And it totally hit the nail on the head and I was like, okay, I can't ignore this anymore.
Like something is going on.
And then you kept talking about how, like, we just feel this frustration or this thing,
like this vagueness that we're trying to get ahold of to put somewhere.
And that is exactly how I felt today.
And I just kept like, it just kept coming out of me and all of a sudden I was like,
I am terrified of this intensive ending because I'm so scared of everything just going back
to normal.
Like, it's like, what am I going to do tomorrow?
Like tomorrow's the last day.
And I have so much anxiety about it because I'm like, what am I going to do?
I don't know where to go.
And I like had this total breakdown, freak out moment.
I'm like, I have to call Ashley, I'm losing my mind.
I just, I feel so, I feel so terrified of being abandoned by God.
I think that's just the bottom line.
Like, I feel like everything is going so well, like in my business, like I'm not doing anything
and I'm still getting people to sign up.
I don't, I don't know how that's working.
I literally don't know.
And like our marriage is fine, parenting is fine.
Everything in life is amazing and wonderful.
But then I look at me in God and I'm like, I'm just, I'm just waiting for something to
like, to frame day, you know, I don't know, hit me over the head or something.
It feels like, but I'm like, how can all these other, if, if God and I are what is determines
the rest of my life, how can the rest of my life feel so wonderful and me still be so
terrified of my relationship with the Lord?
That makes sense.
Yeah.
And I was just, it just doesn't make sense because I feel, I feel absolutely like frozen
in life right now because I'm so scared that I'm going to be abandoned again.
And I feel like I've, I've spent so many years, you know, of isolation and absolute desperation
and like, I refuse to do anything unless I know that we're going to go forward from this
point.
And even like reading the Bible and praying, like I can't, I just can't because it's so
familiar from how I used to operate.
I'm just, I'm just terrified.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so scared of being abandoned again.
Yeah.
No, no.
I mean, that, that everyone is, the difference with you is that you're aware of it, which
is good because it means that you've got a tremendous potential to actually, to actually
progress faster than, I feel like the worst, I feel, I was, I feel like the worst student
ever.
Like I feel so needy.
I said, I know now what you meant when you said it gets ugly.
And that's why I make sure, that's why I do calls with people before they join the intensive
and I'm like, okay, so I've got to talk to people and make sure, in fact, I was talking
to two people yesterday who were both interested and they asked, so what can we do to join
the group?
Like, if we were interested, whatever.
And I said, I have one requirement for people.
I said, I get on a call with anyone before I accept them into the group.
And my one requirement is I have to know that they're serious, that they want this for themselves
because I said, this is not something that you do if you're bored.
This is something like I am serious about owning and shifting in my relationship with
the Lord.
I said, that is my one criteria for accepting people is to make sure, because it's not,
it's not something that you want to, I don't want to say that it's not something you want
to mess with.
It's something that doesn't have to play with, you know, it's like, and then when you actually
really want to do it, God's going to take you seriously, you do all of this.
He's more excited about this than you are.
He's more invested in it.
If you could put it in these terms, he's pouring more energy into it in time and attention
than you are.
So you're perfectly safe as far as it, you know, in all of that.
And the thing is that, you know, you're like, Oh, you know what?
I feel like I'm going to be, I feel everything's going so well because before you're going
quote, unquote uphill, like, okay, well, hey, you know, I'm going to try to believe I'm
going to have faith and then whatever, and all my work, he keeps coming through, he keeps
coming through.
So it's like, you're growing in faith and now all of these things look so wonderful
in your mind.
You're going, there is nowhere else to go.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah.
The shoe to drop.
Yeah.
The really neat thing is now to brought you to this point that he's like, okay, you see
what I can do now.
I want you to believe that I won't abandon you.
Like I will do all of these things and now I won't leave.
So that's now this.
The other step is now not live life constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.
And you do know I'm preaching to the choir at the same time.
So that's the word that's with me.
Like he'll come through and he'll come through and he'll come through and I'm like, I'm like,
this is amazing.
And there's something that's niggling in the back of my mind going where I'm just waiting
for the shoe to drop, waiting for the relationship to fall through, waiting for someone to come
up with something, waiting for the Lord to do X, Y, and Z and waiting for something,
waiting for a prayer that I prayed for to not be answered, waiting to be left out.
So now that is what I have to, um, uh, now that is, you know, when the Lord has, is doing
all of these wonderful things, that's now what he's asking of us.
It's like, no, no, no.
Now I really want you to have faith that I'm not that now that you, now that you know that
you have me as opposed to waiting to see if I'm going to come in, which is what it
feels like.
Cause then it feels like he's gone.
We're waiting for him to prove like he's come back, right?
Always there.
It feels like in our life, it feels like he's coming back and now that he's here, we're
like, I'm just waiting for you to leave.
I'm waiting with jaded breath for you to abandon me.
And that's now a part where he wants you to trust that he really won't leave, that he's
never.
And the thing is that we were confused early on when we thought Aaron, he was coming back.
He was proving he'd never left and he was always there.
And so now that everything looks good and Rosie, just like we hoped it would trust that
I'm not going to abandon you just to let you know, then it's going to get to the point
where, and this is what's happened with me, where he doesn't answer certain prayers in
the way that I thought that he would, or he doesn't, certain things don't happen the way
that I expected it would.
But by that time I realized when God first did that for me, I was expecting something
to happen, expecting him to quote unquote come through for me after he'd been proven
himself up to this point.
And now I'm like waiting for this new one.
And then, and it didn't happen, at least in the way that I expected it to, and maybe something
else happens that I've not, that I haven't put the, I haven't put two and two together
on yet.
But as of this moment, I look at it and go, well, Lord, I still don't see how you came
through.
And however, the interesting thing is he had proven himself so much by that point that
I did not question his character, even though it didn't, it didn't happen the way I thought.
So in other words, I began to rely on his character without having to have things proven
to me that he was still there.
So that's now the part of the journey that you're on is to trust that he's there and
that he's not abandoned, regardless of what everything else looks around, look around
you.
Right now, everything looks good and you're waiting for everything to not look good anymore
in order to prove, oh, see, he's gone.
He's like, no, I want you to be there regardless of what's going on, because our reliance needs
to be in his character.
So anyway, just FYI about kind of like, uh, maybe, maybe kind of the landmarks about where
you are right now and, but no, that's the thing is when God is proving to us, you know,
that he's there, he doesn't tease us like, hey, I'm going to come through and I'm going
to come through and I can throw it.
I'm going to dangle this thing in front of you.
Okay.
Now that you're relying on me, I'm going to pull the rug out from under you.
And he doesn't because what he's doing is he's proving the character of his very nature
to us.
It's his nature, not something he does to you, not the way he interacts with you.
It is his nature to always be present with you, period.
That's, that's his very nature.
It's not something he's just like, oh, well, wouldn't this be a fun game for us to play?
Or wouldn't this be nice for us to spend some time together before I go on a trip?
He's like, no, I don't know how to do anything other than be with you.
That's the very nature of who God is because you're one with him, he's one with you, etc.
So, um, but anyway, uh, yeah, so keep going.
I just wanted to.
I was just thinking too, I find myself in a hard place between knowing, if believing
in the character of God, if that's applying an action or striving even more so.
You know what I mean?
I'm trying to figure out how to explain it.
Simply believing in the character of God, and I do know, I agree with what you were
saying, that God is just asking me to call on the character of God and to believe the
character of God.
And then I just simply believe it.
I don't have to, that's not considered striving or doing anything or working for my salvation.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, so you know that there's a difference between the trying to believe versus the believing.
So in our old preachers, understanding and believing was something that we had to try
for because it was a godly thing.
Believing's a godly thing, but in the old nature, we only understood it from a certain
perspective where we thought it was something we had to drum up within ourselves, we had
to create, we have to, in other words, there's a feeling that's going to come with it.
And unless I feel the feeling, well then I'm not really believing, so I've got to, what
is it that I can do to drum up that feeling so I know that I'm, that has no place whatsoever
if that's the old man.
So your very nature is one that believes your father.
And remember that believing comes effortlessly because believing comes by hearing and hearing
comes by the word of God.
So all you have to do is hear it and hear it and hear it and hear it, and it could be
through somebody else's voice, it could be through Bible, it could be through, it could
be through God speaking to your heart, you know, in other words, speaking to your spirit.
All of those, you should hear the spirit of God in all of those.
When someone else is speaking, it should be the spirit of God that your spirit is resonating
with.
When you read the Bible, it should be the living, breathing spirit of God that you're
hearing in those words, not these words that are in black and white that you're trying
to logically interpret and trying really hard to believe that, well, it's written in black
and white, so I should probably believe that it's true.
No, it should be a living, breathing spirit from the Lord.
And so whatever it is, it's all word.
And so that word will generate hearing.
In other words, you'll hear the word.
And as you hear the word, you will naturally come to believe it.
It's your nature.
It's a spiritual principle that you literally cannot help.
If you hear the word of God, you will naturally believe it without trying.
The thing that gets in the way is if we try to resurrect that old creature or we try to
hold on to lies that are actually very difficult for us to hold on to, grab a hold of.
We think that they're easy because we've done them for so long, but they're actually so
contrary to our nature, we're actually exerting a lot of effort to hold on to them.
But if we don't hold on to them, we don't even have to try to believe.
We just hear the word of God and we naturally believe it.
So you just soak in his presence, just in his spirit.
You just choose to believe it.
You don't try to believe it.
You choose it.
I choose that that's my reality.
I choose that he loves me.
I don't feel it.
Sometimes it might even be difficult to believe more about specific things.
Say, for instance, that you have a very difficult, that's a good example, that if you have a
very difficult time, oh, I don't know, like some area in which you've struggled believing
that God coming through for you in a certain area, like, I don't know, I'm just going to
use finances.
You have a difficult time believing that he's going to come through for you in finances.
So it might, if it's, if it is too difficult, because I've done this different ways, I've
done it where it's where I can actually manage to choose to believe that he's so loving that
he will give me money or he will give me or whatever.
So every time that fear comes up of, oh my word, what am I going to do about money?
Oh my word, how am I going to pay for this or whatever?
And I can choose, you know what God says, I choose to believe that God is so loving
of me and he is so good that he is going to provide for my finances and he's going to
make sure that that bill gets paid.
or whatever. But there are times when the thing that I am struggling with is so
difficult. And I'll be transparent. The difficult thing that I have, that I
struggle with, and I may have mentioned this to y'all, has actually not been provision
protection or identity. My biggest struggles with the Lord are struggles with
feeling emotionally abandoned by Him. Feeling unlovable, unlikable, and that I
can't expect to be comforted by Him. Those are my biggest issues in life. I
have struggled with identity with Him. I have struggled with feeling like He
won't provide for me, and I have dealt with feeling that He won't protect me.
But those were not as strong as my belief that He doesn't love me, He
doesn't like me, and He won't comfort me. That He brings me pain and I can't
expect that He's going to be there and like bring me comfort. So if I'm
struggling, like say for instance, in a relationship issue, I have sometimes
really struggled, especially in certain moments, believing, choosing to believe
that God loves me enough and is so good that He's going to provide for me in a
relationship. You know, in a specific relationship that maybe I'm struggling
with or whatever. So I forget about the detail part and just do what I can, which
is, I just choose to believe that He is amazingly loving to me. That He is, that
He's as big in love and in goodness as I can in my mind imagine Him to be. So in
other words, you see that it's general because I didn't believe I was
struggling too much to choose to believe that He was that good and that loving
that He would come for me, come through for me in a specific area because I was
still too wounded in that area. The point is, do what you can. If you can do it, if you
can choose to believe for a specific area. Again, you're not looking for a
feeling. You're making an intentional decision. I'm going to choose. I don't
even know whether or not God is that loving and I don't know whether or not
He's that good. I'm going to choose that He is. He says that He is. I don't know
that I believe it, but I'm going to choose it. And so, I mean, we're talking that
drastic. I think I may have mentioned to you, if I'm repeating myself, here we go
repeating myself, that I, when I stepped into this, I did not believe that
this life was true. Did I tell you that? Did I mention that? I had to choose it. And so I've
remembered that going forward, that whenever I struggle with something like,
oh my word, what if, I'm worried that God's going to abandon me. I mean, it could be a
general abandonment or it could be an abandonment in a specific area like finances, a
relationship I'm struggling with, I'm feeling alone, I'm feeling, whatever my
issue is. If I am so wounded in a particular area that I can't trust Him
for a detail, then I will, I'll do what I can, which is just trust in general. I
choose to believe that He's about to do something loving and I make it as big as I possibly can. So I do
what I give to God and I meet God wherever it is that I'm able to. And then
that is becoming so big because I'm choosing that. God's pleased with the
fact that I'm choosing that. And it becomes so big in my world because I
continually, throughout the day, whenever I have those, whenever I have that fear
crop up or whatever, I tell myself, tell my soul, this is what I'm choosing, this
is what I'm choosing, this is what I'm choosing. And it'll eventually become so big that I'm
able to then trust Him specifically for the thing, like for the relationship, for
the finances. And then I do that and then eventually it just becomes so big
that it pushes out any negativity, any fear, etc. So I just wanted to be
encouraging about that. Give, as far as like, you know, whether belief is trying.
Belief, according to our very nature, that belief, that godly
belief that's of the new creature, very natural, very effortless, comes
through hearing. Hearing comes by the word and you just choose it.
It's not a feeling. You just, you choose it and then you get to the point where you
actually, you, your soul, because it's agreeing with the spirit, because
choosing it, it eventually begins to feel different. And you begin to know, even
without having to see it in scripture, you know that it's true.
I began to transition and choose to believe this, all of this, then I began to know that
it was true, and I had found it in scripture at that point, and I knew it was true, because
all I need is the Word of God to tell me so, and the Word of God does not have to be in
black and white for it to be the Word of God.
It was after it was confirmed in my spirit that it was true that I started finding it
in the Bible.
So do you see how all of this sounds so backwards from the way we've been taught?
I chose something I didn't believe in, and then I came to believe it, and I hadn't even
found it in scripture yet.
I had to hunt for it.
People still to this day will ask me certain things, in fact, somebody asked me something
the other day that I believe, well, where is that in scripture?
I'm like, well, you know what?
I don't know, but I know it's in there, so just a second, let me go find it, because
I had to look for it for myself, because my God told me it was true.
That's all I need.
So apparently, if he told me it was true, it's in the Bible somewhere.
He just hadn't shown me that.
But I'm in a relationship with a being, not a book, but the book will never contradict
him.
So if I found out from him, that's enough.
So anyway, I wanted to give you encouragement that you don't have to be looking for a feeling,
and that you just give God whatever it is that you can, and you choose it, and then
it'll come down, and it will be effortless.
You don't have to try for belief, you don't have to worry, I don't think I'm believing,
I bet I'm falling short somehow, what if I don't have enough belief, what if I don't
have enough faith to sustain me, and whatever.
You don't have to worry about any of that.
All of it's a choice, and God is more pleased about it than you, and he's honestly putting
in more effort than you are.
He always does.
He doesn't meet us halfway.
He goes, you know, literally, he goes 100%.
All we have to do is receive it, but he goes 100%.
So you don't have to worry that, well, he's only met us 50, you know, it's not 50%, he's
waiting for us to come the other 50, 100%, we just have to receive it.
So in other words, he's more excited about it than you are, he's not going to abandon
us, all of this.
So I'm saying all these things knowing that it may not change your feelings at the moment,
but to give you encouragement that you just choose to believe that that is his character,
that is his nature, he's done everything, he's more excited, won't abandon, whatever,
and then you choose to step into that.
But anyway, that's what I have so far, but what are your, I mean, I understand that you're
still, that you might still emotionally be thinking, I know, but I still feel like I'm
And, you know, what are your thoughts?
Oh, no, I mean, I honestly, like, I know, I'm okay with it just being a process, honestly,
like, I don't know, I just don't feel the need to stress about it.
And I was just thinking, too, like, I think the best way that I can sum it up is that
what you were talking about, how, when we get so worried and frustrated about the destination,
that we forget that we're, it's not about the destination, it's the journey.
And I was like, Oh, my goodness, like, that is so, so what I need to hear, because so
often, I'm like, well, God's gonna get me to this destination, you know, where I'm gonna
be able to do this and this and know this and feel this and, you know, be this wonderful
Christian.
And it's not about that, like, it just totally, totally made sense.
I brought a lot of peace into my heart to know that it's not about getting somewhere.
Like, it's not, it's about the journey to get there.
Yeah, enjoying him and him enjoying you in the process, you know, always enjoying us.
So the only thing is, sometimes that's enjoying him, you know, that's not our nature is naturally
enjoying him, we just have to step into it.
But the thing is, that's all he wants.
He's like, have fun with me.
Let's just have fun doing this.
It's not getting somewhere and, and where we're always lacking.
You heard my, when he showed me the scroll, and there was no beginning, no ending, and
I was so bummed.
I was like, man, because I couldn't measure myself.
How far have I gone?
He's like, exactly.
The point is, I just couldn't take a walk.
You aren't a perfectionist by chance, are you?
Oh my gosh, I could tell you stories.
Oh, I said I could tell you stories.
In fact, I realized it was a major problem when I was in, I think it was in eighth grade.
I realized what a major problem it was.
So what I used to do is I used to write papers and, and if I had even like one, like mistake
or whatever, I would like start all over.
So I used, so what I.
Realize, I realized I was such a perfectionist. I had to deal with this that I would what I would do is I would write papers.
And instead of writing a single draft first draft or second draft and in a final copy, which is what I taught us to do. I would write one draft in pen. The first time it was, you know, no, no computers back then.
Then I would read through it, find all of the mistakes so that I would know how many there were and what they were. And then I would hand it in. That is how I taught myself to get over perfectionism.
That big of a problem.
Mark out, you know, like I like accidentally misspelled a word or I hadn't had like the perfect penmanship. I have one mark out, I would scratch it, even if it was at the end of the page. I was scrapping and start all over.
And this is in the Lord told me this is the problem. So I just came up with my I'm just, I know.
Know exactly where they are.
And like that, you know, you're
Lower grade. So yes, I
That's funny.
But anyway,
That's funny. Oh, man.
But yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I don't really have anything else. I mean, unless you have like questions or something to say.
I can't really think of anything else really to that I had wanted to ask you about necessarily
So, I mean, like,
What are you thinking, how you feel. And I mean, did what I say it did what I say help or did it feel like, yeah, but that's not really hitting
Yeah, I mean, you didn't take my feelings away, which is fine, but you, you, you were able to provide the solution of what to do.
I just, yeah, the thought of this. The thought of the intense bending, like I literally felt like I had to, you know, I have to go back and read this book.
Yeah, I mean, you didn't take my feelings away, which is fine, but you, you, you were able to provide the solution of what to do.
I just, yeah, the thought of this. The thought of the intense bending, like I literally cannot go there. I cannot think about it because I'm like, what am I going to do?
Oh, yeah. Let's talk about that. Why? Why is that a problem?
I'm just scared that I'm just gonna go back to how I was
And why would you go back to where you were?
Because I don't have all of your information.
Yeah.
The Lord will reveal all of it to you, you know, and because the Lord revealed all of this to me. And, and so for one thing, y'all, you have access to, I'm going to tell you all this and I'm going to tell you
Something in a minute, but just, just the fact that, you know, God, I promise, does not, doesn't abandon us and I am not the solution.
He's the one who, he's the one who brought you to this point. And I'm telling you everything you already know this is, this is just a third party telling you, you know, so that somebody outside of your own head is also telling you the same thing you already know.
And that is, you know, the fact that God does so much work in your heart, you know, you know, your spirit, like, hey, I've got something for you. And you're like, what, what is it? What, what, what, what do you do? What is the shift?
Does not feel good. What's going on. And then you heard about the April intensive. You thought that you weren't going to be able to get in. And then he found out that that you were one of the names that God gave me because he told me now on other names, but he told me, yes, I'm going to be able to get in.
And so all of that, that is all God doing all of this work because he saw
And because it was important to him and you were seeking him, but you didn't know necessarily what for like
What for what specifically and he's like, I do. So he provided what he knew what exactly what he knew that he wanted you to have
And he did all of the work. So if he did all of that work for me to this point.
Then he's not going to, you know, abandon you at this point and say, hey, by the way, good luck. You know, I've given you as far as I'm going to go. Now I want you to do it on your own.
And make sure you don't mess it up, you know,
That that whole way. And I was just like saying, you know, remember what he's done in your life to bring you to this point. He was constantly proving and constantly proving and constantly proving and so he's going to continue to do so, even though you can't see what tomorrow's like or
So, so that that all being said, and the other thing is, this is something that the Lord has been talking about. And so I was going to share it with everybody. I guess I was going to share it tomorrow and and that is the fact that I'm going to be
And I just haven't announced on Facebook yet.
Because I wanted to tell y'all first, and that is the fact that I'm going to open up the
I believe what I'm going to do is start a new group only this group one month long. It's just going to be a community, so to speak.
And it's going to be an ongoing community where you know new intensive people come in and and it's going to offer the same way that this group has
The only difference is people never leave. So it's going to all you know if y'all
Since y'all have talked about private things in this Facebook group and didn't know would be open to other people that I just leave this one here only dollar part of that one.
But then ask y'all if y'all would like to transition over to the new group.
In which new people will be added and they'll be going through the intensive while y'all will no longer be in the intensive
But you'll still be in the group. And so the way it'll work is it'll work the same way that this group has brought still have the group sessions once a week that everybody can still join
You know, including y'all still come in and ask questions. You can still have access to me. I'll jump in and I'll do live all of that, but I won't
But the teachings that the new people will be well that that the new people who will be doing intensive for four weeks that I'll have pre recorded videos that I did live for y'all.
For pre recorded videos that they will watch in order and then they'll have private sessions with me once a week for four weeks.
In the group, you'll have all of the all of the new videos. So some of the old videos, you know, in that old in that old
Videos in the new group as well as in your lives that I jumped in and do and I post y'all want to post, you know, just like this group on that other one is can constantly have new people added to it. So the only difference between the new that the
The
The way that or continuing people versus versus new ones that the new ones will have the private sessions and there are some things that for y'all were optional, but for new people. I'm going to make this requirement things like certain like posts per week and
The other thing I was going to do. Yeah, there's like one or two other things that I was going to make as a requirement as in order to
Just kind of help increase that I don't know. I don't want to say increase that kind of help people with their with their can their commitment to themselves to progress and all of that. So,
I don't know if that makes any sense. So anyway, so words, the y'all y'all
Y'all won't be intensive members, but you'll still be in the community and we'll still acting in the same way that we've done at one point, but
You know, they're all that my private sessions that will be with the new people, but y'all still have like group sessions once a week and whatever to ask questions and still
Talk to me and I'll still be in the group and whatever so
If y'all don't want it to if y'all want
Well, you know, my answer is
See, God not
Provided
Like
The constant continuation, right.
It's a constant continuation
Exactly.
Exactly. Reaffirming. So yeah, I thought about the fact that, well, you know, I want people because people living this life. There's so few people doing it percentage wise, there's so few people doing
And I wanted us to have a community where we were all encouraging each other like, you know, because it's hard if you if you go out and you talk to, I don't know, your parents or friends or neighbors.
And and you feel like a like this. I don't know. You feel like that and I know like that the duck in the middle of the gates or something. You're just like, I do not understand.
One out and yet I'm
Special
And you have a community that is is supportive and it is all living this life. And then you have the new members who are learning how to live this life because we're now
So it's an ongoing thing. But anyway, so
Makes sense.
Because I didn't want to it to just like
start and stop and then people just kind of be like okay well you know where do I go from here
it's kind of like being in a church or whatever well you're not in church for just a short amount
of time so I wanted people because this is so rare you know for people to have a support it's
done as far as like having a community that where this type of thing was talked about
and where they have other people where they're watching our living life the way that they're
choosing to so anyway
well I'm sorry it's been a hard day it's okay I just I'm just hanging on for the ride it feels
like I'm like every day I'm like I don't know what to expect and it just comes and goes and
I'm just glad that I have you to call and cry to someone to understand I'm like I don't know
how someone goes through this without having someone like that understands what you're going
through it's hard it's so hard so that's why the Lord gave me that put it on my heart
to provide this for other people so that they wouldn't have to do so much of what I did where
I didn't ask questions so I mean there were things I went through there there was one person
that I ended up being able to bounce a few just a handful of questions on here and there and I'm
talking about just this handful of questions was a lifesaver but then even then though there were
times where I knew people were out there that were living this but I just didn't
and I didn't have I didn't feel like I had access to them and so I'm just like I'm out
here I'm like Lord what is going on what what is are you doing something or is this indicative of
the fact that I'm like messed it up you know and whatever and there was a time that I was gonna I
was gonna share with the group that there was a time in in learning how to how to go through all
of this where I got down to because I've been going I've been learning how to live this way for
you know for a bit and and so so there was one time there was a time where I had six dollars
and 54 cents to my name and no one knew that meaning God well and I and my internet was about
to be cut off and that was my uh you know that I've I've I do you know you know I do uh uh like
you do offer clients and and um I've been I've been doing internet for internet solid for I don't
a year and a half I guess a little over a year and a half yeah anyway long time and um well I mean
it feels like a long time and there was a time where I was down to six dollars and 50 percent
to my name and I did not have money for internet as like and so I stopped everything I'm supposed
to do I stopped everything and my internet was going to be cut off that day so I told the Lord
the Lord you know I need 70 dollars for my internet I've got nothing and this is how I
interact with people this is whatever what do I do and I calmed myself down
someone talking to you is your husband talking to you he is in the background he's not talking
he's on he has a headset on he's talking to someone else
in any way so I lay down on my bed you know to get calm and quiet and just
and just get with the Lord and so I said this is the situation
what you know whether you what are you going to do you know not like not like a what are you
going to do but just kind of like hey you know I don't know what to do you know you know how are
you you said that you're going to provide for me and you protect me and so I'm choosing to believe
that I don't know what to do what are we going to do and so and so he said hey you know weren't
your parents going to give you money for yeah weren't didn't they say that they were going to
give you 75 dollars for something that you had purchased a while back and I was like yes and
so what did they pay you for that I don't know so I asked my mom you know hey mom did you put
that in my in my bank account and she said no I haven't yet it's 75 dollars no I haven't yet
She said, would you want me to transfer it now?
Sure.
She said, well, I was just waiting on you and letting you know it was a good time.
I said, yeah, yeah, it was a good time.
So she transferred it over.
Oh my goodness.
And then there was another time I had $9 and something cents.
And someone, I ended up getting, within the space of a few hours, $17 from someone.
Yeah, through something very unexpected.
And they ended up giving me $17.
So I went from getting the $17, I went to Walmart to get groceries with that money.
I did not, I did not count the money of what it was I was purchasing.
I just thought, okay, what would I normally buy?
I'd normally buy this number of milk ones.
I'd buy this.
And I'm looking at the milk thinking, you know what?
I don't really need the milk.
That's a luxury.
But then I thought, yeah, but actually, if you had the money, would you normally get milk?
Like, yes, I would.
You know, but hey, God's going to, I don't have to scrimp and all that.
So I filled, I got all of my things.
I went to, I went to the self-checkout.
Everything was $17 and 59 cents.
Wow.
Because he's just providing records.
He's always going to provide.
I don't have to, my bank account doesn't indicate anything.
I just continually know.
And here's the thing was, it wasn't that I was believing.
I was believing that I was loved.
I just believe I'm loved.
Just believe I'm loved.
And I see the money in my bank account.
I'm like, okay, Lord, I believe that I'm loved.
I believe you love me.
I don't really know what to do because the internet says it's $70.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
And I've looked at options about lowering it and figure out, well, could I do that?
And still do, you know, what is required for my business?
And no, I couldn't.
I had to have the 70 package.
And so I'm like, okay, Lord, I don't know how you want to provide for this situation.
But here's my situation.
What would you like me to do?
And that's when he responded to me.
And then later on, you know, I only had $9 and something cents.
And they provided the exact money that I was going to get groceries.
And I thought, how am I going to get groceries?
And he provided for me.
You know, it's just new records in me of him.
And the point isn't that I'm getting certain dollars.
It was that that's what, because speak to me in a language that I'm going to enter.
And he's not ever going to be out to me.
So, and he's done that in relationships.
He's done that in business.
He's done that in all kinds of, he's constantly creating new records in me that he will not ever abandon me.
And I'm choosing.
And to me, because I'm choosing.
That's interesting though, because I was just thinking like, I,
I'm not one to like worry about finances or provisions.
Like I literally like money was such a big deal in our house growing up.
Like I could literally, I literally don't care what we have in our bank account ever.
It's just not a big deal to me.
And, but there's like, there's so many things that, that the Lord,
that God has done like miraculously, like sending us checks.
When I literally like, didn't even know what was in our account.
And there's so many things like even in our marriage and with Eric and like,
there's so many things here physically in my world that are miraculous,
but then I'm still like, where are you God?
But I guess I never thought that that is his way of communicating with me.
In the spiritual sense. I mean, in essence, that's what you're saying, right?
Speaking it in a language that I understand.
Yeah.
You're going to see and interpret it as loving, loving you.
Do you know if there's some other area that he's not coming through for you in?
And, and so that.
Do you feel that you're going to be banned?
Or what is the area that you feel most threatened
that he might abandon you in?
Oh, I would say definitely health.
Oh, really?
In the health?
OK.
So like, for my family.
Not necessarily specifically for me.
But Josh has celiacs where he goes into anaphylactic shock
and could die.
And Eric has an extremely bad egg allergy
where his throat closes and he can't breathe.
And I'm like, when are you?
I'm just waiting.
When is the day that one of my loved ones are going to die?
That is my struggle.
And I'm like, how can I have faith and feed my husband?
Does that mean feeding my husband something that the doctors
will say will kill him?
That's my hang up.
I mean, financially, provision, I never stay awake at night.
We have been overdrawn in our account.
And it still doesn't stress me out.
And even relationships don't really
seem to bother me that much.
Our marriage, it was at one point just extremely
malfunctioning.
But it's not anymore.
But I think that the one thing is health.
Well, especially since it's affecting the ones that I love
and the ones that provide for me and protect me.
So it's not necessarily something happening to me.
It's something happening to the ones who are taking care of me,
if that makes sense.
Yeah, very much so.
Yeah.
That's where your concerns that you might feel that God
might abandon you.
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's why I get so confused.
Because I'm like, what more is it going to take
to make that connection?
Because, I mean, it seemed like the Lord literally
made a garden physically in my backyard by Himself.
Like, I didn't even have to do anything.
And I'm like, what more?
I feel frustrated with myself.
Because sometimes I'm like, what more is it
going to take for it to click?
Because there are so many things where I'm like,
I know that that was God.
But it still doesn't end that fear in me.
Yeah.
Well, you can remember that, again,
believing by hearing and hearing by the word.
His word speaks in a variety of ways.
So His word is speaking through how He's providing for y'all,
or in your marriage, or in your parenting, or whatever.
So He's going to continue to speak to you
in those sort of ways, and in the word, and in all of that.
You just take in the words that He's speaking to you
in a variety of ways that He's speaking,
which is how He's coming through in various areas,
including how you feel Him in your spirit,
including what it is you read in the Bible,
and that really ministers to you, and just whatever.
The variety of ways in which we receive His word,
we're going to hear it, and then we're going to believe it.
So we don't, again, we don't have
to worry about all of these things, and try, try, try.
We're going to just choose the truth, receive it,
and then we will naturally believe it.
No rhyme or rhyme, that's what it was.
I can tell you what I talked about.
Once we get rid of the other stuff,
we don't even have to try to receive it.
We just naturally do, because it's in our nature to receive it.
It's in our nature.
And really, I'm going to probably, for the next group,
I'm going to describe that a bit differently,
because I feel that that picture is a very limited view,
because we're not being filled up with something.
We already are that thing in our nature, and it can't come to us.
So I don't, that picture kind of helped me in the beginning,
and so I used it for other people,
but I'm going to describe it to you all,
but I realized, oh, it just feels so limited,
because it's so much more than that.
But my point is, again, just, so don't worry so much about,
oh, my word, how much more is it going to take?
Just gratefully, you know, as in like, you know,
with an open heart and an open spirit, receive whatever he gives,
and then he will continue to give it,
and you will continue to seek him, because you want it.
You'll continue to seek his word in various areas,
whether it be seeing it in the way you provide it for your garden
or the way he's providing in your marriage
or the way he's providing in your, with your child,
the way he's providing in health, the way he's providing with business,
the way he's providing with clients.
He's bringing you clients, but you said, you're like,
I don't even always bring you clients.
I think that's wonderful.
It's like a place of rest for us, just like, hey, it's fine.
Let me do it.
Just receive all of those things and don't stand in resistance of them.
For the others to drop and then you will come to naturally believe it.
You don't have to try to believe it, you just receive everything with an open heart as opposed
to, there was actually something I was going to post today in the group, but let me just
read it to you.
That God doesn't want us to live the journey in anticipation of a possible disappointment.
We're constantly in anticipation of a disappointment.
In other words, God does not want us to live and does not mean us to live in such a way
as where we're constantly trying to avoid pain.
That is no way to live.
We're constantly trying to mitigate risk.
Just receive what he's giving you with an open heart.
Don't worry about the fact that, oh my word, how much more is it going to take until I
believe.
If you naturally receive everything that he's given you very gratefully and with an open
heart, again, you don't have to try, you don't have to try to drum up a feeling.
You just openly receive it.
Don't think, oh my word, what strings are coming with this?
What strings are attached to this?
When's the shoe going to drop?
Allow yourself to be vulnerable to the Lord.
Allow yourself to open up and then you are naturally going to believe.
You don't have to try for that.
The difficult thing is that we have to open ourselves up to be vulnerable.
Believe it and not allow ourselves to constantly wait for the other shoe to drop.
That's all that he wants.
Because waiting for that shoe to drop is resistance.
You know, give your attention, it's anticipation of disappointment.
That's what that attention is.
It's just waiting.
It's just, I'm just hanging on and God's like, that's what I want you to let go of.
That's what true love is.
It's total vulnerability.
It's like, oh my word, what could happen?
And when you do that, that's all he's asking for is giving up of that resistance, releasing
and you will naturally receive belief without words.
Belief and belief is effortless to your journey.
Don't worry that, oh my word, how much more is it going to take?
Um, this, whatever, however much it takes to, uh, for you to let go.
So if you let go now, I'm just like, okay, Lord, I'm going to allow myself to be open
and vulnerable.
Then, um, then, uh, anyway, healing and belief will come in naturally.
That's very helpful.
Cause I feel like I felt stuck because I knew that what I was doing before, or what I was
basically what you were saying about believing and the striving to work something up out
of yourself.
And that was what I thought, like, that's the only option.
And I refuse to do it.
I'm like, I'm not, I'm not doing it.
And so I'm like, okay, well then where, where else am I like, how else, how else am I supposed
to believe?
You know what I mean?
Um, but that really helps clarify a lot of what I was feeling and all that stuff.
So answers a lot of my questions.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry you had a hard day and I'm really glad that you, that you recognize that's
what I was just here for.
Thanks so much for hopping on so late.
My goodness.
I'm glad to.
It's a lot later for you, for you.
What time is it?
I don't even, it's 1125 for you.
It's 1025 for me.
See the time.
It won't feel so.
Awesome.
I'll feel it tomorrow morning when Eric wakes up, I'm sure.
Well, I'm glad I got to visit with you.
Yeah, I am too.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much for hopping on even after you were on your long client call.
It means a lot.
I'm glad.
I'm so glad.
Well, I hope you sleep well and, and that the Lord just gives you lots of, lots of peace
tonight.
And that one of the things that you can do when you go to sleep, if you can ask him that
in spirit while you're sleeping, you know, to just help your soul to just let go, to
let go and to release while you're sleeping.
Your spirit, your spirit man can work on that as well.
And because he.
And and then you can just tell your soul. I know all this sounds funny or might sound funny. It sounded funny
You may laugh or sure about stuff like this, but we can tell our soul. Hey, but
You're okay
All okay. I need you while you're sleeping to give ever to the spirit. Let the spirit man come in
You're fully protected. You're fully saved. Let him come in. Let him heal you just release just let go and then work will be done
While you're sleeping
No
So anyway, we don't because again, they're awake just means that our our
Bond is there
Something
Our body is conscious. I think that our soul can be conscious. Yeah, our soul can be conscious people when our body's not
Which is why we get this dreams
so
Okay, well thanks so much for your time I really appreciate it helped tremendously
I'm glad I'm glad you thought
I'll talk to you tomorrow. I will I will see you if you're able to get on the gym. I'll see you
Yeah, I don't I don't know. Maybe by tomorrow. I'll have more questions
I don't know
Yeah, i'll hop on
Okay, I don't have anything to ask
That was good. All right. See you ashley. Bye