WEBVTT

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All right, you guys, we see how we have all kinds of states represented.

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We have some other countries here, people that are staying up till two or three o'clock

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in the morning to join us live.

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That is dedication.

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And for those of you that, you know, it's Sunday, it's hard, you know, but you decided

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to give up your Sunday evenings for this, me too.

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So I know Sunday evenings are kind of a reset time for a lot of people, but the reason why

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I offered it on Sunday was because I wanted people to have an opportunity to do it that

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just could not make a weeknight work.

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And so we're all here making that sacrifice, but remember, nothing that you invest into

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is going to return to you without an increase or a harvest.

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Do you believe that?

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Do you believe that there's a harvest attached to things that you invest into?

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If you sow a seed in the ground, there's a natural process in which if that seed is watered

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and tended to, it is going to grow into something.

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It's going to grow into a plant and perhaps it's a fruit bearing plant of some kind.

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And so friends, this is the same thing.

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You're investing into your love story.

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You're investing into your mental and emotional and spiritual health in this book club.

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You're investing into your dating life or your non dating life.

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For some of you, you're investing into your, um, specifically your, uh, attachment style,

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your relational health.

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And so that is going to yield fruit and increase and breakthrough for you.

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And so I'm excited for all of you that took this time and are really doing the work.

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You can't just sign up.

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You have to show up.

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I often say that.

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I'm going to say it again.

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Now you can't just sign up.

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You have to show up.

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And so if you have missed any of the sessions, make sure that you go back and watch the replays.

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They're all there for you in your app.

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So watch those replays so that you can get the full picture of where we're going.

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So we're going to, before we jump into today's coaching, we're going to talk about our non

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negotiables and I just want to do a little bit of extended teaching on the non-negotiables.

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Some of you have made some really good lists.

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I'm proud of you, uh, if you really pressed in, uh, to this assignment and that's incredible.

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Some of you have a lot of preferences still mixed in, a lot of preferences still mixed

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in.

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Okay.

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So hiding the peas and the mashed potatoes, hiding the medicine and the peanut butter.

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I get it.

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I get it that you want those preferences.

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I get that they're so important to you and you've waited so long and you just want to

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make sure that this person is everything that you want them to be and you just want to be

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attracted to them and you're just so worried that that's not going to happen.

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I remember I had a male client and not to throw anybody under the bus, I didn't put

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it in the book, but I've had several male and female clients like this.

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Not just men.

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Ladies.

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I know it's so easy.

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Men are just such easy targets when it comes to this subject because so many of them have

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a lot of references.

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Uh, but this particular man said to me with a straight face, like face to face said to

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me that he had to have a wife.

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He had never been married.

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He was in his fifties, never been married, never even had a longterm girlfriend.

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And he said to me, I have to marry a woman that has big bazookas.

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Okay.

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That's what he said.

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And they couldn't be fake.

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They had to be the real deal.

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The real McCoy.

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Okay.

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I was like, what?

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Needless to say, this man is still single.

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And it's not because women don't have big bazookas out there.

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It's because when you have that mindset, there's usually something behind it that needs to

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be dealt with.

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Ladies, if your guy has to be tall as an Oak tree and you're small as a mouse, there's

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something behind that that you got to deal with a mindset that the masculine has to be

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big and strong in order for you to feel little and submissive, you know, whatever it is.

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Now, if you're tall like me, I understand that you want to feel feminine at some level.

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And so you don't want to marry a man who's five, five.

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If you are five, 10, five, 11, six feet tall.

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I get that.

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You don't want to feel like you're his mom when you're out in public together.

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So I get it.

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I understand.

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But a lot of you have, if you're honest with yourself, some preferences that are also.

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so attached to some unhealed trauma, some unhealed trauma.

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I literally had a woman once who told me

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that she could never date anyone named,

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I think it was Kevin.

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If I remember correctly, it was Kevin.

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She's like, anybody but a Kevin.

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I mean, what if you meet a really amazing Kevin?

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I mean, it's a weird deal breaker.

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It's a weird deal breaker.

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And obviously, as you might guess,

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it's attached to trauma.

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It's attached to the trauma of Kevin, the bad Kevin,

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Kevon, Kevon the bad guy, okay?

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And so, yeah, we don't want that.

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We don't need that.

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We gotta get rid of that

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because you might meet a really amazing Kevin

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and just in case, just in case,

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we just wanna make sure

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that we are unpacking these boxes fully

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so that we have a big, nice open space

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in order to make room for love, right?

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Yes, yes.

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So let's do a little bit more,

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little bit more teaching on non-negotiables

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and then we're gonna share some

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and I'll let you guys ask me,

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is this a non-negotiable or is this a preference?

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Is this a deal breaker or is this what I want?

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Okay, well, and good news for all of you

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that have been on the Dating App Pause,

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you get unpaused today.

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So in the teaching,

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you should have made it to the reading in the book

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where I say the pause is over.

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And so there've been several weeks of a pause.

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You should be almost a month into the pause.

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You guys, this is our fourth week.

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Can you believe it?

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Time has just flown by.

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I hope you've been having as much fun as me

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because I've been having a lot of fun.

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So you're gonna unpause,

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but we're gonna unpause the right way.

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We'll do that in a second, not a second,

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but later on in teaching today,

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we'll talk about the unpause

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and how we're going to approach the apps differently.

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Now, if you're on a pause for a different reason,

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if you legitimately feel like,

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hey, I don't wanna go back to this,

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I'm not ready to go back to this,

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this isn't something that I wanna do

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for the rest of the summer,

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or maybe even going into the fall,

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like I'm committed to in-person relationship right now.

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So I'm staying off the apps,

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I'm staying off the internet.

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I feel before God that it's not good for me

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and I'm not gonna do it right now,

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then by all means, stay paused.

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But for those of you that don't have any of those barriers

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and you've been paused simply because I asked you to pause,

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then you guys are gonna be unpaused, okay?

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All right.

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Let's talk about the non-negotiables versus deal-breakers.

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I mean, non-negotiables, deal-breakers versus preferences.

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So the very first thing that I want to tell you is,

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can you know this thing in the first 30 days,

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30 to 60 days of knowing them?

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This is what I want your deal-breaker list to have on it.

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I want it to be something that you can find out

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through relationship, not through an interview,

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not through an interrogation,

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but it's something that you can see naturally

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about this person in the first 30 to 60 days.

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If it takes six months to figure out,

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you guys, do you understand why I want it

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to be something you can see in the first 30 to 60 days?

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Who thinks they know why?

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That's my rule.

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Who thinks they know why?

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That's my rule.

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Raise your hand.

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Why do you think I want you to be able to see this thing

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in the first 30 to 60 days?

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Yes, Wendy, I don't want you wasting your time.

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If this is something that you honestly will not be able

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to see about this person for six months or more,

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now you're in a six-month relationship

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that you have to end.

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Does that suck or what?

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You don't want that, do you?

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I don't want that.

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I don't want that for you.

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And so that's why this has to be stuff

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that you can really see very quickly and easily.

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Now, does that mean six months into a relationship,

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this person is not gonna do something behavioral-wise?

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It's not on your deal-breaker list.

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It's just deal-breakers that are, duh.

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I don't need you to put on your deal-breaker list,

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they're not a cheater, they're not a liar,

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schemer, deceiver, user, abuser,

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liar, beater, cheater.

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You don't have to put that on your non-negotiables

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because that is a given.

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And it is possible that you can be with someone

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for six, nine months, maybe even a year,

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and then all of a sudden,

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they get involved in some kind of bad behavior

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and you're like, wow, I didn't see that coming.

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That happens.

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But that's not about what this is.

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This is a short list of principles about your life,

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about who you are as a person,

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that you know that if this other person

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doesn't either match those things,

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like they have those things or they don't have those things,

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like someone put non-smoker up,

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I mean, that can be on your non-negotiable list.

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Active addictions can be on your non-negotiable list.

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I feel like those are no-brainers though, you guys.

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Obviously, those are no-brainers.

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I mean, raise your hand if you are someone who is looking for someone who's

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actively addicted to be in a relationship with anybody out there, you want an

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addict, someone who's not working on it, they're not sober, they're just actively

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just using, and that's like, wow, that's sexy.

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I'm looking for that.

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Anybody, anybody, anybody?

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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And we all know that smoking is bad for us.

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So most people don't want someone with a smoking habit.

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Now that being said, could it be possible that you could fall in love with

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someone who is trying to quit smoking?

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They're actively really trying to quit smoking.

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Drinking's kind of different.

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Okay.

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Drinking's kind of different, but actively trying to quit smoking, they're

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chewing the gum, they're wearing the patch, they're doing the things, you

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know, yeah, I mean, you could.

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It's possible depending on how you feel about that and how you feel about, you

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know, being willing to support them in trying to create a healthier lifestyle.

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Now, things that alter your personality, like alcohol and drugs, that's different.

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Smoking's a bad habit.

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It makes you smell.

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It's bad for your lungs, bad for your health.

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It's bad for so many things, but it doesn't alter your personality.

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You guys see what I'm talking about?

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Talking about mind-altering drugs, and I'm talking about non-mind-altering

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drugs, like chewing tobacco and smoking.

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Yes, it's dirty habit.

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Yes, I don't like it.

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I wouldn't want it.

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I don't like the smell of it.

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I don't want someone damaging their health that way, but could you be in

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relationship with someone who is actively trying to quit that?

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You might be able to.

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Okay.

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You might be able to.

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All right.

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All right.

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Can you know this in the first 60 days?

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Can you reasonably determine this thing early?

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And here's some examples of things that you could reasonably determine very early

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that could be on this non-negotiable list.

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Faith, their level of relationship with God.

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You guys, it's pretty easy to see pretty quickly.

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Okay.

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00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:14.880
As you're getting to know someone, it's easy to see marriage mindedness.

252
00:12:15.920 --> 00:12:17.320
Are they marriage curious?

253
00:12:17.440 --> 00:12:21.920
Are they someone who just is wasting your time or are they really marriage minded?

254
00:12:21.920 --> 00:12:26.200
Does their life show that they are really commitment, long-term relationship?

255
00:12:26.520 --> 00:12:28.800
Um, you know, marriage minded.

256
00:12:29.520 --> 00:12:31.920
Also something you're going to be able to see really quickly is do they

257
00:12:31.920 --> 00:12:33.640
have capacity for a relationship?

258
00:12:33.640 --> 00:12:35.480
Have they made room for a relationship?

259
00:12:37.920 --> 00:12:40.920
You know, say they're divorced and they have shared parenting and they have all

260
00:12:40.920 --> 00:12:45.720
kinds of drama with their former spouse and drama with their kids and their kids

261
00:12:45.720 --> 00:12:49.200
are having all kinds of mental health issues and behavioral issues, and

262
00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:50.360
they're constantly at the school.

263
00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:53.640
They might be a great person, but is that someone who's ready to

264
00:12:53.640 --> 00:12:55.720
start dating you towards marriage?

265
00:12:56.960 --> 00:12:58.560
This is where people will get messed up.

266
00:12:58.560 --> 00:13:00.400
They actually were like, Oh, I can help them.

267
00:13:00.400 --> 00:13:01.920
I'll just sign up to help them.

268
00:13:01.960 --> 00:13:04.600
No, no.

269
00:13:06.400 --> 00:13:09.120
Let them get their life to a stable place.

270
00:13:09.160 --> 00:13:13.480
And then, you know, I mean, if you run back into them or whatever, but

271
00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:15.360
you don't want to jump into that.

272
00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:18.480
You don't want to jump into some, someone who's in a custody battle.

273
00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:22.160
This is why I always say, and people always want to just, you know, get me

274
00:13:22.160 --> 00:13:25.960
in a corner about, Hey, you know, can I start getting to know someone

275
00:13:25.960 --> 00:13:27.560
who's not legally divorced?

276
00:13:28.400 --> 00:13:32.800
Can I start getting to know them if they're not divorced on paper?

277
00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:37.360
And I don't want to answer that question because first of all, I've known a lot

278
00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:40.480
of people that have come through my programs that their divorce has taken

279
00:13:40.480 --> 00:13:43.800
10 years or more because of the country that they live in because

280
00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:45.680
their former spouse disappeared.

281
00:13:45.800 --> 00:13:49.480
I helped one woman whose husband could not be found.

282
00:13:49.480 --> 00:13:54.120
And eventually after three years, they were able to like publish, they

283
00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:57.440
like published a divorce announcement in the newspapers.

284
00:13:57.680 --> 00:14:00.560
And if he doesn't answer, do we even have newspapers?

285
00:14:00.920 --> 00:14:01.920
He doesn't answer.

286
00:14:01.920 --> 00:14:05.440
It's like a public notice wherever they post public notices.

287
00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.640
And if he doesn't answer, then she gets to officially be divorced.

288
00:14:08.640 --> 00:14:09.880
Have you ever heard of this kind of stuff?

289
00:14:10.280 --> 00:14:14.280
There's people that are in all kinds of different situations, you guys.

290
00:14:14.600 --> 00:14:18.280
And so the bottom line is, is that we like, well, well, if they're still going

291
00:14:18.280 --> 00:14:20.040
through divorce, that means that they haven't healed yet.

292
00:14:20.040 --> 00:14:20.720
They haven't done the work.

293
00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:21.840
Well, that's not necessarily true.

294
00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:24.720
Some people have been separated for many years.

295
00:14:25.080 --> 00:14:27.000
Some people were separated in the marriage.

296
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:30.720
I know a guy who's getting remarried, who was living in separate bedrooms

297
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:32.480
from his wife for seven years.

298
00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:35.840
Why would you even put up with that for seven years and then separate

299
00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:38.440
houses, still married, separate houses.

300
00:14:38.880 --> 00:14:42.080
You guys, these are, these are not people who probably need to still do healing.

301
00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:43.480
These are people that have done therapy.

302
00:14:43.480 --> 00:14:44.360
They're in therapy.

303
00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:47.360
They've been in therapy for a long time, but for whatever reason, whether it's

304
00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.440
custody, whether it's shared property, whether it's bankruptcy, something is

305
00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:52.280
keeping them from legally being divorced.

306
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.000
And so I don't want to answer that question.

307
00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:55.880
That's between you and them and God.

308
00:14:57.040 --> 00:14:59.960
But I will tell you this, if they don't have.

309
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.160
capacity for a relationship because they are in the middle of World War III.

310
00:15:03.160 --> 00:15:05.880
They're in the middle of War of the Roses with their former spouse.

311
00:15:06.160 --> 00:15:07.160
Don't sign up for that.

312
00:15:07.520 --> 00:15:12.080
Do not sign up for someone who is going through a horrible,

313
00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:14.480
contentious divorce.

314
00:15:14.760 --> 00:15:19.760
Don't sign up to be with someone who's got all kinds of instability going on

315
00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:20.920
and swirling around them.

316
00:15:20.920 --> 00:15:23.240
This is something that you're going to be able to see in the first 30 to 60

317
00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:25.720
days. You're going to be able to see their integrity.

318
00:15:25.720 --> 00:15:29.520
Your non-negotiables going to have to do with honesty and integrity.

319
00:15:29.920 --> 00:15:32.280
That's something that you're going to see really quickly.

320
00:15:32.800 --> 00:15:36.200
Your non-negotiables going to have to do with generosity and kindness.

321
00:15:36.640 --> 00:15:40.160
You know, someone who, you know, you don't want a selfish person.

322
00:15:40.160 --> 00:15:44.280
You don't not want a selfish spouse. I always tell you ladies,

323
00:15:44.280 --> 00:15:47.800
especially find a kind man. You know, today I was on my way home,

324
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:52.760
went to church earlier, went out to eat with my son and his new wife,

325
00:15:53.040 --> 00:15:54.000
my niece,

326
00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:57.720
my husband showed up later cause he was with his elderly father this morning.

327
00:15:57.720 --> 00:16:00.920
And then we went over to our venue. We own a venue here in Austin,

328
00:16:00.920 --> 00:16:03.320
like a coworking coffee and podcasting space.

329
00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:04.560
I went over there for a little while,

330
00:16:04.800 --> 00:16:08.440
worked with my husband and then I left and I called my husband cause I said,

331
00:16:08.640 --> 00:16:12.360
Hey, you might beat me home because I'm going to have to stop to get gas.

332
00:16:12.400 --> 00:16:17.400
I saw that my gas gauge said I had like 18 miles left until empty and it's at

333
00:16:17.480 --> 00:16:22.000
least 30 miles home. So I'm like, eh, and he's like, just, you know, just,

334
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.600
he's like, just pull over there at Vaquero. He said,

335
00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:26.080
and I'll meet you there and pump your gas.

336
00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:29.400
He wasn't going to let me pump my own gas because he never lets me pump my own

337
00:16:29.400 --> 00:16:30.720
gas. Now I could have done it.

338
00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:34.920
It was right there and he was down the road a couple miles still at our venue,

339
00:16:34.920 --> 00:16:38.520
but he left and came and pump my gas for me.

340
00:16:39.800 --> 00:16:42.720
So I want you to think when you're building your non-negotiable list,

341
00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:45.560
I'm not talking about preferences. I'm talking about character.

342
00:16:45.880 --> 00:16:49.720
I'm talking about generosity. I'm talking about humility.

343
00:16:49.720 --> 00:16:53.080
I'm talking about integrity. I'm talking about kindness.

344
00:16:54.680 --> 00:16:56.240
I'm talking about serving one another.

345
00:16:56.280 --> 00:16:58.880
These things can be on your non-negotiable list.

346
00:17:01.960 --> 00:17:03.440
I love it that I don't pump my own gas.

347
00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:06.640
And I'm not saying I never ever have in the marriage because there's sometimes

348
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:10.319
where he's just simply never nowhere near me and I need gas.

349
00:17:10.560 --> 00:17:14.040
I can't just run out of gas on principle. Okay.

350
00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:17.440
Did I say that it was his job to pump my gas? Gentlemen,

351
00:17:17.560 --> 00:17:20.480
I don't want you to get twisted. I didn't. He said it was his job.

352
00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:25.119
He said it was his job to pump my gas. And so I'm not going to argue with that.

353
00:17:25.119 --> 00:17:30.040
It's 180,000 house front porch degrees here in Austin, Texas.

354
00:17:30.040 --> 00:17:32.520
And if I don't have to get out of the air conditioned car and stand in the heat

355
00:17:32.800 --> 00:17:36.000
and pay $60 at the gas pump,

356
00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:39.880
then I won't. Okay. Um,

357
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:43.200
emotional availability, your non-negotiables, you know,

358
00:17:43.640 --> 00:17:46.280
you're going to be able to see really quickly and getting to know someone

359
00:17:46.280 --> 00:17:50.920
whether or not they're open, whether or not they're letting you in,

360
00:17:50.920 --> 00:17:54.320
whether or not they're sharing themselves with you. And you know, uh,

361
00:17:54.360 --> 00:17:57.000
whether or not, you know, there, there's probably going to be some,

362
00:17:57.200 --> 00:17:59.760
maybe not a disagreement in the first 30 to 60 days,

363
00:18:00.040 --> 00:18:03.320
but there's going to be something that may be a misunderstanding,

364
00:18:03.320 --> 00:18:07.320
some sort of inconvenience that happens. I write about that in the book.

365
00:18:07.400 --> 00:18:10.200
How do they handle that? That can be your non-negotiables,

366
00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:14.280
someone who is willing to repair someone who's willing to admit that they're

367
00:18:14.280 --> 00:18:18.440
wrong. And those are really important things. Honesty is really important.

368
00:18:19.360 --> 00:18:23.680
Honesty is really, really important, you know? So, um,

369
00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:26.200
so anyway, number, so rule number one,

370
00:18:26.200 --> 00:18:29.240
can you know this thing in the first 30 to 60 days?

371
00:18:29.840 --> 00:18:34.080
And then rule number two about your non-negotiable deal breaker list,

372
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:38.080
protect the principle instead of the preference,

373
00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:40.400
protect the principle of it. Okay.

374
00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:44.000
So don't hide your preferences like the peas and the mashed potatoes.

375
00:18:44.360 --> 00:18:46.960
Don't hide them in a bigger category. People do this all the time.

376
00:18:46.960 --> 00:18:50.960
Like they'll put, I want someone who's healthy. That's a non-negotiable.

377
00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:54.800
They have to be healthy. And then they'll define it as likes hiking,

378
00:18:54.800 --> 00:18:57.840
likes biking, likes camping. I'm just going to tell you right now,

379
00:18:57.840 --> 00:19:00.440
I ain't camping with you. And that doesn't make me a bad person.

380
00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:03.760
And you don't have to have someone who wants to camp the same way that you want

381
00:19:03.760 --> 00:19:06.800
to camp unless you actually live in a tent and you're like, Hey,

382
00:19:06.800 --> 00:19:10.560
you want to live in a tent with me? Okay. But they don't have to like it.

383
00:19:10.560 --> 00:19:14.400
My version of camping is cabining. Okay.

384
00:19:14.480 --> 00:19:17.920
I'll go to a cabin with you. I'm not going to be in a tent with you.

385
00:19:18.080 --> 00:19:22.960
I'm not going to be a bear snack for you. There's no way that's happening.

386
00:19:23.000 --> 00:19:25.960
Okay. Likes natural remedies.

387
00:19:28.600 --> 00:19:32.320
No. Now there is one caveat here,

388
00:19:32.320 --> 00:19:33.880
and I wish that I didn't have to say this,

389
00:19:33.880 --> 00:19:35.040
but I'm going to go ahead and say it.

390
00:19:35.360 --> 00:19:37.840
There are people that are so,

391
00:19:37.840 --> 00:19:42.840
so close minded to anyone who has had any kind of different health journey as

392
00:19:43.600 --> 00:19:48.080
them, meaning like vaxxed, unvaxxed, this, that, whatever.

393
00:19:48.720 --> 00:19:49.560
Okay.

394
00:19:50.760 --> 00:19:53.120
If that's you and you know yourself,

395
00:19:53.120 --> 00:19:57.640
and you know that you cannot be happy with someone who, instead of,

396
00:19:58.000 --> 00:19:59.440
you know, uh,

397
00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:00.520
medicine.

398
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.360
It's hating and getting in the, you know, the hypo, uh, what's it called?

399
00:20:05.360 --> 00:20:07.360
The hyperbaric oxygen chamber.

400
00:20:07.360 --> 00:20:09.420
They, they pop an Advil instead.

401
00:20:09.660 --> 00:20:12.120
And you're just like, no, I just can't be with you.

402
00:20:12.300 --> 00:20:12.720
Okay.

403
00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:15.980
If that's you, then, you know, know thyself.

404
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.680
If that's the truth, then that's the truth.

405
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:24.320
If you're that extreme with anything, it probably needs to get on your non

406
00:20:24.320 --> 00:20:26.880
negotiable list because you're obviously not going to be happy with

407
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:28.880
someone who's not extreme.

408
00:20:29.720 --> 00:20:30.200
Okay.

409
00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:34.080
If you're a major conspiracy theorist and you don't think it's a conspiracy,

410
00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:35.680
you think it's true.

411
00:20:36.360 --> 00:20:36.640
Okay.

412
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:39.240
You're a flat earther and you're like, the earth is flat.

413
00:20:39.320 --> 00:20:43.320
Then you probably better marry someone who also thinks the earth is flat too.

414
00:20:43.400 --> 00:20:43.880
Okay.

415
00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:46.480
Because the earth's not flat.

416
00:20:46.520 --> 00:20:46.840
All right.

417
00:20:47.160 --> 00:20:47.640
Okay.

418
00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:50.360
Rule three, fight me.

419
00:20:50.540 --> 00:20:50.880
Okay.

420
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:55.880
Rule three, don't lump five deal breakers into one.

421
00:20:56.880 --> 00:20:59.680
So you might be healthy, healthy lifestyle.

422
00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:00.760
That's the deal breaker.

423
00:21:00.760 --> 00:21:02.360
They have to have a healthy lifestyle.

424
00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:03.640
Okay.

425
00:21:03.760 --> 00:21:06.720
But you have to ask yourself, why am I saying this?

426
00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:08.240
What am I trying to protect?

427
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:10.840
That's the question you want to ask yourself.

428
00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:11.960
Why does this deal?

429
00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:12.520
Why is this?

430
00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:14.000
Why is this a deal breaker to me?

431
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:15.200
What am I trying to protect?

432
00:21:15.480 --> 00:21:18.600
And what you might find out is that you are trying to protect that.

433
00:21:18.600 --> 00:21:19.640
You don't want to smoke her.

434
00:21:19.640 --> 00:21:20.520
You don't want to drink her.

435
00:21:20.520 --> 00:21:22.560
You don't want someone who's ever used drugs.

436
00:21:22.760 --> 00:21:24.240
You don't want someone who's vax.

437
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:28.520
You don't want someone who, um, has an inactive lifestyle.

438
00:21:28.680 --> 00:21:29.600
Do you see what I'm saying?

439
00:21:29.760 --> 00:21:34.640
You have to ask yourself what's behind this so that you understand what it

440
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:36.600
is that you're trying to protect.

441
00:21:37.560 --> 00:21:40.000
And then that is what you make the deal breaker.

442
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:41.720
Okay.

443
00:21:42.520 --> 00:21:45.720
The deal breaker is I want someone who takes good care of themselves so

444
00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:47.160
that they can live a long life.

445
00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:52.320
Someone who is taking care of themself, who is active and is healthy.

446
00:21:52.320 --> 00:21:52.840
Okay.

447
00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:54.560
Um, you guys following me?

448
00:21:54.600 --> 00:21:55.560
You tracking up on it?

449
00:21:56.720 --> 00:21:57.400
Rule one, two, three.

450
00:21:57.400 --> 00:21:57.680
Okay.

451
00:21:58.000 --> 00:21:58.480
Four.

452
00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:01.320
What was number three?

453
00:22:01.320 --> 00:22:02.360
That was number three.

454
00:22:02.360 --> 00:22:04.760
Don't lump five deal breakers into one.

455
00:22:10.360 --> 00:22:10.560
Yeah.

456
00:22:10.560 --> 00:22:11.840
Ruth wants to keep them alive.

457
00:22:11.840 --> 00:22:13.280
She's like, let's just keep them alive.

458
00:22:13.280 --> 00:22:13.760
Okay.

459
00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:14.640
Okay.

460
00:22:16.640 --> 00:22:19.960
And ladies, I know that there's a stereotype that men die earlier and

461
00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:20.560
blah, blah, blah.

462
00:22:20.560 --> 00:22:23.240
But there are more women dying earlier all the time.

463
00:22:24.040 --> 00:22:27.360
The number one killer of women prematurely is heart disease.

464
00:22:27.360 --> 00:22:30.480
I know you think that that's a man's disease, but it is not.

465
00:22:31.080 --> 00:22:34.520
And it is from obesity is from uncontrolled blood sugar.

466
00:22:34.960 --> 00:22:35.240
Okay.

467
00:22:35.240 --> 00:22:36.640
It's from inflammation.

468
00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:38.160
It's from inactivity.

469
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:42.280
And so please don't think that, you know, you're going to carry around an extra

470
00:22:42.280 --> 00:22:48.600
40 pounds, 50 pounds of, of inflammation and fat, you know, for, for 40 years.

471
00:22:48.600 --> 00:22:51.320
And it not affect your heart because it's going to, all right.

472
00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:53.760
So let's not just say, Oh, we've got to keep these men alive.

473
00:22:53.760 --> 00:22:55.520
No, you've got to keep yourself alive too.

474
00:22:55.960 --> 00:22:56.280
All right.

475
00:22:56.800 --> 00:23:03.360
Number four, always character over chemistry, always character over chemistry.

476
00:23:03.760 --> 00:23:04.200
Okay.

477
00:23:04.280 --> 00:23:07.080
The chemistry are going to be your preferences and that's great.

478
00:23:07.080 --> 00:23:11.760
We want some of those, but always go after character first over chemistry.

479
00:23:12.640 --> 00:23:15.520
So the strongest non-negotiables that you're going to have are going to be

480
00:23:15.520 --> 00:23:19.360
about what I already said, faith, character, capacity, integrity,

481
00:23:19.560 --> 00:23:22.560
emotional availability, financial wisdom.

482
00:23:22.600 --> 00:23:26.080
That can be a non-negotiable, but it cannot be a non-negotiable unless

483
00:23:26.080 --> 00:23:27.560
it's your non-negotiable too.

484
00:23:27.840 --> 00:23:31.920
Don't be, you know, tens of thousands of dollars in debt and be

485
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:33.360
like, they have to be debt-free.

486
00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:36.000
They have to be financially responsible.

487
00:23:37.120 --> 00:23:40.000
They have to have saved for retirement.

488
00:23:40.480 --> 00:23:41.960
Saved for retirement.

489
00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:46.560
They have to be able to give me a, a cushy life.

490
00:23:49.640 --> 00:23:50.680
It doesn't work that way.

491
00:23:50.880 --> 00:23:53.920
You don't get to be the grasshopper that plays all summer and then

492
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:57.000
goes and marries an aunt that's been working hard all their lives.

493
00:23:57.960 --> 00:24:01.520
You know, you don't, I'm not saying that those relationships don't happen.

494
00:24:01.520 --> 00:24:05.360
Sometimes people don't fall in love, but that can't be your non-negotiable.

495
00:24:05.640 --> 00:24:06.960
Just like being active.

496
00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:08.160
Can't be your non-negotiable.

497
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:12.120
If you're not active, none of these can be your non-negotiable.

498
00:24:12.160 --> 00:24:13.440
If it's not true of you.

499
00:24:13.760 --> 00:24:14.000
All right.

500
00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:17.000
Some other non-negotiables that are character over chemistry,

501
00:24:17.520 --> 00:24:22.080
besides financial wisdom and financial fidelity is teachability.

502
00:24:23.280 --> 00:24:28.040
Who wants to marry someone who just is, is stubborn, close-minded,

503
00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:32.400
thinks they know everything, thinks they're always right.

504
00:24:34.520 --> 00:24:36.200
No, that sounds terrible.

505
00:24:36.200 --> 00:24:36.720
Okay.

506
00:24:36.960 --> 00:24:40.640
So, and, and once again, ladies, that when I'm not describing a man right now,

507
00:24:40.640 --> 00:24:44.160
I'm describing a personality and I've met lots of stubborn women,

508
00:24:44.640 --> 00:24:46.240
lots of stubborn women.

509
00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:50.320
In fact, gentlemen, you're one of your non-negotiables should be that she

510
00:24:50.320 --> 00:24:52.720
has a feminine heart and she is not bitter.

511
00:24:55.640 --> 00:24:56.560
She's forgiving.

512
00:24:56.560 --> 00:25:01.440
She's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not,

513
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:12.120
and loving. Trust me, you want a soft hearted woman. You do not want a hard hearted, bitter,

514
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:05.480
she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not, she's not,

515
00:25:12.120 --> 00:25:27.880
pickled in prune juice, frigid, rigid woman. Okay. I'm not beating up on you ladies. It's

516
00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:31.000
just a lot of times when we talk about this kind of stuff, we can just think we're talking

517
00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:37.160
about men and we're not. We're talking about women too. All right. So what are, what aren't

518
00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:44.360
deal breakers? Things like income, like a specific amount of income, height, hobbies,

519
00:25:44.360 --> 00:25:48.220
love languages, love languages are not deal breakers. You guys, first of all, you should

520
00:25:48.220 --> 00:25:53.440
become so well developed that you have all the love languages. I know, I know that one

521
00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:56.800
book says there's only five of them, but I think that there's other ways that people

522
00:25:56.800 --> 00:26:01.000
feel loved. I think there's other ways that our little love buckets get filled up besides

523
00:26:01.000 --> 00:26:07.480
those five things. Okay. And so you don't have to have the same ones. You just have

524
00:26:07.480 --> 00:26:12.520
to be people who are vulnerable, people who are authentic, people that are willing to

525
00:26:12.520 --> 00:26:21.440
give and to receive. That is what you want. Um, hair ladies, he doesn't have to have hair.

526
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:27.680
He doesn't. Now, gentlemen, I'm sure that you want a wife with hair. I understand. Um,

527
00:26:27.680 --> 00:26:30.640
she doesn't have to have hair. I mean, you could definitely fall in love with a woman

528
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:34.480
who for whatever reason doesn't have hair. Maybe she has alopecia. Maybe your hair is

529
00:26:34.480 --> 00:26:37.640
growing back after something that she's been through. I have seen it all. You guys, I've

530
00:26:37.640 --> 00:26:41.400
seen every kind of love story you can think of, but ladies seem to think that it's okay

531
00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:46.200
for them to put on their deal breaker list that he has to have hair. He can't have a

532
00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:51.480
receding hairline. He can't be bald. Why not? Why can't he? Why can't he? Cause unlike

533
00:26:51.480 --> 00:26:57.640
women, women, a lot of times if they don't have hair, um, it means there's some sort

534
00:26:57.640 --> 00:27:03.840
of health problem happening, a thyroid issue, um, some sort of disorder like alopecia, cancer,

535
00:27:03.840 --> 00:27:08.400
you know, some sort of treatment they're going through, whatever, whatever, whatever. Okay.

536
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:14.600
But with men, when they don't have hair, it's usually just a genetic recession of hair.

537
00:27:14.840 --> 00:27:25.680
Okay. So someone said bald is beautiful. That's great. But I do believe that don't, I don't

538
00:27:25.680 --> 00:27:30.080
believe that that's a deal breaker ladies for your guys. Okay. Also, they don't have

539
00:27:30.080 --> 00:27:34.040
to like the same kind of vacations that you like. You guys, these are all preferences

540
00:27:34.040 --> 00:27:38.400
and yes, it would be great to have your twin who just likes everything that you like, but

541
00:27:38.400 --> 00:27:42.400
that would be really boring after a while. It is fun to kind of change things up. Now

542
00:27:42.440 --> 00:27:47.160
you can't marry someone who's a polar opposite. You don't want to marry someone who just dislikes

543
00:27:47.160 --> 00:27:51.280
everything that you like and vice versa. That's going to be a nightmare. But just because

544
00:27:51.280 --> 00:27:55.280
it's not their favorite thing to do, maybe they've never even done it before. But as

545
00:27:55.280 --> 00:28:00.200
long as they're open to trying new things that needs to be, uh, that can be on your

546
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:05.040
deal breaker list. It's like, I need someone who's open minded. If you're, if you're a

547
00:28:05.040 --> 00:28:09.460
closed minded person, don't put that. But if you're an open minded person who likes

548
00:28:09.460 --> 00:28:14.900
to try new things, if you like change, that could be part of your thing. Like I need someone

549
00:28:14.900 --> 00:28:22.740
who's open to change. I do because I like change. David and I are both open to change.

550
00:28:22.740 --> 00:28:27.600
I like change. I get super bored doing the same thing day in and day out. I like to live

551
00:28:27.600 --> 00:28:31.620
a little bit of an adventurous life. And so if you're an adventurous person, that's not

552
00:28:31.620 --> 00:28:36.580
a preference. That's a deal breaker. You can't not be with someone. If you love to travel

553
00:28:36.580 --> 00:28:40.340
the world and see new cultures and do new things, then that is like the highlight of

554
00:28:40.340 --> 00:28:44.620
your life. You cannot be married to someone who is afraid to fly and has never left their

555
00:28:44.620 --> 00:28:51.060
own zip code and never will. That's not a match made in heaven. Okay. And that's something

556
00:28:51.060 --> 00:28:57.380
that you can see in the first 30, 60 days, isn't it? All right. I want, uh, wait, I have

557
00:28:57.380 --> 00:29:03.060
one more. I have two more. Uh, I already said it. Don't require your clone. They don't have

558
00:29:03.060 --> 00:29:07.700
to have everything you like. Remember this about shared values. It's about complimentary

559
00:29:07.700 --> 00:29:14.520
opposites. It's not about identical anything. And then the last one is don't confuse your

560
00:29:14.520 --> 00:29:19.300
ideal with a deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with dreaming. There's nothing wrong

561
00:29:19.300 --> 00:29:24.340
with dreaming big about your future marriage, but let God write in the details. You don't

562
00:29:24.340 --> 00:29:29.900
have to create a fantasy in your mind and then reject everyone who doesn't look like

563
00:29:29.900 --> 00:29:38.380
that. Make sense? You know, what's easier to do is actually create the type of person

564
00:29:38.380 --> 00:29:43.260
that you think that would be good for you with your deal breakers, an honest person,

565
00:29:43.260 --> 00:29:48.860
a person who's not afraid to share their feelings, a person who has good boundaries. You know,

566
00:29:48.860 --> 00:29:54.300
you can create that and then let God fill in like what they look like, you know, um,

567
00:29:54.300 --> 00:29:58.140
where they live. Like, you know, you don't have that. You don't have to fill that in.

568
00:29:58.140 --> 00:29:59.980
You can just fill in the structure.

569
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.960
And let God fill in the details

570
00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:09.480
You guys are out here building the house you're trying to pick the countertops you're trying to pick the door handles

571
00:30:09.480 --> 00:30:12.320
You're trying to pick the saw the faucets in the sink

572
00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:15.440
No

573
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:21.400
All right, okay, I think that's it for that if anyone has any questions

574
00:30:21.400 --> 00:30:26.600
Let's do a little bit around this and then we're gonna jump into chapter 7 chemistry is not compatibility

575
00:30:27.160 --> 00:30:29.280
we're gonna do some breakouts and

576
00:30:30.120 --> 00:30:36.080
We're gonna we're gonna have a good time. We're gonna give the rules around getting back into that dating app game

577
00:30:37.360 --> 00:30:39.600
As well and that's gonna be great

578
00:30:40.680 --> 00:30:44.880
All right. I'm gonna put you into some breakouts to talk about your final

579
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:50.640
Non-negotiable list and then I'll bring you back and let a couple of you share with me. Does that sound good?

580
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:54.360
I think that that's what we should do. So this is gonna be your final list

581
00:30:54.360 --> 00:30:57.440
Remember, it should have no more than 10 to 15 things on it

582
00:30:57.520 --> 00:31:04.560
I want you to read through that list really carefully and then if anyone sees something that you think is a really a preference

583
00:31:04.560 --> 00:31:08.200
It's peas hiding in the mashed potatoes or a mountain or yeah

584
00:31:10.240 --> 00:31:15.240
It should be the opposite shouldn't it because the peas are the are the deal-breakers and then they're the

585
00:31:15.480 --> 00:31:20.680
Yucky things and you're hiding them in the yummy things the mashed potatoes. So I think that it should be

586
00:31:21.360 --> 00:31:26.480
I'll figure that out because that doesn't make any sense to me now. All right, so if anyone hears anything

587
00:31:27.000 --> 00:31:29.680
That they think is a preference in disguise

588
00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:36.040
Then please let them know you guys do not be critical of each other

589
00:31:36.040 --> 00:31:41.040
Don't act like like someone's stupid. That's a preference stupid. Don't do that

590
00:31:42.360 --> 00:31:46.440
okay, be very respectful very honorable with each other and

591
00:31:47.080 --> 00:31:50.280
And just say and so after us is how I want you to go

592
00:31:50.280 --> 00:31:52.640
I want you to go clockwise when you're in there and

593
00:31:53.440 --> 00:32:00.040
After the first person reads through their stuff and here's what I don't want you to do. Do not explain your non-negotiable list. Don't say

594
00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:02.640
this I

595
00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:07.880
Need him to be honest and then you say because you know my ex-boyfriend Chad, you know

596
00:32:07.880 --> 00:32:13.960
He was dishonest with me and then I found out and blah blah blah and then Gwenevere told me that he cheated on her too

597
00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:15.840
And did it we don't want that

598
00:32:15.840 --> 00:32:17.120
Okay

599
00:32:17.120 --> 00:32:22.360
We don't care what happened with Gwen what we want to know is what's your deal-breakers?

600
00:32:23.160 --> 00:32:25.480
And then after you're done saying them

601
00:32:26.480 --> 00:32:28.600
Say does anyone hear anything?

602
00:32:29.600 --> 00:32:35.480
Is there any of these that you guys think might be a preference and then someone can say something guys?

603
00:32:35.480 --> 00:32:40.540
Don't explain why you might think it's a preference. Just say I think number two might be a preference

604
00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:45.680
You know ask Jackie about it or you know asking the asking the app group about it

605
00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:49.840
We can't get into 20 30 minute per person conversations in these breakouts

606
00:32:49.840 --> 00:32:54.120
I want everyone to have a chance to go so I'm gonna put three to four people in these groups

607
00:32:54.840 --> 00:32:58.760
Meet a new person possibly someone for your relationship advisory circle

608
00:33:02.200 --> 00:33:04.720
I'm gonna give you 15 minutes here and

609
00:33:05.800 --> 00:33:10.360
Here we go. Um, you're gonna see something pop up on your screen that says enter your breakout room

610
00:33:10.360 --> 00:33:12.360
And that is how you're gonna get there

611
00:33:19.840 --> 00:33:21.840
You

612
00:33:49.840 --> 00:33:51.840
Okay

613
00:34:19.840 --> 00:34:21.840
You

614
00:34:35.719 --> 00:34:41.600
All right as you're coming back in your microphone might be unmuted from the breakouts make sure you mute back up

615
00:34:42.000 --> 00:34:46.199
Your little microphone will be read with a little line through it. If you're muted if it's white

616
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.960
Then you're live

617
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:56.159
And that might mean that we're hearing all the crazy background noise at your place, and so let's make sure we do that

618
00:34:56.679 --> 00:34:58.520
All right

619
00:34:58.520 --> 00:35:00.520
Did we have fun?

620
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.840
Did we discover some non-negotiables

621
00:35:03.840 --> 00:35:07.400
that are some preferences that were in the non-negotiables

622
00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:08.740
in the deal breakers?

623
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:14.480
For those of you, oh, you guys, it is week four,

624
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:15.720
so let me go ahead and announce this.

625
00:35:15.720 --> 00:35:17.520
First of all, let me see the hand of everyone

626
00:35:17.520 --> 00:35:19.640
who's not in my last year single program right now.

627
00:35:19.640 --> 00:35:20.560
Can I see your hands?

628
00:35:20.560 --> 00:35:24.000
Just put your little yellow avatar emoji hand up.

629
00:35:25.340 --> 00:35:26.180
Put it up.

630
00:35:26.180 --> 00:35:28.460
You are not in last year single.

631
00:35:28.460 --> 00:35:31.900
Put your hands up, put your hands up, okay.

632
00:35:31.900 --> 00:35:34.860
All right, so we have a special offer for the book club.

633
00:35:34.860 --> 00:35:36.980
We had never done this before the book club,

634
00:35:36.980 --> 00:35:39.340
and so we're offering this for every book club.

635
00:35:39.340 --> 00:35:41.160
You're our third book club,

636
00:35:41.160 --> 00:35:45.860
and that is to join last year single for $37 a month.

637
00:35:45.860 --> 00:35:50.380
So you will get the opportunity after this class to,

638
00:35:50.380 --> 00:35:51.740
it'll come in your email.

639
00:35:51.740 --> 00:35:53.100
If you don't get an email from us,

640
00:35:53.100 --> 00:35:55.220
make sure that you email us and let us know.

641
00:35:55.220 --> 00:35:59.180
But also in the app, in your book club app,

642
00:35:59.180 --> 00:36:02.580
if you go to the resource tab,

643
00:36:04.780 --> 00:36:07.420
it will also be there, the place for you to sign up.

644
00:36:07.420 --> 00:36:09.700
It might not be there yet, but it will be there

645
00:36:09.700 --> 00:36:12.340
between now and our last class next week.

646
00:36:12.340 --> 00:36:13.900
I really encourage you to do that.

647
00:36:13.900 --> 00:36:15.820
You really don't have anything to lose.

648
00:36:15.820 --> 00:36:18.580
You don't have anything to lose because it's $37.

649
00:36:18.580 --> 00:36:19.900
You have a whole month to try out

650
00:36:19.900 --> 00:36:21.100
the last year single program.

651
00:36:21.100 --> 00:36:22.900
If you don't like it, then you just cancel,

652
00:36:22.900 --> 00:36:25.540
and I guarantee that you're gonna like it.

653
00:36:25.540 --> 00:36:27.620
I guarantee that you're gonna be blown away by it,

654
00:36:27.620 --> 00:36:29.220
and you're just gonna keep the momentum

655
00:36:29.220 --> 00:36:30.980
going from this book club.

656
00:36:30.980 --> 00:36:32.320
You don't have to stop.

657
00:36:32.320 --> 00:36:33.420
You can keep going.

658
00:36:33.420 --> 00:36:38.000
So all 12 of you that raised your hand,

659
00:36:38.000 --> 00:36:40.100
for those of you that are already in last year

660
00:36:40.100 --> 00:36:41.960
single program, it's because there's a lot of you

661
00:36:41.960 --> 00:36:43.380
here tonight that are, can you go ahead

662
00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:46.440
and put in the chat, it's amazing, you love it.

663
00:36:46.440 --> 00:36:49.220
It's the village that you've been looking for.

664
00:36:49.220 --> 00:36:53.160
It's been so life-changing, hearts, emojis,

665
00:36:53.160 --> 00:36:56.480
fire emojis, anything, everything in the chat there.

666
00:36:56.480 --> 00:36:59.580
Testify so that your brothers and sisters know

667
00:36:59.580 --> 00:37:02.700
that this is a safe, wonderful, amazing place to come.

668
00:37:02.700 --> 00:37:05.340
You guys, I wanna tell you that we are

669
00:37:05.340 --> 00:37:07.360
the singles program, and just take a second

670
00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:10.060
to kind of toot God's horn here.

671
00:37:10.060 --> 00:37:12.340
I started last year single in 2020.

672
00:37:12.340 --> 00:37:14.420
It was called Married in 12 Months or Less,

673
00:37:14.420 --> 00:37:19.060
and we had our first marriage in January of 2021.

674
00:37:19.900 --> 00:37:21.420
So less than a year later, our very,

675
00:37:21.420 --> 00:37:24.120
my very first student to get married got married,

676
00:37:24.120 --> 00:37:25.860
and then it's been nonstop since then.

677
00:37:25.860 --> 00:37:29.100
We've had almost 2,000 success stories

678
00:37:29.100 --> 00:37:30.700
in the last five and a half years.

679
00:37:30.700 --> 00:37:33.820
2,000 people have gotten married through this program,

680
00:37:33.820 --> 00:37:35.720
and that doesn't include all the people

681
00:37:35.720 --> 00:37:37.340
that are engaged, that are getting married.

682
00:37:37.340 --> 00:37:40.000
There were two weddings this last weekend from our program.

683
00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:41.600
There's a bunch of engagement announcements.

684
00:37:41.600 --> 00:37:43.060
If you follow me on Instagram,

685
00:37:43.060 --> 00:37:46.100
all the people I post about, all the highlight reels,

686
00:37:46.100 --> 00:37:48.800
I think there's like 900 people in those highlight reels.

687
00:37:49.540 --> 00:37:52.440
Those are all true, real students, clients of mine.

688
00:37:52.440 --> 00:37:54.400
I either match made them, or I coached them,

689
00:37:54.400 --> 00:37:55.640
or they were in the program,

690
00:37:55.640 --> 00:37:57.560
and that is why they are married today.

691
00:37:57.560 --> 00:37:59.320
And so it really works, but here's the thing

692
00:37:59.320 --> 00:38:00.520
that I wanna add.

693
00:38:00.520 --> 00:38:04.360
It is the, it is the most successful

694
00:38:04.360 --> 00:38:06.200
of all dating programs out there.

695
00:38:06.200 --> 00:38:08.540
I think people say, oh, we have seven marriages over here.

696
00:38:08.540 --> 00:38:10.640
Okay, we have almost 2,000.

697
00:38:10.640 --> 00:38:12.800
I'm gonna brag on Jesus a little bit there.

698
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:14.240
And even if you're not a Christian,

699
00:38:14.240 --> 00:38:17.440
but you're a spiritual person, a person of faith,

700
00:38:18.160 --> 00:38:19.320
you could do well in there.

701
00:38:19.320 --> 00:38:20.760
You're gonna hear a lot of Jesus talk.

702
00:38:20.760 --> 00:38:21.640
I just wanna let you know that,

703
00:38:21.640 --> 00:38:23.560
especially on Supernatural Saturdays.

704
00:38:23.560 --> 00:38:25.680
But if you want a faith-based marriage,

705
00:38:25.680 --> 00:38:27.160
it's gonna still be the right place for you

706
00:38:27.160 --> 00:38:29.600
because you're gonna have a lot of non-negotiables.

707
00:38:29.600 --> 00:38:30.760
And the reason why I'm saying that,

708
00:38:30.760 --> 00:38:32.200
because I know a lot of you came from Instagram,

709
00:38:32.200 --> 00:38:33.660
and maybe you're not a person of faith,

710
00:38:33.660 --> 00:38:35.080
but I do think that it would still

711
00:38:35.080 --> 00:38:36.920
be an amazing experience for you.

712
00:38:36.920 --> 00:38:38.800
We're not gonna shove anything down your throat,

713
00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:40.080
but this is what I wanna say.

714
00:38:40.080 --> 00:38:41.880
If you are over 40 years old,

715
00:38:41.880 --> 00:38:43.840
it is the only place for singles

716
00:38:43.840 --> 00:38:47.320
where we have this kind of success in this age bracket.

717
00:38:48.160 --> 00:38:50.360
I will say to you, almost 60%,

718
00:38:50.360 --> 00:38:53.200
maybe more like 70% of our love stories

719
00:38:53.200 --> 00:38:56.680
are people over 40 years old, of those success stories.

720
00:38:56.680 --> 00:38:58.580
And so I know young people are still getting married.

721
00:38:58.580 --> 00:39:00.900
I know people are getting married in their 20s and 30s,

722
00:39:00.900 --> 00:39:02.200
and I know that that's happening,

723
00:39:02.200 --> 00:39:04.000
and they probably don't need a whole lot of help

724
00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:05.180
for that to happen.

725
00:39:05.180 --> 00:39:07.920
By the time you get to your mid-30s, late 30s,

726
00:39:07.920 --> 00:39:10.280
40s, 50s, that's when it starts to get harder,

727
00:39:10.280 --> 00:39:13.760
and we specialize in those age groups.

728
00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:16.680
And so I really wanna include that.

729
00:39:16.680 --> 00:39:20.040
In the email, Martha, you'll get the whole spiel

730
00:39:20.040 --> 00:39:22.560
about what it includes and what you're getting.

731
00:39:22.560 --> 00:39:24.240
Once again, friends, you have nothing to lose.

732
00:39:24.240 --> 00:39:25.160
It's $37.

733
00:39:25.160 --> 00:39:26.760
You can cancel anytime,

734
00:39:26.760 --> 00:39:29.640
and I think that it's a win-win for you.

735
00:39:29.640 --> 00:39:30.860
Okay, all right.

736
00:39:33.320 --> 00:39:34.140
I wanna focus.

737
00:39:34.140 --> 00:39:37.520
All right, so who has something

738
00:39:37.520 --> 00:39:39.160
that is your non-negotiable,

739
00:39:39.160 --> 00:39:42.420
and your group said, no, I think that's a preference,

740
00:39:42.420 --> 00:39:44.200
and you're like, nah, it's not,

741
00:39:44.200 --> 00:39:46.160
and you wanna ask me about it?

742
00:39:46.160 --> 00:39:47.640
Linda, you have your hand up.

743
00:39:47.640 --> 00:39:48.640
What you got your hand up for?

744
00:39:48.640 --> 00:39:49.480
Tell me.

745
00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:57.000
Sorry, no, I just didn't take it down

746
00:39:57.000 --> 00:39:57.920
for last year's single.

747
00:39:57.920 --> 00:39:58.840
I didn't have any.

748
00:39:58.840 --> 00:39:59.680
Sorry about that.

749
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.680
Oh, awesome, that's fine.

750
00:40:02.680 --> 00:40:05.960
Okay, does anyone have a question?

751
00:40:05.960 --> 00:40:07.160
Put it in the chat.

752
00:40:07.160 --> 00:40:08.560
Put it in the chat if you are like,

753
00:40:08.560 --> 00:40:10.460
is this a non-negotiable, Jackie?

754
00:40:10.460 --> 00:40:12.240
I have a question about this.

755
00:40:12.240 --> 00:40:14.140
Put it in the chat.

756
00:40:14.140 --> 00:40:15.780
I'll take a look at it here in a second,

757
00:40:15.780 --> 00:40:18.320
but I wanna go ahead and move on so we have time.

758
00:40:18.320 --> 00:40:19.460
I think I'm gonna go ahead.

759
00:40:19.460 --> 00:40:20.900
Your dating apps are on pause.

760
00:40:20.900 --> 00:40:21.920
You can get back on them,

761
00:40:21.920 --> 00:40:23.320
but I'm gonna talk to you about

762
00:40:23.320 --> 00:40:26.100
how you should be approaching that next week

763
00:40:26.100 --> 00:40:27.980
when we talk about becoming your own matchmaker

764
00:40:27.980 --> 00:40:29.680
and being a matchmaker for others.

765
00:40:29.680 --> 00:40:31.200
So I'm gonna leave that for next week

766
00:40:31.200 --> 00:40:35.040
because I really wanna focus in on chapter seven.

767
00:40:35.040 --> 00:40:36.080
I think it's so important,

768
00:40:36.080 --> 00:40:38.840
and this is where so many people fall off.

769
00:40:38.840 --> 00:40:41.880
So many people fall off right here

770
00:40:41.880 --> 00:40:44.280
and chemistry is not compatibility.

771
00:40:45.520 --> 00:40:47.420
Chemistry is not compatibility.

772
00:40:47.420 --> 00:40:50.240
How many of you saw yourself in Melissa's story?

773
00:40:50.240 --> 00:40:51.620
You guys, the names have been changed,

774
00:40:51.620 --> 00:40:53.400
but these are real clients.

775
00:40:53.400 --> 00:40:55.640
How many of you saw yourself in Melissa's story?

776
00:40:55.640 --> 00:40:58.080
Melissa's story is the only story in the book

777
00:40:58.080 --> 00:41:00.680
that I talk about that doesn't end well.

778
00:41:00.680 --> 00:41:02.760
Not everything can have a happy ending, you guys.

779
00:41:02.760 --> 00:41:04.400
Melissa's actually still single.

780
00:41:06.120 --> 00:41:07.960
I mean, she got married and got divorced,

781
00:41:07.960 --> 00:41:10.840
but she's single again, okay?

782
00:41:12.320 --> 00:41:15.520
How many of you saw yourself in Melissa's story?

783
00:41:15.520 --> 00:41:17.920
You turned on the good guy or the good girl

784
00:41:17.920 --> 00:41:21.840
and you went after someone who was broken,

785
00:41:21.840 --> 00:41:25.040
someone who made you feel all the chemistry,

786
00:41:25.040 --> 00:41:28.040
all the lightning bolts, all the butterflies,

787
00:41:28.800 --> 00:41:29.640
and you read in my book, you guys,

788
00:41:29.640 --> 00:41:31.080
I've been doing this for a long time,

789
00:41:31.080 --> 00:41:33.920
even before I was professionally matchmaking.

790
00:41:33.920 --> 00:41:35.840
I've been a matchmaker since I was young.

791
00:41:35.840 --> 00:41:38.480
I have lots and lots and lots of success stories

792
00:41:38.480 --> 00:41:39.360
under my belt.

793
00:41:39.360 --> 00:41:42.320
I have been a relationship and dating coach for a long time.

794
00:41:42.320 --> 00:41:43.800
Some people even call me an expert,

795
00:41:43.800 --> 00:41:45.600
and I'm gonna tell you,

796
00:41:45.600 --> 00:41:50.600
dysregulated nervous systems are where chemistry comes from.

797
00:41:53.960 --> 00:41:56.600
When you were a kid and someone could just light you up

798
00:41:56.640 --> 00:42:01.160
by looking at them, that's called hormones, okay?

799
00:42:01.160 --> 00:42:03.160
Those are hormones surging in your body

800
00:42:03.160 --> 00:42:04.720
when you were in puberty and you were a kid.

801
00:42:04.720 --> 00:42:06.920
That's why we call it puppy love.

802
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:09.040
Have you ever seen dogs in a yard?

803
00:42:09.040 --> 00:42:10.360
They don't ask a lot of questions.

804
00:42:10.360 --> 00:42:13.420
They just get on with it, right?

805
00:42:13.420 --> 00:42:16.600
Because it's all hormonal.

806
00:42:16.600 --> 00:42:17.680
It's all hormonal.

807
00:42:17.680 --> 00:42:19.760
And when we were kids, there was a lot of hormones.

808
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:22.240
There was a lot of infatuation,

809
00:42:22.240 --> 00:42:26.560
but scientifically, infatuation cannot last longer

810
00:42:26.560 --> 00:42:28.560
than 14 months.

811
00:42:28.560 --> 00:42:30.400
It's a little over a year,

812
00:42:30.400 --> 00:42:32.280
and your rose-colored glasses are coming off

813
00:42:32.280 --> 00:42:33.240
one way or another.

814
00:42:33.240 --> 00:42:36.480
And for most people, it ends way before then.

815
00:42:36.480 --> 00:42:38.400
You might be able to keep it going for that long

816
00:42:38.400 --> 00:42:41.460
if they're long distance, if you don't see them a lot,

817
00:42:41.460 --> 00:42:42.880
but if you see them every day,

818
00:42:42.880 --> 00:42:44.140
if you're doing life with them,

819
00:42:44.140 --> 00:42:46.640
if you're married to them, I promise you,

820
00:42:46.640 --> 00:42:49.440
those rose-colored glasses are coming off lickety split.

821
00:42:50.440 --> 00:42:52.840
You're gonna see what's really there,

822
00:42:52.840 --> 00:42:55.660
and it's not gonna be pretty if it's not pretty.

823
00:42:55.660 --> 00:42:58.800
Now, nobody's perfect, and I wanna let you guys know,

824
00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:00.920
even the love of your life is gonna give you the ick

825
00:43:00.920 --> 00:43:01.760
at some point.

826
00:43:03.180 --> 00:43:04.240
You're just gonna look at them,

827
00:43:04.240 --> 00:43:05.480
and you're gonna be like,

828
00:43:07.800 --> 00:43:09.600
it doesn't mean you don't love them.

829
00:43:10.980 --> 00:43:12.920
And ladies, you need to know in advance,

830
00:43:12.920 --> 00:43:14.080
and gentlemen, this might be true

831
00:43:14.080 --> 00:43:15.240
of some of the ladies here, too.

832
00:43:15.240 --> 00:43:16.080
It's not true of me,

833
00:43:16.080 --> 00:43:20.080
because I definitely am a lady-like lady, okay,

834
00:43:20.080 --> 00:43:22.840
as far as, yeah, I can cuss like a sailor sometimes,

835
00:43:22.840 --> 00:43:24.120
but I'm really working on that,

836
00:43:24.120 --> 00:43:27.300
because I love Jesus, and I ain't gonna cuss like a sailor.

837
00:43:27.300 --> 00:43:28.360
I said darn today.

838
00:43:28.360 --> 00:43:30.680
I said darn, and I was so proud of myself,

839
00:43:30.680 --> 00:43:34.960
but I don't burp or fart or, you know,

840
00:43:34.960 --> 00:43:36.960
I don't do any of that stuff in front of my husband.

841
00:43:36.960 --> 00:43:39.640
I will tell you that there are women that do,

842
00:43:39.640 --> 00:43:42.320
and I know those women, and I'm friends with those women.

843
00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:43.800
So, gentlemen, you might get the ick

844
00:43:43.800 --> 00:43:45.040
with your woman as well,

845
00:43:45.080 --> 00:43:47.760
but ladies, you for sure are gonna get the ick.

846
00:43:47.760 --> 00:43:49.760
Men are icky.

847
00:43:49.760 --> 00:43:52.360
They do icky stuff, okay?

848
00:43:53.640 --> 00:43:56.680
Not all of them, but a lot of them are not very genteel.

849
00:43:56.680 --> 00:43:58.240
They'll like blow their nose.

850
00:43:58.240 --> 00:43:59.560
They'll like do gross things.

851
00:43:59.560 --> 00:44:00.400
They'll fart.

852
00:44:00.400 --> 00:44:01.240
They'll burp.

853
00:44:01.240 --> 00:44:02.720
They're just like, blah.

854
00:44:02.720 --> 00:44:05.800
You'll be sleeping in bed with a big bear that's snoring,

855
00:44:05.800 --> 00:44:08.520
and you just wanna put the pillow over his face

856
00:44:08.520 --> 00:44:09.860
and smother him.

857
00:44:11.160 --> 00:44:13.680
That's gonna happen, okay?

858
00:44:13.680 --> 00:44:15.240
That's gonna happen.

859
00:44:15.240 --> 00:44:16.640
So, one way or another,

860
00:44:16.640 --> 00:44:19.520
those rose-colored glasses are coming off,

861
00:44:19.520 --> 00:44:24.000
but some of you continue to date in this haze of hormones

862
00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:26.280
and in this haze of dysregulated nervous systems,

863
00:44:26.280 --> 00:44:27.500
and that's what Melissa was like.

864
00:44:27.500 --> 00:44:29.440
Once again, not the right name,

865
00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:33.440
but she just was so attracted to things

866
00:44:33.440 --> 00:44:35.640
that were so bad for her,

867
00:44:35.640 --> 00:44:39.780
and I match made her with an amazing guy,

868
00:44:40.780 --> 00:44:45.220
and she felt nothing, nothing, okay?

869
00:44:45.220 --> 00:44:47.740
You guys, he was good-looking.

870
00:44:47.740 --> 00:44:49.140
He had his life together.

871
00:44:49.140 --> 00:44:51.300
He had his finances together.

872
00:44:51.300 --> 00:44:52.140
He was generous.

873
00:44:52.140 --> 00:44:52.960
He was kind.

874
00:44:52.960 --> 00:44:54.300
He wasn't nerdy in any way.

875
00:44:54.300 --> 00:44:59.300
He was masculine, but she so liked the bad boys.

876
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.480
She's so like the bad boy.

877
00:45:01.480 --> 00:45:03.160
She liked the avoidant attacher.

878
00:45:03.160 --> 00:45:05.920
She liked the men that she never knew where she stood with.

879
00:45:05.920 --> 00:45:08.200
The men that were always hot and cold and hot and cold.

880
00:45:08.200 --> 00:45:10.560
The men that were gonna make her cry

881
00:45:11.480 --> 00:45:14.600
and drink boxes of wine.

882
00:45:14.600 --> 00:45:16.700
That's the cheap wine that comes in a box.

883
00:45:18.080 --> 00:45:20.360
And listen to Dave Matthews.

884
00:45:20.360 --> 00:45:23.160
♪ Crash into me. ♪

885
00:45:23.160 --> 00:45:24.000
No.

886
00:45:25.440 --> 00:45:27.520
That's a reference for all of you 90s kids.

887
00:45:27.560 --> 00:45:30.920
But no, it can't be.

888
00:45:30.920 --> 00:45:33.480
It's not gonna happen, okay?

889
00:45:33.480 --> 00:45:36.240
So how many of you saw yourself as Melissa

890
00:45:36.240 --> 00:45:37.440
in some way, shape or form?

891
00:45:37.440 --> 00:45:38.880
You just continue.

892
00:45:38.880 --> 00:45:41.840
Gentlemen, maybe you like the damsel in distress.

893
00:45:42.720 --> 00:45:45.120
Can I tell you that the damsel likes her distress?

894
00:45:45.120 --> 00:45:47.480
And if you marry her, she's gonna distress you.

895
00:45:48.640 --> 00:45:50.840
Stop trying to rescue someone.

896
00:45:50.840 --> 00:45:52.820
And ladies, if you're looking for a rescuer,

897
00:45:52.820 --> 00:45:54.640
you're gonna find an oppressor

898
00:45:54.640 --> 00:45:58.040
almost every single time you are.

899
00:45:58.040 --> 00:45:59.760
You're going to find an oppressor

900
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:04.720
because high chemistry always equals high drama.

901
00:46:04.720 --> 00:46:05.560
Hear me.

902
00:46:05.560 --> 00:46:07.560
You're like, but Jackie, sometimes the high chemistry

903
00:46:07.560 --> 00:46:08.960
and it's healthy and it's good.

904
00:46:08.960 --> 00:46:12.000
No, high chemistry at the very beginning

905
00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:13.400
always equals high drama.

906
00:46:13.400 --> 00:46:15.180
Write it down, take it to the bank.

907
00:46:15.180 --> 00:46:16.020
It's a good check.

908
00:46:16.020 --> 00:46:16.900
You can cash it.

909
00:46:18.640 --> 00:46:20.880
If you have high chemistry,

910
00:46:20.880 --> 00:46:23.000
meaning you can't stop thinking about them.

911
00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:24.520
They're all you think about.

912
00:46:25.360 --> 00:46:26.360
You can't wait to see them again.

913
00:46:26.360 --> 00:46:28.720
You're so worried that maybe it's not gonna work out

914
00:46:28.720 --> 00:46:29.960
because it's just so amazing.

915
00:46:29.960 --> 00:46:30.800
And when you're with them,

916
00:46:30.800 --> 00:46:31.720
you feel like you've known them all your life

917
00:46:31.720 --> 00:46:33.320
and you just want to eat their face off.

918
00:46:33.320 --> 00:46:35.720
High chemistry equals high drama.

919
00:46:37.720 --> 00:46:39.120
It's gonna crash and burn.

920
00:46:39.120 --> 00:46:41.880
You're gonna go up high, high, high, high.

921
00:46:41.880 --> 00:46:44.000
And then you're gonna crash low, low, low.

922
00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:45.260
It's gonna happen.

923
00:46:45.260 --> 00:46:46.480
Mark my words.

924
00:46:47.460 --> 00:46:48.820
Mark my words.

925
00:46:49.760 --> 00:46:52.200
And some of you can just keep getting on that ride.

926
00:46:53.060 --> 00:46:54.400
And that's why you're here.

927
00:46:55.440 --> 00:46:57.120
Okay?

928
00:46:57.120 --> 00:46:57.960
All right.

929
00:46:57.960 --> 00:47:01.280
Who sees themselves in any part of Melissa's story

930
00:47:01.280 --> 00:47:02.880
in the chat right now?

931
00:47:02.880 --> 00:47:04.480
Let's see it.

932
00:47:04.480 --> 00:47:06.740
And do not tell me that there's only two anxious detachers

933
00:47:06.740 --> 00:47:08.680
in this room because I don't believe it.

934
00:47:09.880 --> 00:47:11.540
I don't believe it.

935
00:47:12.400 --> 00:47:13.360
Let's see it.

936
00:47:13.360 --> 00:47:14.200
Thank you, Mary.

937
00:47:14.200 --> 00:47:15.020
Thank you, Rachel.

938
00:47:15.020 --> 00:47:15.920
Thank you, Wendy.

939
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:19.440
The first way to heal is to confess.

940
00:47:19.440 --> 00:47:21.600
The Bible says confess your faults to who?

941
00:47:21.600 --> 00:47:22.440
To one another.

942
00:47:22.440 --> 00:47:23.520
Confess your frailties.

943
00:47:23.520 --> 00:47:24.920
Confess your weaknesses to who?

944
00:47:24.920 --> 00:47:25.760
To one another.

945
00:47:25.760 --> 00:47:26.580
And be what?

946
00:47:26.580 --> 00:47:27.760
Healed.

947
00:47:27.760 --> 00:47:28.600
Healed.

948
00:47:28.600 --> 00:47:31.100
Healed in your transparency and your authenticity.

949
00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:33.040
Look at all these.

950
00:47:33.040 --> 00:47:35.040
They're mostly all women.

951
00:47:35.040 --> 00:47:36.520
But hunters like me too.

952
00:47:37.880 --> 00:47:38.720
All right?

953
00:47:38.720 --> 00:47:40.840
Amy, Holly, Rachel.

954
00:47:42.340 --> 00:47:43.400
Some of you have done work.

955
00:47:43.400 --> 00:47:45.880
I'm not saying that you haven't gotten better.

956
00:47:45.880 --> 00:47:48.080
I'm just saying that it has a tendency

957
00:47:48.080 --> 00:47:50.880
to be a pattern of yours.

958
00:47:50.880 --> 00:47:51.720
Okay.

959
00:47:53.520 --> 00:47:54.600
Awesome.

960
00:47:54.600 --> 00:47:55.440
Awesome.

961
00:47:55.440 --> 00:47:57.000
Thank you guys so much for admitting that.

962
00:47:57.000 --> 00:47:57.840
That's wonderful.

963
00:47:57.840 --> 00:47:58.680
Okay.

964
00:47:58.680 --> 00:48:01.760
So we just talked about what chemistry really is.

965
00:48:01.760 --> 00:48:04.200
It's your nervous system firing.

966
00:48:04.200 --> 00:48:06.960
And so it's okay for chemistry

967
00:48:06.960 --> 00:48:08.200
not to be there at the beginning.

968
00:48:08.200 --> 00:48:09.400
I want you to say that to yourself.

969
00:48:09.400 --> 00:48:10.440
Gentlemen, you included.

970
00:48:10.440 --> 00:48:14.640
It's okay for me not to feel intense chemistry

971
00:48:14.640 --> 00:48:17.900
at the very beginning because intensity is not intimacy.

972
00:48:20.360 --> 00:48:22.480
Intensity is not intimacy.

973
00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:26.660
I want you to say right now to yourself out loud,

974
00:48:26.660 --> 00:48:28.820
not to yourself, but you don't unmute yourself,

975
00:48:28.820 --> 00:48:30.080
but say out loud,

976
00:48:30.080 --> 00:48:32.040
chemistry can grow.

977
00:48:32.920 --> 00:48:35.720
That feeling, that desire, that excitement,

978
00:48:35.720 --> 00:48:37.560
that anticipation for them.

979
00:48:37.560 --> 00:48:38.940
It can grow.

980
00:48:39.860 --> 00:48:42.000
It can grow upon acquaintance.

981
00:48:42.000 --> 00:48:44.680
It can grow with safety and security.

982
00:48:44.680 --> 00:48:47.160
It can grow as you get to know them better.

983
00:48:47.160 --> 00:48:48.000
It can.

984
00:48:54.520 --> 00:48:55.360
It can.

985
00:48:57.200 --> 00:48:59.200
Now, I want to tell us something about men

986
00:48:59.200 --> 00:49:01.400
and gentlemen, this is true about men.

987
00:49:01.400 --> 00:49:02.360
And we're going to say it now.

988
00:49:02.360 --> 00:49:04.000
And we're going to say it very clearly.

989
00:49:04.000 --> 00:49:04.840
Men

990
00:49:06.760 --> 00:49:10.400
know very quickly

991
00:49:10.400 --> 00:49:13.640
whether or not they are going to pursue a woman

992
00:49:13.640 --> 00:49:15.040
towards relationship.

993
00:49:16.520 --> 00:49:18.480
They know very fast.

994
00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:20.840
And so guys, this is what I want to say to you.

995
00:49:20.840 --> 00:49:23.300
Because you know very fast when you're unhealthy,

996
00:49:24.920 --> 00:49:27.000
you also know very fast when you're healthy.

997
00:49:27.000 --> 00:49:28.920
And so it's important for you to get healthy

998
00:49:28.920 --> 00:49:32.300
so that what you know very fast about is good and not bad.

999
00:49:34.740 --> 00:49:36.460
Because you're going to make a very quick decision

1000
00:49:36.460 --> 00:49:38.340
about whether or not you're excited

1001
00:49:38.340 --> 00:49:39.680
to get to know this woman,

1002
00:49:39.680 --> 00:49:43.680
whether or not you want to pursue her, as we always say.

1003
00:49:43.680 --> 00:49:44.840
You're going to know very quickly,

1004
00:49:44.840 --> 00:49:47.600
probably within the first couple conversations,

1005
00:49:47.600 --> 00:49:49.720
the first couple dates,

1006
00:49:49.720 --> 00:49:50.720
you're going to know

1007
00:49:52.400 --> 00:49:53.840
whether you want to do that or not.

1008
00:49:53.840 --> 00:49:55.480
Now, it doesn't mean that she wants you to do it

1009
00:49:55.480 --> 00:49:57.440
and she may reject you, and that's fine.

1010
00:49:59.120 --> 00:50:00.760
But you're going to know whether.

1011
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.180
You wanna do it and so that's why it's really important

1012
00:50:03.180 --> 00:50:05.040
that we get you to a place

1013
00:50:05.040 --> 00:50:07.100
where you're making better quick decisions

1014
00:50:07.100 --> 00:50:09.760
because men are gonna make quick decisions about you, ladies.

1015
00:50:09.760 --> 00:50:12.160
They're gonna make quick decisions about you.

1016
00:50:12.160 --> 00:50:14.340
And so gentlemen, we want you to make better quick decisions

1017
00:50:14.340 --> 00:50:17.340
based on good things, based on healthy femininity,

1018
00:50:17.340 --> 00:50:21.620
not broken femininity, not sexual femininity,

1019
00:50:23.320 --> 00:50:25.140
but healthy femininity.

1020
00:50:25.140 --> 00:50:28.100
And ladies, chemistry can grow for you.

1021
00:50:28.120 --> 00:50:32.120
You may not feel overly attracted to him

1022
00:50:32.120 --> 00:50:33.720
when you first meet him.

1023
00:50:33.720 --> 00:50:35.500
You may need to get to know him.

1024
00:50:35.500 --> 00:50:37.160
You may need to see his personality.

1025
00:50:37.160 --> 00:50:40.380
You may need to feel safe in his presence

1026
00:50:41.320 --> 00:50:44.080
in order to start feeling like you're gonna open up

1027
00:50:44.080 --> 00:50:46.860
and kind of like blossom like a flower.

1028
00:50:46.860 --> 00:50:47.780
That's normal.

1029
00:50:50.920 --> 00:50:51.960
Perfectly normal.

1030
00:50:54.720 --> 00:50:55.560
Okay.

1031
00:50:56.480 --> 00:50:57.320
All right.

1032
00:50:57.320 --> 00:50:59.220
How long do you recommend to give chemistry to grow?

1033
00:50:59.220 --> 00:51:00.520
Such a good question, Adrienne,

1034
00:51:00.520 --> 00:51:02.700
and I'm so glad you asked it, okay?

1035
00:51:02.700 --> 00:51:07.240
Because I recommend that you give that person at least,

1036
00:51:07.240 --> 00:51:09.000
if there's no, okay, so you see in the book,

1037
00:51:09.000 --> 00:51:12.120
there's something called it's a yes until it's a no.

1038
00:51:12.120 --> 00:51:14.040
Did you guys see that?

1039
00:51:14.040 --> 00:51:16.000
I do believe that it's in our next chapter

1040
00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:17.360
that we're not gonna fully go over.

1041
00:51:17.360 --> 00:51:18.520
Date like a matchmaker.

1042
00:51:18.520 --> 00:51:20.000
Yeah, that's where it is.

1043
00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:23.580
But that is a principle that we use in last year's single.

1044
00:51:23.580 --> 00:51:25.360
It's called it's a yes until it's a no.

1045
00:51:26.120 --> 00:51:28.200
It's based on your non-negotiables and your deal breakers.

1046
00:51:28.200 --> 00:51:30.480
So if you get with someone on a date

1047
00:51:30.480 --> 00:51:33.120
and they don't violate any of your deal breakers,

1048
00:51:34.080 --> 00:51:37.360
you don't necessarily feel extremely attracted to them,

1049
00:51:37.360 --> 00:51:42.360
but they take good care of themselves,

1050
00:51:42.640 --> 00:51:45.320
the things that you have on, then it's still a yes.

1051
00:51:45.320 --> 00:51:46.160
It's still a yes.

1052
00:51:46.160 --> 00:51:48.080
Now, if they do something completely inappropriate,

1053
00:51:48.080 --> 00:51:49.860
if they hit one of your deal breakers,

1054
00:51:49.860 --> 00:51:51.560
if they have terrible hygiene,

1055
00:51:51.560 --> 00:51:53.820
they don't take care of themselves,

1056
00:51:53.820 --> 00:51:55.740
they're rude, they're crude, whatever,

1057
00:51:55.740 --> 00:51:57.180
then yes, it's a no.

1058
00:51:57.180 --> 00:51:59.380
But it's a yes until it's a no.

1059
00:51:59.380 --> 00:52:00.580
And if it's not a no,

1060
00:52:00.580 --> 00:52:02.240
then you're gonna go out with them again.

1061
00:52:02.240 --> 00:52:05.620
Now, if you don't feel anything building towards them,

1062
00:52:05.620 --> 00:52:07.660
ladies, this is what that means.

1063
00:52:08.740 --> 00:52:12.060
If you don't feel any type of excitement

1064
00:52:12.060 --> 00:52:17.060
about seeing them again after three to four dates,

1065
00:52:17.060 --> 00:52:18.900
okay, let's say three dates,

1066
00:52:18.900 --> 00:52:20.480
if it's just like you could take it or leave it,

1067
00:52:20.480 --> 00:52:23.100
if you never saw them ever again, you wouldn't care,

1068
00:52:23.140 --> 00:52:26.780
then you can go ahead and say

1069
00:52:26.780 --> 00:52:29.080
that it's probably not a romantic connection.

1070
00:52:30.140 --> 00:52:32.260
But, and we're gonna learn this next week,

1071
00:52:32.260 --> 00:52:35.220
when that happens, if they still are a great person,

1072
00:52:35.220 --> 00:52:37.440
they never violated any of your non-negotiables,

1073
00:52:37.440 --> 00:52:39.060
but they don't have your preferences,

1074
00:52:39.060 --> 00:52:41.020
like you're not feeling it towards them

1075
00:52:41.020 --> 00:52:43.300
after giving it a solid chance,

1076
00:52:43.300 --> 00:52:45.760
there's no desire to get to know them better,

1077
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:47.500
but they seem like a good person,

1078
00:52:47.500 --> 00:52:50.180
that's when you try to matchmake them.

1079
00:52:50.180 --> 00:52:52.000
And we'll talk about that next week.

1080
00:52:52.000 --> 00:52:54.720
That's when you bring them into the village.

1081
00:52:54.720 --> 00:52:56.840
And I'm gonna have an app very shortly

1082
00:52:56.840 --> 00:52:59.360
that's gonna allow you to do that very quickly,

1083
00:52:59.360 --> 00:53:01.680
let them to scan a QR code, come into the village,

1084
00:53:01.680 --> 00:53:06.680
come into, you know, the community-based matchmaking

1085
00:53:06.720 --> 00:53:09.080
of our program, meet other people,

1086
00:53:09.080 --> 00:53:10.760
meet people that will be excited

1087
00:53:10.760 --> 00:53:12.120
to see them after the third date,

1088
00:53:12.120 --> 00:53:14.720
will be thinking about them when they're not with them.

1089
00:53:14.720 --> 00:53:17.400
Everybody has somebody, you guys,

1090
00:53:17.400 --> 00:53:20.320
especially people who have done the work.

1091
00:53:20.320 --> 00:53:22.200
Everybody has somebody.

1092
00:53:22.200 --> 00:53:24.320
And ladies, the best thing that you can do

1093
00:53:24.320 --> 00:53:28.120
to attract a masculine, mature, and marriage-minded man

1094
00:53:28.120 --> 00:53:32.920
is to have a healthy, whole, healed, feminine heart.

1095
00:53:36.140 --> 00:53:41.140
Self-respect, loyalty, honesty, generosity, femininity,

1096
00:53:41.800 --> 00:53:46.800
softness, appropriate softness, good boundaries,

1097
00:53:46.940 --> 00:53:49.080
good self-respect, all the things.

1098
00:53:49.080 --> 00:53:52.720
Okay, all right, so chemistry can grow.

1099
00:53:52.720 --> 00:53:54.640
All right, I'm gonna name off a few things.

1100
00:53:54.640 --> 00:53:56.360
I'm gonna do the little quiz in the book,

1101
00:53:56.360 --> 00:53:58.800
and I want you to put in the chat

1102
00:53:58.800 --> 00:54:01.960
whether this is intimacy or intensity.

1103
00:54:01.960 --> 00:54:04.600
Intensity or intimacy, I'm gonna read them off.

1104
00:54:04.600 --> 00:54:07.760
You're gonna put up which one you think it is, all right?

1105
00:54:07.760 --> 00:54:11.640
All right, you think about them warmly,

1106
00:54:11.640 --> 00:54:13.800
but you can also think about other things.

1107
00:54:14.900 --> 00:54:16.320
Intimacy or intensity?

1108
00:54:19.080 --> 00:54:21.000
Intimacy or intensity?

1109
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:27.440
You are mostly drawn to them

1110
00:54:27.440 --> 00:54:29.400
when they're slightly unavailable.

1111
00:54:40.480 --> 00:54:43.360
You feel preoccupied with thoughts of them

1112
00:54:43.360 --> 00:54:45.000
in a way that seems obsessive.

1113
00:54:49.080 --> 00:54:51.080
Intimacy or intensity?

1114
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.160
He's comfortable, able to be yourself.

1115
00:55:11.160 --> 00:55:16.200
You're not sure how they feel about you and that uncertainty pulls you in even

1116
00:55:16.200 --> 00:55:17.040
more.

1117
00:55:21.120 --> 00:55:24.120
That's right. You got all of those, right?

1118
00:55:24.680 --> 00:55:27.320
Carla's like stupidity. That's what that one is.

1119
00:55:31.000 --> 00:55:33.000
Yeah, but people do it, you guys.

1120
00:55:34.000 --> 00:55:38.000
People do it over and over and over and over again because they like the ride

1121
00:55:38.000 --> 00:55:39.000
before the crash.

1122
00:55:41.000 --> 00:55:44.000
Because it does feel good. It is exciting. It's exciting.

1123
00:55:45.000 --> 00:55:49.000
But the thing that I feel like is probably an eye opener in this book,

1124
00:55:49.000 --> 00:55:53.000
and I learned this years ago because I had a very dysregulated nervous system,

1125
00:55:53.000 --> 00:55:56.000
is that what you think is excitement is really anxiety.

1126
00:55:56.000 --> 00:56:00.000
When you get around them and you just can't think straight and you just feel so

1127
00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:02.000
nervous and there's butterflies in your stomach,

1128
00:56:02.000 --> 00:56:06.000
oftentimes what you're feeling is anxiousness. It's anxiety.

1129
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:08.000
It's not passion.

1130
00:56:13.000 --> 00:56:14.000
I know that's very unromantic.

1131
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:17.000
Okay. So you guys,

1132
00:56:17.000 --> 00:56:20.000
let's talk about chemistry and long-term compatibility.

1133
00:56:21.000 --> 00:56:24.000
What are the two things? Put them in the chat.

1134
00:56:25.000 --> 00:56:28.000
If you know them that are going to determine whether or not you have a golden

1135
00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:29.000
anniversary someday.

1136
00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:35.000
What is going to determine long-term compatibility?

1137
00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:38.000
Everybody can be compatible for a few months.

1138
00:56:38.000 --> 00:56:43.000
What's going to determine whether or not you're going to have long-term

1139
00:56:43.000 --> 00:56:45.000
compatibility with this person?

1140
00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:51.000
Consistency is one of them, Christina. What's the other one?

1141
00:56:55.000 --> 00:56:58.000
This leads to commitment. Communication. There you go.

1142
00:56:59.000 --> 00:57:02.000
Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.

1143
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:05.000
Doesn't matter if it's a platonic relationship, a friendship,

1144
00:57:05.000 --> 00:57:07.000
a relationship with your children,

1145
00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:10.000
specifically a relationship with your spouse,

1146
00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:15.000
communication and learning how to communicate your needs,

1147
00:57:15.000 --> 00:57:19.000
learning how to communicate, repair,

1148
00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:24.000
talk about the problems that you're having without accusing,

1149
00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:25.000
without blaming.

1150
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:27.000
We're not going to get into all the different levels of communication,

1151
00:57:27.000 --> 00:57:32.000
but if you end up in a premarital type of situation where you're going to get

1152
00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:35.000
married, please come join our Symbus, save your marriage before it starts.

1153
00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:40.000
We have a premarital course that will dig a lot into communication styles and

1154
00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:45.000
how to disagree without disintegrating the relationship.

1155
00:57:45.000 --> 00:57:48.000
Save your marriage before it starts for a really good reason.

1156
00:57:49.000 --> 00:57:52.000
Because communication is really important. And so we talk about that.

1157
00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:55.000
So communication is a lifeblood of all relationship.

1158
00:57:55.000 --> 00:57:58.000
And then consistency is going to be the other building block.

1159
00:57:58.000 --> 00:58:02.000
Those two building blocks, communication, and then someone who's consistent.

1160
00:58:02.000 --> 00:58:03.000
What does that mean?

1161
00:58:03.000 --> 00:58:08.000
That means that someone is who they say they are in action.

1162
00:58:10.000 --> 00:58:13.000
They're consistent. They're consistent in their love for you.

1163
00:58:13.000 --> 00:58:15.000
They're consistent in their attention for you.

1164
00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:17.000
They're consistent in their support of you.

1165
00:58:17.000 --> 00:58:20.000
They're consistent. They show up consistently.

1166
00:58:21.000 --> 00:58:23.000
Now it doesn't mean that they don't have a bad day or a hard day.

1167
00:58:23.000 --> 00:58:26.000
It doesn't mean that they're not allowed to go through anything.

1168
00:58:26.000 --> 00:58:30.000
It doesn't mean any of that. It just means that they are consistent.

1169
00:58:32.000 --> 00:58:35.000
You do not want to be with someone who's inconsistent.

1170
00:58:35.000 --> 00:58:37.000
That's not going to be long-term.

1171
00:58:37.000 --> 00:58:41.000
That's not going to be a long-term relationship. If you can't trust them,

1172
00:58:41.000 --> 00:58:42.000
if they're not reliable,

1173
00:58:42.000 --> 00:58:44.000
if you don't know whether they're going to be here today or gone tomorrow,

1174
00:58:45.000 --> 00:58:49.000
if you don't know who they're going to show up as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,

1175
00:58:49.000 --> 00:58:53.000
that is not a recipe for a good marriage.

1176
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:58.000
There are a lot of people that are in those marriages, but it is not what you want.

1177
00:58:58.000 --> 00:59:01.000
You guys, you're in a beautiful time in your life right now.

1178
00:59:01.000 --> 00:59:08.000
You're in a place where you get to choose your adventure for the rest of your life.

1179
00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:09.000
You get to choose.

1180
00:59:09.000 --> 00:59:12.000
Now there are things that we can't control that are going to happen.

1181
00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:17.000
Things happen, but instead of expecting what's the worst getting to happen,

1182
00:59:17.000 --> 00:59:19.000
I want you to think what's the best that could happen.

1183
00:59:19.000 --> 00:59:21.000
What's the best thing that could happen?

1184
00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:26.000
Trouble, there's trouble, there's adversity.

1185
00:59:26.000 --> 00:59:30.000
There's all those things out there, but you want someone who's consistent,

1186
00:59:30.000 --> 00:59:31.000
who's reliable.

1187
00:59:31.000 --> 00:59:34.000
You want someone who is anchored to the same rock as you.

1188
00:59:34.000 --> 00:59:37.000
You want to know that when the storms do come and of course they're going to come

1189
00:59:37.000 --> 00:59:41.000
and hopefully in Jesus name, none of them are going to be too bad in your lives.

1190
00:59:41.000 --> 00:59:46.000
But that you're both going to be tethered to the same foundation,

1191
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:51.000
consistent in character, consistent in kindness, consistent in love,

1192
00:59:51.000 --> 00:59:54.000
consistent in all of the things that are important.

1193
00:59:54.000 --> 00:59:55.000
Okay.

1194
00:59:56.000 --> 00:59:57.000
Good.

1195
00:59:57.000 --> 00:59:58.000
All right.

1196
00:59:58.000 --> 00:59:59.000
All right.

1197
00:59:59.000 --> 01:00:00.000
I want to do some Q and A.

1198
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.800
fun things next week, your homework, let me see what your homework is. Because we didn't get into

1199
01:00:06.800 --> 01:00:17.840
chapter eight tonight, we will talk about structure, the structure, the 90-day dating

1200
01:00:17.840 --> 01:00:22.640
framework. I'll take questions on that next week. And we're mostly just going to talk about coming

1201
01:00:22.640 --> 01:00:28.000
out of being a disgruntled dater, stepping into being your own matchmaker and the matchmaker for

1202
01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:32.560
others. So we will have a really good time next week. Please make sure you're putting all your

1203
01:00:32.560 --> 01:00:37.200
questions up in the app or the Facebook page if you're in there so that we can get them answered.

1204
01:00:37.200 --> 01:00:43.440
You will have access to all the replays from this book club for 60 days after the book club ends

1205
01:00:43.440 --> 01:00:49.360
next week. All right, should having good communication and being a good communicator,

1206
01:00:49.920 --> 01:00:56.720
should it be a good non-negotiable? Yes, Martha, it should. Now remember, you can't judge their

1207
01:00:56.800 --> 01:01:02.400
communication based on you and your communication style. That would be a preference.

1208
01:01:04.720 --> 01:01:08.800
But a good communicator would be someone who is not afraid to share their feelings

1209
01:01:08.800 --> 01:01:16.480
and their needs. Someone who's able to listen to your feelings and needs without feeling blamed

1210
01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:20.880
or accused. You know, there's there are people when you try to tell them what you need, they

1211
01:01:20.880 --> 01:01:28.320
just feel blamed. They just feel accused. They get defensive. They haven't done the work. They

1212
01:01:28.320 --> 01:01:34.880
think you having needs means that they're failing. That's a rough relationship to be in.

1213
01:01:36.080 --> 01:01:40.960
So spiritually mature, relationally, emotionally mature can be on your non-negotiable list.

1214
01:01:42.480 --> 01:01:46.240
So let's start with that in our Q&A. Who has a question about a non-negotiable?

1215
01:01:47.200 --> 01:01:51.440
And then we'll, we'll answer any other things. We have about 10 minutes left to do some Q&A.

1216
01:01:51.440 --> 01:01:56.080
So let's do that. How and when do you recommend talking to a potential about the non-negotiable

1217
01:01:56.080 --> 01:02:01.360
of no sex before marriage as soon as the relationship turns affectionate in any way,

1218
01:02:01.360 --> 01:02:07.520
shape or form? They try to put their arm around you. They try to hold your hand. They try to give

1219
01:02:07.520 --> 01:02:12.640
you a kiss goodnight. That is the time and invite that if you want that, if you're at the level

1220
01:02:12.640 --> 01:02:18.160
where you feel comfortable enjoying a kiss with someone, I would love it. If it's not in the first

1221
01:02:18.160 --> 01:02:24.560
30 days, because I feel like physical intimacy really muddies the water. It really confuses

1222
01:02:24.560 --> 01:02:29.200
your nervous system. You guys, I know it's so hard to keep your lips off of someone that you're

1223
01:02:29.200 --> 01:02:35.680
attracted to keep your hands off of someone you're attracted to, but I promise you, if you just try

1224
01:02:35.680 --> 01:02:40.160
to get to know them and enjoy them and have fun with them outside of any kind of any kind of

1225
01:02:40.160 --> 01:02:47.840
physical touch, okay, beyond maybe holding hands, because that that'll feel really nice, wouldn't it?

1226
01:02:47.840 --> 01:02:52.560
So it'll feel really nice to hold hands, but anything that gets, you know, the hormones

1227
01:02:52.560 --> 01:02:57.600
really raging. If you abstain from that, you're really going to get to know them a whole lot better

1228
01:02:57.600 --> 01:03:04.560
without you making excuses for them because now your body is just so attracted, right?

1229
01:03:04.800 --> 01:03:09.520
So try to do it, but if you do want to share a kiss with them, a kiss, good night, whatever,

1230
01:03:09.520 --> 01:03:15.440
if you want to share that, that would be the perfect time for you to say, hey, I really enjoyed

1231
01:03:15.440 --> 01:03:20.720
that kiss. I just want to let you know. It seems like the appropriate moment to tell you that I

1232
01:03:20.720 --> 01:03:28.000
am committed to abstinence until I'm married. And if they don't know what abstinence means,

1233
01:03:28.480 --> 01:03:31.040
and if they don't know what abstinence means, they can go Google it.

1234
01:03:31.920 --> 01:03:34.880
Okay. They can go ask their chat GPT.

1235
01:03:38.560 --> 01:03:44.480
I'm committed to abstinence. Now, if that person pushes back and says, you know, well, then how

1236
01:03:44.480 --> 01:03:51.920
far can we go? If you're committed to no sex intercourse is what many people think when that

1237
01:03:51.920 --> 01:03:58.720
word is used until marriage, then you know, what can we do? That shows that their mind's in the

1238
01:03:58.720 --> 01:04:02.960
wrong place already. Now, does that mean that they're a terrible person? They're a monster

1239
01:04:02.960 --> 01:04:07.120
and you shouldn't be with them? No, but you're going to have to hold a strong boundary. And it's

1240
01:04:07.120 --> 01:04:12.000
going to be probably hard if they're not willing to hold it with you. If they're willing to see

1241
01:04:12.000 --> 01:04:17.600
how far it can go, how fast it can go, because that becomes a slippery slope. Now, do I think

1242
01:04:17.600 --> 01:04:21.680
if you have sex before marriage that you're damn to hell? No, I don't. I think the water gets really

1243
01:04:21.680 --> 01:04:26.000
muddy. And I think a lot of times you excuse unhealthy behavior and you end up in a marriage

1244
01:04:26.000 --> 01:04:31.440
that's unhealthy. You know what you also end up doing? You also end up in a, you also, you know,

1245
01:04:31.440 --> 01:04:36.720
it also gets you into an unhealthy marriage rushing to the altar because you want to have sex.

1246
01:04:38.000 --> 01:04:40.000
What are we 15?

1247
01:04:43.360 --> 01:04:49.760
Seriously. If your estrogen patch is making you that horny, we probably should talk about it.

1248
01:04:49.760 --> 01:05:00.080
Gentlemen, stay off the testosterone supplements if you can't figure it out.

1249
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:07.200
There should be no little blue pills being consumed during the premarital courtship.

1250
01:05:07.200 --> 01:05:13.840
I'm just making old people's sex jokes because I'm 51 years old and I think it's funny.

1251
01:05:13.840 --> 01:05:14.840
Okay.

1252
01:05:14.840 --> 01:05:24.880
So the bottom line is, is that rushing to the altar because you're so excited and you're

1253
01:05:24.880 --> 01:05:29.400
so attached is bad news bears.

1254
01:05:29.400 --> 01:05:35.480
And that's why I always say to my clients, please know them for all four seasons.

1255
01:05:35.480 --> 01:05:37.200
Guys, I didn't make that up.

1256
01:05:37.200 --> 01:05:39.360
That comes from the expert, expert, experts.

1257
01:05:39.360 --> 01:05:40.360
And it's something I've adopted.

1258
01:05:40.360 --> 01:05:41.360
It's something I believe in.

1259
01:05:41.360 --> 01:05:48.840
That's why my very first, my very first program was called Married in 12 Months or Less, meaning

1260
01:05:48.840 --> 01:05:54.560
after you're committed, after you're exclusive, 12 more months, okay?

1261
01:05:54.560 --> 01:05:58.640
So from the exclusivity, we're together, we're not seeing anyone else.

1262
01:05:58.640 --> 01:06:03.360
Let's be dating and engaged for 12 months until we say, I do.

1263
01:06:03.360 --> 01:06:04.360
Let's try to do that.

1264
01:06:04.360 --> 01:06:05.360
Can we?

1265
01:06:05.360 --> 01:06:08.840
David and I only made it eight months, but we were also next door neighbors that did

1266
01:06:08.840 --> 01:06:12.400
life together every single day.

1267
01:06:12.400 --> 01:06:19.080
Every single day we did life together for eight months, okay?

1268
01:06:19.080 --> 01:06:24.880
I'm glad that I'm the comedy relief, but all jokes aside, friends, I'm serious, especially

1269
01:06:24.880 --> 01:06:28.520
if you're long distance and you don't get to see this person regularly, you get yourself

1270
01:06:28.600 --> 01:06:32.040
in a whole lot of trouble getting married too quickly.

1271
01:06:32.040 --> 01:06:36.320
I've seen it happen too many times and I really do want to protect you from that.

1272
01:06:36.320 --> 01:06:37.320
I really do.

1273
01:06:37.320 --> 01:06:38.320
Okay?

1274
01:06:38.320 --> 01:06:43.920
Because you are so beautiful and so valuable to God and he doesn't want you to rush into

1275
01:06:43.920 --> 01:06:49.080
something just because, you know, you want to have intimacy.

1276
01:06:49.080 --> 01:06:51.280
It is natural and normal that you want to have intimacy.

1277
01:06:51.280 --> 01:06:54.800
It's not even the sex that you want, honestly, it's the intimacy that you're looking for.

1278
01:06:54.800 --> 01:06:59.600
I know you think that it's sex that you want, but it's to be close to someone, to be one

1279
01:06:59.600 --> 01:07:03.680
with someone, to belong to someone, and you know why you want it is because you were hardwired

1280
01:07:03.680 --> 01:07:08.080
to want it all the way from your creation.

1281
01:07:08.080 --> 01:07:16.000
But let that person, gentlemen, her, ladies, him, let that person prove to you over time

1282
01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:20.360
that there's someone who can safely hold your heart before you give them your body.

1283
01:07:20.360 --> 01:07:21.360
Amen?

1284
01:07:21.360 --> 01:07:22.360
Amen.

1285
01:07:22.360 --> 01:07:23.360
Okay.

1286
01:07:23.800 --> 01:07:27.200
What are some questions to ask someone on fourth, fifth date?

1287
01:07:27.200 --> 01:07:28.800
Oh, that's a really good question.

1288
01:07:28.800 --> 01:07:33.040
And you know, I really don't love to like give a list of questions and make it like

1289
01:07:33.040 --> 01:07:34.280
so formal.

1290
01:07:34.280 --> 01:07:37.960
I really think these preliminary dates in the first 30 days, and we'll go over this

1291
01:07:37.960 --> 01:07:42.180
next week when we talk about my framework, the first 90 days of knowing someone.

1292
01:07:42.180 --> 01:07:46.200
The first 30 days I really think should be about fun.

1293
01:07:46.200 --> 01:07:48.720
It should be having a lot of fun with this person.

1294
01:07:48.720 --> 01:07:50.640
Anything and everything you can think of that sound like fun.

1295
01:07:50.640 --> 01:07:53.600
In fact, you can ask them, say, Hey, are you good at anything?

1296
01:07:53.600 --> 01:07:54.600
Are you good golfer?

1297
01:07:54.600 --> 01:07:55.600
Are you good singer?

1298
01:07:55.600 --> 01:08:00.240
You know, are you good Fisher, you know, anything and whatever they say that they're good at

1299
01:08:00.240 --> 01:08:03.960
good bowler, go do that so they can shine.

1300
01:08:03.960 --> 01:08:08.020
Let them shine in front of you, ladies, especially great for men.

1301
01:08:08.020 --> 01:08:12.320
Men love to do things well, and they love for women to think well of them and to be

1302
01:08:12.320 --> 01:08:13.960
proud of them.

1303
01:08:13.960 --> 01:08:18.479
Just think inside every grown man is a little boy who just wants to make you proud of him

1304
01:08:18.600 --> 01:08:21.120
who just wants to be told that he's done well.

1305
01:08:21.120 --> 01:08:24.800
And so let them show off a little bit.

1306
01:08:24.800 --> 01:08:26.000
My husband's an amazing golfer.

1307
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:29.600
And one of our first dates, he took me to the driving range because he wanted to show

1308
01:08:29.600 --> 01:08:32.080
me what a great golfer he was.

1309
01:08:32.080 --> 01:08:33.080
And guess what?

1310
01:08:33.080 --> 01:08:34.080
He was a great golfer.

1311
01:08:34.080 --> 01:08:38.399
And it's sexy to see a man do something that they're good at instead of getting the ick,

1312
01:08:38.399 --> 01:08:40.399
you're going to get that.

1313
01:08:40.399 --> 01:08:47.120
So do that the first 30 days kind of build each other up, get to know each other, have

1314
01:08:47.200 --> 01:08:50.279
fun, have fun doing things that you think are fun.

1315
01:08:50.279 --> 01:08:55.240
Maybe switch on and off to what, you know, someone thinks is fun to what the other person

1316
01:08:55.240 --> 01:08:56.240
thinks is fun.

1317
01:08:56.240 --> 01:08:59.720
Gentlemen, I know that women want you to plan all these dates from the very beginning to

1318
01:08:59.720 --> 01:09:00.720
the very end.

1319
01:09:00.720 --> 01:09:02.399
I think it's ridiculous.

1320
01:09:02.399 --> 01:09:03.840
You know why it's ridiculous, ladies?

1321
01:09:03.840 --> 01:09:06.600
Let me tell you why it's ridiculous, because that is not what marriage looks like.

1322
01:09:06.600 --> 01:09:13.120
I do not know one married couple where the man is the social planner of the family.

1323
01:09:13.120 --> 01:09:21.439
But one couple do I know is the woman not basically in charge of the social calendar,

1324
01:09:21.439 --> 01:09:25.279
basically in charge of the daily routine.

1325
01:09:25.279 --> 01:09:31.060
And so why are you trying to shove men into this box that's very unnatural for them?

1326
01:09:31.060 --> 01:09:33.399
It's like dance monkey, show me what you can do.

1327
01:09:33.399 --> 01:09:35.520
Well, I'm going to tell you what they're going to do.

1328
01:09:35.520 --> 01:09:39.880
They're going to come up with a sucky date and you're going to be annoyed because you

1329
01:09:39.880 --> 01:09:41.479
did not collaborate with them.

1330
01:09:41.479 --> 01:09:42.720
You didn't tell them what you liked.

1331
01:09:42.720 --> 01:09:43.920
You didn't tell them what you wanted.

1332
01:09:43.920 --> 01:09:45.359
You didn't tell them what you enjoy doing.

1333
01:09:45.359 --> 01:09:47.600
You just expect them to read your mind.

1334
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:52.399
You expect them to go buy a book of first dates and figure out what is going to turn

1335
01:09:52.399 --> 01:09:53.399
your crank.

1336
01:09:53.399 --> 01:09:54.400
No.

1337
01:09:54.400 --> 01:09:55.400
Tell them what you like.

1338
01:09:55.400 --> 01:09:57.000
Tell them where you like to go.

1339
01:09:57.000 --> 01:09:58.000
Collaborate.

1340
01:09:58.000 --> 01:09:59.000
That's what marriage looks like.

1341
01:09:59.000 --> 01:10:00.000
It looks like a collaboration.

1342
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.360
Give a give the guy a chance. Okay

1343
01:10:05.560 --> 01:10:07.560
Give the guy a chance

1344
01:10:08.520 --> 01:10:10.520
It's important

1345
01:10:10.960 --> 01:10:14.680
Now ladies that being said you don't want to over function

1346
01:10:15.400 --> 01:10:22.520
If he doesn't have a thought in his head if he can't collaborate if he doesn't have any ideas if he expects you just to do

1347
01:10:22.640 --> 01:10:26.160
Everything then that's good information about the future

1348
01:10:26.880 --> 01:10:29.640
That's not good. You're not gonna want that

1349
01:10:30.000 --> 01:10:32.360
So he needs to be participating as well

1350
01:10:32.560 --> 01:10:37.840
But you need to make sure that you're helping him by letting him know what it is that you like to eat where you like

1351
01:10:37.840 --> 01:10:41.280
To go what you like to do. All right. I'm a social events planner for work

1352
01:10:41.280 --> 01:10:43.920
So it feels really nice to not be in charge of logistics and planning

1353
01:10:43.920 --> 01:10:46.560
Well, Angela, honey, you're gonna be in marriage. I just want to let you know right now

1354
01:10:47.600 --> 01:10:51.080
Get yourself a husband that's gonna participate and cooperate

1355
01:10:53.120 --> 01:10:55.120
It's gonna be great

1356
01:10:56.120 --> 01:11:02.240
It's gonna be great don't over function don't want to over function but you got to let him know what you like

1357
01:11:03.440 --> 01:11:05.440
Because he doesn't know

1358
01:11:08.760 --> 01:11:10.760
All right

1359
01:11:10.880 --> 01:11:14.800
Cuz you ladies I don't know if I said this on this class, but I said this somewhere

1360
01:11:15.800 --> 01:11:21.600
When we go out together ladies us us ladies when we go out together, we do a lot of amazing things

1361
01:11:22.400 --> 01:11:27.000
We go to picturesque places and we drink coffees and matchas and you know

1362
01:11:27.000 --> 01:11:32.280
We basically romanticize life and we do these little vacations and these staycations and all this stuff

1363
01:11:32.280 --> 01:11:36.040
So we're used to being with our girls and doing things like that

1364
01:11:36.040 --> 01:11:41.440
And then we expect a man to be like that to us the same way that we are with our women

1365
01:11:41.720 --> 01:11:45.760
Friends and men aren't like that. There's every once in a while

1366
01:11:45.760 --> 01:11:47.920
There's a romantic egg in the basket

1367
01:11:47.920 --> 01:11:52.280
But not usually and those are usually the love bombers and then that's a whole different problem

1368
01:11:53.920 --> 01:12:00.960
Okay, a man's idea of romancing you is gonna make is gonna be coming into the garage and telling you that your tire looks low

1369
01:12:00.960 --> 01:12:05.880
and that you know, it's only 32 pounds and it needs to be 34 pounds of air and

1370
01:12:06.520 --> 01:12:12.280
Taking a tire gauge to it and filling it up or coming into your door and knocking on your door and telling you that you're

1371
01:12:12.280 --> 01:12:16.600
you know that your your trim is coming off and you know and fixing it for you or

1372
01:12:16.920 --> 01:12:24.080
Pumping your gas like my husband did today the amount of men that have an acts-of-service love language towards their wives are

1373
01:12:24.880 --> 01:12:25.880
big

1374
01:12:25.880 --> 01:12:27.720
It's high number

1375
01:12:27.720 --> 01:12:30.000
It's a high number of men. Okay

1376
01:12:33.640 --> 01:12:36.920
And I just want to let you know I'm here for it I love an acts-of-service man

1377
01:12:37.600 --> 01:12:39.560
Don't write me a song

1378
01:12:39.560 --> 01:12:41.560
Build me something fix something

1379
01:12:41.880 --> 01:12:46.600
Do something I don't want to hear a song that you wrote for me. I don't don't write me a sonnet

1380
01:12:46.600 --> 01:12:48.120
I don't even like poetry

1381
01:12:48.120 --> 01:12:50.120
Don't do it

1382
01:12:52.760 --> 01:12:55.040
Anybody else ladies

1383
01:13:04.560 --> 01:13:07.160
Yes, tell me I'm beautiful tell me I'm pretty

1384
01:13:07.800 --> 01:13:10.840
But then fix something for me

1385
01:13:16.960 --> 01:13:18.960
I'm just looking to see if there's any other questions

1386
01:13:23.080 --> 01:13:28.240
Lisa said I think he'd go to high tea because he loves me, but it's not something he'd sign up for willingly

1387
01:13:28.240 --> 01:13:30.240
No, but he will go because he loves you

1388
01:13:31.040 --> 01:13:32.240
ladies

1389
01:13:32.560 --> 01:13:33.560
Ladies

1390
01:13:33.560 --> 01:13:38.520
What are the best qualities you can find in a man as a man who's just willing to be part of your shenanigans?

1391
01:13:38.920 --> 01:13:44.120
He's just willing to be part of your shenanigans because when it comes to shenanigans guess what you're gonna be the shenanigan er

1392
01:13:44.320 --> 01:13:47.740
That's gonna be you and he's gonna be willing to be part of it

1393
01:13:47.740 --> 01:13:52.200
He's gonna wear a matching Halloween costume as you and for those of you that don't believe in Halloween. I don't care. I

1394
01:13:52.840 --> 01:13:59.560
Don't do anything with Halloween either. But if you're offended by that then look so matching Halloween costumes

1395
01:13:59.680 --> 01:14:01.920
He's the one that's going to you know

1396
01:14:01.920 --> 01:14:07.320
Go as your plus one to all the weddings and he's gonna wear what you ask him to wear and all the he's gonna you're

1397
01:14:07.320 --> 01:14:09.320
Gonna be the shenanigan er, okay

1398
01:14:09.880 --> 01:14:13.560
That's just some weird word. I just made up but you're gonna be that person

1399
01:14:13.680 --> 01:14:20.880
So find you a man who loves you so much that he is willing to put a sweater on the dog and

1400
01:14:21.120 --> 01:14:23.120
Walk it down the street

1401
01:14:23.880 --> 01:14:25.880
He

1402
01:14:26.200 --> 01:14:31.120
Is willing to in my opinion I like a man like this my husband is very masculine

1403
01:14:31.120 --> 01:14:32.040
He's not effeminate at all

1404
01:14:32.040 --> 01:14:39.880
But he will sit in the chair outside the dressing room and gentlemen those chairs are there for you because those stores know us women

1405
01:14:39.880 --> 01:14:42.840
and he will allow me to have a fashion show of

1406
01:14:44.280 --> 01:14:49.960
Showing him all the outfits that I'm thinking about and giving me his true opinion on them

1407
01:14:51.040 --> 01:14:53.040
That's love

1408
01:14:53.400 --> 01:14:55.400
This is love

1409
01:14:56.120 --> 01:14:59.960
That's for me so find out what's for you and then

1410
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.320
Make sure that you have a man who is willing to love you like that.

1411
01:15:03.320 --> 01:15:05.800
Gentlemen, what does, what makes you feel loved?

1412
01:15:06.360 --> 01:15:07.760
Do you like a woman who can cook?

1413
01:15:08.640 --> 01:15:10.320
I just did a survey not that long ago.

1414
01:15:10.320 --> 01:15:14.560
And then I saw another survey in the post in the, you know, in the, in the

1415
01:15:14.560 --> 01:15:19.560
press that said men still like women, even though men can cook, they like

1416
01:15:19.560 --> 01:15:24.560
women who know how to do household things, not because they want them to

1417
01:15:24.560 --> 01:15:28.400
be their slave or their servant, but because they really love to be loved

1418
01:15:28.400 --> 01:15:29.920
by their woman in this way.

1419
01:15:31.000 --> 01:15:37.040
For a woman to make them a little snack, make them a little meal.

1420
01:15:39.360 --> 01:15:40.800
I make my husband a little snack.

1421
01:15:40.840 --> 01:15:42.000
I make him a little meal.

1422
01:15:43.760 --> 01:15:44.520
He loves it.

1423
01:15:46.520 --> 01:15:47.960
He has a little smile on his face.

1424
01:15:47.960 --> 01:15:51.720
Like a little kid after school came home and his mom made him like a little

1425
01:15:51.720 --> 01:15:53.920
peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off.

1426
01:15:56.000 --> 01:15:57.720
I love making him happy like that.

1427
01:16:00.560 --> 01:16:01.200
I love it.

1428
01:16:10.040 --> 01:16:13.160
Reminding men to do stuff for themselves because men are servants

1429
01:16:13.160 --> 01:16:14.360
and they love to serve us.

1430
01:16:14.360 --> 01:16:15.640
They love to do for us.

1431
01:16:15.800 --> 01:16:21.240
So when I say to my husband, who is a shoe, I was going to say a bad word,

1432
01:16:21.400 --> 01:16:22.320
but I'm not going to say it.

1433
01:16:22.320 --> 01:16:23.400
He just likes shoes.

1434
01:16:23.440 --> 01:16:26.240
He likes shoes a lot, a lot more than me.

1435
01:16:26.360 --> 01:16:30.800
And when I say to my husband, you know what, babe, you should go to Nike and you

1436
01:16:30.800 --> 01:16:35.520
should get yourself a little pair of tennis shoes, smile so big when I remind

1437
01:16:35.520 --> 01:16:37.360
him, Hey, you should do something nice for yourself.

1438
01:16:37.360 --> 01:16:39.400
You should get yourself a little pair of tennis shoes.

1439
01:16:40.320 --> 01:16:42.880
He likes the most ridiculous tennis shoes.

1440
01:16:43.640 --> 01:16:44.040
Okay.

1441
01:16:48.000 --> 01:16:49.840
He likes the most ridiculous tennis shoes.

1442
01:16:56.400 --> 01:16:58.840
I do not see any men telling me what they like.

1443
01:17:01.080 --> 01:17:02.920
Gentlemen, you have to help these ladies out.

1444
01:17:02.920 --> 01:17:03.720
Put it in the chat.

1445
01:17:09.520 --> 01:17:10.040
Oh, Kenton.

1446
01:17:10.040 --> 01:17:10.280
Okay.

1447
01:17:10.280 --> 01:17:10.720
I see it.

1448
01:17:20.800 --> 01:17:22.000
Who's excited to get married?

1449
01:17:24.200 --> 01:17:25.040
Let me see your hands.

1450
01:17:25.040 --> 01:17:32.320
Who's excited to have someone to do kind things for?

1451
01:17:35.600 --> 01:17:39.800
And vice versa, have them only 20 of you.

1452
01:17:39.840 --> 01:17:40.240
Okay.

1453
01:17:40.760 --> 01:17:41.360
That's fine.

1454
01:17:42.800 --> 01:17:43.360
That's fine.

1455
01:17:45.200 --> 01:17:47.960
26, 26 out of 61.

1456
01:17:55.040 --> 01:17:55.360
Hmm.

1457
01:17:56.800 --> 01:17:59.840
25, 25 people are excited out of 61.

1458
01:17:59.880 --> 01:18:00.360
All right.

1459
01:18:01.440 --> 01:18:04.520
For those of you that are not excited, could be a lot of reasons.

1460
01:18:04.520 --> 01:18:06.400
And you could just feel like not raising your hand.

1461
01:18:06.400 --> 01:18:07.640
Cause you just wouldn't raise your hand.

1462
01:18:07.640 --> 01:18:11.000
If I said who wants to get off the Titanic before it sinks and you wouldn't

1463
01:18:11.000 --> 01:18:12.320
raise your hand and that's all right.

1464
01:18:15.600 --> 01:18:16.400
That's okay.

1465
01:18:17.240 --> 01:18:19.880
All right, you guys, we're going to have a good time next week because

1466
01:18:19.880 --> 01:18:21.080
this is not just about you.

1467
01:18:21.080 --> 01:18:25.240
It's about others and the way that we are going to change the single epidemic

1468
01:18:25.240 --> 01:18:28.160
is that we are going to become matchmakers for ourself and others.

1469
01:18:28.520 --> 01:18:30.440
And so I want you to be really excited about that.

1470
01:18:30.440 --> 01:18:31.560
I'm excited about it.

1471
01:18:33.160 --> 01:18:37.480
We have a bunch of people who have been match made by people, other people in

1472
01:18:37.480 --> 01:18:41.600
our program that has happened numerous, numerous times, and I love, love,

1473
01:18:41.600 --> 01:18:43.840
love it when it happens.

1474
01:18:43.880 --> 01:18:47.560
And so we are going to, we're going to really change things.

1475
01:18:47.560 --> 01:18:48.320
I really believe it.

1476
01:18:48.640 --> 01:18:51.840
So with this new app, with the new technology that's available and with

1477
01:18:51.840 --> 01:18:56.880
you guys having matchmaker mindsets, we are going to really make a dent in the

1478
01:18:57.320 --> 01:19:01.400
crazy amount of Christian singles that are still, uh, or marriage minded

1479
01:19:01.400 --> 01:19:04.080
singles, I should say that are still single right now.

1480
01:19:04.600 --> 01:19:05.000
All right.

1481
01:19:05.120 --> 01:19:06.760
So I hope you had a good time tonight.

1482
01:19:06.800 --> 01:19:08.720
Uh, be ready next week.

1483
01:19:09.320 --> 01:19:14.040
Um, we're going to go over what, what, what's it look like to get back on the

1484
01:19:14.040 --> 01:19:15.960
apps with this new matchmaker mindset?

1485
01:19:15.960 --> 01:19:17.200
What is that going to look like?

1486
01:19:17.400 --> 01:19:19.720
What's it look like to be your own matchmaker?

1487
01:19:20.000 --> 01:19:23.400
And what does it look like to honor a non-negotiable when it comes up?

1488
01:19:23.400 --> 01:19:24.720
How to end things?

1489
01:19:25.120 --> 01:19:27.440
We're gonna talk about the structure of the 90 days.

1490
01:19:27.760 --> 01:19:30.240
What does it look like to find out whether or not they're your

1491
01:19:30.240 --> 01:19:31.720
person in the first 90 days?

1492
01:19:31.720 --> 01:19:34.280
Do I believe that you should know whether or not you're going to get married to

1493
01:19:34.280 --> 01:19:35.520
this person in the first 90 days?

1494
01:19:35.640 --> 01:19:36.560
A hundred percent.

1495
01:19:36.560 --> 01:19:38.320
I do a hundred percent.

1496
01:19:38.480 --> 01:19:41.120
If you don't know in the first three months of this person is someone you're

1497
01:19:41.120 --> 01:19:43.920
going to marry, then you missed a turn somewhere.

1498
01:19:44.480 --> 01:19:45.040
Okay.

1499
01:19:45.080 --> 01:19:47.120
You should know if you're following this framework,

1500
01:19:47.120 --> 01:19:50.240
you're a hundred percent going to know whether or not this is your person.

1501
01:19:50.560 --> 01:19:52.000
And it's going to be reciprocal.

1502
01:19:53.200 --> 01:19:56.000
And so ladies, we're going to talk about that, defining the relationship,

1503
01:19:56.000 --> 01:19:59.760
that DTR conversation and why you as women should never be leading that.

1504
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.940
conversation, if you have to ask that question, what are we, where's this going?

1505
01:20:04.940 --> 01:20:08.800
It's not the right relationship.

1506
01:20:08.800 --> 01:20:13.380
You have romance over readiness instead of readiness over romance.

1507
01:20:13.380 --> 01:20:19.000
And you could be in a situation ship for years if you're the one that feels compelled and

1508
01:20:19.000 --> 01:20:27.440
feels the need in the first 90 days to be the person that asks what's going on here.

1509
01:20:27.440 --> 01:20:29.200
So we'll talk about all that next week.

1510
01:20:29.200 --> 01:20:31.400
It's going to be a good time.

1511
01:20:31.400 --> 01:20:32.400
But we're done.

1512
01:20:32.400 --> 01:20:33.400
We're eight minutes over.

1513
01:20:33.400 --> 01:20:35.200
Sorry if I kept you and you need to go to bed.

1514
01:20:35.200 --> 01:20:39.920
Those of you that are in Switzerland and other places, we had a good time and I will see

1515
01:20:39.920 --> 01:20:40.920
you in the app.

1516
01:20:40.920 --> 01:20:41.920
Please ask your questions there.

1517
01:20:41.920 --> 01:20:41.920