Hey everybody. I hope y'all are doing well. Long time no talk. We were just
visiting yesterday late last night. So I really heard and was very touched by
Amy's question. She had asked a question during the live and then she had made a
post directly after it. And it was actually interestingly something that
God had me walk through personally and then had me talk to a client about less
than a week ago and then a friend about it a few days maybe like two or three
days after. So apparently it's the running theme these days. But yeah, so I
walked through what I did with the Lord just waiting and believing in
complete faith for 20 years. Very, very, very long time. Hey Steph. Very long time.
And it's as you know those of you who have gone through this whether it be
for you know a shorter amount of time than that or a longer amount of time
than that. It doesn't matter. It's not the timing that matters. What
matters is that we are doing what we think that we're supposed to do. We're
believing the Lord. We're waiting on him. We think that we're enduring, that
we're having patience, that we're believing in, that we're doing everything
that we're supposed to do and yet it's still not working.
So before, so let me walk you as quickly as I can through my journey in just a
few minutes and you can see if there's any part of my journey in which you can
hear your own story and any part of the message that you can kind of resonate
with that that kind of resonates in your spirit. So the thing is that I had
received wounds just you know living life. Nothing like huge major you know
earth-shattering events but just actually just living through life.
Believing somehow that I was under a lot of oppression and I took all of the all
of the wounds and all of the lies that I began to believe from my wounds from
other people. I began to project them on to God. So one of the things that I have
one of the fears biggest fears that I've dealt with which really is everybody's
and it was something that the Lord eventually made me realize a few I
don't know maybe about two or three years ago. He actually gave me the name
for it and he said actually what you've been struggling with is a feeling of a
band is a fear of abandonment. So I had struggled with fears of abandonment from
certain people in my life and just relationships in general and then I had
then projected it on to God. So if I felt that other people weren't going to be
there for me when I needed them I also then believed because these are the
people that I can see I then took that projected it onto a world that I
couldn't see and thought well obviously you know God must abandon me too and
which is what we all typically do. For instance if we have mother wounds or
father wounds we tend to project those onto the Lord. If we have wounds with our
spouses most particularly though with our parents because you know they teach
us at such a young age and in that they kind of formed our whole world paradigm
interestingly develops by the time some some people say that it's as young as
three years old some people say it's as old as I'm like five or seven but
whatever it is it's at a very young age that we definitively decide our paradigm
for life. Am I safe and can I expect that I will have a fellowship with other
people that together we can collaborate and I can receive things from them and
they can receive things from me. That is all developed at an extremely young age.
God can overcome any of that so none of it is permanent but it is developed
where it's something to actually have to overcome and relearn by after a very
very young age. Hey Holly! So just wanted to walk y'all through what I'd
experienced just really quick. So like I said I had a major fear of abandonment
through the relationships that I had gone through and I projected that onto
God so I believed that I could not expect that he was going to be there. Hey
Holly! I couldn't expect that he would be there.
I also believed that I had a very skewed belief based off of the relationships
again that I experienced in life that God's love, because that's what I was
trying to earn, right? I was trying to earn that he would love me, that he would
like me, and that I could expect to be comforted by him because I didn't
believe that I had any one of those. So I didn't understand how to achieve love
and light from him, but I did learn some techniques of how to self-comfort, right?
So things like food, sleep, self-isolation. I struggled with associating people
with pain. It's only been within the past maybe year, maybe not even a year, past
several months that I've actually invited other people into my life a lot
more openly because I just associated people with pain so very much. So those
of you who have not isolated and alienated yourself from people as much
as I have, and you understand I'm not married, I don't have children, I could
really isolate. And those of you who haven't, you know, kudos to you,
full marks to you. You're further along than I was. It's pretty bad. Anyway, so
I associated, so what I was trying to do is I was trying to earn God's love,
God's light, and be able to understand whether or not I could expect to
be comforted by the Lord. So I believed, if you get down to the nuts and bolts of
it, I believed that God's love was earned through spiritual maturity. So as I grew
in my spiritual maturity, that earned God's love. And then I also believed that
spiritual maturity came by pain. That the only way to become more spiritually
mature was to experience pain. So therefore, I believed that God's love was
earned by pain. The harder the pain, the closer to God. And I lived my life like
that. I discovered that I, I don't know, somewhere in my 30s, that early 30s I
guess, that I had that I had made decisions like this. That if God, I would
try as much as possible to not make a decision until I heard from God. Say yes
or no, yay or nay, should I do this or should I not do this? And I would just be
stagnant until I heard an answer, yes or no. If I was forced through physical
circumstances to actually make a decision, like say somebody was in front
of my face or and I had to actually tell them something or I don't know, something,
that some decision had to be made for a car or for a medical decision or
whatever. If I couldn't hear God in time, in time, what I would do is I would
decide, okay what is it that I don't want to do? And that's what I'll do. And what
is it that I want to do? I won't do that one. So you can understand that I talked
to myself out of all of my dreams. If I wanted something, it meant that God
didn't want it in my paradigm. It meant that it was bad for me and that was a
bad thing for me to dream. Because see, it didn't have any pain in it and I
thought that pain earned God's love. Do you see how twisted all of this was? So
if it was something that I didn't want to do, that's what I did. If it was
something that could damage my reputation, if it is something that could
it hurt me financially, if it is seems like a spiritual choice but not a worldly
choice, you know spiritual like godly choice or whatever, then that's the one
that I chose. So if I wanted something I didn't I didn't allow myself to have it
and if I didn't want to do something that's the thing that I chose to do. So
you can imagine bitterness and the resentment that would build up from
something like that and how that would just kind of exacerbate the problem and
the belief that I had that I wasn't loved, I wasn't liked, that anything out
of me, anything that came about me couldn't possibly be good because that's
how I was living my life. I was living my life constantly shutting down
everything good and then constantly absorbing everything and that was that
felt like pain. So I would bring pain into myself and I would deny myself joy
and I thought that this is what God delighted in. So anyway that is how I
chose to learn to serve the Lord and sorry let me think of the next thing to
tell in the story. I then because I believed that God required pain in order
to spiritually mature, yes exactly Steph, we're often taught to deny ourselves so
that we'll grow through.
grow through trials and it's very, it's a very formulaic and it is very
self-condemning and it is not the way that God, it's not the way that God
operates at all. It's a very, very twisted way of seeing it. It's according to the
knowledge of the tree of good and evil, which I'll talk about, which I was
planning to talk about tonight, but I just felt in my spirit that this was
more important to address really quick. So I'll probably talk about that
tomorrow. How all of this developed and why we, why we've developed a culture and
a mindset of this that we have passed down, down the line for thousands of
years, thousands of years. So I again became very bitter, very resentful to the
Lord because I believe that he required, re-required pain in order to teach me
something and then I felt abandoned in it because obviously I just, I didn't
feel the Lord. I didn't feel his love. Some times I didn't even feel his
presence. There was one time when I was right out of college, I was teaching and
I out told the Lord. I said, Lord, I am going through so much and I have been
going through so much. I didn't know I was in the middle of depression, PTSD and
all of that. All I knew is that I just felt horrible and I just felt low, felt
like a worm, you know, and I was just wondering, Lord, where are you? So I
told the Lord, I said, Lord, you can take me through whatever you want, want me to
go through, but do, but always let me know your presence. Always let me feel your
presence. Always let me know that you haven't abandoned me. You hear the word?
That was my greatest fear is abandonment and so he did. He presented himself to me
so I could see him. So sometimes I would look up and desire to see him and I could
see him there, you know, in my spiritual eye, I could see him standing there
and he had no expression on his face. It's referred to, there's an experiment
actually called the still-faced experiment, which I will probably
attach a link in here to. The Lord appeared to me like that back in
either fall of 2006 or spring of 2007, one of those. It appeared to me like that
and it was just deadpan. So I would cry out to him. I would just talk to him and it
was like, it was like talking to a wall. He didn't respond. So I felt like my
parent, the Lord, was there while I was being abused because that's what it felt
like in my world. It just felt like I was just, I was just, you know, running into
one battle right after another and he wasn't looking on me kindly and he
wasn't looking on me in anger either. He was, it was nothing. You know that
children desire, you know that children desire attention so badly that they'll
even take the negative attention, but what they cannot handle is no attention.
They can't handle no interaction and that's not because
they're children, it's because they're human beings. That is the way that we are
created. So that is how the Lord appeared to me because I told him, hey Lord, you
can do whatever you want, you can take me through whatever pain, just don't
leave me. Well, he didn't leave me, but I actually discovered what I believe might
be worse and that is the fact that, I'm sorry I keep getting all these messages, I
have to swipe them out of the way, and that is the fact that if a parent
or God or whatever is there and they're not responding, they're not
responding to you or that's what it feels like. As opposed to them not being
there and you're thinking, where were you? You've abandoned me in it. This is them
there and not, and while you're being abused, while it feels like you're being
abused, while you're going through all this pain and all this heartache and
they're not responding. They're not responding favorably and they're not
responding negatively. They're not interacting at all. No response, no, not
nothing. Nothing to your pain, nothing to your crying out, no answers
to questions, nothing and it is torment. It is absolute torment. So, I was very
resentful that he had taken me through 20, at the time I don't remember how
many been, I don't know if it may have been about 10 years at the time, so I
didn't know it was only halfway through. I've gone through 20 years by now, but at the time it was only
halfway through and I did not realize and so what was going on is the same
thing that I kept dealing with and that was just this resentment that, Lord, you
would require pain in order to teach me how to be more like you and then you'd
abandon me in it to figure out how on earth to make you happy and then after
all of the hurt and all of the pain, I now need to heal and now you won't heal
me, you won't allow me to heal, you won't give me good gifts.
and I am believing and I am enduring and I have faith and I'm even applying words
to the faith dadgummit and you're not there you're not responding to me and
that that's miserable because that he would require pain to teach to teach me
and then he would abandon me in it because again still face not responding
at all and then after all of that after all of that torture all of that hurt all
of that buffeting all of that beating now I need to be healed and now he won't
let me heal now I can't no matter no matter what I ask of him no matter how I
how I seek him I I'm not going through the torture anymore but Lord now I can't
heal from what I've been through you won't let me heal either and so just
again terrible bitterness and resentment so I've also felt like I was being
punished for not knowing some secret spiritual principle that was out there
that somebody else knew and that and they knew how we were supposed to be
healed they knew how we were what it is that God wanted and what it is that God
required in order to allow me to be healed again I did understand see I knew
all the right words to say I knew that oh well I know it's not God I know I
know that it's me I knew all of the right things to say but when you're in
it what ends up happening is that we do hold resentment against the Lord that we
honestly look at ourselves and we're beating ourselves up for it I'm sorry
Lord I must be bad I must be bad and it's bad I don't know why I can't figure
this out I'm so sorry Lord please have patience for me but underneath what's
really going on my battery's dying all kinds of things here batteries dying on
my phone I gotta keep it plugged in there we go and lost my train of thought
there but anyway that that there is that there's this secret principle out there
that I couldn't I couldn't get a hold of and so what we end up doing is oh this
is where I left off this is I began to hold God to hold him accountable for
what had happened to me hold God accountable for what I'd been through
and I finally allowed myself to admit it because I went so long trying to take on
the burden that finally the resentment built up that I had deep down against
the Lord the entire time built up so much because everything that we deal
with literally everything everything is actually an accusation against God's
character period everything so it means that there's something that we're not
believing about him there's something that we're not believing about his
goodness etc we try to tell ourselves no I know I know that God's nothing but good
I know that he's whatever if we are hurt there is some element in which we
are actually accusing God's character so eventually God allowed the issues that I
was dealing with to go on long enough and become bad enough where I couldn't
ignore the fact that I was mad at God that I could say all the right churchy
things that oh it's not God it's me and I know that because he's the only love
and God of course would be good and I'm a worm and I could say all the right
things all of the right things you know that the church teaches us to say that
church culture and in our own minds tell us to say but deep down I finally came
to realize it grew so much that it couldn't be ignored and I realized I am
so mad at God and and it was it was more than the fact that I was holding him to
account for it holding him accountable for what it is that he that I felt
that he had done to me I was calling him forth in front of me as the judge to
and calling him to account for why he had done what he'd done and why he had
allowed what he'd allowed I mean that's that's extreme so not only was I holding
him accountable I was calling him forth to account understand this is somebody
who always you know would just condemn myself to the nth degree before blaming
another person let alone God and I finally got to the point where where I
realized I'm holding I'm calling him forth and I'm wanting him to to explain
to me and to have a reason why he'd taken me through what he'd taken me
through so that's what it is that God had to that that's how bad things were I
I had a I was
dealing with this sense of entitlement, that I was owed something by God. So, that
was my experience. That was, you know, very high level because I
didn't go into all the details of why and what had happened and all the wounds
and whatever, but ultimately, what I explained, that's the root of
everything as I was really, really upset at the Lord for what he'd done. I mean,
what I thought that he'd done, what I thought that he'd allowed and that I
thought, this is how we're told by the church that to expect and what I
thought the Bible to expect about the Christian life. I thought, this
is miserable. The non-Christians are so much more happy than I am and even the
Christians who aren't following the Lord or think that it's okay to just kind of
go through life, laissez-faire, are much more happy than I am. Yet, they're
getting all of the good gifts that I've been asking, that I've been wanting
from the Lord, all of the dreams that I had dreamed, etc. They're the ones
that are getting them and they're the ones who are doing all kinds of things
that I'm not doing. Lord, they're sleeping around and they're lying and
they're taking drugs and you're redeeming them and you're whatever and
you're providing with all of these gifts and overabundance of blessings, etc.
I'm trying to be spiritually mature through absorbing as much pain as
possible and you won't give me even a tiny little thing or the little bitty
things that you'll give me. I felt burdened by that. Well, I should just be
grateful. I should be grateful for what I have. I shouldn't want any more. It was
just terribly, terribly self-condemning. So finally, it got so bad and this is what
it is. So that's my story. That's my
personal background on it. So y'all can see if there's anything in the story
that you feel that you can resonate with and relate to. But finally, it got to
the point where I told the Lord, okay Lord, you haven't healed me yet and I've
been going through so much pain and desiring and desirous of so much
healing for 20 years. I have waited for you like you've told me to. I've had
faith like you've told me to. I believed like you've told me to and yet I haven't
received anything. And the other people who aren't doing those things are
receiving them. So Lord, I don't know what to do. So what I began to
understand and began to be exposed to is the ideas, just the ideas mind you, just
the thoughts, just the ideas from messages or whatever, that God was
love. That God was a love that I didn't know existed. And so what I decided to do
is that everything that I had done up to this point had gotten me to this point
and therefore I couldn't continue to use it and expect it to now work. So I knew
that I had to abandon my lifestyle, my way of making decisions, my approach to
the Lord. I had to abandon all of it. We're not talking about, oh let's get rid
of a little bit. No, I had been doing that here and there trying to replace
different doctrines or theologies or beliefs about the Lord here and there
piecemeal. Finally got to the point and like, you know, this is for
the birds. This doesn't work. I'm going to scrap everything. And so I
thought, how do I make decisions? How do I make decisions based off whatever it is?
I ask the Lord first and if I don't get an answer, then whatever it
is I don't want to do, that's what I do. Whenever I do want to do, that's what I
don't do and that's how I make decisions. So I thought, okay, I can't make decisions
like that anymore. So what's the opposite? The opposite is, what is it
that I want to do? I started doing that and then I just asked the Lord to bless
it. Lord, here I go. I asked you to bless it. I understand it was very, very
extreme because I just I had to jump completely out of this pool, two feet
into this pool. And yes, it's not small because it felt like I was
putting my entire life in all different areas of my life at risk because all of
a sudden, the God that I knew who was so judgmental could suddenly
pour down the wrath that I had tried so hard for 20-plus years and because I
wasn't going all the way back to my childhood. I was starting at somewhere
like, I don't know, 11 or 12 or whenever all of this this difficulty started. For
all of this time, I've been trying to keep his wrath and his displeasure at
bay, but yet I hadn't received any of his love. That's what it felt like. So I was
like, forget it. I'm at the point where I'm willing to risk everything.
So what the Lord finally ended up showing me was,
he said, Ashley, abandon everything
and just know you're loved.
Stop trying, stop being willing,
and stop believing.
Just live like it's true.
I say that I am this loving,
so I want you to believe that I'm that loving.
And I want you to just step into it.
You don't even have to, you know,
you don't have to even be willing anymore to,
and be holding on to some kind of a faith
and kind of keeping things together
that I'm eventually gonna come through for you.
It's like, mm-mm, just act like it.
You don't even have to try to believe it anymore
because I had too much effort and striving,
which is the problem, I wasn't in rest.
I had too much effort and striving in my willingness,
in my faith, in my belief, in my endurance.
It was all white-knuckling everything.
Lord, I'm willing, I'm willing, I'm willing.
I believe, I believe, I have faith, I have faith.
Everything was, there was so much strife
in all of those things, and that's a problem.
I thought that I was obeying God.
I was being willing.
I was believing.
You hear all of the godly words?
I was trusting.
But the problem was how I was approaching them.
I was still approaching them out of too much work,
trying to hold my confession
and trying to keep it all together.
And that was the barrier to my healing.
It was what was underlying and driving the willingness,
the trying, the belief, whatever other godly terms,
and the endurance, the patience, whatever it was,
I was drumming it up out of my own soul
instead of receiving it from the Lord
effortlessly like a son of God.
Remember what we talked about last night
where things are supposed to just come to us
naturally as a son of God
as opposed to us drumming them up out of ourselves.
Well, I was trying to drum it up out of myself,
trying to give, work myself up
in order to give something to God,
in order to reach something, reach him part way
where I could just kind of like
scrape out some kind of a blessing.
So he told me, Ashley, abandon everything.
He said, you don't know how to be willing
without working for it.
You don't know how to have faith without working for it.
You don't know how to believe me without working for it.
You don't know how to have hope without working for it.
And again, I'm not talking about like even a doing,
I'm talking about an internal, an internal striving.
Lord, I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping
if there's a tenseness in there,
in the willingness, in the trying, in the hope,
in the belief, it is striving.
And that is what is hindering the healing from coming.
So I abandon all those godly terms,
all those godly actions,
all those godly perspectives of God.
Lord, I'm willing, I'm believing in whatever.
Abandon all of them.
Because he said, Ashley, you can't do it without striving.
He said, you, like, if we follow the Lord,
we absolutely can.
But he said, Ashley, you don't know how to do it
without striving, so stop doing it altogether.
So it's like, okay, Lord, you say that you're this good,
so I'm going to declare that you're as good
as you said that you are, and I have this problem.
I desire to be healed.
I am so hurt because it feels like you did things to me,
that you hurt me, that you broke my bones,
that you whipped me, that you abandoned me,
that you whatevered to me, and I am so hurt,
and I don't know how to reconcile it.
I don't know how to fix it.
So I'm just gonna give it up.
I'm going to give it to you,
and I'm going to ask you to heal it.
Okay, you got it?
Okay, good.
I'm gonna go play.
Like a child to a parent, the parent is the one
who's going to take care of it for us.
We can just be the child, entrust it to our parent,
and say, okay, you got it?
Okay, I'm gonna go play, and go play,
because you haven't been allowing yourself to play.
You haven't been allowing yourself to just be,
because there's always too much that you had to do
in order to dutifully please your parent.
They're the parent, that's what they're there for.
So what I decided is, this is what I'm talking about
when I say I risked everything.
I didn't have anybody to walk me through this.
I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing,
but this is what I'm gonna do.
And after 20 some odd years,
I finally started to heal.
That is major, major.
After 20 some odd years.
of trying and doing all of the godly things and obeying like a good servant
and not doing what I wanted to do and only you know yeah and then doing what I
didn't want to do and all of that it didn't work. So I finally gave it all up
my God you said you'll take care of it I'm gonna give it to you and I'm gonna
trust that you're gonna take care of it 100% and I believe that I can just go
play while you take care of it you're the parent you're gonna you're gonna be
the one to worry about it you're gonna be the one to take care of it you're
gonna be the one to figure it all out I'm gonna go play and I'm gonna expect
to receive healing by osmosis because you're over there healing it I don't
even know all the damage that's been done to me I don't even really know what
all that I am need healing from if I if I went to a psychologist and started
explaining things to me they probably tell me things like well you've got a
mother wound and according to all of your symptoms you've got a father wound
and according to all of these symptoms you you're you deal with perfectionism
and according to all of these these these symptoms you deal with emotional
abandonment and so we're going to be working on these things so say these
affirmations after me and you do this and you do that and whatever you don't
even have to know any of that you don't have to I discovered that I did not have
to research the ins and outs of what was wrong with me and the damage that had
been done to me and the lies that I was believing I did not have to do that in
order to be healed God knew what was wrong with me there he did not require
me to have knowledge of evil and damage in order to heal God does not require us
to focus on the negative and on on the evil damage of systems as the as the
path through which we're allowed to be healed no healing is our right as sons
of God and we do not have to go through something negative and focus on
something negative and think about it and try to battle it and do all of these
hard things again going it in order to be healed we do not have to work harder
in order to move into rest we simply stop that is all we have to do so that
is what it is that God walked me through and it was it was major so now I am
healing and I don't even realize that I'm what I'm healing from completely all
I know is I'll get with certain people that I used to be triggered by and I'm
not triggered or I am still triggered a little bit but it's so small wow that's
amazing I don't know how it's I do know how but my point is that I didn't know
what was going on so here's and and I didn't have to think of all and go
through all of the particulars I didn't have to go through my generational line
and and and repent of things that other people had done in my generational line
I didn't have to repent of all the things that I had done I didn't have to
I didn't have to know any of it I didn't have to it did not have to rise from my
subconscious into my conscious in order for me to deal with it to repent it to
take it before the repent of it to take it before the Lord and all of that all
of that inner healing stuff by the way in the churches all of that is very real
that's why I'm that's why I'm talking about this message tonight is because
all of that other stuff is very real and I did it for so long but there's no end
of learning in it there is always something more to learn and it's
exhausting and somebody else has some new perspective by which that you can
view it you can go through this tool and you can go through these
affirmations and you can go through and we're talking about Christian stuff
we're not talking about New Age stuff you know you just you find your Bible
verses and you cling to them and you and you do this the understand those are
just tools and they work but they're not required for healing period and and I'm
just talking about healing for instance there there's other things that we could
talk about related to what your container might be holding you know out
of fear that you just need to let go of you can actually let go of things out of
that container and release things without them without you even know and
and then effortlessly receive something from the Lord without you even knowing
you were holding something in that container so how is all that's happening
remember I said I said just a little bit ago I I actually now know how all of
this was happening and currently
is still happening as I'm being healed behind the scenes when I'm going to
people and they're not triggering me anymore or when they do trigger me it's
so very small it's shocking because I've always you know inside it's always like
direct havoc in me and now it's just like this tiny little thing and I
realized oh my goodness there's been a change in me what on earth has been
going on I haven't been doing anything different I actually learned what's been
going on and that's the fact it fact of fact and that is the fact that I have
just abandoned myself to God's love I've just believed that he's as loving as
that he's as he says that he is and that's a choice that's not a feeling
that I have I had to choose that he would choose to believe that he was that
loving and that that is the real is reality I had to choose that that is the
reality of the world it's like choosing that unicorns are real it's just it's
you know you can look around you you think there is absolutely no evidence
for this or I can't see evident there really is evidence for it but we just
can't see it we've got these blinders on you know we're blind to it and we're
looking around going you know there's nothing except for the fact that God
says in his word he's that love he's that he's not loving and he's and so I'm
just gonna have to choose that that's my reality and I'm gonna and think well if
I believed that God since I believe that God is that loving what would I do in my
life how would I make this new decision if I believe God is that loving I know
how I would have made that decision if I if I doubted God's love or doubted that
he loved me that much or that he was requiring that thing of me in order to
love me or whatever but if he he loves me as much as he says that he does what
kind of a decision what I make then and it changes the decisions that I make so
by believing that God is as loving as he says that he is I allow that to fill
my life now I that isn't the thing that I have to wake up and live every single
day every single moment is how great is God's goodness and how great is his love
period is in it and then especially for me and that is the lens through which I
make every single decision and the and what I what I filter every single
thought through and by only doing that I'm healing and I don't even know I'm
healing until I get into a situation with a person that used to wound me and
hurt me by the things that they would say and it doesn't hurt anymore I'm
thinking well that's weird because I haven't been thinking about that I
haven't been working on that I haven't been trying to tell myself actually you
know that what they said isn't true actually you know that what they said
about you isn't true actually you know what they say about you it's a trick you
know I'm not having to work on it that's what I used to do I used to have
to work really hard to tell myself yeah but what these things people are saying
or you know isn't true I don't do anymore I don't even focus on them at
all I don't focus on those people I don't focus on my pain I don't focus on
what it is that they told me in the past or be afraid that oh my goodness I'm
about to be in the presence what are on earth are they about to say I don't
think about it at all because my entire world is filled with nothing but
thinking about how much God loves me and how good that he is and make all of
the decisions you know with people that I ran into you know children that I ran
into and friends that I ran into and whether you know doing the dishes or
what am I gonna do now or what should I do for the April intensive or how should
I interact with such-and-such a client everything is filtered through how much
does he love me and how good is he that is healing me I don't have to focus on
those areas in order for his love to fill me up so much that it's pushing out
the negative remember you do not have to focus on the negative and push it out
you only have to focus on the positive and then as you is that will draw you to
it and it and as you're drawn to it and you and you allow it to fill up your
world in a greater and greater and greater measure it pushes out the
negative you don't even have to think about anymore so yes yes that's right
stuff that's right so anyway I hope that this is is helpful I reached actually
had to was explaining this to somebody and just the other day and so it was it
more fresh on my mind because someone asked me a question and and about the
fact that whether they've been waiting and believing and God wouldn't allow
them to be healed no matter how much they'd sacrifice for him and that so
they were constantly seeking a new message from the Lord or new tip or
trick on how to get inner healing you know from Christian people what new tool
they could use thinking
that there was something out there somewhere
that they were missing, that someone else knew,
and they were being punished, is what it felt like,
that you're punished and you have to live with your healing
until you seek enough and search enough and try enough
to find the one person that God has revealed the answer to
that the rest of the world needs to know,
that is absolute hogwash, absolute hogwash.
God is not going to leave you in a place of lack
where you have to have someone else
in order to teach you something.
Oh, well, I'm not gonna reveal that to you, Ashley.
I'm gonna reveal that to them,
and you're just gonna have to seek the internet
and seek churches and make lots of friends,
hoping you'll find the person, like Waldo,
that I have revealed that secret to.
It's this treasure hunt, Ashley.
You know, don't, you know, be excited about it.
God doesn't do that.
He doesn't.
So the thing that I realized that was standing in my way
was I was trying too hard.
So yes, yes, Cheryl, I know, isn't that wild?
So anyway, I hope that this is helpful.
I hope that this is freeing.
If any of you wanted to talk about
some personal or private things,
if any of you have any questions,
just feel free to post them below
or post them on a special Facebook post.
And then if y'all have any private questions
you can ask me, and then if you have, like,
a longer story or a longer explanation
that you felt that you were needing,
feel free to, we can talk about it in our private sessions.
So anyway, hopefully this is helpful.
Good to see y'all, as always.
I'm gonna try to get on, I'm gonna get on tomorrow
and talk about the Tree of Life
versus the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil,
and go into it, hopefully, in a bit more depth
than I did in videos where I've either been interviewed
or where I was doing that leadership meeting.
So, because there's a lot of detail
I wasn't able to cover in both of those.
So I hope that y'all have a really good night,
and I will talk to you later.
Bye.