I'm going to share my screen.
The benefit of this is that basically it's like your own thing to get to have, you know, all of the questions you know that you want to, you know, squeeze into an hour.
And then so basically it's you know your own private time, and then sometimes people ask me questions during this time that they don't feel comfortable talking about in public, like, I don't know, just different issues that that are going on so anyway.
So, did you so I wanted to make sure to provide everyone with some private time so did you have anything you know how are you doing.
Yeah, um, maybe it's easy because I don't have any specific questions so maybe if I like just kind of, I don't know, share what's going on with.
I don't know.
But, um,
so, yeah.
Well I wanted to have this time because, well, I was like well I know I'm going to meet with we traveled yesterday, and I was like well I wasn't feeling all that great on the, I guess, Friday or whatever.
And so I was like well you know I always am better after so let me just go ahead and do this now earlier in the day and not wait till Monday because I don't think I can go that long.
So, um, it's, it's a little better now but I don't know I guess kind of feel stream of consciousness so work with me please.
So, I think that some of the things it's just,
I guess it's kind of just like with with my husband I love him to death I think he's an exceptional human being in a lot of ways like positively.
And what he's able been able to accomplish, but I feel like sometimes like it's these ebbs and flows like, like we'll have a breakthrough but then, like, we'll enter a different season where it's like I feel like that's kind of like being tested a little
bit. I just want like I feel like there's no because there's little consistency. And I don't know what to expect. And so I don't even know, like, you know, have you ever seen Howard Hughes that aviator movie.
No, I don't think so. No, I don't think I did. No. Well, I just feel like okay so right now he's kind of like he's doing all these things with his office he's excited but it's also stressful I think for him.
And so he has a tendency of just, of just kind of like being, he's like I can only focus on one thing so like now it's like well Timmy, you're not the focus.
I'm just going to focus on work. And then like he's literally he literally said to me like, I have this good work energy right now do you know how hard it is to get to this energy, and I was like well babe I just want like designate 30 minutes to an hour
we can have some body time every day, you put whatever part in the day you want like I feel like I'm a very like flexible person when it comes to him, and a little bit, a lot of inflexibilities come out over the last couple weeks so because I'm just like,
I'm tired of dealing with the drama I've been flexible enough and I'll have to stand up for what I want in this relationship, and what you don't mean.
And so, like, we're not in a bad place it just isn't as in a good place as it was before because he's done this before and so I noticed the patterns and I put him like, babe, last time this year, it was the same thing you were like oh I'm going to build
this website I'm gonna do XYZ and like the stuff he comes up with is like really amazing and like, I think like you were talking about the other day how like God can just speak to people and help them create like he, he explained stuff like he's like
he didn't go to school for programming, like he learned this when he was eight years old or some random at a summer camp like he's just an exceptional human being and so, but I'm like Lord the other side of this exceptional human being though is just like sometimes
I feel like I don't is like, what is it called, um, what's the first phrase, it's like, I forgot the word but anyway it's like these highs and these lows is like an inconsistency like when he's focused on me is like, like you don't it's amazing.
But then now he's like, Okay, well I'm gonna be in this workflow for maybe two, three weeks, I don't know, and I, and he's like, well, basically, I'll, I'll, I'll hang out with you.
No, so everybody, I'm about to sit two or three weeks and wait for you to come out of this workflow for some personal time that's just unacceptable to me, like and I've been and I've done that before, and I felt really like unloved and I tried to tell him this is
like, he acknowledged that he was like, Okay, Tim.
I tried to express it in three times that this wasn't okay each time it didn't go well. It wasn't horrible but it did he didn't really get it. So then he came he sat on the main he's like, Tim, you know what, yeah, we can do this I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it. I will, we can do an hour at least a day he's like, we might need to break it up into 230 minute.
hurt. Okay, Lindsay, that's fine, babe, whatever. But like,
I'm just like he is so he now he's like, Okay, babe, I
relented on this. But my feelings were still hurt. Like I
still felt like it wasn't resolved. Because I'm like, why
should I have to beg my husband to spend personal time with me?
Like, it just makes me feel unloved. You know what I mean?
Like, so it's like, I mean, a week ago, we were on the verge
of divorce. And I was like, enough's enough, you know, two
weeks ago, whatever. And so now it's like, you're like, No,
baby, whatever, basically was the attitude, I'm gonna do
whatever I need to do. And now it's like, two weeks later,
you're on to something different. And I'm just supposed
to sit in the corner and just wait for an hour of your time.
And it's just like, I'm like, Lord, how do I live with this
person who he has wonderful, great qualities, but like,
there's just some inconsistencies in this. Miss
Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, that's the way I was trying to that's the
I feel like it's that sometimes, and I don't and I kind of get
aspects of it because we are similar in the like, I can get
uber focused on something too. Um, in all but not to the same
extent. And yeah, I can so I get some of his some of his quirks.
But some of them I'm just like, it's just unacceptable. And he's
like, well, Tammy, I'm incapable of giving you that when I'm
like, No, boo boo, you are capable. Give me you got to eat
you got to sleep late. Come on. So I'm just like, I feel like he
made so much progress, but I'm like a little afraid just
because it's like, is it gonna stick it I'm tired of fighting
the same battles over and over again. So I'm just like, what
gonna stick is like, like he had like some spiritual way feeling
like I know we both need to grow in that, you know, but it's
like, is like, I don't know, like, is it gonna stick? Is it
gonna be like, okay, I get it. Because I was like, I don't
mind having like, difference of opinions. That's normal. But I'm
not if I tell you something that's not unreasonable, I asked
for something that's not unreasonable. I'm not about to
fight with you, or just put up and shut up like I did before
for three years, like that's just not happening. So I just
want to be loving and Christlike and all of that. But also, it's
like, Lord, I need help with this because like, I can't change
this individual, but I just I feel like it's really, you know,
I just feel hurt by like, the fact that I have to ask for
something so simple. And this is the second go round of, you
know, this is this is a pattern of behavior. So anyway, that's
kind of what I'm dealing with right now. It's really bright
out here.
Yeah. Well, makes you look real pretty and pink. It's real
pretty. It's very cheerful to me. So, well, I'm sorry that
that you're going through all of that. I definitely understand
all of this. We women I know, I definitely understand. I can
relate, you know, in so many ways, just like, oh, just the
things that make us, you know, that we're just like, well, you
know, this is all I'm asking. And it hurts my feelings. And,
you know, I don't feel loved or whatever. One of the things
that that came to mind when you were talking is, you know, men
these days express their masculine drives differently
than they used to. So before they would like they would, and
they would go out and hunt. In other words, it would give them
something to conquer, it would give them something to, to let
themselves know, hey, I can do this. Because, you know, they're
always asking themselves, you know, do I have it in me? Can
can I do this? Can I actually accomplish this? Am I am I this
strong? Am I this, you know, you know, there's a phrase,
there's a there's a specific phrase for it. And I can't
think of it. But anyway, I was wondering how to do that. And I
think that they used to be able to express that side of
themselves more throughout every day than they do now. So I think
that for him, because of because of its office work, it's, it's
technology or whatever, it's getting these drives and like,
in, in like, sections, you know, like two week segments or
whatever. So I think it's fascinating that he kind of
knows about how much time it's going to take. He was like, Oh,
well, you know, it's like two weeks or whatever. So I think
that that that's what's going on, is that he is ensuring he's
trying to take advantage of like, work energy, but in like
motivation, but what I mean is, he's, it's, it's kind of filling
up his tank of what kind of a man am I? You know, am I can I
do this? Can I accomplish this? Can I be this for me, which
whenever he feels like he can be that for him, he feels that he
can be that for you. And then he can finally feel like he has
something to give you of himself. And so
So anything that he can feel that that is being aborted,
if ever he has to kind of like stop
or give up any of that time.
Now, I'm not saying that you're not just in,
in, you know, wanting it and whatever I'm saying,
I'm just explaining that's I think what he's thinking
because he's trying to create the means
by which to provide for you.
Like not just provide like financially,
we're talking like be man enough for you.
In his mind, you're going,
hey, he's plenty man enough for me, not in his mind.
So if he's not enough in his mind,
he actually won't be enough for you
because as weird as it sounds,
because it's like, because then how would I put that?
It's like, it's similar to the fact that I said,
you know, whenever we,
that you have to own yourself
in order to be able to have yourself to give,
he's filling up his tank of like owning himself.
My husband does it by doing stuff like going to the gym
or, you know, he spends time with the Lord
and he has ministry and whatever that he does.
So for him, that's where he gets filled up
or if he plays, he likes to play,
he likes to like do like video games and stuff like that
because to him, that's, it's a challenge.
He's like, okay, let's see if I can do this,
see if I can figure it out.
You know, can I coordinate, can I do this fast enough?
Can I figure out the strategy?
You know, it's all mental, you know?
And I mean, there is hand-eye coordination,
but a lot of it is just, is this mental challenge
that he's trying to,
and I have noticed a world of difference in him
when he goes to the gym or when I give him,
I say give him as if I like allow it or something,
but when I offer him like all of this game time
or whatever, I am telling you what, it is shocking.
Different person is a different person
because not only does he de-stress,
it actually, it actually, it feels, it makes,
it gives, it's a way in which he can like conquer something
in order to recenter himself back to who he is.
And then I am telling you, he is a different person
in who it is that he gives to me.
He is more loving, more generous, more whatever,
because that's what he wants to do.
But I've noticed that if he's not getting what it is
that he needs to be, to feel like he's man enough,
then he has a hard,
then he has a hard time giving me
what it is that he wants to give me
and that I want from him.
So I've learned, okay, what is it that I need to give him
so that he gets for himself what he needs,
which quite honestly is a really great deal.
I don't have to give it to him.
He just gives it to himself.
I just have to give him time and space to do it
and I get out of the way.
Anyway, it hurt, I didn't understand that for a while.
I really didn't get hurt over it
because I figured it out so fast.
I didn't have enough time to like be away from him
while he was at the gym or doing a video game or whatever
for me to like be hurt that,
oh, he wasn't spending time with me.
It would all happen so fast that I noticed a huge shift
just when like just an hour,
just an hour would make a shocking difference.
So I thought, hey,
if I can just let him do his thing for a while,
then he's actually effortlessly gives me what it is
that I want without me having to ask for it.
Cause you know how you're like,
hey, I shouldn't have to ask for this time
because then I just don't feel loved.
If I have to ask for it,
if I have to ask for my husband to spend time with me,
that doesn't make me feel loved.
I don't know about you,
but if I have to ask for it, I don't want it.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't want it because it's not genuine.
It's not from the heart.
And for the guy, he's just like,
I did the thing you asked.
I'm like, but it wasn't with the heart.
So my point is just like you've experienced,
like, hey, when we're on, we're on.
When like we get to these seasons
and when he's like, hey, didn't you do here or whatever,
it's like, great.
And I know that that's because,
based off of what you said,
that it's because he's doing it because he wants to,
not because you're asking him to.
During those really great seasons
or whatever.
And the same thing, you know, with my husband is like,
if he can get his tank filled up and tell himself
and connect with himself, who he is,
then it's amazing how much.
he expresses love to me. All of these things that he does, all of these things that he,
that he does my way, and sort of his way, and he offers. I didn't even ask, but it's like,
if he gets these, if he has these, basically, basically these needs met. See, a woman wants
to know she's loved. A man wants to know for himself, to himself, that he's enough.
And quite honestly, he needs that more than he needs the woman to tell him he's enough.
Meaning like, him connecting with the fact that he's enough for himself is more life-giving to him
than if his woman builds him up. That is important, but the other is more important.
Him being enough for himself is more powerful than him being enough for the woman. Sure,
the woman can, we can destroy that with, the woman can tear him down with her words,
or she can build him up with her words, but it's not enough. We want to be enough.
We're always wanting to be enough. We're wanting our words to be enough. We're wanting the fact
that we're married to them and providing them like a nurturing home environment to be enough,
but if their work isn't okay, it's not enough. And that just hurts. It just hurts. It's like,
wait a minute. You mean like, I'm giving you everything and it's not enough to fill you up.
For a woman, it is. To receive that from the man, sort of. I mean, we have to have,
we need the Lord and all of that, but if she is being filled up by her husband, that's enough
for her. Man, it's just not. Between you and me as the girls, it's very disappointing. That's okay.
It's something we can just work out with the Lord. So anyway, all of this though,
you know, doesn't address your feelings. I'm just saying that that, I think it's just for us to like
talk about, okay, well, what's actually going on here? That's what's going on. But so what I have
done and to a lot of, a lot of, a lot of hurt and heartache and whatever is just to,
is just to figure out, okay, how can I, how can I make room for, because it's really
so interesting. Both men and women need room, but a man, a man needs kind of room in a different way.
If you can just kind of give a man this space to do whatever it is that he wants and needs to do,
it's amazing how he will, of his own initiative, then give us what it is that we're wanting and
we're needing because they want to love us. They want to love on us. In fact, my husband was even
asked me something last night. He's like, Ashley, why would you think that I would do that?
I thought that he'd done something to hurt me. That felt like, meaning like that it felt like
I wasn't being protected or provided for whatever. And, and it hurt. And I was just sitting
there on the couch. It was just so hurting, but we were watching the movie and finally he figured
out that I was hurt. He was like, why, why, why are you hurt? It's like, what? Yeah, I think it
did. What did I do? What did I do? He's like, was it this? Was it this? I said, it was when you did
this. And I'm serious, Tammy. I have never been so emotional in my life as I have been since I got
married. I'm serious. I'm just like, I have reverted to childhood in my emotions. This is
stupid. But anyway, so it is. And I told him, I said, well, sweetheart, when you did this,
it, it, um, that was what I was using to keep myself warm and you just took it away.
And it just hurt me that you would, you know, try to take care of yourself,
you know, and take it from me to keep yourself because just cause you wanted it and you took
away my warmth. And it's like, it hurt my feelings. He's like, sweetheart. He said,
I didn't know you were using that to keep yourself warm. He said, he said, and he was just going,
sweetheart. He's like, I feed you. He he'd like, maybe we went to the grocery store together and
he like bought all this stuff and he made me dinner. And you know, and then we put out,
we put on the movie that I wanted to watch. Cause he said, Ashley, would you want to watch? I said,
well, I don't know. I think that he said, no, not what do you think that I would like? No.
What do you want to watch? So, you know, and it wasn't like some special night. We weren't
celebrating anything. He was just trying to love on me, you know? So he does all this stuff and
then I get hurt. And then he says, sweetheart, I do all of these things for you. I do this and I
feed you and I do, and I take care of you. And I, and I, and I want you to like sleep like really
late, late in the morning sometimes. And I want you to do this. And I get so excited when you're
like, I can like take care of you. It's like, why do you think that I would like take away something
that was giving you comfort? Do you think that's who I am? Of course, then that makes.
Can you feel really bad?
Oh, dear.
We lost you.
Oh, yeah, I think you're on mute.
Thank you. Sorry. You were talking. It was good. And it was like, then you froze, but I still heard you. And then it was completely gone. So anyway, I think it's because I was, I wasn't on Wi Fi. So I just came back and sat on the balcony. So that way I can still get the Wi Fi.
Oh, okay. All right.
I'm sorry, I'm going, well, is it me or her? I wasn't sure. So because, of course, we've been having issues with the internet, but I'm on cell. So I and my cell has been good so far. So it's like, well, I don't know, maybe it's not today.
So the last thing you said, well, you were like, you were explaining how you felt her and he was talking about how he had loved on you that day.
Yes. So basically, I say all of that to say, and I've had I've had this conversation with multiple wives in the rest intensive that call me and they're like, I mean, I've, I've sat with people like, well, virtually on the bathroom floor, weeping, because, you know, my husband
he's not doing this, I just don't feel loved. And I made a mistake and all of this stuff. And so I'll tell them the same thing that I told you, and it's the same thing I have to remember is it and I learned this big by that with with, I learned this about interacting with a husband, you know, and a wife as well, by,
by learning this with the Lord. And, and it is powerful about how it can like affect and change a marriage. And that is to choose to that to understand that they can't give us either a husband to a wife or wife to a husband cannot give what it is that we really need.
And we all know that in theory, but we keep trying to get it from the other. And really, it's like, well, God provides that. And what the other person is in our lives is for us to be able to receive themselves and what it is of themselves that they want to offer.
So basically kind of like what a woman does get what we were talking about submission the other day is to receive love protection and provision in the way that they desire to give it.
And it doesn't mean that we can't have conversations about the Bible of languages and all of that and like, well, yeah, but I know you're saying that I know you're doing that, but this is how it makes me feel and I'm looking for this and but if you do it
You know, that's all part of like the, like the growing with each other and just learning how someone else hears or receives things, but the older that we get in marriage, the longer that we have a relationship with a person, let alone, you know, marriage, God, anyone
else, the more that we, the more that we've had records written over and over and over that they really do love us, where we really stop questioning it so much.
And we realize, and it's almost just, it's like the faithfulness of God, you know, it's the same thing with like a like a husband or whatever it's like okay well we I've learned so much over and over and over and over and over again that they really do love.
So, the thing that they're saying, or that they're doing really is hurtful, but I've been with them so long that I now understand them better than I did when I first got married, and it no longer.
And so I know that they still love me, even though they're saying that thing, or even though they're doing that thing because there's been so much history that in which their love has been affirmed.
for us in the beginning. Now you've been married longer, even than I have, but it's still a beginning you know I mean think about how long people are married, you know, like 50 years or whatever.
And so anyway what it is, so it is a growing process so we don't have to beat ourselves up over the fact that we are where it is that we are and that certain things are hurting our feelings or whatever.
It's just that what it is that we want to practice growing into
is to receive what it is that the person offers
of themselves, like protection in the form
that they choose to provide it, love in the form
that they provide it, provision in the form that they provide
it.
We don't get to dictate it.
We can discuss with them, hey, look,
there were two sides of the same coin here.
There's the husband and there's the wife.
We are equal in the marriage, in value, and not just
your opinion, but also my opinion matters.
And let's discuss this.
And so there's obviously discussion, et cetera,
that at the end of the day, we have to receive,
and they have the same thing from us,
have to receive it as we are choosing to offer it to them.
Not because we're selfishly deciding,
well, this is just what I want to do.
This is just how I want to do it.
No, we're offering it from our very heart
because he really does love you.
So when he isn't obligated, what comes out to love you?
What naturally comes out of his heart,
and in what form does it come?
How does he effortlessly love on you because he wants to?
And he has all this pent up love for you, and it has to express.
How it expresses, how does it express?
And so we receive it, we're like, oh, that's him loving on me.
And we have to choose, OK, we have
to choose to trust that that's what it is that they're giving
because they're giving themselves.
That's kind of my point is when we love someone,
we're choosing to receive them without conditions.
We're choosing to receive what aspect of themselves
that they're choosing to give.
In other words, we're receiving them, not something
that we want to feel as a result of being with them.
We want to receive them.
So how are they giving them?
How are they giving their love?
They have love for us inside of them.
When they're giving it to us, what form
does it end up looking like?
Well, we don't get to dictate the form.
We're just called to trust that what that thing is that we're
taking into ourselves is their love.
Or their protection or their provision,
even though we wouldn't naturally
interpret it that way.
Well, it's piece and parcel of themselves
that they're offering and expressing.
And that's the protection that's in them towards us
that gets sent to us.
Well, then we choose to receive that.
And so it's hard because it means
that we're having to trust in faith what it is that they're
offering as opposed to it meeting our standards
or our criteria or whatever.
So that's what we're trying to grow into.
And it's the same thing that we do with the Lord.
We just do it now with our husbands as well.
But anyway, so I mean, there's multiple things
that we could talk about this, including like, well, OK,
but what do we do in the meantime about the fact
that, well, I'm still hurt.
And how do we rest in the Lord?
So we can talk about that.
But I just wanted to talk kind of like
in a practical sense of what's going on
and then what it is that we want to, what the goal of our,
what approach that we want to, how
we want to begin to approach it is
from the perspective of receiving of themselves
what it is that they are offering.
So point is, for me, it helps when he's doing his own thing
and I'm not getting to be involved.
Because sometimes we can't be involved.
Sure, there's all of that marriage counseling stuff
that talks about, oh, we'll start to do stuff together,
start getting interested in his hobbies or whatever.
Well, sometimes their hobbies are things that,
are their hobbies because they don't include us.
It's just them by themselves.
And so that's not an option of us
like getting to learn to just enter their world.
The same thing with his work.
Now, sure, one of the things that I do with my husband
is I just ask him questions about, well, what's important?
And I try to understand his world.
Because my husband is a verbal processor,
so he likes to talk about it.
And so I try, I love on him by giving him space
to verbally process that with me.
So if your husband likes that and if that's helpful,
well, then you can start to ask him questions, which
I'm sure you probably do.
I'm just mentioning a whole bunch of things
that are coming to mind.
You can ask him questions about his work.
And OK, so what did you do today?
And let him basically brag on himself.
Because what he's trying to do is
he's trying to prove something to himself.
Am I man enough for this?
Can I conquer this?
Can I even conquer actually the execution
or the problem solving?
And so sometimes he wants to.
with you what it is that he's done, you know, so like, hey, you know, it kind of reaffirms
to himself and to you, hey, I really am man enough, right?
So there's, you know what, I have a question, though, because like, yeah, like, when he
says, like, he says, like, this is who I am, like, this level of intensity and focus on
this one thing is who I am, it's like, but that's not who you are, like, that's an aspect
of who you are, is what I wanted to say, but I like, I didn't want to get all theological
and extra or whatever, but I'm just like, you're a son of God, like, even if you didn't
do that, like, you're still valuable, like, your value isn't, like, we appreciate what
you do, and I'm not stomping on that at all, but it's like, I don't, it's like, not healthy,
I don't think it's healthy for him to eat his identity from that either, and so I guess
that's one thing, I have multiple things, but that's one thing, but is it just because
we're different genders, and so, like, that's his role to provide, so, like, that's okay
for him to get some of his identity from that, like, I don't know, I've been dealing with
that my whole, you know, this whole year, so.
Well, it's a little bit of both, so part of it, because I've questioned, you know, the
same thing, is it's a bit of both there, okay, so I think that what it is that we have done
is we're not supposed to get our identity from it, but there is a way in which we have
warped what the value that God put, for instance, on a man with his job or his career, what he
does, there is a very real, I don't know, connection between a man and what he does
that's different than a woman and what she does, meaning, like, if she were to have a career,
you know, it's important to women, like, for instance, it was very important to me, I was
single, I had nothing else to do, I wasn't married, I didn't have children, I didn't have a house,
my world was my work, so, but at the same, so a lot of women who are very driven, they're
very focused on it and whatever, but just there's something different in a man and his career,
what it is that he does, I think that what we, that I think is very, very important and that
we have just, and it's so important that we've misconstrued identity and applied identity to it
and I don't think that that's accurate, however, I do believe that it is as valuable in a manner of
speaking as they feel that it is, I think that we're just attributing the wrong word to it,
so I don't believe that, it's almost like, how would you say, like, okay, I hope that this
doesn't muddy the waters, I hope it clears the depth, kind of like, you know, the fact that
when people talk about, people come and I talk about rest, sometimes they think, well, that means
that they do nothing, I'm like, no, no, you still are just as active as you were before, in fact,
probably, you'll probably become more so, it's just that now you'll do it all from a different
place, a different source, but you still get all of the same amount done, if not more than what you
used to get done, so it's the same kind of an idea with this, it's like, the problem isn't,
and they're not incorrect of the value that it has to them, you know, and the, because I believe
that that connection that they feel is a connection that is God made, is God created, I believe,
though, that they're approaching it from a needs-based, it's my identity perspective,
that's not accurate, and they need to approach it from a different place, but it's still just
as important as they think that it is, it's just not their identity, they can't get their sense of
value for it, their sense of, like, who it is that they are, and their value as a human being,
and like, make life worth living, so that is corrupted and twisted, but I do believe that
all of the, so I think that they're just attributing it to the wrong thing, like,
oh my word, I need this as part of my existence, or whatever, that they're using to fill a place
that it can't fill, but I do believe that the weight, in other words, the seriousness,
and the importance to it that they feel is God-given, I think that they're just using it
to fill a need that it can't fill, so I honestly, whenever I hear men talk about it, I don't correct
on it, because the thing is, it's like, that is so deep that they can't, deep within their
connection to their existence, that I can't touch it, only God can reveal that to them and break it,
but, and also, man, the more that you approach something that they, that is contrary to what
they believe, the more it entrenches them in their belief, it's just going, goes back off, or whatever,
so I affirm him in all, you know, so I recommend, like, affirming them in all of those things.
But I don't believe it's accurate that that's who it is that, well, it's not their identity, but it's just how they choose to, it's, it's valuable in the fact that that's how they are choosing to express their identity, who it is that they really are.
Their identity is choosing to express itself in being this kind of a man that likes these kinds of things and whatever.
So I don't split hairs with them because what they hear is that it's not important.
And you're not wanting to say that it's not important. You're just trying to say, hey, it doesn't mean this, but all they hear is it's not important.
And so I don't even argue. So I just let them know, oh, my word is very important.
And what it is that you want to do. And I don't know, I just try to, I always just try to affirm it.
Instead of trying to help, instead of trying to explain to them that it's actually different than the value or the meaning that they're giving to it.
I just try to, well, I'll just pray about that.
Because like I do, and I'm not like, I'm like, I've given him space to the point of like he wanted to be come here in Baton Rouge and I couldn't because I was working.
And then it was like, then I could, but then he didn't want me here. So it was like, what are you talking about? We're married, how we're not living in the same spot.
Like the fact that now is like, okay, yes, because I'm like, babe, wherever you go, I want to go. Like the fact that he's like, okay with that now is like a huge thing.
But like sometimes it's like that thing, like, oh, my identity, my work, my achievement or whatever, it can be placed so high that it's like, it was before everything.
And so I'm like, I'm not going to use an excuse for you to treat me and put me in a pigeonhole that you want to put me in. But like, that's not what marriage is. It's not about like, okay, well, I'm gonna do what I want to do.
And then when I get ready, I'll pull you out the box and you're just ready for me.
And I have a choice to just as much about what do I want, if I want to be in this marriage and on what basis I want to be on the marriage.
I think I just came to the end of just putting lines in the sand and saying, you know what, I've given a lot and I've taken a lot.
And this is just not my perception of marriage is not what I want it to be. And I'm not okay with this and I'm willing to let it go and to release it because you're really interested in the way that you want to live your life and that's fine.
In that case. And so, like, I think, you know, with that marriage is like that oneness of like, okay, we have two different ways of ideas, but it's like we have to compromise and come up with a way that reaches and meets both of us where we are.
Because when I see green, he just, he would just be extreme on a whole nother level. And I've, you know, put up with crazy stuff infidelity, whatever, like, I'm just not so it's not just like me just being like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to cry baby because like whatever it's just like, I'm like, no, I'm your, I'm your wife.
Put me on that level. And if everything's going to come in front of me in, you can't make basic, basic, you know, when you're in this mode I'm like fine but it's like I'm not trying to go back to these patterns.
Again, like I'm just not because I'm, I feel like I'm just as valuable as you are to God and I was good by myself I took care of myself God took care of me. So, it's fine.
So I definitely, but I do appreciate like I really appreciate because it's like he does feel like that's a part of who we am so like he is so like allow him to have that space within the context that I'm able to be like okay with I guess and just
have that space but I'm like, it was like an hour you go to the gym girl I'm not that clicky girl like go.
I'm sorry I wasn't trying to like compare situations I was just trying to like pull out. This is where my context and this is the principle I'm just trying to love it.
No, one of the things that you can do it and it meaning like you know in your situation is, is because it is important. Like I said that both of you have both of you have a voice so one of the things you can do is try to approach it as it's just
recommendation of place and think about is, and is, is saying okay, because, because sometimes guys like a specific, hey look, what do you want, and you told them what you want.
So here's the problem is you didn't like it, you didn't receive it. So what it is that I do sometimes like okay hey I've given you a specific let's see what he does with the specific let's see that helps them, you know, kind of like, otherwise, women can deal
with white canvas more than.
guy can't like, just like, let's train it. A guy is just like,
narrow it down for me, give me some specifics to choose from.
And so you did. So you could say, Hey, look, you know, what
about this? Or what about this? And then but you're saying that
he's still kind of like mixing that one thing you could say is
like, tell them what it is that your that your need is, you
know, how it is that things make you feel. This is what a guy
told me a guy told me you've been married a long time does
some marriage, like, unofficial marriage counseling, whatever he
said, actually, what guys need to know, is guys need to know
how much you feel, because they're always trying to make
sure that you feel okay. And, and so it's like, so give him
like a, like a, like a way in which he can experience through
a story, how it is, it's making you feel. And, and so, anyway,
that, so any, and I was like, Well, that sounds great. But I
can't, and he gave me a story. And I'm like, but I don't know
how to come up with a story like that. And he said, Well, it is
true. He's like, guys, it's a lot easier for guys to come up
with stories like that. I'm like, well, then that's just
not helpful. Anyway, but I didn't say that. So but the
point is, it's just like he said, actually, guys need to
understand how it makes you feel he said that they can connect
with it better. Because he said, logically, they're always
looking for logic. And what it is that you're saying and why
you need it does not make sense to them. He's like, there's no
logic to him in that. And what you're saying, you're going, I
don't need it to make logical sense. I just need you to fix
how I feel, you know. And so he said, they need to know how you
feel. So if you tell them, like, maybe how it is that you feel a
bit, how something is making you feel and best you can, maybe
you're better at this than me come up with some kind of like
a story like about like, say, for instance, that there was a
puppy, you know, he's doing this. And then, you know, he
comes back home after he's been all scared, he almost got run
over. And then all you do is just like kicking like, well,
you know, why on earth did you run out? Look, don't you think
that's going to happen to you or whatever. And then the puppy
goes and cowers in the corner and you know, and just feels
afraid of even coming home. So well, that's how that makes me
feel when you do da da da da da, you know, the guy was telling
me, you know, he's like, a man can understand that can kind of
like grasp of, oh, that's how you're feeling. Because the
feel, they suddenly felt it through the story, as opposed
to God, as opposed to we were telling them, hey, look, I'm
hurt. They got no context for that. It's like, what do you
mean hurt? Okay, well, it's like this, how would you feel if it
works? Whatever. He said that that would help. So it's like,
okay. So anyway, if you were telling, you know, kind of how
you feel, and then give them an option of like, hey, that, you
know, if, you know, I gave you an example of, hey, this would
help me feel better, if we did this. But if you don't like
that, or that doesn't work for you, that's how I read it, that
doesn't work for you. Do you have what other suggestions do
you have and what it is that that we could do? Right? So in
other words, give them the option of initiating what how
he wants to love you and how he wants to change how you feel.
And maybe that'll help. It depends on the man as to what's
gonna as to what gonna work with him, because you gave him a
specific and the specific didn't help. Maybe it helps. Maybe it
helped a few times. But you're saying that it's there's still
some resistance there. And then you just and you just pick a
specific, you know, maybe a specific time of day. And then
there's just always this expectation kind of like you,
you have a planned meeting, like a planned zoom call, you know,
like he would for his work, only this is planned to come
through by, it's from here, you can tell him, hey, we will even
set a timer, you know, once that timer is gone, well, then he
knows he's free. In other words, he's like, in other words, you
thought like, hey, if you just give me this, but I'm not
you're not, I'm not trapping you right now. And then Oh, my
goodness, I'm gonna ask for an extra five minutes for an extra
10. It's just, and then he doesn't feel as maybe it's
trapped, or whatever. And because his mind, because you're
just trying to think of like, well, is he feeling trapped? Is
he feeling like, you know, confined? Is he feeling like,
you don't know. So that's an idea. That's good. Yeah. But
yeah, that's all just kind of like,
if he did, he did, like he came around, and he was like, Okay,
babe, I could do that. So that's good. I think it was just me. I
was like, I was still feeling really hurt by the fact that
like, why am I begging for little crumbs of your day? And I
just felt hurt by that. But he, I wasn't able to let it go
after. So he, he felt he was like, I gave you the 20. And I'm
like, but you don't get it. So anyway, like,
he said, I gave you what?
I gave you what you want. Like, okay, so like, why feel grumpy?
Like, why are you still in your feelings? Because you haven't
addressed my feelings, like, or whatever.
I know. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. See, sometimes if I just
know that
knows how I feel. If he just addresses my feelings so that I suddenly feel different,
I no longer have to have what it is that I asked for.
I agree. I don't get it. I wish they knew how to explain it better.
I get it. Yeah. And I've told him before, and he, well,
he's talked to me about it. He's like, actually, I don't understand. He's like, you, he's like,
we, we haven't talked about something, you know, and, um, and then, uh, and then all
I have to do is just kind of like express, Hey, this is how, uh, you know, it, we talked
about your feelings and it feels better. And then I'm like, okay, okay. Now it's like,
that doesn't make any sense. We haven't solved the problem. I'm like, yeah, but I feel better.
So I want to feel heard. That's what I said. I just want to feel heard. Like if I feel
authentically heard, then it's not really, that was the, that's the big thing. Like,
yeah. Is it interesting? So anyway, hopefully maybe that, uh, maybe that'll help, but, um,
so, but then as far as like, like long-term, um, like what I said, it's just the, um, it's that
aspect of understanding eventually to just like receive what it is that they choose to offer of
themselves and know that what you're getting is you're getting the privilege of a piece of them
that they're not offering others. And so, and it's just kind of like learning each other's
language, like how someone else speaks or wherever, and that helps a lot. Um, and then
just stop because here's the other thing, the more that, uh, that we, or I should say the less,
if I want to approach it that way, grammatically, the less that we, um, need them to supply
something for us. Cause when you choose, no, they can't really give me that. I have to get
it from the Lord. The more that we rely on God for it. In other words, go to him and like, okay,
do things that, you know, we talk about the rest intensive, you know, choose that, that I am loved
unconditionally and that the Lord doesn't disconnect from me when I'm sitting and, you
know, and, and, um, and, uh, that I'm unified with him and, you know, just the same way that you do
for other relationships. Can you just fully anchor and secure yourself in the Lord? Then the,
the less that you actually need from them and the less that you need from them, the more that you
can enjoy them, the more that you can just love what it is that they offer of themselves without
needing it to be different, without needing it to come in a specific form or whatever.
And that is truly being at rest and being able to enjoy, um, and fully receive more from a
relationship than if you could, then you, if you had control over it and could dictate what you
got from it, you will receive more from it because they have a lot more to give,
but we don't know to ask for it. It's an, it's like an, in the unknown of their debts
that we don't know to ask for. It's just like the Lord. So the less that we ask for, I mean,
sorry, the less that, that the more that we're just open to receiving what it is of them that
they, that they offer, the more that we discover, like I said, same thing with the Lord, more that
we discover because we, we don't even know the questions to ask in order to be able to tap the
minds of the, the minus minds of something that we, you know, we don't even know exists.
So, um, anyway, if that's helpful, that is, yeah, it is. So I, yeah, I think that's, it's good. It
just helps me to, because I feel like I just want to be balanced and everything. And I think I was
just at one end of the spectrum for so long. And I definitely, so you're right. Like they're
offering all that they can, cause that's what he's like, I'm giving you what I'm capable of.
I'm like, what do you mean? You're right. You're weird. Okay. I get it. That's helpful. It really
is a lot. Yeah. And your marriage and your marriage counseling is going well.
It definitely, it helps. It's just like, you know, we may not be having an issue. Like last
Wednesday was great. Everything was great. And something new came up. And so now we went from
every week to every other week. So I'm like, okay, I can't wait. Like another, you know what
I mean? Like for me to be able to get around to have some enlightenment. So, um,
But do they teach you, um, and help you improve your communication to be able to solve your own
problems? Yes. It has, it has. And you know what, he's provided us with the tools and that we've
decided, he was like, we know the tools we're not using it consistently. I was like, you're so right.
So like there's a hundred percent commitment to using the tools.
into stopping negative communication patterns.
So yeah, into being in a healthy relationship.
So it is helpful.
And I don't know, I hope I, I don't know, thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
Was there anything else about it?
Did it make sense about how to do it more
from place of being anchored in the Lord,
which I know that we, I don't know about you,
for me, sometimes it can feel like kind of distant
from the actual problem and be kind of like a,
here's basically what I'm saying.
It can feel like it's a slow,
less direct way of dealing with it,
but actually it happens very fast.
So when we deal with things from a perspective
of our relationship with the Lord
and that basically that spiritual root,
it will affect things faster
because we're accessing the,
we're giving authority into a situation,
like say, for instance, marriage,
from the perspective, from the kingdom of God.
We're giving authority to the kingdom of God
to access our marriage and to impact it.
So it's more powerful.
So therefore it's faster.
It's faster, it's more genuine, it's more authentic.
It hits the systems at a root level
versus something that we can feel
is like a more direct addressing of the problem of like,
okay, well, like practically, what do we do?
You know, kind of like,
that's what we talked about
the majority of this conversation was like,
I was just giving some practical stuff,
which usually I don't do,
but for whatever reason I decided
I'd throw in some stuff today.
But that is kind of like the whole thing
of like putting a Band-Aid on something.
It can help like protect the wound
and whatever, but it's not actually dealing
with the root issue, you know,
underneath of what's going on.
And so even though it can feel like a very indirect,
like very unrelated or very distant
from the actual problem itself of like,
hey, we're dealing with this in our marriage.
And so you're telling me I need to go
and just like, you know,
between me and the Lord and whatever.
It can feel like, yeah,
but once it take a while for it to get to affect this,
it's really not.
It's actually very fast
because that actually is the reason why we're responding.
So you'll find that when you get anchored in the Lord
and in solid and who it is that you and he are together,
all of a sudden this fixes the problem.
And it's just because that was the root
of why you were triggered.
It's the root of why it affected you.
It's the root of why you saw it the way that you did.
So now that this is fixed,
you now completely see this totally different.
I mean, it can happen very immediately.
So basically it's you giving you what you need.
And what sometimes takes a bit more time
is the other person, you know,
because they have to now see something different from you
and actually have to learn to build up that trust
that this new thing is something
that is going to stay around.
That has to be something that, you know,
they kind of have to watch for a while, you know,
and then be affected by the spirit
and then choose how it is that they want to respond.
Because now you and they,
the spirit within you is unaligned
from what it is that is going on in them.
It's unaligned.
And so then now they have something different to respond to.
And they're like, okay, well, how do I want to respond?
There's a reason why they're responding
the way that they are.
They've got all this baggage, all this background,
all of these, this past.
And so now there's, they've got,
they have the opportunity to make a new choice,
but there's a reason why they've been making the choice
that they've been making.
So they're now like, what do I do about all this stuff?
Like, you know, all the past, all the baggage,
all my past experiences.
You know, there's a reason why I'm doing all that.
Do I want to let it all go and now respond appropriately?
Or do I, am I just so wounded?
I'm just staying entrenched in this old way of thinking.
And so, so anyway, just FYI,
that can kind of take a while,
but it doesn't even have to take,
it can feel like a long time when you're in it.
But what I've experienced
and what I've watched in other people is that,
over like, if you were to actually look
at the amount of time compared to the amount of time
it takes to change compared to like, I don't know,
longer amount of time, it actually isn't very short.
It actually isn't very long.
It just feels like a long time.
Like two weeks can feel like a very long time
when you're in it.
But like, when you look back over the fact of like,
three years, two weeks of going through hell,
you know, with him or whatever, it's very short.
And I'm not saying two weeks, you know,
because of what you're talking about,
it just was the number that popped into my head.
Like you're dealing with something, you know,
it is actually very short over a very long, you know,
compared to a very long period of time.
So.
Cause I just was like, I felt like when God was like, there was just breakthrough.
I was like, oh, I prayed this one night.
Like I journaled it one night to God.
And it was like the same day something happened.
And like, now I just feel like, okay, I'm not, I don't get the same response.
And so I think I'm like a little like, no, he does that to build our faith, to
let us know that we're headed in the right direction, that we're doing the
right thing, but then that it doesn't always wait, he's not, he's not showing
us a new formula that we can rely on.
He's showing us a being that we can always rely on.
Okay.
Yeah.
I gotta keep remembering that.
Cause I'm like, okay, well I access the being this way and now it's not working.
So like what's going on.
Okay.
Yeah.
So it, and so this is basically what the rest of it is all about is to learn to let
go of, of how, of how God shows up or what we get from God in order to choose God
himself, regardless of what we get from him, regardless of how it shows up or
whatever.
And that's, that's a hard transition to make.
I don't mean hard as in like it's complicated or even that it takes a long
time.
It's just hard as in the fact we actually have to do it.
And that's like challenging to do.
But if one just makes up one's mind that one's going to do it, you just,
well, then it can happen like that.
It's just all of my intention.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I think this is my thing is like, okay, well, before my time with God, so
you can't see my finger, my time,
right.
Like pre rest,
the rest intensive, you know?
Yeah.
And I'm like, so I think I am trying to, it's like, well, I don't know.
It's like, how, I don't know.
I don't think I know.
Like, how do I connect with, with God in a way that he thinks is meaningful?
Like, I know I heard you say like, when you read it in Iran, it's just kind of
like, well, you know, like I can just be doing dishes and I'm kind of like doing
it with him, but I do have in my head, it's kind of like, I need to have this
designated time where I'm doing something, you know, like, I don't know.
Like it'll before it was like, okay.
It was as easy as journaling before rest intensive though.
It was like, okay, well I need to, you know, read my Bible or look at the
verse today from the Bible app or do X, Y, Z in like, it just, I feel
like it's a moving target.
That's kind of how I feel.
And I don't know.
I don't, I don't.
So I guess I feel like I don't know how to, how to connect in a way consistently.
I don't know.
I'm confused.
We, um, we've got all of those ideas from church tradition.
We had to be taught, you had to stop and had a set amount of time
every day to spend time with the Lord.
We were taught that the word devotion, you know, is like a, like a thing that
you do with God is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible, it's just not.
Now, yes, people had times where they, um, you know, where they, they, they sit
and they talk with God and they sit and they spend time with God, just
like you would with a person, you know, there's that, but then the majority
of the Bible is, is people interacting with God in life, stuff that comes up.
That God was there and they would bring God with them to do the thing.
I mean, like David with, with, when he's like in battle or he's, you know,
struggling with Saul or, you know, Jesus, when he's on the boat, you know,
in the, in the middle of the sea of Galilee or he's just whatever they're,
they're living life and they're doing stuff we call it in our, in our world
right now, we're doing dishes, you know, but other people are like walking to
a mass and they're sitting there and then they're eating afterwards
that they're at the dinner table.
It's nothing special.
It's just bringing God into life because it, when I say that meaning,
Remember that the whole point of it, think of it like, like this, going
all the way back to, to you know, our purpose here on earth is remember
that we were created for relationship with God, all that we're doing here
in the physical realm is we were expressing that which already exists
in the spirit, so who you and God are and how you've developed your
relationship thus far, what the end, which is constantly changing, you know,
what that looks, what does that look like right now, if you were to translate
it into physical, you know, what does that look like?
And that's what your life is supposed to look like right now is who you and
God are right now in the spirit.
And how would you translate that into what you do today?
into who you talk to today,
into who you have a relationship with,
into what business that you're gonna start,
or how you spend your time,
or which books you read or whatever.
It's not, hey God, is it okay for me to read this book?
It's like, are you okay with this?
Is this like God approved?
Or it's more like, okay God,
you and I are living life today.
Okay, we're getting in the shower.
Okay, now we're getting me ready for the day.
Now we're reading a book.
Now we are.
And so you just bring God with you throughout every day.
And then you can have special times where you stop,
and it's just basically that devotions
are kind of like this practice of intentionality,
to remember to be very intentional about the fact that,
I don't know, let's connect with the Lord.
It's also a way to just remove distractions
so that you're giving God, the king of the universe,
time that you're giving him like,
okay God, I'm not going to allow myself
to be distracted by other desires or other,
I don't know, other temptations of my to-do list,
of what else I need to get done.
It's just nothing but you, you and me.
And I don't know, in practicing like being able to,
without distractions, being able to hear him and whatever.
So, but it's not a, God expects devotions out of you,
or something, God needs you to give him you.
So give him you while you're doing the dishes,
give him you, I mean,
cause give him like always access to you,
you and he are doing it together.
This isn't something that you've decided
that you want to do in life,
and you're just hoping God's okay with it.
You're hoping it gets God approved
and that God will use it, you know,
to like impact the world, you know, it's whatever it is.
You and God are living.
God is getting a life experience
through your physical existence.
Because remember, Christ is in you.
So you no longer live, but Christ lives within you.
I mean, like he's getting another earthly experience
through you.
He learned what it was like to live through Jesus.
Now, Jesus was a bit different
because obviously he was actually,
it was actually, there wasn't like a spirit of Jesus,
so to speak, that was apart from God.
I mean, it was the actual son of God himself,
you know, took on bodily form.
But remember that he and God, the father,
are as united as you and I are to God, the father.
So that's why you can live like Jesus lived.
That's why you can read what it is that he,
the life experience that Jesus experienced here on earth,
you know, of how he interacted with the father,
and you can have that too.
He was the example.
He wasn't the example of, hey,
do all of these things just like I'm doing them.
He's like, no, no, live like I am living.
Literally, there is nothing that I am doing
that you can't do.
He said, in fact, you will do more than this.
You will do greater than this, is what he said.
He literally told his only disciples this,
and said, you will do greater things than what I'm doing.
And he wasn't just saying, hey, obey all the laws
just like I'm obeying the laws.
He said, live like me.
So you have the opportunity to do that.
The same Christ that resurrected,
the resurrected Christ and the spirit
of the resurrected Christ is in you.
All of that power of Christ is within you.
And so you just live like that.
You just, it's, you as a son of God,
just like Jesus was the son of God, are now living.
So imagine if you had, you know, just like,
you know, in the gospels, there's Jesus,
he came into earth, he came to earth,
and it documented through the gospels that,
hey, Jesus came to earth, and he was born in a manger,
or he was born and posed in a manger,
and, you know, there's all four gospels
documenting all of the things that he did
and all the ways he lived.
You do know that that could be written about you.
Now, no, you're not the son of God that died for the world.
But my point is that, that God intended your life
to look the way that Jesus' life looked
and was documented to be.
And the experience that he had with God the Father,
the communion that he had with God the Father,
that is what God is saying he has offered to you.
All you have to do is choose to receive that
as opposed to doing your own thing.
So you just, so just live.
Yeah, you do devotions, you know,
be intentional and all of that.
that, but it's so you can have those things, but God's just like, yeah, but that's very,
if you're giving me that, then that's actually not you giving me, you giving me you,
which is what I've asked for. I didn't ask for devotions. I asked for you. So giving you what,
who are you? What do you, what do you do? You do? Well, I don't know. Maybe you like to garden.
Maybe you like to, um, keep up your house and maybe you like to, you know, you're excited
about starting a business and you're excited about like, well, what's, what's in me? What
do I want to offer the world? How do I want to interact with other people in what context? Do
I want to do it as an accountant? Do I want to do it as a teacher? Do I want to do it as an
educator of educators? Do I want to do it as coach? Do it, you know, what, what do I want to,
what do I want to do? Who are we in God together? So give, give him yourself. Don't give him what
you do. Give yourself your experience, your emotions, or how you just live life and do it
with him. That when you say you're, you're doing it, you're giving it to him. You're immersing
yourself in him. You're allowing yourself to operate from a place of union with them. That's
what the whole giving yourself is. It's like, you no longer live separate, just checking in with
God periodically, making sure he approves, making sure this follows the rules or that this looks
like him and that like, okay, Lord, would you do something like this? Okay. Well then I will do
something like this. No, God's like, you need to live in more union with me than that. We need to
be living and flowing together and are living and flowing together is what, when it's where you're
living and flowing in the physical realm, it ends up creating this business. It ends up creating
this ministry. It ends up creating this book. It ends up creating this garden. It ends up
interacting with this other soul, but it's you and God flowing together, but in order for you
and God to flow together, you have to give up you and immerse yourself in him so that y'all can flow.
So yeah, you can't flow if you're separated. Okay. Got it. So I definitely get it like from a sense
of like being vulnerable with him about what's going on with me. Um, I totally, I understand
what you're saying about like, Oh, instead of like checking in with him as I do these things.
So is it like, I don't know, I'm trying to understand like, what does that look like on
a day to day? Is that like, Oh, I'm just like doing some stuff. And I'm like, I'll just talk
to him about whatever's going on. Or it's just this, or is it just like, no, like the, the
thinking is like, we're like literally, I don't know how, like, I just, I, I get it. I think from
a theoretical point, when I'm like, well, what does that look like in action? But I know he'll
show me. So I don't know, I guess if I asked you specifically, like, well, what does that look like,
then it's more steps and formulas, because it might be different for everybody, I guess. I
don't know. Yeah, the closest thing I can think of, I would recommend doing what you just,
just mentioned, you know, you just, you just ask him, you know, and talk to him about it.
The closest thing I can think of to describe it or to articulate it is I always imagined him being
there. And that like, for instance, I would stand here, like, remember, literally, we're back in the
same apartment where the Lord told me, you know, taught me that where I started the rest intensive,
and where the Lord told me the word rest told me that right over there, you know, and then I would,
and then when I talked, and then this is where this is the apartment that I was in when the Lord
talked to me, when the Lord taught me about faith, and he taught me or began to continue to teach me
more depth of it later about like, how serious it was. But that we're where I also made the choice
that God loved me, I was right over there, laying down, and God, and I thought, okay,
what's the one thing that I haven't? If I don't feel loved by God, what's the and I read the Bible
from cover to cover, and I can't figure out how to how to believe that he loves me, what's the
one thing that I haven't done, that might help me finally feel loved by God, and I thought I
haven't chosen. It was laying right over there. It was late one morning, and I hadn't gotten up
because I didn't have the willpower. I didn't have the motivation to get up and yet work on more of
my business trying to start something that I've been trying to start for 11 months by that point,
and still wasn't working. I just felt or eight months or long had been, and I was just exhausted,
and it just felt defeated, and it just felt pointless. And so I was procrastinating, getting
up and doing the same dadgum thing all over again today, just go to bed tonight, and it's still not
be any closer. And so I was lying there, and so I made the decision while I was lying there
to believe that to choose, okay, God loves me. And so I stood up right over there, and I made
that bed, and I got up, and I went into the shower that's right here, and I told the Lord,
you know, or I told myself, God is loving me right now.
He is enjoying me. And I made the choice that he was. This is how I learned about choice.
It's because it was the one thing I hadn't tried is to be powerful enough to make a decision that
it was so. Because I always thought that that's, that's like egotistical or man-centric. I wasn't
ever equating it before I, before I did that. I wasn't ever equating it with no, that's actually
stepping into owning, owning myself in the way that God always intended me to own myself.
So that I can finally give, I had the power then to give me to him. I didn't, couldn't give me to
him if I refused to take up me. So anyway, so then I would, you know, I'm in the shower and
I'm just like, I'm over it. Okay. I'm going to choose it. You know, God is enjoying me right
now. He's not telling me, well, you know, you, why aren't you starting on your business show
or whatever? Why? Because I just decided he wasn't. I just said, no, you know, I can't,
I can't handle too many, too many like contrary things that God could want and mean and whatever
right now. I can only choose one because I can't, I can't handle the fact that he might also be
wanting me to be getting up earlier and to do this and to be more disciplined. I can't handle
that. And the fact that he loves me. So I just had to abandon one for a while. And that's what
I was talking about the other day where I said, if you can't do both, if you can't obey God without
strife and effort, stop trying for a while. It doesn't mean that you're not going to obey God
and you're going to go out there and do drugs. It just means that you're going to stop being
so worried about it. That you're going to stop putting all this emotional energy into trying
and thinking like you've got to keep the balls in the air or everything's going to go to hell
in a hand basket. And God's going to hate you. He's going to start through the fighting. That's
what I'm talking about and just choose instead. Okay. Who does God say that he is? And let me
choose those good things. He says, it's good. He says, it's love. He said, he loves me unconditionally,
even when I said, okay, so let me look like it. I can, I can only hold one thing in my head right
now at a time, you know, is what I was thinking. So I'm going to just choose. It's just all
encompassing. And then I went in next, next to the shower and then I started getting ready and I was
doing the same thing. And then I went here, literally right here, right here, right there.
You're saying where it all happened. I was sitting right there and I was, and I just,
God is letting me do the dishes and he's, and, and enjoying the fact that he created physics
to work like this. And the fact that I meant that I'm clean and I'm loving order and I,
and I'm making my breakfast and I'm just whatever, you know, and so I just made those choices. And
that is how I brought God into everything it was I was doing. I know you probably have to go,
but that's what I'm saying. I was, I was just bringing everything in, um, to, uh, by, by
choosing that he was, he was says that he wasn't, that he was just always there. It was always there
and everything was good between us and let him deal with everything that wasn't good between us.
Let him deal with that later. Just right now. I just, I had to have a baseline that I could trust
him with everything it is in me that needed to be corrected. I needed a baseline of love
to start with. That's good. I get it. That helps me. It's like, it's not some miraculous,
it's just, just choosing that he's walking with me and living in me and love it to me. Okay.
Okay. It's always hard, but it's not, I know, I know it's not, it's simple. There's just reasons
why we're afraid. And so we just have to choose the simplicity and get over the fear. We just,
that's why I call it reckless abandon. It's just okay. Come what may awful things may happen,
but I'm pursuing God and just allow him to catch you, allow him to allow yourself to experience
that God actually does catch you, but you have to put yourself out there with no, uh, with no,
um, backup plan. I know. Really do it. Really do it. Yes, you will. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate
that extra 25, 30 minutes. I have a wonderful day. Bye.