WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.360
Hello, oh man, it's one of those days.

2
00:00:09.360 --> 00:00:15.320
So I just wanted to share a little bit while my hair, anyways, you guys don't care.

3
00:00:15.320 --> 00:00:25.720
Just I don't know if I'm having any like breakthroughs yet, but I do feel like the Lord is, I'm guessing

4
00:00:25.720 --> 00:00:34.760
it's the Lord, like revealing things to me, but it's like I still don't know what to like

5
00:00:34.760 --> 00:00:35.960
do about it.

6
00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:49.360
So I was listening, so I was reading a book, a parenting book by Danny Silk, I think, or

7
00:00:49.360 --> 00:00:58.480
Chris Allerton, one of the two, and he was talking about as Christians, and just by the

8
00:00:58.480 --> 00:01:07.320
way that we possibly have grown up, that we've learned to navigate life with an external

9
00:01:07.320 --> 00:01:09.120
government.

10
00:01:09.120 --> 00:01:15.160
And I was telling my husband one day, you know, I played sports and I grew up in what

11
00:01:15.160 --> 00:01:24.080
I would consider a behavior modification religious environment.

12
00:01:24.080 --> 00:01:31.440
And it's like, I just did what I was told when I was told to do it, and I was good and

13
00:01:31.440 --> 00:01:33.600
I just did it.

14
00:01:33.600 --> 00:01:39.160
And so I'm reading this book, and I'm pretty sure it's Danny, Danny Silk, and he's talking

15
00:01:39.160 --> 00:01:46.760
about how, you know, the Old Covenant, and how in the Old Covenant, like that's what

16
00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:55.280
the Israelites chose, was to be governed by an external government, rules, regulations,

17
00:01:55.280 --> 00:02:03.480
the law, and then, you know, Jesus coming, like, now we have the ability to like have

18
00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:06.040
an internal government.

19
00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:10.759
And then I listened to Session Three by Ashley yesterday, and she, in a way, touches on the

20
00:02:10.759 --> 00:02:13.200
same thing.

21
00:02:13.200 --> 00:02:21.360
And it's just this thing I told my husband is I feel like my whole life, I have just,

22
00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:28.120
you know, I've always kind of been like, oh, I don't want to follow the trend.

23
00:02:28.120 --> 00:02:32.720
I don't, you know, there's always been this thing in me, I'm like, I don't want to be

24
00:02:32.720 --> 00:02:34.240
like everybody else.

25
00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:39.280
And I don't want to follow trends, and I want to cut a new path, and I want to, you know,

26
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:40.480
be that person.

27
00:02:40.480 --> 00:02:44.320
But then the struggle of being like, but I need to follow mine and follow the rules and

28
00:02:44.320 --> 00:02:45.320
be good.

29
00:02:45.320 --> 00:02:49.880
And, you know, or I won't be accepted, or I won't be loved, or, you know, all these

30
00:02:49.880 --> 00:02:50.880
things.

31
00:02:50.880 --> 00:02:57.920
And so I told myself, like, I've just spent my whole life, like, I don't know how to say

32
00:02:57.920 --> 00:03:07.360
it, but like, giving my body and my mind away to whether it be the church or my parents

33
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:14.560
or expectations of those around me.

34
00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:21.480
And therefore, it's like, I have a friend that talks a lot about intuition, I feel like

35
00:03:21.480 --> 00:03:27.000
Cary Viler on here, like, just is very intuitive.

36
00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:34.220
And I feel like that's something I don't have a struggle to have, because I've lived my

37
00:03:34.220 --> 00:03:39.000
whole life not listening to my intuition, not listening to that internal government,

38
00:03:39.000 --> 00:03:44.320
because I've been told it's bad, it's, you know, you can't trust your heart, you can't

39
00:03:44.320 --> 00:03:50.760
trust your desires, you can't trust what's internal, you know, like, because you're a

40
00:03:50.760 --> 00:03:55.240
sinner, and you're gonna make bad decisions, you know, all this stuff.

41
00:03:55.240 --> 00:04:01.360
And so it's like, I don't trust myself, I don't trust what's in me, and what I feel.

42
00:04:01.360 --> 00:04:08.480
And so then, like, when you start to have things come up that are scary, and, you know,

43
00:04:08.480 --> 00:04:11.360
you're just like, why is this surfacing?

44
00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:12.360
Is this really who I am?

45
00:04:12.360 --> 00:04:14.160
And, you know, all of these things.

46
00:04:14.160 --> 00:04:18.640
So it's like, I'm seeing this.

47
00:04:18.640 --> 00:04:22.120
I'm seeing that this is how it's, I've done it.

48
00:04:22.120 --> 00:04:24.120
And this is what I've been taught.

49
00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:30.680
And this is how I've lived, you know, 40 years of my life.

50
00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:36.480
And so it's just kind of like, you know, again, how you undo all that.

51
00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:44.880
But I think I feel like these are just big things for me to just realize that and learn

52
00:04:44.960 --> 00:04:53.680
to trust, like, those things that I can hear internally, instead of being afraid to, like,

53
00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:55.680
go there, you know, like, because I am.

54
00:04:55.680 --> 00:05:00.000
I am afraid to, like, go there because I've struggled with.

55
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.560
you know, a lot of stuff surfacing. That wasn't very pretty.

56
00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:08.800
And so it's just like, oh gosh, can I even

57
00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:12.720
trust what's internal now?

58
00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:17.680
I even thought about it in athletics.

59
00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:21.480
It's like in athletics you just let somebody else tell us

60
00:05:21.480 --> 00:05:27.000
when our body's had enough and pushing us. And so it's like I did it with sports

61
00:05:27.000 --> 00:05:29.800
and I did it in school and I've done it in relationships.

62
00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:35.600
And so my tendency is to lean hard the other direction.

63
00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:39.400
And what I really want is balance, you know.

64
00:05:39.400 --> 00:05:44.600
To not be like anti-church and

65
00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:49.800
religion and Christians and all of that because we're all this way,

66
00:05:49.800 --> 00:05:54.600
you know. But to

67
00:05:54.600 --> 00:05:57.600
find a good healthy balance in all of it.

68
00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:03.600
Anyway, I know I was just watching Ashley's lives too

69
00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:06.600
that was talking about some of this stuff.

70
00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:11.600
It's just where I'm at and

71
00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:16.600
still it's like these things are unfolding but I don't really know what to do

72
00:06:16.600 --> 00:06:18.600
with them as they unfold.

73
00:06:18.600 --> 00:06:22.600
So, other than just be mad

74
00:06:22.600 --> 00:06:26.600
that this is

75
00:06:26.600 --> 00:06:30.600
how my life's been, you know.

76
00:06:30.600 --> 00:06:34.600
No shame, no condemnation.

77
00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:39.600
So anyway, I look forward to seeing you guys tonight.