Oops.
Hey.
There you are.
Yes.
Trying to do something. Let's see.
All right.
That Shalom on your shirt. Yes. Shalom Shalom.
Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah.
Did you get it from, I got it from a Lindsay's group.
So Lindsay and her husband have a,
have a program called kingdom messengers.
And teach people how to, you know, she built a podcast.
And so they teach people how to gain followers.
And, and then also how to,
how to plan and present a kingdom message that they have on their
hearts. So anyway, she,
they have, and, and her, you remember, she started her.
Well, I say you remember, you know,
I didn't know if you've looked into her stuff, but she.
Okay.
So she's looking for a podcast.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
So you know that she talks about perfect peace. Well, that's.
Shalom Shalom means it means perfect peace in Hebrew.
And so anyway, she has,
they have merchandise for people to be able to purchase.
And so I got this sweatshirt.
I got this sweatshirt.
So.
Yep.
Really nice.
Yeah.
So how have you been?
Well, it's been.
It's I don't know.
I think craziness is coming up in them.
I'm really glad I'm going through the rest intensive.
That I have because there's so many things going on.
Yeah.
And I'm so triggered in like all my wounds.
And then I feel a lot of victory. Then I feel the feet.
And so it's a lot of things going on. So.
I don't know what to say.
Some really good things are happening.
Because remember the thing where I was going for a walk with my
mom and dad.
And they were giving me like a cold treatment for half an hour.
I had no idea what was going on.
And that actually triggered quite a bit of things in me.
Rejection wounds and also how to.
Learn that I could actually have rest in this and how to go through it
in spirit, which has been like,
so helpful to be part of the rest intensive.
If this, when this is going on.
Yeah.
That we do something kind of extraordinary.
Usually when you speak in church, you tell testimonies like, oh,
my life was so hard.
But then now it's so good because Jesus did this and this.
So she said,
what if we just invite the whole church into what you're going,
what we're going through right now.
And just invite them to be a part of it and see it,
And so we did that.
And we both felt great about it.
And we both felt peace. And the pastor was like,
that is such a gift to the church.
If you can actually stand there in your brokenness.
In the middle of it.
Feeling rejected and triggered and everywhere.
And just like, but still committed to each other.
Still.
Doing it the kingdom way.
Yeah.
And it was so powerful.
I mean,
I did on Sunday and of course it was really challenging before.
And you're like sick to the stomach, what's going to happen?
And how is this going to be like,
And then it ended up being so powerful.
Like so powerful.
People were so touched and so moved.
And so convicted.
Yeah.
And I was like, I need to go and deal with these things in my life.
And I need to swallow, go home and just ponder this message.
It just really hit me. And we didn't teach anything.
We didn't tell you to do this and this and this.
We just share our own journey and how we have.
And where we were at and the whole story of.
What happened between us.
So.
Yeah.
It was so powerful to bring.
Fruit in the church and.
The pastor and his wife.
Was really.
on a kind of display so you can teach by living not just by teaching. Yeah exactly. So what
happened of course there came a backlash so one of the people in the church who is from a different
culture and his English is a little bit broken because we did this in English because my friend
is from another country so we did it in English but his English is not that great so
he didn't really understand what we were doing. He didn't understand that we had forgiven each
other so he in a group message with the pastor and his wife and several of the leaders and some
of us from the congregation where we have a chat where we encourage each other pray for each other
come with prayer requests blah blah and then he just kind of rebuked us in the chat.
Rebuked for what? For not having like you should forgive each other you should not focus on
yourself and remember I still love you kind of even if you did this and I think like we were
all like really shocked and of course and it just hits your emotion and you feel condemnation what
if this is what people are thinking and you have already told everyone your deepest wounds and
you've been really open and broken and then afterwards you're feeling I don't know it's
you're really open and very vulnerable so but then but I kind of so I think it hit my emotions
but then I was like okay I think I think I was able to walk through it and rest and to have
peace about okay what am I going to do in this I feel hurt now and I feel also you know embarrassed
in front of the whole like the whole leadership is in that group and no one was saying anything
Norway is a very non-confrontational culture so what people do is that they get stressed and they
say nothing so then you're just kind of like left there to dry but I was but I was able to just
look on the situation with a lot of grace and just like not condemn people for not speaking up
and to think okay he's young in faith he's just been a Christian three years and he didn't
understand the message and then I thought what is the right thing to do the right thing is to
not to do what he did confront in a message but to call him and like one-on-one and deal with it
one-on-one so I called him and I told him how it felt like and also asked him what did you mean
and how did what did you intend to display doing this and it was clearly that he misunderstood
and everything and but he wasn't really understanding his part of it so we made a lot
of excuses which made it harder because if he would have been like just like oh that was a mistake
I'm sorry then that would have been easy to just you just but then that didn't come like
clarity and release in the relationship because in my opinion he wasn't willing to see that he actually
did something wrong and kind of rebuking us in that way without actually talking to us
so I thought that this can lead me like but I think I've been able to keep
peace but it happened yesterday Sunday and yesterday so it's like really fresh
but I and today I just spent time just okay and there's a lot of other things going on at my work
and different things it's just like one of maybe three or four big things so what you've taught us
what you've taught us is like now you can go in and micromanage everything and look at everything
he said you said blah blah but you can also just bypass it so I was like just spend time today just
I choose union with you I can be about my father's business and I can let myself be loved in this
and you love him and you love the pastors those that didn't maybe should have spoken up you love
him you love me you are a god full of grace you have so much mercy on us and then I was
very able to like calm down and just receive his love and also the love for the people involved so
I wouldn't go and like blame and and just like okay this relationship is not solved but I have
spoken of what I believe is true and I can't change him I can't there's nothing like I can't
convict him or make him feel differently it's like he has to go his own way with this
and make his own choices so kind of like not take responsibility for
for what's his responsibility in this.
So but it's been intense.
And also what happened is that I called the pastor's wife
and just shared how I was feeling.
And she said, you were totally left out to dry.
And what he said was so uncalled for and so wrong.
And I actually feel like the pastors and the leaders
should step up on this because he actually rebuked you
in front of everyone.
And she's like, that's just so Norwegian, not to protect.
But then I was thinking, but I am protected.
Even though I didn't feel protected, I actually am.
I was like, remember that.
And so then she talked to her husband
and she said like, this is so wrong.
So actually he ended up,
he didn't confront the person in the chat,
but he wrote a quite a long affirmation to me and the girl,
just telling us like how much this meant to the church
and how he could see so much love and fruit through it.
And just kind of affirmed us,
kind of showing this guy and the others
that he believes that what we're doing in it,
that he thought that it was like a good thing.
So that was kind of a protection.
But the cool thing is that I kind of in a way
felt protected before that.
Good, that's wonderful.
Like I didn't need, it's not like,
oh, that's great that the pastor does that,
but I actually don't need it.
Yes.
I am protected.
Look at you, that's amazing.
Yeah.
Huge.
So even though it's been hard, some of it and emotional,
and it's not like now I feel at peace
because I know I just spent like an hour with God
and it's not like I've been peaceful the whole time.
Yeah.
I still feel like I've gone through it fairly in rest
and I haven't like acted just out of my emotions
or out of my flesh.
Like I don't know if I've said all the right things
at all times, I don't think I have, but.
We're just learning.
But I'm learning, but I think for the most part,
I've responded in love.
I'm sure you did, that's wonderful.
Yeah, isn't it cool?
I'm so excited for you, it's huge.
That's great.
And I think a big thing for me is the thing with protection
that a lot of times I feel unprotected
and that's when I start acting in my flesh also
because you feel fear and I need to protect myself.
I need to, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
It sounds like you did wonderful.
I'm so excited for you.
You chose the Lord, you chose just who you were in him,
you chose to have faith, you chose that,
to receive his protection instead of trying
to seek it from the pastor or from yourself.
So that's huge.
That's wonderful.
God just wants to, you know, he wants to be chosen.
So he wants to be the thing that we choose,
his protection, his love, his safety, his goodness,
his, you know, love.
So I think I already said that, anyway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good.
So that was one of the good things, but also,
but I think, so there hasn't been a lot of good things
the last week like this, but I think I'm,
and it's so good, like we talked last time,
just to, when you feel like I can't swallow all of this
or I'm not getting all of it,
just come back to the first message of love and goodness.
That's been really helpful
because I always want to be further than I am.
And when I realized that I'm not there,
I start like stressing out instead of just like,
okay, I'm actually not there.
It's okay.
And just, okay, just receive love.
Even go back to just like the first step,
just union with Christ, love.
And, but I think I have struggled
and I feel I have quite a few things that aren't,
that has come up this week that aren't resolved.
And one of them is the thing with not feeling protected
because the problems in my classroom has continued.
And this Monday,
I'm so glad to see you have your coffee there.
Yes, I do.
Yes.
That's so nice.
Yeah.
So I feel like the pupils have,
especially in one class have continued to be rude to me,
the guy that was rude last week
and totally disrespecting me.
And I've been thinking about, you know, he's a child.
So it's not like,
it's not the same story as you with your.
peer where you're both leaders in the same company because this is children.
So I thought about that but I really don't know what to do because I feel like I'm losing this
child and what I did I was trying to love him like I have two double classes 60 hour 60 minutes
and the first class I kind of
just try to affirm him try to not like notice his bad behavior he was yawning he was being
disrespectful he was really slowing being slow to do what I said kind of and I don't know if
he's doing it to provoke me or if he's mad at me or what's going on so and at the end of the class
I felt like worn out and I thought I'm gonna I need to talk to him so I talked to him and I sent
the others out and I don't think he liked it because he can't it kind of shows the others
it's it might feel like now I have a problem with the teacher and everyone knew so he's from a
society where it's a lot of like high class he's from east european country where when the teacher
needs to talk to you it's not because you need to you have a normal exchange it's because you need
to be disciplined so he could have seen it as a huge punishment that I needed to talk to him in
front of everyone else and I knew that was a risk because I'm aware of his cultural background and
how he views teachers but it was escalating so much and I was being feeling so threatened
even though I was telling myself you can have rest you can have peace but still I was starting
to feel so unprotected and also I was feeling like it was going to escalate so I talked to him
and he was just going into defense mode I didn't do that I didn't yawn I'm not mad at you I was
trying and I felt like I wasn't coming at him I was asking questions but also saying that some
things aren't acceptable in class and I asked why would you ask that question that to me sounds like
very rude like you're trying to get me no that wasn't rude and I told so I told and then I said
well I told you that you and another girl needed to be quiet and continue working and you said why
and then why would you say that he's like I just wanted to know and then I said but I explained to
you that I as a teacher don't have to explain to you why I'm telling all these things so I was
giving him examples of where he had been rude and questioning my authority again and again but he
wasn't getting it at all and he was just like can I go can I go so he was just being even more
disrespectful in the talk and then in the next 60 minutes of course he didn't he didn't
come blatantly out but he of course yawned maybe 20 times yeah kind of as um I don't know if it was
a yeah what is that it's a let me tell you that I don't care about what you said like I know I can't
be super disrespectful because you said passive aggressive yes yeah yeah so kind of like just
yawning and what he could get away with that yeah just under the radar so that you wouldn't
call him forward but he could still do everything yeah yeah and I'm like I afterwards I was thinking
and I already struggle with motivation at work because I did bachelor in Chinese and I'm just
starting to learn the language and I was going to go for exchange to China or Taiwan and then China's
closed and I didn't feel ready to go to either China or Taiwan and go on exchange so I decided
to be a teacher for a year in Chinese but I kind of feel like I should have been somewhere else in
my life like I should be on exchange I should be learning this language and I quit as a teacher
nine years ago I was seven years a teacher and then I thought I'm going to get burnt out in this
job I'm going to need a new profession so I did a master's degree and changed profession into
something else so then for nine years or after my master's I did another type of job another
profession for five six years no not five six years four years or five years then and and so
actually it feels like stepping backwards for me going a step backwards I'm back to being a teacher
a job that I kind of left and I should have been in China or I should have been somewhere else
so I struggle a lot with motivation and when these things happen I just want to quit and I just want
to give up on them and I so it's like part of it is motivation and the other part is like I don't
actually don't know what to do and I feel threatened and I was thinking afterwards what is going on
Jesus because I was asking the spirit through the class like what am I going to do how I'm going to
act I don't know and then towards the end of the class I realized it dawned on me you feel threatened
Like, and then I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm insecure.
That's what it is.
This is my insecurity.
I feel threatened and that's why I can stay in it for this long.
And then it's too hard.
And then I need to control it.
Like talk to him, stop him, call his parents or do something like that.
But then, so then I thought, well, what if I do what Ashley did and
just love him and don't address it.
But then this is a child and there are other students involved.
And then I'm like, what is my soul?
If I don't know what to do, where does my soul feel peace?
And my soul thing feels peace more in disciplining.
But again, that's also my pattern, but that's how I always, because I have
a reputation of making classes work.
And I've been, I think I've been very loving and very firm and those
two things have always worked for me.
So I've never struggled much with disciplining children.
But now love doesn't work and disciplining doesn't work.
And my default, if I've struggled with classes before has always
been more love, more discipline.
And my soul would find rest in disciplining and I would call them down.
I would talk to their parents.
I would set new boundaries and rules.
And then I made it work again because I loved them at the same time.
So they didn't, they didn't feel it.
Like it was a cold claw, just like telling them all these rules, but
because they felt my love in it, they were willing to, to abide to
the loss that I set for them.
And that's how I worked as a teacher for seven years and now it doesn't work.
And my soul finds rest in disciplining, but I am in a different position
because I used to be in a position of being the contact teacher, very
closely related to their parents, but now I'm not, and I don't see them.
And I used to have them every day.
Now I have them maybe just once or twice a week.
So I don't have the same relationship, the same authority in their lives.
And also I'm wondering if there's a new way for me.
I just don't, or if I should just go back to the old mode of disciplining.
Well, were you doing the old mode, you know, before you
started the rest intensive?
And was it working?
I did what you remember that I asked them the one time the
whole class came against me.
Yeah.
The parents were on wall.
I asked them for forgiveness.
Oh yeah.
And that changed the mode.
Yeah.
So that was not disciplining.
I chose to just show my brokenness and ask for forgiveness.
And that's, that's what I think the spirit wanted me to do.
And at that point, and I felt like I was in rest and I could walk in peace, even
if I got mail from the parents and upset children and everything, and that changed
everything since then, that's like maybe a month or so ago, there's, there's
been no problems like that.
That is amazing.
That's wonderful.
It's been a lot better.
Yeah.
Well, so discipline, you know, like what we were talking about the other day, it's
not, it's not wrong.
It's not bad.
It's needed.
It's just, where do we discipline from?
Cause even God disciplines us, but what do we discipline from?
Do we discipline from a place in which we're not threatened and that we love
or a place where we feel threatened?
Exactly.
So then the thing is that it, it wouldn't be a question of, of do I
discipline or do I not discipline?
You know, as if like, oh, well, I need to see them as Jesus sees them.
And therefore I don't need to discipline.
Well, no, we can see them as Jesus sees them and still discipline, but
it will change the tone of the discipline.
It will change the way that we discipline.
If we're doing it from love, seeing them as Jesus sees them, then the type of
discipline that comes, if we feel threatened, using discipline from that
perspective, it totally changes the, the tone of it.
It totally changes the spirit in which the discipline is being done.
And therefore it can change how the discipline is received and
the results of the discipline.
One is done in flesh, which leads to nothing but death.
And the other was done to the spirit, which always brings life.
It always brings an opportunity for the person or create, you know, another
aspect of creation, if it's not a person else to respond to the
spirit of God, it always gives it that opportunity.
So anyway, I just wanted to kind of throw that out there that it's not really, I
don't see it as a question of discipline or not discipline it's maybe changing.
The maybe changing the source of the discipline.
So if you.
shift yourself into remembering who it is that you are and choosing to rest
in the Lord, choosing that you're going to receive his protection instead
of trying to protect yourself through discipline or trying to do that.
And then, and then if you no longer feel threatened because you just choose
to receive, like I said, his protection, then it will change how you discipline.
It might change the modalities that you figure are a good way to discipline,
like the types of things that you do to discipline, it might change that.
It'll definitely change the spirit in which the discipline's done.
And therefore, you know, the kids will receive it different, you know,
that kind of thing.
So, because when I had students, I, that I had to learn it with students
before I learned it in the business world.
So I had to learn it with students before I learned it with peers.
And, and yeah, I had the kids that were like kicked out of their school
for like attitude and rebellion and doing what it is they wanted to do.
And then I had those kids.
So what I, and I had to discipline them, but if I focused on the children and not
on trying to, how would I put that?
I was going to say, focus on the children and not focus on what,
on them learning something.
Now, I mean, I would focus on them learning stuff, but it's like,
I chose the children over trying to get something done.
And then I, it's not that I wouldn't try to get the things done.
And it's not that they didn't get done.
It's that I chose them over it as the higher priority.
And then I was trying to accomplish two things at once.
Them and getting them learning the thing, but I always chose them as more
important and as them as the focus of learning the thing, like helping them
and benefiting them and loving on them and helping them really
build their self-esteem.
So I made every priority every day to be, to be valuing the students and to be,
how would you, that the priority of every day was the value of the students,
how important they were as people.
And that to be my focus in my heart and my motivation for why I went to work,
my motivation for why we did every different project that we did, why,
I don't know, just why we worked on specific problems, whatever,
was always valuing the students.
And because I saw them as who God saw them to be and how important and
significant that they were and whatever, regardless of how they were behaving.
And then they felt that and they would respond to me and they would change.
And, but I could still discipline.
In fact, they liked, as weird as it sounds, the discipline would make
them feel safe, but I didn't really have to discipline much.
If they once, you know, things were really established through my,
through the way that I interacted with them,
they could tell that I really valued them as people.
So anyway, that helped me, but I did have one or I did have a few times.
I remember one very specifically where my, my, my student was.
Being very rebellious.
He was, he was in sixth grade and he was, and he just basically,
I was telling him he needed to do is, you know,
I was giving him homework to do and whatever.
And this was pretty, we were pretty new at this.
I think that we'd only been together for maybe.
Two weeks or something.
It was like one or two weeks into the school year.
So we were very new.
And he, and I was telling him you need to do, you know,
what his homework was and, and that.
And, and he was giving me some pushback and I was pushing back and I'm
like, no, this, you know, this is what you need to do.
And did you do it by this time, et cetera.
And then he, he said something to the effect.
I mean, this has been like, this has been 16 years ago.
So I'm trying to remember what he said, but something like, well,
I don't have to obey you because you're not my parent.
I was like, oh, I'm not having that.
So I shut, I shut the God up.
I shut the door.
I came back, I sat down.
Oh, and we had what they call in America, a come to Jesus meeting.
And I laid out exactly how it was going to be, but I didn't,
I didn't get onto him, like,
and make him feel bad about who it is that he was like,
and shame him and use shame as a way of trying to control him or change.
gym and change his perspective. I didn't like shame or condemn him. I was just telling him,
Oh no, no, no. This is exactly how it is. This is who it is that I am. I know exactly who it
is that I am. And this is how it is going to be. You know, I'm going, you know, we're going,
you know, and, and, you know, you can do this. You are really smart. You are very intelligent.
You're going to do that, you know, but I did it from a perspective of knowing my authority.
And I was very firm. So I always call that my come to Jesus meeting. I didn't have any other
problems with him. You just had to know that I knew who I was as opposed to them, as opposed
to me trying to gain control by making him feel small. I didn't lessen him. I just, I just revealed
who it is that I was, that I had that authority, you know, and by the way that I talked to him,
by the way that I conveyed myself, because I had to believe that about myself and then talk from
that perspective. And then as a, you know, and he didn't feel, but I wasn't using, see his teachers
had always used, had always tried to shame him in order to, for them to gain leverage over him.
They had to put him down and I wasn't going to do that. I'm like, no, no, no, this isn't,
I'm not more important in the eyes of God than he is. I just have a particular measure of authority
in this situation with him. I don't have this authority and what it is that he does at home,
but I do have that authority related to what goes on at school. And so anyway, I knew that.
And then I talked to him from that perspective and I disciplined from that perspective. And then,
so once he knew that we were good and then, and I really didn't have, I didn't have support from
his parents. I didn't really have support even from my administration. So it was just based off
of his and my relationship alone that I had any kind of support and I would always just love on
him. And I would always, I always interacted with him. I did this with all my students,
interacted with them is if I expected them to do it, not like I was expecting them to not do it.
And I was always trying to fight them to get to do it. I always, I always looked at them the way
that Jesus would and knew that they were smart, knew that they were intelligent. So I fully
expected them to do it. And I fully expected them to do the homework. I fully expected them to be
able to figure out the problems to, you know, I don't know, to whatever. And, and they, because I
actually believed it would happen. And because I believed that about them, they begin to actually
perform at that level. Now it took them a while, but they would begin to bit because they have to
learn it about themselves. They have to believe it and whatever. And I would have patients with
them while they were, while they were learning, but I wasn't ever trying to convince them to
believe, to believe in themselves, convince them to please do their own work. It was all an
expectation. It was like, no, this is how it is. It's just what we do. And, and that, that really
helps. But again, the whole thing was I, I re just as a case in point. And the reason I'm telling
you all of this is this is how I was able to interact with them in a way that got them to
where I kept discipline without having to discipline. Does that make sense? So that's
why I'm telling you all of this is so that I could actually give like real live examples of like
what I'm talking about, as opposed to just kind of like it being in theory and concept. And then
you're trying to figure out how do you, how does that apply? And, but I was going to tell you
something. I was in the middle of trying to paint a picture of, oh, that's what it was. So for
instance, I knew the importance of memorizing poems and not just in order to convey certain
like ideas that are in the poems and kind of teach them integrity and honesty and stuff through the
content in the poems, but also teaching them how to memorize. And so we had a really long poem that
we were going to memorize. I mean, it was very long. I don't know if you know, if by Rudyard
Kipling, but Rudyard Kipling wrote the jungle book and he wrote a poem called if, and it's like
five paragraphs, it's very long, it's like this long. And so I had the sixth grader memorize it.
And he was terrified because in his perspective, he's thinking, oh no, I'm going to fail.
This is yet something else that I'm being presented with and I'm going to fail. And so he's.
said that at the beginning, he didn't say he was going to fail, but he said,
Oh, I can't do this.
Or I, you know, I there's, I can't, there's no way that I can
memorize this or something like that.
And, and I told him, I said, no, no, no.
I'm for one thing, you're not alone.
Said, I'm not leaving you all by yourself to, to memorize this
thing and to figure it out.
I said, I'm going to memorize it with you while I'd already memorized it.
And I think I told him that, but my point is that said, I'm going to do
it with you said, and you're going to find that it's actually
very easy to memorize things.
I'm actually going to teach you how to memorize it.
And it's very easy.
All you do is you read it every day.
And it was, you read it every day, your body, your mind automatically
starts memorizing it without you having to work really hard at it.
And, um, so anyway, and then I also, and then the fact that I wasn't leaving
him alone to have to learn something and to perform at a specific level in
the class, I was doing it with them.
I was there to help them.
I wasn't like, cause I thought, well, how does, well, I didn't
see it like this back then.
But now I look on it and I'm like, how does God teach us?
He teaches us in a very loving way and he doesn't abandon us
and leave us alone to learn it.
He teaches us, he doesn't expect us to know how to do it.
We've never done it before.
So anyway, um, and then by the end of, I don't know, maybe a month,
he'd had it memorized and he told me, he said, so he memorized
it and he said it from memory.
Cause I said, okay, we're going to put the book down and we're going to,
you know, we'd been working on putting the book down, you know, for like
first, the first paragraph, cause we had that memorized and then the
second paragraph or whatever, and finally we got to the end and he
had the whole thing memorized.
And so I said, okay, we're going to put the book down and we're just
going to, we're just going to.
Uh, uh, quote the poem.
So we did.
And he said, like I said, it'd only been like a month or a month and a half.
And he said, I, and so after he said it, he said, I didn't know
I could do something like that.
It's like, I know you've got to know that this is who you are.
So instead of getting onto him, like, why don't you believe in yourself and
oh, you've got to do this and dah, dah, dah, I had to be the adult.
And be with him.
I had to abandon him in the learning.
I had to like, let him know, Hey, look, you're not alone.
I'm fighting for you.
I believe in you.
You can do this and you're, and I'm going to do it with you, you know, et cetera.
So anyway, that's just one example, but that made a world of difference and it
kept the discipline issues down because it wasn't, I didn't create an environment.
In which it was the, the student against the teacher and the teachers
always telling the students something that they have to do.
And the student is just like, why do I have to do it?
You don't have to do this.
Why do I have to do it?
And you're just an all day every day is just you telling me
some other thing that I have to do.
And so it can kind of create this animosity and like this, this feeling
of like division and separation and the kids can feel very abandoned.
And so anyway, so I thought, okay, well, how can I create that unity?
How can I make him feel like he's not alone?
So he feels safe enough to learn.
And then because he doesn't see me as the enemy, he doesn't see me as this
enemy that has to be fought that just like, oh, well, he's telling me something
to do again, I don't want to do that.
You know, whatever.
So anyway, that's just kind of something that I would build up.
And, and that was helpful.
And I'm trying to think of what else, I mean, it got to the point.
So anyway, what I did is I would focus on building them, him up as, as a person,
always affirming him con like, I would try to think even if he would give me
like a, a wrong answer to something, I would try to figure out how to affirm
some aspect of the answer that he gave and then, and then guide him towards the
right answer as opposed to, you know, or, you know, correct without strictly
coming on to him saying, no, that's not right.
Or, you know, whatever that helped as well, because then he, because then.
Again, my focus was on affirming him as an individual and on his ability to
problem solve and to try to figure something out the fact that he just
attempted, I mean, that took courage, the fact that he attempted to get to
answer correctly, you know, whatever.
Um, I would just affirm all of those things.
And again, that, that those are just, uh, examples of how I was always
choosing the student and affirming their value.
as a person over trying to get something accomplished
and get them to learn something.
And he learned a lot.
He probably learned at least as much as he'd,
I mean, at least as much,
he definitely learned more than he'd ever learned
at any other year of school in his life.
And I bet you that he learned two to three times as much
than he ever had in his life.
And, but he felt the safety and the security
to be able to try.
In other words, I created a learning environment.
In other words, he could try something
and it didn't have to work
and he'd be punished for it not working
or for him not to have figured it out
or for him to have not done it right the first time.
Anyway, so that kind of thing helped.
But anyway, my whole point is,
I was just giving you a specific example
of what I meant when I was saying,
I always chose the value of the person
over what it is that I was trying to help them accomplish.
And that then by focusing on that,
it empowered them to accomplish the thing more.
Because I can't get them to learn.
I can help try to explain it, but I can't get them,
I can't force them to figure it out.
I can't force them to understand it,
to understand the material.
I can't force them to do it correctly.
They're the ones who have the power to do that.
I just have to build up their sense of empowerment
so that they'll actually make the choice as a human being
to learn the thing, to try, to accomplish it.
So anyway, and that,
but the reason that I thought about telling you all that
is that is how I kept discipline down
because they didn't see me as the enemy.
And it also kept them from being bored.
That's another thing that can create discipline issues
is if they're just bored, they don't feel challenged.
Or if they just, like I said earlier,
if they feel insecure.
So if I was just constantly choosing them
over what it is that they were learning,
in other words, affirming them,
then it kept their minds engaged and challenged.
They didn't see me as the enemy
and therefore discipline wasn't an issue.
So anyway, those are the things that I did
and why focusing on me not feeling threatened,
me knowing who it is that I was,
as well as affirming them and who it is that they are
actually got the discipline thing accomplished.
But periodically when they would just like push anyway,
I would just present who it is that I was.
I wouldn't force them and like, no, you have to do this.
And da-da-da-da-da, and I'm the teacher
and you're the student and da-da-da-da.
Cause that just affirms all of this division
and that makes them feel unprotected.
It doesn't make them feel safe enough to learn.
Doesn't make them feel safe enough with us.
So what I had to do is I just had to,
had to discipline from the perspective
of making sure that I wasn't threatened
and that I just stood in that position
of not being threatened by a child's behavior
or a child's view of himself or whatever.
And that really did.
And then I would discipline from that perspective.
I would tell them what I would, you know,
get onto them, so to speak, without shutting them.
Anyway, if any of that's helpful.
Yeah, I think it just is hitting me
because I used to, this hasn't been a problem for me.
So I think it's even just to accept, I don't know.
I just feel, I don't know, just that it's a problem at all,
just gives me little motivation
because it's something that I've always naturally done.
And then now it's not working.
And then, so actually sometimes when I talk to a student
or their teachers and it touches just like
this worthless part of me, just even like,
so, but I think I'm getting what you're saying
and I see things that I can do differently.
But at the same time, I also just feel bad about myself
because I kind of know, or it's kind of just,
I don't know, I think it gets into like hopelessness.
Okay, you could do it right.
Other people can do it right.
But I just can't get this right.
So it just like, it goes back to my identity.
Yeah.
Just.
the makes me or I feel I get my motivation is, I get a little
bit hope that I can, they can I can do it in a different way, or
what I can see the things that I could do differently. But I
think at this moment, even just people other what you're saying,
sometimes my feeling is that it just gets worse. Because you
wouldn't do worse. No. To hear you say that how you did it, and
you have this outcome. For some reason, it just makes me also
feel bad about myself, that I can't do it, or that I can just
it's a different perspective. So yeah, and here's, here's the
thing. Think about remember what I was telling you about between
you and God, if you're struggling to choose God and
believe that he is who he says that he is, try to find
something else to agree with him about. And I said, choose if
you're finding that challenging and choose to believe that you
are who God says that you are and have faith in that. And
choose yourself, own yourself, that kind of thing. It's the
same thing in this. If I choose, you know how I said, choose the
students over what they're learning, choose to value them
and affirm them and pour into them as people more than trying
to get them to learn something. Yeah, you definitely focus on
the learning thing. It's just that you value the other even
more. So you're approaching the learning by affirming who they
are and helping and empowering them to learn, to learn, and
then guiding them in it as opposed to forcing them to
learn or something like that. So just like that, what the what
the students need even more than that is they need you to be
secure in yourself. So choose you. So if you your students
need you, but if you're not giving you then the students
don't have what it is that they need in order to learn.
And I think that's what this is like, just revealing is my own
insecurities. And that just makes me feel hopeless.
So that's what I'm saying is, if you're like, Oh, see, I'm not
doing that. So exactly. Now choose you. So just like it
between you and the Lord, how I was saying, you know, choose
you own yourself, etc. It's, it's not only affecting your
relationship with the Lord, you know, it's also affecting your
relationship with your classroom and how to how to
like operate in your classroom, etc. So here's my point, choose
you and your value, and who it is that you are in the Lord. And
the fact that of all of the teachers, God is the one who
said, I want you to be the one that is with these students this
year in this subject at this time in their lives, because he
knows what's going on in their lives right now. And, and, and
so, and he's, you're the one that he wanted. So, so own, so
recognize the value that God declares that you are, and that
he declares you to be and present that own yourself, so
that and bring yourself to the classroom. In a manner of
speaking, here's what I'm saying, choose the students over
them learning, and then choose yourself over the students. I'm
not saying, I mean, I'm not trying to, I'm not being
contradictory to what God says in the Bible, where he says we
need to love others as ourselves, and we need to love
others more than ourselves, and that kind of thing. I'm not
saying you need to elevate yourself above your students and
love yourself more than your students. I don't mean that. But
what I'm saying is that God that come into agreement with what
God is declaring to you that, that he says that you are, and
then that will give the students what they need, because
they need you. So in a manner of speaking, think of how hard it
is being for you to choose yourself, and for you to feel
good about yourself. And you know, because you're saying, Oh,
I feel bad, I used to be able to accomplish these kinds of things.
I used to be able to discipline, it used to always work. This is
who I was known as, and now I can't do it. In the face of
that, choose that that doesn't affirm to you who you are, God
does. And that's hard. Because it's easier for us to look at
what we can accomplish and use that to affirm us that we are
that we are what we want, what we wish that we were, right? And
God's like, no, no, in the very face of what appears like
opposite evidence, like the fact that those things
aren't working now, you know, the things that used to work, you know, it's no longer working.
So in other words, it feels like the very opposite is true. I think that you, you know,
were who God says that you were and that you did a good job and that you were, I don't know,
I'm just going to throw out words. You were important. You were significant. You could do
the stuff. And then now that that's not happening, you think the opposite about yourself. You're
like, Oh, see, I'm not who I thought that I was. I'm not important. I can't get it to work. I did
God's like exactly right there where you think that all the evidence is pointing to the fact
that you're not who you, you guys say that you are choose that you are who I say that you are
strictly because I said it because there's no evidence. I mean, I see evidence, but my point
is you don't see the evidence. So in not seeing the evidence, choose in blind faith, something
about something that God said, even though you can't see it, that's, this is how hard it is.
This is why God says, and talk so much about faith is because faith is what we choose in these types
of situations where it's like, there's no evidence. There's no proof. That's not logical. I
don't feel it. God says, choose it anyway. When you bring yourself to the classroom and you choose
to bring the person that God says that you are, you choose it for yourself first,
because you won't be able to convince yourself of it. You just, no, you just have to choose it.
You have to choose that. It's true out of your own will, out of basically your own willpower.
I choose that. This is actually, it's not willpower. Really. It's just making a decision.
It's like, okay, I'm making this decision, even though it doesn't feel right. And even though it
doesn't sound logical, I'm just going to choose it anyway, because God said, so when you do that,
you will bring your real and true self to the classroom. And that's who God put to impact those
students. So the students aren't being impacted in the way that they need to. If you're the one
that's missing, because you are the one that God said would bring the impact to the students.
And if you're not coming, then they can't get that impact. So it sounds, it sounds selfish and all
that. Well, why don't I'm choosing myself or the students? No, no, no. It's actually think about
how hard all of this is for you to do, you know, like, oh my goodness, choose that I am who God
says that I am, even though God, even though I'm not feeling it and whatever, but you're doing it
not only for God to have faith in the Lord, but that is a self sacrifice for those students.
That's how you're dying to sell that they might live because they need you. And you're going to
have to do all the hard work to bring yourself because you don't want to, it didn't feel good.
You feel bad about yourself. So to get over feeling bad about yourself by actually believing
what God says about you is, is hard, but you're doing it for the students. So you're sacrificing
yourself, giving yourself, doing the hard work, dying to self because, because they need you.
That's, that's doing what Jesus did. It's sacrificing yourself for others. So that's
why it's not selfish. That's why it's not wrong. You're not choosing yourself as if you're more
important than, than the students. All I mean is that you first focus on your faith on, on having
faith in something God said. And one of the things that he said is who you are, and then you be that
to the students and that will give the students what it is that they need to succeed, to learn
Chinese to the best of their ability, to feel good about themselves, to feel, to gain security and
confidence in themselves, gain self-esteem, all those things. That's the majority of what my
students learned from me. It wasn't, I mean, yeah, they learned so much in academics and all that.
Like I said, they probably learned two to three times the amount than they've ever learned in
school before in just in that one year, but more than that. And I watched, and I know this because
I watched them, especially this one student years later, and I saw the results of pouring into him.
And all these years later, he now thinks he can do all kinds of things. Well, he didn't, it looks
great, but he does now. And so, and no, it's not just, it's not just related to me. He had other
people pouring into him as well. I'm just saying that I watched that whole shift in sixth, a huge
shift in sixth grade. And it's because I just focused on, on the fact that, you know, on
affirming him, et cetera, but I had to give of myself in order for him to have what he needed.
But what about the thing underneath that, which is, I told, I agree.
agree with what you're saying. And I think that's right. What
about the lack of motivation in this? Because that also plays
into it. Because when I was a teacher for seven years, I was
so motivated. And I felt it was like a calling I felt like, but
this time, it almost feels a little bit like chance. And I
should have been somewhere else. And I'm not motivated. So it's
because I would do everything for the kids seven, nine years
ago. Because that I just knew that's what I was supposed to
do. And I just love them. And it was all natural. Yeah. But this
time around from it, for me, it sounds like you were really
motivated that year, too. Like you were driven, right? Or not?
No, no. And I just feel like I don't I don't even have the will
to do this. Yeah, I am. But God has, like you said, he has
placed me in this in these classes for such a time as this.
And I have peace about it. I don't think I should have been
somewhere else. It's just that.
Yeah, no, I didn't want to be a teacher. But I had to be a
teacher because it was the only job I could find after college,
I had been looking for a job for, I don't know, very heavily
for three months. But longer than that, I've been looking for
a job since before I graduated college. And, and so I don't
know, for six, seven months, I had been searching for a job,
and I couldn't find one. So I had to take a teaching job. And
that was the last thing I wanted to do. And, in fact, I was I
started to be to I had a teaching major for two, two and
a half years. And I changed it two and a half years in and
graduated with something else because I didn't want to be a
teacher anymore. And anyway, so I in fact, I was very resentful
of the fact that I got a teaching job because I couldn't
get anything else. So I didn't want that. I was getting over
mono. Are you familiar with mononucleosis? It's a yes.
Yeah. So I was getting over mono. In fact, I was getting
over my second bound of bout of mono in six months. I had mono
twice in six months because I was worn out. So I was getting
over that I and I had, so it's definitely not in life where I
wanted to be. I had to move back in with my parents because I
couldn't afford to live on my own. And I, I was going through
very severe depression. And to the point where so you remember
me taught telling you my testimony, you know, about my
this was smack dab in the middle of it. I was four years into my
depression by this point. And, and the problem was, I didn't
know that I was depressed. And so I just thought, why is life
so hard? Well, I wasn't just depressed, I was very badly
depressed. I would also have anxiety attacks in school, like
in other words with my student. Now, I did never have them in
front of him. But he would like go to the bathroom or whatever,
and I'd have an anxiety attack, and I would start hyper
ventilating. So yeah, life was not good then. And I also
wasn't being supported by my, by the administration by the by
the, the leaders, because I have was a, I was a private teacher.
So I didn't teach like a classroom of 20 students, I
usually taught one student at a time, every now and then I'd
have two or three students that I would be tutoring, and I would
be tutoring them in their different subjects. And then
while one of them was working on something, I would talk to the
other student and then help them with it and whatever. But mostly
it was just one on one. Um, but, but yeah, I was it was not a
good time in my life. It was absolutely miserable. That year
was so miserable. I did not want to be there. But what I did is I
did. I chose Okay, God, if you put if I'm here, then and I'm
where I don't want to be. But I am with a human being. And he
needs me. In other words, he needs he's, he needs to be
loved on. He needs to know that he's important. So I will be the
one that he'll be important to, I'll be the one that loves him.
So if he doesn't have other people in his life that are
loving him in the way that God needs him to, if he's not being
taken care of, if he's not being sacrificed for if he's not being
shown that he's important, then Lord, he'll be important to me.
And by that, I don't mean and here's the huge difference that
it makes, you know, in having relationships with people. And
you know, when I talk in, in that session called governing
creation and relationships, this is what makes all the difference
is
You don't just think, Oh, I want that for the other person. So how do I get them to believe
that that won't work? I just won't. If we want something for the other person, we have to give
it them, give it. We have, how, how would you word that? We have to give it to them ourselves.
So say for instance, if we want someone else to be loved, we don't need to try to help them feel
loved. We need to love them. In other words, we are what is required. If we want something
for us, for someone else, we are what is required. We are required to give it to them. If we want
someone to not feel abandoned, we have to not abandon them. If we want someone else to feel
and experience a life of love, we can't convince them of them, convince them of it and help them
to believe it and, and try to do things so that they'll feel it. God's like, no, no, no. It actually
requires you to love them, not just love on them, but actually love them because sometimes the
loving on them creates a bit of distance. Does that make sense? It's like, okay, well, I can keep
myself from being affected by you and just like, give you all of this stuff, like do these things
for you. That'll make you feel loved by you. These things try to convince you just so that I can
change how you feel, or I can exchange, change the life experience that you have, but I don't
want to have to love you because you're hard to love. You know what I mean? Sometimes we think,
oh, well, this person's unlovable, this whatever. And God's like, no, if you want them to feel loved,
if you want them to be valuable, you have to value them. You have to love them. You have to,
you have to do the thing that you want them to experience. Like, in other words, you want them
to feel loved. You want them to not feel abandoned. You want them to whatever, then you can't abandon
them. You have, you yourself have to actually be the one from whom they receive love. Not that
convinces them that they're loved. You have to actually experientially love them. So anyway,
that makes all the difference in the world in that relationship. So when you're talking about
like motivation or whatever, what I did is I'm like, okay, God, I am not where I want to be.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. And, but because I chose instead,
because I chose the child, okay. You know, this child's important to the Lord. So that is who I'm
going to choose. I'm not going to choose me here at work doing a good job. I chose the child over
me doing a good job. I chose the child over me feeling like I accomplished something or that
everyone thought that I was doing a good job or that my administration liked how I was handling
it or anything I had to choose the child over it. And that made all the difference. So that was my
motivation was me having to intentionally choose the child, not me meaning like, and I don't mean
that to sound the opposite of what I told you before. No, no, no. Yeah. I don't mean it like
that. I just mean like, uh, in fact, like I didn't feel motivated. I, I, I couldn't use myself in
what I was trying to, trying to give myself of security or for me to feel loved or for me to feel
safe or for me to feel protected. I chose to give it to them instead of me choosing to choosing to,
to, to, as the motive is trying to get it for myself being the motivation of why I was doing
stuff. Does that make sense? So that made all the difference in that shifted everything. So
I was motivated to go to work because I would be motivated to, for the, I, the child was my
motivation. It wasn't the fact that I wanted to be there. It wasn't the fact that I was trying to
like do a good job and to get him to learn X, Y, and Z. My motivation was that, that, that the child
would be valued, um, and loved on and loved the way that God says that he was. So in other words,
that he, that I would give him an experience, whether or not he felt it, I would give him the
experience of living out what God says about him. God says he's valuable. God says he's loved.
So I would give him that experience now, whether or not he felt it, that was up to him,
but I would give him, I would create that experience in that environment for him.
says is true, I would provide that for him. God says he's loved, so I would love him.
God says that he's valuable, so I will value him. Not know that God says he's valuable. No,
I had to value him. I had to see him as important. So that motivated me to go to work every day
because the other stuff wasn't important enough to me because I wanted to do something else.
I wanted to work in a corporate high-rise building job where I was a teacher. So this
was not what I wanted for me. But if this is where God had me, I had to choose the child was my
motivation. But I had to intentionally choose it because... But isn't it these kind of things that
made you feel and also makes me feel, you know, the part where we feel like God used us because
of our abilities. Like even before you knew about rest and even with me, before I'm learning about
rest, I've learned so many years to walk in faith and to live in faith. And I've seen so many
amazing things in my life, but it just ended up making me feel used by God. And then it turns
into hatred because you just created me to use me. And for everyone else to think,
oh, these amazing things happen around Renata. And like she's walking in faith. She's seeing
all these miracles. There are all so many things going on, but I kind of disappear in it.
Yeah. Yeah. Me between you and God.
So I think I'm a little bit cautious of that too because that's what I'm trying to get out of
this thing of me walking in faith and seeing things happen, but not feeling used afterwards.
Yes. So you know what I'm glad that you mentioned that. Yes. No, I'm glad that you mentioned that.
So the difference is how you're approaching it. If you approach it from this perspective that
I don't want to do this, but God is it's, um, I'm trying to accomplish something for God.
Yeah. You feel used, but it's like, no, no, no. This person you're trying to actually live out
truth. So for instance, God says that person is valuable. So you're going to value them.
God says that person is loved. So you're going to love them. You're actually living out the
truth that God spoke as opposed to, I don't want to do this, but God, God is putting me in a place
for me to accomplish something for him. I'm not important. Something else. It's only what I do.
That's important. If, if, if it's, if the, if, um, if you view it from that, that perspective,
yes, you definitely feel used, but that's again, why I said that what it is, for instance, when I
say that you have to, that God, uh, to, to love them and to value them and not just try to convince
them. The only way that you can love them. And the only way that you can value them is if you
yourself stand in who it is that God says that you are. God says that you are loved. God says
that you are protected. You have to choose yourself between you and God, meaning like
you just got it. So you have to love and value yourself before you can truly love and value
someone else. So if you want something for someone else, and if you need to give something
to someone else, like love or value or whatever, you have to give it to yourself first. So if God
says, we're not a, you were loved. You receive that love from God, receive that value from him
because he's trying to love on you. So you actually have to receive it so that you have
something to then give the child. So it does all start, you know, with you again, going back to
that whole thing of like, you choose, you choose the kids over, over that, what they're learning,
but then you choose yourself over the kids. And the reason that you choose yourself first is you
have to make sure that you're receiving from the Lord, meaning like that you're not rejecting it
because God's giving it, make sure that you don't not reject it and receive from the Lord, what he
gives you for you so that you then have it to give to the kids. Does that make sense? Yes. Yeah.
That's how you don't. I totally agree with what you're saying. And it's just that stories like
this, I have like in myself, I have remembrance of kind of resistance against God.
When you see great things happen because of faith, but you don't feel loved and then you feel used.
correct but that's what i'm so i just don't want to go back there to do all the right things
or to do what i know is the and without and come out on the other side and feel like god hates me
and i see all these amazing things happening around me but i feel that i've just been used
correct but what i think i haven't done in the other times where i've seen amazing things happen
when walking in faith is that i haven't been receiving his love there you go that's that's
the end that's just what happens like myself higher i've put myself lower but i've still
had the outcome and like you said like when you talk like with the tree and the knowledge of good
and evil i've seen a lot of like amazing things happen but it's been from the tree of knowledge
of good and evil and then you feel abandoned and alone and even hated by god even though you see
amazing because it's such a contrast in your life you're seeing these amazing things that
couldn't have happened without god and without faith and then you yourself feel horrible yeah
and you're just a pond in the puzzle like he uses you as a pond and that's what you're meant
for your whole life is to be used as a pond in this huge game correct it becomes like a game
yeah that's exactly that's exactly where i'm so excited look at that ah this is wonderful
what i try to do is i try to help everyone understand things to the point where they can
own it for themselves so that basically i try to work myself out of a job so that people don't need
me in order to understand and know how to apply things in various situations they they understand
the concept enough about faith and rest that and it's very simple and so if you just learn that
simple principle and understand how to approach how to approach all of these complicated worldly
issues from the very simple perspective everyone can figure it out for themselves and they don't
need me they don't need the rest intensive anymore they don't need the rest lifestyle
this is it but yes so that's what i was going to say it was like if you hadn't gotten to that
conclusion was that like yes but in the past you'd use the wrong route yeah this time you've got to
go back to that route and that's why i talk about the fact that i always go i start with love and
and one first love and union first it's because that is what we always have to go back to so think
we're like at least eight weeks in right and what are we still talking about we're going back to
yeah but all right do you believe that god do you receive the fact that god loves you to the degree
that he says that he does you know and the same thing about how unified are you with the lord
you're not abandoned you're not unprotected you know etc everything every issue that we deal with
always goes back to we're not agreeing with or believing that we are loved and unified with god
to the degree he says that we does that's what we always have to go back to so excellent it's hard
it is very very challenging but in a way it's simple so it's hard but it is simple it's like
okay god says that he loves me so i have to choose it i don't feel it and that's why all
of these other issues are going wrong in my life it's like okay so very simply god loves me to the
degree he says he does and i'm unified with him to the degree he says i'm unified and i need to
choose it because i don't feel it i don't feel it and it doesn't and i don't see how it's possible
i'm looking at all the things in my life and it doesn't seem to be affirming it but god said and
so you choose it because god said you know it's similar to uh peter when he was um uh when he was
fishing all night remember he was he was working really hard he was fishing all night caught no
fish and then the next day he jesus came onto the boat you know borrowed his boat so he could speak
to the people and then he said hey throw your fit throw your net over the side of the boat
and peter's like master i know what i'm doing i'm a fisherman professionally i've done this all
night and it hasn't worked and jesus said do it again and so peter said okay i will do it simply
because you said so master because you said i will do it and so this and so this time he got
a different result than he'd gotten last time you know remember just like what you were saying yeah
but last time because this time what he's doing is he's not doing it based on his own effort
he's doing it based on the fact that god said in other words he's doing it on god's word he's
doing and that's what we have faith in we're having faith that god is who he says that he is
and and then and so jesus was like hey do this and so peter said i will do it based on your word
and then he got a different result anyway that's what creates different results
yeah but do you have anything else before we go yes well
Well, I don't know how much time we have, but I wanted to, just two things.
And, um, the one thing is in the relationship with a guy that I really
like and that rejected me, um, I kind of find that hard to be in.
Um, and on Sunday, uh, we, um, I felt like God wanted me to go through it,
to not leave the church, to go through it, even though he's the worship leader
and he speaks and everything.
And I told you, I came to the service and I felt I could receive his worship.
I could receive who he was.
So this Sunday we had the first talk in half a year.
We haven't had any talk.
I've just been gone from the church until I felt like God told me to go through it.
And then I've just been there and just, we've smiled and said hi and
everything, but not like, so now.
I don't know.
So what I felt, so after that, I've been a bit of a emotional turmoil
again, because I talked to him and I realized that maybe all these things
that I was addressing in his life, maybe hasn't really sunk in.
So I think that rattled me a little bit because all the things that I went
through and it hasn't really, he hasn't really understood what I was trying to
tell him, or maybe it's not, he's not supposed to get that out of it.
But then I did it again.
And one of the, is the way his relationship with women, that people,
women get really hopes from him.
It seems like he has, doesn't have a lot of boundaries maybe.
So people fall, women fall in love with him and it's like a pattern.
So I was addressing it again in his life and he said, oh, so it seems because
he's like, yeah, I just thought that this is what happened when you have
girlfriends, that sometimes this happens.
And he said, but after I talked to him and I addressed it again, he said like,
oh, so it seems to me like I thought it's about this like surface, but now
I'm listening to you, it feels like it's this, this is what's going on.
And he said, I need to think about it, like what you said.
And, but for some reason that it just has really stirred me up and I was
pretty clear in addressing things and kind of saying that I don't think it's
just boy me hanging out with girl.
I think it's deeper issues.
Like I had a sense, what are you looking for in me?
Like, why do you have more girlfriends than guy friends?
What are you finding?
But, and I told him the story of myself being young and having lots of guy
friends, and then also, of course someone would fall in love with me and I would
fall in love with them and it would be like mess.
And then I realized that God spoke to me that, I was looking for my identity and
security and father figure and safety and a lot of things that I needed to find in
him and also in healthy girlfriends that are, well, of course it's different.
So I was sharing that with him and he said that he really needed to think about it.
But when it comes to rejection, I can tell because I really loved this guy and I
really hoped that I would marry him.
And I've never thought that about anyone before.
And I've had boyfriends that I didn't think I would marry necessarily, or I
wasn't sure, but this guy has been really special to me and he also
invited me back into worship.
So I think it just rattled my emotions just, okay, now we had this talk again.
There's a lot of things he hasn't seen about himself, but I'm addressing it again.
And he says that this time he will go deeper and try to understand what actually
is the reason why he ends up in relationship with hurting girls.
Sorry.
And also should I go back to worship again?
Because I still am in love with him in a way, or I'm not over him.
And also part of me see that I can really speak into his life and he's
allowing me to speak into his life and I can see that he needs it, that he
doesn't do it on his own, but then I don't know if that's very healthy to go
into that since I have feelings for him.
And so I see that I can speak into his life and he's welcoming it, but
he doesn't have feelings for me.
He doesn't want to marry me.
So how should I relate to him?
Should I go into worship or should I continue to speak into his life because
I see that it's needed and not that many other people are doing it, but then I
can potentially hurt myself because what I really want is a relationship with
him and I'm not getting that.
So would I go in and get false hopes because he is, and he doesn't have that
strict.
He's like, when I told him that I couldn't hang out with him anymore, he got shook.
He was like shaken and rattled, but more like in the, oh my gosh, I can't talk to women anymore,
or I need to change my behavior. He didn't go to the deeper layer and ask what's going on
and why what's in me that triggers this response, or what am I seeking in her that makes her feel
like I'm interested when I'm not. So he just dealt with it in this layer, like I need to change my
behavior while I'm, and he's not going to the deeper layer of what's going on inside of him.
So only thing that God showed me was in August that I need to go through it.
And now after Sunday, I don't know how to proceed now that I got all this new information where he's
at. And also I see there's lots of things I could address in the worship and in my role in worship
and us leading worship together, that there are things that I could address and speak into his
life there, but I just don't know if it's healthy. And also, I guess I feel a bit threatened in that
relationship because I am in love and have feelings for him still. So it's not like going in and
helping a brother where you get, like, the boundaries are very clear. You've been friends
for a long time. You know, it's very safe. It's not like a safe place. So I was like, I don't even
know what I'm asking you about. Maybe I just wanted to share it, that that's like, yeah.
Something you're thinking about. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, well, you know, did you have a question about it or did you just decide,
just wanted to like share it?
If you have any thoughts coming up when I'm sharing, is there anything you're like,
if you don't, that's fine.
Well, a few different things. One is as interesting of a perspective as this might be,
you speaking into his life is a, it's from the, from the viewpoint of God and how he values things.
It's a very precious thing. And it would be a, it would be a privilege for him.
Here's the thing though. I don't believe that. I mean, usually, you know, how to put that.
That I talked to I don't remember if it was on a rest group or on a fireside chat, maybe it was
the fireside chat on Thursday that someone asked a question. I think it was it was Kate. I believe
he was talking about, he was asking question. What do I do when you run into such and such
a situation? Oh, maybe it was like a couple of Sundays ago for a rest group. Anyway, it was
about, you know, well, what do we do when we when we see something that needs to be,
when we see a problem in somebody else's life, or we're wanting to protect someone from something.
And what do we do? And I said, well, it depends on the authority that you have in their life.
Do you have, it has God given you the place in that person's life and the authority to carry
and to, to, in other words, to address or to deal with something? And so has that been given to
you? Because if not, as much as we do something, because we love someone else, or we want to,
you know, because Oh, well, I just love him as a as just as a brother. And I'm wanting him
his life to be better and happier and healthier. And I'm seeing this problem. So even if we can't
get back together, I, I want him to at least know this about himself and be able to have,
have a healthier life. Or you give you it from the perspective of, well, I really hope this
area of his life gets fixed, so that any obstacle between us can be removed, whichever, whichever
approach that we might make to a situation, even if it's just like, oh, just him as a brother,
you know, I just want him to know these things. And it we, our relationship with them may not be
at the place that gives us the authority to speak that degree of intimacy into their lives.
Like, for instance, so just because you know, you've known him doesn't mean Oh,
sorry, just just because you've known him, just because we know people or have had history with
them doesn't mean that we have the place in their life given to us by
God to speak certain things into their, into their lives. Now, maybe you used to, and maybe
you don't anymore kind of a thing. I don't mean that they don't necessarily allow you to,
they might allow you to, in fact, they might ask you to, but has God given it to you?
Is it healthy? Or has God, or has God drawn a bit of a, um, uh, a boundary or a, uh, I don't
mean a separation, but kind of like a boundary between the two of y'all of like, well, no,
that kind of talk is intimate and it is a, it's special and it's a blessing and it's a privilege.
And this person, I'm not saying this about this person. I'm just like throwing out ideas
for you to talk about the word. Maybe that person hasn't, um, because of what they're
not willing to offer up themselves to you. Do they, uh, Oh, what's the word? Um, maybe they
are not appropriately, um, holding the, holding the place for you. How, how'd you, Oh man,
I know what I'm trying to say. Um, uh, like basically, are you giving more to them than
they're giving to you of love and care and offering of yourself, even in love or whatever.
And it's unbalanced because, because a man generally speaking needs to offer more of that
than a woman, especially initiatingly until they're providing and until they're willing
to sacrifice themselves. Remember Ephesians six about a man needs to love his wife to the,
to his own, to the, to like more than his own life. And if he's not willing to offer that
a woman, um, then before, because if he's willing to offer that, then when a woman accepts that
accepts the position under that covering that authority, that willing for him to sacrifice for
her, whatever, then a husband and wife will go through seasons in which sometimes the wife is
carrying more than the husband. Cause the husband's just going through a difficult season, a difficult
time, but that's the, but they it's been established. Their relationship has been established
on the fact that he's providing her covering. He's willing to sacrifice for, he's just going
through a hard time. So the woman starts carrying a bit more of the load in certain seasons of the
marriage, just because maybe he's going through depression, whatever, but that's different than,
because that is the, the relationship has been established because the guy offered it first
and she is providing all of that, all of that nurturing and whatever underneath still his
covering protection, his initiation. But what, what we as women have a tendency to do, because
that's the helper we want to help, want to help. We want to nurture, but that was a privilege that
a man, and I don't mean this in a, in a working in a stressful way, but that a man has to earn
that privilege of us providing that for him by him being willing to sacrifice for us.
But if he is not providing that covering and we're trying to provide all of this nurturing,
everything in the relationship is out of balance. So good. Does that make sense? Yeah, this is so
good, Ashley. Yeah. So what you're doing, I think that's like, I kind of want to help him,
but he hasn't really asked for the help. He's just very open if I'm there.
Yeah. But even if he's asked for it, is he willing to provide for you what, what you need
in order to be able to support him or, you know, in a godly balanced relationship, or is he like a
little boy meeting a mom, even though he acts like a man in this area, is he a little boy of
like, no, no, I want your insight. I want whatever he wants. What did a man sometimes wants what a
woman can give him without, as long as it doesn't require any responsibility on his part to emotionally
be responsible for her. And God wants the emotional, but he doesn't want to do the commitment.
Correct. Yeah. And be angry at him because I'm giving and giving and he's not committing,
even if it's in a friendship. Correct. And so the situation that you're in is honestly very,
very, very common is in because women want to provide this for men, because that's our,
that's our wiring. And a man doesn't want to provide responsibility unless he has to.
That's part of the reason I know it's totally different scenario, but you know, like why buy
the cow if you can get the milk for free. And I know that that's usually referring to a sexual
type of a situation, but even in this case, yeah, why would you, why would he want to
do that?
If he could get a best friend in me and me asking him all the good questions and listening
to him and speaking to his life, like why would he ever commit to me or any other woman?
Correct.
And then from his girlfriends, like girlfriends.
Yeah.
And sometimes women are okay with the situation like that, Oh, as long as we can be best friends
or whatever.
No, no, no.
I'm not.
Because women want the connection that they're willing to hold out hope that maybe the connection
will build up.
That's what he said.
He said that most women have wanted this.
So I've told him.
So he says like, I have been backing off the last six months because of our relationship.
And I said, good, that's been really, really good and healthy.
And now I'm safer with you.
I know where our boundaries are.
And he was really surprised.
He's like, that's weird.
Most women usually want the other thing.
They want the me to validate them and confirm and kind of meet them in their emotions.
And he's like, but you want this.
You don't want me to give you all this attention.
And I said, so he said that that was weird to him.
And I said, yes, that doesn't feel safe when you give me all these.
If you should.
Yeah.
So anyway, in case that's in case that's helpful.
So just think of it in this perspective of, um, that you're so value you according to
what, who God says that, uh, according to what God says that, um, according to how God
says that you are valuable.
So value you like that.
And so he has to, this other guy has to value you like that in order to be able to receive
the benefit of, of you sacrificing yourself through nurturing, or you pouring into, or
you speaking into his life or whatever.
That's a privilege that he's supposed to cover you before he gets that so to speak.
I mean, there's an, yeah, the book is so good anyway, but honor what it is that, that you
are offering of yourself to him, because it means that that's a good thing that got placed
in you, that you are willing to do, but you just, just do it though, with the people that
are willing to, that are, that, um, uh, that, uh, are treating, uh, that are emotionally
being responsible to God for you, for you to allow you to do that.
You know, uh, does that make sense?
Yeah.
In other words, make sure that it's a healthy two-way street before you do that.
There are certain people, especially certain women or children that we do offer more of
ourselves to than they're offering to us.
I'm not saying that I'm talking about a guy, girl relationship, very specifically in a
case of like anything potentially romantic that, you know, he has to come in and provide
that covering, you know, before you, so any, but before he gets the privilege of you pouring
into him, because basically you're offering is sacrificially for him while he's not willing
to sacrifice for you.
And it's very backwards because he's supposed to do it first.
He's supposed to provide you the environment for you to nurture, and he's not creating
an environment for you to nurture.
So, but it's not, I mean, and we don't want to get onto him and say, oh, that's just that
both of y'all are acting, so to speak, you know, appropriately, it just doesn't mesh
together.
You know, like you're nurturing has a specific environment it needs to come into in order
to be allowed to operate, because it's very good, but he's just not providing the environment
that yours is needing and vice versa.
So I'm going to end up being mad at him.
That actually might be healthy, just because even though we don't think of that as being
healthy or whatever, there's, there's some way in which there, there it's, it just kind
of allows you to go through, like, to process through something with the Lord.
And yeah, anyway, so.
Thank you so much.
That was so helpful.
Yes, that was so good.
Yeah.
I just felt like I'm going to open the door because it's, it's hot.
Go ahead.
Yeah, I just felt like that just shone a light on that.
I felt like you just prevented me from going into something that I think I would have regretted.
Yeah.
You just like shone a light on like, this is my emotional needs and I want to give to
him because I'm interested, but actually he has never provided commitment or what will
make me feel safe.
will do it if I do it and not feeling safe. And then after a
while, it will turn into resentment, because why isn't he
providing? And I'm giving and giving? And why is he not, you
know, and then as long as he hasn't done that, I think I
should be, I can be around him and be casual and friendly. But
I don't think we should go into the speak into his life or
nurture or meet his needs.
Even if he asks for it, because he's not providing for the for
the whatever. Yeah. And for the environment for you to do that
to receive the privilege of you doing that. Yeah, there was
something else. But yeah, good. I'm glad that that's helpful.
But what was the last thing was that I watched your video about
losing weight. And I that really touched me. I thought I'm going
to watch it again. Because I've long story short, I've gone up
and down and wait for several years. And I lost lots of weight
and gained some lost and gained some and you know, the whole
story, you shared your story about that, too. And I've come
to a point where I'm not like, I'm not overweight in any way.
But and I've come to a point where I feel hopeless, like
I've done everything in the book, I've worked out, I've had
eating, really, really strict with eating. And then what spoke
to me, and then I think and I worked out tons. So then this
May, I told you this summer, I was burnt out. And I stopped
working out and stopped eating the best way that I could. And I
think since then, I've just been living in hopelessness with it.
And kind of thinking that I'm putting on weight, I can feel it
that I don't feel I'm hopeless. I've tried these different
things. It's gone up and down for 10 years, and it's working,
not working. And I can't I know what it requires physically to
do, and I can't do it. And I don't have I don't believe it's
going to happen. So why start so last year, I worked out a lot,
and was pretty strict, and I didn't lose any weight. So then
I'm like, I need to do a harder effort than I did last year. And
I barely made it last year. And now I'm not motivated. So and I
didn't even lose weight. So then I thought, Oh, my gosh,
you're talking about this, that it's possible to have hope in
this. And maybe it's possible to lose without putting the really
strict rules on me that I've lived under. Yeah, that I'm
still living under, like I'm living partly under rules,
partly under hopelessness, like, I'm not Bob's, I'm not going to
work out anymore, because I don't have motivation. But I
still try to eat very little or not too much and watch what I
eat. But it's, it's, I feel like I'm a bit bound by it. And that
I don't I thought that the reason why I'm holding on, like
I've had a lot of stress and anxiety in my life. And I
thought sometimes that I think I have a lot like I heard
professionals tell me that fear sits in the stomach, the feeling
of fear. So I thought that, and that is where I'm gaining weight
is in my stomach around my waist. Fascinating thought that
I think I'm holding on to something like it's fear,
anxiety, and maybe in holding on to the fact so that I'm not
releasing it. And then I'm putting on rules how to eat and
how to work out. And what happens is that I stopped
breathing. And what I thought when I watched your video was
like, I just need to start breathing. Because I don't
breathe from my stomach because you get this like, I just need
to hold my stomach in so no one sees that I put on weight there
or that I shouldn't have in that area.
Yeah. And then also you notice what I was talking about with
the in the losing weight that to love and accept your body just
the way that it is without requiring it without emotionally
requiring it to change. We can tell our body and tell ourselves
all we want. Oh, no, I don't require you to change. But then
we can get really upset at it that it's gaining weight when we
eat certain things, and it's not losing it. Well, then it doesn't
feel accepted. And so we have to fully accept it for what it is
where it is without emotionally putting any kind of restrictions
on it about how it acts. And then it will feel safe enough to
start dropping it. It needs to feel safe with us. Does that
make sense? Hmm. Yeah, so we need to love and accept our body
exactly where it is without requiring it ever to change in
our life. It needs to be fully accepted by us. Like we like our
body. It's not the enemy. It's not. We don't get on to it. We
we I don't know, we just love it. We value it. We we honor it.
We appreciate everything it's doing for us. You know, we and
we appreciate the fact that it has been gaining weight because
it's been trying to protect us with, you know, that kind of a
thing.
It's not that we like it, we appreciate what it's trying to do in order to protect us,
and then it will feel safe enough to start being healthier, to start dropping the weight,
because if you're providing its protection and its safety, it no longer feels the need to try
to work hard to protect itself. So it can shift back into its default state, which is to be
healthy, which is to be at a healthy weight instead of having extra, etc. That's really
the big thing, is to accept your body exactly where it is, without requiring it to change,
and then you'll watch it start to drop it. And then you exercise because it's what you want to do,
it's what you are giving to yourself, not because you're not satisfied with your body,
you're not pleased with your body, you're mad at your body and you're trying to fix it,
then the exercise won't work. If it works, you will have to probably exercise, I don't know,
one and a half, if not two times harder, in order to lose the same amount of weight,
than you would if you just loved and accepted your body. So in the same thing with like eating
or whatever, so you eat according to what it is that you desire, the kind of life that you want
to give yourself, as opposed to you being upset at your body and trying to react a particular way
when you eat these things, and to not act a particular way or get upset that it's acting
a particular way when you eat these things, then it's making your body the enemy. So you have to
stop seeing your body as the enemy and love and accept it for what it is. That's what makes the
difference. So does that make sense? Okay. Yeah. It's a really big shift, but it makes all the
difference in the world. And I've had, um, and so it, it made all the difference in the world for,
for my health and, um, it has for other people's as well. This one person in particular that I
gave the testimony of, and that said that she, um, uh, that she lost weight, um, while she was
pregnant, she lost a lot or, or at least part of the time while she was pregnant, she, she lost this
weight. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. So it's while she was pregnant that she finally started losing weight
while she was pregnant, she started losing the weight because she finally started loving and
accepting her body as it was. So obviously you can't diet and exercise the same way when you're
pregnant as you can when you're not pregnant. And she's finally, and so she was dieting and she was
exercising so really hard before she got pregnant. And then after she was pregnant, she wasn't able
to do it to the same degree. And that's when she started losing weight because she just chose
instead to approach it from this perspective of 11, except my body, what it is as it is.
And I don't know how many months it took her, but, um, uh, like, uh, but she said while she
was pregnant and then a little bit after, like, she told me this testimony, maybe like two or
three months after she had the baby, she said, Ashley in total, I've lost 31 pounds.
She said, and I started that while I was pregnant. And she said, it's because I was shifting into
rest. I was just choosing to love my body instead of treating my body like the enemy. Why isn't it
losing weight? Why is it gaining weight? Why isn't it like this? Why is it like that? And why
isn't it cooperating and why not whatever, you know, and she, and that was making the body not
feel safe with her. And so it was going into self-protection mode. And so a body's tendency
to self-protect is to, um, for one thing, it thinks it's a victim to everything. So it has
a tendency to succumb to, to either turn on itself in an auto-immune disease or to, um, to come
against, uh, or to think that it's subject to everything that could come against all the viruses,
all the, whatever has a propensity to get sick, et cetera. I said, or it is. So that's one of the
ways that it's that it reacts is it thinks it's a victim. It thinks it's, you know, subject to all
of these bad things happening. And then also it has a tendency to gain and to keep on fat because
that is how a body tends to protect itself. It's how a body tends to prepare itself for the winter
very naturally is to start putting on weight, even, even, you know, just even like a dog,
a dog will start growing more hair in the winter before the winter in order to prepare for the
winter. That's what it bought its body does ours tends to pack on fat. Um, it, and it's doing that
to protect us. So anyway, if the body no longer needs to self-protect because you, as your spirit
are providing protection, um, and it feels that because it feels safe with your, with your spirit,
then it'll start dropping the weight. Cause it no longer needs to.
to use its own modalities to protect itself. It lets you do that.
Anyway, thank you. You're welcome.
Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I will let that sink in.
So again, all of this, all of these conversations are coming back to, you know, receive God's love, choose that you are loved, and you are one with him to the degree says that you are.
And all of these things will start to ironing out to start our will start ironing out without you working on it yourself without you even being focused on it.
So yeah.
Well, it's good to visit with you. Thank you so much. Yeah, I was going to talk to you. Yes.
Thank you so much that gave me a lot to think about and pray about. Very, very good and helpful and I'm glad I can watch it again.
Yeah, absolutely.
All right, well good to see you. Yeah. See you again later. Bye. Bye.