WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.440 Hey, everybody. So when I was thinking about what I was going to say, I'm like, well, I 2 00:00:09.440 --> 00:00:15.200 feel pretty overwhelmed. I don't feel like I have much positive to say. I don't really 3 00:00:15.200 --> 00:00:21.200 feel like I have any massive revelations, but I have. But yeah, I feel like I don't 4 00:00:21.200 --> 00:00:28.960 have clarity on some things. And so I don't have like full revelations. And I've often 5 00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:32.640 talked about my journey with God as I'm wrestling with God, and I'm realizing I'm no longer 6 00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:39.400 wrestling with God, but I'm wrestling with the lies. And I'm trying to untangle them 7 00:00:39.400 --> 00:00:58.240 to see where the lies are and where the truth is. And my most current, maybe there are revelations 8 00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:03.520 and something that I feel like the Lord has been revealing to me over the past few weeks 9 00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:16.760 is that my heart is actually good. And it's hard for me to like, wait, really, like, my 10 00:01:16.760 --> 00:01:22.360 heart's good. But the Bible says in the Old Testament, the heart is I don't remember the 11 00:01:22.360 --> 00:01:30.520 scripture, if you guys know what I'm talking about, is deceitful, I think it is. There's 12 00:01:30.520 --> 00:01:35.680 a lot of scriptures about the heart being deceitful and bad. But then I'm like, well, 13 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:41.880 what happens when you give your life to Jesus and when you choose him? And the New Testament 14 00:01:41.880 --> 00:01:50.240 talks a lot about the pure in heart. So we can have pure hearts. And so I'm like wrestling 15 00:01:50.280 --> 00:01:54.600 and I think a lot of my wrestling comes with the fact that I've been to church that I feel 16 00:01:54.600 --> 00:02:00.720 like has been very legalistic. And actually, I was saved in this church. And I feel like 17 00:02:00.720 --> 00:02:08.720 it's become damaging. And I'm realizing I'm like constantly wrestling with what they teach 18 00:02:08.720 --> 00:02:18.080 and what I'm noticing in my spirit and how they're out of alignment. And so there's like 19 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:30.560 this struggle. And I know Ashley in her testimony talked about, she wouldn't do what she wanted 20 00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:37.080 to do. She would do what she didn't want to do. And I related to that so much because 21 00:02:37.080 --> 00:02:41.520 I feel like what I want to do, because it's what I want to do, it must be sinful and not 22 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:52.880 right. So I do what I don't want to do. And then life is just miserable. And the Lord 23 00:02:52.880 --> 00:02:58.960 and my husband even has been like revealing to me like, your heart is not evil, like the 24 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:06.280 things that you want to do are actually life giving to you. And they bring joy to you. 25 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:13.240 And when you're in a place of joy, you're in a place of peace, and your love towards 26 00:03:13.240 --> 00:03:26.520 yourself and others are just like, is multiplied. And, and as I'm, I feel like I'm kind of skipping 27 00:03:26.520 --> 00:03:34.080 all over the place. But as I'm going through this six month journey with rectal cancer, 28 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:46.080 and going the alternative route, it's this hard, like I've chosen the alternative route, 29 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:53.240 I've been very health conscious, health knowledgeable, for the majority of my adult life. And so 30 00:03:53.240 --> 00:04:01.640 I knew that I would always take this route, if I had cancer. But it's been more challenging 31 00:04:01.640 --> 00:04:15.040 than I thought, because I've been trying really hard. And to like cure myself. And, 32 00:04:15.040 --> 00:04:26.360 and God just wants me to like, not give up, but give it over to him. And so if I'm giving 33 00:04:26.360 --> 00:04:36.960 it over to him, then what do I do? And this goes back to the Well, what do you want to 34 00:04:36.960 --> 00:04:45.880 do? And I'm in this constant battle with, well, right now, it feels really good. Just 35 00:04:45.880 --> 00:04:51.920 go sit on the floor and play a game with my two year old. And so that's what I'm going 36 00:04:51.920 --> 00:04:59.320 to do. But I might give up going and working out to sit with my two year old. And so like 37 00:04:59.320 --> 00:05:00.000 there's this battle. 38 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:01.880 that goes on in my mind, well, what should I do? 39 00:05:01.880 --> 00:05:04.280 Is that gonna help get rid of the cancer? 40 00:05:04.280 --> 00:05:07.000 Should I be moving my body to help 41 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:11.120 the body do what it's supposed to do? 42 00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:13.040 Or is it okay just sitting and resting 43 00:05:13.040 --> 00:05:14.880 and having fun with my two-year-old? 44 00:05:15.960 --> 00:05:19.220 And so there's this battle of what I should do. 45 00:05:20.760 --> 00:05:25.680 And so I think just making this video 46 00:05:25.680 --> 00:05:28.160 has made me realize that the practice 47 00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:31.120 that I can get into this week 48 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:34.920 is doing what I want to do 49 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:38.720 and radically choosing what I want to do 50 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.240 because I know, this makes me cry, 51 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:43.040 like radically choosing that, like, 52 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:48.800 and it makes me think, how could God be that good 53 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:50.840 that he would want me to choose, 54 00:05:50.840 --> 00:05:54.200 that he loves me so much and he trusts my choices? 55 00:05:55.280 --> 00:05:57.200 Like, how can he be that good? 56 00:05:57.200 --> 00:06:01.400 Like, I'm trying to contemplate how he can be that good. 57 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:05.560 Like, that he trusts my choices 58 00:06:05.560 --> 00:06:07.840 and that he loves me through all of them. 59 00:06:07.840 --> 00:06:09.640 Like, I just had that revelation just now. 60 00:06:09.640 --> 00:06:11.680 Like, is he that good? 61 00:06:16.080 --> 00:06:17.240 Yeah, he is. 62 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:20.760 He is, he's that good. 63 00:06:21.280 --> 00:06:26.280 Um, so this week I'm choosing to practice, 64 00:06:28.920 --> 00:06:33.760 radically choosing what I want to do 65 00:06:35.080 --> 00:06:38.040 and trusting that God's gonna let me through it 66 00:06:39.240 --> 00:06:42.520 no matter what I choose and that he trusts my choices. 67 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:50.400 So that is that. 68 00:06:50.440 --> 00:06:51.480 So even though I came on here 69 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:53.480 not knowing what I was gonna talk about, 70 00:06:54.960 --> 00:06:58.560 I think the spirit led me to where he wanted me to go. 71 00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:01.480 So I look forward to seeing you all 72 00:07:01.480 --> 00:07:03.640 on the fireside chat tonight. 73 00:07:03.640 --> 00:07:04.600 All right, bye-bye.