Hi.
How are you.
Good to see you. I'm doing okay. Yeah.
Good.
You're back in your old house.
Yeah.
Stripe your hair stripes.
It's a, yeah.
So I did the highlights and yesterday,
but they're lighter than I'm used to.
But of course.
Hairdresser because I have moved to South Carolina and, you know,
when I got married to my husband.
And so anyway, I had to move my hairdresser.
So anyway, yesterday was the first time that he did my hair.
And he did it yesterday.
And I like it. You can tell, you can tell. Yeah.
It's a big difference.
Also though,
I think it's also one of those things where it'll tone down a bit if I
wash it. So I haven't washed it since he did it yesterday.
And, and anyway, and then, you know,
how it is that you always have your own way of doing your hair.
So that.
Yeah.
And I think I like it better than what I had.
I really like what he did.
And he followed the original guy's directions because my other
hairdresser gave him the formula, you know,
the color formula and said what he did.
And so he did a really good job.
He just added more lightness around the face that I'm used to.
So it just light.
We all up, but I think it'll tone down when I, when I wash it.
Yeah.
Well, there's that too.
But he also did a bit of a, a much lighter streak, like, right.
Which is fascinating. But I think that.
I think that the way that I do my hair,
cause I was doing my hair and kind of like this swoop up top.
Cause I'm from Texas.
Oh, yeah.
Volume.
That's what you're known for.
Yes, that's right. We say that.
Yeah.
So I'm going to mess around a little bit, but it's really sweet.
I know other women notice like, Oh, you changed your hair.
I did other guys, guys have no idea. They're like,
Yeah.
Different.
Yeah.
So how have you been?
I've been.
All right.
Yeah.
I've been to, I've been home on vacation with my family.
I've.
Tried to take in.
I don't know.
What have I done? Like, well, I spent time with God.
Kind of.
Yeah.
Saying how it really is. And also confess and belief, I guess.
And trying to find out what's in my heart.
Like what's really there when you're really honest with yourself and
God. So that was really good. And just seeing.
I don't know.
What's in my heart.
And also, I guess like a lot of unbelief.
So it was just good to get that out.
And talk to him about it.
And also.
Listening to your teaching and trying to make it like fall into
place.
And trying to grasp what I can understand.
And.
That's that's great. That's really important.
And what I feel, I feel like there's something happening.
But I can't really.
Put into words what it is that's happening.
My sister tried to ask me.
on. And I couldn't really, and I just started to notice that I was starting to react a bit
different. And I think it is a process of many things coming into place. Like I listened,
I bought your foundation series this summer. Oh, yes. Yes. So I listened to I think the 16 of 17
videos. Okay. Oh, all right. Yes. Okay. And now I already started to, and I listened to
Lindsay Vance's podcast. And also, it's been like, I've been in such a big crisis in my own
life for various reasons. So I feel it's, it's, it's like, I feel like I've been through an
operation. And now I'm and now the storm has kind of passed like the worst, but you're kind of left
with a lot of a lot of good things that God did. There are a lot of things that are messy or
painful and hurtful. Yeah. And I know it's a process of God giving me back what the devil
stole from me, because he showed me that I'm going to give you back what the devil stole from
you. And like I explained to you yesterday, I felt like he gave me maybe like half I said,
and a lot more, but then the other half, like shame and condemnation and fear and
unbelief. Some of it is still there. Yeah. So but I'm starting also like unbelief is that
you feel like you've done everything and received everything you can and now you just have to live
with what you got. And you know that God gave you a lot. So it's not you can't blame him for not doing
anything because he has and you can't blame yourself because you believe you've done everything
you can and your power and I can't blame other people because I feel like I've always had people
in my life. So what is there left to do? Then you just have to find a way to live with it.
Yeah. And but now I am receiving hope that I so maybe I don't have to. But still there's things
like, you know, like the shame and a broken heart, like I mentioned to you last time over
relationship and the tinnitus, like the health issues. So there's still I don't know how to
so there's hope. But there's also a lot of things that are kind of broken. And yeah, yeah.
Um, a so whenever I share about things, it's always about how not to about not how to feel
better, but about how to actually get the result. Now, people will feel better that but the thing
is that it's about it's stuff that can feel hard, or feel simple, even though it's not hard. It's
just that it requires something of us. So we call it hard. And but the things that I talk about are
the things that actually will get the result. And the reason we haven't been getting the result is
that we haven't been doing these things. So I preface what I'm saying by saying that, what I'm
going to say by saying that, and that is that the fastest way God has everybody on their own journey,
you know, so you just ride the journey, you just ride the wave between you and the Lord,
the way that he is, and the way that he's taking you through it, because everyone's going to have
their own unique story. So I never want people to feel like when I tell them, Oh, by the way,
this is how I did it. And whatever, and this in this works, don't everyone want everyone to think
that they're that they're that they have to like fit themselves or confine themselves into this
particular box. Well, this is what happened with Ashley, this was Ashley's journey with the Lord,
etc, as if it's the only way to do it. But there, I want people that just get the principle
of what God took me through, and then allow God to apply those principles in his own unique way
in their life. So, but what, what was the one of the principles that I'll tell you that, that helps
us cross the thresholds, these difficult, painful thresholds, whether we're talking about like how
to get about inner healing, you know, healing from all of this, like you said, the storm is
passing, there's all this debris, like healing from that, you know, and how to have faith and
etc. The fastest way to do
that is actually to just let go of all of these things that we're holding before the Lord of like,
Lord, I want, you know, the healing or Lord, there's this pain in my life. Don't you remember
this pain and this pain has all of it has my attention and I'm holding it before you and Lord,
I want this for you from you. And Lord, you had told me that I could, that you'd made this promise
to me or, or sometimes it's things like even, um, areas of like, I don't know, shame and
condemnation. There's all of these things that we're focusing our mind on and whatever it is
that we focus our mind or our heart towards is, um, is what we're giving obviously the most
attention to. And therefore it's what we're choosing for ourselves is the most valuable.
So we have good. So what God wants us to do is to choose him to be the most valuable thing to us.
But if it's not him that we're focusing on, and it's all of these things that we're holding before
him that we're focusing on, then it's, then we're, we we've, um, we're putting it says wherever your,
um, uh, wherever your heart is, it were your, what is, how, how does that, um, how does that
verse go? Um, where your, where your treasure is there. Yeah. So in other words, we're whatever
we're focusing on all of these things. And what we think that we're doing is we think that we're
paying attention to them and holding them before the Lord. And so therefore that's a godly posture,
a godly position from which he'll realize this is very, very important to us and he'll, he'll
heal it or he'll meet it. And really what he wants, what's happening is that in a manner of speaking,
we're idolizing it, or we're treasuring it, or we're valuing it more than him.
So the fastest way to get healing in all of those areas and across major spiritual maturity
thresholds and began to get more spiritually mature in certain areas, like say for instance,
you know, having more faith in him, believe, you know, that kind of thing is actually to let all
of those things go. And so we, in other words, we stop holding them before the Lord in the way that
we've been holding them before him, which is actually a manner of like accusation of Lord.
I've been holding this before you, why haven't you done anything yet? Or aren't we going to do
something about this? Or what do you want me to do about this? Or, you know, it's just there's
this desperation, this urgency. And, and unfortunately, so much of that is actually
from a place of accusation and unbelief. Even though we haven't recognized it like that,
we thought this desperation was just simply us pursuing and believing that God said that we
shouldn't have to have this. And so we're desperately holding it before the Lord in belief
that he's going to take it away. We've, we've, we've, as weird as it sounds, we've tricked
ourselves into thinking that what we're doing and being so desperate is actually a godly posture
that he encourages us to do. And he's just like, no, no, no. In there. The reason that you are so
desperate. And the reason that you're in so much pain is you don't believe me. You, it's an
accusation and you love it. And you're wanting resolution and, and reconciliation of it more
than me. So what I'm asking you to do is give up this and choose me. And when we do that,
because we choose him, it's in choosing him. It's in being more immersed into him. It's in
being more intimate with him, that this other thing gets resolved. It's resolved as a residual
effect of the fact that for lack of a better phrase or absorbed more and more into the Lord.
So the way that we get that aspect healed is to let it go, let go of it ever being healed.
I do not mean that we give up hope. No striving in us that hope is the good thing, but that
striving in us of like that desperateness in which we're holding something to the Lord.
There's an element in there that actually is accusation. And, and, and so sometimes because
we can't separate holding it before the Lord from the accusation, that's also mixed up in there.
We have to abandon the whole thing.
in order to get rid of the accusation, uh, even though there are some good things in there as
well, if we can't separate them and hold them before the Lord without the accusation, you just,
what I do is I just dumped the whole thing to get rid of the accusation. And I am telling you what
that is when God moves. And, um, it, but because we've chosen him over the healing,
I don't mean like, we're like, Oh no God. So, so here's another way that this will kind of like
manifest itself, which gets us very confused. Um, I mean, which anyway, um, gets us thinking
that we're doing something, uh, godly. And, uh, that is where we're, um, well, I don't know how
to explain that. I know I'm going to have to think about that in order to, uh, figure out how to
articulate it. Cause well, that's one of the things that the Lord has done is, you know, it's
all well and good if one has experienced certain things, but then you have to, in order to help
someone else, you have to be able to articulate it. So you have to think about how to articulate
what I was going to say. But anyway, um, is, uh, the, it's almost like choosing God instead of the
answer. And one of the ways would he first introduced that idea to me was when it was about
10 years ago. Um, yeah, it was 10 years ago. I was, I had an opportunity to go on a mission trip
and I couldn't tell if God was telling me I could go or not. And I agonized about it. Like in my
spirit, I literally was in agony trying to figure out whether or not he was telling me to go because
I didn't want to disobey. And, and what he told me was, and he told me this to other people who
didn't know what it was that I was asking the Lord about. I just went to them for prayer and they
said, God is telling us to tell you to, to seek him and not the answer from him. He wants to be
sought for himself and not the answer. And so it's like, well, that's a novel idea and it makes
sense. So anyway, so I did that and I released God ever giving me the answer and, and within,
I don't know, maybe, maybe 60 seconds, he gave me the answer, but it was only after I completely
gave it up. Yeah. Yeah. And yes, I went. And that's what he told me. He said, Ashley, I,
I actually have been telling you, but you couldn't, you couldn't hear me. Yeah. I've been
telling you this whole time and you couldn't hear me. So now that you've released the, it released
having, getting the answer from me now, because you're in a way you're no longer emotionally,
you're no longer emotionally tied to the outcome. In other words, am I going to tell you to go or
not tell you to go? And do you like that? I answered, do you not like that answer? Now that
you're emotionally disconnected from the outcome, you can hear me more clearly. It's hard for you
to hear me. If you're emotionally invested in it and say, you have to release it and choose me
not doing the mission trip and not even obeying me. You have to choose me over obeying me
Hmm. As weird as that sounds, because there's so much of a connection that we make
of, uh, between ours, ourselves and obedience. And the fact that we continue to see that as a,
uh, some way in which we're making payment to God, some way in which we're performing in response to
him is obedience. Okay. God, I'm just here to, you know, just do whatever it is you want me to do.
And obedience is very important, but unfortunately we've approached it from the wrong spirit,
from the wrong. Yeah. From the wrong perspective, we've approached it's obedience. So often not
from the place of, well, obviously I'm his son. And so naturally I just want to obey him because
that's just what I do. What we've been doing is Lord, I so badly want to please you. I so badly
want to do the right thing. And so often there's an element of performance in there that God wants
to separate us from. So that's why I say we have to choose him even over. We have to value him
more than we value being able to obey him because sometimes we see obedience as his way of,
as our way of getting his approval. We have to choose. We have that we have this approval.
And in, in that it's absolutely disconnected from whether or not we're obeying him. And then
we have, we rest in and the, uh, well, there's another word.
I can't think of the word, but we just rest in the rest of being a son.
And then we'll naturally obey him.
So God's not concerned when we give up all of these things, like when we release
all these things, like we choose him over, over trying so hard to obey him.
And we choose him over getting an answer like, Lord, what do you want me to do next?
Or we choose him over the healing or whatever.
He's not concerned about how all of these other things are going to happen.
Like, well, if you give up obeying me, that means you're just
never going to obey me again.
Or you're, you know, or you're not going to, if you give up loving,
trying so hard to love me, that my word, that means that you're not
going to love me or you're, you're not going to get healing or you're
giving up ever getting an answer.
That's not the case.
It's that we're just simply choosing that he's more valuable
to us than these, than these things.
And so we're going to let these things go.
And by choosing him, he's going to, um, from that natural.
Relationship and connection with him and having chosen him as the first
and foremost thing in our life, everything else will take care of
itself because the, the resolution and the outcome of everything in our
life, including our obedience to him, you know, et cetera, naturally
flows from our union with him.
So we have to choose our union with him in order to get these things, what it
is that they need to actually happen, which is for us to be able to have
the clarity to get an answer for us to, uh, you know, um, uh, obey him
from just the fact that we're just naturally his son and we naturally
want to obey him, um, that we receive inner healing, that we receive
physical healing, you know, whatever, all of that naturally flows very
effortlessly from the union.
But if we don't choose union first and we choose these, we have
to work really hard for them.
Even really hard and like pestering the Lord about them.
And then I'm trying to look up a Bible verse really quick.
See, I think it's, um, that talks about this, that talks about faith and what
we're supposed to have faith in.
So, you know, Hebrews is, you know, the faith book and then Hebrews 11, I
think it's yeah, Hebrews 11, specifically, she knows the hall of faith.
You know, we're talking about all of the different people.
And one of the things that he says is he says in Hebrews 11, six and without
faith, it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him, and
this is what's very important.
Anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those.
In other words, there's going to be an outcome.
He rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hmm.
So that's what we're supposed to focus on.
That's what, that's the basis of faith is God himself seeking God himself, not
seeking the fulfillment of his promises.
If we seek him seeking first, the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all
these things will be added into you.
And then of course, Hebrews 11, six, where it says he, that, and that he
rewards those who earnestly seek him.
You say, if we seek him, everything else comes out of that.
So it can be challenging to do that because, and this is what I held before
the Lord for so long.
I literally told the Lord this.
I said, Lord, this is when I was, I was in very deep depression.
I was going through such heartache and I told the Lord there, I felt like I'd
received a lot of rejection from, from a lot of people, including the Lord.
And that I don't know, I just been, I'd had all kinds of negative things
happen to me and it was just unfair.
And it was, and I told the Lord.
Um, and I was just holding a whole lot of resentment towards him.
And I was holding these things before the Lord, like, Lord, I
want you to make restitution.
I want you to fix this.
I want you to prove my innocence or whatever it was.
And, uh, and I knew that the Lord wanted me to let go of it.
And I, um, and I knew that I was in bondage by the fact that I wouldn't let
go of it and that I was just holding myself there, but I told the Lord, and
this was absolutely, this is really, really fascinating.
I found out all kinds of fascinating things about my own heart when I said
this, but I was very, um, but I always think it's very important to be honest
with the Lord because that helps us shift out of something faster and because
we face it in ourselves and we're honest with the Lord because he knows it anyway.
So we might as well be honest with it about it.
And that is, I told him, I said, Lord, I know that you're telling me.
to give this up, but I can't because it's valuable and to, and to release it and other,
and this is before God started teaching me about letting go and release and rest.
And so I'm not even using, I wasn't using those phrases in context with understanding
that if you let things go and if you shift into rest, well then, you know, if everything
flows from that, uh, this was just me just saying, Hey Lord, I know that you want me
to give it up, almost like forgive, forgive these people, forgive the Lord, you know,
forgive all of these things.
I told him, I said, Lord, if I, if I don't want to let these things go and I don't want
to forgive because then that means that they're not valuable, that, that the, and the, my
pain and what I experienced is valuable.
So I am going to hold onto them in order to give them the value and to honor the value
that they deserve.
That's how twisted that we can get.
And so that's how I was so twisted, you know, subconsciously and my approach to it.
Um, but I believe that God just gave me the words to articulate something that we all
struggle with.
And that's the fact that we don't want to give something up, you know, even like our,
our internal healing, um, you know, the fact that, you know, our innocence is, uh, be proved
or something that we're holding before the Lord, like some promise that he spoke over
us that he said he would fulfill.
And we haven't seen the fulfillment yet or physical healing or, you know, releasing our
soul from, from torment, you know, and feeling shamed or condemned or separated from him
or whatever it is that we're feeling that work that, um, believe that, that we have
a tendency to do what it is that I articulated to the Lord.
And that is, we don't, we feel that if we let it go, that we're saying that it wasn't
important and that what happened to us and the pain that we were going through wasn't
worth acknowledgement and it wasn't worth, um, uh, it, and by it not getting justice,
it lets the person or, or God or whatever that did this to us all Scott free.
And that I am not valuable.
And so it's like, no, I am valuable.
And what happened to me was wrong.
And so I'm going to hold onto it, even if God, because by letting it go, I'm just proving
that it wasn't valuable.
So anyway, that was my reasoning for continuing to hold onto it and to hold onto it against
the Lord.
So anyway, but it wasn't until I finally let go of all of those things.
Um, I don't know, two, three years later, I don't remember how much longer later, uh,
that I finally got healing and it finally got released.
And all of a sudden I took off like a rocket because I'd finally let all those things go.
But anyway, um, so I just say that, you know, just for, for what it's worth, just in case
anything resonates within you, but, um, that is the fastest way.
Now, one of the things that you can do practical things that you can do to start stepping into
that, to start like letting all of those things go is, um, is to just, you know, and in choosing
God over those things is, you know, choosing that, making a willful decision that he loves
you.
Thank you.
Willful decision that you are unconditionally accepted and that you have no shame and that
you have no condemnation, because those aren't things that you're going to naturally feel.
And those aren't things that are naturally going to make any sense to you.
Um, you're going to just, you, you have to actually choose, okay, if God said it,
then I am going to make it so by, well, just choosing that it's reality.
I'm going to decide that it's reality.
Now, God said it first, so you're not making it up, but you're going to, but when you decide
this thing, it feels like you're making up a new rule because as you look in your world,
you're like, I don't see evidence that that is real.
I don't see evidence that that actually is true, that he does love me unconditionally,
that he does love me to the depth that he says that he does.
Um, you know, because surely if he loved me, I wouldn't be in pain.
Surely if he loved me, if I am in pain, he'd, he'd show me how to fix it.
He'd give me the right doctor to show me what.
going on, he'd miraculously heal me.
He wouldn't have had me suffer for this and this long.
It would have, if I suffered for it, you know, just because sin is in the world
and that these things just happen.
Well, then God wouldn't have me suffer for it for a long time, especially if
I've been begging him to release me from it, surely he would answer my prayer.
So those are all the things that we say.
And so our world to us looks like it's proving the opposite of what God said.
So we have to choose that this thing that doesn't seem like reality at all, which
is, God says, I love you unconditionally.
I delight in you, um, you know, even in the midst of your pain and even in the
midst of me, not showing you how to get healing yet and all of this stuff.
I love you.
And for us, we feel like, no, that's a contradiction.
And we have to choose that.
It's not, so it's like, we're making up a brand new rule of something that doesn't
seem to exist in our world.
And as if we're living in denial of reality, and that feels very weird.
It feels like I'm living in to choose that God loves me to the
degree that he says that he does.
Those like, you know, I'm denying the reality of the world in which I live,
but it's that kind of, of choice that we have to make.
That's how it will feel.
That's the experience that, that we have.
And that is what faith is because faith is the substance of things hoped for,
but the evidence of things not seen.
So we're not seeing any evidence in our world, meaning like the things that are
happening to us, the experiences that you're having or whatever to like, and
I'm talking about the difficult things, like, you know, the pain and the, there's
all kinds of ways in which you're like, oh, it's very obvious.
God loves me.
But we're talking about the areas in which it's like, that get us to
question that God loves us.
Like, well, what about this?
And well, what about this?
And surely if you love me that you wouldn't have allowed this to happen, or
you wouldn't have allowed it to stay around this long or, you know, whatever.
And we have to choose that we have to choose what God said over understanding
and reconciling how this other could exist.
If what God said really is true, we have to let go of the reconciliation.
Go ahead.
I think, uh, uh, I think some of it, uh, I can recognize some of the things.
Uh, especially maybe when it comes to love.
Uh, I think I am surrendering and giving it up, but it comes back, I think.
So, or I don't know if that is that there's something in my heart that
doesn't really want to let it go.
Uh, but I feel like, um, uh, I think I, well, I am spending a lot of time giving
things up and releasing things to God, but then it kind of comes back.
And also it is like with the reality living in the reality, for example, with
tinnitus, I go through, uh, I go to private clinic and I receive help, but
then if I believe that I am healed by the stripes, uh, Jesus stripes on what
he did on the cross, it's, it's like, I think so.
Yeah.
So on the one side, it's like, I am releasing things and letting things go.
And, um, I don't think, but I don't know why it's coming back.
Uh, and the, on the other side, it's like, well, the things that I struggled to
believe, I still feel like I'm supposed to take care of them, right.
We're going to a clinic receiving help.
Uh, but, but then do I really believe that I will be healed because now I'm
getting help at a private clinic for this.
So I think, yeah, go ahead.
Thanks.
Like, and, uh, but I think there is issues in my heart deep down there where I don't
believe fully that he loves me or that he's good.
So then even though I do release things to him, I don't know if I take it back or
if it's, um, not fully.
Yeah, I don't know. And I know also that I put obedience very high because I know that
I use that against him quite a bit that Oh, but I did obey you and I did do what was right.
And I think that I see that that is sometimes it's you're actually kind of using it against
God, you know, and it's not. But then I think my problem is that I sometimes feel like I
am doing these things. And but then now when you're talking, I'm seeing, well, maybe sometimes
I do put a lot of effort in obeying and doing what's right. And then I can use it against
him when things don't go the way I want to. But I also feel like I am releasing a lot
and and like, I know that I'm not or I think I feel like I feel like I know that I'm not
entitled to anything. I can't like, claim anything. Okay, this this, you owe me this.
I know that that's not right. So then I want to freely give him everything all the things
that I feel are my rights, like the rights to be healthy, the right to, I don't know,
have like a healthy relationship. So I find the husband or the things be going well in
my job, like, but I think I am releasing these things, and still not seeing full freedom,
they keep coming back. Yeah, yes. And so that's why I recommend to people and it just feels so
so part of it feels very drastic to them. And part of it feels very disconnected from what
they keep trying to tell me. They're like, Yeah, but Ashley, there's, there's these situations,
or there's, and, you know, this is, this is what's going on, you know, at this time,
and at this time, and at this time, and, and, and what I what the rest intensive is all about.
In other words, the program is, is in what it requires is, it's just a complete change in our
operating system. It's like, I think what we talked about last time is if we've always been,
we've always been moving counterclockwise. And God says, Okay, now I want you to move clockwise.
So it's like, we still have families, and we still go to work, and we still whatever,
both in rest and before, you know, when we weren't operating in rest, we were operating in
strife and thinking everything was relying on us, and it was based on our performance, etc.
And it's, we still, quote, unquote, do the same things. But we now approach all of them from a
complete from, from a completely different perspective. In other words, we live life,
and we approach life from a completely different way. And so therefore, it's going to change all
those different areas, as opposed to us looking at specific areas, okay, what do I do here?
Okay, now what do I do about the family? Okay, now what do I do about my relationships? Okay,
what do I do about my healing? It's like, before we can even get into those, it's like,
the entire way from which we approach life has to be changed. And this will give you an idea of what
I'm talking about. And this is this is what changed everything for me. Literally, this is the
moment that everything that everything switched. It's as if kind of like on a kind of like on a
seesaw, or something like that, you have this point on which everything pivots. And that's
called the focal point. So this is the focal point. This is this is the thing on which everything
pivots is I told the Lord, I mean, I've just got so desperate, it's like you get to the absolute
end, you try all kinds of options, you get to the absolute end, and there's nothing left to try. And
so you just say, Okay, I, I, you know, I let go of all of these other other methods. And just like,
let's just get down to the nitty gritty of my existence. And let me make a declaration. And I
told the Lord, I said, God, I give up living my life. And how did I word it? I used to know exactly
remember exactly how I worded it even, you know, years later. And, but it was that I told him,
Lord, I
I give up. Oh, that's what it was. I completely give up my life.
Ever looking a particular way.
You can give me a husband. You not give me a husband. You can give me money, not give me money. My, my businesses can be successful. They cannot be successful. I completely give it up, meaning like I just, I just let it go.
I no longer hold before you that my life needs look a particular way.
But then why if that's really good, then what you.
Because I've done that. And I think, but then I've done that. And honestly, I think, but I don't know if I'm, but I just don't.
But then aren't you supposed to, because if God promises you something, aren't you supposed to pray, give it to God, talk to him about it fast.
Say for instance, like he said that I'm supposed to be healed, but then honestly, I give it up to God, because I, if he for some reason doesn't want to heal me, or doesn't do it and he is using my sickness for whatever purpose.
And I think I'm fine with that. And I think I feel like, and the same with like a husband, I feel like I've surrendered it many times. And a lot of times feel, okay, if you want, you have a purpose for me a single, that's fine.
But why do I feel like you tell me that you want to send me someone that feels like torture. You know what I mean, you're like, you're ready to give it up and you are giving it up, and the healing and then he feel like he's saying, Well, I want, I am going to give you a husband, I am going to heal you.
So then it feels like, well, I don't know how to live in that when I am willing to give it up. I don't have to have a husband. Yeah, I don't have to be healed. I think God can use me, he's used me my whole life.
Even the 20 years when I haven't been healed. I've seen like, he's used me probably more than he would if I was healed. For some reason, he's using the weakness in me. And again, he has to, like all has to be done through weakness and in faith. So like, he gets the glory.
And so I can see that. But then I don't know how to relate to. He's not telling me that I'm not going to be married and I'm not going to be healed. And like he said to him, Paul, he said, like, Paul asked for healing. And then he said, No, my grace is sufficient for you.
And then I don't feel God telling me that his grace is sufficient for me. I feel like he's promising me something. Yeah. How do I hold on to that? And that's why I'm, I think I'm, I'm kind of like, I am surrendering this, but then you're promising me something.
So then I want to be faithful in that and pray regularly and fast and bring it before you and ask you and contend for it, I guess is the right word, like contend for the healing, contend for what the promise is.
And then, so then I don't know, maybe then I haven't really surrendered it, or maybe it is like you mentioned in the beginning of our talk that it's like so muddled, that you need to just like surrender it all until you read, you can live in that kind of, you can start to discern and remove.
Yeah, yeah. Like full surrender. That's the right thing for the things that's promised. Yeah, that's, I don't know, you get what I'm saying? Oh, completely. Yeah. I was just trying to think, okay, how do I purchase this? Because there's multiple things that I could say. Yeah.
So one of the things is that, so just really quick, just so that we have it just kind of like wrapped up. What I finished that prayer with was what I completely give up my life. I completely give up having any kind of a particular life.
You know, I release, you can do, you can have it look however you want. I completely release it looking like anything in particular, you get to decide that. And then I said, what I choose, Lord, and what I asked you for is no longer that I have a particular lifestyle, but that one way or another.
I said, you can keep me here where I currently am and for the rest of my life. And I currently none of my, none of my businesses were working. My relationships, my deepest relationships were on the rocks. And then, and I had no money. I'm like, I was having to trust the Lord for food and no one knew. So anyway, it was all very, very quick.
I told the Lord, Lord, you can, you could have me live like this for the rest of my
life.
If you want, I give up asking, uh, holding before you that I have a particular lifestyle
or whatever.
And instead, Lord, I choose that you are who you say that you are.
And I don't know who that is yet.
And I just ask that whoever that is, could you manifest that into my life?
In other words, you say that you're good.
You say that you're righteous.
You say you're holy.
You say that you're omnipotent.
You say that you're all of these things that your love, et cetera.
I ask that you manifest those things into my life and that my life reflect the fact
that you reflect your character.
Even if that means that you manifest in your goodness and your love means I experienced
pain and discomfort case in point, Jesus, you know, for God so loved the world and God
loved Jesus and, you know, and look what happened to him.
Right.
So I told the Lord as that's what I choose.
I choose that you be who you are and that it manifests physically into my life.
And I don't get to decide what that looks like, what kind of a lifestyle that that then
gives me.
And that's what I choose.
So it was that kind of abandonment.
As far as like what you're talking about of like, I know there's there, there can be a
lot of confusion about that whole thing of like, well, wait a minute, you know, I mean,
I, I actually have a whole teaching just on this, um, on faith, uh, uh, and, and how we're
supposed to, um, um, have faith in the Lord when, when in light of unfulfilled promises,
if God has told us something and it hasn't happened yet, how do we carry that through?
Like, how do we carry faith through?
I don't mean, how do we make the thing happen?
I mean, how do we interact with the Lord in light of the fact that he's given a promise?
How do we now interact with them?
And, uh, like, do we contend and do we, you know, whatever.
And so one of the things that the Lord walked me through, which is what I teach is that
we release the promise.
We release God from ever from ever.
Um, how do I put that?
We, we don't take God's promise that he gave to us and now use it in accusation towards
him of God.
Why hasn't this happened yet?
And God, when is this going to happen?
God, you're the one who said, et cetera, et cetera.
And I didn't know about you, but it sounds like from what you've been saying that you
learned the same thing that I learned in church.
And that is that God gives us when God gives us promises, we're supposed to hold them before
him.
But the problem is the way that we have done it is an accusation.
It's only meant as from God to be a gift.
So what promises are is promises are pointing us towards the Lord.
I believe to see more of who it is to reveal more of who it is that he is so that we've
so that, and that we, it gives us a, a new revelation of who he is so that we value him
more and, um, and pour, pour more of ourselves into him, so to speak.
So in other words, think of the promises be like, okay, God's like, okay, I know how much
that this would mean to them in their world.
And I know how much I want to pour into them.
So based on their value system, I'm going to speak this promise to them.
Like, Hey, I'm going to heal you.
I'm going to give you a husband.
I'm going to, you know, whatever, you know, whatever the promises and we greatly value
those things.
And what we have a tendency to do is we tend to now look at the gift and think, oh my word,
this is so exciting.
Thank you so much for giving me the gift.
Why hasn't it happened yet?
You know, not immediately, but after a while, you know, at first we're like, oh, this is
so exciting.
Thank you to that.
But if, if, if it's taken a while, sometimes in order for the thing to be fulfilled, we're
like, well, God, you know, you feel like you're teasing me because I was fine giving it up,
but now you've told me to expect it.
Yes.
So now I have hope.
Why aren't you doing it yet?
And what God wants us to do is better off with just abandoning it.
Yes.
It feels like, yeah, like a teasing or it feels like, do you like me being in pain because
I'm willing to give up my husband.
I'm willing to give up healing.
I'm willing to give up all these things and money and finances.
I don't, but it feels like he is habituating and I'm like, I was fine giving, I was fine
being single and now I don't feel fine being single.
single because you promised it.
I know, but you said it.
Yeah, like why would you promise something
and then it feels like you're being teased,
you're being a fool, like fooled.
And you feel kind of like an expectation
that you didn't have before.
And also like, does he like me being in pain,
like with a mental pain that I've gone through?
Does he enjoy, is it like my suffering in it
and waiting that just brings so much freedom
to other people around me and the testimony that I have
of going through pain and clinging to Jesus through it is.
So it's like, if you feel like you're chasing your tail
and you're kind of like, so then it must be the pain
that's so valuable to him that he wants me to be in it
that one day I will be healed.
But like, why is it this?
Or that he rejoices in me being dependent on him
and him being my husband
and the pain that I'm feeling in it.
Like for some reason that is my accusation
that comes up against God.
Does he like, does he enjoy my pain?
Or he, like of course, obviously with Christ,
he used it for our freedom.
Yeah.
And I don't even know why it is that
when I'm totally honest and I come before the Lord
and I take away all the layers of, you know,
being a good church girl, like you're talking about
and being obedient.
I'm like, why do you want me to be in pain?
Well, do you rejoice in my pain?
That's like my raw question to God.
Oh yeah.
I almost walked away from God
and didn't believe he existed
because that is exactly what I believed.
Really?
I believed God was trying to kill me for his glory.
I'm not kidding.
That's what it feels like.
That's exactly what I told him.
And so I think it was about 12 years ago,
I almost walked away from the Lord
because I couldn't believe that he,
I was questioning whether or not he existed.
And this is someone that's been saved since they were four.
I was baptized in spirit when I was seven.
I spoke in tongues when I was seven.
And then I was baptized in water when I was nine.
I mean, I grew up as a missionary kid.
You know, I was immersed in this stuff
and I focused on him and everybody knew
that that was a hallmark of who Ashley was,
was Ashley is very serious about the Lord
ever since I was a little girl.
So someone who's immersed in this got to the point
where when I was like at 23, 22, 23,
where I almost, wow, so that was longer ago than I thought.
Anyway, where I almost walked away from the Lord
because I didn't know if he existed
because this was my experience with him was,
God, are you trying to kill me?
So if you are, do you even exist
because that doesn't sound right?
Or are you even good?
So anyway, when I was, when I went through that-
It feels like hate.
Yes, yeah.
Do you hate me?
Yeah, exactly.
That's what I can throw at him sometimes.
I'm like, do you hate me?
Correct, yeah.
So what happened is I chose,
I made the ultimate decision.
Fascinatingly, I've never realized this.
Back then, I thought, okay,
so if I walk away from the Lord
because I don't believe he exists,
then I can live however I want.
I can now do all of these sinful things
that all these other people seem to have fun doing,
but I wouldn't let myself do because God existed.
But if he doesn't exist, I could just live life like that.
Or if he does exist, I could still choose that
because he seems to hate me.
So what do I choose?
And, but really the first thing was I had to decide,
well, do I believe that he exists?
And I realized I was so mad at him,
so mad that I refused to let my anger at him go.
And I thought, okay, so apparently I believe he exists
because I'm refusing,
because you can't be mad at someone who doesn't exist.
So I thought, if I'm absolutely refusing
to let him off the hook, it means I believe he exists.
And you believe him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like, okay, so apparently I believe he exists,
so now that I believe he exists,
I don't follow him or not.
And I decided, even if God is trying to kill me,
even if he's evil, and I told, and I, and I literally,
even if he's evil, I can't not follow him
because I can't imagine if God exists,
if there is a God out there that exists,
however it is that he exists, whatever it is he looks like,
whatever it is he's like, I, how could you not follow him?
And so I was like, okay, God, I submit myself then to you.
And I told him, I said,
said, Lord, I don't know who you are.
And in fact, he told me that he said, cause so after I chose him, I said, okay,
God, even if you, even if you, um, are trying to kill me, I literally told him
that even if you're trying to kill me, I will follow you for the rest of my life.
And then he told me, he said, okay, Ashley, you said you've chosen me.
He said, you've chosen me without even knowing if I'm good or evil.
He said, you don't know you thought you knew, but now everything's been ripped
out from under your, you know, your spiritual life and you don't know what's
up and what's down anymore.
We're going to start, he didn't word it like this, but I'm just saying this
because basically like, we're going to start all over.
He said, I am going to now reveal to you that I'm good and that I'm love.
And so for the next several years, he began to reveal to me that he was good.
So I no longer question that.
I mean, I never question whether or not God is good, that he had to take me
through several years in which that is what he focused on, but I still didn't.
You want it?
Even if you didn't get what you wanted, he showed you that he was, I had to
decide, he began to, he began to reveal to me who it is that he was, where I
could see that and choose that completely disassociated from my experiences.
And that's what I wasn't.
That's why I was confused up to that point.
I was like, how could God be good?
He might even be evil because I was, I was, I was identifying
him according to my experiences.
Like in other words, okay, well, if God's good, then he'll manifest like this.
And when it, because that wasn't happening, I was like, then God must be evil.
And anyway, so I was connecting my understanding and my, and my belief
in his goodness off of my experiences.
And so he began over those nexus.
Once I finally chose that, okay, I don't even know if you're evil and I
choose you anyway, once I completely let go of the manifestation and chose
him regardless of the manifestation, then he's like, okay, now I can reveal to you.
Now I can reveal to you who it is that I am now that you're no longer holding
me to a particular standard and you're letting me define myself.
I'm like, okay.
So anyway, it took several years.
He revealed to me that he was good.
So I no longer question that.
But then he had to reveal to me over the next several years.
He's still working on it with me.
That he's love.
I believe a lot more that he's love.
And I, and that's why I teach what I teach.
I can, but I still, I still am having to move into deeper understanding
that he's loved because I still have so much in me that just doesn't feel loved.
You know, we're still working through all of that, but anyway, so.
Um, it was, uh, he just like, Hey, let's just start all over.
So I just tell you that story, you know, not trying to like tell you my story
instead of letting you tell me yours.
It's just to help you know, I do understand.
And so when I'm telling you these things, they're in light of having
faced that, um, faced those questions and held them in accusation against the Lord.
And then when I made the desperate choice of giving up the lifestyle, giving up my,
my, um, uh, giving up defining God by my experience, this is what happened.
It's that powerful to give it up at that root level literally changes everything,
but we actually have to give it up.
But the other thing that I was going to say about the, you know, the faith thing,
like holding these things before the Lord, et cetera, is what I believe that he's
doing, this is, this is just my personal, this is my personal belief.
This is how, what I believe that the Lord taught me.
And this is how I live my life with him.
And I'm telling you what it's, it's like when I've done this, things start moving
like things that are stuck, finally get unstuck.
And that is when I give up the, give up the promise.
So you were talking about the pain, that pain that we keep thinking, well, God,
you know, are you giving me these promises and then not fulfilling them
in order to teach me patience in order to teach me dependence on you?
You know, or do you delight in and value my pain is if my pain is something that
I'm giving you as some currency that you require in order to give me the thing I
want, I just have to be in enough pain for enough amount of time until the,
until I've earned the promise.
And, and so that's how we can feel, but the reason that we feel that way,
because we don't have to feel that way.
The reason that we feel that way is because we've held onto the promise.
We grabbed the promise.
He, he, he showed it to us and we claimed it.
And what we have to do is we just have to let God, you know, just put it in our
in our hands, you know, like a phone or whatever, we just put it in our hands and say, Hey, by the
way, this is what I plan to fulfill. Like, Oh, this is really great. And so we can, but we keep
our hands open. We don't claim it. We just let it sit there like, okay, because with the word comes
literally everything that the word needs in order for it to be fulfilled. So we don't have to do
anything. We come into agreement with the Lord that if he says it's going to happen, it's going
to happen. And so we hold that we can hold that before the Lord, but what we actually, but we,
but we need to not how it is that we're claiming this, so to speak, partly comes from us looking
at it all the time. And now we've chosen it. Now we've taken our eyes off the Lord. And now we're
like, God, you said, God, you said, God, you said, instead of, Oh my word, Lord, you know,
him giving us something. And he's like, look, look, I love you this much. Isn't that's exciting.
Instead of, instead of focusing on him, we're like, Oh my word, I just love it. Instead. He's
like, no, no, no. You know, we need to look at him and be like, Oh my word, you are that good.
You would love me this much that you see that our eyes are now on him. And we're now,
and we now use the promise to help us understand and to see, and to connect more with who God
really is. It's now revealed more of his love to us. He's like, look, I love you this much.
Look this, you want to know who I am? This is who I am. Oh my word. That's who you are.
You know, and we, we need to focus on him, not on this thing, because otherwise if we're focusing
on this thing and we're like, Oh, this is wonderful. Yes. I really do want this. Why
haven't you done it yet? You know, but in that brings a lot of pain, but if we, but God's purposes
in giving us promises is to reveal more about himself. And it's actually to put even more of
our, I don't want to say like more of our attention on him. Cause we were supposed to
have always just had our attention on him anyway, but just to reveal more about himself so that we
now know him better. We now know him more. We're more deeply and more intimately connected with him
simply because he tried to communicate something about himself in a way that we could understand
because we want this thing. And God said, Hey, I want to do this for you. We're like, Oh my word.
That's who you are. You're a being that loves me that much. You've, you know, because he's
basically just trying to speak our language. He's like, okay, what'll make sense to them?
This, this will make sense to them. And so, but he's trying to tell us something about him,
not try to accomplish something in our life.
So the pain comes from choosing the promise over God. In other words, in other words, you know,
just Lord, yes, I want this and focusing on what it is that we want. And then holding it
an accusation against the Lord by, by saying, God, you're the one who said I was fine.
You know, I'd given it up, giving it up. Doesn't mean that we need to, um, that we need to give
it up. Like, Oh, I don't want it to happen. Giving it up simply means that we're holding
onto it and we need to, we need to stop holding onto it. That's what giving it up means. Cause
that means that God can take it or give it or take it or give it. And we're no longer in control.
We release giving, we release being in control. We release requiring of God that it happened
or making it happen ourselves. We just always stand with an open hand before the Lord where
he can do whatever it is that he wants. And we delight in and rejoice and interact with the
thing, you know, when God gives it. So it's not like we're associated from it, but we don't claim
it and we don't choose it instead of him. We never ever hold on to anything that God gives us.
Um, my, my husband and I have been talking, um, you know, a lot about this, about different things
that the Lord has given us and the importance that when it comes to us to just enjoy it for
the gift that it is without claiming it, because we're so used to interacting with gifts as if we
have, as if they're ours and they're not ours. That's like, no, no, I just, I'm allowing you to,
you know, I'm allowing that to be part of your life right now. Just like Job said, the Lord
giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. We get to interact with it,
you know, while, while it's in our sphere, while it's in our season or whatever. And then when
the Lord removes it, he's always going to bring along something, something better. The way that
I describe it is, um, and I, and that you've probably heard me say this when it was in one of
the inner is rest, um, teaching, uh, I don't remember which session it was in.
Maybe it was the operating in the spirit, which I think it's like number
eight or number nine, something like that.
And we're, we're think of the spirit.
In other words, our interaction with the Lord, the, the, the, the movement of the
Lord's spirit through us, that, that, uh, manifests itself into the, into the
physical realm and all of a sudden things start happening, right?
So think of this flow of life through our existence is, you
know, spirit being like a river.
And it's important that we keep our hands in the river so that we can
experience so much more of the spirit because the water flows up and around
our fingers and over us and whatever we can experience so much more of the
river with our open hands, just allowing the river to come to, to flow around.
And, but that means that the river comes and then it goes.
But the river's not dry.
It more comes, the more it goes, we get to experience so much more of the Lord
and spirit and life by keeping hands open.
But if we, if we decide that we like a particular part so much and we don't
want it to go away, we'll try to hold on to it, but the, that the painful thing
is not only does it stop up our ability to experience more of the spirit because
because spirit always has to continue to move.
It can't ever be stopped.
If it stops, it dies and there's no sin.
And then, so, so anyway, in order for spirit to continue to be spirit, it has
to allow, to be, it has to be, has to be allowed to continually move.
So anyway, we have to, we have to continue to keep our hands open.
So if we stop, if we try to stop it by holding on to something that
we don't want it to change, we have to realize that it becomes in a manner of
speaking, it's, it's no longer spirit and it dies and therefore we don't even
get to have any more, what it is that we didn't want to lose because we
grabbed a hold of it and stopped it.
And then just like water, you know, you grab a hold of it and then it's
eventually, you know, when you, you know, grab a hold of the water and
take your, your hands out of the river, it eventually all washes out of your
hands and then the rest of it, just in the rest of the water evaporates.
So you lose it anyway.
So you literally cannot hold on to it.
It's like what Jim Elliott said.
He said, wise or blessed is the man.
I don't remember how he worded it that gives up what he cannot
keep to gain what he cannot lose.
We can't keep it anyway.
So we have to just continue to keep our hands open and God will just
allow things to come into our lives and out of our lives and into
our lives and out of our lives.
We literally will experience so much more of eternity and life and life
in our physical lives and in our soul and our spirit, we don't claim things.
So, but anyway, the thing is that when God gives us promises, it's just
to help us focus more on the one it's to tell us something and reveal to
us more about the promisor than the promise, the focus is not ever supposed
to be the promise it's always supposed to be what the promise is trying to
commute, what God is trying to communicate and giving the promise about himself.
So we, so we hear what he's trying to say.
He's trying to say something about himself.
He's not trying to tell us, oh, here's this promise.
Take my, take your eyes off of me and do something about this promise.
It was like, no, no, no, this is coming.
You can, you know, you can get excited about it.
You'd be hopeful.
You'd be expectant because it's who I am trying to communicate
something about myself to you.
So have faith in that.
So that's what we're supposed to have faith in.
So when it says that we're supposed to have promises, you know, in faith and
whatever, uh, that we're supposed to have faith and promises, it's not the promise.
It's not the manifestation that we're supposed to have faith in it's in who made
the promise that's where we're supposed to anchor our faith is that God is and
will continue to manifest himself, to be who he is, to the degree he says he is
that not that he will do what he said he will do, but that he is who he says that
he is, that is what we have faith in.
Now, obviously he's going to do what he says that we will do.
But the reason I kind of like divide those is because we tend to then focus on
the promise, like, Oh Lord, you said that you're going to do this.
Why aren't you doing it?
And God says, no, no, have faith that I am who, who I say that I am to the
degree I say that I am that, and then I, and then me being who I am, I will
manifest that that's what we focus on.
Um, but not focusing on that is where all the pain comes in.
I know this from personal experience and God, I was holding something before the
Lord for two years that he, that I thought.
But I had more confirmation that I had literally ever had a confirmation in my
life. I've never had so much confirmation. I was like, God, I thought you said this.
And, and he, I took it before him and, and, and I started giving up all of these
things related to it. And finally, you know, the last thing that he told me to
give up, he said, Ashley, give up the promise that I, that you say that you
believe that I made to you. In fact, the way he worded it, I think, or the way
that I heard it, I could have heard him wrong was give up the promise that, that,
um, that you believe that I made to you, that that thing was going to happen.
I was like, yeah, but God, I thought that's what I was supposed to not ever
give up. In other words, that I was, that that was that, um, that, that was
mean, like not believing you. It's like, no, you're holding onto it. You're
claiming it and you're holding it an accusation against me. He was like, you
still believe me. You can, you can still believe that I'll accomplish whatever it
is that I want to accomplish, but give up your right to that promise. He's like,
I didn't give it to you to claim.
Well, he didn't word that to me, but I've learned since that. Yeah. Yeah.
I didn't give it to you to claim as yours. I spoke that into existence and I,
and I need, and then that needs to happen, but you need to have your hands
out and then you get to experience it. I didn't declare the promise in order for
you to claim it as yours. So it's like, oh my word, how fascinating. So anyway.
Yeah. So hopefully that'll help. But like I said, if you, oh, wow, we're past
time that, um, uh, that. So, you know, um, you can, you can focus on things like
that, about like, you know, things that you are and release different things. So
Lord, you know, about like promises and et cetera, you know, and, um, and then
also just remember that it's, that really what everything comes down to is
completely changing our approach to life because we're choosing God and who he is
without knowing yet who he is. Y'all know what the Bible says, the Bible says he's
this also sees that. And then that still doesn't help us to believe it. Our lives
are manifesting the fact that we just don't believe it. We still struggle believing
that God loves us. It's still trouble believing God's good, you know, and
whatever. So we just release all of that. And we're like, okay, God, you, as a
being, I ask that you reveal to me who it is that you are. And I choose you being
who you are into my life. And I release my life looking any particular way. And
you have to make that willful and really deep down at the root of your existence
choice that, um, that, that, that, that you choose him over a lifestyle and him
over how he manifests himself. And then that is literally the foundation and the
root of everything else. And then it's then, after making that kind of a
decision, and that kind of switch, because it's like changing the flow, it's
instead, instead of working counterclockwise, you're now working
clockwise. When you finally do that, then it's from that point that, that people
can finally start talking about and addressing things like, okay, what about
how to do this in this area and how to apply faith in this area, etc. But to try
to handle the these, these surface level, more surface level issues when the root
issue is still operating and that there's not the word operating system in
place, the other won't work. And it can feel like you're always fighting
yourself. Yeah, everything's always hard. The operating system that's fueling all
of those things is still the old operating system. So it really is letting
all of this go, which feels terrifying, because it feels like if we let it go,
then it's not going to happen. Because that's what we were taught in school.
That's what we were taught by family. That's what we were taught by church. If
you let these things go, including if you let a promise of God go, well, then
you know that something he spoke over you, well, then it's not going to happen.
Because the only way it's going to happen is God says, you need to continue
to hold it before me and contend for it and whatever it's focused. Anyway, God
says, No, I want you to choose me, I will accomplish the thing that you choose
me. So anyway, but if you change the operating system, you will have what you
need for everything else to start flowing out of, of that new operating
system. And that is how we live life effortlessly. Because you're changing,
you're changing your operating system so that it's relying on God.
And focus completely on like Hebrews 11, six says, seeking him, not his
manifestation, not his promises, not his, the fulfillment of what he said was
going to happen, but you seek him.
And then from him, everything else is going to flow.
So does that make sense?
Yes.
Okay.
That's really good.
Yeah.
Very good.
Yeah.
So I promise you choosing him at root levels and you just seek him and you ask
him, okay, God, how do I choose you?
Who you are?
How did I, because I've explained to you in the best way that I could think of, you
know, at this time, how to articulate what it is that I had to do.
So you just asked the Lord personally between the two of you, how to do that
and how I teach you and then, and, um, and that's the, that's that, like I said,
that focal point on which everything else shifts, it completely changes the
flow from counterclockwise to clockwise.
But that root level is choosing him continually instead of the promise,
instead of the healing, instead of the, whatever, still do all of the other
stuff, you need to go to the clinic, still do the, whatever, et cetera, because
right now you're not, you're not trying to figure that part out between you and
the Lord right now, you're going down to the deep root from which everything
else flows.
So, yeah.
And then the other will be addressed later.
Yeah.
So was that helpful?
Yeah, very helpful.
I have, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was very helpful.
Okay.
Yeah.
And just like, that's actually what it is.
Not believing God is good.
Not believing that he loves me actually at some time, believing that he's evil,
that he hates me because of what you've experienced and kind of just to like the
whole operating system.
So of course on that, I am a perfect church girl.
So you do all these things, the right things and obedience and all these things
on there, but there's something deep down that just, yeah, the foundation.
Yeah.
Like, yeah.
Like the clockwork, like you're saying.
So that means that, so when it's still there, even though I obey God, I do all
these right things and I follow the Bible, blah, blah, blah, still when I get really
honest or life hits me or things doesn't happen, or I continue in pain, that's what
comes up.
And I'm like, what?
I don't believe you're evil.
I love you.
Well, I don't, of course you're not like this.
The Bible tells me, but then still it comes up.
It's like, am I, is this a different person?
I know.
It feels like, like this inside gut of you saying something and you're like, well,
that's not the way I live, but it's still there.
And then you end up in living in pain and you're living in strife and life is hard.
And yeah.
So the, so that's what all of this is all about.
You know, this program is about, or whatever it's getting down to the real thing of
what it is we really believe we all know what we should believe, but getting down
to the thing that getting down to actually making an intentional willful choice that
God is who he says that he is and revolving are focusing ourselves on it and revolving
our entire life around that focal point.
And so it's going down to that deep thing, because that is the real deep well from
which, um, from which we act, cause we always, always, always, always, always act
on what we truly believe whether or not we know what it is that we believe we always
act on it, whether or not we're conscious of it.
And, um, it just as an example, really quick before we go that, that, that, uh,
there's a, uh, someone worded it this way.
They said, belief is believing that, you know, that a tight rope walker can walk
someone across Niagara falls on a rope in a wheelbarrow belief is believing that,
Oh yeah, I know.
I, I know somebody can do that.
I know he's really good.
I've watched him do it before.
I know we can do it.
That's belief.
Trust is getting in the wheelbarrow being, and, you know, going to cry and, and being
allowed to, or, you know, being, allowing them to take you across, but rest and
faith is sleeping in the wheelbarrow as you go across.
Yeah.
So we can say that we believe something, all that we want, but if we're not acting
on it, we don't believe it.
Yeah.
So ultimately, and so it's getting down to that real true root of what it is.
What do we truly believe?
Because that is determining all of our actions.
Not.
what it is that we're, whatever it is that we believe is what we're actually in reality enslaved
to. Is it the Lord? Is it being a bond servant or is it, you know, are we a slave to, to sin,
which is the slave, which means unbelief sin is unbelief. So is it, um, are we a slave to
unbelief, but, um, but anyway, so I hope that that's helpful. And, um, uh, so what I'm going
to do, I wanted to give us a bit of more foundation of like having, I know that you've
already watched the innerest rest foundation series, but I'm, I'm going to go ahead and open
more up per week so that you can have more that, that you've already gone through. And we can spend
more of the time, um, applying, uh, you know, talking about the application over the next few
weeks. Um, so I realized by how things are kind of flowing and I noticed that in the other group as
well, I was like, okay. So there are certain things that I want. I just changed how I, where
I wanted to be focusing everybody on. So I thought, okay, let's get a lot of the teaching out of the
way first, so that we have a lot more foundation and stuff to work with when we're talking about
how to apply it, because there's so many questions that people are bringing in, you know, case in
point you, some of the questions that you're bringing up are things I'm like, okay, well,
yeah, we talk about that, but we don't talk about that until week five. And I'm like, okay,
I don't want that. I want to bring all of those teachings that sooner so that we can actually
have something to work with and then spend more of the time learning how to actually live those
things out. So, um, so anyway, I'll, I'll open up more of the teachings. Yeah. So I'll try to watch
at least two more until next time. Okay. Sure. Or what do you think? No, that's great. Yeah. Um,
I'm trying to think, uh, which one did you watch the one and two now? Okay. All right. So I'll,
um, I've three is up and I'll open at number four as well. Yeah. I'll watch those too. Okay.
All right. Well, sounds good to see. Bye.