WEBVTT

1
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:30.860
Thank you.

2
00:00:30.860 --> 00:00:32.880
Thank you.

3
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:32.880


4
00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:00.900
Thank you.

5
00:01:00.900 --> 00:01:00.900


6
00:01:28.900 --> 00:01:40.440
Are you seeing me sideways. Yeah, I think it's because the zoom either the zoom won't take it sideways, or, or maybe you have to manually flip it on soon.

7
00:01:41.580 --> 00:01:53.760
I wondered, I did the same thing on a zoom call with my collective girls this weekend and they were like no it's fine like we see you like normal, because I thought I have no idea why, but I don't want to do the vertical.

8
00:01:53.760 --> 00:02:04.840
I'm sorry. I know there's something on zoom that will that you have to, that you have to click. Oh, you know what, I wonder.

9
00:02:05.880 --> 00:02:10.280
I wonder if it mirrors, whatever I'm doing. So, so,

10
00:02:10.460 --> 00:02:24.660
Oh, the host and the host and those calls that I turn, yes, and it may. And the reason why I don't do that why don't do it sideways because I prefer sideways. The reason that I know is, is because then it looks like I'm not looking at the person.

11
00:02:25.380 --> 00:02:33.960
Because my eyes, you know, looking at the person too far away from the circle if the circles over here instead of up here. So that's why I stopped doing.

12
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:38.980
No, I agree. It's better. It's better. Let's do that.

13
00:02:39.160 --> 00:02:43.040
Like, I don't want them to feel like I'm like never looking at him.

14
00:02:43.440 --> 00:02:45.120
Right. I was like, I'll just do it.

15
00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:47.660
Yes. Love it.

16
00:02:48.120 --> 00:02:49.020
How are you today.

17
00:02:49.640 --> 00:02:51.220
I'm good. I'm good.

18
00:02:52.440 --> 00:02:53.000
Yeah.

19
00:02:53.680 --> 00:03:01.420
Before we jump into anything. I've been wanting to ask you, you've got several pairs of similar looking earrings, but they're all slightly different shapes.

20
00:03:02.140 --> 00:03:03.960
Leather or are they metal.

21
00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:14.420
Yeah, the most of them are leather and put my gloss on because they get dry. Sometimes, um, yeah, they're, they're mostly like the leather or leather, not, you know, like vegan leather.

22
00:03:15.760 --> 00:03:25.640
I think most of them are real leather, but I mean I use like vegan makeup and stuff, but I don't, I don't, I don't necessarily feel like my earrings need to be vegan.

23
00:03:27.100 --> 00:03:40.500
Personally, but they do they do sell them like that too. So, um, these are real, real leather from a little place in town like a little boutique, which we don't have a lot of because we're in Springfield, Illinois, which is the capital but not like a big city, you know.

24
00:03:40.500 --> 00:03:50.980
So it's a cute little boutique that a young woman started and they've got tons of cute like leather and these are the biggest I mean the longest I've ever seen, but I like the long

25
00:03:51.860 --> 00:04:01.880
And then I have a gold pair like they're bright, they're like this, but they're bright gold, you know, shiny metallic and they've got the feather with two layers. So there's like the feather.

26
00:04:01.880 --> 00:04:05.420
A long one with another layer shorter on top of it.

27
00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:06.380
That's pretty

28
00:04:06.820 --> 00:04:20.680
On Etsy, I think. And yeah, I just been loving them because they're so lightweight and I kind of wear the same few pairs over and over, but they're so lightweight. They're so different than a lot of the metal ones that get heavy. I don't know the ones that I've tried in the past, which

29
00:04:21.420 --> 00:04:21.860
Yeah.

30
00:04:22.260 --> 00:04:26.140
They can still be so cute, but the leather just they're just light and they feel

31
00:04:27.280 --> 00:04:32.560
They bring all the texture and all that, but also feel like not heavy to wear all day. So,

32
00:04:32.440 --> 00:04:35.440
Yeah, yeah, no, no, definitely makes sense.

33
00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:47.880
They're all the way I know of one girl selling them out of, you know, has out of Texas, you know, just that my friend has sent me that lives in Texas now and she's got like, you know, gosh, like 200 different

34
00:04:48.880 --> 00:04:58.480
Styles. I mean different colors prints everything you can think of from like little floral to stripes to every shape, color, pattern like and she just sells them

35
00:04:58.500 --> 00:04:59.940
On her shop and

36
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:10.140
In Texas. So maybe I'll send that to you that link. Oh, how fun. Yeah, please do. I'd be interested to know where in Texas that she has, of course, we're pretty big state but but

37
00:05:11.100 --> 00:05:12.160
We're all together.

38
00:05:12.840 --> 00:05:14.840
What you're pretty big state. Yes.

39
00:05:14.900 --> 00:05:20.680
I've been wondering about your, your process of of narrowing down belongings and traveling like what that

40
00:05:21.900 --> 00:05:29.600
What that looks like if you're like just trusting day by day, or if you know kind of when and where are parts of where

41
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:32.700
Yeah, I'm just, I'm just

42
00:05:34.700 --> 00:05:41.960
I don't even know fully how to describe it to someone else. I know what it is I'm doing, but I don't fully know how to describe someone else because I guess

43
00:05:41.960 --> 00:05:42.440
It's okay.

44
00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:49.560
The reason which is the reason that I asked people to, you know, post at least three Facebook posts a week.

45
00:05:49.560 --> 00:05:57.000
About their and about their, their journey, you know, just mentioning different things along their, their journey because it gives them

46
00:05:57.380 --> 00:06:07.180
At least three times a week in order to force themselves to articulate what they're going through. And so you see that I haven't articulated that and I hadn't

47
00:06:07.700 --> 00:06:14.460
For for someone else. It's just kind of like it's knowing that I have it. Oh, this is how I do it, but I haven't even articulated for myself.

48
00:06:14.460 --> 00:06:17.880
Like what what what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so

49
00:06:17.880 --> 00:06:20.600
Yeah, I get this would give me a good opportunity right here.

50
00:06:21.280 --> 00:06:22.780
So you don't have to either

51
00:06:23.880 --> 00:06:25.400
No problem at all.

52
00:06:26.680 --> 00:06:33.180
I guess I'm just and I am just asking the Lord, you know, just

53
00:06:33.940 --> 00:06:36.220
The two of us are just making decisions as we go.

54
00:06:37.390 --> 00:06:47.430
About about how we're about where we're going to go, what we're going to do and and I and I do it the same way that I, you know, recommend to everybody else about, you know, peace and all of that.

55
00:06:49.070 --> 00:06:57.290
In fact, there was something that I wanted to do a while back. I wanted to go like a week or two ago. I wanted to go to Montana.

56
00:06:57.290 --> 00:07:06.890
And I wanted to do that first instead of doing the shorter little loop and to to doubt back to Dallas on on in August.

57
00:07:07.110 --> 00:07:17.790
I wanted to, I wanted my short trip to be up to Montana, because I have a full month. So it's like, or I did so long story about how all of that again change.

58
00:07:18.730 --> 00:07:23.850
But it doesn't bother me that it changes because you know i i

59
00:07:23.850 --> 00:07:37.790
I don't plan really far ahead. I just have like test and see. Okay, so. And so, will, would you like me to come visit. Oh, yes, you would. Okay, well, would you these states work for you. Well, actually, these states for for me and

60
00:07:37.790 --> 00:07:46.030
And right whatever so well and so because I'm just planning flexibly just like, okay, well, let's see what happens. And then I test to see where where my

61
00:07:46.030 --> 00:07:56.330
Pieces that in order to understand where my current faith is that where the Father's heart is currently at and I wanted to go to Montana and everything was like looking perfect.

62
00:07:57.950 --> 00:07:59.390
Except I did not have peace.

63
00:08:00.250 --> 00:08:13.290
I wanted to go badly and everything but but he that was not where my piece of that and I didn't, I didn't suddenly get peace until I asked until I I

64
00:08:13.290 --> 00:08:25.010
Thought about, okay, what about doing that a little art or, you know, Louisiana, Arkansas and Dallas, and I was going to go to Houston, but my friend that I was going to visit Houston tested positive for coven

65
00:08:25.010 --> 00:08:26.550
And that's why

66
00:08:27.450 --> 00:08:28.890
I remember that.

67
00:08:29.390 --> 00:08:32.090
Yeah. So anyway, so because of that.

68
00:08:32.850 --> 00:08:40.850
That font. So I'm actually here at my brother and sister in law's house for the next two weeks. They graciously invited me to stay here.

69
00:08:41.450 --> 00:08:46.310
For two weeks, which is special to me because it's going to give me special time with them special time with my little nephew.

70
00:08:48.650 --> 00:08:57.190
And anyway, so that's what I'm going to do for the next two weeks instead of being Houston. But anyway, so finally, when I made those plans.

71
00:08:57.210 --> 00:09:04.290
Everything my spirit to settle down like okay apparently this is what I'm supposed to do so I I just I'm learning more and more about

72
00:09:04.290 --> 00:09:17.350
Because I'm actually having you because you actually have to walk it out again God's extended boundaries and the measure of how I'm operating rest. So I'm and I'm understanding more and more.

73
00:09:18.930 --> 00:09:32.450
By experientially that okay so this is what it's, it's like to just effortlessly flow with the Lord, including in travel plans and when you're trying to coordinate things with a whole bunch of other people. And so

74
00:09:32.450 --> 00:09:42.210
Then you've got the whole coven thing thrown in the mix. And the fact that I've got a little dog with me thrown in the mix. And so some people, you know, may not be interested in having somebody stay with them. Yes, a little dog.

75
00:09:44.090 --> 00:09:50.650
Um, so, and having to try to avoid states that that don't want Texans

76
00:09:53.850 --> 00:09:54.730
Flare up

77
00:09:55.790 --> 00:09:56.230
Whatever.

78
00:09:57.470 --> 00:09:59.970
But that kind of also narrows it. I mean, it can

79
00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:07.440
you can think of it as being more specifications, but that sort of also kind of helps you. Yeah,

80
00:10:07.540 --> 00:10:13.060
I was gonna say, so what's the overall time frame of like, are you traveling indefinitely or have

81
00:10:13.060 --> 00:10:19.720
has he said a month or is it like, yeah, indefinitely. Okay. And then yeah, that's

82
00:10:19.720 --> 00:10:23.620
awesome. And then when you're, has he given you vision for like what you're doing, traveling,

83
00:10:24.260 --> 00:10:32.800
what, what, what I'm doing, well, I'm learning to, um, abide in him and, and, um, and trust in him

84
00:10:32.800 --> 00:10:37.600
fully for my provision in my protection, obviously for my identity as well. But, you know,

85
00:10:39.380 --> 00:10:44.260
because I'm on the road, a single woman, little dog, you know, in the world's eyes,

86
00:10:44.260 --> 00:10:48.860
that can look scary. It can be wise. It could be whatever it is that they want to label it.

87
00:10:49.820 --> 00:10:54.660
And, um, and so just to just trust. And that's why I asked the Lord is that God, I think that this

88
00:10:54.660 --> 00:11:00.740
is what you want me to do. But, um, if it really is something that you're asking, could you give

89
00:11:00.740 --> 00:11:06.580
me a personal invitation? Because I would like something to look back on when my soul is in the

90
00:11:06.580 --> 00:11:11.960
middle of struggling when I'm somewhere and I'm, and my soul is struggling because I don't feel

91
00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:17.720
provided for, or I feel scared or whatever. I need, I, I would really like something to look

92
00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:24.880
on and remember for sure, kind of like an anchor that yes, I know for sure that you are the one

93
00:11:24.880 --> 00:11:35.700
who invited me to do this. We don't always have those very clear cut things like a dream. Um, uh,

94
00:11:35.700 --> 00:11:44.920
often, um, and, and we don't always have the, um, the, I don't know, such solid assurance

95
00:11:45.700 --> 00:11:51.380
that we can't deny in our spirit that God is telling us to do something that we can't deny it.

96
00:11:51.940 --> 00:11:57.360
So I was really grateful that this time the Lord chose to do that because there are other times

97
00:11:58.260 --> 00:12:05.120
where we think that the Lord has told us to do something. And we really do have to choose

98
00:12:05.260 --> 00:12:11.820
to trust that that really was the Lord. And we really were hearing him and we step out and act

99
00:12:11.820 --> 00:12:19.920
on it anyway. So we don't always have something that, that, um, that talks to our soul in the way

100
00:12:19.920 --> 00:12:27.220
that our soul wants that insurance. It's kind of like a security blanket, but, um, so, but this

101
00:12:27.220 --> 00:12:33.840
time, you know, I, I asked him for it and I, and it wasn't just the assurance. I told him, I was

102
00:12:33.840 --> 00:12:39.100
like, Lord, it would be really special for me. If you, as my lover would invite me to take this

103
00:12:39.220 --> 00:12:45.920
adventure with you. So for me, there was also this aspect of a relationship that I was asking him for

104
00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:51.060
of like, Lord, I would like to do this with you. And I would like to hear and feel your heart,

105
00:12:51.280 --> 00:12:59.560
you know, draw me towards you. Um, as so that it's not just something that I'm doing or that,

106
00:12:59.560 --> 00:13:06.960
you know, you're asking me to do. It's something it's a, it's an aspect of, of, of, uh, of intimacy.

107
00:13:07.740 --> 00:13:13.780
And I'd like to just kind of feel that, that draw for intimacy with you. So anyway,

108
00:13:13.780 --> 00:13:18.780
that was part of it. I think, uh, uh, uh, cause that's what I asked for. And I believe that

109
00:13:18.900 --> 00:13:24.240
might be part of the reason why he decided to give me a dream. Cause I don't, I didn't even

110
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:28.780
ask for a dream. I just asked for kind of like affirmation confirmation, but he gave it to me

111
00:13:29.700 --> 00:13:36.780
and, um, and I was just really excited, um, again, because it was like, uh, kind of like a man

112
00:13:36.780 --> 00:13:41.940
proposing or something. That's what it was like to me. It was like this, this invitation to take

113
00:13:41.940 --> 00:13:48.020
this adventure with him. And the point of it was the relationship aspect, like he, like he invited

114
00:13:48.020 --> 00:13:54.640
you in the dream. Like what are you saying? It was like that. Well, that's what I'd asked him for

115
00:13:54.640 --> 00:13:58.940
was when I asked him, I said, you know, as my lover, would you invite me to take this adventure

116
00:13:58.940 --> 00:14:04.420
with you? And I meant that I'm going to end like this, this, um, this, uh, draw of, uh,

117
00:14:04.620 --> 00:14:09.340
an invitation into relationship. And so the way that he ended up doing it was the dream,

118
00:14:09.400 --> 00:14:15.140
but it's what I asked for. And, uh, and so I knew when he met it, that that's what he was doing.

119
00:14:15.240 --> 00:14:20.240
He was meeting my request that he is my lover would invite me to take an adventure. And the

120
00:14:20.800 --> 00:14:26.080
intention when I asked him was in fact, I may even send that to him actually, you know, it's like,

121
00:14:26.340 --> 00:14:30.360
Lord, uh, you know, kind of like, like a man proposes to a woman. I said that type of an

122
00:14:30.840 --> 00:14:35.600
invitation, um, would you, would you do that? Um, in other words, to be, to be a part of you to,

123
00:14:36.500 --> 00:14:41.820
um, et cetera. So anyway, um, so in the dream, did he do that? Like what, what was the dream?

124
00:14:43.220 --> 00:14:48.060
Oh, I'm sorry. It must've been in a, in a Q and a that I haven't uploaded yet.

125
00:14:48.060 --> 00:14:54.980
Oh, no. Um, and I haven't gotten to all the Q and a's either, so there's no way. Yeah. Oh,

126
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:59.800
okay. Actually not the recent ones, even the recent ones. I bet you that that one, I haven't.

127
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:06.640
which is which I'm normally oh my word I normally so more much more Johnny on the

128
00:15:06.640 --> 00:15:11.000
spot but with everything that's been just up in the air and the emotional

129
00:15:11.000 --> 00:15:15.040
or spiritual shifting I'm going through there's a lot it feels like a lot of

130
00:15:15.040 --> 00:15:19.340
moving parts and I'm trying to let you go everything which is fine it's just

131
00:15:19.340 --> 00:15:25.640
part of the spiritual maturing process yeah so a lot of us are in like I'm

132
00:15:25.860 --> 00:15:32.180
like last night the reason why I couldn't I couldn't jump on the call is

133
00:15:32.340 --> 00:15:38.380
my best friend and her husband that had that had let me stay with him and you

134
00:15:38.380 --> 00:15:43.500
know for all it for almost a year now and then had it and then after we moved

135
00:15:43.500 --> 00:15:46.960
her parents but we moved me out of the garage apartment and our parents into

136
00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:50.440
the apartment I moved into their guest bedroom and have been there for three

137
00:15:50.440 --> 00:15:54.740
weeks so I was leaving last night my brother can't drive up there about an

138
00:15:54.940 --> 00:16:01.760
hour away from his house drove up there to pick me up okay and and it helps me

139
00:16:01.760 --> 00:16:07.940
pack the last of the things I have left and and they also were gonna have a

140
00:16:08.020 --> 00:16:12.120
special dinner for me that they made very special with all their family you

141
00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:15.480
know to tell me goodbye and all of that and you know because I've been there for

142
00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:19.200
almost a year and I've been there with their little boys for a year and then

143
00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:22.400
they were through all of these all these changes and all these milestones in

144
00:16:22.400 --> 00:16:26.720
their life so there was that and I because they'd asked me for that I'd

145
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:31.220
forgotten to change my calendar because my calendars don't always jive and I

146
00:16:31.220 --> 00:16:35.300
really have to make an effort to to to consciously make sure that they're

147
00:16:35.300 --> 00:16:39.320
always that I remember to make them think anyway so I'd already made all

148
00:16:39.660 --> 00:16:43.780
these obligations right and my brother came up and moved me and so we moved and we

149
00:16:43.780 --> 00:16:48.780
didn't get in here we didn't get here until like maybe 10 30 last night yeah

150
00:16:48.780 --> 00:16:56.360
we were still unpacking yeah so yeah so anyway it's just just a lot of a lot of

151
00:16:57.160 --> 00:17:02.340
things I'm doing and I'm trying to honor everybody's honor everybody's time and

152
00:17:02.340 --> 00:17:05.520
the commitments and whatever that I've made to everybody and that's so

153
00:17:05.520 --> 00:17:13.160
sometimes it feels like I'm not well and keeping all the balls in the air but

154
00:17:13.420 --> 00:17:17.980
what it just means is that it's given me an opportunity to remember that there is

155
00:17:17.980 --> 00:17:24.119
therefore now no shame or condemnation and you know people are still gonna love

156
00:17:24.119 --> 00:17:28.820
me anyway it's gonna be okay and then I just learned how to I just learned how

157
00:17:28.820 --> 00:17:36.100
to navigate the new season and it can feel very bumpy along the way so the

158
00:17:36.100 --> 00:17:40.240
reason I'm sharing all of this with you is to let you know you know it's we're

159
00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:47.960
all on this journey together we're all figuring it out and God's all you know

160
00:17:47.960 --> 00:17:55.320
hadn't gotten uploaded in the from the Q&A yet at the dream was I it was okay

161
00:17:55.320 --> 00:17:59.960
so this was interesting so for about two weeks God had put it on my heart to

162
00:17:59.960 --> 00:18:05.180
start traveling but I didn't know that that was him until and for about two

163
00:18:05.180 --> 00:18:08.200
weeks and all of a sudden that the desire in me started changing and I

164
00:18:08.200 --> 00:18:12.980
thought wait a minute that type of the desire feels like God it no longer feels

165
00:18:12.980 --> 00:18:17.680
like only something I want to do there's a there's a like this solid

166
00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:22.360
assurance in it you've probably felt this with your business you know where

167
00:18:22.360 --> 00:18:26.080
or you get this idea and then all sudden something in you changes and you're like

168
00:18:26.080 --> 00:18:30.340
wait a minute I think that the Lord has a hand on it you know and there's

169
00:18:30.340 --> 00:18:34.400
there's more substance to it you know what I'm saying anyway so it started

170
00:18:34.400 --> 00:18:37.880
changing like that after two weeks and that's when I asked the Lord Lord I

171
00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:42.960
think this is from you if so could you affirm it to me two nights later so in

172
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:46.680
I've been wanting this for two weeks but two nights after I asked him for

173
00:18:48.220 --> 00:18:53.780
confirmation he came to me in the dream and I was on an atlas and there was like

174
00:18:53.780 --> 00:19:00.480
this big old map atlas and and I was standing on the state of Texas and God

175
00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:04.440
was walking from the state of Texas across the southern United States

176
00:19:04.440 --> 00:19:08.960
towards Florida and he turned back and looked at me and gestured and he said

177
00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:15.520
you want to come with me and I jolted awake I was like that was it that was

178
00:19:15.760 --> 00:19:22.260
the invitation I asked for so that was the dream yeah that's amazing wow I love

179
00:19:22.260 --> 00:19:29.960
that I love that yeah so anyway enough about me oh what how are you doing how

180
00:19:29.960 --> 00:19:33.700
are things going I've enjoyed our Marco Polo's back and forth this past week

181
00:19:33.700 --> 00:19:43.980
me too me too um yeah it's it's good there's so much you know so much going

182
00:19:43.980 --> 00:19:51.160
on but also you know focusing on on this this invitation the gift of you know a

183
00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:59.620
season to to press in and to learn and rest and to yeah just go deeper you know

184
00:19:59.620 --> 00:19:59.980
deeper with the Lord

185
00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.940
or just really all that we've talked about,

186
00:20:04.180 --> 00:20:06.800
you know, we're shifting into just another,

187
00:20:07.080 --> 00:20:08.580
a whole other level of faith and trust

188
00:20:08.580 --> 00:20:10.640
in kind of every single area of life.

189
00:20:12.580 --> 00:20:15.140
But meanwhile, he's still, you know, within that,

190
00:20:16.020 --> 00:20:21.040
it's like, he's still speaking about, you know,

191
00:20:21.040 --> 00:20:22.960
various things like he doesn't want me to,

192
00:20:23.100 --> 00:20:27.700
like he's saying, it doesn't mean you completely stop this

193
00:20:27.700 --> 00:20:29.740
or it doesn't mean you isolate here

194
00:20:29.740 --> 00:20:32.220
or you still need, and these women still need,

195
00:20:32.540 --> 00:20:33.960
you know, and just speaking to me about

196
00:20:34.500 --> 00:20:37.700
what it does look like in that reset,

197
00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:39.860
because he said, like, it's a rest and reset.

198
00:20:40.220 --> 00:20:42.500
And so a lot of the things that we were heading toward,

199
00:20:43.460 --> 00:20:45.480
you know, I think in some ways it can feel

200
00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:48.160
like almost a punishment when you kind of hit this,

201
00:20:48.200 --> 00:20:51.600
like, well, some course correction and some like,

202
00:20:52.220 --> 00:20:55.220
you know, for me, like I mentioned to you that there was,

203
00:20:55.220 --> 00:20:58.620
I had a potential partner in my coaching business

204
00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:00.840
and I considered her a close friend

205
00:21:00.840 --> 00:21:06.380
and that the way that that unfolded and what happened there,

206
00:21:06.440 --> 00:21:10.380
like I had pushed myself to sort of make up for the changes

207
00:21:10.380 --> 00:21:12.640
like that kept happening,

208
00:21:12.640 --> 00:21:15.240
but weren't being really spoken out by her.

209
00:21:15.300 --> 00:21:17.040
It was kind of like, I was like feeling

210
00:21:17.040 --> 00:21:19.020
and noticing these changes and my business coach,

211
00:21:19.180 --> 00:21:20.980
you know, James was noticing these things,

212
00:21:21.160 --> 00:21:23.860
but then it was like, no, no, no, but it's fine, it's fine.

213
00:21:23.860 --> 00:21:26.500
Or like, oh, yeah, I can only, you know,

214
00:21:26.500 --> 00:21:28.640
do these very specific hours coaching,

215
00:21:28.780 --> 00:21:32.300
which actually completely conflicted with what I could do.

216
00:21:32.340 --> 00:21:36.960
It was kind of like a, it was like last minute stuff

217
00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:40.080
where like, we're about to go into, you know,

218
00:21:41.260 --> 00:21:43.120
not pre-launch, but actually, you know,

219
00:21:43.300 --> 00:21:46.340
actually doing this and you're saying, you know,

220
00:21:46.340 --> 00:21:49.440
a week before as all these different projects

221
00:21:49.460 --> 00:21:51.720
are wrapping up and there's just a lot of project management

222
00:21:51.720 --> 00:21:54.620
to get, you know, just get things in order.

223
00:21:54.700 --> 00:21:56.340
And a lot of things we were doing with James,

224
00:21:56.400 --> 00:22:00.060
like you're saying that you can only coach these times

225
00:22:00.280 --> 00:22:02.760
and it would literally not even like work

226
00:22:02.760 --> 00:22:05.760
with the time and availability that I have with,

227
00:22:05.840 --> 00:22:10.680
you know, my children and it's not, it's just not,

228
00:22:10.680 --> 00:22:12.820
it's not even feasible, but it's fine, it's fine.

229
00:22:12.820 --> 00:22:14.320
You know, like, and so,

230
00:22:14.520 --> 00:22:16.380
but there was like a lot more to that, you know,

231
00:22:16.380 --> 00:22:19.840
that's just an example of how I was trying

232
00:22:19.840 --> 00:22:21.760
to navigate something that was very,

233
00:22:22.440 --> 00:22:23.620
like I was trying to be understanding

234
00:22:23.760 --> 00:22:27.140
and very like accommodating, but in doing so, you know,

235
00:22:27.140 --> 00:22:28.040
and then with my own patterns,

236
00:22:28.040 --> 00:22:30.840
like I was showing me of like the taking on so much

237
00:22:30.900 --> 00:22:34.660
and striving and some of those like codependency,

238
00:22:35.160 --> 00:22:37.220
like old, you know, default things

239
00:22:37.220 --> 00:22:40.640
where I was allowing myself to be treated a certain way

240
00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:44.240
and to be like, to take on and take on and take on more

241
00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:46.840
to make up for, oh yeah, I know she has three little ones

242
00:22:46.840 --> 00:22:48.800
and her kids are with her full time and it's COVID.

243
00:22:48.800 --> 00:22:52.040
And so, you know, I'll just do this more thing over here

244
00:22:52.040 --> 00:22:53.700
and I'll just, I'll take this on for us

245
00:22:53.700 --> 00:22:55.900
and, you know, take that off for her shoulders too.

246
00:22:55.960 --> 00:22:57.680
And so I was just piling more on myself.

247
00:22:58.380 --> 00:23:00.500
And then all the while there were like the breakdowns

248
00:23:00.760 --> 00:23:02.560
in whatever was going on with her

249
00:23:02.560 --> 00:23:07.000
and whatever was going on with ultimately, you know,

250
00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:08.820
unexpectedly with that relationship ending

251
00:23:08.820 --> 00:23:13.480
and her choosing to completely pull out of not just,

252
00:23:13.700 --> 00:23:15.700
you know, the business potential, but everything

253
00:23:15.700 --> 00:23:20.040
and specifically wrote to all of my,

254
00:23:20.780 --> 00:23:21.760
every woman in my organization

255
00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:25.720
and basically slandered me and told them that she,

256
00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:27.700
you know, was like basically cursing my ministry

257
00:23:27.700 --> 00:23:29.740
under the guise of, you know,

258
00:23:30.920 --> 00:23:33.840
I'm wise and I'm a prophet and kind of thing.

259
00:23:35.160 --> 00:23:39.320
And so that was like the disillusionment that came with that

260
00:23:39.320 --> 00:23:40.800
because I had been running so hard

261
00:23:40.800 --> 00:23:42.800
and then the Lord was like, and it felt,

262
00:23:42.860 --> 00:23:43.940
it was spiritual attack too,

263
00:23:43.940 --> 00:23:46.080
in the sense that, you know,

264
00:23:46.080 --> 00:23:48.380
these things were happening where like,

265
00:23:49.320 --> 00:23:50.420
how to explain this?

266
00:23:50.520 --> 00:23:52.460
Like where I'm then responsible for,

267
00:23:53.240 --> 00:23:57.340
I feel, you know, just genuinely a responsibility for like,

268
00:23:57.340 --> 00:23:58.480
these are my people, you know,

269
00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:00.580
these are like my closest women.

270
00:24:00.680 --> 00:24:03.440
And there's, you know, now 50, 60 women who are,

271
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:05.960
not only am I trying to recover from this,

272
00:24:05.960 --> 00:24:09.600
this sort of unexpected thing and this really harsh reaction

273
00:24:09.600 --> 00:24:12.360
and now like what feels like a betrayal,

274
00:24:12.360 --> 00:24:13.720
even though of course, you know,

275
00:24:13.720 --> 00:24:16.020
I bless her and pray for her and all that.

276
00:24:16.300 --> 00:24:18.960
And then the loss of that potential, you know,

277
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:20.100
partner and person in this,

278
00:24:20.340 --> 00:24:22.360
but then all these women are getting these messages

279
00:24:22.360 --> 00:24:24.280
and they're being, you know,

280
00:24:24.500 --> 00:24:26.460
basically brought into something

281
00:24:26.940 --> 00:24:29.820
and said, this is like the biblical way to deal with it.

282
00:24:29.960 --> 00:24:32.060
When, you know, when you really love somebody,

283
00:24:33.320 --> 00:24:36.960
you don't like admonish them or correct them

284
00:24:37.260 --> 00:24:40.840
behind their back and in harsh and cruel ways,

285
00:24:40.840 --> 00:24:42.160
like you go to them and love.

286
00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:44.920
And so it was very confusing for everyone,

287
00:24:45.160 --> 00:24:48.220
but then I had those personal relationships

288
00:24:48.220 --> 00:24:48.960
with each woman.

289
00:24:49.140 --> 00:24:52.140
So there was like an extra weight of, you know,

290
00:24:52.180 --> 00:24:55.280
now not only am I trying to understand what just happened

291
00:24:55.540 --> 00:24:58.000
and kind of how did I not see this

292
00:24:58.000 --> 00:24:59.980
and what is happening and what she's saying.

293
00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:01.300
about me, is there truth to that?

294
00:25:01.320 --> 00:25:03.820
Like, I want to be open more to whatever, you know,

295
00:25:03.820 --> 00:25:06.500
and just certain things that he was showing me,

296
00:25:06.920 --> 00:25:08.860
but it didn't mean that what she was saying

297
00:25:08.860 --> 00:25:11.660
or how she did it was okay, or that that was true.

298
00:25:11.660 --> 00:25:12.900
Even if he was telling me, yes,

299
00:25:12.900 --> 00:25:14.300
this is an opportunity to slow down,

300
00:25:14.300 --> 00:25:15.900
or you need more healing,

301
00:25:16.200 --> 00:25:20.440
it didn't make what she was saying true.

302
00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:22.820
It didn't mean that, well, you know,

303
00:25:22.820 --> 00:25:24.980
like I told you about kind of drawing these connections

304
00:25:24.980 --> 00:25:26.480
where I found myself going, well, then,

305
00:25:27.120 --> 00:25:29.820
if that's true with all these like shame kind of thoughts

306
00:25:29.820 --> 00:25:31.900
and things really surfacing with shame,

307
00:25:32.120 --> 00:25:33.580
well, then, does that mean that what she did,

308
00:25:33.860 --> 00:25:35.360
I deserved it, and was that okay?

309
00:25:35.480 --> 00:25:36.640
Maybe she was right about me,

310
00:25:36.640 --> 00:25:38.080
and, you know, all these different things

311
00:25:38.360 --> 00:25:39.860
were coming up at the same time,

312
00:25:39.880 --> 00:25:41.400
but all in all, it was exhausting.

313
00:25:41.560 --> 00:25:43.180
The point is that it was exhausting

314
00:25:43.800 --> 00:25:45.460
with the push that I was making

315
00:25:45.460 --> 00:25:47.400
to get things off the ground with us,

316
00:25:48.180 --> 00:25:49.880
all the slack that I was picking up

317
00:25:49.880 --> 00:25:52.320
and taking on myself, trying to do the right thing,

318
00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:54.900
you know, trying to be understanding and helpful

319
00:25:55.560 --> 00:25:58.760
and carry, you know, more than I should have

320
00:25:58.760 --> 00:26:00.300
because I thought she was gonna come around

321
00:26:00.300 --> 00:26:02.200
and I was giving her a little bit of a boost

322
00:26:02.200 --> 00:26:04.580
through her situation and COVID and all that,

323
00:26:04.660 --> 00:26:08.780
and then the hit of this unexpected, really hurtful thing

324
00:26:08.820 --> 00:26:11.040
and the way it affected the organization

325
00:26:11.060 --> 00:26:12.880
and all these women that then I had

326
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:15.420
one-on-one people reaching out.

327
00:26:15.480 --> 00:26:17.140
I mean, it was beautiful in the sense

328
00:26:17.540 --> 00:26:19.020
that they were discerning

329
00:26:19.020 --> 00:26:20.420
without even knowing what was going on.

330
00:26:20.440 --> 00:26:22.660
Like I had women having dreams for me.

331
00:26:22.760 --> 00:26:24.860
I had women like reaching out and going, are you okay?

332
00:26:24.940 --> 00:26:27.060
Like I sensed, I just, are you doing all right?

333
00:26:27.060 --> 00:26:29.720
Like that didn't normally, you know, do that,

334
00:26:29.900 --> 00:26:31.720
that we would talk, but we wouldn't necessarily

335
00:26:31.720 --> 00:26:34.080
one-on-one message and things like that.

336
00:26:34.140 --> 00:26:37.620
Even those women were just like coming out of the woodwork

337
00:26:37.820 --> 00:26:40.620
and God was just putting it on their heart, I guess.

338
00:26:41.060 --> 00:26:43.960
And so there was a whole lot of beauty that came out of it

339
00:26:43.960 --> 00:26:45.500
in terms of seeing these women rise up

340
00:26:45.500 --> 00:26:47.280
and seeing them discern for themselves,

341
00:26:47.980 --> 00:26:50.860
see them actually say, no, this is like,

342
00:26:50.920 --> 00:26:52.500
this is not going to bring this unity.

343
00:26:52.620 --> 00:26:56.000
This is not, we're not gonna allow this to stand,

344
00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:58.700
staying by each other and staying by me

345
00:26:58.700 --> 00:27:00.420
and not allowing that dissension.

346
00:27:00.940 --> 00:27:03.400
And just really fighting for me when I was like,

347
00:27:03.460 --> 00:27:04.800
I felt like I literally, girl,

348
00:27:04.840 --> 00:27:07.280
I felt like I had been hit by a train.

349
00:27:07.440 --> 00:27:09.480
Like I never, I've gone through hard things,

350
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:14.080
but I haven't ever described it with the word

351
00:27:14.200 --> 00:27:15.920
feeling disoriented or disillusioned.

352
00:27:15.980 --> 00:27:19.080
Like I felt so, there was a component of like,

353
00:27:19.080 --> 00:27:21.660
I was having some of those nights,

354
00:27:21.660 --> 00:27:24.300
like the one where she had like befriended me

355
00:27:24.300 --> 00:27:26.040
and left the group and was sending all these messages

356
00:27:26.040 --> 00:27:27.920
and everything, like I got searing ear pain

357
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:31.280
and the ear pain came back, like went away,

358
00:27:31.640 --> 00:27:34.200
went to my chiropractor, prayed through all of that.

359
00:27:34.360 --> 00:27:37.480
And then the ear pain came back in the same ear,

360
00:27:37.560 --> 00:27:40.060
the exact same ear pain a week later

361
00:27:40.060 --> 00:27:42.060
and went to the day she sent another round

362
00:27:42.060 --> 00:27:43.020
of slanderous messages.

363
00:27:43.280 --> 00:27:45.980
And it was like, even just the physical, like I felt it,

364
00:27:45.980 --> 00:27:46.340
you know what I mean?

365
00:27:46.340 --> 00:27:49.420
I felt it, I didn't wanna feel it, I didn't know,

366
00:27:50.100 --> 00:27:55.460
but I knew just, even though I'm newer to some of like

367
00:27:55.460 --> 00:27:58.060
that feeling, sensing, like in the spirit stuff,

368
00:27:58.680 --> 00:28:03.600
I knew that it was, it wasn't like not connected,

369
00:28:03.980 --> 00:28:06.600
not that I felt like good about, you know,

370
00:28:06.860 --> 00:28:09.620
the fact that I was feeling some physical like

371
00:28:09.620 --> 00:28:12.820
manifestations and the exhaustion and just the mental

372
00:28:12.820 --> 00:28:15.940
kind of spiritual disillusionment of discouragement,

373
00:28:16.200 --> 00:28:19.020
you know, like what is happening and what did I do wrong?

374
00:28:19.020 --> 00:28:22.160
And, you know, what does this mean for what's next?

375
00:28:22.220 --> 00:28:24.560
And just ultimately going, I can't go on,

376
00:28:24.700 --> 00:28:27.460
like I can't just pick up and move on.

377
00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:28.880
And that's where I met you, you know,

378
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:32.220
that's when the timing of when I reached out to you

379
00:28:32.220 --> 00:28:33.920
because the Lord had been speaking that whole weekend

380
00:28:33.940 --> 00:28:36.260
about rest and was like, rest, rest, rest,

381
00:28:36.260 --> 00:28:39.300
like he was just speaking in various ways about that scene.

382
00:28:39.880 --> 00:28:42.120
And I was realizing I can't just pick up

383
00:28:42.120 --> 00:28:43.080
and just move forward.

384
00:28:43.100 --> 00:28:45.120
Like James, I can't just, yeah,

385
00:28:45.120 --> 00:28:46.580
I'm not gonna let it get me down

386
00:28:46.580 --> 00:28:50.460
as in I'm not gonna give up on this call and my purpose,

387
00:28:52.120 --> 00:28:53.900
but I don't know what just happened.

388
00:28:54.060 --> 00:28:57.820
And I can't just like kind of dust off, you know,

389
00:28:57.820 --> 00:29:00.080
dust it off this time and just keep going.

390
00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:03.280
It was like, it was, I don't know how to explain it.

391
00:29:03.340 --> 00:29:06.640
It was just too obvious that there needed to be a reset,

392
00:29:06.760 --> 00:29:10.880
that there needed to be a restoration like time

393
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:13.260
and that the Lord was gonna speak to what was next.

394
00:29:13.260 --> 00:29:15.440
Cause clearly I didn't try to start this.

395
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:18.180
I didn't, this has been what he's put on my heart.

396
00:29:18.360 --> 00:29:19.960
It wasn't something I like set out to do.

397
00:29:20.040 --> 00:29:21.660
And when I had done that in the past

398
00:29:21.980 --> 00:29:24.440
and it wasn't time and it didn't go,

399
00:29:24.920 --> 00:29:26.440
it didn't really take off and whatever,

400
00:29:26.520 --> 00:29:27.740
I had really laid it down.

401
00:29:27.880 --> 00:29:31.920
And so I thought like, this is probably like a few years out.

402
00:29:32.180 --> 00:29:33.380
And when he said in the fall,

403
00:29:33.500 --> 00:29:35.560
he said, gather the women that I send you

404
00:29:35.560 --> 00:29:36.460
and I'm gonna do the rest.

405
00:29:36.980 --> 00:29:39.180
And so I was like, what, like now?

406
00:29:40.080 --> 00:29:43.020
Cause like, I thought we were talking like a few more years

407
00:29:43.020 --> 00:29:46.560
because I had been so surrendered at that point

408
00:29:46.560 --> 00:29:47.320
with all of that.

409
00:29:47.820 --> 00:29:49.640
Just not that I ever lost the desires,

410
00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:51.880
but just that I felt like, man,

411
00:29:51.880 --> 00:29:54.260
I was just laid out from everything with my divorce.

412
00:29:54.340 --> 00:29:57.060
And I knew that I needed to be at a good place.

413
00:29:57.260 --> 00:29:59.620
And so I'm like, surely you don't mean right now.

414
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.240
But, um, but it was really from him.

415
00:30:02.340 --> 00:30:06.020
It wasn't something that I was, you know, not that there was perfection in like,

416
00:30:06.020 --> 00:30:11.400
obviously I need to work through whatever was striving and, and a new, a new way,

417
00:30:12.140 --> 00:30:16.640
but it didn't mean that just because he was bringing me into this, this new,

418
00:30:18.700 --> 00:30:23.400
um, Paradigm and bringing me freedom that he had promised me, you know, and

419
00:30:23.400 --> 00:30:25.740
he's brought me other lots of healing and freedom, so it's not like just

420
00:30:26.340 --> 00:30:32.180
this happened that that means this, or that means I like, um, didn't hear him,

421
00:30:32.220 --> 00:30:32.360
right.

422
00:30:32.360 --> 00:30:35.000
Or that means that I went ahead of him.

423
00:30:35.000 --> 00:30:37.740
Or that means like, you know, when we try to make meaning of stuff, like, well,

424
00:30:37.820 --> 00:30:39.340
maybe this is happening.

425
00:30:39.440 --> 00:30:43.580
That's that therefore means that I shouldn't be doing this or I'm on the wrong.

426
00:30:43.580 --> 00:30:44.680
I'm not on the right track.

427
00:30:45.580 --> 00:30:46.980
Um, fast, fast forward.

428
00:30:47.040 --> 00:30:51.740
A lot of what he's been speaking in this, you know, five weeks or so, um,

429
00:30:53.780 --> 00:30:59.060
is, you know, that, that yes, it's truly is a rest and reset and that it's a gift

430
00:30:59.060 --> 00:31:02.560
and not a punishment, even though it felt like a punishment in person, especially

431
00:31:02.560 --> 00:31:05.680
as I questioned myself so much, like, what did I do wrong?

432
00:31:05.760 --> 00:31:06.540
How did I miss this?

433
00:31:06.600 --> 00:31:10.320
How could I have let this happen to my, you know, my women, like, imagine if,

434
00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:14.780
you know, you quadrupled the size of your, your current group, and then this

435
00:31:14.780 --> 00:31:18.600
happens, someone came in and, you know, you let them close to your people and

436
00:31:18.600 --> 00:31:21.240
yourself and, you know, and then that kind of all just fell apart.

437
00:31:21.240 --> 00:31:30.100
So shockingly, it was like, you know, just very, yeah, just very like shocking.

438
00:31:30.320 --> 00:31:37.220
But at the same time, it was, he also used that, he used that shock to, you

439
00:31:37.220 --> 00:31:42.160
know, sometimes it's a jolt awake and it is like a, it's not a punishment, but

440
00:31:42.160 --> 00:31:43.760
it's, you know, it's an opportunity or a gift.

441
00:31:43.820 --> 00:31:46.460
And so that's kind of what he's just been revealing is that this doesn't

442
00:31:46.460 --> 00:31:48.780
mean that you did something wrong.

443
00:31:48.780 --> 00:31:52.960
It doesn't mean that, you know, just because you're seeing now where you have

444
00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:58.520
been thinking wrong or going about things in a faulty way, doesn't mean that it

445
00:31:58.520 --> 00:32:02.220
hasn't been from your heart or that this isn't still my heart for you or that I'm

446
00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:06.900
not behind this and still like loving these women.

447
00:32:07.020 --> 00:32:07.700
Does that make sense?

448
00:32:09.340 --> 00:32:13.020
Like, I've been curious, what's the timeframe of all of this?

449
00:32:13.020 --> 00:32:14.300
You said something about the fall.

450
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:17.820
So it's the fall when you started and then when did, and then how long have

451
00:32:18.020 --> 00:32:19.940
you been planning with the, with the business partner?

452
00:32:20.080 --> 00:32:22.260
And then when did things start falling out with business partner?

453
00:32:22.300 --> 00:32:22.980
I've just been curious.

454
00:32:23.080 --> 00:32:24.460
I always like time.

455
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:25.840
So that always kind of helps me.

456
00:32:27.440 --> 00:32:28.520
So I could do that.

457
00:32:28.860 --> 00:32:33.500
Um, so yeah, it was in the fall, which was like a huge, a huge growth kind of

458
00:32:33.760 --> 00:32:35.520
shift, a huge shift.

459
00:32:35.540 --> 00:32:38.660
I'm like, do I, like, you know, you mix your words.

460
00:32:39.680 --> 00:32:44.420
Um, so it was, it was in the fall, which was also, um, the time that he led me

461
00:32:44.420 --> 00:32:48.820
from having, you know, called me away from religion, like religious churches

462
00:32:48.820 --> 00:32:52.700
and said, you know, take us like completely just kind of walk away and

463
00:32:52.700 --> 00:32:54.180
trust me to lead you to a community.

464
00:32:54.500 --> 00:32:57.460
So at the very same time that I found this online community, it was a

465
00:32:58.760 --> 00:33:01.100
prophetic, um, mentorship kind of family through the Johnstons.

466
00:33:01.260 --> 00:33:04.580
I don't know if you know them, they're Australian, but, um, amazing people.

467
00:33:05.100 --> 00:33:09.100
Well, same time as I found them and I didn't have anyone like, as in, I had

468
00:33:09.200 --> 00:33:12.380
just decided like with the Lord, like I'm going to be completely single.

469
00:33:13.040 --> 00:33:17.220
Um, I have no family here, you know, I'm single mom to two girls and our

470
00:33:17.220 --> 00:33:19.860
situation is quite complex and I literally don't have family.

471
00:33:19.940 --> 00:33:21.500
And so I had no church family or no family.

472
00:33:21.540 --> 00:33:25.240
And he brought me to this mentorship group online at the same time, he

473
00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:26.460
introduced me to a local house church.

474
00:33:26.620 --> 00:33:28.600
And so that was in September.

475
00:33:29.240 --> 00:33:32.900
Um, and then by yeah, by October is when he said, you know, gather the women.

476
00:33:33.060 --> 00:33:37.460
And so October, you know, um, just began personal conversations.

477
00:33:37.460 --> 00:33:40.980
I like praying, I would pray and more to highlight somebody.

478
00:33:40.980 --> 00:33:41.520
Somebody.

479
00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:45.640
And then I asked her, you know, when I, I felt led to like, ask her to pray

480
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:47.620
on it and kind of share the vision.

481
00:33:48.980 --> 00:33:52.460
Um, and it was just a miraculous things where it's just like person after

482
00:33:52.460 --> 00:33:57.140
person that, that, you know, would have her own version of the story, but it

483
00:33:57.140 --> 00:33:58.860
would be like, oh my goodness, that's wild.

484
00:33:58.860 --> 00:34:02.960
Cause this has been the dream he's put in my heart or like Isaiah 61, three

485
00:34:02.960 --> 00:34:06.240
is like my light verse, or I was just reading that yesterday, or I haven't

486
00:34:06.240 --> 00:34:08.440
been able to stop reading that chapter for like the past month.

487
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:12.500
And I, you know, now I know why, like just so much in the way of connecting

488
00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:14.380
over, over the vision and the calling.

489
00:34:14.460 --> 00:34:17.500
And so it was like, you know, a lot of just letting that happen.

490
00:34:17.500 --> 00:34:20.780
Like the whole thing was like, this is going to be spirit led and I'm not pushing.

491
00:34:20.800 --> 00:34:26.219
I'm not trying to push something, but I'm also, I'm not going to hang

492
00:34:26.219 --> 00:34:27.600
back in the shadows anymore either.

493
00:34:27.600 --> 00:34:29.360
Like, I'm going to just do what he tells me to do.

494
00:34:29.420 --> 00:34:33.760
And so, yeah, so it was October, November, December holidays and all of that.

495
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:41.520
Then January, February is when it was like kind of a, that was one of those

496
00:34:41.520 --> 00:34:46.260
periods where he said like, just don't 2020 hit and it was like, don't,

497
00:34:46.480 --> 00:34:47.840
don't be on social media so much.

498
00:34:48.360 --> 00:34:51.940
Don't, don't, he was like not letting me necessarily push things forward,

499
00:34:51.940 --> 00:34:54.659
but he was just letting it sit, you know, just kind of letting it simmer.

500
00:34:55.179 --> 00:34:57.080
Um, so we were still, we were still together.

501
00:34:57.139 --> 00:34:59.120
It was just not as much activity.

502
00:34:59.420 --> 00:34:59.860
Um,

503
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:05.560
and things in our groups and lives and different things. But just more of like we were all supposed

504
00:35:05.560 --> 00:35:12.080
to seek him in a secret place, you know, primarily. And then came, was it February?

505
00:35:14.300 --> 00:35:19.420
February, I think is when, her name's Cynthia, is when we had been, you know, in conversation

506
00:35:20.080 --> 00:35:26.640
throughout this over Messenger, because she was in Canada. But we had been in conversation and

507
00:35:26.640 --> 00:35:31.340
getting to know each other over those months or whatever. And it just was like some different,

508
00:35:31.780 --> 00:35:36.820
specific things about our visions were coming out and the life coaching that she had done and just,

509
00:35:36.840 --> 00:35:42.080
you know, what she felt like I was putting on her heart. And it seemed like, okay, let's pray

510
00:35:42.080 --> 00:35:46.700
about whether this is aligning for more of a partnership than just like being sisters. And

511
00:35:46.700 --> 00:35:51.340
so that's when we began that discussion. And then I brought James, like he and I had been talking

512
00:35:51.340 --> 00:35:57.160
and he, you know, I was slow to engage with him because I, you know, I wasn't looking for a

513
00:35:57.160 --> 00:36:01.920
business. I wasn't looking for, even though I had already said a couple years ago, it was basically

514
00:36:02.000 --> 00:36:08.300
the collective I knew, coaching. And then there was a shock component, like of highlighting

515
00:36:09.240 --> 00:36:14.140
female artists and creatives and eventually wanting to support women in various countries who

516
00:36:14.140 --> 00:36:21.760
do their own art or, you know, make their own products. And so being able to support trafficking

517
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:26.980
and various women coming out of different abuse and things like that. So I knew those three

518
00:36:26.980 --> 00:36:31.340
components, but I wasn't, when God said, you know, gather the women I'm sending you, I was just

519
00:36:31.340 --> 00:36:38.400
thinking collective. And so that was not, coaching was not on my primary, like I was working full

520
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:45.180
time, supporting people in, you know, through trauma, grief, various mental health and emotional

521
00:36:45.180 --> 00:36:50.520
health kind of issues and, you know, spiritual too. And that was through something called the

522
00:36:50.520 --> 00:36:58.220
warm line, which is like a support line. That's not a crisis line, but a place to talk and really

523
00:36:58.220 --> 00:37:05.020
just find support, you know, people to advocate with and for you to kind of figure out your next

524
00:37:05.020 --> 00:37:09.980
for wellness and all of that. So I was helping people in that capacity. And then it was like

525
00:37:10.240 --> 00:37:16.380
that job ended and God told me it was going to happen. And he warned me, which I love that

526
00:37:16.380 --> 00:37:21.180
there's times he gives either like warning dreams or some kind of vision. And so I knew I had,

527
00:37:21.280 --> 00:37:24.280
was able to have like supernatural peace in that, even though it was, again, one of those

528
00:37:24.280 --> 00:37:27.920
situations that was like, Oh, I thought this was going to be a thing. And I thought this person

529
00:37:27.940 --> 00:37:33.180
was my friend, you know, and just a lot of stuff, you know, that you're like, and you're like, how

530
00:37:33.180 --> 00:37:36.700
do I keep ending up in these relationships? Like, is there something wrong with me is, you know,

531
00:37:36.700 --> 00:37:39.760
the shame question, right? Is there something wrong with me that I keep trusting people?

532
00:37:40.020 --> 00:37:45.040
And I mean, in a sense, there is a lack of discernment and he's, you know, bringing greater

533
00:37:45.160 --> 00:37:50.820
discernment to who I trust and who I let in. And that has been a theme coming from the home I grew

534
00:37:50.820 --> 00:37:54.920
up in and so much, just so much abuse and codependency that just was kind of always there.

535
00:37:55.340 --> 00:38:03.160
And I can see that pattern. I can see him growing each time in seeing, you know, with those

536
00:38:03.160 --> 00:38:09.720
eyes before I let somebody so close, but it happens. It just, sometimes, sometimes it happens.

537
00:38:11.820 --> 00:38:17.200
And you really, you know, are giving someone the benefit of the doubt and, and just trying to love

538
00:38:17.200 --> 00:38:22.380
them and not make any assumptions. And sometimes it still happens that relationship, you know,

539
00:38:22.580 --> 00:38:26.760
that they're not ultimately for you or that they don't, you know, a person doesn't end up being

540
00:38:26.760 --> 00:38:31.720
somebody that's safe to have close to you. And so that kind of, you know, showed up in the job

541
00:38:31.720 --> 00:38:37.340
ending too. And, but he had given me that vision and said, basically a few months prior, he said,

542
00:38:38.100 --> 00:38:43.960
while I was listening to my mentor, like on a live, he was talking about taking huge steps of

543
00:38:43.960 --> 00:38:48.020
faith. He was like, you know, he was like, you're going to step out, like before you even see the

544
00:38:48.020 --> 00:38:53.720
stone appear in front of you, like that kind of like leap of faith after, after a leap of faith.

545
00:38:53.980 --> 00:38:59.900
Like, and, and so during this topic, as I'm listening on a break from work, the Lord said,

546
00:39:00.720 --> 00:39:05.560
like, I'm moving you into greater things. And I was like, okay, like I finally have,

547
00:39:05.960 --> 00:39:08.900
you know, as a single mom, I finally have a full-time job. I can like support my family.

548
00:39:08.900 --> 00:39:13.860
And that's, that was hard to come by and figure out with our unique situation, my children's needs

549
00:39:14.340 --> 00:39:19.460
and everything that we're going through with intention, intense court battles and different

550
00:39:19.460 --> 00:39:25.580
things that were taking me away from, you know, work and being able to commit to that. And I was

551
00:39:25.580 --> 00:39:29.700
like, what do you mean, you know, okay. And then I remember walking up the stairs, listening back to

552
00:39:29.700 --> 00:39:35.000
my office and well, prior to that, I looked over on the big window in this attorney's office,

553
00:39:35.260 --> 00:39:40.340
huge window. And it said in huge giant letters, the last name of the guy, my mentor, the exact

554
00:39:40.340 --> 00:39:46.820
last name and the same spelling. And it was like, okay. And then he basically said, yeah, you're,

555
00:39:46.840 --> 00:39:50.500
you're not going to be here as long as you thought you were. As I opened the door to my office,

556
00:39:50.600 --> 00:39:54.700
he was like, you're not going to be here as long as you thought. And he said, he had greater things.

557
00:39:54.720 --> 00:39:59.060
And when I opened the door to the office, I literally, everything looked different. Like

558
00:39:59.060 --> 00:39:59.980
the entire office.

559
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.260
this, like all the cubicles look smaller, the doorways look smaller.

560
00:40:04.260 --> 00:40:05.700
Like everything just looked different.

561
00:40:05.700 --> 00:40:08.060
And I just knew in my spirit, like he was saying that.

562
00:40:08.260 --> 00:40:10.160
So fast forward, that job ended.

563
00:40:10.700 --> 00:40:14.800
And what that meant was what was the collective, which has just

564
00:40:14.800 --> 00:40:18.340
always been the ministry piece, the nonprofit, the, the sisterhood,

565
00:40:18.360 --> 00:40:21.420
you know, um, vision for creative women for the kingdom.

566
00:40:21.420 --> 00:40:26.700
It was like, Now, now it's like, well, maybe it is time to do some

567
00:40:26.700 --> 00:40:29.680
coaching because that makes so much sense alongside this, you know?

568
00:40:29.680 --> 00:40:33.640
And women need discipled and want this.

569
00:40:33.780 --> 00:40:34.960
And it makes a lot of sense.

570
00:40:35.200 --> 00:40:38.360
So that's where long story short, that's where we started February,

571
00:40:40.040 --> 00:40:41.620
March, talking about it.

572
00:40:41.620 --> 00:40:44.140
Then we decided to make the decision with James.

573
00:40:44.940 --> 00:40:48.700
Um, but all the connections that we had, both with all the women that

574
00:40:48.700 --> 00:40:52.080
were in that one by one, you know, were brought, I mean, those were all

575
00:40:52.080 --> 00:40:55.380
relationships that I personally invested in and then brought in and pray, you

576
00:40:55.380 --> 00:40:59.580
know, prayed through, got to know that woman, you know, um, Of course

577
00:40:59.580 --> 00:41:03.940
she had to pray and felt led to be part of this and then ongoing those

578
00:41:03.940 --> 00:41:04.320
relationships.

579
00:41:05.100 --> 00:41:09.440
So adding to that over time, you know, plus the mentors and coaches we had

580
00:41:09.440 --> 00:41:11.040
were all people that I was bringing in.

581
00:41:11.100 --> 00:41:19.300
So it was like, I knew, I just thought that, you know, when, when she said

582
00:41:19.300 --> 00:41:25.200
she wanted to be like a partner, like an equal partner, I just, I really

583
00:41:25.200 --> 00:41:30.380
thought that anytime now it was like, she's showing up more of an

584
00:41:30.440 --> 00:41:33.860
consulting kind of way for me, someone to bounce things off of and bring

585
00:41:33.860 --> 00:41:35.380
strategy sometimes or ideas.

586
00:41:35.480 --> 00:41:38.980
But I just thought like, okay, anytime now, like she's going to kick in with

587
00:41:38.980 --> 00:41:43.740
some, some of these other aspects of, of what it takes to move forward and run a

588
00:41:43.740 --> 00:41:43.920
business.

589
00:41:43.920 --> 00:41:45.380
And it never happened.

590
00:41:45.400 --> 00:41:46.960
And so it just kept getting piled on me.

591
00:41:47.100 --> 00:41:50.660
And so from March and the March, I think we started with James.

592
00:41:51.020 --> 00:41:53.720
We met with him April, you know, weekly.

593
00:41:53.720 --> 00:41:59.920
He has like weekly and weekly group calls and your weekly one-on-ones and

594
00:42:02.400 --> 00:42:03.740
April, April, May.

595
00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:08.560
So April, May and into the beginning of June, we met with him and had kind of

596
00:42:08.880 --> 00:42:11.060
our, our, you know, planning phase.

597
00:42:11.180 --> 00:42:13.240
And that was when everything went down.

598
00:42:13.240 --> 00:42:18.980
I think the second week of June with, with what happened with her.

599
00:42:19.020 --> 00:42:22.340
And so that, that just was when, like, that's where we pick up where I just,

600
00:42:22.340 --> 00:42:26.420
you know, kind of told you about the Lord, just like allowing that too.

601
00:42:26.900 --> 00:42:34.360
It was, it was, I was stunned and I was, I was hurt and I was also just stopped in

602
00:42:34.360 --> 00:42:37.980
my tracks, you know, like I can't, I don't, I want to say that I want to keep

603
00:42:37.980 --> 00:42:44.500
moving on because this is my heart, but I know that I can't just plow through.

604
00:42:44.560 --> 00:42:46.940
I can't just pick right back up.

605
00:42:47.520 --> 00:42:51.060
Like, not only are there all these relationships that I'm kind of trying to

606
00:42:51.660 --> 00:42:56.180
us as an organization through a men, you know, what happened with not only me,

607
00:42:56.180 --> 00:42:59.540
because she brought all these women into it, which is just mind blowing.

608
00:42:59.620 --> 00:43:00.660
You know, you're like, Oh my goodness.

609
00:43:00.900 --> 00:43:04.260
You know, but you brought all the people that I introduced you to that I let you

610
00:43:04.300 --> 00:43:06.720
close to that I personally brought to the organization.

611
00:43:06.720 --> 00:43:10.360
You went behind my back and slandered me to them and told them not to trust me or

612
00:43:10.360 --> 00:43:12.300
believe my leadership abilities.

613
00:43:12.300 --> 00:43:16.880
And then now I'm going and trying to mend every personal relationship with these

614
00:43:16.880 --> 00:43:20.300
women to make sure that they feel, you know, ready to move forward and that

615
00:43:21.020 --> 00:43:24.320
they're okay too, because they were impacted too.

616
00:43:24.920 --> 00:43:27.540
And like I said, they rose up and they were amazing through it.

617
00:43:28.160 --> 00:43:32.660
And you know, maybe a couple of girls kind of made their way out of the group.

618
00:43:34.020 --> 00:43:35.160
And that was totally fine.

619
00:43:35.160 --> 00:43:38.480
Cause I was praying and I still believe there, there probably might be a few that

620
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:42.300
might be led elsewhere, you know, that ultimately, but he was like, this was his

621
00:43:42.300 --> 00:43:47.700
grace to not allow us to plow right into the next thing with this imbalance or

622
00:43:47.700 --> 00:43:53.360
whatever it was the wrong people there, because it could have been that two weeks

623
00:43:53.360 --> 00:43:57.380
later, I mean, it could have been, I mean, imagine if I would have actually

624
00:43:57.380 --> 00:44:02.840
introduced this person to my entire community in the sense that this, this

625
00:44:02.840 --> 00:44:07.100
was like my small group of people I love that I, that I let her close to, but I

626
00:44:07.100 --> 00:44:12.840
mean, I didn't introduce her to like publicly or or announce any kind of

627
00:44:12.840 --> 00:44:14.000
partnership or coaching.

628
00:44:14.000 --> 00:44:18.260
Like we hadn't gotten to that and it was right before, like right before.

629
00:44:18.680 --> 00:44:21.160
So I was, you know, saved from that.

630
00:44:21.860 --> 00:44:25.560
Um, that would have added so much more complexity to it.

631
00:44:26.100 --> 00:44:30.040
And I'm thankful for that, but it definitely was just, yeah, that, that like,

632
00:44:30.100 --> 00:44:35.480
okay, I know that I can't just move forward and, and forget what just happened

633
00:44:35.480 --> 00:44:39.220
because this says something, it says something and I know it says something.

634
00:44:39.220 --> 00:44:44.840
Try not to let it like say something about me in a, in a detrimental way that,

635
00:44:44.900 --> 00:44:49.620
that like crushes my spirit, you know, but like it says something like, I'm not

636
00:44:49.620 --> 00:44:54.820
going to like dismiss it either and not learn from it or dismiss what my heart

637
00:44:54.820 --> 00:44:58.840
is saying and what I feel like the Lord is saying that there's something in this.

638
00:44:58.940 --> 00:44:59.980
There's, there's, there's.

639
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:05.960
a deeper healing because if that could happen and I didn't see it coming, you know what I mean? Then,

640
00:45:06.780 --> 00:45:11.660
and that's been a pattern in my life, like, especially with men, but now it's even happening

641
00:45:11.840 --> 00:45:17.540
in friendships. And like, you know, I want to be able to, to really look at that before I just,

642
00:45:17.900 --> 00:45:22.100
I try to help other, other women, not that I'm not still helping them, but just like in a way

643
00:45:22.100 --> 00:45:29.220
that would be really in that leadership role, um, and business. And so it was, it was like,

644
00:45:29.240 --> 00:45:34.660
I have to obey. I have to, I have to obey. I want to, and I don't even feel like I can't,

645
00:45:34.660 --> 00:45:39.840
like I would feel wrong about moving forward right now for whatever reason, like the Lord

646
00:45:39.840 --> 00:45:44.860
just making it so clear. And I had to have that conversation with James to say, you know,

647
00:45:44.980 --> 00:45:49.180
regardless of what it means for our relationship or whether we work together moving forward or

648
00:45:49.180 --> 00:45:52.760
whether you need to part ways, you know, now, or if you feel like you can pick this back up,

649
00:45:52.820 --> 00:45:59.700
like, I have to be honest about like everything that I do. It comes from, you know, the spirit

650
00:45:59.700 --> 00:46:06.100
of God. Like I don't make decisions that I do not feel peace about that. I don't feel that he's,

651
00:46:06.140 --> 00:46:10.220
he's behind and I cannot, even though we've committed to each other, you poured so much

652
00:46:10.220 --> 00:46:16.080
into me. I'm so grateful. I really truly am. And yet, even though I want to be able to, to,

653
00:46:16.080 --> 00:46:21.580
you know, do what we've been talking about and, and, you know, and be a go getter in the sense of

654
00:46:21.580 --> 00:46:27.500
like, you know, let's do this and, and please you in that way, like that we're actually seeing the

655
00:46:27.500 --> 00:46:32.560
fruit of our labor. I, I can't in this moment, I don't have anything to give you. I don't have

656
00:46:32.560 --> 00:46:37.240
a timeline. I don't have peace about it being now. And I don't know when it's going to be.

657
00:46:37.880 --> 00:46:43.640
So there's that, you know, like, ah, he was great. You know, he's been great through it. And I still

658
00:46:43.640 --> 00:46:48.360
have all the answers about what it means. Like, is, are we going to pick back up Lord?

659
00:46:49.820 --> 00:46:53.880
You know, when are we going to pick back up? Is it going to be James? Is it not going to be James?

660
00:46:53.960 --> 00:46:58.040
Is it, you know, those are all questions that I've been laying on his feet and just really,

661
00:46:59.120 --> 00:47:01.880
really allowing him to work out in his time. But it is like a

662
00:47:03.980 --> 00:47:09.320
total, like everything, I mean, because that was going to be potential, like income, you know,

663
00:47:09.320 --> 00:47:15.540
an income source. And here I am with my current situation with my ex-husband, he was ordered to

664
00:47:15.540 --> 00:47:21.380
pay what they call maintenance, which is the same word, like as alimony because I was a teacher.

665
00:47:21.380 --> 00:47:26.180
And then I left my teaching career for our kids. And for his business, we had a business together

666
00:47:26.180 --> 00:47:31.060
and he ended up getting the business because he's the hands-on, he's the chiropractor. And so

667
00:47:31.160 --> 00:47:35.640
what was our business quickly became his. And I didn't, there wasn't really any,

668
00:47:35.640 --> 00:47:40.660
there weren't really any assets or anything because of how many, many times we'd moved,

669
00:47:41.280 --> 00:47:45.600
how many times we had moved around the country, how much we had lost in the way of momentum and

670
00:47:45.600 --> 00:47:51.100
money. And he was not making it well in business and things were just not going well and being,

671
00:47:51.720 --> 00:47:56.980
being blessed. And I mean, just amazing that we lived through it all. Like it was just bad.

672
00:47:57.200 --> 00:48:03.600
And so, you know, in order for me to get out on my own, I mean, basic baseline is like,

673
00:48:03.600 --> 00:48:08.520
they, they order, you know, she was to stay at home. Mom left her career for four years.

674
00:48:08.960 --> 00:48:15.280
Here's now what, you know, you have to pay this maintenance like child support type of thing.

675
00:48:16.240 --> 00:48:20.920
But just for the fact that she left her career for yours and stayed home with the children for

676
00:48:21.100 --> 00:48:24.960
this many, you know, many months. And so because we,

677
00:48:27.520 --> 00:48:30.960
knowing that here, I'm trying to plan, right. I'm trying to be wise and go, okay,

678
00:48:30.960 --> 00:48:36.620
knowing that that time comes in October where that maintenance ends and my income is then no

679
00:48:36.520 --> 00:48:44.460
longer, I mean, it's already been a struggle to make consistent income to fully meet our needs,

680
00:48:44.940 --> 00:48:50.660
even with the help of, you know, a monthly stipend and payment. Like it's, it's still a challenge.

681
00:48:53.140 --> 00:48:57.340
I don't know why it just is like a lot of times when you're in this position and end up in kind of

682
00:48:57.340 --> 00:49:02.060
those either minimum wage, or it's like, you know, maybe $15 an hour is like good,

683
00:49:02.280 --> 00:49:07.820
you know, to find which is just still not hardly even just paying the bills. And so

684
00:49:08.300 --> 00:49:14.800
I'd done marketing, I had done different, different things, you know, just kind of fill

685
00:49:14.800 --> 00:49:19.580
in the gaps and then, and then ended up in this mental health field for a year.

686
00:49:20.140 --> 00:49:27.720
Um, but even, even our university down the road from where I live, it's like for them to be in

687
00:49:27.720 --> 00:49:31.560
the mental health, like to be a caseworker, you know, and just in supporting families and things

688
00:49:31.560 --> 00:49:38.040
there, they pay you like $13 an hour, you know, it's, I mean, it's insane. And it's such a low

689
00:49:38.800 --> 00:49:42.840
paying position where you're taking on so much in the way of like, you're basically like a peer

690
00:49:42.840 --> 00:49:47.760
support. I mean, as a caseworker, you're not a counselor, but you're like a peer type counselor.

691
00:49:47.760 --> 00:49:52.500
So emotionally, you know, you're taking on a lot energy wise, you're pouring out a lot being

692
00:49:53.220 --> 00:49:58.380
available to families, you know, by by way of phone or text, things like that. And you're just

693
00:49:58.380 --> 00:49:59.980
getting paid peanuts. So the point

694
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:02.240
is that I was trying to be wise and go like,

695
00:50:02.400 --> 00:50:04.020
okay, Lord, knowing that October's coming,

696
00:50:04.820 --> 00:50:08.200
this makes sense now with COVID, this job ending and COVID,

697
00:50:08.880 --> 00:50:11.180
this seems to make sense all the way around.

698
00:50:11.240 --> 00:50:12.760
Like with what you called us to with the collective,

699
00:50:12.980 --> 00:50:15.720
with all these women, the heart and the vision

700
00:50:15.720 --> 00:50:19.460
and the need for mentorship and coaching and discipleship,

701
00:50:20.060 --> 00:50:23.880
this could get us to a place where we're not in need

702
00:50:24.440 --> 00:50:26.080
and scrambling by October,

703
00:50:27.060 --> 00:50:29.240
especially when that income completely goes away

704
00:50:29.240 --> 00:50:30.280
and it's all on me.

705
00:50:31.200 --> 00:50:35.160
And so I'm completely trusting him because I don't know.

706
00:50:35.540 --> 00:50:37.300
Like, I don't know at all.

707
00:50:39.380 --> 00:50:41.040
And it's not, you know, like, I mean,

708
00:50:41.800 --> 00:50:44.040
so many people would say like,

709
00:50:44.040 --> 00:50:45.140
oh my goodness, and you have children,

710
00:50:45.280 --> 00:50:48.080
like, you know, you really need to think about this.

711
00:50:48.520 --> 00:50:51.480
You need to go, you know, you need to go to every,

712
00:50:51.940 --> 00:50:53.700
go start knocking on doors is what they would say.

713
00:50:53.900 --> 00:50:56.840
I mean, I've been told this in recent months, okay?

714
00:50:58.840 --> 00:51:02.660
And I'm not, and I'm not, and it's like,

715
00:51:02.700 --> 00:51:07.220
I don't, I'm not trying to be lazy.

716
00:51:07.600 --> 00:51:11.340
I just, I just don't, I just can't.

717
00:51:11.520 --> 00:51:15.520
I just don't have anything in me, any gumption to,

718
00:51:16.420 --> 00:51:18.360
cause I've tried, I mean, trust me, I've tried.

719
00:51:18.580 --> 00:51:20.800
I have been in striving mode.

720
00:51:20.940 --> 00:51:22.920
I have tried to do it all.

721
00:51:22.920 --> 00:51:26.080
I've, you know, and, but I know,

722
00:51:26.100 --> 00:51:29.160
I know that he knows that in order for me to sustain

723
00:51:29.160 --> 00:51:31.260
whatever he's called me to, I don't, I'm not,

724
00:51:31.980 --> 00:51:34.140
maybe I should care more about finances than I do,

725
00:51:34.240 --> 00:51:37.800
but I just, for at least two and a half years,

726
00:51:37.800 --> 00:51:39.280
I've said, God, I just feel,

727
00:51:39.340 --> 00:51:40.760
I feel called to ministry full time.

728
00:51:40.760 --> 00:51:42.540
Like, I don't know how you want to support that.

729
00:51:42.580 --> 00:51:43.480
I don't know what it looks like.

730
00:51:43.660 --> 00:51:47.380
Like, even when I'm talking about with business,

731
00:51:47.380 --> 00:51:49.800
I want it to be able to flow

732
00:51:50.240 --> 00:51:51.780
to where it feels like ministry,

733
00:51:51.780 --> 00:51:53.440
even though, yes, there's going to be finances

734
00:51:53.800 --> 00:51:55.660
that are going to have to fund even a nonprofit.

735
00:51:55.960 --> 00:51:59.480
I want to be full-time doing what you tell me to do

736
00:51:59.480 --> 00:52:01.320
and just trusting that my needs

737
00:52:01.320 --> 00:52:02.160
are going to get met through that.

738
00:52:02.180 --> 00:52:04.480
But I don't care about any extra beyond

739
00:52:05.280 --> 00:52:06.600
just how you meet my needs.

740
00:52:06.680 --> 00:52:12.320
You know, like I don't, but at the same time, you know,

741
00:52:14.080 --> 00:52:16.640
I don't know, at a time like this,

742
00:52:16.640 --> 00:52:20.040
when it's like COVID halted even the marketing jobs

743
00:52:20.040 --> 00:52:21.540
that I had, because they were small businesses.

744
00:52:21.840 --> 00:52:23.660
And then I tried to do the coaching thing

745
00:52:23.660 --> 00:52:26.020
and take that, you know, time to invest in that

746
00:52:26.020 --> 00:52:29.180
while COVID's going on and take a part-time barista job.

747
00:52:29.200 --> 00:52:31.280
And then he says, hold on.

748
00:52:33.180 --> 00:52:35.260
And so I'm holding on and continue,

749
00:52:35.320 --> 00:52:38.140
I mean, continuing to work the part-time barista.

750
00:52:38.240 --> 00:52:40.520
It's like, you know, halftime, it's like 20 hours.

751
00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:46.020
But that's what I'm, I'm just like,

752
00:52:46.020 --> 00:52:50.020
I'm totally trusting you even bigger than normal,

753
00:52:50.640 --> 00:52:52.660
because, you know, here nobody knows what's going to happen.

754
00:52:52.980 --> 00:52:55.100
They're actually talking about with school here.

755
00:52:55.820 --> 00:52:57.160
It's completely up in the air.

756
00:52:57.360 --> 00:52:58.960
They don't know if they're going to do remote learning,

757
00:52:59.040 --> 00:53:01.100
like homeschooling, which would force parents

758
00:53:01.100 --> 00:53:03.140
to have to be home with the children,

759
00:53:03.280 --> 00:53:04.520
which no one knows how.

760
00:53:04.520 --> 00:53:10.100
Then how will parents work and provide like single moms?

761
00:53:10.300 --> 00:53:12.660
Like how, you know, or they're talking about half days

762
00:53:12.660 --> 00:53:14.400
and they're talking about either voting

763
00:53:14.400 --> 00:53:17.420
between half day, I don't even understand the logic

764
00:53:17.420 --> 00:53:19.960
behind a lot of this, but ultimately my heart

765
00:53:19.960 --> 00:53:21.420
is that I would homeschool my kids.

766
00:53:21.500 --> 00:53:23.580
I would love to unschool, homeschool.

767
00:53:23.800 --> 00:53:26.900
I have a teaching degree, like, yes, you know,

768
00:53:26.940 --> 00:53:32.260
like in ideally that would be beautiful and it would be,

769
00:53:33.220 --> 00:53:35.820
I would be, I mean, that's what I envisioned, you know,

770
00:53:35.820 --> 00:53:38.840
when I had two children and wanted more, you know,

771
00:53:38.840 --> 00:53:42.920
and what I saw in family life was all these things,

772
00:53:42.920 --> 00:53:47.820
you know, that we were going to live for the Lord,

773
00:53:48.020 --> 00:53:52.820
that we were going to, you know, feed our kids whole foods

774
00:53:52.880 --> 00:53:54.780
and, you know, care for their health

775
00:53:54.780 --> 00:53:56.640
on all these different levels and not necessarily

776
00:53:56.640 --> 00:53:58.180
just do what everybody else does.

777
00:53:58.260 --> 00:54:00.400
And that if we wanted to homeschool or unschool

778
00:54:00.400 --> 00:54:01.580
or whatever, that we would.

779
00:54:01.680 --> 00:54:04.100
And I had all this education and teaching background

780
00:54:04.420 --> 00:54:06.440
to feel kind of extra supportive.

781
00:54:06.560 --> 00:54:08.260
Not that you need that, but I did.

782
00:54:08.980 --> 00:54:10.480
And, you know, taught little ones.

783
00:54:10.480 --> 00:54:14.360
It's like, what, you know, this is the family life.

784
00:54:14.440 --> 00:54:18.120
And then everything crumbled and everything fell apart.

785
00:54:18.220 --> 00:54:21.600
And, you know, the gist of that is that, you know,

786
00:54:21.600 --> 00:54:23.760
when you asked the other day,

787
00:54:25.060 --> 00:54:27.400
when you ended your last polo,

788
00:54:27.520 --> 00:54:29.940
you mentioned that you were curious about that setup.

789
00:54:30.100 --> 00:54:31.200
Like, you know, I don't, I don't,

790
00:54:31.240 --> 00:54:32.360
I would assume your kids are around,

791
00:54:32.440 --> 00:54:33.880
but I don't, you know, see them like,

792
00:54:34.100 --> 00:54:35.240
and I'm sure you were just curious

793
00:54:35.240 --> 00:54:38.960
and it was just totally great and beautiful and fine.

794
00:54:38.960 --> 00:54:40.460
It makes complete sense that you would be.

795
00:54:40.680 --> 00:54:42.560
But I think in that moment, it was like,

796
00:54:43.160 --> 00:54:46.180
not just because of you, just cause like, I miss my kids.

797
00:54:47.540 --> 00:54:51.060
Like, it's like the biggest heartache that I have.

798
00:54:51.300 --> 00:54:53.060
Like that, yeah, they're not with me.

799
00:54:53.100 --> 00:54:53.940
Like, you're right.

800
00:54:53.980 --> 00:54:55.180
Like they really should be.

801
00:54:55.240 --> 00:54:58.560
And it would make sense that, you know,

802
00:54:58.560 --> 00:54:59.880
even with my situation right now,

803
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:03.720
I have a couple of days off a week that I would at least have them on those days.

804
00:55:04.000 --> 00:55:09.020
But I don't like this is, and there's so much, you know,

805
00:55:09.020 --> 00:55:12.660
backstory to that, that it's like, I can tell you the gist of it, but you know,

806
00:55:12.680 --> 00:55:14.700
there's all this stuff that comes up with like,

807
00:55:14.700 --> 00:55:17.620
people don't understand or they don't have any context to try to understand

808
00:55:17.620 --> 00:55:19.440
what we've, what we've been through.

809
00:55:19.440 --> 00:55:23.880
And then there's all the trying to explain it or just feeling the shame of

810
00:55:24.320 --> 00:55:27.380
potentially, I don't necessarily feel like this, but just, you know,

811
00:55:27.920 --> 00:55:29.640
trying to explain something

812
00:55:31.760 --> 00:55:36.020
that's so painful and that's so doesn't make sense because it's not,

813
00:55:36.020 --> 00:55:37.920
it's not right. It's not just,

814
00:55:38.680 --> 00:55:41.380
but then when you're trying to explain that can sound like you're not taking

815
00:55:41.580 --> 00:55:45.560
responsibility because you're telling the story of this injustice.

816
00:55:46.120 --> 00:55:50.400
When ultimately I own my life and I own, you know,

817
00:55:51.680 --> 00:55:53.420
that I made, you know,

818
00:55:53.420 --> 00:55:57.820
these decisions and I don't regret them because of my children and how I've

819
00:55:57.820 --> 00:56:00.900
grown through it to, to marry this person. And then, you know,

820
00:56:00.900 --> 00:56:03.960
it wasn't my decision to go through any of this afterward,

821
00:56:04.080 --> 00:56:08.360
like the divorce and all that, but it was a result of, you know,

822
00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:10.040
who I married. And,

823
00:56:10.280 --> 00:56:13.780
but that's not like something that God's faulting me for holding against me.

824
00:56:13.780 --> 00:56:17.660
It's not something that I deserved in the aftermath. Um, but there's this,

825
00:56:18.100 --> 00:56:21.840
like, you know, people think, well, can't you just, I mean,

826
00:56:21.840 --> 00:56:25.000
the courts would, they'd understand this, right? Or can't you just try this?

827
00:56:25.060 --> 00:56:25.920
Or can you try that?

828
00:56:25.980 --> 00:56:31.060
Or there's like a gazillion ideas for how we can maybe

829
00:56:32.040 --> 00:56:36.360
problem solve, like with the injustice of the situation. And yet

830
00:56:37.500 --> 00:56:41.020
none of them yet work like, yes,

831
00:56:41.020 --> 00:56:45.160
it's worth pursuing options and we've done that with attorneys for four years,

832
00:56:45.560 --> 00:56:50.320
over four years. But it is, it is so complex. It's like,

833
00:56:50.320 --> 00:56:54.080
it's, it's something that only God can do. Ultimately. It doesn't mean we stop,

834
00:56:54.560 --> 00:56:57.700
you know, it's hard because, you know, there's things like, okay,

835
00:56:57.700 --> 00:57:00.020
do I have the right attorney? Like, is she going to fight?

836
00:57:00.120 --> 00:57:03.120
Is she going to fight for us and stand up for us and advocate for us? You know,

837
00:57:03.240 --> 00:57:07.560
we've already spent 60 plus thousand dollars, um,

838
00:57:08.440 --> 00:57:13.100
which is an extremely expensive, you know, divorce and custody, um, you know,

839
00:57:13.920 --> 00:57:16.980
thing. And we live in small town, you know, basically small town, Illinois,

840
00:57:16.980 --> 00:57:19.120
it's, you know, central Illinois. Um,

841
00:57:19.120 --> 00:57:22.320
so it's a very inexpensive place compared to most, but you know, that's our,

842
00:57:22.660 --> 00:57:25.040
our kids could have gone to college for that price. And we're still, I mean,

843
00:57:25.040 --> 00:57:27.220
paying on, I'm guessing he is to my end.

844
00:57:27.260 --> 00:57:30.820
I'm still paying on it and I have this monthly bill to my attorney just to try

845
00:57:30.820 --> 00:57:36.080
to keep hope alive for my children to be in my care and to get everything that

846
00:57:36.080 --> 00:57:38.680
they need. And, and then it's like,

847
00:57:38.700 --> 00:57:42.540
I'm trying to hold out hope for even my ex-husband,

848
00:57:42.600 --> 00:57:43.660
cause I want good things for him.

849
00:57:43.660 --> 00:57:47.640
And I want him to know the Lord and I want him to be freed from whatever is

850
00:57:48.540 --> 00:57:50.840
sent him to such a place that he would,

851
00:57:51.240 --> 00:57:56.520
that he would be operating from such like wickedness.

852
00:57:56.520 --> 00:57:58.180
And I even know, I don't think he knows.

853
00:57:58.280 --> 00:58:02.060
I think he really doesn't even know what he's doing. Like he doesn't even,

854
00:58:03.320 --> 00:58:04.680
I mean, some people say, you know,

855
00:58:04.680 --> 00:58:09.040
and then when they say when someone operates from like this narcissistic place,

856
00:58:09.320 --> 00:58:12.980
that they're like, you can't just let them off the hook. Like they do know,

857
00:58:12.980 --> 00:58:16.300
they know. But at the same time, it's, it's a, I mean,

858
00:58:16.300 --> 00:58:19.880
like any other mental health issue, you know,

859
00:58:19.880 --> 00:58:23.960
or spiritual whatever issue it's like, I mean, in some ways, yes,

860
00:58:23.960 --> 00:58:25.180
you can hold someone accountable,

861
00:58:25.180 --> 00:58:27.760
but in some ways you don't know their story and their trauma either.

862
00:58:27.760 --> 00:58:33.680
And you still have to hope and forgive and try to trust that God can change

863
00:58:33.680 --> 00:58:37.980
anyone, you know? And even if when I talk to therapists and people,

864
00:58:38.140 --> 00:58:42.300
my friends with PhDs and, you know, psychology and all these things,

865
00:58:42.300 --> 00:58:46.440
they're like, I've never seen a narcissist change.

866
00:58:46.600 --> 00:58:50.760
Like that's the story that you hear over and over and over and over. And yet

867
00:58:52.360 --> 00:58:53.020
I will.

868
00:58:53.200 --> 00:58:56.280
And I believe that we're supposed to have boundaries and do the things that we,

869
00:58:56.420 --> 00:58:59.360
you know, we have to do and not that the abuse is not okay to just take,

870
00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:03.460
but there's this place I've come through a lot of hurt and anger and bitterness

871
00:59:03.760 --> 00:59:08.320
over the years of like the Lord led me over Passover week to complete

872
00:59:08.320 --> 00:59:14.700
forgiveness for my ex-husband who continues to try to use our children as pawns

873
00:59:14.700 --> 00:59:19.040
to hurt me and to take everything he can. And it felt for a long time,

874
00:59:19.300 --> 00:59:21.000
honestly, like there was,

875
00:59:21.140 --> 00:59:26.100
it's been such an awful nightmarish battle that it has felt like he was,

876
00:59:26.100 --> 00:59:28.620
he was trying to take my life. I mean,

877
00:59:28.820 --> 00:59:30.340
literally I didn't know if I was going to live through it.

878
00:59:30.340 --> 00:59:34.080
It was so abusive and such an emergency situation and so many people involved

879
00:59:34.080 --> 00:59:38.080
and attorneys and just like, you can't even wrap your head around it.

880
00:59:38.160 --> 00:59:44.420
The constant tornado and the constant chaos and the constant cycles of,

881
00:59:44.940 --> 00:59:48.580
you know, manipulation and control and power. And,

882
00:59:48.580 --> 00:59:51.300
and just like someone has their thumb on you and you cannot get away.

883
00:59:51.500 --> 00:59:55.680
Like it feels like someone really is wanting bad things for you.

884
00:59:55.700 --> 00:59:59.980
And after your very life, because they don't want anything good for you.

885
01:00:00.560 --> 01:00:04.140
They will do everything they can to take every good thing from you.

886
01:00:04.180 --> 01:00:05.780
They see you as worthless.

887
01:00:05.900 --> 01:00:07.060
They tell you you're worthless.

888
01:00:08.580 --> 01:00:15.080
They, you know, treat you like you're worthless, like less than an aunt, okay, is what it feels

889
01:00:15.080 --> 01:00:15.400
like.

890
01:00:15.400 --> 01:00:16.580
I mean, when you're going through it.

891
01:00:16.760 --> 01:00:25.700
And so it's only God that I could even forgive him, like, and want good things for him.

892
01:00:26.220 --> 01:00:30.600
And, you know, and that's taken time and it's not even like, there's not times that you're

893
01:00:30.600 --> 01:00:31.160
still frustrated.

894
01:00:31.240 --> 01:00:37.140
Like you act, you're acting like a toddler, but like in a man's body, you know what I

895
01:00:37.140 --> 01:00:37.240
mean?

896
01:00:38.360 --> 01:00:40.480
Like it's, it's, it's frustrating.

897
01:00:40.620 --> 01:00:41.540
There's no way around that.

898
01:00:41.540 --> 01:00:45.860
And you have to feel those feelings, but there's also like, I let bitterness grow and then

899
01:00:45.860 --> 01:00:47.200
it just tried to destroy me.

900
01:00:47.280 --> 01:00:52.680
And I had to really, you know, have been asking the Lord and just releasing and trying to,

901
01:00:53.180 --> 01:00:58.220
to go on to deeper levels of forgiveness, even while protecting myself and my kids the

902
01:00:58.220 --> 01:01:02.420
best I can, you know, and then while trying to navigate the legal system and, you know,

903
01:01:02.420 --> 01:01:07.780
how do we make this, this right God, because he knows my heart cries that my girls need

904
01:01:07.780 --> 01:01:11.880
me, like, as in they're suffering there, you know, it could be way worse.

905
01:01:12.080 --> 01:01:16.380
He's protecting them, but I see, I know them so well, I see the way that this, this hurts

906
01:01:16.380 --> 01:01:17.120
and affects them.

907
01:01:17.120 --> 01:01:20.000
Like my oldest daughter is turning nine soon.

908
01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:25.780
And she is, she's more like a 12 year old, like it just in every area, she's always just

909
01:01:25.780 --> 01:01:32.520
excels in every single area and every subject and very much deep and a thinker and a feeler

910
01:01:32.520 --> 01:01:33.300
and compassionate.

911
01:01:33.740 --> 01:01:37.360
And she says things that just, you just don't hear from eight girls.

912
01:01:37.360 --> 01:01:37.860
Okay.

913
01:01:37.940 --> 01:01:42.160
And she understands, but then she's also trying to understand she's taking it on.

914
01:01:42.220 --> 01:01:43.400
She's trying to fix it.

915
01:01:43.400 --> 01:01:47.180
She's trying to cover for her dad and, and, you know, understand him, which is precious

916
01:01:47.180 --> 01:01:49.200
that she's like, you know, it's not him, mama.

917
01:01:49.240 --> 01:01:49.920
It's not him.

918
01:01:49.920 --> 01:01:51.740
Don't you think it's just the fear speaking?

919
01:01:51.880 --> 01:01:54.600
Don't you think it's, you know, fear in his life?

920
01:01:54.600 --> 01:01:59.040
Like, I mean, things that she'll say, but then she's, she's developing like an eating

921
01:01:59.040 --> 01:01:59.360
problem.

922
01:01:59.360 --> 01:02:03.680
Like she's, she's hoarding herself on sugar, like at eight years old, like, she's like

923
01:02:04.180 --> 01:02:06.460
literally tells me, like, I don't know how to stop.

924
01:02:06.480 --> 01:02:07.580
Like, I don't know how to stop.

925
01:02:07.620 --> 01:02:09.040
Like she'll hide and sneak sugar.

926
01:02:09.040 --> 01:02:14.360
And that's one thing that as a woman, I've never struggled with like a specifically an

927
01:02:14.360 --> 01:02:14.740
eating disorder.

928
01:02:14.800 --> 01:02:15.900
I've gone through a lot of things.

929
01:02:15.900 --> 01:02:19.640
I can relate on a lot of different things, but that's not one of them, but I'm just going,

930
01:02:20.200 --> 01:02:25.340
you know, there's all the things that we can turn to, to try to heal or to, you know, cope

931
01:02:26.240 --> 01:02:27.860
with the pain and the shame.

932
01:02:27.860 --> 01:02:33.700
And it's like, I see her carrying all of this and I'm just continually laying down and trusting

933
01:02:33.700 --> 01:02:34.400
them the Lord.

934
01:02:34.480 --> 01:02:34.920
They're the Lord.

935
01:02:35.060 --> 01:02:37.640
It's like, he, he knows everything.

936
01:02:37.700 --> 01:02:38.700
He knows what we've gone through.

937
01:02:38.700 --> 01:02:39.640
He knows what they need.

938
01:02:39.880 --> 01:02:41.020
He knows we're super close.

939
01:02:41.200 --> 01:02:48.140
And yet we're in a situation where we don't even know legally what the Lord, you know,

940
01:02:48.140 --> 01:02:52.460
we were going to file for, for trial, we were going to file for trial and COVID hit, you

941
01:02:52.460 --> 01:02:52.640
know?

942
01:02:52.720 --> 01:02:58.000
So it's like, and, and I'm just every day going, Lord, I don't even know if it, if it's

943
01:02:58.000 --> 01:03:02.440
trial is what it's going to come to, if that's really what it's going to come to, you know,

944
01:03:02.440 --> 01:03:07.820
or if you can do a miracle and maybe there's going to be another way because it's been

945
01:03:07.820 --> 01:03:08.820
so long and drawn out.

946
01:03:09.000 --> 01:03:10.340
We're going on four and a half years.

947
01:03:10.660 --> 01:03:15.600
I mean, not quite four and a half years, but I mean, he's promised it's not going to go

948
01:03:15.600 --> 01:03:15.920
on forever.

949
01:03:16.000 --> 01:03:17.100
He's promised justice.

950
01:03:17.440 --> 01:03:22.520
He said, we're not going in for around three as in, you know, what's happened in the past

951
01:03:22.520 --> 01:03:28.180
where it was able to, to literally break me, break me, like break me.

952
01:03:28.360 --> 01:03:30.360
And that's, that's why we're in this position.

953
01:03:30.380 --> 01:03:32.000
So it's like, yeah.

954
01:03:32.000 --> 01:03:39.620
To, to answer that, like the girls are at this point until God moves and either tells

955
01:03:39.620 --> 01:03:46.880
us to go back to trial or court or does something, you know, miraculous to shift my ex-husband's,

956
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:53.560
you know, heart and move that it's like, like I'm in a situation where I have them two evenings

957
01:03:53.560 --> 01:03:56.040
a week and every other weekend, that's it.

958
01:03:56.820 --> 01:04:04.960
And I don't even know until we get back legally into some, something trial or hearing or something

959
01:04:06.700 --> 01:04:12.300
like it's so bad that he will, he will like tease me with, you know, when, when it's good

960
01:04:12.300 --> 01:04:15.400
for him, he wants me to like homeschool them a couple of days a week.

961
01:04:15.400 --> 01:04:18.880
And then as soon as we get going a week into it, he takes it back.

962
01:04:19.240 --> 01:04:23.480
After I rearrange everything in my whole life and my work schedule and tell their teachers

963
01:04:23.480 --> 01:04:27.920
and everything, it's like a dangling, a carrot, you know, and then they're, they're in and

964
01:04:27.920 --> 01:04:28.280
out.

965
01:04:28.280 --> 01:04:29.660
I mean, they're in and out of extracurriculars.

966
01:04:29.920 --> 01:04:32.100
He pulls them in and out of school.

967
01:04:32.260 --> 01:04:33.680
It's anything but stable.

968
01:04:34.060 --> 01:04:40.860
And yet the court hasn't seen, you know, just hasn't seen the evidence to see that like

969
01:04:40.860 --> 01:04:43.800
every single day, every week he's breaking our court order.

970
01:04:44.200 --> 01:04:47.900
And yet he has primary, he has primary time with them right now.

971
01:04:47.900 --> 01:04:52.080
Like he has, he has the ability, you know, it's like, that's where you don't, you can't

972
01:04:52.080 --> 01:04:52.740
live in fear.

973
01:04:52.740 --> 01:04:57.220
And yet it's like, Laura, but he's been able, I mean, it's hard because it's like, he's

974
01:04:57.320 --> 01:04:59.760
able in some ways, as so long as we have.

975
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.180
our children together and it continues like this he's able to get away with these things or he's

976
01:05:04.180 --> 01:05:09.640
able to do these things or there's nothing that I can do to stop this except for pray and release

977
01:05:09.640 --> 01:05:16.020
the power that he's had over me which God's broken off like I used to be so bound to what he was

978
01:05:16.020 --> 01:05:20.280
going to do next and not that that doesn't come up at all because he's always pulling kind of a

979
01:05:20.280 --> 01:05:26.860
next thing and you know but it's like I'm not bound to the fear the way that I was I don't

980
01:05:26.860 --> 01:05:33.360
respond to him out of reacting I consistently don't show him reactions even if it's it hurts

981
01:05:33.360 --> 01:05:39.360
me or my life or causes chaos like I respond like a business email kind of thing you know and

982
01:05:39.620 --> 01:05:43.560
there's a lot of things that have taken time to come to but it's still the reality that these are

983
01:05:43.560 --> 01:05:48.860
my these are my children like these are like I've been entrusted with these babies and yet my girls

984
01:05:48.900 --> 01:05:56.220
are more under his care and yet he's so broken and he and he's so deceived and he lies constantly

985
01:05:56.220 --> 01:06:01.100
and just bullies and harasses and gets his way and let and yet God's saying I'm just and I'm

986
01:06:01.100 --> 01:06:06.800
gonna bring justice but it might not be how you thought and I'm just completely like trying to

987
01:06:06.800 --> 01:06:22.860
yield to it all you know where it's this this submitting you know like yeah yeah I'm sorry for

988
01:06:23.000 --> 01:06:28.600
everything that um that that you're going through and being being in that situation you know where

989
01:06:30.700 --> 01:06:43.160
um now you can feel just um um moved moved around at somebody else's uh somebody else's will um

990
01:06:43.160 --> 01:06:53.780
and um and the fact that you have come to the point where um you were willing and obeyed the

991
01:06:53.780 --> 01:07:03.260
Lord in forgiving him is huge because it's not just the past it's not just that you've moved

992
01:07:03.800 --> 01:07:11.720
that you're no longer in situations for you to be triggered and it's the memory that triggers you

993
01:07:12.280 --> 01:07:21.940
it's the current that triggers you and um because forgiving the past is big enough but being in the

994
01:07:21.940 --> 01:07:33.200
middle of something and and forgiving is um is a very big deal um and uh and uh so I just wanted to

995
01:07:33.200 --> 01:07:41.040
wanted to acknowledge that for you somebody on the outside seeing that in the spirit is that

996
01:07:41.720 --> 01:07:50.520
that submissiveness to to the Lord and to who it is that you are to the Lord and coming into

997
01:07:50.520 --> 01:07:57.800
agreement with that you know over path over you said the Passover time and and and deciding

998
01:07:58.220 --> 01:08:07.500
that okay Lord if you say that that um that I am to you what you say that I am

999
01:08:08.060 --> 01:08:17.819
then therefore I desire to forgive as you forgive I desire to look like you I desire to be like you

1000
01:08:17.819 --> 01:08:24.300
and if this is what it means then I'm asking for your strength you're helping your guidance to do

1001
01:08:24.300 --> 01:08:37.479
so and I am choosing to do it to actually follow through with it as opposed to um being at the

1002
01:08:37.479 --> 01:08:41.660
and I asked you to help me to do that at some point which I'm sure you went through that phase

1003
01:08:41.660 --> 01:08:47.460
we've all gone through that phase but then to have gotten to the point already where you

1004
01:08:47.540 --> 01:08:55.399
walked actively through that forgiveness where you released yourself from the chains

1005
01:08:55.399 --> 01:09:07.460
of that oppression into freedom so that you can't be you freed yourself from being able to be

1006
01:09:07.460 --> 01:09:11.779
like you mentioned um I mean there are people that I've forgiven that I've released

1007
01:09:11.939 --> 01:09:17.080
and still every now and then go for your trigger it'll shot me I'm like oh you know

1008
01:09:18.640 --> 01:09:23.439
it'll um sorry I just had a phone call come in and so it yeah oh you're fine

1009
01:09:23.680 --> 01:09:28.040
gonna make sure that I don't die on you because I don't know how my my um

1010
01:09:28.040 --> 01:09:34.600
I know well I was I was thinking the same thing for me mine is slowly dying and so I needed to

1011
01:09:34.600 --> 01:09:38.180
make sure let me go ahead let me find an outlet

1012
01:09:40.620 --> 01:09:46.359
oh there's sorry just one second let me plug in my phone

1013
01:10:22.040 --> 01:10:27.020
And then my phone and then neither one of us will die on

1014
01:10:27.020 --> 01:10:50.320
each other. Okay, let's see. Are you there? Oops. Are you

1015
01:10:50.320 --> 01:10:50.680
there?

1016
01:10:52.980 --> 01:10:54.880
Oh, I lost her.

1017
01:11:30.140 --> 01:11:34.740
Is it going to connect us? Yes. Oh, good. Okay.

1018
01:11:36.020 --> 01:11:36.100
Yay.

1019
01:11:37.200 --> 01:11:41.300
Yeah, so it happened back through the link. Yeah. When I

1020
01:11:41.360 --> 01:11:44.440
went through the link, it said that you were in a meeting

1021
01:11:44.520 --> 01:11:48.900
already. I'm like, oh, she's in a meeting with me. But I'm

1022
01:11:48.900 --> 01:11:50.280
trying to get back in.

1023
01:11:50.280 --> 01:11:56.240
And it says you're in that you're busy in another meeting.

1024
01:11:57.680 --> 01:12:02.880
Okay, I don't know at all about that. Yeah. So anyway, now I

1025
01:12:02.880 --> 01:12:06.280
don't know where you are, but it looks like the internet's not

1026
01:12:06.280 --> 01:12:10.560
as strong. And maybe the zoom I think is in kicked you out. And

1027
01:12:10.560 --> 01:12:13.280
then because right now you're frozen. Can you hear me?

1028
01:12:22.460 --> 01:12:34.800
Can you hear me? Okay. Hey, can you hear me? All right. Now I

1029
01:12:34.800 --> 01:12:37.340
can we went out again, but I think we're going to try again.

1030
01:12:37.520 --> 01:12:42.580
I'm praying. Okay. Okay, good. I'm not sure I bet you that zoom

1031
01:12:42.600 --> 01:12:46.980
kicks people out when when their internet gets really low. And so

1032
01:12:46.980 --> 01:12:50.120
I'm wondering if wherever you moved in your house, if the

1033
01:12:50.120 --> 01:12:54.060
internet's not as strong because all while ago you froze, and it

1034
01:12:54.160 --> 01:12:57.500
like had to recast. So I don't know. But so far, it's good.

1035
01:12:58.960 --> 01:13:02.440
Okay, so we'll just sit here and not move. Yeah, exactly.

1036
01:13:03.020 --> 01:13:09.140
Yeah. But um, anyway, so I was just affirming you for and for

1037
01:13:09.140 --> 01:13:11.180
what it is that you'd walk through the Lord because that is

1038
01:13:11.180 --> 01:13:14.820
a really big deal to get to the point where you're where we

1039
01:13:15.000 --> 01:13:19.600
forgive and that we actually go so far as to speak into somebody

1040
01:13:19.600 --> 01:13:23.060
else's life and choose to bless them. That's a very, very big

1041
01:13:23.060 --> 01:13:28.240
deal. That's extremely difficult. It's um, but it is

1042
01:13:28.800 --> 01:13:32.360
an evidence of true releasing because that's all that

1043
01:13:32.360 --> 01:13:35.360
forgiveness is, is, you know, how we're talking about for

1044
01:13:35.360 --> 01:13:39.300
rest, how, how you just release, that's what forgiveness is.

1045
01:13:39.320 --> 01:13:43.920
That's what death is, where God asks, you know, we've we've talked

1046
01:13:43.920 --> 01:13:46.280
about, you know, Christian circles, you know, in church and

1047
01:13:47.000 --> 01:13:50.760
and about dying, you know, spiritual death, etc. That's all

1048
01:13:50.760 --> 01:13:55.720
that it is, is it's releasing, it is letting go of whatever is

1049
01:13:55.720 --> 01:14:01.380
that whatever we're hanging on to. And that is keeping that is

1050
01:14:01.380 --> 01:14:04.600
in resistance to our true nature. That's all that death

1051
01:14:04.820 --> 01:14:12.140
is. That's all that dying to self is, is that is just our

1052
01:14:12.140 --> 01:14:17.000
soul coming into agreement with our spirit, and releasing the

1053
01:14:17.000 --> 01:14:19.940
thing that it's holding on to that's resisting it being able

1054
01:14:19.940 --> 01:14:24.140
to operate according to its true nature. And so honestly, there's

1055
01:14:24.140 --> 01:14:29.340
no, there's no sting in death anymore, because the sting of

1056
01:14:29.340 --> 01:14:33.780
death was lack on the other side. And since there's no more

1057
01:14:33.820 --> 01:14:39.340
lack, after death, there's no more lack after forgiveness, you

1058
01:14:39.340 --> 01:14:42.800
know, there's no more lack after releasing and dying to self.

1059
01:14:43.820 --> 01:14:47.920
There's, there's no, there's no sting anymore. And there's,

1060
01:14:48.040 --> 01:14:52.480
there's, there's finally life on the other side of forgiveness,

1061
01:14:52.860 --> 01:14:56.280
life on the other side of any form of releasing any form of

1062
01:14:56.780 --> 01:14:59.980
death. And so, but to get

1063
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:03.680
to the point where we come into agreement with that fact,

1064
01:15:03.760 --> 01:15:08.360
and where we choose to believe that I'm moving into life

1065
01:15:08.360 --> 01:15:13.280
by forgiving the person, as opposed to letting go

1066
01:15:13.600 --> 01:15:18.480
of the thing that I believe is keeping me protected,

1067
01:15:19.020 --> 01:15:21.680
because that's what the lack of forgiveness is.

1068
01:15:22.000 --> 01:15:26.300
It's feeling that that is the very thing that we need

1069
01:15:26.300 --> 01:15:29.660
in order to protect ourselves, is our lack of forgiveness.

1070
01:15:30.700 --> 01:15:32.980
A holding ourselves, a holding something against someone,

1071
01:15:33.120 --> 01:15:34.640
we feel that that's our protection,

1072
01:15:34.900 --> 01:15:37.580
and we have to come to agreement with the fact that,

1073
01:15:39.160 --> 01:15:42.200
no, that's our form of enslavement,

1074
01:15:42.260 --> 01:15:46.540
and to actually release that is actually.

1075
01:15:47.800 --> 01:15:49.500
It's like opposites, again, everything's opposites.

1076
01:15:50.360 --> 01:15:53.120
Yes, exactly, it's so very opposite,

1077
01:15:53.800 --> 01:15:57.280
which, and the thing is that God is the standard

1078
01:15:57.280 --> 01:16:04.280
of what is normal, and the world has had us believe

1079
01:16:04.280 --> 01:16:07.680
this lie for so long, the kingdom of this world

1080
01:16:08.020 --> 01:16:10.200
has had us believe a lie for so long

1081
01:16:12.260 --> 01:16:16.460
that the opposite of what God says is actually true,

1082
01:16:16.820 --> 01:16:20.300
and because we've come to accept it

1083
01:16:20.300 --> 01:16:21.640
and agree with it so long,

1084
01:16:21.640 --> 01:16:23.220
and we believe that it's the truth,

1085
01:16:23.660 --> 01:16:26.340
so what always feels like God

1086
01:16:27.120 --> 01:16:30.480
is does everything in an odd way.

1087
01:16:30.940 --> 01:16:35.440
No, God's the normal, we've been doing everything

1088
01:16:35.440 --> 01:16:39.520
counter to it for so long, it feels familiar,

1089
01:16:39.780 --> 01:16:41.640
it feels comfortable, it feels normal,

1090
01:16:41.720 --> 01:16:43.140
and it feels like, oh my word, Lord,

1091
01:16:43.300 --> 01:16:48.400
you always do the opposite, and that's so hard, Lord,

1092
01:16:48.400 --> 01:16:50.680
why does it have to be so hard to follow you?

1093
01:16:50.680 --> 01:16:53.920
God's like, no, I'm the standard, I'm the easy,

1094
01:16:54.440 --> 01:16:56.240
I'm the thing that always existed

1095
01:16:56.240 --> 01:16:59.140
before the lies started becoming rampant,

1096
01:16:59.880 --> 01:17:03.000
but we, so it's shifting into normal.

1097
01:17:03.660 --> 01:17:06.660
Almost like layers added on to a canvas,

1098
01:17:06.880 --> 01:17:11.040
like when you can unmask the masterpiece

1099
01:17:11.400 --> 01:17:14.580
that the original, yeah, the counterfeit,

1100
01:17:14.700 --> 01:17:16.540
and then people talk about the counterfeit,

1101
01:17:16.680 --> 01:17:17.920
that's something he's spoken to me about

1102
01:17:17.920 --> 01:17:23.580
that comes up, so there's what's his,

1103
01:17:23.700 --> 01:17:26.920
and then there's always gonna be the counterfeit.

1104
01:17:27.680 --> 01:17:30.360
Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.

1105
01:17:32.000 --> 01:17:37.100
So do you have anything in particular that,

1106
01:17:37.940 --> 01:17:42.860
well, anything in particular that you wanted to ask,

1107
01:17:43.080 --> 01:17:45.220
or any particular reason why you wanted to,

1108
01:17:45.860 --> 01:17:47.140
I don't know, any particular thing

1109
01:17:47.140 --> 01:17:50.400
that you wanted to come into the meeting and talk about?

1110
01:17:50.580 --> 01:17:52.400
I mean, I know I understand everything that we've talked

1111
01:17:52.400 --> 01:17:54.780
about, and I didn't know if there was some question

1112
01:17:54.780 --> 01:17:56.680
that you had or some special thing

1113
01:17:56.680 --> 01:17:58.000
that you've been going through recently

1114
01:17:58.000 --> 01:18:00.780
that you wanted to discuss about it,

1115
01:18:00.940 --> 01:18:04.380
or if it was one of those things where the reason

1116
01:18:05.740 --> 01:18:08.000
that it was on your heart to talk about today

1117
01:18:08.000 --> 01:18:10.100
is because there's some element of rest

1118
01:18:10.200 --> 01:18:13.040
that you were trying to understand how to move into

1119
01:18:13.040 --> 01:18:15.060
because you haven't felt some rest recently,

1120
01:18:15.060 --> 01:18:17.780
or particularly related to that.

1121
01:18:18.100 --> 01:18:20.360
I didn't know, I'm just kind of giving you ideas

1122
01:18:20.360 --> 01:18:22.400
about where my mind has gone,

1123
01:18:22.840 --> 01:18:24.520
because I don't want to speak into something

1124
01:18:24.520 --> 01:18:26.540
that someone's not inviting me to speak into.

1125
01:18:27.080 --> 01:18:30.800
It's your time that we're on here for,

1126
01:18:31.320 --> 01:18:33.680
and otherwise, so unless I hear it,

1127
01:18:33.680 --> 01:18:35.900
I'm just kind of guessing at what someone might,

1128
01:18:35.940 --> 01:18:37.500
what you wanted to ask me.

1129
01:18:37.500 --> 01:18:39.980
I know where you're coming from, yeah.

1130
01:18:39.980 --> 01:18:46.000
Um, well, I think in part, I mean,

1131
01:18:46.000 --> 01:18:49.640
a big part is the importance of just being able

1132
01:18:49.640 --> 01:18:54.680
to share, you know, our stories,

1133
01:18:54.960 --> 01:18:57.760
like, and I think that that's why I allowed,

1134
01:18:57.800 --> 01:18:59.540
I think I allowed myself, not planning on it,

1135
01:18:59.600 --> 01:19:02.220
but to talk and just kind of talk and talk,

1136
01:19:02.460 --> 01:19:05.900
but in sharing, you know, as much as you can in,

1137
01:19:07.360 --> 01:19:12.100
you know, in a phone call, like what the big things are,

1138
01:19:12.160 --> 01:19:13.240
so you even have context.

1139
01:19:13.460 --> 01:19:17.160
And I think because, you know, you were asking about,

1140
01:19:17.180 --> 01:19:19.540
you know, the timeline and some of that story came out

1141
01:19:19.720 --> 01:19:22.700
with just like the collective and the coaching business

1142
01:19:23.440 --> 01:19:26.120
and those relationships, but then also, you know,

1143
01:19:27.160 --> 01:19:28.940
my stuff that you asked about with the girls

1144
01:19:29.740 --> 01:19:31.440
led to sort of that side of the story.

1145
01:19:31.440 --> 01:19:36.780
And all that is, is led us to the present in a big way.

1146
01:19:37.040 --> 01:19:39.520
Those are a lot of like the big things,

1147
01:19:39.680 --> 01:19:41.320
but then there's, you know, there's layers

1148
01:19:41.320 --> 01:19:46.600
and there are different circumstances within that.

1149
01:19:48.360 --> 01:19:50.880
And yeah, I think, hmm.

1150
01:19:56.980 --> 01:19:59.040
There are a few things that like come to mind

1151
01:19:59.040 --> 01:19:59.820
and I'm trying to,

1152
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:03.800
they don't they're not all like very related so that's why I don't I don't know which one we might

1153
01:20:03.800 --> 01:20:09.300
pick but um that's just all that comes to mind because I don't I I wanted to pick a time before

1154
01:20:09.300 --> 01:20:13.720
the week got away again since my work times probably conflict a lot with your day you know

1155
01:20:13.720 --> 01:20:17.100
times the next couple days and I thought like I don't want to miss another week you know

1156
01:20:17.500 --> 01:20:22.560
of even though I felt like we did we got our like Marco Polo above and beyond last week um

1157
01:20:22.560 --> 01:20:29.080
to to converse but but I also didn't feel like I was coming on with necessarily all this clarity

1158
01:20:29.080 --> 01:20:34.780
of of what I wanted to talk about to figure out but I know which is fine which is fine I just

1159
01:20:34.780 --> 01:20:39.740
wanted to mention to you if there was something I wanted to verbalize that you're welcome to tell me

1160
01:20:39.740 --> 01:20:43.800
otherwise you can just get on here and like what you would do and just talk if that's what you need

1161
01:20:43.800 --> 01:20:49.300
that is fine just wanted to I just didn't know if that's what it was you needed or if you needed

1162
01:20:49.300 --> 01:20:55.520
something else I thought I'd ask yeah no that's perfect because I do I do sometimes need to you

1163
01:20:55.520 --> 01:21:01.140
I verbally process but then within that I'm a big I like to understand and I ask a lot of

1164
01:21:01.140 --> 01:21:07.560
questions so which is good will be yeah they usually will be mixed in um one thing I mean

1165
01:21:07.560 --> 01:21:11.880
that's definitely like big on my heart today because this has just been a few hours of

1166
01:21:12.600 --> 01:21:17.740
you know whatever a few a few hours of the day really so far um to even process this but

1167
01:21:18.540 --> 01:21:23.180
uh I had a dream some some of um

1168
01:21:28.100 --> 01:21:35.400
golly okay so I had a dream and it's pretty significant dream that I haven't fully processed

1169
01:21:35.400 --> 01:21:41.160
obviously because like I said it's just still the beginning part of the day um but

1170
01:21:43.360 --> 01:21:49.860
but it had it was it's very interesting Ashley especially because there are certain times that

1171
01:21:49.860 --> 01:21:56.860
you know like you wouldn't think you wouldn't think you just wouldn't think like with everything

1172
01:21:56.860 --> 01:22:03.620
that I have been through with Sam is his name my ex-husband um with him and everything that we

1173
01:22:03.620 --> 01:22:11.140
still face you just wouldn't think nobody in the world would definitely you know no one in the

1174
01:22:11.140 --> 01:22:15.460
world would think that this would make any sense and even believe among believers it's it's

1175
01:22:16.840 --> 01:22:25.120
kind of surprising that that again that I would come to forgiveness um you know that I would be

1176
01:22:25.120 --> 01:22:29.080
able to come to forgiveness and that was something the lord did that I I was asking for but not that

1177
01:22:29.640 --> 01:22:36.260
I did it was something that he did in worship time that he led me to that he did over Passover

1178
01:22:36.260 --> 01:22:44.800
and I did not expect to intercede and to release um the way that that that I did and spend like

1179
01:22:44.800 --> 01:22:49.700
four hours that went by like I didn't even I felt like an hour of worship time so it was like

1180
01:22:49.700 --> 01:22:56.020
totally him but even now to there have been times when the lord has just been like

1181
01:22:57.740 --> 01:23:04.480
pretty obvious about like the fact that he's like I'm gonna like he's a prodigal like I'm gonna bring

1182
01:23:04.480 --> 01:23:10.360
him home um and I have been so because of the wounds and because of the nature of everything

1183
01:23:10.360 --> 01:23:16.760
I've been so like I tried to save my family so for a long time it was like is there any way like

1184
01:23:16.760 --> 01:23:22.520
is there any way you know and it felt like the answer was no because of how things went and the

1185
01:23:22.520 --> 01:23:27.100
fact that we did move forward and the divorce happened and it was all so fast and furious and

1186
01:23:27.100 --> 01:23:31.140
then you know he was already had a baby on the way and that was just this whole huge scandal

1187
01:23:31.140 --> 01:23:36.140
and then it was like you know now he's got this other baby mama and I mean just all these things

1188
01:23:36.320 --> 01:23:41.880
you're thinking okay I guess the answer is no like and then with everything that happened within that

1189
01:23:42.600 --> 01:23:51.340
that that he he he was unable to show any any concern for me like as the mother of his children

1190
01:23:51.340 --> 01:23:58.260
but that was so the opposite was like get away and run and never look back like that's that's

1191
01:23:58.260 --> 01:24:03.860
kind of thing like the situation that you know most people would say yeah you you dodged a bullet

1192
01:24:04.560 --> 01:24:09.620
like get away and never look back like there is no hope here there's no hope here and I have so

1193
01:24:09.620 --> 01:24:16.080
I've completely let go of all hope a long time ago like and even desire like I would never

1194
01:24:16.840 --> 01:24:22.940
you know those are the vows that we sometimes make but truly like I've said I don't

1195
01:24:24.380 --> 01:24:29.180
I mean this couldn't I mean people have asked me or asked myself could this ever like be or could

1196
01:24:29.180 --> 01:24:32.780
this ever reconcile or anything especially with the narcissistic thing and the fact that people

1197
01:24:32.780 --> 01:24:39.180
don't even see that ever changing even believers they're like you know it's very no like you know

1198
01:24:39.180 --> 01:24:45.900
it's so unlikely that that is so unhealthy you can't I mean and so there's no way I've said

1199
01:24:45.900 --> 01:24:50.360
nothing short of a miracle like it would have to be an absolute miracle and then an absolute

1200
01:24:50.360 --> 01:24:55.560
turnaround as in God would have to deliver him miraculously from whatever is causing

1201
01:24:56.080 --> 01:24:59.760
you know these this mental torment for him and these these kinds of

1202
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.900
of actions and whatever it is that is the narcissistic way, okay?

1203
01:25:05.800 --> 01:25:09.440
And there's just no way that in the natural that you can see that happening.

1204
01:25:09.700 --> 01:25:11.420
That just, it just doesn't, okay?

1205
01:25:11.920 --> 01:25:16.180
People, people rarely, even if they choose to get help, like as in they choose to see

1206
01:25:16.180 --> 01:25:19.720
that they need to change or anything like that, which is huge.

1207
01:25:20.280 --> 01:25:24.320
Like with narcissistic people, they don't even see, they won't admit that continually

1208
01:25:24.320 --> 01:25:30.740
and over time, but then to actually like be able to even receive help and change is truly,

1209
01:25:30.900 --> 01:25:39.020
but God has shown me pictures of like a road to Damascus kind of conversion type experience

1210
01:25:39.020 --> 01:25:39.800
over my ex-husband.

1211
01:25:40.020 --> 01:25:46.240
Now that I, there's so much of me that's like, okay, God, like you got to understand, I have

1212
01:25:46.240 --> 01:25:48.120
like high, high compassion and empathy.

1213
01:25:48.300 --> 01:25:52.020
And I don't, you know, again, I don't brag about that, but like I've had to learn that

1214
01:25:52.020 --> 01:26:00.400
I have a desire to see, truly like see the nations heal and see people come out of any

1215
01:26:00.400 --> 01:26:03.620
and every infirmity and mental, you know, torment.

1216
01:26:03.740 --> 01:26:04.820
And I walked through that stuff.

1217
01:26:05.460 --> 01:26:08.680
I've supported people through, you know, mental health issues.

1218
01:26:08.720 --> 01:26:12.780
Like I don't, I just really don't have judgments left, you know, in anything that I do, it's

1219
01:26:12.780 --> 01:26:14.680
like, I'm ready for God to take them.

1220
01:26:14.680 --> 01:26:21.240
But he has taken so much of the judgment that ever did exist because of the churches and

1221
01:26:21.240 --> 01:26:26.760
everything that I grew up in and the way I was thinking through my experiences in the

1222
01:26:26.760 --> 01:26:32.080
darkness and being, being that person that was misunderstood and lonely and has gone

1223
01:26:32.080 --> 01:26:35.120
through so much that I just don't, I don't, there's nothing that I don't feel like he

1224
01:26:35.120 --> 01:26:35.600
could heal.

1225
01:26:35.840 --> 01:26:40.100
But at the same time, you know, it's like, we'll be real realistic too, whatever, like,

1226
01:26:40.380 --> 01:26:42.700
you know, we'll be, you know, be wise and all that.

1227
01:26:43.840 --> 01:26:48.520
Well, one of the times that he showed me like twice in one day, this whole concept of, he

1228
01:26:48.520 --> 01:26:49.700
basically said, I'm going to heal him.

1229
01:26:49.700 --> 01:26:53.020
Like I'm, it's going to be like a Saul to Paul experience.

1230
01:26:53.100 --> 01:26:53.460
Okay.

1231
01:26:53.720 --> 01:26:55.280
And it's not right this minute.

1232
01:26:55.280 --> 01:26:56.520
He said, it's not right this minute.

1233
01:26:56.520 --> 01:26:57.860
And you're supposed to keep your boundaries.

1234
01:26:58.480 --> 01:27:03.220
Like, it's not like just go, you know, cause what would happen is whenever I would show

1235
01:27:03.220 --> 01:27:05.700
him compassion in my heart, I would let my boundaries drop.

1236
01:27:05.800 --> 01:27:07.060
And then I'd be hurt by him again.

1237
01:27:07.060 --> 01:27:11.520
The next time he came back and did something horrible to me and tried to take me out.

1238
01:27:11.940 --> 01:27:16.560
So I just had to, I almost had to harden my heart, but then that grew into such bitterness.

1239
01:27:16.560 --> 01:27:18.640
And then, like I said, the Lord, like deliver me from that.

1240
01:27:18.660 --> 01:27:19.500
And there's been forgiveness.

1241
01:27:19.780 --> 01:27:24.040
Well now, you know, when he did that, I didn't even realize that he was showing me, he

1242
01:27:24.040 --> 01:27:26.840
showed me like a word of the day and then he spoke to me in the spirit.

1243
01:27:26.840 --> 01:27:29.480
And then he showed me like another confirmation the same day.

1244
01:27:29.480 --> 01:27:31.560
And I got to work that day and it was his birthday.

1245
01:27:32.060 --> 01:27:37.500
Like, I didn't even know until I, until I looked at the date that, that, that had all

1246
01:27:37.500 --> 01:27:39.360
happened that morning and it was Sam's birthday.

1247
01:27:40.700 --> 01:27:42.080
Um, and there's just been other times.

1248
01:27:42.160 --> 01:27:45.060
Well, fast forward, I'm still going through all this stuff with him, right?

1249
01:27:45.060 --> 01:27:48.800
I mean, he's still threatening me, you know, like, it's still like, I mean, you

1250
01:27:48.800 --> 01:27:56.280
know, it's like, this is, this is what, so last night I have this dream and it's

1251
01:27:56.340 --> 01:27:59.280
like so profound because, you know, you don't want to read too much into it.

1252
01:27:59.280 --> 01:28:02.620
Cause I know that not all dreams, you know, there's interpretation of dreams.

1253
01:28:02.640 --> 01:28:07.480
So I'm not trying to say exactly what it means, but like, it makes me cry, like

1254
01:28:07.480 --> 01:28:08.500
instantly thinking about it.

1255
01:28:08.780 --> 01:28:11.300
Cause just because of what God's done there, like that.

1256
01:28:13.420 --> 01:28:13.900
Yeah.

1257
01:28:13.900 --> 01:28:19.720
And just even times like that, I've, as the, the forgiveness has deepened, you know,

1258
01:28:20.560 --> 01:28:24.480
um, and then hearing my daughter, my own daughter go like the mama, that's not who

1259
01:28:24.480 --> 01:28:28.360
he is like, that was, don't you think like, that's just the enemy?

1260
01:28:28.440 --> 01:28:29.780
Don't you think that's just fear?

1261
01:28:29.840 --> 01:28:31.800
Like that's, he would never do that.

1262
01:28:31.800 --> 01:28:32.200
You know what I mean?

1263
01:28:32.200 --> 01:28:39.760
Just standing up for him in ways and she's just like, she's such a deep loving soul.

1264
01:28:39.760 --> 01:28:42.780
Like I, if I could be her when I grow up, like that's, I would want to be her, you

1265
01:28:43.020 --> 01:28:44.860
know, like, I just admire her so much.

1266
01:28:44.860 --> 01:28:48.200
And so for her to have all this insight and forgiveness, and she told me, and she

1267
01:28:48.200 --> 01:28:51.380
said, I, cause we talked on a mommy daughter day about the stuff and she was

1268
01:28:51.380 --> 01:28:57.580
like, I want to, um, she was saying that she would really love to, to write and

1269
01:28:57.580 --> 01:29:00.280
sing like worship music and that, but she wants it to be catchy.

1270
01:29:00.300 --> 01:29:04.720
Like she wants it to be, you know, like catchy music for people that like pop,

1271
01:29:05.160 --> 01:29:06.780
but that also love Jesus.

1272
01:29:06.780 --> 01:29:09.120
And then I said, well, what, you know, what would like, what would your

1273
01:29:09.120 --> 01:29:09.880
message be?

1274
01:29:10.080 --> 01:29:12.960
Like, what do you really want to say or, you know, sing about?

1275
01:29:13.040 --> 01:29:16.480
And she said, you know, I just, I want people to know, like, like they're loved

1276
01:29:16.540 --> 01:29:17.680
and forgiven no matter what.

1277
01:29:18.700 --> 01:29:21.140
And, um, she like has this message of forgiveness.

1278
01:29:21.380 --> 01:29:22.800
She's telling me this a few weeks ago.

1279
01:29:22.800 --> 01:29:23.020
Right.

1280
01:29:23.120 --> 01:29:26.720
So I'm just like, there's so much backstory on my children and the way they've been

1281
01:29:26.720 --> 01:29:31.160
protected through this and the bubble, you know, around them, um, that I've seen in

1282
01:29:31.160 --> 01:29:34.760
the spirit, other people that don't even know me or each other have said, like, I

1283
01:29:34.760 --> 01:29:37.660
see a bubble around these girls, like they're being protected through all this

1284
01:29:37.660 --> 01:29:40.060
as God works, whatever he's working between you guys.

1285
01:29:40.180 --> 01:29:47.000
But I have never once thought to myself, I want to like, I, you know, since the

1286
01:29:47.000 --> 01:29:52.340
beginning of all this four years ago, like I want reconciliation or I want, like,

1287
01:29:52.340 --> 01:29:53.900
I've ever thought there was a possibility.

1288
01:29:54.400 --> 01:29:54.880
Right.

1289
01:29:55.160 --> 01:29:58.480
Um, but there's been times as God's been whispering these things and the forgiveness

1290
01:29:58.780 --> 01:29:59.980
stuff that I've come.

1291
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:07.880
to that it's like who am I to say no like if God wanted to do something like that like

1292
01:30:07.880 --> 01:30:15.280
and which would be I mean crazy testimony right I mean if he if he actually changed

1293
01:30:16.800 --> 01:30:22.040
me and my ex-husband and then somehow restored you know what I mean like our marriage or

1294
01:30:22.040 --> 01:30:25.760
family like that but that's just a crazy talk right that's like okay I'm thinking out loud

1295
01:30:25.760 --> 01:30:30.980
here but I mean truly it's like I don't think it's crazy you don't think it's crazy I don't

1296
01:30:30.980 --> 01:30:34.560
want it like there's this part of me that's like I don't want it but then I'm like okay

1297
01:30:34.580 --> 01:30:39.780
the only way Ashley that it could even possibly happen that could be healthy that could be

1298
01:30:39.780 --> 01:30:46.240
beautiful is one way and the only way is a miracle from God a complete shift and a restoration

1299
01:30:46.460 --> 01:30:53.040
but if that one way could happen how could you say no to that like how could you not

1300
01:30:53.040 --> 01:31:00.120
want that God story like you know like I you know it would only be my bitterness and

1301
01:31:00.120 --> 01:31:03.980
whatever that would say like no I don't want anything to do with that but he softened my

1302
01:31:03.980 --> 01:31:08.940
heart enough that even through all the pain and everything we've been through and then

1303
01:31:08.940 --> 01:31:14.980
I've even said like there there when I was under when I was interceding for him it turned

1304
01:31:14.980 --> 01:31:18.860
into like really interceding for like the nation's and for people all over with like

1305
01:31:18.860 --> 01:31:24.980
these deep levels of mental issues and torment and stuff and just really desiring to see them

1306
01:31:24.980 --> 01:31:29.500
set free like and I was big I was like just asking him for mercy like where most people

1307
01:31:29.500 --> 01:31:35.880
would sentence judgment you know and that just telling him like I don't want I don't want him

1308
01:31:35.880 --> 01:31:39.740
to get what he deserves like I don't want you know when people go like if there's God's gonna

1309
01:31:39.740 --> 01:31:43.100
bring justice or whatever you know a lot of times you think like okay that person's gonna get what

1310
01:31:43.100 --> 01:31:48.180
they deserve but what he's been showing me is that his vengeance is actually mercy and that

1311
01:31:48.180 --> 01:31:54.560
he actually doesn't his wrath already been poured out and so in when he talks about vengeance it's

1312
01:31:55.220 --> 01:32:03.200
actually like shocking people with his kindness and mercy into his love repentance the kindness

1313
01:32:03.200 --> 01:32:09.540
of God leads to repentance yeah and so then you know I think I don't want him to get what he

1314
01:32:09.540 --> 01:32:15.240
deserves I really truly that wouldn't make me happy that would not satisfy me at all like when

1315
01:32:15.240 --> 01:32:18.500
you think I mean and there's been so much time people have offered over the years there's been

1316
01:32:18.500 --> 01:32:23.200
so much that's happened I mean I have been stopped harassed you know like all kinds of things and

1317
01:32:23.200 --> 01:32:27.060
there have been people that are like you want me to send somebody like do like jokingly you know

1318
01:32:27.060 --> 01:32:31.160
but though you know many people that have been like you want to send somebody over to like beat

1319
01:32:31.160 --> 01:32:37.300
his you know like because he's hurting a young woman and her children you know what I mean like

1320
01:32:37.300 --> 01:32:43.300
this is actually happening in all these ways and yet God when I look when I ask him for a picture

1321
01:32:43.300 --> 01:32:52.500
of Sam like in my mind's in my spiritual eyes to see him I saw him pick him up by the scruff of

1322
01:32:52.500 --> 01:33:00.020
his neck like a mama picks up the puppy and like move him and then like continue to do that like

1323
01:33:00.020 --> 01:33:03.120
every time that he would just be like flipping around and doing his own thing like he would just

1324
01:33:03.120 --> 01:33:12.280
pick him like there was not there wasn't wrath and there wasn't harshness and judgment and all

1325
01:33:12.280 --> 01:33:17.040
last night I have this dream and I do not have dreams about him like I've had a dream of him

1326
01:33:17.620 --> 01:33:23.100
probably a year and a half ago setting my whole house and life on fire like literally a terrifying

1327
01:33:23.160 --> 01:33:30.040
dream of him setting fire to everything like trying to kill me like and my mother was involved

1328
01:33:30.040 --> 01:33:35.980
too so that's interesting because there's a connection there but I've never had dreams of

1329
01:33:37.260 --> 01:33:43.400
like in a reconciling kind of way and last night was like like I don't even know like I don't know

1330
01:33:43.400 --> 01:33:48.460
how it cannot be from God you know but then I'm like I don't want to assume what it means so I'm

1331
01:33:48.460 --> 01:33:54.800
just trying to let it be but you're just going okay Lord like what but essentially he restored

1332
01:33:57.660 --> 01:34:03.280
okay it's kind of nutty like it's you know those times when you wish you could have like written

1333
01:34:03.280 --> 01:34:13.260
stuff down as it was happening so you could really remember the detail but so he took our story he

1334
01:34:13.260 --> 01:34:19.320
took our like our whole like our whole 15 years or like journey or whatever like and he like

1335
01:34:19.320 --> 01:34:24.980
reconciled it backwards and there was like truly like I don't know if you've ever seen like a movie

1336
01:34:24.980 --> 01:34:32.100
that pieces things together backwards like memento or any of those but it was like it was

1337
01:34:32.100 --> 01:34:37.140
like that and like there was like a piecing together and we went back through and there

1338
01:34:37.140 --> 01:34:44.040
were some key moments of of hurts of him waking up to what he had had done and what he had been

1339
01:34:44.040 --> 01:34:50.020
operating out of and and me being able to like actually share and him be receptive to like we

1340
01:34:50.020 --> 01:34:57.420
were together as a family like with the girls to like stuff dealt with like my own my own issues

1341
01:34:57.420 --> 01:34:59.980
like with my my mom and control and and

1342
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:08.920
different things and ways I went wrong. And then I saw and of course like there's plenty of details

1343
01:35:08.920 --> 01:35:13.220
that I can't remember all of them but it was like it was like actually like a playing a tape

1344
01:35:13.220 --> 01:35:23.280
backwards but he like did he went back through and restored it backwards. And then yeah like so

1345
01:35:23.280 --> 01:35:30.140
a key part was that there was reconciliation like our kids were there. There was like a family

1346
01:35:31.300 --> 01:35:34.460
as you know we were together as a family which I've never had a dream like that ever.

1347
01:35:36.340 --> 01:35:42.260
And he came to understand like there was like a repentance and an ability for us to be like

1348
01:35:42.260 --> 01:35:46.520
friends which I mean gosh we're like the been the farthest thing from friends okay.

1349
01:35:46.880 --> 01:35:53.260
Like the farthest like you would say like arch enemies you know which I don't want to be his

1350
01:35:53.260 --> 01:35:58.180
enemy. And even my daughter said the other day when we go on this we're getting to go see their

1351
01:35:58.180 --> 01:36:03.140
cousins for Olive's birthday and we haven't been on vacation ever like since you know these five

1352
01:36:03.140 --> 01:36:09.420
years or whatever. So they're so excited and she said dad won't let us bring our iPads. And I'm

1353
01:36:09.420 --> 01:36:14.080
like oh honey I'm sorry to hear that like you know you know whatever just letting her process. And

1354
01:36:14.080 --> 01:36:18.660
she's like yeah he says that you know he's afraid that you'll you know you'll drop it and break it

1355
01:36:18.660 --> 01:36:24.520
and then say you lost it you know. And it's just like does he really think this way like is he

1356
01:36:24.520 --> 01:36:29.760
really just operating from fear like himself and thinking that I'm the bad guy because like along

1357
01:36:29.760 --> 01:36:36.660
the way he'll say things like even though he's the one getting police reports you know and and

1358
01:36:36.660 --> 01:36:40.660
write-ups and all these things from attorneys and everything like he doesn't even like he sees

1359
01:36:40.720 --> 01:36:48.060
me when he looks in the mirror he tells me I'm abusing him or I'm like he sees it like backwards

1360
01:36:48.060 --> 01:36:54.820
like he sees everything that we we see that is evidenced in his actions and and everything that

1361
01:36:54.820 --> 01:37:02.260
he consistently does he says I'm doing because like I'm manipulating him and I'm like I just

1362
01:37:02.260 --> 01:37:06.880
want to fight with him and he doesn't want to be enemies anymore and but he'll persist in it he'll

1363
01:37:06.900 --> 01:37:12.000
persist constantly causing this drama and chaos. So anyways this dream was just absolutely wild

1364
01:37:12.000 --> 01:37:18.040
like I just remember tearing up and then there was like a time that okay so I'd seen um

1365
01:37:18.700 --> 01:37:24.440
just crazy like because I have not made any of these connections so two weeks before we

1366
01:37:24.440 --> 01:37:29.760
separated and things went down hard and fast I mean bad we were coming back from leading worship

1367
01:37:30.400 --> 01:37:34.140
and we had started just started leading worship together and they ended up asking him to step

1368
01:37:34.140 --> 01:37:37.520
down and me to sit down just because of the nature of things even though I they were like

1369
01:37:37.520 --> 01:37:41.480
you're not doing anything wrong but just because of what you're going through he's pursuing divorce

1370
01:37:43.020 --> 01:37:48.960
um and so I looked up and I have it in pictures that he probably still has because he kept our

1371
01:37:49.740 --> 01:37:54.720
computer um but I looked up at the sky and I've written about it and there was a rainbow like

1372
01:37:54.980 --> 01:37:59.320
I've never seen and I've never seen one since and this rainbow came back up in the dream

1373
01:37:59.500 --> 01:38:05.340
like so the way that the way that he like restored it backwards like this it was like

1374
01:38:05.340 --> 01:38:09.880
almost like a rainbow and then he actually showed me the picture of the rainbow and here was what

1375
01:38:09.880 --> 01:38:15.480
the rainbow was it was the piece of the side of the rainbow and then it was a piece of the side

1376
01:38:15.480 --> 01:38:21.360
of the rainbow so I've never seen a rainbow where you don't see the middle the bridge

1377
01:38:22.940 --> 01:38:29.100
like there were just two sides and I saw it with him in the car two weeks before everything went

1378
01:38:29.100 --> 01:38:34.640
down and I've written about it recently um and over time and when I when I actually

1379
01:38:35.960 --> 01:38:41.500
a few weeks when after that happened I was staying with pastor friends when we separated because I

1380
01:38:41.500 --> 01:38:44.440
was literally pushed out of the house and I didn't know where to go and I was terrified we're trying

1381
01:38:44.440 --> 01:38:49.640
to get me to like a shelter or something and I saw that rainbow in my sleep the only other time I've

1382
01:38:49.640 --> 01:38:55.920
seen it in my sleep and I woke straight up and sat up in bed and said here am I lord send me like

1383
01:38:58.280 --> 01:39:04.160
I don't know you know and so then seeing it last night and this crazy I mean not just that you have

1384
01:39:04.160 --> 01:39:09.080
a dream that you know where there's like a plot and you're you're talking you're different things

1385
01:39:09.080 --> 01:39:15.780
but that there's like a restoration and and this backwards whole thing kind of in this shape and

1386
01:39:15.780 --> 01:39:20.880
then that I would see that rainbow that I saw with him right before the separation in it and then and

1387
01:39:20.880 --> 01:39:25.860
I was like there's this part of you that's just you know you you want your heart to be open to

1388
01:39:25.860 --> 01:39:31.320
whatever god has like that I've always said like if he changed his heart like I would choose

1389
01:39:31.320 --> 01:39:37.120
forgiveness like I would you know say yes to that like I would never reject that but that would

1390
01:39:37.120 --> 01:39:44.960
have to be what it came to you know there's no other way that anyone can think of um but what

1391
01:39:44.960 --> 01:39:51.160
am I trying to say okay so when that that thing happened I remember in my sleep being like no

1392
01:39:51.160 --> 01:39:55.840
like you know what I mean like no in the sense that you know there's this part of you that's

1393
01:39:55.840 --> 01:39:59.720
just like no I don't even want to hope for this or like I don't want you to do this god like there's

1394
01:39:59.720 --> 01:39:59.980
this part

1395
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:06.600
of you that's just, it's hard to explain, but it's just like, I've been hurt so bad

1396
01:40:06.600 --> 01:40:10.300
for so long that you're just like, I don't want, please don't, you know?

1397
01:40:11.140 --> 01:40:14.480
Please don't reconcile or please don't, oh, please don't reconcile.

1398
01:40:15.040 --> 01:40:15.400
Yeah.

1399
01:40:15.420 --> 01:40:20.620
Like, please don't, like, don't, you know, like I don't, it's hard to even consider to

1400
01:40:20.620 --> 01:40:22.940
consider it being a possibility.

1401
01:40:22.940 --> 01:40:27.040
And then after that, I felt like the Lord said, and this was definitely a part that

1402
01:40:27.040 --> 01:40:33.080
I wanted to tell you and like, ask your thoughts about, but I feel like he said, like, with

1403
01:40:33.080 --> 01:40:37.620
the rainbow thing, I feel like he was like, so what if you get to ask me for the ending

1404
01:40:37.620 --> 01:40:38.280
you want?

1405
01:40:40.520 --> 01:40:46.080
Like, and I was like, what, he's like, what if you get to like partner with me to write

1406
01:40:46.220 --> 01:40:46.620
the ending?

1407
01:40:46.720 --> 01:40:49.460
Like, what if it's okay for you to like, say what you want?

1408
01:40:49.500 --> 01:40:50.720
And I was like, what?

1409
01:40:51.500 --> 01:40:52.340
Have a say.

1410
01:40:54.800 --> 01:40:55.600
That's so special.

1411
01:40:55.760 --> 01:40:56.520
I'm going to cry.

1412
01:40:57.080 --> 01:40:57.560
Yeah.

1413
01:40:58.380 --> 01:40:58.860
Yeah.

1414
01:40:59.540 --> 01:41:01.920
So I don't know.

1415
01:41:04.180 --> 01:41:07.120
Yeah, I think that's, that is, that's amazing.

1416
01:41:07.340 --> 01:41:08.160
That is amazing.

1417
01:41:08.320 --> 01:41:09.040
That's so sweet.

1418
01:41:09.480 --> 01:41:18.680
So first of all, um, I would encourage you to not be, um, upset or concerned or, or whatever.

1419
01:41:19.160 --> 01:41:22.440
And I mean, yeah, that you're going to be on a journey and you're going to be working

1420
01:41:22.440 --> 01:41:25.720
it out with the Lord about, Lord, I really don't want to reconcile and this is what you're

1421
01:41:25.720 --> 01:41:26.360
telling me to do.

1422
01:41:26.860 --> 01:41:31.040
There's going to be a bit of that journey of like this processing through of, Lord,

1423
01:41:31.060 --> 01:41:31.880
this is what it is.

1424
01:41:31.900 --> 01:41:34.480
I believe this is what it is that I think that I want.

1425
01:41:34.680 --> 01:41:39.340
And so I, so you're, you're telling me this possibility and Lord, I'm scared, I'm, I'm

1426
01:41:39.400 --> 01:41:39.800
resistant.

1427
01:41:40.260 --> 01:41:41.120
I mean, you know, whatever.

1428
01:41:41.460 --> 01:41:44.300
So, you know, that's, that's understandable, you know, you're going to have that journey.

1429
01:41:44.560 --> 01:41:50.220
So I'm, um, but, um, so I'm not saying, oh, you shouldn't or something, you know, it'll

1430
01:41:50.220 --> 01:41:55.240
just be part of what you go through with the Lord, but I just encourage you while you're

1431
01:41:55.240 --> 01:42:09.320
in the process of it to not be, um, uh, to, uh, to not be worried or fearful of the fact

1432
01:42:09.320 --> 01:42:11.680
of, oh my goodness, could that, will this happen?

1433
01:42:12.700 --> 01:42:22.620
Um, because, um, your expectation is not on Sam and how the situation could turn out.

1434
01:42:23.180 --> 01:42:31.300
God is the one who's making, making, um, a, a promise, which sounds like it's something

1435
01:42:31.340 --> 01:42:38.620
that hasn't necessarily in a way been like laid down in stone or anything.

1436
01:42:38.620 --> 01:42:45.300
God's just, God's just saying, Hey, look, this is the promise of my character and what

1437
01:42:45.300 --> 01:42:51.120
it is that, and how it is that I can, um, come through and present myself to you.

1438
01:42:52.080 --> 01:43:00.140
You have an opportunity to take, to lay hold of my character manifesting in this way, or

1439
01:43:00.260 --> 01:43:05.040
my exact same character manifesting in a different way.

1440
01:43:05.040 --> 01:43:12.660
And I'm giving you just a picture and a reminder of who it is that I am, how big that I am,

1441
01:43:13.040 --> 01:43:19.480
what, and how it is that it could manifest into reality in a way that if I, if I have

1442
01:43:19.480 --> 01:43:25.820
it come out like this, you in your, with your background and your understanding and

1443
01:43:25.880 --> 01:43:31.540
the meaning that I know that you will attach to that, you will consider that to be huge

1444
01:43:31.540 --> 01:43:32.220
about me.

1445
01:43:32.220 --> 01:43:37.900
You will consider that to be a huge expression of who it is that I am.

1446
01:43:37.980 --> 01:43:42.420
And I want you to know that regardless of how it actually manifests, I want you to,

1447
01:43:42.580 --> 01:43:49.120
what I'm promising you and what I'm picturing for you is I am like this, but how, and so

1448
01:43:49.120 --> 01:43:50.400
you can trust in that.

1449
01:43:50.580 --> 01:43:56.520
And, and that needs to be your expectation that my God is like that, but it doesn't

1450
01:43:56.600 --> 01:44:00.520
need to, you don't have to worry or be in fear that, oh my goodness.

1451
01:44:00.580 --> 01:44:00.900
Yes.

1452
01:44:00.900 --> 01:44:05.860
But if it actually manifests, if his character, which I want him to be is I want his character

1453
01:44:05.860 --> 01:44:06.720
to be that big.

1454
01:44:07.080 --> 01:44:10.880
I don't know that I want it to manifest exactly in that way.

1455
01:44:10.880 --> 01:44:16.720
I may want his character, desire his character to manifest that big, but in a different way.

1456
01:44:16.720 --> 01:44:25.040
So it sounds like he's inviting you to partner with him and take this journey on healing

1457
01:44:25.040 --> 01:44:32.360
your heart and that the two of you can decide together about how you want his character

1458
01:44:32.360 --> 01:44:33.680
to express itself.

1459
01:44:33.860 --> 01:44:38.720
But what it is that he's wanting you to set your heart and your expectation on is not

1460
01:44:38.720 --> 01:44:43.920
how it manifests in the physical world, but he wants you to put your expectation and the

1461
01:44:44.180 --> 01:44:48.340
fulfillment of his promise on the fact that his character is that big.

1462
01:44:48.720 --> 01:44:50.060
That's the promise to you.

1463
01:44:50.100 --> 01:44:53.200
It's not how it will work out in the world.

1464
01:44:53.880 --> 01:44:59.800
So you can lay a hold of it, lay, you know, just not lay hold of release your hold of

1465
01:44:59.800 --> 01:44:59.980
the fact.

1466
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:04.720
that, oh my goodness, he's saying that you have to trust and promise and hope and delight

1467
01:45:04.920 --> 01:45:09.640
in the fact that it will work out like this. You don't have to worry about that right now

1468
01:45:09.640 --> 01:45:15.200
because your heart isn't at the place where it can receive that as a good thing, so to speak.

1469
01:45:15.200 --> 01:45:20.360
There's part of you that can receive it as a good thing because of everything that you told me so

1470
01:45:20.360 --> 01:45:24.940
far. The fact that you know that God has brought you to a point of forgiveness, that he's brought

1471
01:45:24.940 --> 01:45:32.140
you at a point where you desire all good things for Sam and for him to come to the Lord and have

1472
01:45:32.140 --> 01:45:39.600
a Damascus experience, etc., etc. So your heart has journeyed to, you know, heart meaning like

1473
01:45:40.140 --> 01:45:45.980
you've released so much in your trust with the Lord that he's brought you to the point where

1474
01:45:45.980 --> 01:45:50.980
you can receive that. But there's an element that you haven't been able to walk into yet

1475
01:45:51.540 --> 01:45:57.920
and which is fine. And God's not holding you in condemnation and saying like, oh,

1476
01:45:57.920 --> 01:46:03.680
well, you should be. He's not. He's saying, hey, look, you can write it this way or we can write

1477
01:46:03.680 --> 01:46:09.280
it a different way. He's giving you options, but what he's wanting you to do is like regardless of

1478
01:46:09.280 --> 01:46:16.060
the expectation, you know, or regardless of how it manifests, you know, he's understanding of

1479
01:46:16.060 --> 01:46:25.420
the fact that your heart is not at the point yet in the journey where the two of you have walked

1480
01:46:25.640 --> 01:46:34.620
so that your heart can receive that earthly manifestation as a good thing that you can

1481
01:46:34.620 --> 01:46:39.380
delight in. So he's like, I don't want you to worry about that at all. He's like, if we get to

1482
01:46:39.380 --> 01:46:42.860
that part, he says, when we get to that part of the journey, it'll be great. But until then,

1483
01:46:45.200 --> 01:46:49.240
just understand that I promise to you is that I am this big and that I will,

1484
01:46:49.860 --> 01:46:54.360
and that if you put your expectation on the fact that I'm this big, that is how I will manifest.

1485
01:46:54.980 --> 01:47:00.820
But how that looks in the worldly sense, I will always come through with myself being this big

1486
01:47:00.820 --> 01:47:08.500
if you agree with me that I'm this big. But I could perform, I could show myself as this big

1487
01:47:08.500 --> 01:47:15.000
making this story happen, or as this big making this story happen. So don't worry about the story.

1488
01:47:15.500 --> 01:47:19.840
Just worry about the fact that he promised that he'd be like that. And that he promises that

1489
01:47:19.840 --> 01:47:24.340
whichever story that the two of you choose to fulfill together, and that the two of you,

1490
01:47:24.460 --> 01:47:34.820
two of you decide together, he will fulfill and that he's saying that you're saying this as it's

1491
01:47:35.380 --> 01:47:44.220
just noticed. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, look at that. Which is cool. Yeah. You were saying

1492
01:47:44.760 --> 01:47:48.420
right? Didn't you say that was a significant number he was using with you? Like the two,

1493
01:47:49.600 --> 01:47:58.760
two days after the, it was like a 22 months. I don't know the dream. It was two days after.

1494
01:47:58.840 --> 01:48:04.040
Oh, the two days after two weeks. Yeah. I bet I've been desiring it for two weeks. And then

1495
01:48:04.040 --> 01:48:08.860
two days after I had asked for it. Yes. Yeah. But yeah, 222, you know, was in the number that

1496
01:48:08.860 --> 01:48:13.760
he gave you. And you know, what was that a few weeks ago and how whenever you see numbers like

1497
01:48:13.760 --> 01:48:19.460
that, if it, it can evidence, it could be God speaking at something in alignment. And I'm

1498
01:48:19.460 --> 01:48:27.640
trying to remember what to what 2222 also is. It's been a significant verse in the season,

1499
01:48:27.640 --> 01:48:35.640
like it's the whatever door, you know, God opens like no man can shut whatever. Oh, okay. Yes. No

1500
01:48:35.640 --> 01:48:41.700
man can open. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you in all of that,

1501
01:48:41.780 --> 01:48:46.920
that there's nothing to fear because if it's to manifest in particular way, which the Lord is

1502
01:48:46.920 --> 01:48:53.360
apparently giving you a say in that, which is really special as opposed to trusting that he's

1503
01:48:53.940 --> 01:49:00.400
that giving you a say, the fact that he actually told you he is. So neither,

1504
01:49:01.140 --> 01:49:06.420
neither decision that you, the two of you make together is bad or that one is less than the

1505
01:49:06.420 --> 01:49:11.840
other. He's like, Hey, which one do you want? That's special. That's really great. So anyway,

1506
01:49:11.840 --> 01:49:18.100
he will prepare your, prepare your heart. Um, and, um, and that y'all can, that y'all can make it.

1507
01:49:18.100 --> 01:49:24.740
Until then, uh, just put your expectation on the Lord. Um, I'm trying to remember,

1508
01:49:25.140 --> 01:49:30.360
have you watched the live yet where I talked about, um, how to trust the Lord for, um,

1509
01:49:30.360 --> 01:49:35.240
promises that appear to be unfulfilled. Oh, you haven't watched that one. Okay. So I recommend

1510
01:49:35.240 --> 01:49:40.120
that you go and watch that one. It's, um, um, it's one of my more, in fact, it may be my most

1511
01:49:40.120 --> 01:49:44.740
recent live, but it was a few weeks ago. So you'll have to look down through it. But, um,

1512
01:49:45.250 --> 01:49:51.770
I think I have it labeled as, as like, uh, teachings. Like if you go, or if you look

1513
01:49:51.770 --> 01:49:56.250
at additional teachings, I think it probably has additional teachings. Look for the one that talks

1514
01:49:56.250 --> 01:49:59.970
about unfulfilled promises. It's my most recent one. Um, I recommend that you watch.

1515
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:04.640
that one, because I talk about this idea that our expectation is on the Lord, not on what

1516
01:50:04.640 --> 01:50:06.160
it is that he promised to fulfill.

1517
01:50:07.060 --> 01:50:12.200
Because his promise is actually about his character, not about the expression.

1518
01:50:13.520 --> 01:50:17.940
And so, because people were asking me, well, Ashley, what about when other people's wills

1519
01:50:17.940 --> 01:50:18.520
are involved?

1520
01:50:18.640 --> 01:50:20.420
Like for instance, for you, it would be Sam.

1521
01:50:20.620 --> 01:50:26.880
For other people, it's that they feel like God has told them, and not people in the group.

1522
01:50:27.440 --> 01:50:31.000
But I have a friend who believes that the Lord has told her that she's going to marry

1523
01:50:31.000 --> 01:50:31.560
somebody.

1524
01:50:32.600 --> 01:50:40.000
And she's been telling me, just really, I love how she's been trusting the Lord, because

1525
01:50:40.000 --> 01:50:47.020
her expectation is on the Lord, not on the man, because the man's will is involved.

1526
01:50:47.500 --> 01:50:53.720
And so, she was telling me, and I loved that she was viewing it like this, because it's

1527
01:50:54.550 --> 01:51:05.630
And that's the fact that regardless of what somebody else chooses, regardless of what

1528
01:51:05.630 --> 01:51:11.130
someone else chooses, God will always fulfill a person, the promise that he's made to someone.

1529
01:51:12.930 --> 01:51:17.890
And it may not mean that she marries that person exactly, because that other person

1530
01:51:17.890 --> 01:51:26.210
has free will, but that he, whatever that person embodied, that was a gift to her, God

1531
01:51:26.570 --> 01:51:34.030
guarantees to her that he, as her father, will give that to her, regardless of whether

1532
01:51:34.030 --> 01:51:36.930
or not it's that particular man, with that particular man's name.

1533
01:51:37.050 --> 01:51:41.750
So anyway, my point is that I mentioned in there, I talk about having expectation on

1534
01:51:41.750 --> 01:51:43.870
the Lord, not on a manifestation.

1535
01:51:44.390 --> 01:51:49.130
So if it brings up any fear right now, just don't worry about it.

1536
01:51:49.150 --> 01:51:53.010
He will prepare you to the point where it will be a joy, or the two of you can decide

1537
01:51:53.010 --> 01:51:54.730
together that you want it to work out different.

1538
01:51:54.830 --> 01:51:57.030
But he's promising that he will be that good to you.

1539
01:51:57.930 --> 01:51:58.870
That's so good.

1540
01:51:58.990 --> 01:51:59.890
That really, really helps.

1541
01:52:00.130 --> 01:52:01.750
That explanation is like, wow.

1542
01:52:01.790 --> 01:52:02.110
Yeah.

1543
01:52:02.910 --> 01:52:03.890
So much sense.

1544
01:52:04.110 --> 01:52:04.450
OK.

1545
01:52:04.450 --> 01:52:07.690
And the only other thing, which we can markle about too, because I know we're kind of

1546
01:52:07.690 --> 01:52:08.870
running, running big on time.

1547
01:52:10.710 --> 01:52:12.310
Yeah, I've got a call at 2.30.

1548
01:52:12.890 --> 01:52:13.130
Do you?

1549
01:52:13.130 --> 01:52:20.430
OK, so yeah, I can markle it to just having to do with how to kind of operate from this

1550
01:52:20.430 --> 01:52:22.070
place of rest that we're talking about.

1551
01:52:22.510 --> 01:52:30.350
But when God's put, like he gives me dreams and has put big on my heart trafficking

1552
01:52:30.530 --> 01:52:32.650
specifically, human trafficking.

1553
01:52:32.970 --> 01:52:39.250
And so it's a very, it can be a triggering thing because of just everything that's being

1554
01:52:39.250 --> 01:52:42.770
exposed and not even for sure knowing what's for sure real and true.

1555
01:52:42.770 --> 01:52:48.050
And the different, you know, just things that people like think or say.

1556
01:52:48.290 --> 01:52:53.610
But also, again, dreams like I'll have like I hear or see things and dreams having to

1557
01:52:53.610 --> 01:52:54.310
do with trafficking.

1558
01:52:54.590 --> 01:53:01.150
And so sometimes I feel like what's in that is like a responsibility.

1559
01:53:01.150 --> 01:53:06.330
And I don't know if it's just to pray, but I know there's like a lot of other things

1560
01:53:06.330 --> 01:53:10.250
he's given me to say, like this is something like I'm specifically called to and my

1561
01:53:10.510 --> 01:53:11.330
organization's called to.

1562
01:53:13.010 --> 01:53:17.310
But like what to do with that when it comes up right now and how to like take such a

1563
01:53:18.490 --> 01:53:23.250
like. Evil, you know, atrocity and something that's so like grievous and like think

1564
01:53:23.250 --> 01:53:24.890
about that from a place of.

1565
01:53:26.230 --> 01:53:29.650
Trust and rest, because that's that's a tough one.

1566
01:53:30.390 --> 01:53:31.790
Yeah. So, yeah.

1567
01:53:31.970 --> 01:53:36.010
So I will markle with you about it, but good, good.

1568
01:53:36.210 --> 01:53:37.510
I'll look forward to that.

1569
01:53:37.650 --> 01:53:39.710
It comes I'll look for you here and get thoughts on it.

1570
01:53:39.710 --> 01:53:41.290
Yeah. Yeah.

1571
01:53:41.470 --> 01:53:46.210
Good. Thank you for all the extra time that you spent and of course, let me get so much

1572
01:53:46.050 --> 01:53:48.090
out. I did not plan on that.

1573
01:53:48.530 --> 01:53:50.930
But I feel like the story stuff came out.

1574
01:53:51.090 --> 01:53:55.450
And then when you asked specifics, it was really good to be able to talk about that

1575
01:53:55.490 --> 01:53:56.530
dream and fresh.

1576
01:53:56.730 --> 01:54:00.470
Well, it's fresh, you know, and that's how to be thinking about it now the rest of the

1577
01:54:00.470 --> 01:54:01.510
day. So thank you.

1578
01:54:01.750 --> 01:54:02.990
Yes, that is huge.

1579
01:54:03.110 --> 01:54:03.870
That really is huge.

1580
01:54:04.050 --> 01:54:07.170
That dream that you had. I'm so excited the Lord gave that to you.

1581
01:54:07.170 --> 01:54:08.970
Yeah. We're good.

1582
01:54:09.030 --> 01:54:10.830
It was good to get to visit with you.

1583
01:54:10.890 --> 01:54:12.150
Always enjoy it.

1584
01:54:12.410 --> 01:54:14.290
Me too, friend. Thank you so much.

1585
01:54:14.430 --> 01:54:17.090
I hope you have a blessed rest of your day and Paul's and.

1586
01:54:18.070 --> 01:54:20.370
What not being getting used to your new place.

1587
01:54:21.530 --> 01:54:22.230
Your new place.

1588
01:54:23.050 --> 01:54:26.750
Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy staying with them, so I'm grateful for the time.

1589
01:54:27.070 --> 01:54:28.250
Yeah. It's special.

1590
01:54:28.470 --> 01:54:30.270
Some people can travel and love it.

1591
01:54:30.290 --> 01:54:31.490
And I'm one of those people.

1592
01:54:31.550 --> 01:54:33.250
So I know I know it's special.

1593
01:54:33.870 --> 01:54:35.530
Yeah. Yeah.

1594
01:54:35.530 --> 01:54:36.670
I'll talk to you soon.

1595
01:54:37.670 --> 01:54:38.690
Bye bye.

1596
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:00.360
You