WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:15.420 Okay. All right. We're all good to go. Okay. So how's your day been going? 2 00:00:15.420 --> 00:00:23.540 No, good. Not so good. I need to change my view. I can't see y'all faces like I want to. 3 00:00:23.540 --> 00:00:31.700 All right. Yeah. And now I see that I look okay as well. Your day's been going good. 4 00:00:31.700 --> 00:00:41.020 It's so good to see you Mika and Daisy and Amy and Nancy and Amanda and Sarah and Kiera and Rachel. 5 00:00:41.020 --> 00:00:50.100 We, um, I hope that seeing some of y'all, I hope that you have lots of updates for me. 6 00:00:50.100 --> 00:00:56.860 Um, I'm excited to hear from you all. Hey, Kim. Hey, Laura. Um, I guess you would say, 7 00:00:56.860 --> 00:01:01.300 is your name Aerie? A-R-I or Aerie? How do you say that? 8 00:01:01.300 --> 00:01:02.300 Yes, it's Aerie. 9 00:01:02.300 --> 00:01:12.620 Aerie. Aerie. Okay. And, um, and I see you there. Yes, we have updates. Good. So I'm gonna get us 10 00:01:12.620 --> 00:01:16.700 started with a couple of announcements. Um, kind of do a little housekeeping. 11 00:01:16.860 --> 00:01:19.500 Listening won't come to delivery. If it looks up, can you let her in? 12 00:01:21.500 --> 00:01:23.420 Could you hear me, Jenna? Yeah. Thanks. 13 00:01:26.460 --> 00:01:30.780 So let me look at our notes here. I didn't print out those announcements. 14 00:01:34.300 --> 00:01:36.700 Let's see. What do we have here? 15 00:01:36.700 --> 00:01:50.380 Hmm. If anyone is new here, welcome to phase two. I do want you to tell me all about that. 16 00:01:50.940 --> 00:01:55.180 Um, if this is your first day, I'm not quite looking at the screen now, but I will follow 17 00:01:55.180 --> 00:02:00.940 back up with you. So, um, and then I'll tell you more about myself if this is your first time. 18 00:02:00.940 --> 00:02:06.380 It doesn't look like it's someone's first time, but it could be. Um, some of you ladies have been 19 00:02:06.380 --> 00:02:12.940 doing really great with putting at our name because a lot of times if that's not done, 20 00:02:12.940 --> 00:02:18.780 we don't know that you've replied and you'll have to do it when you reply back. Also, I haven't 21 00:02:18.780 --> 00:02:23.100 quite figured out how to tag you all because it doesn't let me. So those of you who tag us 22 00:02:23.740 --> 00:02:28.140 and our name pops up in the black, please do tell me how you do that because I don't know 23 00:02:28.140 --> 00:02:33.340 how to do it. And I see some, some of you ladies know how to do it. And some of you don't because 24 00:02:33.340 --> 00:02:37.900 you'll do it, but it doesn't, it won't find us. You know what I'm saying? It's not in the black 25 00:02:37.900 --> 00:02:43.820 or bolded. So that means it's not sending out the alert. Um, and so I'll let someone unmute and 26 00:02:43.820 --> 00:02:50.860 share that in just a moment. Um, if you posted something and we haven't, um, we haven't responded, 27 00:02:50.860 --> 00:02:55.660 please, please just don't, we won't be offended if you make another post and be like, Hey, 28 00:02:55.660 --> 00:03:01.260 I posted this day. Um, can I get a reply back? It won't be a problem. Just help us steward the 29 00:03:01.260 --> 00:03:05.180 community where we have no problem with it, you know, with different kinks and things going on 30 00:03:05.180 --> 00:03:10.940 with the app. Um, I like the way everyone has been showing up, encouraging each other, celebrating 31 00:03:10.940 --> 00:03:15.820 each other, receiving each other, growing together. Um, it, it makes a big difference, 32 00:03:15.820 --> 00:03:21.740 you know, when you are navigating dating things and you have people on your side, 33 00:03:21.740 --> 00:03:25.260 even when you feel like you were doofus or it was stupid or you shouldn't have done that. 34 00:03:25.260 --> 00:03:29.180 And then you bring it to your community and they're like, it's okay. We've done the same 35 00:03:29.180 --> 00:03:35.180 thing. Don't worry about that. It's not the end of the road. And so let's give yourselves a hand 36 00:03:35.180 --> 00:03:41.420 for showing up that way because you ladies really are amazing. Um, don't forget about, um, 37 00:03:43.180 --> 00:03:48.380 one-on-one coaching that you can do at any time. Some of us have things that cannot be 38 00:03:48.380 --> 00:03:54.620 unpacked in this. And I am a champion proponent, if you want to call it a one-on-one coaching, 39 00:03:54.620 --> 00:04:00.380 because I have coaches, I have therapists, I have a whole gamut of community that supports me. 40 00:04:00.940 --> 00:04:08.060 And so don't ever be hesitant for that in your own personal life, um, to get the community you 41 00:04:08.060 --> 00:04:14.540 need to get you healthy, to do life and do it well in every area of your life. Now I know lots 42 00:04:14.540 --> 00:04:21.260 of people who have career coaches, like it is, it is a great thing. So with all that being said, 43 00:04:21.260 --> 00:04:25.100 I'm going to pray. Father God, I thank you for every one of these ladies. I thank you for the 44 00:04:25.100 --> 00:04:31.660 love story, um, that you have written on their behalf. I thank you that you have goodness in 45 00:04:31.660 --> 00:04:36.780 store for them. I thank you, Lord God, that you want to give them the very best in life. And it 46 00:04:36.780 --> 00:04:42.060 does not stop at marriage, but it comes in the most, in the greatest, on the grandest scale, 47 00:04:42.060 --> 00:04:46.700 is them being whole and complete, lacking no good thing because Christ Jesus paid for that. 48 00:04:46.700 --> 00:04:52.300 And so I thank you, Lord God, that marriage isn't the goal. The assignment is you and them, 49 00:04:52.300 --> 00:04:56.140 and under the assignment, all these things shall be added. For the Bible says, 50 00:04:56.140 --> 00:04:59.900 seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and his righteousness, that all these things shall 51 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.840 be added that's not it might be added that mean it's not it maybe not for me 52 00:05:04.840 --> 00:05:09.480 all these things shall be added it is a guarantee and so I declare over every 53 00:05:09.480 --> 00:05:13.960 one of these ladies all of these things are being added unto them in Jesus name 54 00:05:13.960 --> 00:05:18.840 it comes with the covenant just a quick reminder with Jesus it comes in his 55 00:05:18.840 --> 00:05:23.720 covenant amen so you know the Bible says let the 56 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:28.560 redeemed of the Lord say so you actually say so I said all of those who have 57 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:32.920 covenant with Jesus Christ say so because in the covenant all of these 58 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:37.800 things are added unto you and so anytime some thought comes to wrestle with you 59 00:05:37.800 --> 00:05:43.360 about what is to be added unto you you remind your own soul about the covenant 60 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:46.800 you have with Jesus and the scripture that says all these things shall be 61 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:53.080 added timing does not determine covenant fulfillment let's just ask Abraham about 62 00:05:53.080 --> 00:05:57.240 it the Bible says that he had considered himself dead in his body and Sarah was 63 00:05:57.240 --> 00:06:00.520 well past her childbearing years but the Lord had given him a promise of a 64 00:06:00.520 --> 00:06:06.840 son now I can actually see my marriage happening more likely than a son if any 65 00:06:06.840 --> 00:06:10.400 of you guys want to think about the way that we have been programmed about the 66 00:06:10.400 --> 00:06:13.400 woman's body and what it can produce and when it can't do they're pretty much 67 00:06:13.400 --> 00:06:17.760 that you know we have to renew our minds in Jesus to get with the kingdom way we 68 00:06:17.760 --> 00:06:21.120 forget we're in a new kingdom and in our kingdom it don't get done that way but 69 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:24.440 I'm telling you about our kingdom right now and our kingdom when somebody 70 00:06:24.440 --> 00:06:28.480 considers themselves dead in their body and a woman is past her childbearing 71 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:32.280 years the covenant that they have with their God would declare a thing in it 72 00:06:32.280 --> 00:06:36.960 shall be and we see it all throughout scripture and so I just want you to 73 00:06:36.960 --> 00:06:44.120 remember that you're in covenant you have a covenant-keeping God and he said 74 00:06:44.120 --> 00:06:49.320 that all these things shall be added unto you and so that tells me that 75 00:06:49.320 --> 00:06:54.960 there's a time and a season for all things under the heaven and my time 76 00:06:54.960 --> 00:07:00.360 Ecclesiastes says time and chance happens to us all and I am telling you 77 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:05.000 that time and chance will happen to you as well it has to be why not because I 78 00:07:05.000 --> 00:07:08.960 said it not because if the program produces it it's because you have a 79 00:07:08.960 --> 00:07:16.360 covenant and I will bank on the covenant all right the Bible says that one more 80 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:21.600 thing just have be your faith that God honors his word above his own name he 81 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:26.880 honors his word above his own a bell Elohim he honors his name that's the guy 82 00:07:26.880 --> 00:07:31.320 who created all things he honors his word the Bible says that the grass 83 00:07:31.320 --> 00:07:36.600 wither and the flower faded but the Word of God will endure forever heaven and 84 00:07:36.600 --> 00:07:39.800 earth will pass away everything you see my past but his word will endure for 85 00:07:39.800 --> 00:07:43.280 everything you'll get a husband before heaven and earth passed away we are 86 00:07:43.280 --> 00:07:50.040 banking on that all right so anyway so I hope that build your faith it's 87 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:53.720 important that when we get together as a community we do a little bit of faith 88 00:07:53.720 --> 00:07:57.560 building because you probably don't get it everywhere around you a lot of times 89 00:07:57.560 --> 00:08:01.720 you're just busy trying to encourage yourself and so for this hour and a half 90 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:05.800 I'm gonna be the one to encourage you I'm gonna build you up you don't have to 91 00:08:05.800 --> 00:08:08.960 look for the faith I'm gonna give it to you by the time I get through juicing 92 00:08:08.960 --> 00:08:12.320 you up you're gonna be good to go until I see you Tuesday but I pray it takes 93 00:08:12.320 --> 00:08:15.520 longer than season but if it don't you come back I'm gonna get you some more 94 00:08:15.520 --> 00:08:24.000 okay all right so um tonight tonight did I miss anything tonight we're talking 95 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:29.400 about something that is really good I don't think I have these notes in order 96 00:08:29.400 --> 00:08:34.320 but I will work it out as we go along one of the things that Carla made note 97 00:08:34.320 --> 00:08:41.640 of and I want to also make note of is the fact that you ladies have been doing 98 00:08:41.640 --> 00:08:45.480 such a good job um you've been working through some hard things I don't know if 99 00:08:45.480 --> 00:08:48.600 you ladies have been checking out other people's posts or if you have time to do 100 00:08:48.600 --> 00:08:52.520 that but I've seen some ladies in this community work through some really hard 101 00:08:52.520 --> 00:08:57.040 things I've seen what what is most pleasing and I want you to hear this 102 00:08:57.040 --> 00:09:02.640 especially if it's you I've seen women stick it out just stick it out and see 103 00:09:02.640 --> 00:09:07.120 what's gonna happen and this is this is a this is a testament to the heavens 104 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:11.880 because most of the time because of the certainty that we desire or the fear 105 00:09:11.880 --> 00:09:15.760 that we have we'll just rather walk away from it at the beginning and not even 106 00:09:15.760 --> 00:09:20.400 deal with it but I've watched you ladies power through stick it out there to be a 107 00:09:20.400 --> 00:09:26.160 yes until it's a no and that is a really big feat I tell many people all the time 108 00:09:26.160 --> 00:09:33.720 that dating is a skill it does not come natural it doesn't come natural because 109 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:41.560 the culture has has cultivated the way we do dating and so um and there are a 110 00:09:41.560 --> 00:09:44.520 lot of missing pieces you don't learn boundaries when you're growing up most 111 00:09:44.520 --> 00:09:47.640 of the time so all these different things most people show up with all 112 00:09:47.640 --> 00:09:52.080 people show up with some wounds in their souls and so dating becomes a skill and 113 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:55.040 it becomes a skill you have to learn you didn't most people didn't have their mom 114 00:09:55.040 --> 00:09:58.400 and dad sit them down at a certain age and say let me teach you about dating 115 00:09:58.400 --> 00:10:01.520 right 116 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.200 So now you're at the right age that you're at and you're learning how to date. 117 00:10:05.400 --> 00:10:08.280 And it's so easy in any area of your life 118 00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:12.280 to go with how you feel instead of the order of a thing. 119 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:17.760 It is challenging to submit yourself under an order if you've never had to do it. 120 00:10:17.960 --> 00:10:20.280 And when feelings get involved and feelings 121 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:23.840 feel good, it gets even more challenging. 122 00:10:24.040 --> 00:10:25.560 So what happens at that point, 123 00:10:25.760 --> 00:10:28.480 when you get to that juncture where the feelings feel so good, 124 00:10:28.600 --> 00:10:31.280 you have to actually create laws on the inside of you. 125 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:34.240 This is what you will and what you will not do. 126 00:10:34.440 --> 00:10:38.120 Because those laws or those boundaries or those guardrails are going to be 127 00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:41.800 the things that keep you when you don't want to keep yourself. 128 00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:44.400 You see, are you following me? 129 00:10:44.600 --> 00:10:49.400 And so you say to yourself, I have to guard my heart with all diligence. 130 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:51.640 And so I want you to measure out enough 131 00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:55.360 time that I better guard my heart really good for at least two months. 132 00:10:55.400 --> 00:10:59.040 And you slip out the two months a little bit, but at least for two months, 133 00:10:59.040 --> 00:11:02.120 because if you do it well for two months, you'll get to see more than you would 134 00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:05.160 have thought if you didn't do it in a week or two weeks. 135 00:11:05.360 --> 00:11:06.560 Two weeks is not enough. 136 00:11:06.560 --> 00:11:08.880 It's just enough to get your heart broke and your feelings hurt. 137 00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:10.520 And all y'all know it already. 138 00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:13.480 You talk to somebody, you focus with the one you put a certain down. 139 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:14.880 But if you put the money down on it, 140 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:17.880 you say this is a guarantee and in two weeks it all fell apart. 141 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:20.560 I don't know how something can fall apart so quickly. 142 00:11:20.760 --> 00:11:23.040 It must be an anointing on our program 143 00:11:23.160 --> 00:11:28.560 to get you ladies out of this stuff quickly, because I have 144 00:11:28.760 --> 00:11:33.080 started out the race and be like, OK, y'all say they check in the boxes. 145 00:11:33.280 --> 00:11:34.480 They check in the boxes. 146 00:11:34.680 --> 00:11:37.320 If they check a box, we put it down. 147 00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:38.280 We write it in the book. 148 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:41.520 In the end of two weeks, you're like, what happened? 149 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:43.960 It's like you've been through a whirlwind. 150 00:11:44.160 --> 00:11:47.400 We want to stop those whirlwinds, right? 151 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:51.040 And this is all tying into what we're talking about tonight. 152 00:11:51.240 --> 00:11:57.040 And tonight we're going to talk about hope and discernment. 153 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:00.600 And they definitely are two different things. 154 00:12:00.800 --> 00:12:02.560 Sometimes we mesh them together, 155 00:12:02.760 --> 00:12:08.040 and so we want to go through and just separate them, hope from discernment. 156 00:12:08.240 --> 00:12:14.720 Hope means in this situation, hope will be keeping your heart open. 157 00:12:16.120 --> 00:12:18.360 And keeping your heart open and actually 158 00:12:18.360 --> 00:12:24.720 going through the process can seem really challenging if you don't have discernment. 159 00:12:25.760 --> 00:12:27.400 Hope keeps my heart open, 160 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.160 discernment keeps me guarded as I keep my heart open. 161 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:36.600 And so that means I also would like in discernment and to guardrails. 162 00:12:36.800 --> 00:12:43.280 Order and structure, you do well to operate in wisdom so that you can stay hopeful, 163 00:12:43.480 --> 00:12:47.800 because when you don't do that, your heart gets stepped on. 164 00:12:48.040 --> 00:12:49.200 And that hurts. 165 00:12:49.400 --> 00:12:50.600 And guess what? 166 00:12:50.800 --> 00:12:53.960 The next person you talk to is going to be really hard to be hopeful. 167 00:12:54.160 --> 00:12:57.560 And the next person you talk to is going to be even more hard to be hopeful. 168 00:12:57.560 --> 00:12:58.760 Like it don't work like that. 169 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:03.760 You ain't about to just blossom like a flower and be hopeful all over again. 170 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:06.160 And so that's why you get tired with the dating. 171 00:13:06.360 --> 00:13:07.720 It's like I came in hopeful. 172 00:13:07.920 --> 00:13:09.800 I'm so excited, but forget it. 173 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:10.960 It's too much. 174 00:13:11.160 --> 00:13:15.080 What you're saying is not that I'm lazy, not that I'm tired. 175 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:19.680 You're saying my heart is weary because my heart is open and I'm trying to say 176 00:13:19.880 --> 00:13:25.400 I'm trying to stay hopeful and excited and thinking this thing is going to really work. 177 00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:27.320 I'm doing it. I'm doing it. 178 00:13:27.520 --> 00:13:32.160 But after so many no, no, no, especially when it looks good, 179 00:13:32.360 --> 00:13:36.280 then no, when it looks good and it's a no or when a person says they are someone 180 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:38.720 that they're actually not right. 181 00:13:38.920 --> 00:13:41.840 So discernment tells me a person gives me 182 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:45.120 an image of who they would like to be in the same way. 183 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:48.200 A lot of us give off images of who we would like to be. 184 00:13:48.400 --> 00:13:50.640 And there are areas that we fall short in. 185 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:53.920 We have to know this to be true about ourselves. 186 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:57.360 If you will recognize that this is the truth about you, 187 00:13:57.560 --> 00:14:00.040 that you don't always show up the way you would like to. 188 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:02.440 And a lot of things you say that you want to do, 189 00:14:02.640 --> 00:14:04.640 they sometimes they are just wishful thinking. 190 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:08.400 You can expect the same thing out of the other person. 191 00:14:08.600 --> 00:14:10.040 That's discernment. 192 00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:14.320 That's knowing yourself well enough to know that you're dealing with people. 193 00:14:14.520 --> 00:14:18.040 This is just a people thing. 194 00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:23.080 Right, and then so under pressure, give it enough time, nothing, 195 00:14:23.280 --> 00:14:26.960 whatever is true is going to stay, it's going to last, it's going to stay 196 00:14:27.160 --> 00:14:30.880 and everything else is going to fall out and you're in it for the fallout. 197 00:14:30.880 --> 00:14:32.240 You're in it for the long haul. 198 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:36.160 You're in it to see it through so that even when things fall out, 199 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:37.960 you didn't put certainty on it. 200 00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:44.280 You remain curious and you can say, wow, I really wanted it to be different. 201 00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:46.800 Wow, I was really rooting for you, man. 202 00:14:47.000 --> 00:14:49.240 I was really hopeful for this. 203 00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:51.880 But you will walk away with a sting, 204 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:56.040 but you won't walk away with your heart shattered in pieces. 205 00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:57.520 And we're going for the sting. 206 00:14:57.720 --> 00:15:00.000 All right, so hope keeps my heart open. 207 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.160 Discernment keeps my eyes open. 208 00:15:02.160 --> 00:15:06.960 Uncertainty belongs to God. 209 00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:08.880 Now, you guys don't have to repeat after me on this one. 210 00:15:08.880 --> 00:15:10.700 Who does certainty belongs to? 211 00:15:12.280 --> 00:15:13.120 Who? 212 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:13.940 I ain't hear y'all. 213 00:15:13.940 --> 00:15:15.320 I don't see nobody mouth moving. 214 00:15:15.320 --> 00:15:18.340 I need some confessions happening around here. 215 00:15:18.340 --> 00:15:19.360 You ain't got to unmute. 216 00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:21.000 Let unmute and say God. 217 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:22.640 Just unmute and I'm gonna say it again 218 00:15:22.640 --> 00:15:24.560 because I need us all on one accord. 219 00:15:24.560 --> 00:15:26.880 Certainty belongs to God. 220 00:15:26.880 --> 00:15:27.720 God. 221 00:15:29.960 --> 00:15:32.760 And I know we want certainty to belong to us. 222 00:15:32.760 --> 00:15:35.520 I want certainty to belong to me. 223 00:15:35.520 --> 00:15:37.120 But certainty belongs to God. 224 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:38.400 And truth is, 225 00:15:38.400 --> 00:15:41.320 certainty shouldn't be put in our hands anyway. 226 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:43.880 If we were given certainty, we would run amok. 227 00:15:43.880 --> 00:15:45.900 I'm telling you right now. 228 00:15:45.900 --> 00:15:47.120 You could be dating somebody 229 00:15:47.120 --> 00:15:48.440 that could possibly be your spouse, 230 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:49.880 but the Lord ain't gonna tell you 231 00:15:49.880 --> 00:15:51.200 because he already know what you're gonna do. 232 00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:52.560 The same thing you do when you date. 233 00:15:52.560 --> 00:15:53.680 Ask too many questions. 234 00:15:53.680 --> 00:15:54.800 You get ahead of the speed. 235 00:15:54.800 --> 00:15:55.780 You won't take your time. 236 00:15:55.780 --> 00:15:56.620 You won't pace. 237 00:15:57.360 --> 00:15:58.200 Like I can't tell you nothing 238 00:15:58.200 --> 00:15:59.580 because you ain't gonna do right. 239 00:15:59.580 --> 00:16:02.060 Because soon as you get on the other side I do, 240 00:16:02.060 --> 00:16:04.300 and he do something that your fantasized mind 241 00:16:04.300 --> 00:16:05.140 didn't think about, 242 00:16:05.140 --> 00:16:06.560 you're gonna blame God for it. 243 00:16:06.560 --> 00:16:08.620 When you could have took the time to get to know the man 244 00:16:08.620 --> 00:16:10.140 and accept him for who he is 245 00:16:10.140 --> 00:16:11.740 and choose him where he's at 246 00:16:11.740 --> 00:16:12.580 and say, you know what? 247 00:16:12.580 --> 00:16:13.740 I see that flow in you, 248 00:16:13.740 --> 00:16:15.580 but you're worth being chosen. 249 00:16:15.580 --> 00:16:17.420 But if God said it's your husband, 250 00:16:17.420 --> 00:16:20.100 right now you're gonna start planning your wedding. 251 00:16:20.100 --> 00:16:21.380 You're gonna pick out your dress. 252 00:16:21.380 --> 00:16:23.220 You're gonna start picking out your bridesmaids. 253 00:16:23.220 --> 00:16:25.140 And if you ain't already got it wrote down, 254 00:16:25.140 --> 00:16:26.180 you're gonna call your people. 255 00:16:26.180 --> 00:16:27.020 It's over. 256 00:16:27.020 --> 00:16:29.700 Ain't no more learning about nobody. 257 00:16:29.700 --> 00:16:31.620 Everything gonna get done in your mind. 258 00:16:31.620 --> 00:16:32.460 That's it. 259 00:16:32.460 --> 00:16:33.280 The Lord said it. 260 00:16:33.280 --> 00:16:34.460 We're perfect. 261 00:16:34.460 --> 00:16:35.380 That's it. 262 00:16:35.380 --> 00:16:36.220 Right? 263 00:16:36.220 --> 00:16:37.040 So hear me. 264 00:16:37.040 --> 00:16:39.300 Certainty doesn't do well in our hands. 265 00:16:39.300 --> 00:16:40.140 I'll tell you, 266 00:16:40.140 --> 00:16:40.980 if certainty was in my hand, 267 00:16:40.980 --> 00:16:42.500 that's the end of the story. 268 00:16:42.500 --> 00:16:43.340 Look. 269 00:16:43.340 --> 00:16:44.160 Well, 270 00:16:44.160 --> 00:16:46.340 if it was in my hands, 271 00:16:46.340 --> 00:16:48.340 the one thing I would do is probably the same thing. 272 00:16:48.340 --> 00:16:50.300 Would go straight to trauma counseling. 273 00:16:51.780 --> 00:16:53.940 I believe that everybody needs trauma counseling. 274 00:16:53.940 --> 00:16:54.780 If they gonna marry me, 275 00:16:55.340 --> 00:16:56.340 they gonna have to get trauma counseling. 276 00:16:56.340 --> 00:16:58.540 So the people that show up in your marriage 277 00:16:58.540 --> 00:16:59.980 are not the adults you see. 278 00:16:59.980 --> 00:17:01.820 They're the children that are broken. 279 00:17:01.820 --> 00:17:02.660 Okay? 280 00:17:02.660 --> 00:17:04.060 We all learn the way of love. 281 00:17:04.060 --> 00:17:05.339 And if we don't get that straight, 282 00:17:05.339 --> 00:17:07.819 then I'm gonna have to be the one you practice on 283 00:17:07.819 --> 00:17:09.020 for the next 10 years. 284 00:17:09.020 --> 00:17:10.300 Aye, aye, aye. 285 00:17:10.300 --> 00:17:11.900 You know. 286 00:17:11.900 --> 00:17:12.740 We gonna practice, 287 00:17:12.740 --> 00:17:13.859 but we gonna practice with some help. 288 00:17:13.859 --> 00:17:15.060 Because it's gonna have to be done. 289 00:17:15.060 --> 00:17:16.619 Everybody learned a different way of love. 290 00:17:16.619 --> 00:17:17.660 Everybody learned, 291 00:17:17.660 --> 00:17:18.500 when you wake up, 292 00:17:18.500 --> 00:17:19.319 somebody say good morning. 293 00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:20.160 You don't say good morning. 294 00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:21.980 All these things are the nuances of marriages 295 00:17:21.980 --> 00:17:23.220 and they build you. 296 00:17:23.260 --> 00:17:24.619 And it shows if you're willing 297 00:17:24.619 --> 00:17:26.500 to stick with someone as they grow. 298 00:17:26.500 --> 00:17:27.859 And that's why when you choose, 299 00:17:27.859 --> 00:17:30.700 you choose someone that you respect 300 00:17:30.700 --> 00:17:32.780 and that you believe they're worth it. 301 00:17:33.700 --> 00:17:35.580 So that when the rubber hits the road 302 00:17:35.580 --> 00:17:37.260 and it will hit it very quickly, 303 00:17:37.260 --> 00:17:38.100 you won't say, 304 00:17:38.100 --> 00:17:39.380 I ain't signed up for all this. 305 00:17:39.380 --> 00:17:40.580 I ain't tell you when I got married 306 00:17:40.580 --> 00:17:41.860 is the first thing I told my husband. 307 00:17:41.860 --> 00:17:42.700 Wait a minute, 308 00:17:42.700 --> 00:17:43.520 I ain't signed up for this. 309 00:17:43.520 --> 00:17:44.500 And that was the truth. 310 00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:46.220 I didn't have a clue what I was signing up for 311 00:17:46.220 --> 00:17:48.380 because I lived in a fantasy. 312 00:17:48.380 --> 00:17:51.020 So certainty belongs to God. 313 00:17:51.020 --> 00:17:52.980 And who does curiosity belong to? 314 00:17:53.740 --> 00:17:54.580 Just give me a little point 315 00:17:54.580 --> 00:17:56.500 in a little backwards way. 316 00:17:56.500 --> 00:17:59.580 Curiosity belongs to me. 317 00:17:59.580 --> 00:18:00.500 All right. 318 00:18:00.500 --> 00:18:02.140 That's my partnership with the Lord. 319 00:18:02.140 --> 00:18:04.460 Curiosity and his certainty 320 00:18:04.460 --> 00:18:07.940 and trusting that he always does what's best for me. 321 00:18:07.940 --> 00:18:09.760 I cannot see this man 322 00:18:09.760 --> 00:18:11.880 more than the time that he's in front of me. 323 00:18:11.880 --> 00:18:13.580 I won't see what it's like in three years, 324 00:18:13.580 --> 00:18:15.140 five years, or 10 years, 325 00:18:15.140 --> 00:18:16.100 or 20 years. 326 00:18:16.100 --> 00:18:17.900 I can only see today. 327 00:18:17.900 --> 00:18:20.220 And I don't do well to make a judgment call 328 00:18:20.220 --> 00:18:21.420 out of today, 329 00:18:21.420 --> 00:18:22.740 out of his job, 330 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:24.320 out of his family, 331 00:18:24.320 --> 00:18:25.140 out of his money, 332 00:18:25.140 --> 00:18:26.660 out of his kindness. 333 00:18:27.820 --> 00:18:29.380 There are things that happen in life 334 00:18:29.380 --> 00:18:31.260 where people change and morph 335 00:18:31.260 --> 00:18:32.460 and you never know what's coming 336 00:18:32.460 --> 00:18:34.460 and the same goes for you. 337 00:18:34.460 --> 00:18:35.580 It's just the way it is. 338 00:18:35.580 --> 00:18:37.060 Okay? 339 00:18:37.060 --> 00:18:38.460 So a lot of times what we do is 340 00:18:38.460 --> 00:18:41.020 unknowingly we place hope and discernment 341 00:18:41.020 --> 00:18:43.500 on opposite sides of the room. 342 00:18:43.500 --> 00:18:45.300 So we believe that if we're hopeful, 343 00:18:45.300 --> 00:18:46.840 we don't have to use discernment. 344 00:18:46.840 --> 00:18:47.940 I'm gonna give you, 345 00:18:47.940 --> 00:18:49.060 you're talking to somebody, 346 00:18:49.060 --> 00:18:50.660 your heart is open and you're hopeful. 347 00:18:50.660 --> 00:18:52.180 And they start doing some things 348 00:18:52.620 --> 00:18:53.460 that are a little bit, 349 00:18:53.460 --> 00:18:54.300 you know, like, 350 00:18:55.220 --> 00:18:56.740 did he just say that? 351 00:18:56.740 --> 00:18:57.980 Did I just hear that? 352 00:18:59.580 --> 00:19:00.420 Did, 353 00:19:01.580 --> 00:19:03.200 did he say he wanted us to do that? 354 00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:04.860 Well, I'm gonna stay hopeful. 355 00:19:04.860 --> 00:19:06.700 I'm just gonna leave it alone. 356 00:19:06.700 --> 00:19:08.180 I'm not gonna worry about it. 357 00:19:08.180 --> 00:19:10.380 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 358 00:19:10.380 --> 00:19:11.780 You can stay hopeful 359 00:19:11.780 --> 00:19:13.260 in operating discernment 360 00:19:13.260 --> 00:19:15.100 and we don't want them on the other side of the room. 361 00:19:15.100 --> 00:19:17.140 We want them to marry each other 362 00:19:17.140 --> 00:19:18.660 because hope, 363 00:19:18.660 --> 00:19:20.620 being hopeful in discernment, 364 00:19:20.660 --> 00:19:22.300 being married together 365 00:19:22.300 --> 00:19:25.100 gives you the greatest outcome for you. 366 00:19:26.140 --> 00:19:28.900 Hope and discernment, right? 367 00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:29.740 I get in my car, 368 00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:31.220 hope is not an accident on the road, 369 00:19:31.220 --> 00:19:33.460 but discernment tells me to put my GPS on 370 00:19:33.460 --> 00:19:34.460 cause I live in Texas 371 00:19:34.460 --> 00:19:37.300 and there's almost always an accident on I-35. 372 00:19:37.300 --> 00:19:39.500 And so I wanna put on my GPS 373 00:19:39.500 --> 00:19:41.540 so I can spot out where the traffic is, 374 00:19:41.540 --> 00:19:43.100 where the accidents are 375 00:19:43.100 --> 00:19:44.860 so I can know which way to go. 376 00:19:44.860 --> 00:19:46.680 And that's how I want you guys to do 377 00:19:46.680 --> 00:19:48.460 even in dating, okay? 378 00:19:48.460 --> 00:19:50.820 And so when I'm hopeful, 379 00:19:50.820 --> 00:19:55.300 sometimes you may be overlooking some things. 380 00:19:56.620 --> 00:19:59.500 And sometimes if we lean more to, 381 00:19:59.500 --> 00:20:00.340 now let me say. 382 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:07.000 Sorry, they jumbled it up. If you lean more towards discernment and don't have any hope everything is a red flag 383 00:20:09.360 --> 00:20:10.320 Like 384 00:20:10.320 --> 00:20:14.800 So I've read I've read some of the darndest things I heard something just like yeah 385 00:20:14.800 --> 00:20:17.520 He said they don't go to the dentist that much. Is that a red flag? 386 00:20:20.320 --> 00:20:26.880 That's like you go too deep into trying to discern something that is nothing there and I picked a silly one 387 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:31.360 So it wouldn't if it was something you actually did you wouldn't feel some kind of way about it, you know 388 00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:35.140 But you start going too too deep into things that are necessary 389 00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:40.800 Or what you do is you call it discernment you learn something about a person in the first week 390 00:20:41.280 --> 00:20:45.440 And then you start mapping out the future. So you need him to fix this right now 391 00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:49.840 Why you gotta fix it right now, he don't even know you 392 00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:54.240 You know why you want him to fix it right now. You want me to tell you why you want him to do it? 393 00:20:54.800 --> 00:20:57.220 Because you you're thinking about marriage 394 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:01.700 And when you do that, I want you to catch yourself 395 00:21:03.120 --> 00:21:07.360 When you see something in a person and you've only been doing it for two days or three days 396 00:21:07.360 --> 00:21:10.560 You've asked four million questions. You're too emotionally involved 397 00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:14.880 You don't have the infrastructure to sustain it and you begin to say well, they need to fix that 398 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:18.800 You need to do this and you need to do that. That's what stopped me from doing it 399 00:21:18.800 --> 00:21:23.280 Y'all jacket always coached us not to do that, but I still did it. I'm like look 400 00:21:23.840 --> 00:21:28.640 I need to know I need to know what i'm doing. I need to get myself into I need to know for me 401 00:21:29.040 --> 00:21:31.040 And I tell men now 402 00:21:31.760 --> 00:21:36.640 They be saying ask me anything. I'm saying you don't want you don't want me to know anything. I will judge you 403 00:21:37.520 --> 00:21:40.640 I don't want to know. I don't want to know about your past relationship 404 00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:43.920 I don't want to know anything, but how we finna have fun on this date 405 00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:48.480 That's all if any wants to know because I will I know me 406 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:54.400 I will jump ahead and you gotta learn yourself and learn yourself enough to know you 407 00:21:54.800 --> 00:21:59.440 And what you will do because in doing that you could sabotage a wonderful thing 408 00:21:59.760 --> 00:22:05.300 Based on if they told you yeah when I was married, I I have committed infidelity 409 00:22:06.560 --> 00:22:12.240 And and you'll be like, okay, so your mind is saying maybe it's just one time. It's okay, you know people make this day 410 00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:14.640 but if they say 411 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:16.640 They did it for two years 412 00:22:16.640 --> 00:22:18.640 They kept oh 413 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:23.840 Who already know y'all finna be out the door who gonna be out the door y'all gonna be I ain't know 414 00:22:24.080 --> 00:22:29.200 Kevin, well 20 years ago you date cheat on your wife for two years. It's over 415 00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:32.000 I won't be your next victim 416 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:34.160 so 417 00:22:34.320 --> 00:22:38.800 And that's the thing the man could have been gave it like I don't know, you know 418 00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:42.800 All sorts of things could have been happening. He didn't get all you know is that you don't know 419 00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:44.640 Nothing makes it right 420 00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:49.920 But you don't know what happened why it happened who he was when it happened how he's reformed what he's done 421 00:22:50.000 --> 00:22:53.440 How he's changed you don't know anything and i'm not saying stick around 422 00:22:53.520 --> 00:22:59.360 I'm, just telling you that kind of information is too weighty for you in first getting to know a person 423 00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:01.680 Because you're not going to get to know 424 00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:03.680 You're going to make a decision about him 425 00:23:03.760 --> 00:23:05.760 That's called a judgment. That's what I mean 426 00:23:05.840 --> 00:23:08.000 So when I said I just y'all was gonna be like what? 427 00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:14.800 I will judge a man because everything in me if that touches on my past hurt and pain it's gonna start 428 00:23:15.840 --> 00:23:19.520 My my I feel my nervous system rising up. It's like oh 429 00:23:20.240 --> 00:23:21.520 Wait a minute 430 00:23:21.520 --> 00:23:23.200 and then I start thinking stuff like 431 00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:25.200 You better walk away because if he do it to you 432 00:23:25.520 --> 00:23:27.760 It ain't gonna be like he didn't tell you he did it before right? 433 00:23:30.080 --> 00:23:33.600 And so I had to learn to stop and I tell people all the time I don't want to know 434 00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:38.400 I don't want to know nothing. I just want to get to know you as a person if we make it that far 435 00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:43.200 We'll talk about those things later on. I'm not afraid that i'm about to fall in love with you 436 00:23:43.280 --> 00:23:45.920 I don't i'm not gonna fall in love with you. I choose love 437 00:23:47.520 --> 00:23:50.480 Okay, we're not falling in love ladies we're gonna choose love 438 00:23:51.760 --> 00:23:52.800 you're gonna 439 00:23:52.800 --> 00:23:56.000 Take your skills what you know and i'm gonna get back to the thing 440 00:23:56.240 --> 00:24:01.360 You're gonna take your skills and what you know, and you're gonna learn how to choose people to love 441 00:24:02.080 --> 00:24:07.840 Because choosing love is the same thing you desire you desire that a man looks at you and choose you 442 00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:14.400 The one thing that irritated me was that when men would pick me as a role 443 00:24:15.120 --> 00:24:18.800 I prayed for wife and now wife would come along and that bothers me 444 00:24:19.520 --> 00:24:22.720 Because you for me that means you're choosing me as a role 445 00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:29.680 I need you to get to know me so that when me shows up you won't be saying what is this about? 446 00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:35.040 Because I make it my business to show myself when i'm dating someone 447 00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:37.520 ups down high lows 448 00:24:37.520 --> 00:24:38.640 I don't care what it is 449 00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:44.320 I am intentional on doing that because I want them to be comfortable being themselves. And so what i'm saying is 450 00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:49.600 I have learned to choose love and when you choose love 451 00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:53.940 Choosing love doesn't happen because it's all flowers and butterflies 452 00:24:53.940 --> 00:24:59.960 It means i've taken enough time to get to know you and the good outweigh the bad 453 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:01.240 Okay. 454 00:25:01.240 --> 00:25:03.040 Even in areas where you've fallen short, 455 00:25:03.040 --> 00:25:05.840 I understand that you're teachable. 456 00:25:05.840 --> 00:25:08.200 I understand that you carry wisdom. 457 00:25:08.200 --> 00:25:10.760 I understand that you're integrious. 458 00:25:10.760 --> 00:25:12.760 I understand these things about you now. 459 00:25:12.760 --> 00:25:14.720 And so those flaws or those things, 460 00:25:14.720 --> 00:25:16.780 they're just you being, that's human. 461 00:25:16.780 --> 00:25:19.700 And you can grow like I can grow, okay? 462 00:25:19.700 --> 00:25:22.880 All right, so we know that hope and discernment 463 00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:24.600 based on what I just said are never, 464 00:25:24.600 --> 00:25:27.580 they were never assigned to compete with each other. 465 00:25:27.580 --> 00:25:29.320 You don't have to have one and not the other. 466 00:25:29.320 --> 00:25:30.340 You wanna have both. 467 00:25:30.340 --> 00:25:31.740 You want them to marry each other 468 00:25:31.740 --> 00:25:35.600 and you want them to be like a shield in your hand, right? 469 00:25:35.600 --> 00:25:37.460 That discernment is kind of like the shield 470 00:25:37.460 --> 00:25:40.660 that guards your heart as you keep your heart open. 471 00:25:40.660 --> 00:25:42.100 But if you remove that shield, 472 00:25:42.100 --> 00:25:43.780 your heart is not gonna be able to stay open. 473 00:25:43.780 --> 00:25:46.460 If you have it open, it's gonna catch a lot of arrows 474 00:25:46.460 --> 00:25:48.420 because I'm telling you, if you don't know this, 475 00:25:48.420 --> 00:25:51.920 your first day in phase two, dating is a skill. 476 00:25:51.920 --> 00:25:54.340 And there are gonna be dates that you go on, 477 00:25:54.340 --> 00:25:57.460 even in the beginning, and I'm gonna say this, 478 00:25:57.480 --> 00:25:59.800 I caution against every time you talk to a person, 479 00:25:59.800 --> 00:26:02.560 you hear that thought in your mind, say, is he the one? 480 00:26:02.560 --> 00:26:03.520 Is he the one? 481 00:26:03.520 --> 00:26:04.560 Is he the one? 482 00:26:04.560 --> 00:26:09.560 That thought sets you up for a little bit of a heartbreak. 483 00:26:09.840 --> 00:26:10.680 Why? 484 00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:15.200 Because you've already engaged in this wishful thinking, 485 00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:16.300 like, is it it? 486 00:26:16.300 --> 00:26:17.140 This is it? 487 00:26:17.140 --> 00:26:18.520 And so when you're talking to him, 488 00:26:18.520 --> 00:26:20.920 you're evaluating him as if this is it. 489 00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:25.640 You're putting expectations on him as if he was the one 490 00:26:25.660 --> 00:26:28.660 because you've already started out that way. 491 00:26:28.660 --> 00:26:31.020 And so we don't lead with the expectation 492 00:26:31.020 --> 00:26:33.580 of if this person is the one. 493 00:26:34.580 --> 00:26:36.340 Because when your heart is open, 494 00:26:36.340 --> 00:26:38.100 there's a dangerous way to lead. 495 00:26:38.980 --> 00:26:41.380 It always comes back on you. 496 00:26:41.380 --> 00:26:43.380 And so if you don't lead that way, 497 00:26:43.380 --> 00:26:45.340 when you hear your mind say that, 498 00:26:45.340 --> 00:26:47.700 I want you to say, even if he's the one, 499 00:26:47.700 --> 00:26:50.260 I'm gonna take my time and get to know him. 500 00:26:50.260 --> 00:26:53.700 Because if you've been believing God for a very long time, 501 00:26:53.700 --> 00:26:56.480 this is already, this a pathway in your brain. 502 00:26:58.000 --> 00:26:58.960 Do you see? 503 00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:00.220 It's a pathway. 504 00:27:00.220 --> 00:27:03.120 So don't beat yourself up because you can't get rid of it. 505 00:27:03.120 --> 00:27:05.520 What you do is because it's a pathway in your brain 506 00:27:05.520 --> 00:27:07.320 and you know that your mind renews, 507 00:27:07.320 --> 00:27:08.720 you renew your mind daily 508 00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:10.960 so that you can create new pathways in your brain. 509 00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:12.780 What you're gonna do is when you say it, 510 00:27:12.780 --> 00:27:14.080 when you hear your brain say it, 511 00:27:14.080 --> 00:27:16.720 because your brain is used to saying it, 512 00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:20.760 you're gonna say, yeah, even if he is my husband, 513 00:27:20.760 --> 00:27:22.920 I'm gonna take my time and get to know him. 514 00:27:23.760 --> 00:27:26.280 Even if he checks all my boxes, 515 00:27:26.280 --> 00:27:29.040 I'm gonna take my time and be a fruit inspector. 516 00:27:29.040 --> 00:27:31.700 Even if we could have cute babies together, 517 00:27:31.700 --> 00:27:32.760 we're not gonna talk about it 518 00:27:32.760 --> 00:27:34.960 after we go exclusive in 90 days. 519 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:37.280 Even if he can move and I can move, 520 00:27:37.280 --> 00:27:38.840 I'm still gonna pace myself 521 00:27:39.960 --> 00:27:42.160 because I have the responsibility 522 00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:45.000 of guarding my heart without diligence. 523 00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:46.880 And if this falls apart, 524 00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:49.140 the collateral damage is gonna fall on me. 525 00:27:50.200 --> 00:27:51.400 And I'm not in that business. 526 00:27:51.400 --> 00:27:52.440 Do you understand what I'm saying? 527 00:27:52.440 --> 00:27:54.060 You're gonna be the collateral damage 528 00:27:54.060 --> 00:27:55.340 and that's not what you want. 529 00:27:55.340 --> 00:27:58.260 All right, so we wanna keep discernment like a shield 530 00:27:58.260 --> 00:28:01.760 so it can guard our heart as we keep it open. 531 00:28:01.760 --> 00:28:06.760 And we know that hope is not wishful thinking. 532 00:28:08.540 --> 00:28:09.860 That's right, even if. 533 00:28:09.860 --> 00:28:12.100 Hope is not wishful thinking. 534 00:28:12.100 --> 00:28:14.740 The one of the things that I say this as often as I need to, 535 00:28:14.740 --> 00:28:16.540 because I have to remind myself of this 536 00:28:16.540 --> 00:28:18.180 and you need to be reminded of it. 537 00:28:18.180 --> 00:28:19.860 When you partner with God on something, 538 00:28:19.860 --> 00:28:21.620 you're actually on a faith journey. 539 00:28:23.300 --> 00:28:26.180 So he's gonna take an opportunity to restore 540 00:28:26.180 --> 00:28:29.540 and build all the things in you that are necessary 541 00:28:29.540 --> 00:28:32.000 to get you to the promise. 542 00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:34.500 The children of Israel didn't just wander in the wilderness 543 00:28:34.500 --> 00:28:36.620 for all those years just because, 544 00:28:36.620 --> 00:28:39.520 first of all, they came out of slavery. 545 00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:40.900 Let me tell you about that. 546 00:28:40.900 --> 00:28:43.200 They had been in slavery for 400 years. 547 00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:44.860 That means even if they, 548 00:28:44.860 --> 00:28:47.140 hundreds of years before they were warriors, 549 00:28:47.140 --> 00:28:48.540 they were no more warriors. 550 00:28:48.540 --> 00:28:50.420 They didn't know how to war anymore. 551 00:28:50.420 --> 00:28:52.300 They were 400 years in slavery. 552 00:28:53.040 --> 00:28:54.200 They had lost the skill of warring. 553 00:28:54.200 --> 00:28:55.880 When they went into the promised land, 554 00:28:55.880 --> 00:28:57.600 they had to take out the giants 555 00:28:57.600 --> 00:28:59.480 that were living in their land. 556 00:28:59.480 --> 00:29:00.880 Even when they were in the wilderness, 557 00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:04.400 they had to take down some people to take that territory. 558 00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:05.800 So that means in the wilderness, 559 00:29:05.800 --> 00:29:08.500 they had to be trained on how to be soldiers. 560 00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:12.340 They were used to working hard, 561 00:29:12.340 --> 00:29:14.160 getting their food given to them. 562 00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:15.720 Now they're out in the wilderness. 563 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:17.240 The Lord was performing miracles. 564 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:18.740 They weren't used to no miracle. 565 00:29:18.740 --> 00:29:21.080 They weren't used to no food coming out the sky. 566 00:29:21.100 --> 00:29:22.620 They weren't used to this kind of stuff. 567 00:29:22.620 --> 00:29:24.620 They weren't used to being given their food. 568 00:29:24.620 --> 00:29:25.960 That's what you're in right now. 569 00:29:25.960 --> 00:29:27.020 You're on a journey. 570 00:29:27.020 --> 00:29:28.500 You weren't used to someone sitting, 571 00:29:28.500 --> 00:29:30.220 teaching you and giving you a video 572 00:29:30.220 --> 00:29:31.500 and telling you how you do this 573 00:29:31.500 --> 00:29:33.340 and giving you a new skill set 574 00:29:33.340 --> 00:29:35.820 and telling you how to override your own thoughts 575 00:29:35.820 --> 00:29:37.640 that you've had for 20 years. 576 00:29:39.500 --> 00:29:41.100 You're not used to practicing a skill 577 00:29:41.100 --> 00:29:42.660 when you sit down and talk with a man 578 00:29:42.660 --> 00:29:44.140 and everything in your body saying, 579 00:29:44.140 --> 00:29:46.220 let's go for it, he the one. 580 00:29:46.220 --> 00:29:47.540 Oh, just rub my hand. 581 00:29:47.540 --> 00:29:48.740 I want to hold hands. 582 00:29:48.740 --> 00:29:51.020 You want to play out every movie that you seen. 583 00:29:51.840 --> 00:29:52.680 You're not wrong for that. 584 00:29:52.680 --> 00:29:53.880 There's nothing wrong for you wanting romance. 585 00:29:53.880 --> 00:29:55.040 There's nothing wrong with you wanting 586 00:29:55.040 --> 00:29:56.560 some skin to skin touch. 587 00:29:56.560 --> 00:29:57.920 That is human. 588 00:29:59.000 --> 00:30:00.200 Just like it's natural. 589 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.120 But when a man see a woman and he's dating her, 590 00:30:02.120 --> 00:30:03.760 he wants to kiss you. 591 00:30:03.760 --> 00:30:05.640 So when he asks you to kiss him, I 592 00:30:05.640 --> 00:30:08.160 want you to know it's natural to him. 593 00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:11.560 Man says, pretty woman, I want to kiss her. 594 00:30:11.560 --> 00:30:13.280 That's just how it works. 595 00:30:13.280 --> 00:30:14.780 That's what a man says. 596 00:30:14.780 --> 00:30:16.480 Pretty woman, pretty woman, pretty woman, 597 00:30:16.480 --> 00:30:18.560 I want to kiss her. 598 00:30:18.560 --> 00:30:20.320 And so then when he tries to kiss you, 599 00:30:20.320 --> 00:30:23.000 you have to already be prepared to say, hey, I don't do that. 600 00:30:23.000 --> 00:30:24.440 And don't say, can't you believe? 601 00:30:24.440 --> 00:30:27.320 I can't believe. 602 00:30:27.320 --> 00:30:29.680 Even boys who are high school boys, 603 00:30:29.680 --> 00:30:31.280 when they date a girl, they can't 604 00:30:31.280 --> 00:30:33.000 wait till they kiss them. 605 00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:36.360 It's something about a man or boy kissing. 606 00:30:36.360 --> 00:30:37.840 And they haven't learned that, listen, 607 00:30:37.840 --> 00:30:39.360 you don't kiss people you don't know. 608 00:30:39.360 --> 00:30:42.960 But I'm here to tell you, you don't kiss me. 609 00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:43.520 Right? 610 00:30:43.520 --> 00:30:46.880 And so all I'm saying is so they want a journey 611 00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:48.000 to go to their promise. 612 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:51.320 And what the Lord has to do as we're headed to the promise, 613 00:30:51.320 --> 00:30:54.040 he equips us along the way. 614 00:30:54.040 --> 00:30:56.720 It doesn't mean that we're not going to get to the promise. 615 00:30:56.720 --> 00:30:59.080 It just means you can't get there like that. 616 00:30:59.080 --> 00:31:01.680 Because if you get to your promise land 617 00:31:01.680 --> 00:31:04.120 and you're not equipped or prepared, 618 00:31:04.120 --> 00:31:07.240 you don't do your hard work, you don't put yourself 619 00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:09.760 under boundaries, you don't submit to order, 620 00:31:09.760 --> 00:31:11.480 when you get into your promise land, 621 00:31:11.480 --> 00:31:13.920 the giants that wait for you in marriage 622 00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:18.720 are going to kick your butt and you're going to be divorced. 623 00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:20.480 Ask somebody who knows. 624 00:31:20.480 --> 00:31:21.000 I know. 625 00:31:24.040 --> 00:31:26.240 Most of the time, when you're divorced, 626 00:31:26.240 --> 00:31:28.480 you're not equipped to handle what's in front of you. 627 00:31:28.480 --> 00:31:31.320 You didn't even know that was coming for you. 628 00:31:31.320 --> 00:31:33.360 And so I want to hang out right here for a minute 629 00:31:33.360 --> 00:31:34.800 because that's a really good word. 630 00:31:34.800 --> 00:31:37.760 And I believe this is a Holy Spirit-inspired word for you. 631 00:31:37.760 --> 00:31:40.080 That we're headed to the promise. 632 00:31:40.080 --> 00:31:42.080 And as you're being equipped, don't 633 00:31:42.080 --> 00:31:45.000 think that something God is holding something back from you. 634 00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:48.560 He has to prepare you for the promise. 635 00:31:48.560 --> 00:31:50.760 Or trust me, the giants in the land 636 00:31:50.760 --> 00:31:53.920 will take you out because they're there. 637 00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:54.640 Why? 638 00:31:54.640 --> 00:31:57.160 Because it's a promise from the Lord. 639 00:31:57.160 --> 00:31:58.840 Marriage is a covenant thing. 640 00:31:58.840 --> 00:32:01.240 It's something that was given to us by God. 641 00:32:01.240 --> 00:32:04.600 The enemy opposes it. 642 00:32:04.600 --> 00:32:07.400 And they're not even just the natural part of two people 643 00:32:07.400 --> 00:32:08.800 getting along forever. 644 00:32:08.800 --> 00:32:10.400 They ain't even getting along forever, 645 00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:11.600 but trying to live together. 646 00:32:11.600 --> 00:32:14.800 Sometimes you don't even want to be around yourself. 647 00:32:14.800 --> 00:32:15.320 See? 648 00:32:15.320 --> 00:32:16.040 Yeah, see? 649 00:32:16.040 --> 00:32:17.560 So that's the thing. 650 00:32:17.560 --> 00:32:18.960 So hold on to that. 651 00:32:18.960 --> 00:32:23.040 I want you guys to see this as equipping and not a slowdown 652 00:32:23.040 --> 00:32:24.840 or what's taking so long. 653 00:32:24.840 --> 00:32:27.840 I often tell the Lord, I say, well, what else you want to do? 654 00:32:27.840 --> 00:32:29.640 Clearly, there's something you're working on 655 00:32:29.640 --> 00:32:31.040 that I don't know about. 656 00:32:31.040 --> 00:32:33.080 Because I have deemed you too good 657 00:32:33.080 --> 00:32:35.360 to withhold goodness from me. 658 00:32:35.360 --> 00:32:36.880 So what is it? 659 00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:37.880 And it don't feel good. 660 00:32:37.880 --> 00:32:39.360 And I don't want to say that to him. 661 00:32:39.360 --> 00:32:42.680 I want it out like an Amazon package. 662 00:32:42.680 --> 00:32:44.720 But there's something that he wants me to learn. 663 00:32:44.720 --> 00:32:46.840 And there's some way that he wants me to grow. 664 00:32:46.840 --> 00:32:50.560 And I'd rather put my hope in that 665 00:32:50.560 --> 00:32:54.640 than to believe that I've been forsaken by my God. 666 00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:56.640 Because that doesn't feel good. 667 00:32:56.640 --> 00:32:57.680 See? 668 00:32:57.680 --> 00:32:58.360 All right. 669 00:32:58.360 --> 00:33:01.720 Discernment, we're keeping our eyes open. 670 00:33:01.720 --> 00:33:03.120 That's not suspicion. 671 00:33:03.120 --> 00:33:04.280 It's not fear. 672 00:33:04.280 --> 00:33:05.440 It's just open eyes. 673 00:33:08.120 --> 00:33:10.920 You would have to do less offensive work 674 00:33:10.920 --> 00:33:12.400 if you would just submit yourself 675 00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:15.440 to boundaries and order. 676 00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:18.320 I say it like a song because I live it like a song. 677 00:33:18.320 --> 00:33:21.680 It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. 678 00:33:21.680 --> 00:33:24.520 I was one that when I started this program, 679 00:33:24.520 --> 00:33:26.960 that I started this program pretty much the same way 680 00:33:26.960 --> 00:33:28.320 the world does dating. 681 00:33:28.320 --> 00:33:29.640 I had wounded. 682 00:33:29.640 --> 00:33:30.320 I was wounded. 683 00:33:30.320 --> 00:33:35.160 I was broken from childhood and certain instances 684 00:33:35.160 --> 00:33:37.920 of molestation that led me to believe 685 00:33:37.920 --> 00:33:40.880 that you please men through sex or through sexual acts. 686 00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:42.920 And so I was a very heavy kisser. 687 00:33:42.920 --> 00:33:44.480 I was a very heavy petter. 688 00:33:44.480 --> 00:33:45.880 I wanted to do it all. 689 00:33:45.880 --> 00:33:48.080 I wanted to run around the pond without falling in. 690 00:33:48.080 --> 00:33:49.840 That was me. 691 00:33:49.840 --> 00:33:52.240 I loved the thrill of it. 692 00:33:52.240 --> 00:33:54.920 So the idea that somebody tells me, 693 00:33:54.920 --> 00:33:57.400 oh, well, you shouldn't go to your place with somebody, 694 00:33:57.400 --> 00:33:59.640 baby, I couldn't wait to get to my place with somebody 695 00:33:59.640 --> 00:34:02.240 and watch a movie and cuddle up. 696 00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:10.440 And it took a lot of hurt and falling apart 697 00:34:10.440 --> 00:34:15.320 and me trading out my dignity for that 698 00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:17.320 because it seemed like I wanted it so bad, 699 00:34:17.320 --> 00:34:19.400 but I didn't know it was rooted in my brokenness. 700 00:34:19.440 --> 00:34:21.480 It was rooted in the way that I learned things 701 00:34:21.480 --> 00:34:24.320 from my childhood, from the things that happened to me. 702 00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:28.719 And so boundaries and order saved my life. 703 00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:31.880 It gave me my dignity back. 704 00:34:31.880 --> 00:34:35.920 It guarded me from things that could come in and wound me 705 00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:36.800 when I've healed. 706 00:34:36.800 --> 00:34:38.639 And it's not worth it to me. 707 00:34:38.639 --> 00:34:40.520 And so I'm like, this way works. 708 00:34:40.520 --> 00:34:44.040 I even told the Lord, hey, listen, somehow along the way 709 00:34:44.040 --> 00:34:46.960 I learned this, I covenant my body to you. 710 00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:49.159 That's the only way I know how to do it. 711 00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:51.120 I said, I'm not kissing till I get married 712 00:34:51.120 --> 00:34:53.280 to guard and protect me. 713 00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:54.719 That's not a rule in this program, 714 00:34:54.719 --> 00:34:58.360 but I had to do things to guard me, to protect me, 715 00:34:58.360 --> 00:35:00.200 to get me to the promise. 716 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:14.160 And so, um, that's why I say that. So, um, let's, um, what, where are we at? 7.35. 717 00:35:14.160 --> 00:35:22.000 So this week, um, if maybe you'll have a date or maybe doing a conversation, or maybe it's 718 00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:26.160 going to be with you getting to know someone, or maybe it's going to be to complete a different 719 00:35:26.160 --> 00:35:30.720 area of your life, you're welcome, Sarah, maybe it'll be a different area of your life. We want 720 00:35:30.720 --> 00:35:38.960 you to practice having both hope and discernment. Um, let me give an example for a job. So I was 721 00:35:38.960 --> 00:35:41.840 teaching third grade. They moved me to another school. They were supposed to put me back in 722 00:35:41.840 --> 00:35:45.920 third grade. We know how to plaster dating and conversations, I guess, but I want to give you 723 00:35:46.720 --> 00:35:52.320 example of what it would look like in another area. So when I was teaching third grade, 724 00:35:52.320 --> 00:35:56.080 if my administrators, everybody would come to me, you would be really good teaching second grade. 725 00:35:56.080 --> 00:36:00.320 You'll be really good teaching second grade. And they said it so much till it was just like, 726 00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:04.080 you gotta be kidding me. How would these many different people, ain't the same people, 727 00:36:04.080 --> 00:36:08.320 different people, assistant principal, principal, the district people, the instructional coach. 728 00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:12.960 And some say, if somebody is saying this to you this much, you need to turn aside. 729 00:36:13.600 --> 00:36:17.520 And I turned aside and I said, Lord, would you like me to teach second grade? So I started to 730 00:36:17.520 --> 00:36:22.320 do some research on second grade. So I said, okay, I'll do second grade. They moved me to 731 00:36:22.320 --> 00:36:26.240 a new school. They get to this new school. They didn't even put me in third grade. They were 732 00:36:26.240 --> 00:36:31.360 supposed to, they put me in first grade. And I said, what am I going to do with some first graders? 733 00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:35.280 And I'm like, how old are they? I started trying to find children in my family, their age, to see 734 00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:39.360 how I interact with them. Because I'm like, if I say sit down, I need you to sit down. 735 00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:45.600 So what is this business? Do you know how to sit down and be quiet? That's the only thing I need 736 00:36:45.680 --> 00:36:54.880 you to do so I can teach. And so I said, Lord, okay, first grade, first grade. I said, if it's 737 00:36:54.880 --> 00:37:04.320 your will, if it could be, if it could be, let a second grade teacher, let a second grade position 738 00:37:04.320 --> 00:37:09.600 come available. Now it's likely to happen because teachers can change jobs the two weeks before 739 00:37:09.600 --> 00:37:14.480 school start or something like that. But also it's not very likely because second grade is a very 740 00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:21.920 sought out or sought after grade level. Teachers really like second grade and they generally don't 741 00:37:21.920 --> 00:37:28.160 give it up. So let me speed up. So then what happens? A second grade position comes in. I 742 00:37:28.160 --> 00:37:31.920 look at my email and they're like, we have a second grade position for this campus that I'm at. 743 00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:37.760 And I was like, you gotta be kidding me. Somebody walked away from their second grade position. 744 00:37:38.480 --> 00:37:45.120 I said, Lord, I called my prayer team, baby. We got on. I said, I want it. I want it. And then I said, 745 00:37:45.120 --> 00:37:49.520 wait a minute. So I'm hopeful to get it. But hear this. I said, Lord, 746 00:37:51.680 --> 00:37:58.800 I am your instrument. Spend me as you choose. I come from the kingdom of heaven. 747 00:37:59.520 --> 00:38:05.840 And if first grade is where you need me, first grade is where I be. Because the truth is I can 748 00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:10.560 get in second grade and think it's the best thing that ever happened to me before I get there and 749 00:38:10.560 --> 00:38:15.040 have parents that give me a hard time. I can have students that are hard headed. You don't want to 750 00:38:15.040 --> 00:38:18.800 do what you tell them to do. I can have students that are trouble problems. I'm going to be with 751 00:38:18.800 --> 00:38:23.280 them nine whole months. And so I started thinking about all the other things that could be. And 752 00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:28.320 that's when I said, you know what? Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. Let it be. Whatever your 753 00:38:28.320 --> 00:38:34.080 will is, let it be in my life because you're going to do what's best for me. I did my due diligence. 754 00:38:34.080 --> 00:38:38.640 I reached out to some people that I knew that could talk to some people to get me in this 755 00:38:38.640 --> 00:38:42.880 second grade position. Like if you can talk to somebody to talk to people, to talk to people, 756 00:38:42.880 --> 00:38:48.080 tell them I won't. Oh, I got an email today. I got the second grade position. 757 00:38:48.720 --> 00:38:54.240 But, and I thought of how, I know, I know. Think that the Lord started me on that second grade 758 00:38:54.240 --> 00:38:59.840 position. He wanted me to have that second grade position. Like five months ago when people were 759 00:38:59.840 --> 00:39:04.080 coming to me and I was denying, I'm like, uh-uh, I don't want no second grades. I like my third 760 00:39:04.080 --> 00:39:08.880 grade. Uh-uh, I don't want no second grade. And now he's got me to the place where I had to pray 761 00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:13.600 and ask him for it. He brought me to the place, but the hope was I was hopeful for it. But then 762 00:39:13.600 --> 00:39:19.360 at some point I used a sermon and said, I'm your instrument because there may be a child in first 763 00:39:19.360 --> 00:39:23.680 grade that needs me. And I know what I carry. He pulled me into the school system because of what 764 00:39:23.680 --> 00:39:27.520 he put on the inside of me. Not because I wanted to be a teacher. I did not want to be a teacher. 765 00:39:27.600 --> 00:39:31.920 Actually, when he asked me to be a teacher, I told him, I said, I'll go to, I'll go to the school, 766 00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:34.960 but I won't go in the classroom. He said, that's exactly where you're going. And I said, okay. 767 00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:40.160 And so that's how I got into the classroom is because the Lord told me, he said, there's a 768 00:39:40.160 --> 00:39:46.480 wide open door and my children need you. And so he has placed something in me, my kingdom DNA 769 00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:54.560 that restores children. Um, and it restores them and they, they helped me grow. They really helped 770 00:39:54.560 --> 00:39:59.840 me grow my Lord anyway. So hope and discernment in a job situation. 771 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.500 And so you'll have hope and discernment 772 00:40:01.500 --> 00:40:02.660 when you're talking to somebody. 773 00:40:02.660 --> 00:40:04.040 If they say something that's off, 774 00:40:04.040 --> 00:40:07.480 you'll have no reason to be open and vulnerable with kindness, 775 00:40:07.480 --> 00:40:10.020 not angry, and just share what your thoughts are about it 776 00:40:10.020 --> 00:40:10.960 and deal with it. 777 00:40:10.960 --> 00:40:12.340 And so we want you to practice it, 778 00:40:12.340 --> 00:40:16.340 and we want you to post under the post some examples 779 00:40:16.340 --> 00:40:18.460 so that other ladies can read it and see 780 00:40:18.460 --> 00:40:20.500 how to work this hope and discernment thing, 781 00:40:20.500 --> 00:40:24.460 because hope and discernment is a challenging area for you all. 782 00:40:24.460 --> 00:40:27.240 It's a challenging area for people on this journey, 783 00:40:27.240 --> 00:40:29.340 because hope means your heart stays open, 784 00:40:29.340 --> 00:40:32.560 even after it has been slapped around. 785 00:40:32.560 --> 00:40:34.860 And discernment is your shield that guards your heart. 786 00:40:34.860 --> 00:40:38.080 You can't have one without the other. 787 00:40:38.080 --> 00:40:40.200 It just don't work that way, OK? 788 00:40:40.200 --> 00:40:42.360 So we want you to marry the two. 789 00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:44.000 All right, well, if you don't have it, 790 00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:45.380 you can have questions about that. 791 00:40:45.380 --> 00:40:47.640 I want Mika to go ahead and unmute your mic. 792 00:40:47.640 --> 00:40:52.440 And then anybody else, she has to go to a group, a ladies 793 00:40:52.440 --> 00:40:53.280 Bible study. 794 00:40:53.280 --> 00:40:55.680 And so I want her to go first. 795 00:40:55.680 --> 00:40:58.000 And then just raise your hands. 796 00:40:58.000 --> 00:40:59.320 OK. 797 00:40:59.820 --> 00:41:01.020 Thanks for giving me dibs. 798 00:41:01.020 --> 00:41:04.140 And I just want to share the latest with Desiree. 799 00:41:04.140 --> 00:41:07.220 Actually, I don't have to go tonight, but it's canceled. 800 00:41:07.220 --> 00:41:09.860 So but I'm still remembering that. 801 00:41:09.860 --> 00:41:10.700 But it's OK. 802 00:41:10.700 --> 00:41:14.180 But my hand was, I guess, virtually up in my mind, 803 00:41:14.180 --> 00:41:15.980 because I figured you were going to call on me anyway. 804 00:41:15.980 --> 00:41:17.980 So if everyone's still OK with me going, 805 00:41:17.980 --> 00:41:20.100 because I'm going to hang out the entire session, 806 00:41:20.100 --> 00:41:21.780 because this is always so good. 807 00:41:21.780 --> 00:41:24.060 Yeah, I hope they are. 808 00:41:24.060 --> 00:41:24.620 Are y'all OK? 809 00:41:24.620 --> 00:41:25.220 I'm sorry. 810 00:41:25.220 --> 00:41:27.060 She told me earlier she had to go. 811 00:41:27.060 --> 00:41:28.460 I forgot to correct that. 812 00:41:28.460 --> 00:41:29.640 I just want to be integrity. 813 00:41:29.640 --> 00:41:30.440 They said OK. 814 00:41:30.440 --> 00:41:32.840 Desiree said OK to everybody. 815 00:41:32.840 --> 00:41:34.680 Oh, yeah, she did, yeah. 816 00:41:34.680 --> 00:41:35.560 All about honor. 817 00:41:35.560 --> 00:41:36.600 I'm all about the honor. 818 00:41:39.280 --> 00:41:44.120 OK, so the date went well. 819 00:41:44.120 --> 00:41:45.840 I will say he's shorter than me. 820 00:41:45.840 --> 00:41:47.960 That was that I'd grown since heart one. 821 00:41:47.960 --> 00:41:49.560 How tall are you? 822 00:41:49.560 --> 00:41:50.520 What'd you say? 823 00:41:50.520 --> 00:41:51.760 How tall are you? 824 00:41:51.760 --> 00:41:52.960 I'm 5'4". 825 00:41:52.960 --> 00:41:54.320 He's 5'3". 826 00:41:54.320 --> 00:41:55.120 Oh! 827 00:41:55.120 --> 00:41:56.760 So he's like, yeah. 828 00:41:56.780 --> 00:41:58.580 And I was wearing kitty heels. 829 00:41:58.580 --> 00:41:59.380 Wait, stop. 830 00:41:59.380 --> 00:42:00.180 Stop. 831 00:42:00.180 --> 00:42:00.980 Yes, ma'am. 832 00:42:00.980 --> 00:42:02.020 You were in heels. 833 00:42:02.020 --> 00:42:03.940 Let us take it in. 834 00:42:03.940 --> 00:42:04.660 Take it in. 835 00:42:04.660 --> 00:42:05.460 Take it in. 836 00:42:05.460 --> 00:42:06.900 Let us take it in for you. 837 00:42:06.900 --> 00:42:08.860 Let us absorb that weight with you. 838 00:42:08.860 --> 00:42:11.780 You were 5'4", he was 5'3", and you had heels on. 839 00:42:11.780 --> 00:42:12.740 My god. 840 00:42:12.740 --> 00:42:13.540 Go ahead. 841 00:42:13.540 --> 00:42:15.260 But I had, they were kitty heels. 842 00:42:15.260 --> 00:42:16.500 I took a risk. 843 00:42:16.500 --> 00:42:17.700 They were kitty heels. 844 00:42:17.700 --> 00:42:20.140 Yes, yes, ma'am. 845 00:42:20.140 --> 00:42:23.300 And he has a big belly. 846 00:42:23.300 --> 00:42:24.460 Come on, man. 847 00:42:24.460 --> 00:42:25.500 Is he Hispanic? 848 00:42:25.520 --> 00:42:27.640 You know I like Hispanic pot-bellied men. 849 00:42:27.640 --> 00:42:28.440 Go ahead. 850 00:42:28.440 --> 00:42:29.240 Sorry. 851 00:42:29.240 --> 00:42:30.040 No, it's OK. 852 00:42:30.040 --> 00:42:32.240 He's Caucasian. 853 00:42:32.240 --> 00:42:35.000 He's a school teacher. 854 00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:37.240 He teaches music. 855 00:42:37.240 --> 00:42:38.480 Like I say, he's short. 856 00:42:38.480 --> 00:42:42.240 He doesn't have, his teeth are yellow. 857 00:42:42.240 --> 00:42:44.320 But I think unintentionally, I was, 858 00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:45.680 my eyes would go in there a lot. 859 00:42:45.680 --> 00:42:47.560 So yesterday when we were talking on the phone, 860 00:42:47.560 --> 00:42:49.200 he was like, he went to the dentist. 861 00:42:49.200 --> 00:42:50.120 I didn't say it. 862 00:42:50.120 --> 00:42:51.320 I didn't tell him that, though. 863 00:42:51.320 --> 00:42:52.200 I didn't bring it up. 864 00:42:52.200 --> 00:42:53.240 He said that. 865 00:42:53.240 --> 00:42:54.640 So I didn't say it. 866 00:42:54.660 --> 00:42:56.300 But I didn't say it. 867 00:42:56.300 --> 00:42:57.300 That's why I've grown. 868 00:42:57.300 --> 00:42:58.100 I've grown. 869 00:42:58.100 --> 00:42:59.780 I just shared all that to say is I've grown. 870 00:42:59.780 --> 00:43:02.580 I would have cut that off immediately. 871 00:43:02.580 --> 00:43:05.540 But the update with that is we were talking. 872 00:43:05.540 --> 00:43:11.420 And during the date, he picked a really nice place. 873 00:43:11.420 --> 00:43:13.220 And it, you know, and I was like, oh, it can, 874 00:43:13.220 --> 00:43:14.500 I was like, are you sure it's going to be a restaurant? 875 00:43:14.500 --> 00:43:15.700 He's like, because at first I was like, oh, maybe 876 00:43:15.700 --> 00:43:16.700 we can do coffee or whatever. 877 00:43:16.700 --> 00:43:19.020 He's like, no, no, absolutely not. 878 00:43:19.020 --> 00:43:21.900 I really appreciate like the effort 879 00:43:21.920 --> 00:43:25.200 that he puts in and his willingness to pursue. 880 00:43:25.200 --> 00:43:28.800 I haven't felt that in a long, long time. 881 00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:31.680 And I was just like, well, maybe, you know, 882 00:43:31.680 --> 00:43:33.920 I feel like I still have to kind of pull teeth when 883 00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:34.960 we're talking on the phone. 884 00:43:34.960 --> 00:43:39.560 Like if I don't lead it or if I don't come up with questions, 885 00:43:39.560 --> 00:43:42.600 his questions can be very superficial. 886 00:43:42.600 --> 00:43:49.560 He's not, he's not lit up by like ministry discussions 887 00:43:49.560 --> 00:43:50.600 and stuff like that. 888 00:43:50.780 --> 00:43:53.420 And I've come to terms, I've reviewed what you said. 889 00:43:53.420 --> 00:43:56.060 It's not about that because someone can do that 890 00:43:56.060 --> 00:43:58.380 and they can be all bells and whistles with all that stuff 891 00:43:58.380 --> 00:44:00.860 and still be awful and still cheat on you if you marry them. 892 00:44:00.860 --> 00:44:03.580 And I actually, someone that I've been noticing, 893 00:44:03.580 --> 00:44:05.660 I'm like, he's fiery. 894 00:44:05.660 --> 00:44:07.980 And I've noticed him kind of looking at me while, 895 00:44:07.980 --> 00:44:09.660 you know, while attending the new church. 896 00:44:09.660 --> 00:44:11.740 But I feel like what he's giving off in character 897 00:44:11.740 --> 00:44:14.060 is giving off arrogance in terms of prophetic 898 00:44:14.060 --> 00:44:16.380 and, you know, how he's able to call out things. 899 00:44:16.380 --> 00:44:18.700 And his gift is kind of like bells and whistles. 900 00:44:18.720 --> 00:44:21.440 I don't know him, but it seems like he may be 901 00:44:21.440 --> 00:44:22.560 kind of starting to look at me. 902 00:44:22.560 --> 00:44:25.120 And I was like, I don't know if I like that arrogant, 903 00:44:25.120 --> 00:44:27.280 I'm the prophet in the room, even though, 904 00:44:27.280 --> 00:44:30.560 and he definitely believes in deliverance, but he's fiery. 905 00:44:30.560 --> 00:44:32.960 But like you were saying, I really appreciate you 906 00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:35.840 bringing it home about the integrity 907 00:44:35.840 --> 00:44:37.680 and getting to know the person. 908 00:44:37.680 --> 00:44:39.040 And are they teachable? 909 00:44:39.040 --> 00:44:40.000 That's the thing. 910 00:44:40.000 --> 00:44:43.600 So, so yeah, there's stuff like, 911 00:44:43.600 --> 00:44:47.040 because recently I've been just studying foundational, 912 00:44:48.020 --> 00:44:49.700 just foundational stuff, 913 00:44:49.700 --> 00:44:52.260 like in terms of people taking care of their family. 914 00:44:52.260 --> 00:44:54.420 I don't know how everyone feels about that on this call, 915 00:44:54.420 --> 00:44:57.540 but like, you know, like generational, 916 00:44:57.540 --> 00:44:59.860 if anyone believes in like generational curses. 917 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.600 or patterns, or I know some people don't really believe that to the extent of that, 918 00:45:04.640 --> 00:45:07.920 but I think that's what part of heart work is, and he is in therapy. 919 00:45:09.280 --> 00:45:15.680 But we have, uh, that's a good question. I have to add, his, his dad was an alcoholic, 920 00:45:16.400 --> 00:45:20.720 so I haven't asked the question. I, that was some of the question I was going to ask tonight too, 921 00:45:20.720 --> 00:45:27.200 like should I, because he said it more than once that he's in therapy with a woman therapist. 922 00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:32.400 He was in therapy with a male therapist, but he switched to a woman therapist because the 923 00:45:32.400 --> 00:45:38.720 male therapist was a little bit abrasive. But I didn't say why or what, he just 924 00:45:39.760 --> 00:45:47.040 side noted, interjected that he, his dad was an alcoholic and it wasn't really a healthy 925 00:45:47.040 --> 00:45:51.600 situation, but we can talk about that another time down the road. And so I'm like, okay. 926 00:45:52.240 --> 00:46:00.800 Um, and he also mentioned that his PSA levels have been, um, elevated at one point, like for 927 00:46:00.800 --> 00:46:05.920 prostate cancer. Um, and so there's a, I don't want to think it, but I'm going to say it here 928 00:46:05.920 --> 00:46:10.480 because it's a safe space because it's like in the back of my mind, like, and he's retiring next 929 00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:14.560 year. So he's like, I'm retiring next year so I can move anywhere. And, and I was just thinking, 930 00:46:14.560 --> 00:46:20.400 I'm like, I don't want to be his health insurance. I hate to say it. I don't want to be like the 931 00:46:20.400 --> 00:46:24.800 health insurance ticket or, you know, I don't want to feel like that. I didn't feel like that 932 00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:31.280 on the date. I felt taken care of, but I think, um, because there's a slight age gap, he's 55, 933 00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:35.920 you know, so technically he's retiring younger. And I haven't asked the question, 934 00:46:35.920 --> 00:46:41.680 why are you retiring now? Versus like when you were in your sixties, I'm 43, 43. 935 00:46:41.680 --> 00:46:45.520 Right. He's a teacher, school teachers retire. That's around retirement age. 936 00:46:45.520 --> 00:46:47.840 That is. Okay. That's good to know. 937 00:46:47.840 --> 00:46:51.600 They get their 25 years in pretty early. So, you know, most people start off teaching in their 938 00:46:51.600 --> 00:46:58.400 twenties. So 55 is a very, my aunt is like 51 and she's retired from teaching. Yeah. Teachers, 939 00:46:59.120 --> 00:47:04.800 teachers is different. They retire much earlier and their number to hit is not as much as other 940 00:47:04.800 --> 00:47:07.920 professions. Okay. That's good to know. So I'm not going to be, 941 00:47:07.920 --> 00:47:10.800 there's a hundred thousand things going through my head. So that's, 942 00:47:10.800 --> 00:47:14.080 I can take that off the list of different things, but I didn't say it. 943 00:47:14.720 --> 00:47:18.320 Let me give you a little more, let me give you a little more wisdom on that as well. 944 00:47:18.960 --> 00:47:24.960 Um, just, just to process this, this way, when a person is able to retire there early, 945 00:47:24.960 --> 00:47:28.800 that means they can start working and building other things as well. So if he ever had a dream 946 00:47:28.800 --> 00:47:34.720 of a business, most people, 73% of people start their businesses when they're 50 and over. 947 00:47:35.280 --> 00:47:39.200 And that's probably because they start retiring early and they're able to do things that they 948 00:47:39.200 --> 00:47:44.000 love to do and want to do. And so I just want you to know that if you're going to ever date 949 00:47:44.000 --> 00:47:49.440 people that are older than you, when you retire, it frees you up to be creative and purposeful. 950 00:47:49.440 --> 00:47:55.520 You're not tied to a job that pays you a check. So, well, thank you for saying that. Cause then 951 00:47:55.520 --> 00:47:58.720 he did touch on that. He said, that's something actually that he regretted 952 00:47:58.720 --> 00:48:01.840 not starting his own business and he'd love to work with someone. 953 00:48:02.560 --> 00:48:06.560 And eventually, so you nailed it. Yes, of course you nailed it. That's why you're here. 954 00:48:07.200 --> 00:48:13.040 No, yes, ma'am. So I guess the question is, the question is what is my question? 955 00:48:13.040 --> 00:48:18.560 Um, the date, I guess the date went well. Um, he'll, he sends me a good morning text every 956 00:48:18.560 --> 00:48:24.480 morning. Um, he just reminds me of kind of like, I'm going to say it like the safety guy. I don't 957 00:48:24.480 --> 00:48:30.400 see him ever cheating on me. He seems like he's very faithful. He seems like he's teachable to 958 00:48:30.400 --> 00:48:35.200 an extent, but I know like the prophetic stuff is going to weird him out. I know like giving in a 959 00:48:35.200 --> 00:48:39.600 certain way is going to freak him out. I'm not sure if he's like, I don't think he's a regular 960 00:48:39.600 --> 00:48:46.480 tither. I think he's kind of come up with his own rule around that. Um, and I, those sort of things 961 00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:50.560 that concern me, like in terms of like deliverance, he was like, I have been in an all night prayer, 962 00:48:50.560 --> 00:48:57.280 but I fell asleep, but he's like, but I go, I'd be there. I think I could see him as doing a lot 963 00:48:57.280 --> 00:49:02.080 of things just to make me happy. My concern is that he would, he would just do whatever, 964 00:49:02.160 --> 00:49:07.920 do a lot of things to make me happy, but not really agree. That's my concern. So my concern 965 00:49:07.920 --> 00:49:14.320 is how do I, what are some other strategies I can really get to know him? And I kept saying that 966 00:49:14.320 --> 00:49:18.320 based on your advice, I kept saying that even throughout the date and when we were talking on 967 00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:22.480 the phone the day before yesterday, like I'm looking forward to getting to know you and being 968 00:49:22.480 --> 00:49:29.120 around you in person. Um, especially while I'm still kind of here locally before I start classes 969 00:49:29.120 --> 00:49:32.880 in the fall. He's like, well, we'll figure that out. He's, I know this man is going to drive 970 00:49:34.080 --> 00:49:39.440 and I'm going to feel even, I'm going to feel even more. And he knows I'm not open to moving. 971 00:49:39.440 --> 00:49:44.720 I'm not open to moving where he is. So that's another piece. Like he would have to move. That's, 972 00:49:44.720 --> 00:49:53.280 I'm not leaving my church, my new church home. Um, yeah, no way. So y'all only been talking how 973 00:49:53.280 --> 00:49:59.840 long? Um, it's been, he's, it's been since March. March. 974 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:11.040 i'm sorry not march june july july because we were on through with the app so technically he was he's 975 00:50:11.040 --> 00:50:17.280 trying to count that to july us chatting on the app for a little bit like and i i actually stopped 976 00:50:17.280 --> 00:50:23.360 um because i paused for a minute just because of the the t thing i'm like oh is his team yellow 977 00:50:23.360 --> 00:50:29.520 and then i got distracted with somebody else that i was chatting with but then i doubled back um 978 00:50:30.080 --> 00:50:33.440 and just because someone's saying you know sometimes you you can't you know you got to 979 00:50:33.440 --> 00:50:37.040 be careful because you could miss up opportunities for like some really beautiful people based on 980 00:50:37.040 --> 00:50:42.400 superficial things that they and even what you guys were saying here that that can be changed 981 00:50:42.400 --> 00:50:46.720 you know and so i doubled back and then i've come to find out we had so much in common it 982 00:50:46.720 --> 00:50:53.920 was almost scary like in terms of like um like where where he grew up where he went to school 983 00:50:54.720 --> 00:50:59.200 like there's a lot of like overlap like even our birth month is in the same month 984 00:51:00.080 --> 00:51:07.760 so it's yeah so what i want to say is about this it's good that y'all have you know um 985 00:51:08.640 --> 00:51:14.800 have a lot of things in common um some things aren't necessary to think about right now 986 00:51:14.800 --> 00:51:18.800 like who's going to live where he's already said he's open to moving or anywhere so it doesn't 987 00:51:18.800 --> 00:51:24.240 matter about that about what church you're going to be out this be it that's not that's not up for 988 00:51:24.240 --> 00:51:29.520 discussion because you don't know what god has in store for you and this is not for me to say 989 00:51:29.520 --> 00:51:33.280 you could move where he's at that's not what i'm saying to you mika but the truth is you really 990 00:51:33.280 --> 00:51:38.480 don't know all you know is where you are right now and so when you live in a place that you 991 00:51:38.480 --> 00:51:48.160 have no grace for you can't make wise decisions you see so if you were to get to 90 days of 992 00:51:48.160 --> 00:51:54.080 exclusivity or you get to 60 days at the least two months um he says let's go exclusive and you 993 00:51:54.080 --> 00:51:58.480 make a decision that's when you say things because you know you're dating for marriage 994 00:51:59.280 --> 00:52:05.520 so i come off the market for you that means my mind is going toward us moving toward 995 00:52:05.520 --> 00:52:12.480 marriage so now we discuss heavy hitter things if you go exclusive with somebody in two weeks 996 00:52:12.480 --> 00:52:16.320 you do not discuss heavy hitter things you don't even have the infrastructure to house that 997 00:52:17.280 --> 00:52:21.520 so if you decide to go exclusive with somebody after two days and then you want to talk about 998 00:52:21.520 --> 00:52:25.520 where y'all gonna live you could do it because it feels fun but you're not gonna make it very far 999 00:52:25.520 --> 00:52:29.600 you don't have the infrastructure to house that type of conversation you don't have the equity 1000 00:52:30.560 --> 00:52:35.040 you have to build infrastructure even to house friendships and the things that you share with 1001 00:52:35.040 --> 00:52:40.960 your friends y'all y'all following me and so when you talk about things out of time and out of season 1002 00:52:40.960 --> 00:52:46.400 it usually crumbles because you have not built enough infrastructure to hold it together 1003 00:52:46.960 --> 00:52:50.720 you just have knowledge and information but it's you can do nothing with it 1004 00:52:52.080 --> 00:52:57.200 right so even you believe you may say he seems like he would never cheat i don't believe in 1005 00:52:57.200 --> 00:53:01.120 never i believe people they don't subject themselves if you don't subject yourself to 1006 00:53:01.120 --> 00:53:06.480 the spirit you can get lonely even you or me and we put ourselves in situations we'll find 1007 00:53:06.480 --> 00:53:10.720 ourselves doing things we never thought we would do so i don't make never statements about people 1008 00:53:10.800 --> 00:53:16.640 because in i do it there's a certainty that comes down on the inside of me that causes me not to see 1009 00:53:16.640 --> 00:53:22.720 well as soon as that language comes out of your mouth and you hear it as a woman and you're 1010 00:53:22.720 --> 00:53:27.200 looking for certainty because in a woman she wants security and she wants stability 1011 00:53:28.720 --> 00:53:33.760 and so when we use language when we meet me and we say it seems like he would never cheat on me 1012 00:53:34.640 --> 00:53:39.680 when you say that something in you programs this is a safe place 1013 00:53:42.000 --> 00:53:47.600 and then when it happens you are completely you know do you marry somebody you think they would 1014 00:53:47.600 --> 00:53:59.440 cheat no but never limit i watch my own self so i won't cheat i like i mean like i have to guard my 1015 00:53:59.520 --> 00:54:06.960 own self against the wiles and the tricks of the enemy and so um what i said about we have to build 1016 00:54:06.960 --> 00:54:12.080 infrastructure even with friends right and so there are friends that you have in your life that 1017 00:54:12.080 --> 00:54:17.760 you can tell more things to than you can the other friend you have a deeper level of trust with them 1018 00:54:17.760 --> 00:54:22.640 you built something with them that could hold up to whatever pressure whatever you're about to share 1019 00:54:22.640 --> 00:54:27.360 with them whatever shame it could be whatever sadness it could be you can share it with them 1020 00:54:27.360 --> 00:54:33.200 we call it different friendships but the relationship structure is what allows you to be 1021 00:54:33.200 --> 00:54:39.280 that person with him and so when you're dating a person and you go too far ahead you don't pace you 1022 00:54:39.280 --> 00:54:43.520 don't give it time you don't have the infrastructure to hold up to some of this stuff and that's what 1023 00:54:43.520 --> 00:54:49.040 hurts you the most because you have the information and you processed it and you put a certainty mark 1024 00:54:49.040 --> 00:54:54.720 on it what you didn't know is you didn't have the infrastructure to hold it up and it feels like 1025 00:54:54.720 --> 00:54:58.320 it's crumbling in front of you and then when you go back and look he was like but it's only been 1026 00:54:58.320 --> 00:54:59.840 three weeks why am i acting like this 1027 00:55:00.880 --> 00:55:06.320 Anybody have experienced that? I mean, when I look at it, it was just two weeks. Why am I, 1028 00:55:06.320 --> 00:55:12.080 why am I tripping? Why am I hurt? You went too, you went too fast. You went too fast. And it's 1029 00:55:12.080 --> 00:55:15.520 not just the speed. You didn't have the infrastructure. And that's why we say be 1030 00:55:15.520 --> 00:55:21.920 fruit inspectors. When you inspect a person fruit, you get to choose to trust them. You get to choose 1031 00:55:21.920 --> 00:55:26.880 something because they proven something to you. They shown something to you. And that just like 1032 00:55:27.520 --> 00:55:34.480 let's put a beam in the, go ahead Mika. What are some types of dates that maybe I can suggest 1033 00:55:34.480 --> 00:55:42.080 that could help us be able to see, get to know each other better besides sitting at a dinner 1034 00:55:43.920 --> 00:55:50.560 and talking? Okay. Yeah. I'm going to address that. I just kind of talked on that for a minute, 1035 00:55:50.560 --> 00:55:56.560 but I'm going to pick up with you and finish out your question for sure. And so keep that in mind, 1036 00:55:56.800 --> 00:56:01.840 that's one of the things you want to guard yourself against. And so the thing about you 1037 00:56:01.840 --> 00:56:07.680 and this man, what you're going to have to do is because you have to do more of, he's not a 1038 00:56:07.680 --> 00:56:14.320 conversationalist sounds like, and that's okay. Some people just aren't conversationalist. Mika, 1039 00:56:14.320 --> 00:56:19.680 you got words for days. That's just who you are. But you're going to have to become comfortable 1040 00:56:19.680 --> 00:56:25.680 with him saying nothing and you sitting there. You're going to have to become comfortable with 1041 00:56:25.680 --> 00:56:30.720 quietness because you're going to get tired of carrying it. So what you're going to say to him 1042 00:56:30.720 --> 00:56:35.840 is I carry this a lot. I know that you don't have a lot of words, but I'm going to become 1043 00:56:35.840 --> 00:56:42.240 comfortable in being quiet with you. So don't be alarmed and sit there and be quiet and eat 1044 00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:48.080 or whatever you're doing. And you announce it so he can know that this is what you're doing. 1045 00:56:48.720 --> 00:56:53.280 You don't have to keep it to yourself. It is okay to use your words and be vulnerable in that way. 1046 00:56:53.920 --> 00:56:58.080 It's easy for me to lead. It's easy for me to carry this conversation, but I understand that 1047 00:56:58.080 --> 00:57:03.360 I will get worn out carrying this conversation. You said the worn out part. I will get, I will 1048 00:57:03.360 --> 00:57:08.960 say all of it because you're, you're being a person. This is, you're just saying it. You're 1049 00:57:08.960 --> 00:57:14.320 not having an attitude. You're just being real. Like if, if this is somebody you want to consider 1050 00:57:14.320 --> 00:57:17.840 based on the things you said, what'd you think you're going to do when you marry him? He not 1051 00:57:17.840 --> 00:57:24.000 going to change. No, that's true. Okay. And so, and I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage, 1052 00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:27.760 but I'm just telling you because you've, you've, you've kind of processed through some things. 1053 00:57:28.480 --> 00:57:33.440 You guys, you have to let a person be who they are. Don't try to feel the space that they supposed to 1054 00:57:33.440 --> 00:57:39.200 hold on their own. Stay in your lane and let them show up and decide if there's something you can 1055 00:57:39.200 --> 00:57:42.880 live with because you're going to keep trying to change them and it's not going to work. 1056 00:57:43.760 --> 00:57:47.360 Some of you ladies aren't conversationalist. You're more quiet. You're more chill. You're 1057 00:57:47.360 --> 00:57:50.560 more laid back and you're pretty cool with everybody doing all the talking. You ain't 1058 00:57:50.560 --> 00:57:54.960 got no problem with it. It doesn't mean you're not interested. It doesn't mean you don't care. 1059 00:57:54.960 --> 00:57:59.120 It's just that you ain't got that many words to say, but if they talk, I'll go with it. 1060 00:57:59.920 --> 00:58:06.560 And so you have to be pulled out of that comfort zone to show up well. You can't stay there. And 1061 00:58:06.560 --> 00:58:10.400 if you want him to come out of that and show up, then you're going to have to give space for him 1062 00:58:10.400 --> 00:58:16.160 to be it so you can make a decision about it. That's good. Thank you. Because you're going to 1063 00:58:16.160 --> 00:58:20.320 keep demanding it. That's not going to change. And so some of the things that you need to do is, 1064 00:58:21.520 --> 00:58:25.680 so you want to pace with him because I've talked about a lot of things. That's going to be your 1065 00:58:25.680 --> 00:58:32.400 strategy because whatever you know or you don't know, you give it 90 days, you're going to feel 1066 00:58:32.400 --> 00:58:37.680 different. You're going to see it different. I'm telling you, Jackie said a minimum 60 days, 1067 00:58:37.680 --> 00:58:42.960 but 90 days got something special on it. And I know we're an acceleration program and some of 1068 00:58:42.960 --> 00:58:45.920 you guys are going to meet somebody and you're probably going to be married before 90 days. 1069 00:58:45.920 --> 00:58:51.520 I totally understand. But if you got time to grow and learn, and then 90 days is a sweet spot for 1070 00:58:51.520 --> 00:58:57.280 you because there's no reason to go exclusive before then. Even if they ask me like, okay, 1071 00:58:57.280 --> 00:59:02.560 let's just hang out to this date. Let's see what happens and just grow and take your time. And if 1072 00:59:02.560 --> 00:59:05.840 he doesn't have a lot to talk about, stop talking to him on the phone all the time. 1073 00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:12.320 And you know what that's going to do for you? It's going to slow down the pacing. Y'all going 1074 00:59:12.320 --> 00:59:15.040 to stop talking about stuff you ain't got no business talking about. He had no business 1075 00:59:15.040 --> 00:59:24.240 telling you about no prostate cancer. But Mika, you know, I know. I have worked with you long 1076 00:59:24.240 --> 00:59:30.400 enough. I'm like, Mika, how you know that in one week? How do you know this stuff? You know too 1077 00:59:30.400 --> 00:59:41.280 much. You did too much. You got to stop digging. You think it's going to bring you safety, but 1078 00:59:42.560 --> 00:59:46.240 it puts you in this space with these questions and what am I doing? How can I adjust this? 1079 00:59:47.280 --> 00:59:50.640 You shouldn't be placing yourself in the future with a person that you don't even know their 1080 00:59:50.640 --> 00:59:58.160 character. That's good. You haven't watched them respond to anything. That's not where you want to 1081 00:59:58.160 --> 00:59:59.760 be sitting in their future. 1082 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:01.440 Because when you break up with him, 1083 01:00:01.440 --> 01:00:02.800 you're going to have to grieve. 1084 01:00:02.800 --> 01:00:03.680 You want to hate. 1085 01:00:03.680 --> 01:00:05.440 You're going to have to grieve it. 1086 01:00:05.440 --> 01:00:08.840 And that's some of the things that we don't know 1087 01:00:08.840 --> 01:00:09.720 that has to happen. 1088 01:00:09.720 --> 01:00:11.840 But we grieve what could have been. 1089 01:00:11.840 --> 01:00:13.640 And when you create a what could have been, 1090 01:00:13.640 --> 01:00:15.240 you're going to already do it anyway. 1091 01:00:15.240 --> 01:00:16.320 But you can stop yourself. 1092 01:00:16.320 --> 01:00:19.120 But when you really jump into it and you don't mind, 1093 01:00:19.120 --> 01:00:21.160 then you also have to grieve what could have been. 1094 01:00:21.160 --> 01:00:23.840 And that comes with a bit of sorrow itself. 1095 01:00:23.840 --> 01:00:25.280 But so what you're going to do is, 1096 01:00:25.280 --> 01:00:28.440 if he can't hold a conversation, just tell him, 1097 01:00:28.480 --> 01:00:30.000 I am a talker. 1098 01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:30.840 You can say it. 1099 01:00:30.840 --> 01:00:32.240 And we talk every day 1100 01:00:32.240 --> 01:00:34.600 and I'm uncomfortable with us not saying anything. 1101 01:00:34.600 --> 01:00:36.280 So what I've decided to do, 1102 01:00:36.280 --> 01:00:37.760 you know, we can check in and say, 1103 01:00:37.760 --> 01:00:39.160 hey, how's your day going? 1104 01:00:39.160 --> 01:00:41.400 And then we'll chunk deuces. 1105 01:00:42.480 --> 01:00:43.560 I'm not pulling away. 1106 01:00:43.560 --> 01:00:46.360 It's just that I'm not going to carry this conversation. 1107 01:00:47.520 --> 01:00:48.840 Oh, okay. 1108 01:00:48.840 --> 01:00:49.680 I can do it. 1109 01:00:49.680 --> 01:00:50.680 If he wants to talk to you, 1110 01:00:50.680 --> 01:00:52.960 he needs to go to chat GPT and ask chat GPT 1111 01:00:52.960 --> 01:00:55.400 to give him some questions to talk to you about. 1112 01:00:55.400 --> 01:00:56.520 They'll help him out. 1113 01:00:57.280 --> 01:00:58.280 Mm-hmm. 1114 01:00:58.280 --> 01:00:59.120 So let's see. 1115 01:00:59.120 --> 01:01:00.880 Does he figure out a way to connect with you 1116 01:01:00.880 --> 01:01:03.040 or does he just sit back and be passive? 1117 01:01:03.040 --> 01:01:04.520 You want to know that. 1118 01:01:04.520 --> 01:01:08.200 Oh, I didn't even make that connection with passivity 1119 01:01:08.200 --> 01:01:10.800 and him not being engaged in your conversation. 1120 01:01:10.800 --> 01:01:12.760 Wow, that's exactly what it is. 1121 01:01:13.920 --> 01:01:15.160 Oh, that's good. 1122 01:01:15.160 --> 01:01:17.640 And then so, but you don't stop showing up as you. 1123 01:01:17.640 --> 01:01:20.240 So if you want to talk, you show up and talk. 1124 01:01:20.240 --> 01:01:22.800 You do, you still show up as you. 1125 01:01:22.800 --> 01:01:25.280 It's just that you're not going to carry his load. 1126 01:01:27.040 --> 01:01:27.880 I love that. 1127 01:01:27.880 --> 01:01:28.720 That's good. 1128 01:01:28.720 --> 01:01:30.400 That's helpful. 1129 01:01:30.400 --> 01:01:32.320 And so give yourself some boundaries. 1130 01:01:32.320 --> 01:01:34.480 If you find that you're talking 1131 01:01:34.480 --> 01:01:36.280 15 minutes of the conversation, 1132 01:01:36.280 --> 01:01:38.080 set your timer, watch yourself. 1133 01:01:38.080 --> 01:01:40.120 And then at that point you stop, you cut it out. 1134 01:01:40.120 --> 01:01:42.240 Say, okay, well, I've talked enough. 1135 01:01:42.240 --> 01:01:44.360 Have anything you want to share, talk about? 1136 01:01:44.360 --> 01:01:47.040 Cause I'm working on not carrying this conversation. 1137 01:01:47.040 --> 01:01:48.360 Say it out loud. 1138 01:01:50.160 --> 01:01:54.720 See, vulnerability lets people see who you are and know you 1139 01:01:54.760 --> 01:01:56.880 because you can say it happy now, 1140 01:01:56.880 --> 01:01:58.920 but when it starts to frustrate you, 1141 01:01:58.920 --> 01:02:00.920 you're going to come out with demands, 1142 01:02:00.920 --> 01:02:03.400 expectations, and you're going to be harsh. 1143 01:02:04.320 --> 01:02:06.360 And you're going to say, so I'm tired of this. 1144 01:02:06.360 --> 01:02:07.440 Ever since we've been talking, 1145 01:02:07.440 --> 01:02:08.920 I had to do this and I had to do that. 1146 01:02:08.920 --> 01:02:09.760 That's not true. 1147 01:02:09.760 --> 01:02:11.320 You chose to do that. 1148 01:02:11.320 --> 01:02:12.920 You didn't have to do anything. 1149 01:02:14.400 --> 01:02:16.320 And so then you start blaming the person 1150 01:02:16.320 --> 01:02:17.600 for the load that you carry 1151 01:02:17.600 --> 01:02:19.280 when it never had to be that way. 1152 01:02:21.000 --> 01:02:23.080 And if this is who he is, this is who he is. 1153 01:02:23.080 --> 01:02:24.440 And it's better that you know. 1154 01:02:25.200 --> 01:02:27.480 So let's pace, let's get us some days under our belt. 1155 01:02:27.480 --> 01:02:30.760 And some days that you can do is active activity dates. 1156 01:02:30.760 --> 01:02:32.680 So bowling, you can do things 1157 01:02:32.680 --> 01:02:34.000 where you don't have to tell them, 1158 01:02:34.000 --> 01:02:35.160 you don't want to do dinner. 1159 01:02:35.160 --> 01:02:36.160 You don't want to sit and talk. 1160 01:02:36.160 --> 01:02:37.200 You want to get active. 1161 01:02:37.200 --> 01:02:39.440 You want to learn, go do an escape room. 1162 01:02:39.440 --> 01:02:42.280 Go do things that lets you see if somebody's competitive. 1163 01:02:44.120 --> 01:02:45.000 Go on a hike. 1164 01:02:45.000 --> 01:02:47.560 If you like to hike, not a hike of the hard hike, 1165 01:02:47.560 --> 01:02:49.800 but like a hike kind of walk hike, you know. 1166 01:02:50.960 --> 01:02:52.880 Something like, what state are you in? 1167 01:02:53.880 --> 01:02:55.320 I'm in New Jersey. 1168 01:02:55.320 --> 01:02:56.160 I'm in New Jersey. 1169 01:02:56.160 --> 01:02:57.480 I'm sitting there right now. 1170 01:02:57.480 --> 01:02:58.320 Okay. 1171 01:02:58.320 --> 01:02:59.400 Yeah, go walking. 1172 01:02:59.400 --> 01:03:01.440 Stop eating, go walking. 1173 01:03:02.320 --> 01:03:04.200 Get out, do stuff. 1174 01:03:04.200 --> 01:03:06.560 See what a stand-a-man is like. 1175 01:03:06.560 --> 01:03:07.480 And see the legs. 1176 01:03:07.480 --> 01:03:09.560 I'll probably have to walk slow. 1177 01:03:09.560 --> 01:03:10.760 Don't ask a bad shit. 1178 01:03:10.760 --> 01:03:13.280 No, you're gonna have to make him hard to keep up. 1179 01:03:13.280 --> 01:03:14.120 He got to come on. 1180 01:03:14.120 --> 01:03:14.960 He got to come on. 1181 01:03:14.960 --> 01:03:15.800 Tell it to him. 1182 01:03:15.800 --> 01:03:17.680 Tell it to him, he gonna have to keep up. 1183 01:03:20.080 --> 01:03:21.400 Yeah. 1184 01:03:21.400 --> 01:03:22.560 That's right. 1185 01:03:23.240 --> 01:03:24.320 Yeah, he can keep up. 1186 01:03:24.320 --> 01:03:25.440 He a man, baby. 1187 01:03:25.440 --> 01:03:26.840 You let him work that out, Mika. 1188 01:03:26.840 --> 01:03:29.320 You cannot go into situations with men. 1189 01:03:29.320 --> 01:03:30.680 You'll be amazed. 1190 01:03:30.680 --> 01:03:32.640 Men get the job done. 1191 01:03:32.640 --> 01:03:34.560 You're underestimating the man. 1192 01:03:35.960 --> 01:03:37.160 Don't you worry. 1193 01:03:37.160 --> 01:03:39.280 He gonna figure out how to do his part. 1194 01:03:39.280 --> 01:03:40.680 And that's what you want. 1195 01:03:40.680 --> 01:03:42.480 You want to see the man show up. 1196 01:03:42.480 --> 01:03:43.880 Men are solutionists. 1197 01:03:43.880 --> 01:03:45.160 They solve problems. 1198 01:03:45.160 --> 01:03:46.360 They're good at it. 1199 01:03:49.800 --> 01:03:50.640 Okay. 1200 01:03:50.640 --> 01:03:52.200 Sounds good? 1201 01:03:52.960 --> 01:03:53.960 That was super helpful. 1202 01:03:53.960 --> 01:03:54.800 Thank you. 1203 01:03:54.800 --> 01:03:55.640 Good, good. 1204 01:03:55.640 --> 01:03:56.480 Hey, Rachel. 1205 01:03:59.480 --> 01:04:00.400 Hey, Benny. 1206 01:04:01.640 --> 01:04:03.600 I have a question. 1207 01:04:03.600 --> 01:04:05.040 How do you, 1208 01:04:07.720 --> 01:04:10.320 like how do you start a conversation? 1209 01:04:16.080 --> 01:04:20.440 How do you start a conversation with somebody? 1210 01:04:20.520 --> 01:04:22.640 They just send you a emoji. 1211 01:04:25.920 --> 01:04:27.880 Where do you take that? 1212 01:04:27.880 --> 01:04:28.720 Nowhere. 1213 01:04:28.720 --> 01:04:29.560 You leave it sitting right there 1214 01:04:29.560 --> 01:04:31.280 till they find some words to use. 1215 01:04:32.240 --> 01:04:33.720 What? 1216 01:04:33.720 --> 01:04:36.600 You leave it there until they find words to use. 1217 01:04:38.440 --> 01:04:39.760 Just use hi. 1218 01:04:39.760 --> 01:04:41.600 It's just a hi emoji. 1219 01:04:41.600 --> 01:04:44.440 And I will send a hi emoji back. 1220 01:04:44.440 --> 01:04:45.400 Okay. 1221 01:04:45.400 --> 01:04:47.800 I'll give you the effort that you put in. 1222 01:04:47.800 --> 01:04:49.240 If I give you that, 1223 01:04:51.320 --> 01:04:53.080 or you can be like, 1224 01:04:53.080 --> 01:04:53.920 they send you hi, 1225 01:04:53.920 --> 01:04:54.960 you can say, what's up? 1226 01:04:54.960 --> 01:04:55.840 Question mark. 1227 01:04:55.840 --> 01:04:58.040 So it's kind of like, what do you want? 1228 01:04:58.040 --> 01:05:00.000 But like, but I would. 1229 01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.640 Generally, what you do is I just, if they do high, do high. 1230 01:05:03.640 --> 01:05:05.520 Don't give a lot of energy to that. 1231 01:05:08.320 --> 01:05:10.160 It's important to me that people learn 1232 01:05:10.160 --> 01:05:12.320 how to rise to the occasion. 1233 01:05:12.320 --> 01:05:15.360 And if he says a wave, if that's all the effort, 1234 01:05:15.360 --> 01:05:16.520 maybe he just wanted to say high, 1235 01:05:16.520 --> 01:05:18.340 so you just say high back. 1236 01:05:18.340 --> 01:05:19.840 That's it. 1237 01:05:19.840 --> 01:05:22.240 But don't put on high, how are you doing today? 1238 01:05:22.240 --> 01:05:24.400 Da-da-da, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. 1239 01:05:24.400 --> 01:05:26.320 Just get a little wave back. 1240 01:05:26.320 --> 01:05:27.280 Or you know what? 1241 01:05:27.280 --> 01:05:28.920 Put a thumbs up on the high. 1242 01:05:28.920 --> 01:05:30.560 It's even better, I'll show you. 1243 01:05:33.120 --> 01:05:35.400 Put a heart on the high emoji. 1244 01:05:47.080 --> 01:05:48.160 Yeah, do it. 1245 01:05:48.160 --> 01:05:50.320 You can give a high emoji back, 1246 01:05:50.320 --> 01:05:52.320 or you can heart his high hand. 1247 01:05:55.200 --> 01:05:57.320 Or give it a thumbs up. 1248 01:05:57.320 --> 01:05:58.360 Don't even do it a heart, 1249 01:05:58.360 --> 01:05:59.440 it's gonna be like you like it. 1250 01:05:59.440 --> 01:06:00.680 Just give it a thumbs up. 1251 01:06:01.760 --> 01:06:03.480 Okay, thank you. 1252 01:06:03.480 --> 01:06:06.120 Yeah, people have to give more effort than that. 1253 01:06:06.120 --> 01:06:07.120 You're welcome. 1254 01:06:07.120 --> 01:06:09.160 No, don't you let, don't you do it. 1255 01:06:09.160 --> 01:06:10.000 Don't you do it. 1256 01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:11.600 You hear me, Rachel? 1257 01:06:11.600 --> 01:06:15.440 Oh no, I'm gonna, no, that's why I'm asking. 1258 01:06:15.440 --> 01:06:16.280 Yeah. 1259 01:06:16.280 --> 01:06:17.800 No, that's why I'm asking you, 1260 01:06:17.800 --> 01:06:21.280 because I'm like, I don't know. 1261 01:06:22.600 --> 01:06:23.440 I know. 1262 01:06:23.440 --> 01:06:24.280 If you're seeing something, 1263 01:06:24.280 --> 01:06:26.160 like put your best foot forward. 1264 01:06:26.160 --> 01:06:29.120 I mean, it's, I don't know. 1265 01:06:29.120 --> 01:06:29.960 See what I'm saying? 1266 01:06:29.960 --> 01:06:31.840 I guess there's a cultural difference. 1267 01:06:31.840 --> 01:06:33.160 Like, I don't know. 1268 01:06:33.160 --> 01:06:34.600 Just like. 1269 01:06:34.600 --> 01:06:35.760 Ain't got nothing to do with culture. 1270 01:06:35.760 --> 01:06:37.520 That's minimum effort. 1271 01:06:37.520 --> 01:06:38.360 That's what that is. 1272 01:06:38.360 --> 01:06:40.480 That's not culture, that's minimum effort. 1273 01:06:40.480 --> 01:06:41.880 Okay. 1274 01:06:41.880 --> 01:06:42.720 Okay. 1275 01:06:44.760 --> 01:06:47.920 Hey, I don't know why when I look at your name, 1276 01:06:47.920 --> 01:06:48.960 I say it wrong. 1277 01:06:48.960 --> 01:06:52.040 It's the letters at which, but that is not it. 1278 01:06:54.040 --> 01:06:55.280 Give me a nickname. 1279 01:06:57.160 --> 01:06:58.000 It's okay. 1280 01:06:58.000 --> 01:07:01.560 No, you say it pretty much the way everybody else does it. 1281 01:07:01.560 --> 01:07:02.680 I know, but I don't want to. 1282 01:07:02.680 --> 01:07:04.200 We too close for that. 1283 01:07:04.200 --> 01:07:06.280 We got relationship now. 1284 01:07:07.600 --> 01:07:11.480 You can, a lot of people call me E or Eddie. 1285 01:07:11.480 --> 01:07:12.600 E, E. 1286 01:07:12.600 --> 01:07:13.440 Okay, E. 1287 01:07:16.040 --> 01:07:16.880 How's it go? 1288 01:07:16.880 --> 01:07:18.920 Tell us about the date. 1289 01:07:20.320 --> 01:07:21.960 The date was really nice. 1290 01:07:21.960 --> 01:07:23.800 I, you know, I didn't want to go. 1291 01:07:23.960 --> 01:07:26.720 I just wasn't feeling up to it that day. 1292 01:07:26.720 --> 01:07:27.560 And, 1293 01:07:30.640 --> 01:07:33.960 and I didn't think he was all that attractive, I guess. 1294 01:07:33.960 --> 01:07:34.800 He was all right. 1295 01:07:34.800 --> 01:07:35.640 He was all right. 1296 01:07:35.640 --> 01:07:36.480 But, 1297 01:07:38.560 --> 01:07:40.720 but yeah, but when I met him in person, 1298 01:07:40.720 --> 01:07:42.280 he ended up being really handsome. 1299 01:07:42.280 --> 01:07:43.440 I was like, oh my gosh. 1300 01:07:44.400 --> 01:07:46.320 I was pleasantly surprised. 1301 01:07:46.320 --> 01:07:47.160 Wow. 1302 01:07:47.160 --> 01:07:49.120 How did that change? 1303 01:07:49.120 --> 01:07:49.960 I don't know. 1304 01:07:49.960 --> 01:07:52.440 I think maybe it's just the pictures that he has on now. 1305 01:07:52.440 --> 01:07:53.280 I was just like, 1306 01:07:53.280 --> 01:07:56.160 oh, those pictures ain't doing you justice, brother. 1307 01:07:56.160 --> 01:07:57.280 I know. 1308 01:07:57.280 --> 01:07:58.120 Yeah. 1309 01:08:01.080 --> 01:08:01.920 So like, 1310 01:08:03.400 --> 01:08:05.600 like, it's funny when you were talking about 1311 01:08:06.640 --> 01:08:08.320 not being much of a talker. 1312 01:08:08.320 --> 01:08:10.360 Like, I would say for me, 1313 01:08:12.440 --> 01:08:14.200 I'm not, I don't know. 1314 01:08:14.200 --> 01:08:15.600 I'm in between. 1315 01:08:15.600 --> 01:08:18.080 So like, I can talk, you know, 1316 01:08:18.080 --> 01:08:22.080 but I'm not going to really start a conversation, I guess. 1317 01:08:22.640 --> 01:08:25.520 But we had a really good conversation. 1318 01:08:25.520 --> 01:08:27.560 We talked about a lot of things. 1319 01:08:27.560 --> 01:08:29.760 You know, we were there for like, 1320 01:08:29.760 --> 01:08:32.359 close to four hours just eating and talking. 1321 01:08:32.359 --> 01:08:34.319 I know, it was nice. 1322 01:08:34.319 --> 01:08:35.520 I was like, wow. 1323 01:08:38.120 --> 01:08:38.960 Yeah. 1324 01:08:38.960 --> 01:08:42.560 So we talked a little bit about like, you know, family, 1325 01:08:42.560 --> 01:08:44.600 and he's adopted. 1326 01:08:44.600 --> 01:08:47.240 He was adopted when he was three months old. 1327 01:08:47.240 --> 01:08:48.840 He has a Jewish mom. 1328 01:08:48.840 --> 01:08:50.359 So he was adopted by, 1329 01:08:50.800 --> 01:08:51.800 Wow. 1330 01:08:51.800 --> 01:08:53.399 A Jewish woman, yeah. 1331 01:08:53.399 --> 01:08:54.240 That's his mom. 1332 01:08:54.240 --> 01:08:55.279 You know, he's had her, 1333 01:08:55.279 --> 01:08:57.920 he's been with her since he was three months old, 1334 01:08:57.920 --> 01:09:00.399 but he's El Salvadorian. 1335 01:09:00.399 --> 01:09:01.279 Okay. 1336 01:09:01.279 --> 01:09:02.200 Yeah. 1337 01:09:03.160 --> 01:09:07.080 And so, yeah, we talked about that. 1338 01:09:07.080 --> 01:09:08.800 He has a 10 year old daughter. 1339 01:09:08.800 --> 01:09:09.640 He's divorced. 1340 01:09:09.640 --> 01:09:11.080 I don't know how long he's been divorced for us, 1341 01:09:11.080 --> 01:09:15.520 although I still have like a lot of questions to ask him. 1342 01:09:15.520 --> 01:09:19.800 And yeah, so I'm still getting to know him. 1343 01:09:21.200 --> 01:09:25.080 I think I am learning like a lot of things about myself 1344 01:09:26.359 --> 01:09:27.479 in this process, 1345 01:09:27.479 --> 01:09:32.479 because he's like different than what I'm used to 1346 01:09:33.479 --> 01:09:37.840 in terms of like how we communicate or connect, right? 1347 01:09:37.840 --> 01:09:41.359 So I don't really know his communication style like that, 1348 01:09:41.359 --> 01:09:46.359 because we had been chatting on the app for like a few weeks 1349 01:09:46.800 --> 01:09:51.800 like text messages, and then he was doing voice notes. 1350 01:09:53.000 --> 01:09:58.000 And then, so we moved off of the app after the date, 1351 01:09:58.120 --> 01:10:00.120 and then we still haven't had like a. 1352 01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.240 conversation on the phone. 1353 01:10:03.240 --> 01:10:06.480 So it seems like he's matching my energy. 1354 01:10:06.480 --> 01:10:10.040 So if I text him, he texts me. 1355 01:10:10.040 --> 01:10:13.120 If I voice note him, he voice notes me. 1356 01:10:13.120 --> 01:10:15.760 And I mean, the messages that he sends me, 1357 01:10:15.760 --> 01:10:18.040 that I would say they're really thoughtful. 1358 01:10:18.040 --> 01:10:22.840 He tells me how his day's been, and what he's doing, 1359 01:10:22.840 --> 01:10:25.240 and plans, and blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. 1360 01:10:25.240 --> 01:10:31.560 So yeah, so we're going to meet on Friday. 1361 01:10:31.560 --> 01:10:33.480 I told him Friday would be a better day for me, 1362 01:10:33.480 --> 01:10:34.320 because I'm off. 1363 01:10:34.320 --> 01:10:37.920 And he wants to go on a walk with me. 1364 01:10:37.920 --> 01:10:41.280 It's a trail near my house, the community trail or whatever. 1365 01:10:41.280 --> 01:10:43.280 And I think the weather should be good for that. 1366 01:10:43.280 --> 01:10:46.040 It's not going to be too hot or anything. 1367 01:10:46.040 --> 01:10:53.280 So yeah, so with these messages, I'm 1368 01:10:53.600 --> 01:10:58.040 I'm not used to it, because I'm used to constant texting, 1369 01:10:58.040 --> 01:11:00.560 back and forth, calls. 1370 01:11:00.560 --> 01:11:01.640 You know what I'm saying? 1371 01:11:01.640 --> 01:11:05.960 And I'm like, he's different. 1372 01:11:05.960 --> 01:11:06.560 I don't know. 1373 01:11:06.560 --> 01:11:10.400 So I guess it's something that I kind of have to get used to, 1374 01:11:10.400 --> 01:11:12.320 like somebody not blowing up my phone. 1375 01:11:12.840 --> 01:11:20.480 But yeah, it's just different. 1376 01:11:20.480 --> 01:11:23.280 I don't know. 1377 01:11:23.280 --> 01:11:30.880 And then I was doing this thing where, so I went away to Georgia 1378 01:11:30.880 --> 01:11:31.840 over the weekend. 1379 01:11:31.840 --> 01:11:38.000 I went from Thursday, came back on Sunday, 1380 01:11:38.000 --> 01:11:39.440 came back on Sunday. 1381 01:11:39.440 --> 01:11:44.120 And we chatted the day that I arrived, 1382 01:11:44.120 --> 01:11:46.480 because whatever, he wished me well and all that stuff. 1383 01:11:46.480 --> 01:11:51.520 And so when I came back, I let him know I came back. 1384 01:11:51.520 --> 01:11:52.840 I sent him a message and stuff. 1385 01:11:52.840 --> 01:11:57.200 And I didn't hear from him until the very next day. 1386 01:11:57.200 --> 01:12:00.040 And then he sent me a voicemail telling me 1387 01:12:00.040 --> 01:12:02.440 that he had spent the day with his daughter. 1388 01:12:02.440 --> 01:12:04.440 They went to the fair and whatever, 1389 01:12:04.440 --> 01:12:06.840 spent the whole day out and stuff, 1390 01:12:06.840 --> 01:12:09.200 and didn't get home till late. 1391 01:12:09.200 --> 01:12:11.400 And whatever, just updating me and stuff. 1392 01:12:11.400 --> 01:12:16.400 But it's just my mind just kind of went somewhere else. 1393 01:12:16.400 --> 01:12:17.280 You know what I mean? 1394 01:12:17.280 --> 01:12:18.920 I'm just like, what the heck? 1395 01:12:18.920 --> 01:12:24.160 Why aren't I hearing from him and all that stuff, whatever? 1396 01:12:24.160 --> 01:12:25.840 And I'm just like, oh, man, I don't even 1397 01:12:25.840 --> 01:12:26.960 know what's going on here. 1398 01:12:26.960 --> 01:12:28.720 Do we still have plans? 1399 01:12:28.720 --> 01:12:30.720 It's just, ugh. 1400 01:12:30.720 --> 01:12:32.520 And I'm just like, I don't know. 1401 01:12:32.520 --> 01:12:33.840 It's just different. 1402 01:12:33.840 --> 01:12:36.960 So it's just interesting that. 1403 01:12:37.000 --> 01:12:42.400 But he's consistent in communicating with me. 1404 01:12:42.400 --> 01:12:47.480 It's just not like right away or when I expect it. 1405 01:12:47.480 --> 01:12:49.800 It's just different. 1406 01:12:49.800 --> 01:12:50.520 I don't know. 1407 01:12:50.520 --> 01:12:52.840 And so, yeah. 1408 01:12:52.840 --> 01:12:58.440 So I guess when we meet on Friday, 1409 01:12:58.440 --> 01:13:00.160 get to know each other a little bit more. 1410 01:13:00.160 --> 01:13:02.120 But I guess what I'm trying to say, too, 1411 01:13:02.120 --> 01:13:11.080 is that he's moving at a pace that I'm not used to at all. 1412 01:13:11.080 --> 01:13:18.080 And I think for me, I just want to move forward fast. 1413 01:13:18.080 --> 01:13:20.360 I'm like, I want to know what's going on. 1414 01:13:20.360 --> 01:13:22.880 I want to know your communication style. 1415 01:13:22.880 --> 01:13:23.560 What's going on? 1416 01:13:23.560 --> 01:13:26.040 What are you doing today? 1417 01:13:26.040 --> 01:13:28.640 I want to know all that. 1418 01:13:28.640 --> 01:13:30.120 But at the same time, I still need 1419 01:13:30.120 --> 01:13:31.880 to know who this person is. 1420 01:13:31.880 --> 01:13:33.160 I don't even know if I like this person. 1421 01:13:33.160 --> 01:13:34.040 You know what I mean? 1422 01:13:34.040 --> 01:13:38.640 I just know that our first date was pretty awesome. 1423 01:13:38.640 --> 01:13:42.600 And yeah. 1424 01:13:42.600 --> 01:13:43.840 That's so good. 1425 01:13:43.840 --> 01:13:45.320 How old is he? 1426 01:13:45.320 --> 01:13:47.000 He's 45. 1427 01:13:47.000 --> 01:13:49.280 And does he live near you? 1428 01:13:49.280 --> 01:13:50.360 Yeah, he's not far. 1429 01:13:50.360 --> 01:13:54.240 He lives not even 20 minutes from me. 1430 01:13:54.240 --> 01:13:55.680 Oh, that's good. 1431 01:13:55.680 --> 01:13:57.400 I think this is good for you. 1432 01:13:57.400 --> 01:13:59.800 I like that he's pacing things differently for you. 1433 01:13:59.800 --> 01:14:03.920 That's how I had to actually learn pacing, 1434 01:14:03.920 --> 01:14:07.280 through someone like a guy showing up a different way. 1435 01:14:07.280 --> 01:14:09.120 And it was like, wait a minute. 1436 01:14:09.120 --> 01:14:11.200 And so you're like, what is he doing? 1437 01:14:11.200 --> 01:14:11.800 Is he married? 1438 01:14:11.800 --> 01:14:13.240 Is he this, is he this, is he this? 1439 01:14:13.240 --> 01:14:13.720 Why is he? 1440 01:14:13.720 --> 01:14:16.880 You realize like, whoa. 1441 01:14:16.880 --> 01:14:17.800 I know. 1442 01:14:17.800 --> 01:14:19.280 I was just like, whoa. 1443 01:14:19.280 --> 01:14:20.680 I need to slow down. 1444 01:14:20.680 --> 01:14:23.880 I'm just like, this is. 1445 01:14:23.880 --> 01:14:25.760 Like, I had to keep checking myself. 1446 01:14:25.760 --> 01:14:27.560 I'm like, what? 1447 01:14:28.560 --> 01:14:31.280 He comes and he'll leave me these thoughtful messages 1448 01:14:31.280 --> 01:14:33.560 and calm and cool and just. 1449 01:14:36.360 --> 01:14:38.120 Yeah. 1450 01:14:38.120 --> 01:14:39.400 That's good. 1451 01:14:39.400 --> 01:14:40.360 I think that's good. 1452 01:14:40.360 --> 01:14:44.400 And who knows where this is going to go. 1453 01:14:44.400 --> 01:14:46.360 But whatever you glean from it, if you 1454 01:14:46.360 --> 01:14:48.400 have to glean something from it to take with you 1455 01:14:48.400 --> 01:14:51.120 in another part of journey, it is pacing. 1456 01:14:51.120 --> 01:14:52.600 Pacing is good. 1457 01:14:52.600 --> 01:14:54.960 I like when I don't have to slow a person down 1458 01:14:54.960 --> 01:14:56.640 and they actually carry a pace. 1459 01:14:56.640 --> 01:15:01.360 And even when I want to hear from them, I just won't do it. 1460 01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:06.000 Um, I don't like what it feels like when I've been talking to that person every day for 1461 01:15:06.000 --> 01:15:08.000 two weeks and now I don't talk to them anymore. 1462 01:15:08.000 --> 01:15:09.000 Oh gosh. 1463 01:15:09.000 --> 01:15:10.000 Yeah. 1464 01:15:10.000 --> 01:15:11.000 That's so true. 1465 01:15:11.000 --> 01:15:12.000 I don't even want to have to get over that. 1466 01:15:12.000 --> 01:15:13.000 I don't even want to have to get over it. 1467 01:15:13.000 --> 01:15:14.000 So let's not do it. 1468 01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:15.000 We ain't about to text all day. 1469 01:15:15.000 --> 01:15:16.000 We ain't about to talk all day. 1470 01:15:16.000 --> 01:15:17.000 And you know, and so. 1471 01:15:17.000 --> 01:15:18.000 That's very true. 1472 01:15:18.000 --> 01:15:19.000 That's very true. 1473 01:15:19.000 --> 01:15:20.000 Yeah. 1474 01:15:20.000 --> 01:15:21.000 So I'm excited for you. 1475 01:15:21.000 --> 01:15:22.000 Let's see where this goes. 1476 01:15:22.000 --> 01:15:23.000 This is exciting. 1477 01:15:23.000 --> 01:15:24.000 Yeah. 1478 01:15:24.000 --> 01:15:25.000 I'll keep you posted. 1479 01:15:25.000 --> 01:15:26.000 Okay. 1480 01:15:26.000 --> 01:15:27.000 Yeah. 1481 01:15:27.000 --> 01:15:28.000 All right. 1482 01:15:28.000 --> 01:15:29.000 Sarah. 1483 01:15:29.000 --> 01:15:30.000 What? 1484 01:15:30.000 --> 01:15:31.000 Oh, wait. 1485 01:15:31.000 --> 01:15:32.000 It was a question though. 1486 01:15:32.000 --> 01:15:33.000 Was there a question or just update? 1487 01:15:33.000 --> 01:15:34.000 I do have a question. 1488 01:15:34.000 --> 01:15:35.000 Oh, sorry. 1489 01:15:35.000 --> 01:15:36.000 Not there. 1490 01:15:36.000 --> 01:15:37.000 I'm sorry, Sarah. 1491 01:15:37.000 --> 01:15:38.000 Hold on. 1492 01:15:38.000 --> 01:15:39.000 I jumped back to eat right quick. 1493 01:15:39.000 --> 01:15:40.000 Was there a question? 1494 01:15:40.000 --> 01:15:41.000 I don't think there's a question. 1495 01:15:41.000 --> 01:15:42.000 It's just updating. 1496 01:15:42.000 --> 01:15:43.000 Just, yeah. 1497 01:15:43.000 --> 01:15:44.000 Okay. 1498 01:15:44.000 --> 01:15:45.000 I don't have a question yet. 1499 01:15:45.000 --> 01:15:46.000 I just want to make sure. 1500 01:15:46.000 --> 01:15:47.000 I just want to make sure I didn't miss anything. 1501 01:15:47.000 --> 01:15:48.000 Yeah. 1502 01:15:48.000 --> 01:15:49.000 Yeah. 1503 01:15:49.000 --> 01:15:50.000 Thank you. 1504 01:15:50.000 --> 01:15:51.000 Oh, and you know, if you want to talk to me, you can. 1505 01:15:51.000 --> 01:15:52.000 You can. 1506 01:15:52.000 --> 01:15:53.000 You can. 1507 01:15:53.000 --> 01:15:54.000 You can. 1508 01:15:54.000 --> 01:15:55.000 You can. 1509 01:15:55.000 --> 01:15:58.700 So, you know, if you want to talk on the phone, you can say to him like, Hey, I would enjoy 1510 01:15:58.700 --> 01:16:01.700 if we did some phone conversations, you can always do that. 1511 01:16:01.700 --> 01:16:02.700 Yeah. 1512 01:16:02.700 --> 01:16:05.300 I do plan on saying that to him on Friday. 1513 01:16:05.300 --> 01:16:10.100 So that's why I'm like, okay, when we get together, you know, I know we'll be able to 1514 01:16:10.100 --> 01:16:13.520 talk more because it was so good in person, you know? 1515 01:16:13.520 --> 01:16:14.520 So I want to see. 1516 01:16:14.520 --> 01:16:15.520 Yeah. 1517 01:16:15.520 --> 01:16:16.520 Yeah. 1518 01:16:16.520 --> 01:16:17.520 How, how he likes to communicate. 1519 01:16:17.520 --> 01:16:18.520 But I will say that though. 1520 01:16:18.520 --> 01:16:23.720 Like I would like to, if you like it, if you like it, then it needs to get built in. 1521 01:16:23.720 --> 01:16:24.720 Okay. 1522 01:16:24.920 --> 01:16:25.920 Okay. 1523 01:16:25.920 --> 01:16:26.920 Yeah. 1524 01:16:26.920 --> 01:16:27.920 Cool. 1525 01:16:27.920 --> 01:16:28.920 Go for it. 1526 01:16:28.920 --> 01:16:29.920 Thank you. 1527 01:16:29.920 --> 01:16:30.920 You're welcome. 1528 01:16:30.920 --> 01:16:31.920 All right. 1529 01:16:31.920 --> 01:16:32.920 Hi, everybody. 1530 01:16:32.920 --> 01:16:38.160 I was just wondering about how much stock to put into text messages and the tone of 1531 01:16:38.160 --> 01:16:40.400 certain text messages. 1532 01:16:40.400 --> 01:16:46.120 I myself maybe have come off sounding gruffer than I meant to. 1533 01:16:46.120 --> 01:16:50.160 And I'm sure maybe the other person can maybe also have a certain tone that maybe they're 1534 01:16:50.160 --> 01:16:53.000 not meaning to. 1535 01:16:53.000 --> 01:16:58.120 You know, and I've even had a crazy question from a guy who off the bat, when I gave him 1536 01:16:58.120 --> 01:17:01.280 my second phone number, I finally set that up. 1537 01:17:01.280 --> 01:17:02.280 Yay. 1538 01:17:02.280 --> 01:17:06.520 Thank you through a text now app. 1539 01:17:06.520 --> 01:17:09.040 So that was awesome. 1540 01:17:09.040 --> 01:17:12.080 And I gave him my, my second phone number. 1541 01:17:12.080 --> 01:17:15.320 And then he off the bat was like, Hey, Sarah, how's it going? 1542 01:17:15.320 --> 01:17:18.160 He's like, so are, do you want to have babies? 1543 01:17:18.160 --> 01:17:19.160 Do you want to get pregnant? 1544 01:17:20.160 --> 01:17:26.160 I was just like, uh, how about we start with a lighter conversation first? 1545 01:17:26.160 --> 01:17:27.160 And he's like, okay, I'm sorry. 1546 01:17:27.160 --> 01:17:28.160 I'll back off. 1547 01:17:28.160 --> 01:17:31.480 And then I've tried to be like, well, we can still chat, but maybe we can have a lighter 1548 01:17:31.480 --> 01:17:34.360 conversation before we, you know, have a deeper one. 1549 01:17:34.360 --> 01:17:37.320 So anyways, I did give him the benefit of the doubt. 1550 01:17:37.320 --> 01:17:42.880 You know, I didn't write him off 100% or completely, but I have another guy that, um, he, he seemed 1551 01:17:42.880 --> 01:17:48.200 really cool, but I feel like something I had said maybe set him off. 1552 01:17:48.240 --> 01:17:54.280 And, um, and then he kind of has sound a little gruffer since, and then sounded a little petty 1553 01:17:54.280 --> 01:17:56.040 too. 1554 01:17:56.040 --> 01:17:59.720 So I'm not sure if it's just because it's through texting and it sounds a little, a 1555 01:17:59.720 --> 01:18:05.120 little like that through texting or, or if, uh, so maybe, maybe what I'm thinking and 1556 01:18:05.120 --> 01:18:06.560 maybe you can let me know your thoughts. 1557 01:18:06.560 --> 01:18:10.080 Like I was thinking of just suggesting, Hey, maybe we can have a phone conversation because 1558 01:18:10.080 --> 01:18:17.080 texting, uh, maybe give certain tones that are, or are not the case that we're trying 1559 01:18:17.080 --> 01:18:18.080 to convey. 1560 01:18:18.080 --> 01:18:20.760 Um, so what do you think about if we had a phone conversation? 1561 01:18:20.760 --> 01:18:24.160 Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. 1562 01:18:24.160 --> 01:18:25.160 Okay. 1563 01:18:25.160 --> 01:18:29.720 That way I'm not writing him off completely based off of a text, which, you know, he may 1564 01:18:29.720 --> 01:18:33.560 have or may not have met with a tone. 1565 01:18:33.560 --> 01:18:37.880 He may have not had meant to convey or may not have meant to convey. 1566 01:18:37.880 --> 01:18:38.880 That's true. 1567 01:18:38.880 --> 01:18:42.960 And another thing you can do, if you want to move to a phone conversation, you should 1568 01:18:42.960 --> 01:18:44.640 very well do it. 1569 01:18:44.640 --> 01:18:47.480 Another thing you can also do, if you're not ready to move to a phone conversation, 1570 01:18:47.480 --> 01:18:51.080 you can say, I kind of heard this this way. 1571 01:18:51.080 --> 01:18:53.080 Is this what you were meaning? 1572 01:18:53.080 --> 01:18:54.080 Yeah. 1573 01:18:54.080 --> 01:18:55.080 Were you implying this? 1574 01:18:55.080 --> 01:18:56.320 So you can always clear that up. 1575 01:18:56.320 --> 01:19:00.680 And even when you see when you send one, you can say, this is going to sound rough. 1576 01:19:00.680 --> 01:19:04.920 So I'm just telling you, it's not in a rough way, but this is what I want to say. 1577 01:19:04.920 --> 01:19:11.880 And another thing I want you to know, like some women can be rude, that's true, but masculine 1578 01:19:11.880 --> 01:19:15.680 men can handle stuff. 1579 01:19:15.680 --> 01:19:21.680 You're not dealing with babies and they can stay in some heat. 1580 01:19:21.680 --> 01:19:25.200 You know, people have to be mature enough to ask questions in return. 1581 01:19:25.200 --> 01:19:28.680 I took it this way, is this what you meant? 1582 01:19:28.680 --> 01:19:33.160 Was this a joke or was this a real question? 1583 01:19:33.160 --> 01:19:38.320 You know, like even the guy about babies, like, wow, don't know where you got that joke 1584 01:19:38.320 --> 01:19:39.320 from. 1585 01:19:39.320 --> 01:19:40.320 How's your day going? 1586 01:19:40.760 --> 01:19:46.160 Just like, you know, you can blow out what he said as if I would respond to you. 1587 01:19:46.160 --> 01:19:47.160 Right. 1588 01:19:47.160 --> 01:19:48.160 It's foolish. 1589 01:19:48.160 --> 01:19:50.480 So if it was a joke, how's your day going? 1590 01:19:50.480 --> 01:19:53.480 Because I certainly took it as a joke, buddy. 1591 01:19:53.480 --> 01:19:54.480 Yeah, exactly. 1592 01:19:54.480 --> 01:19:55.480 Maybe a little horny. 1593 01:19:55.480 --> 01:19:56.480 No, I'm just kidding. 1594 01:19:56.480 --> 01:19:57.480 I don't know. 1595 01:19:57.480 --> 01:20:00.000 It was very like, oh my God. 1596 01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:00.840 Gosh. 1597 01:20:04.880 --> 01:20:06.440 Yeah, that's strange. 1598 01:20:06.440 --> 01:20:09.000 Yeah, it was a very awkward question. 1599 01:20:09.000 --> 01:20:10.360 Yeah, for sure. 1600 01:20:10.360 --> 01:20:11.440 Wow. 1601 01:20:11.440 --> 01:20:14.920 But yeah, you can always say what you're gonna say. 1602 01:20:14.920 --> 01:20:16.240 Yeah, okay. 1603 01:20:16.240 --> 01:20:18.360 Cause yeah, and I should feel free to, 1604 01:20:18.360 --> 01:20:20.420 cause I felt like we had a connection. 1605 01:20:21.680 --> 01:20:23.440 He said, you know, would you like to have, 1606 01:20:23.440 --> 01:20:24.680 could we exchange phone numbers 1607 01:20:24.680 --> 01:20:27.600 or if you're not comfortable right now? 1608 01:20:27.600 --> 01:20:31.240 And I said, okay, yeah, maybe in a couple of days, 1609 01:20:31.240 --> 01:20:32.960 cause I was trying to scramble to get that, 1610 01:20:32.960 --> 01:20:34.960 you know, second phone number. 1611 01:20:34.960 --> 01:20:37.280 And then when I followed up with him, 1612 01:20:37.280 --> 01:20:38.560 I said, okay, here's my number. 1613 01:20:38.560 --> 01:20:39.400 And I said, you know, and I, 1614 01:20:39.400 --> 01:20:42.120 it's not that I wasn't comfortable, you know, 1615 01:20:42.120 --> 01:20:44.920 it was more so that I was trying, I was honest. 1616 01:20:44.920 --> 01:20:46.460 I was trying to get a second phone number 1617 01:20:46.460 --> 01:20:48.160 and I was having a problem with doing that. 1618 01:20:48.160 --> 01:20:50.640 So I finally did it, you know, and I, you know, 1619 01:20:50.640 --> 01:20:52.280 I said, that's just where I'm at. 1620 01:20:52.280 --> 01:20:55.620 So, you know, I didn't want to like over explain 1621 01:20:55.620 --> 01:20:58.740 and try to, but I was just being honest. 1622 01:20:58.740 --> 01:21:00.900 And then he texted me on Sunday 1623 01:21:00.900 --> 01:21:03.220 and Sunday I really just like to unplug. 1624 01:21:03.220 --> 01:21:07.140 And I did, I did check to see if he texted and he did, 1625 01:21:07.140 --> 01:21:09.820 but I was kind of like, let me respond Monday. 1626 01:21:09.820 --> 01:21:11.460 And so I responded Monday 1627 01:21:11.460 --> 01:21:13.180 and then he was late getting back to me. 1628 01:21:13.180 --> 01:21:14.980 So I texted again, 1629 01:21:14.980 --> 01:21:16.300 cause I was excited about talking to him, 1630 01:21:16.300 --> 01:21:18.380 but then I felt like he was kind of 1631 01:21:18.380 --> 01:21:19.220 putting me off a little bit 1632 01:21:19.220 --> 01:21:20.460 because I put him off the next day. 1633 01:21:20.460 --> 01:21:24.340 So then his response was, can I read you his response? 1634 01:21:24.340 --> 01:21:25.540 Yeah, go for it. 1635 01:21:25.540 --> 01:21:29.060 Okay, so his response was, 1636 01:21:29.060 --> 01:21:31.860 let me get into the app real quick. 1637 01:21:31.860 --> 01:21:33.660 Okay, so he said, 1638 01:21:36.900 --> 01:21:40.100 sorry guys, he said, 1639 01:21:40.100 --> 01:21:43.060 yeah, he said, so we were talking about how, 1640 01:21:43.060 --> 01:21:44.520 you know, schedules can be tricky. 1641 01:21:44.520 --> 01:21:47.420 He said, yeah, technically it's crazy sometimes at first, 1642 01:21:47.420 --> 01:21:49.100 I thought that I, and he's, 1643 01:21:49.100 --> 01:21:51.340 he's from originally from Honduras. 1644 01:21:51.340 --> 01:21:54.300 Yeah, technically it's crazy sometimes at first 1645 01:21:55.060 --> 01:21:56.380 I thought that I wasn't sending text messages 1646 01:21:56.380 --> 01:21:57.200 to the right number 1647 01:21:57.200 --> 01:21:59.700 because it took some time for you to reply, 1648 01:21:59.700 --> 01:22:01.260 but I guess you were busy. 1649 01:22:01.260 --> 01:22:03.580 Ha ha ha, it happens to me as well. 1650 01:22:03.580 --> 01:22:04.980 Wow, sounds, and then I told him 1651 01:22:04.980 --> 01:22:07.100 I was going to be doing a lot of banana bread baking. 1652 01:22:07.100 --> 01:22:09.500 He says, wow, sounds like you have a lot of work to do, 1653 01:22:09.500 --> 01:22:12.020 but I guess you've been through that before. 1654 01:22:12.020 --> 01:22:13.380 I'm sure you can handle it. 1655 01:22:15.580 --> 01:22:17.820 Yeah, he was kind of slick saying like, 1656 01:22:17.820 --> 01:22:21.180 hey, it took your whole day to respond. 1657 01:22:21.180 --> 01:22:22.380 Yeah. 1658 01:22:22.380 --> 01:22:23.220 Yeah. 1659 01:22:23.380 --> 01:22:24.420 I told him I take Sundays. 1660 01:22:24.420 --> 01:22:26.660 I just kind of unplug on Sundays. 1661 01:22:26.660 --> 01:22:28.220 I told him before I said it, 1662 01:22:28.220 --> 01:22:29.780 I totally sound about not understand 1663 01:22:29.780 --> 01:22:31.660 about not being able to follow up same day. 1664 01:22:31.660 --> 01:22:33.820 I tend to like to take texting, cell phone, 1665 01:22:33.820 --> 01:22:37.260 checking breaks from my phone all day on Sundays. 1666 01:22:37.260 --> 01:22:39.420 And I know things can get busy in our lives 1667 01:22:39.420 --> 01:22:42.360 on some days more than others, LOL. 1668 01:22:42.360 --> 01:22:43.600 Yeah, that was good. 1669 01:22:43.600 --> 01:22:45.500 I like that you just share back with him like, 1670 01:22:45.500 --> 01:22:48.120 hey, I take this day for myself. 1671 01:22:48.120 --> 01:22:48.960 Yeah. 1672 01:22:48.960 --> 01:22:49.780 I think that's good. 1673 01:22:49.780 --> 01:22:52.740 And he was just, it lets you know that he noticed it, 1674 01:22:52.740 --> 01:22:55.620 that you didn't respond, you know, so. 1675 01:22:55.620 --> 01:22:56.460 Yeah. 1676 01:22:56.460 --> 01:22:57.380 So don't take it personal. 1677 01:22:57.380 --> 01:23:00.620 Don't take it as a, like he's being kind of like, 1678 01:23:00.620 --> 01:23:01.900 I don't know, a little rude, 1679 01:23:01.900 --> 01:23:04.260 but more so that he was trying to communicate 1680 01:23:04.260 --> 01:23:06.540 and then I can just communicate back. 1681 01:23:07.500 --> 01:23:09.340 Do you think that was worthy of a tone? 1682 01:23:09.340 --> 01:23:10.780 Cause I want to be able to be myself, 1683 01:23:10.780 --> 01:23:15.340 but I feel like he is- 1684 01:23:15.340 --> 01:23:16.260 It sounds like he said, 1685 01:23:16.260 --> 01:23:19.140 I really wanted to hear from you and I didn't. 1686 01:23:19.140 --> 01:23:20.520 That's what I heard. 1687 01:23:20.520 --> 01:23:21.860 Okay. 1688 01:23:21.900 --> 01:23:23.220 Yeah. 1689 01:23:23.220 --> 01:23:24.060 Okay. 1690 01:23:24.060 --> 01:23:24.900 And so usually I make- 1691 01:23:24.900 --> 01:23:26.420 I want to talk to him too. 1692 01:23:26.420 --> 01:23:27.260 Yeah. 1693 01:23:27.260 --> 01:23:28.340 And so you can always leave it there. 1694 01:23:28.340 --> 01:23:30.140 So usually if I make a person wait, 1695 01:23:30.140 --> 01:23:31.300 when I reach out to them the next day, 1696 01:23:31.300 --> 01:23:32.140 I'll be like, good morning. 1697 01:23:32.140 --> 01:23:34.820 I was so happy to see you messaged me yesterday. 1698 01:23:34.820 --> 01:23:36.700 I was so tempted to message you back, 1699 01:23:36.700 --> 01:23:38.620 but it was my day of rest and recovery. 1700 01:23:38.620 --> 01:23:41.180 So I couldn't do it, but I'm here now. 1701 01:23:41.180 --> 01:23:44.740 How was yesterday and what do you have going on today? 1702 01:23:44.740 --> 01:23:45.580 Okay. 1703 01:23:45.580 --> 01:23:46.700 So kind of being real about having, 1704 01:23:46.700 --> 01:23:49.460 wanting to talk with him, but not, you know, 1705 01:23:49.460 --> 01:23:51.580 having to take a break that day. 1706 01:23:52.180 --> 01:23:53.020 I like that. 1707 01:23:53.020 --> 01:23:53.840 Cool. 1708 01:23:53.840 --> 01:23:54.940 Thank you very much, Ebony. 1709 01:23:54.940 --> 01:23:55.780 You're welcome. 1710 01:23:55.780 --> 01:23:58.180 I'm so happy for you getting back out there. 1711 01:23:58.180 --> 01:23:59.180 Thank you. 1712 01:23:59.180 --> 01:24:00.660 You're welcome. 1713 01:24:00.660 --> 01:24:01.660 All right. 1714 01:24:01.660 --> 01:24:02.500 Daisy. 1715 01:24:06.180 --> 01:24:09.740 Daisy, I wrote your name down before you raised your hand, 1716 01:24:09.740 --> 01:24:11.860 cause I was going to ask you to, 1717 01:24:11.860 --> 01:24:14.380 to come on the mic for me. 1718 01:24:14.380 --> 01:24:17.300 Can I share with you some coaching about when you gave me 1719 01:24:17.300 --> 01:24:18.780 the other part of your story, 1720 01:24:18.780 --> 01:24:21.420 or do you want to talk about something else? 1721 01:24:22.140 --> 01:24:22.980 No, no. 1722 01:24:22.980 --> 01:24:23.820 Yeah. 1723 01:24:23.820 --> 01:24:25.220 I was going to give you an update and I had a question on 1724 01:24:25.220 --> 01:24:27.100 some, some dating stuff, 1725 01:24:27.100 --> 01:24:29.740 but I was also going to bring this up because I wanted to. 1726 01:24:29.740 --> 01:24:30.580 Okay. 1727 01:24:31.940 --> 01:24:32.780 Okay. 1728 01:24:32.780 --> 01:24:33.780 Go for it. 1729 01:24:33.780 --> 01:24:35.260 I was trying to, 1730 01:24:35.260 --> 01:24:38.580 what I wanted to say is that I wanted to hear more of your 1731 01:24:38.580 --> 01:24:41.700 heart around the matter because I still don't understand how 1732 01:24:41.700 --> 01:24:43.300 you're connecting. 1733 01:24:43.300 --> 01:24:44.140 Okay. 1734 01:24:44.140 --> 01:24:46.340 What your ex-husband was doing was very dis, 1735 01:24:46.340 --> 01:24:48.520 inappropriate and very dishonoring. 1736 01:24:49.360 --> 01:24:53.040 You think that, huh? 1737 01:24:54.600 --> 01:24:56.840 Is that, is that like, 1738 01:24:56.840 --> 01:24:59.840 sometimes I don't know if it's just me. 1739 01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.640 being too, like, rigid, or is that, like, whatever? 1740 01:25:04.640 --> 01:25:07.040 Well, if you said to your ex-husband, like, 1741 01:25:07.040 --> 01:25:09.720 this is something that makes me very uncomfortable, 1742 01:25:09.720 --> 01:25:13.120 and he continued to do it, it's his choice. 1743 01:25:13.120 --> 01:25:17.320 But sometimes that's not a hard compromise, you know? 1744 01:25:17.320 --> 01:25:20.200 Like, hey, you know, you're not comfortable with him 1745 01:25:20.200 --> 01:25:22.840 looking at nudity on a movie. 1746 01:25:22.840 --> 01:25:24.680 That's just not what you're comfortable with. 1747 01:25:24.680 --> 01:25:26.480 Now, he may can say, well, it's everywhere, 1748 01:25:26.480 --> 01:25:27.640 and it is everywhere. 1749 01:25:27.640 --> 01:25:31.960 But that makes you uncomfortable for whatever reason. 1750 01:25:31.960 --> 01:25:36.080 So, OK, but I'm not able to understand 1751 01:25:36.080 --> 01:25:40.600 how you're tying your husband's dishonor to this new guy. 1752 01:25:40.600 --> 01:25:43.120 Are you fearful that he won't honor what you ask, 1753 01:25:43.120 --> 01:25:45.640 that he won't see you, hear you, or know you? 1754 01:25:45.640 --> 01:25:48.760 Like, is that the connection? 1755 01:25:48.760 --> 01:25:50.840 I really don't know what the connection is. 1756 01:25:50.840 --> 01:25:54.520 It's because when I felt that, when 1757 01:25:54.520 --> 01:25:56.760 I was hearing about the teacher, my friend 1758 01:25:56.760 --> 01:25:59.560 was telling me about this other teacher's, like, 1759 01:25:59.560 --> 01:26:00.960 really great results. 1760 01:26:00.960 --> 01:26:03.400 And I was just trying to figure out, 1761 01:26:03.400 --> 01:26:04.960 where is this feeling coming from? 1762 01:26:04.960 --> 01:26:07.160 Like, my body was getting really tense, 1763 01:26:07.160 --> 01:26:10.440 and I was just trying to get to the root of that. 1764 01:26:10.440 --> 01:26:12.680 And I've been praying about it, you know, 1765 01:26:12.680 --> 01:26:14.800 going back to the hard work stuff. 1766 01:26:14.800 --> 01:26:22.720 And then I just got a memory of sitting, watching shows that, 1767 01:26:22.720 --> 01:26:25.800 one in particular I remember, and just 1768 01:26:25.800 --> 01:26:29.400 feeling that same sort of tense feeling in my body 1769 01:26:29.400 --> 01:26:32.280 whenever the scenes would come up. 1770 01:26:32.280 --> 01:26:35.320 And I don't know what the connection is. 1771 01:26:35.320 --> 01:26:37.640 I'm trying to figure out, where did it start? 1772 01:26:37.640 --> 01:26:41.480 What I want to know is, like, is this something wrong with me? 1773 01:26:41.480 --> 01:26:43.960 Like, why am I feeling this way? 1774 01:26:43.960 --> 01:26:45.920 Is this normal? 1775 01:26:45.920 --> 01:26:48.440 Like, most people would feel that way, most women. 1776 01:26:48.440 --> 01:26:51.520 Or is it just something wrong in me 1777 01:26:51.520 --> 01:26:55.160 that I'm feeling this way, like, uncomfortable? 1778 01:26:55.160 --> 01:26:57.480 In this situation. 1779 01:26:57.480 --> 01:26:59.400 In the situation with you with the man, 1780 01:26:59.400 --> 01:27:01.960 he's watching nudity? 1781 01:27:01.960 --> 01:27:05.120 Yeah, like, and it wasn't like porn or anything. 1782 01:27:05.120 --> 01:27:07.800 It was just a regular show. 1783 01:27:07.800 --> 01:27:09.720 It was funny some of the times. 1784 01:27:09.720 --> 01:27:14.720 But it was like, I always knew this one of the characters 1785 01:27:14.720 --> 01:27:17.280 was always, like, top was going to come off, 1786 01:27:17.280 --> 01:27:21.280 you know, full frontal, everything showing. 1787 01:27:21.400 --> 01:27:25.840 And I just didn't like that, that, you know, 1788 01:27:25.840 --> 01:27:28.360 we'd be watching that, he'd be watching that. 1789 01:27:28.360 --> 01:27:32.480 And so when I said it, I don't remember. 1790 01:27:32.480 --> 01:27:33.680 It was a long time ago. 1791 01:27:33.680 --> 01:27:38.360 But I just know that it continued for a while. 1792 01:27:38.360 --> 01:27:41.720 And how that connects to this new guy, 1793 01:27:41.720 --> 01:27:45.720 I think it was just a matter of, like, fear. 1794 01:27:45.720 --> 01:27:50.160 Everything feels different and good with this new guy. 1795 01:27:50.160 --> 01:27:51.760 Really, really good. 1796 01:27:53.480 --> 01:27:55.440 But I think it was just in the back of my mind, 1797 01:27:55.440 --> 01:27:58.920 like, it feels too good almost to be true, maybe, 1798 01:27:58.920 --> 01:28:01.600 that what if I'm missing something? 1799 01:28:01.600 --> 01:28:04.960 And what if, I don't know, you know, 1800 01:28:04.960 --> 01:28:09.920 it's like, we're later years down the road or something, 1801 01:28:09.920 --> 01:28:11.560 and this is just something 1802 01:28:11.560 --> 01:28:14.840 you don't usually bring up in dating, you know? 1803 01:28:14.840 --> 01:28:19.520 And if there's something wrong within me 1804 01:28:19.880 --> 01:28:24.280 that this situation happens again, you know, 1805 01:28:24.280 --> 01:28:27.080 it's like, is he gonna act the same way? 1806 01:28:27.080 --> 01:28:29.600 I know I'm jumping way ahead, 1807 01:28:29.600 --> 01:28:32.280 but I'm just trying to make the connections myself 1808 01:28:32.280 --> 01:28:34.960 and trying to figure out, like, 1809 01:28:34.960 --> 01:28:38.480 is this something that I need to get rid of 1810 01:28:38.480 --> 01:28:40.480 inside of me or what? 1811 01:28:40.480 --> 01:28:42.520 So how long have you been dating the guy? 1812 01:28:43.920 --> 01:28:48.520 This guy, it's coming up on a month. 1813 01:28:49.360 --> 01:28:54.360 And how often do y'all hang out or talk? 1814 01:28:56.520 --> 01:29:01.520 Yeah, we've had three in-person dates once a week, 1815 01:29:02.320 --> 01:29:05.200 and tomorrow is gonna be our fourth in-person date, 1816 01:29:05.200 --> 01:29:08.880 and maybe two FaceTime calls, 1817 01:29:08.880 --> 01:29:11.760 and then some other regular calls in between. 1818 01:29:11.760 --> 01:29:14.320 He texts every day, we text every day. 1819 01:29:14.680 --> 01:29:18.480 So it's, and he has respected my, 1820 01:29:18.480 --> 01:29:21.040 like when I've asked him not to call me dear 1821 01:29:21.040 --> 01:29:24.960 or just say a lot about the future stuff, 1822 01:29:24.960 --> 01:29:26.560 he has respected that. 1823 01:29:26.560 --> 01:29:30.400 He did slip up one time and apologized for it. 1824 01:29:31.640 --> 01:29:33.320 So I've noticed that he's just, 1825 01:29:33.320 --> 01:29:37.040 he's very consistent as far as communication, 1826 01:29:37.040 --> 01:29:39.920 which is very different from my ex-husband. 1827 01:29:39.920 --> 01:29:41.200 He was beginning like that, 1828 01:29:41.240 --> 01:29:44.360 but then later on, it just completely, 1829 01:29:44.360 --> 01:29:46.320 there was no communication at all. 1830 01:29:46.320 --> 01:29:48.280 So he's very different in that sense. 1831 01:29:48.280 --> 01:29:51.320 I'm just kind of like holding my breath. 1832 01:29:51.320 --> 01:29:54.200 I guess I don't want it to change. 1833 01:29:54.200 --> 01:29:57.920 He's been like this, you know, really good communicator, 1834 01:29:57.920 --> 01:30:00.120 and there's no signs showing he's. 1835 01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:05.780 Gonna change but I think it's just a little bit of fear in me coming up to say 1836 01:30:07.280 --> 01:30:11.800 What if he turns out to be kind of the same, you know, how long have you been divorced? 1837 01:30:14.440 --> 01:30:16.440 Since 1838 01:30:16.520 --> 01:30:19.640 Since last year, I think it was we've been said 1839 01:30:21.120 --> 01:30:23.440 the end of 2023 and 1840 01:30:24.480 --> 01:30:26.960 The divorce was finalized 1841 01:30:27.960 --> 01:30:29.960 2025 yeah, okay 1842 01:30:30.960 --> 01:30:32.960 How long were y'all married? 1843 01:30:34.120 --> 01:30:39.320 Seven years, okay, so I want to say that it is 1844 01:30:40.280 --> 01:30:43.720 Kind of very natural when you first get a divorce 1845 01:30:44.160 --> 01:30:48.820 To compare the people you're dating to to your husband as a measuring stick 1846 01:30:49.780 --> 01:30:52.360 So I don't want them to be like that because he was like this 1847 01:30:52.360 --> 01:30:54.180 I don't want them to be like this because he was like this 1848 01:30:54.180 --> 01:30:59.900 I'm scared that they're gonna but I don't want them to show signs of this and the further you get out from your divorce 1849 01:31:00.220 --> 01:31:02.540 The list least likely you're gonna do that 1850 01:31:02.820 --> 01:31:07.420 I'm speaking from experience and so when I first went out there when I first started dating people 1851 01:31:07.580 --> 01:31:14.140 Everything was like if he got any trait any trait any trait of what I said had in my marriage any trait 1852 01:31:14.140 --> 01:31:19.940 Um, I'm no. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope, but the further I got away from that 1853 01:31:19.940 --> 01:31:26.260 I don't measure any man by their marriage because they're not measurable by it. I 1854 01:31:27.100 --> 01:31:30.820 Measure people by my ability to make decisions 1855 01:31:34.500 --> 01:31:40.780 What do you mean by that meaning my judgment my my equipping my skill set 1856 01:31:40.900 --> 01:31:42.900 That's the measurement not them 1857 01:31:43.420 --> 01:31:45.820 I'm the measurer if that makes sense 1858 01:31:46.060 --> 01:31:50.860 I measured them by what I know what I will allow myself awareness what I know 1859 01:31:50.860 --> 01:31:54.460 I'm being toward doing and so what's happening here is 1860 01:31:55.620 --> 01:31:59.220 You're in partnership more with the relationship than you are with God 1861 01:31:59.800 --> 01:32:04.120 Because you're like, I hope he doesn't change. I hope he doesn't change. No, you hope he does change 1862 01:32:04.860 --> 01:32:07.600 If there's a change in him, you need to see it 1863 01:32:09.060 --> 01:32:14.620 If there's things you need to know you don't want to live in a fantasy till you get to I do no one is you're 1864 01:32:14.740 --> 01:32:18.220 Asking for perfection, but I'm giving you a full picture. Nobody's perfect 1865 01:32:19.300 --> 01:32:26.620 The common denominator in this is not somebody not like your ex-husband is you Daisy you do the choosing? 1866 01:32:29.220 --> 01:32:33.260 Whatever you whatever is gonna happen you're gonna have some hand in it 1867 01:32:35.060 --> 01:32:42.380 This man or relationships or things you enter to don't control you you're the denominator you're the controller 1868 01:32:43.300 --> 01:32:48.020 Right, and so I'm saying that to give you back or to we got to take back your power 1869 01:32:48.620 --> 01:32:53.580 Your ability to make decisions and you may be saying well, I don't want to make the wrong decision 1870 01:32:53.580 --> 01:32:58.260 I just hope everything goes. Okay. I just hope and when you start hoping like that, you'll ignore things 1871 01:32:58.860 --> 01:33:03.340 That you should have noticed that you should pay attention to and so I understand that 1872 01:33:04.100 --> 01:33:10.140 There's some fears coming up. But some of that fear is coming up from your self-talk. And when you say this is going really good 1873 01:33:10.140 --> 01:33:15.180 I just don't want anything to mess up. Well, the truth is you're only four weeks in 1874 01:33:16.220 --> 01:33:18.220 It's going four weeks good 1875 01:33:20.580 --> 01:33:23.340 Hear my language is going four weeks good 1876 01:33:24.740 --> 01:33:29.580 So if you wanna if you marry and you be married you're married to this person for the next 50 years 1877 01:33:29.580 --> 01:33:31.580 You're just four weeks good in 1878 01:33:36.780 --> 01:33:38.780 Four weeks good in 1879 01:33:40.140 --> 01:33:42.140 four weeks 1880 01:33:43.060 --> 01:33:45.060 That's it 1881 01:33:45.140 --> 01:33:49.620 30 days good in and I know it sounds like I'm saying the same thing 1882 01:33:49.620 --> 01:33:53.660 I'm taking it slow, but I need you to absorb it because you don't know him 1883 01:33:54.860 --> 01:33:56.860 You're getting to know him 1884 01:33:57.140 --> 01:34:01.560 but if you put the reason why fears are coming up because you may be placing some 1885 01:34:01.740 --> 01:34:08.220 Certainty in who he is and that's why you hope that it wouldn't change because you put a mark on it. You stamped it 1886 01:34:10.980 --> 01:34:13.780 Okay, kind of like what you were talking about earlier like 1887 01:34:14.500 --> 01:34:18.500 Is he the one or something like that? Yes. He the one is he the one is he the one? 1888 01:34:18.500 --> 01:34:20.180 I don't want to do this all over again 1889 01:34:20.180 --> 01:34:25.860 I don't want this is this like that kind of language if you hear it it gives a signal to you 1890 01:34:25.860 --> 01:34:28.200 This is not don't have the language 1891 01:34:29.500 --> 01:34:36.100 Identify the language in you when you hear it you remind yourself, even if he is the one I'm gonna pace and go through the process 1892 01:34:36.860 --> 01:34:43.220 Even if he is the one I'm gonna work the skills that I have I'm gonna look for fruit 1893 01:34:43.580 --> 01:34:51.140 I'm gonna take my time. I'm gonna continue to partner with God. I'm gonna be curious. Is it easy? No, is it worth it? Yes 1894 01:34:54.100 --> 01:35:00.060 Because you don't have to have a fear of getting married and getting divorced again if you operate in wisdom 1895 01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:09.920 You see, and wisdom is everything that you've been taught in this program. 1896 01:35:09.920 --> 01:35:13.320 And remind yourself that there's one thing that's really important that I want to share 1897 01:35:13.320 --> 01:35:14.320 with you. 1898 01:35:14.320 --> 01:35:19.800 Ladies, when we're dating, there are times when God brings great men just to restore 1899 01:35:19.800 --> 01:35:26.320 us back to the place that we need to be so that we can choose a well suitor, a really 1900 01:35:26.320 --> 01:35:28.160 good husband. 1901 01:35:28.160 --> 01:35:32.720 If you've had relationships that tear you down in the past, he'll send a good man along 1902 01:35:32.720 --> 01:35:38.080 that may not be your man to build you up to the place you need to be so your eyes can 1903 01:35:38.080 --> 01:35:39.920 see well. 1904 01:35:39.920 --> 01:35:44.680 Because if you don't get to the place of restoration, you will see crumbs and take them and eat 1905 01:35:44.680 --> 01:35:49.480 them as if they were a turkey and some dressing. 1906 01:35:49.480 --> 01:35:56.760 Because you were so used to crumbs and you never got restored back to the original order. 1907 01:35:56.760 --> 01:36:00.640 Maybe you never even had it when you chose the person you were with. 1908 01:36:00.640 --> 01:36:05.680 And so God is very intentional on bringing that restoration into your life. 1909 01:36:05.680 --> 01:36:10.360 And so if you talk to somebody you're four weeks good in and you get to eight weeks in 1910 01:36:10.360 --> 01:36:13.960 and you realize like, yeah, they're really good, but I just don't think they're best 1911 01:36:13.960 --> 01:36:14.960 suited for me. 1912 01:36:14.960 --> 01:36:18.400 You're going to cry your tears and you're going to release them and you're going to 1913 01:36:18.400 --> 01:36:25.640 be thankful for everything you enjoyed along the way. 1914 01:36:26.640 --> 01:36:33.320 I've had so many good men, godly men, to come into my life and pour so many wonderful things 1915 01:36:33.320 --> 01:36:38.680 into my life, to give me good things and good times and good dates and beautiful flowers. 1916 01:36:38.680 --> 01:36:41.600 I got some beautiful flowers sitting up on my counter right now. 1917 01:36:41.600 --> 01:36:44.160 They are beautiful. 1918 01:36:44.160 --> 01:36:47.360 When he gave them to me, I couldn't stop smiling, my jaws started hurting. 1919 01:36:47.360 --> 01:36:52.440 I was like, I can't stop smiling, my jaws are hurting and he bust out laughing. 1920 01:36:52.440 --> 01:36:58.760 And it's that joy of knowing that you are worth, you are worthy of a good time. 1921 01:36:58.760 --> 01:37:04.160 You are worth flowers, you are worth whatever they're pouring out. 1922 01:37:04.160 --> 01:37:08.920 They showed up like a man for you and in the past, maybe someone didn't show up in a masculine 1923 01:37:08.920 --> 01:37:09.920 order for you. 1924 01:37:09.920 --> 01:37:15.760 And so there's, I don't want you to put all of your ducks in one basket. 1925 01:37:15.760 --> 01:37:21.640 I don't want you to place certainty on this person, but I want you to enjoy the journey. 1926 01:37:21.840 --> 01:37:25.760 Every time you feel yourself becoming anxious or your nervous system wanting to put certainty 1927 01:37:25.760 --> 01:37:28.960 in a place where it should not belong, it only belongs to God. 1928 01:37:28.960 --> 01:37:32.240 You have to remind yourself that you're partnering with the Lord, you're not partnering with 1929 01:37:32.240 --> 01:37:33.960 that person. 1930 01:37:33.960 --> 01:37:39.480 Because when you switch partners, you are setting yourself up for a really, really hard 1931 01:37:39.480 --> 01:37:47.140 fall because then you start looking at them like, I thought we was in this together. 1932 01:37:47.140 --> 01:37:53.380 You don't know them enough to give them that type of leeway with you. 1933 01:37:53.380 --> 01:37:54.380 Yeah. 1934 01:37:54.380 --> 01:37:55.380 Okay. 1935 01:37:55.380 --> 01:37:56.380 Right? 1936 01:37:56.380 --> 01:37:57.380 That makes sense? 1937 01:37:57.380 --> 01:37:58.380 Yeah. 1938 01:37:58.380 --> 01:38:05.900 And so some of the things you have going on, it's just some of the things, these feelings, 1939 01:38:05.900 --> 01:38:06.900 it's your nervous system. 1940 01:38:06.900 --> 01:38:10.620 Your nervous system could be saying it doesn't feel safe for whatever reason, don't mean 1941 01:38:10.620 --> 01:38:12.220 you ignore your nervous system. 1942 01:38:12.220 --> 01:38:15.140 You just say, okay, this is an observation. 1943 01:38:15.140 --> 01:38:17.900 And he did something when I was around him, I didn't feel very safe. 1944 01:38:17.900 --> 01:38:20.020 Why is my nervous system responding this way? 1945 01:38:20.020 --> 01:38:21.020 Could it be just be a fear? 1946 01:38:21.020 --> 01:38:24.820 It could be just be a fear, but you don't have to put more weight on it than it should. 1947 01:38:24.820 --> 01:38:25.820 You acknowledge it. 1948 01:38:25.820 --> 01:38:28.820 And then you just keep your eyes open. 1949 01:38:28.820 --> 01:38:29.820 Okay. 1950 01:38:29.820 --> 01:38:30.820 Okay. 1951 01:38:30.820 --> 01:38:38.060 So, so you told me a little while ago, I am in control, like I have to get my control 1952 01:38:38.060 --> 01:38:39.060 back. 1953 01:38:39.060 --> 01:38:40.060 Right? 1954 01:38:40.060 --> 01:38:41.060 Okay. 1955 01:38:41.060 --> 01:38:42.060 Yeah. 1956 01:38:42.060 --> 01:38:45.060 So tomorrow's date, we're going to go to the movies. 1957 01:38:45.980 --> 01:38:50.260 And he works, he goes in at four. 1958 01:38:50.260 --> 01:38:55.420 So all of our dates have been like brunch or breakfast kind of thing. 1959 01:38:55.420 --> 01:38:58.100 And so we're going to the movies at 10. 1960 01:38:58.100 --> 01:39:03.740 And we're going to watch Moana, because that's available at 10. 1961 01:39:03.740 --> 01:39:10.260 And I told him, I'm not a huge fan of animated movies, but I'm sure we're gonna have a good 1962 01:39:10.260 --> 01:39:11.260 time. 1963 01:39:11.260 --> 01:39:15.300 Is that, like, is that okay? 1964 01:39:15.300 --> 01:39:22.620 Or is it like, sometimes I just don't know, like, if it's, if it's okay. 1965 01:39:22.620 --> 01:39:28.580 What I'm saying is, like, am I just being someone different to please him? 1966 01:39:28.580 --> 01:39:34.940 Or do I just say, nah, I don't like that type of movie, like, let's just wait till we can 1967 01:39:34.940 --> 01:39:38.140 find another one that that I like. 1968 01:39:38.140 --> 01:39:40.940 Well, two things can happen. 1969 01:39:40.940 --> 01:39:43.240 Why do you say he always do his dates in the daytime? 1970 01:39:43.240 --> 01:39:46.900 What did you say the reason why this is happening? 1971 01:39:46.900 --> 01:39:50.060 He works at he goes in to work at four. 1972 01:39:50.060 --> 01:39:51.060 Okay. 1973 01:39:51.060 --> 01:39:54.020 And unless it's the weekends, then I think... 1974 01:39:54.020 --> 01:39:55.020 Did we meet up? 1975 01:39:55.020 --> 01:39:57.420 I don't remember if we met up one of the weekends. 1976 01:39:57.420 --> 01:39:59.640 Oh, I got you. 1977 01:39:59.640 --> 01:40:00.020 So what you're... 1978 01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:01.160 Do as you decide. 1979 01:40:01.160 --> 01:40:03.320 Is it the movie that you're most interested in 1980 01:40:03.320 --> 01:40:05.440 or spending time with him? 1981 01:40:05.440 --> 01:40:06.880 Spending time with him. 1982 01:40:06.880 --> 01:40:07.440 OK. 1983 01:40:07.440 --> 01:40:09.520 So you may not be into Moana, but you 1984 01:40:09.520 --> 01:40:10.880 want to spend time with him. 1985 01:40:10.880 --> 01:40:13.920 And so I'm sure, I don't know if he's into Moana, 1986 01:40:13.920 --> 01:40:17.680 but maybe he's just doing it so y'all can spend time together. 1987 01:40:17.680 --> 01:40:19.200 If you don't want to go to a movie, 1988 01:40:19.200 --> 01:40:20.520 then you can pick something else you 1989 01:40:20.520 --> 01:40:22.000 want to do to spend your time with. 1990 01:40:22.000 --> 01:40:23.800 Say, I want to spend time with you. 1991 01:40:23.800 --> 01:40:25.040 How about we go to the park? 1992 01:40:25.040 --> 01:40:26.160 How about we go on a walk? 1993 01:40:26.160 --> 01:40:27.280 How about we go fishing? 1994 01:40:27.280 --> 01:40:29.440 I don't know what the weather is like where you are, 1995 01:40:29.440 --> 01:40:34.320 but you can suggest you all do something else at 10 AM. 1996 01:40:34.320 --> 01:40:35.520 OK. 1997 01:40:35.520 --> 01:40:36.040 Yeah. 1998 01:40:36.040 --> 01:40:37.480 I mean, we can definitely do that. 1999 01:40:37.480 --> 01:40:39.440 We've gone bowling before. 2000 01:40:39.440 --> 01:40:41.160 That was fun. 2001 01:40:41.160 --> 01:40:44.800 And the other couple of times, it's just we go out to eat. 2002 01:40:44.800 --> 01:40:47.320 So yeah. 2003 01:40:47.320 --> 01:40:49.920 So fishing, walking. 2004 01:40:49.920 --> 01:40:51.560 What else is open at 10 AM? 2005 01:40:54.920 --> 01:40:58.000 I was going to check into kayaking, 2006 01:40:58.000 --> 01:41:00.600 but I haven't done that. 2007 01:41:00.600 --> 01:41:03.160 But that could be an option. 2008 01:41:03.160 --> 01:41:04.920 OK. 2009 01:41:04.920 --> 01:41:06.680 Yeah. 2010 01:41:06.680 --> 01:41:09.240 The only other thing I was going to ask you about 2011 01:41:09.240 --> 01:41:15.240 is I am still on the dating app, a couple of them. 2012 01:41:15.240 --> 01:41:22.120 And he told me early on that he was going to get off of it. 2013 01:41:22.120 --> 01:41:26.240 And I told him, we're just getting to know each other. 2014 01:41:26.240 --> 01:41:27.800 I'm not there yet. 2015 01:41:28.400 --> 01:41:30.360 And so he has mentioned that a couple of times. 2016 01:41:30.360 --> 01:41:32.440 And I told him the same thing pretty much. 2017 01:41:32.440 --> 01:41:38.560 So I'm trying to also just have just chats with other guys. 2018 01:41:38.560 --> 01:41:41.960 But most of them are at least two hours away, maybe 2019 01:41:41.960 --> 01:41:44.440 two and a half hours or farther. 2020 01:41:44.440 --> 01:41:47.640 And I'm finding myself just, it's 2021 01:41:47.640 --> 01:41:52.320 kind of like it's just easier to continue with this guy. 2022 01:41:52.320 --> 01:41:54.080 He's only an hour away. 2023 01:41:54.080 --> 01:42:03.280 And so I don't know if that's kind of an unhealthy thing 2024 01:42:03.280 --> 01:42:04.680 to do, too. 2025 01:42:04.680 --> 01:42:07.560 But should I put more emotional investment 2026 01:42:07.560 --> 01:42:12.160 in really trying to get to know these other guys on the apps? 2027 01:42:12.160 --> 01:42:14.680 I've asked a couple of them to go on video chats 2028 01:42:14.680 --> 01:42:16.680 because I just say it's really hard 2029 01:42:16.680 --> 01:42:20.400 to get to know somebody through just text messages. 2030 01:42:20.400 --> 01:42:23.600 And a couple of them had said yes. 2031 01:42:23.600 --> 01:42:25.960 But not today or whatever. 2032 01:42:25.960 --> 01:42:31.320 And I just never pursued actually trying to do that. 2033 01:42:31.320 --> 01:42:33.320 Because I think, like I said, it's just easier 2034 01:42:33.320 --> 01:42:38.000 with this guy who's actually in, I can see him in person. 2035 01:42:38.000 --> 01:42:42.480 And he's making an effort every day. 2036 01:42:42.480 --> 01:42:47.200 So what do you think? 2037 01:42:47.200 --> 01:42:50.800 So he's mentioned to you about coming out the apps. 2038 01:42:50.800 --> 01:42:52.520 You can ask him, say, hey, I noticed 2039 01:42:52.520 --> 01:42:56.440 you keep mentioning about coming out the apps. 2040 01:42:56.440 --> 01:43:00.280 When you say this, it makes me, what are you wanting to say? 2041 01:43:00.280 --> 01:43:03.440 You need to ask him to say whatever he wants to say. 2042 01:43:03.440 --> 01:43:06.480 Then you can explain to him that before you 2043 01:43:06.480 --> 01:43:08.080 go exclusive with someone, you like 2044 01:43:08.080 --> 01:43:10.920 to give it about, whatever you're 2045 01:43:10.920 --> 01:43:12.880 going to pick, 70 to 90 days. 2046 01:43:12.880 --> 01:43:15.200 If you think you might want to go exclusive with him, 2047 01:43:15.200 --> 01:43:17.680 you can change it from 90 days to 70. 2048 01:43:17.680 --> 01:43:19.240 You can say, this is a conversation 2049 01:43:19.280 --> 01:43:23.160 we can revisit in 70 days, or whatever your days are. 2050 01:43:23.160 --> 01:43:26.200 Whatever you are now, say, hey, I wouldn't mind, 2051 01:43:26.200 --> 01:43:28.200 we can revisit an exclusive conversation, 2052 01:43:28.200 --> 01:43:29.520 because that's what he's saying. 2053 01:43:29.520 --> 01:43:33.240 You say, coming out the apps to me speaks of exclusivity. 2054 01:43:33.240 --> 01:43:35.360 If that's where you're going with this, 2055 01:43:35.360 --> 01:43:37.160 this is a conversation I would rather 2056 01:43:37.160 --> 01:43:39.120 entertain at this particular date 2057 01:43:39.120 --> 01:43:41.640 or any time after this date. 2058 01:43:41.640 --> 01:43:44.680 So date on the calendar, pull it up, count out the days, 2059 01:43:44.680 --> 01:43:47.520 give him the date on the calendar. 2060 01:43:47.520 --> 01:43:48.120 OK. 2061 01:43:48.120 --> 01:43:49.000 Yeah, I can do that. 2062 01:43:49.000 --> 01:43:51.920 He basically said that he was doing that. 2063 01:43:51.920 --> 01:43:55.240 He was coming off of the apps, because he just 2064 01:43:55.240 --> 01:43:59.960 wanted to focus on this relationship. 2065 01:43:59.960 --> 01:44:02.680 So. 2066 01:44:02.680 --> 01:44:03.320 That's good. 2067 01:44:03.320 --> 01:44:06.200 He can do that. 2068 01:44:06.200 --> 01:44:07.760 You've been honest with him. 2069 01:44:07.760 --> 01:44:10.880 I think sometimes, I've shared with people, 2070 01:44:10.880 --> 01:44:13.760 this is how I date. 2071 01:44:13.760 --> 01:44:17.360 I spend this much time in this process, in this phase, 2072 01:44:17.360 --> 01:44:20.360 and I go exclusive at this time, if you're interested. 2073 01:44:20.360 --> 01:44:24.360 If we make it there, that's the time for this conversation. 2074 01:44:24.360 --> 01:44:25.080 OK. 2075 01:44:25.080 --> 01:44:26.360 Yeah, sometimes. 2076 01:44:26.360 --> 01:44:29.040 Yeah, and sometimes I'm not even talking to anybody else. 2077 01:44:29.040 --> 01:44:31.360 But I'm not going to go exclusive with you, because I'm 2078 01:44:31.360 --> 01:44:32.560 not talking to somebody else. 2079 01:44:32.560 --> 01:44:34.120 I may talk to somebody else. 2080 01:44:34.120 --> 01:44:36.280 I may not have time to juggle multiple people, 2081 01:44:36.280 --> 01:44:38.560 but I'm not going to say I'm coming out the app. 2082 01:44:38.560 --> 01:44:40.320 I'm not going to say that it's just us. 2083 01:44:40.320 --> 01:44:41.840 If you want to go exclusive with me, 2084 01:44:41.840 --> 01:44:43.120 you're going to open up your mouth, 2085 01:44:43.120 --> 01:44:44.720 and you're going to come to me like a man, 2086 01:44:44.720 --> 01:44:46.800 and you're going to share what you want to do. 2087 01:44:47.480 --> 01:44:49.480 That's how that's going to work. 2088 01:44:49.480 --> 01:44:50.600 It's not going to be hints. 2089 01:44:50.600 --> 01:44:51.520 I'm coming out the app. 2090 01:44:51.520 --> 01:44:52.320 OK, great. 2091 01:44:56.200 --> 01:44:57.120 Yeah. 2092 01:44:57.120 --> 01:44:58.600 I think you done went with it. 2093 01:44:58.600 --> 01:45:00.160 Yeah. 2094 01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:05.000 Okay, sounds good. Thank you so much for all your feedback. 2095 01:45:05.000 --> 01:45:12.240 Oh, you're welcome. And Daisy, I do think too, is some more, I can't dig through it 2096 01:45:12.240 --> 01:45:19.160 now with some of the things, the way you felt about your ex-husband watching things on television, 2097 01:45:19.160 --> 01:45:27.240 that could be tied to some ways you feel about bodies, your body, or even your believer and 2098 01:45:27.240 --> 01:45:32.040 what you guard your eyes against. So there's some little avenues that we didn't get a chance 2099 01:45:32.040 --> 01:45:36.500 to discuss, but they are discussable. It's just that time is moving along. And so I don't 2100 01:45:36.500 --> 01:45:41.100 know which one is, we have to dig a bit more, but there is something there. And so because 2101 01:45:41.100 --> 01:45:44.720 if you're going to still have that stance, I want you to understand where that comes 2102 01:45:44.720 --> 01:45:49.480 from in you, so that when you enter into marriage again, you can be able to share before you 2103 01:45:49.480 --> 01:45:53.120 even go into marriage, how you feel about that. And that is something that your spouse 2104 01:45:53.120 --> 01:45:59.960 can honor. Does that make sense? Just because of one of the things for me, just because 2105 01:45:59.960 --> 01:46:04.880 of the consecration on my life, I don't watch anything. I don't listen to anything. It's 2106 01:46:04.880 --> 01:46:10.160 not going to happen. Especially not nudity. I'm not going to even listen to too much cursing. 2107 01:46:10.160 --> 01:46:14.920 It's not that I'm so super this, it's just because of the consecration on my life. And 2108 01:46:14.920 --> 01:46:22.160 that's me, may not be somebody else. And me, I wouldn't have super pornographic things. 2109 01:46:22.200 --> 01:46:27.000 I don't care if it even isn't a movie in my house. That's just how it works. And so there's 2110 01:46:27.000 --> 01:46:31.360 some things that have to be worked through, but you find out what the source of it is. 2111 01:46:31.360 --> 01:46:35.480 And so there is definitely something there and I don't want, you can post in the app 2112 01:46:35.480 --> 01:46:40.200 and we can kind of try to work through it a little bit more to nail it down. So you'll 2113 01:46:40.200 --> 01:46:47.200 know. Yes, thank you. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, you're welcome. All right. And 2114 01:46:47.680 --> 01:46:52.560 ladies, all of you guys, you definitely are free to go. We're over time. So don't feel 2115 01:46:52.560 --> 01:46:57.120 like you have to hang around. I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to say that. Go ahead, 2116 01:46:57.120 --> 01:47:02.200 Laura. Hey, Daisy. Also, if you check out what Karen put in the chat, she said that 2117 01:47:02.200 --> 01:47:07.440 you can go to farmer markets or sometimes have free museums open during the day or e-bikes. 2118 01:47:07.440 --> 01:47:14.440 So she gave you some ideas in there. Oh, awesome. Thank you, Karen. Yes, Laura. How's it going? 2119 01:47:15.440 --> 01:47:22.440 It's going. Yeah. So like some of the coaching that you've given people like have given me 2120 01:47:25.800 --> 01:47:30.960 like food for thought. But because Wade and I like, well, yeah, we did start out dating 2121 01:47:30.960 --> 01:47:35.240 and now we're like just hanging out because I'm still trying to figure out like my feelings 2122 01:47:35.240 --> 01:47:41.240 for him. But we are at like 90 days because we started like dating like mid-April. So 2123 01:47:41.760 --> 01:47:48.760 yeah, how do I like because like I don't know, there was a situation that happened at our 2124 01:47:50.720 --> 01:47:57.480 Rotary meeting yesterday and I kind of had this moment where like I was jealous. I was 2125 01:47:57.480 --> 01:48:03.000 like, what? Whatever. I don't know. He he brought like this woman to our meeting just 2126 01:48:03.000 --> 01:48:10.000 as a visitor. And like I initially like I was like kind of like I was like, excuse me. 2127 01:48:12.040 --> 01:48:19.040 He yeah. But by the time like. Yeah, I wanted to like talk to him at the end of the meeting 2128 01:48:19.360 --> 01:48:23.840 or whatever, she had already left. She and he said like as he was walking in, because 2129 01:48:23.840 --> 01:48:28.680 I'm one of the secretaries, so like I check people in and whatever, and he like introduced 2130 01:48:28.680 --> 01:48:34.120 her to me and like our other people at the front table or whatever. And he said that 2131 01:48:34.120 --> 01:48:38.760 I'm not sure I didn't find out like how they met, but she is part of some like she has 2132 01:48:38.760 --> 01:48:45.760 some swim business or something in town or whatever. I don't know. So yeah, so I was 2133 01:48:46.600 --> 01:48:52.800 like, well, is that like kind of a sign that like I am having like more feelings for him 2134 01:48:52.800 --> 01:48:58.120 than like I guess I thought that I initially did or something? I don't know. Women are 2135 01:48:58.120 --> 01:49:05.120 territorial for sure. I mean, all right. Way to make you look jealous. I like it. I like 2136 01:49:09.760 --> 01:49:16.760 it. I was like I was trying to like decide like, yeah, like how like I don't know. But 2137 01:49:18.520 --> 01:49:22.560 I mean, he did reach out to me last night because like I have had like a trying past 2138 01:49:22.560 --> 01:49:29.560 few days or whatever, because. Yeah, I have this friend that I've known for like at least 2139 01:49:29.840 --> 01:49:35.760 the past 15 years or whatever, and her name is Christy, and I was texting him last week 2140 01:49:35.760 --> 01:49:38.760 or whatever that I was trying to like get together with her. And then I found out on 2141 01:49:38.760 --> 01:49:45.760 Sunday that that she died on Friday last week or whatever. And yeah, she was only in her 2142 01:49:46.160 --> 01:49:51.880 mid 50s and she left behind. Yeah, well, her husband committed suicide. Well, she was assaulted 2143 01:49:51.880 --> 01:49:55.840 in our town like almost two years ago. And like her husband was like really struggling 2144 01:49:55.840 --> 01:50:00.080 and with what had happened to her. And yeah. 2145 01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:02.120 I don't think he was getting like the support that he needed. 2146 01:50:02.120 --> 01:50:05.480 And so like, yeah, he just like stepped out into traffic and an 2147 01:50:05.480 --> 01:50:08.440 oncoming car like hit him like two years ago, whatever. And so 2148 01:50:08.440 --> 01:50:11.160 now like both of her kids like have lost both their parents or 2149 01:50:11.160 --> 01:50:16.760 whatever. So like, I've just really been like upset about 2150 01:50:16.760 --> 01:50:21.240 that. Yeah, like she was a really close friend. And like 2151 01:50:21.240 --> 01:50:23.800 her her oldest, like went to school with my son from like 2152 01:50:23.800 --> 01:50:26.240 elementary school through like high school. And so I've known 2153 01:50:26.240 --> 01:50:29.520 her for like many years. And I knew her husband. And like, I 2154 01:50:29.520 --> 01:50:31.880 know both her kids more like her older daughter, whatever. 2155 01:50:31.880 --> 01:50:34.880 But um, but Wade has been very supportive because like he knew 2156 01:50:34.880 --> 01:50:36.800 that I had been like trying to like reach out to connect with 2157 01:50:36.800 --> 01:50:41.640 my friends. And and then yeah, like I told him like when I 2158 01:50:41.640 --> 01:50:47.480 found out on Sunday, yeah, that like, um, yeah, that I was like 2159 01:50:47.480 --> 01:50:50.080 devastated because like, it was weird because I got this text 2160 01:50:50.080 --> 01:50:53.920 while I was at church from the sky. He just said that his name 2161 01:50:53.920 --> 01:50:57.520 was Brent. And well, he did say that he was Christie's brother 2162 01:50:57.520 --> 01:50:59.400 and he wanted me to like reach out to him. So I called him 2163 01:50:59.400 --> 01:51:04.840 when I got home. And yeah, he said that. Yeah, they think that 2164 01:51:04.840 --> 01:51:10.240 she died of natural causes. She was at home. And, and I feel 2165 01:51:10.240 --> 01:51:13.480 really bad because her 20 year old daughter was the one that 2166 01:51:13.480 --> 01:51:18.200 like founder. Oh, no. Yeah. And her son just graduated from high 2167 01:51:18.200 --> 01:51:21.560 school in June. And he's like going to college in September. 2168 01:51:21.560 --> 01:51:25.720 And I know it's just I went by Sunday afternoon and I spoke 2169 01:51:25.720 --> 01:51:30.440 with the daughter and yeah, and just and also like told the 2170 01:51:30.440 --> 01:51:35.640 brother when I spoke to him on Sunday, that yeah, that I'm here 2171 01:51:35.640 --> 01:51:41.200 to like support them and whatever. But um, yeah, so I'm 2172 01:51:41.200 --> 01:51:47.040 trying to to figure out because, because also like about Wade or 2173 01:51:47.040 --> 01:51:49.920 whatever, because I'm like, I've told you before that like, he's 2174 01:51:49.920 --> 01:51:52.440 the only guy that I've dated since like, I got divorced eight 2175 01:51:52.440 --> 01:51:57.640 years ago. And so like, in my mind, I mean, like some of the 2176 01:51:57.640 --> 01:51:59.760 things that you were telling other people earlier, whatever 2177 01:51:59.760 --> 01:52:03.680 is that, um, yeah, and I even told Wade that I do appreciate 2178 01:52:03.680 --> 01:52:08.000 that, like, he's such a kind and considerate man that, that he 2179 01:52:08.000 --> 01:52:10.840 has, like, given me hope that there are still good men out 2180 01:52:10.840 --> 01:52:13.760 there, whatever, because that that was my struggle for like, 2181 01:52:13.760 --> 01:52:16.240 the past, like seven and a half years of being like deathly 2182 01:52:16.240 --> 01:52:23.240 afraid of dating or whatever. And so um, yeah, I mean, he did 2183 01:52:23.240 --> 01:52:28.000 have like, I guess a yellow flag that like, kind of like stood 2184 01:52:28.000 --> 01:52:32.480 out to me last week or whatever I connected with, um, I don't 2185 01:52:32.480 --> 01:52:35.240 know, some of the other ladies in the program or whatever. And 2186 01:52:36.400 --> 01:52:41.600 because he, I think he was triggered by because his 2187 01:52:41.600 --> 01:52:46.360 daughter, she, she got into drugs. And when she was 16, and 2188 01:52:46.880 --> 01:52:50.040 there was an 18 year old guy, like the daughter was like 2189 01:52:50.040 --> 01:52:53.160 sneaking out of the house. So when I when I told him like had 2190 01:52:53.160 --> 01:52:56.840 this conversation with him last week, on the phone about like, 2191 01:52:56.880 --> 01:52:59.960 Christine, her situation of going to the police department 2192 01:52:59.960 --> 01:53:04.320 in our town, and her sergeant, like had her on like, a 2193 01:53:04.320 --> 01:53:07.560 recorded line. And she because she knows the guy that assaulted 2194 01:53:07.560 --> 01:53:10.520 her, and she had this phone number. And so like, after the 2195 01:53:10.520 --> 01:53:13.600 police department, like she called the guy actually admitted 2196 01:53:13.960 --> 01:53:16.920 that he did like a seltzer, but like nothing ever happened or 2197 01:53:16.920 --> 01:53:20.200 whatever. And so when I mentioned that, like, way just 2198 01:53:20.200 --> 01:53:24.120 like, totally, like, lost it or whatever. And he like whipped in 2199 01:53:24.120 --> 01:53:27.280 the conversation and tell me about what happened with his 2200 01:53:27.280 --> 01:53:34.400 daughter and how she snuck out of the house. And him and his 2201 01:53:34.440 --> 01:53:39.280 ex wife. Well, his wife at the time or whatever they went, they 2202 01:53:39.280 --> 01:53:41.360 had cops in their car to like, go see if they could find her. 2203 01:53:41.360 --> 01:53:43.760 And she was actually like, just three blocks away or whatever. 2204 01:53:44.480 --> 01:53:48.280 Sitting smoking marijuana with this 18 year old guy like that 2205 01:53:48.680 --> 01:53:52.840 she had bought the drugs from. And he so he like he stopped the 2206 01:53:52.840 --> 01:53:55.200 car and he told his wife to like, because like the daughter 2207 01:53:55.200 --> 01:53:57.360 started running off in one direction and like the other guy 2208 01:53:57.360 --> 01:54:00.680 and the guy like in the opposite direction or whatever. And so he 2209 01:54:00.680 --> 01:54:02.920 told the wife to go get the daughter which she did and went 2210 01:54:02.920 --> 01:54:06.480 home and whatever. And he like, he nabbed the guy or whatever. 2211 01:54:06.480 --> 01:54:09.880 And he, he called the cops. So like, initially, two cops showed 2212 01:54:09.880 --> 01:54:14.840 up or whatever. And then for whatever reason, like two other 2213 01:54:14.840 --> 01:54:20.600 cops showed up or whatever. But he and I did have a follow up 2214 01:54:20.600 --> 01:54:23.440 conversation with them or whatever, because, like, I was 2215 01:54:23.480 --> 01:54:26.200 shocked because like, he's never like sworn before, like, 2216 01:54:26.200 --> 01:54:28.640 whatever. And so when he was like, telling me the story, 2217 01:54:28.640 --> 01:54:30.840 which I mean, I know I told him, I'm like, yeah, it was a very 2218 01:54:30.840 --> 01:54:36.000 upsetting story. But he's like, he grabbed the guy and he like, 2219 01:54:36.600 --> 01:54:39.760 well, the officer like arrest, well, they put him like they put 2220 01:54:39.760 --> 01:54:42.600 handcuffs on him, put him in like the police cruiser or 2221 01:54:42.600 --> 01:54:46.720 whatever. And then the young guy wanted to call his dad. So the 2222 01:54:46.720 --> 01:54:51.200 cop let him call his dad, the dad shows up. And Wade literally 2223 01:54:51.200 --> 01:54:56.120 threatened, both the young man and the dad. And he said that he 2224 01:54:56.120 --> 01:54:59.200 would, he would F and kill them both. If 2225 01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:02.800 son ever approached his daughter again or whatever. 2226 01:55:02.800 --> 01:55:07.960 And so that really freaked me out or whatever, 2227 01:55:07.960 --> 01:55:13.040 because the ex, my ex, was very volatile. 2228 01:55:13.040 --> 01:55:16.480 He had a very angry temper periodically. 2229 01:55:16.480 --> 01:55:18.560 We called him, well, I called him a Jekyll and Hyde 2230 01:55:18.560 --> 01:55:19.200 or whatever. 2231 01:55:19.200 --> 01:55:20.940 From one moment to the next, you wouldn't 2232 01:55:20.940 --> 01:55:22.320 know whether he was like. 2233 01:55:22.320 --> 01:55:27.640 And so I kind of questioned Wade about his comments, 2234 01:55:27.640 --> 01:55:31.320 because I told him that you've never swarmed. 2235 01:55:31.320 --> 01:55:35.080 And he did apologize or whatever. 2236 01:55:35.080 --> 01:55:42.880 But yeah, I mean, he did kind of justify to a certain degree, 2237 01:55:42.880 --> 01:55:46.320 because he's like, which I mean, yeah, I told him, 2238 01:55:46.320 --> 01:55:48.120 I've never been in a situation like that. 2239 01:55:48.120 --> 01:55:54.520 So to be so concerned about my child, 2240 01:55:54.520 --> 01:55:57.080 because he said that, yeah, his daughter, 2241 01:55:57.080 --> 01:55:59.360 she almost lost her life a couple of different times. 2242 01:55:59.360 --> 01:56:02.000 And it was just a very scary time or whatever. 2243 01:56:02.000 --> 01:56:04.800 So I don't know. 2244 01:56:04.800 --> 01:56:07.560 OK. 2245 01:56:07.560 --> 01:56:10.760 So you know, that's not a yellow flag. 2246 01:56:10.760 --> 01:56:13.600 That's just him being a man and protecting his daughter, 2247 01:56:13.600 --> 01:56:15.520 probably. 2248 01:56:15.520 --> 01:56:17.880 Men respond differently than women. 2249 01:56:17.880 --> 01:56:19.720 I don't believe that speaks to him. 2250 01:56:19.720 --> 01:56:21.160 It speaks to if he gets angry. 2251 01:56:21.160 --> 01:56:24.680 But everyone behaves a certain way when they get angry. 2252 01:56:24.680 --> 01:56:26.880 So you could call it a yellow flag 2253 01:56:26.880 --> 01:56:29.000 if you want to compare him to your ex-husband, 2254 01:56:29.000 --> 01:56:31.800 but he's not your ex-husband. 2255 01:56:31.800 --> 01:56:34.240 So I can see that you can come up with that. 2256 01:56:34.240 --> 01:56:36.720 And if he does get upset and use curse words, 2257 01:56:36.720 --> 01:56:39.240 he has the right to get upset and use swear words. 2258 01:56:39.240 --> 01:56:41.240 He's an individual. 2259 01:56:41.240 --> 01:56:43.640 And so his life is not going to be fashioned 2260 01:56:43.640 --> 01:56:45.840 to fit what you're safe with, Laura. 2261 01:56:45.840 --> 01:56:50.160 But that doesn't mean that he, OK, he's an individual. 2262 01:56:50.160 --> 01:56:53.240 And then there has to be, you're going to, 2263 01:56:53.240 --> 01:56:55.960 I'm not saying that he doesn't have to be safe. 2264 01:56:55.960 --> 01:56:58.360 But I'm saying the way he handles things 2265 01:56:58.360 --> 01:57:04.120 don't have to fit into your diagram 2266 01:57:04.120 --> 01:57:06.560 of how he's supposed to respond. 2267 01:57:06.560 --> 01:57:08.000 Oh, I see. 2268 01:57:08.000 --> 01:57:08.880 Yeah. 2269 01:57:08.880 --> 01:57:11.560 And so the point is, up until this point, 2270 01:57:11.560 --> 01:57:13.960 Wade has always made you feel safe. 2271 01:57:13.960 --> 01:57:15.680 Like you've not had any reason to believe 2272 01:57:15.680 --> 01:57:18.120 he's not a safe person. 2273 01:57:18.120 --> 01:57:20.440 But now you do know if someone come along, 2274 01:57:20.440 --> 01:57:22.040 mess with his 16-year-old daughter, 2275 01:57:22.040 --> 01:57:24.640 he's going to give him the business. 2276 01:57:24.640 --> 01:57:26.400 And if somebody, if you wanted to, 2277 01:57:26.400 --> 01:57:28.000 I can connect you with something else. 2278 01:57:28.000 --> 01:57:30.200 If somebody came up in your house to do harm to you, 2279 01:57:30.200 --> 01:57:31.760 he's going to give him the business 2280 01:57:31.760 --> 01:57:35.440 because he protects what he loves. 2281 01:57:35.440 --> 01:57:36.520 Right, yeah. 2282 01:57:36.520 --> 01:57:39.840 And no man is going to stand for an older boy. 2283 01:57:39.840 --> 01:57:41.800 You can imagine the things will come and say, 2284 01:57:41.800 --> 01:57:43.080 she probably had sex with him. 2285 01:57:43.080 --> 01:57:45.000 He probably trying to convince her to do this, 2286 01:57:45.000 --> 01:57:46.800 this, this, this, this, this. 2287 01:57:46.800 --> 01:57:48.280 So there's so many things in there. 2288 01:57:48.280 --> 01:57:51.080 So I wouldn't put a lot of weight on that. 2289 01:57:51.120 --> 01:57:54.560 Because you are at 90 days, you know, if you want to, 2290 01:57:54.560 --> 01:57:55.960 you can go back to him and say, 2291 01:57:55.960 --> 01:57:57.440 Wade, we've been talking for 90 days. 2292 01:57:57.440 --> 01:57:59.640 I know I put us back on the friendship route, 2293 01:57:59.640 --> 01:58:01.520 but I think it's time for us to discuss 2294 01:58:01.520 --> 01:58:03.320 if we're going to move forward. 2295 01:58:03.320 --> 01:58:05.880 I'm open to the conversation if you would like to have it. 2296 01:58:05.880 --> 01:58:07.960 And the reason why you're introducing the conversation 2297 01:58:07.960 --> 01:58:11.160 is because you did change it back to a friend. 2298 01:58:11.160 --> 01:58:12.680 But if you want to get, 2299 01:58:12.680 --> 01:58:14.640 at this point, it's time to make a decision 2300 01:58:14.640 --> 01:58:17.560 about if you're going to move forward with him or you're not. 2301 01:58:18.760 --> 01:58:19.960 Right, because at some point, 2302 01:58:19.960 --> 01:58:21.560 an emotional bond is going to come. 2303 01:58:21.560 --> 01:58:23.560 It is rightfully so for you to feel jealous 2304 01:58:23.560 --> 01:58:24.680 if he brought another woman. 2305 01:58:24.680 --> 01:58:26.680 It's nothing wrong with you about that. 2306 01:58:26.680 --> 01:58:28.440 You've been spending a great deal of time with him. 2307 01:58:28.440 --> 01:58:29.560 You enjoy him. 2308 01:58:29.560 --> 01:58:30.400 As far as you know, 2309 01:58:30.400 --> 01:58:32.040 there's not been another woman in the picture. 2310 01:58:32.040 --> 01:58:33.080 You're the woman. 2311 01:58:33.080 --> 01:58:35.320 He told you he had romantic interest in you. 2312 01:58:35.320 --> 01:58:36.480 You slowed it down and said, 2313 01:58:36.480 --> 01:58:37.640 you just want to be friends. 2314 01:58:37.640 --> 01:58:38.920 That's perfectly fine. 2315 01:58:38.920 --> 01:58:41.000 But now you're at 90 days and you realize 2316 01:58:41.000 --> 01:58:42.880 that he could have been with another woman. 2317 01:58:42.880 --> 01:58:44.520 And so there's something about him, 2318 01:58:44.520 --> 01:58:47.000 either you want to move forward or you don't. 2319 01:58:47.000 --> 01:58:49.320 But Laura, you can rightfully so have 2320 01:58:49.320 --> 01:58:50.840 that conversation with him. 2321 01:58:50.840 --> 01:58:52.560 Say, we've been at it for three months. 2322 01:58:52.560 --> 01:58:53.880 I'm saying to you again, 2323 01:58:53.880 --> 01:58:56.120 so you can know we've been at it for three months. 2324 01:58:58.000 --> 01:59:01.360 You can say, I don't see us going further, 2325 01:59:01.360 --> 01:59:03.600 so I'm going to walk away now. 2326 01:59:03.600 --> 01:59:08.600 Or let's conversate about if we want to be exclusive. 2327 01:59:11.480 --> 01:59:13.360 Yeah, I mean, that kind of scares me, 2328 01:59:13.360 --> 01:59:15.440 being that he's been the only one. 2329 01:59:15.440 --> 01:59:16.800 So I don't know. 2330 01:59:17.560 --> 01:59:19.360 I've been trying to go to different things, 2331 01:59:19.360 --> 01:59:22.640 but I haven't really met somebody. 2332 01:59:22.640 --> 01:59:25.280 But I'm not saying that I'm like, 2333 01:59:25.280 --> 01:59:27.240 I'm not just trying to dismiss him, 2334 01:59:27.240 --> 01:59:29.320 because I'm like, I don't know the Lord's plan. 2335 01:59:29.320 --> 01:59:32.160 I'm like, maybe he is the one the Lord has for me 2336 01:59:32.160 --> 01:59:34.400 or whatever, I don't know. 2337 01:59:34.400 --> 01:59:36.520 Well, at this point, it's not about if he's the one 2338 01:59:36.520 --> 01:59:38.280 that the Lord has for you. 2339 01:59:38.280 --> 01:59:41.800 It's about you evaluating way and making a decision 2340 01:59:41.800 --> 01:59:43.240 if you want to move forward with him, 2341 01:59:43.240 --> 01:59:45.280 if this is something you would agree to. 2342 01:59:46.160 --> 01:59:48.960 So it's not about a mystery of God this or God that. 2343 01:59:48.960 --> 01:59:51.240 You can actually pray before you have a conversation 2344 01:59:51.240 --> 01:59:53.680 and ask the Lord to lead your conversation 2345 01:59:53.680 --> 01:59:56.160 or to show you, to give you wisdom. 2346 01:59:56.160 --> 01:59:58.880 Tell the Lord, I'm interested to know your thoughts 2347 01:59:58.880 --> 02:00:00.160 about way, viability. 2348 02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:03.840 God, I'm prepared to have this conversation with him. Thank you for wisdom. 2349 02:00:06.880 --> 02:00:12.800 Okay. Yeah. Right. And so if you haven't been crying about that lately. Yeah. Okay. 2350 02:00:12.800 --> 02:00:17.280 And so when you have the conversation with Wade about if you, if he wants to move forward in 2351 02:00:17.280 --> 02:00:22.720 exclusivity, then you need to have a conversation around what that means. So I need you to jot down 2352 02:00:22.720 --> 02:00:27.520 like when it's your timeline for marriage, you're not just getting in another exclusive, you're not 2353 02:00:27.520 --> 02:00:31.600 getting an exclusive relationship to stay in for two years. It doesn't mean that you're saying 2354 02:00:31.600 --> 02:00:35.920 we're going to get married on this date next year, but what is the timeline? What does that look like? 2355 02:00:37.600 --> 02:00:41.520 So you have the conversation that when I go exclusive, I come out the market, 2356 02:00:41.520 --> 02:00:45.440 I date for marriage at this point. And so wait, what, 2357 02:00:45.440 --> 02:00:50.080 when do you see yourself desiring marriage to actually be married again? Right. 2358 02:00:50.480 --> 02:00:55.280 And then you make sure that you let him know that if y'all do move forward in exclusivity, 2359 02:00:55.280 --> 02:01:00.480 you're going to give a closer eye to some things because your mind is, you're headed toward marriage. 2360 02:01:02.720 --> 02:01:07.120 And so meaning you may bring us some things that have a little more concern than you did in the 2361 02:01:07.120 --> 02:01:14.560 first 90 days. Well, yeah, cause I would definitely want to have that conversation 2362 02:01:15.040 --> 02:01:22.400 also about like his like church attendance. Yeah. Right. And so, you know, after y'all agree, 2363 02:01:22.400 --> 02:01:25.760 you're not going to have church attendance, the conversation before you agree to go exclusive, 2364 02:01:25.760 --> 02:01:31.600 before you explain to him what exclusivity means to you and you explain to him that you are dating 2365 02:01:31.600 --> 02:01:36.000 for marriage. And so you already know when you want to be married, you asked him what's his 2366 02:01:36.000 --> 02:01:40.480 timeline on marriage. And then that point, you're going to make a decision about if you want to move 2367 02:01:40.640 --> 02:01:45.040 forward in exclusivity with him or not. Cause if he says two years, you, are you, are you wanting 2368 02:01:45.040 --> 02:01:50.160 to date him for two years before you marry him? No, no. So you're going to say, Hey, I had more 2369 02:01:50.160 --> 02:01:55.280 in mind. I don't know what you have in mind a year, nine months, 10 months, whatever you have 2370 02:01:55.280 --> 02:02:01.040 in mind, you're gonna say, those were my thoughts. Um, and, uh, if this is not something we can align 2371 02:02:01.040 --> 02:02:08.480 on, I don't think it's best that we move forward. Hmm. Right. Right. And then you're going to say, 2372 02:02:09.280 --> 02:02:13.360 right. And then he'll get to speak his piece. He'll get to share what he wants to share. 2373 02:02:13.360 --> 02:02:16.880 And so this is a really important conversation. One that you want to take your time on. 2374 02:02:16.880 --> 02:02:21.440 You want to have all your stuff laid out, but you don't want to start talking about like, 2375 02:02:21.440 --> 02:02:26.240 you know, and it says we go exclusive on these and you cross over. Then you start 2376 02:02:26.240 --> 02:02:33.920 talking about more important things. Okay. Sounds good. Yes. Okay. Let me know what you 2377 02:02:33.920 --> 02:02:41.600 decide and let me know how it goes. Okay. I will do that. Okay. All right. You're welcome. 2378 02:02:41.600 --> 02:02:47.040 You hung in there. It's been a long night, Nikki. So good to see you. Um, shoot me a, uh, 2379 02:02:47.040 --> 02:02:53.120 it make us so good. Send me an email, Nikki, give me an update and you, you too, Rachel, 2380 02:02:53.120 --> 02:03:00.080 I guess Rachel, I owe you an update, huh? Um, yeah, I did respond. You did. I didn't respond to 2381 02:03:00.080 --> 02:03:11.280 you. Um, my response was really short, but yeah. Um, um, yeah, but I'll, I'll, I was trying to 2382 02:03:11.280 --> 02:03:18.400 work my really short response not to sound really, um, uh, I don't know. Okay. It can be truthful. 2383 02:03:19.120 --> 02:03:26.560 Okay. You can just tell me what you think. Um, I wouldn't, I think the question on tables was 2384 02:03:26.560 --> 02:03:33.120 returning back to, uh, uh, level two. Um, and I think I said this in one of the other ones 2385 02:03:33.680 --> 02:03:37.760 that you weigh out what a person has already said to you and take them at their word. 2386 02:03:39.680 --> 02:03:45.680 Yeah, I've, I've, that's something that I've shared with another friend of mine, 2387 02:03:45.680 --> 02:03:50.400 because I said, because I was telling her that out of the heart, the mouth speaks. 2388 02:03:51.200 --> 02:04:02.480 So I couldn't forget that. Um, but one of the things that was suggested to me was 2389 02:04:04.720 --> 02:04:12.960 it's to take that and put it as a flag, put that as a flag without, without denying that it was said 2390 02:04:13.040 --> 02:04:22.400 and, and watch pay attention. Um, so I mean, we're not interacting much anymore. So it's like, 2391 02:04:22.400 --> 02:04:28.080 to me, I don't feel like, um, I don't know. I just don't feel like I'm dating to be honest. 2392 02:04:28.080 --> 02:04:32.320 Well, that's good. As long as you have this stance and you're not in a hopeful position 2393 02:04:32.320 --> 02:04:36.000 and you're not letting his words navigate, you're dating other people. 2394 02:04:36.000 --> 02:04:40.480 And you are, no, that's why I was, that's why I asked you the question because I got, 2395 02:04:40.480 --> 02:04:43.760 wait, you didn't see my latest update. I got back on the apps. 2396 02:04:44.320 --> 02:04:48.160 Oh no, I didn't know you put that on there. Yeah. You did. I don't know if you said you 2397 02:04:48.160 --> 02:04:58.880 were going to, or you are. Oh, good. Good. That's my only, that's my only thoughts. Cause even more 2398 02:04:58.880 --> 02:04:59.840 than my thoughts is true. You 2399 02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:02.400 could have been on the apps and still holding on to that. 2400 02:05:02.400 --> 02:05:03.840 And I just didn't want that. 2401 02:05:03.840 --> 02:05:08.080 I'm like, because of the level that y'all had in friendship, 2402 02:05:08.080 --> 02:05:10.800 I was like, it's a lot enmeshed in there. 2403 02:05:10.800 --> 02:05:14.680 And so I just want to be clear, it's like, eh. 2404 02:05:14.680 --> 02:05:16.960 So I'm glad that you're moving on because that 2405 02:05:16.960 --> 02:05:18.920 wasn't enough to move on. 2406 02:05:18.920 --> 02:05:22.520 I mean, I'm not like, I'm leaving the door open, 2407 02:05:22.520 --> 02:05:24.080 like I said in the email. 2408 02:05:24.080 --> 02:05:28.920 But I'm not like, having, I'm not like this. 2409 02:05:28.920 --> 02:05:31.960 I don't have my face like this. 2410 02:05:31.960 --> 02:05:35.440 Like, oh, like, no. 2411 02:05:35.440 --> 02:05:37.920 Yeah, I mean, if we connect, we connect. 2412 02:05:37.920 --> 02:05:40.040 But you know. 2413 02:05:40.040 --> 02:05:42.160 Yeah. 2414 02:05:42.160 --> 02:05:43.280 Does that make sense? 2415 02:05:43.280 --> 02:05:44.720 That was my only concern. 2416 02:05:44.720 --> 02:05:45.640 Yeah. 2417 02:05:45.640 --> 02:05:54.160 And I think that separation also created distance for me. 2418 02:05:54.160 --> 02:05:57.440 Like, just even, I can give you a quick example. 2419 02:05:57.440 --> 02:06:01.080 So I was supposed to go to New Jersey to do something 2420 02:06:01.080 --> 02:06:02.320 that I was invited to. 2421 02:06:02.320 --> 02:06:05.560 And then, so we talked one of the days. 2422 02:06:05.560 --> 02:06:09.120 And he was like, oh, why, like, you didn't go to New Jersey? 2423 02:06:09.120 --> 02:06:14.120 And I was like, oh, it's a multifactorial reason, right? 2424 02:06:14.120 --> 02:06:14.640 Yeah. 2425 02:06:14.640 --> 02:06:17.440 And he was like, hmm, like, you answered the question, 2426 02:06:17.440 --> 02:06:19.720 but kind of like you're being vague. 2427 02:06:19.720 --> 02:06:21.320 Yeah. 2428 02:06:21.320 --> 02:06:23.080 I didn't say that to him. 2429 02:06:23.080 --> 02:06:26.640 But I'm like, but you're the one who asked for space. 2430 02:06:26.880 --> 02:06:28.080 I don't want to go deep. 2431 02:06:28.080 --> 02:06:29.800 Like, I'm keeping it surface level. 2432 02:06:29.800 --> 02:06:30.640 That's right. 2433 02:06:30.640 --> 02:06:31.520 That's right, Rachel. 2434 02:06:31.520 --> 02:06:32.680 That's right. 2435 02:06:32.680 --> 02:06:34.400 But I didn't say it outright, you know? 2436 02:06:34.400 --> 02:06:35.680 But it's true. 2437 02:06:35.680 --> 02:06:36.760 What I said wasn't a lie. 2438 02:06:36.760 --> 02:06:37.920 It was multifactorial. 2439 02:06:37.920 --> 02:06:41.200 But if I was going deeper, then maybe I 2440 02:06:41.200 --> 02:06:43.000 could have shed my heart a little bit deeper 2441 02:06:43.000 --> 02:06:46.480 because it was about family and so much more than just, 2442 02:06:46.480 --> 02:06:47.080 I didn't go. 2443 02:06:47.080 --> 02:06:47.880 You know what I mean? 2444 02:06:47.880 --> 02:06:51.120 So there were multiple factors that went 2445 02:06:51.120 --> 02:06:52.880 into me making the decision. 2446 02:06:52.880 --> 02:06:58.400 But he could see that I wasn't being open and sharing 2447 02:06:58.400 --> 02:06:59.680 at a deeper level. 2448 02:06:59.680 --> 02:07:03.520 Right, but he didn't get the access anymore. 2449 02:07:03.520 --> 02:07:04.080 That's right. 2450 02:07:04.080 --> 02:07:06.000 But I didn't tell him outright. 2451 02:07:06.000 --> 02:07:08.160 You didn't tell him. 2452 02:07:08.160 --> 02:07:09.160 He felt it. 2453 02:07:09.160 --> 02:07:10.280 He felt it. 2454 02:07:10.280 --> 02:07:12.280 You have to give people what they want. 2455 02:07:12.280 --> 02:07:13.280 Yeah. 2456 02:07:13.280 --> 02:07:14.160 OK. 2457 02:07:14.160 --> 02:07:15.800 All right, ladies. 2458 02:07:15.800 --> 02:07:18.320 You rest well and have a good night. 2459 02:07:18.320 --> 02:07:19.760 Love you, Ebony. 2460 02:07:19.760 --> 02:07:21.520 Oh, I love you too, Nikki. 2461 02:07:21.560 --> 02:07:22.800 You're amazing. 2462 02:07:22.800 --> 02:07:23.320 Bye. 2463 02:07:23.320 --> 02:07:24.840 Mika, keep me up to date. 2464 02:07:24.840 --> 02:07:25.600 Good night, ladies. 2465 02:07:25.600 --> 02:07:26.800 Everybody, keep me up to date. 2466 02:07:26.800 --> 02:07:27.480 Thank you, Ebony. 2467 02:07:27.480 --> 02:07:28.480 Have a good night, y'all. 2468 02:07:28.480 --> 02:07:30.840 All right, have a good night.