Hello, um, just wanted to share a little bit, where the best place to go is here, I honestly
don't care about the lighting, um, whew, it's been a week, um, I feel like the whole like
it gets worse before it gets better, bang, um, just had, I've had a lot of physical symptoms
that I actually haven't had for a few months, and so that's been kind of discouraging to
me, and um, like not sleeping is a real big trigger, and last night was rough, and um,
sickness, so my son got sick with some stuff, and that's a trigger, and so, um, yeah, just
dealing with panic and anxiety and stuff, and, and so I just, um, the tendency for me
in situations like that, where I'm like, I'm having symptoms, and someone else in my family
is having symptoms, is that I'm like, okay, I gotta figure out the right supplement to
take, or the right homeopathic remedy, or, um, like I just feel like it's all on me,
you know, like, figure this out, you know, and um, and so I really, you know, tried to say to the Lord,
like, I choose you, um, I choose that you're good, and that this is just part of it for now, um,
so I think some of the struggle that I'm seeing is like, oh, because Ashley talks about
resistance, and if you're not in rest, you're in resistance, and um, it's like, just stop
trying, and I guess I just haven't quite figured out, like, how do the Lord and I walk this
thing together, as far as like, and I know some, the others in the group are struggling
with physical stuff, and so it's like, yeah, how do we like walk through the physical symptoms
and like, know what the best route to go is, or do we just do nothing, like, as far as
like, just abandon it all to the Lord, and be like, I'm not taking anything, and you
know, so I feel like I just, it's hard for me to know, like, do I just not take anything,
and like, be like, okay God, I choose you, we'll see what happens, um, cause yeah, I
don't, I don't know, if that's wise, you know what I mean, like, so I don't know, it's just,
there's still this journey with me, where I'm like, I wish I heard the Spirit better,
and was led of the Spirit better, because I feel like that's where I get stuck, is like,
okay, I'm willing to do what I feel like you're leaving me to do, but I don't know what that
is, and so then I just feel like I'm floating, and there's nothing underneath me to like,
stabilize me, you know, and so, I don't like that feeling of, you know, the rug pulled
off from under me, you know, just that feeling of, you know, I don't know, and so I guess
I'm just like, is this the whole, like, it just, it gets worse before it gets better,
this is part of shifting into new measures with him, it's like, you know, if we don't
have anything to overcome, then we don't, essentially like, we can't practice overcoming
if there's nothing to overcome, and so it's just, it's hard, because I'm like, these are
really big things, the physical stuff, and the like, fear that it brings up, is really
big, because a year ago, months ago, I was just in such a bad place.
Mentally emotionally and it's like I just I don't want to go
Back there, you know
It's like I'm at a place where I just want to live life
This abundant life. I want it
Sometimes it feels like really far out of reach, you know
So there were times in the last few days where I'm just like I'm gonna choose you
And I'm not the outcomes not on me. It's on you and
Hope that it's good, you know
Because I think that's the thing for me is it's like if I go all in with you
Well, I just get sicker and sicker and be able to function less and
And if that's your plan for my life, you know
If I go all in will you really like turn things around
Because I don't have like proof yet that he'll turn it around, you know
Getting paid for healing
You
You know, then it doesn't happen it's just like
You know, my tendency is to be like Lord, where are you? Where are you and it's like I know he's here
And
And it's like sometimes I just don't want it to be on me, you know, like I
Don't want it to be on my belief of him. I
just want him to love me enough that like
He'll do it even if I don't believe that he'll do it, you know
That he'll do it just because he's a good dad
He doesn't want to see me like this, you know
Because it's like I don't
want to see my son
sick or suffering
or anything like that
and so I
Think it's a it's a thing for me with the Lord that I'm like
You know
Is this really what you want for me?
So, yeah, obviously I'm still working through some beliefs and things like that
I think there's an aspect where I just want to be like
Just do what you're gonna do
Like
I don't know if I said this but just like the whole like
Wanting to change but is it
Good to just come to a place where it's like I may never change this may never be different
It may always be hard and bad and you know like
And to just like resolve a way to like come to the place of just be like
This is just what it is
I'm sorry, it's gonna not always gonna be this way
but it's like this thing for me of being like if I were to just give in
Instead of like
Wanting change I guess like
I don't know if I'm making sense, but it's like if I just were to be like, I don't know this is
it's just
I'm not in charge of the change and there's nothing that I can do for change
God's gonna have to do it. And so I'm just gonna
Like if I always struggle with anxiety and depression and panic and
I'm just gonna
Like if I always struggle with anxiety and depression and panic and you know all these weird symptoms
I don't function like most human beings do
Am I okay with that essentially?
It is like giving in to that part of, I don't know, part of resting, like not resisting.
So, that's where I am.
Looking forward to tonight. Always enjoy our times together.
So, I just am ready for joy to be the norm in my life.
Instead of like, oh there's some joy.
It came for a little bit, and then it left, you know.
So, I hope everybody else is having a good day.
And look forward to seeing you all tonight.