Hi. I was like speaking. I was speaking and I could, I was like, oh no, I'm muted and
I don't.
Like Ashlyn's not responding.
Hi, how are you? I wasn't sure if it was this link or the others. I was like, but then I
saw the email. So I was like, yeah, good. I have the right link.
Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's the benefit of that, of that link is it gives everyone a private
like a zoom link just for that, just for that call. So how are you? I know we saw each other
yesterday. It's weird seeing each other so often.
I'm good. I, it started snowing today. So yeah, that was fun. But happy, happy Women's
Day international.
I didn't know.
Yeah. There was a massive parade here today and it's, you know, we had started the day
with, yeah. So we had a breakfast at our workplace with like CEO speaker from another company
that came and panel discussions and networking and yeah. So it's a, it's massive campaigns
every, every March 8th.
March 8th. Okay. I had no idea. It sounds that now the place that I used to work at,
you know, FedEx, the company FedEx. So I used to work at FedEx office and they would, they
would always mark holidays like this, you know, like Women's Day or, you know, Indigenous
People's Day that politically, you know, you know, it's, it's real popular to, to,
you know, acknowledge those they, that society feels it's gotten bad shacked. Anyway. So
yeah. So that's the, that's how I knew about days is like, well, what day is today? You
know, it's like, I have no idea. So, oh, and then there was something yesterday. What was
it? Oh, oh, I know. Someone said that, yes, that yesterday or the day before, oh, I think
it was the day before yesterday was National Oreo Cookie Day. And we thought, how did we
miss that?
So much more important than equality and same, same paper, same work. No, I'm kidding.
No, exactly. Exactly. That's so funny.
I do love those though. The International Pancake Day and Waffle Day. It's the day for
everything.
Yes, exactly. There's, there's something, something for everything. In fact, I think
I even Googled it once who decides that, like who decides, oh, how do you make a recognized
holiday? Not like a government recognized, but like a, how do you make a holiday? And
there was a company that makes the holidays that makes these national or international
da-da-da-da-days. And I was like, well, who decided that?
Yeah. Since I'm like some, I feel like, you know, World Mental Health Day and Women's
Day and some are more important than others, even though there are some fun ones.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's definitely some fun ones. But anyway, so how are you doing?
Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. That's been part of the thing with my work is that I have to like
look into all the different things to be able to make like something on social media for
it. So that's why I'm like looking at all these different, I mean, some days like this
is a massive deal here, but like the Women's Day, but then I saw all of like all the other
Hamburger Day and I don't know, like a weird slide. Yeah. No, I mean, I feel like it's
like, I'm not going to say a broken record, but I feel like I keep repeating myself because
it's like the same three things. So I think like generally I'm doing good. I'm just kind
of trying to figure out. I had dinner with somebody today and then as we were walking,
I'm like, oh yeah, I think I'm going to apply for this position again with City Hall, the
one I talked about yesterday. And she's like, oh yeah, you should definitely apply, you
know, because she works there herself. She's like, I think you'll find it to be a lot more
fun and you know, it's busy and it's, you know, and I'm like, yeah, I just don't really
know if God wants me, you know, where I'm at. And then she's like, well, do you think
it really matters that much to God where you are? And I'm like, wait, like, I'm like, well,
maybe not. She's like, don't you think God just wants you?
to have fun. And I'm like, probably. I mean, well, I don't
know. So I think sometimes yes, and then sometimes you're placed
somewhere for like, we've been talking about for whatever
reason to be equipped or for a certain assignment or for a
specific person or you know what I mean? So yeah. Yeah. So I
don't know if that so I feel like my kind of I feel like
there's a root thing, one massive one that's always been
there, obviously, is the weight. And then it's the being
discontent with work. And then, I mean, I feel with being
single, like I enjoy my life, I have fun. And like, I was in a
really bad relationship where that like, I called up a
wedding six weeks before I was supposed to be married. And
like, um, and I'm like, I would rather be alone, happy alone
than unhappy. Yeah, in the relationship, you know, so I
feel like I've landed in that in enjoying my life, obviously,
like you were single for a long time, you know, sometimes
holidays comes up, and it's like, Oh, this is obviously
this desire to be two is there. So I think with that, too, I'm
like, where do you just because when do you I think the
difference of like, letting something go and stop fighting
for it, but still hoping for it. You know what I mean? So I feel
like with the singleness, I feel like that's a different thing.
But with the weight and with the work, that might be the same
route. I don't know, like the same. I feel like there's like
something rooted in me, or there's something where it's
just, obviously, is recurring, you know, like, I was being
really good. So I was like, losing weight, like it was
really, I felt like I did it with God, you know, and it was
quite effortlessly. But then, now that my dad passed away, and
then all of a sudden, I started, you know, spiraling out, and
they're like, ah, there's something here that makes me go
back to it for comfort, and love and protection. And so I
don't know what that is, and why it's so because even when I was,
quote, like good before I felt like I hit a plateau. And I
remember when I hit that plateau, because coming up until
that point, I started losing weight, and all of a sudden, all
these emotions came up in me. And I started freaking out. And
I was talking to my friend, Caitlin, who lives in Austin,
and she's like, Oh, well, and that makes sense. Because it's
like, your emotions doesn't have anywhere to hide anymore, because
you physically built up a wall with like extra weight. And now
that you're dropping it, it's like, you either have to deal
with the emotions, or you have to, like, eat and like, protect
yourself again, so they have somewhere to hide again. And
then I felt like I was dealing with them. And and I had still
like, I think, like, I don't do pounds, but 10 kilos, I think
that's 20 pounds, like, for my ideal wanted to be. And I just
couldn't get and then I was like, Oh, I can't seem to like
move forward, you know, and it was just annoying me. And I felt
like I think this has something to do with my dad, like there
were some unresolved issues, there's something that I don't
want to touch or that I don't, I'm not ready to like, feel or I
don't know what it was, but I just couldn't seem to move past
that. Anyway, so when he passed away, I naturally thought, Wow,
now I'm going to drop these, you know, 20 pounds easy as
that, because now you know, and then the opposite happens. I
like gain like, you know, not 20 pounds, but at least like 10,
you know, and I'm like, Oh, what is this? So that's frustrating,
obviously, because then you don't feel well and you know, so
that that is. Yeah. So I feel like of things taking up. Yeah.
It's, it's, yeah. I think those are my main reoccurring things.
And then I've loved like being part of this community, because
I don't have a local church here anymore that I really, yeah, no,
I have, I have been going to one, but I don't, I don't know, I
can't, since being in the States, and like I was with
Expression 51, 58, I was with a lot with Heidi Baker and Ira.
is all of this. And it's like, I can't find it sounds weird. I
feel like there I went to church and I got both spiritually fed,
but also I found like people that I wanted to hang out with
that we kind of have. And here I feel like why am I going I'm
going here to like, listen to a message that isn't really
inspiring. And I don't hang out with any of these people. And we
don't have the same calling, you know, besides the big calling.
Yeah, so I kind of Yeah, I've kind of just been doing church
online with people. Yeah. So I'm missing that too. But it's
Yeah. So I feel like all of that. It's like, I'm like, part
of me feels like I'm just in the wrong space. You know, like
where I'm like, I'm just kind of waiting to be somewhere else.
And that's why I can't really. But then at the same time, I'm
like, Oh, I kind of like it here as well. I would just enjoy more
freedom to travel. So yeah, I mean, that was that was a lot.
But that was, I just I think my thing is, I don't really know
which one to start with. I'm like, I'm gonna have to have more
transformational sessions with actually. I'm like, I need to
start somewhere. So I thought I'm like, Oh, I think I'm gonna
start with the weight thing. But now I just wanted to tell you
kind of everything. And then I don't know, then we'll see where
the Holy Spirit leads and what happens. But yeah, yeah, right.
I'm so I don't, I don't know. If you feel where we should go from
there.
Well, to start with where, you know, the stuff that I've talked
about, like with the with losing weight in rest and like some
things to help to start on that journey. In other words, to be
making to change in ourselves so that it we we approach it from a
completely new foundation, like in other words, so that things
will finally stick so that when we lose weight, it finally stays
off. Because we've dealt with the because we no longer because
we're removing our reason for gaining weight. So therefore, we
start losing it. And then when we get to where we want, we just
stay there because there it we no longer need or look to the
feed the eating or the extra weight to provide us for
something that we already have. Yeah, we're no longer in lack in
that area and looking to it to fill us. So that's the whole
perspective and approach to which and purpose for which I
talked about the losing weight from place of rest is in like,
okay, not not focusing so much on the dieting on the exercise,
but first and foremost, focusing on like, being okay between you
and God, and then being that for yourself, like what God says he
is to you, you be that to your soul and your body. So and then
love and accept it fully where it is without requiring it to
ever change. So So have you been able to step into any of that
that's been helpful?
I'm like, yes, I know. And that's so that's where I feel
like it makes so much sense when you talk about it. But then I'm
like, still can't grasp it. So I feel like that's also one of the
things where I'm like, have so many things where I'm like, oh,
in theory, this makes so much sense. And I'm like, I just kind
of need to understand it. So I can experience it kind of like
when you when I first heard you talk about body, soul and
spirit. I'm like, it wasn't that I hadn't heard it before. But
all of a sudden, it just clicked. I'm like, Oh, I get it.
Like now I get it. I guess he's talking about, you know, and I'm
like, this makes so much sense. And so I've been trying and I
don't. Yeah, so I've been trying. So I've been like, what
I've been trying to do are some different things. Because one of
the things we talked about is so now I actually ordered a book
where it's like, it's called 15 minutes fit, which is she just
made a book where it's like 15 minute exercises. And then it's
like, breakfast, lunch and dinner that just takes 15
minutes to make. Because I just need something that's simple,
just in the sense about something. Sometimes you still
need the discipline, but you want to do it from a place of
rest. Yeah, correct. So that is something that came to me where
I'm like, Okay, well, I'm gonna do that. Because I think if I
keep my blood sugars, you know,
even then I won't have the sugar cravings. So that's on a practical note on, on the whole
trying to. So then I've been trying to speak to my body where I have been speaking to my body,
where I'm just like looking at myself in the mirror and be like, like, Oh, I love you body.
Like, I thank you. Like, thank you for, you know, carrying me and protecting me and traveling with
me and just like for everything you've done. And I'm like, and then I've just been like,
but you know, like you don't have to protect me anymore. Cause God protects me. Like you don't
need to be loved because God loves you. And like, you don't need, but I don't know if that's the
right way. Cause I haven't really. Yeah. So I'm it's a weird place. Cause it's like, I do feel
okay, but then I also don't feel okay. So that's what I've been doing. And I'm like,
so I want to say, I don't stress about it, but I do, you know, cause I still go on the scale and
I'm like, Oh, shoots. Like I still haven't lost weight, you know? Or I'm like, Oh, so I still
am in resistance. I'm still doing these like things that I'm, you know, or I'll look back
at pictures and I'm like, ah, shoot. It's like, I want to go back to that, you know? Like, yeah.
Yeah. So part of it is, um, is a struggle with that disassociating from ourselves or
disassociating from a part of ourselves. It's like the part of ourselves that's eating or the
part of ourselves that has this much weight or, or separating who it is that you are in spirit
from the fact that you also have a body and us wanting to disassociate and like, okay,
this is the good part of me. This is the bad part of me. This is the part that's obeying this part
that isn't, this is the part, this is, this is the, this is the parent. This is the problem child,
you know? And there's, there's a subconscious disassociation that we have with it. Um, and
just connection and what's important. And this is what I was talking about where we want to like,
and the way I phrase it is like you fully accept yourself and fully accept your, your connection
with your, of each of your parts to be your entire self instead of like separating or
segregating a part of it until it can, until it can prove worthy of being part of the rest of the
family, you know, whatever. And so it's, uh, that's what I always try to kind of, um, articulate when
I say, you know, accepting ourselves is to not disassociate or to disconnect or to stick in time
out, or to consider even in our own minds or emotions, that aspect of ourselves to be a problem.
It stopped thinking of ourselves or an aspect of ourselves as a problem. Like, Oh, well, I I'm
eating more than I want to, my body is eating more than I want to, or I am wanting food, whether or
not I let myself have it, I'm wanting it. And then to, for it's a, so it's a problem. It's
creating a problem for us is what I mean. If we're thinking of that aspect of ourselves as a problem.
So we're, we have to fully accept ourselves, every aspect of ourselves, even the part of us that
wants to eat, even the part of us that's hurt, even the part of us that's scared, the part of
us that we call our body, you know, whatever, and stop thinking of any of it as a problem,
stop considering it. It's not just thinking of it as if we're trying to consider is if we're
trying to like convince ourselves otherwise, because again, that whole thing of like trying
to convince ourselves just ultimately just doesn't work. What we're having to do is we're just having
to choose that, that all of those things are not a problem because that we really are. Okay.
Yeah. Because I don't know how prep. So for instance today, so I, I went to work and had
that break. So I didn't eat how I wanted to like this morning or whatever, but it was still,
it was still okay. Went to dinner with people have like a salad and then I sit and talk. So
these are former colleagues. And then I meet some other friends after. So I'm talking about things
in my life where, you know, things that are chaotic, like the new job or I, I think I read
somewhere where it said, Oh, you're not lacy. You're in freeze mode. They're like, if you feel
yourself just like going on the couch, scrolling through Instagram, it's like, you're actually,
you're actually not lacy. It's your body is in a freeze mode and you need to like
show it that it's safe. And I'm like, Oh my goodness. I bet you that is what's going on.
Cause I've had this like trauma with my dad passing away and I'm kind of waiting on a possible trial.
that is coming up. And then it's like this chaos at work. And
then I can feel like, you know, like you feel if anything is
out of the ordinary, I kind of just like freeze up, you know,
and I'm like, Ah, so I'm like, I bet you that's what's happening.
So I don't know. So then I go and I'm social and all of this
on my way home. It's snowing. I don't like that. I want it to be
spring. And then I'm like, all I want is candy. So I know I'm
not supposed to, you know, but then I go buy it. And this is
what I always do. So I go buy the candy or I do this. And I'm
like, now I just want to sit on the couch and eat candy and
watch a movie. You know what I mean? And it's, it's the self
soothing thing. And I'm like, and part of it can be that it's
just like a bad habit. It would, I could do the same. If I've
been to the chiropractor, I noticed that because you know,
sometimes if they crack things open, it's like something
that's been stored in your body. Yeah. Times I was like, Oh my
goodness, every time I've done this, I go buy candy. So it's
kind of like they crack something open and I sell candy.
Yeah. And I don't know how, how to embrace and not think of that
as a prop. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know how, like,
how, how would I do that?
So, okay, so that was really insightful. So I mean, because
it's, it's usually the issue anyway, but still, you know,
try to like, kind of like, I don't know, investigate and see
if like, maybe something else is going on, you know, but that
another main reason that we eat is if we feel like our lives are
not just out of control, but they are not our own. Like,
you're not doing what you want to do. You're not getting to
live how you want to live. You're not getting you feel
victim to not being able and I'm not declaring this over you. I'm
just saying that, you know, I'm just describing this person over
here. And so you can decide if that's you.
It sounds very much like me, because that is one of the
things where I'm like, I specifically see I get heavier.
And I'm like, Oh, I know, I'm not okay, because that's when I
eat. And it's exactly what you're describing. It's this
Yeah, just content thing.
Yeah, it's, you know, and and feel a bit victim to just
fascinating that we would use this, that that it would follow
this, this phrasing, but we feel victim to God's dictation. And
tyranny is what we feel. And we all know in our in our heads
that that's not how we're supposed to feel. That's not
what God says. But that is how we're reacting. We're reacting
is that God is making me do this. And I don't want to, like
an order or making me meaning like, well, in order to be
obedient, this is what I have to do. So I'm going to make myself
be obedient. And so that still feels like a victim, like I have
to do something in order for God and I to be okay, in order
for God to bless me in order for me to have any hope of any
positive gift from the Lord, eventually, I just have to
endure long enough. And you'll never get to the end of it. I'll
tell you that. That's what drove me eventually to giving up
everything. And you remember my testimony that I gave at the
beginning of the recording, you know, the inner is rest to
teachings. And I said, Hey, here's my testimony. And I just
said, I came to the end, because I realized that in one
of the ways that I explained it was, I had just I had lasted so
long, because I thought if I endured long enough, if I
sacrificed myself, you know, as many times as you know, as I
could possibly figure out how to do, then eventually God would
reward me. So and, and the problem is that that that that
is founded in the belief that God isn't good. It doesn't mean
that, when God that, that God is good. And so therefore, you
know, if our lives are hard, well, that's just weird, because
your life is supposed to be easy. And everything's supposed
to be wonderful. And it's just not true. But the thing is that
when that God, we will find just like Jesus did that no matter
how hard that our lives are, in other words, the things that we
have to overcome, the challenges that we experience our
relationships with other people, we will that God, that God being
good, like our faith and the fact that God is good. And the
reality that we experience
of God being good in our lives,
means that even though we're going through
all of these different aspects of pain,
we don't connect them
as saying anything about God and his goodness.
They're completely disconnected.
They're completely unrelated.
As opposed to right now, we're relating them.
Relating, well, this is hard,
and therefore God isn't good,
and therefore I don't feel safe,
and therefore I felt like he's always expecting
and needing and requiring yet one more thing from me.
And so what changed for me is when I,
because I couldn't disassociate God,
I was struggling to disassociate God from,
and who he said that he was,
and my belief in that he really was that,
like he was good, he was loved, or whatever.
I was having a hard time disconnecting
who he says that he was from what was happening to me.
I kept associating them.
And so what I had, so that's what happened,
what changed everything when I was laying there in bed,
and I just, and I thought, okay,
what ultimately deep down is the problem?
Deep down, I don't feel loved by God.
Generally speaking,
I always felt like I had God's attention.
In fact, it bothered me so much
that I had so much of God's attention
because I felt that I couldn't ever,
I could never get a break.
I always felt the very heavy hand of God's attention,
and it was exhausting.
So anyway, the thing that I struggled with
is not that God doesn't know me.
It was more the fact that God,
I don't feel loved by God.
I feel that he's always watching me.
He's, in fact, he's very vigilant about it.
And he's always needing me to do something else,
and he's always paying attention to this.
And okay, well, Ashley, I gotta correct you over here,
and gotta correct you over here, and gotta watch this.
And I'm like, I just want a bit of a break.
So I thought, okay, ultimately,
my issue isn't that I don't feel that God doesn't,
I don't have God's attention.
It's that I don't feel that he loves me,
that he has, that any of his goodness is towards me.
I believed in general that God was good.
I didn't believe that any of his goodness
was focused on me at all.
So that's why it made such a difference
when I thought, okay, since I can't,
God, I can't experience your love.
I don't feel your love, why?
Because I was always looking at my life.
I was always looking at everything that was happening to me,
or what it was filled with, or whatever.
And I'm just like, see, God, it's just not good,
and you just don't love me.
And if you love me, I would be happier.
I would feel better, I would, whatever.
So that's why I was struggling so much,
and I thought, okay, well, but God says
that he really is love, and he really does love me.
So what's the one thing I haven't tried?
I thought, I haven't decided.
I kept waiting to be convinced.
I kept waiting to experience it,
kept waiting to experience his goodness, experience his love,
but that was the problem.
It wasn't that I wasn't experiencing his goodness and love,
it's that I couldn't recognize it when it happened.
So I never saw it.
It doesn't mean that it wasn't there.
It means I couldn't see it.
So, and it's because you can't see something
that you haven't believed in first.
Your belief will then cause it to reveal itself.
It's very backwards from how we want things to be,
but it's the way that it's set up,
and quite honestly, it's because it's more of a treasure
and more valuable than we've given it credit for.
The most valuable things are the things that are hidden
and are revealed after we choose them
and believe them unconditionally.
So that changed everything for me.
I kept wanting to experience God in a different,
in all the ways that he described, and I just wasn't.
So I finally had to, and again,
is because I was always connecting and associating God
and his character as being described or identified by
or connected to, related to what happened to me.
And that's why it was such a big deal when I told God,
when I did the, when I just gave him my ultimate choice,
and I told him, Lord, I choose you over my lifestyle.
In other words, how I live and what happens
and how much money I have and how my relationships go
and whether or not you're going to force me
to go back to business, you know,
and I really don't want to, you know.
And all of that, because I was like,
I wanted more freedom than I thought
that I could have there, blah, blah, blah.
And I gave all of that up.
And I said, God, I choose you over how my life happens
and over what happens in my life.
So I began to disassociate God from my life.
And because they were disassociated, because I chose to,
I chose to break that connection.
I chose that God was completely unrelated,
so to speak, like who he was as character,
completely unrelated from my life.
what happened. And so, and, in other words, that what happened couldn't describe him. Yes,
there's fruit. Yes, there's manifestation of his character and whatever. But I couldn't look at
these things and use them to describe God or to explain. And that's the disconnect that I'm saying
is made, is that it can't ever go this way. It can only go this way, you know, from heaven into
earth, that God creates things, not that it describes God. So anyway, the thing is, though,
I couldn't understand all of that. Then I was too emotional. And I just, and I just severed
the connection between them. And I chose God and I gave up my lifestyle, completely gave it up.
Um, and I like how, because I understand how I can be like, okay, God, I choose you. I remember
Renata, and I was talking about this. And she said, Oh, oh, she said, she mentioned, I should
probably ask you about that. Actually, she said, Oh, Annette, I feel like there's something that's
always missing in your life. And she's like, I think maybe she's like, I feel like you're
missing part of your salvation. And I'm like, I don't understand why. And that's because
I was only baptized as a baby. And I'm like, I think that's okay. Like I've been around like
Heidi and like all these people. And I've been like, okay, God, if you want to like,
if it's important that I'm baptized as an adult, like just like accommodate it. And I like do it,
you know, like I've been in so many, it's just never happened. So it's not like a resistance
towards it. I remember I was in Bethel and with one of the ministers and I was like, Oh, hey,
maybe you should just baptize me again. This is when I was like, rededicating my life. And he was
like, aren't you baptized as a baby? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, well, we don't baptize
people twice. And I'm like, okay, that was up the minister from their church I normally go to.
So it's just never happened. So I was like, Oh, well, does that matter? You know what I mean?
Like in the whole, like, personally, I don't think so. But I'm like, I'm not the theologian. So
I don't know. So I'm like, Oh, yeah. Because we've been talking about that in the sense of
like feeling God's love, or, because I think it's interesting, everything you're saying now,
and I'm like, Oh, I feel like I can be like, okay, God, I just really want it. Like, I will
shoot like, it's really helpful. Like, okay, I will choose you over anything. And I mean,
I have heard you say it before. And I think I just have to remind myself
is how I'm thinking about it's kind of like when you forgive someone, it's like you don't
necessarily feel it straight away. But you just like continue to say it until something shifts.
And so I think that's how I would go about this. It's just like, regardless of what I look like,
what I weigh, if I'm single, if I'm in this job, if I'm in whatever, like do whatever,
I think I would just do that up until something shifts. I think my fear then is,
oh, nothing's gonna happen, because I don't do it. Or I don't put my faith, you know, because
people are like, Oh, faith is spilled risk, or, you know, like, you need to like,
envision something, and then go for it and make plans to do it, you know, so
I think I'm kind of so two parts in that I'm like, Yes, I can what I said, not like what you said,
I'm like, I can see how I can do. I believe you, I believe you, I believe you, like I lay my life
down, like I trust you until I like something shifts. But my fear would be those two things,
like, Oh, am I missing something in my salvation, holding it back? And then am I
is me? Is that like trying to take back control in the whole like, not like being afraid nothing
will happen? You know what I mean? Because I, I feel like it's right to give it up so many times.
I think you've talked about this before, too. But I feel like I've tried to give it up so many times,
and I'm still stuck in the same place, like, weighing the same in like a job, I don't like
blah, blah, blah. And so I'm just like, I just want to like, get it and have that experience
where it's like, Oh, like you say, like, Oh, I fully chose this and then life transformed,
you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, for one thing, I don't believe that you're missing
any part of your salvation. Salvation is very simple. Honestly, it's, it's, it's literally one
of the most simple things in existence, if not the most simple is you in in from, you know,
what it appears to me in the spirit. It's already happened. You've already done it. It's all good.
You know, if you just choose that God is that, um, that God is, says, yes, you
know, that, that Jesus really is the son of God, you know, that he died for you,
that he paid for everything so that there's literally nothing left for you to
pay for.
And, you know, I believe you really did believe that you really did choose that,
even if, quite honestly, let's just be honest when we choose that sometimes we
really don't fully know what it is that we're choosing.
And I believe God accepts it, you know, cause we're saying that we're doing it.
We're, we're putting ourselves in that position.
I was four.
How much do you understand it for?
I mean, seriously, you know, but I bet I don't question that that's
when I became a question.
Now I did for a long time, you know, until I was about, I don't know.
I don't know how old I was when I finally stopped doubting that I could lose my
salvation at any moment, you know, whatever.
I don't remember cause I was one of those people that just, cause I was also
raised it with a, um, with a curriculum that, that talked about, I don't think
that they, they didn't talk about losing your salvation, but they, that, cause
they didn't believe that you could, but they would talk as they would talk as if
you could, so they preached adamantly against it, but they would always talk
about like, as if you should be afraid that at any moment, if you're not in
obedience, well, then that, that it means you weren't really saved ever.
So they teach you to always doubt yourself.
It's like, that's exhausting.
So because of that, it was terrifying as a child.
And so I struggled with that.
That is, but once I finally became solid and oh no, no, no.
Okay.
What seriously did God say in the Bible?
And between me and him, now that I know God, is he, are he and I okay?
And I'm like, yeah, I know his voice and I know his spirit and yeah, I'm fine.
So I know I really would say, but I was bored and it's just no big deal.
So salvation, honestly, very, very, very, very, very simple.
Um, and then the, and then as far as like baptism, baptism of the
Holy spirit, baptism, baptism by fire, baptism by water, you know, all
of those things are important, but they're not just like communion, but
they're not, um, they, they all are aspects of being a son of God and
living in, um, living with access to all of the power that God says that
we have, I mean, you know, in him.
Um, just, I don't know, just ways in which we connect with him.
I don't fully understand all of it, but, but it doesn't have anything to
do with whether or not we're saved.
You know, my dad, I was shot.
He was, he was baptized in the Methodist church as a baby or not as a baby.
Yeah.
As a baby.
Yeah.
I think the sprinkled, I think, I think that's what the Methodist did.
And then that's why the Baptist were called Baptist because
they believed in full immersion.
So anyway, so he was raised Methodist.
And so he had, he was sprinkled on his baby.
Well, he was a sold out Christian.
I don't know when he became a Christian, maybe nine at camp or something like that.
And then somewhere in high school, I don't know, he just took off
between he and the Lord and, and anyway, and so, and he was, I watched my dad's
baptism about, I don't know, 12 years ago, he'd never been baptized before.
Served as a missionary overseas for a year.
You know, no one questioned his salvation, you know, and meaning
like, because of how he lived and because you could sense the spirit of God.
And he wasn't baptized, baptized in water because he said that he was just, he
don't, you talk to the Lord about it and just never felt that it was the right
time.
And finally, when all of his kids were adults, he suddenly, they were having a
baptism that at his church when, at our church, when my parents moved back and
they suddenly felt like, you know, got a fellow that God's telling me now's the
time.
So now I'm going to be water baptized.
I had no idea.
My dad had never been water baptized.
I mean, like, isn't it like in full immersion as an adult, not sprinkled.
No idea my whole life until about 12 years ago.
The point is, all of those things are important, just like taking communion.
But some people take communion once every several years and other people
take communion every week.
Others to others that I know take communion twice a day.
So the thing is that it doesn't have anything to do with whether or not we're
saved.
They're just, they are there.
I do believe that they do things in the spirit, you know, when we do them, when
we take communion, when we're water baptized, when we're baptized in the
spirit, you know, all of those things, but it doesn't have anything to do with.
You know, so, so, so there's that.
And what was your other question?
You're also talking where I'm, um, cause from more from what I understand now is,
um, my continuing to like eat for, for whatever reason.
is linked to me not necessarily believing that God is good.
And then a way for me to kind of like
bring those two things together would to be,
to continue to just be like, I choose you.
I believe you're, I choose to believe you're good.
I choose to believe the things you're saying over my life.
I choose to believe, you know, like whatever,
regardless of what my life looks like,
I continue to believe that or choose that until I feel it.
But then my fear is that nothing will change
because I feel like I've done that before.
And I feel like that's my fear also with like the eating
or where I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna try to love myself
and speak to my body as I love it until I believe it
or until it believes something.
And then I'm kind of still panicking
because I'll go on the scales and I'll see,
oh, it's increasing or it's doing this.
And then I kind of go back to eating candy
and it's like this, ugh.
Yeah, yeah.
Or I just don't know how to, like how,
how do I declare just like, oh, I believe you're good.
Like whatever you did, like how do I do that
and lose the fear of everything still staying the same
because I feel like I've done it before
and it hasn't changed before.
Exactly, that's the choice that you make.
It's a decision that you choose God over it never happening,
which is more important.
Like in other words, which not, which is more important
in a conceptual idea,
because we all know what's more important.
We all know what we should believe.
We all know what we should find more important,
but what do you choose for your life?
Not what do you think you should?
That won't work.
You have to choose.
Okay, you, what is your, what are you just going to,
what are you going to choose to be your value?
Not that you should value it,
but what do you choose to value more?
Because what you value is based on a decision that you make.
It's not based on how you feel.
What it is that you're valuing now
is based on decisions that you've made.
And it's based on beliefs that you have
about God or about life or whatever.
So that is the thing.
It's like, you're asking, well, how do I choose God
without the fear?
You choose God instead of the,
okay, so say for instance,
you're afraid of these things not happening.
You choose God and you say, Lord,
I'm unintentionally choosing you
over these things never ever happening, ever.
And that's what I told the Lord.
Because I feel like I get it in the sense
where I've been like,
I choose you over ever getting married.
Like I hope and think,
and I think you do have somebody for me,
but I choose you regardless.
I choose you regardless of whatever that looks like.
And I trust you to fill my life with people
and with like, I just trust him in that.
Like it's fine.
And people think I'm weird probably, but that's okay.
But-
So you're releasing-
I just can't practically seem to understand
like how do I do that with this weight?
Like, okay, so I say, I choose you God,
but then I feel like I still have to do something myself
to be able to actually lose the weight.
You know, like watch what I eat or do, you know,
like do exercise and stuff like that.
And that's also tied together with, you know,
the second thing, which is I choose to believe you're good,
whatever my life looks like
and whatever I'm working with or doing,
or whether I'm in a rigid job or in a stressful job,
or if I have all the freedom in the world,
or if I have a lot of money or not a lot of, you know,
like, I don't know.
Yeah.
So part of the whole choice thing
is you are choosing to emotionally release God
of the obligation to do something in your life,
like help you lose weight or whatever.
Because right now there's this thing of like,
Lord, I'm hurt because you haven't helped me.
I'm hurt because I'm in this situation
and you're not helping me out of it,
or you're not showing to me what it is that I can do.
the formula that I need to follow, they'll fix it.
Or you just fixing it on your own more
because I don't even know quite
how I even got in this situation.
So, I mean, I'm a good girl.
Why on earth, you know, did this happen to me?
You know, why all of a sudden
did my body respond in this way or whatever?
And Lord, this just, depending on the situation,
it can be like, we can feel like there's something in us
that even knows we did this to,
even though we know we did this to ourselves,
it's like, well, I did this and I ate this and whatever.
There's some aspect in us that feels like,
Lord, I don't deserve this.
This is unfair.
It shouldn't be like this.
There's something, even though logically
we may not be able to explain it to ourselves,
emotionally, there's something in us
that feels like what we're experiencing,
even if logically we can talk to ourselves and say,
hey, look, I know how this happened.
I know, I can see that I did it.
Emotionally, it feels like, Lord, I don't deserve this.
I am a victim to something that's happened to me
and I'm better than this.
I don't know how this happened.
My actions, Lord, I'm bearing heavier consequences
than my actions should have caused
is what we can emotionally think, right?
We're, so we're emotionally holding God obligated
and to us for something that's happened
or something that's not happening that we want to happen,
you know, that kind of thing.
That's what I'm talking about that we have to sever.
We have to say, okay, God,
I'm no longer gonna hold you emotionally responsible
for what has happened or what I want to happen
that you're not helping me with
or that hasn't happened,
that I wanna happen that hasn't happened.
I'm gonna stop emotionally holding you obligated to that.
I'm gonna release you.
Basically what you're doing is you're forgiving God
because forgiving doesn't mean
you're releasing someone from wrongdoing.
It means you're releasing, holding something against them.
So that's the big thing between us and God
where is we're always needing to remove accusation
that we're holding against him.
That's what this is,
is to let go of the accusation
of holding things in accusation against God
of things that have happened
that we think shouldn't have happened
or things that we want to happen that haven't
and holding him basically emotionally accountable to us
for all of those things.
That's what we want to release
because forgiveness is just release.
Because remember you're the one
that something has happened to.
And so in a court of law, including in heaven,
and then because this even works in the spirit realm,
according to law that you are the one
who has the right to release the thing
that released someone from something they've done to you.
Including like even in, like say for instance,
if a friend of yours did wrong against you
and you take them before the Lord,
I'm like, Lord, I'm having a hard time forgiving them.
But you know what?
I'm here to forgive.
And you will find that what it is
that God holds is very sacred, even in the heavens.
And so say for instance,
that you're there with God and the angels
and even like Satan and the evil spirits
because they're sitting there in accusation against you
of like, hey, you know, dah, dah, dah.
And God gives you the power
to free that other person
from bearing the consequences of what they've done
because it was done to you.
So you're the one who has the right to release them.
Case in point, even in the physical world,
in a court of law, the judge allows a person
that the crime was done against
to free the other person from not bearing any consequences,
even in a court of law.
The one exception is obviously
if the person has like committed some murder or whatever,
that's a federal offense.
So yeah, even though,
so if it's something that like you've actually broken
the law where we're like, you know,
it's where you actually have to not make payment,
what is it called?
But you actually have to be in front of,
that the government now has ought against you.
So it's not just the person like, you know,
that was something was done to,
it was also the thing that was done against the government,
you know, well, then the government also,
as the judge, you now have the right to say something.
But if it's not a case like that,
if it's a case of like, I don't know,
like stealing money from someone's wallet or whatever.
ever or whatnot. It is that person that has the right to completely absolve that person
from having to bear any consequences and the judge will honor it because that person is the one that
has the right to bring accusation or to free them from it. So it's the same thing between you and
God. Even though God hasn't done anything wrong, we feel that he has and we're the ones holding
accusation against him for something that was done to us that we think is God. Emotionally,
we think it is a belief or whatever. So you have the power in heaven, this is how it works
spiritually, that what you're holding against God is actually doing something in the spirit realm.
Even though God didn't deserve it, you're holding something against God, we're accusing God of
something and that is a major wall, it's a major block, it's a major resistance that is being
honored. The spirit realm is upholding it because you have that right. It doesn't mean that it's
deserved, but you have that right and you're holding against it. So it's this thing that
exists. So you're the one who has the right and God is waiting for you to be the one to declare
that those consequences and that judgment is now removed to no longer hold it against him.
So with my ex-fiance, I obviously had to do that with forgiveness, but I had to do it.
It took a really long time and I had to consciously choose it every single day for
a long time until something shifted in me emotionally. So with this, is it the same
thing? Do I have to go before the courts of law with it? Do I just do it one time? Do I do it?
I know it sounds like I'm still looking for a formula and maybe I am. I love quick fixes.
I'm just wondering if that is what has not been happening before, is that I felt like
I've given it up, but then maybe I've taken it back on or you know what I mean? How do I know
when I've done it and I don't have to worry about it anymore? Well, in a manner of speaking,
we continually do it because that's the overcoming. What it is that we're overcoming is all of our own
is all of the unbeliefs that our soul and our body is holding against God.
So what you're doing is you're continually coming up against another one and it's not meant to be
overwhelming or anything. God's just like, Hey, this is the process. This is what it is that we're
doing. You didn't have to go through this process before the fall, you know, before it was very easy
to express me, you know, you and me together just express who it is that we are. But now there's
this whole thing of like, there's this, there's this resistance and this opposing belief against
what it is about me that you're presenting. And it's saying that I'm not who I say that I am.
And you're trying to say, yes, you are who you say that you are. And there's this opposition.
And so you have to choose this in the face of this, as opposed to before, there was no such
thing as this, this is all that existed. So there was no opposing force. Now there's an opposing
force to have to choose this over because your temptation is to choose this one, you know?
So I would obviously like then go and just like release God from what you said, like, okay,
I release you for it from any obligation of my life, looking in a certain way. And I released
from the obligation of feeling hurt that I feel like I've done this before and nothing's changed.
Correct. That's a big one. Yeah. And then once I've done that and like,
maybe, I don't know if you repent or ask for forgiveness or something. I don't know how that
looks. Would it then look like, okay, so say then I want to go eat candy again. Do I then like,
okay, well, this is what I want, but I still like choose to believe you're good. And I still
release you from the obligation of me wanting to lose weight or like, I don't know how practically
because I don't see like, because when I was choosing to forgive my ex, like because it took
such a long time, I'm not necessarily believing that once I release God, then it'll be like magic
and the weight will drop off and I no longer want to eat and everything like bad things.
It could, would be great. Yeah. No, it has to be continually chosen and it has to be walked out.
Now, remember though, when you, when you choose something.
You know, you really are taking that aspect of your flesh and you're sacrificing it.
And if you've truly done it, then that aspect of you truly has died.
The aspect of the flesh truly has died and has been replaced by spirit.
And then that aspect of you can can never die again, can never go through this whole process again.
I'm like having to die again, whatever you've already done it.
So you're always running. You're just going to be running into deeper layers of it.
Other aspects of the same issue in which you're not choosing God, in which you're not believing the Lord or whatever.
And you're like, OK, Lord, now in this one that's now been revealed, I'm choosing you in the face of this.
I'm choosing you in the face of this and what's going to happen.
And this is how this is the process through which the Lord does it.
This is the practical way in which it looks in our lives, is that it's as a friend of mine refers to as writing a new record.
Where in the example that he uses is like it's like, you know, you've got your you know, it's like you've broken your arm and then you and then your arm sets incorrectly.
So in order for your arm to set and that's like all of these past things, events and experiences that have happened to us and things we've believed about God as a result.
And so it hasn't the bone hasn't set correctly.
So now how do you get the bone to set correctly? You have to break it again.
So that's why we keep having the same experiences over and over and over to have all of these cycles.
Exactly. Those are opportunity after opportunity after opportunity to choose something different about God than we chose last time.
To say that this time, God is who he says that he is, as opposed to what I have been believing about him when these things have happened and what I've chosen and what I've acted out, whatever.
I'm now going to choose something different in the face of this situation.
So whenever you're running in and so what it's going to do is it's going to write a new record, it's going to make it different.
You're making a different determination about God when you're triggered this time.
So and so every time that you're triggered is going to be a new thing.
It's going to feel like it's the same issue, but it's actually always a deeper level of the same issue.
So and you're just getting down to the root. So eventually, kind of like what with your ex-husband, you're just like, or your ex-fiance, you were just like, well, you know, it took me a long time because you kept being triggered.
So you're like, okay, now I choose this. And so it's at this deeper layer until eventually you're like, oh, wow.
It really, it, you know, I really am choosing this. I really am believing this. It really has happened.
And it's the same thing. It's the same thing.
It's like easy. Then I just said, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive. Like I would bite my pillow. I would be so angry, but then I would do it every single day.
And then all of a sudden, one day I was like, oh, I really don't care anymore. Like, I really like, I forgive you. I'm like, bye.
Yeah.
And then there were a lot of other things to walk out, but I still don't really know if I'm grasping fully like what I need to do now.
Like, I understand what you're saying, but I don't.
Yeah. How to do it.
Like I almost have it, but I don't really know how to do it.
Yeah.
When we hang up, I'm like, I don't really know what I do then.
Correct.
Yeah.
So one of the. Okay.
So do you understand what I mean when I'm talking about making a willful and intentional decision that God is who he says that he is not that you're trying to believe it, not that you're trying to convince yourself, not that you're just saying it.
Do you know what I mean when I say that you intentionally inside make a decision, a powerful one, as if you are now, I don't mean this in a sacrilegious way at all.
No.
But, well, okay, so in order to avoid that, let me, let me just use a different word.
You are a king who has the right to make a decree.
You can decide that something's true. So, so many, because we've been in church so long, we feel like we, I don't know about you, but I just wasn't taught that I had any power or any of my own will whatsoever.
I was just stifled so much that I was told one I was bad.
We love quoting that verse, you know, to children and to each other and all of that and so we have a tendency to think, I'm just bad, I should never do anything on my own because if I do it on my own.
And if I do it on my own like will and intention and decision, then I'm being egotistical, and I'm acting like I'm my own God.
And it's not, at least in the way that that I'm referring to it there's an aspect of the bag.
of ourselves, where God says, no, you have your own free will, and I just am guiding
you to choose this, in other words, me, over not me, you know, God, over not God, but there's
nothing wrong with your free will and using it.
In fact, you can't follow God as a son without using your free will.
Otherwise, you're just a slave, and you're no better off than before you were saved,
as far as I mean, yeah, you could have been and all that, but my point is like, you're
still living as if you weren't, you know, so that's so when I talk about like making
a willful decision, like you decided that that's how it is going to be, as if you were
and no, I don't mean anything sacrilegious when I say this, but as if you were a God,
I'm talking that kind of a power of making a decision is that in other words, that you
don't question the fact that you've just made up a new rule, by the way by the way by which
the world works, you've now made a decision.
So to us, we're just like, that's crazy.
You can decide how the world works, you just have to learn how God decided the world was
going to work, you know, and you just have to learn what already exists, you don't get
to decide anything, you don't get to make anything up.
And the only people that do with us are those people that are like doing things by like
drinking other people's blood, and they're like on, they're learning like the secret
and laws of attraction, and they're doing, you know, they're atheistic and whatever.
We're not.
And that is that is taking our free will and choosing not God.
That's like, no, no, no, take your free will and choose me.
So, but it's still your free will.
Here's my point, you have autonomy.
You have the autonomy to make a decision apart from God, in a manner of speaking.
So you decide, because God's over God, think of it like, you know, and basically God is
going to honor your decision.
That is scary.
I don't know about you, but I honestly that really, especially for people, you know, that
I would imagine, you know, you were like me, in fact, that you grew up and probably grew
up in a church where, you know, it was, we're so used to like the Israelites, we were so
used to slavery, that we thought that that was safe.
We thought that that was good, that was familiar.
And God is like, no, you're meant for freedom.
But we see freedom as scary.
Why?
Because it requires responsibility.
It requires the fact that you could bear the consequences of having made the wrong decision.
That's what I'm saying.
Go to that scary place of understanding that you have the right to make an autonomous free
will decision, and then decide which decision that you want to make.
Do you want to make, do you want to choose that God really is who he says that he is?
And you're choosing that instead of choosing your life.
So are you going to give up your life to gain it?
You know?
Or are you going to choose, no, I, I just, I want things to be a particular way.
So it's because what some people choose is they choose that, well, I still want God in
my life and I want to just kind of be there, but there's a limit on the amount of closeness
that I want to have to him.
I want all of these nice things that the non-believers have.
So I would like to have God there for me to, for, for me to have like a, a, an assurance
ticket that I'm going to get to heaven and it's all eventually going to be okay, but
I want to give myself what it is that I want here.
And so I'm going to go and learn all of the worldly formulas about how to predict and
determine my own future and get what I want.
A lot of people choose that.
In fact, most people do, they choose that.
So what the rest intensive is all about is for me to help people understand how to make
the other choice.
But all I do is to help support people in understanding how to do it.
And so that's why that's like this discussion here is you're like, yeah, but what are you
talking about?
And so that's why I keep trying to figure out different ways to articulate something.
Cause that's the whole, this, what we're discussing right now, this is the whole point of the
rest intensive is like to help someone understand in a way that they need to, of what I'm saying
so that they can decide, is that what I want to do?
But ultimately what is going on is you have to make a decision.
So if you won't convince yourself, you won't, it, you won't, it, most of the time we don't
experience it unless we've chosen the exception to that is obviously God, you know, does all
things however he wants. And some of the ways that he reveals
to us that he's faithful, is he teaches us like a child by
doing something for advice, spoon feeding us. The point is
that if you and I are to the point where we are with the
Lord, God stops spoon feeding us. And now he says, No, you
choose me first, and then I will show you who I am. Because you're
now to the point where you don't know how to ask for something
that you've never seen of me. So you have to choose it
unconditionally into the unknown, to risk everything on
it, including the way you wish that life would work, and give
up it ever changing from the discontent situation in which
you're finding yourself. And you and you tell me, Hey, God, you
if it's your will, and it's who it is that you are, I will stay
in this discontented state for the rest of my life. I just ask
that I have you. And I don't know who that is. Yeah. So it's a
good choice that you make the end you're choosing not this
anymore. Yeah, that makes it won't get any easier than that.
Does that make sense? Yeah, I'm waiting for it to be easier.
Like, oh, I want to experience it. So I know it's true or
whatever. And it won't get easier. Yeah. So I get that. So
now I feel like I get that part of it. And then with that. So
then in that when I choose that, and I stay there, I still
can choose to exercise and eat healthy and blah, blah, blah,
because that's just good for me.
Yeah, so what I what I recommend that you do with that is again,
you're choosing that God is good. Remember, you're choosing
that God is who he says that he is, and that you are who he says
that you are. So that's why we've been talking for the past
few weeks about about focusing on, okay, enjoy yourself. In
other words, teach yourself to stop viewing your relationship
with God, and you waking up every morning and going
throughout the whole day before you until you go to bed with
this perspective that that that you are subject to and victim
to whatever it is that God is going to whatever God's will is
and whatever he he's going to ask you to do, you know, in
other words, that your life isn't your own, and that
everything he's going to ask you to do is hard. And that whatever
it is, he asked you to do is always going to be the thing you
don't want to do. And he's going to say no to all the things that
you want. So instead of because that's been our default
interaction with the Lord, we're wanting to break that and say,
No, God is good. Now I don't get to determine what that goodness
looks like when it manifests into my life. It might manifest
as pain, but God bit just because it manifests as pain
doesn't mean that God isn't good and that that's in that. And it
can still be God being good to me, because there's something
about me that he's focused on that he's wanting to give me
more love and more freedom. So even if I can't see it, that's
fine. I just always choose that no matter what's happening to
God is being really good right now. And you can disconnect it
from what's happening. But you can choose that while the thing
is happening, God is being very good right now. And he has been
very good to me. And you can still disconnect it from the
fact that Yeah, but these things are happening, you can still
believe in the almost like we categorize it, you know, in like
this totally separate little box, that even though this thing
is happening, God is being good, and he's being good to me
right now. And it's a willful decision, you're making it up,
because there will be no evidence, there will be no
proof and no way for you to be able to nothing that is
happening in your life, that will make sense to you that that
could possibly be true. Because you're like, No, my life is
currently reflecting the opposite of God being good, is
reflecting the fact that I'm probably doing that. And I've
probably made the wrong decision. And God's probably
punishing me and God's whatever. And the majority of the time, I
don't believe that he is the majority of the time. And I say
punishing us, it's not punishing us. But what I'm saying is
majority of the time, I don't believe it's him correcting us.
It's, it's just simply that we're looking at everything
thinking that that the discomfort is correction. And
God's just like, No, no, I am I am my correction in my
guidance for you is poured out to you by me being good and
kind and loving and giving showering you in abundance. But
you're not calling me good. So you don't get to see the
goodness. You don't get to, we get to experience of God. And
this is kind of like where the rubber meets road. This is kind
of that how you would summarize the this is that we get to
of God who we did, we get to experience the God that we declare that he is, whoever we
declare him to be is how he shows up.
So if we say he's only this good, instead of this good, he's only going to show up as
this good in our lives, because he honors the fact that we've declared that this is
who he is.
He's like, okay, then that's how I'll show up.
But if he, if he, if we agree with him that he's this good, then he'll show up as this
good.
Why?
Because he'll only show up as he really is.
He doesn't show up as he's not, but he'll only show up to the degree that we say, agree
with him that he is.
So anyway, that's, so what it is that we're experiencing of God is who it is that we've
said that he is.
So we have, if we want a different experience in life, we have to declare that he's different
than who we've been declaring him to be.
We have to look at, and we have to just simply choose that he is that those things, not making
something up like, oh, I wish God was a unicorn.
And I wish that every time that I sold him this, that you would just grant what I wish.
We're not talking about making something up.
We're talking about the, who does he say that he is?
And I'm going to choose he's that.
And then I'm going to watch to see how he chooses to express it, because that's something
we don't get to determine.
We don't get to determine what our life, so to speak, we don't get to determine what our
life and we don't get to determine the outcome.
So when it comes to like my work now or the outcome with this court thing or getting married
or not, but I still don't get it in the, in the eating healthy or the weight thing, like
the very practical, like, cause I feel like the other things are so big that I'm like,
I can't really do anything with those, you know, like, I'm like, God, you're just going
to have to, like, I'm going to choose, I'm going to choose that you're good and see what
happens.
Yeah.
Well, it's the same thing though, with remember what it is that we're believing about God
is just not what he says about himself, but what he says about us, because the issue with
the eating is what we believe about ourselves, that we're not good or we're not safe or we're
the problem or we're an issue or we're whatever.
So our body sees ourselves as it believes that we're seeing it as an enemy.
So we have to stop seeing ourselves the way that we've been seeing ourselves and we have
to see ourselves the way that God says that we are.
And that was what I was talking about, about that whole aspect of like, so how do you practically
start shifting into that belief?
Because remember, you have to choose that it's true, but now you have to act on it.
So what are the practical things you can do to act on the fact that you chose like, okay,
if I really believe that, that God is who he says to be as in who he's in, that I really
am who insists I am, that I'm perfect, that I'm one with Christ, that I'm in seated in
that position of power and authority and on the judgment seat of Christ that I see.
And I'm everything righteously that I am, that who it is that I am is actually spirit.
If all of those things are true, and if I choose that, that is my reality, because again,
you're making an autonomous decision that that is actually true and it will feel like
you're making it up.
And that's hard to do because we were, that was knocked out of us very young at a very
young age that don't believe something that's not true and hasn't proven itself to you.
And God's saying, no, do the opposite.
You know, so that's very hard for us to undo, but anyway, we have to do it.
So it'll feel like you're making it up, make it up.
I mean, like, don't make it up, but like, it'll feel like it.
So just go into that feeling of like, this feels like very unsafe because it feels like
I'm just totally making up an unreality, but remember what makes it a reality?
The fact that God said, not the fact that you saw proof, but the fact that he said,
so, okay, who does he say that I am?
Okay.
Well, he says that he and I are, are completely fun and that my spirit is completely fine.
And that is just my soul and that's my identity.
So there's nothing wrong between me and the Lord and that who it is that I am is perfect
and who it is that I am, you know, it's fine.
So I now need to be the king for my soul and my body to know that they're safe so that
everything that they're doing to provide for them, protect themselves isn't necessary anymore.
Now that I'm here is the spirit to do it for them.
So, but how do I convince them to give up?
They're protecting themselves.
They're providing for themselves or whatever.
In other words, that's feeling not, how do I get them to stop eating?
No, you're addressing.
How do I get them to stop believing what they're believing?
How do I get them to choose that?
I really am who I say that I am.
I am who God says that I am.
I really will.
I really have the power and the wisdom and the righteousness because I'm united with
Christ to give them all the protection and provision that they need and that they will
be safe.
And even though they let down their guard, how do I convince them of that?
And what you do is you, is you fully.
accept them the way that they are, not requiring them to put down their, their guard. And then
just, and then so they can be safe with you, even while they consider you the enemy,
that you're, that they're still safe with you. And you fully love and accept and accept them,
even though they're resisting you. And even though they don't like you, and even though
they don't trust you and they whatever, and you love them, and you actually don't be the
thing that they think that you are, they think you're something prove different. And then when
you're, and then so, and then by just loving and accepting them fully the way that they are and
not requiring them to ever weigh anything different, you know, and then that is the
practical way to do it. It's, and then just kind of like, and then, so even when you eat,
because I've even walked somebody else through anorexia with it, with all of this as well.
And so, cause she was like, actually, what do I do? Because I, I you know, I hardly eat at all.
And then when I do eat, she's like, is she, it wasn't bulimia, but it was like bulimia. She would
just bench like a bulimic, but I don't think she would actually throw up anyway. And so she's just
like, actually, what do I do? And I said, fully loving, you accept yourself when you bench.
I said, just to stop resisting you stop thinking that you're this bad thing that now needs to feel
horrible because you've done this. Stop considering yourself the problem that you
were always trying to fight. I said, and then your body and your, because it's simply operating off
of emotion and what it believes will stop feeling the need. It will stop feeling unprotected by you.
It will stop feeling unsafe. I said, and then you'll stop eating because it no longer needs
to protect itself from you. Now that you always provide a safe place for you. So it doesn't need
to go to try to make it some safety. If it already is safe, if it already feels that it no longer
needs to do it. So I don't have to, so I'll just fully love and accept myself, even if I eat crap,
but I can also still love and accept myself. If I choose to work out and eat healthy, like,
it's not like a reward thing, you know, but like maybe stop going on the scale every morning to see
what I went, you know what I mean? That was, that was the other thing I was going to suggest
to teach yourself. This is at least what I do to teach myself something. I get very drastic
with myself, including things like I stopped weighing myself every day. Cause I would,
I weighed myself every day for years, every day for years. And so I just stopped weighing myself.
I'm like, no, Ashley, no, you really will be. You really, if, if you say that you really are okay,
prove it to yourself. Don't weigh to measure and see if you're okay with yourself because then
you're, why are you checking? You're checking in order to see if you're okay with yourself.
I'm like, no, I am. I choose that. I am. You can't be like, well, no, I'm just,
I'm just not going to do it. I'm going to force myself to not, to not weigh. And I'm just going
to like, you know, just try really hard to do it. That's, that's this whole, like the exertion thing,
which is still fighting the thing in you. That is like, I have to do it because I'm not okay.
Now you finally choose. No, I am okay with myself. I'm just simply, I've made the choice first.
And now by I'm acting on it by, I'm not going to, I'm going to prove it by I'm not going to
weigh or whatever. And then, and then fully love and accept your body just kind of, you know,
as it is. And it doesn't mean that you don't have to go. Cause right now I'm not okay.
But I just have to choose, choose that. I'm okay. Even if I'm not okay.
What I mean by okay. Is that you're accepting yourself. You're like, this is who, this is who
I am. And I don't mean like, yeah, you identify with like struggling with weight. I don't mean
that who you are. I mean, I could be like, okay, you've gone through bad things right now. Yeah.
You gained weight. It's understandable. It's a new job. You lost your dad. There's a trial.
There's a lot of things going on. Like you're okay. Yeah. Or like you're okay. Is in like, okay.
I'm I'm like, I'm mad right now. I am. Does it mean that you need to act on the fact that you're
mad? It just means you just get alone or alone with yourself. What I mean is like no distractions.
I don't mean like physically alone, but like you just, okay. No distractions. You just focus on
the fact of like, okay, how am I feeling in knowledge to yourself? How it is that you're
feeling? I'm feeling mad. I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling scared. I'm feeling, you know, whatever,
or I'm wanting to eat or I'm battling. I'm, you know, I'm scared of the fact that I want to eat
or I don't know whatever it is, or I'm feeling bad because I just ate whatever it is. Like
what I'm saying about like the fact that you're okay.
Is sure. There's the whole, okay. Like me and God between in my spirit, we're okay.
There's that aspect, but what I'm also talking about is the I am is acknowledging the fact that
you feel the way that you feel and letting that be okay that you feel that way. I am mad. Okay.
I'm just mad right now, or I'm, or I'm afraid, or I just eat. I would recommend you're not
associating the fact that that you don't associate it with an action like, oh, I just
you, um, like associate it with an emotion. Like this is how I'm feeling, or this is how I'm doing
not. Oh, I just ate all of this, but I'm okay. Don't associate it with an action associated with
the root of why you did it or how you're feeling about it, because that is why you're doing the
action. Just like our action comes after our faith in order to prove our faith is the same
with all of this other stuff is the reason why we're doing something is because of what we believed
anyway. So forget what you did release yourself from, from always being, from always associating
with and connecting with what you're doing and always connect with. Okay. How you're feeling
or, or what it is that you're believing right now or whatever, and just accept yourself
as struggling with that right now. Okay. That's okay. Remember, it's not you who's struggling.
It's your spirit. That's looking at your soul and your body and just knowing, okay, well,
you know, the children right now, in other words, this aspect of me, and let's just call it a lower
aspect. You know, I don't want to make it sound, you know, like it's in, like, it's not important,
but just think of it kind of like a lower aspect, you know, this part of me, you know,
still not perfect. And in all of that, it's struggling right now. I'm not, but it is.
Yeah. So you remember that you anchor yourself in who it is that you are as, as being who God
says that you are, but you acknowledge that this other aspect of yourself that really is used.
You don't can disconnect from it. That's a huge, important thing. Otherwise it feels abandoned by
you. And that's why it's eating. So connect yourself with it where you're like, Hey,
you know, I don't identify. I I'm already perfect and I'm imperfect while you're struggling and
you're part of me. And so I know that you feel that your struggle is making us and who we are
bad. And it's not, you can struggle, but I need the spirit. I'm the thing that identifies all of
us is good. We're all good. We're all okay. You know, and so you can struggle. And so it will
feel, it will, it will release its need to do, to act out the way it's acting out. If it knows
that truly it's valued for who it is and not judged for what it's doing or not doing, then
it will eventually release its need to do those things. Yeah. I feel like that was like full
circle. Yeah. I'm like, okay. So me and God there, then the spirit, then yes. Yeah. Yeah.
So that's why I was always talking about choosing God and choosing who he says that we are and how
that eventually trickles down into how our body and our soul then respond, because otherwise you're
right. It can feel so disconnected. Cause you were like, well, wait a minute, you know, you're
saying this. And so I get that. That's great. But what about, what do I do? And I'm like,
well, that actually determines what you do is like, if those, if those things are true,
if I choose that, I got his specificity is that I am who he says that I am. Therefore,
what would I do? How would I act? And because I'm choosing that it's true. Okay. So now that I
choose it, it's true. And that is really who I am now. What does that person want to do?
What does that person believe is the righteous decision to make God now that I'm no longer
threatened by whatever you tell me to do, but what should we do together? Should we do this
or should we do this? Should we have this business or should we go, or should we, you know, um,
apply for this other job? You know, what do we do? Because I've releasing the outcome to you,
but I'm no longer emotionally accusing you based off of which one you tell me to do
because you were okay. And I'm okay. Oh, we froze.
Oh, are you there? Oh yeah. It froze. I know. Yeah. Emotionally. Um, you said,
oh yeah. When you're not emotionally, do I stay here? Do I do this job?
Yeah. Emotionally accusing you is what I heard. And then, yeah. So you released God of emotionally,
uh, at least God of any emotional accusation, uh, based off of which one he tells you to do.
Oh, we're frozen again.
You hear me?
Yeah, I do.
Okay, so anyway, that's what I would recommend, yeah.
So does that make sense about how-
How much sense, yeah.
Okay, good, all right.
So I'm glad that you pursued and continuing to ask
because that's what I want people to do.
I'm like, no, this is why the rest intensive is like
for people to make sure that they're understanding.
And that's also part of the reason
why I have transformation sessions
to make sure that people don't get left behind
in like, they're not wanting to say something
to everybody else, you know, on the bars of chats
or whatever that, hey, they don't get it
because everybody else seems to get it.
I want everyone to make sure that they understand
in their own way that they need to
what I'm actually saying.
Because everyone comes with their own background,
their own understanding of certain phrasing and whatever.
So anyway, so I hope that was helpful.
Thank you so much, yes, it was really, really good.
I mean, it's all been really, really good,
but now I feel like, oh yeah, no, I-
Like solidified in a way where I'm like,
oh yes, now I know what to do.
Okay, good, good, I'm glad.
So now it's just the actual like doing of the thing,
like the choosing and then they're walking it out
and whatever, but I'm telling you what,
it literally changes your life,
changes your relationship with the Lord,
changes the experience of the life that you have.
It'll be bigger and broader and more hope filled.
And you will notice that so many aspects of your life
remain the same and yet it takes you a while to realize it
because your life feels so different
because so many other aspects of your life
or the experiences are changing
and just who God is to you and how the two of you interact,
like totally recolors your life, so anyway.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
And also I am glad that the Lord reminded me
before we jumped off,
I am still not able to get any of the information.
I'm sorry that you said that you forwarded to me.
So I wanted to make sure that the ticket
is under my name, Ashley Perez, and-
I'm gonna write them and just make sure,
because it's so weird,
because it's like normally I'm supposed to have two
and then I said, I'll sign up for like the online one
and then I said, you would be there in person,
but I'm gonna email them right now.
I'm gonna get on a chat and just wanna check,
because I think you sent me the email address.
I just wanna write it down one more time.
Okay.
Because what I wanna do,
like if for some reason there is, oh no.
Yeah, are you there?
Yeah, I basically like if there is,
I don't know if they changed or blah, blah, blah.
Either way, if something has changed,
I will get it under your name
and ask them to send you like all the information.
So that, yeah,
cause there was one where it's like sign up another guest.
And then there was one where it's like gift my ticket.
So they told me, so I did both,
cause they told me something.
So I'm like, oh, I don't get what,
cause I've done like both of them just to be sure.
Cause I looked for myself
and I couldn't find a way for me to contact them.
Cause I tried to do it on my own
so that you wouldn't have to do anything.
But I'm like, there's no way that they should,
I can't contact them.
Now I do also, like I said,
I have a friend whose husband is going to head up IT.
So she even offered me, she found out that I was coming.
And then so she offered to also help out
on the backend as well, if we couldn't figure it out.
So she'd probably meet me at registration tomorrow
and make sure everything's all good.
But so we have a backup plan, but I thought it,
for one thing I thought, well, being someone like Pedro
that you've got a particular system,
I always try to want to honor whatever system
they have to get all this stuff worked out.
So I was like, well, I'll see if Annette knows anything.
Or if you could take a screenshot of like the ticket
cause, or that I would be using.
I'll get on a chat with them
and then I'll ask them to send you like,
so it's Ashley, what was the email you said again?
Ashley.
Ashley N for Nicole.
Yeah.
So Ashley N Wheeler,
W-H-E-E-L-E-R at gmail.com.
So Ashley Wheeler, let's see.
But you can put my name down as Ashley Perez.
Yeah.
Ashley N Wheeler.
Yeah, it comes up.
So I have done that before.
Yeah.
Cause I was going to ask you,
cause I'm like, oh, I need to ask her that
so I can contact them if not.
Cause I'm like, this is so weird.
Um, but yeah, so I will do that and then I'll send you a messenger once I've talked to them
and just say, and yeah, well, I'm sorry, you're having to go through all this trouble because
I really appreciate it.
It's just really strange.
I'm like, why?
Yeah.
I mean, it's also like, it starts at four in the afternoon for me and goes until like
four in the, in the night.
So there's going to be so many hours that I miss out anyways, where I'm like, okay.
So I'm like, if I can join great.
If I can be online.
And if not, I was like, as soon as they talked about it, I was like, Ashley needs to go to
this.
So I'm like, I think I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Now, um, how, how are, are you connected with it?
Do you, are you part of his like mastermind or I'm part of his, so, cause I was actually
in Mozambique before he started this.
So he had donated some money because he was doing fine in this, like, well, you probably
know his testimony and it's like a financial business or whatever.
So he had donated some money to be a part of a film crew with my friend Shara, who used
to be the personal assistant of Heidi Baker.
And he wanted to like go to Mozambique to like meet Heidi.
And this was a way to do that.
So anyway, so we were like hanging out in Heidi's place in Mozambique and it was really
cool.
Like they prayed over him and he got a prophetic word and they were prophesying, you know,
that he would, um, take like kingdom finance and stuff like this all over the world.
And this was before he was like, okay, you know how, when you get a word and you're like
put it on the shelf for later, cause it doesn't make any sense to me.
Like I think that's what he was doing.
And then it's so fun to see like everything that's happened in such a short amount of
time.
So I think he had been talking to Sean bolts and he was just annoyed that so many ministers
are struggling to make money because he's like, this is not the kingdom of God.
Like, like, like it's abundance, like it's everything.
And then Sean was like, well, teach them how to.
And then, so I was part of that, his first little Facebook thing.
And then he started 100 X and then I've just kind of been apart since the beginning.
So I'm like, I'm in for life.
Yeah.
So it's like, you have like a lifetime membership thing.
So, so I've been doing that.
I should be better being on the calls and actually doing all of it.
Um, cause it's, I mean, it's good teaching.
He's he's, he's intense, but he's, he's, he's says I'm not angry, I'm passionate, but he's
he's, um, yeah, he's, um, he's Pedro.
Yeah.
He's, he's really good with business and his heart is in the right place and you know,
like it's, uh, yeah, there's things to learn.
So what I understood is at this conference, they were going to focus more on scaling up
and like, actually like, how do you make your business more profitable or something?
Yeah.
The upper room was going to be there.
I love their worships.
I was like, oh man, I wish I was there just for that.
So yeah.
Yeah.
That's what I heard.
Yeah.
That they're coming.
Yeah.
Anyway.
Well, good.
Well, I have a friend.
I'm very excited.
So like I said, my friend is going to be there and, um, I had no idea that she was coming
in person.
I was like, well, this is exciting.
And, uh, she, um, oh, well, I don't know if you ever saw this, but did you ever see an
interview with, um, of me with, uh, Lindsay Benzel on sale on my page?
She is on.
Okay.
So anyway, um, because some people have seen it since it's the more, one of the more recent
interviews I think she did it in April, the Graham cook.
Yeah.
Yes.
Correct.
So that, that Lindsay, that's my friend.
She's going to be there.
So, and, okay.
So, you know, the platform that I host the rest intensive on called tribe heard her husband.
That's there.
That's their platform.
They built that.
And so a hundred X is, is now, now uses tribe.
That's their app.
That's everything.
So anyway.
Yeah.
So she, she, and, and, and her husband have been part of, um, Pedro Singh since, you know,
near the beginning.
Now she hadn't known him like as long as you have, but it was like, since he like came
up and started doing challenges, you're like, oh, I don't know about this guy.
Well, we'll try a challenge.
And then they were in, so they've been in ever since.
So they're part of his master's mind.
And so because of that, she said, they've got special seating and because her husband's
going to be doing it, um, during that time, he's just helping out just because they, they
needed like someone to like head it up, even though he doesn't work for him.
And they're like, Hey, would you help provide continuity?
to the department.
So anyway, so he's going to help with the event.
So she invited me to sit with her in his seat.
So I'll have whatever seat that that is, I don't know.
But anyway, so I'll get to sit with her,
which will be fun to have a friend to be with
because otherwise I was going to sit by myself.
Yeah, so I'm really, really excited.
So anyway, and I've been wanting to do a 100X conference
for a long time and my goodness, right?
When I moved to Dallas, here's one in person
and you gift it to me.
I'm like, oh my word, Lord, I should go.
I'm very excited.
Yeah, I'm like, smack your name on it.
I'm like, I'm on his site right now, just trying to say.
Yeah, well, I'm so excited.
It's going to be amazing.
It's going to be-
Yeah, like I said, such a gift to me.
So thank you very, very much.
Of course.
Yeah.
I hope we're going to have an amazing time.
Yes.
So anything else before we go?
No, I think this is perfect.
So is there, so now we're done with obviously
the rest intensive and like all of this,
is there anything happening now or no?
Like, am I going to do something else?
Or is there, yeah, you had mentioned,
was it like, cause I'm like, I forget what it was.
Is there like, was there another one
of the transformation sessions or is there like,
yeah, there, okay.
Yeah, there's another one.
And I believe you signed up early enough
to get one of the personal ministry sessions, right?
Oh yeah, yeah.
I think I signed up for whatever date, yeah.
Okay, so I think that, yeah,
I think that you had signed up early enough
that you've got one of those as well.
So you'll have one of those.
So we'll schedule those, we'll schedule those too.
In fact, I was trying to look at dates today
of like which went, oh, in fact, I already did.
So yes, you can go to the transfer
and you can go, you know, where you signed up for this one.
Oh no, you didn't because we did it all.
It was like, I couldn't figure out where it was
or that's when I got kicked out
and then I had to re-sign in with my email thing.
And so then it looked different
and then I couldn't find out where it was.
So that's why I was like.
Okay.
All on everything.
I was like, oh, yeah, but yeah.
Go to the same link that you went to schedule this one,
go to that same one and you'll see
that there are times open for the 18th and the 19th.
So pick a day, you know, that's good for you.
And I did it at like all different times of that day
so that it should work for both y'all
and for the nationals, like multiple time zones.
So I should do that on the email
or should I do it on the rest?
Oh, just go to the Facebook Messenger,
to the link on the Facebook Messenger chat
that you and I did.
And then that link, you know, same link.
I just updated the dates.
Okay, perfect.
Okay.
I will get on Pedro and send you.
Okay.
Thank you so much, Annette.
I really appreciate it.
I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow.
Okay.
Bye.
Good to see you.
Bye.