WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.920 Hey everybody. I hope y'all are doing well. Long time no talk. We were just 2 00:00:05.920 --> 00:00:16.440 visiting yesterday late last night. So I really heard and was very touched by 3 00:00:16.440 --> 00:00:21.640 Amy's question. She had asked a question during the live and then she had made a 4 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:33.320 post directly after it. And it was actually interestingly something that 5 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:41.560 God had me walk through personally and then had me talk to a client about less 6 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:46.440 than a week ago and then a friend about it a few days maybe like two or three 7 00:00:46.440 --> 00:00:53.280 days after. So apparently it's the running theme these days. But yeah, so I 8 00:00:53.280 --> 00:00:59.160 walked through what I did with the Lord just waiting and believing in 9 00:00:59.160 --> 00:01:07.160 complete faith for 20 years. Very, very, very long time. Hey Steph. Very long time. 10 00:01:07.160 --> 00:01:14.640 And it's as you know those of you who have gone through this whether it be 11 00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:20.640 for you know a shorter amount of time than that or a longer amount of time 12 00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:25.200 than that. It doesn't matter. It's not the timing that matters. What 13 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:30.120 matters is that we are doing what we think that we're supposed to do. We're 14 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:34.880 believing the Lord. We're waiting on him. We think that we're enduring, that 15 00:01:34.880 --> 00:01:38.080 we're having patience, that we're believing in, that we're doing everything 16 00:01:38.080 --> 00:01:41.280 that we're supposed to do and yet it's still not working. 17 00:01:41.360 --> 00:01:49.960 So before, so let me walk you as quickly as I can through my journey in just a 18 00:01:49.960 --> 00:01:57.080 few minutes and you can see if there's any part of my journey in which you can 19 00:01:57.080 --> 00:02:04.760 hear your own story and any part of the message that you can kind of resonate 20 00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:12.520 with that that kind of resonates in your spirit. So the thing is that I had 21 00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:17.960 received wounds just you know living life. Nothing like huge major you know 22 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:22.400 earth-shattering events but just actually just living through life. 23 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:30.560 Believing somehow that I was under a lot of oppression and I took all of the all 24 00:02:30.640 --> 00:02:35.400 of the wounds and all of the lies that I began to believe from my wounds from 25 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:40.960 other people. I began to project them on to God. So one of the things that I have 26 00:02:40.960 --> 00:02:45.240 one of the fears biggest fears that I've dealt with which really is everybody's 27 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:53.440 and it was something that the Lord eventually made me realize a few I 28 00:02:53.440 --> 00:02:59.320 don't know maybe about two or three years ago. He actually gave me the name 29 00:02:59.320 --> 00:03:03.920 for it and he said actually what you've been struggling with is a feeling of a 30 00:03:03.920 --> 00:03:09.160 band is a fear of abandonment. So I had struggled with fears of abandonment from 31 00:03:09.160 --> 00:03:14.200 certain people in my life and just relationships in general and then I had 32 00:03:14.200 --> 00:03:18.000 then projected it on to God. So if I felt that other people weren't going to be 33 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:22.480 there for me when I needed them I also then believed because these are the 34 00:03:22.480 --> 00:03:26.160 people that I can see I then took that projected it onto a world that I 35 00:03:26.160 --> 00:03:31.320 couldn't see and thought well obviously you know God must abandon me too and 36 00:03:31.320 --> 00:03:35.160 which is what we all typically do. For instance if we have mother wounds or 37 00:03:35.160 --> 00:03:38.960 father wounds we tend to project those onto the Lord. If we have wounds with our 38 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:43.080 spouses most particularly though with our parents because you know they teach 39 00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:48.000 us at such a young age and in that they kind of formed our whole world paradigm 40 00:03:48.000 --> 00:03:53.280 interestingly develops by the time some some people say that it's as young as 41 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:57.920 three years old some people say it's as old as I'm like five or seven but 42 00:03:57.920 --> 00:04:03.360 whatever it is it's at a very young age that we definitively decide our paradigm 43 00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:10.880 for life. Am I safe and can I expect that I will have a fellowship with other 44 00:04:10.880 --> 00:04:16.640 people that together we can collaborate and I can receive things from them and 45 00:04:16.640 --> 00:04:22.960 they can receive things from me. That is all developed at an extremely young age. 46 00:04:22.960 --> 00:04:28.680 God can overcome any of that so none of it is permanent but it is developed 47 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:35.680 where it's something to actually have to overcome and relearn by after a very 48 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:39.920 very young age. Hey Holly! So just wanted to walk y'all through what I'd 49 00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:45.120 experienced just really quick. So like I said I had a major fear of abandonment 50 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.560 through the relationships that I had gone through and I projected that onto 51 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:54.000 God so I believed that I could not expect that he was going to be there. Hey 52 00:04:54.000 --> 00:05:01.240 Holly! I couldn't expect that he would be there. 53 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.460 I also believed that I had a very skewed belief based off of the relationships 54 00:05:06.460 --> 00:05:12.060 again that I experienced in life that God's love, because that's what I was 55 00:05:12.060 --> 00:05:15.460 trying to earn, right? I was trying to earn that he would love me, that he would 56 00:05:15.460 --> 00:05:19.580 like me, and that I could expect to be comforted by him because I didn't 57 00:05:19.580 --> 00:05:26.580 believe that I had any one of those. So I didn't understand how to achieve love 58 00:05:26.580 --> 00:05:32.700 and light from him, but I did learn some techniques of how to self-comfort, right? 59 00:05:32.700 --> 00:05:39.180 So things like food, sleep, self-isolation. I struggled with associating people 60 00:05:39.180 --> 00:05:45.300 with pain. It's only been within the past maybe year, maybe not even a year, past 61 00:05:45.300 --> 00:05:49.060 several months that I've actually invited other people into my life a lot 62 00:05:49.060 --> 00:05:54.740 more openly because I just associated people with pain so very much. So those 63 00:05:54.740 --> 00:06:00.020 of you who have not isolated and alienated yourself from people as much 64 00:06:00.020 --> 00:06:02.900 as I have, and you understand I'm not married, I don't have children, I could 65 00:06:02.900 --> 00:06:08.020 really isolate. And those of you who haven't, you know, kudos to you, 66 00:06:08.020 --> 00:06:14.340 full marks to you. You're further along than I was. It's pretty bad. Anyway, so 67 00:06:14.340 --> 00:06:18.780 I associated, so what I was trying to do is I was trying to earn God's love, 68 00:06:18.780 --> 00:06:23.540 God's light, and be able to understand whether or not I could expect to 69 00:06:23.540 --> 00:06:29.340 be comforted by the Lord. So I believed, if you get down to the nuts and bolts of 70 00:06:29.340 --> 00:06:37.860 it, I believed that God's love was earned through spiritual maturity. So as I grew 71 00:06:37.860 --> 00:06:43.340 in my spiritual maturity, that earned God's love. And then I also believed that 72 00:06:43.340 --> 00:06:49.860 spiritual maturity came by pain. That the only way to become more spiritually 73 00:06:49.900 --> 00:06:56.540 mature was to experience pain. So therefore, I believed that God's love was 74 00:06:56.540 --> 00:07:02.580 earned by pain. The harder the pain, the closer to God. And I lived my life like 75 00:07:02.580 --> 00:07:10.540 that. I discovered that I, I don't know, somewhere in my 30s, that early 30s I 76 00:07:10.540 --> 00:07:18.380 guess, that I had that I had made decisions like this. That if God, I would 77 00:07:18.780 --> 00:07:24.300 try as much as possible to not make a decision until I heard from God. Say yes 78 00:07:24.300 --> 00:07:28.580 or no, yay or nay, should I do this or should I not do this? And I would just be 79 00:07:28.580 --> 00:07:33.940 stagnant until I heard an answer, yes or no. If I was forced through physical 80 00:07:33.940 --> 00:07:37.340 circumstances to actually make a decision, like say somebody was in front 81 00:07:37.340 --> 00:07:42.660 of my face or and I had to actually tell them something or I don't know, something, 82 00:07:42.660 --> 00:07:47.180 that some decision had to be made for a car or for a medical decision or 83 00:07:47.180 --> 00:07:53.380 whatever. If I couldn't hear God in time, in time, what I would do is I would 84 00:07:53.380 --> 00:07:58.900 decide, okay what is it that I don't want to do? And that's what I'll do. And what 85 00:07:58.900 --> 00:08:04.820 is it that I want to do? I won't do that one. So you can understand that I talked 86 00:08:04.820 --> 00:08:09.940 to myself out of all of my dreams. If I wanted something, it meant that God 87 00:08:09.940 --> 00:08:14.580 didn't want it in my paradigm. It meant that it was bad for me and that was a 88 00:08:14.580 --> 00:08:19.860 bad thing for me to dream. Because see, it didn't have any pain in it and I 89 00:08:19.860 --> 00:08:25.100 thought that pain earned God's love. Do you see how twisted all of this was? So 90 00:08:25.100 --> 00:08:30.620 if it was something that I didn't want to do, that's what I did. If it was 91 00:08:30.620 --> 00:08:35.659 something that could damage my reputation, if it is something that could 92 00:08:35.900 --> 00:08:43.659 it hurt me financially, if it is seems like a spiritual choice but not a worldly 93 00:08:43.659 --> 00:08:46.700 choice, you know spiritual like godly choice or whatever, then that's the one 94 00:08:46.700 --> 00:08:50.060 that I chose. So if I wanted something I didn't I didn't allow myself to have it 95 00:08:50.060 --> 00:08:54.260 and if I didn't want to do something that's the thing that I chose to do. So 96 00:08:54.260 --> 00:08:58.620 you can imagine bitterness and the resentment that would build up from 97 00:08:58.620 --> 00:09:03.780 something like that and how that would just kind of exacerbate the problem and 98 00:09:03.780 --> 00:09:10.020 the belief that I had that I wasn't loved, I wasn't liked, that anything out 99 00:09:10.020 --> 00:09:13.460 of me, anything that came about me couldn't possibly be good because that's 100 00:09:13.460 --> 00:09:17.420 how I was living my life. I was living my life constantly shutting down 101 00:09:17.420 --> 00:09:22.180 everything good and then constantly absorbing everything and that was that 102 00:09:22.180 --> 00:09:27.500 felt like pain. So I would bring pain into myself and I would deny myself joy 103 00:09:27.500 --> 00:09:36.700 and I thought that this is what God delighted in. So anyway that is how I 104 00:09:36.740 --> 00:09:45.380 chose to learn to serve the Lord and sorry let me think of the next thing to 105 00:09:45.380 --> 00:09:53.540 tell in the story. I then because I believed that God required pain in order 106 00:09:53.540 --> 00:09:59.100 to spiritually mature, yes exactly Steph, we're often taught to deny ourselves so 107 00:09:59.100 --> 00:10:01.740 that we'll grow through. 108 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:05.840 grow through trials and it's very, it's a very formulaic and it is very 109 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:11.200 self-condemning and it is not the way that God, it's not the way that God 110 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:15.720 operates at all. It's a very, very twisted way of seeing it. It's according to the 111 00:10:15.720 --> 00:10:18.600 knowledge of the tree of good and evil, which I'll talk about, which I was 112 00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:22.120 planning to talk about tonight, but I just felt in my spirit that this was 113 00:10:22.120 --> 00:10:26.800 more important to address really quick. So I'll probably talk about that 114 00:10:26.800 --> 00:10:31.920 tomorrow. How all of this developed and why we, why we've developed a culture and 115 00:10:31.920 --> 00:10:37.560 a mindset of this that we have passed down, down the line for thousands of 116 00:10:37.560 --> 00:10:44.800 years, thousands of years. So I again became very bitter, very resentful to the 117 00:10:44.800 --> 00:10:51.320 Lord because I believe that he required, re-required pain in order to teach me 118 00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:57.280 something and then I felt abandoned in it because obviously I just, I didn't 119 00:10:57.280 --> 00:11:01.000 feel the Lord. I didn't feel his love. Some times I didn't even feel his 120 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:06.320 presence. There was one time when I was right out of college, I was teaching and 121 00:11:06.320 --> 00:11:09.400 I out told the Lord. I said, Lord, I am going through so much and I have been 122 00:11:09.400 --> 00:11:13.640 going through so much. I didn't know I was in the middle of depression, PTSD and 123 00:11:13.640 --> 00:11:17.360 all of that. All I knew is that I just felt horrible and I just felt low, felt 124 00:11:17.360 --> 00:11:22.000 like a worm, you know, and I was just wondering, Lord, where are you? So I 125 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:25.120 told the Lord, I said, Lord, you can take me through whatever you want, want me to 126 00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:30.600 go through, but do, but always let me know your presence. Always let me feel your 127 00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:34.160 presence. Always let me know that you haven't abandoned me. You hear the word? 128 00:11:34.160 --> 00:11:41.040 That was my greatest fear is abandonment and so he did. He presented himself to me 129 00:11:41.040 --> 00:11:44.660 so I could see him. So sometimes I would look up and desire to see him and I could 130 00:11:44.660 --> 00:11:48.420 see him there, you know, in my spiritual eye, I could see him standing there 131 00:11:48.420 --> 00:11:54.060 and he had no expression on his face. It's referred to, there's an experiment 132 00:11:54.060 --> 00:11:58.100 actually called the still-faced experiment, which I will probably 133 00:11:58.100 --> 00:12:05.300 attach a link in here to. The Lord appeared to me like that back in 134 00:12:05.300 --> 00:12:11.060 either fall of 2006 or spring of 2007, one of those. It appeared to me like that 135 00:12:11.100 --> 00:12:16.780 and it was just deadpan. So I would cry out to him. I would just talk to him and it 136 00:12:16.780 --> 00:12:22.540 was like, it was like talking to a wall. He didn't respond. So I felt like my 137 00:12:22.540 --> 00:12:27.460 parent, the Lord, was there while I was being abused because that's what it felt 138 00:12:27.460 --> 00:12:31.700 like in my world. It just felt like I was just, I was just, you know, running into 139 00:12:31.700 --> 00:12:36.460 one battle right after another and he wasn't looking on me kindly and he 140 00:12:36.500 --> 00:12:41.220 wasn't looking on me in anger either. He was, it was nothing. You know that 141 00:12:41.220 --> 00:12:47.060 children desire, you know that children desire attention so badly that they'll 142 00:12:47.060 --> 00:12:51.940 even take the negative attention, but what they cannot handle is no attention. 143 00:12:51.940 --> 00:12:57.260 They can't handle no interaction and that's not because 144 00:12:57.260 --> 00:13:00.540 they're children, it's because they're human beings. That is the way that we are 145 00:13:00.540 --> 00:13:04.420 created. So that is how the Lord appeared to me because I told him, hey Lord, you 146 00:13:04.420 --> 00:13:08.460 can do whatever you want, you can take me through whatever pain, just don't 147 00:13:08.460 --> 00:13:13.700 leave me. Well, he didn't leave me, but I actually discovered what I believe might 148 00:13:13.700 --> 00:13:18.540 be worse and that is the fact that, I'm sorry I keep getting all these messages, I 149 00:13:18.540 --> 00:13:25.140 have to swipe them out of the way, and that is the fact that if a parent 150 00:13:25.140 --> 00:13:30.900 or God or whatever is there and they're not responding, they're not 151 00:13:30.940 --> 00:13:34.900 responding to you or that's what it feels like. As opposed to them not being 152 00:13:34.900 --> 00:13:39.460 there and you're thinking, where were you? You've abandoned me in it. This is them 153 00:13:39.460 --> 00:13:43.900 there and not, and while you're being abused, while it feels like you're being 154 00:13:43.900 --> 00:13:47.500 abused, while you're going through all this pain and all this heartache and 155 00:13:47.500 --> 00:13:51.260 they're not responding. They're not responding favorably and they're not 156 00:13:51.260 --> 00:13:58.620 responding negatively. They're not interacting at all. No response, no, not 157 00:13:58.620 --> 00:14:02.620 nothing. Nothing to your pain, nothing to your crying out, no answers 158 00:14:02.620 --> 00:14:10.860 to questions, nothing and it is torment. It is absolute torment. So, I was very 159 00:14:10.860 --> 00:14:16.620 resentful that he had taken me through 20, at the time I don't remember how 160 00:14:16.620 --> 00:14:21.100 many been, I don't know if it may have been about 10 years at the time, so I 161 00:14:21.100 --> 00:14:27.380 didn't know it was only halfway through. I've gone through 20 years by now, but at the time it was only 162 00:14:27.540 --> 00:14:32.620 halfway through and I did not realize and so what was going on is the same 163 00:14:32.620 --> 00:14:36.860 thing that I kept dealing with and that was just this resentment that, Lord, you 164 00:14:36.860 --> 00:14:43.460 would require pain in order to teach me how to be more like you and then you'd 165 00:14:43.460 --> 00:14:49.820 abandon me in it to figure out how on earth to make you happy and then after 166 00:14:49.820 --> 00:14:55.740 all of the hurt and all of the pain, I now need to heal and now you won't heal 167 00:14:55.740 --> 00:15:01.820 me, you won't allow me to heal, you won't give me good gifts. 168 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.440 and I am believing and I am enduring and I have faith and I'm even applying words 169 00:15:05.440 --> 00:15:12.480 to the faith dadgummit and you're not there you're not responding to me and 170 00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:19.360 that that's miserable because that he would require pain to teach to teach me 171 00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:23.560 and then he would abandon me in it because again still face not responding 172 00:15:23.560 --> 00:15:28.480 at all and then after all of that after all of that torture all of that hurt all 173 00:15:28.480 --> 00:15:34.000 of that buffeting all of that beating now I need to be healed and now he won't 174 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:39.480 let me heal now I can't no matter no matter what I ask of him no matter how I 175 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:46.720 how I seek him I I'm not going through the torture anymore but Lord now I can't 176 00:15:46.720 --> 00:15:51.680 heal from what I've been through you won't let me heal either and so just 177 00:15:51.680 --> 00:15:57.160 again terrible bitterness and resentment so I've also felt like I was being 178 00:15:57.160 --> 00:16:02.400 punished for not knowing some secret spiritual principle that was out there 179 00:16:02.400 --> 00:16:09.480 that somebody else knew and that and they knew how we were supposed to be 180 00:16:09.480 --> 00:16:14.920 healed they knew how we were what it is that God wanted and what it is that God 181 00:16:14.920 --> 00:16:21.000 required in order to allow me to be healed again I did understand see I knew 182 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.200 all the right words to say I knew that oh well I know it's not God I know I 183 00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:30.480 know that it's me I knew all of the right things to say but when you're in 184 00:16:30.480 --> 00:16:36.800 it what ends up happening is that we do hold resentment against the Lord that we 185 00:16:36.800 --> 00:16:40.680 honestly look at ourselves and we're beating ourselves up for it I'm sorry 186 00:16:40.680 --> 00:16:44.560 Lord I must be bad I must be bad and it's bad I don't know why I can't figure 187 00:16:44.560 --> 00:16:49.400 this out I'm so sorry Lord please have patience for me but underneath what's 188 00:16:49.400 --> 00:16:56.440 really going on my battery's dying all kinds of things here batteries dying on 189 00:16:56.440 --> 00:17:04.079 my phone I gotta keep it plugged in there we go and lost my train of thought 190 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:09.839 there but anyway that that there is that there's this secret principle out there 191 00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:14.599 that I couldn't I couldn't get a hold of and so what we end up doing is oh this 192 00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:23.000 is where I left off this is I began to hold God to hold him accountable for 193 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:26.280 what had happened to me hold God accountable for what I'd been through 194 00:17:26.280 --> 00:17:33.160 and I finally allowed myself to admit it because I went so long trying to take on 195 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:40.320 the burden that finally the resentment built up that I had deep down against 196 00:17:40.320 --> 00:17:45.160 the Lord the entire time built up so much because everything that we deal 197 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:51.680 with literally everything everything is actually an accusation against God's 198 00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:58.120 character period everything so it means that there's something that we're not 199 00:17:58.120 --> 00:18:00.440 believing about him there's something that we're not believing about his 200 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:05.040 goodness etc we try to tell ourselves no I know I know that God's nothing but good 201 00:18:05.040 --> 00:18:10.560 I know that he's whatever if we are hurt there is some element in which we 202 00:18:10.560 --> 00:18:17.880 are actually accusing God's character so eventually God allowed the issues that I 203 00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:24.360 was dealing with to go on long enough and become bad enough where I couldn't 204 00:18:24.360 --> 00:18:29.600 ignore the fact that I was mad at God that I could say all the right churchy 205 00:18:29.600 --> 00:18:33.200 things that oh it's not God it's me and I know that because he's the only love 206 00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:37.640 and God of course would be good and I'm a worm and I could say all the right 207 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.320 things all of the right things you know that the church teaches us to say that 208 00:18:41.320 --> 00:18:47.000 church culture and in our own minds tell us to say but deep down I finally came 209 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:51.840 to realize it grew so much that it couldn't be ignored and I realized I am 210 00:18:51.840 --> 00:18:58.720 so mad at God and and it was it was more than the fact that I was holding him to 211 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:03.160 account for it holding him accountable for what it is that he that I felt 212 00:19:03.160 --> 00:19:11.200 that he had done to me I was calling him forth in front of me as the judge to 213 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:18.280 and calling him to account for why he had done what he'd done and why he had 214 00:19:18.280 --> 00:19:23.560 allowed what he'd allowed I mean that's that's extreme so not only was I holding 215 00:19:23.560 --> 00:19:29.640 him accountable I was calling him forth to account understand this is somebody 216 00:19:29.720 --> 00:19:35.400 who always you know would just condemn myself to the nth degree before blaming 217 00:19:35.400 --> 00:19:41.560 another person let alone God and I finally got to the point where where I 218 00:19:41.560 --> 00:19:47.880 realized I'm holding I'm calling him forth and I'm wanting him to to explain 219 00:19:47.880 --> 00:19:51.680 to me and to have a reason why he'd taken me through what he'd taken me 220 00:19:51.680 --> 00:19:58.320 through so that's what it is that God had to that that's how bad things were I 221 00:19:58.320 --> 00:20:01.960 I had a I was 222 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:08.720 dealing with this sense of entitlement, that I was owed something by God. So, that 223 00:20:08.720 --> 00:20:14.680 was my experience. That was, you know, very high level because I 224 00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:17.480 didn't go into all the details of why and what had happened and all the wounds 225 00:20:17.480 --> 00:20:20.560 and whatever, but ultimately, what I explained, that's the root of 226 00:20:20.560 --> 00:20:25.880 everything as I was really, really upset at the Lord for what he'd done. I mean, 227 00:20:25.880 --> 00:20:28.720 what I thought that he'd done, what I thought that he'd allowed and that I 228 00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:32.920 thought, this is how we're told by the church that to expect and what I 229 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:40.160 thought the Bible to expect about the Christian life. I thought, this 230 00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:44.960 is miserable. The non-Christians are so much more happy than I am and even the 231 00:20:44.960 --> 00:20:48.480 Christians who aren't following the Lord or think that it's okay to just kind of 232 00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:54.480 go through life, laissez-faire, are much more happy than I am. Yet, they're 233 00:20:54.480 --> 00:20:57.640 getting all of the good gifts that I've been asking, that I've been wanting 234 00:20:57.640 --> 00:21:04.280 from the Lord, all of the dreams that I had dreamed, etc. They're the ones 235 00:21:04.280 --> 00:21:07.920 that are getting them and they're the ones who are doing all kinds of things 236 00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:11.440 that I'm not doing. Lord, they're sleeping around and they're lying and 237 00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:14.120 they're taking drugs and you're redeeming them and you're whatever and 238 00:21:14.120 --> 00:21:18.960 you're providing with all of these gifts and overabundance of blessings, etc. 239 00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:23.720 I'm trying to be spiritually mature through absorbing as much pain as 240 00:21:23.720 --> 00:21:29.080 possible and you won't give me even a tiny little thing or the little bitty 241 00:21:29.080 --> 00:21:33.320 things that you'll give me. I felt burdened by that. Well, I should just be 242 00:21:33.320 --> 00:21:37.120 grateful. I should be grateful for what I have. I shouldn't want any more. It was 243 00:21:37.120 --> 00:21:43.840 just terribly, terribly self-condemning. So finally, it got so bad and this is what 244 00:21:43.840 --> 00:21:47.440 it is. So that's my story. That's my 245 00:21:47.440 --> 00:21:52.440 personal background on it. So y'all can see if there's anything in the story 246 00:21:52.440 --> 00:22:01.520 that you feel that you can resonate with and relate to. But finally, it got to 247 00:22:01.520 --> 00:22:08.000 the point where I told the Lord, okay Lord, you haven't healed me yet and I've 248 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:12.240 been going through so much pain and desiring and desirous of so much 249 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:18.000 healing for 20 years. I have waited for you like you've told me to. I've had 250 00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:22.840 faith like you've told me to. I believed like you've told me to and yet I haven't 251 00:22:22.840 --> 00:22:27.760 received anything. And the other people who aren't doing those things are 252 00:22:27.760 --> 00:22:33.440 receiving them. So Lord, I don't know what to do. So what I began to 253 00:22:33.440 --> 00:22:38.840 understand and began to be exposed to is the ideas, just the ideas mind you, just 254 00:22:38.840 --> 00:22:43.600 the thoughts, just the ideas from messages or whatever, that God was 255 00:22:43.640 --> 00:22:53.320 love. That God was a love that I didn't know existed. And so what I decided to do 256 00:22:53.320 --> 00:22:59.240 is that everything that I had done up to this point had gotten me to this point 257 00:22:59.240 --> 00:23:06.520 and therefore I couldn't continue to use it and expect it to now work. So I knew 258 00:23:06.560 --> 00:23:14.640 that I had to abandon my lifestyle, my way of making decisions, my approach to 259 00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:19.080 the Lord. I had to abandon all of it. We're not talking about, oh let's get rid 260 00:23:19.080 --> 00:23:22.040 of a little bit. No, I had been doing that here and there trying to replace 261 00:23:22.040 --> 00:23:25.120 different doctrines or theologies or beliefs about the Lord here and there 262 00:23:25.120 --> 00:23:31.200 piecemeal. Finally got to the point and like, you know, this is for 263 00:23:31.200 --> 00:23:38.240 the birds. This doesn't work. I'm going to scrap everything. And so I 264 00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:43.040 thought, how do I make decisions? How do I make decisions based off whatever it is? 265 00:23:43.040 --> 00:23:48.120 I ask the Lord first and if I don't get an answer, then whatever it 266 00:23:48.120 --> 00:23:50.840 is I don't want to do, that's what I do. Whenever I do want to do, that's what I 267 00:23:50.840 --> 00:23:54.560 don't do and that's how I make decisions. So I thought, okay, I can't make decisions 268 00:23:54.560 --> 00:23:58.200 like that anymore. So what's the opposite? The opposite is, what is it 269 00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:03.320 that I want to do? I started doing that and then I just asked the Lord to bless 270 00:24:03.320 --> 00:24:08.320 it. Lord, here I go. I asked you to bless it. I understand it was very, very 271 00:24:08.320 --> 00:24:13.800 extreme because I just I had to jump completely out of this pool, two feet 272 00:24:13.800 --> 00:24:20.360 into this pool. And yes, it's not small because it felt like I was 273 00:24:20.360 --> 00:24:25.600 putting my entire life in all different areas of my life at risk because all of 274 00:24:25.600 --> 00:24:29.840 a sudden, the God that I knew who was so judgmental could suddenly 275 00:24:29.840 --> 00:24:38.160 pour down the wrath that I had tried so hard for 20-plus years and because I 276 00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:41.520 wasn't going all the way back to my childhood. I was starting at somewhere 277 00:24:41.520 --> 00:24:46.240 like, I don't know, 11 or 12 or whenever all of this this difficulty started. For 278 00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:50.360 all of this time, I've been trying to keep his wrath and his displeasure at 279 00:24:50.360 --> 00:24:55.360 bay, but yet I hadn't received any of his love. That's what it felt like. So I was 280 00:24:55.360 --> 00:25:00.840 like, forget it. I'm at the point where I'm willing to risk everything. 281 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.560 So what the Lord finally ended up showing me was, 282 00:25:03.560 --> 00:25:05.480 he said, Ashley, abandon everything 283 00:25:05.480 --> 00:25:07.560 and just know you're loved. 284 00:25:07.560 --> 00:25:10.860 Stop trying, stop being willing, 285 00:25:11.880 --> 00:25:14.020 and stop believing. 286 00:25:15.020 --> 00:25:18.040 Just live like it's true. 287 00:25:18.940 --> 00:25:21.100 I say that I am this loving, 288 00:25:21.100 --> 00:25:24.020 so I want you to believe that I'm that loving. 289 00:25:24.020 --> 00:25:25.820 And I want you to just step into it. 290 00:25:26.700 --> 00:25:29.100 You don't even have to, you know, 291 00:25:29.100 --> 00:25:32.700 you don't have to even be willing anymore to, 292 00:25:32.700 --> 00:25:35.060 and be holding on to some kind of a faith 293 00:25:35.060 --> 00:25:36.860 and kind of keeping things together 294 00:25:36.860 --> 00:25:39.260 that I'm eventually gonna come through for you. 295 00:25:39.260 --> 00:25:41.340 It's like, mm-mm, just act like it. 296 00:25:41.340 --> 00:25:43.460 You don't even have to try to believe it anymore 297 00:25:43.460 --> 00:25:46.540 because I had too much effort and striving, 298 00:25:46.540 --> 00:25:48.940 which is the problem, I wasn't in rest. 299 00:25:48.940 --> 00:25:53.940 I had too much effort and striving in my willingness, 300 00:25:54.940 --> 00:25:59.540 in my faith, in my belief, in my endurance. 301 00:25:59.540 --> 00:26:01.380 It was all white-knuckling everything. 302 00:26:01.380 --> 00:26:04.300 Lord, I'm willing, I'm willing, I'm willing. 303 00:26:04.300 --> 00:26:06.740 I believe, I believe, I have faith, I have faith. 304 00:26:06.740 --> 00:26:09.820 Everything was, there was so much strife 305 00:26:09.820 --> 00:26:13.160 in all of those things, and that's a problem. 306 00:26:14.620 --> 00:26:16.860 I thought that I was obeying God. 307 00:26:16.860 --> 00:26:18.180 I was being willing. 308 00:26:18.180 --> 00:26:19.180 I was believing. 309 00:26:19.180 --> 00:26:21.740 You hear all of the godly words? 310 00:26:21.740 --> 00:26:23.660 I was trusting. 311 00:26:23.780 --> 00:26:26.580 But the problem was how I was approaching them. 312 00:26:26.580 --> 00:26:30.980 I was still approaching them out of too much work, 313 00:26:30.980 --> 00:26:32.660 trying to hold my confession 314 00:26:32.660 --> 00:26:34.420 and trying to keep it all together. 315 00:26:34.420 --> 00:26:39.060 And that was the barrier to my healing. 316 00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:43.860 It was what was underlying and driving the willingness, 317 00:26:43.860 --> 00:26:48.860 the trying, the belief, whatever other godly terms, 318 00:26:49.660 --> 00:26:52.780 and the endurance, the patience, whatever it was, 319 00:26:52.780 --> 00:26:55.420 I was drumming it up out of my own soul 320 00:26:55.420 --> 00:26:57.060 instead of receiving it from the Lord 321 00:26:57.060 --> 00:26:58.820 effortlessly like a son of God. 322 00:26:58.820 --> 00:27:00.220 Remember what we talked about last night 323 00:27:00.220 --> 00:27:03.620 where things are supposed to just come to us 324 00:27:03.620 --> 00:27:04.900 naturally as a son of God 325 00:27:04.900 --> 00:27:07.280 as opposed to us drumming them up out of ourselves. 326 00:27:07.280 --> 00:27:09.260 Well, I was trying to drum it up out of myself, 327 00:27:09.260 --> 00:27:12.820 trying to give, work myself up 328 00:27:12.820 --> 00:27:14.220 in order to give something to God, 329 00:27:14.220 --> 00:27:17.620 in order to reach something, reach him part way 330 00:27:17.620 --> 00:27:18.900 where I could just kind of like 331 00:27:18.900 --> 00:27:21.060 scrape out some kind of a blessing. 332 00:27:21.060 --> 00:27:23.300 So he told me, Ashley, abandon everything. 333 00:27:23.300 --> 00:27:24.860 He said, you don't know how to be willing 334 00:27:24.860 --> 00:27:26.740 without working for it. 335 00:27:26.740 --> 00:27:29.260 You don't know how to have faith without working for it. 336 00:27:29.260 --> 00:27:31.740 You don't know how to believe me without working for it. 337 00:27:31.740 --> 00:27:36.260 You don't know how to have hope without working for it. 338 00:27:36.260 --> 00:27:38.580 And again, I'm not talking about like even a doing, 339 00:27:38.580 --> 00:27:43.580 I'm talking about an internal, an internal striving. 340 00:27:43.700 --> 00:27:46.500 Lord, I'm hoping, I'm hoping, I'm hoping 341 00:27:46.500 --> 00:27:49.420 if there's a tenseness in there, 342 00:27:49.420 --> 00:27:52.180 in the willingness, in the trying, in the hope, 343 00:27:52.180 --> 00:27:55.620 in the belief, it is striving. 344 00:27:55.620 --> 00:28:00.620 And that is what is hindering the healing from coming. 345 00:28:00.860 --> 00:28:04.100 So I abandon all those godly terms, 346 00:28:04.100 --> 00:28:05.920 all those godly actions, 347 00:28:05.920 --> 00:28:08.980 all those godly perspectives of God. 348 00:28:08.980 --> 00:28:10.820 Lord, I'm willing, I'm believing in whatever. 349 00:28:10.820 --> 00:28:11.900 Abandon all of them. 350 00:28:11.900 --> 00:28:14.900 Because he said, Ashley, you can't do it without striving. 351 00:28:14.900 --> 00:28:17.780 He said, you, like, if we follow the Lord, 352 00:28:17.780 --> 00:28:18.660 we absolutely can. 353 00:28:18.660 --> 00:28:20.660 But he said, Ashley, you don't know how to do it 354 00:28:20.660 --> 00:28:24.300 without striving, so stop doing it altogether. 355 00:28:24.300 --> 00:28:27.100 So it's like, okay, Lord, you say that you're this good, 356 00:28:28.180 --> 00:28:31.340 so I'm going to declare that you're as good 357 00:28:31.340 --> 00:28:34.680 as you said that you are, and I have this problem. 358 00:28:34.680 --> 00:28:35.880 I desire to be healed. 359 00:28:35.880 --> 00:28:40.420 I am so hurt because it feels like you did things to me, 360 00:28:40.420 --> 00:28:43.460 that you hurt me, that you broke my bones, 361 00:28:43.460 --> 00:28:46.820 that you whipped me, that you abandoned me, 362 00:28:46.820 --> 00:28:49.860 that you whatevered to me, and I am so hurt, 363 00:28:49.860 --> 00:28:51.620 and I don't know how to reconcile it. 364 00:28:51.620 --> 00:28:53.660 I don't know how to fix it. 365 00:28:53.660 --> 00:28:56.460 So I'm just gonna give it up. 366 00:28:57.580 --> 00:28:59.980 I'm going to give it to you, 367 00:28:59.980 --> 00:29:01.940 and I'm going to ask you to heal it. 368 00:29:01.940 --> 00:29:02.780 Okay, you got it? 369 00:29:02.780 --> 00:29:03.720 Okay, good. 370 00:29:03.720 --> 00:29:04.620 I'm gonna go play. 371 00:29:05.980 --> 00:29:08.780 Like a child to a parent, the parent is the one 372 00:29:08.780 --> 00:29:11.020 who's going to take care of it for us. 373 00:29:11.020 --> 00:29:15.540 We can just be the child, entrust it to our parent, 374 00:29:15.540 --> 00:29:16.860 and say, okay, you got it? 375 00:29:16.860 --> 00:29:19.940 Okay, I'm gonna go play, and go play, 376 00:29:19.940 --> 00:29:21.780 because you haven't been allowing yourself to play. 377 00:29:21.780 --> 00:29:25.540 You haven't been allowing yourself to just be, 378 00:29:25.540 --> 00:29:29.140 because there's always too much that you had to do 379 00:29:29.140 --> 00:29:33.820 in order to dutifully please your parent. 380 00:29:34.940 --> 00:29:37.300 They're the parent, that's what they're there for. 381 00:29:37.300 --> 00:29:39.620 So what I decided is, this is what I'm talking about 382 00:29:39.620 --> 00:29:41.660 when I say I risked everything. 383 00:29:41.660 --> 00:29:43.460 I didn't have anybody to walk me through this. 384 00:29:43.460 --> 00:29:46.020 I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing, 385 00:29:46.020 --> 00:29:47.500 but this is what I'm gonna do. 386 00:29:47.500 --> 00:29:50.460 And after 20 some odd years, 387 00:29:50.460 --> 00:29:54.880 I finally started to heal. 388 00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:58.900 That is major, major. 389 00:29:58.900 --> 00:30:00.180 After 20 some odd years. 390 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.480 of trying and doing all of the godly things and obeying like a good servant 391 00:30:04.480 --> 00:30:10.240 and not doing what I wanted to do and only you know yeah and then doing what I 392 00:30:10.240 --> 00:30:16.560 didn't want to do and all of that it didn't work. So I finally gave it all up 393 00:30:16.560 --> 00:30:20.160 my God you said you'll take care of it I'm gonna give it to you and I'm gonna 394 00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:24.560 trust that you're gonna take care of it 100% and I believe that I can just go 395 00:30:24.560 --> 00:30:27.840 play while you take care of it you're the parent you're gonna you're gonna be 396 00:30:27.840 --> 00:30:30.160 the one to worry about it you're gonna be the one to take care of it you're 397 00:30:30.160 --> 00:30:35.760 gonna be the one to figure it all out I'm gonna go play and I'm gonna expect 398 00:30:35.760 --> 00:30:40.680 to receive healing by osmosis because you're over there healing it I don't 399 00:30:40.680 --> 00:30:45.520 even know all the damage that's been done to me I don't even really know what 400 00:30:45.520 --> 00:30:51.760 all that I am need healing from if I if I went to a psychologist and started 401 00:30:51.760 --> 00:30:55.560 explaining things to me they probably tell me things like well you've got a 402 00:30:55.560 --> 00:30:58.760 mother wound and according to all of your symptoms you've got a father wound 403 00:30:58.760 --> 00:31:02.400 and according to all of these symptoms you you're you deal with perfectionism 404 00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:07.040 and according to all of these these these symptoms you deal with emotional 405 00:31:07.040 --> 00:31:10.360 abandonment and so we're going to be working on these things so say these 406 00:31:10.360 --> 00:31:15.160 affirmations after me and you do this and you do that and whatever you don't 407 00:31:15.160 --> 00:31:18.720 even have to know any of that you don't have to I discovered that I did not have 408 00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:25.160 to research the ins and outs of what was wrong with me and the damage that had 409 00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:30.480 been done to me and the lies that I was believing I did not have to do that in 410 00:31:30.480 --> 00:31:36.840 order to be healed God knew what was wrong with me there he did not require 411 00:31:36.840 --> 00:31:46.440 me to have knowledge of evil and damage in order to heal God does not require us 412 00:31:46.440 --> 00:31:56.200 to focus on the negative and on on the evil damage of systems as the as the 413 00:31:56.200 --> 00:32:04.200 path through which we're allowed to be healed no healing is our right as sons 414 00:32:04.200 --> 00:32:09.160 of God and we do not have to go through something negative and focus on 415 00:32:09.160 --> 00:32:14.720 something negative and think about it and try to battle it and do all of these 416 00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:21.200 hard things again going it in order to be healed we do not have to work harder 417 00:32:21.200 --> 00:32:32.120 in order to move into rest we simply stop that is all we have to do so that 418 00:32:32.120 --> 00:32:42.040 is what it is that God walked me through and it was it was major so now I am 419 00:32:42.040 --> 00:32:48.640 healing and I don't even realize that I'm what I'm healing from completely all 420 00:32:48.640 --> 00:32:53.800 I know is I'll get with certain people that I used to be triggered by and I'm 421 00:32:53.800 --> 00:33:02.080 not triggered or I am still triggered a little bit but it's so small wow that's 422 00:33:02.080 --> 00:33:09.240 amazing I don't know how it's I do know how but my point is that I didn't know 423 00:33:09.240 --> 00:33:14.040 what was going on so here's and and I didn't have to think of all and go 424 00:33:14.040 --> 00:33:17.440 through all of the particulars I didn't have to go through my generational line 425 00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:25.800 and and and repent of things that other people had done in my generational line 426 00:33:25.800 --> 00:33:29.200 I didn't have to repent of all the things that I had done I didn't have to 427 00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:33.880 I didn't have to know any of it I didn't have to it did not have to rise from my 428 00:33:33.880 --> 00:33:38.480 subconscious into my conscious in order for me to deal with it to repent it to 429 00:33:38.480 --> 00:33:42.080 take it before the repent of it to take it before the Lord and all of that all 430 00:33:42.080 --> 00:33:46.320 of that inner healing stuff by the way in the churches all of that is very real 431 00:33:46.320 --> 00:33:50.320 that's why I'm that's why I'm talking about this message tonight is because 432 00:33:50.320 --> 00:33:55.160 all of that other stuff is very real and I did it for so long but there's no end 433 00:33:55.160 --> 00:34:01.320 of learning in it there is always something more to learn and it's 434 00:34:01.320 --> 00:34:06.840 exhausting and somebody else has some new perspective by which that you can 435 00:34:06.840 --> 00:34:09.760 view it you can go through this tool and you can go through these 436 00:34:09.760 --> 00:34:12.800 affirmations and you can go through and we're talking about Christian stuff 437 00:34:12.800 --> 00:34:16.560 we're not talking about New Age stuff you know you just you find your Bible 438 00:34:16.560 --> 00:34:20.400 verses and you cling to them and you and you do this the understand those are 439 00:34:20.400 --> 00:34:28.440 just tools and they work but they're not required for healing period and and I'm 440 00:34:28.440 --> 00:34:31.719 just talking about healing for instance there there's other things that we could 441 00:34:31.719 --> 00:34:35.920 talk about related to what your container might be holding you know out 442 00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:41.639 of fear that you just need to let go of you can actually let go of things out of 443 00:34:41.639 --> 00:34:45.440 that container and release things without them without you even know and 444 00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:49.560 and then effortlessly receive something from the Lord without you even knowing 445 00:34:49.560 --> 00:34:53.920 you were holding something in that container so how is all that's happening 446 00:34:53.920 --> 00:34:58.400 remember I said I said just a little bit ago I I actually now know how all of 447 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:01.840 this was happening and currently 448 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.540 is still happening as I'm being healed behind the scenes when I'm going to 449 00:35:04.540 --> 00:35:08.300 people and they're not triggering me anymore or when they do trigger me it's 450 00:35:08.300 --> 00:35:12.700 so very small it's shocking because I've always you know inside it's always like 451 00:35:12.700 --> 00:35:16.560 direct havoc in me and now it's just like this tiny little thing and I 452 00:35:16.560 --> 00:35:20.020 realized oh my goodness there's been a change in me what on earth has been 453 00:35:20.020 --> 00:35:23.940 going on I haven't been doing anything different I actually learned what's been 454 00:35:23.940 --> 00:35:32.220 going on and that's the fact it fact of fact and that is the fact that I have 455 00:35:32.220 --> 00:35:37.680 just abandoned myself to God's love I've just believed that he's as loving as 456 00:35:37.680 --> 00:35:42.000 that he's as he says that he is and that's a choice that's not a feeling 457 00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:47.100 that I have I had to choose that he would choose to believe that he was that 458 00:35:47.100 --> 00:35:53.000 loving and that that is the real is reality I had to choose that that is the 459 00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:58.340 reality of the world it's like choosing that unicorns are real it's just it's 460 00:35:58.340 --> 00:36:01.700 you know you can look around you you think there is absolutely no evidence 461 00:36:01.700 --> 00:36:05.860 for this or I can't see evident there really is evidence for it but we just 462 00:36:05.860 --> 00:36:09.820 can't see it we've got these blinders on you know we're blind to it and we're 463 00:36:09.820 --> 00:36:12.940 looking around going you know there's nothing except for the fact that God 464 00:36:12.940 --> 00:36:17.620 says in his word he's that love he's that he's not loving and he's and so I'm 465 00:36:17.620 --> 00:36:21.200 just gonna have to choose that that's my reality and I'm gonna and think well if 466 00:36:21.260 --> 00:36:27.500 I believed that God since I believe that God is that loving what would I do in my 467 00:36:27.500 --> 00:36:31.220 life how would I make this new decision if I believe God is that loving I know 468 00:36:31.220 --> 00:36:35.780 how I would have made that decision if I if I doubted God's love or doubted that 469 00:36:35.780 --> 00:36:39.820 he loved me that much or that he was requiring that thing of me in order to 470 00:36:39.820 --> 00:36:47.060 love me or whatever but if he he loves me as much as he says that he does what 471 00:36:47.060 --> 00:36:50.580 kind of a decision what I make then and it changes the decisions that I make so 472 00:36:50.580 --> 00:36:55.220 by believing that God is as loving as he says that he is I allow that to fill 473 00:36:55.220 --> 00:37:00.220 my life now I that isn't the thing that I have to wake up and live every single 474 00:37:00.220 --> 00:37:05.060 day every single moment is how great is God's goodness and how great is his love 475 00:37:05.060 --> 00:37:10.660 period is in it and then especially for me and that is the lens through which I 476 00:37:10.660 --> 00:37:15.340 make every single decision and the and what I what I filter every single 477 00:37:15.340 --> 00:37:20.740 thought through and by only doing that I'm healing and I don't even know I'm 478 00:37:20.740 --> 00:37:25.740 healing until I get into a situation with a person that used to wound me and 479 00:37:25.740 --> 00:37:29.480 hurt me by the things that they would say and it doesn't hurt anymore I'm 480 00:37:29.480 --> 00:37:32.140 thinking well that's weird because I haven't been thinking about that I 481 00:37:32.140 --> 00:37:36.100 haven't been working on that I haven't been trying to tell myself actually you 482 00:37:36.100 --> 00:37:38.540 know that what they said isn't true actually you know that what they said 483 00:37:38.540 --> 00:37:41.540 about you isn't true actually you know what they say about you it's a trick you 484 00:37:41.540 --> 00:37:45.340 know I'm not having to work on it that's what I used to do I used to have 485 00:37:45.340 --> 00:37:48.340 to work really hard to tell myself yeah but what these things people are saying 486 00:37:48.340 --> 00:37:52.460 or you know isn't true I don't do anymore I don't even focus on them at 487 00:37:52.460 --> 00:37:57.180 all I don't focus on those people I don't focus on my pain I don't focus on 488 00:37:57.180 --> 00:38:01.220 what it is that they told me in the past or be afraid that oh my goodness I'm 489 00:38:01.220 --> 00:38:05.140 about to be in the presence what are on earth are they about to say I don't 490 00:38:05.140 --> 00:38:09.420 think about it at all because my entire world is filled with nothing but 491 00:38:09.420 --> 00:38:13.980 thinking about how much God loves me and how good that he is and make all of 492 00:38:13.980 --> 00:38:18.500 the decisions you know with people that I ran into you know children that I ran 493 00:38:18.500 --> 00:38:23.100 into and friends that I ran into and whether you know doing the dishes or 494 00:38:23.100 --> 00:38:27.460 what am I gonna do now or what should I do for the April intensive or how should 495 00:38:27.460 --> 00:38:32.540 I interact with such-and-such a client everything is filtered through how much 496 00:38:32.540 --> 00:38:40.620 does he love me and how good is he that is healing me I don't have to focus on 497 00:38:40.620 --> 00:38:45.140 those areas in order for his love to fill me up so much that it's pushing out 498 00:38:45.140 --> 00:38:50.540 the negative remember you do not have to focus on the negative and push it out 499 00:38:50.540 --> 00:38:56.260 you only have to focus on the positive and then as you is that will draw you to 500 00:38:56.260 --> 00:39:01.780 it and it and as you're drawn to it and you and you allow it to fill up your 501 00:39:01.780 --> 00:39:05.780 world in a greater and greater and greater measure it pushes out the 502 00:39:05.780 --> 00:39:12.100 negative you don't even have to think about anymore so yes yes that's right 503 00:39:12.100 --> 00:39:19.060 stuff that's right so anyway I hope that this is is helpful I reached actually 504 00:39:19.060 --> 00:39:25.940 had to was explaining this to somebody and just the other day and so it was it 505 00:39:26.060 --> 00:39:33.100 more fresh on my mind because someone asked me a question and and about the 506 00:39:33.100 --> 00:39:37.020 fact that whether they've been waiting and believing and God wouldn't allow 507 00:39:37.020 --> 00:39:43.700 them to be healed no matter how much they'd sacrifice for him and that so 508 00:39:43.700 --> 00:39:50.740 they were constantly seeking a new message from the Lord or new tip or 509 00:39:50.740 --> 00:39:58.340 trick on how to get inner healing you know from Christian people what new tool 510 00:39:58.340 --> 00:40:01.940 they could use thinking 511 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.040 that there was something out there somewhere 512 00:40:02.040 --> 00:40:05.680 that they were missing, that someone else knew, 513 00:40:05.680 --> 00:40:09.120 and they were being punished, is what it felt like, 514 00:40:09.120 --> 00:40:12.560 that you're punished and you have to live with your healing 515 00:40:12.560 --> 00:40:16.740 until you seek enough and search enough and try enough 516 00:40:16.740 --> 00:40:20.040 to find the one person that God has revealed the answer to 517 00:40:20.040 --> 00:40:21.800 that the rest of the world needs to know, 518 00:40:21.800 --> 00:40:24.740 that is absolute hogwash, absolute hogwash. 519 00:40:24.740 --> 00:40:27.700 God is not going to leave you in a place of lack 520 00:40:27.700 --> 00:40:31.280 where you have to have someone else 521 00:40:31.280 --> 00:40:32.760 in order to teach you something. 522 00:40:32.760 --> 00:40:34.500 Oh, well, I'm not gonna reveal that to you, Ashley. 523 00:40:34.500 --> 00:40:36.020 I'm gonna reveal that to them, 524 00:40:36.020 --> 00:40:39.780 and you're just gonna have to seek the internet 525 00:40:39.780 --> 00:40:42.720 and seek churches and make lots of friends, 526 00:40:42.720 --> 00:40:46.160 hoping you'll find the person, like Waldo, 527 00:40:46.160 --> 00:40:48.700 that I have revealed that secret to. 528 00:40:48.700 --> 00:40:50.540 It's this treasure hunt, Ashley. 529 00:40:50.540 --> 00:40:53.420 You know, don't, you know, be excited about it. 530 00:40:53.420 --> 00:40:55.300 God doesn't do that. 531 00:40:55.300 --> 00:40:56.340 He doesn't. 532 00:40:56.380 --> 00:41:00.300 So the thing that I realized that was standing in my way 533 00:41:00.300 --> 00:41:02.180 was I was trying too hard. 534 00:41:04.380 --> 00:41:07.460 So yes, yes, Cheryl, I know, isn't that wild? 535 00:41:07.460 --> 00:41:12.020 So anyway, I hope that this is helpful. 536 00:41:12.020 --> 00:41:13.180 I hope that this is freeing. 537 00:41:13.180 --> 00:41:15.540 If any of you wanted to talk about 538 00:41:15.540 --> 00:41:17.300 some personal or private things, 539 00:41:17.300 --> 00:41:18.280 if any of you have any questions, 540 00:41:18.280 --> 00:41:21.060 just feel free to post them below 541 00:41:21.060 --> 00:41:24.440 or post them on a special Facebook post. 542 00:41:24.800 --> 00:41:26.560 And then if y'all have any private questions 543 00:41:26.560 --> 00:41:29.120 you can ask me, and then if you have, like, 544 00:41:29.120 --> 00:41:32.560 a longer story or a longer explanation 545 00:41:32.560 --> 00:41:34.880 that you felt that you were needing, 546 00:41:34.880 --> 00:41:38.160 feel free to, we can talk about it in our private sessions. 547 00:41:38.160 --> 00:41:40.960 So anyway, hopefully this is helpful. 548 00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:42.520 Good to see y'all, as always. 549 00:41:42.520 --> 00:41:45.160 I'm gonna try to get on, I'm gonna get on tomorrow 550 00:41:45.160 --> 00:41:49.240 and talk about the Tree of Life 551 00:41:49.240 --> 00:41:51.000 versus the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, 552 00:41:51.000 --> 00:41:53.160 and go into it, hopefully, in a bit more depth 553 00:41:53.160 --> 00:41:56.560 than I did in videos where I've either been interviewed 554 00:41:56.560 --> 00:41:59.760 or where I was doing that leadership meeting. 555 00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:01.520 So, because there's a lot of detail 556 00:42:01.520 --> 00:42:03.360 I wasn't able to cover in both of those. 557 00:42:03.360 --> 00:42:06.400 So I hope that y'all have a really good night, 558 00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:07.880 and I will talk to you later. 559 00:42:07.880 --> 00:42:08.720 Bye.