Hey everybody, just coming on to do a quick journey share and it's actually been a really
great week, feels weird saying that.
I feel like God is just, once I released everything to the Lord, I feel like he's kind of just
lined everything up in ways that, in ways that I couldn't have done myself, obviously.
So I had a bunch of doctor appointments this last week, but the biggest one that I was
most nervous about was seeing the radiologist and I went in totally surrendered and just
open to hearing and learning and just seeing where the Lord led us.
I just went in with that heart and that spirit and it was supposed to be a two hour appointment
and our appointment was at 1.30 and we were out of his office by 1.27.
He got us in a little bit early because we were there a little bit early and his talk,
I mean basically he said, I think surgery first is the best option for you, if there's
any cancer in your lymph nodes, after we biopsy everything, then radiation will be something
to come speak to me about later, but right now I think that's your best choice.
That's something, he said that's something that I would do, I would do surgery first.
So and he was just very encouraging and it was probably one of the most encouraging doctor
visits I've actually had since being diagnosed with cancer.
Everyone usually comes to me, you know, something I just notice is that they, the nurses and
the doctors are all like, hey how are you doing?
And it's kind of like, I'm having a bad day I understand, yeah, but like I'm alive and
I'm doing life and we're, you know, I'm doing my best to just do this thing and it's not
like a depressing thing, I mean it can be, so, but it was just, it was not that kind
of appointment and so, and then after that I just felt, gosh some good Samaritan, I don't
know who, a place, a food place in town called my husband on Friday and said, hey a good
Samaritan gave us your credit card and they want to buy you guys dinner tonight and that
happened and we didn't have dinner planned that night and another friend reached out
to bring dinner to us on Monday or Tuesday when I'm in the hospital for surgery just
so the family has something to eat and I'm normally the person that I will ask a friend
to do a meal train for us or my sister or, and I just haven't done that, I haven't been
worried about it, I haven't, and people have come out of the woodworks saying, hey can
I do a meal train for you guys, everything has just kind of fallen into place and the
biggest thing that has happened for me is probably on the emotional aspect of things
and just as I've been working through the emotional aspect of this cancer, I believe
that a big, since the beginning of this journey, I believe the biggest part of this cancer
is an emotional aspect, I couldn't really put a finger on it, didn't really know what
it was but I felt like it had to do with something, control or perfectionism and I feel like this
last six months have really kind of, God has slowly and gently led me to the root and it's
kind of been a slow process but when I was talking to my naturopath this last week, I
was telling her about the surgery and how I don't see cancer as a battle to be fought,
I just, I don't see cancer that way, I see cancer as an alarm clock to wake someone up
to something that maybe needs to change, whether it's emotional, relationally, people need
forgiven.
possibly diet-related, I don't know,
something that needs to change.
And so I felt like cancer is like, to me,
thinking about just going and murdering the cancer
and frying the cancer and it's never sat well with me
and even going and surgically removing it
has not sat well with me.
It just has not felt right.
And as I've done therapy and everything,
I've come to the conclusion that I've felt like
this cancer is me as a little girl.
And she's been protecting me and things like that.
I'm not gonna go into the whole story,
but with my naturopath, I was telling her
I was having a hard time thinking about cutting out
the little girl that just wants to be loved
and that just needs to know that she matters
and she's loved and she's cared for
and she doesn't have to do everything on her own.
And I didn't wanna, it made me cringe
to think about cutting her out
and making her feel abandoned by me.
And something my naturopath brought up was,
well, love isn't all about cuddles.
It's also about boundaries.
And it was kind of a light bulb moment for me
because I'm like, you're right.
And I'm awful, awful at holding boundaries for people.
But still, I was like still struggling with it.
Like it wasn't an aha moment for me.
It was an aha moment, but it didn't help me
come to surrender with the surgery.
Like I still had like something in the way, a blockage.
And so I was talking with my therapist the other day
after this, I just started working through
and I felt like the Lord was just revealing to me
that the little girl, it wasn't the little girl
that was the cancer.
It was the lies that the little girl was believing.
And the little girl inside of me is still gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.
But the thing that's getting cut out is the lies
that the little girl has believed her entire life.
And the lies have no place in my body anymore,
which brought me back to the scripture.
I don't remember what scripture it is
and I'm not gonna be able to quote it correctly,
but if your right hand makes you sin, cut it off.
And from what I've been taught,
I don't think that's ever been a literal scripture
that we're supposed to take literally.
But I'm literally taking that, I'm taking that literally.
And this lie in me has caused unbelief, which is sin.
And it needs cut out.
And I'm such a physical person,
like I've always been very physical in that,
like I like working out hard.
I need to work, like I feel my best
if I'm moving and very physically active.
I don't do my best when I'm sitting
and for long periods of time,
like I need to be up and moving.
And I'm like, I feel like this is like God's grace,
that he knows that I'm that type of person
and that he's just covering and protecting
and supporting me to go through this surgery
that he thinks I need to go through it this way to be free.
He's allowing me, he's allowing me to go through it
in this way to be free.
I don't know if that makes sense,
because I know that I, based on what I've learned,
especially in the rest intensive,
that I don't need to surgically remove something
in order to be free.
Like, but in this moment, I feel like it's God's grace
and it's something that I need.
Um, so that was kind of a big revelation for me
just to know, like, I feel so oddly good about this surgery
and the people, the surgeons and everything
and everything had just kind of come into place
and I'm just grateful we've come to this place
and I've just been, I feel like there's the Lord
is just covering me with his love.
And, um, and I just feel so wrapped in his love.
So, um, I think that's about all.
I have surgery tomorrow at 7.30 in the morning.
I don't know, I'll be in the hospital for about four days,
but I'm hoping to be on the call on Tuesday.
That might be a really, that I might not be.
all because I might be in pain or whatever but I'm and I'm also hoping to
be on there tonight so I hope to be on there tonight with you guys I'm also
doing a prep for the surgery so it kind of depends on that but I'm just so
grateful for this journey and sharing this journey with you guys you guys have
just brought so many revelations to me with your own journeys and things that
maybe I'm not directly what's the word going through but it's made me really
think about things differently and and I'm just grateful for this community
that it this community in you guys all right all right well I hope to see you
guys tonight bye bye