WEBVTT

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Okay.

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Hey,

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This is so sad.

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This is like, oh my word watery eyes.

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Huh.

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I'm not crying, and yet my eyes are so bad I can't tell you.

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I woke up with them huge like huge golf balls. They were glued shut.

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Yeah.

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Allergies and stuff.

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Yeah. It's the same thing that I've been telling you has been going on,

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but it, my eyes are getting worse and I don't know what's going on.

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So anyway, we look the same.

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Just one of us is emotionally stable and the other is not.

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That's debatable.

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Do you want me to wear headphones?

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Like, will it echo for you?

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No, I'm fine.

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Okay.

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Usually for whatever reason,

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people say that things echo on my end and I don't know if I have my

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iPhone up higher than other people when I do my speaker.

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Or if it's that.

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Some things.

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Like I've dropped my phone many times.

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And I've dropped my phone in water many times.

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If that affects.

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What's good.

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Anyway, people.

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People tend to have an issue with them.

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I don't.

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I don't know if I have my phone up high enough.

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I don't know if it's echo.

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I don't know if it's feedback or echo.

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On my end.

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So anyway, that's why I do.

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The AirPods.

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So let me know if they're okay.

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No, I might have to view it myself every now and then to chew.

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I bought it.

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That's fine. Sorry about the short notice and all of it.

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I hope this worked out.

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Yeah.

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And I'm glad that you contacted.

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We've talked before about the fact that, you know, you always try to.

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You know,

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I think that's where we get so much value from that.

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You know,

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You know, sometimes we, we need someone to reach out to.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Today is definitely one of those days.

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Oh, my word.

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I don't know what is wrong or what is going on. I have no idea,

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but I feel like I'm.

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Like all the way back before.

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Like, I feel like I'm all the way back to ground zero.

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And I just feel like.

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I feel so alone.

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From everyone and everything.

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And I don't even,

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I feel like I backed myself into a corner and I don't know how to get

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out of it.

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I just feel like everything I'm grasping for.

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Isn't there.

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But my word.

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I mean, my kids have been sick. I hardly have any sleep.

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And I'm like, okay, we're doing this. We are going to do it.

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And I'm like,

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I'm not going to just fight all of these triggers because I'm literally

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going to lose my mind.

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Like whatever it is. I don't like.

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I mean, it's marriage and like stuff with dad and like literally

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everything all over again.

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And I'm like, what is going on?

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And then.

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I was like, oh, it's fine. You know, we're just.

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You know, we're just trying to talk ourselves off the cliff.

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You know,

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And then Josh and I decided to hang a wallpaper yesterday,

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which was like an astronomically destructive event.

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And I was like, I was the worst wife you could ever imagine. Okay.

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There was a fire.

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That started out in the woods because Josh dumped hot ash out.

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So there was a fire.

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There was the wall,

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like the paint on the wall started to bubble and peel behind the

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wallpaper. I mean, literally.

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Like the earth was attacking me.

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I mean,

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I mean,

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They have movies.

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About.

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About.

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The dangers.

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The emotional dangers.

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Of hanging wallpaper.

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The fact that you and your husband.

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Together.

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It just grounds me yet.

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This isn't good.

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I could have told you that.

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I actually thought about that.

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You know,

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when you told me that you wanted to wallpaper your bathroom.

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I like.

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That's a really healthy situation.

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Did I tell you about how that went?

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What part?

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The banging that wallpaper in that bathroom. That was the first.

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I've seen that one.

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Huh? No.

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You're talking about it that way.

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In the bathroom.

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And I had asked Josh to help me.

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And he ended up getting sick and went to bed and took a nap.

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And I didn't realize that he was sick.

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And he just went in bed and fell asleep.

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Well, then the boys were napping.

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I'm like, well, I'm just gonna do it myself then.

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Oh my word, the rage that I endured hanging that wallpaper.

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And then it wasn't lining up.

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And then like my pattern, you know,

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of course wasn't lining up.

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And then I ran out of wallpaper and then had to trim it out

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with like one inch strip on the end.

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And I'm like, yeah.

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So that was why I was like going into this wallpaper.

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I'm like, I'm not gonna do it.

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You know, unless Josh helps me.

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It was like a double-edged sword.

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Oh my word.

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And then last night we had company.

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One of my friends from church came over.

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So we're like in the middle of this heated fight.

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And then we have to open the door and we're like,

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hi, would you like to come in and be a witness

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to the verbal abuse happening in our house?

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And so then she comes in and, you know,

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we're just like trying to play it cool.

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Well, then we watched Inception.

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And then I'm like, oh my word.

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Like all those dreams that I've been having

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and like all the dreams that I've like just been thinking

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that, oh, they don't really matter or whatever.

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You know, I'm like, oh my goodness.

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Like all of a sudden now it's like coming full circle.

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And I'm like, I have way more issues than I thought.

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And then this morning I woke up and I'm like,

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I don't know what went wrong,

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how it went wrong or who it went wrong with.

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But something feels like I'm about to snap.

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But it's mostly, I mean, it's coming out the most

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with Josh and I for sure.

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And I'm like, I thought this was stuff

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that we had dealt with years ago.

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And I'm like, or else I just told Josh this afternoon,

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I was like, this is the thing that I was hoping

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I would never ever have to deal with.

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And that I was hoping that my spirit

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could just heal my soul and that would be the end of it.

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And I don't have to actually go through it.

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But nonetheless, here I am.

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I'm sorry, so you're saying that you can't think back

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to like specific types of events

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or like, is it just kind of like, I don't know,

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that this is kind of usual except that,

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I mean, usual meaning like the things

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that have been happening between like you and Josh

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or your dad or the boys or whatever,

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kind of usual, it's just kind of like a little heightened

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and it's just all at once.

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Or have there been like little things of like,

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oh no, this hasn't happened in like a year and a half.

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And then they're saying this or they're doing this

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or whatever, like are there specific events

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or what was the trigger?

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Or do you think that's it?

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I mean, I guess, I guess this week,

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I'm not really sure of the timeline.

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I know that you said that this week has been hard,

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but I wasn't sure if you thought that it had gone back

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further than this.

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I know that you said that you've been feeling,

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I don't remember the word you used,

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you didn't say unsettled,

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but like there's something in you that wants to come out

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and therefore that's just kind of,

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you didn't use the word irritating.

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But that can, you know.

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Yeah, yeah, so that, oh my word,

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I feel like it's all been leading up

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to this great astronomical thing

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that's happening right now.

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But so after I talked to you,

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after I had talked to you,

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then I had some really, really interesting dreams.

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The one dream, I say this,

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cause it'll all make sense here,

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but the one dream I had,

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there was a man after me trying to kill me.

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And he was, he, at first it was like,

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I thought I was feeling bad for him.

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So I was driving with him somewhere.

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Well, then it ended up that he started attacking me

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and wanted to rape and kill me.

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And I was like, oh my goodness,

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like this can't be the way that I die.

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And so he managed to get me,

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like drag me out of the truck

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and was starting to kill me.

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And I told the Lord, I was like, I can't die like this.

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But he had a hold of my hands and was killing me.

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I was like, I can't, like, I'm too strong.

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I can't talk or he's too strong.

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I don't know how to get free.

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And so then the Lord told me,

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he's like, just stop fighting him.

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Like you, I am stronger than he is.

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So you have to let me do this for you.

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He's like, well, if I stop fighting, he's gonna kill me.

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Like that, that's the only other option.

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And he was like, no, you have to let go.

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Even though it looks like you're gonna die,

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you have to let go and stop physically fighting him

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so that you can be free.

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And so I was like, okay,

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well, either I'm gonna die that way

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or I'm gonna die this way.

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So I let go.

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And all of a sudden,

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the guy that was on top of me attacking me looked at me

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and he was like, at first he sneered at me

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and was like, oh, you know, you're giving up

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so I can kill you now.

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And then all of a sudden he looked at my hands

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and he was like, what is wrong with my hands?

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He's like, oh my goodness, I can't move my hands

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and became completely paralyzed.

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And fell over and couldn't move.

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And then I was able to get free from him.

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And then-

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And sorry to interrupt,

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but I just wanted to point out that there's greater,

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that's why I talked about that.

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There's greater power in battling evil by not-

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battling it, but by neutralizing its power. It's the paralyzation. It's neutralizing it,

247
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right. And it's more powerful than fighting. Yeah. So anyway, but yeah, go ahead.

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And then the next dream I had, this was like, I think, I forget, was it before the weekend?

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It was like, this was all like leading up to this whole week. So last weekend

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that I had another dream, Josh and I were going somewhere. We were on a journey. It was just

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Josh and I, we were going somewhere and we stopped at this like old historic library slash small

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home. It was like a library in a home and we were walking through it. And I was sitting there like

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really nervous, you know, like picking my face and just, you know, being like fidgety, you know?

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And all of a sudden this man called me into his office, like this old, it was an older man. He

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had actually just passed away. I knew the man. He had just passed away a few weeks ago. He had

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attended Grace and Truth years ago. And he called me into his office and he looked and was like,

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why did Jesus die? I was like, well, I don't like to set me free. He's like, yeah, well then why are

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you picking your face all the time? I get so nervous. You're not free. Jesus set you free.

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You're supposed to be the whole way free. And I was like, okay. He's like, come here. I'm going

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to pray for you. And then it turned into Dr. O. And I was like, was that Dr. O? Like, I actually

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think I just saw him actually. It was the most bizarre dream. And then he was like, he's going

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to anoint me. Like he, he put on, he, he gave something to me in the dream. Like not only,

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not only like praying for me, you know, just like the cliche praying, but it was like,

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he was like, I'm, I'm anointing you for something. And then I think that was before Sunday. Well,

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then Sunday we went to church and it was like, that was where it all kind of started as far as

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like all the frustration feelings. You're good. Okay. Okay. Um, so then Sunday we went to church

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and the boys like completely, I mean, they were a complete disaster. Eric didn't do it to go to,

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to go to Sunday school or sit still like the whole service. He whined. And I mean, it was like,

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you could just tell there was something off in him and there was something off in me too. So I'm

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like, well, there's no wonder like I'm a mess. He's a mess. And so then we drove home from church

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that Sunday. And I just, I cried the whole way home. I told Josh, like, I don't know

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what is wrong with me. Well, our pastor has been preaching about, um, about, well, the last,

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okay. So before last Sunday, he had a message about that. You're not that important. Like,

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in other words, if, if you aren't willing to do something, then God's just going to find somebody

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else to do it. Like you have to get out of your own way and just, just stop taking yourself so

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seriously and realize that God's going to work for you or anyone else. Like you can't,

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you can no longer stand the way of God. I don't know. And I just, all of a sudden I felt so much

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condemnation and like, there's all these things inside of me that want to come out, but yet I'm

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the one who has to get it out of me. And if I don't get it out of me, well then it's my fault.

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And so I need to figure out how to get it out of me. But it was just so, I was so confused. I told

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Josh, like, I feel like if I can't get, if I don't do something right, then God's just going

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to move on because obviously I'm failing him. And I just feel like, I feel like I'm doing so

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many things wrong. And now like, I'm just getting so much condemnation and judgment. I feel from

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church and like, obviously if the reason things are coming out of me, it's my own fault. And I

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just need to go sign up for something, you know, sign up for nursery or something spiritual,

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you know, and I'm like, forget it. I'm not doing that. And then my week started and then the boys

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got sick and then here I am. And I have like, had maybe eight hours of sleep all week. And I'm like,

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like all this stuff, like all this stuff, like all the way back into like postpartum, you know?

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And dad's been talking a lot about like raising children and like how we can't raise our kids

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for the devil. And you know, we need to train our kids. And I'm just like, what is going on?

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But I feel like the biggest thing for, for me is like Josh and I, and how I feel like,

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I feel like I can bring in separation with my relationship with God so easily.

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And then that's how I perceive Josh. And I feel like ever since our relationship started,

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it's always like we were forced into something, you know, like we,

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Josh accidentally ended up telling me that he wanted to date me and he wasn't gonna ask me.

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He wasn't ready to ask me yet, but he, he thought that we were set up, you know? So he did.

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Well, and then his parents were like, it's too late now because he hadn't, he, he knew that

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he wanted to ask me, but he didn't feel right about it. Well, then, you know, we ended up in

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that Sunday afternoon at Sam's house because we misunderstood each other and he ended up going,

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it was like, oh, well, you know why I'm here. I'm here because obviously like you must have

301
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feelings for me too, because that's why I'm here.

302
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error. I think it was the most horrible situation you can think

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of. So then he called his mom and was like, I just screwed

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everything up. Like, I had no idea. She didn't know. And he

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knew, like, he didn't want to, he didn't want to ask me out

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yet. But all of a sudden, he did. And it was just like, it

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was over, you know. So then his parents were like, Oh, well, you

308
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know, it's fine. Like, don't panic. Just, you know, ask her

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dad, and then everything will be fine. So he ended up calling my

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dad, you know, and then I was like, well, this is the most

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confusing thing I've ever done in my whole entire life, you

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know, and then that's how we started our relationship. But I

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feel like, you know, I feel like,

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the Dean, I'm sorry, why was it so confusing to you?

315
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Because I was scared that I was all of my decisions are based on

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fear, like, I'm either going to start dating him, because I'm

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scared that if I don't, I'm doing the wrong thing. So I

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would rather go through the wrong thing. I would rather do

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the wrong thing and have someone there with me, then do the wrong

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thing and be left alone in life.

321
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Oh, okay. Got it.

322
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So I chose the less lonely wrong in my mind. It's like, if I'm

323
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wrong, well, then sue me. I'm gonna get charged. Yeah. And so

324
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at that time, before, before Josh asked me, there was another

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guy in my church that I knew was, I think, okay, I didn't

326
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know for sure that he had intentions on, you know,

327
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starting a relationship with me or that he had any, you know,

328
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intentions that he was going to express. But I had feelings for

329
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another guy in our church. And it's the same guy that I have

330
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kept having dreams about. And it's been this thing, like we

331
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have never, you know, our culture is like, you never talk

332
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about anything you never like, it's all just this vague thing

333
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in your imagination. Like you just kind of have to figure out

334
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what's going on. And no one knows. And you could be

335
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completely wrong or else you could not even be taken

336
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seriously. It's the most confusing thing. So we started

337
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our relationship will then come to find out then that Josh that

338
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this guy had actually talked to Josh about me, and told Josh

339
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that he was planning to ask me out. And that was after we

340
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started dating. And I was like, Oh, no, like, I officially have

341
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ruined my life now. And all the dreams that I have, it's when

342
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I'm in a relationship with Josh, and I'm about ready to break up

343
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with him and start dating this other guy, like it's still

344
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haunting me. And I feel like I can't receive love from Josh,

345
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because I feel so guilty about it still. And it wasn't even

346
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like, I don't even like, I haven't seen the guy for years,

347
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we were never in a relationship, we never hardly even had more

348
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than five sentences together. But like their personalities are

349
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different enough that every time that I don't know how I feel

350
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about Josh, or every time I feel lonely, or insecure or scared,

351
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like I always think of this other guy, I'm like, Oh, maybe

352
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Josh would just be more like him, you know, the stereotypical

353
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male, maybe she wouldn't game, maybe if you do this instead,

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you know, and it's like, I pin this thing onto Josh that I

355
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wanted to be, but I never even was in a relationship with him.

356
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And it's just the most twisted, confusing thing. And I feel

357
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like, I feel like how I act and then the separation I put

358
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between Josh and I hurts us enough that how could I even

359
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tell him then about all this other stuff, you know, I just

360
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feel awful.

361
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I feel so horrible.

362
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I'm sorry.

363
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I'm a couple of things that come to mind. First of all, I'm gonna

364
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go all the way back to Sunday, just so that I don't forget it.

365
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And I'll mention the stuff about Josh. You know, you were saying

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that you felt such contemnation. It's like, well, if I don't get

367
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it out of me, well, then God will use something else. But

368
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understand that what your pastor is talking about is when we say

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no. When it's a very and I felt in me those moments, because

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there's a difference between me struggling with the Lord. You

371
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know, I don't like this. And I don't want to do this. But I'm

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not telling you No, I'm just kind of like having a hissy fit.

373
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I'm being a toddler about it.

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There's a difference in that I noticed that God still doesn't

375
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let let me go of it, because I'm not really letting it go. I'm

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just I'm just wrestling with it. It's almost like kind of like

377
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Jacob with the angel is pressing against it. And yet,

378
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the same time, you're not letting it go. So that's just a

379
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struggle. That's just an aspect of the process. That's very

380
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different than just the certain thing that'll settle in your

381
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spirit, which I don't know if you've ever felt this, but I

382
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felt the difference is when I actually decide deep down within

383
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me, I'm like, No, I will not. Then I feel God leaves me. And I

384
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don't mean to ask him leave me, but I can leave that part of

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like, hey, you have an opportunity for us to do this

386
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together. In other words, Chris Blackaby talks about it when he

387
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tells you probably heard him tell the story about when he

388
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went went to the restaurant. And without any money, and he was

389
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just going to go by faith and he

390
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And so he gets to the gets to the door and he puts his hand on the door technically it was a gate, he and I went there in in April or May, and, and, and it was this gate that he had his hand on, you know, into this garden of this of this restaurant.

391
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And he thought what on earth am I doing and he said this at what he refers to as this atmosphere came over and he said he knew that as soon as he agreed with the atmosphere he'd have to leave.

392
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As soon as he agreed with this atmosphere that. Okay, this is stupid. This isn't going to work.

393
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What on earth do you think you're doing God abandoned you, you know, he doesn't believe you know he doesn't accept you or you won't protect you and provide for you.

394
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He knew that this, his soul was currently in torment and as soon as he agreed with the fact that it's an if, if he were to agree with the fact that yeah God does at the end to me, he would get immediate relief.

395
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And I know Chris talked about I felt that when I have agreed and I've actually said no.

396
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:08.000
I, you feel relief because the God removes the struggle because it's like okay it's no longer an issue.

397
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You, you aren't part of that moves on to someone else and whatever. That's very different. That's a very intentional decision that you're making other than you're just struggling like a child with the Lord and I don't mean like you're too.

398
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I mean you could be like 15 and or you can be 30 and or whatever. It's that you're, it's that you're, you're just you're trying to learn how to step into something that you don't know what you're stepping into and you don't know how.

399
00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:40.000
And God's like, I know that.

400
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So I'm helping you, I'm showing you how to do it and in the middle of you stepping into some into an unknown.

401
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You feel like you're bumbling, you feel like I don't know what's going on, you know, and you can even be struggling and kind of fighting it a bit kind of like a teenager, you know, because a teenager feels that way too and rebellion.

402
00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:07.000
So, point is, it's, they're two very very different things.

403
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I've received condemnation of, of, of like getting down on yourself and get on my word if I can't figure this out. God doesn't expect you to figure out something that you don't even know what it is, let alone how to figure it out.

404
00:22:23.000 --> 00:22:29.000
He fathers you into that and we have to just lean on him for him to show us those things.

405
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And he does give us leeway to be able to kind of like treasure hunt kind of like discover and kind of like experiment, maybe create a hypothesis and step out and try to like experiment with things.

406
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And, and that's just, that's completely different than just telling God no.

407
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Anyway, because you're. Yeah, so I just wanted to encourage you and now that you're not in a bad place because you don't understand, as if you're it's your fault for being.

408
00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:08.000
We put these words on us like for being ignorant.

409
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No, you just don't know you're born a baby, you're not born 30.

410
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And so God doesn't expect you to be anything different and he said hey, you know what I want to show you. I think this is fine. I think that the journey of discovery is fine.

411
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And whatever. So he's the one who created that that way and he didn't create it a particular way to put you on that path in order to birth you into a process that condemns you in his eyes.

412
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He actually enjoys the process of it.

413
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And so, what we so often view as condemnation of ourselves and like I'm in the middle of a struggle, God is like, Okay, we're doing it. Yay.

414
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It's what we're supposed to be doing.

415
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Relax into the struggle.

416
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Then there's an aspect in which we're agreeing with the Lord that we're going to take the light in him.

417
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And in this process.

418
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There's an aspect of that in which, like I said, we're coming into agreement with the fact that he says this is a good thing.

419
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And that's part of the whole, the whole shifting interest thing is just letting it go and just kind of like okay so it's kind of like in labor, just releasing into the pain it doesn't mean that the pain and the struggle goes away.

420
00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:45.000
But if you release yourself into it everything goes smoother, because you're letting your body do the normal process of the struggle.

421
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And so it's the same thing in the spirit. So point is, this is all very normal all very natural.

422
00:24:52.000 --> 00:25:00.000
So, yeah, God's not upset, because you can't figure it out he knows your desire is for it but you're in that he doesn't expect it.

423
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:06.720
you to know something that you haven't walked into. So anyway, very, very

424
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different than what your pastor was talking about, which is where somebody

425
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just flat out says no. And then as if we're, there's a word for it,

426
00:25:14.680 --> 00:25:19.960
as if we're holding something over, as if we're holding our cooperation

427
00:25:19.960 --> 00:25:25.120
over God's head. Like, let's see, Lord, you can't do this without me. He's like, no,

428
00:25:25.120 --> 00:25:30.600
actually he can't. He was just saying, we just can't do that with the Lord. That,

429
00:25:30.600 --> 00:25:35.360
but his phrasing, yeah, I understand why he was phrasing it the way that he is.

430
00:25:35.360 --> 00:25:39.640
But if people don't hear what he was saying, then yeah, it can absolutely come

431
00:25:39.640 --> 00:25:43.560
across as self-contempt. It's contemnation because we can attribute

432
00:25:43.560 --> 00:25:49.000
our struggle with sin. But remember that Jesus struggled in the garden of

433
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Gethsemane and he never sinned. He sweated, he struggled, there was strain.

434
00:25:54.440 --> 00:26:01.680
But he never said no. He always was pressing into and desiring the will of God.

435
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:09.280
But he even told God that his will was that he asked for something different

436
00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:14.040
than the Lord was talking to him about. And he's like, hey, if it's possible,

437
00:26:14.040 --> 00:26:19.920
can we do this? However, my will is to do what you want me to do. But even Jesus

438
00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:26.680
mentioned, hey, this would be really nice over here. So anyway, it's not a sin

439
00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:32.640
to struggle. It's what the sin is, is whatever it is we're agreeing with,

440
00:26:32.640 --> 00:26:38.880
that's not in belief with the Lord. That's just telling God, no, you're not that

441
00:26:38.880 --> 00:26:45.400
good. No, you're not protecting, you know, you actually have abandoned me.

442
00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:51.680
That's the sin. And God can even help us through that. And the fact that when we

443
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:56.040
are sinning, that's not always just this definitive no. And God's just like, okay,

444
00:26:56.040 --> 00:27:00.680
now it's cool. You know, you and I are no longer going to do this thing together

445
00:27:00.680 --> 00:27:04.080
and I'm going to get someone else to do that. He's like, okay, yeah, they're not

446
00:27:04.080 --> 00:27:09.800
believing me. So I'm going to father them into believing me. It can all still be

447
00:27:09.800 --> 00:27:14.640
part of the process. It's very different from just blatantly refusing to

448
00:27:14.640 --> 00:27:21.280
cooperate. There's a difference in refusing to cooperate as a toddler and

449
00:27:21.280 --> 00:27:28.720
refusing to cooperate as a freewill adult who has made his final decision

450
00:27:29.000 --> 00:27:36.120
that no, I will not. The cost is higher than I want to pay. So anyway, I just

451
00:27:36.120 --> 00:27:41.960
wanted to mention that. And then as far as Josh, I think that what is going on

452
00:27:41.960 --> 00:27:46.360
is it's not the guy himself, obviously, you probably already know this and kind

453
00:27:46.360 --> 00:27:50.520
of walk through it. And I'm just like reiterating, not the guy himself. It's

454
00:27:50.520 --> 00:28:03.560
some aspect that you just haven't like resolved. What would that be? It's like I

455
00:28:03.560 --> 00:28:10.800
had the I had the words. And then I just lost him. And some aspect of choosing

456
00:28:10.800 --> 00:28:17.880
Joshua or not, or not having chosen certain aspects of Josh or of your, or

457
00:28:17.880 --> 00:28:24.800
being sure of your own something in yourself. No. Anyway, sorry, I'm trying to

458
00:28:24.840 --> 00:28:30.280
try to look into it and see it. And it's like, I can only see so far. Yeah. And,

459
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:34.600
and only talking to that degree makes things sound very confusing. So I'm

460
00:28:34.600 --> 00:28:39.920
trying to get more clarity. But anyway, so it's not obviously the guy. It's just

461
00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:46.720
there's some aspect of who it is that Josh is and what it is that you've

462
00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:55.320
chosen about him to receive. And that is still maybe needing to be faced. And

463
00:28:55.320 --> 00:29:02.120
until you until you choose it, well, then you can just confuse yourself. You

464
00:29:02.120 --> 00:29:06.280
know, just be confused and thinking, you know, well, maybe I made the wrong

465
00:29:06.280 --> 00:29:10.960
choice or whatever. And I don't I think that maybe instead of it being so much

466
00:29:10.960 --> 00:29:17.160
as a question of maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe it's more of what do I

467
00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:24.840
want to choose? Do I want to choose it? Because there's just an aspect of him

468
00:29:25.280 --> 00:29:31.280
that maybe you have yet to choose to receive. It's just kind of like, oh,

469
00:29:31.280 --> 00:29:34.640
well, it is just part of the package deal. So it's like, oh, it's allowed to

470
00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:39.160
come in. But it's very different than actually intentionally choosing it. And

471
00:29:39.160 --> 00:29:44.080
then until the end, the enemy has a foothold to be able to torment you with

472
00:29:44.080 --> 00:29:50.040
it. As where you're thinking that you may be you're where you're taking it

473
00:29:50.040 --> 00:29:53.320
something somewhere where it doesn't mean and that maybe I've made the wrong

474
00:29:53.320 --> 00:29:56.760
choice. And I'm not saying that you're actually still battling that question.

475
00:29:58.600 --> 00:29:59.200
You are

476
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:15.000
There you go. So I think that it's taking something and it's and it's attributing it to and it's trying to make you think that it's your that the question is something else. It's a lot more serious, a lot more scary and a lot more confusing and I don't think that that's the question.

477
00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.000
I think the thing is, okay, you've chosen Josh.

478
00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:27.000
You know, and then, and that I, you know, obviously I don't know these things but I would just imagine.

479
00:30:27.000 --> 00:30:36.000
So this is not a best day at the Lord, I would just imagine that you've made the right choice, but you can't see it.

480
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:47.000
You can't see the truth of it until you get these other things resolved like certain aspects of Josh that you just have that you have to receive.

481
00:30:48.000 --> 00:31:14.000
Man, I just lost the word, but that you just that you can't see the truth of it until you get these other things resolved like certain aspects of Josh that you just have that you have to receive and choose intentionally I'm going to receive that aspect about him, as opposed to, well, I tolerate it.

482
00:31:14.000 --> 00:31:15.000
I give your permission.

483
00:31:15.000 --> 00:31:22.000
Oh, it's allowed to come along, because it's part of the whole package deal.

484
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:35.000
There's still elements of Josh to actually intentionally choose to receive into yourself as like a good thing, or as you know as, as whatever.

485
00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:49.000
And until then, you can just feel a lack of peace and you can feel torment, because of the confusion, the lack of clarity and here we go the lack of intentional decision.

486
00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:52.000
That gives a lack of peace.

487
00:31:52.000 --> 00:32:01.000
For instance, it's a little bit of a different situation but I'm just mentioning this just because I find it very fascinating one of my friends, one of the ladies in the rest intensive.

488
00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:04.000
She was in a later rest intensive than you.

489
00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:20.000
And she said that one time she was really struggling with making a decision about, about whether or not she should go somewhere. She and her and her family, she and her husband or children should go somewhere during the whole COVID thing.

490
00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:35.000
And her husband was like, you know what, I think it's going to be good. I think it's going to be fine I think we should do it and she's like, I just don't have peace about it I just don't have peace I just like this and, you know, but would that make us good parents and design, and would that be exposing our children to that.

491
00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:59.000
And she's just, she said actually I just thought that my husband had one instruction from the Lord, and I had another, because I had just this lack of peace and she said finally and bringing things continually before the Lord, I realized that my lack of peace was from the fact that I was not submitting myself to the leadership of my husband in faith.

492
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:10.000
That choosing that he would provide for and you know protect me and that and and basically submitting myself to allow myself to be protected and loved.

493
00:33:10.000 --> 00:33:17.000
And she said that is she said as soon as I told him, okay, if that's what you believe that we should do for our family.

494
00:33:17.000 --> 00:33:21.000
I am with you on that I will stand in solidarity with you on that.

495
00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:27.000
And anyway, and and we'll do that and as soon as she did she got peace.

496
00:33:27.000 --> 00:33:42.000
So, so she said it was fascinating that the peace wasn't a lack of the fact that God was telling her something different from her husband. It was the fact that she wasn't lining up with her husband, and she wasn't submitting to it and that resistance and that struggle

497
00:33:43.000 --> 00:33:45.000
was creating a lot.

498
00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:57.000
It was creating a torment, and she was attributing it to God's telling you something else, telling you something different than my husband that that can't be applied to every single situation but I just found that one really fascinating.

499
00:33:57.000 --> 00:34:09.000
So, it just reminds me kind of like a good situation of like sometimes we can assume that our lack of peace is due to one thing when really it's actually due to another.

500
00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:14.000
So I've been talking a lot. What are your thoughts. No, that makes a lot of sense.

501
00:34:14.000 --> 00:34:17.000
Yeah.

502
00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:24.000
There are other aspects of, you know, Josh I know that you mentioned that you mentioned the gaming thing.

503
00:34:25.000 --> 00:34:30.000
And I'm not asking like you have to tell me specifics I'm just talking, you know, general.

504
00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:47.000
Are there things that that you that I don't know that bother you or that you feel, oh I wish it was, I wish that there was a way in which was more masculine, or I wish that he would do certain things with me, or that he would, I don't know whatever.

505
00:34:47.000 --> 00:35:00.000
And, and so, seeing him in lack and not receiving what it is that he's offering, instead of receiving just who he is and what he's what he's offering.

506
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.200
offering like is, is that what's going on or is it something

507
00:35:04.200 --> 00:35:08.200
different? I don't know. I'm just trying to feel like I feel

508
00:35:08.200 --> 00:35:13.300
like it is that and then I feel like there's like a whole

509
00:35:13.300 --> 00:35:19.000
different layers to it because it always comes back to like

510
00:35:20.300 --> 00:35:23.400
that. I know that Josh is wonderful and I know that he's

511
00:35:23.400 --> 00:35:26.600
a great husband and like I know all these things but then when

512
00:35:26.600 --> 00:35:30.200
I get into this frenzy of like, I don't know what it's like.

513
00:35:30.200 --> 00:35:33.600
I want him to be someone else, but I don't even know who that

514
00:35:33.600 --> 00:35:38.000
is. You know, it's like I want you to be more like this, but

515
00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:40.200
then when he is like that, I'm like no like that's not even

516
00:35:40.200 --> 00:35:42.500
right, you know, and it's like he can't make me happy and I'm

517
00:35:42.500 --> 00:35:45.700
like I am a horrible person. It's like no matter what he

518
00:35:45.700 --> 00:35:49.500
does. It doesn't do to me what I want it to do.

519
00:35:49.900 --> 00:35:50.400
Mm-hmm.

520
00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:51.700
If that makes sense.

521
00:35:52.900 --> 00:35:54.900
And then and then go ahead.

522
00:35:55.100 --> 00:35:59.300
Then I went I stumbled across Chris Blackabee's that two

523
00:35:59.300 --> 00:36:02.300
minute clip about following the desires of your heart.

524
00:36:02.900 --> 00:36:04.900
Then I was a mess and I was like, oh my goodness.

525
00:36:04.900 --> 00:36:06.900
Like I don't even know if I desire to be married.

526
00:36:06.900 --> 00:36:10.100
I'm like to have children like I don't even know what I desire

527
00:36:10.100 --> 00:36:10.400
anymore.

528
00:36:10.400 --> 00:36:12.900
I'm like the desires of my heart is that I go back into my

529
00:36:12.900 --> 00:36:15.600
youth and try and figure out what in the world was wrong

530
00:36:15.600 --> 00:36:16.200
with me.

531
00:36:16.700 --> 00:36:20.000
I'm like, I don't even know what I want anymore or what my

532
00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.500
desires are, you know, and I feel like it always comes back

533
00:36:24.500 --> 00:36:28.700
to when I was when I right before I started dating like it

534
00:36:28.700 --> 00:36:32.000
always comes back to that time in my life and I just I'm so

535
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:32.700
tired of it.

536
00:36:32.700 --> 00:36:38.200
I'm so so tired of it because I don't feel like I don't feel

537
00:36:38.200 --> 00:36:41.600
like Josh and I's relationship was an expression of free will

538
00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:43.100
love and desire.

539
00:36:43.500 --> 00:36:46.800
I feel like it was borderline arranged marriage.

540
00:36:46.800 --> 00:36:51.600
I mean we wanted to break up at least for a time and Aaron

541
00:36:51.600 --> 00:36:55.500
basically put his foot down and told us that that's not really

542
00:36:55.500 --> 00:36:56.200
an option.

543
00:36:57.800 --> 00:37:02.600
My my goodness puts you into puts you into a commitment of

544
00:37:02.600 --> 00:37:05.900
marriage and no divorce after marriage before you're even

545
00:37:05.900 --> 00:37:06.600
committed.

546
00:37:06.900 --> 00:37:07.700
I'm sorry.

547
00:37:08.100 --> 00:37:11.100
We met when I was still living out there like my word.

548
00:37:11.100 --> 00:37:14.000
We went through so many things in our relationship and I

549
00:37:14.000 --> 00:37:17.400
remember going to our youth pastor Laverne, which we still

550
00:37:17.400 --> 00:37:20.800
have a really good relationship with I know I need to meet

551
00:37:20.800 --> 00:37:21.700
these people.

552
00:37:21.700 --> 00:37:24.800
I still have invited me by the way, just FYI to go with all

553
00:37:24.800 --> 00:37:26.700
of y'all in this summer.

554
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:30.500
So you do know I'm totally coming, right?

555
00:37:32.500 --> 00:37:33.300
Oh my goodness.

556
00:37:33.300 --> 00:37:35.700
That would be like that would be the greatest trip ever.

557
00:37:36.500 --> 00:37:38.500
My word would for me too.

558
00:37:38.500 --> 00:37:39.700
It's on my bucket list.

559
00:37:39.700 --> 00:37:43.000
I get to go with people who actually could show me around

560
00:37:43.000 --> 00:37:44.800
as opposed to being some tourists.

561
00:37:46.900 --> 00:37:50.400
So anyway, I remember one time it was right before we got

562
00:37:50.400 --> 00:37:51.100
engaged.

563
00:37:52.300 --> 00:37:56.800
We went up there to their house and we just told him like I'm

564
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:01.000
just not at a place right now where I feel enough peace to

565
00:38:01.000 --> 00:38:02.100
be in a relationship.

566
00:38:02.100 --> 00:38:05.900
Like I don't there was so much trauma in our marriage.

567
00:38:05.900 --> 00:38:10.400
I remember it always came back to me me talking to Josh and

568
00:38:10.400 --> 00:38:15.000
then Josh feeling like I didn't love him and then I was like,

569
00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:18.900
well, this is so not this is so not what I want our relationship

570
00:38:18.900 --> 00:38:22.700
to be and then I forget how it all came about but I ended up

571
00:38:22.700 --> 00:38:23.400
talking.

572
00:38:24.600 --> 00:38:25.300
How was it?

573
00:38:25.300 --> 00:38:27.600
Did I end up talking to his parents?

574
00:38:29.200 --> 00:38:31.600
I was talking to my parents about it because I'm like look

575
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:35.400
I I can't I can't keep doing this vicious cycle and like do

576
00:38:35.400 --> 00:38:36.500
I just break up with him?

577
00:38:36.500 --> 00:38:38.300
Like I don't know what to do anymore.

578
00:38:39.100 --> 00:38:42.400
And so then I think they encouraged me to talk to Aaron and

579
00:38:42.400 --> 00:38:44.400
Lydia about it because you know, like in our eyes they were

580
00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:49.200
like the spiritual standard, you know, so I talked to them and

581
00:38:49.200 --> 00:38:52.400
I was like, look, I I'm just really I don't know what to do

582
00:38:52.400 --> 00:38:52.900
anymore.

583
00:38:52.900 --> 00:38:55.800
Like I kind of am just ready for a break at least, you know,

584
00:38:56.400 --> 00:38:59.100
and they were like no, no, no, no, like don't do that.

585
00:38:59.100 --> 00:39:03.500
Like just just start over like let's just start over in your

586
00:39:03.500 --> 00:39:04.300
relationship, you know?

587
00:39:04.700 --> 00:39:09.200
And so you tell Josh that you tell Josh about this like you

588
00:39:09.200 --> 00:39:14.600
they've they told me I need to talk to Josh about how I feel

589
00:39:14.600 --> 00:39:19.500
like I forget what what exactly was basically that I feel like

590
00:39:19.900 --> 00:39:24.600
he's being too sensitive and that he he's being too selfish

591
00:39:24.600 --> 00:39:26.800
like he just always takes everything I say to personally

592
00:39:26.800 --> 00:39:27.500
and all that stuff.

593
00:39:27.700 --> 00:39:31.900
So I need to tell him how I feel and that we are going to start

594
00:39:31.900 --> 00:39:35.200
over and you know, take things slow and all that stuff and

595
00:39:35.200 --> 00:39:37.000
he they were like you need to tell him about it.

596
00:39:37.000 --> 00:39:39.900
Well, I was like, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

597
00:39:40.500 --> 00:39:44.200
And I was like, I was out of town that day and I didn't get

598
00:39:44.200 --> 00:39:46.400
a chance to get around to telling him about it because I

599
00:39:46.400 --> 00:39:48.200
wasn't sure if I was going to do it anyway.

600
00:39:48.500 --> 00:39:50.500
Well, in the meantime, they assumed that I did and then go

601
00:39:50.500 --> 00:39:54.200
and talk to Josh about it basically like read him out for

602
00:39:54.300 --> 00:39:57.700
the way that he's handling this relationship and all that stuff

603
00:39:57.700 --> 00:40:00.000
and they were like, well, we thought that carry already.

604
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.320
talked to you about this, you know, like, didn't she already

605
00:40:02.320 --> 00:40:05.920
tell you and then he was hurt that I was in on this all behind

606
00:40:05.920 --> 00:40:10.360
his back. So then we go to Laverne and Renee, and I'm like,

607
00:40:10.360 --> 00:40:14.280
look, this is just every single disaster you can think of is

608
00:40:14.280 --> 00:40:17.280
happening in our relationship right now. And I spent the

609
00:40:17.280 --> 00:40:20.640
majority of my adolescence wanting to marry him. And now

610
00:40:20.640 --> 00:40:26.080
all of a sudden, like, up until we went to Africa together, I

611
00:40:26.080 --> 00:40:28.320
knew like I was supposed to marry him. And then we went to

612
00:40:28.320 --> 00:40:30.560
Africa together, I was like, well, I have to get over him,

613
00:40:30.600 --> 00:40:32.440
because we're going to go live together for three weeks, you

614
00:40:32.440 --> 00:40:34.960
know, and I can't have this unhealthy emotional distraction

615
00:40:34.960 --> 00:40:38.240
between the Lord and I. So I have to just, you know, sever

616
00:40:38.240 --> 00:40:41.560
the desire, which is what I did, you know, when you're so good at

617
00:40:41.560 --> 00:40:44.640
just turning off anything that you think is a threat in your

618
00:40:44.640 --> 00:40:48.040
life. So then I was over him, like, we're gonna move on. And

619
00:40:48.040 --> 00:40:50.040
then that's when I went back. And then I started having

620
00:40:50.040 --> 00:40:52.600
feelings for this other guy, which obviously then at that

621
00:40:52.600 --> 00:40:56.280
time, he did too. But then we started dating. And we ended up

622
00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:58.920
then, back to this conversation with Laverne and Renee, we went

623
00:40:58.920 --> 00:41:01.720
to, we went to Laverne's one day, and they just encouraged

624
00:41:01.720 --> 00:41:05.720
us, like, if there's not peace there, to to not start your

625
00:41:05.720 --> 00:41:13.400
marriage on a foundation. What, Eric? Is daddy downstairs? Or is

626
00:41:13.400 --> 00:41:25.080
he up here? Huh? Hi, do you need me? Okay. Eric's trying to find

627
00:41:25.080 --> 00:41:30.240
the jelly. So then we went and they just really encouraged us

628
00:41:30.240 --> 00:41:33.720
that, you know, we marriage and dating is supposed to be dating,

629
00:41:33.720 --> 00:41:36.920
especially it's supposed to be a time of enjoyment. And you're

630
00:41:36.920 --> 00:41:40.640
supposed to be able to enjoy your dating relationship. And to

631
00:41:40.640 --> 00:41:43.560
have to actually enjoy the aspects of a relationship and

632
00:41:43.560 --> 00:41:47.760
have fun and be carefree and not, like, try to make sure that

633
00:41:47.760 --> 00:41:49.360
you're getting everything right before you get married. Like,

634
00:41:49.360 --> 00:41:52.400
that's not the point of dating. And they're like, they just

635
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:56.280
really would enjoy us. They, their desire for us as our youth

636
00:41:56.280 --> 00:42:00.640
pastors would be to see me especially be able to enjoy the

637
00:42:00.640 --> 00:42:04.280
relationship and have it be a response of love and affection,

638
00:42:04.520 --> 00:42:08.560
not of, like, oh, I need to do this to be holy, you know, as

639
00:42:08.560 --> 00:42:12.360
like this requirement from his parents. And so they had really

640
00:42:12.360 --> 00:42:16.720
encouraged us to just take a break. And then Aaron's got

641
00:42:16.720 --> 00:42:19.200
wind of this and was like, sorry, guys, like, you guys are

642
00:42:19.200 --> 00:42:24.080
fine. And Josh just needs to straighten up. And you guys

643
00:42:24.080 --> 00:42:27.400
will be great. They thought that I was they didn't want to lose

644
00:42:27.400 --> 00:42:30.000
me because they thought I was going to fix Josh and fix, you

645
00:42:30.000 --> 00:42:32.000
know, because he was always the black sheep of the family that

646
00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:36.520
bought expensive cars and games. And so he was never he never, he

647
00:42:36.520 --> 00:42:39.520
never met their, their standards, you know, and they

648
00:42:39.520 --> 00:42:42.040
thought I was just, you know, this holy pious little girl that

649
00:42:42.040 --> 00:42:43.840
was going to fix him. And so they didn't want us to break up.

650
00:42:43.840 --> 00:42:46.640
Well, then I go into marriage like that. And so now I feel

651
00:42:46.640 --> 00:42:49.760
like it's just as vicious cycle of Josh never being able to be

652
00:42:49.760 --> 00:42:53.520
good enough for anyone. And I feel like I'm just extending

653
00:42:53.520 --> 00:43:02.840
that into his marriage. Oh, I feel like a horrible life. And

654
00:43:02.840 --> 00:43:05.920
so now I'm like, well, what do I desire? I mean, I feel like I'm

655
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:09.840
ruining his life and mine. And it's just all based off of this

656
00:43:10.040 --> 00:43:16.040
subconscious delusion. And I feel like I don't even know what

657
00:43:16.040 --> 00:43:23.080
I want anymore. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like, you know, the last

658
00:43:23.120 --> 00:43:27.960
memory that I have of someone actually wanting me and having a

659
00:43:27.960 --> 00:43:31.480
desire to be with me, when I was at my worst, you know, like,

660
00:43:31.480 --> 00:43:34.120
right before we started dating, I was like, overweight and

661
00:43:34.120 --> 00:43:37.920
depressed and was like, such a social reject. I'm like, if

662
00:43:37.960 --> 00:43:41.480
anyone would have any affection for you, that's a miracle. And

663
00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:44.720
the last memory that I have of that is this other guy. It

664
00:43:44.720 --> 00:43:47.440
wasn't Josh, you know, and then Josh and I started a relation.

665
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:51.880
But like, well, that wasn't even genuine. And it's like, how I

666
00:43:51.880 --> 00:43:56.400
mean, I want, I want to want it. You know, I want my desires to

667
00:43:56.400 --> 00:44:00.600
be for the life I have now. And it's like, how do I reconcile

668
00:44:00.600 --> 00:44:06.760
everything? When it wasn't even, I mean, it was our choice to get

669
00:44:06.760 --> 00:44:10.840
married. But it was like, I had no idea the extent of my free

670
00:44:10.840 --> 00:44:15.400
will back then. I mean, there was nothing like I had no idea

671
00:44:16.320 --> 00:44:21.120
that the extent of what I could choose or wanted to choose or do

672
00:44:21.120 --> 00:44:24.320
and also before I knew it, I was 18 and married to someone I

673
00:44:24.320 --> 00:44:29.960
didn't even know. I just feel like I've ruined both of our

674
00:44:29.960 --> 00:44:30.360
lives.

675
00:44:31.560 --> 00:44:36.400
No, I don't see it that way at all. I know it feels like that.

676
00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:49.640
I'm sorry. Um, you know, that sometimes I just, it's like I

677
00:44:49.640 --> 00:44:52.520
could see something and then I start talking and I realized I

678
00:44:52.520 --> 00:44:58.120
don't have the words yet. Like, why do I do this? Why do I start

679
00:44:58.120 --> 00:44:58.680
out like this?

680
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.000
Yeah.

681
00:45:01.000 --> 00:45:05.840
When you meet Ed, you'll understand what I'm talking about, but he, he's extremely prophetic

682
00:45:05.840 --> 00:45:10.920
and he sees things and he just stops in the middle of a conversation and he'll just look

683
00:45:10.920 --> 00:45:11.920
off.

684
00:45:11.920 --> 00:45:12.920
He's always doing this.

685
00:45:12.920 --> 00:45:16.160
He's always just looking and you just, and you just sit there and you just wait because

686
00:45:16.160 --> 00:45:21.280
he's seeing something and you're trying to figure out what he's seeing and then trying

687
00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:23.800
to get the English words to be able to say it.

688
00:45:23.800 --> 00:45:27.600
So, um, so I'm kind of doing the same kind of a thing.

689
00:45:27.600 --> 00:45:33.000
He though, on the other hand, usually refers to stuff that he's seeing and like, as like,

690
00:45:33.000 --> 00:45:34.000
he sees pictures.

691
00:45:34.000 --> 00:45:38.800
He also sees like stories, he's a really good storyteller and that's how he expresses a

692
00:45:38.800 --> 00:45:40.800
lot of things in the prophetic is through stories.

693
00:45:40.800 --> 00:45:46.160
But anyway, the point is that I just remind myself of the FPM because I'm like, I'm just

694
00:45:46.160 --> 00:45:50.760
like about to start off in the distance and be silent while I try to figure out what I'm

695
00:45:50.760 --> 00:45:53.760
seeing and how to articulate it.

696
00:45:53.760 --> 00:46:02.960
But, um, but the thing is that, um, the, so much, so much I could say, so I know that,

697
00:46:02.960 --> 00:46:10.680
that you might be confused about like, yeah, but I didn't have a sense that then of being

698
00:46:10.680 --> 00:46:20.440
able and, um, and, uh, of, of being able to have a free will and to act on that free will.

699
00:46:20.440 --> 00:46:26.000
So I feel that I didn't make these decisions out of my free will.

700
00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:32.040
Um, and therefore, you know, oh my goodness, if I were to go back in time, well then I

701
00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:36.560
might make different, what, what different decisions would I make that would affect my

702
00:46:36.560 --> 00:46:38.000
life now and whatever.

703
00:46:38.000 --> 00:46:45.120
So how do, how can I live successfully now if the way that I got here was from a lack

704
00:46:45.120 --> 00:46:49.800
of free will instead of out of free will, you know?

705
00:46:50.160 --> 00:46:56.160
The thing is that God knows, God knew where it is that you were at the time and he can

706
00:46:56.160 --> 00:47:03.960
work on our behalf when we're not strong enough, again, as, as a child in him, strong enough

707
00:47:03.960 --> 00:47:12.280
to know not only what's, not only what we want, but what the heck is even going on in

708
00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:13.840
our situation.

709
00:47:13.840 --> 00:47:21.120
And so he can guide us and he can protect us and take care of us when we don't know

710
00:47:21.120 --> 00:47:23.880
yet how to.

711
00:47:23.880 --> 00:47:31.160
So I, I don't, you know, know everything about your situation, you know, between you and

712
00:47:31.160 --> 00:47:35.640
the Lord and the spirit and what was going on back then and whatever, but I would guess.

713
00:47:35.640 --> 00:47:41.120
So this, my point in saying that is this, again, it's not a best day at the Lord, but

714
00:47:41.120 --> 00:47:52.880
I have a very, very, very strong belief that just in, in myself, uh, I have a belief that,

715
00:47:52.880 --> 00:48:02.280
that all of this was how to describe when I'm with you and Josh, it feels right.

716
00:48:02.280 --> 00:48:05.400
It feels like this is the way that things should be.

717
00:48:05.400 --> 00:48:07.680
It's I wish I knew how to describe it.

718
00:48:07.680 --> 00:48:10.000
It feels wholesome.

719
00:48:10.000 --> 00:48:12.200
It feels healthy.

720
00:48:12.200 --> 00:48:18.320
And I'm talking about like in the spirit, it just feels it.

721
00:48:18.320 --> 00:48:19.320
I don't know.

722
00:48:19.320 --> 00:48:20.320
It just feels right.

723
00:48:20.320 --> 00:48:22.880
I'm with a lot of married couples that do not feel right.

724
00:48:22.880 --> 00:48:29.960
And y'all and y'all feel right to me in this spirit.

725
00:48:29.960 --> 00:48:40.040
It feels like a, like a nice, healthy co, um, not a health, uh, what, how do I phrase

726
00:48:40.040 --> 00:48:41.040
that?

727
00:48:41.040 --> 00:48:50.120
A, um, a healthy cohesive whole, um, as opposed to two separate aspects that are supposed

728
00:48:50.120 --> 00:48:51.120
to act whole.

729
00:48:51.120 --> 00:48:56.240
Now, I'm not saying that, you know, you need to take this as gospel or anything, you know,

730
00:48:56.240 --> 00:48:57.520
this is all between you and the Lord.

731
00:48:57.520 --> 00:49:03.680
I just wanted to say that as, so you get some encouragement, hopefully that someone

732
00:49:03.680 --> 00:49:10.880
on the outside is sensing that it feels, I don't know how to describe it.

733
00:49:10.880 --> 00:49:12.760
It feels like it shouldn't be any other way.

734
00:49:12.760 --> 00:49:14.760
It feels like, okay, this is perfection.

735
00:49:14.760 --> 00:49:17.960
This is just kind of like, okay, everything came together and it's just the way that it

736
00:49:17.960 --> 00:49:19.960
should be is how it feels.

737
00:49:19.960 --> 00:49:26.000
Um, so, uh, you know, for, for that, for encouragement, I'm not saying that you take that as the word

738
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:27.000
of the Lord.

739
00:49:27.480 --> 00:49:30.680
I'm saying, you know, take that as encouragement that somebody on the outside, uh, sees that

740
00:49:30.680 --> 00:49:35.240
and senses that because that's not, I don't always sense that in people.

741
00:49:35.240 --> 00:49:43.160
Um, but, uh, as I think that a lot of, again, those lack of peace and this torment isn't

742
00:49:43.160 --> 00:49:49.320
that you've made some wrong, isn't based on the fact that you've like made a wrong decision.

743
00:49:49.320 --> 00:49:54.280
It's it's based on the fact that there's aspects about yourself that just were never gotten

744
00:49:54.680 --> 00:49:57.000
or never got resolved.

745
00:49:57.560 --> 00:49:59.880
And it's almost like if you keep going back to the whole.

746
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.580
old prior to dating thing, it's like something there, um, got stunted.

747
00:50:05.940 --> 00:50:10.340
It was like, there was this growth, that potential or whatever in yourself.

748
00:50:10.380 --> 00:50:18.620
And it was stunted when maybe you thought, okay, this whole, this, uh, the, the dating

749
00:50:18.620 --> 00:50:23.700
or the marriage or whatever would fix this thing or would answer, that's my

750
00:50:23.700 --> 00:50:28.320
point, would answer specific questions that you had about yourself or you and

751
00:50:28.320 --> 00:50:32.400
the Lord or where you could get peace protection provision or whatever.

752
00:50:32.940 --> 00:50:35.100
And so it got stunted back there.

753
00:50:36.420 --> 00:50:42.080
And it feels that this is the problem when, and that maybe you made the wrong

754
00:50:42.080 --> 00:50:44.540
choice when actually it's just like, no, it's true.

755
00:50:45.080 --> 00:50:50.060
You're trying to get it to answer something that it can't answer.

756
00:50:50.640 --> 00:50:54.940
And it can, and you always internally go back to prior to this.

757
00:50:55.100 --> 00:50:56.820
It's because that's where it got stunted.

758
00:50:56.820 --> 00:50:57.700
That's where it stopped.

759
00:50:58.000 --> 00:51:03.700
So to speak, um, and that's why you can kind of feel, um, I don't know all of

760
00:51:03.700 --> 00:51:07.120
this confusion and it's like, it feels like I'm starting all over.

761
00:51:07.120 --> 00:51:10.920
It feels like I'm going all the way back to such and such a time and whatever

762
00:51:11.220 --> 00:51:16.080
is because that's where emotionally and spiritually you with the Lord in that

763
00:51:16.080 --> 00:51:21.420
particular question, whatever that question is about yourself, about you

764
00:51:21.420 --> 00:51:27.600
and the Lord, about whatever, where it's stopped and it's not a bad thing.

765
00:51:27.760 --> 00:51:32.160
I'm just saying that's probably an explanation as to why it's, you're

766
00:51:32.160 --> 00:51:34.980
always going back to that because that's where it stopped.

767
00:51:35.700 --> 00:51:36.820
Um, and I don't.

768
00:51:37.420 --> 00:51:39.200
And by, by me, stop it again.

769
00:51:39.200 --> 00:51:42.540
I'm not trying to say anything that you would ever receive a

770
00:51:42.540 --> 00:51:43.380
condemnation.

771
00:51:43.620 --> 00:51:44.900
We all have those things.

772
00:51:45.300 --> 00:51:49.920
A lot of this in, in us, there are things that stopped at three years old.

773
00:51:50.520 --> 00:51:55.120
There are things in me that stopped at nine years old and I'm still dealing with

774
00:51:55.120 --> 00:51:59.260
them and now we're having an, having a discussion last night where he was, he

775
00:51:59.260 --> 00:52:03.600
was talking to me about something and I just couldn't handle it and, and I just

776
00:52:03.600 --> 00:52:07.340
got frustrated with him and I'm telling him in the middle of it and I told him

777
00:52:07.340 --> 00:52:09.180
in the middle of it, I said, I'm sorry, I'm frustrated.

778
00:52:09.220 --> 00:52:10.440
I said, I'm sorry.

779
00:52:10.780 --> 00:52:13.620
And I told him later, I said, I'm sorry that how I handled it.

780
00:52:14.500 --> 00:52:15.980
I'm sorry that I misunderstood.

781
00:52:16.240 --> 00:52:20.740
I'm sorry that I took what it is that you were saying through my own filter.

782
00:52:21.140 --> 00:52:24.660
I said that this is why, and it goes all the way back to whatever.

783
00:52:24.680 --> 00:52:27.840
So I know fully aware, I'm fully aware of what I'm doing.

784
00:52:27.840 --> 00:52:30.440
And yet at the same time, I can't see it in the other way.

785
00:52:31.620 --> 00:52:35.240
Even though I can see what I'm doing, I just like, how do I,

786
00:52:35.360 --> 00:52:36.720
how do I see it differently?

787
00:52:37.040 --> 00:52:41.140
So anyway, the thing is that we all have those places in which we, we stopped by a

788
00:52:41.140 --> 00:52:43.200
certain point and we, and we just got stunted.

789
00:52:43.200 --> 00:52:45.640
So the Lord wants us to go be aware of that.

790
00:52:45.640 --> 00:52:47.080
And then now we can grow from that.

791
00:52:47.800 --> 00:52:49.240
So it's a very usual thing.

792
00:52:49.360 --> 00:52:50.520
We all have that in certain areas.

793
00:52:50.980 --> 00:52:54.660
Um, but, uh, but yeah, so I think that this doesn't have anything whatsoever

794
00:52:54.660 --> 00:52:56.660
to do with like marriage, et cetera.

795
00:52:56.760 --> 00:53:02.540
It's that, but then as far as like all of this other stuff attributed

796
00:53:02.540 --> 00:53:06.820
specifically to him, like say, for instance, you were saying that, you

797
00:53:06.820 --> 00:53:10.180
know, Oh, well, I feel that he's never been good enough for anyone.

798
00:53:10.180 --> 00:53:12.780
And now I feel like I'm taking that even into the marriage.

799
00:53:13.340 --> 00:53:19.020
It's it's, um, so many people use people like that we, that have

800
00:53:19.020 --> 00:53:26.160
been termed black sheep as people that somehow, um, how they act.

801
00:53:27.880 --> 00:53:30.600
Expresses something about themselves.

802
00:53:31.440 --> 00:53:34.160
And so they need to fix them for them to be okay.

803
00:53:34.740 --> 00:53:38.120
And so maybe his parents or whatever, friends, them to feel like they were

804
00:53:38.120 --> 00:53:41.200
good parents or good role models or, or whatever.

805
00:53:41.600 --> 00:53:46.360
And, um, and then anyway, so that if there are certain questions about

806
00:53:47.360 --> 00:53:52.500
that marriage with him and that Josh just can't answer, then it can

807
00:53:52.500 --> 00:53:55.300
feel like he's not up to par.

808
00:53:55.900 --> 00:54:01.780
And anyway, so I think that that might be an explanation.

809
00:54:01.780 --> 00:54:07.420
And as far as you, uh, the thing of you talking about the, um, uh, I really

810
00:54:07.420 --> 00:54:14.380
do think that there's something to the not receiving certain aspects of

811
00:54:14.400 --> 00:54:18.880
them because you were talking about, uh, again, it's a very normal, it's

812
00:54:18.880 --> 00:54:23.720
very normal doing relationships period, let alone romantic ones, um, that.

813
00:54:24.220 --> 00:54:27.940
Um, uh, okay.

814
00:54:29.760 --> 00:54:37.040
When someone wants to be feel protected, that kind of like my, my friend

815
00:54:37.160 --> 00:54:41.400
talking about the whole piece thing when, and, and she and her husband's

816
00:54:41.420 --> 00:54:42.660
like, Hey, I think we can do this.

817
00:54:42.700 --> 00:54:46.140
No, I desire protection for my family and we're all going to be healthy.

818
00:54:46.140 --> 00:54:47.380
I think it's from the Lord.

819
00:54:47.380 --> 00:54:48.420
I'm feeling peace on it.

820
00:54:48.420 --> 00:54:48.960
We should go.

821
00:54:49.380 --> 00:54:51.000
And she was like, I don't think that we should go.

822
00:54:51.000 --> 00:54:52.620
I don't think that it will be safe.

823
00:54:52.660 --> 00:54:54.460
I don't think we'll be protected and whatever.

824
00:54:54.460 --> 00:54:55.540
And she didn't feel peace about it.

825
00:54:55.940 --> 00:54:59.980
Well, when we, uh, so this.

826
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.800
same thing kind of, you know, with you and Josh is Josh is trying to give you things.

827
00:55:06.800 --> 00:55:16.420
And what we can do is we can attribute our sense of protection to know, if you do this,

828
00:55:16.420 --> 00:55:17.920
then I'll be protected.

829
00:55:17.920 --> 00:55:20.920
It's this action that will protect me.

830
00:55:20.920 --> 00:55:26.040
So you need to do this, or you need to say this in order for me to feel loved.

831
00:55:26.040 --> 00:55:27.440
So I want to feel loved right now.

832
00:55:27.440 --> 00:55:32.000
And I need you to do this or say this, and then I'll feel loved, or I need you to do

833
00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:37.520
this and say this, and then I'll feel protected or provided for or whatever.

834
00:55:37.520 --> 00:55:45.320
When really what the difficult position of a of a female of a, of the feminine related

835
00:55:45.320 --> 00:55:48.280
to the masculine, and here's where submission comes in.

836
00:55:48.280 --> 00:55:53.160
The difficult aspect of submission is the is the fact that what we're submitting ourselves

837
00:55:53.160 --> 00:56:00.560
to is being protected and provided for by whatever structure that that masculine chooses

838
00:56:00.560 --> 00:56:04.480
to offer as protection and provision.

839
00:56:04.480 --> 00:56:12.660
And we have to choose to receive that as our protection and provision, as opposed to because

840
00:56:12.660 --> 00:56:18.640
it's what it is that they're offering of their spirit, not what they're doing, that's actually

841
00:56:18.640 --> 00:56:21.280
providing for and protecting.

842
00:56:21.400 --> 00:56:25.640
So when we're not receiving what they're offering, when we're not receiving, that's where their

843
00:56:25.640 --> 00:56:31.240
protection and the provision is, is what they're offering of themselves, not the thing that

844
00:56:31.240 --> 00:56:33.600
they do.

845
00:56:33.600 --> 00:56:39.320
And so for constant, and so for it, so, but women want to control, you know, same thing

846
00:56:39.320 --> 00:56:40.320
that God told Eve.

847
00:56:40.320 --> 00:56:43.640
He said, your desires can be for your husband to control your husband's like, no, no, no,

848
00:56:43.640 --> 00:56:44.640
you need to do this.

849
00:56:44.640 --> 00:56:48.720
You need to say this, whatever, as if go back to the whole tree of the knowledge of good

850
00:56:48.720 --> 00:56:50.560
and evil thing.

851
00:56:50.560 --> 00:56:52.680
It's someone's performance.

852
00:56:52.680 --> 00:56:54.200
It's the action.

853
00:56:54.200 --> 00:56:55.200
It's the word.

854
00:56:55.200 --> 00:56:59.600
It's the, whatever that has the power, it's the thing outside of them that has the power

855
00:56:59.600 --> 00:57:02.720
as opposed to them themselves.

856
00:57:02.720 --> 00:57:05.160
And so God, I was always trying to get us to understand.

857
00:57:05.160 --> 00:57:07.380
He said, no, no, no, it's not what you do.

858
00:57:07.380 --> 00:57:09.400
It's not what you say.

859
00:57:09.400 --> 00:57:10.920
That's going to protect you.

860
00:57:10.920 --> 00:57:11.920
It's me.

861
00:57:11.920 --> 00:57:12.920
That's going to protect you.

862
00:57:12.920 --> 00:57:17.600
And it's the same thing between a woman and her husband.

863
00:57:17.600 --> 00:57:23.000
It's not, it's not holding him accountable to, Hey, I need you to do this or not do that

864
00:57:23.000 --> 00:57:28.520
because that's because the power lies in your performance.

865
00:57:28.520 --> 00:57:31.440
It's not, it needs to be receiving who it is that they are.

866
00:57:31.440 --> 00:57:36.560
So if God receives us for who it is that we are, as opposed to what it is that we do.

867
00:57:36.560 --> 00:57:41.160
And if the protection and provision is in him, not in what we do, we need to do the

868
00:57:41.160 --> 00:57:45.560
same thing with the, with the masculine is to receive them.

869
00:57:45.560 --> 00:57:49.240
Not what they do, not what they say, because it's then themselves.

870
00:57:49.240 --> 00:57:53.760
That's the protection, the provision, not the thing outside of them that they use to

871
00:57:53.760 --> 00:58:01.640
allow something outside in creation, to partner with them, to provide it, to express it.

872
00:58:01.640 --> 00:58:03.160
All it is, is the expression.

873
00:58:03.160 --> 00:58:07.480
So the things that they're saying are the things that they're doing is simply an expression,

874
00:58:07.480 --> 00:58:11.360
but it's not the provision and the protection itself.

875
00:58:11.360 --> 00:58:13.840
The provision of the protection is coming from them.

876
00:58:13.840 --> 00:58:16.760
What they're saying or what they do is the aspect of creation that they're allowing to

877
00:58:16.760 --> 00:58:22.600
partner with them to express that into the air, but that's not where the power is.

878
00:58:22.600 --> 00:58:24.600
Is any of this making sense?

879
00:58:24.600 --> 00:58:25.600
Yeah.

880
00:58:25.600 --> 00:58:32.440
I guess like, yeah, a lot is resonating with me and making a lot of sense.

881
00:58:32.440 --> 00:58:33.440
Oh my word.

882
00:58:33.440 --> 00:58:38.320
I'm like, wow, that makes so much sense.

883
00:58:38.320 --> 00:58:42.880
That's why it's hard for actually getting to the root of it.

884
00:58:42.880 --> 00:58:43.880
Yeah.

885
00:58:43.880 --> 00:58:46.440
So much sense.

886
00:58:46.440 --> 00:58:47.440
Yeah.

887
00:58:47.440 --> 00:58:48.440
Yeah.

888
00:58:48.440 --> 00:58:49.440
Anyway.

889
00:58:49.440 --> 00:59:00.360
And, and so the more that a woman submits to receiving the protection and provision

890
00:59:00.360 --> 00:59:07.240
being provided for her by the masculine, the more that she actually will be protected and

891
00:59:07.240 --> 00:59:14.120
provided for like in the spirit, et cetera, the more peace that she'll receive, whatever,

892
00:59:14.120 --> 00:59:19.520
because what she's actually doing otherwise is she's rejecting her protection and provision

893
00:59:19.520 --> 00:59:25.600
because she's looking, she's choosing instead actions and words that actually don't have

894
00:59:25.600 --> 00:59:33.200
power, but they make her, they psychologically make her feel like she's getting it.

895
00:59:33.200 --> 00:59:38.520
But it's a trick that we're playing on our own minds that that's actually the thing that's

896
00:59:38.520 --> 00:59:41.360
doing it when it's actually not.

897
00:59:41.360 --> 00:59:42.360
And it's hard.

898
00:59:42.360 --> 00:59:48.960
It's really, really, really hard, especially in the, one of the risks to this is the fact

899
00:59:48.960 --> 00:59:58.000
that sometimes we don't, we really, the thing actually follows through on, like say for

900
00:59:58.000 --> 01:00:00.040
instance, your husband wants to make a particular financial.

901
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.440
the decision and you're just like, you know, I just don't think that that's

902
01:00:04.440 --> 01:00:05.120
going to be a wise idea.

903
01:00:05.120 --> 01:00:08.040
I think we're going to lose all the money and there, and the losing all

904
01:00:08.040 --> 01:00:11.440
of the money means that we're not going to be provided for, or we're

905
01:00:11.440 --> 01:00:12.160
not going to be protected.

906
01:00:13.240 --> 01:00:16.720
And there's some times and they're like, no, no, no.

907
01:00:16.720 --> 01:00:17.800
I really think we should do this.

908
01:00:17.840 --> 01:00:19.640
I felt that the Lord told us to do this.

909
01:00:20.720 --> 01:00:27.200
I'm like, okay, you know, I'm going to submit myself to being, to receiving.

910
01:00:28.200 --> 01:00:32.480
What of themselves that they're offering to protect me and to provide for me.

911
01:00:32.480 --> 01:00:37.080
I'm going to allow myself to be protected and provided for meaning that I

912
01:00:37.280 --> 01:00:42.240
relinquish control of what that looks like, but I will allow myself to be

913
01:00:42.240 --> 01:00:43.680
protected and provided for it.

914
01:00:43.680 --> 01:00:48.200
And I don't get to, by allowing myself to do that, I don't get to micromanage.

915
01:00:48.200 --> 01:00:51.960
I don't get to determine, I don't get to decide, but I allow myself to be

916
01:00:51.960 --> 01:00:56.640
that puts ourselves in a very vulnerable position for it to actually not work

917
01:00:56.880 --> 01:00:59.240
out and for us to go to consequences.

918
01:01:00.960 --> 01:01:05.320
That's why it's risky is because there's a potential that it won't work out.

919
01:01:06.040 --> 01:01:08.280
And that's the very thing we fear really will hurt us.

920
01:01:10.360 --> 01:01:12.480
But that's the aspect of being vulnerable.

921
01:01:12.480 --> 01:01:13.360
That's the risk.

922
01:01:13.760 --> 01:01:19.840
And, but we still, but there's so much long-term speed that is

923
01:01:19.840 --> 01:01:26.960
sown and having whoops is sown and having faith in someone that, um, that

924
01:01:26.960 --> 01:01:37.600
even if there is a short-term, um, what was that called a short-term, uh,

925
01:01:37.640 --> 01:01:43.600
consequence or whatever, um, you know, hurt or pain that's experienced the

926
01:01:43.600 --> 01:01:50.360
long-term effects of a seed that's sown, not just in the spirit, but also in the

927
01:01:50.360 --> 01:01:55.920
man that he was believed in and that he's continually believed in and that the

928
01:01:55.920 --> 01:01:59.880
thing, the consequence isn't being held over his head, but you're still choosing

929
01:01:59.880 --> 01:02:04.120
him instead of the results, meaning you're choosing him, even if you bear

930
01:02:04.120 --> 01:02:11.440
results, we'll speak volumes and we'll transform a human being, let alone

931
01:02:11.680 --> 01:02:12.960
all the lives moving forward.

932
01:02:13.200 --> 01:02:16.760
So it did want to mention, you know, cause all of this can sound really good,

933
01:02:17.080 --> 01:02:18.520
but what about the other side?

934
01:02:18.520 --> 01:02:19.560
What about the risk?

935
01:02:19.560 --> 01:02:20.440
You know, can it happen?

936
01:02:20.440 --> 01:02:21.320
Absolutely.

937
01:02:21.880 --> 01:02:27.440
So when it happens, there's still, there's still goodness that can come out of

938
01:02:28.040 --> 01:02:30.960
choosing to have faith in them.

939
01:02:31.440 --> 01:02:35.640
Um, even when, yeah, it really did end up the way you thought and you really did

940
01:02:35.640 --> 01:02:38.680
lose all the money or you do really did all use all the, whatever, you know,

941
01:02:38.680 --> 01:02:42.360
whatever decision was being made at that time, you know, or yeah, I really did

942
01:02:42.360 --> 01:02:46.960
get COVID and, you know, based on their decision or, or whatever, but there's

943
01:02:46.960 --> 01:02:52.040
still some long-term effects, but, um, but yeah, so as far as like what to

944
01:02:52.040 --> 01:02:59.080
actually, um, do, uh, from, from this point, I mean, yeah, there's aspects

945
01:02:59.080 --> 01:03:02.120
that I already mentioned, you know, about what I would recommend with Josh

946
01:03:02.120 --> 01:03:06.920
about just like receiving whatever it is he's trying to offer, because it's the

947
01:03:06.920 --> 01:03:10.400
way that he believes that he can best provide for and protect you whether or

948
01:03:10.440 --> 01:03:12.720
not it is that's between him and the Lord.

949
01:03:13.240 --> 01:03:13.840
Are you bleeding?

950
01:03:15.480 --> 01:03:17.120
Oh, no, that's your fingernails.

951
01:03:17.760 --> 01:03:21.240
I was seeing it on the Kleenex and I was like, oh, are you bleeding in your nose

952
01:03:21.240 --> 01:03:21.480
later?

953
01:03:21.480 --> 01:03:23.120
Like, oh, that's a lot of blood.

954
01:03:23.160 --> 01:03:29.560
That's a lot of blood, uh, it's receiving it.

955
01:03:29.560 --> 01:03:30.400
So there's that.

956
01:03:30.800 --> 01:03:34.280
Um, and it doesn't mean that you don't get to have an opinion, you know, in,

957
01:03:34.320 --> 01:03:38.160
in the discussions about things, but it's just as far as like, well, what do you

958
01:03:38.200 --> 01:03:39.760
eventually do?

959
01:03:39.760 --> 01:03:44.200
And what do you choose in your heart that you're going to do to, to, to allow

960
01:03:44.200 --> 01:03:47.880
yourself to be protected and provided for, and you submit yourself as well to the

961
01:03:47.880 --> 01:03:53.720
Lord, like, okay, Lord, I don't believe that his idea is actually a good one.

962
01:03:53.880 --> 01:03:59.440
I don't believe that it's actually going to bear good fruit, but this is what you

963
01:03:59.440 --> 01:04:00.200
tell me to do.

964
01:04:00.280 --> 01:04:03.640
And I am choosing who you created him to be.

965
01:04:04.640 --> 01:04:08.280
I'm choosing his spirit and who that person is.

966
01:04:08.280 --> 01:04:11.520
And I am submitting myself to the protection and provision that this whole

967
01:04:11.520 --> 01:04:17.400
human being, the spirit, soul, and body ends up, you know, choosing to the method

968
01:04:17.400 --> 01:04:21.400
that they choose to offer of themselves to protect and provide for me.

969
01:04:21.400 --> 01:04:25.720
I will submit myself to that, but in doing so Lord, because I'm choosing who it is

970
01:04:25.720 --> 01:04:30.080
that you made them to be, I'm submitting myself under your protection and

971
01:04:30.120 --> 01:04:31.520
provision, you know?

972
01:04:33.240 --> 01:04:37.120
And so there's that, and there's also the fact that as far as like all of this other

973
01:04:37.120 --> 01:04:42.600
struggle that you're, that, that you're dealing with, there's an aspect of, I

974
01:04:42.600 --> 01:04:51.040
would recommend that you free yourself of, of, of this, of this struggle and be okay.

975
01:04:54.120 --> 01:04:54.440
Okay.

976
01:04:54.560 --> 01:04:57.720
For instance, you know how, what I talk about with judgment since, you know, to

977
01:04:57.720 --> 01:05:00.520
not judge things and to, and to stop thinking.

978
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.020
Oh, it shouldn't be like this.

979
01:05:01.020 --> 01:05:01.980
And it should be different.

980
01:05:02.340 --> 01:05:03.620
That includes your struggle.

981
01:05:04.160 --> 01:05:05.720
I shouldn't be struggling with this.

982
01:05:05.760 --> 01:05:07.340
I shouldn't feel like this.

983
01:05:07.480 --> 01:05:09.180
I should have it figured out by now.

984
01:05:09.220 --> 01:05:13.500
I shouldn't be hurting whatever it is that it feels like it shouldn't be.

985
01:05:14.140 --> 01:05:18.640
And to stop judging that, to stop saying it shouldn't be like this

986
01:05:18.640 --> 01:05:19.680
and it should be different.

987
01:05:20.600 --> 01:05:27.000
And then, and then the, and then the struggle itself will let up the pain

988
01:05:27.000 --> 01:05:29.720
and the pressure of it will start to dissipate.

989
01:05:30.200 --> 01:05:33.800
And then when it starts to dissipate, because here's part of what happens in

990
01:05:33.800 --> 01:05:35.480
struggle, and I don't mean that.

991
01:05:36.440 --> 01:05:36.640
Yeah.

992
01:05:36.920 --> 01:05:40.120
Part of what happens in struggle is that whole aspect of death where we

993
01:05:40.120 --> 01:05:42.560
start clamping down on something we start.

994
01:05:42.920 --> 01:05:47.560
And when we start doing that, since spirit has to, since spirit is life

995
01:05:47.680 --> 01:05:49.720
and life has to always move.

996
01:05:50.240 --> 01:05:54.200
So in other words, spirit always has to move the more that we clamp down on

997
01:05:54.200 --> 01:05:58.040
something in our struggle and we start really fighting it, there's, there's

998
01:05:58.040 --> 01:06:03.280
an aspect in which we're resisting movement and we're not allowing something

999
01:06:03.280 --> 01:06:08.240
to move and therefore it's going to take longer to, to resolve and to go away.

1000
01:06:10.240 --> 01:06:14.040
So the more that you release the struggle, the more movement that you're allowing,

1001
01:06:14.520 --> 01:06:18.960
and it might get worse for a time, but understand that if it ends up getting

1002
01:06:18.960 --> 01:06:22.680
worse for a time, not saying that it will, I'm just meant, I always like to mention

1003
01:06:22.680 --> 01:06:28.280
like, um, worst case scenarios, worst case scenarios that if that does happen,

1004
01:06:28.280 --> 01:06:32.840
people understand that people aren't surprised and think, Oh, something's wrong.

1005
01:06:32.880 --> 01:06:34.240
No, I mean, that, that can happen.

1006
01:06:34.240 --> 01:06:39.680
So even if, if, if like things get worse, it'll internally, it should feel better

1007
01:06:39.680 --> 01:06:43.400
because you're releasing the PR you've released the pressure of it off of yourself.

1008
01:06:43.960 --> 01:06:47.440
You release this, you're not struggling so much internally anymore.

1009
01:06:47.440 --> 01:06:51.040
You're just kind of allowing yourself to rest in the Lord.

1010
01:06:51.040 --> 01:06:55.120
Kind of like that guy that you had a dream about is it feels like if you stop

1011
01:06:55.120 --> 01:07:00.080
struggling, that it's going to get worse and that you're actually are going to die.

1012
01:07:00.880 --> 01:07:06.000
But what ended up happening is that when you let go and you stopped struggling and

1013
01:07:06.000 --> 01:07:10.680
you stopped battling this thing, thinking that it was the godly thing to do, you

1014
01:07:10.680 --> 01:07:13.440
stopped battling it, then it allows God.

1015
01:07:13.440 --> 01:07:17.320
If you stand still and allow God to fight the battle for you, or then it can, it,

1016
01:07:17.320 --> 01:07:22.320
what it's doing is it's neutralizing it's in that neutralizing the power of the

1017
01:07:22.320 --> 01:07:22.560
thing.

1018
01:07:22.920 --> 01:07:27.680
So everything ends up going just ending quicker.

1019
01:07:29.280 --> 01:07:33.000
So like, if, if it feels like, Oh, it's getting worse and worse, you know, I've

1020
01:07:33.000 --> 01:07:36.960
let go and now it's getting the, the situations around me are getting worse

1021
01:07:37.000 --> 01:07:37.600
internally.

1022
01:07:37.600 --> 01:07:40.120
I'm feeling better because I'm not struggling so much anymore.

1023
01:07:40.520 --> 01:07:43.880
You know, I don't like all of this and I'm disappointed and I'm hurt and I feel

1024
01:07:43.880 --> 01:07:44.400
betrayed.

1025
01:07:44.400 --> 01:07:47.760
And I'm just said that, that, that, that turmoil that I was in that that's

1026
01:07:47.760 --> 01:07:48.520
dissipated.

1027
01:07:48.520 --> 01:07:51.920
So that's good, but it just feels like everything got worse.

1028
01:07:52.160 --> 01:07:57.080
Well, because there were things that have to be gone through, but instead of going

1029
01:07:57.080 --> 01:08:01.960
through them, instead of them dragging out, they're, they're now going through

1030
01:08:02.200 --> 01:08:06.360
through all of that stuff that it needed to go through in order to get up and out.

1031
01:08:06.720 --> 01:08:08.480
And they're just going through it in a shorter amount of time.

1032
01:08:08.960 --> 01:08:15.040
So anyway, but yeah.

1033
01:08:15.520 --> 01:08:15.720
Yeah.

1034
01:08:15.720 --> 01:08:18.200
That all makes a lot of sense.

1035
01:08:19.200 --> 01:08:20.800
Yeah, definitely.

1036
01:08:21.040 --> 01:08:24.279
I know what I know how to move forward.

1037
01:08:24.920 --> 01:08:34.640
One thing that I did have to think of for me, like, how do I, how can I choose

1038
01:08:35.520 --> 01:08:35.960
Josh?

1039
01:08:35.960 --> 01:08:42.560
If I'm scared that it's that I don't want him, that sounds horrible.

1040
01:08:45.880 --> 01:08:46.279
Yeah.

1041
01:08:46.960 --> 01:08:47.520
You know what I mean?

1042
01:08:47.520 --> 01:08:53.000
Like, I feel like I have so much negative emotions and not because of who Josh is,

1043
01:08:53.000 --> 01:08:57.600
but I feel like I have so many negative emotions inside of me off of our

1044
01:08:57.600 --> 01:09:00.640
relationship because of how much pain that it's caused both of us.

1045
01:09:01.279 --> 01:09:05.120
That it's like, when I think about our relationship and actually choosing more

1046
01:09:05.120 --> 01:09:09.240
of him and more of it, I'm like, do I even want that?

1047
01:09:10.880 --> 01:09:11.720
You know what I mean?

1048
01:09:12.720 --> 01:09:13.080
Yeah.

1049
01:09:13.680 --> 01:09:17.080
Oh, like, is it just simply, does it just simply come down to choosing it

1050
01:09:17.080 --> 01:09:22.080
regardless of if the desire is there or even follows?

1051
01:09:22.080 --> 01:09:23.840
I mean, I'm sure it follows.

1052
01:09:25.359 --> 01:09:26.080
You're sure what?

1053
01:09:26.720 --> 01:09:28.520
I said, I'm sure hoping that it will follow.

1054
01:09:28.640 --> 01:09:34.319
I still didn't, you're sure something will follow said, how do you, you choose,

1055
01:09:34.359 --> 01:09:35.399
how do you choose it?

1056
01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:38.560
Even do you have to choose it?

1057
01:09:38.560 --> 01:09:43.520
Even if, even if the desires afterwards do not change.

1058
01:09:44.279 --> 01:09:44.960
Oh, got it.

1059
01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:45.399
Okay.

1060
01:09:45.560 --> 01:09:45.840
Okay.

1061
01:09:45.840 --> 01:09:46.040
God.

1062
01:09:46.040 --> 01:09:49.279
And then I was saying, I sure hope that they do end up changing.

1063
01:09:49.279 --> 01:09:54.360
And it's not, I don't, it's not like I don't love my husband and that I don't

1064
01:09:54.800 --> 01:09:59.240
it's not like I don't love my husband and that I don't wish that I would have that

1065
01:09:59.240 --> 01:09:59.800
desire.

1066
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.000
Yeah.

1067
01:10:03.000 --> 01:10:04.000
Yeah.

1068
01:10:04.000 --> 01:10:09.000
Yeah, and absolutely. I'll answer that. And let me.

1069
01:10:09.000 --> 01:10:16.000
Can I put you on pause for just a second. I'm staying with some people and they need me to move their my car from the driveway to the street.

1070
01:10:16.000 --> 01:10:18.000
Just a moment.

1071
01:10:18.000 --> 01:10:19.000
Sorry.

1072
01:10:19.000 --> 01:10:21.000
You're good.

1073
01:10:48.000 --> 01:11:09.000
Okay.

1074
01:11:09.000 --> 01:11:37.000
Okay.

1075
01:11:37.000 --> 01:11:43.000
Okay.

1076
01:11:44.000 --> 01:11:52.000
Okay.

1077
01:11:52.000 --> 01:12:11.000
Okay.

1078
01:12:11.000 --> 01:12:38.000
Okay.

1079
01:12:38.000 --> 01:12:39.000
Okay.

1080
01:12:39.000 --> 01:12:48.000
Okay.

1081
01:12:48.000 --> 01:12:53.000
Okay, so it's interesting what we think about the desires of our heart.

1082
01:12:53.000 --> 01:13:01.000
We think that we think of desires as things that we can't control.

1083
01:13:01.000 --> 01:13:06.000
So it's just, you know, almost like something that worth the mercy of.

1084
01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:10.000
I don't know for sure but my opinion.

1085
01:13:10.000 --> 01:13:13.000
And Chris believes the same thing.

1086
01:13:13.000 --> 01:13:17.000
Is that what it is that we chose.

1087
01:13:17.000 --> 01:13:25.000
Well, that there's a way in which we partnered with the Lord to.

1088
01:13:25.000 --> 01:13:35.000
Before we came to earth. This is just my, his and my personal opinion and I know a lot of people that believe the same thing that we chose.

1089
01:13:36.000 --> 01:13:40.000
But the thing is, is that.

1090
01:13:40.000 --> 01:13:43.000
With together with the Lord.

1091
01:13:43.000 --> 01:13:49.000
How we were going to live.

1092
01:13:49.000 --> 01:13:54.000
Like the family that we were born into what we were going to choose to go through.

1093
01:13:54.000 --> 01:13:59.000
How we were going to choose to overcome an aspect of creation, whether or not.

1094
01:13:59.000 --> 01:14:02.000
That is true. I don't know.

1095
01:14:03.000 --> 01:14:05.000
I don't know.

1096
01:14:05.000 --> 01:14:09.000
But I do think that the desires are based. Yes.

1097
01:14:09.000 --> 01:14:14.000
Are based on who it is that we are in spirit.

1098
01:14:14.000 --> 01:14:18.000
United with the father and that there's an aspect of.

1099
01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:20.000
Co-creating.

1100
01:14:20.000 --> 01:14:24.000
Including co-creating our desires.

1101
01:14:24.000 --> 01:14:27.000
As opposed to desires were something that God.

1102
01:14:27.000 --> 01:14:30.000
Kind of.

1103
01:14:31.000 --> 01:14:34.000
That we have control over.

1104
01:14:34.000 --> 01:14:39.000
It's just something that we want or don't want or whatever.

1105
01:14:39.000 --> 01:14:42.000
But I believe that we can actually intentionally.

1106
01:14:42.000 --> 01:14:46.000
Choose our desires.

1107
01:14:46.000 --> 01:14:50.000
That we're not subject to them. Anything that we feel that.

1108
01:14:50.000 --> 01:14:55.000
Any aspect of our desire that we actually feel subject to.

1109
01:14:55.000 --> 01:14:58.000
I believe it's something where deep down we have.

1110
01:14:58.000 --> 01:15:01.000
To be able to say, okay, this is who I am.

1111
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:09.120
that I am. How do I want to express that? How do I want to express this aspect of who I am? And

1112
01:15:09.120 --> 01:15:17.680
I don't believe that you choosing your marriage partner is choosing who you are. It's rather how

1113
01:15:17.680 --> 01:15:23.760
you choose that you want to express yourself. And that's an intentional free will decision,

1114
01:15:23.760 --> 01:15:32.320
I believe. Whether it's conscious or subconscious or unconscious, I believe that it is a decision.

1115
01:15:32.960 --> 01:15:38.240
And sometimes it's that we're just not, the decision is made at such a deep level

1116
01:15:38.960 --> 01:15:45.600
that we're not conscious of it. And therefore we think that we didn't have any hand in it and in

1117
01:15:45.600 --> 01:15:50.320
desiring it or whatever. And we believe it was just kind of something that just kind of came to

1118
01:15:50.320 --> 01:15:56.640
us. Or like I said, that we're just, we're just subject to. So my point is that I believe that

1119
01:15:56.640 --> 01:16:05.760
when we, that we choose our desires together with the Lord, everything is a gift from God,

1120
01:16:05.760 --> 01:16:11.360
everything, including faith. So God tells us to have faith and yet faith is a gift.

1121
01:16:12.320 --> 01:16:26.320
Which is why Calvinists believe that they have a valid reason for believing in basically fatalism

1122
01:16:27.760 --> 01:16:32.880
and believing that we're robots. Now, do they refer to that and use that phrase? No,

1123
01:16:32.880 --> 01:16:36.720
but people on the outside who look at five point Calvinists, which I used to be,

1124
01:16:37.200 --> 01:16:45.760
believe that, they say, well, that is a robot. That's somebody without a free will.

1125
01:16:46.640 --> 01:16:55.040
There's that old joke about the Calvinist who fell down the stairs.

1126
01:16:55.840 --> 01:16:59.440
And then he said, oh, well, since it had to happen, I'm glad it's behind me.

1127
01:16:59.440 --> 01:17:08.000
It's the idea that everything's been determined and we're just having to live it out.

1128
01:17:10.800 --> 01:17:17.760
So my point is that I believe that when we make intentional free will decisions,

1129
01:17:18.720 --> 01:17:25.520
that there's an aspect in how exactly it works together. I'm not sure. It's almost like,

1130
01:17:25.520 --> 01:17:31.040
well, what comes first, the chicken or the egg that we make a choice based on our desire,

1131
01:17:31.040 --> 01:17:38.240
or our desires are a result of our choice. I don't really know. I think that they're

1132
01:17:38.240 --> 01:17:45.280
honestly interdependent. I think that there's an aspect of our desire that births our choices,

1133
01:17:46.240 --> 01:17:51.120
but there's an aspect of our, by making that choice that affirms that desire.

1134
01:17:51.840 --> 01:17:58.400
And therefore we end up desiring it more and whatever. So the thing is that I believe that

1135
01:17:59.120 --> 01:18:05.360
if when you come together with the Lord and make an intentional choice for something,

1136
01:18:05.360 --> 01:18:11.760
like say, for instance, choosing Josh, even if you're currently with this feeling of like, well,

1137
01:18:11.760 --> 01:18:18.000
yeah, but what if my desire doesn't change? I believe that the reason why you're making the

1138
01:18:18.000 --> 01:18:26.240
choice is based off of some desire, whether it's the desire that it's, how would I put that?

1139
01:18:26.240 --> 01:18:32.160
That there's some aspect in which you are desiring Josh to what degree that is. I don't know,

1140
01:18:32.160 --> 01:18:38.720
but there's some aspect in which you were desiring to make the choice for Josh and you are made,

1141
01:18:38.720 --> 01:18:43.360
but then there's also more involved in that. There's an aspect of the fact that God has you

1142
01:18:44.080 --> 01:18:50.080
as a, as a wife in this situation, there's some aspect of yours and his relationship

1143
01:18:50.080 --> 01:18:57.760
that is expressing itself in the fact that you and Josh are married and you are making an intention

1144
01:18:57.760 --> 01:19:04.320
instead of can allowing yourself to continually being carried by the marriage and what happens.

1145
01:19:04.320 --> 01:19:10.720
And okay, now I'm just responding to all of these stimuli. I'm actually making an intentional choice

1146
01:19:11.280 --> 01:19:17.360
in the decision as a freewill agent that I choose this marriage, as opposed to just as if marriage

1147
01:19:17.360 --> 01:19:22.320
was, if your marriage to Josh was just this river that you fell into, and you've just been carried

1148
01:19:22.320 --> 01:19:27.840
by this whole time, this time you're making a freewill decision and intentionally for it, which

1149
01:19:27.840 --> 01:19:32.880
by the way, will greatly empower your marriage. It'll make your marriage more powerful. It'll

1150
01:19:32.880 --> 01:19:36.800
make your interactions more powerful, and it'll make the decisions that the two of you in the

1151
01:19:36.800 --> 01:19:42.880
life that the two of you built together more powerful, because you will be operating in more

1152
01:19:42.880 --> 01:19:52.640
authority because you're making intentional choices. So the thing is that there's some aspect

1153
01:19:52.640 --> 01:19:58.000
of something that you're choosing that you would be choosing and going before the Lord and say,

1154
01:19:58.000 --> 01:19:59.920
oh, hey, God, you, you and I co-create together.

1155
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.040
whether you and I counsel together,

1156
01:20:02.040 --> 01:20:03.720
you want to know my opinion.

1157
01:20:03.720 --> 01:20:06.320
We're coming together to talk about my marriage with Josh.

1158
01:20:06.320 --> 01:20:09.040
What do I want to continue to do about this?

1159
01:20:09.040 --> 01:20:10.320
How do I move forward with this?

1160
01:20:10.320 --> 01:20:11.920
Do I choose it or not?

1161
01:20:11.920 --> 01:20:13.800
Lord, there are all of these things I'm concerned.

1162
01:20:13.800 --> 01:20:16.760
What if I, you know, what if my desires for him don't change?

1163
01:20:16.760 --> 01:20:18.960
You know, what if, whatever.

1164
01:20:18.960 --> 01:20:23.380
Lord, you know, co-counseling together,

1165
01:20:23.380 --> 01:20:27.400
I'm finally going to make a free will choice

1166
01:20:27.400 --> 01:20:30.800
and I want to hear your free will choice, Lord.

1167
01:20:30.800 --> 01:20:32.800
What are your thoughts on it?

1168
01:20:32.800 --> 01:20:34.600
And hear my thoughts on it.

1169
01:20:36.000 --> 01:20:39.000
And by the way, I don't believe that this is necessarily

1170
01:20:40.000 --> 01:20:42.760
always a one-time event that you have with the Lord

1171
01:20:42.760 --> 01:20:44.040
when you just sit there and counsel

1172
01:20:44.040 --> 01:20:46.000
and then he gives you an answer

1173
01:20:46.000 --> 01:20:49.200
and then you give an answer and then you make a decision.

1174
01:20:49.200 --> 01:20:51.120
I do believe that some of this,

1175
01:20:51.120 --> 01:20:53.080
as you continue living life

1176
01:20:53.080 --> 01:20:55.840
and as you continue meaning life the next few days

1177
01:20:55.840 --> 01:20:58.720
or whatever, or maybe the next few weeks,

1178
01:20:58.720 --> 01:21:01.520
but I would imagine that that step with you

1179
01:21:01.520 --> 01:21:05.200
tends to happen very fast with you and the Lord,

1180
01:21:05.200 --> 01:21:09.120
which is a testament not only to his gift to you,

1181
01:21:09.120 --> 01:21:14.120
but also just your submissiveness

1182
01:21:16.600 --> 01:21:18.640
and determinedness to choose him.

1183
01:21:20.680 --> 01:21:23.680
Anyway, so it allows things to happen in your life

1184
01:21:23.680 --> 01:21:25.200
very, very, very fast

1185
01:21:25.200 --> 01:21:28.000
for you to make a very quick turnaround.

1186
01:21:28.000 --> 01:21:33.000
But anyway, point is that you go counseling for,

1187
01:21:36.080 --> 01:21:41.080
you hear your feeling from him, his desires, his will,

1188
01:21:41.160 --> 01:21:43.760
his choice, and then you make yours

1189
01:21:43.760 --> 01:21:45.440
and then together you move forward.

1190
01:21:45.440 --> 01:21:48.120
And then I believe what that will do

1191
01:21:48.120 --> 01:21:53.120
is that I believe that your desires will reflect your choice

1192
01:21:54.120 --> 01:21:57.600
because I believe that in a way,

1193
01:21:57.600 --> 01:22:02.600
because it's your desire and your choice are interconnected,

1194
01:22:03.240 --> 01:22:06.280
that your desire empowers your choice

1195
01:22:06.280 --> 01:22:07.880
and strengthens your choice

1196
01:22:07.880 --> 01:22:11.840
and that your choice will strengthen your desire.

1197
01:22:11.840 --> 01:22:15.920
So I think that your desire will intensify

1198
01:22:19.400 --> 01:22:22.400
and will be empowered and will grow

1199
01:22:22.400 --> 01:22:24.040
because you chose.

1200
01:22:26.040 --> 01:22:28.360
So I don't think that it's a question

1201
01:22:28.360 --> 01:22:32.280
of you're choosing something fatalistic,

1202
01:22:32.280 --> 01:22:34.840
choosing something like choosing to submit yourself

1203
01:22:34.840 --> 01:22:36.920
to some fate that, okay, well,

1204
01:22:36.920 --> 01:22:39.280
now I'm gonna choose marriage to Josh.

1205
01:22:40.640 --> 01:22:45.640
And I may not desire him more than I do now

1206
01:22:49.320 --> 01:22:51.480
or my desires for him may not change,

1207
01:22:51.480 --> 01:22:54.240
but I'm gonna choose him anyway.

1208
01:22:54.240 --> 01:22:58.240
I don't believe that that's really what's going on

1209
01:22:58.240 --> 01:22:59.160
in our choices.

1210
01:22:59.160 --> 01:23:02.440
I believe that, and I'm saying that a lot lighter

1211
01:23:02.440 --> 01:23:03.960
than the way that I mean that.

1212
01:23:04.920 --> 01:23:08.920
I seriously, I do not believe in that.

1213
01:23:08.920 --> 01:23:12.080
I believe that it's actually that your desires

1214
01:23:12.080 --> 01:23:15.760
will intensify because you choose.

1215
01:23:16.880 --> 01:23:18.160
Because I believe that our desires

1216
01:23:18.160 --> 01:23:21.920
are so closely connected with our free will

1217
01:23:21.920 --> 01:23:24.800
that in order for us to desire more strongly,

1218
01:23:24.800 --> 01:23:28.920
we have to operate more authoritatively in our free will.

1219
01:23:28.920 --> 01:23:31.400
The more authoritatively you act in your free will,

1220
01:23:31.400 --> 01:23:33.160
the more intensely you desire.

1221
01:23:34.480 --> 01:23:36.920
I think that your desire will follow your choice.

1222
01:23:38.520 --> 01:23:43.520
So I think that you'll desire him more and whatever.

1223
01:23:44.520 --> 01:23:47.880
So, but also I believe that the reason

1224
01:23:47.880 --> 01:23:50.520
that you would choose it is because you just,

1225
01:23:50.520 --> 01:23:54.520
there's some desire you already have.

1226
01:23:54.520 --> 01:23:56.320
Yes, I'm sure it's a desire for Josh,

1227
01:23:56.320 --> 01:23:58.160
but I'm talking about even more intensely

1228
01:23:58.160 --> 01:23:59.480
because the whole point of this

1229
01:23:59.480 --> 01:24:00.840
isn't your marriage with Josh.

1230
01:24:00.840 --> 01:24:04.360
The point is you and God and what's going on.

1231
01:24:04.360 --> 01:24:07.400
And the fact that it is that aspect of you and God

1232
01:24:07.400 --> 01:24:10.280
is being expressed in a special way

1233
01:24:10.280 --> 01:24:11.960
in your marriage with Josh.

1234
01:24:11.960 --> 01:24:14.080
There's other ways in which you and your Lord

1235
01:24:14.080 --> 01:24:16.120
are expressing yourselves in business

1236
01:24:16.120 --> 01:24:17.320
or in your relationship with your dad,

1237
01:24:17.320 --> 01:24:18.760
your relationship with children.

1238
01:24:18.760 --> 01:24:21.200
But in this specific example,

1239
01:24:21.200 --> 01:24:23.960
there's some aspect of who you and the Lord are

1240
01:24:23.960 --> 01:24:26.200
that is being expressed through your marriage.

1241
01:24:26.200 --> 01:24:30.000
But the marriage in a manner of speaking is not the point.

1242
01:24:30.000 --> 01:24:34.200
The point is what it's expressing of you and the Lord.

1243
01:24:34.200 --> 01:24:36.560
And that is what you're choosing.

1244
01:24:36.560 --> 01:24:37.840
You're choosing that.

1245
01:24:37.840 --> 01:24:40.640
And then you're choosing, Lord, how do we express this?

1246
01:24:40.680 --> 01:24:41.520
But you're not.

1247
01:24:45.040 --> 01:24:45.960
Yeah.

1248
01:24:45.960 --> 01:24:48.160
And because it's coming out of the essence of who it is,

1249
01:24:48.160 --> 01:24:49.800
because you will all the way back to the root

1250
01:24:49.800 --> 01:24:51.400
and you're choosing your union with God,

1251
01:24:51.400 --> 01:24:53.400
which is that your identity,

1252
01:24:53.400 --> 01:24:55.040
because you're choosing that,

1253
01:24:55.040 --> 01:24:58.360
that because it has life and it has power,

1254
01:24:58.360 --> 01:25:00.320
that's what's gonna empower you.

1255
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:02.480
or the marriage that's going to empower your desire.

1256
01:25:02.480 --> 01:25:06.300
That's what's going to empower you and your intimacy

1257
01:25:06.300 --> 01:25:09.160
and your closeness and your union with Josh.

1258
01:25:09.160 --> 01:25:11.840
It all has to come back to your union

1259
01:25:11.840 --> 01:25:15.840
and the identity of your union with the Lord.

1260
01:25:15.840 --> 01:25:17.600
That's the whole point of all of this.

1261
01:25:17.600 --> 01:25:21.800
Anyway, everything else is comparatively like a vapor,

1262
01:25:21.800 --> 01:25:23.560
like living in a matrix.

1263
01:25:23.560 --> 01:25:25.640
It's almost like living in a virtual reality.

1264
01:25:25.640 --> 01:25:28.280
It's like, it's not the point.

1265
01:25:28.280 --> 01:25:31.680
Yes, it's very special, but it's not the point.

1266
01:25:31.680 --> 01:25:34.320
It's the residual effect of something

1267
01:25:34.320 --> 01:25:38.280
that's being determined and chosen and decided on

1268
01:25:38.280 --> 01:25:40.080
between you and the Lord in heaven.

1269
01:25:40.080 --> 01:25:41.200
Who are we?

1270
01:25:41.200 --> 01:25:43.440
Okay, now that we know who we are, so to speak,

1271
01:25:43.440 --> 01:25:44.840
I mean, you're still discovering that.

1272
01:25:44.840 --> 01:25:46.520
You may not be able to quantify it and articulate it,

1273
01:25:46.520 --> 01:25:50.200
but okay, Lord, now that you and I are this thing,

1274
01:25:50.200 --> 01:25:51.360
how do we want to express it?

1275
01:25:51.360 --> 01:25:54.200
Well, we want to express it through a marriage.

1276
01:25:54.200 --> 01:25:55.240
Okay, well, who with?

1277
01:25:55.240 --> 01:25:56.800
We want to express it in a marriage

1278
01:25:56.800 --> 01:26:00.240
with Josh and Josh is all of these things.

1279
01:26:00.240 --> 01:26:02.000
He brings this package to the marriage

1280
01:26:02.000 --> 01:26:03.480
and it affects me like this.

1281
01:26:03.480 --> 01:26:06.640
And when I'm submitting myself to him,

1282
01:26:06.640 --> 01:26:09.360
I'm to a protection and provision,

1283
01:26:09.360 --> 01:26:13.160
I'm submitting myself to his unique offering

1284
01:26:13.160 --> 01:26:15.000
of a protection and provision.

1285
01:26:15.000 --> 01:26:18.400
And that is my choice.

1286
01:26:18.400 --> 01:26:22.040
My choice is that I will express my choice

1287
01:26:22.040 --> 01:26:24.960
that was made up here in this form.

1288
01:26:26.840 --> 01:26:30.280
Yeah, so I know all of that sounds really deep.

1289
01:26:30.280 --> 01:26:32.160
You know me, I always talk really deep

1290
01:26:32.160 --> 01:26:37.160
and I'm trying to work on making it a little more

1291
01:26:38.240 --> 01:26:42.000
consumable or grabbable, but anyway,

1292
01:26:43.600 --> 01:26:47.080
part of what this can do is it can alleviate the stress

1293
01:26:47.080 --> 01:26:52.000
that this is such a, that it's all about the marriage

1294
01:26:52.000 --> 01:26:54.640
because it's not, it's up higher.

1295
01:26:54.640 --> 01:26:56.280
But part of that is scary in the fact

1296
01:26:56.760 --> 01:26:58.920
that that's something we don't want to face

1297
01:26:58.920 --> 01:27:00.720
like between us and the Lord.

1298
01:27:00.720 --> 01:27:03.960
I mean, that's why people who say that they come to close

1299
01:27:03.960 --> 01:27:06.520
and to seeing the face of God,

1300
01:27:06.520 --> 01:27:08.840
there's darkness right in front of his face.

1301
01:27:08.840 --> 01:27:11.520
So like Dr. O or Joseph Sturgeon or whatever,

1302
01:27:11.520 --> 01:27:13.720
who say that they've been to that place,

1303
01:27:13.720 --> 01:27:15.760
they say it is literally the most terrifying thing

1304
01:27:15.760 --> 01:27:16.600
they've ever been through

1305
01:27:16.600 --> 01:27:21.040
because the darkness is everything about God

1306
01:27:21.040 --> 01:27:22.840
that they haven't believed.

1307
01:27:22.840 --> 01:27:24.960
Everything about God that they haven't accepted.

1308
01:27:25.000 --> 01:27:26.960
And it's terrifying.

1309
01:27:28.320 --> 01:27:30.960
And because it's every aspect about God

1310
01:27:30.960 --> 01:27:32.440
that they haven't received.

1311
01:27:32.440 --> 01:27:34.240
Same thing that I was talking about with you and Josh,

1312
01:27:34.240 --> 01:27:35.720
an aspect that you haven't received.

1313
01:27:35.720 --> 01:27:36.920
Same thing with the Lord.

1314
01:27:36.920 --> 01:27:40.560
And every aspect that they haven't received.

1315
01:27:40.560 --> 01:27:43.800
So that in a way is harder

1316
01:27:43.800 --> 01:27:46.480
because we do all of these things down here

1317
01:27:46.480 --> 01:27:48.520
because we're trying to avoid facing

1318
01:27:48.520 --> 01:27:52.040
the root of everything, that everything's coming from.

1319
01:27:52.040 --> 01:27:55.640
So it can be harder, but in a way it can be easier.

1320
01:27:55.640 --> 01:27:58.240
And the fact that it can relieve the pressure that,

1321
01:27:58.240 --> 01:28:01.040
oh, this isn't the problem anyway.

1322
01:28:01.040 --> 01:28:04.480
It can feel like it, but it's actually not.

1323
01:28:04.480 --> 01:28:07.360
So it can relieve the pressure here.

1324
01:28:07.360 --> 01:28:09.400
We have to be brave enough to take it up here,

1325
01:28:09.400 --> 01:28:11.640
but once it's dealt with up here,

1326
01:28:11.640 --> 01:28:15.040
then we just bring it down and it fixes all of this.

1327
01:28:15.040 --> 01:28:19.200
So you're not messing up Josh's life.

1328
01:28:20.320 --> 01:28:21.880
You haven't been like, oh my word,

1329
01:28:22.720 --> 01:28:24.240
I just made a horrible decision way back when.

1330
01:28:24.240 --> 01:28:26.360
And now I'm like bearing the consequences

1331
01:28:26.360 --> 01:28:27.720
and me and everybody else around me

1332
01:28:27.720 --> 01:28:30.520
is having to bear the consequences of my decision.

1333
01:28:30.520 --> 01:28:32.520
And from this point forward,

1334
01:28:32.520 --> 01:28:35.400
I'm just going to have to live out the consequences

1335
01:28:35.400 --> 01:28:37.880
of an 18 year old having made a decision

1336
01:28:37.880 --> 01:28:39.920
that she felt that I looked back on

1337
01:28:39.920 --> 01:28:43.080
and I felt like maybe I wasn't equipped to make or whatever.

1338
01:28:43.960 --> 01:28:48.920
And I don't believe that that's what's going on.

1339
01:28:48.920 --> 01:28:51.360
That's really, it can relieve all of that pressure

1340
01:28:51.840 --> 01:28:55.320
of like, oh, the thing is like, who are God and I right now?

1341
01:28:56.400 --> 01:28:58.760
And you knew that you were going to,

1342
01:28:58.760 --> 01:29:03.040
I believe before you, and that may not be true,

1343
01:29:03.040 --> 01:29:05.120
but I believe that maybe you knew

1344
01:29:07.240 --> 01:29:09.720
before you were ever born

1345
01:29:09.720 --> 01:29:12.920
that this is generally how life was going to go

1346
01:29:12.920 --> 01:29:15.320
and that you were going to make these kinds of decisions

1347
01:29:15.320 --> 01:29:19.120
and that the Lord knew it

1348
01:29:19.120 --> 01:29:21.480
and that this isn't a surprise,

1349
01:29:21.480 --> 01:29:23.760
but it's just that you're walking through it,

1350
01:29:24.680 --> 01:29:26.600
but you chose to walk through it.

1351
01:29:26.600 --> 01:29:28.240
That's just my opinion.

1352
01:29:28.240 --> 01:29:29.920
Most people don't believe that.

1353
01:29:29.920 --> 01:29:30.760
Most people don't believe

1354
01:29:30.760 --> 01:29:34.280
that we make these decisions before we're born.

1355
01:29:34.280 --> 01:29:36.560
And I didn't use to believe it, but I do now,

1356
01:29:36.560 --> 01:29:37.560
but I hold it very loosely.

1357
01:29:37.560 --> 01:29:40.120
I'm just kind of like, well, I don't ever teach on it

1358
01:29:40.120 --> 01:29:42.000
because I'm just like, well, I just kind of believe it,

1359
01:29:42.000 --> 01:29:44.320
but I hold it loosely.

1360
01:29:44.320 --> 01:29:46.360
I can't point to a scripture verse.

1361
01:29:46.400 --> 01:29:47.720
I would love a teaching

1362
01:29:47.720 --> 01:29:49.720
on all the things you don't teach about.

1363
01:29:52.320 --> 01:29:53.560
I would too.

1364
01:29:53.560 --> 01:29:54.400
I would too.

1365
01:29:59.240 --> 01:30:00.080
But yeah.

1366
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:03.000
I just wanted you to feel more free and encouraged.

1367
01:30:03.000 --> 01:30:05.760
And it's still as hard to face the Lord and all of that,

1368
01:30:05.760 --> 01:30:09.440
but I just wanted you to have some encouragement

1369
01:30:09.440 --> 01:30:10.640
and some freedom that,

1370
01:30:11.640 --> 01:30:15.640
I don't know that life is good and things are good

1371
01:30:15.640 --> 01:30:18.300
and a walk with the Lord is good.

1372
01:30:18.300 --> 01:30:23.040
Just because we struggle doesn't mean that it's bad

1373
01:30:24.800 --> 01:30:27.360
or that things are going to hell in a handbasket

1374
01:30:27.360 --> 01:30:32.360
or because you're safe in him

1375
01:30:34.040 --> 01:30:36.600
and you can't be removed from him.

1376
01:30:36.600 --> 01:30:39.640
And that doesn't mean that, oh, you can't not go to heaven.

1377
01:30:39.640 --> 01:30:42.920
It means no, currently in everything you do,

1378
01:30:42.920 --> 01:30:45.560
no matter what you do, you can't be separated from him.

1379
01:30:45.560 --> 01:30:47.560
You can't be without relationship.

1380
01:30:48.440 --> 01:30:50.160
So it's just like, how do you and the Lord

1381
01:30:50.160 --> 01:30:53.120
want to walk that out?

1382
01:30:55.040 --> 01:30:56.600
It's already been done.

1383
01:30:56.600 --> 01:30:58.200
You're already doing it.

1384
01:30:58.200 --> 01:31:02.720
You've never done anything else in who it is that you are.

1385
01:31:02.720 --> 01:31:05.480
It's your soul and your body that are coming along with it.

1386
01:31:05.480 --> 01:31:08.560
So continually choose who it is that you are

1387
01:31:08.560 --> 01:31:12.040
as opposed to how you're acting or how you're feeling

1388
01:31:12.040 --> 01:31:14.120
or what you're saying or whatever,

1389
01:31:14.120 --> 01:31:16.600
because that's not who you are.

1390
01:31:16.600 --> 01:31:20.240
That could be completely out of alignment with who you are

1391
01:31:20.240 --> 01:31:23.080
just because you're expressing a fear.

1392
01:31:23.080 --> 01:31:26.600
And that, again, can relieve a bit of pressure

1393
01:31:26.600 --> 01:31:29.640
and us feeling like we're just a mess

1394
01:31:29.640 --> 01:31:32.880
or that we can't seem to get it together

1395
01:31:32.880 --> 01:31:37.240
and we're just struggling and God's going to give up on us.

1396
01:31:37.240 --> 01:31:39.400
I was like, no, it's already been done.

1397
01:31:39.400 --> 01:31:43.840
So, you know, so yeah.

1398
01:31:47.800 --> 01:31:48.640
Anyway.

1399
01:31:49.640 --> 01:31:51.240
Well, it makes a lot more sense.

1400
01:31:52.840 --> 01:31:57.200
Is there any aspect that you're still kind of like

1401
01:31:57.200 --> 01:32:01.480
struggling with or hurting from or kind of like a little,

1402
01:32:01.480 --> 01:32:03.800
I mean, it still may not feel good,

1403
01:32:03.800 --> 01:32:06.280
but is there any aspect in which you're just like

1404
01:32:06.280 --> 01:32:08.240
still tormented?

1405
01:32:09.280 --> 01:32:12.520
I don't know that either, that maybe I need to,

1406
01:32:12.520 --> 01:32:14.400
maybe I can ask the Lord to help me express

1407
01:32:14.400 --> 01:32:16.720
in a different way or something.

1408
01:32:16.760 --> 01:32:19.120
No, I think literally the only thing,

1409
01:32:19.120 --> 01:32:24.120
and I'm okay if this is just one of those things,

1410
01:32:24.560 --> 01:32:27.880
like I know that not everything has to be answered,

1411
01:32:27.880 --> 01:32:29.920
but the only thing is still,

1412
01:32:29.920 --> 01:32:34.920
why do I have a desire to know what life is like

1413
01:32:35.560 --> 01:32:36.680
with that other man?

1414
01:32:38.080 --> 01:32:39.920
Like that, I just don't understand

1415
01:32:39.920 --> 01:32:42.080
and I really wish it would go away

1416
01:32:42.080 --> 01:32:43.280
because I know it's like,

1417
01:32:43.320 --> 01:32:48.320
I know that I like how I viewed it as so bad

1418
01:32:48.520 --> 01:32:50.560
and I carry so much shame about it.

1419
01:32:51.520 --> 01:32:53.880
And then I'm afraid of looking it in the eyes

1420
01:32:53.880 --> 01:32:55.040
of that it's something good

1421
01:32:55.040 --> 01:32:56.760
because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my mind

1422
01:32:56.760 --> 01:32:57.920
and go be one of those wackos

1423
01:32:57.920 --> 01:33:00.080
that just goes, runs away with another man.

1424
01:33:01.240 --> 01:33:06.240
And I'm just like, how do I reconcile with that?

1425
01:33:07.960 --> 01:33:09.560
Well, it's not who that,

1426
01:33:09.560 --> 01:33:11.800
I would submit that it's not who that man is,

1427
01:33:11.800 --> 01:33:13.160
it's what he symbolizes,

1428
01:33:13.160 --> 01:33:15.080
as something that you want for yourself,

1429
01:33:15.080 --> 01:33:20.040
like some needs that you have

1430
01:33:20.040 --> 01:33:22.840
that you feel aren't being fulfilled

1431
01:33:22.840 --> 01:33:26.600
and you feel that that situation

1432
01:33:26.600 --> 01:33:29.480
that would be provided for you

1433
01:33:29.480 --> 01:33:33.840
by a man being like that would fulfill.

1434
01:33:33.840 --> 01:33:36.120
It's almost like you feel like you've got holes

1435
01:33:36.120 --> 01:33:39.320
or gaps or loose ends

1436
01:33:39.320 --> 01:33:43.280
and you'd feel contained and whole and complete

1437
01:33:43.280 --> 01:33:46.880
and all of the patches patched up,

1438
01:33:47.800 --> 01:33:51.520
all the holes patched up by that other situation.

1439
01:33:55.120 --> 01:34:00.120
But yeah, I believe that it's kind of,

1440
01:34:00.760 --> 01:34:03.880
I believe that it's what I was talking about

1441
01:34:03.880 --> 01:34:06.040
reference to the fact that we obviously know

1442
01:34:06.040 --> 01:34:07.560
that we're supposed to receive all these things

1443
01:34:07.560 --> 01:34:09.200
from the Lord, we all know that.

1444
01:34:10.160 --> 01:34:12.160
It all sounds good and we need to remember that

1445
01:34:12.160 --> 01:34:16.080
and we just release expectation

1446
01:34:16.080 --> 01:34:18.240
of receiving it elsewhere and receiving it from the Lord

1447
01:34:18.240 --> 01:34:20.720
and we ask the Lord to help us rely on it for those things.

1448
01:34:20.720 --> 01:34:22.800
So there is that aspect,

1449
01:34:22.800 --> 01:34:25.560
but there's that other aspect that I was talking about.

1450
01:34:26.440 --> 01:34:28.480
All of those things,

1451
01:34:28.480 --> 01:34:33.480
I believe that you are wanting to receive from that man.

1452
01:34:33.880 --> 01:34:38.880
If Josh is who the Lord has provided for you that,

1453
01:34:43.320 --> 01:34:45.200
and I'm not saying I'm questioning that,

1454
01:34:45.200 --> 01:34:46.520
I'm just mentioning,

1455
01:34:46.520 --> 01:34:50.240
if this is who the Lord has provided for you,

1456
01:34:50.240 --> 01:34:55.920
then if you have that desire to receive

1457
01:34:55.920 --> 01:34:57.840
from that man,

1458
01:34:57.840 --> 01:35:02.840
you actually can receive,

1459
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.920
desire for those needs to be fulfilled. You have that desire because God intends for them

1460
01:35:04.920 --> 01:35:09.640
to be fulfilled. Not kind of like, Oh yeah, well, wouldn't that be a nice thing? And that's

1461
01:35:09.640 --> 01:35:13.960
going to be a thorn in your side of like this empty need that I gave you so that you'll

1462
01:35:13.960 --> 01:35:18.600
rely on me, but it's never going to be filled, but it keeps reminding you that you need me.

1463
01:35:18.600 --> 01:35:25.880
You know, I think that it's the thing that you're actually, I don't think I know that

1464
01:35:25.880 --> 01:35:33.440
God gives us those things because he intent, because his intent was for it to be followed

1465
01:35:33.440 --> 01:35:41.040
through on his intent, not intent, like a wishlist. And he's like, no, it will be, and

1466
01:35:41.040 --> 01:35:47.800
it already is being provided for. You're just asking the Lord to show you where it's being

1467
01:35:47.800 --> 01:35:54.360
provided because you already have it. And then how is that provision that he received

1468
01:35:54.360 --> 01:36:04.440
in him, that provision of whatever that is love or security, or that you're enough acceptance,

1469
01:36:04.440 --> 01:36:10.320
whatever that's already being provided for in him. And we choose that. And then we ask

1470
01:36:10.320 --> 01:36:18.920
the Lord, Lord, would you show me how that is being expressed or manifested in my life?

1471
01:36:19.480 --> 01:36:24.760
In the situation, in the circumstances that you provided to me, such as in my husband,

1472
01:36:24.760 --> 01:36:31.320
you know, so how has, is your protection, your love, your acceptance and love and acceptance

1473
01:36:31.320 --> 01:36:40.040
that you want me to be affected by, to receive, et cetera. Where is that being, where are

1474
01:36:40.040 --> 01:36:47.680
you expressing that in my current life so that I can, I can actually choose to finally

1475
01:36:47.680 --> 01:36:54.080
receive it because he's offering it. You just have to receive it. He's given us everything.

1476
01:36:54.080 --> 01:36:58.080
We just have to receive it. So it's that kind of a thing. And I believe that again, you

1477
01:36:58.080 --> 01:37:03.120
submit yourself to whatever it is that Josh is offering, but do it in the Lord, not just

1478
01:37:03.120 --> 01:37:09.040
kind of like, okay, well, this is a human man. And so whatever he says goes, I don't

1479
01:37:09.040 --> 01:37:14.880
mean that because what you're wanting to actually submit yourself to is receiving these things

1480
01:37:14.880 --> 01:37:20.320
from the Lord, meaning that in order for Josh to give them to you from the Lord, it

1481
01:37:20.320 --> 01:37:25.280
has to come through Josh's spirit. That is what you're submitting yourself to, to receive

1482
01:37:25.280 --> 01:37:29.600
the protection, the provision, the love, the acceptance, all of these things that you think,

1483
01:37:29.600 --> 01:37:33.520
even if you don't know what the words are that you think that you'd find in this life

1484
01:37:33.520 --> 01:37:40.080
with another man, God is providing those for you through Josh, but you don't get to decide

1485
01:37:40.080 --> 01:37:45.040
what they look like. So if they're not looking like what you always thought they should look

1486
01:37:45.040 --> 01:37:55.840
like, if they were real, where does, where, you know, then Lord show me how they actually

1487
01:37:55.840 --> 01:38:04.880
are being given. So I can finally receive it like that. I wish I knew how to, how did the,

1488
01:38:04.880 --> 01:38:10.320
you know, describe that any better, but it's almost, you know, it's as if we thought something

1489
01:38:10.320 --> 01:38:14.560
was one color and we're always looking for that color. We're always looking for the color green.

1490
01:38:14.560 --> 01:38:19.760
And God says, no, no, no. That thing is in the color blue. Like, oh, really? Okay. Well, I've

1491
01:38:19.760 --> 01:38:25.360
never associated that with blue. That thing was, you know, that blue with whatever I've always

1492
01:38:25.360 --> 01:38:30.400
associated that with the opposite of what I wanted. So I was like, no, it's actually blue.

1493
01:38:30.640 --> 01:38:39.920
So to allow blue to be the green is hard because it there's everything in us has associated blue

1494
01:38:39.920 --> 01:38:46.800
with our, with our lack of safety or our lack of love or a lack of acceptance or whatever. So to

1495
01:38:46.800 --> 01:38:52.400
change the meaning and to choose that, if God says that it means what he says that it means,

1496
01:38:53.680 --> 01:38:58.720
you know, that we're going to receive it like that. So I believe that, that all of the things

1497
01:38:58.800 --> 01:39:03.600
that you think that your life would look like, if you were to have this other man can be found

1498
01:39:03.600 --> 01:39:09.840
in Josh, but it's just expressed differently and it's not a lower form. And I, okay, here's my

1499
01:39:09.840 --> 01:39:17.760
point. When you, when, when God reveals it to you, by the way, I probably won't reveal it to

1500
01:39:17.760 --> 01:39:25.520
you until you receive it. Cause that's faith. Faith without works is dead. So you choose that

1501
01:39:25.520 --> 01:39:30.720
if God says it's true, then it's true. If you choose that God is that, uh, you know, God is

1502
01:39:30.720 --> 01:39:34.720
providing for and protecting you and he's given you Josh and Josh provides for him, protects you

1503
01:39:34.720 --> 01:39:40.320
because that's his role. Then it's kind of a lot of, but he's being held accountable to God too.

1504
01:39:40.320 --> 01:39:43.840
Then you're like, okay, then I'm going to say, I don't understand that Lord. Cause this right here,

1505
01:39:43.840 --> 01:39:50.160
this does not look like protection and provision. But if you say that it is, I entrusting you,

1506
01:39:50.160 --> 01:39:55.920
this is my faith in you, not my faith in Josh, my faith in you and my faith in who it is that you

1507
01:39:55.920 --> 01:39:59.600
have in, in your.

1508
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:07.560
spirit through Josh's spirit. If that is what you say that that is that I'm going to submit

1509
01:40:07.560 --> 01:40:12.560
myself to it. I'm going to choose it and to and I will choose it to the point where I

1510
01:40:12.560 --> 01:40:21.960
act on it. So I submit myself to it where I'm very vulnerable. Bridges are burned. It's

1511
01:40:21.960 --> 01:40:28.200
not one foot in. It's all the way in where I will bear the consequences Lord if it doesn't

1512
01:40:28.200 --> 01:40:34.000
work out. If it's actually not true. If I'm actually not being loved or if I'm not being

1513
01:40:34.000 --> 01:40:38.320
loved enough or if this doesn't fill the hole or if I'm he's loving me as best he can but

1514
01:40:38.320 --> 01:40:43.880
it doesn't fill the hole or that's what I'm risking because right now we're stepping away

1515
01:40:43.880 --> 01:40:48.440
from it. I'm able to kind of at least give myself a semblance that I'm being protected.

1516
01:40:48.440 --> 01:40:54.080
I can self-protect but Laura there's I'm releasing my self-protection now and so that's faith

1517
01:40:54.080 --> 01:40:59.800
your faith and you then you receive it and then when you step out in faith and you receive

1518
01:40:59.800 --> 01:41:07.240
it then it will be revealed to you to be the thing that God said that it was but you it

1519
01:41:07.240 --> 01:41:11.520
won't prove itself first. Remember how I talk about faith. There's proof there's belief

1520
01:41:11.520 --> 01:41:16.480
and then there's choice and you have to give up the proof and you have to choose it and

1521
01:41:16.480 --> 01:41:20.800
you have to act on it and it's when you do that you will effortlessly believe and now

1522
01:41:20.800 --> 01:41:25.680
that you've acted on it and you believe you co-create the you co-create the proof and

1523
01:41:25.680 --> 01:41:30.640
it's actually proven to you that oh my word that really is love or oh my word that really

1524
01:41:30.640 --> 01:41:35.480
is protection. Oh my word. I really am being provided for and I never recognized it but

1525
01:41:35.480 --> 01:41:40.360
you had to choose it in faith before it could reveal itself because mysteries have to be

1526
01:41:40.360 --> 01:41:45.040
received and acknowledged and honored for what it is that they are which is faith in

1527
01:41:45.040 --> 01:41:49.200
God, you know, that's what faith in God is before they will reveal themselves before

1528
01:41:49.200 --> 01:41:56.640
they will entrust themselves to you to actually be seen. So it's the same thing with other

1529
01:41:56.640 --> 01:42:02.360
people, you know, so point is I believe that everything that you're wanting in this other

1530
01:42:02.360 --> 01:42:11.680
man is found in Josh but it's actually found not only already found in him and God's providing

1531
01:42:11.680 --> 01:42:16.520
for you through him but I believe that it's actually richer than what it would be provided

1532
01:42:16.520 --> 01:42:22.080
for in the other man in a manner of speaking. I wish I knew how to describe that better

1533
01:42:22.080 --> 01:42:30.520
but there's a way in which you will I believe I mean and I believe when I say that I'm trying

1534
01:42:30.520 --> 01:42:35.480
to say that firmly not kind of like I believe and I think and I'm not really sure no what

1535
01:42:35.480 --> 01:42:43.040
I personally am convicted about is that you will receive it in Josh and you will not be

1536
01:42:43.040 --> 01:42:49.560
able to see how it could be any better than you have it. It will be that beyond it will

1537
01:42:49.560 --> 01:42:56.720
be on what you hoped for beyond what you believed possible because what you're actually then

1538
01:42:56.720 --> 01:43:04.440
being able to receive is the Lord himself and the Lord always over extends our expectations

1539
01:43:04.440 --> 01:43:12.440
and that but yeah, so all of this is hard if it if it's helpful at all. I really do

1540
01:43:12.440 --> 01:43:17.120
have to walk these things out, you know, and and now for the first time I'm actually

1541
01:43:17.120 --> 01:43:21.560
walking out in a romantic relationship. I've had to walk this out in other relationships,

1542
01:43:21.560 --> 01:43:27.360
but I'm now walking it out in a romantic relationship. And anyway, so I really do have to walk these

1543
01:43:27.360 --> 01:43:34.120
things out. So I am very aware of how hard it is, but it's extremely extremely powerful

1544
01:43:34.120 --> 01:43:41.480
and but but I do want to you know, just acknowledge that. Yeah, that's really hard. It's not easy.

1545
01:43:41.480 --> 01:43:52.600
So but yeah, and and then one more thing release yourself from the guilt of feeling

1546
01:43:52.600 --> 01:44:05.040
the way that you do and and having more and in in wanting to know what life would be like

1547
01:44:05.040 --> 01:44:12.120
with that other man. Release yourself of the guilt of it and you'll neutralize its

1548
01:44:12.120 --> 01:44:20.480
power. So you'll stop thinking about it. It'll stop being important to you. I mean, maybe

1549
01:44:20.480 --> 01:44:24.520
not immediately but just you know, it'll stop being important to you. It'll stop having

1550
01:44:24.520 --> 01:44:32.160
any kind of being able to fill any kind of like idea of like security or desire or whatever

1551
01:44:32.160 --> 01:44:39.880
and then just shift shift into making Josh a choice. And when you do that don't make

1552
01:44:39.880 --> 01:44:47.400
the choice of Josh to be hard for yourself. Release yourself into it. Meaning that you're

1553
01:44:47.400 --> 01:44:53.560
not just like I'm going to choose that that's exerting all of this effort and instead just

1554
01:44:53.560 --> 01:44:59.800
kind of like, okay, release yourself into the choice as opposed to.

1555
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:11.040
I'm going to choose and that that will also make it easier to to choose because I run into that

1556
01:45:11.040 --> 01:45:15.920
very often where I'm always I'm surprised that it's met as the Lord's taught me about rest.

1557
01:45:17.520 --> 01:45:23.840
I'm always I'm surprised when I find myself telling God when I catch myself telling God,

1558
01:45:23.840 --> 01:45:29.200
God, it I'm just I know that you want me to make a choice, but Lord, I'm just tired.

1559
01:45:30.320 --> 01:45:33.360
And that would be exhausting. I'm already exhausted.

1560
01:45:35.280 --> 01:45:41.520
Then you're equating choice with work. And choice is not supposed to be a work,

1561
01:45:41.520 --> 01:45:46.720
it's supposed to be a letting go it. So you don't have to exert more efforts.

1562
01:45:47.680 --> 01:45:54.800
It's stopping all of the effort. Oh, that's right. So anyway, and that's when I realized

1563
01:45:54.800 --> 01:45:58.400
that no wonder I've been having a hard time choosing it's because I'm working at it.

1564
01:46:00.880 --> 01:46:03.280
Anyway, I feel like I've been talking a lot is all of it.

1565
01:46:04.320 --> 01:46:10.160
Yes, no, it makes so much sense. Honestly, I just feel like I don't know, I just feel like

1566
01:46:10.240 --> 01:46:16.800
you've been healing me in a way. I didn't realize. I didn't realize how horrible I felt.

1567
01:46:20.080 --> 01:46:30.720
I'm sorry. And you're welcome. And like I said, don't release yourself with the guilt,

1568
01:46:30.720 --> 01:46:38.000
allow yourself to not be okay. And I know that's a cliche. And people keep taking that as Oh,

1569
01:46:38.000 --> 01:46:43.520
then I can wallow. It's not a wallowing. When we accept it, when we allow ourselves to not be

1570
01:46:43.520 --> 01:46:49.280
okay, what we're doing is we're accepting ourself no matter how we feel. And then we'll and then

1571
01:46:49.280 --> 01:46:56.080
we'll get relief. We're giving ourselves the love we've been wanting. So give your so except if you

1572
01:46:56.080 --> 01:47:01.680
want other people to accept you, if you want the Lord to accept you, be the first one that accepts

1573
01:47:01.680 --> 01:47:06.000
yourself. I mean, God already accepts you. But my point is like, you know, if you're not feeling it,

1574
01:47:06.000 --> 01:47:13.520
be the first one to accept, you know, accept yourself to not don't require you to be different.

1575
01:47:14.320 --> 01:47:19.200
The whole not judging thing, don't require yourself to be different than what you are

1576
01:47:19.200 --> 01:47:28.000
in that moment. And, and you'll get over it faster, you won't, you'll stop feeling bad,

1577
01:47:28.000 --> 01:47:35.120
you'll stop feeling guilty, you'll stop struggling, you'll stop whatever. If your soul is allowed,

1578
01:47:35.120 --> 01:47:41.600
it's temper tantrum, hurt, you know, this is how I feel. And you just admit it to yourself.

1579
01:47:42.160 --> 01:47:47.200
I'm not saying that you have to act it out. You know, you have to act angry and you have to act

1580
01:47:47.200 --> 01:47:52.880
it all out. That's like just getting out energy. But I'm telling you what you just you just face

1581
01:47:52.880 --> 01:47:58.320
it and you face it out. You know, I'm angry, I'm whatever and you will you accept yourself like

1582
01:47:58.320 --> 01:48:03.440
that. You're not just you're not just kind of like, okay, well, allow you to stay there. And

1583
01:48:03.440 --> 01:48:08.320
I'll turn a blind eye and let me know when you're done. That's not receiving it. You have to actually

1584
01:48:08.320 --> 01:48:15.120
accept them like, okay, it's okay that I'm angry, I am going to let myself I'm going to I'm going to

1585
01:48:15.120 --> 01:48:21.280
choose that I'm okay to be angry, or I'm okay to be afraid or I'm okay to whatever. And that that's

1586
01:48:21.280 --> 01:48:25.920
what I'm talking about that neutralizes its power. If you say, Oh, that's okay, you're still okay.

1587
01:48:25.920 --> 01:48:32.000
And I accept you unconditionally being angry, just be angry. Just just be guilty. It's kind of like,

1588
01:48:32.000 --> 01:48:36.960
okay, now I'm done. It's like, it's like it had its temper tantrum. And it had its voice. And it's

1589
01:48:36.960 --> 01:48:41.840
just like, I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to somebody to know that this is not okay. Okay,

1590
01:48:41.840 --> 01:48:48.880
you are absolutely right. It's not okay. Okay, good. You know, if your your spirit, your spirit

1591
01:48:48.880 --> 01:48:54.320
needs to allow remember, the soul is kind of like a child. It's going to yap until it gets attention.

1592
01:48:55.200 --> 01:48:58.720
Give yourself attention, accept it without it having to change.

1593
01:48:59.280 --> 01:49:06.960
Don't accept your soul for its potential to be to be in line with the spirit, accept your soul

1594
01:49:07.520 --> 01:49:14.560
for what it is. If it's even if it never changes, and then it will finally feel safe enough to

1595
01:49:14.560 --> 01:49:23.760
change. But not until you accept it without ever requiring it without emotionally ever requiring

1596
01:49:24.640 --> 01:49:29.120
of it to ever change. And then it'll be and it'll let go. It's like, okay,

1597
01:49:30.240 --> 01:49:37.120
then I feel safe enough with you to be myself because you don't, or you don't. You don't accept

1598
01:49:37.120 --> 01:49:44.400
me on conditions. You accept me unconditionally. So accept yourself unconditionally. And that's

1599
01:49:44.400 --> 01:49:51.280
what I mean when I say it's okay to not be okay. Let yourself tell yourself tell your soul and

1600
01:49:51.280 --> 01:49:56.800
allow your soul to basically creating space for your soul to not be okay. And then I'll have it

1601
01:49:56.800 --> 01:49:59.920
so we'll say and then and then you and then

1602
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:03.520
And you choose your spirit, because your spirit, your soul felt heard.

1603
01:50:05.480 --> 01:50:07.040
So anyway,

1604
01:50:09.520 --> 01:50:11.120
it was very, very helpful.

1605
01:50:13.440 --> 01:50:14.520
Thank you for your time.

1606
01:50:16.320 --> 01:50:17.560
I'm sorry.

1607
01:50:18.240 --> 01:50:19.280
I'm so sorry.

1608
01:50:21.440 --> 01:50:22.520
You're not feeling well.

1609
01:50:23.280 --> 01:50:25.680
You're going through all of that because it really is a lot.

1610
01:50:25.680 --> 01:50:28.840
The stuff that you're going through is, you know, they're, they're big things.

1611
01:50:29.680 --> 01:50:34.480
Um, and so it would be very tormenting and they're very, they're age old

1612
01:50:34.480 --> 01:50:38.080
questions that you've asked the Lord that you've wanted relief from.

1613
01:50:38.640 --> 01:50:40.360
So there, they are a really big deal.

1614
01:50:40.360 --> 01:50:41.400
So I'm sorry.

1615
01:50:42.520 --> 01:50:45.920
I'm so glad that you called them, that you told me that you wanted to talk.

1616
01:50:46.920 --> 01:50:48.720
I was hoping that you'd feel that you could.

1617
01:50:49.320 --> 01:50:51.400
Yeah, no, it, it meant a lot.

1618
01:50:52.120 --> 01:50:53.000
Very glad.

1619
01:50:54.000 --> 01:50:59.200
Um, this is really random, but I wanted to remember before I have to call, um,

1620
01:51:00.040 --> 01:51:05.440
did you find, um, uh, like a hotel or an apartment or a place for us to stay?

1621
01:51:05.480 --> 01:51:07.080
Were you able to find availability?

1622
01:51:07.680 --> 01:51:08.200
In March?

1623
01:51:08.240 --> 01:51:08.720
Oh yeah.

1624
01:51:08.760 --> 01:51:10.840
That's not an issue yet at, at morning.

1625
01:51:11.720 --> 01:51:12.000
Yeah.

1626
01:51:12.040 --> 01:51:14.120
Um, so yeah, I'm taking care of all of that.

1627
01:51:14.160 --> 01:51:19.640
One of the things I wanted to ask you about though is, and Ed actually suggested

1628
01:51:19.640 --> 01:51:25.000
this, he said, well, would they be interested in meeting us up at

1629
01:51:25.000 --> 01:51:27.480
Moravian Falls for a night first?

1630
01:51:28.240 --> 01:51:28.760
Yes.

1631
01:51:28.800 --> 01:51:29.800
You remember Moravian Falls?

1632
01:51:29.800 --> 01:51:32.160
We have been wanting to go there.

1633
01:51:32.160 --> 01:51:33.120
Yes.

1634
01:51:33.760 --> 01:51:35.480
I thought that y'all might enjoy that.

1635
01:51:35.480 --> 01:51:37.880
And I thought it was a really good, a suggestion of his.

1636
01:51:37.960 --> 01:51:39.160
I was like, oh, that's such a good idea.

1637
01:51:39.560 --> 01:51:43.600
So I thought that maybe what y'all would like is, uh, so I wanted to know, um,

1638
01:51:43.640 --> 01:51:47.080
Moravian Falls, y'all would hit about an hour and a half before y'all get us anyway.

1639
01:51:47.080 --> 01:51:51.560
So we put that first on Friday night.

1640
01:51:51.600 --> 01:51:55.280
It's in the North part of North Carolina, as opposed to the

1641
01:51:55.280 --> 01:51:56.560
North part of South Carolina.

1642
01:51:57.440 --> 01:52:05.840
Um, anyway, we'd, um, it's in, uh, and, uh, I'm still looking though for a

1643
01:52:05.840 --> 01:52:08.840
place for y'all to stay up there.

1644
01:52:09.160 --> 01:52:12.720
And, um, and I can send y'all the information or whatever.

1645
01:52:12.760 --> 01:52:16.280
And, uh, cause it, there's possible that you could stay at the Morning Star Lodge.

1646
01:52:16.280 --> 01:52:18.200
I've got to check with, with Ed about that.

1647
01:52:18.840 --> 01:52:22.240
And if not, there might be a few other places, but I wanted to see first, if y'all

1648
01:52:22.240 --> 01:52:23.720
would like to stay there for a night.

1649
01:52:24.200 --> 01:52:30.920
And then, um, I, I was thinking that, uh, I was wondering if maybe y'all might like

1650
01:52:30.920 --> 01:52:37.680
me to, um, uh, watch the boys while y'all went up to, um, prayer and you and Josh

1651
01:52:37.680 --> 01:52:41.200
spent some time on prayer mountain, because you know, that's where all of

1652
01:52:41.200 --> 01:52:43.560
those angel visitations are, have been.

1653
01:52:43.560 --> 01:52:44.840
That's where Rick Joyner was.

1654
01:52:44.880 --> 01:52:49.120
And, and you'll feel, you'll feel the peace that's up there.

1655
01:52:49.160 --> 01:52:52.080
Um, in fact, people, like I told you, people have seen in the spirit say that

1656
01:52:52.080 --> 01:52:56.240
that area, not just prayer mountain, but that area of Moravian Falls is more

1657
01:52:56.240 --> 01:52:59.480
spiritually active than any other place they've seen outside of Israel.

1658
01:53:00.400 --> 01:53:05.520
So, um, and so I personally, you know, not aware of having seen angels and stuff,

1659
01:53:05.520 --> 01:53:10.920
but people, people see them all the time at there and that regardless is you feel

1660
01:53:11.760 --> 01:53:13.720
yeah, I feel the peace when I'm there.

1661
01:53:14.000 --> 01:53:17.160
And so I just thought maybe you and Josh might like to take some time

1662
01:53:17.160 --> 01:53:21.240
between, um, y'all and the Lord together or individually at their, um, on a prayer

1663
01:53:21.240 --> 01:53:22.640
mountain, I could watch the boys for y'all.

1664
01:53:22.640 --> 01:53:27.480
So, um, but anyway, I wanted to see if y'all would like to look at that.

1665
01:53:27.680 --> 01:53:30.680
I'll double check with Josh, but I know we've talked about it already,

1666
01:53:30.680 --> 01:53:33.440
that we would love to, um, love to go there.

1667
01:53:33.440 --> 01:53:35.040
We just had no idea that it would be.

1668
01:53:35.600 --> 01:53:37.880
On the route to stuff.

1669
01:53:39.200 --> 01:53:40.040
Yeah, it would.

1670
01:53:40.160 --> 01:53:40.440
Yeah.

1671
01:53:40.480 --> 01:53:40.920
And.

1672
01:53:41.720 --> 01:53:46.840
And then y'all could spend some time on, um, on, uh, probably like Saturday.

1673
01:53:47.240 --> 01:53:51.560
And then we would head out about an hour and a half, you know, to back to Charlotte,

1674
01:53:51.640 --> 01:53:55.680
you know, technically Fort Mill Moravian Falls and for y'all to stay a couple

1675
01:53:55.680 --> 01:53:57.360
of nights that were at Morningstar.

1676
01:53:57.360 --> 01:54:02.280
And the reason for that is, um, I'd prefer for us to spend more time in Moravian.

1677
01:54:02.280 --> 01:54:05.160
But the thing is, I figured that y'all might like to go to

1678
01:54:05.160 --> 01:54:07.200
church on Sunday at Morningstar.

1679
01:54:07.840 --> 01:54:10.520
It's in the same building as, as the place that y'all be staying.

1680
01:54:11.160 --> 01:54:14.720
But the thing is that, um, uh, that.

1681
01:54:15.160 --> 01:54:20.440
Uh, Ed did mention, he's like, are they sure that they would like to stay here?

1682
01:54:20.760 --> 01:54:23.040
He's like, you know, it's just a hotel room.

1683
01:54:23.040 --> 01:54:24.560
It's not very interesting.

1684
01:54:24.560 --> 01:54:29.480
You know, he said there's no swimming pool for the boys and there's no breakfast.

1685
01:54:30.080 --> 01:54:36.240
Um, and, uh, so I did want to mention that to y'all that if y'all, uh, if,

1686
01:54:36.600 --> 01:54:40.880
if y'all were looking for a place that maybe had more amenities, then you

1687
01:54:40.880 --> 01:54:43.040
might want to check some other place.

1688
01:54:43.360 --> 01:54:46.400
But I just thought Morningstar, just because it's like, well, it's

1689
01:54:46.400 --> 01:54:48.360
all the same building and whatever.

1690
01:54:48.360 --> 01:54:50.680
But there's nothing special about the hotel room.

1691
01:54:50.680 --> 01:54:56.080
The only, the only interesting thing is that it's just a, um, it's just the

1692
01:54:56.080 --> 01:55:00.000
convenience, but, but there there's hotel rooms.

1693
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:01.840
It's like right down the street.

1694
01:55:01.840 --> 01:55:05.320
And so y'all let me know which y'all would like me to do,

1695
01:55:05.320 --> 01:55:06.400
because I haven't booked it yet,

1696
01:55:06.400 --> 01:55:08.760
but there's absolute availability.

1697
01:55:08.760 --> 01:55:10.440
So that's not an issue.

1698
01:55:10.440 --> 01:55:12.080
Yeah, that's not an issue at all.

1699
01:55:14.080 --> 01:55:18.400
I will talk to Josh and then let you know as far as like.

1700
01:55:18.400 --> 01:55:19.760
I didn't know if y'all wanted,

1701
01:55:19.760 --> 01:55:22.160
Ed mentioned there are Airbnbs in the area,

1702
01:55:22.160 --> 01:55:23.000
stuff like that.

1703
01:55:23.000 --> 01:55:26.360
So you had mentioned that y'all thought about doing Airbnb.

1704
01:55:26.360 --> 01:55:28.520
Like I said, it would be for a couple of nights.

1705
01:55:28.520 --> 01:55:30.040
So I didn't know what y'all might figure

1706
01:55:30.040 --> 01:55:34.720
would be more comfortable for y'all having the boys,

1707
01:55:34.720 --> 01:55:38.800
if you would prefer an Airbnb instead of a hotel room.

1708
01:55:38.800 --> 01:55:40.440
That may be just easier.

1709
01:55:40.440 --> 01:55:43.720
Are there restaurants close by?

1710
01:55:43.720 --> 01:55:45.920
Yeah, there's restaurants close by.

1711
01:55:45.920 --> 01:55:47.600
There are, okay.

1712
01:55:47.600 --> 01:55:49.400
There's a cafe in the building,

1713
01:55:49.400 --> 01:55:54.200
but it won't be open when y'all are there.

1714
01:55:54.200 --> 01:55:56.320
It might be open that Monday,

1715
01:55:56.360 --> 01:55:58.040
but it's not open on Sunday.

1716
01:55:58.960 --> 01:56:00.360
I don't think.

1717
01:56:00.360 --> 01:56:04.560
What is the town that you were in?

1718
01:56:06.680 --> 01:56:10.600
Because I'm trying to think if we would book an Airbnb,

1719
01:56:10.600 --> 01:56:12.920
like what area would we want to look at?

1720
01:56:14.800 --> 01:56:16.840
Oh, Fort Mill.

1721
01:56:16.840 --> 01:56:18.880
Oh, Fort Mill, okay, okay.

1722
01:56:18.880 --> 01:56:22.280
Yeah, another thing that you can do is just Google,

1723
01:56:22.280 --> 01:56:25.880
Morningstar, Administration Morningstar Fellowship Church,

1724
01:56:26.680 --> 01:56:29.160
and then you'll see where it is on the map,

1725
01:56:29.160 --> 01:56:31.760
and then you just kind of look in that area.

1726
01:56:31.760 --> 01:56:34.160
Yeah, Fort Mill is very small.

1727
01:56:34.160 --> 01:56:36.440
You're not far from Morningstar then?

1728
01:56:36.440 --> 01:56:38.480
So technically I'm 17 minutes,

1729
01:56:40.320 --> 01:56:41.760
because I have to take some back roads

1730
01:56:41.760 --> 01:56:42.840
to get there or whatever,

1731
01:56:42.840 --> 01:56:46.280
but no, I mean, it's not far, it's just 17 minutes.

1732
01:56:46.280 --> 01:56:49.160
It's like the distance between you and Priscilla's house.

1733
01:56:49.160 --> 01:56:52.000
Okay, so Fort Mill area, okay.

1734
01:56:52.960 --> 01:56:57.960
Yeah, I will talk to Josh and then let you know

1735
01:56:58.120 --> 01:56:59.880
as far as like the Airbnbs and stuff,

1736
01:56:59.880 --> 01:57:02.760
and even like for Moravian Falls,

1737
01:57:02.760 --> 01:57:06.400
had you said that you were looking into lodging for that

1738
01:57:06.400 --> 01:57:09.200
for if we stay there Friday night then?

1739
01:57:09.200 --> 01:57:13.520
Yeah, to see if maybe, because Morningstar Lodge,

1740
01:57:13.520 --> 01:57:16.120
I wasn't sure if they were, how open,

1741
01:57:16.120 --> 01:57:17.880
like if it's just Morningstar people

1742
01:57:17.880 --> 01:57:20.800
or if it's open to other people as well to rent rooms,

1743
01:57:21.200 --> 01:57:23.600
and if it is, well, the convenient thing about that

1744
01:57:23.600 --> 01:57:25.680
is they're on Prairie Mountain.

1745
01:57:25.680 --> 01:57:26.720
Like if I'm not mistaken,

1746
01:57:26.720 --> 01:57:30.480
I think you can walk to the top of the mountain from there.

1747
01:57:30.480 --> 01:57:33.360
I mean, it's not like the Rocky Mountains,

1748
01:57:33.360 --> 01:57:35.120
it's like a hill, but still,

1749
01:57:35.120 --> 01:57:37.840
you can walk there from there,

1750
01:57:37.840 --> 01:57:41.280
or you could just very quickly drive in just a few minutes.

1751
01:57:41.280 --> 01:57:42.120
So I just thought, well,

1752
01:57:42.120 --> 01:57:45.280
that location would be a convenient bed in, but anyway,

1753
01:57:45.280 --> 01:57:47.640
and I don't know if Ed and I would be staying there

1754
01:57:47.640 --> 01:57:50.120
or if we would be staying with our friend

1755
01:57:50.120 --> 01:57:53.320
who would be across the way, but she's full.

1756
01:57:53.320 --> 01:57:56.840
She has, yeah, she's got lots of people

1757
01:57:56.840 --> 01:57:57.960
staying with her that weekend,

1758
01:57:57.960 --> 01:58:00.120
but she did say that she had rooms for Ed and I

1759
01:58:00.120 --> 01:58:02.560
because she and her husband have been inviting Ed and I

1760
01:58:02.560 --> 01:58:03.960
to go up there and visit with them

1761
01:58:03.960 --> 01:58:06.520
since we haven't visited since we're engaged,

1762
01:58:06.520 --> 01:58:09.680
or engaged, since we're, and since we're dating.

1763
01:58:09.680 --> 01:58:14.040
We did, we did like right before we started dating,

1764
01:58:14.040 --> 01:58:16.640
and we've always just visited her as friends

1765
01:58:16.640 --> 01:58:19.600
and not dating, so they're like, you need to come.

1766
01:58:20.120 --> 01:58:20.960
So we thought we might be doing it.

1767
01:58:20.960 --> 01:58:24.000
So we're not sure if we'll be there or if we'll be at the,

1768
01:58:24.000 --> 01:58:25.760
whatever we find for y'all.

1769
01:58:25.760 --> 01:58:27.760
Yeah, okay, that sounds good.

1770
01:58:27.760 --> 01:58:30.000
I will, I will talk to Josh about it,

1771
01:58:30.000 --> 01:58:32.880
and you know, we are so excited about it.

1772
01:58:32.880 --> 01:58:34.400
Oh my goodness, it is,

1773
01:58:34.400 --> 01:58:36.080
it's still like really cold and windy.

1774
01:58:36.080 --> 01:58:38.560
Yesterday, we've started to have a few days

1775
01:58:38.560 --> 01:58:40.760
where it's like, you can smell spring,

1776
01:58:40.760 --> 01:58:43.400
and it's like getting in the forties and fifties.

1777
01:58:43.400 --> 01:58:45.600
I'm like, oh my goodness,

1778
01:58:45.600 --> 01:58:47.960
this is what it feels like to be warm again.

1779
01:58:48.000 --> 01:58:52.720
So I'm like, I'm so excited to be able to go somewhere warm.

1780
01:58:52.720 --> 01:58:54.680
Usually this is around the time when,

1781
01:58:54.680 --> 01:58:56.840
when everyone is like thinking that spring's coming,

1782
01:58:56.840 --> 01:58:58.160
and then a lot of times we'll have

1783
01:58:58.160 --> 01:58:59.720
like a really big snowstorm.

1784
01:58:59.720 --> 01:59:00.560
Correct.

1785
01:59:00.560 --> 01:59:04.440
No, we shall see, but today it's,

1786
01:59:04.440 --> 01:59:06.840
it's super windy and like 30 hours.

1787
01:59:08.000 --> 01:59:08.840
Wow.

1788
01:59:08.840 --> 01:59:10.320
So we'll go somewhere warm.

1789
01:59:10.320 --> 01:59:11.600
I know, I was going to say,

1790
01:59:11.600 --> 01:59:13.320
you're in short sleeves and shorts,

1791
01:59:13.320 --> 01:59:16.280
and I'm really surprised I'm in a short sleeve shirt,

1792
01:59:16.280 --> 01:59:18.720
because usually in this weather, I'm-

1793
01:59:18.720 --> 01:59:21.120
What is the weather like in South Carolina?

1794
01:59:22.120 --> 01:59:24.640
I mean, how cold does it get here during the winter?

1795
01:59:27.440 --> 01:59:30.040
Like they usually only have one snowfall,

1796
01:59:30.040 --> 01:59:31.600
and it's a very small snowfall,

1797
01:59:31.600 --> 01:59:36.600
like one, one or two inches a year.

1798
01:59:37.000 --> 01:59:40.880
And every, so they, so throughout the winter,

1799
01:59:40.880 --> 01:59:44.040
it'll go from like the thirties to the sixties,

1800
01:59:44.400 --> 01:59:46.320
you know, and everything in between.

1801
01:59:46.320 --> 01:59:48.760
So I suppose the average temperature in the,

1802
01:59:48.760 --> 01:59:53.760
in the winter is like low fifties, high forties as average.

1803
01:59:56.760 --> 02:00:00.120
It's not bad, you know, and hardly any snow.

1804
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:07.860
And, and they it does get very, it's very humid in the in the summer, and very dry and

1805
02:00:07.860 --> 02:00:11.060
very hot in the summer, and very dry in the winter.

1806
02:00:11.060 --> 02:00:12.060
So interesting.

1807
02:00:12.060 --> 02:00:14.060
That's about all I know so far.

1808
02:00:14.060 --> 02:00:15.060
Yeah.

1809
02:00:15.060 --> 02:00:18.060
Only been here for a couple of nights.

1810
02:00:18.060 --> 02:00:19.060
Yeah.

1811
02:00:19.060 --> 02:00:20.060
Me too.

1812
02:00:20.060 --> 02:00:23.700
Well, thank you so much.

1813
02:00:23.700 --> 02:00:24.700
You're welcome.

1814
02:00:24.700 --> 02:00:30.700
I hope that you get some release soon and I'm sorry, good friend.

1815
02:00:30.700 --> 02:00:32.620
Oh, one more question.

1816
02:00:32.620 --> 02:00:35.820
When are y'all, when are y'all going back to Pennsylvania?

1817
02:00:35.820 --> 02:00:39.940
Because I'm looking, you know, after, after Florida.

1818
02:00:39.940 --> 02:00:40.940
Yes, it is.

1819
02:00:40.940 --> 02:00:42.780
Let me pull up my calendar.

1820
02:00:42.780 --> 02:00:48.220
The we have our Airbnb booked from the seventh to the 11th of March.

1821
02:00:48.220 --> 02:00:53.380
So we are going to be heading back, like the weekend of the 12th.

1822
02:00:53.380 --> 02:00:54.380
So we'll for sure be back.

1823
02:00:54.380 --> 02:00:56.380
We're hoping to be back by that Monday.

1824
02:00:56.380 --> 02:00:58.060
So I think it's the 14th.

1825
02:00:58.060 --> 02:01:02.500
So yeah, Monday, March 14, we're hoping to be back.

1826
02:01:02.500 --> 02:01:07.220
I mean, we're like, if it would end up that it would be really nice and sunny and we don't

1827
02:01:07.220 --> 02:01:08.220
feel like coming home.

1828
02:01:08.220 --> 02:01:15.220
I don't know, we can extend our stay but as of now, the plan is to be back by the 14th.

1829
02:01:15.220 --> 02:01:16.220
So, okay.

1830
02:01:16.220 --> 02:01:17.220
Okay, well, sounds good.

1831
02:01:17.220 --> 02:01:23.340
I was just wondering, you know, because I was gonna see if I could get up there in March.

1832
02:01:24.300 --> 02:01:25.300
We'll see.

1833
02:01:25.300 --> 02:01:30.220
And if so, it may not be until like the last week of March, but I'm still looking.

1834
02:01:30.220 --> 02:01:33.860
I don't even know if I'll be able to, but I'm, I'm trying to get that to work.

1835
02:01:33.860 --> 02:01:36.620
So still have it in the back of my mind.

1836
02:01:36.620 --> 02:01:38.100
And are you looking to stay at Barbie's?

1837
02:01:38.100 --> 02:01:40.820
Do you have a place to stay?

1838
02:01:40.820 --> 02:01:42.180
I don't have a place to stay.

1839
02:01:42.180 --> 02:01:45.700
I hadn't, she had offered me their place.

1840
02:01:45.700 --> 02:01:48.140
So that's absolutely a possibility.

1841
02:01:48.140 --> 02:01:50.740
So I just, I just hadn't gotten that part yet.

1842
02:01:51.140 --> 02:01:54.340
Well, I just have a guest room now, now that our boys are sleeping.

1843
02:01:54.340 --> 02:01:56.780
So if you need somewhere to stay, just let us know.

1844
02:01:56.780 --> 02:01:57.780
Oh, that's right.

1845
02:01:57.780 --> 02:02:03.100
Or if you want to stay for just a couple nights or however, our door is always open.

1846
02:02:03.100 --> 02:02:04.100
Thank you.

1847
02:02:04.100 --> 02:02:06.980
I really appreciate that.

1848
02:02:06.980 --> 02:02:11.060
The nursery is like cleaned out now and the boys are in the same room.

1849
02:02:11.060 --> 02:02:15.980
So they're enjoying the camaraderie of being with each other.

1850
02:02:15.980 --> 02:02:16.980
How fun.

1851
02:02:16.980 --> 02:02:17.980
I'm glad.

1852
02:02:18.220 --> 02:02:21.940
It works well because so often it doesn't, and it makes it harder on the parents when

1853
02:02:21.940 --> 02:02:25.340
the boys can't, you know, children can't get together.

1854
02:02:25.340 --> 02:02:29.660
I was worried about that, but for me, it was like, I was up with Dominic and then Eric

1855
02:02:29.660 --> 02:02:31.740
would wake up and want to be with me.

1856
02:02:31.740 --> 02:02:36.580
And so then like, I was in the wrong room and I'm like, forget it.

1857
02:02:36.580 --> 02:02:39.580
Like, cause then he would want to come in and be with me in the nursery, but then there

1858
02:02:39.580 --> 02:02:40.580
wasn't anywhere for him to be.

1859
02:02:40.580 --> 02:02:43.580
So I was like, well, let's just move them in together and then I can do both of them

1860
02:02:43.580 --> 02:02:44.900
at the same time if we have to be.

1861
02:02:44.900 --> 02:02:47.940
So it works out better to just consolidate them.

1862
02:02:47.940 --> 02:02:48.940
They're both into one area.

1863
02:02:48.940 --> 02:02:49.940
Yeah.

1864
02:02:49.940 --> 02:02:50.940
Yeah.

1865
02:02:50.940 --> 02:02:51.940
I'm glad.

1866
02:02:51.940 --> 02:02:52.940
I'm glad.

1867
02:02:52.940 --> 02:02:57.420
And also, I hadn't gotten a chance to respond to your Marco Polo yet.

1868
02:02:57.420 --> 02:03:01.940
I'm sorry, but I'm glad that the Gabor Mate videos were interesting.

1869
02:03:01.940 --> 02:03:02.940
Oh my goodness.

1870
02:03:02.940 --> 02:03:03.940
Yes.

1871
02:03:03.940 --> 02:03:04.940
Aren't they interesting?

1872
02:03:04.940 --> 02:03:05.940
He is a very fascinating speaker.

1873
02:03:05.940 --> 02:03:06.940
Yeah.

1874
02:03:06.940 --> 02:03:07.940
Wow.

1875
02:03:07.940 --> 02:03:08.940
Yeah.

1876
02:03:08.940 --> 02:03:11.940
Anyway, I thought some of his ideas were very, very interesting.

1877
02:03:11.940 --> 02:03:16.940
It's kind of like when I heard him, I was like, that makes sense.

1878
02:03:16.940 --> 02:03:20.260
It's like, you know, that sounds, it sounds new creation.

1879
02:03:20.260 --> 02:03:21.260
It sounds fatherly.

1880
02:03:21.260 --> 02:03:22.260
It sounds, it resonates.

1881
02:03:22.260 --> 02:03:23.260
Yeah.

1882
02:03:23.260 --> 02:03:24.260
Right.

1883
02:03:24.260 --> 02:03:28.180
So anyway, but just actually like, how do you actually work that out?

1884
02:03:28.180 --> 02:03:29.180
It's very interesting.

1885
02:03:29.180 --> 02:03:33.760
I've watched my brother and sister-in-law raise their child very similarly.

1886
02:03:33.760 --> 02:03:38.140
They hadn't heard of Gabor Mate, but they heard of like that idea, that kind of thing

1887
02:03:38.140 --> 02:03:39.700
from other people.

1888
02:03:39.700 --> 02:03:44.460
And I just loved watching how they were raising my nephew and I loved watching the results

1889
02:03:44.460 --> 02:03:49.740
of it in his life and how he's just, he's very peaceful.

1890
02:03:49.740 --> 02:03:55.540
He feels very safe and, and to just, to see the interaction and the relationship I've

1891
02:03:55.540 --> 02:03:56.780
just loved.

1892
02:03:56.780 --> 02:04:01.060
And so I've actually gotten to watch what it does to a child.

1893
02:04:01.060 --> 02:04:04.500
So now they're had their second child, so every child's unique.

1894
02:04:04.500 --> 02:04:10.700
So I'll be fascinated to watch how it goes with the second child.

1895
02:04:10.700 --> 02:04:15.500
You know, applying the same principles to a totally different personality, that'll be

1896
02:04:15.500 --> 02:04:16.500
fun.

1897
02:04:16.500 --> 02:04:20.300
But anyway, so I'm glad that that was, that that was good.

1898
02:04:20.300 --> 02:04:21.300
Yeah.

1899
02:04:21.300 --> 02:04:22.300
Well, I'll let you go.

1900
02:04:22.300 --> 02:04:27.220
It's good to see you Carrie and I'll, I'll be praying for you.

1901
02:04:27.220 --> 02:04:28.220
Thank you.

1902
02:04:28.220 --> 02:04:29.220
Thanks so much for your time.

1903
02:04:29.220 --> 02:04:35.460
Not only that, but giving so much of yourself for however long it's been that we've been

1904
02:04:35.460 --> 02:04:36.460
talking.

1905
02:04:36.460 --> 02:04:37.460
You're welcome.

1906
02:04:37.460 --> 02:04:38.460
Been really happy too.

1907
02:04:38.460 --> 02:04:40.460
So anyway, love you.

1908
02:04:41.220 --> 02:04:42.220
I love you too.

1909
02:04:42.220 --> 02:04:43.220
I can't wait to see you.

1910
02:04:43.220 --> 02:04:44.220
Okay.

1911
02:04:44.220 --> 02:04:45.220
See you.

1912
02:04:45.220 --> 02:04:45.720
Bye.