WEBVTT

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All right, friends, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks Book Club.

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This is week two.

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I hope you did your homework because we're going to jump right in with that in just a

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second.

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Hopefully you took some time to put your city, state, and country in the chat.

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You see we have people from all over.

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We have people from other countries.

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Hello from Switzerland.

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We know that people are staying up until three, four o'clock in the morning to join us here.

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We're going to be conscious of everyone's time.

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We're going to be on here from anywhere from 75 to 90 minutes.

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We will have Q&A at the end.

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We'll do a little love seating, meaning that I will take questions from you, and you can

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even jump in the love seat and tell me what it is that you want to know, and I will try

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my best to answer.

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All right, so starting off, we had just kind of recap last week, week one.

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We talked about all kinds of different things, right?

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We talked about why dating is so hard in the year 2026, and the takeaway is that it's not

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just you.

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It's the system.

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It's the system that you were given, that you inherited, if you like that word.

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And then we talked about what you became because of what you inherited.

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And we talked about that as a script.

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What script are you reading in this movie of life?

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This movie that you're the main star in your own movie, okay?

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Some of you may have not known that.

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You might've been a supporting star in someone else's movie for a really long time, got a

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lot of abusive relationships where you aren't the star of your show, okay?

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Well, you are the star of your show.

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I have an older brother, and he's an interesting sort of person, but he always asks me what's

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going on with my show, meaning my life.

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Hey, like, what's going on with your show?

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Is this your show?

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What are you doing in your show?

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And so you are the star of your show, and you have a script that you've been reading.

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And if you come over in a last year single, which I hope all of you will, because you

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can test drive last year single for just $37 at the end of this book club, I hope you decide

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to do that because we'll get deeper into why you believe what you believe about yourself,

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about God, about men, about women, about marriage.

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But for the purpose of this book club, we can just go as far as your script.

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What script are you running when it comes to your love life?

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And so we looked at that in week one.

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So if you're here in week two and you have not watched the replay of week one, I really

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want to encourage you to do that.

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We talked about a lot of things that are super important to your success in this wild, wild

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West that we call dating.

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But now we're going to continue on that.

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For your homework, I asked you to do your dating autopsy and come and share it.

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And so I'm going to take a few shares.

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Raise your hand if you're willing to share what you learned from your dating autopsy.

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And here's the thing.

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We can't take a long time on these shares.

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So here's what I want you to share.

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I want you to share the pattern that you found in your dating autopsy.

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Do you stay too long?

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Do you give too much?

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Do you overlook too many things?

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Do you ignore the red flags because you just think that you're at the circus or NASCAR

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or Daytona 500?

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Is that your pattern?

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Is that what you do?

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Do you cut and run really quickly?

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Is the first sign of any kind of flaw in this person?

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Do you go ahead and tell yourself a story like, uh, it's time to go.

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Do you not even let them get off first base?

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Do you go ahead and look for flaws?

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Do you find flaws purposely so that you have permission and excuse to cut and run?

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You know, there can be all different types of patterns that you found in your dating

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autopsy.

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For those of you that are joining us live tonight and you did not join us live last

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week and maybe you didn't do the homework yet, the dating autopsy is on page, uh, 46

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in your book.

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If you actually have the book and if you have the ebook or the e pub, then it's going to

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be on a, is it on a worksheet?

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The dating autopsy, is it a worksheet or is it just in, yeah, it's just in the book.

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So it's just in your e pub, your, your Kindle, your, your ebook.

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I don't know what page it's on in the ebook.

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There's no page number is what I'm being told, but it is on page 46 if you have a book and

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it's going to ask you a couple questions and really what it's wanting you to do is kind

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of create a spreadsheet of your last couple relationships, a graph if you will, of your

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last couple relationships.

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And then it's asking you to ask yourself the same six questions about each one of those

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relationships to try to find the pattern.

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Okay.

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And then when you find the pattern, then you can, you know, use the information from that

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pattern to hopefully break the pattern.

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So that is the purpose of the dating autopsy is to detox yourself from the pattern.

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All right.

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Some of you, you dated the same person over and over again.

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It wasn't the same actual person, but it was the same.

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type of person. So when you did your dating autopsy, you found out, Oh, Hey,

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you know, I really have a type and my type is super unhealthy.

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It's someone who lies. It's someone who cheats.

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It's someone who's a narcissist. Possibly we use that word a lot.

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We love to throw that word around. It's someone who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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The problem is, is that if that is your pattern, then guess what?

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You fall into the category of an enabler.

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One thing that I don't like is I don't want a victim shame,

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but I also don't like to let victims stay victims.

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Because if you don't find the pattern, if you don't own your side of the street,

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because out of all those people that hurt you, betrayed you, cheated on you,

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used you, abused you, the liars, cheaters, beaters,

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abusers, users, there's one common denominator and it's you,

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right? We chose those people, gentlemen,

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all the ladies that only wanted you for your money.

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All the people that took advantage of you, lied to you, manipulated you,

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coerced you, seduced you. Once again,

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the common denominator is us and so if we want to have a different product,

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then we have to look at the process in which we got there, right?

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Very, very, very important. It is a worksheet, Marcy said. Thank you, Marcy.

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You think that I would know that?

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My team told me differently, but I thought it was. And so it is. Okay.

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So you guys are seeing what I'm saying.

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And for those of you that didn't have any relationships,

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romantic relationships to put on your dating autopsy,

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every one of us has had relationships.

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And so you can go back and use that autopsy as a relationship autopsy,

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not a dating autopsy. And you can put all of your primary relationships,

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all your friendships. You're like, Jackie, I haven't had any friends.

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Well that's information. You mean you got to this level of life,

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this age of life and you've never had a friend good enough to put on this

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worksheet in order to find a pattern.

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That's not how God created you.

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God created you for relationship.

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So if you haven't had any relationships to speak of in your life,

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besides just the people that gave birth to you and maybe your siblings,

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maybe some other family members, then we got to dig into why,

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why haven't you made any friends? Why haven't you let anyone in?

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I once had a private client that didn't have any friendships outside of her

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origin family. And you know what we found out when we,

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when we coached and we dug deeper,

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she came from an origin family that taught that people outside of this family

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are different than us. They won't understand us and they're not safe.

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That's what we found out. We autopsied,

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we autopsied her relationship with her parents and siblings.

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And what we found out is a reason why she never had any friendships or romantic

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relationships,

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even though she was now 40 something years old was because she was taught and

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programmed to believe that nobody outside of the family would ever understand

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her or be safe.

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That's really important information, isn't it?

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That's a pattern that we needed to break and we were,

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we were able to break it and we were able to break it.

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She actually ended up getting married.

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So you see, you can use these questions for any relationships.

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What are the patterns? You guys,

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healthy relationships will bear healthy fruit. And when I say healthy fruit,

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healthy relationships have healthy boundaries,

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healthy relationship wants what they want. What's best for you.

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They don't try to control you. They don't try to hold you back.

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They support you. They also call you out when necessary.

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If you have relationships that you can't, you can't handle conflict.

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You don't invite some constructive conflict in the relationship where you're

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allowing someone to kind of point out the areas where you might be holding

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yourself back or sabotaging yourself,

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letting someone poke holes in your idea, not because they're against you,

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not because they don't want you to succeed,

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but because they see some blind spots that you don't see.

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And the reason why I'm going kind of further into this homework is because we're

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going to talk about building your advisory circle today,

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your relationship advisory circle.

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And if you're one of the people that didn't have any relationships to put on

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this worksheet, you're going to have a hard time with this assignment

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because it requires people. It requires you to have people.

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You guys, the replay isn't going to show up sooner or later. It's in the app.

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It's actually under replays. Super easy to find. Okay.

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There it's been there since the day that it got recorded.

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And so take a look, refresh your app.

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Okay, so you guys, relationship is why we're all here.

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God created creation and then he created humanity

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and the purpose of creating humanity was for what reason?

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Put it in the chat.

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Why did God create humanity?

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Because he wanted a bunch of robots,

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he wanted a bunch of slaves,

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he wanted people to take care of his creation,

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he wanted indentured servants.

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Why did God create?

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I mean, he had the angels already.

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What did he need us for?

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That's right.

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All God ever wanted was a family.

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He created us for relationship, just with him?

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Did he create us for relationship just with him?

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Just us and him walking and talking in the garden,

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naked as a jaybird, living our best life.

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Is that why?

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Is that how it worked?

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No, Lisa, yes, him and each other.

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In fact, the very first thing that God did

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during the creation sequence was look at day six,

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which was the creation of mankind, humankind,

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and say, this is not finished yet.

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This is not what I had in mind yet.

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The word not good, the word good,

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when he looked at man and said, hmm, this is not good,

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that word is translated into our English language

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as complete or finished.

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He wasn't done yet.

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Why?

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Because he said, let us make them male and female.

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Let us make them male and female to be what?

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To be in our image.

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He didn't say to be in my image, he said our image.

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This might mess with your theology, but God is three in one.

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And guess what?

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As humankind, we're also in the marriage model three in one,

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meaning husband, wife, children, offspring.

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Isn't that a beautiful thing?

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Now, not everyone's gonna have biological children

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on this earth because of what?

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Because of the curse.

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Because God's divine design was interrupted by sin.

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It was interrupted by disobedience.

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Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost

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in the reconciliation, ministry of reconciliation,

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when he came and lived and died and resurrected.

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What did he come to seek and save that which was lost?

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Divine design.

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The thing that he came to seek and save that was lost

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was divine design.

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What divine design?

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Relationship.

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Relationship for who?

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Us and God, us and ourselves, and us and each other.

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You guys see it, it's pretty clear.

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It's pretty clear.

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People think, oh, well, he came so that we could go

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to heaven someday.

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That's what he came to do.

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No.

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He came to put us back into

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relationship and right standing

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with God, ourselves, and each other.

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I know a lot of people don't know this,

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but the battle of the sexes started in the garden.

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It didn't start now.

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Didn't start in your former marriage

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between you and your ex.

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It started in the garden.

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When sin entered, so did conflict.

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So did disconnection.

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In fact, sin brought what I call the dis, the D-I-S.

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Disconnection, dis-ease, disease, disappointment.

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You can go on and on with the dis words,

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but then Jesus brought the ministry of reconciliation

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or the ministry of re, R-E.

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Reconciliation, regeneration, restoration, rehabilitation.

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We can go on and on, but also relationship, revival.

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And so I believe by you coming here

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and being part of this book club,

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I know you came because you think you're just gonna learn

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how to date better, but I believe that you've now

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been enlisted to be a revivalist in what?

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In the revival of marriage and family.

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Because your future marriage is not just about you,

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it is about lineage, it's about legacy,

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and it's about the ministry of re, reconciliation,

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that Jesus started and now we all

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get to walk out and finish.

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Do you believe that?

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Are you a revivalist?

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I believe you're a revivalist.

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Your marriage is a lot more important

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than you just having someone to snuggle and watch TV with.

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Someone to go on vacation with and someone to walk the dog

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because you're done taking the dog out all by yourself.

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Yes, that's more.

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It's more than just a extra pooper scooper in the family.

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It is about lineage, it's about legacy.

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It's about everything that God thought about you

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and planned and purposed for your life

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when he thought of you before the foundation of the earth.

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Okay, so you guys, relationship is what this is all about.

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And if you don't do relationship well,

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whether it's friends, whether it's community,

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or whether it's romantic relationship,

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and it could be all three, that's where we have to start.

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We have to start being vulnerable, showing up, letting people in, trusting

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people. I know that's hard and some of you, you trust too easily and you trust

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the wrong people. So for those of you that are like that, you found that in

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your dating autopsy, man, gosh, I just, I keep making the same mistakes all over

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again. I'm just so foolish. I just trust people so easily. I meet them, they say,

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hey, hi, I'm a good person and I just believe them and I give them a key to my

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house and then here we are. And some of y'all don't trust anybody. You don't

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trust your own mama. You don't trust nobody. No one, no one. You're from

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Missouri, the show-me state. Don't tell me, show me. You're so distrusting. I say

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that because my mom was from Missouri. She was born in Missouri at least. She grew up

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in California and she used to say, I was born in the show-me state. Don't tell me,

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show me. Yeah. Some of you are so guarded. Your dating autopsy was hard because no

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one got past date two. You just crossed them off. You cut them from the team

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really quick before you could see if they could actually make a layup. No.

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Those are basketball references, just so you know. I'm 5'10". I'm a tall girl and I

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use a lot of sports references because I used to play sports. All right. So,

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Kristen's like, that's me. Born in Missouri. Proud of it. All right. I'm gonna

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take a couple. I'm gonna take a couple shares. Hopefully you guys are learning

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something already. I promise you we're gonna have some interaction. I'm gonna

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put you in some breakout rooms. You're gonna get to meet each other. You're

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gonna get to share with each other. There's only about 63 folks on here live.

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So, all of you replay watchers, hello. We're sad you're not here and that you're

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not able to be part of the breakouts tonight, but they're gonna be fun. Dating

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autopsy. Who is a, who did the homework and is willing to share the pattern that

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they found? Sandy, you're up. Go ahead and unmute yourself.

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Pattern I found is I shrink. I shrink myself. I shrink my personality so that

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they, so I can accommodate them. So, I found that I think almost in every

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relationship that I've had. So, one of the scripts that you probably found you

307
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were running is the chill girl script. Of course. Yeah. And also, it could be the

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scarcity script. Yeah, but I also have the fairy tale one too. Yeah. Let me ask you a

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question since you said the fairy tale script. Is it your fairy tale that, you

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know, that you would be with someone who wouldn't think that you're just as

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amazing as they are and you wouldn't be able to be yourself with? Does that sound

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like a good fairy tale? So, you're saying that like they wouldn't want to be with

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me or they would want to be with me? No, I'm just saying, do you think that it

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sounds like, if you're watching a movie, do you think that it would be romantic in

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a fairy tale if the guy was the main character and he got everything he

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wanted in life and he was celebrated and admired, but the woman was just this

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little mousy thing who, you know, there was nothing important or special about

318
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her and she just lived to, you know, kind of fan his flame? No, that's not, that's

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not cool. That's not romantic. But guys, unfortunately, we do kind of see this in

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Disney movies and a lot of romantic movies where it's like the woman is just

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hoping to be rescued. That's all she really wants is just to be rescued and

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then the knight shines shining armor, rides in and rescues her and, you know,

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that's it. It's a situation where it's just like, oh, you know, I'm just a damsel

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in distress and I need to be rescued and then I get rescued and it's just like,

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okay, now what? Now I'm just some dude's wife. Okay, so friends, we've got to undo

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those scripts because God created us in his image. Male and female, did he create

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them? What does that mean? That means that we're equally powerful in God. That we're

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two different halves of a complete vision of what God looks like. And so

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it's important that we not only have both of us, but we have both of us

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showing up as who God created us to be as men and as women. And the reason why I

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say that is because remember, the curse didn't just separate us from God, it

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separated us from ourselves, like our true identities as men and women, and

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then it also separated us from each other. So Sandy, thank you for sharing.

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Nicole, you're up.

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Hey, can you hear me all right?

336
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I can.

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Okay, perfect. In my final analysis, the big one that I saw, well, two, scarcity,

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but the bigger one was passive faith. Just believing, you know, hey, when it's

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supposed to happen, it's going to happen. It doesn't matter what I do, it's just

340
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going to come about in the right time. And so I think that one's definitely

341
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held me back. And I think that comes from like just growing up and the Bible

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In church culture over the past, you know, my whole life really, I'm in my early 40s now, but

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church culture and people telling you, oh, it's just going to happen when it's time and

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believing in. Okay, so I want to ask you, I would love to ask you a couple of questions about that.

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Okay. Sure. So Nicole, how old are you? I'm 42. Okay. And have you ever been married? No. Have

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you ever been close to being married? No, ma'am. Okay. So how frustrating is the idea that

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it's just going to show up in God's time and no one knows what that is. Cause that's a mystery.

348
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And if it's meant to happen, it will happen. I mean, doesn't that, isn't that so like,

349
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it's disempowering. Yeah. And it doesn't, it has, it has it, I'm not gonna put words in your mouth,

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but has it at any point in time made you kind of mad at God? Yeah. You got three times like God,

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you know, why are you holding out? Like, I think I'm a great person. And why hasn't this happened

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yet? So you have to work through those emotions and then kind of say, okay, what do I need to do

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different? And that's why I love your program. It's definitely helping me with like learning

354
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how to change and learning how to take responsibility. I'm not all the way there,

355
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but at least it's helping me to start changing mindsets and seeing things differently than I

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have in the past. And you're talking about last year single. Yes, ma'am. Okay. And you're talking

357
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about getting out of this proverbial waiting room and actually taking accountability for your own

358
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love story. All right, girl. I love it. You guys passive faith script is so frustrating because it

359
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looks good on the outside. It's like, Oh, we're surrendering to God. We're surrendering to his

360
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will, not our will. And because that is not what scripture tells us to do in our lives,

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not just our love lives, but in any area of our life, it tells us to, to, to, uh, actively partner

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with our faith by doing corresponding action. In fact, the Bible says that faith without

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corresponding action is dead religion. It's just dead religion. Meaning it's not going to

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bear any fruit. It's just, you know, it's just going through the motion. It's just rituals.

365
00:22:03.120 --> 00:22:09.360
It's just noise. Okay. You'll know that scripture as faith without works is dead, but if you expand

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it into its actual meaning for us Americans that had ancient languages translated into English,

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it's important to understand that it's saying faith, which can what move mountains. If you

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have even a little bit of it is without corresponding action works, any kind of works,

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no works that correspond to the faith. Meaning if you believe this, it should look like something

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belief requires action. So if I believe this, then my action is going to correspond to my belief.

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And then that is what's going to give the breakthrough. Okay. It's one of those situations

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where, you know, one waters and plants. What is that? You guys, would we, would we put seed in

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the ground? Will we plant it in the ground? Will we water it? If we didn't believe that somehow

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that seed grows into a tree, it grows into a, it grows into a crop. No, we wouldn't do that.

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But because we have faith that that seed does that we plant it and we water it, but it says,

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who gives the increase God who provides the fruit of our action. God, do you guys see how important

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that is? Would you ever have a crop? If you didn't plant in water, would you, if you didn't

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plant and someone waters, if there isn't any planting doing, if there isn't any watering

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happening, then guess what? You can sit outside all day long and look at your fields and say,

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God, I'm just believing you for increase. It's not that God can't cause miraculous increase without

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our action, but he very rarely does. I just want to let you know that if you look in the Bible and

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you read all the stories, you will see that humans did their part and God did his. Humans did their

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part. Even if the human part was weird, even if the human part was, Hey, go borrow some, go borrow

384
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some vases from your friends and start filling up them with oil. Even though you've only got a

385
00:23:59.600 --> 00:24:07.680
little bottle of oil to start filling them up. Yeah. That's kind of cuckoo. Hey, you know, get,

386
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bring me that fish and bread. You know, I'm going to feed this whole group of people. Okay. You know,

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I got to bring that to you, Jesus. I got to, you know, I got to go wash myself in the Jordan,

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that dirty, nasty river. Why? Because I'm doing my part. You guys, you will see that there is

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God's part in our part. And when those things come together, that's when the miraculous happens.

390
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All right. That was beautiful. Thank you. And Kim, you're next.

391
00:24:32.240 --> 00:24:41.760
Oh, sorry. Um, I would say my pattern is probably looking for rejection and finding avoidant guys,

392
00:24:41.760 --> 00:24:47.280
or if they are interested, then pushing them away and maybe sabotaging it subconsciously.

393
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:52.720
All right. So they like you and then you

394
00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:56.240
push them away. How do you push them away? What does that look like?

395
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.320
Actually, one of my exes told me that he thinks he feels like I'm doing how to lose a guy

396
00:25:05.320 --> 00:25:06.320
in 10 days.

397
00:25:06.320 --> 00:25:10.480
So I think, um, I think I'm more comfortable with rejection.

398
00:25:10.480 --> 00:25:16.180
And so if, if it's, if someone's interested, I'm just looking at how I can turn it into

399
00:25:16.180 --> 00:25:17.780
something I'm comfortable with.

400
00:25:17.780 --> 00:25:25.720
So pushing them away, um, by being jealous or, um, maybe controlling or I don't know,

401
00:25:25.720 --> 00:25:26.720
demanding.

402
00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:27.720
Okay.

403
00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:32.040
So you actually do something like that movie, how to lose a guy in 10 days, you do something

404
00:25:32.040 --> 00:25:34.160
that actually drives them away.

405
00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:35.160
Yeah.

406
00:25:35.160 --> 00:25:36.880
Not to that degree, but yeah.

407
00:25:36.880 --> 00:25:37.880
Yeah.

408
00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:40.720
Well, you don't, you don't buy a fern and call it your baby.

409
00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:41.720
Okay.

410
00:25:41.720 --> 00:25:42.720
All right.

411
00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:46.200
Our love fern.

412
00:25:46.200 --> 00:25:47.200
This is our love fern.

413
00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:48.200
Okay.

414
00:25:48.200 --> 00:25:49.200
Yeah.

415
00:25:49.200 --> 00:25:50.200
Okay.

416
00:25:50.200 --> 00:25:51.200
Yes.

417
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:53.320
But what you're doing is, is you're, you know, you're doing something that a lot of

418
00:25:53.320 --> 00:25:54.760
anxious attachers do.

419
00:25:54.760 --> 00:25:58.600
You guys, if you come into the program last year, single, we will dig into your insecure

420
00:25:58.600 --> 00:25:59.600
attachment styles.

421
00:25:59.600 --> 00:26:03.560
For those of you that have them, we actually have a quiz so we can find out where you are

422
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on the spectrum.

423
00:26:04.560 --> 00:26:07.000
You guys attachment style is a spectrum.

424
00:26:07.000 --> 00:26:08.840
It's not a situation where it's one and done.

425
00:26:08.840 --> 00:26:09.840
It's a spectrum.

426
00:26:09.840 --> 00:26:11.600
Just like love languages is also a spectrum.

427
00:26:11.600 --> 00:26:15.920
I think you should have all five love languages and I think there's more than five, but people

428
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:18.040
are said, Oh, I'm just this.

429
00:26:18.040 --> 00:26:19.040
This is it.

430
00:26:19.040 --> 00:26:20.040
This is the only place.

431
00:26:20.040 --> 00:26:21.040
That's the only way that I feel love.

432
00:26:21.040 --> 00:26:23.680
Well, it might be the primary way that you feel loved, but you should feel loved by all

433
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:25.400
the other ones as well.

434
00:26:25.400 --> 00:26:26.400
Okay.

435
00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:29.360
You should, you should be multifaceted in your love language.

436
00:26:29.360 --> 00:26:32.840
You should be able to be touched for those people that say, well, you know, touch isn't

437
00:26:32.840 --> 00:26:33.840
my love language.

438
00:26:33.840 --> 00:26:39.280
No, you're a human being that it's been scientifically proven that if we don't get touched and touched

439
00:26:39.280 --> 00:26:43.440
often, we begin to die.

440
00:26:43.440 --> 00:26:47.520
Did you guys know that longevity depends on you being touched?

441
00:26:47.520 --> 00:26:49.920
It's part of the longevity model.

442
00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:50.920
Gotta be touched.

443
00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:56.600
Do you guys know that they have professional cuddlers?

444
00:26:56.600 --> 00:26:59.280
I saw this documentary about people that are professional cuddlers.

445
00:26:59.280 --> 00:27:03.600
There's nothing sexual about it, but these are people that will actually, just like having

446
00:27:03.600 --> 00:27:08.520
a massage and you know, for you singles that can afford it, I really tell you, go get massages

447
00:27:08.520 --> 00:27:12.160
as much as possible because someone's touching you and it's good for you to be touched.

448
00:27:12.160 --> 00:27:14.180
It's good for you to be rubbed non-sexually.

449
00:27:14.180 --> 00:27:17.240
It's good for you to have non-sexual touch, right?

450
00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:20.800
If you have friends, you guys don't be afraid to hug them and hug them tight.

451
00:27:20.800 --> 00:27:24.440
Professional people, when you need a hug, hey, I just really need a hug, will you give

452
00:27:24.440 --> 00:27:25.440
me a hug?

453
00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:28.560
I just really need to be hugged right now, but these professional cuddlers, you can make

454
00:27:28.560 --> 00:27:32.160
an appointment just like you would getting a massage and they will just, you just go

455
00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:33.160
take a nap with them.

456
00:27:33.160 --> 00:27:35.360
You just go cuddle, you know, just go cuddle them.

457
00:27:35.360 --> 00:27:36.360
That's what you do.

458
00:27:36.360 --> 00:27:37.360
There's cuddles.

459
00:27:37.360 --> 00:27:43.160
Okay, so I think that it's a spectrum attachment style, but what she's talking about is on

460
00:27:43.160 --> 00:27:47.440
the spectrum of the insecure attachment style called anxious attachment.

461
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:51.280
What anxious attachers will do is they're so afraid of being abandoned.

462
00:27:51.280 --> 00:27:55.520
They're so afraid of someone betraying them or hurting them or abandoning them, rejecting

463
00:27:55.520 --> 00:27:58.160
them that they actually cause it to happen.

464
00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:00.200
It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

465
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:04.660
They'll actually start to exhibit behavior that drives people away from them because

466
00:28:04.660 --> 00:28:09.000
they're so afraid that people are going to leave.

467
00:28:09.000 --> 00:28:15.160
And I know that sounds very, you know, counterintuitive, but obviously they're not doing it on purpose.

468
00:28:15.160 --> 00:28:20.360
And so helping you to address your insecure attachment and where it comes from is something

469
00:28:20.360 --> 00:28:22.240
that I specialize in.

470
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:26.800
In fact, I'm close to getting my certification in attachment styles and then I'll be doing

471
00:28:26.800 --> 00:28:31.440
a lot more attachment coaching once I do that, but we do a lot of it already in Last Year

472
00:28:31.440 --> 00:28:32.440
Single.

473
00:28:32.440 --> 00:28:34.880
All right, so that's beautiful.

474
00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:37.040
And now that you see it, you can't unsee it.

475
00:28:37.040 --> 00:28:40.720
I know that you already knew you were doing it, but a lot of times we can see what we're

476
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:42.360
doing, but we don't know why.

477
00:28:42.360 --> 00:28:44.920
We don't know the why behind the what.

478
00:28:44.920 --> 00:28:45.920
And this is what I want to say to you.

479
00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:48.920
I said this to my niece today when we were in the car coming home from church.

480
00:28:48.920 --> 00:28:50.640
I'm going to say it to you.

481
00:28:50.640 --> 00:28:52.680
Trauma doesn't just hurt us.

482
00:28:52.680 --> 00:28:54.760
It creates different versions of us.

483
00:28:54.760 --> 00:28:56.440
Go ahead and write that down.

484
00:28:56.440 --> 00:28:59.400
That's from my heart work in Last Year Single.

485
00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:00.400
It's from my book.

486
00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:04.240
It's from the coaching and the curriculum.

487
00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:05.240
Trauma doesn't just hurt you.

488
00:29:05.240 --> 00:29:07.120
It creates a different version of you.

489
00:29:07.120 --> 00:29:09.200
And this is where insecure attachment styles come from.

490
00:29:09.200 --> 00:29:10.640
They come from trauma.

491
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:14.280
Whether that's in the womb, whether that's generational trauma, whether that's trauma

492
00:29:14.600 --> 00:29:20.320
from relationship that you know about that you've been through, it creates insecure attachment.

493
00:29:20.320 --> 00:29:23.760
And often attachment is formed by five years old.

494
00:29:23.760 --> 00:29:29.660
So it's going to be something that, you know, was programmed into you early in life.

495
00:29:29.660 --> 00:29:35.360
Even maybe from the womb, it might be the way that your parents attach to you, to others.

496
00:29:35.360 --> 00:29:40.440
It just kind of inherited it from them because you learn how to attach by watching them.

497
00:29:40.440 --> 00:29:41.840
Maybe no trauma happened to you.

498
00:29:41.840 --> 00:29:44.840
You just have a traumatized parent that went through a lot of things.

499
00:29:44.840 --> 00:29:45.840
So trauma doesn't just hurt us.

500
00:29:45.840 --> 00:29:49.120
It creates different versions of us.

501
00:29:49.120 --> 00:29:52.880
And those different versions of us are why we're not living big, abundant, beautiful

502
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:53.880
lives.

503
00:29:53.880 --> 00:29:57.240
Because it's not the trauma that's going to keep you from living a big, beautiful life

504
00:29:57.240 --> 00:29:58.960
that God planned for you.

505
00:29:58.960 --> 00:30:00.040
It's the lies that you.

506
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.640
believe because of the trauma.

507
00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:05.640
You guys know that's true.

508
00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:06.920
Very true.

509
00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:07.160
Right.

510
00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:09.800
So we got to get, we got to get to the root of that, you guys.

511
00:30:09.800 --> 00:30:11.440
And that's not just inner healing.

512
00:30:11.800 --> 00:30:15.160
Um, that's a lot of different things kind of rolled up into one thing

513
00:30:15.160 --> 00:30:17.240
that we call heart work or soul work.

514
00:30:17.300 --> 00:30:17.820
Okay.

515
00:30:18.040 --> 00:30:19.120
So thanks for sharing.

516
00:30:19.360 --> 00:30:20.280
Um, who's next.

517
00:30:24.280 --> 00:30:25.040
I can go next.

518
00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:29.600
You guys, the, the replays are intuitive.

519
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:33.600
They're right at the top of the app in the toolbar.

520
00:30:34.560 --> 00:30:37.360
So you might need to refresh your app.

521
00:30:37.380 --> 00:30:41.880
You might need to maybe download the newest version of it from the, from the

522
00:30:41.880 --> 00:30:46.840
store, but right here at the very top, you see community, you see announcements,

523
00:30:46.860 --> 00:30:49.720
you see courses, you see replays.

524
00:30:49.740 --> 00:30:52.080
It's an actual category all by itself.

525
00:30:52.080 --> 00:30:57.960
And if you hit replays, you're going to see my internet.

526
00:30:58.320 --> 00:31:03.320
You're going to see the replays for all five of our live sessions here.

527
00:31:03.520 --> 00:31:05.600
Well, if you're not going to see all five of them yet, but when they're

528
00:31:05.600 --> 00:31:06.560
there, you're going to see them.

529
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:10.400
Okay.

530
00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:14.560
The most recent version of last year, single app is 5.8 0.1.

531
00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:17.360
You can see at the bottom of your profile.

532
00:31:17.360 --> 00:31:20.160
And so if you don't have that, that might be why you're not

533
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:21.500
seeing replays for some reason.

534
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:22.920
So go to the app store.

535
00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:26.720
Obviously the app is free download the most recent version of it

536
00:31:26.720 --> 00:31:28.160
so that you can get caught up.

537
00:31:28.440 --> 00:31:28.960
All right.

538
00:31:29.000 --> 00:31:29.360
Okay.

539
00:31:29.760 --> 00:31:30.120
All right.

540
00:31:30.160 --> 00:31:31.720
I just want everyone to get on the same page.

541
00:31:31.720 --> 00:31:37.000
And I see a lot of chitter chatter in the, in the comments about replays.

542
00:31:37.080 --> 00:31:38.840
I want you to be able to get those replays.

543
00:31:38.960 --> 00:31:39.320
All right.

544
00:31:39.720 --> 00:31:40.000
Okay.

545
00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:41.480
You guys, this is really good stuff.

546
00:31:41.480 --> 00:31:42.720
I'm going to take a couple more.

547
00:31:42.760 --> 00:31:45.400
Uh, who, who was just talking?

548
00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:46.240
Who did I just talk to?

549
00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:47.600
Was it Lisa or was it someone else?

550
00:31:47.920 --> 00:31:48.840
Yeah, I was not.

551
00:31:48.840 --> 00:31:50.200
I think that's what I thought.

552
00:31:50.520 --> 00:31:50.760
Yeah.

553
00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:51.360
Okay.

554
00:31:51.800 --> 00:31:56.640
Um, so yeah, the two that really came out for me, um, definitely

555
00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:58.320
passive faith, I resonate with that.

556
00:31:58.440 --> 00:32:00.920
Um, being a lifelong Christian, but also scarcity.

557
00:32:01.360 --> 00:32:03.760
Um, I had dealt with anxiety throughout my life off and on.

558
00:32:03.760 --> 00:32:05.960
And so there was a message that I told myself that who

559
00:32:05.960 --> 00:32:06.920
would want to deal with that.

560
00:32:07.360 --> 00:32:11.480
And I feel like through my own face, but also through like nervous

561
00:32:11.480 --> 00:32:14.720
system work and all of that, I feel like I've really come through a lot of that.

562
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:19.480
It's still not fully, but it's significantly like night and day different.

563
00:32:19.840 --> 00:32:22.280
Um, like I don't even look like the same person in my family.

564
00:32:23.080 --> 00:32:24.080
Um, awesome.

565
00:32:24.200 --> 00:32:24.520
Yeah.

566
00:32:24.920 --> 00:32:28.920
I went from like the glue that held my family together is what I was told.

567
00:32:30.280 --> 00:32:30.800
Okay.

568
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:31.360
Yeah.

569
00:32:31.560 --> 00:32:34.680
You guys, a lot of scripts, a lot of, lot of, uh, family.

570
00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:40.160
Um, you know, the, not just origin family dynamics, but also our place in the

571
00:32:40.160 --> 00:32:43.920
origin family birth order plays into things, but Lisa, I was just going to

572
00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:45.720
tell you that that's my story as well.

573
00:32:45.760 --> 00:32:49.520
Um, I dealt with severe mental health issues starting at about 20 years old.

574
00:32:49.720 --> 00:32:51.240
I met Jesus at 22.

575
00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:54.600
It didn't just magically get better as people think that everything should,

576
00:32:54.600 --> 00:32:58.280
when you meet Jesus, everything is magically better, the perseverance and

577
00:32:58.280 --> 00:33:01.880
the grace to deal with what I was going through obviously went to a whole other

578
00:33:01.880 --> 00:33:02.360
level.

579
00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:06.480
There was lots of different breakthroughs that I had over the course of time, but

580
00:33:06.480 --> 00:33:11.360
I did not believe that anyone would want to sign up to deal with someone who had

581
00:33:11.360 --> 00:33:15.800
the kinds of mental health, uh, diagnoses and issues that I had specifically

582
00:33:15.800 --> 00:33:20.480
anxiety disorder, panic disorder, um, obsessive compulsive disorder, some

583
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:24.560
different things that were, um, you know, really plaguing me, especially in my

584
00:33:24.560 --> 00:33:27.840
twenties and into my early thirties.

585
00:33:27.920 --> 00:33:34.440
But my current husband of 20 years, when I tried to tell him about why he

586
00:33:34.440 --> 00:33:37.760
shouldn't want to be with me, hopefully this is encouraging to you.

587
00:33:38.120 --> 00:33:39.080
Um, he knew me.

588
00:33:39.080 --> 00:33:39.320
Okay.

589
00:33:39.320 --> 00:33:41.240
It wasn't like a first date conversation.

590
00:33:41.240 --> 00:33:42.480
We were next door neighbors.

591
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:44.240
We had known each other for months and months.

592
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:45.840
We had done carpools together.

593
00:33:46.080 --> 00:33:47.600
We had watched each other's children.

594
00:33:47.600 --> 00:33:53.120
We'd spent many times talking with each other and spending time as, you know, as

595
00:33:53.360 --> 00:33:55.960
co-parent neighbors and different things.

596
00:33:56.240 --> 00:34:00.160
Um, but when he expressed interest in me romantically, I was very quick to let him

597
00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:04.560
know what was wrong with me and why that shouldn't be something he's interested in

598
00:34:04.560 --> 00:34:05.000
doing.

599
00:34:05.360 --> 00:34:12.800
And he absolutely was, um, you know, not interested in my opinion of that.

600
00:34:13.080 --> 00:34:16.320
So he wasn't even the least bit deterred by that.

601
00:34:16.320 --> 00:34:19.080
And so I just want to let you know, there's a lot of people out there that are not

602
00:34:19.080 --> 00:34:22.800
just trauma informed, not that he was, but they're very compassionate.

603
00:34:22.800 --> 00:34:27.760
And I believe with all my heart that our spirit mates, not that there's one of one

604
00:34:27.760 --> 00:34:33.159
for all of us, you know, the, the one, but I do believe that there are people that we

605
00:34:33.159 --> 00:34:39.960
will meet that have absolute grace and compassion for our situations, for the

606
00:34:39.960 --> 00:34:45.719
situations that we've been in in the past, and that are able to hold space with us and

607
00:34:45.719 --> 00:34:48.400
be in relationship with us and even marriage with us.

608
00:34:49.120 --> 00:34:49.960
Does that sound good?

609
00:34:50.600 --> 00:34:55.280
So regardless of that is whether you have some sort of physical situation, like a

610
00:34:55.280 --> 00:35:00.080
disease, a diagnosis, whether it is you have some sort of mental health situation.

611
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.620
whether it is that you have some sort of venereal,

612
00:35:02.620 --> 00:35:06.320
sexually transmitted disease that is incurable,

613
00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:07.820
according to the doctors,

614
00:35:07.820 --> 00:35:11.080
whether that's you have a former spouse

615
00:35:11.080 --> 00:35:13.840
that is horrible to deal with,

616
00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:17.120
someone who they have unmedicated mental health issues

617
00:35:17.120 --> 00:35:18.360
or personality disorders,

618
00:35:18.360 --> 00:35:19.460
and you've got to deal with them

619
00:35:19.460 --> 00:35:20.920
because you have small kids,

620
00:35:20.920 --> 00:35:22.240
you have years and years and years

621
00:35:22.240 --> 00:35:24.040
to deal with all the drama and conflict

622
00:35:24.040 --> 00:35:25.800
that they bring to the family,

623
00:35:25.800 --> 00:35:27.820
and they're like, oh, no one's going to want to marry me

624
00:35:27.820 --> 00:35:29.920
because they're not going to want to marry me

625
00:35:29.940 --> 00:35:32.620
because I have to deal with my former spouse.

626
00:35:32.620 --> 00:35:36.300
Whether it is a situation where you have children,

627
00:35:36.300 --> 00:35:37.580
maybe lots of children,

628
00:35:37.580 --> 00:35:40.180
maybe children by different fathers,

629
00:35:40.180 --> 00:35:42.700
gentlemen, you have children maybe by different mothers,

630
00:35:42.700 --> 00:35:45.780
maybe, gentlemen, you have child support

631
00:35:45.780 --> 00:35:48.300
that is like a large sum that you have to pay

632
00:35:48.300 --> 00:35:49.420
and you're going to have to be paying it

633
00:35:49.420 --> 00:35:50.260
for years and years,

634
00:35:50.260 --> 00:35:52.180
like no woman's going to want to sign up for that.

635
00:35:52.180 --> 00:35:53.780
Maybe you have adopted children.

636
00:35:53.780 --> 00:35:55.840
I have so many women and men that come

637
00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:57.300
and they haven't gotten married

638
00:35:57.300 --> 00:35:58.140
and they're in their 40s,

639
00:35:58.160 --> 00:35:59.520
so they decide to either,

640
00:36:01.160 --> 00:36:02.960
they decide to foster or adopt,

641
00:36:02.960 --> 00:36:03.800
and then they're like,

642
00:36:03.800 --> 00:36:05.400
I don't know if anyone's going to want to sign up

643
00:36:05.400 --> 00:36:07.800
for fostering and adopting with me

644
00:36:07.800 --> 00:36:09.600
because I already made this decision for myself

645
00:36:09.600 --> 00:36:12.920
and maybe no one's going to want to get on board with that.

646
00:36:12.920 --> 00:36:14.760
I named all of those scenarios

647
00:36:14.760 --> 00:36:16.200
and I could name a lot more,

648
00:36:16.200 --> 00:36:17.480
and the reason why I named them

649
00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:19.140
is because I have seen success stories

650
00:36:19.140 --> 00:36:20.640
in all of those areas.

651
00:36:20.640 --> 00:36:24.600
I have seen people with terminal brain cancer get engaged.

652
00:36:25.380 --> 00:36:26.220
Okay?

653
00:36:26.220 --> 00:36:27.700
I have seen people

654
00:36:27.700 --> 00:36:30.020
with all kinds of different health diagnoses,

655
00:36:30.020 --> 00:36:32.600
whether it's autism, whether it's ADHD,

656
00:36:32.600 --> 00:36:35.100
whether it's mental health stuff,

657
00:36:35.100 --> 00:36:37.140
whether it's physical body stuff.

658
00:36:37.140 --> 00:36:40.520
I've seen people who can't walk that are paralyzed.

659
00:36:40.520 --> 00:36:43.220
I've seen people with numerous children,

660
00:36:43.220 --> 00:36:46.460
numerous mistakes in the past with relationships,

661
00:36:46.460 --> 00:36:48.420
all kinds of conflicts, dramas.

662
00:36:48.420 --> 00:36:49.620
I've seen it all.

663
00:36:49.620 --> 00:36:52.260
So you can't ever show up here and tell me

664
00:36:52.280 --> 00:36:55.520
that your love story can't overcome

665
00:36:55.520 --> 00:36:57.360
whatever circumstances you may have

666
00:36:57.360 --> 00:36:58.720
because I already know different

667
00:36:58.720 --> 00:37:00.080
because I've already seen it.

668
00:37:00.080 --> 00:37:01.320
I'm not even wishful thinking.

669
00:37:01.320 --> 00:37:03.720
I'm not even believing in faith.

670
00:37:03.720 --> 00:37:05.240
I've already just seen it.

671
00:37:05.240 --> 00:37:08.840
It's not just possible, it's probable because it's happened.

672
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:11.000
So hopefully that's encouraging to someone,

673
00:37:11.000 --> 00:37:12.280
but thank you for sharing that

674
00:37:12.280 --> 00:37:14.580
and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that

675
00:37:14.580 --> 00:37:16.000
because there's so many people in here

676
00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:18.200
that probably are rowing that boat with you.

677
00:37:18.200 --> 00:37:19.840
All right, Noel, what do you got?

678
00:37:20.700 --> 00:37:22.860
Oh, so two things.

679
00:37:22.860 --> 00:37:25.360
The passive faith script stuck out to me

680
00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:28.720
and the scarcity script stuck out to me.

681
00:37:29.900 --> 00:37:32.380
Wait, in your dating autopsy?

682
00:37:32.380 --> 00:37:37.380
I'd say in past relationship autopsy.

683
00:37:37.820 --> 00:37:39.220
And when I look at other past,

684
00:37:39.220 --> 00:37:40.980
I haven't been in that many relationships,

685
00:37:40.980 --> 00:37:45.500
but in the couple of relationships that I did have,

686
00:37:45.500 --> 00:37:48.780
I also noticed that in periods of really high stress,

687
00:37:48.800 --> 00:37:53.560
I became super clingy, like unhealthily clingy.

688
00:37:53.560 --> 00:37:58.560
And that like usually caused a catastrophic ending.

689
00:37:59.000 --> 00:37:59.840
So when I-

690
00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:00.660
Let me ask you this,

691
00:38:00.660 --> 00:38:01.920
were you having stress in your own life

692
00:38:01.920 --> 00:38:02.760
going through something

693
00:38:02.760 --> 00:38:04.300
and then you became kind of codependent

694
00:38:04.300 --> 00:38:06.080
or you're saying that the stress,

695
00:38:06.080 --> 00:38:08.640
the relationship was stressful and then you became clingy?

696
00:38:08.640 --> 00:38:09.840
I'm just trying to understand.

697
00:38:09.840 --> 00:38:13.320
Like stress in my life and then I became clingy.

698
00:38:13.320 --> 00:38:15.800
Okay, so you were going through something hard in your life

699
00:38:15.800 --> 00:38:18.000
and so you try to kind of hold on to them

700
00:38:18.020 --> 00:38:19.340
to kind of keep you afloat

701
00:38:19.340 --> 00:38:21.180
because you felt like you were sinking.

702
00:38:22.300 --> 00:38:23.740
And that's normal, right?

703
00:38:24.940 --> 00:38:26.300
You know, that's normal.

704
00:38:26.300 --> 00:38:28.400
And here's one thing that I want to say about this,

705
00:38:28.400 --> 00:38:30.060
because I think all of you need to know this,

706
00:38:30.060 --> 00:38:34.260
is that while that may be difficult

707
00:38:35.540 --> 00:38:38.460
in a new relationship or early in relationship,

708
00:38:38.460 --> 00:38:42.560
that might be a situation where the relationship

709
00:38:42.560 --> 00:38:46.900
is not strong enough to handle that, okay?

710
00:38:46.920 --> 00:38:50.640
But that absolutely will be part of marriage,

711
00:38:50.640 --> 00:38:53.140
where one of you is weak, the other one is strong.

712
00:38:54.300 --> 00:38:55.920
Like when my mom got really sick

713
00:38:55.920 --> 00:38:59.160
and she was, you know, essentially transitioning, dying,

714
00:38:59.160 --> 00:39:00.520
you know, I don't like to use the word dying

715
00:39:00.520 --> 00:39:03.960
because I don't believe that we die, we transition, okay?

716
00:39:03.960 --> 00:39:05.280
None of us are gonna die.

717
00:39:05.280 --> 00:39:07.920
Jesus took the keys of death and hell.

718
00:39:07.920 --> 00:39:09.440
Yeah, we're gonna leave these bodies,

719
00:39:09.440 --> 00:39:10.400
but we're not gonna die.

720
00:39:10.400 --> 00:39:12.800
There's no such thing as death anymore, okay?

721
00:39:12.800 --> 00:39:14.200
So while my mom was leaving

722
00:39:14.200 --> 00:39:15.600
and transitioning from this earth,

723
00:39:15.600 --> 00:39:17.340
it was really rough, it was really hard,

724
00:39:17.340 --> 00:39:20.340
she was really fragile, she was really ill,

725
00:39:20.340 --> 00:39:22.140
and I really leaned into my husband,

726
00:39:22.140 --> 00:39:23.660
I leaned into him a lot.

727
00:39:23.660 --> 00:39:26.060
I was very needy, I was very codependent,

728
00:39:26.060 --> 00:39:27.960
if you like that word.

729
00:39:27.960 --> 00:39:29.700
In fact, I wasn't interdependent.

730
00:39:29.700 --> 00:39:31.120
You guys, when we're strong in marriage,

731
00:39:31.120 --> 00:39:32.220
I want you to pay attention to this,

732
00:39:32.220 --> 00:39:33.780
this is really important, okay?

733
00:39:35.180 --> 00:39:37.300
When you're strong in marriage,

734
00:39:37.300 --> 00:39:39.940
there's no circumstances coming against you,

735
00:39:39.940 --> 00:39:42.360
you're interdependent with your spouse.

736
00:39:42.360 --> 00:39:43.660
You're both pulling your weight,

737
00:39:43.680 --> 00:39:45.600
you guys are both doing what you do,

738
00:39:45.600 --> 00:39:47.380
all the things are happening,

739
00:39:47.380 --> 00:39:50.160
you're partnered, and it's an equal partnership

740
00:39:50.160 --> 00:39:53.080
for the most part, it should be, you want it to be.

741
00:39:53.080 --> 00:39:55.520
But then life happens, and one of you,

742
00:39:55.520 --> 00:39:57.280
and this is what I love about God,

743
00:39:57.280 --> 00:39:58.680
it's not gonna, you're not gonna be down

744
00:39:58.680 --> 00:40:00.240
at the same time, most likely.

745
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.720
When one of you starts to deal with something, okay, whatever that thing is,

746
00:40:04.920 --> 00:40:06.960
the other person is kind of going to hold you up.

747
00:40:06.960 --> 00:40:10.680
Doesn't the Bible say it's better that you go together because if one of you

748
00:40:10.680 --> 00:40:13.360
falls in the ditch, the other one can pull out, pull you out.

749
00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:16.120
Doesn't it say that doesn't say two is better than one.

750
00:40:16.920 --> 00:40:19.560
One can put to flight a thousand, but two, 10,000,

751
00:40:19.720 --> 00:40:22.680
it's important that we understand that partnership is important.

752
00:40:23.080 --> 00:40:26.440
Agreement is important. You know, marriage is important,

753
00:40:26.760 --> 00:40:31.080
but unlike every other relationship you'll ever have in your life,

754
00:40:31.080 --> 00:40:35.200
it's where the two become one, you become one.

755
00:40:35.560 --> 00:40:38.680
And so here's what I want to say to you is that once you get married,

756
00:40:38.680 --> 00:40:42.920
it's no longer about what's happening to them. It's happening to both of you.

757
00:40:44.120 --> 00:40:44.520
Right?

758
00:40:44.520 --> 00:40:49.200
And so you're going to sometimes have to lean on the

759
00:40:49.200 --> 00:40:53.160
strengths of your spouse, whether it's a man, you know, guys,

760
00:40:53.160 --> 00:40:56.200
whether it's a woman, ladies, whether, you know, you're, you know,

761
00:40:56.880 --> 00:40:59.760
I know we always think of men as being the strong ones that are going to carry us

762
00:40:59.760 --> 00:41:00.520
through hard times,

763
00:41:00.520 --> 00:41:04.360
but women also are the strong ones and carry men through hard times as well.

764
00:41:04.600 --> 00:41:08.880
So just remember that that is the model and

765
00:41:08.880 --> 00:41:11.800
understanding that it's okay to lean in.

766
00:41:11.800 --> 00:41:16.360
It's okay to be needy in your marriage, um,

767
00:41:16.400 --> 00:41:20.000
at certain in certain seasons and for certain and for certain things. Okay.

768
00:41:20.360 --> 00:41:25.360
So Jennifer, you are most likely just doing that because you're just mostly

769
00:41:25.400 --> 00:41:29.000
doing, you're most likely doing that before the relationship was strong enough

770
00:41:29.000 --> 00:41:29.840
to handle it.

771
00:41:30.520 --> 00:41:34.280
And so what I want to say to all of you is that in those early seasons of

772
00:41:34.280 --> 00:41:38.000
relationship, it's important that you lean into your, you know,

773
00:41:38.000 --> 00:41:39.520
the other people in your life,

774
00:41:40.680 --> 00:41:45.200
not into necessarily this person that you're just getting to know.

775
00:41:45.480 --> 00:41:48.320
Now you need to lean into them a little bit because if they don't got what it

776
00:41:48.320 --> 00:41:49.520
takes to be married,

777
00:41:49.520 --> 00:41:53.560
if they don't have what it takes to support at least somewhat during some kind

778
00:41:53.560 --> 00:41:56.080
of trial in your life, then they're not the right person for you.

779
00:41:56.640 --> 00:41:59.240
But you want to make sure that you're also leaning into people that know you

780
00:41:59.240 --> 00:42:03.280
well and people that can really truly support you during those times as well.

781
00:42:03.360 --> 00:42:04.800
Okay. All right. All right.

782
00:42:04.800 --> 00:42:09.240
You guys want to go ahead and push forward into the rest because we are getting

783
00:42:09.240 --> 00:42:13.000
up here at 45 minutes in. All right,

784
00:42:13.040 --> 00:42:14.640
let me just do this real quick.

785
00:42:23.560 --> 00:42:24.400
Okay. All right.

786
00:42:28.560 --> 00:42:32.560
I'm going to go ahead and put you guys in a breakout and I,

787
00:42:32.560 --> 00:42:36.400
for all of you that didn't get a chance to share just now, you're going to have,

788
00:42:36.400 --> 00:42:40.200
you're going to get a chance to share. Now do not suck all the air out of the

789
00:42:40.200 --> 00:42:42.280
room and do not be a yapper.

790
00:42:42.320 --> 00:42:46.720
Do not take up all the time because I'm only going to give you guys about six

791
00:42:46.720 --> 00:42:50.400
minutes and I just want you to share what's going on in your life right now.

792
00:42:50.720 --> 00:42:55.720
About six minutes and I just want you to share the pattern that you found and if

793
00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:57.040
you didn't do the homework,

794
00:42:57.040 --> 00:42:59.680
hopefully you were able to kind of do it in your head and say,

795
00:42:59.880 --> 00:43:01.840
I think this is my pattern. Okay.

796
00:43:02.240 --> 00:43:05.760
So let me go ahead and get y'all in these breakouts.

797
00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:10.960
Going to put, put two to three of you, maybe three to four of you in a room.

798
00:43:14.720 --> 00:43:19.720
Give everyone a chance to tell everybody else what's up.

799
00:43:20.720 --> 00:43:24.080
All right. All right.

800
00:43:24.080 --> 00:43:26.800
You're going to see if you've never done a breakout on zoom and a lot of you

801
00:43:26.800 --> 00:43:29.800
don't have your cameras on, I really encourage you to put your camera on.

802
00:43:30.600 --> 00:43:32.760
Um, your future spouse might be in here. All right.

803
00:43:32.760 --> 00:43:35.600
You probably want to put your camera on unless you're doing something crazy like

804
00:43:35.600 --> 00:43:39.280
taking a shower. Then let's go ahead. If you close her off, your cameras off.

805
00:43:39.600 --> 00:43:42.240
Okay. That's our rule of thumb around here.

806
00:43:42.840 --> 00:43:46.000
But when I put you in these breakout rooms, uh, before you go in,

807
00:43:46.000 --> 00:43:49.080
there's something that's going to pop up on your screen to say, you know,

808
00:43:49.080 --> 00:43:52.720
except going into the breakout room, you're going to have to say yes to that.

809
00:43:53.200 --> 00:43:54.040
And here we go.

810
00:44:19.080 --> 00:44:19.920
Okay.

811
00:44:32.280 --> 00:44:34.120
Welcome back everyone.

812
00:44:34.120 --> 00:44:38.640
We're going to give just a 26 seconds here for everyone to come in from their

813
00:44:38.640 --> 00:44:39.480
room.

814
00:44:39.480 --> 00:44:40.320
Okay.

815
00:44:48.600 --> 00:44:50.840
Hope you guys are all learning something great tonight,

816
00:44:50.920 --> 00:44:53.520
at least feeling encouraged, feeling empowered.

817
00:44:54.080 --> 00:44:56.600
That is all really important in this process.

818
00:44:58.640 --> 00:45:00.040
You guys come back in from.

819
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.720
Breakouts your mics will a lot of times be unmuted. So please be careful that you're not

820
00:45:06.240 --> 00:45:12.860
Talking saying something to someone or doing something that will make you feel embarrassed because you know, you're like

821
00:45:12.860 --> 00:45:14.860
Where's that noise coming from? You're like, oh, it's me

822
00:45:15.280 --> 00:45:20.240
So just be careful because a lot of times the mics will be unmuted when you get back in. All right

823
00:45:20.240 --> 00:45:25.760
We're all back in the room. Hello. Hello. Hopefully you guys had some good shares with each other

824
00:45:25.760 --> 00:45:26.880
I think that's awesome

825
00:45:26.880 --> 00:45:31.120
Right. So the very next thing that we want to go over is the reading

826
00:45:31.120 --> 00:45:35.640
We're gonna go over to some of what you read in this reading assignment for week two

827
00:45:35.640 --> 00:45:38.840
and the most important thing that we're gonna get over go over right now is that

828
00:45:39.200 --> 00:45:45.200
The way that dating apps have been created is they've actually been created to keep you on

829
00:45:45.480 --> 00:45:48.320
them and that shouldn't surprise any of you because

830
00:45:49.440 --> 00:45:50.440
capitalism

831
00:45:50.440 --> 00:45:51.680
right

832
00:45:51.680 --> 00:45:54.560
the dating app is not meant for you to

833
00:45:55.160 --> 00:45:57.640
Find someone and marry them and

834
00:45:58.560 --> 00:46:03.840
Discontinue your use of the dating app the dating app and this is a surprise for a lot of people

835
00:46:03.840 --> 00:46:09.860
But I write I write about this in the book. The dating app has been created with the same

836
00:46:10.380 --> 00:46:12.640
Psychology the engineers that created the apps

837
00:46:13.320 --> 00:46:19.560
Okay, the computer engineers that created the apps with the same psychology as a casino

838
00:46:20.320 --> 00:46:26.960
Play reward play reward play reward swipe reward pull the lever cronk reward, okay

839
00:46:28.680 --> 00:46:30.680
Some of you know what I'm talking about just now

840
00:46:31.720 --> 00:46:33.000
so

841
00:46:33.000 --> 00:46:40.640
That is what it's built on it wants you to feel confused at the myriad of options that it's giving you and

842
00:46:41.000 --> 00:46:46.760
That you stay swiping to try to find the perfect option to try to find the winner winner chicken dinner

843
00:46:46.760 --> 00:46:52.040
And even though you might get a date off of an app when you're on that date

844
00:46:52.040 --> 00:46:56.680
It wants you to have the fear that you're missing out on someone even better

845
00:46:57.080 --> 00:47:03.200
That you haven't met yet on the app and I talk about a I talk about a jelly

846
00:47:03.800 --> 00:47:06.360
Experiment. Did you guys all read about the jelly experiment?

847
00:47:07.600 --> 00:47:09.600
the jam experience

848
00:47:09.640 --> 00:47:13.120
The jam experiment a lot of people have probably never heard of that

849
00:47:13.120 --> 00:47:19.800
But if you're ever in a sociology class in college, you're going to learn about the jam experiment and basically

850
00:47:19.800 --> 00:47:23.160
It's an experiment that just shows us that humans

851
00:47:24.320 --> 00:47:26.320
Don't need a lot of options

852
00:47:26.320 --> 00:47:30.600
And I just want to let you know that I didn't even need the jam experiment to know that about myself

853
00:47:30.920 --> 00:47:33.960
All I need is Cheesecake Factory to know that about myself

854
00:47:34.920 --> 00:47:37.640
When I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I always get the same thing

855
00:47:37.640 --> 00:47:42.720
But I still spend 35 minutes looking at the very extensive

856
00:47:43.400 --> 00:47:45.160
20 page

857
00:47:45.160 --> 00:47:48.040
Menu that weighs about 45 pounds

858
00:47:49.800 --> 00:47:50.800
Okay

859
00:47:50.800 --> 00:47:52.800
And if you've been to the Cheesecake Factory, you know

860
00:47:52.800 --> 00:47:58.320
Even though you know that you're going to be a creature of habit and go ahead and order the same thing that you always order

861
00:47:58.600 --> 00:48:02.680
You're gonna see page after page after page. It's a heavy book of

862
00:48:02.720 --> 00:48:10.760
What American and Greek and Italian and Thai, you know and in Asian and Thai and this and that it's like how can one restaurant have the

863
00:48:11.680 --> 00:48:15.240
Audacity to think that it can do all these different genres of food

864
00:48:15.920 --> 00:48:19.920
You know that you're just gonna get the egg rolls. Okay, the avocado egg rolls

865
00:48:19.920 --> 00:48:25.400
You know, you're gonna get those and then you know that you're gonna get whatever else it is that you usually get at every restaurant

866
00:48:25.400 --> 00:48:27.800
the chicken dish the salmon dish the

867
00:48:27.840 --> 00:48:33.920
Salad okay, or a burger or a steak. That's what you're gonna get. Let's not kid ourselves here

868
00:48:33.920 --> 00:48:40.120
And so I didn't need the jam study the jam experiment to tell me that I'm indecisive

869
00:48:40.400 --> 00:48:46.640
But what the jam study shows us is that there aren't people that are indecisive and then other people that are really decisive

870
00:48:48.320 --> 00:48:50.320
Okay, there are people

871
00:48:50.960 --> 00:48:52.800
That are really

872
00:48:52.800 --> 00:48:56.920
Decisive and I'm going to teach you that this in the rest of this book club

873
00:48:57.840 --> 00:49:03.200
Because they're making decisions based on three to five criterias

874
00:49:06.000 --> 00:49:08.000
I'm gonna help you become a decider

875
00:49:08.960 --> 00:49:14.240
You're not gonna be dating like a disgruntled dater someone who has too many options someone who's confused

876
00:49:14.240 --> 00:49:19.320
You're not gonna be dating like a disgruntled dater. You're not gonna be dating like a

877
00:49:19.360 --> 00:49:26.400
Disgruntled dater someone who has too many options someone who's confused someone who doesn't know their own heart someone who's settling for less than what they

878
00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:34.720
Deserve you're gonna become a matchmaker your own matchmaker and then hopefully the matchmaker of other people around you in your community

879
00:49:36.080 --> 00:49:38.200
People and that are in proximity to you

880
00:49:39.440 --> 00:49:45.440
By what by finding out really what it is that you really need not the things you think you need not your

881
00:49:45.680 --> 00:49:48.640
Preferences and for those of you that just will take anything with a pulse

882
00:49:49.560 --> 00:49:51.560
Not just your desperation

883
00:49:52.080 --> 00:49:57.120
But what you really need in a partner and being able to check that off really quickly

884
00:49:57.120 --> 00:49:59.960
I know that a lot of dating coaches are like don't have a list don't have a

885
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.160
List, uh-uh, have a list, just have the right list.

886
00:50:04.080 --> 00:50:06.400
You have to have the right list.

887
00:50:06.400 --> 00:50:08.160
And ladies, unless you're six feet tall,

888
00:50:08.160 --> 00:50:09.840
I can't say six feet tall on it.

889
00:50:09.840 --> 00:50:12.580
That's preferences, that's not non-negotiables.

890
00:50:13.920 --> 00:50:16.760
If you're six feet tall, I'll let yours say six feet tall.

891
00:50:16.760 --> 00:50:19.120
I'll sign off on that being a non-negotiable

892
00:50:19.120 --> 00:50:20.280
because you a big girl.

893
00:50:21.660 --> 00:50:23.520
But I'm 5'10 and I'm married to a man

894
00:50:23.520 --> 00:50:26.560
who thinks he's 5'8, but he's probably 5'7 1⁄2

895
00:50:26.560 --> 00:50:28.240
and you know what, it works.

896
00:50:30.560 --> 00:50:32.880
He's, he's my admin tonight

897
00:50:32.880 --> 00:50:34.960
because my usual admin is off with family

898
00:50:34.960 --> 00:50:37.400
and I hear him over here going, that's not true.

899
00:50:39.760 --> 00:50:42.600
All right, he's 5'8, he's 5'8.

900
00:50:43.480 --> 00:50:46.920
And in his cowboy boots, he's 5'9.

901
00:50:49.220 --> 00:50:52.400
I have a theory, ladies, that all men are 5'8, okay?

902
00:50:52.400 --> 00:50:53.400
So just give it up.

903
00:50:54.960 --> 00:50:58.880
Okay, so it's important that we understand

904
00:50:58.880 --> 00:51:02.840
that we can have a list and we get our list

905
00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:07.200
of non-negotiables based on really knowing ourselves,

906
00:51:08.360 --> 00:51:10.160
not what we need because of trauma,

907
00:51:10.160 --> 00:51:12.260
not what we need because we need to feel safe,

908
00:51:12.260 --> 00:51:13.760
not because we need because of this,

909
00:51:13.760 --> 00:51:18.060
but because what we really need in a spouse, in a partner.

910
00:51:19.080 --> 00:51:22.020
For instance, for those of you that have children,

911
00:51:22.020 --> 00:51:26.200
you need a partner that is going to love your children

912
00:51:26.200 --> 00:51:28.260
and that just actually loves children.

913
00:51:29.920 --> 00:51:33.620
Someone who is gonna be a blessing to those children

914
00:51:33.620 --> 00:51:35.200
because this is not just your love story,

915
00:51:35.200 --> 00:51:36.340
it's their love story too.

916
00:51:36.340 --> 00:51:38.680
So it's fair to put that on your non-negotiables

917
00:51:38.680 --> 00:51:40.360
and we're gonna talk about non-negotiables next week

918
00:51:40.360 --> 00:51:42.500
and the week after, we're not gonna talk about them tonight.

919
00:51:42.500 --> 00:51:43.820
The reason why I'm talking about them

920
00:51:43.820 --> 00:51:45.720
is because we're talking about making decisions

921
00:51:45.720 --> 00:51:49.360
and the more that you drill down on this list

922
00:51:49.360 --> 00:51:51.160
and I'm gonna help you to drill down on it

923
00:51:51.160 --> 00:51:53.720
as we go forward, the quicker decision maker

924
00:51:53.720 --> 00:51:54.620
you're gonna be.

925
00:51:56.280 --> 00:51:58.600
But then during this jam study, guess what?

926
00:51:58.600 --> 00:52:01.640
Two different aisles in the same grocery store,

927
00:52:01.640 --> 00:52:05.340
people being presented with 24 different jellies

928
00:52:05.340 --> 00:52:10.080
and jams to try and then the other, I think it was six,

929
00:52:10.080 --> 00:52:11.920
can't remember off the top of my head,

930
00:52:11.920 --> 00:52:16.920
but the bottom line is is that the one that had less choices

931
00:52:16.960 --> 00:52:18.380
made more sales.

932
00:52:21.040 --> 00:52:21.880
You know why?

933
00:52:21.880 --> 00:52:24.480
Because 24 different jellies, guess what?

934
00:52:24.480 --> 00:52:26.520
Some of them are gonna start tasting like each other,

935
00:52:26.520 --> 00:52:27.360
aren't they?

936
00:52:28.560 --> 00:52:29.680
And it goes with anything.

937
00:52:29.680 --> 00:52:33.400
If you have four or five perfumes to choose from,

938
00:52:33.400 --> 00:52:35.360
you're gonna like one better than the others.

939
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:37.960
But if you have 25 to choose from,

940
00:52:37.960 --> 00:52:41.940
you're gonna have a hard time differentiating the smells

941
00:52:41.940 --> 00:52:44.480
at some time, at some level.

942
00:52:46.240 --> 00:52:49.100
Better, more options is not better.

943
00:52:50.560 --> 00:52:54.040
Better options is good, but more options is not better.

944
00:52:54.840 --> 00:52:56.000
Do we understand that?

945
00:52:57.680 --> 00:53:00.360
So the people that made the apps knew this.

946
00:53:00.360 --> 00:53:02.580
They knew the psychology of casinos.

947
00:53:03.440 --> 00:53:05.320
And the psychology of casinos

948
00:53:05.320 --> 00:53:07.060
is just keep them playing the game.

949
00:53:07.060 --> 00:53:08.600
Just keep them playing the game.

950
00:53:08.600 --> 00:53:10.120
The more they play the game,

951
00:53:10.120 --> 00:53:11.800
the more that we're gonna get their money

952
00:53:11.800 --> 00:53:13.780
because the house always wins.

953
00:53:13.780 --> 00:53:15.740
But the way that they keep you playing the game

954
00:53:15.740 --> 00:53:18.200
is by giving you small rewards.

955
00:53:19.080 --> 00:53:22.000
You play the slot machine, you win 30 bucks,

956
00:53:22.040 --> 00:53:24.200
you're like, wow, this works.

957
00:53:25.120 --> 00:53:26.760
You go on the dating app,

958
00:53:26.760 --> 00:53:29.560
you swipe and match with someone who's kind of attractive

959
00:53:29.560 --> 00:53:32.200
and you're like, woohoo, I matched.

960
00:53:32.200 --> 00:53:33.560
They picked me, I picked them.

961
00:53:33.560 --> 00:53:35.040
Wow, this works.

962
00:53:35.040 --> 00:53:36.280
This could really work.

963
00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:39.320
The problem is, is that,

964
00:53:39.320 --> 00:53:43.520
and gentlemen, this is not on you, okay?

965
00:53:43.520 --> 00:53:44.480
You guys are here.

966
00:53:44.480 --> 00:53:47.640
You obviously really wanna dig in to why you're single

967
00:53:47.640 --> 00:53:49.680
and you want to get married.

968
00:53:49.680 --> 00:53:53.240
But the majority of men on dating apps,

969
00:53:53.240 --> 00:53:55.240
ladies, there's lots of men on dating apps,

970
00:53:55.240 --> 00:53:59.040
and the majority of men, this is a proven fact

971
00:53:59.040 --> 00:54:00.400
what I'm about to say.

972
00:54:00.400 --> 00:54:01.500
It's not fiction.

973
00:54:01.500 --> 00:54:02.560
It's not fan fiction.

974
00:54:02.560 --> 00:54:03.720
It's not female fiction.

975
00:54:03.720 --> 00:54:04.680
It's a fact.

976
00:54:04.680 --> 00:54:07.560
The majority of men, a large percentage,

977
00:54:07.560 --> 00:54:11.400
over 70% of men on dating apps are there to hook up.

978
00:54:13.560 --> 00:54:15.160
They're hookup apps for them.

979
00:54:16.080 --> 00:54:17.560
And guess what?

980
00:54:17.560 --> 00:54:19.760
They swipe on anyone.

981
00:54:19.760 --> 00:54:20.680
You know what they're playing?

982
00:54:20.680 --> 00:54:22.440
They're not playing, is this my wife?

983
00:54:22.440 --> 00:54:26.540
They're playing, is this my Saturday night hookup?

984
00:54:27.840 --> 00:54:32.840
You guys ever heard of that game, smash or pass?

985
00:54:33.040 --> 00:54:35.920
And smash means to get it on, to bump uglies,

986
00:54:35.920 --> 00:54:37.800
to bump monkeys, whatever you like,

987
00:54:37.800 --> 00:54:39.040
to say, to hump and dump.

988
00:54:39.040 --> 00:54:39.920
I don't care.

989
00:54:39.920 --> 00:54:43.160
The kids have all kinds of phrases nowadays.

990
00:54:43.160 --> 00:54:46.680
But they're basically playing pass or smash, pass or smash.

991
00:54:47.000 --> 00:54:47.880
I'd hit that.

992
00:54:47.880 --> 00:54:48.880
I'd smash that.

993
00:54:48.880 --> 00:54:50.260
I'd do that.

994
00:54:50.260 --> 00:54:51.600
That's what's happening there.

995
00:54:51.600 --> 00:54:53.400
And that's why they're matching

996
00:54:53.400 --> 00:54:55.880
with tons and tons and tons of women

997
00:54:55.880 --> 00:54:59.680
hoping that one of them has, you know,

998
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:08.880
their morals or their guard or their standards low enough to be their conquest for the week.

999
00:55:10.240 --> 00:55:16.000
I know that's really sad, but it's true about dating apps. And ladies, you're swiping on,

1000
00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:23.680
you're swiping right on less men. You're actually reading profiles, you're looking at pictures,

1001
00:55:23.680 --> 00:55:28.320
you're swiping, you're swiping yes on less people. So you're getting less matches,

1002
00:55:28.320 --> 00:55:34.000
you're getting less dates. You see how this is working? Okay. So apps are like a casino.

1003
00:55:35.280 --> 00:55:40.080
The house always wins. They want to keep you there hoping that you're going to meet the love

1004
00:55:40.080 --> 00:55:45.280
of your life. Hoping that the next swipe is going to be the one hoping that the next $25

1005
00:55:45.280 --> 00:55:50.880
you get to see the secret matches are going to be the magic bullet of happiness. And so I really

1006
00:55:50.880 --> 00:55:56.960
want to encourage you for the purpose of this book club to put your apps on pause for the rest of our

1007
00:55:56.960 --> 00:56:02.720
time together. I can't force you to, I'm not going to come to your house and make sure you do it,

1008
00:56:02.720 --> 00:56:10.160
but I want to help you date differently. 70% of Christians are still getting married from

1009
00:56:10.160 --> 00:56:16.560
dating apps. I think it's like 72%. So somebody's meeting somebody good there,

1010
00:56:17.120 --> 00:56:22.000
but I guarantee you that they're not meeting people out of desperation and they're not meeting

1011
00:56:22.000 --> 00:56:26.000
people based on their preferences. They're meeting people because they've gotten very clear

1012
00:56:26.000 --> 00:56:32.320
about who they are and what they want and they are using the apps and the apps are not using them.

1013
00:56:34.000 --> 00:56:40.240
So I want to help you do that. So you read in the book about Sandra, about her 11 hours,

1014
00:56:40.240 --> 00:56:44.800
she hadn't gotten any dates. She had spent, you know, months and months on the app. She had no

1015
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:49.200
fruit to show for it. You guys, if that's how dating apps are for you, I want to encourage

1016
00:56:49.200 --> 00:56:53.520
you to put them on pause. If you have no problem getting tons of dates from apps, but none of them

1017
00:56:53.520 --> 00:56:57.920
are good dates. If you have no problem getting relationships from dating apps, but none of them

1018
00:56:57.920 --> 00:57:03.920
have been good relationships, put it on pause because the common denominator is you. You on

1019
00:57:03.920 --> 00:57:09.200
the dating app is not a good combination for some reason because dating apps are tools just like

1020
00:57:09.200 --> 00:57:14.160
everything else. And even though they weren't built to help you get married, we can break the

1021
00:57:14.160 --> 00:57:22.080
algorithm. We can get through a loophole and play it at its own game and win, but you don't know how

1022
00:57:22.080 --> 00:57:27.120
to do that yet. And so I'm going to help you to do that during the course of this book club.

1023
00:57:27.760 --> 00:57:33.520
All right. Okay. All right. So let's talk about what we're going to do instead of the apps for

1024
00:57:33.520 --> 00:57:36.640
those of you. And I want to see in the comments right now, if you're willing to put your apps

1025
00:57:36.640 --> 00:57:40.080
on pause for the next four and a half weeks, go ahead and let me see you in the chat.

1026
00:57:42.240 --> 00:57:49.280
Just say me, just put a heart, put a thumbs up, say yes, whatever you want to do. Some of you

1027
00:57:49.280 --> 00:57:57.040
are like, I'm not even on the apps, Jackie. So it's good. You're like, why, why, why do we have

1028
00:57:57.040 --> 00:58:01.200
to pause? Why can't we just apply what we learned while we're learning it? Because I want you to get

1029
00:58:01.200 --> 00:58:05.920
clear. Some of you are on the pod on the dating apps out of desperation. Cause you don't meet

1030
00:58:05.920 --> 00:58:13.200
anyone anywhere else. You're on them for attention. You're on them to try to, you know, make one last

1031
00:58:13.200 --> 00:58:23.920
ditch effort. Just so you know, ladies, especially, I want to tell you this gentlemen, some of you may

1032
00:58:23.920 --> 00:58:28.560
fall into this category, but it's mostly going to be ladies. If you're out in this dating climate,

1033
00:58:30.000 --> 00:58:33.920
looking for a savior. Okay. If you're out in this dating climate, you know,

1034
00:58:35.120 --> 00:58:40.400
looking for someone to save you, looking for someone to rescue you, looking for someone to,

1035
00:58:41.040 --> 00:58:44.800
you know, um, complete you, you're going to find an oppressor.

1036
00:58:46.720 --> 00:58:53.120
That energy is always going to bring back to you things that you do not want. So if in your dating

1037
00:58:53.120 --> 00:58:59.360
autopsy, you had a lot of broken relationships with men who turned out not to be who they said

1038
00:58:59.360 --> 00:59:03.360
they were gentlemen, like once again, this could be happening to you as well. I have seen this

1039
00:59:03.360 --> 00:59:11.120
happen to some nice guys for sure. End up with women that are abusive and, you know,

1040
00:59:12.240 --> 00:59:16.480
hypergamous or using you all the different things, but it usually happens to women,

1041
00:59:17.840 --> 00:59:25.040
women who fall too fast, have anxious attachment, let people in too quickly, all the different

1042
00:59:25.040 --> 00:59:29.840
things. And if that's you and I'm, and I, and I'm sure that if I asked you to raise your hands,

1043
00:59:29.840 --> 00:59:33.440
a lot of you would raise your hands. This came out in your dating autopsy.

1044
00:59:33.440 --> 00:59:40.320
It's really important that you learn to do this differently. Okay. Because the law of attraction

1045
00:59:40.320 --> 00:59:44.640
is biblical. What you believe in your heart about yourself, you become and what you become,

1046
00:59:44.640 --> 00:59:50.560
you attract that's in the book of Proverbs. And so you are attracting back to yourself,

1047
00:59:50.560 --> 00:59:54.720
what you believe you deserve. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow. I totally understand that

1048
00:59:54.720 --> 00:59:59.840
it is. And once again, we're not victim shaming. Hopefully we're setting you free from victim.

1049
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.180
so that you don't continue to victimize yourself.

1050
01:00:03.180 --> 01:00:06.800
Because at some point, you know, yes, they're the villain,

1051
01:00:06.800 --> 01:00:08.600
but you become an accomplice.

1052
01:00:08.600 --> 01:00:12.600
You become an accomplice and it's important, okay?

1053
01:00:12.600 --> 01:00:13.680
So let me say it this way.

1054
01:00:13.680 --> 01:00:16.360
If you've been in more than one relationship,

1055
01:00:17.200 --> 01:00:19.940
more than one relationship where the person turned out

1056
01:00:19.940 --> 01:00:23.960
to be a user, abuser, liar, cheater, beater,

1057
01:00:23.960 --> 01:00:26.040
a narcissist, a whatever, gentlemen,

1058
01:00:26.040 --> 01:00:27.240
this is for you as well.

1059
01:00:27.240 --> 01:00:28.620
If you've been in more than one,

1060
01:00:28.620 --> 01:00:30.520
meaning you've been in two or more,

1061
01:00:31.940 --> 01:00:34.460
the problem is you, and I love you.

1062
01:00:34.460 --> 01:00:36.620
But it's something that you're believing,

1063
01:00:36.620 --> 01:00:38.380
it's something that you're dismissing,

1064
01:00:38.380 --> 01:00:40.140
it's something that you're overlooking,

1065
01:00:40.140 --> 01:00:44.340
it's something that you're acquiescing to,

1066
01:00:44.340 --> 01:00:46.660
and we have to find those blind spots.

1067
01:00:46.660 --> 01:00:49.640
Otherwise, you are going to lather, rinse, repeat this.

1068
01:00:50.580 --> 01:00:51.740
And can I tell you something?

1069
01:00:51.740 --> 01:00:54.340
Dating apps are a very dangerous place to be

1070
01:00:54.340 --> 01:00:56.020
if you have that kind of pattern.

1071
01:00:58.620 --> 01:01:01.860
Okay, all right, so if we're not gonna be on the apps,

1072
01:01:01.860 --> 01:01:03.700
we're like, Jackie, where are we gonna meet people?

1073
01:01:03.700 --> 01:01:05.000
I'm glad you asked.

1074
01:01:05.000 --> 01:01:07.260
Because you read, and we talked about,

1075
01:01:07.260 --> 01:01:09.580
in the first couple chapters of the book,

1076
01:01:09.580 --> 01:01:13.380
you read about the village that we lost, right?

1077
01:01:13.380 --> 01:01:15.080
You read about this beautiful village.

1078
01:01:15.080 --> 01:01:17.120
You read about the timeline of dating

1079
01:01:17.120 --> 01:01:19.420
and how we used to date and how we used to court

1080
01:01:19.420 --> 01:01:21.820
and how our families were involved.

1081
01:01:21.820 --> 01:01:23.820
You guys, do you know that back in the day,

1082
01:01:23.820 --> 01:01:26.500
you couldn't cheat on your husband or wife if you wanted to

1083
01:01:26.500 --> 01:01:29.020
because everybody was watching you?

1084
01:01:29.020 --> 01:01:31.620
You know how hard it was to commit adultery?

1085
01:01:32.480 --> 01:01:33.500
Not that people didn't.

1086
01:01:33.500 --> 01:01:34.620
There are people that did,

1087
01:01:34.620 --> 01:01:38.220
but the thing is is that nobody really wanted to do that,

1088
01:01:38.220 --> 01:01:40.680
and the reason why is because you would lose your village.

1089
01:01:40.680 --> 01:01:41.860
You'd be kind of kicked out.

1090
01:01:41.860 --> 01:01:43.200
You'd be blackballed.

1091
01:01:43.200 --> 01:01:44.780
Remember all those Jane Austen movies

1092
01:01:44.780 --> 01:01:47.140
where if you did anything out of decorum,

1093
01:01:47.140 --> 01:01:48.860
if you ran off, if you fornicated,

1094
01:01:48.860 --> 01:01:50.380
if you had sex before marriage,

1095
01:01:50.380 --> 01:01:53.860
if it was even in question whether or not

1096
01:01:53.860 --> 01:01:56.340
you were off doing something that you shouldn't be doing,

1097
01:01:57.180 --> 01:02:00.460
if you tried to elope, straight to jail.

1098
01:02:00.460 --> 01:02:02.300
Remember that Parks and Rec episode?

1099
01:02:03.140 --> 01:02:04.780
Overcooked chicken, jail.

1100
01:02:04.780 --> 01:02:06.980
Undercooked fish, believe it or not, jail.

1101
01:02:06.980 --> 01:02:09.140
Okay, you guys are gonna make a lot of references

1102
01:02:09.140 --> 01:02:11.660
to funny movies and shows because, you know,

1103
01:02:11.660 --> 01:02:13.020
I don't know, that's who I am,

1104
01:02:13.020 --> 01:02:15.540
but I will say that in those movies,

1105
01:02:15.540 --> 01:02:17.260
there's always some guy who's like,

1106
01:02:17.260 --> 01:02:20.240
I don't have any money and you don't have any money,

1107
01:02:20.240 --> 01:02:22.060
but come and run away with me

1108
01:02:22.060 --> 01:02:26.220
and we'll just live together and screw society

1109
01:02:27.100 --> 01:02:29.260
and it's all good and it's just like if she does that,

1110
01:02:29.260 --> 01:02:31.060
she's never going to be allowed back

1111
01:02:31.060 --> 01:02:34.540
into polite society ever again.

1112
01:02:34.540 --> 01:02:36.420
She's not, okay?

1113
01:02:36.420 --> 01:02:40.140
You see this in Jane Austen with her sister Kitty.

1114
01:02:40.140 --> 01:02:41.460
You see this whole situation.

1115
01:02:41.460 --> 01:02:43.860
In fact, that's how Darcy wins Jane Austen's heart

1116
01:02:43.860 --> 01:02:46.020
because he goes and he fixes the situation

1117
01:02:46.020 --> 01:02:49.240
even though her sister was a little, you know,

1118
01:02:49.240 --> 01:02:52.900
she's a little ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, all right?

1119
01:02:52.900 --> 01:02:56.100
So, you guys, we lost this village.

1120
01:02:56.940 --> 01:02:58.300
We lost this accountability system.

1121
01:02:58.300 --> 01:02:59.940
We lost the safety system.

1122
01:02:59.940 --> 01:03:03.660
We lost, you know, just having intimate relationships

1123
01:03:03.660 --> 01:03:06.620
with this group of people that kept us safe,

1124
01:03:06.620 --> 01:03:08.540
that kept us marrying good people,

1125
01:03:08.540 --> 01:03:10.900
that kept the community alive.

1126
01:03:10.900 --> 01:03:12.820
It was in the community's best interest

1127
01:03:12.820 --> 01:03:13.860
for you to marry well

1128
01:03:13.860 --> 01:03:16.560
because you were going to be part of the community.

1129
01:03:16.560 --> 01:03:19.200
So we lost this, but you guys, we can bring it back

1130
01:03:19.200 --> 01:03:20.740
and that's what we're doing at Last Year Single.

1131
01:03:20.740 --> 01:03:22.500
We're bringing back the village

1132
01:03:22.500 --> 01:03:24.980
and our new app that's coming out this summer

1133
01:03:24.980 --> 01:03:25.980
at the end of August

1134
01:03:25.980 --> 01:03:29.300
is going to be a community-based dating app.

1135
01:03:29.300 --> 01:03:31.420
So you're going to be able to date within community.

1136
01:03:31.420 --> 01:03:32.660
You're going to be able to meet people

1137
01:03:32.660 --> 01:03:35.220
that other people vouch for and that other people know.

1138
01:03:35.220 --> 01:03:37.540
It's going to be a really beautiful situation.

1139
01:03:37.540 --> 01:03:39.740
We're very excited about it.

1140
01:03:39.740 --> 01:03:41.080
It's been a long time in coming.

1141
01:03:41.080 --> 01:03:42.620
For those that have been around for a while,

1142
01:03:42.620 --> 01:03:44.100
you can attest to that.

1143
01:03:44.100 --> 01:03:45.980
But you guys, we have to bring back the village

1144
01:03:45.980 --> 01:03:47.140
and so now I'm going to teach you

1145
01:03:47.140 --> 01:03:49.100
how to bring back your own village

1146
01:03:49.100 --> 01:03:50.980
and I want to do this in about four or five,

1147
01:03:50.980 --> 01:03:52.920
about the next six or seven minutes

1148
01:03:52.920 --> 01:03:56.040
so that we can take some questions, okay?

1149
01:03:56.040 --> 01:03:57.880
So I write in this book

1150
01:03:57.880 --> 01:03:59.920
and I've mentioned this in a lot of my teaching

1151
01:03:59.920 --> 01:04:01.880
and I've mentioned this even in other books

1152
01:04:01.880 --> 01:04:03.700
that I've written and that is,

1153
01:04:03.700 --> 01:04:07.000
we have something called the six degrees of separation

1154
01:04:07.000 --> 01:04:09.800
and I mentioned this last week as well, just briefly.

1155
01:04:09.800 --> 01:04:12.080
But it just basically means that somebody knows somebody

1156
01:04:12.080 --> 01:04:14.760
who knows somebody who knows your spirit mate.

1157
01:04:14.760 --> 01:04:17.280
You're only six people away from knowing everyone

1158
01:04:17.280 --> 01:04:20.440
in the whole eight plus billion people world.

1159
01:04:20.440 --> 01:04:21.680
Six people away.

1160
01:04:21.680 --> 01:04:23.920
You might not know who those other five people are.

1161
01:04:23.920 --> 01:04:27.800
They get you to, you know, who's your favorite movie star?

1162
01:04:27.800 --> 01:04:28.640
Put it in the chat.

1163
01:04:28.640 --> 01:04:30.180
Who's your favorite movie star?

1164
01:04:30.180 --> 01:04:31.020
Let's see it.

1165
01:04:36.800 --> 01:04:38.400
Who's your favorite movie star?

1166
01:04:41.560 --> 01:04:44.000
David, my husband's over here saying Ryan Gosling

1167
01:04:44.000 --> 01:04:45.360
is his favorite movie star.

1168
01:04:48.040 --> 01:04:50.080
Is that mine or yours?

1169
01:04:50.080 --> 01:04:51.620
He's saying that's mine.

1170
01:04:52.840 --> 01:04:54.360
He's silly.

1171
01:04:54.360 --> 01:04:55.960
Ryan is hideous.

1172
01:04:55.960 --> 01:04:57.800
He's ugly.

1173
01:04:58.800 --> 01:04:59.980
He's mid.

1174
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.960
As the kids would say you guys know I'm totally kidding. Okay, a Sean Connery. I don't think he's alive

1175
01:05:08.000 --> 01:05:12.260
Okay, you guys they can only be living they have to be living or this doesn't work

1176
01:05:14.200 --> 01:05:19.720
Because otherwise you're one degree of separation from Sean Connery just find out where he's buried and you can go over there and there you

1177
01:05:19.720 --> 01:05:21.720
Are there's you and there's Sean?

1178
01:05:21.960 --> 01:05:23.960
All right

1179
01:05:24.960 --> 01:05:32.600
All right, so we got some good ones in here we have Channing Tatum we have Tom Cruise we have Tom Hardy Sandra Bullock

1180
01:05:33.320 --> 01:05:38.600
Robin Williams Keira Knightley Viola Davis. Okay, so I know that you don't know

1181
01:05:39.200 --> 01:05:43.160
How you get there, but this is science you guys

1182
01:05:43.160 --> 01:05:49.080
It's social science and it's been proven that you're only five people from yourself

1183
01:05:49.200 --> 01:05:52.720
Six degrees of separation from each and every one of these people

1184
01:05:54.960 --> 01:05:56.960
You

1185
01:05:57.480 --> 01:05:59.480
Anyone alive on earth

1186
01:06:01.160 --> 01:06:08.760
You're only five people away you being the sixth degree of separation you're only six people away including yourself from

1187
01:06:09.280 --> 01:06:11.280
these people

1188
01:06:11.840 --> 01:06:13.400
And

1189
01:06:13.400 --> 01:06:16.560
That's why when I have conferences in-person conferences

1190
01:06:16.560 --> 01:06:23.360
I often tell people hey the key to whatever it is that you're looking for is probably sitting right next to you in

1191
01:06:23.560 --> 01:06:25.560
the form of a human being and

1192
01:06:26.600 --> 01:06:30.200
That's why if you want to be successful in life, not just your love life

1193
01:06:30.200 --> 01:06:35.920
But in life in general you will become a lover of people you will become a student of people

1194
01:06:36.080 --> 01:06:38.800
You will become the friendliest person that ever

1195
01:06:38.960 --> 01:06:44.320
Walked the earth the reason why I'm a good matchmaker and some of you have met me in person and some of you actually live

1196
01:06:44.320 --> 01:06:47.080
In Austin, you know me in person. You've done a little bit of life with me

1197
01:06:47.080 --> 01:06:52.520
You might go to my church or whatever and you can attest that. I'm a very friendly person

1198
01:06:53.760 --> 01:06:59.200
I talk to people. I'm one of those people that talks to strangers a lot. I talked to a stranger today

1199
01:06:59.600 --> 01:07:03.040
He had two cute dogs and I said, hey your dogs are chick magnets

1200
01:07:03.040 --> 01:07:07.480
I said, which one is your wife's favorite because he had a golden retriever and then he had a little wiener dog

1201
01:07:07.480 --> 01:07:10.720
I said, which one is your wife's favorite? He goes. Oh, I'm not married

1202
01:07:10.720 --> 01:07:11.840
I knew he wasn't married

1203
01:07:11.840 --> 01:07:16.720
But I wanted him to say he wasn't married and the way that I got him to say he wasn't married by asking him

1204
01:07:16.720 --> 01:07:18.720
Which dog his wife liked better?

1205
01:07:19.560 --> 01:07:25.760
See the sneakiness there the Jehovah sneakiness, okay, and so he said I

1206
01:07:26.480 --> 01:07:32.080
Don't have a wife and I said, oh I said well with these two dogs. You're gonna have one soon and

1207
01:07:32.600 --> 01:07:37.400
Then we started talking about him his love life and all the things you guys this is how this happens

1208
01:07:37.400 --> 01:07:43.040
This is how this works and a lot of you that are introverted. You're like that sounds scary

1209
01:07:44.040 --> 01:07:48.640
You don't got to start look at okay, if there's ten levels to friendliness

1210
01:07:48.640 --> 01:07:51.440
I'm level 10 and I've been level 10 since I was born

1211
01:07:52.520 --> 01:07:57.200
Okay, it's okay for you more introverted folks to maybe start at level two

1212
01:07:58.800 --> 01:08:00.680
It's alright

1213
01:08:00.680 --> 01:08:02.360
It's okay

1214
01:08:02.360 --> 01:08:08.760
But it's important to understand that somebody has the key to your breakthrough

1215
01:08:09.600 --> 01:08:13.000
Regardless of what area it is that you want breakthrough in

1216
01:08:14.000 --> 01:08:18.040
Somebody knows someone who has the resource that you need

1217
01:08:22.840 --> 01:08:24.840
Beautiful right

1218
01:08:25.479 --> 01:08:31.600
Okay, and we have technology to help connect us so technology is not bad you guys because technology is helping direct

1219
01:08:31.840 --> 01:08:36.120
To connect us to people. We don't know I needed a couch for our space

1220
01:08:36.120 --> 01:08:38.680
We have a space called wheelhouse and I needed a certain kind of couch

1221
01:08:38.760 --> 01:08:44.960
So I looked it up on Facebook marketplace and guess what some stranger that I've never ever met before had that couch

1222
01:08:45.200 --> 01:08:49.080
They had that resource. They had what I needed and they didn't need it anymore

1223
01:08:49.080 --> 01:08:52.760
so they were selling it and I was able to go over to their house and

1224
01:08:53.960 --> 01:08:55.960
purchase that couch I

1225
01:08:58.200 --> 01:09:02.479
Want you to raise your hand if you know more than two people

1226
01:09:02.479 --> 01:09:05.319
You know more than two people raise your hand

1227
01:09:10.640 --> 01:09:16.319
Okay, keep your hand up if you know more than five people, you know more and I'm talking about you know them well

1228
01:09:16.840 --> 01:09:21.040
Not oh, I met them once or twice. You actually know more than five people

1229
01:09:23.640 --> 01:09:26.439
Okay, keep your hand up if you know more than ten people

1230
01:09:26.439 --> 01:09:28.439
Keep your hand up if you know more than twenty people

1231
01:09:34.920 --> 01:09:38.760
I'm not saying you talk to them every single day on the phone, but you know them, you know them

1232
01:09:38.760 --> 01:09:43.439
If I brought their name up to you, they would know you that's kind of the litmus test

1233
01:09:43.439 --> 01:09:47.040
They know you by name, you know them by name you worked with them

1234
01:09:47.040 --> 01:09:50.279
You went to school with them. You went to church with them. You went to college with them

1235
01:09:50.279 --> 01:09:52.439
You know them by name, you know them by name

1236
01:09:52.960 --> 01:09:56.800
You know them by name you worked with them you went to school with them you went to church with them

1237
01:09:56.800 --> 01:09:58.800
Maybe in a past season doesn't matter

1238
01:09:59.080 --> 01:10:01.080
They're a friend of

1239
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.560
friend that used to be your neighbor, maybe they're related to you,

1240
01:10:02.560 --> 01:10:04.760
maybe you were good friends at one time or another.

1241
01:10:04.760 --> 01:10:06.960
Now you've kind of lost touch a little bit,

1242
01:10:06.960 --> 01:10:11.280
but they would know you immediately, your name. If I said, Oh, hey,

1243
01:10:11.720 --> 01:10:15.800
do you know, um, do you know Sandy Hernandez? They were like, Oh yeah,

1244
01:10:15.800 --> 01:10:20.280
I know Sandy. Okay. Put, keep your hand up. If you know, 30 people,

1245
01:10:21.680 --> 01:10:24.680
30 people would recognize your name. If I told them,

1246
01:10:26.080 --> 01:10:28.120
you guys, there's a lot of hands up for 20.

1247
01:10:31.000 --> 01:10:33.320
Okay. 40 people,

1248
01:10:36.480 --> 01:10:39.720
you know, 50 people by name.

1249
01:10:41.480 --> 01:10:44.640
You have more than 50 friends on Facebook and you can go and you'd be like,

1250
01:10:44.640 --> 01:10:47.000
yep. Know them. You can tell me how you know them.

1251
01:10:47.000 --> 01:10:50.480
You can tell me the times that you spent in person together and what you did.

1252
01:10:50.720 --> 01:10:51.640
Okay. 60

1253
01:10:54.440 --> 01:10:58.760
going to jump all the way up to a hundred people. I have my hand up.

1254
01:10:58.760 --> 01:11:02.720
I know a hundred people, a hundred people know me. I know a hundred people.

1255
01:11:06.160 --> 01:11:08.560
I know 200 people. Who's 200.

1256
01:11:18.040 --> 01:11:20.440
Anyone rowing the boat at 300 people

1257
01:11:20.440 --> 01:11:21.280
four.

1258
01:11:27.760 --> 01:11:29.280
So I hear 400 people,

1259
01:11:34.040 --> 01:11:35.840
500 people.

1260
01:11:38.280 --> 01:11:40.840
So I think that you get the point, right?

1261
01:11:41.280 --> 01:11:46.080
A lot of us know a lot of people and all of us know some people. And you're like,

1262
01:11:46.080 --> 01:11:49.160
well, Jackie, where are you going with this? If you know more than two people,

1263
01:11:49.160 --> 01:11:50.000
then guess what?

1264
01:11:50.200 --> 01:11:54.440
You have a wealth of resources in the human beings that you know.

1265
01:11:55.240 --> 01:11:57.240
And the human beings that you know, you don't know why you're like, well,

1266
01:11:57.240 --> 01:12:00.000
Jackie, I only really know about 15 people. Yeah.

1267
01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:01.920
But those 15 people know 15 people,

1268
01:12:01.920 --> 01:12:04.440
or some of them might be like some of these people that know three or four or

1269
01:12:04.440 --> 01:12:08.600
500 people. And those 15 people that they know,

1270
01:12:08.600 --> 01:12:10.240
say all of them only know two people.

1271
01:12:10.240 --> 01:12:13.680
Then all the 15 know at least 30 people a piece. And then you do the math.

1272
01:12:13.680 --> 01:12:15.680
And then it's, you know, 1500.

1273
01:12:15.680 --> 01:12:19.640
And then those 1500 know 15 people or 30 people a piece. And then it's,

1274
01:12:19.880 --> 01:12:23.720
you know, eight, 10,000 or it's 50,000. I do the math in the book.

1275
01:12:23.720 --> 01:12:25.800
It's mind blowing. Isn't it?

1276
01:12:26.720 --> 01:12:28.840
How many people you're connected to?

1277
01:12:30.520 --> 01:12:33.080
It's mind blowing. And guess what?

1278
01:12:33.080 --> 01:12:37.960
Every one of those people is represented by an ecosystem around them of other

1279
01:12:37.960 --> 01:12:41.000
people. When I met David,

1280
01:12:41.240 --> 01:12:43.760
I met him because he moved in next door to be my neighbor.

1281
01:12:44.720 --> 01:12:47.920
The thing that I didn't know about my new neighbor that I had never seen before,

1282
01:12:47.920 --> 01:12:51.120
at least I didn't think I'd ever seen him before was that he knew a lot of the

1283
01:12:51.120 --> 01:12:52.240
same people that I did.

1284
01:12:54.200 --> 01:12:56.200
We had a lot of people in common already.

1285
01:12:57.200 --> 01:12:59.000
So what I want you to do now, friends,

1286
01:12:59.000 --> 01:13:04.000
is I want you to build your relationship advisory circle out of the people that

1287
01:13:04.200 --> 01:13:05.760
you know, and that you trust.

1288
01:13:08.440 --> 01:13:13.000
I want you to have at least two people on that committee and no more than five.

1289
01:13:14.760 --> 01:13:19.760
How many of you are going to have hard time finding even two people that you

1290
01:13:19.760 --> 01:13:23.760
trust that have different spheres of influence than you that could possibly

1291
01:13:23.760 --> 01:13:28.760
introduce you to single people and or just speak into your life about who you're

1292
01:13:30.760 --> 01:13:31.600
dating?

1293
01:13:32.760 --> 01:13:36.160
This would be someone that you would introduce someone you're dating to and get

1294
01:13:36.160 --> 01:13:38.240
their feedback about what they think.

1295
01:13:38.240 --> 01:13:39.720
About three of you raised your hand. Okay.

1296
01:13:39.760 --> 01:13:43.040
So if you would have trouble building the advisory circle,

1297
01:13:43.040 --> 01:13:46.600
that is okay because we will help you over the course of the book club by

1298
01:13:46.600 --> 01:13:49.360
introducing you to new people. Some of you in here are going to get to know

1299
01:13:49.360 --> 01:13:53.560
each other, become friends and to become each other's advisory circle, right?

1300
01:13:53.680 --> 01:13:58.280
Let's go over the criteria for putting someone in your advisory circle.

1301
01:14:01.480 --> 01:14:02.720
They must know you well.

1302
01:14:02.720 --> 01:14:06.760
They must know you well because they are going to be able to get to know you

1303
01:14:07.240 --> 01:14:11.600
They must know you well. The real you, not the highlight, real you,

1304
01:14:11.600 --> 01:14:15.600
the real you. They must know you well. Number two,

1305
01:14:15.640 --> 01:14:18.800
they must be someone who you trust to be honest with you.

1306
01:14:20.440 --> 01:14:24.080
Someone who you will allow to speak into your life and you will listen to them.

1307
01:14:24.120 --> 01:14:27.880
Those are the two first two top top criteria. Number three,

1308
01:14:28.240 --> 01:14:31.680
they have networks around them that are different than yours.

1309
01:14:32.480 --> 01:14:35.040
You don't know the same five people like you know,

1310
01:14:35.040 --> 01:14:38.520
five people and they only know five people and they're the same five people

1311
01:14:38.520 --> 01:14:42.240
that you go to church with. Your friends and their friends are the same people.

1312
01:14:42.360 --> 01:14:44.400
No, they have to have a different network than you.

1313
01:14:44.400 --> 01:14:47.400
Meaning they work somewhere else than you. Besides where you do,

1314
01:14:47.400 --> 01:14:49.160
they go to church, maybe somewhere else.

1315
01:14:49.440 --> 01:14:51.560
Maybe they live in a different state as you. It doesn't matter.

1316
01:14:51.560 --> 01:14:53.240
They have a network that's different than yours.

1317
01:14:53.240 --> 01:14:56.800
You can have some shared network, but you have to have different networks as well.

1318
01:14:57.440 --> 01:14:58.520
And then number four,

1319
01:14:58.640 --> 01:15:00.000
you trust them enough

1320
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.880
to be vulnerable with them, meaning that you are going to show up and you're going to tell

1321
01:15:04.880 --> 01:15:08.000
them the truth about what's going on in your life.

1322
01:15:08.000 --> 01:15:09.960
Those are the four criteria.

1323
01:15:09.960 --> 01:15:12.640
And then they only have two jobs.

1324
01:15:12.640 --> 01:15:17.720
The two jobs are to take your non-negotiables, which we're going to make later in this book

1325
01:15:17.720 --> 01:15:25.080
club, take those and share those with other people in their circle that know people that

1326
01:15:25.080 --> 01:15:26.080
are single.

1327
01:15:26.080 --> 01:15:27.320
Like, Hey, I have a friend.

1328
01:15:27.320 --> 01:15:31.320
She asked me to help match, make her, you know, this is my friend, Amanda.

1329
01:15:31.320 --> 01:15:33.960
This is what she's looking for.

1330
01:15:33.960 --> 01:15:35.660
You know, do you know anyone?

1331
01:15:35.660 --> 01:15:39.880
And if you don't know anyone, will you keep a lookout, you know, and if you, and also

1332
01:15:39.880 --> 01:15:44.080
can you share this with any of your friends, you guys, one thing you need to know is married

1333
01:15:44.080 --> 01:15:48.980
women, especially love to match, make, okay.

1334
01:15:48.980 --> 01:15:51.080
They love to match, make.

1335
01:15:51.080 --> 01:15:55.040
So having someone like that on your advisory circle is going to be important.

1336
01:15:55.040 --> 01:15:59.440
And then the second job that they have is to be honest with you about what they observe

1337
01:15:59.440 --> 01:16:01.320
when you do meet someone.

1338
01:16:01.320 --> 01:16:04.920
So whether you meet someone through them or not, if you meet someone on a dating app,

1339
01:16:04.920 --> 01:16:09.000
you want to eventually introduce them to your advisory circle members.

1340
01:16:09.000 --> 01:16:13.480
Maybe not all at the same time, but you know, here and there, and then be, let them be honest

1341
01:16:13.480 --> 01:16:19.000
with you about what they observe in the dynamic between you and the person that you're dating.

1342
01:16:19.000 --> 01:16:20.000
Okay.

1343
01:16:20.000 --> 01:16:21.480
That's what worked back in the village days.

1344
01:16:21.480 --> 01:16:22.480
That's what still works.

1345
01:16:22.480 --> 01:16:23.480
Right now.

1346
01:16:23.480 --> 01:16:24.480
Very important stuff.

1347
01:16:24.480 --> 01:16:25.480
All right.

1348
01:16:25.480 --> 01:16:26.480
Okay.

1349
01:16:26.480 --> 01:16:28.620
You guys, we're going to go ahead and take some time.

1350
01:16:28.620 --> 01:16:33.120
So you're going to, as homework, you're going to build your relationship advisory circle

1351
01:16:33.120 --> 01:16:34.120
next week.

1352
01:16:34.120 --> 01:16:38.960
We're going to start out with a breakout where I'm going to put you into chats where you

1353
01:16:38.960 --> 01:16:43.760
might meet someone for your advisory circle and you can talk about who's on your advisory

1354
01:16:43.760 --> 01:16:48.080
circle and why, okay, why you chose that person.

1355
01:16:48.080 --> 01:16:52.360
And I really do want you to have a formal conversation with these people and ask them

1356
01:16:52.360 --> 01:16:55.080
if they will be part of your advisory circle.

1357
01:16:55.080 --> 01:16:59.840
Say, Hey, these are the four things that I need from the four things of this, the four

1358
01:16:59.840 --> 01:17:05.120
reasons why I picked you, you, you check these boxes and here's the two things that I need

1359
01:17:05.120 --> 01:17:06.120
you to do.

1360
01:17:06.120 --> 01:17:10.320
I need you to keep your eyes open at work for someone to match me with at church for

1361
01:17:10.320 --> 01:17:14.120
someone to match me with in your friend circle for someone to match me with.

1362
01:17:14.120 --> 01:17:15.120
Do you already know anyone?

1363
01:17:15.120 --> 01:17:16.120
Okay.

1364
01:17:16.120 --> 01:17:17.240
Well, if you don't keep your eyes open.

1365
01:17:17.240 --> 01:17:20.880
And then if I do meet someone, I want to be able to run them by you and I want you

1366
01:17:20.880 --> 01:17:23.800
to give me your true opinion and advice.

1367
01:17:23.800 --> 01:17:25.000
They do not have to live by you.

1368
01:17:25.000 --> 01:17:26.000
They can live long distance.

1369
01:17:26.000 --> 01:17:32.800
In fact, Jody, it's good if they don't live by you because you want the biggest radius

1370
01:17:32.800 --> 01:17:34.840
of opportunity as possible.

1371
01:17:34.840 --> 01:17:35.840
Cool.

1372
01:17:35.840 --> 01:17:38.880
And this is another good reason to join last year single.

1373
01:17:38.880 --> 01:17:44.960
I can't tell you how many people that have been match made by other people in my program.

1374
01:17:44.960 --> 01:17:48.360
I know people think that all of our success stories, by the way, we're bumping up against

1375
01:17:48.360 --> 01:17:52.800
2000 success stories that it just happened because Jackie matched them all.

1376
01:17:52.800 --> 01:17:54.080
First of all, that's not possible.

1377
01:17:54.080 --> 01:17:55.600
That's way too many people.

1378
01:17:55.600 --> 01:17:59.200
And secondly, a lot of it happened because they met in the program because we have a

1379
01:17:59.200 --> 01:18:01.380
men, a male and female program.

1380
01:18:01.380 --> 01:18:02.760
So they met in the program.

1381
01:18:02.760 --> 01:18:09.320
That's been at least a couple dozen couples, okay, of the 2000 ish.

1382
01:18:09.320 --> 01:18:13.880
I think we're about, we're somewhere between 1900 and 2000 and, or they met because of

1383
01:18:13.880 --> 01:18:14.880
the program.

1384
01:18:14.880 --> 01:18:18.320
They met because of the teaching they met because of the people they met because of

1385
01:18:18.320 --> 01:18:22.040
the meetup groups they met because of the ecosystem.

1386
01:18:22.040 --> 01:18:25.760
And it's only going to get more and more now that this app, we're going to be releasing

1387
01:18:25.760 --> 01:18:26.760
this app.

1388
01:18:26.760 --> 01:18:29.360
So it's just going to be, it's going to be great.

1389
01:18:29.360 --> 01:18:30.360
All right.

1390
01:18:30.360 --> 01:18:31.360
All right.

1391
01:18:31.360 --> 01:18:32.360
Yes.

1392
01:18:32.360 --> 01:18:33.360
Thank you, Murray.

1393
01:18:33.360 --> 01:18:34.360
Thank you for putting up.

1394
01:18:34.360 --> 01:18:39.240
So if you guys wondered what those four things were, it's in your book, but also Murray in

1395
01:18:39.240 --> 01:18:41.280
Tampa, Florida posted it right there.

1396
01:18:41.280 --> 01:18:42.280
All right.

1397
01:18:42.280 --> 01:18:48.760
So we're going to take two questions and then we got to go cause we're at time.

1398
01:18:48.760 --> 01:18:53.240
So don't forget building your advisory circle and asking those people formally to be part

1399
01:18:53.240 --> 01:18:56.520
of your advisory circle is your homework for next week.

1400
01:18:56.520 --> 01:19:02.360
Plus the reading, anything else that's in the app for week three, you got to do that,

1401
01:19:02.360 --> 01:19:07.040
but this is your extra homework is building this advisory circle.

1402
01:19:07.040 --> 01:19:11.560
If you haven't done it yet, if you haven't had the conversations with these people, don't

1403
01:19:11.560 --> 01:19:14.640
forget you guys.

1404
01:19:14.640 --> 01:19:21.680
Somebody that you know, know someone who's having dinner right now with your future spouse.

1405
01:19:21.680 --> 01:19:22.800
They're out at a friend's dinner.

1406
01:19:22.800 --> 01:19:24.800
They're having dinner right now.

1407
01:19:24.800 --> 01:19:25.880
They're on the phone right now.

1408
01:19:25.880 --> 01:19:27.840
They're talking to each other.

1409
01:19:27.840 --> 01:19:31.640
They played pickleball earlier today with each other.

1410
01:19:31.640 --> 01:19:38.080
They're invited this weekend, this coming up next weekend to a wedding of somebody's.

1411
01:19:38.080 --> 01:19:39.080
It's true.

1412
01:19:39.080 --> 01:19:40.080
It's happening.

1413
01:19:40.080 --> 01:19:41.080
It is.

1414
01:19:41.600 --> 01:19:44.080
And if you haven't heard the story, so of course David and I ended up having all kinds

1415
01:19:44.080 --> 01:19:45.080
of friends in common.

1416
01:19:45.080 --> 01:19:48.080
We didn't know that before he became my neighbor.

1417
01:19:48.080 --> 01:19:51.360
We actually didn't know that until we started dating and I started asking around cause I

1418
01:19:51.360 --> 01:19:54.840
knew people that went to his church and I was like, Hey, do you happen to, I know it's

1419
01:19:54.840 --> 01:19:55.840
a really big church.

1420
01:19:55.840 --> 01:19:56.840
You guys a huge church.

1421
01:19:56.840 --> 01:19:57.840
10,000 people.

1422
01:19:57.840 --> 01:19:59.840
I said, you wouldn't happen to know this guy named David Dorman.

1423
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.520
And would you, they're like, oh my God, I know David Dorman.

1424
01:20:05.040 --> 01:20:09.680
He was my Bible teacher. He was my youth pastor. He was this,

1425
01:20:09.680 --> 01:20:12.440
he was that brother Dorman, Mr. Dorman.

1426
01:20:14.440 --> 01:20:19.240
Um, something else, pastor Dorman. And I was just like, ah, okay.

1427
01:20:19.440 --> 01:20:23.320
So, so many people knew him. He had a really great reputation. That was amazing.

1428
01:20:23.320 --> 01:20:26.120
That was wonderful. And it was just like, Hey, if you knew him,

1429
01:20:26.120 --> 01:20:29.000
why didn't you hook a girl up? Why don't you fix a girl up?

1430
01:20:29.000 --> 01:20:30.920
Why didn't you introduce me before? Right?

1431
01:20:30.920 --> 01:20:33.640
And it's because people don't think like that. You guys,

1432
01:20:33.640 --> 01:20:36.520
we have to help them think like that. They don't think like that.

1433
01:20:38.680 --> 01:20:40.520
They don't think here's my friend, Jackie,

1434
01:20:40.520 --> 01:20:45.040
who's a single mom and she's wonderful. And here's my, my, my youth pastor.

1435
01:20:45.040 --> 01:20:47.520
This is my Bible teacher. This is someone I go to church with.

1436
01:20:47.800 --> 01:20:52.000
And he is divorced and a single dad. Oh, I should introduce them.

1437
01:20:52.240 --> 01:20:56.600
People do not pull those threads unless we help them pull those threads.

1438
01:20:57.120 --> 01:20:59.360
Okay. And so that's what we're going to start doing.

1439
01:21:00.320 --> 01:21:02.920
You're gonna start thinking like a matchmaker for yourself and for others.

1440
01:21:02.920 --> 01:21:07.480
That's what this whole book club is all about. All right. So, um, oh, okay.

1441
01:21:07.480 --> 01:21:11.320
So here's the fun story. Two years before David moved in next door to me.

1442
01:21:11.440 --> 01:21:14.200
And if I said this here, I can't remember where I tell this story.

1443
01:21:15.040 --> 01:21:17.720
I don't tell it that often, but I do tell it in book club.

1444
01:21:18.160 --> 01:21:22.000
I was at an event at his big mega church where I did not go.

1445
01:21:22.000 --> 01:21:25.000
That was not my church. In fact,

1446
01:21:25.000 --> 01:21:27.560
I'd heard a lot of bad things about that church. If I'm being honest,

1447
01:21:27.560 --> 01:21:31.160
that big mega church. And so I never went to, I didn't even visit there,

1448
01:21:32.000 --> 01:21:35.440
but I had a lot of friends that went to church there and I went to an event

1449
01:21:35.440 --> 01:21:37.200
because one of my friends invited me.

1450
01:21:37.680 --> 01:21:39.760
And this was at the end of my marriage. You guys,

1451
01:21:39.800 --> 01:21:44.200
I'm dealing with going through the preliminary parts of getting divorced.

1452
01:21:44.200 --> 01:21:44.520
And you know,

1453
01:21:44.520 --> 01:21:47.320
my mind's in a million different places and I'm really going through a hard,

1454
01:21:47.320 --> 01:21:51.560
hard time, hard time. You know, I'm kind of back and forth.

1455
01:21:51.560 --> 01:21:54.240
Should I get divorced? Shouldn't I get divorced? Like I'm just a mess.

1456
01:21:54.640 --> 01:21:58.640
And I go to this event and they have a big jumbotron outside. It's a,

1457
01:21:58.640 --> 01:22:02.240
it's called picnic with the pastor. They have carnival rides.

1458
01:22:02.480 --> 01:22:05.520
They have all kinds of booths and games and different things.

1459
01:22:05.520 --> 01:22:08.880
They have a big jumbotron like you see at the super bowl outside, you know,

1460
01:22:08.880 --> 01:22:11.720
mega church stuff, mega church event.

1461
01:22:12.440 --> 01:22:16.880
And they're playing funny videos on this mega, this, this jumbotron.

1462
01:22:17.280 --> 01:22:20.360
And I am standing there and I'm watching the videos. And I say to my friend,

1463
01:22:20.360 --> 01:22:22.080
I'm like, well, you know, what's going on? And she's like, Oh,

1464
01:22:22.080 --> 01:22:24.440
these are prank videos. You know, that show punked.

1465
01:22:24.800 --> 01:22:28.960
Remember that show punked back in the day with Ashton Kutcher MTV like that.

1466
01:22:29.480 --> 01:22:31.520
And I was like, Oh, who are they pranking? And she said, Oh,

1467
01:22:31.520 --> 01:22:33.320
they're pranking the staff of the church.

1468
01:22:33.800 --> 01:22:36.600
So they had taken different staff members of this mega church and they were

1469
01:22:36.600 --> 01:22:38.960
playing practical jokes on them. They were pranking them.

1470
01:22:38.960 --> 01:22:41.720
And they were very funny videos. You guys, very, very funny.

1471
01:22:42.760 --> 01:22:46.360
And I'm watching them and I had to leave. I told myself,

1472
01:22:46.360 --> 01:22:49.960
I was only going to stay for 45 minutes. And I was like, I gotta go.

1473
01:22:49.960 --> 01:22:54.960
So as I'm leaving a new prank video comes on the jumbotron and it's very,

1474
01:22:56.080 --> 01:23:00.280
very funny. And so like, I'm, I'm captivated. I have to watch till the end.

1475
01:23:00.280 --> 01:23:02.000
So I'm watching and I'm like, in my mind, I'm like,

1476
01:23:02.000 --> 01:23:03.680
as soon as this one's over, I'm out of here.

1477
01:23:04.080 --> 01:23:07.760
And so I'm watching and I'm laughing and it's so funny. And I say to my friend,

1478
01:23:07.760 --> 01:23:12.200
I said, you know, what's weird is that guy that they're pranking. I said,

1479
01:23:12.200 --> 01:23:14.680
he's really familiar to me. I said,

1480
01:23:14.680 --> 01:23:17.960
I think that him and I might've gone to school together.

1481
01:23:18.960 --> 01:23:22.160
And she's like, really? She's like, I, I don't think he's,

1482
01:23:22.200 --> 01:23:25.480
I don't think he's from, you know, she knew that I was from out of state,

1483
01:23:25.480 --> 01:23:27.600
you know, like not from that area. And she goes,

1484
01:23:27.600 --> 01:23:30.640
I think I'm pretty sure he's from here. And I was like, are you sure?

1485
01:23:30.640 --> 01:23:33.880
I said, I know him. And then I started racking my brain.

1486
01:23:33.880 --> 01:23:36.960
As I was going to my car, I was like, that guy, I know him.

1487
01:23:36.960 --> 01:23:40.520
I know him from somewhere. Why do I know him? I was like, I,

1488
01:23:40.520 --> 01:23:42.480
it's not that I just have seen him before.

1489
01:23:42.480 --> 01:23:46.560
Like I've been in relationship with him before. Like we went to school together.

1490
01:23:46.600 --> 01:23:49.040
We worked together something, right?

1491
01:23:49.080 --> 01:23:51.960
Have you ever had that happen where you know that you know someone,

1492
01:23:51.960 --> 01:23:55.640
but you just can't remember where, you know, them from that happened.

1493
01:23:56.600 --> 01:23:57.880
Two years later,

1494
01:23:58.000 --> 01:24:02.120
that man in the video became my neighbor and eight months later,

1495
01:24:02.120 --> 01:24:05.880
he became my husband. And a year later,

1496
01:24:05.880 --> 01:24:10.560
after we were married, we were moving and he popped in a VCR tape.

1497
01:24:10.560 --> 01:24:13.880
This is how old this story is. And he said, babe, come here.

1498
01:24:13.880 --> 01:24:16.240
I want to show you something funny. And I said, what? He said,

1499
01:24:16.400 --> 01:24:18.160
I want to show you a video of when the,

1500
01:24:18.160 --> 01:24:22.400
when the church pranked me for a prank series that they did.

1501
01:24:22.400 --> 01:24:26.720
And he pops in this video and it's the video from the jumbotron from, you know,

1502
01:24:26.800 --> 01:24:30.960
three and a half years earlier. And you guys, my jaw about hit the floor.

1503
01:24:31.000 --> 01:24:35.520
Here I am watching this video of this man that I swore up and

1504
01:24:35.520 --> 01:24:39.840
down that I knew from somewhere. Who's now been my husband for a year.

1505
01:24:40.920 --> 01:24:45.080
So don't tell me that there's not a divine aspect of

1506
01:24:45.840 --> 01:24:46.720
your love story.

1507
01:24:47.360 --> 01:24:51.800
Cause remember one plants and one waters and God gives the increase.

1508
01:24:53.040 --> 01:24:54.440
God can't drive a parked car,

1509
01:24:54.440 --> 01:24:58.800
but he absolutely can put a car that's in drive into

1510
01:24:59.400 --> 01:25:00.240
jet fuel.

1511
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.840
Mode and he can take you as fast and as far as you want to go

1512
01:25:04.520 --> 01:25:08.240
So father God, I'm thankful for all these folks here. I'm thankful for what they're learning

1513
01:25:08.240 --> 01:25:12.000
I pray that they would retain it God and that it wouldn't just be information

1514
01:25:12.000 --> 01:25:14.280
But it would be information that they can use in

1515
01:25:14.400 --> 01:25:19.520
Order to put them in the right place at the right time with the right heart to step into their love story

1516
01:25:19.520 --> 01:25:22.840
and so as the people that are gonna be working on the

1517
01:25:23.400 --> 01:25:26.400
Relationship advisory circle as they begin to think about people

1518
01:25:26.400 --> 01:25:30.600
I pray that you would bring people to their mind people that maybe they would have never thought of before

1519
01:25:31.000 --> 01:25:36.120
Because maybe they feel like oh, that's too big of a favor to ask or I don't know if they think that they know me

1520
01:25:36.120 --> 01:25:42.360
Well enough, but you're actually gonna show them people and it might be people that they would have just dismissed before as no

1521
01:25:42.360 --> 01:25:45.840
I don't want them to be part of this or people that they don't feel like they can ask for

1522
01:25:45.960 --> 01:25:53.140
But they're gonna ask because they're gonna know after this prayer that that's a super natural thought that they're having and that person

1523
01:25:53.220 --> 01:25:56.100
Belongs on their advisory circle and so Lord

1524
01:25:56.100 --> 01:26:02.220
I thank you God that somebody knows somebody who knows their spirit mate and you right now are connecting the dots to bring them together

1525
01:26:02.500 --> 01:26:08.060
Not just for their happily ever after but for lineage and legacy in Jesus name. Let it be so amen

1526
01:26:08.740 --> 01:26:14.060
Alright friends. I had fun with you tonight. Do your homework? Do your reading do your worksheets?

1527
01:26:14.060 --> 01:26:18.500
Do your things build your advisory circle pray listen to Holy Spirit?

1528
01:26:19.340 --> 01:26:25.020
You're not just having you know, weird thoughts those thoughts are coming from God we've been praying

1529
01:26:25.380 --> 01:26:27.820
He's answering and I'll see you next week