WEBVTT

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Welcome to the community.

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We are talking all things dating and specifically online dating.

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Rene Rizzo DeVore here.

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I always, I had to put my last name in my middle name because I always still say

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Rene Rizzo and the DeVore comes out as an afterthought.

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So there's always that pregnant pause. I'm like, Oh yeah,

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got to get that new name in there. I'm so excited to be with y'all tonight.

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Cheryl is my cohost for the evening and will be the one making sure I don't miss

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questions. It's really hard. I, I don't see out of my right eye.

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That's where the comment field is. So I try to look here at the camera,

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look who I'm talking to. So sometimes I will try to get over there.

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She will alert me if I miss a question, but usually there's room.

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So I'm going to be doing teaching at the, I know,

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Ray Simo is going to be Rizzo.

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I'm going to be doing teaching at the front end and I have the handy dandy

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PowerPoint that I've revised from doing this in phase two.

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I think I filmed that. Well, as many of you know,

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who remember phase two, people are like, Oh my gosh,

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in phase two in those videos, you were single. I'm like, I was.

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So I was just stepping out in faith. Y'all. Okay. Um,

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here's the thing. So even if you're like Rene,

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you've been there, done that with online dating.

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I have nothing new to hear from you. I'm going to call hogwash.

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I promise there's something new. There's going to be a new nugget I give you.

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Maybe it's a new freedom, new excitement. And as you know,

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I don't just talk online dating. I talk all things dating.

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My goal is to get through in about 45 minutes so that I open the floor for

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questions. If you, if I'm stuck on it,

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if I explain something on a page though,

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that doesn't make sense to you and you're confused,

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raise your avatar hand and I will call on you.

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And if I think I'm going to explain the answer later in the packet,

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I'll tell you to put a pin in it,

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but don't be afraid to ask a clarifying question. Cause if you're confused,

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chances are somebody else is confused and there's never a bad question.

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The only bad question is the one never asked. Okay. Um,

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do remember that this is a co-ed environment.

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So let's make sure if you're on camera, you are completely clothed y'all like,

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okay, I say that. And Jackie says that,

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but can I tell you about three months ago in my seminary class,

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I thought I had my camera off and I had to get ready for a fundraising event,

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which yeah. Oh yeah. Thank God I picked blur my background.

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And my closet door covered 95% of me.

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And like most of the class was live and there was only like 12 people online.

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And, but it's on a big computer screen in the classroom.

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I was like traumatized for about 48 hours.

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And like literally everybody was like, we saw nothing Renee.

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But like, I was like, I'm sure that might be a first in seminary.

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So we say that because even the, um, people who are paying attention might think,

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oh yeah, I totally turned my camera off. And you did not.

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Other thing is if you want to get picked up hanky panky, um,

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by somebody in the community,

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make sure your name that is on your thing is what's on your handle.

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So if we see an ad,

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like if mine says at Rizzo at Renee Rizzo dot coach or something like that,

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I'll know if I see an ad that that's somebody's Instagram handle.

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If I see somebody's full name, chances are that's their full name.

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So if you want somebody to find you and not just another guy or girl to find you,

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but like it could be a friend in the community. You're like, gosh,

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I really want to hang out. Um, you know, with Cheryl.

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And so if Cheryl's got her name listed on that feed,

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how it appears in Facebook, then it's going to be much,

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you're making it much easier for you to find somebody if you want to private

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message them, so to speak. Okay.

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The first thing I want to say about online dating,

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there's four main things about online dating and you guys,

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this is true whether you meet people at a meetup speed dating out in the wild,

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all of it. So it is now August 11th,

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right?

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So I don't care what happened to you and your dating scenario,

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August 10th and before this is a new day,

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it's a new era and it's a new you and it's always a day for you to meet your

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person. Remember, you just need to meet one person.

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I probably have hundreds of failed online and dating stories.

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I just needed one, one right story. Okay.

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So the first one is one number one, go in with a fresh attitude.

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Use this as a thing to yourself. I stink at dating. Okay.

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Use this to practice dating. Um,

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you might think I would never meet somebody online. Y'all,

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I would have bet my last dollar I was not meeting somebody online.

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Like no one hated online dating more than me. Seriously.

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No one's been on online dating.

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than me. I started with eHarmony when I was 25, so 30 years. I've been doing online dating

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off and on for 30 years. I'm sure none of you have been doing it that long. So when

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I, you know, when Jackie kind of challenged me to do this teaching, I was like, all right,

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I've got to get a better attitude about online dating because I normally just think it's

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awful. But y'all, Lisa Terzik, how many women know who Lisa Terzik is? Like the famous author

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online. She met her guy, I think on Hinge or Bumble, online, online. Lori Conway, she's

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like the crazy busy mama woman. She's also widowed. She just met her man on Facebook

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dating. So these people that we think that are famous that should know, Drew Barrymore

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talked about being online. I'm just saying, what's her name? Oh my gosh, Valerie Bertinelli,

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online. So even people who you think know millions of people, they get online because

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they know at least when you get online is somebody, in theory, if you're smart about

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the weeding out, looking to date. The problem that you have when you meet somebody out in

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the wild, and I know some of you are like, I just want to meet him at the coffee shop.

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I just want to meet her when I'm running. The problem is, and that's great, you still

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have to do all the normal investigating, all the normal stuff that you would do, and you

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don't know if they're married, single, want to be dating, want to be marriage minded.

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So you have less things to worry about in some places. You have more things to worry

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about in other places. Hopefully tonight will help no matter which way you're doing it.

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So change your mindset. Get online. Get out there to date. Don't try to say, I'm getting

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married. Usually if you do private coaching with me, I give you homework assignments to

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do to go out there and just start talking to strangers, and I'm like, look, I'm not

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asking you to pick up the guy at Trader Joe's, but I'm asking you to flirt with more men

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at Trader Joe's. That is not where you are. Probably going to meet your husband, but I'm

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teaching you how to get noticed. I'm teaching you how to have an open conversation so that

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when you're in front of your guy or girl, you're so comfortable in conversation that

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you're not going to get tongue tied. So do this today. Take the pressure off yourself

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that you, oh my gosh, is this the one? Is this the one? I have one friend. Do we all

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have that one friend? I have one friend who literally married the first guy she met on

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eHarmony like 15 years ago. That's insane. Like I hate her. I love her, but I hate her.

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Like that she got to meet the very first person. Like, okay, for the most, for everybody else,

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and then Jackie marries her next door neighbor. But for the rest of us, we're just going to

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have to date a bit. Okay. Don't overthink every match too. So talk to people, get to

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know them. You will find out really fast if they're flaky or fake or scammers. You will.

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So here's the phrase you'll hear me say a lot. If you don't hear from again, move on.

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If he or she doesn't make sense, move on. If they don't really ask you good questions,

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move on. If they don't want to get into a video date, move on. If they don't want to

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meet you in person, move on. Like literally, you do not need to be, none of you should

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be talking to somebody online for more than two weeks. And I mean tops. And that means

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because you guys were on vacation and you needed to go off. So nobody should be dragging

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out in the app longer than two weeks with any given one person where you have that first

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hello. Just saying, but we're going to talk about that. Also, number four, this is back

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to your mindset. Don't over invest your time. Get on and get off. Like I used to get on

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and get off in the morning. I got on and got off at the end of the night. I did not linger

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on the app and scroll like God crazy. So I don't want you to do that. Okay. Which sites?

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I wish I could tell you, do these one or two sites and everybody will be on there. So what

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I think all of us have learned is it's less about the sites and about having the right

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mindset. As you know, some of the free ones, Facebook dating, you can do hinge, free and

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paid, plenty of fish, pay to play, hinge, match, bumble, eHarmony, the league, coffee

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meets bagel, some Christian ones, upward, Christian mingled, Christian cafe, salt, holy,

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higher ground. And then of course there are dating apps like farmers, bikers, runners,

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you know, you can find one based on your thing. I even started Googling. We had, I have a

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couple of very ethnic women that I've been coaching and I actually kind of did a little

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Googling and I was like, are there dating sites for Christian Indian women, Japanese

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Christian women, women that are doctors or men that are this, like, and believe it or

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not, Google will give you not just dating sites, but local dating sites.

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Organizations like memberships that you can join,

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that have galas and charity events and things to attend.

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So there is a way, whatever you think your niche is,

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put it in Google and say, what exists around me?

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Or I've even had people go single dating near me

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and they'll have different kind of meetup groups

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where now they're doing those dinner clubs,

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those dinner groups.

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Sometimes it's five people, sometimes it's 10 people.

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So the world is offering more and more and more for you.

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And so expand your horizons.

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We are gonna talk about making sure

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you guys don't get scammed online.

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So we're gonna get there.

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But there's a lot to choose from.

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I always say, I had about this much time to give it.

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So don't try to do all of it all at the same time.

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So if you're online and you pick one or two sites,

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that might be enough for you if you're getting enough.

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If you're like, Renee, I need to take a break

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from online dating, then I would say, okay,

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then try the meetup clubs, then try the social events,

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then try the speed dating, talking to strangers,

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like going to different places.

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So you're always trying something,

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even if you're not trying all of it every single week.

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Here's the truth, and we all know this,

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there are great people on every site

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and there's idiots on every site.

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I mean, they're just ours.

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And so we're gonna make sure that we just don't let it go.

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You guys, and do not, do not get upset

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by how many creepy people there are.

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Like, there are.

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I always called online dating

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like the open water swim of a triathlon.

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Hand me, have you ever seen

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the open water swim of a triathlon?

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It's like, like arms like flapping into each other.

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But somewhere in there are some really great swimmers

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and really bad swimmers.

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So you're just trying to find the really great swimmers.

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Safety first.

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There are two kinds of people

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that we kind of mush into the same person.

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It's kind of like people always assume Mary Magdalene

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was the prostitute and she was the one with demons

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and they kind of mushed her into one character, not true.

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Mary, poor Mary Magdalene was just the demon possessed woman

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like that was enough

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that she did not need to also be the prostitute.

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And so that's the same as when we think about scammers,

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catfishers and just bad people.

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So there are some bad people.

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So let's talk about scammers first

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because there are more and more creative ways for scammers.

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Obviously it used to be you noticed a scammer

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because they talked about, they lived on an oil rig,

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they were far away, they asked for money right away,

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everybody in their family died.

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He or she was completely gorgeous,

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dating way out of our league.

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And you're like, oh my gosh,

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look at that surgeon with the mansion picked me.

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No, he didn't.

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No, he didn't.

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And so it used to be that obvious.

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It is less obvious now.

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So you can't just,

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I'm just leaving a message that Cheryl left me.

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She's telling me I'm talking too fast.

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I'm so sorry, you guys.

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I might've had too much caffeine.

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I'm trying to stay awake for school too.

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Okay.

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All right, I'll try to slow down now.

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Scammers.

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All right, so he or she doesn't necessarily

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always look too good to be true.

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So this is why I say to you guys,

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and we're gonna talk about this all through the night,

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you don't wanna say anything on those initial dates,

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texting, emails, phone calls, video dates, first dates.

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You don't want to say anything in those early moments

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that you wouldn't care if the entire world knew.

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If you feel like you would have an overshare hangover

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the next day because you shared too much information,

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if it felt like a hangover the next day,

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then you overshared.

227
00:13:57.720 --> 00:13:58.680
And so that's the thing.

228
00:13:58.680 --> 00:14:02.480
So even if you're talking to a scammer at the front end,

229
00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:06.120
you should safely not be sharing stuff.

230
00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:08.360
The other thing is what I don't want you to do

231
00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:11.000
is say, hey, I'm checking out for scammers.

232
00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:13.160
Did you know there's a lot of scammers online?

233
00:14:13.160 --> 00:14:15.680
Scammers actually love hearing you say that.

234
00:14:15.680 --> 00:14:18.520
So let's not talk to them like, oh my gosh,

235
00:14:18.520 --> 00:14:19.400
are you a scammer?

236
00:14:19.400 --> 00:14:21.040
That's why I need to do a video date with you.

237
00:14:21.040 --> 00:14:22.880
No, like don't do that.

238
00:14:22.880 --> 00:14:25.560
Because I swear scammers just get better

239
00:14:25.560 --> 00:14:27.520
at responding to that and saying exactly

240
00:14:27.520 --> 00:14:29.200
what you need to hear.

241
00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:32.560
And so we wanna act like we are confident men and women

242
00:14:32.560 --> 00:14:35.800
and we are not afraid of getting scammed

243
00:14:35.800 --> 00:14:37.920
because God's gonna defend us from the scammers.

244
00:14:37.920 --> 00:14:40.360
We're gonna figure it out and we're gonna laugh

245
00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:43.400
as we delete them or watch them run away.

246
00:14:43.400 --> 00:14:44.640
And so we wanna make sure.

247
00:14:44.640 --> 00:14:46.640
So scammers, you know, are people and catfishers

248
00:14:46.640 --> 00:14:48.200
are people that are pretending to be somebody

249
00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:51.640
that they're not, or it's a computer or something.

250
00:14:51.640 --> 00:14:55.440
It could also just be a really bad guy or a really bad girl.

251
00:14:55.440 --> 00:14:56.600
They could be married.

252
00:14:56.600 --> 00:14:59.320
They could be dating other people.

253
00:14:59.320 --> 00:15:00.160
Again.

254
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.000
This is why you hold in your heart information

255
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:07.720
so you can actually see them, see them in person,

256
00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:10.080
and you get to verify who they are.

257
00:15:10.080 --> 00:15:12.440
So if we are meeting people in the wild

258
00:15:12.440 --> 00:15:14.920
or we are meeting them online,

259
00:15:14.920 --> 00:15:17.560
you want to make sure you meet them in person

260
00:15:17.560 --> 00:15:20.780
and you quickly meet some of their people

261
00:15:20.780 --> 00:15:22.940
so you can verify that they are in fact

262
00:15:22.940 --> 00:15:25.000
who they say they are.

263
00:15:25.000 --> 00:15:28.080
Most scammers or most people who are married

264
00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:29.640
or cheating on their spouse

265
00:15:29.640 --> 00:15:30.920
aren't gonna have a lot of friends

266
00:15:30.920 --> 00:15:32.520
that are gonna lie for them.

267
00:15:32.520 --> 00:15:36.960
And so if you start meeting people in their natural habitat

268
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:40.760
you're gonna be able to weed out a lot of those people.

269
00:15:40.760 --> 00:15:42.780
Okay, but we're gonna keep going there.

270
00:15:44.120 --> 00:15:47.860
And so I would just say if it seems too good to be true,

271
00:15:47.860 --> 00:15:51.800
if it seems like they have the perfect answer

272
00:15:51.800 --> 00:15:53.480
that you've always looked for,

273
00:15:53.480 --> 00:15:55.640
if you have no yellow flags,

274
00:15:55.680 --> 00:15:58.200
that would be the red flag, right?

275
00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:01.880
Like everybody should have some yellow flags

276
00:16:01.880 --> 00:16:02.880
that you're meeting.

277
00:16:02.880 --> 00:16:06.000
Nobody should be like, oh my gosh, this person's perfect.

278
00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:07.920
Every answer is everything I've ever dreamed of

279
00:16:07.920 --> 00:16:08.760
and hoped for.

280
00:16:08.760 --> 00:16:11.040
He looks, she looks exactly what I felt like.

281
00:16:11.040 --> 00:16:12.680
I don't know what Jackie was talking about.

282
00:16:12.680 --> 00:16:14.800
It is everything I've ever wanted.

283
00:16:14.800 --> 00:16:16.680
And while Brian is close to that,

284
00:16:16.680 --> 00:16:18.320
he is not everything I ever wanted.

285
00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:21.000
Like I love him and he's amazing, but he's not perfect.

286
00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:24.240
And he had yellow flags just like I had yellow flags.

287
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:26.840
And so that would be a red flag to me

288
00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:28.120
that they have no flags.

289
00:16:28.120 --> 00:16:29.440
That would be the flag.

290
00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:34.040
Okay, I mean, what the heck?

291
00:16:34.040 --> 00:16:35.440
I don't know why I did that.

292
00:16:36.840 --> 00:16:40.840
All right, so I don't know why.

293
00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:43.640
Let's see, safety first.

294
00:16:43.640 --> 00:16:45.400
We have a couple of blank pages here.

295
00:16:45.400 --> 00:16:47.120
Lord, that means I wasn't supposed

296
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:49.260
to go over those pages with you.

297
00:16:49.260 --> 00:16:53.880
Okay, so let's talk about setting up an amazing profile.

298
00:16:54.520 --> 00:16:56.000
Let's see, let me go back.

299
00:16:56.000 --> 00:16:57.520
Cheryl, I'm gonna take a stop here.

300
00:16:57.520 --> 00:16:59.000
Is it going so far?

301
00:16:59.000 --> 00:17:02.520
Is there a question that has come up so far

302
00:17:02.520 --> 00:17:03.920
that I need to answer?

303
00:17:07.040 --> 00:17:09.119
I've heard good things about the dinner clubs, by the way.

304
00:17:09.119 --> 00:17:10.079
Somebody asked about that.

305
00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:12.440
There's a few of you guys here that have tried it,

306
00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:15.520
but I have heard some good things about the dinner clubs.

307
00:17:15.520 --> 00:17:17.640
Okay, all right.

308
00:17:17.640 --> 00:17:18.480
So setting up-

309
00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:19.599
There was a-

310
00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:20.440
Go ahead.

311
00:17:20.440 --> 00:17:21.280
There was a question,

312
00:17:21.280 --> 00:17:23.240
can you list the dating apps again, please?

313
00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:25.839
Sure.

314
00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:33.160
I feel like, and you guys, we've seen,

315
00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:34.560
like when we've done Symbus,

316
00:17:34.560 --> 00:17:35.800
I've seen people get married

317
00:17:35.800 --> 00:17:38.600
on every one of these sites that I've mentioned.

318
00:17:38.600 --> 00:17:41.200
Facebook, especially if you're over the age of 40,

319
00:17:41.200 --> 00:17:44.280
Facebook dating is still a very, very popular site.

320
00:17:44.280 --> 00:17:47.840
Facebook dating, Hinge, Plenty of Fish,

321
00:17:47.840 --> 00:17:52.320
Match, Bumble, eHarmony, The League,

322
00:17:52.360 --> 00:17:55.760
Coffee Meets Bagel, bleh, Bagel, Upward,

323
00:17:55.760 --> 00:18:00.760
Christian Mingle, Christian Cafe, Salt, Holy, Higher Ground.

324
00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:02.560
That's like, what, 10?

325
00:18:04.520 --> 00:18:08.000
Okay, so now you're setting up the perfect profile.

326
00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.600
Your first profile, we should see your eyes,

327
00:18:11.600 --> 00:18:14.400
no sunglasses, no hat, full smile.

328
00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:17.000
So guys, smile.

329
00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:19.360
Don't hide behind a baseball hat and sunglasses.

330
00:18:19.360 --> 00:18:20.280
I don't care if you're bald.

331
00:18:20.280 --> 00:18:21.760
I'd rather see you bald

332
00:18:21.760 --> 00:18:24.960
than look like you're in the witness protection program.

333
00:18:24.960 --> 00:18:27.800
Ladies, like, make sure it's you in the photo

334
00:18:27.800 --> 00:18:29.320
and not you and your three besties,

335
00:18:29.320 --> 00:18:31.160
and I can't tell which one's you.

336
00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:32.920
And if you're ever gonna have group photos,

337
00:18:32.920 --> 00:18:35.480
make sure you're the hottest one in the group photo.

338
00:18:35.480 --> 00:18:37.240
If your girlfriends or your boyfriends are hot

339
00:18:37.240 --> 00:18:38.680
or don't put them in that photo with you,

340
00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:41.320
you wanna make sure you're the hottest one in the picture.

341
00:18:41.320 --> 00:18:44.080
And don't put that group picture until towards the end.

342
00:18:44.080 --> 00:18:45.960
So in my opinion,

343
00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:50.560
the first photo should always be a good face up photo.

344
00:18:50.560 --> 00:18:53.480
Facing the light, cute photo, nice big smile.

345
00:18:53.480 --> 00:18:55.400
Men and women.

346
00:18:55.400 --> 00:18:57.240
Your very next photos,

347
00:18:57.240 --> 00:19:00.120
it's great to have a one good,

348
00:19:00.120 --> 00:19:01.520
I don't wanna say glamor shot,

349
00:19:01.520 --> 00:19:04.000
but a good shot where you've gone out to dinner.

350
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:05.640
It's your Sunday best.

351
00:19:05.640 --> 00:19:08.840
Full head to toe, Sunday best.

352
00:19:08.840 --> 00:19:13.280
Don't have your only full body

353
00:19:13.280 --> 00:19:16.000
be you hiking in your spandex pants

354
00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:20.240
and a ratty T-shirt and you look like you've ran 10 miles.

355
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:21.080
Like that's great.

356
00:19:21.080 --> 00:19:23.060
You show that you're trendy and sporty,

357
00:19:23.060 --> 00:19:25.920
but don't let that be your only full body shot.

358
00:19:25.920 --> 00:19:28.760
So if you're gonna have sporty, trendy,

359
00:19:28.760 --> 00:19:30.000
look at me, I'm amazing.

360
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:31.680
I don't mind getting sweaty.

361
00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:32.640
That's fine.

362
00:19:32.640 --> 00:19:35.720
Just make sure you have as many clean photos.

363
00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:37.240
If you're gonna do a photo shoot

364
00:19:37.240 --> 00:19:38.960
with your girlfriends or boyfriends,

365
00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:41.080
guys don't do this, I'm sure just the girls do this,

366
00:19:41.080 --> 00:19:43.120
have more than one change of clothing

367
00:19:43.960 --> 00:19:45.880
because we don't wanna see five amazing photos

368
00:19:45.880 --> 00:19:48.280
of you doing this, this, and this,

369
00:19:48.280 --> 00:19:50.120
and you're just in the same outfit.

370
00:19:50.120 --> 00:19:51.720
So if you're gonna go with a girlfriend,

371
00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:53.320
have like three changes of clothing

372
00:19:53.320 --> 00:19:57.000
so it looks like you did not take all those photos

373
00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:58.040
in the same setting.

374
00:19:59.520 --> 00:20:00.360
Bright colors.

375
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.880
colors, light on you.

376
00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:04.600
Sometimes when people private coach with me,

377
00:20:04.600 --> 00:20:07.760
they send me photos, I always filter the photos.

378
00:20:07.760 --> 00:20:10.360
Not to make you look better and get rid of your wrinkles,

379
00:20:10.360 --> 00:20:12.520
but to fix the lighting and the color.

380
00:20:12.520 --> 00:20:15.640
Because sometimes there's too much shadow cast on you,

381
00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:17.640
you're getting washed out,

382
00:20:17.640 --> 00:20:20.920
so I bring some light back into the color.

383
00:20:20.920 --> 00:20:22.760
So that's what we want in our photos.

384
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:27.120
In your bio, you want to be, let me see.

385
00:20:27.120 --> 00:20:29.300
Okay, pick your best photos, be positive.

386
00:20:29.340 --> 00:20:31.420
I say this all the time, be positive.

387
00:20:31.420 --> 00:20:33.020
Don't tell us what you don't want,

388
00:20:33.020 --> 00:20:34.720
tell us what you do want.

389
00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:38.380
And so you want to talk very quickly about yourself

390
00:20:38.380 --> 00:20:43.020
in one to two sentences, like, hey, this is me, da-da-da.

391
00:20:43.020 --> 00:20:44.140
Look, here's what I'm looking,

392
00:20:44.140 --> 00:20:45.940
here's a little bit about me,

393
00:20:45.940 --> 00:20:48.020
here's a little bit about what I'm looking for.

394
00:20:48.020 --> 00:20:51.220
If you mention Jesus, it's great, mention Jesus once.

395
00:20:51.220 --> 00:20:53.500
You don't need to mention Jesus seven times.

396
00:20:53.500 --> 00:20:56.620
We got it, you know, you love Jesus.

397
00:20:57.020 --> 00:21:00.540
And so, say it, and then,

398
00:21:00.540 --> 00:21:05.420
but it should be one of many things that you're mentioning.

399
00:21:05.420 --> 00:21:06.900
Profiles should be brief.

400
00:21:06.900 --> 00:21:10.420
We know that, you know, guys, I know you're on here

401
00:21:10.420 --> 00:21:11.560
and you may not believe me,

402
00:21:11.560 --> 00:21:14.020
but this is what men have told me, what they do.

403
00:21:15.060 --> 00:21:18.060
Hot, not hot, hot, not hot.

404
00:21:18.060 --> 00:21:20.980
I know you think they're reading the bios.

405
00:21:20.980 --> 00:21:23.060
And girls, I think you do this too.

406
00:21:23.060 --> 00:21:25.420
I know we act like the men are the only ones doing it,

407
00:21:25.420 --> 00:21:27.020
but we look at their picture,

408
00:21:27.020 --> 00:21:29.000
and if he's not like what we want at all,

409
00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:30.280
we don't even read the bio either,

410
00:21:30.280 --> 00:21:32.460
we pretend we do, but we don't either.

411
00:21:32.460 --> 00:21:34.240
So, you want a clean bio,

412
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:36.340
you want it to be engaging and fun,

413
00:21:36.340 --> 00:21:37.580
but don't write War and Peace,

414
00:21:37.580 --> 00:21:38.780
because they're probably not going to read it,

415
00:21:38.780 --> 00:21:40.700
and you want to leave those really cool answers

416
00:21:40.700 --> 00:21:41.920
for the Q and A.

417
00:21:43.540 --> 00:21:45.980
If distance, long distance,

418
00:21:45.980 --> 00:21:47.700
and Jack and I have talked about this,

419
00:21:47.700 --> 00:21:51.220
we've really modified how we feel about long distance

420
00:21:51.220 --> 00:21:55.500
because of the scammers, because of marrying people.

421
00:21:55.500 --> 00:21:56.980
Here's our problem.

422
00:21:56.980 --> 00:22:01.880
If you don't live in the same area before you get married,

423
00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:05.060
you're really setting up that marriage to be difficult.

424
00:22:05.060 --> 00:22:06.820
And so if you can't travel,

425
00:22:06.820 --> 00:22:09.300
if you guys cannot afford to travel to each other

426
00:22:09.300 --> 00:22:11.700
to regularly date,

427
00:22:11.700 --> 00:22:13.800
if you cannot,

428
00:22:13.800 --> 00:22:17.300
if you can't relocate because of children,

429
00:22:17.300 --> 00:22:20.380
if you can't have one person be willing

430
00:22:20.380 --> 00:22:22.260
to go live in that location,

431
00:22:22.260 --> 00:22:25.700
sitting in Airbnb for a month and work remote

432
00:22:25.700 --> 00:22:28.860
to see what it's like to live day to day,

433
00:22:28.860 --> 00:22:31.580
we're really going to caution you about long distance.

434
00:22:31.580 --> 00:22:34.400
Long distance, you need to be in it to win it.

435
00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:35.780
If you're going to be long distance,

436
00:22:35.780 --> 00:22:38.940
you need to see that person in person within six weeks.

437
00:22:38.940 --> 00:22:41.220
And I mean, it's probably sooner,

438
00:22:41.220 --> 00:22:43.380
like we're like sooner the better.

439
00:22:43.380 --> 00:22:45.380
And we used to say six weeks,

440
00:22:45.380 --> 00:22:47.320
but now we're more like,

441
00:22:47.320 --> 00:22:52.080
if you've had like four or five or six video dates,

442
00:22:52.080 --> 00:22:53.520
and that's happened in three weeks,

443
00:22:53.520 --> 00:22:54.720
y'all need to be booking the visit.

444
00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:58.720
And if you're like, well, Renee, he's five countries away.

445
00:22:58.720 --> 00:23:01.560
We're just going to really caution you against that.

446
00:23:01.560 --> 00:23:03.440
Like I know when I started school,

447
00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.600
I really couldn't afford to fly.

448
00:23:05.600 --> 00:23:07.680
Like I would have when I was running Hope Clinic.

449
00:23:07.680 --> 00:23:11.600
And so that really changed where I was willing to travel

450
00:23:11.600 --> 00:23:13.880
because unless he could afford to travel to me,

451
00:23:13.880 --> 00:23:15.500
I wasn't really able to get to him.

452
00:23:15.500 --> 00:23:18.220
So be realistic about childcare

453
00:23:18.220 --> 00:23:20.300
and be realistic about what you can afford

454
00:23:20.300 --> 00:23:21.840
if you're going to travel.

455
00:23:21.840 --> 00:23:23.460
Now, some of you claim

456
00:23:23.460 --> 00:23:25.460
that you're seeing somebody long distance.

457
00:23:25.460 --> 00:23:27.300
And we ask, oh, how far away are you guys?

458
00:23:27.300 --> 00:23:28.900
And you're like an hour.

459
00:23:29.900 --> 00:23:33.300
No, no, an hour is like a commute into Nashville for me.

460
00:23:33.300 --> 00:23:36.500
Like an hour is not long distance.

461
00:23:36.500 --> 00:23:39.820
An hour is y'all can meet each other halfway for lunch,

462
00:23:39.820 --> 00:23:41.740
and you're going to see each other in 30 minutes.

463
00:23:42.660 --> 00:23:45.540
To me, Brian was three and a half hours away.

464
00:23:45.540 --> 00:23:46.700
That's long distance.

465
00:23:46.700 --> 00:23:50.580
He couldn't just go out and back on a Friday night.

466
00:23:51.940 --> 00:23:54.900
He could go out and back in the same day on Saturday,

467
00:23:54.900 --> 00:23:56.820
but he couldn't go out and back on a Friday night.

468
00:23:56.820 --> 00:24:01.820
So I would say anything that is two hours or less,

469
00:24:02.220 --> 00:24:03.340
two hours and less.

470
00:24:03.340 --> 00:24:05.080
Now, again, if you've got kids,

471
00:24:05.080 --> 00:24:07.640
two hours is still out of school district.

472
00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:08.540
So that's different.

473
00:24:08.540 --> 00:24:09.900
So if you have children,

474
00:24:09.900 --> 00:24:11.660
two hours is still long distance

475
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:15.060
because somebody's going to lose the child issues.

476
00:24:15.060 --> 00:24:16.900
But if you're both single, two hours,

477
00:24:16.900 --> 00:24:19.100
you can still find each other in an hour.

478
00:24:19.100 --> 00:24:22.380
And so that's a little tougher, but it's not.

479
00:24:22.380 --> 00:24:26.060
So if we see two hours or less as your commute,

480
00:24:26.060 --> 00:24:28.500
and you guys are only seeing each other once a month,

481
00:24:28.500 --> 00:24:30.180
we'll tell you that that's not enough

482
00:24:30.180 --> 00:24:32.540
for you to really get to know that person.

483
00:24:32.540 --> 00:24:37.100
So we want to make sure that you are getting

484
00:24:37.100 --> 00:24:38.540
to that person often enough.

485
00:24:38.540 --> 00:24:40.620
All right, back to the photos.

486
00:24:40.660 --> 00:24:43.380
I want to make sure I did not miss anything.

487
00:24:43.380 --> 00:24:47.260
Okay, no pictures that are older than two years ago.

488
00:24:47.260 --> 00:24:49.780
Now, you guys, that picture that you see of me

489
00:24:49.780 --> 00:24:52.560
that's on my cover photo, this one.

490
00:24:54.680 --> 00:24:56.380
Yeah, look how hot I look there.

491
00:24:56.380 --> 00:24:58.580
Yeah, that was for a photo shoot,

492
00:24:58.580 --> 00:25:00.540
and that was already four years ago.

493
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.360
years ago, that would already be too old to put on my dating profile. So it'd be like,

494
00:25:06.360 --> 00:25:13.000
dang it, it's time to get new pictures. Yeah, it is. Okay. All right. I already did that.

495
00:25:13.000 --> 00:25:21.960
I already told you that. I already told you that. Okay. I told you that. Okay. I told

496
00:25:21.960 --> 00:25:26.240
you that. Man, I'm not going to even tell you no bathroom photos, right? We don't need

497
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:31.080
to tell you no pictures in the bathroom, right? We need you to find that if you don't

498
00:25:31.080 --> 00:25:35.600
have any good photos of you, go to like a coffee shop, find the 12 year olds and ask

499
00:25:35.600 --> 00:25:40.320
them to take some pictures of you. Like seriously, like reading a book, looking cute, they'd

500
00:25:40.320 --> 00:25:44.480
be all over it. Like strangers, like young, young teenagers would be all over helping

501
00:25:44.480 --> 00:25:48.480
you get your photo shoot. Don't take your photos from the bathroom. Please do not do

502
00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:55.680
that. Okay. I think I've already covered that. Your bio. Look at, when you're looking at

503
00:25:55.680 --> 00:26:00.600
your bio, the phrase I always say is kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Keep it super simple. Keep

504
00:26:00.600 --> 00:26:04.960
it super simple. Oh, here's the other thing I always say. Keep it in the present. Stay

505
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:09.880
in the present in your bio. Things that you're interested in doing. Now you guys, I always

506
00:26:09.880 --> 00:26:14.680
used to write, oh, I love to hike. You guys, it's probably been six years since I've hiked.

507
00:26:14.680 --> 00:26:19.440
So if you say you like to do something, but it's been 10 years since you've done it, you

508
00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:23.440
know, be careful about picking it because the person might pick that thing to do with

509
00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:27.120
you on the first day. Like if you say, oh my gosh, I love to go water skiing, but you've

510
00:26:27.120 --> 00:26:30.480
not skied since high school and they want to take you water skiing, then it's going

511
00:26:30.480 --> 00:26:37.360
to be really kind of funny for you. Okay. Let's see. Stay away from, yeah. I don't think

512
00:26:37.360 --> 00:26:41.160
you guys would do this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Stay away from putting things in

513
00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:46.560
your bio and during the text exchange. I don't know why I'm on here. I don't like online

514
00:26:46.680 --> 00:26:53.360
dating. I don't want scammers or cheaters, all that stuff. Like we all know that. Oh,

515
00:26:53.360 --> 00:26:59.480
and my favorite guys, guys do this more than girls. Please do not put, I don't want drama.

516
00:26:59.480 --> 00:27:04.720
How many want drama? Raise your hand. Anybody want drama? Nobody wants drama. And I have

517
00:27:04.720 --> 00:27:10.400
learned the people who say I don't want drama are in fact the people who cause all the drama.

518
00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:17.040
So don't put that in there. We all know that. I would be careful on how much you say I own

519
00:27:17.040 --> 00:27:21.640
my own car. I own my own boat. I don't know. I don't know what that is about that. That's

520
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:28.200
just weird to me. Don't do it. Okay. Let's see. I think I searched all that. Oh, look

521
00:27:28.200 --> 00:27:34.720
at this is my red flags versus yellow flags. Let's go through this. A red flag. A red flag

522
00:27:34.720 --> 00:27:40.800
for me is somebody if, okay, I'm going to, a red flag for me would be somebody who never

523
00:27:40.800 --> 00:27:45.600
wants to show me their actual face or meet in person. That would be a red flag to me.

524
00:27:45.600 --> 00:27:50.720
If they only want to text, email, talk on the phone and never get on a video chat and

525
00:27:50.720 --> 00:27:54.960
they always have excuses for that, that would be a concern for me. That would be a concern

526
00:27:54.960 --> 00:27:59.640
for me. Again, I already told you, I'm not going to text you on an app longer than a

527
00:27:59.640 --> 00:28:03.640
week before I'm either going to see you in person or see you on a video date. So I want

528
00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:08.360
you to kind of think about that mindset from the very first get go, hello, when they say

529
00:28:08.360 --> 00:28:17.360
hey, hello, which I guys, I told you my husband's lame-o intro to me was nice pic. Nice pic.

530
00:28:17.360 --> 00:28:22.280
That's it. Two words. Now, in his defense, he said, you know what Renee, I did that because

531
00:28:22.280 --> 00:28:27.000
there were so many posts that I would do all the things that you guys say to do. I would

532
00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:32.200
write this nice response. I would comment about something in her picture and I would

533
00:28:32.200 --> 00:28:38.800
do that dozens of times and get bupkis. He goes, I got tired of doing that and so I figured

534
00:28:38.800 --> 00:28:43.440
I'm just going to keep it super simple and then if they respond, then I'm going to give

535
00:28:43.440 --> 00:28:49.000
her the flowery email that says, okay, I read your bio. Now I've got some really cool questions

536
00:28:49.000 --> 00:28:53.880
for you. So if someone's initial response is really lame, we're going to cut them some

537
00:28:53.880 --> 00:28:58.360
slack and we're going to give the guy or girl a chance to redeem themselves in the next

538
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:03.240
couple of messages. If you feel like you need to help the conversation along, you're going

539
00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:11.080
to say, tell me about yourself. I'll go first. If you want them to follow your lead on what

540
00:29:11.080 --> 00:29:16.200
kind of good questions to ask, what to learn about, you can take the lead. Ladies, this

541
00:29:16.200 --> 00:29:21.000
is for you too. This is not you leading. Like if he just says, oh my gosh, I don't know

542
00:29:21.000 --> 00:29:26.080
what to ask. I'm kind of, how are you? I'm great. You know what? Let's go ahead and try

543
00:29:26.080 --> 00:29:31.600
to get to know each other sooner than later. Tell me a little bit about yourself. I'll

544
00:29:31.600 --> 00:29:37.520
go first and then you can say what we just said and you want to keep things in the current

545
00:29:37.520 --> 00:29:43.280
and then they talk, they talk. The questions that you never, in my opinion, you don't answer

546
00:29:43.280 --> 00:29:48.920
in a week of texting is, so why did you get divorced? Why have you never been married?

547
00:29:48.920 --> 00:29:53.240
You say something like, that's a great question. I would be happy to share that a little bit

548
00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:58.400
more on a video date. I'd be happy to share a little bit on a video date with you. Obviously,

549
00:29:58.400 --> 00:29:59.880
as we get to know each other.

550
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.320
if we get to know each other more, there will be time for us to share more openly about that.

551
00:30:05.040 --> 00:30:14.480
So I never answered deep questions about my faith, about my dating situation, like how like

552
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:19.760
I would say, look, I am looking to meet somebody in real life. How's your dating going? It's going

553
00:30:19.760 --> 00:30:26.240
great. I'm still here. So apparently I'm still dating, you know, so you don't want to like not

554
00:30:26.240 --> 00:30:31.120
get let in. So a great answer is always, that's a great question. I'd be happy to talk about that

555
00:30:31.120 --> 00:30:38.640
live. And a lot of times I hear you guys go, well, we can't answer that question. Like that's not,

556
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:42.960
that's level three question. Like, A, they don't have the same dating experience and coaching that

557
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:46.400
we do here. So they may not understand that language. You can give a little bit of an

558
00:30:46.400 --> 00:30:50.960
answer online first, and then a little bit more on the video, a little bit more in the date.

559
00:30:51.520 --> 00:30:57.680
So I'm trying to get you from your profile to that first date. And you get to that first date

560
00:30:57.680 --> 00:31:04.320
faster if you say as little as possible in the texting exchange. And if they want to go right

561
00:31:04.320 --> 00:31:09.760
to your email or right to WhatsApp, I don't immediately assume it's a scammer. I just,

562
00:31:10.800 --> 00:31:14.240
what I do assume is that somebody that doesn't want to meet me in real life.

563
00:31:14.960 --> 00:31:21.280
That's what I assume. At worst, it's a scammer. At best, it's a pen pal. That's me.

564
00:31:21.840 --> 00:31:26.400
Now I know some of you have Google voice numbers and that's what you give instead of a video.

565
00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:31.280
I have not found that to be a great thing because they could still, you still don't know what they

566
00:31:31.280 --> 00:31:37.680
look like. And now they have a number that they can get to you 24 seven. So I wouldn't want to

567
00:31:37.680 --> 00:31:44.880
give a complete stranger that I've not vetted by video a way to reach me at two o'clock in the

568
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:49.680
morning on a Saturday night. I would rather see them first. Now, of course, when I say,

569
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:53.520
I would like to do a video, I don't say, it's so I can make sure that you're not lying about

570
00:31:53.520 --> 00:31:58.480
your photos and I need to make sure you're not a scammer. No, I don't say that. I just say,

571
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:03.760
I've just learned, you know, that texting is such a clunky form of communication. It's really better

572
00:32:03.840 --> 00:32:08.720
when we can see each other, we can hear each other's tone inflection, see each other's mannerisms. So I

573
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:14.160
have just found that it's a little less clunky to do that live. And so my preference is to do that

574
00:32:14.160 --> 00:32:18.800
sooner than later. And y'all, if they don't want to do it, move it along. Like, remember I said

575
00:32:18.800 --> 00:32:26.400
that way, way back in the beginning, um, obviously anybody that asks for favors for money, you guys,

576
00:32:26.400 --> 00:32:32.400
I don't care if I don't care who you're dating. I don't care if he or she is Mr. Amazing until you

577
00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:37.200
are married, nobody should be asking you for money. Nobody should be borrowing money. Nobody

578
00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:43.440
should be asking for money. Nobody should be fronting money. And so you want to make sure

579
00:32:44.240 --> 00:32:52.240
that that kind of thing is not on the table. Like really, like there's, I'm trying to think if I

580
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:57.200
would have ever asked for money from Brian in the first four months we were dating. I don't think I

581
00:32:57.200 --> 00:33:02.000
would have you guys. And now that doesn't mean I didn't let him pay for meals. Of course I did,

582
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:08.000
but I don't think I ever asked him for money. So anytime somebody would say, Hey, I just got this.

583
00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:15.280
No, that's, that's a no. Don't do it. You don't want to also disclose your financial information.

584
00:33:15.280 --> 00:33:18.880
And so you don't want it like, you don't want to say you're poor, but you don't want to say you're

585
00:33:18.880 --> 00:33:23.520
loaded either. You know what? You know, I'm financially comfortable. I'm financially, if

586
00:33:23.520 --> 00:33:27.520
people ask you like, cause some of us don't want people in debt. So if they ask you about money,

587
00:33:27.520 --> 00:33:32.240
you can be like, you know, I'm financially comfortable. I would not tell people that

588
00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:37.280
you're in debt because that almost can make it look like, Ooh, how did that person get in debt?

589
00:33:37.280 --> 00:33:40.800
Did they get in debt because they gave away money that they shouldn't have? Maybe I can get them to

590
00:33:40.800 --> 00:33:46.240
give me more money. So don't, don't assume that if you tell them that you have no money, that they're

591
00:33:46.240 --> 00:33:50.800
not going to try to get more money out of you. That actually doesn't work. You want to present

592
00:33:50.800 --> 00:33:59.120
yourself as financially stable, mentally stable, emotionally stable, spiritually stable people,

593
00:33:59.120 --> 00:34:05.840
right? So in all of those categories, we want to sound positive about ourselves. So if you're flat

594
00:34:05.840 --> 00:34:09.600
broke, I wouldn't tell them you're flat broke. You can just say, you know, I'm really kind of,

595
00:34:09.600 --> 00:34:14.159
I'm doing the Dave Ramsey plan. I'm working on my, I'm working on my finances. If you want to say

596
00:34:14.159 --> 00:34:20.480
something like that, you can, but let's see. Yellow flag. I should have told myself white

597
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:25.920
writing with the yellow is not making it easy for me to read. So give me a second to squint and look.

598
00:34:25.920 --> 00:34:33.040
Okay. Yellow flag. When they have to explain their single status.

599
00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:41.040
It's a yellow flag when they have to explain you're either married or you're not. You could

600
00:34:41.040 --> 00:34:46.880
be separated, not yet divorced. That's still not confusing. You could say, you know what we filed,

601
00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:54.000
like if, and I know we all have different opinions about, I, you know, for me, I don't like dating.

602
00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:59.680
I never liked dating somebody that was not legally divorced because especially when children are

603
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:02.940
that core issue can go on for two years.

604
00:35:02.940 --> 00:35:04.260
The marriage could be over now.

605
00:35:04.260 --> 00:35:07.040
If it's two single people with no children

606
00:35:07.040 --> 00:35:08.900
and no major assets and they're like,

607
00:35:08.900 --> 00:35:11.700
you know what, we've been separated for two years

608
00:35:11.700 --> 00:35:14.220
and we're finally getting around to doing it

609
00:35:14.220 --> 00:35:15.700
and it's just some of the financial stuff

610
00:35:15.700 --> 00:35:16.540
we're trying to figure out

611
00:35:16.540 --> 00:35:19.060
but the date is set in six weeks.

612
00:35:19.060 --> 00:35:20.940
My next question might be, well,

613
00:35:20.940 --> 00:35:21.940
tell me a little bit about

614
00:35:21.940 --> 00:35:24.220
what kind of divorce recovery have you done?

615
00:35:24.220 --> 00:35:25.860
Have you seen a therapist?

616
00:35:25.860 --> 00:35:26.980
Did you see your pastor?

617
00:35:26.980 --> 00:35:29.020
Did you go through divorce care?

618
00:35:29.020 --> 00:35:31.280
I'm personally, I was always personally

619
00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:32.980
not willing to date somebody

620
00:35:32.980 --> 00:35:35.420
who was recently widowed or divorced

621
00:35:35.420 --> 00:35:37.920
who had done no grief and or divorce care.

622
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:40.980
That's just me but I love therapy

623
00:35:40.980 --> 00:35:43.100
and I love being around somebody

624
00:35:43.100 --> 00:35:45.420
that's willing to have that conversation.

625
00:35:45.420 --> 00:35:47.820
Most people don't come out of a death

626
00:35:47.820 --> 00:35:50.980
or a divorce without needing some work.

627
00:35:50.980 --> 00:35:53.920
Most of us need some kind of heart healing

628
00:35:53.920 --> 00:35:56.020
and so that's what you're looking for

629
00:35:56.060 --> 00:35:59.780
and when you ask questions about previous relationships,

630
00:35:59.780 --> 00:36:03.220
you wanna make sure that they own their side of the street.

631
00:36:03.220 --> 00:36:06.400
A healthy answer is, you know what,

632
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:09.340
there's a lot of things that went wrong in our marriage

633
00:36:09.340 --> 00:36:11.660
and obviously if we get together,

634
00:36:11.660 --> 00:36:14.260
I'd be happy to share more with you.

635
00:36:14.260 --> 00:36:16.080
I just told you nothing about the divorce

636
00:36:16.080 --> 00:36:18.020
and actually that's one of the safest answers

637
00:36:18.020 --> 00:36:18.940
you wanna hear.

638
00:36:18.940 --> 00:36:20.900
You should not be telling a complete stranger

639
00:36:20.900 --> 00:36:21.900
why you got divorced,

640
00:36:21.900 --> 00:36:25.840
even if the answer is the other person cheated on me.

641
00:36:26.680 --> 00:36:28.840
If they've also got cheated on,

642
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:30.940
then you run the risk of trauma bonding

643
00:36:30.940 --> 00:36:33.480
over you both having infidelity

644
00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:34.960
and so here's the thing,

645
00:36:34.960 --> 00:36:36.120
most of the time,

646
00:36:36.120 --> 00:36:37.160
and if you've been cheated on,

647
00:36:37.160 --> 00:36:39.320
please don't let this offend you,

648
00:36:39.320 --> 00:36:42.000
a lot of the times when there's been infidelity,

649
00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:45.040
there's been other stuff underneath of it

650
00:36:45.040 --> 00:36:46.760
and I think most people,

651
00:36:46.760 --> 00:36:48.340
even when there's been infidelity,

652
00:36:48.340 --> 00:36:51.080
can find parts of that marriage

653
00:36:51.080 --> 00:36:53.720
where they're thinking, wow, this is my part.

654
00:36:54.400 --> 00:36:55.880
This is my side of the street

655
00:36:55.880 --> 00:36:58.640
and that for me is more important

656
00:36:58.640 --> 00:37:01.040
than how long they've been divorced

657
00:37:01.040 --> 00:37:02.640
or how long they've been widowed

658
00:37:02.640 --> 00:37:05.120
as I like to always ask the question,

659
00:37:05.120 --> 00:37:08.620
what have you learned about yourself in your recovery

660
00:37:08.620 --> 00:37:12.160
that you would do differently in your next relationship?

661
00:37:12.160 --> 00:37:13.880
What have you learned about yourself?

662
00:37:13.880 --> 00:37:17.520
If their only answer is not pick somebody who cheats,

663
00:37:17.520 --> 00:37:19.240
then that's not somebody who's learned

664
00:37:19.240 --> 00:37:20.720
their side of the street yet.

665
00:37:20.720 --> 00:37:22.940
That would be a yellow flag to me.

666
00:37:22.940 --> 00:37:25.060
I would be looking for somebody

667
00:37:25.060 --> 00:37:27.240
who has been able to say, you know what,

668
00:37:27.240 --> 00:37:28.820
because I would say pretty quickly,

669
00:37:28.820 --> 00:37:30.700
Brian was like, you know, I really,

670
00:37:30.700 --> 00:37:32.580
like, you know, in my first marriage,

671
00:37:32.580 --> 00:37:34.980
we really put the kids first and I own that

672
00:37:34.980 --> 00:37:37.580
and I was not good at communicating with her.

673
00:37:37.580 --> 00:37:40.340
Now, I have since learned a lot of horrible things

674
00:37:40.340 --> 00:37:43.520
that happened, including her potentially cheating on him,

675
00:37:43.520 --> 00:37:45.900
but that never came up in those early months.

676
00:37:45.900 --> 00:37:48.580
Like, he never just used that as an opportunity

677
00:37:48.580 --> 00:37:49.820
to throw her under the bus.

678
00:37:49.820 --> 00:37:53.260
He literally, from the get-go, owned his side of the street.

679
00:37:53.260 --> 00:37:55.700
And so, that's the kind of important questions

680
00:37:55.700 --> 00:37:57.260
you wanna hear and you guys,

681
00:37:57.260 --> 00:37:58.860
so be careful what you say about that

682
00:37:58.860 --> 00:38:01.580
because a lot of times I see you guys put in the post

683
00:38:01.580 --> 00:38:03.700
on Facebook, well, we both found out

684
00:38:03.700 --> 00:38:07.020
that our spouses cheated on each other.

685
00:38:07.020 --> 00:38:08.400
Or, you know, and I'm like, oh my God,

686
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:10.260
how did you find that out already?

687
00:38:10.260 --> 00:38:13.240
Like, that's really private information.

688
00:38:13.240 --> 00:38:16.720
Again, remember those early texts, those early video calls?

689
00:38:16.720 --> 00:38:19.160
We don't wanna share out private information.

690
00:38:19.160 --> 00:38:21.840
We wanna share information that you wouldn't share,

691
00:38:21.840 --> 00:38:23.720
like, that you would share with anybody

692
00:38:23.720 --> 00:38:25.920
that you met in the grocery store, really.

693
00:38:25.920 --> 00:38:28.240
And you wouldn't go to a stranger in the grocery store

694
00:38:28.240 --> 00:38:30.600
like, oh my gosh, yeah, you know, I'm out there dating,

695
00:38:30.600 --> 00:38:32.080
my spouse, oh, you got divorced?

696
00:38:32.080 --> 00:38:33.560
Oh yeah, I got cheated on.

697
00:38:33.560 --> 00:38:36.120
Like, you wouldn't necessarily do that

698
00:38:36.120 --> 00:38:38.080
with a complete stranger in the grocery store.

699
00:38:38.080 --> 00:38:40.080
But for some reason, because we're online,

700
00:38:40.080 --> 00:38:42.120
we just think that we're having this moment

701
00:38:42.120 --> 00:38:44.080
and we can kind of share these intimate details.

702
00:38:44.080 --> 00:38:46.440
So be careful how much intimate stuff.

703
00:38:46.440 --> 00:38:50.760
And so I would say that would be a yellow flag to me.

704
00:38:50.760 --> 00:38:53.040
All right, I feel really good about that.

705
00:38:55.720 --> 00:38:59.360
So I talked about long distance and I talked about scamming.

706
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:02.840
Especially if you're over the age of 50 and 60,

707
00:39:02.840 --> 00:39:05.200
they're really, those scammers are really,

708
00:39:05.200 --> 00:39:06.880
they really wanna make sure,

709
00:39:06.880 --> 00:39:09.300
the more inexperienced you sound,

710
00:39:09.300 --> 00:39:10.920
the more they're gonna go after you.

711
00:39:10.920 --> 00:39:13.400
So you wanna always sound confident,

712
00:39:13.400 --> 00:39:16.280
like you got this, you know what you're doing,

713
00:39:17.120 --> 00:39:19.520
you feel like a million bucks and you got a whole team.

714
00:39:19.520 --> 00:39:21.320
And it is okay for you to say, oh my gosh,

715
00:39:21.320 --> 00:39:23.720
yeah, I'm part of a singles community

716
00:39:23.720 --> 00:39:27.360
and my girls and guys, you know, we got each other's back.

717
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:29.480
We're kind of doing this as a community.

718
00:39:29.480 --> 00:39:31.800
Like, you can let people know that,

719
00:39:31.800 --> 00:39:34.380
that you have a community looking out for you.

720
00:39:34.380 --> 00:39:35.840
Like, I have a community.

721
00:39:35.840 --> 00:39:37.440
They're gonna, like, I'm gonna make sure

722
00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:38.960
when I start dating somebody,

723
00:39:38.960 --> 00:39:40.360
they're gonna meet my community

724
00:39:40.360 --> 00:39:42.280
and I wanna meet their community.

725
00:39:42.280 --> 00:39:43.880
Like, it's okay to say that.

726
00:39:43.880 --> 00:39:44.720
I mean, it's okay.

727
00:39:44.720 --> 00:39:46.960
Because if he's a good guy or a good girl,

728
00:39:46.960 --> 00:39:49.000
they're gonna wanna meet your community.

729
00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:52.400
Okay, did any other question come up

730
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:54.460
while I've been talking?

731
00:39:59.200 --> 00:40:00.040
Well, Brandon.

732
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.160
If you can get a professional photographer

733
00:40:02.160 --> 00:40:06.320
to give away free shots, I mean, that's pretty stinking amazing

734
00:40:06.320 --> 00:40:07.640
because, I don't know.

735
00:40:07.640 --> 00:40:08.560
Let's see.

736
00:40:08.560 --> 00:40:09.760
Can you say that dating app?

737
00:40:09.760 --> 00:40:11.800
All right, I got that list.

738
00:40:11.800 --> 00:40:13.640
Fish pics or no fish pics?

739
00:40:13.640 --> 00:40:14.840
Oh, yeah.

740
00:40:14.840 --> 00:40:16.040
Well, here's the thing, y'all.

741
00:40:16.040 --> 00:40:17.000
Some people like fishing.

742
00:40:17.000 --> 00:40:19.280
Like, I know for me, if I see a guy holding fish

743
00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:21.400
or on his motorcycle, that's a no for me.

744
00:40:21.400 --> 00:40:22.960
Because those are two things he loves,

745
00:40:22.960 --> 00:40:26.440
and he wants to share it with somebody who loves that stuff.

746
00:40:26.440 --> 00:40:28.600
And especially motorcycles, people

747
00:40:28.600 --> 00:40:31.400
are really passionate about their motorcycles.

748
00:40:31.400 --> 00:40:33.720
So if you love to ride, you want your guy or girl

749
00:40:33.720 --> 00:40:34.600
to ride with you.

750
00:40:34.600 --> 00:40:36.960
And I'm just scared to death of those things.

751
00:40:36.960 --> 00:40:40.840
And so I never wanted to take somebody away

752
00:40:40.840 --> 00:40:41.840
from the very thing.

753
00:40:41.840 --> 00:40:42.920
And I don't think I ever would have

754
00:40:42.920 --> 00:40:44.360
felt safe the entire marriage.

755
00:40:44.360 --> 00:40:47.240
Like, if I had a husband who had a motorcycle,

756
00:40:47.240 --> 00:40:48.960
I'd be scared to death every single night

757
00:40:48.960 --> 00:40:49.800
he was on that thing.

758
00:40:49.800 --> 00:40:52.400
Like, I would just be on medication.

759
00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:55.280
So it wouldn't be worth it for me.

760
00:40:55.280 --> 00:40:56.840
That doesn't mean motorcycles are bad,

761
00:40:56.840 --> 00:41:01.040
because some of you love them, and that's super great.

762
00:41:01.040 --> 00:41:03.920
What about couples who make long-distance work, then?

763
00:41:03.920 --> 00:41:05.960
Of course, people make long-distance work.

764
00:41:05.960 --> 00:41:07.880
Like, Brian and I made long-distance work.

765
00:41:07.880 --> 00:41:09.320
Here's what I can tell you, though.

766
00:41:09.320 --> 00:41:11.280
I think why Brian and I have such a great,

767
00:41:11.280 --> 00:41:14.160
so back to that long-distance question.

768
00:41:14.160 --> 00:41:16.240
I think why Brian and I, A, got married so fast,

769
00:41:16.240 --> 00:41:20.640
B, have assumed marriage so well and have had any rocky moments,

770
00:41:20.640 --> 00:41:24.440
is because he moved here very quickly.

771
00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:27.320
Brian got a job here within two months of meeting me.

772
00:41:27.320 --> 00:41:30.520
And so we were able to do everyday life together

773
00:41:30.520 --> 00:41:31.600
really, really fast.

774
00:41:31.600 --> 00:41:33.120
I think we would still be together

775
00:41:33.120 --> 00:41:34.760
if he was still in Kentucky.

776
00:41:34.760 --> 00:41:37.240
I just think it would have moved a little bit slower.

777
00:41:37.240 --> 00:41:40.840
My only caution on long distance is I 100%

778
00:41:40.840 --> 00:41:45.960
believe somebody has to move at least temporarily

779
00:41:45.960 --> 00:41:49.960
to watch each other day to day before you get engaged.

780
00:41:49.960 --> 00:41:52.240
If you wait till engagement, it is really

781
00:41:52.240 --> 00:41:55.040
hard to wind that thing back.

782
00:41:55.040 --> 00:41:57.760
So I think SIMBAS needs to happen.

783
00:41:57.760 --> 00:42:01.040
The pre-marriage class needs to happen before you get engaged.

784
00:42:01.040 --> 00:42:03.640
And I think living in the same area at least a month

785
00:42:03.640 --> 00:42:05.640
needs to happen before you get engaged.

786
00:42:05.640 --> 00:42:06.640
That's just me.

787
00:42:06.640 --> 00:42:09.400
That's just what I have seen with Jackie in this program.

788
00:42:09.400 --> 00:42:13.080
Marriages where people did not live in the same state

789
00:42:13.080 --> 00:42:17.080
and then got married, they've had a lot more struggles.

790
00:42:17.080 --> 00:42:18.760
It's not that those marriages have failed,

791
00:42:18.760 --> 00:42:22.120
but they've had to work a lot harder because, especially

792
00:42:22.120 --> 00:42:26.240
if there were kiddos involved, because dating a single dad who

793
00:42:26.240 --> 00:42:29.460
comes to see you and he doesn't have the kids with him

794
00:42:29.460 --> 00:42:32.520
is not the same as dating a single dad with teenagers

795
00:42:32.520 --> 00:42:35.160
and they're in the house all the time.

796
00:42:35.160 --> 00:42:36.560
Completely two different things.

797
00:42:36.560 --> 00:42:38.120
And that goes for the women too.

798
00:42:38.120 --> 00:42:41.960
It's not a bad, it's just you're dating completely different

799
00:42:41.960 --> 00:42:44.000
and you're seeing a whole different story.

800
00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:46.680
And so you really want to make sure you know what you're

801
00:42:46.680 --> 00:42:48.040
getting yourself into.

802
00:42:52.160 --> 00:42:55.080
Really hope I'm not the only one that reads the bio.

803
00:42:55.080 --> 00:42:56.960
I mean, I read the bios.

804
00:42:56.960 --> 00:43:03.040
I mean, I'm not saying that Dan, Dan, Dan, you're the guy.

805
00:43:03.040 --> 00:43:04.920
Yeah, dude, you're one of the few.

806
00:43:04.920 --> 00:43:08.840
I'm just going to say, no, you're not the only guy.

807
00:43:08.840 --> 00:43:12.880
You're not the only guy, but you're on the short list, ladies, right?

808
00:43:12.880 --> 00:43:14.040
You're on the short list.

809
00:43:14.040 --> 00:43:16.200
If you read the full bio, you're on the short list.

810
00:43:16.200 --> 00:43:18.800
OK.

811
00:43:18.800 --> 00:43:22.080
You all, actually, it is 742.

812
00:43:22.080 --> 00:43:24.200
I only want to talk for a few minutes because I really

813
00:43:24.200 --> 00:43:26.760
love letting you guys ask questions.

814
00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:29.480
And it could be about anything I just talked about

815
00:43:29.480 --> 00:43:31.400
and or something else more specific.

816
00:43:31.400 --> 00:43:36.760
If you are getting stuck on the photos, not getting to conversation,

817
00:43:36.760 --> 00:43:40.880
conversation not getting to video, video not getting to actual dates,

818
00:43:40.880 --> 00:43:43.320
I want you to come on and ask and let us help you

819
00:43:43.320 --> 00:43:47.360
because you're probably going to help five other people on here.

820
00:43:47.360 --> 00:43:52.160
But you've already heard me say, keep faith questions light and simple.

821
00:43:52.160 --> 00:43:56.120
Here's a great way to ask about faith.

822
00:43:56.120 --> 00:44:02.600
So what takes up most of your time besides work?

823
00:44:02.600 --> 00:44:05.680
What takes up most of your time besides work?

824
00:44:05.680 --> 00:44:09.920
That you should hear things like faith, like, oh, I go out with my friends.

825
00:44:09.920 --> 00:44:11.040
I go to church.

826
00:44:11.040 --> 00:44:12.440
I work out at the gym.

827
00:44:12.440 --> 00:44:14.600
I play pickleball.

828
00:44:14.600 --> 00:44:17.640
So that's the first place I look for their faith answer.

829
00:44:17.640 --> 00:44:19.640
Then I'll say, awesome.

830
00:44:19.640 --> 00:44:21.920
So say I don't hear church in there.

831
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:29.880
Then I say, so tell me, where do you go for your source of strength

832
00:44:29.880 --> 00:44:31.240
when you've been through tough times?

833
00:44:31.240 --> 00:44:33.040
Like, what helps you feel good?

834
00:44:33.040 --> 00:44:38.120
Somebody might say, go to the beach, working out, pray, meditation.

835
00:44:38.120 --> 00:44:40.480
So I'm looking for that answer there too.

836
00:44:40.480 --> 00:44:44.560
So if I don't hear that, and then I might say, well,

837
00:44:44.560 --> 00:44:47.280
what do you wish you had more time to do?

838
00:44:47.280 --> 00:44:51.800
So what takes up your time besides your job?

839
00:44:51.800 --> 00:44:55.000
Where do you turn to when life gets rough?

840
00:44:55.000 --> 00:44:57.600
And what do you wish you had more time to do?

841
00:44:57.600 --> 00:45:00.080
If their faith story doesn't show up in any

842
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.840
give those three answers, eh, I'm really flagging it.

843
00:45:04.840 --> 00:45:07.160
I'm like really paying attention to that.

844
00:45:07.160 --> 00:45:09.640
And so if I'm on a video call with them,

845
00:45:09.640 --> 00:45:12.640
I might then say, hey, I'm not sure if you notice

846
00:45:12.640 --> 00:45:15.760
in my profile, but my faith is super important to me.

847
00:45:15.760 --> 00:45:17.160
It's kind of my foundation.

848
00:45:17.160 --> 00:45:19.620
I didn't hear you mention that at all yet.

849
00:45:19.620 --> 00:45:22.080
Would you be open to tell me a little bit about your faith

850
00:45:22.080 --> 00:45:23.720
and what that looks like for you?

851
00:45:25.120 --> 00:45:28.080
And then I wait to see what their answer is.

852
00:45:28.080 --> 00:45:31.800
And I usually gauge from that.

853
00:45:31.800 --> 00:45:34.480
And so pay attention to that in faith.

854
00:45:34.480 --> 00:45:37.480
So those are easy ways for you to find out about faith.

855
00:45:37.480 --> 00:45:39.920
I think any more questions about faith

856
00:45:39.920 --> 00:45:41.780
should wait till you meet them in person.

857
00:45:41.780 --> 00:45:44.080
That's just my personal opinion.

858
00:45:44.080 --> 00:45:45.880
I'm gonna, before I meet them in person,

859
00:45:45.880 --> 00:45:48.840
I'm gonna make sure that they're single and really single.

860
00:45:48.840 --> 00:45:50.880
I think Jackie's favorite question was,

861
00:45:50.880 --> 00:45:54.040
does anybody else think they're in a relationship with you?

862
00:45:54.040 --> 00:45:57.200
Does anybody else think they're in a relationship with you?

863
00:45:57.200 --> 00:45:58.560
That's always a great question.

864
00:45:58.560 --> 00:46:01.080
Like, oh, are you, you know, are you dating?

865
00:46:01.080 --> 00:46:02.880
Yes, I mean, and here's the thing,

866
00:46:02.880 --> 00:46:05.360
we're all, you know, in this middle, we're not dating.

867
00:46:05.360 --> 00:46:07.600
For those of you that feel uncomfortable saying,

868
00:46:07.600 --> 00:46:09.200
I don't date more than one person,

869
00:46:09.200 --> 00:46:10.880
like you might meet a guy or girl who says,

870
00:46:10.880 --> 00:46:13.400
I don't date more than one person at the same time.

871
00:46:13.400 --> 00:46:15.900
And you can say, you know, I don't either.

872
00:46:15.900 --> 00:46:18.240
What I am doing when I meet people online

873
00:46:18.240 --> 00:46:21.720
is having discovery calls and discovery visits with them.

874
00:46:21.720 --> 00:46:24.600
Because as you realize, we're meeting complete strangers.

875
00:46:24.600 --> 00:46:27.480
Those first few interactions, it's just discovery.

876
00:46:27.480 --> 00:46:29.620
I would not consider that dating.

877
00:46:29.620 --> 00:46:32.180
That's just me getting to know a complete stranger.

878
00:46:32.180 --> 00:46:35.040
Yes, once I realize I think I actually like somebody

879
00:46:35.040 --> 00:46:37.940
and I wanna start dating them more intentionally,

880
00:46:37.940 --> 00:46:39.640
then I am gonna go down to one person,

881
00:46:39.640 --> 00:46:41.200
just like you're talking about.

882
00:46:41.200 --> 00:46:43.920
I'm just not gonna dive in and call that first encounter

883
00:46:43.920 --> 00:46:46.200
a date with a complete stranger.

884
00:46:46.200 --> 00:46:49.560
I'm just gonna call it, you know, a discovery visit.

885
00:46:49.560 --> 00:46:52.460
So that's kinda how I kinda work towards that.

886
00:46:52.460 --> 00:46:55.420
Whenever you're having those initial conversations

887
00:46:55.420 --> 00:46:58.440
by text and in the video date and even your first date,

888
00:46:58.440 --> 00:47:00.660
you wanna keep your, I say this all the time,

889
00:47:00.660 --> 00:47:02.660
keep your conversation in the present.

890
00:47:02.660 --> 00:47:07.040
Be careful how much past information y'all talk about.

891
00:47:07.040 --> 00:47:10.420
Be careful how much you talk about the future,

892
00:47:10.420 --> 00:47:12.260
like past six months out.

893
00:47:13.240 --> 00:47:15.220
You don't wanna project too far in the past

894
00:47:15.220 --> 00:47:18.120
and like unload your trauma and drama on each other.

895
00:47:18.120 --> 00:47:20.340
But you also don't wanna be talking and dreaming

896
00:47:20.340 --> 00:47:21.460
too far into the future.

897
00:47:21.460 --> 00:47:23.180
You wanna stay super present.

898
00:47:23.180 --> 00:47:27.140
Okay, so be thinking about your dating questions,

899
00:47:27.140 --> 00:47:28.260
all the situations.

900
00:47:28.260 --> 00:47:30.260
If there's something in the chat,

901
00:47:30.260 --> 00:47:32.300
please, somebody bring it up.

902
00:47:32.300 --> 00:47:33.940
Otherwise, I'm gonna, ooh, look at,

903
00:47:33.940 --> 00:47:36.940
I have two guys with questions first.

904
00:47:36.940 --> 00:47:38.220
Love it.

905
00:47:38.220 --> 00:47:40.860
Okay, David, you are a brave man.

906
00:47:40.860 --> 00:47:41.700
I love it.

907
00:47:43.420 --> 00:47:44.260
Me?

908
00:47:46.180 --> 00:47:47.020
Am I, are you talking about-

909
00:47:47.020 --> 00:47:49.340
I can hear you, you're on.

910
00:47:49.340 --> 00:47:52.700
So I had a girl delete me, forgive me, I'm at Starbucks,

911
00:47:52.700 --> 00:47:54.460
delete me on Hinge because I swapped out

912
00:47:54.460 --> 00:47:56.780
one of my pics on my profile,

913
00:47:56.780 --> 00:47:59.780
like a normal looking one with one where I'm in a tank top

914
00:47:59.780 --> 00:48:02.780
and my face was kind of cut off or my head.

915
00:48:02.780 --> 00:48:06.100
And I think you have to remember that both men and women

916
00:48:06.100 --> 00:48:09.540
are watching the changes you're making to your profile,

917
00:48:09.540 --> 00:48:11.120
I guess, at any moment.

918
00:48:11.120 --> 00:48:13.660
And so not only that, but on Hinge,

919
00:48:13.660 --> 00:48:17.700
they have something called dating intentions

920
00:48:17.700 --> 00:48:18.700
and relationship types.

921
00:48:19.060 --> 00:48:22.900
So if you swap that out to get different matches

922
00:48:22.900 --> 00:48:24.700
and someone you're talking to sees that,

923
00:48:24.700 --> 00:48:26.380
they could automatically question,

924
00:48:26.380 --> 00:48:28.780
because we were gonna go on a date on Friday

925
00:48:28.780 --> 00:48:31.220
and she questioned, what am I looking for?

926
00:48:32.260 --> 00:48:34.860
And I told her, and then she just deleted me, so.

927
00:48:34.860 --> 00:48:36.780
What did you say you were looking for?

928
00:48:38.100 --> 00:48:40.060
Long-term.

929
00:48:40.060 --> 00:48:43.220
There's something on Hinge called long-term open to short.

930
00:48:43.220 --> 00:48:44.620
I don't know what short means,

931
00:48:44.620 --> 00:48:46.300
but I don't know why people put that,

932
00:48:46.300 --> 00:48:50.340
but, and then I think it was the picture

933
00:48:50.340 --> 00:48:51.380
she probably didn't like,

934
00:48:51.380 --> 00:48:55.140
because I don't know if it's because my face was cut off

935
00:48:55.140 --> 00:48:57.180
or because a tank top signifies

936
00:48:57.180 --> 00:48:59.380
that you're showing off your body,

937
00:48:59.380 --> 00:49:01.420
so you're looking for sex.

938
00:49:01.420 --> 00:49:02.340
I will say this.

939
00:49:02.340 --> 00:49:04.500
I don't know, it was, I can't, no, yeah.

940
00:49:04.500 --> 00:49:06.420
No, no, David, that's a good question.

941
00:49:06.420 --> 00:49:09.260
I will say this, and I could be judgy McJudgy on this

942
00:49:09.260 --> 00:49:10.300
with the tank top.

943
00:49:10.300 --> 00:49:11.580
Judgy McJudgy.

944
00:49:11.580 --> 00:49:13.780
I could be judgy McJudgy on this.

945
00:49:13.780 --> 00:49:17.540
I think women, when they see a guy in tank top,

946
00:49:17.540 --> 00:49:19.300
like, I don't, right?

947
00:49:19.300 --> 00:49:21.340
I'm trying to, like, Karen's laughing.

948
00:49:21.340 --> 00:49:25.060
Like, it's not necessarily the best look.

949
00:49:25.060 --> 00:49:27.180
Is he gay?

950
00:49:27.180 --> 00:49:29.740
Is he in love with his body?

951
00:49:29.740 --> 00:49:31.260
Like, I'm trying to be very polite.

952
00:49:31.260 --> 00:49:32.100
Right, ladies?

953
00:49:32.100 --> 00:49:34.540
Like, men in tank tops, thank you.

954
00:49:34.540 --> 00:49:36.340
Some people are just nodding their heads.

955
00:49:36.340 --> 00:49:37.340
Just don't do it.

956
00:49:38.940 --> 00:49:41.340
And it's probably like,

957
00:49:41.340 --> 00:49:43.380
I'm sure there's certain pictures of women

958
00:49:43.980 --> 00:49:45.940
that you guys immediately go, eh.

959
00:49:45.940 --> 00:49:49.780
So it could be it's a little too sexual.

960
00:49:49.780 --> 00:49:52.380
It could be she saw too much.

961
00:49:52.380 --> 00:49:54.540
It could be she thought you were gay.

962
00:49:54.540 --> 00:49:57.780
Or she was offended that you changed the profile photo.

963
00:49:57.780 --> 00:49:58.620
Who knows?

964
00:49:58.620 --> 00:50:00.180
But David, your girl is gonna.

965
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.680
ask you. Your girl is not going to be, especially if you haven't even had a first date, your

966
00:50:06.680 --> 00:50:14.040
girl is not going to care that you change out a profile photo. And, and so she might

967
00:50:14.040 --> 00:50:19.920
be weirded by that, but we don't know. We could try to guess a lot of reasons why she

968
00:50:19.920 --> 00:50:26.000
got weirded out, but I'm going to encourage you no more photos with the tank top and make

969
00:50:26.000 --> 00:50:32.640
sure your full head is in the photo. And you guys, no crotch, for men listening, no crotch

970
00:50:32.640 --> 00:50:40.640
shot or no photos where you're doing, why do guys do this thing? Where you're sitting

971
00:50:40.640 --> 00:50:47.240
like this, you know what I'm talking about? And your, and, and, and your crotch is open

972
00:50:47.240 --> 00:50:53.880
there. Like, like, you know what I'm saying? It's like the crotch shot, like, but you're

973
00:50:53.880 --> 00:51:00.920
like, basically, you know, ladies, you know what I'm talking about, right? I'm just saying

974
00:51:00.920 --> 00:51:06.500
don't do it in the same way. We don't want it. We shouldn't be showing too much boob.

975
00:51:06.500 --> 00:51:11.880
We don't want to see that. So that's my, but David, you're adorable and you're sweet and

976
00:51:11.880 --> 00:51:17.240
show your full face and be proud of who you are and what you're looking for. And she lost

977
00:51:17.240 --> 00:51:19.960
because she did not get to know you.

978
00:51:19.960 --> 00:51:24.640
The picture was with my head. It's just the app wouldn't let me crop it properly. Oh,

979
00:51:24.640 --> 00:51:32.800
I think. Yeah. Okay. So is there anything else I can help you with though? David, David,

980
00:51:32.800 --> 00:51:38.200
how long have you been in the program since like the fall? I just haven't done the heartwork,

981
00:51:38.200 --> 00:51:42.880
but I got a job recently with the IRS. So I'm about to start in September. Look, I'm

982
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:48.000
spotlighting you cause you're a guy and this doesn't happen very often. We don't get guys.

983
00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:51.640
I'm not really that presentable. I'm traveling. But you look adorable. Ladies, doesn't he

984
00:51:51.640 --> 00:51:55.800
look adorable? You look adorable. You got the right amount of scruff. You got a button

985
00:51:55.800 --> 00:52:01.040
down shirt. Well, this is not normally the way my beard looks and I need a haircut, but

986
00:52:01.040 --> 00:52:04.800
see that I've been traveling for like 11 days. You're getting a lot of hearts. You look adorable.

987
00:52:04.800 --> 00:52:08.480
All right, David, tell us three things about yourself. I'm going to, I'm going to put you

988
00:52:08.480 --> 00:52:17.440
on the spot right here. How old are you? 39. 39. Where do you live? Unfortunately, taco

989
00:52:17.440 --> 00:52:23.200
town, San Antonio. Oh my gosh. That's so bad. Okay. So you live in San Antonio. Um,

990
00:52:23.200 --> 00:52:28.800
divorce, widow, never married. No, no, I'm never married. I don't have any kids. Okay.

991
00:52:28.800 --> 00:52:34.440
Tell us. And so you said you just got a job with the IRS. Yeah. Uh, it remains to be seen

992
00:52:34.440 --> 00:52:40.320
if I succeed in it. I've been trying to get on with him for a few years, but okay. Um,

993
00:52:40.320 --> 00:52:46.200
tell us, tell us two things that you love to do. I love singing like karaoke. Like I

994
00:52:46.280 --> 00:52:51.400
could sing on the spot, like, and it could sound good. I mean, I'm not a professional,

995
00:52:51.400 --> 00:52:57.560
but, um, I like to work out like multiple times a week. Although I'm not really like

996
00:52:57.560 --> 00:53:01.320
making any gains cause you have to eat a lot to get muscle. You know, everybody knows that.

997
00:53:01.320 --> 00:53:06.600
I'm just, you have to eat like one gram per pound of body weight to get, or you're supposed

998
00:53:06.600 --> 00:53:12.680
to, or at least half a gram. Oh my gosh. Uh, it's ridiculous. Uh, the third, you said three

999
00:53:12.680 --> 00:53:18.120
things. If you have one more, that's it. And then I'm on spotlighting. So time is running out.

1000
00:53:19.880 --> 00:53:24.120
Games, all kinds of games, any kind of game, video games, board games, icebreaker games.

1001
00:53:25.720 --> 00:53:31.480
Okay. Ladies look at, and David, is this how your name appears on Facebook?

1002
00:53:33.320 --> 00:53:36.200
It's just David Simmons. Yeah. I put my Instagram. There you go.

1003
00:53:37.720 --> 00:53:39.720
All right, David. I did have some other questions, but

1004
00:53:39.800 --> 00:53:42.680
All right. What is it? Sorry. I interrupted you with a little showcase.

1005
00:53:42.680 --> 00:53:52.600
You said on March 19th on that one, deck our DMs. Do you mean like on the app or what? I didn't know

1006
00:53:52.600 --> 00:53:55.880
what you were talking about. DMs where? Like on the last year single app or?

1007
00:53:55.880 --> 00:54:03.080
Oh, Oh, Oh. Um, no, the reason why I just asked you is, um, right now, the only way you can direct

1008
00:54:03.080 --> 00:54:08.680
message each other in this community is either on Instagram direct message or Facebook. That's

1009
00:54:08.680 --> 00:54:13.000
why I wanted to make sure that's why I said to everybody at the front end, make sure how your

1010
00:54:13.000 --> 00:54:21.240
name is in the handle here. They can find you. And now obviously with Facebook, if you get a

1011
00:54:21.240 --> 00:54:26.120
message from somebody, that's not a friend, it goes to that other column. So for those of you

1012
00:54:26.120 --> 00:54:30.840
that are single, you guys need to make sure you check that column regularly. Otherwise you could

1013
00:54:30.840 --> 00:54:38.360
miss somebody trying to talk to you. Um, and so, so if you, and no, I'm glad you brought that up.

1014
00:54:38.360 --> 00:54:43.240
So you guys, if somebody from the community reaches out to you, we're going to be kind and

1015
00:54:43.240 --> 00:54:51.000
we're going to be polite. Um, I would say, try to give everybody a chance. You all like, if somebody

1016
00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:56.440
has the guts to say, Hey, I would like to have a conversation with you. Go to a quick Facebook

1017
00:54:56.440 --> 00:54:59.960
messenger video chat and book a 10 minute discussion.

1018
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.300
every conversation with each other.

1019
00:55:02.300 --> 00:55:04.900
Like, be willing to practice on each other.

1020
00:55:04.900 --> 00:55:08.080
Be willing to talk, ask good questions.

1021
00:55:08.080 --> 00:55:10.900
Like, see it as nothing more than being friendly

1022
00:55:10.900 --> 00:55:13.740
because you might not be the right match for this person,

1023
00:55:13.740 --> 00:55:15.920
but you might know somebody else in the community.

1024
00:55:15.920 --> 00:55:18.220
Like, say I do a 10-minute with David.

1025
00:55:18.220 --> 00:55:20.200
I might go, you know what, David's in San Antonio.

1026
00:55:20.200 --> 00:55:21.420
That's really not gonna work for me,

1027
00:55:21.420 --> 00:55:23.420
but I know two other ladies down in that area

1028
00:55:23.420 --> 00:55:25.140
I think he would be great for.

1029
00:55:25.140 --> 00:55:27.540
I'm gonna mention him to those two ladies.

1030
00:55:27.540 --> 00:55:31.740
So again, we're all for community dating here,

1031
00:55:31.740 --> 00:55:33.740
and so community matchmaking.

1032
00:55:33.740 --> 00:55:35.500
And so if somebody reaches out to you,

1033
00:55:35.500 --> 00:55:39.540
unless it's a complete no, no, no, no,

1034
00:55:39.540 --> 00:55:41.860
try to give everybody a chance.

1035
00:55:41.860 --> 00:55:44.140
Now, if you're amazing and you get bombarded

1036
00:55:44.140 --> 00:55:45.660
with 50 people in your DMs,

1037
00:55:45.660 --> 00:55:47.420
and you're like, well, now I can't keep up with everybody,

1038
00:55:47.420 --> 00:55:48.660
then maybe you can't.

1039
00:55:49.660 --> 00:55:52.980
And just try to have a little bit of a conversation

1040
00:55:52.980 --> 00:55:54.920
and be polite in your no.

1041
00:55:54.960 --> 00:55:57.560
Let's make sure we don't say things like,

1042
00:55:57.560 --> 00:56:00.200
you're too short, you're too fat, you're too tall.

1043
00:56:00.200 --> 00:56:02.600
Like, you're not in shape, I'm in shape.

1044
00:56:02.600 --> 00:56:04.680
Like, let's just be careful about the reasons

1045
00:56:04.680 --> 00:56:07.200
why we tell people we're not interested.

1046
00:56:08.060 --> 00:56:09.880
Let's just say, you know what,

1047
00:56:09.880 --> 00:56:12.280
I really appreciate you reaching out to me.

1048
00:56:14.520 --> 00:56:18.040
I just don't think I wanna pursue anything further.

1049
00:56:18.040 --> 00:56:19.680
And just leave it at that.

1050
00:56:19.680 --> 00:56:22.600
Like, don't feel like you have to make up an excuse

1051
00:56:23.560 --> 00:56:25.160
if you don't really have a good one,

1052
00:56:25.160 --> 00:56:26.600
if you don't really have a kind one.

1053
00:56:26.600 --> 00:56:28.260
If you don't have a good one or a kind one,

1054
00:56:28.260 --> 00:56:29.800
don't make up an answer.

1055
00:56:29.800 --> 00:56:32.360
Just be like, thank you so much for reaching out.

1056
00:56:32.360 --> 00:56:35.160
I don't think so at this time, but thank you again.

1057
00:56:35.160 --> 00:56:36.960
And be that simple and to the point.

1058
00:56:36.960 --> 00:56:38.960
What was your other question?

1059
00:56:38.960 --> 00:56:41.920
You said Marco, Mark, I don't know what you were talking

1060
00:56:41.920 --> 00:56:44.880
about as an alternative way to video chat other than Facebook.

1061
00:56:44.880 --> 00:56:46.480
I was like, what, Mark?

1062
00:56:46.480 --> 00:56:47.320
What is she talking about?

1063
00:56:47.320 --> 00:56:49.400
You don't know Marco Polo?

1064
00:56:49.400 --> 00:56:51.080
I know the game, but what are you talking about?

1065
00:56:51.080 --> 00:56:54.400
There is an app called Marco Polo.

1066
00:56:55.240 --> 00:56:57.240
Well, you didn't say the word Polo on March 19th.

1067
00:56:57.240 --> 00:56:58.600
I didn't hear you say it.

1068
00:56:58.600 --> 00:57:02.720
It's literally M-A-R-C-O-P-O-L-O.

1069
00:57:02.720 --> 00:57:06.080
Like Brian and I have, so like, you know how Snapchat,

1070
00:57:06.080 --> 00:57:08.520
you can like private, like little video clips

1071
00:57:08.520 --> 00:57:10.000
of each other? There's duo.

1072
00:57:11.360 --> 00:57:15.080
Right, but I guess Marco Polo is for old farts.

1073
00:57:15.080 --> 00:57:18.360
But I basically have a year and a half

1074
00:57:18.360 --> 00:57:21.120
of video conversations between me and Brian.

1075
00:57:21.120 --> 00:57:23.840
Like I have all of our conversations sitting here.

1076
00:57:23.840 --> 00:57:25.920
And Marco Polo, the paid version,

1077
00:57:25.920 --> 00:57:28.400
you can actually speed up and slow down.

1078
00:57:28.400 --> 00:57:31.560
So if you are friends with somebody on here

1079
00:57:31.560 --> 00:57:33.640
who talks really slow, you can speed them up

1080
00:57:33.640 --> 00:57:34.840
and it's really helpful,

1081
00:57:34.840 --> 00:57:36.840
especially if they don't know how to shut up.

1082
00:57:36.840 --> 00:57:38.000
I have friends that are like that.

1083
00:57:38.000 --> 00:57:40.160
I won't say who they are, but okay.

1084
00:57:40.160 --> 00:57:45.160
But like, so Brian and I Marco'd a lot when we were dating

1085
00:57:45.400 --> 00:57:47.280
and he was long distance and you guys,

1086
00:57:47.280 --> 00:57:49.320
Marco Polo is like a really fun way

1087
00:57:49.320 --> 00:57:51.640
if you're not on the same schedule and you're like,

1088
00:57:51.640 --> 00:57:53.520
oh, look it, this is me going to work.

1089
00:57:53.520 --> 00:57:56.000
This is me going down to the grocery store.

1090
00:57:56.000 --> 00:57:58.560
So it's a way to start, especially if you're long distance

1091
00:57:58.560 --> 00:58:01.360
to show each other in your natural habitat.

1092
00:58:01.360 --> 00:58:03.960
And that is how I met a lot of people

1093
00:58:03.960 --> 00:58:06.760
that Brian worked with is he took the phone

1094
00:58:06.760 --> 00:58:10.040
to the hospital where he was working and he did rounds

1095
00:58:10.040 --> 00:58:11.440
and he took the phone with him.

1096
00:58:11.440 --> 00:58:13.240
So I got to meet all of these people,

1097
00:58:13.240 --> 00:58:14.960
but of course he did the night shift.

1098
00:58:14.960 --> 00:58:18.120
And so he did his Marco Polo at 12 o'clock at night.

1099
00:58:18.120 --> 00:58:19.600
I would not have appreciated a phone call

1100
00:58:19.600 --> 00:58:21.560
at 12 o'clock at night.

1101
00:58:21.560 --> 00:58:25.480
So Marco Polo, it's a video app.

1102
00:58:25.480 --> 00:58:27.480
So you can leave video messages to each other.

1103
00:58:27.480 --> 00:58:28.960
I find that way cooler.

1104
00:58:28.960 --> 00:58:31.800
They've just voice texts or texting all day.

1105
00:58:33.040 --> 00:58:34.040
And I will say you guys,

1106
00:58:34.040 --> 00:58:37.920
because Brian and I video chatted on FaceTime

1107
00:58:37.920 --> 00:58:42.480
and Marco Polo, we hardly use texting at all.

1108
00:58:42.480 --> 00:58:44.080
Here's what like Brian will do.

1109
00:58:44.120 --> 00:58:48.000
Like Brian will text me just about every single morning,

1110
00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:51.280
like a little, I got to work and here's my love note to you

1111
00:58:51.280 --> 00:58:53.320
almost every single morning, pretty much

1112
00:58:53.320 --> 00:58:54.400
every single morning.

1113
00:58:54.400 --> 00:58:57.320
That's really, or it's, hey, I'm on my way home.

1114
00:58:57.320 --> 00:59:00.120
Hey, can you pick up cream from the grocery store?

1115
00:59:00.120 --> 00:59:01.520
That's the kind of texting we do

1116
00:59:01.520 --> 00:59:04.560
because we've always used video or face-to-face.

1117
00:59:05.440 --> 00:59:08.680
And that's why we hardly have any miscommunication issues.

1118
00:59:08.680 --> 00:59:10.520
All right, do you have another question?

1119
00:59:11.400 --> 00:59:13.360
Yeah, you said something about put your photos

1120
00:59:13.360 --> 00:59:14.920
in your bio on the Facebook page.

1121
00:59:14.920 --> 00:59:15.880
What Facebook page?

1122
00:59:15.880 --> 00:59:18.840
Like ours or last year's single.

1123
00:59:18.840 --> 00:59:21.800
Wait, I'm sorry, ask that question again.

1124
00:59:21.800 --> 00:59:25.040
So, you know, obviously you did the March 19th session

1125
00:59:25.040 --> 00:59:25.880
like this one.

1126
00:59:25.880 --> 00:59:28.360
So you said like, put your photos in your bio

1127
00:59:28.360 --> 00:59:29.960
on the Facebook page.

1128
00:59:29.960 --> 00:59:32.800
So I didn't know what Facebook page you were talking about.

1129
00:59:35.760 --> 00:59:36.720
You were talking about-

1130
00:59:36.720 --> 00:59:37.760
I know, I don't.

1131
00:59:37.760 --> 00:59:40.760
Feature versus, featured photos versus-

1132
00:59:40.760 --> 00:59:41.640
I don't know.

1133
00:59:41.640 --> 00:59:43.040
Something about Facebook.

1134
00:59:43.680 --> 00:59:44.520
I don't know.

1135
00:59:44.520 --> 00:59:47.480
Plus last year's single doesn't have a Facebook.

1136
00:59:47.480 --> 00:59:49.360
Okay, all right.

1137
00:59:49.360 --> 00:59:50.200
You know what?

1138
00:59:50.200 --> 00:59:51.240
I don't know the answer to that.

1139
00:59:51.240 --> 00:59:53.200
So I'm gonna have to-

1140
00:59:53.200 --> 00:59:54.040
I'll ask David.

1141
00:59:54.040 --> 00:59:55.600
I'm supposed to be meeting with him soon anyway.

1142
00:59:55.600 --> 00:59:56.720
All right, but good.

1143
00:59:56.720 --> 00:59:58.280
All right, well, I'm gonna go on.

1144
00:59:58.280 --> 00:59:59.120
Okay.

1145
00:59:59.120 --> 01:00:00.440
So I can't let everybody else talk.

1146
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.440
Hey, Mike, you're up.

1147
01:00:03.440 --> 01:00:06.920
No, Renee, you know, Judgey McJudgey, you know,

1148
01:00:06.920 --> 01:00:09.040
I'm like, I always wear tank tops.

1149
01:00:09.040 --> 01:00:10.720
I'm like, it's kind of, I'm in Cali.

1150
01:00:10.720 --> 01:00:13.200
I go to Redding, it's 120,000 degrees.

1151
01:00:13.200 --> 01:00:14.040
But anyway, I thought you'd say that.

1152
01:00:14.040 --> 01:00:16.440
Dude, wear all the tank tops you want.

1153
01:00:16.440 --> 01:00:19.800
Just don't put the tank top photos on your cover photo.

1154
01:00:19.800 --> 01:00:23.600
But, so, it's funny,

1155
01:00:23.600 --> 01:00:26.200
because my question is, is age,

1156
01:00:26.200 --> 01:00:29.440
I mean, I had a certain parameter set on age,

1157
01:00:29.440 --> 01:00:31.960
but I keep meeting people who are far younger

1158
01:00:31.960 --> 01:00:34.520
than I ever thought of dating.

1159
01:00:34.520 --> 01:00:36.760
And like, what about,

1160
01:00:39.040 --> 01:00:40.960
and so I wasn't open to it for a while,

1161
01:00:40.960 --> 01:00:42.440
but I just keep running into people.

1162
01:00:42.440 --> 01:00:44.440
People think I'm in my 30s, and I'm like, it's funny.

1163
01:00:44.440 --> 01:00:45.760
It's hysterical.

1164
01:00:45.760 --> 01:00:49.080
And then I'm like, yeah, you could meet my 23-year-old son.

1165
01:00:49.080 --> 01:00:52.640
But, so, how do you navigate that?

1166
01:00:52.640 --> 01:00:55.000
And I just really appreciate, you're always so fun.

1167
01:00:55.000 --> 01:00:58.640
You know, and I love that you're opinionated,

1168
01:00:58.640 --> 01:01:00.680
and it's just, you know,

1169
01:01:00.680 --> 01:01:03.000
I miss what that is.

1170
01:01:03.000 --> 01:01:04.520
I'm gonna get all this hate mail

1171
01:01:04.520 --> 01:01:06.560
from people who like tank tops.

1172
01:01:06.560 --> 01:01:07.400
I'm gonna.

1173
01:01:08.680 --> 01:01:11.640
I was like, Renee, if you're back east, one thing,

1174
01:01:11.640 --> 01:01:13.680
but like, dude, it's Cali, it's like,

1175
01:01:13.680 --> 01:01:14.520
oh, it's only 82 today.

1176
01:01:14.520 --> 01:01:17.320
I'm willing to be wrong about the tank top.

1177
01:01:17.320 --> 01:01:19.280
I'm willing to be wrong about it.

1178
01:01:19.280 --> 01:01:20.360
Yeah, no, I know.

1179
01:01:20.360 --> 01:01:22.680
And so I tried the, I met somebody in Redding,

1180
01:01:22.680 --> 01:01:23.520
because I'm always in Redding.

1181
01:01:23.520 --> 01:01:26.080
Okay, so what's too young for you, Mike?

1182
01:01:26.080 --> 01:01:27.200
I mean, I think you could,

1183
01:01:27.200 --> 01:01:29.040
you're in your mid-40s, right?

1184
01:01:30.560 --> 01:01:31.400
48?

1185
01:01:31.400 --> 01:01:32.600
I'll be 51 in two weeks, yeah.

1186
01:01:32.600 --> 01:01:34.840
Shit, man, have we known each other that long?

1187
01:01:34.840 --> 01:01:37.160
We have, dude, it's been crazy.

1188
01:01:37.160 --> 01:01:38.880
And so it's funny, it's funny,

1189
01:01:38.880 --> 01:01:40.600
because like, I stopped dyeing.

1190
01:01:40.600 --> 01:01:43.720
I did my, I did my goat, my beard for a while,

1191
01:01:43.720 --> 01:01:46.240
and then I just wasn't, I like,

1192
01:01:46.240 --> 01:01:48.240
I use gray hair now to make sure people know

1193
01:01:48.240 --> 01:01:49.080
that I'm not.

1194
01:01:49.080 --> 01:01:49.920
That's good.

1195
01:01:49.920 --> 01:01:51.480
All right, so you're about to be 51.

1196
01:01:51.480 --> 01:01:53.720
I think, in today's market,

1197
01:01:53.720 --> 01:01:57.160
you could date, safely, with that looking creeper-ish,

1198
01:01:57.160 --> 01:01:59.040
38 and up.

1199
01:01:59.040 --> 01:01:59.880
Yeah. I do.

1200
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:00.720
So like.

1201
01:02:00.720 --> 01:02:02.560
Yeah, and so, so I just,

1202
01:02:02.560 --> 01:02:04.560
but even 38, like, so, but anyway,

1203
01:02:04.560 --> 01:02:07.080
so there was a gal I met in Redding that was 38.

1204
01:02:07.080 --> 01:02:08.040
I thought she was in her,

1205
01:02:08.040 --> 01:02:09.480
like, I didn't even give her anything,

1206
01:02:09.480 --> 01:02:11.640
and then she chased me down.

1207
01:02:11.640 --> 01:02:12.600
And that was a whole nother story.

1208
01:02:12.600 --> 01:02:14.560
But, but so I just was wondering, like,

1209
01:02:14.560 --> 01:02:18.320
and it's really about life stage, right?

1210
01:02:18.320 --> 01:02:20.040
Like, you know, she had kids, like, whatever,

1211
01:02:20.040 --> 01:02:22.000
and so, you know, I.

1212
01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:24.320
It is, it is a life, it is a life stage.

1213
01:02:24.320 --> 01:02:25.320
Jackie always talking,

1214
01:02:25.320 --> 01:02:27.760
are you in the same season of life?

1215
01:02:27.760 --> 01:02:30.000
You know, and I'm reticent to do long distance,

1216
01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:31.600
just, well, I mean, I tried it once,

1217
01:02:31.600 --> 01:02:33.240
and that kind of crashed and burned hard.

1218
01:02:33.240 --> 01:02:34.080
But.

1219
01:02:34.080 --> 01:02:35.720
Yes, you and I have talked about that.

1220
01:02:35.720 --> 01:02:38.640
I, I've challenged you to.

1221
01:02:38.640 --> 01:02:41.360
You have not challenged me ever, Renee.

1222
01:02:41.360 --> 01:02:43.080
Like, like, every single five seconds.

1223
01:02:43.080 --> 01:02:43.920
But yeah.

1224
01:02:43.920 --> 01:02:45.600
I have challenged Michael to not,

1225
01:02:45.600 --> 01:02:48.760
to reconsider on the long distance thing.

1226
01:02:48.760 --> 01:02:51.320
Now, I think with you, though, you can't move, right?

1227
01:02:51.320 --> 01:02:52.160
You would need them to.

1228
01:02:52.160 --> 01:02:53.680
Correct, I'm pretty much stuck in the Bay Area.

1229
01:02:53.680 --> 01:02:54.760
So, which is.

1230
01:02:54.760 --> 01:02:58.520
So, I would say that if somebody has,

1231
01:02:58.520 --> 01:03:01.400
if there is somebody that is, like, in Texas,

1232
01:03:01.400 --> 01:03:03.560
who has the financial means to come fly

1233
01:03:03.560 --> 01:03:05.360
and be near you a lot,

1234
01:03:05.360 --> 01:03:07.320
and is ready to move to California,

1235
01:03:07.320 --> 01:03:09.360
I would hate to see.

1236
01:03:09.360 --> 01:03:10.440
I mean, here's what you could do.

1237
01:03:10.440 --> 01:03:12.920
You could put that right in your bio.

1238
01:03:12.920 --> 01:03:15.240
I am open to dating long distance.

1239
01:03:15.240 --> 01:03:16.640
I cannot relocate.

1240
01:03:16.640 --> 01:03:20.080
So, it would require you coming out this way

1241
01:03:20.080 --> 01:03:21.640
most of the time.

1242
01:03:21.640 --> 01:03:22.480
And if you.

1243
01:03:22.480 --> 01:03:23.840
Well, I mean, I have no problem flying around

1244
01:03:23.840 --> 01:03:24.680
and doing all this.

1245
01:03:24.680 --> 01:03:25.760
I don't have a problem flying around.

1246
01:03:25.760 --> 01:03:26.880
Sorry, I'm in my car.

1247
01:03:26.880 --> 01:03:28.240
I just got out of the gym.

1248
01:03:28.240 --> 01:03:29.080
Got out of the gym.

1249
01:03:29.080 --> 01:03:30.400
I didn't take any pictures, though.

1250
01:03:30.400 --> 01:03:31.600
Bye.

1251
01:03:31.600 --> 01:03:33.360
You know, but like, anyways, I didn't.

1252
01:03:33.360 --> 01:03:36.760
But, so now, I just kind of trying to navigate that.

1253
01:03:36.760 --> 01:03:39.400
And, well, and, and so, like,

1254
01:03:39.400 --> 01:03:41.840
I guess I'm opening myself up to,

1255
01:03:42.800 --> 01:03:44.600
well, because I'm very active.

1256
01:03:44.600 --> 01:03:47.240
I'm at the gym seven days a week, most likely.

1257
01:03:47.240 --> 01:03:49.080
I mean, whoa, how did I do that?

1258
01:03:49.280 --> 01:03:50.120
I spotlighted you.

1259
01:03:50.120 --> 01:03:52.200
I mean, if I'm talking to you,

1260
01:03:52.200 --> 01:03:54.640
I might as well let everybody see you.

1261
01:03:54.640 --> 01:03:57.040
Sweet, I'm in my gym clothes.

1262
01:03:57.040 --> 01:03:58.080
It's great.

1263
01:03:58.080 --> 01:04:00.240
And it was, I didn't even want to go, but.

1264
01:04:01.640 --> 01:04:04.560
But, so just active, right?

1265
01:04:04.560 --> 01:04:07.120
And I'm almost, and basically, you know,

1266
01:04:07.120 --> 01:04:08.880
it's so funny, I'm at a gallery.

1267
01:04:08.880 --> 01:04:10.480
Here's why girls are picking you.

1268
01:04:10.480 --> 01:04:13.200
Because, Mike, your energy is young.

1269
01:04:13.200 --> 01:04:15.400
You're, and physically, you're in great shape

1270
01:04:15.400 --> 01:04:16.560
and you do look young.

1271
01:04:16.560 --> 01:04:19.240
And so, I don't think it's bad for you

1272
01:04:19.240 --> 01:04:21.520
to get a 38-year-old woman out there.

1273
01:04:21.520 --> 01:04:23.600
Now, do you want kids, though?

1274
01:04:24.600 --> 01:04:25.440
I can't have any more.

1275
01:04:25.440 --> 01:04:26.280
That's the problem.

1276
01:04:26.280 --> 01:04:27.680
Well, I mean, and some of them already have kids.

1277
01:04:27.680 --> 01:04:29.520
It's not a problem, but it just,

1278
01:04:29.520 --> 01:04:31.160
I think that's just something you need

1279
01:04:31.160 --> 01:04:32.120
to be honest about it.

1280
01:04:32.120 --> 01:04:34.400
I just hadn't really, so anyway,

1281
01:04:34.400 --> 01:04:39.400
I just keep having, like, early, like, 38, 37, 40, 41.

1282
01:04:39.480 --> 01:04:42.640
And I hadn't given them any time of day,

1283
01:04:42.640 --> 01:04:45.920
just because I always hate having that question,

1284
01:04:45.920 --> 01:04:48.280
having that conversation about kids, right?

1285
01:04:48.280 --> 01:04:50.200
And I want people to have kids.

1286
01:04:50.200 --> 01:04:52.800
I mean, if people wanna have kids, dude, I love them.

1287
01:04:52.800 --> 01:04:55.280
Well, I mean, I think you just say,

1288
01:04:55.280 --> 01:04:56.320
if they reach out to you,

1289
01:04:56.320 --> 01:04:58.120
I think you just say it right in the opening.

1290
01:04:58.120 --> 01:05:00.040
Here's a few things about me.

1291
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.440
that are not negotiable.

1292
01:05:02.440 --> 01:05:05.000
I can't have kids, and I can't move.

1293
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:06.960
Probably what, 30?

1294
01:05:06.960 --> 01:05:10.800
All right, Coney tells me somebody else wants to speak.

1295
01:05:10.800 --> 01:05:11.640
Wait, yeah.

1296
01:05:12.880 --> 01:05:13.720
All right.

1297
01:05:13.720 --> 01:05:15.040
Sorry, Mike, I unmuted you.

1298
01:05:15.040 --> 01:05:16.920
Crap, how do I get you muted?

1299
01:05:16.920 --> 01:05:19.480
How do I, I can't get you back now.

1300
01:05:19.480 --> 01:05:20.320
There you go.

1301
01:05:20.320 --> 01:05:22.040
No, you just got muted again.

1302
01:05:22.040 --> 01:05:23.560
Try it again.

1303
01:05:23.560 --> 01:05:24.800
All right, here we go.

1304
01:05:24.800 --> 01:05:26.360
Technology, we gotta love it, right?

1305
01:05:26.360 --> 01:05:29.200
So anyways, can you hear me?

1306
01:05:29.200 --> 01:05:30.320
I can hear you, yeah.

1307
01:05:30.320 --> 01:05:31.160
All right, sweet.

1308
01:05:31.160 --> 01:05:32.000
You're not gonna mute me?

1309
01:05:32.000 --> 01:05:36.160
So we're telling you, we're all telling you here,

1310
01:05:36.160 --> 01:05:37.880
be willing to date a little younger,

1311
01:05:37.880 --> 01:05:39.640
because you look young,

1312
01:05:39.640 --> 01:05:42.600
and just be willing to say it right up front,

1313
01:05:42.600 --> 01:05:44.400
and just be like, this isn't like.

1314
01:05:44.400 --> 01:05:45.720
Okay, so how do you have,

1315
01:05:45.720 --> 01:05:47.960
because it's always clunky in the beginning.

1316
01:05:47.960 --> 01:05:49.400
So how do you have that,

1317
01:05:49.400 --> 01:05:51.440
because I don't want hearts to get connected, right?

1318
01:05:51.440 --> 01:05:53.720
So I always have it early.

1319
01:05:53.720 --> 01:05:55.920
You say, literally, you say it right in the,

1320
01:05:55.920 --> 01:05:58.400
in my opinion, the minute she says,

1321
01:05:58.440 --> 01:05:59.840
tell me about yourself,

1322
01:05:59.840 --> 01:06:01.200
you say a few things about you,

1323
01:06:01.200 --> 01:06:04.000
and just say, hey, I want to be super upfront,

1324
01:06:05.240 --> 01:06:07.600
that I can't have any more kids.

1325
01:06:07.600 --> 01:06:10.600
So if you want your own kids,

1326
01:06:10.600 --> 01:06:14.480
like, then I would say we're probably not a match,

1327
01:06:14.480 --> 01:06:17.400
and I can't relocate out of the Bay Area.

1328
01:06:17.400 --> 01:06:19.720
And so while I might, if you were a long distance,

1329
01:06:19.720 --> 01:06:21.440
I might be able to come to you.

1330
01:06:21.440 --> 01:06:24.080
Eventually, I would need you to come this way.

1331
01:06:24.080 --> 01:06:25.560
And you say, literally,

1332
01:06:25.560 --> 01:06:28.480
in the first really good conversation.

1333
01:06:28.480 --> 01:06:30.200
So there is no heart issues,

1334
01:06:30.200 --> 01:06:32.560
you're being kind, you're being open.

1335
01:06:33.720 --> 01:06:34.960
I've had guys do that.

1336
01:06:34.960 --> 01:06:36.480
I had guys do that with me in the beginning,

1337
01:06:36.480 --> 01:06:38.840
like, hey, you know, Renee, you seem adorable,

1338
01:06:38.840 --> 01:06:42.160
but like, I really have no desire to date 10 hours away.

1339
01:06:42.160 --> 01:06:43.120
Part of me used to go like,

1340
01:06:43.120 --> 01:06:44.560
then why did you match up with me?

1341
01:06:44.560 --> 01:06:48.000
But again, I go back to, not everybody,

1342
01:06:48.000 --> 01:06:49.880
not everybody's looking at this city.

1343
01:06:49.880 --> 01:06:51.200
Like, I think sometimes they think

1344
01:06:51.200 --> 01:06:53.880
they've got the parameter set and they miss it,

1345
01:06:53.880 --> 01:06:54.720
or they're like,

1346
01:06:54.720 --> 01:06:56.440
oh, I thought that was Franklin, North Carolina,

1347
01:06:56.440 --> 01:06:58.520
not Franklin, Tennessee, you know?

1348
01:06:59.400 --> 01:07:01.040
And the one other question is,

1349
01:07:01.040 --> 01:07:02.640
and I think you kind of alluded to it too much,

1350
01:07:02.640 --> 01:07:03.480
but I'm pretty, I mean,

1351
01:07:03.480 --> 01:07:07.000
I do ministry pretty much all the time, right?

1352
01:07:07.000 --> 01:07:10.560
You know, I mean, Mondays I help with the men's,

1353
01:07:10.560 --> 01:07:12.560
I'm mentoring a couple of guys, you know,

1354
01:07:12.560 --> 01:07:14.440
my life is constant ministry,

1355
01:07:14.440 --> 01:07:15.800
and that isn't everybody's cup of tea.

1356
01:07:15.800 --> 01:07:17.360
So how would you navigate that?

1357
01:07:18.600 --> 01:07:21.040
Wait, how do you navigate different?

1358
01:07:21.040 --> 01:07:22.600
Well, like spiritual compatibility,

1359
01:07:22.600 --> 01:07:26.720
like, you know, somebody who is a,

1360
01:07:28.680 --> 01:07:30.360
you know, they like going to church and hanging out,

1361
01:07:30.360 --> 01:07:31.640
they go to church, they have a,

1362
01:07:31.640 --> 01:07:34.040
they do some worship and they like,

1363
01:07:34.040 --> 01:07:35.840
versus me where I'm like,

1364
01:07:36.680 --> 01:07:38.720
I don't know what any given day is.

1365
01:07:39.720 --> 01:07:41.800
I mean, here's what I think

1366
01:07:41.800 --> 01:07:44.200
when I look at faith community,

1367
01:07:44.200 --> 01:07:46.840
it's not just where they're at,

1368
01:07:46.840 --> 01:07:51.280
but what you guys both are willing for it to morph into.

1369
01:07:51.280 --> 01:07:53.240
So are you saying you're very active at church

1370
01:07:53.240 --> 01:07:54.360
or you're not very active?

1371
01:07:54.360 --> 01:07:55.800
You are very active.

1372
01:07:55.800 --> 01:07:57.400
Yeah, I'm like active at church.

1373
01:07:57.400 --> 01:07:58.240
I'm active.

1374
01:07:58.240 --> 01:07:59.880
I mean, I go to Reading often

1375
01:07:59.880 --> 01:08:02.480
and that's usually when I meet people,

1376
01:08:02.480 --> 01:08:03.800
is that in Reading?

1377
01:08:03.800 --> 01:08:07.360
So, I mean, like Brian was working three jobs

1378
01:08:07.360 --> 01:08:09.280
and he was doing church online.

1379
01:08:09.280 --> 01:08:12.360
So he had bupkis for church community,

1380
01:08:12.360 --> 01:08:15.840
but he was so hungry for community.

1381
01:08:15.840 --> 01:08:18.200
And so he was like, oh my gosh, Renee,

1382
01:08:18.200 --> 01:08:19.040
I do want to,

1383
01:08:19.040 --> 01:08:21.560
and not only did he say I want to get involved,

1384
01:08:21.560 --> 01:08:25.600
he actively got involved right away without me prompting.

1385
01:08:25.600 --> 01:08:28.040
Like, oh, I noticed that the men,

1386
01:08:28.040 --> 01:08:29.319
they're doing a men's night at the bar.

1387
01:08:29.319 --> 01:08:31.040
In fact, that's where he is right now.

1388
01:08:31.040 --> 01:08:34.359
You know, he's off doing a men's thing tonight.

1389
01:08:34.359 --> 01:08:38.000
And so I did pay attention to that in the first month.

1390
01:08:38.000 --> 01:08:41.399
I did see, like, he says he wants community

1391
01:08:41.399 --> 01:08:44.080
as he's showing me that he wants community

1392
01:08:44.080 --> 01:08:47.120
without me initiating it.

1393
01:08:47.120 --> 01:08:49.600
So I would say, depending on her season of life,

1394
01:08:49.600 --> 01:08:52.479
she could be working a lot, taking care of a sick parent.

1395
01:08:52.479 --> 01:08:54.920
You know, she's in between churches.

1396
01:08:54.920 --> 01:08:56.240
And if she says, you know what?

1397
01:08:56.240 --> 01:08:57.720
I'm so glad you're community.

1398
01:08:57.720 --> 01:08:58.880
I love community.

1399
01:08:58.880 --> 01:09:01.000
I need to get back in community.

1400
01:09:01.000 --> 01:09:03.840
I would then see how much that comes to fruition,

1401
01:09:03.840 --> 01:09:06.920
especially without you needing to prompt it.

1402
01:09:06.920 --> 01:09:09.279
Yeah, because when you prompt it, it feels like it's-

1403
01:09:09.279 --> 01:09:10.120
Right.

1404
01:09:10.120 --> 01:09:12.200
Well, I'm doing it because you're, you know,

1405
01:09:12.200 --> 01:09:15.600
but like, I mean, I lead a Wednesday night small group

1406
01:09:15.640 --> 01:09:18.279
and like do a lot of, well, and then, you know,

1407
01:09:18.279 --> 01:09:21.640
I've mentioned Bethel to people and got unmatched.

1408
01:09:21.640 --> 01:09:23.200
That was kind of, I guess I told you

1409
01:09:23.200 --> 01:09:24.399
everything I needed to know.

1410
01:09:24.399 --> 01:09:25.960
But no, Renee, I appreciate you.

1411
01:09:25.960 --> 01:09:27.840
And I, it's always fun.

1412
01:09:27.840 --> 01:09:29.279
Well, and you're adorable.

1413
01:09:29.279 --> 01:09:33.279
And I cannot, I tell you what, when you get engaged,

1414
01:09:33.279 --> 01:09:34.640
I want to officiate your wedding.

1415
01:09:34.640 --> 01:09:35.479
That's all I got to say.

1416
01:09:35.479 --> 01:09:36.880
Cause you're one of my favorite people.

1417
01:09:36.880 --> 01:09:38.520
You're going to have to stand in line though.

1418
01:09:38.520 --> 01:09:40.680
I mean, my, one of my best friends wants to.

1419
01:09:40.680 --> 01:09:43.000
So I, but I love it though.

1420
01:09:43.000 --> 01:09:43.840
I do.

1421
01:09:44.439 --> 01:09:46.760
I would absolutely say yes.

1422
01:09:46.760 --> 01:09:47.600
Other than-

1423
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:50.800
If the other person gets sick or sprains their ankle,

1424
01:09:50.800 --> 01:09:54.080
I'm like, I'm going to be the understudy.

1425
01:09:54.080 --> 01:09:55.400
I just turned 58 this weekend.

1426
01:09:55.400 --> 01:09:57.360
You might want to get on mine too, but like that.

1427
01:09:57.360 --> 01:09:59.760
Hey, you guys, somebody keeps getting on the.

1428
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:06.560
Oh, I'm not going to call you out, but so there's a couple of you ladies that keep unmuting.

1429
01:10:06.560 --> 01:10:10.640
OK, awesome. Thanks, Mike. All right. Nearly.

1430
01:10:12.400 --> 01:10:16.280
Hi. Hi. So for me, girl.

1431
01:10:16.560 --> 01:10:21.960
So I have a question about being open minded versus

1432
01:10:22.960 --> 01:10:28.440
versus going too far in the other direction.

1433
01:10:29.440 --> 01:10:31.320
I'll remember.

1434
01:10:31.320 --> 01:10:35.400
Golly, Gina, girl, Gina, you're killing me.

1435
01:10:36.280 --> 01:10:38.200
You keep on muting. OK, go ahead.

1436
01:10:38.720 --> 01:10:42.120
So so there was this situation that happened.

1437
01:10:42.120 --> 01:10:46.000
And I'll I'll tell you and then you can tell me was

1438
01:10:46.000 --> 01:10:50.920
was it that I was not open minded or that I.

1439
01:10:51.440 --> 01:10:55.480
So so I connected with a guy via an app.

1440
01:10:56.120 --> 01:10:58.360
We we started chatting, exchanging.

1441
01:10:58.360 --> 01:11:03.960
But what I noticed is that every time he was communicating with me,

1442
01:11:03.960 --> 01:11:06.360
never referred to me by my my name.

1443
01:11:06.440 --> 01:11:11.200
It was always hey or hi or that was the first thing.

1444
01:11:11.200 --> 01:11:16.160
And then he asked pretty early to move to WhatsApp.

1445
01:11:16.160 --> 01:11:20.160
And I said, well, I prefer to stay on the app for now.

1446
01:11:20.360 --> 01:11:25.080
And then when we decided that he suggested that we go for coffee, I said, OK,

1447
01:11:25.800 --> 01:11:29.640
and I mentioned I live in the east side of town.

1448
01:11:29.640 --> 01:11:32.000
He lives in the west side of town.

1449
01:11:32.000 --> 01:11:37.200
He just and despite the fact that I told him he chose somewhere close to himself.

1450
01:11:37.480 --> 01:11:40.440
So in the West End

1451
01:11:40.800 --> 01:11:47.120
and the type of place that he chose was the equivalent of

1452
01:11:47.960 --> 01:11:51.560
what you have in the US, which is the Dunkin Donuts.

1453
01:11:52.560 --> 01:11:56.520
And I had a day at McDonald's.

1454
01:11:58.600 --> 01:12:03.640
Yeah, well, so I should suggest it somewhere that was like halfway for both of us.

1455
01:12:04.080 --> 01:12:09.120
And so I ended up finding a place and said, OK.

1456
01:12:09.400 --> 01:12:13.280
And then one day before he rescheduled because he had double booked himself.

1457
01:12:13.920 --> 01:12:19.560
And finally, we rescheduled two days later

1458
01:12:19.800 --> 01:12:21.520
and he did not show up.

1459
01:12:21.520 --> 01:12:23.120
Of course he didn't.

1460
01:12:23.120 --> 01:12:26.040
OK, yeah. I mean, you're fine.

1461
01:12:26.040 --> 01:12:26.800
You did the right thing.

1462
01:12:26.800 --> 01:12:31.160
OK, so here's what I usually do if somebody wants to go to WhatsApp right away.

1463
01:12:31.800 --> 01:12:34.960
So when they pick another platform,

1464
01:12:36.360 --> 01:12:38.760
I assume the worst at that point.

1465
01:12:39.120 --> 01:12:42.360
So instead of agreeing to a live date,

1466
01:12:42.880 --> 01:12:45.600
I always say, hey, I'd love to do a video chat.

1467
01:12:46.560 --> 01:12:51.680
Like so if my antenna goes up, I don't say let's say on the app.

1468
01:12:52.560 --> 01:12:55.760
I say let's do a video chat.

1469
01:12:56.240 --> 01:12:59.840
If they insist on a face to face meetup,

1470
01:13:00.360 --> 01:13:04.800
I will pick a place less than two miles from where I live.

1471
01:13:04.800 --> 01:13:08.080
I don't tell him it's less than two miles where I live.

1472
01:13:08.520 --> 01:13:14.200
I just make it super easy for me because, again, my radar is up

1473
01:13:14.440 --> 01:13:18.920
and I will probably pick a daytime coffee date to do that.

1474
01:13:19.360 --> 01:13:22.320
We need what do you use for the video chat?

1475
01:13:22.360 --> 01:13:24.360
Because what I use for I use Zoom.

1476
01:13:24.720 --> 01:13:28.800
I use Zoom. OK, but doesn't your full name show then?

1477
01:13:29.160 --> 01:13:33.080
You could know because I'm Zoom watch on Zoom.

1478
01:13:33.080 --> 01:13:35.240
I could hit rename.

1479
01:13:40.920 --> 01:13:42.120
Banana hammock.

1480
01:13:42.120 --> 01:13:44.480
Isn't this what Phoebe?

1481
01:13:44.520 --> 01:13:47.360
Oh, OK. OK, great.

1482
01:13:47.400 --> 01:13:50.080
I didn't know that. Excellent. OK, great.

1483
01:13:50.320 --> 01:13:52.240
But change it before. Yes.

1484
01:13:52.240 --> 01:13:54.760
Yes, it comes on. Yes.

1485
01:13:54.760 --> 01:13:56.240
And so you can change your name.

1486
01:13:56.240 --> 01:14:00.400
So I always would then give a meeting ID and a passcode.

1487
01:14:00.560 --> 01:14:01.760
So you can't share.

1488
01:14:01.760 --> 01:14:04.920
Most the time you can't cut and paste the link into the dating app.

1489
01:14:05.280 --> 01:14:08.360
I would always put meeting I.D., the number of the meeting I.D.

1490
01:14:08.360 --> 01:14:09.800
and the passcode.

1491
01:14:09.800 --> 01:14:11.400
And then I would do because here's the thing.

1492
01:14:11.400 --> 01:14:13.000
You can do Zoom from your phone.

1493
01:14:13.000 --> 01:14:16.240
It's just like so if someone says, oh, my gosh, it feels like an interview.

1494
01:14:16.280 --> 01:14:18.120
Not if you're on it from your phone.

1495
01:14:18.120 --> 01:14:19.480
It's just like FaceTiming.

1496
01:14:19.480 --> 01:14:21.440
It's just like Facebook Messenger.

1497
01:14:21.440 --> 01:14:23.080
It's the same thing.

1498
01:14:23.080 --> 01:14:27.600
So that's what I would do whenever when I hear WhatsApp email.

1499
01:14:27.600 --> 01:14:29.760
I think probably a scammer.

1500
01:14:30.760 --> 01:14:34.720
But of course, he tried to pick some place next to you or next to him.

1501
01:14:34.760 --> 01:14:36.280
That makes me leery.

1502
01:14:36.280 --> 01:14:37.560
I wouldn't you were kind.

1503
01:14:37.560 --> 01:14:39.240
I wouldn't have picked again.

1504
01:14:39.240 --> 01:14:40.680
I need to feel safe.

1505
01:14:40.680 --> 01:14:41.880
So I need to feel safe.

1506
01:14:41.880 --> 01:14:43.320
They're coming to me.

1507
01:14:43.320 --> 01:14:44.840
I'm going to make it easy for me.

1508
01:14:44.840 --> 01:14:46.800
And if he's a good gentleman, he's going to do that.

1509
01:14:46.800 --> 01:14:48.120
So you did the right thing.

1510
01:14:48.120 --> 01:14:52.840
Thank you. The last I'll just add at the end when he did not show up.

1511
01:14:53.040 --> 01:14:56.400
He sent me a message saying, can I?

1512
01:14:57.520 --> 01:15:00.040
Would you give me a chance to?

1513
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:01.400
who get to know you.

1514
01:15:01.400 --> 01:15:04.760
And I said, no hard feelings,

1515
01:15:04.760 --> 01:15:08.440
but I'll decline and I'll wish you the best.

1516
01:15:08.440 --> 01:15:10.800
Yeah, cause here's what he was trying to do.

1517
01:15:10.800 --> 01:15:11.960
Here's what he tried to do you guys.

1518
01:15:11.960 --> 01:15:15.320
This is how he was trying to, he was a scammer.

1519
01:15:15.320 --> 01:15:18.880
He rescheduled, then he didn't show up.

1520
01:15:18.880 --> 01:15:21.800
And then he said to you, can we get to know each other?

1521
01:15:21.800 --> 01:15:24.720
He didn't offer to meet you in person.

1522
01:15:24.720 --> 01:15:28.540
He was hoping to reel you in by just talking.

1523
01:15:29.500 --> 01:15:31.060
And you weren't going to play.

1524
01:15:31.060 --> 01:15:32.580
So you did good.

1525
01:15:32.580 --> 01:15:33.420
Good job.

1526
01:15:33.420 --> 01:15:34.240
Thank you.

1527
01:15:34.240 --> 01:15:35.080
You bet.

1528
01:15:35.080 --> 01:15:35.900
Candy.

1529
01:15:41.540 --> 01:15:42.800
Isil there, Candy?

1530
01:15:47.580 --> 01:15:48.420
Yes.

1531
01:15:48.420 --> 01:15:49.240
Okay, yes.

1532
01:15:49.240 --> 01:15:50.080
Okay, sorry.

1533
01:15:50.080 --> 01:15:52.300
I just have to get to the phone.

1534
01:15:52.300 --> 01:15:53.460
Okay, so yeah.

1535
01:15:53.460 --> 01:15:54.900
So I have a questions.

1536
01:15:54.900 --> 01:15:57.500
So I met this guy for three weeks

1537
01:15:57.500 --> 01:16:00.420
and we have been talking a lot.

1538
01:16:00.420 --> 01:16:05.420
And it seems like his job is has a fraud over his staff.

1539
01:16:07.100 --> 01:16:10.700
So I feel like he has a control,

1540
01:16:10.700 --> 01:16:12.200
he likes to control, I guess.

1541
01:16:12.200 --> 01:16:14.580
So he always asked me a lot of questions, right?

1542
01:16:14.580 --> 01:16:16.580
He likes to be detail oriented.

1543
01:16:16.580 --> 01:16:18.140
So are you talking about live dates

1544
01:16:18.140 --> 01:16:20.180
or video dates or phone call?

1545
01:16:20.180 --> 01:16:21.620
Text messages.

1546
01:16:21.620 --> 01:16:24.260
I mean, we came out two times already.

1547
01:16:24.260 --> 01:16:25.740
Oh, so you've seen him in person?

1548
01:16:25.740 --> 01:16:26.940
Yes, two times already.

1549
01:16:27.340 --> 01:16:29.620
We talk a lot already and then there's no silence

1550
01:16:29.620 --> 01:16:30.620
because he talks so much.

1551
01:16:30.620 --> 01:16:31.700
Okay, but anyway.

1552
01:16:31.700 --> 01:16:33.620
So then given the text message,

1553
01:16:33.620 --> 01:16:34.900
he also text a lot, right?

1554
01:16:34.900 --> 01:16:35.740
He also text a lot.

1555
01:16:35.740 --> 01:16:38.740
And he sometimes asked me, what are you doing today?

1556
01:16:38.740 --> 01:16:40.420
What are you doing this evening?

1557
01:16:40.420 --> 01:16:42.880
It's like, is it a little too much?

1558
01:16:42.880 --> 01:16:45.180
So I don't know how to be polite and tell him that.

1559
01:16:45.180 --> 01:16:46.300
Yeah, you'd be blunt.

1560
01:16:46.300 --> 01:16:49.640
Okay, you guys ask for what you need.

1561
01:16:49.640 --> 01:16:50.480
What's his name?

1562
01:16:50.480 --> 01:16:51.340
I'm just make up a name.

1563
01:16:51.340 --> 01:16:52.180
Mark.

1564
01:16:52.180 --> 01:16:53.020
His name.

1565
01:16:53.020 --> 01:16:53.840
Okay, yeah, Mark.

1566
01:16:53.840 --> 01:16:54.680
We'll just pretend his name is Mark.

1567
01:16:54.880 --> 01:16:57.280
I really appreciate your enthusiasm.

1568
01:16:57.280 --> 01:16:58.120
So you wanna be kind.

1569
01:16:58.120 --> 01:17:00.040
I appreciate your enthusiasm.

1570
01:17:01.160 --> 01:17:03.440
I actually don't wanna get in the habit

1571
01:17:03.440 --> 01:17:06.360
of texting all day, every day.

1572
01:17:06.360 --> 01:17:08.660
I really believe that when it's work,

1573
01:17:08.660 --> 01:17:10.280
I'm supposed to be at work.

1574
01:17:10.280 --> 01:17:13.180
And I would rather the majority of our conversations

1575
01:17:13.180 --> 01:17:15.680
happen at the end of the day or when we're on dates.

1576
01:17:15.680 --> 01:17:17.280
Is that okay with you?

1577
01:17:17.280 --> 01:17:19.280
That's my preference.

1578
01:17:19.280 --> 01:17:22.960
So my preference, so that you literally just say it

1579
01:17:22.960 --> 01:17:25.040
and how you manage that candy

1580
01:17:25.040 --> 01:17:27.320
is you don't return the messages then after that.

1581
01:17:27.320 --> 01:17:30.040
Like once you say it once,

1582
01:17:30.040 --> 01:17:33.240
you then don't respond to the constant texting.

1583
01:17:33.240 --> 01:17:34.720
And if they keep doing it, you can say,

1584
01:17:34.720 --> 01:17:37.740
hey Mark, I think I kind of mentioned to you

1585
01:17:37.740 --> 01:17:40.640
that my preference is to not text throughout the day.

1586
01:17:40.640 --> 01:17:42.880
And I'm noticing you're still doing that.

1587
01:17:42.880 --> 01:17:44.400
Can we talk about that?

1588
01:17:44.400 --> 01:17:45.840
Tell me a little bit more about that.

1589
01:17:45.840 --> 01:17:47.440
What's up with that?

1590
01:17:47.440 --> 01:17:49.340
Well, okay, so one of the texts,

1591
01:17:49.340 --> 01:17:51.160
I think he expect me to pray for him

1592
01:17:51.160 --> 01:17:53.600
because he has a staff, there's a meeting.

1593
01:17:53.600 --> 01:17:57.400
So he expect me to pray for his staff

1594
01:17:57.400 --> 01:17:59.340
that he said he's gonna get a good staff

1595
01:17:59.340 --> 01:18:04.340
or they're gonna get along and all that.

1596
01:18:04.720 --> 01:18:07.000
So he expect me to pray for him.

1597
01:18:07.000 --> 01:18:08.840
So I don't know.

1598
01:18:08.840 --> 01:18:10.560
So here's what you could say.

1599
01:18:10.560 --> 01:18:13.520
Mark, we are just getting to know each other.

1600
01:18:13.520 --> 01:18:18.120
And I feel like prayer is a really intimate thing.

1601
01:18:18.120 --> 01:18:19.560
And that's not something that I think

1602
01:18:19.560 --> 01:18:21.260
we should be doing at this stage.

1603
01:18:23.880 --> 01:18:26.700
And so, I mean, I feel like we can manipulate God

1604
01:18:26.700 --> 01:18:27.540
a little bit, right?

1605
01:18:27.540 --> 01:18:30.680
Like we can say, oh, the Lord told me this

1606
01:18:30.680 --> 01:18:32.880
or I need you to pray.

1607
01:18:32.880 --> 01:18:35.080
Or like, I feel like sometimes we all kind of,

1608
01:18:35.080 --> 01:18:36.480
some people can manipulate God.

1609
01:18:36.480 --> 01:18:38.600
So I think it's okay for you to hold your ground

1610
01:18:38.600 --> 01:18:41.600
and saying, again, I really appreciate you

1611
01:18:41.600 --> 01:18:43.720
reaching out to me, Mark.

1612
01:18:43.720 --> 01:18:45.920
I just, I still don't want,

1613
01:18:45.920 --> 01:18:48.600
at this phase in our relationship,

1614
01:18:48.600 --> 01:18:50.640
I don't want us to be, you know,

1615
01:18:50.640 --> 01:18:52.800
talking during the day while we're working.

1616
01:18:52.800 --> 01:18:54.240
I know prayer is amazing.

1617
01:18:54.240 --> 01:18:56.260
I think there's value in it.

1618
01:18:56.260 --> 01:18:57.680
I just don't think we're at that place

1619
01:18:57.680 --> 01:18:59.040
in our relationship yet.

1620
01:19:01.200 --> 01:19:02.640
Okay, because it's three weeks already.

1621
01:19:02.640 --> 01:19:04.660
So we're going into the fall.

1622
01:19:04.660 --> 01:19:05.500
So I'm not sure.

1623
01:19:05.500 --> 01:19:07.520
I know, I still, I don't know that Brian and I

1624
01:19:07.520 --> 01:19:09.440
were praying for each other in the middle of the day

1625
01:19:09.440 --> 01:19:10.440
for the first month.

1626
01:19:10.440 --> 01:19:13.920
No, no, no, he asked me to, no, not praying together.

1627
01:19:13.920 --> 01:19:15.360
No, I know, I'm just saying,

1628
01:19:15.360 --> 01:19:18.280
I don't know that I would have asked him to pray.

1629
01:19:18.960 --> 01:19:19.800
I don't know that either one of us

1630
01:19:19.800 --> 01:19:21.200
would have asked each other like,

1631
01:19:21.200 --> 01:19:22.560
oh my gosh, I'm going into this thing.

1632
01:19:22.560 --> 01:19:23.960
Can you pray for me?

1633
01:19:23.960 --> 01:19:24.800
Okay.

1634
01:19:24.800 --> 01:19:26.120
I don't know that I would have asked somebody.

1635
01:19:26.120 --> 01:19:28.540
I was just a few weeks into talking.

1636
01:19:29.400 --> 01:19:33.440
Again, we're just trying to help you help him pace.

1637
01:19:33.440 --> 01:19:35.000
Like, so he's not in the program.

1638
01:19:35.000 --> 01:19:37.540
He doesn't have Jackie kind of coaching him.

1639
01:19:37.540 --> 01:19:39.280
So, and you're amazing, Candy.

1640
01:19:39.280 --> 01:19:41.200
I'm so like, let's just celebrate.

1641
01:19:41.200 --> 01:19:42.520
I'm excited.

1642
01:19:42.520 --> 01:19:43.440
So I don't want you, you know,

1643
01:19:43.440 --> 01:19:44.800
I don't want you to dump this guy.

1644
01:19:44.800 --> 01:19:47.240
I just want you to help him.

1645
01:19:47.240 --> 01:19:49.740
Like, you're gonna help him pace himself.

1646
01:19:49.740 --> 01:19:52.560
Like, you know, Mark, I really like you.

1647
01:19:52.560 --> 01:19:53.840
I'm enjoying getting to know you.

1648
01:19:53.840 --> 01:19:57.520
Please, please know this is not me dumping you.

1649
01:19:57.520 --> 01:19:59.160
This is not me pushing you away.

1650
01:19:59.160 --> 01:20:00.360
This is just me trying.

1651
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:06.360
to set some good boundaries during the day, and I'm just trying to help pace us.

1652
01:20:06.360 --> 01:20:10.200
So you affirm him, you encourage him, but you set the pace.

1653
01:20:10.200 --> 01:20:16.160
So how about he being mentioned about at the end of the date, let's pray together, is that

1654
01:20:16.160 --> 01:20:17.160
do you think is no?

1655
01:20:17.160 --> 01:20:18.160
Is a no, right?

1656
01:20:18.160 --> 01:20:20.320
Yes or no of that?

1657
01:20:20.320 --> 01:20:24.400
I'm not sure.

1658
01:20:24.400 --> 01:20:29.920
You know, Jackie would say, I would say the praying together is something I would do with

1659
01:20:29.920 --> 01:20:30.920
my boyfriend.

1660
01:20:30.920 --> 01:20:31.920
Are you seeing just him?

1661
01:20:31.920 --> 01:20:33.600
Have you guys decided to be exclusive?

1662
01:20:33.600 --> 01:20:36.680
No, no, no, I don't think, no, not exclusive.

1663
01:20:36.680 --> 01:20:40.920
Then I would just say, you know what, this is so sweet and prayer matters so much to

1664
01:20:40.920 --> 01:20:41.920
me.

1665
01:20:41.920 --> 01:20:48.280
I'm just, you know, until I'm exclusively dating with somebody, like prayer is intimate.

1666
01:20:48.280 --> 01:20:49.520
Prayer is intimate.

1667
01:20:49.520 --> 01:20:52.600
And I just don't do that until I'm exclusive with somebody.

1668
01:20:52.600 --> 01:20:53.640
But thank you so much.

1669
01:20:53.880 --> 01:20:55.560
I love that it's important to you.

1670
01:20:55.560 --> 01:20:59.840
You see how I'm like affirming it, like I'm affirming the habit.

1671
01:20:59.840 --> 01:21:01.880
Yes, I love that you want prayer.

1672
01:21:01.880 --> 01:21:04.720
Gosh, that means so much to me.

1673
01:21:04.720 --> 01:21:06.760
Just not at this stage of the dating.

1674
01:21:06.760 --> 01:21:07.760
Okay.

1675
01:21:07.760 --> 01:21:10.760
And also, how can I tell him about this community?

1676
01:21:10.760 --> 01:21:15.040
If I tell, you know, because he asked me what I'm doing in the morning.

1677
01:21:15.040 --> 01:21:16.880
So I said, I have a 10 o'clock prayer call.

1678
01:21:16.880 --> 01:21:17.880
So I told him.

1679
01:21:17.880 --> 01:21:20.440
So here's the answer I used to say.

1680
01:21:20.440 --> 01:21:24.360
I'm involved in an online singles discipleship community.

1681
01:21:24.360 --> 01:21:25.960
That's what I used to say.

1682
01:21:25.960 --> 01:21:28.960
I know some people are like, oh, this is my dating coach, y'all.

1683
01:21:28.960 --> 01:21:30.320
I ran a nonprofit.

1684
01:21:30.320 --> 01:21:33.440
I was not like that forthcoming about it.

1685
01:21:33.440 --> 01:21:35.200
I was a little closer to the chest.

1686
01:21:35.200 --> 01:21:37.960
So I used to tell people, and I still do.

1687
01:21:37.960 --> 01:21:42.760
Like I say, I'm a coach with an online singles dating community, an online single Christian

1688
01:21:42.760 --> 01:21:43.900
dating community.

1689
01:21:43.900 --> 01:21:44.900
That's what I say.

1690
01:21:44.900 --> 01:21:52.180
I have an online singles Christian community that I'm a part of, and it's a great community

1691
01:21:52.180 --> 01:21:55.380
as we're walking out our singleness together.

1692
01:21:55.380 --> 01:21:58.660
That's how I would tell people about this program.

1693
01:21:58.660 --> 01:22:00.180
Now some of y'all are bolder than me.

1694
01:22:00.180 --> 01:22:03.660
You're like, oh my gosh, I've got a dating coach and it's this program because I didn't

1695
01:22:03.660 --> 01:22:05.020
like the name of it.

1696
01:22:05.020 --> 01:22:06.660
Like I'm just weenie about that, y'all.

1697
01:22:06.660 --> 01:22:07.660
Yeah.

1698
01:22:07.660 --> 01:22:08.660
I don't like it either.

1699
01:22:08.660 --> 01:22:10.300
I don't like the word coaching either.

1700
01:22:10.300 --> 01:22:13.420
You know, and so like, but to each his own, right?

1701
01:22:13.420 --> 01:22:16.900
So if you're listening to this and you're like, I love it and I think it's great.

1702
01:22:16.900 --> 01:22:18.380
Like I'm not not proud of Jackie.

1703
01:22:18.380 --> 01:22:19.380
I am.

1704
01:22:19.380 --> 01:22:22.100
I am so proud of Jackie and I'm so grateful for this program.

1705
01:22:22.100 --> 01:22:25.620
And when I got engaged, I tagged her and I did all the things.

1706
01:22:25.620 --> 01:22:29.940
I just, when I meet strangers, I didn't feel like I needed to explain that the whole time.

1707
01:22:29.940 --> 01:22:34.040
Like, I don't know, but that was just me.

1708
01:22:34.040 --> 01:22:35.780
So I think you got this, Candy.

1709
01:22:35.780 --> 01:22:38.660
I want an update in a few weeks, girlfriend.

1710
01:22:38.660 --> 01:22:39.660
Thank you.

1711
01:22:39.660 --> 01:22:40.660
Okay.

1712
01:22:40.660 --> 01:22:41.660
All right.

1713
01:22:41.660 --> 01:22:42.660
Charlotte.

1714
01:22:42.900 --> 01:22:43.900
Hi, Renee.

1715
01:22:43.900 --> 01:22:44.900
Hey, girl.

1716
01:22:44.900 --> 01:22:54.780
I posted in the group, but I just wanted to get some coaching on this.

1717
01:22:54.780 --> 01:23:02.180
I have been frustrated because I have been doing I get just getting a lot of conversations

1718
01:23:02.180 --> 01:23:08.140
going and the guys are very complimentary and seem like they're interested.

1719
01:23:08.140 --> 01:23:14.940
But then they're just not making the next step to like, like, I'll just give the scenario.

1720
01:23:14.940 --> 01:23:19.900
So this one guy, we he suggested meeting.

1721
01:23:19.900 --> 01:23:23.060
And so I suggested a video date.

1722
01:23:23.060 --> 01:23:24.920
And we did a couple video dates.

1723
01:23:24.920 --> 01:23:28.900
And then after the second video date, the texting just like dropped off.

1724
01:23:28.900 --> 01:23:32.220
Like before that, we were texting back and forth over and over again.

1725
01:23:32.220 --> 01:23:33.220
And it just dropped off.

1726
01:23:34.220 --> 01:23:37.220
I just want to be able to see because you're so tiny on the screen.

1727
01:23:37.220 --> 01:23:38.220
Oh, okay.

1728
01:23:38.220 --> 01:23:39.220
Keep talking.

1729
01:23:39.220 --> 01:23:46.980
And, and then he and so then I was just like, well, I hope I didn't, you know, give it any

1730
01:23:46.980 --> 01:23:48.620
impression that I wasn't interested.

1731
01:23:48.620 --> 01:23:52.860
So I just like said, Hey, I hope you have a good trip home.

1732
01:23:52.860 --> 01:23:56.060
And then I didn't hear anything, didn't hear anything.

1733
01:23:56.060 --> 01:23:58.580
So I sent another message.

1734
01:23:58.580 --> 01:24:02.140
And right when I sent a message, he responded right away.

1735
01:24:02.140 --> 01:24:06.420
And so then after a few days, I was like, you had mentioned getting together, did you

1736
01:24:06.420 --> 01:24:07.420
want to get together?

1737
01:24:07.420 --> 01:24:09.100
So we got together.

1738
01:24:09.100 --> 01:24:10.100
Okay.

1739
01:24:10.100 --> 01:24:14.940
So the problem I'm hearing though, is Charlotte, you're having to do a lot of initiating to

1740
01:24:14.940 --> 01:24:16.420
get him to respond.

1741
01:24:16.420 --> 01:24:17.420
Right.

1742
01:24:17.420 --> 01:24:20.980
But I think the thing is, is like, he seems like he's interested.

1743
01:24:20.980 --> 01:24:25.660
So after we got together in person, he sent me a really nice message.

1744
01:24:25.660 --> 01:24:29.780
You know, just saying things sounded like he was interested in, you know, continuing

1745
01:24:29.780 --> 01:24:30.780
on.

1746
01:24:30.820 --> 01:24:34.540
And then nothing again for like five days.

1747
01:24:34.540 --> 01:24:43.100
And so I don't know if I like, I guess my question is, do I just stop sending messages?

1748
01:24:43.100 --> 01:24:44.820
So I just stopped sending messages.

1749
01:24:44.820 --> 01:24:49.940
I think it just feels conflicting because he's giving a lot of compliments.

1750
01:24:49.940 --> 01:24:50.940
And yeah.

1751
01:24:50.940 --> 01:24:51.940
Right.

1752
01:24:51.940 --> 01:24:52.940
So let me try to answer that.

1753
01:24:52.940 --> 01:25:00.020
So, and this is good for everybody to hear this, like, it is okay for us ladies to.

1754
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.900
initiate, like, hey, I would like to move this to a video date. I think it's okay to

1755
01:25:04.900 --> 01:25:09.240
drop that hanky. It's not even dropping the hanky. You're also setting a boundary. I'm

1756
01:25:09.240 --> 01:25:15.040
done talking to you by text. The next thing is this. So here's what you do after that

1757
01:25:15.040 --> 01:25:22.580
video date. You say this once. You say, I really enjoyed having a video conversation.

1758
01:25:22.580 --> 01:25:29.400
I would love to meet you in person. After that, I would not initiate any more texting

1759
01:25:29.400 --> 01:25:37.560
or emails. If three days go by, you don't reach back out. So you don't book the date.

1760
01:25:37.560 --> 01:25:41.460
If you have a date, then you're like, wow, I really enjoyed getting together. I would

1761
01:25:41.460 --> 01:25:47.960
enjoy seeing you again. And then you wait. If he doesn't reach out, like, and so here's

1762
01:25:47.960 --> 01:25:56.520
what happens when this happens. Sometimes guys and girls like us not enough. They like

1763
01:25:56.520 --> 01:26:02.520
us enough to stay in conversation with us. They think we're cute. They think that we're

1764
01:26:02.520 --> 01:26:08.300
good company. If they're bored and they have nothing else going on, they enjoy the conversation

1765
01:26:08.300 --> 01:26:13.600
with us. So this guy liked you. He enjoyed his conversation with you. He thinks you're

1766
01:26:13.600 --> 01:26:20.800
a really nice person, but he wasn't pursuing you. You want to make sure you let him see.

1767
01:26:20.800 --> 01:26:25.000
And that's not just a, you think Charlotte, this is nothing you did wrong because we've

1768
01:26:25.000 --> 01:26:30.960
all been in your shoes. And the good news is you caught his attention, but for some

1769
01:26:30.960 --> 01:26:34.600
reason he didn't pursue it. We don't know if he was talking to three other girls on

1770
01:26:34.600 --> 01:26:42.200
a video date. So you're kind and you're adorable. So of course he was nice to you. But you want

1771
01:26:42.200 --> 01:26:48.920
to make sure you pick a guy that you don't have to pursue. And so he is booking the next

1772
01:26:48.920 --> 01:26:56.480
date if he wants to, if he likes you enough. So that phrase was really freeing for me.

1773
01:26:56.480 --> 01:27:02.640
I'm old enough. I remember sex in the city when Berger dumped, you know, carry on a post

1774
01:27:02.640 --> 01:27:05.840
and he made this comment. I'm going to unspot you so you don't feel like I'm just staring

1775
01:27:05.840 --> 01:27:12.280
at you now. And he said, you know, his phrase was, he's just not that into you, which always

1776
01:27:12.280 --> 01:27:17.560
felt so cold, right? He's just not that into you. I like the phrase, he likes you just

1777
01:27:17.560 --> 01:27:23.640
not enough. He likes you just not enough. And that makes me feel like it's less about

1778
01:27:23.640 --> 01:27:29.360
me. And so the good news is you got that far. So I feel like that's, and I'm glad you asked

1779
01:27:29.360 --> 01:27:34.080
Charlotte because there's a bunch of women in here who have been doing what you just

1780
01:27:34.080 --> 01:27:41.000
did, but like for weeks and months. And if you have to keep initiating the next text,

1781
01:27:41.000 --> 01:27:46.680
the next phone call, the next email you are pursuing, they are not pursuing you. You're

1782
01:27:46.800 --> 01:27:52.480
not matching their energy. And so guys, if you're on this call, I'm letting you know,

1783
01:27:52.480 --> 01:27:57.680
we expect you all to pick up the ball. We don't mind saying, Hey, I want to move this

1784
01:27:57.680 --> 01:28:02.400
to a video date. Hey, I want to move this to a first date. But if we let you know that

1785
01:28:02.400 --> 01:28:08.280
we want that next date, we're expecting you to initiate that next date and that next phone

1786
01:28:08.280 --> 01:28:12.320
call. Does that, does that also go for like sending

1787
01:28:12.320 --> 01:28:18.520
another message? Like I shouldn't even send another message. Okay. So he has to initiate

1788
01:28:18.520 --> 01:28:24.360
every time from then on. Okay. Yeah. I mean, cause if you're telling me, if you look back

1789
01:28:24.360 --> 01:28:30.740
at your exchanges, like once he had that video date with you, he started making a choice

1790
01:28:30.740 --> 01:28:34.800
of whether or not he wanted to pursue you. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like once

1791
01:28:34.800 --> 01:28:41.560
you had that video date from the, you said you had two video dates, right? Yeah. Did

1792
01:28:41.560 --> 01:28:48.480
you have to initiate both video dates to happen? Not really. It was a kind of an extenuating

1793
01:28:48.480 --> 01:28:54.480
circumstance cause I was on vacation and so I told him I can do it when I can slip away.

1794
01:28:54.480 --> 01:28:59.000
So I'll let you know when I can slip away. So it was just like, we couldn't just plan

1795
01:28:59.000 --> 01:29:01.480
it because it was just a lot of people in the house.

1796
01:29:01.480 --> 01:29:05.480
No, no, no, no. It's okay. So somewhere in those first and second video dates, he was

1797
01:29:05.480 --> 01:29:11.960
still deciding. So once you finish that second video date, once you say to him, I really

1798
01:29:11.960 --> 01:29:19.080
enjoyed this, I look forward to planning something again. You've dropped the ball in his court.

1799
01:29:19.080 --> 01:29:23.060
You've already done that. So you don't need to pick up the ball two, three, four days

1800
01:29:23.060 --> 01:29:29.880
later to say, Hey, how are you? Okay. Hey, are we planning something? Hey, how'd your

1801
01:29:29.880 --> 01:29:35.240
day go? You're done. You're done. Okay. You've, you've done your part. You've done everything

1802
01:29:35.240 --> 01:29:40.920
we've asked you to do. And if he wants to take you out again, he will get you.

1803
01:29:40.920 --> 01:29:45.400
Okay. Yeah. I guess I was asking cause this has happened about three or four times in

1804
01:29:45.400 --> 01:29:51.760
the last few interactions I've had. So I was just like, okay, just to make sure.

1805
01:29:51.760 --> 01:29:55.600
And so, and I appreciate it. And here's what's hard, Charlotte, people are going to meet

1806
01:29:55.600 --> 01:30:00.040
us on a video day and decide they don't want to go anything for any, any, for anything.

1807
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:01.880
they're with us, like that's going to happen.

1808
01:30:01.880 --> 01:30:03.320
Yeah, and that's fine.

1809
01:30:03.320 --> 01:30:10.000
I think, and so this is why it feels confusing for you because you're initiating and they're

1810
01:30:10.000 --> 01:30:14.040
responding and they're not just saying no to you and they're not blowing you off because

1811
01:30:14.040 --> 01:30:16.520
some guys don't know how to say no.

1812
01:30:16.520 --> 01:30:19.380
Some guys don't know how to end it because they feel bad.

1813
01:30:19.380 --> 01:30:20.600
Some girls don't.

1814
01:30:20.600 --> 01:30:23.840
Some of you go, gosh, I've done this to a bunch of guys.

1815
01:30:23.840 --> 01:30:26.320
I have continued to be nice.

1816
01:30:26.320 --> 01:30:28.160
I've continued to do a video call.

1817
01:30:28.160 --> 01:30:32.160
Heck, I even went on a second date with this person and it's really because I didn't have

1818
01:30:32.160 --> 01:30:37.000
the guts to say I don't want to go any further because it's really uncomfortable to do that.

1819
01:30:37.000 --> 01:30:39.920
Nobody wants to hurt each other's feelings.

1820
01:30:39.920 --> 01:30:45.160
And so the compliment, the good thing, Charlotte, is there are some women on this call who are

1821
01:30:45.160 --> 01:30:47.400
like, dang it, I'm not getting to that video date.

1822
01:30:47.400 --> 01:30:49.480
How is she getting to the video date?

1823
01:30:49.480 --> 01:30:52.080
So the good news is you're doing really good.

1824
01:30:52.080 --> 01:30:55.360
That means you're attracting men, you're getting to the conversation, you're getting to the

1825
01:30:55.360 --> 01:30:56.360
video date.

1826
01:30:56.560 --> 01:31:01.960
Now, I don't know what's going on in the video date, and that's where if you did some private

1827
01:31:01.960 --> 01:31:05.840
coaching or we had a little bit more time, I'd be able to unpack a little bit more what's

1828
01:31:05.840 --> 01:31:10.800
going on in the video date to see if there's anything you're doing that's making them go

1829
01:31:10.800 --> 01:31:16.720
wah, wah, wah, like what could be happening there, or they're just not your guy.

1830
01:31:16.720 --> 01:31:22.320
I mean, you guys, there was like one guy, like I swear, I could tell three and a half

1831
01:31:22.320 --> 01:31:24.960
minutes into the video date, he was done with me.

1832
01:31:25.960 --> 01:31:32.440
It was like, they couldn't get off the call fast enough, it was so bad.

1833
01:31:32.440 --> 01:31:40.200
So I get it, it's awkward, it's weird, but especially once you get to that video date,

1834
01:31:40.200 --> 01:31:43.160
lay back, let them know you're interested, but lay back and let them lead.

1835
01:31:43.160 --> 01:31:47.520
But I'm so glad you asked, that was so brave of you, and I know there's a bunch of people

1836
01:31:47.520 --> 01:31:49.720
on here that have been exactly where you are.

1837
01:31:49.720 --> 01:31:51.360
So kudos to you, girl.

1838
01:31:51.360 --> 01:31:52.360
All right, Rosanna.

1839
01:31:52.360 --> 01:31:53.360
Thanks.

1840
01:31:53.360 --> 01:31:54.360
You bet, sweetie.

1841
01:31:55.360 --> 01:31:59.720
I think Brandon was before me.

1842
01:31:59.720 --> 01:32:00.720
I don't want to...

1843
01:32:00.720 --> 01:32:01.720
Oh, I don't know.

1844
01:32:01.720 --> 01:32:04.920
Well, you know what, your little raised hand is showing before you.

1845
01:32:04.920 --> 01:32:05.920
You were first.

1846
01:32:05.920 --> 01:32:06.920
Me?

1847
01:32:06.920 --> 01:32:07.920
No, you were first.

1848
01:32:07.920 --> 01:32:08.920
Go ahead, yeah.

1849
01:32:08.920 --> 01:32:09.920
Oh, okay.

1850
01:32:09.920 --> 01:32:10.920
I'm going in order, so.

1851
01:32:10.920 --> 01:32:11.920
No, that's okay.

1852
01:32:11.920 --> 01:32:14.800
Thanks for the giggles today, Renee.

1853
01:32:14.800 --> 01:32:21.640
So really quickly, I connected with like two people, somebody I actually met in the wild,

1854
01:32:21.640 --> 01:32:25.000
he's actually a Christian school teacher, and I'm a Christian teacher, and we both met

1855
01:32:25.000 --> 01:32:31.480
at an upscale bar after we did events, which is really ironic, it's really funny.

1856
01:32:31.480 --> 01:32:34.680
Anyway, he's been really...

1857
01:32:34.680 --> 01:32:38.240
I'm seeing pursuit with him, but he was very honest with me, and I really appreciate it.

1858
01:32:38.240 --> 01:32:42.080
He's like, listen, this hasn't happened, but I'm actually talking with somebody else as

1859
01:32:42.080 --> 01:32:45.880
well because I believe dating and trying to get to know, be friends, blah, blah, blah.

1860
01:32:45.880 --> 01:32:48.840
And I think because of this program, it's really boosted my confidence.

1861
01:32:48.840 --> 01:32:50.880
And I had no problem, I don't feel threatened or anything.

1862
01:32:51.120 --> 01:32:52.120
I just smiled.

1863
01:32:52.120 --> 01:32:53.120
I'm like, that's fantastic.

1864
01:32:53.120 --> 01:32:55.400
If you find somebody that you want to go out with, go out with them.

1865
01:32:55.400 --> 01:32:56.720
I'm not worried about that.

1866
01:32:56.720 --> 01:32:59.120
It's been really great getting to know you as well.

1867
01:32:59.120 --> 01:33:00.680
He's like, I want to continue getting to know you.

1868
01:33:00.680 --> 01:33:01.680
So he's asked me out.

1869
01:33:01.680 --> 01:33:03.960
We're going out on a third date eventually.

1870
01:33:03.960 --> 01:33:10.480
He met me, what, I can't remember, two weeks ago already, and we've been on two dates.

1871
01:33:10.480 --> 01:33:11.720
I love it.

1872
01:33:11.720 --> 01:33:12.720
It's awesome.

1873
01:33:12.720 --> 01:33:15.800
And he's come to me, and he knows I have five children.

1874
01:33:15.800 --> 01:33:19.720
He's like, well, I wanted to make it convenient for you because I can come up so we can maximize

1875
01:33:19.720 --> 01:33:20.720
our time.

1876
01:33:21.560 --> 01:33:22.560
Anyway, it's been really awesome.

1877
01:33:22.560 --> 01:33:24.000
So I'm seeing that pursuit, and I'm loving that.

1878
01:33:24.000 --> 01:33:26.160
And he's been really cool, and it's slow-paced and whatever.

1879
01:33:26.160 --> 01:33:32.000
And he's contacted me every day since then, which has been nice, but not overbearing.

1880
01:33:32.000 --> 01:33:35.760
And then now this other guy, too, that I kind of talked to around the same time now, you

1881
01:33:35.760 --> 01:33:38.640
had mentioned the long-distance thing, so it's 100 miles.

1882
01:33:38.640 --> 01:33:40.200
However, this is my only concern.

1883
01:33:40.200 --> 01:33:46.880
I would like to FaceTime with him or whatever, but I've asked fun questions like, if you

1884
01:33:46.880 --> 01:33:48.200
had a superpower, what would it be?

1885
01:33:48.200 --> 01:33:49.200
What's your favorite color?

1886
01:33:49.200 --> 01:33:50.200
And tell me three reasons why.

1887
01:33:50.680 --> 01:33:53.960
I try to look up these questions you guys suggest, and I really like the answers.

1888
01:33:53.960 --> 01:33:59.560
However, this guy, he has yet to find out that I am a widow and that I have five kids

1889
01:33:59.560 --> 01:34:02.040
and that I have to bring up.

1890
01:34:02.040 --> 01:34:06.760
I was like, if you want to get to know me, he needs to know this first because I don't

1891
01:34:06.760 --> 01:34:07.760
want any connection.

1892
01:34:07.760 --> 01:34:12.560
I think Mike or somebody was saying, I don't want any heart connection without all this

1893
01:34:12.560 --> 01:34:13.560
stuff.

1894
01:34:13.560 --> 01:34:17.680
So he was like, hey, I like the small talk and stuff, but I'd like to get to know a little

1895
01:34:17.680 --> 01:34:19.320
bit more about you.

1896
01:34:19.440 --> 01:34:22.880
And you've mentioned certain things, but I would like to know more.

1897
01:34:22.880 --> 01:34:26.520
So part of me is just like, should I text him being like, I want to give this to you

1898
01:34:26.520 --> 01:34:28.320
very quickly or leave in a voice memo?

1899
01:34:28.320 --> 01:34:32.480
Have you guys, have you guys, there has been no connection.

1900
01:34:32.480 --> 01:34:34.560
Have you only texted?

1901
01:34:34.560 --> 01:34:38.040
It's only been text and I want to do more, but like, this is the thing.

1902
01:34:38.040 --> 01:34:39.800
Like the other one was 40 minutes away from me.

1903
01:34:39.800 --> 01:34:40.800
The other one's 100 miles.

1904
01:34:40.800 --> 01:34:41.800
Like, what do I do?

1905
01:34:41.800 --> 01:34:43.480
How long have y'all been texting?

1906
01:34:43.480 --> 01:34:44.600
I was just scrolling back.

1907
01:34:44.600 --> 01:34:48.840
On the 31st of July is when we matched and, or no, a couple of days after that.

1908
01:34:48.840 --> 01:34:56.080
So a little more than two weeks, a little less than two weeks, less than two weeks.

1909
01:34:56.080 --> 01:35:00.040
And so, um, I think it's okay for you to be direct.

1910
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:02.940
Um, I think it's okay.

1911
01:35:02.940 --> 01:35:08.020
So to me, um, that's, I would call that resume information.

1912
01:35:08.020 --> 01:35:14.020
So that would be information like people, men knew within a week that I was single,

1913
01:35:14.020 --> 01:35:19.000
not married with kids, no kids, like, yeah, that's a basic piece of information about

1914
01:35:19.000 --> 01:35:21.060
me that I was not afraid to share.

1915
01:35:21.060 --> 01:35:22.060
Okay.

1916
01:35:22.060 --> 01:35:26.460
And so I wouldn't be afraid to like, Hey, you know, there's something, there's just

1917
01:35:26.460 --> 01:35:27.460
a little, yes.

1918
01:35:27.460 --> 01:35:31.980
If you want to ask about me, of course I should share a little bit more about me.

1919
01:35:31.980 --> 01:35:35.780
Um, and I would just say, you know, I've been widowed five years.

1920
01:35:35.780 --> 01:35:37.380
I don't know how many years you've been widowed.

1921
01:35:37.380 --> 01:35:43.980
Um, I have kids, I would say I have kids, um, you know, and what's the age range of

1922
01:35:43.980 --> 01:35:44.980
your kids?

1923
01:35:44.980 --> 01:35:47.100
Uh, 17 to seven.

1924
01:35:47.100 --> 01:35:48.100
Okay.

1925
01:35:48.100 --> 01:35:49.420
So here's what I would say.

1926
01:35:49.420 --> 01:35:55.060
Um, I am widowed and I have kids ranging a whole bunch of ages.

1927
01:35:55.060 --> 01:35:56.460
I like to ski.

1928
01:35:56.460 --> 01:35:58.020
I'm active in my church.

1929
01:35:58.020 --> 01:36:05.860
So I would actually give a very brief summary, um, if you know, and, and so, and I wouldn't

1930
01:36:05.860 --> 01:36:09.500
even say, I just need to warn you.

1931
01:36:09.500 --> 01:36:10.660
I'm widowed and have kids.

1932
01:36:10.660 --> 01:36:11.660
I wouldn't say it like that.

1933
01:36:11.660 --> 01:36:12.940
I would just say, you know what?

1934
01:36:12.940 --> 01:36:13.940
You're right.

1935
01:36:13.940 --> 01:36:14.940
You asked a little bit more information.

1936
01:36:14.940 --> 01:36:17.700
So let me tell you, cause I actually think he's not wrong.

1937
01:36:17.700 --> 01:36:19.780
I would want to know some of that basic stuff.

1938
01:36:19.780 --> 01:36:20.780
Yeah.

1939
01:36:20.780 --> 01:36:21.780
Oh, you're divorced.

1940
01:36:21.780 --> 01:36:22.780
You have kids.

1941
01:36:22.780 --> 01:36:23.780
Oh, how old are your kids?

1942
01:36:23.780 --> 01:36:24.780
They're grown.

1943
01:36:24.780 --> 01:36:25.780
How old are your kids?

1944
01:36:26.100 --> 01:36:27.100
They're still in school.

1945
01:36:27.100 --> 01:36:29.700
Like, so if he says, oh, how old are your kids?

1946
01:36:29.700 --> 01:36:31.180
They're still in school.

1947
01:36:31.180 --> 01:36:32.180
You know?

1948
01:36:32.180 --> 01:36:33.980
I mean like that's the kind of stuff that you can ask.

1949
01:36:33.980 --> 01:36:36.860
I mean, I'm a big fan of you don't lie.

1950
01:36:36.860 --> 01:36:42.500
And so, um, I know some of you who are parents are a little bit more protective.

1951
01:36:42.500 --> 01:36:49.460
I do think a guy entering in a woman, I would want to know if a guy that I'm dating had

1952
01:36:49.460 --> 01:36:53.540
littles like, I mean elementary school versus high school kids.

1953
01:36:53.820 --> 01:36:59.260
I would want to know that because those are very different seasons of life to me.

1954
01:36:59.260 --> 01:37:04.220
Like my kids are about to go off to college versus my kids still play with Play-Doh.

1955
01:37:04.220 --> 01:37:09.380
Um, you know, I feel like those are two different seasons and I have both seasons.

1956
01:37:09.380 --> 01:37:10.380
So right.

1957
01:37:10.380 --> 01:37:11.380
And you have it all.

1958
01:37:11.380 --> 01:37:15.260
You can, you know, so, you know, you can be honest, like, you know what, I have kids ranging

1959
01:37:15.260 --> 01:37:19.780
in all the ages, you know, I have kids ranging in all the ages.

1960
01:37:19.780 --> 01:37:22.380
Um, I've been widowed in a bunch of years.

1961
01:37:22.380 --> 01:37:23.940
Um, I love to cook.

1962
01:37:23.940 --> 01:37:27.380
So I would put it as part of a general bio.

1963
01:37:27.380 --> 01:37:30.340
Shouldn't like in a text before, cause like he may not want to pursue out.

1964
01:37:30.340 --> 01:37:31.340
I mean, that's what I'm saying.

1965
01:37:31.340 --> 01:37:34.660
I would, he, he's already asked you for more information.

1966
01:37:34.660 --> 01:37:37.220
So I think you owe it to him to give him that information.

1967
01:37:37.220 --> 01:37:38.700
Oh yeah, absolutely.

1968
01:37:38.700 --> 01:37:42.500
I wasn't trying to be secretive or whatever, but I know, yeah, but I'm saying I would text

1969
01:37:42.500 --> 01:37:43.500
it to him.

1970
01:37:43.500 --> 01:37:45.500
I mean, I would go ahead and text him.

1971
01:37:45.500 --> 01:37:48.020
And here's the thing if he, cause it's not personal, right?

1972
01:37:48.020 --> 01:37:53.500
So if he says to you, if he likes all sudden it's like crickets, you're like, oh, he didn't

1973
01:37:53.500 --> 01:37:55.060
want to go out a girl with kids.

1974
01:37:55.060 --> 01:37:57.460
Well, I can't hide, you know, my kids are my kids.

1975
01:37:57.460 --> 01:37:59.380
So I'm, he might as well find out now.

1976
01:37:59.380 --> 01:38:00.380
Correct.

1977
01:38:00.380 --> 01:38:01.380
That's it.

1978
01:38:01.380 --> 01:38:02.380
And it's a whole pack.

1979
01:38:02.380 --> 01:38:03.380
I'm on the phone right now.

1980
01:38:03.380 --> 01:38:04.380
I'm on the phone right now.

1981
01:38:04.380 --> 01:38:05.380
See, that's why.

1982
01:38:05.380 --> 01:38:06.380
There we go.

1983
01:38:06.380 --> 01:38:07.380
This is it.

1984
01:38:07.380 --> 01:38:13.300
This is what dating it's like with kids.

1985
01:38:13.300 --> 01:38:14.300
She's gone.

1986
01:38:14.300 --> 01:38:15.300
She's gone.

1987
01:38:15.300 --> 01:38:16.300
Hmm.

1988
01:38:16.300 --> 01:38:17.300
Okay.

1989
01:38:17.580 --> 01:38:18.580
I will.

1990
01:38:18.580 --> 01:38:19.580
Okay.

1991
01:38:19.580 --> 01:38:20.580
I will do that and probably do it tomorrow.

1992
01:38:20.580 --> 01:38:23.220
It's just, I've been, I've been very busy, but then I find that I'm not as busy with

1993
01:38:23.220 --> 01:38:24.220
the other one.

1994
01:38:24.220 --> 01:38:25.940
So I don't know if it's because it's been in person.

1995
01:38:25.940 --> 01:38:26.940
Do you know what I'm saying?

1996
01:38:26.940 --> 01:38:32.380
Like there seems to be a, uh, I don't know for myself.

1997
01:38:32.380 --> 01:38:36.620
I see that I'm leaning more in, but I respond to the other one too.

1998
01:38:36.620 --> 01:38:37.620
I don't know.

1999
01:38:37.620 --> 01:38:39.780
Like, I think you got this.

2000
01:38:39.780 --> 01:38:40.780
You're shining.

2001
01:38:40.780 --> 01:38:41.780
Thank you.

2002
01:38:41.780 --> 01:38:42.780
Can you close the door?

2003
01:38:42.780 --> 01:38:43.780
Please.

2004
01:38:43.780 --> 01:38:44.780
I'm shining.

2005
01:38:44.780 --> 01:38:46.580
I can't wait to hear more about the teacher.

2006
01:38:46.860 --> 01:38:47.860
Thanks.

2007
01:38:47.860 --> 01:38:48.860
Wait, is it the same school?

2008
01:38:48.860 --> 01:38:49.860
No.

2009
01:38:49.860 --> 01:38:50.860
No.

2010
01:38:50.860 --> 01:38:51.860
Okay.

2011
01:38:51.860 --> 01:38:53.980
So there's no, there's going to be no hanky-panky in the supply closet.

2012
01:38:53.980 --> 01:38:54.980
I like that.

2013
01:38:54.980 --> 01:38:55.980
That's awesome.

2014
01:38:55.980 --> 01:38:56.980
Okay.

2015
01:38:56.980 --> 01:38:57.980
I'm just kidding.

2016
01:38:57.980 --> 01:38:58.980
I'm just kidding.

2017
01:38:58.980 --> 01:38:59.980
Thank you.

2018
01:38:59.980 --> 01:39:00.980
Oh my goodness.

2019
01:39:00.980 --> 01:39:01.980
You're good.

2020
01:39:01.980 --> 01:39:02.980
Okay.

2021
01:39:02.980 --> 01:39:03.980
Brandon, you're up.

2022
01:39:03.980 --> 01:39:04.980
I know I'm silly tonight.

2023
01:39:04.980 --> 01:39:12.260
I don't know what my problem is, y'all just batting a hundred.

2024
01:39:12.260 --> 01:39:15.220
You have an unparalleled talent for teasing us.

2025
01:39:15.220 --> 01:39:18.540
We love it, Renee.

2026
01:39:18.540 --> 01:39:23.900
I wanted to circle back to the question of relocation and I'm trying to remember whether

2027
01:39:23.900 --> 01:39:29.060
it was here I heard this or somewhere else, and if it was here, whether it was you or

2028
01:39:29.060 --> 01:39:37.340
Jackie or somebody else, the guidance I got and heard is that you should have a few conversations

2029
01:39:37.340 --> 01:39:43.420
and get to know each other before asking the question of, are you willing to relocate?

2030
01:39:43.980 --> 01:39:48.100
Because getting to actually know the person and figuring out your chemistry and your compatibility

2031
01:39:48.100 --> 01:39:52.460
first can have a big impact on your willingness to relocate.

2032
01:39:52.460 --> 01:39:53.460
For sure.

2033
01:39:53.460 --> 01:39:54.460
Do you think of that?

2034
01:39:54.460 --> 01:39:59.420
I do think that if you have, I think that this may not be applicable to you, but I think

2035
01:39:59.420 --> 01:40:00.020
if somebody.

2036
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:06.560
has little kids and relocation is not an option from the get-go, I think that that's something

2037
01:40:06.560 --> 01:40:12.080
they need to be honest about from up front. Like, hey, you know what, I've got, my parenting plan

2038
01:40:12.080 --> 01:40:17.280
does not allow me to relocate for like the next eight years, so if you want to continue to get

2039
01:40:17.280 --> 01:40:22.320
to know me, I just, like, I need to let you know that that's, that's something that I'm facing with.

2040
01:40:22.880 --> 01:40:31.120
I think it's also okay to say, you know, hey, we're, I also think it's okay right in the way,

2041
01:40:31.840 --> 01:40:38.160
so you're right, I don't think you should say, like Mike was saying, he'd rather tell people

2042
01:40:38.160 --> 01:40:43.440
up front he can't relocate, so I think that's different than asking somebody to relocate.

2043
01:40:43.440 --> 01:40:48.320
I think it's okay to say, you know, just given my job, I'm in the military, I've got this really

2044
01:40:48.320 --> 01:40:53.520
big job and, you know, I, I'm just not, I know we're, it looks like we're long distance from

2045
01:40:53.520 --> 01:40:58.240
what I know of my career right now, I can't relocate in the near future. I would love to

2046
01:40:58.240 --> 01:41:03.120
continue to get to know you, but I just wanted you to know that. I think if you are that set

2047
01:41:03.120 --> 01:41:08.880
on not wanting to relocate, I think it's okay for you to share that and let that person do

2048
01:41:08.880 --> 01:41:14.400
what they want with it. Do you know what I'm saying? So if she continues to get to know you,

2049
01:41:14.400 --> 01:41:19.360
like, say you say, I, you know, I'm, I don't see me relocating. Oh, you know what, Brandon,

2050
01:41:19.360 --> 01:41:23.840
I'd still like to get to know you. And then six months from now, she goes, so Brandon,

2051
01:41:23.840 --> 01:41:28.240
will you move to me? You can be like, dude, I told you in the, I told you in the first,

2052
01:41:28.240 --> 01:41:33.200
like, conversation and I really did mean it, that's why I said it up front, you know?

2053
01:41:33.200 --> 01:41:40.160
So I think it's okay if you 100% can't relocate, I think it's okay to say it and then let that

2054
01:41:40.160 --> 01:41:46.000
person decide. Now, I definitely remember when I was going through that with some of the guys,

2055
01:41:46.000 --> 01:41:49.680
they would say that to me pretty quickly, like, you know what, Renee, I'm not even sure if I want

2056
01:41:49.680 --> 01:41:54.800
a long distance date. I know that I can't move. And I said, you know what? I can move. Like,

2057
01:41:54.800 --> 01:41:58.720
I'm in a season in life where I could. So if you're open, I'd love to keep talking to you.

2058
01:41:59.520 --> 01:42:05.600
So that's kind of how some men played it with me. You're not asking them to move,

2059
01:42:05.600 --> 01:42:11.680
but if you know you can't and you would rather not waste somebody's time and, like, cause this

2060
01:42:11.680 --> 01:42:19.280
heart thing, I think it's okay to say it, but you're not asking them because that's different.

2061
01:42:19.280 --> 01:42:25.120
Like, you stating what you can't do is not the same as you saying, so Cheryl, do you think you'd

2062
01:42:25.120 --> 01:42:30.720
be willing to relocate? Like, that would be me asking her to consider something before she's

2063
01:42:30.720 --> 01:42:36.640
getting to know me. That's different than me stating what kind of cannot happen because of my

2064
01:42:36.640 --> 01:42:43.360
job or my kids. Does that help kind of differentiate it? Or you could choose to say nothing. Like,

2065
01:42:43.360 --> 01:42:48.320
for Mike, it was easier for him to just get it out. Like, he would rather just, you know,

2066
01:42:48.320 --> 01:42:53.200
put that out on the table. So I would say, if it's like, if it's a deal breaker for you that

2067
01:42:53.200 --> 01:42:58.960
you can't move, then you might as well just say it up front. If it's a deal breaker, you can't

2068
01:42:58.960 --> 01:43:05.360
have kids or you don't want kids, you might as well say it sooner than later. Because sometimes,

2069
01:43:05.360 --> 01:43:09.840
yeah. So I hope that answers your question, but I'm glad that you asked that clarifying question.

2070
01:43:09.840 --> 01:43:13.280
I don't think you should ask somebody up front if they're willing to move,

2071
01:43:14.000 --> 01:43:18.480
because I think that's a completely different question. Like, one's more of a statement on

2072
01:43:18.480 --> 01:43:26.880
what you can do. Again, like I said to men up front, hey, I know we're long distance,

2073
01:43:26.880 --> 01:43:33.200
but I'm in a transition season. And so I'm in a position to really relocate if that ever happened,

2074
01:43:33.200 --> 01:43:38.640
if we needed to one day. Like, I would say that sooner than later up front.

2075
01:43:41.920 --> 01:43:47.680
Sure, because there can be a lot of points along the spectrum too. I mean, if 100%, I definitely,

2076
01:43:47.680 --> 01:43:52.160
you know, if there's a custody agreement in place, yeah, there's no way. But I mean, some of us could

2077
01:43:52.160 --> 01:43:57.680
be like 80 or 70 or 60 against it. And I'm just trying to get a feel for how like, yeah, you know,

2078
01:43:57.680 --> 01:44:01.840
if there is that there, you know, and you meet somebody mind blowing, and you get along great,

2079
01:44:01.840 --> 01:44:06.640
and you visited each other in real life, like, you want to maybe wait and let that develop before,

2080
01:44:07.280 --> 01:44:07.760
yeah, you know,

2081
01:44:08.960 --> 01:44:12.880
Use your judgment, Brandon, I think you're bringing up a good point. Use your judgment.

2082
01:44:13.920 --> 01:44:19.680
Robin Moody is asking a really good question in the chat. It says, Jackie told me not to move

2083
01:44:19.680 --> 01:44:24.640
until engagement. I think that's a really good point. I don't think you should move permanently

2084
01:44:24.640 --> 01:44:30.160
before engagement. What I was actually saying was, I think that if you're long distance,

2085
01:44:30.960 --> 01:44:35.200
and I think Robin, you and your guy have already been doing this. When you guys get together,

2086
01:44:35.200 --> 01:44:40.880
you're spending very extended time together. So what I was saying is, I don't think you should

2087
01:44:40.880 --> 01:44:47.600
get engaged before you visit with them enough to see what they're like on a day to day basis. And

2088
01:44:47.600 --> 01:44:53.120
I think, like Robin, you've dated very, like, I would call in the real world, you've done shopping

2089
01:44:53.120 --> 01:44:57.440
together, cooking together, walk the dogs together, you've seen each other in the morning and in the

2090
01:44:57.440 --> 01:44:59.840
evening. So that's where we're kind of talking.

2091
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:04.960
about is I'm not asking you to quit your job. I'm not asking you to sell your job. I'm just

2092
01:45:04.960 --> 01:45:09.560
saying you want to make sure that if you're dating somebody long distance, you get to

2093
01:45:09.560 --> 01:45:13.800
see what they're like day in and day out when they've not showered in front of their friends,

2094
01:45:13.800 --> 01:45:17.440
at the gym, at the grocery store, you kind of want to see what this person is like when

2095
01:45:17.440 --> 01:45:22.880
they're not just weekend dating you. So I'm glad you put that in there. And I wanted to

2096
01:45:22.880 --> 01:45:30.360
make sure I got a chance to clarify that. Okay, so Brandon, did I answer all your questions?

2097
01:45:30.360 --> 01:45:34.960
I'm sorry, that was an ADD moment for me. So I wanted to make sure I addressed all that

2098
01:45:34.960 --> 01:45:40.080
you asked of me. That is that is okay. Yeah, that's pretty much why what I wanted to ask

2099
01:45:40.080 --> 01:45:46.520
her. Okay. All right. I'm looking at the time. Crap. It's like been an hour and 45 minutes.

2100
01:45:46.520 --> 01:45:50.880
Y'all I need to get off the call. Jack is gonna kick my butt. I'm just sliding down

2101
01:45:50.880 --> 01:45:54.160
the chat to make sure I didn't miss another really important question. So I'm glad I got

2102
01:45:54.160 --> 01:46:03.600
to Robbins. Is it okay to pass on profiles with guys riding motorcycles? Angela, if you

2103
01:46:03.600 --> 01:46:09.840
feel as bad about if you feel as paranoid about motorcycles as I do, I mean, I don't

2104
01:46:09.840 --> 01:46:13.880
know unless your guy I mean, unless your guy's willing to sell the motorcycle for you, but

2105
01:46:13.880 --> 01:46:19.760
like girl, I get it. I don't know. Here's what I would tell you. So Angela's like, do

2106
01:46:19.760 --> 01:46:23.480
you blow off a guy who's got a motorcycle? I apparently did. So who knows? I could have

2107
01:46:23.480 --> 01:46:30.040
missed, you know, the man before Brian. But here's what I would say. If the profile and

2108
01:46:30.040 --> 01:46:35.200
everything else about him, like literally nails everything that you're looking for in

2109
01:46:35.200 --> 01:46:41.280
a person and they're local and you have a chance to like meet them in real life, maybe

2110
01:46:41.280 --> 01:46:47.560
you give it a chance and you find out how much in fact, they love that motorcycle. And

2111
01:46:47.560 --> 01:46:52.120
you can see if they just thought it was a hot photo to attract you and they would be

2112
01:46:52.120 --> 01:46:59.120
willing to sell the dang thing. You bet girl. Hey, I mean, it's a real see, it's a real

2113
01:46:59.120 --> 01:47:07.800
thing, man. It's just too much. Girl, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm glad you said

2114
01:47:07.800 --> 01:47:12.440
it because now I don't feel bad for having been that opinionated. I'm glad you said it.

2115
01:47:12.440 --> 01:47:19.240
It just gave me the okay to just craft and find somebody who's a better, better suited for me.

2116
01:47:20.000 --> 01:47:33.520
Okay, I'm just skying through. Oh my gosh. Okay, you guys. And by the way, y'all, if, if

2117
01:47:33.520 --> 01:47:38.640
you are ever in Franklin, Tennessee or Nashville, Tennessee, you better come find me and I'm

2118
01:47:38.640 --> 01:47:44.240
going to take you out for a drink to my favorite watering hole. Can I repeat the three questions

2119
01:47:44.240 --> 01:47:50.480
you mentioned we said, asked on a date? Oh, indirect. Oh, Judy, I'm going to answer that

2120
01:47:50.480 --> 01:47:54.200
question because that's a good one. The faith question. Here are my easy questions I ask

2121
01:47:54.200 --> 01:48:02.640
about faith. Besides work, what do you do in a given week that takes up time and energy?

2122
01:48:02.640 --> 01:48:08.680
What do you do? Second question. If you had more time, what do you, where do you think

2123
01:48:08.680 --> 01:48:14.840
you would spend more time? When you're going through difficult seasons, what do you lean

2124
01:48:14.840 --> 01:48:24.320
on to get you through it? So those are my easier faith questions. Look at you. Oh, Brandon,

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did you like that? I actually tried to show you that pose. Look at you guys. I'm really

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behind on all these. I can't keep going through them. I'm really lost. Did I what? That you,

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that I got up on my chair to show you that, that man. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's dedication.

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I was kind of waiting for you to slip and end up back in a hospital in a very different

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capacity. You worry me sometimes, Renee, but you're awesome. Keep it up. Yeah. Okay. All

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right. I think if, if you, if, if, if I missed your question, forgive me, put it in the chat

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on the Facebook page. I'll answer it tomorrow. I love you guys. It's been way too late. Brandon,

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actually since you're up on my screen still, will you close us out in prayer tonight? I'd

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love to. Heavenly Father, we are yours. We ask Lord, I just want to pray Ephesians three

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over us Lord, because this, this online dating stuff can hit our triggers. Father, it'll,

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it'll reveal what's in us. It'll, it'll reveal right there what other hard work we need to

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do. So Lord, I just pray that out of your glorious riches, you will strengthen us through

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your spirit in our inner being with power that Christ may dwell on our hearts through

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faith. And I pray that we together with all the saints may have power to grasp how high

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and wide, long and deep is the love of Christ. And know this love, which surpasses knowledge

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and to be filled with the fullness of God. Lord, just, we got to guard our hearts here.

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But Lord, thanks for Renee. Thanks for Jackie.

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Thanks for being with us, Lord. I just pray that you'll be with us.

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That you'll remind us every time before we do this,

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and before we get on this jungle gym, Lord, I pray that you will remind us that

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you are there, that we're your kids, that you're backing us up,

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that you're holding our hearts, and that whatever disappointments we run into,

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we are still first and foremost yours, and that's what matters the most. So just

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give us strength to be able to do this, Lord, and make us wise,

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make us shrewd, make us generous, make us kind,

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and just see us through to the finish line, we ask you, Lord.

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We need your help. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. I had to spotlight you, Brandon,

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because I spotlighted all the guys, and so thank you for doing that.

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All right, love you guys. See you soon. I had my eyes closed the whole time.

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It's okay, you're still adorable. All right, bye. Thank you.