I'm going to throw some watermelon.
Hello.
Hi, are you good?
It's good to see you.
Good to see you to get the lighting Okay, can you see me?
Yeah, it's great.
It's perfect.
It's like evening but just lit enough, you know,
trying to set that up.
There we go.
Sorry.
Are you with friends?
Huh?
Oh, you're in your cousin's bed.
No, no.
I'm at my parents house.
Oh, your parents.
I thought you said your cousins.
Okay.
Your parents.
Cozy.
Yes.
I'm in Texas.
I am.
So I, yeah, I was in Colorado for a back in Colorado for a week.
And now I'm in Texas.
Then next week, I plan to head.
To North Carolina where I should be there for about two weeks.
Oh, my goodness.
That's hard.
I, my family's in North Carolina.
A lot about that.
Well, I'm going to go visit Holly.
And then, and I don't know where she lives exactly.
And then I'm going to go to Greensboro.
She lives somewhere in the Sandhills area.
Okay.
I don't know where she lives.
I don't know.
We're talking about it. Okay.
In the end,
I'm going up to Greensboro to visit with a pastor friend of mine.
And then going to Asheville for a conference.
With some, some friends from.
That I was with Missouri and Denver.
All of that stuff.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm sure it's.
Yeah, it's about.
About.
Manifest.
How would you put it?
Recognizing that who it is that we are in the spirit.
And, and how to.
How to live more from the spirit.
I guess is how you would word that. Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you, do you have people that you can point to that?
You would say are.
Like aligned with your, you know,
the way that you see things and the way that you see the Lord,
because I know it is very different.
Then mainstream. And then even within.
You know, the world of.
Nearby like streams. Like, do you have sort of a.
Do you have people that you can point to that are aligned with you?
Yeah.
I mean,
I don't know if we're going to put you on conferences because I know
that we're going to align and.
Even if it's not a denomination or anything, but like,
is it like that?
Or do you just feel like you just kind of pick and choose based on.
Each individual.
Like person.
There were, there are a lot of them that all know each other. Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean,
sometimes connections that I have with certain people and connections
that they have with the people that are putting on conferences.
Like the guy that I'm going to go.
His conference. I'm going to go to his.
He is best friends with my friend who was one of the speakers at the
Missouri conference.
And he was actually connected with my friend.
And then kind of find out their, their best friends. So, so yeah,
I just hear about people through.
Through some others.
And.
You know, I don't know a lot of these.
I don't know it's not really a circle but it's like there's individual circles in a certain place in among certain people those circles converge.
Preachers and pastors, they all kind of know each other.
There are certain areas of the circles that do not converge, and there are certain parts of the service that you converge with other with other people in other circles so it's a little bit of a little bit of a hodgepodge.
Yeah, I feel that that makes a lot of sense that resonates with what, I guess, I would say, where I'm at too, because it's not like a.
Yeah, it's based on on connections and circles, but not any one necessarily.
Or it's like hard to put a name on it, you know, but there's not like a name.
There's like a few names of people that, you know, I could, I could give you like you said like individuals that I know that have.
Then you know communities and things like that but not like, it's this denomination or this group or.
Yeah.
Aside from our group, and my friends and mentors that lead a group called grow that I've been a part of this past year, like I wouldn't say there's any other rhyme or reason, necessarily except for you just know you know when your spirits like connect and
when it resonates with people.
Yeah, like you'll know.
I don't know it feels like one thing leads you to another like there's just all these connections the Lord just makes and it happens and you just know it's right like, you know, it's, you know, it's safe and good to pursue so that's cool.
That's exciting. I've heard really great things about Asheville, I have a lot of people that have, you know, along the way even Mike, a good friend from high school has lived there and she's an artist and there's a great supposedly a great like artistic kind of community
their music, music and art and culture, which I'm sure there's a lot of that that is completely far from God.
But, you know, he's in it all, you know, I mean he's, he's there.
Cool things happening among among all these artistic people in Asheville.
Yeah, yeah, I'm curious what it's been like for your like your travels and stuff because I don't think that I've gotten to hear.
You've been in a rhythm of traveling, what your adventures have, what's kind of the overall what's God doing and showing you and what's it been like my word, I'm showing me that he is.
It really triggers. Well, he's trying to show and get me to enjoy whatever he gives me and how it works, as opposed to trying to learn a lesson.
Just actually just enjoy it. I'm giving this to you. This is a good thing, you know, enjoy how I want it to look like, okay, you know, okay, what am I supposed to be learning here and and pass the test and all of that guys just like no enjoy it.
But aren't I supposed to be learning something because things look like they're Cali wampus and surely I've messed up somewhere or I'm supposed to be looking at a particular way in order to like faith it through or because I know better than all of this and yet, I mean I still do it, which is why, again, he has to move me in greater and greater measures, because I'm like okay I know how to operate in rest up to a particular point.
And beyond that, I still want to go to the tree of knowledge good and evil or faith it out or, you know, work or, or whatever. And so I hit those new boundaries in those that my old defaults, you know, start coming up and God's like no no no actually now this is a new area in which we're going to learn how to rest I'm like, Lord, I don't know how to do that in this area.
So, stuff like that comes back you know fears, fears of abandonment you know whatever accusations that I have against the Lord, Lord, are you going to be there for me.
Lord, it doesn't look like you're here for me right now.
And I don't know what to do with this.
I needed you yesterday, and you weren't there.
I'm meeting you right now but you still have time to come in at the 1111.99 hour, you know, it's like no no no, Lord, the, you know, it passed yesterday.
Where were you, you know, all of that. And so just just triggers and fears of my own accusations I have against Lord my own abandonment.
You know he abandoned me or doesn't love me or doesn't notice me or doesn't care or I've messed it all up and I'm all wrong and I just knew it I can't get this right, or, you know, all the shame that comes up so that's what all of this is, is.
That's what I've been encountering.
As we encounter those things anyway, just, it's just that traveling, I'm just
encountering in them in some very interesting ways, um, the way that a
friend of mine explains it is, is, um, they were like, actually, you've got
to let your soul get used to traveling.
Because there's a lot in the constant shifting and the constant unknown and
the constant need to be flexible and the living in someone else's house and the,
whatever that, that, you know, a little bit is fun.
And then it, where it's just constant that he's, he's like, Ashley, you know,
your soul has got to get used to the traveling and, and as your soul gets
used to that, it's going to be triggered and your accusations against the
Lord are going to be coming up.
Sure enough.
And, uh, so anyway, yeah, that's, that's what I've been been working with is,
um, I've been having, uh, I hadn't, in fact, I was with people for about two
and a half weeks, solid, solid two and a half weeks.
And I, from, from a woman who's used to living alone.
Yes.
I, um, and I, uh, as soon as I left my friends, I crashed.
I mean, I absolutely crashed.
Um, and, uh, because I told the Lord, I was like, Lord, I know why I know why I'm
crashing.
It's because I've been with other people for two and a half weeks
and now I'm alone with you.
Similar places.
It's funny, like context, but very surprisingly, like similar to what I'm
going through and it's interesting to hear you describe it because it's yeah.
Yeah.
It's a lot about, about what it's like to be alone, alone in the unknown.
And it's sort of like, just with you at times, like, it's great to be just with
him.
And at times it's, it's, it's, I feel lonely.
Um, and he's like, I'm, but I'm here.
I know other people might not get it or, you know, just there's people that just
don't get it or there's even careless with, with, you know, your heart or
whatever, like, especially in the season, I think he's showing us in the transition
season that we're in as a people, like just the old alignments.
Um, not every single one, but a lot of the old alignments and a lot of what we
found comfort in is it's, it's shifting and changing because yeah, not everybody
can be in the birthing room, you know, of what, what we're birthing and what he's
birthing through us.
And, um, but yeah, it can feel really lonely and there's times that I, I'm
feeling that, you know, and then he's like, but you have me like, I'm, I'm right
here.
I'm the Holy spirit.
I'm your bestie.
Right.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
But it's just funny how much, and maybe this isn't the case for you, but I can
kind of get used to community or have, um, cause I think it is really valuable,
but at the same time, there's another level of just being with him and being
really okay.
Um, with all of those questions are just, you know, like you said, triggers
are things inside that are coming up and there isn't something to busy or someone
to, you know, busy yourself with or to comfort it.
Yeah.
So anyway, what about you?
How are you?
Yeah.
I mean, that's it like a, a snapshot of, you know, some of how it is in this
season that I find myself in.
Cause I feel like the same season that you've been traveling has been kind of
the start of, of now reflecting back.
I didn't know.
I mean, I knew it was like, you know, things are changing as a new job and
everything with the girls school and now the legal stuff, and there was a lot
changing, but I didn't understand like the significance of what that would mean.
Not just in the, the schedule change and things like that, but it's, it's, it's
truly like a season change, if that makes sense, where there's been new, just a lot
of like new feelings and new like I said, like loneliness that I haven't known, but
also, you know, a chance to really be okay with getting quiet.
it because I think I was moving into you know he had said rest and he said this is a rest and reset
and that was the time that I had reached out to you in June July but then that was the beginnings
of it you know and I feel like there was this other there's been kind of a second part too
to what the rest and reset looked like because along with I can't fully explain like I didn't
I didn't feel like I had any heads up or like knowledge enough to even
I guess it was uncomfortable to not even have time or or or the heads up enough to let anyone
in my life know that suddenly everything was going to change like I didn't have the heads
up so therefore I couldn't give other people the heads up and suddenly I don't know maybe
it felt kind of like if if you would have suddenly hit the road and maybe you did suddenly
hit the road you know but like where there wasn't any like heads up or you weren't able to tell the
people around you and you hit the road you know and so there's just like this newness and new
adventures in your time and where you are and you're you know everything everything is shifting
and yet there's not really even for me like a chance to like I I just happen I'm trying to
explain like how it just it happened and I wasn't expecting for it to not all all just change
schedule wise but like I said that it would change internally and that it would be a season where I
would feel and now I can describe it like six weeks in but feel like a a hiddenness like that
the Lord's like hiding me in him and pulling me back and everything like things that I didn't
expect for him to pull me back in right not just because I'm busy but that's a big part of it
but even like how exhausted I felt um that it isn't just a physical exhaustion you know and
so it's it's almost like trying it feels like you're almost going like what's happening what's
happening because you you have to keep functioning and doing life but for me I mean it is I've dealt
with like adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue and things like that but I know it's more than that I
know it's not just a physical thing and I know the like the weight the weightiness of of the
grief that has come up and the emotions and things like that that's gotta have to do with it but
there's just times that I'm um I'm just overwhelmed by the level of exhaustion that I feel that I can
barely kind of peel myself um up off the floor it feels like not just again physically but almost
even in like a posture of I almost just have to be at his feet and it's almost like a
and I'm sure part of this came through the divorce stuff being sort of in my face again
through like mediation and that failing and knowing it was going to but then the reality
when it came down um I just felt like a few weeks ago when that happened there was there was another
level of grieving sort of the death of everything not not again not that I even really understand it
but potentially you know I've held on to hope because you have to hold on to hope um always
you know that even the things that that I was doing in terms of um the waiting and the waiting
on the lord and the waiting on the lord and and in the meantime taking the right steps doing all
the right things like with to the best of my ability which isn't easy to discern with attorneys
and what you know when to respond or not to respond to the games and the tactics and the
emails and the different things and waiting and having to like the girls like the the emotions
they go through and being so in tune with them and yet not having the ability to fully rush in
and help because there's all these limitations and what I can do it feels you know like you're
not bound but you're bound but living in such a way that coming out of being under his like thumb
and feeling like he has this power over me and living in terror and fear of the next thing he
was going to do like coming out of that with the lord and as I did that there was still
okay now I'm not like he doesn't have this power over me but I still very much living in the
limitations of this hasn't fully manifest what god's promising me what he keeps reminding me
it's not manifest in the natural like to where the circumstances are different like I'm different
something's very different in me and the lord's healed and done a huge thing and I mean I yeah
even from last fall like he he literally he literally stopped the triggers that I was having
like every 10 minutes like to the point where
I just, I didn't feel like I had anything except to cry out to him for help with what was like these, these physical, you know, emotional triggers what you read about with PTSD and things that were so excessive and he broke that off like in an instant,
it was, you know, not that anything didn't ever like threatened to come back and in certain moments but like that that incessant, like, just the, the, the terrorizing fear and tormenting fear, and the triggers that went along with that of, and the
and stuff like that completely like he literally saved me. And that was huge turning point, and yet, fast forward again it's like I'm changing inside but then I can't fully rescue my girls from the things that they're going through.
All right, some, some simple things that they want, you know, for months and months that when you hear you know their hearts desires they want to dance and they want to.
They want to take dance lessons and they've been asking for now two years and in the meantime, instead of getting to say yes to that.
Because, you know, I've always been into the arts and I want that for them and I see the joy and music and when they sing and dance and do art and paint and all these things.
And it's like they ask and ask and ask and we talked about it and my heart is always right there with them and yet I have these roadblocks where it's like well I can't do anything without his permission in a way right now like I can't do anything
without, without, you know, him lashing out in some way I can't do anything without him, taking us for a spin and so it's just, it just feels like you're doing this and I think that when the mediation.
Like he, he basically like Pharaoh said no for the last time and that was really the final.
That was, you know, and everyone's been a consensus kind of opinion the final effort, and the last thing that we could do to to try even after waiting and being the underdog and taking the hits and all that and just waiting so many times that he would
say no, even though it wasn't a shock.
It, it was, it was like some kind of shots final.
Yeah, and I think that that brought the grief that I hadn't fully felt because there's again you always keep hope alive.
In order to keep going in this and.
And so there's some part of me that was like well if we're going to go through this and we're going to spend $1,000 in mediation and we're going to, you know, all of this that you're gearing up for something.
You know, you're gearing up for something and I mean to see how the Lord came through on everything in three weeks time from there.
The getting ahold of my attorney after five months of coven and not hearing from her to the job timing of to finding a mediator because it's extremely difficult around here to find like family law, they're completely swamped and overwhelmed and then
COVID on top of it but there's just not that many who don't have a conflict of interest.
So to, to even find a mediator right away and my first call, which I had called last year, trying to find a mediator and it was not the doors weren't opening and this time it was the first call, they were like ready to schedule.
And then, and then it was the whole you know within a week's time realizing Okay, I thought this was like a few hundred dollars that you know I needed to do, because it's written that whoever requested pays for it, but instead it was like $1,000 and so
we need to come up with the rest of that so Lord provide.
I'm trusting you because I'm in a new job and I don't even have time to, like, figure anything out or worry about it at all and I'm just not going to I'm just going to trust you and then he did it within 24 hours and all this like to come to that place, and him
moving moving moving, there was some kind of expectation that like okay this is this is us we're bringing all that we have we're bringing the courage or bringing the finances were scheduling the time we're waiting on him because he had to be tracked down by the
to go to do the mediation, it was like such a.
It's just like really you know, like I don't.
I'm not shocked, but it just, it is shocking to, you know, in a way to go.
Okay, this was like your opportunity, your one opportunity and I've looked for every other way and tried to open up every other avenue and door, and you're still going to say no.
You know, I don't know why it brought such grief up but it did.
And so I've spent a few weeks feeling kind of extra fatigued.
like, on top of trying to get used to being gone so much and
just it's just a lot to work full time outside the home, like,
and then to take care of the home and the groceries and the
bills and the thing like in the girls and, you know, and then I
felt like there was so much time spent with the mediation stuff
and the attorneys and all this on top of it that when that
happened, instead of me feeling like, oh, that's one less thing.
It felt like this wave of just emotional fatigue, like, through
the grief of just I could cry for days, and I don't even know
how to explain why. And I, I got through, you know, got through
that, like, one day at a time, you know, with him. And in that
same time period, I mentioned earlier, it's it's the feeling
of being pulled back so much that it feels like a really
lonely road, but it's okay, because he's really what I'm
needing to, you know, cross over from from the old into the new
and it really is such a Yeah, he's just being really kind and
obvious with certain things that keep, he keeps bringing up
certain words and concepts, and visions and things like over and
over and just reminding me that it really is okay, that there's
another level of letting go and another level of dying to the
old in a sense, not that we're supposed to, like, I don't think
like I did in the in the days of, you know, we need to kill
our flesh and our flesh is bad. I'm not saying like that. But
there's there's
yeah, it just feels like dying to expectations dying to
hopes and dreams in a way like even though I know God's gonna
make it so much better, there's not any clarity except his
promises, which are enough. But it's losing all of what felt
like possibilities of, of kind of what was next or where it
could go into like this whole new world that isn't fun for me.
Not that I'm not thankful for his provision. It's just not fun
to feel like all your time is taken and you can barely process
what you're going through and you don't have time to even
explain to your closest friends like where you're at. You know
what I mean? You just kind of have to like feels a bit like
survival and felt just like really pulled off Facebook. And
that's not just because I'm so busy. I felt like just I don't
know, just very bombarded on Facebook by all the things. And
just like God was like, you just need to not. And, and so that's
hard, because that's a connection, you know, to so many
people that I value and just not being there for people not being
present and not being able to say why it feels a little bit
like when you move, or again, like if you, you know, the
traveling thing, and didn't get to say bye to your friends. Like,
I know, it's like dramatic to say it that way. Because I know
it's not forever. But it feels a bit like that, like if you up
and moved and like life, everything changed, but you
couldn't say bye to the people before you left. And I know that
he'll bring around what and who needs to be here. But again, it
feels like a grieving sort of the old and a letting go of the
hopes or the, this is how I, you know, like to operate in
relationships. This is what I want to have energy for. This is
in some ways what I want to do and just embracing me and him.
You know, obviously, my family included in that, but not a lot
outside, which is even like when it comes to purpose and calling,
you know, and I'm sure you'll understand this, because I know
you came into coaching, you know, having gone through from
what you shared so far, some some different seasons of, you
know, I was gonna do this, and then he kind of switched gears.
And then he made it really clear that I was supposed to do this.
And, you know, so I know, it's not over yet. But in a sense,
it's like, I've just never, like, with all of my being felt
that sort of going into a cocoon, in a sense, like, I know
it's not over. But the things that were moving along, and that
even were from him. Like, I don't think I did anything wrong,
or I missed it, it just suddenly seemed to kind of drop off. And
suddenly my focus and everything had to be different. And there's
like a grief with that, too, that again, is part of letting
go of the old and he said, you know, burn the ships. And if
you're familiar
with that story and history.
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about,
but there's a song that was written about it,
but it's talking about,
what is his name?
The Spanish,
this is the Spaniard that had like all these men,
they were gonna go conquer this territory.
I'm gonna botch this,
but yeah, basically they were coming in with their ships
and they were gonna like,
like they were totally outnumbered
and they were gonna have to take over this territory.
And basically in a moment he was just like,
like we're gonna burn the ships,
like we're gonna actually blow up our ships
because like there's no turning back
and in doing so,
they knew that they had no other choice
and they literally did the impossible.
And so yeah, so then the Christian worship song
or whatever written about that,
that was something that God had said to me
soon before I met you,
it was like,
I know like he's saying burn the ships,
but I kept finding myself,
I don't know if you ever experienced this where you,
it's like, you know that's the thing to do,
but something in your soul or that realm
is like sort of butting up against it
and not really,
not doing it.
It's like, you kind of know,
like these are things that I could do to
deal with that thing or to let go or whatever
and yet like I just find myself standing still in a sense,
like I knew I was gonna need a bit of a nudge from him
because it felt like it was deeper and bigger
than what I could understand at that time.
You know what I mean?
Like I had that sense of,
he's saying burn the ships,
that means like all of this pain and this trauma
and the stuff that I've carried like with me,
like that he's like really truly wanting to
like draw that line and bury it.
Like he said, bury it.
And I think that because,
yeah, just because like in a big way,
that's been, you know, my recent years,
but that's been like even like life as I've known it.
Like I know a lot of people go through really hard things
and there's like way, way worse things
and yet it doesn't change the fact that like,
I've known just a lot of grief and pain and shame
and even carrying my parents shame
and just not having parents like relationships,
you know, abandonment, rejection, things like that.
And then repeating that in my marriage
and how that went down and the red, you know,
the scarlet letter on my forehead
and sort of coming out of that,
that I was this, you know, label, you know,
crazy messed up person according to him
and according to the enemy and people's judgments
and things like that.
And so it's like burning all of that,
like truly, like truly, truly letting go of all of that
that's been so wrapped up in your identity,
in your experience and your emotion, you know,
it's like, okay, Lord, you know,
I can see how this is a process with you
but there's also a time when I think in a season
and a shorter season, he can actually do that.
Like where you don't feel the pain of the past
the way that you have up until now.
And so it is in a big way that crossing over
and the things that I see, like I see all these visions
and he's spoken all these things
and I have all these prophetic words
and yet it can feel so impossible,
which is the way that he's, I mean,
he's taught me to have,
to approach that reality with faith and wonder and awe
because I so believe he's gonna do it
but I also see that it's a miracle,
it's an impossibility for him to actually do the things
that he's promised to do and take what's here now
and transform it in a short time
that a lot of people don't experience in all their years.
You know what I mean?
Like if, because he's called us to,
you know, as a leader, like when you're called by God
and we all have a calling, but like when you're called
to lead and you're, you know, you're futuristic
in terms of like, you see things prophetically
or you see visions and yet here's where things are at.
Yeah, you just know that either I'm,
I'm just a dreamer, you know, or God's gonna with, you know, as I partner with him, he's actually
going to be able to do the impossible, he's going to be able to manifest heaven on earth, he's going
to be able to accomplish this story within his story. It's gotta be one or the other, because
this, this is what I see, this is what I sense, what I know, it's what I can't stop, you know,
thinking about and what I'm drawn to again and again, that burns within me. And yet here's where
I am right now. And as you go into the cave, in a sense, I feel like, you know, a bit like
Elijah, being chased into the cave, you know, and feeling like, just so exhausted. And so like,
just take me now, you know, not that I'm thinking that, but just that weariness and that, like,
I'm so, I'm just, I'm just so ready for something different, like he just has to move. And I mean,
I know that he, you know, describes that the wind came and he wasn't in the wind and the,
the thunder, I don't remember all the different ones that he came in the still small voice,
is that right? I need to look back to the story, but yeah, he was in the windstorm,
and the windstorm, and the windstorm, and was it the fire? The windstorm, the fire,
and still small voice, if I remember correctly, I may be remembering wrong. I know one of them
was definitely the windstorm. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And that's been actually speaking
a lot about he keeps showing me and saying the words, and it's showing up everywhere.
I've started just taking notes, because I'm like, this is almost laughable at this point.
But there have been two big themes. And it's been this winds, winds of change concept,
and talking so much about wind. And then there's been the water, like, like, he keeps like,
right and left and constantly, my birthday was two weeks ago, or something, or almost
like a week and a half ago. And he even that whole week, like, there are a few people that
just friends that, you know, were praying with me, or sent a, you know, an encouraging word,
or whatever. And every single, every single one, every, everything I read, every verse,
you know, everything, it was all about this living waters are going to flow from your belly,
concept of, you know, rivers of living water. And, and so yeah, between the water and the wind,
it just, it's funny, because I just love that he speaks in these ways. And I don't doubt it anymore.
And I don't feel bad that I see those connections. Because I just so value how much
he cares to show up in those things that that will notice or that I've noticed, and you know,
that that just tell me like, they keep hope alive over and over and over again, and just
draw me to him, because they say in various ways, I'm, I'm really right here. Like, I'm, I'm,
I'm in everything, I'm connecting it all together. See? So but yeah, I feel a bit like that,
being chased into the cave and just weary. And yet, I know what's coming next is like all good
stuff. So I'm not worried. Like, I don't feel like I'm, I feel like I'm very weary, but I don't,
I don't feel like I'm doubting in the sense of, you know, God's not going to come through,
but in little ways, like you said earlier, you kind of do wonder, like, do you see me? Do you,
you know, are you, you know, are you coming through for me? Like, even though, you know,
overall, in the day to day, sometimes it's just like, does anybody even care God? Because
do you care? Because you know, nobody else knows where we're at. And it's just him,
like, people don't have to know what's, what's going on, what he's doing in you,
what's behind the scenes, has nothing to do with your value or worth. And yet I can see how,
somehow I've tied, you know, even my friendships to, to, to my identity. And he's just stripping
a lot of that and saying, like, I'm, I'm the lover of your soul. I'm, I'm your best friend,
and I'm starting to dig into Song of Songs as a kind of a focus and study and just asking him
for a hunger for his word, because I felt led to just pray for an actual hunger, like a ravenous
hunger for the word that I haven't had before. And I had, you know, just somebody speak a prophetic
word not long ago that said, like, you're going to come into a season of, of just,
that you never have with the word
and seeking him in his word.
And that's been a real struggle.
Like that's been something that in all my years
as a believer for so long, I hid from the word.
I didn't know how to read it.
I didn't know how to feel
because I didn't trust God was good
and he was really for me.
And that, you know, I really wanted to be in the word.
And then I felt guilty because I wasn't.
And that was like what was required of me as a Christian.
And so, you know, who was I to even, you know
think he wanted to think good things of me or whatever.
So I feel like it's a new season of,
okay, he has me hidden.
He has me, you know, either busy taking care of my family
which I know is beyond that.
Like he could provide in so many ways
but he is providing through a job right now.
And he is using it in many other ways I know beyond that.
And it's sort of has us in this bubble
and yet I don't know why I resist it a little bit
because there's this, I guess there's this part of me
that's like, well, what about like all these things
though God, like I have a hard time settling, settling down.
Like this analogy in this solitude book that I was reading
they talk about shaking up, like having a jar
I have a mason jar here, like having rocks and pebbles
and water and sand and all this and like swirling this around
and just the struggle to settle, like to land
and like to let all of that sediment
and everything just settle to the bottom and be still.
And it feels like death to me, which is actually okay.
And yet I find myself resisting that settling
that because of the thoughts, you know, that can come of
is this, am I doing something wrong
or am I missing something?
Am I missing out?
Am I not, am I not ever going to be used by you God
like the ways that you've shown me?
Like, am I, you know, those kinds of things
even though, like I said, I know overall
that he's preparing us and that this is not the end
it's just a season, a preparation
it just doesn't feel that fun.
And there's times that I really like to grieve
and cry and just be with him.
And there's times that I just want my time back
and I want to be able to have more time to, you know
be with him and reflect.
It's amazing how much time it can take
to just be with the Lord and heal
especially coming off of certain things.
Like it's like, really, can you just not just be better?
Like if how long does it really have to take?
How much time a day do you need, you know
in worship and in his presence?
But I really feel like I long for that, which is a good thing
and I've been spoiled, which is a good thing too
with COVID having more of that time to spend with him
and just really having a hard time now
dividing any of that, because I feel like
there's basically time for, before I could be alone
with him a lot and take care of my girls
and work part-time and then still have time left over
for other, you know, relationships and enjoyable
like things I wanted to do.
And I'm very much relational, highly relational.
So, you know, a lot of that is in the form of connecting.
And then now it's like, I have time to work.
Like I barely have energy to feel like I'm all there
and that's difficult.
Like I want to stop drinking caffeine
because I feel like I'm just living off of
coffee in some ways.
And I know that's not good for my adrenals.
And I'm like this health nut that, you know, is sort of
I know I have to make that switch
cause it's going to tap out your adrenals.
If you, you know, I don't drink a ton of coffee
but just even to have that every day
when I'm struggling with fatigue isn't helping
it's probably just going to make it worse.
And so I'm trying to move toward tea
that's not caffeinated and like apple cider vinegar
and things like that to drink.
But just feeling like I'm just like, oh my gosh
like life is like, oh, I have to go to work.
Like, it's not that bad.
It's just why?
Like, I'm like, I'm trying to pick my foot up
and like move my, like my legs to get, you know, out.
It's not because my job's so terrible.
I just don't, I just don't know.
I just don't care.
I'm tired.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
I'm just, it's not my thing.
It's, it's, it's, I enjoy it.
Cause I love, you know, holistic health and all that.
So it's not bad.
And I'm thankful for.
again, the provision and it's like, you should be more thankful.
Like God gave you this job so that you can provide, but honestly, actually,
when you are so exhausted that you don't know, like you, you just feel like
you're, you're like, even I just struggle to get up in the morning.
Like I, I struggle to get up in the morning, get going.
Um, It feels like the end of the day comes so quick and then I need
to go to bed and do it all over.
It's kind of feels like that because of the level of exhaustion.
And I just don't feel, I feel kind of guilty because I want to be all there
for my employers, but I know in my heart that I'm not, um, do you know what I mean?
And then I'm frustrated with that fact because I know I'm capable of a lot, but
right now, like, is it okay that I'm sort of sliding by, because it's truly all
that I can do, like all that I can muster is just to be their front desk girl and
do some like marketing stuff and be really friendly and good with patients.
Like, I just, I know that I could soar, but it's not where my heart is.
And I don't have the energy right now.
And then I go, God, is there going to be a time when, can you actually
restore my energy after dealing with chronic pain and chronic fatigue
and these things that are common, you know, physical symptoms of trauma and
things, um, that often go along with them, like headaches and just different things.
It's like, can you actually like fix my body?
Like, am I too far gone?
I'm only 30.
I just turned 36.
Like is, can he do that?
I mean, I know he can do anything.
I'm just saying I've not, not dealt with energy issues, you know, the, the pain
and the fatigue and things like that in the past, so there's this part of me
that's like, man, to do all the things that I feel led to do and called to do in
this life, like you would have to give me a different, like, like a body overhaul.
You know what I mean?
Like an energy at the very least that I haven't known.
And that can come, I would think it can come emotionally, spiritually,
physically, like all together that he can do that.
But typically when you look at people who struggle with the amount of like pain
and headaches and fatigue that I do, you know, they're old, they're a lot older.
They're a lot older, you know?
And so it makes me, it's unsettling.
Like, I'm just sharing part of the anxiety and fear that can come when you deal with
chronic pain and autoimmune issues and stuff.
It's just like, like, am I going to be able to function to do the things that I
want to do because I have so much like within me, but I, I would have to like
have healing to carry it out, to have energy to, to carry it out.
And yeah, so it just feels a bit like I come to him in this, just kind of in a
heap and a puddle of, you know, a mess of exhaustion and tiredness and physical,
like pain and depletion and all these things.
And yet I have all this joy in him too, which feels funny because it almost feels
like they need to match, you know, like how I'm feeling physically.
It's easy for that to go.
Well, if I just say everything is great because I have all this joy of the Lord,
then I'm not being totally real and honest and authentic.
And yet just because I'm struggling with these things doesn't mean that I'm not
encouraged in him and that I don't have the joy of the Lord, you know?
So, yeah.
I'm sorry.
Um, uh, I know that it's, um, it can be very disheartening, you know, being where
you are, I've been there, I have, and we were just like, you know what, I feel like
I shouldn't be able to, I feel like I shouldn't complain, but I want to,
because everything the Lord's given me is, is, you know, it's good.
I don't, my job's not bad, but, and I'm not talking about the job I have now,
I'm not talking about what I do now, I'm talking about what I've done in the past.
Well, it's not bad, but I just, I'm just not motivated.
It's just not what I want to do long-term.
It's just, or it won't let me do what exactly it is that I want to do or, or
whatever, and, and I really struggled with all of that.
Um, and, um, uh, so what I would recommend to you is that there's this struggle of
feeling that whatever it is that you're doing is not allowing you to do and be
who you actually are and what the Lord's placed in you and that, and what can
happen is we can start to attach this, um, you know, this vision that the Lord
has given us of what he's called.
going to call it what he's calling us into, and the timing on that we don't know, oftentimes.
And we can just get frustrated, kind of like, like a horse chomping at the bit of like,
okay, but Lord, why can't I do it now?
If that's what you're calling me to do, if that's my destiny, you know, whatever term
we want to add to it, like the Lord, I'm not happy where I am.
And what we don't understand what we what we rob ourselves of is the understanding that
regardless of what it is that we're doing, we're still us.
It's not the thing that we're doing, including, including stepping into that vision, that's
going to be the thing that changes the world.
And that has the impact.
It's us.
So it's us that makes that vision come to life.
Because that vision, meaning that, and I don't mean the vision, I mean, like, where the vision
becomes reality, and we actually start doing the thing, and we're in it, but right now,
we're not in it.
And that's why I keep calling it a vision.
Whatever it is, this picture of the Lord has given us, you know, when we step actually
into the thing, it's not the thing that is actually that thing itself in the events and
the business or the ministry, or whatever it is, you know, that the human, the human
trafficking and all the people that are that are saved out of it, and whatever.
It's not the organization, the institution, the ministry, whatever, that is, that is changing
the world.
And it's, and is breathing life, it's us, that is actually the life source for that
thing.
And so we had, and we're always with us 24 seven.
So if God said, if God says, yeah, that's that this is how I'm, this is where I want
your life source to flow through.
This is the mechanism I'm revealing to you, through which your life, the life source that
you are is going to flow through, know that you still have that life source now.
And it's meant to flow through wherever it is that you currently are.
So the Lord wants you us to know that we have not just permission, but his intention that
we act as a life giving spirit and as the life source wherever it is that we are.
So we have permission to be us now.
So, and, and so it's not that, that it's not that God's just like, okay, well, I'm, I just,
you know, I'm denying you the other for a while.
And I want you to be learned to be happy in this very unhappy place.
That's not it.
God's just like, no, no, you are you, regardless of wherever it is you are, and you have not
only the permission, but the intention, my intention that you are, that you are who I've
created you to be, because wherever it is that I've placed you, it needed you.
It needs your life giving spirit.
It needs who it is that I created you to be.
And I'm just showing you eventually what it's going to at some point, you know, where it's
going to flow through, but I want you to, to opt because the, because the freedom in
life is not the thing that we do.
The freedom in life is our freedom to be ourselves.
And we have permission to be that at any point at any time.
And that is our purpose on the earth.
So does that make sense?
So, so understand that really is what our heart is longing for.
We've just often attributed it to a vision that God's given us thinking, oh, that's finally
me.
When I finally get there, then I'll be her like, and I, yeah, it was like story and joked
about it.
So it's funny you're sharing it because it's so makes sense.
Because I've said, you know, it was a couple of years ago, there was this kind of revelation
and a conversation I was having where it was like, you, you realize that you're already
her, like the person that you're describing, you're talking about, like you're, you're
her.
And literally I, there's this crazy light bulb moment of yeah.
I am because for so long and as a, as a visionary, you can project, you know, into the future
like when I can be like this and then I'll be her, but you're like, no, you're her right
now.
That's so good.
Exactly.
Okay.
And so, and that's what it is.
Our heart is longing for our heart is longing for us to be the thing to be ourselves.
As you say, the freedom to be ourselves is what, yeah, we have the freedom to be ours
and the permission to be ourselves now, meaning a life giving spirit where we are the life
source of.
the world around us. We're not subject to or victimized by the events around us, the people
around us. We are the thing that brings it life. If we are not bringing it life and we allow it to
be the source of the moment, the event, the situation in which we're in. If we are not being
the life source, we're allowing it to be the source and it can bring nothing but death.
So we're subjecting ourselves willingly to the events around us being driven by a source
of death. So, I mean, why would we want to do that? So it's not even just that, oh,
it's not even just like those, the way that the movies talk about, oh, you just be yourself or
whatever. It's more than that. That's the intention. God's intention is never to hold
off on being ourselves. What God does have us hold off on, so to speak, is he always intends
for us to operate in the degree of our life giving spirit that we have grown up into.
But the good thing is that whatever we've grown up into, like that mantle, you remember me talking
about the mantle that when you're four years old, you're only carrying a certain amount. The whole
thing is given to you, but the only amount that you're carrying is from the shoulder down to the
ground and the rest of it, the ground's carrying. So, and then as we get older, so the only thing
that we are, that the life giving spirit that we are called to operate in, because we're always
called to operate as life giving spirit, but the degree to which we're called to operate is only
in the amount from our shoulders down to the ground. The whole thing is ours. We just haven't
grown up into it, but here's, and we can get discouraged and frustrated by that, but here's
the thing. We don't know how to operate in the rest of it, and we don't, and in not knowing
how to operate in the rest of it, it will be destructive for us to start operating in something
that we don't understand because there's a responsibility that comes with it. And then we'd
fail, huh? Then we would fail because we don't know how, and then we're not like crap. Yeah, we're not strong
enough, so to speak. We're not built, you know, our weight can't handle the weight of it yet.
So, anyway, but we always have not just the in permission, like, oh, well, you can if you want to,
but actually God's intention that we operate as ourselves and that we give, that we give out of
ourselves, and because he's saying the situations that I place you in, it needed you, it needed your
spirit, and it needs you to bring life to it. Those people need you to bring life to them according to
the degree to which you've grown up into your life-giving spirit and the amount of which you're,
you know, how to operate, and the clients and the office around you, like literally the physical
environment is crying out, you know, because it says that creation is crying out for revelation
in the sense of man, including physical objects, you know, trees, plants, whatever, paper, pens.
I mean, we can, because all of that is energy. All of that is wave and particle. It's all been
created off, it originated in heaven as a living word manifested into the soul realm
as wave, and then in quantum mechanics and all of that, and then became, and wave becomes
particle, and it manifested as a pen, or it manifested as whatever. Now, obviously, you know,
you know what I'm talking about, you know, molecules, which then mankind took and
formulated into molecular structure, etc. My point is that all of it originated this word, and word
is meant to respond to the thing out of which it originated, which is God, and we're in God.
So therefore, because we're in the source that it came from, it living word is meant to respond
to us and serve us, but it can't if we're not presenting ourselves, and if we're allowing
ourselves to be subject to it, it wasn't created to bear that responsibility. So my point is,
in saying all this, is as an encouragement that it's not just permission, like, oh, we have
permission. It's like, no, no, no. God is desirous of us to step in.
to it. He's that much for us. He's that much of our cheerleader.
Wouldn't you like to, as opposed to why you can't, if you want.
And then as we kind of like, well, no, you know, I don't know if I feel
confident. I don't know if I feel comfortable. It gives us more
confidence knowing now that's God's intention. He's just like, no, no,
that's why I put you there because you're needed. Not needed is in a
burden, but like needed to stand like you have what it needs. We all
like to feel like we have a contribution and that we have the
exact thing. We have the, the exact. Our frequency matches the exact
frequency that it was meant to need. It's a match. And if we're not
sending out that frequency, then it can't, it doesn't have what it
needs and it's crying out. So anyway, I think I thought for a long
time, like as you were sharing that, I realized, you know, I almost
I'm flipping on my light in here. Cause I had to plug in. I was
thinking of like the things that are manmade, I guess. Versus, you
know, nature things that God made food and I don't know, just the,
the things that like paper. And I mean, I know that came from trees,
so I guess that's not the best example, but you know, like things
that man built or made that I didn't think of those as, you know, I
guess I know their energy, but like, as, as being included. So just
to say,
because they're all created from living word as well. And it is,
there are ways in which mankind shows to partner with the Lord by
creating something. God created man to be creative and man creatively
designed to pen creatively designed, you know, whatever. And it's as
partnering with the Lord as his sons looking like him coming up with
really fascinating and interesting ideas. And, and yes, the Lord guides
us in all of those things. I'm not trying to say that man needs to take
credit. I'm saying that is his way in which he's partnering with the Lord.
His father's a creator so that his sons are learning to be creators, you
know, and eventually we're going to create much bigger, better things.
Personally, I believe like out in the universe and all that good stuff.
And right now we're starting with pens.
Starting with
like little kids.
Yeah, we're starting out with little things. And we're all real proud of
ourselves. Like that's like, you're doing a good job.
It's really sweet. But anyway, I mean, we can see so much of his
interaction with us based off of how he created parents and children to
interact. And he's like, okay, so I'll give you a visible picture. It's like
this is how yours and my relationship are. And eventually you grow up into
an adult, where we have where we, where we can meet a bit more peer to
peer contribution and discussion. Now, God always has the preeminence,
obviously, but he's the one who pictured in a parent child relationship,
the fact that apparently we mature to the point where there's a, there's a
higher, that there's, there's a greater weight that our half of the
conversation bears in the conversation. Anyway, he's growing up. And so
anyway, that's one thing that I wanted to say. And before I say the other
thing, was there anything else that you wanted to me to talk about or address
related to how it is that you're feeling right now at work? Because I, I
understand I absolutely do because I've lived it. And quite honestly, it's
miserable. And because I've been in places where I don't feel like I'm
miserable. And because I've been in places where I didn't in places with
with work, where I didn't, I was not motivated, but I felt like I couldn't
complain. And then there were other times where I was, I was just sick of
it. I was just like, I want out of here. I can't I can't stand it. And so I
definitely know and I definitely understand. But I did notice that the
Lord generally would not move me from where I was, until I until I saw and,
and chose to step into who he wanted to be through me in this situation. And
once I finally let go, and once I finally let go, things would shift and
things would change. And he moved me on. Sometimes it would be within a few
months. And other times it would be a lot faster than that. But it was pretty
interesting how I would just fight him and fight him. And you've called me to
something different. You've called me to something that I would
or I knew that he was going to think I should take care of myself and I didn't.
He didn't recognize that.
You know,
all those things that I used to term as greater than all kinds of
stuff. And, oh, I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself.
And he.
And I knew I finally got to the point where I was in that situation so
many times.
I finally came to recognize it.
I'd be in a situation again in a new business.
And I kept, oh, I'm ready to move on. Loren.
Again, I was like, oh my gosh, not this again.
No.
And I know full well what God had said,
like God wants for me.
That he wants me to let go.
And release myself.
In the situation in.
And B who.
B in the situation.
And, and contribute intentionally.
As a life giving spirit,
I'm going to let go.
Will he, will he move me out?
So good.
Oh, that's really good.
Anything else about that before I talk about the other.
Yeah.
Yeah. I said, I definitely like took notes in my journal.
So, so good.
Yeah.
I think the other, maybe the other.
Piece or the next.
The next part then is.
Yeah.
Finding peace in, in the season, which.
Sounds very broad, but what I mean is.
Hmm.
Are you talking about related to the fact that you felt all of these
things look like they're going towards this?
Are you talking about the fact that you felt all of these things look
like they're going towards this?
Or is this different?
Yeah, I think that that's included, but I think it's like the season of,
like, there's this big part of me that embraces.
And sees that this is a necessary.
Season and that this is a transitional season. This isn't,
I know it's not my forever and.
And that's, that's a good thing. Cause I mean,
If I thought it was my forever, you know, that would be really,
really miserable.
I think it's like what I'm doing day to day while I'm in this season
and kind of coming to that settled place of,
and the conclusion of not that I have to pinpoint exactly what the
season is about and exactly, you know,
what I'm supposed to do or anything like that,
like a structure that I have to follow to a T, but it's, it's, there's,
there's a sense in which, because I was thrust into it and because.
I was thrust into it.
And I was thrust into it.
And I was thrust into it because it, you know,
it falls in with the same rest and reset.
Theme that he gave me the summer.
You know, it's like.
I feel unsettled in the sense that.
You know,
I feel like I'm not expressing who I know myself to be because there's
these different, you know,
fears or shame or different things that have held me back for so long
from just being myself.
And part of it is the permission.
To.
Like let go of any and all expectations of,
of people in the season of, of friendship, of, of my time.
Of being connected or missing out potentially on things and sort of
like settling into what it is because I, like, I embrace it.
I receive it. I.
I feel like there's, there's treasure and gold that I don't want to miss
being discontent in this place.
It's just that I haven't.
Quite settled on it. And when it comes to things like.
Being myself and expressing myself.
I'm so frustrated because God has said for so long,
like he keeps telling me, right? Like he's, he said it.
So many times and increasingly, and he's, he just keeps saying, right.
And yet.
I don't write because I get so busy reading everyone else's stuff.
And then I just ended up being like, well, they've already said it all.
I'm just, I'm just trying to write because I'm trying to write.
I'm trying to write because I'm trying to write.
And I'm trying to write because I'm trying to write.
So I'm like, okay.
And he's like, but you're just trying to keep me a part of his life.
And so maybe in him pulling me away from social media,
this is an example.
You know, a big piece of me being released.
From trying to kind of keep up in that way.
In the old way of where I was finding, you know, socialization,
finding.
with him and realize that I can write for myself and just with the Lord that I don't have to write
The creative outlet, things like that.
And maybe it looks like just the permission to more.
for anyone else like I don't have to write for social media or I don't have to um you know I
don't have to show up on those platforms or fear that I'm missing something or fear that I'm going
to be left behind the crowd you know what I mean like or that I'm going to miss it or I don't know
I don't know what it is I don't know if I'm making sense I feel like I just want to come to this
place of understanding I guess hearing maybe somebody else say that I trust and that I know
is is wise that it's healthy and good to be alone and more of a season of rest or to be settled and
have permission to not be so connected or not do all the things and maybe just do the things that I
love with God and is that potentially where I'm going to really find what I'm looking for and
feeling so restless in in people and relationships and activity and what's going on out there because
I know I'm not going to wake up and you know in several months or emerge from this season of being
more more you know disconnected from everybody and more alone with the Lord and just doing my thing
and everyone's moved on without me you know like his plan and you know all these exciting things
like that I'm not going to miss it but there's some part of me that needs to know that I'm not
I'm not going to miss it but there's some part of me that needs to know that it's not
unsuccessful if I'm quiet for a few months or if I'm more inward with the Lord for a few months like
so that I can just embrace that few months as such. Yeah, so I'm sorry what's your question then?
I don't know. Okay, okay hold on. I guess the question I like to try to summarize the question is
and is there great can there be great purpose and joy and permission in that kind of season
and is it true that that is there a way I guess that I can come to that place of peace
and being settled in the season that I'm in instead of fighting against it?
Yes and still express myself and not feel like I'm shoving stuff down because I think that I'm
actually playing opposites a little bit with like the more that I try to be connected
and and relationships and hearing people reading people's stuff or even getting my own you know
thoughts out there or heart whatever you know the back and forth the more that I try to do that
sometimes in the few hours that I have here and there the more exhausted and frustrated I feel
that I'm not part of that. I feel like I'm just kind of dipping my toe in the water or I feel
like I'm just kind of like creaking the door open before I have to shut it again. It feels very
dissatisfying you know what I mean and and and it feels like I'm not part of it. I'm not really
getting to the root of what I'm desiring and I think that that maybe if I just had permission to
write with the Lord and read with the Lord and do the things alone I don't know what my problem is
with like this whole connection thing or expectation or feeling like my identity somehow
tied to others but I know that I'm a big community builder and that's a big part of my
calling and it's like in the season because I have this like apostolic prophetic teaching thing
going on where like the Lord's shown me that but right now it feels like that's being I'm sort of
being tucked away you know under his wing to be more prepared for that outward those outward
expressions and that maybe I can just embrace that as part of what it could mean to be apostolic
and prophetic even if it doesn't look that way in this moment is are there preparation seasons
like that like is it is there purpose in that that I can more fully embrace and
have you gone through those seasons or seen how those have been essential seasons for
to prepare for the next you know that are successful in their own way
yeah and most of my life has been that season oh yeah so um and I mean it was such where um my my
parents and would pray about it um to the Lord because she's just like Lord this is so hard for
us to watch um why why is she why she's so hidden why she we can tell that you're purposely hiding
her why she have to be so alone you know whatever and they they saw that it was just
so obvious. They're just like, Lord, we don't want this for her. This is how it has to be.
And so I've watched how the Lord has used that. And if we can't, so I say all that to
say, you asked, have I ever been through that? So yes, I can absolutely relate. But I wanted
to encourage you that if you, um, that if, um, I know what I'm trying to say, how, how
do I say it? Cause I'm like, I keep, there's like five different angles. I'm like, I could
come in from all these angles. Which one do I want to pick? Um, that, uh, that it's a,
it's a very, very precious thing to be pulled away with the Lord. Um, where he's giving you,
um, he's given you the best environment for you to heal, for you to learn who it is that
you are. And for you to, you know, if this is what he's calling you into, I'm not declaring
something. I'm just saying that this is what it can be. Um, that, that, uh, you know, where
you can discover who it is that you are without the threat of being of the process and who it is
that you're discovering about yourself, that you might experiment in. You might discover things
about yourself or be presented to things. And you're just like, I was not expecting that.
And by being alone with the Lord, it gives you a safe place in which to discover it without you
having outside, um, opinions, uh, public eye that could taint or not appreciate
what it is that's coming out and being revealed because they don't understand it.
Yeah. It's I'm feeling that exact thing. Like I'm, I'm not seen, I'm not appreciated. They
don't understand. And so it just keeps kind of almost stifling me because I'm correct.
Oh my gosh. And even like my house church right now, the Lord's been,
I mean, it's really difficult because I found myself just trying to make these relationships
happen because I, I, my heart is so for unity and you know, in the body and I'm just thinking,
these are like my local people, but he keeps basically saying like, but these,
like, they don't see you, they don't appreciate you. And there was, I was feeling just so
just for a couple of days, the weight of this with a couple, cause I'm in a very small community
and there's a couple of women that are my age. And I'm like, I have relationships with women
all over like various States, even of other countries who value so much more, you know,
conversation or time, or even just the, you know, what the Lord's doing among us and how we're
connected in it. And like these women, just like, they just throw me away and even like bring up my
past and try to say like one of them, she, she basically told me one day, like she thought that
I was lying to her and it was totally out of the blue. And she was like, are you lying to me about
this? And it was about an ex boyfriend that I was actually really super honest with her about and
vulnerable. And I was like, what? No, I haven't, I haven't talked to him. I haven't seen him. I'm
just updating you, but no, like, I'm not lying. Why are you saying, you know, saying that? And
she basically said that it was that she had heard somehow gossip that to watch out kind of thing,
because somebody had heard a couple of things about me a few years ago during my divorce,
that I was like, not honest about what was going on. And it's like, but you don't know,
like, yes, that's true on some levels, but you don't know what it's like to be judged so harshly
and to not feel like you have anyone that's safe and to not feel like you could trust anyone
because your husband just put you on the street. Like you weren't, you didn't even know me then.
And, and isn't it all about like, we're new creations and, and like, look at all the,
that the Lord's done. And the point is that you can't see almost because, and, and I think this
is actually common in the body right now. Like it's okay, but there are certain people that
because they saw you or knew you before, they can't see the new thing. They can't
see and appreciate what the Lord's doing because they sort of have you in this box or they're just
not, you know, there's not an alignment. Like he loves them too. Like they're his children.
But, but for me to kind of understand, okay, it's possible that even though, yes, they love God.
Yes. They're his daughters too. Yes. You know, I believe they're spirit filled that they're not
necessarily the right alignments for me. And why do I continue to pursue the relationship?
When I get all of this kind of passive aggressive, like, you know, just sort of just never any
effort. And they're even, they're the, they're the ones that are 10 minutes down the road.
that are the only ones that are actually in town that you know you would think would want to
know you know know each other or have fellowship or anything like that and he's like just stop like
you're hating on yourself because of what these women how they treat you or value or don't value
you and just because they're down the road and they are in the body doesn't mean that they're
your people um which i think i don't know why that's so difficult sometimes to go but they're
in my house church like there's only 15 20 families you know wouldn't you think that i
would pursue them and i finally got to this point recently where i just was like i just don't feel
like i'm supposed to keep trying and being hurt over and over again so the point is going back
to what you were saying it was dead on with you know that feeling unappreciated and when you go
into social circles whether in person or online and people don't see it they don't get it they
don't you know appreciate or value it it just almost it almost it hurts and it lessens in some
ways the what he is doing you know underground and and what he has placed in you because
it's like begging for for attention from somebody that's just not gonna give it you know yeah and
and so think of it this way there are things about the lord that have not been seen on earth
and you're intended to display it so there are some people that can see it can see something
can see something new of the lord that can they can see it of god and can appreciate it
and then there are others that just can't see it and it's not for us to to judge them or condemn
them or anything for them not seeing things there are things about the lord and other people we just
don't see and appreciate you know so so you're um you're meant to put some things on display so
you're not going to be able to always find someone else who can relate and understand so
in being in pull being pulled away specifically by the lord he's going to desire to reveal to you
some very precious things about himself that are very intimate that he wants you to know and you
to express because he's put those things in you and um and he and he wants and by pulling away
by pulling you away um it provides you a place in which you can safely where he can kind of like a
man and a woman being in a bedroom where he can be vulnerable with you and and it's just something
with that the two of you can can know and you can kind of explore and a weird way to a weird word to
use in relationship to um learning about the lord but experiment with it because when you're
expressing these things and you're expressing who the two of you are together again like a man a
woman in bedroom if you're expressing who the two of you are who the two of you are when you are
together then um then you uh you know it's going to come out in how it is that you write the things
that you're going to discover about these feelings that you have and the ways that you're choosing to
express it and the different ways that you're writing or what prompts you to write or or
whatever in in just this interaction with the lord and it's very precious and it's not meant for that
that time of uh that that time of conception and and um what's the word uh uh gestation
is not meant to be public you know and it's and so it's a very very precious precious thing and
god wants to provide you with the optimum environment for you to learn where and and to
just and uh to express to learn things about him and to express things about yourself without you
constantly being threatened by um by outside opinions that can't see what god is the new
things that the lord is trying to that the lord wants you to be supple enough to receive from him
that's really good so know that just like he like i'm describing of him being vulnerable to you
in the secret place he
He wants to provide you with a perfect environment for you to be vulnerable with,
with him. And again,
to be supple enough that you're willing to
experiment and,
and just kind of figure things out
with the Lord in a safe place. Well, well,
I've never really tried it like this and I've never tried that. And, and,
and let's just kind of,
let's start writing and let's start going with this feeling and let's see where
this thing goes. And that's, I don't know, you know, whatever.
And you'll discover different things about yourself and you will expand your
boundaries exponentially in a very
intense way.
Because you won't have outside influences
that can, that,
there's a word that I'm looking for and I can't think of the word,
but it's an influence. It's a,
it's a voice that gets you to like doubt yourself or to,
or to look at it, look at something from a different angle or whatever.
And just like, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you.
Just look at it from your angle. God knows how you're going to receive it.
And, and anyway.
And so,
and an important thing that he wants to reveal to you during this time is that
you're not a problem and there's,
and there's not bad things in you that are coming out.
There are good things that you can trust.
And he needs you to, to be in a safe enough environment.
And he's providing you with a safe enough environment where you might,
might learn that you might feel safe enough to timidly
start climbing out of yourself and trusting yourself and
actually acting on it because no one but him can see.
You know?
Yeah. That makes me cry. It was really good.
Yeah. I think there has been like a lot of that for a long time.
This concern, you know, I mean,
what shame says is that there's something wrong, wrong with you.
And that I've struggled so much, you know, so much to trust myself, my,
my thoughts, my opinions, my decisions, my anything,
it was all questioned for so long. And I questioned it myself,
but other people as well, you know, including my husband.
So that makes a lot. Huh.
So it's like,
I'm not going to be missing out because there's no way to miss out on what he's
doing. And in fact, it's like opposites. If I trade this, you know,
and I let go of say, even the women that
have been connected to, to, you know, what God's been doing so far, like
those who, you know, still feel, feel connected and led together,
like later we'll, we'll be in those who,
you know, it's like letting go of all control of and expectations and outcomes,
basically. And trusting that. Yeah. I think that there are definitely
there's potential for loss,
but I think there's such a greater potential for gain, you know? Yeah.
Yeah. Even when it comes to like, well,
I've invested in these people and they've looked, you know,
toward our community and what we have in that connection.
But if, you know, they're all in the Lord, then they're, they're gonna,
they're going to be ready.
And we're all going to connect when we're supposed to again, or, or not.
This is probably the truer statement. And I mean,
even if there's less, or even if some fall away, I guess,
that's really not up to me, you know, to,
to like, I can't, I can't like, that's what I've been realizing. Like, I can't,
you know, I'm not in a season that I can keep up with everybody. And I, you know,
I've been okay with that, but I think it's just really the,
the implications of that, you know, to be fully okay with, okay,
whatever that looks like, he's got something better and I'm going to come out
better as he does this work in me. And I,
and I'm able to fully release and unleash. And so,
you know, when I do feel sort of
like I have permission to, to be more in community and
relationships again, you know, that's going to come through.
And I think those people will understand or they'll, they'll notice or see,
you know, the things that were there before, but better. Yeah. Yeah.
Not me, but the Lord through me, you know, yeah.
Instead of feeling like I might lose.
And God knows the true desires of our hearts. And in fact,
Carrie and I were talking about this the other day and
that the Lord does the true desires of our hearts.
And she wouldn't mind me sharing this part
because she's gonna,
she said that she's gonna post about it soon anyway.
That, you know, she was talking about desiring that house
and she's like, I do not understand why,
why the Lord, where everything lined up just perfect.
All of these miracles, one on top of the other,
just lining all up, but it didn't go through.
It was like, Lord, I don't understand.
There was miracle upon miracle,
just everything was just in time and, you know,
and it didn't come through.
And Lord, you didn't give me the desire of my heart,
you know, or whatever.
And now she looks back on it and she said,
she's gonna write a post about it soon.
She's now, she looks back on it and she's like,
oh my word, Ashley, she said, you're right.
God knows what the deep, true desires of our hearts are.
And that's what he's given us.
We think that the desire of our heart looks like this,
but it's actually not.
But at the time, because our vision is on it,
we think, why isn't God giving us this?
And God's like,
because that's not the true desire of your heart.
That's what you think will fulfill
this actual desire of your heart.
He's like, but I know what it actually is
and I know how to fulfill it.
And she's like, oh my word, Ashley, I see it now.
So my point is, you know, you talking about this
with them related to, you know, people
and feeling like separated from people.
And oh my goodness, you know,
what about like separation from the community
and all of that?
What I kept hearing is when you were talking
is what God is doing in you right now
is giving you what you were going to the community for.
And so he's, because it couldn't give it to you.
God's like, okay, that's what you want.
And you've been,
your heart has been crying out to me for that.
Then that's what I'm going to give you.
But it looks different.
It has a different form
and comes in a different way than we expected.
So things like the fact that you're enough for him
in order for you to know you're enough,
in order for you to be received,
in order for you to be appreciated, valued, known,
not just by the Lord, but by yourself.
Because there's aspects about yourself
that you just, you don't know you.
And you definitely don't trust you, you know, all of that.
And so we looked for community for all of those things
and whether or not we realize that that's what we're doing.
And God's like, okay, that's the real desire of your heart.
I will give it to you.
It just looks a little different,
but he also says, you know,
you've been abused by community.
In other words, by people.
So I am going to pull you away
from something that you only understand in abuse.
And I'm not going to allow you to receive something
from the thing that you only understand in abuse
and only understand by rejection
or by then not understanding or valuing
or appreciating whatever.
And I'm just talking about this with a broad brush.
I'm not talking about the fact
that you've only been abused by people
and there haven't been any nice people in your life.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm just talking in general.
And God's just like, hey, well, you know,
I'll pull you away into myself and to do all of that.
And so that's what I was hearing is I was like,
I was hearing this is how God intends
to fulfill the desires of your heart
that you have cried out to him for.
And what it can look like now is like,
well, wait a minute, Lord, I've asked you for this.
And not only is it not giving me,
you're like taking it away completely
and constantly now I'm actually giving you
what it is that you've been crying out for
in multiple areas, the multiple things that you've wept.
I've heard you and I heard you crying at night
and I saw you crying at night when nobody else did.
And, you know, for months, if not years on end,
and I'm going to fulfill it
and I'm going to provide for it.
And I'm going to provide for it
when you feel the most dejected, abandoned and alone.
When everything seems to have fallen apart
and you think that I myself have abandoned you,
where it looked like I was going to make everything happen
in mediation and then I didn't, you know,
and now's the time when I'm going to give you all of this.
So, yeah.
So, and then there was just one more, huh?
Yeah, that's so good.
You can go ahead.
There was just one more thing that I was going to mention
back to very beginning.
And.
when you were talking about, you know, you know, like Carrie, you know,
just like all of these things happened and it was just like,
everything was in perfect timing, all of these miracles,
it just seems so evident, et cetera. And, and,
and yeah, that, that, that can be really,
really challenging for us to think, okay, wait a minute, Lord, you know,
all of these things just looked perfect, et cetera.
But just like it's important for us to
under understand that what God is,
is what God desires for us and what he's trying to reveal to
us when he does all of that is the same thing that I mentioned to Carrie
several, uh, I guess it was two, at least two,
if not three months ago on a, on a, um,
on a community Q and a that God was proving
what he can do, that he could do it in any time.
He can make all of these things line up. He can do everything perfectly.
And so he can do it at any time. And,
and that this is the type of God that he is.
And that's what it is that he wants us to hold on to.
Not what it is that he does, but who exactly it is that he is
for the same way that God doesn't hold, um,
doesn't, uh, hold our behavior against us.
Um, instead he interacts with us according to our identity and his character,
not according to our behavior. And he calls for us to do the same,
to hold, to hold onto him and to hold onto his character,
not his behavior. So he doesn't hold,
he doesn't withhold things from us based on our behavior.
So he's asking that we don't withhold ourselves from him
based on our behavior, because, um, it's actually based on his, um, uh,
based on it is he wants us to cling to his character and his identity.
Um, and the,
and the way that it manifests because buds, yes,
I say behavior because understand God's God always behaves exactly
like his, his character. He never acts counter to his character.
What I'm talking about is how things actually manifest that we're just like,
Lord, I don't see how that can be good.
And I don't see how that can be loving, you know, um, I'm talking about that,
what it is that we see. Um, and, uh,
so I just wanted to mention that, that he's like, no,
I want you to know,
I'm trying to put on display the type of God that I am.
And I want you to cling to the type of God that I am,
because it's that, that I'm giving you,
not all of these things and what,
and all of these events and that everything works out exactly like this.
I want you to know who it is that I am and cling to that.
And then once we know that now watch me, you know,
come through and do certain things and, um, uh, and, and whatever,
but he's letting us know that,
that he can do things in whatever way that he chooses
and he is not limited by the only ways that we
can see of getting ourselves out of the situation. Well,
or that was the last ditch effort or that was the last best.
And that was the last bet. Well,
if we also thought how on earth could God come through
before such and such a time.
And he lined up multiple things absolutely perfectly and for it
to happen, then God's just like, exactly. That's the type of God that I am.
So he's like out of time and space, you know, like where, yeah.
So he's like, I can, yeah, I can turn the world on its head.
I mean, there's COVID right. The Lord, not the Lord created COVID.
My point is that we just never know. God can just do anything, you know,
turn everything around. And so we don't have to worry that on my word,
that was the last ditch ever.
There there's no other way that I can see out of this.
I can't tell you the number of situations that I've been in the past several
months that I'm like, okay, Lord, I cannot see any way out of this.
I do not know. I I've given you all kinds of options, possibilities,
and I don't see it. And he'll provide something.
I absolutely did not expect. And I'm like,
I didn't even know this was an option. He's like, exactly.
So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you.
Doesn't it takes the pressure off.
Yeah, it does. And that what he was doing is he was displaying to you, Hey,
look, I can do it. Cause I'm that type of God.
So just let go and let me do it because,
you know, you don't know.
And the world doesn't know how I want to accomplish these things.
Well, then the lawyers only know so much.
They're very limited on what it is that they understand
according to the systems that they're operating in.
He's like, but I operate outside of those systems.
I don't want my son to feel subject to those systems.
So I don't want them to mentally and emotionally feel
that they're subject to that system.
So it doesn't matter if those systems look like
they've come to the end of themselves,
since I'm outside of those systems, so were my sons.
The sons are exempt.
And do you remember the, where the ferret,
the, whoever it was, tax collectors,
the temple tax collectors were talking to Peter
and they said, and they asked him,
did your master pay temple tax?
And Peter says, well, of course he does.
So he went into the house and as soon as he did,
it says that Jesus asked him, he said,
so Peter, tell me, do you believe,
he said, who do the kings tax?
Do they tax their sons or everyone else?
And Peter says, well, they tax everyone else.
And Jesus said, exactly.
The sons are exempt, but so that we don't offend them,
go pull a fish out of the ocean
and it will have a four drop coin,
which will pay for your tax and mine.
So in other words, Jesus was saying, look,
if ever the world is requiring something,
you know, according to its systems,
the king's sons are exempt
and God is the one who will pay the tax.
You don't have to work for it.
It is outside systems.
I mean, you know, no one expected to ever get
a four drop coin out of a fish
and who knew fish better than Peter?
I mean, he understood fish, so, and he would,
it's so, Jesus is just like, no,
you're not gonna have to do anything for that.
You're not gonna have to work.
You're not gonna have to sweat.
Because the sons are exempt from having to pay
whatever limitations that the world wants to put on them.
God, if the world is going to insist on those systems
and if God wants to work within the system,
God will be the one to pay and the son won't have to.
The son's not limited.
So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you.
That's so good.
I feel like you could preach on this tax
that everyone's talking about.
Of the tax, yeah, yeah.
Wow, that's so, so good.
Well, my mind's blown in a really good way.
So I don't want to ever in anything that I say ever,
you know, sound like I'm devaluing the seriousness
of the situation that you're in and emotionally,
you know, how despondent and disappointed
and that you can feel because it says hope deferred
makes the heart sick.
I don't ever want it to sound like that.
I'm just talking in perspectives of a different perspective
for you to then take to the Lord and say, okay, Lord,
you know, were you showing me that you were there?
By everything that happened,
were you showing me that you were there?
And I am choosing that that is who my God is.
My God is the kind of God that would do that kind of thing.
He's that living, he's that good, he's that generous.
And if he came through for me,
then he can come through for me again.
I don't know why it ended the way that it did.
I don't know why it manifested in the decision that it did.
But I also believe that you're outside of time and space
and you're outside of these systems.
And I'm choosing that you will do whatever it is
to protect me and to take care of me
and guide me and the girls.
And because you've shown me what kind of love
and good of God into what links you will and can go.
And I'm gonna choose that that is the God
that I'm following into an unknown
where I have no idea how you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.
I don't know what you're gonna do
and I don't know how you're gonna do it.
But you've proven to me what you can do
and how much love and goodness that you are.
And I'm asking that for the rest of me
that does not understand, I'm letting you know
I choose you and I'm gonna choose that you are
who you say that you are in that degree
of love and goodness.
That you're gonna figure something out
and you're gonna do something.
But I'm asking you in me having chosen,
I'm asking that you heal the fact that I'm hurt
that I did feel abandoned because I don't understand.
So, because you don't ever wanna devalue or dismiss
your emotions and your hurt,
it's very important to acknowledge them to the Lord
and allow them to feel that.
Don't you love this?
Could I be like a 90s girl right now?
With the way that you're saying?
You could.
Yeah.
That's so funny.
No, that's so good.
I told him going into, you know,
based on what I had been picking up from you
around that same time,
I told him that I trusted him
with however the situation was gonna look
and however he was gonna fulfill his promises
that I was banking on his character and not the way.
And if it was like a tough fall,
then, you know, and if Sam played games
and it was just all that,
or if he changed during mediation
and there was a miracle that happened
in the mediation process,
or, you know, whatever it looked like that I was telling him
like I choose to trust you
and I give you like the full reins to write the story
the way that you see fit,
like based on who you are and your goodness
and your character
and the fact that you promised us redemption.
So, you know, yeah, I mean, it was still,
there were still emotions
that came after the mediation thing.
That was really a door that just very clearly closed
which you could see the clarity on that
and be thankful for clarity
that it wasn't something that he played.
You're trying to not laugh right now, aren't you?
No, I promise I'm not.
It's just funny.
No, that, you know, he could have played games
and pretended like he was gonna work with me
during mediation and dragged it out.
Like there's other ways it could have gone,
but it was so cut and dry, so clear,
so over before it even started.
And that literally means that the only way
in terms of like our systems,
I mean, yes, God could,
would either do a miracle on his heart
or that it's just a clear path for us
that it means a trial.
And so it's like, I'm letting go of that right now.
And that's a trust thing to go, okay,
you know, I'm gonna have to trust
that you're gonna open up more in the way of,
should I pursue, you know, legal aid?
Do you want me to pursue, you know,
that's been thrown out there to reach out to organizations
that help, you know, with domestic abuse
or just various situations where court costs are so high
and you need assistance to go to something like a trial.
Do you want me to pursue attorneys
like trial attorneys and research?
Do you want me to, you know,
and part of the thing of like even letting go
of having any community is like, okay,
Lord, often a situation like this requires,
you know, it takes a village, right?
Like we don't have family here.
We don't have like,
we don't have anyone supporting me and the girls
and the Lord has us.
And yet when it comes to like community or family
or village, whatever, it's like,
do you want us to be alone in a season like this?
Or is that not a good idea?
You know what I'm saying?
To where, and for whatever reason,
he's kind of saying like,
I mean, even if it doesn't seem like
you have as many people around you
or if I'm moving and shifting your alignments in community,
it doesn't mean that I'm not gonna take care of you
through whoever and whomever and however
that, you know, you need to be taken care of
because yeah, to hire like a trial attorney,
you know, as a retainer, it's like $5,000,
which is not that much to God,
but it's like, it's right now I'm just resting in,
not moving in on any of it in the moment
because within a week of mediation
and all the grief that came up
and just like how much I was just crying
and feeling very sad.
Then I got on the phone with my cousin
who is a prosecuting attorney in Florida
that I don't get to talk to her often.
And she reached out to me, which is, she never does,
right when I was thinking about asking her to talk
and she talked me through like just different things
to know about the situation, all the legal stuff,
you know, that we could think of,
just validating a lot of things, confirming things
and bringing clarity to things in an hour.
And then the very same or the very next day,
I ran into neighbors and my girls were like,
oh, I wanna go see their dog.
And so we ran over there
and literally I'm talking to them.
She says she's an elementary school counselor
and somehow maybe that plus the Holy Spirit,
the girls walked away to play for a minute with the dog
and somehow it came up that we were just,
you know, it's been kind of a raw season
and we're in a, you know, a custody.
city situation and the husband goes well I actually work for the Illinois Bar Association
um and he said you know I I'm sitting here thinking of potential you know attorney names that I could
give you I know there's a lot of rules I have to check with my supervisor because I want to make
sure I can even refer you to anybody um and if that's within my you know jurisdiction or my
whatever the word is um with the fact that we we have all these rules but I would like to be able
to do that and so within a day he sent me a few names of attorneys so it was like that happened
within 24 hours and then it was like and totally unexpected and then since then it was like I just
had to kind of let go that was my birthday week and I just was like lord I don't even care and
he was like no you're gonna celebrate your birthday and so I was like okay I'm just throwing it all
out for a week you know and just since then there's nothing impressed upon me to pursue so
it's just sort of out there that like potentially me and the girls you know I mean it's all a big
thing right I mean whatever way it comes potentially we need we need a trial attorney
the the funds which again does that mean I pursue you know legal aid does that mean I pursue some
kind of fundraiser does that mean that we're just gonna drop the money you know that we need and
whatever I don't know yet um and it's like and then we need to find the right attorney and um
that's when we would file those are like the two steps is the two steps would be finding the
the um the finances to put a retainer on and choosing the the attorney uh and just we would
set a date for trial so that's all him right now you know that's all the lord like where
that's just pending you know but I also know that
it was such a clear line in the sand and that doesn't just that's kind of a big leap you know
like you don't just even emotionally go from okay this door is completely closed and we're going to
trial to that in a day you know and there's uh you know other things with provision and things
that that he knows that we need so you know I'm trusting him with the entire thing and just saying
which is is challenging when you you know feel like it's kind of something I need to work on
you know but then I don't I don't feel like in this moment that that's where he has me like he's
not even showing me in this moment that like energy capacity wise that that I have that to give
and so can I really expect more of myself then I mean just is he expecting more of me can I
expect more of myself I don't think so you know yes important to just um it's important to
let go and rest and when we rest we get clarity we get clarity about what it is that god wants
us to do in the moment um because we're more in tune with the father's heart because we don't
have all of this noise from the fear of our soul and so we're more in tune with the father's heart
and when we don't have noise from the fear of our soul we're just like okay so that's what god's
heart is saying for you know right now and and we and it's easier for us to recognize where our
peace is at um about what it is we're supposed to follow etc yeah and the night before last um
I had a dream and I had just really been asking him for for dreams um and kind of just struggling
with my dream life which this is something we can talk about another time but I just remember how I
told you that I had just like out of the blue one or two times where I had like a sexual kind of um
like sensation kind of thing but in my sleep it almost was like a wet dream but there was no
connection to like anything sexual or anyone or anything like that um well then I mean this is
definitely not from god but like the past few weeks suddenly I started having these dreams of
like sexual things um and I was getting frustrated because like I want to be like my heart is just
I think this dawned on me you know after a couple weeks of you know every couple nights I would end
up having a dream with something sexual in it out of the blue and I have no sexual like anything
like that's all cut off nothing like nothing toward myself I don't thoughts I no desire like nothing
um but I think it was so frustrating because I like so desire to be pure like my heart I mean
and he's purifying his bride and I feel like my heart is just like was breaking that you know I
just my desire is to be pure and pure pure of heart you know and in every way and here I don't
want these dreams that I'm telling him that and I'm asking him and I'm declaring you know
and asking for you know spirit-filled dreams before I go to sleep and then potentially
you know, having that still happen.
And it's like, am I doing something wrong?
Am I missing something?
Like, where is this coming from?
So just asking him and praying.
But instead, since then, the past couple of nights,
I had this dream and it was so simple,
but really profound.
He said, so I saw a picture of like a flat stake.
I don't know if you see these on the highway or on the road.
They're basically those couple of feet high, bendable,
like they can really be hit by a car
and come back up, stakes.
Well, I saw that, I saw a picture of that
and I heard the word bend
and I saw like a flat stake bending completely over.
And then I heard the tipping point.
And yeah, so I talked to him, you know, the next morning
and just kind of thinking about, you know,
about it and praying into it.
But it's just interesting.
Like they're cool little things that, you know,
mark the season and there's definitely, yeah.
There's a lot.
Now, as far as the sexual stuff,
what you can do is you can take charge
and make a deterrent because you,
based on your determination, meaning like,
I don't mean like strength of will.
I just mean your determination is in your intention
that, okay, this is how it is.
And this is because I declare it to be so,
strictly because I want to.
And if your heart being in line with your father,
you have the authority to declare what you,
to intend to declare something that you intend,
strictly because you want to.
And that would be that you are that, you know,
and you can go through whatever like verbal process
that you want to about it, but declaring that, you know,
that you're more than that, this at least, you know,
more than that, your body is just, is yours
and is the Lord's and all of that.
But also sometimes what can help verbalize
is just like, Lord, you know,
I declare that anything that has,
anything that has come against me and try to,
and anything Lord in me that has changed my DNA,
anything that has changed my,
anything that has tried to come against me
and, you know, enter me, you know,
like, you know, evil spirits or whatever,
you know, through things like all of these dreams
and the fact that, you know, you're being bodily triggered
when you're not doing anything, you know,
that kind of a thing.
Those can be like evil spirit,
like those can be like spiritual attacks,
you know, obviously.
And so Lord, anything that has made an attempt,
anything Lord that has entered me
and that has changed me in any way, changed my DNA,
you know, through bodily fluids,
through, you know, genes, Lord,
that I have inherited from my ancestors
and things that they agreed with,
Lord, any agreements that I have made in sexual fantasies
or in, you know, whatever,
you just kind of come up with some things.
You don't have to go through this grocery list
to make sure that you cover everything.
You just think what comes up in my spirit
and you take charge of the situation
strictly because you determine it to be so.
You're not asking for permission because you don't have to.
God gave you the authority to decide
what it is that you want in that area
and to declare it to be so.
And you declare it that to the Lord
and it will change in the spirit.
And you declare that, you know,
any agreements-
like anything that's entered
and, you know, listing those whatever few things.
And then from there, you know, what do you say from there?
Yeah, and then from there, you know,
just declaring to the Lord, you know, Lord,
anything, any agreements that I have made,
any agreements that, you know, my ancestors have made,
you know, anything like that,
that I, that you've inherited some of that
through your genes, in your DNA,
agreements that your ancestors have made
that they did not overcome, get passed down,
just like we can pass things down to our children.
You know, and that's-
I wondered if you thought that was real
because so many people, I mean, that I,
and, you know, among people that I follow,
which is few, are talking about, you know,
things like bloodlines and generational stuff.
Not all the time, but they mention it
and they talk, you know, they share.
it. Yeah, because we're more than body. And you know, we're, we're, we're spirit and soul and all
of that. And, and so in, in things manifest, what the body is, is the manifestation of,
of, you know, what it is soul believes. And so it can, so our body can physically change,
just like our emotions can physically express themselves in our body, not just by how we feel,
you know, and as we react, because, you know, our, our, we start like breathing faster or whatever,
but like literally stress can be created in our body and then manifest as sickness.
They say that 99% of, of, of sicknesses come from stress. Where does stress come from? Stress comes
from the fact that we believe something to be true. It doesn't even have to be a real threat.
It's just all in our mind. And so whatever, whether the body believes that it's whether,
you know, our soul believes that it is under threat physically or, or, or, you know, I don't
know, psychologically, whatever the body will manifest as stress and it will manifest in a
sickness. So it makes, and that can get, that can actually change and rewrite aspects of our,
to just speak in simplistic terms of our DNA. And that includes any agreements that we've made
by our belief system you know, that in agreements that we've made related to sexuality, you know,
that ancestors or whatever. And so then in our DNA, we all know gets passed down to the children.
So, I mean, so that, so anyway, the point is that you know, to just claim that whatever,
in other words, you're taking responsibility, not blame responsibility for what it is that
you've inherited and what it is that you've agreed to, that you agreed to that was new and
that you inherited because your ancestors agreed to, because you have all of it. And you may not
be at fault for these things. Some things, you know, you intentionally agree to some,
you unintentionally agree to, and some things just came upon you because you were born to your
family. So just because we're taking responsibility for something like a broken arm, if someone breaks
our arm, we're the one who has to take responsibility for it. And the fact that we were
the ones who have to go to the doctor and get it fixed. We're the ones who have to be
inconvenienced, right? That's what taking responsibility is, is taking responsibility
to get it fixed, not absorbing blame or, or fault. So that's what I'm saying. You know,
you're taking ownership of that, of whatever, you know, is going on that, that, that where,
where the devil feels that he and believes that legally he has access or is trying to,
trying to, um, uh, uh, make you believe that you have, uh, he has access, whatever,
you know, and you're just taking charge of that. And you're just saying, it doesn't matter what
has happened. It doesn't matter what I've agreed to. It does not matter what my answer says that
have agreed to Lord. I renounce all of it. I completely break off and sever any agreements
that I have made any agreements that my answers was made. And I just declare them to be completely
broken. And the, the words are not magic. I'm just, I'm just talking here. So, um, the, the,
the whole point is the intentionality. All of this can happen without you saying anything.
And you could say in your head, you could say it out loud, whatever it, the, the, the whole,
in the whole point of saying something is just to help your soul track along with what you're doing.
So that, because it's, it's your soul, that's making the intention and declaring what it is
that's going on here. And, um, and you just declared God, God, this is how it is.
And he honors that. He's like, okay. Um, as you said, so shall it be.
And that means that nothing can come against you. Satan can't come against you. You can't
come against yourself and condemn blame and yourself or feel bad or, or anything. And, um,
and also you can also talk about, uh, this also might help you, um, kind of, uh, focus your
intention and talk about the fact that, you know, uh, you know, and declare that there, there is
nothing that there, there, that you can be triggered by, um, you know, to, to go down a,
a sexually lustful road, or, uh, have, have, uh, be triggered into having particular fantasies
or be triggered into having, um, you know, these dreams where you, you're not intending any of
these things to happen. And these things are coming against you and whatever, you know,
that there's nothing within you that. I feel like there's a fear. The fear has been,
the biggest fear has been that I'm bad. That's the been the fear has been.
shame that what if I'm bad like I've told you this I think at the very beginning like what if I'm on
somehow on the enemy's side and I don't know it like wouldn't people tell me I mean wouldn't you
tell me like if you saw something in me that I mean anybody you know right like wouldn't
people in my life tell me like how would how would I be tricked into thinking I'm good when I'm bad
like and scripture says that like a good tree can only bear good fruit and a bad tree can
only bear bad fruit so that's been part of you know what's helped me like rationally even think
through that doesn't but certain times like when a trigger comes up that's still there's a little
hint of this fear that I'm bad and when I think about like the sexual dreams like perhaps that's
to try to like shame me toward thinking I'm bad right you know like that's sort of connected
yeah well if the Lord says that you're not then you're not and you can declare yourself to be so
right it's like I you know when I'm talking about all of this declaration because
your world is framed up by what it is that you declare is true period so even if you disagree
with God your world has been framed up by whatever lie it is that you believe so if God
says that you're good then you don't have then the only and then you uh God knows it Satan knows
that you're the only one who doesn't know it even Satan knows it so therefore and God has given you
the power to declare things to be so and that way if you say so then so shall it be and even better
in the fact that he's the one who said first so you're repeating his words back back to him and
so you declare in all of this declaration you you declare that you know Lord I am righteous
I am holy because I say so and now he said it first so you're repeating it back so you're not
like coming up with something out of nothing but you're but the the point of saying no because I
say so is is kind of acknowledging what the Lord says that I have power and authority and that if I
say so then the devil has to listen nothing can come against me because I say so um there there's
some kind of uh there's and what that's doing is it's honoring what it is the Lord has said about
you so uh uh anyway and then and then again I declare that I I recommend that you declare
that anything that comes against you will have no resonance with you that there's nothing for
it to trigger because there's no same frequency you do not have a frequency in you that anything
that would try to come against you and trigger you and tempt you or cause you to respond you know in
your soul or in your body or whatever it will have nothing that it can find resonance with and
you declare that to be true you declare it and you go on you don't ask for permission you don't ask
that it be honored you don't you don't ask for anything you say that it's so and and because that
is choosing to act in faith that if God says it's true then it's true because if God says it's true
well then all you have to do is say it and it's done and you can go on so you don't have to like
the longer that I've found that personally I mull over something in my soul and often the longer
that I pray the more that I pray myself out of faith the more I pray myself out of believing
and that's why I have to keep going because the whole point in talking is for your soul anyway
it's to help it track with your intention it's helped to give your intention a bit of guidance
of what it is that you're determining what it is that you're wanting and and give it and give your
intention a particular direction to go but other than that there's no point you don't have to
actually say it out loud it just kind of gives your intention something to grab ahold of so you
can guide it to actually hit the mark of what you intend to accomplish um and uh but anyway yeah
so awesome but that's what I'm saying is that I recommend that you don't pray and declare all of
this too long and like come up with this big long grocery list because you can start talking you can
you can start stopping to believe yourself if you just come in and boom and you just get it done and
you move on you didn't give yourself time to talk yours to to stop believing it yeah
get in there and get it get it done yeah it doesn't move on and it doesn't matter what
happens after then you just continue to learn this is what's true and it doesn't matter if
there's if there's evidence to the contrary
It doesn't matter if you were to declare all of this tonight, because, um, and in the end,
something were to happen tonight, you know, and you're like, oh my word, you don't go
back to the whole, oh my goodness, here it goes again.
That thing has no place.
And you continue to declare what so, because the wind and the waves do not tell you what
is true.
You tell it what is true and it will eventually come in alignment with it.
Right.
That's so good.
No, you gave me so many tools.
My friend was saying the other night, she was like, I think it was a book, um, called
spirit wars, but I guess, I think it's Chris Valentin, but he, he says in there that if
anything were to like attack that he would, there was a story about how I don't know if
it was him or someone else, but he would just basically wake up and say, oh, it's just like,
yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I remember reading that.
Okay.
I didn't remember which book of his that was in, but I remember it's just, okay, whatever.
You know, like don't even give it any thought or credence or anything.
And like you said, I like, I really like the phrasing, not that it's all about the words,
but just the concept of like, this doesn't even resonate.
Like there's no resonance whatsoever.
Can't trigger me.
And it can't, um, impact me because we're not even on the same frequency at all.
So that's like really good.
That's so good.
All of it's so good.
So, wow.
Thank you so much, girl.
I don't even, wow.
That's just like divine wisdom between what's in my head and on my notes and just the whole,
the whole thing.
There's so much gold and like so many nuggets that the Lord knew, because I didn't even
totally know.
I just was like, I miss her and, you know, want to connect.
And so, yeah, I know I'm not on Facebook, um, but I, I still like when I get on, it's
like specifically to go to a teaching and I'm like with blinders, I'm like, I can't
see anything else.
No notifications.
Cause it's so overwhelming.
And especially right now, the climate with the election and everything, it's like, ah,
but, um, but yeah, I would love to know, like, I feel like especially I thought that came
to me earlier, which I know we've talked on a lot about other things, but just when we
were talking earlier about, um, just really saying yes to the season, seeing the beauty
and how it's, it's really, you know, precious and, um, just him calling me, you know, away
and, and just not being so much in, in the social and in the community and stuff like
that.
Um, I feel like it would be really helpful to have a couple of like, you know, anchors
like in terms of, um, conversation.
And I don't know, I don't know what that looks like, but I just would love to, to know like
what it could look like for us to talk on a regular basis, like whatever that looks
like, especially in a season like this, because yeah, I'm going from being so highly relational
and so like outward to this.
And I feel like it's a really, it's a, it is a big shift.
It's part of still this like rest shift and coming into his love and identity stuff.
And I, I, I don't want to like isolate either.
And I feel like there's so much wisdom here and just in our relationship.
So whether that meant, you know, um, Marco Polo is better, or like if you would be willing
to do like a weekly thing, or if that's too much, like every couple or, you know, just
something where I think that we could, could be just, um, yeah, just a good solid thing.
Not that I'm like leaning on or relying on you, but just as I'm alone with him kind of
checking in on these, you know, the shifting into rest and just the things that are changing
and hearing the perspective because you hear it and then you hear it and then you hear
it.
And then like, as I'm living it out, it changes as you know, like the, the things that are
going on, you know, in your world or your circumstances or thoughts, it changes.
And what I hear you saying in like a teaching and there's a different application or a way
of applying it.
So yeah, I can still like prioritize being on, on Thursday nights.
So I don't mean for you to like necessarily need to give me your own conversation, but
I do feel like on some level, it would help to know that like, there's something consistent
there to where I'm not in isolation as I shift and kind of pull away back and yeah.
Yeah.
Always feel free.
And, you know, to reach out and, and, and, you know, we just would just, you know, just,
I would, I would say that just, um, reach out, you know, as, um, you know, as you need
to, um, and we just, you know, just see, you know, just let it just happen.
kind of like organically as opposed to like scheduled or stilted or structured or whatever.
So based on, you know, because you might have different needs.
That's true. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
So I won't be like bothering you though if I do check in, you know, if it's like weekly or,
you know. No, you'll be fine.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Thank you, friend.
You're welcome.
So good to get to catch up with you.
Yes, you too. You too.
I'm just, I have so much now to chew on and take with me and I'm just super blessed.
Very, very blessed by our conversation and time.
So I'm glad.
Me too. Me too.
Always a pleasure to get to visit with you.
And I never told you this, but you know, you remind me of Sandra Bullock.
Really? Oh my gosh.
I can see that.
She's got dark, dark, yeah.
Dark hair.
Is it called doppelganger?
Yeah. Okay.
Do people give you one? I'm trying to think.
What have you heard?
But I don't remember who that is because it's been so long.
When I had it, when I applied it in blonde hair, it was Elsa.
I know she's a fake person.
I know she's an animated person, but I was getting that.
Oh yeah. I played Elsa one time for a three-year-old birthday party.
Yeah.
I can see that.
Once, it was at first I said no.
And a week later I gave in and I felt guilty.
Oh, that's funny.
There's somebody that they've told me, but I don't remember who it is.
Anyway, because it's been a few years since I've heard it.
Yeah. I don't remember.
There's, yeah.
Well, I look at you and I'm always like, she's so beautiful.
Like every time I'm always like, oh my gosh.
She's so sweet.
Seriously.
I'm going to call you every day.
No, it's true though.
I don't say it out loud because I don't want to be weird.
Oh my gosh.
She's so beautiful.
She looks, I always notice your, you know, your makeup, your hair, your outfit.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
All right, girl.
Get some rest and sleep.
I enjoy being home in Texas for a little short while and Asheville is going to be so fun.
Yes, I'm looking forward to it.
It sounds like a great place to go.
If there's ever a time along the way, which I mean, I trust that there will be,
he'll show us, but you're, you're so welcome here.
Thank you.
I would love to.
You would want to maybe explore Chicago or St. Louis or, I mean, not that we're in them,
but those are near cities.
Things are good.
I'll remember that.
I know, right?
Yes.
I hope you sleep well.
Great.
Too.
Love you, girl.
Bye.