WEBVTT

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I am trying to figure out why it's telling me my AirPods are connected and yet the sound

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is not coming through them.

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Oh, you can't hear me?

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I can, but it's not coming through the AirPods.

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Oh, just figure it out.

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Yeah.

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So I'm going to disconnect them and now I'm going to try to connect them again.

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Let's see if this will work.

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OK. Oh, that's oh, that's what the deal was.

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Maybe. OK.

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Let's see if this will work.

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Come on, come on.

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You can. I did it.

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It worked. Yes.

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Yeah. So you are now in my AirPods.

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Perfect. I'm not now in your ears.

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Yeah, they're now in my ears.

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How are you?

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I'm doing it all right.

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Really good to see you.

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Yes, it's good.

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Yeah, I'm getting to know you.

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And yeah, really good to see your face.

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Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's good to see you as well.

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Well, first of all, I greatly apologize for not getting back to you sooner on your

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question. I actually had it has been an extremely busy past several days with the

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rest intensive, like kind of like with everybody.

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Yeah. Because, you know, I'm in the community as well, meaning like we all go

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through this together and it's like all hell broke loose for all of us.

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Really? The past several days, it's kind of like we all got together and like, you

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know, I do I do journey sharing in the group in the where they have to post twice a

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week and they on updates on like where it is they are, like what their process has

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been like, you know, what they're thinking about, how they're going through things

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with the Lord, et cetera.

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And and all and everybody was saying it has really been a hard week.

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And I was like, me too.

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Anyway, so there were all of these questions like all at once.

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So I have not gotten to all of their questions either.

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So it's like I have a pile of questions that I just haven't been able to get through.

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So I greatly apologize.

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I am so sorry.

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But anyway, so that's OK.

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That's it's kind of good because or I'm challenged to kind of stand in it like

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alone because I was like, oh, what am I going to do?

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And I like but it's sometimes it's it's but I felt like I was a little bit

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challenging, but I handled it well.

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And then you're just like, OK, I'm sure there's something just happening.

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And then I think those kind of settings, it's good for me sometimes just to be

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part of in in situations like that.

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Yeah, well, that's that's really great of you to view it that way because it's

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actually true. That's actually what's going on.

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And that's what I was telling some people when I hadn't been able to get back to

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their questions either.

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And then the Lord just met them where they were.

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And I said, you know, I figured out after having done this for two and a half years

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that this is what happens when something happens, where someone's in a very

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difficult place and I can't get to them, quote, unquote, like as fast as I would

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want to be.

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And I always know, OK, whenever this has happened, if I just give it a bit of

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time, God ends up meeting them personally.

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And then they're able to develop that sense of that that faithfulness in his

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character for their own personal experience, that they're not alone as opposed

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to, oh, my goodness, what happens after the residence if and I don't have actually

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to call or whatever.

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It's like he establishes his own relationship with them personally in a way

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that makes them solidifies that he really is there, that they really are not

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abandoned by him, you know, et cetera.

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So that's what always ends up happening.

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And so I'm really glad that we're able.

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but you can notice that, so.

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Because I think that that is one of my issues,

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you know, the protection thing,

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and that you're alone and you're abandoned,

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and also that is one of my kind of accusations against God.

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Yeah, start coming at me, yeah.

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What's happening?

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You said that I could write, but can I not do it?

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And you feel shame.

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Maybe I shouldn't have written it.

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Maybe I wrote something wrong.

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You know, you get all these thoughts.

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You go through all of that.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then you're just like.

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You just have to stay in it and kind of just, I don't know.

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There was just, I just felt like it was,

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like I got through it somehow in like a, in a good way.

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Good, yeah, I'm sure you did.

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That's wonderful.

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Yeah.

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So what do you want to update me on?

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You know, where are you and everything?

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What would you like to talk about?

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Well, there's quite a few things

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that I've been going through this week.

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One of them is that I think I've gotten

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like quite a bit of, a little bit of fear.

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It's to do with, you know, you said there's coming up things

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and you need to abandon it, like reckless abandon.

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And the things that are coming up with different people

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are different things.

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And with me, I think it is maybe conservatism

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or like kind of like this set of belief

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that it's healthy, it's good, it's Bible-based,

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it's everything, but sometimes it can become a God in a way.

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And then you talked, we talked about last time,

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new wine and new wineskins.

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And I think, so then sometimes when I hear your teaching,

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I feel I can get stressed.

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I'm like, oh, is this biblically sound?

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You know, what if this is heresy?

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You know, there comes up like these fears.

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And I think God is bringing up kind of

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that I've relied a bit on a system.

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And just like, there are so many places

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they don't even have the Bible and they still follow Jesus

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and he really himself to them.

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And you can, and even the Bible and even conservatism

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or charismatic church or whatever can become a system

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and old wineskins become legalistic in a way.

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And then, so those fears have come up.

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And I think that's one of the things that I need to,

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I thought, oh my gosh, maybe I need to abandon the Bible.

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Oh, that's great, you know?

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And you know, all my best friends

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and those that have led me,

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I have really great teacher friends

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that are very biblically sound

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and they have helped me immensely in my walk with God.

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But maybe I need to let go of even some of their teaching

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because it's, some of it has become maybe stifling

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or like I can't receive God's love

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because of their teaching on the way that love

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has been taught very liberal and wrong the last 20 years.

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And then they've taught me something else

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which has brought freedom when I learned it.

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But now it's become kind of not,

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now you can see the fullness of God's love

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because I'm so focused on something that they taught me.

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Yeah, that makes sense.

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So that feels like reckless to just like,

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let go of the Bible,

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let go of the things that I've been taught

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and the things that I actually believe.

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Like, because it's not like I live it, I believe it.

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It's not like a thought.

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So it's part of who I am and that feels scary.

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And just like, okay, even if Ashley said something

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that wasn't that, even if it was something in this

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that wasn't a hundred percent something,

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the spirit in it is from God.

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God wants to use this in my life.

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And kind of how do I, I don't even know,

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surrender this or I don't know.

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So that has been one of the things.

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And the other thing was what I was writing

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was that I feel like I kind of hold on.

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Yeah, that's probably, I feel like I'm stuck.

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I don't know how to stop trying or try believing,

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try to be willing, try to give up, try to surrender.

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I don't even know how,

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because I think it's so ingrained in me

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since I was like a baby.

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As a baby, it was partly how I survived

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was to control things and to,

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and then it's a long story,

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but then it was about surviving.

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And when it's so part of my body and my soul

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that I don't know how to stop trying.

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I know everything about surrendering.

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I do it every day, but even that can become old wine skins if it's a controlled thing.

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Yeah, I don't know.

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Wow, very insightful, yeah.

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I don't know if you understand what I mean.

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Yeah, yeah.

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So it's like good things that has been good that might not be so good anymore,

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but then I don't know what to do.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So it's just mechanisms from childhood to handle life, to survive,

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to handle the things that happen and to, yeah.

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And also when I think I lost, when I lost my health 20 years ago,

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I think you were just falling and you're just grasping for something

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just to survive the pain and trauma you're in.

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Yeah, correct.

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And one of them was surrendering to God and releasing to God,

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but now it doesn't help because I'm stuck because it becomes almost like a religion.

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And I'm releasing, but I'm kind of take, either I take it back right away after,

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or I'm not actually releasing.

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I'm just saying it, but I'm not actually knowing how to fully let go of things.

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Yeah, yeah, that's very insightful.

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And that's usually what we do with the surrender is we think that surrender

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and is where we say, okay, God, you know, if this, you know, you're welcome to,

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you can come and take this from me.

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I'll give you permission to take this from me, you know,

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and we think that surrender and the surrender is actually, no, I'm going to put it down.

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I'm going to give it to you, allow you to be responsible for what happens.

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And I'm going to walk away.

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Like I'm going to take my hands off of it and I'm going to walk away.

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So I no longer have in a manner of speaking, I no longer have access to it.

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And that is full on surrender as opposed, which is, which is a lot harder because

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we feel like it's abandoning a baby.

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We feel like this is our precious thing that we've been taking care of.

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You know, this is our security.

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It's our safety.

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It's our, our, you know, our, whatever it is, you know, and we feel,

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and we we've tried so hard to protect it from all of the things that have come against it

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or tried to come against it.

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And what God says that he asked of us is he said, I want you to bring it to me.

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You voluntarily put it down, take your hands off and walk away.

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And that's terrifying to us because we feel that if God ends up not treating it in a way

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that makes us feel safe and that he did that and didn't handle it in the way that we've

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would want to, well, then we feel guilty for having abandoned our baby, you know, like,

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oh, well, we were trying to protect it and love it.

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And so, but we now are no longer have any control over it.

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And, and really it's, that's the whole thing is God says, no, you need to trust me with

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it.

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That no matter what I do with it, you're safe.

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As opposed to judging me based off of how I deal with it, you know, kind of like with

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Jesus, Jesus laid down his life to the Lord and he died.

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But after three days, God rose him again.

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So we have to be completely, we have to completely abandon it to the Lord where we put it down

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and we can't, uh, where we no longer hold him accountable to us for it.

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And, um, so in other words, we no longer hold it to God and we no longer, or hold God to

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it, like hold God accountable to accomplishing something in our life or enabling something

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to happen or to protect us or whatever.

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And meaning like protect us in the way that we think that we are, that we want to be protected.

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And we also release this, we release from holding this against God.

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So we at least release God from being accountable to us for how he, for interacting with it

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and for taking care of it or whatever it is that he does for it to it written relationship

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to it.

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We release God from holding him accountable for what it is that he does and how it is

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that he chooses to deal with it.

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And we also release, um, holding this against God, like God, why haven't you, you know,

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et cetera.

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So, um, anyway, uh, but as far as like, you know, you're talking about like, oh, I don't

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know if, my goodness, that I should be at the bottom.

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and all of that stuff, well, it's obviously our interpretation of the Bible that we have

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to reevaluate, is we have to allow God to reveal what he actually meant, as opposed

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to, in other words, allow our interpretation of it to be challenged.

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And I don't mean challenged by another person, challenged by presenting it to the spirit

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of the Lord and saying, okay, God, I worship you as a being, not the Bible, even though

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you spoke the Bible, and even though you gave the Bible to people, and even though it does

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speak your truth, the reason that it's special is that it expresses and came from you.

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So I choose you over the Bible and over my interpretation.

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That obviously, Lord, since you wrote the Bible, then the Bible is true, you know, etc.

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But Lord, I don't fully understand what you meant when you said da, da, da, da, da.

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Now I had been taught that it meant da, da, da, da, da, da.

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And that seems to be, Lord, contradictory to maybe things that you're, that I'm sensing

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that maybe you are inviting me to believe and inviting me into, in my spirit, more love

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and more freedom.

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So Lord, can you show me and open up the scriptures to reveal to me where you have written this,

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where you've written this truth, and to be able to see scripture through the eyes of

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the way that you meant it, more love, more freedom or whatever.

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So that, because, I mean, I teach what it is that I believe and how it is that I live

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all of this, but I don't believe that I, that everything that I believe now, whether or

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not it's everything I teach, or if it's like some of the stuff that I don't teach, I don't

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believe that everything that I believe is accurate, but I don't know which ones are

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and which ones aren't.

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I just trust, I just put myself, you know, in the Lord and like, okay, Lord, what is

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it that I believe that you and your spirit have revealed to me?

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And I am accountable to you to walk in what it is that I am believing in my, that you've

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been telling my spirit, I'm accountable for that.

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And then over time, the Lord says, and because the Lord's big enough for, for me to be mean

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to make mistakes.

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And then over time, you know, he'll reveal like parts of what it is that I've believed

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that aren't true, you know, you know, guide me into greater knowledge and understanding.

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So I'm very, I'm in teaching this, I'm responsible and accountable to him, there's this fly responsible

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and accountable to him for teaching other people this, I mean, I have a tremendous amount

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of responsibility that he holds me to, to him for that.

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But it started from the fact that this is what I believe, and this is how I live.

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And then I began to see God in it, meaning like, this is what I felt that he revealed

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to me in my spirit.

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And I began to walk in it, and I began to see it, and then I began to see it in scripture.

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And I'm like, and so anyway, but every single but that's my journey.

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And all I do is I just tell other people what it is that I believe what it is that I walk

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out.

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And then they need to need to take that and bounce that off in their own spirit, in their

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own relationship with the Lord to find out from the Lord, whether or not that is something

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that he tells their spirit is true, so that they can own it for themselves between them

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and the Lord, as opposed to you finding yourself yet again, and in this in another situation

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where, well, so I believe this, because so and so said it, and it makes sense.

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So you had believed that from other teachers, and you believe that it created some kind

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of a system, and kind of a belief system that you had depended on.

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Well, you don't want to give that up, only to trade it for what Ashley believes, because

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that could develop into its own system.

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So my point is,

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I'm thinking about that.

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Yeah, you're released to between you and the Lord.

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Yeah, I thought that that this is not a transition from what something I believe to what you're

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teaching, like to go from one teaching to another.

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Correct.

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I think that's why I struggle, because I think it's really easy, because part of human wants

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to rely on some other people before God, yeah, I think in us, you know, but I just don't

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know how to live in rest and do that and not.

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because obviously some of the things you're teaching I've never heard before so it is new

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to me and it is tempting to hold on to it and be like okay now I'm gonna now I'm gonna follow this

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now I'm gonna listen to this kind of teaching you know and then I know that that's not what

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God wants me to yeah but I just but since I don't feel like I've really entered rest or I don't

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fully understand because I'm still trying to understand I yeah I don't know what to do yeah

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well you what what I recommend to people is that they take these things and they listen to them

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with like listen to the teachings and all of that with their spirit open between them and the Lord

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not their heart open not their mind open like where they can receive anything but their spirit

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open to the Lord and very sensitive to the Holy Spirit like okay Holy Spirit can you reveal to me

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while I'm listening what is your truth you know so that you and one of the thing one of the

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indications is that when you hear something if life springs within you you're like okay that's

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the Lord you know the Lord's on that you know sometimes what we say in charismatic

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phraseology I'm like okay the Lord's on that and and then and and then just asking the Lord to just

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continue to reveal to you you know what is true and then taking these things and using them as

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prompts for conversation between you and him and and also some of these things like for instance

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some of the things that I'm talking about are things that you know from scripture are true

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like for instance the fact that he loves us the fact that we're one with him you know those are

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there's all of those bible verses that I referenced and whatever and you know so that people could own

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this and know where it is in scripture so that they can take it for themselves before the Lord

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and so it's looking at what did God say and how do I recklessly abandon myself to what he said

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even if I don't understand how that reconciles with all of these other things he said like he

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says he's loved but he also says he's wrath you know he says he's this but he also says he's that

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and they're not and then they're sometimes in not being able to reconcile two things that we

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that feel contradictory to us that is in scripture we can do one of two things we either don't pick

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either one we don't believe either one or we do make one we do make a choice and very often we'll

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pick what we what we think of as the like safer choice the thing that'll like cover ourselves

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better I wish I could get rid of this slide um but um wish that he would like be free outside

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um but uh um anyway the um oh shoot what was I saying um you either choose one of them or you

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thank you any of them yes so one of the ladies in the rest intensive um in the community group

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she's been struggling and with the fact and and so I was just talking to the lord about it going

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okay lord how do I help her understand how do I get through to her and all of a sudden I remembered

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what to what drastic degree that I had to go in order to have faith in god in some new things

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oh excuse me it is nine I know I know we're in the morning I know there's just plenty

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plenty late enough but can I have some coffee really quick oh sure get rid of the slide take

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coffee I know I don't sorry I'll be right back I just need to open the curtain and if I open

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the curtain maybe I'll find his way out there so I'll do that and go get him

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sorry about that I knocked something over okay so um uh oh yeah so I'm making a choice anyway

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what I what I what I had to do and what I told her and recommended to her to do because

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again reckless abandon she was just really struggling and she couldn't grab hold

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of this really great these really great and beautiful things that god had had um declared

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over her such as the you know in scripture such as the fact that she's loved unconditionally

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you know and that there's nothing left to do and stuff like that

336
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We all see that in scripture and yet we have a difficult time again,

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reconciling it with all this other stuff.

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Well, he also says to do these things.

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And he says without faith, it's impossible to please him.

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And you know, all of these things that feel contradictory to that.

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So I told her, as I said, what you have done is I said, you have done

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a really good job of grabbing a hold.

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There's, there's all of these weighty things.

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There's like the law.

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There's the, I got to do, you know, the commandment, you know, all of this stuff.

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I said, you grab the, there's that camp.

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And then there's all of these other things, you know, that

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God wants us to believe in.

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And we're still trying to understand all that, but we've chosen it.

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And then there's all of these other things that are all of the, you know,

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God loves you unconditionally, et cetera.

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And so these are all of the big, beautiful, freeing things that feel good.

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These are all of the things that, in other words, there's, there's

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love and freedom, and then here are all of the things that you need

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to do in order to be good, so to speak, in order to, that we think

356
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in our mind, this is what God requires in order for me to be good to him.

357
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Meaning like to do the good thing, et cetera.

358
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I said, so I told her, I said, what it is that you've done is because

359
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you couldn't reconcile the two and understand how God gives us these

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commands and he tells you to all of this, but he says, even if you

361
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don't do that, I still love you, et cetera.

362
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And because you've had a difficult time reconciling it, you abandoned this

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one to work really hard to make this one happen, I said, so it said, if

364
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you're having a difficult time believing God here, and it says that without

365
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faith, it's impossible to please God.

366
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In other words, there's that element of God asks you to believe something and

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you are, um, uh, you're, you're not obeying him because you're not

368
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believing this one, right?

369
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You believe in this one, but you're not believing this one.

370
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So I said, if you're struggling to believe this one while still believing

371
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this one, or in other words, not believing it, but like doing something

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with it, like, cause she was working really hard to be good.

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And she was so afraid that if she didn't like constantly think about it, that

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she wouldn't do the right thing.

375
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And so she always had to think about it.

376
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She always had to, to bear the weight and the heaviness and the fear of always

377
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making sure to do the right thing.

378
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So I said, if you can't reconcile them, abandon this one.

379
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And, and, and just focus on believing and standing in faith before God

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caught on this one and ask God, because she's the worried that, you know, okay,

381
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well, God says he loves me unconditionally, but I'm afraid that if I, that if I

382
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believe that he loves me unconditionally, that I won't be good, that I won't do

383
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good things that I won't do the right things that God says to do, that I won't

384
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be a good daughter or a good, a wife or a good, you know, whatever.

385
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And so I said, so what I recommend is I said, you're wanting to obey the Lord.

386
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So you're choosing to obey him by believing something that he said over

387
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here that you've never been able to believe.

388
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I said, so what I recommend is abandon focusing on this abandon.

389
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And revolving your whole life around trying and your whole, all day, every

390
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day, and your emotions and everything around you doing the right thing and

391
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you being good, et cetera, and ask God.

392
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If he would carry that weight for you for right now, that if he would

393
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ensure that you would be good, that you make the right decisions, that when

394
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you're presented with a, with a situation in a relationship that you make the right

395
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decision and you treat them well, you know, whatever I say, kind of like when

396
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you go bowling and a kid has those bumpers that are put, you know, so that

397
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his ball never goes in the gutter and then it just bounces off the gutters.

398
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And in other words, it always stays in the land.

399
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I said, ask God if he would carry this part for you right now.

400
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So that you can believe this.

401
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And then this, once you believe it, then, um, and that becomes more

402
00:29:21.360 --> 00:29:26.800
entrenched in you, then he'll reveal to you how this is, how this reckoned,

403
00:29:26.800 --> 00:29:32.120
how this over here, these truths should be appropriately interpreted and how

404
00:29:32.120 --> 00:29:38.040
they can be reconciled through the filter of, of believing that this is how good God

405
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is.

406
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But I said, you're having a hard time believing that God is good.

407
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If he's holding you up with hostage and an obligation to all these things, you

408
00:29:47.640 --> 00:29:52.240
know, so abandon this one in order to choose this one and ask God, okay, God,

409
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I do want to obey you.

410
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I do want to do the right thing, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

411
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But God, I can't believe these things that you say.

412
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a while also carrying the weight of making sure I execute all of these

413
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things that I thought you told me to.

414
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So Lord, would you take care of this for me?

415
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And would you help me be good and, and allow me to shift my focus in my like.

416
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Mental and emotional and spiritual energy on believing these things and

417
00:30:25.900 --> 00:30:29.500
just focusing on these things right now, since I'm not going to be

418
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focusing on this part of my life.

419
00:30:32.620 --> 00:30:36.940
Would you please, would you please take care of me while I'm not focusing on it?

420
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Would you focus on it for me and enable it to happen?

421
00:30:41.220 --> 00:30:43.220
So anyway, that's what I told her.

422
00:30:43.220 --> 00:30:45.860
And so that's so far as just has really helped her.

423
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She said, so anyway, it's that kind of a reckless abandon of like, okay.

424
00:30:52.660 --> 00:30:55.940
You know, I am trying to believe God and I can't seem to do it.

425
00:30:55.940 --> 00:30:56.220
Okay.

426
00:30:56.260 --> 00:30:58.180
What will enable me to do it?

427
00:30:58.620 --> 00:31:03.060
I thought if I abandoned this, in other words, I abandoned focusing on it.

428
00:31:03.420 --> 00:31:05.140
It doesn't mean that I didn't want to be good.

429
00:31:05.140 --> 00:31:08.020
And I was like, oh, well now I'm going to be evil and I can do whatever I want.

430
00:31:08.380 --> 00:31:16.100
It wasn't that, you know, it was just simply, I abandoned making it my highest

431
00:31:16.100 --> 00:31:18.620
priority, if that makes sense.

432
00:31:18.620 --> 00:31:36.020
The thing is with that, I think even good things and helpful things can become, like

433
00:31:36.020 --> 00:31:38.220
I mentioned, maybe like a religion.

434
00:31:38.700 --> 00:31:39.180
Yeah.

435
00:31:39.340 --> 00:31:44.420
To become a God and we're holding them as a higher priority in our life.

436
00:31:44.620 --> 00:31:52.660
And I think like with her, I am aware of these two sides, but I think already that

437
00:31:52.660 --> 00:32:00.300
God has been so good to me and shown, taught me so much about grace and his

438
00:32:00.300 --> 00:32:04.900
goodness that I feel like I can't take even more.

439
00:32:04.940 --> 00:32:10.540
It's like, when am I going to start doing more or like, or focus on this?

440
00:32:11.540 --> 00:32:17.100
So that is the opposite of rest because that is, I have to work for it.

441
00:32:17.100 --> 00:32:18.020
I have to earn it.

442
00:32:18.340 --> 00:32:22.900
Now, the thing in the kingdom is that, okay, so let me back up.

443
00:32:22.940 --> 00:32:27.620
We're so used to working for something because in the kingdom of this world,

444
00:32:27.820 --> 00:32:33.140
that's how it works is you work for something because you have to earn it

445
00:32:33.260 --> 00:32:35.820
because we tell each other, nothing's free.

446
00:32:36.380 --> 00:32:39.780
You know, there's no free lunch is what we say in America, you know,

447
00:32:39.780 --> 00:32:48.780
there's nothing free and we get so used to being told that, that we don't realize

448
00:32:48.780 --> 00:32:54.500
that the kingdom of heaven operates the opposite, nothing can be earned

449
00:32:54.500 --> 00:32:57.220
in the kingdom of heaven, literally nothing.

450
00:32:57.540 --> 00:33:03.700
The only way that you can receive anything from God is God freely gives it.

451
00:33:03.700 --> 00:33:05.660
And you have to freely receive it.

452
00:33:06.660 --> 00:33:11.260
If God freely gives it, but you give him something in exchange.

453
00:33:11.260 --> 00:33:14.660
In other words, in payment for it, you don't get to have it anymore.

454
00:33:15.980 --> 00:33:20.740
You literally cannot receive something that you've offered something

455
00:33:20.740 --> 00:33:22.940
and offer something in exchange for it.

456
00:33:23.540 --> 00:33:32.820
I feel like he's been so good to me and so patient that it's, and I feel I've learned

457
00:33:32.820 --> 00:33:39.180
about, I've been walking in opening up my heart to more love and goodness for

458
00:33:39.180 --> 00:33:43.100
so many years that it feels like too much.

459
00:33:43.620 --> 00:33:49.380
And then I'm going to abandon this other thing even more, but still I'm in a,

460
00:33:49.620 --> 00:33:54.580
I realized that I don't, especially with love, maybe I understand his goodness

461
00:33:54.580 --> 00:34:01.220
better, but I don't understand him that he loves me.

462
00:34:02.220 --> 00:34:07.580
But it feels like, you know, when you're, when someone gives you slack and you're

463
00:34:07.580 --> 00:34:08.980
like, Oh, thank you so much.

464
00:34:08.980 --> 00:34:10.340
Or someone shows you grace.

465
00:34:10.340 --> 00:34:12.100
You're like, Oh, thank you so much.

466
00:34:12.139 --> 00:34:13.260
I'll pay you back later.

467
00:34:13.260 --> 00:34:16.139
Or like next time I'll buy for you.

468
00:34:16.940 --> 00:34:19.980
And then they give you slack another time and another time.

469
00:34:20.500 --> 00:34:23.020
And I feel like it's been like that for 20 years.

470
00:34:23.460 --> 00:34:27.739
And then, and then, Oh, it's going to be even more.

471
00:34:27.980 --> 00:34:30.980
Am I still going to focus on your goodness and love?

472
00:34:33.699 --> 00:34:38.580
Yeah, it feels it's, it's, it's too much and I should have gotten this already.

473
00:34:38.580 --> 00:34:40.179
I should have understood it already.

474
00:34:40.699 --> 00:34:47.340
And God has walked me out of legalism over so many years and in that

475
00:34:47.340 --> 00:34:49.100
shown me how good he is to me.

476
00:34:49.739 --> 00:34:57.180
And I feel like it's about time that I stepped up or became adult or took

477
00:34:57.180 --> 00:34:59.700
more responsibility or learn about something.

478
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.820
something else.

479
00:35:01.820 --> 00:35:06.820
And it feels like I should have been somewhere else

480
00:35:07.200 --> 00:35:09.800
in my walk with God than to,

481
00:35:09.800 --> 00:35:11.100
but then I'm really honest and say,

482
00:35:11.100 --> 00:35:13.700
I don't actually really understand your love

483
00:35:13.700 --> 00:35:17.360
and maybe just partially your goodness.

484
00:35:17.360 --> 00:35:19.900
And then I feel like I'm telling him,

485
00:35:19.900 --> 00:35:23.060
all right, you have to give me slack one more time.

486
00:35:24.200 --> 00:35:26.020
And I know you've been patient for so long

487
00:35:26.020 --> 00:35:29.560
and now, oh, one more time, we're gonna go through this

488
00:35:29.580 --> 00:35:31.420
and I'm not getting it.

489
00:35:31.420 --> 00:35:32.260
Yeah.

490
00:35:32.260 --> 00:35:35.860
And I think I used to, before I got sick 20 years ago,

491
00:35:37.300 --> 00:35:42.300
I used to, my relationship with Jesus was really intimate

492
00:35:43.700 --> 00:35:48.140
and I used to, like I could come home at night,

493
00:35:48.140 --> 00:35:50.540
go into my room and I would just invite the Holy Spirit

494
00:35:50.540 --> 00:35:52.540
to come and he just came.

495
00:35:52.540 --> 00:35:57.380
And I didn't even know that not everyone had it like that.

496
00:35:57.380 --> 00:35:58.420
It was so natural for me

497
00:35:58.420 --> 00:35:59.980
just that the Spirit went with me

498
00:35:59.980 --> 00:36:02.860
and I would just invite him and he came and we talked.

499
00:36:02.860 --> 00:36:05.540
And it was just, I didn't know what it was like

500
00:36:05.540 --> 00:36:08.820
until he left me or I felt like he left me.

501
00:36:08.820 --> 00:36:13.820
And since then, I felt Jesus, especially with other people,

502
00:36:15.300 --> 00:36:16.580
but that's never come back.

503
00:36:16.580 --> 00:36:18.900
It was something that for some reason,

504
00:36:18.900 --> 00:36:20.780
somehow the devil stole from me,

505
00:36:20.780 --> 00:36:23.060
my intimate relationship with Jesus

506
00:36:23.060 --> 00:36:27.220
and the feeling that he loves me and he's always available

507
00:36:27.220 --> 00:36:30.180
and I can invite him, his presence anytime.

508
00:36:30.180 --> 00:36:35.180
And now, and then he taught me

509
00:36:35.620 --> 00:36:38.220
and it was a lot like, it's you and me, Jesus,

510
00:36:38.220 --> 00:36:40.980
we are together and I don't need anyone else.

511
00:36:40.980 --> 00:36:44.860
And then I got, became sick and I got desperate

512
00:36:44.860 --> 00:36:47.100
and I realized I need people.

513
00:36:47.100 --> 00:36:50.300
And God showed me, yes, you don't just need me.

514
00:36:50.300 --> 00:36:52.520
I created you to need people.

515
00:36:52.520 --> 00:36:55.620
So I had to open my heart and invite other people in.

516
00:36:55.620 --> 00:36:57.700
And I realized like a lot of people wanted

517
00:36:57.700 --> 00:36:59.740
to be there for me.

518
00:36:59.740 --> 00:37:02.300
Then I would start to experience God together

519
00:37:02.300 --> 00:37:04.500
with other people in community.

520
00:37:04.500 --> 00:37:07.740
And, but when I was alone with God, it didn't work.

521
00:37:07.740 --> 00:37:09.980
It only worked in community.

522
00:37:09.980 --> 00:37:14.980
And then I, but all those 20 years,

523
00:37:15.660 --> 00:37:20.100
I really, really longed for the relationship I had with him

524
00:37:20.100 --> 00:37:23.940
20 years ago, but I just see it glimpse.

525
00:37:23.940 --> 00:37:27.380
It's like, sometimes it feels like it's stolen forever.

526
00:37:27.380 --> 00:37:29.780
And it got even worse when my dad died

527
00:37:29.780 --> 00:37:34.020
and I stopped crying because there wasn't any release

528
00:37:34.020 --> 00:37:37.260
physically or, and it was like this glass wall.

529
00:37:37.260 --> 00:37:39.220
I told you about glass wall.

530
00:37:39.220 --> 00:37:43.980
So whenever I like exercises, ask Jesus to come

531
00:37:43.980 --> 00:37:47.500
into the room, look into your eyes, talk to you.

532
00:37:47.500 --> 00:37:51.580
I try and it just doesn't happen.

533
00:37:51.580 --> 00:37:53.740
He doesn't, I don't feel him.

534
00:37:54.500 --> 00:37:57.460
Usually a few times I do, but not very often.

535
00:37:57.460 --> 00:38:01.940
And it's more stressing than good.

536
00:38:01.940 --> 00:38:05.260
And it's what I long for the most is to have my relationship

537
00:38:05.260 --> 00:38:08.900
with Jesus back and to talk to him like I used to.

538
00:38:08.900 --> 00:38:12.220
But I don't know, but I feel like I've tried

539
00:38:12.220 --> 00:38:16.700
and not tried everything for so long.

540
00:38:16.700 --> 00:38:21.700
And I, and then, you know,

541
00:38:24.580 --> 00:38:27.980
I surrender it and I say, okay, I don't feel you

542
00:38:27.980 --> 00:38:31.740
but I choose to believe that you're here, but still

543
00:38:31.740 --> 00:38:33.340
but I don't really believe it.

544
00:38:33.340 --> 00:38:36.460
So if I'm honest, I don't really believe you're here

545
00:38:36.460 --> 00:38:37.860
but I want to believe that you're here

546
00:38:37.860 --> 00:38:39.420
even though I don't feel your presence

547
00:38:39.420 --> 00:38:41.420
and I can see your eyes or your face

548
00:38:42.580 --> 00:38:45.500
but that's my deepest desire to be

549
00:38:45.500 --> 00:38:48.020
in an intimate relationship with him again.

550
00:38:48.020 --> 00:38:48.860
Yeah.

551
00:38:48.860 --> 00:38:51.420
And I think that's why I don't really experience his love

552
00:38:51.420 --> 00:38:53.420
because that part was stolen from me.

553
00:38:54.540 --> 00:38:56.700
But I felt like a year ago that God told me

554
00:38:56.700 --> 00:39:00.300
that he would give me back all the devil stole from me.

555
00:39:00.300 --> 00:39:03.540
So I have this hope that, yeah

556
00:39:03.540 --> 00:39:06.020
but it makes me just feel sad.

557
00:39:06.020 --> 00:39:09.740
And when other people experience it

558
00:39:09.740 --> 00:39:12.180
I feel sad that I lost it

559
00:39:12.180 --> 00:39:14.820
and that I don't know my way back.

560
00:39:14.820 --> 00:39:19.820
And I know that I can't do it and I can't control it.

561
00:39:22.420 --> 00:39:25.060
But it doesn't feel like it works either way

562
00:39:25.060 --> 00:39:27.180
whether I control it or let it go.

563
00:39:27.180 --> 00:39:29.540
It doesn't happen if I just let it go either.

564
00:39:32.900 --> 00:39:35.980
But in that I don't realize that God loves me

565
00:39:35.980 --> 00:39:40.420
because it doesn't, yeah.

566
00:39:42.380 --> 00:39:43.540
It doesn't what?

567
00:39:43.540 --> 00:39:45.620
It's not intimate.

568
00:39:46.620 --> 00:39:51.620
It's not, he's not there with his presence like he used to.

569
00:39:52.940 --> 00:39:55.420
And he doesn't speak to me like he used to.

570
00:39:56.580 --> 00:39:59.900
It happens usually in groups with others still, but not.

571
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.800
so much him and I herself.

572
00:40:01.800 --> 00:40:02.800
Yeah.

573
00:40:02.800 --> 00:40:04.200
Yeah.

574
00:40:04.200 --> 00:40:06.040
So one of the things is, you know,

575
00:40:06.040 --> 00:40:09.160
as far as like letting go and surrendering,

576
00:40:09.160 --> 00:40:14.160
one of the things is letting go of the choosing him over

577
00:40:17.800 --> 00:40:19.960
and choosing to believe what he said.

578
00:40:19.960 --> 00:40:21.720
Like if he said that he's with you,

579
00:40:21.720 --> 00:40:24.280
he says that you still have,

580
00:40:24.280 --> 00:40:27.100
that you still share an intimate love, et cetera.

581
00:40:27.960 --> 00:40:29.320
It's choosing that, okay,

582
00:40:29.320 --> 00:40:31.720
if he says that that's true,

583
00:40:31.720 --> 00:40:34.360
I'm going to choose that that is true

584
00:40:34.360 --> 00:40:36.480
and I'm going to act like it.

585
00:40:36.480 --> 00:40:37.940
I'm going to live like it.

586
00:40:38.940 --> 00:40:41.280
And it's going to be my higher,

587
00:40:41.280 --> 00:40:43.480
I'm going to make that my higher priority

588
00:40:46.560 --> 00:40:49.760
than prioritizing the experience.

589
00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:54.760
So I'm choosing the truth of it over experiencing it.

590
00:40:55.120 --> 00:40:57.960
And that's what the rest intensive, you know, is all about.

591
00:40:57.960 --> 00:41:02.320
It's about finally being able to experience it

592
00:41:02.320 --> 00:41:05.980
by letting go of ever experiencing it again.

593
00:41:07.520 --> 00:41:12.520
So that's that whole thing of like, of true surrender

594
00:41:12.720 --> 00:41:15.400
is, okay, think of it like this.

595
00:41:15.400 --> 00:41:18.640
What Jesus did is remember that Jesus was given all power

596
00:41:18.640 --> 00:41:23.080
and authority, but it says that he considered himself,

597
00:41:23.080 --> 00:41:25.840
he considered his equality with God,

598
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:30.720
not to be claimed or something like that.

599
00:41:30.720 --> 00:41:33.960
I wish I could remember how the Bible phrased it,

600
00:41:33.960 --> 00:41:38.960
but he didn't, even though he was equal with God,

601
00:41:39.640 --> 00:41:42.280
he set aside his divinity.

602
00:41:42.280 --> 00:41:45.200
And so he put himself, allowed himself,

603
00:41:45.200 --> 00:41:48.080
submitted himself to a human experience.

604
00:41:48.080 --> 00:41:51.600
And then he submitted himself so much to the Lord

605
00:41:51.600 --> 00:41:53.040
that he died.

606
00:41:53.040 --> 00:41:56.560
He voluntarily allowed him, gave himself to the Lord.

607
00:41:56.560 --> 00:42:00.680
It says that in the Bible, that he was not killed,

608
00:42:00.680 --> 00:42:02.560
not out of his own free will,

609
00:42:02.560 --> 00:42:05.780
but he actually voluntarily laid down his life.

610
00:42:06.800 --> 00:42:09.200
And so he gave that to the Lord.

611
00:42:09.200 --> 00:42:12.720
So again, that whole idea of like, God, we have something

612
00:42:12.720 --> 00:42:16.200
and we lay it down to the Lord and we back up

613
00:42:16.200 --> 00:42:19.960
and we take our hand off, we back up and walk off

614
00:42:19.960 --> 00:42:24.240
and release control of it.

615
00:42:24.240 --> 00:42:29.240
Then what God did is because Jesus gave up any right

616
00:42:32.360 --> 00:42:35.000
that he could have tried to claim,

617
00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:38.080
that he had to power, to authority,

618
00:42:38.080 --> 00:42:41.280
the right to judge, et cetera, because he was God,

619
00:42:41.280 --> 00:42:44.080
because he gave all of it up to the point

620
00:42:44.080 --> 00:42:48.840
where he submitted himself even to death and he died.

621
00:42:48.840 --> 00:42:53.080
Then God said, okay, now I can trust you.

622
00:42:53.080 --> 00:42:56.800
And so then he gave him power and authority,

623
00:42:56.800 --> 00:42:59.040
but it was only when he let go

624
00:42:59.040 --> 00:43:01.400
of ever having power and authority

625
00:43:02.320 --> 00:43:04.640
that God granted it to him.

626
00:43:04.640 --> 00:43:07.200
And so it's the same thing with any of the other

627
00:43:07.200 --> 00:43:12.200
inheritances that God gives us, rest, peace, love, joy,

628
00:43:13.240 --> 00:43:14.960
all the fruits of the spirit,

629
00:43:14.960 --> 00:43:18.600
all of those things are fruits of who it is that we are.

630
00:43:19.360 --> 00:43:20.360
In other words, our character.

631
00:43:20.360 --> 00:43:23.400
And if we're not experiencing those things,

632
00:43:23.400 --> 00:43:26.160
if we're not experiencing those promises,

633
00:43:26.160 --> 00:43:28.840
those gifts and that inheritance in our life,

634
00:43:28.840 --> 00:43:32.960
then it means that we are,

635
00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:37.360
that there's some resistance that we're having

636
00:43:37.360 --> 00:43:39.360
to freely receiving it.

637
00:43:39.360 --> 00:43:42.800
Because just like in the story of the prodigal son,

638
00:43:42.800 --> 00:43:45.360
you remember what the older son said?

639
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:48.960
He didn't get onto the father

640
00:43:48.960 --> 00:43:51.560
about bringing in the prodigal son and saying,

641
00:43:51.560 --> 00:43:53.360
do you know where he's been?

642
00:43:54.520 --> 00:43:56.480
Oh my goodness, bringing him into our midst,

643
00:43:56.480 --> 00:43:58.200
and wouldn't that be corrupting us?

644
00:43:58.200 --> 00:44:02.160
Aren't we opening ourselves up to potential corruption?

645
00:44:02.160 --> 00:44:04.920
He didn't make it about his brother.

646
00:44:04.920 --> 00:44:07.760
He made it all about him and his father.

647
00:44:08.560 --> 00:44:13.560
And it brought out this stifled resentment

648
00:44:14.200 --> 00:44:16.680
that the older son had of like,

649
00:44:16.680 --> 00:44:20.400
why didn't you do that for me?

650
00:44:20.400 --> 00:44:23.480
So we look at other people in our lives and we're like,

651
00:44:23.480 --> 00:44:25.280
God's doing all of those things for them.

652
00:44:25.280 --> 00:44:27.160
He's meeting them, he's intimate with them.

653
00:44:27.160 --> 00:44:29.400
They can feel him, they can whatever.

654
00:44:29.400 --> 00:44:31.600
God, why aren't you doing that for me?

655
00:44:31.600 --> 00:44:33.120
Why are you holding it out on,

656
00:44:33.120 --> 00:44:34.960
why are you holding out on me?

657
00:44:34.960 --> 00:44:37.480
And the father says, what are you talking about?

658
00:44:37.480 --> 00:44:40.720
And he's like, I have what,

659
00:44:40.720 --> 00:44:44.680
because you exist in my estate,

660
00:44:44.680 --> 00:44:48.800
what I have has always been yours.

661
00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:51.880
All you had to do was take it.

662
00:44:53.160 --> 00:44:56.320
And so, and it doesn't mean that we work for it.

663
00:44:56.320 --> 00:45:00.000
What it means is that he's like, you have to receive it.

664
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.840
He said, at any time, you could have had a goat killed, that

665
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:06.600
anytime you could have had your friends over for a party, you

666
00:45:06.600 --> 00:45:12.200
could have just taken advantage of the fact that you believed

667
00:45:12.200 --> 00:45:15.960
me, that I had given it to you, in other words, that it was

668
00:45:15.960 --> 00:45:20.400
available. And so it's the same kind of thing, you know, with

669
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:26.160
us, we're like, Lord, why aren't you doing this for me, just like

670
00:45:26.160 --> 00:45:29.720
the father did it for the prodigal son, the prodigal son

671
00:45:29.960 --> 00:45:35.480
didn't ask for the coat and the goat to be to be killed, or the

672
00:45:35.480 --> 00:45:40.200
vaticap or, you know, whatever, and etc. The prodigal son didn't

673
00:45:40.200 --> 00:45:43.440
ask for it. But the father gave all of that to him. And we're

674
00:45:43.440 --> 00:45:48.640
like, Lord, seriously, why didn't you you gave it to them

675
00:45:48.640 --> 00:45:52.800
and they didn't ask for it. I'm wanting it. And I'm not asking

676
00:45:52.800 --> 00:45:56.680
for it, but you're not giving it to me. And and the father is

677
00:45:56.680 --> 00:46:00.000
just like, because you and I have a different relationship.

678
00:46:00.440 --> 00:46:06.520
You are already here. You've always had access to it. I don't

679
00:46:06.520 --> 00:46:10.280
have to give you something that there's nothing left for me to

680
00:46:10.280 --> 00:46:13.800
give you if I've already given you everything. You're literally

681
00:46:13.800 --> 00:46:18.200
in the middle of it. Just take just live like it. I have

682
00:46:18.200 --> 00:46:22.840
allowed you in being here to be able to have access to all of

683
00:46:22.840 --> 00:46:27.920
these things. So anyway, so in other words, God has already

684
00:46:27.920 --> 00:46:31.920
given us all of our inheritance. So what we have to do if we're

685
00:46:31.920 --> 00:46:37.240
not experiencing it, is to stop holding God in accusation and

686
00:46:37.240 --> 00:46:41.240
saying, Why aren't you doing this for me? Because that is

687
00:46:41.240 --> 00:46:47.960
actually loving and choosing and, and want and making this

688
00:46:48.000 --> 00:46:54.400
thing a higher priority than God. And so we use it in

689
00:46:54.400 --> 00:46:58.080
accusation against him, you know, and so he wants us to

690
00:46:58.080 --> 00:47:01.520
give everything up, including ever experiencing him again,

691
00:47:01.840 --> 00:47:05.440
including ever feeling him. He says, I chose you

692
00:47:05.440 --> 00:47:10.360
unconditionally. I want you to choose me unconditionally. By

693
00:47:10.360 --> 00:47:13.520
choosing me unconditionally, where you no longer hold me

694
00:47:13.520 --> 00:47:18.800
accountable for giving you some kind of an experience, even an

695
00:47:18.800 --> 00:47:25.440
experience with me, you know, loving you, meeting you, that I

696
00:47:25.440 --> 00:47:30.600
want you to choose me for me, not for what you experience

697
00:47:30.600 --> 00:47:35.600
about me, not for how you feel me said, and if you do, well,

698
00:47:35.600 --> 00:47:38.960
then I can quote unquote, like, kind of like with Jesus, then I

699
00:47:38.960 --> 00:47:43.920
can like trust you isn't like, okay, it really is me you want,

700
00:47:44.320 --> 00:47:51.320
not how not the experience I give you. You know, I want you

701
00:47:51.320 --> 00:47:55.600
to because a lot of times, so we like the experience, because

702
00:47:55.640 --> 00:48:00.400
that's what we use as proof to ourselves that we're safe, or

703
00:48:00.400 --> 00:48:04.360
that God remembers us that God hasn't abandoned us, is we have

704
00:48:04.360 --> 00:48:08.600
these experiences, like, oh, I feel him, or he's they, you

705
00:48:08.600 --> 00:48:12.360
know, I feel the intimacy, etc. And he said, I want you to

706
00:48:12.360 --> 00:48:18.000
choose me in faith, that, that you really are safe, because I

707
00:48:18.000 --> 00:48:23.600
said so. And then when we believe him, because he said so,

708
00:48:23.920 --> 00:48:27.120
that's coming into agreement with them, it's stopping the

709
00:48:27.120 --> 00:48:31.280
resistance and finally being open. And then we can finally

710
00:48:31.280 --> 00:48:36.880
experience and receive the what it is that God says that he's

711
00:48:36.880 --> 00:48:43.120
already given us. So by desiring too much, in another word, not

712
00:48:43.120 --> 00:48:49.280
desiring too much, it's by taking things like, like things

713
00:48:49.280 --> 00:48:53.160
that we want from the Lord, and holding them before him in a

714
00:48:53.160 --> 00:48:59.280
desperation, where it's that we get upset at God, or for not

715
00:48:59.280 --> 00:49:03.640
giving him to us yet, or for he used to, but he hasn't, he hasn't

716
00:49:03.640 --> 00:49:08.040
lately, he's changed toward us, you know, whatever. There's,

717
00:49:08.080 --> 00:49:11.920
those are all things that ways in which we are expressing the

718
00:49:11.920 --> 00:49:19.240
fact that we have, we're, we are, and there's, there's, how

719
00:49:19.240 --> 00:49:24.120
would I put that? Because often, what I say to people, in fact,

720
00:49:24.120 --> 00:49:26.400
I was talking to somebody just the other day, I was like, you

721
00:49:26.400 --> 00:49:29.000
know, how you get frustrated, how we get frustrated at the

722
00:49:29.000 --> 00:49:32.360
Lord, you know, that he isn't doing something that we wanted

723
00:49:32.360 --> 00:49:37.560
to do, or whatever. And while they said, Oh, no, actually, in

724
00:49:37.560 --> 00:49:39.880
fact, they're in so much resistance that they keep

725
00:49:39.880 --> 00:49:43.320
denying certain things like, Oh, no, no, no, no, you know, I

726
00:49:43.320 --> 00:49:47.000
don't get mad at God, you know, because I believe that, you

727
00:49:47.000 --> 00:49:51.720
know, you know, he's, he's just so good to me. And so if there's

728
00:49:51.720 --> 00:49:56.040
a problem, it's me. And I'm going, Oh, well, they're not

729
00:49:56.040 --> 00:49:59.240
even to the point where they can acknowledge the fact that deep

730
00:49:59.240 --> 00:50:00.040
down, I'm at it.

731
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.980
God, because they haven't, they've stifled it so much

732
00:50:03.980 --> 00:50:09.600
because it's wrong. And because they believe it's wrong. And

733
00:50:09.600 --> 00:50:14.440
then also, the fact that they can tell themselves, well, God

734
00:50:14.440 --> 00:50:18.920
is so good to me. And he's so wonderful. I couldn't hold

735
00:50:18.920 --> 00:50:23.800
anything against him. Because I don't, he doesn't deserve that

736
00:50:23.800 --> 00:50:29.480
for me. I'm like, we can say that all we want. If we want

737
00:50:29.480 --> 00:50:38.800
God so desperately. There is a there is work and anger in that

738
00:50:38.800 --> 00:50:42.280
desperation somewhere. Sure, there's nothing wrong with

739
00:50:42.280 --> 00:50:46.920
wanting something from God. He loves that. But our desperation

740
00:50:46.920 --> 00:50:51.480
has a tendency to have something negative in it. In which deep

741
00:50:51.480 --> 00:50:55.480
down, we're like, God, why not? Yeah, why haven't you I've been

742
00:50:55.480 --> 00:50:59.000
asking, why haven't you can know, etc. And God's like,

743
00:50:59.800 --> 00:51:05.280
okay, if you can't, in a manner of speaking, if you can't want

744
00:51:05.280 --> 00:51:08.360
it, it kind of like what I was talking about earlier, you know,

745
00:51:08.360 --> 00:51:12.400
like, if God tells us to accept this about him, but we're having

746
00:51:12.400 --> 00:51:18.680
a hard time. And we're having a hard time doing it. While doing

747
00:51:18.680 --> 00:51:21.640
this other, and we're like, well, because we can't reconcile

748
00:51:21.640 --> 00:51:24.200
it, I can, I can only pick one, and we ended up picking this

749
00:51:24.200 --> 00:51:28.840
one. So sometimes in order to choose this one, I have to let

750
00:51:28.840 --> 00:51:31.760
go of this one, I have to stop choosing this one, I have to

751
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:35.200
make this my priority. And it's that that same kind of thing

752
00:51:35.200 --> 00:51:42.760
with this other, as well, is that we can if we can't, in a

753
00:51:42.760 --> 00:51:48.600
manner of speaking, if we can't want it, without holding it an

754
00:51:48.600 --> 00:51:55.520
accusation against God, I have to stop wanting it sort of, it

755
00:51:55.520 --> 00:51:58.960
doesn't mean that I don't actually still want it deep

756
00:51:58.960 --> 00:52:04.320
down. But what it means is that I have to finally give up it

757
00:52:04.360 --> 00:52:10.920
ever happening. And that's true surrender. And so that's what I

758
00:52:10.920 --> 00:52:13.720
mean about doing like very desperate, quote, unquote,

759
00:52:13.720 --> 00:52:18.240
reckless things is like, yeah, but God says it's good for me to

760
00:52:18.240 --> 00:52:22.400
my God says it's good for me to whatever. Okay, abandon it

761
00:52:22.640 --> 00:52:26.600
further, in order to choose something that he's asked you to

762
00:52:26.600 --> 00:52:30.360
believe about him, such as like a very deep thing. Like, I want

763
00:52:30.360 --> 00:52:34.480
you to choose me. I want you to believe me just because I said

764
00:52:34.480 --> 00:52:39.400
it. I want you to believe that I love you, unconditionally, even

765
00:52:39.400 --> 00:52:42.400
though you don't understand how that's possible, because you

766
00:52:42.400 --> 00:52:46.520
read the Bible with all these conditions. But I just need to

767
00:52:46.960 --> 00:52:50.720
abandon that for a bit. And not stop trying to make me happy by

768
00:52:50.720 --> 00:52:56.240
doing all these good things. And just book make me feel loved by

769
00:52:56.240 --> 00:53:00.840
simply believing me that I said it's true. And if I love you

770
00:53:00.840 --> 00:53:03.560
unconditionally, how would you live? And how would you

771
00:53:03.560 --> 00:53:07.720
interact with me? And what would you do? Even without any

772
00:53:07.720 --> 00:53:11.960
experience yet, even without any whatever, simply the fact that I

773
00:53:11.960 --> 00:53:16.960
said it. So a friend of mine says that belief is God's love

774
00:53:16.960 --> 00:53:22.640
language. That's how God feels loved is not by obeying. Obeying

775
00:53:22.640 --> 00:53:33.560
him is a natural result. And of us loving God. So if we're if

776
00:53:33.560 --> 00:53:36.280
we're finding it hard to obey him, it means that our

777
00:53:36.280 --> 00:53:42.160
motivation isn't love. It's trying to earn or please God. If

778
00:53:42.160 --> 00:53:46.880
we're finding it hard, if we're finding ourselves resentful, it

779
00:53:46.880 --> 00:53:52.080
means that we're trying to do it because we know we should not

780
00:53:52.080 --> 00:53:57.960
because we naturally love him. So so anyway, it's like, okay,

781
00:53:57.960 --> 00:54:02.600
Lord, that I want to obey you without the sweat without the

782
00:54:02.840 --> 00:54:06.720
I want to obey you because I love you. So let me let me

783
00:54:07.440 --> 00:54:11.120
abandon focusing on trying to figure out how to obey you for a

784
00:54:11.120 --> 00:54:15.720
while. And I'm asking that you carry that for me. And that you

785
00:54:15.720 --> 00:54:20.760
help me obey you. Because right now, I'm going to choose to

786
00:54:20.760 --> 00:54:23.400
focus on this other because I can't seem to focus on them both

787
00:54:23.400 --> 00:54:26.800
at the same time. So I've done a really good job of trying this

788
00:54:26.800 --> 00:54:31.360
in my life. So now I'm going to try this. That you say that you

789
00:54:31.360 --> 00:54:34.920
love me unconditionally. And you say that obedience is going

790
00:54:34.920 --> 00:54:39.920
to be a natural effect of believing that you love me. So

791
00:54:39.960 --> 00:54:44.640
that's how we love on God. And that's how we receive him. Is we

792
00:54:44.640 --> 00:54:48.520
just believe them? What did he say? He says that he loves you

793
00:54:48.520 --> 00:54:52.040
unconditionally. He says that you're one with him, you know,

794
00:54:52.240 --> 00:54:56.200
etc. So. So anyway, I've been talking a lot. So what are your

795
00:54:56.200 --> 00:54:56.720
thoughts?

796
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:00.860
So good.

797
00:55:01.460 --> 00:55:07.680
I'm just, um, and all of this stuff you won't figure out.

798
00:55:08.040 --> 00:55:12.780
It's one of those things that you, like, you can't convince yourself

799
00:55:13.200 --> 00:55:15.840
and mentally walk yourself into this.

800
00:55:16.280 --> 00:55:19.600
The only thing that we should be using our brain for, for something like

801
00:55:19.600 --> 00:55:23.920
that, so to speak in our mind, in our decision is to make a decision.

802
00:55:23.960 --> 00:55:24.420
Okay.

803
00:55:24.840 --> 00:55:25.840
I'm going to choose it.

804
00:55:26.920 --> 00:55:28.840
This is what I have decided.

805
00:55:28.960 --> 00:55:30.400
This is what I am going to do.

806
00:55:31.080 --> 00:55:35.760
Um, everything else just needs to come from, and even that really, but everything

807
00:55:35.760 --> 00:55:40.640
else just needs to come from this, from this, um, just heartfelt, just.

808
00:55:41.280 --> 00:55:45.880
Spiritual and soulish surrender, you know, to the Lord completely.

809
00:55:46.600 --> 00:55:50.040
And, um, so what do you need?

810
00:55:51.720 --> 00:55:57.960
Um, my husband came in for his coffee, but, uh, yeah, so, uh, anyway,

811
00:55:58.080 --> 00:56:01.240
we just have to, you know, just, just abandon ourselves to him.

812
00:56:01.320 --> 00:56:06.760
And these things have to be experienced, meaning, how do I put it?

813
00:56:06.880 --> 00:56:08.520
I don't mean experience like this.

814
00:56:08.520 --> 00:56:09.920
And we feel like we have an experience.

815
00:56:09.920 --> 00:56:13.200
I mean that we have to live it and be it.

816
00:56:13.880 --> 00:56:16.080
Sorry, let me close this curtain now that the flies.

817
00:56:18.480 --> 00:56:18.980
Okay.

818
00:56:19.360 --> 00:56:24.480
Um, as opposed to, this is the way that one of my clients has worded it.

819
00:56:24.480 --> 00:56:29.320
She said, I finally, she said, I was struggling so hard to get this for

820
00:56:29.320 --> 00:56:34.200
months, she said, until I realized I couldn't figure it out and I had to

821
00:56:34.200 --> 00:56:39.240
embody it and I was like, bingo, that's it right there.

822
00:56:39.680 --> 00:56:45.720
So you, if we try to figure it all out, there is a way in which we're

823
00:56:45.720 --> 00:56:47.720
putting that that's working for it.

824
00:56:48.560 --> 00:56:50.720
We're trying to figure it out, et cetera.

825
00:56:51.040 --> 00:56:59.320
We have to kind of abandon ourselves into it and just start to start to, um,

826
00:56:59.760 --> 00:57:05.520
uh, not, not live it because yeah, you do start living it, but you just kind

827
00:57:05.520 --> 00:57:11.040
of abandon yourself to choosing that it's true and then just living

828
00:57:11.040 --> 00:57:12.840
life in the experience of it.

829
00:57:13.120 --> 00:57:21.600
And it's not an experience that God brings to you and you're the, the, it

830
00:57:21.600 --> 00:57:23.480
just like comes upon you.

831
00:57:23.760 --> 00:57:28.160
Like I had no, um, I didn't cause it to happen.

832
00:57:28.160 --> 00:57:30.880
I was just laying there and then boom, God gave me an experience.

833
00:57:30.920 --> 00:57:36.320
I don't mean that it's like you make a choice that something is real and then

834
00:57:36.320 --> 00:57:39.080
you begin to live from that reality.

835
00:57:39.720 --> 00:57:40.080
Okay.

836
00:57:40.080 --> 00:57:44.960
If God loves me unconditionally, if I'm unified with him, I'm making

837
00:57:44.960 --> 00:57:46.880
a decision that that is the reality.

838
00:57:47.320 --> 00:57:48.880
I'm not waiting for proof.

839
00:57:49.600 --> 00:57:54.080
I am making a decision that that is reality because God said so.

840
00:57:54.520 --> 00:57:58.720
And then you think, okay, if that is true, how would I start to live?

841
00:57:59.400 --> 00:58:00.560
What would I start to do?

842
00:58:01.240 --> 00:58:08.880
And I think I've already, I've talked to you about, um, uh, about how, uh, how,

843
00:58:09.040 --> 00:58:15.120
when I felt, um, when I needed to choose that God loved me, how, what I did was,

844
00:58:15.160 --> 00:58:18.680
oh, well, by the way, first of all, you know, that whole choice between working

845
00:58:18.680 --> 00:58:22.600
really hard to be good and just, just choosing that he loved me unconditionally.

846
00:58:23.080 --> 00:58:28.080
I made sort of like choosing that I was okay with the Lord, that I was fine,

847
00:58:28.120 --> 00:58:31.800
that I received things from him effortlessly, that he didn't make me bad.

848
00:58:31.800 --> 00:58:32.640
He made me good.

849
00:58:33.040 --> 00:58:33.600
That kind of thing.

850
00:58:34.240 --> 00:58:38.440
I had to make that decision about 10 months before this other decision.

851
00:58:38.440 --> 00:58:40.960
And then this other decision was I finally had to choose.

852
00:58:40.960 --> 00:58:46.200
Okay, God, I choose you and who it is that you are, even though I

853
00:58:46.200 --> 00:58:47.480
don't fully know who that is.

854
00:58:47.960 --> 00:58:49.560
I choose who that is.

855
00:58:50.880 --> 00:58:54.080
And I choose that you are who you say that you are.

856
00:58:54.080 --> 00:58:57.360
And I ask that you manifest that into my life.

857
00:58:57.680 --> 00:58:59.920
I choose you over my lifestyle.

858
00:59:00.640 --> 00:59:04.120
In other words, I choose you over whatever it means that my life ends

859
00:59:04.120 --> 00:59:05.800
up looking like by following you.

860
00:59:06.280 --> 00:59:10.400
Whether or not I ever experienced you again, whether, and this was when I

861
00:59:10.400 --> 00:59:15.680
had, and my relationships were on the rocks, my, my businesses were failing.

862
00:59:15.680 --> 00:59:16.880
None of them were working.

863
00:59:17.320 --> 00:59:21.400
And I, I didn't have money.

864
00:59:21.760 --> 00:59:25.200
And so I was having to trust the Lord, you know, for food, et cetera.

865
00:59:25.760 --> 00:59:29.840
And in that situation, I told the Lord, Lord, even if my situation never

866
00:59:29.840 --> 00:59:33.200
changes, because it felt like it was the lowest that it could go.

867
00:59:33.760 --> 00:59:38.200
I just, I didn't feel wanted and liked and, and all of that good stuff.

868
00:59:38.600 --> 00:59:43.560
And, um, and so I just told the Lord, Lord, even if it never changes from this

869
00:59:43.560 --> 00:59:51.920
place, I choose you over my life ever changing and looking better than the,

870
00:59:52.160 --> 00:59:55.720
than the really sad, depressing state.

871
00:59:56.200 --> 00:59:59.840
And I mean, when I say depressed, I was like, it was like.

872
01:00:00.960 --> 01:00:08.000
major like depression. It was like, God doesn't love, you know, I'm, it, it doesn't feel like

873
01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:12.160
God loves me. It doesn't fully likes me. It feels like everybody else gets good things. And I don't,

874
01:00:12.160 --> 01:00:19.440
it was from that place. And I told God, I choose you over my lifestyle. And I stopped holding

875
01:00:19.440 --> 01:00:24.800
you accountable to me for what my life looks like. I give it up completely. I stop

876
01:00:25.760 --> 01:00:30.720
holding on to my life and holding on to what my life looks like and what happens in my life.

877
01:00:30.720 --> 01:00:36.480
I give it up. And I ask that you just be who you are and that you be that into my life,

878
01:00:36.480 --> 01:00:40.800
no matter what it makes my life look like, no matter if it brings comfort or pain or whatever,

879
01:00:40.800 --> 01:00:46.800
that you just be who you are into my life. So I made that decision. And then I made the decision

880
01:00:46.800 --> 01:00:52.960
of like, okay, God chooses the, God says that he loves me unconditionally. So I don't believe it.

881
01:00:53.760 --> 01:00:59.920
It doesn't feel like it's true. I've got nothing to go on except simply the fact that God said,

882
01:00:59.920 --> 01:01:04.720
and I've never been able to receive it simply because God said so. So that's something new.

883
01:01:04.720 --> 01:01:10.880
I can do for 35 years at the time. I thought I have tried all of the other, I've tried to believe

884
01:01:10.880 --> 01:01:16.480
it. I've tried to convince myself. I tried to find it all in scripture. None of it worked.

885
01:01:16.480 --> 01:01:21.520
Meaning like I couldn't see, I couldn't reconcile scripture. I could see, yes, he loves me and all

886
01:01:22.080 --> 01:01:26.240
that, but I saw all these other negative things too. And I was like, well, maybe that cancels out

887
01:01:26.240 --> 01:01:32.480
the love, you know, anyway, finally I thought, okay, you know, I can't convince myself and I

888
01:01:32.480 --> 01:01:36.800
don't feel it. I've tried that for 35 years. So I'm going to try something I haven't tried.

889
01:01:37.520 --> 01:01:42.080
If God said it, I'm just going to choose that it's true. And I'm going to start living like it.

890
01:01:42.880 --> 01:01:47.280
I'm going to make up that that's really what it is. Cause it felt like I was making it up.

891
01:01:47.280 --> 01:01:53.200
I wasn't really making it up because God says it's true. Just going to choose that he loves me.

892
01:01:53.200 --> 01:01:58.480
So I got out of bed. I made that decision while I was lying in bed, not motivated to get up.

893
01:01:58.480 --> 01:02:03.680
And I was like, I'm going to choose that he loves me. So I get it. So, um, I just chose it right

894
01:02:03.680 --> 01:02:09.680
then on my work. He loves me right now. That's what he said. So I am choosing that that is the

895
01:02:09.680 --> 01:02:16.400
experience I am having right now. I, even though I don't feel it, I'm choosing that he loves me.

896
01:02:16.400 --> 01:02:23.200
Like, okay. So I get up. It's like, oh my word. God loves me. And I'm continuing. This is a

897
01:02:23.200 --> 01:02:28.320
continual choice that I'm making. God loves me. So I make my bed and God loves me while I'm making

898
01:02:28.320 --> 01:02:34.080
my bed. He loves not because I'm making my bed. He just loves me while I'm standing here doing that.

899
01:02:34.080 --> 01:02:38.800
And then I got in the shower and I was in the shower and it's like, God loves me. This is

900
01:02:38.800 --> 01:02:45.280
amazing. He delights in me. He's looking at me right now, delighting me for who I am,

901
01:02:45.280 --> 01:02:50.400
not because of what I'm doing or anything, or what I will be doing or what choices I have made

902
01:02:50.400 --> 01:02:55.920
or what choices I have a tendency to make just right now. Then I went, I got out of the shower

903
01:02:55.920 --> 01:02:59.200
and I was standing there, you know, getting ready and putting on my makeup and doing my hair.

904
01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:06.880
God enjoys me and delight in the fact that I enjoy, you know, putting on my makeup and I enjoy

905
01:03:06.880 --> 01:03:12.560
all of these different experiences that he enables me to have here on earth by interacting with

906
01:03:12.560 --> 01:03:18.320
things he created. And then I went and I made breakfast and I did the same thing. He, I just

907
01:03:18.320 --> 01:03:26.400
stood while I was making breakfast. I just, I chose God says that he's, he's always present

908
01:03:26.960 --> 01:03:32.400
and that he always loves me and that he delights in me. You know, he says in the song is in song

909
01:03:32.400 --> 01:03:37.840
of Solomon, you know, that I'm the apple of his eye. Okay. Well, I'm standing here as the apple

910
01:03:37.840 --> 01:03:42.160
of his eye. This is amazing. You know, and I would just do my stuff and then I'd go sit on

911
01:03:42.160 --> 01:03:48.160
the balcony with my breakfast and I would, you know, I would just choose, okay, me sitting here.

912
01:03:48.160 --> 01:03:53.040
God loves me. He's not looking on me thinking, actually, why aren't you doing this? Actually,

913
01:03:53.040 --> 01:03:56.640
why aren't you doing this? Actually, why did you do that yesterday? Actually, what are you going

914
01:03:56.640 --> 01:04:04.480
to do tomorrow? Have you planned that? You know, and I just chose that, that I chose to disconnect

915
01:04:04.480 --> 01:04:13.200
my interaction with God from my actions, that my interactions with God, my connection with him,

916
01:04:13.200 --> 01:04:21.520
him talking to me or his love for me was completely separated from what it is that I did.

917
01:04:22.560 --> 01:04:27.840
And I had to choose that that was true. So that's what I did. And I chose, and that's how I started

918
01:04:27.840 --> 01:04:34.640
on this journey of shifting, you know, into rest and all of that is I did that before I knew

919
01:04:34.640 --> 01:04:38.800
anything about rest. In fact, this was six months before God gave me the word rest.

920
01:04:40.640 --> 01:04:44.320
Well, I say that, I don't know, maybe it was four months. I don't know. It was four, six months,

921
01:04:44.320 --> 01:04:47.600
something like that before he gave me the word rest. I didn't know what I was doing,

922
01:04:47.600 --> 01:04:51.760
except for the fact that God kept saying things and I thought, I don't believe it.

923
01:04:51.760 --> 01:04:58.560
No. So I've got to make myself choose it, because belief isn't coming without me.

924
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:03.720
hasn't come yet. I've wanted it badly. And I prayed and asked

925
01:05:03.720 --> 01:05:08.280
God for it, and it still hasn't come. So I will make it so I

926
01:05:08.280 --> 01:05:11.960
would choose that it's true. And everything changed. Everything

927
01:05:11.960 --> 01:05:15.400
in my life completely changed. Because he's like, now you

928
01:05:15.400 --> 01:05:20.160
believe me. So now you can experience my love. Now you can

929
01:05:20.160 --> 01:05:23.680
experience the union. Now you can experience rest and love,

930
01:05:23.680 --> 01:05:28.800
joy and peace, because you chose it. You chose to believe me. And

931
01:05:28.800 --> 01:05:33.200
so now because you believe me, you get to experience all of the

932
01:05:33.200 --> 01:05:38.120
things that I've already given. So what are your thoughts?

933
01:05:43.320 --> 01:05:50.160
I think it sounds freeing and amazing. I wonder if

934
01:05:53.760 --> 01:05:56.280
do you think it would be helpful when you're talking about these

935
01:05:56.280 --> 01:06:00.200
two different things, to let go of some of these things for a

936
01:06:00.200 --> 01:06:13.160
period, like you mentioned, like things like maybe I have rituals

937
01:06:13.160 --> 01:06:19.080
with fasting, tithing, giving, praying, reading the Bible,

938
01:06:19.080 --> 01:06:27.120
community, and, and also distracting myself, something I

939
01:06:27.120 --> 01:06:41.200
thought I'd mentioned to you that maybe it's helpful to I

940
01:06:41.200 --> 01:06:43.840
think it's hard, like you're saying to reconcile these

941
01:06:43.840 --> 01:06:44.560
things.

942
01:06:48.080 --> 01:06:53.240
So because obviously, to choose to believe God, it's something

943
01:06:53.240 --> 01:06:56.280
you do, it's I can't just sit and wait for it to happen,

944
01:06:56.320 --> 01:06:58.680
because I have prayed for it, and I have waited and it hasn't

945
01:06:58.680 --> 01:07:03.720
happened. So maybe it's, it would be helpful for a period,

946
01:07:03.720 --> 01:07:07.160
like you say, to let go of some things and just trust that God

947
01:07:07.160 --> 01:07:10.320
will hold it like and you're not going to turn back. And it

948
01:07:10.320 --> 01:07:12.960
doesn't, you're never going to read the Bible again, and you're

949
01:07:12.960 --> 01:07:18.720
never going to give money or you're not correct. And I did

950
01:07:18.720 --> 01:07:22.000
all of those things. I let all those things go for a while,

951
01:07:22.200 --> 01:07:25.440
because I couldn't let go of the things because with me, I'm

952
01:07:25.440 --> 01:07:27.960
tormented with doing the right thing all the time. I'm like,

953
01:07:28.000 --> 01:07:30.960
correct, want to do the right thing. What? Tell me what to do.

954
01:07:30.960 --> 01:07:34.840
I'll do it whenever, whenever you do. I was doing all of

955
01:07:34.840 --> 01:07:38.440
those, like a religion, the right thing. Yeah. And I think

956
01:07:38.440 --> 01:07:42.240
it is because I don't want to please God. Yeah. I love him so

957
01:07:42.240 --> 01:07:46.200
much. Yeah, so much. I want to please him. I really want him to

958
01:07:46.200 --> 01:07:50.480
be happy with me. But so then I'm like, I didn't read the

959
01:07:50.480 --> 01:07:54.040
Bible today or for a few days, I need to read it. And then some

960
01:07:54.040 --> 01:07:57.040
of these things that are actually good becomes

961
01:07:58.080 --> 01:08:01.760
become a hindrance between you and God, because you're using

962
01:08:01.760 --> 01:08:02.840
him as payment.

963
01:08:02.880 --> 01:08:07.480
Yes, yeah, yeah. And then I feel good about myself. And then I

964
01:08:07.480 --> 01:08:11.600
feel also that he should reward me. Like, yeah, honestly,

965
01:08:11.640 --> 01:08:17.000
that's exactly no, exactly what we do. Like, when you're honest,

966
01:08:17.040 --> 01:08:20.840
you actually are a reward. Exactly. So I'm just thinking

967
01:08:20.840 --> 01:08:24.000
when I listen to you, maybe it would be helpful just to

968
01:08:24.000 --> 01:08:29.279
surrender some of the things that I do all the time, just for

969
01:08:29.279 --> 01:08:36.760
a period and just open up for his love daily. Yeah. I don't

970
01:08:36.760 --> 01:08:43.200
know. Yeah. And especially choose that he loves you. When

971
01:08:43.200 --> 01:08:47.000
you are tempted to feel condemned, because you're not

972
01:08:47.000 --> 01:08:50.479
doing the thing. So for instance, the way that I did it

973
01:08:50.479 --> 01:08:55.359
an example of what I did is I would find myself what I used

974
01:08:55.359 --> 01:09:03.040
to use is I used to use apology to the Lord for doing sins

975
01:09:03.080 --> 01:09:05.920
intentionally or unintentionally. I used to use

976
01:09:05.920 --> 01:09:10.640
apology to the Lord as payment for him to talk to me again.

977
01:09:10.840 --> 01:09:14.120
Because when I was growing up, I was told by my Sunday school

978
01:09:14.120 --> 01:09:17.600
teacher. Well, technically, it was my it was my school teacher,

979
01:09:17.600 --> 01:09:21.319
but I went to a Christian school. And I was told by him

980
01:09:21.319 --> 01:09:25.600
in fourth grade, that God stopped talking to me when I

981
01:09:25.600 --> 01:09:28.960
sinned. Well, that terrified the living daylights out of me

982
01:09:28.960 --> 01:09:32.359
because sometimes because this was the same teacher who told

983
01:09:32.359 --> 01:09:36.640
me that the Israelites had that God had a special sacrifice

984
01:09:36.640 --> 01:09:40.240
that the Israelites did, and we're supposed to do when they

985
01:09:40.240 --> 01:09:44.479
send in didn't know it. It was to cover all of the sins that

986
01:09:44.479 --> 01:09:46.800
they had done in a certain amount of time that they weren't

987
01:09:46.800 --> 01:09:49.680
even aware that they had done any sense. And I'm like, Oh my

988
01:09:49.680 --> 01:09:54.600
goodness. So you mean that God could stop talking to me? When

989
01:09:54.600 --> 01:09:57.480
I've done something, and I don't even know I've done it. So

990
01:09:57.480 --> 01:10:00.080
sometimes I'm in connection with God. And sometimes I'm not

991
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:02.840
And I don't know when it comes and goes, I was terrified.

992
01:10:03.240 --> 01:10:06.480
And so what I would do is I would just apologize all the time to the Lord.

993
01:10:07.160 --> 01:10:07.800
God, I'm sorry.

994
01:10:07.800 --> 01:10:11.080
I don't know what it is that I've just, that I've done, but Lord, I'm sorry.

995
01:10:11.280 --> 01:10:11.600
I'm sorry.

996
01:10:11.600 --> 01:10:11.840
Sorry.

997
01:10:12.120 --> 01:10:15.560
Anyway, so I stopped doing that as I got older, stopped apologizing for all

998
01:10:15.560 --> 01:10:20.160
these things that I wasn't aware of, but I was still apologizing all the time

999
01:10:20.400 --> 01:10:25.280
for things that I thought were maybe wrong, maybe possibly wrong, or maybe

1000
01:10:25.280 --> 01:10:28.360
we're done with the, they were right, but they were done with the bad heart or

1001
01:10:29.320 --> 01:10:31.400
a pure intention and therefore I apologize.

1002
01:10:31.760 --> 01:10:33.440
It was, Oh, it was constant.

1003
01:10:33.440 --> 01:10:36.840
In fact, it's, it's one of those things that has driven people crazy about me

1004
01:10:36.840 --> 01:10:39.720
is that I historically have just apologized all the time.

1005
01:10:40.120 --> 01:10:41.200
I've gotten a lot better about it.

1006
01:10:41.280 --> 01:10:45.840
But anyway, the thing is that I realized when I was trying to learn all this

1007
01:10:45.840 --> 01:10:56.480
with the Lord, that I was that I was using apology as payment, in other words,

1008
01:10:56.520 --> 01:11:00.160
to transact something to God in order to get something from him.

1009
01:11:00.960 --> 01:11:03.360
Like, okay, God, I will, I'll do this.

1010
01:11:03.400 --> 01:11:07.880
And now that I put a little quarter in the machine, well then, you know, I'll

1011
01:11:07.880 --> 01:11:12.040
get connection with you back or you'll talk to me again, or yours and my

1012
01:11:12.040 --> 01:11:16.120
relationship will be restored because the only way it's broken Lord is because

1013
01:11:16.120 --> 01:11:19.440
I've done something because you don't ever do anything wrong.

1014
01:11:19.720 --> 01:11:21.240
So apparently it's always me.

1015
01:11:21.520 --> 01:11:27.720
So I'm always trying to work hard to make up the difference because I've messed it

1016
01:11:27.720 --> 01:11:30.160
up, so therefore I have to fix it.

1017
01:11:30.560 --> 01:11:31.760
And that's actually not true.

1018
01:11:31.760 --> 01:11:38.040
God says in the Bible that because in order to avoid the fact that, how would I

1019
01:11:38.040 --> 01:11:43.800
word that in order to avoid the fact that we could mess it up and that we could

1020
01:11:43.800 --> 01:11:48.640
break the covenant, he didn't allow us to be part of the covenant and God may

1021
01:11:48.640 --> 01:11:51.760
covenant with himself and we just get to benefit from it.

1022
01:11:52.080 --> 01:11:54.880
And he did it that way so that the covenant could never be broken

1023
01:11:54.880 --> 01:11:56.200
or never change or whatever.

1024
01:11:56.320 --> 01:12:03.720
So it is mentioned that in Hebrews six, but anyway so, and then also the

1025
01:12:03.720 --> 01:12:05.560
fact that Jesus was asleep.

1026
01:12:05.560 --> 01:12:08.680
In other words, he was dead when God made covenant.

1027
01:12:09.760 --> 01:12:12.920
So in other words, Jesus being dead, he couldn't make the covenant.

1028
01:12:12.960 --> 01:12:18.000
So it was, it's very, it was a symbol of the fact that God was doing it himself.

1029
01:12:18.920 --> 01:12:22.640
So, um, anyway, um, where was I going with that?

1030
01:12:22.680 --> 01:12:22.920
Oh yeah.

1031
01:12:22.920 --> 01:12:23.520
The apology.

1032
01:12:23.520 --> 01:12:28.280
So what I started to do in order, again, drastic measures, reckless

1033
01:12:28.280 --> 01:12:34.160
abandoned, what I began to do to teach myself to believe God, if he said he

1034
01:12:34.160 --> 01:12:38.240
loved me unconditionally and he doesn't, and I'm unified with him, that means

1035
01:12:38.240 --> 01:12:39.320
he doesn't stop talking to me.

1036
01:12:40.080 --> 01:12:43.960
So I'm like, okay, so how can I get myself to believe this?

1037
01:12:43.960 --> 01:12:45.720
In other words, to choose that this is true.

1038
01:12:45.760 --> 01:12:49.400
How can I, because if you, if you say you believe it, but you don't act on

1039
01:12:49.400 --> 01:12:50.840
it, then you don't really believe it.

1040
01:12:51.120 --> 01:12:52.840
So it's like, okay, I'm not acting like it.

1041
01:12:52.840 --> 01:12:54.280
So apparently I don't really believe it.

1042
01:12:54.520 --> 01:12:59.320
So how, what can I do to help myself really finally choose it?

1043
01:12:59.320 --> 01:13:01.680
And I thought, okay, I'm going to have to put myself in a

1044
01:13:01.680 --> 01:13:03.520
risky situation with the Lord.

1045
01:13:04.360 --> 01:13:09.000
So I would find myself intentionally sinning or maybe unintentionally

1046
01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:09.960
sinning, whatever it was.

1047
01:13:09.960 --> 01:13:12.040
And I would suddenly realize what I was doing.

1048
01:13:12.080 --> 01:13:14.440
And so I was like, okay, this is a good opportunity.

1049
01:13:15.320 --> 01:13:17.600
And normally I would just feel so guilty.

1050
01:13:17.600 --> 01:13:19.600
And I'm like, goodness, Lord, I'm so sorry.

1051
01:13:19.600 --> 01:13:20.440
And then I would start it.

1052
01:13:20.520 --> 01:13:23.720
I would think, oh my goodness, I I'm separated from God because

1053
01:13:23.720 --> 01:13:24.800
that's what I told myself.

1054
01:13:25.320 --> 01:13:26.560
And that's what other people had told me.

1055
01:13:26.800 --> 01:13:27.920
Oh no, I'm separated from God.

1056
01:13:28.080 --> 01:13:29.360
I want to be reconnected with him.

1057
01:13:29.360 --> 01:13:30.280
So what do I need to do?

1058
01:13:30.520 --> 01:13:31.480
I need to apologize.

1059
01:13:31.680 --> 01:13:34.400
And I need to feel really, really, really, really bad about it because

1060
01:13:34.400 --> 01:13:38.320
that's part of the, as part of the payment is I feel really bad.

1061
01:13:38.320 --> 01:13:38.960
I feel shame.

1062
01:13:38.960 --> 01:13:39.800
I felt condemnation.

1063
01:13:39.800 --> 01:13:40.320
I felt guilt.

1064
01:13:41.480 --> 01:13:43.960
So I thought, okay, but what does God say?

1065
01:13:44.440 --> 01:13:48.560
That God says that he loves me unconditionally.

1066
01:13:49.040 --> 01:13:50.600
That means without conditions.

1067
01:13:50.920 --> 01:13:56.160
That means even if I sin intentionally or unintentionally, he doesn't stop loving

1068
01:13:56.160 --> 01:13:58.440
me and I'm still connected with him.

1069
01:13:58.480 --> 01:13:59.960
And therefore he still talks to me.

1070
01:14:00.440 --> 01:14:03.520
So I'm going to take God at his word.

1071
01:14:04.360 --> 01:14:10.560
And I'm going to teach myself to trust him and to believe him by allowing

1072
01:14:10.600 --> 01:14:15.280
myself to be in this, in that situation and not apologize.

1073
01:14:16.400 --> 01:14:20.640
So in other words, not try to pay him for something that he

1074
01:14:20.640 --> 01:14:23.160
told me I can't pay him for.

1075
01:14:24.120 --> 01:14:27.720
So I didn't allow myself to try to pay him.

1076
01:14:27.720 --> 01:14:31.840
So what I would do is I would find myself in that situation where I was

1077
01:14:31.840 --> 01:14:37.120
intentionally or unintentionally sinning and I would stop and I'd say, okay.

1078
01:14:37.120 --> 01:14:40.480
And I kind of like sit in it for a second and really drive it home to

1079
01:14:40.480 --> 01:14:46.080
myself that I'm in sin and I don't know what it was, it was probably like, I

1080
01:14:46.080 --> 01:14:49.680
don't know, I was, I happened to have thought a negative thought about somebody

1081
01:14:49.680 --> 01:14:51.160
that I was frustrated with or something.

1082
01:14:51.160 --> 01:14:51.520
I don't know.

1083
01:14:52.800 --> 01:15:00.080
And I, and so I, I told the Lord and so I chose, okay, God loves me right now.

1084
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.500
He completely delights in me.

1085
01:15:02.500 --> 01:15:03.980
So I did the same thing that I did

1086
01:15:03.980 --> 01:15:06.420
like when I was making my bed or making breakfast

1087
01:15:06.420 --> 01:15:10.940
or in the shower, God loves me completely right now.

1088
01:15:10.940 --> 01:15:12.140
He delights in me.

1089
01:15:12.140 --> 01:15:13.740
I'm unified with him.

1090
01:15:13.740 --> 01:15:15.860
He's talking to me right now.

1091
01:15:15.860 --> 01:15:17.500
I made the choice that that,

1092
01:15:17.500 --> 01:15:19.980
and I made up that that was real.

1093
01:15:19.980 --> 01:15:23.300
Again, I didn't make it up, but it feels like it.

1094
01:15:23.300 --> 01:15:24.580
It's that kind of a thing,

1095
01:15:24.580 --> 01:15:26.780
like you are making a decision

1096
01:15:26.780 --> 01:15:29.220
and you're making something reality.

1097
01:15:29.220 --> 01:15:31.380
So anyway, I chose that and then I thought, okay,

1098
01:15:31.380 --> 01:15:34.220
and then what else can I do to kind of solidify this

1099
01:15:34.220 --> 01:15:37.180
to myself that it really is true

1100
01:15:37.180 --> 01:15:39.980
without me having to apologize to the Lord.

1101
01:15:39.980 --> 01:15:43.740
Like in other words, that he hasn't broken contact with me

1102
01:15:43.740 --> 01:15:45.700
or communication or connection.

1103
01:15:45.700 --> 01:15:48.300
And I thought, I'll ask him for something

1104
01:15:49.780 --> 01:15:53.580
because according to what he says about himself,

1105
01:15:53.580 --> 01:15:58.580
he never breaks that bond, that love, that connection.

1106
01:15:58.980 --> 01:16:02.500
He loves me because that's who he is,

1107
01:16:02.500 --> 01:16:04.900
not based off of what I do.

1108
01:16:04.900 --> 01:16:06.420
That's why he loves.

1109
01:16:06.420 --> 01:16:09.220
He's God, he can't help but love.

1110
01:16:09.220 --> 01:16:12.340
So the fact that he loves me says everything about him

1111
01:16:12.340 --> 01:16:13.460
and nothing about me.

1112
01:16:15.060 --> 01:16:17.260
It just, that's he who he is

1113
01:16:17.260 --> 01:16:20.460
and he needed an object for being who he was.

1114
01:16:20.460 --> 01:16:23.220
In other words, to get to receive his character.

1115
01:16:23.220 --> 01:16:27.820
So he made us, but he loves because it's just who he is.

1116
01:16:28.420 --> 01:16:31.420
When he wakes up every morning, that's just who he is,

1117
01:16:31.420 --> 01:16:33.780
which God doesn't wake up, but you know,

1118
01:16:33.780 --> 01:16:36.500
when he's just up every morning, that's who he is.

1119
01:16:36.500 --> 01:16:37.340
He just loves.

1120
01:16:37.340 --> 01:16:41.900
So anyway, what I did is I thought, okay,

1121
01:16:41.900 --> 01:16:43.500
well, God says that he's,

1122
01:16:43.500 --> 01:16:47.020
all I have to do is when I want something,

1123
01:16:47.020 --> 01:16:48.820
all I have to do is ask him for it.

1124
01:16:48.820 --> 01:16:52.020
So in the middle of my sin, without me apologizing,

1125
01:16:52.020 --> 01:16:54.100
I am choosing that he loves me,

1126
01:16:54.100 --> 01:16:57.620
that I'm unified with him, that he's talking to me

1127
01:16:58.620 --> 01:17:03.460
that he gives me things because he's a good father,

1128
01:17:03.460 --> 01:17:05.540
not because I've deserved it,

1129
01:17:05.540 --> 01:17:07.340
not because I've worked for it,

1130
01:17:07.340 --> 01:17:09.300
it's simply because that's who he is.

1131
01:17:09.300 --> 01:17:12.020
And he, as a good father, loves me

1132
01:17:12.020 --> 01:17:13.660
and wants to give me things.

1133
01:17:13.660 --> 01:17:15.380
So I would ask him for things

1134
01:17:15.380 --> 01:17:17.460
and he would start to do them.

1135
01:17:17.460 --> 01:17:20.460
He would answer my prayers.

1136
01:17:20.460 --> 01:17:23.100
He would answer what I asked of him.

1137
01:17:23.100 --> 01:17:28.100
And then it wasn't until after I could finally disconnect

1138
01:17:28.460 --> 01:17:33.460
by my association of my apology with a payment

1139
01:17:34.300 --> 01:17:36.580
and realize I don't have to pay

1140
01:17:36.580 --> 01:17:39.020
because I've already had everything

1141
01:17:39.020 --> 01:17:42.260
and I'm receiving the benefits of all of the things

1142
01:17:42.260 --> 01:17:45.380
that I used to apologize in order to try to get.

1143
01:17:45.380 --> 01:17:47.780
I got him now without the apology.

1144
01:17:47.780 --> 01:17:49.620
So apparently God is true.

1145
01:17:49.620 --> 01:17:52.060
Apparently what he says really is true,

1146
01:17:52.060 --> 01:17:54.460
but I had to put myself in that situation

1147
01:17:54.460 --> 01:17:57.700
to allow God to prove himself, so to speak,

1148
01:17:57.700 --> 01:18:00.100
in order for God to quote unquote, show up

1149
01:18:01.460 --> 01:18:04.260
like he said that he really is.

1150
01:18:04.260 --> 01:18:09.260
And so anyway, it wasn't until I could finally believe him

1151
01:18:10.540 --> 01:18:13.220
that I would finally apologize.

1152
01:18:13.220 --> 01:18:15.820
And the reason I would apologize,

1153
01:18:15.820 --> 01:18:17.820
sorry, the reason I would apologize

1154
01:18:17.820 --> 01:18:21.100
is simply because I'm in relationship with him.

1155
01:18:21.100 --> 01:18:24.340
And I'm like, Lord, I'm sorry for what it is that I did.

1156
01:18:24.340 --> 01:18:26.020
My sin, in other words,

1157
01:18:26.020 --> 01:18:28.620
the action that I did out of my unbelief,

1158
01:18:28.620 --> 01:18:31.060
because that's what sin is, is unbelief.

1159
01:18:31.060 --> 01:18:34.100
I apologize to you about that because I love you.

1160
01:18:35.260 --> 01:18:36.980
You love me unconditionally.

1161
01:18:36.980 --> 01:18:38.180
I love you.

1162
01:18:38.180 --> 01:18:39.900
And so I'm going to apologize

1163
01:18:39.900 --> 01:18:43.140
simply because we have relationship,

1164
01:18:43.140 --> 01:18:48.140
but no longer, Lord, in order to give you something

1165
01:18:48.980 --> 01:18:53.340
that you're waiting for me to give you

1166
01:18:53.340 --> 01:18:55.340
before you interact with me,

1167
01:18:55.340 --> 01:18:58.780
you say that there's no qualifications for that.

1168
01:18:58.780 --> 01:19:00.540
So I'm going to release that.

1169
01:19:00.540 --> 01:19:03.860
So anyway, is that helpful?

1170
01:19:05.540 --> 01:19:06.540
So that's what I did.

1171
01:19:06.540 --> 01:19:09.380
But so what it is that you do, if you choose,

1172
01:19:09.380 --> 01:19:11.860
okay, we're going to abandon this for a while

1173
01:19:11.860 --> 01:19:15.100
in order to step out in faith

1174
01:19:15.100 --> 01:19:18.700
and put yourself in a position to choose

1175
01:19:18.700 --> 01:19:22.460
that you really are, that God is who he says that he is,

1176
01:19:22.460 --> 01:19:25.220
is you have to choose that as opposed to,

1177
01:19:25.220 --> 01:19:27.620
okay, I'm just going to stop all of this.

1178
01:19:27.620 --> 01:19:30.260
It's like you exchange it for, okay,

1179
01:19:30.260 --> 01:19:35.020
instead of feeling bad when I'm not doing it,

1180
01:19:35.020 --> 01:19:35.860
so in other words,

1181
01:19:35.860 --> 01:19:37.660
if ever though you're tempted to feel bad,

1182
01:19:37.660 --> 01:19:42.660
like, oh my word, yeah, in that situation,

1183
01:19:42.900 --> 01:19:45.420
release yourself from the shame and condemnation

1184
01:19:45.420 --> 01:19:47.300
because God said so.

1185
01:19:47.300 --> 01:19:49.740
God says that you are not condemned,

1186
01:19:49.740 --> 01:19:51.020
even when you do those,

1187
01:19:51.020 --> 01:19:53.140
even when, if you don't do those things,

1188
01:19:53.140 --> 01:19:55.380
even if you don't believe him, you're not condemned.

1189
01:19:55.380 --> 01:19:59.180
So anyway, and then you choose that you were loved

1190
01:19:59.180 --> 01:20:01.260
while you were not condemned.

1191
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:02.520
or not doing the thing.

1192
01:20:02.520 --> 01:20:06.120
So you exchange your focus for,

1193
01:20:06.120 --> 01:20:09.200
used to your priority was being aware

1194
01:20:09.200 --> 01:20:11.640
of what it is you needed to do.

1195
01:20:11.640 --> 01:20:13.640
And you would, you know,

1196
01:20:13.640 --> 01:20:16.680
you would do it in order to please God or whatever.

1197
01:20:16.680 --> 01:20:20.520
Now, in that place, instead of,

1198
01:20:20.520 --> 01:20:23.640
when you're faced with, oh, I should do this.

1199
01:20:23.640 --> 01:20:24.640
Oh, sorry.

1200
01:20:24.640 --> 01:20:27.040
I'm just not sitting up straight.

1201
01:20:27.040 --> 01:20:28.880
And you're not doing this.

1202
01:20:28.880 --> 01:20:31.000
Now, instead, what you,

1203
01:20:31.000 --> 01:20:33.480
instead of relying on you doing it

1204
01:20:33.480 --> 01:20:36.720
in order to make you safe and secure with God,

1205
01:20:36.720 --> 01:20:38.880
you choose instead, no.

1206
01:20:38.880 --> 01:20:43.040
I am fully loved, fully unified with the Lord.

1207
01:20:43.040 --> 01:20:45.200
He's talking to me right now.

1208
01:20:45.200 --> 01:20:46.720
And I choose that.

1209
01:20:46.720 --> 01:20:49.280
If he said that that's the case,

1210
01:20:49.280 --> 01:20:51.560
then it really is the case.

1211
01:20:51.560 --> 01:20:56.560
And you exchange believing him for feeling better.

1212
01:20:57.560 --> 01:20:58.760
Hmm.

1213
01:20:58.760 --> 01:21:02.320
Believe him instead, make that your higher priority.

1214
01:21:02.320 --> 01:21:05.080
And that will make you feel better, by the way,

1215
01:21:05.080 --> 01:21:07.640
because this is such a beautiful, wonderful thing.

1216
01:21:07.640 --> 01:21:09.880
The fact that he loves you unconditionally,

1217
01:21:09.880 --> 01:21:11.920
you know, the fact that he's always talking to you

1218
01:21:11.920 --> 01:21:13.680
and he never loses connection with you,

1219
01:21:13.680 --> 01:21:14.520
you know, et cetera,

1220
01:21:14.520 --> 01:21:17.480
that you didn't do anything that would affect,

1221
01:21:17.480 --> 01:21:19.880
that would change how God interacts with you

1222
01:21:19.880 --> 01:21:22.840
because he interacts with you based off of who he is,

1223
01:21:22.840 --> 01:21:24.160
not off of who you are.

1224
01:21:25.160 --> 01:21:27.000
God, that's what rest is.

1225
01:21:27.000 --> 01:21:30.720
He literally does everything.

1226
01:21:30.720 --> 01:21:34.640
All that we have to do is just receive the fact,

1227
01:21:34.640 --> 01:21:36.240
receive him doing everything.

1228
01:21:36.240 --> 01:21:38.960
It's allowing him to do everything.

1229
01:21:38.960 --> 01:21:39.960
That's all we have to do.

1230
01:21:39.960 --> 01:21:42.200
In other words, we have to stop doing it

1231
01:21:42.200 --> 01:21:43.680
and we have to allow him to do it.

1232
01:21:43.680 --> 01:21:48.680
So it's the stopping, the stopping of the trying.

1233
01:21:49.000 --> 01:21:51.760
That's where that whole stop trying comes in.

1234
01:21:51.960 --> 01:21:54.960
It's like, you allow God to be himself.

1235
01:21:54.960 --> 01:21:56.560
You allow God to do it.

1236
01:21:57.560 --> 01:21:58.840
You know, it's the allowing.

1237
01:21:58.840 --> 01:22:03.840
It's not a working to try to help to believe God

1238
01:22:04.640 --> 01:22:06.760
or whatever, it's allowing him.

1239
01:22:07.920 --> 01:22:10.400
But anyway, so that's what you would exchange

1240
01:22:10.400 --> 01:22:12.560
the not doing all those things for.

1241
01:22:12.560 --> 01:22:13.920
Whenever you feel bad,

1242
01:22:13.920 --> 01:22:16.240
you're gonna feel bad because you're thinking,

1243
01:22:16.240 --> 01:22:20.720
you're believing that it's keeping you from God,

1244
01:22:20.720 --> 01:22:22.560
keeping God from you,

1245
01:22:22.560 --> 01:22:26.000
that you need to make your payment

1246
01:22:26.000 --> 01:22:29.360
in order to be assured of a connection with the Lord.

1247
01:22:29.360 --> 01:22:31.240
And you have to choose that if God says

1248
01:22:31.240 --> 01:22:35.200
they're not required, then act like, okay,

1249
01:22:35.200 --> 01:22:36.360
then it's not required.

1250
01:22:36.360 --> 01:22:37.960
So therefore I'm not gonna do it.

1251
01:22:37.960 --> 01:22:39.360
It's just for a season

1252
01:22:39.360 --> 01:22:42.880
so that you can trade out why you're doing it.

1253
01:22:42.880 --> 01:22:46.120
So you can stop doing it in payment to the Lord

1254
01:22:46.120 --> 01:22:51.080
and you can build up your security in being loved by him

1255
01:22:51.080 --> 01:22:52.720
and then start doing those things

1256
01:22:52.720 --> 01:22:55.240
because you're loved by him,

1257
01:22:55.240 --> 01:22:57.880
because that's who you naturally are anyway.

1258
01:22:57.880 --> 01:23:01.280
But right now we're doing it out of sweat

1259
01:23:01.280 --> 01:23:03.320
so it doesn't count anyway.

1260
01:23:04.280 --> 01:23:07.960
Because anything we do out of sweat doesn't count.

1261
01:23:07.960 --> 01:23:11.680
Tithing, because we feel we have to, doesn't count.

1262
01:23:13.320 --> 01:23:15.480
You know, the same thing with like loving him

1263
01:23:15.800 --> 01:23:16.640
or reading the Bible,

1264
01:23:16.640 --> 01:23:18.760
those things do not count

1265
01:23:18.760 --> 01:23:21.840
if we're doing them out of obligation.

1266
01:23:21.840 --> 01:23:23.880
It's only if we do them out of love

1267
01:23:23.880 --> 01:23:25.600
that they count with the Lord,

1268
01:23:25.600 --> 01:23:27.160
that the Lord's like, yeah, see, you're doing it

1269
01:23:27.160 --> 01:23:30.760
because that's who you are, you know.

1270
01:23:34.480 --> 01:23:37.000
So it's okay to give it up

1271
01:23:37.000 --> 01:23:40.160
because it's not working anyway

1272
01:23:41.720 --> 01:23:43.320
because we're doing it out of sweat.

1273
01:23:43.440 --> 01:23:46.600
We're doing it because God can't be paid.

1274
01:23:46.600 --> 01:23:51.400
Something in it is wanting to please him.

1275
01:23:51.400 --> 01:23:52.240
Yeah.

1276
01:23:52.240 --> 01:23:53.600
And I think it's something else

1277
01:23:53.600 --> 01:23:55.800
that I wanted to tell you or ask you about

1278
01:23:55.800 --> 01:23:59.720
was maybe it's related to this

1279
01:23:59.720 --> 01:24:01.560
or maybe it's a little bit different,

1280
01:24:01.560 --> 01:24:06.560
but I'm, I don't know,

1281
01:24:07.640 --> 01:24:12.640
I'm a person that I'm usually pretty creative

1282
01:24:12.680 --> 01:24:17.680
and I've had a lot of prophecies over my life.

1283
01:24:18.200 --> 01:24:22.240
And right now I'm in a place,

1284
01:24:22.240 --> 01:24:23.800
I don't know, maybe it's a coincidence

1285
01:24:23.800 --> 01:24:27.440
or maybe God led me to a place where right now

1286
01:24:27.440 --> 01:24:32.440
I'm not doing any of the things that I usually do

1287
01:24:32.960 --> 01:24:34.640
and I'm not able to distract.

1288
01:24:34.640 --> 01:24:37.160
It could be things like I used to lead worship,

1289
01:24:37.160 --> 01:24:39.320
be in singing, I used to dance, write,

1290
01:24:39.320 --> 01:24:41.680
vlog, be active on social media.

1291
01:24:43.240 --> 01:24:44.760
Give quite a bit of money.

1292
01:24:44.760 --> 01:24:47.280
I used to run and train.

1293
01:24:47.280 --> 01:24:50.360
And right now I'm not,

1294
01:24:50.360 --> 01:24:52.800
not all the time, everything at the same time,

1295
01:24:52.800 --> 01:24:54.240
different seasons in my life.

1296
01:24:55.280 --> 01:24:57.960
And now I don't do anything.

1297
01:24:57.960 --> 01:24:59.000
And partly it's,

1298
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:05.840
I think because I'm tired and I'm not able to distract myself, it's I've used it as coping

1299
01:25:05.840 --> 01:25:11.920
mechanism, partly to deal with, partly because I loved it and it was who I was and partly to

1300
01:25:11.920 --> 01:25:19.280
distract myself from childhood wounds and trauma. And also like, I'm thinking too much about saying,

1301
01:25:19.280 --> 01:25:24.240
well, if I go for a walk, I'll feel better or I'll make dinner. And you're using it as

1302
01:25:24.880 --> 01:25:28.960
mechanism to distract yourself and to handle life. And I think we talked about it in that

1303
01:25:28.960 --> 01:25:36.880
previous talk that I, I've been asking questions, do I, I feel horrible about myself because I'm

1304
01:25:36.880 --> 01:25:42.640
not living in anything that God gave me as talents or gifts or what I like to do. And,

1305
01:25:44.160 --> 01:25:50.720
but I also feel really tired of distracting myself all the time. Yeah. So I feel, and then,

1306
01:25:50.720 --> 01:25:54.400
and part of me is like, well, you just need to join the worship team again. Then you're going

1307
01:25:54.400 --> 01:25:58.800
to feel better about yourself or you need to get your pay. You're, you need to get yourself

1308
01:25:58.800 --> 01:26:05.680
together and start running again, or you need to start blogging, but there's, but some part of me

1309
01:26:05.680 --> 01:26:13.040
just, just can't do it. But then it makes me feel even more miserable. And like, I'm nothing,

1310
01:26:13.040 --> 01:26:20.640
I'm worthless. I don't have a voice in the world or anywhere and I can't distract myself. I know

1311
01:26:20.640 --> 01:26:27.600
I should go for a run, but I, all I can do is lay on the couch and drink Coke. It's like,

1312
01:26:27.600 --> 01:26:38.880
so it's like, it's, I just don't know how to, I don't know, understand what's going on or how to

1313
01:26:40.320 --> 01:26:48.800
handle this. I'm tired of distracting myself. At the same time, I know that God gave me certain

1314
01:26:48.800 --> 01:26:57.520
gifts, which he would love for me to use, but I just can't just start worship team just because

1315
01:26:57.520 --> 01:27:04.000
I feel bad and worthless because I'm not singing as well. This is going on at the same time.

1316
01:27:04.000 --> 01:27:14.960
And I'm wondering what it is. And because I feel just like nothing like a nobody. Yeah.

1317
01:27:15.920 --> 01:27:21.040
So I would recommend that you start doing some of those things again, and you get to pick which ones

1318
01:27:21.040 --> 01:27:26.800
they are, but you do them from a different place instead of doing them to distract you or as a

1319
01:27:26.800 --> 01:27:35.120
coping mechanism or, Oh, I should do this. Think of like, just so this'll come a bit easier. Maybe

1320
01:27:35.120 --> 01:27:43.520
when, um, you, uh, when you choose more and more that you are unconditionally loved

1321
01:27:43.520 --> 01:27:50.880
and delighted in just because of who it is that you are pick something because you like it,

1322
01:27:50.880 --> 01:27:58.880
it gets you excited for no other reason than the flat out heck of it. You're not doing, you're not,

1323
01:27:58.880 --> 01:28:03.280
you're not like trying to accomplish anything. You're not trying to like, make yourself better.

1324
01:28:03.280 --> 01:28:10.960
You're like, what would be fun just to do where, where it doesn't have to grow into anything.

1325
01:28:10.960 --> 01:28:17.680
I, it doesn't have to be me being productive. I, cause a lot of times we don't let ourselves do

1326
01:28:17.680 --> 01:28:21.280
hobbies because they don't feel productive. We're like, well, I should be doing something else

1327
01:28:21.280 --> 01:28:27.200
instead or whatever. So like painting or drawing or writing, or I'm trying to remember the things

1328
01:28:27.200 --> 01:28:33.360
that you said, you know, being on social media, what makes you come alive and just feels fun?

1329
01:28:33.840 --> 01:28:39.520
Huh? It doesn't. Nothing makes you feel alive right now. Everything just feels

1330
01:28:41.360 --> 01:28:48.240
it. None of it gives me joy. Does it get, does it give you joy? And we're just exploring this,

1331
01:28:48.240 --> 01:28:54.800
you know, does it not give you joy because you feel some kind of a subconscious pressure

1332
01:28:55.440 --> 01:29:01.440
that it's supposed to result in something or it's supposed to be good enough. So, yes. So that's,

1333
01:29:01.440 --> 01:29:06.160
that's the other thing about like, remember that we're supposed to release the outcome to God,

1334
01:29:06.880 --> 01:29:12.240
the same thing with like being creative or expressing our hobbies or whatever. A lot of

1335
01:29:12.240 --> 01:29:20.880
times we're told, um, by, uh, uh, you know, in the world that, Hey, you know, you need to get a goal

1336
01:29:20.880 --> 01:29:26.880
and work towards the goal. And the problem with that is, and while that's not necessarily bad,

1337
01:29:26.880 --> 01:29:35.440
it's the problem is that we can start to idolize the goal and think that the goal and getting there

1338
01:29:35.440 --> 01:29:42.400
and the destination is what's important so that the journey and the process of getting there is

1339
01:29:42.400 --> 01:29:49.840
only as good as what it results in, as opposed to simply enjoying the journey for the moment,

1340
01:29:50.800 --> 01:29:56.880
just enjoy doing the thing for the doing of the thing, and then discover later what it turns into

1341
01:29:57.440 --> 01:29:59.840
instead of controlling the outcome.

1342
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:12.000
And by the choices that you make here like okay well i'm making this decision and doing it this way and writing this way or doing social media this way because i'm working towards this don't work towards anything.

1343
01:30:12.720 --> 01:30:21.520
Just enjoy you be getting to be allowing yourself to be you for those creative things to come up and out and you just doing the thing.

1344
01:30:22.080 --> 01:30:31.160
So, for me, for me, like, for instance, one of the things that I love is I always get really I love knitting and I always get so sad when I finish a project.

1345
01:30:31.560 --> 01:30:46.160
Which is so funny because when i'm working on it i'm anticipating the end oh i'm so excited about when this is going to be done, and that I can see the whole thing you know it's a you know see the whole thing like done and it's all together, but.

1346
01:30:47.160 --> 01:30:57.320
I also love the reason why, and yet, is I enjoy the journey so much I enjoy just sitting and doing it, and one of the things that i've had to remind myself of is actually.

1347
01:30:57.680 --> 01:31:09.040
God enjoys you just doing the thing, not in it resulting in something the resulting in something is just kind of icing on the cake and once it results in something it means you get to pick up a different project.

1348
01:31:09.680 --> 01:31:18.000
But just enjoy the doing of it and we're so often that we're we're we've been taught that unless it results in some.

1349
01:31:19.080 --> 01:31:25.640
We are we've been measured by other people and are taught to measure ourselves by an end.

1350
01:31:26.240 --> 01:31:35.520
By accomplishments by by the finish by the outcome so, then we think that the journey itself is less than that.

1351
01:31:36.040 --> 01:31:44.840
And is only as good as what it results in and guys like know the point is the journey, the point isn't the destination, the whole point.

1352
01:31:45.400 --> 01:31:54.800
Is the moments the whole point is the process it's the enjoying of that the same thing of our relationship with them we're not getting anywhere in our relationship with him.

1353
01:31:55.280 --> 01:32:04.160
there's no there's no like place that we're going, we have a direction that we're heading and the fact that we're becoming more close to him and more intimate.

1354
01:32:04.480 --> 01:32:15.120
But we have no place that we're landing because God is infinite so we're never going to get to the end, so we're released from from being from working towards a goal.

1355
01:32:15.600 --> 01:32:30.200
With the Lord we've got no goal that we're working towards with him he's just like we're just we're just relating we're interacting we're having fun we're talking i'm revealing more to you about who I am and you're showing me more of who you are.

1356
01:32:31.280 --> 01:32:43.720
So allow yourself to develop so you can actually show that to me so that I can enjoy that, but I can enjoy something that you don't allow yourself to develop so in a manner of speaking choose yourself.

1357
01:32:44.560 --> 01:32:47.760
and choose that and that's what I was talking about like with all of these hobbies.

1358
01:32:48.520 --> 01:33:00.120
choose got so that's another way in which we have faith is the fact that God's that we choose that God is who he says that he is to the degree, he says that he is that, and that we are who he says that we are.

1359
01:33:00.800 --> 01:33:04.640
So choose that you are who God has declared you to be you're a good thing.

1360
01:33:05.320 --> 01:33:11.520
And the desires that come up out of you and the things that you love to do and the things that you're good at or whatever that is.

1361
01:33:11.880 --> 01:33:27.760
that's an aspect of you, who it is that you are expressing itself you're not someone your identity is not the person who loves to write or the person who is in social news who likes to do stuff in social media or who runs that's not who you are.

1362
01:33:28.320 --> 01:33:37.880
that's how, who you are has decided to express itself sometimes you like to express yourself as writing in writing sometimes you like to express yourself as running etc.

1363
01:33:38.440 --> 01:33:49.960
allow you to flow freely and express yourself in different modalities and just do the deck don't don't have a goal, I mean unless the goal is fun.

1364
01:33:50.680 --> 01:33:59.080
And then, unless the goal unless having a goal is fun and if it's and if it is fun don't make it the point make the point just the doing of it.

1365
01:33:59.680 --> 01:34:13.560
And the getting there, that is taking God at his word that he is good and that he made you in him good we're not good apart from God in God our spirit being one with Christ we're completely good.

1366
01:34:14.400 --> 01:34:22.000
Because we're in him that knew that new man that old man apart from Christ was not good, the new man in Christ is always good.

1367
01:34:22.520 --> 01:34:34.840
So you are good and so allow that goodness to express itself because that's why God created the world, he created the world so that word or spirit would become flesh.

1368
01:34:35.400 --> 01:34:41.520
So that we would actually show it and express it instead of it being stifled and only sit in the spirit.

1369
01:34:42.320 --> 01:34:50.000
it's to flow out, so we have to allow ourselves to do those things just to have fun and it might it might take a little bit of like.

1370
01:34:50.640 --> 01:34:57.320
I don't want to say practice, but if you've been with if you've been holding back so long, it might be kind of hard to start again.

1371
01:34:57.720 --> 01:34:59.800
yeah because for a while because.

1372
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.680
there's also all, it can also trigger traumas.

1373
01:35:04.680 --> 01:35:05.520
Yeah.

1374
01:35:05.520 --> 01:35:07.560
Because you're like, yeah, but the last time

1375
01:35:07.560 --> 01:35:11.720
that I did this, the last time I wrote, I felt bad.

1376
01:35:11.720 --> 01:35:14.920
Or the last time that I had a season of writing,

1377
01:35:14.920 --> 01:35:17.120
I was very stressed or whatever.

1378
01:35:17.120 --> 01:35:20.600
But remember that those were simply you approaching it

1379
01:35:20.600 --> 01:35:25.600
from a weighted, pressurized situation, not based on truth.

1380
01:35:25.600 --> 01:35:28.960
So now you're simply going to approach it from the other way.

1381
01:35:28.960 --> 01:35:31.200
And so now it's going to be in freedom,

1382
01:35:31.200 --> 01:35:32.960
not going to be in pressure.

1383
01:35:34.560 --> 01:35:38.240
So there's no reason to be afraid of something

1384
01:35:38.240 --> 01:35:40.640
that you had a bad experience with last time,

1385
01:35:41.880 --> 01:35:44.080
because you were approaching it from.

1386
01:35:44.080 --> 01:35:46.120
There's a lot of fear connected to it.

1387
01:35:47.040 --> 01:35:47.880
Yeah.

1388
01:35:47.880 --> 01:35:49.000
What do you think the fear is?

1389
01:35:49.000 --> 01:35:52.160
The fear is the experience you had last time,

1390
01:35:52.400 --> 01:35:56.920
the fear is the experience you had last time, or what?

1391
01:35:59.280 --> 01:36:02.520
I think part of it is, to be honest,

1392
01:36:02.520 --> 01:36:04.360
is how it is received.

1393
01:36:05.520 --> 01:36:06.760
That could be part of it,

1394
01:36:06.760 --> 01:36:11.560
because I am a God pleaser and a people pleaser.

1395
01:36:11.560 --> 01:36:16.400
So I want to please God, but I also want to please people.

1396
01:36:16.400 --> 01:36:17.240
Yeah.

1397
01:36:17.240 --> 01:36:19.600
So then I'm always worried about

1398
01:36:19.600 --> 01:36:23.160
how will things be accepted

1399
01:36:23.160 --> 01:36:25.520
if I write something or blog something,

1400
01:36:25.520 --> 01:36:29.680
and I'm terrified that no one's going to think it's good.

1401
01:36:29.680 --> 01:36:32.880
And if I don't get attention, I feel really shameful.

1402
01:36:32.880 --> 01:36:33.720
Yeah.

1403
01:36:33.720 --> 01:36:36.160
So that is part of it.

1404
01:36:38.160 --> 01:36:41.040
The singing is that last time I was in worship leading,

1405
01:36:41.040 --> 01:36:44.160
it was with the guy that I liked that rejected me.

1406
01:36:44.160 --> 01:36:45.000
Oh, yeah.

1407
01:36:46.240 --> 01:36:49.280
So that was a traumatic experience for me,

1408
01:36:49.960 --> 01:36:51.720
the whole thing, it was horrible.

1409
01:36:51.720 --> 01:36:56.320
So it would be returning to his worship team,

1410
01:36:56.320 --> 01:36:57.720
because we're still in the same church,

1411
01:36:57.720 --> 01:36:59.480
because God told me to go through it

1412
01:36:59.480 --> 01:37:01.720
and not leave the church.

1413
01:37:01.720 --> 01:37:05.560
So it would be, either it would be returning to the team,

1414
01:37:05.560 --> 01:37:07.840
or it would be turning to the other team,

1415
01:37:07.840 --> 01:37:10.840
but having to tell him in all decency

1416
01:37:10.840 --> 01:37:13.440
that I'm not coming back, I'm choosing the other one.

1417
01:37:13.440 --> 01:37:15.760
So either way, I would have to talk to him.

1418
01:37:19.280 --> 01:37:24.080
So some of it is related to bad experiences,

1419
01:37:24.080 --> 01:37:27.160
and some of it is the fear of people.

1420
01:37:27.160 --> 01:37:28.080
Yeah.

1421
01:37:28.080 --> 01:37:31.680
Yeah, and also some of it is that I just lost

1422
01:37:31.680 --> 01:37:33.160
the joy and energy.

1423
01:37:33.160 --> 01:37:35.800
Like I used to be pretty good at dancing,

1424
01:37:35.800 --> 01:37:37.880
and now I'm 10 years older,

1425
01:37:37.880 --> 01:37:39.440
and my body's not looked the same.

1426
01:37:39.440 --> 01:37:41.840
I can't do the same physically.

1427
01:37:41.840 --> 01:37:42.680
Things.

1428
01:37:42.680 --> 01:37:44.720
I don't feel that good dancing anymore,

1429
01:37:44.720 --> 01:37:47.360
because it doesn't look as good as it used to.

1430
01:37:48.360 --> 01:37:53.360
So, and that is, I guess, like identity or shame.

1431
01:37:53.400 --> 01:37:54.640
Yeah.

1432
01:37:54.640 --> 01:37:57.080
So different things with different,

1433
01:37:57.080 --> 01:37:59.200
and I can't run as much as I did before,

1434
01:37:59.200 --> 01:38:01.440
because I used to be in better shape.

1435
01:38:01.440 --> 01:38:03.240
So I don't want to just do it and fail.

1436
01:38:03.240 --> 01:38:06.560
So depending on what it is, it's different.

1437
01:38:06.560 --> 01:38:07.400
Yeah.

1438
01:38:09.040 --> 01:38:10.560
All of these things.

1439
01:38:10.560 --> 01:38:11.400
Yeah.

1440
01:38:11.400 --> 01:38:13.200
Bad experiences, fear.

1441
01:38:13.200 --> 01:38:14.040
Yeah.

1442
01:38:14.040 --> 01:38:15.760
So a couple of things.

1443
01:38:15.760 --> 01:38:20.600
One, I would recommend, you can, again,

1444
01:38:20.600 --> 01:38:21.680
you can do whatever you want.

1445
01:38:21.680 --> 01:38:24.520
I'm just giving you ideas about what it is you can do

1446
01:38:24.520 --> 01:38:28.920
to help yourself actually put yourself

1447
01:38:28.920 --> 01:38:31.080
in a position to believe God,

1448
01:38:31.080 --> 01:38:33.480
where you're like, okay, God,

1449
01:38:33.480 --> 01:38:36.520
I've been avoiding it because I don't believe you.

1450
01:38:36.520 --> 01:38:38.600
So I am going to believe you

1451
01:38:38.600 --> 01:38:40.760
and put myself back in that situation,

1452
01:38:40.760 --> 01:38:45.040
and you, I believe, are going to reveal

1453
01:38:45.080 --> 01:38:47.680
by the experience that I have,

1454
01:38:47.680 --> 01:38:51.120
that you really are who you say that you are.

1455
01:38:51.120 --> 01:38:52.760
You really do love me unconditionally,

1456
01:38:52.760 --> 01:38:54.480
you know, et cetera, et cetera.

1457
01:38:54.480 --> 01:38:56.360
So you really don't condemn me, whatever.

1458
01:38:56.360 --> 01:38:57.920
I will experience it,

1459
01:38:57.920 --> 01:39:00.960
because I will put myself in a situation,

1460
01:39:00.960 --> 01:39:02.720
not to see what you're going to do.

1461
01:39:02.720 --> 01:39:07.240
No, all chips in, I am making it my reality

1462
01:39:07.240 --> 01:39:09.800
where I risk disappointment.

1463
01:39:09.800 --> 01:39:13.360
Like I am full in, and I'm choosing that this is real,

1464
01:39:13.400 --> 01:39:15.280
and I'm expecting God you to show up,

1465
01:39:15.280 --> 01:39:17.560
because I show up the way that you say

1466
01:39:17.560 --> 01:39:19.600
that your character is,

1467
01:39:19.600 --> 01:39:21.480
and this is me stepping out in faith.

1468
01:39:21.480 --> 01:39:23.920
And just pick what you can do.

1469
01:39:23.920 --> 01:39:25.880
So all of the ones that you mentioned,

1470
01:39:25.880 --> 01:39:27.440
you know, that are challenging,

1471
01:39:27.440 --> 01:39:32.440
which one can you stretch to right now?

1472
01:39:33.080 --> 01:39:34.960
May not be able to do all of them,

1473
01:39:34.960 --> 01:39:36.680
you know, or like any particular one

1474
01:39:36.680 --> 01:39:38.560
might be like a little too much.

1475
01:39:38.560 --> 01:39:39.840
Which one can you do?

1476
01:39:39.840 --> 01:39:42.040
Like, for instance, like writing,

1477
01:39:42.080 --> 01:39:45.400
like, okay, well, maybe I could, maybe I could write.

1478
01:39:45.400 --> 01:39:46.720
Okay, of all of the ones, you know,

1479
01:39:46.720 --> 01:39:47.880
because the whole worship thing,

1480
01:39:47.880 --> 01:39:49.120
then I have to interact with him.

1481
01:39:49.120 --> 01:39:50.400
And that would just be,

1482
01:39:50.400 --> 01:39:52.280
that would just be a little too much for me right now.

1483
01:39:52.280 --> 01:39:54.080
You know, well, it's baby steps here,

1484
01:39:54.080 --> 01:39:58.560
you know, give yourself some wins, so to speak.

1485
01:39:58.560 --> 01:40:00.160
And so maybe you're thinking.

1486
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:01.140
Okay, well, we're writing.

1487
01:40:01.140 --> 01:40:04.440
Wow, that whole thing about the people thing

1488
01:40:04.440 --> 01:40:05.280
is a bit too much.

1489
01:40:05.280 --> 01:40:06.920
So you know what I'm gonna do?

1490
01:40:06.920 --> 01:40:11.680
I am going to make it so that to unpublish my blog

1491
01:40:11.680 --> 01:40:13.340
and just write for me.

1492
01:40:14.520 --> 01:40:16.600
And so, and it's still out there on the internet,

1493
01:40:16.600 --> 01:40:17.560
but it's unpublished.

1494
01:40:17.560 --> 01:40:20.000
So in other words, nobody has access to be able to see it,

1495
01:40:20.000 --> 01:40:21.720
but I'm still writing.

1496
01:40:21.720 --> 01:40:24.060
And in it, I am choosing that

1497
01:40:24.060 --> 01:40:27.240
and I'm allowing me to freely flow

1498
01:40:27.280 --> 01:40:32.280
and to experience God delighting in me while I'm being me.

1499
01:40:34.800 --> 01:40:39.640
But I'm just going where it is that my faith is right now.

1500
01:40:39.640 --> 01:40:42.200
That's just the level to which my faith is right now.

1501
01:40:42.200 --> 01:40:43.920
I can't handle the whole thing

1502
01:40:43.920 --> 01:40:47.440
of like the potential of people seeing it, right?

1503
01:40:47.440 --> 01:40:48.760
Or you might be able to think,

1504
01:40:48.760 --> 01:40:52.120
okay, well, I can stretch to allow people to see it.

1505
01:40:52.120 --> 01:40:53.600
Maybe that's where you think that you are.

1506
01:40:53.600 --> 01:40:55.060
You're like, oh my word, that's so hard,

1507
01:40:55.060 --> 01:40:58.540
but I'm gonna choose God

1508
01:40:58.540 --> 01:41:00.140
and the fact that he delights in me

1509
01:41:00.140 --> 01:41:02.740
and that that's enough over people's approval.

1510
01:41:02.740 --> 01:41:05.340
So if you're there, then you can do that.

1511
01:41:05.340 --> 01:41:06.180
And if you're not there,

1512
01:41:06.180 --> 01:41:08.460
well, then it can be something that you add on later.

1513
01:41:08.460 --> 01:41:11.140
Another thing I wanted to mention, a friend of mine,

1514
01:41:11.140 --> 01:41:14.500
one of the ladies in the rest intensive does not,

1515
01:41:16.860 --> 01:41:20.740
she grew up where her family,

1516
01:41:20.740 --> 01:41:25.740
she had a really bad, embarrassing, traumatic memories

1517
01:41:26.260 --> 01:41:30.140
of singing growing up because she and her family,

1518
01:41:30.140 --> 01:41:31.540
like her whole big family,

1519
01:41:31.540 --> 01:41:34.380
they all used to travel to different churches

1520
01:41:34.380 --> 01:41:36.260
and they used to sing.

1521
01:41:36.260 --> 01:41:39.260
And she said it was a really bad experience

1522
01:41:40.220 --> 01:41:44.420
because they always felt that their dad was like pushing him

1523
01:41:44.420 --> 01:41:47.100
and they didn't feel comfortable and whatever.

1524
01:41:47.100 --> 01:41:49.540
She said she loved the singing part,

1525
01:41:49.540 --> 01:41:51.740
but she didn't like the atmosphere

1526
01:41:51.740 --> 01:41:55.940
and the environment that she encountered.

1527
01:41:55.940 --> 01:41:58.420
And she said it just made her feel awful.

1528
01:41:58.420 --> 01:42:00.340
And so it just would bring back traumatic memories,

1529
01:42:00.340 --> 01:42:01.420
but she loves singing.

1530
01:42:01.420 --> 01:42:04.140
So what she did the other day about like,

1531
01:42:04.140 --> 01:42:06.660
I don't know, four or five months ago is she thought,

1532
01:42:06.660 --> 01:42:10.980
okay, I need to continue to expand

1533
01:42:10.980 --> 01:42:13.980
in living life in more freedom.

1534
01:42:13.980 --> 01:42:17.740
And that isn't, and I love singing and I miss singing,

1535
01:42:17.780 --> 01:42:21.020
but I have really bad traumatic memories from it

1536
01:42:21.020 --> 01:42:23.860
where I am now terrified to get up on stage

1537
01:42:23.860 --> 01:42:26.820
and sing in worship on Sunday morning

1538
01:42:26.820 --> 01:42:30.540
because of the bad memories from when she was like 12.

1539
01:42:30.540 --> 01:42:32.500
And she's like in her twenties now.

1540
01:42:32.500 --> 01:42:35.380
And so she's just like, I just have bad memories.

1541
01:42:35.380 --> 01:42:39.900
But she said, you know, I'm gonna choose that God,

1542
01:42:39.900 --> 01:42:42.660
that even standing in front of people

1543
01:42:42.660 --> 01:42:44.700
and what it is that they could think.

1544
01:42:44.700 --> 01:42:47.340
And the fact that I have not practiced in a long time,

1545
01:42:47.980 --> 01:42:49.220
I mean, obviously she would sing at home, et cetera,

1546
01:42:49.220 --> 01:42:52.380
but I haven't done this publicly in a long time,

1547
01:42:52.380 --> 01:42:53.940
you know, et cetera, et cetera.

1548
01:42:53.940 --> 01:42:57.380
She said, I am going to actually put myself

1549
01:42:57.380 --> 01:43:02.380
in that position in order to choose that God protects me,

1550
01:43:05.220 --> 01:43:08.540
in order to choose that I am safe with him.

1551
01:43:08.540 --> 01:43:13.260
And that, in other words, to rewrite my record

1552
01:43:13.260 --> 01:43:16.220
of the last time I experienced this,

1553
01:43:16.220 --> 01:43:18.700
I will now have a different experience

1554
01:43:18.700 --> 01:43:20.740
because I am choosing this time

1555
01:43:20.740 --> 01:43:23.020
that God protects me and keeps me safe.

1556
01:43:23.020 --> 01:43:24.060
So she did.

1557
01:43:24.060 --> 01:43:26.580
And so she said, Ashley, the first time I got up there,

1558
01:43:26.580 --> 01:43:28.500
she said, I was terrified.

1559
01:43:28.500 --> 01:43:29.940
She said, I'm like, she said,

1560
01:43:29.940 --> 01:43:31.660
all of those memories kept flooding back.

1561
01:43:31.660 --> 01:43:32.740
She just panicked.

1562
01:43:32.740 --> 01:43:34.620
She said, but she did it anyway.

1563
01:43:34.620 --> 01:43:39.620
And she said, Ashley, I had so much fun

1564
01:43:39.860 --> 01:43:44.220
because now God was showing, hey, unlike your father,

1565
01:43:44.220 --> 01:43:49.100
you know, in the physical, you know, unlike your father,

1566
01:43:49.100 --> 01:43:51.540
where he wasn't kind, you know, to you

1567
01:43:51.540 --> 01:43:54.540
and make you feel safe singing with the family.

1568
01:43:54.540 --> 01:43:58.180
Unlike that, you know, I, as your good father

1569
01:43:58.180 --> 01:44:02.380
and keeping you safe, you, I'm not judging you

1570
01:44:02.380 --> 01:44:05.020
for what it is that you're doing

1571
01:44:05.020 --> 01:44:07.020
and how it is that you're doing it.

1572
01:44:07.020 --> 01:44:08.780
I'm delighting in you.

1573
01:44:08.780 --> 01:44:11.940
I love, I made you to sing

1574
01:44:11.940 --> 01:44:14.380
and you were taking me at your word

1575
01:44:14.380 --> 01:44:18.060
that I delight in, you were taking me at my word

1576
01:44:18.060 --> 01:44:22.860
that I delight in you, that I enjoy you being you

1577
01:44:22.860 --> 01:44:26.140
and expressing you and for you that singing.

1578
01:44:27.340 --> 01:44:29.580
And so anyway, she just kind of cast herself

1579
01:44:29.580 --> 01:44:30.460
on the Lord like that.

1580
01:44:30.460 --> 01:44:32.820
She's like, okay, if the Lord says that he loves me,

1581
01:44:32.820 --> 01:44:34.740
if the Lord says that I'm enough,

1582
01:44:34.740 --> 01:44:36.660
then the reason why I'm not doing what it is

1583
01:44:36.660 --> 01:44:38.580
that I actually really want to do,

1584
01:44:38.580 --> 01:44:41.900
except without all of the pressure, you know,

1585
01:44:42.460 --> 01:44:44.820
I am going to now do that.

1586
01:44:44.820 --> 01:44:47.420
And that, and that is me stepping out in faith

1587
01:44:47.420 --> 01:44:51.420
that God will keep me safe in being me, you know?

1588
01:44:51.420 --> 01:44:52.980
And so that's what she chose to do.

1589
01:44:52.980 --> 01:44:54.940
And she's been doing it for the past several months,

1590
01:44:54.940 --> 01:44:58.220
loves it, you know, and it's just like, oh my word,

1591
01:44:58.220 --> 01:44:59.660
you know, because it healed.

1592
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:05.080
In a manner of speaking, it healed an aspect of her life that she just had bad memories

1593
01:45:05.080 --> 01:45:12.480
associated with that had made her feel not, I don't know, I don't remember everything

1594
01:45:12.480 --> 01:45:17.840
that those bad memories made her feel, but anyway, so those are some different ways that

1595
01:45:17.840 --> 01:45:28.080
you can step out in faith that on acting on the fact that God delights in you unconditionally

1596
01:45:28.160 --> 01:45:38.240
is allow yourself to do things without that you love naturally without having any pressure

1597
01:45:38.960 --> 01:45:46.320
because he's not holding you to an accomplishment. I mean, you might eventually,

1598
01:45:47.040 --> 01:45:50.800
you know, accomplish something, but he's not holding you to the accomplishment. He wants you

1599
01:45:50.800 --> 01:45:56.240
to express who you are. And that just kind of develops itself over time. You know,

1600
01:45:57.280 --> 01:46:02.480
you know, you, you practice, you just, you just be, and other people don't have to see it

1601
01:46:03.680 --> 01:46:11.360
and interact with it and know that about you in order for it to be in order for it to be

1602
01:46:13.840 --> 01:46:19.600
valuable. And for you to be doing something spiritually significant, you can be alone in

1603
01:46:19.600 --> 01:46:23.920
your room painting or writing or whatever. No one ever sees it. No one ever knows,

1604
01:46:23.920 --> 01:46:32.320
except you and God, because it's you flowing out. It's your spirit that is flowing out and is

1605
01:46:32.320 --> 01:46:39.920
expressing itself in some way. And that spiritually and in creation makes an impact, even if no one

1606
01:46:39.920 --> 01:46:46.160
ever sees it. So you can start there. And I keep using writing as an example. I don't know why,

1607
01:46:46.160 --> 01:46:50.560
maybe because it's easy for me to kind of like talk to and like scenarios, but

1608
01:46:53.200 --> 01:47:00.880
yeah, someone that just, so it doesn't know me and got the word writer when, oh, okay.

1609
01:47:01.680 --> 01:47:05.920
Pray for me. And she didn't know that I used to write. Oh, that's cool. No, that's interesting.

1610
01:47:07.520 --> 01:47:13.120
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She felt like there was something about me and being an author and I'm

1611
01:47:13.120 --> 01:47:16.960
like, oh, you didn't know that I actually wrote. And she's like, no, I didn't know.

1612
01:47:17.600 --> 01:47:27.440
Yeah. That's cool. Maybe. Yeah. Well, I have another teaching that I did that would,

1613
01:47:28.480 --> 01:47:34.960
the other night we did a, what are called rest groups, which are basically small groups

1614
01:47:34.960 --> 01:47:41.680
in the rest intensive community. And I did a, there was something that based off of like some

1615
01:47:41.680 --> 01:47:46.400
of the stuff that everyone was, that people were sharing about, like stuff that they were

1616
01:47:46.400 --> 01:47:50.000
struggling with. I was just feeling in my spirit that something needed to be addressed that I

1617
01:47:50.000 --> 01:47:54.960
thought would be very helpful for everyone. And that was in choosing themselves and owning

1618
01:47:54.960 --> 01:48:00.640
themselves and owning their own decisions. So I have some, so I'll post that and hopefully

1619
01:48:00.640 --> 01:48:08.240
it'll be helpful. Other people, I just kind of like did it just off the cuff and I was just like,

1620
01:48:08.240 --> 01:48:11.840
I felt like I needed to talk about this and boom, I talked about it. And then it really,

1621
01:48:11.840 --> 01:48:16.320
really helped people. So, and where it is that they are. So hopefully it will be helpful to you

1622
01:48:16.320 --> 01:48:22.080
as well. So I'll post that in the page, in the rest intensive members page for you to be able

1623
01:48:22.080 --> 01:48:28.800
to look at it. So hopefully that'll be helpful, but I'm not part of that group, the rest intensive

1624
01:48:28.800 --> 01:48:34.720
members page on the enter his dot rest. Yeah. So I just go to the members.

1625
01:48:35.360 --> 01:48:42.240
Like it's yeah. Yeah. Where you go to watch the videos. Yeah. And the one that we remember that

1626
01:48:42.240 --> 01:48:47.280
other video that I posted of me and like the red shirt. So I'll post it next to that one.

1627
01:48:47.280 --> 01:48:52.320
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I post it. I just wondered if it was another place, but now I know. Okay.

1628
01:48:52.320 --> 01:48:59.440
Yeah. And there you go. Yeah. So anyway, hopefully that'll be helpful. You're welcome. So you doing

1629
01:48:59.440 --> 01:49:05.760
okay. Yes. I'm doing okay. It's a lot to take in, but I'm doing all right. I have so many things

1630
01:49:05.760 --> 01:49:12.880
going on right now. Yes. Yes. I'm sure. Yeah. We really did talk about a lot of heavy things. A lot

1631
01:49:12.880 --> 01:49:20.160
of things. We really did. When I get the, and I've gone, I've looked through almost all the teaching.

1632
01:49:20.160 --> 01:49:28.720
I'm almost finished with number seven. I also look at our zoom talks again, like not all of them,

1633
01:49:28.720 --> 01:49:36.400
but some of them because yeah, I get new things. Yeah. Or sometimes that's how it works. And then

1634
01:49:36.400 --> 01:49:42.720
I'm like, I don't even, I couldn't take all of it in. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. And I probably will go

1635
01:49:42.720 --> 01:49:50.480
back and, and be like, oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right. Well, good. Well, I'll post this

1636
01:49:50.480 --> 01:49:56.160
one and then I'll post that, um, that other teaching. So all right. As well. Yeah. Well,

1637
01:49:56.160 --> 01:49:59.840
much good to visit with you, Renee. And, and I apologize.

1638
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:04.560
I will get back to you faster this time. So you feel free to let me know if you have questions.

1639
01:50:04.560 --> 01:50:12.080
So I will. And my name is Renata. Oh, it's Renata. Yes, I know. Some Americans call me

1640
01:50:12.080 --> 01:50:18.240
Renate. And I think it's because N-A-T-E sound the way you is. That's phonetically.

1641
01:50:21.040 --> 01:50:24.960
And so I'm so sorry. I've always been wanting to ask you how to pronounce it,

1642
01:50:24.960 --> 01:50:28.240
because I thought it's probably not Renate. That's because that would be an American

1643
01:50:28.240 --> 01:50:34.720
pronunciation. But I thought, I don't know how else to say it. So I had told myself,

1644
01:50:34.720 --> 01:50:40.320
OK, Ashley, whatever you do, don't say her name out loud unless you ask her first how to pronounce

1645
01:50:40.320 --> 01:50:45.440
it. So sorry about that. So Renate, that's lovely. It just sounded like someone else.

1646
01:50:45.440 --> 01:50:53.040
So I was like, yeah, Renate is a lovely name. So all right. Will you take care and you let

1647
01:50:53.040 --> 01:50:57.600
me know if you need to. Have a good day. See you. Thanks. Bye.