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Thank you for your patience.

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It was a perfect storm, let me just say, it was just wild.

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I checked out of the grocery store 30 minutes before the call and I was like, you know,

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I was pushing it.

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I was like, I do not think that this is fast, you know, I can get back fast enough.

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So I called my husband and he like came, left work early to meet me at the car,

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help me unload the groceries, put the cold stuff away.

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But then long story short, I had his keys to the office but put him down because I thought

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he was going to need them.

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Then we decided to switch and he stay at the apartment and I go to the office.

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I go all the way down, realize I don't have the keys because I'd left them for him.

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He was going to come and then it's a several minute walk, you know, from our apartment

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to the office and then he waits.

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So I call him and he said, well, let Cecile, who works with him, let Cecile let you in.

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I was like, great.

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So I walk all the way back, call Cecile on the way and she said, I'm sorry, I'm no longer

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at the office.

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I'm like, okay, then nevermind.

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I walk all the way back, pick up the keys and walk all the way back.

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In the end, my computer had died, meaning like, you know, just the battery was shot,

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meaning like there was no battery and it was dead.

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And then even though it was plugged in, it wouldn't start.

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So anyway, it was a perfect start.

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So here I am, I'm sorry.

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There were other things as well.

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I'm like trying to leave the grocery store and all of a sudden all of these older people

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who know each other, they're seeing each other in grocery store.

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Hey, how are you doing?

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And they're just shuffling along and they're literally like blocking the exit.

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In the end, one of the guys stops talking to one of the couples that's on their way

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out because another guy that he knows walks in.

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So they stand there in the entrance of the grocery store, just talking.

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No one can get in.

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No one can get out.

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You just stand there.

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You just wait for him to finish.

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And then they finish and then they all shuffle out and they keep talking and they're like

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blocking the exit.

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It was just one thing after another.

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So anyway, sorry that I'm so late.

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Oh, it's totally fine.

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I'm working from home.

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So it was good.

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I appreciate you being flexible.

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Yeah.

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And I told Ed, so he's like, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

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It was all this trouble.

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I said, it's just been a weird day.

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I said, I'm going to have to tell you about it later because there's a lady that wanted

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to do a, well, I was going to do an ER, a transformation session earlier today with

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someone I've never met someone in Europe.

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And, but the thing is someone else had sponsored her and I don't usually allow that.

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I don't allow someone to pay for someone else because I want them to want it enough

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that they do what they need to do.

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Because otherwise if someone pays for them, a lot of times that they, they just don't

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take it as seriously.

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And like, actually they're like, oh, I appreciate it.

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And I'll sit and learn, but they're not willing to like make changes and stuff.

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And so I don't usually allow it.

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And I thought, well, I don't expect this person to like, like take all of this stuff and like

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change.

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They're just wanting this person to just be exposed to a new for your revelation.

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Cause this person is a fairly new Christian.

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I was like, oh, well then I was like, yeah, that's fine.

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Well, long story short, I have, I have been reaching out to her in Europe, like three

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times.

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And she keeps giving me one reason after another at the last minute, why she can't make it.

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And so finally I just gave up and I was just like, you know, I'm so sorry.

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You're going through this.

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I'm so sorry.

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Your sister had COVID the first time.

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And now I'm sorry that, you know, there was a family emergency night before last.

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And, and then now I'm sorry that your phone's broken and, and you, I don't remember what

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else she said and that she now has something tonight and can't get out of it.

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She tried.

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She's so sorry.

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The end.

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I said, I said, okay.

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I said, I said, I'm so sorry.

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You have all that going on.

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You, you just let me know, reach out to me when you'd like to schedule.

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So I thought I'm tired of like doing all the work for the past three times to make this

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work.

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So what I'm going to do is just give the money back to the lady who sponsored her.

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Just like, let's just wait till it happens.

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And you can pay me.

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It's so creative work.

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It's so much time.

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And then to try to be.

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flexible in your schedule to accommodate and then with different time zones,

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international, all the things, so it is, it recall only is just like the best

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thing ever that, you know, it allows you to make your, it allows you to pick what

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times you're available and then other people can just pick their times.

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Cause otherwise I was going back and forth on messenger for a long time before I found

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Calendly and trying to figure out what would work and, and I'm like, where that's

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for the birds.

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So I, so now I'm trying to hydrate.

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How are you?

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I'm good.

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I'm good.

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Um, I've been so looking forward to our time together, getting, we haven't talked

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to one-on-one in what, three weeks or something or that next week is six weeks.

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I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm not ready to let go.

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No, uh, it takes time.

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It just takes time to get in the room and practice and the consistency with the

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group is so helpful and chatting things through.

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Um, and, and then, I mean, it's a, it's a new way of life.

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It really is.

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It's contrary to what most of your friends and family live.

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And so to grab hold of it, it just takes a minute.

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Yeah.

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And so, uh, I think I I've made so much progress.

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I know, I know that I have, and, you know, sometimes you don't really realize it

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until you're on the other side and you're like, whoa, I'm, I'm a new person.

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And so, um, and I don't want the, the acceleration to stop.

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I need it.

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I need it to continue on.

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Cause I know I'm not nearly where I want to be or need to be.

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And that's okay.

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I'm okay with that.

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Um, I think the one place that it's really, um, stuck on is, um, it pertains

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to health in the sense that every, every month during my cycle, like a couple

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of weeks out of the month, and I attribute it to, to a physiological thing

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that's going on in my body.

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So it's hard to separate the two, like what's spiritual, what's physiological,

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what came from the physical.

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Um, and, um, during these couple of weeks, like the intensity of my internal

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world is so extreme that it's, it's hard to, to function, to process.

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Um, like I feel so sensitive during that time that I like am offended at.

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Every little thing, like right now my cycle is over.

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I feel perfectly normal.

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Like that's not a good thing.

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I know it's not who God created me to be.

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I know it's not, it's not me.

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It's whatever it's being, whether it's spiritual, physio, physiological,

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but I, I can't change it.

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And it's like, I, it's almost, I have to like hide out.

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Um, sometimes it's helpful to be traveling during that time because

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I'm with strangers and it's hard to be offended by a bunch of strangers.

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But I feel like every direction I turn in, like sometimes it's

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like, okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

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Like somebody breathes the wrong way or says something.

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And maybe there is some truth to what they're doing.

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That is, is whatever.

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And I'm just highly sensitive, but I also know like my adrenals have crashed and I,

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you know, the physiological side of it or response to that is a

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hypersensitivity to circumstances.

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And, um, I don't drink any caffeine because it makes all my symptoms worse.

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So I'm like, how do I manage like two, two weeks out of every month is life.

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And it's so intense, actually.

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I feel like I, I just, this thing takes over and I can't do anything about it.

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And so for me to take time to process each one of those offenses coming up,

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I'm like swimming in this emotional world.

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And then, and then, and on the back end, I know that it contributes to the,

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the symptoms in my body because it's stress it's like added stress on my body.

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Yeah, correct.

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Like swimming in these high intense emotions.

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And I just, I just don't know.

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I'm not, I'm not running into do mode, but I, I know that this cycle can't keep on.

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Like it's so overwhelming and I don't know how to stop it.

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Yeah.

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So when you're talking about offense, you're talking about like normal offense

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things, like, I don't know, like, like you maybe, I don't know, you're walking

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into a store and then with a friend and they don't hold the door open for you.

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And so you have to stop and you have to catch the door to open it.

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Like little, like things like that.

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Right.

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Like normal little things.

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And then you get offended and like, wait, just a second.

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We're talking about that kind of thing.

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Right.

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Yeah.

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That kind of offenses.

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Yep.

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Those kinds of things.

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Somebody just says something like my coworker who was in from out of state.

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was here and I hadn't seen him for like months and we're at conference thinking of Bazzini

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immediately just comes up to me hey I need this this and this like can I and I was like oh hi so

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good to see you I haven't seen and it went into and I was just like so just triggered but it feels

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like it comes from every angle or one of my best friends she's one of my best friends um and she's

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a pastor in this environment and I love what the Lord is doing in her life and accelerating her

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she's had so much favor but oftentimes we'll she'll say things like oh only pastors can go in

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at this time or only pastors can sit there only pastors in and then and it just feels like just

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stop like I get it it's like but and right now I'm just like oh I just know that that's just

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something she's walking through it's fine like I just don't care I just don't care it doesn't

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mean anything but I don't know the the frequency and the intensity of these offenses that are just

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coming my way like it feels so overwhelming that I don't I just don't even know where to start

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sifting through them I just want to like hide for that period of time yeah have you done the um have

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you gone through the rest shifting tools have you looked at the last session I know you did like a

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year ago or whenever you did have you recently I did I just finished all seven um but I just

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used the last one and I really took like some of the bullet points out and just consolidated them

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so I had a quick spot that I could just review in any given moment just in case they forgot

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um and just the like the no the no judgment and I think that's that's probably the category in this

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where this falls like I'm judging their behavior I'm judging their actions or what they did or

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didn't do I don't I don't know but it shouldn't be like this and it should be different I shouldn't

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be in this situation I shouldn't be having to deal with this it shouldn't have happened they

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shouldn't have said it all of that right yeah yeah this just yeah yeah well and and usually

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and that's what I tell everyone usually the no judgment thing is usually the culprit and it

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usually is for me and I think that it usually is for everyone else as well so I tell people I said

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you know I recommend that you start here and that you progress through if one if like one isn't

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helping you shift into rest and just go to the next one and kind of like escalate them I said

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but sometimes I just cherry pick one and I'm like I'm going with this one I said and it's usually

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the no judgment one because I figured out that's usually what I'm dealing with but um so my I was

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just kind of wondering if you just kind of had that that um that is as um it's something that

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you've already kind of heard and listened to all those because and and because I don't mean

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by any stretch of the imagination that you should take all of the that you should take every offense

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and go through this through the different tools with each one because quite on especially with

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especially during those two weeks because it's just too much it's overwhelming I use those things

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and help and and uh and teach other people those tools so that they can use them if they want to

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and if they find them helpful because it gives us an anchor for our soul so sometimes we just kind

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of want to understand or we just want to have something that we can put words to and kind of

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walk through you know it kind of solidifies something that otherwise can just feel like

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this theoretical concept of a thing like okay I need to be different than what I'm being right now

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well what about if I do no shame and condemnation or if I do no judgment or whatever

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but so it's beneficial as far as all of that goes but in no in by no means is it supposed to be

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overwhelming or hard or that we have to go through every offense in every moment using one of those

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tools because sometimes uh sometimes we just those tools are kind of to help us help teach ourselves

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how to recognize where it is that we are and instruct ourselves to shift and so the more that

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we become familiar with feeling a particular way and how it feels to to exude our intent our

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intention that we want it to change then the easier it is for us the more familiar we come with

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become the more familiar we become with that the easier it is to just recognize it and then

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to shift it without needing even a tool so it's just that the tools are beneficial you know we're

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kind of like learning to familiarize ourselves with okay how am I feeling how can I kind of

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grab a hold of that within myself and talk and and change to rest because we become familiar

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with the unrest and recognizing it and we become familiar with the rest

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And then we become familiar with how to get ourselves from here to here.

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And so we just instruct ourselves to do it.

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And then we just do it without needing a tool.

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So my whole point is like, though, that the tools at least help teach familiarity,

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but then I, I don't recommend going through a whole tool process.

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Um, even sometimes picking like just one, when you're experiencing a period of so

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much offense, because it's just, you're already dealing with enough overwhelm

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with your emotions and then the sheer volume of, of the offenses that are

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coming your way, it's just, it starts instead of alleviating, you know, the

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pressure and creating relief, all of those tools and thinking about it and

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thinking about shifting and making yourself move can just feel like more

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work and just can add more.

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So I wouldn't recommend that, but, um, but so anyway, um,

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But before I go on, go on, is there anything in particular other that you

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wanted to approach, is there any particular direction that you wanted to

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approach this from, or that you wanted to kind of like help from, or you're like,

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well, I don't know, like, how would you articulate what it is that you're

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wanting, wanting help with, like specifically, I think I just, I just

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keep wavering back and forth from like, um, I think, I mean, something needs to

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be done simultaneously, whether addressing these things and shifting

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during this time of experiencing these intense offenses.

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Um, but I just feel so stuck.

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Like, I, I feel like I have to do something to address it in the

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physical, like the physiological.

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And I know that we do it from a place of rest, but feeling so overwhelmed

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just because of the long, long road that I've been on of like, how do I make

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a decision into going back and seeing a naturopathic doctor again?

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Where do I even start again?

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Or is this all, um, is this all an emotional issue that got me to this

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place in this place to begin with?

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Um, that it has to be addressed from the emotional angle.

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I just feel like so overwhelmed with just like making a decision, you know,

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making a decision.

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I'm sorry.

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I'm trying to, I'm having a hard time connecting the decision with what you

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were talking about with the offense.

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Are we talking about two different things or

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yeah, like making a decision on like, what, what do I do?

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I know I'm not, do I go and explore the, the natural route again?

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Um, from a place of rest, but yeah, I, um, I know that you mentioned the other

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day, like, oh, if you're like, so sensitive that you're just feeling offended

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from every angle, like the people that you had to go and see, but then that is

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triggering to me as well.

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Cause I'm like, I've done so much inner healing and you're like, oh, just put

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your hope in the next person who is going to be able to help or correct.

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And sometimes this all feels way more intense than, than other days.

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Some days I'm just doing real life, but when I actually have to stop and talk

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about it, it feels really intense.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Um, okay.

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So, um, what I would recommend is going to the last two, uh, like tools about,

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about rest, where the first one is, because I believe that what you should

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do is like kind of a combination of them.

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So the first one, which is where honestly, we just spend the most of our

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lives is in a combination of those two.

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And the first one is, you know, to choose that what God says is true and

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go where your spirit finds peace.

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And you know that that is like actual faith and what God said and then acting

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on it, do that to the degree that you can.

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And then let me show you this, visualize this for you.

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And then I think it'll help because I think then you'll just remember that our

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conversation strictly off of, you know, the picture.

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Um, well, I say that now I'm like, now that I have paper, I'm like, now how do

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I, how do I draw what I, it is that I saw in my head, but, um, uh,

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kind of like, okay, this is, this is going to be a little, it's going to be

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very crude drawing, but here we go.

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Crude meaning like just rough.

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Um, uh, so let's see here.

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Okay.

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To say, for instance, that this is like the total amount of faith that, or

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whatever, this is your problem.

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Let's just say that this is whatever problem that you're trying to deal with.

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Agree with God, choose what he says is true about himself to the.

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degree that you can. And by choose, remember that we're talking about, like, okay, if he

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says it, then I am choosing that it is my reality, even though I don't feel like it,

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even though I don't believe it. Just reckless abandon. Do it just to the degree that you

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can. And remember, like, say that this is, this is your whole thing, issue right now

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that you're wanting to, that you're facing and you're wondering, how do I handle this?

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How do I handle the fact that you just write it up here? This is the two weeks. Um, I don't

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know what we're going to call it, but we're going to call it two weeks of, you know, sensitivity.

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That's just what we'll call it. So that's what you're trying to deal with, you know,

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two weeks out of the month, you know, so half your life, right? So you're wondering, how

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do I deal with this whole thing? Partly it's probably partly physiological. And, uh, what

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does that end, you know, has to do with your endocrine system, you know, your, your, um,

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hormones, you know, and, you know, and just your emotions and spiritual and everything,

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you know, it's a big, it's a big, uh, cause you're a very, um, you're a multifaceted being.

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And so there's multiple things going on here. So anyway, so out of all of this, just do

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what it is that you can just choose and go where your spirit finds peace. But for the

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rest of it, declare that what God says is true and then go where your soul finds peace.

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So remember that God is saying, you know, I want you to believe that I am this good.

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You know, I am here. I'm all the way. I am this good. I want you to believe that you're

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like, okay, Lord, Lord, I can believe it. Meaning like I can choose it and act on it.

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In other words, risk my risk, the decisions that I make in my life, et cetera, in this particular

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area, I can do it to this degree, but for the rest of this Lord that I can't believe it. In

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other words, I can't choose it enough. I can't choose it to that degree, declare that it's true.

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Just declare it. Meaning like you are, it's more than just like saying it with your mouth. It's

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you, you, you choose it to the degree that you can. And, but because you can't act on it,

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then really what you're doing is you're not actually choosing it for yourself,

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but you are declaring it. You're wanting it. You're wanting to believe it. You basically,

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you're, you're willing to be willing to believe it. So you're like, God, this is all I've got.

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So if you're saying you're that good, then I'm going to declare to myself, God, if that's what

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you say you are, then I'm declaring that that is what you are, but you don't believe it enough.

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And you're not declaring it enough to actually act on it yet. And that's fine. God's just like,

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Hey, you believe me to this degree and you're willing to believe me to this degree. And we'll

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just get there. So for this part, you just declare it. And now you go where your soul finds peace.

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And so that is where you, um, where you were, what, where is your faith in your soul?

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To what degree is it like, in other words, is it Tate, is it going, you know,

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to, um, a naturopathic doctor and looking at natural, um, natural remedies and potential

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solutions for helping you, um, helping support yourself physiologically, you know, or is it

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doing another Sozo or is it doing another inner healing session or whatever, where,

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what does your soul believe that what gives your soul peace that that thing will help fix you.

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And then do that. But here's the difference in how you used to do it versus now. So now you're

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declaring that God is that good, whatever it is, he says, you were declaring God, you were that

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good. And now Lord, I am taking all of these things, whether it's like, whether it's Western

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medical pill, you know, like I said, I had, I had depression. And so I finally took a pill,

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um, whether it's a pill or it is, um, Sozo or at some other inner healing session, or I don't know

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what other, you know, naturopathic doctor, whatever it is. Um, you're you take those things

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and you say, okay, God, you're a very good God. And I believe that you gave, you're the one who

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created everything to work the way that it did. People have discovered that Sozo is extremely

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healing to people, but you're the one who created that to work. Someone else just discovered it.

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The same thing with Western medicine, the same thing with naturopathic medicine,

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the same thing with, um, what was the other thing we were talking about? I don't remember,

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but anyway, all of these different options, Lord, those things work because you created them. You

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put them into existence, those principles, those, those physical materials and chemicals,

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you know, et cetera. You're the ones who created those to work wide.

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you're a good God. You knew that there, you gave us a tools that we could use to help ourselves

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if we weren't going to choose you to help us. So because you created them and you created them

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for our, for my comfort and for my relief, because you're a good God, I'm going to receive

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it. And so therefore it's a gift. I'm going to receive this as a, as a gift that was created

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by my father for me, because he's good. And because he's love. So you've declared that he's

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good. You've declared that he's love and you're actually receiving these things that he's created

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as him being good as his goodness expressed to you. And as his love expressed to you,

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as opposed to what we used to do, which was, well, God, I don't know why you're not taking

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care of me. So I'm just going to go out and try to find my own solution. So that is turning

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to worldly things and choosing that, choosing, choosing them by turning our back on God,

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believing that he'd abandoned us and that we're separated. And now we're trying to fend for

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ourselves. So what we're doing is we're trying to create a bit of a segue to begin to, for ourselves

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to be able to transit, to be able to transition from us approaching worldly principles and things

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that God created that we're trying to grab on our own, because we believe that we're abandoned.

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We're trying to, we're trying to transition from that to believing God that, Hey God, you're my

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only source. Even when I use these things, you're my only source. So what we're doing, because we

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can't yet get from here to here, we're at least going to try to start leaving, start leaving here

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and start moving our way this way, which is declaring that he's as good as he is. And that

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that's why we're taking this. We're taking this as a gift from him, not chasing it because we're

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trying to find our own solution, believing that we're abandoned. We're taking this, choosing that

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we're not abandoned and that this is proof that we're not abandoned. God is the one who provided

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us this means to take advantage of. So you see how it's a segue. We're starting to, we're starting

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to transition and we just do it. And that's just where our faith is right then in that particular

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area. I do that with all kinds of things in my life. In fact, as much as I teach about rest and

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as much as I wish that I believed God, I believe that the majority of my life is currently either

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being lived here or in the middle. I think that ratio wise, the amount to which I could believe

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God, I believe that very little of it is lived over here. You know, like I said, as much as I

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talk about it, I don't believe that. I believe that God is so big and so infinite and there's

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full and he allow, and he has created such possibility of living in an existence as a

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son of God that I, I've hardly scratched the surface. So anyway, so that just, just to tell

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you all of this out of, you know, there's no condemnation for this. This is where I believe

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I live. I, and more, most people live the majority of their lives. What we're trying to do though,

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is to believe God and be supple and willing and flexible to begin to transition from

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calling him a liar to Lord, I'm trying to believe you. I'm trying to have faith. So we declare it

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and we receive these things as a good gift from a good father. So what we're doing is we're kind

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of living like the prodigal son. And the fact that, that, well, I see it like the prodigal son.

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How would you, how would you put it? I don't really know. Maybe that's really not a good,

389
00:28:41.840 --> 00:28:45.840
a good description because it's probably somewhere between the prodigal son and the, and the,

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the, and the older brother. The fact that, you know, the prodigal son asked his father, you know,

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for his inheritance early. And so the father gave him the inheritance. So the guy said, hey, I want

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to go off and take care of myself. I don't want you to do it anymore. And then he had the audacity

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to ask for his father for the means by which to do it. And the father gave it to him. In our world,

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that's called enabling, but to God, that was his way of loving. But he said, I'll give you this,

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but understand that the principles by which this works, because it's separated from me and I'm life

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00:29:25.760 --> 00:29:31.680
itself, this will run out and it has no life in it. It's not even like, well, it'll eventually

397
00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:39.520
lead to death. No, because it's separated from me, it has no life in it. So it's not, it's not,

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00:29:40.800 --> 00:29:46.480
not only does it eventually run out and like lead to death, but there's, it doesn't even give you

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00:29:46.480 --> 00:29:53.760
life as you're, as you're using it. It doesn't, you know, it, it, it's not working to pour anything

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00:29:53.760 --> 00:29:59.840
into you or pour anything into, into, you know, your, your life and your environment or whatever.

401
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:06.720
It's, um, there's just, there's just no, um, I don't wanna say no substance to it.

402
00:30:06.720 --> 00:30:10.080
Cause that doesn't really seem like the right word, but anyway, so what we're

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00:30:10.080 --> 00:30:17.040
doing is we are acknowledging that it's because our father loved us, that he

404
00:30:17.040 --> 00:30:21.560
gave us this as opposed to God, you don't love me.

405
00:30:22.060 --> 00:30:24.280
So therefore I'm going to go find it on my own.

406
00:30:24.560 --> 00:30:27.560
What we're doing is we're, we're transitioning by saying, God, I believe

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that the reason I have this is because you love me and because you're good.

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You say that you were this good and you're this loving.

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I can only act on it to this degree that I do believe that you were loving good

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to such a degree that I can act on it and risk my life to this extent, you

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00:30:47.840 --> 00:30:51.560
know, risk aspects of my life to this extent, the rest of it, I'm going to

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declare that where I go, where my soul finds peace, what my soul relies on,

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which are all of these modalities to save me and all these principles that

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00:31:00.240 --> 00:31:06.520
if I follow a formula, the formula will work for me, you know, if I reach out

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00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:11.440
and grab a hold of this thing, I can save myself, I'm believing that the

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reason that I have that is because you gave it to me as a gift so that when I

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00:31:16.080 --> 00:31:21.920
reach out, I have something to grab because it's a good father, it's a

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loving father, which are both of the things that he said that he was that

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would provide a means by which to satisfy me when I'm reaching out in

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00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:37.240
need, he gives me something outside of himself to be able to take advantage

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of, as opposed to just leaving me on my own like, well, you know, that's

422
00:31:41.600 --> 00:31:42.760
what you get what you deserve.

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You walked away from me.

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So, you know, have fun and see if you can make it.

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00:31:48.080 --> 00:31:52.640
He's like, I will make provision for you to take care of yourself.

426
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You just have to work for it.

427
00:31:54.920 --> 00:31:56.920
Meaning like you're going to have to like sweat for it, whatever.

428
00:31:56.960 --> 00:32:00.080
So anyway, this is a bit of a transition and that's what I would

429
00:32:00.080 --> 00:32:05.040
recommend during this time is, and really it's, it's not just recommend during

430
00:32:05.040 --> 00:32:07.640
this time, this is just really how we live life.

431
00:32:07.640 --> 00:32:12.480
We've got to understand that we're always somewhere in the, in a journey.

432
00:32:12.480 --> 00:32:15.320
We're always somewhere where we're believing God to what extent that we

433
00:32:15.320 --> 00:32:19.920
can, and then the rest of it, we're just, we're declaring what God wants us to

434
00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:24.480
declare that what he says about himself is true in that we are doing what it is

435
00:32:24.480 --> 00:32:28.920
that we're doing, because we're believing that that's an expression of what he's

436
00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:31.560
saying he is anyway.

437
00:32:31.560 --> 00:32:33.960
So that's what I would recommend as one thing.

438
00:32:34.360 --> 00:32:37.560
Were you able to get off the antidepressants eventually?

439
00:32:38.120 --> 00:32:38.480
Yeah.

440
00:32:38.680 --> 00:32:39.000
Yeah.

441
00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:43.880
I mean, it's like, I believe that God.

442
00:32:44.520 --> 00:32:49.160
I believe that God is our healer and that he can heal instantaneously and

443
00:32:49.200 --> 00:32:50.920
that it is a spiritual battle.

444
00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:54.600
Like I really do believe that it's all spiritual.

445
00:32:55.600 --> 00:33:00.920
And even though my belief system is there, I know that all these

446
00:33:00.920 --> 00:33:02.280
supplements have side effects.

447
00:33:02.320 --> 00:33:05.200
I know that it's not an end all be all it's not curative.

448
00:33:05.560 --> 00:33:09.480
It might relieve some symptoms so I can catch my breath.

449
00:33:09.520 --> 00:33:16.080
Like I know that it's not his best, but I don't know.

450
00:33:18.080 --> 00:33:18.920
It's frustrating.

451
00:33:18.920 --> 00:33:24.920
I think for me, because I know that I believe this thing, but I'm not able to

452
00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:26.120
get there.

453
00:33:27.240 --> 00:33:32.360
I'm not able to get there and experience it physically manifested in my body.

454
00:33:33.760 --> 00:33:37.720
Not that supplements have even served me really well in the past anyway, like

455
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:42.760
they've temporarily alleviated some symptoms, but it's so the thought of

456
00:33:42.760 --> 00:33:48.080
going back into that cycle again, that seems frustrating as well to invest

457
00:33:48.120 --> 00:33:51.040
anything, my time, my energy, my efforts, my work, right.

458
00:33:51.040 --> 00:33:52.600
Because it does, it requires diligence.

459
00:33:52.600 --> 00:33:54.600
It requires a lot of money.

460
00:33:54.600 --> 00:33:57.800
It requires all these things that I don't, I don't want to invest.

461
00:33:57.840 --> 00:33:59.840
I don't want to utilize that route.

462
00:34:00.760 --> 00:34:03.080
And sometimes I think it becomes in desperation.

463
00:34:03.080 --> 00:34:06.840
Like, I believe you're this thing and I believe you're that I actually do believe

464
00:34:07.120 --> 00:34:13.280
that, but I don't know where to reconcile this gap that of me not experiencing it.

465
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:14.280
Yeah.

466
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:22.880
But God is pleased with you where it is that you are without, without being able

467
00:34:22.880 --> 00:34:28.600
to reach there yet with you being where you are and being, and this is a bad way

468
00:34:28.600 --> 00:34:30.360
to phrase it, but I'm just going to use a word.

469
00:34:30.360 --> 00:34:33.800
Cause I know that it would be like your greatest fear.

470
00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:38.800
So I'm going to actually say on it to say it is to be dependent on those things,

471
00:34:39.960 --> 00:34:43.360
because that's how you're acting.

472
00:34:43.520 --> 00:34:44.679
That's how I act.

473
00:34:45.000 --> 00:34:48.040
I act depend is my body acts.

474
00:34:48.320 --> 00:34:51.400
And I don't mean like, like acts dependent on them, like drugs.

475
00:34:51.400 --> 00:34:55.840
I just mean like acts dependent on like sleep or needing to eat at all.

476
00:34:56.239 --> 00:34:59.280
Or, you know, there's some people that have enough faith to not eat at all.

477
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:08.000
I'm not there yet. So, um, you know, um, and just be sustained by word. That's great. May it be

478
00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:15.600
into me one day, Lord. But right now I'm just not, my body is still dependent on food emotionally.

479
00:35:15.600 --> 00:35:24.880
I'm dependent on certain things. So we, so the important thing is that we, that we believe that

480
00:35:24.880 --> 00:35:34.160
God is so good and so loving that he's okay with us where it is that we are being as dependent as

481
00:35:34.160 --> 00:35:41.040
we are on things outside of him, emotionally, psychologically, and physically, spiritually,

482
00:35:41.040 --> 00:35:47.200
you know, whatever, whatever area. And, um, so we have to relieve ourselves of that condemnation

483
00:35:47.200 --> 00:35:55.440
and come into at least an agreement. Again, if we can't believe that God is this good,

484
00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:59.120
that we're like, we'll know, you know, like everything you said, God, I know that this is

485
00:35:59.120 --> 00:36:03.680
possible. I know that all of this is spiritual. I know that, you know, all of those things that

486
00:36:03.680 --> 00:36:09.120
you just mentioned, this is what I know is true. God, then why am I not responding like that

487
00:36:09.680 --> 00:36:19.520
emotionally or physically? Why am I not acting like what it is that I believe? And, and so

488
00:36:20.480 --> 00:36:27.920
what we have to realize is that if we can't come into agreement with this fully, we have to,

489
00:36:27.920 --> 00:36:34.400
we have to come into agreement with God to what point that we can. And that is, okay.

490
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:40.800
If I, if I can't, you know, come into that full agreement, I can at least come into an agreement

491
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:49.760
with the fact that he is, is so loving and so good that he, how would I word this? Um,

492
00:36:50.480 --> 00:37:00.000
that he is pleased with me and loves me and enjoys me unconditionally where I currently am

493
00:37:00.880 --> 00:37:08.240
in the fact that I am dependent and I'm not here yet. That me being on the journey and me

494
00:37:08.240 --> 00:37:16.160
being dependent on those things is enough for him. I can at least try to come into agreement

495
00:37:16.160 --> 00:37:23.520
with that, that at least I'm not in condemnation. So if I can't come into agreement with him fully

496
00:37:23.520 --> 00:37:29.520
to this extent, I can at least come into agreement with the fact that wherever it is that I am,

497
00:37:29.520 --> 00:37:35.200
I'm not condemned. So that's what I was saying earlier when I was talking like with, I don't

498
00:37:35.200 --> 00:37:38.800
remember if it was on posts or if it was on some fireside chats or whatever, where I was telling

499
00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:44.400
people, you know, you just come to the, to, if you can't agree with God on something, come into

500
00:37:44.400 --> 00:37:50.800
agreement with him on something else. You know, if you can't, you know, and, uh, like some people

501
00:37:50.800 --> 00:37:56.880
were struggling with the fact that he, um, what was the example I gave? Like that he would provide

502
00:37:56.880 --> 00:38:02.720
for them or I don't know, provide for them certain amount of money or something. And it was like,

503
00:38:02.720 --> 00:38:08.640
okay, well, if you can't agree with the Lord about that yet, come to agreement with something. To

504
00:38:08.640 --> 00:38:13.120
what degree can you believe that he said, cause he says that he also loves you. And he says

505
00:38:13.120 --> 00:38:19.200
that unconditionally, he says that he's good. He says that you abide in him. And then, so pick one

506
00:38:19.200 --> 00:38:25.360
of those. And to what degree can you believe that he is that thing? And if you can't agree with any

507
00:38:25.360 --> 00:38:29.520
of those, at least, and this is a big one that I've been drilling into people lately, just because

508
00:38:29.520 --> 00:38:35.920
of where it is that I'm finding that they are at least come into agreement with choosing that you

509
00:38:35.920 --> 00:38:42.080
are enjoyable, that God delights in you enjoy yourself. And so some of the things that I've

510
00:38:42.080 --> 00:38:50.320
been in encouraging certain members in, um, is, is to go find something that they like to do and

511
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:56.960
finally let themselves do it. Cause so much of us are, you know, like me and some of these other

512
00:38:56.960 --> 00:39:01.920
people been holding ourselves back from letting ourselves do hobbies and certain things that we

513
00:39:01.920 --> 00:39:07.440
really like to do. Cause we're so afraid that, well, what if God doesn't like it? What if it's

514
00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:12.880
not like, what if he's considered a waste of time? What if, you know, surely there's something more

515
00:39:12.880 --> 00:39:17.280
spiritual I'm supposed to be doing, or I don't know, just whatever, or what if I'm just, what

516
00:39:17.280 --> 00:39:21.680
if I'm just not going to be very good at it? Or what if I already know that I'm not as good as

517
00:39:21.680 --> 00:39:28.720
somebody else? So surely, you know, me wanting this isn't good. And we have to begin to at least

518
00:39:28.720 --> 00:39:37.280
choose is God good enough to the degree that he says that he is that your desires are to be delighted

519
00:39:37.280 --> 00:39:43.360
in. So at least agree, at least come into agreement with him about that and step out in faith and

520
00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:47.200
actually act on something you want to do. Cause you're not letting yourself, cause you don't

521
00:39:47.200 --> 00:39:53.360
think God's that good. So at least try that one. That's a risk that you have to take. So try that

522
00:39:53.360 --> 00:39:58.640
one. And so I'm like trying to figure out where can you come into agreement with God? And so that

523
00:39:58.640 --> 00:39:59.920
was it. That was an easier one.

524
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:02.280
And then I was hoping that people would be able to grab ahold of.

525
00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:05.080
It's like, well, you know, I don't know that I can believe

526
00:40:05.080 --> 00:40:06.620
God about my finances, whatever.

527
00:40:06.960 --> 00:40:07.220
Okay.

528
00:40:07.220 --> 00:40:09.020
Well, what is a hobby that you want to do?

529
00:40:09.020 --> 00:40:10.680
Have you ever wanted to do horseback riding?

530
00:40:11.240 --> 00:40:15.400
Well, yeah, no, nobody that I've talked to has, but I'm just using that as an

531
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:16.640
example, because that was me.

532
00:40:16.720 --> 00:40:18.920
I wanted to, that was one of, huh?

533
00:40:20.080 --> 00:40:21.560
Yeah, I wanted to.

534
00:40:21.720 --> 00:40:25.120
And so I looked into it and whatever I ended up not doing it simply because

535
00:40:25.120 --> 00:40:29.280
I chose other things instead, you know, cause I have, I have a lot of interests.

536
00:40:29.280 --> 00:40:33.000
I I'm always finding something that I want to learn or know how to do, but

537
00:40:33.000 --> 00:40:36.480
anyway, so I just, uh, and one of the things was horseback riding.

538
00:40:36.480 --> 00:40:40.320
And so I told them, I was like, for instance, you don't have to commit to

539
00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:44.360
a huge thing when you want to finally start trying to step out in your own

540
00:40:44.360 --> 00:40:49.840
desire and try to believe that God is so good that if you want something.

541
00:40:50.280 --> 00:40:56.840
Act on it and enjoy you enjoying it for the heck of it, not to accomplish

542
00:40:56.840 --> 00:41:01.160
something, not to refer it to succeed to a particular degree, not for anyone

543
00:41:01.160 --> 00:41:06.960
to notice, not for anyone to like, just you enjoying the actual doing of it.

544
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:10.200
I said, for instance, I said, you don't have to make a big commitment.

545
00:41:10.560 --> 00:41:12.520
Just get one horseback riding lesson.

546
00:41:12.520 --> 00:41:14.120
You don't have to commit to five.

547
00:41:14.120 --> 00:41:15.320
You don't have to do a month.

548
00:41:15.640 --> 00:41:17.200
One, just one.

549
00:41:17.200 --> 00:41:21.480
I said, and do it fast so that you actually are acting more.

550
00:41:21.520 --> 00:41:24.840
You're acting on that faith, not like, okay, yeah, schedule it out.

551
00:41:25.240 --> 00:41:26.760
And it'll be two weeks from now.

552
00:41:26.760 --> 00:41:27.640
And I'll work up my courage.

553
00:41:27.640 --> 00:41:27.960
Nope.

554
00:41:28.200 --> 00:41:31.600
You told you're, you're telling God, God, I believe you.

555
00:41:31.880 --> 00:41:32.800
So here I go.

556
00:41:33.320 --> 00:41:35.320
So then you act on us and you enjoy you.

557
00:41:36.200 --> 00:41:40.560
And, um, I, I gave, um, a few people, this example of one of the people,

558
00:41:40.560 --> 00:41:44.840
Laurie Jess, who's who's in the group and she's posted a few times.

559
00:41:44.840 --> 00:41:51.640
So she was, she's somebody from like 2020 and, um, and she, uh, was, she

560
00:41:51.640 --> 00:41:53.720
was having this problem and she wouldn't mind me.

561
00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:57.480
Um, I, I never talk about, um, other people and what other people are going

562
00:41:57.480 --> 00:42:01.720
through, but this is one of those things that she is free enough that she would

563
00:42:01.720 --> 00:42:08.080
let me, um, that she would let me tell people this, in fact, she gave a testimony

564
00:42:08.080 --> 00:42:11.480
about it and posted it in like 2021.

565
00:42:11.960 --> 00:42:17.880
Um, that I had worked with, um, that I'd been talking to her about, uh, or no,

566
00:42:17.880 --> 00:42:21.880
she told me, she said, Ashley, I, I used to love photography.

567
00:42:21.880 --> 00:42:23.360
That's her, one of her businesses.

568
00:42:23.800 --> 00:42:25.240
She said, I love photography.

569
00:42:25.280 --> 00:42:27.480
Um, you know, I do weddings and stuff like that.

570
00:42:27.480 --> 00:42:30.960
And I, um, and I started in high school, I think, I think started in high

571
00:42:30.960 --> 00:42:32.320
school before she was even 18.

572
00:42:32.800 --> 00:42:34.640
And she said, just because I liked it.

573
00:42:34.640 --> 00:42:38.680
And she said, and then people started hiring me for it because they, they

574
00:42:38.680 --> 00:42:40.240
liked it and they thought I was good.

575
00:42:40.240 --> 00:42:41.400
And so they started hiring me.

576
00:42:41.400 --> 00:42:42.520
I said, I loved it.

577
00:42:42.920 --> 00:42:44.080
It was so much fun.

578
00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:48.080
She said, but then eventually it morphed into me trying to please

579
00:42:48.080 --> 00:42:51.360
everybody and making sure that they had everything that they wanted.

580
00:42:51.800 --> 00:42:56.120
And, and then she said, I've noticed that my creativity started being stifled

581
00:42:56.480 --> 00:42:58.000
and now it's not fun anymore.

582
00:42:58.040 --> 00:42:59.080
I dread it.

583
00:42:59.320 --> 00:43:00.760
And she said, and I love doing it.

584
00:43:00.760 --> 00:43:03.920
Why on earth do I now dread something that I actually love?

585
00:43:04.480 --> 00:43:08.960
And I, and so I said, I said, well, you don't need to be driven by the customer.

586
00:43:09.280 --> 00:43:13.080
So you need to be driven by your spirit because it's your spirit that

587
00:43:13.080 --> 00:43:14.720
needs to operate out into the world.

588
00:43:14.960 --> 00:43:16.560
And so anyway, so I was telling her all of this.

589
00:43:16.560 --> 00:43:20.240
And so she's like, okay, so finally I'll, um, so I, I told her, I said,

590
00:43:20.240 --> 00:43:21.640
here's what I recommend doing.

591
00:43:21.640 --> 00:43:25.320
Because she thought, she said, I can't access my creativity anymore.

592
00:43:25.320 --> 00:43:28.600
She's like, I don't know why it won't come out or something like that.

593
00:43:28.600 --> 00:43:31.240
And I said, okay, so here's what you do to re-spark it.

594
00:43:31.800 --> 00:43:33.960
I said, just think about something that you want to do.

595
00:43:34.840 --> 00:43:38.320
I said, it could be completely irrelevant to photography,

596
00:43:38.320 --> 00:43:39.640
completely irrelevant to anything else.

597
00:43:39.960 --> 00:43:41.760
Think of something that you want to do.

598
00:43:41.760 --> 00:43:43.080
That sounds fun.

599
00:43:43.480 --> 00:43:45.560
Not the end result sounds fun.

600
00:43:45.960 --> 00:43:49.360
The process of doing the thing sounds fun.

601
00:43:49.480 --> 00:43:52.840
Like while you're doing it, you are feeling alive.

602
00:43:52.840 --> 00:43:54.840
It's like, there's something in you that's just coming alive.

603
00:43:54.840 --> 00:43:55.720
I said, and do it.

604
00:43:56.040 --> 00:44:01.040
Don't work towards a specific goal of like, well, I want X, you know, whatever.

605
00:44:01.320 --> 00:44:03.840
So she decided she wanted to do a YouTube video and she

606
00:44:03.840 --> 00:44:06.000
wanted to do it on like some craft.

607
00:44:06.480 --> 00:44:09.600
It had nothing whatsoever to do with photography, but she did

608
00:44:09.600 --> 00:44:13.520
some YouTube video and she just did a craft because she thought that

609
00:44:13.520 --> 00:44:15.880
doing the video and doing the craft.

610
00:44:15.880 --> 00:44:18.240
So in other words, the process of it would be fun.

611
00:44:18.720 --> 00:44:20.880
In other words that she was enjoying herself.

612
00:44:21.560 --> 00:44:22.320
So she started it.

613
00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:26.240
So she did it and overnight it went viral.

614
00:44:26.960 --> 00:44:29.920
So she's just like, how did that happen?

615
00:44:30.440 --> 00:44:32.920
And I was like, because you gave you.

616
00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:38.080
And so that goes out into the universe that goes out, not just out of aging,

617
00:44:38.080 --> 00:44:42.320
but that goes out, you know, into creation and it responds to a son of

618
00:44:42.640 --> 00:44:49.520
because you weren't catering to, or being driven by somebody else's creations

619
00:44:49.520 --> 00:44:54.440
or people's like pulling on you and desires and what it is that they wanted

620
00:44:54.440 --> 00:44:59.840
and their dictations and their definition, you allow, you allowed yourself to.

621
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:07.840
feel and experience you and just you experiencing you was captured and recorded.

622
00:45:08.720 --> 00:45:13.120
And then you were put it out there and other people decided they wanted that. They wanted

623
00:45:13.120 --> 00:45:16.800
that genuineness. They wanted to watch what it is you were doing. They liked the feel of it,

624
00:45:16.800 --> 00:45:22.640
et cetera. So, but they couldn't do that if you weren't being you uninhibited, where,

625
00:45:23.280 --> 00:45:27.680
where you were just allowing yourself to be who it is that God created you to be.

626
00:45:27.680 --> 00:45:35.840
So anyway, that is one example of someone that has just, that just, you know, believed that,

627
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:43.760
that, that practiced trying to step out in, okay, well, would is what is inside of me? Is it good

628
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:48.960
enough? You know, it's like, well, if God says that it is, then act like it, what would you do?

629
00:45:49.680 --> 00:45:55.280
Like, well, then I would do something that I wanted to do. And then, you know, so allow yourself

630
00:45:55.280 --> 00:46:00.240
the experience of enjoying you. So that's just one example, but just going where it is that you

631
00:46:00.800 --> 00:46:08.160
going to what it is acting on what it is, what it is that you can agree with God on.

632
00:46:10.000 --> 00:46:16.080
And then as far as like some of these, like, like how it is that you are living your life right now,

633
00:46:16.080 --> 00:46:21.200
while you're going through these two weeks a month, where it's just heightened sensitivity

634
00:46:21.200 --> 00:46:27.680
along the same line of what I was just talking about. I would recommend that like what we've

635
00:46:27.680 --> 00:46:33.280
been talking about the past couple of weeks, and we've been focusing a lot on is, you know, choosing,

636
00:46:34.000 --> 00:46:41.520
choosing yourself, choosing that you are, that you're, that you are valuable enough to enjoy

637
00:46:42.240 --> 00:46:55.040
and to, to, to value, to pick and to spend time on. So I wouldn't, I would, I would recommend not

638
00:46:55.040 --> 00:47:01.920
trying to push yourself during those two weeks. Because what you'd be doing is you'd be doing that,

639
00:47:01.920 --> 00:47:06.880
you'd be allowing your time, allowing yourself a time of healing and doing what a friend of

640
00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:12.160
mine refers to as writing a new record. I don't know if you've listened to Chris Blackaby at all.

641
00:47:12.160 --> 00:47:16.800
So Chris Blackaby talks about that. He says, writing a new record where God will put you back

642
00:47:16.800 --> 00:47:22.640
into other, into old situations where you believed a lie about him. And now we'll put you back in that

643
00:47:22.640 --> 00:47:30.000
situation in order for you to have the opportunity to choose to believe what he says about himself,

644
00:47:30.640 --> 00:47:35.600
even though you're in an old situation that would trigger you, right? So anyway, so that's what

645
00:47:35.600 --> 00:47:41.600
you're experiencing every two weeks is being in the same situations over and over. And they may not

646
00:47:41.600 --> 00:47:48.000
be the exact like physical situations, but emotionally triggering the same situations.

647
00:47:48.560 --> 00:47:54.400
And, and then to, to now make a different choice, but I wouldn't make it hard. What I would imagine

648
00:47:54.400 --> 00:47:59.840
what, instead of trying to believe something about God, like, or about yourself, like, okay, well,

649
00:47:59.840 --> 00:48:07.040
no, no, no, I really am safe. I really am protected. You know, I really am loved because

650
00:48:07.040 --> 00:48:12.480
those are probably a lot of the offenses that are being triggered is I'm not safe. I'm not loved.

651
00:48:12.480 --> 00:48:19.200
I'm rejected. I'm alone. I'm separated. I'm, you know, those kinds of things. So you can choose

652
00:48:19.760 --> 00:48:30.720
to use those, but those might be too those might be too challenging because you've got so much

653
00:48:30.720 --> 00:48:38.720
going on at once. You've just got an overload for two weeks. So I would recommend not even

654
00:48:38.720 --> 00:48:44.720
working on that because I think that you've got, you're under so much weight. I would just focus on

655
00:48:45.280 --> 00:48:52.160
evaluating yourself and enjoying yourself during that time and not trying to push through and

656
00:48:52.800 --> 00:48:57.760
learn hard things during that time. Like, okay, well, I'm trying, in other words, stop

657
00:48:58.400 --> 00:49:05.680
trying to strengthen yourself spiritually or make hard decisions like hard spiritual decisions

658
00:49:06.240 --> 00:49:11.280
or doing the, working really hard to do the right thing, you know, and going this extra

659
00:49:11.280 --> 00:49:17.040
mile to be Christ. And I would recommend not doing that and choosing instead to come into

660
00:49:17.040 --> 00:49:23.440
agreement with God, to the degree that you're good enough and you're fine. You may not be able

661
00:49:23.440 --> 00:49:28.240
to believe you're safe. You may not be able to believe that you are protected, may not be able

662
00:49:28.240 --> 00:49:33.280
to believe that you are not alone. You know, those might be a little too challenging simply because

663
00:49:33.280 --> 00:49:38.800
of the enor, the volume that you're dealing with and the weight. So what I would choose is I,

664
00:49:38.800 --> 00:49:43.440
what I would recommend is doing like this spiritual rest version of self-care,

665
00:49:44.480 --> 00:49:51.200
enjoy yourself, choose you as someone that is opposed, as opposed to choosing that. No, no,

666
00:49:51.200 --> 00:49:54.960
no. They really do love me. We're going to know God really does love me. And I need to stop

667
00:49:54.960 --> 00:49:59.840
believing that you love you. You be for yourself, what you wish they were.

668
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.520
or you what wish you wish God was.

669
00:50:02.520 --> 00:50:05.720
And that will be you coming into an agreement with God

670
00:50:05.720 --> 00:50:07.480
to the extent that you can,

671
00:50:08.400 --> 00:50:11.800
of the fact that you are valuable.

672
00:50:11.800 --> 00:50:13.220
Because that's what he says that you are.

673
00:50:13.220 --> 00:50:15.700
So you treat yourself like that.

674
00:50:15.700 --> 00:50:19.360
So that is you actually choosing something

675
00:50:19.360 --> 00:50:20.840
and acting on it.

676
00:50:20.840 --> 00:50:23.520
So that really is faith.

677
00:50:23.520 --> 00:50:27.240
So you're having faith of what God says about you.

678
00:50:27.240 --> 00:50:28.320
And that's what I would recommend.

679
00:50:28.320 --> 00:50:31.720
That really, that's what I started out with

680
00:50:31.720 --> 00:50:36.720
even before God ever told me about choosing him.

681
00:50:37.160 --> 00:50:42.160
And what is it that God, I choose that you be who it is

682
00:50:44.040 --> 00:50:47.120
that you are over my lifestyle.

683
00:50:47.120 --> 00:50:49.480
And that you just manifest your character.

684
00:50:49.480 --> 00:50:51.440
I choose your character over my lifestyle.

685
00:50:51.440 --> 00:50:53.760
And I choose that you manifest that character into my life

686
00:50:53.760 --> 00:50:56.120
regardless of what it makes my life look like.

687
00:50:56.960 --> 00:51:01.960
That was at least 10 months after I felt not safe with God.

688
00:51:05.080 --> 00:51:08.160
So for 10 months, I was not, didn't feel safe with God

689
00:51:08.160 --> 00:51:09.880
or at least six, let me say six,

690
00:51:09.880 --> 00:51:14.880
because it was six months between December, 2018,

691
00:51:15.300 --> 00:51:18.080
when I was just like, okay, I choose myself now.

692
00:51:18.080 --> 00:51:21.440
And then July, 2019, when I first heard

693
00:51:21.440 --> 00:51:24.060
Chris Blackaby's message about our identity in Christ,

694
00:51:24.060 --> 00:51:24.900
et cetera.

695
00:51:24.900 --> 00:51:27.260
And for that six months, it was just like,

696
00:51:27.260 --> 00:51:29.660
I choose that I'm really not as bad

697
00:51:29.660 --> 00:51:31.460
as I thought that I was.

698
00:51:31.460 --> 00:51:33.820
That God really did create a good thing.

699
00:51:33.820 --> 00:51:36.020
So I couldn't believe much about God,

700
00:51:36.020 --> 00:51:38.940
but I could at least believe that he made me more free

701
00:51:38.940 --> 00:51:40.680
than I had been believing.

702
00:51:40.680 --> 00:51:45.680
So I did that for six months before God introduced me

703
00:51:45.900 --> 00:51:48.980
to believing in choosing himself.

704
00:51:48.980 --> 00:51:52.620
That gave me six months of healing because,

705
00:51:52.620 --> 00:51:54.020
and what I would do is I would think,

706
00:51:54.020 --> 00:51:55.860
what do I want?

707
00:51:55.860 --> 00:51:58.100
And then I would start doing those things.

708
00:51:58.100 --> 00:52:01.620
As weird as it sounds, that is spiritual self-care.

709
00:52:01.620 --> 00:52:02.620
That was loving on me.

710
00:52:02.620 --> 00:52:06.600
That was allowing myself permission to do things

711
00:52:06.600 --> 00:52:09.860
that I always wanted God to give me permission to do.

712
00:52:09.860 --> 00:52:11.460
God, can I do this hobby?

713
00:52:11.460 --> 00:52:12.940
God, I really like this.

714
00:52:12.940 --> 00:52:14.380
Can I spend my time on this?

715
00:52:14.380 --> 00:52:16.460
Can I spend like a lot of time on it?

716
00:52:16.460 --> 00:52:17.820
You know, and whatever.

717
00:52:17.820 --> 00:52:20.580
Well, I wanted God to give me permission for that.

718
00:52:20.580 --> 00:52:22.580
I wanted my parents to give me permission to that.

719
00:52:22.620 --> 00:52:23.460
I wanted somebody else

720
00:52:23.460 --> 00:52:26.100
to emotionally give me permission for that.

721
00:52:26.100 --> 00:52:30.380
I gave myself permission because no one else was doing it.

722
00:52:31.220 --> 00:52:32.940
Anyway, so I would imagine that that,

723
00:52:32.940 --> 00:52:34.900
I would hope that that would be helpful to you

724
00:52:34.900 --> 00:52:36.860
in those situations because you're wanting something

725
00:52:36.860 --> 00:52:38.740
from people that they're not giving,

726
00:52:38.740 --> 00:52:40.780
that you feel like they're not giving.

727
00:52:40.780 --> 00:52:41.940
So I'm not making a judgment call

728
00:52:41.940 --> 00:52:43.060
about whether or not it's happening.

729
00:52:43.060 --> 00:52:45.380
We're talking about the fact that you're in a situation

730
00:52:45.380 --> 00:52:46.740
where you're feeling offended.

731
00:52:46.740 --> 00:52:49.300
In other words, you don't feel you're getting it.

732
00:52:50.500 --> 00:52:52.140
So you don't feel it.

733
00:52:52.980 --> 00:52:57.980
Let's go from that standard.

734
00:52:57.980 --> 00:52:59.220
Like, okay, I don't feel it.

735
00:52:59.220 --> 00:53:01.260
So therefore I'm not receiving it.

736
00:53:01.260 --> 00:53:03.820
So therefore I will give it to myself.

737
00:53:03.820 --> 00:53:05.340
They're not giving it to me

738
00:53:05.340 --> 00:53:08.020
and I don't feel God's giving it to me.

739
00:53:08.020 --> 00:53:09.540
So I will give it to me.

740
00:53:10.580 --> 00:53:14.420
And then I would recommend just like,

741
00:53:14.420 --> 00:53:15.420
you know, what we're talking about here,

742
00:53:15.420 --> 00:53:17.740
declare and go where your soul finds peace.

743
00:53:17.740 --> 00:53:20.580
Declare that the reason that you're choosing yourself

744
00:53:20.580 --> 00:53:23.180
is to that degree and giving it to yourself

745
00:53:23.180 --> 00:53:25.100
is because God says you're that good.

746
00:53:26.340 --> 00:53:28.340
And that's what I always tell God is I say,

747
00:53:28.340 --> 00:53:30.340
God, the reason that I'm doing whatever it is

748
00:53:30.340 --> 00:53:32.420
that I'm doing, whenever I'm operating in this part

749
00:53:32.420 --> 00:53:34.380
right here, I'm declaring and going

750
00:53:34.380 --> 00:53:35.820
where my soul finds peace.

751
00:53:35.820 --> 00:53:39.300
I always tell God, God, the reason I'm picking this one

752
00:53:39.300 --> 00:53:42.820
is because I believe that this is who you're saying

753
00:53:42.820 --> 00:53:43.660
that you are.

754
00:53:44.980 --> 00:53:49.980
And this is where my soul feels happy or feels safe.

755
00:53:51.340 --> 00:53:54.180
Or feels secure or feels loved.

756
00:53:54.180 --> 00:53:56.820
So I'm gonna receive this.

757
00:53:56.820 --> 00:53:59.460
You know, I'm gonna, I don't know, do whatever it is

758
00:53:59.460 --> 00:54:01.260
that, you know, I've decided I wanna do

759
00:54:01.260 --> 00:54:03.420
that's gonna make me feel really good and comforted

760
00:54:03.420 --> 00:54:04.740
and whatever else.

761
00:54:04.740 --> 00:54:07.260
And believe while I'm doing the thing

762
00:54:08.300 --> 00:54:11.820
that God loves me that much, that I can do that.

763
00:54:12.980 --> 00:54:14.620
And that honestly will heal you

764
00:54:14.620 --> 00:54:16.060
because what you are doing

765
00:54:16.060 --> 00:54:19.700
is you're putting yourself experientially in a situation

766
00:54:19.700 --> 00:54:22.660
for him to show up and prove to you

767
00:54:22.660 --> 00:54:24.660
that that's what he really is like.

768
00:54:24.660 --> 00:54:28.380
As opposed to us not ever letting ourselves step into it

769
00:54:28.380 --> 00:54:31.060
and then always just having to believe by faith

770
00:54:31.060 --> 00:54:32.820
that, well, if I were to step into it,

771
00:54:32.820 --> 00:54:34.340
God would show up like he is.

772
00:54:34.340 --> 00:54:36.300
No, put yourself there.

773
00:54:36.300 --> 00:54:38.460
Because the reason that we're not stepping into it

774
00:54:38.460 --> 00:54:41.380
is we highly doubt that God's actually gonna do that.

775
00:54:41.380 --> 00:54:43.260
So this is us acting on our faith like,

776
00:54:43.260 --> 00:54:44.940
okay, God, if you say that,

777
00:54:44.940 --> 00:54:49.420
I'm going to put myself there and act like it.

778
00:54:50.100 --> 00:54:52.340
So is this making sense?

779
00:54:52.340 --> 00:54:53.580
What are your thoughts?

780
00:54:53.580 --> 00:54:55.740
Yeah, definitely.

781
00:54:55.740 --> 00:54:57.980
I think when I do those things,

782
00:54:57.980 --> 00:55:00.140
when I say self-care, I mean, just like.

783
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.520
loving myself well and just eating those moments.

784
00:55:02.520 --> 00:55:11.140
Not always like the spa, but yeah, he's having compassion and being super kind.

785
00:55:11.940 --> 00:55:15.180
And I had seen a measure of breakthrough in those things.

786
00:55:15.220 --> 00:55:20.220
And so again, choosing to like, not just choosing, like genuinely believing,

787
00:55:20.460 --> 00:55:21.780
like, I know that he's a healer.

788
00:55:21.780 --> 00:55:28.100
I know that he created me for a plan and a purpose and, and yes, for, for

789
00:55:28.100 --> 00:55:34.460
intimacy with him and just to be able to run and to be happy and to be full of

790
00:55:34.460 --> 00:55:37.340
joy and to be overflowing with the fruits of the spirit.

791
00:55:37.340 --> 00:55:38.880
Like, I really do believe that.

792
00:55:38.880 --> 00:55:43.020
And even though I don't, I know I'm not experiencing it in its entirety right

793
00:55:43.020 --> 00:55:52.340
now, um, I, yeah, I just like during, especially during those, those couple

794
00:55:52.340 --> 00:55:58.940
of weeks and just like the intensity of, of work and, um, or just, just not

795
00:55:58.940 --> 00:56:02.260
even the intensity, just the responsibility, like you still have to show up, you know,

796
00:56:02.260 --> 00:56:04.880
you still have to put in your 40, 50 hours.

797
00:56:04.880 --> 00:56:09.400
Like you just, just have to, that's the agreement you have on paper.

798
00:56:09.440 --> 00:56:09.740
Right.

799
00:56:10.420 --> 00:56:21.680
Um, and I, I still like, I think wrestle with the idea of like, if my greatest

800
00:56:21.700 --> 00:56:26.960
desires just experience complete healing in my body, and if there was a chance

801
00:56:26.960 --> 00:56:34.800
that, that, um, I could get to that destination quicker, if I just walk away

802
00:56:35.000 --> 00:56:41.040
and just stop the busyness of life and allow my body to rest and my adrenals to

803
00:56:41.040 --> 00:56:49.380
rest and find a new baseline and build from that place, like, and then I think

804
00:56:49.380 --> 00:56:54.600
I just still like wonder if it was possible to get to that place where I'm

805
00:56:54.600 --> 00:57:05.980
wanting to go, um, and I know, yeah, I don't know, I've done drastic things

806
00:57:05.980 --> 00:57:10.540
like that, by the way, I'm not saying that I know what it is that you should

807
00:57:10.540 --> 00:57:14.940
do in your situation, but I will tell you that I've done, I've chosen drastic

808
00:57:14.940 --> 00:57:20.540
things like that, where I've just chosen to walk away from what seems like, um,

809
00:57:21.020 --> 00:57:27.980
uh, uh, responsive, uh, the responsible choice or the responsible job, the

810
00:57:27.980 --> 00:57:38.980
whatever, um, because I was so desperate to gain the life that I just knew that,

811
00:57:39.020 --> 00:57:41.540
um, God intended us to live.

812
00:57:41.620 --> 00:57:46.420
And by life, I mean, existence, not even necessarily the life on this earth.

813
00:57:46.460 --> 00:57:51.620
It's like, there's something inside of us that, that life, regardless of

814
00:57:51.620 --> 00:57:55.700
the, of what we're doing out here, that life, it's just like, this is not what I

815
00:57:55.700 --> 00:57:56.140
thought.

816
00:57:56.220 --> 00:58:03.300
And, um, and so I just made very drastic decisions and yes, I did have to, um, and

817
00:58:03.300 --> 00:58:08.980
I went through a lot of, a lot of, uh, struggle, um, where, um, the way that

818
00:58:08.980 --> 00:58:12.940
things worked out for me, just to give you an idea of what happened is, you know,

819
00:58:12.940 --> 00:58:17.900
I ended up leaving my job and I tried to make other jobs work.

820
00:58:17.940 --> 00:58:22.660
I started, um, I left my brick and mortar, um, uh, left doing business

821
00:58:22.660 --> 00:58:27.460
consulting in brick and mortar, like hit locations and thought, well, I would

822
00:58:27.460 --> 00:58:28.580
like, well, what would I like?

823
00:58:28.820 --> 00:58:31.780
Well, I would like to be able to have the flexibility to work from home.

824
00:58:32.260 --> 00:58:36.740
And I would like to be able to do, I don't know, to just have more control of my

825
00:58:36.740 --> 00:58:40.100
schedule and my, my clients and whatever.

826
00:58:40.100 --> 00:58:43.260
So I would, so I'm going to try to make that work.

827
00:58:43.580 --> 00:58:45.500
So I left my job.

828
00:58:45.500 --> 00:58:46.860
It kind of like petered out.

829
00:58:47.860 --> 00:58:53.780
Um, with outside of my control, but at the same time, I also wasn't fighting

830
00:58:53.780 --> 00:58:55.620
hard for it because I was just done.

831
00:58:55.620 --> 00:59:02.220
I was actually in a, in a contract where I was being, um, uh, I was being bullied.

832
00:59:03.380 --> 00:59:07.620
And that, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it was so bad that when I was

833
00:59:07.620 --> 00:59:13.220
the buffer between this, the owner and, uh, and like even the president of the

834
00:59:13.220 --> 00:59:20.380
company, I, as the consultant, I was the buffer and I, um, and, and they made me

835
00:59:20.380 --> 00:59:24.940
look really bad to the other owner who I had personal relationship with.

836
00:59:24.980 --> 00:59:29.300
And so the other owner had to basically like demote me, you know, in the contract.

837
00:59:29.940 --> 00:59:33.940
And, um, uh, and I asked the Lord, Lord, well, can I walk away?

838
00:59:33.940 --> 00:59:36.780
And he said, no, this is my, the provision that I've made for you.

839
00:59:36.780 --> 00:59:38.620
And I was like, Lord, this is humiliating.

840
00:59:38.940 --> 00:59:44.180
I literally am going from being, from being like right under the owner to

841
00:59:44.180 --> 00:59:45.900
now low man on the totem pole.

842
00:59:45.900 --> 00:59:49.700
I'm like writing reports in the sales room.

843
00:59:50.540 --> 00:59:53.660
Like they're all taking sales or any commissions and I'm over there

844
00:59:53.660 --> 00:59:56.540
writing reports, taking instructions.

845
00:59:57.020 --> 00:59:58.700
So I'm like, Laura, this is so hard.

846
00:59:58.700 --> 01:00:00.020
And he said, this is my provision.

847
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:03.960
for you. I was like, okay, so I just took it. So I did it. But

848
01:00:03.980 --> 01:00:06.680
the point was that it was a really difficult situation when

849
01:00:06.680 --> 01:00:11.120
I was removed from being the buffer, the president got it got

850
01:00:11.120 --> 01:00:15.560
all of that all of that bullying from the owner, as well as the

851
01:00:15.560 --> 01:00:21.880
CFO, the head of sales, which was a big position, it was kind

852
01:00:21.880 --> 01:00:26.440
of like the equivalent of like, a VP, you know, and whatever. So

853
01:00:26.440 --> 01:00:31.680
all of these other like, big people, they all began to

854
01:00:31.680 --> 01:00:36.600
receive the brunt from this guy. And when I finally went back a

855
01:00:36.600 --> 01:00:39.920
year later, that that owner did some horrible things to all of

856
01:00:39.920 --> 01:00:43.440
those people, including the other owner. And he left them

857
01:00:43.440 --> 01:00:46.720
all in a really bad financial place. He like really did

858
01:00:46.720 --> 01:00:50.320
mishandle the finances, and then left them holding the bag and a

859
01:00:50.320 --> 01:00:53.520
state laughing thought and thinking this is a Christian, by

860
01:00:53.520 --> 01:01:00.160
the way, he had been a missionary overseas. I know, I

861
01:01:00.160 --> 01:01:04.200
known this person, but not well, but I'd known this person for

862
01:01:04.200 --> 01:01:09.400
10 years. This is not what you would expect. Anyway, so it's

863
01:01:09.400 --> 01:01:12.600
this really difficult situation. So anyway, the second owner, I

864
01:01:12.600 --> 01:01:15.040
talked to him a year later, and he's like, Ashley, I'm so sorry

865
01:01:15.040 --> 01:01:18.200
for you know, or he's like, this is what happened. This is what

866
01:01:18.200 --> 01:01:20.440
the other guy did to us, you know, and he's eventually gone

867
01:01:20.440 --> 01:01:22.960
or whatever. And I said, I am so sorry, I went through that. I

868
01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:25.320
said, Do you remember when I worked for y'all a year ago, and

869
01:01:25.320 --> 01:01:27.720
I was going through so much trouble, and then he demoted me

870
01:01:27.720 --> 01:01:31.040
and all of that. He said, Yeah, I said, I didn't know the word

871
01:01:31.040 --> 01:01:33.560
for it back then, because I'd never experienced it before. But

872
01:01:33.560 --> 01:01:37.000
since then, I've grown up and I realized what that was. So that

873
01:01:37.000 --> 01:01:41.440
was narcissistic bullying. I said, I, I've never been through

874
01:01:41.440 --> 01:01:44.720
that situation before. And it was it was really bad. I said,

875
01:01:44.720 --> 01:01:49.240
that's why I was acting the way that I was, I was trying to keep

876
01:01:49.240 --> 01:01:53.280
my head above water, and figure out how to manage things that

877
01:01:53.280 --> 01:01:55.760
the guy made it look like I was doing a really bad job when

878
01:01:55.760 --> 01:01:59.080
really, he wasn't working with me. And he wanted a yes man and

879
01:01:59.080 --> 01:02:03.920
all of that. And no, I'm, I'm a consultant. So I'm not. I'm not,

880
01:02:03.920 --> 01:02:08.440
you know, the lackey. Anyway, he went back to his head of people,

881
01:02:08.480 --> 01:02:11.920
all of those people, and talked to them and said, Hey, you

882
01:02:11.920 --> 01:02:14.640
remember, Ashley, that worked here last year? They're like,

883
01:02:14.640 --> 01:02:17.400
Yeah, they said, Well, this is what she said went on while she

884
01:02:17.400 --> 01:02:20.920
was there. And I'm wondering after she left, did y'all

885
01:02:20.920 --> 01:02:26.960
experience any of that from him? They broke down crying, grown

886
01:02:26.960 --> 01:02:31.920
people. So he went back and told me said, Ashley, I'm so glad

887
01:02:31.920 --> 01:02:35.120
that you told me all of that. Because I was able to talk to

888
01:02:35.120 --> 01:02:39.640
all those people and apologize for having for them having been

889
01:02:39.640 --> 01:02:43.160
in that situation where I wasn't protecting them. He didn't know

890
01:02:43.160 --> 01:02:45.640
they needed protecting. He didn't know I needed protecting.

891
01:02:45.920 --> 01:02:48.720
But the point is, he's like, regardless of whether or not I

892
01:02:48.720 --> 01:02:52.840
knew, I didn't protect them. And emotionally, that's how it

893
01:02:52.840 --> 01:02:55.640
affected them. And some of them, you know, the President included

894
01:02:55.640 --> 01:02:58.960
said, Oh, yeah, I almost left multiple times, because it was

895
01:02:58.960 --> 01:03:03.200
just so bad. Anyway, so telling you, there was a reason I was

896
01:03:03.200 --> 01:03:05.160
telling you that story. What was I telling you? What are we

897
01:03:05.160 --> 01:03:05.920
talking about?

898
01:03:09.840 --> 01:03:12.320
Big moves and leaving everything?

899
01:03:12.880 --> 01:03:16.880
Yes, thank you. So anyway, so it kind of happened where it was

900
01:03:16.920 --> 01:03:19.600
out of my control, but it was kind of in it anyway. So I went

901
01:03:19.600 --> 01:03:22.720
from that, and just thought, okay, I'm going to try to build

902
01:03:22.720 --> 01:03:27.080
my own business, you know, why it was my own business, but do

903
01:03:27.080 --> 01:03:33.280
it like, you know, remotely. So I tried all kinds of things. I,

904
01:03:33.480 --> 01:03:37.000
I paid 1000s of dollars in courses, trying to learn how to

905
01:03:37.000 --> 01:03:42.840
do this stuff. And, and after doing it for it took me working

906
01:03:42.840 --> 01:03:51.120
on it for 11 months, all day long, every day, burning out it

907
01:03:51.120 --> 01:03:59.400
not working for 11 months, before I finally got paid for it

908
01:03:59.400 --> 01:04:04.200
paid for the first time. And so that was like multi businesses

909
01:04:05.120 --> 01:04:08.680
of multi businesses of having tried. And finally, I got a

910
01:04:08.680 --> 01:04:12.200
paycheck. And I did it for it was a business. It was for

911
01:04:12.200 --> 01:04:14.400
business consulting, kind of like from a spiritual

912
01:04:14.400 --> 01:04:18.760
perspective, of how to do business as a Christian. And so

913
01:04:18.760 --> 01:04:21.960
that's what it was. Anyway, so I did that for about four months

914
01:04:22.000 --> 01:04:24.280
before I realized, wait a minute, all of this stuff that

915
01:04:24.280 --> 01:04:26.480
I'm talking to people about, they're asking, actually, how do

916
01:04:26.480 --> 01:04:30.200
I apply this, these spiritual principles in my life? And then

917
01:04:30.200 --> 01:04:32.200
I and then as I was telling them how to do it in their

918
01:04:32.200 --> 01:04:34.720
relationships, and all of that, well, then I realized, wait a

919
01:04:34.720 --> 01:04:38.560
minute, what I'm teaching those on how to is how to live their

920
01:04:38.560 --> 01:04:41.600
life and run their businesses from a place of rest. And then

921
01:04:41.600 --> 01:04:44.960
in April of 2020, that's when it started the rest intensive, for

922
01:04:44.960 --> 01:04:48.680
free, by the way, I didn't charge any of those people, I

923
01:04:48.680 --> 01:04:54.840
had no money. And I tried and I said, and I, I committed myself

924
01:04:54.840 --> 01:04:58.800
to an entire month of teaching people teaching a group, which

925
01:04:58.800 --> 01:04:59.760
is something I'd never done.

926
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:05.120
ever done one-on-one teaching a whole group of people, something for 30 days.

927
01:05:05.360 --> 01:05:07.320
And I had, um, I had no money.

928
01:05:07.960 --> 01:05:09.200
Okay, Lord, here we go.

929
01:05:09.800 --> 01:05:15.760
So I have done, and then that ended up going, um, really well.

930
01:05:16.120 --> 01:05:20.560
And so the next, after the 30 days, I started a new one and, or

931
01:05:20.560 --> 01:05:24.280
inviting more people in, and then I started charging and I don't

932
01:05:24.280 --> 01:05:25.300
remember how much I charge.

933
01:05:25.320 --> 01:05:26.060
Oh, that's what it was.

934
01:05:26.060 --> 01:05:28.880
I did a commitment gesture where I don't charge a specific amount.

935
01:05:29.360 --> 01:05:33.080
I literally just stand, sit with someone for an hour, hear their story and then

936
01:05:33.080 --> 01:05:38.160
just tell them, Hey, whatever's on your heart between you and the Lord of how

937
01:05:38.160 --> 01:05:43.440
much you want to commit to yourself, commit of yourself to this, to, um,

938
01:05:43.480 --> 01:05:47.160
going through this program, you just pay me that amount and

939
01:05:47.160 --> 01:05:48.520
everyone pay different amounts.

940
01:05:49.160 --> 01:05:51.680
So I just like submitted myself to Lord, Lord, here I go.

941
01:05:51.840 --> 01:05:55.680
So I've done very big and drastic things.

942
01:05:56.160 --> 01:06:00.120
And my point in telling you all of that is, and telling you all

943
01:06:00.120 --> 01:06:02.280
those details is it wasn't easy.

944
01:06:03.480 --> 01:06:06.360
And my, my family thought I was being irresponsible.

945
01:06:07.280 --> 01:06:11.800
Um, cause there I was, I was what, 35 years old, you know, and they're

946
01:06:11.800 --> 01:06:15.360
like, you're doing what at 35, you went from a corporate, from corporate

947
01:06:15.360 --> 01:06:20.640
jobs, making lots of money to, you know, um, making these kinds of decisions.

948
01:06:20.640 --> 01:06:22.120
They were very worried about me.

949
01:06:22.160 --> 01:06:23.600
They were worried about me spiritually.

950
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:24.840
I wasn't going to church.

951
01:06:25.240 --> 01:06:28.600
Um, I wasn't, you know, walked away from the Lord, but I wasn't going to church

952
01:06:28.600 --> 01:06:32.560
and they're in their view that was, you know, you need to be going to church and,

953
01:06:32.600 --> 01:06:38.800
um, et cetera, and I did very drastic things and just trying so desperately to

954
01:06:38.800 --> 01:06:41.200
find God, God, where are you?

955
01:06:41.200 --> 01:06:43.320
And how on earth does this work?

956
01:06:44.040 --> 01:06:48.120
Cause here the Bible talks about one thing and life looks like something else.

957
01:06:48.480 --> 01:06:51.480
So where's, why is there a discrepancy?

958
01:06:51.960 --> 01:06:56.840
And I was just, I was tired of going the safer routes and the

959
01:06:56.840 --> 01:06:59.000
responsible routes, they weren't working for me.

960
01:06:59.640 --> 01:07:02.240
And so I made very drastic decisions now.

961
01:07:02.240 --> 01:07:06.680
Yes, the Lord did was with me in them, but they were not easy.

962
01:07:06.800 --> 01:07:09.440
I, I was out of money so much.

963
01:07:09.480 --> 01:07:11.520
I racked up so much debt.

964
01:07:11.680 --> 01:07:12.320
Oh my word.

965
01:07:12.320 --> 01:07:15.000
I'm still paying off some of that debt actually.

966
01:07:15.640 --> 01:07:19.600
Um, and the Lord is helping me with that, but I racked up so much debt during that

967
01:07:19.600 --> 01:07:24.000
time, it's not responsible, but I'm telling you what I was desperate

968
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:25.720
and I am so very glad I did it.

969
01:07:26.360 --> 01:07:30.400
Um, but that was, you know, that was just kind of my story and what it is

970
01:07:30.400 --> 01:07:34.640
that I did, and it's not anything that I can ever recommend to somebody else to

971
01:07:34.640 --> 01:07:38.040
do, but I just wanted you to know that.

972
01:07:38.520 --> 01:07:41.800
I, I always have a tendency to think, well, people should

973
01:07:41.800 --> 01:07:43.400
probably just stay in their job.

974
01:07:43.400 --> 01:07:45.080
You know, that's what I usually think.

975
01:07:45.560 --> 01:07:50.680
Um, but, uh, I just, that's completely between you and the Lord as to what it

976
01:07:50.680 --> 01:07:55.720
is that you do, um, you know, as like, as far as like what you're talking

977
01:07:55.720 --> 01:07:58.320
about, letting go of, and I don't remember everything that you're

978
01:07:58.320 --> 01:08:02.760
thinking of, like possibly letting go of just trying to give yourself a

979
01:08:02.760 --> 01:08:06.160
bit of physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual relief.

980
01:08:06.840 --> 01:08:08.520
I don't know what that would look like.

981
01:08:08.840 --> 01:08:14.360
I just wanted to tell you my story to know that I have done it and it was

982
01:08:14.360 --> 01:08:20.640
hard and I did it for, and it was hard for a very long time and I did not have

983
01:08:20.640 --> 01:08:21.160
support.

984
01:08:21.960 --> 01:08:26.720
I had my best friend, um, support me in it and, um, they were very, very kind to

985
01:08:26.720 --> 01:08:30.800
me, but I didn't have people that understood, um, people that thought it

986
01:08:30.800 --> 01:08:35.319
was just very irresponsible and everything like that, but, um, and sure

987
01:08:35.319 --> 01:08:37.359
I had to bear the consequences.

988
01:08:37.720 --> 01:08:43.960
I ran out of money so many times, but God also always ended up giving me

989
01:08:43.960 --> 01:08:47.000
food or bringing in more money just when I needed it.

990
01:08:48.080 --> 01:08:51.560
So, um, so, but that was my own journey with the Lord.

991
01:08:51.560 --> 01:08:54.640
So I have done it because I was just that desperate.

992
01:08:54.640 --> 01:08:58.840
I don't know what God has intense your situation to look like.

993
01:08:59.319 --> 01:09:01.720
I just wanted you to hear what mine did.

994
01:09:02.200 --> 01:09:03.960
And yeah, it was, I did it.

995
01:09:04.880 --> 01:09:08.040
And God was with me because he loves me and he's going to provide

996
01:09:08.040 --> 01:09:10.720
from you and protect me, but I'm telling you what there was so much

997
01:09:10.720 --> 01:09:13.800
pain, emotional, mental, spiritual, et cetera.

998
01:09:14.520 --> 01:09:16.560
Personally, I am very glad I did it.

999
01:09:16.560 --> 01:09:17.080
And I did it.

1000
01:09:17.080 --> 01:09:19.920
I'll do it all over again for what I gained all over again.

1001
01:09:19.920 --> 01:09:21.720
For what I gained, I was done.

1002
01:09:21.760 --> 01:09:23.399
It was like this other stuff is for the birds.

1003
01:09:23.399 --> 01:09:23.960
It doesn't work.

1004
01:09:23.960 --> 01:09:26.720
And I don't know why everyone else seems to get it to work.

1005
01:09:27.279 --> 01:09:30.880
And they don't seem to be sacrificing emotionally and psychologically and,

1006
01:09:31.319 --> 01:09:35.680
and spiritually the way that I am to just try to scrape by without

1007
01:09:35.680 --> 01:09:37.040
getting what I want from the Lord.

1008
01:09:37.960 --> 01:09:41.600
It's like, I don't know why this doesn't work, but I'm going to, if

1009
01:09:41.600 --> 01:09:45.680
doing what everyone else does, doesn't work, I'm going to try to do

1010
01:09:45.680 --> 01:09:47.120
something that no one else is doing.

1011
01:09:48.359 --> 01:09:50.600
So anyway, so that for what it's worth,

1012
01:09:52.600 --> 01:09:56.720
I had a similar experience when I left orange County, um, to come up here.

1013
01:09:56.760 --> 01:09:59.720
I mean, I had a savings that would help me through the first year of ministry.

1014
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:03.200
and thinking, oh, this is going to be a year of rest

1015
01:10:03.200 --> 01:10:04.460
and my body's going to be at rest,

1016
01:10:04.460 --> 01:10:06.380
but ministry school was so intense

1017
01:10:06.380 --> 01:10:09.920
and being in a room with a thousand people every single day

1018
01:10:09.920 --> 01:10:12.080
and being a feeler and just all the things.

1019
01:10:13.660 --> 01:10:16.720
And then year two had no money and crawled my way

1020
01:10:16.720 --> 01:10:18.540
through that year, believing for groceries,

1021
01:10:18.540 --> 01:10:20.320
believing for all the things.

1022
01:10:20.320 --> 01:10:23.120
And then in the end, it was an emergency situation

1023
01:10:23.120 --> 01:10:25.400
of like, how am I going to get through the end of the year?

1024
01:10:25.400 --> 01:10:28.320
I had to borrow 10,000 from my parents,

1025
01:10:28.320 --> 01:10:30.120
which I just now paid them back.

1026
01:10:30.120 --> 01:10:34.120
And, but all the while still seeing that,

1027
01:10:34.120 --> 01:10:36.480
like, my body never rested.

1028
01:10:36.480 --> 01:10:40.520
Like I was in this constant state of stress regardless.

1029
01:10:40.520 --> 01:10:45.520
And it's like, sometimes you exchange one portion of stress

1030
01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:47.120
for a different flavor of stress.

1031
01:10:47.120 --> 01:10:47.960
So it's-

1032
01:10:47.960 --> 01:10:49.160
Exactly.

1033
01:10:49.160 --> 01:10:52.520
Or physical stress of travel or whatever it is,

1034
01:10:52.520 --> 01:10:54.920
or, and sometimes it's just a matter of me being like,

1035
01:10:54.920 --> 01:10:57.960
maybe I just need a different job for a season

1036
01:10:58.600 --> 01:10:59.680
that just allows me to stay home

1037
01:10:59.680 --> 01:11:01.960
and have a routine and a schedule

1038
01:11:01.960 --> 01:11:03.960
and not having to pack my bags all the time

1039
01:11:03.960 --> 01:11:06.880
or wake up at 5 a.m. that seems to be extra hard on my body.

1040
01:11:06.880 --> 01:11:08.640
Sometimes it's just those kinds of questions.

1041
01:11:08.640 --> 01:11:09.480
Right.

1042
01:11:09.480 --> 01:11:11.120
Maybe not do anything.

1043
01:11:11.960 --> 01:11:12.800
Yeah.

1044
01:11:12.800 --> 01:11:13.800
But you just, like when,

1045
01:11:13.800 --> 01:11:16.300
I think when you're tormented with physical symptoms

1046
01:11:16.300 --> 01:11:17.800
in your body, you're like,

1047
01:11:17.800 --> 01:11:20.760
I just want some kind of relief.

1048
01:11:20.760 --> 01:11:21.600
Yeah.

1049
01:11:21.600 --> 01:11:25.740
And so thinking through like what lifestyle changes

1050
01:11:25.740 --> 01:11:26.580
need to be made.

1051
01:11:27.420 --> 01:11:28.260
Yeah.

1052
01:11:28.260 --> 01:11:29.080
That's helpful.

1053
01:11:29.080 --> 01:11:33.420
I know that it's not so high stakes in terms of like,

1054
01:11:33.420 --> 01:11:35.100
it's just a job.

1055
01:11:35.100 --> 01:11:36.900
There's other jobs.

1056
01:11:36.900 --> 01:11:40.500
He can bless whatever avenue I decide to choose.

1057
01:11:40.500 --> 01:11:41.980
Like, it's not like you get off track

1058
01:11:41.980 --> 01:11:43.260
because you made one choice that-

1059
01:11:43.260 --> 01:11:44.100
Yeah.

1060
01:11:44.100 --> 01:11:47.180
So high stakes, but yeah.

1061
01:11:48.780 --> 01:11:49.620
Yeah.

1062
01:11:51.300 --> 01:11:53.100
That's super good.

1063
01:11:53.100 --> 01:11:55.700
One last question.

1064
01:11:56.460 --> 01:11:57.760
And I know you can relate.

1065
01:11:59.660 --> 01:12:04.420
Having, being 38 now and being a single woman,

1066
01:12:04.420 --> 01:12:06.140
you're like, oh, since I was a little girl,

1067
01:12:06.140 --> 01:12:08.060
like I just want to get married and have children.

1068
01:12:08.060 --> 01:12:08.900
Like-

1069
01:12:08.900 --> 01:12:09.720
Oh, yeah.

1070
01:12:09.720 --> 01:12:11.220
Yeah.

1071
01:12:11.220 --> 01:12:16.220
Feeling like I know I'm a good person.

1072
01:12:16.260 --> 01:12:17.820
I've overcome so many things.

1073
01:12:17.820 --> 01:12:19.460
Like I'm walking with the Lord.

1074
01:12:19.460 --> 01:12:21.300
Like I'm not walking in sin.

1075
01:12:21.300 --> 01:12:23.320
I'm not, you know, like things are good,

1076
01:12:23.320 --> 01:12:27.280
but I think oftentimes I'll disqualify myself

1077
01:12:27.280 --> 01:12:31.280
or be like, oh, you know, things are too messy

1078
01:12:31.280 --> 01:12:32.920
or you're struggling in your health.

1079
01:12:32.920 --> 01:12:36.680
So the Lord can't bless that area of your life right now,

1080
01:12:36.680 --> 01:12:41.680
or feeling like being 38 and you're like,

1081
01:12:43.560 --> 01:12:45.320
okay, well, we don't really have a lot of time.

1082
01:12:45.320 --> 01:12:47.440
If this healing journey is going to take another two years,

1083
01:12:47.440 --> 01:12:49.940
like, I don't know that we have that kind of time.

1084
01:12:50.660 --> 01:12:53.500
I don't know if you can speak to that a little bit.

1085
01:12:53.500 --> 01:12:54.340
Yes. Yeah.

1086
01:12:54.340 --> 01:12:56.780
And I forgot that you'd asked me about that.

1087
01:12:56.780 --> 01:12:59.860
And I need to jump on until our story as well,

1088
01:13:01.860 --> 01:13:02.700
from Ed and I.

1089
01:13:05.100 --> 01:13:10.100
So I've only been in a relationship for a year.

1090
01:13:11.140 --> 01:13:15.140
We started dating October 30th of last year.

1091
01:13:15.140 --> 01:13:16.620
So it's all new.

1092
01:13:16.620 --> 01:13:18.020
Let's just say it's all new.

1093
01:13:20.740 --> 01:13:25.740
And so what happened to me is I just finally had to,

1094
01:13:29.780 --> 01:13:33.380
I had to choose that God was not holding out on me

1095
01:13:33.380 --> 01:13:35.580
and that I wasn't in lack.

1096
01:13:35.580 --> 01:13:39.340
And that was what I had to come to an agreement

1097
01:13:39.340 --> 01:13:43.540
with God about, is that I wasn't bad.

1098
01:13:43.540 --> 01:13:48.540
There wasn't some reason, you know, of me,

1099
01:13:48.940 --> 01:13:53.940
I don't know, lacking in something that God was withholding.

1100
01:13:54.500 --> 01:13:58.340
So God, that God was withholding this good thing from me.

1101
01:13:58.340 --> 01:14:01.060
So I had to agree that I was not in lack

1102
01:14:01.060 --> 01:14:03.020
and that God wasn't holding out on me.

1103
01:14:04.100 --> 01:14:06.420
I had to believe that he was really good

1104
01:14:06.420 --> 01:14:10.940
and that he was, that the way that my life looked

1105
01:14:10.940 --> 01:14:13.740
and the way that it was continuing to progress

1106
01:14:13.740 --> 01:14:16.720
was him showering his goodness on me.

1107
01:14:17.240 --> 01:14:20.440
Even if I wasn't getting, you know,

1108
01:14:20.440 --> 01:14:22.520
everything it is that I wanted.

1109
01:14:22.520 --> 01:14:27.520
And so as I began to choose him as enough for me,

1110
01:14:29.280 --> 01:14:31.280
not like choose that he just kind of was,

1111
01:14:31.280 --> 01:14:33.960
no, I had to make a choice.

1112
01:14:33.960 --> 01:14:36.040
Am I going to choose this

1113
01:14:37.320 --> 01:14:41.200
and will not be satisfied with anything but this,

1114
01:14:41.200 --> 01:14:45.120
or will I make a determination for him

1115
01:14:45.120 --> 01:14:50.120
that he, make a determination for him to be enough.

1116
01:14:50.400 --> 01:14:52.120
He is my enough.

1117
01:14:53.280 --> 01:14:54.860
And again, that he was good

1118
01:14:54.860 --> 01:14:58.520
and that he wasn't holding out on me and to be,

1119
01:14:58.520 --> 01:15:00.120
I don't want to say expectant.

1120
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:02.800
like I was like looking around every corner or something,

1121
01:15:02.800 --> 01:15:07.800
but that I was, I don't know,

1122
01:15:09.120 --> 01:15:13.040
am I actually kind of, it's not that I gave up on it,

1123
01:15:13.040 --> 01:15:14.960
but I stopped thinking about it

1124
01:15:16.160 --> 01:15:18.840
because he became so good to me

1125
01:15:18.840 --> 01:15:22.400
that it filled up that need that I had.

1126
01:15:23.280 --> 01:15:26.360
And we can't enjoy something that we need.

1127
01:15:27.440 --> 01:15:29.680
So I had to stop needing it.

1128
01:15:29.760 --> 01:15:33.280
And I had to be filled in by God in those areas

1129
01:15:33.280 --> 01:15:35.360
because I chose to,

1130
01:15:35.360 --> 01:15:38.360
not because I was just kind of waiting for it to happen.

1131
01:15:38.360 --> 01:15:39.200
I actually had,

1132
01:15:39.200 --> 01:15:42.520
because when I waited for it to happen, it just didn't.

1133
01:15:42.520 --> 01:15:44.840
And I became more and more resentful

1134
01:15:44.840 --> 01:15:49.840
and I wanted to get married so badly, it's not even funny.

1135
01:15:50.560 --> 01:15:53.280
I mean, like ever since I was a little girl,

1136
01:15:53.280 --> 01:15:55.480
I think I made it some kind of like a vow

1137
01:15:55.480 --> 01:15:59.480
or like some kind of an internal commitment

1138
01:15:59.480 --> 01:16:01.680
when I was six years old.

1139
01:16:01.680 --> 01:16:03.000
I don't think I was younger than that.

1140
01:16:03.000 --> 01:16:03.840
I think it was six.

1141
01:16:03.840 --> 01:16:08.080
And I remember the moment that I was like,

1142
01:16:08.080 --> 01:16:09.760
realized, wait a minute,

1143
01:16:09.760 --> 01:16:13.880
because I was wrapping my baby doll in a blanket

1144
01:16:13.880 --> 01:16:15.840
and then putting her in the cradle.

1145
01:16:15.840 --> 01:16:20.120
And all of a sudden it dawned on me that, wait a minute,

1146
01:16:20.120 --> 01:16:23.200
I'm a girl and that means I'm gonna grow up to be a woman.

1147
01:16:23.200 --> 01:16:25.000
That means I'm gonna be a mommy.

1148
01:16:25.000 --> 01:16:28.040
And one day it's not a play baby doll,

1149
01:16:28.040 --> 01:16:29.840
I'm gonna have a real baby.

1150
01:16:29.840 --> 01:16:30.760
And all of a sudden it's like,

1151
01:16:30.760 --> 01:16:33.160
I could see my life before my eyes and be like,

1152
01:16:33.160 --> 01:16:35.680
oh, this is the expectation, this is the path.

1153
01:16:35.680 --> 01:16:37.880
This is how it happens.

1154
01:16:37.880 --> 01:16:39.600
Because basically I was just trying to figure out,

1155
01:16:39.600 --> 01:16:40.520
well, what is life?

1156
01:16:40.520 --> 01:16:43.240
And it's like, well, this is what all of the other moms,

1157
01:16:43.240 --> 01:16:45.760
all of the other women that I know, that's what they do.

1158
01:16:45.760 --> 01:16:48.120
So apparently that's me too, and I'm just little.

1159
01:16:48.120 --> 01:16:49.720
So I'll grow up and that's what,

1160
01:16:49.720 --> 01:16:51.680
so that was my expectation.

1161
01:16:51.680 --> 01:16:52.520
So because of that,

1162
01:16:52.520 --> 01:16:54.960
and I also thought that that was the only thing

1163
01:16:54.960 --> 01:16:56.520
that was good.

1164
01:16:56.560 --> 01:17:00.160
That that's what would mean that God approved of you

1165
01:17:00.160 --> 01:17:04.760
is if you got married, then you were doing the right thing.

1166
01:17:04.760 --> 01:17:06.160
If you got married, you had kids,

1167
01:17:06.160 --> 01:17:10.000
well, then you were the right kind of Christian woman,

1168
01:17:10.000 --> 01:17:12.960
not only to everybody else, but to God.

1169
01:17:12.960 --> 01:17:16.240
Not only did you fit in with everybody else,

1170
01:17:16.240 --> 01:17:19.960
but and could live life, relatable like everybody else,

1171
01:17:19.960 --> 01:17:23.080
but also God would say that you were good enough.

1172
01:17:23.080 --> 01:17:25.800
And so that was when I was six years old.

1173
01:17:26.120 --> 01:17:27.360
And so my sister talked about this,

1174
01:17:27.360 --> 01:17:30.560
maybe sometime when I was in my twenties or in my thirties,

1175
01:17:30.560 --> 01:17:32.440
and I was still struggling so much

1176
01:17:32.440 --> 01:17:36.360
with not being married and like not by not being married,

1177
01:17:36.360 --> 01:17:37.320
I'd never dated.

1178
01:17:37.320 --> 01:17:39.520
I never dated before last year,

1179
01:17:40.600 --> 01:17:42.320
before October 30th of last year.

1180
01:17:43.600 --> 01:17:47.800
And so I was watching my siblings all,

1181
01:17:47.800 --> 01:17:52.360
not just, you know, date and get engaged and get married.

1182
01:17:52.360 --> 01:17:54.000
And they're all younger than me and everything.

1183
01:17:54.000 --> 01:17:56.800
And I'm like, God, why do I want this so badly?

1184
01:17:56.800 --> 01:17:59.200
And it just lands in everybody else's lap.

1185
01:17:59.200 --> 01:18:01.680
And my sister talked about the fact,

1186
01:18:01.680 --> 01:18:03.960
again, like sometime when I was in my thirties, I guess,

1187
01:18:03.960 --> 01:18:06.160
she said, Ashley, I'm so sorry.

1188
01:18:06.160 --> 01:18:09.880
I don't understand why you don't have someone yet.

1189
01:18:09.880 --> 01:18:14.040
She said, because she said, I just, I wasn't looking for it.

1190
01:18:14.040 --> 01:18:15.680
It just happened.

1191
01:18:15.680 --> 01:18:17.560
And in my mind, I'm going, I know.

1192
01:18:17.560 --> 01:18:18.560
Why is that?

1193
01:18:18.560 --> 01:18:20.000
Why does no one else look for it?

1194
01:18:20.000 --> 01:18:21.120
And then it just happened.

1195
01:18:21.120 --> 01:18:23.720
But, and me, I'm like preparing for it.

1196
01:18:24.400 --> 01:18:25.240
And that's what she said.

1197
01:18:25.240 --> 01:18:26.200
Ashley, you always prepared for it.

1198
01:18:26.200 --> 01:18:28.520
She said, growing up, we were playing

1199
01:18:28.520 --> 01:18:32.120
and you were studying how to be a mom

1200
01:18:32.120 --> 01:18:34.040
and studying how to cook

1201
01:18:34.040 --> 01:18:36.800
and studying how to be a good wife.

1202
01:18:36.800 --> 01:18:38.560
You were reading books.

1203
01:18:38.560 --> 01:18:40.000
You were practicing.

1204
01:18:40.000 --> 01:18:42.280
You were gaining all of the skills.

1205
01:18:42.280 --> 01:18:44.400
You were doing all of this stuff.

1206
01:18:44.400 --> 01:18:47.040
You were preparing for it.

1207
01:18:47.040 --> 01:18:49.600
And she said, I was, I just landed in it.

1208
01:18:49.600 --> 01:18:51.640
I wasn't even looking to fall in love

1209
01:18:51.640 --> 01:18:53.040
and get married and whatever.

1210
01:18:53.040 --> 01:18:54.960
And she said, and you haven't even gotten to date.

1211
01:18:54.960 --> 01:18:56.720
She said, I don't understand.

1212
01:18:56.720 --> 01:18:58.120
I said, well, I don't either.

1213
01:18:58.120 --> 01:19:02.880
So the, my, my, my point is I wanted it that bad.

1214
01:19:02.880 --> 01:19:06.720
It was literally my entire obsession was

1215
01:19:06.720 --> 01:19:08.680
get close to the Lord, be obedient

1216
01:19:08.680 --> 01:19:11.000
and get married and have kids.

1217
01:19:11.000 --> 01:19:14.240
And, and so I finally, and I had built up

1218
01:19:14.240 --> 01:19:16.480
so much resentment against the Lord

1219
01:19:16.480 --> 01:19:18.680
because Lord, why would you deny me?

1220
01:19:18.680 --> 01:19:19.920
Why aren't you that good?

1221
01:19:19.920 --> 01:19:22.600
Why am I, why do you call me that bad?

1222
01:19:23.160 --> 01:19:24.920
It was all of these lies that I was declaring

1223
01:19:24.920 --> 01:19:26.680
about the Lord.

1224
01:19:26.680 --> 01:19:30.360
And so anyway, I finally had to just,

1225
01:19:30.360 --> 01:19:32.480
I finally just had to give it all up

1226
01:19:32.480 --> 01:19:34.680
and because I was calling him a liar

1227
01:19:35.640 --> 01:19:38.360
and I was making him a liar to myself.

1228
01:19:38.360 --> 01:19:41.480
And so I just had to, I had to choose him

1229
01:19:41.480 --> 01:19:43.560
over all of those other things.

1230
01:19:43.560 --> 01:19:45.560
And it's not that, oh God, I'm choosing you

1231
01:19:45.560 --> 01:19:48.120
so that I won't ever have anyone.

1232
01:19:48.120 --> 01:19:50.080
It was just, God, I'm going to choose that.

1233
01:19:50.080 --> 01:19:51.320
If you say you're that good,

1234
01:19:51.320 --> 01:19:52.800
then you really are that good.

1235
01:19:54.640 --> 01:19:55.480
Oh, darn.

1236
01:19:57.800 --> 01:19:58.640
I hate to do this.

1237
01:19:58.640 --> 01:19:59.880
Do you have just a second?

1238
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:01.080
Maybe just a moment.

1239
01:20:01.080 --> 01:20:02.040
Yeah, yeah.

1240
01:20:02.040 --> 01:20:03.440
I'm really sorry, just one moment.

1241
01:20:03.440 --> 01:20:04.640
You're good, you're good.

1242
01:21:30.000 --> 01:21:30.640
Yeah.

1243
01:22:00.000 --> 01:22:01.000
Yeah.

1244
01:22:01.000 --> 01:22:02.000
Yeah.

1245
01:22:02.000 --> 01:22:03.000
Yeah.

1246
01:22:03.000 --> 01:22:03.000


1247
01:22:30.000 --> 01:22:40.640
Is anybody here?

1248
01:22:40.640 --> 01:22:45.360
Okay.

1249
01:23:15.360 --> 01:23:23.040
I'm so sorry.

1250
01:23:23.040 --> 01:23:31.600
One thing after another today, but anyway, that's what I, what I did, I'm trying to think

1251
01:23:31.600 --> 01:23:35.600
of how else to describe it though, because there were some other things, even before

1252
01:23:35.600 --> 01:23:45.200
I got to that point that I began to shift in, but ultimately it came to stopping meeting

1253
01:23:45.280 --> 01:23:51.600
it because I chose to receive the fulfillment of that need from the Lord.

1254
01:23:52.720 --> 01:24:00.560
Not that I knew, how would you put that?

1255
01:24:00.560 --> 01:24:05.280
Not that I knew like how to get that need from the Lord, because it's like, okay, well,

1256
01:24:05.280 --> 01:24:06.560
God supplies all of our need.

1257
01:24:06.560 --> 01:24:10.240
We're like, okay, well then if that's true, Lord, then why do I feel this way?

1258
01:24:11.200 --> 01:24:16.480
Because well, surely if you provide that for me, then I would have the need fulfilled

1259
01:24:16.480 --> 01:24:18.080
and therefore I wouldn't feel this way.

1260
01:24:18.640 --> 01:24:21.760
So you're telling me that you provide it, but I don't know how to access it.

1261
01:24:22.560 --> 01:24:33.920
And what I mean is that I just kind of chose, I chose that he, that, that, that my need

1262
01:24:34.000 --> 01:24:40.000
was going to be, chose to get my need fulfilled by him.

1263
01:24:40.880 --> 01:24:45.200
If I think of another way to word that I will, because I used to be able to articulate this

1264
01:24:45.200 --> 01:24:46.160
whole thing really well.

1265
01:24:46.960 --> 01:24:54.560
In fact, some people send people who are struggling with, with being single to me.

1266
01:24:54.560 --> 01:24:59.840
And in fact, I've done a, I even been did a, like a.

1267
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:10.560
Kind of like a pod, not a podcast, but kind of like a podcast interview one time when I was single to a bunch of, to a group that was specifically around single ladies who wanted to get married.

1268
01:25:11.440 --> 01:25:18.000
But my goodness, that was like two years ago. So it's been a while since I've articulated all of it.

1269
01:25:18.560 --> 01:25:26.480
And my journey, I just, because it's been so, it's not that it's been so long since I wanted it so bad.

1270
01:25:27.520 --> 01:25:39.200
It's just that when I've changed so much, the, I don't access that pain as easily

1271
01:25:40.480 --> 01:25:45.600
to remember what that was like. And this is before I even started dating my husband,

1272
01:25:45.600 --> 01:25:51.360
you know, way back when this was like, Oh, I don't remember how long ago it was.

1273
01:25:51.920 --> 01:25:55.680
It's been over three, four years. Cause it was even over.

1274
01:25:57.440 --> 01:26:03.200
It was even earlier than I began to shift. God began to work on my healing and shift

1275
01:26:03.200 --> 01:26:08.560
me into rest and all that. It was even before then that I began to make some radical shifts,

1276
01:26:09.280 --> 01:26:15.600
but I'm sorry that I don't feel that I'm articulating all of this very well and can

1277
01:26:15.600 --> 01:26:20.880
give you a very good answer, but I used to be able to articulate it in such a way that I kind

1278
01:26:20.880 --> 01:26:26.560
of like walk other people through it because it was so transformative to me. So for me, I would,

1279
01:26:27.120 --> 01:26:34.880
I, I, again, I wanted it so badly that it hurt so much to go to not go just go to,

1280
01:26:35.600 --> 01:26:43.360
but to host all the baby showers, all the engagement parties, the, the bridal showers,

1281
01:26:43.360 --> 01:26:49.280
the weddings. I've been, I was a wedding coordinator in the very first wedding I was ever

1282
01:26:49.280 --> 01:26:55.920
in. And it was the maid of honor. And that all happened the day before I graduated from college

1283
01:26:56.640 --> 01:27:01.840
and moved to another city. So I got burned out of weddings that, that summer,

1284
01:27:01.840 --> 01:27:06.400
cause I was like in three and having to take the responsibility of them and talk about that high

1285
01:27:06.400 --> 01:27:15.600
responsibility that you, Lindsey and Carrie were talking about yesterday. So but anyway, I, I

1286
01:27:15.600 --> 01:27:26.640
wanted it so badly and I, I, I wanted it so badly that I purposefully would force myself to give to

1287
01:27:26.640 --> 01:27:35.120
other people what it is that I wanted for me. And I got, and I got, and I burn out in it because I

1288
01:27:35.120 --> 01:27:46.800
was trying so hard to love on other people and be excited for them when I was in so much resentment

1289
01:27:46.800 --> 01:27:51.760
between me and the Lord in that one topic. And it, of course, it just brought more resentment

1290
01:27:52.000 --> 01:28:00.480
because I did a lot, like I did a lot, a lot for other people. And it was very unhealthy,

1291
01:28:00.480 --> 01:28:08.480
but I did a lot for other people and that just, just trying so hard to be open and flexible and

1292
01:28:08.480 --> 01:28:14.480
willing and just ready, but not being resentful against the Lord. And I was just, I was just

1293
01:28:14.480 --> 01:28:21.920
building up resentment. So anyway, yeah, that's good. But yeah, I mean, if you have any particular

1294
01:28:21.920 --> 01:28:26.240
direction about more, like maybe some of the thoughts that, I mean, that might be enough for

1295
01:28:26.240 --> 01:28:33.600
you, but if you have any other direction of like some of the other thoughts that you have of what

1296
01:28:33.600 --> 01:28:38.080
you're struggling with specifically, I mean, it might trigger some of the things in my mind of

1297
01:28:38.080 --> 01:28:43.440
like, oh, that's right. That's how I used to approach that. That's how I changed in a particular

1298
01:28:43.440 --> 01:28:48.960
area, but just off the top of my head, what I mentioned is what I have, but I used to be a lot

1299
01:28:48.960 --> 01:28:56.800
better at articulating it and in a way that actually helped people. So, and, but I don't feel

1300
01:28:56.800 --> 01:29:02.000
like I'm doing a very good job right now because I'm like, oh my word, that was, that was so long

1301
01:29:02.000 --> 01:29:06.880
ago that I had to make such a major shift or it feels like it was like at least four years ago

1302
01:29:07.600 --> 01:29:10.080
that I don't remember how I used to word it to other people.

1303
01:29:11.520 --> 01:29:19.120
So it all falls somewhat in the category of just like accusation towards the Lord in areas of like,

1304
01:29:20.080 --> 01:29:27.040
you know, why, you know, I've given up so much to walk this Christian life and to walk in purity

1305
01:29:27.040 --> 01:29:34.160
and to transform my whole life and then to be where I'm at and to be struggling in my health

1306
01:29:34.160 --> 01:29:38.800
and to be single and all the things that I just desire are not, you know, and there,

1307
01:29:38.800 --> 01:29:43.360
there is a measure of accusation in it, like not, and I've overcome a lot of it,

1308
01:29:43.360 --> 01:29:48.480
but I think there's still some there of like frustration of, I don't get it.

1309
01:29:49.440 --> 01:29:51.360
Yeah. This isn't the great exchange.

1310
01:29:52.080 --> 01:29:59.680
Yes. Yeah. So one of the big things that I would tell you is to, you know,

1311
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.320
What we were talking about earlier in choosing to enjoy yourself and to delight

1312
01:30:04.320 --> 01:30:08.600
in you and come into agreement with the Lord, at least to that degree would be

1313
01:30:08.600 --> 01:30:13.320
to not believe that you were in lack.

1314
01:30:14.000 --> 01:30:16.960
In other words, believe that you were in abundance.

1315
01:30:17.440 --> 01:30:21.160
I don't mean that, you know, how on earth to be able to tell

1316
01:30:21.160 --> 01:30:22.320
that you're in abundance.

1317
01:30:22.720 --> 01:30:23.360
I don't mean that.

1318
01:30:23.360 --> 01:30:26.280
I don't mean, oh, we'll look at this and you just realize, and you just

1319
01:30:26.280 --> 01:30:27.720
tell yourself that that's enough.

1320
01:30:28.480 --> 01:30:29.880
You know, I don't mean that.

1321
01:30:30.000 --> 01:30:32.760
I mean, God's saying you are in abundance.

1322
01:30:32.760 --> 01:30:37.640
So you're like, okay, well then if I really am in abundance, how would I live?

1323
01:30:38.560 --> 01:30:39.880
How would I approach myself?

1324
01:30:39.880 --> 01:30:41.480
How would I approach the situation?

1325
01:30:41.920 --> 01:30:46.840
Then you're in, then approach it as you're always in abundance and that

1326
01:30:46.840 --> 01:30:51.520
you're never in lack of anything of any emotional need of any, whatever that you

1327
01:30:51.520 --> 01:30:55.000
have it, and then you're going to the father, like, okay, Lord, well,

1328
01:30:55.000 --> 01:30:56.480
then how do I step into that?

1329
01:30:56.760 --> 01:30:58.680
How do I step into an access?

1330
01:30:58.680 --> 01:31:00.040
What it is that I already have.

1331
01:31:00.040 --> 01:31:03.320
And by access, I don't mean, you know, okay, well then, you

1332
01:31:03.320 --> 01:31:05.240
know, how do I manifest the man?

1333
01:31:05.520 --> 01:31:09.040
I just mean, you know, how do I, how do I live?

1334
01:31:09.040 --> 01:31:10.520
How do I access the abundance?

1335
01:31:10.520 --> 01:31:12.720
In other words, how do I live?

1336
01:31:14.720 --> 01:31:20.520
In the fact that I am in abundance, um, because I'm so used to

1337
01:31:20.520 --> 01:31:22.960
being prompted Lord by evidence.

1338
01:31:23.240 --> 01:31:25.600
If I have this thing, then I know what to do with it.

1339
01:31:26.320 --> 01:31:30.000
But if I don't have the thing, what do I do?

1340
01:31:30.000 --> 01:31:30.920
How do I live?

1341
01:31:30.920 --> 01:31:32.120
How do I move forward?

1342
01:31:32.560 --> 01:31:40.880
Um, and that will be a really, really, um, really big shift and it honestly

1343
01:31:40.880 --> 01:31:45.360
won't take very long to shift.

1344
01:31:45.480 --> 01:31:55.360
Um, when you, to begin to for, for things in yourself and even in your life,

1345
01:31:55.840 --> 01:31:58.720
your, your approach to life, in other words, your internal world, your

1346
01:31:58.720 --> 01:32:01.760
internal life for things to shift.

1347
01:32:02.600 --> 01:32:07.640
When you cut, when you begin to choose that you're in abundance and not in lack,

1348
01:32:08.320 --> 01:32:14.880
it really is wild how fast things change then, um, because you're coming more

1349
01:32:14.880 --> 01:32:19.560
into an agreement with an acknowledged that you are a son of God, who's in him,

1350
01:32:19.560 --> 01:32:24.760
who's in the kingdom and therefore have access to all of this and your, and your

1351
01:32:24.760 --> 01:32:30.240
life will be able, will begin to reflect it because you're saying that that's true.

1352
01:32:30.840 --> 01:32:35.920
And so creation and the spiritual world begins to respond to that because you're

1353
01:32:35.920 --> 01:32:38.280
saying, this is what has permission in my kingdom.

1354
01:32:38.280 --> 01:32:43.400
This is how my kingdom works because I give it the authority to work like this.

1355
01:32:43.680 --> 01:32:47.760
I could have chosen this covenant with God or this one, and I choose this one.

1356
01:32:47.760 --> 01:32:51.680
So therefore how this covenant works is how my life operates.

1357
01:32:52.040 --> 01:32:55.240
So all of creation, including the spiritual realm, angels, everything

1358
01:32:55.240 --> 01:33:00.960
else began to adjust to what it is that you've declared it because they all

1359
01:33:00.960 --> 01:33:05.480
serve you, what you've declared that your kingdom operates according to.

1360
01:33:06.000 --> 01:33:08.440
And so things began to shift and change.

1361
01:33:08.440 --> 01:33:11.160
Things become enough for you situations.

1362
01:33:11.440 --> 01:33:15.600
You become more content opportunities, start presenting themselves.

1363
01:33:16.040 --> 01:33:19.640
Um, and then you begin to have more clarity about how to take advantage of

1364
01:33:19.640 --> 01:33:21.720
opportunities and how to step into them.

1365
01:33:22.080 --> 01:33:28.200
Things began to move finally, because you're choosing that you're in abundance

1366
01:33:28.240 --> 01:33:32.720
and not in lack that God is not God's giving you everything you're already in

1367
01:33:32.720 --> 01:33:38.120
everything you and God are man are working together to manifest it, but you

1368
01:33:38.120 --> 01:33:41.240
already have it and that you're not in lack.

1369
01:33:42.000 --> 01:33:48.800
Um, so to, so to just agree with that and to approach that all day, every approach

1370
01:33:48.880 --> 01:33:52.560
life from that perspective and the Lord from that perspective really will

1371
01:33:52.560 --> 01:33:54.360
start shifting things very quickly.

1372
01:33:55.680 --> 01:33:59.840
So in a lot of different areas, and then you will find yourself like giving up

1373
01:34:00.000 --> 01:34:03.720
things like, like having to have the man right now and having to have

1374
01:34:03.720 --> 01:34:05.120
the relationship and whatever.

1375
01:34:06.000 --> 01:34:10.240
And by giving it up, and I don't mean give it up as like you stop wanting it.

1376
01:34:10.240 --> 01:34:13.840
I mean that you, that you, you give it up as in, you stop holding it

1377
01:34:13.840 --> 01:34:15.480
in accusation against the Lord.

1378
01:34:15.840 --> 01:34:18.920
And when you stop doing that, cause that's death, by the way, grabbing a

1379
01:34:18.920 --> 01:34:23.360
hold of something and stopping it is like a lack of movement and holding

1380
01:34:23.360 --> 01:34:24.600
it in accusation against the Lord.

1381
01:34:24.600 --> 01:34:27.080
It's just, it's, it's, it's dead.

1382
01:34:27.080 --> 01:34:29.840
And there's no, there's no a bill.

1383
01:34:29.880 --> 01:34:35.560
There's a, we're not giving spirit permission to move through the

1384
01:34:35.560 --> 01:34:38.480
thing and cause it to happen, et cetera.

1385
01:34:38.520 --> 01:34:44.440
It can't because we've, we've, we're stopping it and we've killed it, holding

1386
01:34:44.440 --> 01:34:46.240
it up in accusation against the Lord.

1387
01:34:46.240 --> 01:34:50.200
So in order for things to have the opportunity to start moving again, and

1388
01:34:50.200 --> 01:34:55.680
for the Lord to start moving things, we have to let it go so that now spirit

1389
01:34:55.680 --> 01:34:59.040
has freedom and space to move.

1390
01:34:59.040 --> 01:34:59.880
So when I.

1391
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.240
say giving it up, that you're going to be content and then you're going to give it up.

1392
01:35:04.240 --> 01:35:10.720
It's not giving it up as in giving up hope. It just means that you're, you're, you're stopping,

1393
01:35:10.720 --> 01:35:14.960
holding onto it and bringing it death and killing it and stop holding an accusation against the

1394
01:35:14.960 --> 01:35:20.640
Lord. And there's now room for the spirit to start doing things, to bring opportunities for you to

1395
01:35:20.640 --> 01:35:25.680
start changing how you feel is in like, I don't know, there might be certain people that you're

1396
01:35:25.680 --> 01:35:30.640
around now that you've never felt certain things before. And then now you're more open because

1397
01:35:30.640 --> 01:35:35.760
you're not stagnant. It doesn't have to meet a certain criteria. It's just like, okay, let's

1398
01:35:35.760 --> 01:35:43.280
just let life move instead of making life required to result in something specific.

1399
01:35:44.000 --> 01:35:49.440
Just like just allow there to be movement, allow there to be some freedom. And then,

1400
01:35:49.440 --> 01:35:55.040
because creation is actually responding to our, and the spiritual realm is responding to our

1401
01:35:55.040 --> 01:36:01.840
position. And if we're stiff and if we're an accusation against the Lord, because we're in,

1402
01:36:01.840 --> 01:36:08.080
have a, have a poverty mentality or an idea of like we're in lack, then nothing can move and

1403
01:36:08.080 --> 01:36:12.080
opportunities can't come, you know, et cetera. So when I will like walk people through things like,

1404
01:36:12.640 --> 01:36:17.280
you know, meeting, like they're wanting a new house or something, you know, and they're wanting

1405
01:36:17.280 --> 01:36:20.640
to move to a different, another location. One of the things that I told them, I said,

1406
01:36:20.640 --> 01:36:23.520
they're like, nothing's happening, you know, and we can't find anything.

1407
01:36:23.520 --> 01:36:27.200
And we've been looking for a year, year and a half or whatever. I said, okay, I know this is

1408
01:36:27.200 --> 01:36:32.720
going to sound weird, but I said, you need to open up your open up the kids are like, there's,

1409
01:36:32.720 --> 01:36:40.320
there's nothing. Why is there such scarcity? And I said, you've got to open yourself up to like

1410
01:36:40.320 --> 01:36:46.080
looking at possibilities that were not options to you. Like, I understand that you have a lot

1411
01:36:46.080 --> 01:36:50.240
of children. There's a lot of people in your house. And I understand that you don't want to

1412
01:36:50.240 --> 01:36:55.280
move into an apartment. I understand that. I understand that you don't want to move into town,

1413
01:36:55.280 --> 01:37:00.160
understand all of those things. But if you've already decided those as criteria of like,

1414
01:37:00.160 --> 01:37:07.120
that's a no, I said, you've, you've stopped things. I said, so life can't flow anymore.

1415
01:37:07.120 --> 01:37:12.560
Opportunities can't come to you things in the, in the, in the spirit and in the creation can't move.

1416
01:37:13.600 --> 01:37:19.280
So given breathing room, I said, so you start opening yourself to all kinds of possibilities.

1417
01:37:19.360 --> 01:37:25.520
I said, so it's not that God's going to have you do them. Sure. He may, but so you'd be open to that,

1418
01:37:25.520 --> 01:37:31.760
but you stop, stop killing it and bringing it death, allow things to move again. And sure enough,

1419
01:37:32.320 --> 01:37:39.200
they started doing it. And within, Oh, I don't remember how quick it was, but they something

1420
01:37:39.200 --> 01:37:44.000
became available. That was exactly perfect and exactly what they wanted. And they were able to

1421
01:37:44.000 --> 01:37:47.840
afford it and all of that. And it was in the location that they wanted and they'd never had

1422
01:37:47.840 --> 01:37:52.560
to move to the city. And there was enough room for them and all of their kids and et cetera,

1423
01:37:52.560 --> 01:37:59.600
et cetera. So, um, but they had to, they had to stop. They had to stop stifling things and

1424
01:37:59.600 --> 01:38:05.680
requiring specific results and specific outcomes of the Lord. They just had to be open because the,

1425
01:38:05.680 --> 01:38:11.680
because creation spirit realm needs room to move opportunities needed to, uh, but they were,

1426
01:38:11.680 --> 01:38:14.800
they were just stuck and there were just, they weren't allowing things to move.

1427
01:38:15.680 --> 01:38:18.000
And they were just like, why aren't opportunities coming? It's like,

1428
01:38:18.000 --> 01:38:27.840
because you're not allowing any space. So anyway, yeah, that's so good for me before we hang up.

1429
01:38:28.400 --> 01:38:35.920
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Dear Lord pray that you, um, for, uh, Kate and, um, for everything it is

1430
01:38:35.920 --> 01:38:40.240
that you're doing in her heart, everything Lord that is, is shifting within her. Thank you for

1431
01:38:40.240 --> 01:38:44.640
everything that you've done in her soul that you've done in her body. I believe Lord that you

1432
01:38:44.640 --> 01:38:50.000
have brought and are bringing more healing pray that every, anything in her Lord, in her body,

1433
01:38:50.000 --> 01:38:57.840
in her soul, that is, that's, that's, um, stagnant that's locked down, um, in self-defense Lord that,

1434
01:38:57.840 --> 01:39:03.840
um, that you would, that you would very gently love on it. And, um, so that it would just,

1435
01:39:03.840 --> 01:39:09.360
it would start to break open. Things would start to move again. Um, and pray that you would give

1436
01:39:09.360 --> 01:39:17.040
her tremendous peace and comfort, um, uh, reveal to her Lord, um, how much it is that you love her,

1437
01:39:17.040 --> 01:39:24.320
give her the courage to be able to step out in, um, in faith and agreement with you that to love

1438
01:39:24.320 --> 01:39:28.880
herself unconditionally to love and accept her body unconditionally so that it feels safe with

1439
01:39:28.880 --> 01:39:34.400
her to finally heal, um, that, uh, and that she would do the same thing Lord with their soul,

1440
01:39:34.400 --> 01:39:41.680
pray that you would strengthen her spirit to give it, to give it, um, courage and, um, and wisdom

1441
01:39:41.680 --> 01:39:49.200
as to how to, um, how to, you know, comfort and reach out to the soul and the body Lord and pray

1442
01:39:49.200 --> 01:39:54.720
that you would reveal to her all of the beautiful, wonderful things and desires that you've put in

1443
01:39:54.720 --> 01:39:59.840
her and that she would, that she would know exactly what it is that she should do.

1444
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:05.840
to step out on those things, to change maybe what she's doing in her life,

1445
01:40:07.360 --> 01:40:13.360
reveal to her if there's a particular opportunity that you wanted to take advantage of or something

1446
01:40:13.360 --> 01:40:19.120
to leave and something to go to, help her Lord with her decisions, pray that she would just

1447
01:40:19.120 --> 01:40:27.040
relax on trying to make the right decision and then just choose rather that she has freedom

1448
01:40:27.040 --> 01:40:34.720
to desire and freedom to dream and freedom to hear from you Lord, freedom to receive very clear

1449
01:40:34.720 --> 01:40:41.120
words from you instead of just hoping or wishing that they were possible Lord, pray that you

1450
01:40:41.120 --> 01:40:47.840
greatly bless her and help her more than anyone else Lord in the rest intensive to enjoy herself

1451
01:40:47.840 --> 01:40:55.680
in Jesus's name, Amen. Amen, thank you. You're welcome, well I think we took a bit longer than

1452
01:40:55.680 --> 01:41:02.080
normal, I hope that you're good on your time. Yes, yes, so encouraging, you feel something

1453
01:41:02.080 --> 01:41:08.160
break and unlock each session, so it's really good, I'm so glad, yeah it's always good to spend time

1454
01:41:08.160 --> 01:41:14.400
with you. Yes, thank you, so what does it look like, so next week is our last week and so you're

1455
01:41:14.400 --> 01:41:20.080
probably not doing the rest intensive for a while again, is that like you keep the group open, we

1456
01:41:20.080 --> 01:41:24.800
remain in the Facebook group, like what does that look like? I'm sorry, I didn't understand the last

1457
01:41:24.800 --> 01:41:29.600
thing you said, what'd you say? So you leave the Facebook group open, like we stay in the Facebook

1458
01:41:29.600 --> 01:41:35.200
group or do we get removed in the Facebook group or like what happens after the week is done?

1459
01:41:35.200 --> 01:41:41.440
Yeah, so it's the face, yeah so y'all will no longer be in the Facebook group but you will

1460
01:41:41.440 --> 01:41:46.880
still have always access to that other page, the rest intensive page, that's why all of that stuff

1461
01:41:46.880 --> 01:41:52.880
is there, y'all have lifetime access to all of those recordings including the fireside chats,

1462
01:41:52.880 --> 01:41:58.480
our you know our transformation sessions, I think I'm even adding some other additional teachings

1463
01:41:58.480 --> 01:42:02.320
that I had done in the Facebook group that y'all had watched, putting those in there to make sure

1464
01:42:02.320 --> 01:42:06.880
y'all have access to those things like the practical shifting tools or how to believe

1465
01:42:06.880 --> 01:42:12.960
or empower yourself to choose, things like that, I'm adding, I'm working on adding those right now

1466
01:42:12.960 --> 01:42:18.000
and yeah, so and then of course y'all are going to have some personal ministry time with Ed

1467
01:42:18.800 --> 01:42:24.640
next week, he's going to be working on that schedule to make sure that y'all can all have

1468
01:42:24.640 --> 01:42:31.920
access to that. So I have the personal ministry time, was that part of my thing? I'm trying to

1469
01:42:31.920 --> 01:42:37.520
remember, were you before October 1st? No, I just signed up like the hour before. Oh my word,

1470
01:42:37.520 --> 01:42:44.800
that's amazing, I forgot you were that person, I was trying to remember who was that,

1471
01:42:44.800 --> 01:42:50.480
okay yeah, that was for people who were prior to October the 1st, so that was something

1472
01:42:50.480 --> 01:42:55.920
specially wanted to offer for anyone who wanted to sign up for the early access, I think that

1473
01:42:55.920 --> 01:43:00.800
I didn't even have, I don't remember how early it was, but anyway so yeah, I forgot about that.

1474
01:43:05.040 --> 01:43:10.480
The only other option would be to schedule one-on-ones, is that what, like you don't,

1475
01:43:10.480 --> 01:43:17.360
do you know what you're going to be doing after this or? What I am looking to do is to do,

1476
01:43:17.360 --> 01:43:21.600
and I'm not sure that I'm going to do this, so that this is like you're one of the first people

1477
01:43:21.600 --> 01:43:26.720
to hear this, I haven't even told Ed yet because it's that new, that I'm thinking about doing this,

1478
01:43:26.720 --> 01:43:31.760
but what I've been brainstorming is I want to do a bigger rest intensive like I'm doing this one,

1479
01:43:31.760 --> 01:43:36.960
do that in January, and the reason is that I'm up for doing it during the holidays, but

1480
01:43:37.520 --> 01:43:40.640
other people, people just don't commit to anything on the holidays, you know, so,

1481
01:43:41.280 --> 01:43:47.760
but what I was looking at doing is to do some kind of a, I don't know if it's going to be a

1482
01:43:47.760 --> 01:43:53.920
one-hour thing or if it's going to be a weekend thing, maybe not a weekend, I don't know, do some

1483
01:43:53.920 --> 01:44:00.400
kind of a thing in maybe the first part, maybe the first weekend of December or something like that,

1484
01:44:00.400 --> 01:44:05.440
where I introduce people to, I do like a free teaching or whatever on rest and then invite

1485
01:44:05.440 --> 01:44:11.280
people to sign up for like the bigger rest intensive, which is what we just went through,

1486
01:44:12.400 --> 01:44:19.200
and I'm looking to structure the new rest intensive maybe even a bit different and do a

1487
01:44:19.200 --> 01:44:28.560
bit more teaching heavy on the front end and then just more application mentorship on the back end

1488
01:44:28.560 --> 01:44:33.520
because one of the things that I noticed is that's how I usually do it, it's a lot more,

1489
01:44:33.520 --> 01:44:38.320
it's usually a lot more top heavy on the teaching and then the application for a while,

1490
01:44:38.320 --> 01:44:44.880
but I tried something different this time because I was told by, I was given some feedback by

1491
01:44:44.880 --> 01:44:52.560
someone that had taken it before that, that it just seemed like a lot in a short amount of time

1492
01:44:52.560 --> 01:44:57.680
and it was a lot to process and I was like, oh, well, maybe I need to spread it out,

1493
01:44:57.680 --> 01:44:59.840
so I spread it out and I think that.

1494
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:06.120
The problem is that it's too hard to, um, people are asking questions

1495
01:45:06.120 --> 01:45:10.280
that, uh, that week five answers and they're asking them in week one.

1496
01:45:10.560 --> 01:45:14.160
So I'm like, you know what, we just need to all get on the same page and kind

1497
01:45:14.160 --> 01:45:20.700
of just do like a brain dump, so to speak on a brand new way to brand new.

1498
01:45:20.700 --> 01:45:23.520
Um, what's the word I was going to say matrix.

1499
01:45:23.520 --> 01:45:27.080
And by matrix, I don't mean like matrix, like, like otherworldly.

1500
01:45:27.080 --> 01:45:31.520
I mean, matrix is then like a structure, like a new way of thinking, like a new

1501
01:45:31.520 --> 01:45:35.440
lifestyle, and then, and then walk the next several weeks through how

1502
01:45:35.440 --> 01:45:36.500
to flesh that thing out.

1503
01:45:36.760 --> 01:45:40.640
So I'm thinking about structuring it a bit different next, next time.

1504
01:45:40.960 --> 01:45:44.440
Another thing that I want to do is I took the inner is rest teaching series

1505
01:45:44.440 --> 01:45:48.680
and I divided it into two parts and I just did number one through seven, you

1506
01:45:48.680 --> 01:45:54.920
know, this time, well, I want to do an advanced one, um, uh, at, at a, I wanted

1507
01:45:54.920 --> 01:45:58.840
to offer an advanced where I go through the last half, like, okay, how do you

1508
01:45:58.840 --> 01:46:00.680
operate and rest in various areas?

1509
01:46:00.680 --> 01:46:02.040
How do you operate in spirit?

1510
01:46:02.520 --> 01:46:04.720
How do you govern, how do you govern?

1511
01:46:04.760 --> 01:46:10.960
Um, uh, in how do you govern as a son of God in rest, in relationships, in

1512
01:46:10.960 --> 01:46:14.480
business, um, healing, I don't just, whatever.

1513
01:46:15.040 --> 01:46:19.920
So, um, I'm, I'd like to do that as well, but I'm looking to not do anything

1514
01:46:19.920 --> 01:46:25.080
really, really big other than maybe that hour or something until next year.

1515
01:46:25.080 --> 01:46:26.800
And that's in other words, January.

1516
01:46:26.800 --> 01:46:31.080
And that's simply because no one commits to anything during that during the holidays.

1517
01:46:31.080 --> 01:46:35.240
So I, I would, I'd be up for it, but I know from the history that

1518
01:46:35.240 --> 01:46:36.840
people just are all too busy.

1519
01:46:36.840 --> 01:46:40.080
So that's the, that's the plan.

1520
01:46:40.080 --> 01:46:42.480
And then I do do one-on-ones and stuff like that.

1521
01:46:42.480 --> 01:46:43.800
I still do that during the holidays.

1522
01:46:44.520 --> 01:46:44.880
Okay.

1523
01:46:45.440 --> 01:46:45.840
Yeah.

1524
01:46:46.480 --> 01:46:46.880
All right.

1525
01:46:46.880 --> 01:46:48.000
Thank you so much.

1526
01:46:48.040 --> 01:46:48.800
You're welcome.

1527
01:46:48.800 --> 01:46:49.960
Good to visit with you, Kate.

1528
01:46:50.440 --> 01:46:50.640
Okay.

1529
01:46:50.640 --> 01:46:51.520
I'll see you on Thursday.

1530
01:46:51.840 --> 01:46:52.440
Bye.