All right, welcome to Modern Dating Sucks Book Club, week three.
You guys, we are halfway through.
This will be our halfway point.
I'm in this beautiful golf room, as my mother-in-law calls it.
It has this beautiful border of golfers.
She created this room for her husband of 53 years, my father-in-law.
I am here visiting my in-laws.
My mother-in-law's having some testing.
Thank you for keeping our family in prayer.
What's so funny about this is that when last year's single first started, which is my program
for marriage-minded singles, we've helped almost 2,000 people get married since 2020.
When it first started, we called it Married in 12 Months or Less.
That was the title of the program.
Most of the teaching I did live right here from this room.
It's just kind of full circle that I'm back here right now in this room.
I think that's super fun.
I'm just visiting.
I'm just in Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, just for a visit.
But I think that that's just super fun.
It's kind of God just sort of saying, hey, remember where all of this started, and look
where it is now, and look where I'm taking it next.
I believe that all of you are revivalists in marriage and family, and that's why you're here.
God has drawn you here.
I did not draw you here with my wonderful Instagram videos or whatever it is that you
saw that caused you to come and sign up for this.
Maybe it was an email that was poorly written that you saw, and you were like, hey, that
sounds great.
I believe that God was tugging on your heart, and He was bringing you to here for such a
time as this.
And I do believe that your future partnership is going to be a kingdom alliance, and that
it's going to be world-changing, not just for you and them, but also for your lineage
and legacy.
And so I'm so thankful that you're joining me here, where we are six years in to this
beautiful movement, and we're going even further.
All right, so we're going to get started.
You guys had some homework to do.
One of the things that you had to do was just reach out to at least one person that you
wanted to invite onto your advisory circle, your relationship advisory circle.
Go ahead and put in the chat if you reached out to at least one person, and we're going
to talk a little bit more about the advisory circle, and I'll answer any questions about
that here in a second.
Just one, at least one person.
And you guys, you don't really need more than three.
You ever hear that thing that there's too many cooks in the kitchen?
You ever hear that saying, you don't want too many cooks in the kitchen?
Why don't you want too many cooks in the kitchen?
For those of you that cook, why don't you want a lot of cooks in the kitchen?
Because everybody does it differently, right?
Everybody cooks differently.
Everybody makes gravy differently.
Everybody makes eggs differently, whatever it is.
And yeah, maybe their eggs are great, but they're going to make them differently than
you.
Their process is going to be different than yours.
And so because of that, a lot of times you get too many cooks in the kitchen, then you
get a little back and forth, a little push and shove.
So it's important that you get people on your advisory circle, in your advisory circle,
that are people that you really know, people that you really trust, people that have different
circles than you.
We went over the four criteria of asking someone, what do they need to have?
They need to have a different circle than you.
They need to be someone who's going to, if they give you feedback, you're going to believe
them.
You're going to trust what they're saying, right?
They're people that you would want to introduce possibly to someone that you are dating or
getting to know, talking to, and they have to be people that actually believe in your
love story.
They have to be people that believe in your love story.
Now I had someone write into me and ask me, Hey, what about some old pastors in my life?
What about some old spiritual leaders in my life?
You know, married couples, you know, can I ask them?
You guys, there's nothing wrong with having a married couple on your, in your advisory
circle, you know, married women, especially love to play matchmaker.
And so there's nothing wrong with that.
I would definitely give you, I would definitely say, be very cautious in asking anyone who
has a pastoral role in your life, whether it's present pastoral or past pastoral.
And the reason why is because the, your advisory circle is about accountability for you.
It's not about authority.
And a lot of times when someone's been in any kind of spiritual authority in your life,
they have a tendency to not really know where the line is.
It's not that they're bad people, but you know, they're used to being your shepherd.
They're used to protecting you.
They're used to keeping you safe.
They're used to like telling you, thus sayeth the Lord.
And it really gets a little messy when you have people like
that speaking into your love life. And here's the reason why a lot of them, you know, they got
married when they were really young. You know, they may not have ever dated around. They may
not have ever been on a dating app. They may have never been in the dating pool, especially in 2026.
A lot of them may have been married for a long, long, long, long time. And there's nothing wrong
with that, but maybe they got married when they were 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, right? Maybe they've
never been divorced. Maybe they've never dealt with people getting remarried that have been
divorced. And so when it comes to someone being an authority in this area of your life, you want
to look to coaches like me, who God has put into a place of really teaching and helping people in
this area of their life. Just because someone's the pastor of a church doesn't mean that they
actually are knowledgeable or wise in this area. Does that make sense to everyone? It'd be just
like, just because they're your pastor, you're going to go and find out what they think about
a certain supplement or whether you should take a GLP one or whether or not, you know, you should
do this exercise routine just because they're a pastor doesn't mean that they know anything about
that stuff. And just because someone's married doesn't mean that they know anything about dating.
And it doesn't mean that they know anything about singleness or relationships for singles. And so I
really want to caution you in doing that, because I have talked to a lot of pastors over the years,
and a lot of them do not feel qualified to speak to singles, which is why they do not have singles
programs or even groups for people over 30 years old, because they think that it's a slippery slope.
We don't really want to have people focusing on their love life or trying to meet each other in
church. I can't tell you how many pastors tell me that they really just don't want to get involved
with that. And they don't really want to have that formalized at their church. They don't want to have
something for singles that are adults, like 30 years and older. Like, yeah, the younger people,
yeah, that's fine. We'll have some kind of young adult thing. But once you get 30 and up, you're
kind of on your own in that area of your life. And so I would really shy away if I were you
from asking anyone that is in a shepherding or pastoral role to be on your advisory committee,
okay? A lot of times they think that you should just go ahead and wait on God in this area,
that you shouldn't be trying to make this happen for yourself, even though that's not what you're
doing. And they may really misunderstand this, and it may cause you a lot of confusion and even
discouragement. And so I really want you to be careful with that. All right, so everyone said
that they, a lot of people said, hey, I did, I did ask somebody, I did ask someone if they would
be willing to keep their eye open for me. If they'd be willing to see if they know anyone
that they can ask about a potential match for me. Cool. And some of you are like, not yet.
I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to do it. Good, good, good. Reached out to one. That's good.
And some of you are like, I don't really know anyone. Can't really think of anyone. That's okay.
Hopefully all of you will take advantage of the $37 rollover to come into last year single,
where you can meet lots of people that are single like you. And while they haven't found a match for
themselves within their communities, it doesn't mean that there isn't a match for you within their
communities, right? Just because you don't like the person like that, that you go to church with,
or that you work with, doesn't mean that someone else wouldn't like that person like that, right?
And so we'll help each other as we, as we go on in the book club, we'll talk more and more about
community-based matchmaking before we get to the end of it. Okay. All right. All right, you guys.
So keep asking, keep thinking, keep praying. Hey God, who can I put on my advisory circle? Who,
who, who will continue to give you opportunities to meet each other in here? I have noticed that
very few of you are using the community group on the app. Very few of you are asking questions.
There's just like two or three of you that are asking questions. Very few of you are posting.
Hardly any of you at all have joined the Facebook group, which is fine because that's just a bonus
group, but really there's not really a lot going on in that, in that group on the app, the modern
dating sex group. There's very little happening there. You guys are not interacting with each
other and you're not interacting with me. So I know you guys are busy. I know life is busy. I
know summer is coming to an end. I really want to encourage you to use this time wisely. There's a
reason why you signed up. So now don't just sign up, make sure that you show up. Okay. All right.
I want to jump in and I'll leave some Q and A at the end where you guys can ask more questions
about advisory circle, whatever you want. All right. So I want to jump in tonight. So your
reading assignment was reading the chapters, the
next few chapters, all right?
And doing a few, you were gonna read chapter five,
stop dating, start choosing.
You're gonna read chapter six, readiness over romance.
And this week's homework that you're gonna do
going into next week is your non-negotiables worksheet.
And I'm gonna talk more about that tonight
so that even if you started it,
I'm gonna give you some more information on it
so that you can continue to build it, okay?
Because that's gonna be super important.
You guys, non-negotiables and that worksheet
and the work that we do a little bit this week at the end
and next week is gonna be really important
because that is what you're going
to give your advisory circle.
That is what you're gonna use
when you're swiping on the app.
Everything has to point back to that.
I own a company.
And it's not just the company that you guys see.
I own a media company, Jane Media.
And we have a vision statement.
It's an internal vision statement in our company.
And every single thing that we do
has to point back to the vision statement or we don't do it.
That's what a vision statement's for.
That's what a mission statement's for
when you have a company.
What is it for?
It's to keep you in alignment with your vision.
How many of you would admit that life
is kind of coming at all of us fast
and there's a lot of opportunities
and there's a lot of distractions
and there's a lot of stuff going on
and it's really easy to get off track?
Anybody else?
It's really easy to get off track.
And so the reason why we're gonna do this kind of work
is because say you decide to get back on the apps
at the end of the book club.
You should be on a sabbatical right now.
If you're not, then you weren't paying attention
and you weren't listening and you weren't taking the wisdom
that was being offered you.
You should be on a pause right now from your dating apps.
But say you decide to get back on them
because you feel empowered at the end of this book club
and I believe you will.
You're empowered with tools, you have new information,
you feel like a new person,
you're ready to get back out there and meet some new people
and you get to swipe in and you're like,
whoo, that person looks good.
I like the way that person looks.
I like the way their hair falls.
I like the way their chin looks.
I like whatever.
I like what they say in their little tagline here.
Now because you're just like, whoo,
the work that we're doing now,
especially this kind of non-negotiable worksheet,
you're gonna be able to apply that to that person
maybe even before you meet them.
You might be reading through their bio
and you see one of your non-negotiables
and you're like, eh, I know I'm gonna swipe on this person
because right here I can see that it's not a fit.
And that little voice of anxiety,
that anxious attachment voice that used to be in you
saying, oh, but they're cute.
Go ahead, go ahead, swipe on them anyway.
You'd be like, get out of here, all right,
to that little voice because you already know
that you've done the work and you know
that you don't wanna waste any more time.
So you're not gonna swipe.
Say you do swipe because there's nothing apparent
that's a deal breaker and you get to know that person
over some conversations and then there's the deal breaker.
Then you see the non-negotiable.
Maybe it'll take you a few dates in,
maybe get in person with them, maybe a phone call or two.
And as long as there's no non-negotiables being broken,
no deal breakers, then it's a yes until it's a no.
I'm gonna talk more about what you guys should be doing
in the first 30 days, 60 days, and 90 days
as you're getting to know someone with potential.
We'll talk about that next week.
But right now, I just wanna tell you
that the work you're doing this week and next week
are very important to your success, all right?
Okay, so I'm gonna talk about the reading assignment.
I wanna just highlight some of the things
that you learned when you read these chapters.
All right, I talk about someone in these chapters
called Jenny and James.
And you guys, these are true stories.
The names have been changed, but they are true stories.
So Jenny and James, they both came to me for matchmaking.
They both came to me for dating coaching.
And Jenny was 49 years old, never married,
and she'd been dating intentionally for years.
You guys, years and years and years.
And she came to me with a list, an actual list,
a several page long list that had a lot of preferences
on it, height, profession, zip code, right?
She even thought that it showed whether a man had character,
whether or not he still had his same best friend
from childhood.
She had been on over 200 first dates, single.
And then there was James.
He was divorced.
He had two children and he had done his work.
He did heart work with me in my program.
He was ready to try again.
Was he perfect?
No, but was he progressing?
Yes.
and his main requirements were just a few things.
He had just a few things on his non-negotiable list.
She had to want to relocate
because he had a shared parenting agreement.
So she had to want to be part of a blended family.
She had to be willing to relocate to be with him
if she didn't already live locally,
to be part of a blended family.
She had to be willing to stay in that city
until the kids were adults.
That's hard, you guys.
I was in a blended family and I certainly wanted to move.
It was this city, Columbus, Ohio.
I didn't want to live here for another 10 years,
but I had to because I had a shared parenting agreement
with my former husband and my new husband
had a shared parenting agreement with his former wife.
So these were his non-negotiables.
She had to share his faith.
She had to be open to a blended family.
She had to be willing to do the things
that he needed to do
in order to fulfill his shared parenting agreement.
And that was it.
Everything else he said was negotiable.
And so I introduced him to a few people
and the third person he actually got engaged to
11 months later.
Guess what?
Jenny is still single.
Jenny's still single.
All right, so I want you to go ahead
and put in the chat now,
who are you more like right now in your life?
Are you more like Jenny or are you more like James?
Be honest.
We're not grading you, be honest.
Are you more like Jenny or are you more like James?
Some of you are like, not quite like Jenny, but I am picky.
Someone said they're James, but they're moving towards Jenny.
You don't want to move towards Jenny, baby.
You want to move away from Jenny.
Don't be moving towards Jenny.
Christine's like, I used to be like James,
but hopefully I'm now more like Jenny.
Come on, there's a lot more people here
than are answering in the chat.
Get an answer up.
All right, people are like, I'm trying not to be a Jenny.
Now, if your name is Jenny in here, forgive me, okay?
James, Jenny, those are just, you know,
those are just kind of basic names.
So pick those names, but it's not like a situation
where we're making it into a game.
We're not making it into a game.
We're just trying to figure it out.
So if you're not like Jenny,
you're not like James, you're not like Jenny,
we're making it into a bad verb or something.
Okay, don't be a Jenny, it's not like that at all.
So if your name is Jenny, don't take it personally.
All right.
So we wanna start taking our list.
If you have a Jenny list, if you've been more like a Jenny,
we're gonna turn it into a James list.
Non-negotiables are based on principles.
They're not based on preferences.
They're not based on hurt and trauma.
They're not based on any of those things.
And we're gonna talk about that
because I'm gonna help you begin
to build your non-negotiable list tonight.
But let's talk about the rest of chapter five and six.
Talking about, we're gonna stop dating
like disgruntled daters.
I can't tell you how many disgruntled daters I've had.
People hate dating.
They don't wanna date.
They don't understand why they have to date.
They don't understand why God doesn't just drop their spouse
out of the sky on them like a house
on the Wicked Witch of the East and the Wizard of Oz.
They don't understand why that's not happening for them.
Hey, if God wants it, then why does he just make it happen?
Why do I have to go out here
and do this modern thing called dating?
Jackie, you already told us that the system is messed up.
You already told us that dating's unnatural.
So why should I have to do it?
Well, here's the thing.
We live in a time that you've been matched with
and I've been matched with.
You could have been living in those olden times,
but that's not where God put you.
He put you in the timeline right now.
And this is the way things are out here.
So you can complain about it and be a disgruntled dater,
or you can start to have what I call matchmaker mindset.
You can begin to move through life differently.
Who wants to move through their dating life differently?
Instead of complaining about what is,
yes, the first two sessions in the first part of the book
we talk about what the problem is.
We name the problem.
But now we're going to start to talk about the solution.
We're going to talk about us becoming the solution
and us becoming the change, right?
We talked about our scripts.
We talked about the broken system.
We talked about the village that we lost,
but now we're going to begin to rebuild these things.
We're going to begin to come out of our scripts.
We're going to begin to rebuild our village.
We're going to begin to have a match.
maker mindset and I tell, I talk about this analogy in the book about going
shopping and hopefully this really resonated with a lot of you.
I felt like this was a download from heaven because there's two types of
shoppers. There's shoppers and then there's buyers.
There's people that are just wandering around and they don't know what they're
looking for. And I just want to tell you, I'm not that kind of shopper.
I don't enjoy going to the malls.
I don't enjoy going to the marketplaces and just wandering around and just
looking at things. La la la la la la la la la. In fact,
my worst nightmare is going into a store that I don't want anything in,
but I'm just looking around and having some, you know,
intense salesperson try to get me to buy something before I leave that store.
I don't go into stores that sell like individual things like mattresses or
appliances because you know what?
The only type of people that should truly go in that store are buyers,
people that are truly in the market for that thing because those people work on
commission. And if you go in there,
they are not going to let you leave until you buy a new mattress.
That's what they're trained to do.
So they see you coming. And even though that's not,
that wasn't in your intention, it wasn't your intention to buy a mattress today.
You're going to be buying one. Okay?
You're going to be on a payment plan and you're going to be buying a mattress.
So I don't like that. So I always say, I don't go shopping.
I go buying, meaning I only go to the store when I'm in the market for something
that I need. I know what it is and I'm going to get it.
Is anyone else disciplined like me or you just go wandering around?
You know, some people actually enjoy that.
I have friends that enjoy just going to the store and trying on clothes that
they're not going to buy and they're just waiting for something to hit them.
They're waiting for it to look in the mirror and be like,
I can't live without this thing. I didn't intend to buy it,
but I came here and I saw it and I tried it on and now I can't live without it.
So I'm going to buy it. And some of you run your dating life like that.
You don't know what you're looking for.
You're just looking for something and you think that you're going to know it
when you see it,
you feel like you're going to feel the feelings of it when you see it.
And the problem is,
is that there are a lot of people out there that are going to try to sell you
something that you don't want and you don't need because they see you as an easy
mark.
Right? So we're not going to live like that anymore.
Let's talk about the disgruntled dater. The disgruntled dater is reactive.
Dating is something that's happening to them, something that they endure,
something that they complain about a lot.
They have high hopes that this time's going to be different,
but it's always followed by more disappointment.
And they respond usually by either lowering their expectations or adding
another line item to their very long list that they already have.
And a lot of you that are disgruntled daters are asking yourself the exhausted
question, is it worth trying anymore? How many of you have asked yourself that?
Put it in the chat. You're like, why am I still even trying?
Should I even be trying anymore? Should I even bother anymore?
You guys are waiting for love to happen to you. You're browsing.
You're not intentionally choosing. You're just browsing.
When you're on those dating apps, you're just browsing.
You're seeing if something hits you. You're seeing if, if something,
if you see something you just can't live without.
All right. The matchmaker. And how do I know this?
Because I am one and I've been one for a really long time.
The matchmaker thinks the opposite of this.
We're not passive.
We don't hope that love is just going to find people. Okay.
We're deliberate. We're purposeful.
We're intentional with everything that we do.
It's not a colder clinical way of living. You guys,
I don't want you to think of it as totally cerebral, no hearts involved.
Think of it more as follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
It's not cold. It's not clinical. It's warm. It's friendly.
It's being truly interested in people.
I deeply believe that love is possible for every single person that wants it,
but you have to take concrete steps towards it that are
intentional and deliberate and have been planned in advance. Case in point.
For those of you that are Christians,
I know we have some people in here are not Christians,
but the majority of you are.
So I'm going to speak to you from what I consider the ancient wisdom,
the word of God. And that says that we make our plans, who? People,
humans, but then God orders our steps. And you guys,
that scripture reads just like that.
Man makes the plans, man, woman, mankind.
We make plans.
But then God orders steps. So if you want God to order your steps in this area of your life
You have to make a plan if you want God to order your steps in your finances. You have to make a plan
I got out of debt in
2018 I
Got totally out of debt in 2018 and you're like Jackie. Why were you in debt? Because I was I was
A minister I spent years and years decades in ministry and ministry doesn't pay any money
Just in case you didn't know that about ministry. It doesn't pay any money. And so I had regular debt
I didn't have like credit card debt. I had regular debt
I had I had debt that just kind of
Accumulated because every month was kind of robbing Peter to pay Paul kind of situation
it was feast or famine in full-time ministry and
And one year I was really really really upset about never being able to
Do the things that I wanted to do. I wanted to take my daughter on a vacation for her 16th birthday
I couldn't afford to do it
I didn't understand why I spent all this time like doing the work of the Lord and building the kingdom of God and yet I
Didn't have enough extra money. Just take my daughter to California. She wanted to go to California for her
16th birthday and
God really challenged that thinking he challenged me and I'm here to challenge your thinking about your love life
Because I know you're just waiting for God to do it for you
A lot of you are a lot of you are running that passive faith script
You're like, oh, I'll just know them when I know them. I'm gonna feel it. You know, I'm a disgruntled dater
That's just walking around and I'm really unhappy
But one of these days God's gonna pull my proverbial number up in the holy lottery of heaven
And he's gonna call it winner winner chicken dinner and it's gonna be my turn and you wouldn't admit that you feel that way
But your actions really show that you feel that way
You're just waiting for it to just serendipitously happen to you. And that's what I was kind of doing with my finances
You know, a lot of churches will even do this during offering. They'll be like, they'll have you recite something that says
Surprises and money and checks in the mail and unexpected rebates
Things like one day God's is gonna show up and he's gonna pay all your bills off and whoa
And I'm not saying that God doesn't bless people financially
But I'm saying that it's an even better plan to live a blessed life
When you take what is in your hand and you ask yourself
What's in my hand and you ask God to multiply it by deliberate action?
And that's what God taught me in 2018 and guess what? Not only did I take my daughter to California
I actually got completely out of debt and I've been out of debt ever since come on y'all
and
I want to take that same premise and apply it to your love life because a lot of you are still just waiting for
Something to happen to you
When the Word of God the ancient wisdom actually says that God has given you
the ability
to live abundantly in
Proverbs 8 18 it says God has given you the ability to prosper. He's given you the power to prosper
And that that that doesn't talk. It's not talking about just your finances
It's talking about in every area of your life. And so friends, it's important that we start thinking about this deliberately and not passively
We have to take action. We have to have a plan and then if we have a plan
God promises that he'll actually order our steps
A lot of people are worried about getting a plan because they're like what if I get out of the will of God?
Well, first of all, the will of God is that you would live in joy, peace and righteousness
That's the will of God concerning you
So you're not going to get out of the will of God because you made a dating resume
For your dating profile
You're not going to get out of the will of God by being on a hinge or bumble or any of those things
Because you put your shingle out there just in case anyone wants to see that you are indeed single and ready to mingle
Because once you make a plan then what happens steps start getting ordered
That's what starts happening, especially if you're not out here willy-nilly
You have a plan
You've done the work. You've made your list of non-negotiables
You've presented them to God
You said hey, are there any preferences here? I have any walls that I built around myself to keep myself safe
We're gonna talk about that in a second with the non-negotiables and if the answer is no, then you're like, okay
This is what I need in a partner and it's okay for me to insist that these five or six things is
is in this
Connection because if it's not then I'm gonna say thank you, but it's time for us to go our separate ways
Right
Right. All right, you guys these are good stuff. This is good stuff. Okay
Oh, okay, so we're not gonna be browsers anymore you guys we're going to be
Choosers and guess what choosers have options
there's a
Old saying I think I said it last week that just says beggars can't be choosers, but you're not a beggar
Are you you're not an orphan? You're a child of God. So beggars may not be able to choose but
Children of God get to choose so beggars can't be choosers
But children of God are choosers and choosers have options
It's important for you to understand that I
Think a lot of people also just want God to choose for them because they're really afraid of making a mistake
And so they wait to see that the signs are lining up that this is the person God's choosing for them
So that they don't have to use their own brain to decide whether or not if this person is a good fit or not
And that's what the dating framework that we're gonna go over next week
The 30 to 90 days is gonna help you decide whether or not this person is a good long-term fit for you or not
What should you be looking for? What should you be asking the first 30 60 90 days? What should be happening? What shouldn't be happening?
I can't tell you how many people I sit down with that said well
I just really felt like God said that this was my person because I was praying about it
And then I met them the next day and yet they violated all their non-negotiables within the first 30 days
Why did why would God choose someone like that for you?
They're like, well, you know all the signs lined up. It seemed really supernatural
You know, I was praying and then someone introduced me to them or you know
God told me that my future husband's name was Steven and this guy's name is Steven
It's just you guys silly things
But what the way they were doing is they were ignoring all the things that they already knew weren't healthy weren't good
They were outsourcing their love life to heaven and they were becoming very passive
They weren't doing their part they were expecting God to do their part and his part guys
I just I just realized the other day that one of my guys
That was in my program that just got married and I was really excited for him that he met someone
Until I found out that he met someone that lived
2,200 miles away and
He was planning on relocating to be with her and leaving his children behind
And that happened
That should have been on his non-negotiable list
Look, I'm not here to judge or throw anybody under the bus
But I'm here to tell you that if you have minor children that are still at home
I don't care if you're the mother or their father that should be on your list of non-negotiables
It's not moving away from them and giving them an absentee parent
I'm not talking about just moving the next County over
Where you can continue to get your visitation days continue to go to their soccer games continue to be with them continue to be present
In their life. I'm talking about maybe you're gonna see them for a couple weeks in the summer because now you live an entire
continent away from them
That ain't God
That's a no
Okay. All right
There's some things that are pretty black and white and wrong and right y'all and that's not that needs to be on your
non-negotiable if you have minor children
That still need your presence in their upbringing because you brought them into this world and you need to put them first
Then that should be on your non-negotiable list, okay
All right, let's talk about the non-negotiables. I'm gonna give you kind of a preview tonight. You already have the full worksheet
I want you to work on it and then
Next week the very first thing that we're gonna do is share the non-negotiables when we start our session sound good
So let's go over the foundation of the non-negotiables
the very first thing that you're looking for is
character
The second thing is capacity. So characters who are they when that and when no one's watching
How do they treat people?
Obviously the servers at the restaurant their former spouses you guys if everyone did them wrong and they didn't own their side of the street
That's not someone who has character. That's not someone who's done hard work. Okay, how do they treat people who can't give anything to them?
Do their stories always make them sound like the victim and how do they handle being wronged?
How do they handle being wrong? And how do they handle being wronged by others?
That's gonna be some important stuff and you're not gonna get to know that right away
That's gonna be stuff that you're gonna learn about them over time. But this is how you're gonna build your non-negotiables
Okay, you're gonna say I need someone who is has humility
right
Capacity and we'll go into more character things. I'm just gonna do a little overview
Capacity do they have space in their life for a relationship? Can they show up?
Do they have real-time real space?
real emotional and practical room in their life for you
Compatibility to your to your lives fit with each other not whether you like the same things
But do you guys fit? Do you fit together? Do you want the same kind of life?
Do you want the same kind of future? When you picture your future over the next five years,
is it similar to what they're picturing for their future? Conviction. Do your deepest values in your
life align? Not opinions, deepest values, things that you would fight for, hills that you would
die on. Do they align with each other's? Community. Do they have real people in their life? Do they
know how to do relationship with other people? That's going to be important. You don't want a
lone wolf. Ladies, gentlemen, you don't want a woman who has been in a fight with every best
friend she ever had. She's burned every bridge that she's ever crossed. No, that's no good.
We do not want that. Okay. All right.
We want marriage-minded people, not marriage curious. Marriage-minded people are people that,
yeah, they don't want to try to lock you down right when you meet them as far as like,
you're my future husband or you're my future wife. But they're not naming, you know,
your future children on date two, but they are living their life in a direction where commitment
Now, ladies, you have to be careful because you can't ask a guy on date one, two, or three. If,
you know, he wants to get married someday because he thinks you're talking about you and him.
And he thinks that if he answers yes to that, you're going to think he's going to think that,
that you're going to think that he's saying that he sees you as a potential partner.
So you have to phrase that differently. You can phrase it in a way that you're
you as a potential partner. So you have to phrase that differently. You can phrase it like,
Hey, you know, right now, you know, you're dating. Are you dating to find a lifetime partner? Are
you dating for marriage? Is that what you're doing here on these dating apps? Are you looking
for someone to spend the rest of your life with, or are you just here? You know, she don't say
wasting people's time. Now you're going to say, are, but you know, are you here for,
you know, just low key commit, like, you know, just getting to know people.
Are you just browsing or are you buying now? Okay. Marriage curious.
Means that, yeah, they think marriage is good. They believe in marriage,
but it doesn't, their life does not reflect any practical way that they're preparing for marriage.
They might actually make a good spouse someday, but that someday is not going to be any time soon.
Anytime soon. All right. Okay. So when we make our non-negotiable list, you guys,
we're going to do a brain dump. We're going to do a brain dump. And in that step one of
your brain dump, and you have a worksheet that reiterates this, but you're going to just
put every quality, every trait, everything that you wish for
in a potential spouse on the piece of paper. You guys know how to do a brain dump. You guys
know how to do a mind map. Okay. That's what you're going to do. Just bump it, dump it all.
You don't have to censor it. You don't have to filter it. Just dump it all there.
Okay. And then you're going to sort out what you put on that into those five categories,
character, capacity, compatibility, conviction, and community. You're going to sort out those
things and then you're going to list them underneath those headings.
And then once you do that, you're going to whittle that down to five to 10 things, not 23.
Because a lot of times people have 23 things, the way that they'll have it as this, they'll say,
someone who takes care of themselves and lives an active lifestyle. That's your non-negotiable.
But then you're going to spell out how they take care of themselves. And that becomes
preferences. You're going to say, they like to hike. They like to bike. They like to swim.
You know, they're a size six, they're a size 10, you know, they're, you know, whatever.
Their cholesterol is under 140. You know, they're just going to start
you know, they're just going to start lumping that all together in that situation.
Don't do that. That's getting into preferences.
It's okay that you want someone who takes care of themselves and is healthy and lives a healthy
lifestyle. You don't get to decide what that looks like. Cause that gets into the preference.
Someone can be very healthy and leave, uh, and live a really healthy lifestyle,
but they like to walk. They don't like to hike or bike or it's not that they don't like it.
They just don't do it. It doesn't mean that they won't do it with you someday.
You guys active, healthy people are active, healthy people.
Outdoorsy, active, healthy people are outdoorsy, active, healthy people.
Just because they don't do the same thing as you outdoors, doesn't mean that they're
violating your non-negotiable.
This is where you start getting picky.
This is where you can start sabotaging yourself and making your dating pool really small.
Really really really small.
Okay.
All right.
Um, all right, so you're going to filter those the way that you're going to filter down the
brain dump.
So you do the brain dump, then you put it in the categories and the way you're going
to filter that down is all of the things that you think actually might be a non-negotiable
and not a preference.
You're going to run them past my test question and the test question is if they don't have
this thing, could I still be happy with them for the rest of my life?
Could I have a happy marriage with them if they don't have this thing?
Could I have a happy marriage with them if they weren't six feet tall or taller?
The answer is yes, you could.
Okay.
And so if the answer is no, you're like, absolutely not.
I could not be happy if they don't have this thing or if they do have this thing that you
know it's a non-negotiable.
You have to ask yourself if they had everything else on my list, but they just didn't have
this thing.
Would it be a deal breaker?
Okay.
And I'll give you guys some more information about principles instead of preferences and
different things when we go into this teaching deeper next week.
Okay.
So the filter question, imagine the person has everything on your list.
They share your values.
They want what you want.
They have the character and capacity to build a long lasting marriage with you, but they're
just missing this one thing.
Would it still be a yes?
If yes, then it was always a preference.
If no, then it really is a non-negotiable.
Okay.
And you have to be ruthless.
You guys, you've got to be ruthless with that question.
Got to really be honest with yourself.
And the reason why we're asking you to do it now before you actually go out there and
meet anyone is because you know, if he's six, five blonde hair, blue eyes finance, you might
actually want to possibly bend your own non-negotiable and that's why it's good to make the list
now.
And now you're the person that has to implement it when you get out there.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go ahead.
And what time is it?
April 3rd.
All right.
Let's go ahead and get some questions about advisory circle and the beginning of putting
together your non-negotiable versus preferences list.
And you guys, everything that doesn't get to get on your non-negotiable list.
Okay.
Let's try to keep it.
Let's try to keep that non-negotiable list under 15 if you can.
Anything that doesn't get on that, it goes in your preference list.
And it doesn't mean that your preference list isn't important.
It just means that it shouldn't be a deal breaker.
Okay.
You are going to get some stuff on your preference list in your partner.
You are.
But this other stuff is more important than this stuff.
Okay.
All right.
Yes.
We can give, you guys, what if I put you in breakout rooms and you guys, I'm going to
put you in breakouts.
Let's do this so we can have some time with each other because maybe we're going to meet
someone for your advisory circle in this group and I want to give you a chance to meet each
other.
But what if we have you maybe share one thing that you're not really sure if it's a non-negotiable
or a preference and then have the other people in your group vote on it, whether they think
it's a non-negotiable or preference based on what I just taught.
Okay.
And then we'll come back in and then we'll share them.
Sound good?
Okay.
Let's do that real quick because I think that'll be fun.
All right.
Breakouts.
All right.
It's working now.
Okay.
It wasn't working for some reason.
All right.
Let's see.
I think maybe two to three people per room would be good.
Some of you may end up with three to four people and that's fine as well.
All right.
You guys, I'm going to give you about 10 minutes for this.
Make sure that everybody gets a chance to go and listen, everyone be really respectful
to each other.
Okay.
Don't be rude about someone's preference versus non-negotiable question.
Don't be like, that's stupid.
You should know that already.
Do not be disrespectful.
If I hear any reports of people...
being disrespectful or arguing with each other.
Now here's the thing you're letting them vote on whether they think it's a
non-negotiable or a preference. You don't have to listen to them.
You don't have to argue with them. Like, well, I think it's a non-negotiable.
Look, you're,
you're letting them vote and whatever they vote, they vote.
You don't have to get in an argument with them. Okay. They're not your mom.
They're not your dad. They're not your boss.
And it doesn't mean that you have to do what they're saying.
It just means that we're going to have some community input. Okay. Sound good.
Right. Everyone's going into breakouts.
You're going to see a little button on your screen that says,
go to the breakout room. You want to go ahead and click that when you see it.
Okay.
Hi jackie.
Hey, we're not going to take questions just quite yet. Y'all give me a second here and I'll take questions in just a minute.
You guys come back in from a breakout just so you know sometimes you'll just be unmuted and we can hear background noise at your house or your work. So just make sure that you reme and re mute yourself. All right, so that we don't have that.
All right, I'm gonna I'm going to go ahead and let people share. Let me go ahead and put this chat on. Okay, so we're going to give a Okay, so hopefully that was a good experience for all of you. You were able to get some good feedback. And this will help you to build your non negotiable is your final non negotiable list, which we'll share next week. Okay, but let's go ahead and take a couple that were real like, hmm.
You know, is it a preference? Or is it a non negotiable? Raise your hand if you had one like that, where it was like, I'm not sure if it was or not, you got the feedback. And you're just really you have a thing to make you go, hmm, kind of situation with that. All right, we'll go ahead and you guys, it's gonna be a speed round.
So no big backstory about why you want it to be a non negotiable. Just tell me what it is. And I'll weigh in on it. Kenton, you go. You're first.
Mine was the love languages, the top three love languages that I have. That's a non negotiable for me.
Okay, and what are what are those?
Those would be touch, words of affirmation and quality time.
Okay, so basically, what Kenton is saying right now is he's describing someone there. He's describing a personality. He's describing a type of person, a type of woman who is affectionate, who is positive and affirming and someone who enjoys being with him.
So that's what he's basically describing. Now, this is not something and a lot of these non negotiables, you guys, you're not going to be able to see whether or not they have this, that some of these like Kenton's, for instance, he's not going to be able to really see that about someone until further into the relationship.
Because first of all, he shouldn't be touching anyone that he hardly knows. So he's not going to know whether or not they want to be touched or they're physically affectionate. And some people, they're not just affirming right from the get go.
You know, they have to know you a little bit more before they're going to like be affirming you or encouraging you. I mean, some people they just exude that they lose it. But there's other people that you know, they're gonna maybe hold back a little bit, they're gonna be a little bit more reserved. They're not going to fully be everything that they are.
Now, you guys, when it comes to love languages, I believe that we should have all of them.
I believe that you should have all of them.
should be comfortable giving and receiving.
I think that you should be comfortable with,
you know, affirming and receiving affirmation.
Same thing with touch.
People say, well, you know,
physical touch is not my love language.
That's ridiculous.
Everyone should be wanting to be touched.
Now, some people don't want to be touched all the time.
I remember one couple.
I match made this couple, okay?
This man was a friend of mine whose wife passed away.
His wife, I was better friends with his wife,
but I was friends with both of them.
And his wife passed away really young in her forties.
It was very tragic.
It was very sad.
And I felt God really laid on my heart
to help him find his next wife.
And so about two years after she passed,
I introduced him to a woman in my community
and they hit it off and they ended up getting married.
Now, remember, I saw him with his first wife
because I was friends with her and I knew them for years.
And then I match made him with someone.
And then I saw him with his second wife
because I helped him marry her.
And the way that he was with his second wife
and the way she was with him
was very different than the first marriage, okay?
Like for instance, they came over to a place
where I was doing some videos of success stories
and they were about to be videoed.
And this is the first time that I had seen them
since they got married.
And I'm telling you, this man,
it wasn't like in a sexual way,
but he had to constantly be touching her.
He was like rubbing her arm.
He was holding her hand.
He was putting his arm around her.
He was like, he was just making me nuts
because I was like, if I was her,
I'd be like, get off of me.
Why are you touching me so much?
That would be super annoying to me,
but it wasn't super annoying to her.
She was good with it.
And so I think that's kind of what Kenton's saying
is like, hey, you know, someone who is, you know,
likes what I like, you know, how I want to express my love.
I like to spend time.
I like to be affirmed and affirm.
I like to be affectionate.
So he's saying, I want someone who wants to be loved
in the way that I love.
And you guys, I think that's important,
especially at this age, I think that's important.
Now, I think that making it a non-negotiable
that you are then going to judge
or try to measure too quickly is a mistake.
Because some people will only become affectionate
when you know them a lot better.
Some people will only become affirming
when they become a lot closer to you, right?
And some people, quality time, yeah.
You know, wanting to spend time with each other,
you know, prioritizing each other,
that's going to be important in any relationship.
But once again, if these are things
that are important to you,
and you really want to be loved that way,
and you want to love someone that way, whatever it is,
it's important that you're giving it enough time
to unfold so you can see it.
Yeah, Jackie, you can also do the quiz
by Gary Chapman on the five love languages.
Then you will know what you are
and what you'd like to receive.
It's just, it's a common quiz.
I mean, I, of course, of course it is.
And I've read that book a thousand times.
And I just want to tell you guys
that giving someone that you're dating that quiz
so that you can find out what they are,
that's probably not a good idea.
It's more important to just see what they do
as you get to know them, okay?
So just seeing what they do as you get to know them,
because once again,
there's probably a lot more love languages than just five.
And you may think that you want someone
to do something very specific towards you,
and you might find out
that you like other things even more or better, okay?
So once again, do not be crossing people off the list
because they failed the quiz, Kenton.
Just give it time to unfold
and see if you're compatible with your love languages.
All right, okay, so Lisa, what do you got?
So there was actually two that came up.
One I'm on the fence about is them being a non-smoker.
I won't give you the backstory, but it's somewhat important.
The other one in our group, we were all questioning,
we talked about where does the heart work come in?
Like if you know somebody,
everybody's got baggage, at what point?
And maybe that's something we'll talk about later,
but kind of how does that play into it as well?
Yeah, I mean, I'm not for anyone asking someone
how much therapy they've done,
how much heart work or inner healing they've done,
and crossing them off the list
based on them answering those questions.
Those can't be non-negotiables.
I think that if you're looking for a certain character,
and capacity issues while you're getting to know them,
and when you see that capacity limitation,
when you see that character limitation,
that's gonna kind of answer your question of whether.
or not they can meet you where you are mentally or emotionally or spiritually, um, that, that
makes more sense as a non-negotiable than just asking someone to, you know, tell you
what they've done or, you know, you understand what I'm saying?
Like some people think, oh, well, non-negotiable is, you know, if they haven't gone to therapy,
well, just because you needed a certain type of therapy doesn't mean other people need
a certain type of a therapy.
You know, someone could have gotten what they need through a different avenue than therapy.
So, um, you know, just using psych psychological language, therapy language with someone, and
if they don't understand what it means, crossing them off the list, you know, saying, well,
you know, I want someone who has really good boundaries.
Well, good boundaries can't be exhibited, uh, on a, on a test or on a dating profile.
They have to be exhibited through relationships.
So it's important for you to let that play out.
Got to let it play out.
A lot of the things that are going to be on your non-negotiable list, you guys are not
going to be things that you're able to see quickly unless it's just an absolute crazy
deal breaker that they have on their profile or wherever.
Okay.
Like for instance, she said she doesn't want someone who smokes.
So maybe on their profile, they're like 420 friendly, which by the way means they smoke
pot if you didn't know that.
Okay.
Just things like that.
That's an automatic deal breaker.
You don't even have to swipe on that person.
You already know.
So would a non-smoker, you would be okay to potentially be a non-negotiable or would that
be a preference?
No, absolutely.
I mean, I think that, I think non-smoking, I think, I think that you can, I think you
can lump that into, um, you know, lives a healthy lifestyle.
I mean, that's your definition of a healthy lifestyle, obviously, right?
That this person doesn't smoke, um, you know, uh, you guys, when it comes to drugs and alcohol,
even when it comes to, um, nowadays, when it comes to, uh, what's it called political,
like stronger political stances, I think that those could possibly be on the non-negotiable
list because they say a whole lot more about kind of how that person moves through the
world.
Do you see what I'm saying?
That makes sense.
Thanks.
If someone is super liberal and you're super conservative, um, guess what?
The way that they move through the world is probably going to be a lot different than
you and you're probably not going to get along very well or be compatible.
That's just, that's just the way it is.
You guys, we're, we're becoming a very, very divided culture when it comes to a lot of
these issues.
Um, especially at the age groups that you guys are in, um, if you are very much against
something or for something and that other person is the opposite, it's probably not
going to be a long, a longterm relationship where there's not going to be a lot of other
things that fall into those categories as well.
Okay.
Hillary, who just went, who was that?
I think that was Lisa.
This is Hillary.
Okay.
It was Lisa.
Okay, Lisa.
All right, Hillary, go ahead.
Um, so something that came up in our group was finances and I think financially responsible
kind of fell under like, well, if they're a good character, we assume they will be financially
responsible, but like how close do you want to align with somebody from a financial perspective?
Like I guess what's, where's that line between like, this is a preference versus a non-negotiable.
Obviously you won't agree on every dollar, but yeah, where's that line?
Well, once again, you guys, he's fallen into categories that's hard to judge when you don't
really, really know someone.
For instance, when I met my husband, he had just gone through a divorce and he'd gone
through a foreclosure.
He had gone through some repossessions of some vehicles.
He had gone through a bankruptcy because a lot of times that's what happens when people
get divorced.
Him and his wife were in full-time ministry.
They worked at a mega church.
When one paycheck left the household, a lot of things fell through the cracks and it caused
both of them to have to file for bankruptcy and that delayed their divorce.
All kinds of different things happen.
So when you're getting to know someone, you're not necessarily judging them based on what
is happening right now, but based more on patterns that you see in their life.
And you really can't see patterns in someone's life if you don't get to know them, right?
And so it's just because someone doesn't live in as nice of a house as you at 45 years old
or drive as nice of a car as you, just because someone doesn't have a job that pays as good
as yours or has a 401k or has the same amount in savings doesn't mean they're financially
irresponsible.
You know, my husband wasn't financially irresponsible.
He was going through a rough patch in his life.
Guess what?
I've been married to him for 20 years.
He's a great guy.
He's going through a rough patch in his life.
with his finances, and we've built a lot of amazing things together. So do not judge people
prematurely, and do not think that you can just look at the outside of someone and decide some
of these things about them. Okay. Now, if you meet someone, they're great, they have all of
your non-negotiables, but they're not responsible. They show a whole pattern of irresponsibility in
their life. They always have a new job. They've only had their job for a few months, and the
job before that for a few months, and they're just bebopping around. They still live with
housemates, but they're 53 years old. They've never owned their own house. They don't have
any retirement. These are the things that you find out about them as you're getting to know them,
then it's probably going to be a deal breaker. Especially if you have been responsible, and
you've saved, and you've earned, and you've, you know, done what you needed to do.
That's definitely not going to be a right personality match for you, is it?
And just so you guys know, since we're on this topic, I just want to say I'm not against prenups.
I know a lot of people are like, well, you shouldn't even marry them if they want a prenup.
I disagree with that, especially at this age range. If you have worked hard all of your life,
and you have amassed a certain amount of material possessions, especially if you've been divorced or
widowed, and you have a pension of someone else's, you have some savings, maybe you have a family
inheritance, there's no reason why you can't put that in a trust or list that in a prenuptial
agreement, that if anything should happen in the marriage where, you know, you guys get divorced
for whatever reason, that what you brought into the marriage leaves with you. There's absolutely
no reason not to do that. That doesn't mean that you don't trust them. And if someone takes it that
way, then I don't know if they're trustworthy, because they shouldn't be worried about what's
written in that prenup at all, because they shouldn't be planning on getting divorced.
And they'll be like, well, you shouldn't be planning on getting a divorce. No, it's called
wisdom. It's called wisdom to protect things that you've built all your life, and that should never
come into play, unless there's a reason why you're not going to be married anymore. And there's
nothing wrong with also putting properties and money into trust funds for trust in a trust to
to give to your children, because even if you don't get divorced, if you pass away first,
that doesn't belong to them. You're not leaving that to your spouse, you're leaving that to your
children. And it's okay for that to be there already. I have an inheritance that my mom left
me when she passed away six years ago. And I already have it set aside for my daughter,
because we're a blended family. And so when I came into the family, I brought an inheritance,
and I brought a daughter. And, you know, if anything would happen to me, God forbid,
first, then, you know, that would go to my daughter, it wouldn't go to my spouse. And
he doesn't have any problem with that. He has his own money, he doesn't need my mom's inheritance.
And so you guys, these are okay things to to, I wouldn't talk about this in the dating season,
when you first meet the person like, Oh, hey, by the way, if you marry me, I'm gonna have you
have signed a prenup. No, I think that this is something that happens as you get to know someone
a lot better. All right, Kira, what do you got? Sorry, I just put bread in my mouth.
So I have wondered because I have like, like some guys in the past. And then I, through talking to
them found out that they were allergic to animals, specifically cats. And that's what I've always had
is cats. I'm a cat person. So like, is that negotiable? Or is that a? Well, let's talk
about that for a second. 30% of adult humans are allergic to cats. I don't know if you guys know
that or not. 30% of adults have some level of allergy to cat urine and saliva, which is what
people are allergic to. It's not really the dander, you guys, it's the saliva, you know,
cats groom themselves a lot, they lick their fur and all the things. And so a lot of people are
allergic to cats. There are other people that are allergic to dogs, but cats seem to be a really,
really common allergy. So I, because I have one couple that got divorced over a cat,
I just want to say this out loud. Do you want to have cats or do you want to have a husband?
And the reason why I say that is, is because I don't know if you can have both.
But I do know that you're lessening the dating pool by 30%. When you insist that the person
has to like cats and, or be not allergic to cats.
As someone who's married, but was single, I will tell you that no animal has been that important to me,
that I wouldn't be willing to move forward without that specific type of animal if that meant being happily married.
And ladies, you especially have a tendency, I think, ladies more than men, of replacing that desire to have children
using that desire and kind of commuting it into taking care of animals, and a lot of animals sometimes.
Now, if you're the type of person who you can't be happy unless you live on a compound with a bunch of animals,
like that's your life, maybe you're a vet, maybe you grew up on a farm and you live on a farm now and that's your lifestyle.
Your lifestyle is animals and all the things. Now, that's going to become a deal breaker.
That's going to become a non-negotiable. You're not a city person. You're not going to live in a city.
You're going to live on a farm. You're going to live out on a piece of land with a bunch of animals.
Goats and cows and dogs and cats and all the things. Now, I think that that is understandable.
And for those of you that I can't decide whether it's a non-negotiable for you or not,
but if you truly cannot be happy in this life without your animals, then yes, go ahead and put it as a non-negotiable.
But just remember that specifically cats, you are lessening the dating pool with allergies to a high extent actually.
So, we've already had one couple get divorced over a cat. It's really sad.
It's really sad. Now, I'm not a cat hater. I just want to let you guys know that.
Do not write in and say, Jackie hates cats. I do not hate cats. I'm also not allergic to cats.
I just happen to know because I'm a dating coach and a matchmaker that there's a lot of people that are.
And so, the answer to that question is yes, it might be a non-negotiable if you're the kind of person
that absolutely cannot be happy. You can't. Even if you had a human, you had a spouse,
you could not be happy without your animals, then you got to go ahead and put that on the list.
And we'll just have to trust the Lord. All right, Rachel, you're up.
Hi, Jackie. So, I was wondering if personality is something that should be a non-negotiable or preference
as far as like complimentary personality. Is that something that you should put on your list?
I don't think that that should be on your non-negotiable list. I mean, it's obviously a deal breaker
if you're not compatible with someone, but you're not going to give them a personality test.
Okay, there's a lot of people that have polar opposite personalities that actually end up doing really well in marriage.
Now, it's not as easy, but I like complimentary opposites. And if I matchmake someone,
I'm going to matchmake complimentary opposites every time. But there are people that, you know,
they don't have, they don't really like the same things. They don't have a whole lot in common,
but they, it just works for whatever reason. So, I'm going to say it's not a non-negotiable,
but it is going to lean more into your compatibility score.
Okay. Thank you.
You're welcome. Christine?
Are you talking to me?
Christine Dell.
Oh, yes. Yes. Okay. Hi. It's really Christy, but anyway.
Oh, wait. Okay.
But that's just my full name. Anyway, so I had a couple that I'm just not sure if they really are non-negotiables.
Some just have to do with kind of like vision, lifestyle. After reading some of this, like energy level,
if you're kind of an active person, if you're a go-getter kind of person,
if you have some similar shared vision with things you want to do in your life,
or if those things can kind of just be open to, I think it's just knowing like, will we be on the same page enough?
And even if they don't have the same thing, could they support me?
Yeah, I don't like that on the non-negotiable list. Let's make that a preference.
Because you guys, whatever it is that you think that you want to do with your life can really change after you meet your spirit mate.
It really can. David and I are doing things that we never dreamed we'd be doing together or just doing in general.
You know, the things that I was doing when I met my husband 20 years ago, the things that I loved 20 years ago,
and that I wanted to do with my life 20 years ago have greatly changed.
And so it's more important. I have people all the time that will come in because a lot of Christians will gravitate towards my programs.
And they'll say, well, I'm a missionary, you know, and I'm called to this country.
You know, I was in a missions field for years and years where I grew up on a missions field
with my parents.
And, you know, I want to, I went back to this country, but for whatever reason, you know,
God led me back to the States and I'm back here, but someday I might go back to that
mission field.
You know, I need to make that a non-negotiable that they have to want to move to Turkey or
Syria or wherever with me.
And no, you don't, because you don't even know if you're going back there, you know,
just because it was a season of your life and it was a mission field in your life does
not mean that that's your future.
And so it's more important if we're compatible, if we enjoy each other, if we have the same
values.
If here's one thing that you could put on your non-negotiable list is that this person's
relationship with God is the type of relationship where, and you guys don't put this on your
non-negotiable list.
If this isn't the way you are, this is the way I am, but it might not be the way that
you are because I used to be a missionary and I still consider myself a missionary.
I'm a missionary to marriage and family.
I'm a revivalist in marriage and family now.
Everything that I do has the theme of me being on mission and saying yes to God and sacrificing
whatever it is that I want in my life to do what God's asking me to do.
So you can put that on your non-negotiable list.
It was on mine.
And so basically the non-negotiable sounded like this.
If God says, if God asked me to do something, the answer is yes.
If it's to pick up everything that I own and move tomorrow to, you know, Pakistan,
I'm going, okay?
I'm saying that to you guys and you're like, oh Jackie, I hope that doesn't happen.
Well, I hope it doesn't happen either, but I would do it, okay?
And I believe and trust the Lord in it.
My husband and I, and my husband has the exact same heart and mindset.
That's how we ended up in Austin, Texas.
God told us to move there, you guys, and we moved there with no place to live and all
of our belongings in a U-Haul.
When our kids were all grown up, they were all off to school and it was just an empty
nest.
And God's like, hey, move to Austin, Texas.
And we did it.
Now, if I would have had a spouse, that's the kind of spouse that wouldn't do that.
They're like, oh, I got my roots down here in Columbus, Ohio, I'm going to live here
until I die.
I'm going to work at the same job until I die or get laid off or get fired.
I have my 401k, I'm not doing anything until I'm retirement age and then maybe we can go
on an adventure.
That wouldn't be a good fit for me because that's not the way I've ever lived my life.
I've lived my life just being willing if God says, hey, this is what I'm doing for me to
yell shotgun and go along with it.
And so I married a man like that as well.
So if you're that type of person that has that type of kind of relationship with God,
then you can put that on your non-negotiable list.
You can't put anything on your non-negotiable list, please listen, that you are not already.
You want someone fit and healthy if you're not fit and healthy.
Don't put that you want someone who's financially, you know, fiscally responsible or financially
well off if you're broke.
So many ladies, and I'm going to call you out right now, I see it much more in women
than I do men, they are looking for a man to be their financial plan.
That is not right.
It's not right.
And no man who's a wise steward should want to marry a woman who's fiscally irresponsible.
Gentlemen, it's just as important.
She doesn't have to be rich, but it's just as important for a woman to be a wise steward
of what she has as a man.
Okay.
Hopefully I answered your question.
Was it Christina?
Yeah.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
All right, guys, it's got off my little soapbox and I'm no longer on it.
So Wendy, you're next.
Don't be afraid, Wendy.
I'm nice.
Where is she?
Okay, Nicole.
Hi, I actually have a question.
I could ask a non-negotiable one, but I had a question about advisory councils.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
For me, I just moved recently to a new state in Tennessee.
I have a lot of people and connections from a bunch of different places, but not necessarily
here.
The people I know here are more like on an acquaintance level.
So I'm just kind of looking for ideas of what I could do about that.
I still want to reach out to some people in different places, like in Atlanta and over
in the Augusta area, back home in Alabama.
I have an idea of maybe someone I can ask here, but just maybe what should that look
like since I've just moved?
Yeah.
What are your thoughts?
Your advisory circle.
does not have to be local, y'all.
It doesn't have to be local at all.
The criteria is that they know you well,
that you trust them to speak into your life.
They have different circle than you do.
Okay, these are the criterias.
They don't have to be local to you.
In fact, you want them to have a different circle.
Okay.
Yeah, I've got another one in Texas I could ask as well.
It's just, it's all kind of spread out.
If something did work out,
that would be interesting trying to date, but yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean, listen, I mean, they're gonna,
they're enlisting to help you with your love life.
So hopefully if they know someone in their area
that they want to introduce you to,
they could also put you up, you know,
in their spare bedroom when you come to visit
to meet that person.
Yeah, all of them would be willing to do that, I'm sure.
It's lovely.
Yeah.
Thank you.
It's great to have that many choices.
All right.
Okay, so that was Nicole, right?
And so Hunter.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm back now.
Oh, wait, who's back?
Nicole?
Wendy, Wendy.
I'm Wendy Bradford.
Oh, Wendy.
Oh, there's Wendy.
Okay, go ahead, Wendy.
Yeah, I said that I wanted to have,
I never had children,
so I wanted to have somebody who already had kids
because I love kids.
Is that?
I think that's a beautiful preference.
I wouldn't make it a non-negotiable.
Okay.
Yeah, but listen, God knows the desires of your heart.
Yeah.
A lot of times people, you know, when this is the case,
and it's not just you, Wendy,
but so many people out there never had children.
They really are hoping to have access to some children
and grandchildren through their future spouse.
And oftentimes that's what happens,
but definitely don't want you to turn down
a really wonderful partner
that also, like you, didn't have children
because the opportunity to impact young people
and to impact people that become like children,
spiritual children,
and people that come around you in family is great.
Okay.
And maybe they have nieces and nephews.
Maybe they don't have children,
but maybe they have nieces and nephews that are close to them.
It could be all kinds of things.
So it's really important just to leave your options open there.
All right.
I want to do this really quick
because I want to go over marriage curious
versus marriage minded and ready versus, you know,
the readiness over romance kind of idea.
And just, you know, just for two seconds
before we end tonight.
So Hunter and Jacqueline,
let's just do the non-negotiable real quick.
No backstory.
What's up, Hunter?
Well, I was thinking about if I was to meet somebody,
I like to, my biggest part is relocating.
I want to be local here.
I have no plans to relocate
until I get to fully know the person.
And my worst part is moving further away from my family
because I moved from Ohio to New York.
But unless I relocate back to Ohio,
is that a good non-negotiable?
Because I don't like moving away.
I mean, no one likes moving away.
A lot of people don't like change,
but that doesn't make it a non-negotiable.
Non-negotiables as far as relocation would be concerning.
You guys, I'm just helping you
because I don't want you to limit your options.
There's a lot of people that are gonna meet a spirit mate
that is a situation where they're gonna relocate, okay?
It's happening all the time.
In fact, my word for singles in 23, 2023,
was relocation, relocation, relocation.
And so many people relocated.
Now, Hunter, in your situation, just dealing with,
some of the things you've been dealing with,
being close to community and being rooted in community.
I think that in your case,
staying rooted where you are and in community,
I think is a good idea.
So I think that it's okay for you to have that
as a non-negotiable right now.
My non-negotiable is to meet my family,
both our families and the extended family, if possible,
and spend more time doing it.
Because I don't like the ideas.
My last thing I need is more for my spouse
for me to marry someone who's never met my whole family.
Well, of course, Hunter.
Of course, they're gonna meet your family
before you marry them.
Yes, that should be a non-negotiable for sure.
Okay, Wendy, you're up.
What do you got?
I think you may know.
Oh, Jacqueline, Jacqueline, oh yes, Jacqueline.
So I don't watch TV very much,
but I know some people have to have background noise
all the time, 24 seven.
I dated someone a couple of dates
and they have to have TV on all the time
and even had Netflix when they were driving.
And I have four kids, I already have enough chaos in my life
so I like peace and quiet in the home,
like maybe some soft music, but no noise.
Is that a dumb non-negotiable?
I know, I didn't realize it's a thing,
but a lot of people I know
have to have background noise on all the time.
Well, first of all,
what you're describing is kind of extreme.
You know, someone, you know,
watching Netflix when they're driving.
I mean, these are extreme scenarios,
what you're describing.
But, you know, you guys, I just want to let you know,
when you get married
and when you bring another person into your life,
they are going to be different than you.
They are going to live differently than you do.
You know, they are going to.
Disturb your peace, so to speak, in certain ways, you know, like, you know, my husband
is the loudest chewer that I've ever heard in my life.
He scrapes the plate with his fork, you know, I'm just like, is this all men?
Is this you?
What's happening?
I don't know.
You know, and just general, in general, ladies, no offense to you men, but in general, men
are just kind of loud.
They burp, they fart, they, you know, they snore, you know, some of you ladies probably
snore as well.
I just want you to get ready for the fact that someone is going to be in your space
and if you haven't had anyone in your space ever, or maybe for a long time, um, it's going
to be a rude awakening.
Now what she's describing is a lifestyle of, you know, entertainment and media.
That's not really something that she does with her life.
So it's not a non-negotiable, but it is, it is more on the preference side that you would
be with someone who isn't really into watching TV, into watching movies, likes to be outside
more.
So if I was going to put part of that into a non-negotiable, Jacqueline, what I would
put into the non-negotiable is that you want someone, um, who really has the same morals
and values as you do.
You know, someone who values the things that you value, which it sounds like you value
family time.
It sounds like you value, um, you know, cultivating peace, uh, in your life, you know, in, in
places of peace.
It sounds like you value making your house a refuge of peace.
And so I would put it more like that instead of like, they can't watch TV, they can't like
music, they can't like anything that I don't like.
I would put it more into a value or a principle than I would into a preference.
Make sense?
Yes.
Thank you.
That's perfect.
Okay.
All right, you guys, let's go over real quick.
The, um, the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Now let's go over the four, um, the four signals, the four genuine signals of readiness.
Okay.
Say they have all your non-negotiables.
I want you to work on your non-negotiable lists and please be looking in the group because
I'm going to post some more little tidbits about your non-negotiables.
Use the worksheet, but I'm going to add to it.
I'm going to explain some even deeper things that are going to help you with that brain
dump categories and then weeding it out and weeding it down.
Okay.
I want all of you to come with your non-negotiable lists next week and no one's list better have
more than 15 things on it.
All right.
Okay.
Don't sneak the peas into the mashed potatoes.
All right.
Don't do it.
Don't be like, I want this, but then you have 15 footnotes underneath there.
No, 15 non-negotiables period.
Okay.
Try to weed it down.
I'm going to help you, but say they have everything, every single thing, or they don't have the
things on your non-negotiables, meaning like some of your non-negotiables be like, I don't
want this.
Right?
So they either have it or they don't have it, meaning that they fit what you want.
Are they ready for marriage?
Are they ready for a relationship?
Are they marriage minded?
Are they marriage curious?
And so here are the four signals of those.
The number one thing you're going to be looking for.
We're going to talk about that 30, 60, 90 day framework next week.
Are they planning?
And gentlemen, this is not just you.
It's women as well.
Ladies, I know you just want to sit back like a passenger princess in this life and just
let the man plan everything.
That is not what marriage looks like.
I don't know who came up with this BS, but it is not what marriage looks like.
It's ridiculous.
It really is.
It's so dumb.
I don't even know where it comes from.
Okay.
Half of you in here have such strong preferences about where you want to go and what you want
to do.
Just sit back and let some man plan some subpar version of that so that you can just be like,
I'm not enjoying myself on this date.
Give the brother some help.
Okay?
Let him know what you like to do.
Make some suggestions, help him out.
Marriage is West Coast swing.
It's not a waltz.
You're not looking for some man to drag you around the dance floor for the rest of your
life leading the steps.
You are going to collaborate together.
This is a collaboration.
This is a partnership.
If you want me to get into what it is that feminine was supposed to add to the masculine
all the way back to Genesis, I will do that, but you will see very clearly it was not a
passenger princess lifestyle and it wasn't a help meet becoming some sort of supporting
actress to his main character either.
It ain't any of that.
So we're bringing back biblical marriage.
That's what we're doing here.
And I want you to step into your kingdom marriage.
Okay?
So are they a commitment ready person?
That's the number one signal.
Do are they someone who is looking to get to know you?
It's not about them planning.
Perfect date. It's about them trying to get in person with you
person who's
Kind of wanting to get to know someone is like, yeah, let's go do something sometime
All right, there's no follow-through. There's no availability there. Their schedule is packed solid. They're like, yeah, you know
I don't really have a lot of time right now, but you know, maybe next month again. This person is not marriage minded
They're not looking for a relationship
They're not they're looking for attention and they're getting it on this app or however
You've met them, but they're not interested in building anything or pushing anything forward. Okay, so the number one thing are they available?
Are they suggesting?
Opportunities for you guys to get together. Are they planning? Are they making getting to know you a priority?
That's the number one thing. The number two thing is that their behavior must match their words
Their behavior must match their words, okay
Someone who says that they had a really good time on a date with you
But then afterwards you don't hear from them for three days. That's not congruent. Is it?
Someone who says hey, I can't wait to do this again
But guess what they can wait to do it again because you don't hear from them for two weeks. That's not congruent
Their behavior and their words must match. Okay, the number three thing is is that someone who really is
Interested in getting to know you and is really liking the connection is someone who's gonna probably bring you into their world sooner rather than
later
If they're a marriage minded person
They're going to want the people that are important to them to meet you sooner rather than later
Maybe not their kids and maybe not their parents, but definitely their friends
Definitely their colleagues people that they do things with people that they do life with they're going to want to involve you
in
That shenanigans sooner rather than later. Okay, and then the fourth signal is is how do they handle the first thing that goes wrong in a
Relationship the first time that you have to cancel true story. A
Guy a girl matched
It was exciting they had a lot in common
She got into a fender-bender
Two days before the wedding
Two days before the date
He actually didn't want to reschedule because he didn't believe it was true
He thought she was just making it up to get out of the date
So this would be the definition of how do they handle the first inconvenience the first thing that goes wrong
How do they handle it? Do they get suspicious? Do they back away? Do they pull away? Do they withdraw?
Do they get angry do they accuse you of doing something that you're not doing?
Oh, you had a date with someone else. You went out with someone else instead of with me, you know, do it what happens?
Do they get upset because you disagreed with them about something that you guys both saw on the news and then they got all
Butthurt over it and then you didn't hear from them for four days
And then when you heard from them, they expected you to apologize. It's like this is good information
To tell you the ending of that story. He did give her another chance. They did reschedule the date and now they're married
Thank you very much. Okay, so
You guys the road to true love does not run smooth
There is no connection that you are ever gonna get in that's not gonna require effort. There's no connection. That's not gonna have conflict
There's no effort. There's no connection. That's not gonna have miscommunications
It's gonna happen and
So a marriage minded person a person who's done enough work in order to be able to really partner is
Going to take that stuff in stride. All right, that's gonna be really important. That is readiness over romance
All right. So your homework is to do that sheet to build your non-negotiables. I will be putting up some other things in the
The app group the modern dating sucks app group not the Facebook page the app group
Just some more tips and tricks to help you to do an even better job on weeding down those non-negotiables
Into that 0 to 15 list. All right. I'm excited to see you next week. Keep building your relationship advisory circle
Continue to do your homework
There's a whole new reading assignment and a bunch of stuff in there for week 4 and I'll see you soon. Bye everyone