probably is something else.

1349
01:34:29.560 --> 01:34:32.240
And I think that this gave him an opportunity.

1350
01:34:32.280 --> 01:34:34.120
It kind of gave him the out, if you will.

1351
01:34:34.760 --> 01:34:41.320
Um, you know, Jackie talks all the time and I can remember in the past the guys would

1352
01:34:41.320 --> 01:34:43.480
say one thing and I would believe something different.

1353
01:34:44.520 --> 01:34:48.840
Because I was always believing the best in people and I'm not saying that's a bad

1354
01:34:48.840 --> 01:34:53.360
thing, but guys really do tell us how they think and how they feel for the most part.

1355
01:34:53.520 --> 01:34:57.760
I'm not saying there's not ever any guys that don't, but if a guy says they don't

1356
01:34:57.760 --> 01:34:59.040
like something, they don't like it.

1357
01:34:59.040 --> 01:35:00.000
If they don't want to get.

1358
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.120
married. They don't want to get married. And we got to look at their actions. And it sounds like

1359
01:35:05.120 --> 01:35:10.000
he's a nice guy, but he might not be a marriage minded guy. He might not be wanting to move

1360
01:35:10.000 --> 01:35:15.600
forward and he might not know how to say it. And now you're asking him, which, you know, I could

1361
01:35:15.600 --> 01:35:21.760
see like, you know, you're finishing eating and he's just going to play a game for a few minutes.

1362
01:35:21.760 --> 01:35:27.280
I don't think that's a huge deal. But what you're saying, though, is that this is also happening

1363
01:35:27.920 --> 01:35:33.520
at other times. And you guys are only dating six to seven months. This sounds like a guy that's

1364
01:35:33.520 --> 01:35:41.280
acting like he's been with you for many, many years. Okay. Being a little too casual. And so

1365
01:35:42.320 --> 01:35:50.000
at the core, I'm going to ask you to really pray and ask the Lord to reveal if there were any other

1366
01:35:50.000 --> 01:35:57.040
flags with this guy. Okay. Because when I hear you talking, it sounds like, you know, pretty

1367
01:35:57.040 --> 01:36:04.960
great and he might be. But sometimes we're ignoring things that are bugging us, that are kind of like,

1368
01:36:05.840 --> 01:36:12.240
why did he say that? Or why did he have that reaction? And again, he could be great.

1369
01:36:12.720 --> 01:36:20.560
But I'm just wondering if there were any things that you did see before this,

1370
01:36:21.200 --> 01:36:24.640
that maybe you just didn't recognize in the moment. And if not, that's fine. But I think

1371
01:36:24.640 --> 01:36:29.360
it'd be worth asking. I think he was very adoptable. He was so adoptable, it was scary.

1372
01:36:29.360 --> 01:36:34.960
And I think he has a lot to change on his part, like the way where he goes to church. Jackie and

1373
01:36:34.960 --> 01:36:40.560
I talk about that. I don't want to go there. I don't think there's a place I want to grow.

1374
01:36:40.640 --> 01:36:47.520
And there's too much chaos happening there in his last marriage and just too much stuff. And

1375
01:36:47.520 --> 01:36:51.760
I did talk with Jackie about it and I said, no, I don't want to go there. That was in the beginning.

1376
01:36:51.760 --> 01:36:57.520
And I did ask him, I said, how do you feel about that? And he said, you know, that's okay. He's

1377
01:36:57.520 --> 01:37:02.560
just adoptable. And it was kind of scary. And I'm like, how can he just so adoptable? But anyway,

1378
01:37:02.560 --> 01:37:07.280
we continue on till eight months and he still was. But I think he got to a point where, and I'm not

1379
01:37:07.360 --> 01:37:11.600
sure, but I think this is a part of it, is that there's so much that he needs. He has to leave

1380
01:37:11.600 --> 01:37:17.360
the church because my church is a growing church. He comes to my church last month for two times

1381
01:37:17.360 --> 01:37:23.600
instead of one. And he said, he think this is a change that he's making because he decided to

1382
01:37:23.600 --> 01:37:30.480
come two Sundays instead of one. And it was going well. And there's little things like he just,

1383
01:37:30.720 --> 01:37:36.960
but he was just doesn't express them. That's the thing. I didn't want to judge what he was saying,

1384
01:37:37.520 --> 01:37:41.680
but his action, I guess, was saying it instead of his expression.

1385
01:37:42.640 --> 01:37:50.960
Yeah. I mean, his actions are telling you how he feels right now. And we're not going to,

1386
01:37:50.960 --> 01:37:58.320
we'll be careful not diagnose him. But all I know is that at the end of the day, what do you want?

1387
01:37:58.640 --> 01:38:07.120
This is where you get to look at this relationship. We're going to assume right now,

1388
01:38:07.120 --> 01:38:13.680
this was a practice round. We're going to call it that. And if something happens and God brings,

1389
01:38:13.680 --> 01:38:19.840
heals him, brings y'all back together, cool. If he's really God's best for you. But let's just

1390
01:38:19.840 --> 01:38:26.400
use this as a learning. The adaptability thing was concerning you. His church was concerning you.

1391
01:38:26.800 --> 01:38:32.240
You know, nobody like it's, it's kind of like what I was saying earlier, like men can be the chill,

1392
01:38:32.240 --> 01:38:36.640
not that he's a woman, but the chill person too, where there's going with the flow,

1393
01:38:36.640 --> 01:38:46.800
nothing bothers them, but actually things do bother them. Right. And so it's, it's about you

1394
01:38:46.800 --> 01:38:52.720
looking at what do you want? How do you want your team, you know, the teamwork of your relationship

1395
01:38:52.720 --> 01:38:57.200
in the future to be? How do you guys, how do you want to function with the person you're with?

1396
01:38:57.760 --> 01:39:03.840
And someone can be a really great guy. I dated a guy at one point he was in the program,

1397
01:39:03.840 --> 01:39:07.120
went not for a long time, but went on a couple of dates with him. He was a really nice guy.

1398
01:39:08.160 --> 01:39:13.280
He's not in our program anymore, but he's really nice guy. But y'all like, for my taste,

1399
01:39:13.280 --> 01:39:19.920
he was a little boring. And so I am very early on was like, I don't think he's a good match for me.

1400
01:39:19.920 --> 01:39:25.120
Cause like he never watched movies. Y'all, for those of you that know me, I quote movies,

1401
01:39:25.120 --> 01:39:30.320
I like, and music. And so like, even that, I was like, Oh, I don't know about this. Like,

1402
01:39:30.320 --> 01:39:35.680
I actually enjoy watching movies and God talks to me through media. So I don't know that that's

1403
01:39:35.680 --> 01:39:41.360
going to be a good fit, but I went on a couple more dates with him, which was good practice for me.

1404
01:39:42.640 --> 01:39:49.360
But when he then decided that God was telling him, we just needed to be friends. I was frustrated.

1405
01:39:50.560 --> 01:39:54.560
But then after that, I was just like, Oh, well, why am I frustrated? I actually kind of already

1406
01:39:54.560 --> 01:39:59.360
knew he wasn't a good match for me, you know? And it doesn't, you know, I'm not discounting

1407
01:39:59.360 --> 01:39:59.920
the amount of time.

1408
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:04.640
you were dating him, but like, I want you to really look at, like, were there other things

1409
01:40:04.640 --> 01:40:09.840
that you were noticing or that you felt like God was highlighting to you that you're just like,

1410
01:40:09.840 --> 01:40:15.840
as you go forward, that you're, you know, okay, I really do want someone a little more like this.

1411
01:40:16.640 --> 01:40:24.080
Yeah. You know, ladies and gentlemen, yeah, we, yeah, God is, is leading us to, um,

1412
01:40:24.080 --> 01:40:28.800
situations where we're going to learn and we're going to grow and we get to take that information

1413
01:40:28.800 --> 01:40:34.320
and hopefully that will help us, um, become stronger and healthier to know what we like

1414
01:40:34.320 --> 01:40:40.160
and what we don't like. And, um, this is about, I think you just moving forward. I know it can

1415
01:40:40.160 --> 01:40:45.200
be really tough when you don't feel like you have the answers for why someone breaks up with us or

1416
01:40:45.200 --> 01:40:49.760
whatever, but at the end of the day, um, I really would encourage you to look at this as a

1417
01:40:49.760 --> 01:40:55.200
redirection at this point and, and really just take the information, ask God to show you anything

1418
01:40:55.200 --> 01:41:01.520
that you didn't see when you were in it and just do your best to move forward. And, uh, God will

1419
01:41:01.520 --> 01:41:06.800
comfort your heart in those moments where it does feel hard. And so I do want to honor that space

1420
01:41:06.800 --> 01:41:12.240
as well in you, but, um, I'm excited actually for you. Cause I think you're, you got some really

1421
01:41:12.240 --> 01:41:17.040
important information that you needed from that. Yeah, I did got some healing too. I remember you

1422
01:41:17.040 --> 01:41:22.960
spoke to me about the little girl in me and I could see where I could be that with him. It was

1423
01:41:22.960 --> 01:41:27.680
such a great time healing through that process when you told me about be that little girl. Cause

1424
01:41:27.680 --> 01:41:33.760
I never had, never had a childhood, but I see a lot of stuff in me also shows up in relationship.

1425
01:41:33.760 --> 01:41:38.720
Like when you guys said that healing relationship, hurting relationship, healing, I see a lot of

1426
01:41:38.720 --> 01:41:45.440
healing where, you know, abandonment and rejection, but I'm so grateful I'm dealing with it so well.

1427
01:41:45.440 --> 01:41:51.440
It hurts sometimes disappointing very, cause I don't have the answer and the way we were friends,

1428
01:41:51.440 --> 01:41:56.320
I was hoping we could have at least talked through it and he just did not want to. And,

1429
01:41:56.320 --> 01:42:02.080
you know, I said, okay, it was a little cold on the end of it. And, you know, let's see,

1430
01:42:02.080 --> 01:42:06.000
but thank you so much better than me. That was great. I just walked through the process.

1431
01:42:06.720 --> 01:42:12.640
Yeah, you're welcome. And I love how you like out of what I was even saying, what you pulled out

1432
01:42:12.640 --> 01:42:18.160
is that you got to experience something in this relationship that you haven't before.

1433
01:42:18.720 --> 01:42:23.920
And what that tells me is that God is going to bring you that in the future, but he's going

1434
01:42:23.920 --> 01:42:30.480
to bring you some other stuff that you want to. Yeah. You're welcome. God bless you, Brandon.

1435
01:42:30.480 --> 01:42:37.200
Go ahead. Thanks, Bethany. I'm going to try to be articulate about this. Forgive me. If

1436
01:42:37.760 --> 01:42:43.440
I ask you something that you've already said, I've been in and out of the call today because

1437
01:42:43.440 --> 01:42:49.120
of faulty wifi. So I might've missed something. I wanted to ask for clarity on the fixer

1438
01:42:50.640 --> 01:42:57.840
personality. Would it be fair to describe the fixer as something like this? You tend to be,

1439
01:42:57.840 --> 01:43:04.400
you tend to think that you're going to be wanted for what you bring to the table. And you don't

1440
01:43:04.400 --> 01:43:10.000
think of yourself as someone who couldn't be wanted just for your presence, like for your

1441
01:43:10.000 --> 01:43:16.080
personality, just for your, for, for basically who you are. You think of yourself as, yeah,

1442
01:43:16.080 --> 01:43:21.520
can I handle this? Can I offer this? Can I give this? Why, why else would anybody want to be in

1443
01:43:21.520 --> 01:43:27.040
a relationship except for that? No one's going to want me for just my presence. Is that kind of go

1444
01:43:27.040 --> 01:43:33.360
along with that? I think the fixer and the provider are probably working in tandem there.

1445
01:43:34.320 --> 01:43:38.880
The fixer is that I'm only valuable when I'm needed. And again, there's other things that

1446
01:43:38.880 --> 01:43:45.120
the fixer can say in the dialogue that we hear, but also the provider believes I'm valued for

1447
01:43:45.120 --> 01:43:50.800
what I produce, not who I am, which is what you were also saying. So to me, I think you probably

1448
01:43:50.800 --> 01:43:56.560
have, sorry guys, you probably have those working in tandem with each other. What's the difference?

1449
01:43:56.960 --> 01:44:02.800
What's the difference? Well, they, that's what I'm saying. They're similar, but they are different.

1450
01:44:02.800 --> 01:44:09.040
So the fixer, they get their value out of helping other people all the time. Okay. So they get their

1451
01:44:09.040 --> 01:44:16.480
value out of feeling needed out of feeling wanted for what they can like not produce, but what they

1452
01:44:16.480 --> 01:44:23.520
can do a doing versus a being. Okay. But then the valued for what they produce. So that's what you

1453
01:44:23.520 --> 01:44:33.200
can actually give to someone. So for example, money, your time. I don't know. Some people

1454
01:44:33.840 --> 01:44:41.680
will be for like what comes to mind right now is also like a lot of people that struggle with

1455
01:44:41.680 --> 01:44:48.400
narcissism or sociopathic tendencies. They will try to be with someone that they can hide behind

1456
01:44:48.400 --> 01:44:55.360
the identity of that person. Okay. And kind of pretend that they are that, but they actually

1457
01:44:55.360 --> 01:44:59.840
aren't. And they're like borrowing that person's identity. So it can be a lot of

1458
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:02.880
different things, but those, those are some of the things that come to mind.

1459
01:45:03.520 --> 01:45:04.500
Does that help you?

1460
01:45:06.180 --> 01:45:06.680
Kind of.

1461
01:45:06.940 --> 01:45:07.440
Yeah.

1462
01:45:08.000 --> 01:45:14.100
Um, what I'm wondering then is whether it's possible for whatever each of

1463
01:45:14.100 --> 01:45:18.580
our particular trip trip wire is, I'm kind of wondering if it's possible for

1464
01:45:18.580 --> 01:45:20.620
it to trip us up in more ways than one.

1465
01:45:21.200 --> 01:45:26.680
For example, if someone allows their, whatever their false self is,

1466
01:45:26.680 --> 01:45:32.540
whatever particular brand, if they allow it to drag you into a lot of

1467
01:45:32.620 --> 01:45:37.220
unhealthy relationships with the person who matches in a bad way, that

1468
01:45:37.220 --> 01:45:39.980
particular personality, but also.

1469
01:45:40.580 --> 01:45:47.540
If for example, I'm wondering if a fixer slash producer, whichever it is, if

1470
01:45:47.540 --> 01:45:53.340
that's how they see themselves, if that's how they see it, that's the only

1471
01:45:53.340 --> 01:45:57.920
real, um, dimension they have, or it's, it's going to be hard for me to be seen

1472
01:45:57.920 --> 01:46:02.480
or loved based on my personality or my presence or who I am, so I have to

1473
01:46:02.480 --> 01:46:07.740
produce or I have to fix, but then if that person then thinks that way, but

1474
01:46:07.740 --> 01:46:15.520
doesn't feel they can fix or can produce, like if they're thinking along that

1475
01:46:15.520 --> 01:46:22.520
spectrum, like a person is only valuable if they fix or produce, but then the one,

1476
01:46:22.520 --> 01:46:24.500
two punch is I can't do that.

1477
01:46:25.060 --> 01:46:28.040
I can't fix, I can't produce, I don't have anything to offer.

1478
01:46:28.040 --> 01:46:31.160
And so what they do is withdraw.

1479
01:46:32.640 --> 01:46:37.120
And so their fixer producer tripwire, instead of leading them into a bunch

1480
01:46:37.120 --> 01:46:41.380
of bad relationships, leads them into a bunch of no relationship at all.

1481
01:46:42.720 --> 01:46:43.560
Yeah, I think so.

1482
01:46:43.560 --> 01:46:47.040
I think some people will go into self protection and shutdown.

1483
01:46:47.560 --> 01:46:53.040
Um, because if you, if you feel like the only thing that you can bring to a

1484
01:46:53.040 --> 01:46:59.120
relationship is what you can do for someone or what you can provide for them

1485
01:46:59.980 --> 01:47:03.880
versus like just getting to be yourself, like in past relationships, I can

1486
01:47:03.880 --> 01:47:08.240
remember feeling like I never got to be the silly version of myself.

1487
01:47:08.420 --> 01:47:14.440
Like I never felt safe enough to let like the real me out, including the

1488
01:47:14.440 --> 01:47:18.280
me that cried sometimes or got angry.

1489
01:47:18.480 --> 01:47:21.880
I wasn't allowed to feel around other people.

1490
01:47:23.080 --> 01:47:28.560
And so, um, getting to do that in the relationship that I'm in has been so

1491
01:47:28.560 --> 01:47:29.360
freeing.

1492
01:47:29.740 --> 01:47:35.840
Um, and so I absolutely shut down aspects of myself, which actually caused me to

1493
01:47:35.840 --> 01:47:41.120
attract even more unhealthiness because I wasn't being who I actually am.

1494
01:47:41.680 --> 01:47:47.240
And so my question for you, Brandon, is can you give me an example of a

1495
01:47:47.240 --> 01:47:55.040
relationship dynamic where you didn't feel like you had anything to offer?

1496
01:47:55.040 --> 01:47:59.320
Like where, like for you personally, because I feel like that's going to help

1497
01:47:59.320 --> 01:48:02.280
me be able to help you unpack it a little more.

1498
01:48:04.360 --> 01:48:08.320
Um, to be perfectly honest, Bethany, I have only five months of relationship

1499
01:48:08.320 --> 01:48:11.040
experience in my entire life, precisely because of this.

1500
01:48:11.080 --> 01:48:11.520
Okay.

1501
01:48:12.080 --> 01:48:17.000
Um, I've basically spent all my life withdrawing and not putting myself out

1502
01:48:17.000 --> 01:48:17.200
there.

1503
01:48:17.200 --> 01:48:19.040
I've been trying in the last couple of years.

1504
01:48:19.760 --> 01:48:27.440
Um, I recently turned down a potential relationship at my church in which I

1505
01:48:27.440 --> 01:48:31.520
think it was actually kind of headed in this unhealthy direction, a fixer versus

1506
01:48:31.520 --> 01:48:33.040
someone who needed fixing.

1507
01:48:33.640 --> 01:48:39.880
Uh, because I'm happy to say, thanks to God, my, um, my desire to be in a

1508
01:48:39.880 --> 01:48:44.520
relationship is strong, is not stronger than my desire to want to be in a healthy

1509
01:48:44.520 --> 01:48:45.720
one, fortunately.

1510
01:48:45.760 --> 01:48:50.520
So, and plus the attraction just wasn't there for me quite.

1511
01:48:50.520 --> 01:48:54.040
I talked about this a couple of weeks ago, the attraction wasn't there for me.

1512
01:48:54.040 --> 01:48:58.960
So I turned it down, not wanting to be that guy who was just in it halfheartedly.

1513
01:48:58.960 --> 01:49:02.480
And then she wondered, you know, and all that, because that's how, that's

1514
01:49:02.480 --> 01:49:06.400
often what happens is us guys, we're in, we're in a good relationship and we're

1515
01:49:06.400 --> 01:49:08.280
thinking, Hey, this girl's really quality.

1516
01:49:08.840 --> 01:49:11.120
I might just stick around here for a while, see what develops.

1517
01:49:11.120 --> 01:49:12.800
Cause this is a great character.

1518
01:49:13.120 --> 01:49:17.160
This is, this is, this is awesome, but he's having to force it.

1519
01:49:18.280 --> 01:49:23.720
And that's, that's where, that's where the gal starts wondering, is, is, is, is

1520
01:49:23.720 --> 01:49:27.640
he in this is why, why, why do I feel like he's not fully into this?

1521
01:49:27.640 --> 01:49:32.080
And he's, and he's kind of, he's kind of thinking, you know, and credit to the

1522
01:49:32.080 --> 01:49:33.800
guy, he should be attracted to character.

1523
01:49:33.800 --> 01:49:35.200
He should be thinking about this.

1524
01:49:35.200 --> 01:49:38.440
This is, this is actually kind of healthy in a way, ironically, but.

1525
01:49:39.120 --> 01:49:43.840
But this, you know, you can, you can forget about her for a couple of

1526
01:49:43.840 --> 01:49:45.040
weeks and not be bugged about it.

1527
01:49:45.040 --> 01:49:46.840
And that's not a good relationship to be in.

1528
01:49:46.960 --> 01:49:51.720
So I turned something like that recently down in my church and it

1529
01:49:51.720 --> 01:49:57.880
was a little rough, but we, we figured it out, but, um, I did find myself

1530
01:49:57.880 --> 01:49:59.560
thinking on the back end of it.

1531
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:03.280
in terms of what am I able to offer

1532
01:50:03.280 --> 01:50:04.640
and what do I need to be able to do

1533
01:50:04.640 --> 01:50:07.520
in order to keep this girl if I do pursue her?

1534
01:50:07.520 --> 01:50:09.360
And I realized that was kind of all,

1535
01:50:09.360 --> 01:50:10.760
that was my only dimension.

1536
01:50:11.920 --> 01:50:13.360
So can I ask you,

1537
01:50:13.360 --> 01:50:15.760
do you mind if I ask you another question?

1538
01:50:15.760 --> 01:50:16.720
Sure.

1539
01:50:16.720 --> 01:50:18.400
Can you tell me a little bit

1540
01:50:18.400 --> 01:50:20.200
about your dynamic with your mom?

1541
01:50:21.240 --> 01:50:22.200
My mom?

1542
01:50:22.200 --> 01:50:23.040
Yeah.

1543
01:50:23.040 --> 01:50:23.880
That's great.

1544
01:50:23.880 --> 01:50:24.720
Okay.

1545
01:50:24.720 --> 01:50:27.240
I'm happy to say it was different when I was young,

1546
01:50:27.280 --> 01:50:28.200
but we,

1547
01:50:28.200 --> 01:50:30.840
mom really changed a lot

1548
01:50:30.840 --> 01:50:32.160
as I was becoming a young adult

1549
01:50:32.160 --> 01:50:34.640
and mom and I are very comfortable right now.

1550
01:50:34.640 --> 01:50:35.840
We call each other quite a bit

1551
01:50:35.840 --> 01:50:38.560
and there's none of that in between ick

1552
01:50:38.560 --> 01:50:40.200
or baggage or anything like that.

1553
01:50:40.200 --> 01:50:43.760
We just dive right into just talk about stuff and...

1554
01:50:43.760 --> 01:50:44.600
Yeah.

1555
01:50:44.600 --> 01:50:47.440
Can you tell me what it was like before it was great?

1556
01:50:49.880 --> 01:50:51.520
Without wanting to go into too much detail,

1557
01:50:51.520 --> 01:50:52.360
she was-

1558
01:50:52.360 --> 01:50:53.200
It's okay.

1559
01:50:53.200 --> 01:50:54.760
Just whatever you feel comfortable.

1560
01:50:54.760 --> 01:50:55.760
She was,

1561
01:50:55.760 --> 01:50:56.600
she had some anger,

1562
01:50:56.600 --> 01:50:57.440
some bitterness

1563
01:51:00.040 --> 01:51:00.880
to deal with.

1564
01:51:02.720 --> 01:51:03.560
If you're,

1565
01:51:03.560 --> 01:51:05.360
if you are trying to,

1566
01:51:05.360 --> 01:51:07.280
if you were trying to suss out my,

1567
01:51:09.280 --> 01:51:14.080
if you're kind of curious about where my wounds might be,

1568
01:51:14.080 --> 01:51:15.600
which I don't blame you asking for,

1569
01:51:15.600 --> 01:51:17.440
I would honestly,

1570
01:51:17.440 --> 01:51:19.040
actually attribute it more to my experience,

1571
01:51:19.040 --> 01:51:20.600
social experiences in church.

1572
01:51:20.600 --> 01:51:22.480
I grew up in a very upper middle class church

1573
01:51:22.480 --> 01:51:24.440
in which I really did not fit,

1574
01:51:24.480 --> 01:51:25.920
didn't belong.

1575
01:51:25.920 --> 01:51:29.120
And the gals that I did try to pursue,

1576
01:51:29.120 --> 01:51:31.160
I realized kind of too late that I was

1577
01:51:32.240 --> 01:51:33.680
not making nearly enough money

1578
01:51:33.680 --> 01:51:35.400
to be respected in those groups.

1579
01:51:35.400 --> 01:51:37.600
And so I really started thinking in terms of

1580
01:51:37.600 --> 01:51:38.960
what am I able to offer?

1581
01:51:38.960 --> 01:51:41.680
What can I bring to the table versus these other guys?

1582
01:51:41.680 --> 01:51:42.760
And I started,

1583
01:51:43.960 --> 01:51:46.480
there was some of that in there and I,

1584
01:51:46.480 --> 01:51:48.760
my pastor provided some healing for me actually

1585
01:51:48.760 --> 01:51:50.000
a decade later.

1586
01:51:50.000 --> 01:51:53.080
I kind of said that that wasn't a good group

1587
01:51:53.080 --> 01:51:54.400
for anyone to be in.

1588
01:51:55.400 --> 01:51:58.720
Those were hard waters to swim in

1589
01:51:58.720 --> 01:52:02.160
and you shouldn't let yourself be intimidated

1590
01:52:02.160 --> 01:52:03.400
in your pursuit of women

1591
01:52:03.400 --> 01:52:04.960
because of your experiences there.

1592
01:52:04.960 --> 01:52:06.160
That was,

1593
01:52:06.160 --> 01:52:08.040
and a lot of those gals are still single.

1594
01:52:08.040 --> 01:52:09.920
I'll add to that.

1595
01:52:09.920 --> 01:52:11.840
I think that really was real formative

1596
01:52:11.840 --> 01:52:13.080
in how I am right now.

1597
01:52:13.080 --> 01:52:15.760
But I definitely started thinking

1598
01:52:15.760 --> 01:52:19.320
in terms of what am I gonna have to do to keep her happy?

1599
01:52:19.320 --> 01:52:22.680
What am I gonna have to offer?

1600
01:52:23.320 --> 01:52:25.320
How handy do I have to be around the house?

1601
01:52:25.320 --> 01:52:26.560
How much money do I need to make?

1602
01:52:26.560 --> 01:52:29.240
But yeah, just fixing, providing.

1603
01:52:29.240 --> 01:52:32.320
How much of her emotions do I need to carry?

1604
01:52:32.320 --> 01:52:34.880
And when I can't, I can't do all that.

1605
01:52:34.880 --> 01:52:38.800
I have to be available for what the Lord leads me to do

1606
01:52:38.800 --> 01:52:41.320
and what she asks for, but I can't carry it all.

1607
01:52:41.320 --> 01:52:45.200
So I've been doing some hard work on this matter,

1608
01:52:45.200 --> 01:52:47.000
but looking for clarity.

1609
01:52:47.000 --> 01:52:48.880
So a couple of things,

1610
01:52:48.880 --> 01:52:50.960
and I love that you were sharing

1611
01:52:50.960 --> 01:52:52.320
some of this other stuff with me.

1612
01:52:52.920 --> 01:52:54.080
And I typically do,

1613
01:52:54.080 --> 01:52:55.440
just because I don't know the guys

1614
01:52:55.440 --> 01:52:57.080
as well as I know some of the ladies,

1615
01:52:57.080 --> 01:52:57.920
but even the ladies,

1616
01:52:57.920 --> 01:53:01.520
I try to ask them a little bit about deeper questions

1617
01:53:01.520 --> 01:53:03.960
so that I can kind of discern

1618
01:53:03.960 --> 01:53:05.760
maybe what's going on underneath the surface.

1619
01:53:05.760 --> 01:53:08.000
Because even when we've done a lot of work, Brandon,

1620
01:53:08.000 --> 01:53:10.640
there can be things that are still under there

1621
01:53:10.640 --> 01:53:13.280
that are subconsciously driving us

1622
01:53:13.280 --> 01:53:15.440
to do certain types of things.

1623
01:53:15.440 --> 01:53:18.000
And so as you were talking,

1624
01:53:18.000 --> 01:53:21.360
interestingly enough, you said multiple times,

1625
01:53:21.400 --> 01:53:24.840
what am I going to have to do to keep her happy?

1626
01:53:26.920 --> 01:53:29.320
And that's why I asked about your mom.

1627
01:53:30.400 --> 01:53:31.240
So-

1628
01:53:31.240 --> 01:53:33.960
She was hard to please when I was young.

1629
01:53:33.960 --> 01:53:35.440
Yeah, it sounds like it.

1630
01:53:35.440 --> 01:53:36.880
And that's great.

1631
01:53:36.880 --> 01:53:40.640
I love that you guys have a better relationship now,

1632
01:53:40.640 --> 01:53:42.200
but the reality is,

1633
01:53:42.200 --> 01:53:45.240
is I genuinely think your inner dialogue

1634
01:53:45.240 --> 01:53:48.320
is kind of causing you to put up walls.

1635
01:53:49.160 --> 01:53:51.560
Because even when you described those ladies

1636
01:53:51.560 --> 01:53:52.400
in the other church,

1637
01:53:52.400 --> 01:53:54.200
which if they were unhealthy, of course,

1638
01:53:54.200 --> 01:53:55.200
you don't want to be with someone

1639
01:53:55.200 --> 01:53:57.640
who is putting value on things

1640
01:53:57.640 --> 01:53:59.960
that they shouldn't be and things like that.

1641
01:53:59.960 --> 01:54:02.160
But I wrote down as you were talking,

1642
01:54:02.160 --> 01:54:04.840
because this is what I heard in my spirit,

1643
01:54:04.840 --> 01:54:07.600
that sometimes you count yourself out.

1644
01:54:09.200 --> 01:54:10.040
Like you take your-

1645
01:54:10.040 --> 01:54:11.760
Just sometimes, huh?

1646
01:54:11.760 --> 01:54:12.600
Yes.

1647
01:54:12.600 --> 01:54:13.440
Yeah, I wrote,

1648
01:54:13.440 --> 01:54:16.440
I wrote sometimes I think that you count yourself out.

1649
01:54:16.440 --> 01:54:19.880
Like you take yourself out of the game

1650
01:54:19.880 --> 01:54:22.160
before you actually need to.

1651
01:54:22.160 --> 01:54:24.040
And I think that's just something

1652
01:54:24.040 --> 01:54:25.280
that's happening subconsciously.

1653
01:54:25.280 --> 01:54:26.400
I'm not saying that's what happened

1654
01:54:26.400 --> 01:54:29.360
with this current lady that you just broke up with

1655
01:54:29.360 --> 01:54:31.880
or ended dating her.

1656
01:54:32.880 --> 01:54:36.360
But I genuinely think that

1657
01:54:36.360 --> 01:54:38.640
there's an internal part of you

1658
01:54:38.640 --> 01:54:41.560
that still needs some healing regarding your mom.

1659
01:54:41.560 --> 01:54:44.240
Because that feeling of like,

1660
01:54:44.280 --> 01:54:46.720
what do I have to do to keep her happy?

1661
01:54:46.720 --> 01:54:48.920
Because, and I'm not saying that's not a good thing

1662
01:54:48.920 --> 01:54:50.320
to a degree, of course.

1663
01:54:50.320 --> 01:54:52.200
I want to make Brian happy.

1664
01:54:52.200 --> 01:54:53.600
He wants to make me happy.

1665
01:54:53.600 --> 01:54:56.440
But if that's a driver,

1666
01:54:57.320 --> 01:54:59.320
that's where it signals to me.

1667
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:01.500
okay, there's something going on there

1668
01:55:01.500 --> 01:55:05.200
that you actually think you as a person aren't enough.

1669
01:55:06.080 --> 01:55:09.220
And if you had to walk on eggshells growing up,

1670
01:55:09.220 --> 01:55:11.000
if mom was angry and bitter a lot

1671
01:55:11.000 --> 01:55:13.400
and you felt like you could never keep her happy,

1672
01:55:15.400 --> 01:55:18.860
I think that's playing a role in your life today.

1673
01:55:18.860 --> 01:55:19.700
Most likely.

1674
01:55:19.700 --> 01:55:22.720
Yeah, and it doesn't mean you haven't done the work.

1675
01:55:22.720 --> 01:55:24.480
It just means, I think, again,

1676
01:55:24.480 --> 01:55:26.760
I try to tell all the people when I coach

1677
01:55:27.440 --> 01:55:30.200
that healing happens in layers,

1678
01:55:30.200 --> 01:55:31.920
forgiveness happens in layers.

1679
01:55:31.920 --> 01:55:34.600
And so as we're going down the path,

1680
01:55:34.600 --> 01:55:37.640
sometimes God's gonna, if you think of a car,

1681
01:55:37.640 --> 01:55:39.360
you know, we pop the hood.

1682
01:55:39.360 --> 01:55:41.560
Sometimes we just take a look up under the engine

1683
01:55:41.560 --> 01:55:44.840
to figure out why the light's coming on inside the dash.

1684
01:55:44.840 --> 01:55:47.480
And I feel like the light's coming on inside the dash,

1685
01:55:47.480 --> 01:55:49.320
so to speak, and it's saying,

1686
01:55:49.320 --> 01:55:52.400
hey, the Lord's like, why do you keep believing

1687
01:55:52.400 --> 01:55:54.480
that you can't make someone happy?

1688
01:55:55.480 --> 01:55:57.520
You know, that you almost have to go into overdrive

1689
01:55:57.520 --> 01:55:58.440
or figure it out.

1690
01:55:58.440 --> 01:56:01.200
Or, you know, you're always trying to like, kind of,

1691
01:56:01.200 --> 01:56:03.840
like you said, are you trying to suss out?

1692
01:56:03.840 --> 01:56:06.200
Are you trying to suss out what happened in my past?

1693
01:56:06.200 --> 01:56:08.040
But like, you're trying to, in a sense,

1694
01:56:08.040 --> 01:56:10.880
suss out people to protect yourself

1695
01:56:10.880 --> 01:56:13.560
or to try to be the best version of yourself

1696
01:56:13.560 --> 01:56:16.000
that you can be, which is good.

1697
01:56:16.000 --> 01:56:17.920
But I think that that's where you start

1698
01:56:17.920 --> 01:56:19.240
counting yourself out.

1699
01:56:19.240 --> 01:56:22.660
Because if you think you cannot keep them happy,

1700
01:56:23.620 --> 01:56:26.100
you just convince yourself it's never gonna work.

1701
01:56:27.620 --> 01:56:29.420
Well, you can go to, once you've hit there,

1702
01:56:29.420 --> 01:56:30.820
I think you can go one of two places,

1703
01:56:30.820 --> 01:56:34.380
which you can either charge into those relationships

1704
01:56:34.380 --> 01:56:35.900
and try and be that awesome fixer,

1705
01:56:35.900 --> 01:56:39.740
or yeah, you can just decide that's a huge goal

1706
01:56:39.740 --> 01:56:41.140
and I don't have what it takes,

1707
01:56:41.140 --> 01:56:43.700
so I'm just ditching, you know?

1708
01:56:43.700 --> 01:56:44.540
Yeah.

1709
01:56:44.540 --> 01:56:46.500
It's not gonna, that is not what happened

1710
01:56:46.500 --> 01:56:49.460
in this last relationship, by the way.

1711
01:56:49.460 --> 01:56:51.020
Yeah, I didn't get that vibe at all,

1712
01:56:51.020 --> 01:56:52.020
even when you were talking about it.

1713
01:56:52.380 --> 01:56:53.200
Yeah.

1714
01:56:53.200 --> 01:56:54.040
I think that actually was a good thing

1715
01:56:54.040 --> 01:56:55.100
that you ended that.

1716
01:56:55.100 --> 01:56:58.380
But here's what I would love for you to do, Brandon.

1717
01:56:58.380 --> 01:57:02.260
I would really love for you to pray into your value,

1718
01:57:02.260 --> 01:57:05.060
not what you can provide for someone,

1719
01:57:05.060 --> 01:57:09.460
not how you can help them, but like, who are you?

1720
01:57:09.460 --> 01:57:12.100
Like, what, like when I say to you,

1721
01:57:12.100 --> 01:57:16.120
like I ask the ladies, ask God, who does he say you are?

1722
01:57:17.100 --> 01:57:19.260
And I really would love for you to work on that

1723
01:57:19.260 --> 01:57:21.780
because ultimately at the core,

1724
01:57:23.100 --> 01:57:26.740
your value, who you are as a person

1725
01:57:26.740 --> 01:57:29.180
is what is gonna attract your spirit mate,

1726
01:57:29.180 --> 01:57:32.700
not just what you can provide for them or do for them.

1727
01:57:32.700 --> 01:57:37.700
And the more that you know that you bring value as a person,

1728
01:57:37.860 --> 01:57:39.920
as a son of God,

1729
01:57:41.480 --> 01:57:43.820
that is what's gonna anchor you to someone

1730
01:57:43.820 --> 01:57:47.220
that like lead you to a spirit mate that's healthy.

1731
01:57:47.220 --> 01:57:49.660
And you might've already done work on this before,

1732
01:57:49.660 --> 01:57:51.260
but I promise you,

1733
01:57:51.260 --> 01:57:54.220
I think God wants to show you something new about this.

1734
01:57:54.220 --> 01:57:56.180
And he wants to heal another layer

1735
01:57:56.180 --> 01:57:58.420
of this thing with your mom.

1736
01:57:58.420 --> 01:58:00.660
And so even though, again, you guys have a healthy,

1737
01:58:00.660 --> 01:58:02.860
it sounds like good relationship now,

1738
01:58:02.860 --> 01:58:05.840
I want you to think about little Brandon.

1739
01:58:08.380 --> 01:58:11.420
Because little Brandon is who needs taken care of tonight.

1740
01:58:12.620 --> 01:58:13.460
Okay?

1741
01:58:13.460 --> 01:58:15.460
And that's what I try to tell the ladies too.

1742
01:58:15.500 --> 01:58:18.980
Sometimes we forget when we're adults,

1743
01:58:18.980 --> 01:58:21.720
like we're just trying to fix us right now,

1744
01:58:22.780 --> 01:58:24.420
but the little version of us,

1745
01:58:24.420 --> 01:58:26.500
the little girl or the little boy

1746
01:58:26.500 --> 01:58:28.940
is actually who needs some attention.

1747
01:58:28.940 --> 01:58:31.660
And just acknowledging like the pain

1748
01:58:31.660 --> 01:58:33.700
of how hard that can be sometimes

1749
01:58:33.700 --> 01:58:37.860
to try to always please someone who's always angry.

1750
01:58:37.860 --> 01:58:39.620
That's a lot for any kid.

1751
01:58:41.100 --> 01:58:44.580
It's not even possible, right?

1752
01:58:44.580 --> 01:58:47.980
And so loving on the little version of you

1753
01:58:47.980 --> 01:58:51.780
and really, and the way I try to coach people to do that

1754
01:58:51.780 --> 01:58:55.700
is to actually acknowledge the pain that you experienced

1755
01:58:55.700 --> 01:58:57.860
when that stuff was happening

1756
01:58:57.860 --> 01:59:00.960
and really encouraging the little version of Brandon

1757
01:59:00.960 --> 01:59:01.900
that you don't have to,

1758
01:59:01.900 --> 01:59:04.060
that version doesn't have to hide anymore.

1759
01:59:05.340 --> 01:59:07.660
Because your adult version is living out

1760
01:59:07.660 --> 01:59:10.060
what your little version learned.

1761
01:59:10.060 --> 01:59:12.540
So it's like a convergence is what starts to happen

1762
01:59:12.540 --> 01:59:14.740
when the little version of us

1763
01:59:14.740 --> 01:59:17.020
starts to heal more and more and more,

1764
01:59:17.020 --> 01:59:19.340
the adult version of us starts to converge back

1765
01:59:19.340 --> 01:59:20.780
and accept that.

1766
01:59:20.780 --> 01:59:23.180
Because like there's parts of us too

1767
01:59:23.180 --> 01:59:25.580
where we will be so broken as a little kid

1768
01:59:25.580 --> 01:59:27.820
that we actually, the adult version of us

1769
01:59:27.820 --> 01:59:31.780
does not accept that version back here.

1770
01:59:31.780 --> 01:59:33.340
We shame that version.

1771
01:59:33.340 --> 01:59:35.900
We're embarrassed by the things that we did or said

1772
01:59:35.900 --> 01:59:40.780
or how we reacted instead of loving, like covering.

1773
01:59:40.780 --> 01:59:44.380
Yes, Megan dropped a comment saying,

1774
01:59:44.380 --> 01:59:48.860
just chuckling fondly at the idea of little Brandon.

1775
01:59:48.860 --> 01:59:51.060
And I almost wrote in the chat back to her,

1776
01:59:51.060 --> 01:59:53.020
yeah, he was an idiot.

1777
01:59:53.020 --> 01:59:55.260
And just for a laugh,

1778
01:59:55.260 --> 01:59:57.180
but I think that's kind of proving,

1779
01:59:57.180 --> 01:59:58.660
I think that's kind of proving what I said

1780
01:59:58.660 --> 02:00:00.300
because I've outgrown it.

1781
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:02.300
grown a lot of the mistakes I made as I was a kid.

1782
02:00:02.300 --> 02:00:04.500
I'm not the same individual anymore.

1783
02:00:04.500 --> 02:00:08.020
I don't need to be operating on that operating system anymore.

1784
02:00:08.020 --> 02:00:08.860
No, you don't.

1785
02:00:08.860 --> 02:00:11.420
And little Brandon wasn't an idiot either.

1786
02:00:11.420 --> 02:00:14.700
Just, I just, I'm gonna say that right out loud to you.

1787
02:00:14.700 --> 02:00:18.140
It doesn't, and you raised your eyebrow when I said that.

1788
02:00:18.140 --> 02:00:22.180
So somewhere in you, you still believe that about yourself.

1789
02:00:22.180 --> 02:00:24.480
I have, well, I have a little bit of neurodivergence

1790
02:00:24.480 --> 02:00:27.620
going on that severely affected me at,

1791
02:00:27.620 --> 02:00:29.780
that severely affected my social skills

1792
02:00:29.780 --> 02:00:31.660
at a very young age.

1793
02:00:31.660 --> 02:00:33.580
I'm a lot further along the path now.

1794
02:00:33.580 --> 02:00:35.900
So by God's grace, that's come a long way,

1795
02:00:35.900 --> 02:00:39.140
but there was a lot there with that too.

1796
02:00:39.140 --> 02:00:39.980
And yeah.

1797
02:00:39.980 --> 02:00:44.060
Okay, so, hey, Brandon, this is huge.

1798
02:00:44.060 --> 02:00:45.100
It really is.

1799
02:00:45.100 --> 02:00:47.180
And I don't wanna rush past what's happening

1800
02:00:47.180 --> 02:00:48.560
tonight for you.

1801
02:00:50.380 --> 02:00:53.120
When we go through stuff like this, anybody,

1802
02:00:54.200 --> 02:00:58.300
when we reject parts of ourselves because we struggled

1803
02:00:58.300 --> 02:00:59.940
in one way, shape or form.

1804
02:00:59.940 --> 02:01:02.340
Now I did not go through what you'd went through,

1805
02:01:02.340 --> 02:01:06.440
but being sexually abused as a little girl by my siblings,

1806
02:01:06.440 --> 02:01:08.900
you better believe I shut down parts of myself

1807
02:01:08.900 --> 02:01:11.460
and I shamed myself.

1808
02:01:11.460 --> 02:01:13.820
I felt guilty, all kinds of things.

1809
02:01:13.820 --> 02:01:17.940
And so I had to learn how to love myself

1810
02:01:17.940 --> 02:01:20.860
because I didn't know what to do when I was a little girl.

1811
02:01:20.860 --> 02:01:23.540
I didn't know what to do with that.

1812
02:01:23.540 --> 02:01:25.380
And then when I finally told,

1813
02:01:25.380 --> 02:01:27.600
when I was a junior in high school,

1814
02:01:27.600 --> 02:01:29.900
my mom was mean to me.

1815
02:01:29.900 --> 02:01:33.520
So when we experienced that kind of brokenness

1816
02:01:33.520 --> 02:01:35.760
and we shame the little versions of ourselves

1817
02:01:35.760 --> 02:01:37.720
or call ourselves an idiot or stupid,

1818
02:01:37.720 --> 02:01:39.600
or I would bump into walls, you all,

1819
02:01:39.600 --> 02:01:42.000
and apologize to walls and say, I'm sorry.

1820
02:01:42.000 --> 02:01:43.860
Why do we do that stuff?

1821
02:01:43.860 --> 02:01:46.040
Well, because at some point on some level,

1822
02:01:46.040 --> 02:01:49.820
deep inside of ourselves, we feel sorry for existing.

1823
02:01:52.880 --> 02:01:56.080
And God wants you to know that you were not an idiot.

1824
02:01:57.080 --> 02:01:59.000
There were things that you were going through

1825
02:01:59.000 --> 02:02:03.560
that you needed help and care and love and support.

1826
02:02:03.560 --> 02:02:05.280
And I'm not shaming your mom,

1827
02:02:05.280 --> 02:02:07.340
but there were things that were going on there

1828
02:02:07.340 --> 02:02:09.520
that I think were exasperating

1829
02:02:09.520 --> 02:02:12.080
what was going on inside of you.

1830
02:02:12.080 --> 02:02:15.440
And so I feel like God is wanting to cover you tonight

1831
02:02:15.440 --> 02:02:17.300
and really help you continue to,

1832
02:02:18.720 --> 02:02:20.120
what I heard when you were talking

1833
02:02:20.120 --> 02:02:24.260
about the neurodivergence is accept and love,

1834
02:02:24.300 --> 02:02:26.460
even though that was hard

1835
02:02:26.460 --> 02:02:31.300
and it probably was really tough to walk through,

1836
02:02:31.300 --> 02:02:34.820
but God wants you to heal in that place.

1837
02:02:34.820 --> 02:02:37.340
So I bless you in the Lord.

1838
02:02:37.340 --> 02:02:40.500
You're an amazing person and God loves you.

1839
02:02:40.500 --> 02:02:43.320
And I know your sisters here,

1840
02:02:43.320 --> 02:02:45.820
we're super grateful for what you shared tonight

1841
02:02:45.820 --> 02:02:48.060
and we're cheering you on.

1842
02:02:48.060 --> 02:02:48.900
And I do-

1843
02:02:48.900 --> 02:02:50.020
I'm grateful for that.

1844
02:02:50.020 --> 02:02:52.780
Yeah, I believe God has someone incredible for you, Brandon.

1845
02:02:52.780 --> 02:02:55.260
And we're going to be praying for you.

1846
02:02:55.260 --> 02:02:56.940
I am going to go ahead and close this out.

1847
02:02:56.940 --> 02:02:58.860
We're at 1003, everyone.

1848
02:02:58.860 --> 02:03:00.940
Thank you for everyone who shared your stories.

1849
02:03:00.940 --> 02:03:03.640
I know, Kathy, you put your hand up after I had mentioned

1850
02:03:03.640 --> 02:03:06.420
that I was going to end after Felicia and Brandon.

1851
02:03:06.420 --> 02:03:08.260
Bless you as well.

1852
02:03:08.260 --> 02:03:11.160
I'm so grateful to be here tonight with all of you all.

1853
02:03:12.600 --> 02:03:16.340
No matter what we've come from, God can heal us,

1854
02:03:16.340 --> 02:03:21.340
enable us to walk into more freedom every day, you all.

1855
02:03:21.500 --> 02:03:23.740
It's us pausing and saying, God, okay,

1856
02:03:23.740 --> 02:03:26.180
like this is where I'm struggling today.

1857
02:03:26.180 --> 02:03:28.980
This is what I'm navigating and I just need your grace.

1858
02:03:28.980 --> 02:03:30.260
I need your help.

1859
02:03:30.260 --> 02:03:32.080
Help me to see what I can't see.

1860
02:03:33.580 --> 02:03:36.100
So Father, I just thank you that you're doing this work

1861
02:03:36.100 --> 02:03:39.180
in us, God, that you never give up on us.

1862
02:03:39.180 --> 02:03:41.060
God, even when we shame ourselves,

1863
02:03:41.060 --> 02:03:44.220
we talk bad about ourselves, we put ourselves down, God.

1864
02:03:44.220 --> 02:03:46.500
Your spirit is crying out to us saying,

1865
02:03:46.500 --> 02:03:50.240
you have made us fearfully and wonderfully made.

1866
02:03:50.240 --> 02:03:53.360
God, I pray that you would go into the recesses

1867
02:03:53.360 --> 02:03:56.880
of our being, into those dark places, God,

1868
02:03:56.880 --> 02:03:58.720
and that you would place the balm of Gilead

1869
02:03:58.720 --> 02:04:03.200
upon our hearts, our souls, our minds, our spirits.

1870
02:04:03.200 --> 02:04:06.320
Help us to hear what your spirit is saying more clearly

1871
02:04:06.320 --> 02:04:08.620
as we move forward in the days ahead.

1872
02:04:08.620 --> 02:04:11.840
God, help us to recognize flags that are red.

1873
02:04:11.840 --> 02:04:14.400
Help us to recognize flags that are green.

1874
02:04:14.400 --> 02:04:18.200
Help us to recognize the areas where the counterfeit identity

1875
02:04:18.240 --> 02:04:21.640
is leading us away from your plan for us,

1876
02:04:21.640 --> 02:04:24.440
that we would not make excuses for unhealthy behavior,

1877
02:04:24.440 --> 02:04:27.960
that we would learn how to speak up and use our voices,

1878
02:04:27.960 --> 02:04:31.320
that we would set healthy boundaries when we need to, God.

1879
02:04:31.320 --> 02:04:33.200
And I thank you for courage for your sons

1880
02:04:33.200 --> 02:04:34.020
and your daughters.

1881
02:04:34.020 --> 02:04:35.120
I pray that you would continue to help us

1882
02:04:35.120 --> 02:04:37.760
to see ourselves the way you see us.

1883
02:04:37.760 --> 02:04:40.360
God, help us to continue to grow in our identity in Christ,

1884
02:04:40.360 --> 02:04:42.040
to be rooted and grounded in your love

1885
02:04:42.040 --> 02:04:44.080
more each and every day.

1886
02:04:44.080 --> 02:04:46.820
We just thank you for all these things in Jesus' name.

1887
02:04:46.820 --> 02:04:48.120
God bless you all.

1888
02:04:48.960 --> 02:04:49.800
I'll see you guys in the groups

1889
02:04:49.800 --> 02:04:52.120
and just know that even when you don't hear from us,

1890
02:04:52.120 --> 02:04:54.480
we are praying for you all, all the time.

1891
02:04:54.480 --> 02:04:56.440
We're cheering you on and we believe

1892
02:04:56.440 --> 02:04:58.360
in what God is doing in you.

1893
02:04:58.360 --> 02:04:59.520
Have a good night, everyone.

1894
02:04:59.520 --> 02:05:00.360
Thank you.

1895
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:00.840
Bethany.

1896
02:05:00.840 --> 02:05:01.680
Bye everyone.