I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.
How are you?
I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.
I have to get my phone case off and plug my phone in.
I am going to turn my phone off and plug my phone in.
Well, excuse me, we'll see.
A lot of times the medical, you know,
is a lot more fearful than obviously the other groups.
And just because they're medical
doesn't necessarily mean that they're right.
Right.
Just because they're looking through a filter of fear
is my point.
Not that they don't know what they're talking about.
Right.
They see it through a filter of fear.
We shall see.
Oh my goodness, yeah.
But I was watching that today.
And it's because my mom's boss,
and this was just announced today,
my mom's boss was the guy that our governor
chose to chair the task force.
Wow.
So that's why I was watching it.
Otherwise I would have just heard about it later.
I was like, oh, I'll just find out what the governor said.
But because he had asked him to be the chair,
I was like, oh, I know him.
Oh, I should have seen him.
That's so cool.
That's really neat.
Yeah, Josh likes staying up to date.
He's not like super.
He was never super into politics,
but he's like likes to stay up to date
with all the press conferences and all that stuff.
And our governor is like absolutely crazy.
So it's been interesting hearing him saying it.
Yeah, I mean, there's so many people upset.
There's actually, the people here,
they were upset enough.
They contacted our senator or something,
and they ended up taking a bill to the Senate
to overturn all of his regulations
because it's just so ridiculous.
But last I heard, the governor
isn't even doing it to sign it.
So we shall see here too,
because he just now recently made that
if you, like in order to go out
and get served in the public,
like for a customer, you have to wear a face mask.
Like you aren't allowed into grocery stores or anything
unless you wear a face mask.
And people are just like, they're so outraged.
They were like, we could handle the couple of weeks
of like having to stay home
and we could handle the first couple of regulations,
but this is just ridiculous.
So I don't know, the people are really upset
about everything.
So it's been interesting.
But it's like, what can you do?
I just got back from two grocery stores
and I was one of those that was walking around
with no mask, no gloves,
but other people were as well.
And, but then there were those
who were just very much more cautious
and so I'm trying to be careful for everybody else's sake,
like what bothers them.
Right.
But I was thinking about that today
because I thought, am I going to be allowed
to go in the grocery store?
And I thought, yeah, because I hadn't heard that I wasn't.
And so, and then I saw other people going in
because I'm sitting there in my car going,
well, I don't have anything.
What am I going to do?
And then all of a sudden I saw other people
going in with that one.
I was like, okay.
So apparently I can get in the grocery store.
So anyway, it was all fine.
Yeah.
It's just insane.
They all did not know.
I know.
It was like everything.
Yeah, I mean, according to his regulations,
like the people, the grocery store owners,
like they're supposed to not even let you in.
Like it's, like they all get fined
if they let you in without a mask on.
So that's why I'm like, this is insane.
So I was like, we're going to go to groceries this week
and now we're not going to go again.
Because I think it doesn't start until tomorrow,
but I'm like, I'm so not into that.
But anyway, I'm just ready for it to all be over.
Yeah, I know.
It's so crazy.
I know, me too.
I'm tired of it.
Oh, well.
Yeah.
So how are you doing?
Good.
Today was an interesting day.
It's like, I feel really, really good.
I feel different and I'm still like,
I still have a lot of peace and stuff,
but then there's like all these different things
that I haven't experienced for a long time
that I'm like, whoa, like where did that come from?
Like specifically emotionally.
And I was thinking like the past couple of days,
like not much has been going on at all in our life.
Like everything's been very normal, very chill.
And, but there was like a lot of fear in me,
a lot of opposition, like just being bombarded
with fear of like, what if this isn't real?
What if this isn't going to last?
Like it has been so, so long of trying to get to this point
that now I'm like, now that I'm actually here
and experiencing this freedom, I'm like,
when is it going to end?
You know?
And I was, we had, I had told you about the,
the counseling that we were going to do coming up in May.
And we honestly, I talked to Josh the other night
and I said, you know what?
I just really do not have peace
about moving ahead with it anymore.
Because I said that I don't really see why
I would, I would do it anymore.
And I said, it doesn't make sense.
Like why we would not go ahead with it.
But I said, I just literally,
I 100% do not have peace about doing it.
And there was.
Of course, you know, finances and stuff.
It was going to cost quite a bit to go do it.
And he was like, you know, I really don't have peace about
going ahead with it either anymore.
And so I was like, okay, we made that decision.
And I was like, that was my lifeline.
You know, that was going to be what was going to save me.
That was going to be the person, you know, that told me the
theory that's going to work, you know?
Then I was like, you know, I, I put, you know, we canceled that.
And I was like, okay, this, this has had, this has to
work or else I'm toast, you know?
And I was like, then I was like, Oh my goodness.
Like, what is this working?
What if I'm just being deceived?
And then today I was, um, I was talking to my sister.
We were talking about business.
Anyway, this all led into like the last couple of days.
And then I was talking about business with my sister today
and I got off the phone and all of a sudden I had so many emotions
and so many feelings that I've not felt like that I've not
expressed for so long.
I literally just started bawling.
I was in the middle of making breakfast and we were talking about
business and she has all these big plans.
She's very successful in business and she's telling me all about them.
She's all excited.
And I got off the phone.
I was like, Oh my word.
Like I am such a failure.
I don't know what I'm doing in my business.
I have no motivation, like all these things.
And I just literally started sobbing.
I was like, this has, this has not happened to me in years to where
I felt my feelings and express them.
Like it never, I don't remember the last time that something.
Affected me.
And I thought about it and I let it out.
I mean, I would, I would pack it in me all day long.
And I was like, all of a sudden I was making my eggs and I was bawling
and talking to her.
I was like, what is wrong?
I was like, what is happening to me?
It's like so many things.
So many feelings are coming out of me that I didn't even know.
I don't even know how to handle them.
I feel like I feel like I'm losing my mind because all of a sudden, like
everything's just spilling out of me.
And I'm like, what is happening?
So that's how my, my week has been going, but it's been, it's been good.
It's been really good.
And I still feel, I still feel, you know, the peace to enter
into rest and to stay into rest.
I just feel like there's so much happening underneath the surface
that I feel like I'm falling.
Does that even, does that make sense?
I feel like I'm just falling and I'm just waiting to hit somewhere.
And I don't know where I'm going to land, but I feel like, I feel like
there's a part of me that the part that needs to be asleep is asleep.
And then there's something else completely a mess.
And I don't even know what's going on, but that's the
best way I can describe it.
And I'm like, what am I going to do?
What am I supposed to do?
Am I just supposed to like stay asleep?
Or what in the world is going on?
No, it doesn't work in a way to describe it.
Go ahead.
I said, that's kind of, that's basically where I'm at.
I'm still kind of falling and still trying to, I don't know.
It's like, what, what really can I do?
I have no idea.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's very, yeah.
I love how you express it.
I love how, when I talk to, talk to everybody, all my clients, they all
describe the feeling a little differently and I love listening to their ways,
that they, I don't know, just kind of the word pictures that they have for
it, that their descriptions for it.
And I can relate to them.
I can relate to all of them.
I can relate to feeling at rest and feeling more at rest than I ever have.
And yet feeling like I'm, I'm still falling and that's things coming.
That's that old, old paradigms and old perspectives from different
areas of our lives that are packed down in there that we haven't let
go of and they're releasing because as we're entering into rest, we're
releasing and so they're coming up and out.
And so it's that whole training wheels being taken off and riding the
bike and like, I look and feel worse than I did before I started this
whole thing, this whole thing was supposed to lead me into more freedom.
It's all of that other stuff that the structure that we existed in allowed us
to ignore and to not have to see or face all of that other stuff could exist and
we could function and the results that we got out of operating within that
structure could allow us to, to, I hope that I'm saying this, following the
sentence correctly, but it allows us to function without having to face all of
those things.
And so we just, and if we allow all those things to come to the surface, well,
And we're faced with the fact that our structure can't support those questions.
It can't support us asking those questions.
But if we stifle those questions, if we stifle those doubts, if we stifle those
frustrations, if we stifle those fears, our structure will keep us afloat.
But now, whenever we decide to move into a new, the Lord reveals something new and
gives us the opportunity to step into it, then our structure that we had depended on
goes away. And whether or not it's the coronavirus and everything else that
everybody that that has happened, where, you know, people aren't working anymore,
and people are this and all these things that you can't go out and see people and
whatever. And whether we're talking about that structure, that infrastructure, that
social, economic, political infrastructure, or we're talking about some emotional
infrastructure of what we as a society or as Christian church tell each other is okay
to be and to feel and not be okay and not to feel.
Regardless of which structure we're talking about, whenever any of those go away, the
things that we relied on, those systems, the structure of in which we thought that the
Christian religion operated, whenever those things get removed, if we feel like we're
falling, because that was the very thing that we were using to keep ourselves from feeling
like we were falling.
So that's where that feeling comes from.
It's like, oh, my word, what it is that I was relying on is gone.
And, you know, I don't think that I've told somebody this.
So you'll be the first person.
I was, I was asking the Lord to show me his throne one time.
I don't remember when this was.
Oh, you know what? This was probably back in like August, July or August of last year, a
lot of time ago. And I asked him to show me his throne because I thought, oh, that must
be wonderful to get to see.
I didn't get to see the throne in the way that God says that he actually looks like
now, you know, the great white throne with all of his glory and all of his majesty and all
the angels. I didn't get to see that.
But what I what I thought was fascinating was I was walking on ground in this in this
I don't know, in this in my mind's eye and I was the picture that he showed me was I was
walking on ground and then right in front of his throne where he was sitting on the throne.
There was like this, this cut out like you would have like a cut out in concrete, like
is it like a huge industrial swimming pool?
It wasn't fancy. It was just like this huge, huge rectangle that was cut out of concrete.
So I was walking towards the throne on the concrete and then all of this.
And then I knew that he wanted me to, you know, in approaching the throne, I could step
out into this hole because this hole that had been cut, cut out in concrete where there's
nothing there. It's just this big, huge hole.
I could walk out into it.
And so I thought, well, I wonder what that's going to be like.
Is it going to kind of be like Jesus walking on the water where I just keep going, even
though it's on air? Am I just going to feel like there's that there's solid ground
underneath it? And as I approach the Lord, which is my whole point, because regardless
of whether we're talking about like it's the throne of God, in other words, when we're
approaching the Lord, when we're moving more into rest, when we're moving more, when
we're growing in spiritual maturity, when we're growing in revelation.
That's what my point in telling you this is, I believe that even though it was the
throne that I was seeing, that all of that, everything that we're talking about, that
this situation applies to as well.
So I walk out on it and I expected to feel like I was walking on something solid, even
though I was walking on air.
I felt that there was going to be some support that I was going to feel.
And it wasn't. I walk out into it.
No, I didn't sink.
I just it was just buoyant.
I would just I was just floating in this in the air.
I didn't I was completely supported in the fact that I didn't move up or up or down or
sideways or anything.
It was kind of like being in gravity, I mean, in gravity, being outside of gravity in the
universe, you know, in space and how you see those astronauts and there's just like
they're just floating.
They're fully supported, but there's nothing firm underneath them except for the fact
unlike unlike in space.
I wasn't like turning around, you know, where they've got like no, no direction.
I was I was as if I was standing on something.
In other words, I always stayed up right.
And I didn't like wobble, but there was no support underneath me.
I was just fully supported by being in the substance.
So in other words, my.
point is, I thought that was really fascinating. And the
longer that time goes, the more that I understand what the Lord
was showing me in that. And actually, just now I'm starting
to see a bit of an additional layer to it. The fact that we're
so used to thinking that the only way that we can be
supported and stay upright is if we feel something solid and
sure underneath us, like, oh, well, this is ground and I can
pick up my foot and put myself put my foot down and I feel
resistance. It was I was feeling a lack of resistance. And yet I
was fully supported. Does that make sense that resistance is
in like, you know, there's nothing rushing against me when
I push down. And so I believe that so anyway, we've in our
worldly minds, we've taken so much of the way that we view the
world and things like type things that God only intended to
be types and shadows. We translate it if we think if we
restrict the spiritual too much, we can think that well, I'm
supposed to always feel like this. I'm supposed to feel like
that over here. And we can still be fully supported without
feeling like without feeling the feeling the support as
resistance against us pushing down, which is what we're used to
over here. So what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, what
you're feeling like you're falling is, is a bit of an is
kind of like an
area there. Yeah. Sorry. Every now and then, you know, zoom will
just kind of show the show, shut down and abort. And then it'll
just start back up again, to stop, not touch it, it closes by
itself, and it reopens by itself. I just love to do a
little thing. I don't know why it does that. I don't know if
like, there's a lot of people on zoom. But anyway, my point is
that the about falling, it's that we're used to feeling
something in a particular way, or if you're used to feeling
support in a particular way, and we no longer feel support in
the same way, it feels like falling, the only way to
describe it to ourselves that Oh, well, this thing that I'm
used to having is no longer there, we feel like, well, then
then I'm falling. And it's, and it's not necessarily true. It
means that what it was that we were relying on and waiting for
in order to, that we determined in our mind, this is what
support feels like, if it doesn't feel like that anymore,
we think we're falling. And it's not true. We're still being
supported, but support feels very different. It feels very
effortless. And there's no resistance anymore to what it to
us that's been created against us, because there's no
resistance in the Lord. In the world, there's a lot of
resistance, but there's not there's not in the Lord. And so
and then another thing about the whole falling thing is it's
just simply you, you know, or you feel like you've got no
sure footing. Sometimes some of that is all of this stuff that
God wants to come up and out, and it's coming up and out. And
so it looks messy, it feels messy, we're associating these
things with this means I'm out of control. This means my world
is out of control. This means that we see we tell our stories
about stuff. So that's the story that we tell ourselves is that
when we feel these things, it must be bad. We put the label
bad on it. And no, it just needs to go up and out. And it's fine.
That's that whole thing that we were talking about with the
whole container. We've got something in it. And the fact
that you are what you keep calling asleep, you know, the
fact that you're resting, which is fascinating, that you call
it sleep, because in the Bible, when God wants to talk to us
about rest, when he wants to symbolize rest, he put people
to sleep. Adam was asleep when he created Eve. Abraham was put
to sleep by God when God created the covenant with Abraham,
remember, and then he passed between the halves of the
animals, you know, because Adam, I mean, Adam, Abraham created
the altar. And when God made the covenant with Abraham, he put
Abraham into a deep sleep.
God wants to be the one who creates covenant with us and we don't have to do
anything to create the covenant. We're the third party beneficiary and
he makes the covenant with himself. Abraham was just the beneficiary, so
Abraham was able to go to sleep because God wants to symbolize to us, look, you're
in rest. So I think that's neat that you described it as, you know, there's this
part of me that's asleep. There was all kinds of things that God was doing while
Jesus was dead and buried for three days and Jesus was asleep, you know, and there
was all kinds of things that the Lord was doing to reconcile us to himself and
all of that during, well, he'd already reconciled us to himself, but the
thing is, you know, Jesus went down to hell, it says, and preached to those
who had died before the flood, who died in the flood, you know, all of that kind
of thing, and I don't remember which book of the Bible that that was in,
but there's, I thought it was neat that, because you're the only one that I've
that I've been talking to that thought of to describe it as, it feels like a
part of me is asleep, so that's just a picture that I have at rest.
Yeah, so all of that's very normal. It's part of the process, it's part of the
letting go, it's part of learning to not rely on the things that we used to rely
on to give us that support. That's all that it is. It's very normal to
feel that way. It's just part of the process. It's just, I was so not
prepared, like, for the whole emotional side of things. You know, when you, we used
to have a pool and we'd shove stuff down so far into the surface that it would go
flying back up, and that's how I feel. I feel like all of my emotions are, like,
bobbing back up on the surface, and I'm like, whoa, where did you come from? And,
like, I was thinking today, I was like, you know, this isn't, like, is it
just a pregnancy thing? And I was like, no, like, with Eric, I was not emotional
like this. I was like, no, this is actually happening, and I'm like, I always
thought, I told myself for so long, I'm not an emotional person, like, I'm just not
an emotional person, and, you know, I'm a thinker, not a feeler, you know, and all
these things. And all of a sudden today, I was like, that is obviously not true, because all
of a sudden, I was like, this is something, this is a part of me that I have not
experienced for years and years and years, and I feel like, yeah, I feel messy.
Like, that's just the best way to describe it. I'm like, I feel horrible, but
I don't know, like, I don't know how to navigate. I feel like a toddler, where all
of a sudden, they just throw a fit, because they don't know how to control
their emotions. And I'm like, oh my goodness, I'm a grown woman, and I just
can't, it just comes out of me, and I just started crying all over the place. But
it's just, it's been interesting trying, it's been interesting navigating the
part of the emotions that I haven't experienced for years and years. Yeah.
So, you know, that I always consider myself the same way, you know, it was like, I am
not an emotional person. I'm very, very logical. I mean, because what I would do
was, I would shut down emotion, but it was because I didn't trust emotion, and I
didn't trust myself. For one thing, I didn't trust that emotion was real, that
it, in other words, that it was, it could indicate truth about anything. I thought,
oh, those are just, you know, you just feel a particular way, and you shouldn't
feel like that, or that doesn't mean that something's true. Just because you feel
that it is, doesn't mean it is true, so I shut it off. And I also didn't trust
myself with it, because I thought, oh my goodness, I'm just gonna be carried away,
and then I'm not gonna be in control. So, shutting off emotion, and working, and
basing things off of strictly logic, is a coping mechanism, and it's not, it's not
healthy. It's similar to being an extrovert or an introvert. Both of them
are coping mechanisms. It's just the choice that someone makes about how to
cope with their pain. Some people are extroverts. I've dealt with mine in an
introverted way, so I always thought I was, I was introverted. Well, no, both of
those in extreme are coping mechanisms. So, anyway, but yeah, we, we, when, the
thing is that no matter who we are, we're, we're going to have emotions, and our
emotions are, you know, the barometer of what it is that we actually believe. So,
we all have it, whether or not we ignore it, and then, if
especially, especially if we ignore our emotions and we don't allow them to come out then because
or because allowing something to come out is allowing it to go away, up and out and away.
Now if we're feeding off of it, that's very different, but if we just kind of, if we cry,
we're letting out and we're healing. If we're expressing a certain amount of emotion, we're a
to a certain extent. I'm just painting this subject with a very broad brush. We're letting
things up and out so that it won't stay inside us and poison us anymore. And if we don't let
out emotion, then it will, and we stifle it, that thing the body considers to be poison.
And so it will do whatever it has to do in order to, it will treat it like it treats poison.
It will, and it will manifest as sicknesses, whether it's sicknesses of other emotions that
start getting triggered or it's sicknesses, it's in like literal body sicknesses. Most,
well, like, like for instance, I'm going to use gut health for instance, for example, gut health
is, and gut issues are a result of stifled, stifled emotions. Typically, it can, it can be
related to feelings of, of control, trying to really control situations. And by that, I'm not
talking about being manipulative of other people. I'm talking about trying to gain control of
oneself in order to keep oneself together, where if they, if people feel attacked, that didn't
feel that it was godly or that they were to attack back because they didn't know how to, how to
helpfully deal with the situation, then it can internalize in, in gut health. And because we're
not letting certain emotions out. So anyway, so all of this is stuff that, you know, you stifled for
so long, but you're the body and the soul is very aware because of how naturally God, how create,
how God created natural principles to operate. It's naturally knows how to handle that. And it
knows this thing is poison, and I've got to get it out fast. It's kind of like how the body reacts
when it, when we have diarrhea, that if something is considered extremely poisonous to the body,
it won't absorb all of the water that gets flushed into the intestines, you know, when something
comes through, and then something will stay in the intestines a while, while the body absorbs
all of the water. And then of course, you know, it's not watery when it comes out. But when we
have diarrhea, that's the body having pumped the intestines full of water, like normal, only as
soon as something hits what they think is probably the purpose of the appendix, but obviously like
that, whatever patches that there's, there's this something pyres patches, pyres patches,
I believe is what they're called. And you're right, right near the right near the appendix.
When anything hits those that the body thinks, we've got to get this out fast, because this will
kill us, then we get diarrhea, because it flushes everything out, including with the water,
because they're like, we're not absorbing anything of this. That's a lot of what you know, what
is going on with these emotions, there is so much packed down that and there took so much control
for you to hold on to it that as soon as she started started, as soon as you stopped stifling
as much it, there was so much pressure built up, it's exploding. So because it's body naturally
in body and the soul naturally operating according to the way that really said immediately,
we got to get this thing out fast. And there's probably just a lot in there. And the more packed
in there, you know, the tighter reign and control that you had to have on it, the more pressure
that's built up, because the more that it's compacted. So as soon as you start releasing
some of the pressure, there's so much in there, it starts shooting out. So but the good thing is
that the faster that it shoots out, the faster you'll go through this process. But just because,
yeah, so anyway, also remember that when you muscle a dog, and this is going to sound terrible.
But because I don't mean it about you. I mean, it about all of it.
We've been muzzled our whole lives. We think this is a wonderful dog, and it won't and it doesn't
bite anybody. Well, the dog's been muzzled. You take that muzzle off, suddenly, you're going to
find what what that dog really is like. And that's what what's happening here is, is these these
religious structures made us look pretty and nice, but it didn't make us pretty and nice. So
we, now we really are pretty and nice, but that we have to operate out of our spirit
instead of operating out of our soul. Because the religious structure just allows us to operate
out of our soul and just make it look pretty. And God's like, no, no, you naturally can do that
operating out of the spirit, but without a muzzle. So you take the muzzle off so that the soul can
now transfer over here and the process doesn't look pretty. There's one more thing I want to
mention, and that's where this is found in the Bible, what a messy process that this is expected
to be. And that is when the Israelites moved into Canaan and the fact that God was telling them,
even though he gave them the land, he did tell them, I want you to go in and I want you to kill
the men and women and children. I mean, they did it with swords. You've got to be up close and
personal and see people, see women and children in the eyes and run them through this world. I
mean, you can't, you've got to be close in order to do that. And God said, I want you to do that.
In other words, he's like, he expected it to be messy. I mean, can you imagine the bloody mess of
that? It sounds awful. And yet God says, I've given you that land, but you're going to actually have
to go into it and it's going to be a bloody mess while you do it. God knew it. In fact, he gave them
instructions to do the very things that would cause it to be a bloody mess. Now it's not like
God just loves the bloody mess. My point is that he says that that's the process. He's the
one who created the world. He knew how he created it and why it worked that way. And if he wanted it
to be different, where he's like, I want nothing to touch my people, Israel, and I don't want it to
be bloody and I don't want it to be messy, he would have pushed out the Canaanites ahead of the people
of Israel. Even without killing the Canaanites, he would have had them all to be scared
and they ran off, which happened several times in Israel's history, where there would be people
coming against the nation and they didn't even have to fight anything. They'd wake up the next
morning and either everybody would be dead because the angel of war had come the night before,
or they had gotten message that something bad had happened in their other kingdom.
And then so they all upped and left without the Israelites having to fight. So when the
Israelites got to the fighting ground the next day, got to the encampment, everybody's
gone because they'd gotten word that they had to go back to their kingdom for something. And so
that way God even saved those people from the sword, even from the angel of the Lord.
So God can do it different ways, but my point is not how we can understand and reconcile that
whole idea of, God, you would allow all of his poor people to be killed and then you would tell
your people to kill men, women, and children? Without getting into all of that, we can just know
God gave them the land. He promised them the land. He said, this is yours. However,
I want you to go in and do things that it's act and the result of you doing things is going
to create a bloody mess. So don't condemn yourself or feel shamed or feel embarrassed
or feel that something's not right and I must be doing it wrong. Or maybe I'm not safe or maybe
I'm not secure or maybe this is proof that this actually isn't real and maybe this is proof that
there really isn't stability in this new place. Don't understand this is normal. So don't be
concerned or worried that, oh, well, this is evidence that this is wrong because there's
precedence in the Bible for this. That's helpful. One thing I was wondering though,
like, I mean, there have been some intense, intense feelings surfaced that I have not
felt for a long time. And how do I, how do I deal with them? Like today, when, you know,
I was talking to my sister and stuff and getting off the phone, like there were a flood of feelings
that I have not felt for a long time or that I haven't let myself, you know, actually feel it.
And, and like a lot of the things like, so for example, all of my siblings finished high school,
except me, I was the only dropout of high school. And how do you reconcile things that are actually
true, but that you can't like, you know what I mean? Like, it's true that I am the only one who
didn't do high school, you know, doesn't mean that I'm a failure necessarily, but it's true that I
didn't do high school. You know, how do you reconcile with the truth of the matter, but not
have identity crisis one-on-one every time that stuff like that comes up?
Well, so even though you're saying all the right things,
It's like, well, I'm not a failure.
There's still some element in there where they're thinking, yeah, but that's,
that's a threshold.
That's a measurement.
That's a standard.
And therefore I have, I've fallen short of that standard.
So actually the, the problem is that it's a standard at all in your
mind, that that's not a standard.
That's the problem.
That's the, it's the feeling.
It's like, this is a standard.
No, it's actually not a standard.
It's a standard.
The world came up with in order to make themselves feel better about themselves
because they didn't have God and his value of them to make them feel better.
So they're like, okay, well, if we create standards of measurement, all
of those things are arbitrary.
Most people in the world do not graduate with a, from a, from high school.
A lot, everybody in the, most people in the Western world do a lot, but most
people in the world today, 2020 don't graduate with high school degree.
Um, and not to mention all of the billions that have lived up to this point.
So it's some, it's arbitrary.
It doesn't mean anything.
Um, so this is actually an easy one.
Now, the harder one for us to reconcile is something like, well, what if I've
killed somebody, you know, things like that, because that standard we've gotten
from the Bible, but remember what, um, okay, so this is me, let me try to
remember which, which, um, let me get my Bible.
I think it's Psalm 51.
Just say.
Okay.
So first of all, it's very important to not deny the reality of, because I think
that I, I don't remember if I talked about that in one of my lives or not.
Maybe I was talking to a client personally about this.
I don't remember, but it's very important for us to not deny reality.
And one of the things is the reality of what it is we're feeling.
It's very, very important for us to face it.
The reason why we're not willing to face it is that we're concerned that it's saying
the very thing that we're afraid that it's saying, or I should feel ashamed, or
this is proof that God won't love me or he won't accept me or whatever.
And, but to now know that there is therefore now no condemnation, there's
no reason to fear facing any of them.
So it's very important for us to face the reality because it's only in facing the
reality that we can actually come to terms with it and peace with it.
Otherwise it's always going to be niggling in the back of our mind that, well, this
is something that I haven't faced.
And what if it raises its ugly head and it, it completely dismantles all of this
other progress that I've made in my shift of mindset.
So it's very important for us to face it because it's only by facing the truth
that we can get back on sure footing.
And by sure footing, I don't mean this sure footing over here, which
created resistance, but this sure footing isn't, you're always supported, even
though you don't feel the resistance underneath you when you've stepped out.
Um, okay.
So let me look, Psalm, I think it's Psalm 57.
I mean, sorry, Psalm 51, because David, you remember David?
Okay.
No, that's not right.
Here we go.
Oh no, no.
It's Psalm 51.
I remembered.
Very excited.
Okay.
Um, uh, okay.
So you remember that David had gone through amazing things up to this point.
He had, uh, uh, the Lord had say he'd already slain Goliath.
He'd had to run from Saul.
Um, but the people had, he'd already been anointed as king and so many people while
he was in hiding with his mighty men, which were astonishing what those mighty
men could do, um, I think it was like one of them could like slay a
thousand by himself or something.
I mean, it was just wild.
And, um, uh, and then of course he was, he would hide out and the Lord completely
protected him against Saul and whatever.
And then, and then miraculously he became king.
And then he just sees, he sees the Lord come through repeatedly for him and for
the nation of Israel in, in the arm, in, um, in like battles and everything.
I mean, so he's seen things that we're now reading about in scripture and yet
he took Bathsheba as, um, and committed adultery with her.
And not, and not only did he do that, but it was actually the
wife of one of his mighty men.
And I don't remember how many mighty men he had, but there weren't that many
considering how many there were in Israel.
I don't know.
I remember there were.
Your 50 maybe. Anyway, it wasn't that many. So he knew them all very personally. They've been through so much together and he took one of their lives and committed adultery with her in public. I mean, his someone had to go get her for him. And so then
When then, of course, you know, he had Uriah killed. So he tries to hide it by calling Uriah back. So hoping that he'll sleep with Beshe, but which he doesn't.
And then, then he tells one of his other mighty men. He was a co friend and mutual friend between him and Uriah. Hey, you kill our mutual friends.
It was just terrible. These things that he did. So he murdered somebody. Yeah, he committed adultery with his wife and he tried to cover it up and then he and then he
murdered him. Then what he does is when Nathan, the prophet faces and he says,
David and miss me. So you're right. I have sinned before the Lord. And so this is really fascinating. He says,
So have mercy on me. Oh God, according to your unfailing love according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. So this entire passage. He's always talking about the character of God.
He's always calling on the character of God and not about himself. He just says, like is in the reason why God would still accept him.
He says, wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin, for I know my transgressions. So in other words, he's admitting it or they've done this. My sin is always before me against you all and you only have I sinned.
I mean, we would think, wait a minute. What would Bathsheba have to say about that. What would Uriah have to say about that. What would Joe ash. I think it was Joe ash. That was that that it was the mutual friend, who is that he was the commander of the whole army and whatever
What would all of these people have to say about that. And yet, David, who knows the heart of the Father says
Against you and you only have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proven right when you speak and justified when you when you judge and
Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean. Wash me I'll be whiter than snow. And then, yeah, let me hear joy and gladness. Let the bones you have crushed rejoice. This is that man that just murdered somebody
And in the end, he's asking Lord to restore him, but there's a part that I want to get to. Do not cast me. Okay, do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me restored to me completely restore
Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Grant me a willing spirit to sustain me, then I will teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you.
Save me from blood guilt. Oh God, the Lord. Yeah. Oh God, the God who saves me and my tongue will sing of your righteousness and the sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. Oh God, you will not despise and so anyway, he's saying that
And so anyway, he's saying that that God is the one who created this standard that murder was wrong adultery was wrong. All these things are wrong and
And he's saying, Lord, it's against you only that I've sinned. So if you forgive me, I'm forgiven. And I'm forgiven to the point that I will even have the right because I'm perfectly clean. It says, where was that darn
Darn and I will be wider than other go wash me and I will be wider than snow. Remember that that's the opposite of
The fact that Jesus talks about the fact that our sins make us as scarlet are as though your sins be a scarlet
They will be you will be white as snow. What that means is to un die something so scarlet requires the greatest amount of
Of color. I mean, like, like, is that you've got to doubt something in red in order for it to really be scarlet. Otherwise, it just turns out pink and then darker and darker and darker pink.
You have to doubt that thing in order for it to be a vibrant scarlet color. There's no getting that out.
There's no getting that out. And if God says that, hey, I will take your scarlet and I will make it as white as snow. It means
He will make it as if it never happened because it literally cannot wash out the physical principles that the Lord put into place the physical laws that were put into place. Do not allow scarlet to be undyed
Ever so he says, I will make it as white as snow, meaning like he will make it as if it had never
happened. And that is what David is saying. He said, if you cleanse me and you wash me,
I will be whiter than snow. So even though I've done this thing, Lord, I have sinned against you,
but I'm asking you to cleanse me and make me as white as snow. And if you do that, well,
then I will then have the right and the ability because it's as if I've never done it. I've never
sinned because you've made it as if I've never sinned. Then I have the right that I can now turn
around and teach transgressors your ways and sinners will turn back to you. So, I mean,
that's extreme. So it's not kind of, well, I've, I've been forgiven. Um, and the Lord,
you know, is just like, well, you know, we'll just, uh, we'll just overlook it. Um, I won't,
um, I won't hold it against you, but I'm not going to take away the past. Um, and by the way,
you do know that this means that you have no right and no like to stand on, to tell nobody
else to do this because you just did it, you know? And he's like, it's the exact opposite.
It's like, God makes it as if he had never done it. And he has every right to tell other people,
Hey, look, just to stand and declare judgment over others and say, Hey, look, don't do this.
He's got every right to do that. So, so, um, anyway, I just wanted to mention that one about
like something, even as extreme as murder, where it's a standard that God put in place,
not even some arbitrary one that somebody in the world came up with.
Have a way to measure each other. So we've gone all the way. That's how we do it in society,
which is just arbitrary. And God's like, why are you putting those rules on each other
versus, you know, something like, um, even murder where God is the one who created that standard.
This is how, I mean, either one that the whole thing about the world, that one's easy to deal
with because we know that God doesn't hold us to standards that man created like that.
But even the standards that he created, this is how he said that we can be fully restored back to
him. So, um, it, we can't go to extreme that that's, that's extreme right there. You know,
you completely take somebody's life, commit adultery against somebody. I mean, wisdom one
against, against your friend and then you murder and, and all of that. So, um, uh, I'm trying to
think if there is anything else that I could, that I could say is, so it's important for us to realize
I feel like I feel that there's a problem.
That's Ashley. Say good night. Good night. You ready for bed? Okay. Good night.
He thinks he like, if there's a missing pair in a bedtime, he has to go give them a kiss.
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.
Oh, you want another kiss? Okay.
No, you're all done. Okay.
That's Ashley.
Okay.
Good night, buddy.
So anyway, if those, if those feelings come, it's important to recognize, okay,
that is, um, that's reality. This is how I feel and just accept that. And then what I recommend
is instead, we, we can tell ourselves things like, um, what is actually true? Like, okay, well,
you know, that's some arbitrary thing that, that someone came up with it. I'm not actually a
failure. And here's why I know that I'm not. And, um, in the eyes of God and, and we can tell
ourselves all of that so that we kind of have something to kind of contradict it with like
some logic. If this has raised, never works for me. Perfect. Exactly. So that's my point is we
can do that. And we can just acknowledge, I'm acknowledging this reality. I am acknowledging
that this over here is supposed to be true, even though I don't know. Now you get rid of both of
them. And then you take, this is where we go into that whole thing of there's all of this negative.
And instead of being repelled by the negative or trying to battle a lie, just release it all
together and be like, okay, well, you just hang out over here if you want to, but I'm just going
to focus on feeling on opening myself up to receiving the love of the Lord, living in the
love of the Lord.
living in his acceptance because he's so good to me and he's so loving that he doesn't even
have to have a reason for why he shows me goodness and he shows me love.
Over here, I'm thinking that this creates some reason why he would or wouldn't show
me love and goodness.
Once I just kind of acknowledge how I feel and acknowledge and I can think of some reasons
of why it wouldn't be true, and sometimes you're not going to be able to come up with
them.
Sometimes you're like, I don't know why that's not true.
Whatever it is, you just have to kind of acknowledge it and then stop focusing on it.
It doesn't mean that it's not going to kind of like niggle in the back of your mind and
keep wanting to, you know, beg for attention, but you just feel your life in your mind so
much that the fact that God is good to me and God is loving and he doesn't even need
a reason for why he is.
I mean, I don't prompt a reason if you're struggling with that.
We do prompt a reason in the fact that he finds us desirable and the fact that he looks
on us proves that he finds us desirable and proves he finds us worthy of love and finds
us lovable.
If we just focus on that and we choose that that's our reality, even if we may not, even
if we struggle believing it, even if we don't feel like it, we choose it.
I'm just going to choose that's my reality.
And then, and we just, and we live life like that.
It's like, what's the, that's a good word to use it.
It's like living in your own world.
You know how people talk about other people and they'll say, oh, well, so-and-so just
kind of lives in his own world and they talk about it negatively as if, well, they're not
living in reality.
They've kind of created their own world and that there's no way that they can function
like that.
And everybody just kind of leaves them alone.
It's that kind of an idea is when we don't feel it and we don't believe it yet, we just
have to decide, I'm going to choose that that's my reality.
This is what how, what I've walked through.
I didn't believe things.
I did not believe this life when I stepped into it, I chose it because everything else
didn't work.
And I had pushed it to the nth degree and I had studied everything and everybody else
that I knew believed like that.
And I was just out on my own.
I didn't know what I was doing.
All I knew is what I was miserable and I was like, I'm not going to live like this anymore.
I'm not going to live miserable.
Even if everybody else tells me that that is the only godly way to live.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm not abandoning the Lord, but I don't, Lord, I don't feel like I really even know
you.
So I'm just going to choose that.
I've heard that you're this good and I've heard that you're this loving.
So I'm going to choose that.
That's my reality.
And I told him that I said, I'm just going to choose this Lord.
I don't know if it's right.
I don't know if I'm going to, if it's going to get to the point where you're going to
like bop me over the head and say, Ashley, you were being deceived.
It's like, Lord, I don't know, but the other didn't work.
So I'm going to jump in with both feet and choose that this is the reality in which I
live.
And that becomes so big in your world that, and, and the Lord, then it frees you up because
you begin to release things.
It frees you up so much that the Lord and his truth begin to pervade you and you begin
to know in your spirit that it's true because God is revealing to you, not because logically
it sounds good, because remember you didn't choose it because it sounded logical.
You chose it just because the other didn't work and you, or at least that was me.
The other just didn't work.
And I'm just, I want so badly for this world and this idea and this relationship with God
that I've heard about to be real.
I want it so badly.
I didn't even see it in scripture at the time.
Understand I had to discover in scripture afterwards.
I was that desperate.
This is not normal for me.
This is not normal.
This is a totally different way of life.
I mean, tell me, I'm telling you, I'm probably the most, one of the most extreme people you
would have ever met and, and legalistic.
And I think I told you, did I tell you about, about, you're familiar with Pensacola Christian
College, right?
How legalistic it is?
No, really?
No, not much.
Okay.
Well, Cheryl and Cheryl, both of them went there.
I went to school.
I went to school with Cheryl and then I also, and then Cheryl Reese's sister, Sydney was
in my grade.
So she, she, Cheryl Flair, and I were all freshmen together.
Anyway, you do not get to be a floor leader at PCC at the time.
Get to be a floor leader or an RA at PCC by applying, you have to be noticed and and asked and then you get they don't pick people to be floor leaders until their junior year.
I was found sought out
And asked as a sophomore, the first semester of my sophomore year and I became the floor leader. The second semester of my sophomore year I was a co floor leader with Cheryl flares older sister, Becky, actually.
And that is how legalistic. I was that PCC approved of me found me as a sophomore and said that I was a better pick than any junior and senior that they could find
That is extreme and the word saves me from myself. But anyway, the whole idea just choosing something out of abandoned where I didn't even believe it yet.
I just heard that it was possible to abandon everything and risk God's wrath on me, which is the thing that I had tried the most hard to avoid.
It wasn't so much that I was pursuing his love as much as I was trying to avoid his wrath.
And that's where I would base all my decisions was my minimum requirement in life was don't make God mad at me. Don't make him displeased with me.
The biggest thing was don't make him mad at me. And then, and then it would be really good if I didn't make him displeased with me and oh my word, I would feel like I won the lottery if eventually after everything I did and how much I sacrificed and how much blood I shed.
God might love me. It's very, very, very extreme. So this is the person that is telling you I walked through jumping into something and choosing it, even though I didn't believe it yet. I was just like, Lord, I just want it to be true.
I just want it to be true. So correct me if I'm wrong, but I jump into it. And here I go. I was, I was shocked. Even when I did. I was that desperate. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I'm not telling you something that sounds so drastic and saying, by the way, I have no idea what that's like.
No, I was willing to risk that.
And so anyway, that's, that's what you can do is if if that's the what I would recommend is the process that you can that you can see if it works for you.
I didn't have anybody to tell me that. That's the process that I learned that worked for me. And so far, it seems to be working for others as well. When I told them.
And the reason I say that is, remember that life isn't a formula. So we hear from one person, one thing, and then we hear from somebody else, a totally different process.
You know, God works with different people in different ways. So there might be, I'm sure that there's other ways to do this. In fact, I know that there are
So there might be, I'm sure that there's other ways to do this, in fact, I know that there are but this is a way that I have that works for me when when I found the transition to be difficult.
Whereas like, how do I get rid of this belief that I have that's haunting me
I just acknowledge it. It's ugly as is. I think that it says about me or like I'm jealous of so and so and I'm, you know, whatever.
I wish my life hadn't been like this. I wish, whatever I acknowledge it and then I if I have something that logically makes sense to me that I can counter it with just to have logic and logic to kind of just make me feel better. Then I'll say that to myself, but I can't use that
As the as the means to help me overcome this because that's too hard. That's the thing that takes a lot of
That can take years in order to grow this logic where it's bigger and louder than this one. It can take a lot of time and it can take a lot of effort. Again, all of that work.
And that hadn't served me. So, but I think it is important. Sometimes if you have any logic that you can count it with logic counter it
Then now that you're like, okay, now that I have all that wrapped up now it's still there. I'm still struggling with that feeling
I'm just going to let it sit there and then I'm going to choose this reality over here, even if I don't believe it.
And if you believe it. Hey, that makes it easier to move into. But even if I don't believe it. I'm going to choose that it's my reality.
And then I just, I continue to choose it and all my decisions every day, all of my and the way that I'm making decisions, whatever.
And it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger in my world because I'm opening my spirit up to the Lord.
And then the more that I open myself up to him, the more he floods in effortlessly. Remember, this is not anything we have to work for. He just floods in effortlessly and and if he's filling me that other thing.
that I'm not hanging on to anymore because I've released it, it naturally gets pushed
out because it's replaced.
So you understand in this whole process, I'm not working.
I'm not fighting that and I'm not coming into heaven trying to pull this down.
I'm not working at all.
I'm just choosing to stop focusing on that.
I'm not pushing it out of my life.
I'm not trying to fight it and tell myself, well, it's not true.
It's not true.
Let it sit there as it wants.
Let it come up periodically and be triggered if it wants.
Fine.
It'll go away eventually.
And I just focus on this and if I focus on it and then it does all the work because it's
meant to serve me.
The spiritual principles from God, rest and whatever are meant to serve me, I'm just allowing
it to be what it's supposed to be and then the rest will push out as a result.
So again, there's no work in any of this transition.
Does all of that make sense?
No, it makes a lot of sense.
I could resonate a lot with what you were saying.
I think my biggest fear in going through this is that I don't necessarily believe that it
works, but I know that what I wasn't doing wasn't working and I have to, I guess, be
okay with the fact that, what was, how was I going to say that?
I didn't know.
I lost what I was going to say.
But realizing that it's okay that I don't think that it's, I don't have proof or evidence
or I have no idea if it's actually going to work, but still moving into it and just focusing
on God and what the characteristics are of God, I don't have anything to lose, but it's
been terrifying.
It honestly has been terrifying, especially being raised so conservative and so charismatic
and all this stuff.
I'm just like, I feel like my parents' worst nightmare right now, but I know it's not true,
but it's like all these feelings are coming up again and I'm just like, what is happening
to me?
So I haven't even told my parents what it is that I can do because I don't believe that
they would receive it well.
I think because I think I would scare them and because they, and if I'd heard someone
talk the way I'm talking, it would have scared me too, but I got desperate.
I got desperate.
It's like, forget it.
This other was, I mean, I live life in an extreme way to get me to this point where
I was willing to toss the whole thing out the window.
And I just choose it.
So I have not even told my parents about how I'm living life, how I'm choosing.
I keep all my topics and all my conversations with them on safe grounds.
In fact, my brother and sister-in-law believe a lot like I do.
I don't know that they fully, in certain ways they do, they pioneered this for me.
I don't believe that they don't operate, the Lord has revealed certain things to me about
rest that I don't believe that they've walked, that they've understood yet.
So in that aspect, I'm pioneering new things, but they pioneered to a certain point and
my family was worried about them.
So the fact that I now believe like that, when I used to worry about them too, the fact
that I now believe like that and believe beyond what they believe, I have not told my parents yet.
And I've been living this, walking in this for, I don't know, for a while now.
So I know, I thought about the same thing, it's like, oh my goodness, my parents knew.
But so it's interesting, you said that you also grew up charismatic?
Okay.
Yeah, I did as well.
I did as well.
So I guess Holy Spirit, you know, speaking in tongues, all of that good stuff.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
It was so weird.
It was like the weirdest church, but it was like Mennonite slash charismatic slash we
don't have any rules slash if you don't do these rules, then you aren't a Christian slash
like nothing matters, but everything does.
And I was like, when you leave it, you're like, wait, like there's nothing, like what
even was it?
And we were like non-denominational at the same time.
It was like a little bit of everything, I think.
But yeah, it was just, it's been a very interesting journey.
Well, you know, they.
People like that. People talk about, oh, well, full grace. And there's no rules. But then when
they actually have to live it out, and when they watch other people around them live it out, it's
scary. Because they realize why the rest of the denominations have rules. Because there's no,
that there's no structure that they're used to in the way that the world views structure.
And so they're like, we've got to add structure. So yeah, there's no rules. But you know, you can't,
you know, and then they start adding in the rules again, because that's what makes them feel safe,
is to have some arbitrary forms of measurements, by which we can all understand,
is the Lord pleased with us? Are we following him? Am I okay? Can I expect to receive blessings?
Can I not expect to receive blessings? That whole reaping and sowing thing, you know,
that you were talking about, which I'll talk about in a greater measure later. But I can,
I can, you know, tell you, just briefly cover it now. And the fact that, you know, reaping and
sowing is a spiritual principle, but there's still work that's applied to it. In other words,
if you, if you sow, well, then you're going to reap, but it brings condemnation. If you don't sow,
then you're going to reap the punishment, the consequence, not having,
not having anything to reap. So the only way that you can expect to receive something,
is if you put something out. And if you didn't put something out, you don't get anything.
So it sounds, it sounds nice for a while, because they're like, oh, I can control the outcome.
I can be in control of the result. All I have to do is know, and then I can expect a result.
But if you don't sow, then now you know why your tile is sick. Now you know why, you know,
you know, why you didn't get the check. Now you know why the client said no, and wouldn't hire
you. I forgot to sow. I forgot to, you know, whatever. I didn't, I didn't sow enough. Or
I sowed 10%, but I didn't sow 12. I did the tithe, but I didn't do the offering. Or I thought I just
skipped tithing this week, so that I could give double tithe next week. But in the meantime,
someone in their family got sick. If you, if we choose to operate according to that principle,
we get stuck in the good and the ugly, you know. That's one of the issues with it,
the fact that it doesn't lead to, it doesn't have a life in it. It's still going to lead to,
it's still, it's still based in works. It's still based in I worked for a wage,
as opposed to I got a gift because of the goodness of God's character. And I've chosen
to operate according to the goodness of God's character. It means that I've given up control,
though. I don't know. I don't know how my business is going to, is going to eventually,
uh, you know, look like. I don't know whether this client is eventually going to,
um, is eventually going to want to work with me. I don't know if, you know, I don't know where my
next clients are coming from. I just, it's just all of them here. But I choose to live like that
because I get to live off of the goodness of who God is, as opposed to the goodness that I am.
And I would rather do that. Then I can look like my father and act like my father and
bear the fruit of like love, joy, peace, et cetera. Just simply by reflect by being,
by basking in how good he is and naturally reflecting that back to him, looking like my
father. In other words, being, uh, repenting based off of seeing God's kindness. Cause the kindness
of God does in the Bible leads to repentance is kindness. And his goodness makes me want to
change as opposed to me trying to work really hard for patients, trying to work really hard
for endurance and wanting God to take me through testing over here in such a way that it builds
endurance and it builds patience and it builds whatever over here. It's I, it naturally comes
out of me because it's my nature testing over here. Cause we get, we go through trials and
tests, but testing over here looks very different than testing over here. Testing when you're here
means that God is proving his character to you. He's taking you through difficult situations,
which is what is going on right now that you haven't chosen.
And that's this system, stepping out into it, like, Oh, but here we go.
That's like, okay, I am going to prove myself to you.
He's not asking you to prove yourself to him right now.
He did over here.
That's what's happening over here.
You know, if it's, if it's according to all of these, uh, you know, laws and
rules and Lord, you're requiring these things as me, so, and you want me to be
patient and you want me to endure and you want me to have joy.
So God's going to take us through trials in which it's proving to us in that
we've actually learned something.
Okay.
Well, are you going to pick the right door?
You know, have you done the right thing?
Uh, remember what I've taught you up to this point?
Now let's test it.
That's a very ugly, um, difficult, painful testing process.
This testing process is, uh, is God is very different.
This is God proving himself to us.
This is us proving ourselves to God.
I would, so we, we do go through a testing process of here, but I'd much
rather this testing process where he's like, Hey, I'm going to take you to a
situation so I can prove to you how amazing I am over here.
This is, I'm going to take you through a testing process so that you can, you
can, um, you know, be tested on, um, improving yourself that you've learned
everything you were supposed to learn.
Because from here, you've said you've declared according to your declaration,
Ashley, that it's all based off of your work.
You wanted to work for a wage.
Work for it.
Let's see how good you've done.
I'm going to test you over here.
Okay.
Ashley, you decided not to work.
I'm going to show you how good I am and how I'm going to come through.
So we still go through tests, but who's proving themselves to who?
Very different in each of the two.
That makes sense.
Um, I was wondering too about.
So you may be in the opposite then as far as, um, I mean, I have basically
seen, uh, like my dad specifically, I basically seen his life almost come to
ruin and he's a very strong Christian and he believes in God, but he lived a
life, I mean, he would, you know, he's, he's, he, he would be the first one to
say he lived an awful sinful life after he got saved and we basically, I mean,
he, his life almost got destroyed over the past couple of years and through it
all, we just always thought, oh, it was just sowing and reaping like all those
years you sow and like, and he says it too, like all those years he's sown,
like he's just reaping for it.
Is that actually a principle?
Like, is that actually applicable in that, in that sense?
Um, now specifically in that sense that I don't know, but yes, it is.
It is, um, that thing kind of, that kind of thing can happen because according
to what he's declared, it has the power to manifest like that in his life.
He declared that that is the principle by which he lived.
He declared that that's how good God was.
He declared that that was the character of God.
So therefore that's how it manifests out in his life.
He will reap what it is that he sowed.
Yes.
Now, the interesting thing is that even if you sow, if you transition, if you
transition into, um, uh, if you transition into the new phase, the new system,
you don't always have to reap what you sow.
And that's what I was wondering.
Yes.
So it's safe for instance, that I am, I'm 35, almost 36 years old.
And so I have reaped a lot of things and I believed according
to the law of reaping and sowing.
And I've, I've, I've reaped, I've sowed a lot of things in my life, but now that
I have transferred over into my new, uh, into my new system, I no longer have
to reap the things that I sowed because I no longer believe that that's real.
So it nullifies everything in the past.
If I declare that that wasn't even real, that wasn't even true.
But while I'm in that system and I've declared, this is how it is.
I will sow, I will reap what it is that I've sowed.
Absolutely.
But we do have the opportunity to move into something that, where
we don't always reap what we sow.
Um, and then of course you do know that there's, that we do still bear
worldly consequences for worldly actions.
So say for, I've heard, had this example, um, I heard this example
where you could go rob a bank.
You can be a son of God.
You can go rob a bank and then, and then, and then, you know, remember, wait a minute.
You know what?
I'm a son of God and that doesn't change God's love of me.
It doesn't change his, his value of him.
It doesn't change my value.
It doesn't change how he looks at me, but you'll still be in jail because.
going to bear the world the consequences, but you'll be in jail as a son of God. In other words,
you'll be spiritually free. So it doesn't matter whether or not you're in jail because you're
spiritually free. Anyway, the slave is just saying about that, you know, in the cotton field,
they talk about the fact that, you know, physically we're enslaved, but spiritually,
we're free. And a lot of the plantation owners would notice that they've noticed,
especially certain slaves in particular, they notice, you know, we feel more enslaved
than they do, than they look because they've got this internal freedom that nothing can,
that no amount of beating on the outside can steal from them. Same thing with Jesus.
Jesus never lost his freedom and he was beaten and he was taken, you know, put on the cross and
all that. It's a very, the freedom that we are attaining to that, the freedom that we have,
and that is our nature and our inheritance and our right as sons of God is spiritual. And that
spiritual is a higher authority and power than the physical. But there are things in the physical
that I'll still, I'll still operate a particular way. They can be overcome. Absolutely. So say,
for instance, that, I mean, you know, we have those miracles, miracles, you know, you put,
like for instance, Paul, for instance, was put in prison. Well, that was, that's kind of a weird,
that's kind of a weird situation, but I mean, not a weird situation, kind of a different situation
because he didn't, he didn't like sin against. How do I put it? Okay. Remember when Paul was
put in jail? I think it was put in jail with Bartimus and I was put in jail and because it
was against what it is that they had done was against the law. So they'd been preaching or I
don't remember what they've been doing. Anyway, they were put in jail and, but, but God sent an
angel and opened up the gates for them and they just walked out. So even though they were bearing
the consequences, worldly consequences, God decided, yeah, but I'm just going to override
those because there are other times, but Paul was still put in there. Paul was still beaten.
Paul was still whatever, because there are not worldly consequences for his actions is that he
was doing something wrong and immoral. But remember that with God, that his standards, that his,
his, the value that he places on it is, is, has no bearing on what it is we do
in the world, but certain actions in the world have, you know, will adhere to or,
and, or not to worldly laws. And so you still have to kind of sometimes walk those out.
But anyway, you might go to trial for murder, even though, you know, God said, Hey, I've totally
forgiven you. In fact, you can go, you know, judge all of those, you know, tell other murderers in
prison that they shouldn't have done that. And they shouldn't do this or whatever. If you got
there in the first place for like that, you know, I just wanted to admit that. But yes, it is a
principle that everything's according to what we declare. That's so fascinating. See, that's
something I totally don't understand at all yet. Like, I don't understand that at all. And I mean,
that's okay. I mean, I'll eventually maybe understand. That's why I was afraid of saying
something that I thought I keep putting her off. Like, yes, it needs bigger context. I just thought
just give her something. No, I didn't know. I was bigger. It's not like I don't believe it at all.
It's just that I don't. And I've never been taught. I mean, I never have been taught that or
at all. It's an unfamiliar concept to me. That's all it is. It's not that I think it's wrong, or
like, you know, I think you're manifesting weird things. It's not that. It's just an unfamiliar
concept to me and my mind. Okay, yeah. Well, I'll provide more context for it later. I'm going to
be talking about, you know, the truth and knowledge of good and evil and hopefully more, more detail
than I did in a leadership meeting. And then there's another layer after that. I think that
that's how I've decided the order that I decided to do it in. Then there's another layer in which
I'm going to start talking very specifically about spirit, soul, and body and how to know which realm
we're operating in and how it talks in the Bible about how we can be a Christian and operate
according to the spirit, according to the soul, or according to the body. And that some Christians
operate according to the body. Others do it by being driven by their soul. But then God wants
us to be driven completely by our spirit. And then, and then sowing and reaping comes into that
is more clear when I after I described that foundation, then when I start describing
sowing and reaping, and I added into that
Context is like, oh, that's what you're trying to make sense. Yeah.
I just wanted to give you something. Cause I thought I could keep pushing
a bigger subject. And I don't know that it's going to make sense.
I totally get it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, this helps a lot. Um, I just keep like during the day,
like honestly,
some days are so overwhelming with all of the things that keep coming up,
like emotions and feelings and things I haven't worked with.
And I just, I just keep telling myself like, it's okay. Like I can just stop.
Like, I guess me, can I, that was another question I had.
Can I enter into rest to the point of irresponsibility?
Does that make sense? Like,
I feel like there's so much stuff inside of me
that's coming out.
Can I just let it come out and not worry about it? Or do I have to like,
do I have to do something or somehow like that?
It actually comes out of me. Does that make sense?
But I was just thinking like, for me,
what I feel like doing is just letting it come out of me and then
just not even worrying about it and being like, well,
if I know that my spirit is where it's supposed to,
my soul is just going to do its own thing. And who really cares?
But am I entering into the point of rest to the point of like negligence or
like, you know,
like when a depressed person just wants to go and sleep all the time to avoid
life? Does that make sense? Like where I am,
where I am neglecting something I should be taking care of or doing.
Okay. Yes. Does it make sense? Yes, it does. Okay.
No, it's actually a bit of both. Yes,
you can because it's part of the process,
but you want to watch it,
that you don't go so extreme to the point that you hurt yourself.
Does that make sense?
Where you actually start manifesting destruction in yours or
someone else's life.
Say for instance that you're having an issue with a relationship and you're
trying to like a toxic relationship that you're dealing with. And, um,
and of course you do know that I'm bringing up this subject.
So it's like, okay, so how do I handle this? How do I handle this? And, um,
one, so sometimes we'll, again,
it's important to acknowledge a particular feeling that comes up and if we can
name it, name it, don't, don't, uh, you know, if we,
we don't have to like try to name something,
but if what we want to be careful of is that we already know the name of it,
but we won't let ourselves see it or talk about it.
It was important to, if you know what it is,
acknowledge it to yourself and there you go.
And, but it's important that just because that,
uh, like maybe before you wouldn't ever say something to somebody else because
they're like pushing their buttons and they're doing all this stuff and you
didn't want to attack them back and you're like stifling, stifling, stifling it.
And you're being very, very, very, very, very, very nice.
Well, there's like this middle ground to make,
do what you need to do to not create destruction,
to say not to destroy someone else, not to hurt.
That's not a character of the Lord, but at the same time,
there's an element in which you need to allow yourself, uh,
internally where it's not destroying to them or to destructive to yourself as
well,
to feel a particular feeling in order to acknowledge it and let it go.
In other words, so far, so far it has, so far,
it's just been specifically me. Like so far,
it hasn't been like feelings or, or situations with other people.
I can't think of anything really. It's mostly just all things, feelings, uh,
circumstances, experiences, life experiences,
years of feeling abandoned by God and family problems and like parent problems.
It's all personal coming out.
It's not like husband, sister, family, friend dynamics.
Okay. I don't know if that's helpful or not.
No, it does. At least it's not yet. I don't know. I don't know if that's coming.
I don't know, but it hasn't, it hasn't been that way for me at all yet.
Okay, good. So what do you feel like you're on the verge?
So I can just have something more specific to speak to.
What do you feel like you're on the verge of irresponsibility related to like,
in other words, like,
this is what I'd like to do is that irresponsible for me to do.
Can you give me an example?
Um, well, I would say specifically,
I don't even know if this is like the right answer or not,
but this is just what comes to mind. I was specifically all the years,
like, oh man, up until this point, it's such a long story,
but my whole life has,
it's just been oppression after oppression and suppressing and,
and being so angry with God and questioning his goodness and avoiding the wrath
of God and all these things. And like,
things with my dad, like living at home, there was so much malfunction.
And then getting married and like our first year marriage was absolute horror.
I mean, it was horrific.
We were separated.
We had a baby and it was, it was like one thing after another, like
that was just too much early.
And then all of a sudden now it's like all that stuff is coming out of me.
And I'm like, well, do I have to like go reconcile?
Like, do I have to like write a letter to my dad?
Or do I have to like, do I have to do something like, um, there's been so
many experiences, especially like experiences with anger, like dad, you
know, being super angry, borderline abusive and alcohol and so much stuff.
And I'm like, all this trauma is coming out of me.
If it just comes out, I guess I don't have to like go do anything or like
reconcile or like go, I don't know.
Like I've never, I've never let it out of me before.
And so now that it's actually coming up, it's like, I don't know.
I don't know how to handle it basically.
Yeah.
So what's the irresponsibility part though?
Like you're like, that's what I don't know.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know.
Like, I just feel like, you know, counseling, you have like homework
and like weird stuff to do.
I don't know.
Like I'm just here, like not doing anything.
No.
Yeah.
That's what I was saying.
Um, the past couple of nights, two, three nights, whenever that was,
um, that you just, you just let go.
You acknowledge it.
You go through this process where you're just, again, if you need
to counter it with logic, great.
Otherwise you're just like, okay, this is the way it is.
And you just stop focusing on it.
You don't battle it.
You don't try to reconcile it.
You don't try to understand it.
You don't try to, um, how, what are some other things that we try to do with it?
Reconcile it, understand it.
You know, like we'll try to like Google it and like, okay, well,
well, you know, what, what really happened?
What was my trauma?
You know, I just, I'm just, and some, and another thing for me is like
specifically changing my actions to, to, uh, result in a different outcome.
Like, especially like when we were having marriage problems, it was like, okay,
well, everything's fine now, but I'm going to act in a certain way.
I'm going to act differently to avoid the problems happening again.
Uh, does that make sense?
So even like with this thing, especially like emotionally, like
trying to work through everything with like my childhood and stuff, it's
like part of me wants to, part of me doesn't know how to not play that part
anymore, like part of me doesn't know how to be myself without acting according
to trying to protect myself from XYZ.
I don't even know if this is all making sense.
No, it is.
I just, um, yeah, we just all hear things differently.
So I'm like, I need to make sure that I understand the perspective.
Well, and honestly, I'm not used to explaining.
I'm not, I'm not used to talking about it.
I mean, expressing my emotions or talking about this stuff is like a
muscle I haven't used for years.
So it doesn't, it doesn't come easily.
Actually, I think you're doing great.
I've actually been loving how you've been expressing it.
I just want to make sure before I answer a question, I'm like,
I didn't know what she's named.
Otherwise I'll answer a question and be like, that was not helpful.
Um, okay.
So, yes.
So you, uh, you do not need to, this is what I personally would, would
recommend if there is something that is on your conscience, because
that is where your faith is at.
And you feel like I really need to do this in order to finally have peace.
Then, then you, you can do the thing, but if you can possibly just allow
yourself to rest in peace by ignoring it for a while, meaning like not
facing it, not, not facing it, not trying to reconcile it, not trying to
understand it, not trying to figure it out, not trying to somehow make an action
to it, yeah, not put an action.
Exactly.
Thank you.
Not put an action to it.
Um, then, then don't, if you, if you can, that is, and the reason why I say that
is, again, I have no, there's other ways to tackle it, to tackle this, but it try
this for the areas that you feel that you can, you're going to find certain areas
where it's just like, oh, that's just too hard.
Um, I really do need to, um, uh, I feel like I would be creating more, my pieces,
my pieces at the place where I feel like I'd be creating more destruction.
If I didn't do next, well then do it.
If that's where your piece is at, do it, you know, and move on.
A lot of things you're trying to tackle, don't try to tackle them all at once by fighting against
your own conscience and by fighting against wherever it is your piece is at, thinking
somehow you should be doing something different. That then creates additional stress. Don't do it.
Figure out where your piece is at in different places. If your piece, if you feel that in a
particular area that you're going through, that your piece is set where you're like,
I can actually allow myself to not try to reconcile this, to not try to understand it,
to not try to drum it up and go through all of the ins and outs and make sense of it,
then try to not do it. I would say that is where the majority, I haven't had peace about doing
anything, but it seems so contrary. It's like all these things, it's like, and I'm not supposed to
do anything. It's like when you see an explosion going off to the side and you're like, no,
don't move. Don't go report it. It's fine. It'll take care of itself. That's how I feel. I feel
like there's explosions happening inside of me and I'm just like, okay, I'll just wait here.
It's comforting though to hear if I do have peace about not doing anything, it's okay,
because honestly I have, and that's what's concerned me because I'm like, good. There's
so much stuff happening that I'm like, how can I not do anything? It's very counter,
not intuitive, but counter what I've been taught. Correct. Yes. Okay. So now I see why you use the
word irresponsible with it. Yes, it does. It sounds very irresponsible. It sounds very un-Christian,
sounds very ungodly. It sounds like we're going to incur the wrath of God if we don't.
So what you do is you claim that God is good enough, that he's going to love you and he's
going to give you good gifts and he is going to heal you all of those internal healing without
you having to do anything, without you even being aware of how much you're hurt or being aware of
in which situation at which areas that you're hurt. There might be areas that you've been
hurt in particular areas that you haven't acknowledged to yourself or even aware that
you were hurt in. God can come in without you even knowing those areas even exist and he can
heal them. And the way that he do that is you just constantly, instead of focusing all of these
things and trying to reconcile this past in your life, what areas you can let go of. I mean, just
like not do anything, not put any action to them. I love how you phrased that. I'm probably going to
use that. Not putting any action to them. And even like mental action, effort, energy, focus,
anything, any kind of action. And you just decide, okay, I'm going to choose that God is so big and
he's so good. And he is so much love that it overpowers overwhelms and completely takes over,
takes over my life. I don't have to work and he gives me money. I don't have to be nice to people
and they love me anyway. I don't have to be nice to God and he loves me anyway. Just filling your
mind with those choosing that that's your reality. And then that's what I'm talking about.
Then the Lord will reveal himself because what it's doing is it's getting rid of all of this
other stuff that tried to reconcile, tried to understand whatever that's resistance. We have to
release. So once we stop trying to reconcile and understand, and we just stop, that's releasing.
We're stopping whatever it is we're doing. That's releasing. And whenever we release, remember that
spiritual principles that God put into place will naturally start taking effect. And those things
that we were hanging onto, they'll naturally float away. And then the things that God has already
sent because he's a good father. So long time ago when you asked for it, not yesterday, but years
ago when you asked for it, he already sent it. And the only thing you're waiting on
is you being free enough of resistance to now finally be able to receive it. So you will effortlessly
receive it. You will effortlessly be filled and be healed. And God's spirit will reveal to you
that everything that you're stepping into is actually true. Before you had to choose that
it was your reality. And it will become your reality where you actually believe it. And you
see it everywhere you look in scripture. You see it everywhere that you look in your
life and in other people's lives. And it becomes so obvious because God himself finally has place in
your life to shine light and to reveal it to you. As opposed to, that's faith. Faith is stepping out
when we're not really sure about how the whole thing is going to pan out. And God likes that.
He constantly talks about us having faith. So
When we have the faith, then God will come in and prove it, as opposed to standing back
and waiting for God to prove it before we believe it.
That's not faith.
God works like that sometimes, but he works like that mainly when we're very spiritually
immature.
So what he does with the more spiritually mature is he's like, he wants us to step
out in faith, which means that we choose that something is true because God said that it
was.
And even though we don't believe it, and even though we don't feel that it's true, we're
going to choose it anyway.
We're going to choose that we believe it instead of trying to believe it, we're going to choose
that we believe it.
And then he's going to come in and then he's going to prove it because we accepted him
first.
Then he's going to prove it as opposed to us holding him accountable.
I'm not going to do anything until you prove it, then I'll, then I'll choose you.
And God's like, no, I want you to do it the other way around.
Choose me first.
Then I'll prove it.
So he, and he'll do that and he'll prove that it's true.
And then you will come to believe it and it will heal you naturally from all of those
traumas, all of those things.
And then you can start taking action because then you're in a healthier position from which
to make a decision.
Remember I was talking about the fact that you can't be yesterday or the day before I
was talking about, um, you know, that we can be in a very unhealthy, I think it was last
time.
Uh, that if we don't, um, if, oh yeah, if we're stressed or anxious about something,
then, oh, if we're shamed, yes, if I was like, where was it, what was it that I had said?
Um, and, uh, sorry, I have a lot, so many things going on, I guess, shame or condemnation
when we were filled with shame or contemnation, then we have, and we've done something wrong.
Then we have to make sure first that before we deal with the thing that we've done, and
I don't want to say we've done something wrong, but like there's this thing that we think
we've done wrong.
There's this thing that we think is wrong, that God's, God's not happy or it's not the
one that he would want us to do or whatever, however we want to label that we have to do
before we figure out, even if it has to do with somebody else in our, in our relationship
with someone else.
And we need even maybe it, maybe it's at the Lord that we would go make and restitution
and we would go bring reconciliation, all that the very first thing before we even deal
with that, even though it's somebody else that's involved.
The first thing that we need to deal with is the fact that we feel shame and condemnation,
because if we try to deal with that relationship and try to bring reconciliation to that relationship,
even if we're not talking about a relationship, even if we're talking about your, your like
internal healing, you know, if you're talking about like, I've got this trauma out here
or whatever, before we try to deal with this thing before we try to know if, okay, well,
how should I be handling this relationship now?
Should I be writing a letter to my dad before we deal that we've got to deal with that.
We've got to deal with this other, because if we deal with that from a place of shame
or condemnation that, that we haven't dealt with, or from without healing, you know, in
your case, we're talking about like healing.
We can't make a healthy decision over of how to properly in a godly way out of God's spirit,
bring reconciliation and restitution according to the character and nature of God himself.
We know all the right things to do and say, but there's a reason why we haven't done them
yet.
We know all of that.
We don't need to do that anymore.
What is it that, who is the, what is the nature of God?
How does he desire to show us to show love in all of that?
We're learning a different way to bring, of how to bring reconciliation to a relationship.
We're learning a different way of how we can heal an inner trauma.
We're learning a different one, but how can we do it differently unless the source that
is making that decision is now healthy and different.
So that's what you want to deal with first is, is you want to, before trying to reconcile
or wonder how do I deal with the past or is there any restitution that I need to make
to somebody else, come from a healthy place first.
Otherwise it's just exacerbating the problem because you could have done this last year
and this year you're going to do it from the exact same position maybe than you would have
last year.
And, and you know, it's, it's still with that old model and that old mindset and it's not
actually part, you're not healed yet.
So again, though, if you're feeling that that's where your peace is at, that's what you need
to do.
It's actually, it might cause you greater destruction to not follow where your peace
is at.
Even if you're not waiting for yourself to be healed in that area.
So again, I'm just talking about for the place where your peace is at, not doing something,
this is one of the benefits of waiting.
You're now getting yourself healthy.
to then approach it from a different perspective, make a healthy decision, make a healthy action.
Yeah, no, that helps a lot. That definitely, that helps clear up all the
questions and everything I had. No, that helps a lot.
Yeah, my goodness, it's already almost 8 30. I don't know how time flies by so fast on these
calls, but it's great. No, that helps a lot. Just knowing like, that it's not a matter of
me doing anything. It's just a matter of me releasing to make more room for, for God to
give me the things he wants to give me. Yeah. And it doesn't make sense, but I know,
I know it doesn't. I, the only way that I learned this actually is I just had to walk it out
because again, nothing else I was doing to heal was working. So I was like, Florida is what I'm
going to do. And it worked. I had been dealing with traumas for 20 some odd years, actually
some of them for 30. Anyway, this finally worked. I didn't have someone that was telling me that,
um, I took some things that the Lord, some nuggets that God spoke to me through other teachers.
And then I thought, okay, well, how can I flush that out? Lord, I took it to the Lord. Okay,
Lord, how would that work out in different areas of my life? And he told me, apply it to your life
actually in this way. A lot of it was actually out of desperation. It just kind of like a leading
of the spirit. Not so much of, I know what it is, what it is that I'm doing. This makes sense. It
was more kind of like, okay, the other didn't work. So forget that I'm going to forget my trauma
and I'm just going to do this. And it worked. I was like, oh my word. And then after that,
I began to teach me the principle. So, um, anyway, uh, but yeah, it, it, so you can,
I highly recommend it. You can try that, especially if net, if anything, everything
it is that you tried this far hasn't worked. Mine's not the only way to do it. Mine's that
mine's the way that finally worked for me. When all of the other things that people mostly talk
about in the world and the church didn't work, it was too hard and it was too painful. And I've
been going for so long and it was too much time. So no, I know the feeling, oh my goodness, man,
so much frustration. Is it not working? No, I know the feeling. Um, but no, I just,
I'm just amazed at, at this month so far and just everything. I'm just so amazed by it.
I mean, it hasn't been two weeks. It hasn't? Oh my word. It feels like a lifetime.
I know. I'm shocked when I'm like, I know even a month ago, I'm like, I am so different than I
was a month ago. It's wild. Yeah. We were, we were getting, um, after my little episode in
the kitchen this morning where I broke down crying cause I felt like such a failure.
And then a couple hours later, I was like, man, like I totally don't even think about it anymore.
Whereas before I would stuff it all day. It took action to like stuff it back down. And I was like,
it's gone. And I didn't really do anything. I was like, it's kind of like throwing up from
an upset stomach. It's just, it's painful to get it out. But then when it's out, it's out
instead of like, yes, feeling nauseous all day. It's a fresh, it's a fresh experience in my mind
cause I had morning sickness and it's not fun feeling nauseous all day. If you can just throw
up it's better. But, and then we went out, we went out tonight for, uh, to get some takeout.
I told Josh, like, it's really weird, but I don't feel stressed. Like I took a long nap this
afternoon. I said like, literally like my shoulders, like my body feels limber. Like
I haven't felt like that for a long time. It's like, Hmm, this is really interesting.
So it's just, it's been, it's been a, it's been a very interesting month. Like I, I've not,
I'm not used at all to letting my feelings out at all. And I'm realizing now how it has affected
me or how it affects me when I don't, because it seems like for how many years, you know,
when you're used to doing something, you don't really think about how it affects you. But then
when you start doing something different, it's been really interesting to start to realize how
I respond to when I actually do let my feelings and emotions out instead of, you know, however
many years stopping them. But yeah, no, it's just been, it has been so good. It has been such
an answer to prayer this whole month and your teachings. And I'm just like, I just, it feels
like water being poured over me. It's just amazing. I'm so glad I know it's the children's
bread. It belongs to all of us. And like I said, I don't, I don't charge people for this information.
I charge them to walk, you know, to walk people through it. I mean, not that,
not that I'm charging about it in this April and September.
I'm just saying that this is what I do for a living.
I don't, and the reason I say that is I don't charge for the information because
the information is not mine. You know, it's, it's, it's your inheritance.
It's my inheritance. I don't have,
I don't have a corner on this market. You know what I'm saying? You know,
it's the Lord's and it's ours. And, um, and,
and it's refreshing when we hear it because we're like, this is who I am.
And this is so I am between me and the Lord and the Lord gave me this and this
is my relationship with them and all of that. And it's very, it's rewarding.
Um, but yeah. Oh, and just one more thing I wanted to say, uh, the Lord, uh,
there's actually a lot of spiritual work that the Lord does when we're asleep.
So if we pray, you know, before we get,
if we talk to the Lord before we go to sleep and say, Lord, you know, just, uh,
you know, I just want you to know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,
I'm consciously choosing to release, um, to,
to open myself up so that you,
your spirit comes in and ministers to my spirit and that my spirit comes in and,
and just starts, uh, you know,
being more open to your revelation and that it begins to heal things in me.
He'll do that. Even when our, even when our body is unconscious,
even when our mind is unconscious,
there's a lot of spiritual work that ends up going on when we're,
when we're asleep,
which is sometimes why we wake up very,
very refreshed and other times where we sleep for a really long time.
But our, we, we wake up not feeling refreshed.
Our spirits are doing things while we're asleep.
Or when you make a wake up mad. Is that why you wake up mad sometimes?
Really? You can wake up.
They do all kinds of things. Yeah. We, we,
and are much more aware of what it is that they're doing when they're asleep.
Um, uh, I currently am not as aware.
I have become more aware of like dreams because before I wasn't
aware that I was in dreams until I woke up.
Now I'm a bit more aware of something that it's a dream and it,
and that means that I'm, I'm,
I'm accessing the fact that my spirit is doing things
while I'm asleep and I'm much more in my soul is more conscious of it,
which is what I want it to do as opposed to me shutting my, my soul off.
My spirit just does things and I have no idea what's going on. Um, so yeah,
our God, uh, God, God,
we actually end up doing a lot of things while we're asleep that we just
aren't conscious of them.
But I'm trying to transition to the point where I'm more and more conscious of
them the way that some people are, but God's journeying me into that.
But yeah, that's really neat. I know I get crazy dreams when I'm pregnant.
Maybe it's because there's an extra soul in me.
There you go. That's right. I don't know. That's fine. That's a lot of fun.
Yeah.
Yeah. Well, anyway,
I don't really think I have anything more to like ask you or talk about unless
you have more.
I don't, I don't, I don't. You asked a really good question.
Well, I hope it made sense. I feel like this whole week I was like,
I felt like just the blender full of junk and I was like,
we're just going to get on the phone and we'll figure it out when we get there.
I was like, I should really give you a heads up about what I'm feeling.
And I'm like, I have no idea what I'm feeling. I just,
I have no idea what to do. So I was like,
I'm just going to get on the phone and figure it out.
Yeah. Most of my clients do that.
Most of my clients do not tell me what they want to talk about beforehand.
I say most, yeah,
most of the time my clients get on the phone without telling me,
but every day that I have,
that I have some clients that sometimes and actually quite often they do tell me
ahead of time,
but that's just because they think about things throughout the week.
And then when I just let me know, Oh, by the way,
I really want to know this because that's important to them.
It's important to them that, Hey, by the way,
I really like to know this, but otherwise we'll just get on a call and,
and they and they just start talking.
And some people come with a list of questions cause it's their personality.
Others don't come on with any questions and they're like, I don't know.
No, we're going to talk about, but I just ask them. So how have you been?
What have you been doing since we last talked? And then all of a sudden
like this, you didn't have those questions. All I did was ask you,
how have you been? And all of a sudden you're like, well,
this is how I've been coming to think of it.
Yeah, no, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot.
It's great.
Yeah. Well I've enjoyed spending time with you. I'll look forward to the next one.
Yeah, definitely. But I am going to go, but last night we were up again till like,
after midnight and then Eric woke up and was up for like hours during the night.
And I'm like, tonight I have to go to bed and I have to get some sleep.
I took a long nap. So now I'm like,
I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to sleep.
But tonight, I was like, I have got to go to bed before 12 o'clock, so.
Yeah.
So just think of a restful thought.
Like don't try to reconcile or understand anything tonight.
Just enjoy the fact that I can think about everything and solve all those problems tomorrow.
I can solve what I'm going to get at the grocery store tomorrow.
I'm going to solve what I'm going to get at Eric's tomorrow.
I like that one.
I do need to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
But that's a good advice.
I'm going to have to do that.
Well, you take care.
Yes, you too.
Thanks so much for your time, Ashley.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks, Carrie.
Always good to talk to you.
Yes, you too.
Bye.
Talk to you later.
Bye.