Hey everybody! Here's my journey share. It's been another challenging week with a lot of
ups and downs and it's actually really been hard for me to even share anything when I'm
not in a place of giving hope or encouragement. I feel like the only time I'm able to share
and be open with people is once I've gone through the hard and I'm on the other side
and I see it for what it is and I have hope and encouragement to give others. And so I
think that's one reason why I've just held back sharing. And the thing that keeps going
through my mind is Ashley says that we get the most out of it when we do the work. And
so here I am sharing, not knowing what I'm going to share about, but sharing because
I know that I'm hopeful that fruit will come from it. So I'm getting ready for surgery
on Monday and I don't know, I don't even know what I've shared and it doesn't really matter.
The details don't matter. So my tumor has grown based on my last testing and so they're
actually recommend, I think I mentioned they're recommending chemo and radiation before surgery,
but I think I'm opting for surgery right now without the chemo and radiation. And so the
challenges have been a lot about the knowledge. Like I don't want the knowledge. Like I just
want to say screw the knowledge. I don't want to know about my tumor. I don't want to know
risk factors. If I do this risk factors, if I don't do that, I feel like it's separating
me. It causes me overwhelming anxiety. When my focus is when I want my focus to be the
Lord and for him to guide me and lead me. And so I'm in this place of like, I literally
told my husband today, I go, what if you go to the doctor's appointment and you get all
the information from the radiologist and I don't go and you come home and I trust you
to make the decision for me because I just don't want this other, I don't need more knowledge
in my head. I just don't need it. And he's like, well, they might. Yeah. But all laughter
aside, it was kind of comical and it's, I still really want to do that. Um, but so I'm
like struggling with this knowledge and even the knowledge of having cancer in my body
and having it grown. And, um, I feel like it puts more, um, it has put more power in
the body than the spirit. And I don't want my power in the, I don't want power in the
body. I don't know if that makes sense. Um, I just finished listening, listening to the
three realms, the three realms, um, teaching and it was so good. And, um, I guess I just
realized I'm just, I'm struggling. I just live, I live in the body, like my body. I
listened to my body and I don't think I should listen to my body. Um, cause I've allowed
it to tell me what's true. And, um, but I guess now I can look at my body and allow
it to tell me what I'm believing instead of what's true. Um, so I've just been struggling
with that. There's been, we have a lot of doctors appointments this week, a lot of canceled
doctors appointments, a lot of change doctors appointments. So with every change, with every,
it's like, I just go, I'll just, you know, just start crying just because it's like,
I just want the information so I can just be set on what we're doing and move forward.
Um, with a surgery, which will be an intense, Mizzy, Hey, an intense, sorry, my dog, um,
which will be a pretty, um, what's the word? Not intense procedure, but, um, I don't have
the words right now. Um, so another thing that's been challenging is just overwhelm
in my head, like a million different things going on in my head and not knowing where
to go or what to choose or what to believe. And I just feel stuck. And I've come here
a lot. I get, I come to this place a lot when I'm in overwhelm, I have decisions to
make. Um, and then I'm trying to figure out, okay, where do I go? Like, what do I, what
am I not believing? Um,
Am I believing that the father is not going to provide for me, that he's not going to
protect me, that he's not safe?
And that must be what I'm believing.
Because if I was believing I was provided for and that I'm safe and that I'm protected
and that he loves me, I wouldn't have any fear and I wouldn't have these questions in
my mind about what's going to happen to me or my kids or whatever as a result of my decisions.
So one, I guess a positive thing of this journey right now is that today when I got a call
from the alternative oncologist in Mexico who was going to chat with me, I got a call
that he had to cancel and he had an emergency and he couldn't talk to me until Monday and
I'm like, well my surgery's on Monday, that's not very helpful.
And so I just started crying and before going to my husband, which I normally would always
go to my husband first, I went to the Lord and that was a big deal for me.
And just being able to be with the Lord and trust him and tell him that I know he's providing
for me, he's going to provide a way and he's going to show me the way and that I don't
have to worry, that I don't have to fear, that I am loved and this minor thing doesn't
have power over me.
And so even just declaring that out loud to you guys, it's just felt me, bring me peace
that a lot of times this would make me, bring me into resistance.
And then I'm resistant towards my family, even though I'm not mean, but it's like I'm
resistant.
I put a wall up, maybe I'm not as loving towards them, I'm not as open towards them, I'm closed
off towards them.
And because of this fear inside me, I'm trying to save myself and, but just knowing that
I can take it to the Lord and reminding myself who he is and who he is, yeah, my mind is,
my mind is not so great right now.
So I'm going to leave it at that, but I guess that has been my, probably my biggest win
and being able to come out of the place quicker.
So instead of going, when I'm in overwhelm, I could let it spin for days and now it's
like, I know that all I need to do is choose what I'm believing.
And sometimes that means I'm choosing that God loves me and that choosing to do what
I want to do is actually okay and it's not wrong and it's not sinful.
So I'm just going to go and do what I want to do right now.
And making that choice and putting my feet to it and acting on it instead of letting
myself spin into negativity and worry.
That's kind of been my journey and I finally got to catch up on some of your guys' journey
sharing and all right, well, I'll see you guys tonight.
Bye-bye.