WEBVTT

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All right, hey everyone, we're recording, okay, and I want to make sure the transcripts

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are on too because some of you guys might need to see some transcripts, read through

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some things.

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I'm going to use as many tools as I can to just really condense your time.

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I know we have really busy lives, you guys, all of us have busy lives, and you're committing

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to 90 days of two days of coaching a week, and then obviously homework in between, and

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then for some of you, lots of one-on-one, and for some of you, less one-on-one, but

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still one-on-one, and I'm going to tell you, I'm a pretty intense one-on-one coach.

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So if you thought this was going to be a little walk through the park, you're wrong, unless

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the park is like Compton.

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If you're like in South Compton, maybe walking through the park, but we might get a little

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gangsta because we definitely need to get to the root of why you don't have the things

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in your life that you want to have.

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Now, I know we can't force anything, and we're going to talk about that tonight to kick off.

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For those of you that have done heart work with me, we're going to revisit the idea of

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supernatural surrender here in our first week together.

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Why?

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Because we have to do first things first.

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I've seen so many people sabotage their lives, not just their love lives, but every area

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of their life by trying to be in control.

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And most of the time, you'll ask someone if they think that they're a controller or they're

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a control freak, and they will say, no, not me.

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I'm not controlling at all.

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And then you dig in, and they don't realize really what control looks like because oftentimes

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we think control looks like people that are unreasonable, people that are unyielding,

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people that we don't like to be around, that always have to have their own way, yada, yada.

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And control can definitely look that way.

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But it also sneaks in in ways that maybe we don't comprehend, in ways that we are not

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seeing unless we give someone else permission to say, hey, do you think that this person

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needs certainty?

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Do you think that this person doesn't take chances if they don't already know the outcome?

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Do you think this person is a people pleaser?

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See, that's one thing people don't realize is that when you're a people pleaser, that

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also is about control.

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You think that you're so nice and you're helping people and you're giving people what they

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want, but no, what you're doing is you're controlling people by your niceness, by your

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kindness, by your willingness to give them what they want.

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You're trying to keep them from hurting you.

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You're controlling them.

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You're keeping the situation fixed.

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And so there's all different ways that this sneaks in, but it is the kryptonite of us

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having what we want in life.

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And especially from God, because remember, God doesn't, can't do, I say this, I'm saying

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this wrong, God, God can do anything, but it's not about what God can do.

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It's about what we not just believe he can do, but also what we release for him to do.

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Right?

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And so it's important that we know that.

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So you guys have all signed up for an intensive.

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Remember this is an intensive, so it is, it's going to be intense, but we are going to laugh

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because you guys know I like to laugh.

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Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down for sure.

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Now no one is going to get critiqued on their video presentation or on your glasses or on

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your outfit or your presentation of yourself, but that's coming.

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So we're going to do three works of inner, three weeks of inner work.

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And I would love for you to put your dating apps on pause.

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I'd love for you to, uh, put your dating on pause unless you're in a serious relationship.

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Let that person know that, you know, you're part of something pretty intense for the next

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three weeks, you are going to be released into dating.

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You are going to be dating.

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In fact, there's one person in here that I've already tried to match make.

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I've already got a match for them, you know, set up for them to meet.

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Now will it be a match?

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I don't know, but you know, this is how quick things can happen.

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Now I'm not doing that yet because I want to honor the whole process in the fact that

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the next two weeks, one week after this, two weeks after this week, I want you guys to

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really be focused on what God is doing inner so that we can run with the outer and the

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outer is going to be all kinds of things.

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It's going to be getting you out there.

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Someone asked on our orientation night about the dating challenge and they asked very nervously

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about that dating challenge.

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And yes, I mean, what, what good would this be as an intensive to help you to find your

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love story, to help you step into your love story?

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I should say if it didn't include you actually getting out there and meeting people and me

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helping in that process.

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And uh, of course.

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that's going to happen as well. I really appreciate all of you guys showing up on Labor Day. Obviously,

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we didn't plan it to happen this way, but here we are. So I hope you guys ate all of the brats

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and hamburgers and hot dogs and did all the boats and did all the things that you do on Labor Day.

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I didn't do any of those things. I've just been working, just working all day like a little ant,

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the grasshopper plays, but I was excited about tonight and I still am. So we're going to get

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started here in just a second. Do I have any housekeeping? Yes. Okay. So I gave you a little

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tour of the app. All right. What's on the app, where to find things on the app. And so under

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that section of your coursework, that coursework section, you have a welcome packet right now that

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has a video and it has, you know, a, some instructions and some different things. So

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week one is going to be up if it already isn't, and it is up. It's up. And you guys have, after

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this session, you have some homework, so to speak, but really what it is, is just an activation to

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help what we're going to talk about right now for the next hour. For those of you that are watching

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the clock, like how long is this session? Mondays will normally be about an hour and Thursdays will

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normally be about 90, 75 to 90 minutes. Cause that's coaching. That's going to be coaching.

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I hope that you're not shy. You guys are all in this together. Some of you that have those one-on-one

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sessions, you can save the most embarrassing things for you or the things that you don't want

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anyone else to know for those sessions. But those of you that it's simply only signed up for the

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intensive, you got to get vulnerable to get free. Okay. No one in here is judging you.

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You can ask anything that you need to. You can also email us before Thursday session and ask

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something that you want to say anonymous. Just let us know, Hey, I want Jackie to answer this

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and Thursday's coaching session. I don't want to ask it publicly, but I do need the answer to it.

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This is where I'm stuck. So whether it has to do with sexual sin or porn, or, you know, something

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that's happened in the past that you really don't want other people to know that you're asking about,

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but you do want the answer. You're free to you're free to email us. Okay. And the only person that

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will see that is my, my assistant and me. And so you can email us and I will be happy to keep that

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anonymous. I won't call you out. I won't say your name. I want to insinuate that it's you,

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if it's that important to you for it to be anonymous. For those of you that have more one-on-one

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access, you want to definitely just do that in real time with me, but you guys getting

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vulnerable is a key element to having success here because what do you think is a key element to

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marriage? Communication. Absolutely. What else?

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Being seen, like feeling seen. Yeah. Being open, being open and honest and vulnerable.

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Yeah. Being open and honest and vulnerable. Yes. Being filled with the Holy spirit. So being able

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to drink and laugh together in the Holy spirit, of course. I mean, that would be good. That's just

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so good. That would be good. It's great. So the main question that I was, you know, what the main

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answer that I was looking for was just being vulnerable. It's really a key. It's really

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important for you to into me see. Right. And a lot of people think that they're able to do that.

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And they think that they're able to be vulnerable until they're in a position where they really have

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to be vulnerable. And this is going to be a, a test strip for that. This is going to be a launch

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pad for that here. Now there might be a few people in your life that you can really get vulnerable

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with and you can really open up with and let them see inside and tell them things that, you know,

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you feel like could, you could be judged for or punished. You know, most of our life we're

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trying to avoid judgment and punishment. That's part of the human condition, but in marriage,

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you can't really do that. You have to be able to really let that other person in. Even if,

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even if you think they're going to judge you, even if you think that there might be some

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punishment, some consequences to what you're saying. Right. And some of us have been in

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relationships where when we let somebody in, whether it was a friendship, whether it was a

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parent relationship, whether it was, uh, some other leader in our life or boss or community

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member, whether it was a former lover spouse person in our life, we, we opened up and they

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did judge us. And there was punishment connected to what we told them because they withdrew their

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affection. They were angry with us, but they didn't know how to regulate their emotions.

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So maybe they yelled at us or they, um, they didn't trust us anymore. They weren't willing

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to repair. There's all kinds of things that happen as a result.

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all of us being vulnerable that now we're trying to avoid.

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Anyone else have anything negative happen

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when you were trying to really open up

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to someone about something?

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Tell them how you felt about something.

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You put your little avatar hand up.

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It's kind of hard to see who has their hand up.

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I have one experience.

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Or did you want us to talk or just hand up?

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Sorry.

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Yeah, just hand up.

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I mean, we could talk about that in a minute.

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But yeah, so at least half the people in here

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have had something negative happen when they did that.

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Who's our psychotherapist in here who had a client

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that maybe wasn't gonna get done on time?

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Who was that?

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Sakura?

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Yeah.

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Look at your here on time.

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You put down the gauntlet, huh?

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You let them know.

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Got a hard stop.

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Okay, proud of you for that.

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All right, good.

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All right, so most everyone has a hand up.

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For those of you that never had any negative reaction

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to a moment of vulnerability,

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I don't know that I believe you.

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I don't know that I believe you.

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And or maybe you just were never vulnerable,

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you know, never really truly vulnerable.

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My mother has passed away as a lot of people

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that are in my program.

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If you're not in my program, you might not know that.

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But my mom passed away six years ago.

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She was only 64 years old when she passed away.

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I did not have a close relationship with her

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until the end of her life.

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She was unfortunately a very unhealthy mother

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and I wasn't in relationship with her very closely

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from my teenage years on.

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But when I came into her life

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or came closer in proximity to her at the end of her life,

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she did a lot of heart work

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and I helped her do a lot of heart work.

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And she did a lot of inner work and different things,

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you know, as she was transitioning to heaven.

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And one of the things that made me the saddest,

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and I want to make sure that this doesn't happen

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to any of you, even after your love story,

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is she shared with me some very vulnerable things.

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I did not judge her.

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I did not punish her.

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She let me behind the curtain, so to speak.

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She told me about a lot of things

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that were very, very hard for her to share.

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And then I found out

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that I was the only person with this information.

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So, and some of you may be able to relate to this,

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you know, you have a parent

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but you don't ever really know them.

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That was a situation.

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So I had a parent, you know,

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I had parents, obviously,

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but I didn't ever really know her.

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And the problem is, is that she was married,

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at the time of her passing,

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she was married to her third husband

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and she had been married to him for almost 40 years.

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And at the time of her passing,

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she had something very rare that a lot of people don't have.

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And that is a best friend.

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I don't mean a best friend.

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I mean a best friend.

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I mean, since they were in kindergarten until now,

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everything that ever happened

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in either one of their lives,

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they were a witness,

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a true witness to each other's lives.

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They were always together.

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My mom's name was Diana

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and her friend's name was Kathy.

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Diana and Kathy, Kathy and Diana,

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Diana and Kathy, together forever, okay?

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They were each other's person.

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They were each other's soulmate, if you will.

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Yes, soulmates can be platonic

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because spirit mates are what you want

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for marriage and covenant.

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But you can truly have someone of the same sex

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that you feel very, very, that they're your person.

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You know, you feel very, very, very connected to.

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And a lot of people confuse those feelings

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of being really connected and even codependent

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with someone of the same sex for romantic feelings.

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I feel like this is where a lot

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of female homosexuality comes from, all right?

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Where they just feel like they could be really vulnerable

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and really safe with this person.

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They feel like this is their person.

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And then of course they think,

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well, that must mean that I'm in love with them.

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But that wasn't the case with my mom and her friend.

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I don't want to get off topic

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because I don't want you thinking that's what happened.

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But the fact that my mom was sharing

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all of these deep, deep, deep things with me

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and she had never felt safe enough

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to share them with her bestest, bestest, bestest buddy.

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This woman bought a house right down the street from my mom.

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They always were together.

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They always were together all of their lives.

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And it's just like, what?

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You mean she doesn't know this?

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Your husband of almost 40 years doesn't know this?

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So do you see how people can live their entire lives

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not feeling like they can really let anybody in?

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And I'm not saying that you can't have a marriage

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where you're not letting the other person in,

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but I will say that it's not going to be a deep marriage.

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I counsel couples that are,

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not counsel, that's the wrong word

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because I'm not a counselor.

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I coach couples that are really in bad shape.

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I have a program called Heartwork for Couples.

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And so I coach couples that are in bad shape.

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And one of the things that I notice

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about couples that are in bad shape,

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they're really disconnecting

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and it looks like they're headed towards divorce,

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is that they never fully ever let each other in.

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They had a very superficial relationship.

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These are couples where it's not abusive,

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where it's not like you can really pull.

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point to the problem really quickly because it's like, Oh, this is super unhealthy.

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This is dysfunctional. This is abusive.

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I'm talking about the couples that for whatever reason,

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they just don't see eye to eye. They just don't click.

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They just don't understand each other. And that's because oftentimes,

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and you guys were going to get into this during this coaching,

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we are looking for a partner based on the superficial.

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We don't realize that we're doing it, but we are doing it.

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And when we get to the week where we're really going to dig into your

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non-negotiables, I'm going to challenge you.

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I'm going to push back on things that you think are a non-negotiable because

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that goes back to today's talk about control.

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Some of your preferences have you in a headlock.

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And the reason why it goes under the definition of control is because

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the reason why they made the list is because you're afraid of something guys.

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Remember the opposite of love is not hate.

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It's fear and control as a by-product of fear.

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The Bible says that where there is fear, there's not love, right?

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Love's been not been made perfect there.

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So obviously in our future marriages, we want there to be love.

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We want the foundation to be love, not fear.

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And a lot of times people make these lists of what they have to have or what

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they will never have based on fear. And so those preferences,

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and even some of their non-negotiables come out of what they never want to

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happen, what used to, what happened before,

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and I'm never going to let it happen again.

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And a lot of other superficial things that you think are based in attraction

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because you're afraid that you're not going to be attracted to them in five or

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10 years, you're afraid you're going to be their caretaker in five years,

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you know, whatever is,

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whatever it is that has you in a place of control when you make those lists,

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I'm going to challenge you on it. If I see it. Okay. I'm going to push back.

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Probably a little lightly publicly about probably a little bit,

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I'm going to push back a little bit.

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I'm going to push back a little bit publicly about what I'm going to do.

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Probably a little bit harder privately push back on you.

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I fully expect all of you to be ticked off at me at least once during this 90

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days. Okay. And I have thick skin. I can handle it.

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I can handle it. So they built these relationships.

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They chose these relationships based on a lot of very superficial stuff.

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And I remember God said to me one day when I was coaching, uh, he said, you know,

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they have to take the superficial to the supernatural.

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Now they've got to go from the superficial to the supernatural.

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They have to let love in. They have to into me.

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See that's what has to happen in order for this marriage to survive.

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The superficial has to now become supernatural because they think, Oh,

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it's just time to let this person go. I married the wrong person.

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I'm not in love. I don't know if I was ever in love with this person. No,

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that's because you were basing it on the superficial.

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It's not time to let them go. It's time to let them in.

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It's a very different thing. Okay.

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So the good news about all of you being single is that

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you get to completely miss this chapter of your love

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story because you can go into your love story without, with, with art,

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without this already being taken care of. Right. Can I see in the chat,

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can we be reminded of how many of you have been married before? Put,

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put divorced. If you've been divorced, if you've been married,

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I want to see divorce or widowed. If you've been widowed,

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divorced or widowed in the chat there,

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I just want to see how many people that applies to. Okay. Karen, Vivian,

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Penny's a widow. I knew that. Shade. Do I say Shade?

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Is that how you say your name? Yep. That's right. And I love that.

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Cause I love Shade. Okay. Um, Helen had an annulment,

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but you still were married before, correct? Okay.

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Annulled. All right.

328
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Thank you guys for that. I appreciate it. All right.

329
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So that's kind of our lead in a little intense to start. Okay.

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So let's talk about why we're starting with control,

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because for those of you that have done the hard work, we've,

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we've got to call,

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we got to call shotgun and let God drive in the area of our love story.

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Now,

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some people will take this way too far and they'll end up going,

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sitting in the waiting room and just waiting for God to deliver them a spouse.

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And we know that doesn't work.

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So I'm going to help hold the tension with you of not being in control,

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but also being responsible for the things that you're responsible

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for doing your part and letting God do his part,

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but still not from a place of control. Does that make sense? Okay.

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Cause control is less about doing what you need to do.

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And it's more about the attitude,

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the mindset and the belief system behind what you're doing.

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So everyone tracking with me, I'm watching your faces. All right.

346
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So control is more about a mindset. It's not, it's less about action.

347
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It's more about the mindset, the belief system behind the action. Okay.

348
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All right, so once again, the worksheets that you have that are already up in your portal

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for week one, there's three of them.

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And just like heart work, there is an activation prayer.

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There's a release prayer there that I want you to, if you want to print that stuff out,

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if you want to sign it, great.

353
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You're going to want to, does everyone have access to a printer?

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You are going to want to print out your worksheets and kind of keep them in a workbook, like

355
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make yourself a little workbook out of them because we're going to coach on this stuff

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on Thursday.

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And there's a question at the end of the third worksheet that says, out of everything, all

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the work that I've done in Monday's coaching call, in my worksheets, in my private time

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of meditation and prayer, you guys, I really want to encourage you to invite Holy Spirit

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into the season because you should end up with amazing breakthrough at the end.

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You should end up with some major aha moments, even those of you that are counselors or coaches

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or therapists yourself.

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I put up, I'm going to put up a little, I'm going to put up a little client success story

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probably every week.

365
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I put up Donna's.

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When Donna came to me, first of all, Donna's the therapist.

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I have so many therapists.

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I have so many counselors.

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I have so many coaches that come to me because they're stuck in this area of their life.

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And when I met her, she looked like something out of a page from 1975.

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She looked 20 years older than she was.

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When you see that first picture of Donna in that, for those of you that don't know what

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I'm talking about, I'm in Facebook.

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If you go to the featured button on our Facebook page, it'll show you all my posts in case

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they get lost.

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Okay.

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I pin them to the featured.

378
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So hit that little thing in the toolbar on your Facebook page that says featured and

379
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you'll see all my posts.

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And I posted a before and after of a one-on-one client, someone at the very beginning of when

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I started this program.

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I did a lot of one-on-one work with her.

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She pushed back on me a whole lot because she was a therapist and she was a coach and

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she had helped so many people get freedom.

385
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Just because you can help other people get freedom doesn't mean you're free.

386
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That's an anointing that you have.

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That's a skill that you have that you've learned or that it's a God-given gift.

388
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It doesn't mean that you can do it yourself.

389
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And so when she showed up, I was shocked.

390
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You guys, I was shook when I found out that she was only two years older than me because

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I thought she was my mother's age.

392
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And that's what will happen to you when you're in a long, bad marriage.

393
00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:37.940
So you've been in a long, bad marriage and she'd had a bunch of children and now she'd

394
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been divorced for just a couple years and there were just lots of things that were going

395
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on and I never forget.

396
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She came to my very first Austin retreat and the very first thing I did when I got my hands

397
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on her is I got rid of her big, boofy bangs.

398
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I had hired makeover artists for my retreat, but I personally did her hair.

399
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I personally got my hands in the mix and I was like, oh no, no, no.

400
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And she fought me on it.

401
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She wanted to keep that thing, that thing that she had had, that little security poof

402
00:23:10.520 --> 00:23:15.080
that she had had from probably since high school, I don't know, but she was only a couple

403
00:23:15.080 --> 00:23:16.080
years older than me.

404
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And it was at the retreat that I found out how old she was and I was like, oh no, this

405
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is not happening here, okay?

406
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And so just a few little tweaks to the outside and then, you know, she continued to roll

407
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with that.

408
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And it's so funny because I saw her after the retreat, like on a live that I was teaching

409
00:23:36.120 --> 00:23:39.720
and I saw that she had a little tiny bit of her poof back.

410
00:23:39.720 --> 00:23:42.880
She hadn't gotten the same, the whole thing back, but she kind of brushed it to the side

411
00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:45.960
and kind of tried to make it happen again, like over here.

412
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And I was like, oh no, I see you, I see you, okay?

413
00:23:51.000 --> 00:23:56.040
And the more inner work happened, the more that I saw, oh, okay, now the poof was completely

414
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gone.

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Now she was like sending me pictures and she was sending me messages like, hey, can you

416
00:24:01.160 --> 00:24:02.160
give me some pictures?

417
00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:05.320
I'm going to go to the hairstylist and I sent her some pictures of what I think would look

418
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good on you.

419
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And then she came out blonde and I was like, I like it, let's go.

420
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And then this happened and that happened.

421
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And then there was a situation with this one guy who, you know, she really, really liked

422
00:24:16.920 --> 00:24:21.160
and she was hoping it was going to come full circle into a relationship.

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And you know, we coached through that and long story short, you can see from the picture,

424
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she's super happy.

425
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She's about to get married.

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So praise God, all right?

427
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So good.

428
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All right.

429
00:24:33.060 --> 00:24:36.080
So there's a lot of things that are going to happen, a lot of things that are going

430
00:24:36.080 --> 00:24:37.080
to happen for you.

431
00:24:37.080 --> 00:24:41.960
But you have to give God permission, even if you think, and I use her example because

432
00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:48.160
she's, she's got 89 things out of a hundred in, in order in her life.

433
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:52.560
But you guys are still that extra 11 things.

434
00:24:52.560 --> 00:24:56.160
And those 11 things could be the thing that's keeping you from breakthrough.

435
00:24:56.160 --> 00:24:59.360
So I really want to encourage you, even those of you that have done tons of work, this woman

436
00:24:59.360 --> 00:25:00.080
not only did tons.

437
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.960
of work herself, but she did tons of work with others. It's important that you remember that

438
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you're here for a reason. You're here for a reason, and I want you to remember that and not

439
00:25:10.480 --> 00:25:15.760
brush anything off. So print out the worksheets, do the work, and I promise you it's going to hit

440
00:25:15.760 --> 00:25:20.880
differently because this is a tipping point for you. Okay. All right. So let's talk about this.

441
00:25:21.600 --> 00:25:26.720
Control doesn't always look controlling. It just doesn't. Some of the nicest people are also some

442
00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:31.360
of the most controlling people. We have to identify the fear that's underneath control

443
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because control is always a byproduct of fear. We have to understand the difference between

444
00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:42.400
responsibility and control because they're not the same. We also have to understand the difference

445
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between wanting clarity, that's going to be important in your dating journey with me,

446
00:25:46.960 --> 00:25:54.400
or wanting certainty. You can want clarity without needing certainty. Does everyone understand that?

447
00:25:54.400 --> 00:25:59.600
And we're going to dig into a lot of that because that's very nuanced, but this is just

448
00:25:59.600 --> 00:26:05.920
for this opening teaching. Okay. We also need to recognize the control that hides in Christian

449
00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:11.760
language. All of us in here are believers. Go ahead and put in the chat how long you've been

450
00:26:11.760 --> 00:26:17.920
a believer. How long ago was it that you started following Jesus? Put that in the chat.

451
00:26:18.800 --> 00:26:25.280
For most of you, it's going to be a pretty long time. 42 years, 20 years, 20 plus years, 53 years.

452
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:31.280
For me, it's been 30 years. For you, it's been 30 years. 25, 26, 43,

453
00:26:33.920 --> 00:26:39.360
25, 50. Come on. Childhood, maybe 30 years. Almost my entire life. With a prodigal season.

454
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Got to throw a little prodigal season in there. Okay. 33. All right.

455
00:26:46.800 --> 00:26:52.960
All right. All right. You guys have been... So there's a lot of religious

456
00:26:53.840 --> 00:26:59.120
control inside of us that we don't know about. So I want you to be open and willing to

457
00:26:59.120 --> 00:27:08.400
take a look at that. We have to also identify that surrender as an action.

458
00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:14.240
Surrender as an action. It's not just a passive spiritual idea.

459
00:27:14.240 --> 00:27:20.480
Surrender is not just a passive spiritual idea. It is an action, right? Remember how the Bible

460
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:25.600
says we have to labor to enter into his rest? Okay. So release and realign and receive is what

461
00:27:25.600 --> 00:27:30.720
I named this first session together because it's going to be about those things. About releasing

462
00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:37.920
what we can't control, realigning with what God has for us, and realigning with what God wants

463
00:27:37.920 --> 00:27:43.840
us to know and receiving what he has for us. Okay. All right. So let's talk about this. A lot

464
00:27:43.840 --> 00:27:48.160
of people don't think they have control issues. I run into that all the time, but they may think

465
00:27:48.160 --> 00:27:54.880
some version of this. I'm just a responsible person. I'm an independent person. I'm a discerning

466
00:27:54.880 --> 00:28:00.800
person. That's where it hides. It hides in the spiritual language. I'm just a discerning person.

467
00:28:01.760 --> 00:28:07.680
Right? I'm careful. I have standards. I've learned from experience. I'm wise.

468
00:28:09.040 --> 00:28:14.160
It's really hard as a single person. I was a single mom, and it's really hard as a single

469
00:28:14.160 --> 00:28:18.800
person because you think, well, I'm just responsible. I'm not controlling because

470
00:28:18.800 --> 00:28:23.760
if I don't do it, really, Jackie, who's going to do it? Who's going to do it if I don't do it?

471
00:28:23.760 --> 00:28:28.160
There isn't anyone else to lean on here. There isn't anyone to fall back on here. It's just me,

472
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:36.240
right? And so it's easy to ignore signs of hyper-vigilance and hyper-independence because

473
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:41.920
you're single. And so sometimes you'll give yourself a pass there. Does everyone see how

474
00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:49.200
that could be? Okay. Some people will say things like, I have things written down like,

475
00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:52.560
God gave me a brain. This is some of the things that I've heard people say. Well, you know,

476
00:28:52.560 --> 00:28:57.680
God gave me a brain. Yes, he did. He gave you a brain, but he doesn't want you to overthink

477
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:06.480
everything. He doesn't want you to over-function, all right? Other people will use therapy language

478
00:29:06.480 --> 00:29:10.720
that's really controlling, like these are my boundaries, or I'm protecting my peace.

479
00:29:11.760 --> 00:29:17.520
Control can be hiding in therapy language and even therapy ideas. And remember, all of you are

480
00:29:17.520 --> 00:29:20.720
going to see something different in this session, and that's what the worksheet is for. It's for

481
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:25.040
you to get really real and honest with yourself and with God about what you see and invite Holy

482
00:29:25.040 --> 00:29:31.040
Spirit to show you what he sees. This is going to be the foundation, kind of like the heart work

483
00:29:31.040 --> 00:29:36.560
with last year's single to set up in our entire time coaching together. And all of you without

484
00:29:36.560 --> 00:29:43.280
exception are going to have a one-on-one, and I'm going to show you what I'm seeing for some of you

485
00:29:43.280 --> 00:29:49.680
more, and then for all of you in these group sessions. All right. So let's talk about that

486
00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:55.280
capable man or woman, okay? Actually, let's talk about that separately. Let's talk about

487
00:29:55.280 --> 00:29:59.840
the capable woman first, and then Dan will talk about the capable man. Sorry.

488
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.240
token guy down there.

489
00:30:01.240 --> 00:30:03.840
Hi, Dan, he's down there at the bottom of my screen.

490
00:30:04.840 --> 00:30:06.120
All right.

491
00:30:06.120 --> 00:30:09.020
Okay, so the capable woman, let's say, you know,

492
00:30:09.020 --> 00:30:14.020
she's anywhere from 40 to 65, okay, to 70.

493
00:30:15.320 --> 00:30:16.600
She might've built a career,

494
00:30:16.600 --> 00:30:18.460
she might've bought her own house,

495
00:30:18.460 --> 00:30:21.440
she might have gotten to a place where she can travel alone,

496
00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:24.880
she handles her finances, she makes all her decisions.

497
00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:27.840
Something breaks, she might fix it herself,

498
00:30:27.880 --> 00:30:30.280
she might call some kind of practitioner,

499
00:30:30.280 --> 00:30:33.800
some, you know, a plumber, electrician, someone to fix it.

500
00:30:33.800 --> 00:30:36.000
Something goes wrong, she figures it out,

501
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:37.860
she problem solves it.

502
00:30:37.860 --> 00:30:42.520
And then she might start talking to a man

503
00:30:42.520 --> 00:30:45.000
or dating a man who says something like,

504
00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:47.660
hey, I'll take care of it, I got this.

505
00:30:50.360 --> 00:30:54.280
Instead of receiving that, she might start thinking,

506
00:30:54.280 --> 00:30:55.540
did he make it?

507
00:30:55.540 --> 00:30:56.580
Where is it?

508
00:30:56.580 --> 00:30:57.980
What's the parking situation?

509
00:30:57.980 --> 00:30:59.520
Did he check the reviews of the restaurant?

510
00:30:59.520 --> 00:31:00.460
What time are we going?

511
00:31:00.460 --> 00:31:02.900
Maybe I should just send him three other options.

512
00:31:02.900 --> 00:31:05.240
She's not trying to be controlling,

513
00:31:05.240 --> 00:31:08.500
but she's been the CEO of her life for a long time.

514
00:31:09.620 --> 00:31:12.020
And so it's very difficult for her just to let go

515
00:31:12.020 --> 00:31:13.900
and let someone else drive.

516
00:31:17.540 --> 00:31:19.640
And maybe all of you think like, oh, I wouldn't do that.

517
00:31:19.640 --> 00:31:20.480
Well, you know what?

518
00:31:20.980 --> 00:31:24.940
I just made a toast to one of our last year single brides

519
00:31:24.940 --> 00:31:28.580
who is in this position, a very, very capable woman,

520
00:31:28.580 --> 00:31:30.400
single into her fifties.

521
00:31:31.620 --> 00:31:34.060
And the hardest thing that I think she ever had to do

522
00:31:34.060 --> 00:31:38.780
was allow her fiance to plan the rehearsal dinner.

523
00:31:38.780 --> 00:31:40.780
I thought she was gonna have a coronary.

524
00:31:42.080 --> 00:31:44.780
I thought she was literally gonna pop a blood vessel.

525
00:31:47.900 --> 00:31:49.440
I was messaging with her every day.

526
00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:54.440
She's like, I just don't know.

527
00:31:54.780 --> 00:31:56.540
I just don't know if he sent the right emails.

528
00:31:56.540 --> 00:31:57.900
I don't know if he invited the right people.

529
00:31:57.900 --> 00:31:59.340
I don't know if he ordered the right food.

530
00:31:59.340 --> 00:32:01.140
He told me just to let him take care of it.

531
00:32:01.140 --> 00:32:03.300
He told me he doesn't want me to ask any more questions,

532
00:32:03.300 --> 00:32:05.100
that he's got this.

533
00:32:05.100 --> 00:32:08.020
And kind of, I had to be honest, part of me was like,

534
00:32:08.020 --> 00:32:13.020
you put a man in charge of the rehearsal dinner, why?

535
00:32:15.500 --> 00:32:16.340
And I asked her that.

536
00:32:16.340 --> 00:32:19.060
I was like, okay, can you remind me why?

537
00:32:19.560 --> 00:32:22.120
Why he's in charge of this in the first place?

538
00:32:22.120 --> 00:32:23.640
And then, you know what she told me?

539
00:32:23.640 --> 00:32:25.440
She said, oh, because he's an event planner.

540
00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:26.560
That's what he does for a living.

541
00:32:26.560 --> 00:32:30.880
I'm like, oh, we better trust him then.

542
00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:31.760
What are we doing?

543
00:32:34.240 --> 00:32:38.720
Okay, so you guys see, the capable woman had a fiance

544
00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:42.320
about to be her husband who does this for a living

545
00:32:42.320 --> 00:32:45.960
successfully, and she couldn't trust him with the details.

546
00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:47.520
And I know some of you guys are giving me

547
00:32:47.660 --> 00:32:50.540
a little side eye, okay?

548
00:32:50.540 --> 00:32:54.780
But you know this is true about you, all right?

549
00:32:54.780 --> 00:32:56.300
I know it's true about you.

550
00:32:56.300 --> 00:32:58.380
You know it's true about you.

551
00:32:58.380 --> 00:33:01.820
And I'm telling you, this causes drama.

552
00:33:01.820 --> 00:33:04.380
It causes problems and friction

553
00:33:04.380 --> 00:33:06.100
that does not need to happen.

554
00:33:06.100 --> 00:33:10.440
I've had at least three men break up with women

555
00:33:10.440 --> 00:33:12.020
that they were pretty serious about

556
00:33:12.020 --> 00:33:15.220
because they were like, she just can't trust me.

557
00:33:15.220 --> 00:33:17.300
She just can't let anything go.

558
00:33:18.000 --> 00:33:19.120
She's got to control everything.

559
00:33:19.120 --> 00:33:21.160
And they didn't want a life like that.

560
00:33:21.160 --> 00:33:23.920
So it's good for us to take care of it now.

561
00:33:23.920 --> 00:33:26.160
All right, let's talk about the capable man, Dan.

562
00:33:26.160 --> 00:33:27.640
We don't know if this is you or not,

563
00:33:27.640 --> 00:33:30.820
but I love it that your name rhymes with man, Dan.

564
00:33:30.820 --> 00:33:31.660
All right.

565
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:34.260
Men.

566
00:33:34.260 --> 00:33:36.440
I mean, don't you feel like in America especially,

567
00:33:36.440 --> 00:33:39.780
it's like boys are always told to just get it together,

568
00:33:39.780 --> 00:33:43.060
man up, don't cry, figure it out.

569
00:33:43.060 --> 00:33:46.160
They're kind of thrust out into mandom pretty early

570
00:33:46.180 --> 00:33:47.980
depending on what family they're from.

571
00:33:47.980 --> 00:33:50.220
So this makes complete sense.

572
00:33:50.220 --> 00:33:53.180
He's accustomed to solving everything himself,

573
00:33:53.180 --> 00:33:56.660
but then he's dating a woman who might want to support him.

574
00:33:56.660 --> 00:33:58.480
Now, some of you have been with Peter Pan's

575
00:33:58.480 --> 00:34:01.940
that can't fight themselves out of a wet paper bag.

576
00:34:01.940 --> 00:34:04.380
All right, so you're like, I've never known a man like this.

577
00:34:04.380 --> 00:34:06.300
Okay, but there are men like this,

578
00:34:06.300 --> 00:34:11.100
where she's asking him, are you having a difficult week?

579
00:34:11.100 --> 00:34:12.139
Is there anything I can do?

580
00:34:12.139 --> 00:34:13.659
And he's like, nope, I'm good.

581
00:34:13.659 --> 00:34:14.940
He's not good.

582
00:34:14.940 --> 00:34:17.719
Dan, he's not good, okay?

583
00:34:17.719 --> 00:34:19.480
He's not, but he's like, I'm good.

584
00:34:19.480 --> 00:34:22.920
Because men are taught that they need to be good.

585
00:34:22.920 --> 00:34:26.239
They need to be stable, they need to figure things out.

586
00:34:26.239 --> 00:34:30.520
They're not gonna be vulnerable with you, all right?

587
00:34:30.520 --> 00:34:34.480
If I need someone, then I might disappoint them.

588
00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:37.360
I might disappoint her if she thinks that I'm needy

589
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:40.960
or I don't have it all together or I can't figure it out.

590
00:34:40.960 --> 00:34:43.060
So it's important for men to understand

591
00:34:43.080 --> 00:34:44.840
that when you've had to be a man,

592
00:34:44.840 --> 00:34:47.920
especially all of your life for a long time,

593
00:34:47.920 --> 00:34:49.760
then control stops feeling like control.

594
00:34:49.760 --> 00:34:51.760
It just starts feeling like being a man.

595
00:34:53.280 --> 00:34:54.380
Just what men do.

596
00:34:55.400 --> 00:34:56.360
They fix things.

597
00:34:56.360 --> 00:34:58.860
They make things happen, okay?

598
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.560
All right, so let's talk about when capability becomes control.

599
00:35:06.240 --> 00:35:08.400
Because all of you are capable, that's why you're here.

600
00:35:09.000 --> 00:35:14.160
All of you are successful enough in life to afford this level of coaching.

601
00:35:14.320 --> 00:35:17.720
So that tells me that you are capable at some level in your life.

602
00:35:18.240 --> 00:35:20.600
But let's look at the timeline of capability.

603
00:35:20.880 --> 00:35:25.080
Capability, because when you're capable, what do you do?

604
00:35:25.120 --> 00:35:28.200
You rely on yourself, self-reliance.

605
00:35:29.200 --> 00:35:33.000
And self-reliance often turns into some form of hyper-independence,

606
00:35:33.800 --> 00:35:34.920
which turns into control.

607
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:39.600
So we have capability, relying on self, becoming very independent,

608
00:35:39.600 --> 00:35:42.800
even hyper-independent, and then being in control.

609
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:44.840
All right. So.

610
00:35:50.200 --> 00:35:52.080
Let's give some examples.

611
00:35:52.080 --> 00:35:54.280
I want I want you guys, let me see.

612
00:35:54.280 --> 00:35:56.560
Queen of protecting my peace.

613
00:35:56.560 --> 00:35:58.720
Like it, especially in a Latino household.

614
00:35:58.720 --> 00:36:00.960
Oh, yeah, we definitely had to figure things out.

615
00:36:00.960 --> 00:36:03.840
See, guys, so we just broke it down by male and female.

616
00:36:03.840 --> 00:36:05.800
But Dan's making a good point.

617
00:36:05.800 --> 00:36:09.600
Depending on what kind of ethnicity you are and what kind of household

618
00:36:09.600 --> 00:36:13.840
you grew up in, this might be off the chart, off the chain

619
00:36:14.040 --> 00:36:18.040
with responsibility, with taking care of yourself.

620
00:36:19.240 --> 00:36:23.560
If you grew up in a trauma home where you had to be a be an adult

621
00:36:23.560 --> 00:36:27.160
really fast, anyone else is had to take care of yourself.

622
00:36:27.320 --> 00:36:28.840
I mean, I feel like we're all Gen X here.

623
00:36:28.840 --> 00:36:33.000
Practically, we have maybe a few millennials, mostly Gen X.

624
00:36:33.000 --> 00:36:37.040
I mean, Gen X. I mean, it's a it's a joke that we were like the latchkey kids.

625
00:36:37.760 --> 00:36:41.760
We basically just had to fend for ourselves with a jar of peanut butter and.

626
00:36:44.240 --> 00:36:45.320
Right.

627
00:36:46.960 --> 00:36:50.120
Most of us are lucky to be alive.

628
00:36:50.120 --> 00:36:52.400
With all the crazy stuff we did with no supervision.

629
00:36:52.840 --> 00:36:54.840
OK. All right.

630
00:36:55.040 --> 00:36:56.720
So let's look at healthy.

631
00:36:56.720 --> 00:36:59.120
OK, I can handle my life.

632
00:36:59.120 --> 00:37:00.800
You should be able to handle your life.

633
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:02.600
It's good that you can handle your life.

634
00:37:02.600 --> 00:37:04.920
So you're my tire needs air.

635
00:37:04.920 --> 00:37:05.960
I know how to solve this.

636
00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:07.640
I'm going to go put air in my tire. Right.

637
00:37:07.640 --> 00:37:09.080
That's good. That's great.

638
00:37:09.080 --> 00:37:10.640
So that's capability.

639
00:37:10.640 --> 00:37:13.000
I can handle my life if I if I.

640
00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:16.640
You know, if a problem happens, I can I can go fix it.

641
00:37:17.360 --> 00:37:18.360
All right.

642
00:37:18.360 --> 00:37:22.200
But then let's go down to from capability to self-reliance.

643
00:37:22.200 --> 00:37:24.600
Let's see how this begins to be a slippery slope.

644
00:37:24.960 --> 00:37:28.000
Self-reliance says I usually handle things myself.

645
00:37:29.320 --> 00:37:31.560
Still not necessarily unhealthy.

646
00:37:32.600 --> 00:37:34.520
But then it goes to hyper independence.

647
00:37:34.520 --> 00:37:36.720
I would rather do everything myself than risk

648
00:37:36.720 --> 00:37:39.400
depending on somebody else who's going to disappoint me or hurt me.

649
00:37:40.360 --> 00:37:42.880
Or not do it right or not do it the way I was going to do it.

650
00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:46.520
That's what we ran into with with homegirls wedding.

651
00:37:48.480 --> 00:37:50.880
It wasn't just I mean, she knew that he did this for a living,

652
00:37:50.880 --> 00:37:54.440
so it wasn't just that she was worried he wasn't going to do it right.

653
00:37:54.720 --> 00:37:57.440
She didn't want to be disappointed.

654
00:37:57.440 --> 00:38:00.160
She wanted it to be the way that she would do it if she was doing it.

655
00:38:00.640 --> 00:38:01.800
She didn't just want it done.

656
00:38:01.800 --> 00:38:03.560
She wanted it done the way she would do it.

657
00:38:03.560 --> 00:38:05.920
Can anyone else fess up and say that you're like that?

658
00:38:07.480 --> 00:38:08.800
It's not just that it gets done.

659
00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:11.560
You want it done the way that you like it done.

660
00:38:11.560 --> 00:38:14.920
I see two or three, I see some head nods, I see two or three people.

661
00:38:16.840 --> 00:38:19.000
Four or five people.

662
00:38:19.000 --> 00:38:21.040
Karen's like, I'm actually over it now.

663
00:38:21.040 --> 00:38:23.400
I'm willing to just let someone else drive the whole time.

664
00:38:23.400 --> 00:38:25.440
I'm a passenger princess. I'm asleep over here.

665
00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:26.840
It's all going to be good.

666
00:38:26.840 --> 00:38:30.200
Just bring me some snacks and a book. I'm good. I'm ready to go.

667
00:38:32.440 --> 00:38:34.000
I'm not going to be a homegirl.

668
00:38:34.000 --> 00:38:35.560
I'm not going to be a homegirl.

669
00:38:35.560 --> 00:38:36.880
I'm not going to be a homegirl.

670
00:38:36.880 --> 00:38:38.640
I'm not going to be a homegirl.

671
00:38:38.640 --> 00:38:40.280
I'm not going to be a homegirl.

672
00:38:41.240 --> 00:38:45.880
Okay. So you see how it goes into hyper-independence.

673
00:38:45.880 --> 00:38:50.200
I would rather do everything myself than risk depending on somebody.

674
00:38:50.200 --> 00:38:51.600
Okay.

675
00:38:51.600 --> 00:38:53.480
Maybe your friend says, I'll drive you to the airport.

676
00:38:53.480 --> 00:38:54.880
And you're like, no, no, that's ridiculous.

677
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:56.640
I'll take Uber. Anybody?

678
00:38:57.640 --> 00:38:59.200
I've ran into these people.

679
00:39:01.200 --> 00:39:02.240
And don't worry.

680
00:39:02.240 --> 00:39:04.000
If this form of control doesn't fit you,

681
00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:06.400
I promise you you're still controlling in a different way

682
00:39:06.400 --> 00:39:07.680
and we're going to get there.

683
00:39:07.720 --> 00:39:09.600
Okay.

684
00:39:09.600 --> 00:39:12.000
Uber is just easier. I don't want to put you out.

685
00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:15.520
It's okay. Receiving help makes you feel uncomfortable.

686
00:39:16.600 --> 00:39:18.360
I know that applies to half of you.

687
00:39:18.360 --> 00:39:20.840
And then we're going from hyper-independence

688
00:39:20.840 --> 00:39:22.640
down to control control.

689
00:39:22.640 --> 00:39:26.480
I feel safest when I'm managing what happens, right?

690
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:28.160
Here's an example from dating.

691
00:39:28.800 --> 00:39:31.960
They haven't confirmed Saturday's date yet and it's Thursday.

692
00:39:31.960 --> 00:39:33.960
This might be a scenario that's happened to some of you.

693
00:39:33.960 --> 00:39:36.360
It's Thursday. They already asked you out.

694
00:39:36.360 --> 00:39:37.800
They already asked you out for Saturday.

695
00:39:37.800 --> 00:39:41.160
It's Thursday and they haven't said anything more

696
00:39:41.160 --> 00:39:43.360
about Saturday's date.

697
00:39:44.200 --> 00:39:47.280
Okay. I get this scenario all the time from my clients.

698
00:39:47.920 --> 00:39:51.120
Instead of them allowing to reveal themselves,

699
00:39:53.160 --> 00:39:55.040
reveal whether they're unorganized,

700
00:39:55.040 --> 00:39:56.640
reveal whether they're not really that interested

701
00:39:56.640 --> 00:39:57.800
in going out with you,

702
00:39:57.800 --> 00:40:00.040
a lot of women especially will.

703
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.440
over function right here. This is called control. You need certainty, not clarity. You're not

704
00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:09.320
looking for clarity. They already asked you out on Saturday. You need certainty now. And

705
00:40:09.320 --> 00:40:13.120
so now you're going to send them a text and you're going to say, Hey, just checking. We're

706
00:40:13.120 --> 00:40:20.920
still on for Saturday, right? No, you're not going to do that, but you do do it, but you're

707
00:40:20.920 --> 00:40:28.660
never going to do it again. Cause you're going to give the man permission to show you where

708
00:40:28.660 --> 00:40:39.500
he is in his relationship readiness. Dan, take notes. Dan, just for fun, even though

709
00:40:39.500 --> 00:40:45.380
we're not dating coaching yet every day leading up to the date, you should check in women

710
00:40:45.380 --> 00:40:51.800
like that. Not over check in. Don't check in 15 times every day leading up to the date.

711
00:40:51.800 --> 00:40:55.060
Just like, Hey, how are you doing today? I hope you're doing good. Looking forward to

712
00:40:55.300 --> 00:41:02.260
good. All right. Okay. Um, and then give her information about parking, give her information,

713
00:41:02.300 --> 00:41:07.580
every, every information that she needs. Be a gentleman, be chivalrous. Okay. Um, okay.

714
00:41:07.580 --> 00:41:10.860
So, Hey, just checking in. We're still on for Saturday, right? Night. And then maybe

715
00:41:10.860 --> 00:41:15.100
they say, yeah, we're still on. And then like, okay, where are we going? What time are we

716
00:41:15.100 --> 00:41:21.740
going? They're planning the date. Just like you said that you wanted, you want someone

717
00:41:21.740 --> 00:41:25.500
who's going to plan someone who's going to take initiative, but then what are you doing?

718
00:41:25.500 --> 00:41:33.220
You're policing them. My best friend in the entire world is a pill to go on vacation with

719
00:41:33.220 --> 00:41:36.420
because the minute that we decide we're going on vacation and she's a single woman, as soon

720
00:41:36.420 --> 00:41:40.060
as soon as we decide that we're going on vacation, we're like, Hey, you want to go to Florida?

721
00:41:40.060 --> 00:41:42.140
Yeah, let's go to Florida. We're going to go to Florida. Okay. When are we going to

722
00:41:42.140 --> 00:41:44.820
go? We're going to go in March on spring break. She's a teacher. Okay. Yeah. We're going to

723
00:41:44.820 --> 00:41:47.820
go winter spring break. This is one of my spring break. It's okay. We're going to go.

724
00:41:47.820 --> 00:41:53.740
And then it could be y'all October of the year before. And she literally will start

725
00:41:53.740 --> 00:42:00.580
harassing me like a bad rash. Did you make the plans yet? Did you order the car yet?

726
00:42:00.580 --> 00:42:04.780
Did you get the Airbnb yet? I don't like that Airbnb. What about this Airbnb? Here are 20

727
00:42:04.780 --> 00:42:10.180
Airbnbs that I looked for. I found them all. Which one do you like? Oh, you like that one?

728
00:42:10.180 --> 00:42:12.820
I don't really like that one. Let's do this. Let's get this kind of car. Oh, I need to

729
00:42:12.820 --> 00:42:17.340
check with my insurance and make sure that I'm allowed to drive a rental car. It's exhausting

730
00:42:17.340 --> 00:42:22.340
y'all exhausting. And you know what? I love her to death, but this is why she's not married.

731
00:42:22.340 --> 00:42:27.820
This is why she's not married. And you know who can't coach her, her best friend, because

732
00:42:27.820 --> 00:42:32.440
she won't listen. But some of you are like this. You're not going to admit it right now

733
00:42:32.440 --> 00:42:39.060
in this session, but you are, you need so much certainty. You need so much certainty

734
00:42:39.060 --> 00:42:43.860
and you want it crossed off the list and you want that baby put to bed right away. You

735
00:42:43.860 --> 00:42:49.300
don't want anything open-ended. And friends, men don't like that. Dan, do men like that?

736
00:42:49.300 --> 00:42:59.700
They don't. They don't like it. Poor Dan. It's only session one. Now, Dan, men, women

737
00:42:59.700 --> 00:43:05.620
don't like men who, you know, can't take control of things and make things happen. But at the

738
00:43:05.620 --> 00:43:12.100
same time, women don't like this. Okay. All right. All right. So ask yourself the question,

739
00:43:12.100 --> 00:43:17.580
where can, I'll handle it become, Oh no, I'll handle it. You gotta, you gotta take

740
00:43:17.580 --> 00:43:23.260
a look at that. Okay. All right. Ah, you're planning that date that they asked you on

741
00:43:23.260 --> 00:43:28.780
now. Just let them listen, let them fail forward fast. That usually that's a saying for business.

742
00:43:28.780 --> 00:43:33.860
Fail forward fast. It's a, it's a, it's for dating too. Let them fail forward fast. If

743
00:43:33.860 --> 00:43:37.700
they are not, if they're not relationship ready, just let them show you, just let them

744
00:43:37.700 --> 00:43:42.460
show you that they're not ready. Okay. But also we'll talk about this later. It doesn't

745
00:43:42.460 --> 00:43:47.260
mean just because someone does one thing one time that you should cross them off the list.

746
00:43:47.260 --> 00:43:51.860
And we'll talk about that when we get to dating. Okay. Now control doesn't always look controlling.

747
00:43:51.860 --> 00:43:56.780
Remember, it doesn't always look controlling. Sometimes it can look like overthinking, being

748
00:43:56.780 --> 00:44:02.620
responsible. Okay. Sometimes it could look like just being nice and being empathic. Like,

749
00:44:02.980 --> 00:44:12.820
you know, did I say something wrong? Was my, and I, all of this is going to have to do with dating,

750
00:44:12.820 --> 00:44:15.900
but you guys, you need to apply this to your friendships and you also need to apply it to

751
00:44:15.900 --> 00:44:19.940
your family relationships. But you know, they normally text you good morning. Maybe you're

752
00:44:19.940 --> 00:44:24.380
getting to know them. They normally text you good morning and now it's 10 47 and you've heard

753
00:44:24.380 --> 00:44:29.380
nothing from them. And you're like, did I say something? Was my last text too much? Maybe they

754
00:44:29.380 --> 00:44:35.020
met somebody else. You know maybe this isn't God's best for me. Maybe this is a sign, you know,

755
00:44:35.020 --> 00:44:39.700
and I don't have peace now, but here's the thing. The thing is, is that these are all criteria of

756
00:44:39.700 --> 00:44:43.460
what we would call anxious attachment. And we are going to talk about attachment. I think it's week

757
00:44:43.460 --> 00:44:51.540
four, but the bottom line is, is that that's all about control. If you're like that at all, at any

758
00:44:51.540 --> 00:44:58.540
level, it's about control. Control can also look like perfectionism. Anyone have any kind of

759
00:44:58.540 --> 00:44:59.740
perfectionism?

760
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.520
We're going to make you look as good as you can on the outside, but if you're the

761
00:45:06.520 --> 00:45:09.700
kind of person who thinks that you can't date until you lose 20 pounds or you have

762
00:45:09.700 --> 00:45:15.600
new pictures or you need to finish all of your inner healing first, which is not possible

763
00:45:15.600 --> 00:45:19.160
because so much inner healing is going to happen in relationship, right?

764
00:45:19.160 --> 00:45:23.080
And so you have to get your finances completely together, you have to get totally out of debt

765
00:45:23.080 --> 00:45:26.560
before you can go on a date, you need to be completely confident, you need to be completely

766
00:45:26.560 --> 00:45:31.200
perfect, that's all control.

767
00:45:31.200 --> 00:45:34.400
You start talking to someone and you immediately, you can't be curious.

768
00:45:34.400 --> 00:45:39.320
Remember, the first 30 days of relationship is curiosity.

769
00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:41.440
Do you even like this person?

770
00:45:41.440 --> 00:45:43.160
Do you even want to get to know them better?

771
00:45:43.160 --> 00:45:46.640
Would you even be interested in an exclusive relationship with them?

772
00:45:46.640 --> 00:45:50.640
But so many people at the very beginning when they're suffering with control, they find

773
00:45:50.640 --> 00:45:52.720
themselves asking, is this going anywhere?

774
00:45:52.720 --> 00:45:53.800
Do they want marriage?

775
00:45:53.800 --> 00:45:54.800
Are they dating anyone else?

776
00:45:54.880 --> 00:45:56.640
Are we compatible long term?

777
00:45:56.640 --> 00:45:59.200
You know, where, where would we live if we got together?

778
00:45:59.200 --> 00:46:02.560
You haven't, you haven't, appetizers are not even over yet.

779
00:46:02.560 --> 00:46:06.160
What do you mean where you would you live if you got married?

780
00:46:06.160 --> 00:46:07.160
This is all control.

781
00:46:07.160 --> 00:46:12.760
I know it's funny, but it's, it's just controlling, you know, do they like me?

782
00:46:12.760 --> 00:46:13.760
They just met you.

783
00:46:13.760 --> 00:46:15.440
Did they just met you?

784
00:46:15.440 --> 00:46:16.440
Should we become exclusive?

785
00:46:16.440 --> 00:46:17.440
They just met you.

786
00:46:17.440 --> 00:46:20.960
And you guys, there's nothing wrong with any of these questions in the right place on the

787
00:46:20.960 --> 00:46:21.960
timeline.

788
00:46:22.120 --> 00:46:26.760
But if you find yourself asking yourself or others, the person that you're talking to

789
00:46:26.760 --> 00:46:29.640
these questions too early, it means you're trying to be in control.

790
00:46:29.640 --> 00:46:30.920
All right.

791
00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:33.600
Control can also look like rejection.

792
00:46:33.600 --> 00:46:35.400
This is a big one.

793
00:46:35.400 --> 00:46:37.600
All right.

794
00:46:37.600 --> 00:46:40.600
Because for those of you that didn't see yourself in any of this, you're going to see yourself

795
00:46:40.600 --> 00:46:41.600
in this.

796
00:46:41.600 --> 00:46:43.240
Now control doesn't chase.

797
00:46:43.240 --> 00:46:45.480
You might be someone who runs a strict program.

798
00:46:45.480 --> 00:46:47.960
Ladies, gentlemen, Dan, you can be like one strike.

799
00:46:47.960 --> 00:46:48.960
You're out.

800
00:46:48.960 --> 00:46:51.440
That's called control.

801
00:46:51.440 --> 00:46:54.920
Now if they had a massive deal breaker from your non-negotiables, okay, fine.

802
00:46:54.920 --> 00:47:01.000
But a lot of people will just eliminate for the, for the reason of elimination because

803
00:47:01.000 --> 00:47:03.120
they want to be in control.

804
00:47:03.120 --> 00:47:04.680
Okay.

805
00:47:04.680 --> 00:47:05.920
You don't like the way they dress.

806
00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:07.880
She talks too much.

807
00:47:07.880 --> 00:47:09.280
He's only five, nine.

808
00:47:09.280 --> 00:47:15.880
You guys, one of you, I won't say who has a opportunity to be match made possibly with

809
00:47:15.880 --> 00:47:18.440
someone in their own backyard who loves Jesus.

810
00:47:18.440 --> 00:47:23.680
They're good looking, but they're two inches shorter than them.

811
00:47:23.680 --> 00:47:26.600
And I ain't going to feel sorry for any of you if you meet a shorter man because I'm

812
00:47:26.600 --> 00:47:28.520
married to a man two inches shorter than me.

813
00:47:28.520 --> 00:47:37.120
So I had a woman send me a success story the other day in my inbox and she said, I would

814
00:47:37.120 --> 00:47:39.640
have never married this man without you, Jackie.

815
00:47:39.640 --> 00:47:40.640
Thank you.

816
00:47:40.640 --> 00:47:42.560
You're coaching, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah.

817
00:47:42.560 --> 00:47:47.600
She sent me a picture and I promise you she's at least six inches taller than this guy.

818
00:47:47.760 --> 00:47:50.760
And I was like, what have I done?

819
00:47:50.760 --> 00:47:53.320
What have I done?

820
00:47:53.320 --> 00:47:54.320
But they're happy.

821
00:47:54.320 --> 00:48:03.720
I'm five, 10 and this guy that I liked so much when I was young was only five, six.

822
00:48:03.720 --> 00:48:08.560
And I just couldn't let it go.

823
00:48:08.560 --> 00:48:09.800
I could not let it go.

824
00:48:09.800 --> 00:48:10.800
That's a whole four inches.

825
00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:13.400
I could not let it go.

826
00:48:13.400 --> 00:48:19.480
I was really young, but he was so cute and he was so sweet and nice and I just couldn't

827
00:48:19.480 --> 00:48:20.480
let it go.

828
00:48:20.480 --> 00:48:22.040
And you might think, well, maybe he was going to grow later.

829
00:48:22.040 --> 00:48:23.040
Nah, he didn't.

830
00:48:23.040 --> 00:48:24.040
He didn't grow.

831
00:48:24.040 --> 00:48:26.680
Five, six, full height.

832
00:48:26.680 --> 00:48:27.680
Okay.

833
00:48:27.680 --> 00:48:30.840
But you might, you know, she has three kids, Dan.

834
00:48:30.840 --> 00:48:31.840
That's control, right?

835
00:48:31.840 --> 00:48:35.800
You guys, all of you are willing to like give your love story to God, right?

836
00:48:35.800 --> 00:48:42.400
You're willing to be made willing to receive someone that may be not what you expected.

837
00:48:42.400 --> 00:48:45.960
Because I want to tell you a hundred percent of our success stories that last year, single

838
00:48:45.960 --> 00:48:50.400
and my matchmaking success stories, they did.

839
00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:55.680
The number one thing they say is this is not what I expected.

840
00:48:55.680 --> 00:48:58.760
This person was not what I thought that I would end up with.

841
00:48:58.760 --> 00:49:00.080
And that wasn't, that's not a dig.

842
00:49:00.080 --> 00:49:01.080
That's not derogatory.

843
00:49:01.080 --> 00:49:05.920
It just goes to show you about what you're thinking and about what reality is.

844
00:49:05.920 --> 00:49:09.800
And I'm hoping by the end of this 90 days, you're going to be willing to be made willing.

845
00:49:09.800 --> 00:49:14.040
Whatever silly, goofy ideas you have about what this might have to look like in order

846
00:49:14.040 --> 00:49:18.400
to be God or in order to be good, that you're going to let go of those things and that you're

847
00:49:18.400 --> 00:49:31.680
going to really be majoring, you know, on the majors instead of the minors.

848
00:49:31.680 --> 00:49:34.840
Especially for you ladies that are a little bit older, I love you ladies.

849
00:49:34.840 --> 00:49:40.480
And I see so many, uh, wise, wise women in here with grayer hair.

850
00:49:40.480 --> 00:49:42.400
I got gray hair, but I dye it.

851
00:49:42.400 --> 00:49:43.400
Okay.

852
00:49:43.400 --> 00:49:46.120
Just so you know, I am 51 years old.

853
00:49:46.120 --> 00:49:47.120
Okay.

854
00:49:47.120 --> 00:49:51.040
But, and you look beautiful and you can have it, but I just want to let you know, I hope

855
00:49:51.040 --> 00:49:54.840
that you're not thinking that you're going to marry a hunk, a hunk of burning love.

856
00:49:54.840 --> 00:49:57.240
All right.

857
00:49:57.240 --> 00:50:00.000
Now he's going to be cute to you.

858
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.480
He might not turn heads when he walks in the room.

859
00:50:04.080 --> 00:50:06.360
Cause I'm assuming that you're going to marry someone in, you know,

860
00:50:06.360 --> 00:50:07.760
that's close enough to your age.

861
00:50:07.760 --> 00:50:10.680
Although did you see that women are marrying men a lot younger right now?

862
00:50:10.880 --> 00:50:15.000
That's happening. I don't know if any of you knew, uh, one of my clients and,

863
00:50:15.000 --> 00:50:19.760
uh, she just married a man who's 13 years younger than her.

864
00:50:21.560 --> 00:50:23.920
Wait. Yeah.

865
00:50:25.240 --> 00:50:27.920
She's 78 and he's only 65.

866
00:50:28.920 --> 00:50:34.000
Come on, Louisa. Let's go. Yeah. I mean, it can happen.

867
00:50:34.400 --> 00:50:36.600
It can happen and it does happen for sure.

868
00:50:38.320 --> 00:50:40.200
I'm not telling you you're gonna marry someone you're not attracted to.

869
00:50:40.200 --> 00:50:43.280
I'm just telling you that your idea of attraction,

870
00:50:43.280 --> 00:50:46.760
if it's unrealistic is going to shift during this 90 days.

871
00:50:46.920 --> 00:50:50.400
So here's another way to be in control. I don't feel fireworks.

872
00:50:50.400 --> 00:50:52.960
So maybe you're not allowing yourself to feel fireworks because you want to stay

873
00:50:52.960 --> 00:50:56.240
in control. Maybe you say you want love, but you really are afraid of love.

874
00:50:56.400 --> 00:51:00.840
So you're staying in control of your nervous system and your feelings.

875
00:51:01.240 --> 00:51:04.280
Okay. All right. So all that's important.

876
00:51:04.640 --> 00:51:07.760
Control can look like eliminating and rejecting people.

877
00:51:07.760 --> 00:51:11.520
Control can also look like chasing people, you know, texting harder,

878
00:51:11.520 --> 00:51:13.440
trying better, trying, trying harder,

879
00:51:13.440 --> 00:51:16.760
trying to become everything and anything that they want. Um,

880
00:51:16.800 --> 00:51:21.240
control can look like people pleasing. Where do you want to eat? I don't care.

881
00:51:21.280 --> 00:51:25.120
What do you want to do? I don't care. Whatever works for you. I'm fine. I'm good.

882
00:51:25.240 --> 00:51:30.240
I absolutely don't care. Anybody else? And I don't care. Person go with the flow,

883
00:51:32.200 --> 00:51:34.560
chill, just whatever anybody else wants.

884
00:51:34.560 --> 00:51:37.640
And not even just in romantic relationship, just in friendships.

885
00:51:37.920 --> 00:51:42.920
You're just like always just so easy going and you'll just do whatever anybody

886
00:51:43.360 --> 00:51:46.640
else wants to do. Don't really have an opinion.

887
00:51:48.640 --> 00:51:49.840
I have a friend like this.

888
00:51:50.520 --> 00:51:55.320
She has a twin brother and every year the family goes on a vacation for their

889
00:51:55.320 --> 00:51:58.680
birthday because they're the only kids in the family,

890
00:51:58.680 --> 00:52:02.280
even though they're grownups and he always gets to pick where they go.

891
00:52:02.440 --> 00:52:06.240
It's a vacation and they always end up someplace where he wants to go.

892
00:52:06.240 --> 00:52:08.000
And I'm like, well,

893
00:52:08.040 --> 00:52:11.680
why don't you ever speak up and say where you want to go? And she's like, Oh,

894
00:52:11.680 --> 00:52:15.400
she's like, I just don't want to be difficult.

895
00:52:16.200 --> 00:52:20.560
She's that's control. She's trying to control what people think of her.

896
00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:24.160
Do you see how she's trying to control what people think of her?

897
00:52:24.160 --> 00:52:27.680
She said she doesn't want to be difficult. First of all,

898
00:52:27.680 --> 00:52:28.840
that's not difficult.

899
00:52:29.520 --> 00:52:32.400
Speaking up and saying that you want to make the choice sometime. I mean,

900
00:52:32.400 --> 00:52:36.360
you're the twin, right? You get a choice as well. You get a say as well,

901
00:52:36.720 --> 00:52:39.080
but she wants to control how other people perceive her.

902
00:52:39.080 --> 00:52:41.560
She wants people to perceive her as easygoing.

903
00:52:41.560 --> 00:52:44.800
She wants people to perceive her as someone who

904
00:52:47.560 --> 00:52:49.320
will do whatever anybody else wants,

905
00:52:49.320 --> 00:52:52.520
because they're not going to be someone causing conflict or someone who's making

906
00:52:52.520 --> 00:52:54.760
trouble. No,

907
00:52:55.080 --> 00:52:57.840
you don't get to control how other people see you.

908
00:52:59.000 --> 00:53:03.080
You have to be yourself and how other people see you is none of your business.

909
00:53:03.280 --> 00:53:07.160
You can't control that. Okay. All right.

910
00:53:07.720 --> 00:53:11.320
So let's talk about what's actually under your control. You're God given control.

911
00:53:11.360 --> 00:53:14.880
What's under your God given control. And we call these boundaries, don't we?

912
00:53:15.720 --> 00:53:17.920
What is on your side of the street?

913
00:53:17.920 --> 00:53:20.240
Cause boundaries are about who you are and who you're not,

914
00:53:20.240 --> 00:53:24.440
what you want and what you don't want. I always think of it as a property line.

915
00:53:25.000 --> 00:53:25.320
You know,

916
00:53:25.320 --> 00:53:28.960
I own a property and what's in my property line is my responsibility.

917
00:53:28.960 --> 00:53:31.200
I have to take care of it. And it also belongs to me.

918
00:53:31.200 --> 00:53:35.240
So I get say over what happens to it outside my property line,

919
00:53:35.240 --> 00:53:36.880
right outside my property line.

920
00:53:36.880 --> 00:53:41.880
One foot over my property line is my neighbor's responsibility.

921
00:53:43.600 --> 00:53:48.120
I don't get to say what happens on his property. I don't get to control it.

922
00:53:49.360 --> 00:53:51.080
I don't get to tell him what to do with it.

923
00:53:51.160 --> 00:53:55.280
And it also isn't my responsibility to upkeep it. I don't have to mow it.

924
00:53:55.400 --> 00:53:57.400
I don't have to take care of it. Do you see what I'm saying?

925
00:53:59.200 --> 00:54:01.960
And some of you think that you're like, Oh, I have good boundaries,

926
00:54:01.960 --> 00:54:06.800
but your boundaries may be fear and a little bit of control. Okay.

927
00:54:06.800 --> 00:54:08.360
So let's talk about it. All right.

928
00:54:08.840 --> 00:54:12.520
So control is usually protection.

929
00:54:12.560 --> 00:54:14.960
Usually that's what we're doing when we're trying to be controlling.

930
00:54:14.960 --> 00:54:17.520
We're usually trying to protect ourselves or somebody else.

931
00:54:18.400 --> 00:54:21.560
So that is, um,

932
00:54:22.160 --> 00:54:24.560
that's an important aspect of this. Okay.

933
00:54:24.560 --> 00:54:28.800
So let's go down to what is in our control.

934
00:54:32.840 --> 00:54:33.680
Okay.

935
00:54:37.120 --> 00:54:38.920
I want to skip that because I feel like that.

936
00:54:38.920 --> 00:54:41.680
I feel like you guys should do that work on your worksheet instead of me doing

937
00:54:41.680 --> 00:54:44.640
it with you. So let me just get through that. Okay.

938
00:54:46.880 --> 00:54:47.720
All right.

939
00:54:55.880 --> 00:54:56.720
You

940
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.240
Sorry, guys, I really don't want to I'm not going to cover any of that.

941
00:55:04.240 --> 00:55:08.600
I feel like I feel like you're gonna I feel like you're gonna do that as your as your

942
00:55:08.600 --> 00:55:09.600
work on your worksheet.

943
00:55:09.600 --> 00:55:13.120
And I think that that it's better that you do that so you can be really honest with it.

944
00:55:13.120 --> 00:55:14.120
Okay.

945
00:55:14.120 --> 00:55:15.120
All right.

946
00:55:15.120 --> 00:55:16.120
What time is it?

947
00:55:16.120 --> 00:55:17.120
All right.

948
00:55:17.120 --> 00:55:20.280
Okay, so let's talk really quickly about Christian control.

949
00:55:20.280 --> 00:55:21.880
I think this is really, really important.

950
00:55:21.880 --> 00:55:26.340
I've run into so many people that are stuck in their dating lives, stuck in other areas

951
00:55:26.340 --> 00:55:30.500
of their life because of something that they learned in church or some sort of mantra they're

952
00:55:30.500 --> 00:55:33.500
repeating to themselves that they think is godly.

953
00:55:33.500 --> 00:55:37.700
And it's important that we make sure that we're careful with this.

954
00:55:37.700 --> 00:55:38.700
Okay.

955
00:55:38.700 --> 00:55:40.900
One of them is I don't have peace.

956
00:55:40.900 --> 00:55:44.420
All right.

957
00:55:44.420 --> 00:55:47.300
I mean, am I saying that Holy Spirit's never warning us?

958
00:55:47.300 --> 00:55:50.900
No, I'm not saying that he's never warning us.

959
00:55:50.900 --> 00:56:02.260
But this is a really big place that a lot of people hide and stay in control.

960
00:56:02.260 --> 00:56:03.660
I just don't have peace about it.

961
00:56:03.660 --> 00:56:09.540
Well, you don't have peace about anything because you're in fear.

962
00:56:09.540 --> 00:56:14.380
It's important to recognize that you're afraid of making the wrong decision.

963
00:56:14.380 --> 00:56:17.060
You're afraid of afraid of choosing the wrong person.

964
00:56:17.060 --> 00:56:19.580
You're afraid of what happened before happening again.

965
00:56:19.580 --> 00:56:24.700
Yeah, you don't have peace because your nervous system is dysregulated and you're scared,

966
00:56:24.700 --> 00:56:27.820
but it's not because this person is bad or they're the wrong person.

967
00:56:27.820 --> 00:56:33.100
There's a very big difference between discerning that there's something off here and going

968
00:56:33.100 --> 00:56:40.100
with your gut on that and not having peace because you're operating in fear and control.

969
00:56:40.100 --> 00:56:41.100
Protecting yourself.

970
00:56:41.100 --> 00:56:42.220
We say this a lot in heart work.

971
00:56:42.220 --> 00:56:43.220
I'm going to say it here.

972
00:56:43.220 --> 00:56:45.820
You have to learn how to be God defended, not self defended.

973
00:56:45.820 --> 00:56:49.820
If all of you want a love story, you're going to have to learn how to be God defended and

974
00:56:49.820 --> 00:56:51.020
not self defended.

975
00:56:51.020 --> 00:56:52.020
What does that mean?

976
00:56:52.020 --> 00:56:57.300
That means God will show you what you need to see when and if you need to see it.

977
00:56:57.300 --> 00:56:59.140
What do I mean by if?

978
00:56:59.140 --> 00:57:02.900
You don't need to see everything.

979
00:57:02.900 --> 00:57:08.380
I can just sit before you right now and tell you that if God had allowed me to see how

980
00:57:08.380 --> 00:57:15.520
cuckoo my husband's former wife was, I probably wouldn't have married him because I had already

981
00:57:15.520 --> 00:57:18.040
got off the hot mess express.

982
00:57:18.040 --> 00:57:22.320
I had just come through a divorce with all kinds of crazy.

983
00:57:22.320 --> 00:57:25.920
And if I thought that I was signing up for more crazy in a blended family, there's a

984
00:57:25.920 --> 00:57:27.900
reason why blended rhymes with offended.

985
00:57:27.900 --> 00:57:31.120
And if I would have known that I was doing that, I probably would have missed the biggest

986
00:57:31.120 --> 00:57:32.280
blessing of my life.

987
00:57:32.280 --> 00:57:36.940
I'm 20 years in now, but the first two years, hard.

988
00:57:36.940 --> 00:57:40.120
And if God would have said, Hey Jackie, I'm giving you a spirit mate, I'm giving you everything

989
00:57:40.120 --> 00:57:44.200
you ever wanted, a supportive and godly man, a good man, a man that's going to love you,

990
00:57:44.200 --> 00:57:48.560
a man that's going to nurture you, a man that's going to nurse you back to health in

991
00:57:48.560 --> 00:57:51.680
ways that you've never experienced before from your parents.

992
00:57:51.680 --> 00:57:53.400
He's going to parent you in some ways.

993
00:57:53.400 --> 00:57:56.920
I've been fathered by my husband because remember, I've been abandoned by my family since I was

994
00:57:56.920 --> 00:57:59.320
a young girl, foster care, all kinds of stuff.

995
00:57:59.320 --> 00:58:01.600
I mean, this man has been such a blessing.

996
00:58:01.600 --> 00:58:03.520
Raising these children has been such a blessing.

997
00:58:03.520 --> 00:58:11.400
I would have not done it had I known what the first two years were going to be like.

998
00:58:11.400 --> 00:58:13.420
But God knew me better than I knew myself.

999
00:58:13.420 --> 00:58:15.700
He knew that I could come through those two years.

1000
00:58:15.700 --> 00:58:16.700
Were they easy?

1001
00:58:16.700 --> 00:58:18.660
No, they were not easy.

1002
00:58:18.660 --> 00:58:20.300
They weren't easy.

1003
00:58:20.300 --> 00:58:27.100
I can tell you now, his wife that caused a lot of trouble, his former wife, we're good

1004
00:58:27.100 --> 00:58:28.740
friends with her now.

1005
00:58:28.740 --> 00:58:32.420
She just texted me the other day and said, Hey, I'm going to be in Texas, do you want

1006
00:58:32.420 --> 00:58:33.420
to go get a massage?

1007
00:58:33.420 --> 00:58:36.140
And I was like, yeah, let's go girl.

1008
00:58:36.140 --> 00:58:41.300
So if you would have asked me in the first six months of marriage, if I thought that

1009
00:58:41.300 --> 00:58:43.420
was going to be the outcome, I would not have told you that.

1010
00:58:43.420 --> 00:58:49.300
I would have said, let me out of here.

1011
00:58:49.300 --> 00:58:56.420
Do you trust God with your love story to that level?

1012
00:58:56.420 --> 00:59:01.740
Because my head did not have peace, but my heart had peace.

1013
00:59:01.740 --> 00:59:08.540
My head was still trying to self-protect and self-defend, but my heart knew that I was

1014
00:59:08.540 --> 00:59:10.580
with a good man in a good place.

1015
00:59:11.380 --> 00:59:12.660
So I don't have peace is a big one.

1016
00:59:12.660 --> 00:59:15.300
I'm guarding my heart.

1017
00:59:15.300 --> 00:59:17.540
I'm guarding my heart is another one.

1018
00:59:17.540 --> 00:59:24.060
These are just little Christian, little Christian controlling statements.

1019
00:59:24.060 --> 00:59:25.860
I'm guarding my heart.

1020
00:59:25.860 --> 00:59:30.060
I refuse to become vulnerable until someone guarantees me that they're not going to hurt

1021
00:59:30.060 --> 00:59:32.580
me.

1022
00:59:32.580 --> 00:59:33.580
Come on.

1023
00:59:33.580 --> 00:59:40.340
Do you know how many people I've seen sabotage a good beginning to a relationship because

1024
00:59:40.380 --> 00:59:42.620
they won't open up?

1025
00:59:42.620 --> 00:59:46.820
They won't open up because they want to guarantee that this is their spouse first.

1026
00:59:46.820 --> 00:59:48.900
They want to guarantee you guys, that's not how it works.

1027
00:59:48.900 --> 00:59:52.660
The way that people fall in love with each other is by vulnerability.

1028
00:59:52.660 --> 00:59:56.100
Now for those of you that have raced ahead and you're trying to control that person falling

1029
00:59:56.100 --> 01:00:00.020
in love with you by TMI and giving them too much of yourself and all the other things

1030
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:02.580
that we'll get into later in coaching,

1031
01:00:02.580 --> 01:00:05.040
I can see why you want to pull back a little bit, and that's good.

1032
01:00:05.040 --> 01:00:06.580
And I'm going to teach you to pull back a little bit.

1033
01:00:06.580 --> 01:00:08.960
But there are other people that won't let people in at all.

1034
01:00:10.760 --> 01:00:13.960
You're leaning more on the avoidance side of attachment.

1035
01:00:15.300 --> 01:00:17.760
You want a guarantee before you

1036
01:00:17.760 --> 01:00:19.880
that they're not going to hurt you before you let them in.

1037
01:00:20.060 --> 01:00:23.520
OK, the other one is I'm waiting on God.

1038
01:00:23.520 --> 01:00:24.940
Till when?

1039
01:00:25.440 --> 01:00:27.440
Till we're in the

1040
01:00:27.820 --> 01:00:29.740
old folks home?

1041
01:00:29.760 --> 01:00:33.560
I saw a guy get down and propose on one knee at the nursing home.

1042
01:00:33.560 --> 01:00:35.520
He's probably 98 years old.

1043
01:00:38.860 --> 01:00:39.820
OK.

1044
01:00:40.360 --> 01:00:43.060
They got a couple of good years, few puddings ahead of them,

1045
01:00:43.400 --> 01:00:46.320
but we ain't waiting till then, friends.

1046
01:00:46.740 --> 01:00:50.040
All right. I'm waiting on God.

1047
01:00:51.420 --> 01:00:54.880
It's healthy to say I am trusting God's timing

1048
01:00:54.880 --> 01:00:57.840
while actively doing my part.

1049
01:00:58.520 --> 01:01:01.440
It's control and passivity when we say.

1050
01:01:02.900 --> 01:01:04.820
I'm not dating. I'm waiting.

1051
01:01:04.820 --> 01:01:07.320
And if God wants me to be married, he knows my address.

1052
01:01:10.500 --> 01:01:13.660
OK, and the other thing that's not necessarily Christian-y

1053
01:01:13.660 --> 01:01:16.960
and it's not not necessarily a Christian control tactic,

1054
01:01:16.960 --> 01:01:19.920
but it is a control tactic, is your standards.

1055
01:01:20.260 --> 01:01:22.540
We are going to make a very rock solid list

1056
01:01:22.540 --> 01:01:25.640
that I'm going to challenge you on as far as non-negotiables that you need.

1057
01:01:25.640 --> 01:01:27.820
Not all of you need the same non-negotiables, just so you know.

1058
01:01:27.820 --> 01:01:29.820
So don't judge each other's non-negotiables.

1059
01:01:30.820 --> 01:01:33.060
Now, if you put something on that list, when we get to that week,

1060
01:01:33.060 --> 01:01:35.360
I'm going to press you on it if I don't think it should be there

1061
01:01:35.360 --> 01:01:37.360
until you prove to me it should.

1062
01:01:39.080 --> 01:01:40.360
Everything else is going to be a preference.

1063
01:01:40.360 --> 01:01:41.620
Everything else is gravy.

1064
01:01:43.080 --> 01:01:45.240
Trust me, God gives you your preferences, too.

1065
01:01:45.240 --> 01:01:47.120
But these are the things that you have to do.

1066
01:01:47.120 --> 01:01:48.500
These are the things that you have to have.

1067
01:01:48.500 --> 01:01:50.500
These are the deal breakers.

1068
01:01:50.500 --> 01:01:51.800
Those are important stuff.

1069
01:01:51.800 --> 01:01:54.080
So people will hide behind standards.

1070
01:01:54.280 --> 01:01:56.280
Because they want to stay in control.

1071
01:01:56.280 --> 01:01:58.280
Here's a healthy standard.

1072
01:01:58.280 --> 01:02:02.660
I need someone who shares my faith and has demonstrated character.

1073
01:02:02.660 --> 01:02:04.660
They have a demonstrated character.

1074
01:02:04.660 --> 01:02:06.660
Not just they say they're a good person.

1075
01:02:06.660 --> 01:02:08.660
They say they're a good Christian.

1076
01:02:08.660 --> 01:02:10.660
They have a demonstrated character.

1077
01:02:10.660 --> 01:02:12.660
That's a really great standard or non-negotiable.

1078
01:02:14.660 --> 01:02:16.660
Here's being in control.

1079
01:02:20.180 --> 01:02:22.180
They have to be 6'2", never divorce, exempt.

1080
01:02:22.280 --> 01:02:24.280
They have to be 6'2", never divorce,

1081
01:02:24.280 --> 01:02:26.280
exactly my denomination, make $175,000 a year,

1082
01:02:26.280 --> 01:02:28.280
live within 12 miles of me,

1083
01:02:28.280 --> 01:02:30.280
have no complicated family history,

1084
01:02:30.280 --> 01:02:32.280
and preferably hear from God

1085
01:02:32.280 --> 01:02:34.280
in exactly the same way that I do.

1086
01:02:36.280 --> 01:02:38.280
I've literally had someone say that to me.

1087
01:02:40.280 --> 01:02:42.280
And think there's nothing wrong with it.

1088
01:02:42.280 --> 01:02:44.280
I've had people boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

1089
01:02:44.280 --> 01:02:46.280
about being single to me.

1090
01:02:46.280 --> 01:02:48.280
I'm not downplaying being single.

1091
01:02:48.280 --> 01:02:50.280
I know that it hurts sometimes.

1092
01:02:50.380 --> 01:02:52.380
And you want to be married,

1093
01:02:52.380 --> 01:02:54.380
and you want to be partnered

1094
01:02:54.380 --> 01:02:56.380
because it's in your DNA,

1095
01:02:56.380 --> 01:02:58.380
and you should want it.

1096
01:02:58.380 --> 01:03:00.380
But I've had people cry, cry, cry a river.

1097
01:03:00.380 --> 01:03:02.380
And then when I was like,

1098
01:03:02.380 --> 01:03:04.380
okay, listen, I'm going to help you.

1099
01:03:04.380 --> 01:03:06.380
You are? Yes, I'm going to help you.

1100
01:03:06.380 --> 01:03:08.380
Okay, are you willing to bend on this?

1101
01:03:08.380 --> 01:03:10.380
No.

1102
01:03:10.380 --> 01:03:12.380
How about this? No.

1103
01:03:12.380 --> 01:03:14.380
How about this? No.

1104
01:03:14.380 --> 01:03:16.380
Oh, so you're telling me

1105
01:03:16.380 --> 01:03:18.380
that you're not willing to compromise anything?

1106
01:03:18.480 --> 01:03:20.480
All preferences.

1107
01:03:20.480 --> 01:03:22.480
All of them.

1108
01:03:22.480 --> 01:03:24.480
Okay.

1109
01:03:24.480 --> 01:03:26.480
Okay.

1110
01:03:26.480 --> 01:03:28.480
Now, surrendering,

1111
01:03:28.480 --> 01:03:30.480
which is what we're doing right now,

1112
01:03:30.480 --> 01:03:32.480
or surrendering control,

1113
01:03:32.480 --> 01:03:34.480
it does not mean becoming stupid.

1114
01:03:34.480 --> 01:03:36.480
And this is where we're going to end tonight.

1115
01:03:36.480 --> 01:03:38.480
It doesn't mean becoming stupid.

1116
01:03:38.480 --> 01:03:40.480
Follow your heart, but take your head with you.

1117
01:03:40.480 --> 01:03:42.480
It doesn't mean becoming stupid.

1118
01:03:42.480 --> 01:03:44.480
It doesn't mean ignoring red flags,

1119
01:03:44.480 --> 01:03:46.480
staying with unhealthy people,

1120
01:03:46.580 --> 01:03:48.580
it doesn't mean never asking questions,

1121
01:03:48.580 --> 01:03:50.580
never initiating, becoming passive, Dan.

1122
01:03:50.580 --> 01:03:52.580
No, it doesn't mean

1123
01:03:52.580 --> 01:03:54.580
stop making decisions for yourself.

1124
01:03:54.580 --> 01:03:56.580
No, it doesn't.

1125
01:04:00.580 --> 01:04:02.580
Here's an example that I wrote down.

1126
01:04:02.580 --> 01:04:04.580
Okay, say that you're dating someone

1127
01:04:04.580 --> 01:04:06.580
who keeps canceling.

1128
01:04:06.580 --> 01:04:08.580
They keep canceling on you.

1129
01:04:08.580 --> 01:04:10.580
And one of your standards

1130
01:04:10.580 --> 01:04:12.580
is consistency.

1131
01:04:12.580 --> 01:04:14.580
Right? That's one of your standards.

1132
01:04:15.080 --> 01:04:17.080
Someone who can demonstrate consistency.

1133
01:04:17.080 --> 01:04:19.080
And this person, either they just don't have

1134
01:04:19.080 --> 01:04:21.080
room in their life to date, or they're not interested

1135
01:04:21.080 --> 01:04:23.080
in dating you, but either way, it doesn't matter

1136
01:04:23.080 --> 01:04:25.080
because they're not your person

1137
01:04:25.080 --> 01:04:27.080
if they're going to continue to cancel on you.

1138
01:04:27.080 --> 01:04:29.080
Whether they're male or female, Dan, that's for you too.

1139
01:04:29.080 --> 01:04:31.080
And so surrender may mean

1140
01:04:31.080 --> 01:04:33.080
in this situation, I can't control

1141
01:04:33.080 --> 01:04:35.080
whether this person becomes consistent

1142
01:04:35.080 --> 01:04:37.080
no matter how much I like them.

1143
01:04:37.080 --> 01:04:39.080
No matter how much chemistry

1144
01:04:39.080 --> 01:04:41.080
I have with them, I can't control that.

1145
01:04:41.080 --> 01:04:43.080
But I can decide that

1146
01:04:43.580 --> 01:04:45.580
consistent behavior doesn't work for me.

1147
01:04:47.580 --> 01:04:49.580
It doesn't work for me.

1148
01:04:49.580 --> 01:04:51.580
Okay.

1149
01:04:51.580 --> 01:04:53.580
Surrender means doing what is yours to do

1150
01:04:53.580 --> 01:04:55.580
and releasing what is not.

1151
01:04:55.580 --> 01:04:57.580
Alright?

1152
01:04:57.580 --> 01:04:59.580
And then we're going to release.

1153
01:04:59.580 --> 01:05:01.580
That's the second word.

1154
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.480
We're going to realign.

1155
01:05:01.480 --> 01:05:02.780
So we're going to,

1156
01:05:02.780 --> 01:05:04.420
there's a lot of things that we can influence

1157
01:05:04.420 --> 01:05:05.840
and we're gonna do that, you guys,

1158
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:08.160
during these 12 weeks, 11 weeks.

1159
01:05:08.160 --> 01:05:09.440
We're gonna improve our profiles.

1160
01:05:09.440 --> 01:05:10.600
We're gonna get back on the apps

1161
01:05:10.600 --> 01:05:13.400
if that's gonna be part of your course that I assign you.

1162
01:05:13.400 --> 01:05:14.380
We're gonna attend events.

1163
01:05:14.380 --> 01:05:15.640
We're gonna tell friends what we're looking for.

1164
01:05:15.640 --> 01:05:18.040
We're gonna put together our relationship advisory circle.

1165
01:05:18.040 --> 01:05:19.840
We're gonna start conversations.

1166
01:05:19.840 --> 01:05:21.220
We're gonna accept invitations.

1167
01:05:21.220 --> 01:05:24.360
We're going to increase our opportunities,

1168
01:05:24.360 --> 01:05:27.480
increase our six degrees of separation.

1169
01:05:27.480 --> 01:05:29.760
But we have to release ideas like,

1170
01:05:29.760 --> 01:05:31.120
I wanna be married by Christmas.

1171
01:05:31.120 --> 01:05:32.480
First of all, that's four months from now

1172
01:05:32.480 --> 01:05:34.480
and I will never sign off on that.

1173
01:05:34.480 --> 01:05:36.960
You're on your own if you're gonna do that, okay?

1174
01:05:36.960 --> 01:05:37.800
All right.

1175
01:05:38.720 --> 01:05:41.300
You can prioritize what I just said,

1176
01:05:41.300 --> 01:05:43.340
but you have to release the outcome.

1177
01:05:44.980 --> 01:05:46.680
I'm gonna call her out because I love her,

1178
01:05:46.680 --> 01:05:50.280
but she already gave an example of this

1179
01:05:50.280 --> 01:05:51.120
that I thought was good.

1180
01:05:51.120 --> 01:05:56.120
Vivian, in our onboarding, in our kickoff call,

1181
01:05:57.160 --> 01:05:58.440
she was like,

1182
01:05:58.440 --> 01:05:59.960
I need to know how many of your clients

1183
01:05:59.960 --> 01:06:01.760
this has worked for, basically.

1184
01:06:01.760 --> 01:06:03.620
Were there any clients that it didn't work for?

1185
01:06:03.620 --> 01:06:04.460
What was she doing?

1186
01:06:04.460 --> 01:06:06.120
She was looking for certainty, right?

1187
01:06:08.080 --> 01:06:12.200
She was looking for, hey, I wanna control the outcome.

1188
01:06:12.200 --> 01:06:14.280
I wanna make sure the outcome is what I want it to be.

1189
01:06:14.280 --> 01:06:16.440
And you guys, we all do this.

1190
01:06:16.440 --> 01:06:17.260
We all do it.

1191
01:06:17.260 --> 01:06:20.040
It doesn't look the same on all of us, but we all do it.

1192
01:06:20.040 --> 01:06:22.360
So you're gonna influence what you can influence

1193
01:06:22.360 --> 01:06:25.160
and then you have to release and align.

1194
01:06:25.160 --> 01:06:26.220
You're gonna align with God

1195
01:06:26.220 --> 01:06:29.440
and you're gonna release the outcome to Him.

1196
01:06:29.440 --> 01:06:32.060
But the Bible says that when we sow, we reap.

1197
01:06:32.060 --> 01:06:34.160
And you guys, that's not just about money.

1198
01:06:35.220 --> 01:06:37.240
I know that people use that as a money scripture a lot,

1199
01:06:37.240 --> 01:06:38.080
but it's not.

1200
01:06:38.080 --> 01:06:39.980
In fact, it's out of context to use it as money.

1201
01:06:39.980 --> 01:06:42.100
It's talking about sowing to the kingdom.

1202
01:06:42.100 --> 01:06:44.680
We sow to kingdom things and we reap kingdom things.

1203
01:06:44.680 --> 01:06:47.260
And all of you have invested your time and your energy.

1204
01:06:47.260 --> 01:06:48.700
I was praying for you guys this morning.

1205
01:06:48.700 --> 01:06:50.780
I was interceding for all of you guys this morning.

1206
01:06:50.780 --> 01:06:53.860
And I know that what you have given to God

1207
01:06:53.860 --> 01:06:55.420
will produce fruit.

1208
01:06:56.340 --> 01:06:58.620
You're going to have fruit from this 90 days.

1209
01:06:58.620 --> 01:06:59.820
You are gonna have breakthrough.

1210
01:06:59.820 --> 01:07:01.580
You are gonna have transformation.

1211
01:07:02.540 --> 01:07:03.380
Okay.

1212
01:07:09.380 --> 01:07:11.780
Okay, so we're trusting God with our love story.

1213
01:07:14.860 --> 01:07:16.340
Gosh, I really do wanna say this.

1214
01:07:16.340 --> 01:07:17.180
I know we're a little bit over,

1215
01:07:17.180 --> 01:07:18.460
but I just wanna say this, okay?

1216
01:07:18.460 --> 01:07:21.180
So I'm trusting God with my love story,

1217
01:07:21.180 --> 01:07:24.660
but that you're simultaneously furious about the timeline.

1218
01:07:26.540 --> 01:07:28.900
You're comparing yourself constantly to other people

1219
01:07:28.900 --> 01:07:30.660
that are having success.

1220
01:07:30.660 --> 01:07:32.420
Every wedding triggers you.

1221
01:07:32.420 --> 01:07:34.180
Every birthday feels like evidence

1222
01:07:34.180 --> 01:07:35.940
that you've been forgotten.

1223
01:07:35.940 --> 01:07:38.780
You're convinced that something has gone wrong somewhere.

1224
01:07:39.900 --> 01:07:42.580
You're constantly in a place where you're demanding

1225
01:07:42.580 --> 01:07:45.960
it to be explained to you why this has not happened for you.

1226
01:07:47.060 --> 01:07:48.580
And so there's lots of disappointment

1227
01:07:48.580 --> 01:07:50.140
underneath that surrender language.

1228
01:07:50.140 --> 01:07:51.940
Look, you don't have to be perfect in your surrender

1229
01:07:51.940 --> 01:07:53.380
and we all get upset.

1230
01:07:53.380 --> 01:07:56.420
But if you see yourself in this a lot and frequently,

1231
01:07:56.420 --> 01:07:57.820
what I just described,

1232
01:07:57.820 --> 01:08:00.500
it means that you're still trying to be in control.

1233
01:08:02.060 --> 01:08:02.900
Okay?

1234
01:08:04.620 --> 01:08:06.100
We're not gonna be passive here, friends.

1235
01:08:06.100 --> 01:08:07.540
We're gonna do a lot of work.

1236
01:08:10.700 --> 01:08:12.140
But we have to trust God's character

1237
01:08:12.140 --> 01:08:15.580
even when we don't understand timing that we feel is on Him.

1238
01:08:15.580 --> 01:08:17.779
Now, one of the things that you're gonna be able to do

1239
01:08:17.779 --> 01:08:19.060
in this 90 days

1240
01:08:19.060 --> 01:08:21.380
is you're gonna be able to own what belongs to you

1241
01:08:21.380 --> 01:08:23.260
because some of you are waiting for God to do something

1242
01:08:23.260 --> 01:08:27.319
that absolutely is inside of your property line.

1243
01:08:30.779 --> 01:08:33.620
And one of the things that I'm gonna help you get rid of,

1244
01:08:33.620 --> 01:08:35.740
the control idea of,

1245
01:08:35.740 --> 01:08:38.700
is that marriage is going to prove that you're lovable,

1246
01:08:38.700 --> 01:08:41.100
that you're desirable, that you're worthy,

1247
01:08:41.100 --> 01:08:43.500
that your age isn't a problem,

1248
01:08:43.500 --> 01:08:45.700
that your ex was wrong about you,

1249
01:08:45.700 --> 01:08:47.439
that divorce didn't ruin you,

1250
01:08:47.439 --> 01:08:48.600
that your family was wrong,

1251
01:08:48.600 --> 01:08:50.560
that your life finally worked out.

1252
01:08:50.560 --> 01:08:53.279
All of those things are things that we'll be releasing

1253
01:08:53.279 --> 01:08:56.840
and realigning into what God is really saying about us.

1254
01:08:56.840 --> 01:08:58.600
And we'll do some of that work next week.

1255
01:08:58.600 --> 01:09:00.640
Okay, so the receiving challenge

1256
01:09:00.640 --> 01:09:02.460
is something that's on your last worksheet.

1257
01:09:02.460 --> 01:09:03.800
I'm just gonna go over it really quickly

1258
01:09:03.800 --> 01:09:05.380
so if you have any questions.

1259
01:09:05.380 --> 01:09:06.660
So you're gonna do your worksheet.

1260
01:09:06.660 --> 01:09:08.140
It's gonna dig deeper into the stuff

1261
01:09:08.140 --> 01:09:09.319
that we talked about today.

1262
01:09:09.319 --> 01:09:11.140
And then you're gonna pick one area

1263
01:09:11.140 --> 01:09:13.200
that really gets highlighted

1264
01:09:13.200 --> 01:09:16.000
that you really need to coach on on Thursday.

1265
01:09:16.000 --> 01:09:18.279
And we're gonna dig in lots of Q&A,

1266
01:09:18.279 --> 01:09:20.840
role-playing possibly, breakouts possibly,

1267
01:09:20.840 --> 01:09:22.200
whatever needs to happen for us

1268
01:09:22.200 --> 01:09:24.760
to really dig into this material.

1269
01:09:24.760 --> 01:09:26.319
But then there's a receiving challenge

1270
01:09:26.319 --> 01:09:27.760
at the end of that last worksheet,

1271
01:09:27.760 --> 01:09:30.600
right before your declaration permission prayer.

1272
01:09:30.600 --> 01:09:35.240
And that says that from here until we meet on Thursday

1273
01:09:35.240 --> 01:09:37.319
and really honestly until next Monday

1274
01:09:37.319 --> 01:09:39.560
when we start a new module,

1275
01:09:39.560 --> 01:09:44.319
you are gonna be assigned to deliberately receive something

1276
01:09:44.359 --> 01:09:46.880
that you normally would control, reject, minimize,

1277
01:09:46.880 --> 01:09:50.080
or immediately need to reciprocate, okay?

1278
01:09:50.080 --> 01:09:51.120
So letting someone help you

1279
01:09:51.120 --> 01:09:52.880
without offering to do anything for them,

1280
01:09:52.880 --> 01:09:55.320
accepting compliments without deflecting,

1281
01:09:55.320 --> 01:09:57.280
let somebody else choose the restaurant,

1282
01:09:57.280 --> 01:09:58.560
ask for help for something.

1283
01:09:58.560 --> 01:09:59.720
Maybe you don't even need help

1284
01:09:59.720 --> 01:10:00.560
because you're.

1285
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.120
so self-sufficient, but you're gonna ask for help anyway.

1286
01:10:03.120 --> 01:10:04.480
It's gonna be really difficult for you guys

1287
01:10:04.480 --> 01:10:07.240
to ask for help for something that you don't need help for.

1288
01:10:07.240 --> 01:10:09.160
It's gonna feel like feigned helplessness

1289
01:10:09.160 --> 01:10:10.320
for you ladies probably,

1290
01:10:10.320 --> 01:10:13.660
and Dan, it might be really hard for you, just in general,

1291
01:10:13.660 --> 01:10:16.160
but you guys are gonna do it, okay?

1292
01:10:16.160 --> 01:10:18.200
You're gonna tell someone what you actually need.

1293
01:10:18.200 --> 01:10:19.600
When someone asks you how you are,

1294
01:10:19.600 --> 01:10:21.520
you're gonna tell them the truth.

1295
01:10:21.520 --> 01:10:23.060
You're gonna tell them the truth of how you are

1296
01:10:23.060 --> 01:10:24.960
without complaining or bellyaching.

1297
01:10:24.960 --> 01:10:28.280
You're gonna allow yourself not to know what happens next.

1298
01:10:28.280 --> 01:10:30.480
You're gonna purposely not control something

1299
01:10:30.480 --> 01:10:32.320
that you would normally control,

1300
01:10:32.320 --> 01:10:35.440
and so you're gonna write about

1301
01:10:35.440 --> 01:10:37.280
how you feel in your body when you do that.

1302
01:10:37.280 --> 01:10:39.240
What happened, how do you feel,

1303
01:10:40.320 --> 01:10:41.920
what happened when you wanted to control,

1304
01:10:41.920 --> 01:10:44.000
what happened when you didn't control,

1305
01:10:44.000 --> 01:10:47.000
and that is gonna give us fantastic material

1306
01:10:47.000 --> 01:10:49.760
for Thursday's coaching, all right?

1307
01:10:49.760 --> 01:10:51.000
All right, friends.

1308
01:10:51.000 --> 01:10:52.240
I hope that you learned a few things.

1309
01:10:52.240 --> 01:10:53.440
Who has a couple questions?

1310
01:10:53.440 --> 01:10:55.480
We'll take questions for about two or three minutes here

1311
01:10:55.480 --> 01:10:56.520
before we let you go.

1312
01:10:59.280 --> 01:11:02.280
Anyone see themselves in anything that we said tonight?

1313
01:11:03.360 --> 01:11:04.520
I have a question.

1314
01:11:04.520 --> 01:11:05.720
Yeah, hi.

1315
01:11:05.720 --> 01:11:06.560
Hi.

1316
01:11:07.720 --> 01:11:08.720
Can you see me?

1317
01:11:08.720 --> 01:11:09.560
Yeah.

1318
01:11:09.560 --> 01:11:10.400
Oh, okay.

1319
01:11:10.400 --> 01:11:13.720
Would asking for help be something like,

1320
01:11:13.720 --> 01:11:18.000
like I wanna get more out and about in the community

1321
01:11:18.000 --> 01:11:20.040
since I'm not on the apps and stuff like that,

1322
01:11:20.040 --> 01:11:23.840
but part of my like, just being out there kind of thing,

1323
01:11:23.840 --> 01:11:25.720
and I wanna ask my church fam,

1324
01:11:26.080 --> 01:11:27.840
someone to accompany me,

1325
01:11:28.840 --> 01:11:30.160
like would that be?

1326
01:11:30.160 --> 01:11:31.320
I love that.

1327
01:11:31.320 --> 01:11:33.520
You mean just like a wing woman or like?

1328
01:11:33.520 --> 01:11:35.000
Yeah, like I just don't wanna go by myself.

1329
01:11:35.000 --> 01:11:36.160
I mean, I'll have my poodle with me,

1330
01:11:36.160 --> 01:11:38.320
but like I want a person.

1331
01:11:38.320 --> 01:11:40.240
Wait, you'll have your poodle with you?

1332
01:11:40.240 --> 01:11:42.240
Yeah, but that's not a person, right?

1333
01:11:42.240 --> 01:11:43.080
Like I'm just saying.

1334
01:11:43.080 --> 01:11:45.400
You'll always just have your poodle with you though?

1335
01:11:47.080 --> 01:11:47.920
I just wanna know.

1336
01:11:49.280 --> 01:11:50.120
Is it a little poodle?

1337
01:11:50.120 --> 01:11:51.160
Is it a big poodle?

1338
01:11:51.160 --> 01:11:52.240
It's a big poodle.

1339
01:11:52.240 --> 01:11:53.280
He's huge.

1340
01:11:53.280 --> 01:11:54.880
I get him, I get him.

1341
01:11:55.440 --> 01:11:57.680
I get into a lot of conversations with him.

1342
01:11:57.680 --> 01:11:59.880
Matter of fact, there's a guy who I think is moving in

1343
01:11:59.880 --> 01:12:02.400
who literally stopped and talked to me, talked to him.

1344
01:12:02.400 --> 01:12:05.760
Oh yeah, people love dogs, unless they don't, but yeah.

1345
01:12:05.760 --> 01:12:08.480
So, but I know there's a time to like,

1346
01:12:08.480 --> 01:12:10.400
just be by yourself kind of thing, you know?

1347
01:12:10.400 --> 01:12:11.640
No, I love the wing woman.

1348
01:12:11.640 --> 01:12:13.600
You guys, so many people make excuses

1349
01:12:13.600 --> 01:12:14.800
about not going places

1350
01:12:14.800 --> 01:12:15.920
because they have no one to go with.

1351
01:12:15.920 --> 01:12:18.040
Well, ask someone to go with you.

1352
01:12:18.040 --> 01:12:19.360
Helen's right, ask someone to go with you.

1353
01:12:19.360 --> 01:12:21.560
Ask someone to be a wing woman, a wing man.

1354
01:12:22.560 --> 01:12:25.400
You know, Dan, we're gonna get to a place in the module.

1355
01:12:25.400 --> 01:12:26.920
We're gonna do a lot of outer work.

1356
01:12:26.920 --> 01:12:30.320
And you know, if you have any female friends

1357
01:12:30.320 --> 01:12:32.720
that you want to ask to go shopping

1358
01:12:32.720 --> 01:12:34.320
to pick out some new shirts for you,

1359
01:12:34.320 --> 01:12:36.120
it's not romantic, it's not flirtation.

1360
01:12:36.120 --> 01:12:37.960
It's just, you know, if you have friends like that

1361
01:12:37.960 --> 01:12:41.560
that are females, I think you should do that.

1362
01:12:41.560 --> 01:12:43.800
You know, going into a store that has female employees

1363
01:12:43.800 --> 01:12:45.200
that work there, like clothing store

1364
01:12:45.200 --> 01:12:47.280
and asking them to like, hey, do you like this?

1365
01:12:47.280 --> 01:12:48.160
How does this look?

1366
01:12:48.160 --> 01:12:49.520
Ladies, same thing.

1367
01:12:49.560 --> 01:12:51.720
You know, you can ask someone to, you know,

1368
01:12:51.720 --> 01:12:55.520
weigh in on what they think about, you know,

1369
01:12:55.520 --> 01:12:57.680
your shoes or your shirt or your dress or, you know,

1370
01:12:57.680 --> 01:13:00.880
something, whether it's a woman, whether it's a man.

1371
01:13:00.880 --> 01:13:02.800
Ask people to help you.

1372
01:13:02.800 --> 01:13:04.880
We've been created to be interdependent.

1373
01:13:04.880 --> 01:13:06.040
Karen, what do you got?

1374
01:13:08.200 --> 01:13:12.960
I was gonna say, well, so as far as like boundary busters,

1375
01:13:12.960 --> 01:13:16.880
I heard, I like saw myself a lot,

1376
01:13:16.920 --> 01:13:19.440
but it was like, I saw myself,

1377
01:13:19.440 --> 01:13:24.440
but like there's a, ah, I wish I had a good example.

1378
01:13:26.040 --> 01:13:29.760
So a boundary buster, like it was the first time

1379
01:13:29.760 --> 01:13:32.200
we were supposed to have a video call.

1380
01:13:32.200 --> 01:13:34.400
He doesn't show up for it.

1381
01:13:34.400 --> 01:13:37.680
And then, so I text, are you having any issues

1382
01:13:37.680 --> 01:13:40.680
with the video, you know, getting on?

1383
01:13:40.680 --> 01:13:44.520
And I don't hear from him for like 10, 20 minutes.

1384
01:13:44.520 --> 01:13:48.240
And he says, I just got home from the gym.

1385
01:13:49.360 --> 01:13:51.000
Give me a few minutes.

1386
01:13:51.000 --> 01:13:53.040
And so, you know, like 10 minutes,

1387
01:13:53.040 --> 01:13:57.000
but he knew I had a hard stop at a particular time.

1388
01:13:57.000 --> 01:13:58.400
It was like eight o'clock, I'm done.

1389
01:13:58.400 --> 01:13:59.880
I've got it.

1390
01:13:59.880 --> 01:14:00.960
I've got a pack.

1391
01:14:00.960 --> 01:14:02.360
I'm leaving in the morning.

1392
01:14:02.360 --> 01:14:04.600
You know, this is it.

1393
01:14:04.600 --> 01:14:06.920
Well, then, well, just give me a couple more minutes.

1394
01:14:06.920 --> 01:14:09.280
I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.

1395
01:14:09.280 --> 01:14:13.320
And it was like, ah, you know,

1396
01:14:13.760 --> 01:14:16.320
we're gonna plan on a time at seven.

1397
01:14:16.320 --> 01:14:17.240
So then he-

1398
01:14:17.240 --> 01:14:18.360
So what this man is telling you

1399
01:14:18.360 --> 01:14:20.240
is that there are things in his life

1400
01:14:20.240 --> 01:14:23.160
that are more important to him than getting to know you.

1401
01:14:23.160 --> 01:14:24.160
Well, absolutely.

1402
01:14:24.160 --> 01:14:26.280
So that was a boundary buster immediately.

1403
01:14:26.280 --> 01:14:28.240
And I had, you know, and I just said, I'm sorry,

1404
01:14:28.240 --> 01:14:30.520
you know, it's not gonna happen tonight.

1405
01:14:30.520 --> 01:14:32.480
And he's like, tell me what I did wrong.

1406
01:14:32.480 --> 01:14:35.720
And I thought, nah, I'm not gonna do with that either.

1407
01:14:35.720 --> 01:14:37.960
So it was like, you know, take care.

1408
01:14:37.960 --> 01:14:40.880
I blessed him, blocked him, and that was it.

1409
01:14:40.880 --> 01:14:43.240
So I feel like I did that right.

1410
01:14:44.000 --> 01:14:46.320
And that I'm not too stringent on, you know,

1411
01:14:46.320 --> 01:14:47.520
Well, you know, there's a couple of things

1412
01:14:47.520 --> 01:14:49.520
that could be different about that situation,

1413
01:14:49.520 --> 01:14:52.200
depending on who made the appointment.

1414
01:14:52.200 --> 01:14:53.880
You know, who agreed to the appointment?

1415
01:14:53.880 --> 01:14:54.880
Who made the appointment?

1416
01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:56.400
Did you set up the video gate?

1417
01:14:56.400 --> 01:14:59.080
Was it you that said what time it needed to be at?

1418
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.800
No, we discussed, um, like we, we discussed moving it off, you know, on to a, like, this

1419
01:15:05.800 --> 01:15:10.640
is the next step moving it on to, uh, and we had a cute conversation, you know, leading

1420
01:15:10.640 --> 01:15:11.640
up to that.

1421
01:15:11.640 --> 01:15:14.980
It was like, you know, it just felt like the next natural step.

1422
01:15:14.980 --> 01:15:20.840
And so, um, you know, we agreed what time we agreed what date, you know, and, you know,

1423
01:15:20.840 --> 01:15:24.280
we just figured out the details to how to set it up.

1424
01:15:24.280 --> 01:15:26.040
So I wasn't controlling it.

1425
01:15:26.040 --> 01:15:27.400
He wasn't controlling it.

1426
01:15:27.400 --> 01:15:33.160
It was just a, it was just a, let's talk about it, figure it out, figure it out and

1427
01:15:33.160 --> 01:15:34.160
go from there.

1428
01:15:34.160 --> 01:15:37.520
And ladies, those of you that are kind of, you know, older, you're going to run into

1429
01:15:37.520 --> 01:15:41.160
this that there's a lot of men that are older.

1430
01:15:41.160 --> 01:15:44.280
This is not all men, and I don't want you to hear discouragement in this, but a lot

1431
01:15:44.280 --> 01:15:52.880
of men after a certain age, they're not really, really, really motivated to get married.

1432
01:15:52.880 --> 01:15:55.760
They're not because they've been single for a long time.

1433
01:15:55.760 --> 01:15:59.120
Now the guys that are motivated are guys that, you know, they were married, they're

1434
01:15:59.120 --> 01:16:00.120
divorced now.

1435
01:16:00.120 --> 01:16:01.560
They don't need, they don't know how to be alone.

1436
01:16:01.560 --> 01:16:04.080
I hate to say that, um, but it is true.

1437
01:16:04.080 --> 01:16:08.240
And the other guys are ones that are widowed, same reason they don't really, you know, they've

1438
01:16:08.240 --> 01:16:11.560
always been with a companion and they like being with a companion.

1439
01:16:11.560 --> 01:16:14.960
And it's great to marry one of these men, depending on the reason why they're divorced

1440
01:16:14.960 --> 01:16:17.040
or how much healing they've done.

1441
01:16:17.040 --> 01:16:21.840
But because, you know, there's no hormonal driver, you know, a lot of times men over

1442
01:16:21.840 --> 01:16:29.400
50, you know, or older, we were having, you know, less testosterone, less drive to find

1443
01:16:29.400 --> 01:16:30.400
a wife.

1444
01:16:30.400 --> 01:16:31.400
Okay.

1445
01:16:31.400 --> 01:16:34.080
So you see this guy, he's going to the gym, he's cooking dinner, you know, he has this

1446
01:16:34.080 --> 01:16:36.880
whole life that he's got going on.

1447
01:16:36.880 --> 01:16:42.540
And Karen is sitting and waiting for him to, to Matt, to, to get on this call with her.

1448
01:16:42.540 --> 01:16:45.560
And he's not very motivated to do it, you know?

1449
01:16:45.560 --> 01:16:48.580
And so she already told him she had a hard stop.

1450
01:16:48.580 --> 01:16:51.340
He was thinking that he had all this time to do this.

1451
01:16:51.340 --> 01:16:56.580
And then of course, he asked her what he did wrong and she didn't tell him.

1452
01:16:56.580 --> 01:16:57.740
And I think that's good.

1453
01:16:57.740 --> 01:16:58.740
All right.

1454
01:16:58.740 --> 01:17:02.740
So you, cause we're not, you guys, we're not, listen, we're not teaching people how to,

1455
01:17:02.740 --> 01:17:05.820
and this goes for Dan, this goes for you as well.

1456
01:17:05.820 --> 01:17:10.140
We're not, we're not trying to over-function and teach people how to be what it is that

1457
01:17:10.140 --> 01:17:11.140
we're looking for.

1458
01:17:11.140 --> 01:17:14.020
We need someone to show up motivated and ready.

1459
01:17:14.020 --> 01:17:16.660
All right, Vivian.

1460
01:17:16.660 --> 01:17:18.220
Yes.

1461
01:17:18.220 --> 01:17:23.420
I was actually really shocked to see that I, I felt very seen on the controlling part

1462
01:17:23.420 --> 01:17:26.380
because my ex was actually very controlling.

1463
01:17:26.380 --> 01:17:32.140
So for me to realize that that's what I do was shocking, but I just was wondering, I'm

1464
01:17:32.140 --> 01:17:33.140
open to change.

1465
01:17:33.140 --> 01:17:35.100
I don't really want to change in a good way.

1466
01:17:35.100 --> 01:17:39.260
What, like when you were describing someone who, Oh, I have to do this or nobody else

1467
01:17:39.260 --> 01:17:41.740
would, you know, I'm a single mom.

1468
01:17:41.740 --> 01:17:44.620
That personality is like a survival skill.

1469
01:17:44.620 --> 01:17:46.620
Like who really is going to do it?

1470
01:17:46.620 --> 01:17:51.900
So what am I supposed to not do anything or what is my mind supposed to be?

1471
01:17:51.900 --> 01:17:55.260
And I don't have anyone to rely on.

1472
01:17:55.260 --> 01:17:56.260
I know.

1473
01:17:56.260 --> 01:17:58.700
And the thing is, is that that's the first thing that we want to change.

1474
01:17:58.700 --> 01:18:02.420
Friends, we are not meant to do life alone, regardless of whether we're divorced or we're

1475
01:18:02.420 --> 01:18:03.540
single parents.

1476
01:18:03.540 --> 01:18:07.240
I was a single mom as well, and my pastor had just gone to prison.

1477
01:18:07.240 --> 01:18:10.820
So I lost my whole church at the same time as my divorce.

1478
01:18:10.820 --> 01:18:12.060
No one was talking to each other.

1479
01:18:12.060 --> 01:18:13.060
It was a small church.

1480
01:18:13.060 --> 01:18:15.220
It was a very sad situation.

1481
01:18:15.220 --> 01:18:20.020
And the bottom line is that one of the reasons why I believe that there are so many single

1482
01:18:20.020 --> 01:18:22.940
Christians is because we have lost the village.

1483
01:18:22.940 --> 01:18:26.940
And so bringing the village back, so Vivian, you finding a love story or you stepping into

1484
01:18:26.940 --> 01:18:31.740
a love story is not the only thing we want for you in this 90 days.

1485
01:18:31.740 --> 01:18:34.100
We also want community for you.

1486
01:18:34.100 --> 01:18:37.580
We want you to have 2am friends, people who can call in the middle of the night that,

1487
01:18:37.580 --> 01:18:40.940
you know, if your child was sick and you need to take them to the ER, people that could

1488
01:18:40.940 --> 01:18:44.820
be there for you, people that could help you, people that can watch your kid that you trust

1489
01:18:44.820 --> 01:18:48.000
on the drop of a hat if necessary, or kids.

1490
01:18:48.000 --> 01:18:49.620
You know, these are important things, friends.

1491
01:18:49.620 --> 01:18:53.060
We have to have trusted people in our lives.

1492
01:18:53.060 --> 01:18:57.700
And although we wouldn't develop that kind of trust in 90 days, beginning to have people

1493
01:18:57.700 --> 01:18:59.820
and beginning to say, Hey God, where are my people?

1494
01:18:59.820 --> 01:19:00.820
Where's my tribe?

1495
01:19:00.820 --> 01:19:01.820
Where's my village?

1496
01:19:01.820 --> 01:19:04.620
You know, where's the community that I'm meant to do life with?

1497
01:19:04.620 --> 01:19:08.900
Not just a church community, but just a whole community of people that understand me, that

1498
01:19:08.900 --> 01:19:12.700
celebrate me, that are excited to see me when I walk in the room.

1499
01:19:12.700 --> 01:19:15.340
There are so many people that don't have people like that in their lives where they

1500
01:19:15.340 --> 01:19:17.820
walk in the room like, Oh my gosh, I missed you.

1501
01:19:17.820 --> 01:19:20.580
And if you're not there, they're texting you like, Hey, where have you been?

1502
01:19:20.580 --> 01:19:21.780
I haven't seen you at work.

1503
01:19:21.780 --> 01:19:23.220
I haven't seen you here or there.

1504
01:19:23.220 --> 01:19:24.220
I miss you.

1505
01:19:24.220 --> 01:19:25.740
What's going on with you?

1506
01:19:25.740 --> 01:19:27.580
We have to find this again.

1507
01:19:27.580 --> 01:19:29.660
I feel like we're really lacking this.

1508
01:19:29.660 --> 01:19:35.140
And that's part of what God wants for each and every one of you, including you, Vivian,

1509
01:19:35.140 --> 01:19:37.900
to gain during this time together.

1510
01:19:37.940 --> 01:19:43.980
So the answer to your question is stay tuned because God has people for you and not just

1511
01:19:43.980 --> 01:19:45.260
a spirit mate.

1512
01:19:45.260 --> 01:19:48.260
And some of you are going to marry spirit mates that have a lot of people.

1513
01:19:48.260 --> 01:19:52.260
They already have people, you know, you've maybe been lacking in family or community,

1514
01:19:52.260 --> 01:19:54.540
but your spirit mate has a big community.

1515
01:19:54.540 --> 01:19:56.140
They have a trusted community.

1516
01:19:56.140 --> 01:19:57.140
They have a big family.

1517
01:19:57.140 --> 01:20:00.020
Some of you are going to marry into some big families.

1518
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:06.160
you've been feeling isolated and solitary. And yes, I do think that it's okay. Uh, well,

1519
01:20:06.160 --> 01:20:09.520
we'll talk about that non-negotiable. So I was about to say something that I think it's okay

1520
01:20:09.520 --> 01:20:14.480
for you to have as a non-negotiable, but I'll leave that for later because I want, I don't

1521
01:20:14.480 --> 01:20:17.840
want to, I don't want to get there. Okay. All right. I'm going to pray you guys out. Father

1522
01:20:17.840 --> 01:20:22.240
God, I just thank you for each and every one of your daughters and your son. We thank you,

1523
01:20:22.240 --> 01:20:26.560
Lord, for all that you're doing here. And you've called us here very firm, very specific work in

1524
01:20:26.560 --> 01:20:31.440
our hearts. And I pray that we are able to surrender that to you to just really open up,

1525
01:20:31.440 --> 01:20:35.840
even though we have been disappointed, even though we've gotten our hopes up and we haven't felt like

1526
01:20:35.840 --> 01:20:40.800
things have gone forward the way that we expected them to, that that would not keep us from opening

1527
01:20:40.800 --> 01:20:45.040
up our hearts again. And for letting you really do what you want to do in this season, this is a

1528
01:20:45.040 --> 01:20:50.080
supernatural season. As we enter into the heat break new year, as we enter into new times and

1529
01:20:50.080 --> 01:20:54.720
seasons, we know that you're a God of times and seasons. We know that you've set things aside for

1530
01:20:54.720 --> 01:21:00.720
now for all of us. And so Laura, we want to take hold of those things, each and every one of us.

1531
01:21:00.720 --> 01:21:05.360
And we want to be able to flourish and prosper the way that you've created us to flourish and

1532
01:21:05.360 --> 01:21:11.280
prosper. So we're asking anything that is in us that's keeping us or blocking us, reveal it and

1533
01:21:11.280 --> 01:21:17.040
heal it. And we're asking it in Jesus name. Amen. All right, friends, I'll see you soon.

1534
01:21:17.040 --> 01:21:22.160
All your stuff is in the app. Go do your worksheets, be honest, take some time with them.

1535
01:21:22.160 --> 01:21:27.600
They're not as long as the questionnaire, I promise you. Make sure you really dig in,

1536
01:21:27.600 --> 01:21:32.640
sit with Holy Spirit, write that stuff out, print it out, and then decide what you really

1537
01:21:32.640 --> 01:21:36.640
want to coach on on Thursday. And everyone needs to have their camera on, on Thursday,

1538
01:21:37.360 --> 01:21:43.040
because there's favor on your face. You got to be here. Okay. And you got to be clocked in.

1539
01:21:44.320 --> 01:21:51.360
And then also I don't want three people to be talking during this 90 days and the rest of

1540
01:21:51.360 --> 01:21:55.680
you to be silent. So I want the people that are talking now to keep talking. And I want all the

1541
01:21:55.680 --> 01:22:01.600
rest of you to decide to become vulnerable and decide to chime in. Okay. All right. See you soon.

1542
01:22:01.600 --> 01:22:02.000
Bye.