You're on mute.
Oh, still can't hear you that's so weird.
It doesn't say you're on mute but I can't hear you.
The mic is on or your boss. Oh.
Okay.
Well, so it says you're connected to audio I still can't hear you. Oh now it says you're muted. Okay, you are muted now. So you are connected, but you're muted.
There we go.
I couldn't hear you either so I was like, Oh, what's going on.
Hey, how's it going.
But today I'm on phone because my computer decided to not work so you know, but, yeah, I know what that's like. Yeah, we live in a technological world so we have worlds of opportunities.
That's right.
So I was actually able to join us today which was exciting because I wasn't, we weren't sure if it would work out with this schedule he's going to be traveling, and this week and so because of all of that that kind of like effects everything and, but he
was available so the thing is that we were talking about what it is that we were going to do.
So we just, so we basically decided to just leave it up to you. You could, because I think that you had said that there were things will normally that you know you talked about in the transformation session you have questions about stuff I think you and I talked
about some of the things that had that you and you were not and I've been talking about that. Yeah, we're not it really like helped.
And, like, I realized certain things that she was thinking and then therefore that was not allowing her to get breakthrough so I kind of helped her like re understand what I was saying, and so we talked about you and I talking about some of that.
And then there's also this step that and that Ed had been thinking of of like, Hey, yeah, that we could press into if you would like so we just wanted to leave it up to you.
What would you like to do, or to start with, and I'm not going to be offended one way or the other. I just, oh no, but yeah no I think that's available for you.
So I'm thinking let's do that. Yeah.
That's great. Yeah.
Because we had talked about that before and you know when, when the stars align and everything works out. There's a reason.
That's right, exactly.
Okay, so if I remember.
I had mentioned something about feeling like there were some things maybe with your parental relationships maybe with your dad.
You know, and I had a sense about some things with your dad.
But I wanted to kind of ask about your relationship with your parents, maybe your childhood and, and then specifically kind of like what your relationship with your dad was like and how did things
end with you guys I just kind of can be a morbid way of saying it but how did things end with you guys.
And where you're at with it.
My sense is there's some unresolved things in your heart there.
Yeah, that's the thing I that was all my heart of feeling like the Lord wanted to deal with today and know that when I go into this place to talk about these things.
There's a natural tendency for people to want to cover their, their families, or, or they'll say well my relationship is good now.
But, you know, I don't know, maybe their, their father was an alcoholic the first 20 years of their life.
And so the damage.
So because their relationship now is good. They think that the damage that was done for that first 20 years is also good. And it's not right. So, people, when I go to talk about these things.
It's not going. The intent isn't in any way to dishonor your family. Right. And it's a place for you to talk and to get unburdened before God for those things and it doesn't dishonor the memory of your father or your, or two, or whatever, right
this is this is this is you being honest and authentic with your own heart, and all of that you got me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Loud and clear. Yeah, no yeah and that's real I mean that has been a struggle before and I mean it's always.
I feel like that's always delicate you know with when there are stuff you know because you're supposed to.
another lady with that. Oh, yeah. When it came to like,
well, how do I honor him at the same time as speaking the truth
and love covers a multitude of sin because you know, it's like,
I don't know how to do that. You know? So So yeah, it's it's
real. But yeah, I'll try to do like a brief thing. So my
parents, I grew up so my mom was actually married before she met
my dad. So she had two sons from before. Um, and from what like,
so originally, I don't think my dad really wanted them to come
live with them. So they stayed with their dad. And then he
married my mom. And they had me and my sister. Well, before I
think before I was born, they Well, yeah, definitely before I
was born, my not my oldest brother, but like my second
oldest brother came to live with us because he wasn't being well
taken care of. So um, so the brothers were kind of split. So
my oldest brother grew up with his dad. And then the other
brother grew up with me and my sister and our parent like my
mom and my dad. Um, and it was like, so my dad, my dad had a
lot of great qualities, you know, amazing businessman, all
of these things. So working constantly, but I mean, he
would always come home. Um, so I think there was there was always
a lot of stuff because there was a very, I come from a small
town. So I don't know if you're from like big towns or whatever.
But I'm from a small town where people kind of knew each other.
And everybody kind of knew who my dad was. And so there was
this, I felt like this expectation of, and it wasn't
even an expectation is how we lived is like, you know, you
sweep everything under the rug, and everything's perfect, you
know, and like all of this. So I've always grew up with a very
you can't say spotlight, but I sense will kind of like feel like
I would feel like I was under a spotlight, like, oh, everybody
has this expectation of what my life looks like, you know, and
it's like, oh, your dad has this money. So then you know,
like, you can just like point it out at anything, and you just
get it, you know, and I'm like, maybe that's your reality of
like, how you see my life. That's not my reality. Like, I
have to like work at home, I have to like do all these
things. And there was always a lot of fighting. So I think when
I've been reading about it in hindsight, like, a lot of
narcissistic tendencies, if not, like, I can't diagnose people,
you know, and but but yeah, checking all the like, I spoke
to a psychologist after he passed away. And he's also like,
I can't diagnose, but I can read up like, some traits. And he's
like, does any of this, you know, sound familiar? And I was
like, Yes, I can check all those boxes, you know, so there's
always, so that's been the tension. And I think one of my
which, like, so one of my powerful memories, I think that
I've kind of gone through, I mean, because there, these are
so many layers. But it's, like, I, when I look back at my
childhood, I think I had a good childhood, I was happy, I was
given a lot of opportunities, I felt like my both my parents
were there for me. And I felt very loved, I was bullied, like
they would sit down with me and talk through strategy. So I
always felt like they were there, you know. But at the
same time, my mom would also run away and like, knock on the
window, like, Oh, my gosh, you know, like, I can't sleep home
tonight. So I'm gonna like, peace out and like, go sleep at
my sister's house, because they had been fighting. And my dad
had a massive rage problem, you know, so he would be mad. Yeah.
And he would like, he could threaten to like, kill himself.
He was never abusive with me and my sister, like physically, but
like verbally, you know? Yes. So it's been like, but to me, that
was kind of like the normal. So I didn't, you know, you just
like learn these strategies of how you like, Oh, I have to
like, don't say this don't you love you learn to dodge a lot
of bullets to kind of like, try to keep the peace. But yeah,
yeah. And he was always like the life of the party to set like,
if I had a party, like all my friends would go up and party
with him because he was like a fun guy, you know, so it wasn't
like this horrible person. But I think if we and my mom was stay
at home, so she was always like very hands on and like helping
with everything.
And I think if we fast forward to like 10, 11 years ago
when I called off my wedding,
the next year my parents divorced and that was quite,
so I mean, my mom has been living in this like
unstable relationship, you know, her entire life.
And I was scared a lot when they would go on travels
because I was like, is, you know,
is everything going to be okay?
Is it like, I never knew.
One time when I was young, I remember,
I think we're in Bulgaria or something like this.
He had been drinking a lot and, you know,
he was like walking behind us.
My mom was trying to take us to the hotel
and he was like yelling and doing all of this.
We came to the hotel and I remember he took like
all the passports and he's like, I'm going to go home
and you all have to stay here, you know,
and then you're scared.
I was like in preschool, you know,
you don't want to stay in like a different country.
But then I remember going out and this is like a really,
which I think makes sense to me
why I was the only one who had contact with him
like the last 11 years.
But I saw him sitting out there and he had been drinking
and I just looked at him and I don't remember
if I said like, I love you or something,
but I looked at him and I went over and I hugged him
and he just broke down and he was just crying.
And I think in that moment, it's almost like,
I don't know if that was intentionally,
but from that moment, I feel like I've seen him
like God has seen him like a scared little boy.
And I think that's what narcissists as well, you know,
they have some hole, they have some hurt in them,
which they can't deal with.
And so they just like, you know, yeah,
from my limited understanding of how it is.
Anyways, that's the lens I've seen him through.
And yeah, so fast forward,
my mom pretty much finds out
that he has kind of been living a double life.
He's had this other woman in his life.
And when she confronted him, what happened the night
she moved out is that she's like,
if I wouldn't have gotten out, like he would have killed me.
And like, she was really beaten up and like the police came
and they reported it and it was really ugly.
And so she never kind of went back to the house
until this year when we were cleaning out everything.
So it was quite dramatic.
Then like she never moved back.
And so he stayed with him like by himself
in this like big house.
The thing is the woman he was with,
she has always had another family.
So she's always had another cohabitant
that she shares a son with.
So she's my age, you know,
she's like a couple of years older than me.
So she had been apparently telling people
that she was my friend.
I've never seen her before, you know,
but this has been going on for years.
So from that moment,
I'm the only one having contact with him
because none of my, like,
obviously my brothers were like, nope.
My sister also wanted to kind of like protect her kids
because she's like, he's so unstable.
So she would bring them,
like come along like once a year at Christmas
because she knew it was important to me
because I've just like really felt sad for him.
So gradually it just become worse
and he started like drinking more and more and more.
So the last two years he was an alcoholic full blown,
I would say, you know, but he kind of like,
and then he got like alcohol dementia.
And this is where we're now in this,
where we've, what's it called?
I don't know what it's called in English,
but we've organized like for the past year,
it's like all these legal documents
because basically what they've been able to document
is that she has kind of been tapping him
for $1 million in the past two years.
So that's a lot of money.
And basically this is like very outside of his way of
acting, like that's never been in his nature, you know?
And it's so, it's very,
and I'm like, God, it's your money anyways.
But it's like, it's been,
I think a part of my thing has always been,
even now, like people will be like, oh yeah,
but now you have all this money.
And it's like, well, yeah, we sold the house,
but actually everything we sold the house for,
we have to pay taxes.
It goes into taxes for the money
that she has taken out of his company.
Cause you know, we have this tax system in Norway.
So it's like, it's, it's a big old mess. But yeah, it's been
years of trying to just like reconcile and being okay, like,
a lot of time, I had to be like, come to terms with, okay, my
identity is not in who people see me as and, and I don't have
to live up to their expectations of what they think my life is. I
don't know if that's completely resolved yet. But that's been a
massive thing. And this also like trying to cover up like,
who he was, or like focusing on what was good. Yeah, I mean,
it's, it's definitely complicated. I had a so so
towards the end, what was really bad is that she was kind of able
to put this wedge between me and my dad, because I wouldn't, I
think she was kind of hoping that I can't know this, but what
it looks like from how she's been operating, I think she kind
of wanted me to just like never like to just give up also, but I
would just always be there. So then she found other ways to
like make herself be signed up as like the next of kin so that
I wouldn't be given any information about his health. I
wanted him to maybe go live somewhere else where he would be
helped, you know, like, so there was a lot of I think, what I
feared has now been confirmed, you know, that he was sitting by
himself a lot. He made up this, like, story that she would come
celebrate Christmas with him. And like, it was all in his
mind, you know, and it's like, it wasn't in his mind. But I
think she would be like, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be there. And
then she would just never be there. And then he would drink
again. And it was just like this bad thing. So what ended up
happening is it's really, I was in London with my one of my
friends, and we had a great prayer session. And then she was
like, Annette, it's like, I see you've been standing in the gap
for your dad, like holding your hands like this out. And it's
like, God is saying, you can let go now. Like, it's okay. Like,
it's you don't have to. And she's like, not like you've been
standing there by yourself, because God has been there with
you. But she's like, whatever it is you were standing in the gap
for like, it's over. And it's like, I could feel it. I was
like, Oh, it's like this weight came off of me. And I was like,
Yeah, I think it's over. Whatever that was. And that was
before Christmas. And then a lot of things happened anyways, how
he ended up dying is that he fell on the floor and this woman
was there. She called 911. So they came and they took him in
the ambulance to the hospital. She then went in and logged into
his accounts and transferred money. So this is like, after he
was declared brain dead. So I'm like, I don't know how people
become like this. I'm like, I don't understand her way of but
it's Yeah. Anyways, he was taken to the hospital, then I was
called and they said his brain had been removed, like, no had
moved two centimeters. I don't know how much that is an
inches. But it's I mean, it's a lot though. And he was declared
brain dead. And there wasn't really anything they could do.
They said we can operate, there's a 5% chance of him
living. But if he lives, he'll be in a bit like in a vegetative
state, like, yeah. And so they're like, we've just decided
we're not going to do that. So that it was good to not have to
have that choice. So then I sat with him for 16 hours. And I was
just like, had worship music on and I was just holding his hand
and I was just praying and just sitting there and they rolled up
a bed because they didn't know how long things would take. So
he was breathing quite heavily. And I remember part of me was
just like as I was so tired, too. And I was like, Oh, Jesus,
just like help him breathe. Like I need to like sleep also. And
and then it was this beautiful. So I was reminded of when I was
a little girl, and I would fall asleep in their bed. And then my
dad would pick me up and like carry me down to my bed. And
then I was reminded of that. And then the image shifted and I
could visibly see like Jesus picking him up and carrying him.
And he just and and at that point, he like sat up in the
bed. So I thought, Oh my gosh, like he's gonna, you know, come
back to life or something. But I think that's just like death
spasms or something like this. So I like, jumped up and tried to
get somebody and then went back into the room and like rang the
alarm and he took like two more breaths and then he passed out.
And then I was like, Oh my gosh, he's gonna, you know, come back
away so I feel like it was a really good ending like I was glad I was there I had a peaceful
to life or something. But I think that's just like, death
ending and at that moment I felt like I did everything I could like that was the sense I
had I was like I did everything I could have done um but then you start second guessing after and I
mean during this time I've been speaking to somebody where I've been like I don't know
how to like yeah cover him how to like love him how to honor him how to like because it was like
massive rejection all the time like he would every time I wanted to come over it's like no no no no
not every time but a lot so yeah so I mean there are and that that's what I've been talking to
Ashley about before it's like oh I felt like this whole like struggle with my weight has always been
tied to my dad because there's something like there's just something that I can't like let go
there's something that I'm yeah so so I know even though I can feel like oh I'm fine like I've worked
through it's like no my body is telling me that there's something I'm holding on to there's
something that's unresolved but I don't really necessarily know what that is um I could like
listen to Christina Aguilera's uh Hurt I think it's called Hurt or something I think she sings
to I don't know if it's to her dad or something but anyway it's about regrets and like not you
know like hurting yourself by hurting them and like I don't know if you're familiar with the
lyrics but yeah I could like break down and cry listening to that one and I'm like oh because
there are so many things I wish I could have done but then dealing with people who have
drinking problems or anything it's kind of like watching them standing in a burning house and
saying hey here's a ladder you know like climb out and they're like nope and it's really hard
yeah but yeah so thanks for sharing you know yeah um I know that there's a probably a whole
nother level of complexity with your mom but your dad seemed to focus uh not that your mom's not
important at all um I uh now I have one other question that's just uh I mean I think
actually I'm going to ask you that it's nothing to do with your dad but is there ever any abuse of
any kind in your childhood no not that I'm aware of like so I'm gonna go with no yeah
it's been asked a lot so it's a fair question but I'm like I'm like no not I yeah no no I mean
I kind of thought the answer was I figured I would I would yeah so so this is where this is
what I felt like um now this is like there was a ministry I worked oh I didn't work for a ministry
that I was a part of uh called Christian Healing Ministries and uh it was started by Francis and
Judith McNutt and a fabulous place and they had a couple of things they did there that I haven't
seen anybody else do there were like the weirdest coolest things I've ever seen they were weird and
awesome at the same time and uh one of them uh was the conception of birth prayer which is that even
in um science is proving that the things that happen to you during when you're in utero affect
you for your whole life so spiritually speaking a lot of people that suffer rejection through their
whole life it comes from the time when they're in the womb that's one thing right people if you
don't have any grid for it they're just like what do you what do you mean you're gonna pray for me
when I was in my mother's stomach like and all that this is so weird right then the other thing
released was this thing called mother father's blessing and uh the way this would function um
like say if you went there for a service or something is um there are certain roles and
responsibilities uh aspects of God you know God the Father is the perfect mother and the perfect
father and no matter how great our parents are they fall short and so there are aspects of the
mother that supposed to kind of teach and to protect in her own way uh and to nurture is the big
big one the mothers are to nurture their children and the fathers are supposed to protect and call
them into identity they're supposed to call them into life and whether things were done to us
uh that whole trauma I think we talked about trauma a trauma b when we were on last time
you know one being the things that happened to you that's the one everybody thinks of was trauma
and then the other is the things that were meant to have happened to you that never did
so there's a lot and that's the harder one to to to heal and that's most there's a lot of people
there's
things their parents did to them that should never have happened.
But also there are the things that they were supposed to receive
from their parents that they didn't.
So, um, so for instance, a lot of, this is a very touchy subject.
I'm going to talk about it anyway, even though I don't know where
Norway stands on all of this stuff.
Right.
But a lot of the foundation for sexual dysfunction or confusion.
Or same sex attraction, all that kind of stuff sometimes can be rooted in these
foundational relationships of the things that they were supposed to get or not
supposed to get and things to happen to you in early childhood.
Okay.
All that being said, if you came to one of these services, uh, what would happen
is, uh, you know, there's a prayer.
Just kind of a can prayer that's read over everyone, or it would be read over
and, uh, then there would be mothers and there would be the father that would do
it, a representational father, a representational mother, then there would
be, uh, and we would call it, um, we, this, we, we would call this a hug.
Okay.
But basically there would be mothers and fathers set up around the room.
Used to be mothers and then fathers, but in this case, we're
going to think of father, right?
And then the opportunity would come and they would be playing all of the
soaking music that pugs on your emotions and everything.
Right.
And you would come up and have the opportunity to talk to your father and
this surrogate father, uh, standing in for your dad would allow you to be able
to tell your father everything that you needed to tell him that you never could
tell him now, whether that it's because it would hurt him because he was too angry.
Because he passed away or whatever.
It would allow you to be able to say everything needs to be said.
And then, then that surrogate father or mother would then tell you, uh, under
the, under the guidance of the Holy spirit, everything that the Lord felt
like you needed to know either on behalf of your earthly father or your heavenly
father.
And that's what I felt like it was.
That's where I was left in my heart.
When we left last time, the father's blessing, not to the
mother's blessing is not needed.
Yeah.
Right.
But I felt like, you know, I didn't know the story.
I felt like there were unresolved things that you had with your dad to be dealt
with and just put the bed in a way.
It wasn't like there were awful, terrible things, but they were
resolved things, uh, in your own heart.
That makes sense.
I know this is very strange, right?
And you're going to hear many times.
Like, I know I'm not your father and I probably don't
look anything like him.
Okay.
Uh, I had one of Ashley's folks say like, well, you kind of look
like some, you're an old white guy.
I was like, I'm an old white guy.
I've never said she's like, I'm so sorry.
But, uh, does this sound like something you'd be willing to do?
I don't know.
We can't hug, but it's something that I have done.
I did many, many times.
And I had to rely very heavily upon the Lord, um, because I'm
not a father in the natural.
And I had at the time I wasn't married and, you know, and I would just say, Lord,
you have to give me your heart for this person.
Uh, and sometimes all I would do is cry with them, you know?
I mean, so, uh, not going to force anything upon you, but does this sound
like something you would be willing to try?
Yeah, absolutely.
Um, I had a psychologist before and he asked me to like write a letter to my
dad and I was like, Oh, I should do that.
And I haven't done it.
Cause it's like, I'm very willing.
I just don't really know.
I don't know what I need to say.
You know what I mean?
If that makes sense.
It's like, Oh, I don't even know where to like, yeah.
Yeah.
Poetic, right?
Like everyone needs to be saying, and I've had people and I'm
like, you're not going to shock me.
You're not going to embarrass me.
You're not going to offend me.
You know, I've had people say, how could you, you know, the first time I had to do
it, this woman walked up and she took one look at me and she goes, I want you to
know, this makes me very uncomfortable.
And I thought, Oh, me too.
But I'm going to do it anyway.
But everybody has mother, father stuff.
Yeah.
And, and sometimes people are just like, I just want you to know that.
I miss you.
I could talk to you, you know, or you SOB, you know, you know, you weren't,
you were never there or how could you let this happen?
Or you didn't protect me or it it's whatever it is.
And, but you're going to be led by the Holy spirit.
And this was where this was, uh, it was like kind of out here.
Like it was in the back of my mind that was there.
And that's why I felt like it's important enough that I, I
wouldn't need to come back and do it.
Is that okay?
Yeah.
He's watched multiple people in the, in the rest intensive, in the past
rest intensive through it.
And they, they weren't expecting it because they just on a personal
ministry call and they're like, okay, I don't know what all this is about.
And then the father stuff ended up coming up all the things
they wanted to talk about.
They're like, well, you know, there's all of this.
And then I heard from them afterwards and not only was stuff
broken off of them majorly.
Like, but I mean, these people are like multiple decades into
like father wounds and whatever.
And they've been living their whole life under that with all of the
destruction that had been created within them of the lack because of
things that were done to them or whatever.
So not only were they getting breakthroughs and they, and it was
changing their relationship with their father, if their father was still
around, but also they were, they were feeling so different that they had
to go and start telling everybody.
They're like, oh my word.
I was walked through, you know, this thing of healing with my father
and it has majorly changed my life.
So anyway, just as you encouraged me, I loaded all this I've done.
And, you know, I've even done the mother thing with, um, you know, walk
people through his mother, uh, the mother prayer anyway, go ahead.
All right.
Oh, get up.
God, I get front and center.
So I feel like I'm looking at you.
Yeah.
All right.
Um, um, so, um, we have a little more light in here, sweetie.
Um, so I've already kind of walked you through what this is going to be.
Okay.
And I'm going to, uh, just hit the no, no, no, no, no, no.
The little light.
Yeah.
There we go.
And, um, let there be light.
Uh, so I'm just gonna, you know, I'll pray and then I'm just
going to read this over you.
Okay.
And then in the end, there's one other prayer.
I just throw in for good measure called the, uh, slumbering spirit, you know,
prayer, um, and then, then we'll open up a time and you have nothing to say.
You don't say anything.
I think you probably will.
Um, and, uh, and I, and it's okay if this is, you know, NC 17, you know,
this doesn't have to be PG PG 13.
If you need to unload, then I don't think you do.
Okay.
But then just do it.
Yeah.
And it's not going to, you can, you're not going to offend me.
Okay.
Yeah, no, no.
Yeah.
Just let, just let it go.
You know?
Yeah.
I think that it's a terrible analogy.
Okay.
So sorry, but it's like my mind it's it's popping a bit, right?
I feel like, I feel like this is something that's been coming for a while and it's
time to pop this thing and get past it.
Yeah.
Makes sense.
Okay.
Um, so I'm going to pray quickly and then I'll read this over, uh, wrote this over
you.
So father, I thank you Lord for our fathers and our mothers.
I thank you that you are our father in heaven, the perfect father, the perfect
mother, and no matter how good or how poor our parents were, we know they're
going to fall short of you.
Just as if we're blessed enough to have our own children, then we ourselves are
not going to be perfect and praise God that we have you.
And so I pray Lord that you would give us grace.
I pray for the Holy spirit.
Um, to, to move over there.
Um, and that, um, that, uh, you would help us Lord to be able to, um, to connect
with you, the father, your heart would be present that you would make it known.
Um, the things that you want to touch and that you would move upon a net Lord to
let her know, uh, to, that you are the one that's leading and guiding these
things, that this isn't something that she has to will herself through, that
this is something that you've put your finger on and that you want to, to deal
with in her so that she can be more free and to be able to connect with you in a
new and different way than Jesus name.
Okay.
and close your eyes and get pretty, get comfy, okay?
And I'm gonna read this over you, okay?
Yep.
A father's role is to protect, to provide, to bless,
and to establish his children's identity.
Maybe your father did that for you, maybe he didn't.
Perhaps he abandoned you or abused you sexually,
physically, verbally, or emotionally.
Maybe he dined before you were ready
or left you for some other reason.
Maybe he made you his pet, delighting in you so much
that you haven't been able to break away
to be your own person.
Perhaps he was distant, removed,
and showed no interest in you,
or he terrified you with his anger and rage.
Perhaps he made you the scapegoat for all his troubles
so that you suffered for things other people did to him.
Perhaps he blamed you for things
that were not your fault at all.
Maybe he worked so much or played too hard
and never spent time with you, missed your ball games,
your dance recitals, and your spelling bees.
Maybe he spent too much time with you,
forcing you to become the athlete or student
or doctor or lawyer you never wanted to be.
Perhaps he left you in the care of hurtful, dangerous people.
Maybe he didn't see or believe you
when you went to him for help.
Perhaps he was just too preoccupied with himself
to see anything you wanted or needed then.
I really don't know.
If you're willing to hear the words
of a broken father speaking to you,
please close your eyes for a minute.
I realize that I'm not your father,
but please allow me to stand in for him.
And in the place of your father,
who may or may not have said any of these things,
please allow yourself to hear these words.
I ask your heavenly father to richly bless you
in all the places I failed to bless you.
I ask the Lord Jesus Christ
by the power of his cross and blood
to set you free now from any harsh or cruel words
that I said, especially the ones you keep remembering
over and over.
I am so, so sorry.
I ask the Lord to set you free
from heart injuries you sustained from me
or from others whose care I placed you in.
I ask the Holy Spirit to set you free
from heartache, disappointment, dread, grief,
or rage you cannot resolve.
And I am so sorry for any other struggles
I may have caused you.
May you be healed from being ignored by me
or overindulged by me.
If I ever made you feel less than or not good enough,
I am deeply sorry and ask you to please forgive me.
May the Lord set you free
from working so hard to please me when nothing ever would.
May the Lord set you free
from trying to get from me what I never had to give you.
I am so sorry.
May the Lord set you free
from blaming me for failing you,
not because I need that,
but so that you can be free to grow,
to receive, to achieve,
and to be creative in ways you have not yet imagined.
May the Lord give you all the things I was unable
or unwilling to give you.
May the Lord guide you in ways I never could
and grant you peace.
May the Lord free you from the effects of my addictions,
my anxieties, and my anger.
May the Lord free you from feeling
that you have to always be perfect
or that you have to be what I expected you to be.
I pray that God will help you to see
that the hurt and pain I caused you
came from my own childhood.
It limited me.
I am so sorry if it has limited you.
I pray that God will remove from you
any belief that you were not wanted or loved.
I pray that you have no doubt
that you are the gender you were supposed to be.
I pray that the Lord will release you
from any unhealthy bond that you may have had with me.
I want you to keep all the good that came from me
and give the garbage to God.
My beloved daughter, I love you.
I am so proud of you.
I'm so glad you were born.
Take flight, my love, and soar into the heights of God,
God's destiny for you.
you fly free and live.
So Annette, I know.
I know I don't look like your dad.
Yeah.
But I feel the Father's love for you today.
And if you'll let me stand in for your dad.
I offer you the opportunity to come and tell me anything or everything
that you need to say.
That you never could or that maybe I never heard.
Wow.
Well, first of all, I thank you for being the best father you knew how
to be with what you had.
And I'm sorry that you had so much pain in your own childhood, but I
just wish that you could have talked about it and not.
I expressed it through just anger and rejection and
like I
know you left me.
But many times, yeah, I didn't even know before you said that.
Many times.
There was still some underlying things maybe thinking you wanted
both me and my sister to be boys because that was higher value in
your own parents like especially your dad.
And there were just
so many times I was scared and I didn't know what I had done wrong
and I don't know.
I just I wish you would have invited me more into your business
and what you did like I'm so thankful for all the help you've
given me and I'm like I miss that.
I miss being able to call and be like, hey, can you come help me
build a porch?
And I wish I didn't have to see you just degrade and drink your
life away and make bad decisions.
Um, and I'm really sorry.
I couldn't help you more than I did, but I tried my best.
And I just hope like, you know how much you were loved especially
by me.
Yeah, and I forgive you for like all the hurtful things you've
said which were a lot.
Saying you would like always threatened to
cut me out of the will or that I was like the spawn of devil the
devil or that I
was horrible and just a nuisance or that.
Oh,
yeah, I didn't know how to do anything or that.
I was just fat or that.
Yeah, even
I forgive you for actually telling my ex-fiancé
that
that you were thanking him that somebody wanted your daughter.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I don't think you meant it like that, but it was still
very hurtful.
Yeah.
And
yeah.
I wish you would have trusted me more to like teach me about
business.
Like I'm just
even now I have all this stuff to like go through and and
learn and I have no idea how to do it.
And I just really want to make you proud and be able to take what you left me and multiply
it and make it into something great and not, yeah, and not just spoil it away or do something
like, yeah, even though I know it's God's, like it's all God's, but yeah, I would love to know
how to steward in a good way and I wish, I wish I would have, I don't know if you even learned that
from your parents, but I wish you would have taught me even if you were scared of not knowing
or scared of like, yeah, I think you didn't even know what you were doing and so you couldn't
necessarily teach it, but I wish you would have tried to teach me what you knew. But I thank you
for still being there doing a lot of great things and protecting me where you could and for
providing a good childhood and for providing me with like things that I needed and I genuinely
think you wanted the best for me and just didn't really know how to do it all the time.
Yeah. Thank you for telling me you loved me though and
for helping me and providing and
yeah.
And I'm
and I'm sorry that I missed out on a lot of times with you the last years, but I was also scared
of like going away alone with you because I didn't know if you would be angry or if it
would be a good time and I know there's a lot of potential great memories that could have been made
but I also had to protect myself.
Yeah. I just wish things would have been differently and different and I
I hurt myself too by hurting you and I'm sorry. I just wish things would have been
different, but I really hope you are in a better place right now and
and I hope I can continue to carry like the good things of your legacy here and that I can maybe
make you proud and I don't know help restore your name in some way.
Yeah.
Yeah. I think that's it.
My beloved daughter.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for the things that I did.
I remember the day that I found out that your mom was pregnant
and I was so excited and so frightened at the same time because I knew how messed up I was
that I never ever wanted my baggage to become yours. I'm so sorry that I never found the ways
to communicate my love for you in a pure way that you could understand and that one of my
primary jobs was to protect you and I never knew that the one or how to protect you from myself.
I was so broken. There were things that I wanted to give you and I just didn't know how.
I didn't have the capacity but that's no excuse. There are things that you deserve to have.
My beautiful daughter. You are amazing and I love you so much and it breaks my heart
to seeing the damage that my life has had and played as you've grown up. As a father
I wanted you to know how amazing and how special how wonderful.
and what a gift you are, and to call the life
all of the amazing things that God has brought into you
to birth into this life.
And I failed, I failed.
There are things that you needed to hear from me
that you never did.
And one of the ways to protect you
is to create a safe place, a stable place.
I'm so sorry that you had to learn
to protect yourself, including from me,
that you have not known peace in a stable way
your whole life because of my own chaos,
fighting my own demons, so to speak.
I just didn't know any better.
And I, my best just wasn't good enough.
I'm sorry, I didn't have the courage to face my own stuff.
My beautiful daughter, I ask you please to forgive me
for all the things that I've done to you.
And for all of the things that I didn't do,
will you please forgive me?
Yeah, I forgive you.
I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna pray for you.
So father, I pray for my daughter.
With all of my heart, I pray for my daughter today.
And I bless her Lord with everything
that she needs to have from me
that I was unable to give her.
I ask God that you would help her in her heart
to receive the fullness of the beauty
that exists in her life that she cannot receive.
I ask that for every place that she's had
to learn to protect herself,
where I was supposed to protect her,
that you would come and be the protection
and remove all the barriers that she's had to put in place
to keep other people away.
That you would come into the deepest places of her
to give her the overwhelming approval
that she needed to have from me that she never did.
I'm so glad that you gave me a daughter.
And whether I wanted a son or whether I didn't,
she is the gift to the world
and the gift that you've given to me.
And I pray right now, Lord,
that you would bless her sexual identity,
that you would bless her as a woman
and that Lord, anything that she scorned of herself
and of her femininity in a way to try to please me
or that she didn't feel was valued that today,
that you would strip away and you would reinforce,
you remove away the things that are not true.
You would reinforce the things that are
and that Lord, that today that she be celebrated
for all of that she is.
I ask you to fill in all of the protection,
the safety and the security.
I pray right now that you would call forth her identity
in a fuller way than she's ever had in her entire life.
I pray that you would come and father her
and give her the nurturing and the affirmation.
And that Lord, most of all,
that you would take all of the things
that were in my heart towards her
that I just couldn't find a way to give,
that you would impart it to her today
and that it's not her fault.
And that Lord, every place you had to grow up too soon,
that little girl,
that Lord, that you would give her her childhood back,
the child likeness, Lord God,
that Lord, any of the self-destructive cycles
and things that exist in her life
because it came out of my own chaos
that you would strip it away today,
that Lord, you would give her all of the love
that she needed to receive from me that she didn't.
Every tank, every place of the things
that she needed to hear, that she never heard,
that she would be deluged by those things from you today,
that you would set her free from all of my garbage.
Lord, I break the power of all the nasty, heavy things
that I've said over her that she never needed to hear,
that you posed to salve the spirit of her eyes
for all the things that she saw that she never should've.
And most of all, Lord, forgive me for every place
that I have affected her view of you, Father.
That you would rewrite what a father is for her to receive and be able to come boldly
before you and receive from you the father in perfection that you are.
And today that she would be affirmed to call forth her identity, that she is 100% loved.
She's received.
She's worthy.
She has to do another thing.
She is my daughter.
I am well pleased.
I am loved.
I love her.
And it's from your heaven father's perspective, I call you beautiful.
You are loved.
You are wanted.
You are desired.
I remember you before the foundations of the earth.
I was there out of the depths of my heart to call you to life.
I was there during the day that all of heaven celebrated when you were conceived and you
were transitioning from the realm of heaven into this earth.
I celebrate and I bless all of the wonderment that I've placed inside of your life.
All of the mysteries that you carry and that are yet to be unfolded before you.
And I speak beauty, strength, love.
And I bless you as a woman.
I bless you as a daughter.
I bless you as a mother.
I bless you.
And I've released you today into the fullness of who you're called to be that my door is
always open.
And I bless your heart and every door to be open today, to receive more of my love
so that you can fully embrace yourself and to be back into your earthly dad.
I ask God, Lord, help my daughter to love herself.
That's a big part where I failed.
A lot of the boulders for her to accept and to love herself comes from me.
Don't punish my daughter and have her live under this scourge that has come from myself.
I really didn't like myself very much.
I tried to protect myself from everyone else.
And there are aspects of her that frightened me because I was afraid that she would see
me for who I was, the little boy that was just broken, trying to be a man.
And it's not her fault.
My daughter, it's not your fault.
Please forgive me for all of this stuff.
I want you to be free today to be who you're called to be and not to be hindered by me
anymore.
Thank you.
How you doing?
Teary, yeah, I mean, it's powerful.
Yeah, I think one, I think, yeah, it feels really good.
I think there's one thing that I thought about where you said to come to, to be
able to come to God and like, like where I maybe haven't, and I think it still
has to do with, like, I think I had mentioned it to Ashley after you had
left the last time where I was like, such an amazing word you gave, and then
I'm like, I think I see God as I see my death there where I'm like, Oh, I hear
this and I want to believe it, but it's like, but then it can be taken away at
any moment or it's like, it's like, yes, but no, but yes, but no.
And then I'll like, Oh, so probably have some accusations against God
there when it's like, cause there's like a, there's always been that in my
life where it's like, Oh, you have it.
No, you don't like, yes, you can have it, but you can't, you know?
So it's like giving in one hand and taken with another or like hurt and like
hurtful things.
It's like, here you have it, but then I would go to like, word curse you after.
with it, you know what I mean? So it's yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that's what I was thinking about your
childhood when you were talking about it. It's just, you know, you could never, uh, you're,
you lived in a very unpredictable household. You never, and so what you learn in that is you learn
how to be flexible. You learn how to cope, you learn how to be always on the defensive,
and then all of your energy is always going towards you. You learn that your energy is
always going towards, um, just being ready, which doesn't leave you free to be you and to create
because you're always having to react to something unpredictable. And then we,
and then we project that onto God. We don't really expect that he's going to follow through
with what he says, because it all sounds good, but are we meeting him on the right day?
We met him in the right moment. It's like this, the moment, or is this the God's mad at me moment
is this the, Oh shoot, I'm sorry, God, I forgot that I messed up over here. And apparently that's
what you want to focus on because that's what you learn in an unpredictable childhood. So yeah,
that makes sense. Yeah. But I'm going to pray. If I were to pray another thing, it would be Lord that
any model that I placed upon her of what to expect from a man,
from a husband, from a father or a marriage that you would free her from those things and break
the power of that stuff. Those images in Jesus name and the Lord for the stuff that I said to
her ex-fiance, please forgive me. I had no right. You are a treasure beyond measure.
You are a treasure beyond measure. You are a treasure beyond measure. You are a treasure
beyond measure. You are the treasure that is beyond measure.
You are the treasure beyond measure,
treasure beyond measure. Forgive me. And I ask the heavenly father forgive me because that is just
wrong. You measure up every day that you take a breath, every day that you take a breath.
You're worth it. You're worth it all. You have been the greatest blessing to me in my life.
My life would not be at all. It would have been misery without you. You brought so much
sunshine, so much delight. You filled my heart every day. You gave me hope. You gave me purpose
and reason even though I blew it. Even though I blew it.
You're not lesser because you're a woman.
You're not less strong or less worthy at all. And I really pray that a man worthy of you,
a man that is worthy of you, and that can see you for who you are,
to come by. And no one less. Do not settle. Do not settle. You're worthy. You're worth it.
You are so worth it. If I could ask God to do anything, it would be to like give you an
injection and infusion of who you are, including your value.
And that all the structures that sit over your head that came from me
and from our family and from my family, those things to be broken in Jesus name
and dismantled from her, including all the familiar spirits and all the garbage that came
from us. It's interesting when you said that. I was brought to this memory where he was just
sitting there and he was just looking and he's like, I mean, he was drunk. And so he's like,
oh, this one just eats. And no, this one just likes to eat and she's fat. And it's like,
yeah, I don't even know if he was like speaking to himself. You know what I mean?
Like he's always struggled with this. And it's like,
That's just self-protection and those behaviors you learn when you're a kid.
I looked at a woman once and I didn't even see her body.
I saw her with literally like, it looked like a spare tire around her, like a bumper, like bumper cars to protect her from the world.
And I was like, what world is that?
And then I saw her in the natural and it was like, I don't even understand.
And how do you tell a woman what you just saw?
Like a spare tire around her, like a bumper car, you know, you know, and, you know, but we were in ministry together.
And so I said something to her and she was like, and she knew exactly what I was talking about.
I'd never seen that before.
But, you know, if I were you, I don't like to give advice.
Okay.
But I would take God at his word and remove yourself from the equation as to whether or not these things are going to come to pass or not.
Oh, yeah.
And trust, is he really good enough?
And almost like in a challenging way, like, okay, God, I'm going to do this by faith, but you need to show me, you know, I need you to do this for me.
Yeah.
And I can't do it myself.
Yeah, 100% not.
But it's like you're, there are moments I've seen in people's lives and even in my own where I've looked, and there's like a chasm between where I stand and where I feel like I need to be, or where I'm supposed to be, and there's no bridge.
I don't know how to get there.
Yeah.
It's like, and he has to span that gap for me.
And this is one of those days for you.
Yeah.
Everything's changing.
You know, everything's changing. This was a massive. Do you know how courageous, this is for you today.
No.
This took takes amazing courage.
So much strength. Yeah, because it's foundational.
This is an enormous boulder this is the, you know, the mountains they cast into the sea.
And it's not to dishonor your dad or anything. It's just, you're getting free you can celebrate the goodness and be free from from all the gnarly things.
It doesn't mean that things won't still hurt or that you won't think of more things.
And I'm, I'm so sorry, just as a man.
And I'm sorry and I just want to just.
This is very weird okay but I'm gonna do it anyway. I just want to ask you to forgive me as a man.
And as a man that's been that's a leader.
And whether it's been in the church and other ways, or ways in which I or we have treated you.
That isn't commensurate with who you are.
When you've been valued, seen, loved, cherished, celebrated.
When you've been talked down to.
When you've been looked over and dismissed or hurt by the things that we said, or that we've done, whether physically, verbally, or just the things that we didn't do at all.
I ask you to forgive me because that's not what God wants for you.
As your brother that's not what I want for you.
And I'm so sorry.
I'd like to have a clean slate.
Just start afresh with different expectations, and that your history with whether it's your dad, or with the other men or people in this world would not be the predictor of what your, your expectations are set to go forward.
And that God himself can come and be your rabbi and teach you.
So that you can have different expectations.
Thank you. I forgive you.
Well like I said it's the greatest weirdest thing ever.
Like, when you describe it you're like, what, like, you certainly don't look like my dad like my dad was black, and he was six eight.
Oh, and it's folks while he, you know, you don't like him at all.
But I don't know, there's something about it it just works and the Lord really the father is serious about this stuff the Lord.
came. So to reveal the father for this, I came to reveal the
father. Yeah. And so we're to reveal Jesus, then he can reveal
the father. So the father should be revealed through us. Yeah.
You know, and, and we're all in a place of being hostage in a
way to our earthly relationships and stuff that form images and
expectations of who God is, and everything else. It's like, I
was talking to somebody the other day, and he's like, Oh,
he's a person, he really doesn't like the church and blah, blah,
blah. And I said, No, he doesn't have a problem with the church.
He just has a problem with Christians. Yeah. He said, you
know, Christ, I like your but Christians, I do not. Yeah. So
anyway, just believe today, I'm telling you was a big, big, big,
big day for you. And it takes great courage to face and to
admit and to speak out these things, whether you define it
that way or not. But the further along I go on God, the more I
realized that how he measures courage is not the way that we
do as a man. It's like, did I face the bear? Did I walk down
the dark hallway? Did I stand up to the bully? Well, it takes
much great takes much more courage, at least for a man to
be honest and authentic about our stuff. You know, and I
believe that this is a massive shift. For you. This is a this
is a suddenly this is like a it's like tectonic plate
straining, and then bang, you know, and it's gonna make
ripples everywhere.
Yeah, because you've been said that there's something there you
said, you know, like with your weight, and then you've said
there was one other thing, I don't remember what it was, but
you're going, you know, when there's these two things, and
that's not normal. You're like, I think that it's something
that's connected, possibly, you know, you were saying, you know,
possibly with your father, but that you were feeling, you know,
was this, there was some, there was some soulish root. In other
words, seem to put your finger on. And so anyway, very excited
that you had great sight. And like Ed said, great courage to
follow the invitation of the Lord to pursue, okay, God,
really, what is your father's heart? And am I finally, am I
finally willing to choose that you're safe enough for me to be
vulnerable with, you know, face these aspects of myself and
actually receive the healing and, and, you know, face the
part of me that's hurt that believes this about my dad, or
that was heard about this about my dad or whatever. So that's
good. Well, thank you so much for doing this and taking time.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you. You're worth fighting for. Always
remember that. Yes. Thank you.
Yeah, exactly. So you don't always have to be the one to
fight for yourself. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, no. And it was interesting what what Ed had said the last
time with like, oh, there's I feel like something between
three to five months or and then you said or three to five years
and I was like, yeah, but I've been feeling like all of this
year, like all of before last year, too. I was like, there's
something about this fall, you know, and I'm like, I don't know
what it is. So we'll see. It is exciting. But then I have
another interview on Thursday. So like, is this me just like,
be I don't know, I don't know, have to be like, God, what, what
is this? I have no idea. I don't know.
Yeah. Yes. Imagine you're like in one of those, I don't know,
fantasy movies, Lord of the Rings, whatever you want to call
it, right. And you've got a voice talking to you mysteriously
saying you're not who you think you are. Yeah. No, you're not
what you think you are. You're more than you imagine you more
than you think, you know, and, you know, there's this, and the
the story goes to reveal that she's a vote of a noble
bloodline. Yeah, long lost heir to the throne of whatever. And
that's the journey you're on of those things being revealed to
you. You're that mythical character in in the story.
Love those story.
No, I read this the last thing I'll say I know we got to go.
But when I started this whole journey, there was a book. I was
invited to this men's group that was going through a book by
John Eldridge, called Awakening, Awaken the Child. And it's a
book about a young man who's in the middle of his life. And it's
a book about a young man who's in the middle of his life. And
dead and awaken the dead.
it's a book about a young man who's in the middle of his life
The first it was in what I realized or not it introduced
all kinds of things that I had no grid for, you know,
spiritual warfare and community inner healing.
He didn't call it inner healing, but that's really what it
was first, but the beginning of it and what really got me
was he spoke of all of these movies that I loved, you know,
some of them were like guy movies gladiator, but it was
like Lord of the Rings and all of this I loved fantasy
literature and he talked about all of these mythical
characters and that these things were important because
they resonate with you for a reason that these mythical
characters reveal an aspect of who you are that the spirit
is witnessing about yourself and even talked about
a small group that they had where they went around and
people said who do they think that they were and who do
they want to be but everybody else in their group had gone
to talk about who they saw them to be and how they saw
themselves wasn't as all how the group saw them and the
person that they hoped that they admired most from these
stories was was the one where those characters were the
types of characters that they saw, you know, and and so
I wouldn't I would pay attention to all this stuff and
I firmly and this is not just my opinion.
I feel it's Lord.
I would firmly expect a quantum shift, but the quantum
shift side of you is in you that's going to shift everything
around you, you know, it's that thing where you know, you
walk in and people like did you do something with your
hair? Did you use glasses?
Did you and like no, but you're just even physically.
I feel like there's going to be a shift and how you look
how you see yourself how people see you and it wouldn't
surprise me if even ailing maladies if you have any health
issues and stuff are going to start to shift is, you know,
you're going to see physical shifts and changes including
with nature.
I believe there's going to be some shifts even where creation
itself is going to start to witness to you and aligned
with how God sees you but as a reminder that the Lord is
kind of it's kind of like when he gave us the rainbow as
a reminder of the covenant that he's going to be things
like that as a reminder of what he's spoken over you that
he hasn't forgotten and those things are still valid and
real and he's going to he's going to uphold them.
So I received that.
Thank you.
Well, I'm I have to go to something else and so we don't
have any more time but I did want to just mention just very
briefly so you can get the majority of this from Renata.
You can ask her.
Hey, what did you and I actually talk about what was helpful
and whatever but the general idea and because I believe
that what you're just like Ed was saying what is going to
get you the greatest break greatest breakthrough and say
for instance, your you know, your health and physically
etc.
It's going to you know, it's been this been releasing of
all of the things that we've just gone through but there's
just some clarification that I wanted to bring of like how
to accept yourself, you know, I've been talking about like
how to love and accept our bodies even if our bodies aren't
looking and in the shape that we're wanting them to be in
like, how do you love and accept yourself?
But at the same time you're just like yeah, but I want to
look different whatever.
Well, what I was explaining to Renata is I said what it is
that you need to do is I said you or what it is that you
are accepting is you are accepting the body and think
of it kind of like an its own entity that has a will as
to whether or not it's going to submit as to whether or
not it trusts you as to whether or not, you know, it's
going to believe that you're safe.
So I mean, yes, the body is an extension of us etc.
But my point is like kind of think of it like that and
and then love that thing not the decisions that it's making
based off.
It's trying to protect itself.
That's why it's holding fat in certain places that we all
don't like and and doing this and it's doing that and then
it's acting out and there's these autoimmune responses
and these allergies and these whatever's it.
So you're not you're not approving of or agreeing with
their the decisions that they're making and why they're
making those decisions.
You're just loving it despite the fact that it makes those
decisions, you know, so that's what it is that you're
expecting because Renato kept getting like, you know,
caught up with like, well, yeah, but I don't like that and
I don't want that.
So she kept thinking.
Oh, I'm supposed to try.
I had to change myself to like that.
And, and I was like, no, no, no, you don't have to like that, you know, but
you have to like the thing that is making the decision where it doesn't think you
are, are safe, it doesn't, it thinks that you're evil and it's trying to do
the right thing by protecting itself.
It's not making the right decision based on the right reason, but that it's trying
to, it thinks it is, so that's what it is.
That we're loving and accepting is the entity or the will that is making the
decision to try to do the right thing and protect you because nobody else is.
So that's kind of like that helped her kind of differentiate what I was talking
about when I said, Hey, you're loving and accepting yourself.
We're like, how do you love and accept yourself?
And with, uh, you know, if I don't like these things, because if I start
like liking these things, which for one thing I don't, but if I start,
they won't ever change.
And I'm like, no, no, no.
That's not the part that you're having to agree with.
That's not the part that you're wanting to feel safe.
That's a, just, you don't have to agree with the body's
decisions and your, and its reasons.
You just need to love it, love it and know that it's trying to do the right thing.
So that helped her.
And so I thought, well, maybe that would help you as well.
It's kind of like, cause you and I've had similar conversations about, yeah,
but it's like a contradiction.
How do I do this?
I think I'm doing it, but I don't think I'm doing it.
Cause I'm not getting a result or whatever, but anyway, so that's
just, just generally what it is.
And so you can ask her if you have any other questions about like, you
know, maybe she can provide more clarification cause we talked about
it a bit longer and she can help like kind of summarize for you.
Oh, this is what helped.
So that was like my thyroid.
It's like attacking me, even though it's like I have hypothyroid, but it's
like, it's attacking me, attacking you too, attacking healthy body.
Yeah.
There's a, there's a, uh, there's a principle we'll call it spiritually
speaking, and I don't want to get in a divergent thing here, but just for
you to think about, uh, where one route, sometimes spiritually speaking
of autoimmune and I was thinking of thyroid is, uh, it's a, it's an aspect
of what you call it, like a death wish.
And it's not necessarily that you're suicidal, but you get into a place
of hopelessness and despair and you, uh, like, I don't, Lord, I
don't care if I wake up anymore.
I wish I were, you know, I wish I were dead.
I wish or whatever the case is.
And it's like, you're, you make an agreement with death and then your
immune system starts to carry that sentence out.
And you can, you can kind of repent from that, you know, realizing it's there
receive healing for whatever was going on in your life in that time.
And then that thing can be broken in that stuff.
Yeah.
So Hashimoto's and all that kind of stuff.
A lot of that stuff is autoimmune.
It's not always, but I've seen a lot of people, uh, healed of those things as a
result of that, of that, that kind of thing.
So, but that's a, that's a whole nother discussion.
That's another.
Oh yeah.
That's interesting.
It was like, my grandfather had it, my mom, my aunt, me.
It's like, yeah, maybe it's yeah.
But I would imagine you've had some low moments in your life.
Hope to first much.
Yes.
There has to be a bigger reason there.
This is no.
What's the point of this?
If this is all there is, I think we'll, we'll, we'll see where things shift, but I
think a bunch of, we're going to shift from this and then, you know, and then
you just kind of walk it out and yeah.
So anyway, well, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing with some strange
bald headed guy that you've never met before.
And, and I always feel very honored by being invited into people's places like
that, especially those intimate places, like the stuff with your dad and everything.
And cause it's just vulnerable and, and stuff.
And it's, it's a scary thing to open yourself up like that, especially to other
people.
And depending on what your background is to have like another, another man that could
hurt you, you know, another, you know, fatherly figure or whatever.
So I really appreciate it.
I thank you.
I always feel honored by the Lord to be involved and to invite it into that.
And I have high, I have high expectation about what the Lord has in store for you
and your life.
And it's not what you're going to do.
It's who you are.
It's who you already are.
It's not at all.
It's not whether you're going to, the businesses that you're going to do or any
of those other things, it's, it's who you are all by yourself.
You are the thing that's worth it.
You're, it's not what you're going to do, you know, you're a human being.
So, you know, and so I just, you know, I just tell you like when I step in that place of the father, it's like, I love you.
Okay.
You know, I love you.
Like a father loves, like, it's like, I just get in tune with that place and you are exceedingly loved.
You are so loved, you know, I just tell you, I love you.
I love you as a sister.
I love you as a, you know, from the, from the heart of the father.
I love you.
I just speak it over you.
And I, I just, I just, I just really want the peace of the Lord to be, to umpire your heart today and you to receive, there's like a, an afterglow to bathe in of that's going to bring healing to you and stuff.
And I just, I pray that not one drop of it be missed.
Amen.
Thank you.
You'll probably sleep really well.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Have a good evening.
When I get this downloaded and then uploaded in the platform, it'll be in your, it'll be in your group with the other transformation session.
Okay.
Hi.
Bye.