WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:10.000 Excuse me. 2 00:00:10.000 --> 00:00:22.000 Excuse me. 3 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:32.000 Excuse me. 4 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:52.000 Excuse me. 5 00:00:52.000 --> 00:01:14.000 Oh. 6 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:32.000 Oh. 7 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:48.000 Oh. 8 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:50.000 Hi Ashley. 9 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:52.000 No, that's fine. 10 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.000 How are you. 11 00:01:54.000 --> 00:02:01.000 And how are you doing good. What time is it there is it like 730. Yeah. Is it still dark. 12 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.000 Oh no, no. Okay. 13 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:15.000 It's. Is it, is it dark at 730, where you are. No, it's just that you, you have your curtain closed in behind you. 14 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:17.000 Maybe it was just hard. 15 00:02:17.000 --> 00:02:21.000 No, no. 16 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:25.000 Yeah, I just got up a little while ago. So, okay. 17 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:31.000 Well you already looked bright eyed and bushy tailed so. 18 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:34.000 And I was going to grab my notes. 19 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:42.000 My dog just woke up, and she gets a greenie in the morning. Hang on justice. Oh sure. Yeah. 20 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:52.000 And she's waiting over here. 21 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:57.000 She's got her breakfast but she's going to have to wait. 22 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:00.000 Oh, 23 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:02.000 there you go. 24 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 There you go. 25 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:09.000 All right, hold on I was going to get something to write on. 26 00:03:09.000 --> 00:03:11.000 Yeah, no. 27 00:03:11.000 --> 00:03:13.000 Yeah. Okay. 28 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:18.000 Sorry I'm set now. No, you're fine. So how have you been. 29 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:20.000 Good. 30 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:25.000 I'm having trouble with my, my right eye. 31 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:34.000 And I've had trouble with it before it's all. You can't probably tell but it's all, it's red and puppy. 32 00:03:34.000 --> 00:03:45.000 And I'm a bit concerned because the last time I saw the eye doctor. He said it was pink guy, but I don't think it was pink guy really. 33 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:49.000 And if it happens again. 34 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:55.000 We'll have to do lab which means biopsy. 35 00:03:55.000 --> 00:03:57.000 Yes. 36 00:03:57.000 --> 00:04:01.000 And I was, I was. Well, I've had this. 37 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:04.000 What sounds extreme. 38 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:14.000 Yeah, well, the thing was, well, that's too involved but he 39 00:04:14.000 --> 00:04:20.000 I missed an appointment, because, you know, I forgot I had an appointment with him one time. 40 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:26.000 And it's like he's been angry at me. 41 00:04:26.000 --> 00:04:28.000 I'm sorry. 42 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:32.000 So, like I, when I went in there. 43 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:40.000 When I had this. I think the last time, time before this. 44 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:48.000 He just looked at it didn't really examine me and said, think I gave me a prescription. 45 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:51.000 So then. 46 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:54.000 So, 47 00:04:54.000 --> 00:05:00.000 and the last and see, he always used to check me for glaucoma. 48 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:06.400 And the last time I went in, you know, my eye was OK, it wasn't red. 49 00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:14.440 So not like this, but anyway, so he wasn't even going to check my eye pressure. 50 00:05:14.440 --> 00:05:18.040 So I asked him to check the eye, you know, it's kind of weird. 51 00:05:19.440 --> 00:05:22.600 I'm sorry. Did you need to get another doctor? 52 00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:26.280 I'm kind of thinking that. 53 00:05:26.280 --> 00:05:27.520 Just one that you feel. 54 00:05:27.520 --> 00:05:30.960 I mean, that's it's a. 55 00:05:30.960 --> 00:05:33.840 It really does mean a lot when we feel like we can, like, 56 00:05:33.840 --> 00:05:36.440 trust the people that we're getting help from, you know? 57 00:05:37.480 --> 00:05:41.840 And so regardless of whether or not what you're saying is true, 58 00:05:41.840 --> 00:05:45.200 if you don't feel like it's true, you know, if you don't feel safe, 59 00:05:45.200 --> 00:05:48.760 you don't feel comfortable, then it makes the whole situation really challenging. 60 00:05:48.760 --> 00:05:51.840 So, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah. So 61 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:56.720 there's another there's a couple other doctors there. 62 00:05:56.720 --> 00:05:59.600 One of them is really nice, really a young guy. 63 00:06:00.640 --> 00:06:06.800 And he had diagnosed, well, that there was skin was coming off my cornea. 64 00:06:07.840 --> 00:06:09.600 Hmm. I never heard. 65 00:06:09.600 --> 00:06:11.480 I didn't know I had skin on my cornea. 66 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:12.440 Yeah, I don't know. 67 00:06:12.440 --> 00:06:15.280 Maybe that's how we refer to it, but maybe it's just like that. 68 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:18.000 So, yeah. Yeah. 69 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:20.480 Anyway, and I really liked him. Oh, good. 70 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:24.040 Yeah. So I'm going to see if I can get an appointment with him. 71 00:06:24.440 --> 00:06:26.480 That's a good idea. Yeah. 72 00:06:26.520 --> 00:06:28.680 Yeah. So, yeah. 73 00:06:28.680 --> 00:06:32.800 So that's and today I start my radiation therapy. 74 00:06:32.880 --> 00:06:35.280 I was going to ask when when do you start? 75 00:06:35.280 --> 00:06:37.120 Because I thought it was really soon. 76 00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:40.480 I thought if you hadn't already, that it was like this week or something. 77 00:06:41.400 --> 00:06:43.640 Yeah. Well, I hope it goes well now. 78 00:06:43.640 --> 00:06:46.840 Remind me, this is your second bout with cancer. 79 00:06:46.840 --> 00:06:49.160 Have you had radiation before? 80 00:06:49.160 --> 00:06:50.400 No. OK. 81 00:06:50.400 --> 00:06:54.480 I somehow got the impression that this was like you hadn't done this before. 82 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:56.520 But no, because I 83 00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:02.400 when they did the lumpectomy before, there weren't clear margins, 84 00:07:02.400 --> 00:07:04.320 so they had to do a mastectomy. 85 00:07:04.320 --> 00:07:07.400 Oh, OK. So if you get a mastectomy, 86 00:07:09.000 --> 00:07:10.240 they don't do radiation. 87 00:07:10.240 --> 00:07:12.920 Oh, OK. There's no need to do radiation. 88 00:07:13.200 --> 00:07:14.360 I didn't know that. OK. 89 00:07:14.360 --> 00:07:16.640 Well, I mean, it makes sense. It's just. Yeah. 90 00:07:17.440 --> 00:07:20.280 So this time 91 00:07:20.280 --> 00:07:23.040 they had clear margins when they did the surgery. 92 00:07:23.320 --> 00:07:29.520 So that's why they're, you know, doing that. Yeah. So. 93 00:07:31.640 --> 00:07:33.480 Yeah, haven't had this before. 94 00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:37.360 It's going to be interesting. 95 00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:39.440 Yeah. Yeah. 96 00:07:39.440 --> 00:07:44.760 Well, remind me, we'll pray before and before we go and about it 97 00:07:45.400 --> 00:07:48.360 that you just feel have comfort 98 00:07:48.680 --> 00:07:51.560 and during the process and, 99 00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:56.960 you know, our body responds well to it and and doesn't have 100 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:03.240 and doesn't have those, you know, unpleasant adverse effects of radiation, 101 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.840 you know, where you just don't feel good afterwards and stuff. 102 00:08:05.840 --> 00:08:08.360 So hopefully. Yeah. Yeah. 103 00:08:08.600 --> 00:08:10.600 So I want to keep working. 104 00:08:10.600 --> 00:08:13.280 Yeah. I remember you saying that. Yeah. Yeah. 105 00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:17.280 Yeah. So, I mean, I'm I would 106 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:23.200 I would say. I'm 107 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:28.520 I'm at peace about it, but there's still a little bit of anxiety, like, 108 00:08:28.960 --> 00:08:32.720 yeah, how am I you know, how how is my body going to like you were saying, 109 00:08:32.720 --> 00:08:35.720 how's my body going to react to this? 110 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:40.240 And, you know, hopefully I can keep working. 111 00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:43.559 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 112 00:08:44.560 --> 00:08:47.880 So what would you like to go over today? 113 00:08:47.880 --> 00:08:51.840 Is it is it that or is it what aspect of that or is it 114 00:08:52.760 --> 00:08:57.080 something else that, you know, what would you like to kind of focus on? 115 00:08:57.800 --> 00:09:03.360 Well. You brought up something really interesting last night 116 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:08.240 about how we rehearse beforehand and after 117 00:09:09.080 --> 00:09:12.280 rehearse and reply. Yeah. 118 00:09:12.280 --> 00:09:13.880 I do that a lot. 119 00:09:13.880 --> 00:09:16.360 Do you really? Yeah, very common. 120 00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:19.560 Yeah. And I hadn't. 121 00:09:21.280 --> 00:09:23.840 You know, I hadn't really. 122 00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:26.520 Especially, I mean. 123 00:09:28.760 --> 00:09:32.000 I mean, not so heavy on the rehearse, 124 00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:37.440 but on the replay replay, like if if I if I think, 125 00:09:38.160 --> 00:09:44.000 oh, I didn't say that right or they probably took that wrong or, you know. 126 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:47.320 Mm hmm. I do that a lot. 127 00:09:47.400 --> 00:09:51.560 The replay and, you know, overanalyze maybe 128 00:09:51.800 --> 00:09:55.000 maybe not as bad as before as. Yeah. 129 00:09:55.720 --> 00:09:59.600 But still some really. 130 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:10.400 lies in things. And it's like, Lindsay in her Facebook Live 131 00:10:10.400 --> 00:10:13.920 said, you know, it was more wondering if she was pleasing 132 00:10:13.920 --> 00:10:17.240 God. And you know, it was more than mine is more people 133 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:26.760 pleasing. You know, like, like, say, at work. Most of the time, 134 00:10:26.760 --> 00:10:31.920 it's fine. But, you know, maybe I've, after a meeting, I think, 135 00:10:31.920 --> 00:10:38.960 Well, did I say that right? Or? Yeah. So you said you just move 136 00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:42.360 on, you stop your mind from thinking that way. 137 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:48.080 Yeah, so I just was very, and you can use the word 138 00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:52.720 disciplined with myself, meaning like, I just, when I would find 139 00:10:52.720 --> 00:10:57.400 myself wanting to go back and, and rethink, or, in other words, 140 00:10:57.400 --> 00:11:03.160 remember what had happened, stop myself and not allow myself to 141 00:11:03.160 --> 00:11:08.440 remember, not allow myself to go back and, you know, bring to 142 00:11:08.440 --> 00:11:12.000 mind and bring to memory, something that had happened 143 00:11:12.000 --> 00:11:17.680 already in the past. And, and I mean, seriously, it was it, it 144 00:11:17.680 --> 00:11:23.280 powerfully worked, it was very challenging to do as in, it was 145 00:11:23.280 --> 00:11:29.600 hard to stick with telling myself no, and obeying myself. 146 00:11:30.360 --> 00:11:32.880 It was it was challenging. It's not that it was hard as in, 147 00:11:32.880 --> 00:11:38.120 like, well, you know, I had to fight my I, I kept trying to 148 00:11:38.120 --> 00:11:41.720 audit, kept trying to do it. And I, and then I kept fighting 149 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:45.720 myself and whatever. It's just that the desire to do it was so 150 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:49.920 strong, that I had to be very firm with myself and not allow 151 00:11:49.920 --> 00:11:54.240 myself to do to go there. But once I did it, and that's what 152 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:57.320 I was trying to encourage Kate in yesterday, I said, once I did 153 00:11:57.320 --> 00:12:02.680 it, it was extremely powerful in what it broke off of me, what it 154 00:12:02.680 --> 00:12:07.480 set me free from, even just doing it once powerfully broke 155 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:12.160 something in me, it's like I finally came out of. And it's 156 00:12:12.160 --> 00:12:15.280 like I made that initial choice of coming out of agreement with 157 00:12:15.280 --> 00:12:21.160 something and it really did impact me that much. So anyway, 158 00:12:21.160 --> 00:12:24.760 but I, I just was very disciplined in the fact that I 159 00:12:24.800 --> 00:12:28.080 if I told myself, no, I'm not going to, I would not let 160 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:32.120 myself, even if I felt, you know, even if I wanted to talk 161 00:12:32.120 --> 00:12:35.080 myself into Yeah, but this is a different situation. Or Yeah, 162 00:12:35.080 --> 00:12:38.440 but this, you know, that this is different, or this is a unique 163 00:12:38.440 --> 00:12:42.760 situation, just like, nope, not, I'm not gonna let myself 164 00:12:42.760 --> 00:12:46.720 rehearse it, I'm doing it or replay it. Because the reason 165 00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:50.200 that I'm doing it is I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting 166 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:54.080 that. I did a good job, I'm doubting that they still like 167 00:12:54.080 --> 00:13:00.120 me, I think that I've, it comes, it, it can originate from a lot 168 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:02.680 of things. But one of the things that can originate from is self 169 00:13:02.680 --> 00:13:06.920 doubt from believing that we're actually very destructive, that 170 00:13:06.920 --> 00:13:11.080 we're destructive beings that we have a propensity to hurt other 171 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:15.080 people simply by being ourselves. And that's bogus. You 172 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:20.600 know, we don't need to be thinking so that we that we have 173 00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:26.200 it that other people have a tendency to be destroyed, or 174 00:13:26.200 --> 00:13:31.680 hurt by being around us. And we just have to stop like, you 175 00:13:31.680 --> 00:13:35.080 know, not allow ourselves to go there, we have to see ourselves, 176 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:40.160 we have to choose that we are who God has declared us to be 177 00:13:40.160 --> 00:13:44.120 that we have that value that we as sons of God actually have his 178 00:13:44.120 --> 00:13:48.600 character. And then we need to learn to live more and more from 179 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:51.800 that character. But the same thing that I've been repeating 180 00:13:51.800 --> 00:13:55.680 multiple times is we have to receive ourselves exactly as we 181 00:13:55.720 --> 00:14:00.720 are, without, without requiring ourselves to be different. 182 00:14:02.080 --> 00:14:07.960 Meaning that we just have to love ourselves and accept 183 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:11.280 ourselves unconditionally without requiring ourselves to 184 00:14:11.280 --> 00:14:17.240 ever change, then we'll feel safe enough to change, we'll 185 00:14:17.240 --> 00:14:24.880 feel safe enough then to grow into and default back to acting 186 00:14:24.880 --> 00:14:29.760 as a son of God, you know, out of our being instead of being so 187 00:14:29.760 --> 00:14:34.120 afraid and operating out of trying to follow the rules in 188 00:14:34.120 --> 00:14:37.360 order to make sure we do everything right. In order to 189 00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:41.240 protect ourselves from other people in order to make sure 190 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:44.600 that God is pleased with this by how we treated other people and, 191 00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:51.040 and, and all that. So anyway, that that for me was really big 192 00:14:51.800 --> 00:14:57.040 was stepping out in faith. So having the faith and deciding, 193 00:14:57.040 --> 00:14:59.560 okay, if this is what God says about me, that I'm going to 194 00:14:59.560 --> 00:15:00.040 choose 195 00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:05.040 that that is the reality. In other words, I'm going to choose that that is who I am, 196 00:15:05.040 --> 00:15:08.960 because I don't feel like that's who I am. And I don't think that that's who I am. 197 00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:15.280 But if he says it, I'm going to choose that that actually is true. I'm not going to hope 198 00:15:15.280 --> 00:15:21.280 or wish that it's true. That won't work. I have to make a decision that it's true. 199 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:27.680 And it'll feel like I'm just making up whatever it is that I wish were true and that I want to 200 00:15:27.680 --> 00:15:34.160 believe. But it can't have that feeling of wish in it or want or hope or whatever. It has to be 201 00:15:34.880 --> 00:15:41.840 a marked decision that I've decided that this is who I am. Now, we're not making it up because 202 00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:50.480 God said it first, but it's going to feel so it will feel in such opposition to how we've typically 203 00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:57.600 been making decisions because we've been making decisions based on what on how we feel or what 204 00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:04.720 we think. And now we have to base our decision in actually something that God said in violation 205 00:16:05.520 --> 00:16:10.240 of what we think and what we feel. And that's a challenge to do, but we just have to do it. 206 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:17.760 And then when we do that, then we actually think, OK, if I if I believe that, then how would I act? 207 00:16:17.760 --> 00:16:23.840 Because we always act on what we believe. So if that is my new choice and that's my new belief, 208 00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:31.120 how would what would I do? Well, I wouldn't replay it because because the only reason I'm replaying 209 00:16:31.120 --> 00:16:38.400 it is I'm doubting that I handled it correctly. I'm doubting that I am believing that maybe I like 210 00:16:38.400 --> 00:16:47.120 damaged somebody else, you know, et cetera. And and we and instead we have to think, no, 211 00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:56.000 God says that I am not destructive to other people. I'm life giving. So therefore, I gave life 212 00:16:56.960 --> 00:17:04.240 and now I can move on and into something else. And so there's no need to replay it. There's 213 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:13.040 no need to expend double or triple the energy on on a conversation that took five minutes to have 214 00:17:13.040 --> 00:17:18.480 or whatever. The fact that you started and then you stopped and then it was over and then you 215 00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:23.359 moved on. So why on earth are we taking all this time in which we're not in this situation? 216 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:30.480 Why are we expending more energy on a situation that's no longer present? We've moved on. So why 217 00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:34.880 on earth are we giving like three to four times the energy on something that's already come and 218 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:42.160 ended? So that's what I decided to do is I thought, OK, well, if I believe this, then how would I act? 219 00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:46.560 What decision would I make? And I thought, well, I wouldn't replay it. And so I stopped doing it. 220 00:17:46.560 --> 00:17:52.320 And that that made a huge difference because, like I said, it broke an agreement. It made a 221 00:17:52.320 --> 00:18:01.920 different agreement with a new truth by, you know, by not replaying it. And it's that it's the new 222 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:08.400 choice that actually had the power to change something. It's not the not replaying it. 223 00:18:09.120 --> 00:18:14.640 It's the intentional choice that I'm making to believe that what God says is true. 224 00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:21.280 It's actually the thing that has the power to break me free from that bondage that I was in 225 00:18:21.280 --> 00:18:27.440 that was replaying things, et cetera. It's it's breaking me of my self-doubt. It's breaking me of my 226 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.560 my belief that I'm like destructive to myself and to other people. 227 00:18:33.200 --> 00:18:36.160 So that's really what it is that we're doing. 228 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:47.120 Yeah. And, you know, I hadn't that whole thing about being destructive. 229 00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:54.160 Yeah, that is really true. Yeah, we can't believe that. Yeah. 230 00:18:58.160 --> 00:18:59.520 Yeah. Oh, boy. 231 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:08.880 But what if, you know, maybe you were in a bad mood or something when you spoke 232 00:19:09.520 --> 00:19:14.720 and then, you know, you were grumpy. Do you need to go back and apologize? Because a lot of times 233 00:19:15.520 --> 00:19:20.320 I think, oh, I need to go back. And and that's partly why we. 234 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:29.680 I mean, most of the time I'm not, you know, it's fine, you know, as far as my attitude. 235 00:19:31.040 --> 00:19:38.880 One time. We'd started a project and then the guy left the company, 236 00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:43.520 then I had to explain the whole thing all over again to somebody else. 237 00:19:43.520 --> 00:19:48.240 Yeah. So I wasn't very happy about it. And 238 00:19:51.360 --> 00:19:55.040 so, you know, I just kind of felt like my attitude wasn't right. 239 00:19:58.560 --> 00:19:59.920 And kind of got off. 240 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:08.480 on the wrong foot with this other person. So I replay it. You know, I replayed it, 241 00:20:09.120 --> 00:20:13.360 because I'm trying to figure out, do I need to go back and apologize to that person? 242 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.800 Do you ever go back and apologize? Well, maybe you don't have the same problem. 243 00:20:19.520 --> 00:20:27.120 Oh, no, no, absolutely. And I'm trying to think of how to determine what or wouldn't. 244 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:34.160 And well, if I do, for one thing, one of the things that I realized is, and I had to have a 245 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:42.160 lot of people telling me this over a lot of years, that I saw things, I was so sensitive, 246 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:49.200 that I saw myself as, as being more mean than other people were taking me to be. 247 00:20:50.160 --> 00:20:55.840 And that they really were not being offended or, or even knew that I was upset. I did. 248 00:20:56.480 --> 00:21:00.720 And I knew that that wasn't a normal attitude for me. And I wouldn't normally talk like that 249 00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:05.040 and know everybody else, because they were used to people for that being other people, 250 00:21:05.040 --> 00:21:09.200 everybody else's norm. And that if they were mean, they were like, really mean, 251 00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:15.600 they didn't even notice that I had my attitude. And so that was one thing that I had to realize 252 00:21:15.600 --> 00:21:21.200 is, okay, well, how sensitive am I being? And am I actually not? Is it not something that anybody 253 00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:25.520 else noticed? And then I would just apologize the Lord, if I felt that it kind of fell in that 254 00:21:25.520 --> 00:21:33.280 category, if it was anything like more major, well, then I would apologize. But the by doing so, 255 00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:40.080 it if I mean, if I would do so, it's just, I wouldn't do it in the same way that I used to, 256 00:21:40.080 --> 00:21:45.120 which is like groveling and or even if I wouldn't grovel, how would I how would I put that it's 257 00:21:45.840 --> 00:21:52.720 just, just coming at it from this perspective that I'm shamed. And I'm just so sorry. And in 258 00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:57.360 other words, making a big deal out of it, I would apologize without making a big deal of it. 259 00:21:57.920 --> 00:22:02.240 You know, honor the other person, because that's what I'm trying to do by apologizing. So I would 260 00:22:02.240 --> 00:22:08.000 make sure that it was it was honorable, but I wouldn't make too big of a deal of it, I would 261 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:13.840 just make it sincere and then leave it. Now, it was another really big thing for me to learn 262 00:22:13.840 --> 00:22:19.920 is in just like in not replaying things, that when I would apologize for offenses that I wouldn't, 263 00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:25.120 that I wouldn't dwell on them, even with the other person, I wouldn't dwell on them, 264 00:22:25.120 --> 00:22:30.720 I would just be sincere and then boom, and then and then move on. I wouldn't take a lot of time 265 00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:39.280 on it. I wouldn't try to explain a lot. I would just get it done and move on. And I wouldn't allow 266 00:22:39.280 --> 00:22:52.480 myself like the the luxury of assuaging my, my, you know, my self made religious, religious 267 00:22:52.480 --> 00:23:01.280 conscience. I like spending a lot of time on it and like, yeah, a big deal of it. So because it's 268 00:23:01.280 --> 00:23:06.640 kind of similar to the idea that long, that short prayers are for God and long prayers are for our 269 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:14.160 soul. It's that kind of an idea is like, just realize that as long as that is the, the apology 270 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:19.760 is just sincere, you know, and meaning like, you're, you know, you're really serious, you're 271 00:23:19.760 --> 00:23:26.720 very intentional about it, when you're doing it, and just make it short, and just sincere, 272 00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:33.600 and that'll be that's, and that's enough, as opposed to like the longevity, or of it or 273 00:23:34.400 --> 00:23:37.440 the intensity or anything, it just needs sincerity. 274 00:23:39.120 --> 00:23:45.600 Yeah, I think there's probably shame in there, and you're, you're trying to make up for it. 275 00:23:45.600 --> 00:23:51.120 Correct, assuage this, the shame, and you're paying for it is what you're trying to do. 276 00:23:51.120 --> 00:23:58.400 You're trying to pay through guilt and shame for what it is that you've done, whether it's to God, 277 00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:02.160 yourself, or to someone else, whoever it is that we think that we're trying to assuage, 278 00:24:02.160 --> 00:24:07.920 we're trying to pay with it. And so we have to choose no, if God says that I'm not shamed, 279 00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:12.160 and I'm not condemned, then what would I do? How would I act, etc. 280 00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:16.800 That's a big thing. 281 00:24:16.800 --> 00:24:24.480 Oh, it's very big. Yeah, but again, and stuff like that, it's really hard, because there's reasons 282 00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:33.840 why we that there's reasons why we replay things. And there's reasons why we take a long time, 283 00:24:33.840 --> 00:24:40.160 or are very intense about our apologies. There's reasons why we're doing that. So to not allow 284 00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:47.840 ourselves to go there is can be can be very challenging, because we, we feel like we are 285 00:24:47.840 --> 00:24:55.200 putting ourselves in a place in which we're not in, in which we're unsafe. Because we're doing 286 00:24:55.200 --> 00:24:59.440 all those things in order to try to protect ourselves. So what we're having to do, and this 287 00:24:59.440 --> 00:24:59.920 is how it's 288 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:02.540 stepping out in faith is we are choosing 289 00:25:02.540 --> 00:25:04.680 that God is gonna be our protector. 290 00:25:06.040 --> 00:25:07.880 And that, and we release it to him, 291 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:10.240 we release the outcome to him, 292 00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:13.920 based off of the faith that we are not shamed, 293 00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:17.320 we are not condemned, we are not destructive. 294 00:25:17.320 --> 00:25:22.320 And I love the example that God spoke to Lindsay about, 295 00:25:23.560 --> 00:25:25.640 in reminding her about that ancient Jewish culture, 296 00:25:25.640 --> 00:25:27.320 you know, that she mentioned in her journey share, 297 00:25:27.320 --> 00:25:28.680 I thought that was amazing. 298 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.360 Of just connecting that, 299 00:25:34.360 --> 00:25:37.120 connecting that God is going to, 300 00:25:37.120 --> 00:25:39.960 that idea from that ancient Jewish culture, 301 00:25:39.960 --> 00:25:43.420 to the fact that God will cover us 302 00:25:43.420 --> 00:25:47.440 when we go out and have relationships with other people 303 00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:50.180 and interact with other people, 304 00:25:50.180 --> 00:25:51.600 that we just do our best. 305 00:25:51.600 --> 00:25:53.320 We're trying to learn who, 306 00:25:53.320 --> 00:25:55.240 what is it like to be a son of God 307 00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:56.680 under the sonship covenant? 308 00:25:56.680 --> 00:25:58.960 What is that like to live like that, 309 00:25:58.960 --> 00:26:01.380 to live within that sonship covenant? 310 00:26:03.520 --> 00:26:07.900 And then we just trust God to cover us while we're learning. 311 00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:10.280 Yeah. 312 00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:14.660 And to help take that weight and that responsibility 313 00:26:14.660 --> 00:26:17.260 that allows us to live free, 314 00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:22.940 to just be, even during the learning process. 315 00:26:23.820 --> 00:26:24.660 Hmm. 316 00:26:28.860 --> 00:26:33.460 And like I said, it's hard. 317 00:26:33.460 --> 00:26:38.460 So what we have to choose is that we're choosing God 318 00:26:38.620 --> 00:26:43.420 and we're choosing learning to live like a son 319 00:26:43.420 --> 00:26:48.100 over what it is that, over the self-protection 320 00:26:48.100 --> 00:26:50.260 and self-preservation of relationships 321 00:26:50.260 --> 00:26:53.020 and everything else that we feel like we're risking 322 00:26:53.020 --> 00:26:55.200 by not replaying things 323 00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:58.020 or by not making the apologies so intense 324 00:26:58.020 --> 00:27:02.140 and I don't know, groveling or full of shame 325 00:27:02.140 --> 00:27:04.260 or however you would phrase that. 326 00:27:05.300 --> 00:27:08.940 That we're choosing instead to learn, 327 00:27:08.940 --> 00:27:11.180 even if we're making mistakes while we do it, 328 00:27:11.180 --> 00:27:15.980 to learn to live like a son rather than protect ourselves 329 00:27:15.980 --> 00:27:20.200 and preserve the relationships that we have 330 00:27:21.140 --> 00:27:23.120 by trying to follow specific formulas 331 00:27:23.120 --> 00:27:25.360 to try to control an outcome. 332 00:27:25.360 --> 00:27:28.200 And we have to let that go and choose instead 333 00:27:28.200 --> 00:27:30.160 as more important to us. 334 00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:35.160 It choose that acting and being like a true son of God 335 00:27:36.320 --> 00:27:38.160 is more important to us. 336 00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:39.460 We have to choose that. 337 00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:44.840 Yeah. 338 00:27:45.800 --> 00:27:49.640 Allow God to, and allow to, and trust 339 00:27:49.640 --> 00:27:52.960 that God has the grace to cover us 340 00:27:52.960 --> 00:27:55.900 and protect us in our mistakes while we're learning. 341 00:28:05.040 --> 00:28:05.880 Yeah. 342 00:28:08.280 --> 00:28:11.360 I do that sometimes too, when I give a message, 343 00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:14.080 you know, when I've spoken, 344 00:28:15.120 --> 00:28:19.280 I mean, I don't speak that much anymore, 345 00:28:19.280 --> 00:28:22.400 but, you know, I have some opportunities coming up, 346 00:28:22.400 --> 00:28:27.400 but I know in the past, I've looked at what I said 347 00:28:28.280 --> 00:28:30.200 and, oh, I should have said it this way. 348 00:28:30.200 --> 00:28:33.280 It would have, oh, I should have added this in 349 00:28:33.280 --> 00:28:34.960 or not said that. 350 00:28:34.960 --> 00:28:38.440 It's the same sort of thing, don't you think? 351 00:28:38.440 --> 00:28:39.360 Yes, it is. 352 00:28:39.400 --> 00:28:44.400 In fact, what got me over that was a little bit of both. 353 00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:48.680 Partly it was, I refuse to allow myself to replay things. 354 00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:51.080 And then, you know, that all of my teachings are recorded. 355 00:28:51.080 --> 00:28:54.400 So see, I had that opportunity to go back and watch stuff. 356 00:28:54.400 --> 00:28:56.520 So one, I've done it both ways. 357 00:28:56.520 --> 00:28:57.860 I've done it where I don't allow myself 358 00:28:57.860 --> 00:28:58.840 to go back and watch. 359 00:28:58.840 --> 00:29:00.400 And then I've done it where I allow myself 360 00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:01.320 to go back and watch. 361 00:29:01.320 --> 00:29:05.660 And when I do, I realize that I did just fine. 362 00:29:06.540 --> 00:29:10.260 And I realized that I spoke better than I felt 363 00:29:10.260 --> 00:29:14.100 that I did in the time, that it came across very clearly. 364 00:29:14.100 --> 00:29:16.220 And at the time I thought that it wasn't, 365 00:29:16.220 --> 00:29:18.220 I thought that it wasn't building on itself 366 00:29:18.220 --> 00:29:20.140 in a way that people would be understood. 367 00:29:20.140 --> 00:29:22.900 And then I watched it and realized, no, that was just fine. 368 00:29:22.900 --> 00:29:25.700 It was, so I realized that there was no point 369 00:29:25.700 --> 00:29:29.500 in doubting myself and to just allow myself 370 00:29:29.500 --> 00:29:32.020 to just kind of flow with the spirit 371 00:29:32.020 --> 00:29:34.620 and just whatever came out, allow it to come out 372 00:29:34.660 --> 00:29:36.160 and not second guess myself. 373 00:29:36.160 --> 00:29:39.980 Because when I watched, went back and watched the replays, 374 00:29:39.980 --> 00:29:42.040 I thought, oh, well, my goodness, 375 00:29:42.040 --> 00:29:44.820 that was so much better than I thought that it was. 376 00:29:44.820 --> 00:29:48.220 In fact, not only was it not bad, it was really good. 377 00:29:48.220 --> 00:29:50.220 And while I was in it though, 378 00:29:50.220 --> 00:29:52.540 while I was going through the teaching, I'd be like, 379 00:29:52.540 --> 00:29:54.620 I really don't feel like I can get my footing. 380 00:29:54.620 --> 00:29:56.740 You know, I really am struggling here. 381 00:29:56.740 --> 00:30:00.100 And in fact, I was listening to someone the other day teach. 382 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:01.480 And then they confided in me later. 383 00:30:01.480 --> 00:30:02.760 They were like so embarrassed. 384 00:30:02.760 --> 00:30:03.800 They were like, oh my word. 385 00:30:03.800 --> 00:30:07.160 I just felt like I lost my footing at the very beginning of the teaching. 386 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:09.520 And then I could never get it again. 387 00:30:09.520 --> 00:30:11.560 So I was just fumbling all over the place. 388 00:30:11.560 --> 00:30:15.120 And I thought, and I told them this, I said, I'm really surprised 389 00:30:15.120 --> 00:30:18.480 to hear you, to hear you say that because I thought it was great. 390 00:30:19.080 --> 00:30:22.000 In fact, while you were talking, I was thinking, this is so wonderful. 391 00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:26.080 I wish that they would talk more, you know, and while they were sitting 392 00:30:26.080 --> 00:30:29.240 there thinking like, Hey, I'm used to talking in front of people. 393 00:30:29.640 --> 00:30:35.440 And I felt very, I felt like I couldn't get ever get a foothold in, in my, in 394 00:30:35.440 --> 00:30:39.240 the, in the flow of the teaching and kind of grab a hold of like moving in the 395 00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:40.680 spirit or whatever they were saying. 396 00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:42.800 And, and I said, are you kidding? 397 00:30:42.800 --> 00:30:43.800 I thought the opposite. 398 00:30:43.800 --> 00:30:44.720 I thought it was perfect. 399 00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:47.880 I thought you spoke right to what needed to be spoken to in the moment. 400 00:30:48.760 --> 00:30:51.760 Anyway, so we just doubt ourselves a lot more than is necessary. 401 00:30:51.760 --> 00:30:56.400 So I've just learned that however it is that I taught, it really was, and I'm 402 00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:59.720 just using teaching as an example, because it's, you know, like what you 403 00:30:59.720 --> 00:31:02.720 brought up, it's just some kind of something that where you're presenting 404 00:31:02.720 --> 00:31:05.560 yourself to other people and you question. 405 00:31:06.040 --> 00:31:08.320 You know, how did I present myself? 406 00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:09.720 How did I teach? 407 00:31:09.720 --> 00:31:10.600 How did I talk? 408 00:31:10.600 --> 00:31:11.880 You know, was it useful? 409 00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:13.000 Was it successful? 410 00:31:13.000 --> 00:31:15.120 Was it, you know, did it hit home? 411 00:31:15.760 --> 00:31:21.280 And, um, and I've just had, and I've just learned, nope, the Lord can cut the 412 00:31:21.280 --> 00:31:28.120 Lord covers me and the Lord, um, and there's more being done in the spirit 413 00:31:28.280 --> 00:31:36.440 than I am realizing, or that I, or that is actually connected at all to how I 414 00:31:36.440 --> 00:31:42.280 said it, that I, that the spirit is moving and doing things even, uh, 415 00:31:42.320 --> 00:31:51.000 regardless of how, how polished that I may or may not sound, which I don't 416 00:31:51.000 --> 00:31:55.800 think that I have, I mean, I can teach, I can teach and I can speak fun public, 417 00:31:55.800 --> 00:32:00.840 but there's some multiple things that I think that I don't do as well as other 418 00:32:00.840 --> 00:32:03.960 people in, in, in speaking and in teaching. 419 00:32:03.960 --> 00:32:08.640 And therefore I noticed those things and I just have to realize, you know what? 420 00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:12.840 That's just who I am and where I am right now on my teaching and speaking skills. 421 00:32:12.880 --> 00:32:22.280 And so God uses me in the spirit and he doesn't have to rely on my, on my style 422 00:32:22.280 --> 00:32:25.560 or on my skill, he just allows you just. 423 00:32:26.360 --> 00:32:31.240 You know, the power, just like Paul said that he mentions this as well. 424 00:32:31.520 --> 00:32:37.960 He said that, that, that the power is in the spirit, not in what you say, but yeah. 425 00:32:39.200 --> 00:32:39.880 Yeah. 426 00:32:42.880 --> 00:32:43.360 But yeah. 427 00:32:43.360 --> 00:32:48.960 So when I teach as well, I, um, I just have to let it go and be like, okay, there 428 00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:54.680 it was, Laura, do with it what you want, because yeah, and then just go on, like 429 00:32:54.680 --> 00:33:01.800 truly in faith, like, okay, God, if you say that, um, you know, if I'm going to 430 00:33:01.800 --> 00:33:07.320 trust that this really was good, that you really are using it, I just did my best. 431 00:33:07.320 --> 00:33:11.080 I'm not saying that it looks the best, most polished I've ever been, or I've 432 00:33:11.080 --> 00:33:15.640 ever spoken, it's just Lord, when I was in the moment, I was in the moment 433 00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:17.480 and I was just being me. 434 00:33:18.280 --> 00:33:21.920 And so Lord, just, I just asked that you use me and then I move on. 435 00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:23.360 But yeah. 436 00:33:25.160 --> 00:33:26.560 Yeah, that's good. 437 00:33:27.120 --> 00:33:27.640 Yeah. 438 00:33:27.720 --> 00:33:34.720 Cause I, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not 439 00:33:35.360 --> 00:33:41.480 you know, that comes up all the time. 440 00:33:41.600 --> 00:33:42.240 Yeah. 441 00:33:42.880 --> 00:33:49.840 I mean, I, uh, I was, have you heard of the perspectives course? 442 00:33:52.560 --> 00:34:00.080 It's a missions course and it's, you know, worldwide now pretty much, but, um, I've 443 00:34:00.080 --> 00:34:06.560 attended it a couple of times and I was on the coordination committee, um, last 444 00:34:06.560 --> 00:34:16.440 year and I, I wrote a devotional using some of my experiences in Japan and I was 445 00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:23.199 presenting it and I think what I wrote was really good is presenting it to give to 446 00:34:23.199 --> 00:34:23.600 them. 447 00:34:24.400 --> 00:34:35.760 I, um, I forgot something, you know, I was, it was like the last, um, was it the last 448 00:34:35.760 --> 00:34:36.440 gathering? 449 00:34:36.440 --> 00:34:37.480 I think it was. 450 00:34:37.520 --> 00:34:40.920 And we had people from mission organizations there. 451 00:34:41.960 --> 00:34:49.000 And, and I, I lost what I was wanting to say. 452 00:34:49.560 --> 00:34:56.440 And then like that friend of yours, it was like, it was like, it ruined the whole 453 00:34:56.440 --> 00:34:56.800 thing. 454 00:34:56.800 --> 00:34:59.400 I couldn't, you know, get your footing. 455 00:34:59.520 --> 00:35:00.000 Yeah. 456 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:10.160 And then after that, and I gave it out, and I got no response, 457 00:35:10.800 --> 00:35:15.480 no response from people. Nobody said anything about it. And 458 00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:21.400 then the interesting thing was, I sent it to my Indian pastor 459 00:35:21.400 --> 00:35:29.320 friend. And he really liked it. Yeah. And he even used part of 460 00:35:29.320 --> 00:35:35.980 it in a message. Oh, wow. That's so cool. Yeah. So it was very 461 00:35:35.980 --> 00:35:42.280 interesting. But I went over my mistake, my forgetting what I 462 00:35:42.280 --> 00:35:48.160 wanted to say, over and over and over so many times. Like I and I 463 00:35:48.160 --> 00:35:54.040 guess it was shame and and my way of trying to protect 464 00:35:54.040 --> 00:35:59.760 myself or Yeah, it was awful. Yeah. makes the feelings so much 465 00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:05.720 worse. It does. It does. It feeds the pain. Yeah. And I 466 00:36:05.720 --> 00:36:14.080 could have just you know, just let it I mean, left the outcome 467 00:36:14.080 --> 00:36:18.280 with God. And, you know, it doesn't matter if nobody reads 468 00:36:18.280 --> 00:36:25.880 it, you know, I did that out of love, and the Lord directed me 469 00:36:25.880 --> 00:36:31.280 in that. And, and then, you know, the good response I got 470 00:36:31.280 --> 00:36:39.560 from my Indian pastor friend. So, but it's kind of Yeah, it's 471 00:36:39.560 --> 00:36:45.360 kind of interesting how there's ways that that I protect 472 00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:50.880 myself or we we I mean, I think people do it that you don't even 473 00:36:50.880 --> 00:36:57.360 realize it. You know, like, when you make a mistake, and yeah. 474 00:37:02.040 --> 00:37:05.120 I'm muted. I didn't know why I was muted. So I was saying, 475 00:37:05.120 --> 00:37:08.200 yeah, it's like I didn't mute myself. So I don't know what I 476 00:37:08.200 --> 00:37:15.240 did. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, and when I when I do zoom 477 00:37:15.240 --> 00:37:18.920 calls with them. I don't have this background. I I have a 478 00:37:18.920 --> 00:37:24.400 curtain over here. I have the curtain as my background. But 479 00:37:24.440 --> 00:37:27.880 when we have these meetings, you know, I don't Oh, yeah, don't 480 00:37:27.880 --> 00:37:31.000 pull it all around. Yeah. I don't go to the trouble of 481 00:37:31.360 --> 00:37:38.760 Yeah, I don't blame you. hiding my stuff. Yeah. And anyway, but 482 00:37:38.840 --> 00:37:39.360 um, 483 00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:44.480 yeah, that whole thing of shame. And it's like, 484 00:37:46.600 --> 00:37:50.080 the shame, it's almost like it's payment for what we've done 485 00:37:50.080 --> 00:37:54.360 wrong. Yeah. And that weird. Yeah. Just kind of like we have 486 00:37:54.360 --> 00:37:59.120 the shame is as apologizing, apologizing. So Lord, I think 487 00:37:59.120 --> 00:38:04.440 that I told you, right that I had. It's me train. I've been 488 00:38:04.960 --> 00:38:07.640 drinking coffee all morning. So I'm like, I don't want to get 489 00:38:07.920 --> 00:38:13.880 taste out of my mouth. And I told you right that I had that 490 00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:20.320 I had to stop apologizing to the Lord in order to get out of 491 00:38:20.320 --> 00:38:25.160 using apologizing to him as payment to try to get him to 492 00:38:25.160 --> 00:38:30.400 connect with me again. Did I talk about that? I don't think 493 00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:36.440 so. Okay. So when I was trying to learn to take the Lord at his 494 00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:39.880 word that he that what he said about me was true. And what he 495 00:38:39.880 --> 00:38:43.160 said about himself was true. And that he never loses that I 496 00:38:43.160 --> 00:38:46.080 abided in him that he always connected with me always talks 497 00:38:46.080 --> 00:38:48.240 with me if I'm always in him that I'm always connected and 498 00:38:48.240 --> 00:38:51.960 never disconnected. I never separated even when I sin. I 499 00:38:51.960 --> 00:38:56.440 thought, okay, that's true. Then what would I do? And I thought, 500 00:38:56.440 --> 00:39:04.280 well, then I wouldn't feel like I had to hurry. And I wouldn't 501 00:39:04.280 --> 00:39:08.280 feel like I was, I wouldn't believe that I was separated in 502 00:39:08.280 --> 00:39:11.120 that I had to hurry and apologize whenever I caught 503 00:39:11.120 --> 00:39:14.640 myself doing something wrong, just in order to reconnect with 504 00:39:14.640 --> 00:39:21.560 him. And, and so, because I could tell myself that all I 505 00:39:21.560 --> 00:39:27.120 wanted, but if I kept trying, but I found that whenever I 506 00:39:27.120 --> 00:39:32.680 would apologize to him, I, I was, I had, I was so much of the 507 00:39:32.680 --> 00:39:38.720 habit of using it as a currency to reconnect with him. Like his 508 00:39:38.720 --> 00:39:43.360 payment, you know, his currency, that in order to teach myself to 509 00:39:43.360 --> 00:39:48.240 separate it from currency, and buying his affection and buying 510 00:39:48.240 --> 00:39:56.560 his connection, I had to not apologize until I made the 511 00:39:56.560 --> 00:39:59.840 point to connect with him and to ask him for 512 00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:07.840 thing. In other words, take him at his word. If he says I'm not disconnected and he says he loves 513 00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:14.400 me anyway, and that sin does not affect his and my connection and relationship and love and all of 514 00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:21.760 that, then I've got to, I've got to choose that that's true. And the way that I can help myself 515 00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:28.480 do that is not allow myself to use anything as payment. And so I would connect with him without 516 00:40:28.480 --> 00:40:33.520 the payment. In other words, without the apology, I would ask him for something and whatever. And 517 00:40:33.520 --> 00:40:42.080 once I got, once I made that choice where I realized, okay, I, I really am mainly meeting 518 00:40:42.080 --> 00:40:47.120 with the Lord. He really is receiving me and accepting me, even though I haven't apologized 519 00:40:47.120 --> 00:40:56.400 for the sin that I've done. And he, uh, and so he really is and is showing up as he says he is. 520 00:40:57.360 --> 00:41:05.360 Then my apology was no longer, I no longer considered it currency because now I don't 521 00:41:05.360 --> 00:41:12.560 have to pay for something I have. I chose that I wasn't disconnected. And so I would connect with 522 00:41:12.560 --> 00:41:17.440 the Lord and I would ask him for things and he would give me those things and whatever. And I'm 523 00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:23.600 like, wow, even without apologies, well, this is amazing. So once I finally was able to disconnect 524 00:41:23.600 --> 00:41:32.640 my apology from being, using it as some kind of a, of a means of transacting something from God to 525 00:41:32.640 --> 00:41:38.400 me, in other words, getting something from God, then I could apologize without it having any of 526 00:41:38.400 --> 00:41:44.160 those strings attached. And the whole apology was simply Lord, I have relationship with you. 527 00:41:44.160 --> 00:41:49.920 And if I've hurt you, I'm really sorry, you know, whatever, but I'm not like trying to get something 528 00:41:50.720 --> 00:41:57.520 that I don't have until I apologize. And then I get it. I realized I had it without apologizing. 529 00:41:57.520 --> 00:42:03.280 So now my apology could be offered to the Lord just out of relationship. In other words, just 530 00:42:03.280 --> 00:42:16.400 out of freedom and no longer out of obligation. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's huge. I know. No. Yeah. 531 00:42:16.960 --> 00:42:24.400 So that's what helped me was to not allow myself to apologize until, and then to connect with God, 532 00:42:25.040 --> 00:42:32.240 even, even without, even before I would, you know, say I was sorry or feel bad or anything, 533 00:42:32.240 --> 00:42:36.640 I would connect with God. I'd believe that he loved me, that I was abiding in him, that we 534 00:42:36.640 --> 00:42:44.560 were, that he was just as happy with me now as he was before I sinned and all of that. And then once 535 00:42:44.560 --> 00:42:49.760 I, and then I would choose that. And then he would show up like that. I would connect with 536 00:42:49.760 --> 00:42:55.120 him and I'd feel him and I'd sense him and I'd sense his joy. And I'd sense his pleasure because 537 00:42:55.120 --> 00:42:59.680 I would choose that it was true. If he said it, that I made a choice in a decision that that was 538 00:42:59.680 --> 00:43:06.400 true. And then I would feel it. It's like God would show up after I decided to believe him. 539 00:43:07.680 --> 00:43:13.280 Then whatever it is that I decided to believe him in, he would reveal himself to be that thing. He 540 00:43:13.280 --> 00:43:21.600 would show up like that, but only after I agreed with it first. Anyway. And then, and then anyway, 541 00:43:21.600 --> 00:43:29.040 I would do that. I do that in order to disconnect, in order to disconnect my attachment of an 542 00:43:29.040 --> 00:43:36.160 apology and shame to, to trying to get something from God. So I would use that to disconnect. 543 00:43:36.160 --> 00:43:43.040 And then once it was disconnected, then and once I no longer had it attached to the apologies, 544 00:43:43.040 --> 00:43:47.040 then I would, would apologize just because I'm in relationship with God, just like, Oh God, 545 00:43:47.040 --> 00:43:52.960 you know, I'm so sorry. I'm just apologizing just because, you know, we're in relationship and I 546 00:43:52.960 --> 00:43:57.200 don't want her to, and I want you to know that. And so we're talking about it, but I'm no longer 547 00:43:57.200 --> 00:44:02.720 trying to get something from God that I don't have until I apologize. I have it without the 548 00:44:02.720 --> 00:44:08.720 apology. So once I realized I have it without the apology, now I can apologize free and my own free 549 00:44:08.720 --> 00:44:15.760 will without obligation. Cause I'm not trying to, I don't believe I'm in lack. And then I'm 550 00:44:15.760 --> 00:44:23.840 trying to obtain something with the apology. It was payment or shame is payment or guilt is payment. 551 00:44:23.840 --> 00:44:32.800 You know, don't you think? I mean, I think we were taught growing up that we had to apologize 552 00:44:32.800 --> 00:44:38.000 to get back into fellowship with God, right? We did. Yeah. And I was blatantly told, 553 00:44:38.880 --> 00:44:44.320 blatantly told by my fourth grade Sunday school teacher that it was Sunday school, meaning like 554 00:44:44.320 --> 00:44:50.640 he was my school teacher, but he taught me my Bible class. And he said that God stops talking 555 00:44:50.640 --> 00:44:56.400 to you when you sin. I was like, Oh, I don't ever want God to stop talking to me. It would 556 00:44:56.400 --> 00:44:59.840 terrify me because not only did I think, Oh my goodness. So when I do something. 557 00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:03.740 intentionally wrong. God stops talking to me, but this is the 558 00:45:03.740 --> 00:45:06.580 same teacher that also taught me that the Israelites had a 559 00:45:06.580 --> 00:45:11.180 specific sacrifice that God said was for all of the sins that 560 00:45:11.180 --> 00:45:13.680 they committed that they didn't even know that they committed. 561 00:45:14.240 --> 00:45:17.880 And this was to cover them and everything extra that they 562 00:45:17.880 --> 00:45:20.240 didn't even know. I mean, there's all the other sacrifices 563 00:45:20.240 --> 00:45:22.640 for all the things they knew that they did. But then there 564 00:45:22.640 --> 00:45:25.220 was a whole, there was a blanket one to cover everything else 565 00:45:25.220 --> 00:45:27.780 that they did that they didn't weren't even aware of. And I 566 00:45:27.780 --> 00:45:31.740 thought, Oh, my word. So how do I know then when God, how do I 567 00:45:31.740 --> 00:45:35.180 know if I've done one of those sins, and that God's no longer 568 00:45:35.180 --> 00:45:38.940 talking to me, but I didn't even know that I'd send to get to 569 00:45:38.940 --> 00:45:41.660 this position. And now God's not talking to me. Well, how did I 570 00:45:41.660 --> 00:45:45.580 know, you know, and so what I did was just to cover myself and 571 00:45:45.580 --> 00:45:47.540 to make sure I could always stay in connection with God is I 572 00:45:47.540 --> 00:45:50.940 would apologize all the time, all day long. I would repent. 573 00:45:51.540 --> 00:45:55.740 Because the next time I would do something that I didn't know I 574 00:45:55.740 --> 00:46:04.500 done. You know? So I think my thing is hiding from him. You 575 00:46:04.500 --> 00:46:05.900 know, like, yeah. 576 00:46:07.060 --> 00:46:11.660 Which is what Adam and Eve did. They hid. Yes. Yeah. I mean, as 577 00:46:11.660 --> 00:46:16.900 if I can hide from him. I know, but it's shame. And God says 578 00:46:16.900 --> 00:46:20.820 that we don't need to do that anymore. Because remember, they 579 00:46:20.820 --> 00:46:23.500 hid because of their vulnerability because they were 580 00:46:23.500 --> 00:46:29.060 exposed. But remember that now you can't be exposed like that 581 00:46:29.060 --> 00:46:32.900 your vulnerability is always covered in your intimacy with 582 00:46:32.900 --> 00:46:36.940 him. It's always covered in the fact that you're in him. So you 583 00:46:36.940 --> 00:46:41.300 have no, not only can you not hide, we no longer have a reason 584 00:46:41.300 --> 00:46:45.140 to hide from him. Because it's we're hiding out of self 585 00:46:45.140 --> 00:46:49.340 protection, but it's actually in him that we find our safety is 586 00:46:49.340 --> 00:46:54.020 being covered by him, that we actually are safe, as opposed to 587 00:46:54.020 --> 00:46:56.940 trying to need to find our own safety. So what he wants is he 588 00:46:56.940 --> 00:47:01.180 wants to be believed that he's the safe thing to be covered by. 589 00:47:02.420 --> 00:47:05.460 Yeah, you're absolutely right. We do we hide from him, because 590 00:47:05.460 --> 00:47:09.340 we don't believe he's safe. We believe that we've done 591 00:47:09.340 --> 00:47:14.300 something, and that we're not safe with him. Because, you 592 00:47:14.300 --> 00:47:16.700 know, if this thing that we've done, or this thing that we are 593 00:47:16.700 --> 00:47:19.900 or whatever. And that's why I think it's so very important to 594 00:47:19.900 --> 00:47:23.900 express to people that we are not sinners that are simply 595 00:47:23.900 --> 00:47:29.500 covered by this blanket of blood of Jesus Christ, and that God 596 00:47:29.500 --> 00:47:32.900 only looks at the blood of Jesus Christ, but doesn't see the 597 00:47:32.900 --> 00:47:36.580 sinful person that's simply being covered. You know, it's 598 00:47:36.580 --> 00:47:40.260 like, no, we've actually been changed. And so he see we've 599 00:47:40.260 --> 00:47:46.020 been washed by the blood. I don't know what's going on out 600 00:47:46.020 --> 00:47:49.100 there. And so now we are completely we're completely 601 00:47:49.100 --> 00:47:52.940 transformed. We're new creatures. And God can look on 602 00:47:52.940 --> 00:47:57.500 us now. He doesn't have to hide himself from us. We don't have 603 00:47:57.500 --> 00:48:01.820 to hide ourselves from him. Even when we sin, we've already been 604 00:48:01.820 --> 00:48:04.620 washed by the blood, we don't have to continue to be washed. 605 00:48:04.900 --> 00:48:08.300 He can still look on us even when we've sinned, because 606 00:48:08.660 --> 00:48:12.020 Christ has made the payment already for the sin that we 607 00:48:12.020 --> 00:48:15.780 committed. And that all the sins that we're going to commit. So 608 00:48:15.780 --> 00:48:19.300 even while even when we've committed a sin, and we're in 609 00:48:19.300 --> 00:48:24.060 the sin, in other words, we've, we haven't, like, I say in the 610 00:48:24.060 --> 00:48:28.060 sin, meaning like we haven't, like made us we haven't 611 00:48:28.060 --> 00:48:31.740 apologized, we were, we're intentionally doing it, we 612 00:48:31.740 --> 00:48:34.460 haven't repented. That's what I'm saying. We haven't changed 613 00:48:34.460 --> 00:48:38.380 directions, we're still doing this thing. Even then God can 614 00:48:38.380 --> 00:48:42.740 look at us because we're still the that sin that we're doing 615 00:48:42.740 --> 00:48:49.500 has already been paid for. Mm hmm. So there's nothing to pay 616 00:48:49.500 --> 00:48:54.460 for even while we're doing it. Not even an apology. Sorry, for 617 00:48:54.460 --> 00:48:59.100 what we are currently doing while we are sending is already 618 00:48:59.100 --> 00:49:03.460 while we're doing it is already paid for. There's no restitution 619 00:49:03.460 --> 00:49:09.100 required. It really is that free. And it's very hard for us 620 00:49:09.100 --> 00:49:14.100 to understand that, especially when, for 1000s of years, it was 621 00:49:14.100 --> 00:49:18.780 drilled into humanity, that, and then of course, us in the New 622 00:49:18.780 --> 00:49:21.340 Testament, not only do we carry that in our DNA, that old 623 00:49:21.340 --> 00:49:27.060 covenant, and, you know, from our ancestors, but also, and any 624 00:49:27.060 --> 00:49:30.780 agreements that they made under that. But also, we've been 625 00:49:30.780 --> 00:49:34.420 taught by so much in our like churches and ideologies that, 626 00:49:35.300 --> 00:49:40.820 uh, that we have to work to please the Lord. Anyway. 627 00:49:41.660 --> 00:49:48.340 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah, we 628 00:49:49.420 --> 00:49:55.580 I had sort of a motto song when I was young when I was growing 629 00:49:55.580 --> 00:49:59.980 up. And I think the first part of it is striving to please 630 00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.880 him in all that I do. Oh, God, living for Jesus. Yeah. And 631 00:50:05.880 --> 00:50:14.040 it's, it was all about striving. And there's a woman that I, you 632 00:50:14.040 --> 00:50:19.860 know, have received teaching from and she has said, if you 633 00:50:19.860 --> 00:50:22.440 want to be blessed, you need to obey. 634 00:50:23.680 --> 00:50:24.360 Oh, goodness. 635 00:50:24.440 --> 00:50:31.200 Well, yes. And, you know, I just have not felt that that was 636 00:50:31.240 --> 00:50:38.560 right. Because I mean, new covenant is it's like, we have 637 00:50:38.560 --> 00:50:43.760 everything before we do anything. Correct? Yeah. And 638 00:50:43.960 --> 00:50:47.960 yeah, I mean, I think, you know, because she's going back to the 639 00:50:47.960 --> 00:50:51.800 Old Testament. And, you know, if they did this, then they'd be 640 00:50:51.800 --> 00:50:56.240 blessed. Correct? Yeah. And that's what Paul has to say, 641 00:50:56.240 --> 00:50:59.840 don't use your freedom as a license to sin, because it 642 00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:05.060 really is this free. Yeah, that type of freedom scares people 643 00:51:05.060 --> 00:51:12.440 because you can't, there's no, there's no borders to work 644 00:51:12.440 --> 00:51:16.160 within that you that we typically rely on as our sense 645 00:51:16.160 --> 00:51:20.000 of safety, as we rely on structures and predictability 646 00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:23.160 and formulas to keep us safe. And if that's what we're relying 647 00:51:23.160 --> 00:51:25.760 on, then when God says, No, no, no, you're freer than that. And 648 00:51:25.760 --> 00:51:30.240 I'm removing them all. We feel scared. Because we've been 649 00:51:30.240 --> 00:51:33.400 relying on borders and structures and laws and rules 650 00:51:33.400 --> 00:51:39.080 and formulas. And because we can use them to predict our own and 651 00:51:39.640 --> 00:51:44.360 to determine our own outcomes in our life, which makes us feel 652 00:51:44.400 --> 00:51:49.360 secure because it makes us feel in control. Yeah, yeah, that's 653 00:51:49.360 --> 00:51:52.960 why God had to say no, it's a lot freer than that. But don't 654 00:51:52.960 --> 00:51:56.320 use your freedom as a license to sin. The fact that when you're 655 00:51:56.320 --> 00:52:00.520 sinning, it's already covered anyway. While you're doing it, 656 00:52:00.520 --> 00:52:04.960 it's already covered. So there's no payment that's required. It's 657 00:52:04.960 --> 00:52:08.280 very different. Yeah. Then what it was for 1000s of years. 658 00:52:09.160 --> 00:52:15.480 Yeah, yeah. And there, I don't know, but there's not, I haven't 659 00:52:15.480 --> 00:52:21.120 come across a church. Well, I can't say that. But there aren't 660 00:52:21.120 --> 00:52:23.160 many churches that actually teach that. 661 00:52:24.320 --> 00:52:28.080 You know, yeah, well, there's a lot of churches that I mean, 662 00:52:28.080 --> 00:52:30.560 not Yeah, not every church teaches that there's a lot of 663 00:52:30.560 --> 00:52:34.280 churches that teach it, but don't know how it works in, in 664 00:52:34.280 --> 00:52:39.720 practical in, in practicality. Like, what does that mean that 665 00:52:39.720 --> 00:52:43.520 we live like? And what does that mean of what we can expect from 666 00:52:43.520 --> 00:52:47.880 other people? And if churches feel like they can't get a 667 00:52:47.920 --> 00:52:51.400 control of people and make sure that they're always doing 668 00:52:51.400 --> 00:52:55.200 everything right? Well, then they all talk out of one side 669 00:52:55.200 --> 00:53:00.240 of their mouths, which is grace, and love and freedom and sin is 670 00:53:00.240 --> 00:53:04.840 paid for. But the way that they act in the way that they in the 671 00:53:04.840 --> 00:53:07.480 standards that they hold themselves and other people to 672 00:53:07.640 --> 00:53:11.200 shows that there is no grace, and that it's all about what you 673 00:53:11.200 --> 00:53:13.520 do. And it's all about obedience. And it's all about 674 00:53:13.520 --> 00:53:19.760 what can we tell by your fruit, that that what you're doing is 675 00:53:19.760 --> 00:53:24.040 good or godly or whatever. But we're, but we are looking at it 676 00:53:24.040 --> 00:53:28.360 through the view and the standard of the world and how 677 00:53:28.360 --> 00:53:33.800 the world tests things and makes determinations about outcomes. 678 00:53:34.720 --> 00:53:37.280 Because it says that man, it says that man looks at the 679 00:53:37.280 --> 00:53:41.280 outside, but God looks at the heart. So God, and the things 680 00:53:41.280 --> 00:53:45.000 of the spirit can only be understood by the spirit. So if 681 00:53:45.000 --> 00:53:47.440 we're trying to look at it through our own soul, and trying 682 00:53:47.440 --> 00:53:52.680 to determine whether or not it's okay, you know, then, then we're 683 00:53:52.720 --> 00:53:56.240 going to miss the mark. So anyway, but that's why a lot of 684 00:53:56.280 --> 00:54:00.400 a lot of churches either don't teach it, or they teach it in 685 00:54:01.440 --> 00:54:06.400 theory only. But the practical way that they live it out, or 686 00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:09.880 the practical things of like how they teach you to apply it 687 00:54:10.080 --> 00:54:15.360 doesn't match with what they're saying over here, where there is 688 00:54:15.360 --> 00:54:22.560 grace, and there is, and your sin is paid for, etc. Yeah, 689 00:54:22.600 --> 00:54:27.160 yeah, walking out of both sides of their mouth, and they don't 690 00:54:27.600 --> 00:54:28.520 realize it. 691 00:54:29.360 --> 00:54:36.400 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and hearing them say, we're just a 692 00:54:36.400 --> 00:54:40.080 sinner saved by grace. Yeah, that's what I grew up hearing. 693 00:54:40.080 --> 00:54:49.800 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the music director, who used to be 694 00:54:49.800 --> 00:54:53.160 the music director at the church I used to go to, she would say 695 00:54:53.160 --> 00:54:58.040 that we're just sinners saved by grace. You know, like it puts 696 00:54:58.040 --> 00:55:00.040 through depressing. Yes. 697 00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:06.400 And it, it's supposed to put, you know, give God glory, but I know, no, it doesn't. 698 00:55:06.400 --> 00:55:07.400 Yeah. 699 00:55:07.400 --> 00:55:08.400 Yeah. 700 00:55:08.400 --> 00:55:12.520 But then we're, in order to do that, we're not agreeing with what he said about himself 701 00:55:12.520 --> 00:55:15.920 and what he said about us and, and yeah. 702 00:55:15.920 --> 00:55:20.440 And that's the thing is that, um, I think I may have mentioned this to y'all that I 703 00:55:20.440 --> 00:55:29.080 had someone tell us, or someone tell me, uh, or ask me, actually, how do I, how do we convince 704 00:55:29.080 --> 00:55:38.040 our children of their need for a savior, unless they know how bad they are as a sinner. 705 00:55:38.040 --> 00:55:46.600 It was like, well, think of it this way, you know, is God only good because there's evil 706 00:55:46.600 --> 00:55:54.560 and is God only, um, is God only desirable simply because it's the option that gives 707 00:55:54.560 --> 00:55:58.000 you a means to escape the pain. 708 00:55:58.000 --> 00:56:04.600 Is that the only thing God's good for is the, as, as an alternative, he's, he's good 709 00:56:04.600 --> 00:56:06.840 because, because he's God. 710 00:56:06.840 --> 00:56:11.280 So that's how, you know, I recommended to her that she focused on, you know, with their 711 00:56:11.280 --> 00:56:18.440 children is the fact that he's so good that he would draw us because he's so good that 712 00:56:18.440 --> 00:56:23.800 we'd be drawn to him as opposed to, well, he's the thing that allows us to escape this 713 00:56:23.800 --> 00:56:24.800 bad thing. 714 00:56:24.800 --> 00:56:30.480 It's like, no, God's good because, because he is who he is. 715 00:56:30.480 --> 00:56:36.160 Um, and he doesn't need to have the existence of evil and bad in order to be good. 716 00:56:36.160 --> 00:56:40.760 So anyway, my point is that we've like used that a lot of times in the church and that's 717 00:56:40.760 --> 00:56:44.400 the church that she and I had both gone to. 718 00:56:44.400 --> 00:56:48.560 We'd both gone to the same college and it was a very strict college and very, very, 719 00:56:48.560 --> 00:56:49.560 very strict. 720 00:56:49.720 --> 00:56:55.320 Baptist and very Calvinistic in its leanings. 721 00:56:55.320 --> 00:57:07.520 And anyway, it, it, it, uh, its foundation was shaming and condemning people so that 722 00:57:07.520 --> 00:57:14.440 we'd realize how bad we all were and we could be controlled and we could all manipulate 723 00:57:14.440 --> 00:57:20.520 the outcome of ourselves and other people by holding ourselves to outside actions of 724 00:57:20.520 --> 00:57:21.520 standards. 725 00:57:21.520 --> 00:57:25.840 Like, well, if you do these things and you're good and you're responsible and you're good 726 00:57:25.840 --> 00:57:29.760 Christian and whatever, and if you don't do these things, then you're bad. 727 00:57:29.760 --> 00:57:39.280 Um, anyway, so it was all based on performance and it's like how you dressed and yeah. 728 00:57:39.280 --> 00:57:42.440 So anyway, it's, it's no wonder that she got that. 729 00:57:42.440 --> 00:57:49.600 It is that she said, um, sorry, someone just sent me a text and I don't know how to turn 730 00:57:49.600 --> 00:57:53.480 it off, but he, I'm sorry. 731 00:57:53.480 --> 00:57:54.480 Computer. 732 00:57:54.480 --> 00:57:55.480 Doesn't it? 733 00:57:55.480 --> 00:57:56.480 Yes. 734 00:57:56.480 --> 00:57:58.360 Um, cause it's new. 735 00:57:58.360 --> 00:58:02.480 I got this Mac and reconnect and connected my iCloud to it. 736 00:58:02.480 --> 00:58:06.680 And so my texts pop up, which is great when I'm not on a zoom call, but I don't know how 737 00:58:06.680 --> 00:58:09.080 to turn them off when I'm on a zoom call. 738 00:58:09.080 --> 00:58:11.080 I'm sure that there's some way to do it. 739 00:58:11.720 --> 00:58:12.720 Options. 740 00:58:12.720 --> 00:58:13.720 Maybe keep in dock. 741 00:58:13.720 --> 00:58:15.400 I have no idea. 742 00:58:15.400 --> 00:58:16.400 Anyway. 743 00:58:16.400 --> 00:58:17.400 Oops. 744 00:58:17.400 --> 00:58:18.400 There we go. 745 00:58:18.400 --> 00:58:24.080 So, um, but yeah, so it's no wonder that she thought that because that's, that's what had 746 00:58:24.080 --> 00:58:31.640 been always used as a motivation to come near Jesus is realize how bad you are and then 747 00:58:31.640 --> 00:58:37.180 just always fight yourself and do the hard thing and come to God. 748 00:58:37.180 --> 00:58:42.340 So they always make coming to God, like the bad thing that you don't want to do, but you 749 00:58:42.340 --> 00:58:46.140 got to do it anyway, get grief. 750 00:58:46.140 --> 00:58:49.820 What about God's great enough for us to want to, to want to do it. 751 00:58:49.820 --> 00:58:52.300 So, and that'd be our motivation. 752 00:58:52.300 --> 00:58:54.300 So yeah, yeah. 753 00:58:54.300 --> 00:58:59.300 So that had been the motivation that had been used for her coming to God. 754 00:58:59.300 --> 00:59:03.100 She didn't know what other motivation to use for her kids. 755 00:59:03.100 --> 00:59:06.060 So anyway, interesting. 756 00:59:06.220 --> 00:59:08.220 That's, that's so true. 757 00:59:08.220 --> 00:59:11.220 I mean, yeah. 758 00:59:11.220 --> 00:59:17.820 Shame people and then present God as the escape from all that. 759 00:59:17.820 --> 00:59:18.820 Yeah. 760 00:59:18.820 --> 00:59:19.820 Yeah. 761 00:59:19.820 --> 00:59:20.820 Yeah. 762 00:59:20.820 --> 00:59:23.820 Boy, the lies we believe. 763 00:59:23.820 --> 00:59:24.820 I know. 764 00:59:24.820 --> 00:59:25.820 Sad. 765 00:59:25.820 --> 00:59:29.900 Well, I know that you have to go probably to work. 766 00:59:29.900 --> 00:59:33.820 So I wanted to make sure that we prayed really quick, if I may for you. 767 00:59:33.820 --> 00:59:34.820 Yes. 768 00:59:34.820 --> 00:59:35.820 Yes, please do. 769 00:59:36.580 --> 00:59:40.980 So Lord, pray for Christine, pray that you would be with her Lord, touch her body, touch 770 00:59:40.980 --> 00:59:47.120 her, touch her mind, her emotions, her spirit, pray that you would just strengthen every 771 00:59:47.120 --> 00:59:52.580 aspect of her, that it would, it would believe you, it would come in. 772 00:59:52.580 --> 00:59:57.940 It would come in alignment with what it is that you have declared with, with your healing, 773 00:59:57.940 --> 01:00:00.060 with your goodness, with the fact that you protect her. 774 01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:06.760 for that she is, um, that she is covered by you, that she is, that you're going ahead 775 01:00:06.760 --> 01:00:11.400 of her and providing for everything, pray that she would leave the outcome up to you, 776 01:00:11.400 --> 01:00:16.520 that she would just completely, um, it just fall into your arms and just feel relaxed 777 01:00:16.520 --> 01:00:22.880 and comforted, show her Lord in a brand new way, how it is to have faith in you, how to 778 01:00:22.880 --> 01:00:23.880 give up the outcome. 779 01:00:23.880 --> 01:00:27.560 Cause sometimes Lord, that can be a bit tricky of like, how do we actually do that? 780 01:00:27.560 --> 01:00:33.000 Pray that you would reveal to her how to do that, um, that everything would go smoothly 781 01:00:33.000 --> 01:00:40.320 with the radiation, that you would just give the doctor's wisdom that you would, um, just 782 01:00:40.320 --> 01:00:44.040 cocoon, um, Chris in, in protection. 783 01:00:44.040 --> 01:00:48.640 And that the, that all of these tools that you have created, that you have allowed us 784 01:00:48.640 --> 01:00:55.160 to discover and to use and utilize that it would work perfectly, that it would work in 785 01:00:55.160 --> 01:01:00.720 alignment with them, with your kingdom, that you would send angels to be around her and 786 01:01:00.720 --> 01:01:07.120 with her and to handle the doctors and the nurses hands, um, give her peace and calm 787 01:01:07.120 --> 01:01:12.120 in her spirit and in her mind and pray as strange as this is Lord, that this would be 788 01:01:12.120 --> 01:01:15.320 a very special time period for her. 789 01:01:15.320 --> 01:01:20.640 Um, I don't know if you're wanting to give her lots of physical rest during this time, 790 01:01:20.640 --> 01:01:25.880 but, um, you know what it is that, that you desire for her to be for, to be part of this 791 01:01:25.880 --> 01:01:26.880 season. 792 01:01:26.880 --> 01:01:30.160 If you desire for her to be working, pray that you would give her the strength, the 793 01:01:30.160 --> 01:01:36.160 dependency on you, that you would, um, uh, also give her body a lot of rest when it is 794 01:01:36.160 --> 01:01:42.480 resting and that she would just feel very energized and strengthened during this time. 795 01:01:42.480 --> 01:01:48.120 Pray that the radiation would be very effective, that the doctors would just be able to see 796 01:01:48.120 --> 01:01:49.120 you in it. 797 01:01:49.120 --> 01:01:53.080 And that Christine would be able to see and to feel you, especially fill your presence 798 01:01:53.080 --> 01:01:55.400 during this time in Jesus's name. 799 01:01:55.400 --> 01:01:56.400 Amen. 800 01:01:56.400 --> 01:01:57.400 Amen. 801 01:01:57.400 --> 01:01:59.520 Oh, thank you so much. 802 01:01:59.520 --> 01:02:00.520 You're welcome. 803 01:02:00.520 --> 01:02:03.440 It was good to get with you. 804 01:02:03.440 --> 01:02:04.440 Yeah. 805 01:02:04.440 --> 01:02:05.440 It's been really good. 806 01:02:05.440 --> 01:02:14.240 I mean, you talk about things that are so true, but we don't hear them and it's, and 807 01:02:14.240 --> 01:02:19.200 it's almost like my spirit has known these things. 808 01:02:19.200 --> 01:02:21.200 Yes, it has. 809 01:02:21.200 --> 01:02:28.160 It's not like it's totally new, but it's like, okay, yeah, I've known this. 810 01:02:28.160 --> 01:02:33.400 And I mean like at different times I'll be in a meeting and I'll think, no, that's not 811 01:02:33.400 --> 01:02:35.000 quite right. 812 01:02:35.000 --> 01:02:40.600 You know, you'll just get a sense that, no, this, this isn't true. 813 01:02:40.600 --> 01:02:50.120 And it's, yeah, it's like the, the Lord lets you know in your spirit that this is just 814 01:02:50.120 --> 01:02:51.120 not right. 815 01:02:51.120 --> 01:02:52.120 Yeah. 816 01:02:52.120 --> 01:02:53.120 He does. 817 01:02:53.120 --> 01:02:57.280 We have some very grateful for, but yeah, the idea that he does that now where he's 818 01:02:57.280 --> 01:03:03.520 very, very, like I said, just jealous of that relationship with us and wanting to reveal 819 01:03:03.520 --> 01:03:04.520 his truth to us. 820 01:03:04.520 --> 01:03:09.440 And then our spirits, because we're of his DNA, you know, they know these things it's, 821 01:03:09.440 --> 01:03:12.920 it's the truth and the reality that our spirits live in. 822 01:03:12.920 --> 01:03:19.240 So it's like our souls are finally realizing that they can receive it and believe it. 823 01:03:19.240 --> 01:03:20.240 Yeah. 824 01:03:20.240 --> 01:03:21.240 Yeah. 825 01:03:21.240 --> 01:03:22.240 Yeah. 826 01:03:22.240 --> 01:03:23.240 Yeah. 827 01:03:23.240 --> 01:03:24.240 Thank you, Ashley. 828 01:03:24.240 --> 01:03:25.240 You're welcome. 829 01:03:25.240 --> 01:03:27.240 It's good to spend time with you. 830 01:03:27.240 --> 01:03:30.040 Praying for your radiation today. 831 01:03:30.040 --> 01:03:32.240 It's a very good first appointment. 832 01:03:32.240 --> 01:03:33.240 Yeah. 833 01:03:33.240 --> 01:03:35.280 Thank you very much. 834 01:03:35.280 --> 01:03:36.280 You're welcome. 835 01:03:36.280 --> 01:03:37.560 I'll talk to you later. 836 01:03:37.560 --> 01:03:39.280 You let me know how it goes. 837 01:03:40.120 --> 01:03:41.120 Yeah, I will. 838 01:03:41.120 --> 01:03:42.120 Thank you.