WEBVTT

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There you are.

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Hey!

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How are you?

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Can you hear me okay?

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Yes, I can.

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You were sideways and I'm trying to figure out why.

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Yeah, it's probably because I put my phone on sideways.

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Am I sideways for you?

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Yes, I thought oh well maybe if I just turn my phone.

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There we go.

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Okay, I thought yeah I'm gonna either have to hold it or I can do like the stand.

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I knew I found a way to do the stand sitting like sitting up instead of sideways but you

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know how some stands that aren't the brand new ones they'll only let you go this way.

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Oh, I didn't know that.

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I know I'm trying to figure out if there's something I'm missing on this stand because

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I thought that there was a way before and now I it's you know like you did a puzzle

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once and then you're not like I don't remember how to do the puzzle.

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Anyways, okay I can hold it too.

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Yeah, sorry about that.

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I know I'm usually holding mine either but I'm kind of in the middle of a transition

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and a whole bunch of stuff going on and so I don't have my usual setup and anyway I've

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just got to I've got to kind of figure everything out but anyway.

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Yeah, are you moving or you don't have to share if you're?

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Yes, I am.

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I guess I get yeah I guess you hadn't heard because I hadn't posted the that Q&A yet which

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I meant to but again I just I've been in the middle of them.

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It's one of those things where in business flowing in rest you're at least in learning

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how to trend how to operate in business in rest in greater and greater measures.

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There's the transition period and I'm still and I still do that so I can communicate to

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other people to what measure that I have operated in rest but then God continues to

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move expand my own boundaries.

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My business is changing yet again or not my business but my I don't know just kind of

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my environment or my setup or whatever and I had a routine and I had a okay I know how

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this goes and God's like okay now that we know how it goes we're going to change it

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up a little bit that you won't be so tied down to the fact that what works like this

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or it's like in other words like this.

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I don't want to say formula but I don't know just kind of teach me more and more and how

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to rely on him and rest as opposed to my environment.

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So anyway, what's what's what I'm doing is I mentioned in the Q&A trying to remember

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when it was it's possibly it's possible yeah was it last week it might have been last week

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but I mentioned it last Thursday I mentioned in Q&A that I had that the Lord had prompted

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me to start traveling so I'll be so I'll be doing my best feeling yeah I could do it

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from everywhere from anywhere but I moved out literally within hours after that phone

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call I moved out of the apartment so now I'm in my my best friend's guest room

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and trying to trying to finish going through all of my stuff to and pairing things down

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and deciding okay what's coming with me what what am I going to store at my parents house

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what what's going to sell in the garage sale what am I giving away and then all of these

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are very very personal.

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personal things. I mean, there are things that they're not just kind of like, ah, it's

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a spoon. No, some of these things are, are like keepsakes of mine. Yes. Emotional journey

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with the Lord of letting things go that my dreams. Yeah. That had embodied dreams that

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I had and God says, now it's not that season and it's not that I'm not going to give you

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those dreams, but you know, you need to, you accumulated these things connected to, um,

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you accumulated these things under the, under the system of, and the beliefs and the attitude

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of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and not at the tree of life. And therefore

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you thought you were having to create everything yourself. You thought you had to position

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yourself in such a way in order to receive my blessings. And he's like, no, I need you

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to see that I'm going to give it to you without you having to prepare for it without you

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having to. So, so speaking to me so much, that's wild. Like I'm just going, I get exactly

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what you're saying. And I actually had been in the about six to eight weeks of purging

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all like half of my belongings. So, um, but there's more like, so what you're saying about

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going to another level, like there's, there's more as I, I could see him doing the same

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thing for me as I walk through this shift, you know, in the mindset, um, and everything

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he's doing right now to, to go, okay, here's the stuff that we haven't gone through yet.

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And that's, you know, not that nothing that I've gone through has been sentimental and

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it's been painful. It's been like, you know, literally emptying every closet, you know,

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in my place and, and taking, pulling everything out. But then it was, it was bigger and messier

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than we thought. Like I had a girlfriend who's really good with strategy and she was military

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before and has done HR stuff. And she just thinks that way. So she's, she was really

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helpful in this process because I'm a free spirit and I'm like, this is how I ended up

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with stuff that I'm sentimental, you know, not that I'm a hoarder, but in a sense, like

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I've moved and moved and moved and moved. So anyways, we thought it was going to be

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a little bit more quick and whatever, then, then it turned out being, and then we did

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a ton of transformation in the flow of like our place and me and the girls having what

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feels like a more functional home and less, you know, clutter. And like, we created a

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room for the girls out of my old walk-in closet that I was just storing cute clothes and fashion,

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you know, stuff in and all my fun stuff. We got rid of half of that and made it into a

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refuge for them. We call it the refuge, like a God room where they can go and their book

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nook, you know, is in there and their chairs and they can have their, their oils and everything.

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So there's been transformation, but all that to say, there's also stuff like from my divorce

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and like legal papers, like that are stashed in the closet right now that we didn't get to,

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you know, which is his own thing. I mean, that's, that could be, yeah, it's own thing.

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And then there's like the sentimental things regarding, yeah, dreams and business. So as

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you're saying this, I'm going like, those are the things I haven't gone into yet,

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but that I know would be the next step. But I know enough from how the past six weeks that,

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you know, of how emotional that is to go into that stuff. Like you don't even realize it's

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going to bring up these, these things in your heart and, and a letting go and a clearing,

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you know, but it's also really beautiful. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. In fact, I was talking to some

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of the ladies about that. I guess it was last week on the Q and a, and they were all talking

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about, you know, the same thing that they were all feeling that, that, that, that right now they

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were going through and they were, they were either purging things or they were looking to purge

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things for some of them were moving all kinds of stuff. And I thought, Oh my goodness, everybody in

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this group is apparently doing, going through that. And so I told the ladies, cause they were

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asking me some, some questions. And so I told them, I said, well, it's interesting to hear

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that this is all on, on everybody's hearts from the Lord, because I've been thinking about doing

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a teaching on, about how, how that connects with rest operating and rest and, and how the fact of

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how we've accumulated things and what things we've accumulated is a result of who it is that

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we think that we are and how we need to be willing to like, let go of who it is that we thought that

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we were because the Lord, as the Lord is revealing to us who it is that we really are and, and anyway,

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and, and taking that journey, but not being not condemning ourselves for what it was that we

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thought that we were, because that was, that was just, that was just part of our journey, et cetera.

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And so, and then how to go through like the clothes versus the books versus the, versus

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the sentimentals versus the, versus the whatever, and just kind of like some tips and tricks and

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stuff. I think that's really valuable. That's so valuable. Yes, please. Cause I think it is,

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it is like a thing that he's doing that we don't necessarily, you know, I mean, there's so many

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things to talk about with, with, in friendships and social and all that. So we don't necessarily

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talk about these things like, oh, and when I'm not on social, this is what I'm doing in my home,

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or this is what it looks like, you know? And, but it's, it's, it's a theme it's become.

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being apparent to me too. So many women are in that big faith, you know, transition, trusting

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in all these different areas and feeling like there's just this clearing, this newness,

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you know, upon us that really is addressing the old stuff in all the ways, you know, that

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you're like, oh, that makes sense. But you forget all the different areas that then have

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been part of the old, you know? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So how have

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you been? Yeah. So I've been, I've been good. It's been, um, it's just, it's a season of

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so much hard, so much hard, like in the sense that I'm being confronted, you know, shoot,

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that scared the poop out of me. That was thunder. I mean, really? Oh my, I'm sorry. That is

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like a huge thunderstorm. No, it's okay. Wow. I did not expect that. Well, I'm being confronted

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by the fierce wild love side of God, um, that I was just listening, listening to in

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your teaching and, um, you know, there's so much of me that's, that's, I'm going to cry

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a lot probably today, but like, that's, you know, when you've been like just in that mode

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of having to keep hanging on, I mean, I still am like holding to the hem of his garment,

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but like keep doing the things and surviving in survival, like even if you didn't want

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to be, you know, and then he's almost like, it's like this invitation to, yeah, it's like

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this invitation to like, I know how long you've just had to keep pushing and surviving and

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how the effects that that's had and how, like, he knows that like, he doesn't intend for

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me to go on like that. He doesn't want that, but there's, there's, you know, there's all

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these mindsets and lives that are being confronted and, and you know, all the while, everything

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up in there and in the world and just in the next season, like I, he's having me pause,

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which I mean, it hasn't, it's not brand new to trust him in these different ways, especially

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as a single mother and in my, my situation, unique situation, but there's also a totally

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different level that I'm being called to, to have faith. Like one, I'm supposed to pause

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from kind of everything that makes sense, even among Christians, a lot of times to,

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to do right, to be wise and to be responsible and to work, you know, a full-time job and

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take care of my kids. And, you know, all these things, there's just so much, like just so

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much, like with my legal situation, we were trying to get back to, you know, the legal

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system basically closed down, but we were trusting the Lord for the timing to go back

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for what hopefully won't be, but might end up being a trial. And that's trusting him

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with, you know, if what he's doing in terms of, of a redemption reconciliation work that

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it just, it hasn't been seen or manifested yet, but there's like this, he's been speaking

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things for a while about just that he's doing something out of the ordinary with this

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situation that looks really, I mean, we've already been doing emergency hearings and there

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was a trial. There's been multiple, multiple, I mean, we've, we've dealt with just attorneys,

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not even been able to speak outside of attorneys really for four years. So that's a long

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time. And so that, that's involved, you know, my girls and my whole backstory and all of

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these lies that assaulted me during that season, like not just that season, they were

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there before, but then I was forced to, I mean, in the sense, like I had in order to

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literally even live, I had to have one cling to the Lord and he saved me in miraculous

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ways from a very, very bad and abusive situation. But then, you know, confront my own part in

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that might take ownership of where I have been unhealthy and I'm still doing that, you

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know, while trying to set boundaries with somebody who was very unsafe and suddenly

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unsafe that I was supposed to be able to trust. And that forced me to immediately like go

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from being a state home mom and having a business with him to getting my own house. Like, cause

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he kept the place we were renting since he was also past practicing his business out

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of it. So get my own place, get a job, get like all this. Meanwhile, emergency hearings,

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mental breakdown, abuse, like trauma. I don't even know what's going on. Two little girls

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in the mix and it was nonstop. So it was just survival for so long and has been, but then

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there's all these wounds that I feel like the Lord is like, he's done such a work this

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year, especially where I was having like symptoms of PTSD. Not that I'm trying to like label

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myself, but it truly, I truly have experienced, you know, yes, just mental health concerns

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and like what we would call triggers from post-traumatic stress. And so I was experiencing

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those. I mean, sometimes actually like every 10 minutes I could.

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be triggered and have these even physical symptoms.

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And it was, there's just been a lot of oppression

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and a lot of mental torment over what's happened,

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what's my fault, how did this happen,

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what happened, what do I do?

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Just feeling like I've known fear is an issue,

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but the Lord's been breaking out fear in my life

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and had done such an amazing thing.

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And the reason I brought up the PTSD is because in the fall,

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he freed me in a big way,

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like miraculously just like lifted this constant torment

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of triggers from PTSD.

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Like I stopped having this, okay?

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Like major, I mean, this is huge breakthrough.

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And he had been telling me like,

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yes, you can go to doctors and yes, blah, blah, blah,

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but I'm gonna be the one to heal you.

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I'm gonna get the glory.

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And I knew that, but then it started happening,

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manifesting and it was like,

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and I started this mentorship group called Grow

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with Nate and Christy Johnston.

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I don't know if you know them, but a prophetic couple.

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And so a lot of it was just through that,

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finding a house church where I'd been kind of in religion

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and God literally told me to stop going

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to a religious church and just wait on him

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to show me where.

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So for months I waited

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and then he showed me this house church.

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And so there's been so much that has been happening,

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but like now I'm being confronted in a new way

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this past month.

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Like I told you last time was like this,

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there was this betrayal,

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like this thing that happened with a potential partner.

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And I don't know if betrayal is the right word.

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I mean, people, I think it is,

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but it's also looking at myself and going, what's true?

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What's, you know, where can I take responsibility?

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Again, like without taking and internalizing what she said

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and how she said it, is there truth to what she's saying

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and what's mine to take on and what's not.

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And that's where I'm finding it gets really hairy

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is that there, God's revealing that there's been

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such a deep level of shame.

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Like the fear was there, okay.

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And we knew that and we've been dealing with that.

210
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And it's not all the way gone.

211
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And I thought that maybe I was further along than I was

212
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in dealing with fear and replacing that with love.

213
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And then all of a sudden it's like,

214
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shame is really this root.

215
00:17:05.740 --> 00:17:08.000
It's a deep root, like this toxic shame where like,

216
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I feel sometimes just like assaulted in my mind.

217
00:17:11.040 --> 00:17:12.319
Like there's been a lot of spiritual attack

218
00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:14.760
where I thought I was so much further along

219
00:17:14.760 --> 00:17:16.900
and that we weren't going back to some of this,

220
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but it's almost like,

221
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it feels like you're gonna break down.

222
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But everything that I've been hearing,

223
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like even Lana Vassar released her coffee with Jesus

224
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and was like, where you feel like

225
00:17:26.040 --> 00:17:28.220
there's gonna be a breakdown, it's your breakthrough.

226
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So all this to say, it's like, God knows the timing.

227
00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:32.760
He knows how far he's brought me and the girls.

228
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He knows what he's put on my heart

229
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and what he's called me to in terms of purpose and calling.

230
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And so my heart burns, literally burns to serve him.

231
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Like I've given and am giving like all that I have,

232
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not in a, not even begrudgingly,

233
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but just because I so desire to like,

234
00:17:51.640 --> 00:17:53.220
make an impact for the kingdom.

235
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And I feel so sure and so convicted

236
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and sure of like this calling to specifically women

237
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and girls and trafficking.

238
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And yet here I am, like, he's like,

239
00:18:02.780 --> 00:18:04.660
we're gonna continue your deliverance here

240
00:18:04.660 --> 00:18:07.180
and your healing so that you can be really free.

241
00:18:07.180 --> 00:18:10.240
And what's interesting about it is that I long for that.

242
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I want that.

243
00:18:11.080 --> 00:18:13.020
I've been crying out for that for 35 years.

244
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Like he's already brought a lot of it,

245
00:18:14.660 --> 00:18:18.020
but then there's this next level where it's confronting

246
00:18:18.020 --> 00:18:20.260
everything that has been the most scary

247
00:18:20.260 --> 00:18:22.940
that I've kind of withheld in a way,

248
00:18:23.740 --> 00:18:25.260
if I go there, the enemy is like,

249
00:18:25.260 --> 00:18:26.700
then you're gonna lose everything.

250
00:18:26.700 --> 00:18:30.380
If you go into that, you're gonna break a down again,

251
00:18:30.380 --> 00:18:31.580
like all these lies.

252
00:18:32.500 --> 00:18:34.540
And the Lord's promised me, I'm never going back there.

253
00:18:34.540 --> 00:18:36.540
He said, you're not going back there,

254
00:18:36.540 --> 00:18:38.660
but you hear about things with deliverance,

255
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:42.600
with what can happen.

256
00:18:42.600 --> 00:18:44.980
Like, if there is a demonic influence,

257
00:18:44.980 --> 00:18:47.060
like there's been all this fear in my mind

258
00:18:47.060 --> 00:18:49.340
from different experiences I've had that like,

259
00:18:49.340 --> 00:18:50.440
what does deliverance look like?

260
00:18:50.440 --> 00:18:52.700
And what if, I don't know what the questions are.

261
00:18:52.700 --> 00:18:56.540
Like, what if I, I don't know,

262
00:18:56.540 --> 00:18:59.120
what if there's like something

263
00:18:59.120 --> 00:19:01.240
that does have a demonic hold on me?

264
00:19:01.240 --> 00:19:03.680
And does that mean that I'm bad?

265
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:04.840
That's where the shame comes in.

266
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Like, am I bad if there's demonic influence here?

267
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:09.720
And what will happen if we confront that?

268
00:19:09.720 --> 00:19:10.880
Which I know this sounds really deep,

269
00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:12.440
but that's just the place that I've at

270
00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:14.800
because I've come so far

271
00:19:14.800 --> 00:19:17.120
and I've been a Christian for a long time,

272
00:19:17.120 --> 00:19:19.920
but it's almost like there's like these tormenting lies

273
00:19:19.920 --> 00:19:22.680
where there are some kind of hooks or things

274
00:19:23.520 --> 00:19:24.780
that I grew up with a narcissistic parent

275
00:19:24.780 --> 00:19:27.260
and I've been confronting this like Jezebel thing

276
00:19:27.260 --> 00:19:30.280
that I'm terrified of having anything to do with Jezebel.

277
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Like I wanna break any agreements there.

278
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But whenever that concept comes up,

279
00:19:35.380 --> 00:19:38.700
I literally like my body like seizes up in terms of fear.

280
00:19:38.700 --> 00:19:40.700
Like I just feel instantly terrified.

281
00:19:40.700 --> 00:19:42.140
Like, what if I'm bad?

282
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What if I'm evil?

283
00:19:43.340 --> 00:19:45.140
And that stuff that the enemy has spoken

284
00:19:45.140 --> 00:19:46.380
and I know you're not my counselor,

285
00:19:46.380 --> 00:19:48.100
like a therapist and this is kind of deep,

286
00:19:48.100 --> 00:19:50.420
but it's like, this is truly what I'm going through

287
00:19:50.440 --> 00:19:54.080
where it's like, Lord, you've brought me so far,

288
00:19:54.080 --> 00:19:55.960
but there's something like,

289
00:19:55.960 --> 00:19:57.840
he's like, you haven't been perfected in love

290
00:19:57.840 --> 00:20:00.040
and it's not a shaming thing.

291
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:05.320
I keep coming back to that verse that says fear has to do with punishment, and that's

292
00:20:05.320 --> 00:20:06.320
not who God is.

293
00:20:06.320 --> 00:20:10.400
So if you're experiencing fear, it's that you haven't been yet perfected in love.

294
00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:16.320
That's a hope-filled message to me compared to this whole, you have fear, so maybe it's

295
00:20:16.320 --> 00:20:20.540
true that you're bad and you're evil, and if you confront that, then what if it proves

296
00:20:20.540 --> 00:20:23.520
your deepest fear that you're bad and you're evil?

297
00:20:23.520 --> 00:20:28.680
This cycle of thoughts that feels so hard to get out of, and it feels like it's going

298
00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:29.680
to be the death of me.

299
00:20:29.680 --> 00:20:31.280
And in a way, it is.

300
00:20:31.280 --> 00:20:32.400
He's calling me to die.

301
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:39.480
He's calling me to lose my life for his sake, in a sense.

302
00:20:39.480 --> 00:20:45.720
There's a death of the old everything, and it's not something that I can run away from

303
00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:51.200
or that I can hide from anymore because in his love, he's confronting everything that's

304
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:55.760
holding me back because I literally can't move into the next season with all of that

305
00:20:55.760 --> 00:20:57.760
baggage and with those wrong beliefs.

306
00:20:57.760 --> 00:21:02.720
And so it's like, I'm thankful for it, but it's also the scariest thing ever to say yes

307
00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:03.720
to.

308
00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:05.640
So I'm saying yes to it.

309
00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:09.400
That's kind of where I'm at, where it's like this daily, I'm saying yes to it, and it looks

310
00:21:09.400 --> 00:21:12.440
like every part of my life, like I'm just working part-time as a barista.

311
00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:14.360
God, do you want me to get a full-time job?

312
00:21:14.360 --> 00:21:15.360
Nope.

313
00:21:15.360 --> 00:21:19.080
Okay, God, so what are we going to do about the legal stuff?

314
00:21:19.080 --> 00:21:21.560
Okay, just hold on.

315
00:21:21.560 --> 00:21:25.040
So God, do you want me to pay my attorney?

316
00:21:25.040 --> 00:21:29.320
Do you want me to go get a job to pay my attorney and pay my ex-husband because he's

317
00:21:29.320 --> 00:21:33.080
threatening to take me back to court and all this stuff?

318
00:21:33.080 --> 00:21:34.080
Nope.

319
00:21:34.080 --> 00:21:38.600
Okay, so should I just wait a while and get some things in place and get more stable,

320
00:21:38.600 --> 00:21:40.920
and then we can go into some of this deeper stuff?

321
00:21:40.920 --> 00:21:41.920
Nope.

322
00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:43.440
We're not going to wait.

323
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:44.520
This is your breakthrough.

324
00:21:44.520 --> 00:21:50.840
This is what's going to allow you to not keep coming up against this wall of financial poverty

325
00:21:50.840 --> 00:21:54.600
and these poverty mindsets and these fear mindsets and everything that you self-sabotage

326
00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:58.120
everything you do, like we've got to deal with it, right?

327
00:21:58.120 --> 00:22:03.560
Because there literally isn't time to waste, and it's interesting because it's so easy

328
00:22:03.560 --> 00:22:07.280
to go, well, it's not that important, is it?

329
00:22:07.280 --> 00:22:08.280
It's a worth thing.

330
00:22:08.280 --> 00:22:09.960
I don't believe I've been worth his love.

331
00:22:09.960 --> 00:22:12.600
I'm not believing that I'm worth all of this breakthrough.

332
00:22:12.600 --> 00:22:14.520
Well, it's not that bad, is it?

333
00:22:14.520 --> 00:22:22.520
But the truth is he's saying, no, it's that bad, and so for me, I'm like, okay, it's that

334
00:22:22.520 --> 00:22:23.520
bad.

335
00:22:23.520 --> 00:22:24.520
Oh, crap.

336
00:22:24.920 --> 00:22:29.120
It's that bad, so should I be afraid here?

337
00:22:29.120 --> 00:22:35.440
But I know I'm not called to fear, and yet I'm called to address it, so if it's not scary,

338
00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:40.560
but it's like the fear of the Lord that says, I can't keep approaching him like this.

339
00:22:40.560 --> 00:22:46.760
I can't keep letting fear take from who he is and his witness in my life.

340
00:22:46.760 --> 00:22:50.960
It's like it's a firm, it's now, it's the breakthrough time, yet you're not supposed

341
00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:57.800
to fear in the sense that you're afraid of confronting it and afraid that bad things

342
00:22:57.800 --> 00:22:59.400
are going to happen through it.

343
00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:03.600
It's like this trusting that he's good and he's loving, even though I don't know if I'm

344
00:23:03.600 --> 00:23:04.600
good or loving.

345
00:23:04.600 --> 00:23:11.680
I don't know what to believe about myself, and it's just so hard to face that fact that

346
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.640
it might not be my fault, but what if it's my own fault that I believe these things or

347
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:23.120
that the enemy tells me that if I could just let them go, I'm the one holding onto them,

348
00:23:23.120 --> 00:23:25.600
so therefore I'm not having faith.

349
00:23:25.600 --> 00:23:30.040
I'm not, I'm partnering with the enemy.

350
00:23:30.040 --> 00:23:34.720
All these different things that just make it about me and assassination of my identity

351
00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:41.880
and my character and whether I'm even his child, and then it's like, again, this chain

352
00:23:42.040 --> 00:23:46.480
comes in there and it's like the cycle that I just know he's like, it's time to deal with it.

353
00:23:46.480 --> 00:23:52.040
So that's my daily life right now, is like completely giving all that I have to him and

354
00:23:52.040 --> 00:23:57.280
what he says to do next and then taking care of my girls and going, still taking this keeping

355
00:23:57.280 --> 00:24:04.160
the barista job, which is like 20 hours a week, but otherwise it's taking care of my

356
00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:09.160
girls and diving into these things with him and these various ways he's set up.

357
00:24:09.160 --> 00:24:13.480
It's like, yeah, it is worth it to the point where he connected me with you and he's connected

358
00:24:13.480 --> 00:24:18.360
me to a counselor and he's connected me to another mentor who wants to walk through some

359
00:24:18.360 --> 00:24:24.080
of these things and there's a recommendation of, like through dreams and visions, even

360
00:24:24.080 --> 00:24:26.240
I'm like, there is a demonic stuff going on here.

361
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:32.880
I'm being so attacked where I'm being told I am the enemy or I am Jezebel or whatever.

362
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:34.600
My dreams are being assaulted.

363
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:40.280
There's gotta be stuff that's generational or whatever like dealt with that he's dealt

364
00:24:40.280 --> 00:24:49.400
with, but then there's even just this concept of it's scary to talk to people about things

365
00:24:49.400 --> 00:24:54.840
like having a narcissistic mother and a narcissistic ex-husband and going, does that make me bad?

366
00:24:54.840 --> 00:24:56.880
Does that make me a narcissist?

367
00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:58.040
Am I the bad one?

368
00:24:58.040 --> 00:25:00.040
But the thing is, is that what happens.

369
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.120
but that kind of trauma and what goes along

370
00:25:03.120 --> 00:25:05.320
with being manipulated and controlled and all that

371
00:25:05.320 --> 00:25:08.520
is that one, I think there can be hooks and things

372
00:25:08.520 --> 00:25:11.360
where the enemy gets these footholds and there's lies,

373
00:25:11.360 --> 00:25:13.800
but it actually tells you, that kind of abuse

374
00:25:13.800 --> 00:25:16.680
tells you to doubt yourself, don't believe yourself,

375
00:25:16.680 --> 00:25:19.480
don't trust yourself, nothing that you say or do,

376
00:25:19.480 --> 00:25:21.240
you have no power, you have no control

377
00:25:21.240 --> 00:25:23.480
because someone else is gonna take it anyway,

378
00:25:23.480 --> 00:25:26.600
and all these things that basically

379
00:25:26.600 --> 00:25:28.120
make you distrust yourself.

380
00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:31.880
Yeah, God's good and he loves everybody else,

381
00:25:31.880 --> 00:25:34.160
but I can't trust his love for me.

382
00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:40.320
Yes, you're so loved, but I don't know

383
00:25:40.320 --> 00:25:45.200
because I'm really messed up and I have these things

384
00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:49.640
that cause me to wonder if I'm just not doing enough

385
00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:51.440
and being enough and maybe I don't even have

386
00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:52.920
the right heart and I don't know it,

387
00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:56.120
but it calls into question everything about you

388
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:57.800
to the point where you don't know,

389
00:25:57.800 --> 00:26:00.440
even by trusting yourself, you're told that's selfish

390
00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:03.720
or that's worldly, you don't trust yourself

391
00:26:03.720 --> 00:26:05.480
because that's being selfish and God says

392
00:26:05.480 --> 00:26:07.240
just to trust him as if that's separate.

393
00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:09.680
It's like, no, but he's in me and he's living through me,

394
00:26:09.680 --> 00:26:13.200
so how can I not have boundaries and healthy boundaries

395
00:26:13.200 --> 00:26:17.720
and trust the Holy Spirit in me, that doesn't make sense.

396
00:26:17.720 --> 00:26:20.720
So it's just confronting all of these different things

397
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:23.680
and just going, it feels like this pull

398
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:26.240
and I feel double-minded and he's revealing

399
00:26:26.240 --> 00:26:31.240
just that he's letting me maybe see through these dreams

400
00:26:33.040 --> 00:26:34.520
and through the things that I'm confronting,

401
00:26:34.520 --> 00:26:37.040
the lies that are so scary.

402
00:26:37.040 --> 00:26:39.720
Like it's literally like the most terrifying thing

403
00:26:39.720 --> 00:26:42.400
that I've ever experienced to have these thoughts

404
00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:44.040
and these questions.

405
00:26:44.040 --> 00:26:46.360
I'm sorry, I keep moving around my, I had to.

406
00:26:46.360 --> 00:26:47.720
No, go ahead.

407
00:26:47.720 --> 00:26:49.120
I had to sit down on the floor

408
00:26:49.120 --> 00:26:51.800
because all of a sudden, the reason why you kept

409
00:26:51.800 --> 00:26:55.160
not being able to see me is my phone started to die.

410
00:26:55.160 --> 00:26:57.720
Oh, I know, that happens to me all the time, girl.

411
00:26:57.720 --> 00:27:02.000
So I apologize, I'm just, okay, here we go.

412
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:05.000
But I had to unplug the lamp in order to plug in the phone.

413
00:27:06.080 --> 00:27:07.400
I'm here.

414
00:27:07.400 --> 00:27:09.120
I get it, we're here, you're here.

415
00:27:09.120 --> 00:27:10.720
It doesn't bother me at all.

416
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:13.880
Sorry, but no, I understand what you're saying, go ahead.

417
00:27:13.880 --> 00:27:17.880
Yeah, so I think it's just, it's not just anything.

418
00:27:17.880 --> 00:27:20.480
It's just all of this and trying to process this

419
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:23.600
and I can't seem to get a control over my thoughts,

420
00:27:23.600 --> 00:27:25.080
but I know I'm supposed to stand on the words,

421
00:27:25.080 --> 00:27:26.280
so I just keep coming back to like,

422
00:27:26.280 --> 00:27:28.640
I'm starting to declare the word like I never have before,

423
00:27:28.640 --> 00:27:31.000
like it's my lifeline and realizing that

424
00:27:31.000 --> 00:27:33.920
in all of these seasons, I've thought that,

425
00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:36.320
like God was like, you know, he's funny, he likes to joke.

426
00:27:36.320 --> 00:27:39.960
So I was at work and he's like, so yeah,

427
00:27:39.960 --> 00:27:41.120
so that whole stand thing,

428
00:27:41.120 --> 00:27:44.640
when you've done all you can to stand, then stand.

429
00:27:44.640 --> 00:27:47.440
Like therefore stand and it was like,

430
00:27:47.440 --> 00:27:49.920
I just had this picture of myself like falling down

431
00:27:50.360 --> 00:27:53.520
and like wobbling and just like, did you ever stand?

432
00:27:53.520 --> 00:27:55.600
Did you take seriously the call to stand

433
00:27:55.600 --> 00:27:59.560
that's truly gonna take standing and putting on the armor

434
00:27:59.560 --> 00:28:01.640
and truly declaring and relying on this

435
00:28:01.640 --> 00:28:03.160
with all that you have?

436
00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:05.680
Did you not know that was real?

437
00:28:05.680 --> 00:28:07.120
Like you thought it was like a good, you know,

438
00:28:07.120 --> 00:28:08.960
pleasantry or just something that we say?

439
00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:11.520
Like it was just a funny moment of just realizing

440
00:28:11.520 --> 00:28:16.240
how much I haven't known the spiritual battle.

441
00:28:16.240 --> 00:28:17.440
I was told in a lot of churches,

442
00:28:17.440 --> 00:28:18.680
I was part of like Baptist churches

443
00:28:18.680 --> 00:28:20.280
that the spiritual battle isn't really real.

444
00:28:20.280 --> 00:28:21.520
We don't talk about demonic things.

445
00:28:21.520 --> 00:28:22.640
We don't talk about these things.

446
00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:24.800
The spirit of God wasn't even talked about.

447
00:28:24.800 --> 00:28:27.280
It was like miracles are dead, cessationism,

448
00:28:27.280 --> 00:28:29.480
or I don't know if it's exactly how you say it,

449
00:28:29.480 --> 00:28:31.840
but miracles have ceased.

450
00:28:31.840 --> 00:28:33.120
We don't talk about the Holy Spirit,

451
00:28:33.120 --> 00:28:34.340
definitely not the gifts of the spirit.

452
00:28:34.340 --> 00:28:35.180
That's weird.

453
00:28:35.180 --> 00:28:36.000
We don't talk about speaking tongues.

454
00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:36.840
We don't talk about prophecy.

455
00:28:36.840 --> 00:28:39.560
None of that, none of that is, we don't even,

456
00:28:39.560 --> 00:28:41.880
so we don't experience being ministered to

457
00:28:41.880 --> 00:28:44.160
from a place of God's healing power

458
00:28:44.160 --> 00:28:46.280
and seeing those miracle signs and wonders, you know,

459
00:28:46.280 --> 00:28:47.120
none of that.

460
00:28:47.120 --> 00:28:50.120
Years and years until I divorced the past few years,

461
00:28:50.120 --> 00:28:53.000
I didn't even know what to believe theology-wise,

462
00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:56.680
and I was just like, okay, I guess I'll put all that on hold,

463
00:28:56.680 --> 00:28:58.880
things that I experienced in the, you know,

464
00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:00.480
previously in the prophetic and stuff.

465
00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:02.760
I was like, oh, maybe that's weird, and I don't know.

466
00:29:02.760 --> 00:29:04.160
I don't know right now what to think about it,

467
00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:06.640
so I just put it on hold, but yeah,

468
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:08.520
it's just come back around,

469
00:29:09.880 --> 00:29:11.960
and so, but a lot of people would think

470
00:29:11.960 --> 00:29:13.760
it's totally weird to go like,

471
00:29:13.760 --> 00:29:15.840
what is the spiritual battle and is that real?

472
00:29:15.840 --> 00:29:16.920
And when I wasn't aware of it,

473
00:29:17.720 --> 00:29:18.960
I wasn't confronting it, I wasn't fighting it,

474
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:20.560
I wasn't taking thoughts captive,

475
00:29:20.560 --> 00:29:23.280
I wasn't knowing that I had power and authority,

476
00:29:23.280 --> 00:29:24.440
you know, none of these things,

477
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:26.880
so it was just all running rampant, right?

478
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:29.840
And now it's like a call to actually stand

479
00:29:29.840 --> 00:29:31.800
and take him at his word

480
00:29:31.800 --> 00:29:34.320
and believe that that's gonna be enough

481
00:29:34.320 --> 00:29:36.000
and that his love and standing on his word

482
00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:37.680
is actually gonna be enough to overcome

483
00:29:37.680 --> 00:29:40.720
what seems like the darkest, scariest, terrorizing,

484
00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:44.360
you know, forces, and that I can't believe that it's me

485
00:29:45.320 --> 00:29:47.640
that I have to stand on, that I'm a child of God,

486
00:29:47.640 --> 00:29:49.600
that whatever is going on,

487
00:29:51.720 --> 00:29:53.640
you know, even my ex-husband and my mom,

488
00:29:53.640 --> 00:29:55.280
like, I know God loves them,

489
00:29:55.280 --> 00:29:59.440
and I know that even though they act in those ways

490
00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:00.280
and whatever,

491
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.640
you know, whatever has caused them to act in those ways,

492
00:30:02.640 --> 00:30:03.960
even though it's hard when you're being abused

493
00:30:03.960 --> 00:30:06.440
by somebody to have compassion for them, I actually do.

494
00:30:06.440 --> 00:30:08.080
But yet I don't have compassion for myself

495
00:30:08.080 --> 00:30:11.640
if I was a narcissist, like I don't,

496
00:30:11.640 --> 00:30:13.000
so how does that make sense?

497
00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:16.800
You know, I'm thinking I'm bad and I'm against,

498
00:30:16.800 --> 00:30:19.280
God's against me and those thoughts,

499
00:30:19.280 --> 00:30:20.680
when those thoughts come,

500
00:30:20.680 --> 00:30:24.320
but that I wouldn't say that about them at this point

501
00:30:24.320 --> 00:30:26.720
because I see that a person's different than a spirit

502
00:30:26.720 --> 00:30:29.920
and that any, you know, spirit is not,

503
00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:31.360
or anything they're operating out of

504
00:30:31.360 --> 00:30:34.000
is not them as a child of God.

505
00:30:34.000 --> 00:30:38.040
So that's forcing me to think about how God would see that,

506
00:30:38.040 --> 00:30:40.840
like if my worst case scenario was true,

507
00:30:40.840 --> 00:30:45.160
or if I really, you know, am operating from this place

508
00:30:45.160 --> 00:30:47.520
and don't know it, or, you know, there's demonic things

509
00:30:47.520 --> 00:30:49.600
that I don't know how to be freed from.

510
00:30:49.600 --> 00:30:52.160
So I really feel like he's just said,

511
00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:54.600
like, you're gonna come to me for everything.

512
00:30:54.640 --> 00:30:57.080
I'm now like your best friend for real, for real.

513
00:30:58.520 --> 00:31:03.240
Like this is not something to be wishy-washy about,

514
00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:05.080
but it's also not something to be scared of.

515
00:31:05.080 --> 00:31:06.800
And I'm here, I'm putting these things in place

516
00:31:06.800 --> 00:31:11.040
to help you to actually break through and overcome this.

517
00:31:11.040 --> 00:31:13.920
And the times now, literally, you can't go on.

518
00:31:13.920 --> 00:31:16.640
Like you can't, you know you can't, you don't want to,

519
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:18.880
and I'm telling you, you can't go on like this.

520
00:31:18.880 --> 00:31:19.920
The time is now,

521
00:31:19.920 --> 00:31:21.640
and there actually is a time for everything.

522
00:31:21.640 --> 00:31:24.040
So I can't get out of it.

523
00:31:24.040 --> 00:31:25.800
I can't, you know, there's nowhere else to go,

524
00:31:25.800 --> 00:31:26.640
and I don't want to.

525
00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:28.240
I'm like, it's, I don't know if you've watched

526
00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:31.040
the movie Harriet, but that's like my favorite movie.

527
00:31:31.040 --> 00:31:35.200
And it's really what I feel like is my personal call

528
00:31:35.200 --> 00:31:36.560
is to set captives free.

529
00:31:36.560 --> 00:31:40.440
And I know it's all of our call, you know, to Isaiah 61,

530
00:31:40.440 --> 00:31:43.680
but it's since I was 20, you know, 15 years ago,

531
00:31:43.680 --> 00:31:45.560
God said, your story is gonna be your ministry.

532
00:31:45.560 --> 00:31:48.200
And I'm supposed to pull people out

533
00:31:49.160 --> 00:31:51.320
and set, you know, help set them free

534
00:31:51.320 --> 00:31:53.200
as I've been pulled out and set free.

535
00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:56.840
And he's like, this is another layer and level of that

536
00:31:56.840 --> 00:31:59.440
where you're gonna be able to actually walk in freedom

537
00:31:59.440 --> 00:32:01.800
and authority to do that because my heart burns to it.

538
00:32:01.800 --> 00:32:03.000
It's almost like I'm ready to do that

539
00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:04.240
before I'm ready to help myself.

540
00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:07.200
I'm ready to go after and be full-time ministry

541
00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:11.920
and love everyone around me from a genuine place

542
00:32:11.920 --> 00:32:13.160
of knowing the Father's love for them,

543
00:32:13.160 --> 00:32:14.520
but I don't know for me.

544
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:19.720
So yeah, I started with the first teaching on love

545
00:32:20.640 --> 00:32:24.280
and that's already like, I know right where I was supposed

546
00:32:24.280 --> 00:32:26.560
to be and I knew anyway, like it's constantly

547
00:32:26.560 --> 00:32:29.720
that I'm all about love and yet there's this double mindedness

548
00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:32.520
that says like, that has me constantly operating

549
00:32:32.520 --> 00:32:34.880
from a place of fear, even though my message

550
00:32:34.880 --> 00:32:38.480
is all about love and I do believe his love for us.

551
00:32:38.480 --> 00:32:43.480
And I do believe that love and like him being love

552
00:32:43.720 --> 00:32:45.680
is what is the antidote for everything

553
00:32:45.680 --> 00:32:48.880
and yet here I am, you know?

554
00:32:48.880 --> 00:32:51.080
So love is really like the starting place

555
00:32:51.080 --> 00:32:54.440
and I definitely had moments of like, whoa,

556
00:32:54.440 --> 00:32:56.160
and then moments of like tearing up

557
00:32:56.160 --> 00:32:58.880
and through the first love teaching

558
00:32:58.880 --> 00:33:03.720
because I realized, yeah, I don't think

559
00:33:06.120 --> 00:33:08.400
I'm allowing myself to be loved.

560
00:33:08.400 --> 00:33:11.560
Like there's a lack of receiving his love,

561
00:33:12.520 --> 00:33:16.360
even though I can truly believe it for everyone around me

562
00:33:16.360 --> 00:33:18.040
and feel it toward them.

563
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:21.880
Yeah.

564
00:33:21.880 --> 00:33:25.920
Did you end up doing, spending any time with the Lord?

565
00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:29.480
You know, like I was recommending at the end,

566
00:33:29.480 --> 00:33:33.560
like where you can't, where you just have to let him love you

567
00:33:33.560 --> 00:33:38.400
and you can't break eye contact and you don't love him back.

568
00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:39.240
I love that.

569
00:33:39.240 --> 00:33:43.280
I haven't yet because it was kind of time this morning.

570
00:33:43.280 --> 00:33:44.120
Yeah.

571
00:33:44.120 --> 00:33:46.040
But that's definitely not something I'm gonna skip

572
00:33:46.040 --> 00:33:47.520
because I'm like, whoa, that is wild.

573
00:33:47.520 --> 00:33:50.680
That is like, I see why the exercise would be

574
00:33:50.680 --> 00:33:52.080
like your favorite most powerful

575
00:33:52.080 --> 00:33:54.000
because that just sounds, yeah.

576
00:33:54.000 --> 00:33:57.720
I mean, that's truly the answer is to get into his presence

577
00:33:57.720 --> 00:33:59.320
and receive his love.

578
00:33:59.320 --> 00:34:04.160
And so I just keep going round and round until I do that.

579
00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:05.840
And it's not that I'm not spending time with him,

580
00:34:05.840 --> 00:34:08.880
it's that there's still a kind of distancing

581
00:34:09.520 --> 00:34:13.760
from his love because of what I believe about me.

582
00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:14.600
Yeah.

583
00:34:14.600 --> 00:34:16.880
I mean, it's like, you know, being married,

584
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:20.040
they can't have a really,

585
00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:25.159
I can't have that closeness and the intimacy of marriage

586
00:34:25.159 --> 00:34:26.760
without being actually intimate,

587
00:34:26.760 --> 00:34:29.400
meaning like making oneself vulnerable,

588
00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:32.199
completely and totally vulnerable with the other person.

589
00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:34.960
Otherwise there's this distance that's created

590
00:34:34.960 --> 00:34:38.639
and yes, it's for self-preservation and self-protection,

591
00:34:39.600 --> 00:34:42.120
but also keeps the love out, doesn't it?

592
00:34:42.120 --> 00:34:43.679
Yes, it also keeps the love out,

593
00:34:43.679 --> 00:34:45.159
which is the very thing that we want.

594
00:34:45.159 --> 00:34:47.440
We're very, and we're afraid that

595
00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:50.639
if we make ourselves vulnerable with someone else,

596
00:34:50.639 --> 00:34:52.960
that the very thing that we're afraid of

597
00:34:52.960 --> 00:34:57.320
will prove itself to be true.

598
00:34:58.560 --> 00:35:00.040
That he really,

599
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:07.400
won't love us or that we really aren't deserving or that whatever, because what love does is

600
00:35:07.400 --> 00:35:12.400
love exposes, love is light and light exposes the darkness.

601
00:35:12.400 --> 00:35:18.960
And so we're so terrified of what we believe is a darkness that's in us and that it's going

602
00:35:18.960 --> 00:35:26.440
to, um, that it's going to, um, uh, shine light on and we would rather it be in the

603
00:35:26.440 --> 00:35:34.640
darkness and there be a possibility that we're wrong about ourselves than to be exposed to

604
00:35:34.640 --> 00:35:44.840
the light and have it proven that we are right about ourselves, you know, and so, you need

605
00:35:44.840 --> 00:35:49.640
to say that again, a lot of times for a lot of people.

606
00:35:49.640 --> 00:35:50.640
Yes, exactly.

607
00:35:50.640 --> 00:35:56.440
But, um, and, but that's the thing that's the, it's, it's, um, that's why it says that

608
00:35:56.440 --> 00:36:02.920
the things of the spirit are foolishness and, and to man, it's, there are so many, uh, things

609
00:36:02.920 --> 00:36:08.560
in the spirit that just sound and that in the way that, that, that the principles work

610
00:36:08.560 --> 00:36:11.240
according to the character of the Lord, that seems so very opposite.

611
00:36:11.240 --> 00:36:16.040
It's like, okay, in order to get healing, you have to, uh, or in order to receive love,

612
00:36:16.040 --> 00:36:19.880
you have to face your fear, you have to push through the fear, you have to, whatever you

613
00:36:19.880 --> 00:36:25.080
have to be exposed to the light in order to receive the love, that that's the actual,

614
00:36:25.080 --> 00:36:29.320
that that's the actual place of risk where you feel like you're not going to be protected

615
00:36:29.320 --> 00:36:34.840
and you're not going to be, um, uh, that you're not going to be provided for.

616
00:36:34.840 --> 00:36:39.120
And yet that's the place that you push into only to discover that it's in that place that

617
00:36:39.120 --> 00:36:41.440
you are protected and provided for.

618
00:36:41.440 --> 00:36:44.800
Um, so it's like this constant, why is it like that?

619
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:45.800
Yeah.

620
00:36:45.800 --> 00:36:46.800
Why?

621
00:36:46.800 --> 00:36:49.240
I'm just, I know I'm going to ask why a lot and a lot of things.

622
00:36:49.600 --> 00:36:54.320
You don't have to answer, but it's like, yeah, why is it?

623
00:36:54.320 --> 00:36:56.840
Why is it like that?

624
00:36:56.840 --> 00:36:59.200
Why is that phenomenon?

625
00:36:59.200 --> 00:37:05.960
Because, um, the, you've got, have you, oh, you, how you, have you gotten to the, what

626
00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:09.000
about as the tree of life versus the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?

627
00:37:09.000 --> 00:37:10.000
Have you gotten to that?

628
00:37:10.000 --> 00:37:11.000
Okay.

629
00:37:11.000 --> 00:37:16.120
So, um, that's basically, you know, the tree of life is operating according to, uh, is,

630
00:37:16.120 --> 00:37:22.480
is living and operating in life by relationship with God only nothing else.

631
00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:29.400
Um, but tree of the knowledge of good and evil is this, uh, what Eve did is she made

632
00:37:29.400 --> 00:37:36.400
a choice to, she, uh, it was a, it was actually a good desire, a good desire, meaning like

633
00:37:36.400 --> 00:37:40.840
she desired to do good things because that's what Satan was tempting her with.

634
00:37:40.840 --> 00:37:45.280
Satan wasn't tempting her with, Hey, wouldn't you like to do all these evil things?

635
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:50.440
He said, wouldn't you like to be as wise as God?

636
00:37:50.440 --> 00:37:51.440
Wouldn't you like this?

637
00:37:51.440 --> 00:37:56.200
When they were, he was mentioning all of the good things that she liked about the Lord.

638
00:37:56.200 --> 00:37:58.440
And so she's like, yes, I would like that.

639
00:37:58.440 --> 00:38:00.840
I would like to know that.

640
00:38:00.840 --> 00:38:04.800
And she didn't like say this in Bible, but the thing is, you know, you get that you,

641
00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:09.560
you see by what's going on, that what she desired is she desired to do good.

642
00:38:09.560 --> 00:38:14.240
And so in order to do good, she needed to know which ones were good and which ones were

643
00:38:14.240 --> 00:38:17.880
evil so that she can make sure to choose the good and avoid the evil.

644
00:38:17.880 --> 00:38:20.920
But the thing is that that is outside of relationship with God.

645
00:38:20.920 --> 00:38:24.680
When she operates in relationship with God, she doesn't need to know good and evil.

646
00:38:24.680 --> 00:38:30.440
There's an innocence in not knowing good and evil, where you're just operating within relationship

647
00:38:30.440 --> 00:38:31.440
with God.

648
00:38:31.440 --> 00:38:35.440
And when you're operating according to your relationship with God and oneness with God,

649
00:38:35.440 --> 00:38:39.840
you reflect as his, as his sons, we reflect his character.

650
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:43.960
We're born of his very essence, which we'll get into in the second and third sessions

651
00:38:43.960 --> 00:38:51.120
talking about oneness with God and that that we're born of his very essence.

652
00:38:51.120 --> 00:38:55.400
And so spoiler alert, we were taken out of God in the same way that Eve was taken out

653
00:38:55.400 --> 00:38:56.640
of Adam.

654
00:38:56.640 --> 00:38:58.480
We're born of his very essence.

655
00:38:58.480 --> 00:39:02.720
We have his very DNA within us, and that's our spirit.

656
00:39:02.720 --> 00:39:07.120
So our spirit is uncreated because God is uncreated.

657
00:39:07.120 --> 00:39:12.640
Our soul and our body are created, but our spirit is uncreated because we're of his very

658
00:39:12.640 --> 00:39:13.640
essence.

659
00:39:13.640 --> 00:39:21.360
So this dichotomy in this fight and this struggle is between our soul and our spirit, where

660
00:39:21.360 --> 00:39:27.000
our soul has decided, and our spirit doesn't fight against our soul, but our soul fights

661
00:39:27.000 --> 00:39:32.400
against our spirit because it's just like, it doesn't feel that it can be protected and

662
00:39:32.400 --> 00:39:33.600
provided for.

663
00:39:33.600 --> 00:39:37.440
It doesn't trust its own spirit and it does not trust God.

664
00:39:37.440 --> 00:39:41.640
So it thinks, okay, I have to choose to live according to the knowledge of the tree of

665
00:39:41.640 --> 00:39:47.560
good, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, choose from an arbitrary list of what

666
00:39:47.560 --> 00:39:52.160
is good and what is evil so that I can make sure and do the good things so that I can

667
00:39:52.160 --> 00:39:56.600
protect and provide for myself because God's not going to do it.

668
00:39:56.600 --> 00:39:57.720
That's what that is.

669
00:39:57.720 --> 00:40:00.040
I'm covering some really full on.

670
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:07.120
I was gonna say, I know that's so good and profound because I do find myself, it's like

671
00:40:07.120 --> 00:40:14.320
the double mindedness that I fear proves that I'm bad or something is going back and forth

672
00:40:14.320 --> 00:40:20.040
between good and evil and trying to understand and make meaning of everything from this judgment

673
00:40:20.040 --> 00:40:21.040
of good and evil.

674
00:40:21.040 --> 00:40:27.920
And so it's like, I could see that teetering and how it feels like I'm being tossed and

675
00:40:27.920 --> 00:40:32.960
how it feels like you're going back and forth trying to figure out what is good and what

676
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:40.320
is evil and to understand it and to make sense of it and being swayed by every wind of doctrine.

677
00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:42.360
And that's not every wind of evil doctrine.

678
00:40:42.360 --> 00:40:43.600
It's every wind of doctrine.

679
00:40:43.600 --> 00:40:48.160
It's constantly, you know, new things, new preachers, new ideas, new, just constantly

680
00:40:48.160 --> 00:40:49.160
back and forth, back and forth.

681
00:40:49.160 --> 00:40:54.800
And God doesn't like us to be, be, be swayed so, so easily.

682
00:40:54.800 --> 00:40:58.560
If we, we just need to be one with him and rest in that, in that relationship and just

683
00:40:58.560 --> 00:41:03.960
follow the spirit and we won't be so easily swayed and constantly changing our doctrine

684
00:41:03.960 --> 00:41:08.760
or ideas or whatever, not that there's anything we do need to change in the fact that we need

685
00:41:08.760 --> 00:41:14.520
to, we need to be willing to let go of things that God says that we need to let go of in

686
00:41:14.520 --> 00:41:20.320
order to, in order to grab hold of the new things that he's revealing.

687
00:41:20.320 --> 00:41:26.800
But we, he doesn't like this, what you, you know, you've rightly termed as double mindedness.

688
00:41:26.800 --> 00:41:40.320
So in other words, what everything that, that God is, is, is revealing to us when he reveals

689
00:41:40.320 --> 00:41:46.520
to us, when he shines light on something, the only thing that he ever reveals to us

690
00:41:46.520 --> 00:41:51.920
is that we have the opportunity to live in greater love and greater freedom, period.

691
00:41:51.920 --> 00:41:54.000
It is never bringing condemnation.

692
00:41:54.000 --> 00:41:56.000
It is never bringing shame.

693
00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:58.280
He's never talking about the past.

694
00:41:58.280 --> 00:42:02.800
He's only talking about, Hey, wouldn't you like this better thing?

695
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:06.920
He's never condemning us for what we're in or what we've been through.

696
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:11.960
So the very first thing that I recommend that I recommend to everyone to do, I do this to

697
00:42:11.960 --> 00:42:12.960
myself.

698
00:42:12.960 --> 00:42:15.560
I tell my friends this, I tell my clients, this, the very first thing that we need to

699
00:42:15.600 --> 00:42:19.560
face when we're struggling with something like, Lord, what do I do?

700
00:42:19.560 --> 00:42:21.600
Or even, Lord, what's the right thing?

701
00:42:21.600 --> 00:42:23.040
What's the wrong thing?

702
00:42:23.040 --> 00:42:30.200
Whenever we find ourselves in a state of angst and anxiety, it, the root of that is, is going

703
00:42:30.200 --> 00:42:31.800
to be things like shame.

704
00:42:31.800 --> 00:42:36.040
And so the very first thing that we need to deal with before we can make a righteous judgment

705
00:42:36.040 --> 00:42:40.520
about what it is that we need to now do or understand what it is the spirit's trying

706
00:42:40.520 --> 00:42:47.360
to say is first, we have to understand that there is therefore now no condemnation and,

707
00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:51.600
and release ourselves while shame and condemnation that has to be dealt with first before we

708
00:42:51.600 --> 00:42:57.800
can actually try to, uh, uh, before it's good for us to approach something like this big

709
00:42:57.800 --> 00:43:02.640
knot that we're trying to untangle or, um, trying to understand, okay, Lord, how should

710
00:43:02.640 --> 00:43:04.360
I deal with this situation?

711
00:43:04.360 --> 00:43:07.320
How should I handle this relationship?

712
00:43:07.320 --> 00:43:09.240
What is it that the spirit's trying to say?

713
00:43:09.240 --> 00:43:17.880
Whenever we first have to release, we have to, we have to choose our own reality that

714
00:43:17.880 --> 00:43:25.160
there, that I am not, um, that I have no shame and that I have no condemnation.

715
00:43:25.160 --> 00:43:28.680
God does not oppress any shame or condemnation on me.

716
00:43:28.680 --> 00:43:31.840
And I need to deal with that first before I deal with anything else.

717
00:43:31.840 --> 00:43:35.640
So I always recommend to people that it like, for instance, if they're dealing with a relationship

718
00:43:35.640 --> 00:43:40.200
issue, say for instance, that there was some altercation and two of you were going at

719
00:43:40.200 --> 00:43:45.920
it and then, um, with someone and then you're thinking, okay, and then you, you partway

720
00:43:45.920 --> 00:43:58.920
it's best to deal with shame and condemnation first before you think, Oh my goodness, I

721
00:43:58.920 --> 00:44:00.560
need to go apologize to them.

722
00:44:00.560 --> 00:44:01.560
Yeah.

723
00:44:01.560 --> 00:44:03.400
It's important to deal with the shame and condemnation first.

724
00:44:03.400 --> 00:44:07.080
Now, if they're right in front of you and you just kind of need to get non, you need

725
00:44:07.080 --> 00:44:09.280
to apologize, need to whatever it will, then that's great.

726
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:12.520
And in your time you can deal with shame, condemnation, but if there's any chance and

727
00:44:12.520 --> 00:44:18.320
possibility at all, like even like 60 seconds to deal with oneself, to remove the shame

728
00:44:18.320 --> 00:44:21.680
and the condemnation, that's the most important thing to the Lord.

729
00:44:21.680 --> 00:44:24.000
He's like, they need to know who it is that they are.

730
00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:30.240
He's more, he's more invested in us knowing who it is that we are than what it is that

731
00:44:30.240 --> 00:44:31.680
we're doing or not doing.

732
00:44:31.680 --> 00:44:36.200
Because when it is that we're doing and not doing is, is a result of what it is, who it

733
00:44:36.200 --> 00:44:37.720
is that we think that we are.

734
00:44:37.720 --> 00:44:44.240
So even to the Lord, you know, our, our identity, our sense of, um, our, our, our understanding

735
00:44:44.240 --> 00:44:49.840
that he says that we have no shame, no condemnation is more important to him that we deal with

736
00:44:49.840 --> 00:44:51.880
than anything else that we do.

737
00:44:51.880 --> 00:44:52.880
Right.

738
00:44:52.880 --> 00:44:57.800
But you're not saying so like what it is that we're doing or not doing as a result of who

739
00:44:57.800 --> 00:44:58.800
we are.

740
00:44:58.800 --> 00:44:59.800
Right.

741
00:44:59.800 --> 00:44:59.800


742
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.460
It's not, did I say who it is that we are?

743
00:45:05.460 --> 00:45:09.780
It's who it is that we think that we are and what it is that we believe.

744
00:45:09.780 --> 00:45:10.780
That's how we act.

745
00:45:10.780 --> 00:45:15.660
And so when we act according to who it is that we truly are, that's when we're going

746
00:45:15.660 --> 00:45:21.220
to find that we naturally do everything it is that we were trying effortlessly, that

747
00:45:21.220 --> 00:45:26.820
all this time we've been trying so hard to do, we don't have to work at it.

748
00:45:26.820 --> 00:45:28.820
Sorry, this is a good old Texas phrase.

749
00:45:28.820 --> 00:45:29.820
I love it.

750
00:45:29.820 --> 00:45:32.820
It's one of those Christian, I don't know, cuss words.

751
00:45:32.820 --> 00:45:33.820
I'm just kidding.

752
00:45:33.820 --> 00:45:34.820
It's not a cuss word.

753
00:45:34.820 --> 00:45:35.820
No, I love it.

754
00:45:35.820 --> 00:45:44.820
You know, it's one of those things that we say in the South.

755
00:45:44.820 --> 00:45:48.540
Anyway, do y'all have that word up north?

756
00:45:48.540 --> 00:45:49.540
Daggum.

757
00:45:49.540 --> 00:45:50.540
Daggum.

758
00:45:50.540 --> 00:45:53.580
I know it because, I mean, I always wanted to be Southern, Southern Belle.

759
00:45:53.580 --> 00:45:56.700
Like there's part of me, you know, always wanted to, but I grew up in Florida.

760
00:45:57.580 --> 00:46:00.500
Florida has its own, I mean, it's a melting pot.

761
00:46:00.500 --> 00:46:01.500
It doesn't count.

762
00:46:01.500 --> 00:46:02.500
It is.

763
00:46:02.500 --> 00:46:03.500
It doesn't count.

764
00:46:03.500 --> 00:46:05.180
So, you know, no, it doesn't count.

765
00:46:05.180 --> 00:46:06.180
It's not the South.

766
00:46:06.180 --> 00:46:11.660
So, you know, I would travel through those states and all of that and just have the connection

767
00:46:11.660 --> 00:46:12.660
to the South.

768
00:46:12.660 --> 00:46:16.100
But being from Florida, I was never, you know, actually could claim it.

769
00:46:16.100 --> 00:46:20.700
And yet I heard all the words and the terms and yeah, I have my grandparents are from

770
00:46:20.700 --> 00:46:21.700
Kentucky.

771
00:46:21.700 --> 00:46:22.700
So, you know, Kentucky.

772
00:46:22.700 --> 00:46:23.700
Oh, wow.

773
00:46:23.700 --> 00:46:24.700
Hills of Kentucky.

774
00:46:24.700 --> 00:46:25.700
Yeah.

775
00:46:25.700 --> 00:46:26.700
Yeah.

776
00:46:26.700 --> 00:46:27.700
You're going to hear some of that.

777
00:46:27.700 --> 00:46:28.700
Oh, that's cute.

778
00:46:28.700 --> 00:46:29.700
Come over yonder.

779
00:46:29.700 --> 00:46:30.700
Yeah.

780
00:46:30.700 --> 00:46:33.700
My grandparents are always like, Robert, come over yonder.

781
00:46:33.700 --> 00:46:36.460
Time for supper.

782
00:46:36.460 --> 00:46:37.460
That's right.

783
00:46:37.460 --> 00:46:38.460
That's right.

784
00:46:38.460 --> 00:46:39.460
I love it.

785
00:46:39.460 --> 00:46:42.420
Please use all your lingo from the South.

786
00:46:42.420 --> 00:46:43.420
It's happy for me.

787
00:46:43.420 --> 00:46:44.420
Oh, good.

788
00:46:44.420 --> 00:46:45.420
Good.

789
00:46:45.420 --> 00:46:46.420
Yeah.

790
00:46:46.420 --> 00:46:47.420
Y'all is my favorite.

791
00:46:47.420 --> 00:46:48.420
And y'all.

792
00:46:48.420 --> 00:46:49.420
Yeah.

793
00:46:49.420 --> 00:46:53.260
I say y'all and I'm not, I'm not from the South, but I say y'all and I'm one of those

794
00:46:53.260 --> 00:46:54.260
two.

795
00:46:54.260 --> 00:46:55.260
Yeah, because it's a good word.

796
00:46:55.820 --> 00:46:56.820
Yeah.

797
00:46:56.820 --> 00:46:57.820
I mean, how can you say it's weird?

798
00:46:57.820 --> 00:46:58.820
It's just weird.

799
00:46:58.820 --> 00:47:05.220
So, but the thing is, yeah, the shame and condemnation, that's the first thing that

800
00:47:05.220 --> 00:47:09.300
we should deal with because we always act according to who it is, that according to

801
00:47:09.300 --> 00:47:12.780
what it is we truly believe and what it is we truly believe about ourselves.

802
00:47:12.780 --> 00:47:14.220
So God's like, no, no, no.

803
00:47:14.220 --> 00:47:18.620
The identity as foundational, that's most important because then effortlessly, once

804
00:47:18.620 --> 00:47:24.380
we shift into who it is that we really are, we effortlessly will act according to who

805
00:47:24.500 --> 00:47:26.220
it is that we really are.

806
00:47:26.220 --> 00:47:28.420
And we no longer have to work for it.

807
00:47:28.420 --> 00:47:32.260
Again, this whole idea of you're doing, we do everything out of rest.

808
00:47:32.260 --> 00:47:37.020
So in order to do everything out of rest, we have to shift into rest and where is rest?

809
00:47:37.020 --> 00:47:41.940
Rest is, is in God and that is our identity because our identity is the point at which

810
00:47:41.940 --> 00:47:44.500
our spirit connects with his spirit.

811
00:47:44.500 --> 00:47:49.860
That juncture is called our identity because I don't believe that we don't have an identity

812
00:47:49.860 --> 00:47:55.860
outside of God and yet we are not the God who created us so that our identity is the

813
00:47:55.860 --> 00:47:56.860
juncture.

814
00:47:56.860 --> 00:48:02.900
It's the point at which we are in union with him at which we've unified.

815
00:48:02.900 --> 00:48:09.380
And so it's from our identity and agreeing with that identity that once we believe that

816
00:48:09.380 --> 00:48:14.100
that's who it is that we are and that God is who he says that he is, we effortlessly

817
00:48:14.100 --> 00:48:16.980
act according to our very nature.

818
00:48:17.100 --> 00:48:24.300
So all of this stuff that we're doing, um, is, is very contrary to our nature.

819
00:48:24.300 --> 00:48:25.300
Yeah.

820
00:48:25.300 --> 00:48:26.300
It's hard.

821
00:48:26.300 --> 00:48:28.700
It is actually very hard for us to sin.

822
00:48:28.700 --> 00:48:34.220
We think that it's easy, but it's not, and it's a principle of nature that it is very

823
00:48:34.220 --> 00:48:41.700
difficult for things in nature, including, including us to operate opposite of our nature.

824
00:48:41.700 --> 00:48:46.420
And so it's very, so we need to let one of the lies that we need to let go of is that

825
00:48:46.420 --> 00:48:50.260
it's actually easy for us to sin just because it's a habit.

826
00:48:50.260 --> 00:48:55.500
And just because we've grown up in this modality and this, um, this belief does not mean that

827
00:48:55.500 --> 00:48:57.460
it's actually easy for us.

828
00:48:57.460 --> 00:49:04.180
So I heard you say in your video that like we're born, I wrote it down cause this is

829
00:49:04.180 --> 00:49:07.740
so different than what the church teaches, which I'm, I'm getting instructing from all

830
00:49:07.740 --> 00:49:10.900
of what I grew up with and all these different denominations.

831
00:49:10.900 --> 00:49:15.300
And what I grew up with, I grew up with the fact that being told that I was, that I had

832
00:49:15.300 --> 00:49:16.300
a sinful nature.

833
00:49:16.300 --> 00:49:17.300
Yes.

834
00:49:17.300 --> 00:49:18.300
Me too.

835
00:49:18.300 --> 00:49:23.260
And this is, you said that we're born perfect and then the lies come in and we forget, you

836
00:49:23.260 --> 00:49:24.660
know who we are through layers of lies.

837
00:49:24.660 --> 00:49:27.740
And I was like, Oh, which isn't completely foreign to me.

838
00:49:27.740 --> 00:49:32.900
It's just new in the sense that God pulled me religion away from religion like a year

839
00:49:32.900 --> 00:49:33.900
and a half ago.

840
00:49:33.900 --> 00:49:37.740
And it's been this journey just, it's still new enough that I'm like, Oh, cause that really

841
00:49:37.740 --> 00:49:42.460
does go against, I was taught you're born sinful and our kids, you know, my girls are

842
00:49:42.460 --> 00:49:45.620
born sinful and that I have to lead them to the Lord.

843
00:49:45.620 --> 00:49:49.220
And I'm like, but they know the Lord and they're, and I'll ask all of them, I'll be like, where

844
00:49:49.220 --> 00:49:50.460
did you, that's really profound.

845
00:49:50.460 --> 00:49:51.780
Like, where did you learn that?

846
00:49:51.780 --> 00:49:52.940
Like, how do you know that stuff?

847
00:49:52.940 --> 00:49:56.420
And she's like, you told me mom, or she'll be like, I learned it from you.

848
00:49:56.420 --> 00:50:00.020
Like, you know, her dad or, you know, God showed me.

849
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:05.100
And I'm like, oh, yeah, cause it really did teach me that, you know, we're born

850
00:50:05.100 --> 00:50:07.280
sinful and that we're, we're sinners.

851
00:50:07.800 --> 00:50:11.340
And I mean, all the Baptist churches that I was part of, you know, I mean, even if

852
00:50:11.340 --> 00:50:14.500
they didn't call themselves Baptist, if they came for addict, like from that

853
00:50:14.500 --> 00:50:20.880
Calvinistic, whatever angle, they would say all this stuff about, you know, yeah,

854
00:50:20.880 --> 00:50:26.020
our kids, we need to like they're sinners until they come to a decision to, you

855
00:50:26.020 --> 00:50:29.420
know, to know the Lord and we have to lead them in that all these years until

856
00:50:29.420 --> 00:50:34.880
they come to that decision and that we're sinners and that we're basically

857
00:50:34.880 --> 00:50:38.400
worms and God is sovereign and they would use the word sovereign all the

858
00:50:38.400 --> 00:50:45.980
time, like God is sovereign and we're nothing like this is a not making sense,

859
00:50:45.980 --> 00:50:47.460
but I was under that for some good years.

860
00:50:47.460 --> 00:50:49.000
So anyways, yes, I hear you.

861
00:50:49.220 --> 00:50:49.720
I believe you.

862
00:50:49.720 --> 00:50:50.220
Yeah.

863
00:50:50.940 --> 00:50:51.440
Yeah.

864
00:50:51.440 --> 00:50:52.820
So, um, yeah, I correct.

865
00:50:52.820 --> 00:50:55.820
So it's not easy for us to sin is what you're saying, right?

866
00:50:55.840 --> 00:50:58.480
It's not easy for us to sin because it's counter to our nature.

867
00:50:59.100 --> 00:51:03.400
So that is, we're acting like something that we're not.

868
00:51:03.780 --> 00:51:08.420
Um, we're, we're, we're women trying to act like a man thinking that we're a man

869
00:51:08.420 --> 00:51:11.940
or a man trying to act like there were one, it doesn't make any sense ever.

870
00:51:11.940 --> 00:51:15.520
It's just, it's like, it's too rooted in our DNA.

871
00:51:16.020 --> 00:51:22.400
And, um, and so it's actually very, very hard, but because it's so prevalent

872
00:51:22.400 --> 00:51:26.360
and because it's the lie that's perpetuated, then we think that it's

873
00:51:26.380 --> 00:51:30.100
easy and it's not, it's just, it's a, it's a brainwashing.

874
00:51:30.500 --> 00:51:36.440
It's a, uh, it's a brainwashing within our, um, uh, within the kingdom of the world.

875
00:51:37.040 --> 00:51:37.640
Yeah.

876
00:51:37.800 --> 00:51:42.720
So anyway, but I just wanted to mention that is, is that you don't have, we

877
00:51:42.720 --> 00:51:48.160
don't have to be afraid when we go before the Lord and when we ask his light

878
00:51:48.340 --> 00:51:51.520
and his love to shine on us, we don't have to be afraid of what we're going

879
00:51:51.520 --> 00:51:57.480
to find because all that he reveals to us is whatever way that we are acting or

880
00:51:57.480 --> 00:52:01.500
whatever it is we're doing or whatever it is we thought about ourselves actually

881
00:52:01.500 --> 00:52:06.400
is not true about us and that if we acted a particular way, he's just like,

882
00:52:06.400 --> 00:52:09.500
yeah, he said, well, you're not shamed and condemned for that.

883
00:52:09.500 --> 00:52:11.880
He said, that doesn't separate you from me.

884
00:52:12.160 --> 00:52:15.240
See, that's another thing that, that we, we think, we think, well, every

885
00:52:15.240 --> 00:52:21.160
time we, we do something that's contrary to being a Christian or whatever.

886
00:52:21.520 --> 00:52:23.000
That it separates us from God.

887
00:52:23.000 --> 00:52:23.920
And it's not true.

888
00:52:24.180 --> 00:52:28.480
We were born after Christ died, meaning that we were born under the new covenant

889
00:52:28.480 --> 00:52:31.480
and we were born after the time that Jesus unified us all with him.

890
00:52:31.880 --> 00:52:35.560
So the difference between Christians and non-Christians, and this is a very

891
00:52:35.880 --> 00:52:38.080
difficult concept for most people to swallow.

892
00:52:38.680 --> 00:52:40.680
Um, it was, it was challenging for me too.

893
00:52:40.680 --> 00:52:46.760
When I, when I shifted into, uh, into this, um, understanding when the

894
00:52:46.760 --> 00:52:48.120
Lord began to reveal this to me.

895
00:52:48.480 --> 00:52:52.600
But, uh, that's the fact that we're all unified with Christ and we all always

896
00:52:52.600 --> 00:52:56.040
have been, you know, including the non-Christians, the difference between

897
00:52:56.040 --> 00:52:59.080
the Christians and the non-Christians is that the Christians have accepted

898
00:52:59.080 --> 00:53:05.320
the fact that Jesus has unified us with him and that he's the only way to, uh,

899
00:53:05.360 --> 00:53:09.240
to relationship with the father while the non-Christians are unified with him,

900
00:53:09.440 --> 00:53:13.240
that they do not believe that Jesus Christ is the way to be unified with

901
00:53:13.240 --> 00:53:17.000
the father and therefore they, um, and so that's the difference.

902
00:53:17.000 --> 00:53:19.640
The difference is belief and it always has been.

903
00:53:20.040 --> 00:53:20.800
It's not.

904
00:53:21.000 --> 00:53:29.160
So, um, in that, from that perspective, we are the, um, uh, what would you call it?

905
00:53:29.240 --> 00:53:34.240
Uh, it, it, it comes down to us, but that's a good thing.

906
00:53:34.480 --> 00:53:38.360
It's not a, it's not a place from which we need to receive condemnation of,

907
00:53:38.360 --> 00:53:40.680
oh my word, you mean I've done this to myself this whole time.

908
00:53:40.720 --> 00:53:41.720
How bad does that make me?

909
00:53:42.240 --> 00:53:44.040
God's like, no, you're not bad at all.

910
00:53:44.040 --> 00:53:45.240
He's like, that's the problem.

911
00:53:45.440 --> 00:53:46.280
You think you are.

912
00:53:46.760 --> 00:53:48.840
And we need to stop thinking that you are.

913
00:53:49.520 --> 00:53:53.760
So that's the only problem we're, we're, we're enslaved in our own mind.

914
00:53:53.800 --> 00:53:55.480
We're not even like Satan.

915
00:53:55.520 --> 00:53:56.920
We're not enslaved at all.

916
00:53:57.320 --> 00:54:02.520
It, what we're doing is we, we found this, um, this square on the sidewalk

917
00:54:02.920 --> 00:54:06.280
and we believe that we're in a cage.

918
00:54:06.560 --> 00:54:09.800
We believe that there are bars around us and that we can't get out.

919
00:54:10.280 --> 00:54:13.000
And God's like, no, you're not in a cage.

920
00:54:13.360 --> 00:54:15.800
You've come up with it out of your own mind.

921
00:54:16.080 --> 00:54:19.440
But because we've come up with it out of our own mind and because we believe it

922
00:54:19.440 --> 00:54:22.520
so strongly, we're going to act like we're in a cage and we're not going

923
00:54:22.520 --> 00:54:24.360
to allow ourselves to live beyond it.

924
00:54:24.880 --> 00:54:29.000
We're, we, we're going to constantly, we're creating a, um, we're creating

925
00:54:29.000 --> 00:54:34.400
our own prison and we'll live within that prison, um, that God's like, no,

926
00:54:34.440 --> 00:54:38.560
I want you to be exposed to my lot and my love, and it's not going to reveal

927
00:54:38.560 --> 00:54:42.960
that you're in a prison, uh, when you're so badly hoping that it's not true.

928
00:54:42.960 --> 00:54:45.240
He's like, I'm not going to reveal to you that you're in a prison.

929
00:54:45.240 --> 00:54:46.480
I'm actually going to reveal to you.

930
00:54:46.480 --> 00:54:49.400
You don't have, you don't have to live like you're living.

931
00:54:49.720 --> 00:54:52.680
You can actually live in greater love and greater freedom.

932
00:54:52.880 --> 00:54:56.440
He never comes to us to correct us in condemnation.

933
00:54:56.760 --> 00:54:57.680
It's like, no, no, no.

934
00:54:58.000 --> 00:55:00.040
He corrects us and be like, look.

935
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:02.140
That's not actually true.

936
00:55:02.140 --> 00:55:03.140
Isn't that great?

937
00:55:03.140 --> 00:55:05.600
It's always towards love.

938
00:55:05.600 --> 00:55:08.280
It's always towards freedom.

939
00:55:08.280 --> 00:55:14.840
It's not ever towards, hey, why have you been thinking about this whole time?

940
00:55:14.840 --> 00:55:19.240
When he like really, really got onto people, they were the Pharisees and the reason that

941
00:55:19.240 --> 00:55:21.900
he got onto them and the disciples as well.

942
00:55:21.900 --> 00:55:25.760
Remember when he got onto Peter and he said, get behind me, Satan, even when he talked

943
00:55:25.760 --> 00:55:29.480
to Peter like that, why was he doing that with Peter and with Pharisees?

944
00:55:29.480 --> 00:55:36.680
The same thing, in fact, Jesus mentioned it in that conversation with Peter, he's like,

945
00:55:36.680 --> 00:55:43.560
oh, what is, oh, I don't remember the phrase that he used, where's my Bible, oh, there

946
00:55:43.560 --> 00:55:44.560
it is.

947
00:55:44.560 --> 00:55:51.880
But basically he just said, hey, you know, Peter, you're trying to throw, I don't remember

948
00:55:51.880 --> 00:55:58.040
the phrase he used, but basically he said, you know, you're trying to create a barrier

949
00:55:58.040 --> 00:55:59.640
between me and God.

950
00:55:59.640 --> 00:56:03.360
That's not the word, that's not the phrase he used, but that's basically the idea.

951
00:56:03.360 --> 00:56:10.120
God really gets onto the Pharisees and on Peter when they are trying to create a system

952
00:56:10.120 --> 00:56:17.960
that tries to create in people's minds, a separation between them and God, because God

953
00:56:17.960 --> 00:56:20.360
takes that extremely seriously.

954
00:56:20.360 --> 00:56:25.920
So when Peter did that, even with Jesus, Jesus, even though it wasn't possible because Jesus

955
00:56:25.960 --> 00:56:32.960
wouldn't have accepted it, the fact that Peter tried to create that barrier, Jesus rebuked

956
00:56:32.960 --> 00:56:35.560
him very harshly.

957
00:56:35.560 --> 00:56:40.880
I mean, that's the verse that we always go back to when we think of Jesus being harsh

958
00:56:40.880 --> 00:56:42.120
with the disciple.

959
00:56:42.120 --> 00:56:45.960
We all go back to that one, and that one Jesus said very plainly, he's like, you are trying

960
00:56:45.960 --> 00:56:53.400
to get in between me and the Lord, and it says that it's better that a millstone was

961
00:56:53.400 --> 00:56:59.640
tied around someone's neck and drowned and that he lead a child of the Lord's astray.

962
00:56:59.640 --> 00:57:03.680
Because God takes separation between him and his people that is created by someone else

963
00:57:03.680 --> 00:57:05.400
to be very, very serious.

964
00:57:05.400 --> 00:57:10.720
So I just mentioned that in the fact that God doesn't come to us when he comes to us

965
00:57:10.720 --> 00:57:11.720
directly.

966
00:57:11.720 --> 00:57:12.720
God doesn't do that to us.

967
00:57:12.720 --> 00:57:17.560
He doesn't come to us and say, Hey, look, you've been bad, you've done something wrong.

968
00:57:17.560 --> 00:57:19.160
I'm telling you that there's separation.

969
00:57:19.160 --> 00:57:24.920
I'm telling you that you are bad and that you need to fix yourself and whatever, and

970
00:57:24.920 --> 00:57:27.040
that we're even going to work on it together.

971
00:57:27.040 --> 00:57:30.920
God's like, no, you're not bad, and that's the first thing you need to accept.

972
00:57:30.920 --> 00:57:34.520
Now that you know you're not bad, wouldn't you like greater love?

973
00:57:34.520 --> 00:57:36.120
Wouldn't you like greater freedom?

974
00:57:36.120 --> 00:57:43.000
But we have to accept where we are first before we can truly step into and receive the greater

975
00:57:43.000 --> 00:57:44.320
love and the greater freedom.

976
00:57:44.320 --> 00:57:50.360
Otherwise, we always feel like moving into greater love and greater freedom is an action

977
00:57:50.360 --> 00:57:55.240
that we're taking to escape where we were, and we have got to deal with the fact that

978
00:57:55.240 --> 00:57:59.320
wherever it is that we are, we're not a problem.

979
00:57:59.320 --> 00:58:02.200
And God loves us just as much there, and he's not going to love us more later.

980
00:58:02.200 --> 00:58:08.400
He's not going to love us more when we obey him and when we grow and when we mature, that

981
00:58:08.400 --> 00:58:09.400
it doesn't change.

982
00:58:09.400 --> 00:58:15.520
And we have to accept that where we are is the fullness of his love and his union and

983
00:58:15.520 --> 00:58:18.120
union with him first.

984
00:58:18.120 --> 00:58:21.080
And it's like, okay, now there's nowhere to go but up.

985
00:58:21.080 --> 00:58:22.080
Right.

986
00:58:22.080 --> 00:58:23.080
Yeah.

987
00:58:23.080 --> 00:58:24.080
That's good.

988
00:58:24.080 --> 00:58:25.080
I'm going to say that again.

989
00:58:25.080 --> 00:58:26.520
He won't love us more later.

990
00:58:26.520 --> 00:58:27.520
Yeah.

991
00:58:27.520 --> 00:58:28.520
Yeah.

992
00:58:28.520 --> 00:58:29.520
He won't.

993
00:58:29.520 --> 00:58:33.840
He won't love us more later and won't love us any more than he loves us already now.

994
00:58:33.840 --> 00:58:39.560
And where it is that we are now is the fullness of the love and union that we can have with

995
00:58:39.560 --> 00:58:40.560
him.

996
00:58:40.560 --> 00:58:46.360
And we have to accept that first before and accept his love where we are now.

997
00:58:46.360 --> 00:58:51.560
That's why I recommend that, that practice of getting with Jesus and having him look

998
00:58:51.560 --> 00:58:58.080
at us and not loving him back because we tend to love someone back thinking that I don't

999
00:58:58.080 --> 00:58:59.080
deserve it.

1000
00:58:59.080 --> 00:59:00.080
I need to give something back.

1001
00:59:00.080 --> 00:59:03.360
I can't just receive, I have to give.

1002
00:59:03.880 --> 00:59:08.280
It's very hard for us to receive without giving back, including love from the Lord.

1003
00:59:08.280 --> 00:59:11.320
And we have to know first before we can move on.

1004
00:59:11.320 --> 00:59:16.280
We have to, otherwise in our further journey, we're always going to look back on, yeah,

1005
00:59:16.280 --> 00:59:17.920
that was my shame filled time.

1006
00:59:17.920 --> 00:59:18.920
That was the bad time.

1007
00:59:18.920 --> 00:59:26.720
That was the thing that God, that was the me, that and the lifestyle and the whatever

1008
00:59:26.720 --> 00:59:32.080
when I was separated from God or when I was bad and he grabbed me up out of this miry

1009
00:59:32.080 --> 00:59:33.080
pit.

1010
00:59:33.080 --> 00:59:38.840
And God's like, no, it's like, that was back when you thought something was true that really

1011
00:59:38.840 --> 00:59:39.840
wasn't.

1012
00:59:39.840 --> 00:59:40.840
So we have to accept this first.

1013
00:59:40.840 --> 00:59:41.840
That makes so much sense.

1014
00:59:41.840 --> 00:59:42.840
Yeah.

1015
00:59:42.840 --> 00:59:43.840
Wow.

1016
00:59:43.840 --> 00:59:44.840
Well, I have so much.

1017
00:59:44.840 --> 00:59:49.920
I have like between the teaching and then just us talking, I probably have like five

1018
00:59:49.920 --> 00:59:50.920
pages of notes.

1019
00:59:50.920 --> 00:59:51.920
So it's great.

1020
00:59:51.920 --> 00:59:58.440
It's a lot to like, but it's all really, really profound and wow, that makes a lot of sense.

1021
00:59:58.440 --> 00:59:59.440
It already feels like.

1022
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.820
I don't know. I mean, when you go into something like this, like, okay, from what, what I've

1023
01:00:04.820 --> 01:00:11.920
shared with you today, like what you know, is it possible that it's not, that the deliverance

1024
01:00:11.920 --> 01:00:17.600
is not as scary as what I feared and thought it was? Oh, absolutely. I can go through this

1025
01:00:17.600 --> 01:00:24.920
process and become free from these lies without torment. Oh, heck yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

1026
01:00:25.920 --> 01:00:31.880
I believe in spiritual warfare. I believe in all that inner healing and, you know, commanding

1027
01:00:31.880 --> 01:00:36.120
the devil and doing all of this stuff. But the thing is that that's the hard route. It's

1028
01:00:36.120 --> 01:00:40.360
a very effective route and I've done it myself. I've lived a majority of my life like that.

1029
01:00:40.360 --> 01:00:45.160
I say the majority of my life. That's not true. Once I actually discovered the reality

1030
01:00:45.160 --> 01:00:48.680
of spiritual warfare, I've always believed in it because I grew up in a home that believed

1031
01:00:48.680 --> 01:00:54.360
in it, but we were never talked to about it, like how to fight it, what to do and all of

1032
01:00:54.360 --> 01:00:59.320
that. So once I discovered that as an adult, then from that time on, my whole focus was

1033
01:00:59.320 --> 01:01:06.080
on defending myself against this, against the, the spirits of darkness. And, and so

1034
01:01:06.080 --> 01:01:11.520
now I, I discovered that actually that's a hard way to do it. It's effective, but it's

1035
01:01:11.520 --> 01:01:16.680
at least 10 times harder than living in rest. So if I live in rest according to my identity,

1036
01:01:16.680 --> 01:01:21.040
well then all I have to do is, is operate according to my identity and the devil does

1037
01:01:21.040 --> 01:01:29.000
and the devil touches me not. Oh, that's awesome. Wow. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, I'd rather

1038
01:01:29.000 --> 01:01:34.160
do it that way. Yes. And I talked a little bit about it in, when I talk about the three

1039
01:01:34.160 --> 01:01:42.200
realms teaching, but I didn't go into tremendous depth about spiritual warfare, but I did mention

1040
01:01:42.200 --> 01:01:46.120
the fact that I did mention all of this, the fact that if you, if you're operating more

1041
01:01:46.120 --> 01:01:50.360
in the soul or the body, there's all of this fight against spiritual warfare. It's like

1042
01:01:50.360 --> 01:01:54.520
the second heaven, which you don't want to be in the second heaven, which was where all

1043
01:01:54.520 --> 01:01:58.600
this fighting happens. Yeah. You want to be in the higher, you want to go higher in the

1044
01:01:58.600 --> 01:02:04.600
third heaven, which is where we're seated. Right. Correct. And you just don't, um, and

1045
01:02:04.600 --> 01:02:08.200
you can learn all of those things and they're all of those deliverance ministries, et cetera.

1046
01:02:08.200 --> 01:02:12.040
And they're very useful. And God provides this for people that believe that they live

1047
01:02:12.040 --> 01:02:18.400
down there. He provided people for people like me who were used to be in that, and it's

1048
01:02:18.400 --> 01:02:22.240
not that I don't still use it. Sometimes I do, because that's what my soul needs. Cause

1049
01:02:22.240 --> 01:02:26.160
I'm having a difficult time in a particular area and getting up into my spirit. So I'm

1050
01:02:26.160 --> 01:02:30.560
like, okay, my soul needs an old leverage that even though it's 10 times harder, at

1051
01:02:30.560 --> 01:02:38.720
least it works. And so, and so I'll do it, but we don't have to. So in most, in a lot

1052
01:02:38.720 --> 01:02:43.600
of areas, I don't have to battle. Um, I don't have to battle the demonic in that way because

1053
01:02:43.600 --> 01:02:48.960
I actually believe that I am who God says that I am, but in certain areas and not in others.

1054
01:02:48.960 --> 01:02:53.120
And in the areas that you believe that I am, who God says that I am, it is so much more

1055
01:02:53.120 --> 01:02:57.200
effortless to fight the devil. Now. I don't even pay him any attention because he, because

1056
01:02:57.200 --> 01:03:03.840
he can't touch me. He literally, literally cannot touch me because I'm, I am the position

1057
01:03:03.840 --> 01:03:09.920
of Jesus to him. He can't touch Jesus. So that'll work. It's all fine. But in other areas, I,

1058
01:03:09.920 --> 01:03:15.760
I really battle and I really struggle with my carnal nature and, um, and that I sometimes,

1059
01:03:15.760 --> 01:03:20.960
uh, I sometimes have to fight a bit more in the spiritual warfare area. So it's, it's not that

1060
01:03:20.960 --> 01:03:26.000
it's, it's, it's that bad and wrong and we can't use it. It's just, there's a better,

1061
01:03:26.000 --> 01:03:30.720
maybe it's more of a tool. Like, yes, it's like more to be viewed as a tool than a way,

1062
01:03:30.720 --> 01:03:36.080
like a method. Correct. Yeah. It's a tool. It's a leverage that the Lord provided us

1063
01:03:36.160 --> 01:03:40.000
and his graciousness to his children, knowing that they believe to like, this is like, I'm

1064
01:03:40.000 --> 01:03:44.240
going to give you a tool and to fight it because as a good father, he doesn't leave us unprotected.

1065
01:03:45.200 --> 01:03:50.560
Now, yes, if we're down in the soul, we believe that he's left us unprotected and that we have

1066
01:03:50.560 --> 01:03:54.240
to fight for ourselves. So what he does is he's like, okay, if you're going to fight for yourself,

1067
01:03:54.240 --> 01:03:57.760
I'm going to at least prove as a good father, I can at least provide you with the tools with

1068
01:03:57.760 --> 01:04:03.200
which to do it. But I understand you're doing it on your own, but you've insisted to do it on your

1069
01:04:03.200 --> 01:04:09.440
own. So, but as a good father, I don't want to leave you, like I said, unprotected. So I'm going

1070
01:04:09.440 --> 01:04:13.520
to give you a, give you a weapon. I won't fight the fight for you because you're insisting on

1071
01:04:13.520 --> 01:04:19.520
fighting it for you, but for yourself, but here's a tool. Here's a sword. Yeah, so you can fight.

1072
01:04:19.520 --> 01:04:24.560
Right. Yeah. So funny. Wow. It's so much better if we just let our father fight it for us. But

1073
01:04:24.560 --> 01:04:28.560
if we've insisted on doing it ourselves, at least we have tools that the Lord gave us, you know,

1074
01:04:29.280 --> 01:04:34.160
to wield that are effective against the enemies. That's so wild. And it's reminding me, because I,

1075
01:04:34.160 --> 01:04:39.840
I know, I mean, there's things that I, even though it sounds like I'm all over the place

1076
01:04:39.840 --> 01:04:44.720
and like double-minded and you know, what I was describing about ping pong and all that, like I,

1077
01:04:44.720 --> 01:04:49.600
there's certain things that I know, like I've given my entire life to, because I know. And

1078
01:04:49.600 --> 01:04:59.440
one of those things is that I know that Isaiah 61 is true of like, that's what he came for. Right.

1079
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:06.760
that it's true that I'm called to that and I know that that's like I don't want

1080
01:05:06.760 --> 01:05:10.000
there's nothing else I want in life like there's nothing else that I want other

1081
01:05:10.000 --> 01:05:16.400
than who he's made me to be and that includes like that just includes sharing

1082
01:05:16.400 --> 01:05:21.440
sharing with other people like my my testimony and helping them like helping

1083
01:05:21.440 --> 01:05:25.920
walk alongside specifically women and girls not that I won't influence men but

1084
01:05:25.920 --> 01:05:33.960
you know I'm a woman so but I feel like that it's so so clear to me like that

1085
01:05:33.960 --> 01:05:42.240
that's it's such a conviction that I fight hard for other people as in like

1086
01:05:42.240 --> 01:05:46.400
not fighting not that I don't ever struggle with like my my boundaries but

1087
01:05:46.400 --> 01:05:51.080
I'm saying like truly like believing God's love for them right and and

1088
01:05:51.080 --> 01:05:56.200
pursuing them as selflessly as I just naturally do because I care so much

1089
01:05:56.200 --> 01:06:00.080
about relationships it's such a natural thing do you know I mean it doesn't cost

1090
01:06:00.080 --> 01:06:04.120
me I don't feel like it's these aren't my like my followers or my whoever like

1091
01:06:04.120 --> 01:06:09.120
these are my friends and so but there's somewhere that I was going with that

1092
01:06:09.120 --> 01:06:15.800
like oh and so so it brings me back to just with that with that conviction and

1093
01:06:15.800 --> 01:06:20.920
how clear the Lord's been with why he's allowed the struggles and why my

1094
01:06:20.920 --> 01:06:26.120
story like has is not been in vain you know the pain that I've walked through

1095
01:06:26.120 --> 01:06:30.920
everything hasn't been in vain he's made that very very clear so it's like I know

1096
01:06:30.920 --> 01:06:37.760
that he has a ministry for me I know that I'm not just here to you know to

1097
01:06:37.760 --> 01:06:41.040
work a job and you know yeah I have a good time and make some money like I'm

1098
01:06:41.040 --> 01:06:45.200
I'm I'm living on the fringes like I'm going I'm holding on to the hem of his

1099
01:06:45.200 --> 01:06:48.960
garment going into all of the places that people would call wackadoodle like

1100
01:06:48.960 --> 01:06:55.160
I don't care because I believe it and when one of my friends shared on her

1101
01:06:55.160 --> 01:07:03.400
live that she saw my ministry as she said I see your ministry and it's it's

1102
01:07:03.400 --> 01:07:07.640
one where of signs wonders and miracles but she said but it's gonna come from a

1103
01:07:07.640 --> 01:07:11.960
place of rest she said it's gonna happen without your striving and these things

1104
01:07:11.960 --> 01:07:15.240
are gonna happen and so it just it's making more sense now like why she would

1105
01:07:15.240 --> 01:07:21.200
say something like that and why I would be on the cusp of stepping into the

1106
01:07:21.200 --> 01:07:26.000
doing part of you know of really loving people and women in the way that he

1107
01:07:26.000 --> 01:07:32.240
shown me like that I would have to come into this rest then to do it like

1108
01:07:32.240 --> 01:07:39.640
without burning out without you know falling or self-sabotaging or whatever

1109
01:07:39.640 --> 01:07:45.320
so yeah it makes more sense so anyways I love I love what all that you shared

1110
01:07:45.320 --> 01:07:50.080
and just you and thank you so much I'm like so encouraged and you're looking

1111
01:07:50.080 --> 01:07:54.360
forward to I guess do I dive into I know I haven't done my post this week it's

1112
01:07:54.360 --> 01:07:58.320
been kind of nutty but I'm like it's already Wednesday so no worries the

1113
01:07:58.320 --> 01:08:02.880
group I'm gonna post in the group and hopefully do like my intro little little

1114
01:08:02.880 --> 01:08:07.040
video and stuff and just watch the next couple teachings this week is that am I

1115
01:08:07.040 --> 01:08:12.560
missing anything there uh nope no all of that sounds great yeah just look in

1116
01:08:12.560 --> 01:08:16.160
the announcements thing if you if you if you forget or you have any questions or

1117
01:08:16.160 --> 01:08:20.000
whatever or you're always talking message me and but yeah that would be

1118
01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:23.920
great and I'm gonna make a post to welcome you and a great let everybody

1119
01:08:23.920 --> 01:08:27.160
know that you're that that you're here I'll do I'll be doing that this

1120
01:08:27.160 --> 01:08:34.760
afternoon I'm excited to meet them and I'm definitely that person that wants to

1121
01:08:34.760 --> 01:08:38.200
be connected and plugged in so I feel like I haven't that's great

1122
01:08:38.200 --> 01:08:42.359
very special all of them are very extraordinary you're gonna like a lot

1123
01:08:42.359 --> 01:08:46.520
they all enjoy each other a lot so yeah like it felt like all of these really

1124
01:08:46.520 --> 01:08:51.040
special people in my life are just kind of like colliding and this is like

1125
01:08:51.040 --> 01:08:54.279
that's what you would want is you want to do life and business with your people

1126
01:08:54.279 --> 01:08:59.200
that you would choose if you choose so I love that okay have a beautiful day

1127
01:08:59.200 --> 01:09:03.520
thank you for everything I'm gonna be doing on this and just receiving it

1128
01:09:03.520 --> 01:09:07.880
really more than anything just receiving it into my spirit cuz it's

1129
01:09:07.880 --> 01:09:14.000
it's it it's really profound like how much that can free you from everything

1130
01:09:14.000 --> 01:09:20.800
that's like got you all in that place of angst and it's it's mind-blowing so yes

1131
01:09:20.800 --> 01:09:26.800
it's your inheritance amen amen sister okay we'll get to visit with you and

1132
01:09:26.800 --> 01:09:29.760
always feel free to reach out if you need anything or have any question or

1133
01:09:29.760 --> 01:09:36.640
want to let me know how you're doing okay I love it okay I will bye