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Hey, everyone. Welcome. Hello, hello. Good to see you all. Wait for a minute or so for

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people to continue to join. I'm going to get started pretty quickly. I only have like I

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have a little bit of recap because some people might be new here tonight that didn't hear

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last month's session. And so I don't want to leave those folks hanging, if you will.

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So I will touch on a few things to kind of get us back into the mindset of what we were

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talking about last month. And then we'll open up the HeartWorks Sea. I'm going to do my

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best to leave at least 45 minutes, if not a little more, maybe to an hour, depending

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on how it goes. Sometimes it just depends on even what people put in the chat. So it

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should be another really great night. Really try to have a pen handy because I do have

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several questions I'm going to ask you all. You're going to want to remember these. To

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be praying into them more, I will ask you to share in the chat as well. And so if you

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engage better by not taking notes, but just listening, you can always go back and catch

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the replay and take notes, you know, another time or something. But just definitely want

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you guys to be fully engaged here with us and anyone that can come on screen. It's really

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awesome to have you all on screen as always. Just reminding you that, you know, some of

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you all have been showing up all the time. You've been here for a long time. And I just

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don't want you to get out of the habit of showing up on screen and what that, how that

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shifts us, you know, in showing up for other areas of our lives. And so let me go ahead

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and pray before I jump into the content tonight. Father, thank you so much for everything that

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you're doing. God, thank you for everything you've been teaching us, the ways you've been

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growing us. God, I thank you for Breakthrough and for Supernatural Revelation tonight. God,

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let every word that comes out, Lord, let it come with clarity. Lord, I thank you that

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you would help us all to ask good questions. God, to have a deeper revelation of who we

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are, the areas that we've had hurts, hangups, and these old habits and patterns that manifest

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through counterfeit identities that lead us in directions that are not healthy for us,

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Lord, and that lead us into relationships that just hold us back. So Lord, I thank you,

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God, for helping us to let go, to let go of the old, to open up and welcome the new. And

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I thank you for the grace and the capacity and the courage to step forward to make new

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neuropathways and to partner with you in the process. God, I thank you for patience that

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we would extend to ourselves as we're growing, just like building new muscles takes time.

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God, I thank you that you're teaching us, you're growing us, you're healing us and you're

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showing us. Holy Spirit, we ask you come and have your way tonight. In Jesus' name. Amen.

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So last month, I started on this journey of kind of talking a little bit more about

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how different counterfeit identities show up and some ways we can recognize them, kind

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of reminding you all what is the, you know, what is the broken heart and how does it show

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up in our lives. And so if you didn't hear that session, totally go back and check it,

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check it out, because you're going to want that additional information that we're building

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on tonight. And it's okay if you have them flipped, because it's still going to be helpful

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for you. So don't leave if you haven't heard that session. I'm going to give you enough

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that I think we can run with tonight. If you're joining us here for the first time,

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as far as in the last few months, and some of you might be new, you might have come over

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from phase two. So if that's you put it in the chat. So we know that you're new from

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phase two, we want to welcome you and for the men that might be like, what's phase two?

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That's our ladies kind of middle phase, the way that we have their program broken out.

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And so if you haven't met me before, I'm Bethany Cooper. I'm one of the Master Heartwork coaches

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here in the community. For some of the guys, they have never heard me coach. And so if

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you're here for the first time as one of our guys in the community, welcome. Ladies

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rejoining that I know and have known, welcome back. We're glad that you're here. And so

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tonight where I'm opening is Proverbs 4.23. I shared this last month, but I'm going to

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kind of go back to it again. This is one of the ones that we talk about in the Heartwork.

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And Jessica, welcome. She's a newbie. She said she's here in phase three for the first

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time. So at least for tonight with the Heartwork. So this scripture is from the ESV version

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and it says this, keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of

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life. So remember again, this was kind of our anchor last month when I was talking about

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this that shows up all throughout our Heartwork course. And we want to stand on the same ground

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tonight. And so we're going to go a little further into, okay, Lord, help us to guard

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our hearts and our minds through Christ Jesus. Remember, ladies and gentlemen, that we partner

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with God in that process. Yes, God does his part, but we have to do our part too. And

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you know, we want to make sure that we don't allow everything to have access to our hearts

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just to come right on in. And that we, um, you know, one of the biggest things, at least

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for myself that I know way back, you know, when I was doing the Heartwork course, when I would

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Look at how I used to respond to people and how I used to get tripped up by people.

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And even now, all these years later, you know, when we have things happen in our

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church or with people or family members, like, I don't react the way I used to

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anymore.

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Now I still have areas to grow and we can all grow.

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So I think the reason I'm saying that to you is I don't want you to feel like you

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have to be perfect at this.

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Okay.

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It is okay to make mistakes.

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It's okay to grow.

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And hopefully you're going to be growing as you go.

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So what I mean by that is that you're hopefully not going to stay in the boat

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because you're afraid something might happen.

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Cause sometimes when we start talking about, you know, content like this and we

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go deeper, sometimes people get really, that kind of triggers people and they get

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really afraid to do anything because they're like, well, which one am I, am I

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doing it now?

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I'm like, let's just breathe and let the Holy spirit lead you and guide you as you

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go.

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All right.

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So there's a lot of freedom in that.

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You don't have to do any of this perfectly.

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This is just to continue to help you gain tools so that you can process things

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differently from a little bit more whole perspective as you go.

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All right.

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So last month, if you remember, and again, if you're new tonight, that's okay.

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Um, we kind of started giving the counterfeit identities, some names.

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I'm going to go over those very quickly tonight.

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Again, um, for those of you that might be like, wait, what did you say about that

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one again?

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I'm not going to stop and go back.

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So that's where I'm going to encourage you.

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Go ahead and go back and listen to that replay.

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That replay is from July 23rd.

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If any of you want to go back and listen to that, it was the advanced heartwork in

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your replay, um, from July 23rd.

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All right.

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And so our broken heart, remember built someone why?

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Well, because, and that was the counterfeit, but it showed up out of pain.

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It showed up because there were wounds and we were like those counterfeit

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identities rise up to try to protect.

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And keep us from getting hurt.

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Um, and kind of tell us that we need to be a certain way in order to prevent

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that and all that kind of stuff.

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And so a lot of times those counterfeit identities have been

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choosing our relationships for us.

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A lot of times that shoot that those counterfeit identities lead us to make

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choices we don't even sometimes want to make.

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So, you know, when Paul talks about why do I do the things I don't want to do,

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sometimes I even think about my old choices at like when I was leaning through my

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counterfeit identities and how long I stayed in some of those relationships and

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the ways I allowed people to treat me.

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Um, and when I look back now, I'm like, man, I can't believe I did that.

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Not from a shameful position towards myself, but just kind of like, I'm so

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different now that I'm just like, wow, like I've grown so much.

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So I really want to encourage you all to, to do that as well, that when you're

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looking at your life, let's try to move away from shameful postures and heart like

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mindsets towards each, you know, towards ourselves, towards other people that we

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would shift out of condemnation.

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Remember guilt, shame and condemnation are from the enemy, but I want you to look

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back and see how much you've grown.

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I think it's super important as we continue to do this work, even for some of you that

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are on the dating apps and you're feeling frustrated, I really want to encourage you

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to not look at what has happened and be like, oh, it's all been bad.

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That's not truth.

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I know it's not.

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So the enemy is trying to get some of you to believe that and to partner with that,

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because then if you partner with that, then guess what is going to happen as you keep

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going, you're going to keep having a very similar experience.

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So let's look at what, how have you grown?

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How has the practice helped you recognize things about yourself, about other people?

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How have you grown in blessing people, even when they're not super healthy?

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You know, all the different things.

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All right. We're going to keep going.

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So tonight, in addition to kind of naming it again, what I'm going to try to do to the

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best of my ability.

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And again, I'm going to give you guys some examples where there's never any way we're

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going to be able to go all the way into this.

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But I'm going to try to give you enough examples that you'll hopefully start to pause

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and think about, OK, am I doing this and how is this showing up in my life?

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But I want to try to help you catch it when the counterfeit identities show up for you.

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OK, so that's kind of the goal that I'm hoping to accomplish tonight.

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Here's what happens a lot.

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Our counterfeit identity doesn't always always stop us from listening to the negative

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things, OK, because it it's not going to have that strength like our true identity does

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because our true identity is rooted in the truth of Christ.

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It's rooted in the love of God.

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Remember that if we know the love of the father, perfect love casts out fear because fear

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has to do with torment.

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Right, so if you guys are struggling and you're kind of teetering back and forth between

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love, fear.

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love, fear, or a lot of what ifs,

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which is anxiety driven, if you remember,

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those are linking with hurt that is connected

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to counterfeit identities as well, a lot of the time.

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All right, so let's keep going.

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A lot of times you're gonna feel

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what I'm gonna call a pull.

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That's how I'm gonna label it tonight.

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When you're in a situation, you're gonna feel a pull

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because of counterfeit identities.

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Sometimes, some of the things I'm even gonna say tonight,

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I'm gonna encourage, like if ladies say something

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in the chat, like an area they're struggling,

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I'm gonna encourage the guys tonight

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to not feel like you have to fix that for the ladies.

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Super important.

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For the ladies, if a guy says something in the chat

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that maybe he's like, oh man,

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I'm really struggling with this.

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Ladies, you don't have to try to fix the guys tonight.

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All right, and the reason I'm calling this out

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is because sometimes, and again,

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we're all really good people.

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Nobody's trying to step into counterfeit identities,

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but sometimes our men, I'm seeing Gwen and Mickey together

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hanging out tonight, hi ladies.

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That's pretty fun, I always love that.

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Sometimes what can happen is it's just like

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the oxygen mask on an airplane.

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They tell us to put it on ourselves first,

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even before our kids, why?

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Because if we're always putting it on the other person,

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a lot of times we're not gonna put it on ourself.

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And so some of you, I want you to kind of pay attention

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to how often when God is trying,

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oops, sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

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Kenton, remove pin, I tried to mute him.

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His little phone, his car thing turned on.

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When we're trying to always put it on someone else,

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a lot of times we're trying to be in a position to receive,

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and the Lord is trying to get us revelation,

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and then what the enemy will do

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is he'll put someone in our path that needs help,

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especially if we are one of the ones

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that have a very high fixer counterfeit identity, okay?

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And so that's why I'm saying,

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I know that you guys do a great job

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on encouraging each other in this community.

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I'm not saying you can't do that at all going forward.

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I'm just saying tonight while we're doing the heart work,

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we're gonna try to stay in the zone.

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Everything that people put in there,

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and even ladies, don't feel like if someone's hurting

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that you have to fix it, okay?

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It's really important sometimes

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where we just kind of feel that with them

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and allow it to be there.

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One of the things I do a lot in heart work sessions now

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is I remind people of that.

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When they go into breakout rooms,

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that if someone is sad or they have emotion

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or something comes out,

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that we don't have to feel any need to fix that.

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We can just say, thank you so much for sharing that with me.

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Feel really blessed to hear your story,

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and then the other person share.

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And so some of you,

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I want you to practice that in your life too.

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Because if you have a high fixer counterfeit identity,

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man, the enemy is gonna send people to you all the time

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to just get you super distracted

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and always focusing on everybody else that you have to help

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instead of helping yourself and allowing God to heal you

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and go further into that healing.

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All right, here's my first question for you tonight

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to get you in the chat with us.

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All right.

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One word since last month is,

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we went into those again, those identities,

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and I'm gonna talk about those again here in just a moment.

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But since last month, if you weren't here last month,

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it's totally fine.

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You can answer this to the best of your ability.

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For those of you that were here last month,

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I'm curious what version of you

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maybe showed up on a date or in a text

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or in a moment that you didn't expect.

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I'm gonna go ahead and remind you

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of what some of those versions were really quickly.

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We have the counterfeit identity.

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The wound underneath is I'm only valuable when I'm needed.

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Who we tend to attract is people who need rescuing.

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The strong one, the wound underneath tends to be

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no one showed up, so I don't need anyone.

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Who we tend to attract is people

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who never have to show up for us.

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The peacekeeper, the wound underneath

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tends to be conflict meant danger.

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It never meant that people could just disagree

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and learn how to love each other through it.

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It meant danger.

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Who we tend to attract is people

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whose behavior needs excusing.

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The achiever, the wound underneath,

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and again, there's more wounds,

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but these are the ones that I put in for the teaching.

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Love had to be earned.

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People we tend to attract is people

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who make us prove that we love them.

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We always feel like we have to prove it

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and prove it and prove it over and over.

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The counterfeit identity of the invisible one,

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the wound underneath is I'm seen and I'm not heard.

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Who we tend to attract is people who overlook us.

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They never actually see us.

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They don't fully engage with us,

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including they don't commit to us.

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The provider, the wound underneath,

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I'm valued for what I produce, not who I am.

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People who we tend to attract is people

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who take and don't pour.

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back into us. There's never, there's not a give and take where both people are contributing. It's

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a take, take, take, take, take typically. Here's the last one, the protector, the wound underneath.

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I don't get to have needs who we tend to attract people with no room for, for like our needs.

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Literally, they have no room for our needs. And so again, the question is in the last month,

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what version of you showed up on a date in a text or in a moment that you didn't expect?

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Out of those ones that I read tonight, and if there's other things, you guys can put that in

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the chat too. I'm just curious, where did you guys see this show up and what version showed

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up for you? All right, Simone says the peacemaker for her. Anyone else? Oh yeah, Charlotte, I won't

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go back through them again, sorry. Lika says I'm seen and not heard. Allison had said achiever.

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Amelia, insecurity showed up for me. Kalandra, never seen. Camilla, I'm seen but not heard. So

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several of you are having that one show up. Gwen, fixer. We'll have more come in the chat. So I'm

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going to keep going. Go ahead and keep putting those in there as you think about really how

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that showed up for you and what that looked like. So as we start to talk about it, when you were

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wounded and no one came, okay, men and women alike, when we were wounded and no one came to the rescue,

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okay, that's an example. We made a decision in those moments about who we had to become to survive.

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That version of us kept us alive and if you remember last month, you know, we don't hate on

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ourselves for those decisions in those moments because they literally did keep us alive. But

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those were never our true identity. These things that I listed off tonight, again, these are not

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our true identities. God is trying to help us heal and he's trying to help us, you know, continue to

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and he's trying to help us, you know, continue to walk out of those because he wants us to learn how

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to show up in life in the fullness of who he created us to be. Remember that the counterfeit

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identities were created as a mask to wear over the wound. Think about it. Those of us that tend to fix,

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didn't we grow up in an environment where we had to fix things a lot?

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And instead of feeling the pain of that, we shifted into the fixer

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or the peacekeeper. I don't know if you all remember last month, one of the things I said is

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that my brothers would hit my sister a lot. They would get into fistfights and I felt like I always

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had to jump in and stop that from happening and be that peacekeeper. And so even though I wasn't in

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the exact same kind of situation in my former marriage, I did the same thing several times.

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Including his dynamic with my stepson's, you know, biological mom, his own parents,

303
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always trying to be the peacekeeper between situations that were going on.

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God wants us to come out of those places because remember masks attract the wrong people. These

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counterfeit identities, when we live into those, they attract the wrong people. A counterfeit can

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only draw another counterfeit connection. Okay. So again, I'm not going to go through the kind of

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the whole explanation, but the fixer, the strong one, the peacekeeper, the achiever,

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the invisible one, the provider, the protector. Find yourself tonight in this list. And I really

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just want you to pause where you're at. You don't have to unmute. You don't have to put anything in

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the chat. And I just want you to ask the Lord to help you come out from under these. And some of

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you might recognize yourself in several of them. Typically I do. So I just want you to say, I just

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want to say you're not alone. Okay. Because we all, and I think even in different seasons, you know,

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we have even trauma as adults that impact how we're showing up. Remember the counterfeit was assigned

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by pain. The enemy came in when trauma was happening and he lied to us. And because we

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believe those lies, some of us were defenseless. We, you know, we were little kids. We didn't know

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any better. Our brains couldn't even comprehend what was happening for most of us. And so our

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real identity was assigned by God though. And it predates every wound. And so that's why the

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heartwork, it's always about God helped me to step further into the fullness of who you originally

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created me to be. Lord, who did you create me to be before? You know, even our, some of us,

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it's not our own wounds, you know, or things we went through. Some of us,

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our kids are choosing really unhealthy things.

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And our hearts are breaking because we're seeing the things that they're choosing that are damaging them.

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And some of them are choosing to go down paths that are not good for them.

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That's hard.

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And what do we do as parents?

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Sometimes we try to step in and fix and protect and control because we're trying to prevent them from hurting themselves.

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When sometimes really what we need to do, we love them.

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We love them. We pray for them.

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But sometimes we need to release them and let the Lord help them work that all out.

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I always try to think of this.

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Y'all, I went through so many traumas.

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I made a lot of my own mistakes.

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And I'm not saying I have everything figured out by any means, but man, I'm living a pretty good life now.

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And God got me here so God can get my kids here too.

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And that's what I cling to.

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So I hope that that helps some of you tonight as we continue to go into this.

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All right, I want you to think now about, and when I talk about the assignment, I want to kind of explain this.

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I'm going to say this so I don't have to explain it every single time.

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When I talk about the assignment, what I mean by that is when the counterfeit identity is like, ding, ding, ding, here's my assignment.

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This is what I'm called to do in this moment.

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That's what I'm talking about.

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And we won't always recognize it that loud and clear.

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Sometimes it's very subtle.

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Remember the devil is sneaky.

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He's always coming in Mr. Sneaky Pants, trying to get us to go in a direction that is not in alignment with our true identity.

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To follow a path that will not help us, but could potentially hurt us.

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So this is where I'm going to build a little bit more on what we talked about last month.

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Again, last month we covered different types of counterfeit identities, and I went through those a little bit quickly tonight.

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Again, if you're just logging in, if you look for the replay from last month, under your replay tab, it's from July 23rd, Advanced Heartwork.

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It will go into those explanations more.

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I took a lot more time last month with it.

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But here's the thing.

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I want us to start to kind of hone in on the exact moment that our counterfeit starts clocking into the game, if you will.

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So I'm going to talk about a couple things, and then I'm going to give you all some examples, at least from my life, how they've showed up over the years.

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And I hope that you'll start to kind of recognize some things the enemy has been doing, you know, maybe with you as well.

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So here's the thing.

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It shows up a lot of times, but I think we tend to think that they show up later in the game.

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But our counterfeit actually tends to show up way earlier than we even think or notice sometimes.

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And so I want you to think about the moment, again, when you're interacting with other people.

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It could be via text.

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It could be in person.

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In our day and age, it could be on a Zoom like this.

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It could be in a Zoom chat.

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I just want you to think about any place that you're having interaction with other people when your counterfeit shows up.

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And hopefully tonight, you'll start to learn that your body is telling you yes before your mind has even gotten to vote.

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Remember, our body keeps score.

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So the trauma and the things that we've gone through our bodies, sometimes, again, this is where our feelings, you know,

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Jackie talks a lot about not letting our feelings be in the driver's seat.

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Where our feelings is what, I mean, our whole body, you know, is trying to tell us things.

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Sometimes our body is telling us we're in flight mode.

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Get out of here.

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Get out of here.

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Danger, danger.

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And there's actually not danger.

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That's real.

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That happens sometimes.

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Now, sometimes that happens because there is danger.

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But from my experience, there's times when my body is trying to tell me, run, run.

379
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You're not safe here.

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And that is not the case.

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And so I've had to, like, continue to teach my body and tell myself, no, we're good.

382
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You can calm down, body.

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Like, I literally talk to myself, not in a crazy way, but, like, literally trying to teach my body when Gail, I see Gail on my screen.

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She's laughing at me.

385
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But, you know, sometimes, you know, you say something out of your mouth, and then you think, well, that probably sounded really weird.

386
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But legit, it's no different to me than when David said, why are you downcast, oh, my soul?

387
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Hope in the Lord.

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He was talking to his soul.

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And sometimes we need to remind our body what the truth is.

390
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All right.

391
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I'm going to keep going.

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So the fixer, I'm going to kind of work with three right now.

393
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And then I'll go further.

394
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into some of this in a little bit.

395
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The fixer feels it, the counterfeit showing up,

396
00:25:05.520 --> 00:25:07.640
the assignment, if you will,

397
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the second someone mentions they are a little broken.

398
00:25:14.600 --> 00:25:17.440
So, they show up in your DMs,

399
00:25:17.440 --> 00:25:19.240
you guys are having a conversation,

400
00:25:19.240 --> 00:25:22.640
and before you know it, the person's telling you

401
00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:24.940
all the problems that they have in their life.

402
00:25:25.880 --> 00:25:29.600
And your fixer shows up, counterfeit identity,

403
00:25:29.600 --> 00:25:34.240
I can help them, anyone else relate to that?

404
00:25:34.240 --> 00:25:36.920
I can, I know I had some of those,

405
00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:40.160
I dated some of those, I married one of those before,

406
00:25:40.160 --> 00:25:42.160
praise the Lord, I didn't do that again.

407
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The peacekeeper feels that the second there is tension,

408
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and they're just trying to smooth it out,

409
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because remember, the peacekeeper believes

410
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that conflict means danger, they're uncomfortable,

411
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they don't like tension.

412
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So, even let me take this a little bit further,

413
00:26:02.320 --> 00:26:04.040
so if somebody messages you,

414
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even though you know that person's not healthy,

415
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:09.000
and they start kind of going off on you,

416
00:26:09.000 --> 00:26:10.200
you just want to keep the peace,

417
00:26:10.200 --> 00:26:12.680
you just want to make them happy.

418
00:26:12.680 --> 00:26:14.880
So instead of blessing them and blocking them,

419
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:17.440
you're sitting trying to explain yourself to them.

420
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Y'all, we don't have to do that.

421
00:26:21.260 --> 00:26:22.400
That is the ploy of the enemy,

422
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he's like throwing you that line,

423
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:26.120
he's trying to get you to take the bait

424
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and come right into that trap.

425
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It's not your job to make everybody understand.

426
00:26:32.480 --> 00:26:34.640
Some of us, we need to pause and say,

427
00:26:34.640 --> 00:26:37.080
you know, I was working with someone this week,

428
00:26:37.080 --> 00:26:39.240
and one of the questions, and it really spoke to me too,

429
00:26:39.240 --> 00:26:40.720
and it just came up in my spirit

430
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:42.360
to kind of share this with y'all,

431
00:26:42.360 --> 00:26:46.680
like sometimes we want other people just to understand us,

432
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and I can relate to that so much,

433
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because as a kid, I felt like people

434
00:26:50.920 --> 00:26:52.320
didn't understand me a lot.

435
00:26:53.160 --> 00:26:55.320
And I felt like on the outside, even with my friends,

436
00:26:55.320 --> 00:26:59.280
a lot of my friends had parents that were married and happy

437
00:26:59.280 --> 00:27:01.600
and my family was not like that.

438
00:27:02.800 --> 00:27:04.760
So I always felt like I was coming from behind

439
00:27:04.760 --> 00:27:06.080
in every place that I showed up,

440
00:27:06.080 --> 00:27:08.480
whether I ever said that out loud or not,

441
00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:11.000
like that is how I felt on the inside.

442
00:27:12.140 --> 00:27:14.640
I didn't have the nice name brand new things

443
00:27:14.640 --> 00:27:16.080
like most of the kids did.

444
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:19.560
I still had nice stuff, my mom took good care of us,

445
00:27:19.560 --> 00:27:22.520
but she was a single mom with four kids,

446
00:27:22.520 --> 00:27:24.100
she didn't have a lot of extra money.

447
00:27:24.100 --> 00:27:27.020
So again, like a lot of times those things would show up

448
00:27:27.020 --> 00:27:30.460
and I would try to over explain myself to people.

449
00:27:30.460 --> 00:27:31.780
We don't have to do that.

450
00:27:32.660 --> 00:27:35.740
The provider tends to, the counterfeit tends to show up

451
00:27:35.740 --> 00:27:38.060
the second that the person,

452
00:27:38.060 --> 00:27:40.540
like we feel like we can be useful to them.

453
00:27:40.540 --> 00:27:45.540
Remember the provider tends to have a wound underneath,

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I'm valued for what I produce, not who I am.

455
00:27:51.540 --> 00:27:55.860
So that little click that starts to happen,

456
00:27:55.860 --> 00:27:59.060
like, oh, I know how I can do this.

457
00:27:59.060 --> 00:28:04.060
I know how I can fix this broken part of them.

458
00:28:04.420 --> 00:28:06.840
And again, I'm not saying we're even overtly saying that,

459
00:28:06.840 --> 00:28:10.060
but our subconscious starts to kick in,

460
00:28:10.060 --> 00:28:12.780
like, oh my gosh, like I can help them.

461
00:28:12.780 --> 00:28:14.200
They're not that strong of a Christian,

462
00:28:14.200 --> 00:28:17.140
but I am and I can help them grow in their Christian walk.

463
00:28:17.140 --> 00:28:18.860
And then we can be a happy couple together.

464
00:28:18.860 --> 00:28:20.620
Anyone else ever done that?

465
00:28:21.460 --> 00:28:22.740
I sure did that.

466
00:28:22.740 --> 00:28:24.340
Y'all, we don't have to do that.

467
00:28:27.580 --> 00:28:29.460
Some of you are like, oh, there's all this tension,

468
00:28:29.460 --> 00:28:30.960
like I said, and you're trying to make sure

469
00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:33.100
that they figure it out or they understand you

470
00:28:33.100 --> 00:28:35.080
before you just bless and move on.

471
00:28:35.980 --> 00:28:40.180
That's not like God drawing you together with someone,

472
00:28:40.180 --> 00:28:42.580
y'all, that's not chemistry.

473
00:28:42.580 --> 00:28:45.100
That's the counterfeit picking up their badge

474
00:28:45.100 --> 00:28:47.340
and saying, oh, I've got my assignment,

475
00:28:47.340 --> 00:28:49.060
it's time to go to work now.

476
00:28:50.700 --> 00:28:53.740
So I want you to start paying attention to

477
00:28:53.740 --> 00:28:56.720
when you start having these thoughts and feelings,

478
00:28:58.080 --> 00:29:00.320
what is your body telling you?

479
00:29:02.540 --> 00:29:07.540
Chemistry with a counterfeit does not feel like peace.

480
00:29:11.220 --> 00:29:12.060
It doesn't.

481
00:29:13.820 --> 00:29:16.440
Y'all, when I dated the girls, my girl's dad,

482
00:29:17.360 --> 00:29:21.080
man, that guy was never freaking happy, ever.

483
00:29:21.080 --> 00:29:25.680
I literally don't know if there was ever one moment

484
00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:29.360
that he was genuinely a happy person.

485
00:29:29.360 --> 00:29:32.200
In six years time, I think one day

486
00:29:32.200 --> 00:29:33.920
we had this water gun fight,

487
00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:35.440
that is literally the only time

488
00:29:35.440 --> 00:29:36.960
that I can actually say to you

489
00:29:36.960 --> 00:29:39.260
that I think he was maybe happy that day.

490
00:29:40.560 --> 00:29:45.440
Why would I continue to try to fix that and fix that?

491
00:29:45.440 --> 00:29:48.000
He wasn't my problem to fix.

492
00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:48.960
Now, there were other things

493
00:29:48.960 --> 00:29:51.040
that kept me in that relationship,

494
00:29:51.040 --> 00:29:54.880
but do you know how many times I got screamed at

495
00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:58.520
in that relationship and told that I was the problem?

496
00:29:58.520 --> 00:30:00.080
But he was literally never.

497
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.680
are happy. But see, I was always trying to fix him. And so again,

498
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:08.920
some of y'all just this is about Lord, where's the stuff showing

499
00:30:08.920 --> 00:30:14.320
up? Maybe it shows up differently for you. So when we

500
00:30:14.320 --> 00:30:19.200
have peace, remember, peace can be our guide, our guide, it can

501
00:30:19.240 --> 00:30:25.160
it's that ever present help. The counselor, the comforter. He's

502
00:30:25.160 --> 00:30:27.760
going to guide you with peace. And there shouldn't be constant.

503
00:30:27.760 --> 00:30:29.960
Yes, we're going to have arguments with people sometimes.

504
00:30:29.960 --> 00:30:32.960
But y'all, if it's a constant argument, and you're just

505
00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:39.640
dating someone, y'all, why? It's not supposed to be like that.

506
00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:45.480
It's not. So let's pause and think, okay, why am I convincing

507
00:30:45.480 --> 00:30:51.000
myself to stay in this relationship? Is it because I

508
00:30:51.000 --> 00:30:53.600
believe there's nobody else or that God might not bring

509
00:30:53.600 --> 00:30:57.560
somebody else? Like, what's really keeping me here? I'm

510
00:30:57.560 --> 00:31:02.720
going to keep going. Our counterfeit identity tends to

511
00:31:02.720 --> 00:31:06.760
like, in our body will cause us to kind of lean in. Again, when

512
00:31:06.760 --> 00:31:09.680
we feel that assignment, when we feel that, like, oh my gosh, I

513
00:31:09.680 --> 00:31:12.120
can help. I'm a part of the solution. And again, I'm not

514
00:31:12.120 --> 00:31:16.920
saying what that we're not ever. But it's different when you're

515
00:31:16.920 --> 00:31:20.200
not trying to fix the person where you can literally just

516
00:31:20.200 --> 00:31:23.000
look over and they're running and they're walking into more

517
00:31:23.000 --> 00:31:26.000
healing and you are too. And you can kind of feel like

518
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:29.560
you're running together. Even if you're not like, you know,

519
00:31:29.560 --> 00:31:33.760
they're running on the same kind of pace and lane versus you

520
00:31:33.760 --> 00:31:38.160
having to stop, get all your tools out and fix the project

521
00:31:38.200 --> 00:31:43.080
before you can move forward. That isn't that's not peace. So

522
00:31:43.080 --> 00:31:46.760
peace often feels like nothing to us right now. When we're in

523
00:31:46.760 --> 00:31:50.280
that moment, some of us we've had so much chaos, that we

524
00:31:50.280 --> 00:31:56.640
think peace is boring. But it's actually quite wonderful when we

525
00:31:56.640 --> 00:32:00.480
learn how to live in it. The counterfeit will tend to feel

526
00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:03.800
like, like this electricity, because again, we'll get all

527
00:32:03.800 --> 00:32:07.920
that charge up, especially if we're not healed yet in a lot

528
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:12.880
of those areas. Because our old tapes up here, those old

529
00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:16.880
neuropathways are trying to tell us, like, this is the zone,

530
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:19.520
this is the way to go. This is what you do. This is what you

531
00:32:19.520 --> 00:32:24.640
know. But if we're trying to grow new neuropathways and let

532
00:32:24.640 --> 00:32:29.720
those old ones die down, we have to start resisting some of

533
00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:36.120
those go tos for us. And here's why counterfeits tend to feel

534
00:32:36.120 --> 00:32:43.480
like electricity. They convince us that it's love. That's why

535
00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:49.160
we're staying in its love. But so many times, it's actually the

536
00:32:49.160 --> 00:32:53.000
wound underneath that's convincing us that it's our job

537
00:32:53.000 --> 00:32:57.960
to fix them to fix the situation, to try to make sure

538
00:32:57.960 --> 00:33:01.040
they're okay, even if they're constantly being a mean person

539
00:33:01.040 --> 00:33:06.880
to us. And I'm not saying that we should just cut all people

540
00:33:06.880 --> 00:33:11.680
out of our lives. That's not what I'm saying. But there's no

541
00:33:11.680 --> 00:33:15.880
reason for us to have to date someone that's like that. And

542
00:33:15.880 --> 00:33:21.880
marry someone that's like that. Isaiah 43, four says this

543
00:33:21.880 --> 00:33:26.760
precious, honored, loved. This is a paraphrase before anyone

544
00:33:26.760 --> 00:33:32.360
told you otherwise. I want you to think about this scripture I

545
00:33:32.360 --> 00:33:35.400
want you guys can look up the full verse. But I want you to

546
00:33:35.400 --> 00:33:39.800
think about what does it mean to be precious, and the men to

547
00:33:39.920 --> 00:33:49.400
honored, loved before anyone told you otherwise. What would

548
00:33:49.400 --> 00:33:52.680
that mean to you? I'm going to ask you to share something in

549
00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:57.600
the chat. This is your next activation question. Where do

550
00:33:57.600 --> 00:34:00.840
you feel it in your body when someone activates your

551
00:34:00.840 --> 00:34:05.600
counterfeit? Name the sensation, not the story. So yes, the

552
00:34:05.600 --> 00:34:09.199
stories matter. But like, let's say, I'm just going to make some

553
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:17.600
things up. You've had a really bad day. And you're you've been

554
00:34:17.600 --> 00:34:23.880
just helping everybody else. But literally no one noticed that

555
00:34:23.880 --> 00:34:30.120
you had a need at all. Where do you feel that in your body?

556
00:34:30.600 --> 00:34:34.719
Kalandra said she recognizes hers in her chest. Yeah. And

557
00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:37.880
some of it you all I learned this when I was going through I

558
00:34:37.880 --> 00:34:43.360
was working with. She was kind of a counselor. But in my

559
00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:46.639
journey, she was also an art therapist. And one of the things

560
00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:48.520
I always thought was so interesting. One of the first

561
00:34:48.520 --> 00:34:51.719
things she would do with me is when I would come to see her,

562
00:34:51.719 --> 00:34:54.440
she would have me put both my feet on the ground. And she

563
00:34:54.440 --> 00:34:59.160
would do this like check in with me. Like, okay, like, tell me

564
00:34:59.160 --> 00:35:00.080
how you're feeling today.

565
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.560
day. And at first I'm like, I don't know, I feel fine. Like, I didn't know what she was looking

566
00:35:06.560 --> 00:35:11.440
for. Cause see, that's me. I'm always wanting to make sure that I'm saying the thing back then.

567
00:35:11.440 --> 00:35:16.640
I wanted to say, what was it? What do you want me to say? Like, you know, that peacekeeper,

568
00:35:16.640 --> 00:35:21.360
that people pleaser, always trying to make sure everybody's happy with what I'm saying.

569
00:35:21.360 --> 00:35:24.720
And she's like, no, I just want you to kind of sit there and then tell me what you feel.

570
00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:29.280
Like, do you feel anything? And sometimes in the beginning I would be like, I don't know.

571
00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:33.920
And then what would happen is when I would start talking about some of the things that were

572
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:40.640
happening in my life, my heart would start to hurt, like literal pain in my heart. Not like

573
00:35:40.640 --> 00:35:45.680
a heart attack kind of thing, but like deep, like shooting pain, like someone had stabbed me.

574
00:35:46.960 --> 00:35:52.720
And that's what I started noticing first. Then other times I would notice that my left arm

575
00:35:52.720 --> 00:35:59.200
would feel really heavy. And so it was just something that I started going through and I

576
00:35:59.200 --> 00:36:03.440
started paying attention to it more. And that was something I worked on at home. And then the more I

577
00:36:03.440 --> 00:36:09.840
did that, the more I recognized it more quickly, even when I would sit down to talk to her,

578
00:36:09.840 --> 00:36:15.040
sometimes my feet felt really weak and y'all, our feet are like our support system.

579
00:36:15.840 --> 00:36:20.000
It's our strength. It's just like a tree, like a tree's trunk is its strength.

580
00:36:20.400 --> 00:36:24.800
And typically when that would show up, it was when I was feeling unsteady in something,

581
00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:27.760
like I was having to make a decision and I was scared.

582
00:36:30.560 --> 00:36:33.840
And so you might be thinking, well, what does this have to do with counterfeit identities? Well,

583
00:36:35.520 --> 00:36:41.680
if my body is telling me danger, danger, I feel something in my heart and I'm ignoring it.

584
00:36:43.600 --> 00:36:47.280
It's telling me I have a wound underneath somewhere because whatever it is I was

585
00:36:47.600 --> 00:36:54.720
talking about in that moment, I was feeling the pain of that in my body, not just in my head,

586
00:36:56.320 --> 00:37:03.840
not in my emotion center, but literal physical pain in my body. So again, guys and ladies alike,

587
00:37:03.840 --> 00:37:08.960
sometimes the guys, this might feel like, I don't know if I want to do this, but I really encourage

588
00:37:08.960 --> 00:37:13.760
you. If you are willing to do this stuff, you're going to start to really notice

589
00:37:14.160 --> 00:37:18.880
things about yourself and really where you need to hone in and do a little bit more heartwork.

590
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:24.960
Okay, we're going to keep going. I had a couple people share. So some people said there are

591
00:37:24.960 --> 00:37:30.880
thoughts over thinking, anxiety, they would feel led to run, thoughts in their stomach. Yep.

592
00:37:31.440 --> 00:37:36.160
Sometimes, yep. Dan said in his chest and thoughts, several people saying thoughts,

593
00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:44.800
thoughts, short of breath and nauseous. Yes, yes, yes. In throats. Yeah. Sometimes y'all,

594
00:37:44.800 --> 00:37:49.840
have you ever been talking and then all of a sudden you're saying something that was happening

595
00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:55.120
and you start to feel it like this, this big thing in your throat. And sometimes you won't,

596
00:37:55.120 --> 00:38:00.480
you'll actually have to cough. That is literal stuff working its way out of your body as you're

597
00:38:00.480 --> 00:38:06.240
talking about things. All right. Let's see here. I'm just trying to scroll to see. All right.

598
00:38:07.760 --> 00:38:14.240
Sometimes people wrote Rosemary said generally over irritated. Yeah. So if you guys think of

599
00:38:14.240 --> 00:38:18.640
more, you can put those in there. I'm going to keep going. So I'm trying to watch time here.

600
00:38:19.760 --> 00:38:22.960
Here's the next couple of things I want to give you, because I want to go a little deeper into

601
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:27.200
how they tend to show up in texting, or maybe when we're sitting across the table from someone.

602
00:38:27.920 --> 00:38:31.120
And I'm going to try to go through these really quickly because I want to leave plenty of time

603
00:38:31.120 --> 00:38:35.280
for the heartwork seat tonight. And as you're thinking about the heartwork seat too,

604
00:38:37.360 --> 00:38:42.080
it could be what we're talking about tonight. I really would like to stay in this, this kind of

605
00:38:43.040 --> 00:38:48.000
place and space, if you will, of content. But if there's something that you're just burning to ask

606
00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:53.600
about something else, that's totally fine. All right. Here are a couple areas where I feel like

607
00:38:53.600 --> 00:38:58.720
the counterfeit identity, like, I want to encourage you all to start to, again, pay attention

608
00:38:58.720 --> 00:39:06.480
to where your heart and mind and your body go to in the midst of situations. Here is like a couple,

609
00:39:06.480 --> 00:39:12.240
I tried to put together a couple like when we're texting with people. And then also when we're on

610
00:39:12.240 --> 00:39:18.880
a date, and then in the silence. So after they pull away from us people that pull away, so I'm

611
00:39:18.880 --> 00:39:23.920
going to try to go into all three categories. So the first one is texting. This is like you're

612
00:39:23.920 --> 00:39:33.040
texting with someone. The counterfeit shows up in how fast we reply. So those of you that really

613
00:39:33.040 --> 00:39:37.440
struggle with anxious attachment, you know, even you're like checking your phone a lot and you're

614
00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:44.080
getting really anxious. Some of you are replying really, really fast. Sometimes it's how long do

615
00:39:44.080 --> 00:39:51.360
you sit there drafting your response? Typing, deleting, typing, deleting, overthinking it,

616
00:39:51.360 --> 00:39:57.680
overanalyzing, all of that kind of stuff. How many times do you sit and reread their text?

617
00:39:58.240 --> 00:39:59.920
Kind of like, and I'm not even saying

618
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.660
saying like, now if someone sends you a compliment,

619
00:40:02.660 --> 00:40:04.060
I don't think there's anything wrong with like,

620
00:40:04.060 --> 00:40:05.700
oh, that's so awesome.

621
00:40:05.700 --> 00:40:07.140
You know, that's a good feeling.

622
00:40:07.140 --> 00:40:10.240
But what I'm talking about right now is when,

623
00:40:11.580 --> 00:40:12.460
I just had this thing.

624
00:40:12.460 --> 00:40:14.800
I was like, I had a panic feeling like I forgot to record.

625
00:40:14.800 --> 00:40:16.780
I don't know why, sorry.

626
00:40:16.780 --> 00:40:18.180
It's recording, we're good.

627
00:40:19.220 --> 00:40:21.700
So sometimes when we're sitting rereading

628
00:40:21.700 --> 00:40:25.320
because maybe we said something back

629
00:40:25.320 --> 00:40:27.700
and then they didn't reply again.

630
00:40:27.700 --> 00:40:30.920
And so we sit there and obsess over what they said last.

631
00:40:30.920 --> 00:40:31.800
Did we say the right thing?

632
00:40:31.800 --> 00:40:34.640
And all that kind of stuff, all right?

633
00:40:34.640 --> 00:40:37.400
Maybe you catch yourself writing a paragraph

634
00:40:37.400 --> 00:40:40.480
to fix a one line problem.

635
00:40:40.480 --> 00:40:43.240
That's the fixer showing up, okay?

636
00:40:43.240 --> 00:40:44.480
The person told you something

637
00:40:44.480 --> 00:40:46.200
that they're not sure that they like,

638
00:40:46.200 --> 00:40:48.460
or maybe they're just trying to find out more information

639
00:40:48.460 --> 00:40:50.020
or whatever that is.

640
00:40:51.640 --> 00:40:54.880
And you're sending them a paragraph

641
00:40:54.880 --> 00:40:56.620
because they mentioned something.

642
00:40:56.620 --> 00:41:00.480
That's the fixer trying to show up and fix that problem.

643
00:41:00.480 --> 00:41:02.360
I want you to kind of start to freeze the frame.

644
00:41:02.360 --> 00:41:03.400
If you're one of those folks

645
00:41:03.400 --> 00:41:05.360
that struggles with that kind of stuff,

646
00:41:07.000 --> 00:41:09.600
and I want you all to start pausing and asking yourself,

647
00:41:09.600 --> 00:41:13.160
which version of me is holding this phone right now?

648
00:41:15.080 --> 00:41:19.800
Is the secure, healthy, wholehearted,

649
00:41:19.800 --> 00:41:23.960
I'm just gonna use Gail, holding my phone right now?

650
00:41:24.940 --> 00:41:28.260
Or is, and I'm just making these things up

651
00:41:28.260 --> 00:41:30.020
because I don't know what Gail's are,

652
00:41:30.020 --> 00:41:35.020
but, or is the invisible Gail showing up right now

653
00:41:35.980 --> 00:41:37.580
that believes she's not seen or heard

654
00:41:37.580 --> 00:41:39.280
and that people don't really care?

655
00:41:41.340 --> 00:41:43.500
So now I've got to convince this person

656
00:41:43.500 --> 00:41:45.780
that I matter on this phone.

657
00:41:45.780 --> 00:41:47.300
Do y'all see how that works?

658
00:41:48.300 --> 00:41:49.700
Okay, I'm gonna keep going.

659
00:41:50.700 --> 00:41:54.080
Maybe you've re-read their last message.

660
00:41:54.080 --> 00:41:57.040
I'm gonna lean a little bit more into that rereading loop.

661
00:41:57.040 --> 00:42:00.120
Six times, looking for the hidden meaning

662
00:42:00.120 --> 00:42:04.560
that wasn't there or isn't there.

663
00:42:05.680 --> 00:42:07.840
That's not just analysis, ladies and gentlemen,

664
00:42:07.840 --> 00:42:09.720
that's your counterfeit,

665
00:42:09.720 --> 00:42:14.320
hunting for its assignment in the ambi,

666
00:42:14.320 --> 00:42:16.820
I can't even say the word, ambiguity.

667
00:42:17.720 --> 00:42:19.240
I think that's how you say it.

668
00:42:19.580 --> 00:42:22.100
Ambiguity, I think that's the right way.

669
00:42:23.420 --> 00:42:26.380
Anyways, we're looking at that paragraph

670
00:42:26.380 --> 00:42:28.700
and we're like, what, you know, what did they mean?

671
00:42:28.700 --> 00:42:31.220
And maybe they mean this and maybe they mean that.

672
00:42:32.540 --> 00:42:36.040
People tell us what they mean, they really do.

673
00:42:36.040 --> 00:42:37.580
Do you know what we need to pay attention to?

674
00:42:37.580 --> 00:42:40.160
Not just their words, what do we learn in the heart work?

675
00:42:40.160 --> 00:42:45.160
Their actions, their actions are telling us what they want.

676
00:42:45.860 --> 00:42:50.620
And if they can't communicate with us

677
00:42:50.620 --> 00:42:54.140
what they're thinking and feeling and what they want,

678
00:42:54.140 --> 00:42:56.180
well then we don't need to chase them down

679
00:42:56.180 --> 00:42:58.620
to get that information out of them.

680
00:42:58.620 --> 00:43:00.940
That probably isn't the best fit for us.

681
00:43:02.420 --> 00:43:04.200
All right, I'm gonna keep going.

682
00:43:04.200 --> 00:43:06.660
Also the delay negotiation.

683
00:43:06.660 --> 00:43:11.660
So you wait 40 minutes to reply so you seem less eager.

684
00:43:12.300 --> 00:43:14.540
Anyone else ever done that?

685
00:43:14.560 --> 00:43:16.320
I did that.

686
00:43:16.320 --> 00:43:19.160
I didn't wanna seem over eager, I remember.

687
00:43:19.160 --> 00:43:24.160
And so waited, sometimes draft, redraft a response.

688
00:43:24.640 --> 00:43:27.480
The achiever is managing that transaction,

689
00:43:27.480 --> 00:43:29.240
ladies and gentlemen.

690
00:43:29.240 --> 00:43:31.040
That's what's happening there.

691
00:43:31.040 --> 00:43:33.920
Notice that we're strategizing a text message

692
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:35.640
like it's a job interview.

693
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:38.720
Why are we doing this stuff?

694
00:43:38.720 --> 00:43:42.200
Well, because our counterfeit, that achiever,

695
00:43:42.200 --> 00:43:46.660
remember with the achiever, love has to be earned.

696
00:43:46.660 --> 00:43:49.300
So internally what's happening in you,

697
00:43:49.300 --> 00:43:50.900
the dialogue that you're hearing is

698
00:43:50.900 --> 00:43:55.020
if you say the wrong thing, they're gonna leave.

699
00:43:55.020 --> 00:43:56.660
They're gonna stop texting you.

700
00:43:59.000 --> 00:44:01.020
Well, if that's the case,

701
00:44:01.020 --> 00:44:04.100
then that's probably not a good connection for you anyways.

702
00:44:06.060 --> 00:44:08.300
Now I'm not saying we shouldn't,

703
00:44:08.300 --> 00:44:10.820
if we really do say something that isn't kind

704
00:44:10.820 --> 00:44:13.960
or we get triggered and we react

705
00:44:13.960 --> 00:44:16.040
and treat someone in a way that's not healthy,

706
00:44:16.040 --> 00:44:16.880
that's different.

707
00:44:16.880 --> 00:44:18.200
Right now I'm just talking about

708
00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:20.240
basic conversations with people.

709
00:44:21.320 --> 00:44:22.960
We don't need to chase people down

710
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:25.480
and try to convince them to love us.

711
00:44:25.480 --> 00:44:27.520
That's what I did for six years, you all.

712
00:44:28.560 --> 00:44:31.520
It's not worth it to do that.

713
00:44:31.520 --> 00:44:34.580
All right, on the date, here's a couple ways.

714
00:44:35.480 --> 00:44:39.060
It's the moment that they say something slightly off

715
00:44:39.080 --> 00:44:41.000
and you feel the reframing.

716
00:44:41.000 --> 00:44:44.240
Oh, I'm having some people coming in unmuted, I think.

717
00:44:44.240 --> 00:44:48.400
You in the moment start to hear that reframing starting.

718
00:44:49.360 --> 00:44:51.080
They've just been hurt.

719
00:44:54.600 --> 00:44:58.640
Some of you all are excusing bad behavior

720
00:44:58.640 --> 00:45:00.440
and yeah, maybe they have been hurt.

721
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.600
hurt. We've all been hurt. But we don't need to excuse bad behavior. Now, I'm not saying

722
00:45:06.600 --> 00:45:10.480
get out there. Now, I want to make sure you all don't go out on dates and on phones and

723
00:45:10.480 --> 00:45:15.200
you're just like super judgy and critical and really harsh. Like that's not what we're

724
00:45:15.200 --> 00:45:23.160
looking for. But I'm just saying like, when we're on a date, we don't need to excuse when

725
00:45:23.160 --> 00:45:29.960
we recognize bad behavior. So many of us push down our discernment and what we're recognizing

726
00:45:30.000 --> 00:45:34.440
because somewhere along our journey, people convinced us that we couldn't trust ourselves,

727
00:45:35.400 --> 00:45:40.840
including ourselves when we went against our own values in certain times. All right, I'm

728
00:45:40.840 --> 00:45:45.880
going to keep going. Here are a couple others. Oh, if you are on a date and you send some of

729
00:45:45.880 --> 00:45:50.800
that stuff coming up, where they say something and you're like, Oh, that that hurt my feelings

730
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:55.280
when they just said that or you kind of sense that was kind of off, you know, and I'm going

731
00:45:55.280 --> 00:45:59.320
to give you some examples of what I mean by that. But I want you to literally in that

732
00:45:59.320 --> 00:46:04.680
moment, pause and ask God to help you catch the reframe. So instead of being like, Oh,

733
00:46:04.680 --> 00:46:11.720
they've just been hurt. It's no big deal. I want you to pause and really ask the Lord,

734
00:46:12.200 --> 00:46:20.560
like help me to really know the truth here. All right, so here I'm going to call this one

735
00:46:20.560 --> 00:46:26.960
the resume pivot. That's what I'm calling it. So they mentioned something they're struggling

736
00:46:26.960 --> 00:46:35.520
with, and you feel yourself starting to list what you bring to the table to help them. What

737
00:46:35.560 --> 00:46:42.960
can you offer? And again, I'm not saying these are we don't I'm not saying don't be nice to

738
00:46:42.960 --> 00:46:53.040
people. But even some of you will pay for someone else's healing process. When they're

739
00:46:53.040 --> 00:47:04.200
not doing it for themselves. Why are we doing that? Let's pause and think about that. Are we

740
00:47:04.200 --> 00:47:09.920
trying to get them to the place that we need them to be that we want them to be so that we can be

741
00:47:09.920 --> 00:47:15.080
with them. But they're not really fully choosing it for themselves. Or maybe they don't even

742
00:47:15.080 --> 00:47:22.840
think they need it. Yeah, Paul, I think we are trying to feel valued. But we don't have to

743
00:47:22.840 --> 00:47:29.360
convince anyone of our value. If we believe we're valued, we can choose someone who's healthy, who

744
00:47:29.360 --> 00:47:37.160
actually already does value us. And they show up to the game ready to do things for themselves, and

745
00:47:37.160 --> 00:47:42.360
then with us. So send this you all saving your marriage before it starts that we do here in the

746
00:47:42.360 --> 00:47:49.280
community. You shouldn't have to convince your partner to do that kind of stuff with you. If

747
00:47:49.280 --> 00:47:52.920
they are truly marriage minded, and they really want to make sure you guys have a healthy

748
00:47:52.920 --> 00:47:58.560
foundation in your relationship. And whether it's with us or someone else, like that shouldn't be

749
00:47:58.560 --> 00:48:05.640
stuff you have to convince someone of. You're worth it. And your relationship is worth it. All

750
00:48:05.640 --> 00:48:11.880
right, I'm going to keep going. So in this resume thing, what happens is the provider, the kind of

751
00:48:11.880 --> 00:48:16.760
what I was kind of explaining to you, the provider shows up mid sentence with all the things that

752
00:48:16.760 --> 00:48:23.040
they can bring to the table to help, you know, even sometimes in that person's job, or when I was

753
00:48:23.040 --> 00:48:28.200
dating the girl's dad, literally, while I was dating him, he made some really bad choices, you

754
00:48:28.200 --> 00:48:33.880
all lost his driver's license, couldn't get to work, which ended up meaning he lost his job. Do

755
00:48:33.880 --> 00:48:40.720
you want to know what my little fixer self did? Y'all want to guess? Go ahead, you can guess in

756
00:48:40.720 --> 00:48:50.800
the chat. I did several things. Yep, drove him to work, took the kids everywhere, stressed out all

757
00:48:50.800 --> 00:49:00.080
the time, helped pay the house payment, helped pay for groceries. Y'all, we weren't married. I'm not

758
00:49:00.080 --> 00:49:06.800
saying I couldn't be kind, people are going to go through things. But hindsight, I was just enabling

759
00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:13.680
that situation. I was enabling that to get worse and worse. And I was literally starting to spiral

760
00:49:13.680 --> 00:49:23.000
with them. So let's put our oxygen mask on ourselves. We can love people, but we need to have

761
00:49:23.000 --> 00:49:29.200
healthy boundaries. If they don't want to be healthy themselves, that's not the best choice for

762
00:49:29.200 --> 00:49:35.680
you. All right, I'm going to keep going. The over laugh. I love this one. This is on a date. They say

763
00:49:35.680 --> 00:49:43.400
something borderline. It's actually a job. Maybe it's a boundary push disguised as a joke. And you

764
00:49:43.400 --> 00:49:52.480
laugh. Trying to just keep it light and act like it didn't really bother you. That's the peacekeeper

765
00:49:52.480 --> 00:49:59.640
showing up smoothing out the tension before you even registered that there was any tension.

766
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:08.800
Number three, in the silence after they pull away, here's a couple examples.

767
00:50:08.800 --> 00:50:14.060
This is often where the counterfeit tends to be the loudest.

768
00:50:14.060 --> 00:50:17.440
Many of us, most of us, we're created for community.

769
00:50:17.440 --> 00:50:21.520
We're created for relationships, and when we feel people intentionally pulling away

770
00:50:21.520 --> 00:50:24.640
from us, we have all kinds of feels.

771
00:50:24.640 --> 00:50:26.240
I can tell you what mine feel like.

772
00:50:26.240 --> 00:50:27.960
Yours might feel different.

773
00:50:27.960 --> 00:50:32.440
But I instantly feel something like in myself.

774
00:50:32.440 --> 00:50:33.480
I feel sadness.

775
00:50:33.480 --> 00:50:35.560
I can feel tension.

776
00:50:35.560 --> 00:50:37.600
I'm a big feeler, discerner, empath.

777
00:50:37.600 --> 00:50:40.700
So I feel a lot of people's stuff.

778
00:50:40.700 --> 00:50:43.280
Sometimes I wish I didn't.

779
00:50:43.280 --> 00:50:45.300
So maybe the person goes cold.

780
00:50:45.300 --> 00:50:50.320
You were having a really warm conversation, and you're like, oh, this guy, this is fun.

781
00:50:50.320 --> 00:50:54.200
This is a great conversation, or the guys to the ladies, same kind of thing.

782
00:50:54.200 --> 00:50:56.880
And then they're gone.

783
00:50:56.880 --> 00:50:58.520
They just quit responding.

784
00:50:58.520 --> 00:51:00.120
And we're sitting there like, what?

785
00:51:00.120 --> 00:51:01.120
What's going on?

786
00:51:01.120 --> 00:51:03.360
So that's what I'm calling they go cold.

787
00:51:03.360 --> 00:51:09.020
And the achiever, remember, the achiever tends to have the wound of love has to be earned.

788
00:51:09.020 --> 00:51:13.440
And so they tend to be with people who make them prove it.

789
00:51:13.440 --> 00:51:18.160
So the achiever will go to work trying to prove it, trying to earn them back, trying

790
00:51:18.160 --> 00:51:23.160
to say the right thing to reengage them in that conversation, trying to catch the next

791
00:51:23.160 --> 00:51:27.560
surge of electricity, maybe with that person.

792
00:51:27.560 --> 00:51:30.500
The urge is to chase.

793
00:51:30.500 --> 00:51:34.960
That's what's happening there.

794
00:51:34.960 --> 00:51:38.820
I want you to know what peace would do.

795
00:51:38.820 --> 00:51:41.760
Peace would let the silence be information.

796
00:51:41.760 --> 00:51:47.180
I want you to think about that.

797
00:51:47.180 --> 00:51:50.960
Peace would let the silence be information to you.

798
00:51:50.960 --> 00:51:54.840
It doesn't mean you have to cut them off completely unless they've done this repetitively.

799
00:51:54.840 --> 00:51:58.000
And this is a cycle or pattern.

800
00:51:58.000 --> 00:52:03.460
But if that path goes silent, let's ladies and gentlemen, let's not try to convince again

801
00:52:03.460 --> 00:52:06.300
someone to be in relationship with us.

802
00:52:06.300 --> 00:52:09.680
You all are great people.

803
00:52:09.680 --> 00:52:11.740
You're great people.

804
00:52:11.740 --> 00:52:18.320
And as soon as you realize, not in a proud way, but like, I'm pretty, I'm pretty great.

805
00:52:18.320 --> 00:52:24.360
And I've told you all before, when we believe internally, I am a bride or I am a groom.

806
00:52:24.360 --> 00:52:29.160
And when I continue to get healthy, I believe I will be drawn to my spirit mate and my spirit

807
00:52:29.160 --> 00:52:30.740
mate will be drawn to me.

808
00:52:30.740 --> 00:52:36.000
When we lean into that, not just like we say it, but man, when we feel it, when we actually

809
00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:41.440
believe that a lot of these things will not have a hold on us like they did before.

810
00:52:41.440 --> 00:52:45.600
I'm going to keep going.

811
00:52:45.600 --> 00:52:48.160
This is still in the silence, them pulling away.

812
00:52:49.000 --> 00:52:50.000
Here's the evidence build.

813
00:52:50.000 --> 00:52:56.440
They go quiet and you start assembling the case for why it's fine.

814
00:52:56.440 --> 00:52:59.400
Anyone ever done that?

815
00:52:59.400 --> 00:53:03.240
They said they were busy this week.

816
00:53:03.240 --> 00:53:04.240
Here's the thing.

817
00:53:04.240 --> 00:53:06.760
We're not just remembering in that moment.

818
00:53:06.760 --> 00:53:10.320
We're defending their behavior.

819
00:53:10.320 --> 00:53:16.320
And yes, again, sometimes that is the case, but here's the reality.

820
00:53:16.320 --> 00:53:20.720
Maybe they need to make more capacity in their life to actually date.

821
00:53:20.720 --> 00:53:23.760
And maybe that's the case for some of you.

822
00:53:23.760 --> 00:53:25.360
Okay.

823
00:53:25.360 --> 00:53:29.840
The reframe is running without you.

824
00:53:29.840 --> 00:53:32.200
Yeah.

825
00:53:32.200 --> 00:53:34.200
The next one is the audition text.

826
00:53:34.200 --> 00:53:35.200
Okay.

827
00:53:35.200 --> 00:53:38.600
So you're texting with them, they go silent, and then you should kind of shift into this

828
00:53:38.600 --> 00:53:41.000
whole what I'm calling the audition.

829
00:53:41.000 --> 00:53:47.000
You send them something extra warm, extra funny, and extra low maintenance.

830
00:53:47.000 --> 00:53:51.000
That version of you that is, or the version of you that is the easiest for them to come

831
00:53:51.000 --> 00:53:52.360
back to.

832
00:53:52.360 --> 00:53:57.880
You're trying to audition to see which version of myself will they come back and re-engage

833
00:53:57.880 --> 00:53:59.280
with.

834
00:53:59.280 --> 00:54:03.240
That's the counterfeit that I'm calling, you know, the person that's auditioning for the

835
00:54:03.240 --> 00:54:09.320
role of I'm a person worth returning to.

836
00:54:09.320 --> 00:54:16.440
Again, I just think we have to shift to, we're in a season, ladies and gentlemen, we have

837
00:54:16.440 --> 00:54:24.000
to shift out of trying to convince people that we're worth it.

838
00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:25.600
This is your year.

839
00:54:25.600 --> 00:54:29.480
I know we're halfway or more than halfway through this year, 2026.

840
00:54:29.480 --> 00:54:35.960
I'm talking about from now in the next 12 months, this is your year to be more fully

841
00:54:35.960 --> 00:54:41.160
engaged in your life in every area, not just dating and relationship, but what is the area

842
00:54:41.160 --> 00:54:43.800
God is trying to grow you in?

843
00:54:43.800 --> 00:54:47.560
What kind of relationships is He trying to teach you how to, I know some of you like

844
00:54:47.560 --> 00:54:49.000
have reconnected with family.

845
00:54:49.000 --> 00:54:54.320
Some of you, family you didn't even know you had, you know, just like maybe that's really

846
00:54:54.320 --> 00:54:55.780
important in this season.

847
00:54:55.780 --> 00:54:59.860
And then when you get that kind of worked out, maybe you'll even be more confident as

848
00:54:59.860 --> 00:55:00.020
you.

849
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.700
Go back into dating, you know, that we really honor ourselves in the process.

850
00:55:03.700 --> 00:55:05.900
Okay, here is another question.

851
00:55:05.900 --> 00:55:07.300
I want to engage you guys in the chat again.

852
00:55:07.300 --> 00:55:09.400
I got to keep engaging you so you stay with me.

853
00:55:09.900 --> 00:55:10.400
All right.

854
00:55:11.000 --> 00:55:12.900
I want you to finish the sentence for me.

855
00:55:13.600 --> 00:55:16.100
The last time I caught myself mid-pattern.

856
00:55:16.100 --> 00:55:19.200
So mid, you're like starting to go into that counterfeit.

857
00:55:19.700 --> 00:55:21.700
I was doing blank.

858
00:55:23.000 --> 00:55:25.100
And I felt blank.

859
00:55:25.700 --> 00:55:29.200
So when you saw or felt that counterfeit show up.

860
00:55:30.700 --> 00:55:31.600
What were you doing?

861
00:55:31.600 --> 00:55:32.700
And what were you feeling?

862
00:55:33.500 --> 00:55:35.900
Go ahead and put that in the chat as it starts to come to you.

863
00:55:36.200 --> 00:55:37.100
Couple more points.

864
00:55:37.100 --> 00:55:40.100
I'm going to teach on as you all start to put that in the chat.

865
00:55:42.200 --> 00:55:47.000
So as you are on dates or you're in text messages going forward.

866
00:55:47.000 --> 00:55:50.300
I want you to really just honor yourself in the moment.

867
00:55:50.900 --> 00:55:51.900
Slow down.

868
00:55:52.300 --> 00:55:53.300
Catch yourself.

869
00:55:53.300 --> 00:55:55.500
Pray before you respond to people.

870
00:55:55.500 --> 00:55:57.100
Pray before you go on dates.

871
00:55:57.600 --> 00:55:59.200
And don't just pray to have a good time.

872
00:55:59.200 --> 00:56:03.600
Pray for that too, but pray that the Lord through the Holy Spirit

873
00:56:03.600 --> 00:56:08.300
will give you discernment to recognize when you're trying.

874
00:56:08.300 --> 00:56:12.100
Like when are you showing up as your whole healthy self?

875
00:56:13.100 --> 00:56:15.900
And when are you showing up with your counterfeit identities

876
00:56:15.900 --> 00:56:17.300
taking the front row seat?

877
00:56:19.900 --> 00:56:21.700
And again, this isn't to be hard on ourselves.

878
00:56:21.700 --> 00:56:24.500
It's just to recognize areas where the Lord is calling us

879
00:56:24.500 --> 00:56:25.700
further into healing.

880
00:56:26.900 --> 00:56:28.200
All right, a couple put in there.

881
00:56:28.200 --> 00:56:29.700
Insecure and alone.

882
00:56:29.700 --> 00:56:31.800
I was lost in my thoughts and felt anxious.

883
00:56:31.800 --> 00:56:32.300
Yeah.

884
00:56:32.800 --> 00:56:35.700
Try to fix relationship and making excuses.

885
00:56:41.800 --> 00:56:44.600
Allison said it's happening right now as I have a family reunion this

886
00:56:44.600 --> 00:56:45.300
weekend.

887
00:56:45.400 --> 00:56:49.300
Extreme anxiety all week and then I felt a touch of God while reading

888
00:56:49.300 --> 00:56:51.500
my last year single notes and I'm feeling better now.

889
00:56:51.500 --> 00:56:52.800
I'm so glad Allison.

890
00:56:53.300 --> 00:56:54.200
God loves you.

891
00:56:54.300 --> 00:56:58.500
I want you to picture like the Lord just hanging out with you all

892
00:56:58.500 --> 00:56:58.900
weekend.

893
00:56:58.900 --> 00:57:02.000
Just like right like, you know, the Bible says that Jesus sticks

894
00:57:02.000 --> 00:57:03.400
closer to us than a brother.

895
00:57:04.500 --> 00:57:05.300
He's with you.

896
00:57:06.300 --> 00:57:08.500
Nor said I was trying to explain myself.

897
00:57:09.900 --> 00:57:15.000
Yeah, so I want us to like think about when we're doing these things

898
00:57:15.400 --> 00:57:17.700
and remember we're going to pause and ask ourselves.

899
00:57:18.500 --> 00:57:22.900
Why am I over explaining right now or why am I trying to fix this

900
00:57:22.900 --> 00:57:26.200
relationship and make excuses for this person because when we pause

901
00:57:26.200 --> 00:57:30.000
and just ask ourselves that that's when we can really check in with

902
00:57:30.000 --> 00:57:33.600
ourselves and get honest with our looks like what's really going on

903
00:57:33.600 --> 00:57:37.300
and then remember that's going to signal to you areas that you might

904
00:57:37.300 --> 00:57:38.500
need to still have some healing.

905
00:57:38.700 --> 00:57:41.400
Tamika said try to keep the conversation going to prove I was

906
00:57:41.400 --> 00:57:43.100
worth the person's time.

907
00:57:43.100 --> 00:57:47.500
Yeah, and again, sometimes people do just they have a busy life or

908
00:57:47.500 --> 00:57:52.600
whatever, but you know, even as you know, I think back when Brian

909
00:57:52.600 --> 00:57:54.900
and I were dating we were four and a half hours apart.

910
00:57:55.000 --> 00:57:56.800
I was working a full-time job.

911
00:57:56.800 --> 00:58:00.000
I was coaching for Jackie part-time and I was working for a church

912
00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:00.500
part-time.

913
00:58:00.700 --> 00:58:03.100
So I basically had two full-time jobs.

914
00:58:04.400 --> 00:58:06.700
And he was pastoring two churches.

915
00:58:08.500 --> 00:58:10.700
Y'all we made plenty of time for dating.

916
00:58:11.700 --> 00:58:15.000
So if there's people that tell you that they just can't because

917
00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:18.300
they're too busy you can bless them even if they're a really nice

918
00:58:18.300 --> 00:58:20.000
person and just move on.

919
00:58:20.700 --> 00:58:22.200
You know what?

920
00:58:22.200 --> 00:58:25.300
I just totally took that version and paraphrase it Megan.

921
00:58:25.300 --> 00:58:29.100
I literally just kind of made my own kind of thing out of that.

922
00:58:29.100 --> 00:58:33.700
So but it's connecting to that Isaiah 43 is where I got the idea.

923
00:58:35.700 --> 00:58:39.000
Okay, so a couple more things the counterfeit remember runs on

924
00:58:39.000 --> 00:58:42.600
autopilot because again, that's your neural pathways.

925
00:58:42.600 --> 00:58:44.400
They kind of are used to that.

926
00:58:44.400 --> 00:58:49.200
And so the second when we pause and we make it like into a conscious

927
00:58:49.200 --> 00:58:52.600
moment what's happening is your counterfeit is going to lose its

928
00:58:52.600 --> 00:58:57.300
grip a little bit more and then naming what we're actually facing

929
00:58:57.300 --> 00:59:00.500
is going to be even better because it's going to pull you out of

930
00:59:00.500 --> 00:59:05.100
that and then you can start to choose to shift into the other

931
00:59:05.100 --> 00:59:09.600
things the healthier response not trying to chase after somebody

932
00:59:09.600 --> 00:59:12.700
not trying to convince somebody to date you or in that moment.

933
00:59:12.700 --> 00:59:14.900
You don't have to be rude to the person that they say something

934
00:59:14.900 --> 00:59:18.500
that's a jab or they're trying to joke but you you could just say

935
00:59:18.500 --> 00:59:22.100
hey, you know, it seemed like you were trying to joke that that hurt

936
00:59:22.100 --> 00:59:23.000
my feelings a little bit.

937
00:59:25.800 --> 00:59:30.100
I had a guy on a date try to like he was trying to make me feel bad

938
00:59:30.100 --> 00:59:32.100
because I didn't eat all my food on the plate.

939
00:59:33.100 --> 00:59:35.100
And here's the thing as a kid.

940
00:59:35.100 --> 00:59:38.000
I was always forced to eat everything on my plate and it didn't teach

941
00:59:38.000 --> 00:59:39.100
me good habits.

942
00:59:39.100 --> 00:59:43.200
And so when that guy did that I wasn't rude to him, but I was just

943
00:59:43.200 --> 00:59:46.400
like no, I'm I wasn't trying to waste his money you all I'm not a

944
00:59:46.500 --> 00:59:47.100
person.

945
00:59:47.100 --> 00:59:50.900
I just was full and I was on a date and I was starting to feel

946
00:59:50.900 --> 00:59:54.900
uncomfortable in my fullness like my stomach was full and I just

947
00:59:54.900 --> 00:59:55.700
was like, okay, I'm done.

948
00:59:55.700 --> 00:59:56.900
I like I don't want to eat anymore.

949
00:59:56.900 --> 00:59:59.900
And so when he asked me that I was just like no like I

950
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.000
I'm not going to eat anymore." And he kind of got a little huffy and I was like,

951
01:00:04.000 --> 01:00:09.600
if you want it, you can eat it. And he ate what was on my plate, which that's fine. But on a

952
01:00:09.600 --> 01:00:13.680
first date, I was kind of like, or maybe it was second date, second date with that guy.

953
01:00:13.680 --> 01:00:20.720
It still was a little awkward, right? And in the past, I would have apologized for that.

954
01:00:22.480 --> 01:00:27.520
I would have apologized for not eating all of my food. I would have apologized for the tension I

955
01:00:27.520 --> 01:00:32.880
felt in that moment. But y'all, I didn't. I just sat there and I was like looking around the

956
01:00:32.880 --> 01:00:39.440
restaurant and I was enjoying what was happening. It felt uncomfortable in me. The peacemaker was

957
01:00:39.440 --> 01:00:46.880
telling me, you need to make him feel better. But that wasn't my job. It wasn't my job to make him

958
01:00:46.880 --> 01:00:52.880
feel better. I'm not a rude person. I wasn't being rude to him. No, I didn't. It was Mexican,

959
01:00:52.880 --> 01:00:58.080
so no doggy bags for Mexican ever for me. I don't like take-home Mexican. Anyways, okay,

960
01:00:58.080 --> 01:01:03.440
going back. So a couple more things. So resisting our typical response and going in the opposite

961
01:01:03.440 --> 01:01:08.640
direction. That's how we're going to start to build these new neural pathways. So here again

962
01:01:08.640 --> 01:01:12.480
is another question for you. Again, I'm trying to give you guys a couple things that you can

963
01:01:12.560 --> 01:01:13.840
remember to ask yourself.

964
01:01:18.640 --> 01:01:24.560
Phone in hand or you're at a date. You're across the table and something's happening.

965
01:01:25.200 --> 01:01:31.920
Which version of me does this person need me to be? And do I want to be him or her?

966
01:01:34.240 --> 01:01:39.760
So what I mean by that is if this person that's in this text message with you or is across the

967
01:01:39.760 --> 01:01:46.560
table is asking you, y'all this happened to me. So what kind of lingerie do you like to wear at

968
01:01:46.560 --> 01:01:53.120
night? What sir? What? We're in our first, we're engaging in first initial text messages here. And

969
01:01:53.120 --> 01:01:58.000
this is one of the things you're asking me. And I politely said, you know, those aren't the kind

970
01:01:58.000 --> 01:02:02.080
of things that I'm going to talk about with someone I've just met. And I, you know, kind of

971
01:02:02.080 --> 01:02:07.120
set that boundary lightly. That same guy continued to come back on different occasions, kind of

972
01:02:07.120 --> 01:02:12.240
trying to get back to that place. Well, y'all, that was information. I didn't have to get all

973
01:02:12.240 --> 01:02:17.040
mad and bent out of shape with him, but he was giving me information that was very helpful for

974
01:02:17.040 --> 01:02:21.840
me. And he was not someone that I was going to continue dating. And that became very clear in

975
01:02:21.840 --> 01:02:27.920
the dating process. And so I could have cut that off right there, but I was still trying to collect

976
01:02:27.920 --> 01:02:34.000
information. I was still trying to practice. And in the past, I had never dated multiple people.

977
01:02:34.000 --> 01:02:39.840
So it was all brand new for me. And I was trying to like really embrace the process. And so I'm

978
01:02:39.840 --> 01:02:45.040
glad that I went on those dates and had those experiences. And I hope that you all will feel

979
01:02:45.040 --> 01:02:49.440
that way too, from the experience that you're gaining. So remember, which version of me does

980
01:02:49.440 --> 01:02:55.680
this person need me to be? What, who are they asking me to be? And is it who I really want to be?

981
01:02:56.640 --> 01:03:00.000
Okay. Is it who I really want to be?

982
01:03:03.600 --> 01:03:08.400
So what are, what are you hearing when you guys are sitting, even tonight, as you're hearing some

983
01:03:08.400 --> 01:03:13.440
of these things, like thinking about times where you've shifted into versions of yourself that you

984
01:03:13.440 --> 01:03:18.560
really didn't want to be. Go ahead and like one or two words that come up in your spirit. Like,

985
01:03:18.560 --> 01:03:21.120
how are you feeling? And then we're going to go into the heartwork seat.

986
01:03:21.680 --> 01:03:24.720
And it still took me longer than I planned. So we got, we'll make it like,

987
01:03:24.720 --> 01:03:27.840
we'll make it 45 minutes still, depending on how many people want to go tonight.

988
01:03:29.360 --> 01:03:34.000
All right. As you put those in the chat, people that want to get in the heartwork seat,

989
01:03:34.000 --> 01:03:38.160
if you've never been on one of these with me, it is easier when you raise your digital hand,

990
01:03:38.160 --> 01:03:42.240
if you can do that, because then I can just start to call on people. And then I have to make,

991
01:03:42.240 --> 01:03:45.120
then I can make sure people don't like accidentally cut each other off.

992
01:03:45.120 --> 01:03:49.840
As you're doing that. And remember, we can talk about counterfeit identities. We can talk about

993
01:03:49.840 --> 01:03:54.320
how this stuff is showing up in your life. We can talk about, you know, what's happening in

994
01:03:54.320 --> 01:03:59.360
certain relationships that are family, that are romantic, you know, whatever it is that we need

995
01:03:59.360 --> 01:04:05.680
to talk about to help you guys take some steps forward. All right, Shauna, or did I say right,

996
01:04:06.080 --> 01:04:13.600
All right, Shauna, or did I say right, Shana? It's been a while. Oh my gosh.

997
01:04:15.040 --> 01:04:16.800
Shana, that's fine. That's right.

998
01:04:18.800 --> 01:04:23.440
You're good. You're good. I, I, I don't even know what to, I haven't been on a date in probably over

999
01:04:23.440 --> 01:04:29.120
a year. I don't even want to deal with it. I hate to say, but you're taking steps forward

1000
01:04:29.120 --> 01:04:36.080
in some other big things. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to school. I'm looking at going to school

1001
01:04:36.080 --> 01:04:42.400
and looking at relocating, but I haven't yet, but I'm, I'm, I am taking tips though. Yes. My son

1002
01:04:42.400 --> 01:04:46.480
actually moved out. He's been with me for a year and a half, so I'm glad it's nice to be alone,

1003
01:04:46.480 --> 01:04:50.240
but I do have a lot of time alone now. Then that's why I was trying to jump back in the

1004
01:04:50.240 --> 01:04:55.760
class and get, get some more help. So I can, I will be ready when, when the time comes.

1005
01:04:55.760 --> 01:04:59.840
Yeah. And this is a huge, these are huge steps for you. I mean, from the first.

1006
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.560
time we started coaching with you, um, the things that you're looking into,

1007
01:05:03.560 --> 01:05:08.120
the fact that you're even looking into them is a win. And so how can I help

1008
01:05:08.120 --> 01:05:11.360
you tonight? Is there anything in particular that you want to be coached

1009
01:05:11.360 --> 01:05:11.760
on?

1010
01:05:14.040 --> 01:05:15.760
I think I'm all of those that you said.

1011
01:05:17.240 --> 01:05:22.340
That's okay. I come out and like, like I said, you have to go. Um, you're

1012
01:05:22.340 --> 01:05:25.560
helping people. You got to be the peacekeeper because, like I said, my

1013
01:05:25.560 --> 01:05:31.360
job. Um, and then of course, just being in that way in life. Um, and then, um,

1014
01:05:31.840 --> 01:05:36.480
well, I'm actually on camera talking to you that the Lord has been really doing

1015
01:05:36.480 --> 01:05:41.640
some things anyway. Uh, just having anxiety, just getting back, even on the,

1016
01:05:42.080 --> 01:05:45.200
I don't even, I don't even want to get on the apps. I'm sorry. I'm just being

1017
01:05:45.200 --> 01:05:45.480
honest.

1018
01:05:45.480 --> 01:05:46.600
You don't have to apologize.

1019
01:05:47.040 --> 01:05:47.320
Yeah.

1020
01:05:50.760 --> 01:05:55.600
Hey, remember everybody, like you don't want to work something like a job

1021
01:05:55.600 --> 01:06:00.240
because you're going to go into it like that. Um, someone that I was working

1022
01:06:00.240 --> 01:06:04.960
with the other day, um, had some, some people I've been coaching directly

1023
01:06:05.000 --> 01:06:10.320
recently. And, um, one of the questions I asked them was to really think about

1024
01:06:10.960 --> 01:06:17.680
how they were showing up as they would go into the dating experiences. And,

1025
01:06:17.920 --> 01:06:21.360
um, basically kind of what you were just saying, like they didn't even really

1026
01:06:21.360 --> 01:06:24.320
want to, they didn't even really want to go on the dates. And so I kind of got

1027
01:06:24.320 --> 01:06:29.320
to the root of like, why, which I know for you kind of some of the dynamics

1028
01:06:29.320 --> 01:06:33.320
you've been walking through. So I know enough of your background. Um, but what

1029
01:06:33.320 --> 01:06:37.360
I would say to you is I would say, like, continue to lean into some of the

1030
01:06:37.360 --> 01:06:42.160
things that you're doing to like, feel good about yourself, to better your

1031
01:06:42.160 --> 01:06:47.560
life and embrace that season. And just kind of let the pressure off as far as

1032
01:06:47.560 --> 01:06:50.960
like, I have to do it a certain way. I have to do it a certain amount of time.

1033
01:06:50.960 --> 01:06:54.080
I have to be on the apps this time or, you know, where you just really follow

1034
01:06:54.080 --> 01:06:58.480
the Holy spirit. If the Holy spirit is leading you to get on the app, then I

1035
01:06:58.480 --> 01:07:02.160
feel like he would give you fresh grace to be on the app. And so if it feels

1036
01:07:02.160 --> 01:07:05.400
kind of like, I don't even want to be on here. Well, the guys are going to feel

1037
01:07:05.400 --> 01:07:11.200
that coming from you. Just, just letting you know. Um, and so it's a distance

1038
01:07:11.200 --> 01:07:15.840
thing because I'm so far, like, there's not very many people anywhere around.

1039
01:07:16.040 --> 01:07:23.080
So yeah, turns into a, yes, I'm in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Well, and

1040
01:07:23.080 --> 01:07:27.240
again, like this is where, and I know like you're really spread out where

1041
01:07:27.240 --> 01:07:30.800
you're at too, which makes it tough because you know, drive into something

1042
01:07:30.800 --> 01:07:35.360
to go meet other people, you got to drive kind of farther. But I think just

1043
01:07:35.360 --> 01:07:39.920
really, you know, again, giving it some time you're working on considering

1044
01:07:39.920 --> 01:07:44.080
going back to school and relocating at some point. Um, if you want to get on

1045
01:07:44.080 --> 01:07:50.120
the apps when it feels fun, then do that. But maybe plan, um, I would

1046
01:07:50.120 --> 01:07:53.560
encourage you to even consider planning like a trip to go with a friend

1047
01:07:53.560 --> 01:07:59.160
somewhere to just plan something fun for yourself to invest in, in that.

1048
01:07:59.160 --> 01:08:03.040
And who knows, like some people literally meet their spirit mate when

1049
01:08:03.040 --> 01:08:06.160
they're off on a vacation somewhere. I'm not saying that that will for sure

1050
01:08:06.160 --> 01:08:10.760
happen for you, but you know, where we just, we live our lives and we have fun.

1051
01:08:11.000 --> 01:08:15.000
And then we trust God to work in the process and bring us together with our

1052
01:08:15.000 --> 01:08:21.720
spirit mate. But part of that is us living fully us. And then our other, our

1053
01:08:21.720 --> 01:08:25.479
spirit mate, them fully living. And again, then we look over and hopefully

1054
01:08:25.479 --> 01:08:29.359
they're running and we're running and then we see each other in a sense. And

1055
01:08:29.359 --> 01:08:34.479
so, yeah, just keep, keep looking into what you're doing. Um, and that

1056
01:08:34.479 --> 01:08:38.880
relocation, the school, and then planning something fun, even if it's a

1057
01:08:38.880 --> 01:08:42.000
little mini trip or something, it doesn't have to be a long thing, but

1058
01:08:42.000 --> 01:08:45.279
where you go and do something somewhere that you haven't been and that you

1059
01:08:45.279 --> 01:08:49.200
would really love to go see where you have something to look forward to.

1060
01:08:50.279 --> 01:08:52.000
You're right. Thank you. I appreciate it very much.

1061
01:08:52.279 --> 01:08:55.080
Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. It was good to hear from you tonight.

1062
01:08:55.520 --> 01:08:56.560
Thank you. Bye bye.

1063
01:08:56.840 --> 01:08:58.479
Bye Anya. Go ahead.

1064
01:09:00.359 --> 01:09:05.560
Hey, um, so I'm sure it probably relates to one of these counterfeit

1065
01:09:05.560 --> 01:09:09.240
identities somewhere, but just some stuff that I've been kind of, um,

1066
01:09:10.040 --> 01:09:16.600
working through and recognizing is, um, I have this, like, I feel like I've

1067
01:09:16.600 --> 01:09:20.399
been just struggling in my walk with the Lord in that I, I know he's with me.

1068
01:09:20.399 --> 01:09:24.040
Like I don't ever, it's not just that I don't ever doubt, but like, I always

1069
01:09:24.520 --> 01:09:26.800
feel him with me, like beside me.

1070
01:09:27.319 --> 01:09:34.120
Um, but not like with me it's, um, I've been kind of unpacking this with my

1071
01:09:34.120 --> 01:09:39.359
counselor, but just seeing these patterns of where, where I've felt maybe

1072
01:09:39.359 --> 01:09:44.200
abandoned or alone over parts of my life, even when a person is physically

1073
01:09:44.200 --> 01:09:51.880
there, um, and it's this sense of like, I have to show up a certain way.

1074
01:09:51.880 --> 01:09:55.800
And if I'm not that way, then I don't, or I can't.

1075
01:09:56.400 --> 01:10:00.040
Um, and I would say specifically it's with different emotions.

1076
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.460
So, like, if I'm doing well, great, no problem.

1077
01:10:04.460 --> 01:10:06.280
I will gladly get in the Word.

1078
01:10:06.280 --> 01:10:07.280
I will sit and pray.

1079
01:10:07.280 --> 01:10:13.480
I will, you know, all the things, the ways that I would connect, but if I feel like I'm

1080
01:10:13.480 --> 01:10:20.320
not or if I'm, whatever, if it's sad or if I'm overwhelmed or stressed or especially

1081
01:10:20.320 --> 01:10:27.600
in this last season with transition from a longtime ministry position into only one job,

1082
01:10:27.600 --> 01:10:34.680
which I'm grateful for, just this, like, it's like I just, I just choose to distract.

1083
01:10:34.680 --> 01:10:37.600
I choose to numb.

1084
01:10:37.600 --> 01:10:43.600
I'm like, miss the vibrant feeling that I've had in the past, but it's, I don't know.

1085
01:10:43.600 --> 01:10:49.960
I feel like this block, I think the one that came up even as you were sharing them again

1086
01:10:49.960 --> 01:10:56.600
and maybe what I kind of see in here is this, like, I'm not allowed to have needs.

1087
01:10:56.600 --> 01:10:57.600
So yeah, I don't know.

1088
01:10:57.600 --> 01:11:05.560
I'm just trying to, trying to navigate it because I don't want to stay stuck, even though

1089
01:11:05.560 --> 01:11:10.960
like it feels hard or like I don't really want to get, like, do the work to get out

1090
01:11:10.960 --> 01:11:11.960
of it.

1091
01:11:11.960 --> 01:11:12.960
But I'm like, but I do.

1092
01:11:12.960 --> 01:11:16.000
I just don't feel like I, I don't know, have capacity or whatever.

1093
01:11:16.000 --> 01:11:19.000
It's like, I just, just feel stuck anyways.

1094
01:11:19.000 --> 01:11:22.360
This kind of seems to be the thing that keeps coming up, so.

1095
01:11:22.360 --> 01:11:28.760
Are you grieving, even though you're thankful for your new job, are you grieving that transition?

1096
01:11:28.760 --> 01:11:30.640
Do you think so?

1097
01:11:30.640 --> 01:11:31.640
When did you make that change?

1098
01:11:31.640 --> 01:11:36.760
Well, I mean, probably I just had my last day in the office last week, so I'm like tying

1099
01:11:36.760 --> 01:11:39.700
up loose ends right now.

1100
01:11:39.700 --> 01:11:42.040
So that's like on that side of things.

1101
01:11:42.040 --> 01:11:48.000
And then with my other job at the church, which is what I'm transitioning more into,

1102
01:11:48.000 --> 01:11:55.160
but I've been there for 10 months now, there's just been like, not, well, maybe kind of uncertainty.

1103
01:11:55.160 --> 01:11:58.720
Like for those ladies who've been on prayer calls, they know like my pastor has been dealing

1104
01:11:58.720 --> 01:12:02.240
with cancer and had another instance come up.

1105
01:12:02.240 --> 01:12:08.440
And so he's not been there and he really was, I mean, the whole team is very, like they

1106
01:12:08.440 --> 01:12:10.600
knew that it was, I was supposed to come on staff.

1107
01:12:10.600 --> 01:12:11.600
Like they're all amazing.

1108
01:12:11.600 --> 01:12:14.680
But like, he really was like the advocate.

1109
01:12:14.680 --> 01:12:18.840
He was the one who first put the seed in my mind and like kind of has been walking

1110
01:12:18.840 --> 01:12:19.840
through the process.

1111
01:12:19.840 --> 01:12:26.920
So I think it's been both and at the same time that kind of feels like it's probably

1112
01:12:26.920 --> 01:12:28.680
triggering some of this.

1113
01:12:28.680 --> 01:12:29.680
Yeah.

1114
01:12:29.680 --> 01:12:35.480
So would you say, and it's okay if not, but I just wrote this down.

1115
01:12:35.480 --> 01:12:42.920
Do you feel like, are you hearing any lies that are saying this isn't what I expected?

1116
01:12:42.920 --> 01:12:43.920
Yeah.

1117
01:12:43.920 --> 01:12:44.920
Yeah.

1118
01:12:44.920 --> 01:12:47.520
I think definitely.

1119
01:12:47.520 --> 01:12:48.600
Okay.

1120
01:12:48.600 --> 01:12:52.240
So because you're saying, you know, even though you're looking forward to this new role, you're

1121
01:12:52.240 --> 01:12:56.200
saying, okay, but then, you know, the pastor who planted the seed for me to do this now

1122
01:12:56.200 --> 01:12:57.680
he's sick.

1123
01:12:57.680 --> 01:13:03.360
And so I'm just sensing just coming from you, like just that there's a lot of, like you

1124
01:13:03.360 --> 01:13:06.840
said it uncertainty, which can cause numbing behavior.

1125
01:13:06.840 --> 01:13:09.320
So, and so can grieving a transition.

1126
01:13:09.320 --> 01:13:12.800
And you literally just transitioned last week and you've been, I mean, you were in that

1127
01:13:12.800 --> 01:13:15.080
other job a long time, right?

1128
01:13:15.080 --> 01:13:16.320
13 years.

1129
01:13:16.320 --> 01:13:17.320
Yeah.

1130
01:13:17.320 --> 01:13:22.760
So I want you to think of this as a recalibration season a little bit.

1131
01:13:22.760 --> 01:13:23.760
Okay.

1132
01:13:23.760 --> 01:13:25.120
And it doesn't have to be a long season.

1133
01:13:25.120 --> 01:13:26.120
Okay.

1134
01:13:26.120 --> 01:13:30.760
I don't feel like this is going to last forever, but the reason I say recalibration is, is

1135
01:13:30.960 --> 01:13:39.280
your whole being is trying to figure out how do I exist now in my new normal, if you will.

1136
01:13:39.280 --> 01:13:44.280
And then in the middle of that, you now have a pastor who planted a seed for you to do

1137
01:13:44.280 --> 01:13:45.280
this.

1138
01:13:45.280 --> 01:13:48.400
Who's pretty sick.

1139
01:13:48.400 --> 01:13:52.720
And so that can cause that to feel even a little more shaky.

1140
01:13:52.720 --> 01:13:57.660
And so I would go back to, cause you said, I'm not allowed to have needs too.

1141
01:13:57.660 --> 01:14:03.100
And then you also said specifically regarding emotions, you feel like you have to show up

1142
01:14:03.100 --> 01:14:05.160
in certain ways.

1143
01:14:05.160 --> 01:14:11.300
And so a lot of times when, when those kinds of things are showing up deep down, you know,

1144
01:14:11.300 --> 01:14:17.500
as you know, with the hard work, there's somewhere where we felt shaky before during a transition

1145
01:14:17.500 --> 01:14:20.060
or after a transition.

1146
01:14:20.060 --> 01:14:26.860
And so your subconscious is basically telling you, you need to be afraid right now.

1147
01:14:26.860 --> 01:14:31.660
And so even when you want to do other stuff, you're numbing sometimes just to kind of get

1148
01:14:31.660 --> 01:14:34.260
through this kind of transition.

1149
01:14:34.260 --> 01:14:37.500
And so it sounds like you're working with a counselor as well, which is really great

1150
01:14:37.500 --> 01:14:39.080
Anya.

1151
01:14:39.080 --> 01:14:43.700
But one of the things I'm going to encourage you to do tonight might be the fun night because

1152
01:14:43.700 --> 01:14:48.940
I'm going to give you an assignment and it's about doing some fun things too.

1153
01:14:48.940 --> 01:14:55.460
Because here's the thing, you need some consistency and something that you can look forward to

1154
01:14:55.540 --> 01:14:58.620
that you can trust, if you will.

1155
01:14:58.620 --> 01:15:00.020
While that transition is new.

1156
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.320
and some of that feels shaky, you need something that you can kind of ground yourself in that

1157
01:15:04.320 --> 01:15:06.880
you are feeling really good about.

1158
01:15:06.880 --> 01:15:13.440
And so maybe it's, I would say, I don't want to overload you, but like consider doing multiple

1159
01:15:13.440 --> 01:15:16.940
things in the next month, maybe at least four.

1160
01:15:16.940 --> 01:15:21.360
So the way I would do that is maybe one a week, if that's not too much for you.

1161
01:15:21.360 --> 01:15:24.040
And it doesn't all have to be money related.

1162
01:15:24.040 --> 01:15:27.760
But like one could be and again, I'm just going to kind of throw out some ideas.

1163
01:15:27.760 --> 01:15:32.000
One could be you go to dinner with girlfriends that you've known for a long time that you

1164
01:15:32.000 --> 01:15:34.160
feel safe with, okay?

1165
01:15:34.160 --> 01:15:39.520
Those are people you know, you trust them, you feel good around them, okay?

1166
01:15:39.520 --> 01:15:44.200
It could be you go to a park or somewhere that is a favorite space for you that you

1167
01:15:44.200 --> 01:15:46.400
feel really good and safe there.

1168
01:15:46.400 --> 01:15:53.280
So basically the key is fun and safe packaged together.

1169
01:15:53.280 --> 01:16:00.560
And then one of the four, one of the four, I would love for you to try something you've

1170
01:16:00.560 --> 01:16:06.160
always wanted to try that looked fun to you that you haven't done yet.

1171
01:16:06.160 --> 01:16:07.160
Could be something small.

1172
01:16:07.160 --> 01:16:10.960
Could be something small, doesn't have to be something big, but just something that

1173
01:16:10.960 --> 01:16:14.720
kind of gets you into something that you're looking forward to.

1174
01:16:14.720 --> 01:16:20.280
And again, this is to shift you out of, you know, we need some things sometimes to pull

1175
01:16:20.280 --> 01:16:26.200
us out of that overwhelm mode and that shutdown mode and doing fun things with people that

1176
01:16:26.200 --> 01:16:32.000
we know, like and trust can be one of those big anchors, but then also exploring something

1177
01:16:32.000 --> 01:16:37.120
new that we're excited to do can be another one of those.

1178
01:16:37.120 --> 01:16:40.600
And then come in the group and let us know how those go.

1179
01:16:40.600 --> 01:16:46.680
And even if additional emotions, good or bad surface, and I want you to know this, it's

1180
01:16:46.680 --> 01:16:49.760
super important, okay?

1181
01:16:49.760 --> 01:16:52.600
Whatever you feel is okay.

1182
01:16:52.600 --> 01:16:57.560
Even when you're doing the fun things, because what, and I don't want this to scare you,

1183
01:16:57.560 --> 01:17:02.200
but what could happen is you could go do fun things and you might have emotion come up.

1184
01:17:02.200 --> 01:17:05.960
And so you need to be with people that aren't going to be weirded out.

1185
01:17:05.960 --> 01:17:09.340
If you have like, if you just randomly, when you're having fun, start crying.

1186
01:17:09.340 --> 01:17:14.000
Not that that will happen, but I'm just saying to you sometimes because you're allowing yourself

1187
01:17:14.000 --> 01:17:17.120
to be in a space where, you know, you're going to probably have your guard down a little

1188
01:17:17.120 --> 01:17:19.760
bit more in a safe place.

1189
01:17:19.760 --> 01:17:22.600
And so just, yeah, be aware of that.

1190
01:17:22.600 --> 01:17:25.720
And don't feel like you have to hide that either.

1191
01:17:25.720 --> 01:17:27.800
All right.

1192
01:17:27.800 --> 01:17:29.720
And you could go and laugh the whole time.

1193
01:17:29.720 --> 01:17:31.000
And that's great too.

1194
01:17:31.000 --> 01:17:35.320
I have no expectation of what those need to look like for you, but I just wanted to speak

1195
01:17:35.320 --> 01:17:41.320
that over you because you said, I feel like I have to show up a certain way and you don't.

1196
01:17:41.320 --> 01:17:45.520
However you show up in those moments is how you show up in those moments.

1197
01:17:45.520 --> 01:17:50.080
And just really kind of putting some affirming things up and telling yourself that on a regular

1198
01:17:50.080 --> 01:17:54.240
basis is going to be really important too, because whether or not, ladies and gentlemen,

1199
01:17:54.240 --> 01:17:59.440
other people expect things from us, certain emotions, certain responses, you know, some

1200
01:17:59.440 --> 01:18:05.120
of this, some of these people expect us to keep fixing them because we've always done

1201
01:18:05.120 --> 01:18:06.120
it.

1202
01:18:06.120 --> 01:18:07.120
Right.

1203
01:18:07.120 --> 01:18:12.240
And so when we shift into being someone different, you know, maybe they don't love that, or we

1204
01:18:12.240 --> 01:18:16.800
shift into some new role and maybe there's grieving because we're going to miss people

1205
01:18:16.800 --> 01:18:22.440
or somebody wants us to still help them or whatever that is, you know, but it is okay

1206
01:18:22.440 --> 01:18:27.640
for us to move forward and allow God to work in the rest of that.

1207
01:18:27.640 --> 01:18:30.400
So let us know how that goes, Anya.

1208
01:18:30.400 --> 01:18:36.080
But I just really felt like that was important for you over the next month in this time.

1209
01:18:36.080 --> 01:18:40.400
And to let us know, you know, as you're in that new role, how that's going as well.

1210
01:18:40.400 --> 01:18:41.400
Okay.

1211
01:18:41.560 --> 01:18:42.560
Thanks, Bethany.

1212
01:18:42.560 --> 01:18:43.560
You're welcome.

1213
01:18:43.560 --> 01:18:44.560
Appreciate you.

1214
01:18:44.560 --> 01:18:45.560
It's good to see you.

1215
01:18:45.560 --> 01:18:46.560
Alexandra.

1216
01:18:46.560 --> 01:18:47.560
Go ahead.

1217
01:18:47.560 --> 01:18:48.560
Hi, Bethany.

1218
01:18:48.560 --> 01:18:49.560
Hi.

1219
01:18:49.560 --> 01:18:50.560
It's been a while.

1220
01:18:50.560 --> 01:18:51.560
It's good to see you.

1221
01:18:51.560 --> 01:18:52.560
I know.

1222
01:18:52.560 --> 01:18:53.560
It's good to see you too.

1223
01:18:53.560 --> 01:18:56.160
I was curious, like just I had a couple of questions.

1224
01:18:56.160 --> 01:18:59.120
One, I accidentally got the time wrong tonight, so I apologize.

1225
01:18:59.120 --> 01:19:00.120
Oh, that's all right.

1226
01:19:00.120 --> 01:19:01.480
Eight instead of seven.

1227
01:19:01.480 --> 01:19:07.920
So but what's the best way to like, because I know level two is like very intimate is

1228
01:19:07.920 --> 01:19:10.240
what's the best way to like stay connected?

1229
01:19:10.240 --> 01:19:12.160
What would you say for me?

1230
01:19:12.160 --> 01:19:14.280
And like, I can reach out to support.

1231
01:19:14.280 --> 01:19:18.680
I was thinking about doing that and like how to still join the video calls for like level

1232
01:19:18.680 --> 01:19:21.400
two, but I'm just feeling super disconnected.

1233
01:19:21.400 --> 01:19:22.400
Yeah.

1234
01:19:22.400 --> 01:19:25.800
So when you come into the bigger group, I know sometimes that can be a transition for

1235
01:19:25.800 --> 01:19:27.520
most folks.

1236
01:19:27.520 --> 01:19:32.520
I would say the biggest thing is to come in and comment and engage with this, you know,

1237
01:19:32.520 --> 01:19:36.280
in our Facebook group, especially for the ladies.

1238
01:19:36.320 --> 01:19:43.440
You know, it's it's very easy to talk to each other in there and come into the live session.

1239
01:19:43.440 --> 01:19:49.320
So when you're in phase three, talking like you are tonight and asking a question or even

1240
01:19:49.320 --> 01:19:57.920
like, you know, in addition to just that kind of technical question of how to navigate it.

1241
01:19:57.920 --> 01:20:00.000
Asking questions and getting in the heart.

1242
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.360
seat or showing up and cheering other people on in the chat. You know, I just want to encourage

1243
01:20:05.360 --> 01:20:12.160
all of you in this. We never have to be, and I'm not saying this just to Alexandra,

1244
01:20:12.160 --> 01:20:16.640
but it made me think of it. We never have to be the fly on the wall. We never have to be

1245
01:20:16.640 --> 01:20:19.680
the people that are in the background, even when there's a big group of people.

1246
01:20:20.800 --> 01:20:24.640
You know, when I used to get on prayer, and I'm not just saying everybody has to be like this,

1247
01:20:24.640 --> 01:20:28.080
but I just want to encourage you all. Like when I used to get on ladies prayer, even when I would

1248
01:20:28.080 --> 01:20:34.960
be at work, I would type things in the chat to engage, you know, because I wanted people to

1249
01:20:34.960 --> 01:20:40.240
know like I was praying with them and for them. And we can't always do that because sometimes,

1250
01:20:40.240 --> 01:20:44.960
you know, I wasn't able to have my hands free to do that. But just when I would be on Supernatural

1251
01:20:44.960 --> 01:20:48.960
Saturdays, just every now and then just chiming in, like, you know, when Jackie be sharing

1252
01:20:48.960 --> 01:20:53.280
something or even on this, like engaging when I'm asking questions, you know, those are all

1253
01:20:53.280 --> 01:21:01.200
different ways that you like, we are literally saying, I am here. And that we matter and that

1254
01:21:01.200 --> 01:21:06.080
we have thoughts and feelings. And, you know, we're working through things and people start

1255
01:21:06.080 --> 01:21:11.040
to get to know our names when we're in the chat. And so I think those are some that even though

1256
01:21:11.040 --> 01:21:16.960
it might seem like, well, it's still a big group. Well, it is. But when you start kind of connecting

1257
01:21:16.960 --> 01:21:21.840
with people that are in the Facebook group or in this chat, you will find that some of these folks

1258
01:21:21.840 --> 01:21:29.280
like start to hang out like we had two sisters on tonight that were together. And that happens

1259
01:21:29.280 --> 01:21:34.320
through continuing to show up and engage and choosing to, you know, participate in different

1260
01:21:34.320 --> 01:21:40.000
ways. And so just want to encourage you welcome to the VIP phase three, it's going to be a great

1261
01:21:40.000 --> 01:21:45.200
experience. And so even though it's different than phase two, because that can be that smaller group

1262
01:21:45.200 --> 01:21:54.880
of people. We can all find one buddy. Okay, we can. And sometimes it's just finding the right

1263
01:21:54.880 --> 01:22:00.880
buddy. Nora asked in there, when's the next retreat? I know that Jackie's talking about another

1264
01:22:00.880 --> 01:22:05.680
one. I don't know any dates, unfortunately, all so I didn't do a lot of announcements because

1265
01:22:05.680 --> 01:22:11.360
I don't know those dates. I'll let Jackie kind of let those out of the bag when they're ready. But

1266
01:22:12.320 --> 01:22:15.760
Alexander, did you have another question? Do you have a heart work question?

1267
01:22:16.320 --> 01:22:21.840
I'm kind of if there's something in here that you think that you could advise me on, but I just

1268
01:22:21.840 --> 01:22:25.680
I've been in Austin for like a month and a half. And I've been like super excited to be here. I

1269
01:22:25.680 --> 01:22:31.760
found a church I really love. And I felt God put it on my heart, like, in this process of like

1270
01:22:31.760 --> 01:22:38.480
wanting to find a husband of like finding my girls here, like a group of girls. And so that's just a

1271
01:22:38.480 --> 01:22:45.360
praise. I like prayed for that during a fast and like literally like a 35 year old single woman

1272
01:22:45.360 --> 01:22:50.880
sat like right next to me, like that week. And so we're hanging out this week. And so I'm really

1273
01:22:50.880 --> 01:22:57.520
trying to be intentional with that. But at the same time, like, I feel like I'm on some hyperactive

1274
01:22:57.520 --> 01:23:02.560
drug as far as like going on dates, like I'm just like excited to meet people. There's a ton of

1275
01:23:02.560 --> 01:23:09.440
opportunities like out here, which is so different from where I came from. And like, I'm not saying

1276
01:23:09.440 --> 01:23:13.760
this to brag, but like a lot of men have asked me out in a month and a half. And I think it might be

1277
01:23:13.760 --> 01:23:20.400
what I'm putting out. I don't know what's going on, but it's been, it's been exciting. And then also

1278
01:23:20.400 --> 01:23:26.480
like, it was the, not the pastor, the leader of the young adult group at my church, he asked me

1279
01:23:26.480 --> 01:23:32.560
out and then he canceled it before because we weren't a good match. And then my neighbor asked

1280
01:23:32.560 --> 01:23:38.160
me out and we went out and then it turns out he's not a Christian and he's my neighbor. So I'm just

1281
01:23:38.160 --> 01:23:44.480
feeling a little like overwhelmed, I guess. And I'm like, I feel like I need to like slow my roll,

1282
01:23:44.480 --> 01:23:51.680
but it's, I don't know what to do. That's okay. Well, I think, hey, number one way to go,

1283
01:23:51.680 --> 01:23:56.400
you moved. I, you know, kind of always wondered, you talked about that in heartwork

1284
01:23:56.400 --> 01:24:02.560
and the whole thing with your dogs, like that's you, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So you're in Austin,

1285
01:24:02.560 --> 01:24:07.440
you're making some friends, um, guys are asking you on dates. So those are all really good things.

1286
01:24:07.440 --> 01:24:12.400
So here's the thing that I will say to you. I think that you're learning a lot in this transition

1287
01:24:12.400 --> 01:24:17.920
as well about kind of what works for you, what doesn't, you know, I don't think it's, you know,

1288
01:24:17.920 --> 01:24:22.000
a bad thing to try to go on a date with a neighbor and it doesn't work out. That's fine.

1289
01:24:22.640 --> 01:24:27.760
Sometimes it does work out. And so now, you know, and you can just keep moving,

1290
01:24:27.760 --> 01:24:34.240
move forward from that. Um, I think that if you feel like you need to slow down a little bit,

1291
01:24:34.240 --> 01:24:41.760
trust yourself, hold on one second regarding the dating it's, but I don't think, I don't think it's,

1292
01:24:42.480 --> 01:24:48.160
you just have to learn your own pace as you go. And I don't necessarily think it's an energy that

1293
01:24:48.160 --> 01:24:56.480
you're setting off. I think for, you said he was the young adult pastor. I think that one's probably

1294
01:24:56.480 --> 01:24:59.840
maybe he went a little too fast because if he's your pastor.

1295
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:12.000
Or he's a young adult. Sorry, he was just leading like a small group of young adults, but his parents are pastors, and I answered his questions wrong, and he judged me, and I get it.

1296
01:25:12.000 --> 01:25:14.000
Oh. It's fine.

1297
01:25:14.000 --> 01:25:27.000
Okay, well, we're going to believe in God defended there, because again, this is where, what made you, let's go into this for a minute. I think that something's getting highlighted.

1298
01:25:27.000 --> 01:25:30.000
What makes you think that you answered his questions wrong?

1299
01:25:30.000 --> 01:25:53.000
Well, he called, we had a similar, like, kind of out of nowhere-ish. Well, not fully out of nowhere. Anyway, he asked through email, because we had been corresponding through email, asked for my phone number, called me, asked me on a date for the next weekend, and then text me and changed it from like a breakfast to like wanted to go to the nicest, his favorite steak restaurant.

1300
01:25:53.000 --> 01:26:05.000
And I, so I kind of put like my, a few boundaries up. I was like, why don't we stick to like breakfast, like maybe that in the future. And so then out of nowhere, like in the middle of the week, he like calls me.

1301
01:26:05.000 --> 01:26:25.000
And then after I said no to like going to the nice steak restaurant, and just started like chatting, asking me questions, why did you move? Like, just lots of questions about my life. And I thought he was just trying to get to know me. And like, just kind of because we already had a date planned for that weekend.

1302
01:26:25.000 --> 01:26:53.000
I was like, I wasn't expecting him to like, I don't know, ask me questions that he would then change his mind. But we talked about a few things. One of them was like, I thought, this is why I think he might not have wanted to go on a date. His parents are pastors. And he was like, oh, yeah, like guys can't be friends with girls. And I was like, well, like, I don't think that like, that's not always the case. I think you can like speak truth over yourself and like be wise with that.

1303
01:26:53.000 --> 01:27:22.000
And he was like, well, you don't know men or something like that. He didn't say you don't know men. He was like, men are different. And I was like, okay, like, you know, that's just what I think. But so it kind of like, just some hot topics. He brought up politics. And I was like, oh, we can talk more about that. Like in the future, but he was like, I don't think like gay people should be married is what he said. And I was like, I was like, yeah, that's something like, you know, we can definitely talk more about like, that's just a difficult question.

1304
01:27:23.000 --> 01:27:24.000
Yeah.

1305
01:27:24.000 --> 01:27:25.000
Yeah.

1306
01:27:25.000 --> 01:27:26.000
Yeah.

1307
01:27:26.000 --> 01:27:27.000
Yeah.

1308
01:27:27.000 --> 01:27:28.000
Yeah.

1309
01:27:28.000 --> 01:27:29.000
Yeah.

1310
01:27:30.000 --> 01:27:31.000
Yeah.

1311
01:27:31.000 --> 01:27:32.000
Yeah.

1312
01:27:32.000 --> 01:27:33.000
I was trying. It was like,

1313
01:27:33.000 --> 01:27:36.000
You're doing a good job.

1314
01:27:36.000 --> 01:27:56.000
And that's okay. And you know, this is again, going back into what we're even talking about tonight. So here's a situation where someone's asking her very pointed questions very quickly. So she's setting healthy boundaries. And she's saying, Hey, we can talk about this more another time. But then what what's happening is then he asked the next hard question.

1315
01:27:57.000 --> 01:28:21.000
And so I really believe God has defended you and protected you from this because it doesn't sound like he's in the place right now to be what you would need in this season. Anyways, maybe he would be one day, it sounds like maybe some kind of coaching program like ours would benefit him. And so I would just kind of look at

1316
01:28:22.000 --> 01:28:45.000
I'm looking at how the provider shows up. I'm valued for what I produce, not who I am. And so the fact that you kind of like, he broke things off just because I didn't say the right thing, which maybe is true. Okay, maybe that is from his perspective. But deep down in us, like when that kind of thought comes up, Oh, I just didn't say the right thing. So he decided not to take me out.

1317
01:28:45.000 --> 01:28:58.000
Let's make sure we're looking at, okay, is that person is that part of us showing up saying, Okay, I didn't produce, I didn't say the right thing. Versus, you know, this person just chose not to really get to know me.

1318
01:28:59.000 --> 01:29:27.000
You know what I'm saying? Where we really understand like our identity and our value is important. And sometimes people are not going to choose to prioritize getting to know us as people and getting to know our character and our value, they're going to kind of go into that zone of interview, like in a lot of questions really quick. And so praise the Lord, you can just move forward and hopefully go on a date with someone else that is going to be able to

1319
01:29:27.000 --> 01:29:53.000
go at a slower pace and really get to know you and, you know, value who you are versus just what you bring to the table. You know what you believe about politics or certain types of conversations at this point. And so I feel like you're doing a really good job. And so keep doing what you're doing. You're meeting some new people, you're getting into a new church. Those are all wins. I hear a lot of wins.

1320
01:29:53.000 --> 01:30:00.000
Yeah, in God, in my head that morning before he sent me a text to say I don't care.

1321
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:09.200
to go to breakfast anymore. Lauren Daigle's song, I think it's Rescue. That came to my head

1322
01:30:09.200 --> 01:30:14.240
and I started playing it in the house that morning and I was like, okay, just felt peace over.

1323
01:30:14.240 --> 01:30:19.760
And then when he canceled the date, I just was like, okay, this feels like protection.

1324
01:30:20.880 --> 01:30:26.640
And he might be a nice guy, but he might just not be a good spirit mate connection and things

1325
01:30:26.640 --> 01:30:33.200
like that. So yes, for sure. I, I related. I used to ask a lot of questions and then say goodbye

1326
01:30:33.200 --> 01:30:39.680
quickly. So I relate. Yeah. Thank you so much. So good to see you and talk to you. So good to

1327
01:30:39.680 --> 01:30:44.480
see you too. We're cheering you on. So make sure you come in when you're in the phase three group

1328
01:30:44.480 --> 01:30:49.120
and anybody else that's newer to phase three, make sure you come in and do an introduction

1329
01:30:49.120 --> 01:30:53.440
post just like we had you do in the other groups. And then the ladies can start to get to know you

1330
01:30:53.440 --> 01:30:57.200
and make sure you share a little bit about yourself. You said tonight you're from Austin,

1331
01:30:57.200 --> 01:31:02.000
Texas. We actually have a lot of people from Austin, Texas area. And so there might be some

1332
01:31:02.000 --> 01:31:06.560
people that even reach out to you if you do that intro post and kind of, you might make some

1333
01:31:06.560 --> 01:31:11.840
connections from the last year single group pretty quickly. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right.

1334
01:31:12.480 --> 01:31:15.600
Thank you for sharing Stephanie from New York. Go ahead.

1335
01:31:15.840 --> 01:31:21.840
Hey, Bethany. Good to see you. It's been a while. Good to see you too. So I identify with a lot of

1336
01:31:21.840 --> 01:31:28.640
those, but the one that I think I need you to coach me on is one that I experienced very recently in,

1337
01:31:28.640 --> 01:31:38.640
in with dating. And I have, I really struggle with the need to make my, like to feel like I'm

1338
01:31:38.800 --> 01:31:45.440
understood. So there was someone about two months ago that I dated, we went on two, on two dates.

1339
01:31:45.440 --> 01:31:49.040
I really liked him. I was going really well. And then he changed his mind about wanting to

1340
01:31:49.040 --> 01:31:56.960
have children. You coached me a little bit on that, on, on the chat. He, he told me about it.

1341
01:31:56.960 --> 01:32:02.000
Then he said he was going to give me time to kind of process. And then, you know, I went two days

1342
01:32:02.720 --> 01:32:08.320
without speaking to him and then he shut the door. So he was like, okay, you know, so I just kind of

1343
01:32:08.320 --> 01:32:15.600
got this news and kind of sat with it. It did for me personally helped me bring a lot of things to

1344
01:32:15.600 --> 01:32:21.680
the Lord. I, I think I, I grieved really hard, not necessarily for the person, but I think because

1345
01:32:21.680 --> 01:32:29.040
just the season of my life. And also I think I met, like, it was so great that I was able to

1346
01:32:29.040 --> 01:32:34.880
I think I met, like, it was so great that I like opened up myself to like the hope and the

1347
01:32:34.880 --> 01:32:43.200
possibility. I realized I still need to work on, I guess, pacing that emotional investment.

1348
01:32:45.040 --> 01:32:51.200
But, okay, so two, two months passed, I did date a guy for a couple of weeks in between who

1349
01:32:52.400 --> 01:32:57.360
you also coached me on because of the way his marriage had ended. And in the end, I realized

1350
01:32:57.360 --> 01:33:01.840
he just wasn't pursuing me intentionally. And when I brought it up, he, he was like,

1351
01:33:01.840 --> 01:33:08.880
yeah, you're right. I'm not. So anyway, but yeah, yeah. And the whole time, like, I,

1352
01:33:09.680 --> 01:33:16.320
I just couldn't let this other thing go. Like, I really, because to me, when I heard it,

1353
01:33:16.320 --> 01:33:22.640
it wasn't like, this is a hard note for me. Like, this is, you know, I feel like I'm called to just

1354
01:33:22.640 --> 01:33:27.760
steward the children that I have. And this is this is where I'm at. It was kind of wishy washy.

1355
01:33:27.760 --> 01:33:37.200
And so I was confused. And I was left with like this uncertainty. So it was still bothering me.

1356
01:33:37.200 --> 01:33:46.640
And because I wanted, I wanted to say my part that I didn't get to when he when he just shut it down.

1357
01:33:47.360 --> 01:33:55.920
And because I wanted to ask for, I guess, more clarity. I asked for for a meet. And he agreed

1358
01:33:55.920 --> 01:34:06.160
very quickly. And a few days later, just started asking questions about like, what my intentions

1359
01:34:06.160 --> 01:34:10.320
were and why I wanted to meet and how I like accepted his limitations. And I had, you know,

1360
01:34:10.320 --> 01:34:14.880
like, was this some sort of experiment? Like, I just started feeling a lot of, I guess, anxiety

1361
01:34:14.880 --> 01:34:20.320
from his end, or just maybe a sense of insecurity. I'm not saying that with any certainty.

1362
01:34:22.160 --> 01:34:29.280
But he tried to cancel. And I talked, I talked him into it. Like, I don't know why I couldn't just

1363
01:34:30.000 --> 01:34:35.760
anyway, we did me and boy, oh, boy, it was really bad. It was really bad. Because,

1364
01:34:36.400 --> 01:34:41.280
well, one on the one end, I'm grateful because I realized why God shut the door in the first place.

1365
01:34:41.920 --> 01:34:49.280
I'm also really grateful because God in his mercy gave me like, this is why he didn't have to tell

1366
01:34:49.280 --> 01:34:55.440
me I, you know, I could have just lived with with the uncertainty. He didn't have to reveal it to

1367
01:34:55.440 --> 01:35:00.000
me. And he did. But and I was able to figure out

1368
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:06.680
figure out that that last conversation that we had had, we had two different experiences.

1369
01:35:06.680 --> 01:35:12.200
He thought he was saying, this is something that's on my mind. And I would like you to

1370
01:35:12.200 --> 01:35:17.000
know that it's on my mind and see how you feel about it. Whereas I thought he was saying

1371
01:35:17.000 --> 01:35:21.920
this is where I'm at, take it or leave it. Like, if, you know, if you really want to

1372
01:35:21.920 --> 01:35:30.280
have children, then I'm not your guy. And so when I asked for time to process it, he

1373
01:35:30.280 --> 01:35:35.840
said that, well, in the moment, he told me that like, that it was so disheartening and

1374
01:35:35.840 --> 01:35:41.920
so painful, because my demeanor had completely changed. And I started asking a bunch of questions

1375
01:35:41.920 --> 01:35:47.120
about it. Like, I don't know how he expected me to react when we had filtered this out

1376
01:35:47.120 --> 01:35:52.640
early, and then he kind of switched it up. Yeah. So I don't know what my reaction was

1377
01:35:52.640 --> 01:35:57.320
supposed to be. And when I asked, he didn't know either. He just didn't like it. But we

1378
01:35:57.320 --> 01:36:01.360
had different experiences. And he said that, you know, our communication completely changed

1379
01:36:01.360 --> 01:36:07.800
afterwards. And I'm like, I didn't know, I didn't know how I was supposed to handle it.

1380
01:36:07.800 --> 01:36:16.960
In any case, we went like 30 rounds for like three and a half hours because he wasn't understanding

1381
01:36:16.960 --> 01:36:22.200
me. Like I, it's like we were speaking two different, completely different languages.

1382
01:36:22.200 --> 01:36:28.640
And I, I know now from my own hard work that I, I obviously was triggering a lot of things

1383
01:36:28.640 --> 01:36:34.520
in whatever I was saying, but not, it wasn't my intention at all. And it didn't matter

1384
01:36:34.520 --> 01:36:40.680
how many times I said, like, that's not what I mean. I'm not trying to injure you. Like,

1385
01:36:40.680 --> 01:36:49.520
it didn't matter. He felt attacked, and he attacked me back. And so it just, I need the

1386
01:36:49.520 --> 01:36:55.080
coaching because I know that like, one, I shouldn't have gone there in the first place.

1387
01:36:55.080 --> 01:37:01.160
And I should have left from the moment it started being like, he felt attacked. So he

1388
01:37:01.160 --> 01:37:06.520
was attacking me like certain things even just like, you know, well, I'm just responding

1389
01:37:06.640 --> 01:37:13.520
to you. And you know, I'm like this because you're like this. And I, I really felt like

1390
01:37:13.520 --> 01:37:17.840
I left like, with an emotional beating. Like it was, it was really awful.

1391
01:37:17.840 --> 01:37:24.120
Yeah. So let me ask you a question. So this isn't directly related. Thank you for sharing

1392
01:37:24.120 --> 01:37:31.040
all that, by the way. And even though it didn't go well, man, you're going to be able to learn

1393
01:37:31.040 --> 01:37:36.360
a lot from this, a ton that you're going to take and you're going to grow. And hopefully

1394
01:37:36.360 --> 01:37:40.600
you'll do something different next time. And you'll be able to just to kind of release

1395
01:37:40.600 --> 01:37:46.040
and let it go if you need to. But my question for you is, you said, as you were talking

1396
01:37:46.040 --> 01:37:51.640
about it, one of the things you said is I just wanted to say my part. And the question

1397
01:37:51.640 --> 01:38:00.880
that I have for you is, was there a time when you were a kid or a teenager, when you I don't

1398
01:38:00.920 --> 01:38:04.880
kind of the picture I just keep seeing, it might not resonate at all, is like, like a

1399
01:38:04.880 --> 01:38:10.840
parent or a grandparent, someone where you got in trouble or something happened and you

1400
01:38:10.840 --> 01:38:15.080
felt really misunderstood. And you just wanted to tell them your side of the story, your

1401
01:38:15.080 --> 01:38:20.400
part, but they wouldn't let you speak. Did that ever anything like that ever happened

1402
01:38:20.400 --> 01:38:20.880
to you?

1403
01:38:21.240 --> 01:38:25.560
Yeah, that's that was the dynamic growing up. Like I didn't like nobody listened to me.

1404
01:38:25.960 --> 01:38:30.600
And it was, you know, my parents were very young, they were teenagers, you know, with

1405
01:38:30.600 --> 01:38:35.560
their own stuff. But I also grew up with grandparents who like, we weren't allowed to

1406
01:38:35.560 --> 01:38:43.280
talk back, we weren't allowed to, to really express how we felt it was say, you know, do

1407
01:38:43.280 --> 01:38:51.600
as I say. And, and that's it. And any kind of retort was disrespectful. So I've even

1408
01:38:51.600 --> 01:38:58.560
experienced it with with my family, as an adult, like, like a grown adult, where I'm

1409
01:38:59.120 --> 01:39:05.800
saying my opinion, in the most respectful way, but because it disagrees, or critiques or

1410
01:39:05.800 --> 01:39:11.560
point something out, yeah, then I'm punished for it in the sense of like, you know, that's

1411
01:39:11.560 --> 01:39:15.600
disrespectful, and we're your elders, and we're always going to be right in a way that

1412
01:39:15.600 --> 01:39:17.520
always makes me feel like I'm five, no matter what.

1413
01:39:18.400 --> 01:39:25.400
Okay, so this five year old version that you just told us about, and then again, as you grew

1414
01:39:25.400 --> 01:39:30.160
up, okay, but you just said something important, because that tells me that it goes back to when

1415
01:39:30.160 --> 01:39:35.960
you were five, that this started a long time ago. And what's happening is in this

1416
01:39:35.960 --> 01:39:40.440
situation, you just went through where all this extra pressure kind of was applied in a

1417
01:39:40.440 --> 01:39:47.800
sense, is the five year old that needs healed the teenager version that needs healed those

1418
01:39:47.800 --> 01:39:53.320
different ages where you you really didn't get to use your voice. We're kind of screaming out

1419
01:39:53.320 --> 01:39:57.840
like, I just want to tell my part, I just want to tell my side of things, you know, like, and

1420
01:39:57.840 --> 01:40:00.000
so what I would

1421
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.440
Recommend is number one, just spending some time over the next couple of weeks,

1422
01:40:06.000 --> 01:40:11.800
you know, where you just take a journal and just express like anything that

1423
01:40:11.800 --> 01:40:16.800
comes to you about times that you did not get to use your voice and like, how

1424
01:40:16.800 --> 01:40:21.420
did that make you feel and pray to forgive those people that did not let

1425
01:40:21.420 --> 01:40:25.920
you speak and maybe still don't let you speak, um, from the sounds of it.

1426
01:40:26.360 --> 01:40:30.820
And then, um, let's see where else that leads you because while, while yes,

1427
01:40:30.820 --> 01:40:37.160
it is with this guy, I think that this guy, it got to that point because the

1428
01:40:37.160 --> 01:40:42.680
little girl and the teenage girl version of you is still in there unhealed,

1429
01:40:42.780 --> 01:40:44.700
wanting to have your voice.

1430
01:40:45.000 --> 01:40:50.300
And so when you guys were trying to have a conversation, even before you met in

1431
01:40:50.300 --> 01:40:54.980
person, he was just kind of like, okay, he thought you guys were done and you

1432
01:40:54.980 --> 01:40:58.820
were just, you know, whether you guys misunderstood each other or not, the

1433
01:40:58.820 --> 01:41:03.160
reality is, is that you wanted to get together because you really had this

1434
01:41:03.160 --> 01:41:06.860
burning inside of you for you to get to say your part.

1435
01:41:06.860 --> 01:41:07.740
Does that make sense?

1436
01:41:08.080 --> 01:41:08.420
Yeah.

1437
01:41:08.700 --> 01:41:14.580
And so one of the ways to help yourself, hopefully not have that intensity of

1438
01:41:14.580 --> 01:41:18.540
that happen again, is to, again, take some time to minister to those

1439
01:41:18.540 --> 01:41:19.900
younger versions of yourself.

1440
01:41:20.180 --> 01:41:26.540
A lot of times, like I encourage people just to like, thank your younger version

1441
01:41:26.540 --> 01:41:29.940
and just kind of like, I'm sorry that that happened to you.

1442
01:41:29.940 --> 01:41:34.420
Like you, like how I was saying earlier, like I talked to my own body, I talked to

1443
01:41:34.420 --> 01:41:39.840
my own self, like there's times where I, I've told my little girl version of

1444
01:41:39.840 --> 01:41:42.180
myself, thank you for never giving up.

1445
01:41:42.700 --> 01:41:47.140
Like just, you know, I've thanked my body for not breaking down on me all those

1446
01:41:47.140 --> 01:41:50.760
years ago, because I, things could have been way worse with what I've, what I've

1447
01:41:50.760 --> 01:41:51.300
gone through.

1448
01:41:51.760 --> 01:41:56.860
And when we do that, it really honors that.

1449
01:41:56.860 --> 01:42:01.020
And then it helps us heal and kind of reconnect with the adult version of

1450
01:42:01.020 --> 01:42:05.700
ourself where we don't feel that intensity as much, and it will probably

1451
01:42:05.700 --> 01:42:09.900
take time because it sounds like you've been through this a lot growing up.

1452
01:42:10.300 --> 01:42:14.460
It could be quick, but if it does take time, just give yourself some grace.

1453
01:42:14.900 --> 01:42:21.140
With this situation, I would just honestly do a forgiveness prayer sheet regarding

1454
01:42:21.140 --> 01:42:23.260
that guy and his behavior towards you.

1455
01:42:23.620 --> 01:42:29.140
Forgive yourself for pushing to like, make you guys get together to do that.

1456
01:42:29.540 --> 01:42:32.500
And just give yourself permission to move forward, Stephanie.

1457
01:42:34.380 --> 01:42:34.700
Yeah.

1458
01:42:34.740 --> 01:42:37.660
Cause I, there's nothing else you're going to be able to do right now.

1459
01:42:37.660 --> 01:42:41.300
You guys, number one, neither one of you are hearing each other fully.

1460
01:42:41.580 --> 01:42:45.540
And so there's not going to be anything that would be any kind of healthy fruit

1461
01:42:45.540 --> 01:42:46.540
that's going to come out of that.

1462
01:42:46.540 --> 01:42:49.940
And not that you even, we're going to try to talk to him again, but I would just

1463
01:42:49.940 --> 01:42:51.340
end it really poorly.

1464
01:42:51.340 --> 01:42:54.980
And that's another thing that I, maybe that forgiveness thing is going to help

1465
01:42:54.980 --> 01:42:57.900
me because I'm just like, I didn't want it to end that way.

1466
01:42:57.900 --> 01:43:01.380
Like best case scenario was like, look, we're not a good match.

1467
01:43:01.580 --> 01:43:02.500
I wish you well.

1468
01:43:02.980 --> 01:43:03.300
Yeah.

1469
01:43:03.820 --> 01:43:06.620
But it didn't, it went, it went really, really bad.

1470
01:43:06.940 --> 01:43:07.740
And it's okay.

1471
01:43:07.780 --> 01:43:11.860
You know, again, you're learning and ladies and gentlemen, sometimes things

1472
01:43:11.860 --> 01:43:14.220
are going to go wrong and that's how we're going to learn.

1473
01:43:14.300 --> 01:43:14.700
Okay.

1474
01:43:14.980 --> 01:43:17.540
And so, yeah, just love yourself, forgive yourself for that.

1475
01:43:17.540 --> 01:43:19.540
Forgive him on that forgiveness sheet.

1476
01:43:19.820 --> 01:43:22.620
And then do some of this work from when you were younger and not

1477
01:43:22.620 --> 01:43:24.220
getting to express your voice.

1478
01:43:24.540 --> 01:43:27.820
And there might be even some things that you remember that you wanted to say

1479
01:43:27.820 --> 01:43:32.060
when you were younger, that you never got a chance to say, and even writing

1480
01:43:32.060 --> 01:43:35.820
those out and forgiving the people that didn't let you speak like about that

1481
01:43:35.820 --> 01:43:38.140
specific thing, I think is going to be really important.

1482
01:43:38.620 --> 01:43:38.980
Yeah.

1483
01:43:38.980 --> 01:43:43.100
Cause I feel like when I went, my point is like, yeah, I want, I want

1484
01:43:43.100 --> 01:43:46.220
them to hear what I have to say, but there's an essence there for me of

1485
01:43:46.220 --> 01:43:51.820
like, if they understand me, like they'll, they'll accept me or they'll,

1486
01:43:51.860 --> 01:43:55.820
they won't, you know, they won't judge me or they'll love me, you know?

1487
01:43:55.820 --> 01:43:57.420
And I know that's, that's.

1488
01:43:58.380 --> 01:44:01.940
So what's going to have to happen is you'll have to, at some point,

1489
01:44:02.180 --> 01:44:03.460
um, and this is for everyone.

1490
01:44:03.460 --> 01:44:12.740
We have to get to the point where we love ourselves enough that, and I'm not

1491
01:44:12.740 --> 01:44:17.660
saying again, this in a prideful way, of course, y'all, I, I want everyone to love

1492
01:44:17.660 --> 01:44:17.900
me.

1493
01:44:18.060 --> 01:44:23.740
I do, but the reality is, especially pastoring a church, like some people

1494
01:44:23.740 --> 01:44:28.300
just don't, and that's, that's just the way it is super hard for me.

1495
01:44:28.700 --> 01:44:30.140
But here's the thing.

1496
01:44:30.500 --> 01:44:36.020
If I genuinely love myself and I have a good relationship with the Lord and I

1497
01:44:36.300 --> 01:44:41.180
pray, if they're, you know, make sure I have a clean heart, like I just have to

1498
01:44:41.180 --> 01:44:47.020
leave the rest to him because if I constantly worry about whether or not

1499
01:44:47.020 --> 01:44:52.500
somebody understands me all the time, loves me, like we'll never be peaceful.

1500
01:44:52.820 --> 01:44:53.620
We won't.

1501
01:44:53.940 --> 01:44:58.540
And so centering ourselves in the Lord, knowing who God says you are, remember

1502
01:44:58.540 --> 01:44:59.900
to get back out your.

1503
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:01.920
Silhouette, if you did that in heart work.

1504
01:45:01.920 --> 01:45:04.960
If you didn't do that ever, you might want to do it.

1505
01:45:04.960 --> 01:45:09.320
And really just leaning into who does God say that I am

1506
01:45:09.320 --> 01:45:12.480
and allowing that to shape kind of how you show up

1507
01:45:12.480 --> 01:45:14.320
in relationships and dynamics,

1508
01:45:14.320 --> 01:45:16.960
it's literally a game changer.

1509
01:45:16.960 --> 01:45:20.520
But that happens more and more and more over time

1510
01:45:21.720 --> 01:45:23.160
the more that we heal.

1511
01:45:23.160 --> 01:45:25.340
And so, yeah, you're on a good track.

1512
01:45:25.340 --> 01:45:27.960
So the fact that you're talking about this tonight,

1513
01:45:28.360 --> 01:45:30.440
you've come into the groups and let us coach you,

1514
01:45:30.440 --> 01:45:31.840
you've been teachable.

1515
01:45:31.840 --> 01:45:34.240
Those are all really good things, Stephanie, okay?

1516
01:45:34.240 --> 01:45:35.760
All right, thank you so much, Bethany.

1517
01:45:35.760 --> 01:45:37.680
You're welcome, God bless you.

1518
01:45:37.680 --> 01:45:39.480
Stephanie from Los Angeles.

1519
01:45:39.480 --> 01:45:41.380
And ladies and gentlemen, I know it's getting late.

1520
01:45:41.380 --> 01:45:45.980
I am gonna let Stephanie from LA go, Susan and Kathy,

1521
01:45:45.980 --> 01:45:47.360
hopefully I'll get them all in.

1522
01:45:47.360 --> 01:45:49.680
So we're gonna go a little longer than planned,

1523
01:45:49.680 --> 01:45:51.160
but I do wanna let them talk.

1524
01:45:51.160 --> 01:45:53.240
I won't be able to take anybody else after them.

1525
01:45:53.240 --> 01:45:55.240
So I'm gonna go ahead and let everybody know now

1526
01:45:55.240 --> 01:45:57.080
because sometimes what happens is I keep going

1527
01:45:57.120 --> 01:45:58.440
and then other people put their hands up.

1528
01:45:58.440 --> 01:46:01.200
So I'll finish with the last three of these.

1529
01:46:01.200 --> 01:46:03.840
Stephanie from LA, hi there.

1530
01:46:03.840 --> 01:46:06.800
Hi, tonight's been really good.

1531
01:46:06.800 --> 01:46:08.020
Sorry, I joined late.

1532
01:46:08.020 --> 01:46:10.640
So I missed some of the beginning

1533
01:46:10.640 --> 01:46:15.080
and some of the different types of groupings

1534
01:46:15.080 --> 01:46:18.440
that you were talking about because I was driving also.

1535
01:46:18.440 --> 01:46:21.000
And I'm not 100% how this pertains,

1536
01:46:21.000 --> 01:46:25.040
but I know that I needed to raise my hand

1537
01:46:25.040 --> 01:46:30.040
because I was having different responses

1538
01:46:30.160 --> 01:46:33.720
in my chest as a whole.

1539
01:46:33.720 --> 01:46:38.720
And I'm in a, like in general,

1540
01:46:39.120 --> 01:46:41.920
I'm kind of in a logically good season

1541
01:46:41.920 --> 01:46:44.760
from dating a guy and been talking to him.

1542
01:46:44.760 --> 01:46:48.240
It'll be three months this month and things are going well.

1543
01:46:48.240 --> 01:46:51.140
We're progressing slowly, but steadily.

1544
01:46:51.140 --> 01:46:55.660
Where in the past I've had like speedy, speedy processes.

1545
01:46:55.660 --> 01:46:57.820
So we're building a genuine friendship.

1546
01:46:57.820 --> 01:47:02.620
I'd like for him to turn up the romance volume a little bit,

1547
01:47:02.620 --> 01:47:05.060
but I'm also like knowing that,

1548
01:47:05.060 --> 01:47:07.700
okay, God is also wanting to pace me too.

1549
01:47:08.900 --> 01:47:11.300
I'm in a season where I know I need

1550
01:47:11.300 --> 01:47:14.260
to transition to a new job.

1551
01:47:14.260 --> 01:47:15.620
God was talking to me about that

1552
01:47:15.620 --> 01:47:17.820
at the start of the year too.

1553
01:47:17.820 --> 01:47:20.140
And there's a lot of good transitions

1554
01:47:20.140 --> 01:47:21.380
going on in my church.

1555
01:47:21.380 --> 01:47:22.940
And so I'm getting more involved

1556
01:47:22.940 --> 01:47:25.780
from a worship leading standpoint.

1557
01:47:25.780 --> 01:47:28.020
But this weekend I put in the chat

1558
01:47:28.020 --> 01:47:31.700
that it's my brother's 50th birthday.

1559
01:47:31.700 --> 01:47:34.820
I'll be going to Texas for his birthday party.

1560
01:47:34.820 --> 01:47:38.060
It's a 70s theme party.

1561
01:47:38.060 --> 01:47:41.900
So all should be celebratory and happy,

1562
01:47:41.900 --> 01:47:46.900
but I'm feeling really numb and tightness in my chest.

1563
01:47:47.220 --> 01:47:49.980
And I know that it's because he and I

1564
01:47:49.980 --> 01:47:53.660
have not had a good relationship from when I was little

1565
01:47:53.660 --> 01:47:58.660
and a lot of negative things that happened

1566
01:47:59.100 --> 01:48:02.460
with him towards me, with me being the little sister.

1567
01:48:02.460 --> 01:48:07.460
And what I'm finding also is that

1568
01:48:08.740 --> 01:48:11.100
all of those different things that I named,

1569
01:48:11.100 --> 01:48:13.020
while those are good things,

1570
01:48:13.020 --> 01:48:17.260
I'm finding that I'm withdrawing and disconnecting

1571
01:48:17.260 --> 01:48:20.300
and not wanting and feeling a little numb

1572
01:48:20.300 --> 01:48:24.380
and not wanting to engage with this guy.

1573
01:48:24.380 --> 01:48:29.380
And like, yeah, I'm not wanting to text back.

1574
01:48:29.660 --> 01:48:32.140
I'm not wanting to even engage in text message.

1575
01:48:32.140 --> 01:48:34.820
I'm not wanting to engage with the stuff

1576
01:48:34.820 --> 01:48:36.060
that's going on at church.

1577
01:48:36.060 --> 01:48:38.900
Not wanting to really engage with looking

1578
01:48:38.900 --> 01:48:40.500
for a new job and stuff.

1579
01:48:40.540 --> 01:48:45.540
And it's been progressing as the trip has been approaching.

1580
01:48:47.300 --> 01:48:50.940
And now that the trip is a couple of days away,

1581
01:48:50.940 --> 01:48:53.860
cause I'll be flying on early, early Saturday morning

1582
01:48:53.860 --> 01:48:56.060
for the party later that night,

1583
01:48:56.060 --> 01:48:58.780
I'm finding that I'm feeling more anxious.

1584
01:48:58.780 --> 01:49:03.780
And yeah, and I feel the need to cry,

1585
01:49:06.780 --> 01:49:09.020
but then I'm also suppressing it.

1586
01:49:09.740 --> 01:49:12.500
And I know that as a child,

1587
01:49:12.500 --> 01:49:17.500
I was told not to cry and told to not do those things,

1588
01:49:18.980 --> 01:49:23.980
but then also put in situations where it was tear inducing,

1589
01:49:24.020 --> 01:49:27.780
but then told not to cry and not to express myself

1590
01:49:27.780 --> 01:49:30.300
and that I was too sensitive and all that.

1591
01:49:30.300 --> 01:49:35.300
So I'm having a hard time with processing all of that.

1592
01:49:35.740 --> 01:49:38.940
Yeah, well, I'm glad that, so number one,

1593
01:49:38.940 --> 01:49:42.260
you're super self-aware because I was going to ask you

1594
01:49:42.260 --> 01:49:45.580
if this was increasing this numbness, avoiding text

1595
01:49:45.580 --> 01:49:48.900
and not wanting to go do things you actually enjoy,

1596
01:49:48.900 --> 01:49:50.300
the closer this is getting.

1597
01:49:50.300 --> 01:49:53.260
So when is the last time you talked to your brother?

1598
01:49:54.700 --> 01:49:56.820
We don't verbally talk.

1599
01:49:56.820 --> 01:50:01.820
We have, we don't talk to each other.

1600
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:03.360
He never have really.

1601
01:50:03.360 --> 01:50:12.600
We have a group family text chain that we text within.

1602
01:50:12.600 --> 01:50:15.240
And I replied to his message that when

1603
01:50:15.240 --> 01:50:20.160
he said he got a new job, a second job earlier this week,

1604
01:50:20.160 --> 01:50:22.920
and I replied to that.

1605
01:50:22.920 --> 01:50:27.080
But verbally talk or hearing his voice and vice versa

1606
01:50:27.080 --> 01:50:30.320
was Christmas when I was in Texas.

1607
01:50:30.320 --> 01:50:32.640
OK, so you saw him at Christmas time in Texas.

1608
01:50:32.640 --> 01:50:34.440
Tell us how that went.

1609
01:50:34.440 --> 01:50:36.800
That went fine.

1610
01:50:36.800 --> 01:50:38.840
I was anxious leading up to that,

1611
01:50:38.840 --> 01:50:42.640
but not at the same level as now.

1612
01:50:42.640 --> 01:50:45.400
OK, so tell me, what is the Lord bringing?

1613
01:50:45.400 --> 01:50:48.240
Is the Lord bringing new stuff up regarding your brother

1614
01:50:48.240 --> 01:50:51.000
to process lately?

1615
01:50:51.000 --> 01:50:52.760
That maybe that you worked on before,

1616
01:50:52.760 --> 01:50:54.440
but maybe there's new things coming up

1617
01:50:54.440 --> 01:50:56.640
regarding your brother?

1618
01:50:56.800 --> 01:50:59.200
Yeah, I don't.

1619
01:50:59.200 --> 01:51:01.520
And you don't have to tell us exactly what it is,

1620
01:51:01.520 --> 01:51:03.480
because I want to make sure I don't push you,

1621
01:51:03.480 --> 01:51:05.960
because I can tell even as you're talking,

1622
01:51:05.960 --> 01:51:08.080
I can tell it's sitting right in your throat.

1623
01:51:08.080 --> 01:51:10.560
And so I want to be really loving and cautious,

1624
01:51:10.560 --> 01:51:12.120
not like you can't share, but I just

1625
01:51:12.120 --> 01:51:15.520
don't want you to feel like you have to push yourself either.

1626
01:51:15.520 --> 01:51:19.920
But my question more is just like,

1627
01:51:19.920 --> 01:51:22.880
if there's new stuff coming up that the Lord is having

1628
01:51:22.880 --> 01:51:26.080
you kind of nudging you to process,

1629
01:51:26.080 --> 01:51:28.240
because you saw your brother at Christmas

1630
01:51:28.240 --> 01:51:31.640
and you said it went OK, you did feel anxiousness then,

1631
01:51:31.640 --> 01:51:34.960
but now here you are these months later

1632
01:51:34.960 --> 01:51:38.360
and the anxiety level is higher.

1633
01:51:38.360 --> 01:51:41.320
And so that's what's leading me to wonder

1634
01:51:41.320 --> 01:51:43.680
if there's new information, if you will,

1635
01:51:43.680 --> 01:51:46.160
that the new memories or new things that the Lord

1636
01:51:46.160 --> 01:51:50.040
is revealing for healing.

1637
01:51:50.040 --> 01:51:52.360
I don't.

1638
01:51:52.360 --> 01:51:55.680
The thing is, every time that stuff comes up with my brother,

1639
01:51:55.680 --> 01:52:03.920
I can't think of specific, very many specific situations.

1640
01:52:03.920 --> 01:52:08.640
They end up being just blurs.

1641
01:52:08.640 --> 01:52:12.320
Do you want to go to this party?

1642
01:52:12.320 --> 01:52:14.760
Logically, no.

1643
01:52:14.760 --> 01:52:21.520
But I was feeling my sister-in-law invited me.

1644
01:52:21.520 --> 01:52:25.960
And I'm normally never told about the family stuff.

1645
01:52:25.960 --> 01:52:32.560
I'm the only one in California, and everyone else is in Texas.

1646
01:52:32.560 --> 01:52:38.520
So I'm normally not told about stuff in time

1647
01:52:38.520 --> 01:52:44.000
or communicated to make the trip and make it in.

1648
01:52:44.000 --> 01:52:51.200
And he's been on my Jesus Cares board since I created one,

1649
01:52:51.200 --> 01:52:56.720
because I know that that relationship needs to be better.

1650
01:52:56.720 --> 01:52:58.960
And not just my relationship with him,

1651
01:52:58.960 --> 01:53:02.040
but our whole family's relationship with him,

1652
01:53:02.040 --> 01:53:09.000
because he's had really bad anger issues since he was young

1653
01:53:09.000 --> 01:53:11.520
and would lash out to everyone.

1654
01:53:11.520 --> 01:53:16.520
I was just on as the younger one on the receiving end more of it.

1655
01:53:16.520 --> 01:53:17.600
OK.

1656
01:53:17.600 --> 01:53:23.760
So can you identify any of the specific anxious thoughts

1657
01:53:23.760 --> 01:53:24.760
that are coming up?

1658
01:53:24.760 --> 01:53:28.240
Like, what is it that you're hearing

1659
01:53:28.240 --> 01:53:30.680
that is kind of feeding the anxiety?

1660
01:53:30.680 --> 01:53:34.400
Is it general things like, I don't want to see him?

1661
01:53:34.400 --> 01:53:36.760
Or are there any kind of specific thoughts

1662
01:53:36.760 --> 01:53:39.160
that you're having?

1663
01:53:39.160 --> 01:53:42.040
I don't feel safe.

1664
01:53:42.040 --> 01:53:43.560
So OK.

1665
01:53:43.560 --> 01:53:46.240
So this resonates for me, because one

1666
01:53:46.240 --> 01:53:48.040
of the things you said is, I'm not

1667
01:53:48.040 --> 01:53:50.560
responding to this guy's text that I'm dating,

1668
01:53:50.560 --> 01:53:52.200
and I like him.

1669
01:53:52.200 --> 01:53:55.000
And so I literally, as I was writing down,

1670
01:53:55.000 --> 01:53:59.080
not responding to texts, I wrote down, doesn't feel safe.

1671
01:53:59.080 --> 01:54:01.360
Not with the guy that you're dating,

1672
01:54:01.360 --> 01:54:03.760
but because of the brother and that dynamic

1673
01:54:03.760 --> 01:54:07.360
there, because that date is getting closer.

1674
01:54:07.360 --> 01:54:10.960
Subconsciously, your little girl self is saying,

1675
01:54:10.960 --> 01:54:12.200
I'm not safe, I'm not safe.

1676
01:54:12.200 --> 01:54:14.000
So you're pulling back.

1677
01:54:14.000 --> 01:54:18.600
So that avoidant attachment is kind of showing up right now.

1678
01:54:18.600 --> 01:54:22.160
And so you may want to just verbalize to this guy.

1679
01:54:22.160 --> 01:54:23.960
You don't have to tell him everything,

1680
01:54:23.960 --> 01:54:26.280
but you might just want to verbalize to him.

1681
01:54:26.280 --> 01:54:28.240
Like, I have this trip coming up,

1682
01:54:28.240 --> 01:54:29.840
and you might already know about it.

1683
01:54:29.840 --> 01:54:32.920
And I've had some things with my family

1684
01:54:32.920 --> 01:54:35.880
that maybe I'll tell you about one day.

1685
01:54:35.880 --> 01:54:40.640
But I've noticed that I feel myself pulling back

1686
01:54:40.640 --> 01:54:42.880
a little bit, but I want you to know it's not you.

1687
01:54:42.880 --> 01:54:45.360
Just because if that is a good relationship,

1688
01:54:45.360 --> 01:54:50.440
I just want to encourage you to verbalize a little bit so

1689
01:54:50.440 --> 01:54:54.400
that he can at least know, OK, she's not pulling back

1690
01:54:54.400 --> 01:54:56.320
because of me.

1691
01:54:56.320 --> 01:54:58.760
And then you guys might be able to talk about it more

1692
01:54:58.760 --> 01:55:00.720
another time.

1693
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:10.000
But that way, you know, you can kind of keep moving forward in that relationship versus moving away from that relationship if you really like this guy.

1694
01:55:10.000 --> 01:55:20.000
And then really honoring the I don't feel safe here, you know, I would explore that a little more.

1695
01:55:20.000 --> 01:55:30.000
And remember in heart work, when I talk about how healing happens in layers, I really feel like a new layer is going to happen for you, Stephanie.

1696
01:55:30.000 --> 01:55:39.000
And I don't want you to be afraid of it, but you might you know how you said before, like, you've tried to pray about things, but you don't really remember specific things.

1697
01:55:39.000 --> 01:55:46.000
I want you to know that's normal. It can be very, very normal, especially when there's a lot of very severe trauma.

1698
01:55:46.000 --> 01:55:51.000
So like, I don't remember a large part of my life. And I'm not saying that's normal for everyone.

1699
01:55:51.000 --> 01:55:57.000
I'm just saying it happens because your your brain is protecting you.

1700
01:55:57.000 --> 01:56:05.000
But what can happen as you continue to heal, you know, the Lord might show you a little sliver of something else.

1701
01:56:05.000 --> 01:56:13.000
And with this trip approaching and just kind of all the ways that you're feeling, it just it seems like maybe that's going to happen a little.

1702
01:56:13.000 --> 01:56:18.000
So, you know, and you were able to verbalize, I don't feel safe is the lie that I'm hearing.

1703
01:56:18.000 --> 01:56:23.000
You're not safe or some some version of that. And so I would encourage you to ask the Lord.

1704
01:56:23.000 --> 01:56:31.000
Remember, we ask him really good questions. Lord, as my brother's parties approaching, I'm not feeling safe.

1705
01:56:31.000 --> 01:56:38.000
Can you reveal more to me what you're trying to show me? And just see what he see what he shows you.

1706
01:56:38.000 --> 01:56:47.000
And, you know, do you have someone there that you do feel safe with that you can kind of buddy up with at the party?

1707
01:56:47.000 --> 01:56:57.000
My mom and sister. Okay. All right. I just wanted to make sure you do have kind of a good support system there so that you're not just going into this feeling this way.

1708
01:56:57.000 --> 01:57:01.000
And I do want to just give you permission that even though.

1709
01:57:01.000 --> 01:57:07.000
In the past, they haven't always extended an invitation to you and your sister in law did now.

1710
01:57:07.000 --> 01:57:12.000
If you really feel like this is not the best time for you.

1711
01:57:12.000 --> 01:57:16.000
It is okay.

1712
01:57:16.000 --> 01:57:23.000
Okay. A lot of times we don't allow ourselves to have the out even when we need it.

1713
01:57:23.000 --> 01:57:30.000
I'm not saying don't go. I'm just saying to you that really pray into what is really the best decision for you right now.

1714
01:57:30.000 --> 01:57:38.000
Because it sounds like your life is moving forward. You're really starting to get involved in the worship team. You're dating a guy you really like.

1715
01:57:38.000 --> 01:57:44.000
And it doesn't mean going out there to this party is going to take you backwards. It's actually revealing things for more healing.

1716
01:57:44.000 --> 01:57:53.000
But again, I just want you to know that it is okay to put yourself first and choose what is really best for you.

1717
01:57:54.000 --> 01:58:02.000
But come into the group and let us know if something does come up so we can help you process that a little more.

1718
01:58:02.000 --> 01:58:04.000
Okay. Thank you.

1719
01:58:04.000 --> 01:58:06.000
You're welcome. It's so good to see you.

1720
01:58:06.000 --> 01:58:08.000
Good to see you too.

1721
01:58:08.000 --> 01:58:11.000
Susan Bennett.

1722
01:58:11.000 --> 01:58:16.000
Okay.

1723
01:58:16.000 --> 01:58:18.000
Gosh, I'm next.

1724
01:58:18.000 --> 01:58:20.000
You are next.

1725
01:58:20.000 --> 01:58:26.000
I thought I was the very last and I had somebody else. Okay, gosh, this lighting is horrible. There's a fan.

1726
01:58:26.000 --> 01:58:30.000
It's all right. You'll be fine.

1727
01:58:30.000 --> 01:58:35.000
Yeah. Okay. Gosh, that is just gnarly, that ceiling fan behind me.

1728
01:58:35.000 --> 01:58:39.000
It's all right. We can hear you.

1729
01:58:39.000 --> 01:59:00.000
Okay. Well, I have such timidity whenever I want to do these heart sessions because I feel so often like such a loser.

1730
01:59:00.000 --> 01:59:08.000
So I'm here in Indianapolis with my youngest daughter and she just had her second baby.

1731
01:59:08.000 --> 01:59:12.000
I have 13 grandchildren now.

1732
01:59:12.000 --> 01:59:14.000
Isn't that shocking?

1733
01:59:14.000 --> 01:59:19.000
It is because you're gorgeous.

1734
01:59:19.000 --> 01:59:24.000
But so two of my other daughters came in.

1735
01:59:24.000 --> 01:59:28.000
We had dinner. We spent about three days.

1736
01:59:28.000 --> 01:59:30.000
I had three of my daughters together.

1737
01:59:30.000 --> 01:59:31.000
Yeah.

1738
01:59:31.000 --> 01:59:35.000
And two of them I hadn't seen.

1739
01:59:35.000 --> 01:59:37.000
One was like three years.

1740
01:59:37.000 --> 01:59:41.000
The other one was a year and a half.

1741
01:59:41.000 --> 01:59:44.000
And then grandchildren.

1742
01:59:44.000 --> 01:59:49.000
And I sit there and I just want to have some kind of lovely things to say to them.

1743
01:59:49.000 --> 01:59:58.000
And I'm always catching myself that I'll say the wrong thing and I'll make somebody mad at me.

1744
01:59:58.000 --> 01:59:59.000
And...

1745
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:07.680
And then I don't say really anything much to them.

1746
02:00:07.680 --> 02:00:12.960
And I just, just constantly second-guessing myself.

1747
02:00:12.960 --> 02:00:20.000
And then I think, you know, how do you be, how do you do this when, you know, you still

1748
02:00:20.000 --> 02:00:26.760
have a mother's heart but your children are all married and have their own lives and they

1749
02:00:26.760 --> 02:00:29.880
don't want to be mothered.

1750
02:00:29.880 --> 02:00:40.240
And so I struggle with all of that, finding my place in their lives, wanting to be a part

1751
02:00:40.240 --> 02:00:41.240
of their lives.

1752
02:00:41.240 --> 02:00:48.800
And yet often I don't feel like much of them want me, well, you know what, that's not true.

1753
02:00:48.800 --> 02:01:00.200
I guess that I'm, it just feels very rough sometimes, raw.

1754
02:01:00.200 --> 02:01:17.960
And then I just, having such a broken marriage that I had and then being abandoned

1755
02:01:18.080 --> 02:01:23.200
and raising them all by myself.

1756
02:01:23.200 --> 02:01:25.880
So many mistakes that I made.

1757
02:01:25.880 --> 02:01:30.040
I can't make up for all the lost.

1758
02:01:30.040 --> 02:01:36.480
And then I sometimes I'm just like, I could care less if I ever go on a date again because

1759
02:01:36.480 --> 02:01:39.040
what's the point?

1760
02:01:39.040 --> 02:01:41.840
It's not like I go on dates anyway.

1761
02:01:41.840 --> 02:01:47.680
That doesn't happen.

1762
02:01:48.000 --> 02:01:52.080
I guess I'm just, I don't know what I'm wanting to, I don't know what.

1763
02:01:52.080 --> 02:01:54.520
I'm just tired.

1764
02:01:54.520 --> 02:01:59.280
I'm tired of keeping a stiff upper lip.

1765
02:01:59.280 --> 02:02:01.560
I'm tired of holding it all together.

1766
02:02:01.560 --> 02:02:08.920
I'm tired of trying to, life is great.

1767
02:02:08.920 --> 02:02:12.880
Because people seem to think I have a great life and I'm thinking, what do you see that

1768
02:02:12.880 --> 02:02:24.800
I don't see?

1769
02:02:24.800 --> 02:02:31.960
And I guess what really, I just wish my daughter would once kind of say like, you know, hey,

1770
02:02:31.960 --> 02:02:36.440
thanks mom.

1771
02:02:36.440 --> 02:02:41.480
Thanks for something, you know, some appreciation.

1772
02:02:41.480 --> 02:02:45.960
And then that makes, because I don't really hear that and I'm fighting so hard to be a

1773
02:02:45.960 --> 02:02:49.920
part of their lives and to be a part of my grandchildren that are all over the United

1774
02:02:49.920 --> 02:02:56.800
States and Hawaii.

1775
02:02:56.800 --> 02:03:01.880
I'm trying so hard, but yet it feels like I don't think it really matters.

1776
02:03:01.880 --> 02:03:11.680
So then I just want to go off and vanish.

1777
02:03:11.680 --> 02:03:14.680
Just vanish.

1778
02:03:14.680 --> 02:03:17.360
Never to see any of them again.

1779
02:03:17.360 --> 02:03:20.800
Well, we know that's not good.

1780
02:03:20.800 --> 02:03:25.960
So let's try to figure out in the middle of all this, number one, I'm sorry that you're

1781
02:03:25.960 --> 02:03:32.000
hurting and you're not a loser.

1782
02:03:32.000 --> 02:03:39.360
I've known you for several years and have met you in person, been around you.

1783
02:03:39.360 --> 02:03:44.240
That is not a word I would ever use to describe you.

1784
02:03:44.240 --> 02:03:48.400
I wouldn't use that word to describe any of you all, but just saying.

1785
02:03:48.400 --> 02:03:58.000
So I think where I feel led to just start is just, you know, what record was playing

1786
02:03:58.000 --> 02:04:01.840
in your heart and mind that led you there?

1787
02:04:01.840 --> 02:04:06.040
Because you know, and some of that came out a little bit.

1788
02:04:06.040 --> 02:04:12.880
What can get really happened really fast for all of us is when we're, it kind of makes

1789
02:04:12.880 --> 02:04:20.120
me think of Elijah, you know, after he had just, you know, basically conquered Jezebel

1790
02:04:20.120 --> 02:04:26.000
and called down, you know, fire and it like swallowed up all the water and all that.

1791
02:04:26.000 --> 02:04:30.560
And then, then what happens, y'all, then he gets threatened and he goes out into the wilderness

1792
02:04:30.560 --> 02:04:35.840
and he sits under the tree and he basically is like, I want to die.

1793
02:04:35.840 --> 02:04:36.840
Just take me.

1794
02:04:36.840 --> 02:04:41.040
I'm paraphrasing, but like, you know, and then what does God do?

1795
02:04:41.040 --> 02:04:45.920
God brings him food and stuff under the tree, that Terebinth tree, I think is what it was

1796
02:04:45.920 --> 02:04:51.120
called in the Bible and he rests.

1797
02:04:51.120 --> 02:04:56.800
And so what I'm hearing out of what you're saying is you need to rest because right now

1798
02:04:56.800 --> 02:05:00.080
you're, you're emotion, I'm subconscious.

1799
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:05.360
just the lies and the triggers are kind of triggering each other and then your kids are

1800
02:05:05.360 --> 02:05:09.520
triggering you and you guys are triggering each other is what I really think is happening.

1801
02:05:09.520 --> 02:05:16.800
I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's worth it. And I don't know a whole lot about

1802
02:05:16.800 --> 02:05:21.280
your, I know a little bit about your story and the girls, but just, I don't know the answer to

1803
02:05:21.280 --> 02:05:29.680
this question. If you were to apologize to them, whether you meant to say something that hurt

1804
02:05:29.680 --> 02:05:34.000
their feelings or not, if you said to them, I'm really sorry that what I said hurt your feelings,

1805
02:05:35.360 --> 02:05:44.320
what would the typical response be? And have you, have you ever, even if you don't think

1806
02:05:44.320 --> 02:05:49.520
they should be upset, have you ever said to them, I'm sorry that what I said hurt your feelings?

1807
02:05:50.080 --> 02:05:51.120
Oh, yes.

1808
02:05:51.120 --> 02:05:55.920
Okay. So what, what is the typical response then or reaction, whichever way?

1809
02:05:55.920 --> 02:06:04.080
Well, what's the typical response?

1810
02:06:05.440 --> 02:06:10.960
Like, do they receive your apology or does it tend to escalate from there,

1811
02:06:10.960 --> 02:06:12.880
even though you've already apologized?

1812
02:06:12.880 --> 02:06:16.080
Well, no, they, they receive it. I mean, you know, they're not,

1813
02:06:17.280 --> 02:06:24.080
they're not vicious or mean to me at all. None of them are. It's just that, I guess I just want,

1814
02:06:24.800 --> 02:06:30.960
I just want a deeper connection. And I don't know how, I don't know how to do that.

1815
02:06:32.160 --> 02:06:37.120
And then because I feel inadequate in that, then I'm thinking, well,

1816
02:06:37.120 --> 02:06:41.680
how in the heck do you think you're ever going to be married? And then what's the point?

1817
02:06:42.800 --> 02:06:47.200
Well, what are you inadequate in? Because I heard you just saying you've been spending time with

1818
02:06:47.200 --> 02:06:51.680
your daughters. You're there because, you know, your other daughter just had another baby.

1819
02:06:52.480 --> 02:06:56.560
It sounds like you're trying to be really present. You're spending time with them,

1820
02:06:57.200 --> 02:07:02.960
you know? So what is it that you, what is the lie that you're hearing that you're inadequate?

1821
02:07:02.960 --> 02:07:03.840
Like, what is that?

1822
02:07:04.640 --> 02:07:12.000
Well, I, I guess it's just that, oh, inadequate because,

1823
02:07:24.320 --> 02:07:30.560
like, I wouldn't say the wrong thing. Well, you know, I mean, I did this evening because I

1824
02:07:30.640 --> 02:07:35.200
commented on my daughter having Campbell's soup in the house and she's feeding that to her baby.

1825
02:07:35.200 --> 02:07:40.320
And I'm like, well, you don't buy Campbell's soup, darling. She goes, I was waiting, mom,

1826
02:07:40.320 --> 02:07:44.960
for when you were going to say something about the Campbell's soup. I'm like, well, darling,

1827
02:07:46.240 --> 02:07:50.400
it's garbage. Anyway, so I said, okay, I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.

1828
02:07:53.600 --> 02:07:55.760
That kind of thing. I just hate when, uh.

1829
02:07:56.160 --> 02:08:04.560
What if, what if you practice not commenting on what kind of food or whatever they're,

1830
02:08:05.360 --> 02:08:14.160
I'm just saying like on the flip side, y'all, I grew up on some Campbell's soup and I don't know,

1831
02:08:14.160 --> 02:08:22.160
I think I'm doing okay. I'm not saying I would necessarily choose to buy that for my kids today,

1832
02:08:22.880 --> 02:08:30.880
but here's the thing. Sometimes people just want to be like, like my girls.

1833
02:08:32.160 --> 02:08:35.760
My girls are doing several things that I don't approve of right now,

1834
02:08:37.200 --> 02:08:42.960
but they don't hear a lot of positive things from their biological parents very often.

1835
02:08:43.680 --> 02:08:50.880
And so they know what I believe regarding, you know, so both of them are living with

1836
02:08:50.880 --> 02:08:56.000
boyfriends. So I'll just kind of bring that in that they're not married to, of course, boyfriends.

1837
02:08:56.720 --> 02:08:59.600
They know what I believe. I don't need to keep telling them what I believe,

1838
02:09:00.960 --> 02:09:05.840
but what I can do right now is show up and show them how much I love them and be a consistent

1839
02:09:05.840 --> 02:09:11.920
representation of the love of Christ and, you know, show up and invest in time with them

1840
02:09:12.560 --> 02:09:21.200
and, and all the things. And so our kids sometimes just want us to not tell them what they're doing

1841
02:09:21.200 --> 02:09:27.680
wrong. You know what I'm saying? Or not pointing out those things. And so if we, like for me,

1842
02:09:28.400 --> 02:09:34.640
if I have that tendency showing up in me, I've had to really choose to look at where that's coming

1843
02:09:34.640 --> 02:09:41.280
from. Is it coming from, you know, it can from a genuine place. You don't want your grandkid to

1844
02:09:41.280 --> 02:09:46.800
have something that's not healthy for them. Or is it coming from something else? Is it a learned

1845
02:09:46.800 --> 02:09:52.320
behavior? You know, we have these inherited behaviors that we pick up. Is it coming from,

1846
02:09:53.360 --> 02:09:59.840
you know, something else? And it doesn't make you an inadequate mom. Okay.

1847
02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:06.680
That's not even true, but what it does reveal is maybe some areas that God might be revealing

1848
02:10:06.680 --> 02:10:10.760
to maybe change your approach with them.

1849
02:10:10.760 --> 02:10:17.680
And so I would encourage you to look at what led you to believe—I mean, inadequate is

1850
02:10:17.680 --> 02:10:23.840
a really big statement to make from you mentioning something to your daughter about Campbell's

1851
02:10:23.840 --> 02:10:28.800
Soup and her saying, I was waiting for you to say that and clearly was upset.

1852
02:10:28.800 --> 02:10:36.860
So there feels like a big gap for me in that, like from that to inadequate.

1853
02:10:36.860 --> 02:10:40.640
So there has to be a lot of other lies in this space.

1854
02:10:40.640 --> 02:10:43.280
Does that make sense?

1855
02:10:43.280 --> 02:10:48.180
To get you to inadequate, what were the other lies that you've been believing to get you

1856
02:10:48.180 --> 02:10:49.680
all the way over there?

1857
02:10:49.680 --> 02:10:54.160
And they were probably there long before tonight.

1858
02:10:54.160 --> 02:10:58.480
And so I would encourage you just to sit down.

1859
02:10:58.480 --> 02:11:04.720
I do this, and I don't know that you would have done this back in the day, but one of

1860
02:11:04.720 --> 02:11:12.120
the things I have ladies do is sit down and literally write out who God says they are,

1861
02:11:12.120 --> 02:11:17.160
and then if there's anything negative that comes up, that they would write the negative

1862
02:11:17.160 --> 02:11:22.400
thing down on a separate sheet of paper and cross it out, and then ask God to show them

1863
02:11:22.400 --> 02:11:25.520
what the truth is to replace that lie.

1864
02:11:25.560 --> 02:11:33.280
And just doing that activity alone, and specifically just around your role and personality as a

1865
02:11:33.280 --> 02:11:40.400
mom, because it sounds like a lot of this is rooted in tonight, that the enemy is trying

1866
02:11:40.400 --> 02:11:45.540
to convince you that you're an inadequate mom, because you even said you were abandoned,

1867
02:11:45.540 --> 02:11:48.720
you raised them on your own, you were doing the best you could.

1868
02:11:48.720 --> 02:11:57.840
So to me, that's a lot of language that there's some inner things where you, along the way,

1869
02:11:57.840 --> 02:12:01.440
believe the lie that you were inadequate, and the enemy is using this thing tonight

1870
02:12:01.440 --> 02:12:04.060
to kind of push on that.

1871
02:12:04.060 --> 02:12:09.560
But it took you all the way back to being abandoned and raising them by yourself.

1872
02:12:09.560 --> 02:12:15.080
And so let's get to the root of the inadequate, where that came in.

1873
02:12:15.440 --> 02:12:20.240
When the enemy first started talking to you, telling you you were not a good enough mom,

1874
02:12:20.240 --> 02:12:21.240
what were the things that happened?

1875
02:12:21.240 --> 02:12:27.600
I had a lady yesterday tell me that, and people, please don't judge when I tell you this story,

1876
02:12:27.600 --> 02:12:28.600
okay?

1877
02:12:28.600 --> 02:12:31.120
People make all kinds of mistakes.

1878
02:12:31.120 --> 02:12:40.400
She was going through a divorce, and had her little son with her, went to the store, the

1879
02:12:40.400 --> 02:12:45.120
windows were down, but she forgot him in the car.

1880
02:12:45.120 --> 02:12:49.600
And when she came back out of the store, because she had a bunch of things going on, she literally

1881
02:12:49.600 --> 02:12:50.680
went in for two things.

1882
02:12:50.680 --> 02:12:53.680
She came back out of the store, and she said there were all these crowds of people, and

1883
02:12:53.680 --> 02:12:55.560
they were like yelling, who would do that?

1884
02:12:55.560 --> 02:12:56.560
Who would do that?

1885
02:12:56.560 --> 02:12:59.720
You know, because again, of course, a lot of people are going to be enraged about that

1886
02:12:59.720 --> 02:13:01.280
kind of thing, right?

1887
02:13:01.280 --> 02:13:04.840
Well, she was terrified to go back to her car, but she's like, oh my gosh, she like

1888
02:13:04.840 --> 02:13:07.640
realized what she did.

1889
02:13:07.640 --> 02:13:13.800
And she said people were screaming and yelling at her about how bad of a mom she was.

1890
02:13:13.800 --> 02:13:19.840
And the reason I bring this up is not that you did anything like that, but I was sitting

1891
02:13:19.840 --> 02:13:24.240
there, and this is someone that I would say I'm pretty close to in our church.

1892
02:13:24.240 --> 02:13:28.340
I never knew that happened, but she shared that with me this week.

1893
02:13:28.340 --> 02:13:32.560
And I just sat there thinking, man, what a deep trauma that would be.

1894
02:13:32.560 --> 02:13:37.460
Like as a mom, you know, like when you're doing the best you can, he or she is a single

1895
02:13:37.460 --> 02:13:43.600
mom going through a divorce because this person she was married to cheated on her, like very

1896
02:13:43.600 --> 02:13:45.720
distraught, having to run to the store.

1897
02:13:45.720 --> 02:13:49.160
There were several other dynamics that were going on at the same time.

1898
02:13:49.160 --> 02:13:52.440
Not that that makes it okay, you all, for people to make mistakes like that.

1899
02:13:52.440 --> 02:13:53.440
But here's the thing.

1900
02:13:53.440 --> 02:14:00.520
A lot of us would judge that harshly, critically, but I'm saying that tonight as I'm talking

1901
02:14:00.520 --> 02:14:08.040
to you, because sometimes there's other things that we do as parents or in situations where

1902
02:14:08.040 --> 02:14:15.120
we felt criticized by other people or harshly judged, or even ourselves judging ourselves

1903
02:14:15.120 --> 02:14:17.760
internally.

1904
02:14:17.760 --> 02:14:21.080
And so I feel like tonight that's kind of what the Lord is kind of just keeps nudging

1905
02:14:21.080 --> 02:14:28.120
me towards for you, is that really letting go of that harsh inner critic towards yourself

1906
02:14:28.720 --> 02:14:34.300
and allowing yourself to heal and really praying to get to the root of the lie that I'm inadequate

1907
02:14:34.300 --> 02:14:37.320
as a mother.

1908
02:14:37.320 --> 02:14:41.460
Because that's showing up too when you're in those situations with your kids.

1909
02:14:41.460 --> 02:14:44.840
Just like I was saying, I can't remember who I was talking to earlier, but you know, if

1910
02:14:44.840 --> 02:14:48.840
we believe a certain way, I think it was Shanna, if we're like, oh, I don't even want to be

1911
02:14:48.840 --> 02:14:52.960
on these apps or, oh, this never goes well with my daughters, everything I say, they're

1912
02:14:52.960 --> 02:14:53.960
never happy.

1913
02:14:54.160 --> 02:14:58.360
Like, and we show up every single time like that, well, that's literally what we're going

1914
02:14:58.360 --> 02:15:00.040
to be portraying.

1915
02:15:00.000 --> 02:15:06.800
out to them too. Whether we mean to or not. And so definitely lean into some of that stuff,

1916
02:15:06.800 --> 02:15:11.440
Susan, because I think, you know, again, as I was saying, even to Stephanie, like the

1917
02:15:11.440 --> 02:15:18.760
Lord heals in layers. I think this is another opportunity for you to heal. And it sounds

1918
02:15:18.760 --> 02:15:23.840
like your hope tank is pretty low right now. And so I would highly recommend even going

1919
02:15:23.840 --> 02:15:29.720
into the last year single app under the courses tab and just go back into the heart work and

1920
02:15:29.720 --> 02:15:34.240
listen to the supernatural hope session. But I would encourage you to do a new hope

1921
02:15:34.240 --> 02:15:38.440
scale sheet before you do that, because I think you need to see kind of where your hope

1922
02:15:38.440 --> 02:15:44.400
tank is at right now. Let the Lord minister to you regarding your hope. And that can doesn't

1923
02:15:44.400 --> 02:15:49.400
even necessarily have to be regarding a relationship right now. Your hope in general sounds kind

1924
02:15:49.400 --> 02:15:53.560
of low. And that might just be some other dynamics of things going on that, you know,

1925
02:15:53.560 --> 02:15:57.780
maybe we don't know about. But I think God wants to pour back into that for you and fill

1926
02:15:57.780 --> 02:16:04.580
you back up. And so do do some good things to love on yourself right now to thank you

1927
02:16:04.580 --> 02:16:10.140
so much for sharing. And we look forward to hearing kind of how that goes. And we'll be

1928
02:16:10.140 --> 02:16:15.900
praying for you as you are continuing to visit there. I'm assuming I am going to go to Kathy

1929
02:16:15.900 --> 02:16:20.700
just because I'm at 1015. And I want to try to start. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

1930
02:16:20.700 --> 02:16:39.580
Thank you for sharing and being here tonight. Kathy, go ahead. Hey, Kathy. Not sure if you're

1931
02:16:39.580 --> 02:16:54.580
there still. All right. I'm gonna guess maybe she's away from her computer right now. And

1932
02:16:54.860 --> 02:16:58.620
we're gonna go ahead and close. I hope this has been a blessing to y'all tonight. If you

1933
02:16:58.620 --> 02:17:02.980
have questions about some of this, you know, even as I've been building some of the Oh,

1934
02:17:02.980 --> 02:17:19.820
you're here. Do you still want to share? Oh, if you hover over I don't know if you're on a

1935
02:17:19.820 --> 02:17:24.420
phone or computer. But if you kind of tap on the bottom of your screen, you should see

1936
02:17:24.420 --> 02:17:29.139
the audio button there. Yeah. So if you tap on the bottom of your phone, you should see

1937
02:17:29.139 --> 02:17:36.180
the audio button and then you just tap on that to unmute. Okay, here. Now. Yeah, there

1938
02:17:36.180 --> 02:17:44.260
you go. Oh, my God. Okay, I can't see myself or nothing. That's okay. I can hear you. This

1939
02:17:44.260 --> 02:17:53.660
is crazy. Um, okay. I know it's really late. I'm way up here in Canada. Um, so I have a

1940
02:17:53.660 --> 02:17:59.100
few a few things. So we don't have to go through all of them. But for one thing is I'm quite

1941
02:17:59.100 --> 02:18:05.780
dissatisfied with the city Calgary with the Calgary. What do you call it city city single

1942
02:18:05.780 --> 02:18:10.299
thing? Because I tried to connect with other women that are my age and I just never get

1943
02:18:10.299 --> 02:18:16.100
a response. Well, I will tell you we're not doing a lot with the single cities right now.

1944
02:18:16.139 --> 02:18:22.780
Um, so I'm sorry to hear that you're not happy with that. Um, but I know that also, some

1945
02:18:22.780 --> 02:18:27.580
people are really spread out up there. But I know that some of our people have been getting

1946
02:18:27.580 --> 02:18:32.139
together and I, I can't remember if it was our Calgary one or the other group in Canada,

1947
02:18:32.139 --> 02:18:38.780
but the best that you can do is try to connect. But the Facebook algorithms just if you guys

1948
02:18:38.780 --> 02:18:44.700
don't know this stuff, Facebook algorithms also don't always cause everybody in the group

1949
02:18:44.700 --> 02:18:49.940
even when I do our posts for our events and stuff. And even if I tag it, it literally

1950
02:18:49.940 --> 02:18:56.420
says, I'm talking, everyone will not get a notification of this post. Kind of like

1951
02:18:56.420 --> 02:19:03.379
FYI, not everybody that you tag is going to see this. So okay, sometimes it's that. But

1952
02:19:03.420 --> 02:19:09.500
you know, all I can say is do your best and we'll see what happens in the future. Maybe

1953
02:19:09.500 --> 02:19:16.100
people will connect. But do you have a heartwork question about tonight? Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes,

1954
02:19:16.100 --> 02:19:22.660
I do. Actually. The other thing before that is you were at you were commending how two of the

1955
02:19:22.660 --> 02:19:28.139
sisters got together. And we're sharing and you're encouraging us to be a support to each

1956
02:19:28.139 --> 02:19:29.780
other. Is that true? Is that true?

1957
02:19:30.860 --> 02:19:36.500
Yeah, no. Yeah, you guys can be friends. You guys can meet each other and get to know each

1958
02:19:36.500 --> 02:19:37.379
other. Of course.

1959
02:19:37.620 --> 02:19:42.540
Okay, because this gal who was just talking and I don't want to be a fixer because you just

1960
02:19:42.540 --> 02:19:43.780
said don't be a fixer.

1961
02:19:44.340 --> 02:19:47.700
We don't Yeah, I don't I don't need you to coach anybody if that's

1962
02:19:47.700 --> 02:19:51.140
no, no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to coach anybody. I'm not coming from the

1963
02:19:51.140 --> 02:19:56.100
perspective. I'm just guarding my own heart. But I can definitely resonate with Susan because

1964
02:19:56.300 --> 02:20:00.060
when when we get older, and my situation was to the point

1965
02:20:00.000 --> 02:20:03.240
that this last year in my ladies Bible study,

1966
02:20:03.240 --> 02:20:04.760
I told all the ladies in my group

1967
02:20:04.760 --> 02:20:08.240
that I was hoping I could get cancer so I could die.

1968
02:20:08.240 --> 02:20:10.320
They thought that was a really bad solution

1969
02:20:10.320 --> 02:20:11.800
and they prayed for me.

1970
02:20:11.800 --> 02:20:13.720
And since the time they've been praying for me,

1971
02:20:13.720 --> 02:20:15.100
my heart's been healing.

1972
02:20:16.320 --> 02:20:17.240
That's awesome.

1973
02:20:18.440 --> 02:20:22.880
Yes, and the other thing is that I've realized

1974
02:20:22.880 --> 02:20:24.880
the only way my father tried to connect with me

1975
02:20:24.880 --> 02:20:28.440
is by throwing questions at me that weren't even related.

1976
02:20:28.440 --> 02:20:31.000
And I noticed I have a hard time connecting with my kids.

1977
02:20:31.000 --> 02:20:32.880
And when our kids are growing up,

1978
02:20:32.880 --> 02:20:35.800
we wanna connect with them and we just don't know how

1979
02:20:35.800 --> 02:20:38.080
because we've been parented a certain way

1980
02:20:38.080 --> 02:20:39.960
and we've learned from our parents

1981
02:20:39.960 --> 02:20:42.240
and we wanna connect with them.

1982
02:20:42.240 --> 02:20:45.760
And the way that we try to,

1983
02:20:45.760 --> 02:20:46.960
we wanna connect with them.

1984
02:20:46.960 --> 02:20:48.400
And I noticed that with my daughter,

1985
02:20:48.400 --> 02:20:50.160
sometimes I'm like being a mother

1986
02:20:50.160 --> 02:20:51.720
and she doesn't need a mother anymore.

1987
02:20:51.720 --> 02:20:54.260
And my motive to that is wanting to connect,

1988
02:20:54.260 --> 02:20:55.820
but I don't have any control

1989
02:20:55.820 --> 02:20:57.840
of whether she wants to connect with me or not.

1990
02:20:57.840 --> 02:20:59.320
That's not in my control.

1991
02:21:01.040 --> 02:21:03.280
Right, so what is your, yep.

1992
02:21:03.280 --> 02:21:05.600
So what is your heartwork question for you?

1993
02:21:05.600 --> 02:21:07.840
My heartwork question is,

1994
02:21:07.840 --> 02:21:11.040
I'm going to, I'm wondering when,

1995
02:21:11.040 --> 02:21:12.800
in terms of like we're also talking

1996
02:21:12.800 --> 02:21:14.560
in the context of dating, right?

1997
02:21:14.560 --> 02:21:15.800
Meeting somebody?

1998
02:21:15.800 --> 02:21:17.160
Yep.

1999
02:21:17.160 --> 02:21:22.160
Okay, so when is it appropriate to use humor and stuff?

2000
02:21:23.200 --> 02:21:26.040
And I'm meeting a person who we've been texting with,

2001
02:21:26.040 --> 02:21:27.280
but we've never met.

2002
02:21:28.080 --> 02:21:33.000
And I sometimes have a tendency to use humor,

2003
02:21:33.000 --> 02:21:35.000
I think like too soon.

2004
02:21:40.400 --> 02:21:41.640
Well, what kind of humor?

2005
02:21:41.640 --> 02:21:43.400
Like, what does that mean?

2006
02:21:44.660 --> 02:21:47.000
Okay, like for example, I don't know,

2007
02:21:47.000 --> 02:21:48.480
maybe this isn't even appropriate.

2008
02:21:48.480 --> 02:21:52.160
He was texting to me and he's gonna be passing by my town.

2009
02:21:52.160 --> 02:21:53.800
I do not do mornings well.

2010
02:21:53.800 --> 02:21:56.600
So I asked him, like he wants to have coffee with me

2011
02:21:56.600 --> 02:21:58.200
and think that's great.

2012
02:21:58.200 --> 02:22:03.040
And so then I texted back and I said,

2013
02:22:03.040 --> 02:22:06.120
I hope that like, this isn't gonna be a daybreak.

2014
02:22:06.120 --> 02:22:11.120
And he wrote back, daybreak would be when the sun comes up.

2015
02:22:11.240 --> 02:22:12.720
Okay.

2016
02:22:12.720 --> 02:22:14.040
And so he wrote back, no,

2017
02:22:14.040 --> 02:22:17.200
he says it'll be around lunchtime, I'll be there.

2018
02:22:17.200 --> 02:22:19.360
So then I wrote back, I says, oh, that's great.

2019
02:22:19.360 --> 02:22:20.440
I'll be up by then.

2020
02:22:24.200 --> 02:22:25.040
Okay.

2021
02:22:25.040 --> 02:22:26.040
Is that inappropriate?

2022
02:22:27.600 --> 02:22:30.360
I don't think so, Kathy.

2023
02:22:30.360 --> 02:22:34.920
I mean, but maybe, did he respond or no?

2024
02:22:34.920 --> 02:22:38.920
No, he doesn't joke back, but he's a nice guy.

2025
02:22:38.920 --> 02:22:41.840
He might not know what to say because like, okay.

2026
02:22:41.840 --> 02:22:45.120
So what it makes me think of, I do think it's funny,

2027
02:22:45.120 --> 02:22:48.680
but I think it's funny from the perspective of like,

2028
02:22:48.680 --> 02:22:52.680
cause in my head, if somebody said that to me,

2029
02:22:52.680 --> 02:22:55.880
I would be thinking, well, how long do you sleep in?

2030
02:22:56.640 --> 02:22:59.160
You know, and if he's a morning riser,

2031
02:22:59.160 --> 02:23:02.280
he might be like, oh, I don't know about this.

2032
02:23:02.280 --> 02:23:04.440
This lady sleeps in really a long time.

2033
02:23:04.440 --> 02:23:06.240
You know, who knows what this guy could be thinking.

2034
02:23:06.240 --> 02:23:10.160
But yeah, I think one of the things that's coming up

2035
02:23:10.160 --> 02:23:15.160
is that I think not in this regard per se,

2036
02:23:15.960 --> 02:23:18.920
but on the self-preservation list,

2037
02:23:19.760 --> 02:23:24.760
I think humor is on there as a self-preservation technique.

2038
02:23:25.760 --> 02:23:29.240
If I'm not mistaken, I'd have to look at it again.

2039
02:23:29.240 --> 02:23:33.640
Because to me, again, I don't even,

2040
02:23:33.640 --> 02:23:36.000
I get why you're saying it's humor,

2041
02:23:36.000 --> 02:23:38.560
but I almost don't know if I would call it humor

2042
02:23:38.560 --> 02:23:43.560
because I feel like it could be confusing right then.

2043
02:23:44.680 --> 02:23:47.160
Because to me, when someone doesn't know you,

2044
02:23:47.160 --> 02:23:48.440
they don't know really,

2045
02:23:48.440 --> 02:23:50.120
they don't even know your sense of humor.

2046
02:23:50.120 --> 02:23:53.440
And so even me, like I know you a little bit,

2047
02:23:53.560 --> 02:23:55.400
Cathy, I don't know you know you.

2048
02:23:55.400 --> 02:23:57.840
And so if you said that to me in a text exchange,

2049
02:23:57.840 --> 02:24:02.160
I might be like, oh, okay, well, maybe you'll be up by then.

2050
02:24:02.160 --> 02:24:03.760
How long does she really sleep?

2051
02:24:03.760 --> 02:24:05.880
Yeah, I think this would be more appropriate

2052
02:24:05.880 --> 02:24:08.120
within my own circle of friends,

2053
02:24:08.120 --> 02:24:10.360
because they know me.

2054
02:24:10.360 --> 02:24:11.840
Yes, 100%.

2055
02:24:11.840 --> 02:24:14.200
And Nora put in the chat, and I love that she said this,

2056
02:24:14.200 --> 02:24:16.360
humor is hard to translate over text too.

2057
02:24:16.360 --> 02:24:18.400
I totally agree with that.

2058
02:24:18.400 --> 02:24:23.400
So like, for example, you know, Brian's dad jokes,

2059
02:24:23.480 --> 02:24:26.480
in person, were better.

2060
02:24:26.480 --> 02:24:28.480
Now that we've been married longer,

2061
02:24:28.480 --> 02:24:31.080
sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're not.

2062
02:24:31.080 --> 02:24:32.240
You know, but like,

2063
02:24:32.240 --> 02:24:35.880
if he had just constantly been sending me jokes,

2064
02:24:35.880 --> 02:24:37.480
it might've been off-putting for me

2065
02:24:37.480 --> 02:24:39.160
because I'm just wanting to get to know him

2066
02:24:39.160 --> 02:24:41.040
or set up a date, you know?

2067
02:24:41.040 --> 02:24:42.520
So that guy might've just wanted

2068
02:24:42.520 --> 02:24:45.240
just to actually like make plans

2069
02:24:45.240 --> 02:24:47.000
and let it be a little more clear.

2070
02:24:47.000 --> 02:24:50.560
And so I would say just kind of hold,

2071
02:24:50.560 --> 02:24:52.480
it doesn't mean don't be who you are,

2072
02:24:52.480 --> 02:24:55.760
but hold that until people get to know you a little better.

2073
02:24:55.760 --> 02:24:58.160
And then maybe you can kind of joke around.

2074
02:24:58.160 --> 02:24:59.840
If they're a jokey kind of person,

2075
02:25:00.000 --> 02:25:04.880
they're not super jokey, then they might even kind of feel like it's over the top.

2076
02:25:05.440 --> 02:25:10.700
And so you might be like, causing the door to close sooner than it needs to just

2077
02:25:10.700 --> 02:25:14.760
because they're not sure how to interpret what you're saying. And yeah, yeah, give

2078
02:25:14.760 --> 02:25:15.600
that a try.

2079
02:25:16.360 --> 02:25:21.440
Yeah, yes. Because what I do is like, the texting has been really good. He's been

2080
02:25:21.440 --> 02:25:27.040
complimenting me. He's been saying he felt complimented by me. And so I feel I

2081
02:25:27.040 --> 02:25:36.080
have this excitement connection, but really, it hasn't been verified. And then

2082
02:25:36.080 --> 02:25:40.600
I feel so comfortable with them. And then I have regrets after because it was

2083
02:25:40.600 --> 02:25:44.040
premature, because I forget that they don't really know me. And I'm just

2084
02:25:44.040 --> 02:25:49.200
assuming certain things. And I need to hold back because otherwise, I have what

2085
02:25:49.200 --> 02:25:55.560
Renee, this other gal who does the Yeah, yeah, Renee, he has, he calls it an

2086
02:25:55.560 --> 02:26:01.400
emotional over hangover, because you regret. And I think, I don't know what's

2087
02:26:01.400 --> 02:26:07.160
making me do this. I don't know what's making me do this. But I think it's

2088
02:26:07.280 --> 02:26:14.040
leading me into situations where then afterwards, I have regret. And I felt too

2089
02:26:14.040 --> 02:26:16.280
comfortable too soon. I don't know.

2090
02:26:16.920 --> 02:26:24.320
Yeah. So it makes me also think of to, um, you know, sometimes people kind of

2091
02:26:24.320 --> 02:26:29.120
fantasize, they get too far down the road, when the relationship is not at the

2092
02:26:29.120 --> 02:26:34.640
level to maintain kind of that kind of thinking, or, you know, people aren't

2093
02:26:34.640 --> 02:26:39.760
pacing themselves really. So I feel like that's where some of the practice could

2094
02:26:39.760 --> 02:26:46.640
come into play for you is just really pacing. You're talking about and when and

2095
02:26:46.640 --> 02:26:51.720
kind of when you allow certain parts of your character and things to come out.

2096
02:26:52.000 --> 02:26:56.960
And again, like having an in person interaction is going to be different than,

2097
02:26:57.240 --> 02:27:03.480
you know, having a text exchange. But, you know, typically, you want to just get to

2098
02:27:03.480 --> 02:27:10.120
know more of each other's likes, dislikes, you know, a little bit about each other's

2099
02:27:10.120 --> 02:27:15.920
story. But the humor, again, the self preservation techniques, remember that

2100
02:27:15.920 --> 02:27:20.960
those show up when we're we're trying to prevent ourselves from experiencing

2101
02:27:20.960 --> 02:27:22.000
something negative.

2102
02:27:22.400 --> 02:27:26.920
What is self preservation technique? What is can you explain that little?

2103
02:27:27.200 --> 02:27:35.960
Yeah, so in in the heart work, um, in I think, maybe the last week, potentially,

2104
02:27:35.960 --> 02:27:40.280
for sure, it's in the welcome area. If you print out those self preservation

2105
02:27:40.280 --> 02:27:43.880
techniques list, you're probably going to want to read over those again. But it's

2106
02:27:43.880 --> 02:27:51.120
self preservation technique is something that we do to try to prevent loss or pain

2107
02:27:51.440 --> 02:27:58.600
or negative circumstances from happening. And so sometimes people as children will

2108
02:27:58.600 --> 02:28:03.000
learn to try to use humor and other things too. But I'm going to use humor

2109
02:28:03.000 --> 02:28:09.120
because that's what you're mentioning tonight, to try to prevent, like the

2110
02:28:09.160 --> 02:28:13.760
opposite of what they think is going to happen. And sometimes even on dates when

2111
02:28:13.760 --> 02:28:17.240
people will kind of jab at somebody, and then they'll be like, Oh, I'm just

2112
02:28:17.240 --> 02:28:23.040
joking. Well, are you really? Or are you just being sarcastic and saying

2113
02:28:23.040 --> 02:28:28.240
something that you actually mean? You know, and so those are the kind of things

2114
02:28:28.240 --> 02:28:32.720
that you want to ask the Lord to reveal, like even like, Lord, when was the first

2115
02:28:32.720 --> 02:28:39.160
time I started using humor? Too early in a conversation to try to like cover

2116
02:28:39.160 --> 02:28:44.440
something else up? Or did I get afraid of losing some kind of relationship or

2117
02:28:44.440 --> 02:28:49.520
dynamic or, you know, started doing humor or you mentioned to me, as you were

2118
02:28:49.520 --> 02:28:56.160
talking, my father threw a lot of questions at me. Maybe humor was your way

2119
02:28:56.160 --> 02:29:01.440
to deflect some of what was happening on, like happening in your home, you know,

2120
02:29:01.440 --> 02:29:05.880
but that's where you're going to have to pray into and ask the Lord, is there any

2121
02:29:05.880 --> 02:29:11.840
time that I'm using humor to hide behind what I'm truly feeling or

2122
02:29:11.840 --> 02:29:12.520
thinking?

2123
02:29:13.840 --> 02:29:18.320
Yeah, in my case was my, my parents relationship, there was never any humor

2124
02:29:18.320 --> 02:29:21.800
because it's just a child parent relationship all the way through it

2125
02:29:21.800 --> 02:29:27.320
never got to an adult to adult relationship. But you know, I think I'm

2126
02:29:27.320 --> 02:29:30.400
feeling kind of anxious about this meeting, and I'm scared I'm going to

2127
02:29:30.400 --> 02:29:36.520
blotch it up. So I'm feeling anxious at this meeting about this meeting that's

2128
02:29:36.520 --> 02:29:37.640
happening on Saturday.

2129
02:29:38.520 --> 02:29:43.000
All right, so you just described it and kind of labeled it they're anxious, and

2130
02:29:43.240 --> 02:29:46.160
you're afraid you're going to mess it up. And so what's happening is you're

2131
02:29:46.160 --> 02:29:50.560
getting nervous, and then you're maybe just messaging something you don't even

2132
02:29:50.560 --> 02:29:56.240
mean to say. And so maybe just kind of not overanalyze, but maybe just instead

2133
02:29:56.240 --> 02:30:00.120
of going with humor, let's just kind of make the plans and keep it simple.

2134
02:30:00.000 --> 02:30:07.000
and lighthearted and then ask the Lord what's really causing the anxiousness and process that out with him.

2135
02:30:07.000 --> 02:30:10.000
With God, not the guy.

2136
02:30:10.000 --> 02:30:13.000
Oh yeah, not the guy, with God.

2137
02:30:13.000 --> 02:30:15.000
Definitely with the Lord, okay?

2138
02:30:15.000 --> 02:30:16.000
Thank you.

2139
02:30:16.000 --> 02:30:19.000
Alright, I'm going to go ahead and pray us out everyone.

2140
02:30:19.000 --> 02:30:22.000
It's been a long night. It's been so good to have you here.

2141
02:30:22.000 --> 02:30:25.000
Father, thank you so much for everything that you've been doing in us.

2142
02:30:25.000 --> 02:30:28.000
God, I pray that you would just continue to give us more clarity.

2143
02:30:28.000 --> 02:30:31.000
Thank you for new layers of healing and revelation.

2144
02:30:31.000 --> 02:30:35.000
Lord, I thank you that you'll help us to see ourselves more and more from your perspective.

2145
02:30:35.000 --> 02:30:40.000
God, I thank you for grace when we are in situations and dynamics.

2146
02:30:40.000 --> 02:30:44.000
And revelation, help us to know when the counterfeit identities show up.

2147
02:30:44.000 --> 02:30:49.000
Help us to know when lies of the past and wounds are still holding us back.

2148
02:30:49.000 --> 02:30:57.000
I thank you for continuing just to place the balm of Gilead upon our minds, our bodies, our spirits, our souls, and even our emotions.

2149
02:30:57.000 --> 02:31:04.000
Lord, I thank you for healing us from the inside out in every single way, making us completely whole in Jesus' name.

2150
02:31:04.000 --> 02:31:07.000
God bless you all. Have a good night everyone. Bye-bye.

2151
02:31:07.000 --> 02:31:08.000
Thank you.

2152
02:31:08.000 --> 02:31:09.000
Thank you.