WEBVTT

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Okay.

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Eric.

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Talked his way out of the nap and it's doing quiet time instead.

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So.

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By the way.

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Am I breaking up?

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I didn't think about it. No.

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Okay.

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Well, I was just wondering if I needed to switch.

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For it to like cellular or something, but go ahead.

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No, it looks fine.

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Okay.

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Yeah. So anyway, Eric is out in the living room playing with Legos.

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So he might be in and out of here. I'm not sure, but I told him,

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I'm going to go have quiet time.

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Bedroom.

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If he needs me, he knows where to find me. So he said,

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he'll just be out there in the living room playing.

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I'm very jealous of the Lego.

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I can't wait to have a little boy.

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Penny.

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Come here.

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Come here.

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I just want her in here so that I can grab her if I need to.

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She starts camping.

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Oh,

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Good girl.

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Okay.

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Sorry.

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Thank you for.

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Letting me call you. So last minute.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I feel like it's like one of those things that has been like brewing.

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For months.

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And then all of a sudden.

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Kind of all blue part this morning.

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But I think the basis of it.

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It's just that I'm so.

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I'm scared that my faith in God is shaking because of.

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What I'm experiencing.

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And I'm like, I don't know.

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God is one way.

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And you don't change that.

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You know,

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And you, you just stay inside that box.

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And if you step outside of it, then, you know, look out.

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And, you know,

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Josh and I have very much stepped outside of that box.

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And.

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I mean, the things that we're experiencing and, you know,

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It's like.

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Who I used to think God was and who.

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Like, and whatever I'm experiencing now is so different.

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That I'm afraid. I don't even believe in God anymore.

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And.

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Like when we had went down to North Carolina.

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Like to see you the last time we went down with Sharonda.

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And.

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And she's very much like, you know,

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She gets it.

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She she's living the same life that we are, but without.

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God, like everything for her is just.

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Who's Sharonda.

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The lady that came down with us to North Carolina.

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That Loretta's friend.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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What.

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Yeah.

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Like had grown up in a Christian home and was it quote unquote, like,

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I don't want to say it's strong.

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I'm believer, but I mean,

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just like that she and her husband went to church.

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They were very serious about their faith. It was part of their life.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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She was actually okay.

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So like she was.

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Yeah, they both were.

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And her and I were talking on my home from North Carolina, you know,

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and she,

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She was like, I don't know what I'm experiencing.

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But I know that I can't talk with her.

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And label what I'm experiencing as God,

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or else she just doesn't hear it. You know?

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And so it's just so fascinating to me.

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Like she's experiencing the same thing that I am.

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But yet she said that she doesn't know that the Bible's full of nothing

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that's like completely renounced like her faith and it's like,

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else, except just Greek fables. Like she just doesn't know.

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there is no God. Like, I think she's just in the midst of it.

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And, and she doesn't want anyone to force her or convince her to

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think of anything different anyway. I've noticed. Yeah. Yeah,

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big time. So anyway, it was like, it was not very receptive

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with me as a person when we met her. Yeah, that would make

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sense. So anyway, after that, I came home, and it was the

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strangest week. And I was just all of a sudden, like, you know,

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what is it that we're experiencing? You know, like,

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all these things, like, everything I've been taught

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about God isn't valid for me anymore. That's what it feels

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like. And, like, I feel like there's so much more out there.

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And I'm so scared. Because all the things that I've experienced

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and am experiencing is just so different than what I was told

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that God is. And I told Josh, like, if what I'm experiencing

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isn't God, then I don't care. Because I love my life and what

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I'm experiencing so much. That if God is still that mean

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dictator, like I don't even care. And I'm just like, my

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word, like, where have I come to, that I'm that I love my

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life more than my faith, like, is that's what's happening to

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me. And I'm just I'm scared. I'm scared of myself, because I feel

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like all of a sudden, I'm aware of how much power I have in me

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and my belief. And all of a sudden, I'm like, I can do this

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on my own. Like, people that don't even label this as

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Christianity can do it, you know. And I feel like all of a

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sudden, you know, it's like, I don't know, was it God that got

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me here or not, but I don't even care. Like, you know, I'm afraid

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that I've just come to this place now that everyone said

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that I would. And now I'm just crazy off in the deep end, you

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know.

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Well, for one thing, it, it could be that. And so I'm just

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presenting this to you and so you can seek yourself if that if

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this is true. Could it be that it's not that you don't, it's

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not that your life matters more to you than your faith, your

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family matters more to you than your faith. But that what it is

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that you have is more important to you than who you thought God

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was. So it's not who God is. It's who you thought he was.

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Yeah. And so that scares you because it's like, well, I

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value this more than that. But is that thing? Not actually

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real? Not that God's not real. But that who this whole idea

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that you had created your mind of who it is that he is that

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you've been taught that he was and does that, that things are a

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lot happier and nicer and more wonderful than and do you like

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that more than and that's more important to you than following

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a God like this, when this God isn't even real, so to speak. I

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mean, God's real, but that this one isn't. Right? Like, could

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it be comparing it to not you learned in in meeting God and

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interacting with him who he is, but that you're actually

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comparing it to that very, that very entrenched structure and

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belief system that you've grown up with so long that as much as

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you've grown in, you know, in the Lord and everything. Think

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about how much more time and affirmations that there were

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invested in the other. So it is still really entrenched. Yeah, I

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mean, could that be some of it?

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Yeah, for sure. I'm just, I just struggle so much to come to

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grasp of how, how, you know, the God that I grew up with and

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served and like, gave my life up for but never experienced like,

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how drastically different they are, like, to, to what I'm

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experiencing now, you know, and I'm like, is this God, you know,

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but it's like, it's, it's all of a sudden, like you were married

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to someone for so long, you had no idea who it is. And then all

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of a sudden, you saw him one day, and you're like, well,

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that's not at all what I thought I was married to. Well, who am I

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married to now? You know, and it's like, all of a sudden,

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nothing makes sense. And I don't, I don't understand what's

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happening to me. Because I don't

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So you keep referring to go ahead to do with what was, but at the same time, I

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feel like I'm totally blaspheming God then because like my family still serves

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that God and like, nothing makes sense to me.

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So you say that it's things that have been in all kinds of things that have

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been happening to you or that you've been experiencing or something like

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that the past several months needs that both you and Josh have experienced.

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So, and you're saying that that's kind of like throwing you for a loop.

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Like, can you give me an idea about like what kind of things you're talking about?

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For instance, like my, my, I'm trying to figure out what the word of it, what the

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term for it is, but basically like my intuition with people that was always

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really strong to begin with has been like extremely heightened.

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And so the one day I was like, you know, I'm just going to try this out.

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I'm going to see what happens.

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This there's this lady that I've been following on Instagram.

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And like the minute that the minute I saw her, I was like, Oh my word.

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Like their relationship is so toxic.

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She was dating at the time and was engaged.

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And I was like, Oh my word.

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Like they have to break up.

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And of course I've never known this lady from Adam.

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I have no idea who she is.

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I never at all messaged her, like totally none of my business.

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And then the one day she had something on her story about resenting,

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resenting God or something.

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Anyway, all I had to say, I had just, I really had this sense.

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Like I have to message her and tell her that like, she's going through the

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exact same thing that I went through like two years ago and that everything

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will be fine, like just as long as she keeps pushing into what that is, that

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she has allowed to start breaking open.

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And in my mind, I was thinking like, I know she broke up.

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Like, I just know it.

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I know that she broke up and I w I didn't mention anything about her fiance.

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They were engaged to get married.

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I think next month, I mentioned nothing like that's none of my business.

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And I'm like, I know that she broke up.

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I just know it.

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And she messaged me back and was like, she's crying and couldn't

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believe that I knew all these things.

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And then she said, I literally just broke up with my boyfriend two days

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ago or my fiance two days ago.

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And so it's like things like that.

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And then there was an other time too, where I just knew something.

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And I'm like, I don't know if this is God or not.

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Like, I just know things and then I act on it and they're true.

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And then I'm like, well, all of a sudden I hold all this power

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inside of me and knowledge.

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And I'm like, what kind of crazy witch am I becoming now?

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Like, that's what I'm afraid of because I feel like the more I'm like, well, I

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don't know if this is right or not.

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I'm just going to try and see what happens.

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Then it works.

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And then I'm afraid that if the basis that I'm doing all these things on isn't

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faith or isn't planted in God and all these things, well then like, do I

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even believe in God anymore?

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That's what gets inside of my head.

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Yeah.

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Does that make sense?

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Yeah.

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So, I mean, you know, that what it is that you are, are knowing about people

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and stuff like that is because, you know, you, that you have, you're very

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sensitive to the spirit and there, and there are just things that you just know

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in the spirit, because obviously God exists for one with them and he knows

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all things and they're so he's, he's showing you things you just, and, and

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then therefore that's how you know.

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So, um, I understand.

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So if we get our minds off of that and we think, oh, I can just know all of this

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on my own, well then it, I mean, that is how people like, there are even people

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in like a mystic community, a lot of the people, you know, that I may have

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mentioned names to y'all and stuff like that, that, that I don't, um, really

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have a whole lot of connection with anymore.

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And I don't follow anymore because they are, they're following the same thing

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that you're talking about, that's rising up within you, that has you concerned

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this idea of like, oh, I can use this.

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And they're putting the label of God on it and it, you know, which

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condones it in their mind.

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And then they're going and doing what they want to do, feeling like that

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because they have access to all of this possibility, oops, I can do this.

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I can, I know these things.

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What do I need God for?

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Not that they're thinking, what do I need God for?

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You know, because again, there's still, oh, I'm following God.

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This is what God intended and what God planned, but there's, there's.

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um there seems to be a disconnect and a lack of a lack of connection between

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so that they're not relying on God so much and they're taking the the benefits

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of being connected with God and then using them it's like the prodigal son you know asking for

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00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:31.120
his inheritance but then he takes it and leaves he still had it so it's not like oh well once you

243
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:37.040
want someone leaves well then they don't have it anymore no I mean God sent him off with that he's

244
00:15:37.040 --> 00:15:42.480
like okay you know I promised you this so here you go but you do know that when you're not connected

245
00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:51.520
with me with me you have it for infinity but if you leave then it runs out it also means that

246
00:15:51.520 --> 00:15:57.920
there's no there's no spiritual life in it that that because non-believers can do what you're

247
00:15:57.920 --> 00:16:05.120
talking about non-believers can do what you're doing it but if we're can if we're not drawing

248
00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:11.920
from and operating in those ways by spirit and we're then it won't have life in it and it'll

249
00:16:11.920 --> 00:16:17.760
bring forth to bring forth death and destruction even though all of the the results that come from

250
00:16:17.760 --> 00:16:26.400
it sound good but it look good you know there's healings people like Joe Dispenza you know for

251
00:16:26.400 --> 00:16:33.360
goodness sakes you know he has these huge conferences that of people where he's teaching

252
00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:39.440
them to heal each other they're healing conferences and these are non-believers

253
00:16:40.400 --> 00:16:45.200
so this stuff is accessible to even non-believers why because

254
00:16:48.400 --> 00:16:56.240
so the thing is that yeah what you're talking about is actually able to be operated in outside

255
00:16:56.240 --> 00:17:02.720
of God but it doesn't have life in it so so I say this to encourage you I know that some of

256
00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:09.200
this might sound I'm fully aware I'm just being honest with you I'm fully aware that this might

257
00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:15.680
actually sound discouraging to you oh my word this is exactly what I was afraid of you know but

258
00:17:15.680 --> 00:17:24.319
it's but this is actually um uh I'm saying I think of it and I'm approaching it from a very

259
00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:33.040
encouraged perspective in the fact that okay you can operate in these things with God or without

260
00:17:33.040 --> 00:17:38.800
him and without him it leads to destruction it leads to death it's accessible still to all those

261
00:17:38.800 --> 00:17:45.600
other people but it doesn't have the eternal life in it to actually bring heaven into earth

262
00:17:45.600 --> 00:17:50.320
but when you operate in it in God in your relationship with God through the spirit it

263
00:17:50.320 --> 00:17:56.000
brings life to someone from the outside it looks like you're doing the same thing this person's

264
00:17:56.000 --> 00:18:00.000
doing the same thing as this person this person knows things and this person knows things and

265
00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:05.840
things happen when this person says the things that they know and things happen when this when

266
00:18:05.840 --> 00:18:11.680
this person says the things that they know but in the spirit one is bringing forth death and the

267
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:16.640
other is bringing forth life you know one is leading to nothing but destruction it's leading

268
00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:22.080
from separate to separation from God is leading away from God and one is is leading you know

269
00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:28.880
and is being invested in and has eternal value you know and things are actually shifting in a

270
00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:34.880
very powerful and major way in the spirit you know so it is so I say all that to say

271
00:18:35.600 --> 00:18:44.000
that you experiencing what you're experiencing is in no way proving that God doesn't exist

272
00:18:45.120 --> 00:18:53.280
you can it's actually you have it because God exists but people can operate in it with or without

273
00:18:53.280 --> 00:19:01.280
that's their choice yeah so um so anyway I mean I'm I mean anyway does that make sense

274
00:19:01.280 --> 00:19:08.320
yeah that makes sense I think I think I'm just so scared because I don't know how to

275
00:19:09.360 --> 00:19:15.600
I feel like I don't know how to experience him anymore because like for so long you know

276
00:19:15.600 --> 00:19:19.920
and after the rest intensive it was just so much all the time and it was great

277
00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:26.800
and then it was like this call to something so much just so much so much of what him

278
00:19:27.840 --> 00:19:32.960
you know like you know like how you say when you start off there's so many interactions so

279
00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:36.640
many confirmations because it's like the Lord wants to encourage you in the way you know and

280
00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:41.600
I was like this is great it's never gonna run out you know and then all of a sudden

281
00:19:41.600 --> 00:19:53.360
all of a sudden it dries up and I feel like he just somehow vanished and I feel like I still have

282
00:19:53.360 --> 00:19:59.840
him in me but I can't see him out of me or maybe it's

283
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:01.800
the other way around, I don't know.

284
00:20:04.080 --> 00:20:05.960
But I feel like in my dreams,

285
00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:07.960
I'm having all of these dreams

286
00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:10.480
of me raising dead people to life

287
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:13.640
and I'm seeing angels and then I'm like,

288
00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:16.840
but I think I've been there.

289
00:20:16.840 --> 00:20:21.840
And I just, I feel like it's this call

290
00:20:22.280 --> 00:20:26.520
to like experiencing it supernaturally

291
00:20:26.520 --> 00:20:27.520
and I don't know how.

292
00:20:27.520 --> 00:20:32.520
I don't know how without being a crazy new ager

293
00:20:35.040 --> 00:20:37.160
and like, I know that they have,

294
00:20:38.080 --> 00:20:39.520
they've accessed something

295
00:20:39.520 --> 00:20:42.880
that I think God intended us to access,

296
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:45.640
but I don't know of anyone who's ever done it.

297
00:20:45.640 --> 00:20:47.440
And so I just feel stuck.

298
00:20:48.840 --> 00:20:52.000
I feel so stuck because I know,

299
00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:56.280
I know something is there for me spiritually,

300
00:20:56.280 --> 00:20:58.160
like even more so than just, you know,

301
00:20:58.160 --> 00:20:59.240
in the physical world.

302
00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:02.960
Like I've seen the effects of things

303
00:21:02.960 --> 00:21:05.280
when I speak things into spirit

304
00:21:05.280 --> 00:21:06.920
or when I just don't even have to speak it,

305
00:21:06.920 --> 00:21:09.640
I just intend it and it happens.

306
00:21:11.080 --> 00:21:12.160
But then I don't,

307
00:21:13.040 --> 00:21:16.240
I can't figure out how to experience God that way.

308
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:20.960
And it's frustrating me because I feel like

309
00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:25.720
I experience all the effects of him supernaturally.

310
00:21:26.640 --> 00:21:28.400
You know, but then it's like,

311
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.240
actually him, I can't seem to get a hold of.

312
00:21:33.040 --> 00:21:35.000
And I don't know, I don't know.

313
00:21:36.320 --> 00:21:38.200
I don't even know if that's possible.

314
00:21:40.160 --> 00:21:41.000
Yeah.

315
00:21:42.440 --> 00:21:44.680
Well, the fact that, well,

316
00:21:46.120 --> 00:21:46.960
multiple things,

317
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:49.360
but one of them that you desire it so much

318
00:21:49.360 --> 00:21:53.400
is indicative of the fact that it does exist

319
00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:55.040
and it is possible.

320
00:21:55.040 --> 00:21:57.480
So that that's what it is that God intends.

321
00:21:57.480 --> 00:22:02.480
Now, imagine he is the most precious thing

322
00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:05.080
available to us.

323
00:22:05.080 --> 00:22:08.080
And I'm trying to figure out how to word this

324
00:22:08.080 --> 00:22:11.880
so it sounds encouraging and not discouraging,

325
00:22:11.880 --> 00:22:16.880
but therefore the things that are the most precious

326
00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:22.480
are the things that aren't the most easily accessible.

327
00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:26.280
And I don't mean, and meaning like, you know,

328
00:22:28.040 --> 00:22:29.840
like in the world, what people do

329
00:22:29.840 --> 00:22:32.040
is they work hard for those things.

330
00:22:32.040 --> 00:22:33.680
They talk about the fact that, hey,

331
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:35.400
you have to work harder for the things

332
00:22:35.400 --> 00:22:36.360
that mean the most to you.

333
00:22:36.360 --> 00:22:38.320
The most, and the things that mean the most to you

334
00:22:38.320 --> 00:22:40.360
are the things that you work the hardest for, you know,

335
00:22:40.360 --> 00:22:41.920
that kind of a principle.

336
00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:43.680
Well, it's not that way in the kingdom.

337
00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:46.000
And the fact that we don't have to strive

338
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:47.680
for the Lord or anything,

339
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:50.400
but remember that it says that he shrouds himself

340
00:22:50.520 --> 00:22:53.440
in mystery and that there's treasures

341
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:58.200
that are found in the darkness, you know, mystery.

342
00:22:58.200 --> 00:22:59.880
And, you know, it says that in the Bible,

343
00:22:59.880 --> 00:23:02.760
it says the treasures that are found in the darkness

344
00:23:02.760 --> 00:23:04.080
and that's where God is.

345
00:23:04.080 --> 00:23:08.200
So him, so it's just, it's not that he's saying,

346
00:23:08.200 --> 00:23:11.480
hey, look, you know, I'm the most important thing

347
00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:15.120
and therefore I'm going to make myself the hardest to get.

348
00:23:15.120 --> 00:23:19.040
It's not that, it's just that it's the very nature

349
00:23:19.040 --> 00:23:23.080
and principle of the kingdom and of who he is

350
00:23:23.080 --> 00:23:28.080
that we, that he being the most precious thing

351
00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:32.960
is something that we really have to press into,

352
00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:37.960
not with striving, but just, we just, we pursue

353
00:23:39.400 --> 00:23:41.280
and we pursue him as a being,

354
00:23:41.280 --> 00:23:44.040
not pursue the effects of him, et cetera.

355
00:23:44.040 --> 00:23:47.120
But all of those effects of him, et cetera,

356
00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:52.080
are things that are supposed to encourage us to draw near,

357
00:23:52.080 --> 00:23:55.440
to go further, to go deeper, et cetera.

358
00:23:56.720 --> 00:24:01.720
So I don't mean any of that to sound like

359
00:24:03.520 --> 00:24:08.520
God is high self and making, is playing hard to get

360
00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:12.920
and saying, well, no, you've got to work really hard for me

361
00:24:12.920 --> 00:24:15.200
because I'm the most important thing.

362
00:24:15.200 --> 00:24:17.040
I don't mean it like that.

363
00:24:17.960 --> 00:24:19.840
But it's just kind of like the nature of something

364
00:24:19.840 --> 00:24:23.080
that's the most precious is the thing that's the most deep,

365
00:24:23.080 --> 00:24:25.920
it's the deepest, it's, you know, whatever.

366
00:24:27.360 --> 00:24:30.520
But, you know, you can ask God for all of those things,

367
00:24:30.520 --> 00:24:33.680
pray out to the Lord about it and say, you know,

368
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:38.680
Lord, I want to know you, you know, not the effects of you

369
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:43.480
or the, you know, the results and the expressions

370
00:24:43.480 --> 00:24:44.320
and all of that.

371
00:24:44.320 --> 00:24:48.960
But just, I want to be able to touch and experience you.

372
00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:54.040
And so I've had times where I've been able to,

373
00:24:54.040 --> 00:24:56.640
and you've had times where you've been able to,

374
00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:00.200
but it hurts when there are other times where we want.

375
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:05.000
and we can't seem to get it, we can't seem to connect.

376
00:25:05.360 --> 00:25:08.080
And sorry, let me plug in my phone,

377
00:25:08.080 --> 00:25:11.160
make sure my phone doesn't die.

378
00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:12.000
Just a second.

379
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:20.640
And what was I saying about all of that?

380
00:25:20.640 --> 00:25:23.200
Oh, anyway, so, but there are times where, you know,

381
00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:26.360
I just really want to and experiencing more than I am.

382
00:25:26.360 --> 00:25:31.360
So what I have to do, one second, is I'll do,

383
00:25:34.120 --> 00:25:37.340
oh yeah, sorry, I need to just make sure

384
00:25:37.340 --> 00:25:39.440
that my package is not getting rained on.

385
00:25:40.520 --> 00:25:41.360
Good job, Eric.

386
00:25:43.560 --> 00:25:44.760
Oh, okay, great.

387
00:25:46.360 --> 00:25:47.200
Okay, we're all good.

388
00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:48.760
Eric, I just wanted to make sure

389
00:25:48.760 --> 00:25:50.720
that that's not getting all wet, okay?

390
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:53.800
I want to get that food out of it.

391
00:25:53.800 --> 00:25:54.640
Huh?

392
00:25:54.640 --> 00:25:56.220
I want to get that food.

393
00:25:56.220 --> 00:25:58.100
Oh, well, I'll get it later, okay?

394
00:25:58.100 --> 00:25:59.340
Yes, I will get it later.

395
00:25:59.340 --> 00:26:01.300
You keep building your stuff, okay?

396
00:26:01.300 --> 00:26:02.460
Take advantage of this time

397
00:26:02.460 --> 00:26:04.660
that Dominic's not getting your food, okay?

398
00:26:07.100 --> 00:26:08.620
Okay, we're good, sorry.

399
00:26:11.860 --> 00:26:14.020
That's a good thing to come throw in there.

400
00:26:15.020 --> 00:26:17.620
Take advantage of this time, right, Dominic's not.

401
00:26:18.860 --> 00:26:20.820
Getting his fingers in what you're doing.

402
00:26:21.820 --> 00:26:24.780
But anyway, so do you remember,

403
00:26:24.780 --> 00:26:27.980
so in those times I have to do,

404
00:26:29.360 --> 00:26:33.260
I just have to choose by faith

405
00:26:33.260 --> 00:26:35.300
that he is who he says that he is,

406
00:26:35.300 --> 00:26:39.300
that he is there, that he is who he says that he is,

407
00:26:41.740 --> 00:26:44.380
just what he says that he is, et cetera.

408
00:26:44.380 --> 00:26:47.900
And I've got no evidence.

409
00:26:47.900 --> 00:26:50.860
My feelings don't feel like it.

410
00:26:50.860 --> 00:26:52.780
Logically, I can't figure it out.

411
00:26:52.780 --> 00:26:54.820
Logically, it doesn't seem to make sense.

412
00:26:54.820 --> 00:26:56.780
And yet he said.

413
00:26:56.780 --> 00:27:01.340
So there are times where that whole process is easier,

414
00:27:01.340 --> 00:27:03.980
partly because we're feeling him,

415
00:27:03.980 --> 00:27:05.460
or as soon as we do that,

416
00:27:05.460 --> 00:27:07.820
well, then we get some kind of a result out of it.

417
00:27:07.820 --> 00:27:09.020
We get some kind of a proof,

418
00:27:09.020 --> 00:27:10.500
some kind of an evidence that kind of like

419
00:27:10.500 --> 00:27:12.660
follows up close behind that gives us encouragement,

420
00:27:12.660 --> 00:27:13.700
et cetera.

421
00:27:13.700 --> 00:27:16.180
But I mean, this is why God has to talk about faith

422
00:27:16.180 --> 00:27:17.020
the way that he does,

423
00:27:17.020 --> 00:27:20.300
is it's like when we're in the situation that you're in,

424
00:27:20.300 --> 00:27:22.220
who do we say that he is?

425
00:27:22.220 --> 00:27:23.900
When there's nothing,

426
00:27:23.900 --> 00:27:26.860
I mean, there's no feelings and a logic,

427
00:27:26.860 --> 00:27:28.820
meaning like there's nothing in our feelings

428
00:27:28.820 --> 00:27:32.060
that makes us, that convinces us that it's true.

429
00:27:32.900 --> 00:27:35.580
In fact, sometimes we're flat out very hurt

430
00:27:35.580 --> 00:27:38.020
and we're struggling with resentment against the Lord,

431
00:27:38.020 --> 00:27:40.860
et cetera, or we're mad at him or whatever.

432
00:27:41.780 --> 00:27:44.540
And then logically, we can't figure out,

433
00:27:44.540 --> 00:27:47.180
logically, it doesn't make sense, but it's true.

434
00:27:47.180 --> 00:27:52.180
So you remember when I was in a hotel room in Venice,

435
00:27:52.220 --> 00:27:55.300
and I couldn't check out of my hotel room

436
00:27:55.300 --> 00:27:56.620
because I had no money.

437
00:27:56.620 --> 00:28:01.220
And I just lay there crying,

438
00:28:01.220 --> 00:28:05.060
and I'm just like, Lord, I don't understand what's wrong.

439
00:28:05.060 --> 00:28:07.100
Everything was going great.

440
00:28:07.100 --> 00:28:10.300
You and I have been living this life together for,

441
00:28:10.300 --> 00:28:12.580
I don't know, two year, a year and a half,

442
00:28:12.580 --> 00:28:13.900
maybe it was a year and a half.

443
00:28:13.900 --> 00:28:17.500
And then I had been living by faith for,

444
00:28:17.500 --> 00:28:19.580
I don't know how long by that point,

445
00:28:19.580 --> 00:28:21.060
maybe a year and a half,

446
00:28:21.100 --> 00:28:23.020
maybe two years by that point, anyway.

447
00:28:23.020 --> 00:28:28.020
Thing is, I said, you know, Lord, did something break?

448
00:28:29.500 --> 00:28:32.660
Felt like I dropped something and it broke.

449
00:28:34.460 --> 00:28:36.420
You know, what's going on?

450
00:28:36.420 --> 00:28:38.540
And that's when he asked me, he said,

451
00:28:38.540 --> 00:28:40.820
Ashley, who do you say that I am?

452
00:28:40.820 --> 00:28:44.620
Don't repeat to me who I've told you that I am.

453
00:28:44.620 --> 00:28:46.660
Don't repeat to me what the Bible says.

454
00:28:46.660 --> 00:28:49.340
Don't repeat to me what you should say.

455
00:28:49.380 --> 00:28:52.820
Who do you choose me to be?

456
00:28:52.820 --> 00:28:56.660
And I'm telling you, this is who I declare that I am.

457
00:28:56.660 --> 00:29:00.180
Is that the thing that you decide to choose

458
00:29:00.180 --> 00:29:04.220
that I am to you, like as your reality?

459
00:29:04.220 --> 00:29:08.580
So he wants to be chosen at such a deep level.

460
00:29:08.580 --> 00:29:10.460
And that's how we get to experience them.

461
00:29:10.460 --> 00:29:13.300
That's how we get to connect with his being

462
00:29:13.300 --> 00:29:15.780
is when we choose him,

463
00:29:15.780 --> 00:29:17.900
when there's like nothing except the fact

464
00:29:17.940 --> 00:29:19.540
that he said that he is,

465
00:29:19.540 --> 00:29:21.940
it's nothing to the fact that we choose that he is

466
00:29:21.940 --> 00:29:26.340
who he said that he was.

467
00:29:26.340 --> 00:29:30.340
And we actually, because like I said,

468
00:29:30.340 --> 00:29:34.340
we don't have any evidence to back it up.

469
00:29:34.340 --> 00:29:37.100
All of the things that we used to use as evidence

470
00:29:37.100 --> 00:29:39.180
or used to kind of give us a bit of a bolstering

471
00:29:39.180 --> 00:29:42.140
of our faith is being attacked

472
00:29:42.140 --> 00:29:45.220
or is just felt like it was just all washed away,

473
00:29:45.220 --> 00:29:46.940
you know, or whatever.

474
00:29:46.940 --> 00:29:51.940
So, I mean, sorry, do you need to take care of something?

475
00:29:52.220 --> 00:29:53.500
Go out and have quiet time

476
00:29:53.500 --> 00:29:55.100
or you need to take a nap, okay?

477
00:29:56.380 --> 00:29:57.220
Okay.

478
00:29:57.220 --> 00:29:58.060
He's calling it.

479
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.520
I don't blame him.

480
00:30:01.520 --> 00:30:03.360
It's like, oh, I'm going to take a nap.

481
00:30:03.360 --> 00:30:04.600
I'll go find something to do.

482
00:30:04.600 --> 00:30:09.600
So anyway, I mean, so that's really what,

483
00:30:10.000 --> 00:30:12.360
what we're called to do in these,

484
00:30:12.360 --> 00:30:14.260
in these times, in these moments,

485
00:30:14.260 --> 00:30:19.260
is that there's just no easy way around it.

486
00:30:20.800 --> 00:30:24.880
We have to just make the decision for ourselves

487
00:30:24.880 --> 00:30:29.400
of who we choose God to be.

488
00:30:31.000 --> 00:30:36.000
And anyway, it's, it's extremely,

489
00:30:36.320 --> 00:30:39.520
extremely, extremely hard.

490
00:30:39.520 --> 00:30:42.600
Meaning it's not, it's not complicated,

491
00:30:42.600 --> 00:30:45.160
but it is very hard to do.

492
00:30:45.160 --> 00:30:50.160
And, but the, it's in the sense

493
00:30:53.800 --> 00:30:55.800
that literally everything changes

494
00:30:55.800 --> 00:30:57.960
and it may not be immediate.

495
00:30:57.960 --> 00:31:00.400
For instance, mine wasn't immediate,

496
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:03.320
but he did begin a journey immediately

497
00:31:03.320 --> 00:31:05.120
to begin to heal me.

498
00:31:06.520 --> 00:31:09.760
And I went through some more struggles after that.

499
00:31:09.760 --> 00:31:14.120
And, and, but by that time,

500
00:31:14.120 --> 00:31:16.240
and I remember because what happened is,

501
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:18.080
and I'm just giving you this example.

502
00:31:19.600 --> 00:31:22.120
Well, it's kind of like, it's not that everything works out.

503
00:31:22.120 --> 00:31:23.240
It's not that every,

504
00:31:23.240 --> 00:31:24.760
everybody else's situation looks like this.

505
00:31:24.760 --> 00:31:25.840
I'm just giving you an example,

506
00:31:25.880 --> 00:31:29.400
but I lived through this particular example.

507
00:31:29.400 --> 00:31:32.120
When I was in Venice and I made that choice,

508
00:31:32.120 --> 00:31:34.840
what ended up happening is I still, I still struggled,

509
00:31:34.840 --> 00:31:36.280
but I continued to make the choice.

510
00:31:36.280 --> 00:31:37.920
I'm like, no, I know God, this is,

511
00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:41.720
I'm still battling the external experience.

512
00:31:41.720 --> 00:31:44.440
I'm still struggling with,

513
00:31:47.920 --> 00:31:51.560
with my, with having to continue to make the choice

514
00:31:51.560 --> 00:31:54.360
because it's not like it's just come easy,

515
00:31:54.360 --> 00:31:58.400
but, and I had to do that for a while,

516
00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:00.000
but what helped me is the fact

517
00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:02.440
that I'd already made the choice.

518
00:32:02.440 --> 00:32:04.400
I made the decision.

519
00:32:04.400 --> 00:32:08.680
I made the choice and then I just had to,

520
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:10.960
and then I just would continue to remind myself,

521
00:32:10.960 --> 00:32:12.880
well, I've already made it.

522
00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:15.440
So I'm no longer, so even though I'm still struggling,

523
00:32:15.440 --> 00:32:17.160
just like I was before I made the choice,

524
00:32:17.160 --> 00:32:19.400
just like, even though I'm still struggling,

525
00:32:19.400 --> 00:32:21.680
this time I've already made the choice.

526
00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:23.240
I've already decided what I'm going to do.

527
00:32:23.240 --> 00:32:25.600
I've already decided who he is,

528
00:32:25.600 --> 00:32:28.280
not who I wish he were, not who I know,

529
00:32:28.280 --> 00:32:32.080
not who I choose to,

530
00:32:32.080 --> 00:32:35.400
not who I choose that God,

531
00:32:35.400 --> 00:32:37.360
that I believe that God should be,

532
00:32:37.360 --> 00:32:39.160
or that I should believe that God is,

533
00:32:39.160 --> 00:32:43.600
or no, no, no, I choose that this is who he is

534
00:32:43.600 --> 00:32:45.200
in reality, in my life.

535
00:32:45.200 --> 00:32:50.200
I actually claim it and make it so, so to speak.

536
00:32:50.360 --> 00:32:51.680
And then God will just show up like that

537
00:32:51.720 --> 00:32:55.400
because he said that he was that way first

538
00:32:55.400 --> 00:32:56.240
before he was that way.

539
00:32:56.240 --> 00:33:00.800
So anyway, so even though I still had to go

540
00:33:00.800 --> 00:33:03.280
through some hard things and like,

541
00:33:03.280 --> 00:33:04.400
actually have to walk it out,

542
00:33:04.400 --> 00:33:05.440
I'd already made the choice.

543
00:33:05.440 --> 00:33:08.280
It was easier to continue to refer back to it

544
00:33:08.280 --> 00:33:09.120
and claim it.

545
00:33:09.120 --> 00:33:10.400
It's like, well, I've already done it.

546
00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:12.400
It's not like I'm now in this situation,

547
00:33:12.400 --> 00:33:15.480
you know, the next day and I'm still struggling

548
00:33:15.480 --> 00:33:17.280
and I'm in the same situation that I was,

549
00:33:17.280 --> 00:33:18.800
you know, the day before.

550
00:33:18.800 --> 00:33:20.880
I'm really not because I've already made the decision.

551
00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:22.800
I'm no longer being faced with having

552
00:33:22.800 --> 00:33:24.600
to make the decision again.

553
00:33:24.600 --> 00:33:27.680
I just need to remember that I myself know

554
00:33:27.680 --> 00:33:30.000
I've already made the decision, so here I am.

555
00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:31.800
And here we, and we keep going.

556
00:33:31.800 --> 00:33:34.720
And I continue to choose that this is true.

557
00:33:34.720 --> 00:33:39.680
Then eventually I got to a place where I went

558
00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:41.200
to just try to like heal.

559
00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:43.360
And the Lord, you know, a lot of time,

560
00:33:43.360 --> 00:33:44.600
just kind of like talking to me.

561
00:33:44.600 --> 00:33:47.320
And while I say that, I talked more to him

562
00:33:47.320 --> 00:33:49.640
than I felt him, but I started to feel that,

563
00:33:49.640 --> 00:33:51.320
okay, he does see me.

564
00:33:51.320 --> 00:33:54.080
I'm not alone, even though I did,

565
00:33:54.080 --> 00:33:56.160
I was going through a lot of pain.

566
00:33:56.160 --> 00:33:57.800
Then I went down to Naples.

567
00:33:57.800 --> 00:34:00.640
And in Naples, the bottom fell out of everything again.

568
00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:02.120
And I had no money.

569
00:34:02.120 --> 00:34:04.000
I thought that things were going to come through.

570
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:05.480
They didn't.

571
00:34:05.480 --> 00:34:08.960
And so I found a week after the first incident,

572
00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:11.560
after a week after Venice, at least,

573
00:34:11.560 --> 00:34:13.080
I don't think it was longer than that,

574
00:34:13.080 --> 00:34:14.520
but it might've been two weeks.

575
00:34:14.520 --> 00:34:17.719
But anyway, a week or two afterwards

576
00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:20.159
in the same situation again.

577
00:34:20.159 --> 00:34:23.239
Lord, you know, I already made this choice.

578
00:34:23.239 --> 00:34:27.880
So I expected that my outside circumstances would change,

579
00:34:27.880 --> 00:34:29.960
that you would come in, that you would free yourself

580
00:34:29.960 --> 00:34:31.040
to express yourself.

581
00:34:31.040 --> 00:34:32.400
And that I wouldn't find myself

582
00:34:32.400 --> 00:34:34.719
in the same physical situation again.

583
00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:36.880
God's like, that's not how that works.

584
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:39.040
And so, and so I was like, but no,

585
00:34:39.040 --> 00:34:40.159
I've already made the choice.

586
00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:41.880
Lord, no matter what happens to me,

587
00:34:41.880 --> 00:34:46.880
no matter how, no matter what I have to do in order to,

588
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.840
you know, because of the physical situation

589
00:34:48.840 --> 00:34:50.679
I'm in, I've no money.

590
00:34:50.679 --> 00:34:52.120
No matter what I have to do,

591
00:34:53.239 --> 00:34:58.240
no matter if it like challenges my faith in you,

592
00:34:59.000 --> 00:35:00.080
I still choose.

593
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.800
So choose that you are protector and your provider and you are that for me

594
00:35:05.800 --> 00:35:09.120
right now. That you were literally doing it for me right now. My outside

595
00:35:09.120 --> 00:35:15.760
circumstances don't determine or dictate to me whether or not that's what you're

596
00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:20.240
doing. And so I made the decision and then I came back to the States and

597
00:35:20.240 --> 00:35:26.440
everything changed. It was so hard to come back. The circumstances under which I

598
00:35:26.440 --> 00:35:33.120
came back to the States were so hard, so hard. But I'm telling you what, everything

599
00:35:33.120 --> 00:35:37.560
changed. And I don't remember, I think it was some point at which as soon as I got

600
00:35:37.560 --> 00:35:41.760
back we went on vacation. My parents said we're taking us all on vacation. So we

601
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:46.280
went on vacation, somewhere on vacation, everything started switching. And

602
00:35:46.280 --> 00:35:50.640
everything started and the Lord started, you know, bringing in all of the money

603
00:35:50.640 --> 00:35:55.240
again, you know, to pay for my bills. And then I started traveling around the U.S.

604
00:35:55.240 --> 00:36:01.440
again. And then that's when, that's when I met you. It's when, right? Yeah, that's

605
00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:09.640
when I met you. When, when I started, I started traveling. And, you know, and I

606
00:36:09.640 --> 00:36:16.200
went and saw, you know, Laurie and all these other people. So my, my point is

607
00:36:16.200 --> 00:36:25.200
that when we make this particular choice it may not always, it's very, very

608
00:36:25.240 --> 00:36:30.640
hard to make. And the circumstances and situations like, like you may not get

609
00:36:30.640 --> 00:36:35.360
immediate proof and evidence as soon as you make the choice. You may not see

610
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:39.240
immediate proof and evidence in your life that you made the right choice and

611
00:36:39.240 --> 00:36:43.240
see God now shows up again, you know, in ways that makes sense to you or whatever.

612
00:36:43.240 --> 00:36:47.720
You may not. You may continue to have to make the choice because the point, the

613
00:36:47.720 --> 00:36:54.640
point is you choosing the being, not the lifestyle. So that's what you're being

614
00:36:54.800 --> 00:37:03.040
challenged with is where you're just like, you know, Lord, I appreciate and I

615
00:37:03.040 --> 00:37:10.240
love the expressions of you and the effects of you, but why won't you let me

616
00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:16.240
touch you? Well, the thing is, in order to be allowed to touch him, so to speak,

617
00:37:16.840 --> 00:37:21.280
because he's presenting himself, but in order for us to do that, we have to

618
00:37:21.440 --> 00:37:28.320
choose him with no strings attached. So sometimes we're brought to this moment

619
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:34.640
in which there are no strings and we have to choose them because there's no

620
00:37:34.640 --> 00:37:40.440
proof. There's no, you know, there's no effect, there's no logic, there's no

621
00:37:40.440 --> 00:37:46.720
nothing. And we just have to, we have to choose, we say, God, because imagine that

622
00:37:46.720 --> 00:37:52.840
you wouldn't want to give yourself, you know, the deepness of who it is that you

623
00:37:52.840 --> 00:38:03.280
are, you're being to someone unless, unless you knew that it was you, not what

624
00:38:03.280 --> 00:38:07.600
you give someone that they wanted. And it's the same thing, you know, with the

625
00:38:07.600 --> 00:38:12.600
Lord, he's like, is it me? Or is it the effects? And we all tell the Lord that

626
00:38:12.600 --> 00:38:19.120
that's what we want. But if we're not willing to actually do it, when the going

627
00:38:19.120 --> 00:38:24.880
gets tough, then God's like, see, you don't really, and I need you to choose

628
00:38:24.880 --> 00:38:30.040
me. And now so the good thing is, as you, as you know, we've talked a lot about

629
00:38:30.040 --> 00:38:35.400
before. It's an intention. It's a willful, intentional decision. This is what I

630
00:38:35.400 --> 00:38:40.720
choose. You don't have to worry about, like, Oh, I don't feel like it. So my

631
00:38:40.720 --> 00:38:46.080
feelings aren't matching up with it, or whatever. That doesn't, that doesn't

632
00:38:46.200 --> 00:38:54.440
hinder you making the choice. You just make a determination for yourself of

633
00:38:54.440 --> 00:39:00.040
this is what you choose. And that is faith. So your faith, something that you

634
00:39:00.040 --> 00:39:06.920
want to do and want to shift into want to choose is not being hindered by

635
00:39:07.120 --> 00:39:12.560
whether or not you feel like it. So you can make the decision. You just have to

636
00:39:12.560 --> 00:39:17.000
decide if that's what you want to do. You know, into the degree that you want

637
00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:24.200
to do it and all of that. But but yeah, that's it. So it's, it's not that God's

638
00:39:24.200 --> 00:39:31.160
like withholding himself from us. It's just that God's like, No, I'm here. But

639
00:39:31.160 --> 00:39:36.000
you actually have to choose me. If you want my being, you have to choose my

640
00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:41.960
being, as opposed to God, I want your being without having to choose it. And I

641
00:39:41.960 --> 00:39:46.160
just want you to give it to me. But I'm really, you know, there's all of these

642
00:39:46.160 --> 00:39:51.920
effects and whatever. And God's like, No, no, you really have to choose out any of

643
00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:57.560
it. And sometimes you're gonna have to, you get to the point where you have no

644
00:39:58.320 --> 00:39:59.760
God's telling you to choose.

645
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.240
And so, anyway, this is an invitation.

646
00:40:04.240 --> 00:40:09.240
So does any of that make sense for?

647
00:40:09.240 --> 00:40:13.360
Yeah, it makes sense.

648
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:14.680
I was just hoping that there was-

649
00:40:14.680 --> 00:40:17.680
But it really is where everything changes in your life.

650
00:40:17.680 --> 00:40:20.240
Go ahead.

651
00:40:20.240 --> 00:40:23.320
Here we go, Patti.

652
00:40:23.320 --> 00:40:28.960
Yeah, the weird thing is that my external circumstances

653
00:40:28.960 --> 00:40:31.640
are great, and I still feel this way.

654
00:40:31.640 --> 00:40:35.040
You know, like, there's no reason-

655
00:40:35.040 --> 00:40:37.000
If it doesn't satisfy.

656
00:40:37.000 --> 00:40:39.880
Yeah, and I think, like,

657
00:40:39.880 --> 00:40:43.760
it's just been this slow accumulation of, like,

658
00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:48.440
feeling like I don't have anyone to take care of me

659
00:40:48.440 --> 00:40:54.040
and just wanting that from God instead of me.

660
00:40:54.040 --> 00:40:57.720
Like, you know, I'm like, I know he's thrown me the life,

661
00:40:57.720 --> 00:41:01.720
but, like, I honestly don't have the strength to get in it.

662
00:41:01.720 --> 00:41:04.600
Like, that's how I feel.

663
00:41:04.600 --> 00:41:11.560
And I'm just like, if it's up to me to save myself this time,

664
00:41:11.560 --> 00:41:16.400
I don't know if I can, because I just, I feel so alone.

665
00:41:20.520 --> 00:41:26.760
Yeah, no, I definitely hear you on that.

666
00:41:26.760 --> 00:41:28.960
I have.

667
00:41:28.960 --> 00:41:31.560
And that's not something that I thought to mention

668
00:41:31.560 --> 00:41:34.240
when I was telling you what I was telling you,

669
00:41:34.240 --> 00:41:39.040
is that that is how it feels when you're in that situation

670
00:41:39.040 --> 00:41:44.120
where you have to make the choice, is you feel alone.

671
00:41:44.120 --> 00:41:47.160
That part of why it hurts so bad

672
00:41:47.160 --> 00:41:49.080
when you're having to choose God and his being.

673
00:41:49.080 --> 00:41:50.280
Do you need-

674
00:41:50.280 --> 00:41:53.920
One moment. I need to take care of Eric.

675
00:41:53.920 --> 00:41:55.920
Yeah.

676
00:42:24.120 --> 00:42:29.000
Okay. I told Ashley, or Eric was like, who are you talking to?

677
00:42:29.000 --> 00:42:30.320
And I said, well, I'm talking to Ashley.

678
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:32.440
And, you know, I've told you, we have two friends.

679
00:42:32.440 --> 00:42:35.560
Like, you are an Ashley and I have another friend, Ashley.

680
00:42:35.560 --> 00:42:40.520
And so he was like, oh, you mean daddy's sister, Ashley?

681
00:42:40.520 --> 00:42:45.320
Somewhere in his mind, he thinks that you are the Ashley

682
00:42:45.320 --> 00:42:49.080
that's daddy's sister. So I just was like, yeah, daddy's.

683
00:42:49.080 --> 00:42:50.080
I just let him think that.

684
00:42:50.080 --> 00:42:52.800
And so that's how he knows which Ashley you're part of,

685
00:42:52.800 --> 00:42:56.320
that you're daddy's sister, Ashley.

686
00:42:56.320 --> 00:42:57.840
That is hilarious.

687
00:42:57.840 --> 00:43:00.360
When isn't, haven't you and I been told

688
00:43:00.360 --> 00:43:02.800
that we look like sisters or after-birth sisters

689
00:43:02.800 --> 00:43:05.920
and stuff like that a lot?

690
00:43:05.920 --> 00:43:06.960
Yeah.

691
00:43:06.960 --> 00:43:09.280
So, like, I'm talking to daddy's sister.

692
00:43:09.280 --> 00:43:13.920
You and, you and my friend Amanda,

693
00:43:13.920 --> 00:43:16.600
I'm telling you what, everyone always thinks

694
00:43:16.600 --> 00:43:20.320
that we're siblings, but I think it's hilarious.

695
00:43:20.320 --> 00:43:25.320
Well, Amanda's son, Jonathan, who is older than Eric,

696
00:43:25.400 --> 00:43:28.000
he's like, he was like nine when he said this.

697
00:43:28.000 --> 00:43:31.320
He thought legitimately that I was,

698
00:43:31.320 --> 00:43:34.680
that I was Mike and Amanda's fifth child,

699
00:43:34.680 --> 00:43:37.520
that I was their sister, that I was his sister.

700
00:43:37.520 --> 00:43:40.200
And he didn't understand why I didn't live with them.

701
00:43:40.200 --> 00:43:41.680
Why?

702
00:43:41.680 --> 00:43:45.440
Just like, dude, I know you've known me.

703
00:43:45.440 --> 00:43:47.840
I know I was like there for your birth, basically,

704
00:43:47.840 --> 00:43:49.000
and everything.

705
00:43:49.000 --> 00:43:50.800
And I know I've been there for your whole life,

706
00:43:50.800 --> 00:43:55.720
but, you know, I'm mommy's friend, I'm not your sister,

707
00:43:55.720 --> 00:43:58.120
but I'm very glad you love me that much.

708
00:43:58.120 --> 00:43:59.240
Oh, baby.

709
00:43:59.240 --> 00:44:01.720
Because I feel like, looking at me, looking at me like,

710
00:44:01.720 --> 00:44:04.480
he's, you know, Mike, Amanda's husband,

711
00:44:04.480 --> 00:44:06.840
just like, where is he getting this?

712
00:44:06.840 --> 00:44:08.560
He's like, I don't know.

713
00:44:08.560 --> 00:44:11.160
He's like, you can tell how entrenched you are

714
00:44:11.160 --> 00:44:12.840
in this family.

715
00:44:12.840 --> 00:44:17.080
Our nine-year-old thinks that you're his sister.

716
00:44:17.120 --> 00:44:18.920
Oh, my God.

717
00:44:18.920 --> 00:44:24.080
I mean, I can be Josh's sister, that's fine.

718
00:44:24.080 --> 00:44:29.200
Because technically, I, yeah, isn't it fair?

719
00:44:29.200 --> 00:44:30.560
That's hilarious.

720
00:44:30.560 --> 00:44:32.120
Yeah, I don't know where he got that from,

721
00:44:32.120 --> 00:44:34.480
but anyway, he was just like.

722
00:44:34.480 --> 00:44:35.800
That is hilarious.

723
00:44:35.800 --> 00:44:36.680
Yeah, I know.

724
00:44:36.680 --> 00:44:38.800
Relationships are always very challenging

725
00:44:38.800 --> 00:44:41.120
to figure out that whole idea of like,

726
00:44:41.120 --> 00:44:44.320
well, he's related to you, and how are you,

727
00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:45.800
how can people be related

728
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:47.560
and other people not be related, you know?

729
00:44:47.560 --> 00:44:51.640
And it's always challenging to figure that out growing up.

730
00:44:54.880 --> 00:44:56.160
Oh, but yeah, so anyways,

731
00:44:56.160 --> 00:44:58.000
that was something that I hadn't thought to mention

732
00:44:58.000 --> 00:44:59.240
is when you're in that situation,

733
00:44:59.240 --> 00:45:00.440
one of the reasons why.

734
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.400
It's so hard to make the decision is not only do you feel alone, but you feel tired.

735
00:45:05.720 --> 00:45:11.600
You feel meaning like you feel like you literally do not have the energy to do

736
00:45:11.600 --> 00:45:18.120
it and you want someone else to do it this time, you're like, God, I have been

737
00:45:18.120 --> 00:45:20.000
pursuing you, I have been doing this.

738
00:45:20.040 --> 00:45:20.900
I had sacrificed.

739
00:45:20.900 --> 00:45:21.560
I have given up.

740
00:45:21.560 --> 00:45:22.160
I have whatever.

741
00:45:22.160 --> 00:45:30.160
And Lord, people that are around me, um, that as much as people love and support

742
00:45:30.160 --> 00:45:32.400
me, I still have to just do this on my own.

743
00:45:32.720 --> 00:45:37.600
And, uh, and sometimes, you know, can obviously it be extending beyond the

744
00:45:37.600 --> 00:45:41.800
spiritual circumstance you're finding in yourself and into a physical situation

745
00:45:41.800 --> 00:45:44.640
and or emotional situation you're finding yourself in, in which you feel

746
00:45:44.640 --> 00:45:46.040
alone in all those situations too.

747
00:45:46.040 --> 00:45:47.880
And so that is just an exacerbate problem.

748
00:45:48.200 --> 00:45:48.400
Yeah.

749
00:45:49.320 --> 00:45:57.080
And the point is that that is what it looks like when you have to make that

750
00:45:57.080 --> 00:46:01.680
drastic step is it so that's normal.

751
00:46:02.080 --> 00:46:08.400
Is it feels alone and like you don't have the energy to do it anymore.

752
00:46:08.400 --> 00:46:14.600
And you resent being asked yet again to be the one to do it.

753
00:46:14.920 --> 00:46:26.080
Yeah, that's exactly what I was like, but like I said, if, huh, it felt like

754
00:46:26.080 --> 00:46:28.640
that, it felt like that.

755
00:46:28.960 --> 00:46:29.520
Yeah.

756
00:46:30.360 --> 00:46:38.120
And, and it's not, but it does feel that way because that's how we interpret

757
00:46:38.120 --> 00:46:44.960
being in those situations is, oh, this is, this is abuse.

758
00:46:45.040 --> 00:46:50.680
This is, um, uh, unjust, unfair.

759
00:46:50.720 --> 00:46:55.920
It's, you know, um, hard hardship.

760
00:46:55.920 --> 00:46:58.120
There's not a, I keep thinking of a different word.

761
00:46:58.280 --> 00:47:01.680
Um, there's an, it's like, there's this other word or phrase I'm looking for

762
00:47:01.680 --> 00:47:05.000
that's like beyond abuse and I can't think of the word for it, but anyway,

763
00:47:05.240 --> 00:47:08.040
yeah, it doesn't feel right.

764
00:47:08.840 --> 00:47:12.800
It doesn't feel just, it doesn't feel like that's the way that things are.

765
00:47:12.800 --> 00:47:22.920
And that's thing that's something, um, is being asked of you that they don't

766
00:47:22.920 --> 00:47:27.480
have a right to ask if you like, this is not how things work and yet you're

767
00:47:27.480 --> 00:47:33.720
requiring it, so that that's because we just have, um, whatever you call it.

768
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:40.800
Uh, we have a misunderstanding of like what this, what we're interpreting

769
00:47:40.800 --> 00:47:46.000
the situation through a filter of our past experiences in life, you know,

770
00:47:46.040 --> 00:47:50.480
maybe with parents or with friends or other authority figures or whatever,

771
00:47:50.840 --> 00:47:54.200
and how they treated with us and treated us and interacted with us.

772
00:47:54.320 --> 00:48:00.440
And then when God does something that looks like that, we put the label on God

773
00:48:00.560 --> 00:48:05.800
of like, of, of, um, like he is interacting with us in a more, in a

774
00:48:05.800 --> 00:48:11.800
selfish way, like the, like the humans were, and it's not, he's just like

775
00:48:11.800 --> 00:48:17.040
noticeable because remember that anything that we go through, like all of the pain,

776
00:48:17.040 --> 00:48:25.160
all of this suffering, um, uh, is always an invitation by God to more freedom.

777
00:48:25.440 --> 00:48:30.080
So that's every, that's all that all of this is, is God is saying whether or

778
00:48:30.080 --> 00:48:32.400
not you feel the way that you do.

779
00:48:32.440 --> 00:48:36.400
In other words, whether or not you're recognizing what it is that you are,

780
00:48:36.440 --> 00:48:42.200
you do understand that what you are feeling and experiencing is the, is the

781
00:48:42.200 --> 00:48:47.360
state or whatever of all these other people, you know, the difference is

782
00:48:47.360 --> 00:48:50.640
you're feeling it when you feel it.

783
00:48:50.880 --> 00:48:54.080
That's God's invitation for you to shift out of it.

784
00:48:54.400 --> 00:48:55.800
You have to live with it.

785
00:48:56.800 --> 00:49:00.240
So why not know about it to get out of it?

786
00:49:00.680 --> 00:49:05.440
Because even if you don't know that you were living it and experience

787
00:49:07.200 --> 00:49:10.160
saying that you're have a quintet of it.

788
00:49:11.160 --> 00:49:12.000
Is that one calling you?

789
00:49:12.600 --> 00:49:15.080
No, no, no.

790
00:49:15.080 --> 00:49:17.080
You're kind of thought someone thought he said, mom.

791
00:49:17.560 --> 00:49:18.120
Oh, no.

792
00:49:21.160 --> 00:49:23.000
Oh, you're you hesitated just a little bit.

793
00:49:23.000 --> 00:49:27.320
Your connection, your connection is just a wee bit behind.

794
00:49:27.320 --> 00:49:27.840
Oh, okay.

795
00:49:30.920 --> 00:49:31.680
Oh, there we go.

796
00:49:31.760 --> 00:49:32.280
Now you're back.

797
00:49:33.560 --> 00:49:41.720
I, yeah, so I switched to sell cellular instead of case.

798
00:49:42.400 --> 00:49:50.720
So anyway, you have to live under the consequences and difficulties.

799
00:49:51.720 --> 00:49:56.120
Of where you are right now, whether or not you feel it and everybody else

800
00:49:56.120 --> 00:49:59.600
around you that hasn't made the choice is having to do it too.

801
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.880
But the difference is God's like highlighting it to you.

802
00:50:02.880 --> 00:50:07.000
So he's like, Hey, would you like to no longer live like this and live with the effects of

803
00:50:07.000 --> 00:50:08.160
it?

804
00:50:08.160 --> 00:50:12.360
So it's beyond even you feeling it, even when you don't feel it, you're still having to

805
00:50:12.360 --> 00:50:13.360
live with the effects of it.

806
00:50:13.360 --> 00:50:16.200
So with the fact that you feel it, in other words, the fact that it's not the feeling

807
00:50:16.200 --> 00:50:20.760
of it, it's like the fact that you become aware of it and yeah, it brings pain and God's

808
00:50:20.760 --> 00:50:22.260
like, yeah, but that's always there.

809
00:50:22.260 --> 00:50:26.680
Whether or not you felt the pain, for instance, your body can be terribly sick and not be

810
00:50:26.680 --> 00:50:34.160
notifying you of it, you know, like kind of a thing, pain lets us know there's something

811
00:50:34.160 --> 00:50:36.280
wrong.

812
00:50:36.280 --> 00:50:41.240
So it's the same thing in, you know, in the spirit is pain lets us know that something

813
00:50:41.240 --> 00:50:43.480
is wrong, but it's not the problem itself.

814
00:50:43.480 --> 00:50:46.400
So God's like, Hey, look, I'm highlighting this to you.

815
00:50:46.400 --> 00:50:48.100
So wouldn't you like to deal with it?

816
00:50:48.100 --> 00:50:51.720
Because if you don't deal with that, you're still bearing, you're still having to deal

817
00:50:51.720 --> 00:50:56.400
with all of the destructive consequences of having it in your life and you know, et cetera.

818
00:50:57.120 --> 00:50:58.880
So wouldn't you like to release it?

819
00:50:58.880 --> 00:51:04.040
And so this, so this isn't, so even though it feels abusive, it's actually, and I don't

820
00:51:04.040 --> 00:51:11.920
mean this in any kind of a shameful or condemnation way we've, we, we've put ourselves in this

821
00:51:11.920 --> 00:51:14.160
situation that we're finding ourselves in.

822
00:51:14.160 --> 00:51:17.480
And I don't, again, I don't mean that in a condemning way, some of it that we inherited

823
00:51:17.480 --> 00:51:20.840
through Adam, you know, we inherited through our parents, we, you know, and some of it

824
00:51:20.840 --> 00:51:22.520
is the choices that we made.

825
00:51:22.520 --> 00:51:26.960
So I don't mean that, Hey, you know, we're to blame for it.

826
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:29.280
My point is God's not to blame for it.

827
00:51:29.280 --> 00:51:35.760
God didn't put us in a situation that is actually him making life especially hard for us.

828
00:51:35.760 --> 00:51:39.920
We were here and he's just like, Hey, look, you always have to look like this, but now

829
00:51:39.920 --> 00:51:47.000
you're aware that you are making, giving you the opportunity to make a choice.

830
00:51:47.000 --> 00:51:53.040
So that whole feeling of like, Lord, I feel alone, God's like, yeah, you've always been

831
00:51:53.040 --> 00:51:54.600
that way.

832
00:51:54.600 --> 00:51:59.800
You're just now experiencing the feeling of it so that, you know, you can shift out of

833
00:51:59.800 --> 00:52:05.280
it or the whole thing of like, God, I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm always doing everything.

834
00:52:05.280 --> 00:52:11.640
I'm feeling like whenever I want something from you, I have to exert more energy or give

835
00:52:11.640 --> 00:52:13.880
up more or do more.

836
00:52:13.880 --> 00:52:20.600
I have to do the thing, you know, and why can't I just be enough and loved enough for

837
00:52:20.600 --> 00:52:21.600
you to do it?

838
00:52:21.600 --> 00:52:29.560
You know, am I not important enough, you know, and, and therefore, because I'm not important

839
00:52:29.560 --> 00:52:34.640
enough, if I want it, you'll, you'll, you know, graciously give it to me as long as

840
00:52:34.640 --> 00:52:35.640
I do all the work.

841
00:52:35.640 --> 00:52:36.640
I mean, that's how it feels.

842
00:52:36.640 --> 00:52:37.640
Right.

843
00:52:37.640 --> 00:52:40.960
But God's just like, no, no, all of that's already there.

844
00:52:40.960 --> 00:52:45.400
That's the oppress that that mindset is the oppressiveness that you've been living under.

845
00:52:45.400 --> 00:52:48.200
So wouldn't you like to live outside of that?

846
00:52:48.200 --> 00:52:51.440
So in order to live outside of it, we actually have to face it.

847
00:52:51.440 --> 00:52:58.280
We have to face the loneliness, meaning like we have to be in this position in this experiencing

848
00:52:58.280 --> 00:53:04.680
that loneliness, experiencing that exhaustion and being like, God, I have no energy left

849
00:53:04.680 --> 00:53:07.240
and I don't want to, you know?

850
00:53:07.240 --> 00:53:14.680
And we have to face it in order to make a choice.

851
00:53:14.680 --> 00:53:20.960
How would you, how would you say that in order to make, in order to choose something else

852
00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:28.800
other than it, we have to have me facing it in order to say, no, I don't choose this.

853
00:53:28.800 --> 00:53:30.400
I now choose this.

854
00:53:30.400 --> 00:53:35.960
And that destroys the power of this thing over here, because you've grabbed a hold of

855
00:53:35.960 --> 00:53:36.960
a higher power.

856
00:53:36.960 --> 00:53:40.200
They had to do that to do all of that.

857
00:53:40.200 --> 00:53:44.360
All of those results all sound great, but you have to do it.

858
00:53:44.360 --> 00:53:50.800
And yeah, that, and so that is hard, but again, at least you don't have to worry about the

859
00:53:50.800 --> 00:53:51.800
feeling.

860
00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:59.000
You just have to make the choice and the decision and you're choosing a being and all of that.

861
00:53:59.000 --> 00:54:00.000
Yeah.

862
00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:01.000
I'm not sure.

863
00:54:01.000 --> 00:54:02.000
Yeah.

864
00:54:02.000 --> 00:54:03.000
It's okay, right?

865
00:54:03.000 --> 00:54:04.000
Can I get that through?

866
00:54:04.000 --> 00:54:05.000
That's out there.

867
00:54:05.000 --> 00:54:06.000
Yeah.

868
00:54:06.000 --> 00:54:07.000
If you're very careful, you will be.

869
00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:08.000
Yeah.

870
00:54:08.000 --> 00:54:09.000
Okay.

871
00:54:09.000 --> 00:54:10.000
Close your door.

872
00:54:10.000 --> 00:54:11.000
Yeah.

873
00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:12.000
Sure.

874
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:38.120
It's not done for us, you know, and there's not an explanation out of it, but it does

875
00:54:38.120 --> 00:54:42.280
mean that the solution is very simple.

876
00:54:42.280 --> 00:54:53.040
We just have to make the choice, but anyway, so, and there is a solution to get out of

877
00:54:53.040 --> 00:54:54.040
it.

878
00:54:54.040 --> 00:54:57.040
That makes so much sense.

879
00:54:57.040 --> 00:54:58.040
Yeah.

880
00:54:58.040 --> 00:54:59.920
Because I'm.

881
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:05.200
like listening to you talk, go ahead. What were you going to say? Well, I was, I just wanted to,

882
00:55:05.200 --> 00:55:10.160
you know, encourage you that, you know, you don't, there's an aspect in which you don't have to do,

883
00:55:10.160 --> 00:55:18.240
you don't have to, you can relieve some of the aloneness by asking him, Lord, I'm doing this.

884
00:55:18.240 --> 00:55:23.920
I'm having to make this choice. I had to make this decision, but this is really hard for me.

885
00:55:24.880 --> 00:55:33.600
You know, can you help me? Can you give me the gift of faith? Can you, can you, I don't know,

886
00:55:34.640 --> 00:55:40.480
be gentle with me? Can you, I don't know, just whatever. So you can ask for him to help you

887
00:55:41.200 --> 00:55:48.080
and to be there and to participate and that you would feel his presence. So you can do that. So

888
00:55:48.080 --> 00:55:54.000
you don't have to have to like not talk to him. You can ask for his help in doing the thing that

889
00:55:54.000 --> 00:56:00.160
he's asking you to do, you know? So anyway, go ahead. Yeah. No, that makes that, um,

890
00:56:00.960 --> 00:56:06.960
it helps me understand what's going on because I know, I know that,

891
00:56:09.600 --> 00:56:17.040
I know that if I don't choose, it's just going to go away until next time. You know what I mean?

892
00:56:17.040 --> 00:56:22.240
Like, it's just gonna, it's, it's always been there and I can make it go away because I just

893
00:56:22.240 --> 00:56:27.600
don't want to look at it, you know, and I would much rather do this hard. I'd much rather do this

894
00:56:27.600 --> 00:56:34.160
intentionally with a relationship than stay over there all by myself. Cause that's a lot of work

895
00:56:34.160 --> 00:56:43.440
to just stay there. But I, I'm seeing so many parallels to, as you were talking about the whole

896
00:56:43.440 --> 00:56:53.600
like thing with perceiving God to be abusive because he has the same actions as someone who

897
00:56:54.560 --> 00:57:02.800
was abusive yet. His heart is pure, you know, um, that, yeah, really helped me understand

898
00:57:03.440 --> 00:57:07.600
because Josh and I really been struggling the last few days too, which is kind of what

899
00:57:07.600 --> 00:57:13.360
made this all come to head. And it was the same thing. Like I just thought to myself, like he's

900
00:57:13.360 --> 00:57:18.960
doing the same things that my dad did and his dad did, but yet I know his heart isn't the same as

901
00:57:18.960 --> 00:57:25.440
theirs. And I was so confused and it's the same thing that I've been feeling towards God too.

902
00:57:26.640 --> 00:57:31.440
Like you really require me to be an active participant, active participant in this.

903
00:57:32.240 --> 00:57:38.560
Well, are you sure it doesn't have a hook? Yeah, it doesn't. Oh, okay. Well,

904
00:57:38.560 --> 00:57:41.920
maybe we can return it and get the other one, but you can still play with that one

905
00:57:42.800 --> 00:57:50.400
until we get the right one. Okay. I'll look, I'll look to see if I can find the right model number.

906
00:57:51.840 --> 00:57:57.120
We got Harold helicopter, but it doesn't have a hook. So we're going to have to play. Does

907
00:57:57.120 --> 00:58:08.400
that look great? Yeah. Yeah. But you can still play with that if you want to anyway. Yeah.

908
00:58:10.720 --> 00:58:14.960
I forget what I was saying about being an active participant. Yeah.

909
00:58:16.800 --> 00:58:20.000
And I mean, obviously marriage too, but it goes further than that.

910
00:58:20.160 --> 00:58:29.600
And daddy has to assemble it. Good. Eric, can you please go finish your

911
00:58:29.600 --> 00:58:32.480
Legos or go take that downstairs to your superstation? Okay.

912
00:58:35.280 --> 00:58:38.480
You don't want that. Okay. Well, you may lay here if you're quiet. Okay.

913
00:58:39.360 --> 00:58:49.840
No, it's Dominic's Jeep.

914
00:59:01.520 --> 00:59:04.720
I know. Daddy and I will talk about it then when he gets back from work. Okay.

915
00:59:04.720 --> 00:59:10.560
Hey, Eric, you need to either go have quiet time or lay down here and be quiet. Okay. Mommy

916
00:59:10.560 --> 00:59:17.280
doesn't want to make Ashley waste her time. Okay. Are you going to lay down? Okay.

917
00:59:20.320 --> 00:59:26.400
Anyway, don't blame him. I'd want to go play too. Yeah. He's a way down, but

918
00:59:30.320 --> 00:59:33.760
making a lot of correlations between all the different things in my life.

919
00:59:34.880 --> 00:59:40.480
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm sorry. It's been challenging and hard.

920
00:59:42.960 --> 00:59:49.040
And that, you know, things were starting to come up, you know, or not starting, but that

921
00:59:49.040 --> 00:59:53.360
there were just some little things between Josh recently too. I'm sorry.

922
00:59:55.920 --> 00:59:59.840
Does that hurt? You just really feel alone.

923
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.720
Yeah, you're like the person that's supposed to be taking care of me isn't even taking

924
01:00:03.720 --> 01:00:06.720
care of me anyway so now I'm just angry.

925
01:00:06.720 --> 01:00:19.720
I'm sure we'll get everything smoothed over soon.

926
01:00:19.720 --> 01:00:25.520
Can you just just lay here and be quiet, okay?

927
01:00:25.520 --> 01:00:31.520
I'll get you a snack when I'm done, all right?

928
01:00:31.520 --> 01:00:34.520
No, I'm going to get it on myself.

929
01:00:34.520 --> 01:00:37.520
Okay, then help yourself.

930
01:00:37.520 --> 01:00:45.520
That's fine, if you need to open it just use the scissors, okay?

931
01:00:45.520 --> 01:00:51.520
I think he keeps getting more tired and more tired because his visits keep becoming more

932
01:00:51.520 --> 01:00:52.520
frequent.

933
01:00:52.520 --> 01:00:53.520
Yeah.

934
01:00:53.520 --> 01:00:54.520
Almost four.

935
01:00:54.520 --> 01:00:59.520
Yeah, I'm surprised he's actually lasted this long.

936
01:00:59.520 --> 01:01:09.520
So, was there anything else that you wanted to kind of bring up or talk through that's

937
01:01:09.520 --> 01:01:12.520
bothering you or that's it?

938
01:01:12.520 --> 01:01:15.520
No, I think that's it.

939
01:01:15.520 --> 01:01:17.520
I think so.

940
01:01:17.520 --> 01:01:21.520
Well, there was one thing as far as like the worst thing.

941
01:01:21.520 --> 01:01:24.520
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

942
01:01:24.520 --> 01:01:25.520
What did you say?

943
01:01:25.520 --> 01:01:28.520
There's something like put you down into like the worst angle.

944
01:01:28.520 --> 01:01:34.520
I have this little nick in my fingernail that keeps catching on all like on my blanket.

945
01:01:34.520 --> 01:01:37.520
Yeah, I get it and I can't get it.

946
01:01:37.520 --> 01:01:44.520
Anyway, as far as experiencing the Lord supernaturally, is that something that you just discovered

947
01:01:44.520 --> 01:01:48.520
on your own and you were just led with it in the Lord?

948
01:01:48.520 --> 01:01:55.520
Or was there ever anything that you found to be helpful as far as tools or any kind

949
01:01:55.520 --> 01:02:03.520
of resources that you found were like really helped you become more aware of ways to interact

950
01:02:03.520 --> 01:02:05.520
with the Lord like that?

951
01:02:06.520 --> 01:02:14.520
I'm trying to think.

952
01:02:14.520 --> 01:02:18.520
How I did that.

953
01:02:18.520 --> 01:02:30.520
I and other people and getting and hearing from or talking to or reading, you know, things

954
01:02:31.520 --> 01:02:37.520
from people that had particular experiences to give me an understanding of like what's

955
01:02:37.520 --> 01:02:41.520
possible and what I could press into and all of that because I just didn't know it was

956
01:02:41.520 --> 01:02:42.520
possible.

957
01:02:42.520 --> 01:02:46.520
So basically, it was just for me, that was my exposure.

958
01:02:46.520 --> 01:02:54.520
I've had other friends, however, that have always had supernatural experiences with the

959
01:02:54.520 --> 01:02:58.520
Lord and they thought everybody did.

960
01:02:58.520 --> 01:02:59.520
I just thought it was normal.

961
01:02:59.520 --> 01:03:02.520
And at some point, they found out other people didn't.

962
01:03:02.520 --> 01:03:04.520
So they kept it quiet.

963
01:03:04.520 --> 01:03:11.520
Because then now they didn't know anybody else who was having experiences like this

964
01:03:11.520 --> 01:03:12.520
with the Lord.

965
01:03:12.520 --> 01:03:21.520
So my point is that God can, God just has our journey with people, it wouldn't be different.

966
01:03:21.520 --> 01:03:25.520
There are some people that God is literally their only teacher.

967
01:03:25.520 --> 01:03:30.520
And there are others that have a lot of exposure to other people or books that they've written

968
01:03:30.520 --> 01:03:35.520
or conferences that they put on or they're having to be friends with them or whatever

969
01:03:35.520 --> 01:03:41.520
that exposed them to other experiences that people have had to kind of help them realize

970
01:03:41.520 --> 01:03:45.520
oh my word, the world is a lot bigger supernaturally than I thought.

971
01:03:45.520 --> 01:03:50.520
And then sometimes they ask them, you know, or if you read a book, you know, it'll explain

972
01:03:50.520 --> 01:03:52.520
how you can experience that for yourself.

973
01:03:52.520 --> 01:03:57.520
And then other times God's just like, you get exposed to all of this and then God himself,

974
01:03:57.520 --> 01:04:03.520
you know, just kind of teaches you how to interact or whatever.

975
01:04:03.520 --> 01:04:09.520
We have a gentleman with those supernatural experiences like, okay, so I just had this

976
01:04:09.520 --> 01:04:11.520
dream or I just had this vision.

977
01:04:11.520 --> 01:04:12.520
And what does that mean?

978
01:04:12.520 --> 01:04:13.520
Is that real?

979
01:04:13.520 --> 01:04:14.520
Is that God?

980
01:04:14.520 --> 01:04:17.520
You know, and what am I supposed to do with it?

981
01:04:18.520 --> 01:04:22.520
And so sometimes there are people that someone has connection with that they can talk to

982
01:04:22.520 --> 01:04:27.520
and other times, you know, God just doesn't himself.

983
01:04:27.520 --> 01:04:34.520
And there's a gentleman here who told the Lord that God, I believe that I don't know you.

984
01:04:34.520 --> 01:04:42.520
And I want to know who you actually really truly are.

985
01:04:43.520 --> 01:04:49.520
And God began to into experiences every single morning with the Lord.

986
01:04:49.520 --> 01:04:54.520
I don't know for how long, but every single day, God would meet with him and take him

987
01:04:54.520 --> 01:04:56.520
through these supernatural experiences.

988
01:04:56.520 --> 01:04:59.520
And I don't remember if it's still going on, but he's just.

989
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.840
published his, I think his fourth book, maybe it's his only his third, and he's working

990
01:05:05.840 --> 01:05:09.920
on his fourth of all of these experiences.

991
01:05:09.920 --> 01:05:18.480
And he, and God, he just told God what was on his heart and God just started, he started

992
01:05:18.480 --> 01:05:28.840
showing up and then God himself had to teach him in the experiences, what everything meant,

993
01:05:28.840 --> 01:05:33.640
what to do with it, you know, et cetera.

994
01:05:33.640 --> 01:05:39.800
And so I don't know that the guy really had anybody to talk to about it.

995
01:05:39.800 --> 01:05:42.720
Now he knew that it was possible and it was real.

996
01:05:42.720 --> 01:05:44.680
He just took that.

997
01:05:44.680 --> 01:05:52.400
He didn't know other people in tight relationship that he could ask, okay, now what am I supposed

998
01:05:52.400 --> 01:05:55.040
to do with it?

999
01:05:55.040 --> 01:06:04.640
So anyway, I, I'll ask Ed if he, and I can think of any resources or whatever that we

1000
01:06:04.640 --> 01:06:10.200
can refer you to for, I don't know what that would be like.

1001
01:06:10.200 --> 01:06:14.200
Are you talking about dreams or are you talking about visions or are you just talking about

1002
01:06:14.200 --> 01:06:18.240
like more of God or what's possible or what?

1003
01:06:18.240 --> 01:06:23.560
Yeah, probably just more of God and what's possible.

1004
01:06:23.560 --> 01:06:24.560
Yeah.

1005
01:06:24.560 --> 01:06:35.760
Cause my dreams, my dreams, I mean, I don't, I, I mean, I definitely have most of experiences

1006
01:06:35.760 --> 01:06:36.760
with my dreams.

1007
01:06:36.760 --> 01:06:40.560
So it's not like I necessarily need or want those to be more supernatural.

1008
01:06:40.560 --> 01:06:45.800
I mean, if they end up being more supernatural, that's fine, but it's not necessarily, I've

1009
01:06:45.800 --> 01:06:51.360
been like, you know, already had that type of thing, which sounds really ungrateful.

1010
01:06:51.360 --> 01:06:52.840
I don't mean it to sound that way.

1011
01:06:52.840 --> 01:06:53.840
No, I understand.

1012
01:06:53.840 --> 01:06:54.840
Yeah.

1013
01:06:54.840 --> 01:06:55.840
Yeah.

1014
01:06:55.840 --> 01:07:04.040
I think for me, it would be more realizing what it, what is entailed more in the spiritual

1015
01:07:04.040 --> 01:07:08.320
world, the spiritual realm.

1016
01:07:08.320 --> 01:07:15.840
Because I know that there is that realm and that world, and I would just like to experience

1017
01:07:15.840 --> 01:07:16.840
more of it.

1018
01:07:16.840 --> 01:07:17.840
Yeah.

1019
01:07:17.840 --> 01:07:18.840
Yeah.

1020
01:07:19.840 --> 01:07:20.840
Yeah.

1021
01:07:20.840 --> 01:07:27.600
Now that you can obviously ask the Lord for, cause nobody experiences that kind of thing.

1022
01:07:27.600 --> 01:07:34.280
I mean, outside of God, unless, you know, God gives it to him.

1023
01:07:34.280 --> 01:07:39.760
And so you can, you know, tell him that that's what I do, just ask the Lord, I'd like to

1024
01:07:39.760 --> 01:07:41.200
experience this and whatever.

1025
01:07:41.200 --> 01:07:45.280
And then I had someone tell me who had no idea I'd ever prayed that prayer, prayed that

1026
01:07:45.280 --> 01:07:46.280
prayer.

1027
01:07:46.280 --> 01:07:52.040
And they had never met me and they knew nothing but my name.

1028
01:07:52.040 --> 01:07:57.800
And they just told me, they said, God tells me that you are wanting that.

1029
01:07:57.800 --> 01:07:59.520
And you said that he's going to give it to you.

1030
01:07:59.520 --> 01:08:01.600
And I'm like, Oh my word.

1031
01:08:01.600 --> 01:08:09.200
So anyway, you can obviously, you know, ask him as your father, you know, Hey Lord, this

1032
01:08:09.200 --> 01:08:10.200
is what I want.

1033
01:08:10.200 --> 01:08:13.360
Can you show me what more I can experience?

1034
01:08:13.440 --> 01:08:15.160
Could you bring me experiences?

1035
01:08:15.160 --> 01:08:16.960
Could you allow me to experience things?

1036
01:08:16.960 --> 01:08:23.319
And then could you either show me or bring me resources to show me how to grow in this?

1037
01:08:23.319 --> 01:08:28.640
What it, what it means, what I'm supposed to do with it so that I can gain understanding

1038
01:08:28.640 --> 01:08:39.080
and of what's going on and not reject things or or discredit them because I just simply

1039
01:08:39.080 --> 01:08:40.920
don't understand something.

1040
01:08:40.920 --> 01:08:45.520
So, so obviously he's our father and the whole point of our, the experience that we

1041
01:08:45.520 --> 01:08:48.600
have is to develop relationship with him.

1042
01:08:48.600 --> 01:08:51.960
It's not to have experiences, it's to develop relationship with them.

1043
01:08:51.960 --> 01:08:56.920
And so that means that he wants to, as part of his relationship, it's father and son,

1044
01:08:56.920 --> 01:09:01.000
father you into it, show you how it's done, show you what to do with it, you know, okay,

1045
01:09:01.000 --> 01:09:04.760
let's walk through this together and I'll tell you all of this stuff.

1046
01:09:04.760 --> 01:09:06.160
Sometimes he tells us through books.

1047
01:09:06.160 --> 01:09:09.720
Sometimes he tells us through people and sometimes he just tells us directly.

1048
01:09:09.720 --> 01:09:11.240
So there's always that.

1049
01:09:11.240 --> 01:09:18.240
And then, and then I'll talk to Ed, if there are, if there are things I can, if there are

1050
01:09:18.240 --> 01:09:29.240
resources that we can think of, all of the stuff that's coming to mind, though, are,

1051
01:09:29.240 --> 01:09:38.640
are things like experiences that people relating experiences that they've had, not necessarily

1052
01:09:38.640 --> 01:09:48.000
explaining to someone else how they can do it, or, you know, and how to do it or what

1053
01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:49.200
to do with it.

1054
01:09:49.200 --> 01:09:54.200
There's one exception, there's some guy and I don't remember what, I don't know what the

1055
01:09:54.200 --> 01:09:59.120
whole book is about, but Ed's been telling me, I need to read this book because I want

1056
01:09:59.120 --> 01:10:00.120
to see angels.

1057
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:05.680
see into the spirit realm. And he said, well, actually there's this guy that I think his name

1058
01:10:00.120 --> 01:10:00.120


1059
01:10:05.680 --> 01:10:12.240
is. No, it's not Gary. I don't remember what his name is. And he said that in this book, he talks

1060
01:10:12.240 --> 01:10:18.960
about how he started seeing angels. And it's kind of like a, how to it's like, actually, I think you

1061
01:10:18.960 --> 01:10:24.400
need to read that though. I need to read it. There's not all. So my point is I'm not getting

1062
01:10:24.400 --> 01:10:30.560
a whole lot of how-to books coming to mind, but Ed knows a lot of resources. So I'll see if he can

1063
01:10:30.560 --> 01:10:37.680
think of that or books or, or like teachings or whatever that maybe would be helpful.

1064
01:10:39.600 --> 01:10:44.080
Some of the mystic stuff, I think that Ed and I have talked about, you know,

1065
01:10:44.080 --> 01:10:52.160
to y'all about that. We've been some of those people have gone, what appears to us to be

1066
01:10:53.120 --> 01:11:02.080
made some kind of a left turn somewhere. And because no one is immune from that at any point.

1067
01:11:03.040 --> 01:11:07.680
In fact, the further, the more that you've been given in the Lord,

1068
01:11:11.360 --> 01:11:14.880
Ed thinks that the more that you're given in the Lord, and I agree with him,

1069
01:11:15.760 --> 01:11:25.600
then the greater attack that you can come under and that to try to counter that. And so we all

1070
01:11:25.600 --> 01:11:35.040
want so much more, but the thing is with more comes more responsibility. And, and so we think

1071
01:11:35.040 --> 01:11:41.200
that some people have taken some things and gone, taken some left turn and they don't think so. And

1072
01:11:41.200 --> 01:11:44.960
all the people that have been following him for so long, don't think so. And these are people that

1073
01:11:44.960 --> 01:11:51.920
Ed and I used to listen to. In fact, some of these people, some of them are our friends and some of

1074
01:11:51.920 --> 01:11:57.920
them are people that we're not friends with it. Ed's met, knows, supported and helped and all

1075
01:11:57.920 --> 01:12:00.800
of that. And all of a sudden we're going, we're hearing all these stories and we're going,

1076
01:12:01.680 --> 01:12:04.480
they believe what? They're teaching what?

1077
01:12:06.000 --> 01:12:06.240
Yeah.

1078
01:12:08.080 --> 01:12:16.800
Um, so a little, you know, I, we don't feel like we can recommend those things the way that we,

1079
01:12:16.800 --> 01:12:21.760
the way that we used to, the people, we don't speak them ourselves the way that we used to.

1080
01:12:21.760 --> 01:12:25.280
They were just trying to, you know, just stick the word on, well, this is what all's going on.

1081
01:12:26.160 --> 01:12:32.720
Um, but that's a very long answer to tell you that. Um, no, I asked Ed about some resources.

1082
01:12:33.760 --> 01:12:36.880
Yeah. You can think of some things. Yeah.

1083
01:12:39.600 --> 01:12:44.960
It's good to talk to you. I'm sorry that, you know, you're going through, um, what you are.

1084
01:12:44.960 --> 01:12:54.000
I really do. I really do understand. I really, really do. It's awful. And, you know, I,

1085
01:12:54.000 --> 01:12:58.560
I haven't just gone through it. You do know that I'll periodically we'll run into that again,

1086
01:12:58.560 --> 01:13:04.640
where I have to, where I have to go through a, a, a season or feeling or whatever, and I have

1087
01:13:04.640 --> 01:13:10.320
to make the choice just like you are right now, that there's more coming up. It's just,

1088
01:13:11.440 --> 01:13:17.200
it's just how it is, but it's not like this fatalistic view of like, well, it's just how it

1089
01:13:17.200 --> 01:13:23.280
is. It's like, no, this is, this is releasing the flesh. This is overcoming the flesh and

1090
01:13:23.280 --> 01:13:28.960
relief from the rest. This is just kind of this is, this is moving. This is transitioning more

1091
01:13:28.960 --> 01:13:34.240
and more into spirit. And this is the process because of the amount of, because of the flesh

1092
01:13:34.240 --> 01:13:41.360
that has to be overcome. So anyway, but it is hard and I'm very, very, very sorry. I, I,

1093
01:13:41.360 --> 01:13:51.840
I don't wish that on you to talk to, because I know that you get it. And I'm like, well,

1094
01:13:51.840 --> 01:13:56.480
who does Ashley ever have to call and cry too? It's like, she doesn't have anyone. I mean,

1095
01:13:56.480 --> 01:14:02.400
now you probably do more than you did, but I'm like, I don't know what I do without you

1096
01:14:02.400 --> 01:14:06.560
because I just, some days I'm like, I am going to lose it.

1097
01:14:07.440 --> 01:14:14.800
I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better. I still feel like, like that on days like that. I had

1098
01:14:14.800 --> 01:14:19.600
a moment like that. I don't know, maybe it was two, three weeks ago. And Ed reminded me of it

1099
01:14:19.600 --> 01:14:24.880
yesterday. It's like, Ashley, you were, you were, you were at the edge of your rope. I was like,

1100
01:14:24.880 --> 01:14:34.480
oh yeah, absolute edge. And, and so when Ed gets to that way too, you know, and we all just kind

1101
01:14:34.480 --> 01:14:38.720
of, I was kind of do, and someone asked Ed the other, or someone talked to someone else the other

1102
01:14:38.720 --> 01:14:43.920
day and asked Ed and Ed ended up hearing about it later. Somebody asked, because they were talking

1103
01:14:43.920 --> 01:14:49.040
to Ed about stuff and Ed was, you know, encouraging them and counseling them or whatever. And so then

1104
01:14:49.040 --> 01:14:53.120
they went off to go see somebody else. And then they sit, they told somebody else who ended up

1105
01:14:53.120 --> 01:14:59.760
telling Ed later, they're like, who does Ed have to talk to? Like, well, that's,

1106
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.660
the thing we, we, you know, we all have, I'm so very grateful.

1107
01:15:03.660 --> 01:15:08.160
We all have people in our lives that we just like, like, well, I have so-and-so

1108
01:15:08.220 --> 01:15:11.760
I can reach out to so-and-so and then we try to beat out for other people.

1109
01:15:11.760 --> 01:15:13.200
You know, we all just help each other.

1110
01:15:13.660 --> 01:15:18.660
It's just a, it's just a, you know, body, you know, part of the

1111
01:15:18.660 --> 01:15:20.720
body has its function and whatever.

1112
01:15:20.720 --> 01:15:24.700
So now that Ed and I are married, even before then, when Ed and I are married,

1113
01:15:24.700 --> 01:15:28.000
you know, we talk to each other and so that's helpful, but then Ed has his

1114
01:15:28.000 --> 01:15:34.460
circle of people that he, that he talks to, I have some, that he and I talked

1115
01:15:34.460 --> 01:15:37.240
about the fact that I don't have the number of people that he has and that

1116
01:15:37.240 --> 01:15:42.260
that's an issue, knowing that I need, I need some people I'm like, I know.

1117
01:15:43.000 --> 01:15:45.640
I know Ed, don't tell me something I don't know.

1118
01:15:48.000 --> 01:15:49.460
Like, do you have a woman to talk to?

1119
01:15:49.460 --> 01:15:50.400
Well, I don't know.

1120
01:15:50.400 --> 01:15:51.160
It depends.

1121
01:15:52.520 --> 01:15:54.400
I talk to different people, but different people.

1122
01:15:55.400 --> 01:15:59.800
Sometimes I call Carrie, sometimes I call Amanda, sometimes I call Lindsay.

1123
01:16:01.600 --> 01:16:05.200
Sometimes I call, I don't know, she's like, yeah, but somebody older.

1124
01:16:05.200 --> 01:16:08.600
No, I don't, I don't know what you're trying to do.

1125
01:16:11.000 --> 01:16:13.300
Anyway, so I'm praying about that.

1126
01:16:13.500 --> 01:16:16.800
I was like, well, I've been praying about that Ed for like decades, so.

1127
01:16:20.800 --> 01:16:22.800
Oh man, well, truly, honestly.

1128
01:16:22.800 --> 01:16:31.200
I, I do not know what I would do without you and I, you mean a lot to me.

1129
01:16:31.200 --> 01:16:37.200
Our relationship means a lot to me for not only just, I mean, giving of your time, I

1130
01:16:37.200 --> 01:16:41.700
think was probably the least of what you gave today, giving of yourself and your

1131
01:16:41.700 --> 01:16:42.800
energy and all of that.

1132
01:16:42.800 --> 01:16:44.600
I really, really, really appreciated it.

1133
01:16:46.000 --> 01:16:47.000
Oh, I'm so glad.

1134
01:16:47.200 --> 01:16:48.200
So glad to be here for you.

1135
01:16:48.300 --> 01:16:50.000
I like to, I like to help people.

1136
01:16:50.000 --> 01:16:51.100
Well, love you dear friends.

1137
01:16:51.100 --> 01:16:56.400
I'll be praying for you as you go through this and that'd be, be quick.

1138
01:16:56.400 --> 01:16:56.900
And

1139
01:17:00.400 --> 01:17:06.000
that I understand a little bit more what's going on and that this is actually how

1140
01:17:06.000 --> 01:17:07.200
hard it is sometimes.

1141
01:17:07.200 --> 01:17:15.000
Like it, it's been hard in the past, but I always like, I feel like now I'm, I'm

1142
01:17:16.000 --> 01:17:23.900
I feel like now I'm, I'm, I've had enough of time with the Lord in the past where

1143
01:17:23.900 --> 01:17:29.400
I'm like, this seems offensive now because like in other times I was still learning

1144
01:17:29.400 --> 01:17:30.700
who God was, you know?

1145
01:17:30.700 --> 01:17:32.900
And so I was like, oh, well, this is fine.

1146
01:17:32.900 --> 01:17:33.900
It's just all a part of it.

1147
01:17:33.900 --> 01:17:36.400
Probably, you know, it's just hard and that's fine.

1148
01:17:36.900 --> 01:17:40.800
And then all of a sudden you get to know more and more of how loving he is and

1149
01:17:40.800 --> 01:17:41.900
all these wonderful things.

1150
01:17:41.900 --> 01:17:42.800
And then it happens again.

1151
01:17:42.800 --> 01:17:44.100
And you're like, yeah, I know.

1152
01:17:44.500 --> 01:17:45.900
It's like, why would you do that?

1153
01:17:46.800 --> 01:17:50.200
I thought that was a segment of my imagination before I knew you loved me.

1154
01:17:52.000 --> 01:17:53.800
How could this happen after you left me?

1155
01:17:53.800 --> 01:17:55.400
Yes, exactly.

1156
01:17:55.400 --> 01:17:59.600
It's like the more you, the more you, the longer, you know, the Lord, and then it

1157
01:17:59.600 --> 01:18:02.600
gets harder and harder, the worse it hurts because it's like, I can't believe

1158
01:18:02.600 --> 01:18:03.300
that you do this.

1159
01:18:04.200 --> 01:18:04.800
It does.

1160
01:18:05.100 --> 01:18:06.000
The worst it hurts.

1161
01:18:07.100 --> 01:18:08.000
Yeah, very true.

1162
01:18:09.000 --> 01:18:12.900
And there was one more thing that I thought to tell you.

1163
01:18:13.000 --> 01:18:13.600
What was it?

1164
01:18:14.200 --> 01:18:15.600
Oh, that's a bummer.

1165
01:18:17.500 --> 01:18:18.000
Oh, well.

1166
01:18:18.900 --> 01:18:21.500
Anyway, I mean, you've got got plenty.

1167
01:18:21.500 --> 01:18:22.800
It was just something else.

1168
01:18:22.800 --> 01:18:24.000
Oh, choosing.

1169
01:18:24.200 --> 01:18:28.200
So you remember what it is that you're actually like, like choosing, right?

1170
01:18:28.500 --> 01:18:33.600
Not like, because remember like, God is me or who I say God is.

1171
01:18:34.600 --> 01:18:35.100
Yeah.

1172
01:18:35.100 --> 01:18:38.200
And so it's not like, oh, that you give me these things to you, whatever.

1173
01:18:38.200 --> 01:18:43.600
But no, God, you are, you know, the things that he declares himself.

1174
01:18:44.200 --> 01:18:49.300
To be as his personhood, so to speak, and his character.

1175
01:18:49.800 --> 01:18:56.600
And that would be things like provider, protector with, you know,

1176
01:18:56.700 --> 01:18:57.700
identifier.

1177
01:18:58.100 --> 01:18:59.100
They loves you.

1178
01:18:59.100 --> 01:19:03.900
They likes you and then he comforts and then he's comforter that he is those

1179
01:19:03.900 --> 01:19:04.500
things.

1180
01:19:05.900 --> 01:19:11.700
Not that he does certain things for you that manifest in a particular way.

1181
01:19:11.700 --> 01:19:13.600
So it's him, not the manifestation.

1182
01:19:13.600 --> 01:19:16.200
It's his character, not the manifestation, etc.

1183
01:19:16.700 --> 01:19:23.400
And so anyway, it's because sometimes we can think, oh, well, so what am

1184
01:19:23.400 --> 01:19:24.000
I choosing?

1185
01:19:24.000 --> 01:19:26.500
Well, God, I'm choosing that.

1186
01:19:27.700 --> 01:19:36.000
That your God or I'm choosing that, you know, you do act like this towards

1187
01:19:36.000 --> 01:19:36.300
me.

1188
01:19:36.800 --> 01:19:40.000
I could be disappointed because he doesn't always do that, you know, you

1189
01:19:40.000 --> 01:19:43.000
know, so it's like we have to we have to make this.

1190
01:19:43.000 --> 01:19:52.100
We have to choose God detached from him expressing any of that detached

1191
01:19:52.100 --> 01:19:54.400
from the expression of any of that.

1192
01:19:54.500 --> 01:19:59.800
And so that's what you're choosing and that that's vital to understand

1193
01:19:59.800 --> 01:20:00.100
because

1194
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.400
Cause that's where the power of the faith is to choose.

1195
01:20:02.400 --> 01:20:04.320
Anything else won't work.

1196
01:20:08.840 --> 01:20:09.440
Thank you.

1197
01:20:11.120 --> 01:20:12.400
That is very, very helpful.

1198
01:20:13.040 --> 01:20:13.880
Do you want to tell Ashley?

1199
01:20:13.880 --> 01:20:14.320
Bye.

1200
01:20:16.280 --> 01:20:17.640
Good to see you, Betty.

1201
01:20:23.360 --> 01:20:24.840
Thank you very, very much.

1202
01:20:24.920 --> 01:20:25.960
I really appreciate it.

1203
01:20:26.680 --> 01:20:27.280
You're welcome.

1204
01:20:27.280 --> 01:20:28.200
Good to talk to you, Carrie.

1205
01:20:28.200 --> 01:20:29.200
Thanks for reaching out.

1206
01:20:29.720 --> 01:20:30.120
Yes.

1207
01:20:30.120 --> 01:20:30.520
Okay.

1208
01:20:30.640 --> 01:20:31.200
Love you.

1209
01:20:31.440 --> 01:20:31.960
Bye.

1210
01:20:31.960 --> 01:20:32.800
Love you too.