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Alright, hey everybody, welcome to our Ask Jackie Modern Dating Sucks Hybrid.

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We've been doing this every single month.

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I hope you've been enjoying it, especially if you weren't able to take advantage of any

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of those summer book clubs.

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They were phenomenal, I will say that.

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If you were in the book club and you loved it, go ahead and just throw up some hearts

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in the chat, let people know that it was a really good time and you learned a lot.

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And I do have a lot to say about that, but I'm not going to say it right now.

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So lots of hearts going up, love it, love seeing all of you.

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I hope that you are dating differently now.

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I hope that you see dating differently now.

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I think a lot of people dread dating, and for good reason, because we're not naturally

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inclined to date the way that we date in the year 2026.

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It's just about a hundred years old, the way that we date.

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And when I say a hundred years old, I'm talking about not dating within family communities.

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That was the original type of dating and they called it courting.

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And that was the way it was done back in the olden days.

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Back before that, there were arranged marriages.

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Now, there are some pros to not having your marriage arranged for you, y'all, okay?

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Back then, ladies, especially you, you were kind of considered a little bit of property

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by your family.

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The arrangements that were made for you were to benefit everyone, not just you.

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And so marrying for love, you guys, is only kind of about a century old.

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Did you know that?

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Meaning like falling in love before you make a decision to marry this person.

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That's not that old.

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That's not something that people were encouraged to do.

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That's not something that people did.

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Marriage was almost a duty.

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It was an obligation.

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You did it to further the family line.

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You did it for lineage.

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You did it for legacy.

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You did it for property.

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A lot of times, alliances were born out of arranged marriages.

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And then even courtships, even when I think you could turn down the suitor.

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But if it was a good suitor, I think your family would really encourage you to say yes.

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If they had a good reputation, if they were able to take care of you, if they were able

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to afford a family, if it was going to benefit the community, I think a lot of times you

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would be encouraged.

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And you would want to say yes, simply because you would want to do what's right for your

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family.

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Does that make sense?

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It wouldn't all be about you.

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And now all of a sudden, friends, marriage has become all about us.

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It's all about, what do I want?

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What do I like?

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6'2", blonde hair, blue eyes, boat.

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Yes.

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Yeah, that sounds good.

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I used to actually like blonde guys, you guys, and I married a brunette.

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So when I was a kid, I was very attracted to blondes.

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And the reason why was because my brother, my older brother, was blonde.

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And so I was around this athletic, tan, blonde, California boy my whole childhood, okay?

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Blonde hair, blue eyes.

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And then I got the brown hair and brown eyes.

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Why is this fair?

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And then also nothing wrong with brown hair and brown eyes.

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Do not write me a letter, okay?

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But also he got the long eyelashes.

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Why does he need those?

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He doesn't need those, seriously.

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Why?

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Tell me.

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He got the perfectly straight teeth without any braces.

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Tell me why the men always get the best traits.

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Even my little grandson, they're twins, and he's got the longest eyelashes.

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And I'm like, what is happening here?

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What is going on with this?

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Anyway, I digress.

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Nowadays, we're like, it's all about me.

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It's about my preferences.

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It's about what I like.

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It's about what I'm attracted to, right?

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And you guys, that's very new.

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And guess what?

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I don't think it's working out for us too much.

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I don't think that it's really working out.

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I'm at my daughter's house, and I'm looking in her fridge to see if she has a water.

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Because I need some water.

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But she doesn't.

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If you're just joining us, welcome to Ask Jackie.

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Modern dating sucks.

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I am not at my house.

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I'm not in my studio.

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I'm at my daughter's house, and she's not here.

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So I'm just pilfering through her house, looking for things, specifically water.

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But we're talking about how the way that we date and the way that we approach our love

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lives is very different than it was less than 100 years ago.

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There's no water in this house.

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No wonder these kids are dehydrated.

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Seriously, there is water in the tap.

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I ain't drinking that.

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I've been marked safe from tap water for at least 20 years.

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I'll be drinking tap water, all right.

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I don't know what it is.

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I actually may have to, you guys,

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because I really need some water.

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So anyway, a little bit of tap water

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is not going to kill me, right?

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Right?

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Let's hope not.

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All right.

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All right, so the reason why this is pertinent

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to our coaching tonight is because I want to talk

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about the fantasy culture that we have found ourselves in.

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This is where I really felt God was putting on my heart.

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And then I'm going to go ahead and take some Q&A.

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So get your Q&A ready.

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You guys, fantasy culture has become a huge problem.

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I'm not just talking about pornography.

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I'm not talking about the movies and the television shows

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and all the way back to in the eighties,

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the posters on your wall of some celebrity crush

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or some music artist.

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I'm talking about the fact that we have been completely

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overwhelmed, absorbed by the fantasy

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of what love should feel like, look like,

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what marriage should be like, look like,

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what we're attracted to, who we're attracted to

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for a long time now.

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It used to be that if you had a fantasy,

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and when I say fantasy, you guys, I don't mean sexual, okay?

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I just mean like a fantasy, you know, about love,

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romanticizing life.

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It used to be that if you had a fantasy,

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it would have been about someone who you actually knew.

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And we called that a crush.

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Remember that?

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It was about someone, a human being,

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a flesh and blood human being that was in proximity to you.

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And now friends, our desires, our wants,

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our attractions have been shaped for decades by fake people.

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And the reason why I say fake people

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is because they're characters in shows.

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That's not who that person really is.

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They're playing a part in a movie, in a television show,

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on a talk show, because, you know,

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they're trying to give the public what they want.

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You're seeing through a rose colored glass

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these people's lives and what they look like.

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And if you guys follow me on Instagram,

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you see that I totally roasted this new trend.

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If you don't like hot takes,

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you should not follow me on Instagram, okay?

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All right?

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I don't know any other way to be.

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So please don't follow me there

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because I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think.

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And I could be wrong,

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but I'm still gonna tell you what I think.

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And there's this trend where these brooding men,

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you know what a brooding man is?

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He's got the smolder, he's got the smolder look.

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He's got the sexy smolder look, right?

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And he's dressed impeccably,

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and he's got a sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy,

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impeccably.

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His clothes are perfect.

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His hair is perfect.

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His skin is perfect.

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He's fit.

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He's got a little bit of a vice of a, what's it called?

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What are these called?

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Pecs.

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Just showing through his shirts, you know?

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And he's whining about,

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why am I so lonely?

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I call it sad, lonely man content.

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He's talking about how his future wife must be praying

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that God keeps him single until he meets her.

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Just a bunch of BS, y'all.

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Okay?

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These are influencers.

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This is content for engagement.

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And I'm so sick of seeing it.

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It's a huge trend now where all these men,

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this one man, he's in the shower,

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and all you can see is the back of him, right?

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From the waist up.

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So just his back, nothing else.

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But you know, he's got his hands up in his hair,

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and you know, the water's coming down.

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It says, God, if you don't have a wife for me,

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then please take away my desire to be loved.

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Dude, you're single by choice.

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You are single by choice.

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All right?

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There's a lot of people who wanted that prime real estate,

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but you ain't selling, okay?

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That is why you are single,

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because in fact, the fact is, is he probably isn't single.

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In fact, the person who is probably shooting the video

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is his girlfriend or his wife,

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because it's making the money.

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You know what I'm saying?

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All right.

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So, but this is part of fantasy culture.

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The only reason this exists,

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the only reason that these videos get millions of views

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Because ladies, I'm gonna call you out.

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You have this fantasy that somewhere out there

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is your sad, lonely, gorgeous husband

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just waiting for you, praying for you to show up.

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Come on, girls, stop, okay?

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Now, I'm not saying that your husband is mid-ugly, okay?

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I'm just saying that he's not making content

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on a Tuesday afternoon, lonely boy content, all right?

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Number one.

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And number two, he probably isn't that hot,

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as hot as those guys.

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Now, I'm not saying that because you're not beautiful.

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I'm not saying that because I don't love you.

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I'm saying that because it's time to wake up.

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We've had almost 2,000 success stories now

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in last year's single.

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And I can tell you without any hesitation,

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not one woman married a guy that looks like that.

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Not one of them.

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Not even one of them, okay?

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I'm not even married to a guy who looks like that.

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And so, you guys, we have to, and this is the thing.

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The reason why I'm saying this

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is not to hurt anybody's feelings,

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but it is to wake people up and help people understand

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that this fantasy content,

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and maybe that's not your fantasy content of choice.

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I mean, it's ridiculous on the Instagram.

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It's on the Instagram.

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It's ridiculous.

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But the movies, the, I call these books,

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these romance novels, mommy porn.

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The books that you're reading, the things that you're doing.

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You guys, you have to stop if it's keeping you single.

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If it's keeping you bored with every real human man.

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You know what else you gotta be careful with?

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You go on these really fun dates with your girlfriends.

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I call it romanticizing life.

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And I like to do it too because I'm a girl.

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I romanticize life.

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I like to go and I like to get a matcha,

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like to get a little cream topper,

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and I like to sit outside,

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and I like to look at the pretty things,

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and I like to go by the farmer's market,

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and I like to get some fresh eggs,

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and I like to get some fresh flowers for my table.

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And you know what?

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I do that with my daughter.

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I do that with my girlfriends, okay?

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Men aren't really like this.

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I really want to make sure that you understand that.

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And because of that, a lot of women are like,

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well, he's just not romantic,

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or he didn't plan a good date.

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Stop expecting a man to plan the same kind of date

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that you would plan with your girls,

258
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because that ain't gonna probably happen.

259
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Now, there are some romantic guys out there,

260
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like real romantic, and rose petals,

261
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:39.480
and fairy dust, and all the things.

262
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But if they're straight, they're also usually love bombers.

263
00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:47.920
So let's be careful what we wish for

264
00:12:47.920 --> 00:12:50.740
in case we might get it, okay?

265
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We have to appreciate the difference between the genders.

266
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We have to appreciate the difference between the genders.

267
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After you get married,

268
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I'm not saying your husband's never gonna be romantic.

269
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I'm not saying he's not gonna ever bring home flowers.

270
00:13:04.340 --> 00:13:06.620
I'm not saying he's never gonna plan a birthday party

271
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for you or anything like that.

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I am saying that if anyone is gonna romanticize

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your life together, it's gonna be you.

274
00:13:14.300 --> 00:13:17.140
You're gonna be the one that sets the stage for that

275
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in nine out of 10 relationships.

276
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There's always an exception of a healthy

277
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and overly femininely romantic man.

278
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I say femininely romantic because the way

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that men see romance and the way women see romance,

280
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very different.

281
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Acts of service is romantic to a guy.

282
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My husband thinks it's very romantic of him

283
00:13:37.860 --> 00:13:40.220
to fill up my car with gas.

284
00:13:40.220 --> 00:13:43.460
He thinks it's very romantic of him to take my car

285
00:13:43.460 --> 00:13:48.460
down to the, you know, whatever that thing is called,

286
00:13:48.620 --> 00:13:52.340
the scrub-a-dub-dub, and vacuum it out

287
00:13:52.340 --> 00:13:54.060
and run it through the car wash.

288
00:13:55.020 --> 00:13:57.860
Okay, he thinks it's very romantic of him

289
00:13:57.860 --> 00:14:01.700
to notice that I'm out of hydrogen peroxide

290
00:14:01.700 --> 00:14:03.100
and to buy me some.

291
00:14:03.100 --> 00:14:05.240
All right, he's a very practical person.

292
00:14:07.940 --> 00:14:08.860
And you know what?

293
00:14:10.700 --> 00:14:13.020
I think acts of service used to be my least favorite

294
00:14:13.020 --> 00:14:14.180
love language when I was younger.

295
00:14:14.180 --> 00:14:15.500
I loved words of affirmation.

296
00:14:15.500 --> 00:14:17.060
Tell me I'm beautiful.

297
00:14:17.060 --> 00:14:18.420
Tell me I'm beautiful.

298
00:14:19.260 --> 00:14:20.100
Quality time.

299
00:14:20.100 --> 00:14:21.660
Tell me I'm beautiful and take me and buy me something,

300
00:14:21.660 --> 00:14:24.380
gifts, and feed me a cookie, you know?

301
00:14:24.380 --> 00:14:26.060
I used to kind of like that,

302
00:14:27.020 --> 00:14:30.100
but all the guys that would take me somewhere

303
00:14:30.100 --> 00:14:32.220
and buy me something and gave me a cookie

304
00:14:32.220 --> 00:14:35.660
and tell me I'm beautiful also turned out to be real jerks.

305
00:14:35.660 --> 00:14:36.500
Okay?

306
00:14:36.500 --> 00:14:39.220
And so I also love the fact that my husband

307
00:14:39.220 --> 00:14:42.220
is a real acts of service guy.

308
00:14:42.220 --> 00:14:43.620
He's a real acts of service guy.

309
00:14:43.620 --> 00:14:45.940
And I've come to really enjoy acts of service

310
00:14:45.940 --> 00:14:47.520
at 51 years old.

311
00:14:47.520 --> 00:14:48.760
It's amazing what can happen

312
00:14:48.760 --> 00:14:52.880
when you stop fantasizing about the wrong stuff.

313
00:14:54.880 --> 00:14:56.200
If you want a fantasy,

314
00:14:56.200 --> 00:14:58.800
fantasize about a husband who's faithful,

315
00:14:58.800 --> 00:15:00.240
who comes home at night.

316
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.160
after work and wants to spend time with you and actually communicates and talks

317
00:15:05.160 --> 00:15:10.000
to you about his day, wants to know about your day, wants to go and do things with

318
00:15:10.000 --> 00:15:14.640
you, wants to take a walk down the street with you, misses you when he's gone from

319
00:15:14.640 --> 00:15:19.520
you. Let's fantasize about the right thing, shall we?

320
00:15:19.760 --> 00:15:29.960
Can we? Hold on a second. All right, so if you guys don't like what I'm saying,

321
00:15:29.960 --> 00:15:38.280
then take it up with God. Take it up with the big guy because I really felt that on

322
00:15:38.280 --> 00:15:43.800
my heart for tonight. Just starting off right, right out the gate, starting off with talking

323
00:15:43.800 --> 00:15:54.800
about how we have to stop living in this cinematic era and believing that our love story is supposed

324
00:15:54.800 --> 00:16:02.160
to look like a movie. Every one of you is going to marry a regular flesh and blood

325
00:16:02.160 --> 00:16:06.040
guy and guess what? He's going to be great to you if you'll open your heart and give

326
00:16:06.040 --> 00:16:11.000
him a chance. You're going to think he's handsome if you open your heart and give him a chance.

327
00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:14.680
Gentlemen, same with you. Oh, you weren't going to, you gentlemen, I know that there's

328
00:16:14.680 --> 00:16:18.000
less of you here, but you didn't think that I was going to let you off the hook, right?

329
00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:21.440
I've been banging on the ladies for a minute. I'm going to go ahead and knock on your door

330
00:16:21.440 --> 00:16:29.400
now. All right. Some of y'all been trying to come to me, asking me to introduce you

331
00:16:29.400 --> 00:16:36.280
to some 25 year old baddie. And let me tell you something right now. Them girls are expensive.

332
00:16:36.280 --> 00:16:42.280
All right. You're complaining about taking her to a steakhouse. Her foundation costs

333
00:16:42.280 --> 00:16:50.340
more than your car payment. Okay. So don't be wishing for a woman like that. And secondly,

334
00:16:50.340 --> 00:16:54.260
you couldn't have pulled a girl like that when you were 25. I'm not trying to hurt your

335
00:16:54.260 --> 00:17:01.780
feelings. I'm trying to wake you up. I can't, I can't tell you how many times a guy has

336
00:17:01.780 --> 00:17:06.099
come to me and said, Jackie, your program really works. I haven't been able to meet

337
00:17:06.099 --> 00:17:10.220
anyone on the apps. And all of a sudden I met this girl and they send me a picture of

338
00:17:10.220 --> 00:17:18.940
some 25 year old baddie and they're, you know, mid ugly, 60 year old, fat, balding, short,

339
00:17:18.940 --> 00:17:22.980
no offense, gentlemen, if that describes you, then let's figure it out. But the bottom

340
00:17:22.980 --> 00:17:28.940
line is, is that I'm like, Oh, you think that girl, she just really understands me. Yeah.

341
00:17:28.940 --> 00:17:34.620
She understands you're desperate and she's a scammer. And I guarantee you that she's

342
00:17:34.620 --> 00:17:43.020
probably a man that looks just like you sitting behind a keyboard.

343
00:17:43.020 --> 00:17:53.060
Let's wake up. It's time to be open to someone who is kind and generous. Someone who's a

344
00:17:53.060 --> 00:18:01.420
person of value and a person of faith. It's time for us to get rid of the fantasies. Amen.

345
00:18:01.420 --> 00:18:06.380
Who's with me? Let me see it in the comments. I'm trying to plug my computer in. Sorry guys.

346
00:18:06.380 --> 00:18:15.500
I'm not in my studio. We're just going to. I've been hanging around with Gen Z too much

347
00:18:15.500 --> 00:18:18.740
y'all because I don't even know what raw dogging means, but I was about to say we're going

348
00:18:18.740 --> 00:18:22.940
to raw dog it, but I think that's a bad thing. But that's what they always say when they're

349
00:18:22.940 --> 00:18:28.540
about to do something without practicing or without, you know, intention or without it

350
00:18:28.540 --> 00:18:33.780
being perfect. Do not look that up because I haven't, and I bet you it means something

351
00:18:33.780 --> 00:18:40.700
bad. All right. This Gen Z is all around me all the time. Okay. Let's see who's with

352
00:18:40.700 --> 00:18:46.580
me in the comments. We're plugged in. We're not going to go dead. Jason's like, it does

353
00:18:46.580 --> 00:18:53.580
mean something bad. Okay. Strike it from the transcript. Just forget, forget it. Just,

354
00:18:53.580 --> 00:19:03.380
I'm not quite a boomer. I'm not a boomer, but just chalk it up to almost being a boomer.

355
00:19:03.860 --> 00:19:08.660
Torch that fantasy y'all. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Now, does that mean that God doesn't care

356
00:19:08.660 --> 00:19:14.780
about your preferences? No, it doesn't mean that. It does mean that some of you need to

357
00:19:14.780 --> 00:19:22.300
rethink your preferences. And this is what I always tell people. When you're making your

358
00:19:22.300 --> 00:19:26.620
non-negotiable list and when you're making your preference list, I want you to imagine

359
00:19:26.620 --> 00:19:31.960
someone with everything on your preference list sitting next to you as you're sitting

360
00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:37.040
in the hospital room and your parent is dying. Cause that's going to happen to all of you

361
00:19:37.040 --> 00:19:41.080
that still have living parents. Might not be at the hospital, might be at your home.

362
00:19:41.080 --> 00:19:44.880
Okay. But it's going to happen to every one of you that still has a parent. And I've already

363
00:19:44.880 --> 00:19:50.220
done that. My mom went to heaven. I was in the ICU with her for a month before she went

364
00:19:50.220 --> 00:19:56.600
to heaven. She was not conscious. She was intubated. And guess who was there with me

365
00:19:56.600 --> 00:19:59.440
every second that I was in that room? David Dorman.

366
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.920
You know what else he was doing?

367
00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:07.000
He was bringing in the guitar and he was singing and he was worshiping.

368
00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:08.320
You know what else he was doing?

369
00:20:08.320 --> 00:20:12.760
He was helping me, um, you know, put out posts for prayer.

370
00:20:12.760 --> 00:20:17.360
And then he was holding the phone as people would call in one after another, after another

371
00:20:17.360 --> 00:20:20.560
and pray over my mom on speakerphone.

372
00:20:20.560 --> 00:20:22.100
That's what he was doing.

373
00:20:22.100 --> 00:20:26.400
He was rubbing my back at night when we went over to the, you know, the place we were staying

374
00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:27.900
near the hospital.

375
00:20:27.900 --> 00:20:29.840
He was, you know, praying for me.

376
00:20:29.840 --> 00:20:34.180
He was interceding for me.

377
00:20:34.180 --> 00:20:41.740
So that being said, I want you to take your preference list and I want you to picture

378
00:20:41.740 --> 00:20:49.220
yourself losing your job that you thought you were supposed to retire from, losing half

379
00:20:49.220 --> 00:20:55.500
of your pension, um, you know, making a bad investment, thinking that it's good and it's

380
00:20:55.500 --> 00:20:57.520
bad and you lose half of your retirement.

381
00:20:57.660 --> 00:21:02.820
I'm not speaking any of this bad stuff over you, but you guys, there will be hard times.

382
00:21:02.820 --> 00:21:06.620
And I want you to take your preference list and I want you to picture that person that

383
00:21:06.620 --> 00:21:12.860
your preference list describes sitting next to you during any of this stuff.

384
00:21:12.860 --> 00:21:15.500
During any of this stuff.

385
00:21:15.500 --> 00:21:18.760
Their height's not going to really matter, is it?

386
00:21:18.760 --> 00:21:23.140
Their bone structure ain't going to matter, is it?

387
00:21:23.140 --> 00:21:27.220
Whether they're super fit or whether they're kind of fluffy, it's not going to really matter.

388
00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:30.760
In fact, if they're a little fluffy, it's probably a better shoulder to cry on.

389
00:21:30.760 --> 00:21:36.800
More comfortable.

390
00:21:36.800 --> 00:21:40.320
Now we don't want to be caretaking for them, so we want them to take care of themselves,

391
00:21:40.320 --> 00:21:42.200
but that's why we want them to take care of themselves.

392
00:21:42.200 --> 00:21:47.200
Not because we want to be married to a fantasy, but because we don't want to see them walk

393
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:48.760
through health troubles.

394
00:21:48.760 --> 00:21:54.360
And we don't certainly want to walk through health troubles with them, amen?

395
00:21:54.360 --> 00:21:57.300
Some things can't be avoided, you guys, no matter how good you take care of yourself,

396
00:21:57.300 --> 00:21:58.300
but you know what I'm saying.

397
00:21:58.300 --> 00:22:04.180
All right, so I'm going to open up the floor for some coaching.

398
00:22:04.180 --> 00:22:12.860
I do have a hard stop in 45 minutes, 55 minutes at 8.15 Central, but I want to go ahead and

399
00:22:12.860 --> 00:22:14.940
take some questions.

400
00:22:14.940 --> 00:22:18.420
And this can be over dating, it can be if you've been reading Modern Dating Sucks, the

401
00:22:18.420 --> 00:22:21.040
book, you have any questions about that.

402
00:22:21.040 --> 00:22:25.780
It can be over, you know, some kind of preference that you have that you really want to make

403
00:22:25.780 --> 00:22:28.540
a non-negotiable because you really want it that badly.

404
00:22:28.540 --> 00:22:30.740
It can be over anything that we're talking about right now.

405
00:22:30.740 --> 00:22:35.060
It can be over a good date that you just had, a bad date that you just had, kind of transitioning

406
00:22:35.060 --> 00:22:40.780
out of my little talking head phase of this into more of the Ask Jackie, all right?

407
00:22:40.780 --> 00:22:47.340
All right, now, and you guys, all that I ask is that you make your questions really fast,

408
00:22:47.340 --> 00:22:51.360
because if everyone takes 20 minutes to explain their question, then not very many of you

409
00:22:51.360 --> 00:22:52.360
are going to get to ask a question.

410
00:22:52.360 --> 00:22:53.360
All right, so Natasha, go ahead.

411
00:22:53.360 --> 00:22:54.360
Hi, Jackie.

412
00:22:54.360 --> 00:22:55.360
Hi, everyone.

413
00:22:55.360 --> 00:23:03.800
Just a quick question, because I'm at a level two dating just recently back on the app,

414
00:23:03.800 --> 00:23:08.400
and I posted on the Ask Jackie as well around.

415
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:13.320
So my question is, how do you, especially if you're not getting any matches on the,

416
00:23:13.320 --> 00:23:14.320
a lot of matches.

417
00:23:14.320 --> 00:23:18.860
Because one guy I've matched with, and very intentional, and we've been hanging out, I

418
00:23:18.860 --> 00:23:21.380
also agree quite a ton.

419
00:23:21.380 --> 00:23:24.260
We're not trauma bonding or emotionally bonding too deep.

420
00:23:24.260 --> 00:23:26.140
It's just fun and light.

421
00:23:26.140 --> 00:23:31.900
But how do you limit how much time we hang out, or what's enough, a good enough time

422
00:23:31.900 --> 00:23:37.580
that's pacing in terms of face-to-face hanging out when you're not getting any other matches

423
00:23:37.580 --> 00:23:41.820
on the app, so you can't really be multi-dating other people at the same time?

424
00:23:41.820 --> 00:23:43.380
So what would be a good pacing?

425
00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:48.000
Okay, so you guys, thank you for asking this question, because that's a great question.

426
00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:51.000
So first of all, I just want to let you guys know that all of your love stories are going

427
00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:52.000
to be different.

428
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:53.000
Okay?

429
00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:59.080
They're not going to run along the same track, and it's important that you understand that.

430
00:23:59.080 --> 00:24:04.560
Because otherwise, you can get really militant about comparing your love story to other people's,

431
00:24:04.560 --> 00:24:07.960
and also to some sort of standard that I'm setting.

432
00:24:07.980 --> 00:24:14.460
So what I do here, and what my team does here, is we do best practices, kind of gold standard.

433
00:24:14.460 --> 00:24:16.460
But there's always exceptions to every rule.

434
00:24:16.460 --> 00:24:20.740
But what we're doing is we're trying to create guardrails and boundaries for people so that

435
00:24:20.740 --> 00:24:26.780
they can stay safe out there, so that they can get to know people in a way that would

436
00:24:26.780 --> 00:24:29.980
cause them to know whether or not this is their person or not.

437
00:24:29.980 --> 00:24:30.980
You know?

438
00:24:30.980 --> 00:24:31.980
This is what we do.

439
00:24:31.980 --> 00:24:33.860
So she brings up a really good question.

440
00:24:33.860 --> 00:24:36.480
She's like, hey, there's no one else to date.

441
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:40.360
It's not for lack of trying, but you know, this person, you know, I'm having a good time

442
00:24:40.360 --> 00:24:41.360
with them.

443
00:24:41.360 --> 00:24:42.360
They're showing up.

444
00:24:42.360 --> 00:24:43.460
I'm showing up.

445
00:24:43.460 --> 00:24:46.940
So what's to stop her from fully focusing on this relationship?

446
00:24:46.940 --> 00:24:51.620
And so my question to you is, what's to stop you, okay?

447
00:24:51.620 --> 00:24:55.220
For those of you that didn't read my book, there's a 90-day framework.

448
00:24:55.220 --> 00:24:56.940
How long have you known him for, Natasha?

449
00:24:56.940 --> 00:24:59.580
It's only been like, well, two weeks.

450
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.440
We met, we literally matched two weeks ago.

451
00:25:02.440 --> 00:25:03.520
Okay, but you're having fun.

452
00:25:03.520 --> 00:25:05.560
How many times do you think you've been out in two weeks,

453
00:25:05.560 --> 00:25:07.040
face-to-face?

454
00:25:07.040 --> 00:25:07.880
Quite a bit.

455
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:11.040
Because we met, we actually saw our first date

456
00:25:11.040 --> 00:25:13.200
was actually we figured out we go to the same church.

457
00:25:13.200 --> 00:25:14.880
So our first date was we attended

458
00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:17.120
the evening service together,

459
00:25:17.120 --> 00:25:18.840
but didn't pray for one another.

460
00:25:18.840 --> 00:25:20.120
So we don't pray for one another.

461
00:25:20.120 --> 00:25:22.080
We don't do a minister to one another.

462
00:25:22.080 --> 00:25:24.120
We just went to church and then after that

463
00:25:24.120 --> 00:25:26.920
had tea and cake after the service.

464
00:25:27.000 --> 00:25:30.240
The second date was he asked if we could maybe

465
00:25:30.240 --> 00:25:32.040
go to a beginner salsa class.

466
00:25:33.520 --> 00:25:34.960
So we've done two of those.

467
00:25:34.960 --> 00:25:37.120
And then on last week Sunday,

468
00:25:37.120 --> 00:25:39.960
I serve in the worship team.

469
00:25:39.960 --> 00:25:42.800
So I was on choir for all three of the services.

470
00:25:42.800 --> 00:25:46.800
So he attended all three of the services

471
00:25:46.800 --> 00:25:49.440
and then wanted to hang out in between.

472
00:25:49.440 --> 00:25:50.760
And we actually did a tour

473
00:25:50.760 --> 00:25:52.120
because I had to go back home quickly

474
00:25:52.120 --> 00:25:55.840
before the third service to go walk my dog.

475
00:25:55.840 --> 00:25:57.680
So we went and walked the dog

476
00:25:57.680 --> 00:25:58.520
and then he dropped me back home.

477
00:25:58.520 --> 00:26:00.840
Okay, so this guy really likes you.

478
00:26:02.480 --> 00:26:04.120
Ladies, this is the definition of

479
00:26:04.120 --> 00:26:07.040
if he wanted to, he would, okay?

480
00:26:07.040 --> 00:26:08.360
This is it in real life.

481
00:26:08.360 --> 00:26:11.240
And so let me ask you, he obviously really likes you.

482
00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:12.960
How do you feel about him?

483
00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:13.880
I really like him.

484
00:26:13.880 --> 00:26:15.360
And he's very intentional.

485
00:26:15.360 --> 00:26:16.640
He's such a gentleman.

486
00:26:16.640 --> 00:26:20.000
He, you know, even when he takes me out after salsa,

487
00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:21.520
he'd be like, have you had dinner?

488
00:26:21.520 --> 00:26:23.320
Takes me out for dinner.

489
00:26:23.320 --> 00:26:24.480
When we're sharing a meal,

490
00:26:24.480 --> 00:26:27.120
he'll wait till I take a slice of pizza first

491
00:26:27.120 --> 00:26:27.960
before he does.

492
00:26:27.960 --> 00:26:31.600
So he is a gentleman, very paced.

493
00:26:31.600 --> 00:26:33.160
That's why I said we're not trauma bonding

494
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:34.200
and I'm a psychologist.

495
00:26:34.200 --> 00:26:36.960
So I'm very careful around not asking too much.

496
00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:39.400
I know that he's been married before.

497
00:26:39.400 --> 00:26:41.360
He's from Russia originally,

498
00:26:41.360 --> 00:26:43.480
lived in New Zealand for 10 years.

499
00:26:43.480 --> 00:26:45.920
He got divorced during COVID.

500
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:47.400
And I just asked him,

501
00:26:47.400 --> 00:26:49.640
do you think you've done the necessary processing

502
00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:51.280
around that with someone you trust?

503
00:26:51.280 --> 00:26:54.560
And he admitted that, yes, he's been to therapy for that.

504
00:26:54.560 --> 00:26:57.360
And he's still currently in that process,

505
00:26:57.360 --> 00:26:59.680
but not around the marriage stuff, other stuff.

506
00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:00.840
So I, and I left it at that.

507
00:27:00.840 --> 00:27:02.880
So I didn't inquire further.

508
00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:03.720
Yeah. Yeah.

509
00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:04.640
Two weeks in.

510
00:27:04.640 --> 00:27:05.560
That's good.

511
00:27:05.560 --> 00:27:07.360
Okay. So here's the thing.

512
00:27:07.360 --> 00:27:12.200
Does she have to go meet other people?

513
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:14.040
What do you guys think?

514
00:27:14.040 --> 00:27:14.880
Vote, vote.

515
00:27:22.120 --> 00:27:22.960
Okay.

516
00:27:25.040 --> 00:27:28.000
We've got one yes and mostly nos.

517
00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:28.840
All right.

518
00:27:28.840 --> 00:27:29.800
So here's the thing.

519
00:27:29.800 --> 00:27:31.440
The thing is, once again,

520
00:27:31.440 --> 00:27:33.600
everybody's timeline is gonna be different.

521
00:27:34.600 --> 00:27:36.200
Some people are gonna meet someone

522
00:27:36.200 --> 00:27:38.200
and hit it off right away like this.

523
00:27:39.600 --> 00:27:41.760
They're not, you know, they're not trying to make it happen.

524
00:27:41.760 --> 00:27:42.800
It just is happening.

525
00:27:42.800 --> 00:27:44.840
They both really enjoy each other's company.

526
00:27:44.840 --> 00:27:47.120
They're really enjoying getting to know each other.

527
00:27:47.120 --> 00:27:49.640
And there isn't anything wrong with her focusing

528
00:27:49.640 --> 00:27:52.480
on this man and him focusing on her.

529
00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:54.480
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

530
00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:56.000
if in just another couple of weeks,

531
00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:57.960
he asks her if, you know,

532
00:27:57.960 --> 00:28:01.600
if she would be willing to focus only on him

533
00:28:01.600 --> 00:28:03.960
and, you know, date him exclusively.

534
00:28:03.960 --> 00:28:06.600
And so it's always a yes until it's a no, friends.

535
00:28:06.600 --> 00:28:07.720
And right now it's a yes.

536
00:28:07.720 --> 00:28:09.440
It's kind of a big yes.

537
00:28:09.440 --> 00:28:11.600
And so what I would say is

538
00:28:11.600 --> 00:28:13.200
because you guys go to the same church,

539
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:14.280
okay, and this is another thing.

540
00:28:14.280 --> 00:28:17.000
David and I were next door neighbors.

541
00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:20.920
And so all of this pacing that I always preach to you guys,

542
00:28:20.920 --> 00:28:22.440
and remember, this is gold standard.

543
00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:23.920
These are guardrails.

544
00:28:23.920 --> 00:28:24.880
We didn't do that.

545
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:26.280
And the reason why we didn't do that

546
00:28:26.280 --> 00:28:28.320
is because we were next door neighbors.

547
00:28:28.320 --> 00:28:30.800
I saw him every single day.

548
00:28:30.800 --> 00:28:33.320
Whether I wanted to or not, I saw him every single day.

549
00:28:33.320 --> 00:28:35.920
His daughter and my daughter became best friends

550
00:28:35.920 --> 00:28:38.880
as neighbors before we were ever romantically involved.

551
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:41.600
They tried to play together every single day.

552
00:28:41.600 --> 00:28:45.680
She was constantly asking if she could go places with us.

553
00:28:45.880 --> 00:28:48.440
Can you ask my dad if I can go with you guys to the store?

554
00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:49.280
I want to go with you.

555
00:28:49.280 --> 00:28:50.120
I want to go with you.

556
00:28:50.120 --> 00:28:51.960
You know, she was missing mother in her life.

557
00:28:51.960 --> 00:28:53.400
She wanted to be with me.

558
00:28:54.600 --> 00:28:58.120
We co-parented, we carpooled each other's kids.

559
00:28:58.120 --> 00:29:00.280
And so in situations like this

560
00:29:00.280 --> 00:29:01.480
where you go to the same church,

561
00:29:01.480 --> 00:29:03.520
you're going to see each other all the time,

562
00:29:03.520 --> 00:29:06.120
you live in proximity to each other,

563
00:29:06.120 --> 00:29:08.080
it's hard just to say,

564
00:29:08.080 --> 00:29:09.480
oh, hey, my dating coach said

565
00:29:09.480 --> 00:29:11.160
we're only allowed to see each other once a week

566
00:29:11.160 --> 00:29:13.400
and for more than two hours.

567
00:29:14.360 --> 00:29:15.680
That doesn't work.

568
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:16.800
Yeah.

569
00:29:16.800 --> 00:29:19.720
Okay, so you have to know,

570
00:29:19.720 --> 00:29:22.120
you know, because you're a psychologist,

571
00:29:22.120 --> 00:29:25.080
you know, you know, codependency,

572
00:29:25.080 --> 00:29:28.120
you know, trauma bonding, you know, the whole spiel.

573
00:29:28.120 --> 00:29:30.480
So if you find yourself in a place

574
00:29:30.480 --> 00:29:32.760
where you're anxiously attaching,

575
00:29:32.760 --> 00:29:34.720
okay, it sounds like you're more of a secure attacher,

576
00:29:34.720 --> 00:29:37.480
but if you find yourself in a place where you're like,

577
00:29:37.480 --> 00:29:39.600
oh, you know, I wonder if this is the one,

578
00:29:39.600 --> 00:29:41.880
I wonder if he wants, if he's going to want to marry me,

579
00:29:42.200 --> 00:29:44.920
I wonder, you know, how long this is going to take,

580
00:29:44.920 --> 00:29:47.280
then, you know, it's time to kind of step back.

581
00:29:58.840 --> 00:30:00.640
Is it just me or did Jackie forget?

582
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.840
Please, yes, Jackie, you're frozen.

583
00:30:15.200 --> 00:30:17.160
Come back, Jackie, come back.

584
00:30:19.600 --> 00:30:20.360
I know, right.

585
00:30:23.640 --> 00:30:25.600
I love this, Natasha, I'm happy for you.

586
00:30:26.160 --> 00:30:27.040
Thank you.

587
00:30:27.040 --> 00:30:31.480
It is quite exciting, but I'm also trying to be paced.

588
00:30:31.880 --> 00:30:34.760
Yes, I'm excited for you.

589
00:30:35.200 --> 00:30:36.080
Thank you.

590
00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:41.960
Come back, Jackie.

591
00:30:45.120 --> 00:30:47.000
She logged off, she'll probably log back in.

592
00:30:47.560 --> 00:30:47.960
OK.

593
00:30:52.280 --> 00:30:55.400
Natasha, while the focus is on you, how did you guys meet?

594
00:30:55.400 --> 00:30:56.360
Did you meet at church?

595
00:30:57.280 --> 00:30:58.760
We actually met on Hinge.

596
00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:00.640
Oh, yeah.

597
00:31:01.320 --> 00:31:05.520
Yeah. So we met on Hinge and it's it's after I'd taken.

598
00:31:05.560 --> 00:31:08.880
I mean, I haven't been in Hinge over a year because I just felt like

599
00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:13.400
in my previous experiences of Hinge, no, didn't get any

600
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:16.320
any real matches from it.

601
00:31:16.320 --> 00:31:18.200
But this time I was just like, you know what?

602
00:31:18.200 --> 00:31:20.600
I don't because I've done the hard work and done the work.

603
00:31:20.600 --> 00:31:23.640
I was like, let me try it because, you know, because I'm showing up

604
00:31:23.640 --> 00:31:26.040
differently for myself as well, having read the book.

605
00:31:26.040 --> 00:31:28.560
So I'm just going to approach it very differently.

606
00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:34.120
So I tried it and we matched effectively like a week

607
00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:38.600
into me having reset up a new profile. Yeah.

608
00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:42.280
That's amazing.

609
00:31:42.280 --> 00:31:43.520
Oh, there you are.

610
00:31:43.520 --> 00:31:44.800
Yeah. Sorry, guys.

611
00:31:44.800 --> 00:31:48.160
The Internet at my daughter's house failed, just failed for no reason.

612
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:50.120
So I have no idea. It's not my house.

613
00:31:50.120 --> 00:31:53.360
So we're just going to go on my phone and we're just going to keep on going.

614
00:31:53.360 --> 00:31:54.760
Let's keep the party going.

615
00:31:54.760 --> 00:31:58.360
All right. So, friends, I want to I want you to see something else right there.

616
00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:02.920
I think that their electricity might have gone off

617
00:32:02.920 --> 00:32:04.840
and now it just started again. OK.

618
00:32:04.840 --> 00:32:08.480
So one of the things that I want you to see in our friend Natasha's story.

619
00:32:09.560 --> 00:32:15.280
Is once again, they are in close proximity to each other,

620
00:32:15.280 --> 00:32:18.520
so they're going a little faster, maybe then a lot of people

621
00:32:18.520 --> 00:32:21.640
would feel comfortable with like, oh, we're spending too much time together.

622
00:32:21.920 --> 00:32:26.440
You know, what if we what if we get, you know, connected and dependent

623
00:32:26.440 --> 00:32:29.680
and then it falls apart and this person is not the one and they break my heart?

624
00:32:29.680 --> 00:32:33.800
Or, you know, what if I just ignore red flags because I'm liking them so much?

625
00:32:33.800 --> 00:32:38.120
Because there's no reason to borrow trouble from tomorrow.

626
00:32:38.120 --> 00:32:39.640
It's either a yes or it's a no.

627
00:32:39.640 --> 00:32:43.120
And this is why in my book club I had people make their non-negotiables.

628
00:32:43.520 --> 00:32:47.440
These are absolute deal breakers that you vet people with.

629
00:32:48.040 --> 00:32:51.120
And so Natasha is going to actually if she made her list of deal breakers

630
00:32:51.120 --> 00:32:54.080
and Natasha, if you did, I'm going to have you share what they are in just one second.

631
00:32:55.080 --> 00:32:58.960
She is able to because she's getting to know him so quickly

632
00:32:59.200 --> 00:33:02.480
because they're spending time together so much because of church

633
00:33:02.480 --> 00:33:03.840
and because of proximity.

634
00:33:03.840 --> 00:33:06.200
Guess what? She's going to find out a lot quicker

635
00:33:06.200 --> 00:33:09.240
whether or not he has deal breakers of hers, isn't she?

636
00:33:10.440 --> 00:33:12.600
Right. So, Natasha, what are your deal breakers?

637
00:33:12.600 --> 00:33:13.480
Did you make your list?

638
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:17.880
And ladies and gentlemen, I do not want you guys to have more than 15 deal breakers,

639
00:33:18.440 --> 00:33:19.840
15 non-negotiables.

640
00:33:19.840 --> 00:33:22.720
And I don't want you to be hiding the peas in the mashed potatoes.

641
00:33:23.480 --> 00:33:26.560
OK, I don't want them to be hidden within preference.

642
00:33:26.560 --> 00:33:27.040
Go ahead.

643
00:33:27.040 --> 00:33:31.480
I did do them and post them in the group after I compiled it.

644
00:33:31.480 --> 00:33:36.360
It's not I don't even think I have probably about five or six non-negotiables.

645
00:33:36.360 --> 00:33:37.600
What are they?

646
00:33:37.600 --> 00:33:41.240
They're about a healthy relationship with God,

647
00:33:42.760 --> 00:33:46.120
someone who is confident and a good leader.

648
00:33:46.160 --> 00:33:49.120
So stewards that well, like in terms of,

649
00:33:49.920 --> 00:33:53.800
yeah, someone who intellectually can stimulate me

650
00:33:53.800 --> 00:33:56.480
and also someone who's emotionally mature.

651
00:33:57.600 --> 00:34:01.160
Someone who's marriage minded and family orientated.

652
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:04.040
That's it. I think that that's about what I.

653
00:34:04.040 --> 00:34:06.920
So those are non-negotiables that she would be able to see

654
00:34:06.920 --> 00:34:09.600
in the first six months of getting to know this gentleman.

655
00:34:10.199 --> 00:34:13.239
I'm sorry, in the first 60 days of getting to know this gentleman.

656
00:34:13.239 --> 00:34:13.920
But guess what?

657
00:34:13.920 --> 00:34:18.639
She's going to be able to see a lot quicker because of the accelerated path.

658
00:34:19.600 --> 00:34:21.639
Recording in progress.

659
00:34:21.639 --> 00:34:24.280
And I have also because he was at church.

660
00:34:24.280 --> 00:34:29.520
So I was still quite mindful in being with my my discipleship group at church.

661
00:34:29.520 --> 00:34:32.280
So he would let him know where I am.

662
00:34:32.280 --> 00:34:33.480
And he came and met them.

663
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:34.880
So they are aware of him.

664
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:37.400
And they also know what my non-negotiable list is.

665
00:34:37.719 --> 00:34:39.719
So they can also be my eyes and ears.

666
00:34:40.120 --> 00:34:44.239
And so that's your that's your relationship advisory circle.

667
00:34:44.520 --> 00:34:45.400
That's your relationship.

668
00:34:45.400 --> 00:34:48.000
OK, so it sounds like it sounds like you've been in my book club.

669
00:34:48.760 --> 00:34:52.520
Yeah, so I've done that and all my friends know what I'm looking for.

670
00:34:52.520 --> 00:34:54.880
So, OK. Yeah.

671
00:34:54.880 --> 00:34:58.040
Well, this sounds really good and it sounds really positive.

672
00:34:58.040 --> 00:34:59.880
It sounds really healthy so far.

673
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.080
And so my advice to you would just be to keep going.

674
00:35:04.200 --> 00:35:05.280
Just keep going.

675
00:35:05.280 --> 00:35:06.120
Yeah.

676
00:35:06.120 --> 00:35:07.040
Yeah, we're excited for you.

677
00:35:07.040 --> 00:35:09.180
And you guys, did you hear?

678
00:35:09.180 --> 00:35:11.240
The things that she had done before didn't work.

679
00:35:11.240 --> 00:35:12.420
And then all of a sudden, you know,

680
00:35:12.420 --> 00:35:14.260
she put her fish and pole back in the water

681
00:35:14.260 --> 00:35:16.660
and she caught herself a big one.

682
00:35:16.660 --> 00:35:17.500
All right.

683
00:35:17.500 --> 00:35:20.600
And so sometimes it's just how it happens.

684
00:35:20.600 --> 00:35:23.440
And so someone should just be putting in the chat,

685
00:35:23.440 --> 00:35:26.620
I'm next, because that's really how it happens.

686
00:35:26.620 --> 00:35:27.480
It really does.

687
00:35:27.480 --> 00:35:29.000
So celebrate with your sister

688
00:35:29.040 --> 00:35:30.720
that she's having a good time.

689
00:35:30.720 --> 00:35:32.060
She's enjoying her summer.

690
00:35:32.060 --> 00:35:35.120
She's having a little summer of getting to know you.

691
00:35:35.120 --> 00:35:36.920
And we're excited for you, Natasha.

692
00:35:36.920 --> 00:35:37.920
Keep us posted, okay?

693
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:40.280
Well, it's winter here, so.

694
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:42.840
Yeah, keep us posted on that.

695
00:35:42.840 --> 00:35:43.680
Thank you.

696
00:35:46.160 --> 00:35:47.000
Hola.

697
00:35:47.840 --> 00:35:49.400
Como le va?

698
00:35:49.400 --> 00:35:50.240
Oh.

699
00:35:53.200 --> 00:35:54.600
Sorry, y'all.

700
00:35:54.600 --> 00:35:56.160
Nicola, you're next.

701
00:35:56.160 --> 00:35:57.120
Nicola?

702
00:35:57.120 --> 00:35:57.960
Nicola?

703
00:35:59.920 --> 00:36:00.760
Nicola?

704
00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:05.560
Yes.

705
00:36:05.560 --> 00:36:06.520
Hi.

706
00:36:06.520 --> 00:36:07.360
I'm sorry.

707
00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:11.640
Is it okay if the camera is off?

708
00:36:11.640 --> 00:36:12.560
I mean, it is off.

709
00:36:12.560 --> 00:36:14.760
Is there, you mean, does it have to be off?

710
00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:19.720
If it has to be off for whatever reason, that's fine.

711
00:36:19.720 --> 00:36:20.800
Just go ahead and ask your question.

712
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:21.640
It's okay.

713
00:36:23.400 --> 00:36:25.120
I wanted to ask,

714
00:36:25.120 --> 00:36:27.960
I met someone recently at a store

715
00:36:27.960 --> 00:36:30.680
and we exchanged numbers.

716
00:36:30.680 --> 00:36:35.680
And he fixes bikes and give it out to kids.

717
00:36:39.080 --> 00:36:44.080
So he left the store and then I was behind

718
00:36:45.920 --> 00:36:47.680
and then I started leaving the store.

719
00:36:47.680 --> 00:36:49.920
And then the thought came to my mind,

720
00:36:49.920 --> 00:36:51.520
what if he's still outside?

721
00:36:51.520 --> 00:36:54.160
So I went outside and I saw him and he was like,

722
00:36:54.160 --> 00:36:55.240
do you have any kids?

723
00:36:55.240 --> 00:36:56.080
And I said, no.

724
00:36:56.080 --> 00:36:56.920
No.

725
00:36:57.760 --> 00:37:01.200
Oh, Hedge, what do you say, old Iraq?

726
00:37:04.720 --> 00:37:06.320
Hello?

727
00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:07.880
Yeah, we just gotta mute someone.

728
00:37:07.880 --> 00:37:08.840
Go ahead.

729
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:10.320
Sorry about that.

730
00:37:10.320 --> 00:37:12.040
So he asked me for my number

731
00:37:12.040 --> 00:37:15.120
and then two weeks later I called him

732
00:37:15.120 --> 00:37:17.080
and I told him that I have a bike.

733
00:37:17.080 --> 00:37:21.320
If he doesn't mind looking at it, a bicycle.

734
00:37:21.320 --> 00:37:22.800
And-

735
00:37:22.800 --> 00:37:23.920
Good play, girl.

736
00:37:24.600 --> 00:37:28.040
So we have been talking back and forth

737
00:37:28.040 --> 00:37:30.960
for a week through texts.

738
00:37:30.960 --> 00:37:35.960
And we had an appointment for last Saturday,

739
00:37:38.080 --> 00:37:43.080
but I had to cancel it because I went out of town.

740
00:37:43.480 --> 00:37:45.600
So he just asked me today

741
00:37:45.600 --> 00:37:49.240
if I still wanted to meet on Saturday and I said, yes.

742
00:37:49.280 --> 00:37:54.280
But I also found out that he's, during his texting,

743
00:37:55.160 --> 00:37:58.000
he said that he's divorced.

744
00:37:58.000 --> 00:38:01.440
So I didn't say anything about that.

745
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:03.720
And I was just wondering like,

746
00:38:06.480 --> 00:38:11.480
when would I, like, should I ask him about his divorce

747
00:38:11.600 --> 00:38:16.600
or should I just wait to see how things go?

748
00:38:17.600 --> 00:38:19.400
I mean, it's a really personal question.

749
00:38:19.400 --> 00:38:21.960
So obviously you don't know this man well enough

750
00:38:21.960 --> 00:38:23.080
to ask him about it.

751
00:38:23.080 --> 00:38:25.480
And even though you have a little bit

752
00:38:25.480 --> 00:38:27.360
of a romantic design towards him,

753
00:38:27.360 --> 00:38:30.760
it doesn't mean that he has a romantic design towards you.

754
00:38:30.760 --> 00:38:32.560
She dropped the hanky, good for her.

755
00:38:32.560 --> 00:38:33.760
Do you guys see how she did it?

756
00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:36.440
She did it, I'd say expert level.

757
00:38:36.440 --> 00:38:38.600
She saw something that he was interested in.

758
00:38:38.600 --> 00:38:41.440
She had something that correlated

759
00:38:41.440 --> 00:38:43.680
to what he was interested in, right?

760
00:38:43.720 --> 00:38:47.040
And she said, hey, I've got a bike.

761
00:38:47.040 --> 00:38:49.720
Would you mind coming and looking at my bike?

762
00:38:49.720 --> 00:38:50.560
And here's the thing.

763
00:38:50.560 --> 00:38:54.360
The thing is, is that she did something that men love.

764
00:38:54.360 --> 00:38:56.480
She talked about something he was interested in,

765
00:38:56.480 --> 00:38:57.680
something he's doing,

766
00:38:57.680 --> 00:39:01.280
and then she asked him to help her with that thing.

767
00:39:02.360 --> 00:39:04.800
That's a slam dunk.

768
00:39:04.800 --> 00:39:06.240
That's a home run.

769
00:39:06.240 --> 00:39:09.160
Now, whether or not he's going to be romantically interested

770
00:39:09.160 --> 00:39:11.120
in her after they get together on Saturday,

771
00:39:11.120 --> 00:39:13.520
whether she's gonna be romantically interested in him

772
00:39:14.360 --> 00:39:16.600
when she gets to know him a little bit better, who knows?

773
00:39:16.600 --> 00:39:19.400
But it really was a really good hanky drop,

774
00:39:19.400 --> 00:39:23.160
and then we'll see what's gonna happen next.

775
00:39:23.160 --> 00:39:25.680
But no, you don't need to find out about his divorce.

776
00:39:25.680 --> 00:39:27.560
You don't need to find out why he's divorced

777
00:39:27.560 --> 00:39:29.640
or any of the things about him like that.

778
00:39:29.640 --> 00:39:33.640
What you need to do is when he comes to look at your bike

779
00:39:33.640 --> 00:39:35.600
or whatever it is y'all are gonna do,

780
00:39:35.600 --> 00:39:38.360
you need to just be around him,

781
00:39:38.360 --> 00:39:39.800
see what his presence is like,

782
00:39:39.800 --> 00:39:41.640
see if you're even attracted to him.

783
00:39:41.760 --> 00:39:45.240
You only saw him briefly in a store besides the texting.

784
00:39:45.240 --> 00:39:47.840
So see if you're even interested in doing more.

785
00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:49.280
And if you are interested in doing more

786
00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:51.480
after he looks at your bike or whatever,

787
00:39:51.480 --> 00:39:53.720
as payment of that, you can say,

788
00:39:53.720 --> 00:39:55.840
hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee?

789
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:57.400
He probably won't let you.

790
00:39:57.400 --> 00:39:58.680
He'll probably wanna buy the coffee

791
00:39:58.680 --> 00:40:00.040
if he's interested in you.

792
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.960
but you know, you can keep that going.

793
00:40:01.960 --> 00:40:05.060
You can repay him somehow for helping you.

794
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:07.360
You know, if you really like him,

795
00:40:07.360 --> 00:40:10.720
you'd be like, hey, you know, let me make you a sandwich.

796
00:40:10.720 --> 00:40:13.380
Let me cook you a meal.

797
00:40:13.380 --> 00:40:14.760
That's another way to a man's heart,

798
00:40:14.760 --> 00:40:16.880
but don't ask any personal questions

799
00:40:16.880 --> 00:40:19.760
until we see if we even wanna get personal.

800
00:40:19.760 --> 00:40:22.520
Okay, and during the text,

801
00:40:22.520 --> 00:40:25.640
I found out that he was involved in ministry.

802
00:40:25.640 --> 00:40:29.000
He worked for a very known ministry

803
00:40:30.000 --> 00:40:31.440
that is in the United States,

804
00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:35.560
but also goes throughout the country, the world.

805
00:40:35.560 --> 00:40:38.040
And he was sharing a lot of it,

806
00:40:38.040 --> 00:40:42.280
the information that he works for them for nine years

807
00:40:42.280 --> 00:40:43.920
and different things, yeah.

808
00:40:43.920 --> 00:40:45.460
Awesome, awesome.

809
00:40:45.460 --> 00:40:46.920
Well, we're excited for you.

810
00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:48.480
So let's see what happens.

811
00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:49.760
Do you really have a bike?

812
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:51.440
Yeah, I do.

813
00:40:51.440 --> 00:40:52.280
Okay.

814
00:40:52.280 --> 00:40:55.200
Did you go outside and take a baseball bat to it

815
00:40:55.200 --> 00:40:56.960
and break it so that-

816
00:40:56.960 --> 00:40:57.800
No.

817
00:41:00.760 --> 00:41:03.120
But I do have an extra one just in case

818
00:41:03.120 --> 00:41:05.880
I need to go get another one.

819
00:41:05.880 --> 00:41:06.720
Yeah.

820
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:11.360
Ladies, what she did was really great.

821
00:41:11.360 --> 00:41:14.800
And I really wanna encourage you guys.

822
00:41:14.800 --> 00:41:16.440
You know, what are the easiest ways

823
00:41:16.440 --> 00:41:18.840
to start a conversation with a man that you see

824
00:41:18.840 --> 00:41:20.440
that you would like to talk to?

825
00:41:20.440 --> 00:41:21.920
And maybe you think he's single.

826
00:41:21.920 --> 00:41:23.160
He might not end up being single.

827
00:41:23.160 --> 00:41:24.320
And I'm just gonna tell you right now,

828
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:28.960
no man is ever going to be anything less than flattered

829
00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:33.480
if you talk to him and, you know, try to get his number,

830
00:41:33.480 --> 00:41:36.440
try to connect with him, even if he's got a girlfriend.

831
00:41:36.440 --> 00:41:38.920
He's gonna be like, oh, thank you so much.

832
00:41:38.920 --> 00:41:40.280
I have a girlfriend or thank you so much.

833
00:41:40.280 --> 00:41:41.720
I'm married or whatever.

834
00:41:41.720 --> 00:41:43.300
But he's gonna say, I'm flattered.

835
00:41:43.300 --> 00:41:46.160
Like he isn't going to, unless he's a weirdo,

836
00:41:46.160 --> 00:41:48.640
he's not gonna be like, oh, okay.

837
00:41:48.640 --> 00:41:52.360
So men like to be appreciated just the way, you know,

838
00:41:52.360 --> 00:41:56.480
a lot of women don't because women have like stranger danger

839
00:41:56.480 --> 00:41:57.600
but men do.

840
00:41:57.600 --> 00:42:00.120
Okay, and so one thing that I want to tell you ladies,

841
00:42:00.120 --> 00:42:02.800
and this is what Nicole did so expertly, Nicola did.

842
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:03.840
Is it, how do I say it?

843
00:42:03.840 --> 00:42:04.680
Nicola?

844
00:42:04.680 --> 00:42:06.560
Yes, it's correct, Nicola.

845
00:42:06.560 --> 00:42:07.400
Nicola.

846
00:42:07.400 --> 00:42:10.160
Okay, so one thing that she did really well is,

847
00:42:10.160 --> 00:42:11.640
you know, this is flirting.

848
00:42:11.640 --> 00:42:12.480
She was flirting.

849
00:42:12.480 --> 00:42:13.960
And hopefully he picked up on that

850
00:42:13.960 --> 00:42:15.560
with come and look at my bike.

851
00:42:15.560 --> 00:42:18.200
Okay, and he probably did.

852
00:42:18.200 --> 00:42:19.480
But what I want to say is,

853
00:42:19.480 --> 00:42:22.040
is that if you want to talk to a man,

854
00:42:22.040 --> 00:42:24.880
talk to him about something he's interested in.

855
00:42:24.880 --> 00:42:25.960
Ask him about something.

856
00:42:25.960 --> 00:42:28.720
I know Audra, Audra is a private client of mine.

857
00:42:28.720 --> 00:42:32.520
By the way, for the first time in two years,

858
00:42:32.520 --> 00:42:34.120
I'm opening up my books.

859
00:42:34.120 --> 00:42:36.120
If you've ever wanted to coach with me,

860
00:42:36.120 --> 00:42:38.480
if you've ever wanted to be a private client with me,

861
00:42:38.480 --> 00:42:41.280
I felt impressed to open up my books.

862
00:42:41.280 --> 00:42:42.200
I've been super busy.

863
00:42:42.200 --> 00:42:44.240
I haven't been able to do a lot of one-on-one coaching.

864
00:42:44.240 --> 00:42:46.280
Audra can tell you that it's really fun

865
00:42:46.280 --> 00:42:48.280
to one-on-one coach with me.

866
00:42:48.280 --> 00:42:50.280
But one thing that Audra has done

867
00:42:50.280 --> 00:42:52.320
is she's taken up golf lessons.

868
00:42:52.320 --> 00:42:54.840
And whether you're good or bad at golfing,

869
00:42:54.880 --> 00:42:55.880
I will say this,

870
00:42:55.880 --> 00:42:57.960
if you are at the driving range

871
00:42:57.960 --> 00:43:00.240
and you see a man you want to talk to,

872
00:43:00.240 --> 00:43:01.080
you can ask him-

873
00:43:01.080 --> 00:43:02.800
Oh wow, look at his kid already.

874
00:43:05.400 --> 00:43:07.960
You can talk to him about his clubs.

875
00:43:07.960 --> 00:43:10.120
You can ask him about his swing.

876
00:43:11.320 --> 00:43:13.600
Asking a man to show you something like,

877
00:43:13.600 --> 00:43:18.600
hey, I noticed that you got a really long drive.

878
00:43:18.880 --> 00:43:20.600
What club do you use for that?

879
00:43:20.600 --> 00:43:24.960
Men love to teach you things, okay?

880
00:43:24.960 --> 00:43:28.040
They love to show what they can do.

881
00:43:28.040 --> 00:43:32.320
And so asking a guy, asking, you know,

882
00:43:32.320 --> 00:43:35.240
seeing a guy, you guys, it's not manipulative

883
00:43:35.240 --> 00:43:37.280
and it's not even lying, okay?

884
00:43:37.280 --> 00:43:38.400
It's just flirting.

885
00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:40.360
So if you see a guy and he's, you know,

886
00:43:40.360 --> 00:43:42.720
got a car and you see him there

887
00:43:42.720 --> 00:43:44.160
and you really want to say hi to him,

888
00:43:44.160 --> 00:43:46.120
but you know, he's about to leave,

889
00:43:46.120 --> 00:43:48.400
you know, you can just walk by and say,

890
00:43:48.400 --> 00:43:50.960
oh, hey, I see, you know,

891
00:43:50.960 --> 00:43:52.840
I see you got a Kia Telluride.

892
00:43:52.840 --> 00:43:54.240
Do you like it?

893
00:43:54.240 --> 00:43:55.240
How long have you had it for?

894
00:43:55.240 --> 00:43:56.920
Do you like it?

895
00:43:56.920 --> 00:43:58.680
You know, and you don't have to say

896
00:43:58.680 --> 00:44:01.240
I'm in the market to buy a car if you,

897
00:44:01.240 --> 00:44:03.200
if you're not, okay?

898
00:44:03.200 --> 00:44:05.720
I mean, not to lie to him, but you can just say,

899
00:44:05.720 --> 00:44:07.840
you know, I've wondered if these cars are good

900
00:44:07.840 --> 00:44:09.760
or, you know, I wonder right now,

901
00:44:09.760 --> 00:44:11.320
you're wondering if this car is good

902
00:44:11.320 --> 00:44:12.840
because there's a hot guy getting into it

903
00:44:12.840 --> 00:44:14.000
that you want to talk to.

904
00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:16.440
And so you're like, do you like this car?

905
00:44:16.440 --> 00:44:18.360
And then he'll talk to you.

906
00:44:19.200 --> 00:44:20.760
Trust me, a guy will talk about his car.

907
00:44:20.760 --> 00:44:21.920
It's probably not a Kia Telluride,

908
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:23.480
that's what I drive, okay?

909
00:44:23.480 --> 00:44:25.480
But it's probably something,

910
00:44:25.480 --> 00:44:27.480
it's a Bronco, it's a Mustang,

911
00:44:27.480 --> 00:44:30.200
it's a, you know, whatever men like and drive,

912
00:44:30.200 --> 00:44:32.480
I don't even know, but, you know,

913
00:44:32.480 --> 00:44:35.640
they'll be happy to tell you about their golf club

914
00:44:35.640 --> 00:44:39.800
or their car or whatever, okay?

915
00:44:39.800 --> 00:44:40.800
So that was great.

916
00:44:40.800 --> 00:44:43.040
All right, Pauline, what do you got?

917
00:44:43.040 --> 00:44:44.560
If you're interested, by the way,

918
00:44:44.560 --> 00:44:48.080
in what I said about one-on-one coaching with me,

919
00:44:49.080 --> 00:44:51.760
it's a very limited opportunity.

920
00:44:51.760 --> 00:44:54.440
I'm only going to take a handful of people.

921
00:44:54.440 --> 00:44:57.960
One-on-one coaching is very time intensive for me.

922
00:44:57.960 --> 00:45:00.000
I try to be a very thorough.

923
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.080
I'm a very engaged coach, which is why I haven't had time for it, but I didn't do any retreats

924
00:45:05.080 --> 00:45:07.800
this year, but we are going to do one retreat at the end of the year.

925
00:45:07.800 --> 00:45:11.240
The Austin retreat is going to happen this year, so if you've been waiting and wondering

926
00:45:11.240 --> 00:45:14.400
if you're going to get to come to the Austin retreat, we are going to be doing a singles

927
00:45:14.400 --> 00:45:19.220
conference and a retreat in Austin, so I just want to let you guys know that.

928
00:45:19.220 --> 00:45:24.880
And then we're going to be doing a singles conference in the fall out in New Jersey,

929
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:30.000
so all of you New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Connecticut people, D.C., all those

930
00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:31.920
people are going to be doing that out there.

931
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:35.720
And the Cleveland conference has been bumped to April of next year.

932
00:45:35.720 --> 00:45:39.120
So just to let you know, those are some dates that we have going on.

933
00:45:39.120 --> 00:45:42.160
And then, of course, the one-on-one coaching is open.

934
00:45:42.160 --> 00:45:43.800
You guys, it will fill up immediately.

935
00:45:43.800 --> 00:45:47.680
I am actually going to post it on my Instagram tonight.

936
00:45:47.680 --> 00:45:52.040
People in the program will get first dibs, though, for those slots.

937
00:45:52.040 --> 00:45:59.680
So email us, Jackie, not Jackie, admin at JackieDorman.com if you're interested.

938
00:45:59.680 --> 00:46:03.280
And if you really are interested, I would send that email tonight because that's probably

939
00:46:03.280 --> 00:46:05.080
how quick that will fill up.

940
00:46:05.080 --> 00:46:07.480
Two years, I have not been one-on-one coaching.

941
00:46:07.480 --> 00:46:08.480
Okay.

942
00:46:08.480 --> 00:46:09.480
All right.

943
00:46:09.480 --> 00:46:10.480
Let's go with Pauline.

944
00:46:10.480 --> 00:46:11.480
Hi, Jackie.

945
00:46:11.480 --> 00:46:12.480
Hi, everyone.

946
00:46:12.480 --> 00:46:13.480
Just a quick question.

947
00:46:13.480 --> 00:46:27.760
This is regarding consideration of whether to give like a past relationship another chance.

948
00:46:27.760 --> 00:46:34.840
And so why I'm asking is because since the breakup, I think for a month plus, I was kind

949
00:46:34.840 --> 00:46:41.040
of feeling like, nah, I don't think things are going to work out and we should just be

950
00:46:41.200 --> 00:46:45.760
Or rather, I don't see anything beyond friendship.

951
00:46:45.760 --> 00:46:51.080
But as I continue to kind of be open to my own grieving process and how I really feel

952
00:46:51.080 --> 00:46:57.920
about the relationship and the ending of it, I find myself at a place where I'm kind of

953
00:46:57.920 --> 00:47:07.600
like, I guess, being open to a possibility of a romantic relationship happening between

954
00:47:07.600 --> 00:47:09.160
us again in the future.

955
00:47:09.160 --> 00:47:16.200
I'm not saying immediately, but I find myself kind of wondering if this is coming from a

956
00:47:16.200 --> 00:47:23.600
healthy place or is some part of the attraction coming from a place that is not healthy.

957
00:47:23.600 --> 00:47:24.600
Okay.

958
00:47:24.600 --> 00:47:25.920
So let's, let's, let's break it down.

959
00:47:25.920 --> 00:47:29.720
So how long did you know him for as a friend?

960
00:47:29.720 --> 00:47:30.720
Not long.

961
00:47:30.720 --> 00:47:32.880
Actually, we, we, let me think.

962
00:47:32.880 --> 00:47:36.680
I think we knew each other for less than a week.

963
00:47:36.680 --> 00:47:42.720
And then we kind of just felt a lot of chemistry and then we started dating each other exclusively.

964
00:47:42.720 --> 00:47:43.720
Okay.

965
00:47:43.720 --> 00:47:47.080
And how long did you date exclusively for?

966
00:47:47.080 --> 00:47:52.840
It was again, like on and off in that we kind of like felt like we had to take a break and

967
00:47:52.840 --> 00:47:53.840
then we went back in.

968
00:47:53.840 --> 00:47:54.840
Okay.

969
00:47:54.840 --> 00:47:56.440
Who felt like they needed to take a break?

970
00:47:56.440 --> 00:47:59.320
You or him?

971
00:47:59.320 --> 00:48:02.200
Both of us had pet alternates.

972
00:48:02.200 --> 00:48:03.200
Okay.

973
00:48:03.200 --> 00:48:04.200
And for what reasons?

974
00:48:04.200 --> 00:48:07.480
What were the reasons for those breaks?

975
00:48:07.480 --> 00:48:15.240
I think the first one was that we had different standards when it came to intimacy in a relationship.

976
00:48:15.240 --> 00:48:18.640
So that was one thing where we kind of put a pause and then we came back and discussed

977
00:48:18.640 --> 00:48:19.640
and talked about it.

978
00:48:19.640 --> 00:48:20.640
Okay.

979
00:48:20.640 --> 00:48:23.400
So the, say the different standard was you want to wait till marriage and he doesn't

980
00:48:23.400 --> 00:48:25.520
think it's necessary.

981
00:48:25.520 --> 00:48:29.960
We were, we were talking about, no, we, I think we were both agree, agreed that no,

982
00:48:29.960 --> 00:48:34.880
there is no sex before marriage, but then what was what's permissible kind of that

983
00:48:34.880 --> 00:48:35.880
question.

984
00:48:35.880 --> 00:48:36.880
Okay.

985
00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:37.880
That's the slippery slope.

986
00:48:37.880 --> 00:48:38.880
Got it.

987
00:48:38.880 --> 00:48:39.880
Yeah, exactly.

988
00:48:39.880 --> 00:48:40.880
Right.

989
00:48:40.880 --> 00:48:43.040
So you guys broke it off because of that the first time and then what happened?

990
00:48:43.040 --> 00:48:46.320
And so who broke up because of that one, you or him?

991
00:48:46.320 --> 00:48:50.480
He wanted to take a pause, but I was like, I don't know how to do a pause.

992
00:48:50.480 --> 00:48:54.760
And I was like, no, let's just then stop, you know, because how did you get back together

993
00:48:54.760 --> 00:48:55.800
after that one?

994
00:48:55.800 --> 00:48:56.800
After that?

995
00:48:56.800 --> 00:49:01.760
So we continued chatting after that, or rather he reached out and we started chatting again.

996
00:49:01.760 --> 00:49:08.600
And then I brought the topic up again about the whole slippery slope thing.

997
00:49:08.600 --> 00:49:16.240
And then we came to a kind of consensus and in the midst of that, we got back together.

998
00:49:16.240 --> 00:49:22.760
But then I think he got stressed at work and I leaned a bit anxious, but I'm more, I think

999
00:49:22.760 --> 00:49:26.720
I would, I'm the fearful avoidant, but lean a bit more anxious.

1000
00:49:27.640 --> 00:49:33.240
And so I think at some point, and I think he leaned more avoidant.

1001
00:49:33.240 --> 00:49:39.040
And so there will be times where I kind of reach out for clarification or reassurance,

1002
00:49:39.040 --> 00:49:42.800
but not big time because I'm very mindful, but I know that.

1003
00:49:42.800 --> 00:49:43.800
Let's stop there.

1004
00:49:43.800 --> 00:49:44.800
Okay.

1005
00:49:44.800 --> 00:49:45.800
Let's stop there for a second.

1006
00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:47.320
So I want to make a comment about attachment style.

1007
00:49:47.320 --> 00:49:51.000
So if you're not familiar with attachment style, that's what Pauline's talking about.

1008
00:49:51.000 --> 00:49:52.760
We do have some really good teachings on that.

1009
00:49:52.760 --> 00:49:55.000
You can look them up in the replays.

1010
00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:58.000
You guys are all in phase three, so you can look them up in the replays.

1011
00:49:58.000 --> 00:50:00.040
I can revisit the attachment style.

1012
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.960
that's something that everybody wants, I can do that on my next Ask Jackie. But one way that you

1013
00:50:06.960 --> 00:50:13.440
can tell if someone's leaning avoidant is they'll usually withdraw or pull away as soon as there is

1014
00:50:13.440 --> 00:50:20.640
any kind of emotional need from their partner. All right, so as soon as things get kind of

1015
00:50:20.640 --> 00:50:25.520
elevated emotionally where we're getting dependent on them or we need them for something, this is

1016
00:50:25.520 --> 00:50:33.520
when they'll usually kind of start to pull away. And so we're seeing that here, okay, because she

1017
00:50:33.520 --> 00:50:39.440
is saying that I'm not usually anxious, but I was becoming anxious in this relationship.

1018
00:50:39.440 --> 00:50:43.280
I usually kind of lean fearful avoidant a little bit, but I was becoming anxious in

1019
00:50:43.280 --> 00:50:48.400
this relationship. And the reason why is because her nervous system was reacting to someone who's

1020
00:50:48.400 --> 00:50:54.000
truly avoidant. Okay, not understanding where she stands with him. Is he in? Is he out?

1021
00:50:55.200 --> 00:50:59.840
Is he hot? Is he cold? What's going on? Like wanting reassurance. And you guys, that is the

1022
00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:05.520
kryptonite of a true avoidant. If someone's a true avoidant and you want clarity, they are going to

1023
00:51:05.520 --> 00:51:11.920
run for the hills. Okay, they're not good at giving clarity. They don't want to feel trapped or locked

1024
00:51:11.920 --> 00:51:16.640
in. And so I just want to let you know, Pauline, without even hearing any more, I think that it

1025
00:51:16.640 --> 00:51:21.200
actually is good that you've moved on from this relationship because it doesn't sound like

1026
00:51:21.200 --> 00:51:27.360
it's a good one. It sounds like, um, while there is chemistry and by the way, you guys, chemistry

1027
00:51:27.360 --> 00:51:33.120
and your nervous system firing are the same thing. Okay. So her nervous system is definitely lit up

1028
00:51:33.120 --> 00:51:37.840
by this guy in one way, shape, or form, but he's not on the same page. And I just, I just want to

1029
00:51:37.840 --> 00:51:42.560
let you guys know something and gentlemen, gentlemen, you correct me if you think I'm wrong.

1030
00:51:43.520 --> 00:51:47.920
I know that Jason Rodriguez is on this call. He's been in the program for a long time. Jason's a

1031
00:51:47.920 --> 00:51:53.120
good guy. Ladies, if you want to meet Jason, let me know. Um, but I didn't see who else was here,

1032
00:51:53.120 --> 00:51:59.920
but let me say this ladies, if you are committed to no sex before marriage, and you let a man that

1033
00:51:59.920 --> 00:52:06.320
you're dating know that, and he wants to know how far he can go, he's not the right guy.

1034
00:52:07.200 --> 00:52:12.480
If he wants to know how far is too far, he's not the right guy. If you just told him that

1035
00:52:12.480 --> 00:52:18.480
you're committed to purity, that you want to do things God's way, and he wants to know, okay,

1036
00:52:18.480 --> 00:52:23.680
but what sexual things can we do? Look, I'm not saying these are terrible, horrible people,

1037
00:52:23.680 --> 00:52:27.760
but I am saying that this person is not protecting you. And the number one thing

1038
00:52:27.760 --> 00:52:34.400
that you want in a future husband is a man who is going to protect you. Okay.

1039
00:52:35.040 --> 00:52:40.160
Okay. So is this make, does this make the guy that Pauline's talking about a horrible ogre?

1040
00:52:40.160 --> 00:52:43.520
He's a monster. No, but you know what? He's not. He's not mature enough to be a husband.

1041
00:52:44.880 --> 00:52:49.680
He's not mature enough to be a husband because he should be the one setting the standard

1042
00:52:49.680 --> 00:52:56.080
of purity in the relationship of keeping the relationship safe for the woman that he is

1043
00:52:56.080 --> 00:53:00.480
falling in love with, making sure that she feels safe, making sure that she doesn't feel used,

1044
00:53:00.480 --> 00:53:05.280
making sure that, you know, she isn't right standing with the Lord. That is important.

1045
00:53:06.160 --> 00:53:11.360
Really, really important. Okay. Now I'm not saying that both people don't have to set the

1046
00:53:11.360 --> 00:53:16.160
boundaries. Ladies, you do have, look, I got plenty of men in my program have told me that

1047
00:53:16.160 --> 00:53:19.920
it's the woman trying to seduce them, not the other way around. So please don't think that I

1048
00:53:19.920 --> 00:53:24.720
don't know that women do that because they do. But I want to tell you, if you are setting the

1049
00:53:24.720 --> 00:53:30.720
boundary and he's trying to push it, even if it's just with his words, he's not mature enough

1050
00:53:30.720 --> 00:53:36.720
to be a husband yet. Let God make him a husband first before you make him a husband. Okay.

1051
00:53:36.720 --> 00:53:41.200
I think to be fair to him, because it's not here. I think it's just that he and I,

1052
00:53:41.200 --> 00:53:46.720
we have different understanding and standards. And so while I stated my standard, he, he,

1053
00:53:46.720 --> 00:53:50.960
he didn't force anything on me, but he's just basically stating his ground that, you know,

1054
00:53:51.440 --> 00:53:54.800
he can't accept certain things. And so that's why we broke off the first time.

1055
00:53:54.800 --> 00:53:59.200
Oh, honey, I know he didn't force you to do anything because you already told us that,

1056
00:53:59.200 --> 00:54:04.720
but he also wanted to take a pause after you set your standard. That's what I'm saying.

1057
00:54:05.360 --> 00:54:07.600
Yeah. Because it's different from his.

1058
00:54:08.400 --> 00:54:13.680
Yeah. And, and I can imagine that yours was the stricter of the two.

1059
00:54:14.400 --> 00:54:22.160
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I really do think that this relationship, while I'm sure it was exciting

1060
00:54:22.160 --> 00:54:26.880
and, you know, roller coasters are exciting. Um, it doesn't really sound that healthy.

1061
00:54:27.520 --> 00:54:31.920
And, um, if, if I was, you know, I need to hear a lot more to give you a really,

1062
00:54:31.920 --> 00:54:35.280
really good advice, but just on the surface,

1063
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:38.320
I really think that you can find someone who's more marriage minded.

1064
00:54:38.640 --> 00:54:42.080
What can I do with the remaining sense of attraction? I

1065
00:54:42.080 --> 00:54:45.760
might still feel from time to time now to help myself yet.

1066
00:54:46.880 --> 00:54:50.640
Well, you know, I mean, it's easy to feel attracted to something when there's nothing

1067
00:54:50.640 --> 00:54:57.120
else around, right? A lot of us. Yeah. Well, a lot of us romanticize something

1068
00:54:57.680 --> 00:54:59.360
that we really don't want that.

1069
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.280
much, but because we don't have anything better, it's easy to think, well, you know, it's not that

1070
00:55:05.280 --> 00:55:11.280
bad, right? It's not that bad. You know, you're at the airport, you're super hungry, it's late at

1071
00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:15.760
night, all the restaurants are closed, you're waiting for a delayed flight, and the vending

1072
00:55:15.760 --> 00:55:21.360
machine starts looking pretty delicious at that point in time. And it's not because it's delicious,

1073
00:55:21.360 --> 00:55:28.160
it's all trash. But it's because there's nothing open that has better food. And so it's a situation

1074
00:55:28.160 --> 00:55:31.040
where you're just going to have to wait a little longer till you get on the flight and you get to

1075
00:55:31.040 --> 00:55:34.640
where you're going, where you can get some good food, instead of just eating the trash, because

1076
00:55:34.640 --> 00:55:39.040
that's all that there is. And I'm not calling her guy trash that she's talking about. I'm just

1077
00:55:39.040 --> 00:55:46.000
saying, do not take something that you truly do not want that doesn't fit your non-negotiables

1078
00:55:46.000 --> 00:55:49.760
just because you don't think there's anything else available because it's just not true.

1079
00:55:52.720 --> 00:55:54.960
Got it. Thank you so much, Jackie.

1080
00:55:55.040 --> 00:56:00.800
You're welcome. Pauline, and here's the thing. The only caveat to this would be that if this man,

1081
00:56:00.800 --> 00:56:06.320
you know, and the thing is, this lady's avoidance, and what she's describing is truly an avoidant.

1082
00:56:06.320 --> 00:56:14.880
All right. Avoidance, when they don't see you, they romanticize you. And so these are the people

1083
00:56:14.880 --> 00:56:18.960
that will watch your story on social media, but they won't text back. All right. These are,

1084
00:56:18.960 --> 00:56:22.480
they want to keep tabs on you. They want to see what you're doing in case they really were missing

1085
00:56:22.480 --> 00:56:26.640
out on something wonderful. And Pauline is obviously a beautiful girl. And the bottom line

1086
00:56:26.640 --> 00:56:31.760
is, is this guy could definitely pop back up again and again and again and again. But are you going

1087
00:56:31.760 --> 00:56:36.880
to be any closer to someone who wants to really partner with you and marry you? I think it's

1088
00:56:36.880 --> 00:56:42.320
probably a waste of time. Usually these become waste of time situations. And just the fact that

1089
00:56:42.320 --> 00:56:50.080
they've made up and they broke up and made up two to three times tells you that there's something

1090
00:56:50.080 --> 00:56:59.040
that is not clicking here. So moving forward is great. Thank you. You're welcome. All right. Jane

1091
00:56:59.040 --> 00:57:10.160
Harris. It's Janie. How are you? Hi, Janie. I'm good. So, oh, my question was in regards to

1092
00:57:10.160 --> 00:57:18.800
religion. So I met Alan, we started dating on Facebook on the 26th of June, and we've been

1093
00:57:18.800 --> 00:57:24.880
exclusive. He is a Jehovah witness. And I kind of cringed when he first told me that, but he didn't,

1094
00:57:24.880 --> 00:57:29.600
he kind of backpedaled like, but I'm not baptized as one. I was like, yeah, I think there's a

1095
00:57:29.600 --> 00:57:35.760
difference here in our religion. He said, well, it's just a different interpretation of the Bible.

1096
00:57:36.560 --> 00:57:44.480
Right. But he is, after I put my list aside, he kind of checks all the boxes, marriage minded,

1097
00:57:44.480 --> 00:57:53.120
he's mature, he's intentionally seeking me. He, two of my non-negotiables were being financially

1098
00:57:53.120 --> 00:58:03.600
stable and having great teeth, which he doesn't. I know. And so, but every time we go out to eat,

1099
00:58:04.160 --> 00:58:07.520
he's even offered, I can take you and your grandkids bowling, I can do this.

1100
00:58:08.320 --> 00:58:12.240
And I asked the other day, can I pay for dinner? He's like, absolutely not.

1101
00:58:13.120 --> 00:58:17.200
So he's, although he's not financially stable, he's always paying for things,

1102
00:58:17.200 --> 00:58:25.040
paying for my groceries, paying for gas, buying me flowers, and very much pursuing me a lot and

1103
00:58:25.040 --> 00:58:30.640
more into me than I felt like initially I was into him. But the Jehovah witness thing has really got

1104
00:58:30.640 --> 00:58:37.600
me kind of, but he hasn't been to church since we met. And I asked him, I said, well, do you do the

1105
00:58:37.600 --> 00:58:42.240
door to door knocking thing? And how's that working out? He said, well, I don't really go

1106
00:58:42.240 --> 00:58:49.440
to church. I just been reading my Bible and praying to God. So he doesn't talk about his

1107
00:58:49.440 --> 00:58:55.520
religion. So is he Jehovah witness as an adult or did he just grow up Jehovah witness? He grew up

1108
00:58:55.520 --> 00:59:00.480
as a Jehovah witness. And he said he used to do that as a kid and I guess got away from it.

1109
00:59:03.280 --> 00:59:08.000
He's new to the area. He's new to Phoenix. I'm new to Phoenix like for a few months.

1110
00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:11.600
He's a new about a year and a half. And so we've seen a lot of each other.

1111
00:59:13.200 --> 00:59:18.560
Different denominations, people can make things work with different denominations of Christianity.

1112
00:59:18.560 --> 00:59:25.440
The problem is, is that there are a couple denominations that people say are Christian

1113
00:59:25.440 --> 00:59:32.640
denominations like Mormonism and Jehovah witness is one of them that they believe some very,

1114
00:59:32.640 --> 00:59:37.280
very, very different things from standard Christianity. Very, very different things.

1115
00:59:37.840 --> 00:59:43.680
I used to teach a Bible study to a woman who grew up Jehovah witness and I got to know a lot

1116
00:59:43.680 --> 00:59:48.800
about Jehovah witness, but just Jehovah witnesses, but just like Jehovah witnesses, Mormons and

1117
00:59:48.800 --> 00:59:57.120
Jehovah witnesses, it differs kind of from where you were raised, what church you went to. They

1118
00:59:57.120 --> 00:59:59.920
don't all believe the same thing. And now they do believe very,

1119
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:05.600
different things from just standard Christianity, but they don't all believe the same things

1120
01:00:05.600 --> 01:00:06.840
as each other, okay?

1121
01:00:06.840 --> 01:00:11.900
So if you go on a strict Jehovah Witness or this or that, there's all kinds of little

1122
01:00:11.900 --> 01:00:13.140
things in there.

1123
01:00:13.140 --> 01:00:19.280
But one thing that both of those churches have in common is that if you defect, just

1124
01:00:19.280 --> 01:00:24.720
kind of like Amish people, your whole family disowns you.

1125
01:00:24.720 --> 01:00:29.320
That's a big thing that happens with Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons or Church of the Latter

1126
01:00:29.320 --> 01:00:34.120
Day Saints, I should say, and also like Amish Mennonites.

1127
01:00:34.120 --> 01:00:38.800
And so the thing that you'd have to find out from him is, you know, is his family okay

1128
01:00:38.800 --> 01:00:40.540
with him not being a Jehovah Witness?

1129
01:00:40.540 --> 01:00:42.840
How close is he with his family?

1130
01:00:42.840 --> 01:00:44.560
It sounds like he's kind of in the valley decision.

1131
01:00:44.560 --> 01:00:46.160
He doesn't really know what he believes.

1132
01:00:46.160 --> 01:00:47.520
You know, he believes there's a God.

1133
01:00:47.520 --> 01:00:49.200
He reads his Bible.

1134
01:00:49.200 --> 01:00:54.080
Is it possible that he could kind of switch over to like a more mainstream faith of Christianity?

1135
01:00:54.080 --> 01:01:00.560
It sounds like possibly, but you got to make sure that this man isn't in a place where

1136
01:01:00.560 --> 01:01:06.960
if he doesn't, you know, if they think he's just a backslidden Jehovah Witness, then okay.

1137
01:01:06.960 --> 01:01:10.720
But if he actually switches to a different denomination, starts going to church with

1138
01:01:10.720 --> 01:01:15.840
youth, let's say, it's possible that he could get like disowned from his family.

1139
01:01:15.840 --> 01:01:17.480
So you need to find out things like that.

1140
01:01:17.480 --> 01:01:20.960
You guys, there's all kinds of people that were raised all different types of things

1141
01:01:20.960 --> 01:01:23.360
that they really don't practice that anymore.

1142
01:01:23.360 --> 01:01:28.800
So they're in a place where they're not really sure what to practice, but they do love God

1143
01:01:28.800 --> 01:01:31.880
and they do love Jesus, and they're trying to live a moral life.

1144
01:01:31.880 --> 01:01:34.440
All right, so.

1145
01:01:34.440 --> 01:01:40.160
And the second part of my question was, how soon is it that a person or a couple can get

1146
01:01:40.160 --> 01:01:42.160
enrolled in SIMBA?

1147
01:01:42.160 --> 01:01:47.000
SIMBAs, we don't have a timeframe for that.

1148
01:01:47.000 --> 01:01:51.400
I always say that if you're dating someone seriously, and of course, at this age, all

1149
01:01:51.440 --> 01:01:53.600
of us should be dating for mating.

1150
01:01:53.600 --> 01:01:59.320
So if you're dating someone seriously, and you want to see kind of how you line up together,

1151
01:01:59.320 --> 01:02:00.640
you can always take SIMBAs.

1152
01:02:00.640 --> 01:02:03.720
We've had people that have only been dating for three months take SIMBAs, and then we've

1153
01:02:03.720 --> 01:02:07.200
had people who are engaged about to get married the next month take SIMBAs.

1154
01:02:07.200 --> 01:02:09.640
So it just runs the gamut.

1155
01:02:09.640 --> 01:02:13.880
Okay, and it starts again soon?

1156
01:02:13.880 --> 01:02:15.160
It's ending.

1157
01:02:15.160 --> 01:02:17.680
The last session of this go-around is next week.

1158
01:02:17.680 --> 01:02:19.800
So yeah, it should start in a few weeks.

1159
01:02:19.800 --> 01:02:23.200
It does have a spirituality section, so.

1160
01:02:23.200 --> 01:02:24.200
Okay.

1161
01:02:24.200 --> 01:02:25.200
Thank you.

1162
01:02:25.200 --> 01:02:28.120
And it has a big financial section, too.

1163
01:02:28.120 --> 01:02:29.120
Cool.

1164
01:02:29.120 --> 01:02:30.120
Thank you, Jackie.

1165
01:02:30.120 --> 01:02:35.280
It doesn't have any dental section, but I love teeth.

1166
01:02:35.280 --> 01:02:36.280
I love teeth, too.

1167
01:02:36.280 --> 01:02:38.320
I'm a teeth weirdo, as well.

1168
01:02:38.320 --> 01:02:43.000
But you guys, people can fix their teeth, just so you know.

1169
01:02:43.000 --> 01:02:44.000
Okay.

1170
01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:45.000
All right.

1171
01:02:45.000 --> 01:02:46.000
Thanks.

1172
01:02:46.000 --> 01:02:47.000
All right, Janie.

1173
01:02:47.000 --> 01:02:48.000
Thank you.

1174
01:02:48.000 --> 01:02:49.000
Felicia, you're up.

1175
01:02:49.200 --> 01:02:50.200
Hi, Jackie.

1176
01:02:50.200 --> 01:02:51.200
Hi.

1177
01:02:51.200 --> 01:02:52.200
I'm reading your book.

1178
01:02:52.200 --> 01:02:53.200
It's amazing.

1179
01:02:53.200 --> 01:02:54.200
Oh, thank you.

1180
01:02:54.200 --> 01:02:55.800
I get to learn so much from it.

1181
01:02:55.800 --> 01:03:03.120
My question to you is, since Brian and I break it off, I'm not comfortable, you know, setting

1182
01:03:03.120 --> 01:03:08.640
myself aside, just in case it came back around, even though I really, really have so much,

1183
01:03:08.640 --> 01:03:09.640
you know.

1184
01:03:09.640 --> 01:03:11.880
And wait, why did you guys break it off?

1185
01:03:11.880 --> 01:03:12.880
What happened?

1186
01:03:12.880 --> 01:03:16.880
Is this where, wait, is this, let me remind myself.

1187
01:03:16.880 --> 01:03:20.880
Is this, was this a church thing, too?

1188
01:03:20.880 --> 01:03:21.880
Or no?

1189
01:03:21.880 --> 01:03:23.880
Why did you guys break up?

1190
01:03:23.880 --> 01:03:24.880
One second.

1191
01:03:24.880 --> 01:03:25.880
Somebody's calling.

1192
01:03:25.880 --> 01:03:26.880
Oh.

1193
01:03:26.880 --> 01:03:27.880
Yeah.

1194
01:03:27.880 --> 01:03:42.120
Well, he just, he had just kind of, we were talking about his game life, and I didn't

1195
01:03:42.120 --> 01:03:45.680
have a problem with him the way he did it, because he was emotionally present.

1196
01:03:45.680 --> 01:03:49.880
And he did, you know, he did, we did some great things together.

1197
01:03:49.880 --> 01:03:55.640
We just really followed, I followed the program, your program, and really checked, he checked

1198
01:03:55.640 --> 01:03:58.680
all the boxes, and he was just a great guy.

1199
01:03:58.680 --> 01:04:00.360
But I don't know what happened.

1200
01:04:00.360 --> 01:04:04.000
And then I asked him, because my friends, I told him that my friends are so valuable

1201
01:04:04.000 --> 01:04:13.320
to me, who was walking in the community with me, with him, and he, they keep asking me,

1202
01:04:13.320 --> 01:04:15.280
you know, how is Brian?

1203
01:04:15.880 --> 01:04:20.320
I didn't know what to say to them, so I asked him, and he said, he felt, he said he felt

1204
01:04:20.320 --> 01:04:29.160
like he was stuck in, he was stuck in a cycle, in a pattern, or a cycle, something like that.

1205
01:04:29.160 --> 01:04:36.840
And then the second part of it, he said, he, when I asked him if he wanted a break, he

1206
01:04:36.840 --> 01:04:38.600
always said no.

1207
01:04:38.600 --> 01:04:43.360
Why would he take a break from such treasures, you know, and something, me, that has so much

1208
01:04:43.440 --> 01:04:45.560
worth and value.

1209
01:04:45.560 --> 01:04:50.040
And then I did feel like I wanted to ask him again, like each week we check in with each

1210
01:04:50.040 --> 01:04:54.560
other, where we're going, how things are going, and that particular week I asked him, and

1211
01:04:54.560 --> 01:04:57.800
he said, he always said no, but now I'm going to say yes.

1212
01:04:57.800 --> 01:04:59.480
So we did take some time.

1213
01:04:59.480 --> 01:05:00.080
We did see each other.

1214
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.760
each other during the week, but not as much. And then he said he would have got back to

1215
01:05:04.760 --> 01:05:10.040
me and tell me what he's thinking. He did. Can I ask you why? After he said no, he didn't

1216
01:05:10.040 --> 01:05:13.840
want to take a break. You continue to ask him every week if he wanted to take a break?

1217
01:05:13.840 --> 01:05:18.840
Well, it wasn't every week. It was always depends on, you know, if he pulls away a little

1218
01:05:18.840 --> 01:05:23.800
bit, I kind of asked him, so what's going on? And he would never express himself. He's

1219
01:05:23.800 --> 01:05:28.760
not someone who talks much. He just, okay. So once again, I just wanted to, I thought

1220
01:05:28.760 --> 01:05:33.020
that that was the case. So I just want to just highlight this. Okay. So once again,

1221
01:05:33.020 --> 01:05:37.360
we have a man who's leaning avoidant. Okay. And I think that a lot of people think that

1222
01:05:37.360 --> 01:05:43.320
avoidance are people who can't do relationship and they don't, they're not in long-term relationships.

1223
01:05:43.320 --> 01:05:49.180
No, that's not true. What's true about them is that if someone starts to express any type

1224
01:05:49.180 --> 01:05:57.600
of neediness, if someone starts to, to express any type of needing clarity or, um, you know,

1225
01:05:57.600 --> 01:06:02.320
noticing their, you know, their withdrawing, you know, if, if they get called out on that,

1226
01:06:02.320 --> 01:06:05.840
like, Hey, it seems like you're different. You know, do you still love me? Or do you

1227
01:06:05.840 --> 01:06:09.600
still want to see me? Do you still want to be in relationship with me? It seems like

1228
01:06:09.600 --> 01:06:16.000
you're pulling away when that happens. That is when you will see someone who truly is

1229
01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:20.520
leaning more avoidant. You will see them actually start pulling away even more. And so that's

1230
01:06:20.520 --> 01:06:26.800
what happened here. What happened here is she noticed a change in the temperature, right?

1231
01:06:26.800 --> 01:06:31.840
She noticed that he wasn't quite the same as he was before, maybe not as engaged, maybe

1232
01:06:31.840 --> 01:06:40.080
not as, you know, whatever. And when she gently asked him about it, um, he, you know, began

1233
01:06:40.080 --> 01:06:44.560
to retreat even more to the place where he's like, yeah, you know, I need some time to

1234
01:06:44.560 --> 01:06:50.520
go do whatever. So we can't fix people that are avoidant. Um, it doesn't mean that they

1235
01:06:50.520 --> 01:06:55.740
never get married to anyone, but it does mean that they have to recognize what their triggers

1236
01:06:55.740 --> 01:07:01.140
are because they will do this in marriage as well. They will withdraw, um, their defense

1237
01:07:01.140 --> 01:07:06.620
mechanisms or self-preservation techniques are usually withdrawing emotionally, physically.

1238
01:07:06.620 --> 01:07:11.500
Um, you know, they, they don't open up about their feelings. They don't know how to be

1239
01:07:11.500 --> 01:07:15.540
vulnerable and that's not someone you want to be married to.

1240
01:07:15.540 --> 01:07:20.260
That's so true. Yeah, exactly. That's, you know, like I said, a great guy, but he had

1241
01:07:20.260 --> 01:07:25.140
those little patterns when, um, when I would see him, that's when I said, okay, you can,

1242
01:07:25.140 --> 01:07:31.140
you can take the break. And then the following Saturday he, I am approachable. So I said,

1243
01:07:31.140 --> 01:07:37.780
we need to talk about this because my, I need to know what you're doing. And he just, he

1244
01:07:37.780 --> 01:07:42.900
just quickly said, I think we need to end it. And I'm like, really? Like what happened?

1245
01:07:42.900 --> 01:07:48.180
And he said, he just, and he did, then he just got cold. Like the sweet guy just got,

1246
01:07:48.180 --> 01:07:54.620
even though he said, end it, he just got cold. And that was what really disturbed me is the

1247
01:07:54.700 --> 01:08:01.020
sweet person, kind person who kind of trained my heart to take a step into knowing him. Each

1248
01:08:01.020 --> 01:08:07.100
step I take, he just got cold. And because, because he's, because he's in a fear response.

1249
01:08:08.540 --> 01:08:13.500
And so that's what you need to understand. Now that isn't, that's not to romanticize his

1250
01:08:13.500 --> 01:08:18.060
behavior and to make you think, oh, you know, poor thing. Um, it's not at all, but it's to

1251
01:08:18.060 --> 01:08:24.540
tell you that he got cold because, um, that that's a fear response. So when avoidance pull

1252
01:08:24.540 --> 01:08:28.859
away, it's because they're afraid they're afraid of being controlled. They're afraid of being hurt.

1253
01:08:28.859 --> 01:08:34.380
They're afraid of being abandoned. Um, and so they, they abandoned first, they control first,

1254
01:08:34.380 --> 01:08:39.979
they pull away first. And so, um, but that's why he got cold because he was able to completely

1255
01:08:39.979 --> 01:08:45.340
shut down any and all connection with you. And that's really, what's dangerous about avoidance

1256
01:08:45.340 --> 01:08:50.939
because they can really compartmentalize their feelings as a self-preservation technique. And

1257
01:08:50.939 --> 01:08:57.500
you definitely don't want to be with someone who can, you know, pull away at the drop of a hat,

1258
01:08:57.500 --> 01:09:02.220
especially being married to them. Oh yeah. It's it's, yeah, I could see that.

1259
01:09:02.220 --> 01:09:07.260
And then the second thing he said, he don't think we were communicating, communicating effectively,

1260
01:09:07.260 --> 01:09:11.340
which was surprising to me because that's one of the things that he was so attractive to

1261
01:09:11.819 --> 01:09:17.899
about me that we, he doesn't speak up a lot, but I approached him because I'm in a coaching. So I

1262
01:09:17.899 --> 01:09:22.140
approached things. And, and then the third thing he said, we were not compatible. He don't think

1263
01:09:22.140 --> 01:09:27.500
we were compatible. Well, of course, because when you're going to pull away, you got to pick a fight

1264
01:09:27.500 --> 01:09:33.260
with what you're pulling away from. You have to make it, you have to give a reason for why. And,

1265
01:09:33.260 --> 01:09:37.740
and, and ladies and gentlemen, that's another, um, that's another thing that avoidance do.

1266
01:09:37.740 --> 01:09:42.380
And that is that they nitpick, they find, they find things wrong that didn't have to be, that

1267
01:09:42.380 --> 01:09:46.700
didn't use to be wrong in the relationship. They, they start saying, oh, well, I never liked this

1268
01:09:46.700 --> 01:09:51.899
about you, or this always bothered me. Um, and the reason why they say that is because they need to

1269
01:09:51.899 --> 01:09:57.420
give a reason so that things, you know, can just end and be over with. And so, um, so it's time

1270
01:09:57.420 --> 01:09:59.820
to move forward, Felicia. So here's a good thing that you.

1271
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.720
you know, there's always a one before the one. And it's exciting that you got, um, you know,

1272
01:10:04.720 --> 01:10:10.880
some really good, uh, experience inside of this relationship, getting to know someone,

1273
01:10:10.880 --> 01:10:14.240
you know, knowing what to look for. And so onward and upward.

1274
01:10:14.960 --> 01:10:19.040
Yeah. So I'm ready to move on now and to talk with other people. And I'm asking,

1275
01:10:19.600 --> 01:10:23.120
is this coming from a healthy place? And also I want to say one more thing.

1276
01:10:23.680 --> 01:10:24.160
Sure.

1277
01:10:24.160 --> 01:10:29.680
So he's very sarcastic. And I always said to him, you never have an answer. You always said,

1278
01:10:30.160 --> 01:10:36.640
perhaps. And I said, that's going to be a problem. And I real, I wanted to find out from you when

1279
01:10:36.640 --> 01:10:42.240
somebody is very sarcastic. What? Cause I heard that he can make someone heart very cold and it

1280
01:10:42.240 --> 01:10:48.400
does make them show up as themselves. And also I'm ready to move on and I'm excited to find,

1281
01:10:48.400 --> 01:10:53.280
you know, I opened my app again and I'm saying hi to people, people saying hi to me.

1282
01:10:53.280 --> 01:10:59.600
Is that coming from a healthy place or I'm just trying to feed back into what

1283
01:11:00.240 --> 01:11:03.680
he, you know, we, we had when we were in that relationship.

1284
01:11:04.240 --> 01:11:08.080
I don't think so. I mean, you, you know, you got to know someone, they're not the one,

1285
01:11:08.080 --> 01:11:12.560
you know, you're in a marriage minded season. So you're moving forward. I mean, it's okay to

1286
01:11:12.560 --> 01:11:16.320
grieve, disagree, grieve and to disagree, to grieve something, not being what you thought

1287
01:11:16.320 --> 01:11:20.880
it was and to be disappointed. It's okay to do that. Um, but you know, you weren't in a

1288
01:11:20.880 --> 01:11:24.400
relationship with this person for a long period of time. It doesn't sound like they ever really

1289
01:11:24.400 --> 01:11:30.320
let you in. And so, um, I think it's good that you didn't become more anxious and more kind of

1290
01:11:30.320 --> 01:11:35.040
clinging onto this and trying to make it work and trying to be whatever this person wanted you to

1291
01:11:35.040 --> 01:11:39.760
be. Um, I like that you stood your ground. I liked that you continue to ask questions. I like that

1292
01:11:39.760 --> 01:11:46.160
you continue to confront what was in the room with you. Sarcasm, you guys is on my self-preservation

1293
01:11:46.160 --> 01:11:51.040
technique. If you guys want to revisit the heartwork, um, it is a self-preservation technique

1294
01:11:51.040 --> 01:11:56.720
or self-defense mechanism. If you like that language better, um, people that are overly

1295
01:11:56.720 --> 01:12:02.400
sarcastic or people who are very guarded, they're guarded, they're people who it can be actually a

1296
01:12:02.400 --> 01:12:07.680
form of being passive aggressive. Um, I don't like it. I don't like most of the people I know

1297
01:12:07.680 --> 01:12:13.440
that are really sarcastic are also, you know, just kind of jerks, um, women and men, you know,

1298
01:12:13.440 --> 01:12:18.080
they make fun of people, you know, they have a tendency to just be, and I'm not talking about

1299
01:12:18.080 --> 01:12:24.560
dry humor. I'm talking about true sarcasm. True sarcasm is harsh and it's biting. True sarcasm

1300
01:12:24.560 --> 01:12:30.240
is meant to make people feel small. And so, um, so there's a difference between sarcastic kind

1301
01:12:30.240 --> 01:12:37.840
of dry humor and sarcasm. Sarcasm is, is meant to make someone feel stupid. Okay. And so that is,

1302
01:12:37.840 --> 01:12:43.040
that is definitely a no for me. Yeah, he was sarcastic. He would say things and they were

1303
01:12:43.040 --> 01:12:51.520
all true, but I didn't take them back. So honey, I'm glad that you learned some good things. You

1304
01:12:51.520 --> 01:12:56.560
saw some things now she can add some things to her non-negotiables and she can move forward.

1305
01:12:56.560 --> 01:13:01.680
Yes. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. We have one more Felicia and then I have to end

1306
01:13:01.680 --> 01:13:07.200
you guys. I have a hard stop. So Felicia, what do you got? I'm sorry. Not Felicia Camille. Sorry,

1307
01:13:07.600 --> 01:13:14.240
Camille. Don't forget. I just want to make two more announcements. Um, Austin retreat for those

1308
01:13:14.240 --> 01:13:17.760
of you that are asking, it's going to be in the fall. So we have an Austin, we have something

1309
01:13:17.760 --> 01:13:24.000
called, uh, Austin city limits. It's a huge music conference and this whole town is just overrun by

1310
01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:28.080
people during that timeframe. So we'll, we're gonna avoid that. So it's either going to be

1311
01:13:28.080 --> 01:13:33.280
an early October, early November. We'll let you guys know. Um, but that's going to have a very

1312
01:13:33.280 --> 01:13:38.560
limited space, but the conference itself will not. So that'll be, that'll be open to a lot

1313
01:13:38.560 --> 01:13:44.960
more people, but the actual retreat itself will be, I think maybe less than 15 people.

1314
01:13:44.960 --> 01:13:49.360
Um, but we'll be putting that out. And of course you guys will have first dibs before it ever goes

1315
01:13:49.360 --> 01:13:54.080
out to the public. If we can't sell all the spots within the com within our community, which we

1316
01:13:54.080 --> 01:14:00.560
should be able to, um, then we'll, we'll go outward. And, uh, I think that it's a co-ed

1317
01:14:00.560 --> 01:14:03.680
retreat. I don't think that it's just women. I think it's men and women. That's the first time

1318
01:14:03.680 --> 01:14:11.600
we've ever done that. So that's going to be cool. Um, and then also, um, my books are open. You

1319
01:14:11.600 --> 01:14:16.560
guys should be receiving an email about that. So I have a few coaching slots available for one-on-one

1320
01:14:16.560 --> 01:14:21.840
if you've ever wanted to do that with me, this is now, this is a time definitely email in about that

1321
01:14:21.840 --> 01:14:31.120
ASAP, if you're interested. And there was one more thing. Um, oh, our, we we're working on

1322
01:14:31.120 --> 01:14:38.560
releasing the first phase of our, uh, new last year, single app. So the app that you guys know

1323
01:14:38.560 --> 01:14:43.280
and love is going to be going bye-byes and the new one is going to be available. And the good

1324
01:14:43.280 --> 01:14:47.440
news is not only going to have your curriculum and your coaching and your replays and all the

1325
01:14:47.440 --> 01:14:51.360
good things that you've come to know and love, but it also will have the ability to act as a

1326
01:14:51.360 --> 01:14:57.200
community-based dating app, um, a community-based matchmaking app, I should say, where you get to

1327
01:14:57.200 --> 01:14:59.840
play matchmaker, where you get to be your own matchmaker.

1328
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.480
where you get to really interact with each other

1329
01:15:03.480 --> 01:15:06.120
and with a lot of people in our ecosystem,

1330
01:15:06.120 --> 01:15:08.320
because our ecosystem is pretty large.

1331
01:15:08.320 --> 01:15:09.760
Not just the people in this program,

1332
01:15:09.760 --> 01:15:12.400
but people that are connected to success stories

1333
01:15:12.400 --> 01:15:14.040
in this program and people that are connected

1334
01:15:14.040 --> 01:15:17.520
to other people that we affiliate with in different things.

1335
01:15:17.520 --> 01:15:20.200
Just a huge group of men and women that are single,

1336
01:15:20.200 --> 01:15:23.920
that are also Christians and kingdom-minded people,

1337
01:15:23.920 --> 01:15:25.160
and it's gonna be great.

1338
01:15:25.160 --> 01:15:26.440
I'm very excited about it.

1339
01:15:26.440 --> 01:15:28.560
All right, Camille, you're up,

1340
01:15:28.560 --> 01:15:33.480
and then Camilla, you're up, and then we gotta go.

1341
01:15:33.480 --> 01:15:34.320
Go ahead.

1342
01:15:36.720 --> 01:15:38.320
Hi, hi, Jackie.

1343
01:15:39.440 --> 01:15:41.400
I'm just looking after my granddaughter,

1344
01:15:41.400 --> 01:15:44.920
so I'm gonna say this as quick as I can before she started.

1345
01:15:44.920 --> 01:15:46.240
Okay, go ahead, yes.

1346
01:15:46.240 --> 01:15:51.240
I went on a meetup with someone that I met on a dating app,

1347
01:15:51.600 --> 01:15:56.600
and when I got there, he was already sitting down

1348
01:15:57.000 --> 01:15:58.280
with a glass of water,

1349
01:15:59.760 --> 01:16:03.000
so then I just didn't really feel like going

1350
01:16:03.000 --> 01:16:08.000
and ordering anything, so we did talk, and then-

1351
01:16:10.000 --> 01:16:12.480
Okay, so he had you meet him at a restaurant

1352
01:16:12.480 --> 01:16:14.160
or a coffee shop, and when you got there,

1353
01:16:14.160 --> 01:16:16.480
he was already sitting down with a glass of water.

1354
01:16:16.480 --> 01:16:18.440
Right, at a coffee shop.

1355
01:16:18.440 --> 01:16:20.520
Did he order any coffee?

1356
01:16:20.520 --> 01:16:21.440
No.

1357
01:16:21.440 --> 01:16:23.880
Okay, so basically what he was saying was,

1358
01:16:23.880 --> 01:16:26.160
I'm not drinking any coffee, I met you here

1359
01:16:26.720 --> 01:16:28.640
because it's the lowest possible stakes I could have,

1360
01:16:28.640 --> 01:16:31.200
and I'm not gonna buy your coffee either.

1361
01:16:31.200 --> 01:16:34.600
Right, and it was near where he lives.

1362
01:16:34.600 --> 01:16:37.360
Yeah, I mean, for me, that's already a no.

1363
01:16:38.200 --> 01:16:41.160
That's what I thought, that was,

1364
01:16:41.160 --> 01:16:42.800
because that's what you had talked about

1365
01:16:42.800 --> 01:16:46.480
in the heart work in one of the videos,

1366
01:16:47.880 --> 01:16:52.200
that if he's not willing to buy you, yeah, order for you.

1367
01:16:52.200 --> 01:16:55.200
It's not even about buying the cup of coffee,

1368
01:16:55.280 --> 01:16:58.880
it's about, if you invite someone to come somewhere,

1369
01:16:58.880 --> 01:17:00.160
you should at least offer,

1370
01:17:00.160 --> 01:17:01.600
even if you're not drinking coffee,

1371
01:17:01.600 --> 01:17:03.480
to buy their cup of coffee,

1372
01:17:03.480 --> 01:17:05.800
and the fact that he was already sitting down

1373
01:17:05.800 --> 01:17:09.040
and already got his, so that you'd be forced

1374
01:17:09.040 --> 01:17:10.680
to go up and get your own,

1375
01:17:10.680 --> 01:17:12.640
to me, that's not someone who actually

1376
01:17:12.640 --> 01:17:14.760
is really that interested in meeting up with you

1377
01:17:14.760 --> 01:17:18.360
or really that interested in what this could possibly be.

1378
01:17:19.280 --> 01:17:23.000
I mean, cup of coffee nowadays is what, $4.50?

1379
01:17:23.000 --> 01:17:24.200
I mean, get over it.

1380
01:17:26.200 --> 01:17:27.760
So how did the conversation go?

1381
01:17:27.760 --> 01:17:28.960
Should we even ask?

1382
01:17:31.440 --> 01:17:36.440
Yeah, it was mainly about him, himself, yeah.

1383
01:17:38.720 --> 01:17:40.400
Did any of the part about himself

1384
01:17:40.400 --> 01:17:42.000
include why he was too cheap

1385
01:17:42.000 --> 01:17:44.800
to buy a $4.50 cup of coffee?

1386
01:17:44.800 --> 01:17:45.640
Right, yeah.

1387
01:17:45.640 --> 01:17:47.080
I'm just curious.

1388
01:17:47.080 --> 01:17:52.080
Yeah, no, he just said he just felt like having water.

1389
01:17:53.080 --> 01:17:57.040
Yeah, but I did feel like,

1390
01:17:57.960 --> 01:18:00.520
I was trying to be open-minded,

1391
01:18:00.520 --> 01:18:03.800
but afterwards, yeah, I just felt like it was a,

1392
01:18:05.800 --> 01:18:10.800
that was a turn off or whatever, right away.

1393
01:18:11.440 --> 01:18:13.120
Okay, so gentlemen, we're not beating up

1394
01:18:13.120 --> 01:18:15.920
on you guys tonight because if a woman does this,

1395
01:18:15.920 --> 01:18:19.040
then same thing, what I'm about to say.

1396
01:18:19.040 --> 01:18:20.600
But if you guys show up to a date

1397
01:18:20.600 --> 01:18:23.240
and the guy is like,

1398
01:18:23.240 --> 01:18:27.920
the whole date is just one big, long podcast about him,

1399
01:18:28.760 --> 01:18:32.080
okay, you just showed up to his TED Talk

1400
01:18:32.080 --> 01:18:33.920
and all he's doing is just talking about himself

1401
01:18:33.920 --> 01:18:36.000
the entire time, doesn't ask any questions about you,

1402
01:18:36.000 --> 01:18:37.320
not interested in getting to know you,

1403
01:18:37.320 --> 01:18:39.120
just wants to tell you all about himself

1404
01:18:39.120 --> 01:18:40.960
like you're on his fricking podcast,

1405
01:18:40.960 --> 01:18:43.240
then you give him one more chance

1406
01:18:43.240 --> 01:18:45.720
because sometimes nervous people talk too much.

1407
01:18:46.600 --> 01:18:48.480
But if he does that the second time,

1408
01:18:48.480 --> 01:18:51.280
this is just someone who just is full,

1409
01:18:51.280 --> 01:18:53.720
you know, just wants to hear themselves talk.

1410
01:18:53.720 --> 01:18:55.640
They're lonely, they don't have anyone to talk to

1411
01:18:55.640 --> 01:18:57.160
because they probably don't have any friends or family

1412
01:18:57.160 --> 01:18:58.360
or anything going for them.

1413
01:18:58.360 --> 01:18:59.320
And you know what?

1414
01:18:59.320 --> 01:19:01.080
You're not gonna be the one that's gonna sit there

1415
01:19:01.080 --> 01:19:02.640
and just listen to them yap away.

1416
01:19:02.640 --> 01:19:04.200
And same thing for you guys.

1417
01:19:04.200 --> 01:19:05.520
If you show up to a date

1418
01:19:05.520 --> 01:19:10.280
and all this woman wants to talk about is me, me, me, me,

1419
01:19:10.280 --> 01:19:12.200
then it's a no, okay?

1420
01:19:12.200 --> 01:19:14.120
People need to be genuinely interested

1421
01:19:14.120 --> 01:19:15.240
in getting to know you.

1422
01:19:15.240 --> 01:19:16.320
That's why we're on a date.

1423
01:19:16.320 --> 01:19:17.480
We already know ourselves.

1424
01:19:17.480 --> 01:19:19.000
We're not trying to get to know ourselves.

1425
01:19:19.000 --> 01:19:21.720
We're trying to get to know you, all right?

1426
01:19:21.720 --> 01:19:22.840
I need to be interested in you.

1427
01:19:22.840 --> 01:19:25.360
Dale Carnegie, how to win friends and influence people.

1428
01:19:25.360 --> 01:19:29.080
The very first thing he says is be interested in people,

1429
01:19:29.080 --> 01:19:31.360
be interested in them, get to know them,

1430
01:19:31.360 --> 01:19:32.880
ask them about themselves.

1431
01:19:32.880 --> 01:19:34.920
The quickest way to win anyone over y'all

1432
01:19:34.920 --> 01:19:36.680
is to ask them about themselves,

1433
01:19:37.680 --> 01:19:41.160
to ask them to tell you about themselves.

1434
01:19:41.160 --> 01:19:43.880
And so people should be doing that on these dates.

1435
01:19:43.880 --> 01:19:46.360
They should want to get to know you.

1436
01:19:46.680 --> 01:19:48.400
They should tell you something about themselves,

1437
01:19:48.400 --> 01:19:51.720
but they should say then enough about me, tell me about you.

1438
01:19:51.720 --> 01:19:53.920
That is a mature communicator.

1439
01:19:55.280 --> 01:19:57.000
That is what we want.

1440
01:19:57.000 --> 01:19:59.360
And I know y'all are afraid like, oh my gosh,

1441
01:19:59.360 --> 01:20:00.200
all men talk.

1442
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.400
talk about themselves nonstop,

1443
01:20:02.400 --> 01:20:04.820
or talk about whatever it is that they wanna talk about.

1444
01:20:04.820 --> 01:20:06.300
So how am I even gonna get a date

1445
01:20:06.300 --> 01:20:11.300
if I put this law into, or this rule into play?

1446
01:20:11.440 --> 01:20:14.740
There are people who know how to have a conversation.

1447
01:20:14.740 --> 01:20:16.960
I say something, then you say something,

1448
01:20:16.960 --> 01:20:20.200
and then I say something, and then you say something.

1449
01:20:20.200 --> 01:20:22.840
That's the way it works, okay?

1450
01:20:24.560 --> 01:20:26.420
Seriously, that's the way it works.

1451
01:20:26.420 --> 01:20:29.060
And by this age, we should know how it works.

1452
01:20:30.820 --> 01:20:32.620
All right, no yappers.

1453
01:20:34.480 --> 01:20:36.020
No yappers, okay.

1454
01:20:38.620 --> 01:20:39.760
This whole money thing,

1455
01:20:39.760 --> 01:20:41.600
I wanna say this thing before we end.

1456
01:20:43.360 --> 01:20:45.560
I have been helping way too many women

1457
01:20:45.560 --> 01:20:46.860
get out of relationships

1458
01:20:46.860 --> 01:20:49.160
where they are being financially abused.

1459
01:20:49.160 --> 01:20:50.320
They need to get out.

1460
01:20:50.320 --> 01:20:52.880
They're not just getting out because of financial abuse,

1461
01:20:52.880 --> 01:20:54.840
but that's the reason why they can't get out.

1462
01:20:54.840 --> 01:20:56.160
And some of you have this story.

1463
01:20:56.160 --> 01:20:58.060
You stayed married way longer than you should have

1464
01:20:58.060 --> 01:20:59.440
because you were a stay-at-home mom

1465
01:20:59.880 --> 01:21:00.720
or whatever, whatever.

1466
01:21:00.720 --> 01:21:02.560
You didn't have the income to leave.

1467
01:21:03.600 --> 01:21:06.600
Ladies, don't find yourself in this kind of situation.

1468
01:21:06.600 --> 01:21:08.800
And one of the ways that you're gonna not find yourself

1469
01:21:08.800 --> 01:21:10.360
in this situation is you're gonna make sure

1470
01:21:10.360 --> 01:21:12.240
that you get your money in order

1471
01:21:12.240 --> 01:21:15.340
before you get out in these dating streets.

1472
01:21:15.340 --> 01:21:17.640
A man should never be your financial plan.

1473
01:21:18.640 --> 01:21:22.480
Not for retirement, not for a second income,

1474
01:21:23.720 --> 01:21:25.800
not for a dinner, not for anything.

1475
01:21:25.800 --> 01:21:28.120
A man should not be a financial plan.

1476
01:21:28.160 --> 01:21:31.200
If you show up to a date and God forbid,

1477
01:21:31.200 --> 01:21:34.400
this man decides that he wants to go 50-50

1478
01:21:34.400 --> 01:21:36.260
or he doesn't wanna pay for your food,

1479
01:21:36.260 --> 01:21:39.240
you better have money to pay for your own food.

1480
01:21:39.240 --> 01:21:41.120
Yeah, that's not very chivalrous

1481
01:21:41.120 --> 01:21:43.220
and you're probably not gonna go out with him again,

1482
01:21:43.220 --> 01:21:46.560
but you need to be able to pay for your own food

1483
01:21:46.560 --> 01:21:48.080
before you go on a date.

1484
01:21:49.020 --> 01:21:52.540
Do not ever accept a date anywhere to any restaurant

1485
01:21:52.540 --> 01:21:55.720
if you know that you can't cover your half of the bill,

1486
01:21:55.720 --> 01:21:57.200
just in case you need to.

1487
01:21:58.400 --> 01:21:59.960
Okay?

1488
01:21:59.960 --> 01:22:01.480
Men are not financial plans.

1489
01:22:01.480 --> 01:22:03.940
We do not live in the year 1910.

1490
01:22:05.680 --> 01:22:07.800
This is not your key to a better future.

1491
01:22:09.440 --> 01:22:10.960
You gotta get your own money in order.

1492
01:22:10.960 --> 01:22:12.400
You gotta get your own debt in order.

1493
01:22:12.400 --> 01:22:16.960
Gentlemen, if you ask a lady on a date,

1494
01:22:16.960 --> 01:22:19.440
then you need to pay for her, okay?

1495
01:22:19.440 --> 01:22:23.240
If you can't afford to go somewhere really swanky, don't.

1496
01:22:23.240 --> 01:22:24.480
I don't even like swanky dates.

1497
01:22:24.480 --> 01:22:25.980
I don't think people should do that

1498
01:22:25.980 --> 01:22:28.220
on first, second, third, fourth, fifth dates.

1499
01:22:28.220 --> 01:22:29.460
I don't think it should be about

1500
01:22:29.460 --> 01:22:32.040
transactional things like that.

1501
01:22:32.040 --> 01:22:34.460
I think it should be about getting to know that person.

1502
01:22:34.460 --> 01:22:37.660
So when you're asking yourself, where should I take my date?

1503
01:22:37.660 --> 01:22:39.460
The very first question you should say,

1504
01:22:39.460 --> 01:22:41.380
where can we really talk?

1505
01:22:41.380 --> 01:22:42.980
Some of these restaurants are so loud,

1506
01:22:42.980 --> 01:22:45.680
you can't even hear yourself think, let alone talk.

1507
01:22:47.660 --> 01:22:48.960
They're so loud.

1508
01:22:50.200 --> 01:22:53.540
Take my poor little 86-year-old father-in-law

1509
01:22:53.540 --> 01:22:55.660
out to lunch after church,

1510
01:22:55.660 --> 01:22:57.940
and he can't even hear anything any of us are saying to him

1511
01:22:57.940 --> 01:23:00.100
because it's so loud in these restaurants.

1512
01:23:00.100 --> 01:23:01.780
Where can we talk?

1513
01:23:01.780 --> 01:23:03.380
Where can we get to know each other?

1514
01:23:03.380 --> 01:23:06.660
The most important aspect of dates one, two, three,

1515
01:23:06.660 --> 01:23:09.740
four, five are communicating.

1516
01:23:10.860 --> 01:23:14.140
So ask yourself, where can we communicate best and go there?

1517
01:23:16.060 --> 01:23:18.420
And gentlemen, if she doesn't want to do a walk

1518
01:23:18.420 --> 01:23:23.000
or a coffee for a first date, she's probably not the one.

1519
01:23:23.000 --> 01:23:25.840
If she says stuff like, I only accept drink dates,

1520
01:23:25.840 --> 01:23:27.600
I only accept dinner dates,

1521
01:23:27.600 --> 01:23:29.600
bye, Felicia, and no offense to Felicia,

1522
01:23:29.600 --> 01:23:31.120
I forgot we have a Felicia here.

1523
01:23:31.120 --> 01:23:33.640
Felicia, you're not the one we're saying goodbye to.

1524
01:23:33.640 --> 01:23:38.640
That's from a movie from the 90s, a good movie.

1525
01:23:39.960 --> 01:23:41.160
Well, actually, it's probably not.

1526
01:23:41.160 --> 01:23:42.820
I probably wasn't safe when I saw that movie,

1527
01:23:42.820 --> 01:23:44.360
so forget everything I said.

1528
01:23:44.360 --> 01:23:47.240
All right, but here's what I want to say.

1529
01:23:47.240 --> 01:23:52.240
If she only accepts dinner dates, then she's transactional,

1530
01:23:52.560 --> 01:23:55.160
and you don't want a woman like that.

1531
01:23:55.160 --> 01:23:57.680
You want a woman who wants to get to know you,

1532
01:23:57.680 --> 01:24:00.280
not a woman who wants to know how much money you have

1533
01:24:00.280 --> 01:24:03.060
or how much money you're willing to spend on her.

1534
01:24:03.060 --> 01:24:04.160
That's no good.

1535
01:24:04.160 --> 01:24:07.200
All right, all right, you guys, we have fun as always.

1536
01:24:07.200 --> 01:24:10.280
Oh, oh, I forgot, here's my next announcement.

1537
01:24:10.280 --> 01:24:12.000
I am doing a fall book club.

1538
01:24:12.000 --> 01:24:13.200
It's going to start on August.

1539
01:24:13.200 --> 01:24:16.080
You guys, you can believe fall is almost here now?

1540
01:24:16.080 --> 01:24:18.320
Can you believe we're like six weeks away from fall,

1541
01:24:18.320 --> 01:24:19.440
six and a half weeks?

1542
01:24:19.440 --> 01:24:22.120
Okay, so I'm gonna start the book club on August 18th,

1543
01:24:22.960 --> 01:24:25.960
and it's gonna end on the first day of fall, September 22nd.

1544
01:24:25.960 --> 01:24:27.160
It will be five weeks long.

1545
01:24:27.160 --> 01:24:29.280
It will be five weeks of coaching with me.

1546
01:24:29.280 --> 01:24:30.640
If you want to do the book club this summer,

1547
01:24:30.640 --> 01:24:33.720
but you are too busy, this is the one for you.

1548
01:24:33.720 --> 01:24:37.720
We're gonna go ahead and start putting out the APB for that.

1549
01:24:37.720 --> 01:24:39.360
So if you want to get signed up for that,

1550
01:24:39.360 --> 01:24:40.840
get signed up for that.

1551
01:24:40.840 --> 01:24:42.120
Cheryl, I'll give you the new link.

1552
01:24:42.120 --> 01:24:44.600
You can put it in the resource page of the groups

1553
01:24:44.600 --> 01:24:46.800
and watch your emails for all these fun,

1554
01:24:46.800 --> 01:24:49.320
exciting announcements, and we'll see you all.

1555
01:24:49.320 --> 01:24:51.020
You guys have a really good Supernatural Saturday.

1556
01:24:51.580 --> 01:24:52.900
You better get there.

1557
01:24:52.900 --> 01:24:54.540
It's gonna be a real good one.

1558
01:24:54.540 --> 01:24:55.860
It's gonna be a life-changing one,

1559
01:24:55.860 --> 01:24:57.780
and I know that they're all really good.

1560
01:24:57.780 --> 01:25:00.180
Trust me, they're Supernatural for me as well.

1561
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.780
but this one is gonna be a real good one.

1562
01:25:03.780 --> 01:25:05.720
So if you can be there live, try to be there live.

1563
01:25:05.720 --> 01:25:06.560
I'll see you soon.

1564
01:25:06.560 --> 01:25:07.380
Bye.