Okay.
Hey,
This is so sad.
This is like, oh my word watery eyes.
Huh.
I'm not crying, and yet my eyes are so bad I can't tell you.
I woke up with them huge like huge golf balls. They were glued shut.
Yeah.
Allergies and stuff.
Yeah. It's the same thing that I've been telling you has been going on,
but it, my eyes are getting worse and I don't know what's going on.
So anyway, we look the same.
Just one of us is emotionally stable and the other is not.
That's debatable.
Do you want me to wear headphones?
Like, will it echo for you?
No, I'm fine.
Okay.
Usually for whatever reason,
people say that things echo on my end and I don't know if I have my
iPhone up higher than other people when I do my speaker.
Or if it's that.
Some things.
Like I've dropped my phone many times.
And I've dropped my phone in water many times.
If that affects.
What's good.
Anyway, people.
People tend to have an issue with them.
I don't.
I don't know if I have my phone up high enough.
I don't know if it's echo.
I don't know if it's feedback or echo.
On my end.
So anyway, that's why I do.
The AirPods.
So let me know if they're okay.
No, I might have to view it myself every now and then to chew.
I bought it.
That's fine. Sorry about the short notice and all of it.
I hope this worked out.
Yeah.
And I'm glad that you contacted.
We've talked before about the fact that, you know, you always try to.
You know,
I think that's where we get so much value from that.
You know,
You know, sometimes we, we need someone to reach out to.
Yeah.
Today is definitely one of those days.
Oh, my word.
I don't know what is wrong or what is going on. I have no idea,
but I feel like I'm.
Like all the way back before.
Like, I feel like I'm all the way back to ground zero.
And I just feel like.
I feel so alone.
From everyone and everything.
And I don't even,
I feel like I backed myself into a corner and I don't know how to get
out of it.
I just feel like everything I'm grasping for.
Isn't there.
But my word.
I mean, my kids have been sick. I hardly have any sleep.
And I'm like, okay, we're doing this. We are going to do it.
And I'm like,
I'm not going to just fight all of these triggers because I'm literally
going to lose my mind.
Like whatever it is. I don't like.
I mean, it's marriage and like stuff with dad and like literally
everything all over again.
And I'm like, what is going on?
And then.
I was like, oh, it's fine. You know, we're just.
You know, we're just trying to talk ourselves off the cliff.
You know,
And then Josh and I decided to hang a wallpaper yesterday,
which was like an astronomically destructive event.
And I was like, I was the worst wife you could ever imagine. Okay.
There was a fire.
That started out in the woods because Josh dumped hot ash out.
So there was a fire.
There was the wall,
like the paint on the wall started to bubble and peel behind the
wallpaper. I mean, literally.
Like the earth was attacking me.
I mean,
They have movies.
About.
The dangers.
The emotional dangers.
Of hanging wallpaper.
The fact that you and your husband.
Together.
It just grounds me yet.
This isn't good.
I could have told you that.
I actually thought about that.
You know,
when you told me that you wanted to wallpaper your bathroom.
I like.
That's a really healthy situation.
Did I tell you about how that went?
What part?
The banging that wallpaper in that bathroom. That was the first.
I've seen that one.
Huh? No.
You're talking about it that way.
In the bathroom.
And I had asked Josh to help me.
And he ended up getting sick and went to bed and took a nap.
And I didn't realize that he was sick.
And he just went in bed and fell asleep.
Well, then the boys were napping.
I'm like, well, I'm just gonna do it myself then.
Oh my word, the rage that I endured hanging that wallpaper.
And then it wasn't lining up.
And then like my pattern, you know,
of course wasn't lining up.
And then I ran out of wallpaper and then had to trim it out
with like one inch strip on the end.
And I'm like, yeah.
So that was why I was like going into this wallpaper.
I'm like, I'm not gonna do it.
You know, unless Josh helps me.
It was like a double-edged sword.
Oh my word.
And then last night we had company.
One of my friends from church came over.
So we're like in the middle of this heated fight.
And then we have to open the door and we're like,
hi, would you like to come in and be a witness
to the verbal abuse happening in our house?
And so then she comes in and, you know,
we're just like trying to play it cool.
Well, then we watched Inception.
And then I'm like, oh my word.
Like all those dreams that I've been having
and like all the dreams that I've like just been thinking
that, oh, they don't really matter or whatever.
You know, I'm like, oh my goodness.
Like all of a sudden now it's like coming full circle.
And I'm like, I have way more issues than I thought.
And then this morning I woke up and I'm like,
I don't know what went wrong,
how it went wrong or who it went wrong with.
But something feels like I'm about to snap.
But it's mostly, I mean, it's coming out the most
with Josh and I for sure.
And I'm like, I thought this was stuff
that we had dealt with years ago.
And I'm like, or else I just told Josh this afternoon,
I was like, this is the thing that I was hoping
I would never ever have to deal with.
And that I was hoping that my spirit
could just heal my soul and that would be the end of it.
And I don't have to actually go through it.
But nonetheless, here I am.
I'm sorry, so you're saying that you can't think back
to like specific types of events
or like, is it just kind of like, I don't know,
that this is kind of usual except that,
I mean, usual meaning like the things
that have been happening between like you and Josh
or your dad or the boys or whatever,
kind of usual, it's just kind of like a little heightened
and it's just all at once.
Or have there been like little things of like,
oh no, this hasn't happened in like a year and a half.
And then they're saying this or they're doing this
or whatever, like are there specific events
or what was the trigger?
Or do you think that's it?
I mean, I guess, I guess this week,
I'm not really sure of the timeline.
I know that you said that this week has been hard,
but I wasn't sure if you thought that it had gone back
further than this.
I know that you said that you've been feeling,
I don't remember the word you used,
you didn't say unsettled,
but like there's something in you that wants to come out
and therefore that's just kind of,
you didn't use the word irritating.
But that can, you know.
Yeah, yeah, so that, oh my word,
I feel like it's all been leading up
to this great astronomical thing
that's happening right now.
But so after I talked to you,
after I had talked to you,
then I had some really, really interesting dreams.
The one dream, I say this,
cause it'll all make sense here,
but the one dream I had,
there was a man after me trying to kill me.
And he was, he, at first it was like,
I thought I was feeling bad for him.
So I was driving with him somewhere.
Well, then it ended up that he started attacking me
and wanted to rape and kill me.
And I was like, oh my goodness,
like this can't be the way that I die.
And so he managed to get me,
like drag me out of the truck
and was starting to kill me.
And I told the Lord, I was like, I can't die like this.
But he had a hold of my hands and was killing me.
I was like, I can't, like, I'm too strong.
I can't talk or he's too strong.
I don't know how to get free.
And so then the Lord told me,
he's like, just stop fighting him.
Like you, I am stronger than he is.
So you have to let me do this for you.
He's like, well, if I stop fighting, he's gonna kill me.
Like that, that's the only other option.
And he was like, no, you have to let go.
Even though it looks like you're gonna die,
you have to let go and stop physically fighting him
so that you can be free.
And so I was like, okay,
well, either I'm gonna die that way
or I'm gonna die this way.
So I let go.
And all of a sudden,
the guy that was on top of me attacking me looked at me
and he was like, at first he sneered at me
and was like, oh, you know, you're giving up
so I can kill you now.
And then all of a sudden he looked at my hands
and he was like, what is wrong with my hands?
He's like, oh my goodness, I can't move my hands
and became completely paralyzed.
And fell over and couldn't move.
And then I was able to get free from him.
And then-
And sorry to interrupt,
but I just wanted to point out that there's greater,
that's why I talked about that.
There's greater power in battling evil by not-
battling it, but by neutralizing its power. It's the paralyzation. It's neutralizing it,
right. And it's more powerful than fighting. Yeah. So anyway, but yeah, go ahead.
And then the next dream I had, this was like, I think, I forget, was it before the weekend?
It was like, this was all like leading up to this whole week. So last weekend
that I had another dream, Josh and I were going somewhere. We were on a journey. It was just
Josh and I, we were going somewhere and we stopped at this like old historic library slash small
home. It was like a library in a home and we were walking through it. And I was sitting there like
really nervous, you know, like picking my face and just, you know, being like fidgety, you know?
And all of a sudden this man called me into his office, like this old, it was an older man. He
had actually just passed away. I knew the man. He had just passed away a few weeks ago. He had
attended Grace and Truth years ago. And he called me into his office and he looked and was like,
why did Jesus die? I was like, well, I don't like to set me free. He's like, yeah, well then why are
you picking your face all the time? I get so nervous. You're not free. Jesus set you free.
You're supposed to be the whole way free. And I was like, okay. He's like, come here. I'm going
to pray for you. And then it turned into Dr. O. And I was like, was that Dr. O? Like, I actually
think I just saw him actually. It was the most bizarre dream. And then he was like, he's going
to anoint me. Like he, he put on, he, he gave something to me in the dream. Like not only,
not only like praying for me, you know, just like the cliche praying, but it was like,
he was like, I'm, I'm anointing you for something. And then I think that was before Sunday. Well,
then Sunday we went to church and it was like, that was where it all kind of started as far as
like all the frustration feelings. You're good. Okay. Okay. Um, so then Sunday we went to church
and the boys like completely, I mean, they were a complete disaster. Eric didn't do it to go to,
to go to Sunday school or sit still like the whole service. He whined. And I mean, it was like,
you could just tell there was something off in him and there was something off in me too. So I'm
like, well, there's no wonder like I'm a mess. He's a mess. And so then we drove home from church
that Sunday. And I just, I cried the whole way home. I told Josh, like, I don't know
what is wrong with me. Well, our pastor has been preaching about, um, about, well, the last,
okay. So before last Sunday, he had a message about that. You're not that important. Like,
in other words, if, if you aren't willing to do something, then God's just going to find somebody
else to do it. Like you have to get out of your own way and just, just stop taking yourself so
seriously and realize that God's going to work for you or anyone else. Like you can't,
you can no longer stand the way of God. I don't know. And I just, all of a sudden I felt so much
condemnation and like, there's all these things inside of me that want to come out, but yet I'm
the one who has to get it out of me. And if I don't get it out of me, well then it's my fault.
And so I need to figure out how to get it out of me. But it was just so, I was so confused. I told
Josh, like, I feel like if I can't get, if I don't do something right, then God's just going
to move on because obviously I'm failing him. And I just feel like, I feel like I'm doing so
many things wrong. And now like, I'm just getting so much condemnation and judgment. I feel from
church and like, obviously if the reason things are coming out of me, it's my own fault. And I
just need to go sign up for something, you know, sign up for nursery or something spiritual,
you know, and I'm like, forget it. I'm not doing that. And then my week started and then the boys
got sick and then here I am. And I have like, had maybe eight hours of sleep all week. And I'm like,
like all this stuff, like all this stuff, like all the way back into like postpartum, you know?
And dad's been talking a lot about like raising children and like how we can't raise our kids
for the devil. And you know, we need to train our kids. And I'm just like, what is going on?
But I feel like the biggest thing for, for me is like Josh and I, and how I feel like,
I feel like I can bring in separation with my relationship with God so easily.
And then that's how I perceive Josh. And I feel like ever since our relationship started,
it's always like we were forced into something, you know, like we,
Josh accidentally ended up telling me that he wanted to date me and he wasn't gonna ask me.
He wasn't ready to ask me yet, but he, he thought that we were set up, you know? So he did.
Well, and then his parents were like, it's too late now because he hadn't, he, he knew that
he wanted to ask me, but he didn't feel right about it. Well, then, you know, we ended up in
that Sunday afternoon at Sam's house because we misunderstood each other and he ended up going,
it was like, oh, well, you know why I'm here. I'm here because obviously like you must have
feelings for me too, because that's why I'm here.
error. I think it was the most horrible situation you can think
of. So then he called his mom and was like, I just screwed
everything up. Like, I had no idea. She didn't know. And he
knew, like, he didn't want to, he didn't want to ask me out
yet. But all of a sudden, he did. And it was just like, it
was over, you know. So then his parents were like, Oh, well, you
know, it's fine. Like, don't panic. Just, you know, ask her
dad, and then everything will be fine. So he ended up calling my
dad, you know, and then I was like, well, this is the most
confusing thing I've ever done in my whole entire life, you
know, and then that's how we started our relationship. But I
feel like, you know, I feel like,
the Dean, I'm sorry, why was it so confusing to you?
Because I was scared that I was all of my decisions are based on
fear, like, I'm either going to start dating him, because I'm
scared that if I don't, I'm doing the wrong thing. So I
would rather go through the wrong thing. I would rather do
the wrong thing and have someone there with me, then do the wrong
thing and be left alone in life.
Oh, okay. Got it.
So I chose the less lonely wrong in my mind. It's like, if I'm
wrong, well, then sue me. I'm gonna get charged. Yeah. And so
at that time, before, before Josh asked me, there was another
guy in my church that I knew was, I think, okay, I didn't
know for sure that he had intentions on, you know,
starting a relationship with me or that he had any, you know,
intentions that he was going to express. But I had feelings for
another guy in our church. And it's the same guy that I have
kept having dreams about. And it's been this thing, like we
have never, you know, our culture is like, you never talk
about anything you never like, it's all just this vague thing
in your imagination. Like you just kind of have to figure out
what's going on. And no one knows. And you could be
completely wrong or else you could not even be taken
seriously. It's the most confusing thing. So we started
our relationship will then come to find out then that Josh that
this guy had actually talked to Josh about me, and told Josh
that he was planning to ask me out. And that was after we
started dating. And I was like, Oh, no, like, I officially have
ruined my life now. And all the dreams that I have, it's when
I'm in a relationship with Josh, and I'm about ready to break up
with him and start dating this other guy, like it's still
haunting me. And I feel like I can't receive love from Josh,
because I feel so guilty about it still. And it wasn't even
like, I don't even like, I haven't seen the guy for years,
we were never in a relationship, we never hardly even had more
than five sentences together. But like their personalities are
different enough that every time that I don't know how I feel
about Josh, or every time I feel lonely, or insecure or scared,
like I always think of this other guy, I'm like, Oh, maybe
Josh would just be more like him, you know, the stereotypical
male, maybe she wouldn't game, maybe if you do this instead,
you know, and it's like, I pin this thing onto Josh that I
wanted to be, but I never even was in a relationship with him.
And it's just the most twisted, confusing thing. And I feel
like, I feel like how I act and then the separation I put
between Josh and I hurts us enough that how could I even
tell him then about all this other stuff, you know, I just
feel awful.
I feel so horrible.
I'm sorry.
I'm a couple of things that come to mind. First of all, I'm gonna
go all the way back to Sunday, just so that I don't forget it.
And I'll mention the stuff about Josh. You know, you were saying
that you felt such contemnation. It's like, well, if I don't get
it out of me, well, then God will use something else. But
understand that what your pastor is talking about is when we say
no. When it's a very and I felt in me those moments, because
there's a difference between me struggling with the Lord. You
know, I don't like this. And I don't want to do this. But I'm
not telling you No, I'm just kind of like having a hissy fit.
I'm being a toddler about it.
There's a difference in that I noticed that God still doesn't
let let me go of it, because I'm not really letting it go. I'm
just I'm just wrestling with it. It's almost like kind of like
Jacob with the angel is pressing against it. And yet,
the same time, you're not letting it go. So that's just a
struggle. That's just an aspect of the process. That's very
different than just the certain thing that'll settle in your
spirit, which I don't know if you've ever felt this, but I
felt the difference is when I actually decide deep down within
me, I'm like, No, I will not. Then I feel God leaves me. And I
don't mean to ask him leave me, but I can leave that part of
like, hey, you have an opportunity for us to do this
together. In other words, Chris Blackaby talks about it when he
tells you probably heard him tell the story about when he
went went to the restaurant. And without any money, and he was
just going to go by faith and he
And so he gets to the gets to the door and he puts his hand on the door technically it was a gate, he and I went there in in April or May, and, and, and it was this gate that he had his hand on, you know, into this garden of this of this restaurant.
And he thought what on earth am I doing and he said this at what he refers to as this atmosphere came over and he said he knew that as soon as he agreed with the atmosphere he'd have to leave.
As soon as he agreed with this atmosphere that. Okay, this is stupid. This isn't going to work.
What on earth do you think you're doing God abandoned you, you know, he doesn't believe you know he doesn't accept you or you won't protect you and provide for you.
He knew that this, his soul was currently in torment and as soon as he agreed with the fact that it's an if, if he were to agree with the fact that yeah God does at the end to me, he would get immediate relief.
And I know Chris talked about I felt that when I have agreed and I've actually said no.
I, you feel relief because the God removes the struggle because it's like okay it's no longer an issue.
You, you aren't part of that moves on to someone else and whatever. That's very different. That's a very intentional decision that you're making other than you're just struggling like a child with the Lord and I don't mean like you're too.
I mean you could be like 15 and or you can be 30 and or whatever. It's that you're, it's that you're, you're just you're trying to learn how to step into something that you don't know what you're stepping into and you don't know how.
And God's like, I know that.
So I'm helping you, I'm showing you how to do it and in the middle of you stepping into some into an unknown.
You feel like you're bumbling, you feel like I don't know what's going on, you know, and you can even be struggling and kind of fighting it a bit kind of like a teenager, you know, because a teenager feels that way too and rebellion.
So, point is, it's, they're two very very different things.
I've received condemnation of, of, of like getting down on yourself and get on my word if I can't figure this out. God doesn't expect you to figure out something that you don't even know what it is, let alone how to figure it out.
He fathers you into that and we have to just lean on him for him to show us those things.
And he does give us leeway to be able to kind of like treasure hunt kind of like discover and kind of like experiment, maybe create a hypothesis and step out and try to like experiment with things.
And, and that's just, that's completely different than just telling God no.
Anyway, because you're. Yeah, so I just wanted to encourage you and now that you're not in a bad place because you don't understand, as if you're it's your fault for being.
We put these words on us like for being ignorant.
No, you just don't know you're born a baby, you're not born 30.
And so God doesn't expect you to be anything different and he said hey, you know what I want to show you. I think this is fine. I think that the journey of discovery is fine.
And whatever. So he's the one who created that that way and he didn't create it a particular way to put you on that path in order to birth you into a process that condemns you in his eyes.
He actually enjoys the process of it.
And so, what we so often view as condemnation of ourselves and like I'm in the middle of a struggle, God is like, Okay, we're doing it. Yay.
It's what we're supposed to be doing.
Relax into the struggle.
Then there's an aspect in which we're agreeing with the Lord that we're going to take the light in him.
And in this process.
There's an aspect of that in which, like I said, we're coming into agreement with the fact that he says this is a good thing.
And that's part of the whole, the whole shifting interest thing is just letting it go and just kind of like okay so it's kind of like in labor, just releasing into the pain it doesn't mean that the pain and the struggle goes away.
But if you release yourself into it everything goes smoother, because you're letting your body do the normal process of the struggle.
And so it's the same thing in the spirit. So point is, this is all very normal all very natural.
So, yeah, God's not upset, because you can't figure it out he knows your desire is for it but you're in that he doesn't expect it.
you to know something that you haven't walked into. So anyway, very, very
different than what your pastor was talking about, which is where somebody
just flat out says no. And then as if we're, there's a word for it,
as if we're holding something over, as if we're holding our cooperation
over God's head. Like, let's see, Lord, you can't do this without me. He's like, no,
actually he can't. He was just saying, we just can't do that with the Lord. That,
but his phrasing, yeah, I understand why he was phrasing it the way that he is.
But if people don't hear what he was saying, then yeah, it can absolutely come
across as self-contempt. It's contemnation because we can attribute
our struggle with sin. But remember that Jesus struggled in the garden of
Gethsemane and he never sinned. He sweated, he struggled, there was strain.
But he never said no. He always was pressing into and desiring the will of God.
But he even told God that his will was that he asked for something different
than the Lord was talking to him about. And he's like, hey, if it's possible,
can we do this? However, my will is to do what you want me to do. But even Jesus
mentioned, hey, this would be really nice over here. So anyway, it's not a sin
to struggle. It's what the sin is, is whatever it is we're agreeing with,
that's not in belief with the Lord. That's just telling God, no, you're not that
good. No, you're not protecting, you know, you actually have abandoned me.
That's the sin. And God can even help us through that. And the fact that when we
are sinning, that's not always just this definitive no. And God's just like, okay,
now it's cool. You know, you and I are no longer going to do this thing together
and I'm going to get someone else to do that. He's like, okay, yeah, they're not
believing me. So I'm going to father them into believing me. It can all still be
part of the process. It's very different from just blatantly refusing to
cooperate. There's a difference in refusing to cooperate as a toddler and
refusing to cooperate as a freewill adult who has made his final decision
that no, I will not. The cost is higher than I want to pay. So anyway, I just
wanted to mention that. And then as far as Josh, I think that what is going on
is it's not the guy himself, obviously, you probably already know this and kind
of walk through it. And I'm just like reiterating, not the guy himself. It's
some aspect that you just haven't like resolved. What would that be? It's like I
had the I had the words. And then I just lost him. And some aspect of choosing
Joshua or not, or not having chosen certain aspects of Josh or of your, or
being sure of your own something in yourself. No. Anyway, sorry, I'm trying to
try to look into it and see it. And it's like, I can only see so far. Yeah. And,
and only talking to that degree makes things sound very confusing. So I'm
trying to get more clarity. But anyway, so it's not obviously the guy. It's just
there's some aspect of who it is that Josh is and what it is that you've
chosen about him to receive. And that is still maybe needing to be faced. And
until you until you choose it, well, then you can just confuse yourself. You
know, just be confused and thinking, you know, well, maybe I made the wrong
choice or whatever. And I don't I think that maybe instead of it being so much
as a question of maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe it's more of what do I
want to choose? Do I want to choose it? Because there's just an aspect of him
that maybe you have yet to choose to receive. It's just kind of like, oh,
well, it is just part of the package deal. So it's like, oh, it's allowed to
come in. But it's very different than actually intentionally choosing it. And
then until the end, the enemy has a foothold to be able to torment you with
it. As where you're thinking that you may be you're where you're taking it
something somewhere where it doesn't mean and that maybe I've made the wrong
choice. And I'm not saying that you're actually still battling that question.
You are
There you go. So I think that it's taking something and it's and it's attributing it to and it's trying to make you think that it's your that the question is something else. It's a lot more serious, a lot more scary and a lot more confusing and I don't think that that's the question.
I think the thing is, okay, you've chosen Josh.
You know, and then, and that I, you know, obviously I don't know these things but I would just imagine.
So this is not a best day at the Lord, I would just imagine that you've made the right choice, but you can't see it.
You can't see the truth of it until you get these other things resolved like certain aspects of Josh that you just have that you have to receive.
Man, I just lost the word, but that you just that you can't see the truth of it until you get these other things resolved like certain aspects of Josh that you just have that you have to receive and choose intentionally I'm going to receive that aspect about him, as opposed to, well, I tolerate it.
I give your permission.
Oh, it's allowed to come along, because it's part of the whole package deal.
There's still elements of Josh to actually intentionally choose to receive into yourself as like a good thing, or as you know as, as whatever.
And until then, you can just feel a lack of peace and you can feel torment, because of the confusion, the lack of clarity and here we go the lack of intentional decision.
That gives a lack of peace.
For instance, it's a little bit of a different situation but I'm just mentioning this just because I find it very fascinating one of my friends, one of the ladies in the rest intensive.
She was in a later rest intensive than you.
And she said that one time she was really struggling with making a decision about, about whether or not she should go somewhere. She and her and her family, she and her husband or children should go somewhere during the whole COVID thing.
And her husband was like, you know what, I think it's going to be good. I think it's going to be fine I think we should do it and she's like, I just don't have peace about it I just don't have peace I just like this and, you know, but would that make us good parents and design, and would that be exposing our children to that.
And she's just, she said actually I just thought that my husband had one instruction from the Lord, and I had another, because I had just this lack of peace and she said finally and bringing things continually before the Lord, I realized that my lack of peace was from the fact that I was not submitting myself to the leadership of my husband in faith.
That choosing that he would provide for and you know protect me and that and and basically submitting myself to allow myself to be protected and loved.
And she said that is she said as soon as I told him, okay, if that's what you believe that we should do for our family.
I am with you on that I will stand in solidarity with you on that.
And anyway, and and we'll do that and as soon as she did she got peace.
So, so she said it was fascinating that the peace wasn't a lack of the fact that God was telling her something different from her husband. It was the fact that she wasn't lining up with her husband, and she wasn't submitting to it and that resistance and that struggle
was creating a lot.
It was creating a torment, and she was attributing it to God's telling you something else, telling you something different than my husband that that can't be applied to every single situation but I just found that one really fascinating.
So, it just reminds me kind of like a good situation of like sometimes we can assume that our lack of peace is due to one thing when really it's actually due to another.
So I've been talking a lot. What are your thoughts. No, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
There are other aspects of, you know, Josh I know that you mentioned that you mentioned the gaming thing.
And I'm not asking like you have to tell me specifics I'm just talking, you know, general.
Are there things that that you that I don't know that bother you or that you feel, oh I wish it was, I wish that there was a way in which was more masculine, or I wish that he would do certain things with me, or that he would, I don't know whatever.
And, and so, seeing him in lack and not receiving what it is that he's offering, instead of receiving just who he is and what he's what he's offering.
offering like is, is that what's going on or is it something
different? I don't know. I'm just trying to feel like I feel
like it is that and then I feel like there's like a whole
different layers to it because it always comes back to like
that. I know that Josh is wonderful and I know that he's
a great husband and like I know all these things but then when
I get into this frenzy of like, I don't know what it's like.
I want him to be someone else, but I don't even know who that
is. You know, it's like I want you to be more like this, but
then when he is like that, I'm like no like that's not even
right, you know, and it's like he can't make me happy and I'm
like I am a horrible person. It's like no matter what he
does. It doesn't do to me what I want it to do.
Mm-hmm.
If that makes sense.
And then and then go ahead.
Then I went I stumbled across Chris Blackabee's that two
minute clip about following the desires of your heart.
Then I was a mess and I was like, oh my goodness.
Like I don't even know if I desire to be married.
I'm like to have children like I don't even know what I desire
anymore.
I'm like the desires of my heart is that I go back into my
youth and try and figure out what in the world was wrong
with me.
I'm like, I don't even know what I want anymore or what my
desires are, you know, and I feel like it always comes back
to when I was when I right before I started dating like it
always comes back to that time in my life and I just I'm so
tired of it.
I'm so so tired of it because I don't feel like I don't feel
like Josh and I's relationship was an expression of free will
love and desire.
I feel like it was borderline arranged marriage.
I mean we wanted to break up at least for a time and Aaron
basically put his foot down and told us that that's not really
an option.
My my goodness puts you into puts you into a commitment of
marriage and no divorce after marriage before you're even
committed.
I'm sorry.
We met when I was still living out there like my word.
We went through so many things in our relationship and I
remember going to our youth pastor Laverne, which we still
have a really good relationship with I know I need to meet
these people.
I still have invited me by the way, just FYI to go with all
of y'all in this summer.
So you do know I'm totally coming, right?
Oh my goodness.
That would be like that would be the greatest trip ever.
My word would for me too.
It's on my bucket list.
I get to go with people who actually could show me around
as opposed to being some tourists.
So anyway, I remember one time it was right before we got
engaged.
We went up there to their house and we just told him like I'm
just not at a place right now where I feel enough peace to
be in a relationship.
Like I don't there was so much trauma in our marriage.
I remember it always came back to me me talking to Josh and
then Josh feeling like I didn't love him and then I was like,
well, this is so not this is so not what I want our relationship
to be and then I forget how it all came about but I ended up
talking.
How was it?
Did I end up talking to his parents?
I was talking to my parents about it because I'm like look
I I can't I can't keep doing this vicious cycle and like do
I just break up with him?
Like I don't know what to do anymore.
And so then I think they encouraged me to talk to Aaron and
Lydia about it because you know, like in our eyes they were
like the spiritual standard, you know, so I talked to them and
I was like, look, I I'm just really I don't know what to do
anymore.
Like I kind of am just ready for a break at least, you know,
and they were like no, no, no, no, like don't do that.
Like just just start over like let's just start over in your
relationship, you know?
And so you tell Josh that you tell Josh about this like you
they've they told me I need to talk to Josh about how I feel
like I forget what what exactly was basically that I feel like
he's being too sensitive and that he he's being too selfish
like he just always takes everything I say to personally
and all that stuff.
So I need to tell him how I feel and that we are going to start
over and you know, take things slow and all that stuff and
he they were like you need to tell him about it.
Well, I was like, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.
And I was like, I was out of town that day and I didn't get
a chance to get around to telling him about it because I
wasn't sure if I was going to do it anyway.
Well, in the meantime, they assumed that I did and then go
and talk to Josh about it basically like read him out for
the way that he's handling this relationship and all that stuff
and they were like, well, we thought that carry already.
talked to you about this, you know, like, didn't she already
tell you and then he was hurt that I was in on this all behind
his back. So then we go to Laverne and Renee, and I'm like,
look, this is just every single disaster you can think of is
happening in our relationship right now. And I spent the
majority of my adolescence wanting to marry him. And now
all of a sudden, like, up until we went to Africa together, I
knew like I was supposed to marry him. And then we went to
Africa together, I was like, well, I have to get over him,
because we're going to go live together for three weeks, you
know, and I can't have this unhealthy emotional distraction
between the Lord and I. So I have to just, you know, sever
the desire, which is what I did, you know, when you're so good at
just turning off anything that you think is a threat in your
life. So then I was over him, like, we're gonna move on. And
then that's when I went back. And then I started having
feelings for this other guy, which obviously then at that
time, he did too. But then we started dating. And we ended up
then, back to this conversation with Laverne and Renee, we went
to, we went to Laverne's one day, and they just encouraged
us, like, if there's not peace there, to to not start your
marriage on a foundation. What, Eric? Is daddy downstairs? Or is
he up here? Huh? Hi, do you need me? Okay. Eric's trying to find
the jelly. So then we went and they just really encouraged us
that, you know, we marriage and dating is supposed to be dating,
especially it's supposed to be a time of enjoyment. And you're
supposed to be able to enjoy your dating relationship. And to
have to actually enjoy the aspects of a relationship and
have fun and be carefree and not, like, try to make sure that
you're getting everything right before you get married. Like,
that's not the point of dating. And they're like, they just
really would enjoy us. They, their desire for us as our youth
pastors would be to see me especially be able to enjoy the
relationship and have it be a response of love and affection,
not of, like, oh, I need to do this to be holy, you know, as
like this requirement from his parents. And so they had really
encouraged us to just take a break. And then Aaron's got
wind of this and was like, sorry, guys, like, you guys are
fine. And Josh just needs to straighten up. And you guys
will be great. They thought that I was they didn't want to lose
me because they thought I was going to fix Josh and fix, you
know, because he was always the black sheep of the family that
bought expensive cars and games. And so he was never he never, he
never met their, their standards, you know, and they
thought I was just, you know, this holy pious little girl that
was going to fix him. And so they didn't want us to break up.
Well, then I go into marriage like that. And so now I feel
like it's just as vicious cycle of Josh never being able to be
good enough for anyone. And I feel like I'm just extending
that into his marriage. Oh, I feel like a horrible life. And
so now I'm like, well, what do I desire? I mean, I feel like I'm
ruining his life and mine. And it's just all based off of this
subconscious delusion. And I feel like I don't even know what
I want anymore. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like, you know, the last
memory that I have of someone actually wanting me and having a
desire to be with me, when I was at my worst, you know, like,
right before we started dating, I was like, overweight and
depressed and was like, such a social reject. I'm like, if
anyone would have any affection for you, that's a miracle. And
the last memory that I have of that is this other guy. It
wasn't Josh, you know, and then Josh and I started a relation.
But like, well, that wasn't even genuine. And it's like, how I
mean, I want, I want to want it. You know, I want my desires to
be for the life I have now. And it's like, how do I reconcile
everything? When it wasn't even, I mean, it was our choice to get
married. But it was like, I had no idea the extent of my free
will back then. I mean, there was nothing like I had no idea
that the extent of what I could choose or wanted to choose or do
and also before I knew it, I was 18 and married to someone I
didn't even know. I just feel like I've ruined both of our
lives.
No, I don't see it that way at all. I know it feels like that.
I'm sorry. Um, you know, that sometimes I just, it's like I
could see something and then I start talking and I realized I
don't have the words yet. Like, why do I do this? Why do I start
out like this?
Yeah.
When you meet Ed, you'll understand what I'm talking about, but he, he's extremely prophetic
and he sees things and he just stops in the middle of a conversation and he'll just look
off.
He's always doing this.
He's always just looking and you just, and you just sit there and you just wait because
he's seeing something and you're trying to figure out what he's seeing and then trying
to get the English words to be able to say it.
So, um, so I'm kind of doing the same kind of a thing.
He though, on the other hand, usually refers to stuff that he's seeing and like, as like,
he sees pictures.
He also sees like stories, he's a really good storyteller and that's how he expresses a
lot of things in the prophetic is through stories.
But anyway, the point is that I just remind myself of the FPM because I'm like, I'm just
like about to start off in the distance and be silent while I try to figure out what I'm
seeing and how to articulate it.
But, um, but the thing is that, um, the, so much, so much I could say, so I know that,
that you might be confused about like, yeah, but I didn't have a sense that then of being
able and, um, and, uh, of, of being able to have a free will and to act on that free will.
So I feel that I didn't make these decisions out of my free will.
Um, and therefore, you know, oh my goodness, if I were to go back in time, well then I
might make different, what, what different decisions would I make that would affect my
life now and whatever.
So how do, how can I live successfully now if the way that I got here was from a lack
of free will instead of out of free will, you know?
The thing is that God knows, God knew where it is that you were at the time and he can
work on our behalf when we're not strong enough, again, as, as a child in him, strong enough
to know not only what's, not only what we want, but what the heck is even going on in
our situation.
And so he can guide us and he can protect us and take care of us when we don't know
yet how to.
So I, I don't, you know, know everything about your situation, you know, between you and
the Lord and the spirit and what was going on back then and whatever, but I would guess.
So this, my point in saying that is this, again, it's not a best day at the Lord, but
I have a very, very, very strong belief that just in, in myself, uh, I have a belief that,
that all of this was how to describe when I'm with you and Josh, it feels right.
It feels like this is the way that things should be.
It's I wish I knew how to describe it.
It feels wholesome.
It feels healthy.
And I'm talking about like in the spirit, it just feels it.
I don't know.
It just feels right.
I'm with a lot of married couples that do not feel right.
And y'all and y'all feel right to me in this spirit.
It feels like a, like a nice, healthy co, um, not a health, uh, what, how do I phrase
that?
A, um, a healthy cohesive whole, um, as opposed to two separate aspects that are supposed
to act whole.
Now, I'm not saying that, you know, you need to take this as gospel or anything, you know,
this is all between you and the Lord.
I just wanted to say that as, so you get some encouragement, hopefully that someone
on the outside is sensing that it feels, I don't know how to describe it.
It feels like it shouldn't be any other way.
It feels like, okay, this is perfection.
This is just kind of like, okay, everything came together and it's just the way that it
should be is how it feels.
Um, so, uh, you know, for, for that, for encouragement, I'm not saying that you take that as the word
of the Lord.
I'm saying, you know, take that as encouragement that somebody on the outside, uh, sees that
and senses that because that's not, I don't always sense that in people.
Um, but, uh, as I think that a lot of, again, those lack of peace and this torment isn't
that you've made some wrong, isn't based on the fact that you've like made a wrong decision.
It's it's based on the fact that there's aspects about yourself that just were never gotten
or never got resolved.
And it's almost like if you keep going back to the whole.
old prior to dating thing, it's like something there, um, got stunted.
It was like, there was this growth, that potential or whatever in yourself.
And it was stunted when maybe you thought, okay, this whole, this, uh, the, the dating
or the marriage or whatever would fix this thing or would answer, that's my
point, would answer specific questions that you had about yourself or you and
the Lord or where you could get peace protection provision or whatever.
And so it got stunted back there.
And it feels that this is the problem when, and that maybe you made the wrong
choice when actually it's just like, no, it's true.
You're trying to get it to answer something that it can't answer.
And it can, and you always internally go back to prior to this.
It's because that's where it got stunted.
That's where it stopped.
So to speak, um, and that's why you can kind of feel, um, I don't know all of
this confusion and it's like, it feels like I'm starting all over.
It feels like I'm going all the way back to such and such a time and whatever
is because that's where emotionally and spiritually you with the Lord in that
particular question, whatever that question is about yourself, about you
and the Lord, about whatever, where it's stopped and it's not a bad thing.
I'm just saying that's probably an explanation as to why it's, you're
always going back to that because that's where it stopped.
Um, and I don't.
And by, by me, stop it again.
I'm not trying to say anything that you would ever receive a
condemnation.
We all have those things.
A lot of this in, in us, there are things that stopped at three years old.
There are things in me that stopped at nine years old and I'm still dealing with
them and now we're having an, having a discussion last night where he was, he
was talking to me about something and I just couldn't handle it and, and I just
got frustrated with him and I'm telling him in the middle of it and I told him
in the middle of it, I said, I'm sorry, I'm frustrated.
I said, I'm sorry.
And I told him later, I said, I'm sorry that how I handled it.
I'm sorry that I misunderstood.
I'm sorry that I took what it is that you were saying through my own filter.
I said that this is why, and it goes all the way back to whatever.
So I know fully aware, I'm fully aware of what I'm doing.
And yet at the same time, I can't see it in the other way.
Even though I can see what I'm doing, I just like, how do I,
how do I see it differently?
So anyway, the thing is that we all have those places in which we, we stopped by a
certain point and we, and we just got stunted.
So the Lord wants us to go be aware of that.
And then now we can grow from that.
So it's a very usual thing.
We all have that in certain areas.
Um, but, uh, but yeah, so I think that this doesn't have anything whatsoever
to do with like marriage, et cetera.
It's that, but then as far as like all of this other stuff attributed
specifically to him, like say, for instance, you were saying that, you
know, Oh, well, I feel that he's never been good enough for anyone.
And now I feel like I'm taking that even into the marriage.
It's it's, um, so many people use people like that we, that have
been termed black sheep as people that somehow, um, how they act.
Expresses something about themselves.
And so they need to fix them for them to be okay.
And so maybe his parents or whatever, friends, them to feel like they were
good parents or good role models or, or whatever.
And, um, and then anyway, so that if there are certain questions about
that marriage with him and that Josh just can't answer, then it can
feel like he's not up to par.
And anyway, so I think that that might be an explanation.
And as far as you, uh, the thing of you talking about the, um, uh, I really
do think that there's something to the not receiving certain aspects of
them because you were talking about, uh, again, it's a very normal, it's
very normal doing relationships period, let alone romantic ones, um, that.
Um, uh, okay.
When someone wants to be feel protected, that kind of like my, my friend
talking about the whole piece thing when, and, and she and her husband's
like, Hey, I think we can do this.
No, I desire protection for my family and we're all going to be healthy.
I think it's from the Lord.
I'm feeling peace on it.
We should go.
And she was like, I don't think that we should go.
I don't think that it will be safe.
I don't think we'll be protected and whatever.
And she didn't feel peace about it.
Well, when we, uh, so this.
same thing kind of, you know, with you and Josh is Josh is trying to give you things.
And what we can do is we can attribute our sense of protection to know, if you do this,
then I'll be protected.
It's this action that will protect me.
So you need to do this, or you need to say this in order for me to feel loved.
So I want to feel loved right now.
And I need you to do this or say this, and then I'll feel loved, or I need you to do
this and say this, and then I'll feel protected or provided for or whatever.
When really what the difficult position of a of a female of a, of the feminine related
to the masculine, and here's where submission comes in.
The difficult aspect of submission is the is the fact that what we're submitting ourselves
to is being protected and provided for by whatever structure that that masculine chooses
to offer as protection and provision.
And we have to choose to receive that as our protection and provision, as opposed to because
it's what it is that they're offering of their spirit, not what they're doing, that's actually
providing for and protecting.
So when we're not receiving what they're offering, when we're not receiving, that's where their
protection and the provision is, is what they're offering of themselves, not the thing that
they do.
And so for constant, and so for it, so, but women want to control, you know, same thing
that God told Eve.
He said, your desires can be for your husband to control your husband's like, no, no, no,
you need to do this.
You need to say this, whatever, as if go back to the whole tree of the knowledge of good
and evil thing.
It's someone's performance.
It's the action.
It's the word.
It's the, whatever that has the power, it's the thing outside of them that has the power
as opposed to them themselves.
And so God, I was always trying to get us to understand.
He said, no, no, no, it's not what you do.
It's not what you say.
That's going to protect you.
It's me.
That's going to protect you.
And it's the same thing between a woman and her husband.
It's not, it's not holding him accountable to, Hey, I need you to do this or not do that
because that's because the power lies in your performance.
It's not, it needs to be receiving who it is that they are.
So if God receives us for who it is that we are, as opposed to what it is that we do.
And if the protection and provision is in him, not in what we do, we need to do the
same thing with the, with the masculine is to receive them.
Not what they do, not what they say, because it's then themselves.
That's the protection, the provision, not the thing outside of them that they use to
allow something outside in creation, to partner with them, to provide it, to express it.
All it is, is the expression.
So the things that they're saying are the things that they're doing is simply an expression,
but it's not the provision and the protection itself.
The provision of the protection is coming from them.
What they're saying or what they do is the aspect of creation that they're allowing to
partner with them to express that into the air, but that's not where the power is.
Is any of this making sense?
Yeah.
I guess like, yeah, a lot is resonating with me and making a lot of sense.
Oh my word.
I'm like, wow, that makes so much sense.
That's why it's hard for actually getting to the root of it.
Yeah.
So much sense.
Yeah.
Anyway.
And, and so the more that a woman submits to receiving the protection and provision
being provided for her by the masculine, the more that she actually will be protected and
provided for like in the spirit, et cetera, the more peace that she'll receive, whatever,
because what she's actually doing otherwise is she's rejecting her protection and provision
because she's looking, she's choosing instead actions and words that actually don't have
power, but they make her, they psychologically make her feel like she's getting it.
But it's a trick that we're playing on our own minds that that's actually the thing that's
doing it when it's actually not.
And it's hard.
It's really, really, really hard, especially in the, one of the risks to this is the fact
that sometimes we don't, we really, the thing actually follows through on, like say for
instance, your husband wants to make a particular financial.
the decision and you're just like, you know, I just don't think that that's
going to be a wise idea.
I think we're going to lose all the money and there, and the losing all
of the money means that we're not going to be provided for, or we're
not going to be protected.
And there's some times and they're like, no, no, no.
I really think we should do this.
I felt that the Lord told us to do this.
I'm like, okay, you know, I'm going to submit myself to being, to receiving.
What of themselves that they're offering to protect me and to provide for me.
I'm going to allow myself to be protected and provided for meaning that I
relinquish control of what that looks like, but I will allow myself to be
protected and provided for it.
And I don't get to, by allowing myself to do that, I don't get to micromanage.
I don't get to determine, I don't get to decide, but I allow myself to be
that puts ourselves in a very vulnerable position for it to actually not work
out and for us to go to consequences.
That's why it's risky is because there's a potential that it won't work out.
And that's the very thing we fear really will hurt us.
But that's the aspect of being vulnerable.
That's the risk.
And, but we still, but there's so much long-term speed that is
sown and having whoops is sown and having faith in someone that, um, that
even if there is a short-term, um, what was that called a short-term, uh,
consequence or whatever, um, you know, hurt or pain that's experienced the
long-term effects of a seed that's sown, not just in the spirit, but also in the
man that he was believed in and that he's continually believed in and that the
thing, the consequence isn't being held over his head, but you're still choosing
him instead of the results, meaning you're choosing him, even if you bear
results, we'll speak volumes and we'll transform a human being, let alone
all the lives moving forward.
So it did want to mention, you know, cause all of this can sound really good,
but what about the other side?
What about the risk?
You know, can it happen?
Absolutely.
So when it happens, there's still, there's still goodness that can come out of
choosing to have faith in them.
Um, even when, yeah, it really did end up the way you thought and you really did
lose all the money or you do really did all use all the, whatever, you know,
whatever decision was being made at that time, you know, or yeah, I really did
get COVID and, you know, based on their decision or, or whatever, but there's
still some long-term effects, but, um, but yeah, so as far as like what to
actually, um, do, uh, from, from this point, I mean, yeah, there's aspects
that I already mentioned, you know, about what I would recommend with Josh
about just like receiving whatever it is he's trying to offer, because it's the
way that he believes that he can best provide for and protect you whether or
not it is that's between him and the Lord.
Are you bleeding?
Oh, no, that's your fingernails.
I was seeing it on the Kleenex and I was like, oh, are you bleeding in your nose
later?
Like, oh, that's a lot of blood.
That's a lot of blood, uh, it's receiving it.
So there's that.
Um, and it doesn't mean that you don't get to have an opinion, you know, in,
in the discussions about things, but it's just as far as like, well, what do you
eventually do?
And what do you choose in your heart that you're going to do to, to, to allow
yourself to be protected and provided for, and you submit yourself as well to the
Lord, like, okay, Lord, I don't believe that his idea is actually a good one.
I don't believe that it's actually going to bear good fruit, but this is what you
tell me to do.
And I am choosing who you created him to be.
I'm choosing his spirit and who that person is.
And I am submitting myself to the protection and provision that this whole
human being, the spirit, soul, and body ends up, you know, choosing to the method
that they choose to offer of themselves to protect and provide for me.
I will submit myself to that, but in doing so Lord, because I'm choosing who it is
that you made them to be, I'm submitting myself under your protection and
provision, you know?
And so there's that, and there's also the fact that as far as like all of this other
struggle that you're, that, that you're dealing with, there's an aspect of, I
would recommend that you free yourself of, of, of this, of this struggle and be okay.
Okay.
For instance, you know how, what I talk about with judgment since, you know, to
not judge things and to, and to stop thinking.
Oh, it shouldn't be like this.
And it should be different.
That includes your struggle.
I shouldn't be struggling with this.
I shouldn't feel like this.
I should have it figured out by now.
I shouldn't be hurting whatever it is that it feels like it shouldn't be.
And to stop judging that, to stop saying it shouldn't be like this
and it should be different.
And then, and then the, and then the struggle itself will let up the pain
and the pressure of it will start to dissipate.
And then when it starts to dissipate, because here's part of what happens in
struggle, and I don't mean that.
Yeah.
Part of what happens in struggle is that whole aspect of death where we
start clamping down on something we start.
And when we start doing that, since spirit has to, since spirit is life
and life has to always move.
So in other words, spirit always has to move the more that we clamp down on
something in our struggle and we start really fighting it, there's, there's
an aspect in which we're resisting movement and we're not allowing something
to move and therefore it's going to take longer to, to resolve and to go away.
So the more that you release the struggle, the more movement that you're allowing,
and it might get worse for a time, but understand that if it ends up getting
worse for a time, not saying that it will, I'm just meant, I always like to mention
like, um, worst case scenarios, worst case scenarios that if that does happen,
people understand that people aren't surprised and think, Oh, something's wrong.
No, I mean, that, that can happen.
So even if, if, if like things get worse, it'll internally, it should feel better
because you're releasing the PR you've released the pressure of it off of yourself.
You release this, you're not struggling so much internally anymore.
You're just kind of allowing yourself to rest in the Lord.
Kind of like that guy that you had a dream about is it feels like if you stop
struggling, that it's going to get worse and that you're actually are going to die.
But what ended up happening is that when you let go and you stopped struggling and
you stopped battling this thing, thinking that it was the godly thing to do, you
stopped battling it, then it allows God.
If you stand still and allow God to fight the battle for you, or then it can, it,
what it's doing is it's neutralizing it's in that neutralizing the power of the
thing.
So everything ends up going just ending quicker.
So like, if, if it feels like, Oh, it's getting worse and worse, you know, I've
let go and now it's getting the, the situations around me are getting worse
internally.
I'm feeling better because I'm not struggling so much anymore.
You know, I don't like all of this and I'm disappointed and I'm hurt and I feel
betrayed.
And I'm just said that, that, that, that turmoil that I was in that that's
dissipated.
So that's good, but it just feels like everything got worse.
Well, because there were things that have to be gone through, but instead of going
through them, instead of them dragging out, they're, they're now going through
through all of that stuff that it needed to go through in order to get up and out.
And they're just going through it in a shorter amount of time.
So anyway, but yeah.
Yeah.
That all makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, definitely.
I know what I know how to move forward.
One thing that I did have to think of for me, like, how do I, how can I choose
Josh?
If I'm scared that it's that I don't want him, that sounds horrible.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I feel like I have so much negative emotions and not because of who Josh is,
but I feel like I have so many negative emotions inside of me off of our
relationship because of how much pain that it's caused both of us.
That it's like, when I think about our relationship and actually choosing more
of him and more of it, I'm like, do I even want that?
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Oh, like, is it just simply, does it just simply come down to choosing it
regardless of if the desire is there or even follows?
I mean, I'm sure it follows.
You're sure what?
I said, I'm sure hoping that it will follow.
I still didn't, you're sure something will follow said, how do you, you choose,
how do you choose it?
Even do you have to choose it?
Even if, even if the desires afterwards do not change.
Oh, got it.
Okay.
God.
And then I was saying, I sure hope that they do end up changing.
And it's not, I don't, it's not like I don't love my husband and that I don't
it's not like I don't love my husband and that I don't wish that I would have that
desire.
Yeah.
Yeah, and absolutely. I'll answer that. And let me.
Can I put you on pause for just a second. I'm staying with some people and they need me to move their my car from the driveway to the street.
Just a moment.
Sorry.
You're good.
Okay.
Okay, so it's interesting what we think about the desires of our heart.
We think that we think of desires as things that we can't control.
So it's just, you know, almost like something that worth the mercy of.
I don't know for sure but my opinion.
And Chris believes the same thing.
Is that what it is that we chose.
Well, that there's a way in which we partnered with the Lord to.
Before we came to earth. This is just my, his and my personal opinion and I know a lot of people that believe the same thing that we chose.
But the thing is, is that.
With together with the Lord.
How we were going to live.
Like the family that we were born into what we were going to choose to go through.
How we were going to choose to overcome an aspect of creation, whether or not.
That is true. I don't know.
I don't know.
But I do think that the desires are based. Yes.
Are based on who it is that we are in spirit.
United with the father and that there's an aspect of.
Co-creating.
Including co-creating our desires.
As opposed to desires were something that God.
Kind of.
That we have control over.
It's just something that we want or don't want or whatever.
But I believe that we can actually intentionally.
Choose our desires.
That we're not subject to them. Anything that we feel that.
Any aspect of our desire that we actually feel subject to.
I believe it's something where deep down we have.
To be able to say, okay, this is who I am.
that I am. How do I want to express that? How do I want to express this aspect of who I am? And
I don't believe that you choosing your marriage partner is choosing who you are. It's rather how
you choose that you want to express yourself. And that's an intentional free will decision,
I believe. Whether it's conscious or subconscious or unconscious, I believe that it is a decision.
And sometimes it's that we're just not, the decision is made at such a deep level
that we're not conscious of it. And therefore we think that we didn't have any hand in it and in
desiring it or whatever. And we believe it was just kind of something that just kind of came to
us. Or like I said, that we're just, we're just subject to. So my point is that I believe that
when we, that we choose our desires together with the Lord, everything is a gift from God,
everything, including faith. So God tells us to have faith and yet faith is a gift.
Which is why Calvinists believe that they have a valid reason for believing in basically fatalism
and believing that we're robots. Now, do they refer to that and use that phrase? No,
but people on the outside who look at five point Calvinists, which I used to be,
believe that, they say, well, that is a robot. That's somebody without a free will.
There's that old joke about the Calvinist who fell down the stairs.
And then he said, oh, well, since it had to happen, I'm glad it's behind me.
It's the idea that everything's been determined and we're just having to live it out.
So my point is that I believe that when we make intentional free will decisions,
that there's an aspect in how exactly it works together. I'm not sure. It's almost like,
well, what comes first, the chicken or the egg that we make a choice based on our desire,
or our desires are a result of our choice. I don't really know. I think that they're
honestly interdependent. I think that there's an aspect of our desire that births our choices,
but there's an aspect of our, by making that choice that affirms that desire.
And therefore we end up desiring it more and whatever. So the thing is that I believe that
if when you come together with the Lord and make an intentional choice for something,
like say, for instance, choosing Josh, even if you're currently with this feeling of like, well,
yeah, but what if my desire doesn't change? I believe that the reason why you're making the
choice is based off of some desire, whether it's the desire that it's, how would I put that?
That there's some aspect in which you are desiring Josh to what degree that is. I don't know,
but there's some aspect in which you were desiring to make the choice for Josh and you are made,
but then there's also more involved in that. There's an aspect of the fact that God has you
as a, as a wife in this situation, there's some aspect of yours and his relationship
that is expressing itself in the fact that you and Josh are married and you are making an intention
instead of can allowing yourself to continually being carried by the marriage and what happens.
And okay, now I'm just responding to all of these stimuli. I'm actually making an intentional choice
in the decision as a freewill agent that I choose this marriage, as opposed to just as if marriage
was, if your marriage to Josh was just this river that you fell into, and you've just been carried
by this whole time, this time you're making a freewill decision and intentionally for it, which
by the way, will greatly empower your marriage. It'll make your marriage more powerful. It'll
make your interactions more powerful, and it'll make the decisions that the two of you in the
life that the two of you built together more powerful, because you will be operating in more
authority because you're making intentional choices. So the thing is that there's some aspect
of something that you're choosing that you would be choosing and going before the Lord and say,
oh, hey, God, you, you and I co-create together.
whether you and I counsel together,
you want to know my opinion.
We're coming together to talk about my marriage with Josh.
What do I want to continue to do about this?
How do I move forward with this?
Do I choose it or not?
Lord, there are all of these things I'm concerned.
What if I, you know, what if my desires for him don't change?
You know, what if, whatever.
Lord, you know, co-counseling together,
I'm finally going to make a free will choice
and I want to hear your free will choice, Lord.
What are your thoughts on it?
And hear my thoughts on it.
And by the way, I don't believe that this is necessarily
always a one-time event that you have with the Lord
when you just sit there and counsel
and then he gives you an answer
and then you give an answer and then you make a decision.
I do believe that some of this,
as you continue living life
and as you continue meaning life the next few days
or whatever, or maybe the next few weeks,
but I would imagine that that step with you
tends to happen very fast with you and the Lord,
which is a testament not only to his gift to you,
but also just your submissiveness
and determinedness to choose him.
Anyway, so it allows things to happen in your life
very, very, very fast
for you to make a very quick turnaround.
But anyway, point is that you go counseling for,
you hear your feeling from him, his desires, his will,
his choice, and then you make yours
and then together you move forward.
And then I believe what that will do
is that I believe that your desires will reflect your choice
because I believe that in a way,
because it's your desire and your choice are interconnected,
that your desire empowers your choice
and strengthens your choice
and that your choice will strengthen your desire.
So I think that your desire will intensify
and will be empowered and will grow
because you chose.
So I don't think that it's a question
of you're choosing something fatalistic,
choosing something like choosing to submit yourself
to some fate that, okay, well,
now I'm gonna choose marriage to Josh.
And I may not desire him more than I do now
or my desires for him may not change,
but I'm gonna choose him anyway.
I don't believe that that's really what's going on
in our choices.
I believe that, and I'm saying that a lot lighter
than the way that I mean that.
I seriously, I do not believe in that.
I believe that it's actually that your desires
will intensify because you choose.
Because I believe that our desires
are so closely connected with our free will
that in order for us to desire more strongly,
we have to operate more authoritatively in our free will.
The more authoritatively you act in your free will,
the more intensely you desire.
I think that your desire will follow your choice.
So I think that you'll desire him more and whatever.
So, but also I believe that the reason
that you would choose it is because you just,
there's some desire you already have.
Yes, I'm sure it's a desire for Josh,
but I'm talking about even more intensely
because the whole point of this
isn't your marriage with Josh.
The point is you and God and what's going on.
And the fact that it is that aspect of you and God
is being expressed in a special way
in your marriage with Josh.
There's other ways in which you and your Lord
are expressing yourselves in business
or in your relationship with your dad,
your relationship with children.
But in this specific example,
there's some aspect of who you and the Lord are
that is being expressed through your marriage.
But the marriage in a manner of speaking is not the point.
The point is what it's expressing of you and the Lord.
And that is what you're choosing.
You're choosing that.
And then you're choosing, Lord, how do we express this?
But you're not.
Yeah.
And because it's coming out of the essence of who it is,
because you will all the way back to the root
and you're choosing your union with God,
which is that your identity,
because you're choosing that,
that because it has life and it has power,
that's what's gonna empower you.
or the marriage that's going to empower your desire.
That's what's going to empower you and your intimacy
and your closeness and your union with Josh.
It all has to come back to your union
and the identity of your union with the Lord.
That's the whole point of all of this.
Anyway, everything else is comparatively like a vapor,
like living in a matrix.
It's almost like living in a virtual reality.
It's like, it's not the point.
Yes, it's very special, but it's not the point.
It's the residual effect of something
that's being determined and chosen and decided on
between you and the Lord in heaven.
Who are we?
Okay, now that we know who we are, so to speak,
I mean, you're still discovering that.
You may not be able to quantify it and articulate it,
but okay, Lord, now that you and I are this thing,
how do we want to express it?
Well, we want to express it through a marriage.
Okay, well, who with?
We want to express it in a marriage
with Josh and Josh is all of these things.
He brings this package to the marriage
and it affects me like this.
And when I'm submitting myself to him,
I'm to a protection and provision,
I'm submitting myself to his unique offering
of a protection and provision.
And that is my choice.
My choice is that I will express my choice
that was made up here in this form.
Yeah, so I know all of that sounds really deep.
You know me, I always talk really deep
and I'm trying to work on making it a little more
consumable or grabbable, but anyway,
part of what this can do is it can alleviate the stress
that this is such a, that it's all about the marriage
because it's not, it's up higher.
But part of that is scary in the fact
that that's something we don't want to face
like between us and the Lord.
I mean, that's why people who say that they come to close
and to seeing the face of God,
there's darkness right in front of his face.
So like Dr. O or Joseph Sturgeon or whatever,
who say that they've been to that place,
they say it is literally the most terrifying thing
they've ever been through
because the darkness is everything about God
that they haven't believed.
Everything about God that they haven't accepted.
And it's terrifying.
And because it's every aspect about God
that they haven't received.
Same thing that I was talking about with you and Josh,
an aspect that you haven't received.
Same thing with the Lord.
And every aspect that they haven't received.
So that in a way is harder
because we do all of these things down here
because we're trying to avoid facing
the root of everything, that everything's coming from.
So it can be harder, but in a way it can be easier.
And the fact that it can relieve the pressure that,
oh, this isn't the problem anyway.
It can feel like it, but it's actually not.
So it can relieve the pressure here.
We have to be brave enough to take it up here,
but once it's dealt with up here,
then we just bring it down and it fixes all of this.
So you're not messing up Josh's life.
You haven't been like, oh my word,
I just made a horrible decision way back when.
And now I'm like bearing the consequences
and me and everybody else around me
is having to bear the consequences of my decision.
And from this point forward,
I'm just going to have to live out the consequences
of an 18 year old having made a decision
that she felt that I looked back on
and I felt like maybe I wasn't equipped to make or whatever.
And I don't believe that that's what's going on.
That's really, it can relieve all of that pressure
of like, oh, the thing is like, who are God and I right now?
And you knew that you were going to,
I believe before you, and that may not be true,
but I believe that maybe you knew
before you were ever born
that this is generally how life was going to go
and that you were going to make these kinds of decisions
and that the Lord knew it
and that this isn't a surprise,
but it's just that you're walking through it,
but you chose to walk through it.
That's just my opinion.
Most people don't believe that.
Most people don't believe
that we make these decisions before we're born.
And I didn't use to believe it, but I do now,
but I hold it very loosely.
I'm just kind of like, well, I don't ever teach on it
because I'm just like, well, I just kind of believe it,
but I hold it loosely.
I can't point to a scripture verse.
I would love a teaching
on all the things you don't teach about.
I would too.
But yeah.
I just wanted you to feel more free and encouraged.
And it's still as hard to face the Lord and all of that,
but I just wanted you to have some encouragement
and some freedom that,
I don't know that life is good and things are good
and a walk with the Lord is good.
Just because we struggle doesn't mean that it's bad
or that things are going to hell in a handbasket
or because you're safe in him
and you can't be removed from him.
And that doesn't mean that, oh, you can't not go to heaven.
It means no, currently in everything you do,
no matter what you do, you can't be separated from him.
You can't be without relationship.
So it's just like, how do you and the Lord
want to walk that out?
It's already been done.
You're already doing it.
You've never done anything else in who it is that you are.
It's your soul and your body that are coming along with it.
So continually choose who it is that you are
as opposed to how you're acting or how you're feeling
or what you're saying or whatever,
because that's not who you are.
That could be completely out of alignment with who you are
just because you're expressing a fear.
And that, again, can relieve a bit of pressure
and us feeling like we're just a mess
or that we can't seem to get it together
and we're just struggling and God's going to give up on us.
I was like, no, it's already been done.
So, you know, so yeah.
Anyway.
Well, it makes a lot more sense.
Is there any aspect that you're still kind of like
struggling with or hurting from or kind of like a little,
I mean, it still may not feel good,
but is there any aspect in which you're just like
still tormented?
I don't know that either, that maybe I need to,
maybe I can ask the Lord to help me express
in a different way or something.
No, I think literally the only thing,
and I'm okay if this is just one of those things,
like I know that not everything has to be answered,
but the only thing is still,
why do I have a desire to know what life is like
with that other man?
Like that, I just don't understand
and I really wish it would go away
because I know it's like,
I know that I like how I viewed it as so bad
and I carry so much shame about it.
And then I'm afraid of looking it in the eyes
of that it's something good
because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my mind
and go be one of those wackos
that just goes, runs away with another man.
And I'm just like, how do I reconcile with that?
Well, it's not who that,
I would submit that it's not who that man is,
it's what he symbolizes,
as something that you want for yourself,
like some needs that you have
that you feel aren't being fulfilled
and you feel that that situation
that would be provided for you
by a man being like that would fulfill.
It's almost like you feel like you've got holes
or gaps or loose ends
and you'd feel contained and whole and complete
and all of the patches patched up,
all the holes patched up by that other situation.
But yeah, I believe that it's kind of,
I believe that it's what I was talking about
reference to the fact that we obviously know
that we're supposed to receive all these things
from the Lord, we all know that.
It all sounds good and we need to remember that
and we just release expectation
of receiving it elsewhere and receiving it from the Lord
and we ask the Lord to help us rely on it for those things.
So there is that aspect,
but there's that other aspect that I was talking about.
All of those things,
I believe that you are wanting to receive from that man.
If Josh is who the Lord has provided for you that,
and I'm not saying I'm questioning that,
I'm just mentioning,
if this is who the Lord has provided for you,
then if you have that desire to receive
from that man,
you actually can receive,
desire for those needs to be fulfilled. You have that desire because God intends for them
to be fulfilled. Not kind of like, Oh yeah, well, wouldn't that be a nice thing? And that's
going to be a thorn in your side of like this empty need that I gave you so that you'll
rely on me, but it's never going to be filled, but it keeps reminding you that you need me.
You know, I think that it's the thing that you're actually, I don't think I know that
God gives us those things because he intent, because his intent was for it to be followed
through on his intent, not intent, like a wishlist. And he's like, no, it will be, and
it already is being provided for. You're just asking the Lord to show you where it's being
provided because you already have it. And then how is that provision that he received
in him, that provision of whatever that is love or security, or that you're enough acceptance,
whatever that's already being provided for in him. And we choose that. And then we ask
the Lord, Lord, would you show me how that is being expressed or manifested in my life?
In the situation, in the circumstances that you provided to me, such as in my husband,
you know, so how has, is your protection, your love, your acceptance and love and acceptance
that you want me to be affected by, to receive, et cetera. Where is that being, where are
you expressing that in my current life so that I can, I can actually choose to finally
receive it because he's offering it. You just have to receive it. He's given us everything.
We just have to receive it. So it's that kind of a thing. And I believe that again, you
submit yourself to whatever it is that Josh is offering, but do it in the Lord, not just
kind of like, okay, well, this is a human man. And so whatever he says goes, I don't
mean that because what you're wanting to actually submit yourself to is receiving these things
from the Lord, meaning that in order for Josh to give them to you from the Lord, it
has to come through Josh's spirit. That is what you're submitting yourself to, to receive
the protection, the provision, the love, the acceptance, all of these things that you think,
even if you don't know what the words are that you think that you'd find in this life
with another man, God is providing those for you through Josh, but you don't get to decide
what they look like. So if they're not looking like what you always thought they should look
like, if they were real, where does, where, you know, then Lord show me how they actually
are being given. So I can finally receive it like that. I wish I knew how to, how did the,
you know, describe that any better, but it's almost, you know, it's as if we thought something
was one color and we're always looking for that color. We're always looking for the color green.
And God says, no, no, no. That thing is in the color blue. Like, oh, really? Okay. Well, I've
never associated that with blue. That thing was, you know, that blue with whatever I've always
associated that with the opposite of what I wanted. So I was like, no, it's actually blue.
So to allow blue to be the green is hard because it there's everything in us has associated blue
with our, with our lack of safety or our lack of love or a lack of acceptance or whatever. So to
change the meaning and to choose that, if God says that it means what he says that it means,
you know, that we're going to receive it like that. So I believe that, that all of the things
that you think that your life would look like, if you were to have this other man can be found
in Josh, but it's just expressed differently and it's not a lower form. And I, okay, here's my
point. When you, when, when God reveals it to you, by the way, I probably won't reveal it to
you until you receive it. Cause that's faith. Faith without works is dead. So you choose that
if God says it's true, then it's true. If you choose that God is that, uh, you know, God is
providing for and protecting you and he's given you Josh and Josh provides for him, protects you
because that's his role. Then it's kind of a lot of, but he's being held accountable to God too.
Then you're like, okay, then I'm going to say, I don't understand that Lord. Cause this right here,
this does not look like protection and provision. But if you say that it is, I entrusting you,
this is my faith in you, not my faith in Josh, my faith in you and my faith in who it is that you
have in, in your.
spirit through Josh's spirit. If that is what you say that that is that I'm going to submit
myself to it. I'm going to choose it and to and I will choose it to the point where I
act on it. So I submit myself to it where I'm very vulnerable. Bridges are burned. It's
not one foot in. It's all the way in where I will bear the consequences Lord if it doesn't
work out. If it's actually not true. If I'm actually not being loved or if I'm not being
loved enough or if this doesn't fill the hole or if I'm he's loving me as best he can but
it doesn't fill the hole or that's what I'm risking because right now we're stepping away
from it. I'm able to kind of at least give myself a semblance that I'm being protected.
I can self-protect but Laura there's I'm releasing my self-protection now and so that's faith
your faith and you then you receive it and then when you step out in faith and you receive
it then it will be revealed to you to be the thing that God said that it was but you it
won't prove itself first. Remember how I talk about faith. There's proof there's belief
and then there's choice and you have to give up the proof and you have to choose it and
you have to act on it and it's when you do that you will effortlessly believe and now
that you've acted on it and you believe you co-create the you co-create the proof and
it's actually proven to you that oh my word that really is love or oh my word that really
is protection. Oh my word. I really am being provided for and I never recognized it but
you had to choose it in faith before it could reveal itself because mysteries have to be
received and acknowledged and honored for what it is that they are which is faith in
God, you know, that's what faith in God is before they will reveal themselves before
they will entrust themselves to you to actually be seen. So it's the same thing with other
people, you know, so point is I believe that everything that you're wanting in this other
man is found in Josh but it's actually found not only already found in him and God's providing
for you through him but I believe that it's actually richer than what it would be provided
for in the other man in a manner of speaking. I wish I knew how to describe that better
but there's a way in which you will I believe I mean and I believe when I say that I'm trying
to say that firmly not kind of like I believe and I think and I'm not really sure no what
I personally am convicted about is that you will receive it in Josh and you will not be
able to see how it could be any better than you have it. It will be that beyond it will
be on what you hoped for beyond what you believed possible because what you're actually then
being able to receive is the Lord himself and the Lord always over extends our expectations
and that but yeah, so all of this is hard if it if it's helpful at all. I really do
have to walk these things out, you know, and and now for the first time I'm actually
walking out in a romantic relationship. I've had to walk this out in other relationships,
but I'm now walking it out in a romantic relationship. And anyway, so I really do have to walk these
things out. So I am very aware of how hard it is, but it's extremely extremely powerful
and but but I do want to you know, just acknowledge that. Yeah, that's really hard. It's not easy.
So but yeah, and and then one more thing release yourself from the guilt of feeling
the way that you do and and having more and in in wanting to know what life would be like
with that other man. Release yourself of the guilt of it and you'll neutralize its
power. So you'll stop thinking about it. It'll stop being important to you. I mean, maybe
not immediately but just you know, it'll stop being important to you. It'll stop having
any kind of being able to fill any kind of like idea of like security or desire or whatever
and then just shift shift into making Josh a choice. And when you do that don't make
the choice of Josh to be hard for yourself. Release yourself into it. Meaning that you're
not just like I'm going to choose that that's exerting all of this effort and instead just
kind of like, okay, release yourself into the choice as opposed to.
I'm going to choose and that that will also make it easier to to choose because I run into that
very often where I'm always I'm surprised that it's met as the Lord's taught me about rest.
I'm always I'm surprised when I find myself telling God when I catch myself telling God,
God, it I'm just I know that you want me to make a choice, but Lord, I'm just tired.
And that would be exhausting. I'm already exhausted.
Then you're equating choice with work. And choice is not supposed to be a work,
it's supposed to be a letting go it. So you don't have to exert more efforts.
It's stopping all of the effort. Oh, that's right. So anyway, and that's when I realized
that no wonder I've been having a hard time choosing it's because I'm working at it.
Anyway, I feel like I've been talking a lot is all of it.
Yes, no, it makes so much sense. Honestly, I just feel like I don't know, I just feel like
you've been healing me in a way. I didn't realize. I didn't realize how horrible I felt.
I'm sorry. And you're welcome. And like I said, don't release yourself with the guilt,
allow yourself to not be okay. And I know that's a cliche. And people keep taking that as Oh,
then I can wallow. It's not a wallowing. When we accept it, when we allow ourselves to not be
okay, what we're doing is we're accepting ourself no matter how we feel. And then we'll and then
we'll get relief. We're giving ourselves the love we've been wanting. So give your so except if you
want other people to accept you, if you want the Lord to accept you, be the first one that accepts
yourself. I mean, God already accepts you. But my point is like, you know, if you're not feeling it,
be the first one to accept, you know, accept yourself to not don't require you to be different.
The whole not judging thing, don't require yourself to be different than what you are
in that moment. And, and you'll get over it faster, you won't, you'll stop feeling bad,
you'll stop feeling guilty, you'll stop struggling, you'll stop whatever. If your soul is allowed,
it's temper tantrum, hurt, you know, this is how I feel. And you just admit it to yourself.
I'm not saying that you have to act it out. You know, you have to act angry and you have to act
it all out. That's like just getting out energy. But I'm telling you what you just you just face
it and you face it out. You know, I'm angry, I'm whatever and you will you accept yourself like
that. You're not just you're not just kind of like, okay, well, allow you to stay there. And
I'll turn a blind eye and let me know when you're done. That's not receiving it. You have to actually
accept them like, okay, it's okay that I'm angry, I am going to let myself I'm going to I'm going to
choose that I'm okay to be angry, or I'm okay to be afraid or I'm okay to whatever. And that that's
what I'm talking about that neutralizes its power. If you say, Oh, that's okay, you're still okay.
And I accept you unconditionally being angry, just be angry. Just just be guilty. It's kind of like,
okay, now I'm done. It's like, it's like it had its temper tantrum. And it had its voice. And it's
just like, I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to somebody to know that this is not okay. Okay,
you are absolutely right. It's not okay. Okay, good. You know, if your your spirit, your spirit
needs to allow remember, the soul is kind of like a child. It's going to yap until it gets attention.
Give yourself attention, accept it without it having to change.
Don't accept your soul for its potential to be to be in line with the spirit, accept your soul
for what it is. If it's even if it never changes, and then it will finally feel safe enough to
change. But not until you accept it without ever requiring it without emotionally ever requiring
of it to ever change. And then it'll be and it'll let go. It's like, okay,
then I feel safe enough with you to be myself because you don't, or you don't. You don't accept
me on conditions. You accept me unconditionally. So accept yourself unconditionally. And that's
what I mean when I say it's okay to not be okay. Let yourself tell yourself tell your soul and
allow your soul to basically creating space for your soul to not be okay. And then I'll have it
so we'll say and then and then you and then
And you choose your spirit, because your spirit, your soul felt heard.
So anyway,
it was very, very helpful.
Thank you for your time.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You're not feeling well.
You're going through all of that because it really is a lot.
The stuff that you're going through is, you know, they're, they're big things.
Um, and so it would be very tormenting and they're very, they're age old
questions that you've asked the Lord that you've wanted relief from.
So there, they are a really big deal.
So I'm sorry.
I'm so glad that you called them, that you told me that you wanted to talk.
I was hoping that you'd feel that you could.
Yeah, no, it, it meant a lot.
Very glad.
Um, this is really random, but I wanted to remember before I have to call, um,
did you find, um, uh, like a hotel or an apartment or a place for us to stay?
Were you able to find availability?
In March?
Oh yeah.
That's not an issue yet at, at morning.
Yeah.
Um, so yeah, I'm taking care of all of that.
One of the things I wanted to ask you about though is, and Ed actually suggested
this, he said, well, would they be interested in meeting us up at
Moravian Falls for a night first?
Yes.
You remember Moravian Falls?
We have been wanting to go there.
Yes.
I thought that y'all might enjoy that.
And I thought it was a really good, a suggestion of his.
I was like, oh, that's such a good idea.
So I thought that maybe what y'all would like is, uh, so I wanted to know, um,
Moravian Falls, y'all would hit about an hour and a half before y'all get us anyway.
So we put that first on Friday night.
It's in the North part of North Carolina, as opposed to the
North part of South Carolina.
Um, anyway, we'd, um, it's in, uh, and, uh, I'm still looking though for a
place for y'all to stay up there.
And, um, and I can send y'all the information or whatever.
And, uh, cause it, there's possible that you could stay at the Morning Star Lodge.
I've got to check with, with Ed about that.
And if not, there might be a few other places, but I wanted to see first, if y'all
would like to stay there for a night.
And then, um, I, I was thinking that, uh, I was wondering if maybe y'all might like
me to, um, uh, watch the boys while y'all went up to, um, prayer and you and Josh
spent some time on prayer mountain, because you know, that's where all of
those angel visitations are, have been.
That's where Rick Joyner was.
And, and you'll feel, you'll feel the peace that's up there.
Um, in fact, people, like I told you, people have seen in the spirit say that
that area, not just prayer mountain, but that area of Moravian Falls is more
spiritually active than any other place they've seen outside of Israel.
So, um, and so I personally, you know, not aware of having seen angels and stuff,
but people, people see them all the time at there and that regardless is you feel
yeah, I feel the peace when I'm there.
And so I just thought maybe you and Josh might like to take some time
between, um, y'all and the Lord together or individually at their, um, on a prayer
mountain, I could watch the boys for y'all.
So, um, but anyway, I wanted to see if y'all would like to look at that.
I'll double check with Josh, but I know we've talked about it already,
that we would love to, um, love to go there.
We just had no idea that it would be.
On the route to stuff.
Yeah, it would.
Yeah.
And.
And then y'all could spend some time on, um, on, uh, probably like Saturday.
And then we would head out about an hour and a half, you know, to back to Charlotte,
you know, technically Fort Mill Moravian Falls and for y'all to stay a couple
of nights that were at Morningstar.
And the reason for that is, um, I'd prefer for us to spend more time in Moravian.
But the thing is, I figured that y'all might like to go to
church on Sunday at Morningstar.
It's in the same building as, as the place that y'all be staying.
But the thing is that, um, uh, that.
Uh, Ed did mention, he's like, are they sure that they would like to stay here?
He's like, you know, it's just a hotel room.
It's not very interesting.
You know, he said there's no swimming pool for the boys and there's no breakfast.
Um, and, uh, so I did want to mention that to y'all that if y'all, uh, if,
if y'all were looking for a place that maybe had more amenities, then you
might want to check some other place.
But I just thought Morningstar, just because it's like, well, it's
all the same building and whatever.
But there's nothing special about the hotel room.
The only, the only interesting thing is that it's just a, um, it's just the
convenience, but, but there there's hotel rooms.
It's like right down the street.
And so y'all let me know which y'all would like me to do,
because I haven't booked it yet,
but there's absolute availability.
So that's not an issue.
Yeah, that's not an issue at all.
I will talk to Josh and then let you know as far as like.
I didn't know if y'all wanted,
Ed mentioned there are Airbnbs in the area,
stuff like that.
So you had mentioned that y'all thought about doing Airbnb.
Like I said, it would be for a couple of nights.
So I didn't know what y'all might figure
would be more comfortable for y'all having the boys,
if you would prefer an Airbnb instead of a hotel room.
That may be just easier.
Are there restaurants close by?
Yeah, there's restaurants close by.
There are, okay.
There's a cafe in the building,
but it won't be open when y'all are there.
It might be open that Monday,
but it's not open on Sunday.
I don't think.
What is the town that you were in?
Because I'm trying to think if we would book an Airbnb,
like what area would we want to look at?
Oh, Fort Mill.
Oh, Fort Mill, okay, okay.
Yeah, another thing that you can do is just Google,
Morningstar, Administration Morningstar Fellowship Church,
and then you'll see where it is on the map,
and then you just kind of look in that area.
Yeah, Fort Mill is very small.
You're not far from Morningstar then?
So technically I'm 17 minutes,
because I have to take some back roads
to get there or whatever,
but no, I mean, it's not far, it's just 17 minutes.
It's like the distance between you and Priscilla's house.
Okay, so Fort Mill area, okay.
Yeah, I will talk to Josh and then let you know
as far as like the Airbnbs and stuff,
and even like for Moravian Falls,
had you said that you were looking into lodging for that
for if we stay there Friday night then?
Yeah, to see if maybe, because Morningstar Lodge,
I wasn't sure if they were, how open,
like if it's just Morningstar people
or if it's open to other people as well to rent rooms,
and if it is, well, the convenient thing about that
is they're on Prairie Mountain.
Like if I'm not mistaken,
I think you can walk to the top of the mountain from there.
I mean, it's not like the Rocky Mountains,
it's like a hill, but still,
you can walk there from there,
or you could just very quickly drive in just a few minutes.
So I just thought, well,
that location would be a convenient bed in, but anyway,
and I don't know if Ed and I would be staying there
or if we would be staying with our friend
who would be across the way, but she's full.
She has, yeah, she's got lots of people
staying with her that weekend,
but she did say that she had rooms for Ed and I
because she and her husband have been inviting Ed and I
to go up there and visit with them
since we haven't visited since we're engaged,
or engaged, since we're, and since we're dating.
We did, we did like right before we started dating,
and we've always just visited her as friends
and not dating, so they're like, you need to come.
So we thought we might be doing it.
So we're not sure if we'll be there or if we'll be at the,
whatever we find for y'all.
Yeah, okay, that sounds good.
I will, I will talk to Josh about it,
and you know, we are so excited about it.
Oh my goodness, it is,
it's still like really cold and windy.
Yesterday, we've started to have a few days
where it's like, you can smell spring,
and it's like getting in the forties and fifties.
I'm like, oh my goodness,
this is what it feels like to be warm again.
So I'm like, I'm so excited to be able to go somewhere warm.
Usually this is around the time when,
when everyone is like thinking that spring's coming,
and then a lot of times we'll have
like a really big snowstorm.
Correct.
No, we shall see, but today it's,
it's super windy and like 30 hours.
Wow.
So we'll go somewhere warm.
I know, I was going to say,
you're in short sleeves and shorts,
and I'm really surprised I'm in a short sleeve shirt,
because usually in this weather, I'm-
What is the weather like in South Carolina?
I mean, how cold does it get here during the winter?
Like they usually only have one snowfall,
and it's a very small snowfall,
like one, one or two inches a year.
And every, so they, so throughout the winter,
it'll go from like the thirties to the sixties,
you know, and everything in between.
So I suppose the average temperature in the,
in the winter is like low fifties, high forties as average.
It's not bad, you know, and hardly any snow.
And, and they it does get very, it's very humid in the in the summer, and very dry and
very hot in the summer, and very dry in the winter.
So interesting.
That's about all I know so far.
Yeah.
Only been here for a couple of nights.
Yeah.
Me too.
Well, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
I hope that you get some release soon and I'm sorry, good friend.
Oh, one more question.
When are y'all, when are y'all going back to Pennsylvania?
Because I'm looking, you know, after, after Florida.
Yes, it is.
Let me pull up my calendar.
The we have our Airbnb booked from the seventh to the 11th of March.
So we are going to be heading back, like the weekend of the 12th.
So we'll for sure be back.
We're hoping to be back by that Monday.
So I think it's the 14th.
So yeah, Monday, March 14, we're hoping to be back.
I mean, we're like, if it would end up that it would be really nice and sunny and we don't
feel like coming home.
I don't know, we can extend our stay but as of now, the plan is to be back by the 14th.
So, okay.
Okay, well, sounds good.
I was just wondering, you know, because I was gonna see if I could get up there in March.
We'll see.
And if so, it may not be until like the last week of March, but I'm still looking.
I don't even know if I'll be able to, but I'm, I'm trying to get that to work.
So still have it in the back of my mind.
And are you looking to stay at Barbie's?
Do you have a place to stay?
I don't have a place to stay.
I hadn't, she had offered me their place.
So that's absolutely a possibility.
So I just, I just hadn't gotten that part yet.
Well, I just have a guest room now, now that our boys are sleeping.
So if you need somewhere to stay, just let us know.
Oh, that's right.
Or if you want to stay for just a couple nights or however, our door is always open.
Thank you.
I really appreciate that.
The nursery is like cleaned out now and the boys are in the same room.
So they're enjoying the camaraderie of being with each other.
How fun.
I'm glad.
It works well because so often it doesn't, and it makes it harder on the parents when
the boys can't, you know, children can't get together.
I was worried about that, but for me, it was like, I was up with Dominic and then Eric
would wake up and want to be with me.
And so then like, I was in the wrong room and I'm like, forget it.
Like, cause then he would want to come in and be with me in the nursery, but then there
wasn't anywhere for him to be.
So I was like, well, let's just move them in together and then I can do both of them
at the same time if we have to be.
So it works out better to just consolidate them.
They're both into one area.
Yeah.
I'm glad.
And also, I hadn't gotten a chance to respond to your Marco Polo yet.
I'm sorry, but I'm glad that the Gabor Mate videos were interesting.
Oh my goodness.
Yes.
Aren't they interesting?
He is a very fascinating speaker.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Anyway, I thought some of his ideas were very, very interesting.
It's kind of like when I heard him, I was like, that makes sense.
It's like, you know, that sounds, it sounds new creation.
It sounds fatherly.
It sounds, it resonates.
Yeah.
Right.
So anyway, but just actually like, how do you actually work that out?
It's very interesting.
I've watched my brother and sister-in-law raise their child very similarly.
They hadn't heard of Gabor Mate, but they heard of like that idea, that kind of thing
from other people.
And I just loved watching how they were raising my nephew and I loved watching the results
of it in his life and how he's just, he's very peaceful.
He feels very safe and, and to just, to see the interaction and the relationship I've
just loved.
And so I've actually gotten to watch what it does to a child.
So now they're had their second child, so every child's unique.
So I'll be fascinated to watch how it goes with the second child.
You know, applying the same principles to a totally different personality, that'll be
fun.
But anyway, so I'm glad that that was, that that was good.
Yeah.
Well, I'll let you go.
It's good to see you Carrie and I'll, I'll be praying for you.
Thank you.
Thanks so much for your time.
Not only that, but giving so much of yourself for however long it's been that we've been
talking.
You're welcome.
Been really happy too.
So anyway, love you.
I love you too.
I can't wait to see you.
Okay.
See you.
Bye.