WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.760
Hey, everybody. I haven't done a journey share in a really, really long time. I feel like

2
00:00:05.760 --> 00:00:16.640
it's been like weeks. So I figured I would come on here and do that. Mainly because I

3
00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:25.360
think it would probably be good for me. So where am I at? The past week or so I feel

4
00:00:25.360 --> 00:00:31.440
like has been better in regards to I'm just feeling better overall since my surgery. I'm

5
00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:37.600
kind of getting figured out the food and water issues that I've been struggling with. And

6
00:00:37.600 --> 00:00:46.560
in that, I do feel like that I'm at a sense of rest. I'm in a sense of peace and rest

7
00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:56.640
majority of the time, which feels really weird. Like I don't get amped up. I don't it's it's

8
00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:03.680
really weird. I feel like it's almost like my body is downshifting. And I'm getting used to

9
00:01:03.680 --> 00:01:14.880
this place of rest. And and you know, when I see messes, or the house is a wreck, it doesn't cause

10
00:01:14.880 --> 00:01:18.960
me this anxiety and make me feel like I need to clean it up right now. Like I'm like, if I'm tired,

11
00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:25.520
I'm going to go and I'm going to sit down. But if I'm feeling up for Oh, I can work on that right

12
00:01:25.520 --> 00:01:32.800
now. It's not this I have to get this done. This has to be done now. And I always also feel that

13
00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:41.280
it's been like that with the kids like when they're fighting or when things get amped up,

14
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:45.440
you know, like there's three, three kids in the house and two of them are fighting and one of them

15
00:01:45.440 --> 00:01:51.600
fell and hurt themselves. And it's easy to just like go into like, for me, it was easy to go into

16
00:01:51.600 --> 00:01:57.200
like fight or flight mode to try and save the day. And then I'd be so stressed out, I'd get high

17
00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:03.680
strong, I'd be then I'd get frustrated easier. And I feel like I'm just not. I haven't been to that

18
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:10.639
place for so long. And I never want to go back there. I never want to go back to that place.

19
00:02:11.440 --> 00:02:15.760
And so I'm, I'm very curious what it's going to be like when Ryan goes back to work,

20
00:02:15.760 --> 00:02:20.640
that's not gonna be until February. So I saw plenty of time, which I'm grateful to just

21
00:02:22.320 --> 00:02:26.240
have that time to be able to learn to feel what it's like to live in this place.

22
00:02:27.200 --> 00:02:36.160
And, and also learning, like one of the big things I think is being okay, that I'm not doing a lot,

23
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:40.320
that there's nothing I have to do to earn more of God's love.

24
00:02:43.200 --> 00:02:46.480
It's still pretty profound to me that I'm actually able to sit in this place and not

25
00:02:46.480 --> 00:02:52.400
stress that I'm still not able to do this, or I'm still not able to do that.

26
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:59.360
It's bizarre to me, because it feels like that's like the majority of my adulthood. I've lived in

27
00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:07.200
this in a place of striving and constantly doing. And I feel like this is almost a place of, I used

28
00:03:07.200 --> 00:03:17.360
to, my mom used to tell me I was a very easygoing kid. I was very easygoing, wasn't stressed out,

29
00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:26.960
I was very easygoing, wasn't stressed out or anxious. And so I feel like I'm going back to

30
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:36.400
that place of who I've always been. But I didn't ever, as I grew older,

31
00:03:37.200 --> 00:03:41.760
I always thought I had to strive to be worthy and to be loved. And so

32
00:03:42.320 --> 00:03:48.560
it just feels so good to just be in this place, and just be in this place with my family and to

33
00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:56.640
enjoy time with them without worrying about, I'm not doing enough for these people over here,

34
00:03:56.640 --> 00:04:01.280
and I'm not doing enough for these people, like doing churchy things that I always felt pressure

35
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:06.800
to be doing, but things that I never really felt like were mine to do.

36
00:04:06.800 --> 00:04:11.520
Things that I never really felt like were mine to do, like God never called me to do,

37
00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:17.839
there were certain things he called me to do, but a lot of times I would do things because

38
00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.360
I felt like that's what I had to do to be a good Christian, even though I

39
00:04:21.360 --> 00:04:27.040
knew God was not calling me to that. But I wanted to look like a good Christian to

40
00:04:28.880 --> 00:04:34.560
the people who I went to church with, you know. And so it's just been really good being out of

41
00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:41.600
that, and we've also been out of that church, and we haven't gone back for, gosh, several months,

42
00:04:42.320 --> 00:04:51.360
and it's actually been freeing. Because I know if we went back there, I feel like I would easily get,

43
00:04:53.280 --> 00:04:59.600
maybe not, maybe not in this place, I might not, but that I could easily get back into the place

44
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.720
Feeling like I need to do stuff in order to earn

45
00:05:04.440 --> 00:05:10.680
And to be good enough and so right now it's hard not being in a church community it's

46
00:05:11.400 --> 00:05:13.400
It's been really challenging

47
00:05:16.520 --> 00:05:20.640
Because I would really like that but it feels hard to search that out right now

48
00:05:21.840 --> 00:05:23.200
so

49
00:05:23.200 --> 00:05:25.160
That's kind of where I'm at on my journey

50
00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:28.960
this was kind of longer than I thought it was gonna be because I didn't really feel like I had much to talk about but

51
00:05:30.840 --> 00:05:33.440
I think it's mainly just good things and

52
00:05:34.520 --> 00:05:39.640
Learning and I'm learning. I'm still learning and sitting on

53
00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:45.640
lesson number teaching number seven, I think it was healing of the soul and body and

54
00:05:49.200 --> 00:05:52.680
You know my questions around that have to do with I

55
00:05:53.640 --> 00:06:00.840
Feel in that place I'm talking to my soul and my body more than I'm talking to the Lord and that feels weird to me

56
00:06:03.920 --> 00:06:06.680
But I'm seated with him and he's

57
00:06:07.760 --> 00:06:12.160
With me and in me and I'm just trying to process how this all works

58
00:06:14.040 --> 00:06:19.840
Because and that's one thing I feel like I've been missing is communion with the Lord I feel like it's

59
00:06:20.120 --> 00:06:22.120
Although I feel like I'm at rest

60
00:06:26.360 --> 00:06:28.360
I don't feel like I'm hearing him

61
00:06:29.400 --> 00:06:32.600
Very often and I miss that

62
00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:38.600
And I feel like I'm

63
00:06:41.080 --> 00:06:44.520
Almost learning as I'm learning to live from rest. I'm

64
00:06:46.400 --> 00:06:48.400
Instead of

65
00:06:48.880 --> 00:06:55.200
Instead of how do I explain this instead of going to sit with him to just be with him and in his presence

66
00:06:55.200 --> 00:06:57.200
I feel like I'm

67
00:07:01.160 --> 00:07:07.800
I don't know like I'm thinking about more about what I should be

68
00:07:14.320 --> 00:07:17.360
I don't even know how to explain this. I don't even know if it's like a thing

69
00:07:18.400 --> 00:07:23.600
I'm having a really hard time articulating this but I'm missing I guess all I'm gonna say is that I'm missing that time

70
00:07:24.840 --> 00:07:26.840
with the Lord

71
00:07:26.960 --> 00:07:28.960
and I want that back and

72
00:07:29.320 --> 00:07:31.320
I guess I just got to sit with him and

73
00:07:32.200 --> 00:07:34.200
Figure out what that looks like for us

74
00:07:34.320 --> 00:07:38.160
All right. Well, I will see you guys on our call tonight. All right. Bye. Bye