Hey everybody, my vulnerability, I still need to shower. I just have my bed head and all
that. So here I am. So last week, well, I guess the day I made a post about things just
being awfully hard. That was an extremely like, wow, I feel like gut-wrenching day at
a point with my therapist and a ton of things surfaced that I didn't really know were there.
And it was just like a cascade of just emotions that were so deep and buried that I didn't
even know they existed. And after that day and just, you know, actually reminding me
that this is part of the process and even my husband reminding me that this shows me
you're doing the work. You're doing the work because you're going through this. It was
kind of like a, it allowed me to not try and stifle it and just to let it be, let it be
and let it do its thing. And then throughout the week, things just got easier. And I had
a transformation session with Ashley, which was very helpful. And the timing of the rest
intensive, it can only be a God thing because literally a week before the rest intensive
started is when my husband took a, started a four month leave of absence from work so
he could be home and so I could learn how to rest and specifically so I could learn
to give up all control to him in regards to the kids, to the house, to food, even though
I'm cooking most of our food. Based on my therapist recommendations, she, she highly
recommended this rest so I can get out of the constant fight or flight mode that I've
been in for many years. And she wanted me to be able to relieve, what is it, relieve
that control to Ryan. I feel like I've been, I've been a control freak probably since after
college and with every child, it's almost like it's got worse. It's like I cling to
the control even more. And so the timing of this has been, it's like, wow, okay, God,
you're doing something like, but what I'm learning is that like when I'm giving up control
to the Lord, I'm also learning, learning to give up control to my husband. Like he, he
is my husband, my earthly husband. And some things that I've noticed are that when he
does something that I would do it a different way or he speaks to the kids in a different
way or disciplines them in a different way. Instead of jumping in quickly, I just sit
back and I just wait or I don't say anything. And I just kind of let it be. It's not perfect
and it's not all the time, but I'm just trusting. I'm really just trusting the Lord, not only
with myself, but with my husband. And then if there's things that maybe my husband does
that I don't like, or I don't like the way he disciplines the kids or talks to him or
something, it's kind of like I'm in this place of rest. I can rest in the Lord and that he's
going to take care of everything and he's going to make, he's going to take care of
everything. And that means he's going to take care of my husband. He's going to take care
of my husband's heart. I know my husband's heart is good. He loves the Lord. Um, I believe
my husband like lives in rest and it's, I want him to watch all these videos because
it's like, I feel like it could actually articulate his whole journey growing up because he didn't
grow up in a Christian household at all, but he, he realized at like the age of like
20 something that he had a relationship with the Lord from the time he was very little
and he didn't really know what that was, realize it. And so he lives in freedom and, um, he
lives in freedom and that's where we have kind of clashed because I'm over here in this
religious feeling like I'm this religious law abiding citizen and he's over here living
in freedom every day of his life. And I'm over here like, no, we can't do that. And
he's over here like we're free. We have Jesus. Like he's overcome everything. He's bigger
than Satan. He's bigger than darkness. He's, and so it's been, it's been good and it's
been good to show me so much of what my husband's journey is so much of what God wants for us.
Or the way my husband lives his life is so much of what God wants for me and I listened to
Ashley's the third video yesterday and it was like so profound. It was so profound and
things that I've learned
Tidbits last over the last eight years or things that have come up for me
But I'm like, I didn't really know how to articulate it or people didn't articulate it in a way that it felt
true to me and
Everything about it was just like wow, like it's just so much to take in. I feel like I need to go listen to it again and
It's I feel like it's
Just the knowledge piece the knowledge it's the knowledge that we wanted at
The fall I'm articulating that right we wanted the knowledge and
And
More than anything like the knowledge is fine
There's nothing bad about the knowledge and wanting the knowledge and using the knowledge
but when it overrides and it becomes higher than our relationship with the Lord and
trusting him and
It's on my journey with cancer
It's helped me ease the reins like
I've gone an alternative route
Which means I've completely changed my diet
But there's like 10-20 different diets out there that are recommended for people with cancer and they're all totally different
and so I would go back and forth and confusion of what one to follow and then I go back to this knowledge of
Like doing what I sense is right and doing what I want to do
When
Not in the sense of going and gorging on junk food because I actually don't want to do that
I don't want to I want to treat my body. Well, and I want to eat eat the foods that God has given us
But
I've loosened my reins on
Some of the protocols I'm doing
yesterday, I've been doing some IV treatments and
Yesterday I found out I was low on one of the IV treatments and I need to reorder it myself because we can't get it
in the US and
I
Realize you know what? I want to break next week
I don't want to do the IV treatment next week and it was like freedom. I don't need it. I don't need it
I don't need it
Because God is my healer. Jesus is my healer
Those things may may help in certain ways, but the healing doesn't come from them
it comes from from Jesus and
And
Me resting in him, so I'm trying to I'm still trying to figure that out like what that means
To be healed, but I already am healed. My flesh is
Still possibly has cancer and I don't really know I'll know next week
Yeah, so just show still kind of trying to figure that out
But for the most part things have just been
Good, and I'm seeing where I'm just able to drop control
In my life, which has been so freeing. I've seen like my my middle son
he dropped a thing of
Water on the floor and normally I'd just be quick to say, okay, go grab a rake
you know and instead he and especially because he didn't move like he just sat there and looked at it and
Watched the water leak out and more leak out and he started laughing and normally like I'd get frustrated
Like pick up the bottle and go grab a rake and I just started laughing too
Like I was just like stuck there and it was like
Why do I need to rush into it? Why do I need to make him feel like it needs to be done now?
It's okay. Like it's spilled water on the floor
And just the calm in my soul
With that little thing. It's like a big deal
And I know it's been very helpful that my husband has been home and has been taking on a lot of my
Responsibilities so I can take care of myself
And so I
Know that when I have more things to do during the day and when I have more appointments or when we have
Just things that we need to do
I know that's where the challenge for me is gonna lie into staying and in rest and in union with the Lord and
so I guess that's something I'm just kind of
I'm sitting in this right now and
We'll see what the Lord does and I know I'm gonna have those circumstances that are gonna be busier and I
Just I get to see what what happened with those. So
All right, y'all. I hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll see you tomorrow on the Q&A. All right. Bye. Bye