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four? What in the world is happening? Time is flying by and I'm getting excited because

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we're getting through the hard stuff and we're getting to the fun stuff. Now, this week

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was not necessarily fun because you may have seen some things for those of you that already

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took a look at your worksheets that you didn't like and you didn't want to see, but don't

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look away because we've got to get down to the bottom of it so that we can change what

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has been into what could be. You know, that famous saying that says history is destined

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to repeat itself if you don't what? If you don't know it, right? And it's not really

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good enough to know it. You have to know the why behind the what, which is really important.

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But the reason why I'm so excited is because we're going to talk about this relationship

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autopsy worksheets, this activation that I've given you guys to do. And then I'm going to

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send you on your way to go do it because it's going to take a while. And I because if you

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don't have dating relationships or romantic relationships, you're going to do it on lifelong

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friendships, you're going to do it on any kind of relationship that's been really close

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to you, whether it is a family member, a sibling, a parent, all of you should have every single

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field filled out on this with some relationship. Okay. Don't just leave it blank because you're

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like, well, Jackie, I've never really been in a serious romantic relationship. So I don't

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have anything. Nope. We got to take a look at relationship in general because we've been

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created for relationship. And so relationship hasn't been good in our lives or we haven't

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been able to be ourself in relationship. Then that's what we're looking into. And a lot

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of you, because I have gone through your questionnaires, and a lot of you have already had your

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one on one coaching session, some of the people that have the extensive coaching packages

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have met with me more than once. And almost all of you have said that things growing up

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at home were really not ideal. There's a few of you that don't have a story, but you have

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a different story that's similar to that. And listen, this is where that stuff is formed

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and I don't care if you have a great relationship with your parents. Now that stuff left a mark.

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It doesn't matter if you've made up with your siblings now. Oftentimes when we say made

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up with someone, we really are just saying that we've learned to adapt and accommodate

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other people so that we can get along. What I've learned over years and years of coaching

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is that most people have very few people, maybe not anyone, that they can feel free to

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truly be 100% themselves. And the even bigger problem is a lot of people because they've

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had to edit themselves so much for other people. They don't even know what that is anymore.

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In fact, as Christians, we are taught that we need to become all things to all people.

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In a roundabout way, aren't we taught that? It doesn't really matter what you want or

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who you are. You need to be kind. You need to be generous. You need to give people the

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benefit of the doubt. You need to always show up in love. You need to be part of this culture

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of honor and none of that stuff is bad and in and of itself. But for a long time, Christian

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communities have not taught identity. They've taught identity in Christ, but they haven't

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taught identity in you, in your flesh, like your identity is fully in Christ. Well, that's

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great. But none of us are Jesus walking around with skin on them, okay? And some of the things

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that Jesus did have been really misunderstood, like people are like, it doesn't really matter

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how you walk with the people you like or, you know, the good people. We're going to be

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measured by how we walk with the broken people. Well, can I just tell you that sometimes you're

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not supposed to be walking with the broken people? You've been walking with the broken

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people for too long. And now you broke. You broken too. Because broken people will break

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you if you don't know how to have boundaries with them and you don't know how to stay yourself

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even when other people want you to be whatever they want you to be. And so there's a lot

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of situations that have happened in our lives, especially as believers, especially as Gen

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X, which is what most of y'all are, have a couple of millennials in here, maybe a few

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baby boomers. But Gen X, millennials too, especially older millennials, older millennials

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Gen X into young baby boomers. We've all been taught something very specific about what

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it means to be a good person, haven't we? And so because of culture, because of Christian

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culture, regular culture, because of your origin family, because of the relationships

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that formed you, you now have stuff going on that is

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in your post. Thank you guys so much for showing up and posting. I am so blessed to see so many of

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you getting aha moments and breakthrough doesn't have to come right away. Some of you will get

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breakthrough from module one and module two in module eight and nine. It'll finally click. You'll

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be doing something. You'll be like, Oh, I see it. Right? It's true. And some of you are already

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getting breakthrough on things that we haven't even discussed yet because, you know, you're digging

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into this and it's bringing up other things that when we get to that teaching, you'll be like,

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wow, you know, I'm ahead of the curve. God gave me a dream about this already. You know, I was,

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I was sitting around and I was thinking and I started having all kinds of thoughts because

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when I was talking about nightdreaming, but I was talking to one of you guys about daydreaming.

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Anyone else daydream? Anyone else? God just talks to you when you're just like sitting around

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as sort of imagining. And you probably have always thought that, Oh, that just my imagination. I'm

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just bored. I'm just passing time. No, a lot of that is divinely inspired. A lot of it's divinely

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inspired. And so I want you to pay attention to that, whether it's nightdreaming or daydreaming.

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I want you to pay attention to any patterns, any patterns that pop up, someone saying the

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same phrase to you over and over again, maybe not the same person, but you hear the same phrase.

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For instance, God keeps highlighting Luke five to me. Like every time I turn around,

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Luke five is a very familiar story about, you know, Peter being called by Jesus to follow him.

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And so I'm like, okay, God, what's the deeper thing that you want me to see

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because it keeps coming back up? Those are not coincidences, friends. In fact, I think all of

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you have been taught that mostly there's no such thing as coincidence or even deja vu.

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Anyone ever heard about deja vu? I had a spiritual teacher back in the day. A lot of you probably

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know who he is. Lance Wall now. I actually worked for him for a while. And you know, this is a long

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time ago, 16 years ago. But he used to talk about deja vu a lot and how deja vu is basically you

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coming into agreement and convergence with whatever has been written in that book about you,

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that book about you, you know, the story of you, your story. And so when that happens,

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it's like, Oh, wait, I've done this before. I've said this before. I've been here before. Yeah,

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yeah, because you have before the foundation of the earth. Not only have any Bible to prove that

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or back that up, but I can say that it resonates with me. And I don't, I don't know that it's

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every time you have deja vu. Maybe you really have been there before and said that before.

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And for some of us that are stuck in patterns, you probably have been in that situation and said

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that before. And so we got to be careful over spiritualizing anything. But we do also have to

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remember, and I want to go ahead and just get this into you as we go, you know, into week four and

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beyond that there is a huge supernatural part of your love story. Your love story is not just natural.

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It's also supernatural. That doesn't mean that doesn't have a lot of natural in it. I think that,

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you know, we've all heard the saying, you know, when God puts his super on your natural,

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that's when things become supernatural to he that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all,

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we can ask, think and imagine by the power that works in us, right? So we know that we have a part

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to play. It's not the same part as he plays. We can't play his part. But I want to tell you this.

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I've had a front row seat to a lot of marriages now, a lot of love stories now. And every single

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one of them did have a supernatural element to them. They had natural elements. They had people

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showing up. They had people doing the hard work. They had people forgiving. They had people overcoming.

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They had a lot of natural elements to them, but they also had a supernatural element to them.

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Very important to remember that because as we go further into this, we're going to be believing

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and trusting that God is going to show us what we need to see and what we need to know. A lot

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of you have been really afraid. In fact, at least one of you says that you're not ready to date and

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you were concerned about the fact that this VIP coaching intensive includes a seven-date challenge.

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And you're concerned about it because you haven't been dating. You're scared to date.

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(outro music)

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I feel like fear breeds in ignorance and it breeds in uncertainty and it, you know, it

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breeds when we don't have a plan necessarily.

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And so you're going to have a plan, you're going to have tools, you're going to have

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a framework.

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So you have something to fall back on, it's like getting up to public speak, but you have

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notes.

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If you forget what you're saying, all you got to do is look down, okay, because you

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have notes.

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So that's my job to get you there.

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But I want you to also remember that God is with you in this and that there is a supernatural

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element to it.

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So you don't have to be afraid.

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You are God defended.

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I think Dan was one of the people that was writing about something that was happening

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to him at a retreat that he was at last weekend or a conference that he was at.

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And he realizes that, you know, I don't have to protect myself.

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I don't have to figure out if I'm sharing or being vulnerable with the right people because

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I'm God defended.

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One of the last elements of that conference day and correct me if my wrong is that, you

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know, God is for us, that God is our father.

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And for those of you in last year single, we've been really talking about how we are

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little, little baby lambs, we're just little sheep that we're being cared for by the

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father, by the shepherd, by Jesus.

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And so yeah.

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So anyway, we are going to, and I said all that to say this, that we go into one module

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next week that is about your non-negotiables.

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And that's really going to be the foundation of everything you do going forward because

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when we build those, we're going to build them tight, but they're going to be right.

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And once you do that, you are going to be released into your seven day challenge that

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is going to continue on through the rest of this intensive, like, but Jackie, we haven't

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learned how to flirt yet.

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We haven't learned about our dating profiles.

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We haven't, it doesn't matter.

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Once those non-negotiables are in place, people are going to start getting dates and

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you're not going to refuse them just because you haven't figured out what your go to date

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outfit is yet, or you haven't figured out what little makeover tweaks you need to do,

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or we haven't created your online profile, it doesn't matter.

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You're going to begin to get your feet wet because some of you just need some reps.

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You haven't been on enough dates.

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You've been on hardly any dates and you have no experience with the opposite sex.

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And I'm sure that you don't want any experience with anyone except the person you're going

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to marry, but you know what, it doesn't always work like that.

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It doesn't always work that way.

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You're like, but I've been praying that.

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And I just know that God's going to honor my prayer.

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The first person I date is going to be my husband or my wife.

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I don't, I don't think that's a word from the Lord.

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Now might it happen to someone here?

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Sure, but we are definitely not going to make that the model, okay?

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And I promise you one thing, you came here and you gave me and God permission to meddle

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and you're going to go on some dates, all right?

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Now I will explain all about that later.

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Why is it seven?

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Do you have to get seven?

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Can it be with the same person?

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Can it be online?

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Can it be this?

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Can it be that?

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I will talk about that when we get there.

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You will feel equipped with your tools and you will feel at peace.

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Amen?

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And some of you are excited.

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You're like, bring it on.

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I want all the dates.

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Like, if you don't want your date, I'll take your date.

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I'm good.

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All right.

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Good.

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Okay.

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So let's go over module four.

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So for the purpose of the recording, well, welcome to module four.

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This is the relationship autopsy.

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And on today's teaching, I'm just going to go over how to use these worksheets.

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Then on Thursday, we are going to dig into what your worksheets revealed.

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So if you haven't done them yet, you didn't have to do them yet.

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We just got them up early because Carly.

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And David got them up so quickly that he actually messed them up and they didn't load.

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So we didn't even know that they weren't up until some of you were like, oh, hey, there

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seems to be something here, but I can't download it.

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And then he realized, oh, I just uploaded a picture of it, not the actual worksheets.

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And I'm like, okay, fix it.

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All right.

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So everything should be fixed.

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For those of you that were having trouble watching Thursday's replay, you should be able

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to see that the worksheets are there.

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They're downloadable.

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They're fillable.

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You notice this or not, but you don't have to download them and print them out.

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Raise your hand if you actually have a printer that has ink in it that you can print things

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out with.

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Wow.

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I am impressed because we do have a printer.

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It is not connected to anything.

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I think it's in the garage somewhere.

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out. And you said, what does that even mean? So if you are like me, then you do not have one,

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they are fillable. So you can actually fill them and save them right there, if that is what you'll

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want to do. All right, cool. So you don't have to download them and print them, you can download

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them and fill them and save them right on your computer. Okay, so tonight is not about digging

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into all of your exes, all of your bad relationships. I want you to put good relationships in the

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relationship autopsy as well. Here's the criteria for what needs to go there.

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Intimate relationships, close relationships. If you have some relationships that weren't close,

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you knew them for a few months, they moved away, you never got to know them. That's not what I'm

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talking about. I'm talking about siblings. I'm talking about best friends. I'm talking about

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boyfriends, girlfriends, exes, spouses, you know, all of those things, parents, aunts, uncles,

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grandparents, maybe you're really close to a coach or a pastor or a co-worker, whatever.

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I mean, you would call that a friend probably, but you know, maybe you were close to someone who

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was more in authority over you, but you were really close and it was an intimate relationship. So

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whether they were a coach or a pastor or, you know, like for instance, I could put lance on this

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if I wanted to because even though I worked for him, I was also a spiritual daughter to him and I

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was very close to him and I could do a relationship autopsy on him. You know, I could do a relationship

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autopsy on my former pastor's wife. She was a mentor in my life and she was a few years older

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than me, like seven or eight years older than me, but we were really, really close for like a decade.

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I could do it on that. So do you guys get the point of who can be in this relationship autopsy?

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Okay. So the point is not just digging into stuff. The point is to use everything that we've

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already learned and put it on these worksheets in real time seeing how this plays out because week

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one supernatural surrender or control, we looked into where do I try to control things? What happens

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when I feel uncertain, disappointed, powerless? And then in week two, we caught the counterfeits.

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So who do I become when I don't feel safe being myself? And for some of you, you don't even know

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who yourself is because you've just been whatever everybody else wants you to be for a long time.

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And then in week three, we started looking at what does the counterfeit do, right?

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Because beliefs create identities that create behavior that follows that identity and that creates

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outcomes. It creates circumstances. It creates consequences. So we looked at those three things

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and now the natural trajectory that we're going to is where has this actually played out in my

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relationships in my life? Where can I spot this stuff in real time? And so this is where we start

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looking for evidence of that stuff showing up in relationships. Okay. So tonight, I'm just going to

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teach you how to use this. If you have any questions at the end, just hold them to the end. I'm only

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going to be a few minutes doing this and then I'll answer your question and I'll let you guys go

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do it because it's going to take you a while to fill this out probably. All right. So you're going

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to examine. I want you to try to fill out every single, every single block for relationships. How

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many are there? Is it four or five? I can't remember. Anyone? Five? Four? Four? Okay. All right. And in

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at least one of them, hopefully will be a healthy relationship. I hope at least one of them because

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we want to see what we act like in healthy relationship to, right? And remember, it's an autopsy. Okay.

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So it is, it's like a map. It's not, it's not dissecting. It is dissecting, but it's not like a verdict.

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It's just dissecting, dissecting and seeing what's in there. All right. So we're looking for what do I

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do in relationship? What do I do in relationship? Because one relationship, and I always tell people

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this, like I used to say this back in my teaching and preaching days, if one person says something

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about you, it could just, you know, it could be that there's a, a conflict of personality.

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Anyone else ever have a personality conflict with someone? Like you just didn't like them and they

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just didn't like you. And even if you would have tried your best, they probably still wouldn't

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have liked you. And it's okay for not everyone to like you. You know that? And they might be

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really sweet and nice and kind to your face, but they just don't like you. You're not their

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favorite person for whatever reason. So if someone says one thing about you, that's negative in some

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way. It might be a personality conflict.

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situation. But if more than one person says the same thing about you, you got to look at that.

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If even two people experience you the same way and use the same words or the same synonyms to

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describe you, it's important to look at that. Not so you can feel bad about yourself or judge

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yourself or have self-hatred or think that you're messed up or broken or bad. It's because other

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people more than one are experiencing you that way. So let's take a look at what do those people have

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in common? What do the circumstances have in common? What do the ways that I was showing up in those

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relationships or in those circumstances have in common? Does that make sense?

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Okay. It's really important because it can be true, but it also has some deeper truth behind it.

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This has been really important to me because back when I first became a believer in my not even mid

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20s, in my early 20s, I was 22 years old. I was being discipled by a church. I'm 22 years old,

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you guys. I've had a really rough childhood up bringing all the things and now I'm full of Jesus.

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I love Jesus. I would never want to offend Jesus. I had a radical conversion, so I'm just on fire

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with the love of Jesus. And then in my first year or so of being a believer, a Christian, a Christ

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follower, several people in this small church, guys, small family church, less than 100 people in this

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church had said that I offended them. Not just one person, several people. In fact, if I'm honest,

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I felt like I was always being called into the pastor's office like the first couple years of

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being saved. You guys, and here's the thing. It's not funny because it was devastating to me

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because I would never offend you on purpose. Like I was just full of Jesus.

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I loved him. I loved you. I wanted, you know, you to love him, you know, just so it was so

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hurtful to me. And I didn't understand why I was being so offensive to people. And, you know, God

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had to show me and it didn't, it didn't happen overnight because it just didn't because I didn't

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have this kind of teaching. No one had this kind of teaching. Inner healing was not a thing, really.

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And psychology was of the devil. So you didn't actually get to dig into anything back then

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in the early, in the early 90s or so, or the mid 90s. So I said all that because I want to say this,

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you know what ended up being the truth about me offending all those people?

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I'm a challenger. That's why I'm a good coach. It's a gift that God has given me to challenge

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people, to challenge what they think, to challenge who they are, to challenge them,

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to confront things, right, to be very direct in that. And I didn't have enough bedside manner

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at the time. I was just a kid. I was 22 years old. I met well. I wanted to help people.

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But I also was the kind of person who, you know, you lead a horse to water, but you can't make

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them drink. Yeah, not my mantra. My mantra was I'll lead them to water and then I'll stick their

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head under and they're either going to drink or drown one or the other. One of these two things

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is going to happen in love, in love. Okay, because I am, I'm a very positive personality. So it was

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never negative. It was never doom and gloom was never heavy. It was like, Jesus, love is you,

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and you can be free, you know, so it was really, really good. But at the same time,

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people don't like to be confronted when they have not welcomed confrontation. They do not like to

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be challenged when they have not invited you to challenge them. They do not like to be told the

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truth when they love the lie that they're living in. Now, all of that kind of makes it sound like

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it's like, Oh, it's their problem that I was offending them. No, I had to take a look at my

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behavior and I had to learn how to deal with different people at different levels. And I'm sure

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all of you are old enough to understand that now. I'm sure no one in here is just doing whatever

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you want whenever you want to, regardless of who you hurt or who you offend or whatever,

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all of us want to be kind to others. I guarantee that's true. But we have to dig in deeper into

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what's behind it. And it doesn't always have to be something negative. That's why I told that story.

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It doesn't always have to be something negative behind it. It can be something positive like me,

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like a gift overextended that's now become a weakness because it didn't have good boundaries

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attached to it. I didn't realize that other people had free will and that they didn't have to,

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want a good life if they didn't want a good life. You can't force a good life on anyone. You know that?

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You can. Wow, that's

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All right.

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So one little bit of information about something that went wrong in a relationship will give

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you, you know, good data, but more than one of that same type of thing gives you a pattern

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and I want you to pay attention to patterns.

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Okay.

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So really quickly how I use the worksheet, you can write the person's name if you want

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to.

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You're the only person that's going to see this because you're not turning it in.

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But if you're afraid it's going to fall in the wrong hands for some reason, just put the

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person's initials so you know who you're talking about.

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Okay.

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That's a type of relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, a professional relationship,

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a romantic relationship.

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What was the approximate season, dates, times?

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Why are you choosing that relationship?

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Why?

310
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And don't spend tons of time.

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You guys, relationship should just be coming up.

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I don't want you to spend, you know, days on these things because once again, it's your

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information and it's for you.

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So choose relationships once again that really, really matter to you, that really were deep,

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deep in your heart for one way or one way or another, doesn't matter why, okay?

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Relationships that brought out the good side of you and also activated you in bad ways.

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I just got off a coaching call with a guy that used to be a former client, I just got

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off a texting with him and he was talking about the relationship that he just got out

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of.

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And this person, and I know this guy, I know him out of the context of dating and relationships.

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I know him just as a brother in Christ, okay?

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And I just made a very basic statement to him at the end of our little conversation.

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I said, because he said that he wants this relationship to come full circle and he believes

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that it's a God thing and he's going to wait it out to see if it can.

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And this has been an on and on and on again, off again, on and on and off again relationship

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for the last couple of years, okay?

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And once again, I know him outside of the context of just being a client or a matchmaking

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person.

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And so I said this to him.

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If a relationship consistently brings out the worst in you, I would not consider it a

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God thing.

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If a relationship constantly brings out the worst in you, this relationship that he's

333
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been in has brought outside of him, that none of his friends and family have ever seen before.

334
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That none of his, you know, none of the people that know him have seen before.

335
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And you have to ask yourself a question, you know, if you've really were like, man, like,

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what's wrong with me?

337
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Like why am I acting like this?

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If it's not your emo to act that way, if you haven't acted like that in the past or in

339
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different relationships, then you have to ask yourself, what's going on?

340
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I know people who are genuinely secure attaches that if they get in relationship with the

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right kind of avoidant, a catcher, it will bring so much anxiousness out of them, even

342
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though that's not how they normally are.

343
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Now, does that mean that you automatically have just become an anxious, a catcher?

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You know, congratulations, you're now an anxiously attached person.

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You know, attachment style is something that was formed very young.

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And we can all get an earned secure attachment style by doing work like this.

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Meaning that yes, you are avoidant or anxious.

348
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You are disordered, but you've done enough work.

349
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You have enough tools.

350
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You recognize your, your self aware enough that you keep yourself from spiraling.

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You know, one of you wrote in your message to me on our Facebook page that you caught

352
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yourself before you did whatever it was that you were going to do.

353
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So I want to pay attention.

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Why did this relationship bring out the worst to me?

355
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Why did I act like a completely different person in this relationship than I did in any

356
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of my other relationships, you know?

357
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And so you're going to answer questions like, you know, what season of your life was this?

358
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How long did it last?

359
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What initially drew you to this person and maybe you're like, they gave birth to me.

360
00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:08.680
Okay.

361
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That's fair.

362
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So that's how you'll answer that, you know, maybe they're like, you know, they impregnated

363
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my mother.

364
00:29:14.660 --> 00:29:21.040
That's what drew me to them because they're my father, you know, we shared a room growing

365
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up because they're my sister, you know, so why did this relationship matter to me?

366
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And then you don't have to analyze your answers.

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I don't want you sitting there trying to think of the right answer.

368
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I just want you to write, okay, just write right from your heart and just get it down.

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All right.

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And then who did you become in that relationship?

371
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Like I just talked about what role did you play?

372
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Did you become controlling?

373
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Did you become submissive?

374
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Did you become angry?

375
00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:54.200
Did you become, you know, fight, fight, fight, freeze, fawn, you know, all of those different

376
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levels of an activated nervous system or what we call self defense mechanisms, they're different.

377
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What was I afraid to ask for? What parts of myself did I withhold? You know, all the questions

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that are pertinent to you, make sure that you answer those. And of course, you're asking

379
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yourself, was I fooling myself in this relationship? You might not even know what that means yet.

380
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And so just write how you feel about that. Okay. Did you respect yourself in this relationship?

381
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Did you respect how it ended? Did you like yourself in this relationship? That's an important

382
00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:35.440
question to ask ourselves, right? Am I proud of the way this relationship ended? Am I proud

383
00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:44.080
of myself? Did I like who I became in this relationship? Okay. Okay. And then of course,

384
00:30:44.080 --> 00:30:48.160
there's questions about when things got hard, what did you do? Like what are your self-preservation

385
00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:53.200
techniques? Did you overgive? Did you? Did you start building cases against that person? Did you

386
00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:58.240
pursue? Did you withdraw? Did you try to fix them? What did you do? And don't just write,

387
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I'm a people pleaser. I want to know exactly what you did. What does that mean?

388
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:07.440
Every time we got an argument, I just let them have their way. I just didn't want them to be mad.

389
00:31:07.440 --> 00:31:13.200
I just wanted to keep the peace. Even if I knew that they were wrong,

390
00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:16.480
I just let them think they were right. What did you do? What did it look like?

391
00:31:16.480 --> 00:31:22.400
We need the description because remember, that's the self-sabotage piece. We don't care

392
00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:27.040
just about just the counterfeit fit. I'm a people pleaser. We care about what did people

393
00:31:27.040 --> 00:31:33.680
pleasing look like in that relationship? All right. And then if it's a good relationship or even if

394
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:40.320
it wasn't one, did you show up? Did you finally come to your senses? Where did you have healthy

395
00:31:40.320 --> 00:31:48.560
boundaries? All the different things. Where did you apologize? Where did you prepare? Any of the

396
00:31:48.560 --> 00:31:55.440
good bits also need to be on there. Okay. And so we're going to talk about what this stuff shows

397
00:31:55.440 --> 00:32:01.200
us when we get together on Thursday, because we're going to talk about anything that keeps repeating

398
00:32:01.200 --> 00:32:06.080
anything that keeps repeating through our relationship. There's a through line and we want to find it.

399
00:32:06.080 --> 00:32:12.880
And then we want to really find where the healthy you already exist so that we can do more of that.

400
00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:18.080
So that's what we're looking for. We're looking for what's it going to take for you to be able to

401
00:32:18.080 --> 00:32:24.320
show up as yourself without editing with boundaries, without performing, without fixing whatever your

402
00:32:24.320 --> 00:32:29.600
counterfeit was, the versions of all your counterfeits. What does it look like for you to show up

403
00:32:29.600 --> 00:32:39.280
with a healed, healthy and whole heart? Okay. All right. And then we're going to go next week

404
00:32:39.280 --> 00:32:45.120
into building our non-negotiables. So that's going to be awesome. All right. So we have about

405
00:32:45.120 --> 00:32:50.880
20ish minutes left. Sorry, guys, I just got dark in here. So I probably should go turn on a light.

406
00:32:50.880 --> 00:33:01.920
So why don't you guys get ready with your questions and I'll go turn real quick.

407
00:33:14.560 --> 00:33:17.360
All right. All right.

408
00:33:17.360 --> 00:33:33.120
Your questions can be about the worksheet. It could be about the work that the worksheet is

409
00:33:33.120 --> 00:33:39.040
chronicling. It can be about pretty much anything. We could just do some Q&A here for a few minutes.

410
00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:47.200
Carly, go ahead. Hey, Jackie. Hi, everyone. I mean, I'm just coming to realize

411
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probably a liar, a counterfeit that I realized I live with an older couple

412
00:33:54.080 --> 00:33:59.680
and the couple that I live with, the husband, they've been married for a really long time. I'll

413
00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:04.240
make this straight short. We got into a conversation. Actually, it was just really recent just last

414
00:34:04.240 --> 00:34:09.360
night, actually, and we were talking, it came up about me being single. He's been married for like

415
00:34:09.360 --> 00:34:17.199
50 years, so very strong, really strong believers. And he made a comment and he actually just said

416
00:34:17.199 --> 00:34:24.239
he's like, don't choose a dud of a husband. Don't choose a dud in the context of like,

417
00:34:24.239 --> 00:34:29.280
and for some reason, I think it was just something that I had to stop and I was like,

418
00:34:29.280 --> 00:34:33.920
oh, this is like, I had to have a conversation. Like, I went back, I had a conversation. I

419
00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:38.159
know him well enough, but I was actually vulnerable. And I actually had to say, hey, like, this is

420
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:44.159
actually a pretty vulnerable, like, like, when you use those words, the wording of like, don't

421
00:34:44.159 --> 00:34:52.400
choose someone's like, that's a dud, which is a sweeping statement. It was like, my, the internal,

422
00:34:52.400 --> 00:34:59.840
the part of me was like, oh, you're going to choose someone who's not good or, you know, all the wrong

423
00:35:02.120 --> 00:35:03.760
So I've just been processing that a little bit,

424
00:35:03.760 --> 00:35:05.160
and you know, taking it to the Lord

425
00:35:05.160 --> 00:35:07.200
and just, you know, just really asking him like,

426
00:35:07.200 --> 00:35:11.120
okay, where is the lie within all of this tied up?

427
00:35:11.120 --> 00:35:12.760
So, yeah.

428
00:35:12.760 --> 00:35:14.040
- Well, I wanna address something.

429
00:35:14.040 --> 00:35:14.880
I wanna address something.

430
00:35:14.880 --> 00:35:16.240
First I wanna ask you, Carly,

431
00:35:16.240 --> 00:35:18.560
did I meet you at the Bethel prayer rooms?

432
00:35:18.560 --> 00:35:20.000
- Yes, I prayed for you.

433
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:20.840
- A few years ago.

434
00:35:20.840 --> 00:35:23.440
- And you asked me, yes, it was a couple of years ago.

435
00:35:23.440 --> 00:35:27.400
You came, I came, you came to one of the parks in Reading,

436
00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:29.360
but then you came to Healing Rooms

437
00:35:29.360 --> 00:35:31.360
and I was like, I had a word of,

438
00:35:31.360 --> 00:35:33.160
I was like, do you have something going on with your knee?

439
00:35:33.160 --> 00:35:34.960
And you're like, yes, I do, but,

440
00:35:34.960 --> 00:35:36.520
and then you gave me this prophetic word

441
00:35:36.520 --> 00:35:38.480
about your dad, like you were like,

442
00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:42.920
it was something about the grasping green on one side

443
00:35:42.920 --> 00:35:45.760
and not on the other and how the Lord is gonna move.

444
00:35:45.760 --> 00:35:47.400
So, yes, we didn't mean yes.

445
00:35:47.400 --> 00:35:51.160
- Okay, so you went for me

446
00:35:51.160 --> 00:35:52.920
and then I gave you a prophetic word instead.

447
00:35:52.920 --> 00:35:54.080
That's probably something I would do.

448
00:35:54.080 --> 00:35:55.680
Okay, okay.

449
00:35:55.680 --> 00:35:59.680
So, and I no longer have problems with my knee.

450
00:35:59.680 --> 00:36:00.680
So, it all worked out.

451
00:36:00.680 --> 00:36:01.680
- Yeah, that's so great.

452
00:36:01.680 --> 00:36:02.520
- Okay.

453
00:36:02.520 --> 00:36:04.680
- Thank you, very, very great.

454
00:36:04.680 --> 00:36:06.520
That is good news.

455
00:36:06.520 --> 00:36:09.240
- So, being someone, and if none of you are familiar

456
00:36:09.240 --> 00:36:11.840
with Bethel, I call it the mothership.

457
00:36:11.840 --> 00:36:13.240
It's in Redding, California.

458
00:36:13.240 --> 00:36:15.480
It's kind of, you know, one of the hubs

459
00:36:15.480 --> 00:36:18.960
of charismatic revival stream Christianity.

460
00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:22.240
And I'm friends with a lot of the leaders of that church

461
00:36:22.240 --> 00:36:24.160
and I've spent a lot of time out there,

462
00:36:24.160 --> 00:36:25.480
whether it was with the singles,

463
00:36:25.480 --> 00:36:28.120
I've had a single city group out there for years.

464
00:36:28.120 --> 00:36:30.520
I've helped a lot of Bethel.

465
00:36:30.520 --> 00:36:31.880
Folks get married.

466
00:36:31.880 --> 00:36:34.960
And one of the things, the first that I want to address,

467
00:36:34.960 --> 00:36:38.400
Carly, is that environment,

468
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:41.400
because there also is a ministry school there, you guys.

469
00:36:41.400 --> 00:36:42.560
- Yes, that's right, yes.

470
00:36:42.560 --> 00:36:45.840
- It falls in a lot of people of all ages,

471
00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:48.960
but specifically young people, a lot of young people,

472
00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:50.640
but people of all eight want to come

473
00:36:50.640 --> 00:36:53.160
and learn how to, you know, move in the spirit,

474
00:36:53.160 --> 00:36:55.280
their identity in Christ and all the things.

475
00:36:55.280 --> 00:36:58.000
Because of that, there's been some heavy rules

476
00:36:58.000 --> 00:37:00.160
that have been created around that fellowship

477
00:37:00.160 --> 00:37:03.080
of, you know, be careful who you date or don't date

478
00:37:03.080 --> 00:37:05.560
or, you know, just let God pick your spouse, you know,

479
00:37:05.560 --> 00:37:09.440
there's been a lot of spoken and unspoken things

480
00:37:09.440 --> 00:37:12.760
that I believe have caused an environment.

481
00:37:12.760 --> 00:37:15.240
And I've, you know, even talked this,

482
00:37:15.240 --> 00:37:17.960
I've even said this to Chris, you know, Valatine.

483
00:37:17.960 --> 00:37:21.280
I've said it to other people that are in high leadership

484
00:37:21.280 --> 00:37:23.720
in this place that is caused what I think

485
00:37:23.720 --> 00:37:27.120
is relationship OCD.

486
00:37:27.120 --> 00:37:31.040
Okay, so where people become very obsessed

487
00:37:31.040 --> 00:37:33.800
about choosing wrong or being out of God's will,

488
00:37:33.800 --> 00:37:35.920
or this is not the person that God wants for me,

489
00:37:35.920 --> 00:37:38.360
or it's not the timing, or I'm not supposed to be wanting

490
00:37:38.360 --> 00:37:39.800
this or caring about this,

491
00:37:39.800 --> 00:37:41.560
'cause I should just care about Jesus.

492
00:37:41.560 --> 00:37:44.560
And so I think that that is at the root

493
00:37:44.560 --> 00:37:46.280
of your response to this.

494
00:37:46.280 --> 00:37:52.720
Much, much experience married old man, you know?

495
00:37:53.720 --> 00:37:56.760
You know, 'cause first of all, even the language,

496
00:37:56.760 --> 00:37:59.880
like don't pick a dud, like I can just even seeing someone

497
00:37:59.880 --> 00:38:01.800
who's older using that language,

498
00:38:01.800 --> 00:38:04.080
like who says the word dad anymore, right?

499
00:38:04.080 --> 00:38:09.120
You know, like nowadays we'd say you better not be cooked,

500
00:38:09.120 --> 00:38:12.080
you know, we'd just say something totally different than dud.

501
00:38:12.080 --> 00:38:15.400
So, so first of all, take it with a grain of salt.

502
00:38:15.400 --> 00:38:18.040
It's obviously protective.

503
00:38:18.040 --> 00:38:18.880
Yeah, yeah.

504
00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:20.360
And he obviously thinks that you're incredible,

505
00:38:20.360 --> 00:38:22.280
doesn't want to see you settle for something less

506
00:38:22.280 --> 00:38:23.280
than what you deserve.

507
00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:26.720
But once again, I think because of this hyper-spiritualized

508
00:38:26.720 --> 00:38:29.560
relationship environment,

509
00:38:29.560 --> 00:38:32.080
that that's probably why it's hitting you hard.

510
00:38:32.080 --> 00:38:34.880
Yeah, and I also, I think it's that, like, I mean,

511
00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:37.640
I'm not a BSSM student anymore.

512
00:38:37.640 --> 00:38:39.120
I did all three years.

513
00:38:39.120 --> 00:38:40.800
I'm on the others, I'm on staff.

514
00:38:40.800 --> 00:38:43.520
But you're still in the environment though.

515
00:38:43.520 --> 00:38:46.200
Yes, very much, very highly involved in the environment.

516
00:38:46.200 --> 00:38:47.680
And I think it's, and I also,

517
00:38:47.680 --> 00:38:49.360
when I looked at the root of it as well,

518
00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:52.320
when I sat with the Lord, it was like, oh, like,

519
00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:55.480
I think it also almost somewhat stems back to,

520
00:38:55.480 --> 00:38:57.480
and maybe I'm just answering my own question here,

521
00:38:57.480 --> 00:38:59.680
or my own thought process,

522
00:38:59.680 --> 00:39:03.120
but just almost like family of like,

523
00:39:03.120 --> 00:39:05.240
oh, you've chosen the wrong person,

524
00:39:05.240 --> 00:39:07.800
or don't choose this, you know, like the unspoken,

525
00:39:07.800 --> 00:39:09.960
those words that are like, you know,

526
00:39:09.960 --> 00:39:13.720
it's meant to be a joke or meant to be, you know,

527
00:39:13.720 --> 00:39:16.720
just in jest and are you afraid

528
00:39:16.720 --> 00:39:18.760
that you might pick the wrong person?

529
00:39:18.760 --> 00:39:21.080
I think I have been, yeah, in the past.

530
00:39:21.080 --> 00:39:22.720
Yeah, very much.

531
00:39:22.720 --> 00:39:24.160
Yeah, yep, yep.

532
00:39:24.160 --> 00:39:26.680
Is it part of why you're still single?

533
00:39:26.680 --> 00:39:29.040
Maybe, probably.

534
00:39:29.040 --> 00:39:30.880
That's, it probably is.

535
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:33.840
Yeah, it could be, because I think there's always been

536
00:39:33.840 --> 00:39:36.320
like a little bit of a wall of like, oh, like,

537
00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:37.480
and especially like I said,

538
00:39:37.480 --> 00:39:38.760
I posted something the other day,

539
00:39:38.760 --> 00:39:42.080
like even in this environment as a leader in this environment,

540
00:39:42.080 --> 00:39:44.520
it's like, it feels very transactional of like,

541
00:39:44.520 --> 00:39:46.000
oh, what do you need from me?

542
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:48.880
Like, like you actually want to ask me questions

543
00:39:48.880 --> 00:39:50.760
about my actual next lecture.

544
00:39:50.760 --> 00:39:51.600
But do you actually?

545
00:39:51.600 --> 00:39:54.240
I responded to your, I responded to your message.

546
00:39:54.240 --> 00:39:58.600
Because I, some of my single clients that are women

547
00:39:58.600 --> 00:40:00.080
at your church,

548
00:40:06.880 --> 00:40:12.200
date them to get to like Bill or Chris or, you know, so, so yeah.

549
00:40:12.200 --> 00:40:17.520
So there's definitely, I completely understand and I didn't answer your question, but let

550
00:40:17.520 --> 00:40:19.400
me ask you another question.

551
00:40:19.400 --> 00:40:24.760
My question to you is, what would it look like in this nine days and beyond for you

552
00:40:24.760 --> 00:40:31.360
to freely get to know men that are interested in getting to know you, and trusting your

553
00:40:31.360 --> 00:40:36.560
father in heaven to defend you and show you what you need to see and when you need to see

554
00:40:36.560 --> 00:40:42.160
it instead of Carly trying to figure out what their motivations are?

555
00:40:42.160 --> 00:40:45.440
Yeah, that's, I mean, yes to all of that.

556
00:40:45.440 --> 00:40:47.920
How do I do that practically?

557
00:40:47.920 --> 00:40:53.720
I had somebody just in an interaction on the weekend who I was in a coffee shop and this

558
00:40:53.720 --> 00:40:59.160
guy started talking to me, I knew the family because I'd teach and so I was talking to the

559
00:40:59.160 --> 00:41:04.680
family and there was another guy, I don't, and again instantly it was this like, okay,

560
00:41:04.680 --> 00:41:09.720
hang on, like, I'm meeting a friend, I'm supposed to be honoring her, but at the same time I

561
00:41:09.720 --> 00:41:15.520
was like, like, I had to, I really had to like pause my mind from thinking it was a transaction

562
00:41:15.520 --> 00:41:19.240
because I didn't know this person, so, okay, yes.

563
00:41:19.240 --> 00:41:27.080
So, I want you to come out of the, I want you to come out of the counterfeit that people

564
00:41:27.080 --> 00:41:33.160
only want me where they need something from me.

565
00:41:33.160 --> 00:41:39.480
Ooh, that's a big one, yes, it's very true, yeah, yeah, because the truth is, is that

566
00:41:39.480 --> 00:41:43.200
you couldn't be putting that on someone when it's not even true.

567
00:41:43.200 --> 00:41:48.600
Yeah, yeah, now when you're in a position of ministry and leadership, yeah, people will

568
00:41:48.600 --> 00:41:52.440
come up to you a lot, wanting prayer, wanting to be healed, people in desperate need of

569
00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:58.360
something, sure, but that doesn't mean that everybody sees you that way and it's important

570
00:41:58.360 --> 00:42:01.320
that you don't allow yourself to believe that.

571
00:42:01.320 --> 00:42:06.120
Yeah, it's definitely a lie that somewhere along the way I'll ask the Lord this week of

572
00:42:06.120 --> 00:42:09.800
or even, you know, just in my quiet time where that, because there's got to be a root of

573
00:42:09.800 --> 00:42:14.280
like the, the root of where it came from, so I'm like, I'd like, yeah, I will ask the Lord

574
00:42:14.280 --> 00:42:17.800
and when I get that revelation, which we will, I'll let you know.

575
00:42:17.800 --> 00:42:21.000
Okay, awesome. Thank you. Yes, let us know, Carly.

576
00:42:21.000 --> 00:42:26.520
Yes, thanks. I want to also just say something. So, Carly, that was a great share. I want to

577
00:42:26.520 --> 00:42:31.880
say because there's a couple of you that have insinuated something very similar to what Carly

578
00:42:31.880 --> 00:42:37.160
is saying right now, so I just want to blanket statement this, that sometimes when people

579
00:42:37.160 --> 00:42:43.000
are spiritually gifted, okay, and that is where your main success in life has been,

580
00:42:44.120 --> 00:42:48.760
because for whatever reason you've just been, you've had a high spiritual IQ and you've been

581
00:42:48.760 --> 00:42:53.480
really, you know, blessed to be able to hear from God very clearly, be prophetic, you know,

582
00:42:53.480 --> 00:42:58.600
have the gifts of healing or whatever it is that you're operating in that causes people to want to

583
00:42:58.600 --> 00:43:04.840
come and receive from you. Sometimes we allow that to become our identity simply because we've

584
00:43:04.840 --> 00:43:08.840
never been successful anywhere else in life. We haven't been successful in relationships. We're

585
00:43:08.840 --> 00:43:13.800
not married. We don't have any children. We haven't been successful in other endeavors

586
00:43:13.800 --> 00:43:20.120
that we've tried. We're just successful in spiritual things. And so we may complain about it. And I'm

587
00:43:20.120 --> 00:43:24.120
not just talking about Carly because there's several others of you that have said, hey, you know,

588
00:43:24.120 --> 00:43:27.640
people always just want something for me. They want me to pray for them. They want me to do this or

589
00:43:27.640 --> 00:43:32.840
that. And everything feels transactional. But there's a part of you that also has created that

590
00:43:32.840 --> 00:43:39.080
environment because this is where you're needed and valued. And so really think about that because

591
00:43:39.080 --> 00:43:45.480
there's something I want you to know, God loves you outside of your gifts. If you never prayed

592
00:43:45.480 --> 00:43:49.880
for another person, if you never prophesied, if another person was not healed by your hands,

593
00:43:49.880 --> 00:43:56.040
you would still be the same valuable son or daughter of God as you are right now. And the

594
00:43:56.040 --> 00:43:59.720
reason why I'm saying that is because I've talked to a lot of young people that have come out of

595
00:43:59.720 --> 00:44:05.880
ministry schools. And part of really what they had a hard time with is that when I'm not prophesying,

596
00:44:05.880 --> 00:44:11.160
when I'm not praying for someone, do I still have value? Because they would be off somewhere doing

597
00:44:11.160 --> 00:44:15.160
something and they would feel like God asked them to go pray for this person at a gas station or

598
00:44:15.160 --> 00:44:20.680
whatever. You know, this is when they're no longer in that kind of intense environment of ministry

599
00:44:20.680 --> 00:44:24.680
school. And then they just dismissed it and they didn't do it. And then they started struggling

600
00:44:24.680 --> 00:44:30.200
with condemnation because they're like, you know, I didn't let God use me. I didn't do the thing

601
00:44:30.200 --> 00:44:34.360
that God was telling me to do. And now they're struggling with whether or not, you know, God's

602
00:44:34.360 --> 00:44:39.560
mad at them or God still loves them. Because whether they know it or not, they started to see

603
00:44:39.560 --> 00:44:45.080
themselves as someone who only has value when they're doing something spiritual, spiritual.

604
00:44:45.080 --> 00:44:51.160
So if you have ever struggled with that counterfeit of being a spiritualizer over spiritualizing,

605
00:44:51.160 --> 00:44:57.800
only seeing yourself as having value when you're doing spiritual things, I want to let you know that

606
00:44:57.800 --> 00:44:59.880
you are a spirit that lives in a body that possesses.

607
00:45:06.800 --> 00:45:10.480
to live in the spirit 24/7. It's just not going to happen. There's going to be days where you don't

608
00:45:10.480 --> 00:45:15.520
do whatever it is that you feel like God's leading you to do. And guess what? If it was really important,

609
00:45:15.520 --> 00:45:19.440
God will have someone else do it. You don't have to beat yourself up like, oh, no, it didn't get

610
00:45:19.440 --> 00:45:25.120
done. That person's just going to die or something. I seriously, God's going to let that person's fate

611
00:45:25.120 --> 00:45:31.920
depend on your humanity obeying him. I don't think so, friend. He loves that other person

612
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:38.240
just as much as he loves you. And so if you've been beating yourself up at all, because you feel

613
00:45:38.240 --> 00:45:44.800
like you can't sustain that level of spiritual pressure, I want to let you know that you're not

614
00:45:44.800 --> 00:45:52.400
supposed to sustain that level of spiritual pressure. Okay? God loves you. And you know what? Who God

615
00:45:52.400 --> 00:45:59.760
is to you? He will be through you. And so the more that you just relax in his love and you allow

616
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:05.200
yourself to just be who you are, really the more valuable you're going to be to the kingdom of God,

617
00:46:05.200 --> 00:46:11.040
the more people that you're going to reach probably in your weakness than in your giftings or strength.

618
00:46:11.040 --> 00:46:14.480
So I don't know who all that's for, but we won't call you out. We won't make you raise your hand,

619
00:46:14.480 --> 00:46:19.280
but hopefully that's helpful. Because a lot of you have that spiritualizer counterfeit,

620
00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.320
and it's a gift. It is. It's beautiful to have a high spiritual IQ and to be gifted,

621
00:46:24.320 --> 00:46:28.000
but let's not get it overextended and let it become our identity because it's not our identity.

622
00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:33.760
Okay. Were there any other questions about the worksheet? We have about 10 minutes left. I thought

623
00:46:33.760 --> 00:46:37.840
that was a really great share, Carly. And I think that it's set the stage for a lot of people to

624
00:46:37.840 --> 00:46:44.800
kind of really think into that. Also, on that same vein, if you just feel like you're not really

625
00:46:44.800 --> 00:46:49.120
that valuable unless you're serving someone or doing something, helping someone being generous in

626
00:46:49.120 --> 00:46:54.880
some way with your time, with your money or whatever, because that's what good people do,

627
00:46:54.880 --> 00:46:59.360
I want you to really examine what it's like, what it really means to be a good person.

628
00:46:59.360 --> 00:47:04.720
Because that could be a counterfeit. Being a good person can be a counterfeit.

629
00:47:04.720 --> 00:47:09.200
All right. Since no one else has raised their hand, I just want to talk about Amy's share in the

630
00:47:09.200 --> 00:47:14.880
group because I thought it was really good. Amy was sharing that she's a very competent person,

631
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:20.400
she's a very organized person, she's a very gifted person, knows a lot about hosting and

632
00:47:20.400 --> 00:47:27.280
hospitality and a samalair. How do we say that wine? You know, how we say it?

633
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:31.600
Sommelier. Sommelier, of course. Sommelier. Sommelier.

634
00:47:31.600 --> 00:47:39.280
You guys? I'm from say. You guys know I have dyslexia, right? So the worst of the worst for me

635
00:47:39.280 --> 00:47:44.720
is stuff in foreign languages. And I can't tell you how many times I've ordered the hummus with

636
00:47:44.720 --> 00:47:53.040
crudeites. Crudites, crudites, instead of, for those of you that know it's crudite,

637
00:47:53.040 --> 00:48:00.400
but I didn't and I would have never ever figured that out. So anyway, so she, you know, this is a

638
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:09.120
strength for her. This is an area where she excels. But as all of us that have ever led, you know,

639
00:48:09.120 --> 00:48:14.000
groups of people are invited or had hosted parties, there's always someone who, you know,

640
00:48:14.720 --> 00:48:19.280
they just don't pay attention. They're not paying attention to the invitation. They're not paying

641
00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:22.640
attention to the instructions. They continue to ask the same questions over and over again. So

642
00:48:22.640 --> 00:48:28.320
this happened to her. And what she recognized, the soonest person, she gave detailed instructions

643
00:48:28.320 --> 00:48:33.360
about where to come, when to come for this party, for this thing. And this lady's like, I didn't get

644
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:36.800
the invite. Well, yeah, it's right in front of you. You got it. It's right there. You're not paying

645
00:48:36.800 --> 00:48:43.520
attention. But what's more important is the way that Amy's nervous system reacted to this.

646
00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:51.440
She got instantly angry. Okay. And for all of us that are on the right side of 50, we know that

647
00:48:51.440 --> 00:48:59.760
sometimes that can just be menopause. But other than that, it is protecting annoying

648
00:48:59.760 --> 00:49:06.240
frustration with people, you know, irritation. Those are all forms of anger and they can be

649
00:49:06.240 --> 00:49:13.920
protecting someplace that we feel afraid or we feel hurt, taken advantage of. And Amy, when I

650
00:49:13.920 --> 00:49:19.200
read that, I felt like, you know, that woman, there could be lots of reasons. But one thing

651
00:49:19.200 --> 00:49:27.840
that was stuck out to me is that woman not seeing what you have done to, you know, invite people to

652
00:49:27.840 --> 00:49:37.120
come and experience this, that woman not recognizing that and not seeing it in a really off, you know,

653
00:49:37.120 --> 00:49:48.320
kind of alternate way or covert way was telling you that, you know, you hadn't crossed all the

654
00:49:48.320 --> 00:49:54.880
teas and dotted all the eyes. Because if you did, why are you so confused? You know, and I think

655
00:49:54.880 --> 00:49:59.040
that it's important for you to cross teas and dot eyes.

656
00:50:07.200 --> 00:50:13.120
you're an overachiever, you go the extra mile, you make things nice, you pride yourself on

657
00:50:13.120 --> 00:50:20.240
perfectionism, I want to invite you to show up messy. And that may be something that you really

658
00:50:20.240 --> 00:50:26.160
just have to do like on purpose because it may be really difficult for it to happen on accident

659
00:50:26.160 --> 00:50:33.280
because you're just so you got it together so much. But I want you to try to find a way to show up

660
00:50:33.280 --> 00:50:39.360
without it all together and see how that feels in your body. It's going to feel uncomfortable.

661
00:50:39.360 --> 00:50:43.120
But I really want you to do it. Does that make sense, Amy?

662
00:50:43.120 --> 00:50:49.760
Yes, it does going to be terrible.

663
00:50:49.760 --> 00:50:55.760
Well, and I did do that Saturday for the people that arrived. I was like, well,

664
00:50:55.760 --> 00:51:00.000
if it's not good enough in my mind, I was like, they don't have to be here. They can leave. I mean,

665
00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:08.000
it's not like. I love it. And so I had a great time. I think everybody had fun and if they didn't,

666
00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:13.360
I don't know. But yeah, this girl's comment was like when she said, well, I didn't, I missed the

667
00:51:13.360 --> 00:51:20.160
invite. I was like, no, you didn't. No, it didn't. You didn't. In fact, see this little avatar here?

668
00:51:20.160 --> 00:51:26.800
This says you read it. Does you love it when people say I didn't see it? But it very clearly

669
00:51:26.800 --> 00:51:34.880
shows that your account read the message. All right. Like, well, well, okay. So showing up messy

670
00:51:34.880 --> 00:51:41.680
friends, letting other people. Oh, this is good. Letting other people not have a good time

671
00:51:41.680 --> 00:51:50.000
if that's what they want. Not up to me. Yeah, raise your hand. If you're the kind of person who just

672
00:51:50.000 --> 00:51:53.600
doesn't enjoy a lot of things, because you're trying to make sure that everyone else is enjoying

673
00:51:53.600 --> 00:51:58.320
themselves. You know, you feel bad for the person in the corner. You want everyone to have friends,

674
00:51:58.320 --> 00:52:04.640
you want everyone to be enjoying themselves and partaking and all the things. Stop doing that.

675
00:52:04.640 --> 00:52:12.800
You are robbing yourself of joy. That's on that person. They want to go over there. They want to

676
00:52:12.800 --> 00:52:20.480
sit like a lump on a log. Let them. Let them do it. I want you to stay focused here. But after our

677
00:52:20.480 --> 00:52:27.360
12 weeks, go read Mel Robbins book, let them and let it change your life. Okay. Don't do it now

678
00:52:27.360 --> 00:52:32.640
because you don't have time. Do it later. Okay. But if you're always trying to fix stuff for other

679
00:52:32.640 --> 00:52:38.080
people that they are not even lifting a finger to fix for themselves, that's a counterfeit personality.

680
00:52:38.080 --> 00:52:43.680
Yep. And we got a bust out of that. Okay. Karen, let's see. We have five, we have four minutes.

681
00:52:43.680 --> 00:52:50.400
Go ahead, Karen. So for our relationships, do we pick a romantic first before we pick

682
00:52:50.400 --> 00:52:55.840
other ones? And how do we decide which relationships to pick like living past?

683
00:52:55.840 --> 00:52:59.680
I mean, you know what, pick the ones that you think are going to have the most impact.

684
00:52:59.680 --> 00:53:03.920
You know, pick a really, really good one, regardless of whether it was romantic,

685
00:53:03.920 --> 00:53:08.000
where you really felt like you showed up as authentically as possible and then, you know,

686
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:13.680
pick some that just didn't turn out. Okay. I hope that all of you have at least one good one to

687
00:53:13.680 --> 00:53:20.960
put on there. And then let's pick some ones that we can learn from the other way too. Okay. And

688
00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:26.240
Karen, I know that you have quite a few romantic relationships been in some wrecked up romances.

689
00:53:26.240 --> 00:53:32.480
All right. But you don't all have to be romantic on there. It can be, you know, it can be your

690
00:53:32.480 --> 00:53:43.200
relationship with your dad can be one. Yeah, if you want. Okay. Right. What is that?

691
00:53:43.200 --> 00:53:56.160
I couldn't think of it. Okay. All right. Karen, anyone else notice after 50 after like,

692
00:53:57.520 --> 00:54:03.200
after like seven, 30, and I'm a night out eight o'clock, your brain doesn't work anymore. Just

693
00:54:03.200 --> 00:54:07.360
like, wait a minute. I feel like I should be drinking matcha at nighttime, but then I probably

694
00:54:07.360 --> 00:54:12.640
wouldn't go to sleep and that wouldn't have been good. All right. Anybody else, you can only take

695
00:54:12.640 --> 00:54:18.240
a person as far as they're willing to go? Yes, it's true. And in friends, I have learned the hard

696
00:54:18.240 --> 00:54:27.040
way that not everyone belongs on your boat. And I'm a very inclusive person. I love to include

697
00:54:27.040 --> 00:54:33.920
everyone. I've always wanted, you know, like, you got people say, you know, wait till your ship

698
00:54:33.920 --> 00:54:38.880
comes in, like, wait till your ship comes in, you know, kind of thing. Well, I've always known that

699
00:54:38.880 --> 00:54:45.840
my ship is a cruise ship, you know, where it's not the people and we're going to party. And we're

700
00:54:45.840 --> 00:54:50.480
going to have fun because that isn't what I live in my life. You know, it's like, why would I want

701
00:54:50.480 --> 00:54:55.760
to go to the top where I can be about myself, unless I'm going to take a bunch of people with me.

702
00:54:55.760 --> 00:54:59.920
But I've learned the hard way that when you have that type of personality, there's going to be

703
00:55:04.880 --> 00:55:07.040
drilling holes in the bottom of your boat.

704
00:55:07.040 --> 00:55:09.880
They're drilling holes in the bottom of your boat and you're bailing water out of your boat

705
00:55:09.880 --> 00:55:11.560
because you don't want to let them go.

706
00:55:11.560 --> 00:55:12.560
You want them to come.

707
00:55:12.560 --> 00:55:13.560
You want them to have a better life.

708
00:55:13.560 --> 00:55:14.560
Like you get a revelation.

709
00:55:14.560 --> 00:55:17.200
This is how you can tell if you're this type of personality.

710
00:55:17.200 --> 00:55:18.400
You get a revelation.

711
00:55:18.400 --> 00:55:19.760
Something good happens to you.

712
00:55:19.760 --> 00:55:20.760
You win a prize.

713
00:55:20.760 --> 00:55:21.760
You do this.

714
00:55:21.760 --> 00:55:24.320
And the very first thing that you think is who can I share this with?

715
00:55:24.320 --> 00:55:28.040
Like not tell them about it, but like share it with them.

716
00:55:28.040 --> 00:55:30.980
And give them some of it.

717
00:55:30.980 --> 00:55:35.320
And yeah, that seems generous and I feel like, you know, I do have a gift of being a very

718
00:55:35.320 --> 00:55:40.400
generous person, but it was overextended by trauma.

719
00:55:40.400 --> 00:55:43.680
And then it became a weakness where I was never keeping anything for myself.

720
00:55:43.680 --> 00:55:48.080
I was always giving other people everything that I was getting, you know, including revelation

721
00:55:48.080 --> 00:55:49.840
all and I was trying to drag them along with it.

722
00:55:49.840 --> 00:55:53.360
You're like, well, Jackie, what kind of trauma would overextend generosity and make

723
00:55:53.360 --> 00:55:55.080
isn't being generous, always good?

724
00:55:55.080 --> 00:55:56.080
No.

725
00:55:56.080 --> 00:55:57.080
And I'll tell you why.

726
00:55:57.080 --> 00:56:03.680
My extension, the lie that I was believing was I didn't deserve to keep this to myself.

727
00:56:03.680 --> 00:56:08.360
And if I did keep it to myself, then I was a bad person and a selfish person.

728
00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:13.560
So even though I was meant to be generous, I had had so many ill things spoken over me

729
00:56:13.560 --> 00:56:19.160
all my life that even when good things were happening to me, it didn't feel like I was

730
00:56:19.160 --> 00:56:23.800
allowed to keep them or that God was going to let me keep them unless I shared them with

731
00:56:23.800 --> 00:56:31.040
everyone, you know, because you're not going to have to keep anything just for yourself.

732
00:56:31.040 --> 00:56:34.160
A good Christian would never do that.

733
00:56:34.160 --> 00:56:36.360
So now I know what to share and what not to share.

734
00:56:36.360 --> 00:56:41.080
I'm perfectly capable for the most part of enjoying my blessings without feeling like

735
00:56:41.080 --> 00:56:48.640
I have to take everyone along, but my ship is so crucial because I want to take a bunch

736
00:56:48.640 --> 00:56:53.760
of people who want to go, who should go with me, right?

737
00:56:53.760 --> 00:56:56.520
Case in point, why am I doing this with my life?

738
00:56:56.520 --> 00:56:57.520
Here we are.

739
00:56:57.520 --> 00:56:58.520
Okay.

740
00:56:58.520 --> 00:57:02.640
So the bottom line is is that we can have really, really great qualities that have just

741
00:57:02.640 --> 00:57:07.000
gotten a little bit out of balance and we just want to put them back into balance.

742
00:57:07.000 --> 00:57:11.520
And that's what we're going to kind of see in these relationship autopsy worksheets.

743
00:57:11.520 --> 00:57:12.520
Cool.

744
00:57:12.520 --> 00:57:13.520
You guys excited?

745
00:57:13.520 --> 00:57:18.760
You guys excited to build those non-negotiables next week?

746
00:57:18.760 --> 00:57:20.040
Be ready for me to push back.

747
00:57:20.040 --> 00:57:23.560
We're going to build solid ones and you guys, it's not just going to be about non-negotiables

748
00:57:23.560 --> 00:57:24.680
across the board.

749
00:57:24.680 --> 00:57:28.760
It's going to be about the non-negotiables that you should have in this season, in this

750
00:57:28.760 --> 00:57:30.040
season of your life.

751
00:57:30.040 --> 00:57:33.760
A non-negotiable that maybe you would have had when you were 20 something is probably

752
00:57:33.760 --> 00:57:35.640
not going to be the same as now.

753
00:57:35.640 --> 00:57:41.440
Like we're going to have to build them for right now, not for then.

754
00:57:41.440 --> 00:57:42.440
Cool.

755
00:57:42.440 --> 00:57:43.680
All right.

756
00:57:43.680 --> 00:57:48.640
For, I see Marcy's here and that is here.

757
00:57:48.640 --> 00:57:53.920
I'm just thinking about all the people that I've entered, things for Jeanette that posted

758
00:57:53.920 --> 00:57:56.640
in the group that I had answers for.

759
00:57:56.640 --> 00:58:04.080
I think Teodora had something there, Amy definitely did, Karen did, Angie may have.

760
00:58:04.080 --> 00:58:07.520
But there's lots of you that still are not hosting, I'm not seeing a lot of posts from

761
00:58:07.520 --> 00:58:08.520
you.

762
00:58:08.520 --> 00:58:09.800
Amber, you're here tonight.

763
00:58:09.800 --> 00:58:10.800
I loved it.

764
00:58:10.800 --> 00:58:15.800
I really saw, prophetically, that your identity that you wrote out, you really couldn't see

765
00:58:15.800 --> 00:58:16.800
it.

766
00:58:16.800 --> 00:58:20.760
It's disappearing ink, unless you looked at it from a different perspective, I felt like

767
00:58:20.760 --> 00:58:27.020
God was really inviting you to not just lean in closer to this new identity, also to look

768
00:58:27.020 --> 00:58:28.680
at it from a different perspective.

769
00:58:28.680 --> 00:58:33.640
I mean, we can always make something about, oh, it's worth the enemy, stole my identity

770
00:58:33.640 --> 00:58:35.880
and tried to erase me and all the things.

771
00:58:35.880 --> 00:58:41.200
But I also, I saw something very powerfully positive in that where God was inviting you

772
00:58:41.200 --> 00:58:43.440
to look at it differently.

773
00:58:43.440 --> 00:58:49.520
So hopefully you saw my response to that, I wasn't sure if you did or not.

774
00:58:49.520 --> 00:58:53.320
And there are a lot of you that have been kind of picking yourselves up a little bit

775
00:58:53.320 --> 00:58:59.080
and been like, hey, do I get to keep keep that, I don't want you to fix anything right now.

776
00:58:59.080 --> 00:59:02.800
Right now we're in discovery mode, we're just discovering what's there.

777
00:59:02.800 --> 00:59:06.280
We don't have to change anything about ourselves or fix anything about ourselves.

778
00:59:06.280 --> 00:59:12.680
All we're doing is getting the inventory of what it is that we're dealing with.

779
00:59:12.680 --> 00:59:13.680
Right?

780
00:59:13.680 --> 00:59:14.680
Okay.

781
00:59:14.680 --> 00:59:20.400
All right, looking forward to starting the dating challenge next week, please do not

782
00:59:20.400 --> 00:59:21.400
quit.

783
00:59:21.400 --> 00:59:26.180
I feel like there's at least one person who's just like going to stop showing up all of

784
00:59:26.180 --> 00:59:32.640
a sudden like, oh, so sorry, so busy, I cannot come because you think that you're not to

785
00:59:32.640 --> 00:59:37.040
face the sooner or later, I mean, how are we going to test any of this out if we don't

786
00:59:37.040 --> 00:59:39.000
test it out in real time?

787
00:59:39.000 --> 00:59:43.640
I think that it was Jane maybe that said, yeah, you know, I used to have a lot of counterfeits,

788
00:59:43.640 --> 00:59:45.280
but I've gotten a hold of all of them.

789
00:59:45.280 --> 00:59:49.760
Yeah, that's great, but I bet you ain't been in a relationship for a long time.

790
00:59:49.760 --> 00:59:56.680
And so guess what, those roosters will always come home to roost when they have a roost

791
00:59:56.680 --> 00:59:57.760
to come home to.

792
00:59:57.760 --> 00:59:59.800
So not that we haven't done it again.

793
01:00:09.000 --> 01:00:11.000
And there's nothing wrong with that.

794
01:00:11.000 --> 01:00:20.000
It's just once again, admission so that we can look at it and allow ourselves to use our rules to overcome it.

795
01:00:20.000 --> 01:00:21.000
Cool.

796
01:00:21.000 --> 01:00:23.000
All right, friends.

797
01:00:23.000 --> 01:00:25.000
Thank you for being here.

798
01:00:25.000 --> 01:00:28.000
And I'll see you Thursday for our longer coaching session.

799
01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:30.000
Please have your worksheets done by then.

800
01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:32.000
We'll do a few activations.

801
01:00:32.000 --> 01:00:35.000
We'll put in some breakouts that you share with each other on some things as well.

802
01:00:35.000 --> 01:00:36.000
All right, see you in the group.

803
01:00:36.000 --> 01:00:37.000
Make sure you post.