Alright, hey everybody, welcome to our Ask Jackie Modern Dating Sucks Hybrid.
We've been doing this every single month.
I hope you've been enjoying it, especially if you weren't able to take advantage of any
of those summer book clubs.
They were phenomenal, I will say that.
If you were in the book club and you loved it, go ahead and just throw up some hearts
in the chat, let people know that it was a really good time and you learned a lot.
And I do have a lot to say about that, but I'm not going to say it right now.
So lots of hearts going up, love it, love seeing all of you.
I hope that you are dating differently now.
I hope that you see dating differently now.
I think a lot of people dread dating, and for good reason, because we're not naturally
inclined to date the way that we date in the year 2026.
It's just about a hundred years old, the way that we date.
And when I say a hundred years old, I'm talking about not dating within family communities.
That was the original type of dating and they called it courting.
And that was the way it was done back in the olden days.
Back before that, there were arranged marriages.
Now, there are some pros to not having your marriage arranged for you, y'all, okay?
Back then, ladies, especially you, you were kind of considered a little bit of property
by your family.
The arrangements that were made for you were to benefit everyone, not just you.
And so marrying for love, you guys, is only kind of about a century old.
Did you know that?
Meaning like falling in love before you make a decision to marry this person.
That's not that old.
That's not something that people were encouraged to do.
That's not something that people did.
Marriage was almost a duty.
It was an obligation.
You did it to further the family line.
You did it for lineage.
You did it for legacy.
You did it for property.
A lot of times, alliances were born out of arranged marriages.
And then even courtships, even when I think you could turn down the suitor.
But if it was a good suitor, I think your family would really encourage you to say yes.
If they had a good reputation, if they were able to take care of you, if they were able
to afford a family, if it was going to benefit the community, I think a lot of times you
would be encouraged.
And you would want to say yes, simply because you would want to do what's right for your
family.
Does that make sense?
It wouldn't all be about you.
And now all of a sudden, friends, marriage has become all about us.
It's all about, what do I want?
What do I like?
6'2", blonde hair, blue eyes, boat.
Yes.
Yeah, that sounds good.
I used to actually like blonde guys, you guys, and I married a brunette.
So when I was a kid, I was very attracted to blondes.
And the reason why was because my brother, my older brother, was blonde.
And so I was around this athletic, tan, blonde, California boy my whole childhood, okay?
Blonde hair, blue eyes.
And then I got the brown hair and brown eyes.
Why is this fair?
And then also nothing wrong with brown hair and brown eyes.
Do not write me a letter, okay?
But also he got the long eyelashes.
Why does he need those?
He doesn't need those, seriously.
Why?
Tell me.
He got the perfectly straight teeth without any braces.
Tell me why the men always get the best traits.
Even my little grandson, they're twins, and he's got the longest eyelashes.
And I'm like, what is happening here?
What is going on with this?
Anyway, I digress.
Nowadays, we're like, it's all about me.
It's about my preferences.
It's about what I like.
It's about what I'm attracted to, right?
And you guys, that's very new.
And guess what?
I don't think it's working out for us too much.
I don't think that it's really working out.
I'm at my daughter's house, and I'm looking in her fridge to see if she has a water.
Because I need some water.
But she doesn't.
If you're just joining us, welcome to Ask Jackie.
Modern dating sucks.
I am not at my house.
I'm not in my studio.
I'm at my daughter's house, and she's not here.
So I'm just pilfering through her house, looking for things, specifically water.
But we're talking about how the way that we date and the way that we approach our love
lives is very different than it was less than 100 years ago.
There's no water in this house.
No wonder these kids are dehydrated.
Seriously, there is water in the tap.
I ain't drinking that.
I've been marked safe from tap water for at least 20 years.
I'll be drinking tap water, all right.
I don't know what it is.
I actually may have to, you guys,
because I really need some water.
So anyway, a little bit of tap water
is not going to kill me, right?
Right?
Let's hope not.
All right.
All right, so the reason why this is pertinent
to our coaching tonight is because I want to talk
about the fantasy culture that we have found ourselves in.
This is where I really felt God was putting on my heart.
And then I'm going to go ahead and take some Q&A.
So get your Q&A ready.
You guys, fantasy culture has become a huge problem.
I'm not just talking about pornography.
I'm not talking about the movies and the television shows
and all the way back to in the eighties,
the posters on your wall of some celebrity crush
or some music artist.
I'm talking about the fact that we have been completely
overwhelmed, absorbed by the fantasy
of what love should feel like, look like,
what marriage should be like, look like,
what we're attracted to, who we're attracted to
for a long time now.
It used to be that if you had a fantasy,
and when I say fantasy, you guys, I don't mean sexual, okay?
I just mean like a fantasy, you know, about love,
romanticizing life.
It used to be that if you had a fantasy,
it would have been about someone who you actually knew.
And we called that a crush.
Remember that?
It was about someone, a human being,
a flesh and blood human being that was in proximity to you.
And now friends, our desires, our wants,
our attractions have been shaped for decades by fake people.
And the reason why I say fake people
is because they're characters in shows.
That's not who that person really is.
They're playing a part in a movie, in a television show,
on a talk show, because, you know,
they're trying to give the public what they want.
You're seeing through a rose colored glass
these people's lives and what they look like.
And if you guys follow me on Instagram,
you see that I totally roasted this new trend.
If you don't like hot takes,
you should not follow me on Instagram, okay?
All right?
I don't know any other way to be.
So please don't follow me there
because I'm gonna tell you exactly what I think.
And I could be wrong,
but I'm still gonna tell you what I think.
And there's this trend where these brooding men,
you know what a brooding man is?
He's got the smolder, he's got the smolder look.
He's got the sexy smolder look, right?
And he's dressed impeccably,
and he's got a sexy, sexy, sexy, sexy,
impeccably.
His clothes are perfect.
His hair is perfect.
His skin is perfect.
He's fit.
He's got a little bit of a vice of a, what's it called?
What are these called?
Pecs.
Just showing through his shirts, you know?
And he's whining about,
why am I so lonely?
I call it sad, lonely man content.
He's talking about how his future wife must be praying
that God keeps him single until he meets her.
Just a bunch of BS, y'all.
Okay?
These are influencers.
This is content for engagement.
And I'm so sick of seeing it.
It's a huge trend now where all these men,
this one man, he's in the shower,
and all you can see is the back of him, right?
From the waist up.
So just his back, nothing else.
But you know, he's got his hands up in his hair,
and you know, the water's coming down.
It says, God, if you don't have a wife for me,
then please take away my desire to be loved.
Dude, you're single by choice.
You are single by choice.
All right?
There's a lot of people who wanted that prime real estate,
but you ain't selling, okay?
That is why you are single,
because in fact, the fact is, is he probably isn't single.
In fact, the person who is probably shooting the video
is his girlfriend or his wife,
because it's making the money.
You know what I'm saying?
All right.
So, but this is part of fantasy culture.
The only reason this exists,
the only reason that these videos get millions of views
Because ladies, I'm gonna call you out.
You have this fantasy that somewhere out there
is your sad, lonely, gorgeous husband
just waiting for you, praying for you to show up.
Come on, girls, stop, okay?
Now, I'm not saying that your husband is mid-ugly, okay?
I'm just saying that he's not making content
on a Tuesday afternoon, lonely boy content, all right?
Number one.
And number two, he probably isn't that hot,
as hot as those guys.
Now, I'm not saying that because you're not beautiful.
I'm not saying that because I don't love you.
I'm saying that because it's time to wake up.
We've had almost 2,000 success stories now
in last year's single.
And I can tell you without any hesitation,
not one woman married a guy that looks like that.
Not one of them.
Not even one of them, okay?
I'm not even married to a guy who looks like that.
And so, you guys, we have to, and this is the thing.
The reason why I'm saying this
is not to hurt anybody's feelings,
but it is to wake people up and help people understand
that this fantasy content,
and maybe that's not your fantasy content of choice.
I mean, it's ridiculous on the Instagram.
It's on the Instagram.
It's ridiculous.
But the movies, the, I call these books,
these romance novels, mommy porn.
The books that you're reading, the things that you're doing.
You guys, you have to stop if it's keeping you single.
If it's keeping you bored with every real human man.
You know what else you gotta be careful with?
You go on these really fun dates with your girlfriends.
I call it romanticizing life.
And I like to do it too because I'm a girl.
I romanticize life.
I like to go and I like to get a matcha,
like to get a little cream topper,
and I like to sit outside,
and I like to look at the pretty things,
and I like to go by the farmer's market,
and I like to get some fresh eggs,
and I like to get some fresh flowers for my table.
And you know what?
I do that with my daughter.
I do that with my girlfriends, okay?
Men aren't really like this.
I really want to make sure that you understand that.
And because of that, a lot of women are like,
well, he's just not romantic,
or he didn't plan a good date.
Stop expecting a man to plan the same kind of date
that you would plan with your girls,
because that ain't gonna probably happen.
Now, there are some romantic guys out there,
like real romantic, and rose petals,
and fairy dust, and all the things.
But if they're straight, they're also usually love bombers.
So let's be careful what we wish for
in case we might get it, okay?
We have to appreciate the difference between the genders.
After you get married,
I'm not saying your husband's never gonna be romantic.
I'm not saying he's not gonna ever bring home flowers.
I'm not saying he's never gonna plan a birthday party
for you or anything like that.
I am saying that if anyone is gonna romanticize
your life together, it's gonna be you.
You're gonna be the one that sets the stage for that
in nine out of 10 relationships.
There's always an exception of a healthy
and overly femininely romantic man.
I say femininely romantic because the way
that men see romance and the way women see romance,
very different.
Acts of service is romantic to a guy.
My husband thinks it's very romantic of him
to fill up my car with gas.
He thinks it's very romantic of him to take my car
down to the, you know, whatever that thing is called,
the scrub-a-dub-dub, and vacuum it out
and run it through the car wash.
Okay, he thinks it's very romantic of him
to notice that I'm out of hydrogen peroxide
and to buy me some.
All right, he's a very practical person.
And you know what?
I think acts of service used to be my least favorite
love language when I was younger.
I loved words of affirmation.
Tell me I'm beautiful.
Quality time.
Tell me I'm beautiful and take me and buy me something,
gifts, and feed me a cookie, you know?
I used to kind of like that,
but all the guys that would take me somewhere
and buy me something and gave me a cookie
and tell me I'm beautiful also turned out to be real jerks.
Okay?
And so I also love the fact that my husband
is a real acts of service guy.
He's a real acts of service guy.
And I've come to really enjoy acts of service
at 51 years old.
It's amazing what can happen
when you stop fantasizing about the wrong stuff.
If you want a fantasy,
fantasize about a husband who's faithful,
who comes home at night.
after work and wants to spend time with you and actually communicates and talks
to you about his day, wants to know about your day, wants to go and do things with
you, wants to take a walk down the street with you, misses you when he's gone from
you. Let's fantasize about the right thing, shall we?
Can we? Hold on a second. All right, so if you guys don't like what I'm saying,
then take it up with God. Take it up with the big guy because I really felt that on
my heart for tonight. Just starting off right, right out the gate, starting off with talking
about how we have to stop living in this cinematic era and believing that our love story is supposed
to look like a movie. Every one of you is going to marry a regular flesh and blood
guy and guess what? He's going to be great to you if you'll open your heart and give
him a chance. You're going to think he's handsome if you open your heart and give him a chance.
Gentlemen, same with you. Oh, you weren't going to, you gentlemen, I know that there's
less of you here, but you didn't think that I was going to let you off the hook, right?
I've been banging on the ladies for a minute. I'm going to go ahead and knock on your door
now. All right. Some of y'all been trying to come to me, asking me to introduce you
to some 25 year old baddie. And let me tell you something right now. Them girls are expensive.
All right. You're complaining about taking her to a steakhouse. Her foundation costs
more than your car payment. Okay. So don't be wishing for a woman like that. And secondly,
you couldn't have pulled a girl like that when you were 25. I'm not trying to hurt your
feelings. I'm trying to wake you up. I can't, I can't tell you how many times a guy has
come to me and said, Jackie, your program really works. I haven't been able to meet
anyone on the apps. And all of a sudden I met this girl and they send me a picture of
some 25 year old baddie and they're, you know, mid ugly, 60 year old, fat, balding, short,
no offense, gentlemen, if that describes you, then let's figure it out. But the bottom
line is, is that I'm like, Oh, you think that girl, she just really understands me. Yeah.
She understands you're desperate and she's a scammer. And I guarantee you that she's
probably a man that looks just like you sitting behind a keyboard.
Let's wake up. It's time to be open to someone who is kind and generous. Someone who's a
person of value and a person of faith. It's time for us to get rid of the fantasies. Amen.
Who's with me? Let me see it in the comments. I'm trying to plug my computer in. Sorry guys.
I'm not in my studio. We're just going to. I've been hanging around with Gen Z too much
y'all because I don't even know what raw dogging means, but I was about to say we're going
to raw dog it, but I think that's a bad thing. But that's what they always say when they're
about to do something without practicing or without, you know, intention or without it
being perfect. Do not look that up because I haven't, and I bet you it means something
bad. All right. This Gen Z is all around me all the time. Okay. Let's see who's with
me in the comments. We're plugged in. We're not going to go dead. Jason's like, it does
mean something bad. Okay. Strike it from the transcript. Just forget, forget it. Just,
I'm not quite a boomer. I'm not a boomer, but just chalk it up to almost being a boomer.
Torch that fantasy y'all. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Now, does that mean that God doesn't care
about your preferences? No, it doesn't mean that. It does mean that some of you need to
rethink your preferences. And this is what I always tell people. When you're making your
non-negotiable list and when you're making your preference list, I want you to imagine
someone with everything on your preference list sitting next to you as you're sitting
in the hospital room and your parent is dying. Cause that's going to happen to all of you
that still have living parents. Might not be at the hospital, might be at your home.
Okay. But it's going to happen to every one of you that still has a parent. And I've already
done that. My mom went to heaven. I was in the ICU with her for a month before she went
to heaven. She was not conscious. She was intubated. And guess who was there with me
every second that I was in that room? David Dorman.
You know what else he was doing?
He was bringing in the guitar and he was singing and he was worshiping.
You know what else he was doing?
He was helping me, um, you know, put out posts for prayer.
And then he was holding the phone as people would call in one after another, after another
and pray over my mom on speakerphone.
That's what he was doing.
He was rubbing my back at night when we went over to the, you know, the place we were staying
near the hospital.
He was, you know, praying for me.
He was interceding for me.
So that being said, I want you to take your preference list and I want you to picture
yourself losing your job that you thought you were supposed to retire from, losing half
of your pension, um, you know, making a bad investment, thinking that it's good and it's
bad and you lose half of your retirement.
I'm not speaking any of this bad stuff over you, but you guys, there will be hard times.
And I want you to take your preference list and I want you to picture that person that
your preference list describes sitting next to you during any of this stuff.
During any of this stuff.
Their height's not going to really matter, is it?
Their bone structure ain't going to matter, is it?
Whether they're super fit or whether they're kind of fluffy, it's not going to really matter.
In fact, if they're a little fluffy, it's probably a better shoulder to cry on.
More comfortable.
Now we don't want to be caretaking for them, so we want them to take care of themselves,
but that's why we want them to take care of themselves.
Not because we want to be married to a fantasy, but because we don't want to see them walk
through health troubles.
And we don't certainly want to walk through health troubles with them, amen?
Some things can't be avoided, you guys, no matter how good you take care of yourself,
but you know what I'm saying.
All right, so I'm going to open up the floor for some coaching.
I do have a hard stop in 45 minutes, 55 minutes at 8.15 Central, but I want to go ahead and
take some questions.
And this can be over dating, it can be if you've been reading Modern Dating Sucks, the
book, you have any questions about that.
It can be over, you know, some kind of preference that you have that you really want to make
a non-negotiable because you really want it that badly.
It can be over anything that we're talking about right now.
It can be over a good date that you just had, a bad date that you just had, kind of transitioning
out of my little talking head phase of this into more of the Ask Jackie, all right?
All right, now, and you guys, all that I ask is that you make your questions really fast,
because if everyone takes 20 minutes to explain their question, then not very many of you
are going to get to ask a question.
All right, so Natasha, go ahead.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi, everyone.
Just a quick question, because I'm at a level two dating just recently back on the app,
and I posted on the Ask Jackie as well around.
So my question is, how do you, especially if you're not getting any matches on the,
a lot of matches.
Because one guy I've matched with, and very intentional, and we've been hanging out, I
also agree quite a ton.
We're not trauma bonding or emotionally bonding too deep.
It's just fun and light.
But how do you limit how much time we hang out, or what's enough, a good enough time
that's pacing in terms of face-to-face hanging out when you're not getting any other matches
on the app, so you can't really be multi-dating other people at the same time?
So what would be a good pacing?
Okay, so you guys, thank you for asking this question, because that's a great question.
So first of all, I just want to let you guys know that all of your love stories are going
to be different.
Okay?
They're not going to run along the same track, and it's important that you understand that.
Because otherwise, you can get really militant about comparing your love story to other people's,
and also to some sort of standard that I'm setting.
So what I do here, and what my team does here, is we do best practices, kind of gold standard.
But there's always exceptions to every rule.
But what we're doing is we're trying to create guardrails and boundaries for people so that
they can stay safe out there, so that they can get to know people in a way that would
cause them to know whether or not this is their person or not.
You know?
This is what we do.
So she brings up a really good question.
She's like, hey, there's no one else to date.
It's not for lack of trying, but you know, this person, you know, I'm having a good time
with them.
They're showing up.
I'm showing up.
So what's to stop her from fully focusing on this relationship?
And so my question to you is, what's to stop you, okay?
For those of you that didn't read my book, there's a 90-day framework.
How long have you known him for, Natasha?
It's only been like, well, two weeks.
We met, we literally matched two weeks ago.
Okay, but you're having fun.
How many times do you think you've been out in two weeks,
face-to-face?
Quite a bit.
Because we met, we actually saw our first date
was actually we figured out we go to the same church.
So our first date was we attended
the evening service together,
but didn't pray for one another.
So we don't pray for one another.
We don't do a minister to one another.
We just went to church and then after that
had tea and cake after the service.
The second date was he asked if we could maybe
go to a beginner salsa class.
So we've done two of those.
And then on last week Sunday,
I serve in the worship team.
So I was on choir for all three of the services.
So he attended all three of the services
and then wanted to hang out in between.
And we actually did a tour
because I had to go back home quickly
before the third service to go walk my dog.
So we went and walked the dog
and then he dropped me back home.
Okay, so this guy really likes you.
Ladies, this is the definition of
if he wanted to, he would, okay?
This is it in real life.
And so let me ask you, he obviously really likes you.
How do you feel about him?
I really like him.
And he's very intentional.
He's such a gentleman.
He, you know, even when he takes me out after salsa,
he'd be like, have you had dinner?
Takes me out for dinner.
When we're sharing a meal,
he'll wait till I take a slice of pizza first
before he does.
So he is a gentleman, very paced.
That's why I said we're not trauma bonding
and I'm a psychologist.
So I'm very careful around not asking too much.
I know that he's been married before.
He's from Russia originally,
lived in New Zealand for 10 years.
He got divorced during COVID.
And I just asked him,
do you think you've done the necessary processing
around that with someone you trust?
And he admitted that, yes, he's been to therapy for that.
And he's still currently in that process,
but not around the marriage stuff, other stuff.
So I, and I left it at that.
So I didn't inquire further.
Yeah. Yeah.
Two weeks in.
That's good.
Okay. So here's the thing.
Does she have to go meet other people?
What do you guys think?
Vote, vote.
Okay.
We've got one yes and mostly nos.
All right.
So here's the thing.
The thing is, once again,
everybody's timeline is gonna be different.
Some people are gonna meet someone
and hit it off right away like this.
They're not, you know, they're not trying to make it happen.
It just is happening.
They both really enjoy each other's company.
They're really enjoying getting to know each other.
And there isn't anything wrong with her focusing
on this man and him focusing on her.
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised
if in just another couple of weeks,
he asks her if, you know,
if she would be willing to focus only on him
and, you know, date him exclusively.
And so it's always a yes until it's a no, friends.
And right now it's a yes.
It's kind of a big yes.
And so what I would say is
because you guys go to the same church,
okay, and this is another thing.
David and I were next door neighbors.
And so all of this pacing that I always preach to you guys,
and remember, this is gold standard.
These are guardrails.
We didn't do that.
And the reason why we didn't do that
is because we were next door neighbors.
I saw him every single day.
Whether I wanted to or not, I saw him every single day.
His daughter and my daughter became best friends
as neighbors before we were ever romantically involved.
They tried to play together every single day.
She was constantly asking if she could go places with us.
Can you ask my dad if I can go with you guys to the store?
I want to go with you.
You know, she was missing mother in her life.
She wanted to be with me.
We co-parented, we carpooled each other's kids.
And so in situations like this
where you go to the same church,
you're going to see each other all the time,
you live in proximity to each other,
it's hard just to say,
oh, hey, my dating coach said
we're only allowed to see each other once a week
and for more than two hours.
That doesn't work.
Yeah.
Okay, so you have to know,
you know, because you're a psychologist,
you know, you know, codependency,
you know, trauma bonding, you know, the whole spiel.
So if you find yourself in a place
where you're anxiously attaching,
okay, it sounds like you're more of a secure attacher,
but if you find yourself in a place where you're like,
oh, you know, I wonder if this is the one,
I wonder if he wants, if he's going to want to marry me,
I wonder, you know, how long this is going to take,
then, you know, it's time to kind of step back.
Is it just me or did Jackie forget?
Please, yes, Jackie, you're frozen.
Come back, Jackie, come back.
I know, right.
I love this, Natasha, I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
It is quite exciting, but I'm also trying to be paced.
Yes, I'm excited for you.
Thank you.
Come back, Jackie.
She logged off, she'll probably log back in.
OK.
Natasha, while the focus is on you, how did you guys meet?
Did you meet at church?
We actually met on Hinge.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. So we met on Hinge and it's it's after I'd taken.
I mean, I haven't been in Hinge over a year because I just felt like
in my previous experiences of Hinge, no, didn't get any
any real matches from it.
But this time I was just like, you know what?
I don't because I've done the hard work and done the work.
I was like, let me try it because, you know, because I'm showing up
differently for myself as well, having read the book.
So I'm just going to approach it very differently.
So I tried it and we matched effectively like a week
into me having reset up a new profile. Yeah.
That's amazing.
Oh, there you are.
Yeah. Sorry, guys.
The Internet at my daughter's house failed, just failed for no reason.
So I have no idea. It's not my house.
So we're just going to go on my phone and we're just going to keep on going.
Let's keep the party going.
All right. So, friends, I want to I want you to see something else right there.
I think that their electricity might have gone off
and now it just started again. OK.
So one of the things that I want you to see in our friend Natasha's story.
Is once again, they are in close proximity to each other,
so they're going a little faster, maybe then a lot of people
would feel comfortable with like, oh, we're spending too much time together.
You know, what if we what if we get, you know, connected and dependent
and then it falls apart and this person is not the one and they break my heart?
Or, you know, what if I just ignore red flags because I'm liking them so much?
Because there's no reason to borrow trouble from tomorrow.
It's either a yes or it's a no.
And this is why in my book club I had people make their non-negotiables.
These are absolute deal breakers that you vet people with.
And so Natasha is going to actually if she made her list of deal breakers
and Natasha, if you did, I'm going to have you share what they are in just one second.
She is able to because she's getting to know him so quickly
because they're spending time together so much because of church
and because of proximity.
Guess what? She's going to find out a lot quicker
whether or not he has deal breakers of hers, isn't she?
Right. So, Natasha, what are your deal breakers?
Did you make your list?
And ladies and gentlemen, I do not want you guys to have more than 15 deal breakers,
15 non-negotiables.
And I don't want you to be hiding the peas in the mashed potatoes.
OK, I don't want them to be hidden within preference.
Go ahead.
I did do them and post them in the group after I compiled it.
It's not I don't even think I have probably about five or six non-negotiables.
What are they?
They're about a healthy relationship with God,
someone who is confident and a good leader.
So stewards that well, like in terms of,
yeah, someone who intellectually can stimulate me
and also someone who's emotionally mature.
Someone who's marriage minded and family orientated.
That's it. I think that that's about what I.
So those are non-negotiables that she would be able to see
in the first six months of getting to know this gentleman.
I'm sorry, in the first 60 days of getting to know this gentleman.
But guess what?
She's going to be able to see a lot quicker because of the accelerated path.
Recording in progress.
And I have also because he was at church.
So I was still quite mindful in being with my my discipleship group at church.
So he would let him know where I am.
And he came and met them.
So they are aware of him.
And they also know what my non-negotiable list is.
So they can also be my eyes and ears.
And so that's your that's your relationship advisory circle.
That's your relationship.
OK, so it sounds like it sounds like you've been in my book club.
Yeah, so I've done that and all my friends know what I'm looking for.
So, OK. Yeah.
Well, this sounds really good and it sounds really positive.
It sounds really healthy so far.
And so my advice to you would just be to keep going.
Just keep going.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're excited for you.
And you guys, did you hear?
The things that she had done before didn't work.
And then all of a sudden, you know,
she put her fish and pole back in the water
and she caught herself a big one.
All right.
And so sometimes it's just how it happens.
And so someone should just be putting in the chat,
I'm next, because that's really how it happens.
It really does.
So celebrate with your sister
that she's having a good time.
She's enjoying her summer.
She's having a little summer of getting to know you.
And we're excited for you, Natasha.
Keep us posted, okay?
Well, it's winter here, so.
Yeah, keep us posted on that.
Thank you.
Hola.
Como le va?
Oh.
Sorry, y'all.
Nicola, you're next.
Nicola?
Yes.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
Is it okay if the camera is off?
I mean, it is off.
Is there, you mean, does it have to be off?
If it has to be off for whatever reason, that's fine.
Just go ahead and ask your question.
It's okay.
I wanted to ask,
I met someone recently at a store
and we exchanged numbers.
And he fixes bikes and give it out to kids.
So he left the store and then I was behind
and then I started leaving the store.
And then the thought came to my mind,
what if he's still outside?
So I went outside and I saw him and he was like,
do you have any kids?
And I said, no.
No.
Oh, Hedge, what do you say, old Iraq?
Hello?
Yeah, we just gotta mute someone.
Go ahead.
Sorry about that.
So he asked me for my number
and then two weeks later I called him
and I told him that I have a bike.
If he doesn't mind looking at it, a bicycle.
And-
Good play, girl.
So we have been talking back and forth
for a week through texts.
And we had an appointment for last Saturday,
but I had to cancel it because I went out of town.
So he just asked me today
if I still wanted to meet on Saturday and I said, yes.
But I also found out that he's, during his texting,
he said that he's divorced.
So I didn't say anything about that.
And I was just wondering like,
when would I, like, should I ask him about his divorce
or should I just wait to see how things go?
I mean, it's a really personal question.
So obviously you don't know this man well enough
to ask him about it.
And even though you have a little bit
of a romantic design towards him,
it doesn't mean that he has a romantic design towards you.
She dropped the hanky, good for her.
Do you guys see how she did it?
She did it, I'd say expert level.
She saw something that he was interested in.
She had something that correlated
to what he was interested in, right?
And she said, hey, I've got a bike.
Would you mind coming and looking at my bike?
And here's the thing.
The thing is, is that she did something that men love.
She talked about something he was interested in,
something he's doing,
and then she asked him to help her with that thing.
That's a slam dunk.
That's a home run.
Now, whether or not he's going to be romantically interested
in her after they get together on Saturday,
whether she's gonna be romantically interested in him
when she gets to know him a little bit better, who knows?
But it really was a really good hanky drop,
and then we'll see what's gonna happen next.
But no, you don't need to find out about his divorce.
You don't need to find out why he's divorced
or any of the things about him like that.
What you need to do is when he comes to look at your bike
or whatever it is y'all are gonna do,
you need to just be around him,
see what his presence is like,
see if you're even attracted to him.
You only saw him briefly in a store besides the texting.
So see if you're even interested in doing more.
And if you are interested in doing more
after he looks at your bike or whatever,
as payment of that, you can say,
hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee?
He probably won't let you.
He'll probably wanna buy the coffee
if he's interested in you.
but you know, you can keep that going.
You can repay him somehow for helping you.
You know, if you really like him,
you'd be like, hey, you know, let me make you a sandwich.
Let me cook you a meal.
That's another way to a man's heart,
but don't ask any personal questions
until we see if we even wanna get personal.
Okay, and during the text,
I found out that he was involved in ministry.
He worked for a very known ministry
that is in the United States,
but also goes throughout the country, the world.
And he was sharing a lot of it,
the information that he works for them for nine years
and different things, yeah.
Awesome, awesome.
Well, we're excited for you.
So let's see what happens.
Do you really have a bike?
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Did you go outside and take a baseball bat to it
and break it so that-
No.
But I do have an extra one just in case
I need to go get another one.
Yeah.
Ladies, what she did was really great.
And I really wanna encourage you guys.
You know, what are the easiest ways
to start a conversation with a man that you see
that you would like to talk to?
And maybe you think he's single.
He might not end up being single.
And I'm just gonna tell you right now,
no man is ever going to be anything less than flattered
if you talk to him and, you know, try to get his number,
try to connect with him, even if he's got a girlfriend.
He's gonna be like, oh, thank you so much.
I have a girlfriend or thank you so much.
I'm married or whatever.
But he's gonna say, I'm flattered.
Like he isn't going to, unless he's a weirdo,
he's not gonna be like, oh, okay.
So men like to be appreciated just the way, you know,
a lot of women don't because women have like stranger danger
but men do.
Okay, and so one thing that I want to tell you ladies,
and this is what Nicole did so expertly, Nicola did.
Is it, how do I say it?
Nicola?
Yes, it's correct, Nicola.
Nicola.
Okay, so one thing that she did really well is,
you know, this is flirting.
She was flirting.
And hopefully he picked up on that
with come and look at my bike.
Okay, and he probably did.
But what I want to say is,
is that if you want to talk to a man,
talk to him about something he's interested in.
Ask him about something.
I know Audra, Audra is a private client of mine.
By the way, for the first time in two years,
I'm opening up my books.
If you've ever wanted to coach with me,
if you've ever wanted to be a private client with me,
I felt impressed to open up my books.
I've been super busy.
I haven't been able to do a lot of one-on-one coaching.
Audra can tell you that it's really fun
to one-on-one coach with me.
But one thing that Audra has done
is she's taken up golf lessons.
And whether you're good or bad at golfing,
I will say this,
if you are at the driving range
and you see a man you want to talk to,
you can ask him-
Oh wow, look at his kid already.
You can talk to him about his clubs.
You can ask him about his swing.
Asking a man to show you something like,
hey, I noticed that you got a really long drive.
What club do you use for that?
Men love to teach you things, okay?
They love to show what they can do.
And so asking a guy, asking, you know,
seeing a guy, you guys, it's not manipulative
and it's not even lying, okay?
It's just flirting.
So if you see a guy and he's, you know,
got a car and you see him there
and you really want to say hi to him,
but you know, he's about to leave,
you know, you can just walk by and say,
oh, hey, I see, you know,
I see you got a Kia Telluride.
Do you like it?
How long have you had it for?
Do you like it?
You know, and you don't have to say
I'm in the market to buy a car if you,
if you're not, okay?
I mean, not to lie to him, but you can just say,
you know, I've wondered if these cars are good
or, you know, I wonder right now,
you're wondering if this car is good
because there's a hot guy getting into it
that you want to talk to.
And so you're like, do you like this car?
And then he'll talk to you.
Trust me, a guy will talk about his car.
It's probably not a Kia Telluride,
that's what I drive, okay?
But it's probably something,
it's a Bronco, it's a Mustang,
it's a, you know, whatever men like and drive,
I don't even know, but, you know,
they'll be happy to tell you about their golf club
or their car or whatever, okay?
So that was great.
All right, Pauline, what do you got?
If you're interested, by the way,
in what I said about one-on-one coaching with me,
it's a very limited opportunity.
I'm only going to take a handful of people.
One-on-one coaching is very time intensive for me.
I try to be a very thorough.
I'm a very engaged coach, which is why I haven't had time for it, but I didn't do any retreats
this year, but we are going to do one retreat at the end of the year.
The Austin retreat is going to happen this year, so if you've been waiting and wondering
if you're going to get to come to the Austin retreat, we are going to be doing a singles
conference and a retreat in Austin, so I just want to let you guys know that.
And then we're going to be doing a singles conference in the fall out in New Jersey,
so all of you New York, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Connecticut people, D.C., all those
people are going to be doing that out there.
And the Cleveland conference has been bumped to April of next year.
So just to let you know, those are some dates that we have going on.
And then, of course, the one-on-one coaching is open.
You guys, it will fill up immediately.
I am actually going to post it on my Instagram tonight.
People in the program will get first dibs, though, for those slots.
So email us, Jackie, not Jackie, admin at JackieDorman.com if you're interested.
And if you really are interested, I would send that email tonight because that's probably
how quick that will fill up.
Two years, I have not been one-on-one coaching.
Okay.
All right.
Let's go with Pauline.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi, everyone.
Just a quick question.
This is regarding consideration of whether to give like a past relationship another chance.
And so why I'm asking is because since the breakup, I think for a month plus, I was kind
of feeling like, nah, I don't think things are going to work out and we should just be
Or rather, I don't see anything beyond friendship.
But as I continue to kind of be open to my own grieving process and how I really feel
about the relationship and the ending of it, I find myself at a place where I'm kind of
like, I guess, being open to a possibility of a romantic relationship happening between
us again in the future.
I'm not saying immediately, but I find myself kind of wondering if this is coming from a
healthy place or is some part of the attraction coming from a place that is not healthy.
Okay.
So let's, let's, let's break it down.
So how long did you know him for as a friend?
Not long.
Actually, we, we, let me think.
I think we knew each other for less than a week.
And then we kind of just felt a lot of chemistry and then we started dating each other exclusively.
Okay.
And how long did you date exclusively for?
It was again, like on and off in that we kind of like felt like we had to take a break and
then we went back in.
Okay.
Who felt like they needed to take a break?
You or him?
Both of us had pet alternates.
Okay.
And for what reasons?
What were the reasons for those breaks?
I think the first one was that we had different standards when it came to intimacy in a relationship.
So that was one thing where we kind of put a pause and then we came back and discussed
and talked about it.
Okay.
So the, say the different standard was you want to wait till marriage and he doesn't
think it's necessary.
We were, we were talking about, no, we, I think we were both agree, agreed that no,
there is no sex before marriage, but then what was what's permissible kind of that
question.
Okay.
That's the slippery slope.
Got it.
Yeah, exactly.
Right.
So you guys broke it off because of that the first time and then what happened?
And so who broke up because of that one, you or him?
He wanted to take a pause, but I was like, I don't know how to do a pause.
And I was like, no, let's just then stop, you know, because how did you get back together
after that one?
After that?
So we continued chatting after that, or rather he reached out and we started chatting again.
And then I brought the topic up again about the whole slippery slope thing.
And then we came to a kind of consensus and in the midst of that, we got back together.
But then I think he got stressed at work and I leaned a bit anxious, but I'm more, I think
I would, I'm the fearful avoidant, but lean a bit more anxious.
And so I think at some point, and I think he leaned more avoidant.
And so there will be times where I kind of reach out for clarification or reassurance,
but not big time because I'm very mindful, but I know that.
Let's stop there.
Okay.
Let's stop there for a second.
So I want to make a comment about attachment style.
So if you're not familiar with attachment style, that's what Pauline's talking about.
We do have some really good teachings on that.
You can look them up in the replays.
You guys are all in phase three, so you can look them up in the replays.
I can revisit the attachment style.
that's something that everybody wants, I can do that on my next Ask Jackie. But one way that you
can tell if someone's leaning avoidant is they'll usually withdraw or pull away as soon as there is
any kind of emotional need from their partner. All right, so as soon as things get kind of
elevated emotionally where we're getting dependent on them or we need them for something, this is
when they'll usually kind of start to pull away. And so we're seeing that here, okay, because she
is saying that I'm not usually anxious, but I was becoming anxious in this relationship.
I usually kind of lean fearful avoidant a little bit, but I was becoming anxious in
this relationship. And the reason why is because her nervous system was reacting to someone who's
truly avoidant. Okay, not understanding where she stands with him. Is he in? Is he out?
Is he hot? Is he cold? What's going on? Like wanting reassurance. And you guys, that is the
kryptonite of a true avoidant. If someone's a true avoidant and you want clarity, they are going to
run for the hills. Okay, they're not good at giving clarity. They don't want to feel trapped or locked
in. And so I just want to let you know, Pauline, without even hearing any more, I think that it
actually is good that you've moved on from this relationship because it doesn't sound like
it's a good one. It sounds like, um, while there is chemistry and by the way, you guys, chemistry
and your nervous system firing are the same thing. Okay. So her nervous system is definitely lit up
by this guy in one way, shape, or form, but he's not on the same page. And I just, I just want to
let you guys know something and gentlemen, gentlemen, you correct me if you think I'm wrong.
I know that Jason Rodriguez is on this call. He's been in the program for a long time. Jason's a
good guy. Ladies, if you want to meet Jason, let me know. Um, but I didn't see who else was here,
but let me say this ladies, if you are committed to no sex before marriage, and you let a man that
you're dating know that, and he wants to know how far he can go, he's not the right guy.
If he wants to know how far is too far, he's not the right guy. If you just told him that
you're committed to purity, that you want to do things God's way, and he wants to know, okay,
but what sexual things can we do? Look, I'm not saying these are terrible, horrible people,
but I am saying that this person is not protecting you. And the number one thing
that you want in a future husband is a man who is going to protect you. Okay.
Okay. So is this make, does this make the guy that Pauline's talking about a horrible ogre?
He's a monster. No, but you know what? He's not. He's not mature enough to be a husband.
He's not mature enough to be a husband because he should be the one setting the standard
of purity in the relationship of keeping the relationship safe for the woman that he is
falling in love with, making sure that she feels safe, making sure that she doesn't feel used,
making sure that, you know, she isn't right standing with the Lord. That is important.
Really, really important. Okay. Now I'm not saying that both people don't have to set the
boundaries. Ladies, you do have, look, I got plenty of men in my program have told me that
it's the woman trying to seduce them, not the other way around. So please don't think that I
don't know that women do that because they do. But I want to tell you, if you are setting the
boundary and he's trying to push it, even if it's just with his words, he's not mature enough
to be a husband yet. Let God make him a husband first before you make him a husband. Okay.
I think to be fair to him, because it's not here. I think it's just that he and I,
we have different understanding and standards. And so while I stated my standard, he, he,
he didn't force anything on me, but he's just basically stating his ground that, you know,
he can't accept certain things. And so that's why we broke off the first time.
Oh, honey, I know he didn't force you to do anything because you already told us that,
but he also wanted to take a pause after you set your standard. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. Because it's different from his.
Yeah. And, and I can imagine that yours was the stricter of the two.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I really do think that this relationship, while I'm sure it was exciting
and, you know, roller coasters are exciting. Um, it doesn't really sound that healthy.
And, um, if, if I was, you know, I need to hear a lot more to give you a really,
really good advice, but just on the surface,
I really think that you can find someone who's more marriage minded.
What can I do with the remaining sense of attraction? I
might still feel from time to time now to help myself yet.
Well, you know, I mean, it's easy to feel attracted to something when there's nothing
else around, right? A lot of us. Yeah. Well, a lot of us romanticize something
that we really don't want that.
much, but because we don't have anything better, it's easy to think, well, you know, it's not that
bad, right? It's not that bad. You know, you're at the airport, you're super hungry, it's late at
night, all the restaurants are closed, you're waiting for a delayed flight, and the vending
machine starts looking pretty delicious at that point in time. And it's not because it's delicious,
it's all trash. But it's because there's nothing open that has better food. And so it's a situation
where you're just going to have to wait a little longer till you get on the flight and you get to
where you're going, where you can get some good food, instead of just eating the trash, because
that's all that there is. And I'm not calling her guy trash that she's talking about. I'm just
saying, do not take something that you truly do not want that doesn't fit your non-negotiables
just because you don't think there's anything else available because it's just not true.
Got it. Thank you so much, Jackie.
You're welcome. Pauline, and here's the thing. The only caveat to this would be that if this man,
you know, and the thing is, this lady's avoidance, and what she's describing is truly an avoidant.
All right. Avoidance, when they don't see you, they romanticize you. And so these are the people
that will watch your story on social media, but they won't text back. All right. These are,
they want to keep tabs on you. They want to see what you're doing in case they really were missing
out on something wonderful. And Pauline is obviously a beautiful girl. And the bottom line
is, is this guy could definitely pop back up again and again and again and again. But are you going
to be any closer to someone who wants to really partner with you and marry you? I think it's
probably a waste of time. Usually these become waste of time situations. And just the fact that
they've made up and they broke up and made up two to three times tells you that there's something
that is not clicking here. So moving forward is great. Thank you. You're welcome. All right. Jane
Harris. It's Janie. How are you? Hi, Janie. I'm good. So, oh, my question was in regards to
religion. So I met Alan, we started dating on Facebook on the 26th of June, and we've been
exclusive. He is a Jehovah witness. And I kind of cringed when he first told me that, but he didn't,
he kind of backpedaled like, but I'm not baptized as one. I was like, yeah, I think there's a
difference here in our religion. He said, well, it's just a different interpretation of the Bible.
Right. But he is, after I put my list aside, he kind of checks all the boxes, marriage minded,
he's mature, he's intentionally seeking me. He, two of my non-negotiables were being financially
stable and having great teeth, which he doesn't. I know. And so, but every time we go out to eat,
he's even offered, I can take you and your grandkids bowling, I can do this.
And I asked the other day, can I pay for dinner? He's like, absolutely not.
So he's, although he's not financially stable, he's always paying for things,
paying for my groceries, paying for gas, buying me flowers, and very much pursuing me a lot and
more into me than I felt like initially I was into him. But the Jehovah witness thing has really got
me kind of, but he hasn't been to church since we met. And I asked him, I said, well, do you do the
door to door knocking thing? And how's that working out? He said, well, I don't really go
to church. I just been reading my Bible and praying to God. So he doesn't talk about his
religion. So is he Jehovah witness as an adult or did he just grow up Jehovah witness? He grew up
as a Jehovah witness. And he said he used to do that as a kid and I guess got away from it.
He's new to the area. He's new to Phoenix. I'm new to Phoenix like for a few months.
He's a new about a year and a half. And so we've seen a lot of each other.
Different denominations, people can make things work with different denominations of Christianity.
The problem is, is that there are a couple denominations that people say are Christian
denominations like Mormonism and Jehovah witness is one of them that they believe some very,
very, very different things from standard Christianity. Very, very different things.
I used to teach a Bible study to a woman who grew up Jehovah witness and I got to know a lot
about Jehovah witness, but just Jehovah witnesses, but just like Jehovah witnesses, Mormons and
Jehovah witnesses, it differs kind of from where you were raised, what church you went to. They
don't all believe the same thing. And now they do believe very,
different things from just standard Christianity, but they don't all believe the same things
as each other, okay?
So if you go on a strict Jehovah Witness or this or that, there's all kinds of little
things in there.
But one thing that both of those churches have in common is that if you defect, just
kind of like Amish people, your whole family disowns you.
That's a big thing that happens with Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons or Church of the Latter
Day Saints, I should say, and also like Amish Mennonites.
And so the thing that you'd have to find out from him is, you know, is his family okay
with him not being a Jehovah Witness?
How close is he with his family?
It sounds like he's kind of in the valley decision.
He doesn't really know what he believes.
You know, he believes there's a God.
He reads his Bible.
Is it possible that he could kind of switch over to like a more mainstream faith of Christianity?
It sounds like possibly, but you got to make sure that this man isn't in a place where
if he doesn't, you know, if they think he's just a backslidden Jehovah Witness, then okay.
But if he actually switches to a different denomination, starts going to church with
youth, let's say, it's possible that he could get like disowned from his family.
So you need to find out things like that.
You guys, there's all kinds of people that were raised all different types of things
that they really don't practice that anymore.
So they're in a place where they're not really sure what to practice, but they do love God
and they do love Jesus, and they're trying to live a moral life.
All right, so.
And the second part of my question was, how soon is it that a person or a couple can get
enrolled in SIMBA?
SIMBAs, we don't have a timeframe for that.
I always say that if you're dating someone seriously, and of course, at this age, all
of us should be dating for mating.
So if you're dating someone seriously, and you want to see kind of how you line up together,
you can always take SIMBAs.
We've had people that have only been dating for three months take SIMBAs, and then we've
had people who are engaged about to get married the next month take SIMBAs.
So it just runs the gamut.
Okay, and it starts again soon?
It's ending.
The last session of this go-around is next week.
So yeah, it should start in a few weeks.
It does have a spirituality section, so.
Okay.
Thank you.
And it has a big financial section, too.
Cool.
Thank you, Jackie.
It doesn't have any dental section, but I love teeth.
I love teeth, too.
I'm a teeth weirdo, as well.
But you guys, people can fix their teeth, just so you know.
Okay.
All right.
Thanks.
All right, Janie.
Thank you.
Felicia, you're up.
Hi, Jackie.
Hi.
I'm reading your book.
It's amazing.
Oh, thank you.
I get to learn so much from it.
My question to you is, since Brian and I break it off, I'm not comfortable, you know, setting
myself aside, just in case it came back around, even though I really, really have so much,
you know.
And wait, why did you guys break it off?
What happened?
Is this where, wait, is this, let me remind myself.
Is this, was this a church thing, too?
Or no?
Why did you guys break up?
One second.
Somebody's calling.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, he just, he had just kind of, we were talking about his game life, and I didn't
have a problem with him the way he did it, because he was emotionally present.
And he did, you know, he did, we did some great things together.
We just really followed, I followed the program, your program, and really checked, he checked
all the boxes, and he was just a great guy.
But I don't know what happened.
And then I asked him, because my friends, I told him that my friends are so valuable
to me, who was walking in the community with me, with him, and he, they keep asking me,
you know, how is Brian?
I didn't know what to say to them, so I asked him, and he said, he felt, he said he felt
like he was stuck in, he was stuck in a cycle, in a pattern, or a cycle, something like that.
And then the second part of it, he said, he, when I asked him if he wanted a break, he
always said no.
Why would he take a break from such treasures, you know, and something, me, that has so much
worth and value.
And then I did feel like I wanted to ask him again, like each week we check in with each
other, where we're going, how things are going, and that particular week I asked him, and
he said, he always said no, but now I'm going to say yes.
So we did take some time.
We did see each other.
each other during the week, but not as much. And then he said he would have got back to
me and tell me what he's thinking. He did. Can I ask you why? After he said no, he didn't
want to take a break. You continue to ask him every week if he wanted to take a break?
Well, it wasn't every week. It was always depends on, you know, if he pulls away a little
bit, I kind of asked him, so what's going on? And he would never express himself. He's
not someone who talks much. He just, okay. So once again, I just wanted to, I thought
that that was the case. So I just want to just highlight this. Okay. So once again,
we have a man who's leaning avoidant. Okay. And I think that a lot of people think that
avoidance are people who can't do relationship and they don't, they're not in long-term relationships.
No, that's not true. What's true about them is that if someone starts to express any type
of neediness, if someone starts to, to express any type of needing clarity or, um, you know,
noticing their, you know, their withdrawing, you know, if, if they get called out on that,
like, Hey, it seems like you're different. You know, do you still love me? Or do you
still want to see me? Do you still want to be in relationship with me? It seems like
you're pulling away when that happens. That is when you will see someone who truly is
leaning more avoidant. You will see them actually start pulling away even more. And so that's
what happened here. What happened here is she noticed a change in the temperature, right?
She noticed that he wasn't quite the same as he was before, maybe not as engaged, maybe
not as, you know, whatever. And when she gently asked him about it, um, he, you know, began
to retreat even more to the place where he's like, yeah, you know, I need some time to
go do whatever. So we can't fix people that are avoidant. Um, it doesn't mean that they
never get married to anyone, but it does mean that they have to recognize what their triggers
are because they will do this in marriage as well. They will withdraw, um, their defense
mechanisms or self-preservation techniques are usually withdrawing emotionally, physically.
Um, you know, they, they don't open up about their feelings. They don't know how to be
vulnerable and that's not someone you want to be married to.
That's so true. Yeah, exactly. That's, you know, like I said, a great guy, but he had
those little patterns when, um, when I would see him, that's when I said, okay, you can,
you can take the break. And then the following Saturday he, I am approachable. So I said,
we need to talk about this because my, I need to know what you're doing. And he just, he
just quickly said, I think we need to end it. And I'm like, really? Like what happened?
And he said, he just, and he did, then he just got cold. Like the sweet guy just got,
even though he said, end it, he just got cold. And that was what really disturbed me is the
sweet person, kind person who kind of trained my heart to take a step into knowing him. Each
step I take, he just got cold. And because, because he's, because he's in a fear response.
And so that's what you need to understand. Now that isn't, that's not to romanticize his
behavior and to make you think, oh, you know, poor thing. Um, it's not at all, but it's to
tell you that he got cold because, um, that that's a fear response. So when avoidance pull
away, it's because they're afraid they're afraid of being controlled. They're afraid of being hurt.
They're afraid of being abandoned. Um, and so they, they abandoned first, they control first,
they pull away first. And so, um, but that's why he got cold because he was able to completely
shut down any and all connection with you. And that's really, what's dangerous about avoidance
because they can really compartmentalize their feelings as a self-preservation technique. And
you definitely don't want to be with someone who can, you know, pull away at the drop of a hat,
especially being married to them. Oh yeah. It's it's, yeah, I could see that.
And then the second thing he said, he don't think we were communicating, communicating effectively,
which was surprising to me because that's one of the things that he was so attractive to
about me that we, he doesn't speak up a lot, but I approached him because I'm in a coaching. So I
approached things. And, and then the third thing he said, we were not compatible. He don't think
we were compatible. Well, of course, because when you're going to pull away, you got to pick a fight
with what you're pulling away from. You have to make it, you have to give a reason for why. And,
and, and ladies and gentlemen, that's another, um, that's another thing that avoidance do.
And that is that they nitpick, they find, they find things wrong that didn't have to be, that
didn't use to be wrong in the relationship. They, they start saying, oh, well, I never liked this
about you, or this always bothered me. Um, and the reason why they say that is because they need to
give a reason so that things, you know, can just end and be over with. And so, um, so it's time
to move forward, Felicia. So here's a good thing that you.
you know, there's always a one before the one. And it's exciting that you got, um, you know,
some really good, uh, experience inside of this relationship, getting to know someone,
you know, knowing what to look for. And so onward and upward.
Yeah. So I'm ready to move on now and to talk with other people. And I'm asking,
is this coming from a healthy place? And also I want to say one more thing.
Sure.
So he's very sarcastic. And I always said to him, you never have an answer. You always said,
perhaps. And I said, that's going to be a problem. And I real, I wanted to find out from you when
somebody is very sarcastic. What? Cause I heard that he can make someone heart very cold and it
does make them show up as themselves. And also I'm ready to move on and I'm excited to find,
you know, I opened my app again and I'm saying hi to people, people saying hi to me.
Is that coming from a healthy place or I'm just trying to feed back into what
he, you know, we, we had when we were in that relationship.
I don't think so. I mean, you, you know, you got to know someone, they're not the one,
you know, you're in a marriage minded season. So you're moving forward. I mean, it's okay to
grieve, disagree, grieve and to disagree, to grieve something, not being what you thought
it was and to be disappointed. It's okay to do that. Um, but you know, you weren't in a
relationship with this person for a long period of time. It doesn't sound like they ever really
let you in. And so, um, I think it's good that you didn't become more anxious and more kind of
clinging onto this and trying to make it work and trying to be whatever this person wanted you to
be. Um, I like that you stood your ground. I liked that you continue to ask questions. I like that
you continue to confront what was in the room with you. Sarcasm, you guys is on my self-preservation
technique. If you guys want to revisit the heartwork, um, it is a self-preservation technique
or self-defense mechanism. If you like that language better, um, people that are overly
sarcastic or people who are very guarded, they're guarded, they're people who it can be actually a
form of being passive aggressive. Um, I don't like it. I don't like most of the people I know
that are really sarcastic are also, you know, just kind of jerks, um, women and men, you know,
they make fun of people, you know, they have a tendency to just be, and I'm not talking about
dry humor. I'm talking about true sarcasm. True sarcasm is harsh and it's biting. True sarcasm
is meant to make people feel small. And so, um, so there's a difference between sarcastic kind
of dry humor and sarcasm. Sarcasm is, is meant to make someone feel stupid. Okay. And so that is,
that is definitely a no for me. Yeah, he was sarcastic. He would say things and they were
all true, but I didn't take them back. So honey, I'm glad that you learned some good things. You
saw some things now she can add some things to her non-negotiables and she can move forward.
Yes. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. We have one more Felicia and then I have to end
you guys. I have a hard stop. So Felicia, what do you got? I'm sorry. Not Felicia Camille. Sorry,
Camille. Don't forget. I just want to make two more announcements. Um, Austin retreat for those
of you that are asking, it's going to be in the fall. So we have an Austin, we have something
called, uh, Austin city limits. It's a huge music conference and this whole town is just overrun by
people during that timeframe. So we'll, we're gonna avoid that. So it's either going to be
an early October, early November. We'll let you guys know. Um, but that's going to have a very
limited space, but the conference itself will not. So that'll be, that'll be open to a lot
more people, but the actual retreat itself will be, I think maybe less than 15 people.
Um, but we'll be putting that out. And of course you guys will have first dibs before it ever goes
out to the public. If we can't sell all the spots within the com within our community, which we
should be able to, um, then we'll, we'll go outward. And, uh, I think that it's a co-ed
retreat. I don't think that it's just women. I think it's men and women. That's the first time
we've ever done that. So that's going to be cool. Um, and then also, um, my books are open. You
guys should be receiving an email about that. So I have a few coaching slots available for one-on-one
if you've ever wanted to do that with me, this is now, this is a time definitely email in about that
ASAP, if you're interested. And there was one more thing. Um, oh, our, we we're working on
releasing the first phase of our, uh, new last year, single app. So the app that you guys know
and love is going to be going bye-byes and the new one is going to be available. And the good
news is not only going to have your curriculum and your coaching and your replays and all the
good things that you've come to know and love, but it also will have the ability to act as a
community-based dating app, um, a community-based matchmaking app, I should say, where you get to
play matchmaker, where you get to be your own matchmaker.
where you get to really interact with each other
and with a lot of people in our ecosystem,
because our ecosystem is pretty large.
Not just the people in this program,
but people that are connected to success stories
in this program and people that are connected
to other people that we affiliate with in different things.
Just a huge group of men and women that are single,
that are also Christians and kingdom-minded people,
and it's gonna be great.
I'm very excited about it.
All right, Camille, you're up,
and then Camilla, you're up, and then we gotta go.
Go ahead.
Hi, hi, Jackie.
I'm just looking after my granddaughter,
so I'm gonna say this as quick as I can before she started.
Okay, go ahead, yes.
I went on a meetup with someone that I met on a dating app,
and when I got there, he was already sitting down
with a glass of water,
so then I just didn't really feel like going
and ordering anything, so we did talk, and then-
Okay, so he had you meet him at a restaurant
or a coffee shop, and when you got there,
he was already sitting down with a glass of water.
Right, at a coffee shop.
Did he order any coffee?
No.
Okay, so basically what he was saying was,
I'm not drinking any coffee, I met you here
because it's the lowest possible stakes I could have,
and I'm not gonna buy your coffee either.
Right, and it was near where he lives.
Yeah, I mean, for me, that's already a no.
That's what I thought, that was,
because that's what you had talked about
in the heart work in one of the videos,
that if he's not willing to buy you, yeah, order for you.
It's not even about buying the cup of coffee,
it's about, if you invite someone to come somewhere,
you should at least offer,
even if you're not drinking coffee,
to buy their cup of coffee,
and the fact that he was already sitting down
and already got his, so that you'd be forced
to go up and get your own,
to me, that's not someone who actually
is really that interested in meeting up with you
or really that interested in what this could possibly be.
I mean, cup of coffee nowadays is what, $4.50?
I mean, get over it.
So how did the conversation go?
Should we even ask?
Yeah, it was mainly about him, himself, yeah.
Did any of the part about himself
include why he was too cheap
to buy a $4.50 cup of coffee?
Right, yeah.
I'm just curious.
Yeah, no, he just said he just felt like having water.
Yeah, but I did feel like,
I was trying to be open-minded,
but afterwards, yeah, I just felt like it was a,
that was a turn off or whatever, right away.
Okay, so gentlemen, we're not beating up
on you guys tonight because if a woman does this,
then same thing, what I'm about to say.
But if you guys show up to a date
and the guy is like,
the whole date is just one big, long podcast about him,
okay, you just showed up to his TED Talk
and all he's doing is just talking about himself
the entire time, doesn't ask any questions about you,
not interested in getting to know you,
just wants to tell you all about himself
like you're on his fricking podcast,
then you give him one more chance
because sometimes nervous people talk too much.
But if he does that the second time,
this is just someone who just is full,
you know, just wants to hear themselves talk.
They're lonely, they don't have anyone to talk to
because they probably don't have any friends or family
or anything going for them.
And you know what?
You're not gonna be the one that's gonna sit there
and just listen to them yap away.
And same thing for you guys.
If you show up to a date
and all this woman wants to talk about is me, me, me, me,
then it's a no, okay?
People need to be genuinely interested
in getting to know you.
That's why we're on a date.
We already know ourselves.
We're not trying to get to know ourselves.
We're trying to get to know you, all right?
I need to be interested in you.
Dale Carnegie, how to win friends and influence people.
The very first thing he says is be interested in people,
be interested in them, get to know them,
ask them about themselves.
The quickest way to win anyone over y'all
is to ask them about themselves,
to ask them to tell you about themselves.
And so people should be doing that on these dates.
They should want to get to know you.
They should tell you something about themselves,
but they should say then enough about me, tell me about you.
That is a mature communicator.
That is what we want.
And I know y'all are afraid like, oh my gosh,
all men talk.
talk about themselves nonstop,
or talk about whatever it is that they wanna talk about.
So how am I even gonna get a date
if I put this law into, or this rule into play?
There are people who know how to have a conversation.
I say something, then you say something,
and then I say something, and then you say something.
That's the way it works, okay?
Seriously, that's the way it works.
And by this age, we should know how it works.
All right, no yappers.
No yappers, okay.
This whole money thing,
I wanna say this thing before we end.
I have been helping way too many women
get out of relationships
where they are being financially abused.
They need to get out.
They're not just getting out because of financial abuse,
but that's the reason why they can't get out.
And some of you have this story.
You stayed married way longer than you should have
because you were a stay-at-home mom
or whatever, whatever.
You didn't have the income to leave.
Ladies, don't find yourself in this kind of situation.
And one of the ways that you're gonna not find yourself
in this situation is you're gonna make sure
that you get your money in order
before you get out in these dating streets.
A man should never be your financial plan.
Not for retirement, not for a second income,
not for a dinner, not for anything.
A man should not be a financial plan.
If you show up to a date and God forbid,
this man decides that he wants to go 50-50
or he doesn't wanna pay for your food,
you better have money to pay for your own food.
Yeah, that's not very chivalrous
and you're probably not gonna go out with him again,
but you need to be able to pay for your own food
before you go on a date.
Do not ever accept a date anywhere to any restaurant
if you know that you can't cover your half of the bill,
just in case you need to.
Okay?
Men are not financial plans.
We do not live in the year 1910.
This is not your key to a better future.
You gotta get your own money in order.
You gotta get your own debt in order.
Gentlemen, if you ask a lady on a date,
then you need to pay for her, okay?
If you can't afford to go somewhere really swanky, don't.
I don't even like swanky dates.
I don't think people should do that
on first, second, third, fourth, fifth dates.
I don't think it should be about
transactional things like that.
I think it should be about getting to know that person.
So when you're asking yourself, where should I take my date?
The very first question you should say,
where can we really talk?
Some of these restaurants are so loud,
you can't even hear yourself think, let alone talk.
They're so loud.
Take my poor little 86-year-old father-in-law
out to lunch after church,
and he can't even hear anything any of us are saying to him
because it's so loud in these restaurants.
Where can we talk?
Where can we get to know each other?
The most important aspect of dates one, two, three,
four, five are communicating.
So ask yourself, where can we communicate best and go there?
And gentlemen, if she doesn't want to do a walk
or a coffee for a first date, she's probably not the one.
If she says stuff like, I only accept drink dates,
I only accept dinner dates,
bye, Felicia, and no offense to Felicia,
I forgot we have a Felicia here.
Felicia, you're not the one we're saying goodbye to.
That's from a movie from the 90s, a good movie.
Well, actually, it's probably not.
I probably wasn't safe when I saw that movie,
so forget everything I said.
All right, but here's what I want to say.
If she only accepts dinner dates, then she's transactional,
and you don't want a woman like that.
You want a woman who wants to get to know you,
not a woman who wants to know how much money you have
or how much money you're willing to spend on her.
That's no good.
All right, all right, you guys, we have fun as always.
Oh, oh, I forgot, here's my next announcement.
I am doing a fall book club.
It's going to start on August.
You guys, you can believe fall is almost here now?
Can you believe we're like six weeks away from fall,
six and a half weeks?
Okay, so I'm gonna start the book club on August 18th,
and it's gonna end on the first day of fall, September 22nd.
It will be five weeks long.
It will be five weeks of coaching with me.
If you want to do the book club this summer,
but you are too busy, this is the one for you.
We're gonna go ahead and start putting out the APB for that.
So if you want to get signed up for that,
get signed up for that.
Cheryl, I'll give you the new link.
You can put it in the resource page of the groups
and watch your emails for all these fun,
exciting announcements, and we'll see you all.
You guys have a really good Supernatural Saturday.
You better get there.
It's gonna be a real good one.
It's gonna be a life-changing one,
and I know that they're all really good.
Trust me, they're Supernatural for me as well.
but this one is gonna be a real good one.
So if you can be there live, try to be there live.
I'll see you soon.
Bye.