How has your first week at work been?
It's been good.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I feel like it's been really good, you know, considering all the things
that, you know, a first week of work in terms of transition, I mean, there's definitely
been a few moments that I'm a bit glazed over with the office work type stuff that I'm not,
that's not my thing at all.
I'm not administrative.
I can be administrative when I'm passionate enough about something, I really put my mind
to it.
It's just not where I naturally flow the most, but there's enough interacting with people,
which is my jam, that I can get through the administrative things I need to do, you know,
I mean, we're talking about like, I really don't care about Medicare, really doesn't
excite me.
That's not really like what I have to do, but I have to just kind of get an overall
awareness of certain things in the system and, and you know, how things function.
And so there's that, but like, at the same time, there's all this, you know, ease to
where I feel, I feel comfortable, I feel like it's, it's really a thing, you know, when
you know, something's going to happen, but you're also you haven't quite experienced
it yet.
So you're not, you know, yeah, it's working out, you know, where it's now proving to be
working out, where it's like, this is what they said they were offering me was very loose
in terms of because we've been, you know, colleagues in the past, and I've known each
other for a long time, it was not this big formal thing.
They were like, we'll get paperwork worked out, you know, whenever no big deal.
So I just really trusted that.
But it seems like they're legitimately, you know, they want to make sure they get me the
full time hours and they want to, you know, just not be overbearing or micromanaging,
even though it's a challenge to bring somebody new into your small business, and, you know,
they're really inviting me, you know, in a big way and speaking highly of me to their
patients and others that come in.
And so that's cool.
You know,
that's good.
I'm excited for you.
Yeah, I'm sorry that you can't see my face better.
I'm at a park.
Okay.
So as long as you're saying, yeah, I'm safe, thankfully, it's I'm staying kind of in a
better lit area.
Not that it's a pretty safe park, but yeah, but you're with the Lord is fine.
I'm sitting on a fountain, whatever that means, Lord.
Yeah, there's there's this really cool structure at this park that I've taken pictures up before,
family photos, and then I didn't ever notice this had water.
It's like a big rock, but there's water coming up from it tonight that isn't always turned
on, I guess.
And so I'm sitting on it, which is peaceful, but yeah, so it's good to see you.
How are you?
It's good to see you too.
I'm doing good.
That's a loaded question.
I know.
So really, that's like my least favorite question.
So maybe I can reword that.
How is the travel life going?
Going good, good.
I'm really enjoying it.
I'm meeting, I'm adjusting.
The Lord is just showing me, okay, if he has called me to travel, which there's so much
entailed in that, it's wanting to honor the people that host me, it is making myself available
to allow them to honor me in a way that they desire to, because just like I'm honoring
them, they have a way in which they're wanting to pour into me as well.
And then being there and doing my business and being there with my clients and making
sure that I coordinate all of the schedules with the travel and all that, it's just the
learning curve.
And there's nothing wrong with any of it, and it's all perfectly fine.
It's just that I realized I was running into some things that felt like, okay, well, I
had a schedule and I had a way of doing things, but now I'm adding a very interesting dynamic
to it by now taking it on the road and not just that, it's being in other people's homes.
That's really the thing, because then you're not just on your own time.
time. Yes. You're trying to honor their time as well and try to coordinate stuff
in any way. But yeah, it's all good. It's just that that's a very
interesting dynamic currently. Yes, because you're almost working from
vacation in a sense. I mean, because it's not home. So yeah, you know, they can make
you feel as at home as they can, but it's still a completely new environment that
doesn't feel home to you. Yes, exactly. We're having to learn everything and
making sure that, I don't know, and then making sure that I relax and that I
trust them that I'm not a burden or that I'm not, that they enjoy having me in
their home, that they, whatever, as opposed to, oh my goodness, I want to try to make sure to
stay out of their way. You know, that can, you know, that's another
thing that I was used to traveling in such strife that I now am not
needing to learn to travel and be a guest in rest. So it's a new method for us.
Guest in rest. This is your guest in rest invitation. Be my guest, be my guest.
That's right. That's going to have to be one of my theme songs on the road. And that's one of the really neat things is God will sometimes talk to me in songs and he'll give me little theme songs.
No, he loves that. He loves doing that. I'm convinced. Yeah, the song that he gave me
last night when I went to bed was I See the Light. Mmm, I love that. Yeah, from, you
know, Tangled. And I had, oh, were you talking about a different one? Maybe
there's another I See the Light, but I love it. This is the one from, like, Mandy Moore, you know,
where she, like, where the, where, you know, Rapunzel, like, lets the lantern, you know.
So good. Yeah, that's really sweet. And that's odd because that's not a song that I really know or
listen to. And I was talking to the Lord about something and asking him a question and asking
that he would meet me and talk to me. And boom, he gave me that song. I was like, why that song?
What is that song even about? So I had to Google it. I have a music app. I have the Napster slash
Rhapsody app. And so I looked it up on there. And so I could listen to it because I thought
God has a message in it for me. So what is he trying to say? And so that was,
that was very special. So anyway, totally random little private trailer.
I love that. I love that all the time. And I, he does that to me so often that it's,
it's truly one of my joys in my relationship with him, like how we speak so much through music. And
I love hearing that I'm not the only one because I feel a little bit over the top sometimes.
No, are you kidding? It's wonderful.
I just really kind of dropped that for a long time and really just felt like this imposter
syndrome. Like, who am I? I'm not really an artist. I'm not really a musician. Like,
I'm not doing any of the things I used to do. And I'm so rusty and blah, blah, blah.
But he was just bringing it all back in, in worship. And so it's neat. Yeah. So just embrace.
Yes. So what's going on?
Um, so I know it's late and I don't want to be forever, but, um, the, the,
I didn't mean for it to land tonight. Like I said, I didn't plan for that. I've been thinking
the past few days have been so nonstop with the new schedule and job and then all of the,
the kids and the legal stuff and everything going on on top of that. It's just been
so nonstop. So, uh, just trying to feed modestly when I have them. Um, so it's all good,
but I intended to reach out sooner and just kind of know, what am I just talk? That's,
that's as simple as it is because sometimes I feel like it's a season where I'm learning to
just sort of rely on, well, rely on Holy spirit and, and the people that he's placed there and
the conversations that come through flowing with that, where it doesn't have to be so coordinated.
And I don't have to doubt our question or even necessarily always have a plan, but just more
learning how to do life with, um, which I've done that with people, you know, more locally because
it's you're together and it's easier. Oh,
there you are. Okay. Oh, it like cut out. I'm so sorry. Let's see if it's gonna, if it doesn't.
that again I'll try to go to a different area. But a lot of these are just more more long-distance
relationships that he has me just trusting right now which ends up being this conversation and
trusting that things are going to come out of it because I'm I'm already committed to doing
life with these people and trusting when when he did that he knew what he was doing and what
was coming. So the point is that everything that you kind of have known that that led us up to now
I'm not sure where we left off exactly but just I remember talking about the I remember you saying
I would love to talk sometime about specifically the uh that you understood the kind of person
that I was that I'm in this co-parenting relationship with. I mean also obviously my
ex-husband but like that you understand that narcissistic thing and that you would you know
be willing to talk about that at some point. I remember that a couple weeks ago and I remember
um I don't know if you said that there there there are boundaries or just certain things
maybe that you've learned with with that and I don't know how that a lot of that fits in with
rest and what we're all we're talking about with rest but there's that piece and then there's the
very practical spiritual merger of everything's moving so fast right now but it's like in rest
it's in a new level of reliance on him but it's literally in terms of time it's happening so
quickly in a matter of days in a couple weeks and so before I feel like I just need to give
like update you a quick on the backstory because of the practical things because we always know
you're going to be able to bring spiritual stuff into it right away but the practical is moved so
quickly where I talked to my attorney I believe I shared that with you but I don't even know if
I updated you on that did I? I don't know what what did you talk to him about? Well just that
I had even talked to my attorney about next steps and finally gotten in touch with her after like
four months of COVID and then the mediation and the kind of the plan of what's next and that
intersecting with like we were talking about schooling and education decisions which I know
you and I at least touched on that topic because I was beginning to try to work with him and the
conversations were not going well but then what ended up happening is that he flipped again from
he wanted you know control still wasn't letting me have a voice which is not anything new we're
very used to that but I have to still go through the steps to try even though it's such a pattern
that he will shut me down to try to make the schooling decision with him and then we made
this appeal after talking after getting offered the job and then talking to my attorney because
in between the night I got the job and talking to my attorney two days later he switched his mind
he changed his mind and said he wants to send them to school after he just told me three days prior
that you know he thinks this is best to do remote learning because of these reasons and I agreed I
was trying to be agreeable and I do agree that the instability of COVID going back and forth and
they're just going to keep changing it and that's really hard on the kids not to know what's going
on so I'd rather have that structure and to build some stability with them right now than send them
back and forth well then he changed it and said that you know he thought he was really he was
considering sending them back to the hybrid schedule which is like part-time half days
because it's really wearing on us to be home together so much so then you know and that's
again that's understandable but I highlight that phrase because I'm the mama I'm sitting right here
going okay you know that that makes sense yeah I'm sure I'm sure it is wearing on him to hold
on so tightly to control and have a baby mama over here with a three-year-old and then another
baby mama of stepchildren that aren't technically stepchildren but that he's you know dating
seriously this woman and practically calling you know them stepfamily and saying he wants to marry
her and things like that so now it's like five kids in the mix and a practice that he's trying
to run and he just got a new Corvette evidently because he had to stop he got to stop paying me
so he put that money right the month that he stopped paying any support to me and to buy a
Corvette an old Corvette or something and it's just it's all image for him sadly you know right
now where he's at it's all about how he can puff himself up and feel and look better to other
people and look like he's got it all but the point is is that when he said it's wearing on us I'm
thinking yeah I'm sure it's
really hard. I know what it's like to be a full-time mama, stay at home mom, and I know
that you're running a business, but he's trying to push me out as if he's got it, and he kept
saying, I'm homeschooling the girls. I will be doing the homeschooling, and even through the
conversation back and forth that I tried to have over writing, he forced it to be text conversation,
then he put the thumbs down emoji on anything that I said about making decisions together,
and then he refused to communicate further, and so now he wants to make this big change,
so I went to my attorney, and I said, I do really feel like this is the time for legal advice,
because I don't know what my options are here, and they decided for sure that the district is
not even going back to school, so his option that he tried to switch to isn't even an option,
but it still doesn't resolve the problem that we are not communicating. He won't let me help
make the decision, and when I wrote the email, because my attorney said basically,
last-ditch effort, you know, make an appeal, write him the email saying what you're willing to do,
why you want to help, you know, it's all about the girls, you know, and how you can help them
through this, and it is, so I really thought a lot about how I was going to form that and articulate
that during New Mexico while I was on vacation, and did that and sent that, and it was like
basically saying in between there, I found out that my job was willing to even let me have two
days a week that are lighter days that I could even bring the girls in with me to just do
paperwork while no one else is in the office, like it's a family, you know, practice, basically the
same as what my ex-husband has, yeah, like he can't even argue with it because he's doing the
same thing with them on his time, you know, but that I could school them two days a week
and still work full-time, as in I have options where I can help out with them in this whole
season of no school COVID, and I have a teaching degree and experience in these grade levels and
all this, and so it's interesting that he's saying I'm going to homeschool them, and I will be the
one doing it all when I'm at the educator, like I'm over here, like, but I taught second and fourth
grade, and our children are going into those grades, and it makes zero sense that he does not
want to, he just doesn't want to give me any room, any validation, or for the court to think
that I have any, you know, that if he gives me any more time or any say, then he's affirming me
in some way as a mother, and therefore there's no argument that, you know, for the custody, really,
for him in the end, that way, like that's, he's trying to prevent me from getting better, having
more stable life with the court, seeing that there's no issue, like there's no problem, like
he tries to make it out to be so that he can have the kids, but he doesn't even really want them.
He just gives them to his parents all the time, so it's more of a control thing, so bottom line is
control, control, control. I have all this compassion. I do forgive him all this, but my
girls need me, and it doesn't change that fact, and so it's like living from a place of forgiveness
and compassion, but realizing with someone with this tight of a grip on control, it's actually
loving to help them since they cannot take their hand off of it themselves, you know, in a case
like this with children, like he can't just constantly then, you know, have this power given
to him. It's almost like the loving thing to do is to help him take his grip off because he's losing
grip. He just can't admit it. He can't, for whatever reason, let go of it on his own and just
say, hey, can we work together? Can you help me? Anything like that, so my attorney explained it,
you know, he basically doesn't have boundaries, can't respect boundaries, and he runs over
other people's boundaries so much that with a court order that would be very detailed that we need,
he would have a line here that would actually tell him how far he can go, and it would in a big
way relieve him of, see, it would take him out of the default of just going as far as he can
possibly push because the line would be so clear that he couldn't push past it anymore, and with
the court system, unless they spell that out, a person who struggles with this narcissistic
thing will push past the boundary every time. They will take their cake and eat it, too. Like,
they will take, and so she's like, you know, this will provide you this line or him a line to know
how far he can go, and it also protects you because then you know how far he, how close he
can get to you instead of always fearing that he's going to cross into your space to harm, you know,
to bring harm, and so when we talked, she said basically she agrees that it's time and there's
the need for mediation, which we've never
done. Mediation is the next step because in the system the judge really has a hard time looking
at a case for to flip everything without that effort but when that effort makes sense and then
yeah naturally you know once that if that doesn't work that really says a lot because if it doesn't
work that's on the fault of you know a person who is unwilling to make it work even when you've
tried professional mediation then there's a true need for legal intervention and of course we hope
that mediation works I mean we genuinely want that but it's just that my attorney said based on the
you know I foresee 30 days and you know no no willingness to bend or compromise you know
it's actually great news I mean it's just honestly you never want to okay but when you waited and
your kids are suffering and waiting and you even wait for an entire year and then COVID hits and
the legal system shuts down you wait an extra five months not even knowing where your children are
during the day and he doesn't follow the order that says he has to do this or that or provide
me this and such information and he has all these reins you know it's it's comforting to hear
if he can't bend this is literally the last very last step like we're actually there in terms of
what the Lord isn't promising me is is not anything bad for Sam just that that justice
the restitution and recompense and and redemption that he is coming through for us that he does see
it he he's not going to let it last forever he does see the need he has a plan in a variety of
ways he showed me that and just had me hanging on and hanging on to that in faith and so to hear her
say you know that would be the point that we would flip everything on its head and we would file
a motion for a change to custody period you know was just a relief I mean I haven't even been able
to speak to her in four or five months you know so all of that to hear her say that there's a
plan and it's not just this indefinite thing is hard to explain you know but then within that the
mediation required there's all these different pieces and moving parts because I had to send in
the email defining you know just everything I'm willing to do for the girls how I'm willing to
accommodate you know just reminding him like with with my you know experience in teaching that I can
really provide them something that most families don't have right now and that I want to be able
to do that and help bring them balance and help him to take the load off and he did not respond
well or to that at all he just told me it's too late the decisions made didn't even address
anything and then when I did what my attorney said and went back to him and said you know it's it's
clear we're unable to come to decision together at this time and it would be appropriate to pursue
mediation he came back again with you know if you want to waste your money that is not necessary
if you would just blah blah blah this wouldn't be a problem you know all that so that's where
it's been and in the meantime she told me to tell him within that same email I will if I don't hear
from you within this number of days I will set up mediation you know please do let me know if
there are any times that conflict or are better for you otherwise I'll base it on your work schedule
and no no no replies to that just kept saying oh he right the last thing he wrote back was that oh
the district changed their mind anyway so it looks like we're we're fine like as if he wants me to
think there's no problem because the district decided on remote learning that just takes us
back to where we were when I said okay that's our first step in determining the decisions for their
education but it's not certainly not the last you know just because we know it's remote learning
doesn't mean we know we've determined anything about how when why where you know anything and
he does not want to include me in that and that's a big part of the decision and so how they're
going to be educated um and so he just did not respond well to any of that and left it at you
know well I guess we're going back to remote learning after all you know that's the last
I've heard and in the meantime I looked into mediation as I was encouraged to research and
there's very few options here for people that don't have a conflict with our case because
attorneys can say they don't have to tell you why they have a conflict um one of the mediators
we wanted the most has a conflict we don't know what it is conflict of interest um
One's about to retire and one's so busy can't get into them. And so that kind of leaves us like one or two choices, literally. So when I called to schedule with them last Friday.
They informed me that. So our court order says that he currently has. So we have joint decision making. But if we cannot come to a decision.
He has final say, which gives them so much power pending mediation. Now, whoever requests mediation, which who would request it besides me, right, because he has all this power anyway. So whoever requested it, meaning me pays for it.
So I was willing to do that. And I was trusting the Lord in that. And I mean, I still am. But at that point, I thought like an hour. I was thinking like an hourly rates. I don't know, like a counselor or I didn't realize it was like an attorney rate, like not an hourly rate.
It's not like 125 $150 an hour like 265 an hour and which whatever, you know, just just money. But then they said it's an $800 retainer to get started. So that brings it to like a $1,300 immediate
You know, costs like upfront costs and I'm still paying my attorney through all this
I'm several hundred dollars a month. And, you know, I'm just getting started in the same job. So I'm like, okay. Oh, Lord. Okay. What do you want to do, what are we going to do next, because the whole thing is it's pressing like my attorney said, get in there.
We want to get in for mediation ASAP you know school starts the 31st that's in 10 days from now. So this was last Friday, almost a week ago.
So I was, you know,
Praying try to get ahold of my attorney and
The thing with her is that she will act on the phone conference like she's going to advocate. I was really encouraged like she was going to advocate for us. She's really
Had a plan and all this, but then she'll disappear. Actually, like she'll completely fall off the map in the follow up to what she just the plan we just put in place and she won't
She won't do it or she won't
Respond to things to get it going, or I can't reach her. I can't get ahold of her to actually do what we just said. So it's like we go in circles like we waste
I mean, this is, you know, we're again four and a half years in, especially the last year, I've noticed this pattern. And it's okay if she's tired. I would understand after four years that someone would be maybe tired of a case or not really that invested, you know, but I just haven't been able to get that
Out of her know what my options would be. And so we're in this position where it's like trusting the Lord for mediation and the immediate
And then I have a question about mediation for her that I've been trying to track her down for six days to result. And it's one question. I mean, it's one main question is, do we have the legal
Is our paperwork sufficient to make sure he does mediation, because especially if I'm going to pay for the mediator said you, you want to make sure you have a court order for this now. It says in there.
In our court order, but it's not the typical I guess way that they word it where they set you up with a mediator and require
You to go and each party pays half the retainer. It's for ours. It's like we have this decision making in this clause to it where somebody can request mediation, but we don't have a court order for that.
Does that mean he has to go. Am I going to give them money and then he decides not to go and then we go straight to trial.
You know, I don't know. So that's the question I'm waiting on. But in the meantime, praise lots of praise is that like just in a few days of praying releasing and trusting him, you know, and, you know, calling on my small group of intercessors women that you know are close to me and our prayer warriors, just to
You know, be lifting us up.
We have like
Well, we were offered
The, the big chunk of the retainer from an organization within two like within a day of that beginning, which is huge, you know, just completely an answer to prayer like out of the blue.
Had a zoom call schedule with them for other reasons. And this organization, the women who lead it. We were talking about
Just ministry and collective and more of, you know, working collaborating together.
And they were like, well, how's your custody stuff going because they both been through this exact thing. And that's why they started the organization. It's for women who have been abused or oppressed around the world. So they help women from
Yeah, the, the woman who started it. She went through this, but on a public level with her ex husband, and it was actually in USA Today, where I met her because of her story came out USA Today.
And so she has this person that I've looked up to for like, you know, almost five years and here
And here we're talking on a very personal level about life and sharing stories and connecting ministry and then she's like, well, you know, our organization to me, you know, helped women
bridges and
and helps people when I told her, you know, just where we're at with with the next step in mediation
and praying, you know, that God will provide. She was like, well, that's what we do in part,
it's
and I would really want to help you do this mediation. So that was huge. That's huge.
It's
So huge. Just like, yeah, so then that that was Tuesday afternoon. And a lot of the other piece
of it was, you know, that as we look at needing potentially a different attorney to move forward,
it's like, it's interesting, because I've been willing, so willing to wait, and I still am.
But when you get to this place, where there's been so much waiting, there's been so much
repetition, the patterns are really clear. And then the Lord brings you through this
such transformation into this place where, I mean, there aren't other options. Like, as in,
I don't think he's going to go back on his word. Like, I'm willing to wait longer, if that's what
it looks like. But it's either wait and continue in what it's been, or this is the only
next step, right? Like, we've actually reached a place where we know that the only option is
to either keep going like we've been, or to do the mediation and move forward. You know, that's,
it's hard to explain. Like, in so much time of not quite knowing what to do, or next steps,
or having to wait longer, or wait months, or wait, you know, time to get in a court, or different
things, to know that there's something immediate that needs to happen now, because of an immediate
reason, and that that's the only route to create change, right? It just, it's like,
it doesn't give me this out to be like, well, Lord, you know, maybe later. Maybe, you know,
maybe you want this for me, but it's maybe just someday, you know? Like, maybe, you know,
I just need to wait on you longer. That's kind of a backing away thing that I have,
and would have done in the past, but it's just so clear that there isn't a later.
You know, like, there's been that time. There's been all of that. It's, it's,
now is now, I guess. Like, the time just isn't some future time, but it always, it has been for
so long, in a way, that it's like, is it one of those? But it isn't. It isn't one of those. It
isn't like a, we'll just sit on it kind of thing. I just feel like there's no, there's no option for
that. It's truly like a believing that he's breaking through what does, what looks in some
ways impossible, or like a kind of a mess, or whatever, but, but then my friend was like,
what's $1,500? Like, what's, what's even several thousand dollars for you guys to have an attorney
to, for this final push with everything you've already been through in five years? Like,
the worst is way past. This is the time to press on, and to advocate for the girls,
and not to sit back. Which, I guess what I'm saying to you is that that, that's very different.
That's very different than where we've been for all this time. So it's almost like when you're
breaking through into the promised land, and you just, you just know you can't turn back,
and so that means faith in the new. You know, that means unprecedented
times, and, and so just seeing him come through already within 24 hours of learning that with,
you know, a true like chunk where we can do mediation. Like, I'm believing that,
I'm believing for my attorney to reach back out tomorrow. I've tried to reach her this week,
and talk to her assistant again today, and that we can reschedule mediation for next week,
and that he's going to provide the rest of what's needed, you know, for it, for that to happen.
Yeah, that's kind of the, there's, there's so many happenings that I know I had to say a lot,
and there's so many pieces of it that are like trying to give you context, and if this, and then
maybe this possibility, but that's, that's kind of where it's at. So I don't know if you have any
thoughts thus far, or questions, or if anything comes to mind, but. Well, no, other than just go
where your piece is at. Go where it is, you know, so we don't have to worry about, oh well, this is
the only option, and this is the only way that this thing has to happen. That, that doesn't play
a part in any of our decision making. It's wherever it is our piece is at. So, so if the
Lord has, if you feel like, you know, like your job, you know, and how you got your job, if you
feel that this is, that this is the direction that you, that your, that.
your spirit, your peace is showing you this is where God will come through.
In other words, we don't know how,
we don't know what the process is going to be.
We don't know what it's going to look like. If, you know,
if it would look very, very smooth, but when I look ugly,
if it would result in the type of thing that you'd want it to result in,
we don't know.
We don't know what part that this has in the larger
picture of the, of the picture of the larger journey.
But the thing is that that doesn't matter. What is God telling you to do?
Where is God saying, Hey, look, let's, let's step into this together.
This is the path I am going to meet you on.
You're not in alone. You're not having to think,
I've got to figure out how to do this on my own or whatever. God's like,
I am going to prove. I am going to meet you on this path here.
Where do you believe in your spirit that that path is that, and then go for it.
And and anyway,
so that's really all that you need to consider. You don't have to worry about,
Oh my goodness. Well, Lord, you know,
it looks like this is the only option or to look, even look at it as,
well, Lord, this is so different than what we've been doing so far.
And I know that I've been doing this other,
but now I'm going to try and step out and do this. And,
or it, or, you know, Lord, you told me that, that,
for a long time ago that, that I should handle it a different way.
And I've been doing that, but now I'm just like, Lord,
I think we just need to do this. Well, you know,
just because he told you to do one thing for a while,
doesn't mean he's not going to say like, okay, but now it's time to do this.
So in other words, wherever your piece is at is my whole point.
My whole point is that all of the things that we use as logic in order to figure
things out can now go by the wayside.
If we don't want to have to operate a bunch of the tree of the knowledge of
good and evil,
and we don't have to figure it all out and make it all sound logical.
Where does God say that where, where's your piece at? Where is it that you,
that you believe that the,
where does your spirit believe that God will come through now?
What comes through looks like what it results in.
We don't know, but where will God meet you?
Where has God provided a way in which he promises that he
has gone before you to sustain you on that particular
path and on that particular journey?
And that's really, that's a really good explanation of it.
And it is, yeah, it is, it is this. And what's interesting is
the shift of having one,
having all this peace and having this movement and momentum and having it be
so quick, like the alignment of, you know,
in one way,
it's just enormous joy and praise and kind of that
mind blowing, like overwhelming, you know,
love of God that you're experiencing all at once.
It feels like, you know, and then it's happening so fast in time and,
and, you know, I'm, I'm trying to, to ride,
you know, ride it. And I am like, I'm,
I'm relishing it in such a big way with him and just being and living it
and, and receiving and, you know, sharing my heart with him and responding,
you know, in praise and worship and emotion to all of that.
Um, but then it's also, and in some ways it's, it's like that,
that, that high of he's so amazing and he's just coming
through and it's thing after thing is lining up all in this direction.
Like in two weeks,
he gives me a job that even allows me to be with my
girls two days a week to change my schedule,
to have healthy rhythms and life,
but still have full time work to look stable for the courts,
to be and feel more stable and these other ways. And, you know,
leave out the question marks that I was living in, in some ways, um,
which I'm thankful for that season of trust. Um, and it's still,
I'm still having to trust in other ways, but just the, the, the, you know,
alleviating that, that need for income for our family to live on. And then,
and then, you know,
sending us on our first trip to be able to enjoy time together in five years
without him interfering, which was like a huge answer to prayer.
And then all this thing's happening with me talking to my attorney and her
actually having a plan and having the first conversation with her and moving
toward, you know, mediation, starting a new job, having, you know,
this connection with this organization, these women and having them offer.
you know and wanted to actually help in my specific situation because that's what they do
and I didn't even realize that that was a piece of what they did um in there even though I know
what they stand for and then you know but yet there's there's so there's all those joys and
then but there's all that fast pace and then there's still the demands on me as a person
living in a body to you know do do the things to do the things and so sometimes I think
you know like I'm taking the steps and more and more in him but then if I sit back and I consider
it just something that me and him are doing and you know don't know where it's gonna go or whatever
it's it's like he's picking up the pace and so somehow rest can be picked up in pace and that
means yes you know I'm working all day I'm doing these things and I'm called to a lot of action
steps in where my piece is leading me like having that conversation with those ladies being
vulnerable with them about my situation for them to even have the ability to offer that and want
to meet that need for us you know and there's further steps that they do push on these places
that he's sort of I can tell you know fathering me and if we want to say it and the terms that
you like use like where I'm realizing you know there's there's this struggle to want to be needy
or to to not want to be or feel needy because suddenly you know to open up about our situation
where I feel like that's where he's opening the door is is various people that are close to me
just in a few days time don't know each other you know are ones looked up and said you know
there's these women's legal aid organizations and is encouraging me to which I've never done
anything like that you know reached out for for legal aid and they're like no no that's okay and
there's this part of me that's like no no like I'm like this is like I'm supposed to carry this
you know like I shouldn't need anybody and you know my other friends going like there's so many
people that don't know where to give because they don't even really have a local church right now
and you're you and your girls have been through the worst already you're you're so close you're
like this and if it were another woman or a woman in your collective what would you tell
her and yet you're not wanting to be in need or vulnerable because of fear of man or fear
of rejection or fear of whatever when really you have tons of people around you that you poured
into that would want to support you even if it's in a small way and it could add up like
talk to the lord about that because maybe he wants to come through this time
in restoring your faith in his his body and his people you know and and your ability to
to be be vulnerable to to open up to that which you know I have in private to you like you know
that my financial situation like I didn't it was vulnerable for me not to pay you what I
feel like I want to and what I will and you know what I mean in that moment that was a really huge
step but to do that on a broader scale like I already had to open myself up to people's opinions
people's opinions to people's like judgment to people's like shaming like even among believers
like because we were so vulnerable we were literally put out on the street and told to
get to a shelter like you're in a really abusive situation and called emergency court hearings and
I landed in the hospital I mean this is not a small thing it's like a scarlet letter in some
ways and I know that that's not what I wear anymore but it's just that there's some of those
symptoms in my heart of like or even my house church parents you know like the fact that
they're really loving and I don't understand all the ways and the reasons maybe that they're not
offering themselves right now but I don't know if I am supposed to be vulnerable with them or if I'm
not supposed to ask for any help because there's this tug I don't know what it is of okay who are
the people you know one thing that Rachel said she's like you know you can just invite maybe it
looks like you know and pray about ask the lord but inviting you know your safe people as in the
people you have a huge group of friends and community like inviting them into this to pull
together or whatever and that means I don't have to invite people into it that I that know my ex
husband or that have been judgmental in the past or that I don't feel safe with like that's an
option too where it doesn't have to be all or nothing just because there's a few people that
have been they haven't understood actually like they haven't been through trauma to this degree
on any level they just they don't understand even as believers or they don't have the
ability to empathize or for whatever reason they don't, they're wonderful, but they just don't,
they're not safe for us right now to be completely honest and vulnerable with because they have these
opinions that aren't helpful or, you know, they don't respond in helpful ways. So it's trying to
work through that, like how I literally can't do this alone. And the timeframe is such that
I'm supposed to invite Holy Spirit to do what he's doing and flow with him, but then there's
some part, there's some disconnect for me where it's like, then I think that I'm supposed to do
it alone with him. And that means no, no resources. And that I'm just supposed to wait for him to like
fall money from the sky. I mean, I don't, I, you know, I don't know, does that look
like waiting, does waiting on him look like literally doing nothing?
Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Correct. Yeah. Like what you said, you know, God, God provides through a
variety of ways. He provides money from the sky. He provides through tools. He provides through
people. He provides for a job. God's provision, you know, is not limited to this world. And yet
he does use this world. Like what I was talking, oh, I don't know if you were on the, on the call
at the time that I was talking about and the fact that tools are not bad, that their intention is
that they are currently subject to frustration. And we are intended to bring, to manifest heaven
into earth through the tools. In other words, they're allowed to be part of the process.
Okay, good. They're allowed to be part of the process. That is so often the way in which God
provides for us that they're, they're not bad. It doesn't make something more or less God's
provision if he does, or doesn't use the tools it has, it has no bearing on anything. Like for
instance, the, and your job is not providing for you. God is providing for you, but he's,
he's using the tool of the job, you know? So anyway, if, and then another thing about the
whole thing of, you know, you, you struggling to, okay, well, well, two things. First of all,
know that, and I'm just saying all of this is encouragement, that you,
that when God intends, well, okay, so let me, let me say this first, that you can,
one of the reasons why we can resist, and maybe this is not what you were saying, but you were
just like, oh my word, everything's happening so fast. This is just something that came to mind,
so just receive it for what it is, and it may not even have anything, it may not be remotely
connected to something, as you were saying, or feeling, but it was something that came to mind,
is, is the fact that know that when we have been in such, I felt that we have been in such
hypervigilant mode for so long that we not only don't know how to live life not like that anymore,
we don't feel we deserve it. So it's very hard if all of a sudden things aren't so hard anymore.
I know they're still hard. My point is, you've, if you've been doing it alone,
and you've been waiting on God, and you felt that you have not been supported,
and then all of a sudden, all of that, all of these people who are willing to support you,
who have been strangers, are coming out of the woodwork, it can, and, and all of a sudden,
God's like, hey, look, there's this option, you know, if this is where you feel that you're
pleased with that, oh my word, here's this option, and the, and the, and the lawyer brings that up,
and, and, and then, you know, possibly right after God gives you a job, and told you to take the job,
and then all of a sudden, there are these people that, of all of the people that you're connected
to, they happen to do this exact thing to help people out, and that's not why you were talking
to them about it, and you didn't remember that that's what it was, you know, all of this stuff,
that can, the, the goodness of God can feel very overwhelming. It is. Yes. So anyway, just FYI,
what that can kind of be going through is, is, is this transition of, oh my word, this,
where this is just happening really fast, just something for you to perhaps be aware of,
that if you find yourself, yourself unconsciously resisting what is going on, to realize what,
that you, that it, that it is the goodness of God that he's trying to reveal, and he's trying to
give you, and he wants you to be open, willing to receive, and you're not, and you're not used to,
um, uh, you're not used to being in a receiving, feeling like you're in a receiving position.
You've been so used to, you know, doing this, and, um. What do you do with that? Because it
is overwhelming, and I feel like I've been exactly, like, I know,
know, you know, I mean, I know enough about when my work with trauma and my research and
my own understanding what I was going through and I've been going through that, you know,
like I feel, yeah, I feel in some ways like it's, it's overwhelming in this great way.
And then it's kind of overwhelming in general, you know, because his, his love and his goodness
is so overwhelmingly beautiful and yet the things and the decisions and those, those
are actively happening in time and, you know, in space and, and that means, you know, physical
requirements and time requirements of me.
And then it can be triggering to feel both of those at the same time with them being
with the, whatever is underneath the outside that's outside my comfort zone or outside
what I know that you're referring to, like with not having that experience in the past.
And just wondering if it's, if it's valid, you know, if it's like a valid experience.
Um, if what's valid, I haven't, like, I haven't had that experience before, you know, where
you're kind of, I don't know how to like, just being overwhelmed because that's good
or just like the hyper vigilance mixed with like where I've had to be in survival mode,
mixed with receiving his goodness, I feel like is what you were just got it.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, um, where you're just, okay.
Yes.
So there's the thing that God's like, Hey, I now want to show you how I can give things
to you.
And you don't have to be in hyper-vigilance mode when before you're only used to interacting
with these situations and circumstances in hyper-vigilance mode, where you were the one
who, uh, you were the only one that, um, that, uh, you, you were the only one that you felt
could provide any means or mode of protection, uh, or, or provision of the situation.
And he's like, okay, so now you were going to go through some situations that you have
only known and experienced in having approached them from a, a perspective of stress.
And now I am in strife and now I want you to approach them from a place of rest.
So he, he's, he's introducing situations, which were in the habit of, um, from experience
of interacting from a very stressful perspective.
And he's now like, okay, so now we're going to be in those situations.
He said, and now I want you to release.
I want you to release and receive where you don't have to do the thing.
I mean, so to speak, I'm not talking about you don't do any actions.
I'm talking about, you don't have to make things happen.
You don't have to control it.
You don't have to be the force that pushes everything forward.
You let him be the force, the force that pushes everything forward.
And, um, then I struggled to know where in the words I effort meet that, you know, and
it feels, it doesn't feel like at times it feels so like, um, you know, freeing and peaceful.
Like overall, it's like this freeing, you know, experience, but it doesn't feel always
so restful to try to come in to the newness of this one.
It's, it's so foreign.
And then I still have decisions to make or things to do.
And I don't know where my effort meets his rest and provision.
Um, it is still doing all of the activities, but just not bearing the burden and the responsibility,
putting it on you or on the activities, um, the burden or the responsibility at the result.
So understanding that you don't carry that, that's the only reason that makes effort hard.
That's the only thing that makes strife strife is the fact that we believe that it bears
the responsibility of actually creating results and their stress that it won't create the
result.
So if we remove the burden and the responsibility from off of that, it removes all of the hard
work in it.
So it removes the hard out of the work.
Out of the work.
And then we're just working and then it's, there's no strife in it.
And so that's the thing.
Oh, exactly.
That makes so much sense.
But how do you shift from that?
You know, like any, any thoughts about how, what to do when that's overwhelming and you
don't quite know how to shift into that, even though you're hearing it logically, you don't
quite even know what you're resisting or why.
And it just correct.
So you don't have to know what you're resisting or why.
So that's a really good question.
Okay.
there are, I know that you've already watched some of these, but the to release
and to receive are the big ones. Possibly even the to believe one. I think
that there might be some added helpful things that I put in
that one because there were some things that I think that people in watching to
receive one were having a difficult, or to release whichever one it was,
were having a hard time grasping and so I did the to believe one and I've had
people tell me that they've watched that one multiple times because they're like
oh my word that finally answered my question and because they still felt
that the to believe part was something they were responsible for. Oh I think
you even asked me that. Did you ask me that maybe in a comment on a live
recording? Okay so if so you'll want to watch that and how to believe part
because I answered that same question for someone months ago back in April
where they're like yeah but isn't there still a responsibility now to believe?
Isn't that where all of the hard work and the effort and the stress and anxiety
comes in that well God can't follow through on his deal because I still or
there's I have my own, I have to mean it halfway and my halfway is belief you
know and then we and and that's just not true and so I recommend that you. Oh I
think I did comment something on your recent live about but that doesn't that
still then come back to us needing to believe. Yeah correct so I would
recommend watching that one because that answered her question finally because
she was so frustrated she's like Ashley I feel I feel can she wasn't saying that
I had made her feel this way she was just saying that hey Ashley when I
listened to what you were saying she said I feel condemned I still feel like
see it's still my fault I'm not believing and that's why I'm not
receiving and so when I did the live she's like I finally get it so she's
watched it multiple times because it was so revelatory to her so anyway I
recommend you watch that one but as far as like like the receiving and releasing
effortlessly as well as as well as you know what do you do when you don't know
what it is that you're releasing all you have to do so I'm just gonna go over all
of this very briefly but I recommend that you that all of this is talked
about you know what you could if you wanted to just watch the unless you want
to rewatch those others because there there would be benefit to it you can
watch the one in the unit to called healing the soul through the spirit have
you watched that one no okay so that one's that one I think would be very
beneficial and that's what I'm gonna that's what I'm gonna explain really
quick right now just in very highlighted form that all we have to do
is we if ever we feel stress anxiety whoever we feel starting feel tight we
feel a worse we feel a little bit of a panic it doesn't even have to be a big
one just just a little bit of Oh nervousness or I mean it could be light
or it could be really a really big big heavy weight whatever it is it's
negative and it's not of your nature and it is not of the Lord so you need to
just let it go because you do not have to you do not have we do not have to
live under that burden that oppression so you just tell yourself whenever
you're doing it you just tell yourself stop whatever it is I'm doing inside
just you're telling yourself this you're like whatever it is I'm doing inside
telling you to stop mm-hmm and then usually usually for me depends on what
the situation is I whatever it is inside of me that's causing all that turmoil
that angst and anxiety and the stress to build up it stops and it lets go and
I immediately shift into rest I don't even know what it is I'm letting go I
don't know what thoughts or subconscious or conscious that I was thinking of that
was causing all of that it was just my body and my emotions where we were and
we're stirring up in my body was react was manifesting it and I was feeling the
heaviness etc and so I just tell myself to stop however sometimes that that
isn't helpful I mean meaning like I say it's not helpful sometimes we still
struggle to get ourselves to just let it go or to stop doing whatever it is we're
doing that's creating all the stress and anxiety so in in that case I recommend
that we that we remind ourselves that we really think okay whatever the reason
I'm stressed and anxious is that that I believe that whatever's going on
shouldn't be that I shouldn't be in this situation that that person shouldn't
have said that thing to me that I that I shouldn't be doing that and it this
shouldn't be hard or it could be like I'm doing everything right but I'm sure
that I I shouldn't be doubting I shouldn't be whatever it is we're
telling ourselves that whatever is going on whether it's us or a circumstance
outside of us or something that somebody's saying or something that
we're remembering subconsciously that's
Somebody told us one time, whatever's going on, we're telling ourselves it
shouldn't be.
And what we have to do is we have to let go of our sense of entitlement that it
shouldn't be that way and that it should be something different.
And I, and I repeat this every single time I say this, it's very important that
we're not making a judgment call about whether or not it should or shouldn't be
happening. We're not saying, for instance, if somebody yells at you, you know, and
you're, and, and you're getting all stressed and anxious and you, and you
tell yourself, okay, you know, release my sense of entitlement that it shouldn't
be this way. You know that, well, they shouldn't have yelled at me. It
shouldn't be this way. You're not saying they should have yelled at you. We're
not saying, in other words, we're not making a judgment call about the right or
wrong in this situation. All we're doing is we're releasing our sense of
entitlement and, and ownership that and demand and accountability. Yeah. Huh.
To decide that it shouldn't be this way, like releasing. Yeah. To decide it
shouldn't be this way. Just let that thing go. Just let go our sense of
account that, because what it is, is we're holding God or, or, or something,
something accountable for fixing it for, um, for, for fixing it. We have to let
that sense go. We're not standing in the judgment seat at that moment saying,
trying to declare that what was going on was truth or error. We're not saying
anything about whether it was truth or error. We're just letting go of that,
but that stranglehold we have on demanding that justice be done in that
moment. We're letting that sense of entitlement go. And then as soon as we
do, we shift into rest. We remember who it is that our true nature is. And we
begin to operate from that place in our new nature is, is of our spirit and our
spirit always makes righteous judgments. So now from that place, now we could
make a, now we could make a righteous judgment about the decision about the
situation and to be able to discern whether what happened was truth or error.
But until we let it go first, we can't, we're not in a place in which we can
make a righteous judgment and a righteous discernment about whether or
not what happened was right or wrong. My whole point in saying that is, um, we
have to let, that's what it is we're releasing. We're releasing our sense of
entitlement that it should be fixed and it shouldn't, and it shouldn't be like
this. The problem is the sense of entitlement and holding somebody in God
accountable for it. That's what we've got to let go. Once we let that go, then
we're now in a place where our spirit knows what's right and wrong. So anyway,
that's what we think that can even like what you're describing can even be, I'm
just thinking of how I like personally, how it plays out or how, how it feels or
resonates. Like it's, it's almost like, why am I, you know, I know we're not,
don't necessarily need to know this, but it's helpful for me to process with you.
Like, is it for me in a sense of entitlement? Well, it is, but what's,
what's underneath that is this, maybe a belief would be the best word for it.
That's like shame based, you know, that I should have, you know, if I would have
been better, stronger, whatever, I wouldn't have broken down if I, you know,
I'm not thinking all this right now, but the way it looks at this moment is like
when all this came up, it was like, if I would have saved better, if I would have
done more financially, like help made more financial decisions that were
healthy, then I'd be prepared for this right now. Um, and so, you know, that's
something right. But it's kind of shame based, like there's something wrong with
this because there's something wrong with me and they go together. And a lot
of it is difficult to release if I'm believing there's something wrong with
me, but I am having a difficult time in all of this receiving his love and my
identity lately. Like I was coming into it still, I know it's all still process,
but you know, I feel like I was coming into it and then a couple, you know,
whirlwind weeks of yes, so much good, but also so much going on.
Part of it is, you know, even how do you make, how do you personally, and how do
you recommend, because I know you recommend what you do personally, um,
kind of reassessing things when you get in that state where it's starting to
become anxious or a bit much, but you have to still keep going into all these
new things at once. And yet you don't want to do it out of strife. How do you
kind of reassess your, where you're putting your energy and your time? Like,
I feel like I'm doing too much for instance, right now, like I'm not giving
myself enough grace than how big this is, how big the shift is in a great way,
but also how much is required of me to go into all the new with a brand new
schedule, brand new job, all the legal stuff.
going on everything with the girls and their schooling like i'm still trying to maintain
all of the multitasking and the things i have up in the air and i'm dropping stuff and then
feeling shame because i don't i can't meet the goals that i'm setting for myself i'm setting
the bar too high to be able to do various things all at once and i think that that's contributing to
that hyper vigilance feeling of like ah when you're in that state of go-go-go it's called
fight or flight like you're trying you're in the mode of doing you're not in rest and digest which
is you know physiologically the opposite and so then a time of that and added stresses stressors
and brand new transitions and new things and unknowns it can all be a bit much and i and i
think that that's important to consider because it's it's like how do you reassess where do i go
from here now that i'm recognizing these things that's effort in a way to look at your life and go
okay where do i need to give myself grace what do i need to let go of in this moment and where
are my priorities and focus because i think it's gotten a little bit muddled because i didn't see
all this coming and i'm trying to always do more than i need to be trying to do in a moment even
when it's good stuff like just i'm trying to keep up with too many things so how do you assess that
or how do you change course or what's the word for it how do you know when you need to pull back or
make a shift where your energy and time's being spent with depending on how you're feeling and
if the anxiety is coming up does that help you inform that for you um you ask uh you ask the
lord about that and since where your piece is at you know same way we make all the decisions
what it where's your piece at um for uh like for instance and i'm just making something up
like if like uh you think about your job okay yeah my piece is still um i'm just gonna pretend
that i'm you and i'm gonna walk through this yes i still feel like my piece at my job and then
you look at your um at the what's your your and moving forward in mediation and all that you know
yes i i you know i do believe that i you know i still have peace there because i'm i'm in the
spirit at the moment you know i'm not you know maybe you've already gone through the exercise
of like what it is your soul wants and in order to let it have its say or whatever
um and if you felt that you needed to do that in order to be able to discern where it is that
your spirit uh what it is your spirit truly believes um is because your soul has had it
say first sometimes it's helpful and um because otherwise the soul feels like it wasn't in it's
part of of who it is uh of your you know your one your spirit soul and body so it's a part of it and
anyway um at the end after that you know the spirit like okay so in the spirit you know i
really do have peace about about you know focusing on the job i have peace about continuing and
pushing forward with the air and you know on um doing activities that um with the lord related to
the progression of the mediation and um but you know when i think about everything that i'm doing
within the collective that i do not have peace about and then you can ask the lord if there's
certain peace that you don't have in a particular area you can think like okay well lord what do i
not have peace about in this area is it because i've been doing it in strife or and you just want
me to to change how i do it or do you want me to change the activities that i'm doing or do you
want me to um uh just just pull just pull back for a little while like maybe say a week and then
touch base with everybody again or pull back for three weeks and without touch base with everybody
again so letting me know you didn't i don't know what it would look like point is where is your
peace and um and wherever your peace is that god has god is going with you to sustain you
in being able to continue all of those things because you will find that in rest we're much
more efficient we can get much more done with much less effort in faster time because god is
the one who's doing it we're no longer doing it well we have to operate according to the tree of
the knowledge of good and evil everything is 10 times harder when we operate according to the
tree of life everything's 10 times easier so it doesn't matter how many things we're doing
if we're operating according to the tree of life we can't compare pat our current number of
activities to when in the in the and and measure them according to like volume and enormity and
whatever as if we were looking at them through through the filter of when we've operated
according to the tree of the knowledge of an evil and under all of that strife and we did
all those activities or we would have done all those activities that were this big oh my word
we would wear ourselves out just because we would wear ourselves out over here does not mean that
Would wear ourselves out here doing those same activities because we're doing them and rest totally different.
So the thing is that my point is that wherever God gives you peace. It means that you are believing your spirit has the faith believing that your God will not can will sustain you
In all of those things. And then you can know that the burden of the responsibility of the result that you get in each of those areas.
In, in, in, in, you know, just proceeding forward with them is not does not rest on you and that God has already put in you in the new man everything that you need.
In all of in order to to operate in all those areas. So you no longer have to work and try and feel that you're approaching your new job.
Or your collective or the mediation, which you've never done before. And you've never walked that process and that path and you don't know what else involved.
You don't have to worry that that I'm I'm approaching these things from a place of lack and therefore it's going to be hard and it's going to be difficult and I got to learn something and I got a learning curve and
If God is giving you peace and all those areas you just put one foot in front of the other, so to speak, without bearing any weight and burden and fear that
It's that you're not having ever walked that path before is in any way going to affect what you do or how you do it or how it's going to result.
It doesn't bear it, you know, because God's taking care of the results.
So that you're not in a place of black God will sustain you in each of those places. And you know that because he gave you peace, meaning that you know he your father will not can that will sustain you in each of those areas.
Hmm, that's so good.
That's so good. Okay, I know it's getting super late. So I guess to wrap it up.
Would you be willing to, you know, when you get a chance, maybe message me
Anything that comes to mind for kind of this the season that I'm in and the specifics to the rest intensive because
I'm meeting this extra support, but I
But I also the busyness, the level of literally the time of the day to call attorneys over lunch break or mediators and take care of my girls and
Keep up cooking at the house and, you know, I mean all the things get enough sleep to go back and do it the next day. I, I want to make sure that I
Am catching the teachings and and concepts that are going to continue helping me through this because it is such a pivotal time, but I almost feel like I can't slow down.
In the moment enough to know where to find what I need, which I know it's all right there. But I'm saying, like, if anything stands out. Yeah, like, for instance, the
What's it called. So even the process that I am still sobering is still new to me when you talk about the
How we stop ourselves and
I don't know if there's a name for that. But a way that we shift into rest. Maybe it's how you call it or
Release. Yeah, everything is just still so new and especially because the past couple weeks have taken me
From the consistency of like listening to teachings and God took me off Facebook for 10 days. So I wasn't even
I just wasn't on like he just had me fasting from Facebook and I still I honestly still struggle right now with Facebook because it's it's
I completely get it. I have I have a private group on there. I'm involved in a couple mentorship groups on there, but it's over
overwhelming
as a whole
Like it's difficult for me to get straight on and not
Feel pulled and even just feel the negative energy of all of the climate of it. It's just it's really tough
And so but I but I need and value these particular things. So if I know I'm going straight to something
It would just be like the greatest help like even in the day-to-day
Um right now just like where it's like i'm i'm in the thick of it
In a great way, you know
but really in the momentum of I want to have the tools to pull out and use so even if there's like two things that
I can consistently do
kind of as as you've heard, you know where i'm at with just um,
working through the
the process of stopping anxiety
Um or shifting back into
that identity or maybe it's just focusing on his his love because that's where
I need to go back to
you know, for instance like I know all these things are probably true, but if any of that is on your heart or
he drops it in your spirit like this is
foundational, um to keep coming back to her stuff that during the day that I can just like
This is one one teaching or one marco polo or whatever that we talked about that'll help me to go back to that place
And continue
In rest where it becomes more of a habit
then
Um, then I like once in a while reminder, I guess, not that you're doing that, just
that I'm doing that where I'm trying to get back to it.
Yeah.
The, the two biggest things that I can think of, um, besides one thing that I don't can't
think of where it is right now, but the two biggest things would be, um, you know, the
love knowing, um, receiving the, that God and choosing to believe in choosing that God
loves us and, and acting like he loves us, like, okay, if the world works like that,
that there's a God that loves us, then what kind of rules would there be in that type
of a world?
And therefore I'm going to live by those rules.
You may not even believe that he loves you to that extent, but if he says that he does,
then you choose that those are the rules by which the world operates and you act and make
decisions based off of those rules.
If you live in a world in which God loves you that much, what would you do?
That kind of thing.
So that's a really big deal.
I'm choosing that some things are reality because God said it is, and then we will effortlessly
and that shifts us into the, into the new nature and we come to effortlessly believe
it.
And then we will, um, then we'll start to see the fact that we believe that God loves
us actually manifest into reality.
Then the other thing would be the healing, the soul through the spirit that, that, um,
that, uh, that session.
So I will put these in a Facebook message and send them to you.
Thank you.
I you're welcome.
I'll see if I can get a link to both of those teachings, um, on my phone.
I don't have access to my computer right now, meaning like for the next few days, but I
do on my phone.
So I'll see if, if the phone will let me like grab a link to both of those and I'll put
it in a Facebook message and send this to you.
Um, and then the only, you really don't have to do that.
And as long as I know which ones, but I so appreciate that.
I mean, if it was something that wasn't a hassle, but truly, I sure I'll, I'll try right
after this and see if I can do that.
The only other thing that is coming to mind that would be very, very important, um, that
I can't think of where I talk about this is the fact that I've talked about it just multiple
times and like Q and A's and whatever is the fact that we choose that some things are reality.
Then we effortlessly will come to believe it.
Then we will effortlessly see it manifest, but we have to choose that if God says it's
true, that we're, that we believe that the, that is the way that the world works.
And therefore we begin, we think if that's the way the world works, what are the laws
by which the, how would the world, uh, what would I then do if that's how the world works?
And then I would do those things.
So would, would, would you, yeah, so, so do you personally talk to yourself in that way?
Do you recommend like what I would love to just almost hear like a day in the life, you
know, or, you know, I mean, honestly to take like the teachings and go, okay, this is how,
but this is how it sounds like when you talk about choosing, you talk about, okay, this,
I'm choosing my reality.
Are you kind of talking to your soul?
Are you, are you saying these things out loud?
Are you pausing and you know, with the Lord, just whenever you realize that you're maybe
not believing that and just tell yourself the truth again, I'm like, what does it look
like?
Cause I know we don't want to make all these extra efforts toward trying to figure it out
or do the right thing.
And at the same time, there is some, I'm hearing there's some actual like choosing and telling
yourself the truth.
That's really helpful.
Correct.
You're choosing and you're telling, but you're not, you're not exuding effort.
You're not trying to do anything.
You're not trying anything.
I'm just doing it.
It's an act of my will and intention, not hard work that I'm doing.
So, um, so yeah, it's, it's my will and my tension.
I did decide.
I think I'm just not doing it.
I think I'm just not doing it because I thought that I wasn't supposed to do it or I wasn't
supposed to try, but then by not doing the new thing and telling myself the truth and
I'm choosing that reality, then I'm falling in the default thinking, which then is the
hard work doing.
So there is a doing.
Yeah.
You don't have to try.
If we're trying, it means that we're still in resistance and therefore we're trying to
like overcome this resistance.
No, the problem is we just need to let go of the resistance.
We need to release it.
So that's what I do is I just think, okay, I don't know what it is that I'm fighting.
I don't know what it is that I'm, you know, what I'm resisting, but I'm going to choose
to stop fighting and I'm going to choose, I'm going to choose that whatever it is I'm
doing to stop.
That is all that we have to do.
That's essentially what everything comes down to.
You're not doing something.
You're stopping doing things.
That's what we do.
We just, if you think, okay, what do I need to do?
Stop doing, stop trying, whatever it is you're doing.
Stop.
And then you will naturally be and naturally live and naturally operate and naturally intend
and naturally send out from your kingly position, everything that you are in everything that
the situation means.
It's when we try to do it because we think that we won't, it won't naturally come out
of us, that, that creates its own resistance.
Right.
And that has honestly been such a habit.
I mean, such a deeply ingrained habit that like, I don't, I'm not even stopping because
I'm just busying myself doing and trying and thinking.
And it's like, I'm not stopping to even be quiet enough.
Yes.
So it's stop doing whatever you're doing.
So I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about externally, I'm talking, you know, internally,
whatever it is you're doing, just tell yourself, just stop.
If you're not getting a positive result in that moment, like you're standing at the kitchen
sink and you're just in your, in your mind is spinning and you're thinking worse, but
you're, you think, Oh, I'm trying to figure out a problem.
No, if you're feeling bad, it's not working.
So whatever it is you're doing, just tell yourself, stop, stop this letter.
I feel like this is going to be me.
Like I'm going to be like, and then like five minutes later or two minutes later, I'm going
to be like, no, stop.
Yeah.
That's what, that's what people talked about.
When I first started talking about this and back in April, that's what people write.
In fact, if you look back in some of the posts in April and there's at least one post in
there that talked about it, she, she would write, I think Amy would write a sentence
and then she'd write stop and she'd write another sentence and she'd, she'd write stop
and she'd write another sentence because she was, she was talking about the fact that she
didn't realize how often that, that she was stirring her own self up.
So she said, I'm constantly finding myself have to, to having to, having to tell myself,
stop doing what you're doing because it's in such a habit and we're in such a habit.
So anyway, that's the thing.
So if you're trying to mull over a problem, you're like, oh, I'm trying to figure this
out.
I got to figure it out by tomorrow.
If you're getting it, if things are not going well, in other words, you're feeling stressed,
you're feeling anxious, you're, you're, it's getting confusing.
You can't see up from down.
You can't untie this very ridiculous, complicated knot.
Just tell yourself, okay, whatever it is I'm doing, just stop.
Stop the resistance, stop thinking, stop that feeling, stop that whatever it is that's going
on in me.
You know, just tell yourself, stop.
You know, you'll understand it better when you watch the one called healing the soul
through the spirit.
Just tell yourself, stop.
And when she stopped, let go of the problem for a second, shift into rest and be like,
okay, I'm stopping resisting.
I'm stopping doing whatever it was I'm doing now.
I'm going to, because I'm stopping resisting because I'm stopped stopping doing whatever
it was I'm doing.
Now I'm going to naturally be everything.
It is that I was trying so hard to do the being and really be the thing.
So now that I'm being the thing, and now that I'm in a place of rest, now let's look at
the problem again.
Well, it's like I'm trying to be like I'm, my efforts are that I'm, it's not that I'm
thinking I'm trying to do, it's I'm trying to be, but I'm trying to do to be, and by
trying to do to be, I'm not being correct.
You use anything that starts with the word, try stop there.
So if you're trying to be, you don't need to try to be your old man had to try to be
because he wasn't the thing naturally.
Your new man doesn't have to try anything.
He already is it.
So if you're trying to be, that's an indication that something's wrong to yourself.
That's how you can know and recognize and acknowledge that what's going on.
Yeah.
Cause she, it's effortless.
You don't have to try to be anything you, you already are every, you are more than what
it is you've ever hoped that you would be.
That would, uh, that would warrant God's quote unquote approval and desire of you.
You've already arrived.
You've already become the thing that we have been told our whole lives by church that we
thought we had to mature into.
We already are that thing.
We just need to allow ourselves to be at and stop resisting the fact that we already are
the thing.
Yes, girl, this is like, it's so funny because this really came up for the first
time.
I mean like an epiphany and it came through a person in a conversation two years ago where,
but it, you know, where like, do you hear things and they don't sink in and then all
of a sudden you hear something and it really hits for the first time.
It was like, you know, that you're the person that you're trying so hard to be that you're
already hurt.
And I was like, wait, what?
Like it blew my whole mind because truly for at that point, 33 years, it was like, I was
trying to be this person that I thought I wasn't yet.
Yeah.
It's amazing how that can run your life.
And all the while I was hurt, all the while, all the while I was already hurt.
That's so, so wild, but cool.
So I hear you.
I hear you.
Okay.
That's really good.
Thank you, Lord.
Well, I'm glad you reached out.
I'm glad you're doing that.
I'm glad to hear an update and I just, you know, you know, declare that, you know, the
Lord is sustaining you and he's providing obviously for you, but he's paving the way.
He's providing for the situation.
He's providing for your girls.
He doesn't burden you with the responsibility of providing for your girls.
He wants you to, just by being yourself, be the one that is allowing themselves to be
available for what it is that God wants to provide for them through you, but you don't
have to provide for them.
It's God who's providing for them through you.
So anyway, and also, also declare that God's, you know, give you his, will just reveal to
you his, his wisdom of how to navigate the situation that you will not, that you will
not be, don't want to word it like this, but you will not be taken for a ride by people
who are giving you advice that you don't know, that you wouldn't know was not advice that
you should be taking or anything like that, that he will, he will, he knows what should
and shouldn't be said and done and what it is you shouldn't, shouldn't do.
And regardless of what it is that you, that you end up doing and handling the mediation
and, and, you know, and taking or not taking the lawyer's advice or whatever that you
choose to do that, that God will smooth and pave the way and any wrinkles or waves that
are created, that he will come in and completely smooth them because he's determined that he's
responsible for the results and you don't have to bear the burden of the responsibility.
So, and that you will know that you're loved.
So, in all of this pressing timeline stuff, is it, it just sort of trying to flow, not
trying, not trying, stop.
That's okay.
Is it like.
They're not, they're not like.
Flowing with him in, in, you know, again, even the action steps where my peace is, is
at.
So taking the steps as I, I feel peace and, you know, on them and, and yet not worrying
if it's not happening according to that timeline that it seems like it should happen according
to either.
Correct.
Always look for where your piece is at, even when you're in the middle of a storm, even
when it looks like everything is upside down and backwards, et cetera, by the way, I don't
remember if I've told you, did I tell you that I've been sued and I've been through
a lawsuit?
Okay.
You mentioned that.
And I think now that you say that, that might be, you might've connected that to when you
said, I, I am familiar with this type of, like we could talk sometime about narcissistic
abuse or I don't know if you use that exact term, but you seem to understand the particulars.
And then I think you did tell me because I've been sued, but then that was the end of the
conversation.
So I forgot you said that till now.
Yeah.
The narcissism that I was referring to was actually unrelated to the lawsuit.
However, come to think of it, there was the, their, the lawyer that was on, that was, that
was the prosecuting lawyer was he, he was a major narcissist, Napoleon syndrome.
It was, it was bad.
It was so bad that the way that he, the way that he handled my deposition, the way he
handled my deposition was so bad that the lawyer publicly, you know, because your depositions
in private, that the lawyer, obviously the lawyer, the, the judge all obviously had the,
the stenographer's record as well as the video of the deposition.
And when we all went before the judge in a hearing, she publicly in front of the court
wrecked him over the coals or how he had treated me.
She just told him that it's not the way that any, any lawyer in, in this profession should
handle things.
And basically she was essentially throwing out the, the deposition and he asked if he
could do it again.
And she said, you can, but you will not ever treat her or anyone else like that again.
I mean, so the reason why I wanted to do this is...
I'm, I'm aware that they, that the situations are extremely ugly and going
through and lawsuit.
And so I have walked through it just in case that's, I don't know, helpful when
you tell me things about like, oh, it feels like this and it feels like that.
Because even though someone doesn't have to have experienced something in order
to be able to speak truth, because truth tends by revelation of the spirit,
not by experience.
However, when people hear someone else's experience, it can make us feel like,
okay, when they tell me what they're telling me, they're not saying it just
in some like a theory or wonder land of they've never gone through what I've
gone through and therefore what they're talking about and what they've
experienced of how powerful this thing is that they're talking about.
That's for smaller things.
That's not for something as big as what I'm encountering.
I want people to understand.
No, it is fully, it can fully sustain us in the very serious, the very
powerful and the powerful things because it's that powerful.
So that's why I mentioned that.
So, and it would help me to hear, it does help me.
I mean, not that it's tonight, but it really does help me each time you
share like parts of your own story.
I know I say that a lot to you, but it's because it's important.
And I believe that deserves that, you know, because whether you, whether
it's in the group chats, you know, like tonight when you, you know, just
even when you shared about how he's freeing you to, to express, even in
your, your dress in your, in your style, you know, the freedom that you're
finding in him, like all of that as a woman, it just, it's that personal
experience really does just add to all of the, the truth, you know, from the
spirit and the teaching that is there no matter what, but then to know that
you've experienced it and especially when it comes to things like narcissism
or being in court and being sued or going up against, you know, somebody else
in court, like that's a, a unique experience that deserves to be shared.
You know, not that you have to go into the details, but I would even want to
know sometime, you know, probably sometime in this process, if we continue
in this legal process, you know, kind of how that felt at times or for you to
share that if it comes up, because, um, I don't really know that many people
who've gone through it that can relate on that and it's just very, it is
affirming and I don't know, it does bring value.
So I'm glad.
Well, if it's, um, helpful, the, um, I, I actually forget very, I usually do
not remember that I went through a lawsuit.
Um, in fact, I, I, you've been talking all this time about the lawsuit and
like, huh, I wonder what that's like.
And yeah, I've never had a bound court ever had financial and all that.
So, and all of a sudden I remember, Oh my word.
I mean, all the exact same.
Yeah.
Healing was healing rest restoration.
God promises full restoration redemption.
And, um, anyway, so anyway, I just mentioned that to you, you know, to, to
let you know that there there's, there's hope these things do not have to do.
Um, we do not have to carry with us.
Yeah.
They're not sewage that affects us and taints us for the rest of our life.
We will come, we can come out of the fire, not even smelling like smoke.
Yes.
Step away.
Wow.
That's a really good reminder, man.
That's so good.
Cause yes, he is promising that.
And sometimes when you're in the thick of it, you haven't experienced
the fullness of that freedom yet, but you're tasting of it and you're,
you know, but he promises the fullness of it.
And that's even my mentor, Nate Johnston.
I don't know if I've talked to you about, um, Nate and Christina,
I've probably mentioned it, but.
He's talking about this exact topic in his teachings lately.
Like it's so profound.
It's just so profound.
Cause he's saying like those of you all, you know, in this prophetic
mentorship group, like all of you who are, you know, have been through
whatever trauma, like it's really, the Lord is saying we don't have to carry
that on, like it's, we get to now it's a season to now enjoy, enjoy, enjoy
again, like, cause when you're in survival mode and you're living out
of trauma, it just can feel so heavy for so long and so dark that
you can lose sight of joy.
And he was just talking about how you don't, yeah.
Like the details of some, from someone who must've gone through their own
trials to really know how and articulate this to say that there is,
we don't have to keep it.
We don't, he doesn't intend for us to carry it forward, even though it felt
like it was a part of us for so long or that, you know, it ran so deep or
whatever, he truly can restore fully and wants to.
and it's just beautiful so thank you for that friend you're welcome thank you so much and i
know i'm gonna be um working all day tomorrow and then with the girls all weekend but i would love
to just i'm just letting you know i would love to to have a chance to just sneak in a marco
yeah polo kind of thing um not that i expect anything from you but just as accountability
to myself to not go it alone i guess as i'm going through and doing all the things in equal days
that i'll be not out of out of touch or out of the loop um completely even if i'm not on facebook
and in the group much so yes please do please do i'd like to i'd like you to um stay in touch
with me via marco polo very glad i thought of that yay okay friend love you thank you so much
you too you speak well of course you too and your rainbow shirt so i guess you're probably
it's so perfect it's my favorite and i feel like it was for you today but also a gift to me that
you wore that good i'm so glad the lord talks to us in sweet ways yes rainbows and colors are
are just big almost like hourly this week it's just i can't even tell you like i've had personal
friends send me personal private messages of rainbows double rainbows posting rainbows
everywhere rainbows and it's like they're just so much right now through through colors so
yeah all right and one more thing to mention about the rainbows is remember that when god
made that promise it was not a promise that was asked for he is so good that he said i would like
to offer to myself that i will that i will never flood the earth again so just think about the
promises that he that um you know you feel like he's communicating to you all this promise
it's something that he's offering you that is so good and so above and beyond that it's something
you're not even asking for so anyway and he and he's pursuing you with it like a lover like a
lover oh oh oh and also really cool news the same two women that lead taff the organization um
they shared with me after they asked about the custody and then it just kind of like came out
as this huge blessing that they help with legal fees and and want to help with that and then we
talked about the collaboration piece of what we want to do um and then they said well actually
we're gonna start a study um the first study with this connect group of women and it's gonna be on
song of solomon oh wow that's great like the divine romance and i was just thinking this is so
wild it's like he's been saying my love is wild and it's you know tender and kind of back to the
beginning like teaching one of what we came into with the rest intensive and and we'll go back to
but it's it's all he's just all pointing to yeah he wants to take us deeper into his love and he's
saying that for me for sure like i want to it's love and rest love and rest like that's those
two big themes and so it's pretty cool that um yeah love is what gives us rest but how many how
many women study song of solomon i know you're right yeah that's pretty cool how many people
agree yeah i know because it feels very intimidating because there's so much like
well what is that yes and i've been meaning to say this is a really probably i hope it's not
awkward to you interesting topic to end with but when you talked about i re-listened to part of
your teaching your your loved one the first one where you talk about how it's very different to
talk about him being sexually aroused by his people and how it's like spiritually you know
not the way that we would think of it physically but that um yeah but that's very real and it's
interesting because there's been times in this journey with him of singleness that um oh they're
pulling up to say it's the park is closed oh shoot okay hi there yes i ended up on a zoom call late
i need to go thank you okay good night i guess the park closed at a certain time here recently
um so they don't have people hanging up um so yes i'm wrapping up and he's not he was really
friendly um okay but with with that whole thing there's been this is super i hope it's not tmi
but like there's just been a few times in my season of singleness this year specifically like
god totally took me through this purity thing where i struggled for a really long time with
like just the sexual i mean i was married for 10 years and i was never really sexually like i was
Um, I had a couple of long-term relationships before I got married, but I only slept with
one person before I got married.
And um, that was like, you know, a long-term five-year dating relationship.
And I felt awful.
And there was all this struggle of like, we were trying to like not to go to youth group
and doing all the right things, but like, we'd already opened that door and it was so
hard and then there's just, uh, whatever, young love.
And then it's like me and my husband, we even waited, we, you know, and then, but then you
go through this horrible, yeah, divorce and you're thinking like, here we waited and look
how that blew up, you know, like who cares?
I mean, you know, so I kind of went through a, a, just a really broken stage of just really
not caring anymore.
Like you know what I mean?
Like things that I had never done or I didn't party a lot in college and all that.
So I really, I went through several dating relationships where I just kind of gave myself
away and those thinking, you know, while I'm all in with this person or each time I kind
of thought like, this is going to go somewhere.
One of them, I felt just kind of compelled because he actually took advantage of me.
And so then I thought I had, I was like, I feel like I have to date him now because I've
never had a one night stand.
Like that's not who I am, you know?
So I ended up going, you know, all of a sudden, like I slept with a several people like, Ooh,
you know, I mean, so many friends I know, like they could tally it up back when I was
like, I've only been with one person, you know, but there's no shame necessarily in
that.
Now, like I look back on that, but the point is, is that it was a year ago today, actually.
So we're celebrating right now.
It was a year ago today that I committed to the Lord to be single and said goodbye to
a relationship he called me away from.
And a year ago today, a year ago today, sitting in a park, it's a very monumental day, like
huge because he's, he's moved so much in my life in this one year, it's not even funny.
But one thing he did was like, take me out of a very, like, that was a very sexual, like
we had a, it was like, we were married, like it was, which is not cool.
Like he basically said, we're covenanted and we have like this commitment ceremony and
everything with like these prophetic like pastors, but it was very, very like closed
and small and, you know, just several people, um, they're like private and secret and do
you know what I mean?
But it was like, he was, he was encouraging me and he's like a worship leader and this
prophetic person that all these people like talk about and look up to and stuff.
So I just was like trusting that he was different.
And then I, I fell into that in the sense that I was like, oh yeah, well we, you know,
it all just seemed so real and so right.
And so it didn't feel like we were rushing, but we were totally rushing.
And so when that ended, um, it was me having to choose to listen because the Lord is very
clear and Holy Spirit told me like, there's no hope here.
And I tried everything I could once, basically once the commitment ceremony happened, he
turned into like another person, like all his true colors came out.
And so we spent a few months trying to figure that out.
So I knew by the end of that relationship, the Lord was so clear with me.
That was the end.
That was truly the end of that cycle thinking I needed a man or that, you know, this person
was going to be different.
Even somebody like that seems so wonderful and all these worship circles and, and people
that I knew and trusted and whatever.
And I was just had no desire, but I still struggled sexually, like because of all the
impurity that was there and thinking that we were like almost married and like, he took
me from being, you know, being physical with him in that relationship to then being completely
done my choice, which heart was heartbreaking because I thought I was going to marry this
guy.
Right.
But my choice to choose the Lord over him.
And then I was still struggling with like, you know, self-pleasure, the masturbation
thing.
And that had been a long-term struggle off and on.
And just a guilting, horrible shaming process of like, I would feel so awful.
And then I would shame myself and on and on.
And he completely took it from me.
Like just, just under a year ago, soon after that relationship ended, like took it after
like, that was like, I was 16 when I discovered that.
And so I had never, you know, had it completely taken from me.
It was still an ongoing struggle for 20 years, you know?
Right.
Yeah.
Cause almost 20, you know, 20 years says I'll be 36.
And so that was huge.
But then more recently in the past few months, this is where I'm like, I hope this isn't
TMI.
There's been a few times where just in my, in my sleep, like in my dreams and just, and
he's given me so many more dreams and prophetic dreams and stuff, like I've orgasmed and not
hadn't had, hadn't had anything to do.
with any. Yeah. Physical, sexual relationship or anything. And I almost was like wanted
to feel guilty, but then I was like, but I can't, I don't feel like I should, what can
feel guilty because why, you know, but it was, it was interesting because I wondered,
you know, does anybody ever experience this? And is this, is this. People do, absolutely.
Is it like something that, you know, is completely separate from the impure kind of experiences
I've had in the past. It seems so different, you know? Yeah. Well, you, why? Because you
were quote unquote unconscious and then, and it was happening in your dream and you weren't
Well, yeah, I think that was a big piece of it. I was not, you know.
You what?
Oh, I thought where, um, uh, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't awake. Yeah. Yeah. Correct. So, yeah. Oh,
I was just saying I wasn't awake. Okay. And one of the times, you know, two of the times were
just like completely, purely like had that experience in my sleep. So I didn't even know,
you know, is, I guess that's also still physical things. I felt the sensations and everything,
but I was completely asleep. Um, and there was no sexual dream, no man in the picture, nothing.
Yeah. Correct. Yeah. Um, I don't, uh, um, I mean the way that I have believed,
I don't know how to put this. Um, even when we're unconscious, you know, if, if there are
things that are either, um, that are our souls still believes that we have been, that we have
given, um, um, if we have a kind of like a particular bent or in other words, a, that's
a really bad way to put it. If, if there's something that are, are, um, our soul is still
not in agreement with the Lord about regarding that, then, then it can still evidence itself
in our dream. And because our soul can show what it is, it can show some deep things within us in
our dreams also though, but here's the thing. So it's not that maybe how, uh, like, uh,
the, the enemy can also attack us at night and can tack us in. In other words, it attacks us
in areas in which we're weak, not in areas in which we're strong. So, um, so both of those
seem kind of negative, both examples you gave. Correct. Correct. I mean, cause in other words,
it's not, it's not a good and like this wholly, you know, theme, even though it's happening where,
you know, someone is asleep and they're not consciously making a decision because there's
something that, you know, we're more than, than our conscious. We're also our subconscious. And
then some people even categorize it in the third area called the unconscious, whatever, however
many consciousness feels that we have, you know, it's still, there's a, there's their, um, their
triggers and their roots to within us. So the thing is that, that perhaps I do not know this,
and I'm not trying to declare this over you. I'm just giving you some ideas that you can take
before the Lord and see. Um, in other words, basically, here's my point. Just take all of
that before the Lord and say, Lord, I do not know where this came from, but because you know, you
have, you, I declared that you have healed me and it is manifested as healing for the past year.
I don't know where these other things came from while I was in my sleep, but I don't know if,
if, um, Satan was attacking me in my, in my weakness in an area that is so deep that I don't
even know, I still have that accusation against your character. Lord, I still didn't know it was
there, but he knew it was there. And so he attacked it at night and my soul responded.
So Lord, I am giving that to you. And I'm declaring, as you have, I'm declaring your
words back to you that, that I am healed, that I am restored, that I am, you know, forgiven,
that I am, you know, whatever it is that the Lord walked you through specifically,
that was important to you and him when he, when you say that he, he freed you from it.
I am free, not, I will be free and you did free me. No, no, no. It's so way beyond. It was like,
it was like back when Christ died on a cross, you were freed and you're declaring all those things.
I am healed. I am freed. I am. And then, and so, and then you just leave it. You just leave it
as doorstep. You declare because you have the right to declare the judge's words after him
that he has already declared to be true. Yeah.
You just declare them again. And then, and then you go on, you don't have to,
you had, don't have to ruminate over it. And, you know, or, you know,
I'm sorry. You know, sackcloth and ashes. No, you're just like,
it does seem like negative. It's not like a thing from the Lord.
Well, I mean, did you feel any, any peace from the spirit about it?
Yeah. You felt peace from the spirit.
Like I felt peace from the spirit.
Well, sure. I mean, I, I didn't feel any impurity.
And so that's what I'm asking. Like,
is that impure just because that happens if there's no
association with impurity and there's, there's no lack of
Understand that even when we do things like say, for instance,
even if you were to have done it consciously,
like I'm not talking about in your dream,
we're talking about like consciously awakened, you're still not tainted.
So regardless of whether it's in the dream or out of the dream,
doing it consciously or unconsciously, you're not tainted.
So there's nothing that we have to consider or worry about or,
or deal with regarding that. So as far as like the whole negative thing,
but it can't be a spiritual thing. Like it can't be like a good thing.
Well usually it reveals the fact I'm saying usually because I'm
couching it a bit. Usually it's, it's
an evidence of, you know,
and of a way in which we do not believe we're being protected and provided for
by the Lord. So we're making provision for ourselves to feel good.
A lot of times masturbation and, and, and
pornography come from a,
from someone who has dealt with a mother wound.
Sure. That is, that's where a lot of that comes from. But, um,
so anyway, as far as,
even if you're not masturbating or it has nothing to do with anything sexual,
it's just the sensation of euphoria.
And it's, you don't feel like you're not masturbating.
You're not doing anything to make it happen. It's like,
like you're saying that, right. I just want to be clear, clear, like,
well, it could be left over from that.
Even if it's not in this case due to that.
Well, okay. So I'm going to, I do not know. I do not know what happens.
I don't know what it all in the spirit. I do know that the thing itself,
you know, orgasm, all of that. It's not bad. So therefore,
so, so it's when we're trying to self pleasure,
self gratify,
because we believe that we are lacking and we're trying to provide it for
ourselves. That's the problem. So if we do it in the right, in the,
in the way that God intended for it to operate, it's great.
So therefore, and it's good and God given.
So therefore my point is take this before the Lord.
You said that you felt peace in your spirit about it. Is there some way,
God is the one who made our bodies.
God's the one who made that a good and wonderful thing for us to feel.
So as far as like,
is there some spiritual way in which he was,
I don't know,
allowing your body to respond euphorically or manifest a euphoria that,
I don't know, you know,
that was him trying to communicate something to you or what,
what would you call it?
Could it be part of me receiving his love? And I don't know,
is that totally wrong or weird because we're talking about his love being,
you know, this.
To be perfectly honest, I, I do not know.
I, because when I was talking about the fact that he's sexually aroused by his
people,
it's sexually aroused in a spiritual way that sexual arousal is a type and
shadow of on this earth,
but it doesn't mean that as far as like is any way that he interacts with it and
the spirit,
does it ever manifest down into the body in that way?
To be honest, I do not know.
There's part of me that, that, and that believes, well, my goodness, you know,
God does all kinds of things that, you know,
we would just immediately say absolutely no to that.
Yeah.
I also feel like, you know, again, it's, it's,
it's sexual in some nature because there's that physical sensation with it.
So, you know, even though I didn't, I didn't do anything to cause it,
it could be, yeah, I could see how it could be from the soul or it could be from
the spirit.
So yeah, so my point is that there are so many times that we would just automatically
dismiss something as, Oh my goodness, that can't be from the Lord.
And God's like, why wouldn't it be?
You know?
So I'm very aware of that.
And that, and I'm saying, I don't know at the same time though, I am very aware that
there are all kinds of things that we claim, like say for instance, when people have those,
those public orgies, because that sexual act is a gift from the Lord, but doing it publicly
and doing it for certain things does not make it a good thing.
Even though it is to people who are consensual, maybe even husbands and wives, I don't know,
whatever you do, but doing it in public and all of that, it's kind of like, and they're
saying, Oh yeah, this is an act of worship to the Lord.
Uh, no, not in public that, you know what I'm saying is that there's like, God does
all kinds of things and it's bigger than what it is that we believe that he is.
But as far as like something like this, to be honest, I do not know.
I could see it going either way is my point.
So, so the Lord, how I felt about it too.
So that's good.
Yeah.
And just kind of let it rest at exactly whatever you do.
You just, you just take it before him and just respond according to whatever way that
he gives you peace in your spirit, because you don't have to worry that if you have peace
in your spirit, Oh, but what if something was wrong, but I'm not feeling that it was
wrong.
And there's nothing.
If you have peace in your spirit, there's nothing that God is saying that needs to be
reconciled or whatever, because remember, even if you had done it intentionally, you're
not tainted.
So it doesn't matter if you have peace in your spirit, then God's like, Hey, we're fine.
You and I are fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's the important thing.
Okay.
That's good.
Cool.
That's so awesome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I hope you have a good night.
You too, friend.
Get some good rest and I will, while I'm playing with the girlies this weekend, I'll just say
hi.
I'm Marco.
I'll look forward to be in touch.
Okay.
Awesome.
All right.
Love you.
Love you too.
Bye.