WEBVTT

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Hello, hello, I'm Bruce's making sure that Bruce is here.

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He's helping me.

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I just want to make sure that Mike's on there.

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You go, I'm not the only one who needs tech help girl.

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Always.

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I need tech home.

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Ed is my tech help.

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He is one who knows computers, has built a computer and all of that.

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So anyway, so, and he set me up a, he set me up a dual

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monitor, um, in our office at home.

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And then he set up another monitor here today.

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So I'm very excited.

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I don't get to use it though.

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Cause then I'd be talking with this and not, so I was like, I'll just do

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zoom here, Bruce always has like multiple monitors and then I lose browsers.

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Yeah.

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I know.

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Well, so that's what I'd forgotten.

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What is an issue, uh, is, uh, especially when I'm using the laptop open.

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So I don't know, do y'all have a clamshell docking station where you, you

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just plug the Mac in, but it's closed.

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Yeah.

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So I have that on my desk, but I actually typically use, I open my Mac to use it as

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a second monitor if I'm working.

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Yeah.

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But I can't technically close it if I just wanted the single

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monitor, like the separate one.

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Okay.

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So when I have it open and I'd forgotten about this because I have, I have two

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monitors and I thought, oh, well I'll just use three because with me, it's

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always like more is better.

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So I'm like, I'll do three.

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So, um, it's a, well, I didn't anticipate using it like that.

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You know, I'll plan on getting you a keyboard, but anyway, point is that

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when I have it open, that means that, that I can, like you said, lose browsers

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because the browser is on another display.

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I know what's really hard is when I lose my mouse.

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Now it's happened to me on zoom.

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Like I'll like the zoom window will be one monitor and then the zoom, like,

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you know, application will be on and I can't find where things are.

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Yeah.

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It's kind of interesting, but it's been a while since I've had a dual monitor.

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And, um, and my dad has three, of course my dad's in IT.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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So he probably uses them to the max too.

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Yeah, absolutely.

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Anyway, so you get so much more work done with so many, so many displays.

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I'm very excited about mine.

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So anyway, how are you doing?

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I'm good.

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I'm doing well.

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I, um, I, you know, I shared today, um, just kind of where I felt like I was at

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and really, I, you know, it's been interesting exercise for me cause I want

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to be vulnerable, but I also am trying to protect cause so much of what I'm going

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through right now is relational, right?

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So I don't want to, you know, villainize people in my life.

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Right.

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Um, so I'm trying to share it in a way that's like honoring and, but today I

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was, you know, I was like, I was really trying to like, okay, can I use some

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scenarios?

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Can I, whatever.

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And, um, I, in the scenarios I used for real, like business stuff and everything.

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And then I like within the hour kind of, I think part of my subconscious heart

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cry to the Lord is Lord, like, let the triggers happen now while I'm in the rest

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intensive, because I, I, I want it to come out.

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Like, I want to be able to talk and like process and this week, um, like, I just

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don't feel like I've had those triggers.

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Part of it is proximity and like, you know, whatever.

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And then like, literally like an hour after I did my share, all these things

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turned out, I'm just like, well, thank the Lord that I'm talking to Ashley tonight

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because, um, like I, I'm not trying to pretend that everything's okay, but I was

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like, you know, I feel like, I feel like, you know, it's more about me just

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learning to, and then I'm like, oh no, people are pissing me off.

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Like, it's not just me.

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They're really doing it.

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So I feel like we could talk about that maybe.

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So, or absolutely.

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By the way, I thought that your live was great.

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I thought, wow, she's really just doing a great job at being vulnerable.

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And like you said, protecting the, you know, protecting the, the names of the

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guilty, she's doing a really, really good job, you know, must take notes,

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Ashley, you know how to do this.

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There's so many layers.

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So I want to be as open as I can be with you.

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Cause I feel like context is helpful.

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And I honestly don't remember what I've told you and what I haven't told

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you, just like in our friendship talks, I'll try to give you like a brief

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context of like, like, did I tell you about the lawsuit and all of that?

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Have I told you any of that?

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Oh, okay.

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Okay.

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So in 2018, my father-in-law, um, business guy or whatever was running a company,

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had been running a company that was software focused.

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And, um, I'll try to like fill you in, but if you have questions and things

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aren't making sense, I'm just trying to like, give you a brief summary.

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He had a, so he was, um, He kind of moved to chairman of that company.

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He had a CEO under him who wasn't related to us, but was like business partner.

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That CEO hired Bruce to come on and be the president of that company.

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Bruce was running his own company up until then, and they had hired him to

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come in and do some consulting.

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And that turned into a bigger conversation of, while it's really

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helpful, would you consider basically coming in and running this company

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and helping us get it?

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Cause it was basically in startup mode.

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Again, it had been a hardware company.

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Like they sold like tablets before the iPad and, um, then the iPad came out.

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And so they, they like shifted, became a software company, which

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is some of Bruce's expertise.

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And so that's why it was like kind of in the startup mode.

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So that is happening.

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Bruce decided to do that.

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And, um, my father-in-law is business guy, but he was also like on eldership

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in our church and, you know, ran Bible studies and things like that.

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Well, as things progress, you meet people, people want to become

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investors in the company.

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Some of those people go to the church, that type of stuff.

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So that was all happening.

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And then, um, Two, maybe two years into Bruce kind of being part of the company.

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Um, this guy had connected with Dion, his dad, like Dion had just written a book

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called wired endorsed by Graham cook.

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Who's a friend of his dad.

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This guy got ahold of it and was like, this book has changed my life.

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He was also a business guy, not really unusual for Atlanta.

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A lot of business people who are, you know, Jesus people too.

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Right.

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And, um, he was like, you need to be focused on this.

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Like, let me come in and help you with this company.

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Like, this is my expertise.

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So you can like be more freed up to do ministry and stuff at the same time.

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Dion is, has left the church that he helped plant because him and Bridget

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felt like they were like best friends with the pastors and stuff, but they felt

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like they were like shifting into a new season of kind of marketplace ministry

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and not so much like organizational church.

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Um, and it was very like soft then, but I would say what became like a larger

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revelation later of like, is the organ organizational church, the way it's

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running now, like actually helping the kingdom advance.

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So a lot of things happening, just a lot of like a lot of things.

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Right.

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But at this point, everyone's still getting along.

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And then this guy who had come in to help, like, I don't know what happened,

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but I don't know if this was always his intention or what Bruce always had

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kind of an odd feeling about him.

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The best way that Bruce could describe it was Bruce was like, he just like was, he

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just didn't act Christian in business.

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But Bruce was like, I'm used to dealing with that.

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Like Bruce was like, I don't operate that way, but I'm used to dealing with

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business guys who are just like bulldogs in the boardroom and then preaching on

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the stage on Sunday, leading Bible study.

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So Bruce was like trying to balance, like, is this just one of those

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situations or is there something like really off?

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So we were having those conversations and just kind of those, you know, things

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started to feel like, what is going on?

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Well, long story short, July 2018, Bruce gets a call from his dad saying he met

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with this guy for lunch and this guy is like, the investors have been meeting for

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the last month or a couple months behind your back because they feel like you've

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built a Ponzi scheme and they feel like you're embezzling money.

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Basically the charges were you have raised millions of dollars for

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your own personal enrichment.

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This company isn't a viable company and you have held your spiritual leadership

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position as a way to basically con people into investing in your company.

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Like these are people that we like did life with.

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Like these were like the investors.

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Yeah.

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Like not all of them, but like enough of them, enough of them were like, I literally

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was at their house the week before and they were like, we really want you to

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mentor our high school daughter.

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Like, can we like set up a meeting?

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Like that was the type of relationship we had with them.

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Like it wasn't, so we were just like really blindsided.

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There was no lawsuit in play at that point.

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It was just like, they want you out of the company.

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And so, um, it just was this ripple effect of like us meeting with the senior

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leadership of the church.

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Cause we were still in eldership.

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These people are like, like they're my brother's in-laws.

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So that just makes like, just to put it in perspective, like my brothers

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are your brother-in-laws.

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No, my brother married a daughter of the senior pastors of the church.

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Oh, got it.

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Okay.

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I, they introduced me to Bruce who was like her cousin growing up because the

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family, the parents were so close, like best friends, knew each other back in

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South Africa before they were all married to each other.

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Like they went way back.

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So the senior pastor wasn't an investor, but he, his whole stance was I'm pastoring

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a lot of these people and.

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and Dion and Bridget are no longer part of the church.

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So he felt like he needed to focus on the people

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that he, like his flock,

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and kind of like wouldn't even talk to Dion at this point.

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It was like, I feel like it's too messy.

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Like after 30 years of friendship, it was really odd.

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And so Bruce and I had a meeting with the senior leaders

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cause we're like elders still.

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At this point, Bruce is not, he's the president of the

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company, but it's all on like Dion.

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As far as like the accusation.

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And then like the senior pastors were like,

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the best thing we can do, like you can do right now

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is just, cause we were like, what can we,

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like you guys are, we understand this is a hard situation.

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Like what can we do?

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And they're like, take a step,

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take a sabbatical from leadership.

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Cause it's going to be hard if you're like in leadership

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while all these discussions are happening.

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So we did that, like just kind of took a step back

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thinking this will be resolved soon enough.

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They asked us not to campaign.

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That was one thing.

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He's like, if you can please not campaign

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for your side of the story.

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Cause I think he said,

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I think it'll cause more divisiveness.

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I think looking back, I'm like,

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I probably wouldn't have followed that advice

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or I wouldn't have agreed to it.

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Cause I think that caused a lot of suspicion in people

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that this one side was like very verbal.

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And we were like taking a step back

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because we didn't want to cause divisiveness.

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So in March of 2019, so July, 2018, March, 2019,

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there was a lot of stuff that happened between then.

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Dion agreed to like basically leave the company

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and like release his shares

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to the rest of the shareholders,

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like under the agreement that there would be no lawsuit.

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Cause he was like so blindsided.

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He was like, I, he's like, I don't, I'm not admitting

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that I did anything wrong.

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He's like, I just want to release any,

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like, I don't want to get worse.

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I want people to feel like they've got,

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and there were people that stepped in,

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other investors that were like,

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we'll continue to run the company, which is like,

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well, it's definitely not a Ponzi scheme

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if you feel like there's still a company to run

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because the definition of a Ponzi company

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is there's no business, it's all false.

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So there was a lot of contradictory things happening.

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They, some of the investors had asked Bruce

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to stay on during this time.

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Cause they're like,

246
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we can't run the company without you.

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You hold all the networking.

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I mean, Bruce was meeting with outside vendors.

249
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I mean, he was the guy, right?

250
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That, so they're like,

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we really feel like you have what it takes

252
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to help us like start to get this

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becoming a profitable company.

254
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And so-

255
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It's a horrible position for them to put Bruce in

256
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with his dad being accused.

257
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Oh, horrible.

258
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But you know, we, it was,

259
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it's all the things that are coming out now,

260
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as you can probably imagine,

261
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like all the things I've shared,

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like emotionally responsible for people,

263
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like holding it all together.

264
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Like that was Bruce and us in this company

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cause we were just so blindsided,

266
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but trying to like make it work.

267
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And so anyway,

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I'm trying to like get to the point of it,

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but in March, 2019,

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like I dropped Bruce off at worship practice

271
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with people that are like kind of even

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a part of this right now,

273
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who have like, it's just,

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I'm trying to like give you just a sense of like

275
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the craziness of like,

276
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you were literally rubbing shoulders with people

277
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who are like accusing our father of criminal like intent.

278
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Correct.

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And they brought Bridget into it

280
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as a co-conspirator, like his wife.

281
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Yeah.

282
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So like her name, so anyway.

283
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Such a mess.

284
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Bruce calls me, I'm like leaving the church

285
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and he's like, I just got a call from my dad.

286
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Like they have served him like a lawsuit.

287
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Like this thing is finally legal.

288
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And Bruce had told the Lord the week before,

289
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he was like, you know,

290
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I'm doing this because I feel like I can still help

291
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and I can help turn the ship.

292
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But he's like, Lord, I need to know what the boundary is.

293
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Like at what point can I like leave this?

294
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And he felt like the conversation with the Lord was

295
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:13.200
if it goes legal, like there's a boundary.

296
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And like literally a week later it went legal.

297
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And the guy that was helping,

298
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not this isn't the same guy,

299
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literally the guy that caused the scene disappeared.

300
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I mean, as far as like he wasn't,

301
00:14:23.840 --> 00:14:25.400
he hadn't invested in the company.

302
00:14:25.400 --> 00:14:28.200
He just like started a bunch of like conversation,

303
00:14:28.200 --> 00:14:29.640
which was odd.

304
00:14:29.640 --> 00:14:31.280
But people who had actually invested,

305
00:14:31.280 --> 00:14:33.360
like one guy who was like a seasoned,

306
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these are like not,

307
00:14:35.600 --> 00:14:37.240
these are like seasoned business people, by the way.

308
00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:38.080
These aren't like people,

309
00:14:38.080 --> 00:14:39.680
these aren't like grandmas who were like,

310
00:14:39.680 --> 00:14:40.800
this is a good idea.

311
00:14:40.800 --> 00:14:45.320
These are like executives of Coca-Cola people.

312
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So like very like seasoned people.

313
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Yes.

314
00:14:48.720 --> 00:14:51.320
And so one of the guys who had like retired from Coca-Cola,

315
00:14:51.320 --> 00:14:52.920
who was like, had taken over the company,

316
00:14:52.920 --> 00:14:54.640
who wanted to work with Bruce,

317
00:14:54.640 --> 00:14:56.600
had said like, I'm not planning on,

318
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I feel like I'm a man of peace

319
00:14:57.800 --> 00:14:59.360
and I'm not going to like take this legal,

320
00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:00.200
but like his name.

321
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:04.480
was on the document. So Bruce called him and the guy was like, yeah, well, I've gotten some

322
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:08.560
prophetic words recently. I mean, this is the, I mean, it's just like, there's prophets on every

323
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side. So Bruce and I were just like, so Bruce was like, I'm out. And, um, went and spoke with

324
00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:18.320
the team that he had been working with and told them, there's like still a group of guys that

325
00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:22.800
were like reporting to him and just said like, this is what's happening. I want you guys to

326
00:15:22.800 --> 00:15:27.760
feel like you can make a decision based on what is best for your family. Cause there's benefits

327
00:15:27.760 --> 00:15:34.000
involved, their salary. So like, I'm not expecting you to leave to like, prove you're faithful to

328
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:38.240
me. Cause these guys are like faithful to Bruce. They've been working for him, but he just felt

329
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:41.680
like he needed to tell them, like they knew everything. So it wasn't like they were like

330
00:15:41.680 --> 00:15:45.520
blindsided. There had been a, you know, note was going on, but he was like, don't feel,

331
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:50.000
but some of them did. They were just like, I don't want to be part of this anymore.

332
00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:55.600
And some of them stayed. Um, but that it was just like, I mean, cause Bruce was like, if I,

333
00:15:55.680 --> 00:16:00.000
if these guys leave with me, the company's dead because there's no one to run it basically. So

334
00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:06.960
he was trying to, even in his leaving was like, you know, and, but I mean like he was literally

335
00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:12.240
leading like worship on a Sunday with someone next to him who was like on the lawsuit with his dad.

336
00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:16.960
I was speaking at the women's conference that weekend with literally people who were suing my

337
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:22.800
parents, like on the speaker docket with me. Yeah. It was just, but we, it was like,

338
00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:27.200
twilight, it was like twilight zone, but it was like, we just have to get through this.

339
00:16:27.760 --> 00:16:31.920
And we didn't feel at that point that the Lord, and maybe some of this at the time was honestly

340
00:16:31.920 --> 00:16:39.920
just us feeling like, I don't know if it was the Lord or if it was us, but at the time we're like,

341
00:16:39.920 --> 00:16:44.640
we Lord, our desire is we don't like, there's an inheritance for us here. Like our past,

342
00:16:44.640 --> 00:16:49.920
our parents have poured in over 20 years of themselves into this like local body.

343
00:16:50.560 --> 00:16:57.120
Bruce has sown over 20 years, like from the little Bruce being there on Sundays to like

344
00:16:57.120 --> 00:17:01.200
teenage Bruce leading production to like, you know, I had been there for a decade. So we're

345
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.520
like, we don't want bitterness to be the thing that runs us away. Like if there's still inheritance,

346
00:17:07.520 --> 00:17:12.319
like we want to leave with your word and your command. So that was like, we, so we stayed

347
00:17:13.280 --> 00:17:20.480
all through 2019 at the church. And then in January, 2020, we were literally sitting there

348
00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:27.359
and when you and I met, didn't we meet January, 2020? I mean, let me just put it in the perspective.

349
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:30.880
Actually, when you reached out to me on Facebook, I'm like, is she a mole?

350
00:17:34.720 --> 00:17:39.280
No, I'm just like, this is fascinating. Just the connection. Well, because there was, there

351
00:17:39.280 --> 00:17:44.560
was so many weird things happening. Like they were like, they were telling people that the FBI

352
00:17:44.560 --> 00:17:49.600
was involved, which there's never been proof to this day that that was, the SEC eventually was

353
00:17:49.600 --> 00:17:54.960
involved and everything was like taken care of with that. So like nothing was, but like people

354
00:17:54.960 --> 00:18:00.640
were being told that the FBI was involved. Yeah. Just rumors. And just rumors. But like people

355
00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:08.000
were like, it was just, it was just volatile. It was so, it was such a play of the enemy at such

356
00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:14.000
a grand scale that if I like, I could sit here in days and talk about it. But we felt in January,

357
00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:20.560
we were literally sitting in service and the senior leader are, and at this point, these are,

358
00:18:20.560 --> 00:18:24.320
these are still our spiritual mom and dad. So they're meeting with us on the side. We're not

359
00:18:24.320 --> 00:18:28.560
in any leadership. At one point, they didn't have me on stage for a while. Then they're like, well,

360
00:18:28.560 --> 00:18:33.920
you can, you know, I think the way that Bruce and I can describe it or the way that we,

361
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:42.320
what we've come to terms with is people were like under the, like there was a spirit of violence

362
00:18:42.320 --> 00:18:47.120
behind this thing and people were doing the best they can, they could. Like no one was a

363
00:18:47.120 --> 00:18:53.840
professional at like this type of crisis. Right. So we're not holding people to an accusation of

364
00:18:53.840 --> 00:18:56.640
they should have done this or they should have done that. Even if they could, it was like, I

365
00:18:57.040 --> 00:19:04.720
think people were literally moment by moment at times. So but they, we had at that point stepped

366
00:19:04.720 --> 00:19:08.160
away from everything. I was doing things like, you know, prayer ministry. Bruce was like doing

367
00:19:08.160 --> 00:19:12.400
tech team. Like we were volunteering with things like, because that's part of the church culture,

368
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:17.920
but we weren't in any leadership position, anything like that. And we had met Pedro kind

369
00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:22.080
of in the middle of all this on Facebook. And we're like, got this renewed vision for

370
00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:28.480
like just being unashamedly a part of the marketplace and not feeling like we had to be

371
00:19:29.360 --> 00:19:34.400
Christian business leaders, if that makes sense, like business leaders who happen to be Christian.

372
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:39.520
Yeah. Yeah. And so we're like, okay, Lord, like, I feel like you're giving us whether I think this

373
00:19:39.520 --> 00:19:45.040
is just a provision from you for us to have community where we're accepted and we belong

374
00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:52.960
and celebrating all that stuff. So we weren't like, you know, we were talkative about it,

375
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:58.480
but we weren't like, you know, I don't know, but it had been mentioned kingdom entrepreneurship.

376
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:07.440
in church on Sunday, and they announced that they are starting a business ministry, a ministry for

377
00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:12.400
business leaders. And, you know, our spiritual dad, our senior leader says, you know, I've just,

378
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.760
there's a lot of talk about innovation from heaven, which was something that Dion's, Dion,

379
00:20:17.760 --> 00:20:22.240
Bruce's dad talked about a lot. Like we can receive innovation from heaven for business,

380
00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:25.520
for culture and everything like that. There's a lot of talk, you know, there's all talk about

381
00:20:25.520 --> 00:20:28.640
innovation for business and kingdom entrepreneurship, but I'm just really

382
00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:34.720
interested in integrity in business. And Bruce and I just like sat there and just for like,

383
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:42.240
felt let go, like felt released. And I did something very uncharacteristic and I just

384
00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:46.400
looked at Bruce and I was like, Hey, are you ready to leave? And he was like, yeah. And we just

385
00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:52.640
quietly make a scene, but we like walked out and we made an appointment with our leadership

386
00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:56.160
that week and we just honored them. We said like, I mean, we prayed about it that day,

387
00:20:57.120 --> 00:21:01.440
you know, from like, we just spent the rest of the day at our house praying. And we just felt

388
00:21:01.440 --> 00:21:06.400
like he gave us Genesis 12 where Abraham's, you know, he said, told Abraham, leave the land of

389
00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:10.080
your fathers and go to a land I'm going to show you and all that stuff. So it was not an easy

390
00:21:10.080 --> 00:21:14.640
decision, even after all that piled on, but we felt like, okay, this is the release. I think that

391
00:21:15.600 --> 00:21:20.240
we've been waiting for. And so we went and had a conversation with our leadership and we wrote a

392
00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:26.000
letter and we said, everything we're telling you in this meeting is everything in this letter.

393
00:21:26.320 --> 00:21:31.520
And it was all honoring because we truly felt it like it wasn't, but we said, just so you know,

394
00:21:32.160 --> 00:21:37.280
we are not having a conversation with anyone else that does, that has additional information

395
00:21:37.280 --> 00:21:44.240
from this letter. So if you hear from somebody that we have said something that is contradictory

396
00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:50.800
to this letter, like we're asking that you reach out to us because we know people are going to make

397
00:21:50.800 --> 00:21:56.800
stuff up because they've been doing that. But we want you to know, this is our hearts. We honor

398
00:21:56.800 --> 00:22:00.880
this house. We honor you. We love what you built. We love building with you, but like, it's time.

399
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:06.960
The Lord's asked us to leave. Like it's time to go. And so we felt pure at heart and that like

400
00:22:07.840 --> 00:22:12.240
we've done all we can. And if anyone asked us like, Hey, what is going on? Like, we were like,

401
00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:16.560
Hey, here's the letter that we wrote to Greg and Michelle. And this is what in the leadership of

402
00:22:16.560 --> 00:22:21.760
the church. And this is what we believe. So that was January, 2020. And we told them, we said,

403
00:22:21.760 --> 00:22:26.800
we don't have a new house that we're going to like a new spiritual home. We felt like we didn't want

404
00:22:26.800 --> 00:22:32.640
to have one foot in one foot out. So like, we're just, the Lord said, go. So we're going. And I

405
00:22:32.640 --> 00:22:37.760
said, we said in the interim, we're going to just let Bethel Reading online be our covering. Cause

406
00:22:37.760 --> 00:22:43.280
that's a house that we trust and we've been fed from, but thinking it would be like a month or

407
00:22:43.280 --> 00:22:50.400
two of that and then COVID hit. So then it was like, everything was online. So the complexity

408
00:22:50.400 --> 00:23:00.160
here is, you know, my brother is this couple's son-in-law and you know, there's still, there's

409
00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:05.840
like, I'm like that I'm never released from that. Like there will always be a connection point.

410
00:23:05.840 --> 00:23:11.680
There's also Bruce's sets of siblings who have had different experiences of all this fallout.

411
00:23:13.840 --> 00:23:22.240
And so I'm the point I'm at, I think, and so, so here we are today. So I think there's been

412
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:28.000
some natural, like had the situation not happened, there's been some natural things that have

413
00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:34.880
risen in our relationships with siblings and parents, just based off of like, we're all our

414
00:23:34.880 --> 00:23:39.520
own people. And we all have now our new family cultures, like aside from this happening, like

415
00:23:39.520 --> 00:23:45.600
that's just, we've all grown up, right? Like people are, so people have different beliefs,

416
00:23:45.600 --> 00:23:51.120
different political views. COVID's brought some of that out more than ever, right? Like,

417
00:23:51.120 --> 00:23:58.320
but what has made it difficult and what I think has made it hard for me to just be honest is

418
00:23:58.320 --> 00:24:04.000
because there's been this really, and by the way, so the lawsuit, the court dismissed the lawsuit

419
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:12.960
just two months ago. So that's like done, finally. The court just dismissed it? Yeah,

420
00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:20.160
there was never. Was it so, oh, but so it wasn't settled out of court, but they dismissed it.

421
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:26.480
Did anything, did Dion or the other side have to make any kind of settlement? No settlement.

422
00:24:26.480 --> 00:24:32.800
The court just dismissed it. There wasn't enough evidence. That is amazing. Yeah. Ours was settled

423
00:24:32.800 --> 00:24:38.160
out of court with literally nothing exchanging hands, except the promise that we would never

424
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:44.800
tell anyone who they were. That was the only condition I'm like, well, whatever, because

425
00:24:44.800 --> 00:24:50.720
it's public on public record. I don't tell people that, Hey, it's public record. Anyway, go look it

426
00:24:50.720 --> 00:24:55.760
up. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that wild. So that's what I was trying to understand. So what was all

427
00:24:55.760 --> 00:24:59.840
the same thing? I mean, yours was settled in court as a nothing exchanging.

428
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:01.700
And ours was not allowed to court.

429
00:25:01.700 --> 00:25:03.940
And I think it's changing hand this while, but anyway,

430
00:25:04.020 --> 00:25:10.580
we just, I mean, there's, there's like, yeah, you know, so we get the, we get the

431
00:25:10.580 --> 00:25:13.140
call, like it's finally dismissed.

432
00:25:13.420 --> 00:25:14.940
It's like years, right.

433
00:25:14.940 --> 00:25:21.500
It's been since 2019 and I just felt numb.

434
00:25:21.620 --> 00:25:25.260
I just was like, it wasn't a victory.

435
00:25:25.860 --> 00:25:27.380
It was anticlimactic.

436
00:25:27.620 --> 00:25:34.260
So, yeah, so I just, well, if I felt like the war is over, but there's been

437
00:25:34.260 --> 00:25:39.060
casualties, that's how it felt like, but there's been death, right.

438
00:25:39.580 --> 00:25:45.500
And, um, here's kind of all the hats I'm wearing.

439
00:25:45.660 --> 00:25:49.100
A big part of me is like, Lord, I see your hand.

440
00:25:49.100 --> 00:25:52.100
Like, I don't think you caused this, but you allowed it.

441
00:25:52.740 --> 00:25:56.700
And there are so many like things that have happened personally.

442
00:25:56.700 --> 00:25:59.100
And Bruce and I, his life that would not have happened.

443
00:25:59.100 --> 00:26:05.220
Had we been stuck in that system, it's not, I don't even hold this like.

444
00:26:06.660 --> 00:26:08.660
Bitter view towards the church or anything.

445
00:26:08.660 --> 00:26:15.220
It's just, I feel because in the last four years I've come into a greater

446
00:26:15.220 --> 00:26:18.540
understanding while I've met you, I've come into greater revelation of rest.

447
00:26:18.600 --> 00:26:22.300
I've come across Chris's teaching, a greater revelation of sonship.

448
00:26:22.700 --> 00:26:27.220
I've come under Pedro's mentorship, just a greater focus on like kingdom.

449
00:26:27.260 --> 00:26:29.860
Like what could that look like in all spheres of influence?

450
00:26:29.860 --> 00:26:34.420
Not just in a Sunday morning community outreach, you know, all the things we

451
00:26:34.460 --> 00:26:36.820
probably agree and have similar views on.

452
00:26:36.820 --> 00:26:37.100
Right.

453
00:26:37.100 --> 00:26:43.940
It's like, so, and just who we are as people, like we've grown so much, like my

454
00:26:43.940 --> 00:26:49.420
prayer in July, when all this was going down was like, I just, I want to empty

455
00:26:49.460 --> 00:26:50.460
the enemy's hands.

456
00:26:50.580 --> 00:26:54.740
Like that is, that is like, cause I just felt like the Lord followed me for like

457
00:26:54.740 --> 00:26:57.220
weeks with this like question of like, what do you want?

458
00:26:57.260 --> 00:26:57.820
What do you want?

459
00:26:57.820 --> 00:26:58.340
What do you want?

460
00:26:58.340 --> 00:27:00.820
And you know, you start out, you're like, I just want this to end.

461
00:27:00.820 --> 00:27:03.820
I just want people to know the truth, but he just kept pressing me.

462
00:27:03.820 --> 00:27:06.820
And I got to this place where I'm like, Lord, I want to empty the enemy's hands.

463
00:27:07.260 --> 00:27:11.780
And I feel like that was like this, like, like it was a decision day for me, not

464
00:27:11.780 --> 00:27:15.380
even really knowing what that actually meant or entailed, but just knowing like

465
00:27:15.380 --> 00:27:17.140
I'm willing to give myself to that.

466
00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:20.420
I know it will be painful, but I know it will be rewarding.

467
00:27:20.420 --> 00:27:22.100
And so we've walked that journey.

468
00:27:22.860 --> 00:27:27.620
So a big part of me is like, Lord, I like, I so trust you.

469
00:27:28.180 --> 00:27:30.460
I'm, I'm not trying to nitpick details.

470
00:27:30.460 --> 00:27:32.780
And this person said that, or this person said that.

471
00:27:33.220 --> 00:27:39.260
I think there's a, there's a smaller part of me that is dealing with relational

472
00:27:39.260 --> 00:27:44.940
resentment that is probably beyond the situation, but because the situation

473
00:27:44.940 --> 00:27:49.740
happened, I feel this weird tension of trying to protect people.

474
00:27:51.380 --> 00:27:54.260
Like protect my siblings, protect my in-laws.

475
00:27:54.260 --> 00:27:58.540
Like I don't even, you know, like I have like, just like, I have just like

476
00:27:58.580 --> 00:28:01.900
regular, like, you know, mother-in-law daughter-in-law vibe sometimes with my

477
00:28:01.900 --> 00:28:05.060
mother-in-law, which would be normal under most circumstances.

478
00:28:05.060 --> 00:28:07.740
Like, oh yeah, that's just, that's just as usual.

479
00:28:07.740 --> 00:28:08.060
Right.

480
00:28:08.540 --> 00:28:13.020
But because of the situation, I feel like I've had to suppress so much of myself

481
00:28:13.420 --> 00:28:18.940
because I've wanted to protect her from further hurt, but, you know, but it has

482
00:28:18.940 --> 00:28:27.940
like entrapped resentment inside of me so that any like engagement with her, I'm

483
00:28:27.940 --> 00:28:34.980
just like frozen almost because I don't like, I don't want to react, but I also

484
00:28:34.980 --> 00:28:36.940
don't want to be honest about how I feel.

485
00:28:36.940 --> 00:28:38.100
Like, it's just, you know what I mean?

486
00:28:38.100 --> 00:28:45.580
Like, so, and I'm finding for whatever reason, like since September, I think I

487
00:28:45.580 --> 00:28:46.660
mentioned, I might've mentioned this to you.

488
00:28:46.660 --> 00:28:49.860
Like, I just had this weird interaction with one of my sister-in-laws and it

489
00:28:49.860 --> 00:28:53.820
just broke something in me where I'm like, I am not holding this line anymore.

490
00:28:54.540 --> 00:28:56.380
Like, I don't care what happens.

491
00:28:56.420 --> 00:29:00.220
I, I know it almost in a way, which I think was scary.

492
00:29:00.220 --> 00:29:02.140
It's like, I felt like I gave up on her.

493
00:29:02.540 --> 00:29:04.060
Like, I just don't even want to.

494
00:29:04.340 --> 00:29:05.260
On the sister-in-law?

495
00:29:05.500 --> 00:29:06.780
There's so many sister-in-laws.

496
00:29:06.780 --> 00:29:10.580
I'm sorry, but this is the one that we were talking about from September.

497
00:29:10.900 --> 00:29:11.300
Yeah.

498
00:29:11.340 --> 00:29:18.940
So like my, so Bruce's brother's wife, there's two brothers, two wives, but both,

499
00:29:19.100 --> 00:29:23.180
both of them, just one of them I've known for, she's been married to his

500
00:29:23.180 --> 00:29:24.220
brother for almost 10 years.

501
00:29:24.220 --> 00:29:25.620
So we've known each other for over a decade.

502
00:29:25.740 --> 00:29:27.580
We did early, you know, we did our twenties together.

503
00:29:27.580 --> 00:29:28.740
We kind of grew up together.

504
00:29:29.020 --> 00:29:34.180
There was always a bit of tension because we're just different, but there also has

505
00:29:34.180 --> 00:29:40.060
been great moments of us like coming together and unifying, and I feel like

506
00:29:40.060 --> 00:29:45.060
there, I, you know, I used to have a lot of hope for the relationship, but I feel

507
00:29:45.060 --> 00:29:50.620
like a lot of my hope for kind of all the relationships, because I don't know.

508
00:29:50.620 --> 00:29:54.460
It's hard to explain my brother, my, my brother and my sister-in-law didn't

509
00:29:54.460 --> 00:29:56.780
really stand with us in this.

510
00:29:56.900 --> 00:30:00.020
They didn't really stand against us, but they didn't really stand up for.

511
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:05.040
us, right? So that was, that was a hurt. And it was, it's kind of would have been one of those

512
00:30:05.040 --> 00:30:12.560
elephants in the room that we've never really talked about. So that's that happening here.

513
00:30:12.560 --> 00:30:17.840
And then all of Bruce's siblings have varying degrees, like one of his brothers still attends

514
00:30:17.840 --> 00:30:32.240
the church. And you know, they're very progressive and love being like, call themselves the black

515
00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:40.400
sheep of the family. Like just, they kind of love that identity to the detriment of

516
00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:49.680
any type of unity we once had. And it's just, to me, I used to feel like I could absorb it more

517
00:30:49.680 --> 00:30:54.000
and be like, oh, you know, they'll like outgrow it or whatever. But now I'm just like, I'm feeling

518
00:30:54.000 --> 00:31:00.800
done. So I know this is really complicated. But I, if I could kind of get to where maybe I feel

519
00:31:00.800 --> 00:31:08.000
like I'm stuck and maybe you have insight that I maybe don't see, but I feel like I'm dealing with

520
00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:17.280
relational resentment, many different directions at varying levels of degree. And I'm like,

521
00:31:17.280 --> 00:31:23.040
is it that I can't forgive? Is it that I forgive and then there's something else that happens that

522
00:31:23.040 --> 00:31:30.880
needs further? I don't know. Am I the problem? Like, am I being too judgmental? Am I holding

523
00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:42.160
people to a standard that's not fair? I think that's where I'm like, I'm stuck and confused.

524
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:47.680
Yeah. Well, no, no, it definitely, everything that you say just makes complete sense.

525
00:31:50.800 --> 00:31:54.560
Okay. There's two things I want to say, and I don't want to say one and then forget the

526
00:31:54.560 --> 00:32:00.080
other one. So Lord, please help me to remember both. Okay. So one of them, the, the, the,

527
00:32:00.080 --> 00:32:04.960
the impression that I get that we'll probably need to unpack a bit is to see if that you think that

528
00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:10.560
that really is it is. And I think that you alluded to it earlier is the fact that you've been trying

529
00:32:10.560 --> 00:32:14.480
to take, that you've been taking on the responsibility for everybody else to the

530
00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:20.960
point where you haven't taken care of you, which is why, I mean, even though you've tried, it's

531
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:27.040
like, you haven't done it to the depth that it needs attention. And by that, I don't mean like

532
00:32:27.040 --> 00:32:31.760
all of these things that you need to forgive and get rid of. I'm talking about healing about the

533
00:32:31.760 --> 00:32:41.920
fact that, you know, you were done wrong. So to use the slang phrase. And, and so I think that

534
00:32:41.920 --> 00:32:48.240
that's why things keep, keep coming up is because there really was a very deep well, because it was

535
00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:54.160
a very complicated situation, any just coming from one direction would have hurt bad enough,

536
00:32:54.160 --> 00:33:03.840
but all of the complication, and then the, the trying so hard to keep yours and Bruce's,

537
00:33:04.480 --> 00:33:11.680
you know, to, to, to walk that balance in all of the complication and to make sure to listen to the

538
00:33:11.680 --> 00:33:16.720
Lord. Okay. What is he saying? Okay. No matter what, what we feel like he's asking us to do,

539
00:33:16.720 --> 00:33:22.400
we're going to do it. But then, and so there was just, there was a lot there that could create

540
00:33:22.400 --> 00:33:32.080
a lot of wounds, including your own strife and effort of trying to, trying to do the right thing

541
00:33:32.080 --> 00:33:36.240
all the time and trying to figure it out. And by that shore, some of that is sweat.

542
00:33:37.280 --> 00:33:43.200
And so there is that, which can do a whole lot of damage and a whole lot of wounds, but just

543
00:33:43.200 --> 00:33:48.480
simply just trying to balance, even just like walking on a tight rope or whatever,

544
00:33:49.360 --> 00:33:56.320
it does wear the muscles out that it does make you tired. So even if, you know, you've kind of,

545
00:33:56.320 --> 00:34:00.960
you've gone well and you know, you've done a good job and you, so to speak, you know, in other words,

546
00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:06.400
you've kept the balance and et cetera, and you well done good and faithful servant, you do come

547
00:34:06.400 --> 00:34:11.280
to the end where your muscles are just spent. So if that, so that's what I'm talking about,

548
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:15.040
if that didn't have the depth of attention that it meant, because you're taking care of

549
00:34:15.040 --> 00:34:19.920
everybody else, then no matter how much you're trying to like, forgive, et cetera, stuff keeps

550
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:27.120
coming up because it really was a very, I don't want to say complicated situation because it was,

551
00:34:27.120 --> 00:34:31.840
but what I'm saying is, you know, the Lord and how he heals can be very, can be, that can be very

552
00:34:31.840 --> 00:34:39.840
simple. What I'm saying is that the physical complexity of the situation really added to the

553
00:34:39.840 --> 00:34:47.360
depth of that wound. Yeah. And and so it really is very significant and very serious what it is

554
00:34:47.360 --> 00:34:54.000
that you've been through. And so I think that might be why these things keep coming up is that

555
00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:59.760
there's an amount of you that hasn't been fully that hasn't been fully.

556
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:08.000
uh, addressed and cared for, even though you tried, I think that there's just more there.

557
00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:13.200
Um, and the other thing, just because I thought it was a very surprising thing to come to

558
00:35:13.200 --> 00:35:16.760
mind when you were talking about you and your mother-in-law, and you said that you were

559
00:35:16.760 --> 00:35:23.760
trying so hard to protect her, that you felt that, that you couldn't ever have that you've

560
00:35:23.760 --> 00:35:29.080
been struggling, having a healthy boundary with her because you're trying to take care

561
00:35:29.080 --> 00:35:30.080
of her.

562
00:35:30.080 --> 00:35:35.200
What I saw in my mind was what Casey was talking about when she talked about, um, you know,

563
00:35:35.200 --> 00:35:40.200
on her post where she mentioned that she had gone to the doctor and said that the tumor

564
00:35:40.200 --> 00:35:45.680
had now had now pressed into, and I wish I could remember her exact phrasing.

565
00:35:45.680 --> 00:35:52.800
She didn't say the word invade, but she said, pressed into, um, uh, and we'll use the word

566
00:35:52.800 --> 00:35:57.680
invade the muscle, um, a muscle bed or muscle tissue.

567
00:35:57.680 --> 00:35:59.920
Like a, like an, another layer of muscle or something.

568
00:35:59.920 --> 00:36:02.680
I remember what you're talking about, how it had pressed into it.

569
00:36:02.680 --> 00:36:09.600
And she said before it hadn't been in there and why I got that picture of all things when

570
00:36:09.600 --> 00:36:12.440
you're talking, I'm like, Hmm, so what does that mean?

571
00:36:12.440 --> 00:36:18.560
But it's almost like there's something of, I don't know if this is what it means, but

572
00:36:18.560 --> 00:36:26.080
almost like, um, what it is that your mother in law, either what she is going through and

573
00:36:26.080 --> 00:36:33.560
that she hasn't dealt with in health healed from, or that you're guessing is still there

574
00:36:33.560 --> 00:36:39.080
and you're wanting to take care of whatever it is, it is trespassing now.

575
00:36:39.080 --> 00:36:45.560
And it's pushing into and causing, um, causing an even greater issue in your life.

576
00:36:45.560 --> 00:36:50.960
It's now invading into, and there's a word kind of like correcting and corrupting is

577
00:36:50.960 --> 00:36:56.080
not the word that I want to use, but it's not bringing in a healthy thing into your

578
00:36:56.080 --> 00:36:57.080
world.

579
00:36:57.080 --> 00:36:58.080
Yeah.

580
00:36:58.080 --> 00:37:02.960
So, um, maybe, maybe that's what it is, but all that I know is I got that picture.

581
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:07.480
And so I thought that is a very surprising picture of what is exactly is that need.

582
00:37:07.480 --> 00:37:12.640
And, um, but we do know that the things that have the things that happen as a result of

583
00:37:12.640 --> 00:37:18.040
the type of situations that y'all went through, if not dealt with can be like a cancer.

584
00:37:18.040 --> 00:37:24.760
It just like grows and develops this tumor that, that starts to grow prolifically and

585
00:37:24.760 --> 00:37:28.920
then starts affecting other areas that it hadn't originated in.

586
00:37:28.920 --> 00:37:35.080
And, you know, just starts like literally taking up space and like, and mass, and then

587
00:37:35.080 --> 00:37:39.960
starts like the picture that I got with you is like pressing into other territory.

588
00:37:39.960 --> 00:37:42.960
And I'm not saying that your mother in law is intentionally doing that.

589
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:51.760
I'm saying that I'm wondering if you're, you're wanting to basically absorb the, uh,

590
00:37:51.760 --> 00:37:56.480
any, any lack of, and I don't know if this is what you're referring to, but a lack of

591
00:37:56.480 --> 00:38:01.820
boundaries or where she is being her, but you don't feel like you can be appropriately

592
00:38:01.820 --> 00:38:04.800
you with her is absorbing it.

593
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:10.280
And now it's actually her issue, whether it is a real issue or it's what you think is

594
00:38:10.280 --> 00:38:15.400
still an issue, whichever, whatever it is, it's encroaching on you.

595
00:38:15.400 --> 00:38:22.080
And so yeah, an issue, but anyway, that makes sense because I literally have conversations

596
00:38:22.080 --> 00:38:23.080
with myself.

597
00:38:23.080 --> 00:38:24.320
Like, has it always been this way?

598
00:38:24.320 --> 00:38:28.640
I mean, I've known them for, you know, 14 years because Bruce and I were dating and

599
00:38:28.640 --> 00:38:34.520
then we were married and I'm like, I don't remember it being like this, you know, like,

600
00:38:34.520 --> 00:38:38.640
and then I'm like, well, maybe I just had a, maybe I had grace for it.

601
00:38:39.000 --> 00:38:44.680
Maybe I just wasn't paying attention, you know, I don't know, but, um, I feel like there's

602
00:38:44.680 --> 00:38:56.920
just been this intensity of behavior that like, I, I, I like physically react to when

603
00:38:56.920 --> 00:39:00.400
I'm with her, which is not my heart towards her.

604
00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:02.280
And like, you know what I mean?

605
00:39:02.280 --> 00:39:07.040
Like she's not an evil person, like, you know, she's very loving she's and I, there's so

606
00:39:07.080 --> 00:39:14.080
much that have happened in her life that I'm wanting to be like, not just like the situation,

607
00:39:14.080 --> 00:39:17.520
which is big enough, but like, you know, they became empty nesters because Bruce's youngest

608
00:39:17.520 --> 00:39:20.480
brother like has moved out and got married in this time period.

609
00:39:20.480 --> 00:39:24.160
Like there's just been a lot of identity shift just in the natural.

610
00:39:24.160 --> 00:39:28.880
So I'm like, there's just a lot that they're still carrying even now.

611
00:39:28.880 --> 00:39:35.880
And I can't even imagine, like, I have bits and pieces obviously, because we've walked

612
00:39:35.880 --> 00:39:40.040
with them through this, but there's so much that they've had to like legally carry and

613
00:39:40.040 --> 00:39:41.040
financially carry.

614
00:39:41.040 --> 00:39:45.760
And like, you know, they've had to sell their dream home and like, they've been renting

615
00:39:45.760 --> 00:39:47.360
and like, you know what I mean?

616
00:39:47.360 --> 00:39:51.640
Like it's just, there's at this stage of life, you know, they're doing like kind of starting

617
00:39:51.640 --> 00:39:54.200
over again.

618
00:39:54.200 --> 00:40:00.080
And there, I feel like they're stuck in kind of some old ways of thinking about therapy.

619
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:05.520
be and inner healing even, and just kind of being anti that, um, not feeling like it's,

620
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:11.360
you know, it's too feeling like it's very worldly, you know, things like that. And I'm like,

621
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:18.560
I think therapy could do you some good. It's just that type of, you know, and they've had,

622
00:40:18.560 --> 00:40:24.560
they've had Graham, Graham and his wife, Teresa have stood with them through all of this. Like

623
00:40:24.560 --> 00:40:27.840
Graham would get calls from people being like, you should have nothing to do with these, you know,

624
00:40:28.720 --> 00:40:32.480
people and Graham would be like, I am not entertaining that at all. Like, you know,

625
00:40:32.480 --> 00:40:40.000
I mean, they've had some very few, you know, but very, um, substantial people like stand with them.

626
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:46.720
So I think even at times I had resentment of that, which sounds crazy, but I think they had

627
00:40:46.720 --> 00:40:52.640
people that would stand with them. Well, I feel like I, it could, it could be selfish. So I'm

628
00:40:52.640 --> 00:40:56.800
just going to say it cause I want to get it out there. But I think there were times where I felt

629
00:40:56.800 --> 00:41:02.800
like, not that I, not that Bruce and I had it worse, but I feel like we got like, we were

630
00:41:02.800 --> 00:41:07.440
extremely isolated. Like we became divorce overnight. Right. Yeah. Cause we had these

631
00:41:07.440 --> 00:41:13.040
spiritual parents who literally raised us to love each, to love, you know, they endorsed each other.

632
00:41:13.840 --> 00:41:19.120
They endorsed themselves to us. Right. Like, yeah. And then, and then all of a sudden they were

633
00:41:20.640 --> 00:41:25.200
like separated and like never wanting to be friends again. And Bruce and I are stuck there

634
00:41:25.200 --> 00:41:31.840
in the middle feeling like if we're, if we talk to one, we're not being loyal to the other vice

635
00:41:31.840 --> 00:41:38.800
versa. Yeah. And I feel like they both like both sides to this day feel like we, in some ways chose

636
00:41:38.800 --> 00:41:45.840
the other and we lost both. Yeah. And you know, they're, you know, his parents are pre like

637
00:41:45.840 --> 00:41:51.360
preaching, but you know, like, you know, saying things to us, like, you know, you know, the

638
00:41:51.360 --> 00:41:55.440
comments about how therapy, it doesn't help anyone. And I'm like, but you, you had therapy

639
00:41:55.440 --> 00:42:01.760
by another name. And like, you had Graham cook on speed dial. You had like Bruce and I literally

640
00:42:02.320 --> 00:42:06.000
did not know who, like, I couldn't even tell, I could tell my parents, like I obviously told them

641
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:11.920
I couldn't, I can't talk to my mom about any resentment because she is literally relationally

642
00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:16.160
tied to everyone involved. Right. So it's just not wanting to dirty someone's window.

643
00:42:16.720 --> 00:42:20.800
It's not wanting to cause further offense. It's so like, it was like,

644
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:34.000
it was like Bruce and I in the Lord and yeah. And there's, I think infiltration is a good word

645
00:42:34.000 --> 00:42:40.400
because like, you know, Bruce and I introduced like Pedro and his dad, because like, we're like,

646
00:42:40.400 --> 00:42:44.640
Hey, you guys like shared like hearts together. And now Pedro and his dad are doing things,

647
00:42:44.640 --> 00:42:49.280
which is awesome, but it's like, okay, well, this is now another world that I have to be

648
00:42:49.280 --> 00:42:55.120
filtered because yeah. You know, and, and about the relational stuff. Right. Cause it's like,

649
00:42:55.120 --> 00:43:00.160
I can't cause I, cause I honestly, in my heart of hearts, I think they're great people. Like

650
00:43:00.160 --> 00:43:03.520
I don't have, like, I don't think that they're, I don't think that they're criminal. I don't think

651
00:43:03.520 --> 00:43:07.840
that they did what they were people accused them of. Like I've had front row seats for the last 13

652
00:43:07.840 --> 00:43:13.200
years. They're people of integrity. I truly believe that. I just feel resentment because

653
00:43:13.200 --> 00:43:19.680
I feel like I'm a child of divorce in many ways. And they, you know, did sow seeds of discord after

654
00:43:19.680 --> 00:43:25.440
everything happened. Understandably so. Right. But it was hard for us to carry that turmoil of like

655
00:43:27.280 --> 00:43:30.480
them saying things about this person and you know, all that stuff.

656
00:43:30.480 --> 00:43:35.920
Bear the burden of, of the reconciliation, meaning like the reconciliation of what was being said,

657
00:43:35.920 --> 00:43:41.680
not reconciliation of people. Right. I mean, I think they treated us as friends, which is

658
00:43:41.680 --> 00:43:46.240
typical. I think most adult kids relationships with their parents at some point that happens,

659
00:43:46.240 --> 00:43:50.240
but like, we still needed a mom and dad. Yeah. Well, may it be into me.

660
00:43:52.000 --> 00:43:57.840
I'm still waiting for that. And I'm literally, I mean, Bruce and I literally looked at each other.

661
00:43:57.840 --> 00:44:02.080
I don't know, like a month ago and we're like, Hey, like we need a mom and dad. Like we,

662
00:44:02.080 --> 00:44:06.400
we actually need that. Like we just need to admit to each other. And so that's part of the journey

663
00:44:06.400 --> 00:44:11.120
the Lord is taking us on. Cause like, I'm like, I was so resistant. Like I don't call Graham,

664
00:44:11.120 --> 00:44:14.720
like Graham, we have, we have since developed relationship. Like we've done stuff together

665
00:44:14.720 --> 00:44:18.240
and Graham and Teresa have even recently been like, Hey, if you guys need anything,

666
00:44:18.960 --> 00:44:23.120
which I love. And I think that he can be a mentor to me in like a lot of respects,

667
00:44:23.120 --> 00:44:26.720
like prophetically, like I'm definitely taking advantage of that offer. Right.

668
00:44:26.720 --> 00:44:29.360
However, I can't like sit down with Graham and Teresa and be like,

669
00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:35.760
my parents are driving me crazy because they're friends with them. Right. And I don't want to

670
00:44:35.760 --> 00:44:42.400
cause division because they need friends. Like my parents need friends. Right. So, you know,

671
00:44:42.400 --> 00:44:48.640
like Pedro and Suzette, like amazing couple, but like, Pedro is not going to be my spiritual dad.

672
00:44:48.640 --> 00:44:53.680
He's not trying to be, but it's like, they're friends with Deanna Bridget now. Like we can't,

673
00:44:55.520 --> 00:44:59.840
it's just, it's too many, too many factors. Right. For it's how that's how it feels.

674
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:06.720
right. So anyway, I know I'm saying a lot of things, but all of this makes sense because

675
00:45:06.720 --> 00:45:09.680
you're right. I mean, all of those things are in your heart. All of those things are,

676
00:45:09.680 --> 00:45:17.440
are factors that you're trying to, that effect that, um, I don't know, just this, the situation

677
00:45:17.440 --> 00:45:25.840
affects your emotions affect your, um, your trying to reconcile all of these aspects.

678
00:45:26.640 --> 00:45:30.560
And, um, yeah, no, it makes sense. And then Bridget's like, I really want to join

679
00:45:30.560 --> 00:45:36.080
kingdom messengers. And I'm like, it was really sweet. I was very impressed. She did. I'm like,

680
00:45:36.080 --> 00:45:42.800
wow, that's, that's amazing. It's just another great compliment to Bruce and Lindsay that

681
00:45:42.800 --> 00:45:48.000
his mom would, would, would, you know, trust them enough to join, put her under their

682
00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:52.960
guidance. That's amazing. And I know, I mean, and that's what it looks like to the outside world.

683
00:45:52.960 --> 00:45:56.480
And there's authenticity in that. I just think it's another layer of

684
00:45:58.000 --> 00:46:04.880
infiltration where it's a part of my world is no longer mine because now I have to filter

685
00:46:04.880 --> 00:46:10.720
once again. I see. Yeah. This makes sense. That makes complete sense. Not that I was planning

686
00:46:10.720 --> 00:46:13.920
on getting on until I were talking about my mother-in-law in a negative way to kingdom

687
00:46:13.920 --> 00:46:19.440
messengers, but it's just another place where like, I am to be extra cautious and careful.

688
00:46:20.080 --> 00:46:27.040
I have to, I have to now cover again. I have to cover her again in this, in this place. So,

689
00:46:29.520 --> 00:46:35.280
you know, that there's this, so that's, that's a lot of where the unrest is, is obviously at

690
00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:41.040
a parental level. I think that filters down to sibling levels in many ways, because

691
00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:48.880
I think part of my resentment is, you know, Dionne and Bridget. So I think this is true

692
00:46:48.880 --> 00:46:53.520
for probably any parents. I think, I think it's true, but like, you know, they,

693
00:46:55.920 --> 00:47:02.480
the siblings are not all like unified anymore. We don't hate each other, but we're not all doing

694
00:47:02.480 --> 00:47:06.880
ministry together. Like we were, we don't even have the same view of Jesus. In my opinion. I

695
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:10.400
mean, there's some siblings where I'm like, I don't even know if you believe in Jesus. Like,

696
00:47:11.360 --> 00:47:16.240
yeah. You know, they're like literally posting like Halloween pictures tonight,

697
00:47:16.240 --> 00:47:25.360
like from your favorite Coven or whatever. Like, and making crystal energy healing jewelry. Like,

698
00:47:25.360 --> 00:47:31.440
I, you know, it's just like, and there's part, and like, I'm, I've started to say a few things

699
00:47:31.440 --> 00:47:34.880
because, you know, Bridget and Dionne kind of are like, oh, we're so glad that like everyone's

700
00:47:34.880 --> 00:47:38.080
serving the Lord or, you know, say something like that. And I'm just like, I don't, I mean,

701
00:47:38.080 --> 00:47:44.160
that was true at one time, but I think we have to update our narrative. Like, but then I sound

702
00:47:44.160 --> 00:47:50.240
like a jerk. Right. Because I'm like pointing out, I'm like, I feel like I'm like this older brother,

703
00:47:50.240 --> 00:47:55.760
like, and I'm not, it's not that I'm like, I just want, I just want people, I just want us to like,

704
00:47:56.400 --> 00:48:01.360
acknowledge reality and not deny reality. Like, and I don't want to be,

705
00:48:02.240 --> 00:48:08.560
I don't want to be held up with these people on the same, which is very older brother. Now that I

706
00:48:08.560 --> 00:48:17.040
said, that's hilarious. But it's, I think it, I think I just have to tell the truth, right? Like,

707
00:48:17.040 --> 00:48:20.320
if that's where it's really, if that's where some of the resentment is coming from of like,

708
00:48:21.040 --> 00:48:24.880
look, like we haven't made all the same life choices. We're not carrying all the same weight

709
00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:29.120
right now. It's not that I don't want that to be true. I just, it's not true right now.

710
00:48:29.120 --> 00:48:33.440
It's not true right now. And the more that we pretend that it's true,

711
00:48:33.440 --> 00:48:41.600
then the real issues aren't addressed. Like, I don't want siblings exposed. It's not that

712
00:48:41.600 --> 00:48:52.320
it's just like, I don't, I'm, you know, I don't know. So I think it's, I think the Lord has

713
00:48:52.320 --> 00:48:59.520
started accelerating certain emotions for me and triggers that have been kind of long suppressed

714
00:49:01.440 --> 00:49:07.360
because he's like, we can't move forward in the new season with this baggage,

715
00:49:08.480 --> 00:49:16.400
which I know I just don't feel it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Obviously. And everything it is that I'm

716
00:49:16.400 --> 00:49:21.680
hearing, I'm actually very excited about because it's all, it's all good things. It's all good

717
00:49:21.680 --> 00:49:27.680
things coming. It's all good things. Very specifically for you and Bruce. And so here's

718
00:49:27.680 --> 00:49:31.200
what some of the things that I was hearing, you know, when you were, when you were talking like,

719
00:49:31.200 --> 00:49:35.920
for instance, about your, your, the siblings and everything, and you were like, Oh, I'm so afraid

720
00:49:35.920 --> 00:49:40.560
that that's like very older brother. Well, the interesting thing is about the older brother,

721
00:49:40.560 --> 00:49:44.160
what was the older brother's problem? The older brother was probably his issue.

722
00:49:44.160 --> 00:49:48.240
Wasn't probably that he didn't like his younger brother. It was the fact that his,

723
00:49:48.240 --> 00:49:53.280
his resentment was with his father. And he was just like, why did you do this for them?

724
00:49:53.280 --> 00:49:58.400
But you didn't do this for me. His issue wasn't even be like, well, Lord, you know, you know,

725
00:49:58.400 --> 00:49:59.840
father, you know, do you know?

726
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:03.960
What he's done, you know, are you sure that, that we should allow him back into

727
00:50:03.960 --> 00:50:05.640
our midst and we want to correct this.

728
00:50:05.640 --> 00:50:07.520
His issue was, well, wait just a second.

729
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:08.960
What about you and me?

730
00:50:09.240 --> 00:50:13.120
And so the, the, the really cool and freeing thing is that the

731
00:50:13.120 --> 00:50:15.720
father's answer was you have it.

732
00:50:16.880 --> 00:50:17.660
He's always had it.

733
00:50:17.660 --> 00:50:21.440
So a lot of times what we want you to like, say for instance, of all the siblings

734
00:50:21.440 --> 00:50:23.880
and why it kind of like bothers us.

735
00:50:23.880 --> 00:50:24.800
It's like, well, wait a minute.

736
00:50:24.800 --> 00:50:28.400
You know, you're saying that there that we're all serving the Lord and

737
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:29.680
you're going away just a second.

738
00:50:30.320 --> 00:50:34.040
We're doing these things, but then there is this expression over

739
00:50:34.040 --> 00:50:36.160
here and that's not the same thing.

740
00:50:36.720 --> 00:50:41.800
You know, I, what I believe is going on, you know, you know, in your, in your

741
00:50:41.800 --> 00:50:48.040
heart and, and what is actually the real issue that completely will take care of

742
00:50:48.320 --> 00:50:52.960
this, what feels like resentment towards all of this other stuff is just simply.

743
00:50:53.440 --> 00:50:58.560
Knowing and finally receiving from the Lord, everything it is that's quote

744
00:50:58.560 --> 00:51:05.400
unquote, do you, and I don't mean do, because you have do as in D U E not

745
00:51:05.400 --> 00:51:09.880
because you've done these things and therefore you get a reward, but rather

746
00:51:10.120 --> 00:51:13.120
they are for you and available.

747
00:51:14.040 --> 00:51:19.040
And then, you know, going before the Lord and somehow between you and the

748
00:51:19.040 --> 00:51:23.160
Lord, removing the things that aren't allowing you to receive it.

749
00:51:23.840 --> 00:51:26.960
And, um, and that's no condemnation, you know, true or anything.

750
00:51:26.960 --> 00:51:30.520
I'm just saying, in other words, there's no obstacle, God's not

751
00:51:30.520 --> 00:51:33.200
withholding anything, et cetera.

752
00:51:33.520 --> 00:51:36.800
And so one of the things, again, that I was, that I was hearing when you were

753
00:51:36.800 --> 00:51:40.280
talking about, like, uh, related to, you know, your parents, your parents

754
00:51:40.280 --> 00:51:41.680
have all of these people.

755
00:51:42.120 --> 00:51:45.920
And I believe not that I know what it is, but I believe that there is a way that

756
00:51:45.920 --> 00:51:54.440
God has made provision for you and Bruce to have what it is that you need, because

757
00:51:54.440 --> 00:52:01.360
God is not providing math for your parents and he's not doing it for you.

758
00:52:01.960 --> 00:52:07.200
Where that discrepancy is, is in like why it seems to have been so obviously

759
00:52:07.200 --> 00:52:10.640
manifested for your parents and not for y'all.

760
00:52:10.680 --> 00:52:11.600
I don't know.

761
00:52:11.840 --> 00:52:16.240
I don't know if it's, if it, um, you know, is one of those things where you'd ask,

762
00:52:16.280 --> 00:52:19.560
well, you can just ask the Lord, well, Lord has, have you brought something?

763
00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:21.960
And then I didn't, I didn't see it.

764
00:52:22.200 --> 00:52:24.800
You bring something and I gave it to my parents.

765
00:52:25.400 --> 00:52:31.080
That was for me or, you know, which, which isn't a pass by and

766
00:52:31.080 --> 00:52:32.480
then you don't have anything more.

767
00:52:32.480 --> 00:52:34.640
It's just kind of like, oh, okay.

768
00:52:34.640 --> 00:52:39.360
You mean Lord that you, you did see me and you still see me.

769
00:52:39.360 --> 00:52:41.080
And so there's still something more.

770
00:52:41.320 --> 00:52:43.160
It's not like, oh, well, there's that one chance.

771
00:52:43.160 --> 00:52:45.240
It's like, no, God's just like, there's lots of trees in the garden.

772
00:52:46.080 --> 00:52:49.880
You know, just come to me and I will supply because of there's abundance.

773
00:52:50.320 --> 00:52:51.720
There's always an option.

774
00:52:51.720 --> 00:52:56.440
There's always a way it's not like a, well, that was the one chance.

775
00:52:56.440 --> 00:52:58.640
That was the, that's the world's way of viewing it.

776
00:52:58.920 --> 00:53:04.680
So I believe that there is some way in which there are, there are needs of you

777
00:53:04.680 --> 00:53:11.000
and Bruce to be seen and to be, to be, you know, fathered and mothered, you

778
00:53:11.000 --> 00:53:15.600
know, to be parented and to be able to have that, and then, so I believe

779
00:53:15.600 --> 00:53:20.640
it's just asking the Lord it's agreeing with the Lord that you have it, that

780
00:53:20.640 --> 00:53:22.520
he's made that provision somehow.

781
00:53:23.280 --> 00:53:26.240
And then just being expectant.

782
00:53:26.360 --> 00:53:30.680
I mean, like fully open, expectant, risking disappointment, expectant.

783
00:53:31.480 --> 00:53:35.400
I'm kind of like, okay, God, I know that there's provision somewhere.

784
00:53:36.040 --> 00:53:40.600
And so just to show me Lord open, open our eyes, make provision Lord

785
00:53:40.600 --> 00:53:44.400
for it to actually come in, for it to present itself itself for us to

786
00:53:44.400 --> 00:53:49.920
actually see it, because when you do that, that will trigger and prompt

787
00:53:49.920 --> 00:53:55.880
the thing to come is by opening and making the space for it, it will, it'll

788
00:53:55.880 --> 00:53:56.400
start coming.

789
00:53:56.400 --> 00:53:59.800
So it's when we kind of circle the wagons and close and close things

790
00:53:59.800 --> 00:54:03.800
up, that everything stops and the opportunities stop coming and

791
00:54:03.800 --> 00:54:05.160
the things start being prompted.

792
00:54:05.160 --> 00:54:08.960
In other words, things stop moving in that particular area of our life.

793
00:54:08.960 --> 00:54:10.920
And we're doing it, trying to self protect and act.

794
00:54:10.920 --> 00:54:13.080
And then we're wondering, well, God, why aren't you sending something?

795
00:54:13.400 --> 00:54:16.640
And he was like, well, you, you, you stopped the flow.

796
00:54:17.400 --> 00:54:19.400
You know, we didn't think we were stopping the flow.

797
00:54:19.800 --> 00:54:22.880
We didn't mean to stop anything, but it's that same idea of like the

798
00:54:22.880 --> 00:54:26.040
river flowing through our, through our hands, you know, the water

799
00:54:26.040 --> 00:54:26.720
flowing through our hands.

800
00:54:26.720 --> 00:54:29.960
We get to experience so much more of the river if we keep our hands open.

801
00:54:30.240 --> 00:54:34.320
But as soon as we find something that we think either we love, you know, what

802
00:54:34.320 --> 00:54:39.320
we love, you know, how the spirit is, is manifesting in our lives right

803
00:54:39.320 --> 00:54:40.840
now, and we want to keep it.

804
00:54:41.320 --> 00:54:44.440
And we know that seasons change sometimes, and I don't want this to

805
00:54:44.440 --> 00:54:47.760
change, or we get ahold of this idea and think, oh my goodness, God finally

806
00:54:47.760 --> 00:54:51.600
brought such and such, well, I want to hold on to it to make sure that he

807
00:54:51.600 --> 00:54:56.320
stays pleased with me, or, you know, we do, or what, because we grab ahold of

808
00:54:56.320 --> 00:54:59.920
things for different reasons, or we grab ahold of something fearing that the.

809
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.600
River's about to dry up fearing that, you know, we're about to be without.

810
00:55:03.600 --> 00:55:07.520
So I've got to hold onto this as long as I can, but whatever the reason of us

811
00:55:07.520 --> 00:55:13.160
closing, um, you know, circling the wagons, trying to preserve something

812
00:55:13.360 --> 00:55:16.800
exactly the way that it currently is in our life or in our relationship with

813
00:55:16.800 --> 00:55:19.400
the Lord or whatever, we actually stop.

814
00:55:19.440 --> 00:55:23.240
We actually literally kill the thing by grabbing ahold of it.

815
00:55:23.240 --> 00:55:28.600
So anyway, the, a, a principle of the spirit is that it always has to,

816
00:55:28.720 --> 00:55:30.680
everything always has to stay in motion.

817
00:55:31.040 --> 00:55:34.760
It always has to be flowing in order for it to stay alive in order

818
00:55:34.760 --> 00:55:36.560
for things to keep coming, et cetera.

819
00:55:36.840 --> 00:55:42.440
So, um, sometimes the same principle is like, if you want a, if you want the

820
00:55:42.440 --> 00:55:49.040
Lord to move in a particular way, then you, you start, you start making that

821
00:55:49.040 --> 00:55:51.920
part of your life active again, or.

822
00:55:52.920 --> 00:55:54.440
Um, I don't really know.

823
00:55:54.760 --> 00:56:01.040
Um, this is one way that I was talking to, um, to Ed, we both believe that

824
00:56:01.040 --> 00:56:05.040
eventually the Lord is going to remove this from morning star and

825
00:56:05.040 --> 00:56:06.400
we're just waiting like for when.

826
00:56:06.720 --> 00:56:11.360
Well, one of the things is, um, yesterday or, uh, yesterday we took

827
00:56:11.560 --> 00:56:15.960
mo like most of our tubs that we have, like tub, uh, not Tupperware.

828
00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:16.600
What is that called?

829
00:56:17.240 --> 00:56:21.120
The, the really big ones, you know, the slide, big plastic slide under your bed.

830
00:56:21.120 --> 00:56:24.520
Yeah, the tubs and the big ones and, and like, oh, and then

831
00:56:24.520 --> 00:56:26.360
like really big rubber made ones.

832
00:56:26.360 --> 00:56:31.280
I mean, so there's a lot of like storage stuff, including a lot of like just

833
00:56:31.280 --> 00:56:35.120
material items, clothes and household items, whatever, but I'm specifically

834
00:56:35.120 --> 00:56:36.480
talking about all the storage stuff.

835
00:56:37.400 --> 00:56:42.720
Ed was mentioning, he said, well, you know, um, I was, uh, we were holding

836
00:56:42.720 --> 00:56:46.000
onto all that cause I was just like, well, you know, surely we were wanting,

837
00:56:46.040 --> 00:56:48.400
we're believing that the Lord is calling us to leave at some point.

838
00:56:48.400 --> 00:56:49.720
And we're just kind of like waiting.

839
00:56:50.640 --> 00:56:51.400
And I said, I know.

840
00:56:51.440 --> 00:56:54.000
And so he said, but now we've just let go of stuff.

841
00:56:54.000 --> 00:56:57.240
He's like, well, what if all of the stuff that we were going to move with,

842
00:56:57.560 --> 00:57:00.440
you know, the boxes and the, and the tubs and the whatever.

843
00:57:00.440 --> 00:57:01.600
And I was like, exactly.

844
00:57:02.280 --> 00:57:05.600
I said, I don't think that God was going to move us while we had them.

845
00:57:06.760 --> 00:57:09.280
I think that God's waiting for us to get rid of them.

846
00:57:09.360 --> 00:57:14.400
Because in other words, when you don't have to have it, in other words, when you,

847
00:57:14.800 --> 00:57:20.600
um, God has shown me, he's like, Ashley, you can't stay in a mo always in a mode

848
00:57:20.600 --> 00:57:25.440
of preparation and of anticipation of something in other words, prepared.

849
00:57:25.760 --> 00:57:26.880
For something coming.

850
00:57:27.120 --> 00:57:32.840
He's like, I prep, I make the provision and the preparation for you when it's needed.

851
00:57:33.160 --> 00:57:38.000
So in order for things to get, get moving and for you to start moving in a direction

852
00:57:38.000 --> 00:57:40.520
that you want to have to let go of the preparation.

853
00:57:40.760 --> 00:57:43.280
So I know that that sounds a little strange to mention now, but I believe

854
00:57:43.280 --> 00:57:46.840
it's the same kind of principle of certain things that we're hanging on to.

855
00:57:46.840 --> 00:57:51.480
Sometimes like in, like it could be in y'all's case, because that's what we do

856
00:57:51.480 --> 00:57:53.720
when we hurt is we circle the wagons.

857
00:57:53.720 --> 00:57:59.280
And there's some aspect in which we stop, including taking care of everybody else.

858
00:58:00.400 --> 00:58:05.160
Like we're stifling ourselves in trying to take care of everybody else.

859
00:58:05.160 --> 00:58:10.680
There is a manner of speaking in which if it's not done, if we were, if we were

860
00:58:10.680 --> 00:58:14.920
given a particular grace for it, if there was a particular time, you know, then

861
00:58:14.920 --> 00:58:18.080
that's great, but the time, so to speak.

862
00:58:18.840 --> 00:58:20.000
Kind of ends.

863
00:58:20.320 --> 00:58:25.040
And then if we keep doing it, then it means that there's that there's no flow of

864
00:58:25.040 --> 00:58:27.720
spirit anymore, and we've actually stifled everything.

865
00:58:27.720 --> 00:58:31.240
We've stopped it completely and then nothing can move anymore.

866
00:58:31.520 --> 00:58:32.800
Nothing can heal.

867
00:58:33.000 --> 00:58:38.600
God can't bring in provision for that healing or modalities for the healing,

868
00:58:39.040 --> 00:58:42.400
therapy or spiritual mother and father or whatever.

869
00:58:42.800 --> 00:58:50.440
So I don't know what it is that y'all would feel like with the Lord that y'all

870
00:58:50.440 --> 00:58:59.520
could do in stepping out in anticipation of God moving, but there's some way in

871
00:58:59.520 --> 00:59:02.440
which you'll know between you and the Lord that you need to open, I mean, you

872
00:59:02.440 --> 00:59:06.720
definitely need to open like emotionally and spiritually and kind of like, okay,

873
00:59:06.720 --> 00:59:12.400
God, I'm hurting and I believe that you're going to provide a, some kind of

874
00:59:12.400 --> 00:59:18.560
a, some kind of a, uh, what's the word provision for it, some kind of a

875
00:59:18.560 --> 00:59:26.040
provision for, I'm struggling to kind of like articulate the picture that I'm

876
00:59:26.040 --> 00:59:34.360
getting exactly that I'm experiencing a little bit, you know, we kind of came

877
00:59:34.400 --> 00:59:40.520
into this final quarter of the year with this, I felt prompt from the Lord, like

878
00:59:40.520 --> 00:59:44.360
internal territory was like the word, um, something that we were going to be

879
00:59:44.360 --> 00:59:48.280
walking our advancement group through because, you know, all the stuff you've,

880
00:59:48.400 --> 00:59:52.640
you've heard us talk about, and we obviously don't want to ever lead out of

881
00:59:52.640 --> 00:59:53.000
theory.

882
00:59:53.000 --> 00:59:56.480
So we were like evaluating ourselves, like, okay, where are we in this journey

883
00:59:56.480 --> 00:59:59.960
when it comes to being open to the internal territory, the Lord's building.

884
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.960
us and we felt like a big blockage was this resistance to spiritual fathers and mothers.

885
01:00:08.400 --> 01:00:14.240
Even people at Bethel, just call Bill, Papa Bill, and that nauseates me. That's how,

886
01:00:14.240 --> 01:00:21.120
that's to the depth of aversion I was to, look, people can be my mentors, they can be my friends,

887
01:00:21.120 --> 01:00:24.880
they can be my big brother or big sister in Christ, but I ain't calling them mom and papa.

888
01:00:24.880 --> 01:00:28.960
That's where I was. So Laura was like, hey, that's a block we have to remove.

889
01:00:29.600 --> 01:00:34.800
And then it was just so interesting because it, it made us start to focus on

890
01:00:36.080 --> 01:00:41.760
kind of this final frontier of healing that we've been experiencing measures of healing along the

891
01:00:41.760 --> 01:00:48.320
way, but it was in ice. It was like within, like, we didn't have enough outside voices. I do believe

892
01:00:48.320 --> 01:00:53.680
like the Lord and his grace to us, like Ashley, you coming into my life at the time you came into

893
01:00:53.680 --> 01:00:58.400
my life, even though maybe a couple of weeks, I'm like, I don't know if she was like hired by these

894
01:00:58.400 --> 01:01:03.600
people to like spot on me. You didn't sound suspicious when you interacted with me. I was

895
01:01:03.600 --> 01:01:08.880
like, oh, good, another friend. But I mean, like there, you know, even like Kate Hamilton coming

896
01:01:08.880 --> 01:01:13.680
to my life at a certain time and being just a on the boots connection with Bethel. Like there was

897
01:01:13.680 --> 01:01:19.680
so many things that the Lord set up that has been provisional along the way, but there was this just

898
01:01:20.720 --> 01:01:26.240
kind of like, hey, you guys need to, whatever it takes, like therapy, inner healing, sozo,

899
01:01:26.240 --> 01:01:31.440
like, are you willing to open yourself up to things you might not even understand or be able

900
01:01:31.440 --> 01:01:36.400
to fully like grasp or control? And we're like, yes. And then you're like, hey, I'm going to

901
01:01:36.400 --> 01:01:43.440
gift you the rest intensive, which is amazing. Cause like financially, like as abundant as last

902
01:01:43.440 --> 01:01:48.400
year was a lot of that went to paying off debt and remediating our house. So like it's been,

903
01:01:48.400 --> 01:01:53.600
and then it was like super tight this year. So like financially and spiritually and emotionally,

904
01:01:53.600 --> 01:02:01.040
it was a, such a generous gift, like so amazing. And then when we were in Santa, like we're in

905
01:02:01.040 --> 01:02:05.520
California, Graham and Teresa were like, come to Santa Barbara for a few days. And so we did that.

906
01:02:05.520 --> 01:02:09.760
I, we connected with this lady, Holly, who had actually been in kingdom messengers and she wanted

907
01:02:09.760 --> 01:02:14.880
to gift me one of her sessions, which is like a really, you know, the trauma, you know, physical

908
01:02:14.880 --> 01:02:19.120
healing lady I was telling you about. And then she was like, Hey, like, would you consider a trade?

909
01:02:19.120 --> 01:02:24.240
Cause I need some help with like some online stuff to do like a five session. So then I had

910
01:02:24.240 --> 01:02:30.640
like five sessions that I'm going to be doing with her. I've already done two, like just out of the

911
01:02:30.640 --> 01:02:38.880
blue, the Lord was like, here, take it. And you know, something, so there's been, so I'll have to

912
01:02:38.880 --> 01:02:45.840
say, I feel like, like using your language, which has been so helpful is like, we made a powerful

913
01:02:45.840 --> 01:02:56.480
choice. And then like, it felt like heaven opened up to resource that choice. Yeah. And as you were

914
01:02:56.480 --> 01:03:03.200
talking, I was like, okay, that makes a lot of sense because I think that I was living in this

915
01:03:03.200 --> 01:03:09.840
preservation of relationship, trying to keep people tied to a definition of an old season.

916
01:03:10.720 --> 01:03:16.560
Cause that's how, like, I felt like if we could just get back to this place of like, we're all

917
01:03:16.560 --> 01:03:21.680
doing the same thing. We're all believing the same thing. We're all like, which, you know, it wasn't,

918
01:03:21.680 --> 01:03:27.920
it's an Egypt moment because it wasn't amazing. You know, I know when you look back, you're like,

919
01:03:27.920 --> 01:03:35.120
Oh, but we had meat to eat. It wasn't, it wasn't bad, but there was bondage because we were tied

920
01:03:35.120 --> 01:03:39.840
to a system that was no longer actually serving us, but we had been doing it for our whole lives.

921
01:03:39.840 --> 01:03:46.880
Right. You know, like we were church kids and we were tied to a definition that wasn't serving us

922
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:54.720
anymore. You know, like there's just like all of us, all of us kids, like we, so I think as messy

923
01:03:54.720 --> 01:04:03.120
as the breakout and breakup has been, and maybe part of like this, like line that I crossed back

924
01:04:03.120 --> 01:04:08.640
in September when I was like, I'm not doing this anymore was a release. Like you're saying of like,

925
01:04:08.640 --> 01:04:15.120
we have to let the river flow and I've got to stop doing this because like, this is dead.

926
01:04:15.760 --> 01:04:23.600
I have dead fish in my hands and I need to let it release. And even what you were teaching about

927
01:04:23.600 --> 01:04:29.200
outcomes, like, so stirred me again, because I, I think I was trying to control the outcome.

928
01:04:29.600 --> 01:04:32.160
I was trying to control the narrative. I was trying to,

929
01:04:34.080 --> 01:04:41.520
you know, control the mess. And I, I still, I, I still feel like it's going to get messier

930
01:04:41.520 --> 01:04:47.120
in many ways before it gets better. But I don't want to be the thing that's like

931
01:04:49.360 --> 01:04:56.480
holding it up. And maybe some of my resentment has been that everyone else has got to fully express

932
01:04:56.480 --> 01:04:57.600
their stuff.

933
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:01.640
for better, for worse.

934
01:05:01.640 --> 01:05:03.420
And I never felt that freedom.

935
01:05:06.560 --> 01:05:09.080
So maybe that's where I'm feeling like resentment

936
01:05:09.080 --> 01:05:12.160
is like everyone else got to say their piece and, you know.

937
01:05:12.160 --> 01:05:14.320
Didn't get to, yeah, heal.

938
01:05:14.320 --> 01:05:15.160
Yeah.

939
01:05:15.160 --> 01:05:19.400
There's some healing in openness.

940
01:05:19.400 --> 01:05:23.800
Even though, yeah, we don't wanna be attacking,

941
01:05:24.840 --> 01:05:29.680
there's healing in being open and honest

942
01:05:30.320 --> 01:05:31.160
and whatever.

943
01:05:31.160 --> 01:05:33.320
And so, you know, it's like the same thing, you know,

944
01:05:33.320 --> 01:05:34.840
for instance, that we do with our husbands

945
01:05:34.840 --> 01:05:38.600
is she'd be open and honest not being attacking, you know.

946
01:05:38.600 --> 01:05:43.200
And so it does, it brings healing and et cetera.

947
01:05:43.200 --> 01:05:45.560
And, you know, trying to take care of

948
01:05:45.560 --> 01:05:47.920
and protect everybody else didn't allow you

949
01:05:47.920 --> 01:05:51.760
to have all of the healing in that.

950
01:05:51.760 --> 01:05:53.880
And then of course, everything just gets stifled

951
01:05:53.880 --> 01:05:56.120
and then it festers as opposed to being able

952
01:05:56.120 --> 01:05:57.280
to come up and out.

953
01:05:57.280 --> 01:06:00.640
And yeah, I know that there's a lot of resentment in me

954
01:06:00.640 --> 01:06:03.880
that's built up towards a lot of people over the years.

955
01:06:03.880 --> 01:06:05.680
A lot of people meaning like you've got friends,

956
01:06:05.680 --> 01:06:07.200
you've got family, but then there's other people

957
01:06:07.200 --> 01:06:08.980
that I don't even know.

958
01:06:08.980 --> 01:06:11.120
And yet there's somehow kind of,

959
01:06:11.120 --> 01:06:12.760
I can't even think of an example to give you,

960
01:06:12.760 --> 01:06:15.120
but some kind of a connection that I have with them

961
01:06:15.120 --> 01:06:19.600
that I have realized, you know, that I resent them.

962
01:06:19.600 --> 01:06:21.200
Why on earth would I resent all of these people?

963
01:06:21.200 --> 01:06:24.880
And I realized because I feel that they can be themselves

964
01:06:24.880 --> 01:06:27.800
and I don't give myself the freedom to do so.

965
01:06:27.800 --> 01:06:30.440
And so, yeah, I mean, and then of course, you know,

966
01:06:30.440 --> 01:06:32.040
you don't get to have that,

967
01:06:33.320 --> 01:06:36.520
you don't allow that part of yourself to be exposed

968
01:06:36.520 --> 01:06:39.520
even to yourself, for you to love yourself,

969
01:06:39.520 --> 01:06:42.640
for you to fully accept yourself, et cetera,

970
01:06:42.640 --> 01:06:47.640
let alone to give other people the adult power of choice

971
01:06:48.560 --> 01:06:52.400
to choose to love and be there for you as well.

972
01:06:52.400 --> 01:06:55.000
Not to mention the fact that you being honest

973
01:06:55.000 --> 01:06:57.440
and allowing your spirit to flow through them

974
01:06:57.440 --> 01:07:00.520
is going to be more powerful than any godly

975
01:07:00.520 --> 01:07:04.160
with a lowercase G love that you give them.

976
01:07:04.160 --> 01:07:06.040
Something you try to do for them

977
01:07:06.040 --> 01:07:10.280
is the godly uppercase G spirit giving them

978
01:07:10.280 --> 01:07:12.400
is what is gonna actually help and heal them.

979
01:07:12.400 --> 01:07:14.200
So in other words, my point in saying that

980
01:07:14.200 --> 01:07:17.000
is it frees you from feeling like,

981
01:07:17.000 --> 01:07:18.640
yeah, but I should do this.

982
01:07:18.640 --> 01:07:21.320
Yeah, but it's a godly with a lowercase G love.

983
01:07:21.320 --> 01:07:24.680
In other words, it's some kind of a Christianese thing

984
01:07:24.680 --> 01:07:27.880
that we've adopted of like, you could call it niceness.

985
01:07:27.880 --> 01:07:29.640
You know, the whole thing is like,

986
01:07:29.640 --> 01:07:31.520
Chris talks about niceness.

987
01:07:31.520 --> 01:07:36.520
I like that thing, that story sticks with me so much.

988
01:07:36.640 --> 01:07:38.080
It's so relatable.

989
01:07:38.080 --> 01:07:41.320
Yeah, yeah, it really isn't that.

990
01:07:41.320 --> 01:07:42.360
Ed brought it up the other day.

991
01:07:42.360 --> 01:07:45.280
He's like, you know, when Chris talks about,

992
01:07:45.280 --> 01:07:47.240
you know, that niceness thing.

993
01:07:47.240 --> 01:07:48.640
It's like, I know that kind of like

994
01:07:48.640 --> 01:07:50.760
got everybody off guard.

995
01:07:50.760 --> 01:07:53.400
I was there when he first,

996
01:07:53.400 --> 01:07:57.240
well, I say that when he first said it, maybe not.

997
01:07:57.240 --> 01:07:59.000
I do remember him saying it

998
01:07:59.000 --> 01:08:01.000
when I was at a conference with him in person.

999
01:08:01.000 --> 01:08:03.960
And it was the first time I think I heard him say it.

1000
01:08:03.960 --> 01:08:06.480
And I was just, I was caught off guard.

1001
01:08:06.480 --> 01:08:07.320
I was like, what?

1002
01:08:08.640 --> 01:08:10.000
It was like, it was at that, yeah,

1003
01:08:10.000 --> 01:08:11.680
it was at that thing where he was like at front.

1004
01:08:11.680 --> 01:08:13.840
He was in the same conference retreat center

1005
01:08:13.840 --> 01:08:16.120
that I did mine at later, that internship.

1006
01:08:16.120 --> 01:08:19.200
Yes, okay, I feel like I recognize the background.

1007
01:08:19.240 --> 01:08:21.359
So I was there at his conference.

1008
01:08:21.359 --> 01:08:23.240
Mine was literally the next conference

1009
01:08:23.240 --> 01:08:24.279
at that retreat center.

1010
01:08:24.279 --> 01:08:25.520
Oh my gosh.

1011
01:08:25.520 --> 01:08:26.640
It was literally next one.

1012
01:08:26.640 --> 01:08:28.319
It was like six months later or whatever.

1013
01:08:28.319 --> 01:08:30.080
And they hadn't had a single one in between.

1014
01:08:30.080 --> 01:08:31.160
It was very surprising.

1015
01:08:31.160 --> 01:08:32.399
And they said it was very weird.

1016
01:08:32.399 --> 01:08:33.880
They normally have stuff.

1017
01:08:33.880 --> 01:08:35.479
Maybe it was the whole COVID thing.

1018
01:08:35.479 --> 01:08:39.479
Anyway, point is that he said it and I was just shocked.

1019
01:08:39.479 --> 01:08:42.319
And I was like, I don't know what to do with that.

1020
01:08:42.319 --> 01:08:43.560
I was pointing this out.

1021
01:08:44.439 --> 01:08:45.279
Exactly.

1022
01:08:45.479 --> 01:08:46.520
I know.

1023
01:08:46.520 --> 01:08:49.960
So what part of like the culture is,

1024
01:08:50.960 --> 01:08:55.600
do we accept as Christian when really it's just,

1025
01:08:55.600 --> 01:08:59.560
it's just Christianese, it's not God.

1026
01:08:59.560 --> 01:09:01.200
It's self-preservation.

1027
01:09:01.200 --> 01:09:02.240
Yeah, it really is.

1028
01:09:02.240 --> 01:09:03.080
I mean, that's what it is.

1029
01:09:03.080 --> 01:09:06.600
I realized like, because there's kindness,

1030
01:09:06.600 --> 01:09:08.600
that's a fruit of the spirit, we're called to that.

1031
01:09:08.600 --> 01:09:10.600
But what the difference for me,

1032
01:09:10.600 --> 01:09:12.120
and I don't know if Chris articulated this way,

1033
01:09:12.120 --> 01:09:14.720
but I've just, because I've stirred on that for so long,

1034
01:09:14.880 --> 01:09:15.720
what is the difference?

1035
01:09:15.720 --> 01:09:18.120
For me, it's like, niceness is transactional.

1036
01:09:18.120 --> 01:09:20.479
I am nice to get nice back,

1037
01:09:20.479 --> 01:09:22.760
but kindness has no expectation.

1038
01:09:22.760 --> 01:09:23.600
Correct.

1039
01:09:23.600 --> 01:09:28.600
And I, as someone who has struggled with fear of man,

1040
01:09:31.200 --> 01:09:36.200
social anxiety, like taking cowardness,

1041
01:09:37.120 --> 01:09:39.319
which is a character of Satan himself,

1042
01:09:39.319 --> 01:09:40.479
a characteristic of Satan himself,

1043
01:09:40.479 --> 01:09:43.800
and attaching, to use Chris's words,

1044
01:09:44.640 --> 01:09:47.040
ascribing it to Christ's character,

1045
01:09:48.920 --> 01:09:51.520
that is something that,

1046
01:09:51.520 --> 01:09:56.520
you can apply that to many things in Christian culture,

1047
01:09:56.640 --> 01:09:59.760
where we have taken something straight from the pit of hell

1048
01:09:59.760 --> 01:10:00.600
and been like,

1049
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.500
Like this is Christ-like character.

1050
01:10:01.540 --> 01:10:02.040
Yeah.

1051
01:10:04.620 --> 01:10:06.140
It's very blasphemous, isn't it?

1052
01:10:06.540 --> 01:10:08.020
We don't know that that's what we're doing.

1053
01:10:08.220 --> 01:10:09.860
God is so gracious to us.

1054
01:10:09.900 --> 01:10:10.400
Yeah.

1055
01:10:10.500 --> 01:10:12.540
So gracious and patient with us.

1056
01:10:12.720 --> 01:10:13.220
Oh yeah.

1057
01:10:14.040 --> 01:10:17.980
So you can kind of take before the Lord, like some of the scenarios that you've

1058
01:10:18.140 --> 01:10:23.340
been through, you know, um, and you know, with your, for instance, you know, your

1059
01:10:23.340 --> 01:10:26.620
mother-in-law or could be with a sister-in-law or brother-in-law or whatever.

1060
01:10:27.040 --> 01:10:30.400
And, and just, you know, I don't know.

1061
01:10:30.400 --> 01:10:34.040
You can, you don't have to go through like all particular scenarios, but I was just

1062
01:10:34.040 --> 01:10:39.500
mentioning that as like a possibility or an exercise and just, and just putting

1063
01:10:39.500 --> 01:10:44.240
yourself back, first of all, shifting into remembering who it is that you are.

1064
01:10:44.520 --> 01:10:49.360
The fact that you are fully loved right now, and then you are, um, and you're

1065
01:10:49.360 --> 01:10:53.160
unconditionally, and he's looking on you, he's delighting in you when he values you

1066
01:10:53.160 --> 01:10:55.980
regardless it with, I mean, completely.

1067
01:10:56.460 --> 01:11:01.800
Unconnected to anything it is that you do or don't do or whatever, or what you're

1068
01:11:01.800 --> 01:11:04.740
involved in or have been involved in or how you've handled things or whatever.

1069
01:11:05.040 --> 01:11:09.660
It's just who it is that you are and that you're completely unified with him, that

1070
01:11:09.660 --> 01:11:11.500
you're taken out of him, put back into him.

1071
01:11:11.500 --> 01:11:14.460
You know, you abide in him, he abides in you, you abide in the father,

1072
01:11:14.460 --> 01:11:15.580
the father abides in you.

1073
01:11:16.140 --> 01:11:20.040
And then from that perspective, once you shift into that place, then putting

1074
01:11:20.040 --> 01:11:24.220
yourself back in that situation with your mother-in-law, maybe the most

1075
01:11:24.220 --> 01:11:27.000
recent one, I don't know, and then putting yourself back in there.

1076
01:11:27.000 --> 01:11:32.620
And then from that perspective of wholeness, how would you handle it?

1077
01:11:32.620 --> 01:11:38.940
How would you, you know, when she did or said or whatever, the thing that she did,

1078
01:11:39.860 --> 01:11:46.860
you know, and it's not the wound that, that you, that you have, that

1079
01:11:46.860 --> 01:11:48.320
you, that you're meeting it with.

1080
01:11:48.880 --> 01:11:54.560
It's the wholeness you're meeting with what's the response in order to kind of

1081
01:11:54.560 --> 01:12:01.500
starting to maybe get a different idea of, of, um, uh, how to handle

1082
01:12:01.500 --> 01:12:03.140
those situations in the future.

1083
01:12:03.140 --> 01:12:12.840
Now, what has happened to me is when I, um, when I just continue to in

1084
01:12:13.400 --> 01:12:21.100
entrench myself and anchor myself in, in being completely and unconditionally

1085
01:12:21.100 --> 01:12:26.300
loved by God all the time, like I would think about it all the time, no matter

1086
01:12:26.300 --> 01:12:29.660
what it is I was doing every time I would change to something else or every

1087
01:12:29.660 --> 01:12:34.520
time, you know, from one activity to the next, or I would start to notice

1088
01:12:34.520 --> 01:12:35.840
some negative emotion or whatever.

1089
01:12:35.840 --> 01:12:41.220
I would always shift back to just the fact that I was delighted in, I was

1090
01:12:41.220 --> 01:12:45.240
enjoyed, I was loved completely disconnected to anything it was

1091
01:12:45.240 --> 01:12:46.980
that I was doing or whatever.

1092
01:12:47.260 --> 01:12:52.380
God loves me right now while I'm doing this, not because I'm doing it.

1093
01:12:52.620 --> 01:12:55.860
You just, I happen to be doing this thing and God is looking on

1094
01:12:55.860 --> 01:12:57.380
me and he's delighting in me.

1095
01:12:57.380 --> 01:13:00.380
And then sometimes I would go so far as to, okay, well, and he's

1096
01:13:00.380 --> 01:13:04.860
delighting in the fact that I'm appreciating this aspect of his

1097
01:13:04.860 --> 01:13:08.720
creation by interacting with it in this way or whatever.

1098
01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:13.800
And I would do that all the time so that it's not so that it's like in all the

1099
01:13:13.800 --> 01:13:20.280
good situations, the scary situations, whatever, and then that shifted me at

1100
01:13:20.280 --> 01:13:30.260
such a root level that I began to deal with relational issues and from, without

1101
01:13:30.260 --> 01:13:35.760
even from a, from a healthy and a whole perspective without trying, like in

1102
01:13:35.760 --> 01:13:41.960
other words, I began to respond as a whole and healed person instead of

1103
01:13:41.960 --> 01:13:45.900
having contemplated what I should say in those types of situations and watching

1104
01:13:45.900 --> 01:13:48.920
for those scenarios and making sure that this time I was strong enough.

1105
01:13:48.920 --> 01:13:53.800
And this time I stopped and I remembered, okay, that, that thing that's rising up

1106
01:13:53.800 --> 01:13:55.800
in me, you know, that it's not true.

1107
01:13:56.040 --> 01:13:59.000
And then fighting, it was just, I mean, sure.

1108
01:13:59.000 --> 01:14:01.940
Sometimes that works, but it's exhausting.

1109
01:14:02.040 --> 01:14:02.760
It's it is.

1110
01:14:02.760 --> 01:14:03.720
It's exhausting.

1111
01:14:03.720 --> 01:14:07.220
And then, especially for somebody who has a tendency towards self-doubt and is

1112
01:14:07.220 --> 01:14:10.800
always looking for the rule and is always afraid that there's some aspect of the

1113
01:14:10.800 --> 01:14:15.720
rule or some clause or some writer or some exception that I'm going to forget.

1114
01:14:16.320 --> 01:14:18.400
It's not, it's, it's exhausting.

1115
01:14:18.480 --> 01:14:19.840
It's complicated.

1116
01:14:20.100 --> 01:14:26.600
I doubt myself and I would rather err on the side of, of taking care of someone

1117
01:14:26.600 --> 01:14:33.480
else and taking care of responsibility for their potential response at my own

1118
01:14:33.480 --> 01:14:41.200
detriment than trying to, if, if I have too much doubt, then I always know that.

1119
01:14:41.240 --> 01:14:46.800
Oh, well, in my mind, you know, I just knew, but you know, I always know that

1120
01:14:46.800 --> 01:14:49.000
God will be pleased with me if I cover them.

1121
01:14:49.560 --> 01:14:52.840
I may not have done this right, but at least I did this part, right.

1122
01:14:53.280 --> 01:14:55.120
And God will be okay with me.

1123
01:14:55.120 --> 01:14:58.600
Even if he's not okay with this over here, this is the higher thing, or I don't

1124
01:14:58.600 --> 01:14:59.960
know, whatever I explained to.

1125
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.560
myself, but that's what I ended up doing.

1126
01:15:02.560 --> 01:15:08.280
But, um, so anyway, this just made it easier and I actually became the whole

1127
01:15:08.280 --> 01:15:14.280
person, in other words, the whole, uh, you know, W H O L E the whole person that

1128
01:15:14.280 --> 01:15:17.920
was interacting with this situation and that whole person had a completely

1129
01:15:17.920 --> 01:15:25.920
different perspective and, um, and, and that thing that came at me, just, I saw

1130
01:15:25.920 --> 01:15:30.720
through completely different eyes and it didn't, it didn't knock me off my

1131
01:15:30.720 --> 01:15:31.560
identity.

1132
01:15:32.080 --> 01:15:34.840
It didn't tempt me to believe some lie.

1133
01:15:35.040 --> 01:15:35.960
I was perfectly fine.

1134
01:15:37.160 --> 01:15:39.200
And, and that was just easier.

1135
01:15:39.560 --> 01:15:43.920
Um, it was more, it's more effortless and doing that whole thing of like always

1136
01:15:43.920 --> 01:15:46.960
choosing that no matter what I was doing, I was in the shower, I was getting

1137
01:15:46.960 --> 01:15:49.120
ready, I was putting on my makeup, I was making breakfast.

1138
01:15:49.120 --> 01:15:54.760
I was, I was sitting down at my computer to learn more about business and look at

1139
01:15:54.800 --> 01:15:56.880
another webinar and try another thing.

1140
01:15:56.880 --> 01:16:02.560
And, and I don't know, go on Facebook and answer people's, you know, messenger

1141
01:16:02.640 --> 01:16:04.200
questions or requests or whatever.

1142
01:16:04.680 --> 01:16:09.040
And I would, I would always do it from this approach that, okay, I'm completely

1143
01:16:09.040 --> 01:16:10.880
loved, there's nothing wrong with me.

1144
01:16:11.520 --> 01:16:18.120
And I'm not trying to create a specific outcome that my survival is dependent

1145
01:16:18.120 --> 01:16:23.560
on is if my survival is dependent on my actions, God says that that's not true.

1146
01:16:23.560 --> 01:16:24.840
So that's what I'm going to choose.

1147
01:16:24.840 --> 01:16:28.680
And so therefore I'm going to take the pressure off of myself and off of my

1148
01:16:28.680 --> 01:16:31.360
action, and so now I'm just going to enjoy it.

1149
01:16:31.800 --> 01:16:33.600
And I had much more freedom.

1150
01:16:33.640 --> 01:16:34.960
I had much more clarity.

1151
01:16:34.960 --> 01:16:36.880
I actually worked faster.

1152
01:16:36.880 --> 01:16:38.000
I had more motivation.

1153
01:16:38.000 --> 01:16:39.120
I could get more done.

1154
01:16:39.120 --> 01:16:39.920
I could learn more.

1155
01:16:39.920 --> 01:16:42.200
I could expose myself more to more.

1156
01:16:42.200 --> 01:16:46.720
I could remember more of what I was learning and being exposed to just

1157
01:16:46.720 --> 01:16:48.520
simply because all of the pressure was off.

1158
01:16:48.680 --> 01:16:53.760
And so by doing that, I, I was, I was making a choice at a deeper and deeper

1159
01:16:53.760 --> 01:16:58.040
and deeper level, basically taking that choice and like ingraining it further

1160
01:16:58.040 --> 01:17:03.520
down into my DNA so that that, so that I was changing myself, so to speak into

1161
01:17:03.520 --> 01:17:07.400
this whole person and that whole person was going to interact in all kinds of

1162
01:17:07.400 --> 01:17:10.680
situations, some of them were going to be in those old relational situations

1163
01:17:10.680 --> 01:17:13.760
that had triggered wounds and now they were no longer triggering them.

1164
01:17:14.040 --> 01:17:18.720
And other, and then that same whole person was also because I had been made

1165
01:17:18.760 --> 01:17:20.840
whole by continuing to choose that.

1166
01:17:20.840 --> 01:17:24.360
What God said about me at a very basic level that he loves me and

1167
01:17:24.360 --> 01:17:25.320
that I'm unified with him.

1168
01:17:25.320 --> 01:17:27.320
Sometimes it was just that basic.

1169
01:17:27.720 --> 01:17:32.400
I could go and make and make decisions about what kind of actions that

1170
01:17:32.400 --> 01:17:37.080
I needed to do elsewhere in business or in finance or with another relationship.

1171
01:17:37.400 --> 01:17:39.400
It just, it fixed everything.

1172
01:17:39.560 --> 01:17:41.280
Everything just became clearer.

1173
01:17:41.280 --> 01:17:46.640
Then it became clear as to how to spiritually mature in various areas, but

1174
01:17:46.840 --> 01:17:51.640
by hitting it at that root level, it started fixing all kinds of things

1175
01:17:51.640 --> 01:17:56.360
without me having to focus individually on each one and try to make progress.

1176
01:17:56.760 --> 01:17:59.000
It was the route that they were all attached to.

1177
01:17:59.000 --> 01:18:02.840
So they all advanced as a result of me doing that.

1178
01:18:03.200 --> 01:18:08.040
And, um, as opposed to me trying to figure out, okay, specifically, okay.

1179
01:18:08.920 --> 01:18:09.200
Okay.

1180
01:18:09.200 --> 01:18:10.800
Let's put myself back in that situation.

1181
01:18:10.800 --> 01:18:11.040
Okay.

1182
01:18:11.040 --> 01:18:11.880
How did I handle it?

1183
01:18:11.880 --> 01:18:12.280
Okay.

1184
01:18:12.320 --> 01:18:14.000
Now, what kind of a lie was that?

1185
01:18:14.320 --> 01:18:16.000
What should I replace it with?

1186
01:18:16.160 --> 01:18:20.760
How should I remember when I'm emotionally triggered again, remember

1187
01:18:20.760 --> 01:18:23.320
what it is that I'm just now reminding myself, oh, you know what?

1188
01:18:23.320 --> 01:18:24.320
I need to write it down.

1189
01:18:24.560 --> 01:18:25.560
That's what I need to do.

1190
01:18:25.560 --> 01:18:30.840
And I need to put it in a room that it's likely to be close to or in my phone or

1191
01:18:30.840 --> 01:18:34.040
in my purse and like, I'm sorry, mom, just a moment.

1192
01:18:34.080 --> 01:18:34.960
I'll be right back.

1193
01:18:35.000 --> 01:18:39.760
And then I come and look at, I mean, it's just, it's just, it's just too much.

1194
01:18:39.840 --> 01:18:43.520
So, um, it, it can work and it does work.

1195
01:18:43.560 --> 01:18:44.680
It's just very slow.

1196
01:18:44.680 --> 01:18:46.760
And it honestly just doesn't deal with the root issue.

1197
01:18:46.760 --> 01:18:53.920
We're just battling the enemy, so to speak on his, um, on his own, uh, at his own level.

1198
01:18:54.200 --> 01:18:54.360
Yeah.

1199
01:18:54.360 --> 01:18:56.560
It's like punch for punch at the, yeah.

1200
01:18:56.560 --> 01:19:01.320
At the soul level, which is, he knows which he knows the spiritual laws and rules.

1201
01:19:01.600 --> 01:19:05.440
And so if I try to learn the same spiritual laws and rules, whoever knows

1202
01:19:05.440 --> 01:19:12.040
them better and, and fights with them more strongly and is more up to them wins.

1203
01:19:13.240 --> 01:19:13.680
Oh my word.

1204
01:19:13.680 --> 01:19:16.000
It's so much easier to just shift up here.

1205
01:19:16.440 --> 01:19:20.480
Uh, but the thing is that that requires vulnerability, right?

1206
01:19:20.560 --> 01:19:24.840
A vulnerability at a level that we all like, and we all think that we can do

1207
01:19:24.880 --> 01:19:27.320
until we're actually faced with actually doing it.

1208
01:19:27.320 --> 01:19:29.720
And then we find all the things that we, it requires, and we

1209
01:19:29.720 --> 01:19:30.920
don't want to let go of them.

1210
01:19:31.280 --> 01:19:32.040
Like, oh my goodness.

1211
01:19:32.040 --> 01:19:33.000
But then this could happen.

1212
01:19:33.000 --> 01:19:37.240
Or God could ask this of me, or I'm finally seeing things about myself.

1213
01:19:37.240 --> 01:19:39.760
I really don't want to see, and I definitely don't want God to see them.

1214
01:19:40.200 --> 01:19:42.040
And we can all talk about it.

1215
01:19:42.040 --> 01:19:44.440
I mean, you know how this is, we can all talk about it and we all

1216
01:19:44.440 --> 01:19:45.640
know what we're supposed to do.

1217
01:19:45.640 --> 01:19:50.640
But apparently by how we're living our life, we're in resistance

1218
01:19:50.640 --> 01:19:52.520
against being that vulnerable.

1219
01:19:52.880 --> 01:19:57.960
So anyway, the thing is though, that if we, if we actually do that, it's so

1220
01:19:57.960 --> 01:19:59.960
much easier to deal with all these things.

1221
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.880
And that, that inner wounding and that trigger that I told you that I always use and say,

1222
01:20:04.880 --> 01:20:07.080
hey, you know, I was working with it on my identity.

1223
01:20:07.080 --> 01:20:10.080
And then I found myself, the reason I, the way I found out that,

1224
01:20:10.320 --> 01:20:18.360
that doing that effortlessly heals inner wounds, when I found myself in situations

1225
01:20:18.360 --> 01:20:23.880
and didn't even know that I was being, that those were all triggers until I looked back

1226
01:20:23.880 --> 01:20:26.400
on it later and look, wait a minute, that person's identity.

1227
01:20:26.800 --> 01:20:31.440
Those were actually wounds that I had had with my mom.

1228
01:20:32.640 --> 01:20:36.520
And, and those are, and I'm saying that, you know, you're with your mother-in-law,

1229
01:20:36.520 --> 01:20:41.080
those are really, really deep, like very sensitive wounds.

1230
01:20:41.680 --> 01:20:46.960
And those go back, you know, for, for both of us, they go back, you know,

1231
01:20:46.960 --> 01:20:48.480
years and years and years and years.

1232
01:20:49.160 --> 01:20:53.360
And, and I know that yours have gotten more intense more recently and that

1233
01:20:53.360 --> 01:20:55.720
you're questioning whether they'd exist in the beginning.

1234
01:20:56.000 --> 01:20:59.280
And I think that they did exist in the beginning, especially if you're questioning

1235
01:20:59.280 --> 01:21:02.560
it, if you're like, I'm wondering, has this always been there?

1236
01:21:02.560 --> 01:21:06.920
If you're wondering, I can almost guarantee you that it's always been there.

1237
01:21:07.160 --> 01:21:13.520
It's just that it's gotten probably more exacerbated because it was a wound that

1238
01:21:13.520 --> 01:21:23.040
has been heightened in exposure due to her due to her just becoming a lot thinner,

1239
01:21:23.720 --> 01:21:28.680
meaning in like, in like a, the buffer that she can use to kind of hide it

1240
01:21:28.680 --> 01:21:33.080
because there's been so many triggers to come up, et cetera, that, you know,

1241
01:21:33.080 --> 01:21:38.280
you're not, we're not, we're not God to all of those people.

1242
01:21:38.600 --> 01:21:40.080
That's not our role.

1243
01:21:40.200 --> 01:21:44.040
In other words, we can be free from that and not her mom.

1244
01:21:44.400 --> 01:21:46.000
So you can be free from that.

1245
01:21:46.760 --> 01:21:48.760
You are her daughter.

1246
01:21:49.440 --> 01:21:51.080
And that's, that's your role.

1247
01:21:51.160 --> 01:21:58.280
Now, the thing is though, that if that is not the role in which she's interacting

1248
01:21:58.280 --> 01:22:05.480
with you, well, then that is a, in other words, if she's, I don't know how to put

1249
01:22:05.480 --> 01:22:13.760
this, um, that, that our roles with other people have to be mutually agreed upon.

1250
01:22:14.480 --> 01:22:19.800
So, and they have both said, I'm sorry, I mean, to cut you off, but which was a

1251
01:22:19.800 --> 01:22:24.440
trigger for me, but they both, they both recently said like, Hey, we want to be

1252
01:22:24.440 --> 01:22:29.280
your friends to Bruce and I, like, we want to move into friendship with you guys.

1253
01:22:30.400 --> 01:22:37.160
And I was like, I think I'm sitting there and I'm like trying to decipher,

1254
01:22:37.200 --> 01:22:39.120
like, is this how it's supposed to be?

1255
01:22:40.240 --> 01:22:45.680
Like, I just, you know, and it's not to their credit.

1256
01:22:45.720 --> 01:22:49.400
It's not something that we have either one of us have told them, like,

1257
01:22:49.400 --> 01:22:51.160
actually, we just want you to be our mom and dad.

1258
01:22:51.200 --> 01:22:54.960
Like, maybe that's a conversation that needs to take place, but a couple of

1259
01:22:54.960 --> 01:23:00.080
different occasions, like I would say in the last couple of months, they've brought

1260
01:23:00.080 --> 01:23:00.440
that up.

1261
01:23:00.440 --> 01:23:04.120
Like, yeah, we're just, you know, we just want to be like, we realized we're moving

1262
01:23:04.120 --> 01:23:06.640
into a season where we want to be front, be your friends.

1263
01:23:07.080 --> 01:23:17.360
And I'm like, okay, it's just, it's bizarre in that.

1264
01:23:17.360 --> 01:23:21.240
I think part of the, I'm sorry.

1265
01:23:21.240 --> 01:23:22.680
I just realized what time it is.

1266
01:23:22.960 --> 01:23:23.760
No, I'm fine.

1267
01:23:24.000 --> 01:23:26.160
Um, no, I'm really sorry.

1268
01:23:26.160 --> 01:23:27.960
I meant to, I want to honor your time.

1269
01:23:28.040 --> 01:23:30.320
Um, Steve France, just chatting.

1270
01:23:31.640 --> 01:23:36.440
I think what makes me feel like sometimes am I the problem is because I sit in a

1271
01:23:36.440 --> 01:23:41.160
situation like that and I, and I, I trust them to a degree where I'm like, you know,

1272
01:23:41.200 --> 01:23:42.160
they have a lot of wisdom.

1273
01:23:42.160 --> 01:23:43.240
They have a lot of experience.

1274
01:23:43.240 --> 01:23:46.400
Like maybe this is how it's supposed to be.

1275
01:23:47.280 --> 01:23:49.880
Maybe I shouldn't question this or fight it.

1276
01:23:50.680 --> 01:23:54.280
And at the other, and then like, I walk away and I'm like, pissed

1277
01:23:57.960 --> 01:24:01.960
because you're wanting someone to lean on.

1278
01:24:01.960 --> 01:24:02.440
Right.

1279
01:24:02.760 --> 01:24:03.920
I think that's what it is.

1280
01:24:03.920 --> 01:24:08.480
But, but at the same time, this is why I feel crazy sometimes, Ashley, at the same

1281
01:24:08.480 --> 01:24:13.080
time, because of what we've been through, like, I don't feel like I can lean on them.

1282
01:24:13.320 --> 01:24:14.360
That's what I was wondering.

1283
01:24:14.360 --> 01:24:15.880
I was like, isn't that bizarre?

1284
01:24:15.880 --> 01:24:22.320
Like it's like, yeah, it's like, I don't, I, I, I wouldn't be able to be open in a

1285
01:24:22.320 --> 01:24:24.200
way that I wouldn't be able to do that anymore.

1286
01:24:24.240 --> 01:24:28.000
I don't even feel like I can do that with my own parents because I feel like, I mean,

1287
01:24:28.000 --> 01:24:28.840
I love them.

1288
01:24:28.880 --> 01:24:36.200
I know they love me, but I feel like I've outgrown some of the, there's aspects that

1289
01:24:36.200 --> 01:24:39.560
I feel like, like when I had Hannah, I like, I needed my mom.

1290
01:24:40.000 --> 01:24:43.680
I mean, like I was like, I need, I need some proximity.

1291
01:24:43.680 --> 01:24:45.280
Like we'd Marco Polo it every day.

1292
01:24:45.280 --> 01:24:49.760
Cause I was just like, and she was great in that role and other roles.

1293
01:24:49.760 --> 01:24:56.760
I feel like I have to be very careful because, um, I feel like she can be easily

1294
01:24:56.760 --> 01:24:58.280
offended on my behalf.

1295
01:24:58.320 --> 01:25:00.000
I feel like she has her own.

1296
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.160
wounds from like her actual divorced parents that, you know, like, so there's,

1297
01:25:04.800 --> 01:25:08.960
so there is a level of friendship with my mom that I'm like, we're, we're peer level and,

1298
01:25:08.960 --> 01:25:13.840
and some things, and I've, I've learned to accept that for better, for worse.

1299
01:25:13.840 --> 01:25:16.560
I feel like with Bridget and Dion, I feel like there is,

1300
01:25:20.080 --> 01:25:22.800
which I could say for myself, but there's some blind spots.

1301
01:25:23.760 --> 01:25:24.560
Yeah.

1302
01:25:24.560 --> 01:25:30.720
They think that they have a level of connection with us that is not actually there.

1303
01:25:31.360 --> 01:25:31.860
Yeah.

1304
01:25:32.640 --> 01:25:33.600
Does that make sense?

1305
01:25:33.600 --> 01:25:35.440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1306
01:25:35.440 --> 01:25:39.200
But at the same time, I'm like, I don't know if we've had a, I don't know if we've had a,

1307
01:25:40.000 --> 01:25:43.920
a blunt enough conversation with them to even shed light on that.

1308
01:25:43.920 --> 01:25:51.680
Like maybe, maybe we're helping with that facade that they think that, but I, I don't feel like

1309
01:25:51.680 --> 01:25:57.440
we're actively trying to like, we were not like, Oh yeah. Like, I mean, literally I was silent when

1310
01:25:57.440 --> 01:26:02.000
they were like, we just really want to, I just kind of was like, cause I couldn't, it's like,

1311
01:26:02.000 --> 01:26:10.160
it's gotten to the point where I don't want to lie to them. So I'm pretty quiet, but it,

1312
01:26:10.160 --> 01:26:11.520
cause I also don't want to tell the truth.

1313
01:26:12.560 --> 01:26:15.360
Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Yeah. That's what I do.

1314
01:26:16.320 --> 01:26:20.720
So I don't want to be honest, but am I, am I honesty would be something that would be,

1315
01:26:20.720 --> 01:26:26.320
you know, not cool to say I just am silent in my silence. A lot of times it's taken as agreement,

1316
01:26:26.320 --> 01:26:27.280
which I would have not been.

1317
01:26:27.280 --> 01:26:30.640
That's exactly what it is. So I, and then I'm like, I am part of the problem.

1318
01:26:33.600 --> 01:26:39.200
Right there with you. I know. I'm sorry. Well, one of the things that, you know, with your,

1319
01:26:39.200 --> 01:26:44.720
with, with your parents is it could be that I could be misunderstanding this, but I,

1320
01:26:44.720 --> 01:26:50.160
I believe that this is honestly how it works is that, I mean, unless people do this,

1321
01:26:50.160 --> 01:26:56.480
because they're like trying to, what does that heal a rift between them and their kids

1322
01:26:56.480 --> 01:27:05.600
where their kids are, are, are rebelling against them as being in a mom and dad role.

1323
01:27:05.600 --> 01:27:08.960
And so the parents are like trying to bridge the gap. Hey, we'd love to be your friends.

1324
01:27:08.960 --> 01:27:14.240
In other words, to kind of diffuse any kind of feeling. So, so there's that situation,

1325
01:27:14.240 --> 01:27:19.680
but that not feeling like the case here. I think that what it is, is that is them

1326
01:27:19.680 --> 01:27:25.840
feeling that connection with y'all is there is something that y'all have that they,

1327
01:27:25.840 --> 01:27:30.480
that they want, that they believe that they're at or where they want to be like

1328
01:27:30.480 --> 01:27:36.400
spiritually or in your perspective or in like what your life spiritually or physically or

1329
01:27:36.400 --> 01:27:41.520
professionally looks like it's developing into is something that they have a connection with either

1330
01:27:41.520 --> 01:27:46.880
in that they believe that they're either living out or that they believe is possible and that

1331
01:27:46.880 --> 01:27:50.880
they are heading towards. And so they feel that connection with you and that's what they're

1332
01:27:50.880 --> 01:27:55.760
offering, but it doesn't mean that y'all have that. I mean, that they have what y'all need.

1333
01:27:56.560 --> 01:28:02.000
Yeah. So that they're looking at your life and they're feeling the connection because of how

1334
01:28:02.000 --> 01:28:07.600
they view themselves and where they want to go. But it doesn't mean that, that y'all view their

1335
01:28:07.600 --> 01:28:14.160
lives the same as them being or going where y'all are or want to go. And so that's where there can

1336
01:28:14.160 --> 01:28:20.880
be that bit of a difference. So it just shows you like their perspective, you know, and a great

1337
01:28:20.880 --> 01:28:26.240
compliment and how it is that they view y'all and their, their connection to y'all, but relationships

1338
01:28:26.240 --> 01:28:33.840
are always a two-way street where they are, they literally only interact at, at the point at which

1339
01:28:33.840 --> 01:28:40.480
both sides agree. So if this side wants a relationship way past over here, but this side

1340
01:28:40.560 --> 01:28:47.440
won't let them come past here, then that's where it's, that's where it stops that the difficulty.

1341
01:28:47.440 --> 01:28:52.480
I mean, that's where the relationship is. The difficulty is that these people can get,

1342
01:28:52.480 --> 01:28:56.800
I don't want to say resentment. They can get resentment. They can get hurt. We can get

1343
01:28:56.800 --> 01:29:01.280
whatever, anybody who wants more than what the other wants to give or what the other will allow

1344
01:29:01.280 --> 01:29:07.040
in, you know, can get little, depending on how aware they are that that's actually happening.

1345
01:29:07.040 --> 01:29:13.760
They can get frustrated, et cetera, because they are not living in acknowledgement of where the

1346
01:29:13.760 --> 01:29:19.440
real boundary is. They're in a manner of speaking, not that we do this on purpose, but in a manner

1347
01:29:19.440 --> 01:29:24.160
of speaking, they're not respecting the other person's boundary boundaries way back here.

1348
01:29:24.160 --> 01:29:31.360
And they're trying to offer way up here. So all that y'all have to do is just to hold your boundary

1349
01:29:31.360 --> 01:29:38.080
where it is as opposed to filling, as opposed to, you know, letting your boundary be pushed to where

1350
01:29:38.080 --> 01:29:41.920
they want it. They can want this all they want. They can offer this much of themselves all they

1351
01:29:41.920 --> 01:29:49.440
want, but it doesn't obligate y'all to reciprocate because if, you know, if they're ignoring or in

1352
01:29:49.440 --> 01:29:55.680
denial of where y'all have placed a boundary. And so then y'all can make the choice about like,

1353
01:29:55.680 --> 01:29:59.120
whether you want that to be your boundary and then y'all have to.

1354
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:10.880
you know, put it there in order for it to be not real. I don't know why I'm struggling so much with

1355
01:30:10.880 --> 01:30:17.120
with my words. I'm just going to really have to pray about that. But anyway, so in order for,

1356
01:30:18.880 --> 01:30:23.680
in order for that to really be where the boundary is and for y'all to basically have a right to it.

1357
01:30:24.400 --> 01:30:28.320
So if you're, if you're pushing the bound, if you're allowing the boundary to be pushed here

1358
01:30:28.320 --> 01:30:39.760
and you want it here, then we can't in, in all honesty, be resentful of this. If this is where

1359
01:30:39.760 --> 01:30:45.200
we've put the boundary, even though we want it here, we have to put it here. Yeah. That's right.

1360
01:30:46.480 --> 01:30:50.800
Yeah. Which it's really hard to do all this. Sounds great. Just talking about it right now.

1361
01:30:50.800 --> 01:30:56.480
I mean, I think, but the way that was really helpful because I think what I, what I struggle

1362
01:30:56.480 --> 01:31:04.720
with in Bruce is feeling the right to make a boundary. Oh yeah. It's the right, it's, you know,

1363
01:31:04.720 --> 01:31:10.400
and I think that's part of like where some of my like tips have been with siblings because

1364
01:31:10.400 --> 01:31:16.080
you said you're the oldest too. Are you the oldest? It's responsibility for everybody.

1365
01:31:16.080 --> 01:31:19.680
And then like your younger siblings do things. And I was like, I didn't even know that was allowed.

1366
01:31:19.680 --> 01:31:23.520
Like they like make decisions or like, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. I'm like,

1367
01:31:23.520 --> 01:31:30.160
oh, I didn't know we were allowed to like, it's exactly like, okay.

1368
01:31:34.480 --> 01:31:38.640
We're like, how old are we? We're like our little, our younger siblings are like in their

1369
01:31:39.200 --> 01:31:43.280
you know, mid thirties and we're going, yeah, you're, you're making a decision like that for

1370
01:31:43.280 --> 01:31:47.200
your family. That's allowed. Exactly. Like when you, I was cracking up. Cause when you're talking

1371
01:31:47.200 --> 01:31:50.480
about your sister-in-law being like, well, I'm going to do stockings anyway. I'm like, oh,

1372
01:31:50.480 --> 01:31:53.760
like that is a perfect example of, you know, on a minor scale,

1373
01:31:53.760 --> 01:31:58.160
but also major implications for everyone else. Like, oh, I didn't know we could just do that.

1374
01:32:02.400 --> 01:32:08.080
I know, I know. And my sister and I, we tried to, to, you know, to do a compromise and all of that.

1375
01:32:08.080 --> 01:32:11.760
And I knew what I was doing at the time, but at the same time, you know, to allow it,

1376
01:32:12.400 --> 01:32:17.280
but I thought at the same time, you know, I was just kind of like, yeah,

1377
01:32:17.280 --> 01:32:21.120
but isn't this Godly compromise anyway, I've learned things since then.

1378
01:32:22.000 --> 01:32:28.800
I know. And I think, and I think I've got, I, I, I think I've got a lot of catch up maybe

1379
01:32:28.800 --> 01:32:34.960
is the wrong word, but there's been a lot of history of me doing that and then, and then

1380
01:32:34.960 --> 01:32:43.040
being resentful and like everyone else is like doing their thing. Right. And I think I have to,

1381
01:32:43.040 --> 01:32:48.720
I mean, I so appreciate what you said about kind of releasing yourself from needing to strategize

1382
01:32:48.720 --> 01:32:53.920
about responses and reactions and all that stuff. I do feel like an anchor that the Lord gave me was

1383
01:32:53.920 --> 01:32:58.160
like, you are going to learn how to respond according to who you are, not react according

1384
01:32:58.160 --> 01:33:05.040
to what everyone else is doing. But that level of delight and love, like that's such a great anchor

1385
01:33:05.040 --> 01:33:13.920
because I feel, I totally agree with you. I think that will manifest healing at such a rapid rate

1386
01:33:15.280 --> 01:33:19.520
that me strategizing and being like, okay, when this person says this thing, I'm going to say this

1387
01:33:19.520 --> 01:33:25.280
thing or, but I, I have to discover who I am again. Cause there's, I think there's been a lot

1388
01:33:26.400 --> 01:33:29.840
that I've like, there's a lot about myself that I just have lost touch with

1389
01:33:30.800 --> 01:33:38.400
in this season. And I have to like, like who is, who is Lindsay in this circumstance? Who

1390
01:33:38.400 --> 01:33:43.360
is Lindsay in this scenario? Because I haven't allowed her to fully be expressed.

1391
01:33:44.480 --> 01:33:47.760
That's not me like losing it on people or freaking out or anything. It's just

1392
01:33:48.480 --> 01:33:54.960
me feeling the right to a boundary, to a response, to a belief

1393
01:33:55.920 --> 01:34:02.480
that may or may not be agreed upon or accepted by everyone. Yeah.

1394
01:34:03.760 --> 01:34:09.600
What is Lindsay really want when she's not obligated? Yeah. When she doesn't feel the

1395
01:34:09.600 --> 01:34:17.280
obligation. And that is like an extremely, that feels very risky. Totally agree.

1396
01:34:17.760 --> 01:34:27.760
That scares me too. I know, but that at the same time, I know it's, it's same time. It's,

1397
01:34:28.400 --> 01:34:33.600
I mean, it's tremendously freeing. And the thing is that's why I keep talking the other day. And

1398
01:34:33.600 --> 01:34:40.080
so I would recommend this to you as well, that you have to choose you because they can't, you know,

1399
01:34:40.080 --> 01:34:45.200
that whole idea of like, do I have the right to create my own boundary? Do I have the right to

1400
01:34:45.200 --> 01:34:48.720
whatever? Well, for one thing, one of the things that we're concerned about when we choose

1401
01:34:48.720 --> 01:34:54.640
ourselves or, or we choose, you know, and realize and try to acknowledge to ourselves, the fact that

1402
01:34:54.640 --> 01:34:59.840
we have a right to making our own boundaries, it can feel very selfish because we feel like.

1403
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:05.320
Well, for one thing, it can only be, um, it can only that there's, there's a

1404
01:35:05.320 --> 01:35:10.760
limited amount in, so if I take some, that means less for everyone else is

1405
01:35:10.760 --> 01:35:12.040
what it kind of like feels like.

1406
01:35:12.040 --> 01:35:16.040
In other words, there's, there's lack in the situation and there's,

1407
01:35:16.120 --> 01:35:17.320
and someone's going to get hurt.

1408
01:35:18.000 --> 01:35:20.960
So I might as well absorb the hurt because there's hurt to be had

1409
01:35:20.960 --> 01:35:22.320
and hurt has to go somewhere.

1410
01:35:22.560 --> 01:35:23.600
So I might as well absorb it.

1411
01:35:23.600 --> 01:35:24.360
Well, that's bogus.

1412
01:35:24.840 --> 01:35:30.720
So, but, um, but anyway, that, um, Oh, where was I going with that?

1413
01:35:31.240 --> 01:35:32.200
It was very important.

1414
01:35:33.720 --> 01:35:35.480
Um, Oh yeah.

1415
01:35:35.520 --> 01:35:36.320
Choosing yourself.

1416
01:35:36.400 --> 01:35:41.560
So in choosing yourself, it's, it's, we can feel that it's selfish, but

1417
01:35:41.560 --> 01:35:46.120
actually when you do it from the perspective first, that you are loved

1418
01:35:46.640 --> 01:35:52.080
and you're unified with the Lord there's in you and you choose yourself.

1419
01:35:52.760 --> 01:35:57.800
After you choose that you are fully loved and you fully receive the fact

1420
01:35:57.800 --> 01:36:04.240
that there's nothing that you are completely delighted in without any

1421
01:36:04.240 --> 01:36:08.160
connection whatsoever to what it is that you do or have done or what decisions

1422
01:36:08.160 --> 01:36:12.920
that you made or will make, or have a tendency to make, like a lot of times

1423
01:36:12.920 --> 01:36:15.880
we'll judge ourselves even without, even without looking at our past or

1424
01:36:15.880 --> 01:36:17.840
present by our tendencies.

1425
01:36:17.840 --> 01:36:21.560
And we think that, well, yeah, but if I was in this situation, I typically

1426
01:36:22.080 --> 01:36:25.640
make that, that, um, uh, this, this type of a judgment call.

1427
01:36:26.040 --> 01:36:29.640
And therefore we identify ourselves as our tendencies.

1428
01:36:30.280 --> 01:36:33.440
And we think that that's, and then we can more, and then we try

1429
01:36:33.440 --> 01:36:35.320
to attach God's love to that.

1430
01:36:35.480 --> 01:36:39.960
And God's like, no, you, that has to be completely avoided, devoid of that

1431
01:36:39.960 --> 01:36:44.080
too, of your tendency to do this and your likelihood of doing that, et cetera.

1432
01:36:44.600 --> 01:36:47.720
And so it's, it's very challenging, but it's important for us to do that.

1433
01:36:47.720 --> 01:36:54.160
And then once we choose, once we choose the fact chooses our reality that we

1434
01:36:54.160 --> 01:37:02.200
exist in complete love, uh, disconnected from anything that we do or don't do,

1435
01:37:02.200 --> 01:37:07.160
or have a tendency towards, then we choose ourselves in that place.

1436
01:37:07.320 --> 01:37:08.480
We realize, oh, wow.

1437
01:37:08.840 --> 01:37:12.720
You know, I'm currently really special simply because God says

1438
01:37:12.720 --> 01:37:14.240
that I, and he delights in me.

1439
01:37:14.240 --> 01:37:18.800
So, wow, that's a specialness, not because of what I've done or what I will

1440
01:37:18.800 --> 01:37:23.720
do or what I'm likely to do, or, or have a tendency to do or say or feel or think.

1441
01:37:24.400 --> 01:37:30.040
Um, but just that I am then when we start operating from that type of a choice of

1442
01:37:30.040 --> 01:37:36.160
ourselves, we're less likely to create hurt and destruction as opposed to what

1443
01:37:36.160 --> 01:37:39.680
I've had to talk to the people in the rest intensive about, which is like,

1444
01:37:39.680 --> 01:37:44.000
okay, if you can't choose the Lord's love and his union, and you're struggling

1445
01:37:44.000 --> 01:37:46.200
with that, choose yourself.

1446
01:37:46.920 --> 01:37:53.840
Um, you, I think that it's healthier to do the other one first, before you choose

1447
01:37:53.840 --> 01:37:58.000
yourself, because you're choosing yourself in place of love, then you have

1448
01:37:58.000 --> 01:38:00.200
a tendency to operate more from Christ spirit.

1449
01:38:00.400 --> 01:38:05.480
We have a tendency to, to be very messy when we're choosing ourselves,

1450
01:38:05.480 --> 01:38:11.600
discovering ourselves, if we, um, in interacting in situations newly as

1451
01:38:11.600 --> 01:38:15.720
having chosen ourselves, if we haven't founded our choice in the fact

1452
01:38:15.720 --> 01:38:17.240
that we are completely loved.

1453
01:38:18.560 --> 01:38:22.840
So that has a tendency to create more destruction and more, I don't want to

1454
01:38:22.840 --> 01:38:28.440
see destruction, but be a very messy growth process, kind of like a child,

1455
01:38:28.480 --> 01:38:32.520
kind of like a teenager who goes through rebellion has a tendency to create more

1456
01:38:32.520 --> 01:38:37.840
destruction than, you know, and then another teenager who still goes through

1457
01:38:37.840 --> 01:38:42.560
the same questions and self-doubt and, you know, feeling self-conscious with

1458
01:38:42.560 --> 01:38:46.000
their friends and questions about peers and they're being offered drugs in

1459
01:38:46.000 --> 01:38:50.320
school, et cetera, if they know that they're fully, the fully loved that's

1460
01:38:50.480 --> 01:38:55.280
that, that is hard enough to navigate when you're fully loved, but when you

1461
01:38:55.280 --> 01:39:00.120
don't know who you are and you're just trying to get some sense of self, then

1462
01:39:00.120 --> 01:39:02.480
operating, it's, it's just a lot messier.

1463
01:39:02.520 --> 01:39:04.600
Can you both end up in the same place?

1464
01:39:04.600 --> 01:39:05.120
Sure.

1465
01:39:05.160 --> 01:39:06.560
One is just a lot messier.

1466
01:39:06.560 --> 01:39:09.040
And the reason that I gave that to people is for the same

1467
01:39:09.040 --> 01:39:11.520
reason that teenagers rebel.

1468
01:39:11.560 --> 01:39:16.000
It's the, it's the, it's the closest thing they can grab ahold of because

1469
01:39:16.000 --> 01:39:17.520
they can't grab ahold of the other yet.

1470
01:39:17.800 --> 01:39:20.920
Some, some kids, some kids can grab ahold of the deeper thing.

1471
01:39:21.160 --> 01:39:22.160
Some kids can't.

1472
01:39:22.560 --> 01:39:25.640
And so that I just give someone something.

1473
01:39:26.160 --> 01:39:26.400
Okay.

1474
01:39:26.400 --> 01:39:29.320
If you can't, if that's too big of a gap, if that's too big of a

1475
01:39:29.320 --> 01:39:31.640
leap, what can you grab ahold of?

1476
01:39:32.040 --> 01:39:35.480
And then God will provide them a safe environment to not have to bear as

1477
01:39:35.480 --> 01:39:40.000
heavy of the consequences as their actions would normally create.

1478
01:39:40.400 --> 01:39:41.960
Um, because he knows that they're learning.

1479
01:39:42.800 --> 01:39:45.520
And so he's going to try to protect them, but it is still messy.

1480
01:39:45.880 --> 01:39:49.560
And people, people have it, or are going to have a greater

1481
01:39:49.560 --> 01:39:53.520
tendency of being hurt, you know, et cetera, that we're not, we're just

1482
01:39:53.520 --> 01:39:55.400
like, we're not responsible for the outcome.

1483
01:39:55.400 --> 01:39:59.760
We're not responsible for people's responses when we operate out.

1484
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:03.760
of ourselves, operate out of our wholeness,

1485
01:40:03.760 --> 01:40:05.680
operate out of who it is that we are.

1486
01:40:06.720 --> 01:40:07.720
So anyway.

1487
01:40:07.720 --> 01:40:09.620
That's really good.

1488
01:40:09.620 --> 01:40:11.900
Yeah, I'm just connecting a lot of dots right now.

1489
01:40:11.900 --> 01:40:13.800
Cause I feel like as you were speaking

1490
01:40:13.800 --> 01:40:14.640
and you're talking about,

1491
01:40:14.640 --> 01:40:17.120
I just realized how programmed I am

1492
01:40:17.120 --> 01:40:19.600
with that responsibility mindset.

1493
01:40:19.600 --> 01:40:24.600
I feeling responsible of people's experiences

1494
01:40:25.040 --> 01:40:28.340
and I think I've tied that,

1495
01:40:28.340 --> 01:40:31.300
it hasn't come from a place of,

1496
01:40:31.300 --> 01:40:36.160
it hasn't come from love, it's come for love.

1497
01:40:36.160 --> 01:40:38.300
Like I've been trying to do that

1498
01:40:38.300 --> 01:40:41.720
so that God would continue to love me, bless me,

1499
01:40:41.720 --> 01:40:44.560
be proud of me and how I've handled the situation.

1500
01:40:44.560 --> 01:40:46.980
Look how Lord I've handled the situation.

1501
01:40:46.980 --> 01:40:48.980
Look how I've emptied the enemy's hands.

1502
01:40:50.540 --> 01:40:52.300
I haven't given him a foothold.

1503
01:40:52.300 --> 01:40:56.020
I haven't, you know, I haven't taken the bait of offense

1504
01:40:56.020 --> 01:41:01.020
and I think the resentment is I didn't believe

1505
01:41:03.340 --> 01:41:06.140
that people were taking that responsibility for me.

1506
01:41:06.140 --> 01:41:08.860
Yeah, correct.

1507
01:41:08.860 --> 01:41:11.100
And I'm not saying that was true.

1508
01:41:11.100 --> 01:41:13.580
I'm sure there's been people that were trying to do that

1509
01:41:13.580 --> 01:41:16.740
in their own ways, but that's kind of why,

1510
01:41:16.740 --> 01:41:18.740
and parents included, like, you know,

1511
01:41:18.740 --> 01:41:21.920
feeling like they were saying what they wanted to say

1512
01:41:21.920 --> 01:41:24.860
when they wanted to say it and airing their stuff

1513
01:41:24.900 --> 01:41:27.580
and, you know, saying how they felt about the situation.

1514
01:41:27.580 --> 01:41:32.580
And I was just like trying to keep everything contained.

1515
01:41:32.740 --> 01:41:36.820
Right, and so that's fascinating that you put it that way

1516
01:41:36.820 --> 01:41:41.060
because you then, in a manner of speaking,

1517
01:41:41.060 --> 01:41:46.060
manner of speaking, you were like a child that was with a,

1518
01:41:46.300 --> 01:41:48.820
and I'm not saying this about your parents-in-law,

1519
01:41:48.820 --> 01:41:51.360
I'm just trying to make a, paint a picture here.

1520
01:41:51.360 --> 01:41:55.480
It's similar to a child being in a position with like,

1521
01:41:55.480 --> 01:41:58.200
say, a parent that comes home drunk

1522
01:41:58.200 --> 01:42:00.560
and then you feel like you have,

1523
01:42:00.560 --> 01:42:04.000
that you as the child are now having to become the parent.

1524
01:42:04.000 --> 01:42:05.640
You know, you haven't eaten,

1525
01:42:05.640 --> 01:42:07.840
your brothers and sisters haven't eaten,

1526
01:42:07.840 --> 01:42:10.160
you know, your parent hasn't eaten,

1527
01:42:10.160 --> 01:42:12.560
they can't function, they can't take care of this,

1528
01:42:12.560 --> 01:42:14.560
or let's not use a drunk situation.

1529
01:42:14.560 --> 01:42:17.960
You know, a parent who's sick, who's like bedridden,

1530
01:42:17.960 --> 01:42:19.200
can't take care of themselves.

1531
01:42:19.200 --> 01:42:24.200
You inappropriately have to become the parent

1532
01:42:25.000 --> 01:42:28.160
to care for the child and that creates trauma

1533
01:42:28.160 --> 01:42:31.960
because things are out of order of what God intended.

1534
01:42:31.960 --> 01:42:35.120
And so even though y'all were adults,

1535
01:42:35.120 --> 01:42:38.800
there's a manner in which even back then, you know,

1536
01:42:38.800 --> 01:42:42.800
I'm sure that maybe y'all saw them even more as your parents

1537
01:42:42.800 --> 01:42:46.200
and leaned more on them as like mother and father

1538
01:42:46.200 --> 01:42:48.600
that y'all would go to for stuff

1539
01:42:48.600 --> 01:42:52.360
than maybe you feel like you need or want to now.

1540
01:42:52.360 --> 01:42:56.760
And then if in that situation, the roles were reversed

1541
01:42:56.760 --> 01:42:58.280
or you felt that they were,

1542
01:42:58.280 --> 01:43:00.040
regardless of whether or not they were,

1543
01:43:00.040 --> 01:43:02.400
you took on that responsibility.

1544
01:43:02.400 --> 01:43:07.400
So therefore you experienced that,

1545
01:43:07.680 --> 01:43:12.600
you experienced the trauma of the roles being reversed.

1546
01:43:12.600 --> 01:43:14.280
Whether someone forced you into that role

1547
01:43:14.280 --> 01:43:15.520
or you chose that role,

1548
01:43:15.520 --> 01:43:18.960
you then experienced the trauma of a reversal of roles

1549
01:43:18.960 --> 01:43:20.720
because it wasn't intentional.

1550
01:43:20.720 --> 01:43:23.760
So, I mean, because it's not intentional by God

1551
01:43:23.760 --> 01:43:27.160
for that to happen and for you to have to carry that.

1552
01:43:27.160 --> 01:43:32.120
So you were carrying things that God never intended for you.

1553
01:43:32.120 --> 01:43:37.080
And so you are now bearing the consequences

1554
01:43:37.080 --> 01:43:39.720
of having to heal from something

1555
01:43:39.720 --> 01:43:44.320
that you rightly were never having,

1556
01:43:44.320 --> 01:43:48.240
was never forced on you or held accountable,

1557
01:43:48.240 --> 01:43:51.800
held that God never held you accountable for.

1558
01:43:51.800 --> 01:43:54.640
And I don't mean that to your shame or anything.

1559
01:43:54.640 --> 01:43:55.680
It's not that kind of thing.

1560
01:43:55.680 --> 01:43:59.000
It's like what you went through

1561
01:43:59.000 --> 01:44:01.240
and what you're feeling is that bad.

1562
01:44:02.120 --> 01:44:05.440
It wasn't, and here's my point, it wasn't natural.

1563
01:44:05.440 --> 01:44:06.440
Yeah.

1564
01:44:06.440 --> 01:44:08.320
And so it wasn't natural from God.

1565
01:44:08.320 --> 01:44:10.960
And you're like, I don't know why I can't handle this.

1566
01:44:10.960 --> 01:44:13.160
I don't know why I can't have,

1567
01:44:13.160 --> 01:44:15.280
I can't be handling this better.

1568
01:44:15.280 --> 01:44:17.320
I don't know why I'm hurt so bad.

1569
01:44:17.320 --> 01:44:20.360
It's been so long and there's this,

1570
01:44:20.360 --> 01:44:21.840
that this should have been enough for me,

1571
01:44:21.840 --> 01:44:22.800
you know, et cetera, et cetera.

1572
01:44:22.800 --> 01:44:25.760
No, what you went through was that bad.

1573
01:44:25.760 --> 01:44:27.120
That's what I'm trying to paint.

1574
01:44:27.120 --> 01:44:28.200
I'm not trying to say that,

1575
01:44:28.200 --> 01:44:29.200
hey, you've done something wrong.

1576
01:44:29.200 --> 01:44:30.520
I'm trying to say what you,

1577
01:44:30.520 --> 01:44:32.640
the experience that you went through

1578
01:44:32.640 --> 01:44:37.640
really was so unnatural that it creates that trauma.

1579
01:44:38.600 --> 01:44:40.880
And it's part of, it's a role reversal.

1580
01:44:41.720 --> 01:44:44.080
And then that is really hard to heal from,

1581
01:44:44.080 --> 01:44:46.160
you know, between you and like your parents.

1582
01:44:46.160 --> 01:44:49.880
And, you know, it's hard to feel and put and have

1583
01:44:49.880 --> 01:44:51.960
and need them in the place of parents anymore

1584
01:44:51.960 --> 01:44:55.680
and see them that way when you had to parent them,

1585
01:44:55.680 --> 01:44:57.920
when you had to protect them and take care of them

1586
01:44:57.920 --> 01:44:58.760
and et cetera.

1587
01:44:58.760 --> 01:45:00.080
So everything.

1588
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:03.120
thing that you're going through is it makes sense.

1589
01:45:03.400 --> 01:45:07.540
In fact, I think it makes more sense than you're even allowing yourself to

1590
01:45:07.540 --> 01:45:12.540
admit. And that's why you're so hurt and don't understand is because it's,

1591
01:45:13.600 --> 01:45:18.600
it's worse than even maybe that you've admitted or known to yourself that it

1592
01:45:20.640 --> 01:45:24.120
was, it was more traumatic.

1593
01:45:24.520 --> 01:45:29.080
It was worse. It really was bad. What it is that you had to go through.

1594
01:45:29.520 --> 01:45:32.440
And and so anyway, there's,

1595
01:45:32.480 --> 01:45:35.280
there's a reason why it hurts that bad.

1596
01:45:35.600 --> 01:45:40.200
It's justified is my point. There's reason for their space.

1597
01:45:40.640 --> 01:45:43.000
And that's really, that's helpful.

1598
01:45:44.680 --> 01:45:47.640
Total side note, but, and you've probably heard me talk about this,

1599
01:45:47.640 --> 01:45:49.480
but it came up when it,

1600
01:45:49.840 --> 01:45:51.880
I was reminded of it when you were talking about the,

1601
01:45:51.920 --> 01:45:54.880
about the lawsuit and about how you just felt like, okay,

1602
01:45:54.880 --> 01:45:58.360
well it ended a couple of months ago and now it feels like there's this war and

1603
01:45:58.360 --> 01:46:01.720
now there's all of this residual carnage and all this time of healing.

1604
01:46:02.640 --> 01:46:04.920
What happened to us is when we,

1605
01:46:04.960 --> 01:46:09.960
I remember getting the phone call and from my we went through this with my best

1606
01:46:11.760 --> 01:46:15.640
friend and her husband. And so that's what it is that I had worked for.

1607
01:46:15.680 --> 01:46:18.720
And so they both called me and they said, Hey, actually, by the way,

1608
01:46:18.720 --> 01:46:20.680
this is what's happened. They've just settled,

1609
01:46:20.760 --> 01:46:22.880
agreed to settle out of court. They're drawing up the papers.

1610
01:46:23.880 --> 01:46:28.880
And, and my boss was just saying, you know, you know,

1611
01:46:29.440 --> 01:46:32.920
one of my best friends, he said, Ashley, this is really,

1612
01:46:32.920 --> 01:46:35.840
really hard because they put us through hell.

1613
01:46:36.520 --> 01:46:40.200
We didn't do the things that they accused us of because they'd accused him of

1614
01:46:40.200 --> 01:46:44.720
like embezzlement, all this stuff, you know, and then they put,

1615
01:46:44.760 --> 01:46:48.280
and then after a while, because they couldn't get to him after six months,

1616
01:46:48.400 --> 01:46:53.240
they couldn't get him to like admit it and to pay them money and all that.

1617
01:46:53.240 --> 01:46:56.680
Cause he was like, no, I haven't done any of that. Then they thought, you know,

1618
01:46:56.680 --> 01:46:58.600
what, I bet you that we can get to him.

1619
01:46:58.640 --> 01:47:03.360
If we put his wife and Ashley, who was, I was his only employee at the time.

1620
01:47:04.880 --> 01:47:09.880
He put his wife and Ashley on on the lawsuit as co-conspirators.

1621
01:47:11.400 --> 01:47:15.120
So that's how that happened. So anyway, it was, they were just like horrible.

1622
01:47:15.120 --> 01:47:19.440
And so anyway, the, uh, we went through a lot of bads, a lot of bad stuff.

1623
01:47:19.440 --> 01:47:23.200
And he was just saying, they've just, they've attacked us.

1624
01:47:23.880 --> 01:47:25.040
So personally,

1625
01:47:25.200 --> 01:47:29.040
these are people that we spent more time with than our own families.

1626
01:47:29.400 --> 01:47:32.080
We pour into these people. We went to their birthday parties.

1627
01:47:32.080 --> 01:47:35.080
They cried out to us a bit and they came to us for advice when they were

1628
01:47:35.080 --> 01:47:38.840
wondering whether or not they should have an abortion or, you know, they,

1629
01:47:38.880 --> 01:47:41.200
you know, they were wondering how to handle this, that, and the other.

1630
01:47:41.200 --> 01:47:46.000
And we were their counselors, like so familiar.

1631
01:47:46.840 --> 01:47:49.880
I know that's why when you were talking to us, like, this is scary.

1632
01:47:50.200 --> 01:47:51.280
And maybe you were talking about, you know,

1633
01:47:51.280 --> 01:47:53.480
it feels like very surreal because we were,

1634
01:47:53.520 --> 01:47:56.360
we were doing this and we were standing right next to the people who were like

1635
01:47:56.360 --> 01:47:59.960
suing us. And I was just like, this just sounds so weird.

1636
01:48:00.360 --> 01:48:03.560
Because one of our teammates betrayed us to the company,

1637
01:48:03.840 --> 01:48:05.360
betrayed us meaning what lied.

1638
01:48:07.760 --> 01:48:11.160
And then when you go back and you look at situations that you were in while he

1639
01:48:11.160 --> 01:48:13.680
was like trying to drum up stuff, you're going,

1640
01:48:14.120 --> 01:48:18.800
I always thought that was weird or I felt weird in that situation.

1641
01:48:18.800 --> 01:48:21.240
I started questioning him and I was like, actually, what's wrong with you?

1642
01:48:21.240 --> 01:48:22.320
Why, why question him?

1643
01:48:22.320 --> 01:48:26.760
Why think that he just because he put his phone down upside down on the table

1644
01:48:26.760 --> 01:48:28.920
while you, while the three of y'all are having a meeting,

1645
01:48:29.200 --> 01:48:32.280
why did your mind go to, I wonder if he's recording this,

1646
01:48:32.600 --> 01:48:34.840
where did that come from? That's out of nowhere.

1647
01:48:35.680 --> 01:48:37.520
It was that kind of thing. And looking back,

1648
01:48:37.880 --> 01:48:41.040
the reason why I had that thought is because the Holy spirit planted it.

1649
01:48:41.360 --> 01:48:43.000
Cause that's exactly what he was doing.

1650
01:48:43.240 --> 01:48:47.200
So all kinds of really weird stuff like that point is you find yourself kind of

1651
01:48:47.200 --> 01:48:49.040
like in this twilight zone where you're going,

1652
01:48:49.520 --> 01:48:52.520
where you finally grow up and realize, no,

1653
01:48:52.520 --> 01:48:54.160
that doesn't just happen in movies.

1654
01:48:54.680 --> 01:48:59.000
All of this stuff in movies really does happen to real people.

1655
01:48:59.760 --> 01:49:02.800
And even good people are sued, not just the bad people. I mean,

1656
01:49:02.800 --> 01:49:06.560
that was another thing for us, but the point is I didn't mean to go into all

1657
01:49:06.560 --> 01:49:09.680
that. The point is it was just, it was very hurtful and all of that.

1658
01:49:09.680 --> 01:49:12.960
And so Mike said, Ashley, I don't understand.

1659
01:49:13.160 --> 01:49:17.960
They put us through so much hell. What? And now we're just suddenly out of court.

1660
01:49:18.560 --> 01:49:19.760
Nobody's exchanging hands.

1661
01:49:19.760 --> 01:49:24.600
We don't even get to prove publicly that cause we were about to get a

1662
01:49:24.600 --> 01:49:27.480
jury trial. And so all this was going to come out very publicly.

1663
01:49:27.480 --> 01:49:31.680
And so basically we could like defend our name to the public because they were

1664
01:49:31.680 --> 01:49:34.080
coming after us from client to client,

1665
01:49:34.080 --> 01:49:39.080
trying to threatening their clients if if they didn't get rid of us,

1666
01:49:39.560 --> 01:49:42.480
if they didn't like break contract with us and whatever. So sure enough,

1667
01:49:42.480 --> 01:49:46.280
one of our con, one of our clients who was one of Mike's best friends,

1668
01:49:46.280 --> 01:49:47.120
by the way,

1669
01:49:47.560 --> 01:49:51.200
moved us out of their company because of the threats that they were getting.

1670
01:49:53.480 --> 01:49:57.080
So familiar. It's so nuts. Somebody, there was, there was all of that.

1671
01:49:57.080 --> 01:49:59.920
And so he was just like, we don't even get.

1672
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:06.960
defend the truth. And so it was like, I don't understand why, what is God doing? And why is

1673
01:50:06.960 --> 01:50:12.640
it like this? And so we hung up and I started praying and, and it's like, Lord, you know,

1674
01:50:12.640 --> 01:50:15.920
what is this? You know, what's going on? Cause I was perfectly at peace. And I thought this

1675
01:50:15.920 --> 01:50:21.360
is fascinating. I'm at peace and Mike's not. Um, and so I'm, you know, praying about it.

1676
01:50:21.360 --> 01:50:26.320
And all of a sudden God said, cause it was never about you. It was never about y'all.

1677
01:50:27.200 --> 01:50:34.160
It was always about them and what it was. And, and they've got, they've got major things that

1678
01:50:34.160 --> 01:50:39.520
needed that just bubble to the surface and that this lawsuit all brought out. And he said, y'all

1679
01:50:39.520 --> 01:50:46.800
were a catalyst that could be put in a situation to trigger something that was already in existence,

1680
01:50:46.800 --> 01:50:52.800
but wasn't fully coming to, wasn't rising to its fullness. And he said, I could put you there

1681
01:50:52.800 --> 01:50:58.480
because I knew I, that you could, that you could be put in a situation and not be affected. In

1682
01:50:58.480 --> 01:51:04.480
other words, not be corrupted by the solution. And so everything exploded around you and yes,

1683
01:51:04.480 --> 01:51:09.920
it affected you, but it didn't corrupt you. It didn't change who you were because you were solid

1684
01:51:09.920 --> 01:51:15.840
enough in me that you were one who could be in this situation to trigger and your presence.

1685
01:51:15.840 --> 01:51:22.160
That's all it is. Your presence triggered the thing that existed elsewhere. So he said, that's

1686
01:51:22.160 --> 01:51:27.680
why I put y'all there. Um, you know, you didn't tell me like he'd like caused it or anything. He

1687
01:51:27.680 --> 01:51:31.360
was just telling me, Ashley, y'all were the catalyst. It wasn't about you. So that's why

1688
01:51:31.360 --> 01:51:36.800
it feels anticlimactic. So I don't know if that's what it is with y'all's situation or if that

1689
01:51:36.800 --> 01:51:41.520
brings any like help or healing in any of our conversations with the Lord about like, Lord,

1690
01:51:42.160 --> 01:51:46.160
there is this horrible, horrible war. And there's all of these casualties,

1691
01:51:46.160 --> 01:51:52.320
including our own relationships with other people. What what's, what's going on? You know,

1692
01:51:52.320 --> 01:51:58.800
what are you doing in S or whatever? And God just kind of showed me, Ashley, y'all grew and y'all

1693
01:51:58.800 --> 01:52:06.000
were strengthened in me as a result. But this whole thing wasn't even about you. It was because I could

1694
01:52:06.000 --> 01:52:13.920
trust you. It's like, okay, then I can take that. So, and it wasn't though, until for another several

1695
01:52:13.920 --> 01:52:19.600
years that were, I could forgive them. And we're meaning like, I didn't feel animosity towards them,

1696
01:52:20.160 --> 01:52:29.120
but there was a, there was a, a trigger of, of trauma. Every time I saw the name of the street

1697
01:52:29.120 --> 01:52:34.960
that we had worked on, every time I passed it on the highway, I'd see it and I'd get anxious.

1698
01:52:35.760 --> 01:52:42.240
So weird, because I was so strong during the whole lawsuit thing. I'm like, why? And so my

1699
01:52:42.240 --> 01:52:48.320
point is, you know, you said that there's so much fallout and, and, and, and hurt in y'all's

1700
01:52:48.320 --> 01:52:58.000
relationships, et cetera. And y'all's relationships were a lot more complex and challenging than ours

1701
01:52:58.000 --> 01:53:02.000
were. I mean, we didn't go to church with these people or anything. Now, some of those people came

1702
01:53:02.000 --> 01:53:09.760
to the Lord through us, et cetera. But we, it, that, you know, that's it, our situation didn't,

1703
01:53:09.760 --> 01:53:14.560
you know, just look too different than y'all's. It didn't have that layer of Christian complexity

1704
01:53:14.560 --> 01:53:20.720
in church and leadership and platform and all of that stuff. But anyway, my point is that I,

1705
01:53:22.000 --> 01:53:29.440
I was surprised that the, that the residue that I had to deal with from the lawsuit was the

1706
01:53:29.440 --> 01:53:37.600
relationships because during it, I was fine. I was fine with the people. I could love them in my heart.

1707
01:53:37.600 --> 01:53:44.400
I could love on them in the, when I saw them in court, I could do all kinds, you know, and I went

1708
01:53:44.400 --> 01:53:48.800
and go, went to visit with all of them and check on them and check on their children and see how

1709
01:53:48.800 --> 01:53:53.360
they were doing and make sure that they were feeling good. And they, they were just, you know,

1710
01:53:53.360 --> 01:53:58.080
very, they were very scared. They were just like, why, you know, is the lawyer going to be okay with

1711
01:53:58.080 --> 01:54:01.760
us talking to her? You know, well, because they knew what they were doing. They knew that what

1712
01:54:01.760 --> 01:54:07.360
they were doing was wrong. I even wouldn't talk to the guy who betrayed us. So how's your wife

1713
01:54:07.360 --> 01:54:13.520
and how's your kids and, and all of that. And, and so, et cetera. So I was very strong,

1714
01:54:13.520 --> 01:54:20.240
but afterwards for years, I wasn't. And so anyway, the Lord eventually healed me,

1715
01:54:20.240 --> 01:54:24.880
but it was the relationships that were so hard. It was that fallout as a result.

1716
01:54:24.880 --> 01:54:31.040
But so I don't know what that y'all's, you know, the issue was, you know, with y'all's situation,

1717
01:54:31.040 --> 01:54:35.520
as far as like spiritually, what everything it is that God was doing and that was being done

1718
01:54:35.520 --> 01:54:43.440
and accomplished, et cetera. And I hope that, that everybody, you know, including, including

1719
01:54:43.440 --> 01:54:50.160
your parents and Bruce having be in that all day, every day, I can't imagine for at least a year.

1720
01:54:50.160 --> 01:54:57.840
Right. Yeah. I mean, Bruce, and I think that's where eight months. Yeah. It was, it was about a,

1721
01:54:57.840 --> 01:54:59.920
it was a year. So.

1722
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:05.000
almost a year, yeah, almost a year of him just,

1723
01:55:05.420 --> 01:55:07.940
and that was when, you know,

1724
01:55:07.940 --> 01:55:11.100
panic attacks were emerging, anxiety,

1725
01:55:11.100 --> 01:55:12.580
had to call the ambulance one night

1726
01:55:12.580 --> 01:55:14.140
because he was having a panic attack.

1727
01:55:14.140 --> 01:55:15.900
Strong, steady Bruce, who like.

1728
01:55:15.900 --> 01:55:16.740
Yeah.

1729
01:55:16.740 --> 01:55:21.500
And so I think that's on his behalf too.

1730
01:55:21.500 --> 01:55:22.340
Yeah.

1731
01:55:22.340 --> 01:55:25.860
I've struggled because he ate a lot of dirt

1732
01:55:26.240 --> 01:55:30.100
and I feel like both spiritual dads and dad,

1733
01:55:30.100 --> 01:55:31.140
you know, dad, dad,

1734
01:55:33.740 --> 01:55:35.940
for years put a lot of weight on him

1735
01:55:35.940 --> 01:55:38.220
because he was, you know, mature.

1736
01:55:39.780 --> 01:55:44.780
And it was like they needed him when they needed him

1737
01:55:44.820 --> 01:55:48.420
and when it was like useful to them, you know?

1738
01:55:48.420 --> 01:55:49.260
Correct.

1739
01:55:49.260 --> 01:55:52.340
So that is something too I'm walking through with the Lord

1740
01:55:52.340 --> 01:55:56.040
because, you know, I was in my need

1741
01:55:56.040 --> 01:55:57.340
to control the narrative.

1742
01:55:57.340 --> 01:56:00.060
I don't think I was allowing Bruce at times

1743
01:56:00.060 --> 01:56:01.760
to fully express.

1744
01:56:02.960 --> 01:56:04.700
And so, and I've stopped doing that.

1745
01:56:04.700 --> 01:56:06.220
Like, and I even went to Bruce and I was like,

1746
01:56:06.220 --> 01:56:07.600
look, this, I repent.

1747
01:56:07.600 --> 01:56:11.480
Like you, you can say whatever you want about people,

1748
01:56:11.480 --> 01:56:14.160
you know, like, you know,

1749
01:56:14.160 --> 01:56:15.040
cause he would just, it would be,

1750
01:56:15.040 --> 01:56:17.540
it would be things like, you know,

1751
01:56:17.540 --> 01:56:20.880
the senior pastor would like text him on his birthday

1752
01:56:20.880 --> 01:56:21.720
with like a word.

1753
01:56:21.720 --> 01:56:22.900
And Bruce was like, I'm not responding.

1754
01:56:22.900 --> 01:56:24.660
And I'm like, oh my God, you have to respond.

1755
01:56:24.660 --> 01:56:26.060
Like, we're okay.

1756
01:56:26.060 --> 01:56:26.900
Like, you know what I mean?

1757
01:56:26.900 --> 01:56:27.900
And he's like, no, he doesn't.

1758
01:56:27.900 --> 01:56:29.660
He owes him nothing.

1759
01:56:29.660 --> 01:56:30.500
He owes him nothing.

1760
01:56:30.500 --> 01:56:31.720
Like if he doesn't want to respond,

1761
01:56:31.720 --> 01:56:33.900
if he doesn't want to play the game anymore.

1762
01:56:33.900 --> 01:56:37.500
And so, so this weekend will be interesting

1763
01:56:37.500 --> 01:56:40.420
because I'm hosting a, for my brother's wife,

1764
01:56:40.420 --> 01:56:43.020
my sister-in-law is having a baby, miracle baby.

1765
01:56:43.020 --> 01:56:46.980
We're very excited, but I'm hosting a shower at the church.

1766
01:56:48.060 --> 01:56:49.380
Oh, really?

1767
01:56:49.380 --> 01:56:50.380
I know, I know.

1768
01:56:50.880 --> 01:56:54.760
Well, part of it was because of the, a couple of factors.

1769
01:56:54.760 --> 01:56:57.120
The, it's like almost 30 people.

1770
01:56:57.120 --> 01:56:58.580
I didn't really feel like they could fit

1771
01:56:58.580 --> 01:57:00.480
in my house comfortably.

1772
01:57:00.480 --> 01:57:01.800
And also I was like,

1773
01:57:01.800 --> 01:57:04.000
I don't know if I want them all in my house.

1774
01:57:05.160 --> 01:57:07.320
And I wasn't able to do it.

1775
01:57:07.320 --> 01:57:08.320
Like, I was like, well, maybe we can do it

1776
01:57:08.320 --> 01:57:10.160
at a restaurant or something.

1777
01:57:10.160 --> 01:57:12.120
And people that I'm hosting,

1778
01:57:12.120 --> 01:57:13.440
the people that I'm hosting it with,

1779
01:57:13.440 --> 01:57:15.120
like one is my other sister-in-law, Talene,

1780
01:57:15.120 --> 01:57:19.240
who's like, you know, she's not a part of any of this

1781
01:57:19.260 --> 01:57:21.260
because she came in, my younger brother and her married,

1782
01:57:21.260 --> 01:57:24.620
like later in the, she's like, they live in a townhouses.

1783
01:57:24.620 --> 01:57:25.500
She couldn't host it.

1784
01:57:25.500 --> 01:57:28.260
And then anyway, long story short,

1785
01:57:28.260 --> 01:57:29.380
we're hosting it at the church.

1786
01:57:29.380 --> 01:57:30.940
And my mom was like, even my mom was like,

1787
01:57:30.940 --> 01:57:33.380
wow, that's pretty big of you.

1788
01:57:33.380 --> 01:57:35.540
And at the time I was like, I was still in my mode of like,

1789
01:57:35.540 --> 01:57:37.420
no, it's fine, it's fine, everything's fine.

1790
01:57:37.420 --> 01:57:40.260
And then like, I had this moment of panic where I'm like,

1791
01:57:40.260 --> 01:57:45.180
oh my gosh, like I had this, this, I like,

1792
01:57:45.180 --> 01:57:48.500
I felt like I was going to be on display, you know, like,

1793
01:57:48.500 --> 01:57:50.600
and the Lord's walked me through a lot of it.

1794
01:57:50.600 --> 01:57:53.360
I think the last thing with it all is like,

1795
01:57:53.360 --> 01:57:55.840
I've kind of come to terms with it, we're going to do it.

1796
01:57:55.840 --> 01:57:59.840
I'm doing it, I'm not doing it just because I'm obligated,

1797
01:57:59.840 --> 01:58:01.720
I'm doing it because it's the sister I want to be.

1798
01:58:01.720 --> 01:58:03.080
Like, that's who I want to be,

1799
01:58:03.080 --> 01:58:05.400
as I want to be the sister who like,

1800
01:58:05.400 --> 01:58:07.800
can show up for my sister and like,

1801
01:58:07.800 --> 01:58:10.800
host a big life event for her, like no matter the cost,

1802
01:58:10.800 --> 01:58:15.800
you know, but I like need Bruce to help me

1803
01:58:16.300 --> 01:58:19.700
with some of the setup and I know it's affecting him

1804
01:58:19.700 --> 01:58:23.340
to, he doesn't want to walk back in that building.

1805
01:58:23.340 --> 01:58:25.900
And I told him he doesn't have to, I said, hey, it's fine.

1806
01:58:25.900 --> 01:58:28.380
I was like, I'll maybe call one of the brothers

1807
01:58:28.380 --> 01:58:32.540
or something, but he was like, no, it's silly.

1808
01:58:32.540 --> 01:58:33.900
He's like, I shouldn't be like this.

1809
01:58:33.900 --> 01:58:35.420
So now we're having this,

1810
01:58:35.420 --> 01:58:37.700
I feel like I've put him in a weird position

1811
01:58:38.940 --> 01:58:41.540
that he didn't, you know, like, you know what I'm saying?

1812
01:58:42.440 --> 01:58:47.440
So it'll be interesting this weekend, how it all unfolds.

1813
01:58:47.480 --> 01:58:50.480
I'm trusting that the Lord, like I just,

1814
01:58:51.960 --> 01:58:54.320
for my sake, but also for Bruce's sake,

1815
01:58:54.320 --> 01:58:58.820
at some point, I want his name cleared.

1816
01:58:58.820 --> 01:59:02.120
I know it's my name too, but like, I feel like

1817
01:59:04.280 --> 01:59:05.920
he just ate a lot of dirt.

1818
01:59:05.920 --> 01:59:06.760
And-

1819
01:59:06.760 --> 01:59:07.600
I'm sure he did.

1820
01:59:07.600 --> 01:59:08.420
Yeah.

1821
01:59:08.420 --> 01:59:09.260
I'm sure he did.

1822
01:59:09.260 --> 01:59:11.500
There's a lot of things that like he,

1823
01:59:12.640 --> 01:59:15.200
I know he didn't tell me, like a lot of emails

1824
01:59:15.200 --> 01:59:17.920
I got sent to him that he wouldn't let me read.

1825
01:59:17.920 --> 01:59:22.260
And, you know, just a lot of conversations and things.

1826
01:59:22.260 --> 01:59:25.960
So I have to trust him with the Lord

1827
01:59:25.960 --> 01:59:30.280
and trust that like the Lord will repay.

1828
01:59:30.280 --> 01:59:31.760
He'll make sure that that happens.

1829
01:59:31.760 --> 01:59:35.600
But anyway, it's very,

1830
01:59:35.600 --> 01:59:37.560
I know it's gonna sound weird, comforting

1831
01:59:37.580 --> 01:59:40.140
to know that you have a understanding

1832
01:59:40.140 --> 01:59:41.900
that not many people carry.

1833
01:59:42.940 --> 01:59:45.100
Cause until you've been through something like this,

1834
01:59:45.100 --> 01:59:49.020
like you just can't relate.

1835
01:59:49.020 --> 01:59:49.860
Yeah.

1836
01:59:50.980 --> 01:59:53.900
Cause it's like, to your point, it's just like a movie.

1837
01:59:53.900 --> 01:59:57.580
Like it's just, and there's, you know,

1838
01:59:57.580 --> 02:00:00.580
Pedro is someone too, who kind of had a similar situation.

1839
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:05.600
where it went legal and there was a lot of lies and friends like family involved and

1840
02:00:05.600 --> 02:00:06.680
all that stuff.

1841
02:00:06.680 --> 02:00:13.480
And so I, you know, it's just, again, it's the Lord's provision like that you would pop

1842
02:00:13.480 --> 02:00:15.480
into my DMs.

1843
02:00:15.480 --> 02:00:24.760
Well, one, one thing, if it's, if it's helpful as something that you can do on, did you say

1844
02:00:24.760 --> 02:00:31.240
it was Saturday that you've got a Saturday is, um, that both you and, and Bruce can do

1845
02:00:31.240 --> 02:00:32.240
now.

1846
02:00:32.240 --> 02:00:36.040
I was going to say this and then you started saying, Oh, well, Bruce going into, um, is

1847
02:00:36.040 --> 02:00:42.040
that you allow yourself, you give yourself over to the Lord to be taken care of like

1848
02:00:42.040 --> 02:00:43.040
a child.

1849
02:00:43.040 --> 02:00:44.040
Yeah.

1850
02:00:44.040 --> 02:00:48.320
Be loved and protected in that situation where you're not having to go in and be the strong

1851
02:00:48.320 --> 02:00:52.260
one that has to do the right thing.

1852
02:00:52.260 --> 02:00:56.240
That has to, well, you know, I shouldn't be like this and I should be stronger and

1853
02:00:56.240 --> 02:01:00.780
I should be whatever you are already what God wants you to be.

1854
02:01:00.780 --> 02:01:03.940
You bought war for one thing in spirit, you've already arrived, you're already there.

1855
02:01:03.940 --> 02:01:07.340
And then on the, all of the other things, you know, you have journeyed with the Lord

1856
02:01:07.340 --> 02:01:13.940
and you are aware and where you are, the Lord is pleased with, and there are things and

1857
02:01:13.940 --> 02:01:18.060
responsibility for other people's actions, whether emotionally or whatever that y'all

1858
02:01:18.060 --> 02:01:21.620
don't need to carry that y'all don't have to worry about, Oh my goodness, I should be

1859
02:01:21.980 --> 02:01:22.980
okay with this.

1860
02:01:22.980 --> 02:01:23.980
Why?

1861
02:01:23.980 --> 02:01:29.660
That hurt, you know, now, you know, cause y'all aren't talking about life.

1862
02:01:29.660 --> 02:01:34.540
Well, you know, I want to do this to them and I'm just talking about, I'm hurt.

1863
02:01:34.540 --> 02:01:37.260
I don't want to have to, I don't want to relive all of this.

1864
02:01:37.260 --> 02:01:42.140
I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, be in contact with so-and-so I don't like

1865
02:01:42.140 --> 02:01:45.940
the fact that they're on the invitation list and they're coming, you know, I don't want

1866
02:01:45.940 --> 02:01:47.460
to have to walk down those halls again.

1867
02:01:47.460 --> 02:01:51.580
I don't want to have to smell that smell again, you know, but if you just put yourself in

1868
02:01:52.540 --> 02:01:58.260
the position of, instead of you choosing to, to, to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps

1869
02:01:58.260 --> 02:02:03.540
and be strong and do the quote unquote, godly thing, godly with the lowercase G meaning

1870
02:02:03.540 --> 02:02:08.640
that it's going to have sweat in it instead of doing that, instead of being responsible

1871
02:02:08.640 --> 02:02:14.860
for yourself, let God be responsible for you and allow yourself to be taken care of this.

1872
02:02:14.860 --> 02:02:20.180
If you're like a child, Hey God, I'm going to go in, I'm about to walk into, I'm not

1873
02:02:20.180 --> 02:02:24.740
making this meaning this to sound dramatic and just like, Lord, I'm walking into a lion's

1874
02:02:24.740 --> 02:02:25.740
den.

1875
02:02:25.740 --> 02:02:26.740
You know, it's the phrase that we like to use.

1876
02:02:26.740 --> 02:02:27.740
Right.

1877
02:02:27.740 --> 02:02:28.740
Yeah.

1878
02:02:28.740 --> 02:02:29.740
I'm walking into the lion's den.

1879
02:02:29.740 --> 02:02:34.700
And so instead of me being hyper vigilant and me being hyper vigilant in the spirit

1880
02:02:34.700 --> 02:02:38.500
of like, I'm going to be strong and I mean, whatever, just remember, you know, that you're,

1881
02:02:38.500 --> 02:02:42.140
you know, that you're positioned yourself and choosing that, you know, you're completely

1882
02:02:42.140 --> 02:02:46.380
loved and completely accepted and that you're unified with the Lord.

1883
02:02:46.380 --> 02:02:53.940
And then the rest of it, let go of trying to be or hold up or be strong enough for,

1884
02:02:53.940 --> 02:02:58.820
and then allow God to completely take over the rest where you feel like you're being

1885
02:02:58.820 --> 02:03:05.500
carried and through the situation where God is the parent and you get to be the child.

1886
02:03:05.500 --> 02:03:14.540
You don't have to be responsible when on Saturday, you know, you don't have to be, there's a

1887
02:03:14.540 --> 02:03:21.500
word for it that you don't have to be like this spiritual strength or this pillar.

1888
02:03:21.500 --> 02:03:24.620
God says, I just want you to believe me.

1889
02:03:24.620 --> 02:03:26.340
Just believe me on Saturday.

1890
02:03:26.340 --> 02:03:30.100
You don't have to be something you don't have to be in a position.

1891
02:03:30.100 --> 02:03:31.940
You just believe me.

1892
02:03:31.940 --> 02:03:35.460
And of course, if you believe him, well then you're a son of God and that's who you walk

1893
02:03:35.460 --> 02:03:41.180
in as, you know, as opposed to trying to, you know, remember on our own with all of

1894
02:03:41.180 --> 02:03:46.220
our sweat and all of our remembrance and all of our, you know, you know, with our mind,

1895
02:03:46.220 --> 02:03:50.620
trying to, trying to remember and be strong.

1896
02:03:50.620 --> 02:03:52.300
So just allow it to come.

1897
02:03:52.300 --> 02:03:56.340
And I know that that's hard because then you're truly making yourself vulnerable because you're

1898
02:03:56.340 --> 02:04:02.740
not protecting yourself in the way that not only had we told ourselves that it was Godly

1899
02:04:02.740 --> 02:04:08.580
and that God would like us to do for him is to be strong and be spiritually mature, but

1900
02:04:08.580 --> 02:04:14.740
also that we have always been, I always believed it would protect us, you know, basically that

1901
02:04:14.740 --> 02:04:19.100
self-protection from something that someone could do or say, or a trigger that we couldn't

1902
02:04:19.100 --> 02:04:23.060
have that we didn't even know that we could be triggered by that smell anymore.

1903
02:04:23.060 --> 02:04:25.620
You know, you know, or we thought about that.

1904
02:04:25.620 --> 02:04:28.300
We thought about having thought about the fact that, oh my goodness, I was going to

1905
02:04:28.300 --> 02:04:31.740
be in the building, but on my word, I didn't think about the fact that when I look at the

1906
02:04:31.740 --> 02:04:37.020
carpet, there's all those memories, or I didn't think about the smell or whatever, but, and

1907
02:04:37.020 --> 02:04:38.740
those are things that can hit us.

1908
02:04:38.740 --> 02:04:43.580
And so we're subconsciously trying to protect ourselves ahead of time for going into this

1909
02:04:43.580 --> 02:04:44.580
thing.

1910
02:04:44.580 --> 02:04:50.180
And if you let yourself vulnerably be, be so vulnerable, the Lord that you're actually

1911
02:04:50.180 --> 02:04:58.140
exposed and you allow the Lord to protect you in your exposure, that is risking yourself

1912
02:04:58.140 --> 02:04:59.900
for disappointment, which.

1913
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:03.520
It's that you are really having faith because it's God.

1914
02:05:03.520 --> 02:05:06.880
I'm risking myself very vulnerably that you are who you say that you are and

1915
02:05:06.880 --> 02:05:08.040
that you're going to protect me.

1916
02:05:08.040 --> 02:05:12.060
So I'm not going to protect myself, not going to protect myself.

1917
02:05:12.080 --> 02:05:17.400
And that's really me trusting you because I am in not protecting myself.

1918
02:05:17.400 --> 02:05:19.440
I'm making space for you to protect me.

1919
02:05:19.640 --> 02:05:22.840
If I protect myself, I don't make space for you to protect me.

1920
02:05:23.240 --> 02:05:28.000
So I'm going to put myself in a position for you to show up.

1921
02:05:28.280 --> 02:05:29.800
Like you say that you do.

1922
02:05:30.280 --> 02:05:31.960
This isn't a test Lord.

1923
02:05:32.000 --> 02:05:35.200
This is just me acting on what you said.

1924
02:05:35.840 --> 02:05:39.880
Scary, but well, that's one of the things that y'all could do in stepping

1925
02:05:39.880 --> 02:05:45.040
out, not only in faith, but that the really exciting thing is that all of

1926
02:05:45.040 --> 02:05:50.880
this stuff is coming up, you know, just two months after, after, uh, in

1927
02:05:50.880 --> 02:05:56.160
fact, not that this might be, this might work out, but you might want to

1928
02:05:56.160 --> 02:06:00.000
look at the date of Saturday and compare it to the date where everything

1929
02:06:00.000 --> 02:06:04.360
was final two months ago, see sometimes that there's like some way that God

1930
02:06:04.360 --> 02:06:07.160
wants to talk to you of like the difference in dates, like the number

1931
02:06:07.160 --> 02:06:09.760
of days or the date itself or whatever.

1932
02:06:09.760 --> 02:06:14.160
The reason I say that is literally God brought all this up and had me walk

1933
02:06:14.200 --> 02:06:18.840
into the building literally eight years to the day from the time I,

1934
02:06:19.000 --> 02:06:20.400
I couldn't make that up.

1935
02:06:20.520 --> 02:06:25.600
I was like, in fact, I went to sleep in the hotel that God had put me in during

1936
02:06:25.600 --> 02:06:28.040
COVID, I was supposed to meet Chris Black, be at that hotel.

1937
02:06:28.040 --> 02:06:30.040
We were supposed to do a conference together.

1938
02:06:30.600 --> 02:06:33.320
Then COVID hit literally like that week.

1939
02:06:33.600 --> 02:06:35.560
And all of a sudden the whole world shut down.

1940
02:06:35.560 --> 02:06:39.160
So the conference was canceled, but the hotel was still open.

1941
02:06:39.360 --> 02:06:43.240
So basically no one was in the hotel, but me who was one of the

1942
02:06:43.240 --> 02:06:46.640
few people who lived in town, hotel room.

1943
02:06:47.320 --> 02:06:48.560
I mean, how weird is that?

1944
02:06:48.600 --> 02:06:50.520
Even though it could have driven to the conference every day.

1945
02:06:50.520 --> 02:06:53.120
So I go to the hotel, I was just devastated.

1946
02:06:53.120 --> 02:06:56.520
I was like, Lord, Chris and I were supposed to be here to hang out.

1947
02:06:56.760 --> 02:06:58.080
We were supposed to go to this conference.

1948
02:06:58.120 --> 02:06:59.040
Everything's canceled.

1949
02:06:59.040 --> 02:07:04.520
I am in this hotel in my own city alone, right down the street on the

1950
02:07:04.520 --> 02:07:06.960
same street that had always triggered me.

1951
02:07:07.560 --> 02:07:10.880
I am right down the street, just a few blocks from, I mean,

1952
02:07:10.880 --> 02:07:13.600
indeed the DFW Metroplex is huge.

1953
02:07:14.040 --> 02:07:18.560
Just a few blocks from that, that location where I had gone to for years

1954
02:07:18.560 --> 02:07:22.480
and it hadn't been back to since, you know, et cetera, and I'm like, Lord,

1955
02:07:22.480 --> 02:07:23.680
what are this going on?

1956
02:07:23.720 --> 02:07:25.240
I cried.

1957
02:07:25.280 --> 02:07:26.720
I was just felt alone.

1958
02:07:26.760 --> 02:07:28.080
I felt abandoned.

1959
02:07:28.120 --> 02:07:29.800
I just, I mean, oh my word.

1960
02:07:29.800 --> 02:07:33.240
I don't know how to express the hurt and like what exactly was going on.

1961
02:07:33.320 --> 02:07:34.640
Just it, I just hurt.

1962
02:07:35.080 --> 02:07:37.840
I hurt so bad that you know what you do when you hurt bad as an

1963
02:07:37.840 --> 02:07:39.200
adult, you just want to take a nap.

1964
02:07:39.200 --> 02:07:40.240
So I took a nap in the middle.

1965
02:07:41.480 --> 02:07:42.680
Well, here's what's cool.

1966
02:07:42.760 --> 02:07:47.040
I woke up from the nap and I had gone to sleep, you know, with all of these

1967
02:07:47.040 --> 02:07:51.120
accusations and these heart cries out to the Lord and, you know, I'm like, Lord,

1968
02:07:51.120 --> 02:07:53.920
I'm in the same, I'm in this like right down the street.

1969
02:07:53.920 --> 02:07:55.800
I feel the atmosphere, Lord.

1970
02:07:55.840 --> 02:07:56.840
I'm triggered.

1971
02:07:57.160 --> 02:07:58.280
Anyway, went to sleep.

1972
02:07:58.320 --> 02:08:00.520
As soon as I woke up, God said, what is today?

1973
02:08:02.520 --> 02:08:03.080
Oh, I don't know.

1974
02:08:03.080 --> 02:08:04.760
It's it's March 19th.

1975
02:08:05.120 --> 02:08:07.400
He's like, exactly what day is that?

1976
02:08:07.400 --> 02:08:12.240
And I thought that's the day that I was told that I needed to go back to my

1977
02:08:12.240 --> 02:08:15.360
desk and put everything into a box and be escorted out of the building.

1978
02:08:16.120 --> 02:08:17.280
It was like for right down here.

1979
02:08:17.280 --> 02:08:18.400
I was like, that's wild.

1980
02:08:18.480 --> 02:08:19.800
And he was like, and how many years ago?

1981
02:08:19.800 --> 02:08:23.400
It was like eight, which of course is new beginnings.

1982
02:08:24.520 --> 02:08:27.160
I didn't put myself there anyway.

1983
02:08:27.160 --> 02:08:31.440
So I knew, and then I was supposed to check out on the 21st, which is the day

1984
02:08:31.440 --> 02:08:35.080
that I sent in the email to them saying I resign because technically

1985
02:08:35.080 --> 02:08:35.880
I didn't work for them.

1986
02:08:35.880 --> 02:08:39.320
I worked for my boss, but I was on their payroll.

1987
02:08:39.320 --> 02:08:42.520
So legally I had to have some written thing written saying that

1988
02:08:43.200 --> 02:08:44.840
that's what the Lord did for me.

1989
02:08:45.120 --> 02:08:49.400
Point is I would, I didn't know he was meaning to bring everything to a

1990
02:08:49.400 --> 02:08:52.760
close and bring, um, what's the word for that?

1991
02:08:52.760 --> 02:08:54.600
It will just bring closure to it.

1992
02:08:54.600 --> 02:08:58.720
It's spiritual closure where I was finally released.

1993
02:08:59.040 --> 02:09:03.240
So my point is that whether or not y'all have that, God ends up doing

1994
02:09:03.240 --> 02:09:08.040
that whole date thing, you know, with y'all, maybe that Saturday, if

1995
02:09:08.040 --> 02:09:10.600
that's the first time that y'all are going to be going to the building

1996
02:09:10.600 --> 02:09:15.120
since, you know, who knows when, since maybe the time that, uh, that they

1997
02:09:15.120 --> 02:09:19.240
got up and the pastor said that, and y'all just felt, okay, we feel the

1998
02:09:19.240 --> 02:09:20.760
release that you'd get up and walk out.

1999
02:09:21.200 --> 02:09:24.600
So I didn't know the last time that y'all were there, but it's possible

2000
02:09:24.600 --> 02:09:26.320
that God is using this opportunity.

2001
02:09:26.320 --> 02:09:31.760
That feels like it's so painful as something that, that God is

2002
02:09:31.760 --> 02:09:33.640
bringing about to bring you closure.

2003
02:09:35.040 --> 02:09:40.160
So anyway, so you can look forward to it with anticipation that instead of it

2004
02:09:40.160 --> 02:09:44.480
being a painful thing, God's like, I'm finally spiritually cutting the,

2005
02:09:44.560 --> 02:09:48.400
cutting the ties for you because I want to preserve you.

2006
02:09:48.440 --> 02:09:52.440
And I don't want you to be connected to that situation anymore or whatever.

2007
02:09:52.720 --> 02:09:55.600
It happens to be two months after everything's finally final.

2008
02:09:56.440 --> 02:09:59.960
And, um, and then you can come in because the only way that you can.

2009
02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:01.280
How would I put that?

2010
02:10:01.280 --> 02:10:05.760
A lot of times the way that God does it, where we, um, kind of like what I was talking about,

2011
02:10:05.760 --> 02:10:10.440
like with death is you have to go through it and in order to conquer it is, is there's

2012
02:10:10.440 --> 02:10:15.160
a way in which you have to have some kind of a connection with it again, in order to,

2013
02:10:15.160 --> 02:10:17.760
as Chris Blackaby refers to it, write a new record.

2014
02:10:17.760 --> 02:10:18.760
Yeah.

2015
02:10:18.760 --> 02:10:19.760
Yeah.

2016
02:10:19.760 --> 02:10:25.560
But last time I believed this, this time I'm choosing this challenging because he refers

2017
02:10:25.560 --> 02:10:29.600
to it as breaking the arm, but in the same place again, because it didn't set right the

2018
02:10:29.600 --> 02:10:30.920
first time.

2019
02:10:30.920 --> 02:10:35.600
So it has to be rebroken and it feels like pain and really God's like, yeah, but it wasn't

2020
02:10:35.600 --> 02:10:38.960
actually healed this time there's full closure.

2021
02:10:38.960 --> 02:10:43.680
And so if that's what God's doing, which is what I believe he is, then it means that there

2022
02:10:43.680 --> 02:10:50.840
is a way in which God is, um, keeping, do you say it's preserving y'all's purity, preserving

2023
02:10:50.840 --> 02:10:57.920
your, um, uh, I don't know, basically it's like defending you and protecting you, protecting

2024
02:10:57.920 --> 02:11:05.080
you from any, any spiritual connections anymore that just no longer get to have the privilege

2025
02:11:05.080 --> 02:11:11.840
of a right to you, including, including other people based on the choices that they made.

2026
02:11:11.840 --> 02:11:12.840
And sure.

2027
02:11:12.840 --> 02:11:14.080
We don't, I don't want to make a judgment call.

2028
02:11:14.080 --> 02:11:17.480
I don't know, you know, if they were all just trying to do the best they could.

2029
02:11:17.480 --> 02:11:22.960
And if whatever my point is that the, and so the God may just like be separating everybody

2030
02:11:22.960 --> 02:11:26.560
because he's like, Hey, y'all season is over, but there I'm sure that there are certain

2031
02:11:26.560 --> 02:11:29.760
aspects that were not appropriate.

2032
02:11:29.760 --> 02:11:35.800
And, and, um, and so God wants to completely sever all of that, wrap everything up so that

2033
02:11:35.800 --> 02:11:42.280
y'all can be free and you no longer have that tether that is slowing you down or hindering

2034
02:11:42.280 --> 02:11:45.840
you from being able to advance in other ways.

2035
02:11:45.840 --> 02:11:49.480
And um, so in other words, I think that Saturday, even though it seems like it's all for your

2036
02:11:49.480 --> 02:11:52.520
sister-in-law, I think it's, it's for y'all.

2037
02:11:53.520 --> 02:11:58.840
You landed on some place that you would have never done voluntarily, except for the fact

2038
02:11:58.840 --> 02:12:03.960
that you were offering to do this for your sister-in-law and you realize, well, it doesn't

2039
02:12:03.960 --> 02:12:08.320
all fit in my house and it doesn't all fit in my co-host house.

2040
02:12:08.320 --> 02:12:09.760
So we're going to have to do this.

2041
02:12:09.760 --> 02:12:14.960
I mean, it's not your choice, but God can orchestrate stuff like that to put us back

2042
02:12:14.960 --> 02:12:21.260
in a situation in order to get you final healing, because it's like, nothing's allowed to be

2043
02:12:21.260 --> 02:12:29.020
all that stuff is like this, these, I don't know, these, these weights that you no longer

2044
02:12:29.020 --> 02:12:35.380
that aren't, that were never yours by God to be responsible for or to carry.

2045
02:12:35.380 --> 02:12:40.740
And they no longer get to have access to you and they no longer are any, anybody else's

2046
02:12:40.740 --> 02:12:46.340
in road spiritually into you because they've lost that privilege or anything spiritually

2047
02:12:46.340 --> 02:12:48.460
has lost that privilege to you.

2048
02:12:48.460 --> 02:12:53.500
So when it feels like I'm going back to the lion's den, they're the ones quote-unquote

2049
02:12:53.500 --> 02:12:54.500
in power.

2050
02:12:54.500 --> 02:13:03.140
This is their turf, but see you going back on their turf is, is you being and being stronger

2051
02:13:03.140 --> 02:13:07.580
in the Lord where he's taking care of you now, you know, when you're just a child and

2052
02:13:07.580 --> 02:13:12.780
he's very vulnerably open to him and he's like, okay, now watch what I'll do is free

2053
02:13:12.780 --> 02:13:15.140
is a gift to y'all.

2054
02:13:15.140 --> 02:13:19.460
It's him honestly, taking care of y'all, even though it feels painful.

2055
02:13:19.460 --> 02:13:21.460
I think that that's what Saturday is.

2056
02:13:21.460 --> 02:13:22.460
That's amazing.

2057
02:13:22.460 --> 02:13:25.540
Well, I will, I will definitely update you.

2058
02:13:25.540 --> 02:13:26.540
Yes, please.

2059
02:13:26.540 --> 02:13:27.540
Very excited.

2060
02:13:27.540 --> 02:13:30.900
I'm so emotionally invested now.

2061
02:13:30.900 --> 02:13:31.900
I know.

2062
02:13:31.900 --> 02:13:34.820
I mean, it's, it's pretty incredible.

2063
02:13:34.820 --> 02:13:38.540
I just think the Lord is like, I so believe I so trust his timing.

2064
02:13:38.540 --> 02:13:43.120
Like there's just, there's been so much proof, you know, he's so proved himself to be faithful

2065
02:13:43.120 --> 02:13:45.200
in so many ways.

2066
02:13:45.200 --> 02:13:51.520
And I mean, just the, even the fact that this is happening while I'm in this incubator called

2067
02:13:51.520 --> 02:13:52.920
the rest intensive, right?

2068
02:13:52.920 --> 02:13:55.720
Like it's, it's amazing.

2069
02:13:55.720 --> 02:13:58.200
So I'm glad that it all worked out.

2070
02:13:58.200 --> 02:14:02.400
And then of course, you know, I greatly appreciate, you know, you offering to be there for me

2071
02:14:02.400 --> 02:14:03.400
as well.

2072
02:14:03.400 --> 02:14:08.320
And me getting to be part of your group that to me is just like the Lord's timing as well,

2073
02:14:08.320 --> 02:14:11.640
because you know how long I've been holding some of these things before the Lord, like,

2074
02:14:11.640 --> 02:14:12.840
Lord, I don't understand Lord.

2075
02:14:13.560 --> 02:14:14.560
I want clarity.

2076
02:14:14.560 --> 02:14:18.600
And then the questions that y'all bring up the spirit that y'all carry, you know, provides

2077
02:14:18.600 --> 02:14:23.320
me a space where I don't have to, where I don't have to be the strong one.

2078
02:14:23.320 --> 02:14:24.320
Yeah.

2079
02:14:24.320 --> 02:14:26.600
I hope that you body, you know what I'm saying?

2080
02:14:26.600 --> 02:14:31.080
And so it allows stuff to come up and me to question things and me to be vulnerable because

2081
02:14:31.080 --> 02:14:38.520
I don't have to have the answers and I don't have to, like I said, be the strong one.

2082
02:14:38.520 --> 02:14:42.080
And so I appreciate you being that for me as well.

2083
02:14:42.320 --> 02:14:43.320
The timing is just really perfect.

2084
02:14:43.320 --> 02:14:46.320
I'm very grateful to the Lord that he orchestrated everything.

2085
02:14:46.320 --> 02:14:49.320
We're just going through a lot, Lindsay, all at the same time.

2086
02:14:49.320 --> 02:14:50.320
Isn't that amazing?

2087
02:14:50.320 --> 02:14:51.320
Great provision.

2088
02:14:51.320 --> 02:14:56.040
It's such a gift because you, you get me, you know what I mean?

2089
02:14:56.040 --> 02:15:00.080
Like there's so much that we're doing that is similar and being able.

2090
02:15:00.000 --> 02:15:04.960
to be in a space of like, look, there is a public side of my ministry that is extremely authentic

2091
02:15:04.960 --> 02:15:09.440
and it is the right fruit of my life. And there's also things happening privately where I'm

2092
02:15:09.440 --> 02:15:18.880
overcoming still in other areas. And this part is very difficult to navigate with the right people

2093
02:15:20.160 --> 02:15:27.040
because it can easily be misunderstood and twisted and used against you. And I think that's

2094
02:15:27.200 --> 02:15:33.200
the safety. Of course, we find our deep sense of safety with the Lord. I just think He's so kind

2095
02:15:33.200 --> 02:15:41.120
that He gifts us with people that can hold the weight. I'm glad that I can be that for you too.

2096
02:15:42.160 --> 02:15:48.240
Because it's really a joy. I mean, my dream is to help. You are an example that I used because

2097
02:15:48.240 --> 02:15:51.440
someone asked me at the beginning of this year, what would you be wanting to do at the end of

2098
02:15:51.440 --> 02:15:56.240
the year if you could do anything? And I was like, there are people, like my friend Ashley,

2099
02:15:56.240 --> 02:16:03.120
who carries such a depth of revelation that if I could help her in any way with the digital side

2100
02:16:03.120 --> 02:16:08.000
of her ministry and help, like, it would be a dream. I literally said that. I need that much

2101
02:16:08.000 --> 02:16:14.720
help. Well, it's not, it's just, it's just you, like, when you're carrying the amount of revelation

2102
02:16:14.720 --> 02:16:20.080
you're carrying, you shouldn't have to also be carrying this depth of like, that's what I think.

2103
02:16:21.040 --> 02:16:27.040
I mean, seriously, I just, I feel like, I don't feel like it's, it's too much. So,

2104
02:16:27.040 --> 02:16:32.320
and I think, unfortunately, a lot of people who carry this amount of revelation don't always get

2105
02:16:32.320 --> 02:16:37.920
part, like, they, they don't always make that trust connection, right? To like, true. Because

2106
02:16:37.920 --> 02:16:42.000
it's hard. It's hard to, it's hard to navigate. Like, to your point, you've had a lot of situations

2107
02:16:42.000 --> 02:16:45.760
with people like, oh, just come on my platform. Yeah. It's just, and like, that doesn't feel

2108
02:16:45.760 --> 02:16:50.879
right. You know, things like that. So I think they get a lot of offers, but it's hard to navigate,

2109
02:16:50.879 --> 02:16:56.240
like, what's helpful. Like, what's actually going to be helpful to what I'm doing and not

2110
02:16:56.240 --> 02:17:03.760
hindering what I'm doing. So I get that. Well, I appreciate you so much. And, and so, like I said,

2111
02:17:03.760 --> 02:17:08.080
I'm really grateful that the Lord has just coordinated everything, you know, in such a way,

2112
02:17:08.080 --> 02:17:13.920
of course he always does, but it's exciting when you get to actually realize it while it's happening

2113
02:17:13.920 --> 02:17:18.879
and then you can be extra grateful. I know you're like seeing certain anecdotes. I feel that way. I do.

2114
02:17:18.879 --> 02:17:24.400
Yeah. Well, thank you so much for your time. I know we went like, yeah, you gave me three

2115
02:17:24.400 --> 02:17:28.559
hours the other day. You were so sweet. I was like, that woman has to get up with a baby.

2116
02:17:29.920 --> 02:17:36.879
I was so energized. I felt like the Lord just held me. So I, there was nothing there was, I,

2117
02:17:36.879 --> 02:17:42.799
I was, I gladly will do it again. For sure. Sweet. I appreciate it. Well, thank you friend.

2118
02:17:42.799 --> 02:17:47.360
It, it meant a lot to me and it really was very, very helpful. I felt that also by doing that and

2119
02:17:47.360 --> 02:17:52.879
being that vulnerable and saying things that were very hard for me to say or admit or, you know,

2120
02:17:52.879 --> 02:17:58.959
whatever, um, I felt the next day, I thought, you know, even as hard as it is for me to like,

2121
02:17:58.959 --> 02:18:04.480
go back in my memory and think, Oh my word, I can't believe, you know, I can't hide anymore.

2122
02:18:05.440 --> 02:18:10.400
But I thought, you know, I know what the Lord is doing. I already feel a shift.

2123
02:18:10.959 --> 02:18:18.000
And seriously, I've been able to like make some, uh, I've been able to stand a bit more and

2124
02:18:18.000 --> 02:18:23.440
quote unquote, own myself a little bit more. So that's been good. So it's like, you know,

2125
02:18:23.440 --> 02:18:28.559
how it is when you bring something out into the light, it breaks a bit of the power that it had

2126
02:18:28.559 --> 02:18:36.400
over you. And so anyway, so, um, it was, uh, it was, uh, very helpful. And just having been able

2127
02:18:36.480 --> 02:18:42.879
to express some of those things, I knew that the Lord was honoring that because I was starting to

2128
02:18:42.879 --> 02:18:48.080
feel the power of the things breaking off of me. And so I was like, okay, so there's, you know,

2129
02:18:48.080 --> 02:18:55.440
I'm starting to already see fruits of something that just felt like so much exposure. And, you

2130
02:18:55.440 --> 02:19:01.120
know, you kind of wondering, you know, is, is it really necessary to like say all of those things,

2131
02:19:01.120 --> 02:19:05.680
or is that just kind of like a, it sounds really weird, but almost like a guilty pleasure. Like

2132
02:19:06.160 --> 02:19:10.559
and that's what I felt like when I was talking to you about stuff. It's like, sometimes it's weird

2133
02:19:10.559 --> 02:19:14.320
to sit sound, you know, or tell everybody how, you know, about rest and whatever. And sometimes

2134
02:19:14.320 --> 02:19:20.240
it's kind of like, I want to get to do, I, there's a bit of resentment in me. I'm like, I want to get

2135
02:19:20.240 --> 02:19:27.680
to complain. Sometimes I want to get to be told that I don't deserve to be treated like that,

2136
02:19:27.680 --> 02:19:31.600
or talk to like that, or I don't know, whatever issue I'm having, you know, out in the world,

2137
02:19:31.600 --> 02:19:36.400
you know, and as opposed to, I just need to be the strong one and I need to shift into

2138
02:19:36.400 --> 02:19:41.840
rest and I just need to, whatever. Sometimes I want to be a kid and eat sugar. That's not good

2139
02:19:41.840 --> 02:19:50.720
for me just because I want a bit of comfort. I want to like lay down, you know, the, just

2140
02:19:50.720 --> 02:19:54.640
being an adult for a minute, you know, and talking about in the spirit, you know,

2141
02:19:54.640 --> 02:19:57.680
and I'm not sure how healthy all that is. And if Jesus would do it,

2142
02:20:00.000 --> 02:20:03.840
I do know that that that's what the, how I kind of like saw it.

2143
02:20:03.840 --> 02:20:08.600
So anyway, um, I, I just, the reason I'm going on about that is that I just,

2144
02:20:08.760 --> 02:20:11.680
I just want you to know it really, it, I greatly appreciate it.

2145
02:20:11.680 --> 02:20:12.000
Thank you.

2146
02:20:12.000 --> 02:20:14.640
Cause it's sometimes it's not fun to have to sit and listen to somebody

2147
02:20:14.640 --> 02:20:18.240
like just talk about stuff, especially if they're struggling to the point

2148
02:20:18.240 --> 02:20:22.040
where it can sound like they're exposing things to the point of like, just

2149
02:20:22.040 --> 02:20:28.920
being complaining without any like fruit or, or, um, a resolution or anything.

2150
02:20:29.360 --> 02:20:33.280
And I just wanted you to know that it really is as messy as it probably may

2151
02:20:33.280 --> 02:20:36.640
have looked or sounded, or it felt like to me, I don't know if it came across

2152
02:20:36.640 --> 02:20:41.600
like that to you, but it felt like that to me, um, that, that God is using it.

2153
02:20:41.600 --> 02:20:46.240
And it just, it just at least made me feel important that I could be heard.

2154
02:20:46.760 --> 02:20:50.200
That I could just be listened to and allowed to be messy or talk about

2155
02:20:50.200 --> 02:20:56.040
whatever it is that I wanted and not be judged or thought less of.

2156
02:20:56.280 --> 02:20:57.000
So appreciate.

2157
02:20:57.000 --> 02:20:57.920
Yeah, absolutely.

2158
02:20:57.920 --> 02:20:59.320
I'm so glad I could provide that.

2159
02:20:59.320 --> 02:21:00.880
Cause I understand that need.

2160
02:21:01.280 --> 02:21:02.840
I understand needing that too.

2161
02:21:02.880 --> 02:21:06.640
So, and you've been that for me, of course, like more today than ever

2162
02:21:06.640 --> 02:21:09.440
before, because I was just like telling you stuff that I don't

2163
02:21:09.440 --> 02:21:10.960
think I would admit to myself.

2164
02:21:12.000 --> 02:21:15.000
Well, like you said the other day, you said, you know, I felt like the

2165
02:21:15.000 --> 02:21:18.560
Lord's inviting us to a deeper friendship and I for one say yes.

2166
02:21:18.560 --> 02:21:25.280
So it's always exciting when it's mutual, so to me, so I'm so glad.

2167
02:21:25.320 --> 02:21:27.240
Well, I love you friend.

2168
02:21:27.280 --> 02:21:30.200
And, um, I will keep you updated on.

2169
02:21:30.680 --> 02:21:34.200
Cause I don't, I don't think we're meeting and until after it, but

2170
02:21:34.200 --> 02:21:35.480
I'll, I'll keep you updated on how it goes.

2171
02:21:35.480 --> 02:21:36.240
I might be texting.

2172
02:21:36.240 --> 02:21:37.560
I might be live texting you.

2173
02:21:38.800 --> 02:21:39.720
I would love that.

2174
02:21:39.760 --> 02:21:41.600
I'd love to be part of what's happening now.

2175
02:21:41.880 --> 02:21:43.240
So we're meeting Thursday.

2176
02:21:43.240 --> 02:21:46.800
I don't know if you can make Thursday, but we're meeting today.

2177
02:21:47.200 --> 02:21:48.720
Oh, we're meeting twice until then.

2178
02:21:49.880 --> 02:21:50.840
Oh, we must be.

2179
02:21:50.960 --> 02:21:51.760
I yeah.

2180
02:21:51.760 --> 02:21:55.160
Cause so I was able to, I went ahead and booked three

2181
02:21:55.160 --> 02:21:59.480
transformation tests because I couldn't fit a fourth one in where it

2182
02:21:59.480 --> 02:22:01.560
wouldn't been like back to back to back.

2183
02:22:01.560 --> 02:22:02.680
And so, but it's okay.

2184
02:22:02.680 --> 02:22:05.680
Cause this one was like, well, that's fine.

2185
02:22:05.680 --> 02:22:08.200
You know, we could also be after, I mean, because we're just friends.

2186
02:22:08.200 --> 02:22:11.640
We just meet because we want to, but no, what I meant was there's the rest

2187
02:22:11.640 --> 02:22:13.920
groups, the rest group on tomorrow night.

2188
02:22:13.960 --> 02:22:15.480
And then there's the Thursday night.

2189
02:22:15.480 --> 02:22:16.800
And then I don't know if we're going to meet.

2190
02:22:17.080 --> 02:22:20.440
I, I haven't looked far enough ahead of my calendar to know

2191
02:22:20.440 --> 02:22:21.480
who I'm meeting with when.

2192
02:22:21.760 --> 02:22:23.680
But my point, but I know what you were saying.

2193
02:22:23.680 --> 02:22:27.920
You were like, you didn't know if that, I mean that I'll look forward

2194
02:22:27.920 --> 02:22:29.400
to hearing about it after the fact.

2195
02:22:29.480 --> 02:22:29.840
Yeah.

2196
02:22:29.840 --> 02:22:32.600
Cause next Wednesday will be our next transformation session, but I'll

2197
02:22:32.600 --> 02:22:35.520
probably, I'll definitely be texting you about, okay.

2198
02:22:35.520 --> 02:22:36.840
Yes, please do.

2199
02:22:39.000 --> 02:22:39.520
Yeah.

2200
02:22:40.280 --> 02:22:41.400
Cause so I got, I got texts.

2201
02:22:41.440 --> 02:22:42.720
I can't text anyone else.

2202
02:22:46.440 --> 02:22:49.840
Oh, and another gift is the fact that y'all had Hannah since then.

2203
02:22:50.400 --> 02:22:56.800
And so that gives y'all a topic to avoid that other P I mean, meaning like other

2204
02:22:56.800 --> 02:23:01.360
people that gives you a topic to talk about that allows you to avoid all of this

2205
02:23:01.360 --> 02:23:04.600
other stuff, gives something for other people to talk about, gives a way to

2206
02:23:04.600 --> 02:23:08.640
engage where people can be sweet and love on y'all without y'all even having to do

2207
02:23:08.640 --> 02:23:08.880
that.

2208
02:23:08.880 --> 02:23:12.080
So you can show pictures and unless she's going to be there.

2209
02:23:12.080 --> 02:23:12.400
I don't know.

2210
02:23:12.400 --> 02:23:15.560
She's going to be, I don't think, I mean, Bruce literally today was like, I would

2211
02:23:15.560 --> 02:23:17.600
be okay if Hannah never walked in that building.

2212
02:23:18.120 --> 02:23:22.880
Oh, well, I'm really thinking that actually, I was just like, I wonder if

2213
02:23:22.880 --> 02:23:26.120
they're like, prefer to just like not keep her in that building would not have

2214
02:23:26.120 --> 02:23:27.160
her go in that building at all.

2215
02:23:27.360 --> 02:23:30.920
But my point is that's another gift from the Lord is like, I like this cool life

2216
02:23:30.920 --> 02:23:31.360
topic.

2217
02:23:31.360 --> 02:23:35.200
That's very safe, especially with all the women and being at about a baby

2218
02:23:35.200 --> 02:23:37.160
shower to talk about.

2219
02:23:37.160 --> 02:23:37.720
That's great.

2220
02:23:38.040 --> 02:23:38.280
Good.

2221
02:23:40.000 --> 02:23:40.840
That is true.

2222
02:23:40.880 --> 02:23:41.360
That is true.

2223
02:23:41.400 --> 02:23:45.840
I think I've, and since talking, even just you bring, I'm going to look at the

2224
02:23:45.840 --> 02:23:50.040
dates because I think it's very, I think the Lord definitely communicates in those

2225
02:23:50.040 --> 02:23:50.480
ways.

2226
02:23:50.480 --> 02:23:53.840
And so, yeah, I'm, there's an anticipation.

2227
02:23:54.160 --> 02:23:57.240
I know that there's like a lot of, you know, that has to happen between now and

2228
02:23:57.240 --> 02:24:02.440
then, but I do choose anticipation over anxiety, you know, because, because of who

2229
02:24:02.440 --> 02:24:08.560
the Lord is to me, not because of who I have to be for the Lord or anyone else.

2230
02:24:08.880 --> 02:24:09.280
Yeah.

2231
02:24:09.600 --> 02:24:10.000
Yeah.

2232
02:24:10.320 --> 02:24:10.600
Yeah.

2233
02:24:11.080 --> 02:24:11.360
Yeah.

2234
02:24:11.840 --> 02:24:15.600
And so you can release the outcome to him, including all of the healing.

2235
02:24:15.880 --> 02:24:18.960
Or any of what we could think of as like potential hurt.

2236
02:24:19.080 --> 02:24:21.680
It's just like all of that outcome to him.

2237
02:24:21.720 --> 02:24:24.800
Like, as opposed to, I want to do this well.

2238
02:24:25.320 --> 02:24:25.800
Yeah.

2239
02:24:25.920 --> 02:24:29.400
Doing the well thing, giving that up to him, which is what I was talking to

2240
02:24:29.400 --> 02:24:30.440
Cicely about the other day.

2241
02:24:30.440 --> 02:24:34.200
Cause I was trying to figure out like, Lord, how do I, how do I talk to her?

2242
02:24:34.200 --> 02:24:37.600
How do I get across what it is that she needs, that she can grab a hold of and

2243
02:24:37.600 --> 02:24:41.760
unders and understand and like actually help her get progress.

2244
02:24:42.360 --> 02:24:45.240
And I was like, okay, let go of trying to do good anymore.

2245
02:24:45.680 --> 02:24:49.480
Yeah, because I finally was realizing, oh, she couldn't reconcile them.

2246
02:24:49.480 --> 02:24:52.440
And I finally had to let go of that at one point because I

2247
02:24:52.440 --> 02:24:54.040
couldn't get him to reconcile.

2248
02:24:54.040 --> 02:24:58.200
And so I thought, okay, well, I can tell her you can be that extreme.

2249
02:24:58.480 --> 02:24:59.880
Give it to the Lord for him.

2250
02:25:00.000 --> 02:25:04.360
to be good for you, which he already is anyway,

2251
02:25:04.360 --> 02:25:05.360
cause he's our righteousness.

2252
02:25:05.360 --> 02:25:08.800
But my point is like, I thought maybe if I word it like that,

2253
02:25:08.800 --> 02:25:12.080
she'll understand and she'll be able to figure out how to make

2254
02:25:12.080 --> 02:25:13.240
a choice of something.

2255
02:25:13.240 --> 02:25:15.720
Cause she's struggling, I think, and how to based on all of her

2256
02:25:15.720 --> 02:25:18.800
posts, she's the way she's talking about is like struggling

2257
02:25:18.800 --> 02:25:20.080
to understand how do you make a choice?

2258
02:25:20.080 --> 02:25:21.680
How do you give this up, et cetera.

2259
02:25:22.040 --> 02:25:25.000
So anyway, my point is that's how I thought of like saying

2260
02:25:25.000 --> 02:25:27.280
that, you know, even for you, you can even give up trying

2261
02:25:27.280 --> 02:25:27.600
to do it.

2262
02:25:27.600 --> 02:25:29.320
Well, that's really good.

2263
02:25:29.320 --> 02:25:32.040
Give up to the Lord, the responsibility of going through

2264
02:25:32.040 --> 02:25:32.520
Saturday.

2265
02:25:32.520 --> 02:25:35.640
Well, yeah, that's, I mean, it's powerful.

2266
02:25:36.840 --> 02:25:37.800
It's like a new day.

2267
02:25:39.240 --> 02:25:40.920
Everything's greater and better.

2268
02:25:43.160 --> 02:25:44.480
Well, I'll let you go.

2269
02:25:44.480 --> 02:25:45.880
It's good to visit with you.

2270
02:25:45.880 --> 02:25:47.080
It was good to visit with you too.

2271
02:25:47.080 --> 02:25:50.360
Thank you so much for just your life-giving encouragement.

2272
02:25:50.400 --> 02:25:53.680
And, um, I really, really appreciate it.

2273
02:25:53.680 --> 02:25:56.280
It's been very helpful in trusting me with your heart.

2274
02:25:56.680 --> 02:25:57.440
Absolutely.

2275
02:25:57.480 --> 02:25:57.760
Yeah.

2276
02:25:57.760 --> 02:26:03.040
You girl, you've, you've seen, you've seen the worst, literally

2277
02:26:03.040 --> 02:26:05.280
started a call with like, people just really pissed me off.

2278
02:26:06.720 --> 02:26:07.240
I loved it.

2279
02:26:07.240 --> 02:26:09.880
I was like, wow, that's great.

2280
02:26:13.520 --> 02:26:16.360
Everyone's out celebrating the witches and Halloween.

2281
02:26:16.440 --> 02:26:17.240
Oh, that's right.

2282
02:26:17.240 --> 02:26:17.640
That's right.

2283
02:26:17.640 --> 02:26:20.680
I, tomorrow at November 1st is always one of my favorite

2284
02:26:20.680 --> 02:26:23.280
days of the year because it's the day after the Halloween

2285
02:26:23.280 --> 02:26:25.880
and it's the longest I can, it's the furthest away in a

2286
02:26:25.880 --> 02:26:26.560
year that I can be.

2287
02:26:28.440 --> 02:26:29.280
Isn't that funny?

2288
02:26:29.840 --> 02:26:33.680
I look today with it's my first date, but go ahead.

2289
02:26:33.800 --> 02:26:35.480
You guys had a first date on Halloween.

2290
02:26:35.520 --> 02:26:35.760
Yeah.

2291
02:26:36.280 --> 02:26:36.960
I love that.

2292
02:26:37.400 --> 02:26:40.680
We didn't mean to, because we started dating on October the 30th, but

2293
02:26:40.680 --> 02:26:42.440
our first date was October 31st.

2294
02:26:43.040 --> 02:26:44.160
Well, it's reformation day.

2295
02:26:44.160 --> 02:26:44.760
So there's that.

2296
02:26:44.760 --> 02:26:45.720
That is right.

2297
02:26:45.760 --> 02:26:48.400
That's what, that's what Ken Fish reminded me of the other day.

2298
02:26:48.400 --> 02:26:49.960
He's like, Ashley, it's reformation day.

2299
02:26:50.000 --> 02:26:51.680
I'm like, that's what I'm clinging to.

2300
02:26:52.120 --> 02:26:53.480
But anyway, where were you going to stay?

2301
02:26:53.920 --> 02:26:57.040
I was just saying like, there's, there's, I don't think, I don't

2302
02:26:57.040 --> 02:27:00.800
know how like much you scroll on the internet, but I feel like

2303
02:27:00.800 --> 02:27:02.400
there's been so much conversation.

2304
02:27:02.440 --> 02:27:06.000
Like it feels this year more than ever of Christians debating whether or

2305
02:27:06.000 --> 02:27:12.000
not you should be allowed to celebrate Halloween and I'm just like, what is

2306
02:27:12.000 --> 02:27:14.520
the, like, why is this not obvious to people?

2307
02:27:15.040 --> 02:27:15.800
I know.

2308
02:27:15.840 --> 02:27:16.360
I know.

2309
02:27:16.400 --> 02:27:19.560
Well, uh, this guy named Jeremiah Johnson, someone posted something

2310
02:27:19.560 --> 02:27:21.840
that he wrote, um, and, uh, he's a.

2311
02:27:22.560 --> 02:27:23.480
I know who he is.

2312
02:27:23.560 --> 02:27:23.880
Okay.

2313
02:27:24.040 --> 02:27:26.000
I didn't see the post, but I know who he is.

2314
02:27:26.000 --> 02:27:26.200
Yeah.

2315
02:27:26.320 --> 02:27:29.880
So if someone, uh, posted screenshots as something that he'd posted and he was

2316
02:27:29.880 --> 02:27:34.880
just saying, I just, it's like, I can't believe that everyone gave that get,

2317
02:27:34.880 --> 02:27:40.760
everyone has been giving Satan all of the attention for 31 days by arguing.

2318
02:27:41.640 --> 02:27:44.400
He's arguing about whether or not Halloween is like, it's

2319
02:27:44.400 --> 02:27:46.320
also pastor appreciation month.

2320
02:27:46.800 --> 02:27:49.000
He's like, so have you done any of the good things?

2321
02:27:49.000 --> 02:27:50.200
Have you talked about you to do that?

2322
02:27:50.200 --> 02:27:55.320
Instead you focused on, you actually focused now, not that he worded

2323
02:27:55.320 --> 02:28:00.840
it like, like this, but we feed that, which we focus on, we make it stronger.

2324
02:28:00.840 --> 02:28:04.920
We draw more attention to it as opposed, same thing with like, uh, what's his

2325
02:28:04.920 --> 02:28:08.560
name and Denzel Washington and Morgan Freeman and I were just having this

2326
02:28:08.560 --> 02:28:09.920
conversation a couple of days ago.

2327
02:28:10.320 --> 02:28:13.880
I love two interviews that they were in because they both say someone

2328
02:28:13.880 --> 02:28:16.760
asked him something about, well, what do you think about the whole, you

2329
02:28:16.760 --> 02:28:20.320
know, about how racist America is right now and dah, dah, dah, and the fact

2330
02:28:20.320 --> 02:28:23.560
that they're, I don't remember how they worded the question, but both

2331
02:28:23.840 --> 02:28:27.880
Washington and Morgan Freeman said, look, if it really is not an

2332
02:28:27.880 --> 02:28:29.800
issue, you'll stop talking about it.

2333
02:28:31.040 --> 02:28:35.800
You won't, you won't like say, oh, well, you know, if it, it shouldn't be an issue.

2334
02:28:36.160 --> 02:28:37.200
It shouldn't be an issue.

2335
02:28:37.200 --> 02:28:38.320
You know, we're, we're equal.

2336
02:28:38.320 --> 02:28:41.920
They both said, if we're equal, then you don't talk about it

2337
02:28:42.160 --> 02:28:43.520
because you consider it equal.

2338
02:28:43.520 --> 02:28:46.840
It's only if you don't consider it equal that you keep talking about it.

2339
02:28:47.480 --> 02:28:50.880
They're like, they're both like, stop talking about it.

2340
02:28:51.320 --> 02:28:53.120
I was like, exactly.

2341
02:28:53.320 --> 02:28:55.320
So it's kind of like the same thing with Halloween.

2342
02:28:55.320 --> 02:28:59.760
If we want to, if it gives the most powerful way to combat the enemy is to

2343
02:28:59.760 --> 02:29:02.480
neutralize it, not to fight it so much.

2344
02:29:02.480 --> 02:29:04.800
So just like stop paying any attention.

2345
02:29:09.200 --> 02:29:10.480
Like just move on.

2346
02:29:10.720 --> 02:29:11.200
That's right.

2347
02:29:11.200 --> 02:29:12.840
It doesn't mean more Christian endorsement.

2348
02:29:12.840 --> 02:29:13.440
That's right.

2349
02:29:13.480 --> 02:29:18.920
Can you imagine how many times Halloween has increased in like the amount of, um,

2350
02:29:19.640 --> 02:29:24.120
what, whatever, like added to the statistics because the Christians have

2351
02:29:24.120 --> 02:29:28.560
been putting it had putting the word Halloween, it's like, don't like stay.

2352
02:29:28.560 --> 02:29:30.600
I, you know, it's like, it's everything that we're talking about.

2353
02:29:30.600 --> 02:29:30.800
Okay.

2354
02:29:30.800 --> 02:29:35.560
And messengers is like, guys, this is like, you have so much influence

2355
02:29:35.560 --> 02:29:38.800
here and you're just misusing it.

2356
02:29:38.840 --> 02:29:39.320
Like, so

2357
02:29:40.040 --> 02:29:42.280
put your energy in a different direction.

2358
02:29:44.240 --> 02:29:47.080
So, yeah, well, it's good to visit with you.

2359
02:29:47.080 --> 02:29:47.960
I'll let you go.

2360
02:29:47.960 --> 02:29:49.160
I know you've got to get up early.

2361
02:29:49.440 --> 02:29:49.880
Yes.

2362
02:29:49.880 --> 02:29:51.000
Get some rest tonight.

2363
02:29:51.000 --> 02:29:51.920
Sweet sleep.

2364
02:29:51.920 --> 02:29:53.160
And we'll talk soon.

2365
02:29:53.240 --> 02:29:53.760
Okay.

2366
02:29:54.040 --> 02:29:54.600
Bye.