I am trying to figure out why it's telling me my AirPods are connected and yet the sound
is not coming through them.
Oh, you can't hear me?
I can, but it's not coming through the AirPods.
Oh, just figure it out.
Yeah.
So I'm going to disconnect them and now I'm going to try to connect them again.
Let's see if this will work.
OK. Oh, that's oh, that's what the deal was.
Maybe. OK.
Let's see if this will work.
Come on, come on.
You can. I did it.
It worked. Yes.
Yeah. So you are now in my AirPods.
Perfect. I'm not now in your ears.
Yeah, they're now in my ears.
How are you?
I'm doing it all right.
Really good to see you.
Yes, it's good.
Yeah, I'm getting to know you.
And yeah, really good to see your face.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's good to see you as well.
Well, first of all, I greatly apologize for not getting back to you sooner on your
question. I actually had it has been an extremely busy past several days with the
rest intensive, like kind of like with everybody.
Yeah. Because, you know, I'm in the community as well, meaning like we all go
through this together and it's like all hell broke loose for all of us.
Really? The past several days, it's kind of like we all got together and like, you
know, I do I do journey sharing in the group in the where they have to post twice a
week and they on updates on like where it is they are, like what their process has
been like, you know, what they're thinking about, how they're going through things
with the Lord, et cetera.
And and all and everybody was saying it has really been a hard week.
And I was like, me too.
Anyway, so there were all of these questions like all at once.
So I have not gotten to all of their questions either.
So it's like I have a pile of questions that I just haven't been able to get through.
So I greatly apologize.
I am so sorry.
But anyway, so that's OK.
That's it's kind of good because or I'm challenged to kind of stand in it like
alone because I was like, oh, what am I going to do?
And I like but it's sometimes it's it's but I felt like I was a little bit
challenging, but I handled it well.
And then you're just like, OK, I'm sure there's something just happening.
And then I think those kind of settings, it's good for me sometimes just to be
part of in in situations like that.
Yeah, well, that's that's really great of you to view it that way because it's
actually true. That's actually what's going on.
And that's what I was telling some people when I hadn't been able to get back to
their questions either.
And then the Lord just met them where they were.
And I said, you know, I figured out after having done this for two and a half years
that this is what happens when something happens, where someone's in a very
difficult place and I can't get to them, quote, unquote, like as fast as I would
want to be.
And I always know, OK, whenever this has happened, if I just give it a bit of
time, God ends up meeting them personally.
And then they're able to develop that sense of that that faithfulness in his
character for their own personal experience, that they're not alone as opposed
to, oh, my goodness, what happens after the residence if and I don't have actually
to call or whatever.
It's like he establishes his own relationship with them personally in a way
that makes them solidifies that he really is there, that they really are not
abandoned by him, you know, et cetera.
So that's what always ends up happening.
And so I'm really glad that we're able.
but you can notice that, so.
Because I think that that is one of my issues,
you know, the protection thing,
and that you're alone and you're abandoned,
and also that is one of my kind of accusations against God.
Yeah, start coming at me, yeah.
What's happening?
You said that I could write, but can I not do it?
And you feel shame.
Maybe I shouldn't have written it.
Maybe I wrote something wrong.
You know, you get all these thoughts.
You go through all of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then you're just like.
You just have to stay in it and kind of just, I don't know.
There was just, I just felt like it was,
like I got through it somehow in like a, in a good way.
Good, yeah, I'm sure you did.
That's wonderful.
Yeah.
So what do you want to update me on?
You know, where are you and everything?
What would you like to talk about?
Well, there's quite a few things
that I've been going through this week.
One of them is that I think I've gotten
like quite a bit of, a little bit of fear.
It's to do with, you know, you said there's coming up things
and you need to abandon it, like reckless abandon.
And the things that are coming up with different people
are different things.
And with me, I think it is maybe conservatism
or like kind of like this set of belief
that it's healthy, it's good, it's Bible-based,
it's everything, but sometimes it can become a God in a way.
And then you talked, we talked about last time,
new wine and new wineskins.
And I think, so then sometimes when I hear your teaching,
I feel I can get stressed.
I'm like, oh, is this biblically sound?
You know, what if this is heresy?
You know, there comes up like these fears.
And I think God is bringing up kind of
that I've relied a bit on a system.
And just like, there are so many places
they don't even have the Bible and they still follow Jesus
and he really himself to them.
And you can, and even the Bible and even conservatism
or charismatic church or whatever can become a system
and old wineskins become legalistic in a way.
And then, so those fears have come up.
And I think that's one of the things that I need to,
I thought, oh my gosh, maybe I need to abandon the Bible.
Oh, that's great, you know?
And you know, all my best friends
and those that have led me,
I have really great teacher friends
that are very biblically sound
and they have helped me immensely in my walk with God.
But maybe I need to let go of even some of their teaching
because it's, some of it has become maybe stifling
or like I can't receive God's love
because of their teaching on the way that love
has been taught very liberal and wrong the last 20 years.
And then they've taught me something else
which has brought freedom when I learned it.
But now it's become kind of not,
now you can see the fullness of God's love
because I'm so focused on something that they taught me.
Yeah, that makes sense.
So that feels like reckless to just like,
let go of the Bible,
let go of the things that I've been taught
and the things that I actually believe.
Like, because it's not like I live it, I believe it.
It's not like a thought.
So it's part of who I am and that feels scary.
And just like, okay, even if Ashley said something
that wasn't that, even if it was something in this
that wasn't a hundred percent something,
the spirit in it is from God.
God wants to use this in my life.
And kind of how do I, I don't even know,
surrender this or I don't know.
So that has been one of the things.
And the other thing was what I was writing
was that I feel like I kind of hold on.
Yeah, that's probably, I feel like I'm stuck.
I don't know how to stop trying or try believing,
try to be willing, try to give up, try to surrender.
I don't even know how,
because I think it's so ingrained in me
since I was like a baby.
As a baby, it was partly how I survived
was to control things and to,
and then it's a long story,
but then it was about surviving.
And when it's so part of my body and my soul
that I don't know how to stop trying.
I know everything about surrendering.
I do it every day, but even that can become old wine skins if it's a controlled thing.
Yeah, I don't know.
Wow, very insightful, yeah.
I don't know if you understand what I mean.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's like good things that has been good that might not be so good anymore,
but then I don't know what to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's just mechanisms from childhood to handle life, to survive,
to handle the things that happen and to, yeah.
And also when I think I lost, when I lost my health 20 years ago,
I think you were just falling and you're just grasping for something
just to survive the pain and trauma you're in.
Yeah, correct.
And one of them was surrendering to God and releasing to God,
but now it doesn't help because I'm stuck because it becomes almost like a religion.
And I'm releasing, but I'm kind of take, either I take it back right away after,
or I'm not actually releasing.
I'm just saying it, but I'm not actually knowing how to fully let go of things.
Yeah, yeah, that's very insightful.
And that's usually what we do with the surrender is we think that surrender
and is where we say, okay, God, you know, if this, you know, you're welcome to,
you can come and take this from me.
I'll give you permission to take this from me, you know,
and we think that surrender and the surrender is actually, no, I'm going to put it down.
I'm going to give it to you, allow you to be responsible for what happens.
And I'm going to walk away.
Like I'm going to take my hands off of it and I'm going to walk away.
So I no longer have in a manner of speaking, I no longer have access to it.
And that is full on surrender as opposed, which is, which is a lot harder because
we feel like it's abandoning a baby.
We feel like this is our precious thing that we've been taking care of.
You know, this is our security.
It's our safety.
It's our, our, you know, our, whatever it is, you know, and we feel,
and we we've tried so hard to protect it from all of the things that have come against it
or tried to come against it.
And what God says that he asked of us is he said, I want you to bring it to me.
You voluntarily put it down, take your hands off and walk away.
And that's terrifying to us because we feel that if God ends up not treating it in a way
that makes us feel safe and that he did that and didn't handle it in the way that we've
would want to, well, then we feel guilty for having abandoned our baby, you know, like,
oh, well, we were trying to protect it and love it.
And so, but we now are no longer have any control over it.
And, and really it's, that's the whole thing is God says, no, you need to trust me with
it.
That no matter what I do with it, you're safe.
As opposed to judging me based off of how I deal with it, you know, kind of like with
Jesus, Jesus laid down his life to the Lord and he died.
But after three days, God rose him again.
So we have to be completely, we have to completely abandon it to the Lord where we put it down
and we can't, uh, where we no longer hold him accountable to us for it.
And, um, so in other words, we no longer hold it to God and we no longer, or hold God to
it, like hold God accountable to accomplishing something in our life or enabling something
to happen or to protect us or whatever.
And meaning like protect us in the way that we think that we are, that we want to be protected.
And we also release this, we release from holding this against God.
So we at least release God from being accountable to us for how he, for interacting with it
and for taking care of it or whatever it is that he does for it to it written relationship
to it.
We release God from holding him accountable for what it is that he does and how it is
that he chooses to deal with it.
And we also release, um, holding this against God, like God, why haven't you, you know,
et cetera.
So, um, anyway, uh, but as far as like, you know, you're talking about like, oh, I don't
know if, my goodness, that I should be at the bottom.
and all of that stuff, well, it's obviously our interpretation of the Bible that we have
to reevaluate, is we have to allow God to reveal what he actually meant, as opposed
to, in other words, allow our interpretation of it to be challenged.
And I don't mean challenged by another person, challenged by presenting it to the spirit
of the Lord and saying, okay, God, I worship you as a being, not the Bible, even though
you spoke the Bible, and even though you gave the Bible to people, and even though it does
speak your truth, the reason that it's special is that it expresses and came from you.
So I choose you over the Bible and over my interpretation.
That obviously, Lord, since you wrote the Bible, then the Bible is true, you know, etc.
But Lord, I don't fully understand what you meant when you said da, da, da, da, da.
Now I had been taught that it meant da, da, da, da, da, da.
And that seems to be, Lord, contradictory to maybe things that you're, that I'm sensing
that maybe you are inviting me to believe and inviting me into, in my spirit, more love
and more freedom.
So Lord, can you show me and open up the scriptures to reveal to me where you have written this,
where you've written this truth, and to be able to see scripture through the eyes of
the way that you meant it, more love, more freedom or whatever.
So that, because, I mean, I teach what it is that I believe and how it is that I live
all of this, but I don't believe that I, that everything that I believe now, whether or
not it's everything I teach, or if it's like some of the stuff that I don't teach, I don't
believe that everything that I believe is accurate, but I don't know which ones are
and which ones aren't.
I just trust, I just put myself, you know, in the Lord and like, okay, Lord, what is
it that I believe that you and your spirit have revealed to me?
And I am accountable to you to walk in what it is that I am believing in my, that you've
been telling my spirit, I'm accountable for that.
And then over time, the Lord says, and because the Lord's big enough for, for me to be mean
to make mistakes.
And then over time, you know, he'll reveal like parts of what it is that I've believed
that aren't true, you know, you know, guide me into greater knowledge and understanding.
So I'm very, I'm in teaching this, I'm responsible and accountable to him, there's this fly responsible
and accountable to him for teaching other people this, I mean, I have a tremendous amount
of responsibility that he holds me to, to him for that.
But it started from the fact that this is what I believe, and this is how I live.
And then I began to see God in it, meaning like, this is what I felt that he revealed
to me in my spirit.
And I began to walk in it, and I began to see it, and then I began to see it in scripture.
And I'm like, and so anyway, but every single but that's my journey.
And all I do is I just tell other people what it is that I believe what it is that I walk
out.
And then they need to need to take that and bounce that off in their own spirit, in their
own relationship with the Lord to find out from the Lord, whether or not that is something
that he tells their spirit is true, so that they can own it for themselves between them
and the Lord, as opposed to you finding yourself yet again, and in this in another situation
where, well, so I believe this, because so and so said it, and it makes sense.
So you had believed that from other teachers, and you believe that it created some kind
of a system, and kind of a belief system that you had depended on.
Well, you don't want to give that up, only to trade it for what Ashley believes, because
that could develop into its own system.
So my point is,
I'm thinking about that.
Yeah, you're released to between you and the Lord.
Yeah, I thought that that this is not a transition from what something I believe to what you're
teaching, like to go from one teaching to another.
Correct.
I think that's why I struggle, because I think it's really easy, because part of human wants
to rely on some other people before God, yeah, I think in us, you know, but I just don't
know how to live in rest and do that and not.
because obviously some of the things you're teaching I've never heard before so it is new
to me and it is tempting to hold on to it and be like okay now I'm gonna now I'm gonna follow this
now I'm gonna listen to this kind of teaching you know and then I know that that's not what
God wants me to yeah but I just but since I don't feel like I've really entered rest or I don't
fully understand because I'm still trying to understand I yeah I don't know what to do yeah
well you what what I recommend to people is that they take these things and they listen to them
with like listen to the teachings and all of that with their spirit open between them and the Lord
not their heart open not their mind open like where they can receive anything but their spirit
open to the Lord and very sensitive to the Holy Spirit like okay Holy Spirit can you reveal to me
while I'm listening what is your truth you know so that you and one of the thing one of the
indications is that when you hear something if life springs within you you're like okay that's
the Lord you know the Lord's on that you know sometimes what we say in charismatic
phraseology I'm like okay the Lord's on that and and then and and then just asking the Lord to just
continue to reveal to you you know what is true and then taking these things and using them as
prompts for conversation between you and him and and also some of these things like for instance
some of the things that I'm talking about are things that you know from scripture are true
like for instance the fact that he loves us the fact that we're one with him you know those are
there's all of those bible verses that I referenced and whatever and you know so that people could own
this and know where it is in scripture so that they can take it for themselves before the Lord
and so it's looking at what did God say and how do I recklessly abandon myself to what he said
even if I don't understand how that reconciles with all of these other things he said like he
says he's loved but he also says he's wrath you know he says he's this but he also says he's that
and they're not and then they're sometimes in not being able to reconcile two things that we
that feel contradictory to us that is in scripture we can do one of two things we either don't pick
either one we don't believe either one or we do make one we do make a choice and very often we'll
pick what we what we think of as the like safer choice the thing that'll like cover ourselves
better I wish I could get rid of this slide um but um wish that he would like be free outside
um but uh um anyway the um oh shoot what was I saying um you either choose one of them or you
thank you any of them yes so one of the ladies in the rest intensive um in the community group
she's been struggling and with the fact and and so I was just talking to the lord about it going
okay lord how do I help her understand how do I get through to her and all of a sudden I remembered
what to what drastic degree that I had to go in order to have faith in god in some new things
oh excuse me it is nine I know I know we're in the morning I know there's just plenty
plenty late enough but can I have some coffee really quick oh sure get rid of the slide take
coffee I know I don't sorry I'll be right back I just need to open the curtain and if I open
the curtain maybe I'll find his way out there so I'll do that and go get him
sorry about that I knocked something over okay so um uh oh yeah so I'm making a choice anyway
what I what I what I had to do and what I told her and recommended to her to do because
again reckless abandon she was just really struggling and she couldn't grab hold
of this really great these really great and beautiful things that god had had um declared
over her such as the you know in scripture such as the fact that she's loved unconditionally
you know and that there's nothing left to do and stuff like that
We all see that in scripture and yet we have a difficult time again,
reconciling it with all this other stuff.
Well, he also says to do these things.
And he says without faith, it's impossible to please him.
And you know, all of these things that feel contradictory to that.
So I told her, as I said, what you have done is I said, you have done
a really good job of grabbing a hold.
There's, there's all of these weighty things.
There's like the law.
There's the, I got to do, you know, the commandment, you know, all of this stuff.
I said, you grab the, there's that camp.
And then there's all of these other things, you know, that
God wants us to believe in.
And we're still trying to understand all that, but we've chosen it.
And then there's all of these other things that are all of the, you know,
God loves you unconditionally, et cetera.
And so these are all of the big, beautiful, freeing things that feel good.
These are all of the things that, in other words, there's, there's
love and freedom, and then here are all of the things that you need
to do in order to be good, so to speak, in order to, that we think
in our mind, this is what God requires in order for me to be good to him.
Meaning like to do the good thing, et cetera.
I said, so I told her, I said, what it is that you've done is because
you couldn't reconcile the two and understand how God gives us these
commands and he tells you to all of this, but he says, even if you
don't do that, I still love you, et cetera.
And because you've had a difficult time reconciling it, you abandoned this
one to work really hard to make this one happen, I said, so it said, if
you're having a difficult time believing God here, and it says that without
faith, it's impossible to please God.
In other words, there's that element of God asks you to believe something and
you are, um, uh, you're, you're not obeying him because you're not
believing this one, right?
You believe in this one, but you're not believing this one.
So I said, if you're struggling to believe this one while still believing
this one, or in other words, not believing it, but like doing something
with it, like, cause she was working really hard to be good.
And she was so afraid that if she didn't like constantly think about it, that
she wouldn't do the right thing.
And so she always had to think about it.
She always had to, to bear the weight and the heaviness and the fear of always
making sure to do the right thing.
So I said, if you can't reconcile them, abandon this one.
And, and, and just focus on believing and standing in faith before God
caught on this one and ask God, because she's the worried that, you know, okay,
well, God says he loves me unconditionally, but I'm afraid that if I, that if I
believe that he loves me unconditionally, that I won't be good, that I won't do
good things that I won't do the right things that God says to do, that I won't
be a good daughter or a good, a wife or a good, you know, whatever.
And so I said, so what I recommend is I said, you're wanting to obey the Lord.
So you're choosing to obey him by believing something that he said over
here that you've never been able to believe.
I said, so what I recommend is abandon focusing on this abandon.
And revolving your whole life around trying and your whole, all day, every
day, and your emotions and everything around you doing the right thing and
you being good, et cetera, and ask God.
If he would carry that weight for you for right now, that if he would
ensure that you would be good, that you make the right decisions, that when
you're presented with a, with a situation in a relationship that you make the right
decision and you treat them well, you know, whatever I say, kind of like when
you go bowling and a kid has those bumpers that are put, you know, so that
his ball never goes in the gutter and then it just bounces off the gutters.
And in other words, it always stays in the land.
I said, ask God if he would carry this part for you right now.
So that you can believe this.
And then this, once you believe it, then, um, and that becomes more
entrenched in you, then he'll reveal to you how this is, how this reckoned,
how this over here, these truths should be appropriately interpreted and how
they can be reconciled through the filter of, of believing that this is how good God
is.
But I said, you're having a hard time believing that God is good.
If he's holding you up with hostage and an obligation to all these things, you
know, so abandon this one in order to choose this one and ask God, okay, God,
I do want to obey you.
I do want to do the right thing, you know, et cetera, et cetera.
But God, I can't believe these things that you say.
a while also carrying the weight of making sure I execute all of these
things that I thought you told me to.
So Lord, would you take care of this for me?
And would you help me be good and, and allow me to shift my focus in my like.
Mental and emotional and spiritual energy on believing these things and
just focusing on these things right now, since I'm not going to be
focusing on this part of my life.
Would you please, would you please take care of me while I'm not focusing on it?
Would you focus on it for me and enable it to happen?
So anyway, that's what I told her.
And so that's so far as just has really helped her.
She said, so anyway, it's that kind of a reckless abandon of like, okay.
You know, I am trying to believe God and I can't seem to do it.
Okay.
What will enable me to do it?
I thought if I abandoned this, in other words, I abandoned focusing on it.
It doesn't mean that I didn't want to be good.
And I was like, oh, well now I'm going to be evil and I can do whatever I want.
It wasn't that, you know, it was just simply, I abandoned making it my highest
priority, if that makes sense.
The thing is with that, I think even good things and helpful things can become, like
I mentioned, maybe like a religion.
Yeah.
To become a God and we're holding them as a higher priority in our life.
And I think like with her, I am aware of these two sides, but I think already that
God has been so good to me and shown, taught me so much about grace and his
goodness that I feel like I can't take even more.
It's like, when am I going to start doing more or like, or focus on this?
So that is the opposite of rest because that is, I have to work for it.
I have to earn it.
Now, the thing in the kingdom is that, okay, so let me back up.
We're so used to working for something because in the kingdom of this world,
that's how it works is you work for something because you have to earn it
because we tell each other, nothing's free.
You know, there's no free lunch is what we say in America, you know,
there's nothing free and we get so used to being told that, that we don't realize
that the kingdom of heaven operates the opposite, nothing can be earned
in the kingdom of heaven, literally nothing.
The only way that you can receive anything from God is God freely gives it.
And you have to freely receive it.
If God freely gives it, but you give him something in exchange.
In other words, in payment for it, you don't get to have it anymore.
You literally cannot receive something that you've offered something
and offer something in exchange for it.
I feel like he's been so good to me and so patient that it's, and I feel I've learned
about, I've been walking in opening up my heart to more love and goodness for
so many years that it feels like too much.
And then I'm going to abandon this other thing even more, but still I'm in a,
I realized that I don't, especially with love, maybe I understand his goodness
better, but I don't understand him that he loves me.
But it feels like, you know, when you're, when someone gives you slack and you're
like, Oh, thank you so much.
Or someone shows you grace.
You're like, Oh, thank you so much.
I'll pay you back later.
Or like next time I'll buy for you.
And then they give you slack another time and another time.
And I feel like it's been like that for 20 years.
And then, and then, Oh, it's going to be even more.
Am I still going to focus on your goodness and love?
Yeah, it feels it's, it's, it's too much and I should have gotten this already.
I should have understood it already.
And God has walked me out of legalism over so many years and in that
shown me how good he is to me.
And I feel like it's about time that I stepped up or became adult or took
more responsibility or learn about something.
something else.
And it feels like I should have been somewhere else
in my walk with God than to,
but then I'm really honest and say,
I don't actually really understand your love
and maybe just partially your goodness.
And then I feel like I'm telling him,
all right, you have to give me slack one more time.
And I know you've been patient for so long
and now, oh, one more time, we're gonna go through this
and I'm not getting it.
Yeah.
And I think I used to, before I got sick 20 years ago,
I used to, my relationship with Jesus was really intimate
and I used to, like I could come home at night,
go into my room and I would just invite the Holy Spirit
to come and he just came.
And I didn't even know that not everyone had it like that.
It was so natural for me
just that the Spirit went with me
and I would just invite him and he came and we talked.
And it was just, I didn't know what it was like
until he left me or I felt like he left me.
And since then, I felt Jesus, especially with other people,
but that's never come back.
It was something that for some reason,
somehow the devil stole from me,
my intimate relationship with Jesus
and the feeling that he loves me and he's always available
and I can invite him, his presence anytime.
And now, and then he taught me
and it was a lot like, it's you and me, Jesus,
we are together and I don't need anyone else.
And then I got, became sick and I got desperate
and I realized I need people.
And God showed me, yes, you don't just need me.
I created you to need people.
So I had to open my heart and invite other people in.
And I realized like a lot of people wanted
to be there for me.
Then I would start to experience God together
with other people in community.
And, but when I was alone with God, it didn't work.
It only worked in community.
And then I, but all those 20 years,
I really, really longed for the relationship I had with him
20 years ago, but I just see it glimpse.
It's like, sometimes it feels like it's stolen forever.
And it got even worse when my dad died
and I stopped crying because there wasn't any release
physically or, and it was like this glass wall.
I told you about glass wall.
So whenever I like exercises, ask Jesus to come
into the room, look into your eyes, talk to you.
I try and it just doesn't happen.
He doesn't, I don't feel him.
Usually a few times I do, but not very often.
And it's more stressing than good.
And it's what I long for the most is to have my relationship
with Jesus back and to talk to him like I used to.
But I don't know, but I feel like I've tried
and not tried everything for so long.
And I, and then, you know,
I surrender it and I say, okay, I don't feel you
but I choose to believe that you're here, but still
but I don't really believe it.
So if I'm honest, I don't really believe you're here
but I want to believe that you're here
even though I don't feel your presence
and I can see your eyes or your face
but that's my deepest desire to be
in an intimate relationship with him again.
Yeah.
And I think that's why I don't really experience his love
because that part was stolen from me.
But I felt like a year ago that God told me
that he would give me back all the devil stole from me.
So I have this hope that, yeah
but it makes me just feel sad.
And when other people experience it
I feel sad that I lost it
and that I don't know my way back.
And I know that I can't do it and I can't control it.
But it doesn't feel like it works either way
whether I control it or let it go.
It doesn't happen if I just let it go either.
But in that I don't realize that God loves me
because it doesn't, yeah.
It doesn't what?
It's not intimate.
It's not, he's not there with his presence like he used to.
And he doesn't speak to me like he used to.
It happens usually in groups with others still, but not.
so much him and I herself.
Yeah.
So one of the things is, you know,
as far as like letting go and surrendering,
one of the things is letting go of the choosing him over
and choosing to believe what he said.
Like if he said that he's with you,
he says that you still have,
that you still share an intimate love, et cetera.
It's choosing that, okay,
if he says that that's true,
I'm going to choose that that is true
and I'm going to act like it.
I'm going to live like it.
And it's going to be my higher,
I'm going to make that my higher priority
than prioritizing the experience.
So I'm choosing the truth of it over experiencing it.
And that's what the rest intensive, you know, is all about.
It's about finally being able to experience it
by letting go of ever experiencing it again.
So that's that whole thing of like, of true surrender
is, okay, think of it like this.
What Jesus did is remember that Jesus was given all power
and authority, but it says that he considered himself,
he considered his equality with God,
not to be claimed or something like that.
I wish I could remember how the Bible phrased it,
but he didn't, even though he was equal with God,
he set aside his divinity.
And so he put himself, allowed himself,
submitted himself to a human experience.
And then he submitted himself so much to the Lord
that he died.
He voluntarily allowed him, gave himself to the Lord.
It says that in the Bible, that he was not killed,
not out of his own free will,
but he actually voluntarily laid down his life.
And so he gave that to the Lord.
So again, that whole idea of like, God, we have something
and we lay it down to the Lord and we back up
and we take our hand off, we back up and walk off
and release control of it.
Then what God did is because Jesus gave up any right
that he could have tried to claim,
that he had to power, to authority,
the right to judge, et cetera, because he was God,
because he gave all of it up to the point
where he submitted himself even to death and he died.
Then God said, okay, now I can trust you.
And so then he gave him power and authority,
but it was only when he let go
of ever having power and authority
that God granted it to him.
And so it's the same thing with any of the other
inheritances that God gives us, rest, peace, love, joy,
all the fruits of the spirit,
all of those things are fruits of who it is that we are.
In other words, our character.
And if we're not experiencing those things,
if we're not experiencing those promises,
those gifts and that inheritance in our life,
then it means that we are,
that there's some resistance that we're having
to freely receiving it.
Because just like in the story of the prodigal son,
you remember what the older son said?
He didn't get onto the father
about bringing in the prodigal son and saying,
do you know where he's been?
Oh my goodness, bringing him into our midst,
and wouldn't that be corrupting us?
Aren't we opening ourselves up to potential corruption?
He didn't make it about his brother.
He made it all about him and his father.
And it brought out this stifled resentment
that the older son had of like,
why didn't you do that for me?
So we look at other people in our lives and we're like,
God's doing all of those things for them.
He's meeting them, he's intimate with them.
They can feel him, they can whatever.
God, why aren't you doing that for me?
Why are you holding it out on,
why are you holding out on me?
And the father says, what are you talking about?
And he's like, I have what,
because you exist in my estate,
what I have has always been yours.
All you had to do was take it.
And so, and it doesn't mean that we work for it.
What it means is that he's like, you have to receive it.
He said, at any time, you could have had a goat killed, that
anytime you could have had your friends over for a party, you
could have just taken advantage of the fact that you believed
me, that I had given it to you, in other words, that it was
available. And so it's the same kind of thing, you know, with
us, we're like, Lord, why aren't you doing this for me, just like
the father did it for the prodigal son, the prodigal son
didn't ask for the coat and the goat to be to be killed, or the
vaticap or, you know, whatever, and etc. The prodigal son didn't
ask for it. But the father gave all of that to him. And we're
like, Lord, seriously, why didn't you you gave it to them
and they didn't ask for it. I'm wanting it. And I'm not asking
for it, but you're not giving it to me. And and the father is
just like, because you and I have a different relationship.
You are already here. You've always had access to it. I don't
have to give you something that there's nothing left for me to
give you if I've already given you everything. You're literally
in the middle of it. Just take just live like it. I have
allowed you in being here to be able to have access to all of
these things. So anyway, so in other words, God has already
given us all of our inheritance. So what we have to do if we're
not experiencing it, is to stop holding God in accusation and
saying, Why aren't you doing this for me? Because that is
actually loving and choosing and, and want and making this
thing a higher priority than God. And so we use it in
accusation against him, you know, and so he wants us to
give everything up, including ever experiencing him again,
including ever feeling him. He says, I chose you
unconditionally. I want you to choose me unconditionally. By
choosing me unconditionally, where you no longer hold me
accountable for giving you some kind of an experience, even an
experience with me, you know, loving you, meeting you, that I
want you to choose me for me, not for what you experience
about me, not for how you feel me said, and if you do, well,
then I can quote unquote, like, kind of like with Jesus, then I
can like trust you isn't like, okay, it really is me you want,
not how not the experience I give you. You know, I want you
to because a lot of times, so we like the experience, because
that's what we use as proof to ourselves that we're safe, or
that God remembers us that God hasn't abandoned us, is we have
these experiences, like, oh, I feel him, or he's they, you
know, I feel the intimacy, etc. And he said, I want you to
choose me in faith, that, that you really are safe, because I
said so. And then when we believe him, because he said so,
that's coming into agreement with them, it's stopping the
resistance and finally being open. And then we can finally
experience and receive the what it is that God says that he's
already given us. So by desiring too much, in another word, not
desiring too much, it's by taking things like, like things
that we want from the Lord, and holding them before him in a
desperation, where it's that we get upset at God, or for not
giving him to us yet, or for he used to, but he hasn't, he hasn't
lately, he's changed toward us, you know, whatever. There's,
those are all things that ways in which we are expressing the
fact that we have, we're, we are, and there's, there's, how
would I put that? Because often, what I say to people, in fact,
I was talking to somebody just the other day, I was like, you
know, how you get frustrated, how we get frustrated at the
Lord, you know, that he isn't doing something that we wanted
to do, or whatever. And while they said, Oh, no, actually, in
fact, they're in so much resistance that they keep
denying certain things like, Oh, no, no, no, no, you know, I
don't get mad at God, you know, because I believe that, you
know, you know, he's, he's just so good to me. And so if there's
a problem, it's me. And I'm going, Oh, well, they're not
even to the point where they can acknowledge the fact that deep
down, I'm at it.
God, because they haven't, they've stifled it so much
because it's wrong. And because they believe it's wrong. And
then also, the fact that they can tell themselves, well, God
is so good to me. And he's so wonderful. I couldn't hold
anything against him. Because I don't, he doesn't deserve that
for me. I'm like, we can say that all we want. If we want
God so desperately. There is a there is work and anger in that
desperation somewhere. Sure, there's nothing wrong with
wanting something from God. He loves that. But our desperation
has a tendency to have something negative in it. In which deep
down, we're like, God, why not? Yeah, why haven't you I've been
asking, why haven't you can know, etc. And God's like,
okay, if you can't, in a manner of speaking, if you can't want
it, it kind of like what I was talking about earlier, you know,
like, if God tells us to accept this about him, but we're having
a hard time. And we're having a hard time doing it. While doing
this other, and we're like, well, because we can't reconcile
it, I can, I can only pick one, and we ended up picking this
one. So sometimes in order to choose this one, I have to let
go of this one, I have to stop choosing this one, I have to
make this my priority. And it's that that same kind of thing
with this other, as well, is that we can if we can't, in a
manner of speaking, if we can't want it, without holding it an
accusation against God, I have to stop wanting it sort of, it
doesn't mean that I don't actually still want it deep
down. But what it means is that I have to finally give up it
ever happening. And that's true surrender. And so that's what I
mean about doing like very desperate, quote, unquote,
reckless things is like, yeah, but God says it's good for me to
my God says it's good for me to whatever. Okay, abandon it
further, in order to choose something that he's asked you to
believe about him, such as like a very deep thing. Like, I want
you to choose me. I want you to believe me just because I said
it. I want you to believe that I love you, unconditionally, even
though you don't understand how that's possible, because you
read the Bible with all these conditions. But I just need to
abandon that for a bit. And not stop trying to make me happy by
doing all these good things. And just book make me feel loved by
simply believing me that I said it's true. And if I love you
unconditionally, how would you live? And how would you
interact with me? And what would you do? Even without any
experience yet, even without any whatever, simply the fact that I
said it. So a friend of mine says that belief is God's love
language. That's how God feels loved is not by obeying. Obeying
him is a natural result. And of us loving God. So if we're if
we're finding it hard to obey him, it means that our
motivation isn't love. It's trying to earn or please God. If
we're finding it hard, if we're finding ourselves resentful, it
means that we're trying to do it because we know we should not
because we naturally love him. So so anyway, it's like, okay,
Lord, that I want to obey you without the sweat without the
I want to obey you because I love you. So let me let me
abandon focusing on trying to figure out how to obey you for a
while. And I'm asking that you carry that for me. And that you
help me obey you. Because right now, I'm going to choose to
focus on this other because I can't seem to focus on them both
at the same time. So I've done a really good job of trying this
in my life. So now I'm going to try this. That you say that you
love me unconditionally. And you say that obedience is going
to be a natural effect of believing that you love me. So
that's how we love on God. And that's how we receive him. Is we
just believe them? What did he say? He says that he loves you
unconditionally. He says that you're one with him, you know,
etc. So. So anyway, I've been talking a lot. So what are your
thoughts?
So good.
I'm just, um, and all of this stuff you won't figure out.
It's one of those things that you, like, you can't convince yourself
and mentally walk yourself into this.
The only thing that we should be using our brain for, for something like
that, so to speak in our mind, in our decision is to make a decision.
Okay.
I'm going to choose it.
This is what I have decided.
This is what I am going to do.
Um, everything else just needs to come from, and even that really, but everything
else just needs to come from this, from this, um, just heartfelt, just.
Spiritual and soulish surrender, you know, to the Lord completely.
And, um, so what do you need?
Um, my husband came in for his coffee, but, uh, yeah, so, uh, anyway,
we just have to, you know, just, just abandon ourselves to him.
And these things have to be experienced, meaning, how do I put it?
I don't mean experience like this.
And we feel like we have an experience.
I mean that we have to live it and be it.
Sorry, let me close this curtain now that the flies.
Okay.
Um, as opposed to, this is the way that one of my clients has worded it.
She said, I finally, she said, I was struggling so hard to get this for
months, she said, until I realized I couldn't figure it out and I had to
embody it and I was like, bingo, that's it right there.
So you, if we try to figure it all out, there is a way in which we're
putting that that's working for it.
We're trying to figure it out, et cetera.
We have to kind of abandon ourselves into it and just start to start to, um,
uh, not, not live it because yeah, you do start living it, but you just kind
of abandon yourself to choosing that it's true and then just living
life in the experience of it.
And it's not an experience that God brings to you and you're the, the, it
just like comes upon you.
Like I had no, um, I didn't cause it to happen.
I was just laying there and then boom, God gave me an experience.
I don't mean that it's like you make a choice that something is real and then
you begin to live from that reality.
Okay.
If God loves me unconditionally, if I'm unified with him, I'm making
a decision that that is the reality.
I'm not waiting for proof.
I am making a decision that that is reality because God said so.
And then you think, okay, if that is true, how would I start to live?
What would I start to do?
And I think I've already, I've talked to you about, um, uh, about how, uh, how,
when I felt, um, when I needed to choose that God loved me, how, what I did was,
oh, well, by the way, first of all, you know, that whole choice between working
really hard to be good and just, just choosing that he loved me unconditionally.
I made sort of like choosing that I was okay with the Lord, that I was fine,
that I received things from him effortlessly, that he didn't make me bad.
He made me good.
That kind of thing.
I had to make that decision about 10 months before this other decision.
And then this other decision was I finally had to choose.
Okay, God, I choose you and who it is that you are, even though I
don't fully know who that is.
I choose who that is.
And I choose that you are who you say that you are.
And I ask that you manifest that into my life.
I choose you over my lifestyle.
In other words, I choose you over whatever it means that my life ends
up looking like by following you.
Whether or not I ever experienced you again, whether, and this was when I
had, and my relationships were on the rocks, my, my businesses were failing.
None of them were working.
And I, I didn't have money.
And so I was having to trust the Lord, you know, for food, et cetera.
And in that situation, I told the Lord, Lord, even if my situation never
changes, because it felt like it was the lowest that it could go.
I just, I didn't feel wanted and liked and, and all of that good stuff.
And, um, and so I just told the Lord, Lord, even if it never changes from this
place, I choose you over my life ever changing and looking better than the,
than the really sad, depressing state.
And I mean, when I say depressed, I was like, it was like.
major like depression. It was like, God doesn't love, you know, I'm, it, it doesn't feel like
God loves me. It doesn't fully likes me. It feels like everybody else gets good things. And I don't,
it was from that place. And I told God, I choose you over my lifestyle. And I stopped holding
you accountable to me for what my life looks like. I give it up completely. I stop
holding on to my life and holding on to what my life looks like and what happens in my life.
I give it up. And I ask that you just be who you are and that you be that into my life,
no matter what it makes my life look like, no matter if it brings comfort or pain or whatever,
that you just be who you are into my life. So I made that decision. And then I made the decision
of like, okay, God chooses the, God says that he loves me unconditionally. So I don't believe it.
It doesn't feel like it's true. I've got nothing to go on except simply the fact that God said,
and I've never been able to receive it simply because God said so. So that's something new.
I can do for 35 years at the time. I thought I have tried all of the other, I've tried to believe
it. I've tried to convince myself. I tried to find it all in scripture. None of it worked.
Meaning like I couldn't see, I couldn't reconcile scripture. I could see, yes, he loves me and all
that, but I saw all these other negative things too. And I was like, well, maybe that cancels out
the love, you know, anyway, finally I thought, okay, you know, I can't convince myself and I
don't feel it. I've tried that for 35 years. So I'm going to try something I haven't tried.
If God said it, I'm just going to choose that it's true. And I'm going to start living like it.
I'm going to make up that that's really what it is. Cause it felt like I was making it up.
I wasn't really making it up because God says it's true. Just going to choose that he loves me.
So I got out of bed. I made that decision while I was lying in bed, not motivated to get up.
And I was like, I'm going to choose that he loves me. So I get it. So, um, I just chose it right
then on my work. He loves me right now. That's what he said. So I am choosing that that is the
experience I am having right now. I, even though I don't feel it, I'm choosing that he loves me.
Like, okay. So I get up. It's like, oh my word. God loves me. And I'm continuing. This is a
continual choice that I'm making. God loves me. So I make my bed and God loves me while I'm making
my bed. He loves not because I'm making my bed. He just loves me while I'm standing here doing that.
And then I got in the shower and I was in the shower and it's like, God loves me. This is
amazing. He delights in me. He's looking at me right now, delighting me for who I am,
not because of what I'm doing or anything, or what I will be doing or what choices I have made
or what choices I have a tendency to make just right now. Then I went, I got out of the shower
and I was standing there, you know, getting ready and putting on my makeup and doing my hair.
God enjoys me and delight in the fact that I enjoy, you know, putting on my makeup and I enjoy
all of these different experiences that he enables me to have here on earth by interacting with
things he created. And then I went and I made breakfast and I did the same thing. He, I just
stood while I was making breakfast. I just, I chose God says that he's, he's always present
and that he always loves me and that he delights in me. You know, he says in the song is in song
of Solomon, you know, that I'm the apple of his eye. Okay. Well, I'm standing here as the apple
of his eye. This is amazing. You know, and I would just do my stuff and then I'd go sit on
the balcony with my breakfast and I would, you know, I would just choose, okay, me sitting here.
God loves me. He's not looking on me thinking, actually, why aren't you doing this? Actually,
why aren't you doing this? Actually, why did you do that yesterday? Actually, what are you going
to do tomorrow? Have you planned that? You know, and I just chose that, that I chose to disconnect
my interaction with God from my actions, that my interactions with God, my connection with him,
him talking to me or his love for me was completely separated from what it is that I did.
And I had to choose that that was true. So that's what I did. And I chose, and that's how I started
on this journey of shifting, you know, into rest and all of that is I did that before I knew
anything about rest. In fact, this was six months before God gave me the word rest.
Well, I say that, I don't know, maybe it was four months. I don't know. It was four, six months,
something like that before he gave me the word rest. I didn't know what I was doing,
except for the fact that God kept saying things and I thought, I don't believe it.
No. So I've got to make myself choose it, because belief isn't coming without me.
hasn't come yet. I've wanted it badly. And I prayed and asked
God for it, and it still hasn't come. So I will make it so I
would choose that it's true. And everything changed. Everything
in my life completely changed. Because he's like, now you
believe me. So now you can experience my love. Now you can
experience the union. Now you can experience rest and love,
joy and peace, because you chose it. You chose to believe me. And
so now because you believe me, you get to experience all of the
things that I've already given. So what are your thoughts?
I think it sounds freeing and amazing. I wonder if
do you think it would be helpful when you're talking about these
two different things, to let go of some of these things for a
period, like you mentioned, like things like maybe I have rituals
with fasting, tithing, giving, praying, reading the Bible,
community, and, and also distracting myself, something I
thought I'd mentioned to you that maybe it's helpful to I
think it's hard, like you're saying to reconcile these
things.
So because obviously, to choose to believe God, it's something
you do, it's I can't just sit and wait for it to happen,
because I have prayed for it, and I have waited and it hasn't
happened. So maybe it's, it would be helpful for a period,
like you say, to let go of some things and just trust that God
will hold it like and you're not going to turn back. And it
doesn't, you're never going to read the Bible again, and you're
never going to give money or you're not correct. And I did
all of those things. I let all those things go for a while,
because I couldn't let go of the things because with me, I'm
tormented with doing the right thing all the time. I'm like,
correct, want to do the right thing. What? Tell me what to do.
I'll do it whenever, whenever you do. I was doing all of
those, like a religion, the right thing. Yeah. And I think
it is because I don't want to please God. Yeah. I love him so
much. Yeah, so much. I want to please him. I really want him to
be happy with me. But so then I'm like, I didn't read the
Bible today or for a few days, I need to read it. And then some
of these things that are actually good becomes
become a hindrance between you and God, because you're using
him as payment.
Yes, yeah, yeah. And then I feel good about myself. And then I
feel also that he should reward me. Like, yeah, honestly,
that's exactly no, exactly what we do. Like, when you're honest,
you actually are a reward. Exactly. So I'm just thinking
when I listen to you, maybe it would be helpful just to
surrender some of the things that I do all the time, just for
a period and just open up for his love daily. Yeah. I don't
know. Yeah. And especially choose that he loves you. When
you are tempted to feel condemned, because you're not
doing the thing. So for instance, the way that I did it
an example of what I did is I would find myself what I used
to use is I used to use apology to the Lord for doing sins
intentionally or unintentionally. I used to use
apology to the Lord as payment for him to talk to me again.
Because when I was growing up, I was told by my Sunday school
teacher. Well, technically, it was my it was my school teacher,
but I went to a Christian school. And I was told by him
in fourth grade, that God stopped talking to me when I
sinned. Well, that terrified the living daylights out of me
because sometimes because this was the same teacher who told
me that the Israelites had that God had a special sacrifice
that the Israelites did, and we're supposed to do when they
send in didn't know it. It was to cover all of the sins that
they had done in a certain amount of time that they weren't
even aware that they had done any sense. And I'm like, Oh my
goodness. So you mean that God could stop talking to me? When
I've done something, and I don't even know I've done it. So
sometimes I'm in connection with God. And sometimes I'm not
And I don't know when it comes and goes, I was terrified.
And so what I would do is I would just apologize all the time to the Lord.
God, I'm sorry.
I don't know what it is that I've just, that I've done, but Lord, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Anyway, so I stopped doing that as I got older, stopped apologizing for all
these things that I wasn't aware of, but I was still apologizing all the time
for things that I thought were maybe wrong, maybe possibly wrong, or maybe
we're done with the, they were right, but they were done with the bad heart or
a pure intention and therefore I apologize.
It was, Oh, it was constant.
In fact, it's, it's one of those things that has driven people crazy about me
is that I historically have just apologized all the time.
I've gotten a lot better about it.
But anyway, the thing is that I realized when I was trying to learn all this
with the Lord, that I was that I was using apology as payment, in other words,
to transact something to God in order to get something from him.
Like, okay, God, I will, I'll do this.
And now that I put a little quarter in the machine, well then, you know, I'll
get connection with you back or you'll talk to me again, or yours and my
relationship will be restored because the only way it's broken Lord is because
I've done something because you don't ever do anything wrong.
So apparently it's always me.
So I'm always trying to work hard to make up the difference because I've messed it
up, so therefore I have to fix it.
And that's actually not true.
God says in the Bible that because in order to avoid the fact that, how would I
word that in order to avoid the fact that we could mess it up and that we could
break the covenant, he didn't allow us to be part of the covenant and God may
covenant with himself and we just get to benefit from it.
And he did it that way so that the covenant could never be broken
or never change or whatever.
So it is mentioned that in Hebrews six, but anyway so, and then also the
fact that Jesus was asleep.
In other words, he was dead when God made covenant.
So in other words, Jesus being dead, he couldn't make the covenant.
So it was, it's very, it was a symbol of the fact that God was doing it himself.
So, um, anyway, um, where was I going with that?
Oh yeah.
The apology.
So what I started to do in order, again, drastic measures, reckless
abandoned, what I began to do to teach myself to believe God, if he said he
loved me unconditionally and he doesn't, and I'm unified with him, that means
he doesn't stop talking to me.
So I'm like, okay, so how can I get myself to believe this?
In other words, to choose that this is true.
How can I, because if you, if you say you believe it, but you don't act on
it, then you don't really believe it.
So it's like, okay, I'm not acting like it.
So apparently I don't really believe it.
So how, what can I do to help myself really finally choose it?
And I thought, okay, I'm going to have to put myself in a
risky situation with the Lord.
So I would find myself intentionally sinning or maybe unintentionally
sinning, whatever it was.
And I would suddenly realize what I was doing.
And so I was like, okay, this is a good opportunity.
And normally I would just feel so guilty.
And I'm like, goodness, Lord, I'm so sorry.
And then I would start it.
I would think, oh my goodness, I I'm separated from God because
that's what I told myself.
And that's what other people had told me.
Oh no, I'm separated from God.
I want to be reconnected with him.
So what do I need to do?
I need to apologize.
And I need to feel really, really, really, really bad about it because
that's part of the, as part of the payment is I feel really bad.
I feel shame.
I felt condemnation.
I felt guilt.
So I thought, okay, but what does God say?
That God says that he loves me unconditionally.
That means without conditions.
That means even if I sin intentionally or unintentionally, he doesn't stop loving
me and I'm still connected with him.
And therefore he still talks to me.
So I'm going to take God at his word.
And I'm going to teach myself to trust him and to believe him by allowing
myself to be in this, in that situation and not apologize.
So in other words, not try to pay him for something that he
told me I can't pay him for.
So I didn't allow myself to try to pay him.
So what I would do is I would find myself in that situation where I was
intentionally or unintentionally sinning and I would stop and I'd say, okay.
And I kind of like sit in it for a second and really drive it home to
myself that I'm in sin and I don't know what it was, it was probably like, I
don't know, I was, I happened to have thought a negative thought about somebody
that I was frustrated with or something.
I don't know.
And I, and so I, I told the Lord and so I chose, okay, God loves me right now.
He completely delights in me.
So I did the same thing that I did
like when I was making my bed or making breakfast
or in the shower, God loves me completely right now.
He delights in me.
I'm unified with him.
He's talking to me right now.
I made the choice that that,
and I made up that that was real.
Again, I didn't make it up, but it feels like it.
It's that kind of a thing,
like you are making a decision
and you're making something reality.
So anyway, I chose that and then I thought, okay,
and then what else can I do to kind of solidify this
to myself that it really is true
without me having to apologize to the Lord.
Like in other words, that he hasn't broken contact with me
or communication or connection.
And I thought, I'll ask him for something
because according to what he says about himself,
he never breaks that bond, that love, that connection.
He loves me because that's who he is,
not based off of what I do.
That's why he loves.
He's God, he can't help but love.
So the fact that he loves me says everything about him
and nothing about me.
It just, that's he who he is
and he needed an object for being who he was.
In other words, to get to receive his character.
So he made us, but he loves because it's just who he is.
When he wakes up every morning, that's just who he is,
which God doesn't wake up, but you know,
when he's just up every morning, that's who he is.
He just loves.
So anyway, what I did is I thought, okay,
well, God says that he's,
all I have to do is when I want something,
all I have to do is ask him for it.
So in the middle of my sin, without me apologizing,
I am choosing that he loves me,
that I'm unified with him, that he's talking to me
that he gives me things because he's a good father,
not because I've deserved it,
not because I've worked for it,
it's simply because that's who he is.
And he, as a good father, loves me
and wants to give me things.
So I would ask him for things
and he would start to do them.
He would answer my prayers.
He would answer what I asked of him.
And then it wasn't until after I could finally disconnect
by my association of my apology with a payment
and realize I don't have to pay
because I've already had everything
and I'm receiving the benefits of all of the things
that I used to apologize in order to try to get.
I got him now without the apology.
So apparently God is true.
Apparently what he says really is true,
but I had to put myself in that situation
to allow God to prove himself, so to speak,
in order for God to quote unquote, show up
like he said that he really is.
And so anyway, it wasn't until I could finally believe him
that I would finally apologize.
And the reason I would apologize,
sorry, the reason I would apologize
is simply because I'm in relationship with him.
And I'm like, Lord, I'm sorry for what it is that I did.
My sin, in other words,
the action that I did out of my unbelief,
because that's what sin is, is unbelief.
I apologize to you about that because I love you.
You love me unconditionally.
I love you.
And so I'm going to apologize
simply because we have relationship,
but no longer, Lord, in order to give you something
that you're waiting for me to give you
before you interact with me,
you say that there's no qualifications for that.
So I'm going to release that.
So anyway, is that helpful?
So that's what I did.
But so what it is that you do, if you choose,
okay, we're going to abandon this for a while
in order to step out in faith
and put yourself in a position to choose
that you really are, that God is who he says that he is,
is you have to choose that as opposed to,
okay, I'm just going to stop all of this.
It's like you exchange it for, okay,
instead of feeling bad when I'm not doing it,
so in other words,
if ever though you're tempted to feel bad,
like, oh my word, yeah, in that situation,
release yourself from the shame and condemnation
because God said so.
God says that you are not condemned,
even when you do those,
even when, if you don't do those things,
even if you don't believe him, you're not condemned.
So anyway, and then you choose that you were loved
while you were not condemned.
or not doing the thing.
So you exchange your focus for,
used to your priority was being aware
of what it is you needed to do.
And you would, you know,
you would do it in order to please God or whatever.
Now, in that place, instead of,
when you're faced with, oh, I should do this.
Oh, sorry.
I'm just not sitting up straight.
And you're not doing this.
Now, instead, what you,
instead of relying on you doing it
in order to make you safe and secure with God,
you choose instead, no.
I am fully loved, fully unified with the Lord.
He's talking to me right now.
And I choose that.
If he said that that's the case,
then it really is the case.
And you exchange believing him for feeling better.
Hmm.
Believe him instead, make that your higher priority.
And that will make you feel better, by the way,
because this is such a beautiful, wonderful thing.
The fact that he loves you unconditionally,
you know, the fact that he's always talking to you
and he never loses connection with you,
you know, et cetera,
that you didn't do anything that would affect,
that would change how God interacts with you
because he interacts with you based off of who he is,
not off of who you are.
God, that's what rest is.
He literally does everything.
All that we have to do is just receive the fact,
receive him doing everything.
It's allowing him to do everything.
That's all we have to do.
In other words, we have to stop doing it
and we have to allow him to do it.
So it's the stopping, the stopping of the trying.
That's where that whole stop trying comes in.
It's like, you allow God to be himself.
You allow God to do it.
You know, it's the allowing.
It's not a working to try to help to believe God
or whatever, it's allowing him.
But anyway, so that's what you would exchange
the not doing all those things for.
Whenever you feel bad,
you're gonna feel bad because you're thinking,
you're believing that it's keeping you from God,
keeping God from you,
that you need to make your payment
in order to be assured of a connection with the Lord.
And you have to choose that if God says
they're not required, then act like, okay,
then it's not required.
So therefore I'm not gonna do it.
It's just for a season
so that you can trade out why you're doing it.
So you can stop doing it in payment to the Lord
and you can build up your security in being loved by him
and then start doing those things
because you're loved by him,
because that's who you naturally are anyway.
But right now we're doing it out of sweat
so it doesn't count anyway.
Because anything we do out of sweat doesn't count.
Tithing, because we feel we have to, doesn't count.
You know, the same thing with like loving him
or reading the Bible,
those things do not count
if we're doing them out of obligation.
It's only if we do them out of love
that they count with the Lord,
that the Lord's like, yeah, see, you're doing it
because that's who you are, you know.
So it's okay to give it up
because it's not working anyway
because we're doing it out of sweat.
We're doing it because God can't be paid.
Something in it is wanting to please him.
Yeah.
And I think it's something else
that I wanted to tell you or ask you about
was maybe it's related to this
or maybe it's a little bit different,
but I'm, I don't know,
I'm a person that I'm usually pretty creative
and I've had a lot of prophecies over my life.
And right now I'm in a place,
I don't know, maybe it's a coincidence
or maybe God led me to a place where right now
I'm not doing any of the things that I usually do
and I'm not able to distract.
It could be things like I used to lead worship,
be in singing, I used to dance, write,
vlog, be active on social media.
Give quite a bit of money.
I used to run and train.
And right now I'm not,
not all the time, everything at the same time,
different seasons in my life.
And now I don't do anything.
And partly it's,
I think because I'm tired and I'm not able to distract myself, it's I've used it as coping
mechanism, partly to deal with, partly because I loved it and it was who I was and partly to
distract myself from childhood wounds and trauma. And also like, I'm thinking too much about saying,
well, if I go for a walk, I'll feel better or I'll make dinner. And you're using it as
mechanism to distract yourself and to handle life. And I think we talked about it in that
previous talk that I, I've been asking questions, do I, I feel horrible about myself because I'm
not living in anything that God gave me as talents or gifts or what I like to do. And,
but I also feel really tired of distracting myself all the time. Yeah. So I feel, and then,
and part of me is like, well, you just need to join the worship team again. Then you're going
to feel better about yourself or you need to get your pay. You're, you need to get yourself
together and start running again, or you need to start blogging, but there's, but some part of me
just, just can't do it. But then it makes me feel even more miserable. And like, I'm nothing,
I'm worthless. I don't have a voice in the world or anywhere and I can't distract myself. I know
I should go for a run, but I, all I can do is lay on the couch and drink Coke. It's like,
so it's like, it's, I just don't know how to, I don't know, understand what's going on or how to
handle this. I'm tired of distracting myself. At the same time, I know that God gave me certain
gifts, which he would love for me to use, but I just can't just start worship team just because
I feel bad and worthless because I'm not singing as well. This is going on at the same time.
And I'm wondering what it is. And because I feel just like nothing like a nobody. Yeah.
So I would recommend that you start doing some of those things again, and you get to pick which ones
they are, but you do them from a different place instead of doing them to distract you or as a
coping mechanism or, Oh, I should do this. Think of like, just so this'll come a bit easier. Maybe
when, um, you, uh, when you choose more and more that you are unconditionally loved
and delighted in just because of who it is that you are pick something because you like it,
it gets you excited for no other reason than the flat out heck of it. You're not doing, you're not,
you're not like trying to accomplish anything. You're not trying to like, make yourself better.
You're like, what would be fun just to do where, where it doesn't have to grow into anything.
I, it doesn't have to be me being productive. I, cause a lot of times we don't let ourselves do
hobbies because they don't feel productive. We're like, well, I should be doing something else
instead or whatever. So like painting or drawing or writing, or I'm trying to remember the things
that you said, you know, being on social media, what makes you come alive and just feels fun?
Huh? It doesn't. Nothing makes you feel alive right now. Everything just feels
it. None of it gives me joy. Does it get, does it give you joy? And we're just exploring this,
you know, does it not give you joy because you feel some kind of a subconscious pressure
that it's supposed to result in something or it's supposed to be good enough. So, yes. So that's,
that's the other thing about like, remember that we're supposed to release the outcome to God,
the same thing with like being creative or expressing our hobbies or whatever. A lot of
times we're told, um, by, uh, uh, you know, in the world that, Hey, you know, you need to get a goal
and work towards the goal. And the problem with that is, and while that's not necessarily bad,
it's the problem is that we can start to idolize the goal and think that the goal and getting there
and the destination is what's important so that the journey and the process of getting there is
only as good as what it results in, as opposed to simply enjoying the journey for the moment,
just enjoy doing the thing for the doing of the thing, and then discover later what it turns into
instead of controlling the outcome.
And by the choices that you make here like okay well i'm making this decision and doing it this way and writing this way or doing social media this way because i'm working towards this don't work towards anything.
Just enjoy you be getting to be allowing yourself to be you for those creative things to come up and out and you just doing the thing.
So, for me, for me, like, for instance, one of the things that I love is I always get really I love knitting and I always get so sad when I finish a project.
Which is so funny because when i'm working on it i'm anticipating the end oh i'm so excited about when this is going to be done, and that I can see the whole thing you know it's a you know see the whole thing like done and it's all together, but.
I also love the reason why, and yet, is I enjoy the journey so much I enjoy just sitting and doing it, and one of the things that i've had to remind myself of is actually.
God enjoys you just doing the thing, not in it resulting in something the resulting in something is just kind of icing on the cake and once it results in something it means you get to pick up a different project.
But just enjoy the doing of it and we're so often that we're we're we've been taught that unless it results in some.
We are we've been measured by other people and are taught to measure ourselves by an end.
By accomplishments by by the finish by the outcome so, then we think that the journey itself is less than that.
And is only as good as what it results in and guys like know the point is the journey, the point isn't the destination, the whole point.
Is the moments the whole point is the process it's the enjoying of that the same thing of our relationship with them we're not getting anywhere in our relationship with him.
there's no there's no like place that we're going, we have a direction that we're heading and the fact that we're becoming more close to him and more intimate.
But we have no place that we're landing because God is infinite so we're never going to get to the end, so we're released from from being from working towards a goal.
With the Lord we've got no goal that we're working towards with him he's just like we're just we're just relating we're interacting we're having fun we're talking i'm revealing more to you about who I am and you're showing me more of who you are.
So allow yourself to develop so you can actually show that to me so that I can enjoy that, but I can enjoy something that you don't allow yourself to develop so in a manner of speaking choose yourself.
and choose that and that's what I was talking about like with all of these hobbies.
choose got so that's another way in which we have faith is the fact that God's that we choose that God is who he says that he is to the degree, he says that he is that, and that we are who he says that we are.
So choose that you are who God has declared you to be you're a good thing.
And the desires that come up out of you and the things that you love to do and the things that you're good at or whatever that is.
that's an aspect of you, who it is that you are expressing itself you're not someone your identity is not the person who loves to write or the person who is in social news who likes to do stuff in social media or who runs that's not who you are.
that's how, who you are has decided to express itself sometimes you like to express yourself as writing in writing sometimes you like to express yourself as running etc.
allow you to flow freely and express yourself in different modalities and just do the deck don't don't have a goal, I mean unless the goal is fun.
And then, unless the goal unless having a goal is fun and if it's and if it is fun don't make it the point make the point just the doing of it.
And the getting there, that is taking God at his word that he is good and that he made you in him good we're not good apart from God in God our spirit being one with Christ we're completely good.
Because we're in him that knew that new man that old man apart from Christ was not good, the new man in Christ is always good.
So you are good and so allow that goodness to express itself because that's why God created the world, he created the world so that word or spirit would become flesh.
So that we would actually show it and express it instead of it being stifled and only sit in the spirit.
it's to flow out, so we have to allow ourselves to do those things just to have fun and it might it might take a little bit of like.
I don't want to say practice, but if you've been with if you've been holding back so long, it might be kind of hard to start again.
yeah because for a while because.
there's also all, it can also trigger traumas.
Yeah.
Because you're like, yeah, but the last time
that I did this, the last time I wrote, I felt bad.
Or the last time that I had a season of writing,
I was very stressed or whatever.
But remember that those were simply you approaching it
from a weighted, pressurized situation, not based on truth.
So now you're simply going to approach it from the other way.
And so now it's going to be in freedom,
not going to be in pressure.
So there's no reason to be afraid of something
that you had a bad experience with last time,
because you were approaching it from.
There's a lot of fear connected to it.
Yeah.
What do you think the fear is?
The fear is the experience you had last time,
the fear is the experience you had last time, or what?
I think part of it is, to be honest,
is how it is received.
That could be part of it,
because I am a God pleaser and a people pleaser.
So I want to please God, but I also want to please people.
Yeah.
So then I'm always worried about
how will things be accepted
if I write something or blog something,
and I'm terrified that no one's going to think it's good.
And if I don't get attention, I feel really shameful.
Yeah.
So that is part of it.
The singing is that last time I was in worship leading,
it was with the guy that I liked that rejected me.
Oh, yeah.
So that was a traumatic experience for me,
the whole thing, it was horrible.
So it would be returning to his worship team,
because we're still in the same church,
because God told me to go through it
and not leave the church.
So it would be, either it would be returning to the team,
or it would be turning to the other team,
but having to tell him in all decency
that I'm not coming back, I'm choosing the other one.
So either way, I would have to talk to him.
So some of it is related to bad experiences,
and some of it is the fear of people.
Yeah.
Yeah, and also some of it is that I just lost
the joy and energy.
Like I used to be pretty good at dancing,
and now I'm 10 years older,
and my body's not looked the same.
I can't do the same physically.
Things.
I don't feel that good dancing anymore,
because it doesn't look as good as it used to.
So, and that is, I guess, like identity or shame.
Yeah.
So different things with different,
and I can't run as much as I did before,
because I used to be in better shape.
So I don't want to just do it and fail.
So depending on what it is, it's different.
Yeah.
All of these things.
Yeah.
Bad experiences, fear.
Yeah.
So a couple of things.
One, I would recommend, you can, again,
you can do whatever you want.
I'm just giving you ideas about what it is you can do
to help yourself actually put yourself
in a position to believe God,
where you're like, okay, God,
I've been avoiding it because I don't believe you.
So I am going to believe you
and put myself back in that situation,
and you, I believe, are going to reveal
by the experience that I have,
that you really are who you say that you are.
You really do love me unconditionally,
you know, et cetera, et cetera.
So you really don't condemn me, whatever.
I will experience it,
because I will put myself in a situation,
not to see what you're going to do.
No, all chips in, I am making it my reality
where I risk disappointment.
Like I am full in, and I'm choosing that this is real,
and I'm expecting God you to show up,
because I show up the way that you say
that your character is,
and this is me stepping out in faith.
And just pick what you can do.
So all of the ones that you mentioned,
you know, that are challenging,
which one can you stretch to right now?
May not be able to do all of them,
you know, or like any particular one
might be like a little too much.
Which one can you do?
Like, for instance, like writing,
like, okay, well, maybe I could, maybe I could write.
Okay, of all of the ones, you know,
because the whole worship thing,
then I have to interact with him.
And that would just be,
that would just be a little too much for me right now.
You know, well, it's baby steps here,
you know, give yourself some wins, so to speak.
And so maybe you're thinking.
Okay, well, we're writing.
Wow, that whole thing about the people thing
is a bit too much.
So you know what I'm gonna do?
I am going to make it so that to unpublish my blog
and just write for me.
And so, and it's still out there on the internet,
but it's unpublished.
So in other words, nobody has access to be able to see it,
but I'm still writing.
And in it, I am choosing that
and I'm allowing me to freely flow
and to experience God delighting in me while I'm being me.
But I'm just going where it is that my faith is right now.
That's just the level to which my faith is right now.
I can't handle the whole thing
of like the potential of people seeing it, right?
Or you might be able to think,
okay, well, I can stretch to allow people to see it.
Maybe that's where you think that you are.
You're like, oh my word, that's so hard,
but I'm gonna choose God
and the fact that he delights in me
and that that's enough over people's approval.
So if you're there, then you can do that.
And if you're not there,
well, then it can be something that you add on later.
Another thing I wanted to mention, a friend of mine,
one of the ladies in the rest intensive does not,
she grew up where her family,
she had a really bad, embarrassing, traumatic memories
of singing growing up because she and her family,
like her whole big family,
they all used to travel to different churches
and they used to sing.
And she said it was a really bad experience
because they always felt that their dad was like pushing him
and they didn't feel comfortable and whatever.
She said she loved the singing part,
but she didn't like the atmosphere
and the environment that she encountered.
And she said it just made her feel awful.
And so it just would bring back traumatic memories,
but she loves singing.
So what she did the other day about like,
I don't know, four or five months ago is she thought,
okay, I need to continue to expand
in living life in more freedom.
And that isn't, and I love singing and I miss singing,
but I have really bad traumatic memories from it
where I am now terrified to get up on stage
and sing in worship on Sunday morning
because of the bad memories from when she was like 12.
And she's like in her twenties now.
And so she's just like, I just have bad memories.
But she said, you know, I'm gonna choose that God,
that even standing in front of people
and what it is that they could think.
And the fact that I have not practiced in a long time,
I mean, obviously she would sing at home, et cetera,
but I haven't done this publicly in a long time,
you know, et cetera, et cetera.
She said, I am going to actually put myself
in that position in order to choose that God protects me,
in order to choose that I am safe with him.
And that, in other words, to rewrite my record
of the last time I experienced this,
I will now have a different experience
because I am choosing this time
that God protects me and keeps me safe.
So she did.
And so she said, Ashley, the first time I got up there,
she said, I was terrified.
She said, I'm like, she said,
all of those memories kept flooding back.
She just panicked.
She said, but she did it anyway.
And she said, Ashley, I had so much fun
because now God was showing, hey, unlike your father,
you know, in the physical, you know, unlike your father,
where he wasn't kind, you know, to you
and make you feel safe singing with the family.
Unlike that, you know, I, as your good father
and keeping you safe, you, I'm not judging you
for what it is that you're doing
and how it is that you're doing it.
I'm delighting in you.
I love, I made you to sing
and you were taking me at your word
that I delight in, you were taking me at my word
that I delight in you, that I enjoy you being you
and expressing you and for you that singing.
And so anyway, she just kind of cast herself
on the Lord like that.
She's like, okay, if the Lord says that he loves me,
if the Lord says that I'm enough,
then the reason why I'm not doing what it is
that I actually really want to do,
except without all of the pressure, you know,
I am going to now do that.
And that, and that is me stepping out in faith
that God will keep me safe in being me, you know?
And so that's what she chose to do.
And she's been doing it for the past several months,
loves it, you know, and it's just like, oh my word,
you know, because it healed.
In a manner of speaking, it healed an aspect of her life that she just had bad memories
associated with that had made her feel not, I don't know, I don't remember everything
that those bad memories made her feel, but anyway, so those are some different ways that
you can step out in faith that on acting on the fact that God delights in you unconditionally
is allow yourself to do things without that you love naturally without having any pressure
because he's not holding you to an accomplishment. I mean, you might eventually,
you know, accomplish something, but he's not holding you to the accomplishment. He wants you
to express who you are. And that just kind of develops itself over time. You know,
you know, you, you practice, you just, you just be, and other people don't have to see it
and interact with it and know that about you in order for it to be in order for it to be
valuable. And for you to be doing something spiritually significant, you can be alone in
your room painting or writing or whatever. No one ever sees it. No one ever knows,
except you and God, because it's you flowing out. It's your spirit that is flowing out and is
expressing itself in some way. And that spiritually and in creation makes an impact, even if no one
ever sees it. So you can start there. And I keep using writing as an example. I don't know why,
maybe because it's easy for me to kind of like talk to and like scenarios, but
yeah, someone that just, so it doesn't know me and got the word writer when, oh, okay.
Pray for me. And she didn't know that I used to write. Oh, that's cool. No, that's interesting.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She felt like there was something about me and being an author and I'm
like, oh, you didn't know that I actually wrote. And she's like, no, I didn't know.
Yeah. That's cool. Maybe. Yeah. Well, I have another teaching that I did that would,
the other night we did a, what are called rest groups, which are basically small groups
in the rest intensive community. And I did a, there was something that based off of like some
of the stuff that everyone was, that people were sharing about, like stuff that they were
struggling with. I was just feeling in my spirit that something needed to be addressed that I
thought would be very helpful for everyone. And that was in choosing themselves and owning
themselves and owning their own decisions. So I have some, so I'll post that and hopefully
it'll be helpful. Other people, I just kind of like did it just off the cuff and I was just like,
I felt like I needed to talk about this and boom, I talked about it. And then it really,
really helped people. So, and where it is that they are. So hopefully it will be helpful to you
as well. So I'll post that in the page, in the rest intensive members page for you to be able
to look at it. So hopefully that'll be helpful, but I'm not part of that group, the rest intensive
members page on the enter his dot rest. Yeah. So I just go to the members.
Like it's yeah. Yeah. Where you go to watch the videos. Yeah. And the one that we remember that
other video that I posted of me and like the red shirt. So I'll post it next to that one.
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I post it. I just wondered if it was another place, but now I know. Okay.
Yeah. And there you go. Yeah. So anyway, hopefully that'll be helpful. You're welcome. So you doing
okay. Yes. I'm doing okay. It's a lot to take in, but I'm doing all right. I have so many things
going on right now. Yes. Yes. I'm sure. Yeah. We really did talk about a lot of heavy things. A lot
of things. We really did. When I get the, and I've gone, I've looked through almost all the teaching.
I'm almost finished with number seven. I also look at our zoom talks again, like not all of them,
but some of them because yeah, I get new things. Yeah. Or sometimes that's how it works. And then
I'm like, I don't even, I couldn't take all of it in. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. And I probably will go
back and, and be like, oh, okay. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. All right. Well, good. Well, I'll post this
one and then I'll post that, um, that other teaching. So all right. As well. Yeah. Well,
much good to visit with you, Renee. And, and I apologize.
I will get back to you faster this time. So you feel free to let me know if you have questions.
So I will. And my name is Renata. Oh, it's Renata. Yes, I know. Some Americans call me
Renate. And I think it's because N-A-T-E sound the way you is. That's phonetically.
And so I'm so sorry. I've always been wanting to ask you how to pronounce it,
because I thought it's probably not Renate. That's because that would be an American
pronunciation. But I thought, I don't know how else to say it. So I had told myself,
OK, Ashley, whatever you do, don't say her name out loud unless you ask her first how to pronounce
it. So sorry about that. So Renate, that's lovely. It just sounded like someone else.
So I was like, yeah, Renate is a lovely name. So all right. Will you take care and you let
me know if you need to. Have a good day. See you. Thanks. Bye.