I am going to go ahead and turn off my alarm.
Good morning Ashley.
Good morning everyone.
I am a few minutes late.
I had my alarm set for the wrong time.
I thought I had it set for 30 minutes before we met.
Instead I had it set for three minutes before we met.
I thought I had it set for 30 minutes before we met.
She said do you have your call in two minutes?
I said I do.
I thought I had it set for 30 minutes.
How are you?
I am feeling a bit rushed right now.
I had to get on for work.
I had to take my dog for a walk and hop on here.
Have you changed your hair recently?
I have changed my hair.
I have dyed my hair and colored on Saturday.
I meant to say something yesterday.
Is it just the lighting?
It looks great.
Thank you.
I was talking to my hair gal.
At least you have affirmation.
You have to keep coloring it.
You do highlights, right?
I do highlights and lowlights.
I do full hair.
My hair is naturally,
it is natural.
It is natural.
As I have gotten older,
it has gotten darker.
It is the color of my eyebrows.
I do highlights and lowlights.
It adds character and depth.
That is what I do.
I do highlights and highlights.
I do highlights so I can style it better.
I have noticed that makes a huge difference.
Instead of it being virgin,
where there is nothing on it,
it is so slick when it is virgin.
My hair is so fine,
it falls.
My hair is so fine,
it falls.
It lets me style it the way I want to.
How have you been?
What has been going on?
I have gotten updates periodically.
You gave us an update yesterday.
Just us by ourselves now?
How has it been going?
It has been kind of strange.
Thinking of having the radiation treatments.
It is going to be time-consuming.
I have to drive to Berkeley
from where I live.
That could be 20 or 30 minutes.
Every day for three weeks.
That means,
I have to drive to Berkeley.
That affects my work.
How does that work?
When you go and do that,
do they have to have someone with you
to drive you back?
Do you feel tired?
No, they don't.
I asked about that.
They said I would be able to work.
I could drive myself.
Probably in the second or third week,
I will start feeling the fatigue.
And the burn.
I have a, I'll have a prescription for, you know, some sort of lotion.
And I also bought one, you know, it's kind of like over-the-counter type.
What's the burn that you experience? Is it on your skin or inside or?
On my skin.
Okay, just in that area or all over?
It sounds like just in that area. Yeah, it's like a sunburn, you know, and it peels and
Really? Yeah.
Interesting. Now, is it, is it kind of, I'm trying to, I've never like fully asked,
you know, all of the questions. Is it like a, kind of like an IV or something?
Or is it just like, like some kind of a light, like, you know, radiation that just,
that is just penetrated on a particular part of your body? Like what exactly is it?
Yeah, it's a machine that, that moves around somehow. And they have,
when I was there, I mean, I was with the radiation tech for gosh, it must have been
hour, hour and a half. And she got me all mapped out. You know, you have to be in the same position
each time. So like, I had to have my arms up, and they had this thing that sets where my arms are.
And she tattooed me in four spots. And, and so the so but the kind of the scary thing is this
is on my left side, and that my heart is on my left side. Yeah. So I have to hold my breath for
20 seconds, because that raises that. Yeah. And then, yeah, so it's kind of, it's a bit scary,
you know, it could. But I guess they're really good about how they do it. So they don't get your
heart. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. But it still is a bit funny now. Yeah, yeah, they get it just right. So
yeah. Yeah, so it'll be good to have it over. So next week, next Monday, I start and
two days next week, we're going into the company. So it's going to be a bit I may have to change my
times for the radiation. Because, you know, I really need to be at those meetings, because
we haven't been together for a couple years now. My word, really? Wow. So you haven't gotten to be
in person with any of your co workers for two years. There, when I went in to get my stuff,
see, we, we moved out of our office. I mean, I had to go pick up my stuff. So I saw the pharmacist
and the pharmacy tech. And that was it that I work for. So just those No, I haven't. And new
people have been hired that I haven't met. So but the unfortunate thing is, I'm just with the IT
people, I won't be able to see the nurses and the social workers. And, you know, those people that
I work for the pharmacist. So that's kind of unfortunate, because I spend more time with them.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, maybe you'll get to you'll get to soon. But I know that y'all have developed
some special relationships, you know, just having to connect, you know, over
because there's some way in which even when you're like, if you're not together, that you
have there's it requires some intentionality of like, chatting back and forth or emailing or
or whatever. So I know y'all developed some good relationships.
Yeah, there was one, the nurse that I work with the most, we live pretty close by. So we did
meet and have fun. Yeah, I met with her husband. And yeah, so that that was really cool.
Yeah, felt good working relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is really good. So
um, yeah, so next week, two of those meetings, one is smaller, smaller group. And then all of
the IT people, the second one. So I don't want to miss those. Yeah, so you can move your
appointments around. Yeah, yeah. Let's see. Yeah. So that's I mean, I think that's going to be
possible. So but I've gained weight, you know, and I need to lose weight.
I hate to see people when I've gained weight. I know we all do.
Lou. Yeah, yeah. So but it'll be really, it'll be really good
to see people. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm glad for you. Glad that
you're gonna get to have that. Yeah. Well, um, is there? I
don't know. How has the rest intensive been for you? You
know, based off of what you, you know, came in for? How is it
going towards, you know, the goal that you were trying to get,
you know, for yourself, what it was that you were wanting from
it, you know, how are you on all of that, between you and the
Lord? Like,
I think I need to put more effort. I know, you're not
supposed to do effort. But I think I know, I know what you're
saying. More intentionality. Yeah, more intentionality. And
um, yeah, I mean, I work such long hours. And yeah, so I
would. I mean, I would listen to the videos more, spend more time
with the Lord. You know, I think those two things and, you know,
I had this zoom call on Saturday, with two Bible school
leaders in one in Sri Lanka, and one in India, and with my pastor
friend. So I on December 8, I give a like 15 to 20 minute
message to the Bible school students in India. Well, they're
they're scattered all over the world. And then in January, I
have a four week class on evangelism and missions for
students for the Bible school in Sri Lanka. So cool. Isn't it
cool? Yeah. 15 of the students are in Sri Lanka. And about 15
is about half and half are maids scattered around the
world. Okay. I don't know what countries they're in. But and
they're in situations where they're not allowed to go out.
Isn't that strange? Yeah. So anyway, so that is coming up.
And it it kind of I mean, it's a motivation to, you know, really
be close to the Lord. Yeah, because I can't do it otherwise.
Yeah. And there's no point in doing it otherwise. Because I
mean, it's like, okay, in the during the week, after work, I,
I watch TV, I watch this three programs. So, you know, I think
that has to change if I'm ever going to have time to prepare
for these, you know, these talks. So that's such a good
opportunity. I mean, yeah, very exciting. Very, very cool. Yeah,
very excited for you about that. Yeah, so I mean, it's
like, I talked to the Lord all day, you know, a good deal of
the time anyway, you know, and it's, it's like, it's just me
and my dog. So yeah, another adults to talk to you. So you
talk to God. My dog and God. Yeah, so yeah, I mean, it gets
kind of lonely because I mean, the people I live with, see, I
live with a family who were from my former church. But they, I
don't feel invited to, you know, it's not like, I'm part
of the family or anything. In fact, the daughter was going to
Florida, she's working as an intern at Disneyland. And she
was going so I went out by the car, you know, and stood there
and was the garage and to say goodbye to her. And she said,
Do you mind? I want to have some family time now.
With the daughter, the mother said that the daughter said
that.
Good night.
Well, I mean, it wouldn't have been Yeah, I mean, if either one
of them said it, but I was just curious as to which one.
Sorry. Yeah. So it's that kind of Yeah, situation where I feel
very uninvited. And the dad he knew, he followed me after she
left. After she drove away, the dad came back and apologized. He
understood how I felt. But I mean, I just, you know, it's
like, the daughter has been like that with me. Like, she's
real snooty. I was gonna say it sounds like she's probably just
that, like, she's kind of like that with everyone. So like, if
she would have the audacity to say that to someone, and I
thought, she's practiced at this. Yeah. And it's like her
mom goes along with it. But anyway, so just to say that, you
know, even though I'm living with a family, I'm not part of
the family. And my mind just flew in. Oh, wow. So, I mean,
it's good. I have a private entrance. What is it? I'm sorry,
it was a B, B fluid. Wow. So who knows where he is now? Go
ahead. You have a private entrance. Yeah. So I mean,
that's, that's, you know, that's really good. The only time I
really need to go through the house is when I do my laundry in
the ground. And yesterday,
what's that? You have to use the kitchen? No, which is I have a
hot plate. Oh, microwave oven, microwave in a toaster oven that
I use. And this is going to sound gross, but I wash my
dishes in the bathroom sink. Yep.
That's what you got. Yeah. So I mean, it's kind of it's kind of
cozy. And yeah. But you know, it's just not, I thought of
moving, you know, because when you feel like you're not welcome
in a place. I've got such a beautiful view. Yeah, I don't
know if I could show you probably not. Like I, I have
this deck out here. And I can see San Pablo Bay. It's a out
here and across to the land on the other side. And it's, you
know, it's just a when I sit here and work, you know, my work
monitors are over here. So I just have a really, you know,
really nice view.
Yeah. Yeah, it's really a gift. Yeah. You know, I've
Yeah, so I mean, I talk with people, you know, from work. And
you know, things are really changing. And that's when I was
talking about the complaining. And it's kind of interesting. I
got an email from this guy last night. And there, he wants me to
he wants me to show him all the workflows. And I started to, and
the boss over care management said, Yeah, meet with Chris so
that we can know what to do for optimization. So that means
changes, lots of changes coming down the road. So it's, I mean,
it's good, but they kind of landed a lot of changes on care
management. And I kind of take up for them. I'm kind of an
advocate for them just kind of happened that way. So like the
week before last, they, they were kind of in shock over some
things that were said at the meeting by this physician who's
over our program. Yeah, it was like, the medical assistants in
the offices aren't consistent in their job. So we'll have the
care managers or the coordinators do this one
particular job for them. And you know that, of course, the
nurses would not like that. Yeah, you know, that's not
anyway. So, you know, we were, we talked this was week before
last.
the Friday before this last Friday, so,
you know, they were they were all.
There's three of them that I meet with and they were not.
Happy after that, we had a kind of a debriefing after after that meeting,
they said, let's have debriefing, so they were they were not happy.
So this last week when we met and there was another change,
a couple more changes.
The manager said.
I don't have anything to say,
you know, it's kind of like it's just too much and then
the the other one said, I'm just and she had really vented one at one of the weeks.
And so I was the the one that.
Was kind of.
I mean, you have to talk about the things, but then I
I think I got to the point where I was really complaining, which doesn't really
help them.
Around out there, we go now it flew out, so he flies in and flies out.
Go ahead.
So.
So I just felt like I.
Like.
Going with the flow with the Lord, you know, like just knowing that, OK,
there's going to be a lot of changes and I can't resist them or fight against them
in my mind or, you know, emotions or anything.
There's some things that, you know,
this one change that they were talking about with having
the nurses do something that the medical assistant should do.
And.
The manager spoke with her boss and her boss.
No, no, no, you're not going to do that.
So there's some things that, you know,
you can talk about and, you know, they'll they'll get fixed, hopefully.
But.
Yeah, so, I mean, like my goal at work is
to really love the people and serve the people that I work with.
And I mean, I really do love them all.
Yeah. And.
So.
Yeah, so.
Yeah, I think there's going to be a lot of.
Changes coming and.
When I first started this job, it was
like I was always afraid I wouldn't be able to do it because I remember.
Yeah, but now it's like
it's OK because I have this tech support person.
Like I'm meeting with her later this morning, I think at nine, I might be
meeting with her at nine, well, right after.
I better check just to make sure I don't.
Miss.
That meeting
and what time is it there, is it is it eight thirty that we that we had our time
set for it because it's eleven thirty for me.
So I was well now, of course, it's time is that it's like twelve.
Yeah, it's about nine here.
Hang on just a second.
I better check because I don't want to.
We have to.
No, no, my phone.
Isn't.
Now it's not letting me get in there.
OK, good.
All right.
So, yeah, I do have the nine thirty meeting.
Yeah, which is twelve thirty your time.
Anything. Yeah, just it's good to make sure.
I didn't get a chance to really look at my calendar this morning, had to do some
work things right off, but yeah, so I'm I'm kind of.
I wouldn't say overwhelmed, but.
I have a lot, a lot on my plate and then with the radiation therapy coming up, so
as far as the rest intensive, I mean, it's so good to have the community,
you know, and I'm sure Casey feels the same.
I know she feels the same way and.
You know, just digging deeper, I mean,
because I went through all of those twelve or thirteen videos, but and I've
listened to one and two.
to, and then I jumped to five, and I saw the importance of
going back over them.
Get all kinds of things the second, third time. Yeah.
And it's, it's not like I have that many questions about them.
I mean, because they're, you know, it's like, Oh, this is
really good. And but I still feel like there's some
resistance in me. I don't know what it is exactly. I mean, you
know, like, I want the Lord to have, you know, full control,
and, and all that there's. And I don't know if there's still a
fear that he's not all that good. I don't know. Because I,
you know, I've experienced so much of his goodness. Yeah, I
know. I have too. And yet I come into yet another situation.
And sometimes I remember that he's that good. And other times
I forget, you know, it's like the Israelites, you know,
sometimes we do we just forget. So yeah, that's, that's very so
what you're experiencing, you know, is very normal. It's just
like, you know, we doubt whether or not he really is that good.
Yeah.
Yeah. And, you know, like I talked about, he was my planner.
And I'll, I think last week, I got a call from my ophthalmologist
saying that Stanford re negotiated the contract with my
health plan. And now they're back. But now I've switched
medical groups. And I have treatment lined up. So I can't
go back to Stanford healthcare. So and, and God knows about all
of that. So maybe there's a reason why I am not with
Stanford anymore. I mean, the care was great. People, you
know, were great. So, but I've got to stick with this other
one now, because I have the treatments coming up and, you
know, lots of other appointments.
Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. And, and, you know,
you're, you're thinking about it absolutely correctly. It's that
God, you know, he knows about all of that. He's still he's,
he's protecting you, you're not threatened by your environment,
meaning like, whether, whether you're with Stanford, or not
with Stanford, or was with Stanford, and therefore, you
know, it could take care of me. And now I've switched because I
thought that I had to, and they come to find out it's now still
available, it's now available again. And, but now I'm without
it. And that all of those situations, what we have to
realize is it just means that God is going to change, it's
changing, or working with a new structure in the environment,
you know, Stanford versus not Stanford, you know, it's totally
different way through which many can flow and insurance
people that you'll be dealing with and systems and processes,
etc. And it's just a different structure, that God is that God
is allowing to be part of the process, as he provides for and
protects you, you know, gives you what it is that you need,
and, and etc. So I've just I've just learned that remember, it's
not the insurance, you know, in health, the health systems that
actually are, that we need, and that have the power to save us
or this power to protect us or the whatever, or just aspects of
creation that are being allowed to be part of the journey. But
our journey is still the same as always being taken care of by
God, and we stand and we still have the same manner speaking
spiritually, we have the same experience in the journey,
regardless of whether regardless of physically, whether it's, you
know, is with Stanford or not, or the doctors be helpful, or
very frustrating, or I don't know, whatever the situation is,
and with this hospital now, and with this one, and they keep
moving me around, and then they keep changing the appointments
on me and they keep whatever, those are just, that's just a
structure through in an environment in which we're
foreign to it. And therefore, we can call on the kingdom that we
are part of, and not victim to the decisions that are
all made in this foreign land that we're in, but, you know, we just get to, we allow it to
be part of our process and be some of the stuff that we, you know, end up walking through we're
doing or, you know, taking our time in and scheduling and people we're meeting along the
way, et cetera, but they're not determining and having the power over our protection and provision
that they can't threaten. So it's, and we can say all of that, but the way that we actually
get to live the peace of it, in other words, the rest of it and rest in it is if we realize that
it's just something that's part of our experience, but it's not, but what it is that we receive from
the Lord doesn't change with, as this changes, this is always still the same, but, but things
just look differently down here. And what we've been taught is that we're supposed to be very
vigilant and watch how things change down here. And we need to adjust accordingly in order to
make sure that we're safe. And it's not the case. We can just stay steady and let everything else
around us just, just shift as it wants to. And then of course we just shift with it. We're like,
okay, Lord, you know, so this is the situation change. So now what do you want me to do? I was
doing this, but the situation changed, the structure changed. So should I start doing this
now? But it doesn't mean that you went from being unprotected to now trying to find another mode of
protection that still stays the same, that security. And so that's where we find our rest
is to not rely on and be dependent on, um, the, the structure and give it more power and
significance than it actually has. So we don't want to give it this power and significance of,
oh, it can save me. It can fix me. I'm safe with this insurance company. I'm not safe with this
other one, or this one is easier. And therefore I'm more likely to be okay than I, if financially
or whatever, or, you know, and I'm less likely to be okay here. Well, no, they're not providing
that for us. God is. And so God just adjust the structure through which he operates on earth
based off of how all of this is changing, you know, but he's still going to find his modality.
Uh, it, that he's going to find a modality in order to accomplish his will and his will and
what it is that he's desiring to accomplish for you. Isn't it going to change? It's just going
to maybe change, you know, which, which modality he picks to operate through. So, and that's how
we stay in rest regardless of what's going on here. So, yeah, it's the, I mean, a mindset
for sure. Yeah. And it's also like, I, I, like, I keep saying it's this it's, and I wish I could
remember how I worded it last night, but it's a, it's a, Oh, it's choosing that that's how our
world operates. It's making the decision that, okay, my world and the world that I, you know,
the, just the world that I exist in operates according to these principles. So sure. Uh,
this could have changed for me. The doctor said that, that I had this insurance. Now I couldn't
have, I don't have that insurance. And then now they're saying, Oh, it's available again, but
because they said it wasn't available earlier, I now set up all of these treatments under my new
insurance. And, uh, and then, so we can kind of, we can kind of be tempted to believe that, okay,
well, maybe I don't have the best deal. Maybe this is not the wisest, or maybe something could
happen. And over here, it's less of a risk than over here. It's higher risk. It's higher of a
risk. You know, I don't know, but we just, and we just choose with the Lord note, if he says that
he always protects me, then it might look like it or not you're on earth, but that doesn't change
the fact that he's still doing it. I choose that I am currently protected, even though I don't feel
like it. And even though I don't see it, even though I think I need money and need food and
need, you know, this appointment or whatever, if, if God is going to pro and can, can, can provide
for me and does provide for me what all of these other things were going to provide.
provide for me, food, money, health, whatever. And, and we're
what we thought that those things were going to give us
safety, security, etc. God's like, I provide your safety and
security. So you're so even though the world is denying you
it down here doesn't mean that I've denied you that.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the thing is to get ahold of that right in
the circumstance, isn't it? Yes, that's where you where
everything changes. Because it's a friend of mine refers to it as
writing a new record. It's like it's similar to it's because the
last time you were in that experience or that situation,
and it may not look exactly like that, right. But it was
something similar to the experience that you're currently
having or the environment that you're currently in. There was
something that it reminds you of. And in the past, the belief
that you got was you the meaning that you attributed to what you
went through, you determined to say X, Y, and Z about God, or X,
Y, and Z about yourself. And so now God will put you allow you
to be in a similar situation and say, Okay, now make a different
choice. Now choose that what I say is true, not what you had
believed earlier, the last the last time that you were in this
situation. So it's right. It's what, like I said, it's what my
friend referred to as writing a new record. And making it's
like, and it's not like changing the situation, but you're
changing the meaning of the situation you're finding
yourself in. Before we attributed one meaning to it,
we said, Well, God, it means therefore that God is X, Y, and
Z. And he says, No, you know, choose instead that I am who I
say that I am. So be back in that situation to make a
different choice about who I am. That it doesn't tell you and it
doesn't mean that I'm not who I say that I am, because last time
you believe that it did say that, and now choose that it's
not true. Not try to believe it, because you know, that is what
we've tried our whole lives. And that doesn't work. It's you
make a decision that nope, that will that is not true in my
life. Meaning like I make it so I make that whatever God says is
true about me really is true.
Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
But yeah, so it's like a it's a position that you make in your
in yourself to in this like this determination that Nope, this is
what reality is. So it is a mindset sort of, it's, but it's
more than like remembering. Because remembering is not the
same thing as making a decision. Oh, sorry, I think I'm not
sitting up straight enough. And it's not making a decision. I
mean, is making it just, I don't remember how I started,
but that, that just simply like believing that you should think
something doesn't mean that you're going to end Oh,
remembering that's what what is I was talking about, is that
just if you remember that something is true, that's not
the same thing as it's not the same thing as having chosen and
decided that that is actually reality. You know, remembering
is not the same thing. Remembering can help just, you
know, bring to mind again, intentionally, something that
you have the opportunity to choose. But remembering isn't
enough. You still have to make that intentional act of your
will, that you have the authority to make of, hey, this
is what I have. Oh, sorry, determined to be true. I'm
sorry, I had caffeine and everything I had, like, maybe it
didn't have enough. I thought I had plenty. I had plenty of
caffeine. Anyway, I just drank me and my friend and I just
drank two pots of tea. They're little pots that still maybe it
wasn't enough. Maybe I only had two cups of tea and maybe I
should have had more. Anyway, I'm trying to sit up because you
know that they say that yawning comes from when there's not
enough blood to your brain. So that's why I keep thinking I
need to sit up straighter so I can get blood to my brain. But
anyway, and so hopefully that's helpful is that, you know,
remembering isn't just enough. Because we all know what it is
that we should believe. And even when we remember it, though, our
lives still aren't reflecting what it what they should. If we
really did believe the thing if we really did have faith. So
remembering isn't enough.
actually have to have faith in the thing, meaning that we have
to intentionally choose that for ourselves, that is our truth.
Is that whatever God says is true, really is true.
That's a whole different ballgame, isn't it? Rather than
just giving an assent to the truth? You know, like, yeah,
than just saying, Okay, I believe this, but it's, it's,
it's. Yeah, it's more than that, isn't it?
Yes, it's a very intentional engagement with the thing. And
it requires something of us as opposed to trying to what I
refer to as trying to live vicariously through God's will,
like, okay, God, if you say that, that's true. And if you
say, you know, well, then I guess it was just going to
happen, you know, so I'll, I guess I'll just get to see it.
And that's just not and God's like, No, I want you to make
the make the choice to that you're going to allow the truth
that I've spoken to be the authority in your world, to be
what causes things to happen as they do, you have to make the
choice in order for in order for those things to be allowed to
follow the principles of heaven, in your life, you have
to give them permission to operate like that in your world.
And the way that you do that is you have to choose to submit
yourself to the consequences of those in other words, the
results of those principles being in operation, and no
longer try to control your world by following the principles of
this world.
Yeah.
Say that again, submit yourself to know, I can't read that I
wrote,
submit yourself.
No, what did what did I say? What did you, what do you have?
So I said, you said something about submit yourself to the
consequences.
Oh, yes. So submitting yourself to the consequences. In other
words, the results are the outcome of the principles of the
kingdom of heaven.
Like you have to you're like, okay, well, in following the
principles of the kingdom of heaven, I will allow those to
have the authority in my kingdom. In other words, in my
world, in my experience in my existence in my life.
And what however they end, whatever they end up causing,
I'm going to allow that I'm going to live with however it is
that they affect my life. And they're the things that have
permission to create the results in my life. But in order
for us to submit to those principles, one of the things
that it requires is a lack of our control. And then as opposed
to us trying to control our world through and giving the
principles of the kingdom of this world, permission,
permission to be to show up and cause things to happen in our
life.
Yeah, we choose instead the principles of God.
Yeah.
I'm just writing some things down here.
Yeah, you're fine.
You know, oh, I was gonna, I wrote something down. I don't
know when one of the meetings we had, but
that was from yesterday.
It's almost like, this is on the first, that wanting God to
overpower me. So I don't have to be responsible and make choices.
You know, it's, it's like, correct, or find that, you know,
like, God, take control. Yeah. But then I'm not. Yeah, just
Yeah, just letting. I have to take responsibility. And make
choices. And I think that that is something. And, you know, you
said, God does not force me, I have to choose. And I guess a
lot of times, I didn't feel like I had a chooser or something,
you know, like, correct. That's the thing. That's the problem.
We do.
Not, we either think that we're not allowed to have it, or we've, we've lived
like this so long, we forget that we have it and we forget that we forget how to
choose, we don't, I mean, you know, anybody like, you know, just forgets that
we actually have that power to make a choice and we're so used to dis to
disregarding it, that we feel guilty whenever any sense of free will starts
rising up within us, because we think, oh, well, you know, that we've come to be
to identify that as being as, as being us trying to act autonomously, you know, as
if we're God or something like that, you know, and, and know our free will is
simply something that God gave us, and he holds it is actually very, very sacred.
It's one of the things that he holds to be one of the most sacred things is our
free will, and he doesn't want to violate that.
And, and, but it, so that gets, so it's a great gift that he gives us and he
desires us to use that as his son to make the choices of what he's declared to be
true.
Um, but there with it comes the responsibility of the fact that we have
to be responsible for our own choices.
We have to make choices.
We have to be intentional about it and we have to risk things.
And we're afraid that, you know, um, uh, that we have, we're afraid that that
of bearing consequences for something and being alone in, in having to bear the
consequences, being unprotected and provided for, because we made an
intentional choice.
And the thing is that we're not, uh, that we're not that in sonship, we're, we're
never alone, even when we've made, uh, we're safe less than ideal choices.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
God still, we're still like a child that is in a, in, in being provided a safe
environment by its parents to learn, you know, but we think, Oh no, I'm abandoned.
And I'm alone to have to bear this concept, to bear any consequences of the
mistake that was born, um, all by myself.
And I was in that mistake was born simply the fact that I was just, I was trying,
I was trying to do, um, uh, I was trying to, um, well, I think of, uh, how to, how
to word that, but anyway, anyway, so hopefully that makes sense.
But it, I mean, when I think about, okay, I have a free will and, and I mean, I've
experienced God as being kind and not pushy.
And sometimes I still don't make, you know, I'm, I'm talking about things like
what I eat and how I spend money and those smaller, I mean, this quote, smaller
things.
And, um, now I forgot what I was going to say.
Um, but if you've, you know, it's like, but when you feel like you, you have, I
mean, it's a good feeling to feel like you really can make choices that, you
know, he does, he he's kind and gentle and allows you to make choices, even
choices that aren't the best for you.
Um, but it's not like he's condemning.
And I think for so many years, I felt like he was condemning, you know, and now
I don't, you know, it's not like I, I don't feel that, but, you know, and he's
being so kind and letting me make choices, but I still make wrong ones, you
know, it's, it's kind of, um, you know, like, okay, I know I'm not, I shouldn't
have sugar because of the cancer.
Sugar feeds cancer.
Yeah.
So what did I do?
I bought a cherry pie.
I know we do stuff like that.
Yeah.
And, um, you know, it's, um, but just, I mean, maybe it's good for a time to, to
feel his kindness.
kindness and his grace. And then, but then, I need to start
taking responsibility for my choices. Not just think he's
going to overpower me and, and you know, the Holy Spirit. Yeah,
yeah, you know, easy. Yeah, I think that's, that's what I have
thought that, you know, when, when people experience oneness
with God, then it's going to be easy, then it's going to, it's
going to make it all easy. No more struggle. I think that's a
picture I had, you know, hearing about Christians who experienced
that. But yeah, you don't hear so much about. After that, they
still had to make choices. They still have a flesh and spirit.
And yeah, yeah, very true. No, you're absolutely right. Yeah. I
know we we do all think that that Oh, yeah, well, it'll just
be it'll just be easy then. But God requires responsibility of
our choice, because he desires is to co create with them. And
that takes an aspect of that, you know, maturity of
intentionality of, of putting our own, you know, will and
creativity, and it requires us. So we can't interact with him
and interact with life, not showing up to the table. You
know, we actually have to show up in order to co create with
the Lord, so that we're not so that we're not babies anymore
with him where he's doing everything because, like I was
talking about the other day, we lose, we lose control. Because
meaning and not that not not that even with the Lord, we have
control. But what I mean is like, we don't get to exercise
our, our will. Because we're always our will is is over. I
don't want to say it's overpowered, but our will is
overshadowed by whatever by his will, whatever he wants. And
it's an ours in a manner of speaking, isn't that well, it's
not, it's not taken as much into consideration, just like a
baby is just picked up and put down and fed and, you know, put
down to sleep and all kinds of things that it doesn't want to
do, which is, you know, why cries when it's put down? It's
like, I don't want this. So sorry, I thought that was my
husband coming home. But it's not, you know, well, I don't
want this and and I don't want to do this right now. I want
something else right now. And, and the baby doesn't get a
choice. And is that how we want to sure it has everything taken
care of for it has no responsibility. But it also
doesn't have any contribution. Like it doesn't get to decide
something. I mean, it has a contribution, in fact, it has
value. And you know, everyone loves the baby, it feels and it
feels loved and people receive a sense of love from it and all of
that. But it doesn't get to decide that how late it wants to
stay up and if it wants to play golf and, and, you know, and it
doesn't get to decide what it wants to eat. You know, if mom
is feeding it peas, that's what it has to eat, you know, peas
or carrots, and sure it confess all at once. And the mom's just
going to keep working with it and be like, Okay, well, if you
don't have peas, well, then we're gonna have carrots. No, we
can't have cherry pie, you know, it just like, you know, mom is
the one who gets to decide. So it's us with the Lord's, we talk
about the fact and we act like we want God to take care of
everything. But then we also insist on being able in other
areas on like, God, why won't you let me do what I want to do?
And he's like, because that's the you've chosen that that's
not the relationship you want with me, you want me to take
care of everything, meaning like, you want to deny yourself
your the right and the privilege of operating in your will. So
so anyway,
yeah, yeah.
And once we discovered this, as hard as it is to shift into,
you know, because it's like, Oh, my word, I have to give up this,
that and the other. Once you once you once we discover the
freedom of living life a different way, where Yes, you
are responsible for your own actions, etc. Once we discover
that nobody wants to go back to go back to the whole God was
just
doing everything because all of a sudden you've discovered this world of freedom that, yes,
takes maturity and responsibility, but man, there's so many benefits.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's good. And my dog is, just a second.
She does all sorts of stuff with the carpets, you know, these little throw rugs.
Yeah, and she just tears them up to try to like nest. Yeah, my dog can nest.
So cute. Yeah, she's wanting to eat. I mean, I think I told you she's deaf now.
Yes, little thing. She doesn't hear.
Yeah. And the way that she lets me know she wants to go to the bathroom or eat or anything is by
scratching. Oh, I see. Because she knows that that'll get your attention.
Oh, you're okay. Okay.
And do you have a meeting now? Oh, what time is it? Is it 9 30, I think?
Yeah. Okay. It's 9 30. Yeah.
So I better let you go. Yeah. Thank you, Ashley.
You're welcome. Always good to chat. And I hope it was helpful.
Oh, yes. Yes. Good way of life. That is for sure. I know.
Well, you take care and I'll see you in the group. I hope you have a good meeting.
Yeah. Thank you. Bye.