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Hey everybody, my vulnerability, I still need to shower. I just have my bed head and all

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that. So here I am. So last week, well, I guess the day I made a post about things just

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being awfully hard. That was an extremely like, wow, I feel like gut-wrenching day at

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a point with my therapist and a ton of things surfaced that I didn't really know were there.

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And it was just like a cascade of just emotions that were so deep and buried that I didn't

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even know they existed. And after that day and just, you know, actually reminding me

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that this is part of the process and even my husband reminding me that this shows me

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you're doing the work. You're doing the work because you're going through this. It was

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kind of like a, it allowed me to not try and stifle it and just to let it be, let it be

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and let it do its thing. And then throughout the week, things just got easier. And I had

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a transformation session with Ashley, which was very helpful. And the timing of the rest

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intensive, it can only be a God thing because literally a week before the rest intensive

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started is when my husband took a, started a four month leave of absence from work so

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he could be home and so I could learn how to rest and specifically so I could learn

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to give up all control to him in regards to the kids, to the house, to food, even though

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I'm cooking most of our food. Based on my therapist recommendations, she, she highly

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recommended this rest so I can get out of the constant fight or flight mode that I've

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been in for many years. And she wanted me to be able to relieve, what is it, relieve

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that control to Ryan. I feel like I've been, I've been a control freak probably since after

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college and with every child, it's almost like it's got worse. It's like I cling to

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the control even more. And so the timing of this has been, it's like, wow, okay, God,

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you're doing something like, but what I'm learning is that like when I'm giving up control

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to the Lord, I'm also learning, learning to give up control to my husband. Like he, he

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is my husband, my earthly husband. And some things that I've noticed are that when he

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does something that I would do it a different way or he speaks to the kids in a different

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way or disciplines them in a different way. Instead of jumping in quickly, I just sit

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back and I just wait or I don't say anything. And I just kind of let it be. It's not perfect

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and it's not all the time, but I'm just trusting. I'm really just trusting the Lord, not only

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with myself, but with my husband. And then if there's things that maybe my husband does

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that I don't like, or I don't like the way he disciplines the kids or talks to him or

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something, it's kind of like I'm in this place of rest. I can rest in the Lord and that he's

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going to take care of everything and he's going to make, he's going to take care of

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everything. And that means he's going to take care of my husband. He's going to take care

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of my husband's heart. I know my husband's heart is good. He loves the Lord. Um, I believe

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my husband like lives in rest and it's, I want him to watch all these videos because

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it's like, I feel like it could actually articulate his whole journey growing up because he didn't

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grow up in a Christian household at all, but he, he realized at like the age of like

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20 something that he had a relationship with the Lord from the time he was very little

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and he didn't really know what that was, realize it. And so he lives in freedom and, um, he

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lives in freedom and that's where we have kind of clashed because I'm over here in this

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religious feeling like I'm this religious law abiding citizen and he's over here living

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in freedom every day of his life. And I'm over here like, no, we can't do that. And

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he's over here like we're free. We have Jesus. Like he's overcome everything. He's bigger

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than Satan. He's bigger than darkness. He's, and so it's been, it's been good and it's

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been good to show me so much of what my husband's journey is so much of what God wants for us.

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Or the way my husband lives his life is so much of what God wants for me and I listened to

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Ashley's the third video yesterday and it was like so profound. It was so profound and

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things that I've learned

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Tidbits last over the last eight years or things that have come up for me

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But I'm like, I didn't really know how to articulate it or people didn't articulate it in a way that it felt

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true to me and

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Everything about it was just like wow, like it's just so much to take in. I feel like I need to go listen to it again and

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It's I feel like it's

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Just the knowledge piece the knowledge it's the knowledge that we wanted at

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The fall I'm articulating that right we wanted the knowledge and

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And

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More than anything like the knowledge is fine

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There's nothing bad about the knowledge and wanting the knowledge and using the knowledge

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but when it overrides and it becomes higher than our relationship with the Lord and

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trusting him and

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It's on my journey with cancer

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It's helped me ease the reins like

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I've gone an alternative route

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Which means I've completely changed my diet

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But there's like 10-20 different diets out there that are recommended for people with cancer and they're all totally different

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and so I would go back and forth and confusion of what one to follow and then I go back to this knowledge of

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Like doing what I sense is right and doing what I want to do

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When

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Not in the sense of going and gorging on junk food because I actually don't want to do that

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I don't want to I want to treat my body. Well, and I want to eat eat the foods that God has given us

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But

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I've loosened my reins on

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Some of the protocols I'm doing

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yesterday, I've been doing some IV treatments and

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Yesterday I found out I was low on one of the IV treatments and I need to reorder it myself because we can't get it

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in the US and

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I

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Realize you know what? I want to break next week

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I don't want to do the IV treatment next week and it was like freedom. I don't need it. I don't need it

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I don't need it

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Because God is my healer. Jesus is my healer

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Those things may may help in certain ways, but the healing doesn't come from them

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it comes from from Jesus and

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And

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Me resting in him, so I'm trying to I'm still trying to figure that out like what that means

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To be healed, but I already am healed. My flesh is

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Still possibly has cancer and I don't really know I'll know next week

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Yeah, so just show still kind of trying to figure that out

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But for the most part things have just been

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Good, and I'm seeing where I'm just able to drop control

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In my life, which has been so freeing. I've seen like my my middle son

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he dropped a thing of

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Water on the floor and normally I'd just be quick to say, okay, go grab a rake

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you know and instead he and especially because he didn't move like he just sat there and looked at it and

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Watched the water leak out and more leak out and he started laughing and normally like I'd get frustrated

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Like pick up the bottle and go grab a rake and I just started laughing too

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Like I was just like stuck there and it was like

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Why do I need to rush into it? Why do I need to make him feel like it needs to be done now?

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It's okay. Like it's spilled water on the floor

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And just the calm in my soul

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With that little thing. It's like a big deal

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And I know it's been very helpful that my husband has been home and has been taking on a lot of my

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Responsibilities so I can take care of myself

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And so I

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Know that when I have more things to do during the day and when I have more appointments or when we have

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Just things that we need to do

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I know that's where the challenge for me is gonna lie into staying and in rest and in union with the Lord and

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so I guess that's something I'm just kind of

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I'm sitting in this right now and

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We'll see what the Lord does and I know I'm gonna have those circumstances that are gonna be busier and I

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Just I get to see what what happened with those. So

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All right, y'all. I hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll see you tomorrow on the Q&A. All right. Bye. Bye