Thank you.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you?
I'm so funny I forgot that I forgot to get the right zoom meeting I was on the wrong.
Yeah, I was on the on the one that, because what I did is I put the fireside chat and the rest group for the and all on the same same as zoom link, but then I left the international one at three o'clock I left that one to be the old rest
that was on a separate link. Anyway, the reason you have to do it like that is because you can't do it you can repeat the same zoom link at the every day at the same time, but I you can't do it twice in one day.
So, since this is at three o'clock.
I can't also have the same link work for nine o'clock that night.
Unless I do like a, like the personal meeting room or whatever anyway point is, I had to have it separate and I completely forgot so I was on the other one I'm like, I know it's like where are they and I'm like, I'm in the wrong room.
How are you, how have you been.
Well, I don't know, did you see my last journey share.
I don't know when did you post it. I think I posted it a day ago.
Oh, darn. Then no I didn't I thought I checked it.
I thought I checked it yesterday but maybe I checked it the day before yesterday and no one had posted anything for a few days so anyway no I guess I didn't know, I think I posted it a day wasn't yesterday morning so maybe.
Okay.
Okay, yeah I guess I haven't.
Telling her about my journey show your post. Yeah.
Well I'm gone. Yeah, I just I just, I just thought today, so I would have called you if not. Yeah.
I was like, Oh no.
Are you feeling better.
Well, I kind of, I kind of like I'm telling on the journey share is that I'm, I've been struggling quite a bit with I guess
and just feeling like nothing's working and a bit scared of becoming burnt out like I was this summer.
And what I think there's a lot of reasons for it, but I think that learning to live and rest is like, I'm learn, I do it.
And then I fall out of it.
And sometimes also learning to live and rest becomes a task.
Like, oh I want to get at this, or I have to sometimes become like a striving or I'm not in rest, I should be in rest.
You know, so that I can tell like I'm passing through things and rest, and then it can go a couple of hours and then all in stress again.
And then you have to kind of do it all over again or. Yeah, so I think, I think I've been feeling really hopeless, and also there's happened so many things the last months, and that you know some of it.
We don't live in the same city, we don't get to talk as much, but I also, you know some of it, but actually, you know all the things that happened before Christmas with relationships and a lot of stress at work, and also very heavy spiritual climate at school with a lot of darkness.
And I'm now also exciting things like things that still requires a lot of night like to do the five Facebook lives took a lot of took a lot of energy because I was going against the fear of man, and I was putting myself out there and I was sharing something deeply that was huge, even
how do you handle that I was totally unprepared to handle criticism. You could have done like we're not as a cooking show.
That's the next thing. But then and also you're sharing something very personal and intimate, and I felt like I was supposed to do it and it was a lot of joy doing it, but also, it cost me a lot.
And then in two weeks all these crazy things happened with the singing suddenly I was conducting a choir of 90 and I haven't conducted for 15 years.
10 years probably, like nothing.
And like I was put on a spot like that
and that was like a lot of work, extra work.
And then I was asked to be part of leading worship
in a corporate worship for the whole city,
which kind of a big thing with a full band
and me as the one of two singers.
So it's also a lot of responsibility
and it's a lot of like singing in the spirit.
It's not just, oh, you come up there and you sing.
It's kind of require, it's kind of expected
that you come up with songs on the spot like that
in the spirit and like lead out spiritually.
It's very like prophetic worship.
It's very like, it's not like,
oh, let's sing these three songs.
It's like, what is the spirit saying?
And you sing it out.
And I'm just not used to like, kind of like Bethel,
this kind of like coming up.
I'm like, that's the only way I lead worship.
Yeah.
I don't like, I do be in the spirit quite a bit,
but it's like, but just to come up with spots like that
in a corporate worship for the whole city,
it's kind of, and then I was asked to sing in the cathedral
like back in Domshirke, which is crazy.
It's like a crazy God thing that this lady felt led to do,
like have a concert.
Then it's me and she's the lead main singer.
And then there's me and two other vocalists.
So we're only four people, four girls.
And I'm gonna be singing.
She's asked me to sing solo on some of the things
and also to back her up in some things.
And then there's a full band
and that's gonna happen in three weeks.
We have a concert in the cathedral
in the second biggest city in Norway.
It's like, even she is like,
she doesn't know how this happened.
And she just felt God tell her to ask me.
She'd never heard me sing.
She had no idea I was a singer.
She didn't know.
She knew I was a singer,
but she didn't know if I could sing well.
And she just felt like God tell her,
you need to ask Conor to join this.
And it's in three weeks.
So, and then she found out I could sing.
So she was happy, but-
She's like, oh my God, the Lord knew what he was doing.
But I kind of like,
I don't know how to handle all these things
because it's like,
and then I've started this weight thing.
There's, I don't know.
I think I just had like a little tiny bit
of a breakdown on Wednesday night.
I think it was Wednesday.
And I still feel my heart is not healed fully
from the relationship things that happened.
Some of the things haven't been restored.
I still feel pain.
And I also think that I wish I was further in rest
or I was like handling things better
or carrying all this new responsibility.
And that I was carrying things at work
and things there are thrown at me all the time
from the leadership and then with the other teachers
and challenging things with the students.
And so it's like, I'm living in rest in some ways,
but then I also am living in stress at the same time.
And then this feeling of hopelessness
just overcame me on Wednesday.
And I was like,
I know that there are a lot of things are better in my life.
And I know that God has done a lot,
but I don't know if you can recognize this, Ashley,
the thing of like,
maybe it's just a deeper layer of stress,
like as if he's done something here,
but then there's just something deeper now
that's being touched because you're carrying more things
or because you're ready for it
or I just thought that,
I just don't know why I suddenly felt so hopeless
or even thought this isn't working.
You know, you get all these thoughts, this doesn't work.
And then I'm like, yes, I know it works,
but it feels like it doesn't work.
And I just feel hopeless
and I don't know what to do anymore.
So that's where I'm at.
Yeah, we have a lot going on, a lot going on.
So what you can do is,
the good thing is that it's in times like this
that you can take advantage of times like this by,
because, sorry, I know I'm not articulating
all of this very quickly or succinctly,
but you can take advantage of times like this
because it's when things are this hard,
when your old modus operandi is to strive
and to be very, very stressed and whatever,
that you can make the most significant.
can change during this time. In other words, you write a new record. So when you make a decision
during the most stressful, the most difficult times, in other words, the times that are the
most ingrained of an old belief system, if you make the decision in those times, it makes the,
it's more powerful than if you make it at easier times or for lighter things or whatever.
But the thing is, is it's just as hard as what it is that you're feeling. And it can be, I mean,
so everything that it is that you're feeling is very normal. This is what God is saying that
he wants us to not live in this kind of bondage. And he wants us to risk to be able to live in
freedom instead. So that's all that it's doing is it's highlighting what our lives are like
when we're not in rest and how hard that is, how isolating it is from the Lord. And he's saying,
I offer something more, I offer something better. So that it's all that it's, it's all that it's
highlighting is that you're living, you're living a very normal human existence and got that Jesus
did as well. And God is like, Hey, there's another way to live this. I intended for Adam before he
fell to live very, very differently than what you're currently experiencing, but what you're
currently experiencing is the normal human experience since Adam fell. So, so you can feel
very normal. It's not that anything is just like horribly wrong. It's that, that just highlights
for you, the depravity and the, and the bondage that we're in without the Lord is that where's
this feeling that we're, we're constantly trying to keep up. We're constantly trying to do the
right thing. And there's all of these obstacles that are trying to thwart our success, you know,
or there's so much that the Lord wants from me, you know, I've got to make sure I do all this
right and whatever. So my point is that it's very, very normal, but it's, um, that there,
what you can do is you can shift into rust in this time. And if you do that, it is the most
powerfully effective time to do it, but it's extremely hard. It's extremely hard. It's not
that it's complex. It's that is it's as hard as all of the agony that you're feeling, because
here's what you have to do in order to shift into rust. You do it the same thing in this situation
that you do in any other time, you know, you go through the rush shifting tools and all of that,
you know, to kind of like help you. But what you're really having to do is you're having to
choose God. And the fact that the results of what it is of all of your actions, in other words,
the outcome of all of your actions about what it is, how it is that you practice and how it is
that you do this, you know, the, the performance and work towards the cathedral and performance.
And I don't know, juggle all of this stuff at school and, and, um, have to, um, face all of
that, the darkness and all of that stuff. Um, the, um, you, um, the, I'm sorry, someone just
came in and want to make sure I'm not anybody's way. I'm in somebody else's house. Um, and, um,
but it's you, sorry, I lost my train of thought there, but the point was that I was saying that,
um, you know, you've got all of these things that are causing a lot of stress. And so what you have
to do is you have to choose, oh, this is where I was. You do is you have to choose that the outcome
of all of your actions is in God's hands and not yours, because that's, what's creating the stress
is you feel the responsibility for the outcome. You think, oh my goodness, but what if, and how
am I going to fit it all in? And oh my goodness, I've got, I've got now my, my day is filled up
with, or my week is filled up with so many more action points. And am I, are we going to be able
to do it, you know, in time and, you know, and then how am I going to be able to juggle all these
balls and be able to do everything well, so that the right thing happens as a result of everything
it is that I'm doing. So that's where all of this stress is. The stress is in the concern of how,
of, of what's going to happen as a result of all of the actions. So what you have to do is that
thing, that outcome, the result, what happens, how it looks, what turns out, and how it turns out
has to be given it completely to the Lord, where it's not your responsibility. It's not your
burden. You don't have to figure it out. You don't have to make it happen. All that you do, God's
responsible for it. And you actually have to give it to him. And you have to stop. You have to stop,
not just feeling responsible.
But you have to stop holding yourself responsible.
And it feels weird because it will feel we're so used to holding responsibility in order
to survive.
We feel that if it doesn't include all of our exertion and all of our effort, then it
won't happen.
And that's bogus.
It's God saying, no, I want you to entrust me with it and trust that I will make it happen.
And without you needing to carry the responsibility of making it happen.
So you just go through the actions.
Once you've given it to the Lord, you're like, okay, Lord, then I'm just going to go through
the actions.
I'm going to just do what I need to do.
But my actions are, I'm not going to allow my actions and what it is that I do to carry
any kind of weight of what's going to happen because I'm doing these things.
I'm just going to do these things.
I'm going to go to the choir practices and then I'm just going to sing because I know
how to sing.
And then we stop periodically and they're like, okay, Renata, do this instead.
I know that you did this in the last run, but do this instead.
And then you just adjust.
You don't be like, oh my goodness, I've got to make sure and oh my goodness.
And then start getting smaller and tighter and more rigid.
You just like, okay, fine.
That's how they tell me to change it.
I'll change it.
And then you stop periodically because somebody else needs to be changed and they need to
alter the drums or they need to alter the violin or they need to whatever.
You just kind of allow everything to happen without wondering emotionally, how is this
all going to work?
And is this actually really going to be good?
And how much more time is this going to take?
And am I actually really going to be good enough or whatever else it is I feel oppressed
or burdened by?
You actually just go through the process and trust that God is placed within you what the
situation requires.
And you just apply yourself without carrying the responsibility of what happens because
you're doing what you're doing.
That's where all the stress comes.
And so if you stop carrying the weight of it and you just give it up to God and you're
like, okay, Lord, then let the performance be whatever it is.
Let my reputation be whatever it is that you create.
Let my ability be whatever it is that you've put within me.
Just go through the actions and actually enjoy it.
You will have more fun.
You will sing better.
You will perform better.
And I'm just using that as one example because you've mentioned multiple things that are
going on.
But the amount of time that's required to put all of these things in, you're like, oh
my goodness, I've got to go straight from class and then I've got to do this and I've
got to do this.
And the timing just has to work out right.
Don't emotionally carry the responsibility of making the timing work out just right.
You just plan it and you're like, okay, now that class is finished, now I'm going to do
this because that's what I planned to do.
I planned that.
Then I go to my car and then I take this highway because it's faster.
But you don't emotionally carry the stress of, oh my goodness, traffic isn't working
in my favor and this isn't working in my favor.
What's going to happen?
That's what we're carrying and that's what we've got to stop.
We've got to just go through the actions and enjoy the moments.
Enjoy the process.
Enjoy the journey because the whole point of what it is that we're doing here on earth
is to take the journey of the development of our relationship with the Lord.
That's the whole point.
The whole point is not getting anywhere with the Lord.
The whole point is not getting into any particular destination, even some kind of like a great
maturity of our relationship with him.
It's the development of our relationship that's the point.
We're never going to get anywhere with the Lord, meaning like a particular place that
we're all going to end up.
Because God is, I believe that God is ever expanding.
He's infinite.
We're never going to reach the end of him.
So therefore the point must not be arriving anywhere because we never arrive anywhere.
It's just constantly developing more and more, becoming more and more intimate with him because
he's infinite.
We're never going to get to the end.
So apparently the whole point is the journey.
So just to express that into the physical realm as well, enjoy the process of living.
Enjoy just the action.
So now that God is taking care of the responsibility of what happens and how everything works out
and whether or not you get to choir practice on time and whether or not this works out
and whether or not, you know, you're all mesh and whether or not whatever, you know, let
him be responsible for that.
And you just enjoy getting to come along for the ride.
don't have to bear the burden, the weight
and the responsibility of it.
Does that make sense?
Yes, it does.
It's very, very good.
I just feel like, I think I spent,
when I get into stress,
it's like I muster up a lot of energy to do something.
Oh yeah.
Or you think like, oh, this is coming against me.
I need to fight it.
Yes.
Or like, why am I in unrest?
And it becomes like, oh, I need to get into it again
and I need to work to get into it again.
Or must like, if there's something relational,
it's like, how am I gonna handle this?
And what is my responsibility?
And it becomes like, what is my part?
What is, it becomes very like detailed.
Like you said, just, okay,
God is responsible for my relationships.
God is responsible for my work, for my singing.
Okay.
And not carry and not like, okay,
these, the other lead singer is singing 10 songs
in the spirit on the spot and I can't do that.
Or I'm not there yet,
but I don't have to approach it or attack it
from either any way I can just, okay, I'm not there.
I'll just sing along and the lead out wherever I can.
And if there comes a song, I'll sing it.
And if not, I don't have to muster it up.
But I think that's what I do.
I like, it's because I observe what's going on
and you're like, and you realize,
oh, they're at another level than me
or they're doing something I don't know,
or they have a different level of freedom
or this is what we've started here.
Merit.
That we start comparing ourselves.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it is.
We now have a new standard
that we're checking ourselves against.
Yeah.
And then that's where the stress comes in.
When I, how am I gonna approach this relationship?
How am I gonna approach this thing in the worship team?
How am I gonna fix these things?
That's where, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, and so, because again,
we see something outside of us
and we think that that's something that we have to,
that we have, then we have to feel like
we emotionally have to beat ourselves into submission
to change enough to actually get that kind of a result
as opposed to just enjoying us being
and just seeing, well, what powerful thing comes out
of who it is that I am with the Lord
and how it is that I operate, you know?
So, but anyway, but that's important.
And I think, because what happened is that
I am freely, I'm singing, and then one of the leads,
and I sing out some, and then the lead singer,
or the one that's more experienced than me,
because I'm new, she says,
that's so amazing when you sing.
I can feel there's so much more.
You should just go for it.
And then, and she's thinking, she's encouraging me,
but I'm stressed, because now I feel like
I need to perform, or I need to change,
or how am I gonna approach this?
Oh, I see.
That I'm not doing enough,
or that there's so much more here, but I'm not doing it.
Yeah, correct.
Yeah, I know.
That's just an example of how I feel in many situations.
Correct, I have a tendency to do the same thing,
especially if what it is that I'm doing
is not affirmed first,
and then I just hear the encouragement.
I take it as that where it is that I am now isn't enough.
So yeah, that's very normal.
I mean, meaning like that's very normal
for someone who has particular past woundings,
where I'm just not ever feeling good enough.
There's a need for a lot of affirmation before encouragement,
because otherwise we take the encouragement
as correction and as a description or whatever,
the fact that we're not quite enough.
So yeah, that's understandable.
But in situations like that,
what's always best is to take that as,
is to give to yourself what you wish
someone else would give to you.
So if you wish that someone else
would give you that affirmation first
before the encouragement, you do that.
You shift into that place with the Lord,
like, okay, what does God say?
Between me and him, am I enough?
Am I good?
And he's just like, yeah, just where you are,
as you are, you're just fine.
Like, okay, all right.
So now that that's settled in me,
and now that that's what I choose is actually true,
now you can choose to take on what it is that they said
in the way that you want to.
Like, okay, do you want to push yourself to that?
Like, not push as in like a bad push,
not like stress or sweat,
but really kind of like,
do you want to now receive what they mentioned?
as encouragement, do you now wanna receive it
into yourself is permission.
Permission to be bigger
than you've been expressing yourself.
Because if she's saying, hey, there's more there,
it means obviously, as you know,
that you're actually bigger
than you're letting yourself be on the outside.
And she's like, let it out.
So you're being given permission
because people like you and me,
especially really anybody in the rest intensive,
you know, because if they're attracted
to the rest intense that they got these root things,
we're always waiting on permission.
And so take it for,
so basically take what it is that someone is offering
and then you be your own parent
and you choose what you wanna do for you,
as opposed to always feeling like you have to react
and respond to what somebody else wants
or thinks is a good idea or whatever.
So you internalize between you and the Lord,
okay, Lord, who am I again?
And you get to that and you get that,
you get solid in that again and choose.
And remember that the more that you practice this
in when you're alone and when you are,
I don't know, just in everyday situations,
the easier that you'll be able to do it
in a situation where you're in front of someone else,
and all of a sudden, you have to shift really quickly
and then you have to decide how it is
that you want to receive what it is that they just said,
because there's not much time in a situation like that.
So, but the more that you do it when you're on your own,
the easier it'll be and the faster
that you'll be able to shift when you're in those moments,
when you're right in front of somebody
and you've got to shift really fast,
you've got to, okay,
because you can't go into your prayer closet alone
and try to get right with,
try to remember who it is that you are.
And then, I mean, it's requires an immediate response
because somebody's standing right in front of you.
And so if you're practiced,
then it's easier to shift in those moments
and then be able to respond to the person.
But again, remember, own your own life.
You don't have to jump to when somebody else wants you to,
even if they're encouraging or if they're discouraging
or if they're correcting,
you don't have to do a dagging thing.
You don't want to.
You own you and decide, okay,
how do I want to receive what they said?
Like, what do I want to do with what they said?
Not because they said it,
but what do I think about what they said?
Do I think that that's something
that I would like to stretch myself to do,
to give myself, take that as,
and use their words internally to myself,
like my spirit to my soul and tell myself,
hey, you now have permission.
You now have permission to be bigger.
You now have permission to be louder.
You now have permission to be more expressive,
you know, and to take up more room, you know,
but you tell yourself that.
You own the direction and the instruction
that you allow your soul to hear.
Don't allow your soul to be owned
and to be moved and swayed by somebody else's instruction
or correction or encouragement.
You hear what people say,
and then you decide your spirit needs to filter all of that
and your soul needs to listen
to what your spirit is telling it to do.
Your spirit can like be prompted
by something that someone else says.
I'm like, oh, well, that's an interesting idea.
Well, what do I think about that?
But you own you and you protect your soul
by filtering out what people say,
and then your spirit giving the instruction to your soul
if your spirit likes what the person said
and thinks that it's a good thing.
Does that make sense?
That'll help a lot.
And then you'll be able to see stuff
that is encouraging from people easier to,
you'll more easily see it as encouragement
than correction if you own it for you.
If you are right, if you remember who it is that you are,
you're like, okay, I'm perfectly fine.
I don't have to change.
I'm perfectly fine the way that I am.
I know that they want that, that's nice for them.
But between me and God, I have to know that I'm okay.
Okay, I am okay.
Okay, now that I'm okay,
and now that there's no longer any pressure,
now that there's no longer any threat,
now that I don't have to, if I don't want to,
what do I want to do?
Now that I don't have to, do I really want to do that?
And then give the instruction to your soul
if that's what you want to do.
And you can do all of this really fast.
I'm just walking you through the background process
of kind of like what's going on so that you know
like what it is you're really doing and whatever.
And you're not gonna be able to do this.
People usually can't do this kind of thing on the fly.
I would recommend practicing by yourself.
So say for instance, if you like practice singing
on your own or whatever, then you can,
or you can put yourself back in a situation
that you've been in before where someone told you,
hey, you should do this.
Put yourself back there and then try and practice it
when there's no one there but you.
To choose yourself, to choose to own what it is
that somebody else said and decide and filter it
and decide whether or not you want to give
that instruction to your soul
or if you don't want it to enter your soul.
So don't let somebody else instruct your soul what to do,
if that makes sense.
But yeah, so I think that things like that'll help.
But if you do it, if you practice it on your own,
it'll be easier live when someone's there
for you to own yourself.
Otherwise we can, otherwise if we think,
okay, well, I'm gonna try that next time.
Next time, it'll be your body and your soul
will react the way it always has,
because that's habit.
And so to learn something new in front of people
where you're trying to actually execute,
send a particular performance and all work together,
it's gonna be a lot and it would feel very discouraging.
So anyway, so all of these things are very simple.
I'm just trying to like really give a full explanation,
a very thorough explanation of what's going on.
But really what it is you're doing is you're choosing
who are you with the Lord?
Who are you to the Lord?
Are you enough without changing how you're singing,
without you even singing well?
I'm sure you sing great,
but I'm saying like, that's always our fear, isn't it?
That I actually am not as good as I wish I were, right?
So we have to actually, we have to choose that who it is
that we are in value to the Lord
that has nothing whatsoever to do with what we're doing
and how well we're performing
or how well we're executing our giftings like singing.
We have to completely disassociate from that.
And then once we're disassociated from it,
we can more clearly and more solid,
what's the word for that?
We can more clearly and more healthfully emotionally
which is horrible grammar, but we're going with it.
We can move forward.
So anyway, is that helpful?
I know I gave you a lot,
but I wanted to be very thorough about what's going on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It makes sense.
When it comes to emotional things,
how about, I don't know,
this is probably maybe something else,
but it's what I said in the beginning.
When there are emotional wounds,
what I do is that I sometimes ask the spirit to come in
and Lord over and cover over the soul.
Is that just something you continue to do until it is healed
or is it like, okay, I now am choosing
the tree of life and then God has created
all these different things.
So maybe I should go and see a counselor
if there's like certain,
I see like there's a wound in my soul here.
I don't know.
I think now it looks like I jumped
from one subject to another.
Maybe I did, but-
No, I understood what you're saying, yeah.
So that's where I think I am
because in a way after I started the rest intensive,
I thought like, oh, now I don't necessarily have to talk
about these things anymore
because God can just directly heal me.
And he's done that before,
but then I have been inviting the spirit in quite a bit
to Lord over my soul and my body.
And I feel like he's doing something,
but there's still a pain in my heart
connected to the things that happened before Christmas.
Correct, yeah.
So I think I'm just kind of like, how do I,
and then I think my body,
I think one of the things that happened,
I think was a bit actually almost traumatic to me.
So when anything now resembles that,
I feel like I'm almost, I'm just reacting
like my body or my soul is reacting
like it does when something traumatic happened.
Yeah, like PTSD.
If something in a relationship
resembles just vaguely what happened,
then I kind of freeze or react or am in pain again,
even though it's not the same thing going on.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just wondering about healing,
like healing of soul, yeah.
Yeah, well, there is a restful way
to do some inner healing.
or healing work where you bring yourself to the Lord and then ask him, you know, what
it is that he's showing you about it.
If he's bringing certain things up and then there are certain things that, you know, you
begin to just ask him, okay, Lord will, you know, where were you in those types of situations
or Lord, what do you, you know, I'm, I, and then you bring your, and you, in all of that,
you're bringing your emotions to him.
You're allowing yourself to feel all your feelings with him.
So what we're used to doing is we're used to either not allowing ourselves to feel,
or we do allow ourselves to feel, but we disassociate from the Lord.
So we either disassociate from ourselves by trying to not feel, or we try to disassociate
from the Lord because we feel bad and, and it depends on the person as to what they
do.
If you're like me, this is what, this is what you sometimes do is you, you feel so
bad that you want to continue, how to word that, in a way you, you don't want to go to
God because you're concerned that he's going to correct you.
And it's just going to feel worse.
It's going to feel harder.
It's going to feel whatever.
And you just want to you just want to be mad right now because you feel that you deserve
it.
And, or you just want to be afraid and you don't want to deal with it.
And you feel like if you come to him that he's either going to correct you and get upset
at you, or that he is going to, I don't know, not allow you to feel that way anymore.
I don't know.
But a lot of times it's the correction that, Hey, you're not supposed to be feeling that,
Hey, you know, better than that.
Hey, you know, whatever that we're really afraid that we're going to experience when
we come to him.
And what's important is that we, is that we choose that when, that we don't turn our backs
on God and that we, when we're struggling, that we struggle with him because remember
what he called Israel, he called Israel.
Remember the name when he renamed Jacob Israel and all of his descendants, Israel names are
very important to the Lord.
And he named, he renamed Jacob Israel and Israel means he, who struggles with God.
God finds struggle to be a place of intimacy with him.
And so when you're mad, when you're scared, when you're hurt, when you're in pain, take
those, feel that fully with God.
In other words, in his presence and just go to him and like process all of those feelings
and all of the turmoil with him.
And what I would recommend is don't try so much to figure it out.
You can go to him and you can ask him what he thinks about it or what he, or, you know,
and you can tell him how it is that you feel.
And the fact that, Lord, I just don't understand why, why would you allow this?
Why have you been allowing this or Lord?
I don't understand why they did that.
You know, I really was trying to do the right thing and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, but, and
you just kind of like walk through it with the Lord, but I don't try to not make it
so mental, try to just make it more emotional.
And the reason why is that a lot of the logic is that the things of the spirit can only
be understood by the spirit.
So what you're doing is you were bringing yourself fully to the Lord so that his love
can heal you.
Not that his logic will make sense, but that his love will emotionally heal you.
Because here's the thing, any trauma that happened or any hurt that happens and affects
your emotions.
I know that that sounds really weird.
I'm trying to figure out how to say this in any emotional wound.
Let me word it that way.
Any emotional wound can only be healed by a higher emotion.
It cannot be healed by logic.
So going to God and trying to understand it will not heal your pain.
Only taking that fully into God and all of your emotions into God's presence and just
allowing him to just, to just love on you, to just spend time with you, to show you by
experience that he doesn't reject you.
And that if he corrects you, you won't feel a rejection in the correction.
See, historically, we have felt when we come to God and he corrects us, that creates more
rejection.
It creates more hurt.
And we need to learn that that was the only the way that, that, that our relationship
is with the Lord.
When we're approaching him out of strife and sweat and trying so hard to perform for him,
that we take correction as harshness, as rejection or whatever.
But when you come to the Lord, understanding that you're coming to him in full foundate
in the foundation that you were.
fully loved and accepted. There's nothing wrong with you and that you're fully valued for who
you are and not for how you perform. And God's okay with you being mad and he's okay with you,
you know, being afraid and he's just okay with you being wherever it is that you are right now.
As long as you're doing that with him, then that will experiencing that, experiencing,
feeling all those feelings in the Lord's presence and seeing how he interacts with you
will heal you because you'll discover, oh my word, I've discovered by experience that I
really am unconditionally loved and accepted. It's not some logic that the Lord's going to
fix things with of like understanding, well, Renata, you just need to put yourself in the
other person's shoes and you just need to understand that, you know, that, you know,
they just had a lot of difficult things going on. It doesn't matter if someone else has difficult
things going on, it hurt you. And that's the point that you're taking before the Lord. Lord,
I'm hurt and I can't seem to get healing. I can try to explain it away, explain why they said
what they said and try to figure out how I put myself in that situation or whatever it is that
we say to ourselves to try to kind of like logically walk ourselves out of it, logically
explain the situation to us, logically explain our experience, logically explain our hurt,
but it doesn't heal the hurt. So anyway, that's, that's what I would recommend. We've been talking
a lot about that. If you've been watching the fireside chats and the rest groups, we've been
talking a lot about, about how to go to the Lord with our negative emotions and just be there with
them. Specifically with them, some questions that, that Tammy has brought up. I watched number 62
and 63. Okay. Yeah. I haven't posted. There wasn't anything for this week, I think. Yes. Yeah. I,
I haven't posted them yet because I've needed good internet and I've been on the road ever since. So
so tell me, was it 62 or 63? I think I watched half of 62 and 63. I think it's 62. I don't know
that I posted 63 yet. I could be wrong. Maybe I have, I don't remember, but I have not posted
Sundays or Tuesdays yet. So I'm sorry about that. But, but now that I'm here, we're trying to get
my internet set up. In fact, I'm using cell service right now because we couldn't get it set
up in time for my call. But, but anyway, so, but you know, hopefully some I'll be able to get those
up soon, but my point is, but I think that some of that was even talked about last week about,
about a lot of negative emotions and how we're supposed to fully receive ourselves. And then
part of how we can learn to do that is to go to the Lord completely as we are, how it is that we're
feeling. And I am telling you, I practice this myself and I am telling you, it is shocking.
If you just allow yourself to just feel what you're feeling and stop fighting it, it is amazing
how the resistance immediately drops. I mean, like immediately. And then whatever it is that
caused the negative emotions so quickly just dissipates kind of like, well, it's not as
important to me now. I mean, like immediately, I'm not joking. It really is. Well, if you fully
accept yourself and stop resisting the fact that you feel that way, well, I shouldn't feel this way.
This is probably ungodly. If you stop doing that and you fully accept yourself as you are again,
in the Lord's presence, like, okay, he says, I'm fine. Okay. Then I'll accept myself like this.
I'm just mad right now, or I'm afraid. And immediately, once you accept yourself and you
stop resisting yourself and you accept in the way that you do that is you believe that that's how
God sees you and that how he's receiving you. All of the sudden it like drops from like a 10 to a one
when you're like, okay, well, so the issue is still there and I still need to deal with it.
But now I went from a 10 to a one. It's not as intense. And I'm just like, okay. So it,
so it really is a very big deal that we start dropping all of this resistance to ourselves.
And that will help you deal with it. It'll help you also heal from the Lord,
because part of the thing with healing with the Lord is we have to stop resisting his healing.
And so we have to stop dropping it. We have to start dropping all of our walls
or stop trying to hold them up when God's love is trying to topple them down.
So anyway, that's what I would say to all of that. Is that helpful?
Yeah. Thank you. That's great.
You're welcome. Remember that the whole point of all of this is you is, is us all in the rest
intensive is choosing more love and freedom in God. It's true. In other words, it's choosing God.
It's letting go of our life and choosing.
him. Rest and no stress and no anxiety, that is a byproduct. That's just, that's, that's
not the point. That can't be the point or we're always going to be struggling to get
into rest and be very frustrated with ourselves whenever we get out of it. It's going to be
another, it's going to be the next thing to do. It's going to be something that we're
striving for and that we're sweating for or whatever. We have to choose that we're, we
have to switch to letting go more and more of this life and choosing more and more God
himself as being what we value. And then the result of that is rest. That has to be the,
has to be the point. Otherwise, like you said, rest starts being something else that we keep
trying to accomplish and, and that can't be sustained. So anyway, yeah, it's not the real
thing. Anyway. Yeah. So good. Yeah. Well, how are you Annette? I'm doing good. Like
I am, I'm feel like I'm feeling good. It's very, we have an expression in Norway called
it's completely Texas. I love it. My friend, my friend Caitlin was like, Hey, do you have
an expression? She's from Austin. She's like, do you have an expression called it's completely
Texas? And I was like, no. And then I'm like, Oh, we totally do. I had to write her back.
I'm like, I'm sorry. Yeah, we do. It's when things are just out of control. It's like
completely Texas. It's the wild west. I love it. It was actually in one of the papers.
It was like, you'll see it like completely Texas. Like that will be like a headline in
the papers. And just like everybody would then just know, Oh, okay. It was crazy. Like
it was, it doesn't have to be bad, but just like, it could be like out of control or just
like, it's just actually used as an adjective. Yeah. Really? What does it mean? Yeah. Yeah.
Like a Texan way. Like, yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like what you say,
like the wild west is like out of the ordinary. It's like, it's not, it's yeah. It's something
different. It's like, it's Texas, you know? It's like, that is hilarious. I love it. I
have to tell my husband, we've just moved to Texas and he's finding it all very interesting.
He's like, don't really love yourselves. Don't you? It's like, yes, we do.
It's like, it's Texas. It's so funny. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So I started a new job and that is,
that's completely Texas. Like that is, well, that's just, it's not just Texas. That's like
cowboy. It feels like very cowboy place to be. Yeah. It's just out of control. A lot of it.
It's like a lot of just chaotic communications and a lot of crazy expectations.
She must've accidentally hit, leave the meeting.
Oh, she just went like that. Yeah. It was really fast. Yeah. Unless I was going to say,
unless someone called her or interrupted, but I don't think that it shuts off as soon as she is.
She's coming in. Yeah.
Oh, I think Zoom is like censoring me for speaking too much about Texas.
I was going to say, it's true. It is completely Texas. It's crazy.
Yeah. No, but so I, I don't think I've done as much in a place before in five weeks and,
and meaning things I don't like yesterday, one of the vice presidents was just like,
just casually sent me an email at four 30 in the afternoon. Mind you, like we don't work like
Americans do. So it's like, I'm like, yeah. So I'm like, it's, it's getting close to like go
home. Like you don't send me an email to ask me to do something like that time, even if you're
the vice president, like it's just, it's not, not very Norwegian. But anyways, but she sent me this
like, Oh, can you just like write an article about what we're.
we're doing up North. And I was like, what, like, I actually
started laughing. Because I'm like, there's no way I can do
that. I'm not a journalist. I don't even know what we're doing
up North. Like, what are you even asking me? You know, so I
sent to my German colleague who's on vacation in South
Africa. I'm like, excuse me, like what? And then she sends
back she's like, Oh, normally, the journalist does this blah,
blah, blah. Vice President writes back like, Oh, well, you
can call her my colleague writes her back, it's too late.
Then my colleague goes, maybe Annette can figure something
out and send it to you. So mind you, I'm like sitting because I
had other things to do. So I had to leave work and go do
something, come back. And then I had to sit and just, and that
does things she doesn't know how to do. So I created an article
found some pictures, figure it out what we're trying to like
what we're doing up North. And I just made this like, newsletter
article thing, and I sent it to them this morning. I'm like,
super impressed. Like, I'm pulling this out of thin air.
Like, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm glad y'all liked it,
because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, well, this is
the best I know how to do. So in that sense, I just feel like
I've gotten to a point where I'm, that reminded me when you
were talking about the singing Renate, because I do a lot of
like the prophetic singing, but I think in that too, like I've
gotten to where it's like, God, if you don't show up, like, I
mean, it's gonna be you, it's not gonna be me, you know, like,
I can't do this. So either show me how or like, I don't know,
you know. So obviously, it just shows me what to do. And that's
the same with like, the prophetic singing. It's like,
sometimes he gives you something if it's for the people, you
know, that are there, or for yourself. And sometimes you get
nothing, because it's just not about, it's not about us. You
know, it's about Yeah, yeah. So I think, to me, that's just been
super helpful to just, so I feel like a lot of like, so when you
were talking right out, I'm like, Oh, yeah, I not like that.
But I remember that, like how I would also be super scared
about, oh, my gosh, I have to like, come up with something or
somebody be like, oh, it's amazing when you sing
prophetically, and you do this, and then it becomes this
expectation. And even if you do like back to back services,
it's like, it'll be one service with like, so much blowing
worship and like prophetic singing. And then the next one
is like nothing. And they kind of feel cheated, you know, and
it's like, Oh, well, it's like, well, it's not like this isn't
rehearses, like if God has something to say for me, I'll
say it, you know, but it's me making up something and that
you're gonna notice. That's different. If I make something
up to, you know, yeah. Um, so just to take the pressure off,
like, that's, that's one hot tip I would give you is just I mean,
whenever I worship, I'm like, God, if you don't land on my
voice, like, it's just gonna be me singing. So I mean, I
preferred a few show up, you know, and I think the people
here would prefer that too. So I think to me, it's, it's, it's
definitely very different to perform like in a choir or like,
a concert than worship, because I feel like worship, it's like,
it's all on God. It's like, I'm just here. Like, you can use me.
But yeah. Um, so I think those things are good. Um, and mainly
I'm feeling good. I was really super joyful, like earlier this
week, and then my doctor, Renata, and I used to have the
same doctor, I don't know if you have the same one anymore. But
yeah, okay. Um, she has a very nice way of so she wrote me and
she's like, Oh, so Annette, you're heavily under medicated.
I have thyroid disease. So I use medication. And she's like, it
shows up, you're heavily under medicated. Is it like, have you
been feeling over medicated? And then you've just like, a changed
your medicine. I love that she just thinks that I do that. No.
But then, but then I was like, Oh, my goodness, I actually
haven't taken medication for two weeks. That's really bad. Because
I forgot to get new pills. So on one hand, I'm like, super
joyful and like all of this. And I'm like, Oh, it makes sense why
I'm being so tired. And that could also have an impact on
like me gaining weight, you know, because I mean, that's a
direct thing for it. But so so we'll see. But yeah, so I feel
my heart is restful. I feel restful, peaceful, for the most
part, like even in this chaotic Texas job. I feel restful. I
have
It's probably there, there's been an ongoing Renata knows some of it this we're working with a lawyer practically.
Because of
in in in Texas.
You have something called entrapment. We don't have that here.
So I think if we had entrapment here we could have like pretty much sued this one woman for entrapping my dad.
Is it taking advantage of the elderly is what it is. Yeah, monitor. Yeah, wow. Yeah, it's like so or, or, well it's, yeah, it's or it's just when you actually entrapped someone and like scam them for money and like I don't yeah it's, it's different.
So, um, so anyways after his passing, the lawyers are going through and it's like, it's really really bad, like a lot of it so I think too much so and it's things I haven't been able to talk about and I hopefully tomorrow they're going to send over to her
or to her lawyer and then I can once it's all like then I can start speaking more freely about it anyways.
I feel super peaceful about that as well.
My mom is stressing out she doesn't know too much so all that to say, there's a lot of chaotic things going on that could like throw me off but I feel super peaceful, peaceful.
At the same time, I think I noticed because of like gaining weight that I'm like okay well clearly something is off. And so one of my little things was like, I'm super joyful everything is amazing.
And then the other one was kind of like feeling, oh my goodness I'm feeling kind of like, which I've been feeling for a really long time.
Almost like I'm on a parallel track, you know, it's kind of like, Oh, am I on the wrong train, you know what I mean like I don't know if that makes sense but part of me knows that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be even in this crazy job because God
and I feel like it's very temporary I think something's going to happen like really fast to change.
But I still probably have the fear but what if not, what if I'm actually stuck here, you know what I mean.
And then that's the same with the weight I'm like oh my goodness now I'm starting to gain weight like normally that's an indication for me that I'm not doing well like there's something that is off, you know, um, it's mainly I'll be gaining weight,
or I'll get like a throat disease or something you know like that then it's like an indication that something is off.
And I've had a throat disease for like December and January, and now I'm like gaining weight so I'm like, so even if I'm feeling kind of like peaceful and thinking oh everything is good I'm like there are some indications where I'm like, well I'm gaining weight,
and I'm also kind of.
Even if I, on some level and feeling peaceful that I am where I'm supposed to be, I knew he told me to give up like America.
When I left in March last year and I would crying about that and I, but then, but then when he told me I'm not asking you to give it up, I'm just asking you to surrender so I'm like, well, that just whatever that looks like I know he has a plan, and it's
for me not to try to figure it out by myself or do it by myself because whatever doors you open you have to hold them open yourself right and I don't want to do that.
So on those levels I'm doing, like, I'm trusting him I'm like oh well you told me this and, and I'm.
And I think I come back to like the same things that have been, and I guess I'm trying to figure out the route so it's the weight thing.
It's the what do I do with like my investments and and like the, the urge to kind of
bad to like make something of myself because that's not what I mean but like, I have this like I'd love to like make an impact like something positive in someone's life you know what I mean like, I guess I do that.
We all do that in our lives you know what I mean like wherever we are in our family in our work, but I think I touched on that another time like where I know you told me just well just release it and be and whatever will be will be so.
So it's, but but I feel like I come back to those things it's the weight, it's the, the investment slash doing something, making like starting something myself to have this free life.
And it's the being single, whereas, like, I'm also fine in all areas it's not like a desperation like where it used to be but there's still this like, I don't know.
I can't, I can't pinpoint it because sometimes I'm like, well, did I just give up? You know what I
mean? Like, is it just like, am I at peace or don't, or is it that I just don't care anymore?
You know what I mean? Like, did I, am I just like, well, I'm at peaceful because I just don't
care or like, but I'm, yeah, I'm strangely at peace, even though I'm like, even, even like
with the conference coming up and everything, I'm like, oh, I'd love to be there in person
before. I'd probably have super FOMO. There was a conference in Texas, Renata, but I'm like,
I'd probably have super FOMO. And now I'm just like, it's fine. Like, and I don't think it's
that I'm just like, oh, I've given up. It's just more that, no, it's not where I'm supposed to be
right now. And it's okay. Yeah. So it's this strange place. I don't know if it makes sense.
So I'm fine, but I don't think I'm fine. Yeah. But I can't pinpoint it, you know? Yeah.
Yeah. No. Yeah. Well, something that you were saying kind of struck me, you were talking about,
you know, your desire to do more where you're like, you know, and then you worded it of like,
well, you know, I'd like to like really have an impact in someone's life. And then you try to like,
well, you know, I know that we all do that every day and, you know, we're trying to like,
you know, acknowledge the fact that, well, you know, I know that it's that what we do every
day, it almost as if what you're currently doing should be enough. And so, and so you're like
trying to like talk yourself out of it and all of that. But I just wanted to acknowledge to you
that, um, that, uh, I believe that that, um, that, that, you know, feeling that you have
is very good and that there's a way that you can lean into it if you will now. And so what I have
noticed for me is that if I am living where I feel like I'm connected to, um, to myself, like
who it is that I actually am, who it is that God values and that that thing, in other words,
my being is being expressed, I'm having an outlet for it. Then that ends up, um, uh, then I end up
not feeling so much FOMO, even FOMO for things like, I'd really like to impact somebody's life
because what we have a tendency to do is we have a tendency to feel because we felt like we were
meant for more. So let's, let's connect with who it is that we really are and live that more.
Now it depends on our season as to what the more looks like. Does it look like starting
a business right now? Does it look like actually be going off on your own and doing that? Does it
look like you're volunteering at a shelter and you're impacting people in this way or whatever,
or does it just look a bit different? Does it just look like you're getting to do some cool
hobbies that you really, really like? And you happen to be doing them with other people that
really, really like to do those things. And in the natural course of y'all just living,
you end up impacting those people simply because you're being you, you're not even trying to
proselytize and evangelize or anything. It's just you being you. And then you end up impacting,
but you couldn't have even predicted that because you thought that you were selfishly having fun.
You know? So my point is that I think that it's important. And what I would recommend is that
you just really, and, and I know this sounds really weird to word it like this, but just
really connect with who it is that you are and do what it is that, you know, I've been trying to,
that I've just been really feeling is a, is a very big theme for everybody in this particular
rest intensive, every rest intensive has a general, general theme or a few or a few different
themes. But it'll just kind of be highlighted. And one of them is that for everyone, I've just
been feeling for them that they seem to like, everyone needed to be focusing really on,
on being enough for themselves, on enjoying themselves and really allowing
and choosing that they are valued in the way that God says that they're valued.
And then actually acting on it by acting on that truth by really, you know, doing things,
the things that they just really are enjoy. And then you'll feel that there are things in you of
who it is that you actually are, that are being expressed, that feel like they are changing things.
Even if you're thinking that, you know, I feel like I'm just doing a hobby,
but there are ways in which our hobbies aren't things that maybe the world would look,
look at as life changing, but God is saying, Hey, you are expressing your spirit into the earth.
And that is what changes creation. Your spirit needs to be expressing itself into the earth.
And it doesn't have to be always accomplishing something that the world looks at as a, as
a, Oh yeah, you're, you're like doing this for posterity and you're, or you're investing
or you're increasing fame or you're increasing money or you're increasing something.
It doesn't always have to be measured that way in order to be measured in the spirit
as something that you're doing that's literally transforming creation.
It's freeing it in some way, but in order for creation to be freed, you can't be doing
something that the world says is, is, um, needs to be done.
You actually have to be expressing your spirit because it's interaction with your spirit
that's connected with God's spirit.
That's actually going to free it and change something because it's just looking to know
whether or not it's safe.
So it knows how to change as opposed to how can I manipulate earth to do what it is that
I want.
That's not what we want.
We want to just be who it is that we are.
And then creation looks at us, gets new instruction and changes as a result as a response to it.
So anyway, I think that, and then also along with that, the more that you do that, the
more, the more, the less resistance that you have to actually hearing God clearly and kind
of seeing things clearly of like the timing of starting a new business and what you would
do, you know, um, because you're like, well, I don't know what it is that I would do.
You get more clarity when you stop trying to figure it out and you start being a bit
more, you start because you're, that you're people's favorite businesses are the things
that, that just feel like it's not even work.
We're like, I can't believe I get paid to do this.
You know, like me with the rest intensive.
I love it.
I'm like, I can't believe that this is the, this is my ministry.
This is my, this is my life's work, you know, because this just feels like it's me being
me.
Most other people, they, they do what I do and they're just sitting on the couch, just
chatting with someone over tea.
For me, that's my ministry, you know, and I, because, and it's natural and it just feels
like me being me and whatever, but I, but in order for that to happen, I had to just,
I had to really connect with, I had to stop like trying to figure it all out.
I just kind of had to, I just kind of had to stop a lot of the, a lot of the resistance
and just think, okay, who really, what makes me feel alive?
What makes me feel like me, you know, and then I just walk that out with the Lord.
So the point is, I think that some of the questions that you're wanting to answer will
come when you stop trying to figure them out when you start connecting with who it is that
you are.
You know, I mean like for instance, one thing that you do, you like to bake and you've been
doing that and you like to swim, so you've been doing that.
And so, I mean, I don't know, I didn't know if there's like some other, other thing that
you enjoy doing or another way that you like to live or life.
For me, I know this might sound really weird, but for me, one of the ways that I like to
live life is I like time to like enjoy moments.
So I like getting up and having a very, and getting ready and then having a very leisurely
breakfast and just sitting there and listening to the birds and I'm drinking my tea.
And I love that.
Hands down one of my favorite times of the day, period, you know, it's not watching TV.
It's not doing all that.
It is doing something that everybody else would be looking at, you know, someone thinking,
Hey, look, Ashley, you're lazy.
There's so much stuff that you could be packing into that hour.
I'm like, this makes me feel like me.
It makes me feel alive.
It makes me feel like I'm as weird as it sounds impacting creation in a unique way.
So anyway, so that's what I would recommend.
I think that a lot of your questions will get answered by honoring who it is that God
says that you are, instead of trying to think, Lord, what is it that I should do?
Yeah.
I think I need to come back to like the, I think that's what I'm trying to figure out.
Like who am I?
What do I really enjoy to do?
Like, what did I do when I was little?
I think I've been trying to like, go back and figure that out.
And it's like, I don't know, you know, and that's a lot of like the Pedro stuff too.
Like, Oh, well, what do you do and what are you naturally gifted at and what do you enjoy
doing and what do people say?
And like, I'm trying to, yeah, I need to like, find that because on one level, I feel like
yeah, like God told me, give up that, like lay that down and then just like, I don't
know, like a rest this time, you know, like, so I feel like I'm in a resting.
So obviously that's why it was very timely with the rest intensive, you know?
And I think as it's already like, it's almost March and I'm like, Oh my goodness, I haven't
done anything.
Like, you know, obviously.
a half, because I like started a new job, I'm doing this, I'm
like all of that, but it just feels like, I'd love to know.
Like you're saying, like, what, like, we're like, intentionally
working towards something, you know, I think that's what I've
been missing for all this time is that what I've noticed is
that if I spend my time, if I'm good, like, I love the mornings
like you do. And if I have time, and I do that, or set aside
time, so that's why it's one of my focus things is, I've noticed
the times that I really lose myself in worship, then
everything just flows the rest of the day, like everything just
like falls into place. But I haven't done that for really,
really long time. And I love it when I'm there. But it's always
a struggle to kind of like, get into it. I don't know why. Um,
if I put on worship music, like, I love it. I love worshiping,
like, I'll, I'll do that. But like, really, really getting
locked in it. And just so I think sometimes I just feel like
I'm floating along. And I mean, I there was a few years where I
did that when I just like, like I said, I like I mentioned, like
just got up, got up to this, like, crazy experiences and met
all these amazing people. Um, but um, yeah, I think like one
of them, so just like, just because you know who he is, like
or you've known of him, like, like Pedro, it's like, I was in
Mozambique, and he was prayed over. And it was like, oh,
you'll impact like the nations. And then the year after he
started, like, talking on Facebook, and then like, now
four years after it's been like this crazy, right for him.
Yeah, like hanging out with Tony Robbins and getting to
influence that, like, it's insane to see, like, when we're
sitting in a hut and like laughing, you know, and he was
still like, just doing his insurance thing or something
like he's a really funny guy, but to see like, what has
happened in his life in four years, and I was like, wow. And
like, not just that, but like all of the other people around
him that and I'm just like, man, I just want to be
intentional. Like he says he gets tricked into it. So it's
like, I just want to be intentional. I know something
has to do with building character. And I don't really
know. And part of me is peaceful, because I know, or I
believe that God has a plan. And something is about building
character, something is about timing, something is about like
all these different things. And then sometimes I think I get
caught up in like, oh, my goodness, I'm not doing
anything. I don't know what I'm good at. I don't know what I
enjoy doing. What if I'm just wasting time? What if this isn't
happening? Because I'm not do you know what I mean? Because
I'm just like floating along. And, and I don't know why I
think that because he's shown me so many times, that's not how
it is. And even in just like landing in this job, and like
one month, you know, one and a half month, like, that doesn't
happen here either. Usually, it's like, so I believe him,
but I then I second guess, again. So yeah, yeah. I don't
know if that's probably part of what journey.
I remember one time that I was, I'd been looking for a job for
eight, nine, eight months, and couldn't find a job. So I
finally just had to quit my job. Because I'd been looking for
eight months in order to leave and I couldn't and then I had to
get out of my apartment because I could no longer afford my
apartment. And then for how many months? Three months? Was it
three months? Yeah, for three months after I quit my job, I
still didn't have a I still still didn't have a job. And I
had been applying places I had been putting out my resume
everywhere I had been. And I even had people that were very
wealthy, very high up trying to trying to like use their use
their connections. And God wasn't allowing that to work. I
mean, nothing even my mom was like, Okay, actually, this
doesn't happen. I was like, I know. She's like, you're doing
all of the things and nothing's working. Like most people don't
even have the benefits that you do meaning like the connections
that I did not that are working for you. And, and it's not
working for you. I was like, I know. And anyway, so I but I was
emotionally like what you're talking about, you know, earlier
or not, emotionally, I was carrying this responsibility of
in order to be responsible for the Lord, I have to have a job
and I have to and I have to get one and I don't know, you know,
why I'm not I'm working so hard to try to find one or whatever.
Well,
Uh, the Lord finally told me again, what was this, 11 months into looking for a job.
He told me, um, he said, Ashley, I have given you this time to rest and you're wasting it.
You have not been resting because I haven't allowed you to have a job.
You needed time to heal from the place that you had left and all of that.
And I gave you this time.
And he said, you have just, he didn't use the word waste, but you know, he said, you've
used it to stress and to be worried and to fight and to struggle.
Um, and he said, and I gave this to you as a gift.
And I was like, Oh my word, Lord, I am so sorry.
This is so neat that you would let me rest, that you would give this to me as a gift where
I just didn't have this responsibility looming over me that I thought that you put there
of like, you got to go have a job and whatever.
And so I thought, okay, I'm finally going to let go.
I'm going to start resting.
And this is long before I knew about rest.
This was years before I heard about rest and, um, and that, and I think it was three days
later I got a call, um, for a job.
I was like, okay, I was like, Laura, this is a bummer.
Right when I figured out that you wouldn't let me rest, you know, I finally get the job,
but it was like, there you go.
So my point is that I now look back on that time and I see, I look on that as a very precious
time.
It was a time that because I wasn't, because I was resting, even though I, there was emotionally,
I wasn't, um, I would, I filled up my time with other things that were just fun to me.
We're not talking about work.
We're just talking about fun.
But I mean, I would, I, I, I exercised and I would go to the grocery store and I would
watch cooking shows.
And this is the very first time I'd ever watched cooking shows and I would start cooking things
to try new stuff and whatever.
And I look back on that time and I remember it as a, as a time in which I feel enriched
that I was being sewn into by how I was living, how I was expressing myself, how I was allowing
myself to enjoy things.
I was being sewn into instead of pouring out so much.
And, um, and it was something that has, that has, I have benefited from ever since was
that time, the time where I didn't have a job and I was doing nothing.
I worked on, I did crafts, I did, um, I tried, I started trying new, new crafts that I had
never tried before.
And like I said, I was trying new, um, uh, new, uh, recipes and I was watching some fun
television shows with people and, but all the time I was just feeling guilty that I
should be doing something else.
So anyway, my point is hindsight 2020, looking back, you know, I now realize, wow, actually
I feel when I think back on that time, even though I wasn't paying attention to what it
is that God was wanting that time for, I see now, and I feel in me now how enriched
that I made myself my, my life during that time.
So my point is that I know that there's some stuff like, oh, well, I want to do something
and I want to know what's the next thing I should be working towards.
Maybe this is a time where you were supposed to be sewn into by the world and by the
world, meaning like creation and, and what's available and just whatever, that it serves
you and that God is pouring into you and as opposed to something that you have to do.
And like in a manner of speaking, there's a way in which you get to be along for the
ride right now.
You get to be carried along as opposed to driving something forward and that it's just,
it's just a gift and you just see it just for what it is because sure, it doesn't include
everything.
It doesn't include the fact that you actually are doing a particular thing that you're driving
towards and whatever.
That's great.
And that's for a different season.
And so right now that this season, so it didn't mean that one's not going to come, but you
know, so it's, it's, so you can ask the Lord if there's something that you could be taking
advantage of that you could be now that he intends to be included in this time of rest.
That's more than just, oh, I'm doing nothing.
And I keep, in other words, I'm waiting and Lord, I'm tired of waiting.
I would like it to be now.
I would like it to be, you know, me for once.
Yes.
Everybody else.
It's everybody else.
And it's, and then, and, and it's not me.
But for me, it's always later, you know?
I'd like it to be me now, you know? And so my point is that maybe it's just he's like,
but for all of them, there are certain things that I'm pushing them in. And for you,
I'm giving to you. So it could just be a change in perspective. So anyway, you could ask him,
because I don't know, I don't know what he's told you, I don't know what is included in your
time of rest, but that's an idea. So you can ask him. Because stuff will come out of the questions
that you want, the answers to the questions that you have, I believe will come, it's just me
talking. I don't know if this is necessarily prophetic or not. But I believe that it'll be,
it'll come out of this time where you let go of requiring it of God and of yourself.
And then it will naturally come out of this because you let it go. And then all of a sudden
it could appear and all of a sudden it could show you something that you didn't even know to look for.
Yeah, maybe. Anyway, because if you look, that's really good. I'll have to, I'll have to figure out
how. I think that's, that's really key to let it go and to not require it from me or from God.
I just, I don't know how to do that, but I will figure it out. I mean, I'll go back to the rest
tools. Yeah. Yeah. If you look for it, you may not be able to find it. Yeah. Is my point. And
so if you stop looking for it, it can, it can show up, it can appear, it can be revealed really.
And so, yeah, so not holding, you know, I was talking about like accusations against God.
Um, one of the things that the, um, some of the other leaders are finding very helpful
is writing it down, writing down their, um, writing down their conversations with the Lord
questions that they're, that they're asking him instead of just sitting there praying them,
they'll write it out. And then their conversations, the Lord will be in writing.
They'll say, okay, Lord, you know, this is what I'm asking you right now. And they ask it
in the writing. And then they, they don't, it's not recording what they're asking him.
They're asking in the writing and then they get his answer and then whatever. And then they go
back and forth. And one of the things that they say that they've discovered is because I told
them, I said, you know, there's probably, you know, accusations against God that y'all have
been, um, that y'all have. And they, they were all like, I don't think I have any accusations
against God until they started writing down their conversations with God. And then it all came out.
They're like, Oh, my word. But that's what all those things are of like what we're holding
against God or what we're holding God accountable to, to reveal or to answer or to whatever.
And so if we write those things out, we'll discover those things. And then we can let
those things go where we no longer emotionally hold God accountable to, to give us something,
to answer a question, to whatever. And, um, because God doesn't want any us to hold anything
to him against him. We can like present things to him, but that's very different
than holding it to him against him. Like, Lord, you know, this is actually a wedge in our
relationship. This thing is actually filtering my view of you, whether or not I think you're as
good as you say that you're, I believe that you're good. I believe that you're loved,
but this is filtering how much I'm able to agree with it, you know? So anyway, that's, that's my
deal. All right. And isn't it really like, I think, yeah, I don't know what you think about
that, Ashley. That's just really interesting to hear you talk that the things that I feel
when I've been going through this, this is like my second rest intensive that I feel like a lot
of the things that are happening now is because of these things that you guys are talking about,
you know, all these singing opportunities and me starting to co-create with God. I feel it's
direct cause of starting. I started to listen to your teaching in July. So, um, I like, I still
have like lots of ways to go and need to be, but I feel like things are just happening and I'm just
starting to create with God and just the thought that I can communicate something to someone and
just put it out there or singing opportunities come and I feel like it's just dropping down.
And I'm starting to, I don't think it's a coincidence.
No, I don't think so either. And I knew that when you're like, oh, Annette, I think you should be
in this intensive. And I was like, it's like when you told me like, Hey, I feel like, uh, you know,
when Christina was talking to you about the.
any stuff or whatever, and you're challenging me,
I'm like, oh, you shouldn't, like,
I can't remember what it was, but anyways.
She looks confused, she's like, what?
Christina and her sister?
Yeah, Christina, her sister had challenged Renata
on something, and then when she did that,
Renata thought of me.
Oh, yeah, just to spend money,
and just like be free with money.
Yeah. And I was like,
thinking about you, like,
why are you holding so tight to money?
Like, just be free with it, just use it, just.
And then, yeah, and I think you were mainly talking about
in the sense of maybe not having a traditional job.
You're like, you can do whatever you want.
Like, you can just, because you're like,
you could just move to the States if that's what you want.
Like, you have the money for it, just go.
And then there's something in me where I'm like,
no, but I don't want to open that door by myself.
You know what I mean?
Like, so there are some wisdom in that as well,
but I knew also, but I knew it was God when you spoke.
I was like, okay, well, he's telling me something,
and I know I'm probably going to be challenged
on that at some point.
But then when you came with the rest intensive,
I was like, oh, I knew this is going to be very key
to me like moving forward,
but I think I get frustrated because I'm like,
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do
to be able to like find all these accusations
and let it go.
Because you know me, I know it's about the process,
but I hate the process.
I just want the destination straight away.
Let's just get there.
Let's just do what we need to do.
Don't be the formula.
I'll plug and play.
That's me.
So yeah, so, but it's all good.
It's great.
Great advice and great conversations.
And yeah, I will get it at some point.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, like I said, the thing is that
you can't figure it out so much.
You have to start actually just stepping out
and embodying it, start living it.
And that's with other people who have tried
and tried and tried to figure it out.
The longer you try to figure it out,
the longer that it'll,
you just kind of like prolong the agony.
Because it's like, you can't figure out.
It finally worked when they stopped trying to figure it out.
They just started, they started just living it.
They started embodying it.
They started like risking themselves on just like,
okay, well then let's just start living like it.
And they said, that's when everything changed
because otherwise they couldn't understand it enough
for it to actually,
I don't know, for,
I keep thinking of the Turkish expression,
jeton düştü, meaning like to let the coin
to actually drop, and like get it.
So anyway, they just finally had to stop
trying to figure it out and just started doing it.
And they said, boom, they got it all of a sudden.
Because the things by the spirit
are only understood by the spirit.
Yeah, but what is it when they let it go
and figured it out?
What is it?
Well, just like of what it actually means
to abandon yourself to God, to shift into wrath,
to not be an accusation against him.
Like, well, what do I do about this?
And well, what do I do about this?
And well, what about this?
And well, what do I,
just all of the figuring out
when they stopped trying to figure it out
and they started to just let it come in
and then just started like stepping out and living it,
which is very scary,
especially when you don't know what you're doing.
You're like, well, what is this thing?
It's an unknown.
And you're like, well, how do I do this thing
that I don't understand?
They actually had to start putting themselves
into this existence or this environment
of something they didn't understand
when that environment is just God.
It's just faith.
And then just start living like it.
And all of a sudden it made sense.
It made sense in their spirit,
but they couldn't figure it out enough
to create like a process
for them to be able to step through.
I try to explain it as best as I can in process form
to kind of help people.
But when it comes right down to it,
you have a person actually has to stop
thinking of it as a process
and cannot approach it as a process
if that's actually gonna work.
If the process will help kind of get them
a little further down the road.
And at one point,
and at some point they finally have to abandon it
as a process and have to just start embodying it
and kind of like, I don't know, just living like it.
And then it finally works.
But the process that I kind of like walk people through
and the tools.
and all of that, that'll only carry people so far. It really won't carry them the whole way.
It carries them until they finally, until they finally get faith enough to let it go,
to let go of the process, to get, let go of the steps, to let go of the figuring it out and
understanding it. And they just have to, it sounds really weird, but it's, think of that in the
spirit. You just have to finally start feeling into it. Like, okay, I'm like living in this
existence and I'm just going by, by spiritual feeling, not even emotional feeling, not mental,
you know, anything. I'm just, you know, it's like, really, what is it I'm doing? I don't know.
But all of a sudden you'll find out in the risk of your, of throwing yourself on God,
all of a sudden everything works because it's the kingdom of the, of God. And therefore it's
his, the king, the principles of the kingdom of God that you become dependent on, you know,
to catch you. Oh, so good. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Okay. Well, I will let y'all go.
Good to enjoy Texas. I'm so jealous. Yeah. I'd love to go to Texas again. I love Texas.
Never been. Oh, good. Well, I'm in, I'm in Dallas right now, so I'm enjoying that on the outskirts.
Oh, is it warm? Uh, I'm trying to think. No, it's not. No, today it is actually very chilly.
Um, I mean, like I'm in this, you know, but yeah. So I'm looking forward to it warming up and it'll,
it'll be warm after a while. It'll be very hot. So anyway. Oh, all right. Well, y'all have a good
night. You too. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye.