Okay.
Hey, Chris.
Hey, hello.
How are you?
Good. How are you, Ashley?
Doing all right.
I am eating.
Oh, you're fine.
Enjoy it.
I am very full.
I'm very full.
I'm very rich. And so I am very satisfied.
That's good.
Am I early?
What?
No, no.
It's six.
Is it six for you? Yeah, it's a nine.
It's nine.
What state are you in?
South Carolina.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah. So that's why I do it.
So late on the East coast is because there's people joining from the
West coast, et cetera.
And so it's just kind of, if I, if I don't do it.
If I do it any earlier, well, then it hits people on the.
West coast.
Like literally while they're trying to walk out of the office.
So.
Where are you?
I'm in Atlanta, Georgia.
Okay.
Are you on the West coast, Chris?
Yeah, I'm in California.
Oh, I love California.
Area.
Oh, wow.
Beautiful.
Yeah.
Rita, where are you?
I'm in Dallas, Texas.
Okay.
Yeah. I don't know why I keep forgetting that.
I don't know.
I've I've met up with her.
And so anyway,
Rita's known that mutual friend for like 10 years or something like
that. And so that's how Rita and I got connected.
And so seriously, Rita, we need to make,
make sure that sometime I'm in town, I get to meet in person.
Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah.
I think how many people in the rest intensive.
Several people in the rest.
If not most of them.
I finally ended up meeting in person.
So anyway, that was when I was like traveling around.
And so it meant so much to me to get to see people and hug their
necks in person.
How are you feeling?
Me.
Yeah.
I'm doing all right.
How are you feeling?
I'm feeling guilty for not being down there.
I'm sorry.
It's been a hard day.
Well, I had a babysitter today.
So it was like, they're wanting,
they're all three of them are just wanting their mom and their dad.
And now there's only their dad and they all want him.
And so it's just like one of those days.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yes.
I do have a, a.
I do have a conference that we have going on here.
And it's really fun.
We're exciting. And, and so anyway,
but they've switched to preaching now.
So anyway, so.
I stayed as long as I could listen to a lot of prophetic words.
He was like calling people out in the audience. He's like,
I'm looking for somebody whose middle name is in.
And he was like, okay,
so you're like,
so you're using words of knowledge?
Like he'll know their,
their grandmother's name or their maiden name or their.
You know, or he'll get a Bible verse. And in fact, it was so funny.
It was, it was fascinating.
He was saying that he eventually,
he was going through that with one of the ladies. And then he said,
Oh, you know, I don't know.
I don't know.
And then he'll get some, like her daughter, her son, her, her last name.
You know, or whatever.
And, and then like, I don't, I don't know.
Whatever sometimes he gets people's birthdays. In fact, yeah.
That's another thing he got. He's like may 7th.
He's like, I'm getting may 7th. And she said, that's my birthday.
So anyway, so they went through all of that.
And then at one point he said, Oh,
there was somebody in her family that she'd been praying for.
And he said, well, and so we stopped and listened for a while.
And he said, okay, I believe that the Lord is saying that before the,
he said, do you live in a place that has some snow?
And she said, well, kind of, sort of,
and I don't remember where she said that she lived, but anyway, she said,
yeah, we get a little bit of snow.
And so he said, okay, well, the Lord's telling me that before.
Before the ice.
And he said, well,
the Lord's telling me that before the ice.
And he said, well,
the Lord's telling me that before the ice.
or melted. He said, it's Milton. He said, I'm hearing before the ice is Milton, then
you're going to see whatever from, you know, you'll see your, uh, uh, that the Lord all
like meet your family and maybe the, and maybe your father will or come to Christ or something
like that. And she said, that's my last name. My last name is Milton. Oh, okay. Well, there's
that too. So he's really fascinating how he, how I've never listened to somebody speak
prophetically like that, where he'll get words of knowledge. And then like, like multiple
people stand up with like the same thing. And then, so he starts narrowing it down.
Okay, well, I'm getting this. And then only two people are left and okay, I'm getting
this and only one person left. He's like, okay, we're going with you. And then he keeps
going and then like, oh, that's my brother or that's my birthday. Or that's literally
the street that I live on or whatever. And, um, anyway, so that's what I liked. He did
is he did three prophetic words and I was like, oh, I gotta leave. So, all right, well,
um, I'll go ahead and get started. I enjoyed getting to see, um, the journey posts that
people have been posting. Um, Casey, I got to see yours. I really enjoyed those and Cicely,
I saw your questions and your most recent post. So I'll be able to get to, um, those
and answer everything. Um, does anyone, uh, and y'all can bring up those questions if
you want to, uh, if you wanted to do them now, you'll have to remind me of which ones
they are because I bet, I bet a little bit of time has passed since then. Uh, or we can
something else. So does anyone have anything that they wanted to open us up with?
I guess I have a question and this is something I kind of experienced. I guess I'm experiencing.
Well, so I feel like when I'm by myself and I have more space in my life, I feel like entering
into rest is easier and more simple. Yeah. But the challenge comes when the kids are fighting
dinners on the stove, the doorbell rings and it's like, freak out. Like, what do I do? Like,
what do you do with that? Well, it becomes easier. So the thing is, that's why it's easier.
That's why I, one of the reasons why I give people those exercises is because you're strengthening a
muscle, so to speak. That's a really bad way to phrase it because really what you're doing is you
are it, when you have fewer distractions, fewer promptings, if you will, to start acting out of
habit and to start reacting. Cause that's what we've ended up building a lot of our lives around
is not living offensively, but rather defensively. Like we just, we, our lives from the time we get
up to the time we go to bed or we have out of habit started dictating them according to what
comes at us. And then we end up, and then we end up deciding what it is that we're going to do,
et cetera. So it's just old habits and old perspectives of how we view life and how we
think we're supposed to approach life. What we think that we're responsible for is, okay, we're
just, that's one of the reasons why we kind of live in so much, why a lot of people live in so
much anxiety. It's kind of like waiting for the shoe to drop, like what's going to come at me next
that I have to be ready for. So that's why I recommend these exercises in doing them in a way
that where it's at a time where you're a little more quiet, less distracted, et cetera, so that
you become familiar with making a particular choice or a decision. In other words, you're
just kind of like shifting, you're shifting your consciousness, you're shifting your awareness
towards something else that you are making a decision. This is more valuable to me. And this
is what it is that I'm going to base my value in, in life. I'm not in my reaction, but in the Lord
or whatever. So, yeah, it's more challenging with all of the distractions, but it obviously can
still be done. And one of the things that I always try to do is, is try to make sure that
people understand how simple all of this is supposed to be. But I know that because I tend
to try to flesh out and explain what I mean, people can take the amount of volume, the volume
in which I'm talking about something and the amount of time at which it takes me to talk about
it. They, they think that it's that big. It's really not that big. It's, I just try to explain
it so that people can kind of like grab a hold of it and understand, but it really is very simple
of things just like, so I recommend just grabbing like the simple things. It's like, okay, if all
All of that happens.
Like the kids are doing this and the telephone rings and, you know, when
supper's on the stove and you're in the middle, it's in the middle of boiling.
I don't know.
And all of a sudden everything happens.
One of the, one of the things that I, that I do first is I remember
to like, take my mind off of, and it'll just be in, I don't know, it probably
only takes about a second and a half, something like that is to kind of,
because again, I've practiced it.
In other words, I know what it is I'm trying to do.
And so I just repeat.
I'm like, okay, I know what I'm doing.
So I'm just going to do this, but it's an intention of my
free will in that situation.
Not something that just comes to me or feels natural.
It's me exerting my free will of like, no, I am making a choice.
Um, and, uh, so that's one of the reasons why I was talking the other day about
the importance of maturing our will so that we understand our right and claim
our right and to make a decision.
Um, and, uh, and to basically own our, our right to make a decision so that
you feel more confident, no matter what is going on around you.
And that is, is, uh, requiring all of your, uh, in demanding your time and
attention that you choose you first.
You're like, nope, I'm going to make my choice.
And all it does is it takes like a second, second and a half.
I'm like, nope, I'm making a frugal decision.
This is what's important to me.
And then I immediately just start just, I, how, how'd I put that?
I start doing the really simple things like sometimes in which goal, I think
you said that you it's the next session that you're going to, I think you
mentioned that in your, uh, live that, or your video that the next one that
you'll be doing, which is the last one is rest shifting tools.
And so the second one in there is I just tell myself stop.
So it's like, I am my spirit.
I talked to my soul and my body and just like, okay, whatever is
creating your anxiety, just stop.
Just all of this.
I just let it go.
And so you, you practice that enough where you realize what it is that you're
doing so that it's easier when you've got a lot of things that are in your face,
clamoring for your attention and tempting you to go the old route where you think
that you were subject to in victim of whatever comes at you and you have to
respond to it and you're not, you are not under any obligation.
So that's one of the things that's one of the other benefits or reasons why I
explain, you know, the importance of like choosing our right to ourselves
so that in those situations, we stop feeling so obligated to react.
Now, I mean, you know, I'm not talking about these things like get reactions
of like the child's running in the street.
Well, then you just, you just do a chap shoot, you know, you go based off of
instinct and you go based off of, you know, um, what the Lord put in us.
So I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about, it feels like hell is breaking loose, but if you're,
if nobody's dying, there's no blood, everybody's just upset.
And then all of the, and the doorbell's ringing and the pot is boiling.
We're not in a life or death situation, but what we've trained ourselves is when
something is coming at me, I am required to respond, I'm obligated to respond.
And then that anxiety, you know, increases and then, um, and, uh, then
we end up being victim to or enslaved by things outside of us and we're
giving our giving power over to it.
So we have to choose, Nope, I'm not under any obligation.
And then, and then you just kind of like quiet yourself with like various
tools that I, that, um, that I suggest in there, and usually the fastest
one is to just tell yourself, okay, whatever it is that's going on, just
And then you, uh, and then you just kind of choose yourself and realize
I'm not under obligation for anything.
I can let the pot boil over the kids can scream for just one more second.
And I don't have to rush to the door.
I can have a moment.
You are in charge, not only of you, but of your home and you take charge,
meaning like for your internally, the only way you can actually legitimately
take charge outwardly is if you've taken charge inwardly.
So you do that, you choose yourself first, because if you don't choose
yourself first, you won't have what everyone else needs.
The person at the door, all the kids in the pot, they're all waiting on you.
So you have to, you have to have you to give.
And so when you do, you will also notice that when we're not as reactive
and we actually just thought we actually don't, we don't react to situations.
We stopped for just a second and then making a decision of like, okay,
now what do I want to do?
Meaning like not what I want to do is in like, what feels good.
I mean, like me of my own free.
Well, how do I want to handle the situation?
How do I want to handle the kids?
How do I handle how to handle the pot?
How do I want to handle the door?
You have that right to decide.
So, um, I know it sounds really weird and it sounds selfish, but
you're choosing yourself first.
You're like, who does God say that I am?
Is God good or not?
And who is, he made me to be.
And, and, uh, and so anyway, that kind of helps in those situations, but yeah, it'll
just get, it'll just get easier.
Um, I still struggle with that.
My goodness.
Uh, you know, I have to, I have to do this all day, every day.
So, but I promise you it does get easier.
It's just that more of my flesh is being exposed as I run into new situations or
people, or sometimes even old situations, but, you know, always at a deeper level.
And, um, and so I just choose, do I want to feel obligated and enslaved, or do I
want to live in power and freedom by choosing that I am who God says that I am?
And one of those, one of the, um, helps to that is to choose yourself, um, and to
realize you're not under any obligation to do any of it, to react to any of it.
That that is all of those things that want your attention.
It is, it is there.
Um, uh, it is your gift to them, to respond in the way that you choose to give
yourself, um, it, oh, and so that was the other thing I was going to say when you
stop and actually approach life from that perspective of like, you're choosing how
it is that you want to handle it.
And you give yourself a moment and you handle it offensively instead of
reactively everything in your life, including your children over time will
become more peaceful because a lot of times there are things in this spirit
slash soul, whatever you want to call it that are responding to our fear or
responding to our anxiety and parents who have a very, very anxious.
And I've worked with some parents who are extremely anxious, extremely
their children battle major anxiety.
And they don't know that, that, that, that was created because
of the anxiety of the parents.
Um, and they don't, they don't know that.
So anyway, the thing is that, um, uh, and I don't believe that's in anybody in here.
I don't believe that it's any of y'all's households.
I'm just mentioning that I've actually watched that kind of thing.
I've seen that thing kind of play out.
And, uh, so regardless, even if they're like, even if we're talking like little
kids and they're not anxious, there's an element of, of fear when a parent
is more operates more reactively and basically in the home and they
realize that their parent, that they have that power to cause their
parents to react instead of guide them.
That does not make a child feel safe.
So anyway, I was just mentioning that it's like yet another benefit of it's
not, of the more and more that we shift into rest, we're shifting to that
at operating according to who it is.
Scott says that we are, and we start operating more power and authority
and creation, including other people's souls will begin to change
and respond to that authority because everything, other people's souls,
little souls, you know, or adult souls or aspects of creation are all waiting
for the manifestation of the sense of God.
They're all waiting for a king.
They're all waiting for order.
They're all waiting to feel safe.
And so anyway, so that's just mentioning like a benefit that comes so that our
environments end up changing as a result of us.
So is that helpful?
Okay, good, good.
So, like I said, you know, it'll, it'll come.
So, um, the, you know, what it is that we're talking about in the rest
intensive is to help everybody know.
And under, and, and actually begin to live operating in rest, but to, but to
also understand it and own it for themselves so they know how to, how to
shift into rest and apply it to a variety of situations and examples
that we never end up discussing.
So that's the purpose of this time to help people actually start living it.
But, you know, I'm still learning how to do it to deeper levels.
And, um, and, uh, anyway, so, and remember that even Jesus spent time learning.
He wasn't born knowing he had to learn.
And it says that in the Bible, it says he learned obedience by
the things that he suffered.
Even Jesus learned obedience.
He had to learn obedience, the Bible said.
So, and it doesn't mean that he ever sinned.
My point is that there was a process and a journey.
And so there's nothing wrong with us taking the journey.
We're not condemned along the way because we're not there yet.
So I, part of being in rest is not worrying so much about where it is that
you are like, Oh, well, what, why am I having a difficult time doing this?
Well, I'm just like, I'm just having a difficult time doing this.
You know, I'm just struggling to shift into rest in this area or these types of,
I still am triggered by da da da da da.
I'm like, okay, the more that I let it go and continue to choose the Lord, the
faster I end up shifting in those areas.
It's where I get upset with myself and think, Oh my word, why aren't I past this?
Or why does this still bother me?
Or why does this bother me at all?
When I get, when I, uh, when I get.
concerned about it, it starts slowing the progress of maturity.
I let go of it. I move through it faster.
So, again, just release yourself.
Stop.
I'm not saying you're doing this.
I'm just telling everybody this, you know,
just release yourself and just allow yourself to to journey, not focus on getting
somewhere.
So.
So anyone have something else for us?
I do enjoy looking at y'all, but
that has a question.
Hey, go ahead.
Hi, I'm not sure I had posted the question the other day about and I didn't know if
you wanted to answer it, like aside from this, just about
about the healing journey and about
oftentimes we see in the Bible that Jesus healed instantaneously.
The almost every example of how he healed
instantaneously and just being surrounded in a
church culture where people go after, you know, signs, wonders and miracles and
instantaneous healings.
And those are beautiful to celebrate.
But I mean, what is your understanding of how come we don't?
What would be explanation as to why we don't experience it's more of a process
for a lot of people than it is instantaneous.
Yeah, to be honest, I really don't I really don't know it.
There's that there's an aspect that a friend of mine refers to.
And this is from a friend of mine who's
extremely sick, extremely.
And he said that sometimes it's that there that there's something.
So in other words, I'm telling you that something that somebody else said that's
actually like walks that has to walk this out with the Lord daily.
And he said that we all want an instantaneous whatever,
whether it's an instantaneous healing or it's something else, something else that
God talks about in scripture as an aspect of our inheritance.
Why can't I walk in it now?
Why can't I just like cross this threshold and boom, I'm there and boom,
I'm experiencing it, my life just changes, you know, flips on a dime.
And so one of the things that he talks
about is the fact that there is a he doesn't know why that it doesn't happen
instantaneously and have a lot of people that are in people that I know and people
that my husband knows and both of us have said under various different healing
trainings and the people of those two trainings talk about the fact that they
have like walked with and and personally helped, you know,
personally been involved with the Lord in healing people and raising people
from the dead. Right.
You know, these aren't these aren't amateurs.
They know what they're doing and they have studied it and they train other people,
et cetera, meaning studied it in scripture and they've trained other people, et cetera.
And they will tell you both the people
that trained and the people that train and the person that trained me is
is they will say sometimes we don't know
why it either takes a while or why the person doesn't get healed at all.
And so these are people who are literally
known around the world for their healing ministries.
And they even say there's an as weird as it sounds,
there's still a mystery sometimes to an aspect of healing.
So we don't know why.
And so I say that to say we don't know why sometimes it takes a process.
It's it's a journey instead of instantaneous.
And that goes for more than just physical healing.
It goes for internal healing, goes for inner wounds.
It goes for generational
healing from things that have come to our DNA from the generations or,
you know, I don't know, stepping into a new measure of our inheritance.
We don't know why it's it takes time while other people were instantaneous.
Like some people stop being drug addicts
instantaneously by a touch from the Lord and other people have to battle it.
They have to battle through the withdrawal
or people who had homosexual lifestyles and then some of the you know,
some of them actually have to just make a decision between them.
Oh, Lord, OK, Lord, I don't believe you know,
I believe that you're telling me this is this is now wrong.
And but now they they still have to have to battle that, you know,
those old urging's and all of that stuff.
And so for some people, it's a process and some people it's instantaneous.
Like it can make God look and feel to us
is very unfair if we're viewing him through the world's eyes and not through
his eyes. But anyway, so back to what my friend said,
I got a little and went on a little bunny trail there.
My friend says that there is something very special in in actually going
through the process, because that means that you are overcoming in a very unique way.
And he said that from, from what he believes and, and has kind of like, uh, I don't, he
didn't explain this to me, but, but just kind of like what it is that he had it.
So I'm, this is me not putting words in his mouth, but trying to explain to you what I
know that, uh, what I believe, you know, um, is his background is I believe that he is
just kind of like what it is that he's observed or, or quote unquote learned from others,
whatever is that there seems to be an interesting measure that in gifting that God provides
for those who've actually gone through the process of overcoming the way that he explains
it is then you, those people have something to give other people that are struggling,
that the people that were instantaneously touched by God don't seem to have.
I'm not telling you that I understand that.
I'm not even telling you that's what I believe.
And I'm teaching.
I, because I don't fully know that is something that a friend of mine who teaches about this
kind of thing talks, says, he says that there is some kind of a special thing, like as if
you have received something you can now give away because you overcame, you went through
that process with the Lord.
I don't mean you overcame of your own power.
I mean, you went through the process with the Lord and that was an overcoming that enables
you to now have something between you and the Lord that you can now spiritually impart
to other people.
He said that in a, and I, again, he didn't word it this way, but it sounds, but from
what I under, this is how I understood, cause I've heard him talk about this multiple times
from what I understand.
It seemed to me like he was saying the people that just get instantaneously like either
healed or something else there's, they don't have some, I don't, I don't even fully understand
it.
They don't have it to give away.
That's how he simplistically puts it.
Um, but, um, I mean, I personally know of people that I pray for all kinds of things
for the spirit to come on all kinds of people, um, including healing and, uh, and God will
amazingly heal other people, but they are not getting healed, you know, or, uh, there
are some, usually the people, at least from, from my research, the people that, uh, that
are used to preach something usually battled the strongest with what it is that they preach.
Like for instance, the people who, um, uh, who are known for healing ministries, they
typically have someone in their family or, you know, close to them that no matter what
they do, they can't get healing for even, even they will take him to other healing ministers
who have healing ministries like theirs and they get prayed and they pray for them and
nothing happens.
And they're going, Lord, I, I, I, I touch people and heal them.
I touch people and raise them Lord from the dead.
And why can't my daughter get healed or, you know, whatever.
So the, and so these people still preach it, still believing it, still knowing it.
And yet this is what they're having to walk out with the Lord in their own private lives.
There's been some things that they prayed for it for their families and boom instantaneously
or the next 24 hours or whatever.
And then including death, you know, I know some of these people like bring them back
from the life, bring them back from death.
It's just amazing.
But then there are other people they pray for and they're like, especially people that
are most dear to them.
And they're like, I don't know why it won't get through.
And so those are the people is that that's an extreme example of what it is you're asking
about.
Like, why is it not instant?
Why is it sometimes not instantaneous?
And sometimes it takes a long time.
Well, I added, well, sometimes it didn't happen at all.
So like, what is the difference between all this?
To be honest, I don't know.
All I know is some of the things, you know, is, and what I, I speak of are the things
that I do believe, you know, about the Lord is in like, um, is in the fact that, well,
he says that we're healed in the spirit.
Okay.
Well, you know, that's, that's from the Lord.
So therefore I believe it.
How does it reconcile with all this other stuff that we're seeing on earth?
I don't know.
All I know is that, but I can't base my faith on what God said.
I can't have faith in it after he reconciles all of this for me, I have to, in a manner
of speaking, abandon it, abandon it ever being reconciled and choose this, why this still
exists.
I don't know, but I don't have to understand all of this in order to choose by faith.
Yeah.
But you said so.
So, and then I just continue to go, continue to go with that.
So in other words, I don't know, but what I've told you is like the best that I can
understand.
And, um, and Ed went in fact, and I were just talking about this the other day
that the lady that, that taught him some things that sat under that he
sat under to learn about healing.
He, and she, and his, uh, and her, her husband had a worldwide healing
ministry that was just, that was deliverance, prayer, inner healing,
physical healing, all kinds of stuff.
And, um, watch thousands and thousands and people and touch them and touch
their lives and trained all of these other people and now have this healing
school and all this good stuff.
And, um, and she's talks about the fact he's that healing is still a mystery,
but of course, God is still a mystery and we believe in him.
And so mystery in God's world is a good thing.
Um, it's not, and he says that he himself is shrouded in darkness.
It says that the treasures of his are found in darkness because we've
associated darkness with evil.
And God never said that that darkness is, is evil.
He says that he is, and mystery is in the darkness and treasures
are found in, in the darkness.
And he just means that treasures are found in mystery.
And, um, so anyway, we don't fully know and have an explanation or at least I
don't, and the people that I've listened to that, like I said, are known for like
raising people from the dead and stuff like that, um, they, they talk about
the fact that for the, for the hundreds of thousands of people that they have
ministered to is that sometimes you just don't know.
So I'm sorry.
I know it's not a pat answer, but it's what it's, it's all that I, it's
all that I know and understand.
And so I just based my faith on what he said and just continue to look and
choose him over what ends up happening.
I've prayed for my healing and I prayed for others healing.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't like I've prayed for people.
I've talked to their soul and their body a long way off and they were healed.
And then I've also talked to myself and I was healed, but I've done that for
other people and I've done that for other ailments of mine and nothing happened.
So what's the difference?
I don't know.
Cause all I know is like, okay, Lord, I keep trying.
And that's what all of the people who, who have healing ministries will say
sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, and they just kept on and they
had to choose God over the results.
Um, and they had to choose God for who he was instead of using
God to try to get the results.
So anyway, that's the best I got.
So, so speaking of that, I think somebody else asked a question recently
about physical healing that I haven't answered yet in the, in the post.
I could just want to run.
I could just talk about that.
Do anybody have an outstanding question?
If not, I can just go in later and answer.
So trying to remember what was, I had one more quick question.
Um, so I had mentioned that when I think about, um, the father and Jesus and holy
spirit, like I feel super connected to Jesus and holy spirit, and that's kind
of always been, but I know there's a disconnect with connecting with the
father and I, and I know that it has to do with my relationship with my earthly
father and having done like all the things, you know, go through the
generational things and all the doing and having powerful conversations with
my family members, all the things.
And there's just nothing, there's just nothing more to do.
And, and, um, but I, I still know that it's like a hindrance.
There's like something there that's blocking.
And so I just don't know if there was anything that any insight you might have
on that and like, obviously I don't want to experience any disconnect and, um,
yeah, and, and without going into do mode of the things I need to do to, to bridge
that gap.
Yeah.
Um, and you're talking about, I'm assuming that you're talking about how to bridge
the gap with God, the father, right?
Not that's what I thought the question was about.
And you were just comparing it to your, your experience with your earthly father.
Um, well, uh, not a really, I had a really wonderful father, but my, uh, I
still struggled with, uh, God, the father, because there were still some things
that, that, um, well, I just struggled with the God, the father just period,
but relationship to my earthly father.
There were some things that, that because he expressed himself in
particular ways and he interact with me in particular ways, I just assumed I
took those things on God, the father as well.
You know, my father's human, just like anybody.
And so even though he was a very good father and I was connected to him and
whatever, there were some very major things that made me, that I struggled
with just as, as a, as a child, where that he's trying to raise, you know, the best.
way that he can. And so I also had to have some aspects of God, the father disconnected from my
earthly father, like how it is that I viewed him and to stop connecting them. And one of the,
one of the things is that I just had to, had to begin to, the best word I can use for it is kind
of like disassociate. I know that that's really challenging, but it was, it was kind of different
than, than disconnecting. And I don't know why that word kind of works for me a bit better,
but to kind of disassociate God and my experience with him and who he is from anything that I could
compare it to here on earth, because there was just so much sin here. There was so much,
um, what's the word? Um, I don't know, just kinks. Uh, so, so, so much that couldn't be
so much independent, um, uh, lack of dependability of, um, of things being consistent or safe or
whatever. And he says that he's the opposite of all of those things that I just said. And so I
realized I can't, like what I was just saying earlier, I couldn't reconcile him to any
experience that I've had. And I had to begin to choose him as very other and my experience with
him to, and start anticipating my experience and interacting with him to be very other,
as opposed to trying to grab a known. And in order to understand an unknown,
it was like, I had to just see, that was the only thing that began to help me finally, uh, break,
stop associating God with past experiences with other people. Um, and, uh, it's just because I
had to kind of think of him as just very other. And again, he keeps saying these things,
but I don't see it regardless of whether I'm like, well, yeah, but I don't see you doing this God,
or I'm like, yeah, but that's not what my father did. So I don't understand or, and a lot of times
our don't understand is really just simply, I don't understand how that can be. It's not that
we don't understand what God's saying necessarily. If he's saying he's good, sometimes it's just
kind of, or like, Hey, I'll always be with you. Sometimes it's just kind of like, how can that,
how can that be? Because we're comparing it to another experience. Um, but using words with
myself, like I have to disassociate from, from my, my father and like experiences with him in order
to choose the Lord that for me was a powerful word. Um, but, uh, I just had to choose that my
experience that Mike's when I approached God that my, to anticipate that my experience was going to
be whatever it is that he gave to me that he had me, uh, Oh my gosh, how do I explain this? I had
it. And then I was, and then I was trying to phrase it. I was like, Oh, that's a perfect way
to describe it. Basically that I approached God and allowed him to show up like he wanted
without me trying to anticipate so that I could, uh, anticipate what he might be like,
or what the interchange might be like, or the experience or the, or the interaction. Um,
and a lot of times we'll try to use our past experience interaction and try to project that
onto the Lord in order to make ourselves feel safe. And like, we're not going like we can,
because if we know what we're going into, we feel better about it. We feel safer and we're not as
scared, you know? And I had to, and I realized that I didn't have enough. God kept saying he
was so different than what it is that I knew that in order that I was, it was keeping me from
believing him. Cause if I kept comparing him to what I knew, then he was never, I never allowed
him. I never believed him to be who he said that he was. So I had abandoned this and then just go
to him and be like, okay, so who are you? Because it, and kind of start coming to him without
preconceived ideas or notions, or quite honestly, in a manner of speaking, even desires, it's not
that I didn't desire him to be something, but I had to, again, kind of like let go of my emotional
requirement of him, that he be something, or you look like something or that he make me feel a
particular way. And I, I, I don't know if that's encouraging to you or not. It's, but it's it's
just kind of what I had to do and something that I have realized. And so I'm just going to take
the time to say this. There are, there, there might be some of you.
that are just really struggling with certain aspects of choosing God, having faith in God, etc.
I never in any way want to make this to seem hard or complicated or anything like that.
And if something is too big of a gap for you to have faith in,
remember what I've said, just agree with and have faith in Him to the degree that you can.
And God calls it good, right? Remember, He looks on you and He calls you good.
There's nothing wrong with you being where it is that you are.
And then the more that you choose that, the more that it kind of like builds your faith,
and then to choose Him a bit more, and then that might just take time.
But the other thing is realize that sometimes there might be many of you, my situation was very extreme.
So that enables me to walk people through this that are also in very extreme situations.
But understand that what drove me to it, drove me to doing this in the way that I did,
where I just would choose God, and where I keep talking about like,
well, I know that it doesn't reconcile and I just like had to abandon things and be very reckless and just had to choose.
That what enabled me to do that was being in such a desperate place where I had tried everything else.
I had vented to people, I had complained, I had not complained and kept it all in and tried to be the good little girl.
And then I had tried and then I allowed myself to be a transparent mess.
I had tried to seek counselors and help and I had tried to do it on my own.
I had tried everything. I'd read the Bible from cover to cover.
I had gotten mad at God. I had been nice to God. I'd done everything and nothing worked.
So finally, for me, it was desperation that allowed me to make very drastic choices.
However, that was my situation. Understand that some of you might be so hurt and so bruised.
So very sensitive as if what you as if you feel.
Now, I had felt abused, meaning like I don't I'm not saying that I was abused.
I'm saying that I the symptoms that I had, it felt like I'd been an abused victim kind of a thing.
It was I was under so much hurt and I was so very sensitive.
I mean, it was like everything in my life just felt like a bruise.
It was just so sensitive to the touch. Right.
So if some of you were to a place where you just feel so sensitive and you can't and none of this stuff is making sense or it's just feels more condemning.
And it just feels too hard and it feels like yet God is just asking one more thing of me.
You know, then what I would mention to you is that I would I would recommend that y'all look for a place where where you might be able to get some healing.
Because then if you were so sensitive that you can't make some of these choices sensitive.
And I don't mean I'm not. I just suddenly realized how some people can take sensitive.
What I mean by sensitive is like someone barely touches you when it hurts.
That's what I mean. I don't mean sensitive in the derogatory way that other people talk about.
But you're just too sensitive. That's not what I'm saying.
I'm talking about you're you're just so bruised and your experiences get you hurt at every turn that if some of this is too big and too much for you, you just may not be where I was to be able to make these choices.
And you need and God wants to heal on you and kind of like walk you through maybe even a a gentle, more gentle path.
And you might just need some personal, spiritual, some healing from from some some spiritual groups.
If any of you need a recommendation, I have the the place that my husband used to volunteer for for years that taught him so much of what he knows about inner healing to the point where he became known for it.
And that's, I mean, he was saying the other day, he's like, Ashley, have you ever heard of so-and-so?
I was like, no, why? And he said, well, someone called the university that he no longer works for.
He no longer he works at Morningstar, but no longer works at the university.
Someone called the university asking for me and that they need me to like meet with them and pray with them and all of that.
Well, he's not any on any of those inner healing teams anymore.
He's now, you know, the director of the School of the Prophets, completely different thing altogether.
And so he was like, who is this person? I don't know.
People who have interacted with him, tell other people, and they're all trying to call
not all of them.
It's not like they're, it happens all the time, but try to contact Morningstar trying
to find this Ed Perez that they can talk to.
My point is that this is the group in, I think they're in, yeah, they're in Florida.
I've been to them.
I went there last, uh, last year, this year.
I don't remember.
It was probably this year.
Yeah, it was.
It was this year.
I went this year for healing because I was so hurt and so wounded.
I needed God to love on me, to meet me in a very traumatic wound that I had from childhood.
And no, it didn't involve a human being.
It was, it was a spiritual attack that, you know, that I never, that I didn't even recognize
what had happened until I think I was in my twenties.
I was in my late twenties, two decades later that I found out, I finally realized that
was a demonic attack that had majorly traumatized me.
And I would start, I, anyway, so Ed finally found out, you know, that I'd had some kind
of a trauma when I was young.
And so, and he started seeing how things were affecting me.
And so he's like, he dropped everything one day and he said, I am literally driving you
down to Florida today.
So we drift and so, and he said, uh, and because he has connections down there, he said, uh,
he set up a prayer time with some people that he knew.
In fact, one of them was his spiritual mom.
He's this really fun black lady.
So she's, she's got herself a little attitude and so she's great.
And so she sat with me and was very gentle with a couple of other ladies and they helped
walk me through spiritual healing from a childhood trauma at five.
So, uh, anyway, I have done it.
And then these are the people that taught my husband how to walk people very gently
through inner healing.
In fact, the guy who's now here at Morningstar, who is over all of the online university students,
he used to, he up until a few months ago was the director of that, of that inner healing
school.
My point is I have a lot of connections down there to the point where I can like verify
these people are kind.
I have been through multiple sessions with them.
They're extremely kind.
They are very gentle.
So if some of y'all are there, that is just fine.
It's just fine.
We're all at different parts of the journey.
That would have been beneficial to me way back when God began taking me on this journey
where I was starting to make these radical choices, but I didn't have that available.
I didn't have anyone around me to, you know, to give me any kind of direction as to where
I could get, how I word this, where I could get lucked on and, and get, and just kind
of get my, um, I don't know, just to have my pain acknowledged, understand that the
people down there that I'm, I'm referring to, they don't, they don't have, have you
talk much, by the way, I just tell you very generally, and then they take you before the
Lord because they want the Lord to heal you.
They're just there as a support so that you don't feel alone.
And so they can kind of like spiritually guide you.
They spiritually prepare the room before, before, and they spiritually prepare themselves.
And then they have God tell you what he wants to tell you.
They do not advise you.
They do not preach to you.
They do not counsel you.
They take you before God and let the Holy spirit very, very, very gently love on you
to begin healing you.
So my point is saying that is I don't want any of y'all, all the rest intensive is supposed
to be hopeful.
It is supposed to make you start relaxing.
And if you're finding that the things that I'm saying actually increased frustration
or anxiety or hurt, or more condemnation that, you know, you're struggling with this, that
and the other, maybe you just need some gentle touch from the Lord, you know, um, and, uh,
so, and then, and then, so I would recommend that to get help everybody get what it is
that they need for where it is that they are.
So the whole point of this is to give you rest and peace in the Lord.
And everybody has a different journey.
The rest intensive is not for everyone.
It's just not because it doesn't click for some people.
It's I believe it's still from the Lord and this is the way he still operates through
all of us, but it just doesn't click for some people, some people, it just doesn't
make sense to them.
It just doesn't meet them where it is that they are or whatever.
So, um, so anyway, I just wanted to mention that in case anybody is feeling frustrated
or if anybody is getting more hurt.
So maybe, and hopefully that that's not the case.
I just wanted to make sure that y'all knew.
that y'all heard from me, if nothing else, that you heard comfort and love and peace and rest,
that I wanted you to hear that you're enough, that you can stop trying. In other words, you stop
putting so much exertion and effort into anything, that you're enough for as you are,
and that you rely on the Lord to help you through things, and that it's nothing harder
than simply choosing. So, and I just try to explain in as best of a way that I can,
of what choosing, of how easy choosing is, and that you can't shift into rest by working for it.
You can't use exertion and sweat in order to enter rest. You have to rest to enter rest.
So, so anyway, I just wanted to mention that in case that was very helpful and like comforting
to people, is that there's nothing that, that if people weren't hearing enough hope and freedom
and love, and just, and just, and lack of condemnation in what I was saying,
it's probably, it might just be that you are so hurt that you can't, that you can't even believe
that you're enough to be able to make a choice. I finally had to get to the point, I was just
desperate enough to make a choice. I didn't think it was worth it. I was just desperate enough,
but that was me. That was my journey. And so that, that clicks with a lot of people.
And some people, that is just not their journey. And that is not their background. And they were
not where I was, wherever that was. So they have a different personality. I'm a very driven
personality very much. And I just like, if I decide that I, if I just get something in my mind,
I drive for it. That's why I was very good as a business consultant. I can have a hard
conversations with people. I was usually the only woman in the room that was making decisions. And
so if that tells you anything, so so anyway, I kind of had to hold my own in life. And so I,
that was just the journey that the Lord took me on. So if you just need to be loved on a bit,
then I happen to know a place. There are other places. You probably have mentors and counselors
and other people that you can go to. I just wanted to mention in case some of you are like me,
and you literally did not have a place to go. I happen to know one it's a, they do it on zoom.
So you don't have to go to Florida. They do it on zoom and it is free. You put in an application
and then they will pray about it. And then they will give different times that, that people that
they can meet with you, et cetera. And, um, for, or a time that they suggest and anyway, but, um,
they don't form they're very interesting. They don't form a relationship with you.
So it's not about, it's not about finally being seen and heard by them because that's not what
they offer themselves. They just offer safety, gentleness, and anonymity in a way. Like you
won't know how to contact these people again. So to speak, I mean, the organization, yes,
but not necessarily the people they take you before the Lord and they let the Lord heal you.
So anyway, for what that's worth, um, what time is it? So we just have seven more minutes.
Does anyone have another question or anything?
If not, I I've got a, I've got a question I can pull up.
Okay. I have a question. I don't want to be the one asking all the questions. Um,
my question has to do with boundaries and the fact that I've always been really awful
at holding boundaries and why that would be and how I can improve in that.
It's usually very much. Um, it's very common in performers. In other words, people that think we
have to work is, um, because that's what it carries over into. We believe that we're responsible for
everybody else because we believe God holds us accountable for literally everything that happens
in our lives and including the lives of those around us. We're just responsible for everything.
Somehow we get that in our minds people, you know, and I could have even told that about you
without you even telling me anything. And the reason for it is I knew when I put you, uh, I
think the very first day I put you in a, um, I put you in a, uh, a, uh, that like when I divided
everybody into the rest groups and I knew I said, okay, Casey's going to be taking charge of that
room, you know, not taking charge, but like, like being the leader of like, okay, you know,
so who wanted to start or, you know, whatever to kind of like help people along,
you were going to be the one to start the conversation. And I knew that because in having
did enough with each of you, I could tell, which if you're, if people act as a leader,
they're usually a performer, meaning that they felt responsible for everyone.
And so they naturally, as soon as they walk into a room, they emotionally start trying
to carry everybody.
They start to be very good at feeling a room because they're trying to figure out where
they're safe.
They're trying to figure out how safe am I?
Leaders are usually develop a great sensitivity to feeling other people because they're trying
to make sure that they're safe and, oh dear, my computer is low on battery, which is very
odd because it shouldn't be, but that also means that we have a tendency to take charge.
I know all this because this is me.
Just a second, I have to plug this in.
But yeah, we have a tendency to take charge of everything, not because we're like wanting
to, but because we feel responsible and we feel that we're going to be held responsible.
And therefore, as weird as that sounds, it makes us feel safe to be in control and in
charge because then if we're responsible for the outcome, like if we're accountable to
God or to our mom when we were young or to, I don't know, to someone else, if we're responsible
for the outcome, then we want to be able to control it.
We feel emotionally responsible for everything.
And so anyway, so that shows that's evidence of a lack of boundary that can, it usually
flows into a lack of boundaries because if you're emotionally responsible for everybody,
yes, you're emotionally, you're responsible for their response.
And so you're going to let them dictate what happens so that you can, so that you can respond
appropriately because if you choose yourself instead of them, you aren't, they could, you
never know how they're going to react and then you're going to be responsible for that.
So you're just going to let them dictate to you in a manner of speaking, how you need
to be flexible and help control the situation, help make sure that they feel okay, you know,
et cetera.
So that's, you're going to allow that to encroach on your own territory and that's because you
feel responsible for them.
And so you'd rather absorb it in order to take care of them.
Does that make sense?
So that's a lack of boundaries.
So anyway, so that's the reason that we do all that, which I feel that that kind of like,
there's an answer in it that didn't really resolve anything, but that's why we do that.
So that makes sense.
It did.
Yeah.
And I learned all of that through myself and then I started noticing it never in other
people too.
And I'm like, oh my word.
So I literally thought I was responsible for everything.
I do mean everything and everyone, and that if, if they got that, no, no matter if anybody
else would look at it and say, oh, well, actually that had nothing whatsoever to do with you
at all.
Even if I could realize and acknowledge that like somebody else's response had nothing
to do with me.
Even if I could realize and acknowledge that I felt, I felt that I was held responsible
for either for having, uh, for not having helped this situation be avoided or, you know,
or I'm now responsible, even if it couldn't be avoided because nobody could have anticipated
it.
I was now responsible to fix it.
I don't know how to explain to you.
I literally felt responsible for everything, everywhere, all the time.
And so I had no boundaries.
And then of course it just makes you feel worse, worse, worse about yourself.
So, um, but anyway, so that's, that's how I know what I know, but yeah, it's very, it's
very common for, um, for people that, uh, that are, that are performers because that
means that they feel their God is holding them accountable to everything.
And that obviously just fall transfers over to people because people are part of the,
everything.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Well, I have a follow up question because I feel like you just read my mail.
Um, how did you, you know, you said this was an issue for you.
Like what steps did you take to help or is there an anchor that you have that helps you
kind of hold on to, if you see yourself starting to feel responsible for everything again,
everyone, how do you walk out of that?
One of the, one of the deepest rooted things that I did was I began to, uh, choose that
because of who the Lord said that I am, that I have value.
And a lot of times people who are feel responsible for everybody else believe that they don't,
that everyone else is more valuable than they are.
And that's what I thought.
I literally thought, in fact, including into maybe my thirties and I'm 38.
So into my thirties, I thought, and I, and I was very resentful against the Lord about
this.
I told the Lord, I said, Lord, I feel that my, that what you have, that the lot you have
given me and what you are requiring of me is that my life is supposed to simply be available
to help everybody else make the life that they want possible.
Because that's what I found myself doing is I found myself, um, always being the person
that people calls when they wanted something.
And so I thought that I didn't have any value in any worth other than helping other people
get what they wanted.
And then I was watching them live the life that I wanted, you know, but I was responsible.
God wasn't giving it to me.
And instead I had to be available to help make their life, this good and beautiful life.
Not just possible, but help it actually happen.
So anyway, so that was a huge thing is when I began to realize that I actually had value
and I had to choose that.
It wasn't like this realization that came on me because, you know, it just like came
over me like liquid honey.
You know, I just, I had to make a choice.
What has God said?
And then I'm going to be, I'm going to be radical about it and choose it.
And then have him show me, okay, because this is true.
Well then how does that walk out into life?
But usually I could, once I'm whole, then I can present myself as whole in the relationship.
And I automatically start interacting with that person in those situations and those
old lack of boundaries in a brand new way.
Because I realized that I had as much value as the other person.
And then it wasn't my value against their value.
It was just the fact that I actually had value at all.
And now in interacting with them, it just caused me to begin to make different decisions
in the moment.
So that's one of the things that I did.
In fact, it's honestly the biggest one because you're not devaluing other people in order
to make yourself valuable.
There's no lack in the kingdom.
So it's just that I was giving them value and I just wasn't giving me value.
Problem was I came to resent other people is because they had value and I didn't, and
I was responsible for them.
So it created a deep rooted resentment and bitterness, which is very sad.
And it's totally the opposite of, of doing things for somebody out of love.
But so that was a big thing.
I thought there was something else that I had thought of.
I read a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry McLeod, and it is very, very good.
I don't know that I completely agree with all of it.
I'm going to have to go back and reread some of it.
Because some of it sounds to me like it comes from, I think that they were Christians, but
I'm not sure.
But some of it just seemed to come from a way that I didn't, and this is just me talking,
this is where it didn't seem like they were, I, I didn't see that looking like the way
Jesus interacted with people.
And it sometimes not all of it, because some of it on my word, it opened my eyes, but then
to things, but then certain examples that they would use, I'm like, no, Lord, is that
just me barking at it, you know, and resisting, or do you, you know, or is that not, or are
not all of the examples the way that Jesus lived?
I will also tell you that all of our boundaries need to be made from the perspective of love,
not of self-protection.
That's very important.
So boundaries aren't bad.
Boundaries are very good.
The boundaries are healthy.
They keep things in order.
God is a, is God of order, and God himself is the one who created boundaries.
But the boundaries are there to provide order and structure, and so, but they need to be
established in love, not self-preservation, because in self-preservation, that is lording
over our value over someone else's, and I know that all of us here are very afraid of
that in ourselves.
We're very afraid of valuing ourselves and being selfish over someone else, but understand
that that's out of fear and self-protection.
If we, if we increase ourself more in the love of the Lord, then, and we, and boundaries
naturally flow from a son of God, just like God from God himself, they flow from a son
of God, and they're just established in love, but there's still boundaries, because those
boundaries actually are healthy to increase, increase spiritual flow and increase the spirit
on the earth, not inhibit it, but a lack of boundaries inhibits.
um, inhibits, uh, the spirit because it's chaos. So anyway, but the boundary has to be in love,
not self-protection. So many of those are some thoughts. I mean, if I haven't fully answered
your question, you can let me, let me know. Oh, okay. Well, what about this?
No, I think it's helpful. I think it's something I'm actively walking through. So I'll probably,
in my journey shares have more questions later. Cause it's, you know, I think my value,
if there was any value for myself, it was tied to my ability to control the outcome
and help people respond positively, live their best lives, et cetera. And I know the Lord is
asking me to surrender that, but it feels like it's going to be messy before it is whole. And
I think that's what I'm like press into. I know. Yeah. And trust that I won't get stuck in the
mess, you know? Cause I think part of it, it does feel selfish. It does feel anti everything I've
kind of given my it's a life. I think it's the life of, of a lot of people in ministry,
quite honestly, they stick, they get stuck here because their value is tied to how they can help
people and their outcomes. And it affects even like for me, I think it's gotten into
close relationships where I, like you were talking and I'm like, that's why it's so exhausting to
socialize right now. Cause I literally show up into a room and I'm like overstimulated, like,
you know, internally, cause I'm picking up so much stuff. And then I'm trying to make people
feel better and bring joy to this person and, you know, not make this person sad.
Yeah, exactly. I know. I know exactly. And then rescue and everything. Yeah. That can,
it can really hibernate us in because social, uh, the people then become exhausting.
Um, instead of, instead of a joy to discover an aspect of the Lord. And so, I mean, one of the
things that I have to do with the rest intensive is, um, I have to, and this is just as an example,
I, um, you know, I, uh, hold everybody, you know, in, in love and, and, um, really care
about everybody on their journey. But one of the things that I have to be careful of and why I've,
and I'll, I'll be perfectly transparent. And I, uh, why I burnt out multiple times
in the past two and a half years and why there's about a year to a year and a half between major
rest intensives, but, you know, because like, this is my third, like big one. And other times
I've done like mini ones or whatever. The reason that there has been such a huge gap is burnout.
And be perfectly honest. And it's because one of the things I have to do is how do I, how I have
to ask and walk with the Lord. Okay. How do I help? And, and Lindsay phrased this for me one day.
She's like, well, actually what you're doing is you're carrying people through breakthrough. And
I'm like, ah, that's a perfect phrase for it. I'm like carrying people like, like spiritually, um,
emotionally, you know, whatever through their breakthrough in their own, but I don't get to
control what it is that y'all believe or what it is that you hear me say, or what it is that you
decide to do or whatever. And, um, and I, and I don't, and I don't get to choose the outcome.
So I have to be careful to not try to emotionally control the outcome or feel that I'm emotionally
responsible for the outcome. And that's what I've historically done so much is I, and I've gotten
burned out because I can't, God gave me me to carry and then to support other people that I
can't be. However many people are in the rest intensive, intensive. I don't know. I think
there's like maybe nine total or something like that. I I'm one person. I'm not nine or 10. You
know, if you count me, I'm not, I'm just for me. So like what I was telling everybody else,
what I've been telling all of y'all, we have to release the outcomes to the Lord. Y'all are my
outcomes. I always have to release the Lord because I have a very difficult time because I care so
much emotionally, not grabbing something. And I have to, I have to let it go and just let God do
whatever it is he wants, allow it to be a journey as opposed to a destination, you know, et cetera.
And so anyway, and that's being me, me being perfectly transparent with y'all,
that that's something that I struggle with is not trying to emotionally be, I can't think of the
word, but just feel emotionally accountable for the outcome of what it is that y'all,
that everyone chooses because, and like I was, I was telling you Casey, well, and then of course
you asked the follow-up question, Lindsay, you know, that this thing of boundaries,
I've had to learn boundaries in all of this process because in.
And part of that is like, what am I responsible Lord versus not responsible
for, because I have a tendency to take it all on, but I'm not responsible
for everyone and everything.
So I give what it is that I can, and I have a tendency to go too far.
So the Lord has to kind of back me up and sometimes and say, you know,
Ashley, they're mine.
They're not yours.
So you can't, I don't mean that I'm trying to control y'all.
What I'm talking about as far as like the control is that I
emotionally start carrying things like, oh my word, you know, are they okay?
Or, oh my goodness, let's see.
How can I, how can I explain this to them?
Cause it looks like they're, they're, they're struggling with understanding
this and, oh my word, that listening to their, to their post, oh my word.
That's too complicated.
They think it's too hard.
Oh no, no, no.
It's a lot freer than that.
I want them to understand it.
I don't want them to be so happy.
I want them to be light.
So all of that thing we have been taught is caring.
We thought that's godly.
We thought that's love that godliness and love does not burn you out.
You know what I'm saying?
So anyway, so like I said, being perfectly transparent with y'all, that's my struggle.
How do I help everyone without taking on God's job emotionally trying to, trying
to, uh, be, uh, uh, swayed too much and affected by, um, by y'all's, uh, by
y'all's part of the journey, because then I can't be what you need me to be.
You're where you are and you don't need me to be there in order to help you.
Cause if I'm there to no help to nobody.
So, so anyway, um, uh, but that's something that the Lord is working with me through.
And actually that is one of the reasons why I I'm in Lindsay's group, uh,
kingdom messengers advancement.
And that's one of the reasons that I'm in her, in their group, in her group.
And in my journey share in her group, that was the thing that I
vulnerably expressed to those people.
I was like, okay, so the reason I'm here, I didn't know any of them.
I was like, okay, just FYI, that's who I am.
This is what I do.
And I'm going to be very vulnerable here.
The thing that I struggle with is I care so much and give so much to my rest
intensives every time that I have consistently burnt out, you know, two
and a half years and, um, over and over and over because I'm giving so much.
So I'm trying to learn with the Lord, Lord, where's the boundary?
Cause I have a tendency Lord to be unhealthy in my boundaries with people
to just, to, you know, to be taken over.
I did that with my siblings growing up.
I did that with all of my friends.
Um, I did that, you know, I've always been the leader.
I think I've been involved in, I was the president of my sorority, you know, I just,
and I was the chaplain before that.
I mean, I'm always something, you know, and, uh, and so, and I was always
noticed as a leader and then made to be more of a leader in various
positions and it's exhausting.
I loved it, but I didn't know how to do it in a way that I wasn't.
Feeling responsible for everyone.
Um, to God, like God was holding me personally accountable for everybody
else's ups and downs, you know, in college or in whatever.
So, um, I mean, to give you an idea about what it is that I've, I've carried, I've
carried two people through such severe depression that one of them was cutting
themselves and the other one, this was in college and then the other one was so
anorexic that had, had, had her parents not rescued her.
She, um, two weeks later, she would have been in the hospital.
And I was in severe depression and no one knew because I had
to be strong for everyone else.
So, I mean, I just kind of like go to the answer to green.
And fortunately I did not learn my lesson from that.
And here I am 38 still, you know, learning, but it's one of the aspects
of rest is who does God say that I am?
And I have to be that in order to be what everyone else needs from me
in order to be healthy and whole.
So that when they come to me, I can be supportive.
I can be loving.
I can be comforting and I can be strength.
Um, so anyway, I don't know why I told you all that.
I hope I'm not going to have virus remorse.
Like Ashley, my goodness, but y'all, I call all of y'all to be, and ask
all of y'all to be vulnerable.
And because that there's power and vulnerability.
So I know that I can be vulnerable with y'all as well.
And let y'all know, I speak what it is that I believe in what I live.
I teach people this because this is how I live.
You don't have to believe it and you don't have to do it, but I'm just
going to share with you how I, the great life I get to live.
And in case anybody wants to live like this, I think it's great.
So, um, and I'm, and I'm growing at it and everything.
Um, but, uh, it's still, I'm still human.
I'm still weak.
I don't know everything.
I don't know all of the answers or try to help people as best I am.
Well, this is what I believe, or this is what I've heard.
or other things that I'm like, Oh no, this, I, this I'm firmly entrenched in.
You may not believe it, but I do.
Um, so, but I am very, I'm very human.
I just try to help other people live what it is that, that I live.
And so I don't, I don't know everything.
I trust me.
I am not the most powerful or knowledgeable person that any of you know.
I just, this is just what I have.
And if you want it, I'll, I'll, um, I personally invest in every single
person to a, to like literally give piece and parcel of myself to every
single person who goes through these things.
And, um, and so I take it on as a, in fact, I used to not invite anyone
into the rest intensive until I'd spend an hour with them on the phone.
And then I would invite them or not invite them into the rest intensive
because I'm literally giving them myself.
And I have to know, am I investing in someone that's willing to invest
in themselves, or am I the only one who's going to be investing in them?
And they just want me to fix them.
I can't fix them.
So anyway, um, I haven't done that in a while, but that's what I used to do.
So anyway, um, who knows what time it is now?
So, um, I will, um, if y'all have any questions, just put them in the, in the
chat, I have some posts to go back, um, especially from today, and I've been
answering the ones from the past and, um, but, uh, I need to make sure to go back
and make sure I've answered all of them, but, um, um, and I'll answer the ones,
you know, from today and hopefully that'll be helpful to people.
And, um, anyway, so I will see y'all Sunday, I guess, so good to
see all of you have a good weekend.