Hi everyone. Greetings from Norway. I thought, I don't know if you can see this, but it's snowing in Norway today.
It's full on snow in the park and in the streets. It's so beautiful. Everything, it's been like lashing down, coming down all day.
And now it's all covered in snow. And yeah, it just makes me happy.
So I want to just show that, that it's snowing here. And yeah, it reminds me that it's Christmas soon.
And yes, this is my journey sharing. And I've had, last week and this week has been really, really tough.
I've been stretched so to the max and actually felt like I was in a bit in a, not in a dark place, but just in a frozen position.
I don't know if you guys know how that feels like. And just for the whole week, like being, I don't know.
You know how we sometimes tend to fight or flight, the fight or flight.
I wasn't fighting or I wasn't fleeing, but I was just frozen, just frozen and just so overwhelmed.
Like I shared, we shared some very deep and personal things with the church and invited them into doing relationship the kingdom way.
But I was using my own life as example and my own brokenness. And it cost me a lot to be open and broken from the stage like that.
And then what felt like an attack coming from one of the brothers in the church in an open chat, it just escalated.
And the pastor got involved and the leaders got involved and it was a huge misunderstanding.
And then this brother, which is a really great guy, great heart said that it was all this big misunderstanding,
but then we didn't understand why he would come at it that way.
So a lot of people got affected and hurt by it because so many people interpreted what he said, including me as criticism.
And I think also the devil wanted to use it to bring this unity.
And also it's so important that you talk about openness and brokenness within the church and healing and relationship.
So it's an area where the devil really doesn't want freedom in the church.
And then also experiencing rejection with friends that just happened and complications in relationships that I've gone through that just totally blew up and hit me in my soft spots.
And also at work where I had a talk with Ashley and said that you need to choose yourself first with having students in the Chinese class being disrespectful and out of control.
And I was wanting to really do it not in an old way with just love and discipline, which has usually worked, which is a good thing.
But kind of just more going to the root of why they're reacting and trying to build them up and see them as God sees them.
But I was just dreading the whole thing and confronting them.
So there was just so many things that hit home last week.
And I actually found myself at a really hard place, like so frozen emotionally.
And also I was like, this is really interesting, I thought, because this is actually why I wanted to do the rest intensive, because I want out of stress.
I want out of living and ending up like this.
And it felt familiar.
It's like this has happened to me many times in my life where I end up either fight or flight or totally frozen.
And what happens is that you kind of become a victim in your own mind and bitterness that you're not aware of is coming up.
Because I was thinking and feeling, why does this always happen to me?
Why do I end up here?
And also the feeling like what has happened before in my life is that I walked in faith and situation like this and ended up God doing huge things in it and through me.
But I was devastated.
So even though I went in faith and God came through and amazing things happened, I would still be in stress or end up in anxiety or depression.
So with that in mind and that an experience, it's felt like almost like God used me in a way.
Because it brought freedom and amazing things in people's lives and in my own life and into the situation.
So it felt like, oh God just wants to use you.
use you for who you are and what you can do and when you're walking in faith so I
would be the one kind of hurting in it or end up feeling that I was used even
though it was amazing godly things that were happening and that feeling just
came back like I thought oh my gosh I can't believe this is probably gonna end
up being great and God's gonna do miracles through this in the church but
it's gonna be on my expense because I'm the one that is speaking up and teaching
and and they're being broken about my life so the same and I was thinking and
that's what hit me last night I was thinking oh my gosh this is a victim
mentality I'm totally being a victim here thinking like oh it's happening to
me again and God's gonna use it and I'll be in pain afterwards and actually
seeing myself as someone that God is using and in a way it's like almost like
it feeling of being yeah used in a negative way and I was just and I don't
know I was thinking maybe Ashley was praying for me or maybe it was like she
was speaking to my spirit I don't know what happened but after a week of being
in this I last night actually saw the victim mentality and like a deeper layer
of bitterness underneath against this brother in the church and against the
the students that I have and something rose up in my spirit or maybe it was my
spirit that rose above the soul and all my feelings and the flesh I don't know
what happened but something rose in me and I was feeling very strongly inside
of me like no I can have rest in this I don't have to live in this I don't have
to have a horrible week it's a very busy week and I this doesn't have to happen
all over again where I end up in a desperate situation where I just have to
survive where I just am being used and things are where I end up being a victim
that this just happens to me and that thing that rose in me kind of overcame
the emotions and I was like I can have rest this is gonna be a great week I am
gonna and I went and I talked to the students and I affirmed them and said
that I believed in them and that I cared and I tried to build them up and at the
same time I set boundaries that I was telling them this is not okay and this
is not healthy and this and this I'm not gonna allow in my class so and also in
the situations in the church I was thinking what if I was totally healed
healed and free and totally loved by God and if that was my identity how would I
respond to my brother and I started to and I decided to act out of that and
seeing him and in that was that I thought what if that was true then I
would trust him I would trust his word that it's a misunderstanding and I would
have lots and lots of grace on him and I would love him and I would reconnect
with him that's what I would do if I was fully healed and free and I am and then
I realized I am even though I don't feel like that I am fully healed and free so
I can affirm him and love him and just believe the best of everything that he
said and also about my students and this other situations and that just brought a
lot of freedom last night and today and yeah so now I feel a lot of freedom and
just thinking maybe going through this because this is like I said a point
that where I've been in several times in my life where you end up being the
victim and things are just happening to you as if it's like you're just laying
there and they're just coming all over you and then I'm like no this time it's
not gonna happen even if it's like in a desperate time in my life I'm gonna
stand in this and I'm gonna believe who God says I am and these people in my
life are and my students and I'm gonna believe what he says about my identity
so today tonight
We just moved in, me and my friend, we bought an apartment, and we moved into an apartment here.
And tonight we just invited all our neighbors in the section, 18 apartments, and we have no idea who's living in most of them.
We just invited them for a party tonight, and we'll see who shows up.
And I don't know, I just feel excited about living from my identity and bringing Christ to them and to everyone else in the church.
And my students.
Yeah, so I just wanted to share that.
Thanks so much for listening.
I don't know, I hope this wasn't too long.
And yeah, so that was a little bit from Norway and from this, yeah, from my hometown with snow.
And hope you all have, you have a great time before Christmas and see you guys later.