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Arden, is that good with you?

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You're good to go.

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Awesome.

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Alrighty, y'all.

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Welcome to our session tonight.

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Why am I obsessed with somebody I barely know?

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Breaking the limerence loop.

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This came as a result, actually,

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of something that was on one of our Monday prayer calls.

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My name is Elizabeth.

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I'm one of our coaches here.

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I also lead the Monday prayer call,

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and I realized I'm not the only one

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that has dealt with this.

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There's actually a lot of people,

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and so we thought it would be something

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that our community would wanna hear.

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So we're gonna go about an hour and a half tonight.

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I wanna hopefully leave some time

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for questions and answers in the end.

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We are gonna have a couple of breakouts.

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So I'm really excited.

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I'm gonna just kick us off in prayer tonight,

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and then we're gonna dive right in.

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So Father, we thank you.

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We thank you for your freedom.

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We thank you for your kindness, your goodness,

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that you offer life and life more abundantly.

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And so, Lord, we just set aside this time,

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and we ask you to come be present in the midst.

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Lord, we thank you that you lead us

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into life and life abundantly.

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And so with that comes removal of shame.

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It comes renewing of our mind.

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It comes just a different way to live.

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And so we just surrender tonight to that.

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I ask you, Holy Spirit, that you would speak to hearts,

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that you would supernaturally deliver, save,

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heal, make whole, God,

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and that we would walk into a new place of freedom.

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And so we just bless everybody on this call

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and everyone that will watch and replay.

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And Lord, thank you for this time in Jesus' name.

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All right, so I'm gonna talk about something

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that is, I wanna say near and dear to my heart,

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but basically, I'll tell you my story in a little bit,

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but I walked around for years not realizing this is a thing.

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And I think there's a lot of people

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that this is a thing for.

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So this is Pepe Le Pew.

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I feel like this is a great example of what limerence is.

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So if you don't know what limerence is,

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we're gonna break it down tonight.

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I'm gonna give you practicals.

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And by the end of this,

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you're gonna have a name for the pattern

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and tools to stop and interrupt it.

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And in Jesus' name, walk a different way

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because that's what repentance is, right?

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Like we change our minds and we go a different way.

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So what is limerence?

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We have a word for it.

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And it's something I did not realize

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until I was in my thirties,

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didn't know this was a term.

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I actually learned this because I was sitting in premarital,

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it wasn't even premarital counseling,

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but it was counseling with my fiance.

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And the therapist was saying it to him

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and I went, what is this term?

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And then didn't realize,

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oh, I dealt with it my whole life too.

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So this is an involuntary state

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of obsessive relational longing

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focused on one specific person, a limerent object.

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We're gonna dive into this.

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But the term was coined in 1979

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in a book called Love and Limerence.

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It's pretty thick.

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You can skip it.

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We'll give you the meat here.

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But a psychologist named Dorothy Tenoroff,

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is the person who coined the term.

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And she had interviewed hundreds of people

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who described the same experience over and over.

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There was no name for it.

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And so she needed a word

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because what they were describing is not infatuation.

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It's not love.

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It's not a disorder.

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It's actually an involuntary state.

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It starts out involuntary

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and then we get to choose what we do with it.

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And it's obsessive relational longing.

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So nobody decides to enter this.

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The thoughts first arrive on their own,

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often after very little actual contact.

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It is kind of obsessive.

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So it's not like, oh, I think about this person a lot.

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Nope, these are intrusive thoughts.

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They're arriving uninvited.

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It may arrive during work, during prayer at 3 a.m.

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And even after resisting being sat down,

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they may kind of persist.

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There's a longing aspect to it.

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So there's usually some type of ache for reciprocation.

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We're gonna talk about this more in a minute.

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Like who is this for?

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To want to be wanted back.

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So there's like, especially,

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limerence can't really exist

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if you're actually in a healthy authentic connection

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is the point here.

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It usually is existing where there's longing.

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You wanna be chosen

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and it doesn't even have to be like sexual.

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It's not even primarily about sex

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and it's not even necessarily about companionship.

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Limerence is also for one specific person.

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It kind of fixates, it concentrates

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so other people can kind of fade in the background.

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This is why I think that it's so healthy.

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If you haven't gone and listened to Renee's teaching

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last week on online dating,

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or if you're in phase two, you're kind of seeing this a lot

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but this is why continuing to date multiple people

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until you are in an established relationship

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is really helpful.

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It's one of the guards against limerence

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because limerence will kind of hone in,

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like focus in on one specific person

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and it can survive the absence of a relationship.

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So if you're just in a level one

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or a level maybe early level two,

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and you're not really like connected to one person,

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then you're at more risk for limerence.

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Okay, so how limerence shows up.

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So we're talking, what is it?

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Here's how it shows up.

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It starts with a thought.

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It's the intrusive thoughts you didn't choose.

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Often it can be replaying one interaction and I.

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I don't know if I can see a show of hands, but y'all are welcome to put in the comments,

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like if you're like, yes, this is me, I totally deal with this. You also don't have to disclose.

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I want to say that at the beginning, you do not have to self-disclose during this time. So take

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it. This will be available in replay. You don't have to like, you know, write all this down, but

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you may replay one interaction 15 times looking for what it meant. Y'all, I did this recently.

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I will, I'll tell you my story in a minute, but I will say, even now I still have to catch myself

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with limerent because of behaviors, it can become patterns. And so I still have to catch it. I'm

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like, oh my gosh, I was just like a guy side hugged me at an event a few weeks ago. And I was

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like, what did it mean? And I was replaying it and I was like, Elizabeth, no stop. This is, this is

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the hug meant nothing. So it starts with a thought. We may have extended fantasies,

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conversations, whole futures. If you've planned a wedding with somebody before in your brain,

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you're not alone. You may have built your whole life. You had your kids named. You're not alone,

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but we're going to stop those patterns. So the thoughts then feed the feelings.

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So this idealization, idealization, you, it strengthens, it becomes more vivid.

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The worst part about it is that you maximize the great parts about them and you minimize

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the flaws about them. So the flaws fade into the background and all of like the, the man that you

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saw in, I'm going to say Costco, cause Jackie just ran into somebody in Costco, but the man that I

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saw in Costco, oh my gosh, he was just so much more handsome in my imagination than he was in

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real life. Or, you know, that, that man that I, and this goes for both genders. This is something

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to like, this is not exclusive to men or exclusive to women. Both genders have this, but we idealize

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somebody in our brain. We kind of romanticize it, make a Disney version in our brain of what this

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person is. The moods may rise and crash on cues. So you're really, really high, or you're really,

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really low, and you may have a strong pull towards reciprocation. Then what happens is

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your behavior. You're scanning for signs. You may be checking, rereading, monitoring social media.

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Y'all like you feel like impulse compulsively checking to see like, did they see, did they see

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my story? Did they like my story? And then you have difficulty letting go even when reality

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contradicts hope. So what limerence is not, it is not love. Love is built on knowing someone over

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time. Limerence can run at full intensity with almost no information. It's not lust.

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Lust where attraction is often present with limerence. You can have it combined with lust

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because lust is definitely spirit, but it's not, it's not, it's different from lust. It's also not

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a character flaw. This is a pattern of thought and attachment and where it becomes a problem

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is not in the initial stages. It's when we feed it, right? It's not stalking or harassment.

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Don't do that. And this is also not a clinical diagnosis. You're not going to go find this in

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the books that the therapist reads. So today we're recognizing a pattern. You're not labeling

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yourself. You're not labeling a bunch of people. Don't be like, girl, you're limerent. So nobody's

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simply a limerent person or not. This is a study we're going to reference multiple times because

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it just came out in July. So we're not pulling from the 1979 researcher people. This is like

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actively being researched. So this is from July and they kind of did, they studied groups and

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did a couple of different studies actually. And there's sort of a spectrum here. So there's people

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that have no limerent experience. They've never experienced the pattern at all. It's 9% of the

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population. Uh, non-impairing is 24% of the population. You've had a crush. You may fall

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in love, but you're not, it's not intense. It's not debilitating. Um, 32% of people that were

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previously impairing, like I would fall into this category. I no longer struggle with this,

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but this was a large pattern of my life. And then currently impacting is about 35. Like y'all

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over half of the population or over a third of the population, but you combine it over half the

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population has dealt with limerence. And I would say it might be even more in, um, in church circles.

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Um, what actually varies is how intrusive the thoughts are, how long it lasts, how much it

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costs you. And, and that can depend on, uh, uncertainty. Okay. So what the study this

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spring or the summer found is 18 is about the average age limerence first began. We'll talk

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about that a little bit more in a minute, but most of the time it shows up in your adolescence.

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Um, and the typical episode length for, so an episode is when you're basically fixated on one

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person that's called an episode. So the typical length is about two years. I've had it last as

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long as seven, eight years for one person, full disclosure. Um, and, um, I've had it as short as,

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you know, a few months you, and then 50% of the time on average is somebody's thought. This is

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what the data is showing that you're waking thoughts are given to the person, the limerent object.

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Okay, so a limerent object, we didn't define this at the beginning, but a limerent object is the

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term that they use in research for, like, if I'm the person who has limerence, the person that I

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am fixated on is what's called a limerent object. We're going to come back, or an LO. We're going

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to come back to why that's important in a little bit. So the data shows that the limerent object,

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and this is going to be really freeing, I think, for a lot of you, because you're like, oh my gosh,

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why do I have this friend, this co-worker, this colleague, this boyfriend that I used to have,

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this girlfriend that I used to have, my ex-wife, this random acquaintance, why are they stuck in

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the back of my head? Well, that's because there's some layer of proximity. And remember, the longing

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piece really plays into this. So what the data shows is 20% of the time that we have somebody

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we're fixating on, a limerent object, it's a friend. And then about 18% of the time, it's

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current or former romantic interest. 12% of the time, it's a co-worker or colleague. 12% of the

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time, it's acquaintance. So you guys see over half, I can't do math really well, most of the

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time, it's almost 80%, most of the time, it is someone that's in your close proximity, a friend,

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a co-worker, a former love interest, an acquaintance. It's not typically going to be a

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pastor or a priest or a teacher or a random stranger that I met in Costco, or, you know,

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somebody with celebrity status. I have had it for somebody with celebrity status, but again. Okay,

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so here's where I'm going to just tell you the real quick five-minute version of my story. This

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is super condensed. This is full disclosure, guys. So I would say I was a serial limerent.

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I found a timeline the other day of my, it was something from a therapist appointment

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several years ago. And I gave like timelines. My first crush was like at age three or five. Like

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I was praying, dear Jesus, please don't come back until I'm married and have babies when I was like

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three or four. So I was a serial, uh, limerent and I grew up, um, we're going to talk about it

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in a minute, but like I grew up watching the little mermaid and I grew up just, I had a crush

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on this kid, Corbin. I had a crush on, like, I found some prayers. This is ironic, but I found

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prayers from like when I was in high school, praying for this one dude who now is married

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and goes to my church. Like it's just crazy how things come full circle. And I had no idea that

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I was living in my fantasy world. And so what's would start as a little baby crush, which is

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normal. Cause again, these are not crushes. These are not actual love relationships. What started

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as a crush would then become limerence. And I didn't even know. So fast forward, I had multiple

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limerent people that I was like, they were my limerent objects. And then I met a man, um, in,

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while I was in church, uh, a church community that happened to be a really prophetic community. So

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some of you guys are going to relate to this part. Uh, I was a part of a church community that

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was very prophetic. And so this man, if you could put into a person, what I would have prayed for

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in a husband, it was this man. Now the sad part was his character did not back up any of that.

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I would later come to learn. I was subconsciously trying to heal dad wounds by being attracted to

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this man. Um, so if you're just joining and you're joining a little late, I, um, we're going

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to go back to the replay, but the word is limerence. Um, and somebody can put it in chat if that's okay.

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Um, and just kind of summarize what I'm saying, but if you're just joining and you're missing

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with our stuff at the beginning, go back and watch it. It's really good. Um, so I was attracted to

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this man, John. Um, but it wasn't just that I was attracted to him. It wasn't like we were friends

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at, we knew each other from church. I'd see him frequently because we were in the same

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neighborhood, but also there was this thing that happened with John where I would say something to

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the Lord, like this desire to own vineyards came up and I ended up owning a winery later and John

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would walk ahead and told anybody. And John walks in to a party or, you know, a dinner one night

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with church people and my best friend and her husband are there. And he, he walks up to my

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best friend's husband. He's like, you know, I'm going to own vineyards one day. And like my best

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friend's husband looks at his wife and like, they of course knew I had a big crush on this guy. And

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like, there was just things where you couldn't, like, I would say something or people would think

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that we were married. That happened all the time. Like people like we'd be traveling and people

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thought that we were married. So this goes on for years and I'm praying for him and I'm praying for

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him and praying for him. And, uh, that's a whole long story. There's things that I learned that

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were good, things that were bad. But again, a lot of this was, I was trying to heal dad wounds,

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didn't know it. Um, and so we ended up in, this is the beautiful part is the Lord gave me a chance

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to confront limerence head on. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time, but I got

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to have the opportunity to have a conversation with this man and tell him how I felt. And it was

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one of the bravest things I've ever done. And he was very honoring in the conversation. We'd been

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friends for years and, um, he didn't feel the same way. And I knew that going into it, but

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I knew I'm gonna stick a flag on this loop,

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in this loop that I keep doing to like,

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that I'm just pining after this man

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who literally cannot see me.

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Now, whether there were blinders on his eyes

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because the Lord allowed him to be there

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or because in the words of Jackie,

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this man is a void and is all get out, I don't know.

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Doesn't matter.

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I stick a flag in it and I'm like,

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yes, I told him how I felt and he didn't reciprocate

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and my heart is breaking, but like the Lord is good

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and it's gonna be good.

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He would think that my pining for him stopped.

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It did not.

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It persisted.

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I then get into an engagement, later, couple years later,

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and I thought I was in love.

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This man was great, blah, blah, blah.

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That's a whole other story.

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I learned the word limerence in counseling

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with my ex-fiance, now ex-fiance.

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He was my fiance at the time.

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And in the counseling session, the counselor says,

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have you guys ever heard the word limerence?

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It's kind of like Disney love.

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And she was saying it to my fiance

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because she was confronting in him

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that he had made me the limerent object

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and that he had this expectation of marriage and love

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that was very different than reality.

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And so fast forward, the engagement gets called off.

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That's a whole other story.

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And as I'm doing healing, the Lord begins,

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it's shortly after the broken engagement,

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I go into heartwork with Jackie.

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I joined the program in 2023.

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Even after I joined the program

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and while I'm going through heartwork,

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do you know who I'm thinking about?

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It wasn't my ex-fiance, it was John.

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And I'm like, maybe he's gonna come back.

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Maybe he'll do heartwork

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and he's gonna come back for me, y'all.

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No, I had to literally retrain my thoughts

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and I had a, I'll read it to you guys

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cause we're gonna talk about this a little later.

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In terms of some of the ways that we get through this loop,

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but it's still pinned to the top of my phone.

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I don't have to read it anymore,

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but this is about a month after joining heartwork.

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And I had to ground myself in some truth.

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So this was a note that I had pinned in my phone

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cause I would have to reference it like multiple times a day.

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My hope is in the Lord, not a man.

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I don't have to fear being vulnerable.

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The Lord covers me and he has good plans for me.

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God has a husband for me that he will bring.

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John, John, has only seen me as a friend thus far.

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If he feels differently, he will say so.

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The Lord will honor me.

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So I'm having to like rehearse this.

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And it wasn't until sometime after heartwork,

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I was doing therapy too,

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that something broke and limerence was gone.

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And for like, is it a temptation?

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Yes, but it is not a stronghold.

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And freedom came as I was, yes, this, these will get posted.

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I'll post that later.

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Freedom came as the Lord renewed my mind,

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renewed my heart and I applied the tools.

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So that is a brief, very brief version of my story.

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I learned how to become emotionally attached

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in relationships that largely existed in my own mind.

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And I didn't put this strongly in the notes,

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but I wanna just say here that what the research shows

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is you are more likely to be limerent,

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to have limerence, to struggle with limerence,

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if you had adverse childhood experiences.

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So I'm not gonna go into what those are tonight.

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ACEs, I'm not gonna go into that tonight,

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but if you had ACEs, it's called adverse childhood

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experiences, it's abbreviated ACEs.

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And one of those for me was emotional neglect.

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And so I had emotional neglect in childhood.

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I grew up in a Christian home, I knew Jesus,

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but I didn't realize that because I was self-soothing

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and had emotional neglect,

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that I was more vulnerable to limerence.

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I think also we, like I said,

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I came from a charismatic prophetic church culture.

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So oftentimes we can assign a lot of things onto the Lord,

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which really are just our emotions.

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There's also a lot of correlation to people

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that struggle with dopamine.

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If you have lower dopamine,

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I don't wanna say if you have low dopamine,

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then you have this, but there's a correlation

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to hits of dopamine and this limerence cycle.

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So, and also there's definitely some,

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what they call comorbidities.

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So if you struggle with anxiety or depression,

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attachment disorders, those kinds of things

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also show up more frequently in people

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that struggle with limerence.

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So there's just some things.

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What I wanna reassure you here,

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if you are struggling with this, you are not crazy,

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you're not pathetic, you're not spiritually defective.

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Like I said earlier, this is not,

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it can become a sin issue, but you are not,

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it's just like anything else that's a sin issue,

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we want to surrender ourselves to the Lord,

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repent and walk the other way.

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ACEs stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences.

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Many of the thoughts and feelings that you're having

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first are involuntary.

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So then what we're gonna do tonight is say,

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okay, there's no shame.

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If you're feeling shame, shame go in Jesus name.

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So the thoughts and feelings at first are involuntary.

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You don't know what you don't know.

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But once you become aware, then you are responsible.

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Then we are responsible for what information we have

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and the conviction that the Lord gives us.

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Once I became aware, I was like,

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oh, this is a sin pattern in my life.

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And now I get to repent and turn and walk the other way.

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And I am responsible before the Lord when I become aware.

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So, okay, I'm gonna try and fly through this.

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Why am I so attracted to someone,

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attached to someone I barely know?

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Limerence thrives between the space

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between what I know and what I imagine.

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So the actual person versus the person in my head.

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So this is helps me a lot when I'm dating.

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When I'm dating and I'm struggling with what,

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let's say I've been on a date with somebody,

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or actually I'm gonna use current example.

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There is a man in my church community currently.

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I think he's really cool.

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I've sort of thought he's cool for about a year.

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He was in a relationship, not in a relationship anymore.

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We're in each other's proximity.

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There's other men that I'm in proximity with.

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But this man, for whatever reason, I'm more interested in.

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And so I have to go back to this actual person.

402
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What has he said?

403
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What has he done?

404
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What is his character?

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Don't know, don't know his character

406
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because I don't really know him.

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He's an acquaintance.

408
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Is this person even available?

409
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Or are they, like to the point of the John guy earlier,

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like he wasn't emotionally available.

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This is where the masculine, mature, marriage-minded,

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I don't know if there's a girl version of that,

413
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but for women, for men,

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you still want a masculine, mature,

415
00:21:38.820 --> 00:21:41.580
not a masculine, a feminine, mature, marriage-minded.

416
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The three M's don't work,

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but feminine, mature, and marriage-minded.

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Are they even emotionally available?

419
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What weaknesses have I observed?

420
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This is really helpful,

421
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especially in that early dating phase,

422
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or even just in your level one relationships

423
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where you're just getting to know somebody.

424
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So the difference between the actual person,

425
00:22:00.540 --> 00:22:04.120
this is what grounds us, versus the person in my head.

426
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Why I was so hung up on John for so long,

427
00:22:06.320 --> 00:22:08.280
I saw his potential.

428
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Man, his potential is amazing.

429
00:22:11.520 --> 00:22:14.480
But I was making up all these things in my head

430
00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:17.520
about what he could be versus looking at who he really is,

431
00:22:17.520 --> 00:22:19.480
what he actually said,

432
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and what his character is actually showing me

433
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in day-to-day life.

434
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We imagine what they secretly feel.

435
00:22:26.600 --> 00:22:28.240
This happens a lot when we're like,

436
00:22:28.240 --> 00:22:30.520
oh man, we're gonna go through some scenarios of this later,

437
00:22:30.520 --> 00:22:34.120
but man, they didn't text me back

438
00:22:34.120 --> 00:22:36.740
because they're so hung up on me.

439
00:22:36.740 --> 00:22:38.520
They just don't have the words.

440
00:22:38.520 --> 00:22:41.680
Or whatever thing we make up in our minds.

441
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Emotionally available, Blake,

442
00:22:43.300 --> 00:22:46.400
means that somebody is actually healthy enough

443
00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:48.640
to be in a relationship.

444
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We talk a lot about, in level two,

445
00:22:51.400 --> 00:22:53.760
we talk about the different levels of attachment.

446
00:22:53.760 --> 00:22:57.000
You want somebody who is hopefully securely attached

447
00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:59.200
or working towards securely attached.

448
00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:01.540
And yeah, great answer, Sarah.

449
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Think of it as somebody's done the work

450
00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:04.480
to be ready to date.

451
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The person in my head,

452
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I may have imagined conversations and futures with them.

453
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I may have explanations for their inconsistent behavior,

454
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and I may have meanings assigned

455
00:23:13.400 --> 00:23:15.040
to their inconsistent behavior.

456
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So this is something that's important to recognize too,

457
00:23:18.120 --> 00:23:18.960
is at the bottom,

458
00:23:18.960 --> 00:23:21.840
a whole person can gradually become an object

459
00:23:21.840 --> 00:23:22.960
carrying meaning for us.

460
00:23:22.960 --> 00:23:27.960
So one of the things that's really important is for John,

461
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:31.320
that guy that I had limerence with for like seven years,

462
00:23:31.320 --> 00:23:32.640
I would call them wasted years,

463
00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:35.400
but the Lord did do so much in my heart during that time.

464
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We can talk a little bit about that in a second.

465
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A whole person,

466
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my understanding of John was what I had grid for

467
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at that time with my unhealed heart.

468
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But what I was really wanting was what John represented,

469
00:23:48.300 --> 00:23:51.820
which was my idea of a husband.

470
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Not him as a husband,

471
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but my idea as a husband of what I wanted in a husband.

472
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And so oftentimes if you ask the Lord,

473
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Lord, this person that I'm fixating on,

474
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who is it to me, Lord?

475
00:24:04.860 --> 00:24:07.500
This was one of the best questions that a friend asked me

476
00:24:07.500 --> 00:24:09.280
after I was in an unhealthy relationship.

477
00:24:09.280 --> 00:24:12.280
She said, what were you needing to get from the Lord

478
00:24:12.280 --> 00:24:16.240
that you weren't getting that made you vulnerable to this?

479
00:24:16.240 --> 00:24:20.400
And immediately I went, oh, I felt financially covered.

480
00:24:20.400 --> 00:24:22.120
I felt emotionally supported.

481
00:24:22.120 --> 00:24:24.080
And there was one other thing.

482
00:24:24.080 --> 00:24:27.560
And so I had to recognize, okay,

483
00:24:27.560 --> 00:24:29.840
I am looking at this person

484
00:24:29.840 --> 00:24:32.440
and trying to get something from them.

485
00:24:32.440 --> 00:24:34.680
Instead of seeing them as a whole person,

486
00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:38.360
I'm objectifying them and putting things on them

487
00:24:38.360 --> 00:24:39.840
that I either need to get from the Lord

488
00:24:39.840 --> 00:24:42.840
or the Lord wants to renew my heart and my mind

489
00:24:42.840 --> 00:24:46.840
so I can get the needs met in a healthy way.

490
00:24:46.840 --> 00:24:49.400
So these feelings of being chosen, worth, belonging,

491
00:24:49.400 --> 00:24:50.880
safety, marriage, future redemption,

492
00:24:50.880 --> 00:24:52.120
those are all good things.

493
00:24:52.120 --> 00:24:54.920
But if we're going about them in an unhealthy way,

494
00:24:54.920 --> 00:24:57.520
it's gonna produce, like Jesus says,

495
00:24:57.520 --> 00:24:59.040
good seed produces good fruit.

496
00:24:59.040 --> 00:25:00.120
We don't wanna have.

497
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.520
of bad fruit coming because of bad seed.

498
00:25:03.540 --> 00:25:05.840
Okay, so I'm gonna tell you guys really quick,

499
00:25:06.900 --> 00:25:10.820
this was part of the huge deliverance for me with limerence.

500
00:25:10.820 --> 00:25:13.060
I didn't realize it at the time.

501
00:25:13.060 --> 00:25:18.060
So in the height John limerence state,

502
00:25:18.780 --> 00:25:20.140
I was still only a few years in,

503
00:25:20.140 --> 00:25:21.700
still a few more years to go.

504
00:25:21.700 --> 00:25:24.460
I was re-watching The Little Mermaid

505
00:25:26.340 --> 00:25:29.220
and I had, I did like a kid dinner.

506
00:25:29.260 --> 00:25:30.860
So it was like hot dogs and mac and cheese.

507
00:25:30.860 --> 00:25:31.940
And I re-watched The Little Mermaid

508
00:25:31.940 --> 00:25:33.860
and the Lord opened my eyes

509
00:25:33.860 --> 00:25:36.100
and I sat in the prayer room the next day

510
00:25:36.100 --> 00:25:37.080
and just journaled.

511
00:25:37.080 --> 00:25:41.580
And the Lord delivered me of agreements that I made

512
00:25:41.580 --> 00:25:42.740
because of The Little Mermaid.

513
00:25:42.740 --> 00:25:43.980
And so if you guys don't remember the story,

514
00:25:43.980 --> 00:25:45.360
I'm not gonna tell you the whole story,

515
00:25:45.360 --> 00:25:48.300
but this picture summarizes what limerence is.

516
00:25:48.300 --> 00:25:50.660
So at the beginning of the film,

517
00:25:50.660 --> 00:25:53.540
Ariel kind of gets in trouble

518
00:25:53.540 --> 00:25:57.460
because she believes this is the core of this.

519
00:25:57.460 --> 00:26:00.500
Ariel the mermaid believes that her dad

520
00:26:00.500 --> 00:26:02.740
will not let her explore the ocean.

521
00:26:02.740 --> 00:26:05.860
So she rebels, she believes her dad's withholding.

522
00:26:05.860 --> 00:26:10.300
So she rebels and she sees this statue of a man

523
00:26:10.300 --> 00:26:13.020
and she falls in love with the image,

524
00:26:13.020 --> 00:26:14.780
the statue of this man.

525
00:26:14.780 --> 00:26:15.620
And then she sees him

526
00:26:15.620 --> 00:26:17.260
and then she goes and meets with the sea witch

527
00:26:17.260 --> 00:26:19.020
and she exchanges her voice

528
00:26:19.020 --> 00:26:22.260
and participates in manipulation and control

529
00:26:22.260 --> 00:26:23.740
to try and get the man.

530
00:26:23.740 --> 00:26:25.500
And you're just, we wanna kiss the girl,

531
00:26:25.500 --> 00:26:27.340
all of it's manipulation and control.

532
00:26:27.340 --> 00:26:28.860
And the Lord showed me,

533
00:26:28.860 --> 00:26:33.860
I had partnered with the same lies, similar lies.

534
00:26:34.180 --> 00:26:36.020
Like I told you, I was a little, little girl.

535
00:26:36.020 --> 00:26:37.500
So I didn't know I was partnering with lies.

536
00:26:37.500 --> 00:26:39.660
This is how insidious the enemy is.

537
00:26:39.660 --> 00:26:41.460
I was partnering with lies

538
00:26:41.460 --> 00:26:43.940
that my dad was withholding from me.

539
00:26:44.900 --> 00:26:46.780
Please don't ever let your kids watch this film.

540
00:26:46.780 --> 00:26:48.220
So demonic.

541
00:26:48.220 --> 00:26:49.580
I was partnering with the lies

542
00:26:49.580 --> 00:26:52.660
that the father was withholding from me.

543
00:26:52.700 --> 00:26:57.060
And if I can just do it my way,

544
00:26:57.060 --> 00:27:00.140
then I'll make everything together.

545
00:27:00.140 --> 00:27:02.260
And really what she was participating with,

546
00:27:02.260 --> 00:27:03.940
she didn't know the man, Eric.

547
00:27:03.940 --> 00:27:06.740
She knew an image of the man, Eric.

548
00:27:06.740 --> 00:27:10.140
She had a bust, an image of this man

549
00:27:10.140 --> 00:27:11.300
that she fell in love with.

550
00:27:11.300 --> 00:27:14.060
And then she had to literally trade her voice,

551
00:27:14.060 --> 00:27:17.780
her autonomy in order to partner with the enemy

552
00:27:17.780 --> 00:27:19.820
in order to try and get the man.

553
00:27:19.900 --> 00:27:24.060
And so this is such a good, perfect image of limerence.

554
00:27:24.060 --> 00:27:25.340
This is a big difference between

555
00:27:25.340 --> 00:27:27.180
how do I know if it's limerence or if it's love?

556
00:27:27.180 --> 00:27:29.340
How do I know if I have a genuine crush

557
00:27:29.340 --> 00:27:30.820
and it's a level two relationship

558
00:27:30.820 --> 00:27:33.620
and I'm getting to know somebody versus it's limerence?

559
00:27:33.620 --> 00:27:36.980
Well, healthy love grows through knowing.

560
00:27:36.980 --> 00:27:39.700
Limerence can grow through not knowing.

561
00:27:39.700 --> 00:27:44.300
So as you grow in intimacy and healthy love should grow.

562
00:27:44.300 --> 00:27:46.900
But if you don't actually have genuine connection

563
00:27:46.900 --> 00:27:51.340
and attachment and you sense that your affection is growing

564
00:27:51.340 --> 00:27:54.620
then it's typically going to probably be limerence

565
00:27:54.620 --> 00:27:57.100
because limerence doesn't have genuine connection.

566
00:27:57.100 --> 00:27:58.700
We're falling in love with an idol,

567
00:27:58.700 --> 00:28:01.540
an image that is not a human.

568
00:28:01.540 --> 00:28:02.380
It's not a person.

569
00:28:02.380 --> 00:28:05.980
This is why AI and all of that is so crazy.

570
00:28:05.980 --> 00:28:07.380
So there's the person

571
00:28:07.380 --> 00:28:09.100
and then there's the statue in the grotto.

572
00:28:09.100 --> 00:28:10.900
The image that we built ourselves

573
00:28:10.900 --> 00:28:13.140
and what is one of the commandments

574
00:28:13.140 --> 00:28:14.580
that the Lord made so clear?

575
00:28:14.580 --> 00:28:16.460
Do not make for yourself a graven image

576
00:28:16.500 --> 00:28:19.340
because the Lord knows our hearts can be turned

577
00:28:19.340 --> 00:28:22.820
by inanimate objects or by our imaginations.

578
00:28:22.820 --> 00:28:25.660
And so we don't want the image that we built ourselves

579
00:28:25.660 --> 00:28:26.900
out of what we hope is true.

580
00:28:26.900 --> 00:28:28.700
We want the actual person.

581
00:28:28.700 --> 00:28:30.300
Okay, I'm going to move through this pretty quickly

582
00:28:30.300 --> 00:28:32.140
because we're going to do breakout here shortly.

583
00:28:32.140 --> 00:28:33.300
Y'all hanging in okay?

584
00:28:33.300 --> 00:28:34.140
Good?

585
00:28:34.140 --> 00:28:35.780
Resonating with some of you guys?

586
00:28:38.180 --> 00:28:39.300
Okay.

587
00:28:39.300 --> 00:28:40.340
I'm going to touch this fast

588
00:28:40.340 --> 00:28:41.980
because you guys can see it in replay

589
00:28:41.980 --> 00:28:43.180
and screenshot it if you want.

590
00:28:43.180 --> 00:28:44.940
So what feeds the limerence loop?

591
00:28:44.940 --> 00:28:46.860
It is a loop.

592
00:28:46.860 --> 00:28:47.860
There's a trigger.

593
00:28:49.420 --> 00:28:51.380
I saw an Insta story.

594
00:28:51.380 --> 00:28:52.220
I have a thought.

595
00:28:52.220 --> 00:28:54.220
Oh man, I really like that dude.

596
00:28:54.220 --> 00:28:56.300
Then I have a fantasy or rumination.

597
00:28:56.300 --> 00:28:57.580
I wonder what will happen

598
00:28:57.580 --> 00:28:59.820
if I wonder what he's thinking about.

599
00:28:59.820 --> 00:29:01.660
I wonder what his day-to-day is like.

600
00:29:01.660 --> 00:29:03.820
Then there's relief, excitement, or anticipation.

601
00:29:03.820 --> 00:29:05.340
So this is where our thoughts and our feelings

602
00:29:05.340 --> 00:29:06.860
then create sensations.

603
00:29:06.860 --> 00:29:08.780
They flood dopamine

604
00:29:08.780 --> 00:29:11.740
and all these other neurochemicals into our bodies.

605
00:29:11.740 --> 00:29:13.060
We're not going to get into it tonight.

606
00:29:13.060 --> 00:29:14.900
And then we're checking, seeking, rehearsing.

607
00:29:14.900 --> 00:29:16.420
We're looking for validation.

608
00:29:16.420 --> 00:29:18.940
We're looking for some type of perceived sign.

609
00:29:18.940 --> 00:29:21.500
And then we assign significance to it.

610
00:29:21.500 --> 00:29:22.940
And then it becomes more thoughts.

611
00:29:22.940 --> 00:29:23.820
And then we trigger it.

612
00:29:23.820 --> 00:29:25.300
Y'all, like it said earlier,

613
00:29:25.300 --> 00:29:26.420
50, some of the people,

614
00:29:26.420 --> 00:29:28.140
it's 50% of your waking hours

615
00:29:28.140 --> 00:29:32.740
are thinking through what this limerence loop is.

616
00:29:32.740 --> 00:29:34.060
And it's with an imagination.

617
00:29:34.060 --> 00:29:36.100
You may be rereading text messages.

618
00:29:36.100 --> 00:29:37.740
You may be replaying interactions.

619
00:29:37.740 --> 00:29:39.620
You might be monitoring behavior,

620
00:29:39.620 --> 00:29:41.540
asking, this is a really dangerous one,

621
00:29:41.580 --> 00:29:43.820
asking friends what it meant.

622
00:29:43.820 --> 00:29:45.900
So if you're like, I love this.

623
00:29:45.900 --> 00:29:48.980
I had a friend in our community who I said something

624
00:29:48.980 --> 00:29:49.820
and they're like,

625
00:29:49.820 --> 00:29:51.740
well, I'm not going to respond to that in this way.

626
00:29:51.740 --> 00:29:53.700
I'm going to hold my tongue and just pray about it.

627
00:29:53.700 --> 00:29:55.260
In so many words, they're saying this.

628
00:29:55.260 --> 00:29:56.540
I'm going to hold my tongue and just praying about this

629
00:29:56.540 --> 00:29:58.500
because I know you're on guard for limerence.

630
00:29:58.500 --> 00:29:59.900
And I love that so much.

631
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:03.500
Even friends, Hunter, I think you're drawing on the board.

632
00:30:03.500 --> 00:30:08.500
Even friends can like help you be on guard for limerence.

633
00:30:08.740 --> 00:30:10.260
We're gonna talk about that a little bit later.

634
00:30:10.260 --> 00:30:11.380
Engineering contact.

635
00:30:11.380 --> 00:30:13.380
Y'all, I used to walk down the street all the time

636
00:30:13.380 --> 00:30:15.060
because I was neighbors with that John guy.

637
00:30:15.060 --> 00:30:17.460
I used to walk down the street on prayer walks

638
00:30:17.460 --> 00:30:19.140
in order to engineer contacts.

639
00:30:19.140 --> 00:30:20.620
Looking for spiritual confirmation.

640
00:30:20.620 --> 00:30:22.420
I wasn't even looking for spiritual confirmation,

641
00:30:22.420 --> 00:30:24.140
but there was spiritual confirmation.

642
00:30:24.140 --> 00:30:25.500
And I love what Jackie says.

643
00:30:25.500 --> 00:30:30.500
Somebody can be attracted in the spirit,

644
00:30:31.040 --> 00:30:35.600
but that doesn't mean that they are a soulmate.

645
00:30:35.600 --> 00:30:38.520
So you need spirit and soulmate.

646
00:30:38.520 --> 00:30:41.040
So this is, I think, something

647
00:30:41.040 --> 00:30:42.720
that is really, really helpful,

648
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:44.520
especially for those of you that might be struggling

649
00:30:44.520 --> 00:30:47.280
with this with people who you previously

650
00:30:47.280 --> 00:30:48.680
were in a relationship with.

651
00:30:48.680 --> 00:30:51.120
Maybe keeps the story open.

652
00:30:51.120 --> 00:30:53.760
Certainty would close it.

653
00:30:53.780 --> 00:30:55.180
Now, I wanna say this.

654
00:30:55.180 --> 00:30:56.460
Just because you have certainty

655
00:30:56.460 --> 00:30:58.700
doesn't mean your brain knows that there's certainty.

656
00:30:58.700 --> 00:31:00.440
Because remember my story with John?

657
00:31:00.440 --> 00:31:02.140
John told me to my face.

658
00:31:03.060 --> 00:31:04.380
He literally said,

659
00:31:05.460 --> 00:31:08.300
I don't see you the same way

660
00:31:08.300 --> 00:31:10.660
when I said that I had interest in him.

661
00:31:10.660 --> 00:31:12.020
And then he said it very honorably.

662
00:31:12.020 --> 00:31:13.780
He goes, the Lord's gonna honor you.

663
00:31:13.780 --> 00:31:16.020
Did that change the fact that I had limerence

664
00:31:16.020 --> 00:31:17.900
over John for another two years?

665
00:31:17.900 --> 00:31:19.660
No, I got engaged.

666
00:31:19.660 --> 00:31:20.940
I broke up that engagement

667
00:31:20.940 --> 00:31:22.740
and still had limerence with John.

668
00:31:22.740 --> 00:31:25.760
My soul needed to be cleaned

669
00:31:25.760 --> 00:31:28.360
and I needed parts of my soul and spirit

670
00:31:28.360 --> 00:31:30.180
to be healed by the Lord.

671
00:31:30.180 --> 00:31:33.160
But those of you that might be entertaining,

672
00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:35.920
the maybe, you need to ask the Lord

673
00:31:35.920 --> 00:31:37.960
if that maybe is keeping the story open

674
00:31:37.960 --> 00:31:39.040
and you need to ask the Lord

675
00:31:39.040 --> 00:31:41.760
to help you close that and have certainty.

676
00:31:41.760 --> 00:31:43.720
This is from the study

677
00:31:43.720 --> 00:31:45.160
that I mentioned that was earlier this year.

678
00:31:45.160 --> 00:31:46.760
Checking, rereading, and fantasizing

679
00:31:46.760 --> 00:31:48.520
can briefly reduce anxiety

680
00:31:48.520 --> 00:31:50.400
or perceived imagined reciprocity.

681
00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:52.480
And in doing so, it then reinforces the cycle.

682
00:31:53.220 --> 00:31:54.060
So that's the thing is when you dwell on it,

683
00:31:54.060 --> 00:31:56.220
then it becomes even more reinforcing.

684
00:31:56.220 --> 00:31:59.140
So it's a kind of an insidious loop.

685
00:31:59.140 --> 00:32:00.660
Checking, rereading, this is on the screen.

686
00:32:00.660 --> 00:32:02.100
Checking, rereading, and fantasizing

687
00:32:02.100 --> 00:32:03.660
can briefly reduce anxiety

688
00:32:03.660 --> 00:32:05.640
or preserve imagined reciprocity.

689
00:32:05.640 --> 00:32:08.780
Or the imagined, yes, he's into me

690
00:32:08.780 --> 00:32:10.340
when he ain't really into you.

691
00:32:11.700 --> 00:32:13.460
And uncertainty appears to play

692
00:32:13.460 --> 00:32:16.660
both a triggering and a maintaining role, okay?

693
00:32:18.980 --> 00:32:20.760
People experiencing impairing limerence

694
00:32:20.780 --> 00:32:22.140
also scored significantly higher

695
00:32:22.140 --> 00:32:24.460
on perfectionism and intolerance of uncertainty.

696
00:32:24.460 --> 00:32:26.540
So as we get more healing,

697
00:32:26.540 --> 00:32:28.180
then we will be doing better.

698
00:32:28.180 --> 00:32:30.020
You cannot always reason your way out of something

699
00:32:30.020 --> 00:32:31.600
you did not reason your way into.

700
00:32:31.600 --> 00:32:32.820
We're gonna talk about applying truth

701
00:32:32.820 --> 00:32:33.660
to this in a little bit.

702
00:32:33.660 --> 00:32:36.020
Okay, so we're gonna do a breakout.

703
00:32:36.020 --> 00:32:39.300
And this one, I'm not gonna make you guys disclose

704
00:32:39.300 --> 00:32:42.220
if you have done, if you have struggled with this

705
00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:43.160
or if you have limerent objects.

706
00:32:43.160 --> 00:32:45.620
We're gonna do some scenario plays

707
00:32:45.620 --> 00:32:47.260
and I want you guys to talk about this.

708
00:32:47.260 --> 00:32:49.380
So scenario A, I'm just gonna roll through

709
00:32:49.380 --> 00:32:50.720
these really quick.

710
00:32:50.720 --> 00:32:53.360
Someone goes on two dates with a person.

711
00:32:53.360 --> 00:32:56.260
So if you're a note taker, I want you guys,

712
00:32:56.260 --> 00:32:57.880
if you can't talk, that's okay.

713
00:32:57.880 --> 00:32:59.800
We will go out and break out rooms.

714
00:32:59.800 --> 00:33:00.660
But if you're a note taker,

715
00:33:00.660 --> 00:33:02.140
just take notes of these real quick.

716
00:33:02.140 --> 00:33:02.980
Or you know what?

717
00:33:02.980 --> 00:33:03.820
I'm gonna put them all on the screen

718
00:33:03.820 --> 00:33:05.260
and you guys screenshot them.

719
00:33:06.360 --> 00:33:07.720
Take your phone out and screenshot

720
00:33:07.720 --> 00:33:08.640
so you can remember this.

721
00:33:08.640 --> 00:33:12.560
Scenario A, someone goes out on two dates with a person.

722
00:33:12.560 --> 00:33:13.840
So what does that mean?

723
00:33:13.840 --> 00:33:17.340
They're in a level two, level one, level two.

724
00:33:17.340 --> 00:33:18.820
Someone goes on two dates with a person.

725
00:33:19.160 --> 00:33:21.120
They spend hours imagining their future after the date.

726
00:33:21.120 --> 00:33:22.280
They re-read every message,

727
00:33:22.280 --> 00:33:23.880
notice changes in the response time

728
00:33:23.880 --> 00:33:26.060
and interpret social media as clues.

729
00:33:27.280 --> 00:33:28.920
If you guys can't join in the,

730
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:32.140
those of you who are saying I can't join in the breakout,

731
00:33:32.140 --> 00:33:32.980
that's okay.

732
00:33:32.980 --> 00:33:35.320
Just hang out and then you'll pop back in.

733
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:38.840
Scenario B, someone has dated a person consistently

734
00:33:38.840 --> 00:33:39.680
for four months.

735
00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:41.880
So again, probably a level two,

736
00:33:41.880 --> 00:33:45.120
maybe trending towards a level three.

737
00:33:45.120 --> 00:33:47.000
They're excited and think about them often,

738
00:33:47.000 --> 00:33:48.340
but they still maintain friendships,

739
00:33:48.340 --> 00:33:49.740
responsibilities and boundaries

740
00:33:49.740 --> 00:33:52.540
and can see the person's weaknesses accurately.

741
00:33:52.540 --> 00:33:55.300
Scenario C, someone has been clearly told,

742
00:33:55.300 --> 00:33:57.800
I don't want a relationship, Elizabeth with John,

743
00:33:57.800 --> 00:33:59.980
but occasional warmth or attention keeps them wondering

744
00:33:59.980 --> 00:34:02.000
whether the person secretly feels differently.

745
00:34:02.000 --> 00:34:03.700
I kind of just gave that one away.

746
00:34:03.700 --> 00:34:05.740
But what looks like healthy attraction?

747
00:34:05.740 --> 00:34:06.960
This is what you guys are gonna discuss.

748
00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:08.380
What looks potentially limerent

749
00:34:08.380 --> 00:34:11.179
and where is fantasy entering?

750
00:34:11.179 --> 00:34:13.940
And then where's uncertainty feeding the attachment?

751
00:34:13.940 --> 00:34:16.320
What would reality-based thinking sound like?

752
00:34:16.340 --> 00:34:19.260
Okay, so I'm gonna break you guys out real quick

753
00:34:21.340 --> 00:34:23.980
into, how many of us are there?

754
00:34:23.980 --> 00:34:24.820
There's one-on-one.

755
00:34:24.820 --> 00:34:28.580
So we're gonna do five people

756
00:34:28.580 --> 00:34:30.940
and I'm gonna have you guys,

757
00:34:30.940 --> 00:34:34.540
again, if you can't talk or whatever, just stay muted.

758
00:34:34.540 --> 00:34:37.100
And I'm gonna give you guys five minutes.

759
00:34:37.100 --> 00:34:38.900
So that's a minute each person.

760
00:34:38.900 --> 00:34:41.940
If you wanna just generally reflect on what we're learning,

761
00:34:41.940 --> 00:34:44.820
that's okay too, but you don't have to self-disclose.

762
00:34:44.820 --> 00:34:47.159
Don't leave because we're doing a breakout.

763
00:34:47.159 --> 00:34:49.199
We have a lot more and we're gonna get to some practicals

764
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:50.480
of how to break this, okay?

765
00:34:50.480 --> 00:34:54.679
So I will, no, y'all, I just did the math really wrong.

766
00:34:54.679 --> 00:34:57.120
We're gonna do 20 rooms, okay?

767
00:34:57.120 --> 00:34:58.620
Be right back in five minutes.

768
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.000
Thank you.

769
00:35:30.000 --> 00:35:35.000
Thank you.

770
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:05.000
Thank you.

771
00:36:30.000 --> 00:36:35.000
Thank you.

772
00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:05.000
Thank you.

773
00:37:30.000 --> 00:37:35.000
Thank you.

774
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:05.000
Thank you.

775
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:35.000
Thank you.

776
00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:05.000
Thank you.

777
00:39:30.000 --> 00:39:35.000
Thank you.

778
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.060
you

779
00:40:30.060 --> 00:40:32.060
You

780
00:40:35.620 --> 00:40:37.620
You

781
00:40:45.140 --> 00:40:47.140
You

782
00:40:57.940 --> 00:40:59.940
You

783
00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:02.000
All right

784
00:41:03.440 --> 00:41:05.400
Make sure I'm sure

785
00:41:05.400 --> 00:41:10.880
All right. I think most of us are back in. Hopefully you guys had good breakouts. Okay, so we had a great question

786
00:41:11.600 --> 00:41:17.880
From Gail. Is this a vibe our body sends out without us knowing it? Why is it that I seem to attract the wrong guys?

787
00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:21.760
Online, so this is not a vibe your body sends out

788
00:41:21.760 --> 00:41:29.720
But it's definitely I think the attraction comes because of unhealed hearts and then again thoughts create feelings feelings create behavior

789
00:41:30.000 --> 00:41:32.480
like we talked about a little while ago and so

790
00:41:33.040 --> 00:41:39.720
oftentimes we are many times we're attracted our unhealed selves can be attracted to people that we are wanting to

791
00:41:40.680 --> 00:41:44.840
Heal parts of ourselves. So I told you guys the John guy. I was attracted to I was

792
00:41:45.680 --> 00:41:50.560
Subconsciously trying to heal dad wounds my ex-fiance. I was subconsciously trying to heal mom wounds

793
00:41:50.600 --> 00:41:55.040
So the Lord can reveal that to you, but it's not something we're physiologically necessarily putting out

794
00:41:55.120 --> 00:41:59.200
But it is an internal world and as our thoughts then become our external world

795
00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:03.280
Okay, so we're gonna move on. We have a few more parts. We're gonna get to

796
00:42:04.040 --> 00:42:06.360
Another breakout. So what's underneath?

797
00:42:07.160 --> 00:42:09.160
The person who has limerence

798
00:42:09.560 --> 00:42:11.400
We talked a little bit about this

799
00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:18.360
The largest differences that we see from the original definition of limerence to today is there's usually an attachment preoccupation

800
00:42:18.360 --> 00:42:23.440
So that means like you may struggle those that struggle with anxious attachment

801
00:42:23.680 --> 00:42:28.160
Oftentimes it was it are more prone to limerence. That doesn't mean avoidant people can't

802
00:42:28.480 --> 00:42:31.480
Of people that struggle with avoidant attachment can't be limerence

803
00:42:31.720 --> 00:42:39.400
But often it shows up with those with who have insecure attachments specifically anxious if you have daydreaming that's not serving you

804
00:42:39.400 --> 00:42:44.720
That's what maladaptive means or need for approval lower attachment confidence adverse childhood experiences

805
00:42:44.720 --> 00:42:50.320
We mentioned that a little bit when you're thinking about the this is where it gets insidious when you're thinking about the limerent object

806
00:42:50.320 --> 00:42:56.320
Or the person that you have limerence about you often feel more sadness more anxiety and more loneliness

807
00:42:56.360 --> 00:42:59.400
It's like a it's almost like a drug, right?

808
00:42:59.720 --> 00:43:06.240
But it's a drug that isn't serving you more sadness more anxiety more loneliness less happiness less calmness. This is what the research

809
00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:13.560
Shows we aren't fantasizing because it feels wonderful. Sometimes the fantasy is where we go because reality hurts

810
00:43:14.240 --> 00:43:17.680
So give yourself some grace in that. Okay

811
00:43:18.520 --> 00:43:19.600
also

812
00:43:19.600 --> 00:43:23.920
We talked a little bit about this but some usually we're not only longing for the person

813
00:43:24.080 --> 00:43:30.200
Longing for what we think choosing them or them choosing us not us choosing them because we've already chosen them in our minds

814
00:43:30.440 --> 00:43:33.840
We're longing for what we think that them giving us

815
00:43:34.360 --> 00:43:39.120
Affection or love or marriage or whatever the thing we're wanting from them is

816
00:43:39.480 --> 00:43:45.800
We're longing for the verdict the truth of what we think they're choosing us would give so if if

817
00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:48.800
John loves me then I

818
00:43:49.160 --> 00:43:55.760
Am worthy I'd like insert fill in the blank whatever our heart is longing for here, right John would love me then I would feel

819
00:43:56.480 --> 00:43:58.480
blah-blah-blah

820
00:43:59.080 --> 00:44:04.760
So what would this person's choosing me proof I'm worthy I belong I'm valuable

821
00:44:05.600 --> 00:44:11.160
Whatever and then what does their rejection say about me because we're often fearing their rejection

822
00:44:11.160 --> 00:44:14.320
And so in our minds we play up our perceived reality

823
00:44:14.720 --> 00:44:17.360
Okay, so what does faith have to do with it, right

824
00:44:19.920 --> 00:44:23.160
Desire is not the enemy. I want to say this really clearly

825
00:44:24.040 --> 00:44:30.840
Wanting marriage is good. Having attraction is good. That's not wrong. Wanting a particular person is not automatically wrong

826
00:44:31.520 --> 00:44:36.960
Longing is not automatically idolatry and that's something that I think we need to debunk sometimes

827
00:44:37.520 --> 00:44:39.520
But the shift is not

828
00:44:39.600 --> 00:44:45.120
The desire is not the enemy the longing is not automatically where desire becomes demand

829
00:44:45.120 --> 00:44:48.080
This is where it gets dangerous instead of I deeply want this

830
00:44:48.600 --> 00:44:54.360
It shifts into I need this outcome in order to be okay. I need to

831
00:44:56.600 --> 00:45:02.480
Feel the affection from people around me and I need to feel the love from people around me

832
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.760
John needs to choose me so that I can know

833
00:45:02.480 --> 00:45:07.600
I need to feel the love from people around me and I need to feel the love from people around me

834
00:45:03.760 --> 00:45:06.400
that I am safe and loved and worthy.

835
00:45:06.400 --> 00:45:08.200
And the core fear,

836
00:45:08.200 --> 00:45:09.560
John and Stacey Eldridge talk about this,

837
00:45:09.560 --> 00:45:11.920
the core fear for men is usually that I need to know

838
00:45:11.920 --> 00:45:13.200
that I have what it takes,

839
00:45:13.200 --> 00:45:15.520
and I'm afraid that I don't have what it takes.

840
00:45:15.520 --> 00:45:17.040
And the core fear for women is,

841
00:45:17.040 --> 00:45:18.400
I need to know that I'm safe and secure

842
00:45:18.400 --> 00:45:21.360
because our core fear is,

843
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:22.960
we're gonna be abandoned and alone.

844
00:45:22.960 --> 00:45:24.880
So if you choose me,

845
00:45:24.880 --> 00:45:26.920
then I don't have to feel the insecurity

846
00:45:26.920 --> 00:45:29.320
that I would feel of being abandoned and alone.

847
00:45:29.360 --> 00:45:30.880
So this is the difference.

848
00:45:30.880 --> 00:45:31.720
I told you guys,

849
00:45:31.720 --> 00:45:35.120
we're gonna come back to what a limerent object looks like.

850
00:45:35.120 --> 00:45:37.600
So this is the difference between a subject or a person.

851
00:45:37.600 --> 00:45:39.200
I should have said a whole person.

852
00:45:39.200 --> 00:45:40.400
That's probably the better way to say it.

853
00:45:40.400 --> 00:45:42.200
A whole person.

854
00:45:42.200 --> 00:45:44.520
So I wanna fall in love with a whole person, not an object.

855
00:45:44.520 --> 00:45:47.160
A whole person is an image bearer of God.

856
00:45:47.160 --> 00:45:50.440
A whole person has agency and autonomy.

857
00:45:50.440 --> 00:45:52.280
A whole person has desires.

858
00:45:52.280 --> 00:45:53.440
They have boundaries.

859
00:45:53.440 --> 00:45:54.560
They have a calling.

860
00:45:54.560 --> 00:45:55.520
They have freedom.

861
00:45:56.600 --> 00:45:58.960
The difference is when we objectify people,

862
00:45:59.600 --> 00:46:01.000
then that person becomes a role.

863
00:46:01.000 --> 00:46:03.360
They change from being a person into an object.

864
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:06.120
And that object is a role in my story.

865
00:46:06.120 --> 00:46:09.680
They're the Prince Eric bust to my Ariel.

866
00:46:09.680 --> 00:46:13.120
They carry an identity and a destiny or an emotional need

867
00:46:13.120 --> 00:46:15.520
that God never assigned to them, I assigned to them.

868
00:46:15.520 --> 00:46:17.320
I moved into the place of control.

869
00:46:17.320 --> 00:46:19.880
I partnered with the lie of the enemy and said,

870
00:46:19.880 --> 00:46:22.000
I need this to be okay.

871
00:46:23.000 --> 00:46:25.160
And so what, oops, hold on.

872
00:46:25.160 --> 00:46:27.720
I thought I had another line under there.

873
00:46:27.720 --> 00:46:29.240
Take the Ariel story, right?

874
00:46:29.240 --> 00:46:31.280
Her desire was not evil,

875
00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:33.360
but she believed the lie

876
00:46:33.360 --> 00:46:35.840
that the father was withholding from her.

877
00:46:35.840 --> 00:46:40.240
So she's gonna trade something and then for an object

878
00:46:40.240 --> 00:46:43.800
instead of, and it's probably a bad illustration

879
00:46:43.800 --> 00:46:46.840
because Ariel was in fact a mermaid and not a human,

880
00:46:46.840 --> 00:46:51.680
but she couldn't see the image bearer identity of a man

881
00:46:51.680 --> 00:46:53.840
because she was living in her own world.

882
00:46:54.800 --> 00:46:55.840
But what we wanna do,

883
00:46:55.840 --> 00:46:57.960
and this is where it does become sin.

884
00:46:57.960 --> 00:47:02.080
When I am putting an objectification on a person,

885
00:47:02.080 --> 00:47:05.840
and this is also what I didn't realize until I told you,

886
00:47:05.840 --> 00:47:07.240
I said it briefly earlier,

887
00:47:07.240 --> 00:47:08.960
but in case you guys didn't catch it.

888
00:47:08.960 --> 00:47:12.880
So right before I actually was engaged, his name was David,

889
00:47:12.880 --> 00:47:16.080
right before David, I had the limerence with John, right?

890
00:47:16.080 --> 00:47:17.760
My friend, John.

891
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:19.360
I didn't see John correctly.

892
00:47:19.360 --> 00:47:21.640
I saw John as an object.

893
00:47:21.640 --> 00:47:23.040
I didn't see him as an image bearer

894
00:47:23.040 --> 00:47:25.440
with autonomy, desires, boundaries, calling, and freedom.

895
00:47:26.000 --> 00:47:28.320
I made him an object of you're the ideal picture

896
00:47:28.320 --> 00:47:30.200
of what I would want in a husband.

897
00:47:30.200 --> 00:47:33.120
So then I'm engaged to a man who guess what?

898
00:47:33.120 --> 00:47:35.040
Made me an object.

899
00:47:35.040 --> 00:47:38.240
Remember the reason that I found out about limerence

900
00:47:38.240 --> 00:47:40.200
is because a therapist told him,

901
00:47:40.200 --> 00:47:41.800
you have a Disney version idea of love

902
00:47:41.800 --> 00:47:42.840
and you're kind of just seeing her

903
00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:44.400
for what you can get out of her.

904
00:47:44.400 --> 00:47:47.800
So I then received the very thing I had just done.

905
00:47:47.800 --> 00:47:49.840
This is where we partner with the enemy

906
00:47:49.840 --> 00:47:52.520
when we begin to objectify people instead of seeing them

907
00:47:52.560 --> 00:47:56.160
like Genesis 1, 27, that we are made in the image of God.

908
00:47:56.160 --> 00:47:58.040
So this is where we just repent

909
00:47:58.040 --> 00:48:00.200
and we trust the Lord to change us.

910
00:48:00.200 --> 00:48:01.480
I put a succulent here.

911
00:48:01.480 --> 00:48:02.920
I'm not gonna go into the story of a succulent

912
00:48:02.920 --> 00:48:04.160
because I want to give time,

913
00:48:04.160 --> 00:48:07.200
but the succulent for me represents a husband and marriage.

914
00:48:07.200 --> 00:48:08.760
And the reason I put this here

915
00:48:08.760 --> 00:48:11.520
because this summarizes what,

916
00:48:11.520 --> 00:48:15.480
it's always represented my marriage for like 10, 15 years.

917
00:48:15.480 --> 00:48:16.320
And I was-

918
00:48:16.480 --> 00:48:19.240
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

919
00:48:19.240 --> 00:48:20.660
We all stay muted.

920
00:48:20.660 --> 00:48:25.660
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

921
00:48:27.160 --> 00:48:29.480
Okay, make sure you stay mute.

922
00:48:29.480 --> 00:48:30.640
I was on a really bad date

923
00:48:30.640 --> 00:48:32.040
and I came back from the really bad date

924
00:48:32.040 --> 00:48:33.840
and there was a succulent on my porch

925
00:48:33.840 --> 00:48:35.960
that somebody had mailed me as a gift.

926
00:48:35.960 --> 00:48:37.800
And the message, I keep it in my kitchen,

927
00:48:37.800 --> 00:48:40.000
it says, someone's planted a message for you.

928
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:41.720
And I was like, all right, Lord.

929
00:48:42.680 --> 00:48:44.080
All right, Lord, I see you.

930
00:48:44.080 --> 00:48:46.040
Because at the time I didn't have,

931
00:48:46.040 --> 00:48:48.440
still didn't have the belief

932
00:48:48.440 --> 00:48:51.000
that like the Lord's gonna honor the desire of my heart.

933
00:48:51.000 --> 00:48:53.980
And so I felt like I had to secure the outcome myself.

934
00:48:53.980 --> 00:48:56.440
But here's what happens is faith trusts God

935
00:48:56.440 --> 00:48:57.680
with what we cannot see.

936
00:48:57.680 --> 00:48:59.820
Fantasy tells God what we expect to see.

937
00:48:59.820 --> 00:49:02.840
So this is again, the difference between love and limerence.

938
00:49:02.840 --> 00:49:04.640
Similarly, faith versus fantasy.

939
00:49:04.640 --> 00:49:09.360
Faith, it says, God, I trust that you have a husband for me.

940
00:49:09.360 --> 00:49:12.600
This is literally what I say frequently, recently.

941
00:49:12.600 --> 00:49:13.520
I use Jackie's words.

942
00:49:13.920 --> 00:49:15.720
God, I thank you that you know who's my husband.

943
00:49:15.720 --> 00:49:18.400
You have a husband for me that you're gonna bring.

944
00:49:18.400 --> 00:49:20.520
You know where he is.

945
00:49:20.520 --> 00:49:22.640
You know who he is and you know how to get him to me.

946
00:49:22.640 --> 00:49:24.200
So when that succulent showed up on my porch,

947
00:49:24.200 --> 00:49:26.400
I was like, all right, God, I see ya.

948
00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:28.400
I'm like crying from this terrible date.

949
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:31.440
And I'm like, all right, Lord, you're gonna bring it.

950
00:49:31.440 --> 00:49:34.000
But what fantasy does is it makes me

951
00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:35.920
the writer of my own story to say,

952
00:49:35.920 --> 00:49:38.120
God, this is how I want you to do it.

953
00:49:38.120 --> 00:49:39.640
You need to do it this way.

954
00:49:39.640 --> 00:49:40.880
And we don't even realize we're partnering

955
00:49:40.880 --> 00:49:41.980
with the enemy in that, right?

956
00:49:41.980 --> 00:49:45.740
That's control, that's manipulation, not of the Lord.

957
00:49:45.740 --> 00:49:49.660
So we want to recognize the beliefs.

958
00:49:49.660 --> 00:49:52.980
So underneath all of this,

959
00:49:52.980 --> 00:49:54.280
this is where we're gonna do another breakout.

960
00:49:54.280 --> 00:49:55.120
And then we're gonna come back

961
00:49:55.120 --> 00:49:56.260
and do some really practical tools,

962
00:49:56.260 --> 00:49:57.540
which I'm very excited about.

963
00:49:57.540 --> 00:49:59.740
We're gonna renew the belief.

964
00:49:59.740 --> 00:50:00.580
So.

965
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.020
Some of you, well, actually all of us have beliefs

966
00:50:03.020 --> 00:50:05.260
that we are, this is why heart work is so good

967
00:50:05.260 --> 00:50:07.020
because the Lord reveals these things.

968
00:50:07.020 --> 00:50:09.380
I want you to just take 30 seconds right now

969
00:50:09.380 --> 00:50:10.840
before we go into breakout room.

970
00:50:10.840 --> 00:50:12.260
I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna pause here.

971
00:50:12.260 --> 00:50:14.180
I want you to ask the Lord,

972
00:50:14.180 --> 00:50:17.260
Lord, what is the belief or the fear

973
00:50:17.260 --> 00:50:19.860
that I have come into agreement with

974
00:50:19.860 --> 00:50:23.820
that is it, that I, that's fueling limerence?

975
00:50:23.820 --> 00:50:25.120
Is it that I'm running out of time?

976
00:50:25.120 --> 00:50:26.380
People never wanna choose me.

977
00:50:26.380 --> 00:50:28.700
If I let go, I'll miss my chance.

978
00:50:28.700 --> 00:50:29.940
I need to make something happen.

979
00:50:30.780 --> 00:50:31.620
I can't trust God with this.

980
00:50:31.620 --> 00:50:32.440
Or maybe it's something else.

981
00:50:32.440 --> 00:50:35.940
For me, it was, I don't, I'm not worthy of a man,

982
00:50:35.940 --> 00:50:36.780
a whole man.

983
00:50:36.780 --> 00:50:38.860
That was the belief that I had.

984
00:50:38.860 --> 00:50:41.020
That was the lie that I had is I didn't trust the Lord

985
00:50:41.020 --> 00:50:42.100
to bring me a whole man

986
00:50:42.100 --> 00:50:44.100
and I didn't feel worthy of a whole man.

987
00:50:44.100 --> 00:50:45.700
So Lord, right now, Holy Spirit,

988
00:50:45.700 --> 00:50:48.260
will you bring to the surface,

989
00:50:48.260 --> 00:50:52.420
what is the belief that's driving limerence?

990
00:50:52.420 --> 00:50:54.700
Or what's the fear that's driving limerence?

991
00:50:57.140 --> 00:50:58.060
Just jot it down.

992
00:50:58.060 --> 00:51:00.460
I'm just gonna hold and pause here for a second.

993
00:51:04.340 --> 00:51:05.180
Okay.

994
00:51:06.860 --> 00:51:09.480
So then I want you to write,

995
00:51:09.480 --> 00:51:10.620
you can come back and do this later,

996
00:51:10.620 --> 00:51:12.820
but you're gonna write down what is the belief?

997
00:51:14.380 --> 00:51:15.860
And if you're not dealing with limerence, that's okay.

998
00:51:15.860 --> 00:51:19.100
You may still have, you may still have a lie or a belief

999
00:51:19.100 --> 00:51:20.820
that the Lord wants to surface.

1000
00:51:20.820 --> 00:51:22.740
What is believing it make you feel or do?

1001
00:51:22.740 --> 00:51:24.340
What evidence actually supports it today?

1002
00:51:24.340 --> 00:51:25.740
You can do this later in your private time.

1003
00:51:25.740 --> 00:51:27.940
What does scripture say that challenges or reframes it?

1004
00:51:28.820 --> 00:51:29.660
And what would I choose?

1005
00:51:29.660 --> 00:51:34.540
Okay, so this is what I want you guys to talk about in this.

1006
00:51:34.540 --> 00:51:39.460
And I want you to pick one of these.

1007
00:51:39.460 --> 00:51:40.860
What is the belief?

1008
00:51:40.860 --> 00:51:42.820
What is it making me feel or do?

1009
00:51:42.820 --> 00:51:45.320
What is evidence that actually supports it today?

1010
00:51:46.500 --> 00:51:48.180
And so you're not gonna talk about the person

1011
00:51:48.180 --> 00:51:49.140
that you may be struggling with.

1012
00:51:49.140 --> 00:51:50.380
If you're not struggling with this,

1013
00:51:50.380 --> 00:51:52.500
or maybe you have in the past, that's okay.

1014
00:51:52.500 --> 00:51:54.420
You can let other people share.

1015
00:51:54.420 --> 00:51:57.500
But I want you to at least be vulnerable

1016
00:51:58.100 --> 00:51:59.980
with this lie, because the reason that I want you to share

1017
00:51:59.980 --> 00:52:02.700
what the belief or what the fear or the lie is,

1018
00:52:02.700 --> 00:52:06.340
is because it gets disarmed when it comes into the light.

1019
00:52:06.340 --> 00:52:09.000
So if I'm just sitting here thinking,

1020
00:52:10.060 --> 00:52:13.700
well, Lord, I just, I give to you the fact that I feel like

1021
00:52:13.700 --> 00:52:15.800
I'll never be worthy of a whole man.

1022
00:52:15.800 --> 00:52:18.140
Well, I have no accountability to that.

1023
00:52:18.140 --> 00:52:21.780
But if I tell Jill, or I tell Gail, or I tell Tiffany,

1024
00:52:21.780 --> 00:52:23.780
hey, I'm struggling with this belief.

1025
00:52:23.820 --> 00:52:27.580
Guess what? Tiffany will call me out on,

1026
00:52:27.580 --> 00:52:29.340
hey, girl, you're living out of that lie.

1027
00:52:29.340 --> 00:52:31.620
Or Jill's gonna be like, I think that you should,

1028
00:52:31.620 --> 00:52:33.540
this is actually how they would probably say this.

1029
00:52:33.540 --> 00:52:35.340
Jill would be like, I think you should take that to the Lord

1030
00:52:35.340 --> 00:52:37.340
because I think you're believing that lie,

1031
00:52:37.340 --> 00:52:38.780
in a particular conversation.

1032
00:52:38.780 --> 00:52:41.940
So when we bring it into the light, into community,

1033
00:52:41.940 --> 00:52:44.880
the lie doesn't get to have root in the same way

1034
00:52:44.880 --> 00:52:46.020
as if we're just dwelling on it.

1035
00:52:46.020 --> 00:52:47.780
So that's why I want you to take what is the belief?

1036
00:52:47.780 --> 00:52:48.620
What's the lie?

1037
00:52:48.620 --> 00:52:49.440
What's the thing?

1038
00:52:49.440 --> 00:52:50.900
And you're gonna bring that.

1039
00:52:50.900 --> 00:52:52.220
And then if you wanna add something else

1040
00:52:52.220 --> 00:52:53.900
from one of these questions, that's totally great.

1041
00:52:53.900 --> 00:52:58.900
Okay, so we're gonna do four minutes,

1042
00:53:00.660 --> 00:53:04.240
and there's gonna be four of you in a room.

1043
00:53:04.240 --> 00:53:09.240
So that means that five of you in a room,

1044
00:53:09.620 --> 00:53:11.100
everybody has about one minute,

1045
00:53:11.100 --> 00:53:13.080
little less than one minute, all right?

1046
00:53:13.080 --> 00:53:16.300
And then after that, we're gonna go to some practicals.

1047
00:53:16.300 --> 00:53:17.780
Okay, ready, set, go.

1048
00:53:22.220 --> 00:53:27.220
Where's my group?

1049
00:53:40.940 --> 00:53:42.020
They're coming.

1050
00:53:42.020 --> 00:53:43.380
You may have to accept it.

1051
00:54:52.220 --> 00:54:53.220
They're coming.

1052
00:54:53.220 --> 00:54:55.220
You may have to accept it.

1053
00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:01.000
Thank you.

1054
00:56:01.000 --> 00:56:02.000
Bye.

1055
00:56:02.000 --> 00:56:02.000


1056
00:56:30.000 --> 00:56:31.000
Bye.

1057
00:56:31.000 --> 00:56:32.000
Bye.

1058
00:56:32.000 --> 00:56:33.000
Bye.

1059
00:56:33.000 --> 00:56:33.000


1060
00:57:01.000 --> 00:57:06.000
All right.

1061
00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:09.000
Great. I'm gonna give everybody just a second.

1062
00:57:09.000 --> 00:57:13.000
A second or we'll come back.

1063
00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:18.000
Welcome back.

1064
00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:22.000
Hopefully that.

1065
00:57:22.000 --> 00:57:25.000
Yeah, I said.

1066
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:27.000
I'm going to save some time at the end for Q and A.

1067
00:57:27.000 --> 00:57:31.000
So if you have any questions.

1068
00:57:31.000 --> 00:57:38.000
Well, I think we should have some time for that.

1069
00:57:38.000 --> 00:57:41.000
I want to say thank you guys for being so attentive. I'm glad.

1070
00:57:41.000 --> 00:57:45.000
I'm like catching up on the chat.

1071
00:57:45.000 --> 00:57:47.000
Somebody asked about.

1072
00:57:47.000 --> 00:57:51.000
Oh, there was a really good question in here.

1073
00:57:51.000 --> 00:57:56.000
Okay. Well, I'm, I'm glad to know this is resonating.

1074
00:57:56.000 --> 00:57:58.000
Okay.

1075
00:57:58.000 --> 00:58:05.000
This is a really good.

1076
00:58:05.000 --> 00:58:09.000
I cannot take credit for this. This is actually from a therapist.

1077
00:58:09.000 --> 00:58:17.000
I don't know her name right now, but when.

1078
00:58:17.000 --> 00:58:18.000
The thought hits,

1079
00:58:18.000 --> 00:58:21.000
because we remember we're responsible not for the fact that these are

1080
00:58:21.000 --> 00:58:23.000
involuntary thoughts. You're not responsible for like,

1081
00:58:23.000 --> 00:58:25.000
Oh, I'm so sorry. If you were not in a group, that was a weird glitch.

1082
00:58:25.000 --> 00:58:27.000
So.

1083
00:58:27.000 --> 00:58:29.000
If you, if you guys want, if we have extra time at the end, we can,

1084
00:58:29.000 --> 00:58:43.000
you guys can do like little breakouts, but.

1085
00:58:43.000 --> 00:58:46.000
You're not responsible for when the thought hits you're responsible for

1086
00:58:46.000 --> 00:58:47.000
what you do after the thought hits.

1087
00:58:47.000 --> 00:58:51.000
And so this is a really good acronym called that's again from a

1088
00:58:51.000 --> 00:58:54.000
therapist. And the first thing is validate. So.

1089
00:58:54.000 --> 00:58:55.000
This is a really good acronym.

1090
00:58:55.000 --> 00:58:57.000
This is a really good acronym for suppressing a thought.

1091
00:58:57.000 --> 00:59:00.000
So suppressing a thought actually makes it more salient plainly,

1092
00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:02.000
because here's the thing suppressing a thought.

1093
00:59:02.000 --> 00:59:03.000
This is what the research shows.

1094
00:59:03.000 --> 00:59:05.000
Suppressing a thought actually makes it more salient.

1095
00:59:05.000 --> 00:59:06.000
It makes it more permanent.

1096
00:59:06.000 --> 00:59:09.000
So we validate it first before doing anything else, because again,

1097
00:59:09.000 --> 00:59:10.000
then by bringing it into the light,

1098
00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:12.000
it automatically starts to lose power.

1099
00:59:12.000 --> 00:59:16.000
So altering it is not lose is not making it have forced positivity.

1100
00:59:16.000 --> 00:59:18.000
We're like taking the thought captive.

1101
00:59:18.000 --> 00:59:21.000
And putting it under submission to Jesus, right?

1102
00:59:21.000 --> 00:59:22.000
So we're going to validate it.

1103
00:59:22.000 --> 00:59:23.000
Name the thought.

1104
00:59:23.000 --> 00:59:24.000
That's not true.

1105
00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:25.000
That's not real.

1106
00:59:25.000 --> 00:59:26.000
That's not reality.

1107
00:59:26.000 --> 00:59:27.000
Okay.

1108
00:59:27.000 --> 00:59:29.000
So then I'm going to remind myself of a truer thought.

1109
00:59:29.000 --> 00:59:32.000
We're going to alter the thought and we're going to apply truth to it.

1110
00:59:32.000 --> 00:59:35.000
So this is when I told you earlier, I had that note in my phone.

1111
00:59:35.000 --> 00:59:37.000
This, this was me doing vats without knowing.

1112
00:59:37.000 --> 00:59:39.000
This is what it was. I would validate.

1113
00:59:39.000 --> 00:59:40.000
I have this thought about John.

1114
00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:42.000
Well, my hope is not in the Lord. Then I would alter it.

1115
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:44.000
I bring a truer reality.

1116
00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:46.000
My hope is in the Lord, not in a man.

1117
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:48.000
Cause that's the true reality, right?

1118
00:59:48.000 --> 00:59:54.000
Underlying fear is I need this man to validate me so that I can feel worthy.

1119
00:59:54.000 --> 00:59:58.000
Well, a truer reality is my hope is in the Lord, not in a man.

1120
00:59:58.000 --> 01:00:00.000
I don't have to fear being vulnerable.

1121
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.480
God has a husband for me. John has only seen me as a friend. If he feels differently, he's going

1122
01:00:04.480 --> 01:00:09.760
to say so. I had to ground in something reality. And then you look at the evidence actually in

1123
01:00:09.760 --> 01:00:15.840
front of you. John does not see me as he only sees me as a friend. He's told me. And so if

1124
01:00:15.840 --> 01:00:23.840
he feels differently, he's going to say so because he's a grown man and despite behaviors. And then

1125
01:00:24.560 --> 01:00:29.680
I've changed what I'm physically doing or mentally doing. And I do something different

1126
01:00:29.680 --> 01:00:36.240
because again, your body is wanting to produce neurochemicals. So if I'm recognizing you guys,

1127
01:00:36.240 --> 01:00:39.520
do y'all ever get the things where like Instagram's telling you that you're doom scrolling

1128
01:00:39.520 --> 01:00:43.840
while you're doom scrolling? Well, that's your brain looking for dopamine. Dopamine is a pleasure

1129
01:00:43.840 --> 01:00:48.000
seeking thing. They did research. So y'all probably don't know this about me, but my

1130
01:00:48.000 --> 01:00:53.280
master's is actually in neuroscience. So I'm a real big nerd about the brain and brain health

1131
01:00:53.280 --> 01:00:57.280
and emotions and thoughts and feelings and all that, which is part of why Jackie was like,

1132
01:00:57.280 --> 01:01:03.840
will you talk about this? So the research on dopamine, when they were researching Parkinson's

1133
01:01:03.840 --> 01:01:10.560
drugs years ago, do you know who they tested it on? They tested it on people who, on compulsive

1134
01:01:10.560 --> 01:01:15.680
gamblers. And they had people that went and compulsively gambled because they were testing

1135
01:01:15.680 --> 01:01:23.440
their dopamine to see because gambling gives you that dopamine hit. Right. So I just, this,

1136
01:01:23.440 --> 01:01:27.680
that's just such a practical thing. And it's something easy to remember. You're like,

1137
01:01:27.680 --> 01:01:32.000
limerence is hitting, you want it, you know, you're like seeing something I'm going to validate.

1138
01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:35.600
I'm going to alter. I'm going to give it a truth. Look at the evidence in front of me. And then I'm

1139
01:01:35.600 --> 01:01:40.880
going to switch and do something different. Okay. So here's some scenarios. We're going to do some

1140
01:01:41.200 --> 01:01:47.200
practice real quick. The unanswered text. How many of us have this, right? They haven't replied.

1141
01:01:47.200 --> 01:01:52.080
Maybe I said something wrong. Validate. Well, I'm anxious because they haven't replied.

1142
01:01:52.960 --> 01:01:58.960
Alter and say, and remind yourself of a truer interpretation. Well, a delayed response can

1143
01:01:58.960 --> 01:02:04.720
mean many things. What is the truth? I have no evidence that this means rejection or hidden

1144
01:02:04.720 --> 01:02:09.680
romantic significance. So it could go either way. The overall consistency matters more than one text.

1145
01:02:09.680 --> 01:02:13.680
We're going to see who they are over time. Switch, put the phone down and go do the next thing in

1146
01:02:13.680 --> 01:02:19.280
your actual life. Another one, social media. He watched my story immediately. She watched my story

1147
01:02:19.280 --> 01:02:24.640
immediately. That must mean they're still thinking about me. Validate. Well, I noticed that that

1148
01:02:24.640 --> 01:02:30.000
person watched my, my social media and part of me wants it to mean something, but social media

1149
01:02:30.000 --> 01:02:34.720
interaction is not a declaration. He's not telling me, she's not telling me that she's into me.

1150
01:02:35.600 --> 01:02:39.360
Well, the truth is what is this person actually communicated or done relationally

1151
01:02:39.920 --> 01:02:43.920
in real life? Switch, close the app, move your attention somewhere intentional.

1152
01:02:45.040 --> 01:02:49.280
Another one. She said she doesn't relation. She said she doesn't want a relationship. How many

1153
01:02:49.280 --> 01:02:56.320
of us have done this, but I think she's scared. Well, validate. What am I actually feeling?

1154
01:02:56.320 --> 01:03:02.320
I really don't want her answer to be final, but what is a truer interpretation? I don't need to

1155
01:03:02.320 --> 01:03:08.720
explain away her words. The truth is the clearest evidence I have today is that she said, no switch,

1156
01:03:08.720 --> 01:03:12.720
stop reanalyzing, reenter your own life. Maybe you need to get back in the dating pool.

1157
01:03:14.640 --> 01:03:19.680
We got two more. This felt different. Maybe this is my husband who y'all have felt this.

1158
01:03:20.480 --> 01:03:26.080
Oh, I was on a date with a man that was walking parade of yellow flags, but it felt different.

1159
01:03:27.200 --> 01:03:31.200
Actually, my best friend is the one who freaked out. And I was like, and I had Jackie's tools

1160
01:03:31.200 --> 01:03:36.000
and Renee's tools and Bethany's tools and heartwork. And so I had to tell my best friend,

1161
01:03:36.000 --> 01:03:40.880
Hey, I'm really excited about this person, but this excitement is information. It's not a prophecy.

1162
01:03:40.880 --> 01:03:44.800
I literally had to feed this back to my best friend. I know we had one great date,

1163
01:03:44.800 --> 01:03:48.160
but I don't know this person's character, their consistency or compatibility yet.

1164
01:03:48.160 --> 01:03:52.800
So you know what I did? I kept dating. I enjoyed my life. I let the next date simply be the next

1165
01:03:52.800 --> 01:03:57.280
date. It shouldn't have actually been a second date, but I learned a lot. It was great. All

1166
01:03:57.280 --> 01:04:00.400
right. I prayed about him. Y'all I'd mentioned this earlier about me. I prayed about him. And

1167
01:04:00.400 --> 01:04:05.040
then his name showed up three times today. I buried a succulent in the field. And then guess

1168
01:04:05.040 --> 01:04:10.480
who planted a succulent the next day and posted it all over his Insta stories, John. Well,

1169
01:04:10.480 --> 01:04:15.680
I want reassurance that this desire has meaning. That's really the feeling behind the thing,

1170
01:04:15.680 --> 01:04:21.360
right? What is the, the truer interpretation? My brain naturally notices things that are

1171
01:04:21.360 --> 01:04:25.520
emotionally significant to me. It's called the availability heuristic guys. That's why when we

1172
01:04:25.520 --> 01:04:30.240
see you, you know, you see a red, uh, mini Cooper, and then you buy a red mini Cooper,

1173
01:04:30.240 --> 01:04:33.120
and then you start seeing red mini Coopers everywhere. It's called the availability

1174
01:04:33.120 --> 01:04:39.360
heuristic. And when it's emotionally significant, it's even more, um, pattern recognition in your

1175
01:04:39.360 --> 01:04:43.360
brain. The truth is God can guide me, but scripture tells me to test things. Coincidence

1176
01:04:43.360 --> 01:04:47.840
does not override character, wisdom, availability, or another person's agency, autonomy, or their

1177
01:04:47.840 --> 01:04:53.120
ability to say yes or no. So switch, stop hunting for signs, turn a prayer scripture community.

1178
01:04:53.120 --> 01:04:56.720
That's usually what I'm going to go tell on myself. That's what I would do personally now.

1179
01:04:57.280 --> 01:04:59.840
Okay. Last one. They disappeared for three weeks. Now they texted me.

1180
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:02.040
Maybe they realized they missed me.

1181
01:05:02.040 --> 01:05:04.760
Well, what's the feeling behind it?

1182
01:05:04.760 --> 01:05:07.160
This contact reignited hope in me.

1183
01:05:07.160 --> 01:05:08.800
What's the truer thing?

1184
01:05:08.800 --> 01:05:12.020
One moment of attention doesn't establish a new pattern.

1185
01:05:12.020 --> 01:05:14.920
Truth is consistency is demonstrated over time.

1186
01:05:14.920 --> 01:05:17.240
Don't emotionally fast forward, observe what happens next.

1187
01:05:17.240 --> 01:05:18.640
Do you guys see a theme in some of these

1188
01:05:18.640 --> 01:05:21.520
that time plays a factor here?

1189
01:05:21.520 --> 01:05:23.160
So we want time.

1190
01:05:23.160 --> 01:05:25.480
This is a huge way to combat.

1191
01:05:25.480 --> 01:05:27.320
So VATS is a really good tool.

1192
01:05:27.320 --> 01:05:30.280
This is another really big way to combat this.

1193
01:05:30.280 --> 01:05:33.720
Stop feeding limerence and build a bigger life.

1194
01:05:33.720 --> 01:05:34.960
Jackie talks about this a lot.

1195
01:05:34.960 --> 01:05:36.520
Go do things.

1196
01:05:37.480 --> 01:05:39.400
Stop manufacturing exposure.

1197
01:05:39.400 --> 01:05:41.000
Y'all, if you need to mute and unfollow,

1198
01:05:41.000 --> 01:05:42.280
mute and unfollow.

1199
01:05:42.280 --> 01:05:43.440
Stop checking profiles.

1200
01:05:43.440 --> 01:05:44.840
Don't create reasons to see them.

1201
01:05:44.840 --> 01:05:46.160
Don't ask for friends or updates.

1202
01:05:46.160 --> 01:05:48.440
You gotta starve this thing.

1203
01:05:48.440 --> 01:05:50.000
Stop collecting evidence.

1204
01:05:50.000 --> 01:05:52.680
Rumination feels like you're being passive,

1205
01:05:52.680 --> 01:05:54.840
but it can become a practice mental behavior.

1206
01:05:54.840 --> 01:05:57.240
Because remember, if you're feeding it, it's gonna grow.

1207
01:05:57.960 --> 01:05:58.800
And it becomes a loop.

1208
01:05:58.800 --> 01:06:00.040
Here's the other thing.

1209
01:06:00.040 --> 01:06:04.200
If I genuinely trust God and believe that he knows

1210
01:06:04.200 --> 01:06:08.160
who my husband is or your wife is or where they are

1211
01:06:08.160 --> 01:06:09.000
and how to get them to you,

1212
01:06:09.000 --> 01:06:13.000
then I can trust God that he's going to work it out

1213
01:06:13.000 --> 01:06:16.160
even if I mute and unfollow this person.

1214
01:06:16.160 --> 01:06:17.960
Like you can't, I love that phrase,

1215
01:06:17.960 --> 01:06:19.360
like you can't mess it up.

1216
01:06:19.360 --> 01:06:22.200
And when you struggle, again, a lot of us

1217
01:06:22.200 --> 01:06:23.800
probably struggle with anxious attachment.

1218
01:06:23.800 --> 01:06:25.260
We think we gotta help God out.

1219
01:06:25.260 --> 01:06:26.800
God does not need us to help him out.

1220
01:06:27.760 --> 01:06:32.680
Don't go bury your head in sand and make it harder,

1221
01:06:32.680 --> 01:06:35.640
but stop manufacturing exposure.

1222
01:06:35.640 --> 01:06:37.080
And then make your life bigger.

1223
01:06:37.080 --> 01:06:40.460
This is why I love, I love, love, love, love, love.

1224
01:06:40.460 --> 01:06:41.880
It was so healthy for me.

1225
01:06:41.880 --> 01:06:43.960
It was so, Jackie, I remember getting on

1226
01:06:43.960 --> 01:06:46.160
an Ask Jackie one time.

1227
01:06:46.160 --> 01:06:50.260
And I was like, this was when I was coming out of limerence

1228
01:06:50.260 --> 01:06:53.680
and I was newly dating after heartwork, right?

1229
01:06:53.680 --> 01:06:54.960
And I remember asking Jackie,

1230
01:06:54.960 --> 01:06:56.080
because I was like dating,

1231
01:06:56.080 --> 01:06:58.800
I had been on like maybe four dates with one dude.

1232
01:06:58.800 --> 01:07:00.280
And then I said something and she goes,

1233
01:07:00.280 --> 01:07:03.240
girl, you need to taste the buffet.

1234
01:07:03.240 --> 01:07:04.680
You haven't even tasted the buffet.

1235
01:07:04.680 --> 01:07:08.000
And you know what, it gave me so much permission.

1236
01:07:08.000 --> 01:07:10.160
Like, I'm not gonna go use and abuse people

1237
01:07:10.160 --> 01:07:11.860
and like, you know, just like date a bunch of people

1238
01:07:11.860 --> 01:07:14.220
all at once and like, you know,

1239
01:07:14.220 --> 01:07:15.440
break hearts and stuff like that.

1240
01:07:15.440 --> 01:07:17.000
Like, I'm not that kind of person.

1241
01:07:17.000 --> 01:07:18.000
None of us should be,

1242
01:07:18.000 --> 01:07:19.360
because we're not gonna objectify people.

1243
01:07:19.360 --> 01:07:21.440
We're not trying to get our needs met through people.

1244
01:07:21.440 --> 01:07:23.960
But I needed the permission to be able

1245
01:07:23.960 --> 01:07:25.120
to date multiple people

1246
01:07:25.120 --> 01:07:28.020
because I was a serial limerent person

1247
01:07:28.020 --> 01:07:28.960
that didn't realize it.

1248
01:07:28.960 --> 01:07:30.940
I would have said I'm a serial monogamist,

1249
01:07:30.940 --> 01:07:33.360
but like it was a monogamy with an idea in my head,

1250
01:07:33.360 --> 01:07:34.960
not actual real people.

1251
01:07:34.960 --> 01:07:38.360
And so this is why I love the rule that we have

1252
01:07:38.360 --> 01:07:40.920
where go, when you're in phase two, you go get seven dates.

1253
01:07:40.920 --> 01:07:42.680
And that's usually seven dates with different people.

1254
01:07:42.680 --> 01:07:43.760
It might be with the same person.

1255
01:07:43.760 --> 01:07:45.680
If you like, you know, you found your spirit mate

1256
01:07:45.680 --> 01:07:48.080
and like date one, then great, good for you.

1257
01:07:48.080 --> 01:07:50.120
But for many of us, we're not.

1258
01:07:50.120 --> 01:07:52.400
And so it's okay when you're in level twos,

1259
01:07:52.400 --> 01:07:55.120
go date multiple people, make your life bigger,

1260
01:07:55.120 --> 01:07:57.240
friendship, community, work, creativity,

1261
01:07:57.240 --> 01:07:59.440
go make something.

1262
01:07:59.440 --> 01:08:00.760
Meaningful challenge.

1263
01:08:00.760 --> 01:08:03.800
Like if you were like,

1264
01:08:03.800 --> 01:08:06.180
I went and got my yellow belt last year in Krav Maga.

1265
01:08:06.180 --> 01:08:08.040
It was so good for me to have a challenge

1266
01:08:08.040 --> 01:08:09.200
that was something I was working towards

1267
01:08:09.200 --> 01:08:12.200
that helped my body, but also like fed my soul.

1268
01:08:12.200 --> 01:08:13.040
And you know what?

1269
01:08:13.040 --> 01:08:14.600
I'm meeting a bunch of hot guys there.

1270
01:08:14.600 --> 01:08:15.440
So yay.

1271
01:08:16.319 --> 01:08:19.040
When we have attachment difficulties,

1272
01:08:19.040 --> 01:08:21.920
we have oftentimes people that struggle with OCD

1273
01:08:21.920 --> 01:08:23.479
often struggle with limerence.

1274
01:08:23.479 --> 01:08:26.479
Maybe you have social connection issues.

1275
01:08:26.479 --> 01:08:29.720
Getting outside of yourself and purposeful activity,

1276
01:08:29.720 --> 01:08:31.680
it helps you regulate your emotions

1277
01:08:31.680 --> 01:08:33.960
rather than just removing the limerent object.

1278
01:08:33.960 --> 01:08:34.800
Cause here's the thing too,

1279
01:08:34.800 --> 01:08:36.600
is you can go from person to person to person

1280
01:08:36.600 --> 01:08:38.160
as your limerent object.

1281
01:08:38.160 --> 01:08:39.720
It's not like it just stops with John.

1282
01:08:39.720 --> 01:08:41.080
It just moves to the next person

1283
01:08:41.080 --> 01:08:43.040
unless you stop and repeat the cycles.

1284
01:08:43.920 --> 01:08:45.399
Okay.

1285
01:08:45.399 --> 01:08:48.300
So I want to apply some scriptures

1286
01:08:48.300 --> 01:08:51.220
because we want to apply truth to this.

1287
01:08:51.260 --> 01:08:53.060
So Romans 12, two,

1288
01:08:54.380 --> 01:08:56.580
don't copy the behavior and customs of this world,

1289
01:08:56.580 --> 01:08:59.319
but let God transform you into a new person

1290
01:08:59.319 --> 01:09:00.859
by changing the way you think.

1291
01:09:00.859 --> 01:09:02.700
That's everything we're talking about tonight.

1292
01:09:02.700 --> 01:09:04.319
Then you will learn to know God's will for you,

1293
01:09:04.319 --> 01:09:06.819
which is good and pleasing and perfect.

1294
01:09:06.819 --> 01:09:09.439
So what pattern of thinking in you

1295
01:09:09.439 --> 01:09:12.660
does the Lord need to come and work some transformation in?

1296
01:09:12.660 --> 01:09:14.939
That's what I would ask you tonight.

1297
01:09:14.939 --> 01:09:17.760
Second Corinthians 10, five

1298
01:09:17.760 --> 01:09:20.020
is helping us capture our thoughts.

1299
01:09:20.020 --> 01:09:22.340
We destroy every proud obstacle

1300
01:09:22.340 --> 01:09:24.260
that keeps us from knowing God.

1301
01:09:24.260 --> 01:09:25.880
We capture the rebellious thoughts

1302
01:09:25.880 --> 01:09:27.460
and we teach them to obey Christ.

1303
01:09:27.460 --> 01:09:29.200
I mentioned that earlier in a different translation.

1304
01:09:29.200 --> 01:09:30.540
We take every thought captive

1305
01:09:30.540 --> 01:09:32.660
and put it under submission to Jesus.

1306
01:09:32.660 --> 01:09:34.380
Sometimes for y'all, for me,

1307
01:09:34.380 --> 01:09:36.220
like what I will do is I will,

1308
01:09:37.340 --> 01:09:40.220
and this, yeah, this can be a,

1309
01:09:41.300 --> 01:09:43.740
well, let me say it and then I'll say the caveat.

1310
01:09:44.819 --> 01:09:46.700
What I often will do is I'll say,

1311
01:09:46.700 --> 01:09:49.140
Lord, I give you that thought, renew my mind.

1312
01:09:49.180 --> 01:09:52.899
Or Lord, I take that thought and I submit it to you.

1313
01:09:52.899 --> 01:09:56.000
Now, if you struggle with looping thoughts,

1314
01:09:56.000 --> 01:09:58.860
like I sometimes do, because I struggle with anxiety,

1315
01:09:58.860 --> 01:09:59.900
I also have.

1316
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.080
to sometimes fast praying and like sit here and like capture all my thoughts. And I'm like, Lord,

1317
01:10:04.720 --> 01:10:10.400
thank you that you are good. And I just stopped there. And I just rest in his goodness rather

1318
01:10:10.400 --> 01:10:14.080
than trying to be like, capture that, capture that, capture that, because that can become

1319
01:10:14.080 --> 01:10:18.160
a loop and a cycle itself, right? So sometimes I just have to rest in the character and goodness

1320
01:10:18.160 --> 01:10:22.640
of God. And there's a scripture in James, can't tell you where right now, but there's a scripture

1321
01:10:22.640 --> 01:10:27.920
in James that I love so much. Yeah, Melissa, you say the irony, but I didn't realize, I don't

1322
01:10:27.920 --> 01:10:31.440
struggle with OCD, but I have people in my family that struggle with OCD, but I do struggle with

1323
01:10:31.440 --> 01:10:36.800
anxiety. And that's really common. Um, there's actually even something called, um, can't remember

1324
01:10:36.800 --> 01:10:41.120
it right now, but it's a specific type of OCD that has to do with religion religiosity. But

1325
01:10:41.120 --> 01:10:45.520
there's a scripture in James that says that when your heart condemns you, the Lord knows all things

1326
01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:49.760
and is greater than your heart. And one of the things that's been so freeing for me is to say,

1327
01:10:49.760 --> 01:10:55.520
okay, Lord, I have given you my thoughts. I've given you my thought, my heart and my heart is

1328
01:10:55.520 --> 01:11:00.560
still condemning me. So Lord, I thank you that you are, you know, all things and you're greater

1329
01:11:00.560 --> 01:11:05.440
than my heart. And I'm going to rest in your character because scrupulosity that's religious

1330
01:11:05.440 --> 01:11:11.920
OCD, Lord, I'm going to rest in your character because you are good and you are greater than,

1331
01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:15.920
you know, all things and you're greater than my heart. So there's finding that balance here of

1332
01:11:15.920 --> 01:11:20.800
like taking every thought captive and then also saying, Lord, I just rest and I trust you. Okay.

1333
01:11:20.800 --> 01:11:27.840
Philippians 4, 8. I love this one. Now, dear brothers and sisters, finally, one thing,

1334
01:11:28.480 --> 01:11:33.600
fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right and pure and lovely and admirable.

1335
01:11:33.600 --> 01:11:39.120
Think about the things that are worthy, excellent and worthy of praise. So thank you. First John

1336
01:11:39.120 --> 01:11:44.160
3, 20. It's not James. It's John. I knew it was towards the end of the Bible. First John 3, 20.

1337
01:11:44.160 --> 01:11:50.080
If your heart condemns you, that's that one. Philippians 4, 8. I want you to say when your

1338
01:11:50.080 --> 01:11:54.880
mind is starting to ruminate, this is our backstop. Start with the first thing in that list

1339
01:11:54.880 --> 01:11:59.680
is not, Hey, whatever's lovely and admirable. Oh man. John's so lovely. John's so admirable.

1340
01:11:59.680 --> 01:12:04.480
The future that we're going to have together. Nope. We start with what is true. What is true?

1341
01:12:04.480 --> 01:12:10.080
Am I in relationship with John? Are we headed in a marriage minded courtship towards marriage? Nope.

1342
01:12:10.080 --> 01:12:16.720
So that's true. So the thought needs to stop. And that's when I submit. So, so whatever fix

1343
01:12:16.720 --> 01:12:21.680
your thoughts on whatever's true, honorable, right? Pure, lovely, admirable. Think on these

1344
01:12:21.680 --> 01:12:28.320
things. So if it's not true, we're not going to submit our mind to it. Romans 8, 1. This is what

1345
01:12:28.320 --> 01:12:34.240
I love. There's therefore now known condemnation for those who belong in Christ Jesus. We expose

1346
01:12:34.240 --> 01:12:40.000
limerence to truth, not to humiliation, not to shame. When your heart condemns you, the Lord

1347
01:12:40.000 --> 01:12:45.440
knows all things and is greater than your heart. There is no shame. There's no condemnation for

1348
01:12:45.440 --> 01:12:52.080
those who belong in Christ Jesus. First Thessalonians 5.21, but test everything that he

1349
01:12:52.080 --> 01:12:56.960
said, hold on to what is good. Okay. So I'm going to run through this real fast and give time for

1350
01:12:56.960 --> 01:13:02.720
questions. When to get help. I will say Jackie told me to say this, but I do coaching as well.

1351
01:13:02.720 --> 01:13:09.680
So on, and we have amazing peer coaches, not just me, but you can go on to JackieDorman.com.

1352
01:13:09.680 --> 01:13:16.000
And if you want to book coaching sessions, you can do that by the package or by multiple. I'm

1353
01:13:16.000 --> 01:13:22.160
not a licensed therapist. So if you are needing more help than the coaching that we can provide

1354
01:13:22.160 --> 01:13:29.200
in peer coaching this would be a good we're available, but also therapy is also really

1355
01:13:29.200 --> 01:13:33.280
great. Another story for another day. If your thoughts are consuming hours of your day,

1356
01:13:33.280 --> 01:13:39.440
if your sleep or work or functioning are affected, if obsessive behaviors feel uncontrollable,

1357
01:13:39.440 --> 01:13:44.000
if the pattern repeatedly transfers to new people, if trauma is involved, if you're like,

1358
01:13:44.000 --> 01:13:49.680
man, I score like 10 out of 10 on the adverse childhood experiences. You should probably seek

1359
01:13:49.680 --> 01:13:54.720
extra help if significant anxiety or depression accompanies it. I was struggling with significant

1360
01:13:54.720 --> 01:13:59.840
anxiety. At the same time, I was struggling with limerence. So the limerence was not

1361
01:13:59.840 --> 01:14:04.480
aggravating the anxiety, but it was certainly not helping it. It is a lot of work dating multiple

1362
01:14:04.480 --> 01:14:12.960
people, Linda. Okay. What I want to remind you guys here, this is what's so cool. I don't know

1363
01:14:12.960 --> 01:14:17.920
at what point I stopped having limerence with John. It was well into heartwork. I took me a year

1364
01:14:17.920 --> 01:14:24.480
to do heartwork, to be honest. And I was doing therapy at the same time. I was doing EMDR and

1365
01:14:24.480 --> 01:14:30.560
cognitive behavioral therapy with a licensed trained therapist. John didn't change. This man,

1366
01:14:30.560 --> 01:14:36.800
as far as I know, this man is still single and, um, somewhere not in my city anymore.

1367
01:14:37.600 --> 01:14:43.120
He didn't change. I changed. I not only no longer have the desire for him and it didn't get

1368
01:14:43.120 --> 01:14:50.080
replaced with somebody else, but I have this core root knowledge that my heart knows now that it

1369
01:14:50.080 --> 01:14:57.120
didn't know then, um, the Lord has a husband for me that he will bring. The Lord will honor me.

1370
01:14:57.120 --> 01:14:59.680
I don't, my hope is not in him.

1371
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.180
a man. It's in the Lord. God began not once God began healing what John represented.

1372
01:15:05.180 --> 01:15:09.500
I didn't need John to represent it anymore. I also didn't need my ex-fiance to represent

1373
01:15:09.500 --> 01:15:14.060
what he was representing. The Lord healed that, but I didn't realize that I was still

1374
01:15:14.060 --> 01:15:18.220
dealing with the broken parts from John. Even after the ex-fiance, the Lord's like, here,

1375
01:15:18.220 --> 01:15:22.060
I'm going to do two in one. And we're also going to heal all of the other patterns from

1376
01:15:22.060 --> 01:15:27.820
like I told y'all I had a limerent crush in high school. That man showed up at my church

1377
01:15:27.820 --> 01:15:33.020
like a year ago. I had to go do some hard work again. And that was so good. The Lord's

1378
01:15:33.020 --> 01:15:36.940
like, we're going to clean it all up. And I'm sure there will be, I mean, it's going

1379
01:15:36.940 --> 01:15:41.060
to be hard work forever until Jesus comes. Okay. As we close, and I'm going to give some

1380
01:15:41.060 --> 01:15:47.660
time for questions. I want to remind us all that interest is not the same thing as covenant.

1381
01:15:47.660 --> 01:15:54.620
We don't make covenant until we are at the altar before the Lord. So even dating is not

1382
01:15:54.620 --> 01:15:58.220
covenant. It's not the same thing. So somebody showing interest in me does not mean I'm

1383
01:15:58.220 --> 01:16:02.780
marrying them. It's not a covenant. Chemistry is not the same thing as character and potential

1384
01:16:02.780 --> 01:16:09.420
is not the same thing as partnership. So digest that it's going to take a little while. And

1385
01:16:09.420 --> 01:16:16.780
this is something that like, as we're growing in affection in our level one, level two,

1386
01:16:16.780 --> 01:16:21.020
level three relationships, keeping this at the forefront of like being interested in

1387
01:16:21.020 --> 01:16:25.420
having chemistry with you, having the potential of what this could be is not the same thing as

1388
01:16:26.060 --> 01:16:31.100
what I'm going to see over time of is your character standing up? Are we forming a

1389
01:16:31.100 --> 01:16:36.060
partnership in a marriage minded relationship? Are we going to make covenant? And the Lord

1390
01:16:36.060 --> 01:16:43.580
will make that clear as trust grows, as we are merging together into one, but that definitely

1391
01:16:43.580 --> 01:16:47.900
doesn't come like you can't merge into one with the idea of somebody in the back of your head.

1392
01:16:48.060 --> 01:16:53.420
Learning to tolerate uncertainty is a huge part of this. I don't know. I don't know if this man

1393
01:16:53.420 --> 01:16:56.540
is going to like me. I don't know if this chick is going to like me. I don't know if this is going

1394
01:16:56.540 --> 01:17:02.460
to be anything, but I can still live my life. I can be okay. I can. Attention is not affection

1395
01:17:02.460 --> 01:17:06.300
or intention. I love that. I'm so sorry. I got distracted by the comments. Megan just said

1396
01:17:06.300 --> 01:17:13.180
attention is not intention. I love that. That's so good. Adding that attention is not intention,

1397
01:17:13.340 --> 01:17:19.020
attention is not intention, but I don't know. And I can still live my life. And again,

1398
01:17:19.020 --> 01:17:24.460
addressing what's behind limerence is oftentimes fear. And I'm not going to partner with control

1399
01:17:24.460 --> 01:17:30.780
and manipulation in Jesus name. I'm going to partner with what the Lord says about who I am.

1400
01:17:30.780 --> 01:17:36.460
Y'all identity work is a huge part of this. Getting firm in who your identity and your worth

1401
01:17:37.340 --> 01:17:41.980
is a huge part of being free of limerence. And that's why we go back to heartwork. And that's

1402
01:17:41.980 --> 01:17:50.540
also why we make our life bigger. Right? Okay. So questions like this, did they secretly like

1403
01:17:50.540 --> 01:17:55.020
me? Why didn't it work? Did I miss my chance? Will they return? The reality is some of these

1404
01:17:55.020 --> 01:17:59.820
questions never get answered and that's survivable. Do I think that John could have made a great

1405
01:17:59.820 --> 01:18:06.700
partner? I healed whole version of him for sure. Am I still waiting on that? Nope. It's I don't

1406
01:18:06.700 --> 01:18:12.060
know why I'll never have questions answered, but it's okay. I don't need to. We, you didn't miss

1407
01:18:12.060 --> 01:18:15.740
your chance. If there's still hope in your heart and there's still breath in your lungs, like

1408
01:18:16.540 --> 01:18:21.820
the Lord still has a story he's writing and his story he's writing is way, way, way better than

1409
01:18:21.820 --> 01:18:26.620
any story we could write for ourselves. That's why we in heartwork surrender the pen to him,

1410
01:18:26.620 --> 01:18:30.700
right? Because we're trusting him with the story he's already written. He already wrote it. It's

1411
01:18:30.700 --> 01:18:36.140
in the book of life that before your days were numbered, he wrote it. So all of these questions,

1412
01:18:36.140 --> 01:18:41.100
we get to live in the tension of the uncertainty and recognize that God is still in control,

1413
01:18:41.100 --> 01:18:46.060
even if our brains can't understand it. Okay. Last part. What does freedom look like?

1414
01:18:47.260 --> 01:18:52.380
It looks like desire without desperation that I can acknowledge. I told you guys, like I have a

1415
01:18:52.380 --> 01:18:57.020
crush on a dude at church. Like I can call it what it is. Somebody said it to me the other day. And

1416
01:18:57.020 --> 01:19:00.620
I was like, I've had a crush on this dude for a year. Like, I don't know if anything's going to

1417
01:19:00.620 --> 01:19:06.780
happen. I can have interest and desire without it being desperation. Did I show up at an event

1418
01:19:06.780 --> 01:19:12.300
that he was at? Yeah. I show up at events where other people are at. It's not desperation. That's

1419
01:19:12.300 --> 01:19:17.340
different. It can be attraction without obsession. It can be hope without fantasy. It can be

1420
01:19:17.340 --> 01:19:23.260
discernment without projection. I'm not trying to figure it out in the future. We love without

1421
01:19:23.260 --> 01:19:28.940
objectifying. And we give people agency and autonomy without controlling the outcome,

1422
01:19:28.940 --> 01:19:33.740
controlling them, controlling what we think needs to happen. Um, it's identity without romantic

1423
01:19:33.740 --> 01:19:41.580
validation and surrender without denying desire. Right? Okay. What to take with you. I want you

1424
01:19:41.580 --> 01:19:45.980
to name it without shaming yourself. Like we talked about earlier with the, with the, uh,

1425
01:19:45.980 --> 01:19:51.180
vats I'm experiencing, I'm experiencing limerence. It's not a verdict on you. And it's not a sign

1426
01:19:51.180 --> 01:19:57.660
about them run the vats when the thought hits or whatever your version of that is, um, apply truth

1427
01:19:57.660 --> 01:19:59.900
every time until it's a habit. And then

1428
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.860
Stop beating it, build a bigger life.

1429
01:20:01.860 --> 01:20:04.100
Freedom is rarely only about making them smaller.

1430
01:20:04.100 --> 01:20:06.380
It's actually about making your life bigger.

1431
01:20:06.380 --> 01:20:08.860
The goal isn't to become somebody who loves less deeply.

1432
01:20:08.860 --> 01:20:12.300
The goal is to become someone who loves truthfully,

1433
01:20:12.300 --> 01:20:14.160
because again, whatever is true.

1434
01:20:15.020 --> 01:20:15.840
I'm gonna say that again.

1435
01:20:15.840 --> 01:20:18.260
The goal isn't to become someone who loves less deeply.

1436
01:20:18.260 --> 01:20:21.740
The goal is to become someone who loves truthfully.

1437
01:20:21.740 --> 01:20:24.900
All right, that is exactly 90 minutes.

1438
01:20:24.900 --> 01:20:29.320
I'm gonna give exactly 20 minutes

1439
01:20:29.320 --> 01:20:32.220
for any questions, up to 20 minutes.

1440
01:20:32.220 --> 01:20:34.340
Doesn't have to be 20 minutes.

1441
01:20:34.340 --> 01:20:37.560
Does anyone wanna unmute or put a question in the chat?

1442
01:20:38.660 --> 01:20:41.660
Is there anything that isn't clear

1443
01:20:41.660 --> 01:20:43.120
or you wanna know more about?

1444
01:20:44.500 --> 01:20:45.840
I have a question.

1445
01:20:47.220 --> 01:20:50.860
I just wanted to kind of,

1446
01:20:50.860 --> 01:20:54.140
because, okay, so I've been thinking about

1447
01:20:55.120 --> 01:21:00.120
not obsessively, and it's not about a person specifically,

1448
01:21:01.360 --> 01:21:04.640
it's more on the ends of, well,

1449
01:21:04.640 --> 01:21:06.640
I desire marriage and all this,

1450
01:21:06.640 --> 01:21:11.480
but a thought's been coming up,

1451
01:21:11.480 --> 01:21:16.480
when does that become idolatry?

1452
01:21:16.560 --> 01:21:19.960
And you kind of hit the word today,

1453
01:21:19.960 --> 01:21:21.360
so I was like, okay, that's good,

1454
01:21:21.360 --> 01:21:24.700
because I've just been asking the Lord,

1455
01:21:26.700 --> 01:21:30.140
is this becoming a little bit idolatry

1456
01:21:30.140 --> 01:21:35.140
to think about it so often, the desire of it?

1457
01:21:38.380 --> 01:21:40.100
I'm not gonna say it's obsessive,

1458
01:21:40.100 --> 01:21:42.860
but it's just, I don't know,

1459
01:21:42.860 --> 01:21:46.580
what's unhealthy, you know what I mean?

1460
01:21:46.580 --> 01:21:47.900
I don't know.

1461
01:21:47.900 --> 01:21:50.200
Is it for you about a specific person

1462
01:21:50.300 --> 01:21:52.020
or just the idea of marriage in general

1463
01:21:52.020 --> 01:21:54.020
and dreaming about what marriage would be like?

1464
01:21:54.020 --> 01:21:57.740
It's the idea, the idea, the desire,

1465
01:21:57.740 --> 01:22:01.460
that we've done so much hard work

1466
01:22:01.460 --> 01:22:05.460
and kind of learned to become,

1467
01:22:05.460 --> 01:22:10.460
and I'm divorced, I've been single for about 12 years,

1468
01:22:11.620 --> 01:22:16.620
so you start to be on that

1469
01:22:17.080 --> 01:22:18.520
after doing so much hard work

1470
01:22:18.520 --> 01:22:22.520
and trying to learn to be a better wife

1471
01:22:22.520 --> 01:22:25.500
and make sure that this time you do it in a God way.

1472
01:22:26.760 --> 01:22:29.280
Yeah, I think, again,

1473
01:22:29.280 --> 01:22:32.280
only the Holy Spirit can convict us, right?

1474
01:22:32.280 --> 01:22:35.740
So for me, I'll put it this way,

1475
01:22:35.740 --> 01:22:39.760
we did vision boards for last year,

1476
01:22:39.760 --> 01:22:41.240
the Single City Dallas event,

1477
01:22:41.240 --> 01:22:43.040
and I thought my vision board was gonna be

1478
01:22:43.040 --> 01:22:45.120
for the calendar year

1479
01:22:45.120 --> 01:22:47.300
and all the things I was gonna do,

1480
01:22:47.300 --> 01:22:49.440
and it ended up being a vision board about my wedding.

1481
01:22:49.440 --> 01:22:51.980
I have spent so much time dreaming about my wedding

1482
01:22:51.980 --> 01:22:54.300
from when I was a little girl to now.

1483
01:22:54.300 --> 01:22:56.420
Are those desires bad?

1484
01:22:56.420 --> 01:22:58.900
No, those are godly desires that He,

1485
01:22:58.900 --> 01:23:00.300
because for me, it's not about a wedding,

1486
01:23:00.300 --> 01:23:04.660
it's about, I'm saying the wedding

1487
01:23:04.660 --> 01:23:06.500
because it's different for me than a marriage.

1488
01:23:06.500 --> 01:23:10.600
For me, a wedding holds a deep, deep, deep significance,

1489
01:23:10.600 --> 01:23:11.820
like I could cry thinking about it.

1490
01:23:11.820 --> 01:23:15.120
I have felt the Lord's heart over my wedding,

1491
01:23:15.120 --> 01:23:17.940
and the Lord has met me in very vulnerable times

1492
01:23:17.940 --> 01:23:20.960
about my wedding because I know it's a prophetic picture

1493
01:23:20.960 --> 01:23:22.640
of the marriage supper of the Lamb.

1494
01:23:22.640 --> 01:23:23.840
That's why I love the wedding so much.

1495
01:23:23.840 --> 01:23:25.160
I used to be a wedding photographer

1496
01:23:25.160 --> 01:23:28.040
and I would cry all the time because I'm like,

1497
01:23:28.040 --> 01:23:30.400
this is the closest thing on this side of eternity,

1498
01:23:30.400 --> 01:23:31.800
a wedding, that we're gonna get

1499
01:23:31.800 --> 01:23:34.120
to the marriage supper of the Lamb.

1500
01:23:34.120 --> 01:23:36.360
God is so excited about this.

1501
01:23:36.360 --> 01:23:38.720
So He put that desire in my heart.

1502
01:23:38.720 --> 01:23:41.900
Now, if I'm at work all day, like, you know,

1503
01:23:41.900 --> 01:23:43.780
planning my wedding to a man

1504
01:23:43.780 --> 01:23:46.740
that isn't currently in my life,

1505
01:23:46.740 --> 01:23:49.240
that's probably not healthy, right?

1506
01:23:49.240 --> 01:23:52.020
So I can acknowledge this desire I did

1507
01:23:52.020 --> 01:23:55.460
in a single city event.

1508
01:23:55.460 --> 01:23:57.300
I did a vision board for this thing,

1509
01:23:57.300 --> 01:24:00.340
and when I see it, I thank the Lord for it.

1510
01:24:00.340 --> 01:24:02.220
I recognize the desire is there,

1511
01:24:02.220 --> 01:24:04.060
but I'm not fixating on it.

1512
01:24:04.060 --> 01:24:08.300
I'm not actively planning a wedding that is not right now.

1513
01:24:08.800 --> 01:24:10.000
It's not in this season of my life.

1514
01:24:10.000 --> 01:24:10.900
And so that's what I would say

1515
01:24:10.900 --> 01:24:12.640
about your desire for marriage.

1516
01:24:12.640 --> 01:24:14.440
If the Lord put it in you,

1517
01:24:14.440 --> 01:24:16.940
honor the desire that He put inside of you

1518
01:24:16.940 --> 01:24:18.400
without it becoming something

1519
01:24:18.400 --> 01:24:21.000
where you're dreaming fantasy.

1520
01:24:21.000 --> 01:24:23.160
Somebody asked in the chat, I think this is so good,

1521
01:24:23.160 --> 01:24:24.920
what's the difference between fantasy and limerence?

1522
01:24:24.920 --> 01:24:27.320
Well, limerence has to thrive on fantasy.

1523
01:24:27.320 --> 01:24:30.680
And that's why I use that image of Ariel with the bust

1524
01:24:30.680 --> 01:24:34.680
because it becomes a graven image even in our mind.

1525
01:24:34.700 --> 01:24:39.700
And so if you're fantasizing and you're ruminating about it,

1526
01:24:40.100 --> 01:24:41.820
then ask the Lord, Lord, have I made this?

1527
01:24:41.820 --> 01:24:44.620
There's the term called vain imaginations.

1528
01:24:44.620 --> 01:24:47.700
And vain imaginations takes two,

1529
01:24:47.700 --> 01:24:50.780
oftentimes we think of it like vain imagination

1530
01:24:50.780 --> 01:24:52.700
as in like, it's something that's about vanity.

1531
01:24:52.700 --> 01:24:56.160
No, vain imagination is I am thinking about something

1532
01:24:56.160 --> 01:24:58.220
that is not for the right here and the right now,

1533
01:24:58.220 --> 01:25:00.060
and I'm ruminating on that.

1534
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:03.680
that becomes a vain imagination, that is sin, right?

1535
01:25:03.680 --> 01:25:05.720
So if it's something that is not for,

1536
01:25:05.720 --> 01:25:07.960
like we have healthy planning and all of that,

1537
01:25:07.960 --> 01:25:10.840
but like I would say when that desire comes up,

1538
01:25:10.840 --> 01:25:14.000
Lord, how can I partner with you in this desire

1539
01:25:14.000 --> 01:25:16.560
that is moving me towards the thing

1540
01:25:16.560 --> 01:25:18.040
you've put at the desire of my heart?

1541
01:25:18.040 --> 01:25:19.880
Lord, what am I supposed to do about this?

1542
01:25:19.880 --> 01:25:23.080
There's a really good question that I love.

1543
01:25:23.080 --> 01:25:26.040
I heard somebody ask, you're always asking the Lord,

1544
01:25:26.040 --> 01:25:28.660
what about this do I need to know

1545
01:25:28.660 --> 01:25:29.840
and what do you want me to do about it?

1546
01:25:30.540 --> 01:25:33.060
And then also, Lord, who do you wanna be to me in this?

1547
01:25:33.060 --> 01:25:34.940
Like, what are you showing me in this?

1548
01:25:34.940 --> 01:25:36.860
So, oh, that's such a good line.

1549
01:25:36.860 --> 01:25:38.820
Limerence is the jet, fantasy is the fuel.

1550
01:25:38.820 --> 01:25:40.700
Thank you, Brandon, that's really good.

1551
01:25:40.700 --> 01:25:42.540
Limerence is the jet, fantasy is the fuel.

1552
01:25:42.540 --> 01:25:44.660
So Rachel, I don't know if that answers your question,

1553
01:25:44.660 --> 01:25:47.900
but I would say the desire in and of itself is godly.

1554
01:25:48.820 --> 01:25:51.660
Thinking about that desire is not wrong.

1555
01:25:51.660 --> 01:25:52.780
Those thoughts are gonna come.

1556
01:25:52.780 --> 01:25:55.060
Yes, dream about, plan for the kind of marriage

1557
01:25:55.060 --> 01:25:55.880
you wanna have.

1558
01:25:55.880 --> 01:25:58.040
Lord, like show me how to partner with you

1559
01:25:58.040 --> 01:25:59.580
for the kind of marriage I wanna have.

1560
01:26:00.280 --> 01:26:01.320
If you're sitting there and thinking about marriage all day,

1561
01:26:01.320 --> 01:26:04.740
but you're not actually like moving towards that thing,

1562
01:26:04.740 --> 01:26:08.500
then you might say, okay, am I sitting in the waiting room,

1563
01:26:08.500 --> 01:26:10.800
sitting on the bench and thinking about this

1564
01:26:10.800 --> 01:26:15.360
rather than taking imperfect action towards the desire?

1565
01:26:15.360 --> 01:26:18.940
If you're thinking about a specific person in that thing

1566
01:26:18.940 --> 01:26:20.640
that you're not actually in relationship with,

1567
01:26:20.640 --> 01:26:21.880
that is limerence.

1568
01:26:21.880 --> 01:26:22.800
Does that make sense?

1569
01:26:22.800 --> 01:26:24.100
Does that help?

1570
01:26:24.100 --> 01:26:25.480
Yeah, it does.

1571
01:26:25.480 --> 01:26:28.920
And it's more also, okay,

1572
01:26:28.940 --> 01:26:32.820
so I continue to try to learn more.

1573
01:26:32.820 --> 01:26:35.540
And it's more on that end.

1574
01:26:35.540 --> 01:26:38.540
It's not really fantasizing with the future,

1575
01:26:38.540 --> 01:26:41.980
but it's more like, okay, I need to learn more.

1576
01:26:41.980 --> 01:26:46.980
I need to continue to get ready and things like that.

1577
01:26:47.660 --> 01:26:48.900
I just sometimes-

1578
01:26:48.900 --> 01:26:50.780
Yeah, and then I would ask the Lord,

1579
01:26:50.780 --> 01:26:52.740
Lord, am I using this as a placeholder

1580
01:26:52.740 --> 01:26:54.500
instead of taking imperfect action?

1581
01:26:56.420 --> 01:26:57.460
That would be my question.

1582
01:26:57.460 --> 01:27:00.440
Lord, am I using this as a way to self-soothe

1583
01:27:00.440 --> 01:27:03.560
instead of taking the risk to move forward

1584
01:27:03.560 --> 01:27:05.360
in what you're calling me to?

1585
01:27:05.360 --> 01:27:07.760
And that's something too, where it may be good,

1586
01:27:07.760 --> 01:27:09.960
and this is where I'll make another plug for coaching.

1587
01:27:09.960 --> 01:27:13.160
Sometimes those kinds of questions

1588
01:27:13.160 --> 01:27:14.400
are really good to dialogue

1589
01:27:14.400 --> 01:27:15.760
with one of the peer coaches about.

1590
01:27:15.760 --> 01:27:18.840
So again, you can go online and there's a bunch of us,

1591
01:27:18.840 --> 01:27:23.720
Carla, Bethany, Ebony, myself, there's a whole bunch.

1592
01:27:24.700 --> 01:27:28.420
And sometimes having somebody just dialogue with you

1593
01:27:28.420 --> 01:27:31.380
and even just kind of see the blind spots

1594
01:27:31.380 --> 01:27:35.220
and ask the Lord with you, that can be good.

1595
01:27:35.220 --> 01:27:36.380
Okay, anybody else?

1596
01:27:36.380 --> 01:27:37.220
Question.

1597
01:27:45.460 --> 01:27:47.000
Good, all of our problems are solved.

1598
01:27:47.000 --> 01:27:47.840
I love it.

1599
01:27:49.580 --> 01:27:51.580
I still have one.

1600
01:27:51.640 --> 01:27:55.720
I still got this fear of what category would this go into?

1601
01:27:55.720 --> 01:27:59.520
I just turned 38 and I still have this fear about,

1602
01:27:59.520 --> 01:28:02.360
and people who said, I never married till I was your age.

1603
01:28:02.360 --> 01:28:03.960
And now that whole thing,

1604
01:28:03.960 --> 01:28:05.680
the more people that said they married older,

1605
01:28:05.680 --> 01:28:06.600
the less fear I am.

1606
01:28:06.600 --> 01:28:08.680
But now the more older I get,

1607
01:28:08.680 --> 01:28:11.640
the more I have this fear about this rat race

1608
01:28:11.640 --> 01:28:14.040
that the enemy keeps putting into my thing

1609
01:28:14.040 --> 01:28:16.160
where I need to go out and get it done.

1610
01:28:16.160 --> 01:28:17.000
Yeah.

1611
01:28:17.000 --> 01:28:19.880
What category does that go into?

1612
01:28:19.900 --> 01:28:21.900
Well, our brain likes to find evidence.

1613
01:28:21.900 --> 01:28:22.980
I don't know the category,

1614
01:28:22.980 --> 01:28:24.500
but our brain likes to find evidence

1615
01:28:24.500 --> 01:28:26.860
for why we're either right or wrong, right?

1616
01:28:26.860 --> 01:28:29.460
And so your brain's probably like, okay, I feel more secure.

1617
01:28:29.460 --> 01:28:30.500
The more evidence I have,

1618
01:28:30.500 --> 01:28:32.340
the other people are getting married later in life.

1619
01:28:32.340 --> 01:28:34.340
So I'm not alone.

1620
01:28:34.340 --> 01:28:39.100
And if there's all the 20 somethings are getting married

1621
01:28:39.100 --> 01:28:42.220
and I don't, you know, then I must be behind.

1622
01:28:42.220 --> 01:28:44.100
So your brain searching for evidence,

1623
01:28:44.100 --> 01:28:46.660
either that you're in the right or you're in the wrong.

1624
01:28:46.660 --> 01:28:48.540
And I think this is where you go back to,

1625
01:28:48.540 --> 01:28:50.840
okay, Lord, you know my story.

1626
01:28:50.840 --> 01:28:52.860
You know the timeline of my life.

1627
01:28:52.860 --> 01:28:54.960
What are you, similar to what I was just saying to Rachel,

1628
01:28:54.960 --> 01:28:57.880
what are you calling me to do to partner with you

1629
01:28:57.880 --> 01:29:00.380
for this thing, for this season of my life?

1630
01:29:00.380 --> 01:29:05.380
And the reality is the Lord can redeem time.

1631
01:29:05.600 --> 01:29:08.880
I have a sister who got married at 46,

1632
01:29:08.880 --> 01:29:11.960
had her first baby, no, yeah, 46,

1633
01:29:11.960 --> 01:29:15.320
had her first baby at 47, is having a second baby at 48.

1634
01:29:15.320 --> 01:29:16.560
The Lord can do anything.

1635
01:29:17.560 --> 01:29:21.980
And like, so he lives outside of time.

1636
01:29:21.980 --> 01:29:23.580
We live inside of time,

1637
01:29:23.580 --> 01:29:27.220
but you are not bound to someone else's story.

1638
01:29:27.220 --> 01:29:28.540
And you're not bound to your idea

1639
01:29:28.540 --> 01:29:29.740
of what the story should be.

1640
01:29:29.740 --> 01:29:31.740
The Lord's the one who's already written the story.

1641
01:29:31.740 --> 01:29:34.820
So I think Hunter, for you, I would ask the Lord,

1642
01:29:34.820 --> 01:29:38.660
what lie is he uprooting?

1643
01:29:38.660 --> 01:29:41.420
I don't know that you even need to categorize it

1644
01:29:41.420 --> 01:29:42.660
as much as saying, okay, Lord,

1645
01:29:42.660 --> 01:29:44.360
what do you want me to do about this?

1646
01:29:44.380 --> 01:29:45.940
Because it's a fear driving it.

1647
01:29:47.140 --> 01:29:49.620
And what do you want me to do

1648
01:29:49.620 --> 01:29:52.220
to come out of agreement with this fear?

1649
01:29:52.220 --> 01:29:54.660
All right, because I know a guy who,

1650
01:29:54.660 --> 01:29:56.620
the only thing I accomplished in a season

1651
01:29:56.620 --> 01:29:58.980
while everybody's married is I got to go travel

1652
01:29:58.980 --> 01:30:00.380
and make them feel jealous.

1653
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:07.760
us and I do jujitsu, so figured that that's all I can do in the season God has occupied me with.

1654
01:30:09.120 --> 01:30:13.040
Yeah, and he will, that's awesome, I love jujitsu, it's great.

1655
01:30:13.040 --> 01:30:15.200
I just won a medal at a tournament.

1656
01:30:15.200 --> 01:30:18.480
Oh, congratulations, yeah, see the Lord is the one who directs our steps,

1657
01:30:18.480 --> 01:30:22.480
he's the one that leads and guides us, and that's why I love praying that prayer from Jackie,

1658
01:30:22.480 --> 01:30:26.880
Lord, you know who the person is, he knows who your wife is, Hunter, he knows where she is,

1659
01:30:26.880 --> 01:30:30.880
and he knows how to get her to you, and he knows how to lead you to her as well,

1660
01:30:30.880 --> 01:30:36.240
and I think that's where we trust the Lord, and Jackie said it yesterday, and we receive it as a

1661
01:30:36.240 --> 01:30:41.920
word that the Lord is, the Lord's doing divine appointments in this season and time, and a

1662
01:30:41.920 --> 01:30:44.960
friend reminded me of this today, she's like, do you remember the time we were in New York,

1663
01:30:44.960 --> 01:30:49.920
and we just, we lived in this now and here, if you put now and here together, it's nowhere,

1664
01:30:50.960 --> 01:30:55.120
and so we just live in this place of, Lord, what are you doing in this moment,

1665
01:30:55.120 --> 01:31:00.080
we can't experience God outside of this moment, so thanks, Hunter, that's so awesome,

1666
01:31:00.080 --> 01:31:06.480
okay, we have a question in the chat, is there anything I learned about myself being on the

1667
01:31:06.480 --> 01:31:10.160
other side of limerence with my fiance, I'm wondering if there's something that can happen

1668
01:31:10.160 --> 01:31:17.520
that attracts or participates in this, so I had a very unhealed heart when I was engaged to him,

1669
01:31:18.400 --> 01:31:28.000
um, I did not, I'm trying to say how to do this, I knew I was being objectified in the relationship

1670
01:31:28.000 --> 01:31:34.480
because I felt like an object, um, unfortunately he did not treat me very well, um, and I put up

1671
01:31:34.480 --> 01:31:38.800
with it for very little, far too long, um, in the words of Jackie, he was a shell of a man,

1672
01:31:39.520 --> 01:31:45.760
so, um, but again, I had the lie that I was not worthy of a whole man, and I thought that I was

1673
01:31:45.760 --> 01:31:50.960
getting a whole man, and he was a shell of a man, so what did I learn, a whole lot of things,

1674
01:31:50.960 --> 01:31:56.400
that's a story for another time, but, um, it does not feel good to be objectified,

1675
01:31:56.400 --> 01:32:04.880
um, it is an icky, icky, icky feeling, but I, I'm so grateful that I walked through that season

1676
01:32:04.880 --> 01:32:11.600
because the Lord used it as the catalyst to honestly invite me into heart work and teach

1677
01:32:11.600 --> 01:32:15.440
me a lot, and I like to say there was like dating before heart work and there's dating after,

1678
01:32:15.520 --> 01:32:21.680
and so I'm still learning, um, in some ways, like, my threshold for tolerating bad behavior

1679
01:32:21.680 --> 01:32:26.880
needs to be much, much short, it is already much, much shorter than it used to be, so, um,

1680
01:32:26.880 --> 01:32:32.320
good question, I don't know if that really answers it, but, okay, one or two more,

1681
01:32:32.320 --> 01:32:35.280
otherwise we're going to close this out, thank you guys for being so attentive tonight,

1682
01:32:37.440 --> 01:32:40.800
I'm glad it seemed to resonate, um,

1683
01:32:41.520 --> 01:32:47.360
all right, all right, I'm going to pray this out, Father, thank you for each heart that's on here,

1684
01:32:47.360 --> 01:32:50.960
thank you for everyone else that's going to walk, watch and replay, and Lord, we thank you for this

1685
01:32:50.960 --> 01:32:56.320
community, God, I just thank you that this is a community that's marked by truth, God, we talked

1686
01:32:56.320 --> 01:33:02.160
a lot about truth tonight, and I just thank you for the gift, um, that Jackie and David carry,

1687
01:33:02.160 --> 01:33:06.080
for a love of the word, a love for truth, I thank you that that trickles down,

1688
01:33:06.640 --> 01:33:11.680
and so, I just ask, Holy Spirit, that you would, um, root in our hearts a knowledge of you,

1689
01:33:11.680 --> 01:33:16.880
a knowledge of your character and identity, a knowledge of, um, who you are to us as the

1690
01:33:16.880 --> 01:33:22.640
good Father, God, that you have already written the story, that you have the pages already, like,

1691
01:33:22.640 --> 01:33:28.640
they're so filled with such goodness, that we don't have to conjure, we don't have to manufacture,

1692
01:33:28.640 --> 01:33:32.640
we don't have to manipulate or control, we can actually just rest and trust you,

1693
01:33:32.640 --> 01:33:37.600
we received that word that was released this weekend, of we're entering into a year of rest,

1694
01:33:37.600 --> 01:33:41.440
we're entering a year where we're not having to strive, so Lord, I thank you that everyone

1695
01:33:41.440 --> 01:33:47.600
that's on here, Lord, they have the desire to be married, um, they have the desire to walk into

1696
01:33:47.600 --> 01:33:52.640
covenant relationships, and have families that are healthy and vibrant, and so, Lord, I just ask you

1697
01:33:52.640 --> 01:33:57.680
that you would remove from us the old tapes, the old lies that we've been believing, and that you

1698
01:33:57.680 --> 01:34:02.800
would help us to walk into the supernatural love stories that you have, have for us, God,

1699
01:34:02.800 --> 01:34:08.560
and that they're going to be stories that have, um, funny moments, and they have, um, just all

1700
01:34:08.560 --> 01:34:13.440
the breadth of, of human experience in them, God, and that we can fully embrace that, and we can

1701
01:34:13.440 --> 01:34:17.920
trust you in the middle of it, even when it looks different than what we thought, so Lord, we just,

1702
01:34:17.920 --> 01:34:22.480
um, ask you, we surrender the pen to you again tonight, we ask you that you would be Lord over

1703
01:34:23.040 --> 01:34:27.280
each one of our stories, we thank you, Lord, that we don't have to live in the limerence loops,

1704
01:34:27.280 --> 01:34:32.880
we don't have to be obsessive, but that we can just surrender and trust you, and recognize that

1705
01:34:32.880 --> 01:34:39.520
you are a good God, you have good plans for us, and, um, that you are orchestrating it, and that

1706
01:34:39.520 --> 01:34:45.600
it's going to be fun, it's going to be great, so bless each person as they go, and may the Lord

1707
01:34:45.600 --> 01:34:49.200
bless you, and keep you, make his face to shine upon you, lift up the light in the darkness,

1708
01:34:49.200 --> 01:34:52.320
the Lord bless you, and keep you, make his face to shine upon you, lift up the light,

1709
01:34:52.960 --> 01:34:56.400
light of his countenance upon you, and give you peace, in Jesus name,

1710
01:34:56.400 --> 01:34:59.920
love you guys, if you do decide you want coaching from me or anybody else,

1711
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:03.560
I'll highly encourage it, JackieDorman.com.

1712
01:35:03.560 --> 01:35:06.480
And I'm excited to hear y'all's stories

1713
01:35:06.480 --> 01:35:08.640
of non-limerent relationships.

1714
01:35:08.640 --> 01:35:09.480
Love y'all.