WEBVTT

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So, welcome to week four of Modern Dating Sucks, and we are going to have a really fun

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night.

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We are going to do some breakouts tonight so that you can get to know each other and

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you can get to learn from each other.

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All of you are in the same boat and you're looking for love, maybe in all the wrong places,

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but because all of you are in the same season of life, you can really learn from each other

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and you can see yourself in each other as well.

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I feel like it's great to have people that can mirror back to you, maybe things that

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you wouldn't normally receive about yourself.

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Say a coach like me will say something, you'd be like, yeah, that's not me.

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But then you get into a breakout group with your peers and you hear someone else talking

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about that and you're like, yeah, you know what?

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Maybe that is me.

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Maybe I do that too.

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It just doesn't look the same on me as it does on everybody else, but maybe it is the

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same thing after all.

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And so it's really important that we do that.

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We become mirrors for each other and we help each other to receive things that we need

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to receive in order to get the breakthrough or go to the next level.

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Now I consider tonight, well, last week, as I said, we were supposed to have a breakout

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only session where you get to rebuild the village.

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You get to meet people that will maybe become your best friends.

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In my program last year, single people become best of friends.

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Cheryl is one of our teammates.

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She's on our staff, but she's also a former student.

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And she can tell you and she can attest that she has met some of her bestest friends in

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last year, single people that she did not know at all before she came into the program

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and people that she gets with, goes on vacation with, goes to the weddings of, people that

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she talks to regularly, people that are in her life and have become like family to her.

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And that is the experience of so many people that join into our program.

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Because one of the things that I wanted to do from the very beginning was to bring back

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community-based matchmaking, but also just community in general.

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I don't want you to do life alone and you know who else doesn't want you to do life

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alone?

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God.

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God does not want you to do life alone because he created you to do life with others.

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He created you to do life within community.

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He created you to be seen, known, and loved in community.

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And that is the most important thing that God has for you in this lifetime is that you

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would have friends.

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You would have friends that feel like family, that you would never have a holiday that rolls

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around.

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We're headed to holiday season for the replay and people that only come to the replay of

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this because we're going to put it on the website, let people buy the replay.

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It might be summertime.

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It might be springtime when they buy the replay, but holiday season comes eventually.

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And right now during this live session, it's fall and holiday season is right around the

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corner.

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And I can't tell you how many singles say to me, I don't have anyone to spend the holidays

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with.

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All my family has passed away.

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I didn't have any siblings or I'm feuding with my siblings or my family.

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And I really don't have anywhere to be on Memorial Day or Labor Day or Thanksgiving

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or Christmas.

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You know, every once in a while, someone will invite me to be part of their family gathering,

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but I really don't have that.

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And I dread the holidays.

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I know people think the holidays, especially Christmas is the happiest time of year.

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But for so many people, it's the loneliest time of year.

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And so if I can do anything with what God has given me, the talents and the abilities

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that God has given me to bring people together, it will be that no single person ever feels

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like they don't have a family to be part of at the holidays.

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And this is what causes a lot of people to want partnership and to want to get married

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and to find someone.

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And there almost becomes a desperation about it because they just don't want to do life

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alone anymore.

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They don't want to be alone.

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And so God sees that.

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He knows that.

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He created you with the DNA.

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You're hardwired to not want to be alone and you shouldn't be.

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So one of the things that has to be overcome in order for us to get rid of the loneliness

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epidemic, do you guys know that they say that there's a loneliness epidemic, especially

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a male loneliness epidemic for you guys that are in here?

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They're saying that there's a male loneliness epidemic.

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Well, very first thing that we have to do is we have to recognize interdependency.

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We have been created not for independence.

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We've been created for interdependency.

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We need each other.

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You need people and you have to become vulnerable in order to have people in your life.

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The other thing that you have to do in order to have people in your life is you have to

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work on your attitude.

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You have to work on your personality.

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Some people are lonely because they're hard to be around.

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They're difficult personalities.

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They have victim mindsets, they have conflict mindsets, they're getting triggered and offended

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at every turn. Those are not people that other people want to include, even if they

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know you and feel sad that you don't have anywhere to go for the holidays. They also

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don't want to invite someone to their gathering that is going to sulk around, is going to be

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negative, is going to cause conflict with some sort of opinion or lack of self-awareness that

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causes arguments around politics or religion or just anything in general. Nobody wants that person.

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Look, all of us already have Uncle Fred and we don't want another one of those, right? Or Aunt

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Frida, we don't want another one of those people. Everyone's already just dreading having to see the

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person that they're already in community or family with that's just so hard to be around.

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So you have to begin to become self-aware. You want to become the kind of person that everybody

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wants around, that everybody's happy to see coming towards them. They love to talk to you. I have a

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friend like that. Her name is Heather. She's single. I don't know how because she probably is

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the sweetest, most encouraging, most kind, and it's not a put on. It's true. She is just the most

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supportive and the biggest cheerleader of everybody else's life that I've ever met in my

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entire life. And she is one of the best people that I've ever met in my whole life.

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I enjoy her so much. Just even thinking about her right now makes me smile. Who wants to become the

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kind of person where people, if they think about you, they just smile. They smile because they just

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just like you that much. Yeah. And you know, not everyone's going to like us. It's true. You can't

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please everyone. You don't want to become a people pleaser. I'm just saying that you've unpacked

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enough of your heart that you're not walking around with a chip on your shoulder. You're not

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walking around with a victim mentality. I have another person that I know that when I go around

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them, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Everything sets them off. They're offended by

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everything. They have such a deep rooted victim mentality, but it's always, you know, just them

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being so upset that everybody else has this and they have nothing. And they're just so

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hard to be around. And even though I have sympathy and even empathy for their situation,

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because there's been some hard things that have happened to them, they're still very difficult

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to be in relationship with because it's so exhausting and draining. Anybody else know someone

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like that? All right. So the reason why I'm saying all this at the beginning, this is not what

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tonight's about tonight is one of the most important sessions of our modern dating sex

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book club, because it is about non-negotiables versus preferences. And so many of you are in

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your own way. And we're going to try to take down those walls that you call non-negotiable

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so that you can make room for love, let love in, let love in friends. We're going to do that

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tonight. We're going to have some breakouts. You can call each other out about non-negotiables

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that are really preferences and there'll be fun, fun times. Um, but I started with what I'm talking

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about right now, because I want to invite all of you to join last year, single, go ahead and raise

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your hand. If you're not part of last year, single, I want to see all the yellow avatar hands in the

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air, not your hand hand, but your avatar hand. So I can see if you are not part of my program last

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year, single, I want to see your hand because you are who I'm talking to. I see two hands. I see

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three hands. I see four hands in the air, five, six. How many of us are even on here tonight?

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30. So we have seven. Someone's applauding. I'll take it. Seven hands out of 30 that are not part

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of last year, single. Okay. So the seven of you and anyone who's watching in replay that was not

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here tonight. That's part of this book club in your resource tab in the app, not in the Facebook

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group in the app. If you click on it, there's some resources there. And one of the resources

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is our rollover offer. This was our book club only offer. We didn't offer this anywhere else,

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only to our book club participants. And that is for you to bypass the $297 that it costs to join

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last year, single, and to join the program for only $37. Why should you join now? Because the

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holidays are coming. Cuffing season's coming. Hallmark movies are coming. And it is the best

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time ever to join because our new app is coming. Our new app that's not only going to connect you

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to your coaches and connect you to your program, but it's also going to connect you to each other

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is very, very close to rolling out. And so you will be the very first class to come through the

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program that will have access to that community-based matchmaking system. And so I really,

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really want to encourage you to do that. If you've ever thought, man, it'd be really nice

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to be on a dating app where the only people that are there are good people that share my faith,

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that share my values, that are marriage minded. Well,

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Congratulations, we created that.

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You are the winner, winner, chicken dinners, and I really want to encourage you to take

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advantage of that opportunity because once again, we're not going to make that offer

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to anyone but the people in the book club.

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Being in the book club, you get to bypass that entrance fee and just start at the $37

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a month.

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It is cancel anytime, but if you got $37 to try it for a month, I think you should because

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you got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

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All right, so I wanted to put that plug in there before we get going here on our standards

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and walls.

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You guys, standards are a good thing and they should be really high, right, but you know

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what shouldn't be high?

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Our walls and a lot of people mistake their standards for their, they mistake their walls

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for standards.

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Walls are created when something happens to us or someone, something happens to someone

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that we love or someone that we know.

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It didn't even have to happen to you.

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It could just happen to someone that you know, someone who came before you, a mother, a father,

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a grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, a best friend, someone that you're in proximity with.

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One day I was sitting on the plane next to a kid who was probably about 27, 28 years

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old.

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I didn't get his age, but that's what he looked like about.

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And I have a rule and it's simply this, I don't talk to people on planes, okay?

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I put my headphones on as soon as I get on the plane because I don't want to talk to

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you.

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And the reason why I don't want to talk to you, even though I love you and I bless you,

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is because there's always those people on the plane, everyone else is just minding their

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own business.

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They got their headphones on, they're watching the movies, they're doing the things, they're

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eating the snacks and there's just that one row and they always seem to be the people

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sitting directly behind me that have just met each other for the very first time.

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You can tell by their conversation.

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And they are talking at an outside decibel.

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They're not using their indoor voices, they're not using their in-plane voices, they're using

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their outdoor lumber mill, sawmill voices.

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It's like, did you learn how to whisper in a sawmill?

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What's happening here?

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And they're just going on and on and on about the most awkward questions for a stranger

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you would ever hear.

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And they're answering each other and they're just, you know, before they get off the plane

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now they're just lifelong lost friends.

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And I just hate it.

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As a matchmaker, I shouldn't hate it because it's a divine connection.

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These people are getting to know each other, wonderful, great.

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But really what's happening is this, there's one person who just cannot stand silence and

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the other person is just obliging them.

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They're just the kind of person who cannot go two hours without talking.

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And whoever happens to get seated next to them has to oblige them by talking.

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So I put my headphones on so no one even thinks about it, but this day I didn't have them

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on and this kid was sitting next to me, kind of reminded me of my son and he asked me something

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and I said something back to him and before I know it, we're in a little tiny conversation.

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And then it gets around to what do I do?

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I always tell people, matchmaker, I don't necessarily say dating coach.

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I definitely don't say all the other things that I do.

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I just say, Hey, I own a business for singles.

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I'm a matchmaker.

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And he said, Oh, that's really cool.

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That sounds really interesting, which is what people usually say.

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And then I said to him, are you single?

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He said, yes.

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I said, do you see yourself ever getting married?

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And he said, no, he's only like 27, 28 years old.

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I'm like, really?

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You're pretty young to have made that decision.

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How come?

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And he said, well, I have a buddy right now that I went to school with that is going through

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a really bad divorce and his wife is taking him for everything.

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The shirt off of his back, won't let him see the kids.

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And he just began to describe a horror story that his best buddy was going through.

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And that had convinced him that marriage wasn't worth it and that women couldn't be trusted.

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This happens to people and it could have happened to you.

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This trauma wasn't even happening to him, but it was happening to someone that he loves,

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someone he cared about, and he was internalizing it.

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What do we call that?

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We call that secondhand trauma.

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Some of you have families where they didn't give you much except trauma.

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They didn't give you inheritance.

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There was no land.

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There were no bank accounts or trust funds.

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You just inherited trauma.

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And unfortunately, we inherit a lot of trauma in the area of relationships and how we're

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going to trust people and how we're going to relate to people and how we're going to

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engage people.

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And this bleeds over into this area of your life.

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There are people sitting here right now and people watching in replay that the reason

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why you have not been married, the reason why you have not even been in a long-term

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relationship is you do not trust people.

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Now you would never admit that.

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You think that, you know, because you wouldn't ever consciously really know it.

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You think you would.

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trust people. But for some reason, you're never able to get past the very, very basic, very

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surface stage of relationship with people. You always find something wrong, or you think

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that nobody ever likes you. And part of the reason why nobody ever likes you like that,

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or no one ever notices you, or no one ever asks you out, and listen, I'm meddling right now,

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and I need to be, because I want you to be free. But the reason why is because the hot light

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is not on. You know, the Krispy Kreme hot light that says, come and get it, the donuts are ready.

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No, that hot light is off. Okay, it's not on. In fact, there's another sign that's on,

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and it says, keep out, do not disturb, stay away. That is the sign that is illuminated that you

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cannot see, but other people can. And so it's really important that we shift that. We not only

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don't want that sign on, we want the sign on that shows that you are open and ready to receive.

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And part of being open and ready to receive means that you have to make a shift. And those of you

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that are in Last Year Single, you know this shift well, and I'm going to say it here for all of

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those that have never heard me say this. You have to shift from being self-defended to God-defended.

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I don't care how smart you are, how well you can read a room, how hyper-vigilant you are about

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safety, how much you pride yourself on being able to tell what people are like before you even get

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to know them. You will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be able to see all danger that's coming.

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And the reason why I say danger is because this is why people are hyper-vigilant,

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because they want to stay safe. The number one thing that we have in our human form is to stay

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safe. We have survivor mode. All of us have survivor mode. And so it looks different on

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everybody, but staying safe is a top priority of your unconscious self, of your unconscious mind.

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And some of you do it really well. You play detective really well. You think you're really

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discerning. You can spot a fake a mile away. You can spot a red flag a mile away, and you're

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proud of it. The problem is, is that you can't spot a good person a mile away. You can't spot

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green flags a mile away because you're tuned in and filtered into red flags and danger.

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And you can sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life, but you're never going to

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prevent bad things from happening or bad people from getting through the alligator moat that you

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have built. So you might as well go ahead and just trust God instead of yourself because you can't be

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trusted. And there's other people in here where your picker is just broken. All right. And we

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need to just surrender that to God because not only do you trust the wrong people, that's the

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only type of person that you trust. You trust people are right. Just the absolute wrong people.

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Okay. And so we have all different sides of the spectrum here. So I'm saying all that to say this,

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your non-negotiables or your standards are built according to this kind of stuff. And so that's why

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we have to rebuild them. So I want your standards to be high if they truly are standards, but I do

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not want your walls to be high because I don't want you to basically dare someone to climb over

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them. And because that's not what we want at all. All right. So let's talk about non-negotiables

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versus preferences. You guys have a worksheet. You should have done it. Raise your hand. If you did

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your homework, you had two weeks, raise your hand, your little avatar, yellow hand. I should

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see all 31 hands raised on this question. Your non-negotiables versus preferences. The worksheet

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was there in week three. It was to help you to figure out what's a non-negotiable versus a

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preference. What does that look like? So far, there's only 10 hands up of 31. Come on, get them

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up, get them up, get them up, get them up. If you did the worksheet, get them up, please. And if you

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didn't, why not? 11 hands. Okay. A lot of people did not do this exercise. This exercise is to help

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you to figure out whether or not the things that you're using as a deciding factor on whether or

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not you want to continue to get to know someone, whether it is a non-negotiable or whether it's a

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preference. And if you've gotten to the part of the book where you're reading about my 90 day

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framework, what you should be doing the first 30 days of relationship, the next 30 days in the

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final 30 days, then you're going to see that non-negotiables are really, really important.

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Now we're going to go over the framework next week when we talk about relationships, but right now,

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I'm still trying to get you into one. Next week is going to be all about what happens when you

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get into one. What should you do in the first 30, 60, 90 days? How can you play matchmaker?

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for yourself. How can you date like a matchmaker and how can you play matchmaker for others?

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That will be next week, week five. But this week we have to build this map. You have to

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build this blueprint of who am I and what do I need in relationship? All of you should

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be old enough to know yourself and to know what it is that you need and what you have

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to absolutely have and what you absolutely cannot have in relationship.

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You've been in enough relationships, maybe not romantic, but friendships, community.

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You've seen another enough relationships play out around you that you know, hey, this is

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not for me. I know myself and this is what I need. Like for instance, some of you are

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avid outdoors people. If you could sleep outside at night, you would. You're the kind of people

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that like to go camping and I don't mean glamping in a cabin. I mean camping, sleeping on the

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ground in a bag and looking like a treat to a bear. Some of you are these people and

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you do this and you love this and you love the dirt in your fingernails and the, you

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know, pine cones in your hair. This is you. You could never, ever, ever, ever, ever be

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married to someone who does not know what grass is. They're allergic to the outdoors.

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They can't come outdoors. In fact, they are pale. They look like something out of the

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movie Twilight. They look like a vampire because they don't go outside. All they do

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is sit inside and that's what they love. They love the indoors. The great indoors are where

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they want to be in a couch, in a armchair, watching television day in and day out. Yes,

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there are people like that. That is what they want. Some of you love to travel. You love

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adventure. You love to see new places. You love to experience new cultures. You cannot

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be married to someone who does not want to leave their own zip code. They have no desire

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to leave their zip code. They're afraid to travel. They're afraid to fly. They do not

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ever want to get on a plane. They are 65 years old and they've never been on a plane and

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they never will. Guess what? They're not a match for you. These are non-negotiables.

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A lot of people will have a non-negotiable of no, no alcohol or no smoking. You can't

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be happy with someone who smells like marble lights. You can't be happy with someone who,

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you know, is constantly smoking something that might eventually cause them to get sick

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and die. Now that doesn't happen to everyone. I know it is possibly a side effect, but I

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have lots of people in my family that smoked a bazillion years and died at 98 years old.

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So whatever, it's not everybody. All right. The little old lady that's 102 is just like,

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what's your secret? Whiskey and cigarettes, honey. So we don't know. But if that's your

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non-negotiable, then that's fair. That's fair for that to be a non-negotiable. Okay.

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It's not a non-negotiable for everybody. Some people are like, yeah, okay. A guy smoke a

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cigar every once in a while. I can hang with that. Right? So your non-negotiables should

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be faith. They should be values. They should be character and they should be things like

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this about your lifestyle. Play attention. Faith, values, character, lifestyle. They

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can't be things like they need to be over six feet tall. They need to be under 150 pounds.

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They need to wear a size four to six. If she's a woman, she has to have big bazookas. No,

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these are not non-negotiables. These are preferences. Sirs, ladies, you're five one. You don't need

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a six, five man. Get over yourself. Okay. You're going to need a step ladder to get

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to the top of that mountain. It doesn't make any sense.

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Now I honestly do not believe that nationality and or skin tone is a non-negotiable. I think

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every single one of you by this point in your life should be open to the right person for

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you regardless of where they originate from. Now language can be a barrier and language

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could be a non-negotiable if you want it to be. I have found a lot of success with my

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clients that are willing to put all of that into preferences, skin color, what they look

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like, where they come from. Um, even education level. Now a non-negotiable can be responsible

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with finances. Someone who has built a life for themselves, especially if you're over

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the age of 35, you know, young adolescence, I don't know if you guys heard this or not,

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but adolescence has been extended to like 26 years old now because, and I can attest

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to this because I have nieces and nephews that are Gen Z like older Gen Z. They're like

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in their early twenties. These kids are like 21 going on 13 because there's just such a

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earlier to launch. There's just such an immaturity that has happened with this screen ager generation.

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They're just very, they're lacking in social skills or lacking in life skills. There's

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just a lot, there's a deficit. So because of that, we can even extend it to 35. If you're

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over 35, you should have done something with your potential by now. Yes, people go through

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ebbs and flows and there can be people going through a hard season as long as that's not

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their MO. I met my husband in a hard season. When I met him, he had just gone through a

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divorce unbeknownst to him. He is in a bad marriage. He didn't know. He thought his marriage

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was wonderful. It was a ministry marriage. She was very unhappy. Um, she was deconstructing

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her faith and so she deconstructed her marriage as well. And it was really hard. And this

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happens to a lot of ministry couples where one of them just decides they don't want to

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be in ministry anymore and they just jet out. And so that happened to him. And so when I

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met him, he had going through a ministry divorce. He was also underpaid in vocational

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ministry for the last 15 years of his life. And so he was still making a very basic entry

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level salary because he was in full time ministry and he was driving a car he paid for with

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cash. He had had a repossession on his house, a foreclosure. It just wasn't looking that

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great on paper, but you know what? He met my non-negotiables of character and values

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and, um, you know, just a lot of things that I really needed as far as personality and

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compatibility. And, you know, we were neighbors, we fell in love, we got married and 20 years

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later, I would not ever change that. I would still, I would still choose him. So, um, in

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fact, it's just gotten better and better and better and better. So someone doesn't have to be,

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you know, on the mountaintop when you meet them, but if all they've ever had is valleys,

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then guess what? They're the common denominator of that. If all they've ever done is lost jobs,

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if all they've ever done is been financially stretched and strapped, then that's means that

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someone is not being a wise steward of their life. Right? So that's all really good information

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because you're not going to find that out in the first three days because you're not a detective

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and you're not going to sit there and give them the inquisition, like the FBI, not going to

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interrogate anyone. You have to look for signs of that. So your non-negotiables are things that

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you're going to find out about probably within the first 30 days of dating. We'll talk more

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about that next week when we talk about the framework. So think about the things that you

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could readily see in the first 30 days of dating someone about their character, about compatibility,

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about, um, consistency, different things. Those are on your non-negotiables. Your preferences

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are nice. And those are things that you could definitely enjoy in someone, but they're not

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deal breakers. They're not deal breakers. Okay. Don't let them be deal breakers. Now, the reason

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why I'm just going so much into teaching before I put you in your breakouts for this is because

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I have seen this area make and break so many people's love lives because they are looking

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for a needle in a haystack. They're looking for someone who just really doesn't exist.

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And really they've used this area instead of being standards. They've used it as a wall

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of protection because that person doesn't exist. And if you can never find them, then you never

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have to trust anyone or let anybody in. And I know that's very unconscious stuff, but people

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are doing it and you might be doing it as well. So now we're going to put you in breakouts. And

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what I want you to do is I want you to share your non-negotiable list, specifically the one thing

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that you think may actually be a preference and not a non-negotiable and see what the other people

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in your group say. I don't want anyone dogging anyone. Everyone's to be polite. We're all here

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in a culture of honor. Okay. So even if you're like, yeah, of course that's not a non-negotiable.

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No, don't have an attitude with people and don't fight someone because you're triggered by their

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non-negotiable because you know, maybe that's something that you are not. They're saying that

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they don't want, they don't want something that is blank, but maybe that's your story. And then

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you get offended by it. Do not get offended by other people's non-negotiables. All you guys are

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here to do is to hear each other out and to basically say whether or not you think that

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that's a true and good non-negotiable or whether maybe they need to go back to the drawing board

383
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on that one. Okay. All right. So go ahead, Cheryl, and get them into groups. Do I need to, let me see.

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Okay. Cheryl's going to put you in groups

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and that is what you're going to do for the next few minutes. And then we're going to come back.

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And when you guys come back, we're going to talk about the difference between being marriage

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curious and being marriage minded. What is the readiness gap? Because this is the second thing

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that I see sabotage people. They're non-negotiables and the fact that they're really not ready.

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for relationship. They like the idea of relationship, but they're not ready for relationship

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and, or they keep choosing other people that are not ready for relationship. Okay. All right. So

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let's go ahead and go into those breakouts and be mindful, be respectful. And when we get back,

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we'll take a couple of shares. All right. See you soon.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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All right, everyone, as you're rolling back in the room, we're going to go ahead and take

395
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some shares.

396
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So who had some things that they were like, yeah, you know, I want this to be a non negotiable.

397
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I'm not sure if it should be or not.

398
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Who wants to raise their hand and volunteer?

399
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Go ahead.

400
00:31:51.840 --> 00:31:54.640
OK, this is a tough one for me to talk about.

401
00:31:54.640 --> 00:32:04.080
So I was yeah, I was just talking about how I felt like I've had to force myself to be

402
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attracted to pretty much every man I've ever been with in favor of preferences like that

403
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they're emotionally available, that communication is really big.

404
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:20.400
And so I forfeit I forfeit the like attraction piece.

405
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And because in my I guess in my mind, I don't think that there could be someone who's got

406
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all these things like sobriety, emotional availability, able to communicate.

407
00:32:35.280 --> 00:32:39.200
What other things has has this shit together relatively because I have a history of dating

408
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meth addicts.

409
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And so not dating meth addicts, but like that's just very specific.

410
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I don't know why.

411
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Yeah, it's it's it's very like I said, it's very hard to admit because it's so broken.

412
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OK, so let's talk about this, because it so you're so when you started when you started

413
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your share, you said that you've always forced yourself to feel attraction for these more

414
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healthy, more stable people because you have a history of being attracted or feeling attracted

415
00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:16.880
to, you know, specifically meth addicts.

416
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:19.200
I was just going to make a joke about that tweaker energy.

417
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:21.440
You know, it's really it pulls you in.

418
00:33:22.080 --> 00:33:28.800
But, you know, so you have felt like attraction, but they always end up to be addicts.

419
00:33:30.560 --> 00:33:39.280
Yes, ex addicts either just having gotten out of recovery or or very charismatic, very

420
00:33:39.280 --> 00:33:46.960
magnetic or me finding out that within our relationship, I mean, sort of intuitively

421
00:33:46.960 --> 00:33:50.160
feeling something's not quite right, that they end up relapsing.

422
00:33:50.800 --> 00:33:54.800
And and there was an attraction level, I guess.

423
00:33:55.520 --> 00:34:00.480
I think maybe the attraction was just chaos, honestly, from from my past.

424
00:34:02.240 --> 00:34:03.520
I've done a lot of healing.

425
00:34:04.320 --> 00:34:13.199
And anyway, so but the physical attraction, I guess you could say like was I felt for

426
00:34:13.199 --> 00:34:14.000
I had to force.

427
00:34:14.800 --> 00:34:21.440
And so I've always wondered, can you actually get all these things or maybe the running

428
00:34:21.440 --> 00:34:26.159
tape is attraction on that level has to be a preference because you're not going to meet

429
00:34:26.159 --> 00:34:30.080
someone that has like emotional availability and all these things.

430
00:34:30.080 --> 00:34:32.239
And you're super attracted to them, too.

431
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:37.760
So I'm going to have to like choose one that's just been like also kind of my experience,

432
00:34:37.760 --> 00:34:42.480
too, because they're really good looking ones seem to like not have all that other stuff.

433
00:34:42.480 --> 00:34:45.040
But I don't want to believe that.

434
00:34:46.239 --> 00:34:47.040
Gotcha.

435
00:34:47.040 --> 00:34:51.600
OK, so let's talk about what she's talking about right now, because it's not about being

436
00:34:51.600 --> 00:34:55.840
forcing yourself to be attracted to necessarily a not good looking person.

437
00:34:55.840 --> 00:34:59.600
What she's not attracted to is the.

438
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:03.640
way that her nervous system feels in a relationship.

439
00:35:03.640 --> 00:35:07.480
And so this is, you know, and I'm sure Amanda already knows this, but this is an Amanda

440
00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:08.480
thing.

441
00:35:08.480 --> 00:35:09.840
This is not a men thing.

442
00:35:09.840 --> 00:35:16.600
And so Amanda has a history of being attracted to or feeling the feelings of attraction,

443
00:35:16.600 --> 00:35:20.560
which friends, I know no one wants to believe this and we all feel like, Oh, that can't

444
00:35:20.560 --> 00:35:22.680
possibly be true.

445
00:35:22.680 --> 00:35:26.280
But a lot of the chemistry or what people describe as chemistry, we're going to get

446
00:35:26.280 --> 00:35:29.640
into that next, the chemistry confession here in a second.

447
00:35:29.640 --> 00:35:34.400
But so much of what we describe as chemistry, especially if that relationship is unhealthy

448
00:35:34.400 --> 00:35:38.200
and unstable is our nervous system firing.

449
00:35:38.200 --> 00:35:39.320
Okay.

450
00:35:39.320 --> 00:35:44.440
Those butterflies that you're feeling, those butterflies are more likened to an anxiety

451
00:35:44.440 --> 00:35:48.400
response than a infatuation or excitement response.

452
00:35:48.400 --> 00:35:51.640
You guys, excitement and anxiety feel very similar.

453
00:35:51.640 --> 00:35:52.760
Okay.

454
00:35:52.760 --> 00:35:56.880
Fear and excitement can feel very, very similar.

455
00:35:56.880 --> 00:35:58.880
Nervous excited is what I call it.

456
00:35:58.880 --> 00:36:01.080
And so it's important that we understand that.

457
00:36:01.080 --> 00:36:04.440
So her nervous system for some reason, and we would need to dig into that.

458
00:36:04.440 --> 00:36:11.560
She said she's done some work, is stuck on being activated by and being drawn into a

459
00:36:11.560 --> 00:36:19.880
certain type of dyad of probably enable, enabler and abuser.

460
00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:21.340
Okay.

461
00:36:21.340 --> 00:36:26.140
And whether that abuse looks like them abusing themselves with drugs and alcohol, or whether

462
00:36:26.140 --> 00:36:33.700
that looks like them abusing her through emotionally, mentally, financially, verbally, even just

463
00:36:33.700 --> 00:36:36.540
manipulation.

464
00:36:36.540 --> 00:36:41.860
It doesn't have to be overt and it doesn't even have to be intense, but there's a cycle

465
00:36:41.860 --> 00:36:45.460
happening here that she is drawn into.

466
00:36:45.460 --> 00:36:49.660
And so Amanda, when we are with a guy who's emotionally stable and available, who has

467
00:36:49.660 --> 00:36:55.620
his stuff together, who can meet you where you are financially, emotionally, mentally,

468
00:36:55.620 --> 00:36:56.740
there's no excitement there.

469
00:36:56.740 --> 00:37:01.300
So you're feeling like there's no attraction, even if he's super hot, doesn't matter.

470
00:37:01.300 --> 00:37:03.540
It is that thing that's missing.

471
00:37:03.540 --> 00:37:06.980
That's the element that's missing for you, but it's not always going to be missing for

472
00:37:06.980 --> 00:37:08.340
you.

473
00:37:08.340 --> 00:37:10.220
But I do want to say this.

474
00:37:10.220 --> 00:37:12.340
And for anyone else who's rowing this boat, raise your hand.

475
00:37:12.340 --> 00:37:17.900
If you also row this boat with Amanda, you feel like your attractions are set on dysfunction

476
00:37:17.900 --> 00:37:19.020
in some way, shape, or form.

477
00:37:19.380 --> 00:37:23.940
Go ahead and raise your avatar hand because we can't see your hands in the windows.

478
00:37:23.940 --> 00:37:29.300
You just continue to pick, lather, rinse, repeat people that are unhealthy for you.

479
00:37:29.300 --> 00:37:30.900
Okay.

480
00:37:30.900 --> 00:37:33.260
Lots and lots of women putting their hands up now.

481
00:37:33.260 --> 00:37:34.260
Okay.

482
00:37:34.260 --> 00:37:38.660
So, and it doesn't have to look like this exact same scenario, but they're just unstable,

483
00:37:38.660 --> 00:37:39.660
unhealthy.

484
00:37:39.660 --> 00:37:41.780
They just end up being not the right person for you.

485
00:37:41.780 --> 00:37:46.620
Whether they're cheaters, liars, users, abusers, it doesn't matter what it is.

486
00:37:46.620 --> 00:37:48.140
Okay.

487
00:37:48.140 --> 00:37:50.740
Or, yeah, okay.

488
00:37:50.740 --> 00:37:58.980
So we have to go ahead and recognize that healthy relationship, and I know nobody wants

489
00:37:58.980 --> 00:38:03.700
to hear this, but I've had to live it myself because I used to deal with massive disordered

490
00:38:03.700 --> 00:38:07.740
attachment when I was young because of my dysfunctional childhood.

491
00:38:07.740 --> 00:38:09.740
And I dealt with something called limerence.

492
00:38:09.740 --> 00:38:11.180
Anyone know what limerence is?

493
00:38:11.180 --> 00:38:16.720
Where I literally become obsessed and I just have to, they have to want me back.

494
00:38:16.720 --> 00:38:17.720
They have to love me.

495
00:38:18.300 --> 00:38:19.300
And I'll do anything.

496
00:38:19.300 --> 00:38:20.300
I'll manipulate.

497
00:38:20.300 --> 00:38:21.300
I'll lie, steal.

498
00:38:21.300 --> 00:38:22.300
I'll kill.

499
00:38:22.300 --> 00:38:23.300
No, I won't.

500
00:38:23.300 --> 00:38:24.300
I didn't kill anyone.

501
00:38:24.300 --> 00:38:25.300
No one's dead.

502
00:38:25.300 --> 00:38:26.300
All right.

503
00:38:26.300 --> 00:38:32.720
But just really want that intense love connection.

504
00:38:32.720 --> 00:38:38.360
And I even, I limerence to my way into my first marriage and it was so dysfunctional.

505
00:38:38.360 --> 00:38:41.280
And then once I got in, I was trapped and it was not a good thing.

506
00:38:41.280 --> 00:38:47.040
But I will just say this, healthy relationship is a tad boring.

507
00:38:47.360 --> 00:38:50.320
It's a tad boring at first and it will heal you.

508
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:52.880
It will heal your nervous system if you let it.

509
00:38:52.880 --> 00:38:56.900
But in the meantime, while as it's healing your nervous system, you're going to probably

510
00:38:56.900 --> 00:39:03.520
deal with the ick, what we call the ick, which is just your nervous system picking people

511
00:39:03.520 --> 00:39:07.840
apart because you're trying to be avoidant to attachment.

512
00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:10.920
So you're trying to find things wrong with them.

513
00:39:10.920 --> 00:39:13.920
You're trying to talk yourself out of being attracted to them.

514
00:39:13.920 --> 00:39:19.240
You're trying to tell yourself that they're not what you want because they're offering

515
00:39:19.240 --> 00:39:20.240
safety.

516
00:39:20.240 --> 00:39:21.440
They're offering stability.

517
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:26.840
They're offering things that are just really not that sexy, honestly, when you are a limerating

518
00:39:26.840 --> 00:39:31.600
disordered attacher, but you can heal from this.

519
00:39:31.600 --> 00:39:32.600
I'm perfect example.

520
00:39:32.600 --> 00:39:38.180
I've been married for 20 years to my now very stable, but somewhat boring golden retriever

521
00:39:38.180 --> 00:39:41.560
husband and I love them.

522
00:39:41.560 --> 00:39:43.680
I love the golden retriever life.

523
00:39:44.440 --> 00:39:47.440
I do not want to be married to a Doberman ever again.

524
00:39:47.440 --> 00:39:48.440
All right.

525
00:39:48.440 --> 00:39:52.000
And so really, really important to understand that you can heal from this.

526
00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:55.360
But Amanda, in the meantime, it is very frustrating.

527
00:39:55.360 --> 00:40:00.000
I have, I've coached privately many, many, many, many women who are like, I just can't.

528
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.340
can't get there. I just can't feel it. I don't feel anything. I feel numb. I feel disconnected.

529
00:40:05.340 --> 00:40:09.260
I know that I should like this person. I know that I should want to be with this person,

530
00:40:09.260 --> 00:40:16.820
but I just don't feel anything. Um, and I promise you, you can heal from it. I promise

531
00:40:16.820 --> 00:40:30.780
you, we can reawaken your good connection patterns. You're not broken. You're just a

532
00:40:30.780 --> 00:40:36.180
little frozen. Okay. You're in a coma. Your emotions are in a coma. We've got to wake

533
00:40:36.180 --> 00:40:44.860
them up and we will. Um, okay. So a lot of you raised your hands. Yeah, go ahead. Did

534
00:40:44.860 --> 00:40:51.460
you, Amanda, did you want to say something? Oh, I just said, thank you. You're welcome.

535
00:40:51.460 --> 00:40:57.740
You're welcome. All right. So a good guy who also is attractive and has things. Okay. So

536
00:40:57.740 --> 00:41:01.620
Amanda, one thing that you're going to do instead of just looking for emotionally available,

537
00:41:01.620 --> 00:41:06.380
no, no, no, no. I want your non-negotiables to be things also that just really turn you

538
00:41:06.380 --> 00:41:11.320
on but can turn you on in a healthy way. All right. So non-negotiable has to be a guy who

539
00:41:11.320 --> 00:41:16.720
really likes adventure. You know, you, we want to go ahead and turn your crank, but

540
00:41:16.720 --> 00:41:22.040
not turning it with that personality that you're attracted to all the time. We want

541
00:41:22.040 --> 00:41:26.680
to turn it with other things that really, that, you know, that you really, really like

542
00:41:26.680 --> 00:41:34.680
a guy who, you know, is adventurous, a guy who maybe, you know, um, has been successful

543
00:41:34.680 --> 00:41:40.080
in, you know, doing some sort of alternative business building, like whatever it is that

544
00:41:40.080 --> 00:41:46.800
these guys had in common, that wasn't the meth addiction. Cause I guarantee you, if

545
00:41:46.800 --> 00:41:50.520
you do your dating autopsy, which you should have already done, cause it was our second

546
00:41:50.520 --> 00:41:56.600
week's homework and you list these guys out the ones that were bad news bears, you will

547
00:41:56.600 --> 00:42:00.500
find something that they have in common. That's not dysfunctional. There's something else

548
00:42:00.500 --> 00:42:04.520
that they have in common that you can take. That's a good thing that you can put on your

549
00:42:04.520 --> 00:42:12.360
non-negotiable list. It's not the meth addiction. It's not the charismatic, magnetic, narcissistic

550
00:42:12.360 --> 00:42:17.560
personality. Okay. It's not any of that. It's something else, something else that not all

551
00:42:17.560 --> 00:42:21.180
of them had in common probably, but a few of them did. And it's something that really

552
00:42:21.180 --> 00:42:25.760
attracts you, something that draws you in. And so find out what that is and it, and put

553
00:42:25.760 --> 00:42:33.640
it on your non-negotiable list because outside of that context, it could be a healthy trait.

554
00:42:33.640 --> 00:42:40.440
Knowing is good. You know, someone who's extroverted is good. Someone who, you know,

555
00:42:40.440 --> 00:42:45.040
likes people and you know, wants to help people, you know, that's good. I mean, there's all

556
00:42:45.040 --> 00:42:48.600
kinds of different things. And you guys, you notice that she had in common that all of

557
00:42:48.600 --> 00:42:53.520
these guys were addicts or they relapsed. So that says that these guys had unregulated

558
00:42:53.520 --> 00:42:57.720
nervous systems as well, because why do we do drugs? We do drugs to regulate our nervous

559
00:42:57.720 --> 00:43:05.440
systems. We do drugs to try to medicate a mental health situation that's going on. Right.

560
00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:11.800
And so they were all guys that were like either close to crashing out or crashing out. And

561
00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:18.460
so Amanda, that may say something about yourself as far as you as rescuer, you as you know,

562
00:43:18.460 --> 00:43:24.840
that enabler piece of being an empath, you know, that could possibly be the other dyad

563
00:43:24.840 --> 00:43:33.920
that's happening where you love like deep feelings and deep, like, you know what's the

564
00:43:33.920 --> 00:43:41.560
word passion. And so if you are, and some of you may be like that too, anyone here like,

565
00:43:41.560 --> 00:43:45.400
like to jump out of airplanes, like you were like an adrenaline junkie, anyone here like

566
00:43:45.400 --> 00:43:50.440
adrenaline, not saying that this is Amanda, but anyone like adrenaline, you like to jump

567
00:43:50.440 --> 00:43:57.080
on the back of a motorcycle. You like spontaneity. You like to do crazy things. Carolyn's it's me.

568
00:43:57.640 --> 00:44:01.720
She's like, it's me, Natalia. Is that you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay.

569
00:44:02.280 --> 00:44:07.320
Or you got to watch that in relationship. Cause that means that you love, love, love dopamine.

570
00:44:08.440 --> 00:44:14.520
Okay. You love it. And because of that, you got to be careful because you could be,

571
00:44:15.400 --> 00:44:20.920
you know, being out there trying to get it like a little energy vampire. Oh, Kirsten. Well,

572
00:44:20.920 --> 00:44:26.280
Kirsten, Kirsten, Amanda, she's rowing your boat with you. Cause Kirsten likes,

573
00:44:26.280 --> 00:44:31.560
likes the bad boys too. Well, we got Kirsten. I know Kirsten. Oh, big time, Amanda. I'm with you.

574
00:44:33.560 --> 00:44:38.120
I didn't have this on my non-negotiable just now, but it is really true. Cause I've been

575
00:44:38.120 --> 00:44:42.600
going through this earlier in the year. I made a list of like, I'm praying through God. I want

576
00:44:42.600 --> 00:44:47.480
a guy that's like this and this and this. Right. So since we've done the book, I've modified it,

577
00:44:47.480 --> 00:44:54.600
but I really do think after being on the apps and everything, and I lowered my, uh, lowered my

578
00:44:54.600 --> 00:44:58.840
standards, like let a guy who didn't have an undergraduate do like, I'll go out with a guy

579
00:44:58.840 --> 00:44:59.800
who doesn't have a degree.

580
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.720
right, from a college. But I really don't know, but I think that being intellectual and having a

581
00:45:06.720 --> 00:45:14.320
degree, they could be non-negotiables, no? I don't think so. As someone who dropped out of

582
00:45:14.320 --> 00:45:20.640
college myself, I'm very intelligent. I think people that are entrepreneurs often do not see

583
00:45:21.440 --> 00:45:27.440
the value in any kind of standardized education, because from the time we were young,

584
00:45:27.440 --> 00:45:31.760
we were always building businesses and we were always doing things. So I think that an entrepreneur

585
00:45:31.760 --> 00:45:35.520
can definitely be someone that you would be attracted to, that would be on your level.

586
00:45:35.520 --> 00:45:40.880
I think that it's okay to be a sapiosexual. Everyone, listen, it's okay to need intellectual

587
00:45:40.880 --> 00:45:45.360
stimulation from your partner, and that absolutely can be a non-negotiable, but please don't let that

588
00:45:45.360 --> 00:45:52.720
be measured by a piece of paper from an institution that's dying. Now, she has to do what she does as

589
00:45:52.960 --> 00:45:58.400
education, because she's a lawyer. They don't let you just practice law unless you go to school to

590
00:45:58.400 --> 00:46:03.280
practice law and you pass the bar and you do the things. Some people do read the law,

591
00:46:03.280 --> 00:46:09.120
and those are really smart people that pass that way and get their juris doctorate. But

592
00:46:11.520 --> 00:46:17.600
all of you that are highly educated, all of you that have certificates on your wall, bravo,

593
00:46:17.600 --> 00:46:24.800
not underplaying that at all, but also downplaying that at all, but also understand that there are

594
00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:32.320
people that are brilliant, Elon Musk. There are people that are brilliant that have not graduated

595
00:46:32.320 --> 00:46:37.680
college, do not have those pieces of paper. There are people who build businesses. There are people

596
00:46:37.680 --> 00:46:45.360
that own companies that are blue collar companies like construction. And those guys are not dumb.

597
00:46:46.080 --> 00:46:52.080
Those women that do things that are not necessarily Ivy league level gentlemen that are educated,

598
00:46:52.720 --> 00:46:57.360
this usually is a woman thing, not a man thing, but they can meet you where you are intellectually.

599
00:46:57.360 --> 00:47:03.040
So my answer to that would be, do not judge someone by their level of education,

600
00:47:03.040 --> 00:47:08.400
judged by the compatibility in the conversation. Okay. Awesome. Sapiosexual.

601
00:47:08.960 --> 00:47:14.400
Yes. Yes. You're allowed. You're allowed to want intellectual stimulation.

602
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:20.480
You are allowed to. So, okay. So everyone get honest in here. I know it's a mixed crowd as

603
00:47:20.480 --> 00:47:24.800
far as there's people of faith. There's people that are agnostic and maybe not a faith. There's

604
00:47:24.800 --> 00:47:29.920
men, there's women, but, and I don't mean this. So if you're a person of faith, I don't mean

605
00:47:29.920 --> 00:47:36.320
you're running around sleeping around, but how many of you are pretty sexual people? You would

606
00:47:36.320 --> 00:47:44.160
admit to being very sexual person, someone who really, really, really that part of you needs,

607
00:47:46.000 --> 00:47:53.200
needs what it needs. Three people. Okay. Everybody else in the menopause,

608
00:47:53.200 --> 00:48:02.640
you have the menopause happening right now. All right. All right. Seven people. Okay. So

609
00:48:03.200 --> 00:48:09.840
if you know that you're a very sexual person, someone who really needs to have sexual

610
00:48:09.840 --> 00:48:14.720
compatibility, you want to make sure that you have that you're someone who could never fathom

611
00:48:14.720 --> 00:48:19.440
waiting to have the first kiss till the wedding day. Some people do this, y'all. This is some

612
00:48:19.440 --> 00:48:26.080
crazy stuff out here. Okay. My son did that. He's 31 years old. He had never had his first kiss

613
00:48:26.080 --> 00:48:31.040
until his wedding day, his first girlfriend too. And I was just like, Oh Lord. But you know,

614
00:48:31.040 --> 00:48:36.160
it worked out for them. It did. Um, I do not recommend that. I also do not recommend sleeping

615
00:48:36.160 --> 00:48:41.040
with someone that you're not married to. You're all grown adults. Y'all should know better than

616
00:48:41.040 --> 00:48:45.440
that. And I write about it in my book that just makes the water very muddy. It's going to let you

617
00:48:45.440 --> 00:48:49.520
miss a lot of red flags. In fact, a lot of you that have lather, rinse, repeated the same types

618
00:48:49.520 --> 00:48:54.160
of relationships over and over again. I'm not going to have you confess here, but I bet if you

619
00:48:54.240 --> 00:49:00.240
confessed, you had premarital sex with all those people. Okay. Because that's what happens.

620
00:49:01.840 --> 00:49:06.400
That's what happens. And then we start ignoring flags and we start putting up with things that

621
00:49:06.400 --> 00:49:14.000
we wouldn't put up with if there wasn't such high, uh, sexual intensity or emotional intensity. Okay.

622
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:20.880
All right. So for those of you that have that or raised your hand for that, that can be on

623
00:49:20.880 --> 00:49:26.640
your non-negotiable just in theory. Okay. Because you're not going to be trying out the car before

624
00:49:26.640 --> 00:49:32.880
you buy it, so to speak. So you're not going to really know, but you can eventually have it be

625
00:49:32.880 --> 00:49:41.280
part of your non-negotiables that you're with someone who also is not, um, not afraid of sex,

626
00:49:41.280 --> 00:49:47.280
not ashamed of sex, doesn't have a low sex drive. That can definitely be part because I have seen

627
00:49:47.280 --> 00:49:52.160
this play out in marriage where people are way misbalanced in this. And it does affect the

628
00:49:52.160 --> 00:49:58.400
marriage. It does affect the marriage. Like for instance, I have some older folks here. If you

629
00:49:58.400 --> 00:49:59.840
feel like that part of your life.

630
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:06.640
like that ship has sailed, then it's important that you are with someone who also thinks that

631
00:50:06.640 --> 00:50:12.480
that ship has sailed. I know of one, at least one, well, two, three, I know, uh, half a dozen

632
00:50:12.480 --> 00:50:19.200
people that are married now that do not have the same sort of sex drive and never have with their

633
00:50:19.200 --> 00:50:24.960
spouse. And while before marriage, it seems like, Oh, you know, that can be, we can make that

634
00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:30.640
compatible later. No, you can't. And you're probably not gonna. All right. Because there's

635
00:50:30.640 --> 00:50:37.040
mental reasons why people aren't interested in sex and there's emotional reasons. There's also

636
00:50:37.040 --> 00:50:41.440
physical reasons. And that can be corrected with some hormone replacement therapy normally.

637
00:50:41.440 --> 00:50:46.720
Okay. So that's the least of my worries, emotional, mental, and spiritual things

638
00:50:46.720 --> 00:50:53.120
are very hard to correct in this area. Okay. So if you marry someone who thinks you can only

639
00:50:53.120 --> 00:50:59.280
have sex with the lights off under the covers one time a month before 10 PM,

640
00:51:00.880 --> 00:51:05.840
that's probably not your person. When I teach premarital counseling, there's one page about

641
00:51:05.840 --> 00:51:11.520
sex about rank your desire for this person. Um, you know, how often do you expect to have sex

642
00:51:11.520 --> 00:51:16.400
with each other after you're married? It actually gets into the nitty gritty. And I've had people

643
00:51:16.400 --> 00:51:22.720
say, I expect to have sex every single day. Some people say twice a day. They're, they're really

644
00:51:22.720 --> 00:51:27.600
ambitious. Um, and then there's, and then their partner on the, on the assessment,

645
00:51:27.600 --> 00:51:30.880
cause they don't get to see each other's assessments. They can't see it until I coach

646
00:51:30.880 --> 00:51:37.200
them on the assessment. This person says, you know, every other week, twice a day and every

647
00:51:37.200 --> 00:51:42.880
other week, you think that's going to be a compatible situation? Nah, it's not. All right.

648
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:46.640
These are not things you can find out about the other person right away. Please do not bring up

649
00:51:46.640 --> 00:51:51.680
the sex conversation with someone that you're not exclusively seriously dating. These are things

650
00:51:51.680 --> 00:51:55.040
that you're going to vet out that are on your non-negotiable list that you're not going to vet

651
00:51:55.040 --> 00:51:59.520
out until you really know that you really like this person. And it's gone to exclusivity and

652
00:51:59.520 --> 00:52:02.960
it's getting serious. That's where you're going to start talking about this. Cause you know what

653
00:52:02.960 --> 00:52:10.480
happens when you start talking about sex? Anyone have a guess? You start wanting to have it.

654
00:52:12.320 --> 00:52:20.240
That's what happens. And so do not start talking about sex and trying to figure out that part of

655
00:52:20.240 --> 00:52:27.600
compatibility until after you are in an exclusive marriage minded relationship. Okay. All right.

656
00:52:28.800 --> 00:52:32.560
Okay. So let's talk about the readiness signals. Shall we? They're just four of them.

657
00:52:33.520 --> 00:52:37.680
Once you meet someone, once they meet your non-negotiables, remember you're watching over

658
00:52:37.680 --> 00:52:40.880
time to see if they meet the non-negotiables. You're not going to know it all from the very

659
00:52:40.880 --> 00:52:45.120
beginning. You're going to know it over the course of the first 30 to 60 days. And as soon as they

660
00:52:45.120 --> 00:52:49.360
break one of them, then it's time to say bye-bye. And we'll talk next week about what that looks

661
00:52:49.360 --> 00:52:53.040
like when we talk about the framework. How do you break up with someone? Or how do you tell

662
00:52:53.040 --> 00:52:57.360
someone that you don't think that you're a match after you've been talking to them for 45 days?

663
00:52:58.000 --> 00:53:02.160
Because they violated one of your non-negotiables. Should you tell someone up front what your

664
00:53:02.160 --> 00:53:08.320
non-negotiables are? Never. Of course not. Why would you give them the answers to the test?

665
00:53:09.920 --> 00:53:13.440
This is how you're going to end up in a relationship with someone who's faking it until they make it.

666
00:53:14.400 --> 00:53:18.800
No. Don't tell them. Okay. So here are the readiness signals that you're going to be

667
00:53:18.800 --> 00:53:22.960
looking. Okay. So you're, so you're dating. So you're dating. You've been on like five or six

668
00:53:22.960 --> 00:53:28.400
dates. Everything's great. You know, got some chemistry, got some compatibility. No non-negotiables

669
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:35.520
have been violated yet. How are you going to see in the next 15, 30 days if this person is actually

670
00:53:35.520 --> 00:53:40.640
ready for relationship or they just like to vibe? They just like to hang. There's something going on

671
00:53:41.600 --> 00:53:48.400
They just like to hang. They're just having fun. These things. Do they plan in advance?

672
00:53:50.240 --> 00:53:55.520
Do they see you in their future? Are they like, Oh, Hey, I want to know if you want to go to the

673
00:53:55.520 --> 00:54:00.720
basketball game with me. You know, it's six months from now I'm going to go out and buy us tickets.

674
00:54:00.720 --> 00:54:07.440
That's a good sign. That's a good sign. They're planning. They're planning in advance. It's not

675
00:54:07.440 --> 00:54:11.520
last minute. You're not an afterthought. You're a priority. They're prioritizing you gentlemen.

676
00:54:11.520 --> 00:54:15.760
This goes for you too. She's prioritizing you every time you try to get on another date with

677
00:54:15.760 --> 00:54:20.480
her. If she's busy, she's washing her hair. She's doing this. She's doing that. Then she may like

678
00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:27.920
you to a certain extent, but she's not really that motivated for relationship. Okay. So they're

679
00:54:27.920 --> 00:54:33.200
planning. They're executing those plans. Not last minute. They're prioritizing you. Second,

680
00:54:33.200 --> 00:54:36.800
their behavior matches their words. They're not saying one thing and doing another. They're not

681
00:54:36.800 --> 00:54:41.280
saying I'd love to see you again. And then not talking to you for two weeks. They're not saying

682
00:54:41.280 --> 00:54:46.560
I had a great time. And then you're not hearing from them for a month. Okay. Their behavior matches

683
00:54:46.560 --> 00:54:52.080
their words. They're introducing you to their world. If someone is really excited about you,

684
00:54:52.080 --> 00:54:59.840
I promise you, they're going to start putting you in their world. They're going to invite you to.

685
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.760
things that the people that they care about are going to be at as well.

686
00:55:03.760 --> 00:55:06.560
They'll invite you to a party, they'll invite you to be a plus one at a wedding,

687
00:55:06.560 --> 00:55:11.520
they'll invite you over the house, they'll invite you to a family barbecue at summertime still,

688
00:55:11.520 --> 00:55:16.080
they'll invite you to a boat day with the fam, with the friends, with the church community,

689
00:55:16.080 --> 00:55:19.760
they'll invite you to their church. If they invite you to their church, they really like you,

690
00:55:19.760 --> 00:55:22.640
okay? Because everyone at church is going to be asking them who you are.

691
00:55:24.240 --> 00:55:28.000
So if they're willing for you to come and go to their church and sit next to them,

692
00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:32.480
first of all, what they're doing is they're essentially telling everybody else who's single

693
00:55:32.480 --> 00:55:36.000
in the church that they're taken and no one's going to do that if they don't really like you

694
00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:40.320
because they want those options to be open. And number two, they know that the people at their

695
00:55:40.320 --> 00:55:43.040
church, especially if it's their church and they've been going there for a long time,

696
00:55:43.040 --> 00:55:47.920
are going to start being real nosy about you and who you are. So they must be proud to be

697
00:55:47.920 --> 00:55:52.320
seen with you and they must think that it could be serious in order for them to do that.

698
00:55:52.320 --> 00:55:55.600
Or they're trying to get you saved. It could be, yeah, it could be that too.

699
00:55:56.240 --> 00:56:01.360
They're trying to see whether or not you're a true believer. If you come in there, you guys,

700
00:56:01.360 --> 00:56:04.240
this is not a political statement. It's just a funny statement. I don't care if you like

701
00:56:04.240 --> 00:56:09.920
Donald Trump or not, but if you come in there and you're like, you know, what's this one Corinthians,

702
00:56:09.920 --> 00:56:15.920
they're going to know that you lied about going to church every week, okay? It's just funny.

703
00:56:15.920 --> 00:56:20.080
Don't come for me. I don't give a crap who the president is. I'm not political at all.

704
00:56:20.080 --> 00:56:25.120
I'm not political at all. Okay. All right. Number three, introducing you to their world.

705
00:56:25.120 --> 00:56:29.520
Number four, how do they handle a rough spot when it happens? And it's going to happen.

706
00:56:29.520 --> 00:56:33.200
You guys are going to disagree on something. They're going to have to cancel. You're going

707
00:56:33.200 --> 00:56:39.200
to have to cancel. There's going to be some kind of inconvenience. Um, I really do ladies. I do

708
00:56:39.200 --> 00:56:44.160
definitely recommend in the first 30 days of dating a guy, ask him to help you with something.

709
00:56:44.960 --> 00:56:48.000
If something naturally doesn't come up in life, make something up,

710
00:56:50.960 --> 00:56:55.920
but say Tarsha, that your dog is 17 years old. And you find out while you're dating this guy

711
00:56:55.920 --> 00:57:01.760
that you got to put the dog down, ask him to come be with you. When you put the dog down,

712
00:57:01.760 --> 00:57:05.120
you've been on seven dates, ask him to come with you, put your dog down.

713
00:57:06.720 --> 00:57:12.080
You're like, what? Yeah. Uh-huh. Do that. You want to see how compassionate and

714
00:57:12.240 --> 00:57:16.960
you want to see how compassionate he's going to be because this is the person that's going

715
00:57:16.960 --> 00:57:22.800
to be by you when your parents pass away, when you got to bury a parent. Okay. This is a person

716
00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:27.200
that's going to be bad by you. When someone loses a job or something else happens, you want to see,

717
00:57:27.920 --> 00:57:34.560
you know, are they compassionate? Are they empathetic? Yeah. All right. If you got something

718
00:57:34.560 --> 00:57:38.720
that is fishy about your car, the engine light comes on and say, Hey, you know, can you take a

719
00:57:38.720 --> 00:57:45.600
look at this? Gentlemen, you don't feel good. Ask her to bring you some soup. Ask her to make

720
00:57:45.600 --> 00:57:52.720
you some soup. That's the real test. Can this lady make soup? She probably can't, but you can

721
00:57:52.720 --> 00:57:57.840
ask her to, she might go to Panera and then go home and put it in a pot and make you think she

722
00:57:57.840 --> 00:58:05.920
made it, but whatever. But seriously, if you don't feel good and you're just like, you know, don't,

723
00:58:05.920 --> 00:58:10.080
don't try to hide that. Don't try to man up, you know, tell her you've been on five, six,

724
00:58:10.080 --> 00:58:16.800
seven dates. Guys are really friendly, starting to really like each other. Say, Hey, I'm feeling

725
00:58:16.800 --> 00:58:20.720
really bad today. You know, do you think that you think you could, you could bring me some medicine?

726
00:58:20.720 --> 00:58:28.960
Do you think you could bring me some soup? That'd be really great. Why? Because you want a nurturing

727
00:58:28.960 --> 00:58:35.680
wife. You want a feminine wife. You want a wife that's going to help you and love you and partner

728
00:58:35.680 --> 00:58:40.480
with you. These are great little tests. And so those things kind of naturally come up in life,

729
00:58:40.480 --> 00:58:44.320
right? Where we have something, if you need a ride, ask them to give you a ride somewhere.

730
00:58:44.320 --> 00:58:46.960
If your car's broke down, it's in the shop, ask them to give you a ride.

731
00:58:48.640 --> 00:58:52.080
If you guys are going someplace and you're going to meet there and it's really far and you don't

732
00:58:52.080 --> 00:58:56.320
like to park ladies and you want to be a passenger princess, ask them to come over and pick you up.

733
00:58:57.440 --> 00:59:02.160
Now, men don't always offer this right away because they think women like to be independent.

734
00:59:02.160 --> 00:59:05.840
See, we've given men a lot of mixed signals and now they don't know what to do. Just so you know,

735
00:59:07.680 --> 00:59:11.520
do I open the door? Don't I open the door? Do I pay the check? Don't I pay the check? Do I offer

736
00:59:11.520 --> 00:59:16.080
to give her a ride? Or does she think I'm a serial killer? If I do that, like they don't know.

737
00:59:16.880 --> 00:59:24.240
All right. So you lead him the way you want him to go, but how do they handle when things get hard

738
00:59:24.240 --> 00:59:31.680
or when trouble shows up, do they try to help you? I don't recommend borrowing money or asking for

739
00:59:31.680 --> 00:59:37.360
some kind of financial help when you first start dating someone. And I don't actually recommend

740
00:59:37.360 --> 00:59:42.000
taking it if they offer it, like if they find out that you need it, unless you're really serious

741
00:59:42.000 --> 00:59:46.240
about this person and you think they're going to be your person. Okay. All right. I think a lot

742
00:59:46.240 --> 00:59:52.960
of you guys know that when I was first dating David, my phone got broken, my, my cell phone.

743
00:59:52.960 --> 00:59:57.440
And I had one of those flip razors. I had that pink flip razor. Anyone else have that pink flip

744
00:59:57.440 --> 00:59:59.840
razor? So I had that Motorola flip pink.

745
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.000
phaser phone, and I found another one on Craigslist.

746
01:00:04.000 --> 01:00:05.320
You remember Craigslist?

747
01:00:05.320 --> 01:00:07.200
I found one on Craigslist.

748
01:00:07.200 --> 01:00:09.540
And I was scared of Craigslist.

749
01:00:09.540 --> 01:00:11.040
I mean, you don't know what weirdos.

750
01:00:11.040 --> 01:00:13.720
This was a brand new thing that people were doing.

751
01:00:13.720 --> 01:00:15.280
Social media was not around yet.

752
01:00:15.280 --> 01:00:16.200
There was no Facebook.

753
01:00:16.200 --> 01:00:17.240
There was no marketplace.

754
01:00:17.240 --> 01:00:18.700
You couldn't see people's profiles.

755
01:00:18.700 --> 01:00:21.320
It was just a one ad on the computer.

756
01:00:21.320 --> 01:00:22.400
And it could be anyone.

757
01:00:22.400 --> 01:00:23.920
You don't know who they are.

758
01:00:23.920 --> 01:00:25.600
And so I asked my next-door neighbor,

759
01:00:25.600 --> 01:00:27.480
who I had been on a few dates with, I said,

760
01:00:27.480 --> 01:00:29.960
hey, I've got to go buy a phone off a guy on Craigslist,

761
01:00:29.960 --> 01:00:31.320
and I'm afraid to go by myself.

762
01:00:31.320 --> 01:00:32.160
Will you go with me?

763
01:00:32.160 --> 01:00:33.760
He said, absolutely, I'll take you.

764
01:00:33.760 --> 01:00:34.800
I won't just go with you.

765
01:00:34.800 --> 01:00:35.340
I'll drive you.

766
01:00:35.340 --> 01:00:37.120
So he drove me, and then on the way back,

767
01:00:37.120 --> 01:00:38.440
we got some Mexican food.

768
01:00:38.440 --> 01:00:40.840
And really, honestly, we were thick as thieves ever

769
01:00:40.840 --> 01:00:41.880
since then.

770
01:00:41.880 --> 01:00:44.800
And so don't be afraid to ask for help.

771
01:00:44.800 --> 01:00:48.320
OK, all right, so those are the four readiness signals

772
01:00:48.320 --> 01:00:49.280
you guys want.

773
01:00:49.280 --> 01:00:51.840
You're dating someone, getting to know them.

774
01:00:51.840 --> 01:00:54.040
You're going to be looking for those things

775
01:00:54.040 --> 01:00:56.040
in order to see if they're actually really ready

776
01:00:56.040 --> 01:00:59.160
and they have the capacity to have relationship.

777
01:00:59.160 --> 01:01:01.040
All right, what time is it?

778
01:01:01.040 --> 01:01:02.080
We have 15 minutes.

779
01:01:02.080 --> 01:01:08.840
All right, so I'm going to put you back into some breakouts.

780
01:01:08.840 --> 01:01:12.200
Cheryl, get ready, because I want

781
01:01:12.200 --> 01:01:16.080
you to talk to each other honestly about chemistry,

782
01:01:16.080 --> 01:01:19.080
because chemistry is not compatibility.

783
01:01:19.080 --> 01:01:22.080
And your homework in the reading that you did,

784
01:01:22.080 --> 01:01:25.280
we talked about chemistry versus compatibility.

785
01:01:25.360 --> 01:01:29.440
And I want you to be honest about the people

786
01:01:29.440 --> 01:01:33.120
that you've been drawn to, what type keeps pulling you in

787
01:01:33.120 --> 01:01:37.200
that really is not good, OK, what kind of patterns

788
01:01:37.200 --> 01:01:40.920
you have in this area of chemistry over compatibility.

789
01:01:40.920 --> 01:01:43.320
And if you know where it first came from, like Amanda,

790
01:01:43.320 --> 01:01:45.560
if you know where it comes from, it comes from family,

791
01:01:45.560 --> 01:01:47.080
it comes from a first love, it comes

792
01:01:47.080 --> 01:01:49.920
from a specific heartbreak or a specific situation,

793
01:01:49.920 --> 01:01:54.360
then you can briefly share that too, all right?

794
01:01:54.400 --> 01:01:57.200
And then just go ahead and just kind of make the declaration

795
01:01:57.200 --> 01:02:00.160
to each other that you are going to put compatibility

796
01:02:00.160 --> 01:02:05.600
over chemistry in the future, because when you're compatible,

797
01:02:05.600 --> 01:02:08.840
it creates natural chemistry, truly compatible.

798
01:02:08.840 --> 01:02:11.840
That means mentally, emotionally, spiritually,

799
01:02:11.840 --> 01:02:13.880
and physically, OK?

800
01:02:13.880 --> 01:02:17.240
Physical chemistry is an absolute must.

801
01:02:17.240 --> 01:02:18.480
It's on the bus.

802
01:02:18.480 --> 01:02:20.840
It's just not driving the bus, especially

803
01:02:20.840 --> 01:02:23.560
if it's been driving your bus off the cliff

804
01:02:23.560 --> 01:02:25.600
over and over and over again, all right?

805
01:02:25.600 --> 01:02:27.360
So be honest about what you've been

806
01:02:27.360 --> 01:02:28.680
attracted to about someone.

807
01:02:28.680 --> 01:02:31.040
It can be something very specific.

808
01:02:31.040 --> 01:02:34.800
And then if you know where that comes from,

809
01:02:34.800 --> 01:02:39.160
like what is that dysfunctional attraction rooted in,

810
01:02:39.160 --> 01:02:41.360
and then make that declaration that you're

811
01:02:41.360 --> 01:02:45.240
going to prioritize healthy compatibility

812
01:02:45.240 --> 01:02:50.160
over unhealthy chemistry in the future, OK?

813
01:02:50.160 --> 01:02:52.800
All right, so we're going to find the pattern here, friends,

814
01:02:52.840 --> 01:02:55.200
and we'll go ahead and be in those groups.

815
01:02:55.200 --> 01:02:57.480
Put them in groups of three, three or four,

816
01:02:57.480 --> 01:02:59.960
and we'll give them about 10 minutes.

817
01:02:59.960 --> 01:03:03.120
We'll come back for some shares before we leave.

818
01:03:23.800 --> 01:03:25.800
All right, welcome back.

819
01:03:25.800 --> 01:03:28.120
All right, we just have a few minutes left.

820
01:03:28.120 --> 01:03:29.640
I'm going to give you some homework.

821
01:03:29.640 --> 01:03:33.800
Besides what we're going to do and whatever is in your book,

822
01:03:33.800 --> 01:03:38.120
what's laid out in your course material to do for week five,

823
01:03:38.120 --> 01:03:39.760
definitely make sure that you do that.

824
01:03:39.760 --> 01:03:41.480
Whatever worksheets are there, whatever

825
01:03:41.480 --> 01:03:43.960
homework you're going to do, make sure that you do that.

826
01:03:43.960 --> 01:03:45.840
And then we'll come back for a few minutes.

827
01:03:45.840 --> 01:03:48.040
All right, so we're going to go ahead and wrap up.

828
01:03:48.040 --> 01:03:49.600
We're going to go ahead and wrap up.

829
01:03:49.600 --> 01:03:51.120
Definitely make sure that you do that,

830
01:03:51.120 --> 01:03:54.000
whatever worksheets are there, whatever homework is there.

831
01:03:54.000 --> 01:03:56.320
But besides that, I'm going to have you do another activation

832
01:03:56.320 --> 01:03:59.120
that is going to be our icebreaker for next week.

833
01:03:59.120 --> 01:04:01.720
The next week is all going to be about dating like a matchmaker,

834
01:04:01.720 --> 01:04:03.480
using that 90-day framework.

835
01:04:03.480 --> 01:04:06.080
It's going to be about really digging into what that looks like.

836
01:04:06.080 --> 01:04:09.840
And it's also going to be about playing matchmaker for others

837
01:04:09.840 --> 01:04:12.360
as we wind up the book club.

838
01:04:12.360 --> 01:04:16.880
But before we get there, when we get into our sessions next week,

839
01:04:16.880 --> 01:04:21.000
I want to talk about what does your life practically look like?

840
01:04:21.000 --> 01:04:23.480
We just talk about readiness, okay?

841
01:04:23.480 --> 01:04:26.480
We talk about what really says that we're ready.

842
01:04:26.480 --> 01:04:30.680
And prioritizing relationship in this part of your life,

843
01:04:30.680 --> 01:04:33.640
prioritizing dating and getting to know people

844
01:04:33.640 --> 01:04:36.840
is going to be, you know, the most important thing.

845
01:04:36.840 --> 01:04:38.880
Having those non-negotiables, having those preferences,

846
01:04:38.880 --> 01:04:41.120
knowing what you're looking for before you get back out

847
01:04:41.120 --> 01:04:44.960
into the dating world, that's going to be so important, okay?

848
01:04:44.960 --> 01:04:48.080
But at the same time, you have to meet new people

849
01:04:48.080 --> 01:04:51.200
in order to use that framework with someone.

850
01:04:51.200 --> 01:04:53.200
And so what does your life look like?

851
01:04:53.200 --> 01:04:57.160
So what I want you to do is I want you to do an audit

852
01:04:57.160 --> 01:04:59.520
of your typical week.

853
01:04:59.520 --> 01:05:00.360
So what?

854
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.000
What does it look like?

855
01:05:01.000 --> 01:05:02.000
Where do you go?

856
01:05:02.000 --> 01:05:03.000
Do you go to the gym?

857
01:05:03.000 --> 01:05:04.000
Do you go to work?

858
01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:05.000
Where do you go to work?

859
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:06.000
Do you go in the office?

860
01:05:06.000 --> 01:05:07.000
Do you work from home?

861
01:05:07.000 --> 01:05:09.000
Um, do you go to the coffee shop to work?

862
01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:10.000
Do you go, do you walk to work?

863
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:11.000
Do you drive to work?

864
01:05:11.000 --> 01:05:12.000
Um, where do you stop on the way?

865
01:05:12.000 --> 01:05:13.000
We are creatures of habit.

866
01:05:13.000 --> 01:05:14.000
We are creatures of routine.

867
01:05:14.000 --> 01:05:15.000
Tell us what your routine looks like and don't be telling us the life that you wish you had.

868
01:05:15.000 --> 01:05:16.000
We want to know what you do.

869
01:05:16.000 --> 01:05:17.000
If you stop at the gas station every single morning and you eat gas station pastries on

870
01:05:17.000 --> 01:05:18.000
the way to work, we want to know.

871
01:05:18.000 --> 01:05:19.000
All right?

872
01:05:19.000 --> 01:05:32.000
Is it always the same gas station?

873
01:05:32.000 --> 01:05:33.000
Where, what do you do?

874
01:05:33.000 --> 01:05:34.000
You go to the same grocery store?

875
01:05:34.000 --> 01:05:35.000
You go to different grocery stores?

876
01:05:35.000 --> 01:05:40.800
You go to the same gym, like the same location of your gym?

877
01:05:40.800 --> 01:05:43.600
Or do you go to different locations depending on what day?

878
01:05:43.600 --> 01:05:44.600
All right?

879
01:05:44.600 --> 01:05:48.800
These are things that we are going to smoke out where you're hiding in life, where you're

880
01:05:48.800 --> 01:05:49.800
keeping your head down.

881
01:05:49.800 --> 01:05:50.800
A lot of people always say there's no one to date.

882
01:05:50.800 --> 01:05:57.880
I can't, but you are missing.

883
01:05:57.880 --> 01:05:59.660
You are missing.

884
01:05:59.660 --> 01:06:00.660
Is that what you're going to say?

885
01:06:00.660 --> 01:06:01.660
Okay.

886
01:06:01.660 --> 01:06:02.660
You guys could hear me though.

887
01:06:02.660 --> 01:06:03.660
Right?

888
01:06:03.660 --> 01:06:04.660
Okay.

889
01:06:04.660 --> 01:06:08.680
You are missing out on so many opportunities to meet people in your everyday schedule and

890
01:06:08.680 --> 01:06:11.760
routine depending on what your schedule and routine looks like.

891
01:06:11.760 --> 01:06:16.800
Some of you guys need to expand your routine and some of you need to pay more attention

892
01:06:16.800 --> 01:06:18.520
during your routine.

893
01:06:18.520 --> 01:06:24.760
So we want a synopsis that you're going to share in groups when we get back next week

894
01:06:24.760 --> 01:06:29.800
of what does a day in the life or a week in the life of you look like?

895
01:06:29.800 --> 01:06:30.800
All right.

896
01:06:30.800 --> 01:06:31.800
You're real weak.

897
01:06:31.800 --> 01:06:32.800
All right.

898
01:06:32.800 --> 01:06:34.960
We want to be, we want to make you findable.

899
01:06:34.960 --> 01:06:36.240
It's important that you become findable.

900
01:06:36.240 --> 01:06:37.240
All right.

901
01:06:37.240 --> 01:06:41.660
We have quite, we have the time for maybe two questions before we end tonight.

902
01:06:42.560 --> 01:06:43.560
Who has a question?

903
01:06:43.560 --> 01:06:44.560
Sorry.

904
01:06:44.560 --> 01:06:51.340
I'm not used to using this, so it was back there, but you can still hear me, right?

905
01:06:51.340 --> 01:06:53.260
To sound kind of far away.

906
01:06:53.260 --> 01:06:54.260
Okay.

907
01:06:54.260 --> 01:06:56.780
We can hear you clearly now.

908
01:06:56.780 --> 01:06:57.780
Thank you.

909
01:06:57.780 --> 01:06:58.780
Sarah, go ahead.

910
01:06:58.780 --> 01:06:59.780
Okay.

911
01:06:59.780 --> 01:07:00.780
I'll come off video.

912
01:07:00.780 --> 01:07:01.780
My kids are around.

913
01:07:01.780 --> 01:07:10.580
So I'm curious about Christian doctrine.

914
01:07:10.580 --> 01:07:16.940
Like I talked to someone in my breakout about this, but theology wise, like someone who's

915
01:07:16.940 --> 01:07:23.780
very charismatic versus someone who's more reformed theology, how, I don't know if you're

916
01:07:23.780 --> 01:07:29.620
familiar with the different, you know, and how that plays out.

917
01:07:29.620 --> 01:07:34.580
Because I recently went on a date with a guy who's super into like experiences and spirit

918
01:07:34.580 --> 01:07:36.660
stuff and tongues.

919
01:07:36.660 --> 01:07:39.100
And I'm just, I'm not familiar with that.

920
01:07:39.100 --> 01:07:44.620
I'm more like Bible believing church and we don't act in those ways, I guess.

921
01:07:44.620 --> 01:07:47.780
And so I'm curious your thoughts.

922
01:07:47.780 --> 01:07:48.780
Yeah.

923
01:07:48.780 --> 01:07:55.060
I think that, I think that faith can be a non-negotiable and some people absolutely are just not open

924
01:07:55.060 --> 01:08:01.380
to different forms of worship or denominations or what those denominations believe.

925
01:08:01.380 --> 01:08:05.020
I have a lot of people who don't even think Catholics are Christians.

926
01:08:05.020 --> 01:08:09.900
And so, you know, if that's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker for you.

927
01:08:09.900 --> 01:08:15.340
Like I can sit here and talk about a lot of reasons why, you know, it shouldn't be a deal

928
01:08:15.340 --> 01:08:18.340
breaker and why we should all be open to growing.

929
01:08:18.340 --> 01:08:24.960
And you know, if equally yoked means everyone believing that, you know, Jesus is the son

930
01:08:24.960 --> 01:08:31.180
of God and that's the criteria for that, which it is by the way, that, you know, we can be

931
01:08:31.180 --> 01:08:37.540
open to, you know, having different viewpoints on worship and denominations.

932
01:08:37.540 --> 01:08:43.740
But when it plays out, I think the people that do the best are people who share the

933
01:08:43.740 --> 01:08:49.939
same faith and pretty much share the same way that they're going to walk that faith

934
01:08:49.939 --> 01:08:50.939
out.

935
01:08:50.939 --> 01:08:56.180
So yes, Sarah, to answer your question, especially if things make you uncomfortable and it just

936
01:08:56.180 --> 01:09:01.660
isn't something that you want to necessarily compromise on.

937
01:09:01.660 --> 01:09:03.660
Victoria, what about you?

938
01:09:03.660 --> 01:09:07.859
Hi Jackie.

939
01:09:07.859 --> 01:09:13.260
So my question is, I got out of a serious engagement about August 19th when I broke

940
01:09:13.260 --> 01:09:20.240
up and I realized it just, you know, wasn't compatibility really wasn't there anymore.

941
01:09:20.240 --> 01:09:25.180
And so I'm just wondering doing this book club has really helped me get back feeling

942
01:09:25.180 --> 01:09:26.300
get back in the groove.

943
01:09:26.300 --> 01:09:33.859
But then what do you recommend as someone you have experienced with that and others,

944
01:09:33.859 --> 01:09:37.180
how do you know you're ready to get back in there versus when you just need more heart

945
01:09:37.180 --> 01:09:38.180
healing?

946
01:09:38.180 --> 01:09:43.660
Like, how do you know inside, you know what I mean?

947
01:09:43.660 --> 01:09:45.979
Yeah, I do know what you mean.

948
01:09:45.979 --> 01:09:47.060
I'm on still, right?

949
01:09:47.060 --> 01:09:49.620
My volume is on still.

950
01:09:49.620 --> 01:09:50.620
I do know what you mean.

951
01:09:50.620 --> 01:09:51.899
And I think for everyone, it's different.

952
01:09:51.899 --> 01:09:57.100
We can't say, oh, you should wait six months after a divorce, six months after ended engagement,

953
01:09:57.100 --> 01:09:58.940
six months after a breakup.

954
01:09:58.940 --> 01:10:00.020
I think that.

955
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:10.040
It has to do with how long you knew that the relationship wasn't compatible.

956
01:10:10.040 --> 01:10:14.200
A lot of times people will stay in relationships that they know inevitably are going to end.

957
01:10:14.200 --> 01:10:18.680
Maybe they're trying to save the relationship to some certain extent, but they've been disconnected

958
01:10:18.680 --> 01:10:22.160
from that person for a really long time because a lot of people will grieve the ending of

959
01:10:22.160 --> 01:10:24.880
a relationship during the relationship.

960
01:10:24.880 --> 01:10:29.920
So they're grieving the entire time, and if that's the case ... Now, if you get blindsided,

961
01:10:29.920 --> 01:10:32.700
if anyone's ever had this experience, you can raise your hand, but you think you're

962
01:10:32.700 --> 01:10:36.240
in a happy marriage or you think you're in a happy engagement or even boyfriend-girlfriend

963
01:10:36.240 --> 01:10:39.720
situation, and then you find out the other person's living a double life, you get sucker

964
01:10:39.720 --> 01:10:42.160
punched with a betrayal of some sort.

965
01:10:42.160 --> 01:10:43.160
They're cheating.

966
01:10:43.160 --> 01:10:44.160
They're this, they're that.

967
01:10:44.160 --> 01:10:45.160
They've been lying.

968
01:10:45.160 --> 01:10:46.680
They're not who they said they were.

969
01:10:46.680 --> 01:10:49.960
That takes a while to get over, and if you get into a relationship right after that because

970
01:10:49.960 --> 01:10:56.020
it just came out of nowhere, you probably will be rebounding.

971
01:10:56.020 --> 01:10:59.400
But if you've been in a relationship that's been on the rocks for a long time, you've

972
01:10:59.400 --> 01:11:05.120
been slowly disconnecting, painfully disconnecting over months and maybe even years in some people's

973
01:11:05.120 --> 01:11:10.920
cases when they've been married, then I think that when it finally is over, it's really

974
01:11:10.920 --> 01:11:16.560
a relief, and I think that a lot of times you disconnected so long before it actually

975
01:11:16.560 --> 01:11:23.520
ended that you probably would be ready to start getting to know people.

976
01:11:23.520 --> 01:11:25.360
I wouldn't jump into something serious.

977
01:11:25.360 --> 01:11:30.240
The thing you have to watch out for is jumping into something and then pacing way too fast

978
01:11:30.240 --> 01:11:34.640
because you're trying to get the new relationship to the same level of intimacy as the old one.

979
01:11:34.640 --> 01:11:38.360
This is why people get married really quick right after ending a marriage.

980
01:11:38.360 --> 01:11:45.480
This is why people will escalate from dating, just meeting someone and dating them, to serious

981
01:11:45.480 --> 01:11:52.840
relationship, to I love you, to having sex, to getting married, to something that is way

982
01:11:52.840 --> 01:11:54.400
too fast.

983
01:11:54.400 --> 01:11:58.400
And that is always kind of your sign that you're trying to replace something that has

984
01:11:58.400 --> 01:11:59.640
been lost.

985
01:11:59.640 --> 01:12:03.920
So the only way you can know that is by doing it, Victoria, when you get out there, if you

986
01:12:03.920 --> 01:12:09.880
see yourself starting to pace too fast, if you see yourself not trusting people or kind

987
01:12:09.880 --> 01:12:17.200
of withdrawing because you just don't think that you can let that person in, then it might

988
01:12:17.200 --> 01:12:19.440
say that you just need some more hard work.

989
01:12:20.440 --> 01:12:23.200
Yeah, because I feel like I did both.

990
01:12:23.200 --> 01:12:28.160
I feel like I knew back in June that this wasn't working and I did a lot of mourning

991
01:12:28.160 --> 01:12:34.240
then and then it seems like when someone was, and I also experienced him pretending to be

992
01:12:34.240 --> 01:12:37.960
somebody he wasn't fully being honest about.

993
01:12:37.960 --> 01:12:43.040
And then I saw that crumbling because I started getting into more arguments and trying to

994
01:12:43.040 --> 01:12:46.880
talk about things and you would just get fight and deflect and I'm like, okay, this is not

995
01:12:46.880 --> 01:12:47.880
working.

996
01:12:48.320 --> 01:12:55.160
I can't have a conversation with someone that's going to keep pushing me away every time.

997
01:12:55.160 --> 01:12:57.360
Like that's not, and he wasn't like that before.

998
01:12:57.360 --> 01:13:00.640
So it's this kind of, it was both I feel.

999
01:13:00.640 --> 01:13:04.760
And then there's a part of me that's like, I so used to, my old habit was just to be

1000
01:13:04.760 --> 01:13:09.960
a hermit and hide because the first relationship I ever done, I hermited for five years.

1001
01:13:09.960 --> 01:13:13.960
So I'm like, I don't want to go back to the old ways, but I also don't want to hurt myself

1002
01:13:13.960 --> 01:13:14.960
either.

1003
01:13:14.960 --> 01:13:15.960
And then I said, rebound.

1004
01:13:15.960 --> 01:13:16.960
So it's like healthy.

1005
01:13:16.960 --> 01:13:21.520
I feel like I want to go back cause I got cheated.

1006
01:13:21.520 --> 01:13:24.280
And then also it's like, well, I don't want to rush either.

1007
01:13:24.280 --> 01:13:28.160
Well, remember you're going to be back out there with a lot of new information, so you're

1008
01:13:28.160 --> 01:13:31.560
not going to be dating the way that you've ever dated in the past because if you follow

1009
01:13:31.560 --> 01:13:35.360
this criteria, you're going to be dating differently than you've ever dated before.

1010
01:13:35.360 --> 01:13:39.440
So if you stay in these guardrails, then you should be safe from what you're talking about.

1011
01:13:39.440 --> 01:13:40.440
Okay.

1012
01:13:40.440 --> 01:13:41.440
All right.

1013
01:13:41.440 --> 01:13:42.440
Thank you, Jackie.

1014
01:13:42.440 --> 01:13:43.440
You're welcome.

1015
01:13:43.440 --> 01:13:44.440
Hi, Carolyn.

1016
01:13:44.440 --> 01:13:45.440
I have kind of a, I feel like it's complicated.

1017
01:13:45.440 --> 01:13:59.880
It's probably way simpler because I'm just feeling emotionally attached.

1018
01:13:59.880 --> 01:14:07.560
But basically I just moved out here to Texas following the Lord, but also partly like felt

1019
01:14:07.560 --> 01:14:12.880
like I was trying, I was trying to leave a relationship for the last two years since

1020
01:14:12.880 --> 01:14:15.400
I started it.

1021
01:14:15.400 --> 01:14:19.800
But I really love the guy and he's finally at the place where he's like, I want to marry

1022
01:14:19.800 --> 01:14:22.040
you now that you're not here.

1023
01:14:22.040 --> 01:14:28.560
And that's been hard to like, it's only the second time somebody's soft wanted to marry

1024
01:14:28.560 --> 01:14:30.800
me in my entire life and I'm 45 and I really want kids.

1025
01:14:30.800 --> 01:14:31.800
He wants kids.

1026
01:14:31.800 --> 01:14:32.800
Okay.

1027
01:14:32.800 --> 01:14:33.800
So let's backtrack.

1028
01:14:33.800 --> 01:14:34.800
Okay.

1029
01:14:34.800 --> 01:14:35.800
Cause we need more information.

1030
01:14:35.800 --> 01:14:38.880
So you moved to Texas and you moved from where?

1031
01:14:38.880 --> 01:14:40.840
Reading California where I met you.

1032
01:14:41.000 --> 01:14:45.680
How long were you in relationship or this situation ship with this person when you lived

1033
01:14:45.680 --> 01:14:46.680
in the same place?

1034
01:14:46.680 --> 01:14:51.080
Well, the situation ship was a little under two years and we started dating officially

1035
01:14:51.080 --> 01:14:52.800
in February.

1036
01:14:52.800 --> 01:14:54.200
Okay.

1037
01:14:54.200 --> 01:14:59.000
And you guys broke up when you moved away or you decided to keep it going?

1038
01:14:59.000 --> 01:15:00.040
So I told him.

1039
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.960
that I was willing to at least try some long distance,

1040
01:15:02.960 --> 01:15:04.360
but he was like, we're broken up.

1041
01:15:04.360 --> 01:15:06.520
So when I got here to Reading,

1042
01:15:06.520 --> 01:15:08.600
I had like a ton of interest, people,

1043
01:15:08.600 --> 01:15:11.120
well, not Reading, I'm in Tyler, Texas, sorry, my brain.

1044
01:15:11.120 --> 01:15:13.280
Anyway, I had like three different people interested in me.

1045
01:15:13.280 --> 01:15:14.600
I hopped on the back of a motorcycle

1046
01:15:14.600 --> 01:15:17.200
for the first time in my life, actually, with a guy.

1047
01:15:17.200 --> 01:15:19.080
And it's been very exciting.

1048
01:15:19.080 --> 01:15:21.320
And then he's also kind of like not in a good place.

1049
01:15:21.320 --> 01:15:23.040
And so nothing's happening now.

1050
01:15:23.040 --> 01:15:26.720
But anyway, it made my other guy really jealous

1051
01:15:26.720 --> 01:15:28.240
and worried and freaked out.

1052
01:15:28.240 --> 01:15:31.680
And then he like, and then I like blocked him for a while.

1053
01:15:31.680 --> 01:15:33.560
And then he was like, now I really wanna marry you.

1054
01:15:33.560 --> 01:15:34.880
And I'm like, oh my Lord.

1055
01:15:34.880 --> 01:15:37.600
So I just, it's the only second time in my life.

1056
01:15:37.600 --> 01:15:40.040
And Jackie, I mean, I feel like God's telling me no,

1057
01:15:40.040 --> 01:15:43.560
but I don't know, it's hard for me to like walk away

1058
01:15:43.560 --> 01:15:47.960
because I'm just afraid I'm not gonna find somebody else.

1059
01:15:47.960 --> 01:15:48.800
That's the honest truth.

1060
01:15:48.800 --> 01:15:50.360
Yeah, well, remember you're running

1061
01:15:50.360 --> 01:15:53.080
that scarcity script, right?

1062
01:15:53.080 --> 01:15:54.760
Yeah, you're running the scarcity script.

1063
01:15:54.760 --> 01:15:57.600
This guy is showing you that, yeah,

1064
01:15:57.640 --> 01:15:58.680
he might be interested,

1065
01:15:58.680 --> 01:16:00.960
but he also isn't ready for a relationship.

1066
01:16:00.960 --> 01:16:03.240
He had you in his backyard for two years,

1067
01:16:03.240 --> 01:16:04.480
never made a commitment,

1068
01:16:04.480 --> 01:16:07.720
never made any move towards marriage then.

1069
01:16:07.720 --> 01:16:09.680
He only made a move towards marriage

1070
01:16:09.680 --> 01:16:11.320
after you're telling him the stories

1071
01:16:11.320 --> 01:16:14.360
of your new adventures with Motorcycle Man, all right?

1072
01:16:14.360 --> 01:16:17.560
So that kind of tells you everything you need to know.

1073
01:16:17.560 --> 01:16:19.240
And you know it already.

1074
01:16:19.240 --> 01:16:21.000
I'm not telling you something that you don't know.

1075
01:16:21.000 --> 01:16:22.600
I'm just confirming what you already know.

1076
01:16:22.600 --> 01:16:25.480
And that is, you might like the chemistry with this guy

1077
01:16:25.480 --> 01:16:26.840
and you might like the back and forth

1078
01:16:26.840 --> 01:16:29.200
and the push and pull because it's exciting.

1079
01:16:29.200 --> 01:16:30.480
And it's like, does he love me?

1080
01:16:30.480 --> 01:16:31.320
Does he love me not?

1081
01:16:31.320 --> 01:16:32.160
Does he want me?

1082
01:16:32.160 --> 01:16:33.000
Does he want me not?

1083
01:16:33.000 --> 01:16:34.920
Is he gonna be jealous now and want me?

1084
01:16:34.920 --> 01:16:36.080
Or does he not want me?

1085
01:16:36.080 --> 01:16:38.360
But the bottom line is you don't wanna be married

1086
01:16:38.360 --> 01:16:39.720
to someone like that.

1087
01:16:39.720 --> 01:16:42.240
And he probably doesn't have any intention

1088
01:16:42.240 --> 01:16:43.720
of marrying you at all.

1089
01:16:43.720 --> 01:16:47.640
So he just doesn't want you to,

1090
01:16:47.640 --> 01:16:49.880
basically doesn't want you to stop paying attention to him

1091
01:16:49.880 --> 01:16:51.240
is really what it is.

1092
01:16:51.240 --> 01:16:52.880
He likes your attention

1093
01:16:52.880 --> 01:16:54.560
and now you're not paying attention to him

1094
01:16:54.560 --> 01:16:56.320
because you're paying attention to other people.

1095
01:16:56.320 --> 01:16:57.160
So.

1096
01:16:58.160 --> 01:16:59.000
Yeah.

1097
01:16:59.000 --> 01:16:59.840
Okay.

1098
01:16:59.840 --> 01:17:00.680
Yeah.

1099
01:17:00.680 --> 01:17:01.600
Thanks.

1100
01:17:01.600 --> 01:17:03.680
And you already said there's plenty of people interested.

1101
01:17:03.680 --> 01:17:05.680
So right now you have all kinds of framework

1102
01:17:05.680 --> 01:17:07.600
to pick someone great.

1103
01:17:07.600 --> 01:17:10.480
But for those of you that are in Carolyn's shoes,

1104
01:17:10.480 --> 01:17:11.440
go ahead and raise your hand

1105
01:17:11.440 --> 01:17:13.720
if you have an on again, off again situation,

1106
01:17:13.720 --> 01:17:15.560
you have a situation ship,

1107
01:17:15.560 --> 01:17:17.920
you have someone that you're not sure if they like you,

1108
01:17:17.920 --> 01:17:19.440
they don't like you.

1109
01:17:19.440 --> 01:17:21.400
Some days they do, some days they don't.

1110
01:17:21.400 --> 01:17:23.120
Someone that you still can't get over

1111
01:17:23.120 --> 01:17:24.920
and X that you just can't get past

1112
01:17:24.920 --> 01:17:26.680
because you just wish it would have worked out.

1113
01:17:26.680 --> 01:17:28.000
And you're hoping that they're going to come back

1114
01:17:28.000 --> 01:17:28.840
and change their mind.

1115
01:17:28.840 --> 01:17:31.000
Does anyone have anything like that?

1116
01:17:31.000 --> 01:17:31.840
Raise your hand.

1117
01:17:32.760 --> 01:17:34.640
Raise your hand.

1118
01:17:36.480 --> 01:17:37.800
Just one.

1119
01:17:37.800 --> 01:17:38.640
All right.

1120
01:17:38.640 --> 01:17:41.720
So Carolyn and Debbie have that going on.

1121
01:17:41.720 --> 01:17:42.800
All right, friends.

1122
01:17:42.800 --> 01:17:46.440
Listen, we're too old to be playing around with Peter Pan's.

1123
01:17:46.440 --> 01:17:47.560
They either want to grow up,

1124
01:17:47.560 --> 01:17:48.520
they want to make a decision,

1125
01:17:48.520 --> 01:17:50.040
they want to get married or they don't.

1126
01:17:50.040 --> 01:17:52.080
We're not going to waste any more time waiting on them

1127
01:17:52.080 --> 01:17:53.880
because there's eight plus billion people in the world.

1128
01:17:53.880 --> 01:17:54.880
And guess what?

1129
01:17:54.880 --> 01:17:57.200
One of those people is perfect for you

1130
01:17:57.200 --> 01:17:58.720
in the season that you're in.

1131
01:17:58.720 --> 01:18:00.040
So next week, we're going to find out

1132
01:18:00.040 --> 01:18:01.400
what are you guys doing with your life?

1133
01:18:01.400 --> 01:18:02.760
What does your calendar look like?

1134
01:18:02.760 --> 01:18:04.200
Is there enough room for relationship?

1135
01:18:04.200 --> 01:18:05.120
Can anyone find you?

1136
01:18:05.120 --> 01:18:06.760
Are you findable?

1137
01:18:06.760 --> 01:18:08.120
Because there's grace on your face.

1138
01:18:08.120 --> 01:18:09.520
And so we need to get you out there,

1139
01:18:09.520 --> 01:18:11.320
meeting new people with the new framework.

1140
01:18:11.320 --> 01:18:13.560
We're going to teach next week

1141
01:18:13.560 --> 01:18:15.280
and really excited about that.

1142
01:18:15.280 --> 01:18:18.200
And I hope that someone's saying,

1143
01:18:18.200 --> 01:18:19.840
wait, you mentioned you described the difference

1144
01:18:19.840 --> 01:18:21.520
between marriage curious and marriage ready.

1145
01:18:21.960 --> 01:18:22.800
I will next week.

1146
01:18:22.800 --> 01:18:23.640
All right, guys.

1147
01:18:23.640 --> 01:18:24.480
See you soon.

1148
01:18:24.480 --> 01:18:25.320
Bye everyone.