Hey everybody, it's been a long time since I did a journey share and man, I think I've
been procrastinating.
One, I was going to do one in the hospital, but I had a roommate so I just chose not to.
And on another note, I just feel like I've kind of like just been up and down and I like
I said before, I only like coming on here and doing a journey share when things are
like up and going good and you know, and today I feel like I'm almost like in this depression
of some sort.
I'm trying to figure out what that's all about and and choose out of that, but I think there's
a, so the surgery went great and when I came out of surgery, I felt like a huge weight
had been lifted off of me.
I literally felt the same way I felt after the birth of each of my children.
I have this like peace and love and joy and gratitude, immense gratitude that I've only
experienced after I had my kids.
And so it felt really weird to feel that after surgery, a pretty major surgery.
But as I look back on that now, I just feel like that's just God's goodness.
And I kind of look at that kind of as like a, almost like a rebirth, God giving me a
second chance.
I don't know how else I'd explain that.
Just giving me a second chance and the love and the grace to just accept him and receive
him and and receive all that he's made me to be.
And so ever since my surgery, I feel like it's kind of gone up and down in regards to,
I feel like I was, everything was really good in the hospital, then coming home has just
been more challenging, just because there's so much newness to get used to with taking
care of myself and dealing with pain and eating, completely changing my diet for a
period of time, eating not like I was eating before because I have a ileostomy bag.
And so I'm just adapting to that and those circumstances.
And I think I probably just need to sit and, and take some more time with the Lord.
I know I bring, he brings me clarity and peace when I do that, and I have not done that today.
I'm also just giving myself grace because I can and because that's what God gives me.
So right now, I guess I'm just kind of in this place of, well, I'm waiting for, what's it called?
Oh, my brain is not all the way there.
My what's it called?
My biopsy report, I guess, to come back to see if they found any cancer in any of the lymph nodes.
And I feel that's like, that's kind of, kind of weighing on me since I haven't got those
results back yet.
And I'm trying to like, figure out where to put how to put it in its proper place.
And while also, I'm a visionary, and I always have been.
And so I've been spending so much of my time these past six months, taking care of myself
in regards to this cancer and living with this so called diagnosis.
And now I'm kind of like waiting for this biopsy to determine what's next.
And so as I speak that, I'm like, okay, well, as I speak that and I know what we've been
learning, I know I don't have to live waiting for my circumstances to determine how I'm
going to choose to live moving forward.
So there's definitely some reflection I need to be doing in regards to that.
and then there's also the question of even if the biopsy comes back totally
clear everything is good many doctors would say you know that's a cure and I
also know many people who've had reoccurring cancer diagnoses and so
that's just the reality of cancer when I say the reality of cancer is the reality
of people I've known who've experienced cancer in their bodies that doesn't have
to be my reality and I can choose otherwise but I'm also still in this
place of learning and I'm not fully I don't know if I have the faith for that
yet so just in this place of figuring out what's next I have so many I wasn't
expecting to cry I have so many just passions and dreams and things and but
so much has been put on hold and I guess I just don't really I'm just in
this place of this holding spot I feel and as I sit here saying that I feel
like I'm getting from the Lord that he has me in this place just to learn to be
loved and and to me that just brings so much peace that I can just learn to be
loved by him by my family I don't need to sprint off to the next thing to the
next destination and maybe he has me in this spot for a reason so that I know at
a core who I am and how loved I am so I think that's about it for my journey
share so I'm just so grateful for all you guys and I cannot believe the rest
intensive is almost over I'm just grateful for each and every one of you
journeys and your journey shares I can relate and to every single one of your
journeys and they bring up so many things in regards to my own journey that
I'm just appreciative for your guys's openness and vulnerability in your own
so all right well I love you ladies and I hope to see you guys on our rest our
our Q&A tonight all right bye bye