Hey there, hi, sorry, that's okay.
How are you?
I'm doing good.
How are you?
Doing good.
Can you see me?
It looks a little bit dark in here.
Can you see me?
Very dark.
Let me try to get the light on.
Oh, cool, you've got a dimmer.
Yes, that's helpful, huh?
Oh, yes, very much.
Yeah.
Now I know who I'm talking to.
Yeah.
Good to see you.
Good to see you too.
So how did the concert go in the cathedral?
Oh, it went really well.
I posted a journey share, but then I couldn't find it again.
Yes, that's because, remember, the discussion group closes.
Oh, that's right.
But you've got all of the other stuff.
So it's the same thing as like being in a Facebook group and then once it closes,
well, then I leave that for the next group to come in.
So technically what I did with y'all's is I technically moved you out of the
group because that group is the one that everyone who's active is in.
So that's why you could see it and you couldn't,
but then you still have access to all of the, you know, all the information.
Yeah.
So you still have access to them anyway, but I mean, like,
as in all like all the teachings and whatever.
I was just wondering if that makes sense.
Yeah.
I posted what I think I was, I posted it on Sunday, like the second one.
And I think I shared a little bit there about.
How it went.
It was really, really.
Good.
I apologize. I haven't, I haven't watched it yet.
I'm going to, but here's, here's what's really, what's really odd.
Renata. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you.
You have been so faithful and always doing the journey.
This rest intensive.
The past process intensive.
Because I don't tell it to people because it's busy work and I want them
to have something to do for me.
I'd rather keep it as simple as possible.
And I'd rather not have journey shares. If people think that it's busy work.
It's not.
It's not busy work.
The reason I have it is because that's what helps people make all of the
difference. So some people were choosing to take advantage of it.
You know, of like the opportunity for themselves.
And then some weren't.
And basically you were the most faithful one to do it.
So very near and dear to my heart for a techie.
When I said, Hey, look,
I'm so glad you're here.
I never would have done it without you.
I never would have thought.
That's the one thing that's so wonderful about you,
that you've that you've always approached the programs that you've been
in with.
Amazing intention. So anyway, my, my point is I got, okay,
this is just you and me talking now.
I got so disappointed.
That people weren't.
You know,
I'm not sure how to say this.
But I got so disappointed.
And I was like, I'm not sure how to say this.
I'm not sure how to say this.
And I was like, okay,
I'm not sure how to say this because it doesn't feel like there is
investing as much, you know, in themselves now. Sure.
You were with me. We saw people change. We saw it.
And so I was like, okay, God, you're still doing a work. You know,
the journey shares aren't magic or anything.
But the thing is I got so used to people not interacting in that way
that I kept going on and finding that people weren't posting.
Yet, but that that that was me.
It was in this, in this.
So anyway, not just be, you know,
other people just decided that that was a,
just a bit more than they were than they were out of note.
Kind of.
And just currently where they were currently at,
but you and Annette, just, you know, y'all, y'all I posted.
You especially posted very faithfully, but I apologize.
I had just kind of like,
Just kind of written it off as no one's doing it.
So I will tell you what I'm going to do.
This as a result of this,
Then I am this next rest intensive.
I'm actually making the journey shares a requirement in order to get a
transformation session.
number of journey shares, well, then they get a transformation session, which is significant.
Currently, it's $200 an hour, usually, and I'm about to go up. So on that, so I'm like, hey,
people don't have to do journey shares, but then they don't get a transformation session.
So anyway, I'm like, what can I do to help encourage people to do the hard, vulnerable
thing? Because you've noticed not just for you in like, in like the benefit of you sharing your
heart and the journey share, but forcing you to kind of like articulate for yourself, what is
going on between me and the Lord, but also the great benefit that I think that you've gotten
in watching other people's journey shares. Like, so all of that is because people did them. So now
people, you know, whether or not they do journey shares, they get to benefit from other people
who've been vulnerable. Point is, it's extremely beneficial, and it has a multiplying effect.
You don't just get to affect the lives and the journey and encourage the people
that are in your group, but the people who come after that get to watch, you know, how someone
else was in a difficult position like them, and then, and see how their life has changed.
That's also part of the reason why I actually, why those are separated, and only people that
are active get to watch the journey shares is because they're private. I mean, they're private,
they're people being very vulnerable. So I only want people to have access to those very vulnerable
moments from other people. If they have decided to put themselves in that same vulnerable position
of like, Hey, I am choosing this for me and my walk with the Lord. And while they're active in
the, in the rest intensive, then they get access to like seeing other people's journey shares so
that they can get encouragement in their own journey. But then that, you know, while they're
not active, there's not access to other people's like private, you know, vulnerable stories. So
anyway, thank you so very much. Please know that it's not that it didn't mean something to me. It's
that it's that other people weren't doing it. And I was, and I started forgetting that people, that
a few people were doing it. So anyway, and so I'd forget to look, because I was so disappointed.
But anyway, that's between you and me. So I was also a little bit disappointed because
a few times that the Tammy posted, it's like, for me, it's very important in my walk. And it's also
like a discipline thing that you're like, okay, this is what I want to do in the program. And
actually assess that it's going to benefit me. So even if I didn't, I didn't understand it in
the beginning, I knew that it would, it was a good thing. And then I couldn't notice it after a while.
And you kind of get into the habit of, oh, yeah, it's Wednesday, I should be doing my first one,
so that I'll have another one. So you kind of have it. It's like, you're kind of like,
it's been really, really good. And I actually think it has really helped me to move into rest
and to really, sometimes I would go back and look at look at my own journey shares. Yes. Like,
oh, my gosh, that's what's going on. You know, standard at a deeper level, what's going on?
When I watched Tammy's, she sent the few and then Annette's, and then I wanted to be active. So I
commented on all of them. Yes. No one commented on mine. So then I was like, oh, I really wanted
to read it. You did you did. So that you could be encouraged. But I know I'm sorry, I noticed
everybody who just kind of like set back kind of watched and that's just what they chose,
you know, and that's fine. But I bet it's hard for me as a as a as a mentor, because I keep having
to remind people, okay, guys, this is not a teaching program. This is mentorship. In other
words, there is actual participation, but people only get out of it what they put themselves into
it. And so that's under their control. So anyway, but so tell me, you said that you go back and
watch your journey shares, and you noticed something. What is it that you said that you
noticed? You said that you noticed not only that it helped, but you said you started like,
noticing what how far you've come or starting to recognize what was going on? Yeah. Like I realized,
I realized what was actually going on. Like listening to myself and going back.
Oh, yeah, that's and then after the journey share what I had shared with like linger in my head.
So the next day or so like it would be like, oh, yeah, I talked about this in the journey share.
And then you commented and Annette commented, too, which was helpful. So then I get a little
bit of feedback, like, okay, so this is good. And, and, yeah, but it was very, very helpful
for me. And I think maybe it worked better in the last rest intensive, because then we were more
like active in each other's lives.
listening to each other and getting, learning from each other.
Correct. Yes, it was, it was very good. And would you believe that that's not even as
active as it used to be? Like last time wasn't even as active as it used to be. So I've kind
of noticed it kind of tapering off and I'm asking Lord, okay, Lord, what was, what was
there in the beginning? That's getting lost somewhere. So I'm talking Lord about it. And
I've got some, I'm very excited about the next rest intensive. I've got the fireside
chat that you are, I listened to the fire chat such as, and you said that you're going
to go down to three day to three weeks. I'm looking to do, I think I'm going to do four
weeks. I, I'd considered the three weeks. I don't know. I think I'm going to do four
weeks and I'm going to make it a, I plan on making it more in a, what would you call it
more? I might do three weeks, but I think I'm going to do four anyway, make it more
compact. So there's more in a shorter amount of time and also going to be focused on deeply
connecting with God and yourself. So specifically focusing on that aspect of rest and the foundation.
And because I've noticed, especially the past two times, the past two rest intensive, that
has been something that people really been, I don't know that the Lord just keeps highlighting
that people need is that deep connection with the Lord, with how to be with the Lord and
themselves. You know, how do we be with God and how do we be with ourselves? Because we
keep trying to avoid ourselves. And that's what I keep to what I want to kind of emphasize
and point out in the rest intensive is again, you know, the whole idea of like, we have
to have a free will in order to be able to give it to God. We have to have a free will
out of which to believe him, you know, cause I kept telling people, Oh, believe God, you
know, and shift into rest or whatever. They don't know how to make a decision. They're
not knowing how to make a free will choice. So then I'm having to do that so that they
can actually choose that God is who he says that he is. So I'm, I'm noticing I'm having
to go further and further back to be able, because there are just some deep woundings
that people have where they've disassociated from God because they don't believe he's safe
and they've disassociated from themselves. So anyway, I'm going to have an, it's going
to still be the rest intensive, but it's going to be focused on, you know, connecting with
the Lord, connecting with yourself very deeply. And so I'm doing a journal and then I'm possibly
doing like a group mass, like group texting, which I'm hoping is going to be more impactful
than even like the, the group messaging was. Um, and, um, and then also you were the first
person to know this. I plan, unless something changes in the next couple of weeks, I plan
to do all the teachings live again. No recording. Yeah. Well, I say no recordings. I mean, I'm
sure I'll do like put in, if people ask questions, then I'll provide the supplemental teachings
like I do like, Oh, well, I already have that teaching year ago. This will answer this question,
but like the root foundational teachings, I'm currently planning on doing all of those
lives. I haven't done those lives since I did that, that conference really anyway. So
I'm very excited. So anyway, my point is that every time I do a rest intensive, I'm always
looking back and saying, okay, so how are people participating? How are, what are they
getting out of it? Are they being helped? And if, or if there, if there seems to be
something missing somewhere, where is it? And how can I help fill in the gap? So anyway,
but that, but I just wanted to, sorry to interrupt. I had wanted to explain to you why I hadn't
listened to your journey share. It was simply because I kept forgetting. I had something
good and exciting to listen to because I always get excited about those journey shares. I
get so excited, you know, I'll stop whatever it is I'm doing, you know, when I listened
to him or whatever. And I keep forgetting. I have those things to listen to that somebody
actually posted. Go ahead. Please tell me, how did it go?
It went really well. It was, came a lot of people, quite a bit of cheap people. And I
don't know, old people, young people, former drug addicts. It was like, there's like very
normal people. And the feedback afterwards, we're having a debrief on Sunday, but some
of the feedback we were, we've been getting is that people were allowed to go deep with
Jesus for people personal, even just by listening to us. Yeah. Oh, that's wonderful. So it was,
yeah. And then I share also in the journey share that like, like what God has been leading
me to do afterwards. So I am, I am actually thinking and it goes, so after this, and then
we're going to do the concert.
again because I think that there's several like several churches or have asked us to do it and
different ventures and our venues and then so we're gonna continue with it and that's amazing
yeah it's really really cool and it's like me coming back on the horse again
I can tell that like in it something is happening when I'm singing again
great and what happened with like the the preparing for it you know how you kept
and you were struggling to be disciplined to prepare for it and you kept getting triggered
how did all that go I think you gave me some advice on it and it was about yes you said
to choose it to let go of your old way of disciplining yourself and to choose that you
are a son of god and that this is what I choose to do I choose to want to learn this lyrics
kind of like and then I don't know if I got all of it but I got the rough idea about it so I spent
some time just choosing it and I did spend some time preparing not as much as I would like to or
normally do but I think I'm learning like this is something like I'm learning too yeah yeah yeah
that's wonderful I'm so excited for you you don't you seem pretty pretty chill about it are you
happy yes I am I also am really like I feel that now that I'm I'm coming more into
co-creating with god and that I'm getting the concept of sometimes like it doesn't matter
like when I get something or I want to do something before it was more like oh is this
god is it not god oh if it's god then I need to do it I need to be obedient and what if it's not
god then I don't have to do it like a little bit more like that but now when I have ideas I'm more
like well it doesn't matter if it was god or if it was me we might do it together not like it doesn't
matter but you know what I mean I know it's kind of more like okay maybe it was my idea maybe it
wasn't god telling me but I'm co-creating with him so I think I would like to try it and then I'm
going to invite him to come with me and we can do it together so I'm not like so tense about is it
god or is it not god you know it's kind of more like we're doing it together and then also you
have to take more responsibility for your dreams because the ideas and thoughts you have it's not
like you can just oh if it's god it's going to happen or that he's going to take the responsibility
or he will open doors it's more like okay now I have to really own this yeah and it's my idea
it's not like I can just put it on the shelf it's god it's no I have this idea and then
yeah it just feels like I need to take more responsibility for it but in the same time
it's also freeing so yeah yeah good oh that's wonderful and it's always you know we just we
do it like you said we do this together with the lords we're like okay lord you know I don't know
if this is your idea or my idea but whosoever it is what do you think about it should we do it
together you know whatever so that's that's wonderful I'm very excited for you so what else
what else how else are you doing or do you have any questions or any struggles how are you doing
like just generally with with people you know that you've been struggling with and you know
with a heartache and the pain and just um you know with like past relationships or current
relationships or whatever so overall how is that going uh I have like I told you I think I
shared this that I have spent time with Jesus going back into the memories of what happened
and ask him where he was at and I feel like it got that it's been getting a little better
after that it's still some of the things are still a bit painful because the friendships
aren't restored but I I felt all the time that he tells me that I'm free and that that it's not
that I'm not wanting to restore like I've really reached out to restore um and um kind of like
okay this part they weren't willing for some reason to to receive this part of me or our
friendship or they weren't willing to to work it out yeah and and that kind of like
so then I can't carry it anymore like if if they at some point later want to come into my life then
then we can talk about it and I can open up again but for now I can
just let it go and be free.
So I feel better about it, but it's still painful.
But I'm also trying to learn how to confront
and what not to confront and to feel like what is,
I'm thinking a lot about what is my responsibility?
Is there new ways to do it?
And like who, and you mentioned some things
with maybe sometimes you shouldn't
because God wants your energy somewhere else.
Like if people aren't receiving you,
then there are others that will, God has something else.
But then another, some other friends have told me
that they see a lot of fruit with me in those things.
So I think I'm thinking a lot about that
and asking God if there's new ways,
things he wants to teach me in relationship
and how to relate to people.
Yeah.
Now, one of the things that you can do,
cause you said, there's still some herd and whatever.
Obviously you can go back into those places
and ask the Lord, okay, Lord, now that we're here,
go back into that memory and you ask the Lord,
where he is and all of that.
And you just ask him,
is there anything that you'd like to tell me?
Is there anything you'd like me to know?
Anything about, I don't know, just whatever about,
and it'll usually be about you and him.
Like something that he wants you to know
about how he sees you or feels about you
or what was really going on in the situation.
In other words, Renata,
it really wasn't about you at all.
You were at the wrong place at the wrong time
and got the fire of the fact that they just had a bad,
you know, experience on the highway
and you were the first person that saw them after that.
And so you've got the time lashing, you know, or whatever,
or it could just be, you know, that you'd be like,
you know, what it is that they say it,
that have said about you isn't true.
And he could like, might put your himself
between the two of you, or he might, I don't know,
just do whatever.
So anyway, so that is helpful.
And another thing that's helpful is the same thing
that when you and I had walked through forgiveness
of your, I think it was with your mom, was it your mom?
It was.
And then we can do, yeah, and then we can cut,
and then you can cut those ties and connections,
whether it be a soul tie,
or it just kind of be connection with that person
that was built when they said the things that they did,
when y'all had your interaction,
and there was some kind of a tie,
some kind of a connection that too,
for between you and them related to that hurt.
And that's something you can go before the Lord
and declare that yourself to be completely freed from,
completely so that it leaves them free and you free
to enjoy each other without being connected
in a negative way, you know,
connected by negative events or whatever.
And then you'll feel more free with them,
even if they aren't wanting to connect with you,
even if they're, you know,
meaning like they're not wanting to, you know,
be friends right now or be in relationship or whatever,
they will, you won't feel,
your sense of peace won't feel disrupted by their choice.
You know?
So anyway, that's something else you can do
with the Lord as well,
and see if that brings you some more additional healing
to some of those areas.
Thanks.
And I actually had a couple of things
that I wanted to ask for today.
I don't know how much time we have,
but I can just start.
Oh yeah, absolutely.
And one of the things are,
something that it's very,
it's connected to what I,
because Annette and I have started, you know,
like to love our bodies,
like the weight thing and all those things.
And today I showed,
and what it basically is,
there's no easy way to say it,
or like, I don't know,
it's, there's some root of, I don't know,
of self-hatred in me that comes back
to rejection of being a little baby, I think.
And there's something,
and today I,
at my class and I showed them a picture
because of various reasons,
I showed them a picture of me when I was a dancer.
That was like probably 20 pounds ago,
at least 25 pounds ago.
And for some reason, just showing it to them,
me as a dancer, brought a lot of like,
afterwards I was in a lot of pain and shame.
And I don't know if it was because I showed them
or if it was like, that's how I used to look
or, and now I don't love myself.
I just can tell that I'm, I have put on weight
and I'm struggling really to love myself.
So when I come out, I decided every time I go out
out of the shower, I'm gonna look at myself
and choose to love my body.
And then I'm gonna tell myself
that you don't have to change.
But then I can tell that it's really hard.
I do it, but it's not, I don't know if it's working.
And I feel like this self-hatred thing sits so deep
and it just manifests with,
it was there when I was super skinny too.
So I know, and I know it's not just the body,
it's also face, but it's kind of gotten worse
when I've put on weight.
And also, so I could discipline it for years
and like lose the weight.
Yeah.
But now when I can't discipline myself
and I'm trying to walk through it
and lose weight and rest, I can tell that,
and it's not working really so far,
or not that it's not working.
I think there are things happening,
but I'm not at this point losing weight
and I can still feel very negative about my body
and my looks, I think.
And so what it is, it's like shame and condemnation.
And it was just interesting
that I was gonna talk to you about it today.
And then this live thing happened
with the students today.
I'm just like, this is exactly what it is.
I do something and then I end up in a lot of like,
it's like, I want to crawl into myself
and not be a little baby again
and just take care of my wound.
It's just really, really painful.
Yeah.
Well, one of the things that came to mind is,
and I know that this is very strange,
but self-hatred is just kind of like a different way
to think about it.
So my only point in bringing this up
is to just kind of like flush it out,
make it kind of like,
help increase our understanding in other words,
is that self-hatred is also pride.
Because it's saying that our opinion of ourselves
is more important than what God says that we are
and who God says we are.
So it's a very odd, surprising way to kind of look at it.
And then you can think of it
as like the pride of self-hatred,
is kind of like a little phrase of like,
oh, that's what that is.
And self-hatred is absolutely something
that can be overcome.
And you just, again, we have to choose as our reality.
Well, yeah, but who does he say that I am?
Remember, we can't convince ourselves.
So when you're looking at your body, for instance,
because that's the practical exercise
that you've chosen to go through, which I think is great.
I love how you're choosing practical ways
to act out your faith.
You're like, no, if I'm choosing that this is true,
what would I do?
I do this.
So, you know, you act on it.
And so anyway, when you're looking at yourself,
remember that you're not trying to love your body for,
I don't want, how should I,
you're not willing to look at your body
and then look at all the things that you like
and look at all the things that you don't like
and trying to like it because of those things.
So that is a hard one to try to like ourselves in,
you know, if that's a really hard like circumstance.
I think that's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, right.
Because it's like, yeah,
but I don't want to like that thing.
I don't like it, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the thing is, again,
what we're trying to do then is we're keep thinking
that we're supposed to get,
that we're supposed to give approval for acting out.
Like say, for instance, the body is like acting out.
It's throwing a temper tantrum and now it looks like this.
you know, or it's trying to protect itself.
And this is the modality that it chose.
You know, this is how it chose to do.
It chose to add fat here and fat there and whatever.
And like, Hey, look, I don't like your actions.
I don't like the decision that you made.
I don't like how, what it resulted in.
And we keep thinking that we're supposed to go from.
I don't like it too.
Oh, I like it.
And no wonder we have a hard time.
You don't have to like it.
You don't have to like what happened.
You don't have to like how it, you know, like the roles and the curves here and
there that you didn't plan on.
And, you know, you don't have to overcome that.
You don't have to change your sense of, of what you prefer or what you like or
what you think is attractive or what you want.
You don't have to change that.
What you do is you have to look deeper than the outcome.
Like what happened?
Well, I got a bulge here and I got a bulge there.
Well, that's not your body.
That's not the essence of your body.
Your body isn't what happened.
Your body is the thing that, that caused what happened.
In other words, that gave the instruction to the two different parts of you to start
storing fat here and to start storing fat there and to make the decision to do that
and whatever, that's your body.
It's an entity that in a manner of speaking has a will.
So think of it like our body in a manner of speaking has a will, our soul has a
will, and peoples even say that our spirit has a will.
In other words, all of them have ability, have a, have a sense of self that can
make a decision, you know, the body reflects the, okay, it's not the same
thing, but let it, this is the only thing that's kind of coming to mind, kind of
like that.
So I know it might be hard for us to think of like the body is having a will, but
think of it similar to the fact that, especially if it's not the decision
making aspect of us, the decision making aspect of it is I personally believe I
could very well be wrong, but I personally believe it's in the soul.
A lot of people believe it is in the soul.
It may not be, it really doesn't matter.
The point is the general idea of it gets us where we're wanting to go.
And so, um, and so the thing is that, uh, it's hard for us to think, okay, well, if
the decision making part of us is in the soul and, and that's kind of like the
gatekeeper of like, what is going to come down from the spirit and what is going to
be locked up and we're not going to give access to the spirit and that, well, if
that's the gatekeeper, well then our body apparently just takes orders and is kind
of a robot, but our, our body is not, it's more than a robot.
Same thing, like sometimes we think, uh, so think of a body relationship to the
soul, and I really don't want to use this, this example, but just work with me here.
And let's see if it's helpful is similar to kind of like a dog compared to us.
It has a soul, but it can't be saved, but it has a soul.
It can, it can decide whether or not to obey us and whether or not it likes
us and whether or not it trusts us.
Right.
So, but, so it's kind of the same thing.
It's like the body actually has a sense of, of like self that is meant to
function in a particular way.
And it tends to take instruction.
It tends to look at the soul and wonder, okay, how am I supposed to reflect that?
Okay.
I'll reflect that, you know, so what are we believing today?
Soul.
Okay.
So I can express that into the physical realm.
So it, so, um, it's more than just a robot.
I don't think that the body is something that this, that has all these levers
that the soul is pulling.
I think that the body kind of has its own sense of self.
I know that that might sound really weird.
And I hope that this is coming across the way I mean it.
I don't mean like the body is different than the soul and different from the
spirit and the fact that they each can be saved, you know, because there are
three different people or something.
I don't mean that.
I just mean, remember that your body hears you.
It hears you as an entity spoken directly.
It, in other words, it can be directly addressed separate from the soul.
It can be directly addressed.
That's my point.
You can call it by name.
Think of your spirit, your soul, and your body all having different names.
It has a name that it, that it comes attention to.
That's what I'm trying to say.
So I hope none of this sounded too weird because I was really just basically
trying to create pictures with my words.
And I'm not trying to like, give you some doctrine.
So the body, you know,
It's just kind of see it like that, see it as something that has a right to be acknowledged
on its own. That's what I'm trying to say. It has a right, it has a voice, it matters,
it has value. And so that thing, address that thing, love that thing, accept that thing.
It's the thing that's making the decisions about whether it should store fat or not,
or whether it should send water to the brain or blood to the heart. The body collectively,
it's remember that all of your cells are living organisms, not organisms, but they're living
things. They actually have life in them, meaning that they emanate light, by the way. But anyway,
I digress. Point is that it really, your body really is a living thing. And then all of the
aspects of you, like all of the cells in your body are living. So that makes up your whole
body. And it's with all of it, it's always reading the instructions and the DNA, and then carrying
them out and deciding, are we under threat or not? Okay, being under threat, what are we going to do?
Say for instance, if your body is under threat, you might eat more, but somebody else's body
that's under threat, they eat less. And then they go down to a scarecrow. So even though we have,
even though our bodies operate according to certain physics, they make different decisions.
Now I'm sure some of those decisions are our souls, but the point is that the body is,
is, I don't know, it, it, it, that's what I'm, my point is I'm trying to, to kind of help,
kind of create this understanding that the body is this entity that needs to be accepted,
not all of the, everything about you, like, oh, this bulge here and this bulge there. And
oh my goodness, I'm supposed to like it and accept it. No, you don't have to like it,
but you have to accept the body that made the decision to put it there because it thought it
was, because it was afraid. There was a reason why it did what it did. So you don't have to approve
of its decisions, but it needs to know from you that you fully in love and accept it regardless
of the decisions it's been making. That's, does that make sense? It makes sense.
Hmm. That there's something there that I'm not accepting because I actually don't live very
unhealthy. I live pretty healthy. So there's what, it's one weird that I would put on weight and it
gathers in just one spot. So I think that there is like, like you're saying,
there is something that there is something that it's not.
That it is afraid or it feels under threat. It's an emotional reaction based off of what
soul is believing. It's like storing up something because if I could see that I lived very
unhealthily, like there would be, but the thing is like for me to lose weight, if, and I have been,
I have to live extremely disciplined in a way that most people can't live and I can't either.
So, and I, and I'm thinking that's not how God created us to live.
And so if I eat very little and watch everything I eat, I will lose. And then I can do that for
half a year and then I can't, and then I eat normal and, and so it's just like something
out of balance and it makes sense that you're saying that, that there is an entity higher
or like, that is like leading the body or takes, or like makes commands to the body
that is not feeling safe. So then it goes into, Oh, I need to preserve this. And if you eat normal,
like you have to live on minimum. And if not, you will, I don't know, there's something there.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so, and, and whether that's, and a lot of what you're talking about
is really in the, um, is really beliefs that the soul and the body are holding, you know,
about the fact that they're abandoned, they're alone, they've got a, there's all of this stress.
And so therefore they have to preserve and they have to fight. They have to be ready after
whatever. And it's, it's, it's stronger than the laws of physics, because you're saying, Hey, look,
I'm not eating very much. And my body is using that little bit to gain weight.
You know, like that scientifically should not be going on, you know, and it's because.
it's being triggered by it's, it's the, it's emotional response is overpowering its physical
response. You know, in other words, following the laws of physics, it's, it's actually reacting
more to your beliefs than, than, than what physics then instead of following so much,
the laws of physics, so to speak, it's a little more. A little different than that,
but that's kind of the general idea. So the thing is, it just kind of, you know, it's evidence
that we are you know, that we're more than obviously just this physical
response system, but that our body actually is making decisions off of what it is that our soul
is believing. What is our soul allowing and coming into agreement with related to the,
related to the spirit? And then is the body going to come into submission with that as well?
So, but yeah, so anyway, that is the thing that, that you want to unconditionally love and accept.
So is the entity that we call the body. That's what you're wanting to accept. That's what you're
wanting to unconditionally love and just fully accept and not require it to be any different
than what it is and what it believes. And the fact that it's afraid and the fact that it's mad
and the fact that whatever you just love it, it doesn't mean that you agree with all of its
decisions and how it's coming to those conclusions, but you love it unconditionally. And in order to
prove it to the body that you really do love it unconditionally, regardless of its decisions that
it's making in order to protect, in order to, you know, in an out of fear and out of anger and all
of that, in order to prove that you have to be a safe space to, to fully accept it, even in the
state of fear, the state of extra weight, the state of, you know, ultra protection that it's
exuding where it's trying to protect itself from you. You have to fully love and accept it being
like that. It doesn't mean that you agree with its decision. You have to love and accept that body,
meaning like the entity of it, even though it's acting like it is, then it will realize, oh,
so you really are serious. You really are accepting me for who I am because I am showing up
in all the ways that you don't want me to show up. And you say that I don't have to be like this
and you're not requiring me to change anymore. Maybe I actually am safe with you.
And then therefore, because your body is not acting according to the way that God intended
it to function. And so therefore it takes a lot of effort for your body to operate the way that
it's operating because it's not natural. So it requires a lot of energy, meaning like it's not
natural to the way that God made it, you know, cause he made it to function in response to
being protected and provided for and it not having to do it. It's simply living,
it simply getting to live and bask in the enjoyment of being taken care of.
That is, and then it has all of its jobs and functionality that are intended to operate
under being taken care of, not with this extra responsibility of now having to take care of
itself too. That's not usual. I mean, that's not the way that God intended it. So when it's having
to start protecting itself because it's afraid and it thinks it's abandoned and that nobody else
is going to take care of it, meaning like the soul's not going to take care of it or the spirit's
not going to take care of it or whatever. So it's just like, okay, you know, batting down the hatches
me. I'm not, I wasn't equipped me as body. I wasn't equipped to make these kinds of decisions.
So therefore I'm immature in making these decisions. Okay. What's the best thing I
can come up with? Okay. Uh, start storing fat because that's what we do in order to store up
for the winter. So, or if, if someone is going into starvation mode in order to keep the body
as alive, as long as possible. So we're under emotional stress, therefore high alert. Okay.
The only protection mode I know is putting on weight. I mean, just think about it. Does putting
on weight related to stress make any sense whatsoever? No, it just, it doesn't, it doesn't
make any sense. It can't putting on weight, extra weight doesn't protect us.
stress. Extra weight can protect us from cold. Extra weight cannot protect us from stress. So
what on earth is it? It's the only protection mode that the body knows. So that's what it goes into.
So the thing is, it doesn't know what it's doing. It wasn't created to have to function like that.
It wasn't created to have to make those serious, heavy decisions like that. That was the spirit's
responsibility. So anyway, the body's just doing what it knows how to do. So you have to come in
and prove to it by loving and accepting it just the way, even while it's being all of that. And
then it'll finally realize, oh, you mean I can go back to my natural default state where I didn't
have to protect myself and I could go back to my normal everyday functions because I don't have to
abandon those because I now have this additional one called protecting myself. Now that someone
else is willing to protect me, I can do my normal thing that God created, meaning I now no longer
need this bat. I no longer need this. I no longer need that. And it starts functioning the way that
God always intended it to now that it's no longer carrying the extra load of protecting itself.
So it finally feels safe enough with you to give up that job of having to protect itself.
That's why all of these things kind of happen. And, and then, so I, so is it more clear about
what I'm talking about when I say the actual entity of the body itself is the thing that
you're looking to accept? I'm not fully getting it, I think, but I'm getting the concept of making
instructions and there's something bigger than just the body that I look at and like, or not like,
there's something in it that gives instructions to it. So it's not about liking what you didn't
like, like you said, but it's like talking to the body as an entity and to the part of the body that
makes the decisions, not like the certain body parts. And like, I like you, but I don't really
like you. Correct. It's the entity of the body itself. So think of it, think of yourself, maybe
this will help, but always remember when you're doing this, you have to shift into the spirit,
because if you don't shift into the spirit, your body doesn't have any king to respond to,
you know, any king, any son of God to respond to, and that's what you're wanting it to do.
You're wanting it to respond to a son of God, because that's what it was created to respond to.
So that's the thing that'll keep it safe. And that's the only thing that can love it
unconditionally. So you have to shift into your spirit. And remember, do that by doing things like,
you know, going through the identity exercise where you tell, where you say, you know, Jesus,
you know, I was taken out of you. And I believe I've been inserted back into you and I abide in
you and you abide in me and we abide in the father and the father abides in us. And therefore I'm
always about my father's business. Okay. All of a sudden I remember who I am. And then from that
place that love your body, you know, and fully accept your body kind of like, you know, that,
did you watch the healing your soul through your spirit? Did you watch my video on that,
that I posted? Did you post it recently? Yes. Yeah, I did. So I'm sorry.
You watch it, but I will watch it. Okay. So in it, I talk about a vision that I had
and, and in the vision, I saw all three parts of the person. I saw their body, I saw their soul,
and I saw their spirit and I watched how they interacted. And anyway, that it's, it's a,
so think again about, so anyway, I think that that'll be helpful. I think that Diana mentioned
on the fireside chat, she's watched it five times, you know, and then Tammy says she's watched it at
at least once and may have watched it multiple times by now. And so anyway, my point is that
that might help. And when you, and in it, I kind of talk about how a spirit presents itself to
the body or to a, in, in that particular vision, it was a wound, but, oh yeah, I know.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've listened to it several times. Oh, okay. Well, good. I thought
it was helpful. So anyway, just holds the wound and all of that. And just, and he doesn't even
say anything. He doesn't fix it. He doesn't tape it. He didn't glue it. He just holds it
and he presents who he is. And then the heart is like, oh, oh, so you're here. So that's who I am
because the, the, the wound identified itself. In other words, the part of the person that was
hurting, that's the wound identified itself. In other words, God is identity from the son of God.
So in other words, it didn't know who he was until, because who he is, is based off of who the
that person that, who that son of God is, you know, a son of God.
the son of God, Jesus, you know, but you know, then, then the
woman was like, Oh, if that's who you are, then that's who I
am. I can't identify myself until I know you. And now that I
know, you know, I knew me. So that's what it was. And that
healed it. Because this, this, you know, the spirit man, you
could just tell it and then the soul, the wound is just like,
Oh, that's all I needed. And then of course, you know, the
soul is looking on is like, Oh, apparently, that's how you do
it, because it didn't know. And, and now why was I telling
you all of that I was talking about? Oh, maybe I was talking
about like, how to talk to it? Oh, yes. Okay. So in shifting
into the, so you want to shift into the spirit, because it's
the spirit man that needs to love on, you know, this, the
soul and the body. And when you, and then, sorry, I lost my
train of thought. And then when you do that, what is it? Oh,
that's what it was. Okay. So when remember that when you're
standing there looking at your body, you're probably thinking,
Oh, that's me, I recognize me. That's the problem. shift into
your spirit, you know, by doing that exercise, if that's what's
helpful, or maybe you don't even you're so used to it. Now you
don't even need to do the exercise. And you remember you
are. And then that thing, that being that spirit, look at your
body, that body is not your identity, but it is part of you,
because your spirit, your soul and your body, but that body is
not your identity. So think of it just to kind of help
yourself in how to like love it or think of it as like an entity
or whatever, separate yourself from your body, as if it's like
that wound or whatever. And it needs you to love it and accept
it and affirm it like a parent. So do so because if you're in
your body, looking at yourself in the mirror, and you're
thinking, Oh, that's me, I'm trying to love me, that's really
hard. Especially if you're trying to find what it that what
is the thing inside, inside all of those curves and all side of
those that fat that I don't like and all of the whatever it is
I'm seeing what's in there, we keep finding me. But remember,
your sense of me is what needs to love it. So to kind of like
help yourself shift into your spirit and think of your body as
separate from you. It's not separate from you. But think of
it like this separate aspect of you that needs to be loved on as
if it's a child. And maybe that'll help, you know, kind of
like zero in on loving that woman standing in front of you,
loving not just the woman as if like her person, it not the
personality, the body, the actual body, that actual
physical body that has that head and that shoulder and you know,
and the legs and all of that, that body right there. And love
that thing, you know, love it and it's send out love to it,
love it as if it's another person, you know, you just send
out love to it, love on it and be for it. In other words, be
for that aspect of yourself, your body, what you've always
wanted is someone to be for you, what you've always wanted to
someone to believe about you and affirm you in and love you
unconditionally in where no matter how you acted out, you
could be fully accepted and not even be required to, to
apologize, in order to be still be allowed to be at the table
and have just the same amount of connection as, as before you
did it, you know, that kind of a thing, fully love and accept it
in whatever state that it's presenting itself. And know that
it's that it's, it's just scared. It just doesn't know
it's believing a lie. And what it's doing is it's thinking
everybody else is wrong. So I have to figure out what to do.
That's right. And that's protect myself, everybody else is being
mean to me, everybody else, including God is attacking me.
So I have to do the right thing by keeping all this together.
Your body is trying to do the right thing. It's making the
wrong choice. But its intention is trying to do the right thing.
Love that thing. The poor thing is not trying to rebel. It's
thinking it's making the right choice. It's self preserving.
It's thinking God is the bad guy. And so it's thinking it's the
only right guy. The body's the only right guys, but it's
you depend on yourself. I need myself. Yeah, right. Because the
world is not protecting me.
Exactly. God is, you know, my own spirit is me that it's so we can have a lot more compassion
for it. If we, if we see that it's just trying to do the right thing, it's making the wrong decision,
but it can't, it's hard. It's struggling to correct itself. Remember that it's the kindness
of God that leads to repentance. So therefore it's a lot harder for the body to get over
and to self-correct under condemnation and shame, but it can very easily and very quickly change
under kindness. And we're the one that provides that kindness that it's never known. So if we tell
it that it is safe, we have to prove it. We have to create a safe world for it, you know,
by our spirit. I don't mean world is in like what happens to it. That is just what it is. You know,
God helps us with that, but we have to provide a safe environment in which no matter what happens
to it, the spirit will cover and protect it. We have to create the world in which that body
gets to exist. In fact, that like, okay, no matter what happens to me, I have a sense of
belonging. I know who I am. I'm protected. I'm provided for, even if this virus comes against
me, even if this, I don't know, whatever comes against me, you know, but yeah, helpful.
It's very helpful. Okay. Okay. And so you said you had something else.
Yeah. This is really good. I think I need to watch it again, but it's like,
I'm getting lots of like inputs. It's really good. But yes, the last thing was that I wanted
to mention is I just felt that I wanted to mention it and I don't know what your thoughts are. So it
wasn't like, Oh, I really need this. It was more like, I think I'm supposed to mention this. Okay.
And it's like, I'm single. And I've prayed for my husband for many years.
And there's something in it. I don't know. That's, I don't know if it's not released or I'm not
really. I believe for many years that God has a husband for me. And he hasn't come. And I'm kind
of like, I don't feel like I'm in resistance against, I'm more in the like, Oh, but I'm okay
being single. I don't really miss it. I'll be okay. And then I'll have times where I really miss
it, but I'm kind of independent. And I don't really, I don't really feel like I grieve a lot
that I haven't had children or that I'm single, but I, there's something there that I believe is
really important that I don't know if it's something that needs to switch in me, my heart,
that I actually start longing for it and pray more earnestly for it, or believe God, maybe it is some
kind of hopelessness, but I'm past 40 and it hasn't happened. And then I've kind of been like,
Oh, but I can manage on my own. Kind of like with the body, I can protect myself. I can take care
of myself. So I actually don't miss it until suddenly I'll be like, I really long for it.
So there's some kind of, I don't know if it's a disconnect or if I'm not really honest or not in
connection with myself or if I stopped believing God, but there's something about a husband that
I believe is a promise, but then it's not happening. And I don't know if I, if the Lord
wants me, like, you know, like you're starting to co-create with God. If there's something there
that you need to take and co-creating meets also take more responsibility for your dreams
in a way, like take more responsibility for something that I actually believe God spoke
to me more than 20 years ago. There's something there that's kind of like unfinished or un,
it's not resolved or fruitful. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So here's what is coming to mind. You can just
take this as something to, you know, just kind of ping against your spirit, ask the Holy spirit,
you know, Lord, you know, is this, is this true? Does this resonate? And that is, there's two
different ways that we can, that we're acting in resistance to surrender. One is, and so this
is what happened to me when I wasn't, when I wanted to be asked out, but I wasn't getting asked out.
And so as soon as I broke it, I was asked out that week.
So Ed and I started dating that week, but a few days after I prayed this, this prayer.
So anyway, what, uh, what can happen is we can either be holding tightly on to something
because a lot of times, you know, when I've talked about the, how surrender really works.
The example that I've used is as holding tightly onto something that we don't want to let go
and we tell God, okay, God, you know, my, uh, you tell me to surrender.
So, um, I, what I'm doing is I'm surrendering to you and I'm, therefore I'm giving you permission
to come and rip this out of my hands and take it from me.
And so we, we plan on fighting him tooth and nail, but if God wins, well then, okay, well,
you know, I couldn't help it.
I tried, I did my best, right.
To, to hold on to it.
But, uh, it is what we're thinking, but God's like, that's not surrender, but the other,
you know, the surrender is doing what Abraham did, you know, and which I'll walk through
in just a second.
But the other way in which we resist is not where we're holding onto something, but rather
that we've built a protective wall and we're not letting it in.
I was like, Hey, I don't want it.
I don't, I'm not asking you to give me something.
I just want you to let me in.
And so it's like a lack of, you know, speaking, coming full circle to the beginning of our
conversation, you know, talking about vulnerability.
It's that lack of vulnerability with the Lord or with, or, or openness and the vulnerability
of our own heart to be risked or whatever, you know, go through the whole process or
openness and vulnerability Lord or whatever.
But the thing is we've got this protection up and we're like, okay, you know, God.
And then in that instance, it's, it's, it's resistance.
And so in that instance, we're like, okay, God, you're telling me to surrender.
So I've got my wall and you're telling me to surrender.
So, okay, Lord, you can break down the wall.
I'm giving you permission.
Well, what we're, even though God's love does break down our walls, it does that when we
give them to him for him to break, but it's as a, but what we do is we're like, no, I
intend to like uphold this thing as strong and as, you know, as hardy as I can.
And I'm giving God permission to do his best to overcome me and overpower me.
And therefore, what's the word?
Oh, shoot.
I forgot the word, but, but yeah, just overpower me and, and win and, oh, well, the walls came
down and I did my best.
And that's what we think surrender is.
No, you've got, you've got to let down the wall and the whole let down the wall, you
know, it's just really like, okay, stop, stop fighting against him.
And then either put the wall down or for like, God, I can't, it's, it's the type of wall
God that I can't put down.
Then we bring ourselves to him and allow his love to topple it, but we can't be holding
it up anymore.
I mean, like not at all.
Again, we take those walls to the altar, take our hands off and back up is what Abraham
did.
Cause remember that God talked to Abraham and all, you know, all he told him was, Hey,
give me your son, Isaac.
I want you to sacrifice your son, Isaac.
That's what he told Abraham.
Abraham did all the rest.
He had to plan and make preparations to go on this long journey.
Then who knows what he had to figure out how to tell Sarah.
And then what he figured out to tell Isaac and all of the servants.
And then he travels as a very old man for three days.
And then, and then he, uh, and then he tells all of the, all of the servants to stay.
And then he and Isaac are the last ones to get like the last bit again, as a very old
man, he has to climb the mountain and then he, and, uh, and then he and Isaac go up the
Mount Moriah and then build an altar.
And, you know, and then he has to put his son on the altar.
Abraham did everything.
God asked him or commanded him or invited him.
However you want to see it.
He, he did that.
He's like, this is what I invite you to, to, to have with me.
And, uh, and I'm asking for your son, Isaac.
And so Abraham is the one who did everything to get Isaac to him.
And he was going to kill him.
He lifted the knife above the body.
It says, you know, like lifted it up right over his son.
You know, it was going to kill him.
And so that's what surrender is.
Surrender is actually going is God inviting us, but us going through all of the effort.
And by that, I don't mean sweat or anything, but us doing us actually doing the thing.
To take this thing that we love so much and put it on the altar, let go of it, and back off.
Because that is finally acting on our faith.
Is God safe or not?
We're entrusting this with God.
Like, okay, God, I choose you over this.
So even if you burn this in the fire, I choose you over this.
I completely give this up in order to have you.
That's the trade that we're making.
We're making a trade.
And then, and so anyway, we're making that trade, and we're completely giving it up to the Lord.
And what it is that we're doing is, or why that's so hard, I should say, is for the same reason that you've mentioned earlier.
That when you, for instance, when we co-create with God, we have to take on a responsibility.
It's the same thing with sacrifice or with, you know, this surrender.
We feel like we're abandoning our baby.
The baby wasn't kidnapped out of our control, and we did our best to try to protect it.
There's no excuse.
We don't have any excuse.
If something bad happens to the thing that we loved when we gave it to the Lord, we don't have anyone to blame but ourselves.
Because we're the ones who gave it to him and abandoned it.
And that terrifies us.
Because again, like you said, with co-creating, we have to take the responsibility.
Now again, when something, when we give something to the Lord, that even though something could happen that we're like, well, that's not what I would have wanted or chosen or whatever, and we could call it bad.
If we really know the Lord, what we're going to actually discover is no, by actually surrendering it to him, we actually got the good thing.
Because whatever came out of that exchange is always better than what we gave up.
Which is a deeper subject, which is like, what we're always giving up is flesh.
And then what God does is in Christ, anything that we surrender to him always gets transformed into spirit and given back to us, and anything that is of spirit can never die.
Only flesh can die, spirit cannot.
So God always promises that anything, any flesh that dies in Christ or is surrendered to Christ, anything that we sacrifice, anything that we give up.
So say, for instance, all of the things that you're protecting, the aspect of yourself that you're protecting, you know, your heart and all the possibilities of what could happen and the pain that could happen and whatever.
And you entrust all of that to God.
And then what's going to happen is God is going to replace all of the flesh that you gave him, all of that fear, all that fear of death, all of that fear of disappointment, all of that, whatever, he's going to change it to spirit.
And in that aspect of you, that you surrender will never die again because it's been changed to spirit. It's no longer flesh, it's now spirit and it'll be eternal.
And so that's a little, it's a little bit of a higher concept for us to even talk about that's even necessary to talk about right now.
But I just couldn't help pulling out the whole point of when we actually do bring something to God, he always makes it better and eternal when it wasn't before.
It was always subject to death before and now it's not, but we don't get to choose the form in which it's returned to us. What does it look like a spirit? How did we interact with the spirit, but it's always better.
And so anyway, but it's really hard for us to actually risk that God really is, it can be entrusted with it, and that God really is that good.
That's what we're risking. And we all know in concept that God's good, but then why don't we trust him more than we do? Why don't we give him all aspects of ourselves?
Why do we keep saying no? Why do we keep being afraid? Why do we keep like trying to come up with reasons of why we haven't done it yet?
It's because we don't actually believe it's true. So it's faith is risky. It's putting it, it's actually saying yes, when this whole time we've said no.
And all everything that'll come as a result of finally saying yes, you know, actually surrendering all of that to the Lord and like, okay, God, I'm going to entrust you with it.
I just, I, and if you say that you're good, I expect that you're good. And I expect that good will be that, that you will manifest yourself as good in your interaction with that thing.
I just surrendered. And, but we, but good again, isn't determined by what happens. So God is good.
regardless of what happens. In fact, whatever happens is God
being good. Whatever happens when you surrender is God being
good. So, so anyway, but that's what it is that we're risking
we're risking is God really who he says that he is. We're no
longer the judge of what happens. I'm simply the observer
and the third party beneficiary that gets to receive the
blessing from what happens. That's a lot. I just gave you a
lot.
Did it at least resonate that sometimes we're in resistance
when we don't feel like it and it's not that we're holding on
to something. It's that we've got the walls up. You got the
walls up against men or got the what got the walls up against
vulnerability towards people or towards God or towards what if
I date and date and date and then I just never marry. I mean,
those are actual like fears that we subconsciously can have, you
know, so whatever it is, you know, some kind of a protection
that is that's another aspect of another manifestation of
resistance. Another way in which we're resisting and we don't
realize that because we're like, well, you know, I want to get
married. I want to whatever Yes, but if there's an aspect of
you that's very afraid, that's resistance. And that can be
what's keeping things from moving forward or keeping things
from keeping God from moving forward, you know, because he's
like, well, I'm not going to violate, you know, your, your
wall, not going to demolish it, I'm not going to climb over it,
you know, because then you really aren't going to trust me.
So he does the same for us that I was telling you that we're
supposed to do with the body. We don't violate it. And we let us
know it's safe so that it trusts us enough to come out and to
change. So it's the kindness that leads us to change.
So regardless of what's happened, or what God has told
you or promises or past and what you've been through, it's like
to trust him enough that he's so good that you can actually
surrender the hope of becoming married to him. You can
actually in regardless of it ever happening. Like even if is
that did I misunderstand you?
Um, well, I mean, I can speak to that. That wasn't what I was
talking about. I was talking about, you know, protecting
ourselves from like, Oh, my goodness, you know, I'm afraid
or whatever. And then God and having that emotional
vulnerability with him. But I can talk to the other I can talk
to if he's made any promises or whatever. And how to hold those
promises before him. In rest, I can talk to that. But that's
different from what I was talking about.
Because you were talking about, I think I understood some of it,
but probably not all.
That's okay. Yeah, that's fine. Um, uh, so just basically, the
thing is, you know, that starting with, you know, the
fact that we can be that we can be, I recognize that, that I'm
probably the one, a little bit sitting behind walls, within
walls, and saying to God, Oh, I kind of feel fine. And hoping
that he would climb the wall or like something like that would
happen over power over.
Yeah, I'm kind of like, Oh, I can make it on my own. It's
going to be okay. And then. But then in that there's not full
trust. Yeah. Yeah, not fully surrendered. Correct? Yeah,
exactly. So then we need to fully surrender. That's what I'm
saying. Yeah, fully surrender. So what I did is I told the
Lord, and I've got some kind of hair here. And what I told the
Lord is, back in October of 2021, I told the Lord, it was
something like, I don't know, the 23rd, 22nd, something like
that. I, I told him, I said, God, I believe that you intended
my life to be in more rich than it currently is. I believe that
you meant I said, because I told him, I said, Lord, I feel whole.
I don't feel empty. I don't feel incomplete. I don't feel in
part, I feel whole, you know, now that I have you, because I
had I had, I become more solid in my identity in the Lord. Then
I didn't feel like I was missing a husband. I mean, sure, I so
wanted a husband, but I didn't feel like a piece of me was
missing anymore. And I and before I found my identity in
the Lord, I'd always felt like a piece of me was missing,
something wasn't quite complete. And I thought it was a husband.
And no, it was it was God, you know, it's my identity in the
Lord. And so once I got
that I'm like, okay, Lord, I feel whole, but it's almost like a complete circle, you know,
that's fully enclosed, but it still has lots of air pockets. It's still, it feels like there's,
it's not as full and as dense, like my life is not as dense as it could be. It's not as enriched as
it could be. And so that's the sense that I got in my spirit. And so I asked the Lord, Lord,
would you please, would you please enrich my life as you, you know, desire? I opened myself up,
Lord, to being enriched. Like, in other words, Lord, that you would, that, that life would
happen in such a way that opportunities would come, that you would call me to step into things,
call me to have a relationship with certain people or whatever, you know, dating or not,
you know, just like relationships with just various people. And that I asked the Lord,
I said, Lord, you know, I opened, or I told the Lord, I said, Lord, I opened myself up to being,
to my life, being enriched, to my life, being changed, to my life being impacted on.
And, and Lord, I finally, I finally put down the resistance to my life changing or things
being different or things happening to me or people coming into my life or me going through
a process. I said, including Lord me dating, I finally opened myself up, Lord. And so that
though, wasn't kind of like, Oh Lord, I want you to do this. I'm still protecting myself. That was
me opening up and going, okay, God, I'm now vulnerable. And I'm now ready for you to finally
do a work for you to guide me and Lord, I will accept it. I will say yes. In fact, I'd forgotten
about that. I think, I think I even told the Lord, maybe not. Maybe, maybe not. I was gonna say,
I think I even told the Lord, if a man asks me then, Oh, maybe I did. If Lord, if a man asked me
to date him, I'm now finally ready. And I'll say yes. And I didn't mean, I was going to ask any
Tom, Dick or Harry that asked. I did. It's just like, I wasn't going to say no now because I was
afraid if I wanted to, you know, if it was a possibility, then I was going to open myself
up to the risk. And I told the Lord I was going to say yes. And sure enough, less than a week later,
that exact same, that exact, I prayed this like on a Sunday, I think I prayed it on a Sunday.
And then, um, and on Saturday, it happens. It asked me to date him. And I was like, wow,
that was fast. So, um, and it's because I finally stopped resisting and I didn't know that I was
resisting because I wanted to be married very desperately, even though it was full and whole
and all of that. And I was very happy, actually what I was doing and very happy single. I was
driving around everywhere and I was having so much fun, but I still wanted to be married.
Um, and I want to say desperately, I don't mean desperate, like I was desperate
doing something. I just mean, I just meant I greatly wanted it. I greatly desired it. So
maybe desperate is the wrong word to use anyway. Um, and then that finally, as soon as I, as soon
as I released, then I, I not only could I, could I see Ed for the first time, cause he and I had
been friends for a year. We traveled together with, with some ministry friends of ours.
And we, so we had, we had literally, um, traveled together across States and everything for,
for I think a total of one and a half or two months and, um, over that year. And that's a
long time to be spending with someone. And, and he and I weren't interested in each other. We just
weren't until that week. And that week when I prayed that prayer, my eyes were open and I could
finally see him and be interested. And his eyes were open. He could finally see me and became
interested at the same time. I know not only could I see him, but finally he could see me
because in the spirit, I was now open because, and he tells me this, he said, Ashley, I always
felt you were closed. He said, so I never even entertained the thought. Cause I've asked him
so many times. It's like, so were you ever interested, you know, before then, you know,
like we were doing dishes way back in September of 2020, you know, we were, we met it for the
first time and we were joking. And I told him, I said, Ed, you know, quite honestly, we were
flirting, you know, we really were. And he's like, he's like, no, I didn't see you like that.
at all, because, and I said, really, you didn't he said,
yeah, he said, and I think it's, he said, I, he said,
I couldn't, because as soon as I kind of like felt into it,
it was like, oh, she's closed.
He said, I could sense you weren't open at all.
So he said, I never asked myself the question
or let myself be interested or follow any kind of a path.
So I never recognized that I was interested
because I immediately saw you were closed.
So, okay, I'm doing my thing.
So it wasn't even like, oh, I'm interested.
Let's see if she is.
He just immediately felt, oh, she's closed.
So it never occurred to him until I,
until I opened myself up to the Lord.
And then all of a sudden the spirit, you know,
the veil was lifted.
And so he could finally see me
because I no longer had the wall.
I was no longer closed.
So anyway, it's very powerful.
And that's one of the ways in which we can be locked down,
even though we want something and we don't realize
that we're actually resisting the thing we want.
Wow.
I think I'm realizing that I'm sitting maybe
behind a wall, but I didn't think that I was.
Yeah.
I'm like, what?
Because I feel so open and so surrendered.
I feel like I'm giving to God.
I don't really think about my husband ever.
If like, and even like mentioning tonight was more like,
I believe I'm supposed to, but I don't know why
because I don't really miss it.
Yeah, yay.
But now I'm like, I think there is resistance.
And I think actually I do have accusation against God
and that I am hoping that he would like break down the walls
like you're saying, kind of like, just like overcoming
and just let it happen.
And like me just kind of being,
but I'm not really taking responsibility
or I'm not really coming out of that resistance.
Very interesting.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
And, you know, it's interesting how we can, I don't know,
it's interesting how that we can be in resistance,
you know, and just not know it.
And also sometimes you might, when you know how you said,
well, Lord, I don't really, it's not really,
I don't remember how you phrased it.
You said something like, oh, Lord,
it's not really that important.
And I really don't want it that much,
that kind of thing.
Yeah.
It can be that you're even protecting yourself
from your own feelings.
In other words, like Ed couldn't see me,
you can't even see you and get your,
cause you're not allowing you to access
what your deep down, your deep down desires
because they are locked up.
Because if you were to access them and don't get them,
that risks disappointment.
Yes.
You just lock up the desire to like,
I'm not going to feel, I'm not going to want
because that risks disappointment.
And it risks my relationship with God
because then I'll be disappointed with God
and I don't want to be in resistance against him.
So then I'm like, I'm fine single.
If you don't do it, I'm fine.
I would love a husband, but if you don't give it to me,
I'm going to be okay.
Yeah.
And it's kind of like, you really want it,
but you don't want to admit it.
Yes, correct.
So, and if you really admit it,
you know that you could not get it
and then you'd have a problem with God
and you don't want to have a problem with God.
Yes.
I think that's what I'm unconsciously doing.
Isn't that wild?
Yeah.
So anyway, I just thought maybe that would be helpful.
Right.
Well, it was good to see you.
Thank you.
This is going to be up, you know,
on the platform with your others.
So with your other transformation sessions, you know.
I hope I connect with you at a later point.
I'm really open to be a part of whatever you do,
like later on, or even maybe by,
like I know that people buy class, like hours with you.
Right?
So I'm like, I'm really open to that.
Like, I'll be following you,
what you're doing and putting up.
And I'd really love to be a part of the community
and to, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, good.
Always loved having you.
So I'm glad all this has been very helpful
and I'm so excited, you know,
for everything it is that has changed in your life
and how you've, you know,
I just don't know what all that was.
You know, experiencing more freedom
and being able to, you know,
connect more intimately with the Lord, you know,
and feeling more love, more free, more accepted, you know.
So I'm so very, very, very glad for what you have
and been receiving between you and the Lord.
for it. Thank you so much. Yeah, you again, I hope at some
point, or even if you do like, I was like, if you do like
teaching in America, like, oh, maybe Annette and I could fly
you're doing conferences or if you're doing like, I don't know
who knows what you're gonna do in the future. It'll be to see
what God has for you. See, and to follow what's going to do in
through you. That's very sweet. Thank you. Yeah, we're both on
our journeys. So we'll just see what the Lord does. Yeah. Well,
it's good to see you Renata. You take care. You too. Bye. Bye.