WEBVTT

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All right, folks, I'm so glad to be here again.

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This is Renee.

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Anybody new to phase three or whatever we're calling it

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these days, VIP, community, anybody new?

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We're gonna have a good time tonight.

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I really wanna be able to like,

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kind of dispense hope for you.

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I want you to find a way,

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I wanna help you find a way to enjoy this season

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and not feel like it's a J-O-B.

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So in order to do that,

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I'm actually gonna teach you something

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that Brad and I live by on my refrigerator.

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Okay, we're gonna talk about this tonight too.

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Okay, I wanna give you two visuals.

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This is my little, it's a little bottle called Hope

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and it's mustard seeds.

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Do you see how tiny, that's how tiny a mustard seed is.

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You guys, a mustard seed is the tiniest seed

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and it grows into the largest plant.

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Like if you've ever Googled

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what a mustard seed looks like full grown,

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that's what the Sea of Galilee looked like

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where they did the Beatitudes,

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just hordes and hordes of grown mustard seeds.

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So that's why when Jesus said,

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if you have just the faith of a mustard seed,

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you can move a mountain.

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And then when you see what a mustard seed

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looks like full grown, it's all interconnected.

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So your faith tonight, your hope

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in finding your spirit mate might be this big.

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That's all I need.

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Some people say how much hope,

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I filled it up, I used to give these out

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when I used to teach my book.

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You know, I have a book on hope

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and one of the chapters is when hope doesn't hurry.

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And when I published the book, I was still single, y'all.

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I was hoping to be married by then, but it didn't happen.

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So people would say to me, how much hope do you need?

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I would say this much.

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You just need this much hope, that's it.

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And so here's the cool thing about when mustard seeds grow,

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they kind of like get tangled in with each other

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cause they're a weed, right?

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And so each of us collectively come in

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with our teeny bits of hope,

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but it's gonna grow and connect for each other.

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Cause I always say, you know,

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Merrilee can have hope for Brittany.

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Brittany can have hope for Mary Holland, right?

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Holland can have hope for Wazeen.

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You know how it's like always easier

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for you to hope for someone else.

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You're like, sure, it's gonna happen for you, girl.

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You're next, it's gonna happen for you.

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Not me though.

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So that's the good news.

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The good news is you don't have to have enough hope

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for yourself.

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I'm gonna have enough hope for you

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and you're gonna have enough hope for the next person.

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So I want you to just kind of think of this visual in here.

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The other thing I want you to think of,

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so somebody gave this to me when I was in a play

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for a Good Friday Service.

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This is like a railroad tack,

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but it's about the size, they say,

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of the nail that went through Jesus's hand.

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It's pretty big.

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So to me, this kind of represents all the icky stuff

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that you might be feeling

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about your single and dating season.

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You might be feeling angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed.

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You know, you fill in the blank.

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So what I wanna be able to say to you when you're dating

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and in this season, and you guys,

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this is true when you're married too.

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I love my husband, he is amazing,

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but I'm still holding hope in one hand

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and all my other icky feelings in the other hand.

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The bad stuff doesn't just, you know,

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we don't just get married and poof,

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everything is just magical.

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It is not magical after you get married.

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So if you don't know how to learn how to live your life,

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holding hope in one hand

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and some of the pain in the other hand,

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you're gonna have a hard time doing it married

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because you're gonna think your spouse

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is gonna do all the work for you.

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You are both gonna bring two people to the equation

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who have hope and happiness in one hand

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and the hurt and pain in the other hand.

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Does that visual kind of make sense?

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So tonight, I'm not gonna try to convince you

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to stop feeling angry, sad, hurt.

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I'm just gonna say, just hold it in one hand.

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And what I want you to do

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is I want you to hold it in your non-dominant hand.

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So find two objects in your house.

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I don't care, mentally do this with yourself.

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I want you to find something that represents hope to you.

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Whenever you kind of get in a cranky feeling

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and you wanna like, eh, it's not gonna happen for me.

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I want you to find something to hold in your dominant hand

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because that's the stronger hand.

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That's what you're gonna hold onto your hope with.

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And then on your weaker hand,

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you're gonna hold the icky stuff.

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And I'm here to say it's okay to hold both

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because you guys, I'm incredibly so overjoyed,

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happy and blessed that I'm with Brian.

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And if some of you are Facebook friends with me,

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you also know that I was in a terrible car accident

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on Friday.

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My car is most likely totaled.

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And don't get me started

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because I'm gonna cry over my stupid little Mini Cooper.

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Y'all, I had to go say goodbye to the Mini Cooper today.

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I had to go empty out my car.

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And that MINI Cooper, I've been driving a MINI for 20 years.

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And so for me, I was born with an eye problem,

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and I don't have binocular vision.

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I see my eyes toggle.

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So I can see out of both eyes, but they don't work together.

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So depth perception, not my friend.

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So driving a little car that I can spatially memorize

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helps me then focus on the road and the cars,

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which is how I kept myself alive on Friday.

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Because I'm hyper aware of other cars around me,

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it's how I saw the kid.

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Yeah, don't gun it out of the gas station, people,

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and try to cross four lanes of traffic

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when you see people coming.

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That's what the new young driver tried to do.

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And thank you, Jesus, I had my eye, my bad eye on him,

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and I slammed and swerved,

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and my sweet little MINI saved my life.

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It was no, evidently, though, the MINI was no,

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it was not the winner against the SUV forerunner.

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The forerunner ran and drove away.

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But I'm trying to say that all to you,

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that you guys, bad stuff's still gonna happen

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when you're married.

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Brian has been great, but he's not been able

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to magically take it all away.

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And now that I'm married, I don't just get

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to go walk in the showroom

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and buy another $50,000 MINI Cooper.

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Like, I just can't do that,

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especially while I'm in seminary.

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And so I'm just trying to say that to you,

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because how well you manage your hope and your pain today

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is actually gonna model how you're gonna do it married.

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And so we want you to model it now healthy dating

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so that you can kind of go in that future.

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So that's like the first thing I wanna say to you,

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is that the other thing is your feelings,

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and I know Jackie does it slightly different,

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but I always, one of my favorite books

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is called Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd,

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and we're actually reading it for my class this semester.

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And he just talks about eight core emotions that we have,

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not all the feelings.

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Like, if you've ever whipped out a feelings chart

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at the therapist, and you see that feelings wheel,

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there's like, I don't know, 5,000 feelings on it,

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quite overwhelming for most people.

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Chip kind of talks about eight overarching emotions

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that we have, and every emotion has a need.

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When that need is met, there's a gift.

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When we ignore the emotion, we medicate it away.

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And if we do that too long, there's a cost.

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So I kind of just wanna give you an example

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of how you need to start to learn how to find that need,

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how to get that need met single,

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because there's a chance your spouse

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isn't gonna always be able to meet that need

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the way you need him to meet it, and or her to meet it,

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if that makes sense.

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So just an example.

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One feeling that I grew up with,

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if you are a child of trauma like me,

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and or life's been hard, or you had an abusive marriage,

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you may feel fear a lot, fear a lot.

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For me, when I'm not honest about what I'm afraid of,

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fear comes out anxious and controlling,

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anxious and controlling.

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So I know that I'm starting to feel fearful

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when I'm getting anxious and controlling.

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After that car accident,

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what do you think I've been overshadowed with

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for the last 72 hours?

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Anxiety.

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Anxiety, like you cannot,

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like my anxiety has been through the roof.

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Fear that I'm not gonna get enough money from the car.

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Fear that I'm not gonna be able to find a replacement

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that I can afford.

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Fear that I'm gonna have to drive a car

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that's gonna make me feel scared to drive.

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Fear that something else bad is gonna happen.

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Fear that something's gonna happen to Brian.

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Fear that, like I'm replaying the accident,

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and fear that I, like all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's.

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And like, and so anxiety has just been gripping me.

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And so, you know, the need for fear is help.

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You need help.

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And so like when I was in that car accident,

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this time I was able to call my husband

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and he was able to get in the car.

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But guess what, you guys?

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He was an hour away from me.

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And so that police officer had to fill in the gap.

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He stayed with me.

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He kept me calm.

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He drove me to my house.

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He made sure that I was safe until my husband can arrive.

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Sadly, five years ago, I was also in a car accident.

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Y'all, these are not my fault.

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I swear the enemy is just gonna,

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is just trying to take me out.

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And in that accident, I had friends to call

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and those friends came to get me.

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And so really the situation Friday

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was no different than it was five years ago.

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I knew I needed help.

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And I knew I needed to pick up the phone

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and start calling people until I could find people

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who could show up in a hot minute.

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And so I would say that to you right now.

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Now, if you deal with anxiety and control, it means you are afraid to ask for help or

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you think there is no one to help you.

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You need to go find that tribe now, even while you're not dating.

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Because you guys, there are some things that I need help with that I'm afraid of that Brian

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just doesn't understand as a man.

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And I've learned that sometimes I've had to go to my girlfriend still.

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Even married, I sometimes have to go to my girlfriends to help with that fear and that

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anxiety that is starting to come up because they might understand it better than him.

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And so I can't expect him to meet all of my needs.

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Another one that, another feeling that is very common in singlehood is depression.

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Have you ever felt sad and depressed in the single season?

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Okay.

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Now, believe it or not, depression, the impairment of depression is anger.

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And not like mad anger, pissed off anger, but like righteous anger.

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And usually righteous anger means you need to find your voice.

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You don't feel heard.

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So like you get mad at your married friends for all the stupid advice they give you about

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being single.

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And if you stop looking for it, it's going to come.

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And if you just be content, it's going to come, like all the crap, right?

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And so you feel righteously angry because you don't feel like you can find your voice.

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And so you have to start to find people to share your story safely with and let people

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know what it is that you are passionate about.

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You have to get that passionate story out.

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And so that's usually, one of the things we learned in one of our grief classes in seminary

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is, do you ever see that person who keeps like lamenting and sharing their story over

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and over again?

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Like, why is that chick, she's sucking the life force out of me?

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You know, Chaplain Eva will say, people will share their story until someone will bear

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witness to it.

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People will keep sharing their story until someone authentically bears witness to it.

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So if you are depressed, it means that somewhere you've not found your voice and you need to

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find your safe people to share your story.

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And sisters, if you guys meet each other, and brothers, if you meet each other offline,

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the most valuable gift you can give one another is to bear witness to somebody else's story.

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Bear witnessing to it just means witnessing it.

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It means just listening.

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It means not fixing it, not saving it, not spinning it, not forcing them to get out of

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it.

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It's just saying, wow, thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

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So I just wanted to bring up those two emotions because I feel like anxiety, control, depression,

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all kind of kick in right about this time.

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Resentment, resentment might kick in too.

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And resentment is usually under, it's usually the underlying issue with resentment is hurt.

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You feel hurt.

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Somebody hurt your feelings.

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Somebody caused harm to you and that might happen in your family situation, your work

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situation, in your dating situation.

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And guess what happens when you're hurt?

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What do you think you need when you're hurt?

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You need attention.

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You got a boo-boo, you need to put the Band-Aid on it.

286
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And so if you're hurt, it means you need some attention.

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And when you get attention to the wound, the wound can heal.

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So it's back to, you have to find places to get that healing met.

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And so it's not always easy in our chat boxes to do it.

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It's not always easy on our newsfeed to do it.

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And this is why we really encourage you guys to develop relationships with one another

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and or in your community now and not wait for your soulmate, your spirit mate, your

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person to show up.

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Because again, your spouse is not always going to be able to attend to all of your needs.

295
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Another feeling, and I'm going to stop after this one.

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00:14:01.700 --> 00:14:04.960
Another feeling that you might be feeling right now is self-pity.

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You're like, oh my gosh, it happens for everybody else.

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00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:09.920
It's just never going to happen for me.

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I'm always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

300
00:14:12.900 --> 00:14:18.400
And you guys, self-pity, the underlying issue of self-pity is just sadness.

301
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It's just sadness.

302
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And what does sadness need?

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Sadness needs comfort.

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Sadness needs a hug.

305
00:14:25.920 --> 00:14:28.000
Sadness might need retail therapy.

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It might need a massage.

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It might need anything, a lunch with a girlfriend.

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So pay attention to depression.

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Who can you share your voice and your story with?

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Pay attention to anxiety.

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If you're afraid of something, name what you're afraid of and start to have local people help

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00:14:47.640 --> 00:14:50.240
you and give you the help that you need.

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If you're feeling resentment, it means that you might need to bring attention to a wound.

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And again, you might need a therapist.

315
00:14:56.640 --> 00:14:57.640
You might need...

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And you guys, if you can't afford a therapist, there's...

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00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.740
Always a 12-step meeting whether it's celebrate recovery codependence. No more a

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Essay you name it. There is an a out there that is handling the sadness love addiction

319
00:15:13.160 --> 00:15:20.400
Sex addiction there is always something that's handling that and there's always kind of support groups adding grief shares at a church

320
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And then remember set a self-pity just needs comfort

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And so I kind of wanted to say that at front because as you're dating

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As will happen when you're married

323
00:15:31.800 --> 00:15:38.900
You're gonna have emotions come up and it all is signaling to your body that there's a need that needs to be met

324
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I just want you to know that

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Sometimes your spouse will meet that need and sometimes your spouse won't be able to meet that need or sometimes

326
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They're literally not available in the moment to address to your need and so that's another reason why?

327
00:15:53.720 --> 00:15:58.320
You know and here's a good example you guys like my husband's a nurse and he is a great nurse

328
00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:04.640
And you know, what's so great about nurses is they don't overreact they stay calm cool and collected now

329
00:16:04.640 --> 00:16:11.160
Can you imagine for an Italian sometimes do you know the message it tells me sometimes? Oh my gosh, he doesn't care

330
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:16.080
Like dude

331
00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:17.960
Because

332
00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:21.940
His very profession teaches him to be calm cool and collected

333
00:16:22.100 --> 00:16:28.180
Right and so he always says Renee just because I'm not acting chaotic doesn't mean I don't care

334
00:16:28.620 --> 00:16:33.300
And you know how it's the same thing that Jackie always says we we confuse chemistry

335
00:16:33.940 --> 00:16:38.200
With chaos, like we're looking for chemistry, but it's really our chaos

336
00:16:39.460 --> 00:16:43.100
Brian cares for me through his calmness and I'm looking through

337
00:16:45.180 --> 00:16:46.180
Like I mean

338
00:16:46.180 --> 00:16:51.740
I wanted him to act as crazy as I was y'all cuz I did get out out of that car and I almost about killed

339
00:16:51.740 --> 00:16:52.980
a kid that hit me I mean

340
00:16:52.980 --> 00:16:57.020
I've got all the talent on him for about hot minute and then I could tell he was a traumatized

341
00:16:57.140 --> 00:17:02.060
16 year old who just got his license and then I thought okay. All right seminary girl, you know

342
00:17:02.060 --> 00:17:04.060
You got to throw some chaplain on this moment

343
00:17:04.740 --> 00:17:07.700
And so I'm like learning in real time

344
00:17:08.140 --> 00:17:11.780
That Brian shows care very differently than I show care

345
00:17:11.780 --> 00:17:19.140
and so I wanted to set that set this up because if we don't attend to your needs well as

346
00:17:19.859 --> 00:17:21.859
You date at each stage

347
00:17:22.780 --> 00:17:28.140
You're not gonna know what to do with these unmet needs and you're gonna put too much pressure on

348
00:17:28.339 --> 00:17:34.860
some poor sweet girl or guy in those first few dates and you're gonna expect them to meet needs that they are just

349
00:17:34.980 --> 00:17:40.140
They're just not equipped in those early stages to me. They're not there to stroke your ego

350
00:17:40.260 --> 00:17:43.340
They're not there to make you feel valued loved and affirmed

351
00:17:43.340 --> 00:17:47.360
That's not their job in the in the first matching the first

352
00:17:47.580 --> 00:17:52.100
Texting the first video date. Their only job is to show you who they are

353
00:17:53.060 --> 00:17:58.580
That's it. That's their only job is to show you who they are. So you learn super quick

354
00:17:58.620 --> 00:18:02.940
Are they somebody you want to keep hanging out with and keep getting to know or that?

355
00:18:02.940 --> 00:18:08.420
Are they somebody that has has proven to you that they need to move it on?

356
00:18:08.780 --> 00:18:12.500
So I kind of wanted to get that up with you all

357
00:18:13.620 --> 00:18:18.020
I'm actually gonna pause right now even before I talk start talking about

358
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Specific dating sinks. This is not a hard work class, but I really do feel like it kind of kind of gets in the way

359
00:18:25.180 --> 00:18:30.580
So does anybody want to respond to and or ask a question connected to all that?

360
00:18:30.580 --> 00:18:37.900
I've just dumped on you about me emotions and feelings and about how do we hold them all while we're doing this dating thing?

361
00:18:38.180 --> 00:18:40.180
Helen go ahead. I

362
00:18:40.700 --> 00:18:42.700
just wanted to

363
00:18:42.860 --> 00:18:47.380
You're saying I've actually come across a couple of podcasts that said

364
00:18:48.020 --> 00:18:54.540
We've moved away from the community meeting our needs like years ago. I don't know 50 100 or whatever it was

365
00:18:56.940 --> 00:18:59.940
That's where the it takes a village to raise a child comes from

366
00:19:13.700 --> 00:19:19.860
You're not designed to meet every need it's just impossible and so that's that's helped me look at a

367
00:19:20.540 --> 00:19:23.880
Potential spouse like he's not gonna be my everything. God has to be

368
00:19:24.420 --> 00:19:30.740
My everything and then the community and that network of friendships plus him would meet those needs

369
00:19:32.940 --> 00:19:37.580
All right, you guys that was the noise is okay see thank you for saying that Helen

370
00:19:37.580 --> 00:19:39.580
You know how we talked about your spouse

371
00:19:40.580 --> 00:19:46.820
Okay, so Brian it's like allergies and we have like three supersonic

372
00:19:46.820 --> 00:19:50.340
I don't know what you call them air filter machines going off

373
00:19:50.340 --> 00:19:55.660
And so hi, I've gotten so used to the the air. So hopefully that sounds better

374
00:19:55.660 --> 00:20:00.060
I just turned that off. Sorry about that y'all but you're right Helen. I mean, that's what

375
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:06.820
I'm saying, you guys, the more you can depend on your village now, the less pressure you're

376
00:20:06.820 --> 00:20:08.780
going to put somebody on.

377
00:20:08.780 --> 00:20:11.860
Because here was the other misconception, and I'll take the rest of the questions.

378
00:20:11.860 --> 00:20:15.380
Here was the other misconception I always used to say, because I've been single forever.

379
00:20:15.380 --> 00:20:20.420
Well, I'm just so tired of being the main cheerleader of every area of my life.

380
00:20:20.420 --> 00:20:25.500
It would sure be nice if somebody could pick up one task that's on my plate so I don't

381
00:20:25.500 --> 00:20:27.500
have to carry the load myself.

382
00:20:27.500 --> 00:20:32.900
So I thought when I got married, ha, I can give Brian some of my stuff.

383
00:20:32.900 --> 00:20:37.140
But here's what happens when two people come together.

384
00:20:37.140 --> 00:20:41.300
He has a whole bunch of needs too, and I got a whole bunch of needs.

385
00:20:41.300 --> 00:20:44.660
And so say I've got 50 needs and he's got 50.

386
00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:47.620
It's not like I just get to give him 10 of my needs.

387
00:20:47.620 --> 00:20:49.580
Now if he's taking 10 of mine, guess what?

388
00:20:49.580 --> 00:20:52.500
He's probably handing over 10 of his to me.

389
00:20:52.500 --> 00:20:58.180
And so all of a sudden, there is this shared thing, but you're sharing from a bigger pot

390
00:20:58.180 --> 00:20:59.220
of needs.

391
00:20:59.220 --> 00:21:03.700
So it's not like you're like, oh gosh, I'm just so relieved.

392
00:21:03.700 --> 00:21:08.340
It means like there are some things now in the marriage that I have picked up to do,

393
00:21:08.340 --> 00:21:10.680
and there's some things he has picked up to do.

394
00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:11.680
Does it feel better?

395
00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:12.680
Of course it does.

396
00:21:12.680 --> 00:21:14.860
I'm not saying, I'm not trying to say that it's not great.

397
00:21:14.860 --> 00:21:19.300
I'm just trying to say like, it's not all some like I unloaded half of my workload on

398
00:21:19.300 --> 00:21:20.300
him.

399
00:21:20.300 --> 00:21:21.300
Alexandra.

400
00:21:21.300 --> 00:21:22.300
Yeah.

401
00:21:22.300 --> 00:21:23.300
Hello.

402
00:21:23.300 --> 00:21:29.020
Um, I don't know how much of this you want to get into or that it relates, but for me,

403
00:21:29.020 --> 00:21:34.460
I struggle with like when I share something, cause I relate to like the anxiety and needing

404
00:21:34.460 --> 00:21:36.420
to like ask for help.

405
00:21:36.420 --> 00:21:42.940
But, um, I worry that when I share that people are going to focus on like, and I'm so hyper

406
00:21:42.940 --> 00:21:45.300
aware of like what I'm not doing right.

407
00:21:45.300 --> 00:21:50.580
It's like, I'm not supposed to be fearing or, um, whatever else I could be doing wrong

408
00:21:50.580 --> 00:21:52.500
that might be causing the situation.

409
00:21:52.500 --> 00:21:58.380
I think I fear that they're just gonna, especially in like Christian communities and like maybe

410
00:21:58.380 --> 00:22:03.260
I myself, I can pick up on that with other people too when they share things with me.

411
00:22:03.260 --> 00:22:08.260
So like, how do we not focus on that?

412
00:22:08.260 --> 00:22:11.540
You have to know who your safe people are.

413
00:22:11.540 --> 00:22:15.260
So one of the teachings I used to do a couple of years ago, and I don't even think it's

414
00:22:15.260 --> 00:22:18.660
in our replays anymore cause it's, it's so long ago.

415
00:22:19.060 --> 00:22:23.620
Um, I call, I used to teach what's called, and I still do, um, it's called circles, circles

416
00:22:23.620 --> 00:22:24.620
of responsibility.

417
00:22:24.620 --> 00:22:28.380
And it talks about how God's supposed to be in your center circle.

418
00:22:28.380 --> 00:22:30.780
Like he's your most important relationship.

419
00:22:30.780 --> 00:22:34.420
The second most important relationship is your spouse, then your children that are living

420
00:22:34.420 --> 00:22:36.620
at home and then your intimate people.

421
00:22:36.620 --> 00:22:38.320
These are your ride or die people.

422
00:22:38.320 --> 00:22:42.420
These are the people where you can be like, Hey, uh, something bad just happened.

423
00:22:42.420 --> 00:22:43.940
And they're like, Hey, I've got a shovel.

424
00:22:43.940 --> 00:22:44.940
Where are we going?

425
00:22:44.940 --> 00:22:45.940
Kind of thing, right?

426
00:22:45.940 --> 00:22:49.420
You can tell them anything and then your ministry and then your friends.

427
00:22:49.420 --> 00:22:55.460
And so when you're talking about sharing fears with people, there are, you have to start

428
00:22:55.460 --> 00:22:56.460
to notice.

429
00:22:56.460 --> 00:22:59.740
So what happens is as you're developing you guys, and this is good for dating.

430
00:22:59.740 --> 00:23:04.820
So this is actually a great question, Alexandra, because this applies to how much content you

431
00:23:04.820 --> 00:23:07.860
give men and women that you're early in dating with.

432
00:23:07.860 --> 00:23:10.900
So picture all the people that are important to you.

433
00:23:10.900 --> 00:23:14.700
They're taking up circle one, two, three, four, five, six, right?

434
00:23:14.700 --> 00:23:18.140
That's where the men and women go that you first start dating.

435
00:23:18.140 --> 00:23:20.620
They're at like circle 10, right?

436
00:23:20.620 --> 00:23:23.460
They get level 10 of information.

437
00:23:23.460 --> 00:23:25.660
They don't get the deepest, darkest secrets.

438
00:23:25.660 --> 00:23:30.860
You know, when people move up in this circle, when they show you that they're safe in that

439
00:23:30.860 --> 00:23:35.500
current circle and you give a little bit more, you show a little bit more intimacy, share

440
00:23:35.500 --> 00:23:38.300
a little bit more feelings and they work their way up.

441
00:23:38.300 --> 00:23:44.060
A lot of us, when we start dating, we like think somebody hits all our things like, Oh

442
00:23:44.420 --> 00:23:46.700
my gosh, she's got all the things, she's got all the things.

443
00:23:46.700 --> 00:23:50.980
And then within 48 hours, we're talking about our daddy issues.

444
00:23:50.980 --> 00:23:53.380
We're talking about how our spouse cheated on us.

445
00:23:53.380 --> 00:24:00.860
Like we're sharing stuff that with a stranger, like we've just moved them from circle 10

446
00:24:00.860 --> 00:24:03.900
to circle two in a week.

447
00:24:03.900 --> 00:24:06.060
And so we don't want to do that.

448
00:24:06.060 --> 00:24:09.740
We want somebody to earn their way up the rings of the circle.

449
00:24:09.740 --> 00:24:13.740
So back to Alexandra's question, you have to start to look at your circles now.

450
00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:18.700
Look at the people in your life now going, okay, is this somebody?

451
00:24:18.700 --> 00:24:25.540
How have they shown compassion and understanding when I've shared in the past about a fear

452
00:24:25.540 --> 00:24:29.460
or when I've watched somebody else share in front of them?

453
00:24:29.460 --> 00:24:32.700
So you really want to observe your friends now.

454
00:24:32.700 --> 00:24:39.160
And you guys, I had friends that I could talk about my singleness to, that I really loved.

455
00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:44.980
And I had friends that I could not talk about my singleness to, that I also very much loved.

456
00:24:44.980 --> 00:24:51.660
And so I started to learn which friends were safe and which family members were safe to

457
00:24:51.660 --> 00:24:54.740
talk about my fears and my voice.

458
00:24:54.740 --> 00:25:00.100
I had to watch them, not just how they interacted with me, but how did it, how did they interact?

459
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.660
with other people, and then did they gossip

460
00:25:02.660 --> 00:25:03.540
and tell me stories?

461
00:25:03.540 --> 00:25:05.560
Like you guys, first rule of thumb,

462
00:25:05.560 --> 00:25:07.760
if someone starts to tell you information

463
00:25:07.760 --> 00:25:10.040
that's private about another person,

464
00:25:10.040 --> 00:25:12.880
yeah, that's not your safe person, right?

465
00:25:12.880 --> 00:25:15.840
When they're like, oh, even if they say to me,

466
00:25:15.840 --> 00:25:18.400
I can tell you, Renee, because you're one of the teachers.

467
00:25:18.400 --> 00:25:20.320
I could tell you, Renee, because you're a chaplain.

468
00:25:20.320 --> 00:25:22.400
No, girl, no, you can't.

469
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:24.280
If it's somebody else's private story

470
00:25:24.280 --> 00:25:25.960
and they've not given you permission,

471
00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:28.440
no, you shouldn't tell it to me.

472
00:25:28.440 --> 00:25:32.360
And so that's how you start to decide,

473
00:25:32.360 --> 00:25:35.900
is you start to pay attention to who's safe.

474
00:25:35.900 --> 00:25:38.080
Now, you might get burned.

475
00:25:38.080 --> 00:25:42.100
You might trust the wrong person and you go,

476
00:25:42.100 --> 00:25:47.100
okay, note to self, do not share with Jane

477
00:25:47.740 --> 00:25:49.720
about this situation again.

478
00:25:49.720 --> 00:25:52.060
Jane does not understand what it's like

479
00:25:52.060 --> 00:25:54.720
to not have a healthy relationship with the father.

480
00:25:54.720 --> 00:25:55.600
So you know what I'm saying?

481
00:25:55.600 --> 00:25:58.360
So it's really trial and error,

482
00:25:59.160 --> 00:26:00.000
but I would say in general,

483
00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:03.320
as you look at your friendships, think about circles now.

484
00:26:03.320 --> 00:26:06.080
I want you to think about how close do I want to break?

485
00:26:06.080 --> 00:26:08.480
Because a lot of times when we talk about boundaries

486
00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:11.800
and we talk about boundaries are fences with doors

487
00:26:11.800 --> 00:26:13.800
and windows and not just walls,

488
00:26:13.800 --> 00:26:16.360
the problem with just the word boundaries

489
00:26:16.360 --> 00:26:20.080
is we think people are in or out, in or out.

490
00:26:20.080 --> 00:26:21.880
I'm trying to tell you which room,

491
00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:24.240
which place in their yard you get to go.

492
00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:25.680
Some people you're gonna let play

493
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:28.040
on your front lawn with your kids, right?

494
00:26:28.720 --> 00:26:31.000
Some people you might invite inside to a living room

495
00:26:31.000 --> 00:26:33.600
because you've invited them to the party.

496
00:26:33.600 --> 00:26:35.040
Some people are close enough,

497
00:26:35.040 --> 00:26:36.320
they're gonna see your kitchen,

498
00:26:36.320 --> 00:26:37.960
which might look a little odd.

499
00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:39.400
And then there's less friends

500
00:26:39.400 --> 00:26:41.920
that you're gonna show your laundry room to, right?

501
00:26:41.920 --> 00:26:44.040
Cause the laundry room's a little messier.

502
00:26:44.040 --> 00:26:45.600
And then there's even less friends

503
00:26:45.600 --> 00:26:47.200
that you're gonna show your bedroom to

504
00:26:47.200 --> 00:26:50.440
and even less friends that you're gonna show your closet to.

505
00:26:50.440 --> 00:26:53.000
That's the same way we're supposed to be talking

506
00:26:53.000 --> 00:26:56.920
about our emotions and feelings and stories as we date,

507
00:26:56.920 --> 00:26:58.920
as we deal with our friendships.

508
00:26:58.920 --> 00:27:03.560
We need to be cautious of how much we share with them.

509
00:27:03.560 --> 00:27:06.320
So hopefully, I think that was a great question

510
00:27:06.320 --> 00:27:09.520
cause I definitely think it would get a lot of us in trouble

511
00:27:09.520 --> 00:27:10.560
when we're dating.

512
00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:15.680
Juanita, sorry, my contacts are a little messy tonight.

513
00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:19.600
Oh, Renee, I just wanna know what the name of the book is.

514
00:27:19.600 --> 00:27:21.200
Oh, that I was talking about?

515
00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:25.520
It's Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd, D-O-D-D.

516
00:27:27.520 --> 00:27:29.320
It's a really good book.

517
00:27:29.320 --> 00:27:30.880
Now, I will say this,

518
00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:32.360
I have this cute little feelings chart

519
00:27:32.360 --> 00:27:34.840
and I use it in a lot of my counseling sessions.

520
00:27:34.840 --> 00:27:37.360
And I'm working with an older couple now.

521
00:27:37.360 --> 00:27:38.960
They're from the generation, you guys,

522
00:27:38.960 --> 00:27:40.960
where Zippo feelings, right?

523
00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:43.160
So I literally showed them this feelings thing

524
00:27:43.160 --> 00:27:44.000
and they were like,

525
00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:46.680
I don't even know what you're talking about.

526
00:27:46.680 --> 00:27:48.040
I was like, wait, what?

527
00:27:48.040 --> 00:27:50.200
And they're like, oh, I don't know.

528
00:27:50.200 --> 00:27:52.560
So we are literally reading the book together

529
00:27:52.560 --> 00:27:53.760
one chapter a week.

530
00:27:54.680 --> 00:27:57.120
They're like reading sentences to me

531
00:27:57.120 --> 00:27:59.680
and they're like, I don't understand that.

532
00:27:59.680 --> 00:28:01.160
I'm like, wow.

533
00:28:01.160 --> 00:28:03.280
But y'all, they're from the silent generation.

534
00:28:03.280 --> 00:28:05.600
They're from the generation that like literally

535
00:28:05.600 --> 00:28:07.920
they were not allowed to talk about any feelings.

536
00:28:07.920 --> 00:28:10.440
You just always did the right thing no matter.

537
00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:12.880
And so when you suppress your feelings long enough

538
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:15.120
and you guys, Jesus had all these feelings.

539
00:28:15.120 --> 00:28:16.960
Like he had all those emotions

540
00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:19.600
and every emotion is a good thing.

541
00:28:19.600 --> 00:28:23.840
Every emotion is good because every emotion has a gift.

542
00:28:23.840 --> 00:28:24.680
That's the thing.

543
00:28:24.680 --> 00:28:27.440
Like we think, oh, it's not good to be sad.

544
00:28:27.440 --> 00:28:29.320
It's not good to be hurt.

545
00:28:29.320 --> 00:28:30.920
Well, if we don't get sad,

546
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:33.000
we don't get comfort and acceptance.

547
00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:35.720
If we don't get hurt, then we don't get healing.

548
00:28:35.720 --> 00:28:37.680
And you guys, if we don't face our fear,

549
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:39.240
we don't get faith.

550
00:28:39.240 --> 00:28:41.480
So when people like preach to us like,

551
00:28:41.480 --> 00:28:43.640
oh, fear and faith can't be in the same place.

552
00:28:43.640 --> 00:28:45.300
And if you have fear, that means you don't have faith.

553
00:28:45.300 --> 00:28:46.440
That's crap.

554
00:28:46.440 --> 00:28:48.160
Okay, it's just bad theology.

555
00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:50.760
It just means you have to face your fear.

556
00:28:50.760 --> 00:28:54.200
If fear has got a need, that is how you build your faith.

557
00:28:54.200 --> 00:28:56.480
You don't build it minus the fear.

558
00:28:56.480 --> 00:28:58.400
You gotta face the fear.

559
00:28:58.400 --> 00:28:59.240
Brandon.

560
00:29:02.840 --> 00:29:05.880
Renee, I actually literally in just last couple of minutes

561
00:29:05.880 --> 00:29:07.840
realized my question is probably outside the scope

562
00:29:07.840 --> 00:29:09.000
of your talk today.

563
00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:10.640
I was actually going to mention,

564
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:13.760
what if you're coming into an early relationship

565
00:29:13.760 --> 00:29:16.880
and sharing so little that the other person starts feeling,

566
00:29:17.280 --> 00:29:21.360
unneeded and sensing that you're not

567
00:29:21.360 --> 00:29:22.480
willing to share much at all.

568
00:29:22.480 --> 00:29:24.600
But if that's not what you're gonna get to today,

569
00:29:24.600 --> 00:29:25.440
I'm completely-

570
00:29:25.440 --> 00:29:28.200
Well, I think that is exactly in line

571
00:29:28.200 --> 00:29:30.320
with what I was just saying.

572
00:29:30.320 --> 00:29:32.560
And so I think what you can say to somebody

573
00:29:32.560 --> 00:29:33.720
in that early stage,

574
00:29:33.720 --> 00:29:35.760
cause that's actually a really good point, Brandon.

575
00:29:35.760 --> 00:29:37.200
When you're in that early stage,

576
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:39.160
Bethany and I and the rest of the coaches

577
00:29:39.160 --> 00:29:40.600
are trying to tell you guys,

578
00:29:40.600 --> 00:29:43.480
keep the content like present day.

579
00:29:43.480 --> 00:29:45.520
Keep the content present day.

580
00:29:45.520 --> 00:29:47.120
Talk about things that are going on,

581
00:29:47.120 --> 00:29:49.360
things that are going on in your near future.

582
00:29:49.360 --> 00:29:51.600
I always say, cause Jackie and Bethany always say,

583
00:29:51.600 --> 00:29:52.680
keep it light.

584
00:29:52.680 --> 00:29:55.440
And here's how I usually answer, keep it light.

585
00:29:55.440 --> 00:29:56.280
Keep it light.

586
00:29:56.280 --> 00:29:58.480
The more you stay in the present,

587
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:00.280
the more you talk about the future.

588
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.880
the lighter it stays.

589
00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:04.840
The more we talk about the past,

590
00:30:04.840 --> 00:30:06.600
the deeper it usually goes,

591
00:30:06.600 --> 00:30:08.160
because we can't help ourselves.

592
00:30:08.160 --> 00:30:11.180
Here's where you can talk about the past in fun ways,

593
00:30:11.180 --> 00:30:12.760
Brandon, you can say like,

594
00:30:12.760 --> 00:30:15.380
what was your favorite subject in school?

595
00:30:15.380 --> 00:30:17.120
What was your hardest subject?

596
00:30:17.120 --> 00:30:19.040
How did you learn how to, you know,

597
00:30:19.040 --> 00:30:21.500
pass that class even though it was hard?

598
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.320
What is one of your favorite holiday memories as a kid?

599
00:30:26.320 --> 00:30:30.700
And so you can find ways to learn about a person

600
00:30:30.700 --> 00:30:32.920
without learning about the scars.

601
00:30:32.920 --> 00:30:35.980
And Brandon, what you wanna also say to this person is,

602
00:30:35.980 --> 00:30:38.460
I'm trying to date intentionally right now.

603
00:30:38.460 --> 00:30:39.780
I wanna make sure we build

604
00:30:39.780 --> 00:30:41.940
a really good friendship right now,

605
00:30:41.940 --> 00:30:45.620
and that we don't learn about too much trauma right away.

606
00:30:45.620 --> 00:30:47.620
There are so much I'm gonna,

607
00:30:47.620 --> 00:30:52.060
I can't wait to learn about you and know more about you,

608
00:30:52.060 --> 00:30:54.860
but I want us to both have healthy pacing.

609
00:30:54.860 --> 00:30:57.160
And, you know, I'm just really learning.

610
00:30:57.160 --> 00:31:00.060
It's important to build that good foundation

611
00:31:00.060 --> 00:31:01.040
of some good stuff.

612
00:31:01.040 --> 00:31:05.240
So I feel like Brian and I shared hours and hours

613
00:31:05.240 --> 00:31:08.720
and hours of information about each other

614
00:31:08.720 --> 00:31:13.420
in that first month that was not too deep and heavy

615
00:31:13.420 --> 00:31:16.160
about like our exes and about our parents.

616
00:31:16.160 --> 00:31:19.100
So I think you can have really good content

617
00:31:19.100 --> 00:31:20.140
with each other.

618
00:31:21.420 --> 00:31:23.720
You know, if you had to go back

619
00:31:23.740 --> 00:31:25.340
and tell your high school self something,

620
00:31:25.340 --> 00:31:27.660
what would you tell that high school self person?

621
00:31:27.660 --> 00:31:29.700
You know, you guys have seen me do it on the,

622
00:31:29.700 --> 00:31:31.700
he said, she said, you know, questions where,

623
00:31:31.700 --> 00:31:34.780
I think we can ask really deep, fun questions

624
00:31:34.780 --> 00:31:38.060
without it being intimate.

625
00:31:38.060 --> 00:31:41.580
So, and I think as long as you're letting that person know,

626
00:31:41.580 --> 00:31:46.580
Brandon, that you care about them

627
00:31:46.660 --> 00:31:50.300
and that you're trying to let it unfold healthy,

628
00:31:50.300 --> 00:31:51.740
and you wanna say things like,

629
00:31:51.740 --> 00:31:53.260
I just need you to trust me.

630
00:31:53.760 --> 00:31:54.680
I would love for you to just trust me.

631
00:31:54.680 --> 00:31:57.840
I cannot wait to get to know you more and more.

632
00:31:57.840 --> 00:32:01.160
I'm just learning that healthy pacing is super important.

633
00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:03.680
And right now my highest priority

634
00:32:03.680 --> 00:32:05.960
is to find out who you are today.

635
00:32:05.960 --> 00:32:08.720
I'll learn what kind of made who you were,

636
00:32:08.720 --> 00:32:12.280
but right now you're dating me and I'm dating you.

637
00:32:12.280 --> 00:32:15.080
We're not dating our past versions of each other.

638
00:32:15.080 --> 00:32:18.320
So right now it's just important that we find out

639
00:32:18.320 --> 00:32:21.760
if we like hanging out with each other today,

640
00:32:21.760 --> 00:32:23.940
because that's the person you're gonna end up with

641
00:32:23.940 --> 00:32:26.820
is today's person, not 20 years ago person.

642
00:32:26.820 --> 00:32:28.620
So, and I will say, Brandon,

643
00:32:28.620 --> 00:32:31.500
if that answer is not good enough,

644
00:32:31.500 --> 00:32:33.380
that would concern me that that person

645
00:32:33.380 --> 00:32:35.140
is trying to attach too quickly.

646
00:32:37.060 --> 00:32:41.380
And, but you get to be the healthy one to set the pace.

647
00:32:41.380 --> 00:32:45.340
So I say, find a way to be encouraging and kind

648
00:32:45.340 --> 00:32:48.260
and show your interest and state that your interest,

649
00:32:48.260 --> 00:32:49.620
but you're letting that person know

650
00:32:49.640 --> 00:32:51.960
that you're trying to do healthy pacing.

651
00:32:51.960 --> 00:32:54.440
So you guys, I think this is actually exactly

652
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:56.360
what we're trying to talk about here

653
00:32:56.360 --> 00:32:58.520
in this early stage of dating.

654
00:32:59.360 --> 00:33:03.120
And again, if I'm getting my needs met elsewhere,

655
00:33:03.120 --> 00:33:06.960
I'm not gonna go into every text, every video date,

656
00:33:06.960 --> 00:33:08.960
every first day and go like, oh my gosh,

657
00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:10.400
is this my person?

658
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:11.240
Is she my person?

659
00:33:11.240 --> 00:33:13.280
And they can be able to meet all my needs.

660
00:33:13.280 --> 00:33:17.100
I'm just going to go like, wow, I need to get to know Lynn.

661
00:33:17.100 --> 00:33:19.000
Is Lynn somebody I wanna hang out with again?

662
00:33:19.380 --> 00:33:20.940
Is she somebody I wanna have coffee with?

663
00:33:20.940 --> 00:33:23.420
You know, I wanna get to know Mickey.

664
00:33:23.420 --> 00:33:26.360
Like what does Mickey, like what makes Mickey tick?

665
00:33:26.360 --> 00:33:29.820
What makes, you know, what is gonna make her happy or sad

666
00:33:29.820 --> 00:33:31.860
in the next, you know, seven days?

667
00:33:33.500 --> 00:33:35.120
And so those are the important things

668
00:33:35.120 --> 00:33:36.900
we wanna learn about each other.

669
00:33:36.900 --> 00:33:40.940
This is all really a learning experience.

670
00:33:40.940 --> 00:33:44.900
And I've already said this to you a million times

671
00:33:44.900 --> 00:33:45.740
and I'm gonna say it again

672
00:33:45.740 --> 00:33:47.060
and then I'm gonna keep taking the questions

673
00:33:47.080 --> 00:33:49.080
because I kinda like doing it this way.

674
00:33:49.080 --> 00:33:50.960
I want you to be able to ask me stuff right

675
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:52.040
as you're listening to me

676
00:33:52.040 --> 00:33:53.880
because it's gonna trigger the stuff.

677
00:33:54.800 --> 00:33:57.320
I've said this before and I'll keep saying it again.

678
00:33:57.320 --> 00:34:02.180
In those early, the matching, in the early texting,

679
00:34:02.180 --> 00:34:05.680
in the early video dates and really the first three dates,

680
00:34:05.680 --> 00:34:08.199
you guys really have to put on the I don't care.

681
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:09.780
Remember that little, that sweet lady,

682
00:34:09.780 --> 00:34:11.360
the I don't, we don't care club?

683
00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:13.219
You know, the we don't care club woman?

684
00:34:13.219 --> 00:34:15.239
Like we gotta take on her mantra.

685
00:34:15.239 --> 00:34:16.400
We don't care.

686
00:34:16.739 --> 00:34:20.480
You have to not care about all of the people

687
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:22.380
that are wrong that you meet.

688
00:34:22.380 --> 00:34:25.860
All of the scammers, all of the fakers,

689
00:34:25.860 --> 00:34:30.179
all of the people that just wanna have sex, whatever.

690
00:34:30.179 --> 00:34:32.739
The people that don't look like their photos.

691
00:34:32.739 --> 00:34:34.540
We want them, like y'all,

692
00:34:34.540 --> 00:34:36.900
I just started laughing by the end.

693
00:34:36.900 --> 00:34:40.860
Like I literally was like, okay, how many crazy people

694
00:34:40.860 --> 00:34:42.219
can I uncover this week?

695
00:34:42.219 --> 00:34:44.739
Like I kinda just started making it a game.

696
00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:47.360
Like, oh my gosh, I can totally tell this person

697
00:34:47.360 --> 00:34:49.420
is not who they say they are.

698
00:34:49.420 --> 00:34:51.639
How can I snag them?

699
00:34:51.639 --> 00:34:56.639
Like, like, how can I snag them?

700
00:34:56.639 --> 00:34:58.480
Or you know what?

701
00:34:58.480 --> 00:35:00.080
Oh my gosh, bless these little.

702
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:06.580
her little loving heart. He's a hot mess. Okay, how can I show kindness today? How can

703
00:35:06.580 --> 00:35:13.940
I show kindness today? And you know what you guys, like so many people need kindness. Like,

704
00:35:13.940 --> 00:35:17.580
you know, so like you might go on these dates or these coffee things and you might think

705
00:35:17.580 --> 00:35:21.900
you're just wasting your time. Like y'all, like here's the, here's how sweet my husband

706
00:35:21.900 --> 00:35:26.900
is. Like, so I started convincing myself, like I had to go teach a workout class Friday.

707
00:35:26.900 --> 00:35:31.940
So that's where I was on my way to when the accident happened. And I was subbing a class

708
00:35:31.940 --> 00:35:36.080
I don't normally teach. So it was like a hit class. It has all this time stuff. And I left

709
00:35:36.080 --> 00:35:41.380
my sheet of paper on the kitchen table because normally I kind of wing it when I teach class.

710
00:35:41.380 --> 00:35:46.260
And I was halfway down the stairs and I was like, crap, I can't just do that. I got to

711
00:35:46.260 --> 00:35:50.420
go back and go get the sheet. So the three minutes that it took me to go back and get

712
00:35:50.420 --> 00:35:56.380
the damn sheet is what put me right in that spot with that kid coming out of the thing.

713
00:35:56.380 --> 00:36:01.660
And right away I thought, well, gosh, I shouldn't have done that. And Brian was like, okay,

714
00:36:01.660 --> 00:36:07.660
but Renee, maybe you were the right person to take that hit. Because what if a driver

715
00:36:07.660 --> 00:36:12.740
wasn't paying attention? If they didn't stop at all or swerve, they would have hit his

716
00:36:12.740 --> 00:36:19.620
driver's side head on and that kid could have died. You could have just saved his life.

717
00:36:19.620 --> 00:36:26.140
And so I say that to say the videos, some of the dates that you think are just the biggest

718
00:36:26.140 --> 00:36:33.300
waste of your time, you might be saving someone's life in whatever way the Lord is wanting you

719
00:36:33.300 --> 00:36:41.340
to. And so you may not always understand why you're getting matched or unmatched. I don't

720
00:36:41.340 --> 00:36:49.260
know. Sometimes God is rescuing you for people or from people. And you just have to decide,

721
00:36:49.260 --> 00:36:54.860
I'm going to trust who God says he is, even when I don't see it in front of him. Even

722
00:36:54.860 --> 00:36:59.460
when none of this makes sense. I'm just going to trust you because I promise you guys,

723
00:36:59.460 --> 00:37:05.260
you need to have that kind of trust because whatever God has in front of us with all of

724
00:37:05.260 --> 00:37:09.380
the stuff that's going on in the world and married, you are going to have to have that

725
00:37:09.380 --> 00:37:14.340
high level of trust. It's not like you have, it's not like you need less trust married.

726
00:37:14.340 --> 00:37:21.860
You actually need more trust married. And so this is just exercising that muscle. Natasha.

727
00:37:22.860 --> 00:37:32.980
Hi, Renee. St. Louis, I just recently had to end like a level two type of thing that

728
00:37:32.980 --> 00:37:37.740
had been going on for like five and a half weeks to six weeks. But it's interesting,

729
00:37:37.740 --> 00:37:47.860
the topic today, because what I was struggling with is the lack of, I picked up very early

730
00:37:47.860 --> 00:37:52.740
on that. He's got an insecure attachment. I've got a very secure attachment. He's got

731
00:37:52.740 --> 00:37:57.340
an insecure attachment. Part of his, I think I learned from things that he had explored

732
00:37:57.340 --> 00:38:02.660
because I have a problem where people often would share too much because I'm a psychologist.

733
00:38:02.660 --> 00:38:07.580
And if they know that they do overshare. So I'm having to sit there all the time and conversations

734
00:38:07.580 --> 00:38:12.820
and try to manage that and manage myself not to inquire as I would in session. So that's

735
00:38:12.820 --> 00:38:17.340
where I find my challenges that I'm sitting there really containing myself and just kind

736
00:38:17.340 --> 00:38:23.980
of like not inquiring more. And just so one way I said, okay, that must have been really

737
00:38:23.980 --> 00:38:27.980
difficult. I'm just curious as to what did you learn from that experience in terms of

738
00:38:27.980 --> 00:38:31.780
how you'd like to show up differently for yourself? And I leave it at that. I don't

739
00:38:31.780 --> 00:38:35.860
even need them to answer me. I just kind of like, but I noticed that. So there was a lot

740
00:38:35.860 --> 00:38:42.260
he struggled with that. So we had a lot of fun together and it was really intentional,

741
00:38:42.260 --> 00:38:46.740
but he constantly would busy up our schedule so that we're constantly doing things so that

742
00:38:46.740 --> 00:38:51.860
he doesn't actually have to relate to me at a real level. So we had a lot of fun together

743
00:38:51.860 --> 00:38:56.340
and it was quite good, but I noticed that that was the challenge that he struggled to

744
00:38:56.340 --> 00:39:03.380
get deeper than a surface level. And I had to constantly manage like not also inquiring.

745
00:39:03.380 --> 00:39:06.340
And so it's just this week, I was just like, actually, I should have just gone back to

746
00:39:06.340 --> 00:39:11.220
some of the dating stuff and just what are questions I could have asked to just, I now

747
00:39:11.380 --> 00:39:16.580
know in hindsight, when I remember back our conversations, I actually know quite a bit

748
00:39:16.580 --> 00:39:20.660
about him and I know quite a bit about his past relationships and why they didn't work.

749
00:39:21.300 --> 00:39:27.060
And my psychology brain has actually done a dissection of that, but it shows up because

750
00:39:27.060 --> 00:39:32.420
effectively what I noticed is for five and a half week, I was love bombed. And then the last

751
00:39:32.420 --> 00:39:37.140
week when we had the conversation about what his dating and relationship expectations are and what

752
00:39:37.140 --> 00:39:42.580
mine are, and they weren't aligned because he expects sexual intimacy. And I said, I'm celibate.

753
00:39:42.580 --> 00:39:48.980
So that's not going to, how's that going to work? So he ghosted me for a week, but I reached out

754
00:39:48.980 --> 00:39:53.460
this week to just basically, and I just said, you know what, I'm really confused. And I just like,

755
00:39:53.460 --> 00:39:57.220
I just like us to, to find out what's going on for you, where you're at,

756
00:39:57.220 --> 00:39:59.940
how you'd like to move forward. I just feel.

757
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.320
it's important for us to, you know, if we're going to go our separate ways to do it with

758
00:40:04.320 --> 00:40:09.920
grace, kindness and respect. And he responded quite well to that. And I think what you are

759
00:40:09.920 --> 00:40:14.400
saying really spoke to me about leaving people better off. That's always what I remembered.

760
00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:20.160
So I could have gone full, full, full, like angry on him about ghosting me for a week. But I just

761
00:40:20.160 --> 00:40:26.000
actually decided to show up with grace and just teach him that separations don't have to happen

762
00:40:26.080 --> 00:40:32.320
with malice or toxicity. And he really responded to that. He said, yeah, I guess without

763
00:40:32.320 --> 00:40:36.240
expectations, we are different. So I guess we would need to go our separate ways, as sad as it

764
00:40:36.240 --> 00:40:39.840
is. But I said to him, I wish you all the best. I hope you find what you're looking for. And he

765
00:40:39.840 --> 00:40:45.600
said back to me, he's like, you're really a good person, a rare find, if I do say so. So it was

766
00:40:45.600 --> 00:40:50.080
nice that I think I gave him that because I think in his past relationships, probably breakups

767
00:40:51.040 --> 00:40:59.200
were quite toxic for him. And at least gave him that. And for me, it's, you know, I said to God,

768
00:40:59.200 --> 00:41:05.040
God, let him reveal his heart to me. And if he's not for me, you remove him and make my heart okay.

769
00:41:05.040 --> 00:41:10.640
And God has shown up because I'm God defended. I've been at peace all week. I've been sleeping

770
00:41:10.640 --> 00:41:14.720
well and I'm at peace, which is different from the five and a half weeks. I noticed that my

771
00:41:14.720 --> 00:41:22.400
sleep was not that good. And it's funny because, okay, so you brought up something that I'm

772
00:41:22.400 --> 00:41:26.880
learning a lot about in my CPE unit, and I'm sure you know the term, but they talk about

773
00:41:26.880 --> 00:41:32.000
transference and counter transference when we are interacting with somebody, especially in

774
00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:36.480
chaplain and counseling. But this happens to us even when we're on a date, you guys.

775
00:41:37.040 --> 00:41:44.720
Sometimes people can transfer their feelings onto us and, or if they find out I'm a chaplain,

776
00:41:44.720 --> 00:41:49.680
they find out you're a therapist, they're going to start to treat us like that. So they will

777
00:41:49.680 --> 00:41:56.560
transfer a role onto us. And especially if you're in that kind of caregiving sector, we got to make

778
00:41:56.560 --> 00:42:01.920
sure to push that at bay. The other thing that we have to pay attention to, which is called

779
00:42:01.920 --> 00:42:09.840
counter transferring, how I'm responding to somebody. And so like, um, I had a woman that

780
00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:15.040
was, um, a married woman that was working with me at the church where I'm doing some clinical hours.

781
00:42:15.040 --> 00:42:20.720
And you guys, it's been a very, very long marriage of his infidelity. I mean, like

782
00:42:20.720 --> 00:42:27.040
decades of infidelity. And, but he's a very famous person, doesn't want a divorce,

783
00:42:27.040 --> 00:42:31.680
make it all public, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you guys, I was having serious counter

784
00:42:31.680 --> 00:42:37.280
transference in, in the session because my mom tolerated that, you know, my dad cheating for a

785
00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:44.720
very, very long time before she finally left. And in my body, I was screaming, Oh, for the love of

786
00:42:44.720 --> 00:42:51.760
God, just leave him because that's what was going to make me feel better in the moment. That's not

787
00:42:51.760 --> 00:42:57.600
necessarily what she needs to do. And so we have to be super careful when we're on

788
00:42:57.600 --> 00:43:02.400
dates with people, especially if we have that caregiving kind of empathy role,

789
00:43:02.400 --> 00:43:09.040
we have to pay attention to, are they transferring onto us a role that we should not be playing yet?

790
00:43:09.040 --> 00:43:13.920
And so Brandon kind of back to your question, if you're on a date with a girl and she's starting

791
00:43:13.920 --> 00:43:19.600
to get too needy, is she transferring onto a role that's not yours to be doing yet?

792
00:43:19.600 --> 00:43:25.200
And then counter transferring, how are you starting to show up on that date? Is something

793
00:43:25.200 --> 00:43:31.360
starting to trigger in you? And here's the thing, if we are really responding in a counter transfer,

794
00:43:31.360 --> 00:43:37.040
if somebody is behaving with, that's bringing up a lot of stuff, especially early in the dating,

795
00:43:37.600 --> 00:43:43.040
that's on us to self-regulate. It's not on a complete stranger to regulate that.

796
00:43:43.040 --> 00:43:48.320
We have to start to be able to self, self-regulate. So thank you for bringing that up. Hunter,

797
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:56.320
what you got for me? Well, I was thinking about my approach now, because all these years I've

798
00:43:56.320 --> 00:44:02.560
been going to stuff, Bible say after Bible say after Bible say, conference after conference,

799
00:44:02.560 --> 00:44:06.800
event after event, looking for a woman to be the end goal. And whenever I don't get,

800
00:44:06.800 --> 00:44:13.840
I feel bad about myself for not accomplishing it as a mission. Now I took up jujitsu and I

801
00:44:13.840 --> 00:44:18.400
kind of reminds me about a goal establishing thing when I wrestle. But now when I did

802
00:44:18.400 --> 00:44:25.520
jujitsu, I did this before. I make a three phase choice. Phase one, just go to the event and have

803
00:44:25.520 --> 00:44:32.000
fun. If you really like to go, go do it. Phase two, just the mission is to just to go have fun and

804
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:38.640
enjoy and win the match. Try to think of what, rather than looking, thinking, what can I do to

805
00:44:38.640 --> 00:44:44.880
win on the match and warm up? It may not be guaranteed a match. It may not be a guarantee,

806
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:50.960
but that's all you can do. And then the bonus is the medals. I won my, I got first place in my

807
00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:56.880
bracket and then second place in the no give. And I figured, you know what? Rather than just treat

808
00:44:56.880 --> 00:45:00.000
the medal as the podium, as the end goal, how about focus on the end goal?

809
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.280
Focus on the marriage, so what can I do?

810
00:45:02.280 --> 00:45:05.200
It's the same thing when I went to Israel.

811
00:45:05.200 --> 00:45:06.560
I wanted to sign up for Israel

812
00:45:06.560 --> 00:45:08.480
because I haven't been abroad.

813
00:45:08.480 --> 00:45:10.160
Next up, I gotta have a good time.

814
00:45:10.160 --> 00:45:11.680
I like enthusiasm.

815
00:45:11.680 --> 00:45:13.240
And the family that had my birthday

816
00:45:13.240 --> 00:45:14.920
that brought me in and said,

817
00:45:14.920 --> 00:45:17.120
come over every day of the time like I'm family

818
00:45:17.120 --> 00:45:18.440
was my bonus.

819
00:45:18.440 --> 00:45:20.760
Now, if I treated the family as the end goal,

820
00:45:20.760 --> 00:45:22.640
then it's a different story.

821
00:45:22.640 --> 00:45:25.760
Does that sound like a good way, new way approaching it?

822
00:45:25.760 --> 00:45:27.640
But you know what though, to Hunter too,

823
00:45:27.640 --> 00:45:29.160
here's what I'm gonna recommend.

824
00:45:29.160 --> 00:45:32.640
This is my only concern when people only date in the wild.

825
00:45:32.640 --> 00:45:34.520
The problem with that is,

826
00:45:34.520 --> 00:45:36.000
and you're going out to singles events,

827
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:40.040
you just don't know how ready people are to date.

828
00:45:40.040 --> 00:45:42.360
And dating, going out to singles events

829
00:45:42.360 --> 00:45:44.640
and meeting people en masse,

830
00:45:44.640 --> 00:45:47.320
it's really hard to gauge their interest.

831
00:45:47.320 --> 00:45:51.160
That is kind of why I do like online dating

832
00:45:51.160 --> 00:45:53.640
because if they've clicked on your profile

833
00:45:53.640 --> 00:45:55.440
and started responding to you,

834
00:45:55.440 --> 00:45:57.640
you know they wanna date, ideally,

835
00:45:57.640 --> 00:46:00.000
and they're interested in you.

836
00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:02.160
And so it's like, it makes it super easy.

837
00:46:02.160 --> 00:46:04.400
And I did see this, you know how the,

838
00:46:04.400 --> 00:46:06.560
I wanna tell you a little bit about Nice2Me.

839
00:46:06.560 --> 00:46:09.520
Remember how Nice2Me is that new app.

840
00:46:09.520 --> 00:46:12.040
So Nice2Me, it's literally nice to me.

841
00:46:12.040 --> 00:46:16.640
And there's now a Christian version of it called,

842
00:46:16.640 --> 00:46:19.640
I think it's called cometogether.com

843
00:46:19.640 --> 00:46:21.680
where you answer like a survey

844
00:46:22.760 --> 00:46:24.600
and you say, I wanna go to dinner with people.

845
00:46:24.640 --> 00:46:27.640
And they'll put you in a dinner group of about six people.

846
00:46:27.640 --> 00:46:30.040
Now it's not always three and three,

847
00:46:30.040 --> 00:46:32.720
but it's never just all women or all men.

848
00:46:32.720 --> 00:46:37.040
So it might be four women, two men, or three and three.

849
00:46:37.040 --> 00:46:39.440
It's never gonna be less than

850
00:46:39.440 --> 00:46:41.400
at least two of the opposite sex.

851
00:46:41.400 --> 00:46:43.840
And so you go to the dinner

852
00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:46.440
and then you're not supposed to exchange any information

853
00:46:46.440 --> 00:46:48.920
with anybody there with after the dinner,

854
00:46:48.920 --> 00:46:50.440
you have to rate everybody.

855
00:46:50.440 --> 00:46:52.040
Either you give them a thumbs up like,

856
00:46:52.040 --> 00:46:54.560
hey, they're great, but not my person.

857
00:46:55.400 --> 00:46:57.240
Or you can give them a thumbs down like,

858
00:46:57.240 --> 00:46:59.960
and let you kind of warn it if somebody's like, eh.

859
00:47:01.040 --> 00:47:03.320
But if you like wanna get to know them together,

860
00:47:03.320 --> 00:47:04.880
you can do handshake.

861
00:47:04.880 --> 00:47:07.160
And then they will only match you

862
00:47:07.160 --> 00:47:08.680
if you both have that shared interest.

863
00:47:08.680 --> 00:47:10.880
So it's kind of like speed dating,

864
00:47:10.880 --> 00:47:13.720
but you have a whole date with six people.

865
00:47:13.720 --> 00:47:15.160
So it's a bit more organic.

866
00:47:15.160 --> 00:47:20.160
I think my friend said that it is like $30 a month

867
00:47:21.360 --> 00:47:24.520
and you can go on many dinner dates as you want.

868
00:47:25.480 --> 00:47:27.120
But if you're living in a city

869
00:47:27.120 --> 00:47:29.640
where that might yield a lot of people

870
00:47:29.640 --> 00:47:32.040
and you already like to go out to eat

871
00:47:32.040 --> 00:47:34.680
and you're like, I wanna meet like six new strangers

872
00:47:34.680 --> 00:47:37.720
every single week, that is a fun way.

873
00:47:37.720 --> 00:47:39.920
So to me, I kind of feel like that

874
00:47:39.920 --> 00:47:43.320
is somewhere in between a large group setting,

875
00:47:43.320 --> 00:47:44.920
going to a singles event

876
00:47:44.920 --> 00:47:47.000
where there's so many people to talk to

877
00:47:47.000 --> 00:47:50.120
that it can get weird versus just speed dating,

878
00:47:50.120 --> 00:47:52.400
which is super fast and online dating.

879
00:47:52.440 --> 00:47:54.600
And then speeding up with real human beings

880
00:47:54.600 --> 00:47:55.960
and getting to know each other.

881
00:47:55.960 --> 00:47:58.760
And there's no awkward at the end of the dinner,

882
00:47:58.760 --> 00:48:01.320
like, oh gosh, do I have to give him my number?

883
00:48:01.320 --> 00:48:02.600
Do I have to give her my number?

884
00:48:02.600 --> 00:48:04.000
You know that nobody's supposed to do that

885
00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:05.280
until after the fact.

886
00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:07.840
And you can even do that to meet other.

887
00:48:07.840 --> 00:48:09.280
And if you're like, Renee,

888
00:48:09.280 --> 00:48:13.440
I don't have enough guy or girlfriends in my community.

889
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:16.160
This might be a way for you to actually get friends.

890
00:48:16.160 --> 00:48:19.160
And so you can agree to handshake

891
00:48:19.160 --> 00:48:21.800
with another person of the same sex

892
00:48:21.800 --> 00:48:23.480
who you just want to be friends with.

893
00:48:23.480 --> 00:48:25.680
And now you've got another single person

894
00:48:25.680 --> 00:48:28.120
who will kind of go out to dinner.

895
00:48:32.640 --> 00:48:34.080
I'm actually just starting to fly

896
00:48:34.080 --> 00:48:35.960
through all of your comments.

897
00:48:35.960 --> 00:48:38.400
You guys are so sweet for caring about me.

898
00:48:38.400 --> 00:48:42.880
So the idea is rather than treat someone as the end goal.

899
00:48:44.680 --> 00:48:47.160
I don't think you should be treating anybody as an end goal.

900
00:48:47.160 --> 00:48:49.560
I think that you should be,

901
00:48:49.600 --> 00:48:53.200
I think for you Hunter, specifically,

902
00:48:53.200 --> 00:48:58.200
I think that you should be looking for maybe

903
00:48:59.280 --> 00:49:03.000
this group dinner and or apps that are specific

904
00:49:03.000 --> 00:49:05.040
to the kind of interests that you have.

905
00:49:05.040 --> 00:49:07.600
Like there are apps just for farmers.

906
00:49:07.600 --> 00:49:10.120
There are apps just for motorcycle people,

907
00:49:10.120 --> 00:49:11.560
apps just for runners.

908
00:49:11.560 --> 00:49:15.680
And so you might find a fitness app,

909
00:49:15.680 --> 00:49:17.360
maybe not jujitsu,

910
00:49:17.360 --> 00:49:20.200
but somebody is like fitnesssingles.com.

911
00:49:20.200 --> 00:49:24.360
Somebody who is going to appreciate your athleticism

912
00:49:24.360 --> 00:49:27.000
and somebody who's a little bit more like-minded.

913
00:49:27.000 --> 00:49:30.480
I actually think that will be easier for you

914
00:49:30.480 --> 00:49:32.480
to assess sooner than later

915
00:49:32.480 --> 00:49:35.040
if women are interested in you or not.

916
00:49:35.040 --> 00:49:38.000
Because I think what happens Hunter is you're super nice

917
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:40.760
and you're kind and amazing and you're a good looking guy.

918
00:49:40.760 --> 00:49:43.140
So I think a lot of women are probably gonna talk to you,

919
00:49:43.140 --> 00:49:45.560
but it's not gonna be as clear

920
00:49:45.560 --> 00:49:48.840
if they're being nice to you or interested in you.

921
00:49:48.840 --> 00:49:50.160
That's just my gut,

922
00:49:50.160 --> 00:49:52.680
because you're so nice and you're so likable.

923
00:49:52.680 --> 00:49:55.880
And so I can get how that could be confusing to you

924
00:49:55.880 --> 00:49:58.100
sometimes going, I thought she liked me.

925
00:49:58.100 --> 00:50:00.120
So I actually think the group.

926
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.160
dates where you find out if they really want to be with you one-on-one and or

927
00:50:04.160 --> 00:50:08.800
finding a very specialized app with interests that you have, I think it will be easier for

928
00:50:08.800 --> 00:50:14.240
you to discern if she wants to see you again or not for the right reasons. It's just my

929
00:50:14.240 --> 00:50:19.840
suggestion for you. And kind of having that, you know, mindset just a little bit more.

930
00:50:19.840 --> 00:50:24.320
Of course, Jackie said that my Jiu-Jitsu phose is something I need to put on my dating app.

931
00:50:25.600 --> 00:50:27.040
Wait, say that again. What did she say?

932
00:50:27.520 --> 00:50:31.840
I recommend putting my Jiu-Jitsu photos on my dating app too.

933
00:50:33.040 --> 00:50:38.400
Exactly, for sure. I mean, absolutely. I mean, you know, absolutely.

934
00:50:44.240 --> 00:50:48.240
Okay, wait, Brandon, what did you're saying here? I'm just, I'm getting through this.

935
00:50:48.240 --> 00:50:52.000
I have an idea. Every time I get catfished, trauma bonded or ghosted,

936
00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:56.080
I reallocate $5 to my monthly steak dinner fund. I'm just saying.

937
00:50:57.360 --> 00:51:00.640
That was your suggestion, Renee, like hack it for yourself. So it's a win-win.

938
00:51:03.280 --> 00:51:05.680
Unfortunately, I might go through a lot of steak dinners in a month.

939
00:51:09.440 --> 00:51:14.640
There were times I had like six or eight conversations going on and people would

940
00:51:14.640 --> 00:51:20.320
like delete me and I wouldn't even realize it at first. I'm like, oh, wait, wait a second.

941
00:51:20.320 --> 00:51:25.600
I think Mark stopped talking to me. I think Mark just deleted me. Whoops. How about that?

942
00:51:26.000 --> 00:51:34.320
And you guys, like I was in this program for four years and on the team teaching y'all

943
00:51:34.960 --> 00:51:39.520
before I met Brian. So do you know how many people would take my classes and find their

944
00:51:39.520 --> 00:51:44.000
person and go, oh my gosh, thank you, Renee. I found all your advice and I found my person.

945
00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:50.080
Yeah. Awesome for you. So great. Thumbs up. It's not working for me.

946
00:51:51.040 --> 00:51:58.720
And so I don't know why I had to wait until I was 57. Brian doesn't know why he had to wait

947
00:51:58.720 --> 00:52:05.200
until he was, I was 56. I was 56 when I met Brian and he was 60. And so I don't know why,

948
00:52:05.200 --> 00:52:09.920
I don't know why he and I had to go through the brokenness that we did. I don't know why

949
00:52:09.920 --> 00:52:16.160
I don't get to have babies with the person that I'm with. I don't know why I'm with somebody

950
00:52:16.240 --> 00:52:26.400
whose children live 300 to 3000 miles away. But I do know that we're good for each other

951
00:52:26.400 --> 00:52:33.280
right now. So I don't know if it's just my mistakes, plus Brian's mistakes, plus a fallen

952
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:40.000
world. And that's why it took us this long. All I know is that I'm going to appreciate every hour

953
00:52:40.720 --> 00:52:48.080
and day and month and year I get with him. And so that's the mindset I want you guys to

954
00:52:48.080 --> 00:52:54.080
have is not how much you will have lost by not finding them sooner, but how much you will get

955
00:52:54.080 --> 00:53:01.600
to appreciate because you waited so long and you were so diligent. You will have a patience for

956
00:53:01.600 --> 00:53:07.520
your person and an admiration for your person that most people who get married at 25 don't get to

957
00:53:07.520 --> 00:53:14.400
have because they don't realize how hard it was or how easy they had to find their person. But you

958
00:53:14.400 --> 00:53:18.560
guys, they have a different set of problems. Like my cousin, she was just talking about how

959
00:53:18.560 --> 00:53:23.360
she just celebrated her 30th wedding anniversary with her husband. And she's like, but Renee,

960
00:53:23.360 --> 00:53:29.920
like in that year 20 to 25, it was hell. Like if it weren't for our faith in Jesus, we would have

961
00:53:29.920 --> 00:53:36.000
gotten divorced. And you know, so like they grew up together. They dealt with miscarriages together.

962
00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:42.240
They dealt with financial issues together. And so children that disobeyed them, children that drank,

963
00:53:42.240 --> 00:53:49.200
I mean all of the things. And so some of those married couples will have gone through stuff

964
00:53:49.200 --> 00:53:57.360
that you and I won't have to go through with your person. And so I don't know. Again, I go back to

965
00:53:57.360 --> 00:54:03.680
when I don't know what else to tell you guys, I'm just going to do this. Hope in the dominant hand,

966
00:54:03.680 --> 00:54:10.000
the I don't knows. It's a fallen world in the other hand. Okay. Crystal, what you got?

967
00:54:11.600 --> 00:54:17.280
You have some kind of resource or suggestion because I would let everybody come see my closet.

968
00:54:19.200 --> 00:54:24.720
Oh girl, then you need some boundaries. I mean, if everybody on the call wanted to come see my

969
00:54:24.720 --> 00:54:29.520
closet, I would let you. Well, you know what you guys, I mean, I think that's an important

970
00:54:29.520 --> 00:54:35.280
question, Crystal, because I used to be a very, where my heart on my sleeve go. And I used to be

971
00:54:35.280 --> 00:54:41.040
involved with Celebrate Recovery. And I grew up like in a family system that had a lot of lies.

972
00:54:41.040 --> 00:54:46.320
We kept a lot of secrets. I wouldn't say nobody was calling them lies, but we kept a lot of family

973
00:54:46.320 --> 00:54:52.000
secrets. Right. And so I hit an age where I'm like, I'm just going to tell everybody the truth. And

974
00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:57.600
I'm just going to vomit the truth and let them see my warts right away. And Jackie is really right

975
00:54:57.600 --> 00:54:59.840
about this. We really need.

976
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.140
to slowly let people get to know us and vice versa.

977
00:55:04.140 --> 00:55:09.140
We need to fill a jar of the healthy deposits first

978
00:55:09.540 --> 00:55:12.420
of all the healthy things about us

979
00:55:12.420 --> 00:55:15.420
because every time we start to share,

980
00:55:15.420 --> 00:55:19.260
like when Brian was watching my anxiety all week

981
00:55:19.260 --> 00:55:21.940
and you guys, I've had like horrible nightmares

982
00:55:21.940 --> 00:55:25.260
like from this accident, like, and just anxiety.

983
00:55:25.260 --> 00:55:29.100
And so when he had to like try to call me yesterday,

984
00:55:29.100 --> 00:55:31.400
it took energy out of him to do it.

985
00:55:31.400 --> 00:55:35.880
It cost him to bear witness to my anxiety.

986
00:55:35.880 --> 00:55:37.320
We're talking about bearing witness.

987
00:55:37.320 --> 00:55:40.240
When you guys bear witness to somebody else's story,

988
00:55:40.240 --> 00:55:41.760
it's gonna cost you.

989
00:55:41.760 --> 00:55:44.600
Bearing witness to somebody's story will cost you.

990
00:55:44.600 --> 00:55:47.760
That's why we don't wanna bear too much

991
00:55:48.680 --> 00:55:51.480
and take on too much of their burden

992
00:55:51.480 --> 00:55:53.720
in those initial dating relationships

993
00:55:53.720 --> 00:55:56.680
because you've not put in enough deposits

994
00:55:56.680 --> 00:55:58.880
of the healthy and the safe stuff.

995
00:55:58.900 --> 00:56:03.420
So when somebody starts sharing this intimate stuff

996
00:56:03.420 --> 00:56:07.340
and you take on that intimacy, it's costing you.

997
00:56:07.340 --> 00:56:08.180
And what's gonna happen

998
00:56:08.180 --> 00:56:10.520
is you're gonna get depleted too quickly

999
00:56:10.520 --> 00:56:14.220
because, and back to my therapist, Natasha,

1000
00:56:14.220 --> 00:56:16.020
that's what will happen to her

1001
00:56:16.020 --> 00:56:19.660
is she's gonna take on people's stories

1002
00:56:19.660 --> 00:56:21.180
in a dating relationship

1003
00:56:21.180 --> 00:56:23.840
before that person's put enough deposits in her.

1004
00:56:23.840 --> 00:56:25.260
So I would say, Crystal,

1005
00:56:25.260 --> 00:56:27.460
just based on my memory of conversations

1006
00:56:27.480 --> 00:56:30.400
that you and I had, you mean that metaphorically,

1007
00:56:30.400 --> 00:56:33.340
but I also think you mean that in the natural.

1008
00:56:33.340 --> 00:56:36.240
Like, I think you're a very open book too.

1009
00:56:36.240 --> 00:56:40.620
And so I think it has probably cost you to do that

1010
00:56:40.620 --> 00:56:42.900
and it may have cost you some relationships

1011
00:56:42.900 --> 00:56:45.900
with people who weren't ready to bear that story.

1012
00:56:45.900 --> 00:56:47.720
They either hadn't earned it,

1013
00:56:47.720 --> 00:56:49.300
they didn't have capacity for it,

1014
00:56:49.300 --> 00:56:51.940
and that doesn't make your story too big.

1015
00:56:51.940 --> 00:56:54.460
It just makes the deposits not there yet.

1016
00:56:54.460 --> 00:56:58.300
And I think that's why when people say you're too much,

1017
00:56:58.300 --> 00:57:00.420
maybe, but maybe we just hadn't put

1018
00:57:00.420 --> 00:57:02.280
enough good deposit in there.

1019
00:57:02.280 --> 00:57:04.540
And we were asking people to start to withdraw

1020
00:57:04.540 --> 00:57:05.780
before it was too soon.

1021
00:57:05.780 --> 00:57:07.740
So I'm glad you said that, Crystal,

1022
00:57:07.740 --> 00:57:11.440
because I think some of us can kind of fall in that camp

1023
00:57:11.440 --> 00:57:13.180
of I'm just gonna let people know who I am.

1024
00:57:13.180 --> 00:57:14.660
And I will say this,

1025
00:57:14.660 --> 00:57:17.660
I'm a what you see is what you get girl, for sure.

1026
00:57:17.660 --> 00:57:19.940
Brian would still say I'm the same person

1027
00:57:19.940 --> 00:57:21.320
I was on the first phone call,

1028
00:57:21.320 --> 00:57:23.000
that I was on the first date,

1029
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:27.960
that I was on our first fight versus married.

1030
00:57:27.960 --> 00:57:31.300
So I would say my character is the same,

1031
00:57:31.300 --> 00:57:33.920
but the content and the level of depth

1032
00:57:33.920 --> 00:57:36.960
of what he's heard has grown.

1033
00:57:38.320 --> 00:57:41.080
And he's now got the capacity

1034
00:57:41.080 --> 00:57:43.520
to be able to kind of handle all of that.

1035
00:57:43.520 --> 00:57:46.720
So I hope that answers your question.

1036
00:57:46.720 --> 00:57:51.600
It's just safe for you to hang on to your story

1037
00:57:51.600 --> 00:57:55.200
and let people slowly move in.

1038
00:57:55.200 --> 00:57:57.680
I think it'll help you narrow down

1039
00:57:57.680 --> 00:57:59.520
to find your right person,

1040
00:57:59.520 --> 00:58:01.640
because we don't want you to,

1041
00:58:01.640 --> 00:58:04.540
we don't think you're gonna miss it, right?

1042
00:58:04.540 --> 00:58:06.840
But I definitely believe that

1043
00:58:09.020 --> 00:58:11.600
we can either deplete ourselves too much

1044
00:58:11.600 --> 00:58:14.880
or deplete somebody else too much by sharing too much.

1045
00:58:14.880 --> 00:58:16.440
I think I've just beat that dead horse,

1046
00:58:16.440 --> 00:58:18.480
so I just need to shut up, okay.

1047
00:58:18.480 --> 00:58:20.100
I'm just starting to go through the comments

1048
00:58:20.100 --> 00:58:22.800
to make sure that I'm not missing.

1049
00:58:22.800 --> 00:58:27.800
Anybody, any other questions?

1050
00:58:32.860 --> 00:58:34.500
Oh, come along, okay, good.

1051
00:58:34.500 --> 00:58:35.820
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, good.

1052
00:58:35.820 --> 00:58:40.620
See, all right, let me see.

1053
00:58:40.620 --> 00:58:41.460
Any other questions?

1054
00:58:41.460 --> 00:58:42.660
You guys are doing so good.

1055
00:58:42.660 --> 00:58:44.100
You guys, I hope you guys repeat,

1056
00:58:44.100 --> 00:58:46.940
I hope you guys have enjoyed this conversation tonight.

1057
00:58:46.940 --> 00:58:47.940
Let me just look at my notes,

1058
00:58:47.940 --> 00:58:49.100
because I did take some notes

1059
00:58:49.100 --> 00:58:51.220
and I wanna make sure I kind of got to everything.

1060
00:58:51.220 --> 00:58:52.980
Okay, let me go back.

1061
00:58:52.980 --> 00:58:53.820
Yes, ma'am, who's, yeah.

1062
00:58:53.820 --> 00:58:55.140
Can I just say something?

1063
00:58:55.140 --> 00:58:56.020
Because, you know, like,

1064
00:58:56.020 --> 00:58:58.820
I think what you're saying about who we share with

1065
00:58:58.820 --> 00:59:00.220
and just opening up to people

1066
00:59:00.220 --> 00:59:01.560
that there are different levels to that,

1067
00:59:01.560 --> 00:59:05.000
because I've actually kind of seen that even in,

1068
00:59:06.020 --> 00:59:08.800
because basically with this five and a half weeks

1069
00:59:08.800 --> 00:59:09.780
where I was seeing this guy,

1070
00:59:09.780 --> 00:59:11.580
I brought him into the community

1071
00:59:11.580 --> 00:59:13.400
because we go to the same church.

1072
00:59:13.400 --> 00:59:14.500
Even though I'm figuring out,

1073
00:59:14.500 --> 00:59:16.300
I don't think he's really a believer,

1074
00:59:16.300 --> 00:59:18.340
but that's another story for another day.

1075
00:59:18.340 --> 00:59:20.820
But because I brought him into community

1076
00:59:20.820 --> 00:59:23.700
and he met like my community at church,

1077
00:59:23.700 --> 00:59:24.860
my discipleship group,

1078
00:59:24.860 --> 00:59:27.300
it's kind of like, they kind of,

1079
00:59:27.300 --> 00:59:29.100
I was able to bounce things off of them

1080
00:59:29.100 --> 00:59:31.380
and share things off of them or questions I had

1081
00:59:31.380 --> 00:59:33.500
and ask them to pray about the situation

1082
00:59:33.500 --> 00:59:35.420
and just for me to get clarity.

1083
00:59:35.420 --> 00:59:37.820
But I noticed even within that,

1084
00:59:37.820 --> 00:59:39.300
with my church group as well,

1085
00:59:39.300 --> 00:59:42.340
that there were some that were mature enough for me

1086
00:59:42.340 --> 00:59:43.900
to disclose and share more to,

1087
00:59:43.900 --> 00:59:45.220
and some that weren't.

1088
00:59:46.060 --> 00:59:47.780
So yeah, so it was just,

1089
00:59:47.780 --> 00:59:51.620
I've learned a lot during this last two months

1090
00:59:51.620 --> 00:59:52.460
where I'm like looking,

1091
00:59:52.460 --> 00:59:54.900
oh, okay, so those are people who are mature enough

1092
00:59:54.900 --> 00:59:55.780
that I can talk to.

1093
00:59:55.780 --> 00:59:57.940
And this one, no, not about this,

1094
00:59:57.940 --> 00:59:58.940
but maybe about this.

1095
00:59:58.940 --> 01:00:00.180
So yeah, so it's been.

1096
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.080
It's quite a learning journey for me as well.

1097
01:00:03.080 --> 01:00:10.520
Especially if, like, I think it's been really hard for some of us who, like in ministry,

1098
01:00:10.520 --> 01:00:15.840
I used to be able to speak at a church for like literally three minutes at a pulpit.

1099
01:00:15.840 --> 01:00:20.440
And the people in the audience would come and share their deepest, darkest secret with

1100
01:00:20.440 --> 01:00:21.440
me.

1101
01:00:21.440 --> 01:00:24.240
Like somehow they immediately felt connected and safe with me.

1102
01:00:24.240 --> 01:00:29.800
And so it's a gift, but I have to really reign that gift in on a date because I don't

1103
01:00:29.800 --> 01:00:34.460
want them to share their deepest, darkest secrets on the first date because that's not

1104
01:00:34.460 --> 01:00:36.200
my role in that setting.

1105
01:00:36.200 --> 01:00:39.000
I'm looking to date.

1106
01:00:39.000 --> 01:00:40.800
And so we have to be super careful there.

1107
01:00:40.800 --> 01:00:41.800
Okay.

1108
01:00:41.800 --> 01:00:42.800
I want to go to this real quick.

1109
01:00:42.800 --> 01:00:43.800
Okay.

1110
01:00:43.800 --> 01:00:46.280
So back to the basics for your profile.

1111
01:00:46.280 --> 01:00:52.620
If nobody's looking at your profile online, remember, keep it super simple.

1112
01:00:52.620 --> 01:00:54.000
Your best photos, people.

1113
01:00:54.760 --> 01:00:56.520
I have helped you with some of your profiles.

1114
01:00:56.520 --> 01:01:00.480
Some of you are picking photos where there's too much shadow.

1115
01:01:00.480 --> 01:01:02.200
You've got sunglasses on.

1116
01:01:02.200 --> 01:01:06.640
You've got like hat on, like you're about, like so far away.

1117
01:01:06.640 --> 01:01:09.900
Or you're wearing the same outfit and you're in seven pictures.

1118
01:01:09.900 --> 01:01:11.360
Do not do that.

1119
01:01:11.360 --> 01:01:14.920
Do not put more than one picture of one outfit.

1120
01:01:14.920 --> 01:01:15.920
Okay.

1121
01:01:15.920 --> 01:01:20.120
So if you're going to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you know, guy friend, take photos,

1122
01:01:20.120 --> 01:01:21.700
bring clothes.

1123
01:01:21.700 --> 01:01:25.180
So I don't care if you're in the same setting because, oh, here's what my photographer did

1124
01:01:25.180 --> 01:01:26.940
for my website.

1125
01:01:26.940 --> 01:01:32.420
We had probably seven wardrobe changes and she would rent out a house that she would

1126
01:01:32.420 --> 01:01:34.540
get like three hours worth.

1127
01:01:34.540 --> 01:01:38.140
And so some of the pictures we did in the kitchen, some in the living room, some in

1128
01:01:38.140 --> 01:01:41.220
the bedroom, some in the back porch, some in the front chairs.

1129
01:01:41.220 --> 01:01:44.220
And then for each room, I changed my wardrobe.

1130
01:01:44.220 --> 01:01:49.740
So it looked like a four day photo shoot that we did in two hours.

1131
01:01:49.780 --> 01:01:53.020
So that's my, that's my rule of thumb with you for photos.

1132
01:01:53.020 --> 01:01:54.460
Make sure you have a good closeup.

1133
01:01:54.460 --> 01:02:00.100
And when I say closeup y'all, we don't need it to be closer than this.

1134
01:02:00.100 --> 01:02:01.100
It don't need to be this close.

1135
01:02:01.100 --> 01:02:05.740
Even, I mean, no, like, come on, no, we don't, we don't need to be this close.

1136
01:02:05.740 --> 01:02:06.740
Okay.

1137
01:02:06.740 --> 01:02:09.860
And then when you do your video date, can we have the camera back a little bit like

1138
01:02:09.860 --> 01:02:11.380
this on a video date?

1139
01:02:11.380 --> 01:02:15.060
I've done some coaching calls with some of you that are like this, like, I'm sorry, but

1140
01:02:15.060 --> 01:02:16.660
I shouldn't be able to see the nose hairs.

1141
01:02:16.660 --> 01:02:17.660
No.

1142
01:02:17.660 --> 01:02:19.500
Pull the camera back just a little bit.

1143
01:02:20.260 --> 01:02:25.340
If like, make sure you've got a cute top on, you've got some earrings on, the necklace,

1144
01:02:25.340 --> 01:02:26.340
like make it look cute.

1145
01:02:26.340 --> 01:02:28.380
Especially if your background's white.

1146
01:02:28.380 --> 01:02:32.380
If your background is white, don't wear white, like whatever.

1147
01:02:32.380 --> 01:02:38.100
And again, I always say, take your laptop around the house and find your best, oh, see,

1148
01:02:38.100 --> 01:02:39.100
look at that lighting.

1149
01:02:39.100 --> 01:02:41.460
I mean, it just took away all my wrinkles right there.

1150
01:02:41.460 --> 01:02:42.460
Okay.

1151
01:02:42.460 --> 01:02:47.980
So you want to find good lighting and you want to have the camera straight here.

1152
01:02:47.980 --> 01:02:49.260
You don't want it down.

1153
01:02:50.020 --> 01:02:51.980
I don't want to look like a double chin that way.

1154
01:02:51.980 --> 01:02:55.380
Like you got to make sure the camera is in the right direction.

1155
01:02:55.380 --> 01:03:00.980
Your full body shot, make it your best shot, you know, like turn in the camera certain

1156
01:03:00.980 --> 01:03:05.420
ways and so that you know, which see now it's like I'm frozen, um, that you know what your

1157
01:03:05.420 --> 01:03:06.420
best shot is.

1158
01:03:06.420 --> 01:03:10.140
Um, and make sure, again, if you're in a group photo, make sure you're the hottest person

1159
01:03:10.140 --> 01:03:11.140
in the picture.

1160
01:03:11.140 --> 01:03:12.580
Like, my cousin's gorgeous.

1161
01:03:12.580 --> 01:03:13.660
She looks like Jennifer Aniston.

1162
01:03:13.660 --> 01:03:17.660
I would never put a picture of her and me in a profile because all the men would just

1163
01:03:17.660 --> 01:03:20.260
gravitate towards her because I always did my whole life.

1164
01:03:20.260 --> 01:03:22.940
So I'm not putting her in my profile photos.

1165
01:03:22.940 --> 01:03:24.380
Um, okay.

1166
01:03:24.380 --> 01:03:29.300
So in your profile bio, you really only need to say a few things.

1167
01:03:29.300 --> 01:03:33.980
What are the top three things that you want somebody to know about you?

1168
01:03:33.980 --> 01:03:38.980
Um, about your faith, about your best features, about your hobbies and about what matters

1169
01:03:38.980 --> 01:03:39.980
to you.

1170
01:03:39.980 --> 01:03:40.980
So just think about that.

1171
01:03:40.980 --> 01:03:43.380
What do I want them to know about my faith?

1172
01:03:43.380 --> 01:03:45.020
What do I think are my best features?

1173
01:03:45.020 --> 01:03:46.020
I'm funny.

1174
01:03:46.020 --> 01:03:47.020
I'm engaging.

1175
01:03:47.380 --> 01:03:48.380
What do I like to travel?

1176
01:03:48.380 --> 01:03:50.060
Um, what are my hobbies?

1177
01:03:50.060 --> 01:03:52.020
And then what most matters to you?

1178
01:03:52.020 --> 01:03:56.940
And then you want to talk about very quickly what you're looking for in a mate.

1179
01:03:56.940 --> 01:03:57.940
That's it.

1180
01:03:57.940 --> 01:03:58.940
Keep it super simple.

1181
01:03:58.940 --> 01:04:06.140
You don't have to mention Jesus 5,000 times and you don't have to like, but if like motorcycles

1182
01:04:06.140 --> 01:04:09.580
is a deal breaker, then put on there that motorcycles is a deal breaker.

1183
01:04:09.580 --> 01:04:11.780
I mean, whatever it is.

1184
01:04:11.780 --> 01:04:14.900
Um, so that's like the biggest thing I want to say.

1185
01:04:14.900 --> 01:04:18.940
I say this time and time again, do not text more than three or four days.

1186
01:04:18.940 --> 01:04:24.380
Do not text and answer questions about faith, about your ex, why you're single.

1187
01:04:24.380 --> 01:04:26.560
Don't answer those questions on a text.

1188
01:04:26.560 --> 01:04:29.020
You say, those are great questions.

1189
01:04:29.020 --> 01:04:33.140
I would love to answer that when we can look at each other on a video so we can see each

1190
01:04:33.140 --> 01:04:36.340
other, body language, tone, inflection.

1191
01:04:36.340 --> 01:04:37.340
That's what I always say.

1192
01:04:37.340 --> 01:04:41.220
Literally say that because I don't say, I want to make sure you're not a scammer.

1193
01:04:41.220 --> 01:04:42.220
I don't say that.

1194
01:04:42.580 --> 01:04:44.620
But I do say, that's a great question.

1195
01:04:44.620 --> 01:04:47.580
I also don't say things like, Oh, we're just level one now.

1196
01:04:47.580 --> 01:04:49.060
I can't answer that question.

1197
01:04:49.060 --> 01:04:50.740
No, they don't know the levels.

1198
01:04:50.740 --> 01:04:52.260
They're not going to know your lingo.

1199
01:04:52.260 --> 01:04:54.460
So you're just going to say, that's a great question.

1200
01:04:54.460 --> 01:04:59.500
I'll be happy to answer a little bit of it right now and if we keep talking, I'd be happy

1201
01:04:59.500 --> 01:05:00.000
to share more.

1202
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.200
more information. That's the softest way to say it. We don't want to be like, Oh my gosh,

1203
01:05:04.200 --> 01:05:08.600
no to that question. Now I always say, and Jackie always says, don't talk about sex.

1204
01:05:08.600 --> 01:05:13.140
But of course, if they bring up sex in some way, then you now have to answer the question

1205
01:05:13.140 --> 01:05:17.960
about sex. So no, I don't think every stranger needs to know where you stand on sex outside

1206
01:05:17.960 --> 01:05:22.080
of marriage. I mean, the running joke, I'm, you guys, I can't even use, I can't even use

1207
01:05:22.080 --> 01:05:26.360
it as a joke anymore because Bill Clinton has not been president for so long, but I

1208
01:05:26.360 --> 01:05:31.560
used to say, I mean, I always say no sex before marriage. And I don't mean the Bill

1209
01:05:31.560 --> 01:05:35.640
Clinton version of no sex before marriage. I literally mean no sex before marriage. And

1210
01:05:35.640 --> 01:05:42.920
that means all of the sex before marriage, um, including the big O sex. And so, um, but

1211
01:05:42.920 --> 01:05:48.400
if I said that joke now, like nobody would know what I was talking about. Uh, poor Monica.

1212
01:05:48.400 --> 01:05:55.840
Okay. Um, okay. Oh, when you guys go on video, y'all smile, smile. Like even when you're

1213
01:05:55.840 --> 01:06:00.320
here with me, I'm shocked at how many of you come on and ask me questions and or do

1214
01:06:00.320 --> 01:06:09.600
things and you're like this, y'all like, no game on game on. Like, look at, look at Judy's

1215
01:06:09.600 --> 01:06:13.280
smile, man. She's smiling at me the whole time. Like she's dead center on my thing and

1216
01:06:13.280 --> 01:06:17.480
I just want to go have coffee with her cause she's smiling and she's laughing with me.

1217
01:06:17.480 --> 01:06:23.280
She might like, I see, even if she's faking it, I want to go hang out with her. Okay.

1218
01:06:23.280 --> 01:06:31.400
Let's see. Do not discuss why you got divorced. People do not like asking why. So when somebody

1219
01:06:31.400 --> 01:06:36.320
asks you, Oh, why are you still single? How come you never got married? I, you know, here's

1220
01:06:36.320 --> 01:06:43.000
my answer. I just haven't found my person apparently. And or that's a loaded question.

1221
01:06:43.000 --> 01:06:47.200
Probably as it would be as easy for you to answer why you got divorced. And I'm like,

1222
01:06:47.200 --> 01:06:50.680
but the short answer is I just didn't find my person yet. I'm so excited that I'm in

1223
01:06:50.680 --> 01:06:55.760
this season of my life where I'm intentionally dating right now. It's going to happen. And

1224
01:06:55.760 --> 01:06:59.960
above all else, I also want you to remember, and this is the same thing, my diet and fitness

1225
01:06:59.960 --> 01:07:03.440
coach used to say, she's like, if you're going to have a cheat meal or whatever you want

1226
01:07:03.440 --> 01:07:07.960
to call it, that she's like, it better be a hell. Yeah. Like if you're going to have

1227
01:07:07.960 --> 01:07:12.960
a piece of cake, that cake better taste like the bomb. But if you're two bites in and you're

1228
01:07:12.960 --> 01:07:18.280
like, eh, on the cake, you toss the cake, you don't waste and eat the damn calories

1229
01:07:18.280 --> 01:07:22.560
just because it's sitting in front of you. That's how y'all need to date. Like you want

1230
01:07:22.560 --> 01:07:27.440
it to be a hell yeah. And I know Jackie always says it's got to be yes until it's a no. And

1231
01:07:27.440 --> 01:07:32.440
I'm going to go, it's got to be a heck yes until it's a no, especially the further you

1232
01:07:32.440 --> 01:07:38.320
get in. If you're not excited to talk to that person again, don't go on the date. Like if

1233
01:07:38.320 --> 01:07:44.360
you're like dredging it, if you're like, well, like no life's too short. Um, and so it's

1234
01:07:44.520 --> 01:07:52.160
the yes needs to be a yes. Like a real yes. Not a like, Oh yes. Yeah. Cause you know,

1235
01:07:52.160 --> 01:07:58.440
and it's so true. Every bad day is just making room for the right date. Like, you know, and

1236
01:07:58.440 --> 01:08:03.440
y'all like, I promise you when you find your person, cause I really believe all of you

1237
01:08:03.440 --> 01:08:07.760
can. Like I do like Jackie and I look at some of the people that have gotten married in

1238
01:08:07.760 --> 01:08:12.280
this community and I'm like, there really is somebody for everybody. Like there really

1239
01:08:12.280 --> 01:08:17.680
is. Like, and I don't mean that like, Oh, there's the ugly person. Oh, there's the weirdo

1240
01:08:17.680 --> 01:08:23.960
person. But we have had every personality, every age, every ethnic group, everybody from

1241
01:08:23.960 --> 01:08:28.960
around the world get engaged in this community game. It really, it makes no sense. And so

1242
01:08:28.960 --> 01:08:32.640
if you've been sitting here and you've been here a while, and I know some of my like Kim,

1243
01:08:32.640 --> 01:08:36.319
like girl, you're my girl. You've been on here. Like you've been with me. Like, I don't

1244
01:08:36.319 --> 01:08:40.640
know why. Like Kim's a good example of, I don't know why Kim's not married. She's gorgeous.

1245
01:08:40.640 --> 01:08:44.960
She's amazing. She's funny. She's got a good job. She's a great mom. I don't know. I don't

1246
01:08:44.960 --> 01:08:49.479
have a good answer for her, but I do know when the smart, amazing guy that knocks her

1247
01:08:49.479 --> 01:08:55.279
socks off finds her and he's going to be like, she's my good thing. Kim's going to be like,

1248
01:08:55.279 --> 01:09:00.640
you know what? Every toad I had to kiss ahead of time is going to be worth this because

1249
01:09:00.640 --> 01:09:05.160
I deserve this. I deserve this. And you guys, we know marriage is hard and I don't want

1250
01:09:05.160 --> 01:09:11.920
you to just do, eh, it's good enough. Anyway, I'm just, I'm just kind of mouthing off right

1251
01:09:11.920 --> 01:09:18.240
now. Okay. Um, any other questions? I want to take any date in question that you have,

1252
01:09:18.240 --> 01:09:22.120
any date in question that you have whatsoever. There's nothing that will shock me or shame

1253
01:09:22.120 --> 01:09:28.800
me or scare me. So as you know, now I might tell you to, Renee, can I ask you just a clarifying

1254
01:09:28.800 --> 01:09:35.640
question real quick? This is Alex. Yes, I see you. Um, is it supposed to be like a

1255
01:09:35.640 --> 01:09:41.680
heck yes from the start or is it like, are we, if we're like, Oh, maybe should we be

1256
01:09:41.680 --> 01:09:44.800
giving people a chance? Like right when we first met?

1257
01:09:44.800 --> 01:09:49.920
So Jackie always says if you have an F first date, give him a chance on the second date.

1258
01:09:49.920 --> 01:09:54.320
I think that's when it's allowed to be, eh, let me give this guy and let me give this

1259
01:09:54.320 --> 01:09:59.800
guy or girl another chance. I think that's right. But I think if you're not excited for

1260
01:09:59.800 --> 01:10:00.000
the

1261
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.400
third or fourth date,

1262
01:10:01.400 --> 01:10:04.120
you're not really looking forward to talking to them.

1263
01:10:04.120 --> 01:10:05.760
You're not looking forward to talking to them.

1264
01:10:05.760 --> 01:10:06.640
Now, here's the thing,

1265
01:10:06.640 --> 01:10:09.240
because Alexander, there are plenty of guys

1266
01:10:09.240 --> 01:10:10.960
that I had three or four dates with

1267
01:10:10.960 --> 01:10:12.400
that I thought were really nice guys,

1268
01:10:12.400 --> 01:10:14.700
and I really enjoyed my time with them.

1269
01:10:14.700 --> 01:10:16.200
But the more I unpacked it,

1270
01:10:16.200 --> 01:10:18.120
I realized they were not a good match for me,

1271
01:10:18.120 --> 01:10:20.700
or they realized I wasn't a good match for them.

1272
01:10:20.700 --> 01:10:23.640
That didn't mean it was bad,

1273
01:10:23.640 --> 01:10:25.520
it just mean one of the two of us,

1274
01:10:25.520 --> 01:10:28.840
as we got more dated, decided it's not the right person.

1275
01:10:28.840 --> 01:10:31.160
So I would say for date one and two,

1276
01:10:31.160 --> 01:10:34.360
and maybe date three, you're given a chance.

1277
01:10:34.360 --> 01:10:35.960
I think after that,

1278
01:10:35.960 --> 01:10:38.100
you need to wanna really go out with them again.

1279
01:10:38.100 --> 01:10:40.240
Now, to really go out with them again

1280
01:10:40.240 --> 01:10:41.680
is not the same as, oh my gosh,

1281
01:10:41.680 --> 01:10:42.920
I'm madly in love with them,

1282
01:10:42.920 --> 01:10:45.600
and I think he's my person, and I'm gonna marry him.

1283
01:10:45.600 --> 01:10:47.620
Those are two different things.

1284
01:10:47.620 --> 01:10:49.800
So hopefully you hear the difference.

1285
01:10:49.800 --> 01:10:52.120
But like, I really liked Brian.

1286
01:10:52.120 --> 01:10:54.720
I really wanted to keep talking to him.

1287
01:10:54.720 --> 01:10:57.200
But here's how I knew it was healthy,

1288
01:10:57.240 --> 01:11:00.280
because even six weeks in,

1289
01:11:00.280 --> 01:11:02.440
I remember saying to people,

1290
01:11:02.440 --> 01:11:05.680
I think he's my person, I really do.

1291
01:11:05.680 --> 01:11:07.560
But you know what, if he's not my person,

1292
01:11:07.560 --> 01:11:09.480
I want him to find his right person,

1293
01:11:09.480 --> 01:11:11.160
because he's such a good guy.

1294
01:11:11.160 --> 01:11:13.000
He deserves his right person.

1295
01:11:13.000 --> 01:11:15.080
I hope it's me, but if it's not me,

1296
01:11:15.080 --> 01:11:17.380
I'm gonna help him find the right me.

1297
01:11:17.380 --> 01:11:18.800
That's how I knew I finally had

1298
01:11:18.800 --> 01:11:20.760
secure attachment with somebody,

1299
01:11:20.760 --> 01:11:23.400
because I wasn't anxious about it anymore.

1300
01:11:23.400 --> 01:11:25.500
And so it wasn't like,

1301
01:11:25.500 --> 01:11:27.140
and so thank you for asking that question,

1302
01:11:27.980 --> 01:11:30.660
because heck yes wasn't like crazy, heck yes.

1303
01:11:30.660 --> 01:11:33.340
So let's not go back to old chemistry, heck yes.

1304
01:11:33.340 --> 01:11:34.520
That's not what I mean.

1305
01:11:34.520 --> 01:11:35.900
That doesn't mean, heck yes,

1306
01:11:35.900 --> 01:11:38.780
I wanna jump his or her bones across the table.

1307
01:11:38.780 --> 01:11:40.860
Heck yes, I got something I'm talking about.

1308
01:11:40.860 --> 01:11:43.980
I'm like, heck yes, I enjoy them.

1309
01:11:43.980 --> 01:11:45.680
I wanna hang out with them again.

1310
01:11:45.680 --> 01:11:48.460
I feel like a better human being when I'm with them.

1311
01:11:48.460 --> 01:11:50.260
I think they feel like a better human being

1312
01:11:50.260 --> 01:11:51.540
when they're with me.

1313
01:11:51.540 --> 01:11:53.160
Like, that's the thing.

1314
01:11:53.160 --> 01:11:55.740
I mean, I think Natasha kind of said it,

1315
01:11:55.740 --> 01:11:57.900
and she said she finally started sleeping better.

1316
01:11:57.900 --> 01:12:00.460
When you're with a healthy person,

1317
01:12:00.460 --> 01:12:03.460
your body naturally leans in.

1318
01:12:03.460 --> 01:12:05.100
If somebody is unhealthy, right?

1319
01:12:05.100 --> 01:12:06.540
If somebody starts to creep you out

1320
01:12:06.540 --> 01:12:09.020
and or they're unhealthy, what happens?

1321
01:12:09.020 --> 01:12:12.580
Your body starts to back up.

1322
01:12:12.580 --> 01:12:16.580
Like your body backs up even before your brain backs up.

1323
01:12:16.580 --> 01:12:19.260
And so pay attention to what your body is doing.

1324
01:12:19.260 --> 01:12:22.980
If it's feeling anxious and you're not sleeping

1325
01:12:22.980 --> 01:12:25.140
and you're deciphering a bunch of messages

1326
01:12:25.540 --> 01:12:27.100
and explaining a lot of behavior,

1327
01:12:27.100 --> 01:12:28.780
probably not a healthy person.

1328
01:12:28.780 --> 01:12:30.340
They could be a nice person.

1329
01:12:30.340 --> 01:12:31.660
They could be a good person.

1330
01:12:31.660 --> 01:12:34.780
They could one day be somebody's right person.

1331
01:12:34.780 --> 01:12:37.880
But if they're not healthy when you're with them

1332
01:12:37.880 --> 01:12:40.880
and it's starting to bring you down,

1333
01:12:40.880 --> 01:12:42.740
that's not your time to be with them.

1334
01:12:46.140 --> 01:12:48.340
I love that you find me funny.

1335
01:12:48.340 --> 01:12:50.180
Some people don't find me funny.

1336
01:12:50.180 --> 01:12:51.860
I can be snarky too.

1337
01:12:51.860 --> 01:12:53.180
I was actually talking about this

1338
01:12:53.180 --> 01:12:55.580
with one of the other therapists at the church.

1339
01:12:55.580 --> 01:12:58.860
We're like, we're both a little bit Italian and Yankee

1340
01:12:58.860 --> 01:13:00.620
and we can be super cynical too.

1341
01:13:00.620 --> 01:13:03.140
Like, if you're too nice to me,

1342
01:13:05.620 --> 01:13:06.900
haven't you guys ever been around people

1343
01:13:06.900 --> 01:13:08.300
that are just really too nice?

1344
01:13:08.300 --> 01:13:10.660
And you're like, no one's this nice.

1345
01:13:10.660 --> 01:13:13.860
Although my husband might be, I don't know.

1346
01:13:13.860 --> 01:13:15.020
But he was a nurse.

1347
01:13:15.020 --> 01:13:17.260
Although sometimes like, you know,

1348
01:13:17.260 --> 01:13:21.140
sometimes I think my snarky is wearing off on him.

1349
01:13:21.140 --> 01:13:22.100
Goodness gracious.

1350
01:13:22.100 --> 01:13:26.300
Okay, I am just flying through all the questions here

1351
01:13:26.300 --> 01:13:27.140
to make sure.

1352
01:13:27.140 --> 01:13:29.140
See Kim, you knew I was talking about you.

1353
01:13:30.300 --> 01:13:32.540
Okay, why am I still single?

1354
01:13:34.220 --> 01:13:35.060
I love this.

1355
01:13:35.060 --> 01:13:36.460
Oh my gosh, Melissa Dawn.

1356
01:13:36.460 --> 01:13:38.740
Press one to ask the Father God this question.

1357
01:13:38.740 --> 01:13:40.740
Press two to talk to the Holy Spirit.

1358
01:13:40.740 --> 01:13:42.660
Press three for Jesus.

1359
01:13:45.380 --> 01:13:47.420
Press zero for the Trinity.

1360
01:13:47.420 --> 01:13:49.100
I stinking love that answer.

1361
01:13:49.100 --> 01:13:51.580
Oh my gosh, that might be the best answer.

1362
01:13:51.580 --> 01:13:53.100
Girl, see if I was still dating,

1363
01:13:53.100 --> 01:13:54.180
I would totally steal that.

1364
01:13:54.180 --> 01:13:55.900
That was a really good answer.

1365
01:13:58.340 --> 01:13:59.180
Okay.

1366
01:14:00.860 --> 01:14:02.700
Oh, I finally got through all the questions.

1367
01:14:02.700 --> 01:14:05.660
Okay, you guys, it's 8.15 or 9.15 or 7.15,

1368
01:14:05.660 --> 01:14:07.260
depending on where you are.

1369
01:14:07.260 --> 01:14:11.380
I don't wanna keep us hanging on if you got things to do.

1370
01:14:11.380 --> 01:14:14.300
I just wanna make sure, last call on questions.

1371
01:14:14.300 --> 01:14:18.220
I hope, give me a thumbs up if you feel like I have,

1372
01:14:18.220 --> 01:14:20.820
have I put a little hope?

1373
01:14:21.620 --> 01:14:22.540
That's it.

1374
01:14:22.540 --> 01:14:25.180
How much hope did I say you guys needed tonight?

1375
01:14:25.180 --> 01:14:27.180
How much hope did I say you needed?

1376
01:14:27.180 --> 01:14:29.860
This much, this much hope, okay?

1377
01:14:29.860 --> 01:14:32.380
And so, that's what you can do is an activation.

1378
01:14:32.380 --> 01:14:33.740
Okay, that's what I'm gonna want you,

1379
01:14:33.740 --> 01:14:34.660
this is your activation.

1380
01:14:34.660 --> 01:14:36.540
For those who are still on the camera,

1381
01:14:36.540 --> 01:14:39.700
you're gonna go in either the app or the Facebook page,

1382
01:14:39.700 --> 01:14:41.260
wherever y'all comment,

1383
01:14:41.260 --> 01:14:44.620
and you're gonna find something in your house

1384
01:14:44.620 --> 01:14:46.940
that gives you, that's a symbol of hope,

1385
01:14:46.940 --> 01:14:49.180
and you're gonna take a photo,

1386
01:14:49.180 --> 01:14:50.220
and you're gonna do this,

1387
01:14:50.620 --> 01:14:53.020
and you're gonna say, I got this much hope,

1388
01:14:53.020 --> 01:14:55.380
and we're gonna all cheer you on,

1389
01:14:55.380 --> 01:14:57.900
because my little hope and your little hope,

1390
01:14:57.900 --> 01:14:59.220
this little hope of mine,

1391
01:14:59.220 --> 01:15:00.060
we're gonna all.

1392
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:06.240
pull our hope together. And I also want you to go look up on a picture what a mustard seed looks

1393
01:15:06.240 --> 01:15:11.680
like when it's full grown so you kind of get that image of that's the amount of hope that you need

1394
01:15:11.680 --> 01:15:16.720
just that little bit of hope. Y'all so much fun to be with. Oh gosh Susan do you have a question?

1395
01:15:19.280 --> 01:15:23.920
Yes I just thought of this. I've been pondering how to ask this question. Okay

1396
01:15:23.920 --> 01:15:35.760
um I'm I'm going to be going on a date in the next couple weeks um with a guy that

1397
01:15:35.760 --> 01:15:44.560
I knew from elementary school. Love. Who's reached out to me and um

1398
01:15:46.320 --> 01:15:52.400
and I'm already I have been so disappointed for so many years of going on dates

1399
01:15:53.360 --> 01:16:00.320
um I'm I'm I'm hesitant because I just don't want to be disappointed. Um

1400
01:16:02.160 --> 01:16:07.920
so Susan what would disappoint you? What would make it a disappointing time?

1401
01:16:10.800 --> 01:16:20.160
Um what would make it disappointing is um I mean okay. Would it be a disappointment

1402
01:16:20.320 --> 01:16:26.320
if you don't feel like there's a love match? Well you know yeah I mean that it's like you know he's

1403
01:16:26.320 --> 01:16:31.280
got all that he's he's like a great guy but it's like but you know physically I'm not attracted to

1404
01:16:31.280 --> 01:16:37.840
him at all or it's you know it's like great. So if you're already saying Susan that you're

1405
01:16:37.840 --> 01:16:44.240
physically not attracted to him your chances are pretty high that you're going to be disappointed.

1406
01:16:44.240 --> 01:16:51.200
So what I encourage you to do is go like okay Lord he's asked me out and I'm not sure if this

1407
01:16:51.200 --> 01:16:57.680
is going to be a love match so let the conversation unfold so that we can be a blessing to one another.

1408
01:16:58.560 --> 01:17:07.200
In some way let me walk away from this lunch or date feeling blessed and let me be a blessing.

1409
01:17:07.840 --> 01:17:12.960
Father God that's my only goal is that I can be a blessing and that he can bless me.

1410
01:17:13.920 --> 01:17:21.360
And if anything else is supposed to happen from this I'm going to call it a win. And if

1411
01:17:21.360 --> 01:17:27.200
nothing else happens from it and we both walk away blessed I'm going to still praise you and call it a win.

1412
01:17:30.720 --> 01:17:38.720
Could you try? Yeah. Because I get it like if we because if we walk into a date going like oh my

1413
01:17:38.800 --> 01:17:41.440
gosh I'm already not attracted to him or her.

1414
01:17:45.200 --> 01:17:54.160
Like I don't know like that would be a lot for him to climb that mountain in one date. So we don't

1415
01:17:54.160 --> 01:17:58.640
want him to climb that big of a mountain. The only mountain we want him to here's what we want. We

1416
01:17:58.640 --> 01:18:04.640
want you to enjoy your time. We want you to enjoy the conversation. Like oh my gosh you guys if I

1417
01:18:04.640 --> 01:18:10.240
ran into there were some guys I would love how many of you would love to run into some people

1418
01:18:10.240 --> 01:18:16.480
from elementary school? I would love to just like love to catch up with some people from elementary

1419
01:18:16.480 --> 01:18:20.880
school. Like you thought their life was going to go in a certain direction and you might be so

1420
01:18:20.880 --> 01:18:26.400
shocked to be like oh my gosh that happened to you? Like I never saw that coming. Like I want

1421
01:18:26.400 --> 01:18:32.640
you to walk into that Susan as like a grand adventure because maybe he's not your person

1422
01:18:32.640 --> 01:18:40.240
but maybe he knows your person or maybe he's related to your person. But just think about the

1423
01:18:40.240 --> 01:18:45.920
funny stories y'all can commit commiserate about or catch up on. Like that's what I'm saying you

1424
01:18:45.920 --> 01:18:51.440
guys like kind of change your perspective when you go on these dates going what new amazing cool

1425
01:18:51.440 --> 01:18:58.240
funny story might I learn today? What one new character trait in somebody I might realize I

1426
01:18:58.240 --> 01:19:06.720
really want in a person? And how can I how can I show up and have fun? I've had some great

1427
01:19:06.720 --> 01:19:13.280
encounters with people who were not my person. Oh crap I'm down to two percent. You guys I got

1428
01:19:13.280 --> 01:19:17.600
to get a plug fast. Hold on hold on people hold on.

1429
01:19:17.840 --> 01:19:24.960
If I lose you I'm going to come back on. But we're going to get to a plug really fast.

1430
01:19:28.480 --> 01:19:32.160
So sorry should have charged up two minutes.

1431
01:19:35.120 --> 01:19:40.960
Okay all right we are safe. Okay but now I got to move so I'm not glaring by the sun.

1432
01:19:41.200 --> 01:19:48.800
We are safe. Okay but now I got to move so I'm not glaring by the sun. Okay there we go. Okay

1433
01:19:48.800 --> 01:19:52.800
so I hope that all right Kim since I since I called you out Kim I'm letting you I'm going to

1434
01:19:52.800 --> 01:19:59.840
let you take the floor. Thank you. So yes I do have a great job and

1435
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:05.840
love it, but does not pay the bills in the DMV area.

1436
01:20:05.840 --> 01:20:09.960
I also support my son, who's going to college.

1437
01:20:09.960 --> 01:20:12.040
So one income is not enough.

1438
01:20:12.040 --> 01:20:15.720
So I've been delivering Uber Eats as a driver,

1439
01:20:15.720 --> 01:20:17.720
and I absolutely love it.

1440
01:20:17.720 --> 01:20:20.480
But when I talk to guys, I don't know.

1441
01:20:20.480 --> 01:20:26.000
It seems as if they get a little scared of it.

1442
01:20:26.000 --> 01:20:29.640
Well, because they hear what they might be worried about.

1443
01:20:29.640 --> 01:20:32.680
They might be worried if someone has a second job,

1444
01:20:32.680 --> 01:20:35.000
they might have this misperception

1445
01:20:35.000 --> 01:20:36.680
that you have a lot of debt, and they

1446
01:20:36.680 --> 01:20:38.280
might be afraid of the debt.

1447
01:20:38.280 --> 01:20:41.680
So I would say, just don't tell them.

1448
01:20:41.680 --> 01:20:43.880
Just don't tell them.

1449
01:20:43.880 --> 01:20:45.800
Or you know what?

1450
01:20:45.800 --> 01:20:47.960
I mean, you could just say, you know what, right now,

1451
01:20:47.960 --> 01:20:50.840
I'm in a season of life where I have some free time,

1452
01:20:50.840 --> 01:20:53.560
and I love meeting strangers.

1453
01:20:53.560 --> 01:20:58.520
And I figure, why not get some spending money

1454
01:20:58.600 --> 01:21:02.240
for my manicures, or my massage, or something like that?

1455
01:21:02.240 --> 01:21:04.880
Or I'm using it for my fun trips.

1456
01:21:04.880 --> 01:21:06.160
Like, you know what I'm saying?

1457
01:21:06.160 --> 01:21:09.400
Say something fun about it.

1458
01:21:09.400 --> 01:21:12.600
And again, I go back to how you deliver it.

1459
01:21:12.600 --> 01:21:13.920
Like, oh my god.

1460
01:21:13.920 --> 01:21:16.120
If you say, oh, I'm also doing Uber Eats,

1461
01:21:16.120 --> 01:21:17.960
because it's so expensive in this town,

1462
01:21:17.960 --> 01:21:21.120
somebody might just think, debt, debt, debt, debt, right?

1463
01:21:21.120 --> 01:21:23.680
And they don't want to incur your debt.

1464
01:21:23.680 --> 01:21:25.680
But if you say something like, you know what?

1465
01:21:25.680 --> 01:21:28.160
I'm in a season where I have extra time.

1466
01:21:28.320 --> 01:21:31.240
So why not do something where I can meet people,

1467
01:21:31.240 --> 01:21:33.920
have a little spending money so I can go travel

1468
01:21:33.920 --> 01:21:36.600
until, you know, my situation is different?

1469
01:21:36.600 --> 01:21:39.040
Obviously, if I was dating the right person,

1470
01:21:39.040 --> 01:21:41.040
and I didn't have time,

1471
01:21:41.040 --> 01:21:43.560
it would be something I would pull back from.

1472
01:21:43.560 --> 01:21:44.400
Right.

1473
01:21:44.400 --> 01:21:46.360
I wouldn't have had a spin.

1474
01:21:46.360 --> 01:21:50.520
I mean, I am in debt, but I'm making a resolution to it.

1475
01:21:50.520 --> 01:21:51.800
Well, right, but again,

1476
01:21:51.800 --> 01:21:54.680
when you're on those first few dates with somebody,

1477
01:21:54.680 --> 01:21:57.400
you don't need to tell them that.

1478
01:21:57.400 --> 01:21:59.720
And again, when we go back to,

1479
01:22:00.840 --> 01:22:04.440
well, y'all, I'm about to buy a new car or a used car.

1480
01:22:04.440 --> 01:22:07.040
At some point, I'm pretty sure the darn check I'm gonna get

1481
01:22:07.040 --> 01:22:09.240
is not gonna be how much money I need.

1482
01:22:09.240 --> 01:22:11.240
So I will be incurring some debt.

1483
01:22:11.240 --> 01:22:13.680
And I have student loan debt right now.

1484
01:22:13.680 --> 01:22:15.320
So we all have seasons of debt,

1485
01:22:15.320 --> 01:22:16.680
but as long as we have a plan,

1486
01:22:16.680 --> 01:22:19.160
remember Jackie always talks about having a plan,

1487
01:22:19.160 --> 01:22:22.000
but nobody should be knowing about your financial situation

1488
01:22:22.000 --> 01:22:23.960
in your first four days.

1489
01:22:23.960 --> 01:22:25.520
I don't even think anybody should know

1490
01:22:25.520 --> 01:22:28.560
about your financial situation until you're exclusive,

1491
01:22:28.560 --> 01:22:30.000
exclusively dating.

1492
01:22:30.000 --> 01:22:32.960
Nobody that you're only kind of dating

1493
01:22:32.960 --> 01:22:35.360
should know about your financial situation.

1494
01:22:35.360 --> 01:22:38.400
So I don't think we should be disclosing any information

1495
01:22:38.400 --> 01:22:41.600
that lets them know that you're having trouble financially

1496
01:22:41.600 --> 01:22:43.600
and or that you need help and or whatever.

1497
01:22:43.600 --> 01:22:44.440
Do you know what I'm saying?

1498
01:22:44.440 --> 01:22:45.280
Like that's-

1499
01:22:45.280 --> 01:22:47.360
Yeah, thank you, that helps.

1500
01:22:47.360 --> 01:22:48.440
Yeah.

1501
01:22:48.440 --> 01:22:50.400
Like you don't owe it to them.

1502
01:22:51.480 --> 01:22:52.680
Yeah.

1503
01:22:52.680 --> 01:22:55.560
And I would say, like, trust me,

1504
01:22:55.560 --> 01:22:58.400
I wanted to do it for a while too,

1505
01:22:58.400 --> 01:22:59.640
because I was like, oh my gosh,

1506
01:22:59.640 --> 01:23:01.440
and I know so many people who are like,

1507
01:23:01.440 --> 01:23:03.240
you know what, I've got four hours to kill.

1508
01:23:03.240 --> 01:23:05.240
I'm gonna go make a hundred bucks.

1509
01:23:05.240 --> 01:23:08.240
And so I'd say if you like to drive around,

1510
01:23:08.240 --> 01:23:11.120
I mean, clearly I get into too many car accidents.

1511
01:23:11.120 --> 01:23:14.440
So I'm not the person that should be looking for keeps.

1512
01:23:14.440 --> 01:23:16.000
No, I mean, I love it.

1513
01:23:16.000 --> 01:23:16.840
That's just-

1514
01:23:16.840 --> 01:23:19.040
I made this year, but,

1515
01:23:20.040 --> 01:23:23.600
but, you know, girl, don't let it just,

1516
01:23:23.600 --> 01:23:25.600
I would say just don't, don't wear it.

1517
01:23:25.600 --> 01:23:28.520
Don't wear any, don't cloak it in shame.

1518
01:23:28.520 --> 01:23:30.720
Right, right.

1519
01:23:30.720 --> 01:23:35.720
And because maybe you are subtly,

1520
01:23:35.880 --> 01:23:38.600
and that's actually what they're reacting to.

1521
01:23:38.600 --> 01:23:39.600
And they may not even know

1522
01:23:39.600 --> 01:23:41.600
that that's what they're reacting to.

1523
01:23:41.600 --> 01:23:46.600
I think when we cloak anxiety, fear, shame, guilt,

1524
01:23:46.960 --> 01:23:48.840
I feel like that's what sometimes people

1525
01:23:48.840 --> 01:23:52.600
are more not attracted to.

1526
01:23:52.600 --> 01:23:54.400
And it's happening below the surface

1527
01:23:54.400 --> 01:23:58.560
than the actual thing that we need, which is normal.

1528
01:23:58.560 --> 01:24:00.760
So I hope I'm encouraging you.

1529
01:24:00.760 --> 01:24:02.240
Yes, you definitely are.

1530
01:24:02.240 --> 01:24:03.560
So is everyone in the chat?

1531
01:24:03.560 --> 01:24:04.840
Thank you.

1532
01:24:04.840 --> 01:24:05.680
Yes.

1533
01:24:05.680 --> 01:24:06.520
Okay, great.

1534
01:24:07.520 --> 01:24:09.720
It just says iPhone, so I can't see who it is

1535
01:24:09.720 --> 01:24:11.440
because you're in the dark.

1536
01:24:11.440 --> 01:24:12.440
So where'd you go?

1537
01:24:12.440 --> 01:24:13.280
Where'd you go?

1538
01:24:14.440 --> 01:24:15.280
There you are, girl.

1539
01:24:15.280 --> 01:24:16.120
What you got?

1540
01:24:17.600 --> 01:24:19.120
Okay, maybe don't have a question.

1541
01:24:19.120 --> 01:24:20.080
Okay.

1542
01:24:20.080 --> 01:24:20.920
All right, you guys.

1543
01:24:20.920 --> 01:24:21.800
All right.

1544
01:24:21.800 --> 01:24:23.880
Renee, are you talking to me?

1545
01:24:23.880 --> 01:24:24.720
I was.

1546
01:24:24.720 --> 01:24:26.600
I thought you were here.

1547
01:24:26.600 --> 01:24:27.600
I put it down.

1548
01:24:27.600 --> 01:24:28.600
I'm sorry.

1549
01:24:28.600 --> 01:24:29.680
Here's my thing.

1550
01:24:29.680 --> 01:24:31.720
And it's kind of off of everybody's.

1551
01:24:32.680 --> 01:24:34.680
I haven't dated in probably a year or so.

1552
01:24:35.560 --> 01:24:37.280
I've gone through the hard work so many times.

1553
01:24:37.280 --> 01:24:38.120
I don't even,

1554
01:24:39.840 --> 01:24:44.000
I had, all of my relationships were not very good at all.

1555
01:24:44.000 --> 01:24:45.120
None of them.

1556
01:24:45.640 --> 01:24:50.640
So to even put my foot in, toe in the water is just,

1557
01:24:51.240 --> 01:24:52.080
I don't even know.

1558
01:24:52.080 --> 01:24:53.160
I don't even know where to start.

1559
01:24:53.160 --> 01:24:57.360
I'm in a 2,000 person town.

1560
01:24:57.360 --> 01:24:58.200
There's not anybody,

1561
01:24:58.200 --> 01:25:00.360
and there's nothing for at least an hour.

1562
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:10.520
or two. Sorry, you don't have good relationships as in girlfriends. I have maybe three good

1563
01:25:10.520 --> 01:25:19.160
friends that are in different, there's one here in town, one in Indiana and one in Texas

1564
01:25:19.160 --> 01:25:25.360
maybe. That's about it. I don't have a, yeah, I don't have a whole lot of common thread

1565
01:25:25.360 --> 01:25:31.080
in the relationships that are not good that are in your life besides you. Have you seen

1566
01:25:31.080 --> 01:25:40.200
any other common thread like pattern of their style, the things that are happening? Yeah,

1567
01:25:40.200 --> 01:25:46.240
I've been trying to watch the attachment style and learn from some of that stuff. Here's

1568
01:25:46.240 --> 01:25:51.160
what I'm going to encourage you. So here's where I'm going to encourage you is if we

1569
01:25:51.160 --> 01:25:57.880
notice, like if we said, if somebody said to me, or if I said to somebody, every relationship

1570
01:25:57.880 --> 01:26:04.960
I have is unhealthy. The people I work with, my family, my friend. I meant like, like every

1571
01:26:04.960 --> 01:26:11.280
relationship I had been in, like dating. So in every dating situation has not been. So

1572
01:26:11.280 --> 01:26:18.720
you have, so other relationships are good and healthy. For the most part. Okay. Yes.

1573
01:26:19.120 --> 01:26:25.840
So here's what I encourage you to do is start to take inventory of the relationships that are good.

1574
01:26:25.840 --> 01:26:32.800
What makes them good? What is common about their personality, about the things that they say,

1575
01:26:32.800 --> 01:26:37.960
the things that they believe, the things that they do? Where are their commonalities about

1576
01:26:37.960 --> 01:26:44.880
those kinds of people? And what is common about how you're interacting with them? What is common

1577
01:26:44.880 --> 01:26:50.160
about the parts of you that are able to come out safely with them? So you want to like,

1578
01:26:50.160 --> 01:26:55.920
look at them. You want to look at the authentic. You want to look at what does authentic,

1579
01:26:55.920 --> 01:27:02.520
healthy relationship look like in my life? When am I going at full throttle and when are they

1580
01:27:02.520 --> 01:27:06.800
going at full throttle? What do they look like? How do they sound? How do they behave with me?

1581
01:27:06.800 --> 01:27:12.080
Are we texting? Are we talking? Are we going out? Like what are the common patterns? Okay.

1582
01:27:12.080 --> 01:27:18.080
And then I want to go look at my unhealthy relationships. Now let's also look at those

1583
01:27:18.080 --> 01:27:24.320
common patterns. What is common about them? Do they look the same, say the same things,

1584
01:27:24.320 --> 01:27:29.960
have the same belief systems, have the same kind of jobs? Do they make the same kind of money? How

1585
01:27:29.960 --> 01:27:37.000
am I showing up in those dates? Am I showing up moodier, more quiet, more needy? So start to notice

1586
01:27:37.000 --> 01:27:42.880
the patterns in your unhealth, and this is for all of us, the unhealthy relationships and the

1587
01:27:42.880 --> 01:27:48.600
healthy relationships. Am I showing up differently? And if I am, why am I showing up differently?

1588
01:27:48.600 --> 01:27:54.360
What is it about them that's pulling out the best of me? And what's about them that's pulling out

1589
01:27:54.360 --> 01:28:00.680
the worst in me and kind of vice versa. And so you want to start to look, I'm a data girl. So

1590
01:28:00.680 --> 01:28:06.400
you want to start to look at the patterns and that will start to teach you just a little bit about it.

1591
01:28:06.720 --> 01:28:13.280
Now it might be, well, you know what? They all have this. And so it might be, am I attracting

1592
01:28:13.280 --> 01:28:21.000
unhealthy men? Am I picking men that are not going to be able to be healthy with me? Therefore,

1593
01:28:21.000 --> 01:28:25.720
if they're unhealthy, then they're going to pull out all my unhealthy stuff. So I don't care how

1594
01:28:25.720 --> 01:28:32.800
healthy and secure attachment we are. If a secure attachment person sucks into somebody, I don't

1595
01:28:32.800 --> 01:28:38.080
care if they're avoidant, if they're anxious. If we match up with an unhealthy person, I would say

1596
01:28:38.080 --> 01:28:45.600
this, I used to use this imagery for teenagers. And I always used to say, if you have your unhealthy

1597
01:28:45.600 --> 01:28:51.160
friends and your healthy friends, picture the unhealthy friends standing up on the chair.

1598
01:28:51.160 --> 01:29:01.480
It is much harder to pull the, so if my, I'm sorry, healthy person's up on the chair. I'm

1599
01:29:01.800 --> 01:29:05.600
the healthy person, I'm up on the chair. My unhealthy people are down there. It is much

1600
01:29:05.600 --> 01:29:13.000
easier for them to yank me off of health onto the ground with them. So that's why if you have,

1601
01:29:13.000 --> 01:29:18.240
if you are in a population of too many unhealthy people, it's going to be easier for them to yank

1602
01:29:18.240 --> 01:29:23.200
you off of your healthy choices and you become unhealthy with them. So I used to say that about

1603
01:29:23.200 --> 01:29:27.640
sex and about drinkings, that kind of thing. So if you are surrounding yourself when you're

1604
01:29:27.640 --> 01:29:32.960
dating with men and that those early dating, so I don't know where what's happened in your

1605
01:29:32.960 --> 01:29:38.680
dating and that may be some work coaching for them to be able to pick up, like what were they

1606
01:29:38.680 --> 01:29:45.400
like in those early dating situations? And were you ignoring red flags that you could have caught

1607
01:29:45.400 --> 01:29:54.280
really early on to find out what was common about them so you would notice it faster? Because it's

1608
01:29:54.280 --> 01:29:59.920
not always just looking for a different attachment. Like you guys, I'm secure, but I lean anxious.

1609
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:02.640
And so, that's where I can naturally go back to.

1610
01:30:02.640 --> 01:30:09.000
So if I get with avoidant people and also fellow anxious people, I can start to become

1611
01:30:09.000 --> 01:30:10.000
anxious again.

1612
01:30:10.000 --> 01:30:15.540
I can go right back into anxious, like if I've not had enough sleep, if I've not had

1613
01:30:15.540 --> 01:30:22.420
enough rest, if I've not had a good meal, if I'm tired, I can easily fall back into

1614
01:30:22.420 --> 01:30:25.180
my old attachment cells, my own behaviors.

1615
01:30:25.180 --> 01:30:29.060
And so, I need to surround myself with health.

1616
01:30:29.060 --> 01:30:32.740
And the more I surround myself with health and the more I stay healthy.

1617
01:30:32.740 --> 01:30:35.860
So that would be the thing I would encourage you to do is look at the patterns and the

1618
01:30:35.860 --> 01:30:40.260
commonalities between the healthy people in your life and the unhealthy people in your

1619
01:30:40.260 --> 01:30:41.260
life.

1620
01:30:41.260 --> 01:30:43.060
And that may start to give you a window.

1621
01:30:43.060 --> 01:30:44.180
It also might be helpful.

1622
01:30:44.180 --> 01:30:49.740
This is where I feel like sometimes like some of your specific needs, you guys are so specific.

1623
01:30:49.740 --> 01:30:53.420
That's where if you pick, there's like a team of like eight to 10 of us for you to choose

1624
01:30:53.420 --> 01:30:57.900
from to do a couple of one-on-one sessions with, and it might help you like drill down

1625
01:30:57.900 --> 01:31:02.820
further than we can do in obviously such a large group setting.

1626
01:31:02.820 --> 01:31:05.780
But thank you for asking that because you're not alone in that.

1627
01:31:05.780 --> 01:31:12.900
So I appreciate you speaking up and saying that because somebody else needed you to be

1628
01:31:12.900 --> 01:31:15.820
brave tonight and say that.

1629
01:31:15.820 --> 01:31:18.820
Thank you.

1630
01:31:18.820 --> 01:31:21.540
Okay.

1631
01:31:21.540 --> 01:31:22.900
I think I got to everything.

1632
01:31:23.380 --> 01:31:24.380
All right.

1633
01:31:24.380 --> 01:31:25.380
I love it.

1634
01:31:25.380 --> 01:31:28.660
Hey, Brandon, just because you're right here on the center of my screen, you're moving

1635
01:31:28.660 --> 01:31:29.860
around all night.

1636
01:31:29.860 --> 01:31:30.860
Can you close us out?

1637
01:31:30.860 --> 01:31:35.660
I always love when the men are here, I always love having the men close us and cover us

1638
01:31:35.660 --> 01:31:36.660
in prayer.

1639
01:31:36.660 --> 01:31:39.420
Would you be willing to close and covering us in prayer tonight?

1640
01:31:39.420 --> 01:31:40.420
Sure.

1641
01:31:40.420 --> 01:31:47.060
I can do that.

1642
01:31:47.060 --> 01:31:55.460
Thank you Heavenly Father for good advice, mutual support, and some hope when we're starting

1643
01:31:55.460 --> 01:31:56.460
to run out.

1644
01:31:56.460 --> 01:32:01.500
Heavenly Father, thank you for your encouragement.

1645
01:32:01.500 --> 01:32:11.940
Thank you for your inexpressible and glorious joy, as 1 Peter says, in the face of difficult

1646
01:32:11.940 --> 01:32:13.580
times.

1647
01:32:13.580 --> 01:32:18.500
Thank you for your hope, secure as an anchor.

1648
01:32:18.500 --> 01:32:24.180
Thank you for your peace that surpasses all understanding and for your gladness when grain

1649
01:32:24.180 --> 01:32:25.860
and new wine abound.

1650
01:32:25.860 --> 01:32:34.100
Heavenly Father, I pray that you will give us perseverance for this rewarding but challenging

1651
01:32:34.100 --> 01:32:37.700
and tedious pursuit that we're in here.

1652
01:32:37.700 --> 01:32:47.180
Lord, I pray that you'll just encourage us that what's ours will not miss us, Lord, that

1653
01:32:47.180 --> 01:32:52.780
whatever mistakes we make, whatever missteps we take, you're still running this show.

1654
01:32:52.780 --> 01:32:58.740
You're still driving this flying umbrella and enjoying it a great deal more than we

1655
01:32:58.740 --> 01:32:59.740
are.

1656
01:32:59.740 --> 01:33:03.180
I might add, Lord, but that's because you know the ending.

1657
01:33:04.180 --> 01:33:08.220
Heavenly Father, just encourage our hearts.

1658
01:33:08.220 --> 01:33:15.180
If we will accept it, Lord, there is so much hope and joy to be had just in listening to

1659
01:33:15.180 --> 01:33:19.900
you and just being close to you.

1660
01:33:19.900 --> 01:33:27.900
And I mean hardcore joy, Lord, just our hearts full as if anything could happen.

1661
01:33:27.900 --> 01:33:29.140
It really is available, Lord.

1662
01:33:29.140 --> 01:33:32.100
Your word does not return void, doesn't fail.

1663
01:33:32.100 --> 01:33:33.980
Your promises don't fail.

1664
01:33:33.980 --> 01:33:34.980
You don't fail.

1665
01:33:34.980 --> 01:33:43.060
So I pray that you will teach us to just be quiet with you, draw from you, and then we

1666
01:33:43.060 --> 01:33:46.140
have something to offer those around us.

1667
01:33:46.140 --> 01:33:52.780
And we have your joy as a shield against disappointment.

1668
01:33:52.780 --> 01:33:54.340
We need you very much for this, Lord.

1669
01:33:54.340 --> 01:33:57.340
We can't do this without you, and we thank you that you're with us.

1670
01:33:57.580 --> 01:33:59.580
We pray this in Jesus' name, amen.

1671
01:33:59.580 --> 01:34:00.580
Amen.

1672
01:34:00.580 --> 01:34:01.580
Amen.

1673
01:34:01.580 --> 01:34:05.660
All right, you guys, I'm going to be looking forward to seeing your little pictures, and

1674
01:34:05.660 --> 01:34:07.700
I'm praying for you, and we'll talk soon.