Excuse me.
Oh.
Hi Ashley.
No, that's fine.
How are you.
And how are you doing good. What time is it there is it like 730. Yeah. Is it still dark.
Oh no, no. Okay.
It's. Is it, is it dark at 730, where you are. No, it's just that you, you have your curtain closed in behind you.
Maybe it was just hard.
No, no.
Yeah, I just got up a little while ago. So, okay.
Well you already looked bright eyed and bushy tailed so.
And I was going to grab my notes.
My dog just woke up, and she gets a greenie in the morning. Hang on justice. Oh sure. Yeah.
And she's waiting over here.
She's got her breakfast but she's going to have to wait.
Oh,
there you go.
There you go.
All right, hold on I was going to get something to write on.
Yeah, no.
Yeah. Okay.
Sorry I'm set now. No, you're fine. So how have you been.
Good.
I'm having trouble with my, my right eye.
And I've had trouble with it before it's all. You can't probably tell but it's all, it's red and puppy.
And I'm a bit concerned because the last time I saw the eye doctor. He said it was pink guy, but I don't think it was pink guy really.
And if it happens again.
We'll have to do lab which means biopsy.
Yes.
And I was, I was. Well, I've had this.
What sounds extreme.
Yeah, well, the thing was, well, that's too involved but he
I missed an appointment, because, you know, I forgot I had an appointment with him one time.
And it's like he's been angry at me.
I'm sorry.
So, like I, when I went in there.
When I had this. I think the last time, time before this.
He just looked at it didn't really examine me and said, think I gave me a prescription.
So then.
So,
and the last and see, he always used to check me for glaucoma.
And the last time I went in, you know, my eye was OK, it wasn't red.
So not like this, but anyway, so he wasn't even going to check my eye pressure.
So I asked him to check the eye, you know, it's kind of weird.
I'm sorry. Did you need to get another doctor?
I'm kind of thinking that.
Just one that you feel.
I mean, that's it's a.
It really does mean a lot when we feel like we can, like,
trust the people that we're getting help from, you know?
And so regardless of whether or not what you're saying is true,
if you don't feel like it's true, you know, if you don't feel safe,
you don't feel comfortable, then it makes the whole situation really challenging.
So, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. So
there's another there's a couple other doctors there.
One of them is really nice, really a young guy.
And he had diagnosed, well, that there was skin was coming off my cornea.
Hmm. I never heard.
I didn't know I had skin on my cornea.
Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe that's how we refer to it, but maybe it's just like that.
So, yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, and I really liked him. Oh, good.
Yeah. So I'm going to see if I can get an appointment with him.
That's a good idea. Yeah.
Yeah. So, yeah.
So that's and today I start my radiation therapy.
I was going to ask when when do you start?
Because I thought it was really soon.
I thought if you hadn't already, that it was like this week or something.
Yeah. Well, I hope it goes well now.
Remind me, this is your second bout with cancer.
Have you had radiation before?
No. OK.
I somehow got the impression that this was like you hadn't done this before.
But no, because I
when they did the lumpectomy before, there weren't clear margins,
so they had to do a mastectomy.
Oh, OK. So if you get a mastectomy,
they don't do radiation.
Oh, OK. There's no need to do radiation.
I didn't know that. OK.
Well, I mean, it makes sense. It's just. Yeah.
So this time
they had clear margins when they did the surgery.
So that's why they're, you know, doing that. Yeah. So.
Yeah, haven't had this before.
It's going to be interesting.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, remind me, we'll pray before and before we go and about it
that you just feel have comfort
and during the process and,
you know, our body responds well to it and and doesn't have
and doesn't have those, you know, unpleasant adverse effects of radiation,
you know, where you just don't feel good afterwards and stuff.
So hopefully. Yeah. Yeah.
So I want to keep working.
Yeah. I remember you saying that. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So, I mean, I'm I would
I would say. I'm
I'm at peace about it, but there's still a little bit of anxiety, like,
yeah, how am I you know, how how is my body going to like you were saying,
how's my body going to react to this?
And, you know, hopefully I can keep working.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So what would you like to go over today?
Is it is it that or is it what aspect of that or is it
something else that, you know, what would you like to kind of focus on?
Well. You brought up something really interesting last night
about how we rehearse beforehand and after
rehearse and reply. Yeah.
I do that a lot.
Do you really? Yeah, very common.
Yeah. And I hadn't.
You know, I hadn't really.
Especially, I mean.
I mean, not so heavy on the rehearse,
but on the replay replay, like if if I if I think,
oh, I didn't say that right or they probably took that wrong or, you know.
Mm hmm. I do that a lot.
The replay and, you know, overanalyze maybe
maybe not as bad as before as. Yeah.
But still some really.
lies in things. And it's like, Lindsay in her Facebook Live
said, you know, it was more wondering if she was pleasing
God. And you know, it was more than mine is more people
pleasing. You know, like, like, say, at work. Most of the time,
it's fine. But, you know, maybe I've, after a meeting, I think,
Well, did I say that right? Or? Yeah. So you said you just move
on, you stop your mind from thinking that way.
Yeah, so I just was very, and you can use the word
disciplined with myself, meaning like, I just, when I would find
myself wanting to go back and, and rethink, or, in other words,
remember what had happened, stop myself and not allow myself to
remember, not allow myself to go back and, you know, bring to
mind and bring to memory, something that had happened
already in the past. And, and I mean, seriously, it was it, it
powerfully worked, it was very challenging to do as in, it was
hard to stick with telling myself no, and obeying myself.
It was it was challenging. It's not that it was hard as in,
like, well, you know, I had to fight my I, I kept trying to
audit, kept trying to do it. And I, and then I kept fighting
myself and whatever. It's just that the desire to do it was so
strong, that I had to be very firm with myself and not allow
myself to do to go there. But once I did it, and that's what
I was trying to encourage Kate in yesterday, I said, once I did
it, it was extremely powerful in what it broke off of me, what it
set me free from, even just doing it once powerfully broke
something in me, it's like I finally came out of. And it's
like I made that initial choice of coming out of agreement with
something and it really did impact me that much. So anyway,
but I, I just was very disciplined in the fact that I
if I told myself, no, I'm not going to, I would not let
myself, even if I felt, you know, even if I wanted to talk
myself into Yeah, but this is a different situation. Or Yeah,
but this, you know, that this is different, or this is a unique
situation, just like, nope, not, I'm not gonna let myself
rehearse it, I'm doing it or replay it. Because the reason
that I'm doing it is I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting
that. I did a good job, I'm doubting that they still like
me, I think that I've, it comes, it, it can originate from a lot
of things. But one of the things that can originate from is self
doubt from believing that we're actually very destructive, that
we're destructive beings that we have a propensity to hurt other
people simply by being ourselves. And that's bogus. You
know, we don't need to be thinking so that we that we have
it that other people have a tendency to be destroyed, or
hurt by being around us. And we just have to stop like, you
know, not allow ourselves to go there, we have to see ourselves,
we have to choose that we are who God has declared us to be
that we have that value that we as sons of God actually have his
character. And then we need to learn to live more and more from
that character. But the same thing that I've been repeating
multiple times is we have to receive ourselves exactly as we
are, without, without requiring ourselves to be different.
Meaning that we just have to love ourselves and accept
ourselves unconditionally without requiring ourselves to
ever change, then we'll feel safe enough to change, we'll
feel safe enough then to grow into and default back to acting
as a son of God, you know, out of our being instead of being so
afraid and operating out of trying to follow the rules in
order to make sure we do everything right. In order to
protect ourselves from other people in order to make sure
that God is pleased with this by how we treated other people and,
and, and all that. So anyway, that that for me was really big
was stepping out in faith. So having the faith and deciding,
okay, if this is what God says about me, that I'm going to
choose
that that is the reality. In other words, I'm going to choose that that is who I am,
because I don't feel like that's who I am. And I don't think that that's who I am.
But if he says it, I'm going to choose that that actually is true. I'm not going to hope
or wish that it's true. That won't work. I have to make a decision that it's true.
And it'll feel like I'm just making up whatever it is that I wish were true and that I want to
believe. But it can't have that feeling of wish in it or want or hope or whatever. It has to be
a marked decision that I've decided that this is who I am. Now, we're not making it up because
God said it first, but it's going to feel so it will feel in such opposition to how we've typically
been making decisions because we've been making decisions based on what on how we feel or what
we think. And now we have to base our decision in actually something that God said in violation
of what we think and what we feel. And that's a challenge to do, but we just have to do it.
And then when we do that, then we actually think, OK, if I if I believe that, then how would I act?
Because we always act on what we believe. So if that is my new choice and that's my new belief,
how would what would I do? Well, I wouldn't replay it because because the only reason I'm replaying
it is I'm doubting that I handled it correctly. I'm doubting that I am believing that maybe I like
damaged somebody else, you know, et cetera. And and we and instead we have to think, no,
God says that I am not destructive to other people. I'm life giving. So therefore, I gave life
and now I can move on and into something else. And so there's no need to replay it. There's
no need to expend double or triple the energy on on a conversation that took five minutes to have
or whatever. The fact that you started and then you stopped and then it was over and then you
moved on. So why on earth are we taking all this time in which we're not in this situation?
Why are we expending more energy on a situation that's no longer present? We've moved on. So why
on earth are we giving like three to four times the energy on something that's already come and
ended? So that's what I decided to do is I thought, OK, well, if I believe this, then how would I act?
What decision would I make? And I thought, well, I wouldn't replay it. And so I stopped doing it.
And that that made a huge difference because, like I said, it broke an agreement. It made a
different agreement with a new truth by, you know, by not replaying it. And it's that it's the new
choice that actually had the power to change something. It's not the not replaying it.
It's the intentional choice that I'm making to believe that what God says is true.
It's actually the thing that has the power to break me free from that bondage that I was in
that was replaying things, et cetera. It's it's breaking me of my self-doubt. It's breaking me of my
my belief that I'm like destructive to myself and to other people.
So that's really what it is that we're doing.
Yeah. And, you know, I hadn't that whole thing about being destructive.
Yeah, that is really true. Yeah, we can't believe that. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, boy.
But what if, you know, maybe you were in a bad mood or something when you spoke
and then, you know, you were grumpy. Do you need to go back and apologize? Because a lot of times
I think, oh, I need to go back. And and that's partly why we.
I mean, most of the time I'm not, you know, it's fine, you know, as far as my attitude.
One time. We'd started a project and then the guy left the company,
then I had to explain the whole thing all over again to somebody else.
Yeah. So I wasn't very happy about it. And
so, you know, I just kind of felt like my attitude wasn't right.
And kind of got off.
on the wrong foot with this other person. So I replay it. You know, I replayed it,
because I'm trying to figure out, do I need to go back and apologize to that person?
Do you ever go back and apologize? Well, maybe you don't have the same problem.
Oh, no, no, absolutely. And I'm trying to think of how to determine what or wouldn't.
And well, if I do, for one thing, one of the things that I realized is, and I had to have a
lot of people telling me this over a lot of years, that I saw things, I was so sensitive,
that I saw myself as, as being more mean than other people were taking me to be.
And that they really were not being offended or, or even knew that I was upset. I did.
And I knew that that wasn't a normal attitude for me. And I wouldn't normally talk like that
and know everybody else, because they were used to people for that being other people,
everybody else's norm. And that if they were mean, they were like, really mean,
they didn't even notice that I had my attitude. And so that was one thing that I had to realize
is, okay, well, how sensitive am I being? And am I actually not? Is it not something that anybody
else noticed? And then I would just apologize the Lord, if I felt that it kind of fell in that
category, if it was anything like more major, well, then I would apologize. But the by doing so,
it if I mean, if I would do so, it's just, I wouldn't do it in the same way that I used to,
which is like groveling and or even if I wouldn't grovel, how would I how would I put that it's
just, just coming at it from this perspective that I'm shamed. And I'm just so sorry. And in
other words, making a big deal out of it, I would apologize without making a big deal of it.
You know, honor the other person, because that's what I'm trying to do by apologizing. So I would
make sure that it was it was honorable, but I wouldn't make too big of a deal of it, I would
just make it sincere and then leave it. Now, it was another really big thing for me to learn
is in just like in not replaying things, that when I would apologize for offenses that I wouldn't,
that I wouldn't dwell on them, even with the other person, I wouldn't dwell on them,
I would just be sincere and then boom, and then and then move on. I wouldn't take a lot of time
on it. I wouldn't try to explain a lot. I would just get it done and move on. And I wouldn't allow
myself like the the luxury of assuaging my, my, you know, my self made religious, religious
conscience. I like spending a lot of time on it and like, yeah, a big deal of it. So because it's
kind of similar to the idea that long, that short prayers are for God and long prayers are for our
soul. It's that kind of an idea is like, just realize that as long as that is the, the apology
is just sincere, you know, and meaning like, you're, you know, you're really serious, you're
very intentional about it, when you're doing it, and just make it short, and just sincere,
and that'll be that's, and that's enough, as opposed to like the longevity, or of it or
the intensity or anything, it just needs sincerity.
Yeah, I think there's probably shame in there, and you're, you're trying to make up for it.
Correct, assuage this, the shame, and you're paying for it is what you're trying to do.
You're trying to pay through guilt and shame for what it is that you've done, whether it's to God,
yourself, or to someone else, whoever it is that we think that we're trying to assuage,
we're trying to pay with it. And so we have to choose no, if God says that I'm not shamed,
and I'm not condemned, then what would I do? How would I act, etc.
That's a big thing.
Oh, it's very big. Yeah, but again, and stuff like that, it's really hard, because there's reasons
why we that there's reasons why we replay things. And there's reasons why we take a long time,
or are very intense about our apologies. There's reasons why we're doing that. So to not allow
ourselves to go there is can be can be very challenging, because we, we feel like we are
putting ourselves in a place in which we're not in, in which we're unsafe. Because we're doing
all those things in order to try to protect ourselves. So what we're having to do, and this
is how it's
stepping out in faith is we are choosing
that God is gonna be our protector.
And that, and we release it to him,
we release the outcome to him,
based off of the faith that we are not shamed,
we are not condemned, we are not destructive.
And I love the example that God spoke to Lindsay about,
in reminding her about that ancient Jewish culture,
you know, that she mentioned in her journey share,
I thought that was amazing.
Of just connecting that,
connecting that God is going to,
that idea from that ancient Jewish culture,
to the fact that God will cover us
when we go out and have relationships with other people
and interact with other people,
that we just do our best.
We're trying to learn who,
what is it like to be a son of God
under the sonship covenant?
What is that like to live like that,
to live within that sonship covenant?
And then we just trust God to cover us while we're learning.
Yeah.
And to help take that weight and that responsibility
that allows us to live free,
to just be, even during the learning process.
Hmm.
And like I said, it's hard.
So what we have to choose is that we're choosing God
and we're choosing learning to live like a son
over what it is that, over the self-protection
and self-preservation of relationships
and everything else that we feel like we're risking
by not replaying things
or by not making the apologies so intense
and I don't know, groveling or full of shame
or however you would phrase that.
That we're choosing instead to learn,
even if we're making mistakes while we do it,
to learn to live like a son rather than protect ourselves
and preserve the relationships that we have
by trying to follow specific formulas
to try to control an outcome.
And we have to let that go and choose instead
as more important to us.
It choose that acting and being like a true son of God
is more important to us.
We have to choose that.
Yeah.
Allow God to, and allow to, and trust
that God has the grace to cover us
and protect us in our mistakes while we're learning.
Yeah.
I do that sometimes too, when I give a message,
you know, when I've spoken,
I mean, I don't speak that much anymore,
but, you know, I have some opportunities coming up,
but I know in the past, I've looked at what I said
and, oh, I should have said it this way.
It would have, oh, I should have added this in
or not said that.
It's the same sort of thing, don't you think?
Yes, it is.
In fact, what got me over that was a little bit of both.
Partly it was, I refuse to allow myself to replay things.
And then, you know, that all of my teachings are recorded.
So see, I had that opportunity to go back and watch stuff.
So one, I've done it both ways.
I've done it where I don't allow myself
to go back and watch.
And then I've done it where I allow myself
to go back and watch.
And when I do, I realize that I did just fine.
And I realized that I spoke better than I felt
that I did in the time, that it came across very clearly.
And at the time I thought that it wasn't,
I thought that it wasn't building on itself
in a way that people would be understood.
And then I watched it and realized, no, that was just fine.
It was, so I realized that there was no point
in doubting myself and to just allow myself
to just kind of flow with the spirit
and just whatever came out, allow it to come out
and not second guess myself.
Because when I watched, went back and watched the replays,
I thought, oh, well, my goodness,
that was so much better than I thought that it was.
In fact, not only was it not bad, it was really good.
And while I was in it though,
while I was going through the teaching, I'd be like,
I really don't feel like I can get my footing.
You know, I really am struggling here.
And in fact, I was listening to someone the other day teach.
And then they confided in me later.
They were like so embarrassed.
They were like, oh my word.
I just felt like I lost my footing at the very beginning of the teaching.
And then I could never get it again.
So I was just fumbling all over the place.
And I thought, and I told them this, I said, I'm really surprised
to hear you, to hear you say that because I thought it was great.
In fact, while you were talking, I was thinking, this is so wonderful.
I wish that they would talk more, you know, and while they were sitting
there thinking like, Hey, I'm used to talking in front of people.
And I felt very, I felt like I couldn't get ever get a foothold in, in my, in
the, in the flow of the teaching and kind of grab a hold of like moving in the
spirit or whatever they were saying.
And, and I said, are you kidding?
I thought the opposite.
I thought it was perfect.
I thought you spoke right to what needed to be spoken to in the moment.
Anyway, so we just doubt ourselves a lot more than is necessary.
So I've just learned that however it is that I taught, it really was, and I'm
just using teaching as an example, because it's, you know, like what you
brought up, it's just some kind of something that where you're presenting
yourself to other people and you question.
You know, how did I present myself?
How did I teach?
How did I talk?
You know, was it useful?
Was it successful?
Was it, you know, did it hit home?
And, um, and I've just had, and I've just learned, nope, the Lord can cut the
Lord covers me and the Lord, um, and there's more being done in the spirit
than I am realizing, or that I, or that is actually connected at all to how I
said it, that I, that the spirit is moving and doing things even, uh,
regardless of how, how polished that I may or may not sound, which I don't
think that I have, I mean, I can teach, I can teach and I can speak fun public,
but there's some multiple things that I think that I don't do as well as other
people in, in, in speaking and in teaching.
And therefore I noticed those things and I just have to realize, you know what?
That's just who I am and where I am right now on my teaching and speaking skills.
And so God uses me in the spirit and he doesn't have to rely on my, on my style
or on my skill, he just allows you just.
You know, the power, just like Paul said that he mentions this as well.
He said that, that, that the power is in the spirit, not in what you say, but yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah.
So when I teach as well, I, um, I just have to let it go and be like, okay, there
it was, Laura, do with it what you want, because yeah, and then just go on, like
truly in faith, like, okay, God, if you say that, um, you know, if I'm going to
trust that this really was good, that you really are using it, I just did my best.
I'm not saying that it looks the best, most polished I've ever been, or I've
ever spoken, it's just Lord, when I was in the moment, I was in the moment
and I was just being me.
And so Lord, just, I just asked that you use me and then I move on.
But yeah.
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah.
Cause I, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not
you know, that comes up all the time.
Yeah.
I mean, I, uh, I was, have you heard of the perspectives course?
It's a missions course and it's, you know, worldwide now pretty much, but, um, I've
attended it a couple of times and I was on the coordination committee, um, last
year and I, I wrote a devotional using some of my experiences in Japan and I was
presenting it and I think what I wrote was really good is presenting it to give to
them.
I, um, I forgot something, you know, I was, it was like the last, um, was it the last
gathering?
I think it was.
And we had people from mission organizations there.
And, and I, I lost what I was wanting to say.
And then like that friend of yours, it was like, it was like, it ruined the whole
thing.
I couldn't, you know, get your footing.
Yeah.
And then after that, and I gave it out, and I got no response,
no response from people. Nobody said anything about it. And
then the interesting thing was, I sent it to my Indian pastor
friend. And he really liked it. Yeah. And he even used part of
it in a message. Oh, wow. That's so cool. Yeah. So it was very
interesting. But I went over my mistake, my forgetting what I
wanted to say, over and over and over so many times. Like I and I
guess it was shame and and my way of trying to protect
myself or Yeah, it was awful. Yeah. makes the feelings so much
worse. It does. It does. It feeds the pain. Yeah. And I
could have just you know, just let it I mean, left the outcome
with God. And, you know, it doesn't matter if nobody reads
it, you know, I did that out of love, and the Lord directed me
in that. And, and then, you know, the good response I got
from my Indian pastor friend. So, but it's kind of Yeah, it's
kind of interesting how there's ways that that I protect
myself or we we I mean, I think people do it that you don't even
realize it. You know, like, when you make a mistake, and yeah.
I'm muted. I didn't know why I was muted. So I was saying,
yeah, it's like I didn't mute myself. So I don't know what I
did. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, and when I when I do zoom
calls with them. I don't have this background. I I have a
curtain over here. I have the curtain as my background. But
when we have these meetings, you know, I don't Oh, yeah, don't
pull it all around. Yeah. I don't go to the trouble of
Yeah, I don't blame you. hiding my stuff. Yeah. And anyway, but
um,
yeah, that whole thing of shame. And it's like,
the shame, it's almost like it's payment for what we've done
wrong. Yeah. And that weird. Yeah. Just kind of like we have
the shame is as apologizing, apologizing. So Lord, I think
that I told you, right that I had. It's me train. I've been
drinking coffee all morning. So I'm like, I don't want to get
taste out of my mouth. And I told you right that I had that
I had to stop apologizing to the Lord in order to get out of
using apologizing to him as payment to try to get him to
connect with me again. Did I talk about that? I don't think
so. Okay. So when I was trying to learn to take the Lord at his
word that he that what he said about me was true. And what he
said about himself was true. And that he never loses that I
abided in him that he always connected with me always talks
with me if I'm always in him that I'm always connected and
never disconnected. I never separated even when I sin. I
thought, okay, that's true. Then what would I do? And I thought,
well, then I wouldn't feel like I had to hurry. And I wouldn't
feel like I was, I wouldn't believe that I was separated in
that I had to hurry and apologize whenever I caught
myself doing something wrong, just in order to reconnect with
him. And, and so, because I could tell myself that all I
wanted, but if I kept trying, but I found that whenever I
would apologize to him, I, I was, I had, I was so much of the
habit of using it as a currency to reconnect with him. Like his
payment, you know, his currency, that in order to teach myself to
separate it from currency, and buying his affection and buying
his connection, I had to not apologize until I made the
point to connect with him and to ask him for
thing. In other words, take him at his word. If he says I'm not disconnected and he says he loves
me anyway, and that sin does not affect his and my connection and relationship and love and all of
that, then I've got to, I've got to choose that that's true. And the way that I can help myself
do that is not allow myself to use anything as payment. And so I would connect with him without
the payment. In other words, without the apology, I would ask him for something and whatever. And
once I got, once I made that choice where I realized, okay, I, I really am mainly meeting
with the Lord. He really is receiving me and accepting me, even though I haven't apologized
for the sin that I've done. And he, uh, and so he really is and is showing up as he says he is.
Then my apology was no longer, I no longer considered it currency because now I don't
have to pay for something I have. I chose that I wasn't disconnected. And so I would connect with
the Lord and I would ask him for things and he would give me those things and whatever. And I'm
like, wow, even without apologies, well, this is amazing. So once I finally was able to disconnect
my apology from being, using it as some kind of a, of a means of transacting something from God to
me, in other words, getting something from God, then I could apologize without it having any of
those strings attached. And the whole apology was simply Lord, I have relationship with you.
And if I've hurt you, I'm really sorry, you know, whatever, but I'm not like trying to get something
that I don't have until I apologize. And then I get it. I realized I had it without apologizing.
So now my apology could be offered to the Lord just out of relationship. In other words, just
out of freedom and no longer out of obligation. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's huge. I know. No. Yeah.
So that's what helped me was to not allow myself to apologize until, and then to connect with God,
even, even without, even before I would, you know, say I was sorry or feel bad or anything,
I would connect with God. I'd believe that he loved me, that I was abiding in him, that we
were, that he was just as happy with me now as he was before I sinned and all of that. And then once
I, and then I would choose that. And then he would show up like that. I would connect with
him and I'd feel him and I'd sense him and I'd sense his joy. And I'd sense his pleasure because
I would choose that it was true. If he said it, that I made a choice in a decision that that was
true. And then I would feel it. It's like God would show up after I decided to believe him.
Then whatever it is that I decided to believe him in, he would reveal himself to be that thing. He
would show up like that, but only after I agreed with it first. Anyway. And then, and then anyway,
I would do that. I do that in order to disconnect, in order to disconnect my attachment of an
apology and shame to, to trying to get something from God. So I would use that to disconnect.
And then once it was disconnected, then and once I no longer had it attached to the apologies,
then I would, would apologize just because I'm in relationship with God, just like, Oh God,
you know, I'm so sorry. I'm just apologizing just because, you know, we're in relationship and I
don't want her to, and I want you to know that. And so we're talking about it, but I'm no longer
trying to get something from God that I don't have until I apologize. I have it without the
apology. So once I realized I have it without the apology, now I can apologize free and my own free
will without obligation. Cause I'm not trying to, I don't believe I'm in lack. And then I'm
trying to obtain something with the apology. It was payment or shame is payment or guilt is payment.
You know, don't you think? I mean, I think we were taught growing up that we had to apologize
to get back into fellowship with God, right? We did. Yeah. And I was blatantly told,
blatantly told by my fourth grade Sunday school teacher that it was Sunday school, meaning like
he was my school teacher, but he taught me my Bible class. And he said that God stops talking
to you when you sin. I was like, Oh, I don't ever want God to stop talking to me. It would
terrify me because not only did I think, Oh my goodness. So when I do something.
intentionally wrong. God stops talking to me, but this is the
same teacher that also taught me that the Israelites had a
specific sacrifice that God said was for all of the sins that
they committed that they didn't even know that they committed.
And this was to cover them and everything extra that they
didn't even know. I mean, there's all the other sacrifices
for all the things they knew that they did. But then there
was a whole, there was a blanket one to cover everything else
that they did that they didn't weren't even aware of. And I
thought, Oh, my word. So how do I know then when God, how do I
know if I've done one of those sins, and that God's no longer
talking to me, but I didn't even know that I'd send to get to
this position. And now God's not talking to me. Well, how did I
know, you know, and so what I did was just to cover myself and
to make sure I could always stay in connection with God is I
would apologize all the time, all day long. I would repent.
Because the next time I would do something that I didn't know I
done. You know? So I think my thing is hiding from him. You
know, like, yeah.
Which is what Adam and Eve did. They hid. Yes. Yeah. I mean, as
if I can hide from him. I know, but it's shame. And God says
that we don't need to do that anymore. Because remember, they
hid because of their vulnerability because they were
exposed. But remember that now you can't be exposed like that
your vulnerability is always covered in your intimacy with
him. It's always covered in the fact that you're in him. So you
have no, not only can you not hide, we no longer have a reason
to hide from him. Because it's we're hiding out of self
protection, but it's actually in him that we find our safety is
being covered by him, that we actually are safe, as opposed to
trying to need to find our own safety. So what he wants is he
wants to be believed that he's the safe thing to be covered by.
Yeah, you're absolutely right. We do we hide from him, because
we don't believe he's safe. We believe that we've done
something, and that we're not safe with him. Because, you
know, if this thing that we've done, or this thing that we are
or whatever. And that's why I think it's so very important to
express to people that we are not sinners that are simply
covered by this blanket of blood of Jesus Christ, and that God
only looks at the blood of Jesus Christ, but doesn't see the
sinful person that's simply being covered. You know, it's
like, no, we've actually been changed. And so he see we've
been washed by the blood. I don't know what's going on out
there. And so now we are completely we're completely
transformed. We're new creatures. And God can look on
us now. He doesn't have to hide himself from us. We don't have
to hide ourselves from him. Even when we sin, we've already been
washed by the blood, we don't have to continue to be washed.
He can still look on us even when we've sinned, because
Christ has made the payment already for the sin that we
committed. And that all the sins that we're going to commit. So
even while even when we've committed a sin, and we're in
the sin, in other words, we've, we haven't, like, I say in the
sin, meaning like we haven't, like made us we haven't
apologized, we were, we're intentionally doing it, we
haven't repented. That's what I'm saying. We haven't changed
directions, we're still doing this thing. Even then God can
look at us because we're still the that sin that we're doing
has already been paid for. Mm hmm. So there's nothing to pay
for even while we're doing it. Not even an apology. Sorry, for
what we are currently doing while we are sending is already
while we're doing it is already paid for. There's no restitution
required. It really is that free. And it's very hard for us
to understand that, especially when, for 1000s of years, it was
drilled into humanity, that, and then of course, us in the New
Testament, not only do we carry that in our DNA, that old
covenant, and, you know, from our ancestors, but also, and any
agreements that they made under that. But also, we've been
taught by so much in our like churches and ideologies that,
uh, that we have to work to please the Lord. Anyway.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah, we
I had sort of a motto song when I was young when I was growing
up. And I think the first part of it is striving to please
him in all that I do. Oh, God, living for Jesus. Yeah. And
it's, it was all about striving. And there's a woman that I, you
know, have received teaching from and she has said, if you
want to be blessed, you need to obey.
Oh, goodness.
Well, yes. And, you know, I just have not felt that that was
right. Because I mean, new covenant is it's like, we have
everything before we do anything. Correct? Yeah. And
yeah, I mean, I think, you know, because she's going back to the
Old Testament. And, you know, if they did this, then they'd be
blessed. Correct? Yeah. And that's what Paul has to say,
don't use your freedom as a license to sin, because it
really is this free. Yeah, that type of freedom scares people
because you can't, there's no, there's no borders to work
within that you that we typically rely on as our sense
of safety, as we rely on structures and predictability
and formulas to keep us safe. And if that's what we're relying
on, then when God says, No, no, no, you're freer than that. And
I'm removing them all. We feel scared. Because we've been
relying on borders and structures and laws and rules
and formulas. And because we can use them to predict our own and
to determine our own outcomes in our life, which makes us feel
secure because it makes us feel in control. Yeah, yeah, that's
why God had to say no, it's a lot freer than that. But don't
use your freedom as a license to sin. The fact that when you're
sinning, it's already covered anyway. While you're doing it,
it's already covered. So there's no payment that's required. It's
very different. Yeah. Then what it was for 1000s of years.
Yeah, yeah. And there, I don't know, but there's not, I haven't
come across a church. Well, I can't say that. But there aren't
many churches that actually teach that.
You know, yeah, well, there's a lot of churches that I mean,
not Yeah, not every church teaches that there's a lot of
churches that teach it, but don't know how it works in, in
practical in, in practicality. Like, what does that mean that
we live like? And what does that mean of what we can expect from
other people? And if churches feel like they can't get a
control of people and make sure that they're always doing
everything right? Well, then they all talk out of one side
of their mouths, which is grace, and love and freedom and sin is
paid for. But the way that they act in the way that they in the
standards that they hold themselves and other people to
shows that there is no grace, and that it's all about what you
do. And it's all about obedience. And it's all about
what can we tell by your fruit, that that what you're doing is
good or godly or whatever. But we're, but we are looking at it
through the view and the standard of the world and how
the world tests things and makes determinations about outcomes.
Because it says that man, it says that man looks at the
outside, but God looks at the heart. So God, and the things
of the spirit can only be understood by the spirit. So if
we're trying to look at it through our own soul, and trying
to determine whether or not it's okay, you know, then, then we're
going to miss the mark. So anyway, but that's why a lot of
a lot of churches either don't teach it, or they teach it in
theory only. But the practical way that they live it out, or
the practical things of like how they teach you to apply it
doesn't match with what they're saying over here, where there is
grace, and there is, and your sin is paid for, etc. Yeah,
yeah, walking out of both sides of their mouth, and they don't
realize it.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and hearing them say, we're just a
sinner saved by grace. Yeah, that's what I grew up hearing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the music director, who used to be
the music director at the church I used to go to, she would say
that we're just sinners saved by grace. You know, like it puts
through depressing. Yes.
And it, it's supposed to put, you know, give God glory, but I know, no, it doesn't.
Yeah.
But then we're, in order to do that, we're not agreeing with what he said about himself
and what he said about us and, and yeah.
And that's the thing is that, um, I think I may have mentioned this to y'all that I
had someone tell us, or someone tell me, uh, or ask me, actually, how do I, how do we convince
our children of their need for a savior, unless they know how bad they are as a sinner.
It was like, well, think of it this way, you know, is God only good because there's evil
and is God only, um, is God only desirable simply because it's the option that gives
you a means to escape the pain.
Is that the only thing God's good for is the, as, as an alternative, he's, he's good
because, because he's God.
So that's how, you know, I recommended to her that she focused on, you know, with their
children is the fact that he's so good that he would draw us because he's so good that
we'd be drawn to him as opposed to, well, he's the thing that allows us to escape this
bad thing.
It's like, no, God's good because, because he is who he is.
Um, and he doesn't need to have the existence of evil and bad in order to be good.
So anyway, my point is that we've like used that a lot of times in the church and that's
the church that she and I had both gone to.
We'd both gone to the same college and it was a very strict college and very, very,
very strict.
Baptist and very Calvinistic in its leanings.
And anyway, it, it, it, uh, its foundation was shaming and condemning people so that
we'd realize how bad we all were and we could be controlled and we could all manipulate
the outcome of ourselves and other people by holding ourselves to outside actions of
standards.
Like, well, if you do these things and you're good and you're responsible and you're good
Christian and whatever, and if you don't do these things, then you're bad.
Um, anyway, so it was all based on performance and it's like how you dressed and yeah.
So anyway, it's, it's no wonder that she got that.
It is that she said, um, sorry, someone just sent me a text and I don't know how to turn
it off, but he, I'm sorry.
Computer.
Doesn't it?
Yes.
Um, cause it's new.
I got this Mac and reconnect and connected my iCloud to it.
And so my texts pop up, which is great when I'm not on a zoom call, but I don't know how
to turn them off when I'm on a zoom call.
I'm sure that there's some way to do it.
Options.
Maybe keep in dock.
I have no idea.
Anyway.
Oops.
There we go.
So, um, but yeah, so it's no wonder that she thought that because that's, that's what had
been always used as a motivation to come near Jesus is realize how bad you are and then
just always fight yourself and do the hard thing and come to God.
So they always make coming to God, like the bad thing that you don't want to do, but you
got to do it anyway, get grief.
What about God's great enough for us to want to, to want to do it.
So, and that'd be our motivation.
So yeah, yeah.
So that had been the motivation that had been used for her coming to God.
She didn't know what other motivation to use for her kids.
So anyway, interesting.
That's, that's so true.
I mean, yeah.
Shame people and then present God as the escape from all that.
Yeah.
Boy, the lies we believe.
I know.
Sad.
Well, I know that you have to go probably to work.
So I wanted to make sure that we prayed really quick, if I may for you.
Yes.
Yes, please do.
So Lord, pray for Christine, pray that you would be with her Lord, touch her body, touch
her, touch her mind, her emotions, her spirit, pray that you would just strengthen every
aspect of her, that it would, it would believe you, it would come in.
It would come in alignment with what it is that you have declared with, with your healing,
with your goodness, with the fact that you protect her.
for that she is, um, that she is covered by you, that she is, that you're going ahead
of her and providing for everything, pray that she would leave the outcome up to you,
that she would just completely, um, it just fall into your arms and just feel relaxed
and comforted, show her Lord in a brand new way, how it is to have faith in you, how to
give up the outcome.
Cause sometimes Lord, that can be a bit tricky of like, how do we actually do that?
Pray that you would reveal to her how to do that, um, that everything would go smoothly
with the radiation, that you would just give the doctor's wisdom that you would, um, just
cocoon, um, Chris in, in protection.
And that the, that all of these tools that you have created, that you have allowed us
to discover and to use and utilize that it would work perfectly, that it would work in
alignment with them, with your kingdom, that you would send angels to be around her and
with her and to handle the doctors and the nurses hands, um, give her peace and calm
in her spirit and in her mind and pray as strange as this is Lord, that this would be
a very special time period for her.
Um, I don't know if you're wanting to give her lots of physical rest during this time,
but, um, you know what it is that, that you desire for her to be for, to be part of this
season.
If you desire for her to be working, pray that you would give her the strength, the
dependency on you, that you would, um, uh, also give her body a lot of rest when it is
resting and that she would just feel very energized and strengthened during this time.
Pray that the radiation would be very effective, that the doctors would just be able to see
you in it.
And that Christine would be able to see and to feel you, especially fill your presence
during this time in Jesus's name.
Amen.
Oh, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
It was good to get with you.
Yeah.
It's been really good.
I mean, you talk about things that are so true, but we don't hear them and it's, and
it's almost like my spirit has known these things.
Yes, it has.
It's not like it's totally new, but it's like, okay, yeah, I've known this.
And I mean like at different times I'll be in a meeting and I'll think, no, that's not
quite right.
You know, you'll just get a sense that, no, this, this isn't true.
And it's, yeah, it's like the, the Lord lets you know in your spirit that this is just
not right.
Yeah.
He does.
We have some very grateful for, but yeah, the idea that he does that now where he's
very, very, like I said, just jealous of that relationship with us and wanting to reveal
his truth to us.
And then our spirits, because we're of his DNA, you know, they know these things it's,
it's the truth and the reality that our spirits live in.
So it's like our souls are finally realizing that they can receive it and believe it.
Yeah.
Thank you, Ashley.
You're welcome.
It's good to spend time with you.
Praying for your radiation today.
It's a very good first appointment.
Yeah.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
I'll talk to you later.
You let me know how it goes.
Yeah, I will.
Thank you.