Hey, everybody. I haven't done a journey share in a really, really long time. I feel like
it's been like weeks. So I figured I would come on here and do that. Mainly because I
think it would probably be good for me. So where am I at? The past week or so I feel
like has been better in regards to I'm just feeling better overall since my surgery. I'm
kind of getting figured out the food and water issues that I've been struggling with. And
in that, I do feel like that I'm at a sense of rest. I'm in a sense of peace and rest
majority of the time, which feels really weird. Like I don't get amped up. I don't it's it's
really weird. I feel like it's almost like my body is downshifting. And I'm getting used to
this place of rest. And and you know, when I see messes, or the house is a wreck, it doesn't cause
me this anxiety and make me feel like I need to clean it up right now. Like I'm like, if I'm tired,
I'm going to go and I'm going to sit down. But if I'm feeling up for Oh, I can work on that right
now. It's not this I have to get this done. This has to be done now. And I always also feel that
it's been like that with the kids like when they're fighting or when things get amped up,
you know, like there's three, three kids in the house and two of them are fighting and one of them
fell and hurt themselves. And it's easy to just like go into like, for me, it was easy to go into
like fight or flight mode to try and save the day. And then I'd be so stressed out, I'd get high
strong, I'd be then I'd get frustrated easier. And I feel like I'm just not. I haven't been to that
place for so long. And I never want to go back there. I never want to go back to that place.
And so I'm, I'm very curious what it's going to be like when Ryan goes back to work,
that's not gonna be until February. So I saw plenty of time, which I'm grateful to just
have that time to be able to learn to feel what it's like to live in this place.
And, and also learning, like one of the big things I think is being okay, that I'm not doing a lot,
that there's nothing I have to do to earn more of God's love.
It's still pretty profound to me that I'm actually able to sit in this place and not
stress that I'm still not able to do this, or I'm still not able to do that.
It's bizarre to me, because it feels like that's like the majority of my adulthood. I've lived in
this in a place of striving and constantly doing. And I feel like this is almost a place of, I used
to, my mom used to tell me I was a very easygoing kid. I was very easygoing, wasn't stressed out,
I was very easygoing, wasn't stressed out or anxious. And so I feel like I'm going back to
that place of who I've always been. But I didn't ever, as I grew older,
I always thought I had to strive to be worthy and to be loved. And so
it just feels so good to just be in this place, and just be in this place with my family and to
enjoy time with them without worrying about, I'm not doing enough for these people over here,
and I'm not doing enough for these people, like doing churchy things that I always felt pressure
to be doing, but things that I never really felt like were mine to do.
Things that I never really felt like were mine to do, like God never called me to do,
there were certain things he called me to do, but a lot of times I would do things because
I felt like that's what I had to do to be a good Christian, even though I
knew God was not calling me to that. But I wanted to look like a good Christian to
the people who I went to church with, you know. And so it's just been really good being out of
that, and we've also been out of that church, and we haven't gone back for, gosh, several months,
and it's actually been freeing. Because I know if we went back there, I feel like I would easily get,
maybe not, maybe not in this place, I might not, but that I could easily get back into the place
Feeling like I need to do stuff in order to earn
And to be good enough and so right now it's hard not being in a church community it's
It's been really challenging
Because I would really like that but it feels hard to search that out right now
so
That's kind of where I'm at on my journey
this was kind of longer than I thought it was gonna be because I didn't really feel like I had much to talk about but
I think it's mainly just good things and
Learning and I'm learning. I'm still learning and sitting on
lesson number teaching number seven, I think it was healing of the soul and body and
You know my questions around that have to do with I
Feel in that place I'm talking to my soul and my body more than I'm talking to the Lord and that feels weird to me
But I'm seated with him and he's
With me and in me and I'm just trying to process how this all works
Because and that's one thing I feel like I've been missing is communion with the Lord I feel like it's
Although I feel like I'm at rest
I don't feel like I'm hearing him
Very often and I miss that
And I feel like I'm
Almost learning as I'm learning to live from rest. I'm
Instead of
Instead of how do I explain this instead of going to sit with him to just be with him and in his presence
I feel like I'm
I don't know like I'm thinking about more about what I should be
I don't even know how to explain this. I don't even know if it's like a thing
I'm having a really hard time articulating this but I'm missing I guess all I'm gonna say is that I'm missing that time
with the Lord
and I want that back and
I guess I just got to sit with him and
Figure out what that looks like for us
All right. Well, I will see you guys on our call tonight. All right. Bye. Bye