All right, friends, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks Book Club.
This is week two.
I hope you did your homework because we're going to jump right in with that in just a
second.
Hopefully you took some time to put your city, state, and country in the chat.
You see we have people from all over.
We have people from other countries.
Hello from Switzerland.
We know that people are staying up until three, four o'clock in the morning to join us here.
We're going to be conscious of everyone's time.
We're going to be on here from anywhere from 75 to 90 minutes.
We will have Q&A at the end.
We'll do a little love seating, meaning that I will take questions from you, and you can
even jump in the love seat and tell me what it is that you want to know, and I will try
my best to answer.
All right, so starting off, we had just kind of recap last week, week one.
We talked about all kinds of different things, right?
We talked about why dating is so hard in the year 2026, and the takeaway is that it's not
just you.
It's the system.
It's the system that you were given, that you inherited, if you like that word.
And then we talked about what you became because of what you inherited.
And we talked about that as a script.
What script are you reading in this movie of life?
This movie that you're the main star in your own movie, okay?
Some of you may have not known that.
You might've been a supporting star in someone else's movie for a really long time, got a
lot of abusive relationships where you aren't the star of your show, okay?
Well, you are the star of your show.
I have an older brother, and he's an interesting sort of person, but he always asks me what's
going on with my show, meaning my life.
Hey, like, what's going on with your show?
Is this your show?
What are you doing in your show?
And so you are the star of your show, and you have a script that you've been reading.
And if you come over in a last year single, which I hope all of you will, because you
can test drive last year single for just $37 at the end of this book club, I hope you decide
to do that because we'll get deeper into why you believe what you believe about yourself,
about God, about men, about women, about marriage.
But for the purpose of this book club, we can just go as far as your script.
What script are you running when it comes to your love life?
And so we looked at that in week one.
So if you're here in week two and you have not watched the replay of week one, I really
want to encourage you to do that.
We talked about a lot of things that are super important to your success in this wild, wild
West that we call dating.
But now we're going to continue on that.
For your homework, I asked you to do your dating autopsy and come and share it.
And so I'm going to take a few shares.
Raise your hand if you're willing to share what you learned from your dating autopsy.
And here's the thing.
We can't take a long time on these shares.
So here's what I want you to share.
I want you to share the pattern that you found in your dating autopsy.
Do you stay too long?
Do you give too much?
Do you overlook too many things?
Do you ignore the red flags because you just think that you're at the circus or NASCAR
or Daytona 500?
Is that your pattern?
Is that what you do?
Do you cut and run really quickly?
Is the first sign of any kind of flaw in this person?
Do you go ahead and tell yourself a story like, uh, it's time to go.
Do you not even let them get off first base?
Do you go ahead and look for flaws?
Do you find flaws purposely so that you have permission and excuse to cut and run?
You know, there can be all different types of patterns that you found in your dating
autopsy.
For those of you that are joining us live tonight and you did not join us live last
week and maybe you didn't do the homework yet, the dating autopsy is on page, uh, 46
in your book.
If you actually have the book and if you have the ebook or the e pub, then it's going to
be on a, is it on a worksheet?
The dating autopsy, is it a worksheet or is it just in, yeah, it's just in the book.
So it's just in your e pub, your, your Kindle, your, your ebook.
I don't know what page it's on in the ebook.
There's no page number is what I'm being told, but it is on page 46 if you have a book and
it's going to ask you a couple questions and really what it's wanting you to do is kind
of create a spreadsheet of your last couple relationships, a graph if you will, of your
last couple relationships.
And then it's asking you to ask yourself the same six questions about each one of those
relationships to try to find the pattern.
Okay.
And then when you find the pattern, then you can, you know, use the information from that
pattern to hopefully break the pattern.
So that is the purpose of the dating autopsy is to detox yourself from the pattern.
All right.
Some of you, you dated the same person over and over again.
It wasn't the same actual person, but it was the same.
type of person. So when you did your dating autopsy, you found out, Oh, Hey,
you know, I really have a type and my type is super unhealthy.
It's someone who lies. It's someone who cheats.
It's someone who's a narcissist. Possibly we use that word a lot.
We love to throw that word around. It's someone who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The problem is, is that if that is your pattern, then guess what?
You fall into the category of an enabler.
One thing that I don't like is I don't want a victim shame,
but I also don't like to let victims stay victims.
Because if you don't find the pattern, if you don't own your side of the street,
because out of all those people that hurt you, betrayed you, cheated on you,
used you, abused you, the liars, cheaters, beaters,
abusers, users, there's one common denominator and it's you,
right? We chose those people, gentlemen,
all the ladies that only wanted you for your money.
All the people that took advantage of you, lied to you, manipulated you,
coerced you, seduced you. Once again,
the common denominator is us and so if we want to have a different product,
then we have to look at the process in which we got there, right?
Very, very, very important. It is a worksheet, Marcy said. Thank you, Marcy.
You think that I would know that?
My team told me differently, but I thought it was. And so it is. Okay.
So you guys are seeing what I'm saying.
And for those of you that didn't have any relationships,
romantic relationships to put on your dating autopsy,
every one of us has had relationships.
And so you can go back and use that autopsy as a relationship autopsy,
not a dating autopsy. And you can put all of your primary relationships,
all your friendships. You're like, Jackie, I haven't had any friends.
Well that's information. You mean you got to this level of life,
this age of life and you've never had a friend good enough to put on this
worksheet in order to find a pattern.
That's not how God created you.
God created you for relationship.
So if you haven't had any relationships to speak of in your life,
besides just the people that gave birth to you and maybe your siblings,
maybe some other family members, then we got to dig into why,
why haven't you made any friends? Why haven't you let anyone in?
I once had a private client that didn't have any friendships outside of her
origin family. And you know what we found out when we,
when we coached and we dug deeper,
she came from an origin family that taught that people outside of this family
are different than us. They won't understand us and they're not safe.
That's what we found out. We autopsied,
we autopsied her relationship with her parents and siblings.
And what we found out is a reason why she never had any friendships or romantic
relationships,
even though she was now 40 something years old was because she was taught and
programmed to believe that nobody outside of the family would ever understand
her or be safe.
That's really important information, isn't it?
That's a pattern that we needed to break and we were,
we were able to break it and we were able to break it.
She actually ended up getting married.
So you see, you can use these questions for any relationships.
What are the patterns? You guys,
healthy relationships will bear healthy fruit. And when I say healthy fruit,
healthy relationships have healthy boundaries,
healthy relationship wants what they want. What's best for you.
They don't try to control you. They don't try to hold you back.
They support you. They also call you out when necessary.
If you have relationships that you can't, you can't handle conflict.
You don't invite some constructive conflict in the relationship where you're
allowing someone to kind of point out the areas where you might be holding
yourself back or sabotaging yourself,
letting someone poke holes in your idea, not because they're against you,
not because they don't want you to succeed,
but because they see some blind spots that you don't see.
And the reason why I'm going kind of further into this homework is because we're
going to talk about building your advisory circle today,
your relationship advisory circle.
And if you're one of the people that didn't have any relationships to put on
this worksheet, you're going to have a hard time with this assignment
because it requires people. It requires you to have people.
You guys, the replay isn't going to show up sooner or later. It's in the app.
It's actually under replays. Super easy to find. Okay.
There it's been there since the day that it got recorded.
And so take a look, refresh your app.
Okay, so you guys, relationship is why we're all here.
God created creation and then he created humanity
and the purpose of creating humanity was for what reason?
Put it in the chat.
Why did God create humanity?
Because he wanted a bunch of robots,
he wanted a bunch of slaves,
he wanted people to take care of his creation,
he wanted indentured servants.
Why did God create?
I mean, he had the angels already.
What did he need us for?
That's right.
All God ever wanted was a family.
He created us for relationship, just with him?
Did he create us for relationship just with him?
Just us and him walking and talking in the garden,
naked as a jaybird, living our best life.
Is that why?
Is that how it worked?
No, Lisa, yes, him and each other.
In fact, the very first thing that God did
during the creation sequence was look at day six,
which was the creation of mankind, humankind,
and say, this is not finished yet.
This is not what I had in mind yet.
The word not good, the word good,
when he looked at man and said, hmm, this is not good,
that word is translated into our English language
as complete or finished.
He wasn't done yet.
Why?
Because he said, let us make them male and female.
Let us make them male and female to be what?
To be in our image.
He didn't say to be in my image, he said our image.
This might mess with your theology, but God is three in one.
And guess what?
As humankind, we're also in the marriage model three in one,
meaning husband, wife, children, offspring.
Isn't that a beautiful thing?
Now, not everyone's gonna have biological children
on this earth because of what?
Because of the curse.
Because God's divine design was interrupted by sin.
It was interrupted by disobedience.
Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost
in the reconciliation, ministry of reconciliation,
when he came and lived and died and resurrected.
What did he come to seek and save that which was lost?
Divine design.
The thing that he came to seek and save that was lost
was divine design.
What divine design?
Relationship.
Relationship for who?
Us and God, us and ourselves, and us and each other.
You guys see it, it's pretty clear.
It's pretty clear.
People think, oh, well, he came so that we could go
to heaven someday.
That's what he came to do.
No.
He came to put us back into
relationship and right standing
with God, ourselves, and each other.
I know a lot of people don't know this,
but the battle of the sexes started in the garden.
It didn't start now.
Didn't start in your former marriage
between you and your ex.
It started in the garden.
When sin entered, so did conflict.
So did disconnection.
In fact, sin brought what I call the dis, the D-I-S.
Disconnection, dis-ease, disease, disappointment.
You can go on and on with the dis words,
but then Jesus brought the ministry of reconciliation
or the ministry of re, R-E.
Reconciliation, regeneration, restoration, rehabilitation.
We can go on and on, but also relationship, revival.
And so I believe by you coming here
and being part of this book club,
I know you came because you think you're just gonna learn
how to date better, but I believe that you've now
been enlisted to be a revivalist in what?
In the revival of marriage and family.
Because your future marriage is not just about you,
it is about lineage, it's about legacy,
and it's about the ministry of re, reconciliation,
that Jesus started and now we all
get to walk out and finish.
Do you believe that?
Are you a revivalist?
I believe you're a revivalist.
Your marriage is a lot more important
than you just having someone to snuggle and watch TV with.
Someone to go on vacation with and someone to walk the dog
because you're done taking the dog out all by yourself.
Yes, that's more.
It's more than just a extra pooper scooper in the family.
It is about lineage, it's about legacy.
It's about everything that God thought about you
and planned and purposed for your life
when he thought of you before the foundation of the earth.
Okay, so you guys, relationship is what this is all about.
And if you don't do relationship well,
whether it's friends, whether it's community,
or whether it's romantic relationship,
and it could be all three, that's where we have to start.
We have to start being vulnerable, showing up, letting people in, trusting
people. I know that's hard and some of you, you trust too easily and you trust
the wrong people. So for those of you that are like that, you found that in
your dating autopsy, man, gosh, I just, I keep making the same mistakes all over
again. I'm just so foolish. I just trust people so easily. I meet them, they say,
hey, hi, I'm a good person and I just believe them and I give them a key to my
house and then here we are. And some of y'all don't trust anybody. You don't
trust your own mama. You don't trust nobody. No one, no one. You're from
Missouri, the show-me state. Don't tell me, show me. You're so distrusting. I say
that because my mom was from Missouri. She was born in Missouri at least. She grew up
in California and she used to say, I was born in the show-me state. Don't tell me,
show me. Yeah. Some of you are so guarded. Your dating autopsy was hard because no
one got past date two. You just crossed them off. You cut them from the team
really quick before you could see if they could actually make a layup. No.
Those are basketball references, just so you know. I'm 5'10". I'm a tall girl and I
use a lot of sports references because I used to play sports. All right. So,
Kristen's like, that's me. Born in Missouri. Proud of it. All right. I'm gonna
take a couple. I'm gonna take a couple shares. Hopefully you guys are learning
something already. I promise you we're gonna have some interaction. I'm gonna
put you in some breakout rooms. You're gonna get to meet each other. You're
gonna get to share with each other. There's only about 63 folks on here live.
So, all of you replay watchers, hello. We're sad you're not here and that you're
not able to be part of the breakouts tonight, but they're gonna be fun. Dating
autopsy. Who is a, who did the homework and is willing to share the pattern that
they found? Sandy, you're up. Go ahead and unmute yourself.
Pattern I found is I shrink. I shrink myself. I shrink my personality so that
they, so I can accommodate them. So, I found that I think almost in every
relationship that I've had. So, one of the scripts that you probably found you
were running is the chill girl script. Of course. Yeah. And also, it could be the
scarcity script. Yeah, but I also have the fairy tale one too. Yeah. Let me ask you a
question since you said the fairy tale script. Is it your fairy tale that, you
know, that you would be with someone who wouldn't think that you're just as
amazing as they are and you wouldn't be able to be yourself with? Does that sound
like a good fairy tale? So, you're saying that like they wouldn't want to be with
me or they would want to be with me? No, I'm just saying, do you think that it
sounds like, if you're watching a movie, do you think that it would be romantic in
a fairy tale if the guy was the main character and he got everything he
wanted in life and he was celebrated and admired, but the woman was just this
little mousy thing who, you know, there was nothing important or special about
her and she just lived to, you know, kind of fan his flame? No, that's not, that's
not cool. That's not romantic. But guys, unfortunately, we do kind of see this in
Disney movies and a lot of romantic movies where it's like the woman is just
hoping to be rescued. That's all she really wants is just to be rescued and
then the knight shines shining armor, rides in and rescues her and, you know,
that's it. It's a situation where it's just like, oh, you know, I'm just a damsel
in distress and I need to be rescued and then I get rescued and it's just like,
okay, now what? Now I'm just some dude's wife. Okay, so friends, we've got to undo
those scripts because God created us in his image. Male and female, did he create
them? What does that mean? That means that we're equally powerful in God. That we're
two different halves of a complete vision of what God looks like. And so
it's important that we not only have both of us, but we have both of us
showing up as who God created us to be as men and as women. And the reason why I
say that is because remember, the curse didn't just separate us from God, it
separated us from ourselves, like our true identities as men and women, and
then it also separated us from each other. So Sandy, thank you for sharing.
Nicole, you're up.
Hey, can you hear me all right?
I can.
Okay, perfect. In my final analysis, the big one that I saw, well, two, scarcity,
but the bigger one was passive faith. Just believing, you know, hey, when it's
supposed to happen, it's going to happen. It doesn't matter what I do, it's just
going to come about in the right time. And so I think that one's definitely
held me back. And I think that comes from like just growing up and the Bible
In church culture over the past, you know, my whole life really, I'm in my early 40s now, but
church culture and people telling you, oh, it's just going to happen when it's time and
believing in. Okay, so I want to ask you, I would love to ask you a couple of questions about that.
Okay. Sure. So Nicole, how old are you? I'm 42. Okay. And have you ever been married? No. Have
you ever been close to being married? No, ma'am. Okay. So how frustrating is the idea that
it's just going to show up in God's time and no one knows what that is. Cause that's a mystery.
And if it's meant to happen, it will happen. I mean, doesn't that, isn't that so like,
it's disempowering. Yeah. And it doesn't, it has, it has it, I'm not gonna put words in your mouth,
but has it at any point in time made you kind of mad at God? Yeah. You got three times like God,
you know, why are you holding out? Like, I think I'm a great person. And why hasn't this happened
yet? So you have to work through those emotions and then kind of say, okay, what do I need to do
different? And that's why I love your program. It's definitely helping me with like learning
how to change and learning how to take responsibility. I'm not all the way there,
but at least it's helping me to start changing mindsets and seeing things differently than I
have in the past. And you're talking about last year single. Yes, ma'am. Okay. And you're talking
about getting out of this proverbial waiting room and actually taking accountability for your own
love story. All right, girl. I love it. You guys passive faith script is so frustrating because it
looks good on the outside. It's like, Oh, we're surrendering to God. We're surrendering to his
will, not our will. And because that is not what scripture tells us to do in our lives,
not just our love lives, but in any area of our life, it tells us to, to, to, uh, actively partner
with our faith by doing corresponding action. In fact, the Bible says that faith without
corresponding action is dead religion. It's just dead religion. Meaning it's not going to
bear any fruit. It's just, you know, it's just going through the motion. It's just rituals.
It's just noise. Okay. You'll know that scripture as faith without works is dead, but if you expand
it into its actual meaning for us Americans that had ancient languages translated into English,
it's important to understand that it's saying faith, which can what move mountains. If you
have even a little bit of it is without corresponding action works, any kind of works,
no works that correspond to the faith. Meaning if you believe this, it should look like something
belief requires action. So if I believe this, then my action is going to correspond to my belief.
And then that is what's going to give the breakthrough. Okay. It's one of those situations
where, you know, one waters and plants. What is that? You guys, would we, would we put seed in
the ground? Will we plant it in the ground? Will we water it? If we didn't believe that somehow
that seed grows into a tree, it grows into a, it grows into a crop. No, we wouldn't do that.
But because we have faith that that seed does that we plant it and we water it, but it says,
who gives the increase God who provides the fruit of our action. God, do you guys see how important
that is? Would you ever have a crop? If you didn't plant in water, would you, if you didn't
plant and someone waters, if there isn't any planting doing, if there isn't any watering
happening, then guess what? You can sit outside all day long and look at your fields and say,
God, I'm just believing you for increase. It's not that God can't cause miraculous increase without
our action, but he very rarely does. I just want to let you know that if you look in the Bible and
you read all the stories, you will see that humans did their part and God did his. Humans did their
part. Even if the human part was weird, even if the human part was, Hey, go borrow some, go borrow
some vases from your friends and start filling up them with oil. Even though you've only got a
little bottle of oil to start filling them up. Yeah. That's kind of cuckoo. Hey, you know, get,
bring me that fish and bread. You know, I'm going to feed this whole group of people. Okay. You know,
I got to bring that to you, Jesus. I got to, you know, I got to go wash myself in the Jordan,
that dirty, nasty river. Why? Because I'm doing my part. You guys, you will see that there is
God's part in our part. And when those things come together, that's when the miraculous happens.
All right. That was beautiful. Thank you. And Kim, you're next.
Oh, sorry. Um, I would say my pattern is probably looking for rejection and finding avoidant guys,
or if they are interested, then pushing them away and maybe sabotaging it subconsciously.
All right. So they like you and then you
push them away. How do you push them away? What does that look like?
Actually, one of my exes told me that he thinks he feels like I'm doing how to lose a guy
in 10 days.
So I think, um, I think I'm more comfortable with rejection.
And so if, if it's, if someone's interested, I'm just looking at how I can turn it into
something I'm comfortable with.
So pushing them away, um, by being jealous or, um, maybe controlling or I don't know,
demanding.
Okay.
So you actually do something like that movie, how to lose a guy in 10 days, you do something
that actually drives them away.
Yeah.
Not to that degree, but yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you don't, you don't buy a fern and call it your baby.
Okay.
All right.
Our love fern.
This is our love fern.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes.
But what you're doing is, is you're, you know, you're doing something that a lot of
anxious attachers do.
You guys, if you come into the program last year, single, we will dig into your insecure
attachment styles.
For those of you that have them, we actually have a quiz so we can find out where you are
on the spectrum.
You guys attachment style is a spectrum.
It's not a situation where it's one and done.
It's a spectrum.
Just like love languages is also a spectrum.
I think you should have all five love languages and I think there's more than five, but people
are said, Oh, I'm just this.
This is it.
This is the only place.
That's the only way that I feel love.
Well, it might be the primary way that you feel loved, but you should feel loved by all
the other ones as well.
Okay.
You should, you should be multifaceted in your love language.
You should be able to be touched for those people that say, well, you know, touch isn't
my love language.
No, you're a human being that it's been scientifically proven that if we don't get touched and touched
often, we begin to die.
Did you guys know that longevity depends on you being touched?
It's part of the longevity model.
Gotta be touched.
Do you guys know that they have professional cuddlers?
I saw this documentary about people that are professional cuddlers.
There's nothing sexual about it, but these are people that will actually, just like having
a massage and you know, for you singles that can afford it, I really tell you, go get massages
as much as possible because someone's touching you and it's good for you to be touched.
It's good for you to be rubbed non-sexually.
It's good for you to have non-sexual touch, right?
If you have friends, you guys don't be afraid to hug them and hug them tight.
Professional people, when you need a hug, hey, I just really need a hug, will you give
me a hug?
I just really need to be hugged right now, but these professional cuddlers, you can make
an appointment just like you would getting a massage and they will just, you just go
take a nap with them.
You just go cuddle, you know, just go cuddle them.
That's what you do.
There's cuddles.
Okay, so I think that it's a spectrum attachment style, but what she's talking about is on
the spectrum of the insecure attachment style called anxious attachment.
What anxious attachers will do is they're so afraid of being abandoned.
They're so afraid of someone betraying them or hurting them or abandoning them, rejecting
them that they actually cause it to happen.
It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They'll actually start to exhibit behavior that drives people away from them because
they're so afraid that people are going to leave.
And I know that sounds very, you know, counterintuitive, but obviously they're not doing it on purpose.
And so helping you to address your insecure attachment and where it comes from is something
that I specialize in.
In fact, I'm close to getting my certification in attachment styles and then I'll be doing
a lot more attachment coaching once I do that, but we do a lot of it already in Last Year
Single.
All right, so that's beautiful.
And now that you see it, you can't unsee it.
I know that you already knew you were doing it, but a lot of times we can see what we're
doing, but we don't know why.
We don't know the why behind the what.
And this is what I want to say to you.
I said this to my niece today when we were in the car coming home from church.
I'm going to say it to you.
Trauma doesn't just hurt us.
It creates different versions of us.
Go ahead and write that down.
That's from my heart work in Last Year Single.
It's from my book.
It's from the coaching and the curriculum.
Trauma doesn't just hurt you.
It creates a different version of you.
And this is where insecure attachment styles come from.
They come from trauma.
Whether that's in the womb, whether that's generational trauma, whether that's trauma
from relationship that you know about that you've been through, it creates insecure attachment.
And often attachment is formed by five years old.
So it's going to be something that, you know, was programmed into you early in life.
Even maybe from the womb, it might be the way that your parents attach to you, to others.
It just kind of inherited it from them because you learn how to attach by watching them.
Maybe no trauma happened to you.
You just have a traumatized parent that went through a lot of things.
So trauma doesn't just hurt us.
It creates different versions of us.
And those different versions of us are why we're not living big, abundant, beautiful
lives.
Because it's not the trauma that's going to keep you from living a big, beautiful life
that God planned for you.
It's the lies that you.
believe because of the trauma.
You guys know that's true.
Very true.
Right.
So we got to get, we got to get to the root of that, you guys.
And that's not just inner healing.
Um, that's a lot of different things kind of rolled up into one thing
that we call heart work or soul work.
Okay.
So thanks for sharing.
Um, who's next.
I can go next.
You guys, the, the replays are intuitive.
They're right at the top of the app in the toolbar.
So you might need to refresh your app.
You might need to maybe download the newest version of it from the, from the
store, but right here at the very top, you see community, you see announcements,
you see courses, you see replays.
It's an actual category all by itself.
And if you hit replays, you're going to see my internet.
You're going to see the replays for all five of our live sessions here.
Well, if you're not going to see all five of them yet, but when they're
there, you're going to see them.
Okay.
The most recent version of last year, single app is 5.8 0.1.
You can see at the bottom of your profile.
And so if you don't have that, that might be why you're not
seeing replays for some reason.
So go to the app store.
Obviously the app is free download the most recent version of it
so that you can get caught up.
All right.
Okay.
All right.
I just want everyone to get on the same page.
And I see a lot of chitter chatter in the, in the comments about replays.
I want you to be able to get those replays.
All right.
Okay.
You guys, this is really good stuff.
I'm going to take a couple more.
Uh, who, who was just talking?
Who did I just talk to?
Was it Lisa or was it someone else?
Yeah, I was not.
I think that's what I thought.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um, so yeah, the two that really came out for me, um, definitely
passive faith, I resonate with that.
Um, being a lifelong Christian, but also scarcity.
Um, I had dealt with anxiety throughout my life off and on.
And so there was a message that I told myself that who
would want to deal with that.
And I feel like through my own face, but also through like nervous
system work and all of that, I feel like I've really come through a lot of that.
It's still not fully, but it's significantly like night and day different.
Um, like I don't even look like the same person in my family.
Um, awesome.
Yeah.
I went from like the glue that held my family together is what I was told.
Okay.
Yeah.
You guys, a lot of scripts, a lot of, lot of, uh, family.
Um, you know, the, not just origin family dynamics, but also our place in the
origin family birth order plays into things, but Lisa, I was just going to
tell you that that's my story as well.
Um, I dealt with severe mental health issues starting at about 20 years old.
I met Jesus at 22.
It didn't just magically get better as people think that everything should,
when you meet Jesus, everything is magically better, the perseverance and
the grace to deal with what I was going through obviously went to a whole other
level.
There was lots of different breakthroughs that I had over the course of time, but
I did not believe that anyone would want to sign up to deal with someone who had
the kinds of mental health, uh, diagnoses and issues that I had specifically
anxiety disorder, panic disorder, um, obsessive compulsive disorder, some
different things that were, um, you know, really plaguing me, especially in my
twenties and into my early thirties.
But my current husband of 20 years, when I tried to tell him about why he
shouldn't want to be with me, hopefully this is encouraging to you.
Um, he knew me.
Okay.
It wasn't like a first date conversation.
We were next door neighbors.
We had known each other for months and months.
We had done carpools together.
We had watched each other's children.
We'd spent many times talking with each other and spending time as, you know, as
co-parent neighbors and different things.
Um, but when he expressed interest in me romantically, I was very quick to let him
know what was wrong with me and why that shouldn't be something he's interested in
doing.
And he absolutely was, um, you know, not interested in my opinion of that.
So he wasn't even the least bit deterred by that.
And so I just want to let you know, there's a lot of people out there that are not
just trauma informed, not that he was, but they're very compassionate.
And I believe with all my heart that our spirit mates, not that there's one of one
for all of us, you know, the, the one, but I do believe that there are people that we
will meet that have absolute grace and compassion for our situations, for the
situations that we've been in in the past, and that are able to hold space with us and
be in relationship with us and even marriage with us.
Does that sound good?
So regardless of that is whether you have some sort of physical situation, like a
disease, a diagnosis, whether it is you have some sort of mental health situation.
whether it is that you have some sort of venereal,
sexually transmitted disease that is incurable,
according to the doctors,
whether that's you have a former spouse
that is horrible to deal with,
someone who they have unmedicated mental health issues
or personality disorders,
and you've got to deal with them
because you have small kids,
you have years and years and years
to deal with all the drama and conflict
that they bring to the family,
and they're like, oh, no one's going to want to marry me
because they're not going to want to marry me
because I have to deal with my former spouse.
Whether it is a situation where you have children,
maybe lots of children,
maybe children by different fathers,
gentlemen, you have children maybe by different mothers,
maybe, gentlemen, you have child support
that is like a large sum that you have to pay
and you're going to have to be paying it
for years and years,
like no woman's going to want to sign up for that.
Maybe you have adopted children.
I have so many women and men that come
and they haven't gotten married
and they're in their 40s,
so they decide to either,
they decide to foster or adopt,
and then they're like,
I don't know if anyone's going to want to sign up
for fostering and adopting with me
because I already made this decision for myself
and maybe no one's going to want to get on board with that.
I named all of those scenarios
and I could name a lot more,
and the reason why I named them
is because I have seen success stories
in all of those areas.
I have seen people with terminal brain cancer get engaged.
Okay?
I have seen people
with all kinds of different health diagnoses,
whether it's autism, whether it's ADHD,
whether it's mental health stuff,
whether it's physical body stuff.
I've seen people who can't walk that are paralyzed.
I've seen people with numerous children,
numerous mistakes in the past with relationships,
all kinds of conflicts, dramas.
I've seen it all.
So you can't ever show up here and tell me
that your love story can't overcome
whatever circumstances you may have
because I already know different
because I've already seen it.
I'm not even wishful thinking.
I'm not even believing in faith.
I've already just seen it.
It's not just possible, it's probable because it's happened.
So hopefully that's encouraging to someone,
but thank you for sharing that
and thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that
because there's so many people in here
that probably are rowing that boat with you.
All right, Noel, what do you got?
Oh, so two things.
The passive faith script stuck out to me
and the scarcity script stuck out to me.
Wait, in your dating autopsy?
I'd say in past relationship autopsy.
And when I look at other past,
I haven't been in that many relationships,
but in the couple of relationships that I did have,
I also noticed that in periods of really high stress,
I became super clingy, like unhealthily clingy.
And that like usually caused a catastrophic ending.
So when I-
Let me ask you this,
were you having stress in your own life
going through something
and then you became kind of codependent
or you're saying that the stress,
the relationship was stressful and then you became clingy?
I'm just trying to understand.
Like stress in my life and then I became clingy.
Okay, so you were going through something hard in your life
and so you try to kind of hold on to them
to kind of keep you afloat
because you felt like you were sinking.
And that's normal, right?
You know, that's normal.
And here's one thing that I want to say about this,
because I think all of you need to know this,
is that while that may be difficult
in a new relationship or early in relationship,
that might be a situation where the relationship
is not strong enough to handle that, okay?
But that absolutely will be part of marriage,
where one of you is weak, the other one is strong.
Like when my mom got really sick
and she was, you know, essentially transitioning, dying,
you know, I don't like to use the word dying
because I don't believe that we die, we transition, okay?
None of us are gonna die.
Jesus took the keys of death and hell.
Yeah, we're gonna leave these bodies,
but we're not gonna die.
There's no such thing as death anymore, okay?
So while my mom was leaving
and transitioning from this earth,
it was really rough, it was really hard,
she was really fragile, she was really ill,
and I really leaned into my husband,
I leaned into him a lot.
I was very needy, I was very codependent,
if you like that word.
In fact, I wasn't interdependent.
You guys, when we're strong in marriage,
I want you to pay attention to this,
this is really important, okay?
When you're strong in marriage,
there's no circumstances coming against you,
you're interdependent with your spouse.
You're both pulling your weight,
you guys are both doing what you do,
all the things are happening,
you're partnered, and it's an equal partnership
for the most part, it should be, you want it to be.
But then life happens, and one of you,
and this is what I love about God,
it's not gonna, you're not gonna be down
at the same time, most likely.
When one of you starts to deal with something, okay, whatever that thing is,
the other person is kind of going to hold you up.
Doesn't the Bible say it's better that you go together because if one of you
falls in the ditch, the other one can pull out, pull you out.
Doesn't it say that doesn't say two is better than one.
One can put to flight a thousand, but two, 10,000,
it's important that we understand that partnership is important.
Agreement is important. You know, marriage is important,
but unlike every other relationship you'll ever have in your life,
it's where the two become one, you become one.
And so here's what I want to say to you is that once you get married,
it's no longer about what's happening to them. It's happening to both of you.
Right?
And so you're going to sometimes have to lean on the
strengths of your spouse, whether it's a man, you know, guys,
whether it's a woman, ladies, whether, you know, you're, you know,
I know we always think of men as being the strong ones that are going to carry us
through hard times,
but women also are the strong ones and carry men through hard times as well.
So just remember that that is the model and
understanding that it's okay to lean in.
It's okay to be needy in your marriage, um,
at certain in certain seasons and for certain and for certain things. Okay.
So Jennifer, you are most likely just doing that because you're just mostly
doing, you're most likely doing that before the relationship was strong enough
to handle it.
And so what I want to say to all of you is that in those early seasons of
relationship, it's important that you lean into your, you know,
the other people in your life,
not into necessarily this person that you're just getting to know.
Now you need to lean into them a little bit because if they don't got what it
takes to be married,
if they don't have what it takes to support at least somewhat during some kind
of trial in your life, then they're not the right person for you.
But you want to make sure that you're also leaning into people that know you
well and people that can really truly support you during those times as well.
Okay. All right. All right.
You guys want to go ahead and push forward into the rest because we are getting
up here at 45 minutes in. All right,
let me just do this real quick.
Okay. All right.
I'm going to go ahead and put you guys in a breakout and I,
for all of you that didn't get a chance to share just now, you're going to have,
you're going to get a chance to share. Now do not suck all the air out of the
room and do not be a yapper.
Do not take up all the time because I'm only going to give you guys about six
minutes and I just want you to share what's going on in your life right now.
About six minutes and I just want you to share the pattern that you found and if
you didn't do the homework,
hopefully you were able to kind of do it in your head and say,
I think this is my pattern. Okay.
So let me go ahead and get y'all in these breakouts.
Going to put, put two to three of you, maybe three to four of you in a room.
Give everyone a chance to tell everybody else what's up.
All right. All right.
You're going to see if you've never done a breakout on zoom and a lot of you
don't have your cameras on, I really encourage you to put your camera on.
Um, your future spouse might be in here. All right.
You probably want to put your camera on unless you're doing something crazy like
taking a shower. Then let's go ahead. If you close her off, your cameras off.
Okay. That's our rule of thumb around here.
But when I put you in these breakout rooms, uh, before you go in,
there's something that's going to pop up on your screen to say, you know,
except going into the breakout room, you're going to have to say yes to that.
And here we go.
Okay.
Welcome back everyone.
We're going to give just a 26 seconds here for everyone to come in from their
room.
Okay.
Hope you guys are all learning something great tonight,
at least feeling encouraged, feeling empowered.
That is all really important in this process.
You guys come back in from.
Breakouts your mics will a lot of times be unmuted. So please be careful that you're not
Talking saying something to someone or doing something that will make you feel embarrassed because you know, you're like
Where's that noise coming from? You're like, oh, it's me
So just be careful because a lot of times the mics will be unmuted when you get back in. All right
We're all back in the room. Hello. Hello. Hopefully you guys had some good shares with each other
I think that's awesome
Right. So the very next thing that we want to go over is the reading
We're gonna go over to some of what you read in this reading assignment for week two
and the most important thing that we're gonna get over go over right now is that
The way that dating apps have been created is they've actually been created to keep you on
them and that shouldn't surprise any of you because
capitalism
right
the dating app is not meant for you to
Find someone and marry them and
Discontinue your use of the dating app the dating app and this is a surprise for a lot of people
But I write I write about this in the book. The dating app has been created with the same
Psychology the engineers that created the apps
Okay, the computer engineers that created the apps with the same psychology as a casino
Play reward play reward play reward swipe reward pull the lever cronk reward, okay
Some of you know what I'm talking about just now
so
That is what it's built on it wants you to feel confused at the myriad of options that it's giving you and
That you stay swiping to try to find the perfect option to try to find the winner winner chicken dinner
And even though you might get a date off of an app when you're on that date
It wants you to have the fear that you're missing out on someone even better
That you haven't met yet on the app and I talk about a I talk about a jelly
Experiment. Did you guys all read about the jelly experiment?
the jam experience
The jam experiment a lot of people have probably never heard of that
But if you're ever in a sociology class in college, you're going to learn about the jam experiment and basically
It's an experiment that just shows us that humans
Don't need a lot of options
And I just want to let you know that I didn't even need the jam experiment to know that about myself
All I need is Cheesecake Factory to know that about myself
When I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I always get the same thing
But I still spend 35 minutes looking at the very extensive
20 page
Menu that weighs about 45 pounds
Okay
And if you've been to the Cheesecake Factory, you know
Even though you know that you're going to be a creature of habit and go ahead and order the same thing that you always order
You're gonna see page after page after page. It's a heavy book of
What American and Greek and Italian and Thai, you know and in Asian and Thai and this and that it's like how can one restaurant have the
Audacity to think that it can do all these different genres of food
You know that you're just gonna get the egg rolls. Okay, the avocado egg rolls
You know, you're gonna get those and then you know that you're gonna get whatever else it is that you usually get at every restaurant
the chicken dish the salmon dish the
Salad okay, or a burger or a steak. That's what you're gonna get. Let's not kid ourselves here
And so I didn't need the jam study the jam experiment to tell me that I'm indecisive
But what the jam study shows us is that there aren't people that are indecisive and then other people that are really decisive
Okay, there are people
That are really
Decisive and I'm going to teach you that this in the rest of this book club
Because they're making decisions based on three to five criterias
I'm gonna help you become a decider
You're not gonna be dating like a disgruntled dater someone who has too many options someone who's confused
You're not gonna be dating like a disgruntled dater. You're not gonna be dating like a
Disgruntled dater someone who has too many options someone who's confused someone who doesn't know their own heart someone who's settling for less than what they
Deserve you're gonna become a matchmaker your own matchmaker and then hopefully the matchmaker of other people around you in your community
People and that are in proximity to you
By what by finding out really what it is that you really need not the things you think you need not your
Preferences and for those of you that just will take anything with a pulse
Not just your desperation
But what you really need in a partner and being able to check that off really quickly
I know that a lot of dating coaches are like don't have a list don't have a
List, uh-uh, have a list, just have the right list.
You have to have the right list.
And ladies, unless you're six feet tall,
I can't say six feet tall on it.
That's preferences, that's not non-negotiables.
If you're six feet tall, I'll let yours say six feet tall.
I'll sign off on that being a non-negotiable
because you a big girl.
But I'm 5'10 and I'm married to a man
who thinks he's 5'8, but he's probably 5'7 1⁄2
and you know what, it works.
He's, he's my admin tonight
because my usual admin is off with family
and I hear him over here going, that's not true.
All right, he's 5'8, he's 5'8.
And in his cowboy boots, he's 5'9.
I have a theory, ladies, that all men are 5'8, okay?
So just give it up.
Okay, so it's important that we understand
that we can have a list and we get our list
of non-negotiables based on really knowing ourselves,
not what we need because of trauma,
not what we need because we need to feel safe,
not because we need because of this,
but because what we really need in a spouse, in a partner.
For instance, for those of you that have children,
you need a partner that is going to love your children
and that just actually loves children.
Someone who is gonna be a blessing to those children
because this is not just your love story,
it's their love story too.
So it's fair to put that on your non-negotiables
and we're gonna talk about non-negotiables next week
and the week after, we're not gonna talk about them tonight.
The reason why I'm talking about them
is because we're talking about making decisions
and the more that you drill down on this list
and I'm gonna help you to drill down on it
as we go forward, the quicker decision maker
you're gonna be.
But then during this jam study, guess what?
Two different aisles in the same grocery store,
people being presented with 24 different jellies
and jams to try and then the other, I think it was six,
can't remember off the top of my head,
but the bottom line is is that the one that had less choices
made more sales.
You know why?
Because 24 different jellies, guess what?
Some of them are gonna start tasting like each other,
aren't they?
And it goes with anything.
If you have four or five perfumes to choose from,
you're gonna like one better than the others.
But if you have 25 to choose from,
you're gonna have a hard time differentiating the smells
at some time, at some level.
Better, more options is not better.
Better options is good, but more options is not better.
Do we understand that?
So the people that made the apps knew this.
They knew the psychology of casinos.
And the psychology of casinos
is just keep them playing the game.
Just keep them playing the game.
The more they play the game,
the more that we're gonna get their money
because the house always wins.
But the way that they keep you playing the game
is by giving you small rewards.
You play the slot machine, you win 30 bucks,
you're like, wow, this works.
You go on the dating app,
you swipe and match with someone who's kind of attractive
and you're like, woohoo, I matched.
They picked me, I picked them.
Wow, this works.
This could really work.
The problem is, is that,
and gentlemen, this is not on you, okay?
You guys are here.
You obviously really wanna dig in to why you're single
and you want to get married.
But the majority of men on dating apps,
ladies, there's lots of men on dating apps,
and the majority of men, this is a proven fact
what I'm about to say.
It's not fiction.
It's not fan fiction.
It's not female fiction.
It's a fact.
The majority of men, a large percentage,
over 70% of men on dating apps are there to hook up.
They're hookup apps for them.
And guess what?
They swipe on anyone.
You know what they're playing?
They're not playing, is this my wife?
They're playing, is this my Saturday night hookup?
You guys ever heard of that game, smash or pass?
And smash means to get it on, to bump uglies,
to bump monkeys, whatever you like,
to say, to hump and dump.
I don't care.
The kids have all kinds of phrases nowadays.
But they're basically playing pass or smash, pass or smash.
I'd hit that.
I'd smash that.
I'd do that.
That's what's happening there.
And that's why they're matching
with tons and tons and tons of women
hoping that one of them has, you know,
their morals or their guard or their standards low enough to be their conquest for the week.
I know that's really sad, but it's true about dating apps. And ladies, you're swiping on,
you're swiping right on less men. You're actually reading profiles, you're looking at pictures,
you're swiping, you're swiping yes on less people. So you're getting less matches,
you're getting less dates. You see how this is working? Okay. So apps are like a casino.
The house always wins. They want to keep you there hoping that you're going to meet the love
of your life. Hoping that the next swipe is going to be the one hoping that the next $25
you get to see the secret matches are going to be the magic bullet of happiness. And so I really
want to encourage you for the purpose of this book club to put your apps on pause for the rest of our
time together. I can't force you to, I'm not going to come to your house and make sure you do it,
but I want to help you date differently. 70% of Christians are still getting married from
dating apps. I think it's like 72%. So somebody's meeting somebody good there,
but I guarantee you that they're not meeting people out of desperation and they're not meeting
people based on their preferences. They're meeting people because they've gotten very clear
about who they are and what they want and they are using the apps and the apps are not using them.
So I want to help you do that. So you read in the book about Sandra, about her 11 hours,
she hadn't gotten any dates. She had spent, you know, months and months on the app. She had no
fruit to show for it. You guys, if that's how dating apps are for you, I want to encourage
you to put them on pause. If you have no problem getting tons of dates from apps, but none of them
are good dates. If you have no problem getting relationships from dating apps, but none of them
have been good relationships, put it on pause because the common denominator is you. You on
the dating app is not a good combination for some reason because dating apps are tools just like
everything else. And even though they weren't built to help you get married, we can break the
algorithm. We can get through a loophole and play it at its own game and win, but you don't know how
to do that yet. And so I'm going to help you to do that during the course of this book club.
All right. Okay. All right. So let's talk about what we're going to do instead of the apps for
those of you. And I want to see in the comments right now, if you're willing to put your apps
on pause for the next four and a half weeks, go ahead and let me see you in the chat.
Just say me, just put a heart, put a thumbs up, say yes, whatever you want to do. Some of you
are like, I'm not even on the apps, Jackie. So it's good. You're like, why, why, why do we have
to pause? Why can't we just apply what we learned while we're learning it? Because I want you to get
clear. Some of you are on the pod on the dating apps out of desperation. Cause you don't meet
anyone anywhere else. You're on them for attention. You're on them to try to, you know, make one last
ditch effort. Just so you know, ladies, especially, I want to tell you this gentlemen, some of you may
fall into this category, but it's mostly going to be ladies. If you're out in this dating climate,
looking for a savior. Okay. If you're out in this dating climate, you know,
looking for someone to save you, looking for someone to rescue you, looking for someone to,
you know, um, complete you, you're going to find an oppressor.
That energy is always going to bring back to you things that you do not want. So if in your dating
autopsy, you had a lot of broken relationships with men who turned out not to be who they said
they were gentlemen, like once again, this could be happening to you as well. I have seen this
happen to some nice guys for sure. End up with women that are abusive and, you know,
hypergamous or using you all the different things, but it usually happens to women,
women who fall too fast, have anxious attachment, let people in too quickly, all the different
things. And if that's you and I'm, and I, and I'm sure that if I asked you to raise your hands,
a lot of you would raise your hands. This came out in your dating autopsy.
It's really important that you learn to do this differently. Okay. Because the law of attraction
is biblical. What you believe in your heart about yourself, you become and what you become,
you attract that's in the book of Proverbs. And so you are attracting back to yourself,
what you believe you deserve. And I know that's a hard pill to swallow. I totally understand that
it is. And once again, we're not victim shaming. Hopefully we're setting you free from victim.
so that you don't continue to victimize yourself.
Because at some point, you know, yes, they're the villain,
but you become an accomplice.
You become an accomplice and it's important, okay?
So let me say it this way.
If you've been in more than one relationship,
more than one relationship where the person turned out
to be a user, abuser, liar, cheater, beater,
a narcissist, a whatever, gentlemen,
this is for you as well.
If you've been in more than one,
meaning you've been in two or more,
the problem is you, and I love you.
But it's something that you're believing,
it's something that you're dismissing,
it's something that you're overlooking,
it's something that you're acquiescing to,
and we have to find those blind spots.
Otherwise, you are going to lather, rinse, repeat this.
And can I tell you something?
Dating apps are a very dangerous place to be
if you have that kind of pattern.
Okay, all right, so if we're not gonna be on the apps,
we're like, Jackie, where are we gonna meet people?
I'm glad you asked.
Because you read, and we talked about,
in the first couple chapters of the book,
you read about the village that we lost, right?
You read about this beautiful village.
You read about the timeline of dating
and how we used to date and how we used to court
and how our families were involved.
You guys, do you know that back in the day,
you couldn't cheat on your husband or wife if you wanted to
because everybody was watching you?
You know how hard it was to commit adultery?
Not that people didn't.
There are people that did,
but the thing is is that nobody really wanted to do that,
and the reason why is because you would lose your village.
You'd be kind of kicked out.
You'd be blackballed.
Remember all those Jane Austen movies
where if you did anything out of decorum,
if you ran off, if you fornicated,
if you had sex before marriage,
if it was even in question whether or not
you were off doing something that you shouldn't be doing,
if you tried to elope, straight to jail.
Remember that Parks and Rec episode?
Overcooked chicken, jail.
Undercooked fish, believe it or not, jail.
Okay, you guys are gonna make a lot of references
to funny movies and shows because, you know,
I don't know, that's who I am,
but I will say that in those movies,
there's always some guy who's like,
I don't have any money and you don't have any money,
but come and run away with me
and we'll just live together and screw society
and it's all good and it's just like if she does that,
she's never going to be allowed back
into polite society ever again.
She's not, okay?
You see this in Jane Austen with her sister Kitty.
You see this whole situation.
In fact, that's how Darcy wins Jane Austen's heart
because he goes and he fixes the situation
even though her sister was a little, you know,
she's a little ho-ho, ho-ho-ho, all right?
So, you guys, we lost this village.
We lost this accountability system.
We lost the safety system.
We lost, you know, just having intimate relationships
with this group of people that kept us safe,
that kept us marrying good people,
that kept the community alive.
It was in the community's best interest
for you to marry well
because you were going to be part of the community.
So we lost this, but you guys, we can bring it back
and that's what we're doing at Last Year Single.
We're bringing back the village
and our new app that's coming out this summer
at the end of August
is going to be a community-based dating app.
So you're going to be able to date within community.
You're going to be able to meet people
that other people vouch for and that other people know.
It's going to be a really beautiful situation.
We're very excited about it.
It's been a long time in coming.
For those that have been around for a while,
you can attest to that.
But you guys, we have to bring back the village
and so now I'm going to teach you
how to bring back your own village
and I want to do this in about four or five,
about the next six or seven minutes
so that we can take some questions, okay?
So I write in this book
and I've mentioned this in a lot of my teaching
and I've mentioned this even in other books
that I've written and that is,
we have something called the six degrees of separation
and I mentioned this last week as well, just briefly.
But it just basically means that somebody knows somebody
who knows somebody who knows your spirit mate.
You're only six people away from knowing everyone
in the whole eight plus billion people world.
Six people away.
You might not know who those other five people are.
They get you to, you know, who's your favorite movie star?
Put it in the chat.
Who's your favorite movie star?
Let's see it.
Who's your favorite movie star?
David, my husband's over here saying Ryan Gosling
is his favorite movie star.
Is that mine or yours?
He's saying that's mine.
He's silly.
Ryan is hideous.
He's ugly.
He's mid.
As the kids would say you guys know I'm totally kidding. Okay, a Sean Connery. I don't think he's alive
Okay, you guys they can only be living they have to be living or this doesn't work
Because otherwise you're one degree of separation from Sean Connery just find out where he's buried and you can go over there and there you
Are there's you and there's Sean?
All right
All right, so we got some good ones in here we have Channing Tatum we have Tom Cruise we have Tom Hardy Sandra Bullock
Robin Williams Keira Knightley Viola Davis. Okay, so I know that you don't know
How you get there, but this is science you guys
It's social science and it's been proven that you're only five people from yourself
Six degrees of separation from each and every one of these people
You
Anyone alive on earth
You're only five people away you being the sixth degree of separation you're only six people away including yourself from
these people
And
That's why when I have conferences in-person conferences
I often tell people hey the key to whatever it is that you're looking for is probably sitting right next to you in
the form of a human being and
That's why if you want to be successful in life, not just your love life
But in life in general you will become a lover of people you will become a student of people
You will become the friendliest person that ever
Walked the earth the reason why I'm a good matchmaker and some of you have met me in person and some of you actually live
In Austin, you know me in person. You've done a little bit of life with me
You might go to my church or whatever and you can attest that. I'm a very friendly person
I talk to people. I'm one of those people that talks to strangers a lot. I talked to a stranger today
He had two cute dogs and I said, hey your dogs are chick magnets
I said, which one is your wife's favorite because he had a golden retriever and then he had a little wiener dog
I said, which one is your wife's favorite? He goes. Oh, I'm not married
I knew he wasn't married
But I wanted him to say he wasn't married and the way that I got him to say he wasn't married by asking him
Which dog his wife liked better?
See the sneakiness there the Jehovah sneakiness, okay, and so he said I
Don't have a wife and I said, oh I said well with these two dogs. You're gonna have one soon and
Then we started talking about him his love life and all the things you guys this is how this happens
This is how this works and a lot of you that are introverted. You're like that sounds scary
You don't got to start look at okay, if there's ten levels to friendliness
I'm level 10 and I've been level 10 since I was born
Okay, it's okay for you more introverted folks to maybe start at level two
It's alright
It's okay
But it's important to understand that somebody has the key to your breakthrough
Regardless of what area it is that you want breakthrough in
Somebody knows someone who has the resource that you need
Beautiful right
Okay, and we have technology to help connect us so technology is not bad you guys because technology is helping direct
To connect us to people. We don't know I needed a couch for our space
We have a space called wheelhouse and I needed a certain kind of couch
So I looked it up on Facebook marketplace and guess what some stranger that I've never ever met before had that couch
They had that resource. They had what I needed and they didn't need it anymore
so they were selling it and I was able to go over to their house and
purchase that couch I
Want you to raise your hand if you know more than two people
You know more than two people raise your hand
Okay, keep your hand up if you know more than five people, you know more and I'm talking about you know them well
Not oh, I met them once or twice. You actually know more than five people
Okay, keep your hand up if you know more than ten people
Keep your hand up if you know more than twenty people
I'm not saying you talk to them every single day on the phone, but you know them, you know them
If I brought their name up to you, they would know you that's kind of the litmus test
They know you by name, you know them by name you worked with them
You went to school with them. You went to church with them. You went to college with them
You know them by name, you know them by name
You know them by name you worked with them you went to school with them you went to church with them
Maybe in a past season doesn't matter
They're a friend of
friend that used to be your neighbor, maybe they're related to you,
maybe you were good friends at one time or another.
Now you've kind of lost touch a little bit,
but they would know you immediately, your name. If I said, Oh, hey,
do you know, um, do you know Sandy Hernandez? They were like, Oh yeah,
I know Sandy. Okay. Put, keep your hand up. If you know, 30 people,
30 people would recognize your name. If I told them,
you guys, there's a lot of hands up for 20.
Okay. 40 people,
you know, 50 people by name.
You have more than 50 friends on Facebook and you can go and you'd be like,
yep. Know them. You can tell me how you know them.
You can tell me the times that you spent in person together and what you did.
Okay. 60
going to jump all the way up to a hundred people. I have my hand up.
I know a hundred people, a hundred people know me. I know a hundred people.
I know 200 people. Who's 200.
Anyone rowing the boat at 300 people
four.
So I hear 400 people,
500 people.
So I think that you get the point, right?
A lot of us know a lot of people and all of us know some people. And you're like,
well, Jackie, where are you going with this? If you know more than two people,
then guess what?
You have a wealth of resources in the human beings that you know.
And the human beings that you know, you don't know why you're like, well,
Jackie, I only really know about 15 people. Yeah.
But those 15 people know 15 people,
or some of them might be like some of these people that know three or four or
500 people. And those 15 people that they know,
say all of them only know two people.
Then all the 15 know at least 30 people a piece. And then you do the math.
And then it's, you know, 1500.
And then those 1500 know 15 people or 30 people a piece. And then it's,
you know, eight, 10,000 or it's 50,000. I do the math in the book.
It's mind blowing. Isn't it?
How many people you're connected to?
It's mind blowing. And guess what?
Every one of those people is represented by an ecosystem around them of other
people. When I met David,
I met him because he moved in next door to be my neighbor.
The thing that I didn't know about my new neighbor that I had never seen before,
at least I didn't think I'd ever seen him before was that he knew a lot of the
same people that I did.
We had a lot of people in common already.
So what I want you to do now, friends,
is I want you to build your relationship advisory circle out of the people that
you know, and that you trust.
I want you to have at least two people on that committee and no more than five.
How many of you are going to have hard time finding even two people that you
trust that have different spheres of influence than you that could possibly
introduce you to single people and or just speak into your life about who you're
dating?
This would be someone that you would introduce someone you're dating to and get
their feedback about what they think.
About three of you raised your hand. Okay.
So if you would have trouble building the advisory circle,
that is okay because we will help you over the course of the book club by
introducing you to new people. Some of you in here are going to get to know
each other, become friends and to become each other's advisory circle, right?
Let's go over the criteria for putting someone in your advisory circle.
They must know you well.
They must know you well because they are going to be able to get to know you
They must know you well. The real you, not the highlight, real you,
the real you. They must know you well. Number two,
they must be someone who you trust to be honest with you.
Someone who you will allow to speak into your life and you will listen to them.
Those are the two first two top top criteria. Number three,
they have networks around them that are different than yours.
You don't know the same five people like you know,
five people and they only know five people and they're the same five people
that you go to church with. Your friends and their friends are the same people.
No, they have to have a different network than you.
Meaning they work somewhere else than you. Besides where you do,
they go to church, maybe somewhere else.
Maybe they live in a different state as you. It doesn't matter.
They have a network that's different than yours.
You can have some shared network, but you have to have different networks as well.
And then number four,
you trust them enough
to be vulnerable with them, meaning that you are going to show up and you're going to tell
them the truth about what's going on in your life.
Those are the four criteria.
And then they only have two jobs.
The two jobs are to take your non-negotiables, which we're going to make later in this book
club, take those and share those with other people in their circle that know people that
are single.
Like, Hey, I have a friend.
She asked me to help match, make her, you know, this is my friend, Amanda.
This is what she's looking for.
You know, do you know anyone?
And if you don't know anyone, will you keep a lookout, you know, and if you, and also
can you share this with any of your friends, you guys, one thing you need to know is married
women, especially love to match, make, okay.
They love to match, make.
So having someone like that on your advisory circle is going to be important.
And then the second job that they have is to be honest with you about what they observe
when you do meet someone.
So whether you meet someone through them or not, if you meet someone on a dating app,
you want to eventually introduce them to your advisory circle members.
Maybe not all at the same time, but you know, here and there, and then be, let them be honest
with you about what they observe in the dynamic between you and the person that you're dating.
Okay.
That's what worked back in the village days.
That's what still works.
Right now.
Very important stuff.
All right.
Okay.
You guys, we're going to go ahead and take some time.
So you're going to, as homework, you're going to build your relationship advisory circle
next week.
We're going to start out with a breakout where I'm going to put you into chats where you
might meet someone for your advisory circle and you can talk about who's on your advisory
circle and why, okay, why you chose that person.
And I really do want you to have a formal conversation with these people and ask them
if they will be part of your advisory circle.
Say, Hey, these are the four things that I need from the four things of this, the four
reasons why I picked you, you, you check these boxes and here's the two things that I need
you to do.
I need you to keep your eyes open at work for someone to match me with at church for
someone to match me with in your friend circle for someone to match me with.
Do you already know anyone?
Okay.
Well, if you don't keep your eyes open.
And then if I do meet someone, I want to be able to run them by you and I want you
to give me your true opinion and advice.
They do not have to live by you.
They can live long distance.
In fact, Jody, it's good if they don't live by you because you want the biggest radius
of opportunity as possible.
Cool.
And this is another good reason to join last year single.
I can't tell you how many people that have been match made by other people in my program.
I know people think that all of our success stories, by the way, we're bumping up against
2000 success stories that it just happened because Jackie matched them all.
First of all, that's not possible.
That's way too many people.
And secondly, a lot of it happened because they met in the program because we have a
men, a male and female program.
So they met in the program.
That's been at least a couple dozen couples, okay, of the 2000 ish.
I think we're about, we're somewhere between 1900 and 2000 and, or they met because of
the program.
They met because of the teaching they met because of the people they met because of
the meetup groups they met because of the ecosystem.
And it's only going to get more and more now that this app, we're going to be releasing
this app.
So it's just going to be, it's going to be great.
All right.
Yes.
Thank you, Murray.
Thank you for putting up.
So if you guys wondered what those four things were, it's in your book, but also Murray in
Tampa, Florida posted it right there.
All right.
So we're going to take two questions and then we got to go cause we're at time.
So don't forget building your advisory circle and asking those people formally to be part
of your advisory circle is your homework for next week.
Plus the reading, anything else that's in the app for week three, you got to do that,
but this is your extra homework is building this advisory circle.
If you haven't done it yet, if you haven't had the conversations with these people, don't
forget you guys.
Somebody that you know, know someone who's having dinner right now with your future spouse.
They're out at a friend's dinner.
They're having dinner right now.
They're on the phone right now.
They're talking to each other.
They played pickleball earlier today with each other.
They're invited this weekend, this coming up next weekend to a wedding of somebody's.
It's true.
It's happening.
It is.
And if you haven't heard the story, so of course David and I ended up having all kinds
of friends in common.
We didn't know that before he became my neighbor.
We actually didn't know that until we started dating and I started asking around cause I
knew people that went to his church and I was like, Hey, do you happen to, I know it's
a really big church.
You guys a huge church.
10,000 people.
I said, you wouldn't happen to know this guy named David Dorman.
And would you, they're like, oh my God, I know David Dorman.
He was my Bible teacher. He was my youth pastor. He was this,
he was that brother Dorman, Mr. Dorman.
Um, something else, pastor Dorman. And I was just like, ah, okay.
So, so many people knew him. He had a really great reputation. That was amazing.
That was wonderful. And it was just like, Hey, if you knew him,
why didn't you hook a girl up? Why don't you fix a girl up?
Why didn't you introduce me before? Right?
And it's because people don't think like that. You guys,
we have to help them think like that. They don't think like that.
They don't think here's my friend, Jackie,
who's a single mom and she's wonderful. And here's my, my, my youth pastor.
This is my Bible teacher. This is someone I go to church with.
And he is divorced and a single dad. Oh, I should introduce them.
People do not pull those threads unless we help them pull those threads.
Okay. And so that's what we're going to start doing.
You're gonna start thinking like a matchmaker for yourself and for others.
That's what this whole book club is all about. All right. So, um, oh, okay.
So here's the fun story. Two years before David moved in next door to me.
And if I said this here, I can't remember where I tell this story.
I don't tell it that often, but I do tell it in book club.
I was at an event at his big mega church where I did not go.
That was not my church. In fact,
I'd heard a lot of bad things about that church. If I'm being honest,
that big mega church. And so I never went to, I didn't even visit there,
but I had a lot of friends that went to church there and I went to an event
because one of my friends invited me.
And this was at the end of my marriage. You guys,
I'm dealing with going through the preliminary parts of getting divorced.
And you know,
my mind's in a million different places and I'm really going through a hard,
hard time, hard time. You know, I'm kind of back and forth.
Should I get divorced? Shouldn't I get divorced? Like I'm just a mess.
And I go to this event and they have a big jumbotron outside. It's a,
it's called picnic with the pastor. They have carnival rides.
They have all kinds of booths and games and different things.
They have a big jumbotron like you see at the super bowl outside, you know,
mega church stuff, mega church event.
And they're playing funny videos on this mega, this, this jumbotron.
And I am standing there and I'm watching the videos. And I say to my friend,
I'm like, well, you know, what's going on? And she's like, Oh,
these are prank videos. You know, that show punked.
Remember that show punked back in the day with Ashton Kutcher MTV like that.
And I was like, Oh, who are they pranking? And she said, Oh,
they're pranking the staff of the church.
So they had taken different staff members of this mega church and they were
playing practical jokes on them. They were pranking them.
And they were very funny videos. You guys, very, very funny.
And I'm watching them and I had to leave. I told myself,
I was only going to stay for 45 minutes. And I was like, I gotta go.
So as I'm leaving a new prank video comes on the jumbotron and it's very,
very funny. And so like, I'm, I'm captivated. I have to watch till the end.
So I'm watching and I'm like, in my mind, I'm like,
as soon as this one's over, I'm out of here.
And so I'm watching and I'm laughing and it's so funny. And I say to my friend,
I said, you know, what's weird is that guy that they're pranking. I said,
he's really familiar to me. I said,
I think that him and I might've gone to school together.
And she's like, really? She's like, I, I don't think he's,
I don't think he's from, you know, she knew that I was from out of state,
you know, like not from that area. And she goes,
I think I'm pretty sure he's from here. And I was like, are you sure?
I said, I know him. And then I started racking my brain.
As I was going to my car, I was like, that guy, I know him.
I know him from somewhere. Why do I know him? I was like, I,
it's not that I just have seen him before.
Like I've been in relationship with him before. Like we went to school together.
We worked together something, right?
Have you ever had that happen where you know that you know someone,
but you just can't remember where, you know, them from that happened.
Two years later,
that man in the video became my neighbor and eight months later,
he became my husband. And a year later,
after we were married, we were moving and he popped in a VCR tape.
This is how old this story is. And he said, babe, come here.
I want to show you something funny. And I said, what? He said,
I want to show you a video of when the,
when the church pranked me for a prank series that they did.
And he pops in this video and it's the video from the jumbotron from, you know,
three and a half years earlier. And you guys, my jaw about hit the floor.
Here I am watching this video of this man that I swore up and
down that I knew from somewhere. Who's now been my husband for a year.
So don't tell me that there's not a divine aspect of
your love story.
Cause remember one plants and one waters and God gives the increase.
God can't drive a parked car,
but he absolutely can put a car that's in drive into
jet fuel.
Mode and he can take you as fast and as far as you want to go
So father God, I'm thankful for all these folks here. I'm thankful for what they're learning
I pray that they would retain it God and that it wouldn't just be information
But it would be information that they can use in
Order to put them in the right place at the right time with the right heart to step into their love story
and so as the people that are gonna be working on the
Relationship advisory circle as they begin to think about people
I pray that you would bring people to their mind people that maybe they would have never thought of before
Because maybe they feel like oh, that's too big of a favor to ask or I don't know if they think that they know me
Well enough, but you're actually gonna show them people and it might be people that they would have just dismissed before as no
I don't want them to be part of this or people that they don't feel like they can ask for
But they're gonna ask because they're gonna know after this prayer that that's a super natural thought that they're having and that person
Belongs on their advisory circle and so Lord
I thank you God that somebody knows somebody who knows their spirit mate and you right now are connecting the dots to bring them together
Not just for their happily ever after but for lineage and legacy in Jesus name. Let it be so amen
Alright friends. I had fun with you tonight. Do your homework? Do your reading do your worksheets?
Do your things build your advisory circle pray listen to Holy Spirit?
You're not just having you know, weird thoughts those thoughts are coming from God we've been praying
He's answering and I'll see you next week