Thank you for your patience.
It was a perfect storm, let me just say, it was just wild.
I checked out of the grocery store 30 minutes before the call and I was like, you know,
I was pushing it.
I was like, I do not think that this is fast, you know, I can get back fast enough.
So I called my husband and he like came, left work early to meet me at the car,
help me unload the groceries, put the cold stuff away.
But then long story short, I had his keys to the office but put him down because I thought
he was going to need them.
Then we decided to switch and he stay at the apartment and I go to the office.
I go all the way down, realize I don't have the keys because I'd left them for him.
He was going to come and then it's a several minute walk, you know, from our apartment
to the office and then he waits.
So I call him and he said, well, let Cecile, who works with him, let Cecile let you in.
I was like, great.
So I walk all the way back, call Cecile on the way and she said, I'm sorry, I'm no longer
at the office.
I'm like, okay, then nevermind.
I walk all the way back, pick up the keys and walk all the way back.
In the end, my computer had died, meaning like, you know, just the battery was shot,
meaning like there was no battery and it was dead.
And then even though it was plugged in, it wouldn't start.
So anyway, it was a perfect start.
So here I am, I'm sorry.
There were other things as well.
I'm like trying to leave the grocery store and all of a sudden all of these older people
who know each other, they're seeing each other in grocery store.
Hey, how are you doing?
And they're just shuffling along and they're literally like blocking the exit.
In the end, one of the guys stops talking to one of the couples that's on their way
out because another guy that he knows walks in.
So they stand there in the entrance of the grocery store, just talking.
No one can get in.
No one can get out.
You just stand there.
You just wait for him to finish.
And then they finish and then they all shuffle out and they keep talking and they're like
blocking the exit.
It was just one thing after another.
So anyway, sorry that I'm so late.
Oh, it's totally fine.
I'm working from home.
So it was good.
I appreciate you being flexible.
Yeah.
And I told Ed, so he's like, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
It was all this trouble.
I said, it's just been a weird day.
I said, I'm going to have to tell you about it later because there's a lady that wanted
to do a, well, I was going to do an ER, a transformation session earlier today with
someone I've never met someone in Europe.
And, but the thing is someone else had sponsored her and I don't usually allow that.
I don't allow someone to pay for someone else because I want them to want it enough
that they do what they need to do.
Because otherwise if someone pays for them, a lot of times that they, they just don't
take it as seriously.
And like, actually they're like, oh, I appreciate it.
And I'll sit and learn, but they're not willing to like make changes and stuff.
And so I don't usually allow it.
And I thought, well, I don't expect this person to like, like take all of this stuff and like
change.
They're just wanting this person to just be exposed to a new for your revelation.
Cause this person is a fairly new Christian.
I was like, oh, well then I was like, yeah, that's fine.
Well, long story short, I have, I have been reaching out to her in Europe, like three
times.
And she keeps giving me one reason after another at the last minute, why she can't make it.
And so finally I just gave up and I was just like, you know, I'm so sorry.
You're going through this.
I'm so sorry.
Your sister had COVID the first time.
And now I'm sorry that, you know, there was a family emergency night before last.
And, and then now I'm sorry that your phone's broken and, and you, I don't remember what
else she said and that she now has something tonight and can't get out of it.
She tried.
She's so sorry.
The end.
I said, I said, okay.
I said, I said, I'm so sorry.
You have all that going on.
You, you just let me know, reach out to me when you'd like to schedule.
So I thought I'm tired of like doing all the work for the past three times to make this
work.
So what I'm going to do is just give the money back to the lady who sponsored her.
Just like, let's just wait till it happens.
And you can pay me.
It's so creative work.
It's so much time.
And then to try to be.
flexible in your schedule to accommodate and then with different time zones,
international, all the things, so it is, it recall only is just like the best
thing ever that, you know, it allows you to make your, it allows you to pick what
times you're available and then other people can just pick their times.
Cause otherwise I was going back and forth on messenger for a long time before I found
Calendly and trying to figure out what would work and, and I'm like, where that's
for the birds.
So I, so now I'm trying to hydrate.
How are you?
I'm good.
Um, I've been so looking forward to our time together, getting, we haven't talked
to one-on-one in what, three weeks or something or that next week is six weeks.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm not ready to let go.
No, uh, it takes time.
It just takes time to get in the room and practice and the consistency with the
group is so helpful and chatting things through.
Um, and, and then, I mean, it's a, it's a new way of life.
It really is.
It's contrary to what most of your friends and family live.
And so to grab hold of it, it just takes a minute.
Yeah.
And so, uh, I think I I've made so much progress.
I know, I know that I have, and, you know, sometimes you don't really realize it
until you're on the other side and you're like, whoa, I'm, I'm a new person.
And so, um, and I don't want the, the acceleration to stop.
I need it.
I need it to continue on.
Cause I know I'm not nearly where I want to be or need to be.
And that's okay.
I'm okay with that.
Um, I think the one place that it's really, um, stuck on is, um, it pertains
to health in the sense that every, every month during my cycle, like a couple
of weeks out of the month, and I attribute it to, to a physiological thing
that's going on in my body.
So it's hard to separate the two, like what's spiritual, what's physiological,
what came from the physical.
Um, and, um, during these couple of weeks, like the intensity of my internal
world is so extreme that it's, it's hard to, to function, to process.
Um, like I feel so sensitive during that time that I like am offended at.
Every little thing, like right now my cycle is over.
I feel perfectly normal.
Like that's not a good thing.
I know it's not who God created me to be.
I know it's not, it's not me.
It's whatever it's being, whether it's spiritual, physio, physiological,
but I, I can't change it.
And it's like, I, it's almost, I have to like hide out.
Um, sometimes it's helpful to be traveling during that time because
I'm with strangers and it's hard to be offended by a bunch of strangers.
But I feel like every direction I turn in, like sometimes it's
like, okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
Like somebody breathes the wrong way or says something.
And maybe there is some truth to what they're doing.
That is, is whatever.
And I'm just highly sensitive, but I also know like my adrenals have crashed and I,
you know, the physiological side of it or response to that is a
hypersensitivity to circumstances.
And, um, I don't drink any caffeine because it makes all my symptoms worse.
So I'm like, how do I manage like two, two weeks out of every month is life.
And it's so intense, actually.
I feel like I, I just, this thing takes over and I can't do anything about it.
And so for me to take time to process each one of those offenses coming up,
I'm like swimming in this emotional world.
And then, and then, and on the back end, I know that it contributes to the,
the symptoms in my body because it's stress it's like added stress on my body.
Yeah, correct.
Like swimming in these high intense emotions.
And I just, I just don't know.
I'm not, I'm not running into do mode, but I, I know that this cycle can't keep on.
Like it's so overwhelming and I don't know how to stop it.
Yeah.
So when you're talking about offense, you're talking about like normal offense
things, like, I don't know, like, like you maybe, I don't know, you're walking
into a store and then with a friend and they don't hold the door open for you.
And so you have to stop and you have to catch the door to open it.
Like little, like things like that.
Right.
Like normal little things.
And then you get offended and like, wait, just a second.
We're talking about that kind of thing.
Right.
Yeah.
That kind of offenses.
Yep.
Those kinds of things.
Somebody just says something like my coworker who was in from out of state.
was here and I hadn't seen him for like months and we're at conference thinking of Bazzini
immediately just comes up to me hey I need this this and this like can I and I was like oh hi so
good to see you I haven't seen and it went into and I was just like so just triggered but it feels
like it comes from every angle or one of my best friends she's one of my best friends um and she's
a pastor in this environment and I love what the Lord is doing in her life and accelerating her
she's had so much favor but oftentimes we'll she'll say things like oh only pastors can go in
at this time or only pastors can sit there only pastors in and then and it just feels like just
stop like I get it it's like but and right now I'm just like oh I just know that that's just
something she's walking through it's fine like I just don't care I just don't care it doesn't
mean anything but I don't know the the frequency and the intensity of these offenses that are just
coming my way like it feels so overwhelming that I don't I just don't even know where to start
sifting through them I just want to like hide for that period of time yeah have you done the um have
you gone through the rest shifting tools have you looked at the last session I know you did like a
year ago or whenever you did have you recently I did I just finished all seven um but I just
used the last one and I really took like some of the bullet points out and just consolidated them
so I had a quick spot that I could just review in any given moment just in case they forgot
um and just the like the no the no judgment and I think that's that's probably the category in this
where this falls like I'm judging their behavior I'm judging their actions or what they did or
didn't do I don't I don't know but it shouldn't be like this and it should be different I shouldn't
be in this situation I shouldn't be having to deal with this it shouldn't have happened they
shouldn't have said it all of that right yeah yeah this just yeah yeah well and and usually
and that's what I tell everyone usually the no judgment thing is usually the culprit and it
usually is for me and I think that it usually is for everyone else as well so I tell people I said
you know I recommend that you start here and that you progress through if one if like one isn't
helping you shift into rest and just go to the next one and kind of like escalate them I said
but sometimes I just cherry pick one and I'm like I'm going with this one I said and it's usually
the no judgment one because I figured out that's usually what I'm dealing with but um so my I was
just kind of wondering if you just kind of had that that um that is as um it's something that
you've already kind of heard and listened to all those because and and because I don't mean
by any stretch of the imagination that you should take all of the that you should take every offense
and go through this through the different tools with each one because quite on especially with
especially during those two weeks because it's just too much it's overwhelming I use those things
and help and and uh and teach other people those tools so that they can use them if they want to
and if they find them helpful because it gives us an anchor for our soul so sometimes we just kind
of want to understand or we just want to have something that we can put words to and kind of
walk through you know it kind of solidifies something that otherwise can just feel like
this theoretical concept of a thing like okay I need to be different than what I'm being right now
well what about if I do no shame and condemnation or if I do no judgment or whatever
but so it's beneficial as far as all of that goes but in no in by no means is it supposed to be
overwhelming or hard or that we have to go through every offense in every moment using one of those
tools because sometimes uh sometimes we just those tools are kind of to help us help teach ourselves
how to recognize where it is that we are and instruct ourselves to shift and so the more that
we become familiar with feeling a particular way and how it feels to to exude our intent our
intention that we want it to change then the easier it is for us the more familiar we come with
become the more familiar we become with that the easier it is to just recognize it and then
to shift it without needing even a tool so it's just that the tools are beneficial you know we're
kind of like learning to familiarize ourselves with okay how am I feeling how can I kind of
grab a hold of that within myself and talk and and change to rest because we become familiar
with the unrest and recognizing it and we become familiar with the rest
And then we become familiar with how to get ourselves from here to here.
And so we just instruct ourselves to do it.
And then we just do it without needing a tool.
So my whole point is like, though, that the tools at least help teach familiarity,
but then I, I don't recommend going through a whole tool process.
Um, even sometimes picking like just one, when you're experiencing a period of so
much offense, because it's just, you're already dealing with enough overwhelm
with your emotions and then the sheer volume of, of the offenses that are
coming your way, it's just, it starts instead of alleviating, you know, the
pressure and creating relief, all of those tools and thinking about it and
thinking about shifting and making yourself move can just feel like more
work and just can add more.
So I wouldn't recommend that, but, um, but so anyway, um,
But before I go on, go on, is there anything in particular other that you
wanted to approach, is there any particular direction that you wanted to
approach this from, or that you wanted to kind of like help from, or you're like,
well, I don't know, like, how would you articulate what it is that you're
wanting, wanting help with, like specifically, I think I just, I just
keep wavering back and forth from like, um, I think, I mean, something needs to
be done simultaneously, whether addressing these things and shifting
during this time of experiencing these intense offenses.
Um, but I just feel so stuck.
Like, I, I feel like I have to do something to address it in the
physical, like the physiological.
And I know that we do it from a place of rest, but feeling so overwhelmed
just because of the long, long road that I've been on of like, how do I make
a decision into going back and seeing a naturopathic doctor again?
Where do I even start again?
Or is this all, um, is this all an emotional issue that got me to this
place in this place to begin with?
Um, that it has to be addressed from the emotional angle.
I just feel like so overwhelmed with just like making a decision, you know,
making a decision.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to, I'm having a hard time connecting the decision with what you
were talking about with the offense.
Are we talking about two different things or
yeah, like making a decision on like, what, what do I do?
I know I'm not, do I go and explore the, the natural route again?
Um, from a place of rest, but yeah, I, um, I know that you mentioned the other
day, like, oh, if you're like, so sensitive that you're just feeling offended
from every angle, like the people that you had to go and see, but then that is
triggering to me as well.
Cause I'm like, I've done so much inner healing and you're like, oh, just put
your hope in the next person who is going to be able to help or correct.
And sometimes this all feels way more intense than, than other days.
Some days I'm just doing real life, but when I actually have to stop and talk
about it, it feels really intense.
Yeah.
Um, okay.
So, um, what I would recommend is going to the last two, uh, like tools about,
about rest, where the first one is, because I believe that what you should
do is like kind of a combination of them.
So the first one, which is where honestly, we just spend the most of our
lives is in a combination of those two.
And the first one is, you know, to choose that what God says is true and
go where your spirit finds peace.
And you know that that is like actual faith and what God said and then acting
on it, do that to the degree that you can.
And then let me show you this, visualize this for you.
And then I think it'll help because I think then you'll just remember that our
conversation strictly off of, you know, the picture.
Um, well, I say that now I'm like, now that I have paper, I'm like, now how do
I, how do I draw what I, it is that I saw in my head, but, um, uh,
kind of like, okay, this is, this is going to be a little, it's going to be
very crude drawing, but here we go.
Crude meaning like just rough.
Um, uh, so let's see here.
Okay.
To say, for instance, that this is like the total amount of faith that, or
whatever, this is your problem.
Let's just say that this is whatever problem that you're trying to deal with.
Agree with God, choose what he says is true about himself to the.
degree that you can. And by choose, remember that we're talking about, like, okay, if he
says it, then I am choosing that it is my reality, even though I don't feel like it,
even though I don't believe it. Just reckless abandon. Do it just to the degree that you
can. And remember, like, say that this is, this is your whole thing, issue right now
that you're wanting to, that you're facing and you're wondering, how do I handle this?
How do I handle the fact that you just write it up here? This is the two weeks. Um, I don't
know what we're going to call it, but we're going to call it two weeks of, you know, sensitivity.
That's just what we'll call it. So that's what you're trying to deal with, you know,
two weeks out of the month, you know, so half your life, right? So you're wondering, how
do I deal with this whole thing? Partly it's probably partly physiological. And, uh, what
does that end, you know, has to do with your endocrine system, you know, your, your, um,
hormones, you know, and, you know, and just your emotions and spiritual and everything,
you know, it's a big, it's a big, uh, cause you're a very, um, you're a multifaceted being.
And so there's multiple things going on here. So anyway, so out of all of this, just do
what it is that you can just choose and go where your spirit finds peace. But for the
rest of it, declare that what God says is true and then go where your soul finds peace.
So remember that God is saying, you know, I want you to believe that I am this good.
You know, I am here. I'm all the way. I am this good. I want you to believe that you're
like, okay, Lord, Lord, I can believe it. Meaning like I can choose it and act on it.
In other words, risk my risk, the decisions that I make in my life, et cetera, in this particular
area, I can do it to this degree, but for the rest of this Lord that I can't believe it. In
other words, I can't choose it enough. I can't choose it to that degree, declare that it's true.
Just declare it. Meaning like you are, it's more than just like saying it with your mouth. It's
you, you, you choose it to the degree that you can. And, but because you can't act on it,
then really what you're doing is you're not actually choosing it for yourself,
but you are declaring it. You're wanting it. You're wanting to believe it. You basically,
you're, you're willing to be willing to believe it. So you're like, God, this is all I've got.
So if you're saying you're that good, then I'm going to declare to myself, God, if that's what
you say you are, then I'm declaring that that is what you are, but you don't believe it enough.
And you're not declaring it enough to actually act on it yet. And that's fine. God's just like,
Hey, you believe me to this degree and you're willing to believe me to this degree. And we'll
just get there. So for this part, you just declare it. And now you go where your soul finds peace.
And so that is where you, um, where you were, what, where is your faith in your soul?
To what degree is it like, in other words, is it Tate, is it going, you know,
to, um, a naturopathic doctor and looking at natural, um, natural remedies and potential
solutions for helping you, um, helping support yourself physiologically, you know, or is it
doing another Sozo or is it doing another inner healing session or whatever, where,
what does your soul believe that what gives your soul peace that that thing will help fix you.
And then do that. But here's the difference in how you used to do it versus now. So now you're
declaring that God is that good, whatever it is, he says, you were declaring God, you were that
good. And now Lord, I am taking all of these things, whether it's like, whether it's Western
medical pill, you know, like I said, I had, I had depression. And so I finally took a pill,
um, whether it's a pill or it is, um, Sozo or at some other inner healing session, or I don't know
what other, you know, naturopathic doctor, whatever it is. Um, you're you take those things
and you say, okay, God, you're a very good God. And I believe that you gave, you're the one who
created everything to work the way that it did. People have discovered that Sozo is extremely
healing to people, but you're the one who created that to work. Someone else just discovered it.
The same thing with Western medicine, the same thing with naturopathic medicine,
the same thing with, um, what was the other thing we were talking about? I don't remember,
but anyway, all of these different options, Lord, those things work because you created them. You
put them into existence, those principles, those, those physical materials and chemicals,
you know, et cetera. You're the ones who created those to work wide.
you're a good God. You knew that there, you gave us a tools that we could use to help ourselves
if we weren't going to choose you to help us. So because you created them and you created them
for our, for my comfort and for my relief, because you're a good God, I'm going to receive
it. And so therefore it's a gift. I'm going to receive this as a, as a gift that was created
by my father for me, because he's good. And because he's love. So you've declared that he's
good. You've declared that he's love and you're actually receiving these things that he's created
as him being good as his goodness expressed to you. And as his love expressed to you,
as opposed to what we used to do, which was, well, God, I don't know why you're not taking
care of me. So I'm just going to go out and try to find my own solution. So that is turning
to worldly things and choosing that, choosing, choosing them by turning our back on God,
believing that he'd abandoned us and that we're separated. And now we're trying to fend for
ourselves. So what we're doing is we're trying to create a bit of a segue to begin to, for ourselves
to be able to transit, to be able to transition from us approaching worldly principles and things
that God created that we're trying to grab on our own, because we believe that we're abandoned.
We're trying to, we're trying to transition from that to believing God that, Hey God, you're my
only source. Even when I use these things, you're my only source. So what we're doing, because we
can't yet get from here to here, we're at least going to try to start leaving, start leaving here
and start moving our way this way, which is declaring that he's as good as he is. And that
that's why we're taking this. We're taking this as a gift from him, not chasing it because we're
trying to find our own solution, believing that we're abandoned. We're taking this, choosing that
we're not abandoned and that this is proof that we're not abandoned. God is the one who provided
us this means to take advantage of. So you see how it's a segue. We're starting to, we're starting
to transition and we just do it. And that's just where our faith is right then in that particular
area. I do that with all kinds of things in my life. In fact, as much as I teach about rest and
as much as I wish that I believed God, I believe that the majority of my life is currently either
being lived here or in the middle. I think that ratio wise, the amount to which I could believe
God, I believe that very little of it is lived over here. You know, like I said, as much as I
talk about it, I don't believe that. I believe that God is so big and so infinite and there's
full and he allow, and he has created such possibility of living in an existence as a
son of God that I, I've hardly scratched the surface. So anyway, so that just, just to tell
you all of this out of, you know, there's no condemnation for this. This is where I believe
I live. I, and more, most people live the majority of their lives. What we're trying to do though,
is to believe God and be supple and willing and flexible to begin to transition from
calling him a liar to Lord, I'm trying to believe you. I'm trying to have faith. So we declare it
and we receive these things as a good gift from a good father. So what we're doing is we're kind
of living like the prodigal son. And the fact that, that, well, I see it like the prodigal son.
How would you, how would you put it? I don't really know. Maybe that's really not a good,
a good description because it's probably somewhere between the prodigal son and the, and the,
the, and the older brother. The fact that, you know, the prodigal son asked his father, you know,
for his inheritance early. And so the father gave him the inheritance. So the guy said, hey, I want
to go off and take care of myself. I don't want you to do it anymore. And then he had the audacity
to ask for his father for the means by which to do it. And the father gave it to him. In our world,
that's called enabling, but to God, that was his way of loving. But he said, I'll give you this,
but understand that the principles by which this works, because it's separated from me and I'm life
itself, this will run out and it has no life in it. It's not even like, well, it'll eventually
lead to death. No, because it's separated from me, it has no life in it. So it's not, it's not,
not only does it eventually run out and like lead to death, but there's, it doesn't even give you
life as you're, as you're using it. It doesn't, you know, it, it, it's not working to pour anything
into you or pour anything into, into, you know, your, your life and your environment or whatever.
It's, um, there's just, there's just no, um, I don't wanna say no substance to it.
Cause that doesn't really seem like the right word, but anyway, so what we're
doing is we are acknowledging that it's because our father loved us, that he
gave us this as opposed to God, you don't love me.
So therefore I'm going to go find it on my own.
What we're doing is we're, we're transitioning by saying, God, I believe
that the reason I have this is because you love me and because you're good.
You say that you were this good and you're this loving.
I can only act on it to this degree that I do believe that you were loving good
to such a degree that I can act on it and risk my life to this extent, you
know, risk aspects of my life to this extent, the rest of it, I'm going to
declare that where I go, where my soul finds peace, what my soul relies on,
which are all of these modalities to save me and all these principles that
if I follow a formula, the formula will work for me, you know, if I reach out
and grab a hold of this thing, I can save myself, I'm believing that the
reason that I have that is because you gave it to me as a gift so that when I
reach out, I have something to grab because it's a good father, it's a
loving father, which are both of the things that he said that he was that
would provide a means by which to satisfy me when I'm reaching out in
need, he gives me something outside of himself to be able to take advantage
of, as opposed to just leaving me on my own like, well, you know, that's
what you get what you deserve.
You walked away from me.
So, you know, have fun and see if you can make it.
He's like, I will make provision for you to take care of yourself.
You just have to work for it.
Meaning like you're going to have to like sweat for it, whatever.
So anyway, this is a bit of a transition and that's what I would
recommend during this time is, and really it's, it's not just recommend during
this time, this is just really how we live life.
We've got to understand that we're always somewhere in the, in a journey.
We're always somewhere where we're believing God to what extent that we
can, and then the rest of it, we're just, we're declaring what God wants us to
declare that what he says about himself is true in that we are doing what it is
that we're doing, because we're believing that that's an expression of what he's
saying he is anyway.
So that's what I would recommend as one thing.
Were you able to get off the antidepressants eventually?
Yeah.
I mean, it's like, I believe that God.
I believe that God is our healer and that he can heal instantaneously and
that it is a spiritual battle.
Like I really do believe that it's all spiritual.
And even though my belief system is there, I know that all these
supplements have side effects.
I know that it's not an end all be all it's not curative.
It might relieve some symptoms so I can catch my breath.
Like I know that it's not his best, but I don't know.
It's frustrating.
I think for me, because I know that I believe this thing, but I'm not able to
get there.
I'm not able to get there and experience it physically manifested in my body.
Not that supplements have even served me really well in the past anyway, like
they've temporarily alleviated some symptoms, but it's so the thought of
going back into that cycle again, that seems frustrating as well to invest
anything, my time, my energy, my efforts, my work, right.
Because it does, it requires diligence.
It requires a lot of money.
It requires all these things that I don't, I don't want to invest.
I don't want to utilize that route.
And sometimes I think it becomes in desperation.
Like, I believe you're this thing and I believe you're that I actually do believe
that, but I don't know where to reconcile this gap that of me not experiencing it.
Yeah.
But God is pleased with you where it is that you are without, without being able
to reach there yet with you being where you are and being, and this is a bad way
to phrase it, but I'm just going to use a word.
Cause I know that it would be like your greatest fear.
So I'm going to actually say on it to say it is to be dependent on those things,
because that's how you're acting.
That's how I act.
I act depend is my body acts.
And I don't mean like, like acts dependent on them, like drugs.
I just mean like acts dependent on like sleep or needing to eat at all.
Or, you know, there's some people that have enough faith to not eat at all.
I'm not there yet. So, um, you know, um, and just be sustained by word. That's great. May it be
into me one day, Lord. But right now I'm just not, my body is still dependent on food emotionally.
I'm dependent on certain things. So we, so the important thing is that we, that we believe that
God is so good and so loving that he's okay with us where it is that we are being as dependent as
we are on things outside of him, emotionally, psychologically, and physically, spiritually,
you know, whatever, whatever area. And, um, so we have to relieve ourselves of that condemnation
and come into at least an agreement. Again, if we can't believe that God is this good,
that we're like, we'll know, you know, like everything you said, God, I know that this is
possible. I know that all of this is spiritual. I know that, you know, all of those things that
you just mentioned, this is what I know is true. God, then why am I not responding like that
emotionally or physically? Why am I not acting like what it is that I believe? And, and so
what we have to realize is that if we can't come into agreement with this fully, we have to,
we have to come into agreement with God to what point that we can. And that is, okay.
If I, if I can't, you know, come into that full agreement, I can at least come into an agreement
with the fact that he is, is so loving and so good that he, how would I word this? Um,
that he is pleased with me and loves me and enjoys me unconditionally where I currently am
in the fact that I am dependent and I'm not here yet. That me being on the journey and me
being dependent on those things is enough for him. I can at least try to come into agreement
with that, that at least I'm not in condemnation. So if I can't come into agreement with him fully
to this extent, I can at least come into agreement with the fact that wherever it is that I am,
I'm not condemned. So that's what I was saying earlier when I was talking like with, I don't
remember if it was on posts or if it was on some fireside chats or whatever, where I was telling
people, you know, you just come to the, to, if you can't agree with God on something, come into
agreement with him on something else. You know, if you can't, you know, and, uh, like some people
were struggling with the fact that he, um, what was the example I gave? Like that he would provide
for them or I don't know, provide for them certain amount of money or something. And it was like,
okay, well, if you can't agree with the Lord about that yet, come to agreement with something. To
what degree can you believe that he said, cause he says that he also loves you. And he says
that unconditionally, he says that he's good. He says that you abide in him. And then, so pick one
of those. And to what degree can you believe that he is that thing? And if you can't agree with any
of those, at least, and this is a big one that I've been drilling into people lately, just because
of where it is that I'm finding that they are at least come into agreement with choosing that you
are enjoyable, that God delights in you enjoy yourself. And so some of the things that I've
been in encouraging certain members in, um, is, is to go find something that they like to do and
finally let themselves do it. Cause so much of us are, you know, like me and some of these other
people been holding ourselves back from letting ourselves do hobbies and certain things that we
really like to do. Cause we're so afraid that, well, what if God doesn't like it? What if it's
not like, what if he's considered a waste of time? What if, you know, surely there's something more
spiritual I'm supposed to be doing, or I don't know, just whatever, or what if I'm just, what
if I'm just not going to be very good at it? Or what if I already know that I'm not as good as
somebody else? So surely, you know, me wanting this isn't good. And we have to begin to at least
choose is God good enough to the degree that he says that he is that your desires are to be delighted
in. So at least agree, at least come into agreement with him about that and step out in faith and
actually act on something you want to do. Cause you're not letting yourself, cause you don't
think God's that good. So at least try that one. That's a risk that you have to take. So try that
one. And so I'm like trying to figure out where can you come into agreement with God? And so that
was it. That was an easier one.
And then I was hoping that people would be able to grab ahold of.
It's like, well, you know, I don't know that I can believe
God about my finances, whatever.
Okay.
Well, what is a hobby that you want to do?
Have you ever wanted to do horseback riding?
Well, yeah, no, nobody that I've talked to has, but I'm just using that as an
example, because that was me.
I wanted to, that was one of, huh?
Yeah, I wanted to.
And so I looked into it and whatever I ended up not doing it simply because
I chose other things instead, you know, cause I have, I have a lot of interests.
I I'm always finding something that I want to learn or know how to do, but
anyway, so I just, uh, and one of the things was horseback riding.
And so I told them, I was like, for instance, you don't have to commit to
a huge thing when you want to finally start trying to step out in your own
desire and try to believe that God is so good that if you want something.
Act on it and enjoy you enjoying it for the heck of it, not to accomplish
something, not to refer it to succeed to a particular degree, not for anyone
to notice, not for anyone to like, just you enjoying the actual doing of it.
I said, for instance, I said, you don't have to make a big commitment.
Just get one horseback riding lesson.
You don't have to commit to five.
You don't have to do a month.
One, just one.
I said, and do it fast so that you actually are acting more.
You're acting on that faith, not like, okay, yeah, schedule it out.
And it'll be two weeks from now.
And I'll work up my courage.
Nope.
You told you're, you're telling God, God, I believe you.
So here I go.
So then you act on us and you enjoy you.
And, um, I, I gave, um, a few people, this example of one of the people,
Laurie Jess, who's who's in the group and she's posted a few times.
So she was, she's somebody from like 2020 and, um, and she, uh, was, she
was having this problem and she wouldn't mind me.
Um, I, I never talk about, um, other people and what other people are going
through, but this is one of those things that she is free enough that she would
let me, um, that she would let me tell people this, in fact, she gave a testimony
about it and posted it in like 2021.
Um, that I had worked with, um, that I'd been talking to her about, uh, or no,
she told me, she said, Ashley, I, I used to love photography.
That's her, one of her businesses.
She said, I love photography.
Um, you know, I do weddings and stuff like that.
And I, um, and I started in high school, I think, I think started in high
school before she was even 18.
And she said, just because I liked it.
And she said, and then people started hiring me for it because they, they
liked it and they thought I was good.
And so they started hiring me.
I said, I loved it.
It was so much fun.
She said, but then eventually it morphed into me trying to please
everybody and making sure that they had everything that they wanted.
And, and then she said, I've noticed that my creativity started being stifled
and now it's not fun anymore.
I dread it.
And she said, and I love doing it.
Why on earth do I now dread something that I actually love?
And I, and so I said, I said, well, you don't need to be driven by the customer.
So you need to be driven by your spirit because it's your spirit that
needs to operate out into the world.
And so anyway, so I was telling her all of this.
And so she's like, okay, so finally I'll, um, so I, I told her, I said,
here's what I recommend doing.
Because she thought, she said, I can't access my creativity anymore.
She's like, I don't know why it won't come out or something like that.
And I said, okay, so here's what you do to re-spark it.
I said, just think about something that you want to do.
I said, it could be completely irrelevant to photography,
completely irrelevant to anything else.
Think of something that you want to do.
That sounds fun.
Not the end result sounds fun.
The process of doing the thing sounds fun.
Like while you're doing it, you are feeling alive.
It's like, there's something in you that's just coming alive.
I said, and do it.
Don't work towards a specific goal of like, well, I want X, you know, whatever.
So she decided she wanted to do a YouTube video and she
wanted to do it on like some craft.
It had nothing whatsoever to do with photography, but she did
some YouTube video and she just did a craft because she thought that
doing the video and doing the craft.
So in other words, the process of it would be fun.
In other words that she was enjoying herself.
So she started it.
So she did it and overnight it went viral.
So she's just like, how did that happen?
And I was like, because you gave you.
And so that goes out into the universe that goes out, not just out of aging,
but that goes out, you know, into creation and it responds to a son of
because you weren't catering to, or being driven by somebody else's creations
or people's like pulling on you and desires and what it is that they wanted
and their dictations and their definition, you allow, you allowed yourself to.
feel and experience you and just you experiencing you was captured and recorded.
And then you were put it out there and other people decided they wanted that. They wanted
that genuineness. They wanted to watch what it is you were doing. They liked the feel of it,
et cetera. So, but they couldn't do that if you weren't being you uninhibited, where,
where you were just allowing yourself to be who it is that God created you to be.
So anyway, that is one example of someone that has just, that just, you know, believed that,
that, that practiced trying to step out in, okay, well, would is what is inside of me? Is it good
enough? You know, it's like, well, if God says that it is, then act like it, what would you do?
Like, well, then I would do something that I wanted to do. And then, you know, so allow yourself
the experience of enjoying you. So that's just one example, but just going where it is that you
going to what it is acting on what it is, what it is that you can agree with God on.
And then as far as like some of these, like, like how it is that you are living your life right now,
while you're going through these two weeks a month, where it's just heightened sensitivity
along the same line of what I was just talking about. I would recommend that like what we've
been talking about the past couple of weeks, and we've been focusing a lot on is, you know, choosing,
choosing yourself, choosing that you are, that you're, that you are valuable enough to enjoy
and to, to, to value, to pick and to spend time on. So I wouldn't, I would, I would recommend not
trying to push yourself during those two weeks. Because what you'd be doing is you'd be doing that,
you'd be allowing your time, allowing yourself a time of healing and doing what a friend of
mine refers to as writing a new record. I don't know if you've listened to Chris Blackaby at all.
So Chris Blackaby talks about that. He says, writing a new record where God will put you back
into other, into old situations where you believed a lie about him. And now we'll put you back in that
situation in order for you to have the opportunity to choose to believe what he says about himself,
even though you're in an old situation that would trigger you, right? So anyway, so that's what
you're experiencing every two weeks is being in the same situations over and over. And they may not
be the exact like physical situations, but emotionally triggering the same situations.
And, and then to, to now make a different choice, but I wouldn't make it hard. What I would imagine
what, instead of trying to believe something about God, like, or about yourself, like, okay, well,
no, no, no, I really am safe. I really am protected. You know, I really am loved because
those are probably a lot of the offenses that are being triggered is I'm not safe. I'm not loved.
I'm rejected. I'm alone. I'm separated. I'm, you know, those kinds of things. So you can choose
to use those, but those might be too those might be too challenging because you've got so much
going on at once. You've just got an overload for two weeks. So I would recommend not even
working on that because I think that you've got, you're under so much weight. I would just focus on
evaluating yourself and enjoying yourself during that time and not trying to push through and
learn hard things during that time. Like, okay, well, I'm trying, in other words, stop
trying to strengthen yourself spiritually or make hard decisions like hard spiritual decisions
or doing the, working really hard to do the right thing, you know, and going this extra
mile to be Christ. And I would recommend not doing that and choosing instead to come into
agreement with God, to the degree that you're good enough and you're fine. You may not be able
to believe you're safe. You may not be able to believe that you are protected, may not be able
to believe that you are not alone. You know, those might be a little too challenging simply because
of the enor, the volume that you're dealing with and the weight. So what I would choose is I,
what I would recommend is doing like this spiritual rest version of self-care,
enjoy yourself, choose you as someone that is opposed, as opposed to choosing that. No, no,
no. They really do love me. We're going to know God really does love me. And I need to stop
believing that you love you. You be for yourself, what you wish they were.
or you what wish you wish God was.
And that will be you coming into an agreement with God
to the extent that you can,
of the fact that you are valuable.
Because that's what he says that you are.
So you treat yourself like that.
So that is you actually choosing something
and acting on it.
So that really is faith.
So you're having faith of what God says about you.
And that's what I would recommend.
That really, that's what I started out with
even before God ever told me about choosing him.
And what is it that God, I choose that you be who it is
that you are over my lifestyle.
And that you just manifest your character.
I choose your character over my lifestyle.
And I choose that you manifest that character into my life
regardless of what it makes my life look like.
That was at least 10 months after I felt not safe with God.
So for 10 months, I was not, didn't feel safe with God
or at least six, let me say six,
because it was six months between December, 2018,
when I was just like, okay, I choose myself now.
And then July, 2019, when I first heard
Chris Blackaby's message about our identity in Christ,
et cetera.
And for that six months, it was just like,
I choose that I'm really not as bad
as I thought that I was.
That God really did create a good thing.
So I couldn't believe much about God,
but I could at least believe that he made me more free
than I had been believing.
So I did that for six months before God introduced me
to believing in choosing himself.
That gave me six months of healing because,
and what I would do is I would think,
what do I want?
And then I would start doing those things.
As weird as it sounds, that is spiritual self-care.
That was loving on me.
That was allowing myself permission to do things
that I always wanted God to give me permission to do.
God, can I do this hobby?
God, I really like this.
Can I spend my time on this?
Can I spend like a lot of time on it?
You know, and whatever.
Well, I wanted God to give me permission for that.
I wanted my parents to give me permission to that.
I wanted somebody else
to emotionally give me permission for that.
I gave myself permission because no one else was doing it.
Anyway, so I would imagine that that,
I would hope that that would be helpful to you
in those situations because you're wanting something
from people that they're not giving,
that you feel like they're not giving.
So I'm not making a judgment call
about whether or not it's happening.
We're talking about the fact that you're in a situation
where you're feeling offended.
In other words, you don't feel you're getting it.
So you don't feel it.
Let's go from that standard.
Like, okay, I don't feel it.
So therefore I'm not receiving it.
So therefore I will give it to myself.
They're not giving it to me
and I don't feel God's giving it to me.
So I will give it to me.
And then I would recommend just like,
you know, what we're talking about here,
declare and go where your soul finds peace.
Declare that the reason that you're choosing yourself
is to that degree and giving it to yourself
is because God says you're that good.
And that's what I always tell God is I say,
God, the reason that I'm doing whatever it is
that I'm doing, whenever I'm operating in this part
right here, I'm declaring and going
where my soul finds peace.
I always tell God, God, the reason I'm picking this one
is because I believe that this is who you're saying
that you are.
And this is where my soul feels happy or feels safe.
Or feels secure or feels loved.
So I'm gonna receive this.
You know, I'm gonna, I don't know, do whatever it is
that, you know, I've decided I wanna do
that's gonna make me feel really good and comforted
and whatever else.
And believe while I'm doing the thing
that God loves me that much, that I can do that.
And that honestly will heal you
because what you are doing
is you're putting yourself experientially in a situation
for him to show up and prove to you
that that's what he really is like.
As opposed to us not ever letting ourselves step into it
and then always just having to believe by faith
that, well, if I were to step into it,
God would show up like he is.
No, put yourself there.
Because the reason that we're not stepping into it
is we highly doubt that God's actually gonna do that.
So this is us acting on our faith like,
okay, God, if you say that,
I'm going to put myself there and act like it.
So is this making sense?
What are your thoughts?
Yeah, definitely.
I think when I do those things,
when I say self-care, I mean, just like.
loving myself well and just eating those moments.
Not always like the spa, but yeah, he's having compassion and being super kind.
And I had seen a measure of breakthrough in those things.
And so again, choosing to like, not just choosing, like genuinely believing,
like, I know that he's a healer.
I know that he created me for a plan and a purpose and, and yes, for, for
intimacy with him and just to be able to run and to be happy and to be full of
joy and to be overflowing with the fruits of the spirit.
Like, I really do believe that.
And even though I don't, I know I'm not experiencing it in its entirety right
now, um, I, yeah, I just like during, especially during those, those couple
of weeks and just like the intensity of, of work and, um, or just, just not
even the intensity, just the responsibility, like you still have to show up, you know,
you still have to put in your 40, 50 hours.
Like you just, just have to, that's the agreement you have on paper.
Right.
Um, and I, I still like, I think wrestle with the idea of like, if my greatest
desires just experience complete healing in my body, and if there was a chance
that, that, um, I could get to that destination quicker, if I just walk away
and just stop the busyness of life and allow my body to rest and my adrenals to
rest and find a new baseline and build from that place, like, and then I think
I just still like wonder if it was possible to get to that place where I'm
wanting to go, um, and I know, yeah, I don't know, I've done drastic things
like that, by the way, I'm not saying that I know what it is that you should
do in your situation, but I will tell you that I've done, I've chosen drastic
things like that, where I've just chosen to walk away from what seems like, um,
uh, uh, responsive, uh, the responsible choice or the responsible job, the
whatever, um, because I was so desperate to gain the life that I just knew that,
um, God intended us to live.
And by life, I mean, existence, not even necessarily the life on this earth.
It's like, there's something inside of us that, that life, regardless of
the, of what we're doing out here, that life, it's just like, this is not what I
thought.
And, um, and so I just made very drastic decisions and yes, I did have to, um, and
I went through a lot of, a lot of, uh, struggle, um, where, um, the way that
things worked out for me, just to give you an idea of what happened is, you know,
I ended up leaving my job and I tried to make other jobs work.
I started, um, I left my brick and mortar, um, uh, left doing business
consulting in brick and mortar, like hit locations and thought, well, I would
like, well, what would I like?
Well, I would like to be able to have the flexibility to work from home.
And I would like to be able to do, I don't know, to just have more control of my
schedule and my, my clients and whatever.
So I would, so I'm going to try to make that work.
So I left my job.
It kind of like petered out.
Um, with outside of my control, but at the same time, I also wasn't fighting
hard for it because I was just done.
I was actually in a, in a contract where I was being, um, uh, I was being bullied.
And that, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was so bad that when I was
the buffer between this, the owner and, uh, and like even the president of the
company, I, as the consultant, I was the buffer and I, um, and, and they made me
look really bad to the other owner who I had personal relationship with.
And so the other owner had to basically like demote me, you know, in the contract.
And, um, uh, and I asked the Lord, Lord, well, can I walk away?
And he said, no, this is my, the provision that I've made for you.
And I was like, Lord, this is humiliating.
I literally am going from being, from being like right under the owner to
now low man on the totem pole.
I'm like writing reports in the sales room.
Like they're all taking sales or any commissions and I'm over there
writing reports, taking instructions.
So I'm like, Laura, this is so hard.
And he said, this is my provision.
for you. I was like, okay, so I just took it. So I did it. But
the point was that it was a really difficult situation when
I was removed from being the buffer, the president got it got
all of that all of that bullying from the owner, as well as the
CFO, the head of sales, which was a big position, it was kind
of like the equivalent of like, a VP, you know, and whatever. So
all of these other like, big people, they all began to
receive the brunt from this guy. And when I finally went back a
year later, that that owner did some horrible things to all of
those people, including the other owner. And he left them
all in a really bad financial place. He like really did
mishandle the finances, and then left them holding the bag and a
state laughing thought and thinking this is a Christian, by
the way, he had been a missionary overseas. I know, I
known this person, but not well, but I'd known this person for
10 years. This is not what you would expect. Anyway, so it's
this really difficult situation. So anyway, the second owner, I
talked to him a year later, and he's like, Ashley, I'm so sorry
for you know, or he's like, this is what happened. This is what
the other guy did to us, you know, and he's eventually gone
or whatever. And I said, I am so sorry, I went through that. I
said, Do you remember when I worked for y'all a year ago, and
I was going through so much trouble, and then he demoted me
and all of that. He said, Yeah, I said, I didn't know the word
for it back then, because I'd never experienced it before. But
since then, I've grown up and I realized what that was. So that
was narcissistic bullying. I said, I, I've never been through
that situation before. And it was it was really bad. I said,
that's why I was acting the way that I was, I was trying to keep
my head above water, and figure out how to manage things that
the guy made it look like I was doing a really bad job when
really, he wasn't working with me. And he wanted a yes man and
all of that. And no, I'm, I'm a consultant. So I'm not. I'm not,
you know, the lackey. Anyway, he went back to his head of people,
all of those people, and talked to them and said, Hey, you
remember, Ashley, that worked here last year? They're like,
Yeah, they said, Well, this is what she said went on while she
was there. And I'm wondering after she left, did y'all
experience any of that from him? They broke down crying, grown
people. So he went back and told me said, Ashley, I'm so glad
that you told me all of that. Because I was able to talk to
all those people and apologize for having for them having been
in that situation where I wasn't protecting them. He didn't know
they needed protecting. He didn't know I needed protecting.
But the point is, he's like, regardless of whether or not I
knew, I didn't protect them. And emotionally, that's how it
affected them. And some of them, you know, the President included
said, Oh, yeah, I almost left multiple times, because it was
just so bad. Anyway, so telling you, there was a reason I was
telling you that story. What was I telling you? What are we
talking about?
Big moves and leaving everything?
Yes, thank you. So anyway, so it kind of happened where it was
out of my control, but it was kind of in it anyway. So I went
from that, and just thought, okay, I'm going to try to build
my own business, you know, why it was my own business, but do
it like, you know, remotely. So I tried all kinds of things. I,
I paid 1000s of dollars in courses, trying to learn how to
do this stuff. And, and after doing it for it took me working
on it for 11 months, all day long, every day, burning out it
not working for 11 months, before I finally got paid for it
paid for the first time. And so that was like multi businesses
of multi businesses of having tried. And finally, I got a
paycheck. And I did it for it was a business. It was for
business consulting, kind of like from a spiritual
perspective, of how to do business as a Christian. And so
that's what it was. Anyway, so I did that for about four months
before I realized, wait a minute, all of this stuff that
I'm talking to people about, they're asking, actually, how do
I apply this, these spiritual principles in my life? And then
I and then as I was telling them how to do it in their
relationships, and all of that, well, then I realized, wait a
minute, what I'm teaching those on how to is how to live their
life and run their businesses from a place of rest. And then
in April of 2020, that's when it started the rest intensive, for
free, by the way, I didn't charge any of those people, I
had no money. And I tried and I said, and I, I committed myself
to an entire month of teaching people teaching a group, which
is something I'd never done.
ever done one-on-one teaching a whole group of people, something for 30 days.
And I had, um, I had no money.
Okay, Lord, here we go.
So I have done, and then that ended up going, um, really well.
And so the next, after the 30 days, I started a new one and, or
inviting more people in, and then I started charging and I don't
remember how much I charge.
Oh, that's what it was.
I did a commitment gesture where I don't charge a specific amount.
I literally just stand, sit with someone for an hour, hear their story and then
just tell them, Hey, whatever's on your heart between you and the Lord of how
much you want to commit to yourself, commit of yourself to this, to, um,
going through this program, you just pay me that amount and
everyone pay different amounts.
So I just like submitted myself to Lord, Lord, here I go.
So I've done very big and drastic things.
And my point in telling you all of that is, and telling you all
those details is it wasn't easy.
And my, my family thought I was being irresponsible.
Um, cause there I was, I was what, 35 years old, you know, and they're
like, you're doing what at 35, you went from a corporate, from corporate
jobs, making lots of money to, you know, um, making these kinds of decisions.
They were very worried about me.
They were worried about me spiritually.
I wasn't going to church.
Um, I wasn't, you know, walked away from the Lord, but I wasn't going to church
and they're in their view that was, you know, you need to be going to church and,
um, et cetera, and I did very drastic things and just trying so desperately to
find God, God, where are you?
And how on earth does this work?
Cause here the Bible talks about one thing and life looks like something else.
So where's, why is there a discrepancy?
And I was just, I was tired of going the safer routes and the
responsible routes, they weren't working for me.
And so I made very drastic decisions now.
Yes, the Lord did was with me in them, but they were not easy.
I, I was out of money so much.
I racked up so much debt.
Oh my word.
I'm still paying off some of that debt actually.
Um, and the Lord is helping me with that, but I racked up so much debt during that
time, it's not responsible, but I'm telling you what I was desperate
and I am so very glad I did it.
Um, but that was, you know, that was just kind of my story and what it is
that I did, and it's not anything that I can ever recommend to somebody else to
do, but I just wanted you to know that.
I, I always have a tendency to think, well, people should
probably just stay in their job.
You know, that's what I usually think.
Um, but, uh, I just, that's completely between you and the Lord as to what it
is that you do, um, you know, as like, as far as like what you're talking
about, letting go of, and I don't remember everything that you're
thinking of, like possibly letting go of just trying to give yourself a
bit of physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual relief.
I don't know what that would look like.
I just wanted to tell you my story to know that I have done it and it was
hard and I did it for, and it was hard for a very long time and I did not have
support.
I had my best friend, um, support me in it and, um, they were very, very kind to
me, but I didn't have people that understood, um, people that thought it
was just very irresponsible and everything like that, but, um, and sure
I had to bear the consequences.
I ran out of money so many times, but God also always ended up giving me
food or bringing in more money just when I needed it.
So, um, so, but that was my own journey with the Lord.
So I have done it because I was just that desperate.
I don't know what God has intense your situation to look like.
I just wanted you to hear what mine did.
And yeah, it was, I did it.
And God was with me because he loves me and he's going to provide
from you and protect me, but I'm telling you what there was so much
pain, emotional, mental, spiritual, et cetera.
Personally, I am very glad I did it.
And I did it.
I'll do it all over again for what I gained all over again.
For what I gained, I was done.
It was like this other stuff is for the birds.
It doesn't work.
And I don't know why everyone else seems to get it to work.
And they don't seem to be sacrificing emotionally and psychologically and,
and spiritually the way that I am to just try to scrape by without
getting what I want from the Lord.
It's like, I don't know why this doesn't work, but I'm going to, if
doing what everyone else does, doesn't work, I'm going to try to do
something that no one else is doing.
So anyway, so that for what it's worth,
I had a similar experience when I left orange County, um, to come up here.
I mean, I had a savings that would help me through the first year of ministry.
and thinking, oh, this is going to be a year of rest
and my body's going to be at rest,
but ministry school was so intense
and being in a room with a thousand people every single day
and being a feeler and just all the things.
And then year two had no money and crawled my way
through that year, believing for groceries,
believing for all the things.
And then in the end, it was an emergency situation
of like, how am I going to get through the end of the year?
I had to borrow 10,000 from my parents,
which I just now paid them back.
And, but all the while still seeing that,
like, my body never rested.
Like I was in this constant state of stress regardless.
And it's like, sometimes you exchange one portion of stress
for a different flavor of stress.
So it's-
Exactly.
Or physical stress of travel or whatever it is,
or, and sometimes it's just a matter of me being like,
maybe I just need a different job for a season
that just allows me to stay home
and have a routine and a schedule
and not having to pack my bags all the time
or wake up at 5 a.m. that seems to be extra hard on my body.
Sometimes it's just those kinds of questions.
Right.
Maybe not do anything.
Yeah.
But you just, like when,
I think when you're tormented with physical symptoms
in your body, you're like,
I just want some kind of relief.
Yeah.
And so thinking through like what lifestyle changes
need to be made.
Yeah.
That's helpful.
I know that it's not so high stakes in terms of like,
it's just a job.
There's other jobs.
He can bless whatever avenue I decide to choose.
Like, it's not like you get off track
because you made one choice that-
Yeah.
So high stakes, but yeah.
Yeah.
That's super good.
One last question.
And I know you can relate.
Having, being 38 now and being a single woman,
you're like, oh, since I was a little girl,
like I just want to get married and have children.
Like-
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Feeling like I know I'm a good person.
I've overcome so many things.
Like I'm walking with the Lord.
Like I'm not walking in sin.
I'm not, you know, like things are good,
but I think oftentimes I'll disqualify myself
or be like, oh, you know, things are too messy
or you're struggling in your health.
So the Lord can't bless that area of your life right now,
or feeling like being 38 and you're like,
okay, well, we don't really have a lot of time.
If this healing journey is going to take another two years,
like, I don't know that we have that kind of time.
I don't know if you can speak to that a little bit.
Yes. Yeah.
And I forgot that you'd asked me about that.
And I need to jump on until our story as well,
from Ed and I.
So I've only been in a relationship for a year.
We started dating October 30th of last year.
So it's all new.
Let's just say it's all new.
And so what happened to me is I just finally had to,
I had to choose that God was not holding out on me
and that I wasn't in lack.
And that was what I had to come to an agreement
with God about, is that I wasn't bad.
There wasn't some reason, you know, of me,
I don't know, lacking in something that God was withholding.
So God, that God was withholding this good thing from me.
So I had to agree that I was not in lack
and that God wasn't holding out on me.
I had to believe that he was really good
and that he was, that the way that my life looked
and the way that it was continuing to progress
was him showering his goodness on me.
Even if I wasn't getting, you know,
everything it is that I wanted.
And so as I began to choose him as enough for me,
not like choose that he just kind of was,
no, I had to make a choice.
Am I going to choose this
and will not be satisfied with anything but this,
or will I make a determination for him
that he, make a determination for him to be enough.
He is my enough.
And again, that he was good
and that he wasn't holding out on me and to be,
I don't want to say expectant.
like I was like looking around every corner or something,
but that I was, I don't know,
am I actually kind of, it's not that I gave up on it,
but I stopped thinking about it
because he became so good to me
that it filled up that need that I had.
And we can't enjoy something that we need.
So I had to stop needing it.
And I had to be filled in by God in those areas
because I chose to,
not because I was just kind of waiting for it to happen.
I actually had,
because when I waited for it to happen, it just didn't.
And I became more and more resentful
and I wanted to get married so badly, it's not even funny.
I mean, like ever since I was a little girl,
I think I made it some kind of like a vow
or like some kind of an internal commitment
when I was six years old.
I don't think I was younger than that.
I think it was six.
And I remember the moment that I was like,
realized, wait a minute,
because I was wrapping my baby doll in a blanket
and then putting her in the cradle.
And all of a sudden it dawned on me that, wait a minute,
I'm a girl and that means I'm gonna grow up to be a woman.
That means I'm gonna be a mommy.
And one day it's not a play baby doll,
I'm gonna have a real baby.
And all of a sudden it's like,
I could see my life before my eyes and be like,
oh, this is the expectation, this is the path.
This is how it happens.
Because basically I was just trying to figure out,
well, what is life?
And it's like, well, this is what all of the other moms,
all of the other women that I know, that's what they do.
So apparently that's me too, and I'm just little.
So I'll grow up and that's what,
so that was my expectation.
So because of that,
and I also thought that that was the only thing
that was good.
That that's what would mean that God approved of you
is if you got married, then you were doing the right thing.
If you got married, you had kids,
well, then you were the right kind of Christian woman,
not only to everybody else, but to God.
Not only did you fit in with everybody else,
but and could live life, relatable like everybody else,
but also God would say that you were good enough.
And so that was when I was six years old.
And so my sister talked about this,
maybe sometime when I was in my twenties or in my thirties,
and I was still struggling so much
with not being married and like not by not being married,
I'd never dated.
I never dated before last year,
before October 30th of last year.
And so I was watching my siblings all,
not just, you know, date and get engaged and get married.
And they're all younger than me and everything.
And I'm like, God, why do I want this so badly?
And it just lands in everybody else's lap.
And my sister talked about the fact,
again, like sometime when I was in my thirties, I guess,
she said, Ashley, I'm so sorry.
I don't understand why you don't have someone yet.
She said, because she said, I just, I wasn't looking for it.
It just happened.
And in my mind, I'm going, I know.
Why is that?
Why does no one else look for it?
And then it just happened.
But, and me, I'm like preparing for it.
And that's what she said.
Ashley, you always prepared for it.
She said, growing up, we were playing
and you were studying how to be a mom
and studying how to cook
and studying how to be a good wife.
You were reading books.
You were practicing.
You were gaining all of the skills.
You were doing all of this stuff.
You were preparing for it.
And she said, I was, I just landed in it.
I wasn't even looking to fall in love
and get married and whatever.
And she said, and you haven't even gotten to date.
She said, I don't understand.
I said, well, I don't either.
So the, my, my, my point is I wanted it that bad.
It was literally my entire obsession was
get close to the Lord, be obedient
and get married and have kids.
And, and so I finally, and I had built up
so much resentment against the Lord
because Lord, why would you deny me?
Why aren't you that good?
Why am I, why do you call me that bad?
It was all of these lies that I was declaring
about the Lord.
And so anyway, I finally had to just,
I finally just had to give it all up
and because I was calling him a liar
and I was making him a liar to myself.
And so I just had to, I had to choose him
over all of those other things.
And it's not that, oh God, I'm choosing you
so that I won't ever have anyone.
It was just, God, I'm going to choose that.
If you say you're that good,
then you really are that good.
Oh, darn.
I hate to do this.
Do you have just a second?
Maybe just a moment.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm really sorry, just one moment.
You're good, you're good.
Yeah.
Is anybody here?
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
One thing after another today, but anyway, that's what I, what I did, I'm trying to think
of how else to describe it though, because there were some other things, even before
I got to that point that I began to shift in, but ultimately it came to stopping meeting
it because I chose to receive the fulfillment of that need from the Lord.
Not that I knew, how would you put that?
Not that I knew like how to get that need from the Lord, because it's like, okay, well,
God supplies all of our need.
We're like, okay, well then if that's true, Lord, then why do I feel this way?
Because well, surely if you provide that for me, then I would have the need fulfilled
and therefore I wouldn't feel this way.
So you're telling me that you provide it, but I don't know how to access it.
And what I mean is that I just kind of chose, I chose that he, that, that, that my need
was going to be, chose to get my need fulfilled by him.
If I think of another way to word that I will, because I used to be able to articulate this
whole thing really well.
In fact, some people send people who are struggling with, with being single to me.
And in fact, I've done a, I even been did a, like a.
Kind of like a pod, not a podcast, but kind of like a podcast interview one time when I was single to a bunch of, to a group that was specifically around single ladies who wanted to get married.
But my goodness, that was like two years ago. So it's been a while since I've articulated all of it.
And my journey, I just, because it's been so, it's not that it's been so long since I wanted it so bad.
It's just that when I've changed so much, the, I don't access that pain as easily
to remember what that was like. And this is before I even started dating my husband,
you know, way back when this was like, Oh, I don't remember how long ago it was.
It's been over three, four years. Cause it was even over.
It was even earlier than I began to shift. God began to work on my healing and shift
me into rest and all that. It was even before then that I began to make some radical shifts,
but I'm sorry that I don't feel that I'm articulating all of this very well and can
give you a very good answer, but I used to be able to articulate it in such a way that I kind
of like walk other people through it because it was so transformative to me. So for me, I would,
I, I, again, I wanted it so badly that it hurt so much to go to not go just go to,
but to host all the baby showers, all the engagement parties, the, the bridal showers,
the weddings. I've been, I was a wedding coordinator in the very first wedding I was ever
in. And it was the maid of honor. And that all happened the day before I graduated from college
and moved to another city. So I got burned out of weddings that, that summer,
cause I was like in three and having to take the responsibility of them and talk about that high
responsibility that you, Lindsey and Carrie were talking about yesterday. So but anyway, I, I
wanted it so badly and I, I, I wanted it so badly that I purposefully would force myself to give to
other people what it is that I wanted for me. And I got, and I got, and I burn out in it because I
was trying so hard to love on other people and be excited for them when I was in so much resentment
between me and the Lord in that one topic. And it, of course, it just brought more resentment
because I did a lot, like I did a lot, a lot for other people. And it was very unhealthy,
but I did a lot for other people and that just, just trying so hard to be open and flexible and
willing and just ready, but not being resentful against the Lord. And I was just, I was just
building up resentment. So anyway, yeah, that's good. But yeah, I mean, if you have any particular
direction about more, like maybe some of the thoughts that, I mean, that might be enough for
you, but if you have any other direction of like some of the other thoughts that you have of what
you're struggling with specifically, I mean, it might trigger some of the things in my mind of
like, oh, that's right. That's how I used to approach that. That's how I changed in a particular
area, but just off the top of my head, what I mentioned is what I have, but I used to be a lot
better at articulating it and in a way that actually helped people. So, and, but I don't feel
like I'm doing a very good job right now because I'm like, oh my word, that was, that was so long
ago that I had to make such a major shift or it feels like it was like at least four years ago
that I don't remember how I used to word it to other people.
So it all falls somewhat in the category of just like accusation towards the Lord in areas of like,
you know, why, you know, I've given up so much to walk this Christian life and to walk in purity
and to transform my whole life and then to be where I'm at and to be struggling in my health
and to be single and all the things that I just desire are not, you know, and there,
there is a measure of accusation in it, like not, and I've overcome a lot of it,
but I think there's still some there of like frustration of, I don't get it.
Yeah. This isn't the great exchange.
Yes. Yeah. So one of the big things that I would tell you is to, you know,
What we were talking about earlier in choosing to enjoy yourself and to delight
in you and come into agreement with the Lord, at least to that degree would be
to not believe that you were in lack.
In other words, believe that you were in abundance.
I don't mean that, you know, how on earth to be able to tell
that you're in abundance.
I don't mean that.
I don't mean, oh, we'll look at this and you just realize, and you just
tell yourself that that's enough.
You know, I don't mean that.
I mean, God's saying you are in abundance.
So you're like, okay, well then if I really am in abundance, how would I live?
How would I approach myself?
How would I approach the situation?
Then you're in, then approach it as you're always in abundance and that
you're never in lack of anything of any emotional need of any, whatever that you
have it, and then you're going to the father, like, okay, Lord, well,
then how do I step into that?
How do I step into an access?
What it is that I already have.
And by access, I don't mean, you know, okay, well then, you
know, how do I manifest the man?
I just mean, you know, how do I, how do I live?
How do I access the abundance?
In other words, how do I live?
In the fact that I am in abundance, um, because I'm so used to
being prompted Lord by evidence.
If I have this thing, then I know what to do with it.
But if I don't have the thing, what do I do?
How do I live?
How do I move forward?
Um, and that will be a really, really, um, really big shift and it honestly
won't take very long to shift.
Um, when you, to begin to for, for things in yourself and even in your life,
your, your approach to life, in other words, your internal world, your
internal life for things to shift.
When you cut, when you begin to choose that you're in abundance and not in lack,
it really is wild how fast things change then, um, because you're coming more
into an agreement with an acknowledged that you are a son of God, who's in him,
who's in the kingdom and therefore have access to all of this and your, and your
life will be able, will begin to reflect it because you're saying that that's true.
And so creation and the spiritual world begins to respond to that because you're
saying, this is what has permission in my kingdom.
This is how my kingdom works because I give it the authority to work like this.
I could have chosen this covenant with God or this one, and I choose this one.
So therefore how this covenant works is how my life operates.
So all of creation, including the spiritual realm, angels, everything
else began to adjust to what it is that you've declared it because they all
serve you, what you've declared that your kingdom operates according to.
And so things began to shift and change.
Things become enough for you situations.
You become more content opportunities, start presenting themselves.
Um, and then you begin to have more clarity about how to take advantage of
opportunities and how to step into them.
Things began to move finally, because you're choosing that you're in abundance
and not in lack that God is not God's giving you everything you're already in
everything you and God are man are working together to manifest it, but you
already have it and that you're not in lack.
Um, so to, so to just agree with that and to approach that all day, every approach
life from that perspective and the Lord from that perspective really will
start shifting things very quickly.
So in a lot of different areas, and then you will find yourself like giving up
things like, like having to have the man right now and having to have
the relationship and whatever.
And by giving it up, and I don't mean give it up as like you stop wanting it.
I mean that you, that you, you give it up as in, you stop holding it
in accusation against the Lord.
And when you stop doing that, cause that's death, by the way, grabbing a
hold of something and stopping it is like a lack of movement and holding
it in accusation against the Lord.
It's just, it's, it's, it's dead.
And there's no, there's no a bill.
There's a, we're not giving spirit permission to move through the
thing and cause it to happen, et cetera.
It can't because we've, we've, we're stopping it and we've killed it, holding
it up in accusation against the Lord.
So in order for things to have the opportunity to start moving again, and
for the Lord to start moving things, we have to let it go so that now spirit
has freedom and space to move.
So when I.
say giving it up, that you're going to be content and then you're going to give it up.
It's not giving it up as in giving up hope. It just means that you're, you're, you're stopping,
holding onto it and bringing it death and killing it and stop holding an accusation against the
Lord. And there's now room for the spirit to start doing things, to bring opportunities for you to
start changing how you feel is in like, I don't know, there might be certain people that you're
around now that you've never felt certain things before. And then now you're more open because
you're not stagnant. It doesn't have to meet a certain criteria. It's just like, okay, let's
just let life move instead of making life required to result in something specific.
Just like just allow there to be movement, allow there to be some freedom. And then,
because creation is actually responding to our, and the spiritual realm is responding to our
position. And if we're stiff and if we're an accusation against the Lord, because we're in,
have a, have a poverty mentality or an idea of like we're in lack, then nothing can move and
opportunities can't come, you know, et cetera. So when I will like walk people through things like,
you know, meeting, like they're wanting a new house or something, you know, and they're wanting
to move to a different, another location. One of the things that I told them, I said,
they're like, nothing's happening, you know, and we can't find anything.
And we've been looking for a year, year and a half or whatever. I said, okay, I know this is
going to sound weird, but I said, you need to open up your open up the kids are like, there's,
there's nothing. Why is there such scarcity? And I said, you've got to open yourself up to like
looking at possibilities that were not options to you. Like, I understand that you have a lot
of children. There's a lot of people in your house. And I understand that you don't want to
move into an apartment. I understand that. I understand that you don't want to move into town,
understand all of those things. But if you've already decided those as criteria of like,
that's a no, I said, you've, you've stopped things. I said, so life can't flow anymore.
Opportunities can't come to you things in the, in the, in the spirit and in the creation can't move.
So given breathing room, I said, so you start opening yourself to all kinds of possibilities.
I said, so it's not that God's going to have you do them. Sure. He may, but so you'd be open to that,
but you stop, stop killing it and bringing it death, allow things to move again. And sure enough,
they started doing it. And within, Oh, I don't remember how quick it was, but they something
became available. That was exactly perfect and exactly what they wanted. And they were able to
afford it and all of that. And it was in the location that they wanted and they'd never had
to move to the city. And there was enough room for them and all of their kids and et cetera,
et cetera. So, um, but they had to, they had to stop. They had to stop stifling things and
requiring specific results and specific outcomes of the Lord. They just had to be open because the,
because creation spirit realm needs room to move opportunities needed to, uh, but they were,
they were just stuck and there were just, they weren't allowing things to move.
And they were just like, why aren't opportunities coming? It's like,
because you're not allowing any space. So anyway, yeah, that's so good for me before we hang up.
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Dear Lord pray that you, um, for, uh, Kate and, um, for everything it is
that you're doing in her heart, everything Lord that is, is shifting within her. Thank you for
everything that you've done in her soul that you've done in her body. I believe Lord that you
have brought and are bringing more healing pray that every, anything in her Lord, in her body,
in her soul, that is, that's, that's, um, stagnant that's locked down, um, in self-defense Lord that,
um, that you would, that you would very gently love on it. And, um, so that it would just,
it would start to break open. Things would start to move again. Um, and pray that you would give
her tremendous peace and comfort, um, uh, reveal to her Lord, um, how much it is that you love her,
give her the courage to be able to step out in, um, in faith and agreement with you that to love
herself unconditionally to love and accept her body unconditionally so that it feels safe with
her to finally heal, um, that, uh, and that she would do the same thing Lord with their soul,
pray that you would strengthen her spirit to give it, to give it, um, courage and, um, and wisdom
as to how to, um, how to, you know, comfort and reach out to the soul and the body Lord and pray
that you would reveal to her all of the beautiful, wonderful things and desires that you've put in
her and that she would, that she would know exactly what it is that she should do.
to step out on those things, to change maybe what she's doing in her life,
reveal to her if there's a particular opportunity that you wanted to take advantage of or something
to leave and something to go to, help her Lord with her decisions, pray that she would just
relax on trying to make the right decision and then just choose rather that she has freedom
to desire and freedom to dream and freedom to hear from you Lord, freedom to receive very clear
words from you instead of just hoping or wishing that they were possible Lord, pray that you
greatly bless her and help her more than anyone else Lord in the rest intensive to enjoy herself
in Jesus's name, Amen. Amen, thank you. You're welcome, well I think we took a bit longer than
normal, I hope that you're good on your time. Yes, yes, so encouraging, you feel something
break and unlock each session, so it's really good, I'm so glad, yeah it's always good to spend time
with you. Yes, thank you, so what does it look like, so next week is our last week and so you're
probably not doing the rest intensive for a while again, is that like you keep the group open, we
remain in the Facebook group, like what does that look like? I'm sorry, I didn't understand the last
thing you said, what'd you say? So you leave the Facebook group open, like we stay in the Facebook
group or do we get removed in the Facebook group or like what happens after the week is done?
Yeah, so it's the face, yeah so y'all will no longer be in the Facebook group but you will
still have always access to that other page, the rest intensive page, that's why all of that stuff
is there, y'all have lifetime access to all of those recordings including the fireside chats,
our you know our transformation sessions, I think I'm even adding some other additional teachings
that I had done in the Facebook group that y'all had watched, putting those in there to make sure
y'all have access to those things like the practical shifting tools or how to believe
or empower yourself to choose, things like that, I'm adding, I'm working on adding those right now
and yeah, so and then of course y'all are going to have some personal ministry time with Ed
next week, he's going to be working on that schedule to make sure that y'all can all have
access to that. So I have the personal ministry time, was that part of my thing? I'm trying to
remember, were you before October 1st? No, I just signed up like the hour before. Oh my word,
that's amazing, I forgot you were that person, I was trying to remember who was that,
okay yeah, that was for people who were prior to October the 1st, so that was something
specially wanted to offer for anyone who wanted to sign up for the early access, I think that
I didn't even have, I don't remember how early it was, but anyway so yeah, I forgot about that.
The only other option would be to schedule one-on-ones, is that what, like you don't,
do you know what you're going to be doing after this or? What I am looking to do is to do,
and I'm not sure that I'm going to do this, so that this is like you're one of the first people
to hear this, I haven't even told Ed yet because it's that new, that I'm thinking about doing this,
but what I've been brainstorming is I want to do a bigger rest intensive like I'm doing this one,
do that in January, and the reason is that I'm up for doing it during the holidays, but
other people, people just don't commit to anything on the holidays, you know, so,
but what I was looking at doing is to do some kind of a, I don't know if it's going to be a
one-hour thing or if it's going to be a weekend thing, maybe not a weekend, I don't know, do some
kind of a thing in maybe the first part, maybe the first weekend of December or something like that,
where I introduce people to, I do like a free teaching or whatever on rest and then invite
people to sign up for like the bigger rest intensive, which is what we just went through,
and I'm looking to structure the new rest intensive maybe even a bit different and do a
bit more teaching heavy on the front end and then just more application mentorship on the back end
because one of the things that I noticed is that's how I usually do it, it's a lot more,
it's usually a lot more top heavy on the teaching and then the application for a while,
but I tried something different this time because I was told by, I was given some feedback by
someone that had taken it before that, that it just seemed like a lot in a short amount of time
and it was a lot to process and I was like, oh, well, maybe I need to spread it out,
so I spread it out and I think that.
The problem is that it's too hard to, um, people are asking questions
that, uh, that week five answers and they're asking them in week one.
So I'm like, you know what, we just need to all get on the same page and kind
of just do like a brain dump, so to speak on a brand new way to brand new.
Um, what's the word I was going to say matrix.
And by matrix, I don't mean like matrix, like, like otherworldly.
I mean, matrix is then like a structure, like a new way of thinking, like a new
lifestyle, and then, and then walk the next several weeks through how
to flesh that thing out.
So I'm thinking about structuring it a bit different next, next time.
Another thing that I want to do is I took the inner is rest teaching series
and I divided it into two parts and I just did number one through seven, you
know, this time, well, I want to do an advanced one, um, uh, at, at a, I wanted
to offer an advanced where I go through the last half, like, okay, how do you
operate and rest in various areas?
How do you operate in spirit?
How do you govern, how do you govern?
Um, uh, in how do you govern as a son of God in rest, in relationships, in
business, um, healing, I don't just, whatever.
So, um, I'm, I'd like to do that as well, but I'm looking to not do anything
really, really big other than maybe that hour or something until next year.
And that's in other words, January.
And that's simply because no one commits to anything during that during the holidays.
So I, I would, I'd be up for it, but I know from the history that
people just are all too busy.
So that's the, that's the plan.
And then I do do one-on-ones and stuff like that.
I still do that during the holidays.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Good to visit with you, Kate.
Okay.
I'll see you on Thursday.
Bye.