I'm going to go ahead and get started.
It's long. Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't think I ever go short again.
Oh really.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah.
I think that at some point,
the shortest stuff I've ever had was I think here,
and that was when it was permed. So, you know,
that means it's long.
Cause then permed like really tight.
Brings it about right here.
And, but the point is that it would just,
it was just worn in style here. So it felt.
Weird.
Okay. Sorry. She's.
Diana was just messaging us.
Yeah.
And then,
and then I was talking to Ed about a particular style that I found is
that, Hey, well, you know,
When we'll be older, you know, and have kids and stuff, you know,
what do you think about, about this style? And he was like, no,
don't ever get your hair.
You don't don't ever do.
And I was like, well, you know,
I'm not doing that now.
But I went later. He's like, no.
Why, why, why, why would you do that?
Guys just like long hair.
Yeah.
Yeah. And I don't remember who we were with.
We were with some people.
Recently.
And they were talking about hair.
And his wife's long hair. And he was like, I know.
You should never cut your hair.
And I was like, see.
So anyway.
So it'll probably be log for a while, which I'm happy with.
Cause I prefer.
Long hair in that I got it cut a little too short last October.
So I got my hair done a couple of.
Yesterday.
Was it no day before yesterday? I got it.
I got it.
And then day before yesterday, cut and colored.
About back to get more of my normal.
Colors.
Feeling a bit more like myself.
Oh,
Hey, Tammy.
In the dark.
I'm driving in the car.
Late night snack run to Brahms.
Get some ice cream and some Moscato.
That sounds fun.
Over the ice cream.
No.
Talking to his friend.
He was like, if I ate that at the same time,
it I'd be in the bathroom.
I don't know.
Your stomach can handle, you know,
I don't know.
Women's.
Maybe not.
I was going to say,
I think that women's can handle more rich things,
but that may not women's stomachs, but that may not be true.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I know that mine can handle more rich things than Ed's can. So anyway.
Yeah.
So I was just wondering if maybe it was the same.
Yes, I can. It's good.
I was just wondering if it was a full spectrum of God's creation.
Okay.
That's right.
Oh, okay. So it was related to lactose.
I thought it was just a richness.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, so how is everyone doing?
Any updates or questions or anything?
I will let you go first.
I think she was her being the other.
Yeah.
I do have a question.
Is it possible that since I'm not getting like.
Really.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I know he gets to present himself, however you want.
But.
Are you wondering if something's wrong?
Yeah.
I mean, I still experience him.
I guess definitely in nature and stuff like that. I enjoy.
Yeah.
When I'm sitting down and intentional and just trying to.
Connect that way.
I still don't get it.
Yeah.
Okay, so let me, I'm trying to think about where I could, where I could start.
So one of the things is that God interacts with each of us differently.
So, and, and, you know, this, I'm just, you know, reminding you of it in this
context, like for instance, some people see in the spirit and I, but then even the
people that see in the spirit all see differently.
So some people like see, see angels and, and, and fallen angels, and then, and
then they'll see like the angels, like pouring oil over somebody's head.
And like, they can, they can see this whole spectrum of, of stuff in the spirit.
And then there are others who see in the spirit and are just like,
like, like for instance, my husband, the way that Ed sees is he's just kind of
like, he's looking off and he starts seeing stuff and he's trying to figure
out what he's seeing because sometimes he it's, it's, it's more like a
knowing really than a seeing.
And, but the knowing is so strong that it's, he feels as if he's seeing it.
And so he'll word it like that.
He's like, what I see is da, da, da, da, da.
And a lot of times he seems like picture, he sees pictures or he'll see, Hey, I
see that you have something over there on your right shoulder that's like, got
a, got a whole, you know, cause like the person's talking about something that's
got a hold of them or whatever.
And I was like, yeah, it's right here.
Or he'll, and he can sense it in the end.
He refers to it as, as seeing because it's that strong.
It's as if he can actually see it.
And, and, but then me on the other hand, I don't usually, I haven't
historically seen like that.
My interactions with the Lord are things like, well, I'm not trying to confuse
things when I'm talking about like all these other things that people see.
I am trying to relate that to the Lord.
So just bear with me just a second.
One of the things, ways in which that I say that I'll, I'll see something
is I just know things about people.
Like I'll meet them, especially if I meet them.
Sometimes if I shake their hand, if I, whatever it's like, I suddenly know
things, I don't know things about everybody that I meet, but I get a sense
of things, sometimes I know things from their, from their past, but it's, but
it's usually something about like things that they're struggling with.
Sometimes I don't know how to articulate it, but sometimes I can tell, oh, they're
struggling with this or they are, they're battling, they're battling this, or they
have very low self-esteem or whatever.
And I can know it by seeing them across the room, not everyone, but enough
where it's very normal for me.
It's very common.
And it's what is one of the ways in which I operate in a way that I hope is very
helpful and has proven to be very fruitful in the rest intensive, but I can start
knowing things about things, areas in which people are struggling and begin to
talk to those areas and people don't even know that I know anything.
And they don't even know that I know that they're struggling in this
particular area that I can see it.
And that's how I refer to it.
So anyway, my point is comparing that to our interaction with the Lord.
We all have different, see, that is a form of, of, of a, in a way of his
communicating with us and it's all different and we can't say that, oh, well,
because I don't see angels and, and, and, you know, them pouring oil over so-and-so
over there, and then I see them battling this fallen angel over here doesn't mean
that I'm not, uh, that God doesn't love me or that he's not connecting with me or
that I can't have any like, um, that he wouldn't reveal things to me just because
it's not taking a particular form that, uh, that affects my spiritual sense.
So, you know, you've got the five senses of like, you know, you sigh and touch
and hearing and smell and all of that.
Well, we have those in the spirit as well, which is how we're able to say,
I see this or I feel this or whatever.
We don't always necessarily feel it in our body, but we feel it in the spirit
or we see it in the spirit or we, or we touch it or we taste it or whatever.
And we're, it's all in the spirit.
So God will interact with those five senses of ours in the spirit in a way
for a, in a way for, in which he can communicate with us, but he doesn't
do it the same way with everyone.
So some people feel in some people, some people smell some people, whatever.
So if you have a really neat experience in which you felt God in a very strong
way, all my goodness, she felt his presence and whatever, there are people
who feel his presence a lot more than I do a lot more.
Oh my word.
And so I always wanted to be able to.
So my point is to create all of that context, to be able to say that you
are experiencing him and can experience more of him, but it's in a particular
way that he's chosen, and if you're looking for it in this particular way,
but he's revealing himself in this way, and you don't know to think
of this as feeling him, you're looking for.
him here or experiencing him here because you've had a particular type of experience in which
it really, it was very obvious to you, oh I can, this is what I was wanting, this is what I was
hoping for or whatever, but a lot of times God will give us those really neat experiences to
let us know, hey look, I have heard you, I really am there, I really am faithful, I really do exist,
you really do matter to me or whatever, but then he tries to draw our attention to
another way in which he wants to communicate with us that is not so obvious to you.
It doesn't just slap you in the face and be like, oh yeah, I know that, it's more like a
getting to know a particular type of interaction between you and God and then when your eyes become
open to it, in other words, you become aware of it, that's what I mean, you become aware of it in
whatever way that it's being presented to you in like one of those senses, like would it be a
feeling, would it be a knowing, would it be a seeing, whatever God intends for that to be,
when it becomes obvious to you or when you finally understand it, then you're like, oh,
now you know a bit more of what to watch for, but right now it's like, God, where are you?
So he is talking to you, he is communicating with you, he is touching you, he is presenting himself
in a way, he's expressing himself in a way that you can interact with and you can experience, but for
you, you're wondering where is that and so it may not be in the form that a lot of
other people discuss, oh, well, I saw this angel and I saw Jesus and Jesus came and he did this
and he was standing at the foot of my bed and he did this and he touched me and then my arm felt
really hot and or he gave me these amazing and he gives me these amazing dreams
every night and he takes me to heaven and he does this and he does that, you may not have experiences
that match other people's stories because you're hearing other, because if you're like me, you hear
other people's stories and you're looking in your own life and you're going, I don't have any of that,
I've never experienced that or that or that, so something's wrong with me and it's not, it just
means that that is how God is presenting it to them and they got it. Some of it we all look
at and we're going, oh my word, that's so obvious, of course the Lord, you know, of course they would get it,
but other things, if we really do think about some of their stories, I mean like really
think about it, especially if they articulate it in a particular way, you would be like, well how did
they know that was God or how would I know to recognize that, you know, and know that that was God
and but they figured it out, kind of like when you, how you had to learn that, what it felt like for God
to talk to you, oh that's my spirit talking, that's God versus, oh that wasn't God, you know, if you're
asking him a question, Lord should I take this job, should I not take this job or whatever,
and you're waiting for God to speak, you had to learn that that was him, that when you hear it
in a particular way, oh that's God, that's the spirit, that's whatever, versus you disregarding
it and thinking, oh no, that was probably me or that was probably Satan or that was probably the voice of
an old voice of my mom or my dad talking, you know, in my head or whatever, you had to learn to recognize
it. It's the same way when we want to experience God in other ways, like experiencing him similar to
like what you were talking about, that you had experienced when you first asked the Lord, you know,
to come to you and ask Jesus to reveal himself and you had this great experience, he'll usually, when
we first ask him about things, a lot of times he'll present himself in this amazing way to let us know,
hey you're on the right track, you're in the right direction, I really am hearing you, in order to
give us encouragement, but it may not be the way that he always presents himself. So I have all, I've
had some really neat experiences with the Lord, but I haven't, I don't continue, I have learned to not
continue to pursue that same form, like okay well when's the next time he's going to show up
like that, when's the next time or whatever, because then I get discouraged and disappointed and then I
start using those really neat experiences and accusation against God, God why aren't you doing
it anymore, have you stopped loving me, have you stopped thinking, you know, have I done something
wrong, have I turned it off, have I, you know, whatever, and he's just like, no I just, I am, look for me,
you know, and so I just ask, so I choose, so what I've noticed is I see God more because I
rec, I more easily recognize him when he shows up.
If I'm looking for him, not a particular type of experience with him.
Where I'm just like, okay, it's almost like I'm more open.
Okay.
It's more like I'm more open to.
And how would you phrase that?
That I can because I am not in resistance by looking for something specific.
Like resistance to a particular type of experience or a particular way that
God could be revealing it to me.
And self to me because I'm not resisting it because I'm looking for
something else.
Then, and I'm in fact,
because I'm just looking for God and I'm just open because I'm open.
Then I'm more than the Lord can more easily.
Reveal to me how he's talking to me, how he's showing up.
So I can actually feel a connection with him.
Through a particular type of experience.
Because I'm not looking for the experience.
I'm just looking for him and I'm just wondering, okay,
where's he showing up?
Then I end up.
I end up.
So my particular relationship with the Lord.
Is not built off of experiences with him.
The majority of my relationship with the Lord is built off of.
Faith.
That then allowed me to, you know,
belief that something was true when I wasn't used to experiencing it or
seeing it or whatever.
And then.
Understanding how, and then just.
See.
How would you phrase that? Like, then I would begin to.
More readily feel connection with God.
Through particular situations that would happen.
So, you know,
one of the things that I talk to a lot of people about.
On the rest intensive is to look for the Lord like that.
Because people that can see in the spirit as a lot of.
People that can see in the spirit, you know,
like angels and demons and they can do all of that stuff.
And I'm just using that as an example.
I'm just using that as an example,
because I think it's really important to understand that.
Those experiences are not usual.
In other words, it's the minority,
but because they're cool and flashy experiences.
A lot of times.
Those are people that end up speaking about it.
You know,
when they feel like liquid honey pouring over them and they feel
absolute, you know, love and protection and whatever from the Lord.
When, when, from my experience, anyway,
the majority of the Christians that I've run into.
Have had to have their faith.
Have had to have their relationship with the Lord.
And their experiences.
So much on faith.
In fact, there is a particular teacher.
I won't mention their name.
It is possible that you've heard of them, I'm not sure.
If you haven't,
they're like really close friends with somebody else that I know 100%
for sure that you, that, you know, their name of,
and they all kind of run in the same circles.
And this person was told how to, is one of the people I'm talking about.
Amazing experiences with the Lord ever since they were little,
like a tiny child. So they know no different.
And then one of their mentors in the faith,
who's much beyond that person and what they see and everything,
even they knew to tell them, Hey, look,
You've got to exercise your faith because your relationship with the Lord
has been built off of all these experiences that you've had.
Because for you, it's just so obvious.
You see these things in the spirit.
You can do all kinds of things in the spirit,
but you don't know how to have faith in your God.
When you don't feel it.
And that's the majority of the, of the strength and the exercise that people
like you and I.
You know, usually have to have our relationship with the Lord built on.
So anyway, I just want to let you know.
You're normal.
That, that what you're, what you're going through.
Isn't, isn't abnormal.
It's normal.
If that's what you have to overcome, that that struggle is what you have to overcome by faith
and just choose, hey God, I choose you over this. And then to look for, okay God, how are you
expressing yourself to me? And here's the really cool thing. The more that you do that, the more
sensitive that you will be to seeing and experiencing God. Because right now, if it's
unfamiliar to you and your unique way in which you and God connect. And by connect, I don't just
mean he's talking to you. I mean you feel a connection. It's something in which you base your,
I don't know, your connection with God is you know him like a being. You feel him as a being.
Not like this concept that you're supposed to believe in and then this arbitrary idea of a
father out there who like tells you what to do. But like you really feel a connection with the
being. You'll become much more sensitive to certain to the way that God is choosing to
connect with you. And that connection will be the way through which you will feel him. You will feel
loved. You will feel protected as opposed to you know some kind of an experience of like, oh my
word, he came and it was just so obvious. And then I just felt like this liquid you know love or I felt
like this cocoon or whatever. You will feel loved. You will feel protected. But it'll just kind of
take on a bit of a different. It will just be in your own, in yours and God's own unique way. So
there's nothing wrong with you. But so yours is a very normal experience. Is that sometimes you see
and sometimes you don't. Also just one more thing I'm going to mention. Some of the, I'm not sure
who you listen to and what kind of teachers you follow. But just FYI, I've been in different
circles. And some of these circles are want so badly to have the experiences that their teachers
have. That they take things that at least from my, from my what I believe and having been in those
circles. Some of what they think that they're experiencing really isn't God. I'm not saying
it's demons. I'm saying it's the air conditioner that blew by and gave them goosebumps. Not an
angel that they felt. And trust me there it's hard to describe. It's like, like I was telling you
earlier that there are certain things that I can know when I interact with people. I can start
telling which ones are genuine and which ones aren't. And I don't know fully you know who is
sometimes. There's actually for me a lot of questions like I don't know about them. And you
know my husband and I'll talk. I'm not really sure. But then there are others that's kind of like,
no, no, no, no. That's just not real. But they want so badly for it to be true. So my whole
point is these people all get together in a room. And all get together to listen to a teacher. And
they all talk at these conferences about their experiences. And quite honestly some of it isn't
genuine. Some of it isn't, isn't the Lord. But they all want so badly for it to be true. So my point
is it can make it feel when you're in in groups like that. Or when you listen to teachers like
that. That they all have something that you're missing out on. And what you have to do is you
have to choose. No, I'm choosing God not to experience him. And a lot of those people are
chasing an experience. And then it'll also. And I wasn't even necessarily talking about charismatics.
But within the charismatic realm you know which is totally different from the group of people I
was talking about. But in the charismatic realm there's also people that chase experience for the
sake of experience. And we can all talk about the fact that we don't want to be like that.
But quite honestly if we don't feel loved we have we really struggle with the Lord to believe that
we are. And so let's you know just I'll be honest about that. So the thing is we do want experiences.
But that's why I talk about faith as much as I do in the rest intensive. Is that as much as we've
chased experiences it hasn't gotten us anywhere. It'll either keep us immature because that's all
God will give us is experiences. Because we refuse to pursue him for anything else. Or in his
graciousness we don't experience the experiences which forces us then in our absolute desperation
to connect as a child with our father that we were born to need. He will in his graciousness
allow us to that he will reveal that hey you need to choose me by faith. And then when you
choose me I will actually give you more of me because you chose me without me proving myself
to you first. Without me giving you an experience or whatever. You will actually get more of God
that way. I know it's hard because then it's like all faith on the front end.
with no, sometimes no experience,
but the cool thing is you do get more of God
because he feels that he can entrust himself with you
and to you, and so he'll actually give you himself.
So, which is actually himself,
not a particular feeling.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm all of a sudden
getting all of these messages,
but anyway, so does that help?
Yeah, yeah, I just, I guess I wanna,
I guess feel him more, but I feel like I am choosing him,
but yeah, no, I understand.
Yeah, so, and you can obviously hold that before the Lord.
There's nothing wrong with you wanting things.
I was just trying to make you, encourage you
so that you know it was normal,
so that you know your experience
is the normal human experience.
Sure, God gives, just like for instance,
God gives the prophecy to some,
and teachers to some, and evangelists to some.
He gives the gifts of the spirit to,
or the, not the gifts of the spirit,
but like the, he gives gifts and roles of the offices
to various people.
He just doesn't interact with us all the same way,
and what it is that you are wanting,
but not feeling like you're getting is normal.
So therefore, if that's normal,
and God says he wants to connect with us,
but we're not feeling the connection,
and we're not getting the experience
that other people have connected with God about,
there must be something that we just haven't seen yet.
We haven't been, that God, you know,
is willing to, and open to, you know, revealing to us.
And so it doesn't mean that God's denying you something,
but it just means that there's something that you can,
I don't know that there's,
that there is something out there for you to have,
and, but the important thing is
to not want something to such a point
where there's actual resentment or accusation
in our hearts building up to the Lord
because we don't have a particular thing.
Then that's creating resistance
to actually experiencing in where he is revealing himself.
Because I promise you he's revealing himself
because he wants you to know him
a gazillion times more than you want to.
So he's made a way, and he's always doing it.
My goodness, if he's united himself with you,
and then so much of our lives,
we actually don't even operate as if we're united,
even though we are, I mean, if he,
then it means that he's wanting it so much more than we are
because he makes it happen while we're at rest.
In other words, where we weren't even part,
we weren't even the second party of the covenant,
we just benefited from it.
So he wants it more than you do.
It's not that you're asking him for something
that you hope he's gonna grant.
He's actually literally already doing it.
So if you choose that God is so good to you
and loves you so much that it's there and it's open,
then there's nothing but excitement, adventure,
and anticipation that builds up of, okay, well, where is it?
There's expectation.
But then it's an adventure in the fact that,
okay, well, how is it gonna happen?
How's it gonna manifest?
Just whatever, as opposed to, oh, it hasn't happened yet.
And it happens to other people and it hasn't happened to me.
There are things that I'm holding before the Lord
and that I've been holding before the Lord for a while.
In fact, there's even something that he told me.
I told him, Lord, I really wanna know,
I think I may have mentioned this story at one point.
I told him, I really want to be able to see angels, Lord.
Other people see angels and they see the spirit realm,
not just angels, but just the spirit realm.
I wanna be able to see that, Lord.
And I just told him, I said, Lord,
that is truly something that I really desire.
Well, a few days later,
some man that I had never met before was praying over me.
He knew nothing about me except my name
because that was very purposeful.
I was in like a prophetic at a table
where three people were seeking the Lord to ask him,
for some words of encouragement for me.
I'd never seen these people before.
I sat down, they said, we wanna know your name,
but we don't want anything else.
We don't even want you to give us feedback
or a nod or an affirmation or anything about,
in response to anything that we say.
We're just gonna tell you.
What we hear, you can record it, but we don't want any feedback from you about,
about how on the money or not on the money.
Any of these words are, we just want you to receive them.
It's like, okay.
And one of the guys said, you said the Lord says, cause they were mentioning
different words and whatever, while they were seeking the Lord.
And then finally this one guy, you know, picked up his head and he said, you
know, from praying and talking to the Lord and you said, the Lord says that
you've asked to see angels and the Lord says, you're going to, it's like, I
That was two years ago.
It still has it.
So, so the thing is, I'm like, okay, I had a, I get, I put in a petition few
days later from a complete stranger.
He affirmed that I was going to.
I'm like, okay, Lord, when will it be?
So, um, so it's, but I, and I, and I've told him about it many times, okay,
Lord, I mean, I'm anticipating it and I'm excited, but I can't hold it in
accusation of Lord, why not yet?
You even promised this to me.
It's more like, okay, Lord, because I choose that he's, I choose that what it
is that I live in is a life and an experience in which my God is good.
And I have been chosen, meaning like I'm a, I'm a chosen child.
I don't mean like chosen, like Calvinistic view of like, well, God
chooses some people for heaven and he chooses some people for hell.
I don't mean that.
I just mean he created me and he chose me to be a son.
I was like purposefully thought of purposefully created
before the creation of the world.
It's like, well, and so I just choose that my God is always good.
He's always love.
It's always positive.
It's always forward moving.
It's always, it's always bigger.
It's always more freedom.
And then I'm just learning to actually see and experience what that
actually looks like in reality.
As opposed to deciding that I know what openness looks like.
And so I'm wondering why God hasn't done it yet.
If God says that all these things are true, I'm like, okay, so how is that?
So where is that?
And I'm the same thing with like these promises that, you know, that he's given
us of like how we can experience him, et cetera.
So anyway, I don't, I can't hold these accusations against him of like,
God, why am I not feeling this way?
Like for instance, I don't, I don't, I haven't felt like felt in like a, like
a really overwhelming, uh, the overwhelming love of God for, um, like
in a major way, I haven't felt it probably since, I don't know, the early
part of 2021, and yet I know that he loves me because I have a particular
type of connection with him because of how he's chosen to reveal himself.
He chose to reveal himself to me in a very unique way where I feel the
connection, I, I sense, I don't know.
I just, I sense his, his, um, his goodness.
I sense his love, but it's because I'm looking for him.
And when I'm looking for him, he'll show me where he is because I
don't know how to ask for an unknown.
I didn't know how to ask for something.
I've never seen.
I'm not, I, if I've never seen his love and how big it is and what it really
truly looks like, I don't know how to ask for it if I've never seen it.
So I just like, okay, I'm just open.
What is it?
What does your love look like?
You say it's love.
What is it?
It's love.
What is that thing?
And so anyway, the more that I do that, the more that he reveals it.
And then that's where I feel my connection, where I don't doubt so much.
I'm not saying I don't ever, I'm just saying very generally, because I know
what I, how I used to live life and just never believed that I was just
loved by the Lord, except for like very unique mountaintop moments.
And now it's the opposite.
It's, I usually feel loved by the Lord and I very rarely don't.
And it's not because I feel anything.
I don't feel his is like presence and like liquid honey and whatever.
It's that whatever unique connection that he built with me, where I knew to,
where he revealed, Hey, Ashley, I talked to you like this.
That's how I always feel.
It's there.
I wish I don't even know how to describe it better than that.
Cause quite honestly, I've never articulated this to anybody before.
Um, but, uh, but so just look for, just, just seek him, look for him, push,
uh, not push, um, no ask him.
And then, and then just, uh, just kind of like wait with expectation, anticipation,
expect it, you know, be looking for it and know that it's there and that you're
just waiting to see it and expect to see it every, at least, you know, every day.
And then, and then you'll get to the point where you'll expect to see it
multiple times throughout the day and it'll get, and then you'll get to the
point where you expect to see it all the time, like all the time, all day long,
whatever, but the Lord's going to have to reveal to you what that actually looks
like for me.
Yeah, I've, I've learned to just, um, see him, see his love and how people
interact with me, how people respond to me, the fact that, um, I don't know
why called and immediately I got the, the, uh, the call rep without having
to wait longer than like 30 seconds.
I'm like, Oh my word.
That was really sweet of you, Laura.
You know, that's so cool.
I see the Lord in those kinds of things that he's just always, I don't know.
It's not that he always makes everything just like easy, but he's
like, he actually, I'm for you.
So let's live life together.
Not me making life easy for you.
Like just moving things out of the way.
It's like, let's live life together.
And when I've lived life together, I feel.
I always, I, I, I see more of God in everything.
And that's what makes me feel like I'm always experiencing him.
Guess that's really what, you know, what I'm trying to say.
I felt like I'm always experiencing him.
I don't really stop and try to get moments of like spending time
with looking for Jesus to come.
I feel like I'm always experiencing God because I'm living life with him every day.
I'm walking from the bathroom to the kitchen with them and I'm doing dishes,
you know, with him, with him, with me, and then loading the dishwasher with him,
with me it's, and I don't feel an obligation to the Lord of like, Oh, I
need to talk to him or whatever.
It's just, I have to just allow him to live life with me.
And then I feel like I'm getting the experience of him all of the time.
Um, anyway, sorry, it took me a while to kind of like unpack all of that,
but, um, because other I'm trying as much as I can to kind of articulate
it, cause I know that otherwise it can just sound vague because I don't
know what to tell you to look for.
Like, Oh, we'll look for this feeling.
You know, when you do this, when you walk to the kitchen, you know,
then this will happen right here in this left ventricle of your heart.
And I'm not trying to be funny about that.
I'm just saying like that specific, like steps and specific, you know, that
specificity, I don't have, it's, it's, um, it's going to be unique with you
and the Lord, but I can tell you that if you open yourself up, um, to, to him.
Of like, and, and, um, and just anticipate him revealing who he is and you watch
for it, then he'll show you what was him.
Um, and, uh, and it sounds, you know, you've already been doing it.
You said that you would do different things at work and be like, Oh,
Oh, that was really sweet of you, Laura.
Thank you for helping me with that and whatever.
And, um, uh, but anyway.
So that's, that's what I would do.
Um, you, and then there's nothing wrong with you.
Ask him, you tell him what's on your heart.
You tell him what's important to you.
Like for me, me with the angels, I told him that was important to me.
I was very serious about it.
I wasn't desperate and I, and I couldn't.
Demanded of him, even emotionally demanded of him, Lord, I really want this.
I don't beg.
There's no reason for me as the child, who's been given everything to beg my
father for the things that he told me to ask for.
There's no need to beg.
So also beg means that you expect to not get it.
Yeah, I had full expectations.
So, but it's important to open up your heart, vulnerably, to allow yourself to
be vulnerable enough to risk disappointment, but you're choosing him over your
disappointment because you were sacrificing your disappointment in order to have it
for the chance to get to have him.
He loves that, you know?
Um, so anyway, is, uh, does that, does that make sense?
Asking him for it, not being desperate, not thinking like, oh, expecting, like
he's not going to answer, um, but, but really truly revealing to you, to him,
what's on your heart, but at the end of the day, always saying, you know, God,
really, I'm, I choose you even if you never give me this experience and I won't
not have this experience.
I won't take not having this experience and holding it against you.
If you never do it, I won't, I won't think that you're not good.
I won't feel not loved by you.
That's a big one.
You know, stuff like that.
Oh, you reminded me in it.
And I, you know, like you, I think I just easily forget, especially if I don't
write it down, but you reminding me about my work experience, but even today I was
like, you know, made plans with a friend to go on a trip and I didn't even, you
know, I was like, you know, it's, it's going to work out, we're going to figure
it out and then come to find out, we planned it on another, a day that I'm
already going to have another day off.
I was like, oh, thank you, Lord.
Like, you know, I'm like, there's just little things that I'm.
um just forget that yeah he is for me and everything and um yeah one of the ways that
i view stuff like that by the way that i noticed helped was that if i didn't view it as this gift
i viewed it as god helping me or orchestrate my life yeah not like oh lord you really didn't have
to do that i can't believe you would like go out of your way if i viewed it like that that was this
poverty mentality of always of expecting that the norm was that god um isn't is that god wants my
life to be hard but every now and then he'll throw me a bone that was revealing to me that i don't
expect that god is seeing me the issue honestly isn't whether or not god does stuff like that
of what you're talking about it's what how we respond to that that reveals to us are reviewing
god from the perspective of of expectation like well of course god does things like that he doesn't
always make it work out this way but he always does stuff like this why because this is his heart
towards me what this has expressed to me is his heart towards me he does it all the time but and
this is just how i chose to show it last time it didn't in fact last time there were all kinds of
like schedule complications and contradictions and whatever but it didn't mean he didn't love me
because it's not it and so anyway that was important for me so when i viewed stuff like
that it was just kind of like oh thank you lord that that surveyed that easy and i saw it more
like he's helping me live he's living life with me and he's like this is how he chose to do it
he's like hey let's move everything out of our way you know out of our way not my way out of our way
yeah let's do that out of let's just move that out of our way so that we can go on the trip
rita so we can do this yes yeah yeah yeah yeah well that's great i'm so excited that you see
you saw it you already were looking oh that's nice lord thank you for working all that out
so that's great yeah yeah anyway so anyway i hope that was helpful i know it wasn't like very
specific you know answer of like oh do this or do that um but if i think of something you know
some other time you know i'll i'll mention it but um right now that's you know obviously just
that would be that's the answer and that's what i would just come to is just letting it
letting any of that angst and frustration go so that what it is that i want can finally happen
because while i'm having the angst and the frustration the real thing that i'm looking for
and the way that god is already giving it to me is something i can't receive yet
because i'm refusing to and because i'm i'm like i've got accusation against him that accusation
is like thrusting something against god when he's trying to and and therefore it's it's resisting
me being able to effortlessly really receive the thing that he's already offered
um and so i just know that if i kind of quote unquote get out of my own way get out of the way
then it'll all naturally happen but i can't but i just have to wait for god to reveal to me
where it is because i don't know how to look for it and i don't know how to ask for it i don't know
how to ask for something that i don't understand or don't have words for all he says is hey it's
big and it's good and it's i'm protector and i'm provider and so anyway but yeah so that's what i
just i keep doing so i just release any of the resistance that i have and i just i just tell god
okay god i choose you instead of all those other things instead of even experiencing you
and in addition to that just like jesus did in the garden of gethsemane this is what i would like
you know it's not what i'm holding against you it's just something that i'm i'm just you know
making you aware of hey which he already knows but you know i'm presenting this to you lord
and i'm vulnerably exposing my heart telling you i really want this and and um anyway so yeah
yeah so yeah
so thank you yeah you're welcome
okay well tammy there she is you're home are you hey oh you're muted sorry
sorry you got your ice cream and your your moscato i do i haven't cracked it out
that's our after group three oh okay
um so yeah yeah i was listening that was
Perfect, I think my last journey share was very similar
to what Ruth's question was, so that's great.
Perfect.
Yeah, I guess I have a small question.
I listened to the choose yourself video that you put up.
It was really good.
And I know like it was like, you can't choose,
you like can't give yourself to others, so to speak, right?
Until you choose yourself.
So I guess my question was, and I think I have,
I've made some massive changes in my life,
but how do you know that you chose yourself?
Like what does that, like what's an example maybe
of that to help solidify that?
So when I mean choose yourself,
I'm not talking about like any kind of a selfish way.
I'm talking about basically owning yourself,
owning, taking responsibility for yourself.
And by that, I don't mean like, okay,
if you've done something wrong,
well, then you own that to it.
I'm not talking about that kind of responsibility.
I'm talking about,
because that's usually when people talk about
like own yourself, sometimes we're talking about
like making sure you take appropriate blame,
instead of blaming somebody else.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about, understand that you are the one
who has a right to you and make your own,
be powerful enough, understand that you are given
the power by God to make your own decisions.
You are not obligated to him or anyone else.
And by obligated to him, in a way you are obligated to him
because you have, you know, you're, he's,
that's what we've done.
We've submitted our will to him.
But that's not really the obligation I'm referring to.
I'm talking about like, you're not obligated
as in like, you're being made to.
Understand that in a manner of speaking,
you're under no more obligation.
And I phrased it like this, no shame,
no condemnation, no obligation.
Meaning that what we have historically done
because we thought we were obligated to act like this,
we were obligated to obey God.
We were obligated to love God.
We're not obligated for any of those things
because we don't owe God anything.
And in the fact that we don't,
we can't pay God for something.
He made all of the payment for us,
all of this stuff that we owed, he paid for.
So, but what we have done though is we have submit,
because he did that, we chose,
when we chose him as our savior,
we chose to submit ourselves completely to him,
to allow ourselves to be completely unified with him
and therefore to live as a complete sacrifice to him.
But understand that that was an intentional choice
that we made.
It's not an obligation of like, oh, I wear it,
now I have to.
Remember that obligation is meaning that
we have a payment that we owe.
We don't have a payment that we owe.
What God is talking about when he talks about obeying him,
loving him, whatever,
is he saying that is who now you naturally are.
You naturally will love God.
You naturally love like God.
You naturally love other people
with the love of God himself, which is self-sacrificing,
which is dying to self, dying for other people, et cetera.
Dying, not just like physically,
but just like unselfishly, et cetera.
And anyway, so when I'm talking about owning yourself,
understand that God paid for you
to no longer be enslaved and to be free.
So therefore he, one of the things that he paid for
is the right for you to have your own free,
for you to be able to operate out of your own free will
again.
And God considers that very sacred.
What he does is he tells us where we should guide,
what he does is he tries to guide us
as to what we should choose with our free will,
but he doesn't make us.
He says, it's your free will to choose,
but you can't, I'm trying to think
if I have a teaching on this somewhere.
Rita remembers that we talked a lot about this the last,
about like maturing our will and all of that
at the last rest intensive,
but I'm trying to remember if I did it in a fireside chat
or if I did it in like a separate teaching, I don't remember.
I don't remember. Oh, no. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I just did it in the choosing. Okay. So I did
think I mentioned it in the choosing yourself or be or whatever I called that. And wait a minute.
Okay. Are you talking about the choosing yourself? Or are you talking about the one that I said being
enough for yourself? I watched the same day, but I think I'm talking about the choose yourself
because it was like, you have to choose yourself before you before you like you're trying to give
your way yourself a way to help others and all of that. Okay, was I? Yeah. So I had my hair up.
What did I was I wearing blue and I was in a I was in an office behind me with bookshelves
behind me. The reason I'm wondering is if I haven't posted that I can post that for you.
But what I wonder if I've already posted that anyway, in there, I talked about maturing our
free will do I do I mentioned that in whatever you're talking about? maturing our will? I don't
remember that terminology. Okay, I'll have to look and see because if not, well, then maybe I can I
can post that for you. I can I can post that for you. Anyway, I didn't my point was I was trying to
I was trying to I was then going to try to explain that, hey, and make a connection with something
you'd already heard me say. But point is, that if you hadn't heard me say that, then I need to
explain. So the thing is that you can't get in this goes, this is kind of the foundation on which
we, we can choose what I'm talking about, about choosing ourselves before we can give ourselves
to other people or make ourselves available, is remember that if for instance, even to God,
we can't choose him, unless we own ourselves to give, I'm sorry, not choose him, we cannot give
ourselves to him unless we own ourselves to give him. If you don't own yourself, you can't give
yourself. If you're owned by if you're enslaved to sin, you couldn't give yourself to God. That is why
he had to pay for us. That's why he had to buy us. Because we were so enslaved, we couldn't buy
ourselves out of that slavery. We will no longer had a free will. So what he did is he saved us
out of that slavery. And now out of our free will, we could choose them. And it's now out of that free
will that even though we've given we submitted our will to God, we have a free will in which we can
that in which we operate as a son of God. Okay, well, who am I, I'm now saved, I'm now free,
I'm unified with the Lord. But who am I, what is that DNA of God that he put in me, that his love
that he put in me so that I can love like he loves, I can sacrifice myself like Jesus did,
I can, you know, I can protect my kingdom the way that he protects his or provide for it or whatever.
So you have to have a will. In other words, you have to in order to submit it to the Lord,
you have to have you have to mature your will. In other words, actually own yourself, own
understand that you have a right to make your own decisions and to whether choose whether or not you
want to obey God, you're not obligated. You don't have to if you don't want to. So what do you want
to do? God's not worried, because he knows that if at least you know, you get out of your own way,
who it is that you naturally are always God, always chooses God, you know, always obeys God,
he's not worried. You know, he just keeps guiding you about how you're getting in your own way of
what it is you really want what you need to let go of so that you can just naturally let who you
naturally are out. But the thing is, it's still you that's choosing him. Because yes, he created
you out of his, you know, his DNA. So speaking the fact that, you know, that was his spirit is born
of spirit, you know, so you have you have his DNA, you know, you love like him and all that you have
his characteristics, but you get to choose as to expressing, you know, choose, okay, now I want to
express this love. Now I want to express this protection. Now I want to express it right,
that's your free will. So that's what I'm talking about. Understand that you are a powerful
being that can make its own choices. I'm not talking about powerful apart from God or anything
like that. I'm talking about you being unified in Christ, operating from oneness in Christ,
he has power therefore you being in him are accessing that same power and together
with his heart, same heart, same will, same mind, you're expressing love, you're expressing, you
know, protection, you're expressing provision. But anyway, you get to choose whether you
operate out of that union or whether you try to operate out as if you were separated from it.
Understand you are
are powerful enough, meaning like powerful in Christ,
and God gave you a free will,
that you are responsible for you,
meaning like you need that you are powerful enough,
you are making your own decisions.
No one is making you do anything.
So that's what I mean.
You have to realize, I need to own me.
I get to decide, do I choose God or not?
Do I do this for so-and-so or not?
That if you don't own yourself,
well, then you feel that if so-and-so says something,
you have to do it, because God said so.
That is someone who doesn't understand
that they really do own themselves,
that God bought them the right to themselves.
And again, I'm not talking about any kind of power
that we have outside of Christ.
All of it, you know, that's what like the new agers believe.
They go, oh, we're real powerful beings.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Any power that I'm talking about, you know,
it's all one in Christ, you know.
But God's just like, hey, I gave you the power
to make your own decisions.
That is power.
The ability and the right to make your own decision
and to choose this or to choose that, that's power.
It's not a gun and it doesn't explode the universe,
but it is power.
Choosing this or choosing that, it's strength.
You know, it's power to be able to determine your own future,
meaning like, which you mean,
am I going to make this choice
or am I going to make this one?
And yes, I'm going to make this one.
So boom, here I go.
That's power right there, you know.
So that's why we always want to ask the Lord,
okay, how do I do this in your character
so that I only do what you do?
I only do what I see the Father doing.
Why?
Because I choose to only operate
within unification with Christ.
Not outside of him, doing my own thing,
just trying to please you.
God's like, that's still separation.
I want everything in union.
So that's what I mean.
It's this ownership of your right
and responsibility to make your own decision.
You're not obligated to whatever your mom wishes you would be
or whatever your husband wants you to do
or wishes you would be.
You have the right to make your own decision.
Now, and I'm just putting this in context.
Say for instance, you know, your husband.
God calls that wise to submit to their husbands, right?
But you get to choose whether or not you're going to submit.
God gave you guidance of like,
hey, this is what I am guiding you.
And what I'm telling you spiritually is
I have provided as a means by which you can be protected,
that you can take advantage of,
not at advantage of in a negative way,
but advantage of as in like,
hey, you've got this great opportunity
that you can take advantage of.
He's like, I provided this for you.
And this is the place that I have provided for you
under my protection,
is as submitting to your husband and all of that.
But you get to choose as to whether or not you do that.
That's what I'm saying,
is take all of your actions of obedience to the Lord
as you deciding that that's what you want to do,
as opposed to feeling like you're a victim to have to do it.
So think about it.
Either way you can submit yourself to your husband,
but one way is in a powerful way
because you realize that you had a choice.
The other one is in a very weak way
because you didn't realize you had a choice.
Either one, you did it,
but one is powerful knowing who they are
and the other one isn't.
And it feels like they're a victim to life
and a victim to a circumstance.
So that's what I'm saying.
Same thing like with, I don't know, your friends
or like, I don't know, children in your life,
your nieces and nephews or people you teach
or kids you teach in Sunday school
or your parents or whatever,
is when I'm talking about like giving yourself
to other people you can't give yourself
unless you own yourself.
Otherwise, you're not really giving you,
you're simply a mirror to them of what it is
and you're giving them what it is that they have ordered
as if they're ordering a hamburger
of what it is they want to have in their life.
And you figure out how you can be that hamburger
and that exact flavor that they ordered so they can have it.
That's not owning you as opposed to,
okay, no, they have a particular need.
God put me in their life because I am what they need.
But if you aren't allowing yourself to be you,
you aren't giving them what God intended
to fulfill their need.
They can't tell you what they need.
Only you are God's answer of what they need.
He gave them you.
He didn't put Rita in their life,
He put you.
Because they didn't need Rita's spirit,
Rita with God's spirit.
They needed yours.
Didn't need mine, they needed yours.
So that's what I'm saying, but if you don't give yourself access to you and who God made you to be and own yourself, understand, wait a minute, I have a decision about whether or not I make I do this.
You know, who am I with the Lord, who am I versus who do they wish that I was, who am I that that you can give the other you can't, you can't give you because you're not you're not even accessing you to give you.
So you don't even have you to give you're not even accessing yourself. That's what that's what I'm saying.
Does that make a little more sense. Yeah, that's, it's really powerful to I appreciate that.
Because I think a lot of times, like, I think I can come off like, I don't know, my husband I we talked about like, who do we think we are as individuals versus how do other people experience us.
And, like, just like in work, you know, like, well, I think I'm just starting to realize like, okay, it's more of a mixture of both like you don't we have blind spots and we don't see ourselves fully but I do think that I have a capacity sometimes
to try to be what somebody else wants me to be, instead of just being like owning like no this is who I am like, I want to operate in God's level like my personality like I don't need to temper it down to make someone feel more like you don't even mean like, Oh, I'm
extra or I'm to this or I'm not enough this like, I think it's like I have had a time where I just like kind of beat myself up just because I'm trying to fit into other people's expectations of who I am or how I should express myself being.
I know there are norms to certain things right obviously but you know like but you know what I'm saying it's like just feeling like you're too much or not enough of something and I think this is a good time of just being like no this is who I am this is what God made me and just walking into another level of that, you know, so yeah.
And if it's ever one of those other circumstances that you were alluding to have like well you know there's other norms and whatever stuff like that remember that you still need to make the choice that you're going to do it, as opposed to, Oh, I have to.
This is expected. Do it from a power you can still do the same thing, you can still Okay, I am going to temper, whatever, but make it a choice that you are making of like hey this is who I am, but I'm just going to express it a bit differently because they have a hard time understanding
that I'm doing this, this, this scares them or this they just wouldn't understand or this this whatever. And so you're doing it because you're making a powerful decision to help them, because they can't relate to this other aspect of you, but make it a powerful choice
this is what I'm going to do. I don't have to.
But this is what I'm going to choose for them. That's another way and that expresses you, your ability to give yourself, because you own yourself, you made the decision, not you felt like you had to see just like, Okay, well I'm being made to get this victim mentality, where you end up expressing
yourself in this way.
But you did it from a victim mentality as opposed to, oh, they're not hearing me or understanding me here. So therefore, I'm going to, you know what, I could, I could do this but I'm going to, I'm going to help them out.
I'm being made to express myself like down here, but you're powerfully choosing that as opposed to, oh my word I'm being made to, I'm being made to squish. I'm being made to, in other words, doing it from a powerful position is not self stifling, doing it from a victim mentality is self stifling.
And that's what so many people, especially, um, you know, movies and whatever, you know, they all talk about, oh, don't, don't stifle yourself and you just be free and you just be you and I kind of watch it and I'm going, no, you're being an aspect of you that is inappropriate in this situation.
Just because you like to talk loud does not mean that in the middle of a concert, or in a, or in the middle of a funeral, you need to be yourself. It's not appropriate to express yourself like that.
You're not stifling. If you just and I'm just using loudness as an example I don't know what aspects of your personality you're talking about I'm just you talking I was just thinking what's a really obvious when I could talk, I could I would talk about people's volume, you know, you know, and then they can they can choose, oh you know what, this is who I am and therefore because
you powerfully know who I am, I can powerfully not be that. If you can't help but be this,
you still haven't owned you because you can't control you. You don't, you haven't dominated
yourself. You don't rule you yet. You're victim to you. But if you really do own yourself,
you get to choose and control your expression and whatever. So that just kind of give further
context. But what I'm talking about, like owning oneself and like being one's true self,
being one's true self just means like owning one's right to oneself and then making powerful
decisions from that place. It doesn't mean you always act the same way all the time, you know,
if that's helpful. Thank you. Yes, very much. You're welcome. All right. Well,
oh, sorry, Rita, did you have? I just kind of wanted to ask. So the victim mentality would
be out of like guilt or shame or obligation or manipulation. So if you have any of those like
negative kind of feelings and you do it out of that instead of powerfully choosing that other
feelings of the victim. Correct. For instance, I have things that I used to do with certain people
in my life out of obligation and victim mentality, like again, because it was based off of guilt,
manipulation. And oh, my word, they want me to do this, even if even if they're manipulated,
they're trying to get they're trying to get a specific response out of me. So they manipulate
things. It's how they word things. And they make me feel really bad. And I'm like, oh, my word.
And so and but if you do it from this feeling, oh, my word, they're making me do this. And
I really don't want to do this, but I have to or whatever. That is from a victim mentality. And
that's that's not owning oneself. But if you really OK, they really just can't seem to handle
this aspect of me or they can't handle the truth. They can't handle the truth of
theirs in my relationship. They want more from our relationship than they're willing to healthily be
responsible for. So therefore, I can't give them that aspect of my relationship so I can just be
surface level with them. So it looks to them like I am giving into their manipulation, but because I
know what's going on, I'm like, no, but I've realized, you know, no, you know, I don't have
to do anything and whatever, but they can't seem to handle a different type of relationship with me.
So I can choose to do this other and then just let the chips fall where they may or I can choose,
OK, this is just evidence of where it is that they are right now. So I will meet them there.
And trust me, they may not know it immediately, but they will eventually they will sense the fact
that you are powerfully making the choice to do that and they will know they're not manipulating
you, even though you can be meeting all of the things that they're trying to do to manipulate you.
They can figure out you're doing it on purpose and that they're not manipulating you,
that those are intentional choices that you're making and they don't own you, you do. Anyway.
Yeah, that was a good way of expressing it. So anything that you do, so those are things you
can look for anything that you're doing out of guilt, manipulation, whatever,
or obligation, all those are a sense that those are signs to you that you're stifling yourself
and you're doing things out of victim mentality as opposed to realizing you're not under any
obligation to be shamed or guilt or obligated or or manipulated. And you don't you don't have to.
And that you're going to choose that this is what you want to do. Yeah.
There's a bit more that I could say about that, but I don't really can't really figure out how
to word it right now. But anyway, all right, well, I will let y'all go. It's a good discussion.
I hope it was helpful. Okay, well, I will see y'all on Tuesday then for the rest.
Great. Yes. Bye. Bye. Thank you.