Thank you.
Are you seeing me sideways. Yeah, I think it's because the zoom either the zoom won't take it sideways, or, or maybe you have to manually flip it on soon.
I wondered, I did the same thing on a zoom call with my collective girls this weekend and they were like no it's fine like we see you like normal, because I thought I have no idea why, but I don't want to do the vertical.
I'm sorry. I know there's something on zoom that will that you have to, that you have to click. Oh, you know what, I wonder.
I wonder if it mirrors, whatever I'm doing. So, so,
Oh, the host and the host and those calls that I turn, yes, and it may. And the reason why I don't do that why don't do it sideways because I prefer sideways. The reason that I know is, is because then it looks like I'm not looking at the person.
Because my eyes, you know, looking at the person too far away from the circle if the circles over here instead of up here. So that's why I stopped doing.
No, I agree. It's better. It's better. Let's do that.
Like, I don't want them to feel like I'm like never looking at him.
Right. I was like, I'll just do it.
Yes. Love it.
How are you today.
I'm good. I'm good.
Yeah.
Before we jump into anything. I've been wanting to ask you, you've got several pairs of similar looking earrings, but they're all slightly different shapes.
Leather or are they metal.
Yeah, the most of them are leather and put my gloss on because they get dry. Sometimes, um, yeah, they're, they're mostly like the leather or leather, not, you know, like vegan leather.
I think most of them are real leather, but I mean I use like vegan makeup and stuff, but I don't, I don't, I don't necessarily feel like my earrings need to be vegan.
Personally, but they do they do sell them like that too. So, um, these are real, real leather from a little place in town like a little boutique, which we don't have a lot of because we're in Springfield, Illinois, which is the capital but not like a big city, you know.
So it's a cute little boutique that a young woman started and they've got tons of cute like leather and these are the biggest I mean the longest I've ever seen, but I like the long
And then I have a gold pair like they're bright, they're like this, but they're bright gold, you know, shiny metallic and they've got the feather with two layers. So there's like the feather.
A long one with another layer shorter on top of it.
That's pretty
On Etsy, I think. And yeah, I just been loving them because they're so lightweight and I kind of wear the same few pairs over and over, but they're so lightweight. They're so different than a lot of the metal ones that get heavy. I don't know the ones that I've tried in the past, which
Yeah.
They can still be so cute, but the leather just they're just light and they feel
They bring all the texture and all that, but also feel like not heavy to wear all day. So,
Yeah, yeah, no, no, definitely makes sense.
They're all the way I know of one girl selling them out of, you know, has out of Texas, you know, just that my friend has sent me that lives in Texas now and she's got like, you know, gosh, like 200 different
Styles. I mean different colors prints everything you can think of from like little floral to stripes to every shape, color, pattern like and she just sells them
On her shop and
In Texas. So maybe I'll send that to you that link. Oh, how fun. Yeah, please do. I'd be interested to know where in Texas that she has, of course, we're pretty big state but but
We're all together.
What you're pretty big state. Yes.
I've been wondering about your, your process of of narrowing down belongings and traveling like what that
What that looks like if you're like just trusting day by day, or if you know kind of when and where are parts of where
Yeah, I'm just, I'm just
I don't even know fully how to describe it to someone else. I know what it is I'm doing, but I don't fully know how to describe someone else because I guess
It's okay.
The reason which is the reason that I asked people to, you know, post at least three Facebook posts a week.
About their and about their, their journey, you know, just mentioning different things along their, their journey because it gives them
At least three times a week in order to force themselves to articulate what they're going through. And so you see that I haven't articulated that and I hadn't
For for someone else. It's just kind of like it's knowing that I have it. Oh, this is how I do it, but I haven't even articulated for myself.
Like what what what I'm doing and how I'm doing it so
Yeah, I get this would give me a good opportunity right here.
So you don't have to either
No problem at all.
I guess I'm just and I am just asking the Lord, you know, just
The two of us are just making decisions as we go.
About about how we're about where we're going to go, what we're going to do and and I and I do it the same way that I, you know, recommend to everybody else about, you know, peace and all of that.
In fact, there was something that I wanted to do a while back. I wanted to go like a week or two ago. I wanted to go to Montana.
And I wanted to do that first instead of doing the shorter little loop and to to doubt back to Dallas on on in August.
I wanted to, I wanted my short trip to be up to Montana, because I have a full month. So it's like, or I did so long story about how all of that again change.
But it doesn't bother me that it changes because you know i i
I don't plan really far ahead. I just have like test and see. Okay, so. And so, will, would you like me to come visit. Oh, yes, you would. Okay, well, would you these states work for you. Well, actually, these states for for me and
And right whatever so well and so because I'm just planning flexibly just like, okay, well, let's see what happens. And then I test to see where where my
Pieces that in order to understand where my current faith is that where the Father's heart is currently at and I wanted to go to Montana and everything was like looking perfect.
Except I did not have peace.
I wanted to go badly and everything but but he that was not where my piece of that and I didn't, I didn't suddenly get peace until I asked until I I
Thought about, okay, what about doing that a little art or, you know, Louisiana, Arkansas and Dallas, and I was going to go to Houston, but my friend that I was going to visit Houston tested positive for coven
And that's why
I remember that.
Yeah. So anyway, so because of that.
That font. So I'm actually here at my brother and sister in law's house for the next two weeks. They graciously invited me to stay here.
For two weeks, which is special to me because it's going to give me special time with them special time with my little nephew.
And anyway, so that's what I'm going to do for the next two weeks instead of being Houston. But anyway, so finally, when I made those plans.
Everything my spirit to settle down like okay apparently this is what I'm supposed to do so I I just I'm learning more and more about
Because I'm actually having you because you actually have to walk it out again God's extended boundaries and the measure of how I'm operating rest. So I'm and I'm understanding more and more.
By experientially that okay so this is what it's, it's like to just effortlessly flow with the Lord, including in travel plans and when you're trying to coordinate things with a whole bunch of other people. And so
Then you've got the whole coven thing thrown in the mix. And the fact that I've got a little dog with me thrown in the mix. And so some people, you know, may not be interested in having somebody stay with them. Yes, a little dog.
Um, so, and having to try to avoid states that that don't want Texans
Flare up
Whatever.
But that kind of also narrows it. I mean, it can
you can think of it as being more specifications, but that sort of also kind of helps you. Yeah,
I was gonna say, so what's the overall time frame of like, are you traveling indefinitely or have
has he said a month or is it like, yeah, indefinitely. Okay. And then yeah, that's
awesome. And then when you're, has he given you vision for like what you're doing, traveling,
what, what, what I'm doing, well, I'm learning to, um, abide in him and, and, um, and trust in him
fully for my provision in my protection, obviously for my identity as well. But, you know,
because I'm on the road, a single woman, little dog, you know, in the world's eyes,
that can look scary. It can be wise. It could be whatever it is that they want to label it.
And, um, and so just to just trust. And that's why I asked the Lord is that God, I think that this
is what you want me to do. But, um, if it really is something that you're asking, could you give
me a personal invitation? Because I would like something to look back on when my soul is in the
middle of struggling when I'm somewhere and I'm, and my soul is struggling because I don't feel
provided for, or I feel scared or whatever. I need, I, I would really like something to look
on and remember for sure, kind of like an anchor that yes, I know for sure that you are the one
who invited me to do this. We don't always have those very clear cut things like a dream. Um, uh,
often, um, and, and we don't always have the, um, the, I don't know, such solid assurance
that we can't deny in our spirit that God is telling us to do something that we can't deny it.
So I was really grateful that this time the Lord chose to do that because there are other times
where we think that the Lord has told us to do something. And we really do have to choose
to trust that that really was the Lord. And we really were hearing him and we step out and act
on it anyway. So we don't always have something that, that, um, that talks to our soul in the way
that our soul wants that insurance. It's kind of like a security blanket, but, um, so, but this
time, you know, I, I asked him for it and I, and it wasn't just the assurance. I told him, I was
like, Lord, it would be really special for me. If you, as my lover would invite me to take this
adventure with you. So for me, there was also this aspect of a relationship that I was asking him for
of like, Lord, I would like to do this with you. And I would like to hear and feel your heart,
you know, draw me towards you. Um, as so that it's not just something that I'm doing or that,
you know, you're asking me to do. It's something it's a, it's an aspect of, of, of, uh, of intimacy.
And I'd like to just kind of feel that, that draw for intimacy with you. So anyway,
that was part of it. I think, uh, uh, uh, cause that's what I asked for. And I believe that
might be part of the reason why he decided to give me a dream. Cause I don't, I didn't even
ask for a dream. I just asked for kind of like affirmation confirmation, but he gave it to me
and, um, and I was just really excited, um, again, because it was like, uh, kind of like a man
proposing or something. That's what it was like to me. It was like this, this invitation to take
this adventure with him. And the point of it was the relationship aspect, like he, like he invited
you in the dream. Like what are you saying? It was like that. Well, that's what I'd asked him for
was when I asked him, I said, you know, as my lover, would you invite me to take this adventure
with you? And I meant that I'm going to end like this, this, um, this, uh, draw of, uh,
an invitation into relationship. And so the way that he ended up doing it was the dream,
but it's what I asked for. And, uh, and so I knew when he met it, that that's what he was doing.
He was meeting my request that he is my lover would invite me to take an adventure. And the
intention when I asked him was in fact, I may even send that to him actually, you know, it's like,
Lord, uh, you know, kind of like, like a man proposes to a woman. I said that type of an
invitation, um, would you, would you do that? Um, in other words, to be, to be a part of you to,
um, et cetera. So anyway, um, so in the dream, did he do that? Like what, what was the dream?
Oh, I'm sorry. It must've been in a, in a Q and a that I haven't uploaded yet.
Oh, no. Um, and I haven't gotten to all the Q and a's either, so there's no way. Yeah. Oh,
okay. Actually not the recent ones, even the recent ones. I bet you that that one, I haven't.
which is which I'm normally oh my word I normally so more much more Johnny on the
spot but with everything that's been just up in the air and the emotional
or spiritual shifting I'm going through there's a lot it feels like a lot of
moving parts and I'm trying to let you go everything which is fine it's just
part of the spiritual maturing process yeah so a lot of us are in like I'm
like last night the reason why I couldn't I couldn't jump on the call is
my best friend and her husband that had that had let me stay with him and you
know for all it for almost a year now and then had it and then after we moved
her parents but we moved me out of the garage apartment and our parents into
the apartment I moved into their guest bedroom and have been there for three
weeks so I was leaving last night my brother can't drive up there about an
hour away from his house drove up there to pick me up okay and and it helps me
pack the last of the things I have left and and they also were gonna have a
special dinner for me that they made very special with all their family you
know to tell me goodbye and all of that and you know because I've been there for
almost a year and I've been there with their little boys for a year and then
they were through all of these all these changes and all these milestones in
their life so there was that and I because they'd asked me for that I'd
forgotten to change my calendar because my calendars don't always jive and I
really have to make an effort to to to consciously make sure that they're
always that I remember to make them think anyway so I'd already made all
these obligations right and my brother came up and moved me and so we moved and we
didn't get in here we didn't get here until like maybe 10 30 last night yeah
we were still unpacking yeah so yeah so anyway it's just just a lot of a lot of
things I'm doing and I'm trying to honor everybody's honor everybody's time and
the commitments and whatever that I've made to everybody and that's so
sometimes it feels like I'm not well and keeping all the balls in the air but
what it just means is that it's given me an opportunity to remember that there is
therefore now no shame or condemnation and you know people are still gonna love
me anyway it's gonna be okay and then I just learned how to I just learned how
to navigate the new season and it can feel very bumpy along the way so the
reason I'm sharing all of this with you is to let you know you know it's we're
all on this journey together we're all figuring it out and God's all you know
hadn't gotten uploaded in the from the Q&A yet at the dream was I it was okay
so this was interesting so for about two weeks God had put it on my heart to
start traveling but I didn't know that that was him until and for about two
weeks and all of a sudden that the desire in me started changing and I
thought wait a minute that type of the desire feels like God it no longer feels
like only something I want to do there's a there's a like this solid
assurance in it you've probably felt this with your business you know where
or you get this idea and then all sudden something in you changes and you're like
wait a minute I think that the Lord has a hand on it you know and there's
there's more substance to it you know what I'm saying anyway so it started
changing like that after two weeks and that's when I asked the Lord Lord I
think this is from you if so could you affirm it to me two nights later so in
I've been wanting this for two weeks but two nights after I asked him for
confirmation he came to me in the dream and I was on an atlas and there was like
this big old map atlas and and I was standing on the state of Texas and God
was walking from the state of Texas across the southern United States
towards Florida and he turned back and looked at me and gestured and he said
you want to come with me and I jolted awake I was like that was it that was
the invitation I asked for so that was the dream yeah that's amazing wow I love
that I love that yeah so anyway enough about me oh what how are you doing how
are things going I've enjoyed our Marco Polo's back and forth this past week
me too me too um yeah it's it's good there's so much you know so much going
on but also you know focusing on on this this invitation the gift of you know a
season to to press in and to learn and rest and to yeah just go deeper you know
deeper with the Lord
or just really all that we've talked about,
you know, we're shifting into just another,
a whole other level of faith and trust
in kind of every single area of life.
But meanwhile, he's still, you know, within that,
it's like, he's still speaking about, you know,
various things like he doesn't want me to,
like he's saying, it doesn't mean you completely stop this
or it doesn't mean you isolate here
or you still need, and these women still need,
you know, and just speaking to me about
what it does look like in that reset,
because he said, like, it's a rest and reset.
And so a lot of the things that we were heading toward,
you know, I think in some ways it can feel
like almost a punishment when you kind of hit this,
like, well, some course correction and some like,
you know, for me, like I mentioned to you that there was,
I had a potential partner in my coaching business
and I considered her a close friend
and that the way that that unfolded and what happened there,
like I had pushed myself to sort of make up for the changes
like that kept happening,
but weren't being really spoken out by her.
It was kind of like, I was like feeling
and noticing these changes and my business coach,
you know, James was noticing these things,
but then it was like, no, no, no, but it's fine, it's fine.
Or like, oh, yeah, I can only, you know,
do these very specific hours coaching,
which actually completely conflicted with what I could do.
It was kind of like a, it was like last minute stuff
where like, we're about to go into, you know,
not pre-launch, but actually, you know,
actually doing this and you're saying, you know,
a week before as all these different projects
are wrapping up and there's just a lot of project management
to get, you know, just get things in order.
And a lot of things we were doing with James,
like you're saying that you can only coach these times
and it would literally not even like work
with the time and availability that I have with,
you know, my children and it's not, it's just not,
it's not even feasible, but it's fine, it's fine.
You know, like, and so,
but there was like a lot more to that, you know,
that's just an example of how I was trying
to navigate something that was very,
like I was trying to be understanding
and very like accommodating, but in doing so, you know,
and then with my own patterns,
like I was showing me of like the taking on so much
and striving and some of those like codependency,
like old, you know, default things
where I was allowing myself to be treated a certain way
and to be like, to take on and take on and take on more
to make up for, oh yeah, I know she has three little ones
and her kids are with her full time and it's COVID.
And so, you know, I'll just do this more thing over here
and I'll just, I'll take this on for us
and, you know, take that off for her shoulders too.
And so I was just piling more on myself.
And then all the while there were like the breakdowns
in whatever was going on with her
and whatever was going on with ultimately, you know,
unexpectedly with that relationship ending
and her choosing to completely pull out of not just,
you know, the business potential, but everything
and specifically wrote to all of my,
every woman in my organization
and basically slandered me and told them that she,
you know, was like basically cursing my ministry
under the guise of, you know,
I'm wise and I'm a prophet and kind of thing.
And so that was like the disillusionment that came with that
because I had been running so hard
and then the Lord was like, and it felt,
it was spiritual attack too,
in the sense that, you know,
these things were happening where like,
how to explain this?
Like where I'm then responsible for,
I feel, you know, just genuinely a responsibility for like,
these are my people, you know,
these are like my closest women.
And there's, you know, now 50, 60 women who are,
not only am I trying to recover from this,
this sort of unexpected thing and this really harsh reaction
and now like what feels like a betrayal,
even though of course, you know,
I bless her and pray for her and all that.
And then the loss of that potential, you know,
partner and person in this,
but then all these women are getting these messages
and they're being, you know,
basically brought into something
and said, this is like the biblical way to deal with it.
When, you know, when you really love somebody,
you don't like admonish them or correct them
behind their back and in harsh and cruel ways,
like you go to them and love.
And so it was very confusing for everyone,
but then I had those personal relationships
with each woman.
So there was like an extra weight of, you know,
now not only am I trying to understand what just happened
and kind of how did I not see this
and what is happening and what she's saying.
about me, is there truth to that?
Like, I want to be open more to whatever, you know,
and just certain things that he was showing me,
but it didn't mean that what she was saying
or how she did it was okay, or that that was true.
Even if he was telling me, yes,
this is an opportunity to slow down,
or you need more healing,
it didn't make what she was saying true.
It didn't mean that, well, you know,
like I told you about kind of drawing these connections
where I found myself going, well, then,
if that's true with all these like shame kind of thoughts
and things really surfacing with shame,
well, then, does that mean that what she did,
I deserved it, and was that okay?
Maybe she was right about me,
and, you know, all these different things
were coming up at the same time,
but all in all, it was exhausting.
The point is that it was exhausting
with the push that I was making
to get things off the ground with us,
all the slack that I was picking up
and taking on myself, trying to do the right thing,
you know, trying to be understanding and helpful
and carry, you know, more than I should have
because I thought she was gonna come around
and I was giving her a little bit of a boost
through her situation and COVID and all that,
and then the hit of this unexpected, really hurtful thing
and the way it affected the organization
and all these women that then I had
one-on-one people reaching out.
I mean, it was beautiful in the sense
that they were discerning
without even knowing what was going on.
Like I had women having dreams for me.
I had women like reaching out and going, are you okay?
Like I sensed, I just, are you doing all right?
Like that didn't normally, you know, do that,
that we would talk, but we wouldn't necessarily
one-on-one message and things like that.
Even those women were just like coming out of the woodwork
and God was just putting it on their heart, I guess.
And so there was a whole lot of beauty that came out of it
in terms of seeing these women rise up
and seeing them discern for themselves,
see them actually say, no, this is like,
this is not going to bring this unity.
This is not, we're not gonna allow this to stand,
staying by each other and staying by me
and not allowing that dissension.
And just really fighting for me when I was like,
I felt like I literally, girl,
I felt like I had been hit by a train.
Like I never, I've gone through hard things,
but I haven't ever described it with the word
feeling disoriented or disillusioned.
Like I felt so, there was a component of like,
I was having some of those nights,
like the one where she had like befriended me
and left the group and was sending all these messages
and everything, like I got searing ear pain
and the ear pain came back, like went away,
went to my chiropractor, prayed through all of that.
And then the ear pain came back in the same ear,
the exact same ear pain a week later
and went to the day she sent another round
of slanderous messages.
And it was like, even just the physical, like I felt it,
you know what I mean?
I felt it, I didn't wanna feel it, I didn't know,
but I knew just, even though I'm newer to some of like
that feeling, sensing, like in the spirit stuff,
I knew that it was, it wasn't like not connected,
not that I felt like good about, you know,
the fact that I was feeling some physical like
manifestations and the exhaustion and just the mental
kind of spiritual disillusionment of discouragement,
you know, like what is happening and what did I do wrong?
And, you know, what does this mean for what's next?
And just ultimately going, I can't go on,
like I can't just pick up and move on.
And that's where I met you, you know,
that's when the timing of when I reached out to you
because the Lord had been speaking that whole weekend
about rest and was like, rest, rest, rest,
like he was just speaking in various ways about that scene.
And I was realizing I can't just pick up
and just move forward.
Like James, I can't just, yeah,
I'm not gonna let it get me down
as in I'm not gonna give up on this call and my purpose,
but I don't know what just happened.
And I can't just like kind of dust off, you know,
dust it off this time and just keep going.
It was like, it was, I don't know how to explain it.
It was just too obvious that there needed to be a reset,
that there needed to be a restoration like time
and that the Lord was gonna speak to what was next.
Cause clearly I didn't try to start this.
I didn't, this has been what he's put on my heart.
It wasn't something I like set out to do.
And when I had done that in the past
and it wasn't time and it didn't go,
it didn't really take off and whatever,
I had really laid it down.
And so I thought like, this is probably like a few years out.
And when he said in the fall,
he said, gather the women that I send you
and I'm gonna do the rest.
And so I was like, what, like now?
Cause like, I thought we were talking like a few more years
because I had been so surrendered at that point
with all of that.
Just not that I ever lost the desires,
but just that I felt like, man,
I was just laid out from everything with my divorce.
And I knew that I needed to be at a good place.
And so I'm like, surely you don't mean right now.
But, um, but it was really from him.
It wasn't something that I was, you know, not that there was perfection in like,
obviously I need to work through whatever was striving and, and a new, a new way,
but it didn't mean that just because he was bringing me into this, this new,
um, Paradigm and bringing me freedom that he had promised me, you know, and
he's brought me other lots of healing and freedom, so it's not like just
this happened that that means this, or that means I like, um, didn't hear him,
right.
Or that means that I went ahead of him.
Or that means like, you know, when we try to make meaning of stuff, like, well,
maybe this is happening.
That's that therefore means that I shouldn't be doing this or I'm on the wrong.
I'm not on the right track.
Um, fast, fast forward.
A lot of what he's been speaking in this, you know, five weeks or so, um,
is, you know, that, that yes, it's truly is a rest and reset and that it's a gift
and not a punishment, even though it felt like a punishment in person, especially
as I questioned myself so much, like, what did I do wrong?
How did I miss this?
How could I have let this happen to my, you know, my women, like, imagine if,
you know, you quadrupled the size of your, your current group, and then this
happens, someone came in and, you know, you let them close to your people and
yourself and, you know, and then that kind of all just fell apart.
So shockingly, it was like, you know, just very, yeah, just very like shocking.
But at the same time, it was, he also used that, he used that shock to, you
know, sometimes it's a jolt awake and it is like a, it's not a punishment, but
it's, you know, it's an opportunity or a gift.
And so that's kind of what he's just been revealing is that this doesn't
mean that you did something wrong.
It doesn't mean that, you know, just because you're seeing now where you have
been thinking wrong or going about things in a faulty way, doesn't mean that it
hasn't been from your heart or that this isn't still my heart for you or that I'm
not behind this and still like loving these women.
Does that make sense?
Like, I've been curious, what's the timeframe of all of this?
You said something about the fall.
So it's the fall when you started and then when did, and then how long have
you been planning with the, with the business partner?
And then when did things start falling out with business partner?
I've just been curious.
I always like time.
So that always kind of helps me.
So I could do that.
Um, so yeah, it was in the fall, which was like a huge, a huge growth kind of
shift, a huge shift.
I'm like, do I, like, you know, you mix your words.
Um, so it was, it was in the fall, which was also, um, the time that he led me
from having, you know, called me away from religion, like religious churches
and said, you know, take us like completely just kind of walk away and
trust me to lead you to a community.
So at the very same time that I found this online community, it was a
prophetic, um, mentorship kind of family through the Johnstons.
I don't know if you know them, they're Australian, but, um, amazing people.
Well, same time as I found them and I didn't have anyone like, as in, I had
just decided like with the Lord, like I'm going to be completely single.
Um, I have no family here, you know, I'm single mom to two girls and our
situation is quite complex and I literally don't have family.
And so I had no church family or no family.
And he brought me to this mentorship group online at the same time, he
introduced me to a local house church.
And so that was in September.
Um, and then by yeah, by October is when he said, you know, gather the women.
And so October, you know, um, just began personal conversations.
I like praying, I would pray and more to highlight somebody.
Somebody.
And then I asked her, you know, when I, I felt led to like, ask her to pray
on it and kind of share the vision.
Um, and it was just a miraculous things where it's just like person after
person that, that, you know, would have her own version of the story, but it
would be like, oh my goodness, that's wild.
Cause this has been the dream he's put in my heart or like Isaiah 61, three
is like my light verse, or I was just reading that yesterday, or I haven't
been able to stop reading that chapter for like the past month.
And I, you know, now I know why, like just so much in the way of connecting
over, over the vision and the calling.
And so it was like, you know, a lot of just letting that happen.
Like the whole thing was like, this is going to be spirit led and I'm not pushing.
I'm not trying to push something, but I'm also, I'm not going to hang
back in the shadows anymore either.
Like, I'm going to just do what he tells me to do.
And so, yeah, so it was October, November, December holidays and all of that.
Then January, February is when it was like kind of a, that was one of those
periods where he said like, just don't 2020 hit and it was like, don't,
don't be on social media so much.
Don't, don't, he was like not letting me necessarily push things forward,
but he was just letting it sit, you know, just kind of letting it simmer.
Um, so we were still, we were still together.
It was just not as much activity.
Um,
and things in our groups and lives and different things. But just more of like we were all supposed
to seek him in a secret place, you know, primarily. And then came, was it February?
February, I think is when, her name's Cynthia, is when we had been, you know, in conversation
throughout this over Messenger, because she was in Canada. But we had been in conversation and
getting to know each other over those months or whatever. And it just was like some different,
specific things about our visions were coming out and the life coaching that she had done and just,
you know, what she felt like I was putting on her heart. And it seemed like, okay, let's pray
about whether this is aligning for more of a partnership than just like being sisters. And
so that's when we began that discussion. And then I brought James, like he and I had been talking
and he, you know, I was slow to engage with him because I, you know, I wasn't looking for a
business. I wasn't looking for, even though I had already said a couple years ago, it was basically
the collective I knew, coaching. And then there was a shock component, like of highlighting
female artists and creatives and eventually wanting to support women in various countries who
do their own art or, you know, make their own products. And so being able to support trafficking
and various women coming out of different abuse and things like that. So I knew those three
components, but I wasn't, when God said, you know, gather the women I'm sending you, I was just
thinking collective. And so that was not, coaching was not on my primary, like I was working full
time, supporting people in, you know, through trauma, grief, various mental health and emotional
health kind of issues and, you know, spiritual too. And that was through something called the
warm line, which is like a support line. That's not a crisis line, but a place to talk and really
just find support, you know, people to advocate with and for you to kind of figure out your next
for wellness and all of that. So I was helping people in that capacity. And then it was like
that job ended and God told me it was going to happen. And he warned me, which I love that
there's times he gives either like warning dreams or some kind of vision. And so I knew I had,
was able to have like supernatural peace in that, even though it was, again, one of those
situations that was like, Oh, I thought this was going to be a thing. And I thought this person
was my friend, you know, and just a lot of stuff, you know, that you're like, and you're like, how
do I keep ending up in these relationships? Like, is there something wrong with me is, you know,
the shame question, right? Is there something wrong with me that I keep trusting people?
And I mean, in a sense, there is a lack of discernment and he's, you know, bringing greater
discernment to who I trust and who I let in. And that has been a theme coming from the home I grew
up in and so much, just so much abuse and codependency that just was kind of always there.
And I can see that pattern. I can see him growing each time in seeing, you know, with those
eyes before I let somebody so close, but it happens. It just, sometimes, sometimes it happens.
And you really, you know, are giving someone the benefit of the doubt and, and just trying to love
them and not make any assumptions. And sometimes it still happens that relationship, you know,
that they're not ultimately for you or that they don't, you know, a person doesn't end up being
somebody that's safe to have close to you. And so that kind of, you know, showed up in the job
ending too. And, but he had given me that vision and said, basically a few months prior, he said,
while I was listening to my mentor, like on a live, he was talking about taking huge steps of
faith. He was like, you know, he was like, you're going to step out, like before you even see the
stone appear in front of you, like that kind of like leap of faith after, after a leap of faith.
Like, and, and so during this topic, as I'm listening on a break from work, the Lord said,
like, I'm moving you into greater things. And I was like, okay, like I finally have,
you know, as a single mom, I finally have a full-time job. I can like support my family.
And that's, that was hard to come by and figure out with our unique situation, my children's needs
and everything that we're going through with intention, intense court battles and different
things that were taking me away from, you know, work and being able to commit to that. And I was
like, what do you mean, you know, okay. And then I remember walking up the stairs, listening back to
my office and well, prior to that, I looked over on the big window in this attorney's office,
huge window. And it said in huge giant letters, the last name of the guy, my mentor, the exact
last name and the same spelling. And it was like, okay. And then he basically said, yeah, you're,
you're not going to be here as long as you thought you were. As I opened the door to my office,
he was like, you're not going to be here as long as you thought. And he said, he had greater things.
And when I opened the door to the office, I literally, everything looked different. Like
the entire office.
this, like all the cubicles look smaller, the doorways look smaller.
Like everything just looked different.
And I just knew in my spirit, like he was saying that.
So fast forward, that job ended.
And what that meant was what was the collective, which has just
always been the ministry piece, the nonprofit, the, the sisterhood,
you know, um, vision for creative women for the kingdom.
It was like, Now, now it's like, well, maybe it is time to do some
coaching because that makes so much sense alongside this, you know?
And women need discipled and want this.
And it makes a lot of sense.
So that's where long story short, that's where we started February,
March, talking about it.
Then we decided to make the decision with James.
Um, but all the connections that we had, both with all the women that
were in that one by one, you know, were brought, I mean, those were all
relationships that I personally invested in and then brought in and pray, you
know, prayed through, got to know that woman, you know, um, Of course
she had to pray and felt led to be part of this and then ongoing those
relationships.
So adding to that over time, you know, plus the mentors and coaches we had
were all people that I was bringing in.
So it was like, I knew, I just thought that, you know, when, when she said
she wanted to be like a partner, like an equal partner, I just, I really
thought that anytime now it was like, she's showing up more of an
consulting kind of way for me, someone to bounce things off of and bring
strategy sometimes or ideas.
But I just thought like, okay, anytime now, like she's going to kick in with
some, some of these other aspects of, of what it takes to move forward and run a
business.
And it never happened.
And so it just kept getting piled on me.
And so from March and the March, I think we started with James.
We met with him April, you know, weekly.
He has like weekly and weekly group calls and your weekly one-on-ones and
April, April, May.
So April, May and into the beginning of June, we met with him and had kind of
our, our, you know, planning phase.
And that was when everything went down.
I think the second week of June with, with what happened with her.
And so that, that just was when, like, that's where we pick up where I just,
you know, kind of told you about the Lord, just like allowing that too.
It was, it was, I was stunned and I was, I was hurt and I was also just stopped in
my tracks, you know, like I can't, I don't, I want to say that I want to keep
moving on because this is my heart, but I know that I can't just plow through.
I can't just pick right back up.
Like, not only are there all these relationships that I'm kind of trying to
us as an organization through a men, you know, what happened with not only me,
because she brought all these women into it, which is just mind blowing.
You know, you're like, Oh my goodness.
You know, but you brought all the people that I introduced you to that I let you
close to that I personally brought to the organization.
You went behind my back and slandered me to them and told them not to trust me or
believe my leadership abilities.
And then now I'm going and trying to mend every personal relationship with these
women to make sure that they feel, you know, ready to move forward and that
they're okay too, because they were impacted too.
And like I said, they rose up and they were amazing through it.
And you know, maybe a couple of girls kind of made their way out of the group.
And that was totally fine.
Cause I was praying and I still believe there, there probably might be a few that
might be led elsewhere, you know, that ultimately, but he was like, this was his
grace to not allow us to plow right into the next thing with this imbalance or
whatever it was the wrong people there, because it could have been that two weeks
later, I mean, it could have been, I mean, imagine if I would have actually
introduced this person to my entire community in the sense that this, this
was like my small group of people I love that I, that I let her close to, but I
mean, I didn't introduce her to like publicly or or announce any kind of
partnership or coaching.
Like we hadn't gotten to that and it was right before, like right before.
So I was, you know, saved from that.
Um, that would have added so much more complexity to it.
And I'm thankful for that, but it definitely was just, yeah, that, that like,
okay, I know that I can't just move forward and, and forget what just happened
because this says something, it says something and I know it says something.
Try not to let it like say something about me in a, in a detrimental way that,
that like crushes my spirit, you know, but like it says something like, I'm not
going to like dismiss it either and not learn from it or dismiss what my heart
is saying and what I feel like the Lord is saying that there's something in this.
There's, there's, there's.
a deeper healing because if that could happen and I didn't see it coming, you know what I mean? Then,
and that's been a pattern in my life, like, especially with men, but now it's even happening
in friendships. And like, you know, I want to be able to, to really look at that before I just,
I try to help other, other women, not that I'm not still helping them, but just like in a way
that would be really in that leadership role, um, and business. And so it was, it was like,
I have to obey. I have to, I have to obey. I want to, and I don't even feel like I can't,
like I would feel wrong about moving forward right now for whatever reason, like the Lord
just making it so clear. And I had to have that conversation with James to say, you know,
regardless of what it means for our relationship or whether we work together moving forward or
whether you need to part ways, you know, now, or if you feel like you can pick this back up,
like, I have to be honest about like everything that I do. It comes from, you know, the spirit
of God. Like I don't make decisions that I do not feel peace about that. I don't feel that he's,
he's behind and I cannot, even though we've committed to each other, you poured so much
into me. I'm so grateful. I really truly am. And yet, even though I want to be able to, to,
you know, do what we've been talking about and, and, you know, and be a go getter in the sense of
like, you know, let's do this and, and please you in that way, like that we're actually seeing the
fruit of our labor. I, I can't in this moment, I don't have anything to give you. I don't have
a timeline. I don't have peace about it being now. And I don't know when it's going to be.
So there's that, you know, like, ah, he was great. You know, he's been great through it. And I still
have all the answers about what it means. Like, is, are we going to pick back up Lord?
You know, when are we going to pick back up? Is it going to be James? Is it not going to be James?
Is it, you know, those are all questions that I've been laying on his feet and just really,
really allowing him to work out in his time. But it is like a
total, like everything, I mean, because that was going to be potential, like income, you know,
an income source. And here I am with my current situation with my ex-husband, he was ordered to
pay what they call maintenance, which is the same word, like as alimony because I was a teacher.
And then I left my teaching career for our kids. And for his business, we had a business together
and he ended up getting the business because he's the hands-on, he's the chiropractor. And so
what was our business quickly became his. And I didn't, there wasn't really any,
there weren't really any assets or anything because of how many, many times we'd moved,
how many times we had moved around the country, how much we had lost in the way of momentum and
money. And he was not making it well in business and things were just not going well and being,
being blessed. And I mean, just amazing that we lived through it all. Like it was just bad.
And so, you know, in order for me to get out on my own, I mean, basic baseline is like,
they, they order, you know, she was to stay at home. Mom left her career for four years.
Here's now what, you know, you have to pay this maintenance like child support type of thing.
But just for the fact that she left her career for yours and stayed home with the children for
this many, you know, many months. And so because we,
knowing that here, I'm trying to plan, right. I'm trying to be wise and go, okay,
knowing that that time comes in October where that maintenance ends and my income is then no
longer, I mean, it's already been a struggle to make consistent income to fully meet our needs,
even with the help of, you know, a monthly stipend and payment. Like it's, it's still a challenge.
I don't know why it just is like a lot of times when you're in this position and end up in kind of
those either minimum wage, or it's like, you know, maybe $15 an hour is like good,
you know, to find which is just still not hardly even just paying the bills. And so
I'd done marketing, I had done different, different things, you know, just kind of fill
in the gaps and then, and then ended up in this mental health field for a year.
Um, but even, even our university down the road from where I live, it's like for them to be in
the mental health, like to be a caseworker, you know, and just in supporting families and things
there, they pay you like $13 an hour, you know, it's, I mean, it's insane. And it's such a low
paying position where you're taking on so much in the way of like, you're basically like a peer
support. I mean, as a caseworker, you're not a counselor, but you're like a peer type counselor.
So emotionally, you know, you're taking on a lot energy wise, you're pouring out a lot being
available to families, you know, by by way of phone or text, things like that. And you're just
getting paid peanuts. So the point
is that I was trying to be wise and go like,
okay, Lord, knowing that October's coming,
this makes sense now with COVID, this job ending and COVID,
this seems to make sense all the way around.
Like with what you called us to with the collective,
with all these women, the heart and the vision
and the need for mentorship and coaching and discipleship,
this could get us to a place where we're not in need
and scrambling by October,
especially when that income completely goes away
and it's all on me.
And so I'm completely trusting him because I don't know.
Like, I don't know at all.
And it's not, you know, like, I mean,
so many people would say like,
oh my goodness, and you have children,
like, you know, you really need to think about this.
You need to go, you know, you need to go to every,
go start knocking on doors is what they would say.
I mean, I've been told this in recent months, okay?
And I'm not, and I'm not, and it's like,
I don't, I'm not trying to be lazy.
I just, I just don't, I just can't.
I just don't have anything in me, any gumption to,
cause I've tried, I mean, trust me, I've tried.
I have been in striving mode.
I have tried to do it all.
I've, you know, and, but I know,
I know that he knows that in order for me to sustain
whatever he's called me to, I don't, I'm not,
maybe I should care more about finances than I do,
but I just, for at least two and a half years,
I've said, God, I just feel,
I feel called to ministry full time.
Like, I don't know how you want to support that.
I don't know what it looks like.
Like, even when I'm talking about with business,
I want it to be able to flow
to where it feels like ministry,
even though, yes, there's going to be finances
that are going to have to fund even a nonprofit.
I want to be full-time doing what you tell me to do
and just trusting that my needs
are going to get met through that.
But I don't care about any extra beyond
just how you meet my needs.
You know, like I don't, but at the same time, you know,
I don't know, at a time like this,
when it's like COVID halted even the marketing jobs
that I had, because they were small businesses.
And then I tried to do the coaching thing
and take that, you know, time to invest in that
while COVID's going on and take a part-time barista job.
And then he says, hold on.
And so I'm holding on and continue,
I mean, continuing to work the part-time barista.
It's like, you know, halftime, it's like 20 hours.
But that's what I'm, I'm just like,
I'm totally trusting you even bigger than normal,
because, you know, here nobody knows what's going to happen.
They're actually talking about with school here.
It's completely up in the air.
They don't know if they're going to do remote learning,
like homeschooling, which would force parents
to have to be home with the children,
which no one knows how.
Then how will parents work and provide like single moms?
Like how, you know, or they're talking about half days
and they're talking about either voting
between half day, I don't even understand the logic
behind a lot of this, but ultimately my heart
is that I would homeschool my kids.
I would love to unschool, homeschool.
I have a teaching degree, like, yes, you know,
like in ideally that would be beautiful and it would be,
I would be, I mean, that's what I envisioned, you know,
when I had two children and wanted more, you know,
and what I saw in family life was all these things,
you know, that we were going to live for the Lord,
that we were going to, you know, feed our kids whole foods
and, you know, care for their health
on all these different levels and not necessarily
just do what everybody else does.
And that if we wanted to homeschool or unschool
or whatever, that we would.
And I had all this education and teaching background
to feel kind of extra supportive.
Not that you need that, but I did.
And, you know, taught little ones.
It's like, what, you know, this is the family life.
And then everything crumbled and everything fell apart.
And, you know, the gist of that is that, you know,
when you asked the other day,
when you ended your last polo,
you mentioned that you were curious about that setup.
Like, you know, I don't, I don't,
I would assume your kids are around,
but I don't, you know, see them like,
and I'm sure you were just curious
and it was just totally great and beautiful and fine.
It makes complete sense that you would be.
But I think in that moment, it was like,
not just because of you, just cause like, I miss my kids.
Like, it's like the biggest heartache that I have.
Like that, yeah, they're not with me.
Like, you're right.
Like they really should be.
And it would make sense that, you know,
even with my situation right now,
I have a couple of days off a week that I would at least have them on those days.
But I don't like this is, and there's so much, you know,
backstory to that, that it's like, I can tell you the gist of it, but you know,
there's all this stuff that comes up with like,
people don't understand or they don't have any context to try to understand
what we've, what we've been through.
And then there's all the trying to explain it or just feeling the shame of
potentially, I don't necessarily feel like this, but just, you know,
trying to explain something
that's so painful and that's so doesn't make sense because it's not,
it's not right. It's not just,
but then when you're trying to explain that can sound like you're not taking
responsibility because you're telling the story of this injustice.
When ultimately I own my life and I own, you know,
that I made, you know,
these decisions and I don't regret them because of my children and how I've
grown through it to, to marry this person. And then, you know,
it wasn't my decision to go through any of this afterward,
like the divorce and all that, but it was a result of, you know,
who I married. And,
but that's not like something that God's faulting me for holding against me.
It's not something that I deserved in the aftermath. Um, but there's this,
like, you know, people think, well, can't you just, I mean,
the courts would, they'd understand this, right? Or can't you just try this?
Or can you try that?
Or there's like a gazillion ideas for how we can maybe
problem solve, like with the injustice of the situation. And yet
none of them yet work like, yes,
it's worth pursuing options and we've done that with attorneys for four years,
over four years. But it is, it is so complex. It's like,
it's, it's something that only God can do. Ultimately. It doesn't mean we stop,
you know, it's hard because, you know, there's things like, okay,
do I have the right attorney? Like, is she going to fight?
Is she going to fight for us and stand up for us and advocate for us? You know,
we've already spent 60 plus thousand dollars, um,
which is an extremely expensive, you know, divorce and custody, um, you know,
thing. And we live in small town, you know, basically small town, Illinois,
it's, you know, central Illinois. Um,
so it's a very inexpensive place compared to most, but you know, that's our,
our kids could have gone to college for that price. And we're still, I mean,
paying on, I'm guessing he is to my end.
I'm still paying on it and I have this monthly bill to my attorney just to try
to keep hope alive for my children to be in my care and to get everything that
they need. And, and then it's like,
I'm trying to hold out hope for even my ex-husband,
cause I want good things for him.
And I want him to know the Lord and I want him to be freed from whatever is
sent him to such a place that he would,
that he would be operating from such like wickedness.
And I even know, I don't think he knows.
I think he really doesn't even know what he's doing. Like he doesn't even,
I mean, some people say, you know,
and then when they say when someone operates from like this narcissistic place,
that they're like, you can't just let them off the hook. Like they do know,
they know. But at the same time, it's, it's a, I mean,
like any other mental health issue, you know,
or spiritual whatever issue it's like, I mean, in some ways, yes,
you can hold someone accountable,
but in some ways you don't know their story and their trauma either.
And you still have to hope and forgive and try to trust that God can change
anyone, you know? And even if when I talk to therapists and people,
my friends with PhDs and, you know, psychology and all these things,
they're like, I've never seen a narcissist change.
Like that's the story that you hear over and over and over and over. And yet
I will.
And I believe that we're supposed to have boundaries and do the things that we,
you know, we have to do and not that the abuse is not okay to just take,
but there's this place I've come through a lot of hurt and anger and bitterness
over the years of like the Lord led me over Passover week to complete
forgiveness for my ex-husband who continues to try to use our children as pawns
to hurt me and to take everything he can. And it felt for a long time,
honestly, like there was,
it's been such an awful nightmarish battle that it has felt like he was,
he was trying to take my life. I mean,
literally I didn't know if I was going to live through it.
It was so abusive and such an emergency situation and so many people involved
and attorneys and just like, you can't even wrap your head around it.
The constant tornado and the constant chaos and the constant cycles of,
you know, manipulation and control and power. And,
and just like someone has their thumb on you and you cannot get away.
Like it feels like someone really is wanting bad things for you.
And after your very life, because they don't want anything good for you.
They will do everything they can to take every good thing from you.
They see you as worthless.
They tell you you're worthless.
They, you know, treat you like you're worthless, like less than an aunt, okay, is what it feels
like.
I mean, when you're going through it.
And so it's only God that I could even forgive him, like, and want good things for him.
And, you know, and that's taken time and it's not even like, there's not times that you're
still frustrated.
Like you act, you're acting like a toddler, but like in a man's body, you know what I
mean?
Like it's, it's, it's frustrating.
There's no way around that.
And you have to feel those feelings, but there's also like, I let bitterness grow and then
it just tried to destroy me.
And I had to really, you know, have been asking the Lord and just releasing and trying to,
to go on to deeper levels of forgiveness, even while protecting myself and my kids the
best I can, you know, and then while trying to navigate the legal system and, you know,
how do we make this, this right God, because he knows my heart cries that my girls need
me, like, as in they're suffering there, you know, it could be way worse.
He's protecting them, but I see, I know them so well, I see the way that this, this hurts
and affects them.
Like my oldest daughter is turning nine soon.
And she is, she's more like a 12 year old, like it just in every area, she's always just
excels in every single area and every subject and very much deep and a thinker and a feeler
and compassionate.
And she says things that just, you just don't hear from eight girls.
Okay.
And she understands, but then she's also trying to understand she's taking it on.
She's trying to fix it.
She's trying to cover for her dad and, and, you know, understand him, which is precious
that she's like, you know, it's not him, mama.
It's not him.
Don't you think it's just the fear speaking?
Don't you think it's, you know, fear in his life?
Like, I mean, things that she'll say, but then she's, she's developing like an eating
problem.
Like she's, she's hoarding herself on sugar, like at eight years old, like, she's like
literally tells me, like, I don't know how to stop.
Like, I don't know how to stop.
Like she'll hide and sneak sugar.
And that's one thing that as a woman, I've never struggled with like a specifically an
eating disorder.
I've gone through a lot of things.
I can relate on a lot of different things, but that's not one of them, but I'm just going,
you know, there's all the things that we can turn to, to try to heal or to, you know, cope
with the pain and the shame.
And it's like, I see her carrying all of this and I'm just continually laying down and trusting
them the Lord.
They're the Lord.
It's like, he, he knows everything.
He knows what we've gone through.
He knows what they need.
He knows we're super close.
And yet we're in a situation where we don't even know legally what the Lord, you know,
we were going to file for, for trial, we were going to file for trial and COVID hit, you
know?
So it's like, and, and I'm just every day going, Lord, I don't even know if it, if it's
trial is what it's going to come to, if that's really what it's going to come to, you know,
or if you can do a miracle and maybe there's going to be another way because it's been
so long and drawn out.
We're going on four and a half years.
I mean, not quite four and a half years, but I mean, he's promised it's not going to go
on forever.
He's promised justice.
He said, we're not going in for around three as in, you know, what's happened in the past
where it was able to, to literally break me, break me, like break me.
And that's, that's why we're in this position.
So it's like, yeah.
To, to answer that, like the girls are at this point until God moves and either tells
us to go back to trial or court or does something, you know, miraculous to shift my ex-husband's,
you know, heart and move that it's like, like I'm in a situation where I have them two evenings
a week and every other weekend, that's it.
And I don't even know until we get back legally into some, something trial or hearing or something
like it's so bad that he will, he will like tease me with, you know, when, when it's good
for him, he wants me to like homeschool them a couple of days a week.
And then as soon as we get going a week into it, he takes it back.
After I rearrange everything in my whole life and my work schedule and tell their teachers
and everything, it's like a dangling, a carrot, you know, and then they're, they're in and
out.
I mean, they're in and out of extracurriculars.
He pulls them in and out of school.
It's anything but stable.
And yet the court hasn't seen, you know, just hasn't seen the evidence to see that like
every single day, every week he's breaking our court order.
And yet he has primary, he has primary time with them right now.
Like he has, he has the ability, you know, it's like, that's where you don't, you can't
live in fear.
And yet it's like, Laura, but he's been able, I mean, it's hard because it's like, he's
able in some ways, as so long as we have.
our children together and it continues like this he's able to get away with these things or he's
able to do these things or there's nothing that I can do to stop this except for pray and release
the power that he's had over me which God's broken off like I used to be so bound to what he was
going to do next and not that that doesn't come up at all because he's always pulling kind of a
next thing and you know but it's like I'm not bound to the fear the way that I was I don't
respond to him out of reacting I consistently don't show him reactions even if it's it hurts
me or my life or causes chaos like I respond like a business email kind of thing you know and
there's a lot of things that have taken time to come to but it's still the reality that these are
my these are my children like these are like I've been entrusted with these babies and yet my girls
are more under his care and yet he's so broken and he and he's so deceived and he lies constantly
and just bullies and harasses and gets his way and let and yet God's saying I'm just and I'm
gonna bring justice but it might not be how you thought and I'm just completely like trying to
yield to it all you know where it's this this submitting you know like yeah yeah I'm sorry for
everything that um that that you're going through and being being in that situation you know where
um now you can feel just um um moved moved around at somebody else's uh somebody else's will um
and um and the fact that you have come to the point where um you were willing and obeyed the
Lord in forgiving him is huge because it's not just the past it's not just that you've moved
that you're no longer in situations for you to be triggered and it's the memory that triggers you
it's the current that triggers you and um because forgiving the past is big enough but being in the
middle of something and and forgiving is um is a very big deal um and uh and uh so I just wanted to
wanted to acknowledge that for you somebody on the outside seeing that in the spirit is that
that submissiveness to to the Lord and to who it is that you are to the Lord and coming into
agreement with that you know over path over you said the Passover time and and and deciding
that okay Lord if you say that that um that I am to you what you say that I am
then therefore I desire to forgive as you forgive I desire to look like you I desire to be like you
and if this is what it means then I'm asking for your strength you're helping your guidance to do
so and I am choosing to do it to actually follow through with it as opposed to um being at the
and I asked you to help me to do that at some point which I'm sure you went through that phase
we've all gone through that phase but then to have gotten to the point already where you
walked actively through that forgiveness where you released yourself from the chains
of that oppression into freedom so that you can't be you freed yourself from being able to be
like you mentioned um I mean there are people that I've forgiven that I've released
and still every now and then go for your trigger it'll shot me I'm like oh you know
it'll um sorry I just had a phone call come in and so it yeah oh you're fine
gonna make sure that I don't die on you because I don't know how my my um
I know well I was I was thinking the same thing for me mine is slowly dying and so I needed to
make sure let me go ahead let me find an outlet
oh there's sorry just one second let me plug in my phone
And then my phone and then neither one of us will die on
each other. Okay, let's see. Are you there? Oops. Are you
there?
Oh, I lost her.
Is it going to connect us? Yes. Oh, good. Okay.
Yay.
Yeah, so it happened back through the link. Yeah. When I
went through the link, it said that you were in a meeting
already. I'm like, oh, she's in a meeting with me. But I'm
trying to get back in.
And it says you're in that you're busy in another meeting.
Okay, I don't know at all about that. Yeah. So anyway, now I
don't know where you are, but it looks like the internet's not
as strong. And maybe the zoom I think is in kicked you out. And
then because right now you're frozen. Can you hear me?
Can you hear me? Okay. Hey, can you hear me? All right. Now I
can we went out again, but I think we're going to try again.
I'm praying. Okay. Okay, good. I'm not sure I bet you that zoom
kicks people out when when their internet gets really low. And so
I'm wondering if wherever you moved in your house, if the
internet's not as strong because all while ago you froze, and it
like had to recast. So I don't know. But so far, it's good.
Okay, so we'll just sit here and not move. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. But um, anyway, so I was just affirming you for and for
what it is that you'd walk through the Lord because that is
a really big deal to get to the point where you're where we
forgive and that we actually go so far as to speak into somebody
else's life and choose to bless them. That's a very, very big
deal. That's extremely difficult. It's um, but it is
an evidence of true releasing because that's all that
forgiveness is, is, you know, how we're talking about for
rest, how, how you just release, that's what forgiveness is.
That's what death is, where God asks, you know, we've we've talked
about, you know, Christian circles, you know, in church and
and about dying, you know, spiritual death, etc. That's all
that it is, is it's releasing, it is letting go of whatever is
that whatever we're hanging on to. And that is keeping that is
in resistance to our true nature. That's all that death
is. That's all that dying to self is, is that is just our
soul coming into agreement with our spirit, and releasing the
thing that it's holding on to that's resisting it being able
to operate according to its true nature. And so honestly, there's
no, there's no sting in death anymore, because the sting of
death was lack on the other side. And since there's no more
lack, after death, there's no more lack after forgiveness, you
know, there's no more lack after releasing and dying to self.
There's, there's no, there's no sting anymore. And there's,
there's, there's finally life on the other side of forgiveness,
life on the other side of any form of releasing any form of
death. And so, but to get
to the point where we come into agreement with that fact,
and where we choose to believe that I'm moving into life
by forgiving the person, as opposed to letting go
of the thing that I believe is keeping me protected,
because that's what the lack of forgiveness is.
It's feeling that that is the very thing that we need
in order to protect ourselves, is our lack of forgiveness.
A holding ourselves, a holding something against someone,
we feel that that's our protection,
and we have to come to agreement with the fact that,
no, that's our form of enslavement,
and to actually release that is actually.
It's like opposites, again, everything's opposites.
Yes, exactly, it's so very opposite,
which, and the thing is that God is the standard
of what is normal, and the world has had us believe
this lie for so long, the kingdom of this world
has had us believe a lie for so long
that the opposite of what God says is actually true,
and because we've come to accept it
and agree with it so long,
and we believe that it's the truth,
so what always feels like God
is does everything in an odd way.
No, God's the normal, we've been doing everything
counter to it for so long, it feels familiar,
it feels comfortable, it feels normal,
and it feels like, oh my word, Lord,
you always do the opposite, and that's so hard, Lord,
why does it have to be so hard to follow you?
God's like, no, I'm the standard, I'm the easy,
I'm the thing that always existed
before the lies started becoming rampant,
but we, so it's shifting into normal.
Almost like layers added on to a canvas,
like when you can unmask the masterpiece
that the original, yeah, the counterfeit,
and then people talk about the counterfeit,
that's something he's spoken to me about
that comes up, so there's what's his,
and then there's always gonna be the counterfeit.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah.
So do you have anything in particular that,
well, anything in particular that you wanted to ask,
or any particular reason why you wanted to,
I don't know, any particular thing
that you wanted to come into the meeting and talk about?
I mean, I know I understand everything that we've talked
about, and I didn't know if there was some question
that you had or some special thing
that you've been going through recently
that you wanted to discuss about it,
or if it was one of those things where the reason
that it was on your heart to talk about today
is because there's some element of rest
that you were trying to understand how to move into
because you haven't felt some rest recently,
or particularly related to that.
I didn't know, I'm just kind of giving you ideas
about where my mind has gone,
because I don't want to speak into something
that someone's not inviting me to speak into.
It's your time that we're on here for,
and otherwise, so unless I hear it,
I'm just kind of guessing at what someone might,
what you wanted to ask me.
I know where you're coming from, yeah.
Um, well, I think in part, I mean,
a big part is the importance of just being able
to share, you know, our stories,
like, and I think that that's why I allowed,
I think I allowed myself, not planning on it,
but to talk and just kind of talk and talk,
but in sharing, you know, as much as you can in,
you know, in a phone call, like what the big things are,
so you even have context.
And I think because, you know, you were asking about,
you know, the timeline and some of that story came out
with just like the collective and the coaching business
and those relationships, but then also, you know,
my stuff that you asked about with the girls
led to sort of that side of the story.
And all that is, is led us to the present in a big way.
Those are a lot of like the big things,
but then there's, you know, there's layers
and there are different circumstances within that.
And yeah, I think, hmm.
There are a few things that like come to mind
and I'm trying to,
they don't they're not all like very related so that's why I don't I don't know which one we might
pick but um that's just all that comes to mind because I don't I I wanted to pick a time before
the week got away again since my work times probably conflict a lot with your day you know
times the next couple days and I thought like I don't want to miss another week you know
of even though I felt like we did we got our like Marco Polo above and beyond last week um
to to converse but but I also didn't feel like I was coming on with necessarily all this clarity
of of what I wanted to talk about to figure out but I know which is fine which is fine I just
wanted to mention to you if there was something I wanted to verbalize that you're welcome to tell me
otherwise you can just get on here and like what you would do and just talk if that's what you need
that is fine just wanted to I just didn't know if that's what it was you needed or if you needed
something else I thought I'd ask yeah no that's perfect because I do I do sometimes need to you
I verbally process but then within that I'm a big I like to understand and I ask a lot of
questions so which is good will be yeah they usually will be mixed in um one thing I mean
that's definitely like big on my heart today because this has just been a few hours of
you know whatever a few a few hours of the day really so far um to even process this but
uh I had a dream some some of um
golly okay so I had a dream and it's pretty significant dream that I haven't fully processed
obviously because like I said it's just still the beginning part of the day um but
but it had it was it's very interesting Ashley especially because there are certain times that
you know like you wouldn't think you wouldn't think you just wouldn't think like with everything
that I have been through with Sam is his name my ex-husband um with him and everything that we
still face you just wouldn't think nobody in the world would definitely you know no one in the
world would think that this would make any sense and even believe among believers it's it's
kind of surprising that that again that I would come to forgiveness um you know that I would be
able to come to forgiveness and that was something the lord did that I I was asking for but not that
I did it was something that he did in worship time that he led me to that he did over Passover
and I did not expect to intercede and to release um the way that that that I did and spend like
four hours that went by like I didn't even I felt like an hour of worship time so it was like
totally him but even now to there have been times when the lord has just been like
pretty obvious about like the fact that he's like I'm gonna like he's a prodigal like I'm gonna bring
him home um and I have been so because of the wounds and because of the nature of everything
I've been so like I tried to save my family so for a long time it was like is there any way like
is there any way you know and it felt like the answer was no because of how things went and the
fact that we did move forward and the divorce happened and it was all so fast and furious and
then you know he was already had a baby on the way and that was just this whole huge scandal
and then it was like you know now he's got this other baby mama and I mean just all these things
you're thinking okay I guess the answer is no like and then with everything that happened within that
that that he he he was unable to show any any concern for me like as the mother of his children
but that was so the opposite was like get away and run and never look back like that's that's
kind of thing like the situation that you know most people would say yeah you you dodged a bullet
like get away and never look back like there is no hope here there's no hope here and I have so
I've completely let go of all hope a long time ago like and even desire like I would never
you know those are the vows that we sometimes make but truly like I've said I don't
I mean this couldn't I mean people have asked me or asked myself could this ever like be or could
this ever reconcile or anything especially with the narcissistic thing and the fact that people
don't even see that ever changing even believers they're like you know it's very no like you know
it's so unlikely that that is so unhealthy you can't I mean and so there's no way I've said
nothing short of a miracle like it would have to be an absolute miracle and then an absolute
turnaround as in God would have to deliver him miraculously from whatever is causing
you know these this mental torment for him and these these kinds of
of actions and whatever it is that is the narcissistic way, okay?
And there's just no way that in the natural that you can see that happening.
That just, it just doesn't, okay?
People, people rarely, even if they choose to get help, like as in they choose to see
that they need to change or anything like that, which is huge.
Like with narcissistic people, they don't even see, they won't admit that continually
and over time, but then to actually like be able to even receive help and change is truly,
but God has shown me pictures of like a road to Damascus kind of conversion type experience
over my ex-husband.
Now that I, there's so much of me that's like, okay, God, like you got to understand, I have
like high, high compassion and empathy.
And I don't, you know, again, I don't brag about that, but like I've had to learn that
I have a desire to see, truly like see the nations heal and see people come out of any
and every infirmity and mental, you know, torment.
And I walked through that stuff.
I've supported people through, you know, mental health issues.
Like I don't, I just really don't have judgments left, you know, in anything that I do, it's
like, I'm ready for God to take them.
But he has taken so much of the judgment that ever did exist because of the churches and
everything that I grew up in and the way I was thinking through my experiences in the
darkness and being, being that person that was misunderstood and lonely and has gone
through so much that I just don't, I don't, there's nothing that I don't feel like he
could heal.
But at the same time, you know, it's like, we'll be real realistic too, whatever, like,
you know, we'll be, you know, be wise and all that.
Well, one of the times that he showed me like twice in one day, this whole concept of, he
basically said, I'm going to heal him.
Like I'm, it's going to be like a Saul to Paul experience.
Okay.
And it's not right this minute.
He said, it's not right this minute.
And you're supposed to keep your boundaries.
Like, it's not like just go, you know, cause what would happen is whenever I would show
him compassion in my heart, I would let my boundaries drop.
And then I'd be hurt by him again.
The next time he came back and did something horrible to me and tried to take me out.
So I just had to, I almost had to harden my heart, but then that grew into such bitterness.
And then, like I said, the Lord, like deliver me from that.
And there's been forgiveness.
Well now, you know, when he did that, I didn't even realize that he was showing me, he
showed me like a word of the day and then he spoke to me in the spirit.
And then he showed me like another confirmation the same day.
And I got to work that day and it was his birthday.
Like, I didn't even know until I, until I looked at the date that, that, that had all
happened that morning and it was Sam's birthday.
Um, and there's just been other times.
Well, fast forward, I'm still going through all this stuff with him, right?
I mean, he's still threatening me, you know, like, it's still like, I mean, you
know, it's like, this is, this is what, so last night I have this dream and it's
like so profound because, you know, you don't want to read too much into it.
Cause I know that not all dreams, you know, there's interpretation of dreams.
So I'm not trying to say exactly what it means, but like, it makes me cry, like
instantly thinking about it.
Cause just because of what God's done there, like that.
Yeah.
And just even times like that, I've, as the, the forgiveness has deepened, you know,
um, and then hearing my daughter, my own daughter go like the mama, that's not who
he is like, that was, don't you think like, that's just the enemy?
Don't you think that's just fear?
Like that's, he would never do that.
You know what I mean?
Just standing up for him in ways and she's just like, she's such a deep loving soul.
Like I, if I could be her when I grow up, like that's, I would want to be her, you
know, like, I just admire her so much.
And so for her to have all this insight and forgiveness, and she told me, and she
said, I, cause we talked on a mommy daughter day about the stuff and she was
like, I want to, um, she was saying that she would really love to, to write and
sing like worship music and that, but she wants it to be catchy.
Like she wants it to be, you know, like catchy music for people that like pop,
but that also love Jesus.
And then I said, well, what, you know, what would like, what would your
message be?
Like, what do you really want to say or, you know, sing about?
And she said, you know, I just, I want people to know, like, like they're loved
and forgiven no matter what.
And, um, she like has this message of forgiveness.
She's telling me this a few weeks ago.
Right.
So I'm just like, there's so much backstory on my children and the way they've been
protected through this and the bubble, you know, around them, um, that I've seen in
the spirit, other people that don't even know me or each other have said, like, I
see a bubble around these girls, like they're being protected through all this
as God works, whatever he's working between you guys.
But I have never once thought to myself, I want to like, I, you know, since the
beginning of all this four years ago, like I want reconciliation or I want, like,
I've ever thought there was a possibility.
Right.
Um, but there's been times as God's been whispering these things and the forgiveness
stuff that I've come.
to that it's like who am I to say no like if God wanted to do something like that like
and which would be I mean crazy testimony right I mean if he if he actually changed
me and my ex-husband and then somehow restored you know what I mean like our marriage or
family like that but that's just a crazy talk right that's like okay I'm thinking out loud
here but I mean truly it's like I don't think it's crazy you don't think it's crazy I don't
want it like there's this part of me that's like I don't want it but then I'm like okay
the only way Ashley that it could even possibly happen that could be healthy that could be
beautiful is one way and the only way is a miracle from God a complete shift and a restoration
but if that one way could happen how could you say no to that like how could you not
want that God story like you know like I you know it would only be my bitterness and
whatever that would say like no I don't want anything to do with that but he softened my
heart enough that even through all the pain and everything we've been through and then
I've even said like there there when I was under when I was interceding for him it turned
into like really interceding for like the nation's and for people all over with like
these deep levels of mental issues and torment and stuff and just really desiring to see them
set free like and I was big I was like just asking him for mercy like where most people
would sentence judgment you know and that just telling him like I don't want I don't want him
to get what he deserves like I don't want you know when people go like if there's God's gonna
bring justice or whatever you know a lot of times you think like okay that person's gonna get what
they deserve but what he's been showing me is that his vengeance is actually mercy and that
he actually doesn't his wrath already been poured out and so in when he talks about vengeance it's
actually like shocking people with his kindness and mercy into his love repentance the kindness
of God leads to repentance yeah and so then you know I think I don't want him to get what he
deserves I really truly that wouldn't make me happy that would not satisfy me at all like when
you think I mean and there's been so much time people have offered over the years there's been
so much that's happened I mean I have been stopped harassed you know like all kinds of things and
there have been people that are like you want me to send somebody like do like jokingly you know
but though you know many people that have been like you want to send somebody over to like beat
his you know like because he's hurting a young woman and her children you know what I mean like
this is actually happening in all these ways and yet God when I look when I ask him for a picture
of Sam like in my mind's in my spiritual eyes to see him I saw him pick him up by the scruff of
his neck like a mama picks up the puppy and like move him and then like continue to do that like
every time that he would just be like flipping around and doing his own thing like he would just
pick him like there was not there wasn't wrath and there wasn't harshness and judgment and all
last night I have this dream and I do not have dreams about him like I've had a dream of him
probably a year and a half ago setting my whole house and life on fire like literally a terrifying
dream of him setting fire to everything like trying to kill me like and my mother was involved
too so that's interesting because there's a connection there but I've never had dreams of
like in a reconciling kind of way and last night was like like I don't even know like I don't know
how it cannot be from God you know but then I'm like I don't want to assume what it means so I'm
just trying to let it be but you're just going okay Lord like what but essentially he restored
okay it's kind of nutty like it's you know those times when you wish you could have like written
stuff down as it was happening so you could really remember the detail but so he took our story he
took our like our whole like our whole 15 years or like journey or whatever like and he like
reconciled it backwards and there was like truly like I don't know if you've ever seen like a movie
that pieces things together backwards like memento or any of those but it was like it was
like that and like there was like a piecing together and we went back through and there
were some key moments of of hurts of him waking up to what he had had done and what he had been
operating out of and and me being able to like actually share and him be receptive to like we
were together as a family like with the girls to like stuff dealt with like my own my own issues
like with my my mom and control and and
different things and ways I went wrong. And then I saw and of course like there's plenty of details
that I can't remember all of them but it was like it was like actually like a playing a tape
backwards but he like did he went back through and restored it backwards. And then yeah like so
a key part was that there was reconciliation like our kids were there. There was like a family
as you know we were together as a family which I've never had a dream like that ever.
And he came to understand like there was like a repentance and an ability for us to be like
friends which I mean gosh we're like the been the farthest thing from friends okay.
Like the farthest like you would say like arch enemies you know which I don't want to be his
enemy. And even my daughter said the other day when we go on this we're getting to go see their
cousins for Olive's birthday and we haven't been on vacation ever like since you know these five
years or whatever. So they're so excited and she said dad won't let us bring our iPads. And I'm
like oh honey I'm sorry to hear that like you know you know whatever just letting her process. And
she's like yeah he says that you know he's afraid that you'll you know you'll drop it and break it
and then say you lost it you know. And it's just like does he really think this way like is he
really just operating from fear like himself and thinking that I'm the bad guy because like along
the way he'll say things like even though he's the one getting police reports you know and and
write-ups and all these things from attorneys and everything like he doesn't even like he sees
me when he looks in the mirror he tells me I'm abusing him or I'm like he sees it like backwards
like he sees everything that we we see that is evidenced in his actions and and everything that
he consistently does he says I'm doing because like I'm manipulating him and I'm like I just
want to fight with him and he doesn't want to be enemies anymore and but he'll persist in it he'll
persist constantly causing this drama and chaos. So anyways this dream was just absolutely wild
like I just remember tearing up and then there was like a time that okay so I'd seen um
just crazy like because I have not made any of these connections so two weeks before we
separated and things went down hard and fast I mean bad we were coming back from leading worship
and we had started just started leading worship together and they ended up asking him to step
down and me to sit down just because of the nature of things even though I they were like
you're not doing anything wrong but just because of what you're going through he's pursuing divorce
um and so I looked up and I have it in pictures that he probably still has because he kept our
computer um but I looked up at the sky and I've written about it and there was a rainbow like
I've never seen and I've never seen one since and this rainbow came back up in the dream
like so the way that the way that he like restored it backwards like this it was like
almost like a rainbow and then he actually showed me the picture of the rainbow and here was what
the rainbow was it was the piece of the side of the rainbow and then it was a piece of the side
of the rainbow so I've never seen a rainbow where you don't see the middle the bridge
like there were just two sides and I saw it with him in the car two weeks before everything went
down and I've written about it recently um and over time and when I when I actually
a few weeks when after that happened I was staying with pastor friends when we separated because I
was literally pushed out of the house and I didn't know where to go and I was terrified we're trying
to get me to like a shelter or something and I saw that rainbow in my sleep the only other time I've
seen it in my sleep and I woke straight up and sat up in bed and said here am I lord send me like
I don't know you know and so then seeing it last night and this crazy I mean not just that you have
a dream that you know where there's like a plot and you're you're talking you're different things
but that there's like a restoration and and this backwards whole thing kind of in this shape and
then that I would see that rainbow that I saw with him right before the separation in it and then and
I was like there's this part of you that's just you know you you want your heart to be open to
whatever god has like that I've always said like if he changed his heart like I would choose
forgiveness like I would you know say yes to that like I would never reject that but that would
have to be what it came to you know there's no other way that anyone can think of um but what
am I trying to say okay so when that that thing happened I remember in my sleep being like no
like you know what I mean like no in the sense that you know there's this part of you that's
just like no I don't even want to hope for this or like I don't want you to do this god like there's
this part
of you that's just, it's hard to explain, but it's just like, I've been hurt so bad
for so long that you're just like, I don't want, please don't, you know?
Please don't reconcile or please don't, oh, please don't reconcile.
Yeah.
Like, please don't, like, don't, you know, like I don't, it's hard to even consider to
consider it being a possibility.
And then after that, I felt like the Lord said, and this was definitely a part that
I wanted to tell you and like, ask your thoughts about, but I feel like he said, like, with
the rainbow thing, I feel like he was like, so what if you get to ask me for the ending
you want?
Like, and I was like, what, he's like, what if you get to like partner with me to write
the ending?
Like, what if it's okay for you to like, say what you want?
And I was like, what?
Have a say.
That's so special.
I'm going to cry.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
Yeah, I think that's, that is, that's amazing.
That is amazing.
That's so sweet.
So first of all, um, I would encourage you to not be, um, upset or concerned or, or whatever.
And I mean, yeah, that you're going to be on a journey and you're going to be working
it out with the Lord about, Lord, I really don't want to reconcile and this is what you're
telling me to do.
There's going to be a bit of that journey of like this processing through of, Lord,
this is what it is.
I believe this is what it is that I think that I want.
And so I, so you're, you're telling me this possibility and Lord, I'm scared, I'm, I'm
resistant.
I mean, you know, whatever.
So, you know, that's, that's understandable, you know, you're going to have that journey.
So I'm, um, but, um, so I'm not saying, oh, you shouldn't or something, you know, it'll
just be part of what you go through with the Lord, but I just encourage you while you're
in the process of it to not be, um, uh, to, uh, to not be worried or fearful of the fact
of, oh my goodness, could that, will this happen?
Um, because, um, your expectation is not on Sam and how the situation could turn out.
God is the one who's making, making, um, a, a promise, which sounds like it's something
that hasn't necessarily in a way been like laid down in stone or anything.
God's just, God's just saying, Hey, look, this is the promise of my character and what
it is that, and how it is that I can, um, come through and present myself to you.
You have an opportunity to take, to lay hold of my character manifesting in this way, or
my exact same character manifesting in a different way.
And I'm giving you just a picture and a reminder of who it is that I am, how big that I am,
what, and how it is that it could manifest into reality in a way that if I, if I have
it come out like this, you in your, with your background and your understanding and
the meaning that I know that you will attach to that, you will consider that to be huge
about me.
You will consider that to be a huge expression of who it is that I am.
And I want you to know that regardless of how it actually manifests, I want you to,
what I'm promising you and what I'm picturing for you is I am like this, but how, and so
you can trust in that.
And, and that needs to be your expectation that my God is like that, but it doesn't
need to, you don't have to worry or be in fear that, oh my goodness.
Yes.
But if it actually manifests, if his character, which I want him to be is I want his character
to be that big.
I don't know that I want it to manifest exactly in that way.
I may want his character, desire his character to manifest that big, but in a different way.
So it sounds like he's inviting you to partner with him and take this journey on healing
your heart and that the two of you can decide together about how you want his character
to express itself.
But what it is that he's wanting you to set your heart and your expectation on is not
how it manifests in the physical world, but he wants you to put your expectation and the
fulfillment of his promise on the fact that his character is that big.
That's the promise to you.
It's not how it will work out in the world.
So you can lay a hold of it, lay, you know, just not lay hold of release your hold of
the fact.
that, oh my goodness, he's saying that you have to trust and promise and hope and delight
in the fact that it will work out like this. You don't have to worry about that right now
because your heart isn't at the place where it can receive that as a good thing, so to speak.
There's part of you that can receive it as a good thing because of everything that you told me so
far. The fact that you know that God has brought you to a point of forgiveness, that he's brought
you at a point where you desire all good things for Sam and for him to come to the Lord and have
a Damascus experience, etc., etc. So your heart has journeyed to, you know, heart meaning like
you've released so much in your trust with the Lord that he's brought you to the point where
you can receive that. But there's an element that you haven't been able to walk into yet
and which is fine. And God's not holding you in condemnation and saying like, oh,
well, you should be. He's not. He's saying, hey, look, you can write it this way or we can write
it a different way. He's giving you options, but what he's wanting you to do is like regardless of
the expectation, you know, or regardless of how it manifests, you know, he's understanding of
the fact that your heart is not at the point yet in the journey where the two of you have walked
so that your heart can receive that earthly manifestation as a good thing that you can
delight in. So he's like, I don't want you to worry about that at all. He's like, if we get to
that part, he says, when we get to that part of the journey, it'll be great. But until then,
just understand that I promise to you is that I am this big and that I will,
and that if you put your expectation on the fact that I'm this big, that is how I will manifest.
But how that looks in the worldly sense, I will always come through with myself being this big
if you agree with me that I'm this big. But I could perform, I could show myself as this big
making this story happen, or as this big making this story happen. So don't worry about the story.
Just worry about the fact that he promised that he'd be like that. And that he promises that
whichever story that the two of you choose to fulfill together, and that the two of you,
two of you decide together, he will fulfill and that he's saying that you're saying this as it's
just noticed. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, look at that. Which is cool. Yeah. You were saying
right? Didn't you say that was a significant number he was using with you? Like the two,
two days after the, it was like a 22 months. I don't know the dream. It was two days after.
Oh, the two days after two weeks. Yeah. I bet I've been desiring it for two weeks. And then
two days after I had asked for it. Yes. Yeah. But yeah, 222, you know, was in the number that
he gave you. And you know, what was that a few weeks ago and how whenever you see numbers like
that, if it, it can evidence, it could be God speaking at something in alignment. And I'm
trying to remember what to what 2222 also is. It's been a significant verse in the season,
like it's the whatever door, you know, God opens like no man can shut whatever. Oh, okay. Yes. No
man can open. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you in all of that,
that there's nothing to fear because if it's to manifest in particular way, which the Lord is
apparently giving you a say in that, which is really special as opposed to trusting that he's
that giving you a say, the fact that he actually told you he is. So neither,
neither decision that you, the two of you make together is bad or that one is less than the
other. He's like, Hey, which one do you want? That's special. That's really great. So anyway,
he will prepare your, prepare your heart. Um, and, um, and that y'all can, that y'all can make it.
Until then, uh, just put your expectation on the Lord. Um, I'm trying to remember,
have you watched the live yet where I talked about, um, how to trust the Lord for, um,
promises that appear to be unfulfilled. Oh, you haven't watched that one. Okay. So I recommend
that you go and watch that one. It's, um, um, it's one of my more, in fact, it may be my most
recent live, but it was a few weeks ago. So you'll have to look down through it. But, um,
I think I have it labeled as, as like, uh, teachings. Like if you go, or if you look
at additional teachings, I think it probably has additional teachings. Look for the one that talks
about unfulfilled promises. It's my most recent one. Um, I recommend that you watch.
that one, because I talk about this idea that our expectation is on the Lord, not on what
it is that he promised to fulfill.
Because his promise is actually about his character, not about the expression.
And so, because people were asking me, well, Ashley, what about when other people's wills
are involved?
Like for instance, for you, it would be Sam.
For other people, it's that they feel like God has told them, and not people in the group.
But I have a friend who believes that the Lord has told her that she's going to marry
somebody.
And she's been telling me, just really, I love how she's been trusting the Lord, because
her expectation is on the Lord, not on the man, because the man's will is involved.
And so, she was telling me, and I loved that she was viewing it like this, because it's
And that's the fact that regardless of what somebody else chooses, regardless of what
someone else chooses, God will always fulfill a person, the promise that he's made to someone.
And it may not mean that she marries that person exactly, because that other person
has free will, but that he, whatever that person embodied, that was a gift to her, God
guarantees to her that he, as her father, will give that to her, regardless of whether
or not it's that particular man, with that particular man's name.
So anyway, my point is that I mentioned in there, I talk about having expectation on
the Lord, not on a manifestation.
So if it brings up any fear right now, just don't worry about it.
He will prepare you to the point where it will be a joy, or the two of you can decide
together that you want it to work out different.
But he's promising that he will be that good to you.
That's so good.
That really, really helps.
That explanation is like, wow.
Yeah.
So much sense.
OK.
And the only other thing, which we can markle about too, because I know we're kind of
running, running big on time.
Yeah, I've got a call at 2.30.
Do you?
OK, so yeah, I can markle it to just having to do with how to kind of operate from this
place of rest that we're talking about.
But when God's put, like he gives me dreams and has put big on my heart trafficking
specifically, human trafficking.
And so it's a very, it can be a triggering thing because of just everything that's being
exposed and not even for sure knowing what's for sure real and true.
And the different, you know, just things that people like think or say.
But also, again, dreams like I'll have like I hear or see things and dreams having to
do with trafficking.
And so sometimes I feel like what's in that is like a responsibility.
And I don't know if it's just to pray, but I know there's like a lot of other things
he's given me to say, like this is something like I'm specifically called to and my
organization's called to.
But like what to do with that when it comes up right now and how to like take such a
like. Evil, you know, atrocity and something that's so like grievous and like think
about that from a place of.
Trust and rest, because that's that's a tough one.
Yeah. So, yeah.
So I will markle with you about it, but good, good.
I'll look forward to that.
It comes I'll look for you here and get thoughts on it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Good. Thank you for all the extra time that you spent and of course, let me get so much
out. I did not plan on that.
But I feel like the story stuff came out.
And then when you asked specifics, it was really good to be able to talk about that
dream and fresh.
Well, it's fresh, you know, and that's how to be thinking about it now the rest of the
day. So thank you.
Yes, that is huge.
That really is huge.
That dream that you had. I'm so excited the Lord gave that to you.
Yeah. We're good.
It was good to get to visit with you.
Always enjoy it.
Me too, friend. Thank you so much.
I hope you have a blessed rest of your day and Paul's and.
What not being getting used to your new place.
Your new place.
Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy staying with them, so I'm grateful for the time.
Yeah. It's special.
Some people can travel and love it.
And I'm one of those people.
So I know I know it's special.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye bye.
You