Hey, everybody. So when I was thinking about what I was going to say, I'm like, well, I
feel pretty overwhelmed. I don't feel like I have much positive to say. I don't really
feel like I have any massive revelations, but I have. But yeah, I feel like I don't
have clarity on some things. And so I don't have like full revelations. And I've often
talked about my journey with God as I'm wrestling with God, and I'm realizing I'm no longer
wrestling with God, but I'm wrestling with the lies. And I'm trying to untangle them
to see where the lies are and where the truth is. And my most current, maybe there are revelations
and something that I feel like the Lord has been revealing to me over the past few weeks
is that my heart is actually good. And it's hard for me to like, wait, really, like, my
heart's good. But the Bible says in the Old Testament, the heart is I don't remember the
scripture, if you guys know what I'm talking about, is deceitful, I think it is. There's
a lot of scriptures about the heart being deceitful and bad. But then I'm like, well,
what happens when you give your life to Jesus and when you choose him? And the New Testament
talks a lot about the pure in heart. So we can have pure hearts. And so I'm like wrestling
and I think a lot of my wrestling comes with the fact that I've been to church that I feel
like has been very legalistic. And actually, I was saved in this church. And I feel like
it's become damaging. And I'm realizing I'm like constantly wrestling with what they teach
and what I'm noticing in my spirit and how they're out of alignment. And so there's like
this struggle. And I know Ashley in her testimony talked about, she wouldn't do what she wanted
to do. She would do what she didn't want to do. And I related to that so much because
I feel like what I want to do, because it's what I want to do, it must be sinful and not
right. So I do what I don't want to do. And then life is just miserable. And the Lord
and my husband even has been like revealing to me like, your heart is not evil, like the
things that you want to do are actually life giving to you. And they bring joy to you.
And when you're in a place of joy, you're in a place of peace, and your love towards
yourself and others are just like, is multiplied. And, and as I'm, I feel like I'm kind of skipping
all over the place. But as I'm going through this six month journey with rectal cancer,
and going the alternative route, it's this hard, like I've chosen the alternative route,
I've been very health conscious, health knowledgeable, for the majority of my adult life. And so
I knew that I would always take this route, if I had cancer. But it's been more challenging
than I thought, because I've been trying really hard. And to like cure myself. And,
and God just wants me to like, not give up, but give it over to him. And so if I'm giving
it over to him, then what do I do? And this goes back to the Well, what do you want to
do? And I'm in this constant battle with, well, right now, it feels really good. Just
go sit on the floor and play a game with my two year old. And so that's what I'm going
to do. But I might give up going and working out to sit with my two year old. And so like
there's this battle.
that goes on in my mind, well, what should I do?
Is that gonna help get rid of the cancer?
Should I be moving my body to help
the body do what it's supposed to do?
Or is it okay just sitting and resting
and having fun with my two-year-old?
And so there's this battle of what I should do.
And so I think just making this video
has made me realize that the practice
that I can get into this week
is doing what I want to do
and radically choosing what I want to do
because I know, this makes me cry,
like radically choosing that, like,
and it makes me think, how could God be that good
that he would want me to choose,
that he loves me so much and he trusts my choices?
Like, how can he be that good?
Like, I'm trying to contemplate how he can be that good.
Like, that he trusts my choices
and that he loves me through all of them.
Like, I just had that revelation just now.
Like, is he that good?
Yeah, he is.
He is, he's that good.
Um, so this week I'm choosing to practice,
radically choosing what I want to do
and trusting that God's gonna let me through it
no matter what I choose and that he trusts my choices.
So that is that.
So even though I came on here
not knowing what I was gonna talk about,
I think the spirit led me to where he wanted me to go.
So I look forward to seeing you all
on the fireside chat tonight.
All right, bye-bye.