How was your trip? Oh my goodness, it was so good. Oh yeah, it was good to be home
though. It was time to come home, but it was, oh, it was just such an amazing time.
So beautiful out there. I'm so glad. So you stayed with friends of yours? Yeah, we did. Yep. There was a young
couple that has, they have a little girl the same age as Eric. We were in the same
youth group and stuff when I was out there and I lived out there. And so we
stayed there and our kids fought and were terribly bad, but we had a lot of fun.
Yeah, I saw your, I saw your comment and you know, so-and-so, I hope that, I hope
that Eric didn't terrorize Danielle, or that Danielle's recovered or something like that.
Yes, and they were a match for each other. My goodness, they were both, like
they're both extremely stubborn and they just gave it to each other. Me and my
friend were like, oh my goodness, they have met their match. Oh, that's cute. But they had a lot of fun. Eric talked about her. I was very jealous that they were walking around in a nut in their bare feet. I thought, that looked like fun. He had the time of his life, that is for sure.
Yeah, little boy, nothing, nothing a little boy loves more than getting dirty.
Yeah, that's for sure. Hey Steph, how you doing? Hey. You're in the dark. Yeah, I know. I've got my
OTT light. I'll have to make it work. Oh no, that's fine. I just thought, you're, you look like you're in a new place. Are you not? Are you just, are you just, I think I know where you are.
Isn't that your craft office back there? Your craft closet back there? Yep. That's what I thought. So, and that's your new wall. I remember that wall. That's the dangerous hole that's now covered, right? Yeah, yes. No more jumping. The television? Yeah. Okay. So, we're good. No more jumping. You would think with girls there would be no jumping, but no, every child wants to try.
Yes. Carrie hasn't heard that story. We have 10 foot ceilings, and there are, there was a ventilation hole going up into the stairwell, and there is one in the kitchen still. So, one of the girls didn't tell us until years after she did it, she jumped through the window and landed on the couch. We noticed our couch was really broken down for some reason, but we didn't know why.
She said, it kind of hurt, but I didn't want to say anything. I thought I'd get in trouble. Yeah, you probably would have.
So, girls are just as bad as boys.
Yeah, I will say. I was raised with three sisters, so there's four of us girls, and I'm pretty sure we were just as bad as four boys. Oh my goodness. We were extremely rowdy. We had an older brother, and then there was four girls. I declare, we gave mom way more gray hair than our brother ever did.
We were like wild Indians. We lived out in the woods, and we would go in and get all kinds of stuff and go out and build houses and forts, and things would go missing in the house that mom never even knew what happened to them. Like, I'm like looking back, like, oh my goodness, I can't believe some of the things we did.
We had a lot of fun growing up. My goodness. We have a lot of good memories of all the terror we caused our poor mother, but we have a lot of good memories.
Creates a lot of really fun stories later and bonding.
All of that.
Mm hmm.
That's cute.
All of your kids finish on there's their tests and stuff.
Chloe has one more day. She has tomorrow, but we ought to be done by lunchtime. So Dan's mom's bringing pizza for a pizza party.
Oh,
To celebrate. I told Emma, it was for her since she's been a big girl. The letters is recess.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Remind me how old Emma is
Or
For. Okay, okay.
That's cute. Yeah, my one of my needs for
Yes, so for and
14 is Chloe 14 or 15
Yeah.
For G 15 and all this
Yeah, we'll have learned from it all the way down the booster seat.
Yeah.
Well, I've been wondering about how many people are
On the call. I know that Susan, the new lady. She's not able to get on the call because there were some
I don't know. She ran into something unexpected Renee. I don't believe it's gonna be on the call. And then who else
But all of them. Oh, and then I'm assuming Cheryl won't because it's her. It's her anniversary tonight, today, um,
And then I don't think sure Polar is either. So anyway, it might just be the three of us.
We will have fun.
So does anyone have anything that they want to talk about. I mean, sure, to come with a topic this time.
Meanwhile,
I'm very jealous.
Yeah.
No.
Like I have an apple and peanut butter that I had to like scarf down
Still got my people apple over here, which I think it's a honey crisp apple. It's really, really good.
Yeah, those are good.
Yeah, they're not as good as always eating.
I'm almost at the end.
No, I'm like, actually, I saw you holding something. I was like, is that whatever new snow comes
In
Now,
You're, you're done with them experimenting with recipes for the day.
Yeah, yeah. I didn't even do that today, but yes.
What what flavors. Do you have going right now.
Oh yes, you would ask me like I keep it on my brain. Oh, shoot.
I mean, good. We're only going to start with like six or eight flavors and because they're also did I just like interrupt the conversation. I'm sorry.
No, all I was doing was asking people and and you didn't interrupt it. I mean, I was asking you. It's like, hey, we were just talking about the fact that we didn't know if it was just going to be the three of us on the call and then you popped on and we're like, oh, hey, someone knew
Okay, okay.
Okay, good. So, um, yes, I'm glad I jumped on. I have to fold tassels here for balloons and a little bit. So we're doing that, but
Our flavors are
And hold on. I think, oh, my favorite one that we're doing is like a moose coffee. Have you guys heard of this trendy new moose coffee.
Wow, if somebody offers it to you drink it. But what it is, is it's like just flavored milk like a latte.
And then they whip the coffee to like a meringue and then they pour it on top of your coffee and it just slowly or on top of your hot milk or cold milk or whatever. And then it like slowly infiltrates it. It's amazing.
So you wouldn't think it. But one of the things that's really good and shaved ice is cream, which you would never put ice in a glass of milk. So I don't know why it works.
But it really, really does. And so we basically just use like a latte base cold
And then you put this meringue on top. Okay, let me see if I can. I know I have pictures on my phone.
Yeah, it looks like pie like it.
So we're doing that one. And then we have watermelon lemon.
And a bourbon peach pie.
That sounds good.
And a strawberry Bay strawberry basil.
And
Okay, so I'm getting used to like making everything look beautiful. I'm not really that kind of a cook, but here. Okay. Can you see that
Yes. Wow, man. That looks good.
Yeah, I
For that.
Yeah, but the coffee part is like strong, strong, crazy strong and I'm not a coffee person and but I like it.
Yeah, and then we're doing like a cranberry lemonade. No, a cherry lemonade, but it's like, like a black bean cherry and stuff like that. And then everything's, you know, kind of dolloped up and you like make a big deal out of it.
Yeah, so I mean the snow cones. Most of them are going to be like four to 450 a piece.
Um, so
Yeah, it sounds sounds for me. I like it. That's really good. And you said it's organic.
Most everything is organic. Yeah, there's a few things you just can't get or the organic version isn't good, but you can get like a natural version. So it doesn't like we're not doing no dyes no syrups, nothing like that, but
It's as healthy as it can get, but it still is like sugar in a snow cone. No, I'm saying, but your kid will be hyper for like 30 minutes instead of six hours, which is my personal so I found
be a big deal for the moms. Yeah, there you go. Good. Anyway,
thank you for listening. Oh, sure. Yeah. I've been wondering
what are the flavors? She says she's experimenting with
flavors. I want to know what they are. Thank you. How you
doing?
Hey, I'm okay.
Sorry.
Yeah. For those of you who don't know, I am seven weeks
pregnant. So not feeling the greatest these days.
Well, I like your view. It's really sweet of you to jump on
the call in the middle of your car. You make sure you need to
know it's fine. I'm just on my way home from dropping some
stuff off. And yeah.
Yes, good.
Well, did anyone have something that they wanted to talk about
or that they had a question about and I think I'm going to
just
I'm just gonna mute everybody and then you just unmute
yourself if you have a question.
Like I said, I have learned to come with topics, if I need to.
But it's always so much more fun that if someone has a question,
I prefer the you know, then questions first. And then if we
realize, well, people don't have questions, you know, then you
know, you just you can talk about like, since talking about
the food, you know, you can talk about, you know, like, you know,
or just, you know, something that Laura's been talking to you
about how you felt that you've shifted or, or whatever. And
then, and then the last.
Yeah, I just I guess, in our experience, I think a lot of
people don't want to talk about this side of the word as kind of
just like, you know, what's important to you guys. So, what
And then, and then the last, the last option is what I came up
with as, as a filler. Based off of the question, the client
asked me that.
I guess I'll go ahead and start. I'm just gonna jump in
here. Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, am I still Okay, here I am. I'm just
gonna start asking my question, and I have no idea how it's
going to come out. So we're just going to go with it. But I
am wondering about how different seasons affect our walk in in
this, I guess. So for instance, being, you know, extremely
pregnant right now, and trying to think about business, I can't
even go there, like, nothing. I don't even want to go there. And
I was telling Josh, like, when I'm not pregnant, or like, you
know, nursing, like my ability to my ability to process things
and see things for what they are. It's like this wind that
goes way out, you know, and it just it just flows and it
processes everything. And it just blows wherever it wants to.
But then when I'm pregnant, it's like this tornado that just, it
just keeps circling in like this vicious round circle, ready to
rupture. And I don't know what's wrong. Like, I don't know
of anything that's actually going on, except me just being
pregnant. And I keep thinking, oh, well, like, I should work,
but I can't. Like, I just don't, because I just can't even go
there. So I didn't know, like, is it just seasons that you just
drift in and out of seasons, and that's okay. And everything
looks different in seasons? Or is there something impendingly
wrong with where I'm
everything looks different in different seasons. So I'm trying
to think about how to answer how to answer this question. So
what's important, okay, here's, here's, here's basically that
here's the basis of it. So the important thing is to I know
what I'm trying to say, but I haven't liked when I tried to
word this before. So I'm trying to think of a better way to
think of a better way to word it. And, and, and it came to
mind a few, a couple of hours ago about how to work this
better. And basically, what we want to do is we want to focus
on our, we want to focus our lives on in this we're thinking
about on sorry, let me
we want to focus it on abiding in him, and on a knowing that
we're loved by him.
knowing that we're one with him and living out of that place.
And we want that to be our focus and that to be our desire,
not God. I want to,
I want to harness that to do these things in my
life,
because then it's the doing the things in my life that becomes the focus.
And then we're using God in order to accomplish things
easier in front of place of rest. And God's like, no, no, no.
I don't want that to even be your focus. I want your focus to be, Lord,
what I desire out of my life is to live abiding in you.
I live abiding in you. And, and knowing that I'm, and knowing that I'm loved,
it loved being, I'm being loved by you, giving love back to you. You know,
just, just being, I'm abiding in Christ. He's abiding me.
We're abiding in the father. He's abiding, abiding in us.
Therefore I'm always about the father's business.
I'm feeling his spirit flowing through me.
My spirit is intermingling with his spirit and I'm feeling the father's
heart about things as I come into various situations,
as I think about things with business or as I run into somebody at church or as
I make a phone call or when I make my to-do list or when I interact with my
child or whatever. But the point is not what it is that we're doing.
The point and our focus in our desire of what it is that we're,
that we're doing on this journey needs to shift from living life to abiding in
him. And when we focus on that,
then we'll end up living life from that place as opposed to God,
I just want to do all of these things easier than the way I'm doing them.
God's like, no, the point,
I didn't put you on earth to live a life.
You're going to live a life when you're abiding in me, but I,
but that's not the point. So in other words,
if we shift up there,
then we can more easily see that that the seasons change and that,
but we continue to, to abide in rest.
Um, uh, and, and it, and it doesn't,
we don't see it and we don't notice it so much as,
as seasons changing. Um, and Oh, I'm doing okay right now.
I'm not doing okay right now. I was, I was, um, I was doing fine last week,
but I'm struggling this week. Um, I wasn't pregnant, you know,
six months ago, but I'm pregnant now. Um, I'm, it's not,
we don't start seeing,
we don't start attributing how it is that we're interacting in life with a life
event.
The life events can come and go and it's all fine.
And we're interacting with them differently, but we're all doing it.
But because we're focused on just abiding and living in him out of a place of
rest, then life can do whatever it wants to do.
But we don't feel shuffled to and fro and,
and shifting like, well,
I'm in this season and now I'm out of that season and now I'm in this season.
And now how do I operate differently in this season? How do I operate and rest?
I figured out how to operate and rest here.
Now I got to figure out how to operate and rest here.
It's the life can do whatever it wants to do. We, cause we're never changing.
We're always in a place of rest.
I don't know if that's too high level and you were wanting me to get deeper into
it. Did it answer your question or
Yes, no, that makes total sense.
It really resonated with me what you were saying about how we kind of want to
keep doing the same things and we just expect them to be easier.
And that's not the point. And that was like,
that's so what I was feeling. Cause I was like,
I want to keep doing our business, but it shouldn't be this hard.
Like, why is this so hard still? It shouldn't be this hard, you know?
And I keep thinking like all these things,
like I want to move into doing things, but it still feels hard.
And that's not necessarily the point.
The point is to just abide in Christ and to just live life out of that. So no,
that makes a lot of sense.
And it takes the perspective off of always freaking out when seasons change,
because then you have to reroute and figure out how to live life again.
But no, that answers my question. Thank you.
Good. You're welcome. Cause I've had to live this out as well,
where people were starting to ask me, well, so, you know,
the same thing that they always do. So Ashley, how are you doing?
And I thought, well, you know, I don't know.
It feels like it's always the same and yet, I mean, well, it's hard to explain.
It feels like it's always different and it has changed very rapidly.
But if I look at it in the way that I'm living my life and how I'm perceiving
life, when I wake up every morning and how I live it, you know,
the perspective that I'm in all day. And before I go to bed,
it feels like that isn't changing it.
So that's when I began to realize that my whole focus and my whole point is not
doing all of these things better and easier and out of a place of rest, I realized I had
shifted into, no, Lord, I want to live like this with you.
Whatever we do or don't do, Lord, it's going to come and go, but that's not my life.
My life is existing and abiding in you.
Everything else can change and fluctuates, but it's no longer what I look at in order
to tell myself or other people how it is I'm doing, is if I'm determining how it is I feel,
in other words, where I feel like, oh, well, things are constantly changing because my
perspective about how my life is going and how I feel about it is always based on the
wind and the waves.
I don't look at the wind and the waves anymore, so my life doesn't feel in constant upheaval.
The only times where I've noticed where my life feels in upheaval is when is moving into
rest and moving out of rest, and that's actually everything that my life has just kind of come
down to.
Am I operating in rest or out of rest in that relationship or in my finances or in my business?
That is the only thing that I'm looking at when someone asks me, so actually, how are
you doing, and how are you feeling, and I'll think, well, I'm fine if I would just shift
into rest in this one particular area, and I'm trying to do that, but I'm not going to
tell them that because most other people don't speak this language, and most other people
aren't understanding that, so I'll just tell them, yeah, I'm actually doing really good
because I know that my God's going to provide for me, I know that my God's going to protect
me, and that all of this other stuff is no longer dictating to me and my emotions how
I'm doing.
It no longer determines how I'm doing anymore.
It used to, and it doesn't define it anymore.
What defines it is when I feel like I'm in rest or out of rest, when I know and am believing
I'm loved by God, and when I'm not knowing and I'm not believing that I'm loved by God,
and just trying to constantly shift back and recognize when I'm not in it and shifting
back and recognize when I'm not in it and shifting down.
That's what my world has kind of come down to.
Did...
I actually have a question.
I know you can't really see me, and I just got done eating a bunch of Chick-fil-A fries.
Oh, I'm jealous.
Yeah.
Okay, so something that I've been...
I feel like I have always struggled with knowing if I'm being too sensitive or what I'm feeling
is the Holy Spirit.
And I feel like when I was younger, I think I would have erred on the side of being extremely
sensitive to where I was worried that I was doing something wrong, and it was almost like
it would eat me up for days, and to the point of just anxiety and just wondering if I'm
doing something wrong or all these different things.
And then it really affected me when my husband and I started dating, and I'll just share
a story because it's kind of funny, and it's also like it just shows you how bound up I
was.
But so my husband and I, I forget if I told you this story, Ashley, or not, but my husband
and I had made the decision to...
I almost think I did, but we had made the decision to be completely hands-off when we
were dating, which I regret that decision.
Anyway, but I think it was just because we did not...
I don't know.
We just didn't get it.
But anyway, one night after a date, we had gotten home and we were sitting in the car
talking before I went in, and I just remember it was a really good talk, and I just felt
like, man, it would just feel so right for us to just hold hands.
And it just felt like, yeah, it would just feel really right.
And right away, I'm like, oh my goodness, no, that's from the devil because we made
this commitment to not hold hands.
And no, I think we should hold hands.
And I didn't say anything to him about it, but I just prayed and I was like, Lord, if
this is really what you want us to do, I pray that you would show him too.
So we were praying before I went in.
And in the middle of praying, my husband, well, my boyfriend at that time, stops and
he's like in the middle of his prayer, and he's like, I just really feel like we should
hold hands.
And I just, I remember getting all like hot and prickly.
I'm like, oh goodness, he's hearing from the devil too, you know?
And I was like, and I couldn't do it.
I could not make myself do it.
And now looking back, I really feel strongly that that was the Holy Spirit.
Like moving us forward in our relationship because I feel like it really bound us actually and like kept us
From growing together in a healthy way. Anyway, all that to say it's really like in some ways
I feel like I've almost shut off now like because I'm I'm just so sick of being so sensitive and so worried about everything
But sometimes I feel like I there's just come to shut off
To where I can't even tell anymore if what I'm feeling is actually from God or if it's just fear or
Yeah, I just I feel kind of no, I guess a little bit in the whole discernment area
So yeah
That's a really good question and yeah that comes
Yeah
I'm extremely familiar with that and it's
What we begin to do is what
We begin to not trust ourselves
We don't trust that
something that could cut that and that that we're hearing from the Lord and
that
We we think that often we can think that something that comes up out of us that
How would I word this
We it has to be so obvious from the Lord or we believe that it's Satan or us and if we believe that it's
Us. Well, let me ask you this. Did you believe that if it was you that it and not God that it was
that if it was you that thought something or felt something that you couldn't trust it and
that it was it was wrong and that anything that you could come up with was always subpar of
The Lord's perfect will and you naturally if you desire something it must be of the flesh and therefore wrong
So, yeah, I would say I definitely dealt with that like to the point where I was even like just the fact that I wanted
Made me feel like I shouldn't
Correct. Yes. Okay. Yeah, very very good. And I mean, it's not good
I'm just saying like I got it is what I was trying to say
I
Yeah, I got all the same thing. That was my determination if I couldn't hear from the Lord
I had this hierarchy in a way of me of making decisions
if I did not hear something point-blank from the Lord and I had to make a decision about it like somebody was like
In front of me or I had to like I don't know make a decision for whatever reason
Then I would go to my next default of how to make a decision and that was
Okay, what is it that I want to do and I don't do that
what do I don't what is it that I don't want to do and I'll do that and
What that told my because I believed that nothing within me could be trusted. I
Believed that I had just been I the lie that I had received and that we can often that people
usually receive when they hear stuff from
From preachers or from when they're interpreting the Bible from a particular through a particular paradigm
is the belief that anything that comes up out of us must be fleshly and
wrong and
That is not true
Because our nature is born of God
We're we're no longer the old man. We're the new man
So we don't have to we and the
Problem is where we believe still that worthy if we believe so that we're the old man
we think
Nothing within me can be trusted because the Bible and preachers are always telling me that anything of the flesh is
wrong and that sin is easy for us and
And and that we have to battle our sinful nature and that we're born with a sinful nature in this that and the other and
It's just hogwash and it's not true
so what we do is we take stuff like that and we have developed this lie that we believe and
the this lie that we live in and
It ends we end up squelching ourself and not trusting ourselves and we don't trust that what that what is coming up out of us
Can is of the new nature of?
Christ and that we're actually hearing this spirit
So what I did in order to begin to overcome that in fact
I had a lady point-blank tell me because I was asking her the same thing
I'm like, I am struggling to hear from the Lord because I don't know if that's him or Satan or me
But I don't know and she said actually she said that the best advice that I can give you is she said you need to
trust yourself
You need to trust that. You're the new man. This isn't what she said
This is something that I am I came to understand I needed to trust that
I was the new man and that I desired the things of the Lord and
that God did not
God is not over me holding a list of shoulds and shouldn'ts and do's and don'ts.
That's according to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
which Adam and Eve chose because they were trying to protect themselves.
So I have to figure out what's right and wrong.
I have to look at this arbitrary list, and according to this arbitrary list,
you should do these things and you shouldn't do these others.
But when we're in Christ, when we are operating from the tree of life,
when we are operating out of relationship,
then we're operating out of our new nature, which can be trusted.
And there's no longer should and shouldn'ts in that situation anymore.
It's just God fathering us.
So we don't have to worry anymore that, oh, well, I can do the right thing
or not do the right thing.
It's, no, no, no, where's my piece at right now?
Not some arbitrary list that our parents gave us
or that we've given ourselves or whatever.
That's the tree of knowledge of good and evil because we felt, you know,
we didn't want to operate out of relationship.
But if instead we choose to operate out of relationship and understand
I'm one with Christ, I am born of new nature,
meaning that I was born from God himself.
I was born out of his very essence.
And therefore, I need to know that I can trust myself.
I don't desire to do evil things.
I don't desire to rebel against the Lord.
I desire to do what he wants me to do.
So where's my piece at in this situation?
Then do that.
There's no longer condemnation for God slapping us over the hand
and saying you shouldn't have done that or you should have done this.
There's no longer that anymore.
And so does that make sense?
Sweet loving.
Yes, that makes sense.
And I'm home now, so I'm not driving with my toddler on my lap.
But yes, that makes sense.
And I feel like as I'm going through these intensive,
like I feel like I'm starting to realize that I've always looked at
myself as being very separate from Christ.
I've always looked at myself as being under Christ instead of in Christ.
And I don't know.
I feel like that's one area that I'm really having a struggle with shifting in
because like there's this fear in me that's like,
and I don't know if it's just from the way it was raised or taught or whatever.
Then I'm just like, well, what if I'm like just taking this as,
you know, kind of as an opportunity to the flesh, you know what I mean?
And yet I know that it's the truth.
You know that if you are in Christ, then you truly are in him.
And he is in you and you're making decisions together.
And yeah, I don't know.
I feel like I'm kind of at a place in this intensive where I kind of go in like,
I make like a little bit of progress and all of a sudden there's like this
something that comes down and I just kind of like, what is that?
And I just can't go any further.
But I don't know.
I feel like I'm just kind of taking it one session at a time and drinking it all in.
And yeah, it's taken me a while, but yeah.
So no, and all of that is fine.
So you understand that when we progress,
one of the things that helps us when we're trying to progress is to understand,
especially if we continue to run into walls,
it's just resistance that we have built up and that we're running into.
So we let go of a bit of that resistance and we move that much further ahead.
But then the degree to which we move ahead
is directly related to the amount of resistance that we released.
So if we felt like we released quite a bit, but we only moved a limited amount,
it meant that we have that much resistance against whatever it is that we're moving towards.
And so one of the ways that is very helpful to understand how to progress and shift faster
is to understand that the old season will not reconcile in the new season, period.
So what we often try to do before we move into the other one
is where we kind of like step a toe in, but we're keeping the other as a safety net.
And we actually have to abandon the safety net
because we can't exist in two camps at the same time.
And that's called faith.
I mean, faith is as scary as stepping out in this whole thing of like,
I don't know about all this.
And I know I should believe it, but I'm really, you know,
I can believe it to a certain extent.
But then, well, that's according to what measure of faith
that you were willing to abandon the other and step into this.
So, the more that you're willing to abandon, the faster that you will, the further that
you will jump into the other camp.
And yes, it's as terrifying as all of the reasons why we haven't done it, and haven't
gotten further than each of us have, because it's that terrifying.
If it wasn't terrifying, we would have all done it by now, but it is that scary.
So, what I did, and I don't remember who I told this to, but when I moved, I had to,
when I chose this lifestyle, I had to choose it, and I didn't even believe it.
I chose it first, because, okay, so here's the way that I used to do my life, and this
is the way most people do it.
They look for it in scripture, in other words, they look for absolute positive, or they see
it in people's lives, or they see it in their own lives, or they see it in the environment,
or whatever.
Then, they believe it, and then after they believe it, then they choose it, and step
into it.
Well, that will work, but it's very slow, because first of all, you have to look for
proof, and when you work this way, it's not faith.
So, what I did is, I had lived my whole life like that, and I felt like I'd hardly gotten
anywhere.
So, I did the opposite, and I remember hearing about this, that life could be like this,
and that I could operate from a place of rest, and so what I did is, I didn't even know that
I believed that it was true, but I chose it, because I told God, I said, God, that would
be wonderful and amazing if that were true.
I would love that to be real about you, I'd love that to be true about you, that you are
that loving, and that you are that good, as good as that I'm hearing, and all of that.
I would love that to be true, and I chose it.
I didn't even believe it.
I did not believe that it was real.
I chose it.
I chose that that was my reality, and that that is who God was, and then, he began to
reveal himself to me, because I chose it.
That is blind faith.
If you don't even believe it, and you choose it anyway, that is faith, because faith is
the substance of things hoped for.
I hoped that that would be true, and I wanted so badly for it to be true, that life was
like this.
So, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
In other words, there is no proof yet.
I couldn't see proof anywhere.
I didn't know scripture verses.
I didn't even believe it, but I wanted it to be true so badly, so I chose it, and when
I chose it, God was so pleased, and he began to reveal to me that he really was that.
He began to reveal himself to me, so spiritually, in my soul, I began to shift in my soul, so
I finally believed it.
Then, after I believed it, that's when I started seeing all the proof for it everywhere.
I started seeing the proof in my life, in other people's lives, in scripture.
I mean, do you think that I found all this scripture in the sessions that I quote?
I found, after I stepped into this walk, and had been walking in it for months before I
ever found those scriptures that I now quote in the sessions, so people can come at this
from two different ways.
I've noticed that the people that shift the fastest are the ones that end up being desperate
enough, where they're willing to abandon everything the fastest, and not trying to constantly
reconcile the new season with what they understood from the old, because then this is just kind
of like, let's do this dance until I feel comfortable enough, where, okay, let's finally
lean over into this one.
I had done that for all of my life, until I got to this season, and I just realized
that it wasn't helping me progress fast enough, as fast as I wanted to.
I felt that everybody's lives were progressing so much faster than mine, and so I just told
the Lord, I said, okay, Lord, the way that I'm making decisions isn't helping me move
faster, so I completely abandoned it.
I mean, I jumped out of the camp, and planted my entire life, risked my entire life, my
entire relationship with God in this, and He was here.
And that was amazing.
So anyway, my point is that I did that, however, there are still areas in my life where I'm
still doing that dance thing.
I'm like, I don't really know.
I'm really not ready to abandon this camp yet, but I'd like to kind of feel things out
over here, and then I'll pop back here, kind of like someone from Mexico, coming and working
over here during the day, but coming back.
night," you know, something like that, but I've noticed that. So those are areas
that are more sensitive to me, but then there are other areas where I was
desperate enough where I jumped completely out and into here, and that's
when I learned that principle of what God's talking about in faith, where if He
says that something is true, if He says that we're one with Christ, if He
declares that He loves us as much as it describes that He loves us, then I just
choose that that's my reality, and then when I check out and I choose that
that's my reality, He honors it to where I begin to actually eventually
believe it, and then once I finally start believing it, then I start seeing the
proof of it in my own life, and you know, in other people's lives, and in
Scripture, and you understand that I started believing it before I started
seeing proof. So I mean, all of this is totally backwards at the way that we
usually do it. So anyway, just to give you an understanding of what is
really going on there, and there's nothing wrong with us going, taking it,
you know, slower. I do that in certain areas, you know, in moving into rest. I'm
doing that right now. I'm doing that in certain areas of my life where just
that are more challenging, more difficult, and I know what it is that I'm doing,
and I'm still struggling. I have seen God be faithful in shockingly amazing
ways. He did it again today. He showed me how much He loved me, and I was like,
oh my word, Lord, I wasn't even asking for that, and you remembered that that's
important to me, and when I thought that something bad had happened, and I was so
different, and I was so disappointed, and I was talking to you about it and saying,
Lord, I don't understand. Yeah, I just followed Him on this little journey, and
before I knew it, the end result was more than I had asked Him for. It was
something that He remembered was important to me that I didn't even
remember was important. So I mean, I've seen the faithfulness of the Lord, and I
still, in certain areas of my life, like, I don't know. I don't know if He's that good, you
know, and so it's like step my toe in, and then step back, because I'm not
ready to abandon this yet, and then there are other areas where I'm like, okay, I'm
desperate enough, and I totally abandon it and jump in. All of it's a journey. All
of it is just us being fathered into it, and so there is, therefore, now no
condemnation. There's nothing wrong with where you are. There's nothing wrong with where I am.
Nothing wrong where any of us are. We just take that, and we just allow
ourselves to give ourselves the grace to be on a journey, and know that the Lord
gives us that grace, because the Lord said it first. He is giving us grace to
be on a journey. So what, we're a higher judge than God that we won't give
ourselves grace to be on the journey? No, we're perfectly fine. So we just
determine for ourselves how much, how good do I want to believe that God is?
How fast do I want to move, and how much am I willing to, am I all chips in or not?
And we just make that determination based on different areas that we're
alive in, different moments and whatever, and He just fathers us into it, but the
whole point is what I was telling, you know, what we were talking about, what
Carrie and I were talking about earlier, which is, you know, just a while ago, is the
whole thing, the whole point is our relationship with Him, and just learning
to abide in Him. That's the focus, not how it's manifesting, including how we're
moving into rest in these other areas. That is not the point. The point is just
to focus on, Lord, I'm seeking you, and I'm really disappointed in how it's
manifesting in certain areas, and I'm really excited and pleased in how it's
manifesting in other areas. That doesn't mean anything. God just wants us to focus
on just abiding in Him, and just choosing this lifestyle with Him where we're
pursuing Him, and when we're pursuing Him, He'll continue to take us on that
journey, and just continue to father us. He wants us to just constantly make
ourselves available for Him to father us, as opposed to shutting Him out and
halting the process. So if you're not shutting Him out and halting the process,
He's like, I'm pleased. Then you'll see you're fine.
I love the way that you explain things, Ashley. I really, really do, and I so
identified with you, Priscilla, when you were talking about that story about your
husband. Can those of us messed up by youth pastors, please raise our hands.
I kissed Kate in Goodbye. What a tragedy. I actually never read that book because I still did want to
kiss the boys, so I was like, I'm not reading that book because I would like to get kissed one
day. I had such a hard time getting married, and it was that, I looked this up when you were
talking, Priscilla.
Jeremiah 17, nine, the heart is deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked who can know it.
And that was always what was quoted was like,
how you can never follow yourself.
You can never follow your desires or your wants
because this is what your heart is.
You know, and it was like, oh gosh.
And then, so when I was coming into grace
and coming into my identity in Christ,
I would go to the Lord and be like,
what about this verse?
What about that verse?
And it was like, Ashley is sweet.
And she like jumps into the pool and is like,
okay, God, show me your goodness.
But I was like, I don't think you wanna be kind to me.
You can prove it.
Ready?
Go.
My life is terrible in every area.
Go.
I was like, anyway.
But he did for me like the same thing he did for Ashley.
But this is what he said to me.
And I do not wanna give you advice, Priscilla.
Please, please, please.
I do not wanna give you advice.
I just wanted to share this verse
because this is how he showed me my heart scripturally.
Okay, so like a couple of verses down.
It says, a glorious high throne from the beginning
is the place of our sanctuary.
Oh Lord, the hope of Israel.
All who forsake you shall be ashamed.
Those who depart from me shall be written in the earth
because they have forsaken the Lord,
the fountain of living waters.
And the next verse is like, heal me, oh Lord.
I shall be healed.
Save me.
I shall be saved for you, my praise.
Okay, so, but what the Lord brought me to
is that it's those that depart from him
that have shame and condemnation.
It's those that depart from him
that are wicked and deceitful.
And when you go through the rest of Jeremiah,
there really is this whole thing of like,
and even those he fathers back into the fold later.
But it was just, to me, it was like,
Holly, you don't even, you don't want to go anywhere.
You're not like trying to get,
you're trying to get deeper into me,
but you can't get there because you can't trust yourself
to just like listen and hear.
And that's how he sort of, I mean, this was a few years ago.
So I'm trying to think exactly how he spoke it to my heart
without pulling out my journal.
But was it you, Carrie,
that said you journal everything too?
Yes, okay.
But I know that it was like that verse where it was like,
you're not departing from me
and your heart is not wicked and deceitful
and there's no shame and condemnation.
So like the circle that you live in of like,
what do I do?
What do I do?
If that's the thing I want to do, like you said, Ashley,
then I definitely shouldn't do it
because my heart is going to deceive me
and I don't even know it and I'm such a wretch.
Oh my gosh.
And like this whole exhausting thing.
And he was just like,
that's if you have like departed from me
and you are on your own and that's not what you're doing.
And so that scripture, when he made that clear to me,
that helped so much to define myself,
to define my own identity and be like,
I'm not even in that category.
That's not about me.
And the people that that's about,
he later brings back in because he's that good.
So anyway.
Yeah.
Thank you for that, Holly.
But I would not give you advice on your own journey.
Like, I'm not trying to be like,
oh, let me explain this to you.
No, you like walk out for yourself.
But that just like rung in my ears.
Oh, I know that story.
And I love that holding hand story.
That's like, oh man, oh man, yes.
Yeah, I feel like I'm starting to realize
how many lies that I've believed.
And yeah, I love Ashton,
how you're always talking about shifting
because I feel like it's not like a total 360
because it's not like I've been going
in the completely wrong direction all this time,
but it's like, it has to be a shift, you know, into rest.
And yeah, it's a lot to think about.
Yeah.
If I can just say one more thing real quick,
I wanted to tell you that we had our neighbors
over the other evening and they had friends
visiting from South Africa.
And I guess they're really trying
to leave South Africa right now.
Anyway, and so I shared with them
some of the things that I've been learning
through this intensive and just, you know,
the thing about making decisions from a place,
like, in other words, that the Lord has given us,
you know, so many options
because I think right now they're not sure.
They're not sure where they should move to.
Like, they were thinking about the States,
they were thinking about Germany.
Anyway, so I just shared with them how, you know,
operating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
or the tree of life and how, you know,
the Lord has given us so many trees to pick.
from you know and there's actually very very few options that are actually
things that are wrong and you know that the lord is more concerned about
us making the decision with him instead of actually which one we pick
and anyway they didn't say like just real much i mean we had a good
conversation but then before before they left the other couple that
that is our neighbors they just said like
that what i said was exactly like what this couple is walking through and like
what they needed to hear and i was like wow i don't know i just feel like
i feel like i'm i'm finally starting to to understand what it is about
certain people that has attracted me to them for years
and it's this like it's that spirit of rest
and you know that they they're like how would you say they're not like
wildly successful but they're not like they're not hurting you know what i
mean they're just at a place of rest and peace and it's
not even like they don't go through hard stuff
but i think i'm finally starting to understand what it is about them that
attracts me to them all the time and it's this thing of
that they are living in a place of rest and
yeah it's just yeah i've just been having a lot of epiphanies
that's exciting i'm excited to get to hear you know that
that you're able to already you know that you're already you know taking the
initiative to speak into other people and reminding that we're all reminding
each other of stuff we already know but we believe
the lies that we're now having to unlearn so and so it's just reminding
reminding ourselves of the fact that no you know we really we really can trust
ourselves and and god wants and god delights in
making and us making decisions with him and
that there's all the streets in the garden my goodness
you know and we seem to think that the world revolves around
the bad one and it just it's so small you know um but i like what you were
saying holly um about that about that you brought up that that verse you know
that the heart is deceitful of all things and whatever
yes because verses like that we bring up and they're just very self-condemning
but the thing is that that's describing the old man
but if we're the new man we don't have to worry about that anymore
because sure it was true and it was and it still is true
about someone if they were the old man but but it's not for anybody who's of
the new man the heart is not deceitful above all things you know we have the
mind of christ we have and we have the heart of him as
well and then you were talking about i think
that was it you priscilla who was talking
about uh shifting in the in the seasons and oh that's what
it was i was just thinking about shifting seasons when you were talking
um you were talking about the fact that oh
can y'all hear me okay good can y'all hear me okay i think that my
my mind froze and so i wasn't sure if i froze
so about the season shifting so when we want to make sure that we know
that when we when god has opened our eyes
and we've moved into a particular season
that sometimes we've lived there for so long we forget that it was
god that moved us into that season and when now he's revealing
a new measure that we can walk into we begin to condemn ourselves for being in
this other season but we need to remember god's the one
who called us into that one in the first place
so we need to not condemn ourselves or feel shame that we are where we
are just because god's calling us into greater freedom doesn't mean that where
we are is bad it doesn't mean that we're
under condemnation it means simply that he's moving us into
even a greater measure of freedom and what that requires is it requires
um a um it requires repentance so when we move from one season of god
of god himself one season of god into a new season
that god wants us to move into and then another season of god that he wants us
to move into that that it says that um that that
requires repentance because all that repentance is repentance isn't feeling
sorry repentance is not is not remorse
repentance is not is not a turning away of
uh from sin repentance is strictly a turning away
it's instead of doing this i'm now going to be doing this
period that's all that repentance is so even moving from one season of god
himself into another season of god requires
repentance but repentance isn't a bad thing repentance is strictly
i was doing this
But no, I'm going to do a 180 and now I'm going to do this instead.
And remember what it talks in the Bible about repentance.
It says that the kindness of God leads to repentance.
So as we're moving from one season into another, you know,
when I was talking earlier about,
we need to be willing to abandon this into this.
It doesn't mean that we're abandoning a sin that we're doing,
and we just need to be willing to abandon it and move into the new season.
No,
it means that we need to understand that the old season and the new season will
not reconcile and we need to stop trying to get them to do so.
And so before we shift into the new one,
and so we just need to be willing to
abandon the old season and repent. In other words,
shift by the kindness of God,
be led into the new season by the kindness of God,
instead of thinking that he's back there with a whip or with,
you know, with the scourge or with condemnation, like a judge,
like, why are you still here?
You should be in a new place. And why did you get here in the first place?
And that's not the case. God wants to lead us through kindness. He's like,
don't you desire even greater freedom?
You can move into this one if you want to.
He's not condemning us for being here.
He is inviting us in kindness, in his kindness,
in his love of us and desiring to give us greater freedom that he's calling us
out of that season into the new.
He's not trying to create such pain in the old season to propel us out of it
as if this is bad. He's calling us into newer and newer measures.
So it's really important that we, that we remember that.
I thought there was something else he was going to say about that, but hopefully,
hopefully that helps to remember that,
that to not condemn ourselves for where we are when the Lord is desiring for us
to move into something nicer.
That doesn't equate to the fact that when we learn something new and beautiful
that where I am must be bad. No,
because think about where you are, all of us.
Think about how all of us are where we are because God showed us,
God shed light on, on, on lies that we were believing.
And so we began to live in more truth.
So why is he now going to condemn us for being in a place that he brought us to
as, as a greater measure of freedom? He's not going to condemn us for that.
So we need to stop condemning ourselves for that and not see and not be
frustrated that, well,
why am I not moving into into the new season in X, Y, and Z area of my life,
faster or better or whatever, as if where we are is bad.
No, God's just calling us into,
into greater measures of freedom if we want to take up his invitation to do so.
Oh, that's fun. I'm seeing fireflies up on my window.
Um, Oh shoot. There was, I thought of it again.
The thing that I was going to say about, um, that I'd forgotten,
it was about, um, moving into that place and, and, um, what God does.
Oh, okay. Uh, when the,
the only time that God talks about, Oh, actually, okay.
There's multiple things. And I know we're, we're running, um, it's 90901 on my end.
I know it's, it's 1001 on y'all's,
but let me just say this really fast because I think it might be helpful is
when God talks about, um,
because one of the reasons why we have all these self-condemning thoughts in
our mind is even in the new Testament, when Jesus was getting onto people,
but when Jesus was getting onto people, um, like for instance, the Pharisees,
he called them vipers. That's strong.
That is really strong. And so he was calling them vipers.
He was calling them whatever,
but you notice that when he talks to individuals,
he did not condemn people. He was kind to them.
He was loving. He, he spoke to them where they were calling them into,
uh, into a greater measure of freedom, but to the Pharisees,
into certain people, uh, and to certain other people, when he, uh,
like for instance,
when he was turning the money changers tables over and he was driving the
animals out of the temple, et cetera,
those situations were situations in which Jesus was,
um, addressing the fact that they were,
was not addressing how they were living their own lives.
He was addressing the condemnation that they were putting on other people that
was keeping them from stepping into the greater measure of freedom that God
said was theirs by right, because God does not,
God takes it extremely serious with some of the strongest words in scripture
In fact, in fact,
I think all of the strongest words in scripture that I can think of, at least,
at least most of them are in reference to, you know, his wrath, et cetera,
are in reference to, um,
people trying to keep other people out of claiming and living in the freedom
that God said is true.
theirs and trying to keep them from full free relationship with him. Case in point why he
talked to the Pharisees the way that he did about certain principles, etc., is he was
addressing the fact that they were bringing condemnation on the people and they were,
they were, what word, I can't think of the word, but anyway, propagating it, but that
doesn't sound like quite the right word that I need. But anyway, that they were, that they
were preaching it, that they were requiring it out of all of these laws and all of these
traditions that they kept writing, and that they kept oppressing the people under, and
God takes that extremely seriously, and that's where we saw Christ talk, you know, use language
like you vipers, etc., is when they were bringing up principles by which they were oppressing
the people. But when you talk to individuals who were living under deception, who were
living under self-condemnation, like, oh, I should do this, and I shouldn't do this,
and life is so hard, and he wasn't condemning. Case in point, he even told the adult, the
woman who committed adultery, just simply go and sin no more. He didn't even tell her
to be sorry about it, to tell, ask for forgiveness of God, to go sacrifice anything. He didn't
even tell her to go to the priest and sacrifice something to have her forgiveness of her sin,
and she was living under that law. He didn't even tell her that. He didn't say, go reconcile
with your husband, or go reconcile with his wife, or you, you know, whatever. All he said
is go and sin no more, period. That's what he just said, don't do it anymore. Do a 180.
That's all he told her to do. And so I just wanted to mention that. That's where we get
a lot of this self-condemnation from, is also remembering things in the New Testament. Well,
even Jesus got really mad. Yes, but who was he getting mad about? Who was he getting mad
to and about why? Two other verses I'll just mention just real quick, and then we can go,
is where it says, and I'm paraphrasing here, it says, if anyone leads one of my children astray,
it is better if they had a millstone tied around their neck and be drowned.
That's extreme language. And, but it's how seriously the Lord takes people, keeping other
people in shame and in condemnation, and away from the freedom and the relationship that's
rightfully theirs. And then the other one that I wanted to mention is one that I've already
talked about in the sessions, is Galatians 1. You remember that the Galatians believed
that Jesus Christ, that the only way to Jesus Christ was as a gift, that it was a free gift,
that they couldn't earn it. And so they accepted that gospel and they accepted that salvation.
However, now that they were in it, they were now believing that it was according to how they
behaved that kept sin, which is the lie that I had lived under for so many years, so many decades,
is the belief that I had to behave a particular way in order to get, in order to please God,
in order for him to, excuse me, in order for him to bless me, give me the inheritance in order for
me to spiritually mature. Then I had to go through a lot of pain. I had to go through a lot of
heartache. I had to behave. And that's what the Galatians were believing. And so Paul condemned
very strongly on them. And he said, no, that is a perverted gospel. That's how the New Living
Translation calls it. And then in verse eight, he says, but even if we, or an angel from heaven,
should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned.
That again is very strong. So the Bible, and God takes it very seriously when people are being held,
are being, are preaching things that would make us feel that we are in separate, that we're in
a state of separation from God, instead of moving, instead of allowing us to move, instead of our own
free will, into greater and greater measures that was freedom in his love. So I just wanted to
mention those two things so that we can begin to learn, again, to shift our mind and to have our,
allow our mind to be transformed, that we do not self-condemn even where we are. We're not in a bad
place. Nobody who comes into this intensive is in a bad place. We're in a place that God had brought,
had moved us into as a greater measure of freedom from where we were. And God does not move people
into bad places. So all he wants, though, is for us to move into a greater measure of freedom. So
let's not condemn ourselves for being where we are and think, well, why should we move faster?
Because I shouldn't be here. No, we need to stop thinking that we shouldn't be here and that we
should be somewhere else. There's no more should and shouldn't.
no condemnation, God just wants us to move into greater freedom. So anyway, hopefully that that
is encouraging. So, um, my six year old is a perfectionist, which I blame on my husband, but
and, um, he really gets down on himself when I correct him. I'm sorry.
Just unpaused. Um, like I can be like, well, your shoe, where are your shoes right now?
And he'll be like on the floor instead of in the shoe bin, like not a big deal. I'm not raising my
voice. Nothing like there's no consequence. Nothing's gone on. I just want him to like,
and he's a six year old boy, but I like want him to be like thoughtful of like,
I've walked past this a couple of times and I can put it in the basket and okay.
So, but he gets really down on himself and he has lately. And I, part of me feels like it's
everything that is getting stirred up in the spirit, just like in our house. Um, because
of what I'm walking through and shifting. And, um, I think one of the things that God's been
showing me is that I've all of the shifts that I've been asking for, like in my marriage and
in my children, whatever that, that as the woman that I am the bear of life. So as I shift,
the whole family will follow whatever life I'm bringing to the table. And so while the husband
is the head, there is this part where I am, I'm the river and I make everything grow, you know?
And so if it's going to grow and then when, when I will shift, then everyone else can kind of just
fall in the fold a lot easier and has been bringing like new revelation to those verses
about like how women tear down their homes with their own hands and like content living with what
it's like to live with a contentious woman and that kind of a thing. And so then for my son,
as I've made these shifts, it seems like what is coming up in him is like crazy strong condemnation
for a six year old who was raised in a free house of grace. And I mean, I'm strict,
but I never speak about his identity being tied to his behavior or anything like that. So
we've talked about it a lot, but he just says, I just feel like I'm bad. And if I don't do it
right, then I'm bad. And so we've talked about like, you get, you get to grow and you get to
mature and we're happy with you and we're pleased with you. But, but can you speak to how I can help
him in his identity? Cause it's, I just feel like he's so little, right? Like he just got done with
kindergarten and I, I don't want any of this to stick in his identity. And I do get nervous. Like
I have a, like I have to like rush and save him from, from shame and condemnation. We have to get
this out, out, out, out, out. Cause we don't want to grow up in this because mommy knows what it's
like to grow up in this. And, and so can you just speak to helping children shift in some of that?
Yeah. So I, interestingly, I was talking to somebody just the other day, so about this.
And that is, we, we'd shift children in the same way that we help other people. And the fact that
what we have to do first in order for them to be able to shift in order for us to be able to help
them shift. That's what I, that's the point because they have to choose it, but we can make
it a lot easier for them a lot easier. And because they're getting their cues, especially when they're
so little, they get there, they get the majority of their cues from us. They're much more receptive
is the point. So a human soul is the same, whether it's little or big, but when they're little,
they're much more risk. They're much more willing to receive and they're less, they're, they're,
they've built up fewer, more, they've built up less resistance against someone else.
So, so it really is a perfect opportunity. And the way that we first shift, help
provide someone with what it is that we desire them to shift into is we have to shift how we
view them. And we can all say that we view our children, you know, just perfect. And we,
not that we think that our children are perfect. I mean, we know that, but we, we see them in the
true light of what it is that they really are, how it is that they're acting, what it is that
we know that they are in Christ and all of that, but there really is. And I'm, let me see if I can,
they're, they're really how to describe it. Okay. Case in point, when a child does something
and our first response is, oh my word, you know, this, this, we, we, oh, I'm trying.
Sorry, I'm trying to think if I can give a more concrete example, give a very concrete example
of what I'm talking about. Okay, say for instance that a child takes a toy from a Sunday school
and you get home and you discover that they have it in their pocket and they know very well not
to do it. So in other words, you've realized that they knew better and they did it anyway.
So you're like, oh my word, they've stolen and all of a sudden you can see them 20 years from
now in jail. And we respond like that. So in other words, we have viewed them in our minds
and I'm not just talking about like 20 years from now. I'm saying that there's something in our
mindset that because we live in our own world of such, we've painted our own world in such shame
and condemnation that we don't realize how much we see other people like that too. We're like,
we create this, we create this monster immediately in our mind. We're like, oh no,
this is terrible. And so when we respond, whether or not it's in,
our response is going to come out of, and then what it is that they feel is our,
they're going to feel things in the spirit. It's not going to just be what we say. It's
not just going to be our tone and how we respond to them. They're also going to feel our spirit
for lack of a better phrase. They're going to feel something in the metaphysical of how it
is that we truly view the situation and that's what they take on. So it's not just, I've said
the right things and I've done the right things. It's really that we have to shift our own
perspective of what it means to not live in shame and condemnation. And the fact of, oh my word,
my child just lied or my child just took a toy. And oh my word, this means something.
Even though we tell ourselves that there's grace because while they're young and they're still
learning, we still think, oh my word, you've done something bad. Even if we don't say it,
say it to ourselves, oh my word, they've done something bad. I have to correct this because
this is an ugly thing in them that must be rooted out. The child gets that. They get that conveyed
somewhere in there, even through our spirit. So what we have to do first is we have to shift our
own mind in how it is that we're perceiving, lying, feeling, et cetera, in relationship to
the person. That that is always separate from the person. And we always address the person,
not what it is that they've done. So we have to shift first because I was talking to another
person just the other day about this with the child about the fact that the very first thing
that we have to do is shift our own belief about them. When we think that we're believing everything
just fine, we don't realize the paradigm in which we live under our own self-condemnation,
let alone how we project that onto other people that we judge in the church,
how we judge a husband, how we judge a wife, how we judge a child, how we judge our parents,
how we judge a friend. We all say that we understand that God loves us and God loves
everybody and that we're all one in Christ, and yet we still judge. We judge our children as well
and so because that's what we believe about the world. So it's just changing that,
changing that first. If we deal with that, we will always know what to say. We will always
know how to say it, and they will always get exactly what it is that we want them to
receive. In other words, that they will not receive things as shame and
condemnation. Yes, we can't, what is it, we can't, not force, we can't
determine how they receive it because even a child as young as he is, they determine how
they receive something. They have their own free will and they determine how they
would receive it, but they're much more likely to receive it the correct way when they feel the true
spirit that really does believe that they are something that they don't believe that they are
because we've changed our own paradigm in which we see all of the worlds, let alone this situation.
So that would be, that's honestly the root of the problem, the root of
that kind of thing, and it's the fastest way to deal with it, and the most sure way to deal
with it, where you're no longer having to learn formulas of what tone should I use, what should I
say, what should I make sure to not say, etc. If we just change that, and it really doesn't take that
long to shift, especially if we're willing to totally abandon one camp and move into another.
If we're desperate enough, or if we're being propelled enough by the kindness of God,
we can honestly shift really quickly. We're the only things that are limiting us. So in other
words, all the possibility is there. I'm not saying that in a self-condemning way as if we
haven't chosen it yet. My point is, all the possibility is there and everything is within
our control to choose to do so. One other thing I was going to say, but does that make sense at all?
Yeah, no, definitely.
It definitely does.
And I think we touched on this a little bit
in one of like my personal sessions too.
I have very challenging children,
so I have to ask a lot of questions about them.
But I was also gonna ask you,
well, what's coming up in my spirit,
like when you talk about this,
is just to like sit with the Lord
and to just be like, Lord, show me Will,
that's my six year old's name,
like show me Will and like how do you see him
and how can I see him and what,
like just show, let me see his spirit
and who he is and his identity
and then have that and then operate
out of that fresh revelation instead of,
you know, the rest of it.
Trying to address the behavior.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, because God doesn't address our behavior either.
He addresses us in our person.
We interpret it as our behavior.
We think it's our behavior
and then we take on shame.
Oh, another thing I was gonna mention,
some of it is, some of what it is,
you know, that we think, wait a minute,
this child grew up in Graceville home,
why is he acting like this?
Why does he believe this?
Meaning like, why does he believe this about himself
when he does things like this?
Some of that you do know that we do receive
as records in our DNA from the General.
Oh, yeah.
That he has in his little DNA as well.
You know, we all have that.
Yeah.
You, when you're in the womb,
you pick up so much of the mother's emotion,
like around you, like Psalms talks about that so much
and that kind of a thing.
And he has been a picture of that for me.
Whoops.
And like, there's been so much freedom there,
like for real, but it has been,
it really has been,
yeah, just amazing to see that
and to give him like the grace on it.
And there was one time, like even with this,
like quarantine in the homeschool and stuff
that we were working on something
and he was getting so mad at it.
And he was like, I just don't know why I feel so angry.
And I felt like the Lord prompted me.
And I'd had, when he was little,
y'all, he used to get angry and have fits.
And every child there gets angry and have fits,
but he would get a spirit of anger.
And the first time he did it, I was like,
oh yeah, I know exactly where that came from.
Because when my husband and I got married,
we had a very, very hard first couple of years.
And I had never been angry before in my life,
but I was angry.
That was my response in those first couple of years.
And that's when Will was born and nursing
and all that stuff.
And I think he just absorbed so much of it.
And we have had tons of freedom of it,
but in the quarantine, the homeschool stuff,
he got angry and I just looked at him and I was like,
that's not really your anger.
That's mommy's anger.
And let me just explain to you.
And we are weird and talk about Holy Spirit
and blah, blah, blah all day long.
And my in-laws are Baptists and wonderful and love the Lord,
but I am a lot for them.
Anyway, I'll just leave that.
You can imagine.
Anyway, I'm just like, listen,
this is how your spirit man works.
And mommy blessed your spirit man when you were in the womb,
but this is what was going on in mommy's spirit.
And I think you absorb that and you can just shake that off
because that's not yours.
That was mommy's and I'm free and you can be free.
And that made a tremendous difference
like the last six weeks for him to just be like,
this is yours.
And that kid has brought it up to me too.
Like later, like remember when I used to be angry
because of you?
Yes, I do.
Thank you so much.
Anyway, so that helps a lot
to just kind of get a fresh revelation of him in that
because, and that's how, yeah, that's how I wanna see him.
So thank you.
Yeah, and you know, also we can receive things
in the DNA from your husband.
I'm trying to remember, what is Frank's first name?
Oh, well, Frank, but his real, Eric.
Eric, here we go.
I thought it was Eric, but I wanted to make sure.
So yeah, so do you call him Frank
from Father of the Bride, Frank?
No, because that guy is gay,
which my husband is very much like,
this is not a reference to that movie.
But he, oh, bye Priscilla.
Okay, bye.
No, it's because our last name is Frank.
Yes.
So when I met him, like just as a.
like as a part, like before we were dating or whatever,
I was like, your name is Eric Frank.
I was like, I'm gonna call you Frank.
I don't know.
Like, it just came out of me, I don't know.
Again, very weird.
I just assumed, I always assumed
that you pronounced it Frank because of the movie.
So anyway, you know, because there was,
you know, it's Frank, it's Frank.
And you always sounded like you like it.
I mean, I am French, that my heritage is French.
Like I'm pretty, I'm pretty,
I don't know that I'm 100%, but I'm pretty close.
And so I was like, well, I'm calling you Frank
because that's not, but I legit have friends
that think his name is Frank.
Do not know.
Yeah, I thought, I thought, I think his name is Eric,
but I don't want to be wrong about that
and just throw it out.
So I'll just ask her.
But so another thing that I wanted to mention
is obviously things can, which of course you know from him,
but from y'all's parents and from their parents
and then from, so in other words,
things are in the deep that generations have not overcome.
And when they haven't overcome it,
you remember that anything in the,
that things manifest down into the body,
meaning into the physical,
that according to what it is that we believe in our soul.
And so people haven't, if people have determined things
and then, and may, and committed certain felonies
or, you know, sins against the Lord or whatever,
and then it'll manifest in the body.
That means in the DNA as well.
And then if they had didn't overcome,
then it got passed down in the DNA to previous generations
who then have to overcome
before it finally stops being passed.
Yeah.
And so, so anyway, so in other words,
the point is that who knows where, like even your anger,
that that didn't come out of nowhere.
I mean, it comes from, you know, from, from things,
you know, that just come up
and then each of us just, just overcomes things.
And anyway, so a lot of that comes from the DNA
and down through the generations
and it allows us the opportunity
to take responsibility for something.
And, and like I keep saying, just overcome.
But anyway, thanks for, for mentioning that and asking.
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you.
Does anyone have any?
Go ahead.
Sister and I always say break the cycle.
That's our big thing is we're going to break the cycle.
So that makes sense now.
I can actually see there is a legitimate cycle
down through it.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
It's, it's carried down into the,
whatever it is that we choose to do and believe
based off of our belief in the soul
will manifest down into the body and our body,
because our body receives its blueprint
and our instruction from the soul.
So if we, you know,
if we believe that we're in self-preservation mode,
if we believe that we're in self-protection mode,
if we lie based off of a belief or whatever,
it will, our body receives the blueprint
and it'll manifest somewhere,
including being written into the DNA
and, and so to speak.
And, and then it'll be,
and then it'll be trans, trans,
but we transferred, you know, from child to child.
So anyway.
I suddenly kind of feel like I've ruined my kids already.
No, you haven't ruined anything.
This is us being people and,
and just learning, having, like I said,
the opportunity to overcome things,
which is bringing further dominion of God into creation.
And our children aren't ours.
They're God's.
They were born through us.
So it's not like, oh, well, you know,
they're a product of something that I created
and I'm giving to God and I messed it up.
No, they have their own responsibility to the Lord
and the Lord put their spirit on earth,
which might as they grow up minute
and is meant to minister to you
and to overcome and redeem things for your benefit,
for the benefit of previous generations.
So every generation, whether it's the,
it's the prior generation or the descendant,
whether it's the ancestors or the descendants,
each of them are meant to give something to the other.
So your, for instance,
one of the things that you're giving your children
is a spiritual inheritance
in which they will be able to stand on your shoulders
where your skin is their floor.
And then they go up from there.
And so you provided them with that support
and now they grow,
they're giving further revelations
and responsibilities from the Lord
to then come around and benefit you with,
because they grew further than you did in the Lord.
They received further revelations, et cetera.
So each of this helps the other.
So we provided this,
we provided their floor
and then they gave us a new ceiling
because we're all one body of Christ.
So there's no need for us to like,
just fill this up again,
the self-contamination of.
Even towards our children, I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry.
I've been to cause, I've messed it up.
No, God has a destiny that he intended for them
that they are responsible to him for.
And then they will then,
we've given them tremendous blessing.
They will then turn around with that responsibility
and then bless us from it,
from what they've done from it as well.
So each of us is given a responsibility
to the generations prior to and after us.
So, does that make sense?
So anyway, we're all free.
So does anyone have anything before we go?
I have a question that you can absolutely talk about
next week, cause it is 1030,
but you sometimes mention that,
like that nature and the laws of the spirit,
the laws of the world.
I'm trying to remember all the ones
that scripture brings out,
but I've heard that those are to serve the sons of God.
And that is something that I have wondered about
in scripture for a long time.
And I would love to hear you do a teaching on it
or expound on it or whatever, when there's time,
not tonight, but like just whenever there's time.
Okay, talking about how they serve us,
not how we serve them?
Yes.
Okay, okay.
All right, good to know.
Okay, I'll do that.
Oh, by the way, did you remember,
okay, you remember that,
cause I was going back to,
you had asked me a question maybe about three weeks ago
on a session I was doing about
how you feel like you're a martyr.
Oh, you're tired of feeling like a martyr,
getting a martyrdom syndrome.
And what was that?
That's the word that I remember from it.
And you said, hey, and you asked a question
and I said, oh, I need to work on
how to articulate that better.
Cause yes, I've been through that as well.
But then I rewatched the teaching and I realized,
oh no, I answered her question.
But afterwards, and if I'm not mistaken,
you may have had to leave this session early.
So I wanted to see if you could go find that,
see if you'd watch the rest of that session
and if it answered your question.
Cause if it didn't answer your question,
I want to make sure to answer it.
Because-
We talked about the martyr thing,
like on our Zoom call a couple of weeks ago,
but the live-
Yeah, there was a lot when you mentioned the word martyr.
I think it was, okay, so my husband's family,
who is wonderful, but like are a bunch of martyrs.
And I come from a family where you would take,
where you are well loved and respected
and you take care of yourself.
So that has been some getting used to, to me,
cause I don't speak that language.
I don't understand what's going on.
Like our first couple of Christmases, I was like,
what's happening in the living room right now?
No one is speaking to each other
and there's like a palpable tension.
And I don't understand,
cause we've been in this house for four days together
and like, what's happening?
Anyway, it's just like this whole thing where it's like,
no, no, you go ahead.
No, you go ahead.
No, I hate your guts more.
Why don't you go ahead?
No, I loathe you completely.
Please let you go ahead.
I mean, it's just like this, like, I hate you,
but I will show you what a good person I am.
It's like, whacko.
Okay, anyway.
So what we were talking about
is trying to receive love from others
and like talking to the person's like highest self,
but then them like still treating you out of your soul
and how, I think it was something along the lines
and I will try to go back and find it.
I probably, I have to like search
for the Zoom call instructions every Thursday night.
So I'm not sure I can go back and find it
cause I'm always like, oh God, oh God.
Like I'm like on my phone.
That's why I'm 10 minutes late every week.
But by the way, what I did is I provided it.
I created a post for the Zoom call only
and what I did is I put, if you go to the post topics,
there's one that's called Zoom meeting
and it has only one post associated with it.
And if you click on that, you click on that
and it'll take you to the post
and then you click on the big Zoom.
Ah, thank you.
Okay.
It's not a community cause I was concerned
that people then had to like open the announcement,
scroll down and find the link.
And so I made a little,
that little click button for like Zoom meetings.
So you have to click on that,
but that'll take you to the post
and you have to click on the post.
Okay, great.
Like just click on the picture and it'll take you here.
Yeah, I told everybody that earlier,
so that'll be faster.
But okay, so yeah, now I'm remembering.
Yes, it was about that.
It was about the fact that, you know,
talking to people.
How to talk to someone up here and what to do if you if they keep talking to you down here and and that you
In an in you constantly feeling rejection.
That's what
Saying that comment. Okay, because I was mentioning some of the rejection, but I did it, but then you said another comment. And then I said, oh, I think
It had to do with like rejection and boundaries and
And stuff like that because one thing that I have really experienced in marriage and with my in-laws is
Rejection, but it's very quiet. And it's it's not like we hate you guys. So we don't want anything to do with you. It's like I
Don't I mean it's like what restaurant we go to it's I mean it is like
everything and
it's it's the it's so bizarre and
That was aware
A lot of my anger came from my first couple years of being married because I felt so unloved
but I and I had not felt that before from family from like close relationships and
I didn't know what to do with it and I wasn't expecting it. And then here's my poor husband who only
comes from
I'm a martyr. I'm laying my life down for you
Why are you asking me for specific things? Why like why isn't what I'm doing enough why you know, like
that kind of thing and a total lack of
emotional intimacy and
You know, and then I'm like, let's talk about our feelings
It is, you know, like exploding inside and like cannot handle it at all
I mean, I don't like say that but you know that like whole mentality of like let's dream together and that kind of thing
I mean we're much better now, but just sort of like I joke about it, but it it was really serious and I
I didn't know I didn't know if I could stay in the marriage. I didn't know what I could do it
And I mean, it was just sort of like a disaster and no and then I was magically pregnant
Oh gosh, so it was kind of all that. So anyway, I'm so sorry. I rabbit trail like this guys
I just want you to know I see it about myself and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry
Like this you guys I just want you to know I see it about myself, I know it and I'm just
I enjoy it. I
Study in this community now knows why why Holly was my very dear friend and called
I love your rabbit trails because I completely relate to them. Oh good
Okay, I actually message Ashley after your question at night and said you can feel free to use
Anything I've told you about my family when you answer this question because yeah, I can relate so the reject
Helps me to to just know that yeah, you know somebody else for sure
Christmas is just like when I messaged Ashley after and I have my retainer and so I can't talk
I
After my uncle's funeral and we literally sat there it was like 30 plus minutes
Dead silence and no pun intended but just staring straight ahead
It's like you guys seriously hate each other enough that you're just sit here. So we just sit there
Waiting for you to start
Our first Christmas we came so we live in North Carolina now, but we were in Texas
We came to North Carolina for nine days we've been married for like two months
I was like, I feel like this is a bad idea
Like I feel like this is sort of gonna be too much. Anyway, am I my husband has these sisters y'all?
Have you seen Cinderella? Okay, and
Like, um, I could tell you stories and you would be like, that's not real and I'd be like honest to God
that is exactly what happened, but anyway, and
It was Christmas and they don't like speak to each other they just like move around the house
so then I come in and I'm like this perky like trying to fit into my new in-law family and
And I was feeling really nauseous because I was pregnant
We've been married for like nine weeks and I was pregnant
I had no idea because I I never watched out for a pregnancy before we waited until we were married
to have sex and so I just like I
Didn't know I actually didn't know very much about my body. Okay, that's like the honest truth
So I like didn't even like pay attention to missing a period whatever
It's like so cuz I remember when I got the call that I was pregnant
The nurse was like your HCG levels are really high
We are thinking you could be like 10 weeks pregnant and I'd be like is I was like this is what I said
Is that a lot?
Like what is that? Is that a lot of pregnancy? What is?
This is so how dumb how dumb can you I mean, I look at that now and I'm like, oh god help that girl anyway, but
So we're stuck in this house and I'm like, you know, like hey, does anybody want to go to coffee?
And his sisters would like run
look at me and just turn around and leave the room.
Like they wouldn't say no, they wouldn't say yes.
They would just like stare at me and like walk away.
And sometimes they'd walk in like opposite directions
and we're all near the same age.
And I'd be like, no, no, no.
And then I, so then I go to Eric and I'd be like,
so should I ask him again later?
Do you think I asked the wrong way?
Like what?
And he would be like, I don't know.
I don't care.
Don't talk to them at all.
It doesn't even matter.
And I'd be like, no, no, I know we can be friends.
I know it'll be great.
I'm just trying to think like how to relate to them.
And he'd be like, don't, don't even try.
Do not try to relate to them.
Oh, and now like after we've been married seven years,
so like after like maybe like our five and a half,
six years, I was like, you know what?
I quit.
I completely quit.
And like I've had to block one of them on Facebook,
which is a whole thing.
Every time I post something cute about the boys
and the little sister can't see it,
the mom calls me.
Well, she can't see it.
Could you text it to her?
And I'm like, I would love to,
but I'm still, she's still blocked on Facebook.
Like it is the most bizarre.
It's so bizarre.
And part of me is like,
I bet you wish you went to coffee with me five years ago.
Don't you?
Because now you're blocked on Facebook.
It's so relatable.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
It's so.
Nuts.
It's so insane.
Oh my word, that's funny.
Oh, I like how you tell stories, Holly.
But next time, if there's time,
I'll tell y'all about the family pictures
that we took on Christmas
where one sister punched the other sister in the stomach.
Yes.
It was like, and I was like,
did you see that?
Did you?
You need to just tell it now.
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Here we are all together.
Okay.
Are you okay, Kari?
Are you like dying inside?
Like, oh God, here she goes.
Yeah, that's cute.
Yeah.
So we're like taking family pictures
and my mother-in-law is really wonderful
and I really like her so much,
but she asks questions in a condemning way.
So she'll say, is that shirt new?
And you're like, cause you hate it?
Cause it's ugly?
Cause I look terrible in it?
Because I don't know what, like you can't,
there's always like this tone
and it like, she goes up at the end of all her sentences
and so it's like this question
and if you answer it wrong, you're a bad person.
Like, I don't know what it is.
And so anyway, she asked her older daughter
who had just cut her hair really short,
which the parents were very upset about, of course.
And she was like, oh, are you wearing your hair like that?
And the older sister started screaming, just screamed.
So Fran and I are upstairs like getting dressed
for the pictures and then this like screaming starts
and I'm like looking at him like, what do we do?
Should we go down?
Should we listen?
Could I listen?
Could I open the door?
Because I'm gonna need to know what's going on
because I'm gonna need, I'm the only one in the house
that's gonna be able to smooth this over later.
And if I can't smooth it over,
I'm gonna be stuck in this house
for three or four days of silence and I will lose it
because I am a sad, unloved puppy dog
that is desperate right now.
And so it's just like, so anyway, it's about her hair.
You always have to look at my hair.
So she's screaming and then there's this whole dynamic
where like the dad cannot step in and be like,
you will not scream at your mother.
You 30 something, like you will,
we will not have this in the house.
You know, whatever.
He can't lay down the line
because the mom wants to keep the peace.
So if he's like, you may not do that,
then she's like, no, no, no, no.
That'll make her more mad.
And here's the deal, the older one,
you do not wanna make her mad.
I mean, she will punish you.
It is, I don't wanna be weird,
but it is like a spirit of Leviathan.
It is nasty.
You do not wanna go there,
which I found out the hard way.
So it's like, so she's screaming,
then she starts, you know, and the mom is like,
no, I love her, no, I love her hair.
It's fine.
Don't even worry about it.
It's fine.
Okay, it's fine.
Which is then the phrase,
which you know means it's not fine.
And so it's just like this whole thing over and over.
So the little sister is now coming down the stairs.
The big sister who's been screaming
is coming up the stairs and she is so enraged.
She just like, with her momentum, just like gut punches,
the younger one of the stomachs,
she goes down the stairs, starts like heaving.
Oh, she just got punched in the stomach. And then the, and here's the thing, my older,
my older sister-in-law has a little boy and is not married, but she has a little boy.
And so he's like probably three at the time, maybe four. So he's like, you know, like,
why is it, why is everybody crying and screaming? Cause now my mother-in-law is in the kitchen
crying and my father-in-law is like, you shouldn't let her talk to you like that. And she's like,
promise me you won't say anything or she won't smile for the pictures, which she did it.
So we took all of these family pictures and the little sister the whole time was like,
I can't breathe. Oh God, I can't breathe. And I'm like sitting there with her, like
with Will, who's like a baby. And I'm like, what do we do? And the older sister-in-law
would not smile in any of them. So then, and this is what the mom asked for every Christmas.
I just want us all to be together. And I just want to take family pictures. And then what
does everyone complain about is the family pictures. And so now when everybody complains
about them, like we're, I'm like, we're all like between 33 and 40. So nobody gets to complain
about family pictures anymore because you're grownups and it's done. And so now like when
everybody's like, are we color coordinating? Which is always my idea. Like, are we color
coordinating this year or whatever? I'm like, listen, this is what Kathy wants for Christmas
and we're giving it to her because it takes 20 minutes and she's wonderful and she cooks
us meals for a week. And so we will do whatever she wants for, I will do whatever she wants for
20 minutes because I don't want to cook for a week. Okay. I don't care what it, I'll stand on
my head, just shut up, put a sweater on like, geez. Anyway, but it is like, every time we have
to take a family picture, I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. So that's what you were referring to in those
comments. You're just like, how do you handle this kind of like dynamic, you know, like for
yourself? You were saying like, when you're in a situation. I figured out with them pretty much
like there is no handling it. Like I don't have any authority there and my husband does not want
to have anything to do with them. And so it's just, it's just these like holiday scenarios where
we're like in the same house together for days. And even in that, I've had to put down boundaries
with the boys. Like I've, I've been like, I don't want my boys in this atmosphere. So we will go for
this event and we will go for that event. And then, and then we live an hour away. So now it's a lot
like, okay, we come home at night period. You know? So, I mean, a lot has, has changed and has really
benefited from that, but my husband doesn't want any relationship with his sisters at all. And so
and they don't try, but that's our fault. You know, like, I don't know. I don't know.
You can't, here's the deal. It's a, it's offense. It's a spirit of offense. And it really is this
Leviathan thing where like you even say something to them and it gets twisted in the air of like
what they hear and they can't receive anything. And so it's just a mess. It's just a huge disaster.
And I don't, I feel like the Lord has basically said to me, like, you don't have the authority
to do anything here and everything you try to plant gets eaten by the crows. So just like
keep your peace and hush it. Like keep your peace and be quiet and go on. And I'm like,
no, I know. But, but for a long time I was like, but I want them to be my friends.
I know there does come a point. It's interesting where, where Jesus, you know, told the disciples,
he said, you know, at some point, if they don't receive you, you know, shake the dust of your,
of their, of their town off of your sandals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's the boat that I'm in right now. I've can literally count on one hand,
the number of times that I've spoken to my parents since my mom hung up on me on Christmas morning.
Oh, so, I mean, it's, it's one of those things where I don't know, I should feel worse than I
do now. Ashley knows what I went through at the time, but now I'm like, it's been really
peaceful around here. So yeah, what do you do? I mean, you have to kind of, I was trying to
shield my girls from the negativity and not let it carry down and it's been really peaceful. So,
and I feel like there needs to be some kind of reconciliation. And the last few times we spoke,
there was, but you could tell that they're more guarded. Like they don't know how to
talk to me. So just don't. So yeah, I don't know. Definitely different.
I think sometimes when you, when you carry such a spirit of Christ, like
you do stuff, it's sort of what the demon said to Jesus.
I think this is when he cast him into the pigs.
They looked at him and they said,
what do we have in common with you?
Like you can't, like don't,
like we see that we have nothing in common with you,
but it's not our time to be tortured.
And he like honored, you know, the time and the season,
but like when there's nothing in common
or like the baseline is in commonality,
then the baseline's not commonality
and you can't get close.
And that's painful, that's painful.
And I think sometimes you have to sort of grieve that
when it's your birth family or, you know,
that kind of a thing,
but then it does leave you with the peace
of being with people that you have commonality with.
Oh yeah.
That seems strange, but I don't know.
I think there's, I think there's truth in that somewhere.
And I kind of ate my words with the whole quarantine thing
because I literally said,
we're not doing a birthday party.
We're not doing this.
And I had this whole list of things we're not doing.
Well, then we weren't allowed to,
we were locked down in West Virginia.
It was like, huh, convenient.
So now mom's like, oh, as soon as we're out of this,
we're having a big cookout.
And the girls were like, do we have to go?
Can we go fishing?
I want to go out on the kayaks.
Do we have to go?
I'm like, of course, Dan's over here like,
yeah, we can go fishing.
So.
I love it.
How old were your girls, Steph?
14, 12, nine, and four.
Oh my gosh.
You look like you're 27.
I'll take that.
Thank you.
Yes.
Did you have children in high school?
Which I would not condemn you for.
I'm just like, what?
I know.
We were at a small group the other day
and one of the girls I was getting to know,
she was like, I have a 12 year old.
And I was like, did you have her when you were 16?
Joking.
Because she looked so young.
Turns out, yes, she had her when she was 15.
And I was like,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
I was like, oh, I have just done it now.
I was like, I am such a jerk.
I am so sorry.
I only meant that you look very young.
I am.
And she was fine with it.
I mean, she's like a mature believer.
She was like, no, I get where you're coming from.
You don't know my story, you know, whatever.
But I was like.
I was teasing Dan.
I was like, we're having our anniversaries next month.
And I said, hmm, 19 years.
I will have been married to you for half my life.
He's like, wow.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Congratulations, to 19 years.
That's really special.
Well, it's good to visit with y'all.
Good to see y'all.
So I hope y'all, I hope you get your tassels done, Holly.
Has it been distracting?
No, no, I've loved it.
Not at all.
I've loved it.
Yeah, it's great.
I'm just really curious about like what you do with them.
That's what I do.
Yeah, same here.
Oh yeah, I'll show you.
Okay, so I had this like great idea
to sell tassel balloons on my website.
Cause everything else I do is just like local and custom.
And, and I mean, I can't really ship anything.
And so I was like, oh, sell these tassels.
And then I, and the tassels are a lot of work,
like legitimately a lot of work.
I don't know if I can show you.
Okay, so I did this one last night.
Do you see the tail of it?
Okay, so the balloon is like three feet.
Like it's like huge and I put confetti in it.
And then, but I have to like fold all these tassels.
And Frank is downstairs watching TV,
like folding tassels for me.
And he is so wonderful,
but he is like not helpful with my balloon.
It's like, he's like, why do I have to do anything?
And I get it.
Okay, fine.
But like, sometimes I'm like,
because I'll be up until two,
or you could do it with me
and I'll be up until midnight, please.
And so, and he really will help me,
but I got, I just got a text message
while we were doing this.
And then Gal was like, we moved our party to the fifth.
So instead of tomorrow,
which I literally paid 40 bucks to get these tassels
in time, because she made a last minute purchase
on my website.
She was like, oh, because of the stay at home,
not the, but North Carolina is still have,
I mean, we are like in this super lame phase two nonsense,
which nobody is paying attention to
unless you're like having a party.
And you're afraid that your Cold War neighbors
are gonna snitch on you,
which is just my opinion of all of this.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
And anyway, so they had to change it.
So now I'm like, oh, I don't have to fold tassels
for all these months, but she ordered six of them.
and so you do like a six foot tassel but it's like varying colors and it's
anyway that's what it is but it looks phenomenal oh yeah um that's cool and i really i charge for
them because they're a lot of work i really charge for them but people it is so weird to
me what people will pay for balloons like i would never i would never because i'm such a tightwad
and um but great sounds like you're doing a really great job with your vision
i love it thanks girl thank you i always love seeing your pictures that you put
thank you that's fun anyway thank you so much for um i'm sorry i'm sorry i talk so long i always
try to be mindful of it and then i just go after it and i'm that is actually one of the shifts
about my identity that i want to make because i do get um like self-conscience but i can't
stop talking and telling stories and then when it's over i'm like you're such an idiot you
talked for 30 minutes there were eight people on that call shut up why are you still talking
and i'm like no no i think i get nervous and that's my i'm always like yay it's holly
so yeah everyone likes that when you start talking holly i watch it i watch the screen so
you guys are so sweet i need some revelation in that because that's what i like i don't have
anxiety but i will lay in bed and be like why did you tell all of that information
like i would lay in bed tonight and be like why did you tell them about the first year of your
marriage and your sister-in-law's in the same call it's too much
one of those little annoying dogs it's like people people people so
yeah these are like grown-ups that can relate yeah that's so true
ashley do you remember carissa k from laturno
i think so wait no carissa carissa carissa carissa okay uh okay well does she have red curly hair
no okay well then no i don't remember okay well she had this thing she was a good friend of mine
and she has this thing where she would be the same way but she like really shares tmi and um
um and then she would like stab herself and she'd be like too much too soon
i would like die every time i was like ah it's so funny too much too soon
that is so cute i need to remember that yeah you know one of the things that i learned
because i used to be very self-condemning myself about about ways that i was and um things that
i thought that people didn't enjoy about me and it was only since coming into my identity that i
realized certain things that were a strength that i that people that i had been around for years
would get on to me for and tell me to change because they would tell me that i was a burden
to other people and that's not the word that they would use sometimes you say stuff ashley and i'm
like who in the he double hockey sticks are you hanging out with three of them and hang out with
me and step they wouldn't say they wouldn't say that i was a burden i'm saying that what they
would say is they would um how would i describe it they would uh for one thing they thought that
i talked in entirely too much detail that i told stories in entirely too much detail in my mind i'm
going no but that's where the story is that's that's the joy of the story is that colors the
story otherwise everyone just wants no ashley we just want that one the uh the crayon the black
and white crayon drawing i'm like you don't you want me to color it and add it like add it and
make it like and shade it so that you actually see it's 3d and you can enjoy it which is a totally
different experience and honestly makes the story and the point of the story totally different
than just like the structure of it but but i mean i was just teased and i was people just
people would interrupt me in my story and and it would just make me feel unimportant so that was
one example and there were other examples as well where things that i just felt um uh that i that i
didn't i came to receive what they were saying as a lie about myself that it was um uh that i would
that i was a burden that i wasn't enjoyed that i didn't have a contribution that what it was that
i had to give was not a contribution so the lord has had to actually remove me from a lot of
situations to get me by himself understand my identity in because understand that everything
i've been doing to try to please other people and to change my
health, et cetera, wasn't working.
So in December of 2018, I totally abandoned that idea
and jumped both feet into another camp
because I was desperate enough.
Desperate enough to live my life a different way
and totally shut off what everybody else was saying
and what I had believed and out of desperation,
choose to believe that life was actually different.
And in many ways, well, in all ways actually,
it went down to who I believed God was
and who I was in relationship to him.
And so when I did that, I began to see the things
that I had been told for many decades
were a problem to other people.
And so I've now discovered since that those same things
are a blessing to other people.
Yeah, like you're calling, hello.
But the people that I was around were not receiving it
and so, but they weren't, and that was their choice.
But other people were right for receiving what it is
that I had to bring as a valuable contribution.
And so I, so yeah, I had to switch in
into all of that as well.
But my point is that just because you think
that something is bad, we don't,
or that other, that is a burden to other people
and we're trying to be self-critical enough
so that other people don't call us out on it,
it was actually that we were around people
that couldn't receive the value
and couldn't appreciate the value of what it is
that we had to bring.
And we just have to trust ourselves
and trust what it is that the Lord put in us
and understand that, that those just are simply people
that can't receive it.
It doesn't mean anything about me and about my contribution.
So you're telling all of these stories, for instance,
you know, and you never know if you're just being,
you know, when you're just being led by the Spirit
and just say things, I have said things in my sessions
that I thought, oh my word, I think I just said too much.
I think that some people aren't there
to be able to receive that,
or I think that that probably just like dropped a bomb
and it scared them or whatever.
And I've just had to let it go
and just know that you never know
how God's gonna use something.
And those are sometimes the things that people pull out
and they're like, oh my word, Ashley,
everything changed when you said this.
Yeah.
You know?
So, I mean, the same thing with you, Holly,
your storytelling, your personality, your character,
all of that is such a blessing
and I can just watch other people's faces just light up
when you're just telling a story
and you're not even requiring any interaction.
So just to let you know, it really is a blessing.
It's a light.
All of the people that I have invited
to be part of the Rest Intensive,
in fact, the people that I continue to do so,
I vet very carefully to make,
because I wanna protect this community.
I wanna protect the environment
so that we all understand
that we're safe people to share things with
and that we're all serious about shifting,
that we're all serious about,
in other words, they're all people
that I'd like to be friends with.
I'd like to hang around with.
Either people I'm already friends with
or people that are new that I'm just being introduced to.
And I'm like, these people are special.
I sense things in the spirit to determine whether or not,
you know, but whether or not we want to have them,
you know, join us in this journey
and whether the Lord desires for me to invest in them.
My point is that each of us has a particular spirit
that the others need,
and that is enriching to the others.
And so we shouldn't think that there's anything
that any of us needs to be talking about in this group
that we apologize,
that we should feel that we have to apologize for.
It's a gift to everybody else.
So thank you, Holly.
That's good.
Okay, I have one nosy question for you.
Uh-huh.
All of these messages that sort of gave you pause
and made you realize that you needed to jump
from one camp to another,
can I just ask, is that your family
or is that like a church family
that you've been part of for however long?
This is not my business, I'm just curious.
That I needed to jump?
It was, see, some of it were family members, absolutely.
And then some were, it was just church or school
that I, mentality.
But regardless, everybody that I was around,
I was around very few people that were actually mean to me.
Everybody that I was around loved me tremendously.
But they would say things in their own brokenness
for seeing life as what it made them feel like
and what it made them not feel like.
And then projecting that on to me and I see that as a lie about myself
Yes, and so I take full responsibility
For it now the things that they said we're not always kind
And so just because someone loves someone doesn't make it make what they've done a lot or said a loving thing to do
But I take responsibility for the fact that I need to
Overcome this because I'm the one who chose to receive it as a lie whether or not I I
Intentionally did it it was subconscious and but I received it anyway, because I didn't know my identity in order to refute it
And I just believe that that overpowered it. So yes, some of it is family. Some of it is and as church family some of it
Is that I received and some some hurt from you know
The college church that you and I went through a lot of it actually or not a lot of what I'm talking about
But I actually received some very
Actually deep wounds that things that I still remember and I asked me that. I'm sorry. I invited you
Are you kidding? No, it was so but I know I know
Don't I totally know?
Yes
So, so anyway, so that was that was, you know surprising to me within and then other things that like the school that I grew up in
You know, it just it's just people being people and being broken. Yeah to other people in their brokenness
And then we choose how we receive it. So in and I just was received it in a in an extremely self-condemning way
Anyway, yeah
Well, I'll let y'all go good to visit it's good to visit with you yes, definitely
I'll talk to y'all later. Y'all. Have a good night. Okay, you too. Bye. Bye Stan. Bye Holly