Hello, oh man, it's one of those days.
So I just wanted to share a little bit while my hair, anyways, you guys don't care.
Just I don't know if I'm having any like breakthroughs yet, but I do feel like the Lord is, I'm guessing
it's the Lord, like revealing things to me, but it's like I still don't know what to like
do about it.
So I was listening, so I was reading a book, a parenting book by Danny Silk, I think, or
Chris Allerton, one of the two, and he was talking about as Christians, and just by the
way that we possibly have grown up, that we've learned to navigate life with an external
government.
And I was telling my husband one day, you know, I played sports and I grew up in what
I would consider a behavior modification religious environment.
And it's like, I just did what I was told when I was told to do it, and I was good and
I just did it.
And so I'm reading this book, and I'm pretty sure it's Danny, Danny Silk, and he's talking
about how, you know, the Old Covenant, and how in the Old Covenant, like that's what
the Israelites chose, was to be governed by an external government, rules, regulations,
the law, and then, you know, Jesus coming, like, now we have the ability to like have
an internal government.
And then I listened to Session Three by Ashley yesterday, and she, in a way, touches on the
same thing.
And it's just this thing I told my husband is I feel like my whole life, I have just,
you know, I've always kind of been like, oh, I don't want to follow the trend.
I don't, you know, there's always been this thing in me, I'm like, I don't want to be
like everybody else.
And I don't want to follow trends, and I want to cut a new path, and I want to, you know,
be that person.
But then the struggle of being like, but I need to follow mine and follow the rules and
be good.
And, you know, or I won't be accepted, or I won't be loved, or, you know, all these
things.
And so I told myself, like, I've just spent my whole life, like, I don't know how to say
it, but like, giving my body and my mind away to whether it be the church or my parents
or expectations of those around me.
And therefore, it's like, I have a friend that talks a lot about intuition, I feel like
Cary Viler on here, like, just is very intuitive.
And I feel like that's something I don't have a struggle to have, because I've lived my
whole life not listening to my intuition, not listening to that internal government,
because I've been told it's bad, it's, you know, you can't trust your heart, you can't
trust your desires, you can't trust what's internal, you know, like, because you're a
sinner, and you're gonna make bad decisions, you know, all this stuff.
And so it's like, I don't trust myself, I don't trust what's in me, and what I feel.
And so then, like, when you start to have things come up that are scary, and, you know,
you're just like, why is this surfacing?
Is this really who I am?
And, you know, all of these things.
So it's like, I'm seeing this.
I'm seeing that this is how it's, I've done it.
And this is what I've been taught.
And this is how I've lived, you know, 40 years of my life.
And so it's just kind of like, you know, again, how you undo all that.
But I think I feel like these are just big things for me to just realize that and learn
to trust, like, those things that I can hear internally, instead of being afraid to, like,
go there, you know, like, because I am.
I am afraid to, like, go there because I've struggled with.
you know, a lot of stuff surfacing. That wasn't very pretty.
And so it's just like, oh gosh, can I even
trust what's internal now?
I even thought about it in athletics.
It's like in athletics you just let somebody else tell us
when our body's had enough and pushing us. And so it's like I did it with sports
and I did it in school and I've done it in relationships.
And so my tendency is to lean hard the other direction.
And what I really want is balance, you know.
To not be like anti-church and
religion and Christians and all of that because we're all this way,
you know. But to
find a good healthy balance in all of it.
Anyway, I know I was just watching Ashley's lives too
that was talking about some of this stuff.
It's just where I'm at and
still it's like these things are unfolding but I don't really know what to do
with them as they unfold.
So, other than just be mad
that this is
how my life's been, you know.
No shame, no condemnation.
So anyway, I look forward to seeing you guys tonight.