WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:13.480 Hello, um, just wanted to share a little bit, where the best place to go is here, I honestly 2 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:26.160 don't care about the lighting, um, whew, it's been a week, um, I feel like the whole like 3 00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:34.280 it gets worse before it gets better, bang, um, just had, I've had a lot of physical symptoms 4 00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:40.840 that I actually haven't had for a few months, and so that's been kind of discouraging to 5 00:00:40.840 --> 00:00:49.640 me, and um, like not sleeping is a real big trigger, and last night was rough, and um, 6 00:00:49.640 --> 00:01:02.440 sickness, so my son got sick with some stuff, and that's a trigger, and so, um, yeah, just 7 00:01:02.440 --> 00:01:14.080 dealing with panic and anxiety and stuff, and, and so I just, um, the tendency for me 8 00:01:14.080 --> 00:01:21.840 in situations like that, where I'm like, I'm having symptoms, and someone else in my family 9 00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:27.560 is having symptoms, is that I'm like, okay, I gotta figure out the right supplement to 10 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:35.080 take, or the right homeopathic remedy, or, um, like I just feel like it's all on me, 11 00:01:35.080 --> 00:01:49.520 you know, like, figure this out, you know, and um, and so I really, you know, tried to say to the Lord, 12 00:01:49.520 --> 00:02:00.520 like, I choose you, um, I choose that you're good, and that this is just part of it for now, um, 13 00:02:00.520 --> 00:02:10.960 so I think some of the struggle that I'm seeing is like, oh, because Ashley talks about 14 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:19.400 resistance, and if you're not in rest, you're in resistance, and um, it's like, just stop 15 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:26.840 trying, and I guess I just haven't quite figured out, like, how do the Lord and I walk this 16 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:31.600 thing together, as far as like, and I know some, the others in the group are struggling 17 00:02:31.600 --> 00:02:40.160 with physical stuff, and so it's like, yeah, how do we like walk through the physical symptoms 18 00:02:40.160 --> 00:02:48.600 and like, know what the best route to go is, or do we just do nothing, like, as far as 19 00:02:48.600 --> 00:02:55.280 like, just abandon it all to the Lord, and be like, I'm not taking anything, and you 20 00:02:55.280 --> 00:03:02.040 know, so I feel like I just, it's hard for me to know, like, do I just not take anything, 21 00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:13.440 and like, be like, okay God, I choose you, we'll see what happens, um, cause yeah, I 22 00:03:13.440 --> 00:03:22.760 don't, I don't know, if that's wise, you know what I mean, like, so I don't know, it's just, 23 00:03:22.760 --> 00:03:28.560 there's still this journey with me, where I'm like, I wish I heard the Spirit better, 24 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:38.800 and was led of the Spirit better, because I feel like that's where I get stuck, is like, 25 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:44.320 okay, I'm willing to do what I feel like you're leaving me to do, but I don't know what that 26 00:03:44.320 --> 00:03:53.680 is, and so then I just feel like I'm floating, and there's nothing underneath me to like, 27 00:03:53.680 --> 00:04:08.520 stabilize me, you know, and so, I don't like that feeling of, you know, the rug pulled 28 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:16.880 off from under me, you know, just that feeling of, you know, I don't know, and so I guess 29 00:04:16.880 --> 00:04:20.800 I'm just like, is this the whole, like, it just, it gets worse before it gets better, 30 00:04:20.800 --> 00:04:25.960 this is part of shifting into new measures with him, it's like, you know, if we don't 31 00:04:25.960 --> 00:04:33.120 have anything to overcome, then we don't, essentially like, we can't practice overcoming 32 00:04:33.120 --> 00:04:39.480 if there's nothing to overcome, and so it's just, it's hard, because I'm like, these are 33 00:04:39.480 --> 00:04:51.520 really big things, the physical stuff, and the like, fear that it brings up, is really 34 00:04:51.520 --> 00:04:58.520 big, because a year ago, months ago, I was just in such a bad place. 35 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:04.800 Mentally emotionally and it's like I just I don't want to go 36 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:09.000 Back there, you know 37 00:05:10.760 --> 00:05:14.100 It's like I'm at a place where I just want to live life 38 00:05:15.400 --> 00:05:18.240 This abundant life. I want it 39 00:05:23.080 --> 00:05:27.680 Sometimes it feels like really far out of reach, you know 40 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:35.540 So there were times in the last few days where I'm just like I'm gonna choose you 41 00:05:36.920 --> 00:05:41.840 And I'm not the outcomes not on me. It's on you and 42 00:05:43.880 --> 00:05:45.880 Hope that it's good, you know 43 00:05:45.880 --> 00:06:02.600 Because I think that's the thing for me is it's like if I go all in with you 44 00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:10.280 Well, I just get sicker and sicker and be able to function less and 45 00:06:16.080 --> 00:06:19.520 And if that's your plan for my life, you know 46 00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:26.720 If I go all in will you really like turn things around 47 00:06:29.920 --> 00:06:37.120 Because I don't have like proof yet that he'll turn it around, you know 48 00:06:41.760 --> 00:06:43.760 Getting paid for healing 49 00:06:45.880 --> 00:06:47.880 You 50 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:52.720 You know, then it doesn't happen it's just like 51 00:06:56.760 --> 00:07:01.560 You know, my tendency is to be like Lord, where are you? Where are you and it's like I know he's here 52 00:07:01.560 --> 00:07:03.560 And 53 00:07:10.400 --> 00:07:14.600 And it's like sometimes I just don't want it to be on me, you know, like I 54 00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:17.760 Don't want it to be on my belief of him. I 55 00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:20.880 just want him to love me enough that like 56 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:27.880 He'll do it even if I don't believe that he'll do it, you know 57 00:07:28.040 --> 00:07:30.520 That he'll do it just because he's a good dad 58 00:07:32.200 --> 00:07:34.200 He doesn't want to see me like this, you know 59 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:37.040 Because it's like I don't 60 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:39.040 want to see my son 61 00:07:39.040 --> 00:07:41.040 sick or suffering 62 00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:43.040 or anything like that 63 00:07:43.040 --> 00:07:45.040 and so I 64 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:48.560 Think it's a it's a thing for me with the Lord that I'm like 65 00:07:51.040 --> 00:07:53.040 You know 66 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:55.040 Is this really what you want for me? 67 00:07:55.360 --> 00:07:57.360 Is this really what you want for me? 68 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:05.440 So, yeah, obviously I'm still working through some beliefs and things like that 69 00:08:17.640 --> 00:08:20.240 I think there's an aspect where I just want to be like 70 00:08:21.640 --> 00:08:23.640 Just do what you're gonna do 71 00:08:23.840 --> 00:08:25.840 Like 72 00:08:31.480 --> 00:08:34.559 I don't know if I said this but just like the whole like 73 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:39.200 Wanting to change but is it 74 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:44.840 Good to just come to a place where it's like I may never change this may never be different 75 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:49.560 It may always be hard and bad and you know like 76 00:08:50.400 --> 00:08:54.920 And to just like resolve a way to like come to the place of just be like 77 00:08:55.920 --> 00:08:57.920 This is just what it is 78 00:08:58.560 --> 00:09:00.800 I'm sorry, it's gonna not always gonna be this way 79 00:09:00.800 --> 00:09:05.240 but it's like this thing for me of being like if I were to just give in 80 00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:09.080 Instead of like 81 00:09:11.680 --> 00:09:13.680 Wanting change I guess like 82 00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:19.600 I don't know if I'm making sense, but it's like if I just were to be like, I don't know this is 83 00:09:20.560 --> 00:09:22.560 it's just 84 00:09:22.680 --> 00:09:26.960 I'm not in charge of the change and there's nothing that I can do for change 85 00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:30.680 God's gonna have to do it. And so I'm just gonna 86 00:09:33.040 --> 00:09:36.080 Like if I always struggle with anxiety and depression and panic and 87 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:39.080 I'm just gonna 88 00:09:39.480 --> 00:09:46.800 Like if I always struggle with anxiety and depression and panic and you know all these weird symptoms 89 00:09:50.520 --> 00:09:55.040 I don't function like most human beings do 90 00:09:57.960 --> 00:09:59.960 Am I okay with that essentially? 91 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:14.000 It is like giving in to that part of, I don't know, part of resting, like not resisting. 92 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:20.000 So, that's where I am. 93 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:26.000 Looking forward to tonight. Always enjoy our times together. 94 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:35.000 So, I just am ready for joy to be the norm in my life. 95 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:38.000 Instead of like, oh there's some joy. 96 00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:43.000 It came for a little bit, and then it left, you know. 97 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:48.000 So, I hope everybody else is having a good day. 98 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:53.000 And look forward to seeing you all tonight.