Yeah, so we'll go ahead and do that, and we'll get started.
We're going to switch some things up a little bit today.
I'm going to kind of let God kind of take over a little bit, okay?
All right, so, yes, today, I'm going to go ahead and pray.
And good morning, good morning, Nancy, awesome.
Okay, yeah, so as people come on, they're going to get us in prayer here,
and then we'll start our coaching session, okay?
So, Heavenly Father, I just thank you for bringing us together today, Lord,
on this Tuesday, and every Tuesday, Father.
Thank you for the work that you've been doing in each
and every person this week in their heart.
Lord, thank you for being a God that doesn't leave us where we're at,
but continues to lovingly transform us day by day.
Lord, this past Saturday, Jackie encouraged us to continue to pray that bold prayer,
teach us, show us, heal us, and grow us.
And so, Lord, I just ask that we step into this Tuesday with that same prayer.
And we do every single week, Father.
Give us hearts that are willing to receive whatever it is that you want to reveal.
Lord, help us to not fear the places that feel uncomfortable.
Stretch us.
Stretch us in those moments, Lord.
But that we don't fear that, but we trust.
We trust that you're revealing something because you love us,
because you are inviting us into something greater.
You're inviting us into healing.
You're inviting us into that freedom, Father.
Lord, if there's any offense, insecurity, fear, old patterns that rise up
as we encounter people this week,
can you help us just to sit with that discomfort long enough
for you to reveal what it is that you want us to see in that discomfort, in that offense?
Oftentimes, it's easy for us to want to rush past that discomfort
or even just try to fix things ourselves or fix other people.
Lord, just help us to sit still in those moments
and recognize that you're giving us an invitation to partner with you in something deeper,
something that's healing,
because that is something that you desire so much for our hearts.
Holy Spirit, I just ask that you lead this conversation today.
Give us ears to hear your voice, courage to receive your truth,
and grace to celebrate every growth, every step of the way.
No matter how small or how large it is, Lord, that you just reveal it to us
and you allow us to celebrate it.
So Lord, we just surrender this time to you.
We trust that you will accomplish exactly what you desire for each and every one of us today.
In Jesus' name, amen.
All right. Yes, it looks like we got some more people jumped on.
That's perfect.
So yes, I did our prayer first today and then our housekeeping.
Okay, it's August 4th. It's Tuesday.
It's our one o'clock afternoon call.
Hey, Sarah. Good to see you.
I got Shantella here. I've got to see who else jumped on.
I got Lisa, Kristen, Cynthia, Rhonda's here, Audrey's here, Tracy, Jennifer.
I got so many of you on here today.
I love it.
Thank you. Thank you for my top.
I appreciate it. This one actually has a state on it.
But I put a skirt on and I like hike it up.
and it covers the stain. It was like a brand new shirt and the first time I wore it, I actually
think my husband might have put it in the wash or something and like stained it. I'm like that was a
brand new shirt and he's like we'll just get another one and I'm like that just seems like
a hassle and I was like you know I'm gonna make this shirt work and so I found a cute skirt that
I had in the back of my closet and it still works and so it's perfect for the summer so
thank you thank you for that compliment um so yeah we don't have a whole lot of housekeeping
items today um it is I don't think do I have any brand new do I have any newbies to phase two
anybody I don't think I think I feel like I recognize everybody
I got someone that's a samson sma326u I don't know who that is I haven't seen that before
um um sometimes I know we sometimes jump on um different ways of getting on zoom so you you
might not be new you might be somebody that we we've had here for a while but um but anyway
if you're watching this in replay and you are new to phase two we are so excited to have you here
um this is our Tuesday community coaching call we have one at one o'clock eastern and one at
eight o'clock eastern p.m. um you have myself Carla Johnson and Ebony um who we are your coaches
here in phase two we typically teach usually from the same outline we try to keep it similar
but if you've ever been to both calls or watched them in replay you'll know that we we each offer
something a little bit different in each call um so I always encourage you to either get to one
live and then watch the other one in replay or watch both in replay um or go to both live whatever
you can do um at least try to make it to one or at least watch one in replay so that's super
important um make sure you're going to those supernatural Saturdays those are really really
good Jackie leads those um and then we have prayer calls every week and then in phase two again if
you're brand new it's set up a little bit differently than phase one but not too differently
okay there's no book per se uh hey Tamera it's so good to see you um I figured I figured it was
like someone who just was wasn't brand new it was just you had to get on in a different way
um so it's good to see you but yeah um get on those supernatural Saturdays we've got prayer
calls every day through the week get on those if you can um what was I saying uh phase one and
phase two a little bit different phase one we have that heart workbook and so you kind of go
through that phase two is a little bit different we still have teaching content we've got five
videos in the course content there okay we don't want you rushing through that all right there's
purpose for that okay we want you to be able to um pace yourself okay we don't want you rushing
through the content all right this is set up so that you ladies can take what you learned in phase
one and start applying it to phase two okay because this is where we release you and give you
the freedom to start dating now not everyone dates right out the gate some of us take a little more
time than others um and that's totally fine but um make sure that you are watching those videos
but try to watch only one of those a week okay this is separate from our live Tuesday calls
okay so this is the teachings that um they're pre-recorded there's stuff that Jackie's taught
on and things um that Renee Renee's another one of our coaches she is a an OG like myself
she's been in the program for some time she just recently got married as well so she's been through
our community as a single um as a student and she is now coaching as well so um as all of us coaches
we've all been students and many of us are now married um and our success stories and there
are a handful of the ladies that are coaches that are still students and still single but
their marriages are coming okay so um definitely good stuff there um i don't want to make sure i
forget anything so yeah make sure you're checking out that resource tab lots of good information
there if you want to set up one-on-one coaching there's information to be able to do that um
there's if you want to share this community with other people there's ways of doing that in there
when you
You are ready to move over to phase three.
That's also in the resource page.
You're gonna hold off on jumping into phase three
at least for like five to six weeks.
Again, I don't want you rushing over there, okay?
That phase is always gonna be there, all right?
So it's not going anywhere, all right?
I really want you ladies to be able to absorb
what we've got here for you.
Same thing like in phase one,
we didn't want you rushing through heartwork,
but just in case to rush through heartwork, okay?
Because sometimes it happens, all right?
We feel like, you know, we're ready.
And we get here and we're like,
whoa, this is a lot, I wanna go back to heartwork.
And so we definitely don't want you to feel
like you have to go back.
We heartwork you in here too, okay?
But we definitely don't want you to like
have rushed through phase one and rushed through phase two
that you jump into phase three
and then you kind of lose momentum.
And so we really do set up these phases
to really help you absorb the foundations
of what this community has to offer, okay?
So yeah, definitely check out that resource tab.
We are gonna do some live coaching at the end of this call.
I'm gonna try to leave as much of the time as I can for that
but if you know that you have a question
for today, do me a favor at this very, very moment,
can you be thinking of your question
and go ahead and write that down
and maybe even put that in the chat, okay?
Just something short, brief and powerful
if you have a question because I really do wanna try
to get to as many questions as possible today, okay?
So I don't want us to neglect those
but I also want us to be thinking
about what those questions are
because I think sometimes when we think about it
and we can condense it into like one or two sentences
or like one or two like question,
like sentences that ask a specific question,
we can get through a lot more.
Okay, so let's definitely get those there.
Okay, thank you so much, Dana.
So she's got something she wants to process
with some dates that she's had so that will be good.
So think about the question though,
like one specific thing that's happened
that you really wanna zone in on
because we're not gonna have all the time
to be able to unpack everything, okay?
I know we got more questions than just Dana, okay?
And so be thinking about that.
I'm gonna do things a little bit differently,
slightly differently today, okay?
Still gonna do our celebrating, okay?
But I'm actually gonna invite you ladies
in on this process, okay?
And we're gonna engage a little bit more, okay?
So as always, I like to celebrate things, all right?
I wanna take a few minutes just to kind of recognize
like what God has been doing
and what he's been showing us this week in our community.
This week, I noticed things were a little bit quieter
than most weeks, but it still didn't take away,
like I didn't have as many posts in the app this week
as I usually do, but there was still a lot of joy
in being able to catch up in a lot of those posts.
And so I always love catching up on what y'all share
in the community, in the app.
And so there was a lot of cool things that I saw
and I really like it.
So what I did notice, like not every single one
of those posts and those experiences that were shared
were probably easy to walk through
or easy to even share about.
But almost every single one revealed evidence
that heartwork is coming to life.
And I thought that was really something to celebrate.
And so I saw people honoring boundaries,
people using their voice.
I saw ladies slowing things down
and asking like really good questions,
not reacting right away.
I thought that was huge.
Like actually like sitting with a situation
and not like going into reaction.
know, but like sitting with it. I saw people celebrating the progress that they're making
instead of focusing so much on the outcome being what they wanted it to be.
And a lot of people just intentionally inviting God into this process. And so I thought that was
really exciting. And so I want to hear from you ladies this week that you're not just hearing from
me. And so I'm going to ask you to share, okay, what's one win you experienced this week? Okay,
this doesn't have to be a huge breakthrough. Okay. Maybe you went on a date. Maybe you joined
a dating app. Maybe you asked a question instead of assuming something. Maybe you honored a boundary.
Maybe that was new for you this week. Maybe it was that you were someone, you know, one of those
people like, I didn't react this week. I actually sat back and just let God reveal something to me
this week. So I want you to think about what is it that, you know, what's a win? Okay. And it might
not have anything to do with dating at all. Okay. So go ahead. Unmute yourself. Okay. If you want to,
if you can't unmute yourself because maybe you're at work or maybe you're driving,
drop it in the chat. Okay. If you're driving, don't drop it in the chat. Okay. Sarah, don't
drop it in the chat. Pull over to the side of the road. Okay. She's the only one I see right now
driving. Okay. I don't know if anybody that has cameras off is driving, but yeah. So let's just
go ahead. You don't have to, you don't have to raise your hand for this. Just let's go ahead
and unmute, share. What's, what's, what's one of your wins? So let's, let's make this a win. Let's
make, let, this is not going to be the coaching part. Okay. We're not going to give the storytelling.
I just, let's get to a win. We will have time at the end to get coaching. We are just going
to focus on our win. What was our win this week? All right. Unmute, share. I pulled over if I could
go. Okay. Perfect. Go for it. Okay. Hi Carla. Hi everybody. I wanted to share, I'm going to get a
little emotional, but I had a good conversation with a guy, but it was also a really hard one.
And instead of kind of dismissing how I felt after the conversation, I didn't talk to him for like
the weekend. And I was just really trying to pray and process. And it was just really good. And I
appreciated your feedback, Carla and Ebony's too. And so anyways, I'm just sitting in it and I'm
just kind of like allowing myself to fill the bills and, and you know, not just try to kind of
make it okay. Like how I felt in the, in the conversation, you know, trying to kind of just
say like trying to downplay my feelings, especially if I felt not good at something that he said or
whatever. So I, I appreciate that because he is, he was very handsome and he was very cool and he
was very flattering and all of that. But I think I just got caught up in all the, like, you know,
the back and forth, the connections, the compliments, you know, and, and then I was
going to be downplaying how I felt the effects of, you know, some things that we've discussed. So I,
I just feel like that's a win that I didn't immediately try to connect with him again over
the weekend that I didn't immediately try to, you know, just disregard how I felt. So I feel like
that's a win. Yes. I love that. And I'm so glad that you did pull over to unmute because I enjoyed
like reading your posts this week. And I'm so thankful that you, you did see my share. I know I,
I took a little, I had some alone time this week. And so I took some time away from the app over the
weekend. And so I was, you know, jumping in yesterday to like catch up. And so I'm so glad
that you did get to see what I shared with you because I wasn't in as frequently as I am over
the last couple of days. And so I'm glad that you shared that because I saw your wins this week.
And so that was exciting. And I'm, I'm, I'm really glad that you saw them too.
So anybody else, let's see, I think.
Yep, you're welcome.
Anybody else?
I think Dana, Lisa, did you?
Yes, I think you both unmuted.
So I wanna hear your wins too.
And then I've got some more in the chat.
I'll be quick.
Okay.
I had two dates with the same man.
Yes.
So we're gonna go through that later on.
Yes.
Yes, all right.
So she got a second date.
So she had two dates, same guy.
I love it.
Y'all, that is a huge win.
I think that's, for me,
that would have been a huge win for me
because my experience in this community
when I was a student, I rarely got the second date.
Is anybody else, can anybody else relate to that?
Yeah.
Dana's like, yeah, that's a win.
That was me too.
Like, I'd have one date with somebody
and it would be good.
Or sometimes it'd be like, eh, it's okay.
Like, I'll go on a second date if they ask
and then they never ask.
And so that, I love it.
I love that you got a second date with somebody.
That's a good win.
All right, Lisa, what's your win?
I've been seeing some friends and all that I have not,
but I've been traveling some
and I'm just sharing that I'm gonna get married
and I've never been married.
And so there's just a, Lisa,
and I was like, no, I have not met him,
but I will be getting married.
And I said, the Lord put this on my heart about a year ago
and I know that he would never put something on my heart
and not follow through.
And my friends are just like, oh my God,
we're gonna be at the wedding.
I'm gonna sing at the wedding and all.
And so that's huge growth for me in terms of sharing,
just, I know what's going to happen.
So yeah.
That's a win.
Ladies, that is, ladies, I want you to listen to that win.
Like sit with that one.
That is a huge win.
Cause I can guarantee you, we've all sat,
like I'm gonna say it myself,
been in this program and I was never married before.
It is so easy for us to sit there and get discouraged
and think, well, if it hasn't happened yet,
then it must not happen.
And sometimes the most challenging thing
is to get over that wall of discouragement
and start claiming, no, this is a desire
that God put in my heart.
It's gonna happen.
That is a win.
Cause that, and now you're speaking it into existence.
You are now, you're coming out of alignment
with the discouragement and you're coming into alignment
with what God has placed in your heart.
And that is huge.
So I love that.
Okay, I'm gonna read a few more
and then we're gonna jump into,
I got one more question for you ladies.
Jennifer, she made a decision not to pursue an opportunity
that didn't feel right.
I love that.
That's good.
Like sometimes if you, like some of us have that FOMO,
like the opportunities are there.
Like we always feel like we have,
anything that's in front of us,
we have to go ahead and take the opportunity
because you know, oh, like it's there, so we must take it.
And so, but sometimes God puts us in those situations
and is like, you get to choose.
Like you get to practice that.
You get to choose.
Like, I don't, you know what?
Just because the opportunity's there
doesn't mean that I have to choose it.
I get to go partner with God and I get to go,
you know, he gives me a choice.
He gives me that free will.
So I love that.
Lucy, no worries about being late.
No big deal.
Lucy, I hope that you,
I know you shared a couple of weeks ago.
I hope that you got my response in that.
I haven't checked this week if you got to that.
So hopefully you did.
And if you did, I definitely want an update
from you at some point.
Okay, so Catherine, she has a good question
about what are good discerning questions in dating.
Okay.
Rhonda, no worries.
We're gonna get you your first date.
We're gonna break that seal.
Rhonda, wasn't you this week that you did break the seal?
And you like reached out to somebody on the dating apps?
Was that you?
There was somebody.
She might not be able to unmute.
So I'm gonna wait, see if you put something in the chat.
chat. Okay, so we haven't completed profiles yet. No worries, no worries. Ladies, again,
it's all a process. We're going to get to all of that, okay? Like that, we're going to get to that,
all right? I think today's going to be really, really good for us. Yes, Peggy,
she's expressing to people too that she wants to remarry. I love it.
No way that you're confessing a crime. No, no, absolutely not, all right? Maybe we need to,
we're going to pray about who we're expressing that to then, okay? And we're not going to let
that just, hopefully it's not discouraging you, okay? I want to hear from you as well. I want to
hear more about that. Yes, Nancy, yes, she had a lot of wins this week. Y'all, if you did not get
an opportunity to go in that app, you need to because she had such an amazing week walking out
this discovery dating process. She had so many amazing wins. She was using her voice. She was
upholding her boundaries. She was being open. She was gathering information, but she stayed so
grounded. Even when there was a little bit of that, like, I don't know what to do. This is new.
This is different for me. She came in the community. She was asking questions.
I was so thankful. Right before I kind of took my break to get some alone time for myself this
weekend, she had posted and was like, I need help. I'm so glad I had saw that when I did.
And so I was able to help her a little bit with some of the coaching.
And she found out really quickly what she was getting herself involved in, but she didn't
rush it. But she sat with the process and God revealed very quickly to her. It was like a very,
very perfect scenario of walking out what we teach you here in last year's single and phase
two. Like she really like trusted the process with us. And so please, if you haven't gone the app,
go check her her progress out. It was huge. Such good things. Okay, we're gonna I don't want to
take up too much time. We're already 30 minutes in because I want to leave lots of time. Yes,
that whirlwind lasted about six days. But she went through the process, y'all. She didn't rush
that process one bit. God unfolded everything in his timing. I really truly believe that.
So yes, it was Rhonda. Okay, I saw it, Rhonda. Yes, she did break a seal. So she might not have
gotten a date date yet, but she's breaking the seal. So ladies, trust the process. Okay,
like y'all are on your journeys. Don't worry about like where you're at in journey on your
journey compared to somebody else. Like just trust the process. Okay, so I love hearing
all of those wins. I'm so glad that we're doing that. I really, I really want to start
incorporating, I think, doing that each week. So with your wins, all right, I want y'all to sit
with this for just a minute. Okay, this one is we're not going to respond right away. I'm going
to ask you a second question. As you look back over this week, and look back at your wins,
I want you to ask yourself, what do you think God was trying to reveal to you?
Okay, think about that.
What is one thing that God was trying to reveal to you this this week? What was he showing you?
All right. This is where I want us to really sit. Okay, and be thinking about it.
this. Go ahead and write that down or put it in the chat. We're not going to unmute
because I do want to get us to the teaching so we can get to these
questions because I think we have a lot of questions today which is good. Okay
but write it down put it in the chat. What did God try to reveal to you this
week? Okay and so as you do that okay as I go through this teaching I want you
to be thinking about that okay because what I noticed this week is we had all
these different situations different women different questions different men
all right y'all are dating different men right thankfully not all dating the same
guy that might have that actually has happened I think in this community at
one point or another like people realize like they might be dating the same
person doesn't happen often though but we're all dating different men we're all
different people different ladies different situations different things
but underneath all of these stories is the same thing that God is revealing
something that's the same okay and it's not always about the guy all right it's
sometimes he's revealing confidence in us sometimes he's revealing more about
our identity or sometimes like Nancy he revealed some boundaries in her voice
that she could trust the process yes and she can honor it she can articulate her
boundary and she can honor it that's what she got to reveal this week
sometimes God's revealing old beliefs and so I really want you to sit with
that this week and and I couldn't help when I was reading through y'all's post
about what Jackie's shared on Supernatural Saturday she shared reveal
it so God can heal it and that's really something that hit me I don't think that
was just a great message I mean it was it was a really I mean I feel like every
Saturday is a great message I mean there's nothing I don't ever think
Jackie can't come on and and not like she's just so anointed like God just
speaks through her like I'm so thankful for her and her obedience such a great
message but I think that was not just only a great message but I think we've
actually been watching God answer that all week long and even longer than a
week I think it's been actually happening several weeks here in our face
in phase two and I think that's what he wants us to sit with today in our
teaching and ask that we're gonna ask that like I'm gonna answer that question
of why discovery dating okay you hear us you hear myself and Ebony talk about
discovery dating all the time okay and so we're gonna really get to the why why
discovery dating all right and so this is a rhetorical question ladies why do
you think we spend so much time in phase two on discovery dating
because let's face it wouldn't it be so much easier if Jackie or your coach is
just you know we just we're all praying Oh Lord just let these women meet their
husbands next week and they could just skip the dating process altogether how
many of you would love that yep some of you might not be like wait I don't know
I don't know if I trust I don't know what I if I trust what what my coaches
and Jackie are praying here what kind of what kind of man am I gonna get all right
but yeah I would be so great if it's like we didn't have to go through all
this process you know it would be nice you know I used to say I'm like oh Kim
can I just get my husband Amazon Prime's to my door like please can you
just show up to my front door can I just go on on Amazon and just like scroll
through and like pick the things that I want and purchase it and then it just
get popped on my door you know I wouldn't have to do that you know there'd
be no awkward first dates no having to worry if you get a second date or not
because that was always my thing like it was an okay date or it was a great
date is there going to be a second right
I didn't have to, like, there's no worrying about are they going to text, are they not going to text?
What do I need to text them back? Did I text too soon?
What do I say to them? What do they mean by this?
Right? We didn't have to worry about that. He'd just be at our front door.
That prayer would be answered.
You know, I wouldn't have to go through the disappointment.
How many of you would love to not have to go through the disappointment of dating?
You wouldn't have to be discouraged. You wouldn't have to be disappointed.
Wouldn't have to go through some of the chaos. Yep. Yep.
Wouldn't have to do any of that, right? That would be so wonderful.
There would be no uncertainty. It would be so wonderful.
You know, just ring the doorbell. We could sign for our package and live happily ever after, right?
Don't work that way, does it?
There's a reason it doesn't work that way.
All right.
It's not how it's designed. I mean, it sounds good in theory,
but ladies, let's really think about Amazon Prime right now.
Okay, we're going to go to this story. Amazon Prime.
How many of you use Amazon Prime and love Amazon Prime because
it's so easy to ship back what you don't want?
I know I'm not the only one.
I see a few heads shaking, but I don't see not everybody's on camera.
So I don't know.
Y'all, I'm telling you, like,
I'm thankful because there are several times when those Amazon purchases come to my door
and I'm like, uh, that is not what I thought I ordered.
Or that doesn't fit like I thought it was going to fit.
Or that quality isn't what showed up in the photo.
Like, wait a second, hold the front door.
Or that wasn't disclosed in the description.
Like, hold on a second, you know?
Like, honestly, I kind of laugh because that's me when it comes to Amazon.
Like, I really think the people at the UPS store behind the counter
are probably secretly praying for my husband because they probably see me all the time
and they're like, this poor woman's husband is probably freaking out every day
of what's going to show up on her doorstep.
Sarah, you laugh, right?
Please tell me you're laughing because you relate.
You relate to, like, getting all the Amazon packages and you're like,
man, I wonder what people are, like, what my neighbors think.
You know, like, they must be thinking, like, does she celebrate Christmas all year round?
Like, what's going on?
So that's not, like, as much as it would be nice for husbands just to be Amazon Prime to us
and it just be right there, it's not designed that way.
And honestly, I'm thankful for it because it's the process.
It's so much more than that.
And he's not setting up the discovery dating to make the dating process harder.
He's actually doing it because he's trying to prepare us.
All right?
He's preparing us for something.
So, you know, when we first begin discovery dating, like, we think the big purpose is
we're here to gather information about the men.
Okay?
And that is one of the purposes.
But there's actually two purposes, ladies.
And it's the why we have you do it.
Okay?
So we want you gathering information.
All right?
We've talked a lot about that over the last several weeks, about sitting long enough to
gather information before deciding what to do.
Right?
That's part of the discovery dating process.
All right?
You're looking, how does this guy communicate?
Is he pursuing?
You know, is he interested?
Is he intentional about that?
Does he honor boundaries?
Is there a piece that's coming with the interaction?
You know, you might be trying to observe and gather, like, how do they, how does this man
handle conflict?
How does this man handle discouragement?
How does this man walk through challenging times, maybe?
E, how has he grown?
Right?
As you go through the process,
we're not finding all of this out right away.
Many of you ladies want to know,
how does he show up in his relationship with the Lord?
That's huge.
I mean, and these are good, good questions.
All right?
And those are things that discovery dating
is going to reveal to you about the man.
But there's actually another purpose
that I recognize doesn't always naturally take place
when we first come into phase two.
And it's that discovery dating
isn't only about revealing information about him.
It's about revealing information about us.
So go back to what I had you ladies thinking before.
What was something that God wanted to reveal to you?
Did it have anything to do with the guy?
Or did it have something to do with you and your heart?
That's the invitation.
Okay?
So a lot of women this week encountered so much of that.
Someone noticed filling their self with all these blanks
without knowing the facts.
It was like, there was some uncertainties,
so their mind just wanted to fill in the blanks.
And that's easy.
That's easy to go there.
We naturally want certainty.
We naturally want to understand why is this happening?
And so we'll make up those stories in our heads.
Women do that really, really well.
Someone else recognized an old insecurity.
It quietly resurfaced.
Somebody else recognized their boundaries grew way more
than what they were probably a year ago.
Someone else even recognized that when they walked away
from a relationship, they didn't just see
what they learned about the person
that they were in relationship with,
but they actually spent time celebrating what God was doing
in them for the last four months, which was huge.
Okay?
They're different stories, but it's the same God.
Different situations, same invitation.
All right?
God wasn't only revealing something about the relationship
or the interaction or the encounter
that you're having with the person.
He's revealing something inside you.
Okay?
So I want to be honest here, ladies.
This is actually even something God continues
to work in me too.
Believe it or not.
All right?
We want to sit here and think we're here
for the promise of marriage.
So when we get married, yay, that was me.
I stepped in this community and I like,
that was the promise God gave me.
He had marriage for me and I had to struggle through that.
I had a couple of years of struggling through that.
Right?
Never been married.
I was in my late thirties going into my forties.
I had a son and there was a lot of work
that needed to be done.
And I thought, okay, I'm married now.
Woo-hoo.
Yes, life is good.
God is now in this season, still doing something in me,
teaching me different things, showing me and revealing me.
And there's a lot of times that I'm like,
I want to be a part of that.
I want him just to tell me, like, what exactly is ahead.
I don't wanna have to sit here and wonder about it.
I want, like, just, I don't wanna have to go
through the process and the progress
and all that kind of stuff.
Like, but because I've gone through this community
and I've walked through this preparation
of being single and getting married,
I'm actually now at the capacity where now I get it.
I'm a lot more stubborn too, ladies.
It's taken me a hot minute to recognize it.
All right, so those obstacles don't just go away.
All right, God will actually continue to use opportunities
to reveal places that he wants to grow us in.
And so right now you're in a current situation
where you're discovering dating
and there's gonna be that discomfort
and there's gonna be that discouragement
and there's gonna be those things that surface, okay?
Embrace that process because it is preparing you
for the next promise.
I had the promise of marriage
and ladies, God gave me that promise of marriage.
Like, he's given it all to you.
God even gave me a promise about my marriage
of what he was going to do in my marriage and in my family
and what that was going to look like for the kingdom.
And I was excited, I'm still excited.
But I didn't realize the obstacles that were gonna come
and the hardships and the difficulties
and the discouragement and the stretching and the growing.
Once I got that promise, like I got that promise,
I got the marriage, it was great.
It was great for a little while.
And then it was like, okay, I'm ready to take you now
through your next promise
and there's some more stretching and growing.
And so there is a reason why we do that discovery dating
because it's preparing you ladies, okay?
So it's going to reveal those things that need to grow, okay?
And so I wanna give you this illustration, okay?
Because I know many of us at the beginning of the call,
you're like, well, I haven't gone on a date yet
or I have a date, all that.
I want you to think of a pool.
All right, big giant pool, summer,
big community public pool.
It's called the last year single pool.
All right, you have to have the membership to get in.
All right, we hoping the hot guys are there.
We are, right?
We're constantly asking Jackie,
are there men in the community?
When do we get to the men?
I know y'all are asking that.
I totally get that.
All right, but let's take a second, right?
Let's vision this pool.
Some of you ladies are at the pool,
some of you at the gate, all right?
You're like, all right, maybe I wanna get in,
maybe I don't, maybe I wanna get through this gate,
maybe I don't.
I don't know about it, who knows?
Some of you are around the edge of the pool,
you're still standing there,
kind of checking it out, saying, I don't know.
It looks a little cold in there.
I don't know if I'm ready for that, right?
Some of you are like, I wanna go in,
but I don't wanna go in by myself.
Or some of you have your swimsuit covers on
and you're like, I wanna get in,
but I don't know if I'm ready
to take my swimsuit cover off yet.
Y'all, that's always me,
especially at the beginning of the summer.
I'm like, I'm not ready to take that swimsuit cover off.
I've been enjoying the winter
and snacking on bonbons and stuff.
I'm like, I'm not ready to take that cover off, right?
Some of you are dipping your toes in.
Some of you got your feet dangling in the pool, all right?
You're like, okay, I'm getting used to it,
I'm getting comfortable.
I'm telling people about, I'm looking to get married,
I'm ready to start dating if you got something for me,
right?
Some of you are sitting on the edge,
hoping maybe someone's just gonna push you in.
Some of you, right?
Some of you are out there already swimming
and relaxing and enjoying it.
You're having fun.
You're playing a little pool volleyball.
You're laying on the raft.
Some of you are sipping on those.
those little, you know, little daiquiris,
those little iced teas, like, you're enjoying it.
You're chit-and-chatting with everybody around,
you're having a good time.
Some of you are straight cannonballing into that deep end,
getting that chlorine up your nose.
Like, real quick, forgot to plug your nose.
You're quickly getting out, like,
trying to catch your breath.
Some of you are running around the pool
and slipping and falling in, right?
That's happening, right?
Some of us are saying, hey, stop running around the pool.
We got some mamas in here.
Okay, some of us coaches are sitting there saying,
hey, stop running.
You're not supposed to run around the pool, it's slippery.
Like, woo, slow it down.
Slow your pace down, right?
You're gonna get hurt, all right?
Some of you are diving in, you're like,
I can't do this, and jumping right out,
and running over to your chair,
and then like, nope, not doing it.
Nope, that water's too cold.
Nope, that's too deep.
Nope, can't do it.
I still got water up my nose.
So, ladies, none of that is gonna disqualify any of you.
So, wherever you're at in that scenario
doesn't disqualify you.
Because in every single one of those situations,
God is going to reveal something beautiful
in each and every one of those situations.
It's true, okay?
And like I said, sometimes we think,
okay, if I could just find my husband.
But I wanna ask you, ladies,
what do you think marriage is actually gonna eliminate?
What are you hoping marriage is going to eliminate for you?
Put it in the chat.
What is it going to eliminate?
Is it gonna eliminate loneliness?
Do you have a partner?
How many of you have felt alone,
but you have a huge group of friends?
I love that, Kristen.
Yard work, but that's not why you get married.
Let's hope, let's hope.
My husband does not do a whole lot of yard work.
He's one of those that likes to hire people,
but I'm like, we have three kids.
Can't they do the yard work?
Okay.
Sleeping alone.
That's a good one, sleeping alone.
Might eliminate that, but let me ask you this.
When you're sleeping alone, do you get restful sleep?
Like, is there noise?
I used to want that same thing.
Y'all, I have a husband that snores.
And now I have perimenopause.
And so my hormones, I don't sleep as heavily at night.
And so I have lots of hormones.
I see a doctor, I see a hormone specialist.
And so sometimes that helps my sleeping.
And sometimes it doesn't.
Sometimes my husband's snoring.
Sometimes I'm having to, you know,
kick him out and go say, I need you to sleep on the couch
because I have to get sleep.
Or sometimes I'm like, you know what, honey,
you've got a long day ahead of you.
I'll go sleep on the couch and, you know,
get the rest that I think I need.
Yeah, we think it's going to erase that.
But ladies, let me tell you something.
It doesn't eliminate it.
It really doesn't.
There is still, like, and that's why I asked you,
you can have like, I don't know, is it Juana?
Juana?
I don't know if I pronounced your name correctly.
She's like, she has a lot of friends and family,
but sometimes she still does feel lonely.
Do you know that there's a lot of marriages out there,
ladies, that people are married
and they feel alone in their marriages?
Y'all, I'm married and now I get all the ads
about, like, marriage stuff.
And it's crazy.
Like, now it's like, I get all the ads about, like,
helping your marriage.
And I'm like, whoa.
I'm sitting here thinking,
well, everybody gets married thinking everything's fine,
but y'all, marriages.
are struggling, like they really are. And so those things are not always going to
be solved. I'm not saying this to discourage you and again remember we're
going back to the why is that discovery dating so important. It's because
marriage is two imperfect people continuing to grow together and it is
beautiful and that's actually why discovery dating is a gift because that
is how God lovingly reveals things. He's doing that now in discovery dating while
the stakes are low so that he can continue to prepare you for what you're
praying for. And ladies if you didn't listen to Jackie's Supernatural Saturday
go back and listen to it because there was something there that she said and I
hope that y'all picked it up and if you didn't I'm gonna share it with you and
then you're gonna go back and you're gonna listen to it. You do not have to be
perfect to be worthy of love because love is gonna come much easier when we
allow God to deal with these things now. That's why discovery dating. It's not
just about learning information about the man. It's also what's
getting revealed in us so that we can be reflective and see what is God wanting
to reveal in us so that we're prepared for whatever next promise he has for us.
Marriage is a promise and there's a process and some progress that goes
through with that so then when you get that, guess what? God doesn't stop giving
you promises. There's gonna be another one and another one and another one and
another one and each one of those is gonna have another process and another
progress to go through. Now you just have a partner, right? Now you got another
imperfect person that you're working together with so right now you're just
working with yourself and God. At the end of this promise of marriage, you're
working with yourself, another person, and God. There's another person involved
there, another imperfect person. So that's why we really emphasize that discovery
dating, okay? So we don't want to miss out on that, okay? So yes, discovery dating is
about gathering information about these guys but we also don't want to
forget to gather information about ourselves. So I want you ladies asking
what's this revealing in me? Lord, what are you inviting me to heal? Lord, what
are you growing in me? Those are all things, okay? Because discovery dating
isn't simply measuring whether you found your husband or not or he found you. It's
measured by whether or not you partnered with God and everything he wanted to do
in your heart along the way, okay? So this week's activation is I'm gonna call
it like the discovery gift challenge, okay? I'm gonna have you guys go on a
treasure hunt. I want you ladies going on a treasure hunt this week. So I want you
to look at every uncomfortable moment this week, every unexpected interaction,
every disappointment, maybe every exciting moment, okay? Not just the
disappointments but the exciting ones too. Maybe some triggers, maybe some fears,
maybe there's some joy in there, something like that you were not
expecting something joyful to happen. I want you to recognize that and I want
you to look at every single one of those moments like it's a wrapped
gift.
Y'all sometimes, and I know there's some ladies out here,
some of y'all are really good
at making gifts look really beautiful.
Like those gifts that are so wrapped perfectly
that you almost don't wanna wrap them, but then you do,
that you're like, oh my gosh, this wrapping is so beautiful.
There's gotta be a really good gift in there, right?
How many of you are like those gift wrappers?
You love wrapping gifts and making them look really pretty.
I used to be like that until I got three kids.
When I had just one, before I had my kid, my youngest,
I used to love making presents look exquisite.
Then I had one kid and I spent all the time on that.
Now I got three kids and a husband.
Y'all, I don't have time for that.
Like, and y'all, if you're my husband,
you're getting a gift from my husband,
you're not getting a wrapped gift.
It's just coming in that Amazon box that got delivered.
It's like, here, cut it open.
There's your gift, all right?
So some of them don't always look super pretty, okay?
But you're gonna look at every one of those moments
this week as a gift,
whether or not it's wrapped beautifully or not, okay?
And I want you to pause and I want you to ask,
Lord, what gift might be hidden inside this moment?
When I unwrap this, or I unbox this,
or when I open this up,
what is the gift that you're revealing?
Is it a fear that you didn't realize was still there?
Is it a boundary that you grew stronger in?
Is it a lie that you were believing?
A new confidence, maybe?
Maybe there's peace in that moment.
Maybe there's a healthier response in that package
that wouldn't have been there last year.
Maybe it's even a reminder
that you're becoming more like Christ.
I don't know about y'all,
but sometimes those packages
are the ones that they don't look so beautiful,
but they're the most beautiful gifts, aren't they not?
So I want you to ask yourself,
what is this revealing in me
and what might God be inviting me to heal?
And so you're gonna be a heart detective this week.
So you're gonna go look for those gifts, all right?
And not because every situation's
gonna be super enjoyable, all right?
I want you to look at the enjoyable situations.
I want you to look at the unenjoyable ones as well, all right?
Then I want you coming back
and I want you sharing what happened.
I want you telling us about it.
I want you to show us the gift that you found.
And so this is where you get to be creative, all right?
I wanna add some creativity into our app, all right?
Into our shares, okay?
So you can post a picture of an actual gift.
It can be wrapped or not, okay?
You can draw a gift.
You can post your drawing.
You can journal about it and share.
You can create something and show us what you created.
You can share scripture.
Maybe the scripture is the gift.
Maybe you can just tell a story, all right?
Whatever fits your personality,
I'll want you to get creative with it, okay?
And I want you to ask yourself,
not ask, I want you to answer these three questions
when you tell us.
What happened?
What did God reveal?
And what do you think he wants to use
to continue to grow in you?
Like, how does he want you to use that?
So I'll post that in our app tonight, okay?
I don't think we got anybody really responding
to our activation last week.
So I want this one to be like,
let's get back on board, okay?
Let's get some more involvement, okay?
Janeth, I will post it in the app
so you can find that in the app.
All right, ladies, if you have a question for us,
and I know Dana wants to unpack some stuff,
she's gonna ask us one or two questions, okay?
We've got about 30 minutes to get to these questions.
I'm gonna go through the chat as well
because I know I had you ladies at one point
go through and ask your questions.
I know someone was asking about questions about discernment
and I gotta find that.
If that was you, raise your hand.
If you're still on, Catherine, yep, raise your hand.
Sarah's got a question.
I know Dana's got a question.
Dana's got a question.
Who else has got questions?
All right.
Karen, Lucy, awesome, perfect.
Okay, we're gonna keep these short, brief, and powerful.
All right.
Good, good, good.
All right.
All right, Dana, short, brief, and powerful.
So you had two dates you wanna unpack,
but we're not unpacking everything.
Let's get to what is one thing
you want answered from these two dates.
Jackie was talking about rebuilding the community.
The community works,
because I wouldn't have had these dates
if another woman I met inside the program
hadn't have connected us.
Yes.
So it works.
It sure does.
That's how I met my husband.
Oh.
From another girl in the community.
She didn't know him.
She just saw him in a group, like in a Facebook group.
Christian Singles Facebook group.
I wasn't even in the group.
I had a lot of ladies in that group.
And they saw his little profile post, whatever.
And she snapped his picture and was like,
what do you think of him?
I was like, yeah, sure, whatever.
I wasn't even in the group.
But then I joined the group,
and then all the women that were in this community,
they were like, oh yeah, Carl is great.
And now the rest is history.
Now I'm married to the man.
All right, so yes, ladies, take that little nugget.
All right?
Community matchmaking works.
All right, what's your question, Dana?
I know Jackie's talked about how we need to,
like when we have a,
not to dismiss people right away,
because our nervous system might be wanting something more
than what we're used to.
Am I making sense?
Yeah, being open.
Like we're not just gonna shut down
because we see something that we're like,
oh, we don't like that.
We're gonna get curious.
Because normally I'm quite, I'm either like all in or not.
Yes.
And now I've been on two dates,
and he hasn't crossed any boundaries.
He hasn't, none of my non-negotiables are in play here,
but I'm just not feeling it.
And I'm thinking, do I keep going?
Or do I, and give it a little more time?
But then I think I feel like I'm being dishonest.
I don't know.
Okay, this is good.
So do you ever recall hearing Jackie teach
about it's a yes until it's a no?
Yes.
Okay, so this is where that comes in, okay?
So it's a yes until it's a no, ladies.
So what I'm hearing Dana say is he's not crossing boundaries.
Okay, he's not being inappropriate
from what I'm gathering, right?
She knows her non-negotiables.
It's not that he doesn't have any of her non-negotiables.
Okay, it's not like, okay, no, that's a non-negotiable.
Like, I'm sorry, that's not gonna,
like, it's still, we're still on this.
I don't know yet.
Like, I'm not sure.
So let me ask you, are there things that you do enjoy?
I like that he has so far initiated both dates.
I like that he's pursuing.
That's new for me.
Okay, that's good.
So he's initiating dates.
So he's pursuing, he's showing you
what that masculine energy looks like, right?
So she's getting to see some masculinity.
That's good, it's new.
Anything else you enjoy?
What do you not like?
I ask a direct question.
And he tells me a story and goes down rabbit trails
and blah, blah, blah.
And I never get anywhere.
I still don't know the answer to some of the questions.
And I'm, I like storytelling.
Jesus told stories.
I don't know problem stories,
but when I ask a direct question, I want a direct answer.
Okay.
I'm not a straight shooter.
I love it.
Yeah.
So give me an example of one of those questions.
Well, I asked him like,
when did you come back to the Lord?
Because he had shared that his dad was a pastor
and he grew up as a pastor's kid.
But he's clearly lived a life.
He has no front teeth.
He doesn't take great care of himself.
self. Okay. I can't hear him when he talks. I'm constantly going Could you repeat that? Could
you repeat that? And I get tired of it, because he's so soft spoken. And I still don't know how
he came back to the Lord. And he just started telling me a story about I don't even know what
and then he just went meandering and I never did find out how he ever came back. I think in his
head. He never left, but he clearly did. Okay. So these are good things. So now you're getting
some observations. All right. You're getting some information. Okay. So discovery dating,
right? Yeah. We're learning stuff about him. You're also learning. I ask a direct question.
He doesn't always give me a direct answer. You're learning about yourself. You like someone that
gives direct answers. I do. And you're all like, are you noticing kind of what's happening inside
when that is not given? Well, what's going on? Our last date, I hadn't slept that night, I was
in a tremendous amount of pain, and I was still in a lot of pain. And in hindsight, I probably
should have postponed it. But when I say I'm going to do something, I tried really, really hard
to follow through. Okay. And so I showed up, I did, within a few minutes of us being seated,
I did share that I was, I had very low energy, I wouldn't be able to stay very long,
and that I needed to get home and get some rest. So he knew. But when I'm tired like that,
my patience is very small. And my capacity for, my capacity for religion is also even smaller.
Okay. I hate religion. Yeah. It irritates me, I think, more than anything.
Like the organized, like people being like the legalistic stuff?
Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
It irritates me more than anything. And some of the stuff he was come out of it, now he's a baby
Christian. Okay. So the stuff coming out of his mouth, it was like, no, well, no, let me tell you
what the Bible says, you know, blah, blah, blah. It's like, I just, I, I, I.
And did you, and did you do that? Did you feel like, were you able to,
did you do that? Or did you feel like you could kind of hold that in?
No, I was telling him. Okay. Yeah.
So these are good things. Like, so like, I love, like, you've got some wins here, Dana.
Do I? Yes. Ladies,
do you hear some of her wins? Put them in the chat. I hear the wins.
Okay. We're going to let people put your wins there and I'm going to, I'm going to sit here
and tell you the wins that I'm hearing. Okay. So one, you, I wrote a lot of things down now.
I've got to try to read my writing. Y'all, I'm getting older. And so I need y'all.
I'm getting to that point where I'm going to need readers because I can't like read
my writing and I have to like sit back. So please don't make fun of me.
The big win that I, I definitely recognize is you recognized you had some low energy.
When you went on that second date, you recognize some things about yourself. You recognize that
you're someone that likes to honor your word. That's important to you. Yeah. You learned,
you're learning that about yourself. You also are learning, okay, that's important to me.
And because it's important to me, there might be times that I show up on these dates where
I may not be showing my best fruit of patience and you're communicating it.
That's a win. You are opening that door and you're getting yourself vulnerable and saying, Hey,
I didn't get much sleep. I apologize if I don't have as much energy.
See, you're owning something and you're communicating.
That's huge. That's a win because ladies, this isn't about showing up on these dates. Perfect.
Ladies, you're going to get in a marriage and you're not going to be perfect. Ask my husband.
He didn't marry perfect. All right.
And he'll watch what he says because he knows I could sit there and be like,
he ain't perfect either.
So those are wins, ladies.
And so she's still in this discovery phase
where she's getting to grow and like learn
what is it that God wants to reveal to me?
And so now she's like, okay, what do I do now?
She's learning she likes that he's initiating.
She's also gathering some information like,
there's some things I'm learning about him that I don't know.
Is this really in alignment with where I'm at?
How do I feel about this?
She's noticing some things that are surfacing in her.
And so right now, this is where we're going to shift that discovery dating.
We're not going to focus on the,
do I continue to get to know him or not?
I mean, it's a yes until it's a no.
But now I want you to start shifting in the,
what is God revealing in me?
And what is it that I can,
what's one thing I can learn and grow from?
Because now you're in this, like you mentioned something,
I heard you say, I feel like I'm not being honest with him.
Is that something I heard you say?
If I continue without being, well, he hasn't asked me on a third date.
So that happened because, you know.
Yeah.
And that's what I'm saying.
And that's another thing.
You're like, okay, I don't know what to do about this,
but he hasn't asked you on a third date yet.
You might not need to make a decision about what happens.
Okay.
Right now, God's giving you an invitation.
He's giving you a gift.
Okay.
And it's what's coming up in Dana.
What is God wanting to reveal in Dana?
Where she had some wins.
What's she learning?
Where is she growing?
What's she recognizing internally that might be a little uncomfortable?
You know, is there some discomfort in this process of staying open?
Why is that?
What is it that God wants to reveal to you in that?
Where does that surface?
Ladies, I want you ladies getting curious about your men that you're dating.
Right?
We ask you to get curious and ask some curious questions to them.
Guess what you get to do now?
You get to start asking those curious questions to yourself and to God.
That's discovery dating too.
So let's sit with that.
Okay.
What did everybody else share here?
I don't know.
Let's see.
I got to scroll.
I got to go all the way down.
My goodness.
I must have been scrolled all the way up.
I'm getting a lot of questions in there.
Sorry, this is taking me a minute.
That's okay.
Where was it?
Ladies, I know y'all saw some wins.
Let's see here.
So that was, do you recognize those as wins, Dana?
So yeah.
I want you to sit with those wins.
And I want you to sit with some of that discomfort too.
Okay?
Because this is that discovery dating process.
Okay?
Yes.
All right.
So I'm not giving you the answer per se.
Okay?
That's okay.
All right.
You sound like that's okay.
Part of the process is learning how to do this for myself.
Exactly.
And that's what I love for you ladies.
I think that's where I do see a lot of growth in so many of you,
is that you ladies are navigating and walking this out.
And you ladies coming here and being vulnerable with the situations that
you are navigating and you're finding yourself in, that helps too.
Because now we're all sitting here and we're working at that together.
All right?
So you don't even need to decide, like, what do I do with this?
You get to spend time with God now, because guess what?
You get to...
Is the guy gonna ask you on a third date or not?
Go process with the Lord.
What does God wanna reveal in you?
What is it the Lord's speaking to your heart?
You get to decide.
Ladies, you all get to decide if you wanna continue.
It's a yes until it's a no for you.
This used to drive me crazy.
I used to be like, well, how do I know if it's a no?
And I know some of you are probably like,
well, yeah, Karlie, you've gotta tell us it's a no.
No, Jackie didn't always tell me.
She didn't tell me it's a no.
You know, there are times where we'll be like,
yeah, those are red flags, ladies, those are nos.
We'll help you out there.
This is not one of those situations.
This is the one where, I don't know, is it a no for you?
Or is this a, you know, does God want you
to still sit in some discomfort
and still like figure some things out?
You get to decide that.
All right.
Okay, Sarah, you're next.
I know Jennifer's got a question
that I got Lucy, Catherine as well.
Yeah, Karen, Lucy, Catherine.
Okay, Sarah.
Okay, thank you.
So I, that's interesting what you said
about how we get to decide about if we wanna,
you know, continue on or not.
And so this new guy, that golfer that I was telling about,
he, I guess, I didn't feel good after the conversation.
I didn't feel good from all the flattery,
like early on and all the quick connection,
which kind of just like drew me in.
And so I did text him on Monday and I said,
you know, hey, thank you for calling me, you know,
and that we can have a talk.
It was nice to talk to, you know, get to talk to you.
Cause I was the one that had suggested it.
And so I did appreciate that he did do that
after a few days of like texting back and forth.
And so I guess, yeah, I'm just trying to figure out.
So then he said, yeah, I'd like,
what does your week look like?
And yeah, we will have another phone convo.
But now I'm like, I don't know if I wanna talk to him
after I'm processing through how he made me feel.
Okay.
So there's that.
And you did see my response in the, okay.
Yeah.
And so, and I do wanna take some time too,
cause you had said you had noticed some things
from my response and from what I was sharing and things.
Yeah.
So that's where, and that's where I think this is good.
And this, this is, you know,
this really does go along with our teaching today.
So you are, do you see how you recognize something?
Yeah.
There's a win there.
You're like, I recognize something.
Like I'm sitting here with my feelings and I didn't like it.
And so now I don't know how I feel about that.
So now this is where you get to get curious
with God about what's going on inside you.
Yeah.
And so I want you to sit with that process.
And here's the thing, ladies.
Yeah.
You don't have to make these decisions so quickly.
You get to sit with the Lord.
You're gathering information about them,
but guess what?
That doesn't, this process is also for you too.
You're not going to mess up your spirit mate.
All right.
I can't tell you, there were situations
when I was dating my husband and he's even told me,
he's like, there was a time,
like we got into one of our first arguments
and I completely shut down and walked away.
Completely shut down and left.
Were you guys dating at this point or were you still?
Yeah, we were dating.
We were exclusive at this point.
Like we got an, I mean, I can't even remember.
I think it had something to do with like Easter.
Like, cause we were dating exclusively
and talking about marriage.
Like marriage was on the table at this point.
Engagement was on the table.
And Easter is my favorite holiday y'all.
It is.
And I, you know, I had a young, I have a young son.
I mean, he's about to be 11 now,
but at the time he was seven.
And so ever since he was little, I had these traditions
and they incorporate a little bit of
kind of what, you know, a lot of people kind of do that,
you know, which is what he didn't agree with in his.
his family, his family's very, like on his mom's side, they're very, very religious.
They don't, they don't do the Easter egg hunts. They don't do like the Easter bunny. They don't do,
they don't do Christmas trees. They don't do, yeah, there's like all these things. I don't
do the Easter bunny either. Like, I don't. Like, I do Santa Claus, you know, because I, you know,
my son has, you know, a dad that, you know, we were never married. We never lived together. Like
none of that. So I had to be mindful of, you know, my son has two different homes.
I can't be like overly religious and then, you know, send these messages. So like I had to go
to the Lord in prayer about a lot of that stuff. And so I did the whole Santa Claus thing and then,
but I didn't do the Easter bunny thing, but I did the Easter egg hunts.
But I also incorporated a lot of scripture and a lot of biblical like stories. Like I
really did a lot of traditions with my son. Like we, we did the Easter eggs, but I would have him
write his, like, we would talk about our sins and we would write those on the hard Easter eggs.
And the night before we put those in a basket with Jesus's name on it, we'd cover it in like
a red cloth. And then the next morning, or no, that's not what we do. We put it in a basket,
cover it with cloth. Then there's a, then in the next morning, there's a basket that says,
has Jesus on it. And all of our sins, all of our Easter eggs are in that Jesus basket.
And then the basket that we had put all our sins is all of the Easter gifts,
like all the blessings, all the gifts given. And so I do that. Like I, I mean, we do all,
like I do these resurrection eggs. Like, I mean, I walk through this whole thing.
Well, my husband was like, so against the whole Easter egg thing.
And like, we, like, I just, he was not listening to me. Like, we were just not on the same page.
And like, I completely shut down. I was like,
that, like I was being stubborn. He's stubborn. I'm stubborn. We're both stubborn.
And there was in hindsight, like now that we're married, he's like, Carla, that there was a night
that I almost left, like left, left, like, I was almost going to break things off with you
because of how I responded that I completely shut down. And so, but he went to the Lord with that.
And like, we actually showed up and like walked through that process.
So all that to say is like, this is not just a, like, we get to show up and make decisions.
We don't get to decide what they do and what he could have made it. I wouldn't have been able to
control that. I, I would go to the Lord and ask the Lord to walk me through things.
I would go to the Lord and ask the Lord to walk me through things.
Because there were times that I'm like, do we still keep moving forward? Do I continue? Like,
is this, is this a yes until it's a no, I still had to do the same thing.
You know, we've had conversations with our kids because they're older and they want to start
dating. And we're struggling through that whole process of, do we let our kids date or not? Like
our pastors at our church, they didn't let their kids date until they were 18. And we
were on board with that. Now we've got a son that just turned 17. He's kind of dating. Like
to me, it looks like he's dating. My husband's like, that's not dating. I'm like, yes, it is
dating. So, and I'm like, but we're in this, like having to teach our children. And I'm like,
you still have to be rooted and grounded in Christ and your identity. You still get choices.
People are going to show up. However, they're going to show up,
but we don't get to control how they show up. We get to go to the Lord and be like, okay, this is,
this is, this is the information that I have. These are things that Lord you've shared with me.
These are things I know about myself. These are things I know about you. These are the truths.
Okay. So with the information I'm given and the truth that I have, I now get to show up.
up and decide. That's discernment. So Catherine, I even think that might answer your question.
There's no like perfect question that's a discerning question. It's the quiet time
that we spend with the Lord is saying, okay, here's the information I have. Here's the truth
that I know. Okay. Not just what I feel because feelings aren't fact,
but what is it that I know? What do I know to my core? Because I have relationship with you, Lord.
That intimacy that we have with the Father, that's knowing. He knows us and we know him.
And that's where we get to show up and be like, okay, with what I know, who I am and what you're
revealing in me, what you want me to learn, what you want me to grow in, what you're trying to
heal in me, Lord, and what you've been showing me and what you tell me and the information that
you're giving me about this person, what now? What's the next step? What's the next faithful
step? That's what we get to decide. We get a choice.
And so there's really no question that we ask. It's sometimes it's sitting in the quiet.
Sometimes it's not talking at all. Sometimes it's about listening,
listening to what the Holy Spirit is saying. I don't know about y'all, but these last several
weeks, God's been speaking to me. He's like, Carla, you can't hear me because you don't quiet
yourself down enough to be able to hear my voice. He's like, you're sitting here, this, asking me
all these questions because you want to know what questions you need to ask me so that I answer.
He's like, but Carla, you need to just stop asking questions. You need to sit back and just let me
listen. You need to let me or let me speak so you can listen. You need to let me speak so you can
listen. I want you to sit with that. So those are hopefully Sarah. Okay. Sarah took her hand
out. I think, did I get to, did that help? Like that whole, we just went down a rabbit hole and
like that was Holy Spirit. Yeah. Cause I also might, the other guy is still the church guy.
And it's probably gonna, you know, we're the same church type thing. And I just, yeah. So it's like
those kinds of things where it's like, I would love for the Lord to tell me, you know, to tell
me what to do to, to help me with kind of how to do things. But it's like, I feel like he's telling
me and I just need to listen and do it. You know, like this last Sunday, it's like, we are talking
more and he has come and joined conversations when I'm talking with people. So, you know, I did
get across to him that, you know, anyway, his sister-in-law did, I had shared with her, you
know, I am looking for a guy. She had asked me who speaks to me, who talks to me, you know,
and makes me feel good emotionally. And that, and safe that I feel safe with emotionally. Yeah.
I love that. That's good. Thank you. That's good. I like, ladies, and that's another thing.
Surround yourself with like good counsel. Okay. Good counsel. I mean, that's why we have this
community. Good. Yes. Good supportive friends. I think I don't, was it this, was it this week
or was it last week that Jackie's Supernatural Saturday? I don't know. She's she, I just know
she's shared this several times and I know it's come up is ladies. The last thing you want to do
is get around your friends that are like negative and pessimistic and just like,
not like they're discouraging. Like you don't go get your relationship advice from those women.
Okay. Don't go and don't go get relationship advice from people that are like super single
and like miserable that they're single or they're happy they're single. And they have no, like
they don't need a man. Like don't, don't go get your advice from them. Also,
don't go get your advice from married people that are not happy.
Don't do that. There's a lot of those people. And there's some of those people in the church too.
I listened to this podcast and they're like healthy marriages surround themselves.
with other healthy marriages.
They do not surround themselves with couples that are unhealthy.
You go and you surround yourself with other healthy people.
Doesn't mean that you can't have acquaintances and be kind and interact with other people.
Okay? We want to pour into other people.
But we're not going to sit and gain all of our, you know,
we're not going to fill our ears with people that are not healthy themselves.
So I love that.
Someone's like, okay, well, what, you know, who's coming in and talking to you?
Like, what's happening emotionally?
Like, who do you feel good around?
Like, that's a good, that's a good question.
I love it.
Those are good.
Awesome.
All right, Karen, you're up next.
We're going to go a little over today.
That's okay.
Okay.
So I was married for 22 years, separated 12 years ago.
Okay.
We don't talk, but maybe once a year.
I had never thought about staying with him or getting back together with him.
Until recently.
And so my question, the reason that I left him was because he had a bad
temper and I just couldn't stay anymore.
And I'm glad that I left.
I have no regrets because I got my sanity back.
Everything, work is going better.
The people that I hang out with are better.
I mean, everything has come full circle.
So no regrets.
And in November of last year is when I said, I don't want to be single
anymore.
I'm technically, I'm married.
There's been no papers filed.
We just live separately.
I live in an actual, I live in another state.
So we really don't see each other.
Okay.
So my question is, so last year, November, I joined this community
because I said, I don't want to be single anymore.
I want to finalize this divorce.
I want to move on.
I want to start dating.
I have not dated in 12 years either.
So I wanted to do the whole process.
But I'm kind of stuck in a spot because now, I mean, he's always
called about once a year and said that he wants to get back together.
And every year I have said, no, I don't think you've changed.
I'm not going to do that.
I feel so safe not being with him.
Okay.
And now he's saying that he's changed.
The kids have said he's changed some, but he's still basically the
same person.
So he's not, you know, a whole different person.
So my question is, how do I know if he's really changed and what
questions can I ask him to know if he's changed?
I know this is totally different from everybody else's.
No, this is a really good question.
And when you started talking about it and I'm like, you know what?
This is something I know Jackie has discussed before because there
are people in our community that do have those full circle moments
where that reconciliation can happen.
Now, one thing that I will say that she emphasizes and I want to
make sure that this does not get lost.
She does not encourage people to reconcile marriages and relationships
unless you see change.
So I love that you are asking like the question you're asking is such
a good question.
And that is a very wise question.
So I love that that is on your mind because that is important.
It's not about and here's the thing you can ask the questions and he
could deliver a great answer to you.
Yeah, and that's usually what I get.
So and so but it's not going to just be about the answer.
It's going to be you need to see the fruits of it.
You need to see it actually happen.
So what are some ways for you to actually get the evidence?
Yeah.
to see if he's changed.
What's that gonna look like for you?
Yeah, since I don't spend any time with him,
I don't know.
There isn't like a dating process
where I'm going to gather information, you know?
Okay, but can there be?
What might that look like for you?
Well, we live in different states.
The only thing I'm gathering right now
is when my kids call and they give me examples
of experiences with him.
So that's the only gathering that I'm getting now.
Okay, so you're getting information from your kids,
but again, that's information from your kids.
You're getting their lenses, okay?
And I don't know, not that that's not valuable information,
but I also don't know where they're at
and what lenses they're looking through, okay?
Again, like how old?
Your kids are probably grown.
All grown and they're very much.
When y'all separated, were they grown?
What's that?
When y'all separated, were they all grown
or were they still in the house?
Were they young?
Two of them were grown and in college
and the youngest one was 15.
Okay, so yeah, I mean, you still have
some of those younger ages, like adolescent, okay?
So we don't know where they're at in that process
of how the divorce, with the divorce, maybe not divorce,
I mean, the separation has done to them.
Again, not that that information is not valuable,
but we wanna take that lightly.
We still need to see for ourself,
but you do bring up something like,
well, we live in different states and dating,
so let's get creative.
What are some ways that you can start gathering
some of this information and it can be small.
Start small.
He calls you once a year.
Well, can you guys begin having
some more phone conversations?
Some FaceTime conversations?
Like where there's gonna be some opening up
a little bit more and being like, look,
and you can literally tell him,
I'm not saying this is where I'm at yet,
but you ask me every year,
do you wanna get back together?
You tell me that you've changed.
I hear from the kids.
I wanna see, I wanna witness some things.
I'm not saying one way or another.
I wanna slowly move into this.
Like of what would it be like for us to interact
with one another on a more frequent basis?
Not because we're looking to get back together,
but because we're looking to be involved
in each other's lives and see how we show up.
Do we show up the same or do we show up different?
In order for that reconciliation to happen,
you can't just have one person change.
Both people have had to change.
And you're not gonna see it until you start interacting.
Right.
So-
I have mentioned to him last week
that I don't wanna get back together.
I don't wanna get back together.
I don't wanna hear the words
and I don't wanna hear what the kids say.
I want to see the actions.
So he knows that, but you did make a good point
on letting him know just because I'm talking to him
or spending more time, whether it's on a phone call
or whatever, that it doesn't mean
we're getting back together.
So that's a good point because that's why I'm afraid
to encourage anything because I don't want him to think
that this means we're getting back together.
This is where you get to practice boundaries, your voice.
Because again, this is-
I used to be very flimsy.
And I know someone else on here had mentioned that term
and I'm like, yes, that's what my boundaries were.
We're very flimsy.
And so this is, that's that part of the process.
So this is, again, ladies, this is,
she does need to gather some more information about him
but this is also an invitation for her to gather.
for God to show her some information about her. She needs to know how am I going to feel around
him. She said something that was really, really important. Since she left, she's learned to feel
safe. She didn't feel safe before. Y'all, that's important. So we don't want her putting herself
in a situation where all of a sudden she goes backwards. So she's going to need to discover
some things for herself, too. If I entertain this, what's it going to do inside me?
Is God going to heal something in me? Is there something that's going to be revealed?
Is he going to show me where I've grown and healed? What's he doing inside me? Is this safe
for me? Is there some areas that now God can reveal to me that he can grow me deeper in
this healing process? Whether you get back together with him or not, what opportunities
is God giving you in the possibility of walking this out? I ask all the time,
show me a reason to not do this and to go ahead and file.
Are you getting anything?
Nothing.
So then here's the thing. We don't know the destination. We've been saying this for weeks.
We don't know that destination. We do not know what the outcome is going to look like.
We sit in that moment with that lamp, with that light, that lantern. This is where I love that
scripture. You are the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. It was revealed to me and it
was so beautiful to recognize. Go back in those biblical times when scripture was written.
Lanterns did not give off a lot of light in the darkness. Think about that. You go back in old
times for electricity, those little lanterns didn't see a whole lot. You could see what was
right in front of you, what you were stepping in. If you took a step and then
put your lamp down and kept walking, you weren't going to see what you were going to step into
six, seven steps ahead of you. That wasn't a thing. Because that lantern is, God is with you
and he's helping you by saying, I'm with you with every faithful step.
I'm not going to take you off path to where you can't get redirected quite easily.
He's right there with you. He's that light that you see each step that's in front of you.
You just have to make one choice, one action step. That's it. Those action steps, ladies,
can be scary. They're scary because we're like, okay, we step on this action step and all of a
sudden we think, when I take this step, it's going to automatically take me down this path.
What's that going to look like? Well, that's why it's scary is because we think that one step
determines the outcome, but it doesn't. That one step is just the one step. Then guess what? That
lantern gets to show us, is that next step safe or do I need to go back? We get to see that when
we're walking with God and we're in alignment with him. So I think right now, Karen, it's
what action step do you want to take? Because you're going to observe things in him. You've
gathered information already about him, but you've only could gather so much that you've gathered
with what situation you're in. Now you got to take a faithful step. What's that going to look like?
When you take it, what new information are you going to gather? Once you gather that information,
then your next step, then your next step. That's that process. The whole time, ladies,
is not just about gathering information about them,
it's about discovering what's going on in here too.
Hopefully, that helped, Karen.
Yes, it did. Thank you.
Good.
Thank you.
Good. All right.
We're running low on time,
but I want to get to Lucy and Katherine,
and then I see Jennifer had a question in the chat,
and I want to get to that as well.
Let's keep it rolling, ladies.
Awesome. Thank you, Karla.
I'm going to give the bullet point versions.
Yes.
Okay. Bullet point number one,
Raul, the guy that I had the date with
that I've been feeling funny feelings,
and then it was like, oh, so crazy.
I said no to him.
He was very concerned that I was, you know,
shutting him down just because of one mistake,
and I said no.
Okay. Is this the one from?
The one that I posted about.
Yeah.
Yes.
Did anybody reach out to you about that?
Yes. Someone responded to me about that.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm looking out for you, girl.
Oh, thanks. I appreciate it.
Yeah, someone responded, and I was,
it felt really great to know that I wasn't crazy,
and yeah, so that felt good.
That was important to me,
and then that's why I was just like, oh, gosh,
and I didn't want to, like,
and I didn't see you for a minute,
and I'm like, please tell me someone did,
because that was, yes.
So anyway, just keep going.
Thanks. Okay.
You felt the same.
I was shocked on the thing, you know,
because this guy, he was, it felt so smooth.
I love that you shared it, like,
because I think that was a really great
learning opportunity for everybody.
Ladies, I don't know if everybody got to see this.
She was actually talking to somebody
that is in our community
or that has been in our community.
I don't know if he's still in our community or not,
and we don't have to go into details.
We don't, I mean, that's what I'm saying.
I'm like, we're not gonna air his stuff out here either,
and that's why I was, like, not gonna share it,
because, you know, we just, we want to be honorable,
but I love that you shared that,
because, yes, just because someone's been in our community
doesn't always mean it's a perfect fit.
And it doesn't always mean
that they don't have yellow flags, okay?
And so, and I really appreciated that,
because we do, I mean, I was guilty of this,
thinking, oh, well, if he's been in the program,
then this has a higher,
like, there's a higher statistic that it can work out.
Yes, yeah.
Oh, he knows the Jackie language.
He knows the heart work.
He knows the last year single stuff.
Like, this just makes sense,
but that doesn't always mean,
just because they're in our community,
that they're your spirit mate.
God's not, like, doesn't mean
that we don't have connections in our community,
because we do, but it doesn't mean
that everyone's spirit mate is coming through this community.
I really thought that my spirit mate
was coming through this community.
It came in a different way, really different way.
So, I appreciated that you shared that.
So, that's good.
Woo, all right.
Yeah, and that was so helpful for me,
even to think about, you know,
there's no other guy I'm talking to,
or have ever dated that would have treated me like that,
you know, totally disregarding my feelings,
using anything he's been taught in these classes
to tell me how wrong I am.
Oh, scary.
Yeah, yes, and so, that's why I was just like,
if he's in our community,
that was an opportunity for us also,
if he's still in it,
the people that do the men stuff,
they can go in and help out.
Give a hug, yeah.
Yes, because it's not our job, ladies,
it's not our job to teach men the heart work.
It's not our job to teach the men what we learn here.
All right, let me just tell you something.
When you get married,
you're not gonna heart work your husbands.
That is not something,
like, I've had to learn that,
like, and I'm a coach.
So, it's very difficult because I,
and I have a gift of discernment,
I can see things,
it's very easy for me to sit here and be like,
well, honey, let me have you work on this.
It just, it doesn't work that way.
Like, the man is the leader of the home,
he's the protector, he's the covering,
and so, it doesn't always tend to translate.
Like, men don't hear that sometimes from their wives.
They need to hear that from God.
They need to hear that from other men.
And so, it's never your responsibility to coach men.
coach and teach me on these things.
What's on you is, what's it doing in you?
You have your own responsibility.
So I love that Lucy did that.
Like she came to community and she shared it.
Was like, I really didn't like how this felt.
And she started putting up her boundaries
and she started communicating for herself.
And she's like, this is not okay.
And there was so much growth there.
And I loved it.
All right, I keep cutting you off and I'm sorry.
I'm so thankful.
No, thank you, thank you.
So big things going on right now is,
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with life
with like some health issues,
work-life direction, family member passing.
And I'm like, I just wanna quit all this,
go back and do my heartwork and just focus on the Lord.
What was so wonderful.
And what the other situations are.
So that's what I'm feeling is I just wanna cut it all off
and go do heartwork and get healthy physically
and everything.
And other situations,
there is the guy from college who's reached back out.
He is a doctor.
He lives in Australia.
He has a continuing education conference in the UK.
And he's like, oh, Iceland is so close to the UK
compared to Australia.
I'm gonna do a road trip.
Hey, do you wanna come and do a road trip?
And he made a comment like it's,
it wouldn't be that much of like extra cost.
I already have the car rented
and I already have the hotel and all this stuff.
And I was like, hang on a second.
So I'm gonna talk to him tonight and be like,
okay, you mean separate hotel rooms?
Do you mean separate hotel rooms?
Are you in Iceland?
No, I'm in California.
I was like, wait, hold on.
It's like, where are you?
California.
So I'm like, anyway, that'd be crazy.
So I think he'd be paying for me to fly out if I go.
And there's also the guy I reconnected with.
Who was my boyfriend in my 20s.
We were very serious moving toward marriage.
I was scared.
He has been doing such a great job.
He hasn't been doing like relationship growth,
personal growth type of stuff.
He reconnecting with him had a lot of wounds
from his brother's divorce,
from I'm sure things not working out with me,
maybe someone else too, and someone else too.
But every time I've communicated to him
something I've needed or a way that I feel valued,
like, hey, I feel valued by someone
that intentionally plants a head
because I know they're thinking about me
and whatever I communicate, he does.
And then when we've had an issue
and I've been like, oh, something doesn't seem right,
like I've jumped on and called him
and he was like, oh, I just,
I pulled back because I know you don't like to text a lot.
So I was afraid that me asking you questions was, you know.
So I can tell he's thinking about me a lot.
So yeah, so you're seeing some growth there.
You're seeing some change.
So that sounds like it's pacing really nicely.
It's definitely feels really slow to me
because I think of all the other guys that are messaging me,
not all the other guys right now.
I haven't been that many in the last month, but yeah.
But right now it's like, you're not exclusive right now.
No, we're not exclusive.
You're just gathering information.
It's that discovery dating.
Yeah.
And so you're, this is the process.
This is, you know, it's gonna feel a little different,
might feel a little awkward,
but you're not doing anything dishonoring.
Thanks.
You're opening your communication.
You're like, you're doing all of that.
So that's good.
And I like that with this guy about going on the road trip,
separate hotel rooms.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
Like the fact that you, I'm like, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Like that is good.
Like these are all good things to be thinking about
so that you are like, I can tell in the several,
especially cause I know you've popped in and out,
but, and don't like, there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm not saying that cause there's anything wrong with it.
I'm saying it because I'm seeing the growth in you.
I'm seeing how this heartwork really is working.
And so I wanna go back to what you said,
you were like, I'm overwhelmed.
I feel like I just wanna put pause and go back to heartwork.
I wanna encourage you.
It's okay to pause things.
And heartwork is continual.
It's learning how, ladies,
it's learning how to navigate heartwork
in the middle of life.
That's what phase two is all about.
Okay.
That's why I love, that's why I love this phase so much.
They try to move me out of coaching here before.
Like having.
go coach in phase one.
And I'm like, I want to stay here.
Because I love what we do here.
It really is this bridge of phase one and phase three.
And it really does give us,
you ladies, if you utilize this phase
to the best of your ability and really partner with God
and really help follow that process
that we really try to,
because again, we don't have rules,
we have guardrails,
but you really are going to gain so much confidence
in how to apply heartwork into relationships,
not just dating relationships, but overall.
In all relationships.
And you're gonna see the growth in you.
And then, then ladies, you're gonna realize,
okay, I can move to phase three.
There is going to,
like, you're gonna feel like you're released
to go to phase three because you're like, I got this.
I've got the confidence.
I'm ready.
I've worked this process out.
I've been in the smaller group working this out.
And so, Lucy, I've seen that in you.
And you are doing this and pacing yourself really well,
asking great questions and honoring yourself,
honoring the process, honoring the heartwork.
And so, you know, it is learning.
Like, life is still gonna happen
even after your spirit mate comes.
Heartwork is still gonna show up
with or without your spirit mate,
especially with your spirit mate, the heartwork still comes.
I learned that.
All right, it shows, it does.
And I'm learning how to navigate heartwork in a new season.
And that's why I love this phase so much
because this is where we really get to apply it
and really set you ladies with a strong foundation.
Okay?
All right, Catherine,
and then I'm gonna answer Jennifer's question quickly.
And then I'm gonna have to get us off
because we are, like, way over.
That's my fault.
But I love where these questions are going.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Something else that I wrote in the chat.
Yes.
Yeah, so I've been dating this guy for maybe six weeks
and he has autism.
So I noticed that he's, like,
talking a little bit different than me.
I see a lot of green flags,
but a week ago he came to visit me
because he lives, like, four hours away.
And there was, like, this,
I don't remember exactly what it was,
but it was something happening that hurt me.
And he asked for forgiveness.
And yeah, so that was a heavy conversation.
And then, but we worked through it.
And, you know, it worked out.
And then later in the evening,
like, it was just something triggering
by the way that he left to me.
Okay.
And then later in the evening,
he said that he wanted to, like,
apologize for that and stuff.
And so we talked about that the next day.
And I felt then that it was, like,
a lot of heavy conversation already.
Okay.
And then later in the day,
he was, like, I don't remember exactly what it was,
but he initiated a conversation
about something that I had said
that he wanted me to say in a different way.
And I think, like, that is his autism.
Like, he said, can you just say it in this way?
And it was, like, exactly word for word thing.
And then I told him that, you know what?
This is taking away my freedom.
And if you want someone that, you know,
will do it exactly the way that you want it,
I don't think that we're a good match.
I was actually saying it like that.
And then he went on to, like,
I mean,
I think we worked it out because he said that maybe you don't have to say it exactly like that and, you know, but, um...
Was this the first time you guys had met in person?
What did you say?
Was this the first time you all met in person?
No, it was the third time.
Okay.
But it was the first time that we had, like, more of a long stretch together.
Okay, that's good.
But my question is, like, is it normal to have that much, like, heavy conversation this early?
Well, you are long distance, okay?
So, um...
That will switch things up a little bit, okay?
Um...
Because...
Four hours is a big, like, that's a big chunk, okay?
So there is going to be a little bit of an accelerated feel to it, okay?
So that's...
That is not uncommon.
Okay?
But I don't want you to focus on is this normal, is this not normal, is this common, is this not uncommon?
That's...
We're not...
That's not what we want to look at the situation.
We really want to say, okay, this is the situation.
This is the experience that God is inviting me into.
So what is it that God is wanting to reveal to me?
What's the opportunity here?
That's the invitation.
When I was thinking about it, when it was this heavy, I just felt like it reminded me a lot of the pattern that I had with my ex
that I really don't want to be in again.
I mean, that kind of scared me.
And I don't think I asked, like, is this normal, but more, isn't it supposed to be light?
I was just like, I want it to be light.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
And it's really how it's supposed to feel.
Yep.
There's that.
And that's that piece of certainty, that outcome, that we want it to look the way we want it to look.
And then if it doesn't show up the way we want it to look, it's like all of a sudden we're like, oh, what am I supposed to do with this?
Like, I don't know how I feel.
And then we start feeling confused.
We start maybe getting anxious.
We might want to cut and run, or we might want to start clinging.
Like, our attachment starts coming out.
We don't know those triggers happen.
We start recognizing how it feels familiar from past experiences.
And so now our body's in this old pattern.
And so now do you see where all of a sudden, like, that clarity gets distorted and we got those trauma lenses on.
So now we're in this opportunity, like, you're recognizing a feeling and a pattern what's scaring you.
So now you get to go into that deeper connection with the Lord.
Be like, okay, what are you showing me here?
You're getting information.
There's some good information that you're getting from this guy.
All right.
You're getting, like, he's let you know about, you know, did he tell you he has autism?
It said so in his profile.
He's being open about that.
Okay.
This is where you get to be curious.
Okay.
You're learning about what is this like to date someone that's on, that has this, you know, has autism.
It's going to look a little different.
But here's the thing.
Every relationship that you get into with somebody is going to look different.
Whether they have autism or not.
Like, everybody has different personality.
Yeah.
Like, this is just, this is going to have a little bit more research.
You're going to have a little bit more, you know, you probably find out a lot more information.
Have more resources to kind of learn how to navigate relationship with someone that processes a little differently than you.
Because here's the thing.
We all process different than anybody.
Like, our process is always going to show up differently than somebody else's process.
Like, the way I process things and the way my husband processes things, completely different.
And neither one of us have autism, but we still process differently.
I still can't figure him out and he doesn't figure me out.
Like, sometimes I'm like, it would be nice if somebody wrote a book on how my husband processes.
So I could read it and figure it out.
And then it would be nice if he would go grab a book on how I process things and learn how to show up in that way.
We don't get that, though.
So this, you're getting some information.
And so.
it's you're getting to walk this out is it feeling a little intense yes yeah it is because there is
there is a little bit of intensity with that and that's now that's going to start exposing some
triggers from your past so let's spend some time with the lord and figure out okay gov what are
you trying to reveal to me what are you showing me what where are you in all of this lord okay
how do you mean the triggers the like what is it showing me yeah what are those triggers showing
you so then it's now it's let's walk through that heart work let's go back to that revealing for
healing cycle this is where now we are we're applying the phase one material to phase two
real life situation yeah okay we don't put things on pause per se in a situation like
i cut and run it's now i have to make a decision with this information i'm gonna stay open and
communicate and god god gets to be in charge of this too he gets to kind of navigate it too
however you show up you got another person now and however they decide to show up is going to
impact that decision okay this this guy is showing you he's willing to stay open and at first he was
like okay you've got to say it this way and that didn't feel good to you i'm guessing you kind of
voiced that like this and so now he's now he's got some things that god's gonna have to show in him
and he's now making a decision for himself well now whether he's going to the lord with it or not
we don't know and now he's saying okay well maybe you don't have to say it like that
but you both are learning information you're learning information about each other
and then you have the opportunity to learn information about you and how god wants to use
that in you we don't get to decide if he's doing that on him yet you guys are still in the early
stages yeah okay does that make sense does that help yeah yeah keep and keep ladies and keep
making sure we do not want you all walking through these situations alone like don't wait for
tuesdays come in the app let us know what you're going through and processing i don't want you to
wait a whole week if you if you need to share share it i mean if y'all need to come into the
app and have three or four posts in a day i don't care all right we'll get to it you know we might
not be able to get to that in that hour but myself and ebony we we tag team it we really work hard on
you know making sure that we try to get to y'all at least in a 24 48 hour time period especially
the weekends because sometimes weekends we you know we have to take time for our families and
stuff like that too but um but yeah we really do try to tag team that so don't disappear thinking
i've got to wait till tuesday you know we want you they come in and do those processes with us
okay all right i'm gonna go run up real quick to do um jennifer's question
um she's like i'm dating um she's like i'm guessing she's like i'm dating yet but i'm
noticing i'm thinking she's not dating yet but i noticing my mind goes to thinking about physical
intimacy is it normal especially since i've had that experience before um is it is this also god
can start to stir because that season is coming i think yeah so y'all like physical intimacy
is part of marriage y'all like you'll hear jackie coach about that stuff like it's
like your body is gonna get excited about it all right so that is definitely something
that will start coming up because once you start dating hey carla can i clarify something
yes go for it please thank you yeah no uh i i'm working and that did not come out right
i've never had i've never had that experience before okay ever because i've never been okay
in a relationship before um so i have noticed especially like with doing the heart work and
coming out of phase one and coming into phase two that's been coming to my mind a lot more
and i'm just wondering if that is normal if that's something that maybe got it
doing to bring up because since that is coming and I'm praying that it does for my own marriage,
you know, that being normal, I don't know how to steward it.
So let me ask you, what is surfacing?
Tell me about the feeling.
Is it excitement?
Is it fear?
Fear.
That makes it.
Yes, that is normal.
That is normal.
Because you haven't experienced it before, y'all, like that is totally normal.
So yeah, he could be bringing it to the surface because he might want to start revealing to
you what are some of the beliefs that you have around physical intimacy in marriage
or physical intimacy in general.
Let me ask, when we think about physical intimacy, we've never had those experience.
Like many of us grew up in that purity culture, that church purity culture.
Yeah.
Present.
Yep.
So what beliefs, what beliefs do you have about it?
Is that starting to surface some concern?
It's a mixture of different things that it stems from how I was exposed to it early by
my own dad in an unhealthy way.
And then just stuff I saw growing up in school and then growing up in purity culture and
then just, just, just suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, suppressing.
And now that I'm 39 and I'm going to be 40 in February, I don't know how to steward this.
And then there's the temptations of because I have been single, I've never been in a relationship
and dealing with that part of loneliness and then with hair loss and being openly bald
woman.
Just it's, it's multi-layered for me.
Yeah, no, that's good.
And so that's, yeah, I think this is, this is, this is such a good question.
I'm so glad that you asked it because you know, as Christian women, especially if we've
never been married and we've never had that experience before that, that does come up
and like, you know, like that's, that's why I brought up that purity culture because so
many of us that grew up in that purity culture and that's a lot of us in this community are
in that age bracket and we've learned to suppress it because we've learned that it's bad.
We're not like, you have to save that for marriage, right?
But what happens if when we were younger, we didn't get to control that, what we got
exposed to, what we saw, what we maybe experienced, what we were put in situations, you know,
how it was instilled in our home was, is there, is there guilt and shame attached with it?
Is there, is there other stuff that's attached with that?
And so it's funny cause I actually was just listening to something recently that we have,
you have this extreme, like people that are waiting for marriage, you, that intimacy,
that relationship in marriage is important.
Sex and marriage is, is a big, is a big thing.
It's a beautiful thing.
And so for a lot of us that had that purity culture, we get married and then it's like,
we got to flip a switch and now all of a sudden we got to be okay with this.
This is, this is weird.
This is uncomfortable.
And so that's not uncommon for those things to come up.
And so I love that you're asking the questions like, okay, now how do I steward this?
And I think Jennifer, what you're doing right now is, is stewarding it.
You're getting curious.
So let's sit with that and say, okay, God, you're bringing this up.
I'm getting these feelings of fear.
Where does that come from?
What do you want to reveal?
And what do you want to show me?
And ask him, Lord, you created sex for marriage.
You give us good things.
So you wouldn't put me in a marriage to make me not enjoy this or it to be a bad thing.
So God, what is it that I'm believing?
evening that may have been distorted because of what I experienced when I was younger and
what the church, here's the thing.
The church maybe influenced us in our thinking and the intentionality, like I don't ever
believe that when that purity culture came, I do not think it was from a place of maliciousness
that it was from an intent of to harm Christians.
I really do think it was a way to like teach Christians to really like say, you know, to
protect that.
Unfortunately, it got distorted.
And so we now get to be like, okay, how did this get distorted?
What did I believe?
And Lord, now where can I start coming in alignment with what you actually are saying?
Like what am I afraid of?
What do I need to heal from?
And we get to start breaking that down.
That's how you steward that.
And this is not going to be something like all of a sudden overnight, it's like massive
breakthrough, right?
It's one step at a time.
It's, you know, getting vulnerable with the Lord, going before him, it's, you know, finding
your community, it's getting the coaching and seeking the wise counsel, like, hey, this
is one thing I'm scared about.
And here's why this is one thing I believe.
And this is why I think this is what God is showing me.
And this is what I'm struggling with.
And then you have people walk alongside you and we get to navigate that road with you
and help you steward it.
Does that make sense?
Is that?
Yeah.
So I want you to spend time this week because this is a really good question.
I think a lot of women would really respect and value this process.
So if you're willing to help walk us through that and, you know, share some of these things
with us as you process through and we can come alongside you and navigate that with
you.
Okay.
Does that, how does that sound?
That sounds fine.
Okay.
So think about that.
Pray about that.
I'm still looking at the chat here.
So yes, see, Kelly is right there.
It's like, she can relate to what you're asking.
And she's been dealing with it too.
So I don't, see ladies, when y'all ask these questions, a lot of times they're not just
something that is surfacing in you for you.
It's surfacing because the community needs to hear it too.
Like God is going to reveal something here.
God wants to unpack things in the community with this.
And I think this is an amazing question.
So I love it.
I love it.
So let's dig into that this week and who knows, maybe next Tuesday our teaching can be a little
bit more about that, about the physical intimacy.
We can always, you know, talk about that boundaries.
What's that look like?
How do we protect that?
Like, you know, how do we break off some of those purity culture mindsets, things of that
nature.
So we'll talk about that this week for our next call.
I'll pray into that pretty heavy as well to see what God wants to reveal for our next
call.
But all right, ladies, I've gone way over, but I've enjoyed this time to be able to spend
with you and get these questions.
Please do us a huge favor and let's show up in the app a little more this week than last
week so we can get to these questions throughout the whole week.
Sound good?
And then that way we can really get, like when I can get these questions throughout
the week, we can really get to some really good teaching for Tuesdays and start applying
it to the situations that you'll have right now.
Okay.
All right, ladies, have a fabulous rest of your day and we'll see you later.
Bye.