Okay. All right. We're all good to go. Okay. So how's your day been going?
No, good. Not so good. I need to change my view. I can't see y'all faces like I want to.
All right. Yeah. And now I see that I look okay as well. Your day's been going good.
It's so good to see you Mika and Daisy and Amy and Nancy and Amanda and Sarah and Kiera and Rachel.
We, um, I hope that seeing some of y'all, I hope that you have lots of updates for me.
Um, I'm excited to hear from you all. Hey, Kim. Hey, Laura. Um, I guess you would say,
is your name Aerie? A-R-I or Aerie? How do you say that?
Yes, it's Aerie.
Aerie. Aerie. Okay. And, um, and I see you there. Yes, we have updates. Good. So I'm gonna get us
started with a couple of announcements. Um, kind of do a little housekeeping.
Listening won't come to delivery. If it looks up, can you let her in?
Could you hear me, Jenna? Yeah. Thanks.
So let me look at our notes here. I didn't print out those announcements.
Let's see. What do we have here?
Hmm. If anyone is new here, welcome to phase two. I do want you to tell me all about that.
Um, if this is your first day, I'm not quite looking at the screen now, but I will follow
back up with you. So, um, and then I'll tell you more about myself if this is your first time.
It doesn't look like it's someone's first time, but it could be. Um, some of you ladies have been
doing really great with putting at our name because a lot of times if that's not done,
we don't know that you've replied and you'll have to do it when you reply back. Also, I haven't
quite figured out how to tag you all because it doesn't let me. So those of you who tag us
and our name pops up in the black, please do tell me how you do that because I don't know
how to do it. And I see some, some of you ladies know how to do it. And some of you don't because
you'll do it, but it doesn't, it won't find us. You know what I'm saying? It's not in the black
or bolded. So that means it's not sending out the alert. Um, and so I'll let someone unmute and
share that in just a moment. Um, if you posted something and we haven't, um, we haven't responded,
please, please just don't, we won't be offended if you make another post and be like, Hey,
I posted this day. Um, can I get a reply back? It won't be a problem. Just help us steward the
community where we have no problem with it, you know, with different kinks and things going on
with the app. Um, I like the way everyone has been showing up, encouraging each other, celebrating
each other, receiving each other, growing together. Um, it, it makes a big difference,
you know, when you are navigating dating things and you have people on your side,
even when you feel like you were doofus or it was stupid or you shouldn't have done that.
And then you bring it to your community and they're like, it's okay. We've done the same
thing. Don't worry about that. It's not the end of the road. And so let's give yourselves a hand
for showing up that way because you ladies really are amazing. Um, don't forget about, um,
one-on-one coaching that you can do at any time. Some of us have things that cannot be
unpacked in this. And I am a champion proponent, if you want to call it a one-on-one coaching,
because I have coaches, I have therapists, I have a whole gamut of community that supports me.
And so don't ever be hesitant for that in your own personal life, um, to get the community you
need to get you healthy, to do life and do it well in every area of your life. Now I know lots
of people who have career coaches, like it is, it is a great thing. So with all that being said,
I'm going to pray. Father God, I thank you for every one of these ladies. I thank you for the
love story, um, that you have written on their behalf. I thank you that you have goodness in
store for them. I thank you, Lord God, that you want to give them the very best in life. And it
does not stop at marriage, but it comes in the most, in the greatest, on the grandest scale,
is them being whole and complete, lacking no good thing because Christ Jesus paid for that.
And so I thank you, Lord God, that marriage isn't the goal. The assignment is you and them,
and under the assignment, all these things shall be added. For the Bible says,
seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and his righteousness, that all these things shall
be added that's not it might be added that mean it's not it maybe not for me
all these things shall be added it is a guarantee and so I declare over every
one of these ladies all of these things are being added unto them in Jesus name
it comes with the covenant just a quick reminder with Jesus it comes in his
covenant amen so you know the Bible says let the
redeemed of the Lord say so you actually say so I said all of those who have
covenant with Jesus Christ say so because in the covenant all of these
things are added unto you and so anytime some thought comes to wrestle with you
about what is to be added unto you you remind your own soul about the covenant
you have with Jesus and the scripture that says all these things shall be
added timing does not determine covenant fulfillment let's just ask Abraham about
it the Bible says that he had considered himself dead in his body and Sarah was
well past her childbearing years but the Lord had given him a promise of a
son now I can actually see my marriage happening more likely than a son if any
of you guys want to think about the way that we have been programmed about the
woman's body and what it can produce and when it can't do they're pretty much
that you know we have to renew our minds in Jesus to get with the kingdom way we
forget we're in a new kingdom and in our kingdom it don't get done that way but
I'm telling you about our kingdom right now and our kingdom when somebody
considers themselves dead in their body and a woman is past her childbearing
years the covenant that they have with their God would declare a thing in it
shall be and we see it all throughout scripture and so I just want you to
remember that you're in covenant you have a covenant-keeping God and he said
that all these things shall be added unto you and so that tells me that
there's a time and a season for all things under the heaven and my time
Ecclesiastes says time and chance happens to us all and I am telling you
that time and chance will happen to you as well it has to be why not because I
said it not because if the program produces it it's because you have a
covenant and I will bank on the covenant all right the Bible says that one more
thing just have be your faith that God honors his word above his own name he
honors his word above his own a bell Elohim he honors his name that's the guy
who created all things he honors his word the Bible says that the grass
wither and the flower faded but the Word of God will endure forever heaven and
earth will pass away everything you see my past but his word will endure for
everything you'll get a husband before heaven and earth passed away we are
banking on that all right so anyway so I hope that build your faith it's
important that when we get together as a community we do a little bit of faith
building because you probably don't get it everywhere around you a lot of times
you're just busy trying to encourage yourself and so for this hour and a half
I'm gonna be the one to encourage you I'm gonna build you up you don't have to
look for the faith I'm gonna give it to you by the time I get through juicing
you up you're gonna be good to go until I see you Tuesday but I pray it takes
longer than season but if it don't you come back I'm gonna get you some more
okay all right so um tonight tonight did I miss anything tonight we're talking
about something that is really good I don't think I have these notes in order
but I will work it out as we go along one of the things that Carla made note
of and I want to also make note of is the fact that you ladies have been doing
such a good job um you've been working through some hard things I don't know if
you ladies have been checking out other people's posts or if you have time to do
that but I've seen some ladies in this community work through some really hard
things I've seen what what is most pleasing and I want you to hear this
especially if it's you I've seen women stick it out just stick it out and see
what's gonna happen and this is this is a this is a testament to the heavens
because most of the time because of the certainty that we desire or the fear
that we have we'll just rather walk away from it at the beginning and not even
deal with it but I've watched you ladies power through stick it out there to be a
yes until it's a no and that is a really big feat I tell many people all the time
that dating is a skill it does not come natural it doesn't come natural because
the culture has has cultivated the way we do dating and so um and there are a
lot of missing pieces you don't learn boundaries when you're growing up most
of the time so all these different things most people show up with all
people show up with some wounds in their souls and so dating becomes a skill and
it becomes a skill you have to learn you didn't most people didn't have their mom
and dad sit them down at a certain age and say let me teach you about dating
right
So now you're at the right age that you're at and you're learning how to date.
And it's so easy in any area of your life
to go with how you feel instead of the order of a thing.
It is challenging to submit yourself under an order if you've never had to do it.
And when feelings get involved and feelings
feel good, it gets even more challenging.
So what happens at that point,
when you get to that juncture where the feelings feel so good,
you have to actually create laws on the inside of you.
This is what you will and what you will not do.
Because those laws or those boundaries or those guardrails are going to be
the things that keep you when you don't want to keep yourself.
You see, are you following me?
And so you say to yourself, I have to guard my heart with all diligence.
And so I want you to measure out enough
time that I better guard my heart really good for at least two months.
And you slip out the two months a little bit, but at least for two months,
because if you do it well for two months, you'll get to see more than you would
have thought if you didn't do it in a week or two weeks.
Two weeks is not enough.
It's just enough to get your heart broke and your feelings hurt.
And all y'all know it already.
You talk to somebody, you focus with the one you put a certain down.
But if you put the money down on it,
you say this is a guarantee and in two weeks it all fell apart.
I don't know how something can fall apart so quickly.
It must be an anointing on our program
to get you ladies out of this stuff quickly, because I have
started out the race and be like, OK, y'all say they check in the boxes.
They check in the boxes.
If they check a box, we put it down.
We write it in the book.
In the end of two weeks, you're like, what happened?
It's like you've been through a whirlwind.
We want to stop those whirlwinds, right?
And this is all tying into what we're talking about tonight.
And tonight we're going to talk about hope and discernment.
And they definitely are two different things.
Sometimes we mesh them together,
and so we want to go through and just separate them, hope from discernment.
Hope means in this situation, hope will be keeping your heart open.
And keeping your heart open and actually
going through the process can seem really challenging if you don't have discernment.
Hope keeps my heart open,
discernment keeps me guarded as I keep my heart open.
And so that means I also would like in discernment and to guardrails.
Order and structure, you do well to operate in wisdom so that you can stay hopeful,
because when you don't do that, your heart gets stepped on.
And that hurts.
And guess what?
The next person you talk to is going to be really hard to be hopeful.
And the next person you talk to is going to be even more hard to be hopeful.
Like it don't work like that.
You ain't about to just blossom like a flower and be hopeful all over again.
And so that's why you get tired with the dating.
It's like I came in hopeful.
I'm so excited, but forget it.
It's too much.
What you're saying is not that I'm lazy, not that I'm tired.
You're saying my heart is weary because my heart is open and I'm trying to say
I'm trying to stay hopeful and excited and thinking this thing is going to really work.
I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
But after so many no, no, no, especially when it looks good,
then no, when it looks good and it's a no or when a person says they are someone
that they're actually not right.
So discernment tells me a person gives me
an image of who they would like to be in the same way.
A lot of us give off images of who we would like to be.
And there are areas that we fall short in.
We have to know this to be true about ourselves.
If you will recognize that this is the truth about you,
that you don't always show up the way you would like to.
And a lot of things you say that you want to do,
they sometimes they are just wishful thinking.
You can expect the same thing out of the other person.
That's discernment.
That's knowing yourself well enough to know that you're dealing with people.
This is just a people thing.
Right, and then so under pressure, give it enough time, nothing,
whatever is true is going to stay, it's going to last, it's going to stay
and everything else is going to fall out and you're in it for the fallout.
You're in it for the long haul.
You're in it to see it through so that even when things fall out,
you didn't put certainty on it.
You remain curious and you can say, wow, I really wanted it to be different.
Wow, I was really rooting for you, man.
I was really hopeful for this.
But you will walk away with a sting,
but you won't walk away with your heart shattered in pieces.
And we're going for the sting.
All right, so hope keeps my heart open.
Discernment keeps my eyes open.
Uncertainty belongs to God.
Now, you guys don't have to repeat after me on this one.
Who does certainty belongs to?
Who?
I ain't hear y'all.
I don't see nobody mouth moving.
I need some confessions happening around here.
You ain't got to unmute.
Let unmute and say God.
Just unmute and I'm gonna say it again
because I need us all on one accord.
Certainty belongs to God.
God.
And I know we want certainty to belong to us.
I want certainty to belong to me.
But certainty belongs to God.
And truth is,
certainty shouldn't be put in our hands anyway.
If we were given certainty, we would run amok.
I'm telling you right now.
You could be dating somebody
that could possibly be your spouse,
but the Lord ain't gonna tell you
because he already know what you're gonna do.
The same thing you do when you date.
Ask too many questions.
You get ahead of the speed.
You won't take your time.
You won't pace.
Like I can't tell you nothing
because you ain't gonna do right.
Because soon as you get on the other side I do,
and he do something that your fantasized mind
didn't think about,
you're gonna blame God for it.
When you could have took the time to get to know the man
and accept him for who he is
and choose him where he's at
and say, you know what?
I see that flow in you,
but you're worth being chosen.
But if God said it's your husband,
right now you're gonna start planning your wedding.
You're gonna pick out your dress.
You're gonna start picking out your bridesmaids.
And if you ain't already got it wrote down,
you're gonna call your people.
It's over.
Ain't no more learning about nobody.
Everything gonna get done in your mind.
That's it.
The Lord said it.
We're perfect.
That's it.
Right?
So hear me.
Certainty doesn't do well in our hands.
I'll tell you,
if certainty was in my hand,
that's the end of the story.
Look.
Well,
if it was in my hands,
the one thing I would do is probably the same thing.
Would go straight to trauma counseling.
I believe that everybody needs trauma counseling.
If they gonna marry me,
they gonna have to get trauma counseling.
So the people that show up in your marriage
are not the adults you see.
They're the children that are broken.
Okay?
We all learn the way of love.
And if we don't get that straight,
then I'm gonna have to be the one you practice on
for the next 10 years.
Aye, aye, aye.
You know.
We gonna practice,
but we gonna practice with some help.
Because it's gonna have to be done.
Everybody learned a different way of love.
Everybody learned,
when you wake up,
somebody say good morning.
You don't say good morning.
All these things are the nuances of marriages
and they build you.
And it shows if you're willing
to stick with someone as they grow.
And that's why when you choose,
you choose someone that you respect
and that you believe they're worth it.
So that when the rubber hits the road
and it will hit it very quickly,
you won't say,
I ain't signed up for all this.
I ain't tell you when I got married
is the first thing I told my husband.
Wait a minute,
I ain't signed up for this.
And that was the truth.
I didn't have a clue what I was signing up for
because I lived in a fantasy.
So certainty belongs to God.
And who does curiosity belong to?
Just give me a little point
in a little backwards way.
Curiosity belongs to me.
All right.
That's my partnership with the Lord.
Curiosity and his certainty
and trusting that he always does what's best for me.
I cannot see this man
more than the time that he's in front of me.
I won't see what it's like in three years,
five years, or 10 years,
or 20 years.
I can only see today.
And I don't do well to make a judgment call
out of today,
out of his job,
out of his family,
out of his money,
out of his kindness.
There are things that happen in life
where people change and morph
and you never know what's coming
and the same goes for you.
It's just the way it is.
Okay?
So a lot of times what we do is
unknowingly we place hope and discernment
on opposite sides of the room.
So we believe that if we're hopeful,
we don't have to use discernment.
I'm gonna give you,
you're talking to somebody,
your heart is open and you're hopeful.
And they start doing some things
that are a little bit,
you know, like,
did he just say that?
Did I just hear that?
Did,
did he say he wanted us to do that?
Well, I'm gonna stay hopeful.
I'm just gonna leave it alone.
I'm not gonna worry about it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can stay hopeful
in operating discernment
and we don't want them on the other side of the room.
We want them to marry each other
because hope,
being hopeful in discernment,
being married together
gives you the greatest outcome for you.
Hope and discernment, right?
I get in my car,
hope is not an accident on the road,
but discernment tells me to put my GPS on
cause I live in Texas
and there's almost always an accident on I-35.
And so I wanna put on my GPS
so I can spot out where the traffic is,
where the accidents are
so I can know which way to go.
And that's how I want you guys to do
even in dating, okay?
And so when I'm hopeful,
sometimes you may be overlooking some things.
And sometimes if we lean more to,
now let me say.
Sorry, they jumbled it up. If you lean more towards discernment and don't have any hope everything is a red flag
Like
So I've read I've read some of the darndest things I heard something just like yeah
He said they don't go to the dentist that much. Is that a red flag?
That's like you go too deep into trying to discern something that is nothing there and I picked a silly one
So it wouldn't if it was something you actually did you wouldn't feel some kind of way about it, you know
But you start going too too deep into things that are necessary
Or what you do is you call it discernment you learn something about a person in the first week
And then you start mapping out the future. So you need him to fix this right now
Why you gotta fix it right now, he don't even know you
You know why you want him to fix it right now. You want me to tell you why you want him to do it?
Because you you're thinking about marriage
And when you do that, I want you to catch yourself
When you see something in a person and you've only been doing it for two days or three days
You've asked four million questions. You're too emotionally involved
You don't have the infrastructure to sustain it and you begin to say well, they need to fix that
You need to do this and you need to do that. That's what stopped me from doing it
Y'all jacket always coached us not to do that, but I still did it. I'm like look
I need to know I need to know what i'm doing. I need to get myself into I need to know for me
And I tell men now
They be saying ask me anything. I'm saying you don't want you don't want me to know anything. I will judge you
I don't want to know. I don't want to know about your past relationship
I don't want to know anything, but how we finna have fun on this date
That's all if any wants to know because I will I know me
I will jump ahead and you gotta learn yourself and learn yourself enough to know you
And what you will do because in doing that you could sabotage a wonderful thing
Based on if they told you yeah when I was married, I I have committed infidelity
And and you'll be like, okay, so your mind is saying maybe it's just one time. It's okay, you know people make this day
but if they say
They did it for two years
They kept oh
Who already know y'all finna be out the door who gonna be out the door y'all gonna be I ain't know
Kevin, well 20 years ago you date cheat on your wife for two years. It's over
I won't be your next victim
so
And that's the thing the man could have been gave it like I don't know, you know
All sorts of things could have been happening. He didn't get all you know is that you don't know
Nothing makes it right
But you don't know what happened why it happened who he was when it happened how he's reformed what he's done
How he's changed you don't know anything and i'm not saying stick around
I'm, just telling you that kind of information is too weighty for you in first getting to know a person
Because you're not going to get to know
You're going to make a decision about him
That's called a judgment. That's what I mean
So when I said I just y'all was gonna be like what?
I will judge a man because everything in me if that touches on my past hurt and pain it's gonna start
My my I feel my nervous system rising up. It's like oh
Wait a minute
and then I start thinking stuff like
You better walk away because if he do it to you
It ain't gonna be like he didn't tell you he did it before right?
And so I had to learn to stop and I tell people all the time I don't want to know
I don't want to know nothing. I just want to get to know you as a person if we make it that far
We'll talk about those things later on. I'm not afraid that i'm about to fall in love with you
I don't i'm not gonna fall in love with you. I choose love
Okay, we're not falling in love ladies we're gonna choose love
you're gonna
Take your skills what you know and i'm gonna get back to the thing
You're gonna take your skills and what you know, and you're gonna learn how to choose people to love
Because choosing love is the same thing you desire you desire that a man looks at you and choose you
The one thing that irritated me was that when men would pick me as a role
I prayed for wife and now wife would come along and that bothers me
Because you for me that means you're choosing me as a role
I need you to get to know me so that when me shows up you won't be saying what is this about?
Because I make it my business to show myself when i'm dating someone
ups down high lows
I don't care what it is
I am intentional on doing that because I want them to be comfortable being themselves. And so what i'm saying is
I have learned to choose love and when you choose love
Choosing love doesn't happen because it's all flowers and butterflies
It means i've taken enough time to get to know you and the good outweigh the bad
Okay.
Even in areas where you've fallen short,
I understand that you're teachable.
I understand that you carry wisdom.
I understand that you're integrious.
I understand these things about you now.
And so those flaws or those things,
they're just you being, that's human.
And you can grow like I can grow, okay?
All right, so we know that hope and discernment
based on what I just said are never,
they were never assigned to compete with each other.
You don't have to have one and not the other.
You wanna have both.
You want them to marry each other
and you want them to be like a shield in your hand, right?
That discernment is kind of like the shield
that guards your heart as you keep your heart open.
But if you remove that shield,
your heart is not gonna be able to stay open.
If you have it open, it's gonna catch a lot of arrows
because I'm telling you, if you don't know this,
your first day in phase two, dating is a skill.
And there are gonna be dates that you go on,
even in the beginning, and I'm gonna say this,
I caution against every time you talk to a person,
you hear that thought in your mind, say, is he the one?
Is he the one?
That thought sets you up for a little bit of a heartbreak.
Why?
Because you've already engaged in this wishful thinking,
like, is it it?
This is it?
And so when you're talking to him,
you're evaluating him as if this is it.
You're putting expectations on him as if he was the one
because you've already started out that way.
And so we don't lead with the expectation
of if this person is the one.
Because when your heart is open,
there's a dangerous way to lead.
It always comes back on you.
And so if you don't lead that way,
when you hear your mind say that,
I want you to say, even if he's the one,
I'm gonna take my time and get to know him.
Because if you've been believing God for a very long time,
this is already, this a pathway in your brain.
Do you see?
It's a pathway.
So don't beat yourself up because you can't get rid of it.
What you do is because it's a pathway in your brain
and you know that your mind renews,
you renew your mind daily
so that you can create new pathways in your brain.
What you're gonna do is when you say it,
when you hear your brain say it,
because your brain is used to saying it,
you're gonna say, yeah, even if he is my husband,
I'm gonna take my time and get to know him.
Even if he checks all my boxes,
I'm gonna take my time and be a fruit inspector.
Even if we could have cute babies together,
we're not gonna talk about it
after we go exclusive in 90 days.
Even if he can move and I can move,
I'm still gonna pace myself
because I have the responsibility
of guarding my heart without diligence.
And if this falls apart,
the collateral damage is gonna fall on me.
And I'm not in that business.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
You're gonna be the collateral damage
and that's not what you want.
All right, so we wanna keep discernment like a shield
so it can guard our heart as we keep it open.
And we know that hope is not wishful thinking.
That's right, even if.
Hope is not wishful thinking.
The one of the things that I say this as often as I need to,
because I have to remind myself of this
and you need to be reminded of it.
When you partner with God on something,
you're actually on a faith journey.
So he's gonna take an opportunity to restore
and build all the things in you that are necessary
to get you to the promise.
The children of Israel didn't just wander in the wilderness
for all those years just because,
first of all, they came out of slavery.
Let me tell you about that.
They had been in slavery for 400 years.
That means even if they,
hundreds of years before they were warriors,
they were no more warriors.
They didn't know how to war anymore.
They were 400 years in slavery.
They had lost the skill of warring.
When they went into the promised land,
they had to take out the giants
that were living in their land.
Even when they were in the wilderness,
they had to take down some people to take that territory.
So that means in the wilderness,
they had to be trained on how to be soldiers.
They were used to working hard,
getting their food given to them.
Now they're out in the wilderness.
The Lord was performing miracles.
They weren't used to no miracle.
They weren't used to no food coming out the sky.
They weren't used to this kind of stuff.
They weren't used to being given their food.
That's what you're in right now.
You're on a journey.
You weren't used to someone sitting,
teaching you and giving you a video
and telling you how you do this
and giving you a new skill set
and telling you how to override your own thoughts
that you've had for 20 years.
You're not used to practicing a skill
when you sit down and talk with a man
and everything in your body saying,
let's go for it, he the one.
Oh, just rub my hand.
I want to hold hands.
You want to play out every movie that you seen.
You're not wrong for that.
There's nothing wrong for you wanting romance.
There's nothing wrong with you wanting
some skin to skin touch.
That is human.
Just like it's natural.
But when a man see a woman and he's dating her,
he wants to kiss you.
So when he asks you to kiss him, I
want you to know it's natural to him.
Man says, pretty woman, I want to kiss her.
That's just how it works.
That's what a man says.
Pretty woman, pretty woman, pretty woman,
I want to kiss her.
And so then when he tries to kiss you,
you have to already be prepared to say, hey, I don't do that.
And don't say, can't you believe?
I can't believe.
Even boys who are high school boys,
when they date a girl, they can't
wait till they kiss them.
It's something about a man or boy kissing.
And they haven't learned that, listen,
you don't kiss people you don't know.
But I'm here to tell you, you don't kiss me.
Right?
And so all I'm saying is so they want a journey
to go to their promise.
And what the Lord has to do as we're headed to the promise,
he equips us along the way.
It doesn't mean that we're not going to get to the promise.
It just means you can't get there like that.
Because if you get to your promise land
and you're not equipped or prepared,
you don't do your hard work, you don't put yourself
under boundaries, you don't submit to order,
when you get into your promise land,
the giants that wait for you in marriage
are going to kick your butt and you're going to be divorced.
Ask somebody who knows.
I know.
Most of the time, when you're divorced,
you're not equipped to handle what's in front of you.
You didn't even know that was coming for you.
And so I want to hang out right here for a minute
because that's a really good word.
And I believe this is a Holy Spirit-inspired word for you.
That we're headed to the promise.
And as you're being equipped, don't
think that something God is holding something back from you.
He has to prepare you for the promise.
Or trust me, the giants in the land
will take you out because they're there.
Why?
Because it's a promise from the Lord.
Marriage is a covenant thing.
It's something that was given to us by God.
The enemy opposes it.
And they're not even just the natural part of two people
getting along forever.
They ain't even getting along forever,
but trying to live together.
Sometimes you don't even want to be around yourself.
See?
Yeah, see?
So that's the thing.
So hold on to that.
I want you guys to see this as equipping and not a slowdown
or what's taking so long.
I often tell the Lord, I say, well, what else you want to do?
Clearly, there's something you're working on
that I don't know about.
Because I have deemed you too good
to withhold goodness from me.
So what is it?
And it don't feel good.
And I don't want to say that to him.
I want it out like an Amazon package.
But there's something that he wants me to learn.
And there's some way that he wants me to grow.
And I'd rather put my hope in that
than to believe that I've been forsaken by my God.
Because that doesn't feel good.
See?
All right.
Discernment, we're keeping our eyes open.
That's not suspicion.
It's not fear.
It's just open eyes.
You would have to do less offensive work
if you would just submit yourself
to boundaries and order.
I say it like a song because I live it like a song.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I was one that when I started this program,
that I started this program pretty much the same way
the world does dating.
I had wounded.
I was wounded.
I was broken from childhood and certain instances
of molestation that led me to believe
that you please men through sex or through sexual acts.
And so I was a very heavy kisser.
I was a very heavy petter.
I wanted to do it all.
I wanted to run around the pond without falling in.
That was me.
I loved the thrill of it.
So the idea that somebody tells me,
oh, well, you shouldn't go to your place with somebody,
baby, I couldn't wait to get to my place with somebody
and watch a movie and cuddle up.
And it took a lot of hurt and falling apart
and me trading out my dignity for that
because it seemed like I wanted it so bad,
but I didn't know it was rooted in my brokenness.
It was rooted in the way that I learned things
from my childhood, from the things that happened to me.
And so boundaries and order saved my life.
It gave me my dignity back.
It guarded me from things that could come in and wound me
when I've healed.
And it's not worth it to me.
And so I'm like, this way works.
I even told the Lord, hey, listen, somehow along the way
I learned this, I covenant my body to you.
That's the only way I know how to do it.
I said, I'm not kissing till I get married
to guard and protect me.
That's not a rule in this program,
but I had to do things to guard me, to protect me,
to get me to the promise.
And so, um, that's why I say that. So, um, let's, um, what, where are we at? 7.35.
So this week, um, if maybe you'll have a date or maybe doing a conversation, or maybe it's
going to be with you getting to know someone, or maybe it's going to be to complete a different
area of your life, you're welcome, Sarah, maybe it'll be a different area of your life. We want
you to practice having both hope and discernment. Um, let me give an example for a job. So I was
teaching third grade. They moved me to another school. They were supposed to put me back in
third grade. We know how to plaster dating and conversations, I guess, but I want to give you
example of what it would look like in another area. So when I was teaching third grade,
if my administrators, everybody would come to me, you would be really good teaching second grade.
You'll be really good teaching second grade. And they said it so much till it was just like,
you gotta be kidding me. How would these many different people, ain't the same people,
different people, assistant principal, principal, the district people, the instructional coach.
And some say, if somebody is saying this to you this much, you need to turn aside.
And I turned aside and I said, Lord, would you like me to teach second grade? So I started to
do some research on second grade. So I said, okay, I'll do second grade. They moved me to
a new school. They get to this new school. They didn't even put me in third grade. They were
supposed to, they put me in first grade. And I said, what am I going to do with some first graders?
And I'm like, how old are they? I started trying to find children in my family, their age, to see
how I interact with them. Because I'm like, if I say sit down, I need you to sit down.
So what is this business? Do you know how to sit down and be quiet? That's the only thing I need
you to do so I can teach. And so I said, Lord, okay, first grade, first grade. I said, if it's
your will, if it could be, if it could be, let a second grade teacher, let a second grade position
come available. Now it's likely to happen because teachers can change jobs the two weeks before
school start or something like that. But also it's not very likely because second grade is a very
sought out or sought after grade level. Teachers really like second grade and they generally don't
give it up. So let me speed up. So then what happens? A second grade position comes in. I
look at my email and they're like, we have a second grade position for this campus that I'm at.
And I was like, you gotta be kidding me. Somebody walked away from their second grade position.
I said, Lord, I called my prayer team, baby. We got on. I said, I want it. I want it. And then I said,
wait a minute. So I'm hopeful to get it. But hear this. I said, Lord,
I am your instrument. Spend me as you choose. I come from the kingdom of heaven.
And if first grade is where you need me, first grade is where I be. Because the truth is I can
get in second grade and think it's the best thing that ever happened to me before I get there and
have parents that give me a hard time. I can have students that are hard headed. You don't want to
do what you tell them to do. I can have students that are trouble problems. I'm going to be with
them nine whole months. And so I started thinking about all the other things that could be. And
that's when I said, you know what? Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. Let it be. Whatever your
will is, let it be in my life because you're going to do what's best for me. I did my due diligence.
I reached out to some people that I knew that could talk to some people to get me in this
second grade position. Like if you can talk to somebody to talk to people, to talk to people,
tell them I won't. Oh, I got an email today. I got the second grade position.
But, and I thought of how, I know, I know. Think that the Lord started me on that second grade
position. He wanted me to have that second grade position. Like five months ago when people were
coming to me and I was denying, I'm like, uh-uh, I don't want no second grades. I like my third
grade. Uh-uh, I don't want no second grade. And now he's got me to the place where I had to pray
and ask him for it. He brought me to the place, but the hope was I was hopeful for it. But then
at some point I used a sermon and said, I'm your instrument because there may be a child in first
grade that needs me. And I know what I carry. He pulled me into the school system because of what
he put on the inside of me. Not because I wanted to be a teacher. I did not want to be a teacher.
Actually, when he asked me to be a teacher, I told him, I said, I'll go to, I'll go to the school,
but I won't go in the classroom. He said, that's exactly where you're going. And I said, okay.
And so that's how I got into the classroom is because the Lord told me, he said, there's a
wide open door and my children need you. And so he has placed something in me, my kingdom DNA
that restores children. Um, and it restores them and they, they helped me grow. They really helped
me grow my Lord anyway. So hope and discernment in a job situation.
And so you'll have hope and discernment
when you're talking to somebody.
If they say something that's off,
you'll have no reason to be open and vulnerable with kindness,
not angry, and just share what your thoughts are about it
and deal with it.
And so we want you to practice it,
and we want you to post under the post some examples
so that other ladies can read it and see
how to work this hope and discernment thing,
because hope and discernment is a challenging area for you all.
It's a challenging area for people on this journey,
because hope means your heart stays open,
even after it has been slapped around.
And discernment is your shield that guards your heart.
You can't have one without the other.
It just don't work that way, OK?
So we want you to marry the two.
All right, well, if you don't have it,
you can have questions about that.
I want Mika to go ahead and unmute your mic.
And then anybody else, she has to go to a group, a ladies
Bible study.
And so I want her to go first.
And then just raise your hands.
OK.
Thanks for giving me dibs.
And I just want to share the latest with Desiree.
Actually, I don't have to go tonight, but it's canceled.
So but I'm still remembering that.
But it's OK.
But my hand was, I guess, virtually up in my mind,
because I figured you were going to call on me anyway.
So if everyone's still OK with me going,
because I'm going to hang out the entire session,
because this is always so good.
Yeah, I hope they are.
Are y'all OK?
I'm sorry.
She told me earlier she had to go.
I forgot to correct that.
I just want to be integrity.
They said OK.
Desiree said OK to everybody.
Oh, yeah, she did, yeah.
All about honor.
I'm all about the honor.
OK, so the date went well.
I will say he's shorter than me.
That was that I'd grown since heart one.
How tall are you?
What'd you say?
How tall are you?
I'm 5'4".
He's 5'3".
Oh!
So he's like, yeah.
And I was wearing kitty heels.
Wait, stop.
Stop.
Yes, ma'am.
You were in heels.
Let us take it in.
Take it in.
Let us take it in for you.
Let us absorb that weight with you.
You were 5'4", he was 5'3", and you had heels on.
My god.
Go ahead.
But I had, they were kitty heels.
I took a risk.
They were kitty heels.
Yes, yes, ma'am.
And he has a big belly.
Come on, man.
Is he Hispanic?
You know I like Hispanic pot-bellied men.
Go ahead.
Sorry.
No, it's OK.
He's Caucasian.
He's a school teacher.
He teaches music.
Like I say, he's short.
He doesn't have, his teeth are yellow.
But I think unintentionally, I was,
my eyes would go in there a lot.
So yesterday when we were talking on the phone,
he was like, he went to the dentist.
I didn't say it.
I didn't tell him that, though.
I didn't bring it up.
He said that.
So I didn't say it.
But I didn't say it.
That's why I've grown.
I've grown.
I just shared all that to say is I've grown.
I would have cut that off immediately.
But the update with that is we were talking.
And during the date, he picked a really nice place.
And it, you know, and I was like, oh, it can,
I was like, are you sure it's going to be a restaurant?
He's like, because at first I was like, oh, maybe
we can do coffee or whatever.
He's like, no, no, absolutely not.
I really appreciate like the effort
that he puts in and his willingness to pursue.
I haven't felt that in a long, long time.
And I was just like, well, maybe, you know,
I feel like I still have to kind of pull teeth when
we're talking on the phone.
Like if I don't lead it or if I don't come up with questions,
his questions can be very superficial.
He's not, he's not lit up by like ministry discussions
and stuff like that.
And I've come to terms, I've reviewed what you said.
It's not about that because someone can do that
and they can be all bells and whistles with all that stuff
and still be awful and still cheat on you if you marry them.
And I actually, someone that I've been noticing,
I'm like, he's fiery.
And I've noticed him kind of looking at me while,
you know, while attending the new church.
But I feel like what he's giving off in character
is giving off arrogance in terms of prophetic
and, you know, how he's able to call out things.
And his gift is kind of like bells and whistles.
I don't know him, but it seems like he may be
kind of starting to look at me.
And I was like, I don't know if I like that arrogant,
I'm the prophet in the room, even though,
and he definitely believes in deliverance, but he's fiery.
But like you were saying, I really appreciate you
bringing it home about the integrity
and getting to know the person.
And are they teachable?
That's the thing.
So, so yeah, there's stuff like,
because recently I've been just studying foundational,
just foundational stuff,
like in terms of people taking care of their family.
I don't know how everyone feels about that on this call,
but like, you know, like generational,
if anyone believes in like generational curses.
or patterns, or I know some people don't really believe that to the extent of that,
but I think that's what part of heart work is, and he is in therapy.
But we have, uh, that's a good question. I have to add, his, his dad was an alcoholic,
so I haven't asked the question. I, that was some of the question I was going to ask tonight too,
like should I, because he said it more than once that he's in therapy with a woman therapist.
He was in therapy with a male therapist, but he switched to a woman therapist because the
male therapist was a little bit abrasive. But I didn't say why or what, he just
side noted, interjected that he, his dad was an alcoholic and it wasn't really a healthy
situation, but we can talk about that another time down the road. And so I'm like, okay.
Um, and he also mentioned that his PSA levels have been, um, elevated at one point, like for
prostate cancer. Um, and so there's a, I don't want to think it, but I'm going to say it here
because it's a safe space because it's like in the back of my mind, like, and he's retiring next
year. So he's like, I'm retiring next year so I can move anywhere. And, and I was just thinking,
I'm like, I don't want to be his health insurance. I hate to say it. I don't want to be like the
health insurance ticket or, you know, I don't want to feel like that. I didn't feel like that
on the date. I felt taken care of, but I think, um, because there's a slight age gap, he's 55,
you know, so technically he's retiring younger. And I haven't asked the question,
why are you retiring now? Versus like when you were in your sixties, I'm 43, 43.
Right. He's a teacher, school teachers retire. That's around retirement age.
That is. Okay. That's good to know.
They get their 25 years in pretty early. So, you know, most people start off teaching in their
twenties. So 55 is a very, my aunt is like 51 and she's retired from teaching. Yeah. Teachers,
teachers is different. They retire much earlier and their number to hit is not as much as other
professions. Okay. That's good to know. So I'm not going to be,
there's a hundred thousand things going through my head. So that's,
I can take that off the list of different things, but I didn't say it.
Let me give you a little more, let me give you a little more wisdom on that as well.
Um, just, just to process this, this way, when a person is able to retire there early,
that means they can start working and building other things as well. So if he ever had a dream
of a business, most people, 73% of people start their businesses when they're 50 and over.
And that's probably because they start retiring early and they're able to do things that they
love to do and want to do. And so I just want you to know that if you're going to ever date
people that are older than you, when you retire, it frees you up to be creative and purposeful.
You're not tied to a job that pays you a check. So, well, thank you for saying that. Cause then
he did touch on that. He said, that's something actually that he regretted
not starting his own business and he'd love to work with someone.
And eventually, so you nailed it. Yes, of course you nailed it. That's why you're here.
No, yes, ma'am. So I guess the question is, the question is what is my question?
Um, the date, I guess the date went well. Um, he'll, he sends me a good morning text every
morning. Um, he just reminds me of kind of like, I'm going to say it like the safety guy. I don't
see him ever cheating on me. He seems like he's very faithful. He seems like he's teachable to
an extent, but I know like the prophetic stuff is going to weird him out. I know like giving in a
certain way is going to freak him out. I'm not sure if he's like, I don't think he's a regular
tither. I think he's kind of come up with his own rule around that. Um, and I, those sort of things
that concern me, like in terms of like deliverance, he was like, I have been in an all night prayer,
but I fell asleep, but he's like, but I go, I'd be there. I think I could see him as doing a lot
of things just to make me happy. My concern is that he would, he would just do whatever,
do a lot of things to make me happy, but not really agree. That's my concern. So my concern
is how do I, what are some other strategies I can really get to know him? And I kept saying that
based on your advice, I kept saying that even throughout the date and when we were talking on
the phone the day before yesterday, like I'm looking forward to getting to know you and being
around you in person. Um, especially while I'm still kind of here locally before I start classes
in the fall. He's like, well, we'll figure that out. He's, I know this man is going to drive
and I'm going to feel even, I'm going to feel even more. And he knows I'm not open to moving.
I'm not open to moving where he is. So that's another piece. Like he would have to move. That's,
I'm not leaving my church, my new church home. Um, yeah, no way. So y'all only been talking how
long? Um, it's been, he's, it's been since March. March.
i'm sorry not march june july july because we were on through with the app so technically he was he's
trying to count that to july us chatting on the app for a little bit like and i i actually stopped
um because i paused for a minute just because of the the t thing i'm like oh is his team yellow
and then i got distracted with somebody else that i was chatting with but then i doubled back um
and just because someone's saying you know sometimes you you can't you know you got to
be careful because you could miss up opportunities for like some really beautiful people based on
superficial things that they and even what you guys were saying here that that can be changed
you know and so i doubled back and then i've come to find out we had so much in common it
was almost scary like in terms of like um like where where he grew up where he went to school
like there's a lot of like overlap like even our birth month is in the same month
so it's yeah so what i want to say is about this it's good that y'all have you know um
have a lot of things in common um some things aren't necessary to think about right now
like who's going to live where he's already said he's open to moving or anywhere so it doesn't
matter about that about what church you're going to be out this be it that's not that's not up for
discussion because you don't know what god has in store for you and this is not for me to say
you could move where he's at that's not what i'm saying to you mika but the truth is you really
don't know all you know is where you are right now and so when you live in a place that you
have no grace for you can't make wise decisions you see so if you were to get to 90 days of
exclusivity or you get to 60 days at the least two months um he says let's go exclusive and you
make a decision that's when you say things because you know you're dating for marriage
so i come off the market for you that means my mind is going toward us moving toward
marriage so now we discuss heavy hitter things if you go exclusive with somebody in two weeks
you do not discuss heavy hitter things you don't even have the infrastructure to house that
so if you decide to go exclusive with somebody after two days and then you want to talk about
where y'all gonna live you could do it because it feels fun but you're not gonna make it very far
you don't have the infrastructure to house that type of conversation you don't have the equity
you have to build infrastructure even to house friendships and the things that you share with
your friends y'all y'all following me and so when you talk about things out of time and out of season
it usually crumbles because you have not built enough infrastructure to hold it together
you just have knowledge and information but it's you can do nothing with it
right so even you believe you may say he seems like he would never cheat i don't believe in
never i believe people they don't subject themselves if you don't subject yourself to
the spirit you can get lonely even you or me and we put ourselves in situations we'll find
ourselves doing things we never thought we would do so i don't make never statements about people
because in i do it there's a certainty that comes down on the inside of me that causes me not to see
well as soon as that language comes out of your mouth and you hear it as a woman and you're
looking for certainty because in a woman she wants security and she wants stability
and so when we use language when we meet me and we say it seems like he would never cheat on me
when you say that something in you programs this is a safe place
and then when it happens you are completely you know do you marry somebody you think they would
cheat no but never limit i watch my own self so i won't cheat i like i mean like i have to guard my
own self against the wiles and the tricks of the enemy and so um what i said about we have to build
infrastructure even with friends right and so there are friends that you have in your life that
you can tell more things to than you can the other friend you have a deeper level of trust with them
you built something with them that could hold up to whatever pressure whatever you're about to share
with them whatever shame it could be whatever sadness it could be you can share it with them
we call it different friendships but the relationship structure is what allows you to be
that person with him and so when you're dating a person and you go too far ahead you don't pace you
don't give it time you don't have the infrastructure to hold up to some of this stuff and that's what
hurts you the most because you have the information and you processed it and you put a certainty mark
on it what you didn't know is you didn't have the infrastructure to hold it up and it feels like
it's crumbling in front of you and then when you go back and look he was like but it's only been
three weeks why am i acting like this
Anybody have experienced that? I mean, when I look at it, it was just two weeks. Why am I,
why am I tripping? Why am I hurt? You went too, you went too fast. You went too fast. And it's
not just the speed. You didn't have the infrastructure. And that's why we say be
fruit inspectors. When you inspect a person fruit, you get to choose to trust them. You get to choose
something because they proven something to you. They shown something to you. And that just like
let's put a beam in the, go ahead Mika. What are some types of dates that maybe I can suggest
that could help us be able to see, get to know each other better besides sitting at a dinner
and talking? Okay. Yeah. I'm going to address that. I just kind of talked on that for a minute,
but I'm going to pick up with you and finish out your question for sure. And so keep that in mind,
that's one of the things you want to guard yourself against. And so the thing about you
and this man, what you're going to have to do is because you have to do more of, he's not a
conversationalist sounds like, and that's okay. Some people just aren't conversationalist. Mika,
you got words for days. That's just who you are. But you're going to have to become comfortable
with him saying nothing and you sitting there. You're going to have to become comfortable with
quietness because you're going to get tired of carrying it. So what you're going to say to him
is I carry this a lot. I know that you don't have a lot of words, but I'm going to become
comfortable in being quiet with you. So don't be alarmed and sit there and be quiet and eat
or whatever you're doing. And you announce it so he can know that this is what you're doing.
You don't have to keep it to yourself. It is okay to use your words and be vulnerable in that way.
It's easy for me to lead. It's easy for me to carry this conversation, but I understand that
I will get worn out carrying this conversation. You said the worn out part. I will get, I will
say all of it because you're, you're being a person. This is, you're just saying it. You're
not having an attitude. You're just being real. Like if, if this is somebody you want to consider
based on the things you said, what'd you think you're going to do when you marry him? He not
going to change. No, that's true. Okay. And so, and I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage,
but I'm just telling you because you've, you've, you've kind of processed through some things.
You guys, you have to let a person be who they are. Don't try to feel the space that they supposed to
hold on their own. Stay in your lane and let them show up and decide if there's something you can
live with because you're going to keep trying to change them and it's not going to work.
Some of you ladies aren't conversationalist. You're more quiet. You're more chill. You're
more laid back and you're pretty cool with everybody doing all the talking. You ain't
got no problem with it. It doesn't mean you're not interested. It doesn't mean you don't care.
It's just that you ain't got that many words to say, but if they talk, I'll go with it.
And so you have to be pulled out of that comfort zone to show up well. You can't stay there. And
if you want him to come out of that and show up, then you're going to have to give space for him
to be it so you can make a decision about it. That's good. Thank you. Because you're going to
keep demanding it. That's not going to change. And so some of the things that you need to do is,
so you want to pace with him because I've talked about a lot of things. That's going to be your
strategy because whatever you know or you don't know, you give it 90 days, you're going to feel
different. You're going to see it different. I'm telling you, Jackie said a minimum 60 days,
but 90 days got something special on it. And I know we're an acceleration program and some of
you guys are going to meet somebody and you're probably going to be married before 90 days.
I totally understand. But if you got time to grow and learn, and then 90 days is a sweet spot for
you because there's no reason to go exclusive before then. Even if they ask me like, okay,
let's just hang out to this date. Let's see what happens and just grow and take your time. And if
he doesn't have a lot to talk about, stop talking to him on the phone all the time.
And you know what that's going to do for you? It's going to slow down the pacing. Y'all going
to stop talking about stuff you ain't got no business talking about. He had no business
telling you about no prostate cancer. But Mika, you know, I know. I have worked with you long
enough. I'm like, Mika, how you know that in one week? How do you know this stuff? You know too
much. You did too much. You got to stop digging. You think it's going to bring you safety, but
it puts you in this space with these questions and what am I doing? How can I adjust this?
You shouldn't be placing yourself in the future with a person that you don't even know their
character. That's good. You haven't watched them respond to anything. That's not where you want to
be sitting in their future.
Because when you break up with him,
you're going to have to grieve.
You want to hate.
You're going to have to grieve it.
And that's some of the things that we don't know
that has to happen.
But we grieve what could have been.
And when you create a what could have been,
you're going to already do it anyway.
But you can stop yourself.
But when you really jump into it and you don't mind,
then you also have to grieve what could have been.
And that comes with a bit of sorrow itself.
But so what you're going to do is,
if he can't hold a conversation, just tell him,
I am a talker.
You can say it.
And we talk every day
and I'm uncomfortable with us not saying anything.
So what I've decided to do,
you know, we can check in and say,
hey, how's your day going?
And then we'll chunk deuces.
I'm not pulling away.
It's just that I'm not going to carry this conversation.
Oh, okay.
I can do it.
If he wants to talk to you,
he needs to go to chat GPT and ask chat GPT
to give him some questions to talk to you about.
They'll help him out.
Mm-hmm.
So let's see.
Does he figure out a way to connect with you
or does he just sit back and be passive?
You want to know that.
Oh, I didn't even make that connection with passivity
and him not being engaged in your conversation.
Wow, that's exactly what it is.
Oh, that's good.
And then so, but you don't stop showing up as you.
So if you want to talk, you show up and talk.
You do, you still show up as you.
It's just that you're not going to carry his load.
I love that.
That's good.
That's helpful.
And so give yourself some boundaries.
If you find that you're talking
15 minutes of the conversation,
set your timer, watch yourself.
And then at that point you stop, you cut it out.
Say, okay, well, I've talked enough.
Have anything you want to share, talk about?
Cause I'm working on not carrying this conversation.
Say it out loud.
See, vulnerability lets people see who you are and know you
because you can say it happy now,
but when it starts to frustrate you,
you're going to come out with demands,
expectations, and you're going to be harsh.
And you're going to say, so I'm tired of this.
Ever since we've been talking,
I had to do this and I had to do that.
That's not true.
You chose to do that.
You didn't have to do anything.
And so then you start blaming the person
for the load that you carry
when it never had to be that way.
And if this is who he is, this is who he is.
And it's better that you know.
So let's pace, let's get us some days under our belt.
And some days that you can do is active activity dates.
So bowling, you can do things
where you don't have to tell them,
you don't want to do dinner.
You don't want to sit and talk.
You want to get active.
You want to learn, go do an escape room.
Go do things that lets you see if somebody's competitive.
Go on a hike.
If you like to hike, not a hike of the hard hike,
but like a hike kind of walk hike, you know.
Something like, what state are you in?
I'm in New Jersey.
I'm sitting there right now.
Okay.
Yeah, go walking.
Stop eating, go walking.
Get out, do stuff.
See what a stand-a-man is like.
And see the legs.
I'll probably have to walk slow.
Don't ask a bad shit.
No, you're gonna have to make him hard to keep up.
He got to come on.
Tell it to him.
Tell it to him, he gonna have to keep up.
Yeah.
That's right.
Yeah, he can keep up.
He a man, baby.
You let him work that out, Mika.
You cannot go into situations with men.
You'll be amazed.
Men get the job done.
You're underestimating the man.
Don't you worry.
He gonna figure out how to do his part.
And that's what you want.
You want to see the man show up.
Men are solutionists.
They solve problems.
They're good at it.
Okay.
Sounds good?
That was super helpful.
Thank you.
Good, good.
Hey, Rachel.
Hey, Benny.
I have a question.
How do you,
like how do you start a conversation?
How do you start a conversation with somebody?
They just send you a emoji.
Where do you take that?
Nowhere.
You leave it sitting right there
till they find some words to use.
What?
You leave it there until they find words to use.
Just use hi.
It's just a hi emoji.
And I will send a hi emoji back.
Okay.
I'll give you the effort that you put in.
If I give you that,
or you can be like,
they send you hi,
you can say, what's up?
Question mark.
So it's kind of like, what do you want?
But like, but I would.
Generally, what you do is I just, if they do high, do high.
Don't give a lot of energy to that.
It's important to me that people learn
how to rise to the occasion.
And if he says a wave, if that's all the effort,
maybe he just wanted to say high,
so you just say high back.
That's it.
But don't put on high, how are you doing today?
Da-da-da, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
Just get a little wave back.
Or you know what?
Put a thumbs up on the high.
It's even better, I'll show you.
Put a heart on the high emoji.
Yeah, do it.
You can give a high emoji back,
or you can heart his high hand.
Or give it a thumbs up.
Don't even do it a heart,
it's gonna be like you like it.
Just give it a thumbs up.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, people have to give more effort than that.
You're welcome.
No, don't you let, don't you do it.
Don't you do it.
You hear me, Rachel?
Oh no, I'm gonna, no, that's why I'm asking.
Yeah.
No, that's why I'm asking you,
because I'm like, I don't know.
I know.
If you're seeing something,
like put your best foot forward.
I mean, it's, I don't know.
See what I'm saying?
I guess there's a cultural difference.
Like, I don't know.
Just like.
Ain't got nothing to do with culture.
That's minimum effort.
That's what that is.
That's not culture, that's minimum effort.
Okay.
Hey, I don't know why when I look at your name,
I say it wrong.
It's the letters at which, but that is not it.
Give me a nickname.
It's okay.
No, you say it pretty much the way everybody else does it.
I know, but I don't want to.
We too close for that.
We got relationship now.
You can, a lot of people call me E or Eddie.
E, E.
Okay, E.
How's it go?
Tell us about the date.
The date was really nice.
I, you know, I didn't want to go.
I just wasn't feeling up to it that day.
And,
and I didn't think he was all that attractive, I guess.
He was all right.
But,
but yeah, but when I met him in person,
he ended up being really handsome.
I was like, oh my gosh.
I was pleasantly surprised.
Wow.
How did that change?
I don't know.
I think maybe it's just the pictures that he has on now.
I was just like,
oh, those pictures ain't doing you justice, brother.
I know.
Yeah.
So like,
like, it's funny when you were talking about
not being much of a talker.
Like, I would say for me,
I'm not, I don't know.
I'm in between.
So like, I can talk, you know,
but I'm not going to really start a conversation, I guess.
But we had a really good conversation.
We talked about a lot of things.
You know, we were there for like,
close to four hours just eating and talking.
I know, it was nice.
I was like, wow.
Yeah.
So we talked a little bit about like, you know, family,
and he's adopted.
He was adopted when he was three months old.
He has a Jewish mom.
So he was adopted by,
Wow.
A Jewish woman, yeah.
That's his mom.
You know, he's had her,
he's been with her since he was three months old,
but he's El Salvadorian.
Okay.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, we talked about that.
He has a 10 year old daughter.
He's divorced.
I don't know how long he's been divorced for us,
although I still have like a lot of questions to ask him.
And yeah, so I'm still getting to know him.
I think I am learning like a lot of things about myself
in this process,
because he's like different than what I'm used to
in terms of like how we communicate or connect, right?
So I don't really know his communication style like that,
because we had been chatting on the app for like a few weeks
like text messages, and then he was doing voice notes.
And then, so we moved off of the app after the date,
and then we still haven't had like a.
conversation on the phone.
So it seems like he's matching my energy.
So if I text him, he texts me.
If I voice note him, he voice notes me.
And I mean, the messages that he sends me,
that I would say they're really thoughtful.
He tells me how his day's been, and what he's doing,
and plans, and blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever.
So yeah, so we're going to meet on Friday.
I told him Friday would be a better day for me,
because I'm off.
And he wants to go on a walk with me.
It's a trail near my house, the community trail or whatever.
And I think the weather should be good for that.
It's not going to be too hot or anything.
So yeah, so with these messages, I'm
I'm not used to it, because I'm used to constant texting,
back and forth, calls.
You know what I'm saying?
And I'm like, he's different.
I don't know.
So I guess it's something that I kind of have to get used to,
like somebody not blowing up my phone.
But yeah, it's just different.
I don't know.
And then I was doing this thing where, so I went away to Georgia
over the weekend.
I went from Thursday, came back on Sunday,
came back on Sunday.
And we chatted the day that I arrived,
because whatever, he wished me well and all that stuff.
And so when I came back, I let him know I came back.
I sent him a message and stuff.
And I didn't hear from him until the very next day.
And then he sent me a voicemail telling me
that he had spent the day with his daughter.
They went to the fair and whatever,
spent the whole day out and stuff,
and didn't get home till late.
And whatever, just updating me and stuff.
But it's just my mind just kind of went somewhere else.
You know what I mean?
I'm just like, what the heck?
Why aren't I hearing from him and all that stuff, whatever?
And I'm just like, oh, man, I don't even
know what's going on here.
Do we still have plans?
It's just, ugh.
And I'm just like, I don't know.
It's just different.
So it's just interesting that.
But he's consistent in communicating with me.
It's just not like right away or when I expect it.
It's just different.
I don't know.
And so, yeah.
So I guess when we meet on Friday,
get to know each other a little bit more.
But I guess what I'm trying to say, too,
is that he's moving at a pace that I'm not used to at all.
And I think for me, I just want to move forward fast.
I'm like, I want to know what's going on.
I want to know your communication style.
What's going on?
What are you doing today?
I want to know all that.
But at the same time, I still need
to know who this person is.
I don't even know if I like this person.
You know what I mean?
I just know that our first date was pretty awesome.
And yeah.
That's so good.
How old is he?
He's 45.
And does he live near you?
Yeah, he's not far.
He lives not even 20 minutes from me.
Oh, that's good.
I think this is good for you.
I like that he's pacing things differently for you.
That's how I had to actually learn pacing,
through someone like a guy showing up a different way.
And it was like, wait a minute.
And so you're like, what is he doing?
Is he married?
Is he this, is he this, is he this?
Why is he?
You realize like, whoa.
I know.
I was just like, whoa.
I need to slow down.
I'm just like, this is.
Like, I had to keep checking myself.
I'm like, what?
He comes and he'll leave me these thoughtful messages
and calm and cool and just.
Yeah.
That's good.
I think that's good.
And who knows where this is going to go.
But whatever you glean from it, if you
have to glean something from it to take with you
in another part of journey, it is pacing.
Pacing is good.
I like when I don't have to slow a person down
and they actually carry a pace.
And even when I want to hear from them, I just won't do it.
Um, I don't like what it feels like when I've been talking to that person every day for
two weeks and now I don't talk to them anymore.
Oh gosh.
Yeah.
That's so true.
I don't even want to have to get over that.
I don't even want to have to get over it.
So let's not do it.
We ain't about to text all day.
We ain't about to talk all day.
And you know, and so.
That's very true.
Yeah.
So I'm excited for you.
Let's see where this goes.
This is exciting.
Yeah.
I'll keep you posted.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Sarah.
What?
Oh, wait.
It was a question though.
Was there a question or just update?
I do have a question.
Oh, sorry.
Not there.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
Hold on.
I jumped back to eat right quick.
Was there a question?
I don't think there's a question.
It's just updating.
Just, yeah.
Okay.
I don't have a question yet.
I just want to make sure.
I just want to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, and you know, if you want to talk to me, you can.
You can.
So, you know, if you want to talk on the phone, you can say to him like, Hey, I would enjoy
if we did some phone conversations, you can always do that.
Yeah.
I do plan on saying that to him on Friday.
So that's why I'm like, okay, when we get together, you know, I know we'll be able to
talk more because it was so good in person, you know?
So I want to see.
Yeah.
How, how he likes to communicate.
But I will say that though.
Like I would like to, if you like it, if you like it, then it needs to get built in.
Okay.
Yeah.
Cool.
Go for it.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
Hi, everybody.
I was just wondering about how much stock to put into text messages and the tone of
certain text messages.
I myself maybe have come off sounding gruffer than I meant to.
And I'm sure maybe the other person can maybe also have a certain tone that maybe they're
not meaning to.
You know, and I've even had a crazy question from a guy who off the bat, when I gave him
my second phone number, I finally set that up.
Yay.
Thank you through a text now app.
So that was awesome.
And I gave him my, my second phone number.
And then he off the bat was like, Hey, Sarah, how's it going?
He's like, so are, do you want to have babies?
Do you want to get pregnant?
I was just like, uh, how about we start with a lighter conversation first?
And he's like, okay, I'm sorry.
I'll back off.
And then I've tried to be like, well, we can still chat, but maybe we can have a lighter
conversation before we, you know, have a deeper one.
So anyways, I did give him the benefit of the doubt.
You know, I didn't write him off 100% or completely, but I have another guy that, um, he, he seemed
really cool, but I feel like something I had said maybe set him off.
And, um, and then he kind of has sound a little gruffer since, and then sounded a little petty
too.
So I'm not sure if it's just because it's through texting and it sounds a little, a
little like that through texting or, or if, uh, so maybe, maybe what I'm thinking and
maybe you can let me know your thoughts.
Like I was thinking of just suggesting, Hey, maybe we can have a phone conversation because
texting, uh, maybe give certain tones that are, or are not the case that we're trying
to convey.
Um, so what do you think about if we had a phone conversation?
Yeah, I think that's a really good idea.
Okay.
That way I'm not writing him off completely based off of a text, which, you know, he may
have or may not have met with a tone.
He may have not had meant to convey or may not have meant to convey.
That's true.
And another thing you can do, if you want to move to a phone conversation, you should
very well do it.
Another thing you can also do, if you're not ready to move to a phone conversation,
you can say, I kind of heard this this way.
Is this what you were meaning?
Yeah.
Were you implying this?
So you can always clear that up.
And even when you see when you send one, you can say, this is going to sound rough.
So I'm just telling you, it's not in a rough way, but this is what I want to say.
And another thing I want you to know, like some women can be rude, that's true, but masculine
men can handle stuff.
You're not dealing with babies and they can stay in some heat.
You know, people have to be mature enough to ask questions in return.
I took it this way, is this what you meant?
Was this a joke or was this a real question?
You know, like even the guy about babies, like, wow, don't know where you got that joke
from.
How's your day going?
Just like, you know, you can blow out what he said as if I would respond to you.
Right.
It's foolish.
So if it was a joke, how's your day going?
Because I certainly took it as a joke, buddy.
Yeah, exactly.
Maybe a little horny.
No, I'm just kidding.
I don't know.
It was very like, oh my God.
Gosh.
Yeah, that's strange.
Yeah, it was a very awkward question.
Yeah, for sure.
Wow.
But yeah, you can always say what you're gonna say.
Yeah, okay.
Cause yeah, and I should feel free to,
cause I felt like we had a connection.
He said, you know, would you like to have,
could we exchange phone numbers
or if you're not comfortable right now?
And I said, okay, yeah, maybe in a couple of days,
cause I was trying to scramble to get that,
you know, second phone number.
And then when I followed up with him,
I said, okay, here's my number.
And I said, you know, and I,
it's not that I wasn't comfortable, you know,
it was more so that I was trying, I was honest.
I was trying to get a second phone number
and I was having a problem with doing that.
So I finally did it, you know, and I, you know,
I said, that's just where I'm at.
So, you know, I didn't want to like over explain
and try to, but I was just being honest.
And then he texted me on Sunday
and Sunday I really just like to unplug.
And I did, I did check to see if he texted and he did,
but I was kind of like, let me respond Monday.
And so I responded Monday
and then he was late getting back to me.
So I texted again,
cause I was excited about talking to him,
but then I felt like he was kind of
putting me off a little bit
because I put him off the next day.
So then his response was, can I read you his response?
Yeah, go for it.
Okay, so his response was,
let me get into the app real quick.
Okay, so he said,
sorry guys, he said,
yeah, he said, so we were talking about how,
you know, schedules can be tricky.
He said, yeah, technically it's crazy sometimes at first,
I thought that I, and he's,
he's from originally from Honduras.
Yeah, technically it's crazy sometimes at first
I thought that I wasn't sending text messages
to the right number
because it took some time for you to reply,
but I guess you were busy.
Ha ha ha, it happens to me as well.
Wow, sounds, and then I told him
I was going to be doing a lot of banana bread baking.
He says, wow, sounds like you have a lot of work to do,
but I guess you've been through that before.
I'm sure you can handle it.
Yeah, he was kind of slick saying like,
hey, it took your whole day to respond.
Yeah.
I told him I take Sundays.
I just kind of unplug on Sundays.
I told him before I said it,
I totally sound about not understand
about not being able to follow up same day.
I tend to like to take texting, cell phone,
checking breaks from my phone all day on Sundays.
And I know things can get busy in our lives
on some days more than others, LOL.
Yeah, that was good.
I like that you just share back with him like,
hey, I take this day for myself.
Yeah.
I think that's good.
And he was just, it lets you know that he noticed it,
that you didn't respond, you know, so.
Yeah.
So don't take it personal.
Don't take it as a, like he's being kind of like,
I don't know, a little rude,
but more so that he was trying to communicate
and then I can just communicate back.
Do you think that was worthy of a tone?
Cause I want to be able to be myself,
but I feel like he is-
It sounds like he said,
I really wanted to hear from you and I didn't.
That's what I heard.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
And so usually I make-
I want to talk to him too.
Yeah.
And so you can always leave it there.
So usually if I make a person wait,
when I reach out to them the next day,
I'll be like, good morning.
I was so happy to see you messaged me yesterday.
I was so tempted to message you back,
but it was my day of rest and recovery.
So I couldn't do it, but I'm here now.
How was yesterday and what do you have going on today?
Okay.
So kind of being real about having,
wanting to talk with him, but not, you know,
having to take a break that day.
I like that.
Cool.
Thank you very much, Ebony.
You're welcome.
I'm so happy for you getting back out there.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right.
Daisy.
Daisy, I wrote your name down before you raised your hand,
cause I was going to ask you to,
to come on the mic for me.
Can I share with you some coaching about when you gave me
the other part of your story,
or do you want to talk about something else?
No, no.
Yeah.
I was going to give you an update and I had a question on
some, some dating stuff,
but I was also going to bring this up because I wanted to.
Okay.
Go for it.
I was trying to,
what I wanted to say is that I wanted to hear more of your
heart around the matter because I still don't understand how
you're connecting.
Okay.
What your ex-husband was doing was very dis,
inappropriate and very dishonoring.
You think that, huh?
Is that, is that like,
sometimes I don't know if it's just me.
being too, like, rigid, or is that, like, whatever?
Well, if you said to your ex-husband, like,
this is something that makes me very uncomfortable,
and he continued to do it, it's his choice.
But sometimes that's not a hard compromise, you know?
Like, hey, you know, you're not comfortable with him
looking at nudity on a movie.
That's just not what you're comfortable with.
Now, he may can say, well, it's everywhere,
and it is everywhere.
But that makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason.
So, OK, but I'm not able to understand
how you're tying your husband's dishonor to this new guy.
Are you fearful that he won't honor what you ask,
that he won't see you, hear you, or know you?
Like, is that the connection?
I really don't know what the connection is.
It's because when I felt that, when
I was hearing about the teacher, my friend
was telling me about this other teacher's, like,
really great results.
And I was just trying to figure out,
where is this feeling coming from?
Like, my body was getting really tense,
and I was just trying to get to the root of that.
And I've been praying about it, you know,
going back to the hard work stuff.
And then I just got a memory of sitting, watching shows that,
one in particular I remember, and just
feeling that same sort of tense feeling in my body
whenever the scenes would come up.
And I don't know what the connection is.
I'm trying to figure out, where did it start?
What I want to know is, like, is this something wrong with me?
Like, why am I feeling this way?
Is this normal?
Like, most people would feel that way, most women.
Or is it just something wrong in me
that I'm feeling this way, like, uncomfortable?
In this situation.
In the situation with you with the man,
he's watching nudity?
Yeah, like, and it wasn't like porn or anything.
It was just a regular show.
It was funny some of the times.
But it was like, I always knew this one of the characters
was always, like, top was going to come off,
you know, full frontal, everything showing.
And I just didn't like that, that, you know,
we'd be watching that, he'd be watching that.
And so when I said it, I don't remember.
It was a long time ago.
But I just know that it continued for a while.
And how that connects to this new guy,
I think it was just a matter of, like, fear.
Everything feels different and good with this new guy.
Really, really good.
But I think it was just in the back of my mind,
like, it feels too good almost to be true, maybe,
that what if I'm missing something?
And what if, I don't know, you know,
it's like, we're later years down the road or something,
and this is just something
you don't usually bring up in dating, you know?
And if there's something wrong within me
that this situation happens again, you know,
it's like, is he gonna act the same way?
I know I'm jumping way ahead,
but I'm just trying to make the connections myself
and trying to figure out, like,
is this something that I need to get rid of
inside of me or what?
So how long have you been dating the guy?
This guy, it's coming up on a month.
And how often do y'all hang out or talk?
Yeah, we've had three in-person dates once a week,
and tomorrow is gonna be our fourth in-person date,
and maybe two FaceTime calls,
and then some other regular calls in between.
He texts every day, we text every day.
So it's, and he has respected my,
like when I've asked him not to call me dear
or just say a lot about the future stuff,
he has respected that.
He did slip up one time and apologized for it.
So I've noticed that he's just,
he's very consistent as far as communication,
which is very different from my ex-husband.
He was beginning like that,
but then later on, it just completely,
there was no communication at all.
So he's very different in that sense.
I'm just kind of like holding my breath.
I guess I don't want it to change.
He's been like this, you know, really good communicator,
and there's no signs showing he's.
Gonna change but I think it's just a little bit of fear in me coming up to say
What if he turns out to be kind of the same, you know, how long have you been divorced?
Since
Since last year, I think it was we've been said
the end of 2023 and
The divorce was finalized
2025 yeah, okay
How long were y'all married?
Seven years, okay, so I want to say that it is
Kind of very natural when you first get a divorce
To compare the people you're dating to to your husband as a measuring stick
So I don't want them to be like that because he was like this
I don't want them to be like this because he was like this
I'm scared that they're gonna but I don't want them to show signs of this and the further you get out from your divorce
The list least likely you're gonna do that
I'm speaking from experience and so when I first went out there when I first started dating people
Everything was like if he got any trait any trait any trait of what I said had in my marriage any trait
Um, I'm no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope, but the further I got away from that
I don't measure any man by their marriage because they're not measurable by it. I
Measure people by my ability to make decisions
What do you mean by that meaning my judgment my my equipping my skill set
That's the measurement not them
I'm the measurer if that makes sense
I measured them by what I know what I will allow myself awareness what I know
I'm being toward doing and so what's happening here is
You're in partnership more with the relationship than you are with God
Because you're like, I hope he doesn't change. I hope he doesn't change. No, you hope he does change
If there's a change in him, you need to see it
If there's things you need to know you don't want to live in a fantasy till you get to I do no one is you're
Asking for perfection, but I'm giving you a full picture. Nobody's perfect
The common denominator in this is not somebody not like your ex-husband is you Daisy you do the choosing?
Whatever you whatever is gonna happen you're gonna have some hand in it
This man or relationships or things you enter to don't control you you're the denominator you're the controller
Right, and so I'm saying that to give you back or to we got to take back your power
Your ability to make decisions and you may be saying well, I don't want to make the wrong decision
I just hope everything goes. Okay. I just hope and when you start hoping like that, you'll ignore things
That you should have noticed that you should pay attention to and so I understand that
There's some fears coming up. But some of that fear is coming up from your self-talk. And when you say this is going really good
I just don't want anything to mess up. Well, the truth is you're only four weeks in
It's going four weeks good
Hear my language is going four weeks good
So if you wanna if you marry and you be married you're married to this person for the next 50 years
You're just four weeks good in
Four weeks good in
four weeks
That's it
30 days good in and I know it sounds like I'm saying the same thing
I'm taking it slow, but I need you to absorb it because you don't know him
You're getting to know him
but if you put the reason why fears are coming up because you may be placing some
Certainty in who he is and that's why you hope that it wouldn't change because you put a mark on it. You stamped it
Okay, kind of like what you were talking about earlier like
Is he the one or something like that? Yes. He the one is he the one is he the one?
I don't want to do this all over again
I don't want this is this like that kind of language if you hear it it gives a signal to you
This is not don't have the language
Identify the language in you when you hear it you remind yourself, even if he is the one I'm gonna pace and go through the process
Even if he is the one I'm gonna work the skills that I have I'm gonna look for fruit
I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna continue to partner with God. I'm gonna be curious. Is it easy? No, is it worth it? Yes
Because you don't have to have a fear of getting married and getting divorced again if you operate in wisdom
You see, and wisdom is everything that you've been taught in this program.
And remind yourself that there's one thing that's really important that I want to share
with you.
Ladies, when we're dating, there are times when God brings great men just to restore
us back to the place that we need to be so that we can choose a well suitor, a really
good husband.
If you've had relationships that tear you down in the past, he'll send a good man along
that may not be your man to build you up to the place you need to be so your eyes can
see well.
Because if you don't get to the place of restoration, you will see crumbs and take them and eat
them as if they were a turkey and some dressing.
Because you were so used to crumbs and you never got restored back to the original order.
Maybe you never even had it when you chose the person you were with.
And so God is very intentional on bringing that restoration into your life.
And so if you talk to somebody you're four weeks good in and you get to eight weeks in
and you realize like, yeah, they're really good, but I just don't think they're best
suited for me.
You're going to cry your tears and you're going to release them and you're going to
be thankful for everything you enjoyed along the way.
I've had so many good men, godly men, to come into my life and pour so many wonderful things
into my life, to give me good things and good times and good dates and beautiful flowers.
I got some beautiful flowers sitting up on my counter right now.
They are beautiful.
When he gave them to me, I couldn't stop smiling, my jaws started hurting.
I was like, I can't stop smiling, my jaws are hurting and he bust out laughing.
And it's that joy of knowing that you are worth, you are worthy of a good time.
You are worth flowers, you are worth whatever they're pouring out.
They showed up like a man for you and in the past, maybe someone didn't show up in a masculine
order for you.
And so there's, I don't want you to put all of your ducks in one basket.
I don't want you to place certainty on this person, but I want you to enjoy the journey.
Every time you feel yourself becoming anxious or your nervous system wanting to put certainty
in a place where it should not belong, it only belongs to God.
You have to remind yourself that you're partnering with the Lord, you're not partnering with
that person.
Because when you switch partners, you are setting yourself up for a really, really hard
fall because then you start looking at them like, I thought we was in this together.
You don't know them enough to give them that type of leeway with you.
Yeah.
Okay.
Right?
That makes sense?
Yeah.
And so some of the things you have going on, it's just some of the things, these feelings,
it's your nervous system.
Your nervous system could be saying it doesn't feel safe for whatever reason, don't mean
you ignore your nervous system.
You just say, okay, this is an observation.
And he did something when I was around him, I didn't feel very safe.
Why is my nervous system responding this way?
Could it be just be a fear?
It could be just be a fear, but you don't have to put more weight on it than it should.
You acknowledge it.
And then you just keep your eyes open.
Okay.
So, so you told me a little while ago, I am in control, like I have to get my control
back.
Right?
Okay.
Yeah.
So tomorrow's date, we're going to go to the movies.
And he works, he goes in at four.
So all of our dates have been like brunch or breakfast kind of thing.
And so we're going to the movies at 10.
And we're going to watch Moana, because that's available at 10.
And I told him, I'm not a huge fan of animated movies, but I'm sure we're gonna have a good
time.
Is that, like, is that okay?
Or is it like, sometimes I just don't know, like, if it's, if it's okay.
What I'm saying is, like, am I just being someone different to please him?
Or do I just say, nah, I don't like that type of movie, like, let's just wait till we can
find another one that that I like.
Well, two things can happen.
Why do you say he always do his dates in the daytime?
What did you say the reason why this is happening?
He works at he goes in to work at four.
Okay.
And unless it's the weekends, then I think...
Did we meet up?
I don't remember if we met up one of the weekends.
Oh, I got you.
So what you're...
Do as you decide.
Is it the movie that you're most interested in
or spending time with him?
Spending time with him.
OK.
So you may not be into Moana, but you
want to spend time with him.
And so I'm sure, I don't know if he's into Moana,
but maybe he's just doing it so y'all can spend time together.
If you don't want to go to a movie,
then you can pick something else you
want to do to spend your time with.
Say, I want to spend time with you.
How about we go to the park?
How about we go on a walk?
How about we go fishing?
I don't know what the weather is like where you are,
but you can suggest you all do something else at 10 AM.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, we can definitely do that.
We've gone bowling before.
That was fun.
And the other couple of times, it's just we go out to eat.
So yeah.
So fishing, walking.
What else is open at 10 AM?
I was going to check into kayaking,
but I haven't done that.
But that could be an option.
OK.
Yeah.
The only other thing I was going to ask you about
is I am still on the dating app, a couple of them.
And he told me early on that he was going to get off of it.
And I told him, we're just getting to know each other.
I'm not there yet.
And so he has mentioned that a couple of times.
And I told him the same thing pretty much.
So I'm trying to also just have just chats with other guys.
But most of them are at least two hours away, maybe
two and a half hours or farther.
And I'm finding myself just, it's
kind of like it's just easier to continue with this guy.
He's only an hour away.
And so I don't know if that's kind of an unhealthy thing
to do, too.
But should I put more emotional investment
in really trying to get to know these other guys on the apps?
I've asked a couple of them to go on video chats
because I just say it's really hard
to get to know somebody through just text messages.
And a couple of them had said yes.
But not today or whatever.
And I just never pursued actually trying to do that.
Because I think, like I said, it's just easier
with this guy who's actually in, I can see him in person.
And he's making an effort every day.
So what do you think?
So he's mentioned to you about coming out the apps.
You can ask him, say, hey, I noticed
you keep mentioning about coming out the apps.
When you say this, it makes me, what are you wanting to say?
You need to ask him to say whatever he wants to say.
Then you can explain to him that before you
go exclusive with someone, you like
to give it about, whatever you're
going to pick, 70 to 90 days.
If you think you might want to go exclusive with him,
you can change it from 90 days to 70.
You can say, this is a conversation
we can revisit in 70 days, or whatever your days are.
Whatever you are now, say, hey, I wouldn't mind,
we can revisit an exclusive conversation,
because that's what he's saying.
You say, coming out the apps to me speaks of exclusivity.
If that's where you're going with this,
this is a conversation I would rather
entertain at this particular date
or any time after this date.
So date on the calendar, pull it up, count out the days,
give him the date on the calendar.
OK.
Yeah, I can do that.
He basically said that he was doing that.
He was coming off of the apps, because he just
wanted to focus on this relationship.
So.
That's good.
He can do that.
You've been honest with him.
I think sometimes, I've shared with people,
this is how I date.
I spend this much time in this process, in this phase,
and I go exclusive at this time, if you're interested.
If we make it there, that's the time for this conversation.
OK.
Yeah, sometimes.
Yeah, and sometimes I'm not even talking to anybody else.
But I'm not going to go exclusive with you, because I'm
not talking to somebody else.
I may talk to somebody else.
I may not have time to juggle multiple people,
but I'm not going to say I'm coming out the app.
I'm not going to say that it's just us.
If you want to go exclusive with me,
you're going to open up your mouth,
and you're going to come to me like a man,
and you're going to share what you want to do.
That's how that's going to work.
It's not going to be hints.
I'm coming out the app.
OK, great.
Yeah.
I think you done went with it.
Yeah.
Okay, sounds good. Thank you so much for all your feedback.
Oh, you're welcome. And Daisy, I do think too, is some more, I can't dig through it
now with some of the things, the way you felt about your ex-husband watching things on television,
that could be tied to some ways you feel about bodies, your body, or even your believer and
what you guard your eyes against. So there's some little avenues that we didn't get a chance
to discuss, but they are discussable. It's just that time is moving along. And so I don't
know which one is, we have to dig a bit more, but there is something there. And so because
if you're going to still have that stance, I want you to understand where that comes
from in you, so that when you enter into marriage again, you can be able to share before you
even go into marriage, how you feel about that. And that is something that your spouse
can honor. Does that make sense? Just because of one of the things for me, just because
of the consecration on my life, I don't watch anything. I don't listen to anything. It's
not going to happen. Especially not nudity. I'm not going to even listen to too much cursing.
It's not that I'm so super this, it's just because of the consecration on my life. And
that's me, may not be somebody else. And me, I wouldn't have super pornographic things.
I don't care if it even isn't a movie in my house. That's just how it works. And so there's
some things that have to be worked through, but you find out what the source of it is.
And so there is definitely something there and I don't want, you can post in the app
and we can kind of try to work through it a little bit more to nail it down. So you'll
know. Yes, thank you. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, you're welcome. All right. And
ladies, all of you guys, you definitely are free to go. We're over time. So don't feel
like you have to hang around. I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to say that. Go ahead,
Laura. Hey, Daisy. Also, if you check out what Karen put in the chat, she said that
you can go to farmer markets or sometimes have free museums open during the day or e-bikes.
So she gave you some ideas in there. Oh, awesome. Thank you, Karen. Yes, Laura. How's it going?
It's going. Yeah. So like some of the coaching that you've given people like have given me
like food for thought. But because Wade and I like, well, yeah, we did start out dating
and now we're like just hanging out because I'm still trying to figure out like my feelings
for him. But we are at like 90 days because we started like dating like mid-April. So
yeah, how do I like because like I don't know, there was a situation that happened at our
Rotary meeting yesterday and I kind of had this moment where like I was jealous. I was
like, what? Whatever. I don't know. He he brought like this woman to our meeting just
as a visitor. And like I initially like I was like kind of like I was like, excuse me.
He yeah. But by the time like. Yeah, I wanted to like talk to him at the end of the meeting
or whatever, she had already left. She and he said like as he was walking in, because
I'm one of the secretaries, so like I check people in and whatever, and he like introduced
her to me and like our other people at the front table or whatever. And he said that
I'm not sure I didn't find out like how they met, but she is part of some like she has
some swim business or something in town or whatever. I don't know. So yeah, so I was
like, well, is that like kind of a sign that like I am having like more feelings for him
than like I guess I thought that I initially did or something? I don't know. Women are
territorial for sure. I mean, all right. Way to make you look jealous. I like it. I like
it. I was like I was trying to like decide like, yeah, like how like I don't know. But
I mean, he did reach out to me last night because like I have had like a trying past
few days or whatever, because. Yeah, I have this friend that I've known for like at least
the past 15 years or whatever, and her name is Christy, and I was texting him last week
or whatever that I was trying to like get together with her. And then I found out on
Sunday that that she died on Friday last week or whatever. And yeah, she was only in her
mid 50s and she left behind. Yeah, well, her husband committed suicide. Well, she was assaulted
in our town like almost two years ago. And like her husband was like really struggling
and with what had happened to her. And yeah.
I don't think he was getting like the support that he needed.
And so like, yeah, he just like stepped out into traffic and an
oncoming car like hit him like two years ago, whatever. And so
now like both of her kids like have lost both their parents or
whatever. So like, I've just really been like upset about
that. Yeah, like she was a really close friend. And like
her her oldest, like went to school with my son from like
elementary school through like high school. And so I've known
her for like many years. And I knew her husband. And like, I
know both her kids more like her older daughter, whatever.
But um, but Wade has been very supportive because like he knew
that I had been like trying to like reach out to connect with
my friends. And and then yeah, like I told him like when I
found out on Sunday, yeah, that like, um, yeah, that I was like
devastated because like, it was weird because I got this text
while I was at church from the sky. He just said that his name
was Brent. And well, he did say that he was Christie's brother
and he wanted me to like reach out to him. So I called him
when I got home. And yeah, he said that. Yeah, they think that
she died of natural causes. She was at home. And, and I feel
really bad because her 20 year old daughter was the one that
like founder. Oh, no. Yeah. And her son just graduated from high
school in June. And he's like going to college in September.
And I know it's just I went by Sunday afternoon and I spoke
with the daughter and yeah, and just and also like told the
brother when I spoke to him on Sunday, that yeah, that I'm here
to like support them and whatever. But um, yeah, so I'm
trying to to figure out because, because also like about Wade or
whatever, because I'm like, I've told you before that like, he's
the only guy that I've dated since like, I got divorced eight
years ago. And so like, in my mind, I mean, like some of the
things that you were telling other people earlier, whatever
is that, um, yeah, and I even told Wade that I do appreciate
that, like, he's such a kind and considerate man that, that he
has, like, given me hope that there are still good men out
there, whatever, because that that was my struggle for like,
the past, like seven and a half years of being like deathly
afraid of dating or whatever. And so um, yeah, I mean, he did
have like, I guess a yellow flag that like, kind of like stood
out to me last week or whatever I connected with, um, I don't
know, some of the other ladies in the program or whatever. And
because he, I think he was triggered by because his
daughter, she, she got into drugs. And when she was 16, and
there was an 18 year old guy, like the daughter was like
sneaking out of the house. So when I when I told him like had
this conversation with him last week, on the phone about like,
Christine, her situation of going to the police department
in our town, and her sergeant, like had her on like, a
recorded line. And she because she knows the guy that assaulted
her, and she had this phone number. And so like, after the
police department, like she called the guy actually admitted
that he did like a seltzer, but like nothing ever happened or
whatever. And so when I mentioned that, like, way just
like, totally, like, lost it or whatever. And he like whipped in
the conversation and tell me about what happened with his
daughter and how she snuck out of the house. And him and his
ex wife. Well, his wife at the time or whatever they went, they
had cops in their car to like, go see if they could find her.
And she was actually like, just three blocks away or whatever.
Sitting smoking marijuana with this 18 year old guy like that
she had bought the drugs from. And he so he like he stopped the
car and he told his wife to like, because like the daughter
started running off in one direction and like the other guy
and the guy like in the opposite direction or whatever. And so he
told the wife to go get the daughter which she did and went
home and whatever. And he like, he nabbed the guy or whatever.
And he, he called the cops. So like, initially, two cops showed
up or whatever. And then for whatever reason, like two other
cops showed up or whatever. But he and I did have a follow up
conversation with them or whatever, because, like, I was
shocked because like, he's never like sworn before, like,
whatever. And so when he was like, telling me the story,
which I mean, I know I told him, I'm like, yeah, it was a very
upsetting story. But he's like, he grabbed the guy and he like,
well, the officer like arrest, well, they put him like they put
handcuffs on him, put him in like the police cruiser or
whatever. And then the young guy wanted to call his dad. So the
cop let him call his dad, the dad shows up. And Wade literally
threatened, both the young man and the dad. And he said that he
would, he would F and kill them both. If
son ever approached his daughter again or whatever.
And so that really freaked me out or whatever,
because the ex, my ex, was very volatile.
He had a very angry temper periodically.
We called him, well, I called him a Jekyll and Hyde
or whatever.
From one moment to the next, you wouldn't
know whether he was like.
And so I kind of questioned Wade about his comments,
because I told him that you've never swarmed.
And he did apologize or whatever.
But yeah, I mean, he did kind of justify to a certain degree,
because he's like, which I mean, yeah, I told him,
I've never been in a situation like that.
So to be so concerned about my child,
because he said that, yeah, his daughter,
she almost lost her life a couple of different times.
And it was just a very scary time or whatever.
So I don't know.
OK.
So you know, that's not a yellow flag.
That's just him being a man and protecting his daughter,
probably.
Men respond differently than women.
I don't believe that speaks to him.
It speaks to if he gets angry.
But everyone behaves a certain way when they get angry.
So you could call it a yellow flag
if you want to compare him to your ex-husband,
but he's not your ex-husband.
So I can see that you can come up with that.
And if he does get upset and use curse words,
he has the right to get upset and use swear words.
He's an individual.
And so his life is not going to be fashioned
to fit what you're safe with, Laura.
But that doesn't mean that he, OK, he's an individual.
And then there has to be, you're going to,
I'm not saying that he doesn't have to be safe.
But I'm saying the way he handles things
don't have to fit into your diagram
of how he's supposed to respond.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
And so the point is, up until this point,
Wade has always made you feel safe.
Like you've not had any reason to believe
he's not a safe person.
But now you do know if someone come along,
mess with his 16-year-old daughter,
he's going to give him the business.
And if somebody, if you wanted to,
I can connect you with something else.
If somebody came up in your house to do harm to you,
he's going to give him the business
because he protects what he loves.
Right, yeah.
And no man is going to stand for an older boy.
You can imagine the things will come and say,
she probably had sex with him.
He probably trying to convince her to do this,
this, this, this, this, this.
So there's so many things in there.
So I wouldn't put a lot of weight on that.
Because you are at 90 days, you know, if you want to,
you can go back to him and say,
Wade, we've been talking for 90 days.
I know I put us back on the friendship route,
but I think it's time for us to discuss
if we're going to move forward.
I'm open to the conversation if you would like to have it.
And the reason why you're introducing the conversation
is because you did change it back to a friend.
But if you want to get,
at this point, it's time to make a decision
about if you're going to move forward with him or you're not.
Right, because at some point,
an emotional bond is going to come.
It is rightfully so for you to feel jealous
if he brought another woman.
It's nothing wrong with you about that.
You've been spending a great deal of time with him.
You enjoy him.
As far as you know,
there's not been another woman in the picture.
You're the woman.
He told you he had romantic interest in you.
You slowed it down and said,
you just want to be friends.
That's perfectly fine.
But now you're at 90 days and you realize
that he could have been with another woman.
And so there's something about him,
either you want to move forward or you don't.
But Laura, you can rightfully so have
that conversation with him.
Say, we've been at it for three months.
I'm saying to you again,
so you can know we've been at it for three months.
You can say, I don't see us going further,
so I'm going to walk away now.
Or let's conversate about if we want to be exclusive.
Yeah, I mean, that kind of scares me,
being that he's been the only one.
So I don't know.
I've been trying to go to different things,
but I haven't really met somebody.
But I'm not saying that I'm like,
I'm not just trying to dismiss him,
because I'm like, I don't know the Lord's plan.
I'm like, maybe he is the one the Lord has for me
or whatever, I don't know.
Well, at this point, it's not about if he's the one
that the Lord has for you.
It's about you evaluating way and making a decision
if you want to move forward with him,
if this is something you would agree to.
So it's not about a mystery of God this or God that.
You can actually pray before you have a conversation
and ask the Lord to lead your conversation
or to show you, to give you wisdom.
Tell the Lord, I'm interested to know your thoughts
about way, viability.
God, I'm prepared to have this conversation with him. Thank you for wisdom.
Okay. Yeah. Right. And so if you haven't been crying about that lately. Yeah. Okay.
And so when you have the conversation with Wade about if you, if he wants to move forward in
exclusivity, then you need to have a conversation around what that means. So I need you to jot down
like when it's your timeline for marriage, you're not just getting in another exclusive, you're not
getting an exclusive relationship to stay in for two years. It doesn't mean that you're saying
we're going to get married on this date next year, but what is the timeline? What does that look like?
So you have the conversation that when I go exclusive, I come out the market,
I date for marriage at this point. And so wait, what,
when do you see yourself desiring marriage to actually be married again? Right.
And then you make sure that you let him know that if y'all do move forward in exclusivity,
you're going to give a closer eye to some things because your mind is, you're headed toward marriage.
And so meaning you may bring us some things that have a little more concern than you did in the
first 90 days. Well, yeah, cause I would definitely want to have that conversation
also about like his like church attendance. Yeah. Right. And so, you know, after y'all agree,
you're not going to have church attendance, the conversation before you agree to go exclusive,
before you explain to him what exclusivity means to you and you explain to him that you are dating
for marriage. And so you already know when you want to be married, you asked him what's his
timeline on marriage. And then that point, you're going to make a decision about if you want to move
forward in exclusivity with him or not. Cause if he says two years, you, are you, are you wanting
to date him for two years before you marry him? No, no. So you're going to say, Hey, I had more
in mind. I don't know what you have in mind a year, nine months, 10 months, whatever you have
in mind, you're gonna say, those were my thoughts. Um, and, uh, if this is not something we can align
on, I don't think it's best that we move forward. Hmm. Right. Right. And then you're going to say,
right. And then he'll get to speak his piece. He'll get to share what he wants to share.
And so this is a really important conversation. One that you want to take your time on.
You want to have all your stuff laid out, but you don't want to start talking about like,
you know, and it says we go exclusive on these and you cross over. Then you start
talking about more important things. Okay. Sounds good. Yes. Okay. Let me know what you
decide and let me know how it goes. Okay. I will do that. Okay. All right. You're welcome.
You hung in there. It's been a long night, Nikki. So good to see you. Um, shoot me a, uh,
it make us so good. Send me an email, Nikki, give me an update and you, you too, Rachel,
I guess Rachel, I owe you an update, huh? Um, yeah, I did respond. You did. I didn't respond to
you. Um, my response was really short, but yeah. Um, um, yeah, but I'll, I'll, I was trying to
work my really short response not to sound really, um, uh, I don't know. Okay. It can be truthful.
Okay. You can just tell me what you think. Um, I wouldn't, I think the question on tables was
returning back to, uh, uh, level two. Um, and I think I said this in one of the other ones
that you weigh out what a person has already said to you and take them at their word.
Yeah, I've, I've, that's something that I've shared with another friend of mine,
because I said, because I was telling her that out of the heart, the mouth speaks.
So I couldn't forget that. Um, but one of the things that was suggested to me was
it's to take that and put it as a flag, put that as a flag without, without denying that it was said
and, and watch pay attention. Um, so I mean, we're not interacting much anymore. So it's like,
to me, I don't feel like, um, I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm dating to be honest.
Well, that's good. As long as you have this stance and you're not in a hopeful position
and you're not letting his words navigate, you're dating other people.
And you are, no, that's why I was, that's why I asked you the question because I got,
wait, you didn't see my latest update. I got back on the apps.
Oh no, I didn't know you put that on there. Yeah. You did. I don't know if you said you
were going to, or you are. Oh, good. Good. That's my only, that's my only thoughts. Cause even more
than my thoughts is true. You
could have been on the apps and still holding on to that.
And I just didn't want that.
I'm like, because of the level that y'all had in friendship,
I was like, it's a lot enmeshed in there.
And so I just want to be clear, it's like, eh.
So I'm glad that you're moving on because that
wasn't enough to move on.
I mean, I'm not like, I'm leaving the door open,
like I said in the email.
But I'm not like, having, I'm not like this.
I don't have my face like this.
Like, oh, like, no.
Yeah, I mean, if we connect, we connect.
But you know.
Yeah.
Does that make sense?
That was my only concern.
Yeah.
And I think that separation also created distance for me.
Like, just even, I can give you a quick example.
So I was supposed to go to New Jersey to do something
that I was invited to.
And then, so we talked one of the days.
And he was like, oh, why, like, you didn't go to New Jersey?
And I was like, oh, it's a multifactorial reason, right?
Yeah.
And he was like, hmm, like, you answered the question,
but kind of like you're being vague.
Yeah.
I didn't say that to him.
But I'm like, but you're the one who asked for space.
I don't want to go deep.
Like, I'm keeping it surface level.
That's right.
That's right, Rachel.
That's right.
But I didn't say it outright, you know?
But it's true.
What I said wasn't a lie.
It was multifactorial.
But if I was going deeper, then maybe I
could have shed my heart a little bit deeper
because it was about family and so much more than just,
I didn't go.
You know what I mean?
So there were multiple factors that went
into me making the decision.
But he could see that I wasn't being open and sharing
at a deeper level.
Right, but he didn't get the access anymore.
That's right.
But I didn't tell him outright.
You didn't tell him.
He felt it.
You have to give people what they want.
Yeah.
OK.
All right, ladies.
You rest well and have a good night.
Love you, Ebony.
Oh, I love you too, Nikki.
You're amazing.
Bye.
Mika, keep me up to date.
Good night, ladies.
Everybody, keep me up to date.
Thank you, Ebony.
Have a good night, y'all.
All right, have a good night.