Hey.
You sure this works for you?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, this is great.
As long as you don't mind me not always looking at you.
No.
No, that's totally fine.
No, that's fine.
So, how's it going?
How's the new mom of two?
You look great.
Oh, thank you.
But it has been rough.
Oh, my word.
Oh.
All right.
So that was my big break.
Whatever that was for.
That was the preview.
Oh my, I just, I don't know, it kind of started like the week leading up to birth or like
pretty much right after Nick was born.
You started what?
I started feeling, I don't know, like this extreme distance from the Lord and like all
of a sudden like I had no idea what I was doing and it was just like everything was
completely new and different and difficult and there was so much unrest inside of me
and I just felt like no matter where I was or in what state of mind I was or whatever
I was, you know, going through or thinking about, it was just the same thing.
It was like I had talked to you about, I think it was last week, that I know that it's not,
I don't know how to get out of it because I know that it's not about doing more but
yet I don't know how to move forward and I don't know, I told Josh tonight, like I know,
I said I just honestly feel like I don't know what God wants out of me right now during
this time.
I was like, I know that that's not how it's supposed to be thinking but that's how I feel
and I feel like extremely vulnerable and stripped down to the bone and he just turned
up the heat and I just feel very forsaken and I just really thought that he was going
to show up postpartum and that postpartum wouldn't be easy and not as traumatic as with
Eric and it has been so hard and Nick just screams during the night and I feel like I'm
ready to lose my sanity and I just feel like, I feel like I was so sure that God was going
to show up for me.
I was so sure and I was, I mean there wasn't even a doubt in my mind that it was going
to be easy and that everything was going to be great and God and I were just going to
keep on flowing and then all of a sudden it was like, whoa, what in the world happened?
And I feel like the carpet has just been pulled out from under my feet and I have no idea
what is going on or what to believe anymore and I just feel like, I feel like the closer
I get to God, the further away he moves.
Yeah, so first of all, what's really important is remember what we always go back to and
that is that there is therefore no condemnation, that don't get onto yourself for how it is
that you're feeling as if like, well, I shouldn't be feeling this way or something like that.
So just understand that God knew you would come here, God knew that this is where you
would be and where you are is not in a condemned place as if you are in this bad place that
God is displeased with or anything like that.
That's very important because it's important in order for us to be able to move somewhere
where God wants us to, where God desires us to understand the freedom that we have, sorry,
in order to operate in the freedom that we have, we have to understand that wherever
it is that we are, we're already free and we have to choose it.
So we have to choose that we're not under, even if we feel it, I understand, I'm talking
about what the truth is and that we have to just choose it.
The fact that we're not in, we don't have an oppressive weight bearing down on us that
is legitimate and that we deserve and that we can't figure out how to get out from under
it.
It's, it doesn't actually exist.
We feel that it does, but I'm just, I'm just saying as an encouragement, it doesn't exist
in the fact that God says, no, where it is that you are, no matter where it is, no matter
how it is that you're feeling, you are free.
The only reason we don't feel like it is because we're not operating in it, but just
because we're not operating in it, doesn't change who it is that we are.
We still are the thing.
So kind of like a, like a, I don't know, a dog, I mean, if you put a dog in a car, it's
still a dog.
If you had a dog in the forest, it's still a dog.
I mean, wherever you put the dog and no matter how the dog feels, the dog could feel like
a kitty cat if it wanted to.
It doesn't change what the dog actually is, you know, how the dog feels doesn't change
how the dog is, et cetera.
So we can know that whatever it is that we're feeling isn't actually meaning like an oppression
or something like that. That there's this bearing weight that's down on us,
that's coming against us like either it's Satan or it's God or it's whatever. That that isn't
true. There is nothing that is being required of you is basically what I'm trying to say.
There's no obligation that God is holding you to. That's why, you know, there is for no shame,
no condemnation. There is therefore now no obligation, which is what I say. It's not
in scripture, but it's what I'm saying. It's what I like to say. And I mean, it is in scripture,
and I'm saying it's not phrased like that, that there is therefore now no obligation.
So the thing is that that weight, that feeling of like there's something upon me,
you don't have to bear it. You can choose to believe that it's actually not
true. You're not under any obligation to carry something that's there. Then, you know,
as far as like what it is that you need to do or anything, again, God doesn't hold you to any
obligation. There's nothing that he wants you to be doing right now. You're in the middle
of, you know, taking care of your babies. You're in the middle of trying to take care of yourself
and trying to learn how to navigate kind of a new, navigate life in any way, because you now
have this new little, you know, new person that is suddenly like taking over, kind of like,
you know, everybody else's schedule is kind of revolving around this, you know, the baby and
what the baby needs at the moment and all of that. And you're just trying to negotiate. So
don't think that God's like, okay, well, the schedule and the way that life was before is
the right way. And the way it's going now is not the right way. And Carrie, I'm holding you
responsible for getting it back to what it should be. And that's not what's going on at all.
He wants you to know that no, you're just in whatever it is that you're in,
and everything's happening the way that it's happening. And it's all okay. It's not like it
shouldn't be this way. And it should be a different way. So you just rest in your spirit,
knowing that God doesn't hold you obligated to do or be or accomplish
anything. Even in regards to him,
he just wants, remember, he doesn't want us to turn away from him and abandon him
in a struggle. He wants us to allow him to be a part of it. Even if we're struggling against him,
he just wants to keep our face turned towards him and to be there while we're struggling.
If I'm mad at you right now, God's like, no, if you're mad at me, be mad at me, not
mad, turn away from me, if that makes sense. So there's no obligation, nothing,
no, nothing that you have to try to be just, just kind of ride through what it is that you're
going through by releasing, letting all this sense of entitlement that it shouldn't be
the way that it is, whether it's spiritually, emotionally, you know, your hormones with the
baby with how Nick's responding, you know, whatever it or I don't know how hopefully
family's being very supportive and the family weren't or good friends weren't supportive that,
oh my word, well, it shouldn't be like this and it should be different because God wants there to
always be peace. Just, just let go of this requirement over yourself that it should be
different than what it is. And because God has grace for it and God wants to show you and God
can more easily move you if you're not as rigid. If you're just like, okay, you know, like I'm
relaxed now, Lord, I'm patting your hands. Now, now you're free to move with the spirit when the
spirit pushes and pulls and whatever. And then you just flow with it. You don't have to accomplish
something. So what, what are your, I've been talking for a while. What are your thoughts so
far? Is that understandable? No, it makes sense. Yeah. I just feel really cut off, like
with my spirit, like that's one thing. I just feel like I can't get to it and I feel.
I just don't.
Can you still hear me?
You're frozen.
Are you still there?
Yes.
Yeah.
You froze just a second too, but yeah, I could still hear you.
The basis of my desire is to have the peace inside of my heart no matter what I'm going
through and to know, to still be able to connect with the Lord spiritually through my spirit.
And I don't feel that at all.
I don't feel the openness or the access to my spirit whatsoever.
And that's what I can't...
That's what concerns me.
And maybe do I need to just release that too and be okay with not feeling spiritually...
I'm not saying spiritually as in my relationship with the Lord, but as far...
Well, in a sense, yes, but most of all, the spirit of who I am and even my intuition and
everything, like sensing things, it just all feels like I pushed that out right along
with the baby.
But I just feel like there's nothing there.
Can you hear me?
I can now.
Okay.
Were you able to hear what I was saying?
Okay.
I heard you...
Oh, shoot.
I'm trying to remember what part you were up to.
You said, oh, you were asking, is it okay or am I just supposed to release the fact
that I don't feel that I can feel or hear or be connected to God right now?
Is that what I need to release?
That's the last thing I heard.
Okay.
Yeah.
And I mean, in general, it's just that I feel like the spirit of who I am, like the spiritual
being in me just shriveled up and died.
Not even necessarily in specific regards to connecting with God specifically, but even
as far as sensing things about situations or being able to have a certain peace or sense
about things, even that is completely gone.
It's freezing up again.
There you go.
Okay.
I'm sorry about that.
No, that's okay.
I think I'm trying to figure out if I'm like going through now.
I mean, if we need to switch that, so you just, you just let me know, can you hear me?
I can now.
I can't see you.
Oh, but that's okay.
Okay.
Now, now I can.
Yeah.
I think, yeah, you're going in and out too.
So I think that we're, whatever it's doing on my end, it's doing on your end again, because
of the internet.
So all I was saying was that if we, if we need to, I think we're past this mountain,
so hopefully we're a little bit, but if we need to switch over to the phone, you just
let me know.
We can just not report it.
Okay.
So you were saying that, that, that the spiritual part of you, you felt like shriveled up and
died and that's the last thing.
Yeah.
So I feel like even not just necessarily as specifically in, in regards to my relationship
with the Lord, like as a being, but even as far as like my intuition or senses about things
or, you know, discerning things or like having peace about certain situations, like there's
just nothing there anymore at all.
Yeah.
So, um, and let me know if you, if you can, um, can you still hear me?
Yeah.
I can still hear you.
Okay.
All right.
Um, uh, yeah, so that, yeah, just releasing that as well.
Just releasing that and then trusting and then, and then relying on, on the Lord and
what it is that you know of him and just constantly telling the Lord, Hey Lord, this is who you
are.
I am redeclaring to you who you say that you are and, and then just, and then continue
to choose that that's true.
Even if you don't feel it in your spirit because, or, you know, you feel you're, you
don't, you're, you're struggling to feel your spirit right now.
You're in all of that.
Don't yeah.
Just release that as well, because remember that just like we can't trust our, uh, just
like we're not supposed to look at what it is that we see and feel in the physical world
in order to tell us the truth.
We also can't rely on, uh, on, uh, we, how would I put this?
We also can't.
can't base our commitment and our, what's the word that I'm looking for, that just our
continued calling on who it is that God is.
We can't base that on how it is that we even, whether or not we feel that we can feel it
in our spirit.
There are a lot of people that are not as discerning as you are in feeling their spirit,
and they still have to trust the Lord.
I've been through what you're going through many times, and it's hard, and it's scary,
and it's frustrating, and you just feel isolated from the Lord, so you have to choose that
when basically it's like flying blind in a way that you are not used to flying blind.
You're used to flying blind in other areas, and you've learned to trust the Lord in those.
Now God's like, okay, now fly blind in this area.
Now what are you going to do?
Now how are you going to interact with me?
And all you have to do is just release and know that, and I'm not saying that God is
trying to throw a mean curve ball.
I'm just saying that when these things happen, he's just like, hey, I want you to, I want
you to understand you are free to such an extent that you are not bound by how it is
that you feel and what it is that you are discerning or not discerning in the spirit.
He's saying, Carrie, I'm much more solid than that.
I'm much more stall worthy than that and anchored than that, and to just trust on him
as opposed to how it is that we feel or even our spiritual discernment.
Yes, our spiritual discernment is a tremendous gift, but we have to be more stable.
That's the word I'm looking for.
We have to be more stable than to be thwarted and kind of knocked about in the wind by how
it is, by the fact that we can't feel or discern something right now.
So we just go back to what it is that we know and what God has declared, and he'll count
it to us as righteousness, that we believe him to that extent, and even if we don't believe
it, that we're choosing him to that extent.
Sorry, let me make sure that I am still on the right.
Yeah, that's okay.
I am glad.
Yeah, I am glad that I checked because-
Oh dear.
I'm literally right now, and here I go.
That was perfect timing.
The Lord knew.
So, okay.
But there we go.
My purse kind of flew in the floorboard.
Okay.
Now, let me make sure.
Oh, no, I'm all good.
Now, where does it want me to go?
Okay, I think I'm going to have to keep this up for a bit.
So I'm not going to be able to look at you.
Can you see me?
No, that's fine.
Yeah.
I can't see you, but that's okay.
I can hear you.
So-
Okay.
All right, good.
Sorry, I'm going to have to keep this on for a second because I'm in the middle of the town,
and it's telling me it's going to make me stop at a few little lights here.
Oh, in fact, I think I'm going to have to keep it on permanently.
Yeah.
So, I know that what I'm saying isn't, you know, the answer that we'd want to hear,
but at least it, but the thing is, remember what all of this is about.
It's not about, oh, you know, strengthen your muscles and do this and do that.
And it's, God wants us to, is always moving us into greater measures of love and freedom.
That's what this is.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but the reason that it doesn't feel like it is,
that is the extent and the degree to which we are dependent on something else other than him,
and we're enslaved.
And the releasing of ourselves from slavery into freedom feels this awful.
So, you know, when the Egyptian, when the Israelites were taken out of Egypt,
all of that was very difficult, especially when they got to the Red Sea.
So, yes, they came.
It seems so easy.
Oh, my word.
All we have to do is leave because, and then they, oh, my word, they gave us all of their jewels
and all of their, you know, all their gold and their silver, and they loaded us down
and they spoiled Egypt, you know, which is what, you know, it's called, you know,
where you're like, take everything.
They spoiled Egypt.
And then, and then they went to the Red Sea.
All of a sudden, the Israelites are like,
oh my word, you've led us out to the desert to die.
And God is about to say, no, no, no, I've made a way.
I've made a way, but at the time,
it looked like it was impossible.
Because at the time, they'd never seen
a parting of the Red Sea.
They'd never heard of anything like that.
See, we are what, four or 5,000 years, 6,000 years later.
So for us, we're like, oh yeah, we've heard of,
water parting, they had never heard of it before.
And so the thought never ever crossed their minds
that that was a possibility.
So, I mean, the coming out of slavery
and walking into freedom looks, feels, feels awful,
but God was like, hey, no, no, no, you don't like,
in slavery, where Egypt would give you all of these melons
and they would give you all of this stuff
or whatever it is that the Israelites claimed
that they had in Egypt, He's like, I give you,
I give you manna that you don't have to work for.
You know, you just have to, you know,
you just operate as my people and you,
and you travel towards the promised land
with all of this hope.
And then I will bring manna in the morning.
I will bring quail in the evening
and I will bring water from a rock, et cetera.
And He's like, I will provide for you.
And I want you to know that you don't have to do
all of this hard work anymore.
You've been working for 450 years.
Like, I want you to know that I,
now you can now choose that I will be your provision.
And so, but, and it all sounds great
until we walk it all out and we realize,
oh my God, I didn't realize that the security
that I got in living life the other way
until now I've walked away from it
and now I can't live it like that anymore.
And we don't realize that we were enslaved
because it felt, you know, we're just not,
we have a very skewed understanding of freedom
until we finally get the breakthrough
acceptance of freedom.
And all of a sudden we're like, oh my word,
I didn't know life was possible feeling this free.
So I just wanted to encourage you that what's going on
isn't God and like, well, you know,
gotta teach you a lesson and gotta strengthen you
and let's see how close,
let's see how hard I can stretch you, Carrie.
And let's see how much fire you can stand
before you scream and ask me to pull you out.
That's not what's going on.
God's like, no, I want you to know
that you were, you're gaining freedom.
You already are freedom.
So I'm bringing into free.
And so I'm bringing you to the place
where to prove to you.
So it's no longer theory, but it's reality that,
oh, I really am free because I'm now in the place
that I thought would prove that I was, you know,
subject to death and God, no, see, we're here.
And I'm telling you and I'm proving to you,
I'm here and you actually are free.
No obligation, no condemnation, you know,
and then I'm here with you.
I'm providing for you.
I'm sustaining you.
There's nothing required of you.
That kind of, you're fine where you are and where you are.
So anyway, what are your thoughts so far?
Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense.
I'm talking to your concerns and fears.
Yeah, no, that made a lot of sense,
what you said about how the Lord is using this
to show me basically the areas that I'm still enslaved in
or dependent on for, basically dependent on
outside of who God is.
And to bring me into further freedom,
that makes a lot more, I mean, that makes a lot of sense,
what you were saying there about that.
Are you still there?
Yes, I am.
Oh, you are, okay.
Sorry that, yeah.
No, that's okay.
I just wanted to make sure that you're still there.
One thing that you had mentioned earlier was about how,
and this was like a week or so ago
when we were talking on Marco Polo,
was that things don't just happen to us.
Is that everything happens based on what we believe
or what we frame our beliefs around.
So when we hit places like this,
like, does that mean that I brought it upon myself
because of how I wasn't believing the right way?
Or is it a little bit of both,
like a little bit of warped belief
and God just trying to bring you into further freedom?
Well, when I was talking about the fact
that things don't happen to us,
I mean that what I meant was in the way that we refer to it,
because we always refer to things happening to us
like we're subject to them or we're a victim.
That's what I meant.
I was like, we're not.
We're not like in the victim state of life where things just kind of happen to us
and so no it it's um, it's not that we're by our our
Belief system we're causing we're always causing things to happen like say for instance that someone who is right
You know, my goodness if they're raped at three years old. Well, my goodness. Did they bring that on themselves by their belief system?
No, absolutely not. So I didn't I didn't mean it like that
I was talking about, you know, obviously in the way that we think of thing. Oh something such-and-such happens to me
And this is very strange. I hope that I am still I think that I'm still going the right way. Whoops
Sorry, I know that I made a wrong turn, but I think it put me back on the right
The right place. I think I'm good now
I'm in Missouri going through some town and
Which is which is good because during this call it means that I have good self-coverage
Okay, so talked about that that happened and then you asked for oh the belief system
Yeah
It's not that we are that we're to blame or something for our or everything that's going on on around us but
What the okay?
Things happened to Jesus too
But I know it's a really confusing phrasing is how what we just debunked the whole thing about happened to you
But you know the Jesus was in circumstances and situations
That's my point that other people are based off of other people's and decisions
He was almost almost thrown off the cliff, you know
And he I don't know people attacked him and they and then the Pharisees were constantly
Constantly probing him and trying to get him to
You know slip up and etc. Well
the the thing about the belief system is how it is that we respond in those situations and
Whether or not we allow it so to speak to overcome us or whether we choose to overcome it and
The end because that's the power of the situation
Situations do not have any
Power the only effect that they can have on us is any effect that we allow it to have
Just like God allows himself to be affected by us
We have that same power where we can allow or not allow something to affect us and
Based off of what it is that we believe about life about the situation or whatever. So
I'm trying to think of it. It just that makes sense. Okay
Example but okay. No, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
It's just because the battle is for our soul. The battle is internal
That's that that's the battle it's not the outside it's not the circumstances it's not what goes on
it's not what happens in our body and and how our you know, and this that and the other and
It's you know, it's just it's it's how we it's what we believe. Do we believe that we're threatened?
Do we doubt that we're still safe?
Do we you know?
that that's the that's the
The power that we give situations over us it's not that the situations are powerful
It's that we don't recognize our own power
And therefore we believe that we're submitted to the thing and we start acting like we're submitted to the thing
But it doesn't make us actually submitted to it and it actually doesn't give the situation power over us
It just means that we are not operating in our own power
Oh
When you were talking about
The character of the Lord and believing God
Believing God according to who he says he is and who he is
how do I
How do I know who God says he is when I when I don't even want to read the Bible
And that sounds horrible, but I literally haven't I I can't bring myself to read the Bible except for like a couple passages
And I know that you know faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God
But it's like how do I know who God is and the characters of God if I don't even want to read the Bible?
Okay
I can hear you now.
Your video is frozen, but I can hear you.
I can hear you.
Can you see me?
Hi, hi.
He's scared of the thunder.
Hello?
Oh, Eric, come, come.
OK, yeah, I can hear you, kid.
OK.
Good, because I need to make sure to get back in line.
Sorry, we're having a thunderstorm here,
and Eric just heard it and freaked out, so.
You OK?
It's OK.
You don't have to be scared.
That was thunder.
Look, it's raining outside.
Yeah, when it rains, sometimes it thunders.
Here's me cleaned out.
What?
What are you doing?
Huh?
That was Ashley.
What's up?
Yeah, Mommy's talking to Ashley.
Here's me cleaned out.
What's up?
What's what?
What's that?
Is that thunder?
Do you want to go downstairs again?
Yeah, the thunder's all gone.
Is that a thunder?
Yeah, hold on.
It's almost on my spoon.
Whoops.