you
Hi Ashley, can you hear me
you
I'm muted
Hmm
you
hmm
you
okay can you hear me now yeah can you hear me yes yay i can
sorry about that the problem is on my end um i um we our computer was in the shop and um what
ended up happening is and so i just got it back today but what ended up happening is because we
thought it was just a battery problem but apparently the entire motherboard had to be
replaced and what that means is that it literally wiped the computer so i come here to just get on
zoom and all of a sudden it's like taking me back from back at the very beginning of the computer
as if i just bought it from the store and it's making me go through all this setup stuff so
even though i started you know before before we needed to get on zoom everything was taking so
long to click through i ended up being like so that's also why the the voice wouldn't work is
i hadn't i hadn't done everything i needed to do for it to like for me to join and anyway so i'm
very sorry i was just in the mode of oh i've done this like hundreds of times and so i'll just go
on and all of a sudden it's as if i have a brand new computer so i'm very sorry i'm late that's
okay so let me see if i can work screens
okay i'm gonna see if
i'm gonna have to try to figure out how to like turn it up so how are you good yeah good how are
you doing good doing really good i've been excited about our meeting today and yeah because
i just feel like we uh we just really haven't i don't know connected much since you've even
though you've been in the rest intensive and i've seen your posts and stuff like that i don't know
why it just it just does and i told my husband i said i said i'm really looking forward to meeting
with christine tonight i said it just feels like she's been silent i know she hasn't been because
i've been hearing her talk and i see her post but it's just like you know i just have had the lack
of connection and so anyway i thought but i get her all to myself this evening so yeah and i'm
sorry i missed last night completely don't worry yeah just uh that you could so we missed you and
missed getting to hear you know your updates and everything but at least uh the you know the
beginning and the end of the rest groups are recorded so yeah because we do breakout rooms
um that means that the breakout rooms aren't recorded um it's just how zoom does it and
i guess because it would like be recording too many things and i think part of the breakout
rooms that sometimes people use them for
I don't want to say it's for privacy, but it
would probably be very challenging for Zoom to
figure out what to do about the fact that you're
starting a meeting and ending a meeting together.
But in the middle, it's, I mean, how on earth
would it re-integrate all those different
recordings into one thing. So maybe that's why
they don't do it. But I wish that they would
give you the option to like record, record
everything separately. You know, you have a main
meeting and then you're also recording all of
these. But as far as I know that that's not
possible. So anyway, if they're if they're missed,
they're missed, including me, I can only be there
for part of them. Like I can, I like jump into
one rest group and then after a while go into
the other one to finish it off. And then I just
sit silently on mute. Every now and then yesterday
I would like someone would say something and I'd
send a thumbs up, you know, thumbs up emoji.
Like, that was an excellent answer. That's
exactly what's going on.
But catch me up on you. So how is how is the
program going for you? How's this like this
journey with the Lord? You know, just where are
you?
Well, I'm really enjoying this. And it's so good.
Yeah. And I'm so it's so good to be with a group
of of people. I mean, it's mainly women that I
hear talking. But it's so good to be with people
who are on the same path and hungering and
desiring for the same things. Yeah. Yeah. It
really is very big so that when I had
internationals who wanted to to wanted to go
through the program, but they couldn't do it
live. And I was like, man, I really don't know if
I want to offer them any other option other than
just trying to figure out how to make the
community version work and like make the lives,
even if it's like in the middle of the night or
two in the morning or whatever. Because even
though it's inconvenient and we don't think of
that as like being an option for us, that's what
people do for my husband's ministry. They're
literally all over the world at all different
times a day. And like if it's two in the morning,
they will get up and in order to get to watch a
session or whatever. But everyone's different.
So anyway, my point was that I thought, I don't
know if I want to offer them an option like a
private option because the community aspect is
so very helpful. And it's encouraging because
you're like, OK, so Ashley's not the only one
out there like that, that lives like this, that
gets to see God like this. I'm hearing
testimonies from all these other people and then
me trying to learn how to live like that life
like this. I'm not the only one who's learning,
you know, and it's just really is very
encouraging. And I've noticed that it's very
powerful. So the rest groups are actually
something new I'm doing to allow more time for
people to just visit and interact. And yeah,
there's a purpose behind it of like, hey,
everybody, you know, hear other people's stories
and then try because it's because you're not
emotionally involved, you know, or as emotionally
involved. You know, we love other people, but, you
know, we care about them. But that you're
listening for trying to figure out, OK, in those
types of situations and scenarios, where is
unrest evidencing itself so we can start more
readily seeing in our own lives? And then how if
you're in that situation, could you, what is it
that you could, how could you approach it
differently in order to shift into rest and
whatever? But so there is that purpose, but also
part of the purpose is just to make, to help
everybody get a chance to share and to feel heard
and to feel, you know, to hear other people who
are on that path. So I'm glad that you're liking
it. Yeah, I really am. And your videos answering
questions are really good, too. You know, that's
good to know. OK, we have sessions. Yeah, those
are really good. And I have to tell you what
happened yesterday, because Sunday night, you
know, you were talking about who is God, you
know, who who do you say that I am? And the word
planner came to me. And so, you know, I thought,
OK, you are my planner. And then yesterday I
needed to have that word because I my I have a
new primary care doctor who is supposed to get
me going on the radiation therapy. So she had
cancelled earlier in the month, and I was
supposed to start this like the SEC by at least
the second week in October. And.
I was supposed to see her on Tuesday.
She'd already canceled before.
I got a call from the office on Tuesday
saying they were canceling again
and that I couldn't see her until November 17th.
That would be frustrating.
Oh, I was so frustrated, so frustrated.
And they made an appointment for me to see
the physician assistant, but I was really in tears.
And I knew I needed to call somebody,
my health planner, somebody,
but I called the radiation therapy office.
And this gal, her name is Janine,
we've talked because they're waiting for me to come.
They have my paperwork.
So I told, and I was crying when I was talking to her
and she was kind of upset
and she just went to bat for me.
And she got the physician assistant
to put in a urgent request.
And I have an appointment with a consultation on Friday
with the radiation oncologist.
Oh, good.
So Thursday, tomorrow with the physician assistant
and then Friday to find out.
Oh, good.
Yeah, and I mean, I was really upset
but I was thinking you are my planner,
God knows about this.
And I asked him, who do I call?
What is going to be the best way to do it?
And calling that gal, she really got things going.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, so that was, yeah.
That's wonderful.
It's seeing a manifestation of the fact
that you called on God's character.
God said, God revealed himself to you as,
hey, one of the things I am to you is I'm a planner.
Like, oh, okay, so God, you're going to plan it
and I don't have to plan it?
He's like, yeah, I plan it.
Like, okay, so with you being my planner, Lord,
how do I participate?
Because you and I are living life together.
So you're going to plan it and I'm part of it.
So now that the pressure is off,
okay, now who do I call?
Who could I do it?
It's like everything is a lot more clear when we rest,
what a lot of times we think of as a relax.
In other words, the pressure is off.
So now the pressure's off.
It's wild what God will like put into our heads
and be like, call this person, do this.
That we feel and sense and watch his direction
so much more effortlessly.
If we just call on his character, like, okay, God,
then I will allow you.
I choose and I give you authority to be that,
to be what you've declared to be.
Into my life, I don't know what it's going to look like.
I don't know how it's going to manifest.
I don't know if or when I'm going to get an answer
or in what that answer is going to look like
and what it is that you're going to do.
Or is it feel like you're going to do anything
by such and such a time?
But whatever it is, God, I just want to see you be you.
And then all of a sudden the pressure and the weight's off.
And then it's so much easier to just know,
oh, well, then I should do this.
Then I should do that.
But if we're tight and if we're nervous
and then if we're like feel the pressure
and we're upset and we're like, it shouldn't feel like this.
It shouldn't be like this.
And then we feel the pressure that in order
for a good outcome to come, I have to do it.
It's harder for our minds to be clear
for us to think of truly what is it that would,
who should I call or what should I do?
When if we give it to the Lord,
the Lord's like, I'll show you, I'll guide you, whatever.
That is wonderful.
Yeah. And I felt like, and I thought,
it's okay to feel the emotion after all this time.
And still I can't get in to see that doctor.
Yeah.
And it wasn't like I was angry.
I was just, you know.
Yeah.
Tired of it.
I don't know.
And I didn't actually want the radiation therapy,
but when I called and I spoke with a naturopathic doctor,
she said, you do the radiation therapy
with the nutrition or whatever it is.
You know, like vitamin C shot.
Yeah.
So then that showed me, okay,
I do need to have the radiation therapy,
even though my sister is against it.
Sorry.
Yeah.
But that I wanted to mention, too, about your video
about owning it, owning yourself.
That was really helpful because, yeah, I
think it's the whole thing of having a will
or having you can own that you have your own wants or desires
or whatever, and that you're not just a limp dishrag.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And you can make your choices.
Correct.
Yeah, it's just that God wants us to choose the thing
that he wants us to choose him.
But we have to, like I was all saying yesterday,
we have to own our own will enough to be able to choose him.
So he doesn't want to be dragging us along like a slave.
He's like, no, no, no, now you're a son.
I'm just asking you to choose me.
That's the obedience.
The obedience isn't shutting off your will
where you have no desire and you're just kind of walking
around like a robot, you know, like, Lord,
whatever you want me to do, I'll do.
He's like, I don't feel loved like that
because you shut yourself off in order to obey me.
And why would you do that if you loved me?
Because I want you to obey me because you love me
and have a relationship.
And I am what you chose as opposed to, no, Lord,
in order to avoid choosing you because I don't want to,
I'm just going to shut myself off.
That's actually not choosing God.
So anyway, I think that that's that I'm really
glad that it was helpful.
It ended up, that was a clip from the rest group
last night from the very end because I
had been listening to the people talk in the different,
in the different, two different groups.
And I thought, and that was just something
that the Lord kind of raised up in my spirit.
And so that's how I try to run the rest intensives
is I try to do a lot, I try to do,
I try to address things that just kind of like
spiritually seem to come up as people are going through
when they're on this journey.
It's like, okay, what is very present now?
Where is everyone and what part are they,
what like, I don't know,
what tool do they need now or whatever?
And so that was the one that came up
based off of where it is people seem to be.
Because I noticed that I kept talking about choosing
and people, they didn't say they were frustrated,
but I could sense the frustration of like, but how?
Okay, so we need to do that.
So that's great, but how do I do it?
And all of a sudden I realized that's right.
If people have gotten to the point where they are,
it generally means, you know,
like they need the rest intensive,
they need to learn to shift into rest.
Because they're usually so performance driven
because they don't own themselves anymore.
They don't feel they have a right to themselves.
So they don't know how to choose anymore
in a manner of speaking.
We all know how to choose someone,
but there's a way in which we've shut it off deep down
in our relationship with the Lord.
And we don't know that we've shut it off.
We don't know where to go to find it
in order to turn it back on.
So I was trying to think of different phrases
that would kind of like help people know
of what I was talking about when I say choose.
It's like, it's your intention.
It's what I refer to.
I, in fact, I have an entire teaching on this.
It's called the power of intention,
where you decide of your own free will
and you send it, you create a decision
out of your own free will
and you direct it towards something.
And that's what causes something to happen in the earth.
And God always wants the origination of that intention
to be something that you and he collaborated on
together, not something we're just doing
because we just want to.
And we're like rogues out there, you know.
But anyway, go ahead.
So I'm glad that that was helpful and timely.
Yeah, that was good.
And I'm trying to think where I am at.
I'm exhausted really.
Work is so busy right now.
We were bought out by a company
and they're coming in and putting on lots of pressure,
put, you know, wanna make lots of changes.
And the department that I work for,
like I work for nurse care managers
and they are really, I mean, they're being asked to,
they have enough, their jobs are sufficient, you know.
What they're doing is enough, too much actually.
But so now they're adding all these things on.
And so that means I have to, you know,
make these programs and do all this stuff.
And then I just got a message before our call
that they want this.
other thing to happen, which I don't know, a lot of this stuff
I don't know how to do until, you know, we get started on it.
But it's a lot of a lot of pressure and not just on me.
It's it's a lot of pressure on the nurses, the people that I
can't afford. And yeah, so yeah, so I'm feeling pretty, well,
just tired. Yeah. You know, after yesterday, and then
thinking about getting radiation therapy. And they say that I
had a friend who went through it a few months ago. And she said,
you get really tired. And she took a medical leave from work.
But I don't really want to. So I want to keep working. So I'm
really, yeah, kind of wondering how that's gonna go. And then,
you know, it burns, I guess it burns your skin. So really,
yeah, like a sunburn or something. So it doesn't sound
very fun. But, you know, got to do it. Yeah.
So go ahead. No, I was just I thought you were done. So I was
gonna jump in. But go for it. Jump in, jump in. Well, all I was
going to really address was about like the fact that you
know, that you said that you're so tired. So you're talking
about the fact that there's a lot of pressure at work. And
that's one of those things that we can kind of that we can
absorb. In other words, that we can take on and it's the same
thing that we're talking about, like, that we were talking
about yesterday, that a lot of people were talking about
yesterday in the rest groups, as well as people like say, for
instance, Lindsay have been bringing it up about like
relationships, or, or some people have been bringing it up
about other situations where Oh, Sicily, that's who it was. I
was like, I knew that there's somebody else who's been
talking specifically about pressure, where, you know, in
relationships, whether it's like in relationships, or in
work relationships, there's this pressure that we feel. And
therefore, we feel like there's some response that we have to
make to the pressure of, in other words, that we have to
take it on. That because someone is requiring something,
whether emotionally or physically, or, you know, in
their job, etc, that we are that that pressure, in other
words, that they're that that thing that someone else wants
someone else's desires are now our responsibility to carry.
And it's really challenging, as I would say, especially in a
work environment, maybe, but to not take on that pressure. And
what you do is you put you, you meet your required, don't say
obligations that required agreement of like, okay, I will,
you know, I will, I will put in my due diligence that I and I
will work, and I will do everything to the best of my
ability, etc. But I won't take on the pressure and the
responsibility for an outcome that you give to God, they can
pressure you all they want to because they're there, they have
the pressure and they're trying to shift it. It's like a
scapegoat, or something like that. They're trying to put it
off on someone else. Well, you and they're trying to put it off
on you. Well, you don't have to take it. And you can put it
either on your supervisors, or you can put it on the Lord.
Well, you always want to put it on the Lord. But the reason I
say the supervisors is that that comes in with, with if there's
only so much that you can do, and this is just this is just
business, you know, if you if there's only so much that you
can do in a in a like in your allotted time, well, then what I
always did, and then I what I was required the people
underneath me to do was to tell the superior, which if I have
people underneath me, it was me, tell me that they couldn't meet
all of their obligations within their within the limits of say,
for instance, their time or their resources or whatever, and
have me make the decision of the priority that I was holding them
to accomplish. If they can't do everything, what were my
priorities? Yeah, leave responsibility on me. But
anyway, that's that's business stuff. So as far as as actually
as you can do that, whatsoever, you will, that's free. But as
far as you know, actually living in rest, especially I mean, even
if you can't pass it along to your superiors, even if you
don't have that type, if you feel that that's not something
that you can do, you can at least, you know, put it all off in the Lord because God never
wants you to be the one to carry it.
So other people can feel like it's your responsibility to carry, but just because other people want
you to carry it or feel that it's your duty to carry it does not mean that it's true.
It does not mean that that's actually your responsibility.
The outcome of your job is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility between you and the Lord, I'm meaning like the outcome of your job
is not your responsibility, you know, between you and the Lord, that's his responsibility.
And so you just basically show up, you know, like, Lord, I present myself to you, you and
I work together.
You know, I will not take on the burden, weight and responsibility of what happens.
I will just be here doing my best before you in your eyes and just apply myself and,
you know, ask for your guidance and ask for your wisdom and, and then, and just, and just
execute because I choose you over how well I do my job.
I choose you over the outcome of my actions.
And so now that's leaving you Lord responsible for the outcome of my actions.
And now that I, now that my actions no longer carry that weight and the responsibility of
determining the outcome, then you will find that you will, you will work a lot more effortlessly.
You'll, you'll discover I'm just kind of like, you know, yesterday, you will come up with
all kinds of ideas.
The Lord will reveal all kinds of things to you that you probably wouldn't have thought
of.
If you've had felt the pressure and the responsibility to execute and to get the outcome, but if
you relieve the outcome to the Lord, then he'll end up, you know, showing you things
to do along the way, et cetera, be free to be able to, to, to know, to, to hear him,
et cetera.
And you remember that I learned about rest in business, so I didn't learn about rest
late or earlier and then apply it in business.
It was in business situations.
So when I'm telling you this, I really did do it in those situations and no one told
me that it would work.
All I knew is that God said he's more important than anything.
So I'm like, okay, Lord, then you're even apparently more, more important than how well
I do my job.
So I'm getting all this pressure Lord at work to execute, to get a particular outcome in
so many, what felt like impossible scenarios.
I mean, impossible ones and, and I, I wasn't in control of everything because I was dependent
on a whole lot of other people underneath me, et cetera.
And I was like, Lord, you know, what do you, what do you say?
The Lord said, and I felt that the Lord was saying what, um, said that he was my highest
priority and the people underneath me were, were the next highest priority.
And so I'm like, okay, Lord, I choose you and I choose them.
I choose to make sure they have everything it is that they need.
I choose to support them even at my own expense, et cetera.
You know?
And when I did that, God, and because I released the outcome of all of the work to the Lord,
he literally did the miraculous.
He did the miraculous to the point that that project that I worked on is still legendary.
In fact, people get frustrated hearing about that, about that team and all of this stuff
that we did because they, they saw that we performed so well.
We thought we need to make more teams like this.
But what they didn't understand is the manager was involved.
Exactly.
They didn't understand that the manager was bringing in the kingdom of heaven and God
was the one who was allowing all those things to happen.
God was the one who, whose spirit was being allowed to move.
And we're talking like none of those other people were Christians, by the way.
I mean, there were a handful of, I don't know, I think one, two of them were professed Christians
or maybe three.
I don't remember.
Out of like 45 or something like that, all of the rest of them were Hindu.
They were all Indian and they were from like, and they were either in India or they were
newly here in the United States.
And I'm telling you what, so it was just that because the manager brought in the authority
of the kingdom of heaven, that is what had preeminence.
So when they tried to replicate the team or when they moved me out and they moved someone
else in is because I asked to be transferred because it was just like, it was just finally
got to just be too much.
But anyway, when they finally put someone else in that position, I tried to, he was
a Christian and I tried to explain to him how I approach things.
But sure enough, the bottom fell out from under it when, under the project and under
the team when he took over because they weren't executing things according to the kingdom
of heaven, that it was God's spirit that was creating the outcomes.
So anyway, all these other teams ever since that have been created and they were always
being taught about this team and how great it was and they need to perform like this,
they would just get annoyed because they're like, I don't know how on earth y'all got
those results and we're being held to an impossible standard and they just felt they
had a lot of resentment.
But anyway, my point was it was that the results were that big of a deal.
God moved in that big of a way because I was under very, very, very high pressure to
create the impossible and God came in and because I'm like, okay, God, I'm not responsible
for that.
My business leaders can want that all they want to, Lord.
That's great for them.
But I'm telling you, there's just no way for that to happen unless God, you take over
and you do it.
If you say, no, we're in your hands, I will just operate in integrity and in taking care
of other people, in taking care of myself, in having boundaries and not throwing the
people underneath me under the bus if they make a mistake, etc.
And then God came in because I let go of everything, God came in and took it.
So anyway, I just wanted to tell you that story to let you know that when I tell you
this, I'm not in your situation, but I'm telling you how it works when even though
it can and what the outcome is, even though we feel like we're risking so much by letting
it go, we're like, well, if I don't feel the pressure, then I won't perform or I won't
get the result.
And that's not true.
We're just used to that only being our only motivator.
And God instead wants to shift our motivation to simply be enjoying him and to be enjoying
the journey of developing our relationship with him.
And we happen to be doing it eight hours a day in the structure of what we call work.
You know, we're for you.
I don't know.
I know that you've worked many more hours, you know, than that, but yes, many more.
Yes.
I'm sure it's like 14 or something.
I've got to tell you what happened with like I had this project and I asked the manager
when she wanted it done by.
And she said like Wednesday.
And that was like maybe Friday.
Well, it was really impossible to finish by Wednesday.
And I should have said, you know, I really can't do it by Wednesday.
And I then I asked her, do you want it Wednesday night or when she wanted it Wednesday morning,
which meant I had to finish it Tuesday night.
And I mean, the Lord did help me with I could use some things that were already built.
And that sped up the process.
But I stayed up while I was watching TV at the same time towards the end, you know, but
I stayed up till three in the morning working on this project.
And then today, so I finished it that Tuesday night and moved it to production that that
night.
So they had it the Wednesday morning.
Well, today I was working on a report and I saw that no one had used those programs,
those two programs that I put together.
And so it was like I should have said, you know, I can't finish it by by Tuesday night.
It was just way too much to do way too much.
It was it was just not.
And I needed to I mean, I think I find that difficult to to really, you know, think, OK,
this is not going to be able to be done like today.
Or this I mean, because I I I said today that I was going to finish something by today.
But then I was given other things to do.
And so I haven't even started on that yet.
So I have to watch what I say.
But it's like some of those things aren't even that important.
I mean, if they didn't start using what I write, yeah, yeah.
And this is like a week later.
I mean, that's. That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
So like I said, you know, what I got used to is not telling is trying to avoid telling my boss no and just letting them know that, OK, well, if you'd like me to do that, that's going to take X amount of time.
I only have X number of hours.
What would you like me to do instead of trying to solve the problem for them?
Just say, OK, I'm willing to do it, but, you know, here's this or.
or, you know, I can't do them all, which is your priority?
You know, or I wouldn't say I can't do them all.
I wouldn't make it about me.
And like, so I'm saying no, but, you know, and just basically have
them put the responsibility onto them instead of taking their job
off of them and carrying it myself.
It's like, okay, absolutely.
I'm here to, to do this stuff.
What is your responsibility to prioritize that for me?
What, what are you, what are you holding me to?
Yeah, they usually do that.
They do that for me.
That's great.
That's wonderful.
I was like, you've got some good people.
So yeah, they're great to work for.
And I'm glad you like that.
Yeah.
And the manager is a Christian.
So, okay.
Like she had sent me something in the mail, a card with a door dash gift card.
You do you have door dash anyway, but she didn't sign it.
So I had no idea who it was from.
And then today she said, did you get something in the mail for me?
And I said, oh, was that you there?
It wasn't, you know, it wasn't signed.
And she said, well, I'm kind of out of sorts.
I've been out of sorts.
And then I said, you know, how can I pray for you?
And then she said, she's really overwhelmed with the job.
And, you know, it's, I think they're putting so much pressure on her.
I'm sure.
But anyway, now I can't remember why I said that.
I can't remember.
Oh, well, you were just telling me that they're great to work for.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
They really are good to work, you know, work with all the, the nurses and I work
with health navigators and social workers and pharmacists to do those.
Yeah.
So it's been, yeah.
So it's been good.
And, and I've, you know, been really conscious that God is, you know, even
before I listened to your foundation series, I, you know, I was just, I mean,
because this job was really beyond me, you know, and a healthcare IT position
that, and I, I got the training in Wisconsin, went to Wisconsin three times
for training, but even then it was still really hard.
It was, I mean, it's not so hard now, but back then, man.
Um, but it was like, I knew that God, God was working with me.
You know, it wasn't like I was doing this on my own and if I tried to do it on my
own, it, I couldn't do it, you know?
And I had other people that I could ask questions, you know, ask them questions.
So it was really like, you know, God was doing it or I was doing it with him.
Not like he was with me, but you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So it's been, it's been really, you know, it's been really good.
Yeah.
Really good.
Enjoyed.
Well, did, um, uh, so, um, well did, before we go on, did what I say make sense?
Do you know, like, you know, what I was talking about, about like, you know,
with the Lord about how we don't take on that responsibility and we just give it
to him, I mean, did that make sense though, practically of like, okay, I know how it
is that I can actually do that as opposed to, okay, that sounds nice, but how do you
do that?
Did.
I think I know what, what you mean, you know, about not taking the responsibility
for it, the outcome.
Um, yeah, I think I know what you mean.
Okay.
Okay, good.
I wanted to make sure, because that can be very challenging to, um, especially when
you're in the middle of it and you're just kind of like faced with it, like, yeah,
but this is the very real reality.
I mean, the thing is due and you know, they just gave it to me and it's due in
two hours and my goodness, normally something like this would take me four
hours.
And then we feel like, oh my word, I really do have to do that.
I don't have time to rely on God, you know?
And it's really in those very extreme times when I, that actually helped me take
the risk because I'm just going, okay, this is extreme.
So I'm just going to give up trying to do it the way that I've always done it.
And I'm truly going to give it to him this time.
And, but it was hard because I'm thinking I'm risking the outcome and the outcome
is risking my career or it's risking my job or whatever.
But I thought I choose God over that.
So I'm like, okay, God, I give it all to you.
And then everything within me would just be like,
oh my word, then the pressure's not mine anymore.
And then all of the sudden,
I would enjoy what it was that I was doing.
I would enjoy what it was that I was tasked with
because I was no longer carrying the pressure.
And now that I was no longer carrying the pressure,
my mind and my energy was now clear to be creative.
All of these ideas started coming to my mind of like,
okay, I could do this, I could do that.
And I would just like jump in
and I would just remember, okay, Ashley,
don't get overwhelmed, just start, just start.
And then as I would go, I'd be like,
okay, let's problem solve this
and let's cut this corner in order to like get it,
in order to like, it's something I would normally do.
Yeah, but there's no time.
So if I do it like this, well, I never thought of that,
you know, doing it like that,
I would actually do it faster and more efficient
and actually it'd be higher quality or whatever.
But so anyway, it can be very scary,
but that's why God talks about faith the way that he does,
is just like, I know that it is risky
and that there's nothing that seems to support
that what I'm telling you is valid,
but he's going, but I want you to choose me
even though I don't seem to make sense
the way that you've always seen the world work.
I'm telling you that if you allow me to do that,
I will come in and do the miraculous
and I will, my kingdom and my principles
will supersede those of the principles
by which the world usually works,
that normally you couldn't do something like that
in two hours or whatever.
And you'll be like, I'll show you because I will do it.
You just enjoy me.
If you choose me, I'll take care of you.
And even if like you didn't, for instance,
say for instance, you don't even hit the deadline
of two hours, there will be something out of it
where God, and especially in the beginning
where God proves is like, I've always been,
I'm still providing for you.
Maybe someone will come in and you show them
what it is you've done so far and they're like,
well, we appreciate you giving your best
and you know what, come to, just the other day
or just five minutes ago, the boss came in
and said, we actually don't need it
or I want to shift priorities or whatever.
And the Lord took care of it.
But I mean, you never know how he'll problem solve.
And even if he doesn't quote unquote problem solve
and there's some quote unquote consequence,
I always give that consequence to Lord as well.
Lord, that's an outcome.
And I give that to you.
So you're gonna take care of the outcome
of what in my mind, I'm thinking that consequence
might mean da, da, da, da, da.
God, I give that to you as well.
And I would just always choose him over my life.
And that is how my life began
to just completely turned around.
And all of a sudden the miraculous things would happen.
Opportunities would start presenting themselves.
People would start, life was more fun, more enjoyable.
I began to dream more.
I began to pursue the dreams.
I began to see the dreams happen.
I cannot tell you how fast my life suddenly began to move.
It felt like I lived a year within a month period of time.
Every month felt like a year
because so many things were happening
and God was just moving in such miraculous ways.
So it really is very wild.
So we just live life with him
and let him take care of the outcome, good, bad or ugly.
We just let him have it.
And we choose him over getting a particular outcome.
Yeah, I have a question that isn't really,
I mean, it's not really related to this,
but why don't they teach this stuff,
union and trust at church?
I mean, we don't hear this very much.
No, you don't.
For one thing is they'll touch on certain things like union.
They'll touch on certain things like love,
but people, but how would it,
I'm trying to think how to word it.
I think I'm trying to explain too many things at one time
and that's why the trains are colliding.
Part of it is it's not sexy.
It doesn't tickle people's ears
because it feels irrelevant to what they're facing.
And they're allowing the things of this world
to be more important to them than the Lord.
So that what they prefer is something
that makes something that seems more exciting.
Like, how can I have more of the gifts of the spirit
because I can see those,
because I'm talking in tongues
or I can see someone be healed or,
yeah, but my mom came and talked to me like this or my.
or my boss came in and required this of me.
And we're so focused on how to handle
all of the moving parts in our physical lives
because that's where all of our attention is on
that a lot of times pastors know that in order to get,
that in order to not just kind of like
capture people's attention, but how else would you put it?
Kind of like reach people
because that's where they're looking
and that's what they're wanting.
Then the pastors will talk to that.
Also a lot of times pastors themselves
that's what they're interested in.
It's the union and the love is hard
because we are what's required.
That sacrifice as opposed to God working for us.
And if we do certain things
well then God will give us what we want.
Instead of that, it's like,
you've got to give up your life and your lifestyle
and what it is and stop holding them
in accusation against the Lord
or require God to reconcile why he didn't heal so-and-so,
you know, whatever.
You have to give all that up and choose him
when you don't even know who he is.
And that no one wants to do.
That's why the people that a lot of times
come to the rest intensive are the people
that are just simply the most desperate
because nothing else has worked.
But most people hear what I talk about
and they're just not interested.
They're like, that sounds so nice, yeah.
Or they'll say, oh, I remember when God taught me about rest
and I'm looking at their life going,
well, I don't really know
if we're talking about the same thing anyway.
But it's just not, it's the hard stuff.
It's the thing that sometimes we're just not willing to do
or to look at or to give of ourselves to the Lord
until we're in enough pain,
until we're in enough torment,
until we're in enough fear.
And we're allowing that to shift,
just trying to escape one to land into the other
as opposed to being drawn by the beauty of this.
So, I mean, that's one explanation.
Yeah, it seems like, you know,
pastors and people are looking for answers, what to do.
Yeah, correct.
You know, and I mean-
What do I do?
And because you're right, it's performance-based.
Give me a formula, give me something to do.
Give me a certain number of Bible verses I need to read
or something, some way that I can interact with God
where I can, you know, check it off my list
or I can know what it is that I'm doing
so that I can know what it is,
so that I can control it
and be able to determine the outcome.
I choose what outcome I want from the Lord
and tell me how to get that outcome from Him.
And so you've nailed it on the head.
It's the whole doing thing
because we're so used to doing things in the world
that that's how we,
and that's how we have approached getting anything else
in life, jobs, you know, a recognition or whatever
is what we do.
And we think that that'll work with the Lord.
We want that to work with the Lord
for the same reason that Adam and Eve chose the tree
of the knowledge of good and evil,
because it's control, you know,
so anyway, so that's why,
but everything is to be had when you give up the control, so.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, like some were talking
about their church situations
and I left the church that is close by here
after they really treated a pastor badly
and had him leave
because he, I really think it was,
he had a different style of preaching
than the pastor who retired
and they didn't have a going away thing.
It was just all, you know, bad.
And there was the people that I rent a room from,
they were really upset and, you know, we were all,
and they weren't really telling why the pastor was leaving
and, you know, just that it was a difference in opinion
or difference of, what do you call it?
Now, I can't think of it,
philosophy of ministry or something.
So I, you know, I wrote a letter
and got a generic letter back, you know,
we hope you and your family, well, it's just me, you know?
And so I went to another church that focuses more on,
like you were talking about the gifts and, you know.
know, like I saw some people from the old church, and they
prayed for me when, you know, they knew I had cancer, but no
one asked that God would heal me. I thought that was
interesting. Yeah. They just asked for, you know, I get
through it or whatever. So this other church is, you know, it's
really good, very positive, and really, you know, what they
teach is really good. I mean, they're emphasizing now healing.
So of course, I got prayed for healing. But it's so far, like
it's about 40, 45 minutes from where I live. And it's kind of
far to go every Sunday. So I haven't been going and I don't,
you know, the messages at the old church were more like, you
need to do this and more condemning. I mean, not that
they're meant to be condemning, but more. I don't know, not
uplifting, not encouraging, sort of, sort of, not all the time,
but you know, is. Yeah. So I'm kind of in a quandary about what
to do about that. Because, you know, it's like, it's so far to
go, but I really like that church. But I mean, I think
there's still there's, there's still not the thing about union,
you know, there's not the, you know, that sort of thing. And
that is kind of, even though I haven't known how to experience
it a lot through my life, but it's been a theme. You know,
like Hudson Taylor's spiritual secret and that. Anyway, I
haven't I know who Hudson Taylor is. But yeah, yeah. So there
were all these, you know, Christians, I read books, I was
trying to find out how you experience this. And you know,
union, and oneness. Yeah, yeah. And work from that, because
there was a there's a book called they found the secret.
And it's about most of it. I think it was Christian, like Amy
Carmichael, you know, a bunch of different people in Christian
service. And, you know, they came to the end of themselves
and knew that they, you know, they, they were working in the
flesh, serving God in the flesh, you know, on their own. And then
they experienced this oneness with him. And they, you know,
then it became easy, like for Hudson Taylor, you know, it
became really easy, even though circumstances were really
difficult. And, you know, it was like, there were times when I
would experience that. But not consistently, you know, it
wouldn't be consistent. And, you know, in my I think it was in my
freshman year in Bible school, they, they gave an assignment
for us to write about our identification with Christ. And
I had no idea what that was. Yeah, yeah. So people don't.
Yeah. Yeah. So it was, you know, that got me thinking. And, you
know, anyway, so that's kind of been a theme, but to really
experience it all the time. Because you don't hear about it
in church very often. Yeah. I mean, there's a couple people
that you know, that I'm, I've taken classes from them, that do
talk about working with God, and emphasize union and, and all
that. I have this thing that one of them, like, what does the
Father desire from us that we live out of union with Christ?
Yes. And, you know, so there are some people that talk about it.
Yeah, but not that many. Yeah, correct. Anyway, so this has
been this is really good, because, yeah, I just want to
learn to live it more consistently. And, you know,
like, what you're talking about with the pressure, you know, not
to take on that pressure. Yeah, so it's, it's really, really a
good opportunity to learn, to learn with other people, you
know, yeah.
Well, one of the things hopefully, you know, that'll, that'll help is, you know, our
identity is our union.
And it's the point at which, you know, our spirit is, you know, combined with his spirit,
you know, touches the spirit, the point at which they're connected, that right there
is our identity.
And and we live from that place.
So our identity is wrapped up in him.
It's not just like, oh, this is our identity.
And then we're can and then we're connected it to now, I have it's not like I've seen
this in scripture somewhere of like, it says that, oh, your identity is the point at which
your spirit connects with God's spirit.
It's just something I teach, because it's just like, it's like something that you just
know, but you don't know how you know, it's just like the things to take it with a grain
of salt.
But that's what I believe, based off and that's how I live.
And I'm telling you my whole life changed when I began to live from the perspective
that my identity is my union.
It's not, it's not my union isn't like this fringe benefit after my identity.
So I'm me and then you know, I connected it's my identity is me being connected.
And so if I, if my identity gives me that sense of self, my sense of self is my union
with God.
And so if I began to kind of think of that, like, well, my sense of self, so who I am
is my oneness with God.
It's the fact that I'm, it's, I'm always with him and I'm feeling him and I have access
to his heart and I have access to his will, meaning like I, I can, I can, I, he gives
me, uh, he, he, um, reveals his will to me because, because I'm in him and connected
to him.
I can feel his love.
I can feel, I can feel his being not just for me, but for other people because I'm in
him.
I'm seeing all these things about him and knowing all of these things about him.
It's because just simply from the fact that I'm connected, even if it's not hitting my
head yet, I'm just, it's that like what I was talking about, the fact that I've never
seen it in scripture, you know, that our identity is our spirit, united with his spirit, but
it's like, I just know it.
It's all, it's, it's knowing everything from simply being connected and being in unit it's.
And so it's hard.
It's a challenging to explain, but that sense of knowing, uh, you know, of, of, of choosing
that.
Okay.
If he says I'm unified with him, I choose that I'm unified.
I choose that, you know, meaning like I choose that that really is my reality.
I choose to believe it.
I choose that it's actually true.
I, you know, as opposed to hoping that it's true and looking for evidence that it's true.
No, I'm like, I make the decision that that is reality because he said that it was.
And then if I, if I do that, well then I lived, I actually begin to live from my union with
Christ because I access, basically speaking, that sense of self.
And I've already identified that my sense of self is me unified with him.
It's not me, my sense of self in the end.
Oh yeah.
Then I also need to remember in addition to that, I'm unified with him.
That's not it.
My sense of self is the union.
I can't separate it and try to get access my sense of self and then later remember,
oh yeah, but also in addition to me being me, I, I get the benefit of also being unified
with him.
There's you, they, they can't be addressed separately.
The me being me is me connected with him.
Otherwise, it would kind of be like me talking, trying to like talk about me without talking
about, you know, and in my sense of self without talking about my body or without talking
about my heart or without talking about my, my, my thoughts or my whatever.
And then saying that, that, well, that's not really me.
That's something else.
And that's a fringe benefit.
It's not, you can't, you know, all of those things make it myself.
So it's the same kind of an idea with, with the Lord.
So if I began to, to view it and remind myself, in other words, bring to the forefront of
my awareness and basically my choice, that that is how I'm going to live life.
And that's what I choose that if God says it's true, that really is true, then if then
I find myself living from that place because I've chosen that that's who I am.
That is how I identify me to me.
If I'm wondering, okay, so I, I feel, I kind of feel at sea right now, you know, I don't
really feel like I have my feet under me in life or, or in this moment, you know, I feel
a little chaotic or I feel a little, I feel hurt in relationships or whatever.
And you kind of want to kind of get a bit of a, get a solid ground.
I go back to, you know, my sense of self, okay, Ashley, you are not your problem.
You are not the chaos around you.
You are not that other person in their hurts, you know, so who's you again?
If I, if I always associate me with me being in God and me being part of him, then I naturally
live from that awareness all the time.
And I know I'm talking a lot about like thought and choice and awareness, but that kind of
like just kind of gives us a, of an anchor point to remind ourselves, but really it's,
it just all comes from a sense of it.
All of this will flow powerfully into your life from a sense of, of, of, of the fact
that that is true, not that you think that it is.
You thinking that it is to shift you into finally being able to access it and being
given permission because you've been given permission to it, but then you'll start when
now that you've given permission and authority to it, that's where you start living from
is your union with him.
And then you're living life with God all the time.
And you're working with God because that's how you identify yourself to you is your connection
with the Lord.
Is that maybe helpful a bit?
Yeah.
That's helpful.
Yeah.
So you don't, you no longer see yourself as separate, correct?
Yeah.
So it's like, you only see yourself as in him and he, in you, that, that connection,
that union.
Yeah.
That's why I say that as much as people want to talk about all this stuff about rest, I'm
like, okay.
Yeah.
But yeah.
But have y'all, you know, cause people have been asking me all these other questions,
which is fine, but I keep thinking, yeah, but you can't get that unless you get the
oneness and the fact that that place of one is being in him.
You're safe because you're loved by him as opposed to us not wanting to go to the oneness
and not wanting to, to, uh, you know, be aware of it because God himself makes us afraid,
you know, God himself scarcest, you know, like, uh, you know, I don't want to get too
close to him because, you know, you know, I don't want to be one with him or I don't
want to realize or be aware of my oneness with him because he, because I'm, I'm afraid
of him.
You know, so we have to realize, I don't know, we're fully loved.
We're not coming to a place of judgment or his wrath or his rejection.
So we're coming to his love and we have to realize that we're one and then live from
that place because that oneness, that union is rest.
That is the rest is the place of union.
So you could say that union is rest.
Rest is union in a manner of speaking, you know, the place of rest is, is God himself.
If you were to call God a place, he's not a place, he's a being, but being in that place
of God's being is rest.
So being in him, being unified from him, if you live from the union with him, you're at
rest.
If you live from the union with him, everything's effortless.
If you live from the union with him, he creates all of the outcomes and you are just, you
get to contribute to the ideas of how you and he want to live and you live with him.
You do actions and activities and you talk and you, and you meet people and you, you
know, make decisions and you come up with hobbies that you like, et cetera, but you
do everything together.
It's different than a marriage where he has his hobbies and you have yours.
Everything that you and God do is you living life together.
He's getting to experience life very uniquely through the fact that you're a woman of your
age living and working and doing what it is that you do.
He is having a life experience, but not through you, with you.
How do you, what hobbies do you and he want to have?
He's gets to experience life with you because he's in you while you're doing all of this
stuff.
So he has a say, you know, he, his opinion matters, you know, et cetera, because it's
not just you who's now getting, who's going to be doing it and just hoping that he's pleased
with how you do it and what choices you make.
It's both of you together, actually living and doing it together, living life together.
But yeah, it all comes from identifying yourself, your sense of self as being one with God.
You abiding in him and him abiding in you.
Even God himself abides in you.
Both Jesus as well as God the Father, it says.
You know, Jesus mentioned that.
Yeah.
Does that make sense?
But more about like how we can live in union with him and have that sense, if you will,
all the time, not just in mountaintop moments.
It's the place in which you identify yourself, your sense of self and your sense of being
and who it is that you are is the connection point with him.
It's that, it's you being your father.
And so it's not just thinking that, you know, that it's true, correct, because, you know,
you try to wrap your mind around some of those things and you can't.
But so it's actually I don't know how to put it into words, but you're living out of it
and you're I guess you act on it.
I mean, yes, it's true, correct, so you act on it.
But and I mean, I suppose you have to consider in your mind and your heart that this is is
true and bring yourself back to it, just like you're talking about bringing yourself like
it during the day.
I am really loved by God, you know, reminding yourself.
So there's probably the thought, too, but it's more than that, isn't it?
More than just the union and yeah, yes.
That's why I was talking about choice as much as I was yesterday.
It's because we can't convince ourselves of something.
It's just it and expect to finally believe it to the point where it becomes faith and
we live it.
It just doesn't work like that.
We can try to convince ourselves all we want to, but if that what it is that we believe
deep down is eventually is actually truly how we're we're going to live, by the way,
are you good on time?
I'm fine on time, but I want to check on you.
Yeah, I'm fine, but I know you're I don't want you to, you know, no, don't worry.
No, I'm fine.
I guess I wanted to I wanted to, you know, at least just get get to a good resting spot,
but I wanted to make sure you're OK.
So and oh, but I forgot what I was saying.
What was I?
Oh, the choice.
So because we can't the whole thinking and trying to convince ourselves isn't going to
work to change our lives.
Because here's the thing.
We already all know this stuff, but we know it.
We can we tell it to ourselves.
We tell it to each other.
We teach Sunday school until the kids.
We all know it.
The problem is our lives don't look like it.
Our lives don't look like that's what we actually believe, because we would be doing
different things.
We'd be getting different results.
We'd be getting different outcomes.
God would be moving in a different way.
We would be experiencing God differently.
So apparently, even though we've convinced ourselves, we don't actually truly believe
it in our knower, you know.
So that's why I talked about the choice is we can't live vicariously through God's will.
Oh, do you have a dog?
Can you see her?
Yeah!
How fun!
She is.
She starts tearing, not tearing up, but the carpets.
Let me, just a second, I'll bring her over.
When she gets hungry, she starts messing with the throw rope.
Yes!
Oh, she's so cute!
She is my, she's my Helen Keller dog now.
Oh, really?
I think she's blind.
She doesn't have good eyes, and I don't think she can hear anymore, either.
Oh, sweet thing.
Well, it'd be hard, and you have to have so much trust to be blind and deaf and, you know,
be okay with all the stimulation of being like picked up and moved around.
You're going, I don't know what's going on, but I trust her.
Yeah, I don't want to be up here.
I used to have a little dog, and she was, she was my, she was my little companion.
Well, sorry to distract us, I just, I just noticed your dog, and I was like, oh, I didn't
know you had a dog.
But anyway, you know, James talks about the fact that faith without works is dead.
So if we're not acting like it, then it means that we don't actually, truly believe something.
What frustrated me was, I was like, Lord, I am trying so hard to believe.
So, and I felt that belief was this feeling that it had to make sense to me.
Or in other words, to convince me and then that would shift me into faith.
Or that I felt a particular way because there's this particular feeling that we have associated in us when we believe something.
And that's what we always go to when we wonder, I wonder if I believe that.
And there's this place in us that kind of feels a particular way that we've connected with, oh, that means I believe it.
And it's fascinating how we've associated a particular feeling with indicating to us that we actually believe it.
But that feeling that we call belief or that indicates to us or that we've used to indicate to us or tell us that we believe it,
actually isn't faith and isn't necessary to have faith.
Faith is actually a choice of our will that something is true.
Not that we've been convinced or that we feel confident.
It's actually a willful decision that we're going to choose that as our truth.
You know how that's a big thing right now is, in fact, it especially was in the early 2000s.
It's like, what is your truth and whatever, and how we all just kind of disregarded it.
However, it's actually a powerful way for me to help to describe to people the difference between how we've just been kind of laying there,
just expecting to be convinced of something without us engaging, that it's just going to come upon us.
And why won't God help? You know, God, I want to believe.
So surely my willingness will eventually cause me eventually one day to wake up believing.
Well, that hasn't happened. Or, OK, well, God, you know, surely then I'll be convinced.
I just need to hear enough teachings from the right people where it finally clicks.
And then and then I have faith, you know, then I believe it, then it makes sense.
Or, Lord, you know, you're just going to cause me to believe it one day.
All of those things in a manner of speaking don't require us to engage, don't require us to choose God, and don't require us to choose the truth.
So a way to kind of help us know the difference between what it is that we're used to doing and approaching the Lord going,
OK, God, I'm trying to believe you, versus what God really wants is to choose that what he says is going to be our truth.
And it sounds really weird because we don't use that phrase in Christianity.
We don't use that phrase in the church. That's what, like, not the New Agers.
Who are those people? But just, I don't know, the people who believe that that truth is like this very subjective thing and not an objective thing.
And so I know that it's not a phrase that we're used to hearing that we're used to hearing in these in these terms.
But I believe that it helps us kind of get over our own our own hurdle of and to try to understand how what part we can play in that God requires of us to play.
In other words, that faith requires of us in order to finally believe we have to engage our will.
So God says that there is a particular truth. I wish I had something here. I'll use this.
I don't think that you can see that. So you still can't see that. OK, so God says, OK, I can see.
OK, so let me do this. So God says, like, OK, this is the truth.
And then just pretend, you know, and then he takes his hand off of it. Right.
And he's like, this is what I say is true. Let me do this, because this you can see.
There we go. So God puts it there and he says, this is what's true.
And he puts it there. He takes his hand off and he goes away.
He says, this is what I choose, Ashley. This is who I am.
I am good or I am provider. I am your safety or whatever. He takes his hand off and moves away.
And now he asks you and then he asks us, OK, now what do you say is true?
Because you could choose this or you could choose this.
You know, which one are you going to choose? And I can't put them both on the computer because it'll fall down.
Anyway, so you'll ask, which one do you choose? There's different truths.
You can't live vicariously through. He says, Ashley, you cannot live vicariously through my will.
You can't live vicariously through my truth.
Just because I say it's true does not mean that you're going to get to experience that truth manifest into your life.
You're the one who has to take the risk to choose that in your world, in your kingdom,
by your authority of what's allowed to, of how reality works in your, I don't know, in
your existence, which one do you say is true?
And what I want you to do is I want you to choose that what I say is true really is what's
going to be true in your life.
You choose that this is that you give authority to this truth to be the highest truth, as
opposed to the world's truth that they've presented.
You've got to make a choice.
Which one are you going to live by?
Which one are, which rule or which law are we going to live by my kingdom?
You know, by the kingdom of heaven, or are you going to choose to live by the kingdom
of the world?
Which kingdom are you giving authority and precedence to?
That's not the right word.
There's another word, not precedence, but maybe it is precedent.
Anyway, meaning coming first, precedence, I don't know, I can't think of the word.
Anyway, that it comes, yeah, that it's like the head above the body, you know, it comes
first and it means that they both are existing at the same time, but which one, if they're
in conflict, is going to win?
And you choose that this one will be, that this is the truth by which you're going to
operate, that God is going to be there, create your outcomes and that you aren't, as opposed
to you create your outcomes or whatever, or God says, Ashley, I declare to you that
I am good, but in order for me to manifest my goodness into your life, that I am good
and you don't get to choose what goodness looks like because goodness in Jesus's life
looked like he died.
So, you know, and die that horrible death, you know, so you don't get to choose what
my goodness manifested into your life and into your world, into the kingdom of your
existence looks like, but which, but what truth are you going to give authority to?
And you say, God, I choose this one, but you have, so we can't to, just because God says
he's good, doesn't mean that we get to experience him like that because we're the ones that
God gives the authority to give him permission of how he chooses to, about how he shows up.
Are we going to allow him to be himself with us or are we not?
So are, and so anyway, just because God says that he's something, and just because he says
that you're something, doesn't mean that you get to experience it.
He gave it to you already.
He's like, here it is.
He's like, and this is what I choose, but what do you choose?
So in order for us to experience it, we have to choose it ourselves, meaning that we have
to engage with it.
We have to decide of our own free will.
What are we going to give authority to in our kingdom to affect it, to cause things
to happen?
And we can choose this truth.
The reason why people don't like this truth is because it means they don't have control
of the outcome, but it also means that they don't carry the burden, weight, and the responsibility
of it either, but they don't get to control it and determine it either.
They get to co-counsel with the Lord about it, about the, about the results and the,
and the outcomes and, and whatever.
And sometimes God says, Hey, I like your idea.
Let's do that.
But we're not in complete control and this doesn't allow formula.
It doesn't allow a plug and play of like, I want that result and therefore I'm going
to do it exactly like this.
And I can control the outcome.
God says, you don't get to do that anymore like this, but anyway, and that's why sometimes
people don't choose it, but it's that whole idea of God giving, putting a truth down in
front of us, backing off and saying, okay, now you choose.
We have to reach out and make the decision ourselves so that if, and it's a risk, because
what if this doesn't work?
God didn't make it to make us choose it.
He didn't force it on us.
We chose it, which is why we don't want to do it because we're like, but it, because
we all say that we trust the Lord.
We all say it because we know we're supposed to trust the Lord, but there's a reason why
God wants us to, that there's a reason why we're afraid of him.
There's a reason why we're concerned that, yeah, but God, are you going to cause me,
are you going to, are you going to allow pain or you can allow this or you can allow that?
And we think, and there's reasons why historically by experience that we don't trust him, you
know, et cetera.
So we just have to make the choice.
No, I'm going to choose that he, to allow him to be who he wants to be and who he declares
that he is.
But we have to do it of our own free will.
We have to choose him.
So we can't live vicarious.
So that's what I mean when I say we can't live vicariously through God's choice and
God's will.
God says, this is my choice.
This is my will.
This is how, this is who I am.
So who do you want?
Who do you want to allow?
me to be within your realm of authority, which means your life, you here on earth, your creation,
you know, your kingdom, you know, cause he gave, it says that the heavens are the Lord's
and the earth was given to man.
It says that I think it's in Psalms and says the earth was given to man.
So the earth is ours, your world is yours, meaning like your lifestyle, your, your job
or whatever.
And so, you know, we, we have to, we have to choose, is this what we're going to give
the authority to?
Is this what, are we going to allow him to be this in our, in our kingdom?
Because we're the gatekeeper.
So that's what our choice is doing is it's opening, it's making a decision to open the
gate where we're now vulnerable to, we don't know how he's going to be who he is in our
realm.
So that's what that choice is.
And it's the same thing with the union thing.
We have to, we can't, aren't going to be convinced of it to the point where all of a sudden,
oh my word, I just, I just believe it now and I just live it and I just acted all the
time.
The faith requires, no, I'm going to give it permission that in my world I am unified
with Christ and therefore meaning I get to, I will operate out of that.
We're unified with Christ, whether or not we agree with that, meaning like whether or
not we allow it to operate in our kingdom, but we don't get to receive the benefits of
it unless we allow the benefits of it into our realm, kind of a thing.
That's the choice that we're making.
We're not making a, we're not making a decree that a brand new truth in the universe exists.
God's saying, no, no, no, I'm the one who dictates the truth and I'm telling you which
ones there are.
And there's this one, there's also this one.
So you've got choices here.
Do you choose this or not?
So I'm not going to make you choose it, but you don't get to create your own truth.
You just get to pick which ones I, which ones I've created, you can operate within me or
outside of me.
Which one do you want it to be?
So that helpful at all?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, for years I have read books, you know, I've been, you know, in searching for
truth and understanding, but, and I did learn, you know, and some of the time I think it
was God pointing out insights to me, but it's funny how now I don't, I buy, I still
buy books.
I collect, I'm a collector of books now and I don't, I don't read very much.
Yeah, me neither these days.
And it's kind of interesting because, um, yeah.
And I don't, I mean, I don't partly, I don't have the time or the energy, you know, after
work, um, it's kind of hard to get into a book.
I mean, sometimes I read, but, um, yeah, it's just kind of interesting.
I have all these books, you know, I'm living in a room and I have back there books in drawers,
books all over.
And, you know, I'm thinking, well, I'm probably not going to read a lot of these, but when
I hear the title or something, I think, oh, that's going to be good.
Yeah.
And I just don't read like I used to.
It's kind of, yeah.
Have you found that at all?
Oh, yeah, it's, um, uh, because we're, we're so used to this, this sense that knowledge
is power, you know, that I want a particular life.
And if I learn about all of these things and it's going to change my life and I'm going
to get the life I want or whatever.
So a lot of times, especially when collecting books, whether or not we read them, so whether
people read them or they don't read them, they collect them because they collect them
out of hope that, that, uh, they, they, what determines what we buy is the type of person
that we're hoping to be, we're hoping to become, we're hoping to whatever.
And that gives us hope.
That gives us something that it's inspiring.
It's exciting.
In fact, there's a lot of books that I still have that I know that that's why I'm keeping
them.
In fact, there's some, there's some actual physical things that I have, like beyond books
that are like other material things that are old hobbies that I had, or I've done it once
or something that I want to do or whatever.
And I've gotten rid of most things, um, but there are a few things that I've held onto
and I've been so surprised thinking, actually, you know, you're probably because of the amount
of time that such and such a hobby takes, you know, you're probably not going to do
it again.
I'm like, yes, but it's a part of me that I like.
And it's a part of me that whenever I look at the thing, even if I may not do it, you
know, do that thing.
and express myself in that way, that it symbolizes
and kind of like a rock of remembrance
and a connection point to that part of myself
that I'm just not expressing right now.
And so it's something about myself that I like
and that I'm, I don't wanna say that I'm hoping for,
but that it's an aspect of myself that I enjoy so much
that I do want to allow it to develop.
I'm not quite sure yet,
because there's so many other aspects of me
that are being developed right now.
I'm not sure when that part of me is going to be developed,
but it's a part of me that I, that God has,
it's a part of God in me is what it feels like
that I thoroughly appreciate.
And that at least for me, I rarely even,
some of these things,
because I can like some very unusual things
and are very uncommon things,
is it's a part of God that I see in myself
that I don't get to see elsewhere.
And I like it, you know, I really enjoy it.
I really like engaging with the Lord in that particular way
and expressing myself in that particular way or whatever.
And books can be that,
whether it's about books about the Lord
or about, or about, you know, or not about the Lord.
And it could be about like,
it could be fiction books or nonfiction books or whatnot.
There's some aspect of ourselves that we either,
that we feel that it either,
that we have seen that resonates with who it is
that we feel that we've already come in contact with
and touched with.
And then there's also this part in which
we feel that there's some seed in there
and we'd like to see it developed, you know,
and we feel that that book gives us a hope
or a connection point of that aspect of us
being developed and matured over time.
And so, yeah.
So anyway, that's how I view a lot of the books
that I have right now.
I'm realizing, well, you know,
it's not like I think I'm gonna read those anymore,
but it gives me, and so sometimes I'm just like,
you know what, if I'm really not gonna read that one,
I bought it and I've literally never read it,
I think I can go ahead and give this one away
or, you know, and move on to something else
and be more inspired in the moment
to read a book that I need right now,
that I come in contact with, you know,
at like the right time,
instead of holding on to something
and waiting for the right time,
why not just expand,
why not just be free in my energy
that I have in my time available
that when I'm in a moment and I'm presented with a book,
I just start reading that one right now
because that's where I am right now,
as opposed to waiting so long for like this other time
to come around for me being inspired over there.
And then there are other times I'm like, you know,
I don't know when or if I'll ever read it,
but I do wanna hold on to it right now
because there's an aspect of me
and of what I desire between me and the Lord
to express of the two of us that I eventually wanna see.
And so I hold on to it for a while.
So anyway, but I choose me instead of the books
in a manner of, in a way,
so that I don't look at books
as a way to make myself feel bad
or make myself feel like in a place of lack.
Like, oh, I'm not there yet.
Those types of books are very negative to me
and those I get rid of because they are,
choose that they prompt me to see myself
from a place of lack.
Like, oh, that's somewhere that I wish I were,
but I'm not yet.
That's coming out of agreement with the Lord.
And I'm like, no, I don't want any of that.
If that's gonna trigger me to do that,
it triggered me to perceive things like that
because that book can't get me where I wanna go.
Only God can.
And sure, God can talk to me through the book,
but if that book makes me feel bad about myself now,
and then, you know, that I'm looking at that book
as something outside of God that can,
that has something, how would you put it?
That I'm giving more power than I am to God.
Like that book can get me where I wanna go.
And because it's there and I haven't read it yet,
I'm in lack and oh yeah, I'm not there yet.
And anyway, so that kind of negativity
and that kind of those types of promptings within me,
I pay attention to and I usually get rid of those books
because I'm like, nope, I choose that I and the Lord
am fine and I only keep the books that I am inspired by
and that I feel are in line with and draw me,
just expand me into more of who I already am.
And so in other words,
books that I'm not triggered to approach myself.
in lack run so anyway that's what i try to do i'm not always successful but
anyway that's how i try to do it but yeah it took me a while
well is there anything else before we jump off i don't think so not not for now i mean i have
other sessions with you yes but you're doing good what's that but you're doing good yeah yeah okay
good good i wanted to check and make sure i always enjoy reading your posts and everything
so um i just wanted to make make sure you're more uh you're more quiet and more self-processing than
a lot of other people in the group and so i just wanted to make sure you're doing all right and
that you have what you need feel free to jump in and ask questions if you have questions so
i really do not like anyone to feel like they ever i don't ever want anyone to kind of like fall off
the radar because they like uh they get lost in the crowd just because other people you know post
more often or whatever and so i i get in contact with them more often i'm like i don't want anyone
to be left behind so i always want to check in with the even people that are a little more quiet
and self-processing do you have what you need do you have any questions yeah i am fine yeah okay
great yeah well you're enjoying really enjoying it yeah i'm so glad i'm so glad really enjoying
it enjoying the people yeah they're sweet aren't they i really like them i'm very
very careful about who i have in the in the group and and and that um i'm yeah these are very
special people it's a good group isn't it though i really like these yeah yeah
all right yeah well it's good to get to visit with you christine let me know how everything
goes with um uh with uh your your meeting on friday because it is with the person who would
be your radiologist themselves right your radial oncologist is that what you call them
okay i guess yeah they're called i guess they're called radiation oncologists but okay radiation
oncologists and i guess they're the ones that do the you know radiation therapy yeah yeah yeah
and it's how long how many weeks three weeks at least that's what my surgeon said three weeks
every day five days a week okay yeah okay all right well i have a couple of friends here in
the building who are um you know that i live with around and uh that are going through radiation
right now one of them they're finishing their last one on i think the first week of november she has
uh hers is breast cancer the other ladies is i'm trying to remember which one hers is because
this is her second bout with it um just like yours and so therefore it's in a different place
i know she has tumors in her stomach that's all i know but i didn't think that that was the original
location of the of the cancer so that's why i was very surprised to just to find out she has
she has tumors in her stomach and so there's a lot of fluid that's building up that she has to go in
sometimes and have drained you know at the er whatever and she's always so cheerful and so sweet
and always has um always looking at it from such a a a very you know cheerful and positive and
faithful disposition but she is she's just really really very um very tired this is like i said this
is her second time going through it and it's really hard it's been very hard on her body
but on this other lady it hasn't been very it hasn't been nearly as hard and she was all prepared
for it to be a lot worse but you know she's just been praying about it and the lord's just made it
made her journey easier than our friends so the two of them talk together and and and whatever
but anyway so i'm i've got like people that i like physically am seeing and asking questions
of like so how do you assure radiation going and how many more weeks do you have
and um their their bodies are handling it differently but they're both very faith-filled
and believing the lord for healing and all of that and so and then i have you that i'm praying for
and and casey and everything so yeah yeah thank you yeah very much appreciated
yeah yeah well please let me know how it goes on friday like that it whether you liked the
doctor how you felt and felt comfortable with them or whatever so yeah yeah well good yeah
well it was good to see you you're welcome i'll see you tomorrow night yeah right okay bye bye
you