WEBVTT

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I'm going to throw some watermelon.

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Hello.

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Hi, are you good?

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It's good to see you.

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Good to see you to get the lighting Okay, can you see me?

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Yeah, it's great.

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It's perfect.

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It's like evening but just lit enough, you know,

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trying to set that up.

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There we go.

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Sorry.

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Are you with friends?

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Huh?

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Oh, you're in your cousin's bed.

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No, no.

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I'm at my parents house.

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Oh, your parents.

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I thought you said your cousins.

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Okay.

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Your parents.

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Cozy.

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Cozy.

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Cozy.

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Yes.

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I'm in Texas.

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I am.

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So I, yeah, I was in Colorado for a back in Colorado for a week.

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And now I'm in Texas.

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And now I'm in Texas.

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Then next week, I plan to head.

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To North Carolina where I should be there for about two weeks.

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Oh, my goodness.

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That's hard.

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I, my family's in North Carolina.

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A lot about that.

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Well, I'm going to go visit Holly.

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And then, and I don't know where she lives exactly.

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And then I'm going to go to Greensboro.

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She lives somewhere in the Sandhills area.

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Okay.

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I don't know where she lives.

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I don't know.

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We're talking about it. Okay.

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In the end,

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I'm going up to Greensboro to visit with a pastor friend of mine.

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And then going to Asheville for a conference.

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With some, some friends from.

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That I was with Missouri and Denver.

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All of that stuff.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I mean, I'm sure it's.

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Yeah, it's about.

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About.

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Manifest.

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How would you put it?

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Recognizing that who it is that we are in the spirit.

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And, and how to.

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How to live more from the spirit.

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I guess is how you would word that. Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Do you, do you have people that you can point to that?

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You would say are.

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Like aligned with your, you know,

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the way that you see things and the way that you see the Lord,

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because I know it is very different.

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Then mainstream. And then even within.

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You know, the world of.

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Nearby like streams. Like, do you have sort of a.

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Do you have people that you can point to that are aligned with you?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I mean,

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I don't know if we're going to put you on conferences because I know

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that we're going to align and.

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Even if it's not a denomination or anything, but like,

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is it like that?

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Or do you just feel like you just kind of pick and choose based on.

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Each individual.

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Like person.

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There were, there are a lot of them that all know each other. Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I mean,

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sometimes connections that I have with certain people and connections

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that they have with the people that are putting on conferences.

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Like the guy that I'm going to go.

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His conference. I'm going to go to his.

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He is best friends with my friend who was one of the speakers at the

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Missouri conference.

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And he was actually connected with my friend.

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And then kind of find out their, their best friends. So, so yeah,

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I just hear about people through.

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Through some others.

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And.

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You know, I don't know a lot of these.

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I don't know it's not really a circle but it's like there's individual circles in a certain place in among certain people those circles converge.

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Preachers and pastors, they all kind of know each other.

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There are certain areas of the circles that do not converge, and there are certain parts of the service that you converge with other with other people in other circles so it's a little bit of a little bit of a hodgepodge.

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Yeah, I feel that that makes a lot of sense that resonates with what, I guess, I would say, where I'm at too, because it's not like a.

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Yeah, it's based on on connections and circles, but not any one necessarily.

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Or it's like hard to put a name on it, you know, but there's not like a name.

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There's like a few names of people that, you know, I could, I could give you like you said like individuals that I know that have.

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Then you know communities and things like that but not like, it's this denomination or this group or.

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Yeah.

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Aside from our group, and my friends and mentors that lead a group called grow that I've been a part of this past year, like I wouldn't say there's any other rhyme or reason, necessarily except for you just know you know when your spirits like connect and

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when it resonates with people.

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Yeah, like you'll know.

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I don't know it feels like one thing leads you to another like there's just all these connections the Lord just makes and it happens and you just know it's right like, you know, it's, you know, it's safe and good to pursue so that's cool.

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That's exciting. I've heard really great things about Asheville, I have a lot of people that have, you know, along the way even Mike, a good friend from high school has lived there and she's an artist and there's a great supposedly a great like artistic kind of community

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their music, music and art and culture, which I'm sure there's a lot of that that is completely far from God.

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But, you know, he's in it all, you know, I mean he's, he's there.

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Cool things happening among among all these artistic people in Asheville.

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Yeah, yeah, I'm curious what it's been like for your like your travels and stuff because I don't think that I've gotten to hear.

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You've been in a rhythm of traveling, what your adventures have, what's kind of the overall what's God doing and showing you and what's it been like my word, I'm showing me that he is.

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It really triggers. Well, he's trying to show and get me to enjoy whatever he gives me and how it works, as opposed to trying to learn a lesson.

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Just actually just enjoy it. I'm giving this to you. This is a good thing, you know, enjoy how I want it to look like, okay, you know, okay, what am I supposed to be learning here and and pass the test and all of that guys just like no enjoy it.

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But aren't I supposed to be learning something because things look like they're Cali wampus and surely I've messed up somewhere or I'm supposed to be looking at a particular way in order to like faith it through or because I know better than all of this and yet, I mean I still do it, which is why, again, he has to move me in greater and greater measures, because I'm like okay I know how to operate in rest up to a particular point.

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And beyond that, I still want to go to the tree of knowledge good and evil or faith it out or, you know, work or, or whatever. And so I hit those new boundaries in those that my old defaults, you know, start coming up and God's like no no no actually now this is a new area in which we're going to learn how to rest I'm like, Lord, I don't know how to do that in this area.

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So, stuff like that comes back you know fears, fears of abandonment you know whatever accusations that I have against the Lord, Lord, are you going to be there for me.

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Lord, it doesn't look like you're here for me right now.

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And I don't know what to do with this.

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I needed you yesterday, and you weren't there.

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I'm meeting you right now but you still have time to come in at the 1111.99 hour, you know, it's like no no no, Lord, the, you know, it passed yesterday.

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Where were you, you know, all of that. And so just just triggers and fears of my own accusations I have against Lord my own abandonment.

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You know he abandoned me or doesn't love me or doesn't notice me or doesn't care or I've messed it all up and I'm all wrong and I just knew it I can't get this right, or, you know, all the shame that comes up so that's what all of this is, is.

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That's what I've been encountering.

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As we encounter those things anyway, just, it's just that traveling, I'm just

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encountering in them in some very interesting ways, um, the way that a

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friend of mine explains it is, is, um, they were like, actually, you've got

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to let your soul get used to traveling.

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Because there's a lot in the constant shifting and the constant unknown and

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the constant need to be flexible and the living in someone else's house and the,

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whatever that, that, you know, a little bit is fun.

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And then it, where it's just constant that he's, he's like, Ashley, you know,

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your soul has got to get used to the traveling and, and as your soul gets

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used to that, it's going to be triggered and your accusations against the

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Lord are going to be coming up.

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Sure enough.

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And, uh, so anyway, yeah, that's, that's what I've been been working with is,

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um, I've been having, uh, I hadn't, in fact, I was with people for about two

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and a half weeks, solid, solid two and a half weeks.

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And I, from, from a woman who's used to living alone.

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Yes.

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I, um, and I, uh, as soon as I left my friends, I crashed.

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I mean, I absolutely crashed.

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Um, and, uh, because I told the Lord, I was like, Lord, I know why I know why I'm

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crashing.

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It's because I've been with other people for two and a half weeks

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and now I'm alone with you.

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Similar places.

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It's funny, like context, but very surprisingly, like similar to what I'm

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going through and it's interesting to hear you describe it because it's yeah.

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Yeah.

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It's a lot about, about what it's like to be alone, alone in the unknown.

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And it's sort of like, just with you at times, like, it's great to be just with

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him.

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And at times it's, it's, it's, I feel lonely.

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Um, and he's like, I'm, but I'm here.

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I know other people might not get it or, you know, just there's people that just

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don't get it or there's even careless with, with, you know, your heart or

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whatever, like, especially in the season, I think he's showing us in the transition

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season that we're in as a people, like just the old alignments.

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Um, not every single one, but a lot of the old alignments and a lot of what we

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found comfort in is it's, it's shifting and changing because yeah, not everybody

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can be in the birthing room, you know, of what, what we're birthing and what he's

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birthing through us.

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And, um, but yeah, it can feel really lonely and there's times that I, I'm

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feeling that, you know, and then he's like, but you have me like, I'm, I'm right

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here.

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I'm the Holy spirit.

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I'm your bestie.

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Right.

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Oh yeah.

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Yeah.

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But it's just funny how much, and maybe this isn't the case for you, but I can

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kind of get used to community or have, um, cause I think it is really valuable,

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but at the same time, there's another level of just being with him and being

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really okay.

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Um, with all of those questions are just, you know, like you said, triggers

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are things inside that are coming up and there isn't something to busy or someone

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to, you know, busy yourself with or to comfort it.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So anyway, what about you?

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How are you?

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Yeah.

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I mean, that's it like a, a snapshot of, you know, some of how it is in this

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season that I find myself in.

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Cause I feel like the same season that you've been traveling has been kind of

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the start of, of now reflecting back.

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I didn't know.

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I mean, I knew it was like, you know, things are changing as a new job and

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everything with the girls school and now the legal stuff, and there was a lot

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changing, but I didn't understand like the significance of what that would mean.

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Not just in the, the schedule change and things like that, but it's, it's, it's

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truly like a season change, if that makes sense, where there's been new, just a lot

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of like new feelings and new like I said, like loneliness that I haven't known, but

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also, you know, a chance to really be okay with getting quiet.

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it because I think I was moving into you know he had said rest and he said this is a rest and reset

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and that was the time that I had reached out to you in June July but then that was the beginnings

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of it you know and I feel like there was this other there's been kind of a second part too

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to what the rest and reset looked like because along with I can't fully explain like I didn't

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I didn't feel like I had any heads up or like knowledge enough to even

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I guess it was uncomfortable to not even have time or or or the heads up enough to let anyone

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in my life know that suddenly everything was going to change like I didn't have the heads

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up so therefore I couldn't give other people the heads up and suddenly I don't know maybe

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it felt kind of like if if you would have suddenly hit the road and maybe you did suddenly

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hit the road you know but like where there wasn't any like heads up or you weren't able to tell the

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people around you and you hit the road you know and so there's just like this newness and new

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adventures in your time and where you are and you're you know everything everything is shifting

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and yet there's not really even for me like a chance to like I I just happen I'm trying to

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explain like how it just it happened and I wasn't expecting for it to not all all just change

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schedule wise but like I said that it would change internally and that it would be a season where I

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would feel and now I can describe it like six weeks in but feel like a a hiddenness like that

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the Lord's like hiding me in him and pulling me back and everything like things that I didn't

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expect for him to pull me back in right not just because I'm busy but that's a big part of it

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but even like how exhausted I felt um that it isn't just a physical exhaustion you know and

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so it's it's almost like trying it feels like you're almost going like what's happening what's

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happening because you you have to keep functioning and doing life but for me I mean it is I've dealt

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with like adrenal fatigue and chronic fatigue and things like that but I know it's more than that I

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know it's not just a physical thing and I know the like the weight the weightiness of of the

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grief that has come up and the emotions and things like that that's gotta have to do with it but

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there's just times that I'm um I'm just overwhelmed by the level of exhaustion that I feel that I can

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barely kind of peel myself um up off the floor it feels like not just again physically but almost

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even in like a posture of I almost just have to be at his feet and it's almost like a

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and I'm sure part of this came through the divorce stuff being sort of in my face again

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through like mediation and that failing and knowing it was going to but then the reality

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when it came down um I just felt like a few weeks ago when that happened there was there was another

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level of grieving sort of the death of everything not not again not that I even really understand it

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but potentially you know I've held on to hope because you have to hold on to hope um always

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you know that even the things that that I was doing in terms of um the waiting and the waiting

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on the lord and the waiting on the lord and and in the meantime taking the right steps doing all

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the right things like with to the best of my ability which isn't easy to discern with attorneys

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and what you know when to respond or not to respond to the games and the tactics and the

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emails and the different things and waiting and having to like the girls like the the emotions

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they go through and being so in tune with them and yet not having the ability to fully rush in

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and help because there's all these limitations and what I can do it feels you know like you're

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not bound but you're bound but living in such a way that coming out of being under his like thumb

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and feeling like he has this power over me and living in terror and fear of the next thing he

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was going to do like coming out of that with the lord and as I did that there was still

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okay now I'm not like he doesn't have this power over me but I still very much living in the

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limitations of this hasn't fully manifest what god's promising me what he keeps reminding me

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it's not manifest in the natural like to where the circumstances are different like I'm different

246
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something's very different in me and the lord's healed and done a huge thing and I mean I yeah

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even from last fall like he he literally he literally stopped the triggers that I was having

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like every 10 minutes like to the point where

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I just, I didn't feel like I had anything except to cry out to him for help with what was like these, these physical, you know, emotional triggers what you read about with PTSD and things that were so excessive and he broke that off like in an instant,

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it was, you know, not that anything didn't ever like threatened to come back and in certain moments but like that that incessant, like, just the, the, the terrorizing fear and tormenting fear, and the triggers that went along with that of, and the

251
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and stuff like that completely like he literally saved me. And that was huge turning point, and yet, fast forward again it's like I'm changing inside but then I can't fully rescue my girls from the things that they're going through.

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All right, some, some simple things that they want, you know, for months and months that when you hear you know their hearts desires they want to dance and they want to.

253
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They want to take dance lessons and they've been asking for now two years and in the meantime, instead of getting to say yes to that.

254
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Because, you know, I've always been into the arts and I want that for them and I see the joy and music and when they sing and dance and do art and paint and all these things.

255
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And it's like they ask and ask and ask and we talked about it and my heart is always right there with them and yet I have these roadblocks where it's like well I can't do anything without his permission in a way right now like I can't do anything

256
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without, without, you know, him lashing out in some way I can't do anything without him, taking us for a spin and so it's just, it just feels like you're doing this and I think that when the mediation.

257
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Like he, he basically like Pharaoh said no for the last time and that was really the final.

258
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That was, you know, and everyone's been a consensus kind of opinion the final effort, and the last thing that we could do to to try even after waiting and being the underdog and taking the hits and all that and just waiting so many times that he would

259
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say no, even though it wasn't a shock.

260
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It, it was, it was like some kind of shots final.

261
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Yeah, and I think that that brought the grief that I hadn't fully felt because there's again you always keep hope alive.

262
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In order to keep going in this and.

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And so there's some part of me that was like well if we're going to go through this and we're going to spend $1,000 in mediation and we're going to, you know, all of this that you're gearing up for something.

264
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You know, you're gearing up for something and I mean to see how the Lord came through on everything in three weeks time from there.

265
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The getting ahold of my attorney after five months of coven and not hearing from her to the job timing of to finding a mediator because it's extremely difficult around here to find like family law, they're completely swamped and overwhelmed and then

266
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COVID on top of it but there's just not that many who don't have a conflict of interest.

267
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So to, to even find a mediator right away and my first call, which I had called last year, trying to find a mediator and it was not the doors weren't opening and this time it was the first call, they were like ready to schedule.

268
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And then, and then it was the whole you know within a week's time realizing Okay, I thought this was like a few hundred dollars that you know I needed to do, because it's written that whoever requested pays for it, but instead it was like $1,000 and so

269
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we need to come up with the rest of that so Lord provide.

270
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I'm trusting you because I'm in a new job and I don't even have time to, like, figure anything out or worry about it at all and I'm just not going to I'm just going to trust you and then he did it within 24 hours and all this like to come to that place, and him

271
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moving moving moving, there was some kind of expectation that like okay this is this is us we're bringing all that we have we're bringing the courage or bringing the finances were scheduling the time we're waiting on him because he had to be tracked down by the

272
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to go to do the mediation, it was like such a.

273
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It's just like really you know, like I don't.

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I'm not shocked, but it just, it is shocking to, you know, in a way to go.

275
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Okay, this was like your opportunity, your one opportunity and I've looked for every other way and tried to open up every other avenue and door, and you're still going to say no.

276
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You know, I don't know why it brought such grief up but it did.

277
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And so I've spent a few weeks feeling kind of extra fatigued.

278
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like, on top of trying to get used to being gone so much and

279
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just it's just a lot to work full time outside the home, like,

280
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and then to take care of the home and the groceries and the

281
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bills and the thing like in the girls and, you know, and then I

282
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felt like there was so much time spent with the mediation stuff

283
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and the attorneys and all this on top of it that when that

284
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happened, instead of me feeling like, oh, that's one less thing.

285
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It felt like this wave of just emotional fatigue, like, through

286
00:25:36.360 --> 00:25:39.400
the grief of just I could cry for days, and I don't even know

287
00:25:39.400 --> 00:25:46.120
how to explain why. And I, I got through, you know, got through

288
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that, like, one day at a time, you know, with him. And in that

289
00:25:51.040 --> 00:25:54.320
same time period, I mentioned earlier, it's it's the feeling

290
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of being pulled back so much that it feels like a really

291
00:26:00.600 --> 00:26:03.960
lonely road, but it's okay, because he's really what I'm

292
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needing to, you know, cross over from from the old into the new

293
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and it really is such a Yeah, he's just being really kind and

294
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obvious with certain things that keep, he keeps bringing up

295
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certain words and concepts, and visions and things like over and

296
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over and just reminding me that it really is okay, that there's

297
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another level of letting go and another level of dying to the

298
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old in a sense, not that we're supposed to, like, I don't think

299
00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:43.920
like I did in the in the days of, you know, we need to kill

300
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our flesh and our flesh is bad. I'm not saying like that. But

301
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there's there's

302
00:26:49.960 --> 00:26:53.040
yeah, it just feels like dying to expectations dying to

303
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.440
hopes and dreams in a way like even though I know God's gonna

304
00:26:58.440 --> 00:27:03.520
make it so much better, there's not any clarity except his

305
00:27:03.520 --> 00:27:07.320
promises, which are enough. But it's losing all of what felt

306
00:27:07.320 --> 00:27:11.560
like possibilities of, of kind of what was next or where it

307
00:27:11.560 --> 00:27:17.080
could go into like this whole new world that isn't fun for me.

308
00:27:17.800 --> 00:27:20.200
Not that I'm not thankful for his provision. It's just not fun

309
00:27:20.200 --> 00:27:23.960
to feel like all your time is taken and you can barely process

310
00:27:23.960 --> 00:27:26.760
what you're going through and you don't have time to even

311
00:27:26.760 --> 00:27:29.240
explain to your closest friends like where you're at. You know

312
00:27:29.240 --> 00:27:32.560
what I mean? You just kind of have to like feels a bit like

313
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survival and felt just like really pulled off Facebook. And

314
00:27:36.040 --> 00:27:39.840
that's not just because I'm so busy. I felt like just I don't

315
00:27:39.840 --> 00:27:46.200
know, just very bombarded on Facebook by all the things. And

316
00:27:46.200 --> 00:27:51.680
just like God was like, you just need to not. And, and so that's

317
00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:54.000
hard, because that's a connection, you know, to so many

318
00:27:54.000 --> 00:28:00.960
people that I value and just not being there for people not being

319
00:28:00.960 --> 00:28:06.560
present and not being able to say why it feels a little bit

320
00:28:06.560 --> 00:28:09.320
like when you move, or again, like if you, you know, the

321
00:28:09.320 --> 00:28:12.520
traveling thing, and didn't get to say bye to your friends. Like,

322
00:28:12.720 --> 00:28:15.680
I know, it's like dramatic to say it that way. Because I know

323
00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:18.880
it's not forever. But it feels a bit like that, like if you up

324
00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:21.560
and moved and like life, everything changed, but you

325
00:28:21.560 --> 00:28:28.000
couldn't say bye to the people before you left. And I know that

326
00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:33.520
he'll bring around what and who needs to be here. But again, it

327
00:28:33.520 --> 00:28:38.560
feels like a grieving sort of the old and a letting go of the

328
00:28:38.560 --> 00:28:42.040
hopes or the, this is how I, you know, like to operate in

329
00:28:42.040 --> 00:28:46.600
relationships. This is what I want to have energy for. This is

330
00:28:46.960 --> 00:28:51.480
in some ways what I want to do and just embracing me and him.

331
00:28:52.440 --> 00:28:58.480
You know, obviously, my family included in that, but not a lot

332
00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:04.520
outside, which is even like when it comes to purpose and calling,

333
00:29:04.600 --> 00:29:06.360
you know, and I'm sure you'll understand this, because I know

334
00:29:06.360 --> 00:29:09.880
you came into coaching, you know, having gone through from

335
00:29:09.880 --> 00:29:13.120
what you shared so far, some some different seasons of, you

336
00:29:13.120 --> 00:29:16.360
know, I was gonna do this, and then he kind of switched gears.

337
00:29:16.360 --> 00:29:18.440
And then he made it really clear that I was supposed to do this.

338
00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:22.920
And, you know, so I know, it's not over yet. But in a sense,

339
00:29:22.960 --> 00:29:29.200
it's like, I've just never, like, with all of my being felt

340
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:33.240
that sort of going into a cocoon, in a sense, like, I know

341
00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:37.200
it's not over. But the things that were moving along, and that

342
00:29:37.200 --> 00:29:43.880
even were from him. Like, I don't think I did anything wrong,

343
00:29:43.880 --> 00:29:47.400
or I missed it, it just suddenly seemed to kind of drop off. And

344
00:29:47.400 --> 00:29:51.440
suddenly my focus and everything had to be different. And there's

345
00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:55.160
like a grief with that, too, that again, is part of letting

346
00:29:55.160 --> 00:29:59.560
go of the old and he said, you know, burn the ships. And if

347
00:29:59.560 --> 00:30:00.040
you're familiar

348
00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.080
with that story and history.

349
00:30:02.080 --> 00:30:03.940
I don't know if you know what I'm talking about,

350
00:30:03.940 --> 00:30:05.760
but there's a song that was written about it,

351
00:30:05.760 --> 00:30:07.580
but it's talking about,

352
00:30:10.640 --> 00:30:11.480
what is his name?

353
00:30:11.480 --> 00:30:12.540
The Spanish,

354
00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:19.960
this is the Spaniard that had like all these men,

355
00:30:19.960 --> 00:30:22.880
they were gonna go conquer this territory.

356
00:30:22.880 --> 00:30:23.720
I'm gonna botch this,

357
00:30:23.720 --> 00:30:26.480
but yeah, basically they were coming in with their ships

358
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:28.160
and they were gonna like,

359
00:30:29.160 --> 00:30:31.520
like they were totally outnumbered

360
00:30:31.520 --> 00:30:34.880
and they were gonna have to take over this territory.

361
00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:38.060
And basically in a moment he was just like,

362
00:30:38.060 --> 00:30:41.160
like we're gonna burn the ships,

363
00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:43.080
like we're gonna actually blow up our ships

364
00:30:43.080 --> 00:30:45.120
because like there's no turning back

365
00:30:45.120 --> 00:30:47.680
and in doing so,

366
00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:50.100
they knew that they had no other choice

367
00:30:50.100 --> 00:30:51.960
and they literally did the impossible.

368
00:30:51.960 --> 00:30:56.200
And so yeah, so then the Christian worship song

369
00:30:56.200 --> 00:30:58.000
or whatever written about that,

370
00:30:58.160 --> 00:31:00.880
that was something that God had said to me

371
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:03.520
soon before I met you,

372
00:31:03.520 --> 00:31:04.920
it was like,

373
00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:06.880
I know like he's saying burn the ships,

374
00:31:06.880 --> 00:31:08.480
but I kept finding myself,

375
00:31:09.400 --> 00:31:11.520
I don't know if you ever experienced this where you,

376
00:31:11.520 --> 00:31:13.480
it's like, you know that's the thing to do,

377
00:31:13.480 --> 00:31:17.640
but something in your soul or that realm

378
00:31:17.640 --> 00:31:20.760
is like sort of butting up against it

379
00:31:20.760 --> 00:31:23.140
and not really,

380
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:26.000
not doing it.

381
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:27.180
It's like, you kind of know,

382
00:31:27.220 --> 00:31:29.900
like these are things that I could do to

383
00:31:33.980 --> 00:31:37.260
deal with that thing or to let go or whatever

384
00:31:37.260 --> 00:31:39.860
and yet like I just find myself standing still in a sense,

385
00:31:39.860 --> 00:31:43.740
like I knew I was gonna need a bit of a nudge from him

386
00:31:43.740 --> 00:31:47.020
because it felt like it was deeper and bigger

387
00:31:47.020 --> 00:31:50.020
than what I could understand at that time.

388
00:31:50.020 --> 00:31:50.860
You know what I mean?

389
00:31:50.860 --> 00:31:52.580
Like I had that sense of,

390
00:31:52.580 --> 00:31:53.840
he's saying burn the ships,

391
00:31:53.840 --> 00:31:56.700
that means like all of this pain and this trauma

392
00:31:57.220 --> 00:31:59.140
and the stuff that I've carried like with me,

393
00:31:59.140 --> 00:32:03.540
like that he's like really truly wanting to

394
00:32:03.540 --> 00:32:05.660
like draw that line and bury it.

395
00:32:06.700 --> 00:32:07.860
Like he said, bury it.

396
00:32:07.860 --> 00:32:09.700
And I think that because,

397
00:32:11.780 --> 00:32:15.020
yeah, just because like in a big way,

398
00:32:15.020 --> 00:32:17.780
that's been, you know, my recent years,

399
00:32:17.780 --> 00:32:21.780
but that's been like even like life as I've known it.

400
00:32:23.300 --> 00:32:25.260
Like I know a lot of people go through really hard things

401
00:32:25.260 --> 00:32:28.540
and there's like way, way worse things

402
00:32:28.540 --> 00:32:30.620
and yet it doesn't change the fact that like,

403
00:32:30.620 --> 00:32:35.500
I've known just a lot of grief and pain and shame

404
00:32:35.500 --> 00:32:38.260
and even carrying my parents shame

405
00:32:38.260 --> 00:32:41.420
and just not having parents like relationships,

406
00:32:41.420 --> 00:32:43.380
you know, abandonment, rejection, things like that.

407
00:32:43.380 --> 00:32:44.700
And then repeating that in my marriage

408
00:32:44.700 --> 00:32:48.580
and how that went down and the red, you know,

409
00:32:48.580 --> 00:32:51.140
the scarlet letter on my forehead

410
00:32:51.500 --> 00:32:53.900
and sort of coming out of that,

411
00:32:53.900 --> 00:32:58.260
that I was this, you know, label, you know,

412
00:32:58.260 --> 00:33:00.940
crazy messed up person according to him

413
00:33:00.940 --> 00:33:04.220
and according to the enemy and people's judgments

414
00:33:04.220 --> 00:33:05.060
and things like that.

415
00:33:05.060 --> 00:33:06.860
And so it's like burning all of that,

416
00:33:06.860 --> 00:33:11.860
like truly, like truly, truly letting go of all of that

417
00:33:13.580 --> 00:33:16.420
that's been so wrapped up in your identity,

418
00:33:16.420 --> 00:33:19.980
in your experience and your emotion, you know,

419
00:33:19.980 --> 00:33:22.060
it's like, okay, Lord, you know,

420
00:33:22.060 --> 00:33:24.780
I can see how this is a process with you

421
00:33:24.780 --> 00:33:28.780
but there's also a time when I think in a season

422
00:33:28.780 --> 00:33:32.780
and a shorter season, he can actually do that.

423
00:33:32.780 --> 00:33:34.900
Like where you don't feel the pain of the past

424
00:33:34.900 --> 00:33:36.660
the way that you have up until now.

425
00:33:38.660 --> 00:33:41.740
And so it is in a big way that crossing over

426
00:33:41.740 --> 00:33:44.540
and the things that I see, like I see all these visions

427
00:33:45.380 --> 00:33:46.660
and he's spoken all these things

428
00:33:46.660 --> 00:33:48.060
and I have all these prophetic words

429
00:33:48.100 --> 00:33:52.660
and yet it can feel so impossible,

430
00:33:52.660 --> 00:33:55.660
which is the way that he's, I mean,

431
00:33:55.660 --> 00:33:58.700
he's taught me to have,

432
00:34:00.540 --> 00:34:05.100
to approach that reality with faith and wonder and awe

433
00:34:05.100 --> 00:34:07.380
because I so believe he's gonna do it

434
00:34:07.380 --> 00:34:10.820
but I also see that it's a miracle,

435
00:34:10.820 --> 00:34:15.580
it's an impossibility for him to actually do the things

436
00:34:15.580 --> 00:34:19.980
that he's promised to do and take what's here now

437
00:34:19.980 --> 00:34:24.300
and transform it in a short time

438
00:34:24.300 --> 00:34:28.699
that a lot of people don't experience in all their years.

439
00:34:28.699 --> 00:34:29.540
You know what I mean?

440
00:34:29.540 --> 00:34:32.940
Like if, because he's called us to,

441
00:34:34.860 --> 00:34:37.940
you know, as a leader, like when you're called by God

442
00:34:37.940 --> 00:34:40.900
and we all have a calling, but like when you're called

443
00:34:40.900 --> 00:34:45.900
to lead and you're, you know, you're futuristic

444
00:34:47.340 --> 00:34:49.340
in terms of like, you see things prophetically

445
00:34:49.340 --> 00:34:53.219
or you see visions and yet here's where things are at.

446
00:34:55.940 --> 00:34:59.420
Yeah, you just know that either I'm,

447
00:35:00.560 --> 00:35:06.800
I'm just a dreamer, you know, or God's gonna with, you know, as I partner with him, he's actually

448
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:12.640
going to be able to do the impossible, he's going to be able to manifest heaven on earth, he's going

449
00:35:12.640 --> 00:35:19.440
to be able to accomplish this story within his story. It's gotta be one or the other, because

450
00:35:19.440 --> 00:35:23.600
this, this is what I see, this is what I sense, what I know, it's what I can't stop, you know,

451
00:35:24.240 --> 00:35:30.960
thinking about and what I'm drawn to again and again, that burns within me. And yet here's where

452
00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:40.080
I am right now. And as you go into the cave, in a sense, I feel like, you know, a bit like

453
00:35:41.440 --> 00:35:50.560
Elijah, being chased into the cave, you know, and feeling like, just so exhausted. And so like,

454
00:35:50.560 --> 00:35:55.200
just take me now, you know, not that I'm thinking that, but just that weariness and that, like,

455
00:35:55.200 --> 00:36:06.640
I'm so, I'm just, I'm just so ready for something different, like he just has to move. And I mean,

456
00:36:06.640 --> 00:36:13.760
I know that he, you know, describes that the wind came and he wasn't in the wind and the,

457
00:36:14.400 --> 00:36:18.480
the thunder, I don't remember all the different ones that he came in the still small voice,

458
00:36:18.480 --> 00:36:27.120
is that right? I need to look back to the story, but yeah, he was in the windstorm,

459
00:36:27.120 --> 00:36:32.880
and the windstorm, and the windstorm, and was it the fire? The windstorm, the fire,

460
00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:37.680
and still small voice, if I remember correctly, I may be remembering wrong. I know one of them

461
00:36:37.680 --> 00:36:42.480
was definitely the windstorm. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And that's been actually speaking

462
00:36:42.480 --> 00:36:47.920
a lot about he keeps showing me and saying the words, and it's showing up everywhere.

463
00:36:47.920 --> 00:36:52.400
I've started just taking notes, because I'm like, this is almost laughable at this point.

464
00:36:52.400 --> 00:36:57.600
But there have been two big themes. And it's been this winds, winds of change concept,

465
00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:07.280
and talking so much about wind. And then there's been the water, like, like, he keeps like,

466
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:10.560
right and left and constantly, my birthday was two weeks ago, or something, or almost

467
00:37:11.520 --> 00:37:16.000
like a week and a half ago. And he even that whole week, like, there are a few people that

468
00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:22.560
just friends that, you know, were praying with me, or sent a, you know, an encouraging word,

469
00:37:22.560 --> 00:37:27.120
or whatever. And every single, every single one, every, everything I read, every verse,

470
00:37:27.120 --> 00:37:31.520
you know, everything, it was all about this living waters are going to flow from your belly,

471
00:37:32.560 --> 00:37:38.800
concept of, you know, rivers of living water. And, and so yeah, between the water and the wind,

472
00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:43.760
it just, it's funny, because I just love that he speaks in these ways. And I don't doubt it anymore.

473
00:37:43.760 --> 00:37:51.920
And I don't feel bad that I see those connections. Because I just so value how much

474
00:37:53.280 --> 00:37:58.800
he cares to show up in those things that that will notice or that I've noticed, and you know,

475
00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:06.320
that that just tell me like, they keep hope alive over and over and over again, and just

476
00:38:06.320 --> 00:38:12.960
draw me to him, because they say in various ways, I'm, I'm really right here. Like, I'm, I'm,

477
00:38:13.600 --> 00:38:20.320
I'm in everything, I'm connecting it all together. See? So but yeah, I feel a bit like that,

478
00:38:20.320 --> 00:38:27.760
being chased into the cave and just weary. And yet, I know what's coming next is like all good

479
00:38:27.760 --> 00:38:36.720
stuff. So I'm not worried. Like, I don't feel like I'm, I feel like I'm very weary, but I don't,

480
00:38:36.720 --> 00:38:44.560
I don't feel like I'm doubting in the sense of, you know, God's not going to come through,

481
00:38:44.560 --> 00:38:48.560
but in little ways, like you said earlier, you kind of do wonder, like, do you see me? Do you,

482
00:38:48.560 --> 00:38:53.040
you know, are you, you know, are you coming through for me? Like, even though, you know,

483
00:38:53.040 --> 00:38:57.760
overall, in the day to day, sometimes it's just like, does anybody even care God? Because

484
00:38:58.960 --> 00:39:05.040
do you care? Because you know, nobody else knows where we're at. And it's just him,

485
00:39:05.040 --> 00:39:10.000
like, people don't have to know what's, what's going on, what he's doing in you,

486
00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:15.200
what's behind the scenes, has nothing to do with your value or worth. And yet I can see how,

487
00:39:16.080 --> 00:39:26.080
somehow I've tied, you know, even my friendships to, to, to my identity. And he's just stripping

488
00:39:26.080 --> 00:39:30.560
a lot of that and saying, like, I'm, I'm the lover of your soul. I'm, I'm your best friend,

489
00:39:30.560 --> 00:39:39.920
and I'm starting to dig into Song of Songs as a kind of a focus and study and just asking him

490
00:39:39.920 --> 00:39:47.440
for a hunger for his word, because I felt led to just pray for an actual hunger, like a ravenous

491
00:39:47.440 --> 00:39:55.120
hunger for the word that I haven't had before. And I had, you know, just somebody speak a prophetic

492
00:39:55.120 --> 00:39:59.840
word not long ago that said, like, you're going to come into a season of, of just,

493
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.920
that you never have with the word

494
00:40:01.920 --> 00:40:03.440
and seeking him in his word.

495
00:40:03.440 --> 00:40:05.380
And that's been a real struggle.

496
00:40:05.380 --> 00:40:07.500
Like that's been something that in all my years

497
00:40:07.500 --> 00:40:09.840
as a believer for so long, I hid from the word.

498
00:40:09.840 --> 00:40:12.720
I didn't know how to read it.

499
00:40:12.720 --> 00:40:13.660
I didn't know how to feel

500
00:40:13.660 --> 00:40:15.080
because I didn't trust God was good

501
00:40:15.080 --> 00:40:16.180
and he was really for me.

502
00:40:16.180 --> 00:40:18.760
And that, you know, I really wanted to be in the word.

503
00:40:18.760 --> 00:40:21.500
And then I felt guilty because I wasn't.

504
00:40:21.500 --> 00:40:24.100
And that was like what was required of me as a Christian.

505
00:40:24.100 --> 00:40:27.500
And so, you know, who was I to even, you know

506
00:40:27.500 --> 00:40:31.080
think he wanted to think good things of me or whatever.

507
00:40:31.940 --> 00:40:34.220
So I feel like it's a new season of,

508
00:40:34.220 --> 00:40:36.380
okay, he has me hidden.

509
00:40:36.380 --> 00:40:41.380
He has me, you know, either busy taking care of my family

510
00:40:41.380 --> 00:40:42.580
which I know is beyond that.

511
00:40:42.580 --> 00:40:44.180
Like he could provide in so many ways

512
00:40:44.180 --> 00:40:47.340
but he is providing through a job right now.

513
00:40:47.340 --> 00:40:52.340
And he is using it in many other ways I know beyond that.

514
00:40:53.860 --> 00:40:57.180
And it's sort of has us in this bubble

515
00:40:58.060 --> 00:41:03.060
and yet I don't know why I resist it a little bit

516
00:41:05.620 --> 00:41:09.780
because there's this, I guess there's this part of me

517
00:41:09.780 --> 00:41:14.340
that's like, well, what about like all these things

518
00:41:14.340 --> 00:41:18.740
though God, like I have a hard time settling, settling down.

519
00:41:19.780 --> 00:41:24.580
Like this analogy in this solitude book that I was reading

520
00:41:24.580 --> 00:41:29.580
they talk about shaking up, like having a jar

521
00:41:30.060 --> 00:41:34.180
I have a mason jar here, like having rocks and pebbles

522
00:41:34.180 --> 00:41:39.100
and water and sand and all this and like swirling this around

523
00:41:40.140 --> 00:41:43.780
and just the struggle to settle, like to land

524
00:41:43.780 --> 00:41:45.820
and like to let all of that sediment

525
00:41:45.820 --> 00:41:49.120
and everything just settle to the bottom and be still.

526
00:41:50.120 --> 00:41:55.120
And it feels like death to me, which is actually okay.

527
00:41:55.960 --> 00:41:59.440
And yet I find myself resisting that settling

528
00:41:59.440 --> 00:42:04.440
that because of the thoughts, you know, that can come of

529
00:42:05.120 --> 00:42:06.920
is this, am I doing something wrong

530
00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:08.120
or am I missing something?

531
00:42:08.120 --> 00:42:09.040
Am I missing out?

532
00:42:10.240 --> 00:42:15.240
Am I not, am I not ever going to be used by you God

533
00:42:15.680 --> 00:42:17.960
like the ways that you've shown me?

534
00:42:18.000 --> 00:42:20.320
Like, am I, you know, those kinds of things

535
00:42:20.320 --> 00:42:22.020
even though, like I said, I know overall

536
00:42:22.020 --> 00:42:25.800
that he's preparing us and that this is not the end

537
00:42:25.800 --> 00:42:30.160
it's just a season, a preparation

538
00:42:30.160 --> 00:42:33.420
it just doesn't feel that fun.

539
00:42:33.420 --> 00:42:36.320
And there's times that I really like to grieve

540
00:42:36.320 --> 00:42:38.360
and cry and just be with him.

541
00:42:38.360 --> 00:42:41.080
And there's times that I just want my time back

542
00:42:41.080 --> 00:42:46.080
and I want to be able to have more time to, you know

543
00:42:46.880 --> 00:42:47.880
be with him and reflect.

544
00:42:47.880 --> 00:42:50.160
It's amazing how much time it can take

545
00:42:50.160 --> 00:42:52.280
to just be with the Lord and heal

546
00:42:53.280 --> 00:42:56.560
especially coming off of certain things.

547
00:42:56.560 --> 00:43:01.080
Like it's like, really, can you just not just be better?

548
00:43:01.080 --> 00:43:03.400
Like if how long does it really have to take?

549
00:43:03.400 --> 00:43:06.920
How much time a day do you need, you know

550
00:43:06.920 --> 00:43:08.660
in worship and in his presence?

551
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:12.880
But I really feel like I long for that, which is a good thing

552
00:43:12.880 --> 00:43:15.880
and I've been spoiled, which is a good thing too

553
00:43:16.640 --> 00:43:19.080
with COVID having more of that time to spend with him

554
00:43:19.080 --> 00:43:22.600
and just really having a hard time now

555
00:43:22.600 --> 00:43:24.160
dividing any of that, because I feel like

556
00:43:24.160 --> 00:43:27.800
there's basically time for, before I could be alone

557
00:43:27.800 --> 00:43:31.400
with him a lot and take care of my girls

558
00:43:32.600 --> 00:43:35.440
and work part-time and then still have time left over

559
00:43:35.440 --> 00:43:38.240
for other, you know, relationships and enjoyable

560
00:43:38.240 --> 00:43:40.200
like things I wanted to do.

561
00:43:41.360 --> 00:43:44.600
And I'm very much relational, highly relational.

562
00:43:44.600 --> 00:43:46.760
So, you know, a lot of that is in the form of connecting.

563
00:43:46.760 --> 00:43:49.600
And then now it's like, I have time to work.

564
00:43:49.600 --> 00:43:53.280
Like I barely have energy to feel like I'm all there

565
00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:55.320
and that's difficult.

566
00:43:55.320 --> 00:43:57.040
Like I want to stop drinking caffeine

567
00:43:57.040 --> 00:43:59.240
because I feel like I'm just living off of

568
00:44:00.380 --> 00:44:01.520
coffee in some ways.

569
00:44:01.520 --> 00:44:03.120
And I know that's not good for my adrenals.

570
00:44:03.120 --> 00:44:06.040
And I'm like this health nut that, you know, is sort of

571
00:44:06.920 --> 00:44:08.560
I know I have to make that switch

572
00:44:08.560 --> 00:44:10.040
cause it's going to tap out your adrenals.

573
00:44:10.040 --> 00:44:11.640
If you, you know, I don't drink a ton of coffee

574
00:44:11.640 --> 00:44:14.080
but just even to have that every day

575
00:44:14.560 --> 00:44:15.920
when I'm struggling with fatigue isn't helping

576
00:44:15.920 --> 00:44:18.520
it's probably just going to make it worse.

577
00:44:18.520 --> 00:44:21.360
And so I'm trying to move toward tea

578
00:44:21.360 --> 00:44:25.560
that's not caffeinated and like apple cider vinegar

579
00:44:25.560 --> 00:44:26.640
and things like that to drink.

580
00:44:26.640 --> 00:44:29.320
But just feeling like I'm just like, oh my gosh

581
00:44:29.320 --> 00:44:32.120
like life is like, oh, I have to go to work.

582
00:44:32.120 --> 00:44:33.440
Like, it's not that bad.

583
00:44:33.440 --> 00:44:35.640
It's just why?

584
00:44:35.640 --> 00:44:38.280
Like, I'm like, I'm trying to pick my foot up

585
00:44:38.280 --> 00:44:42.960
and like move my, like my legs to get, you know, out.

586
00:44:42.960 --> 00:44:45.080
It's not because my job's so terrible.

587
00:44:45.080 --> 00:44:46.720
I just don't, I just don't know.

588
00:44:46.720 --> 00:44:47.680
I just don't care.

589
00:44:47.680 --> 00:44:48.520
I'm tired.

590
00:44:48.520 --> 00:44:49.680
You know what I mean?

591
00:44:49.680 --> 00:44:50.720
Yeah.

592
00:44:50.720 --> 00:44:51.800
Yeah.

593
00:44:51.800 --> 00:44:53.520
I'm just, it's not my thing.

594
00:44:53.520 --> 00:44:55.560
It's, it's, it's, I enjoy it.

595
00:44:55.560 --> 00:44:58.000
Cause I love, you know, holistic health and all that.

596
00:44:58.000 --> 00:44:59.160
So it's not bad.

597
00:44:59.160 --> 00:45:00.200
And I'm thankful for.

598
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:02.880
again, the provision and it's like, you should be more thankful.

599
00:45:02.880 --> 00:45:06.960
Like God gave you this job so that you can provide, but honestly, actually,

600
00:45:06.960 --> 00:45:13.400
when you are so exhausted that you don't know, like you, you just feel like

601
00:45:13.400 --> 00:45:17.040
you're, you're like, even I just struggle to get up in the morning.

602
00:45:17.040 --> 00:45:19.640
Like I, I struggle to get up in the morning, get going.

603
00:45:20.480 --> 00:45:24.640
Um, It feels like the end of the day comes so quick and then I need

604
00:45:24.640 --> 00:45:26.160
to go to bed and do it all over.

605
00:45:26.160 --> 00:45:29.320
It's kind of feels like that because of the level of exhaustion.

606
00:45:29.840 --> 00:45:37.240
And I just don't feel, I feel kind of guilty because I want to be all there

607
00:45:37.240 --> 00:45:41.960
for my employers, but I know in my heart that I'm not, um, do you know what I mean?

608
00:45:41.960 --> 00:45:47.040
And then I'm frustrated with that fact because I know I'm capable of a lot, but

609
00:45:47.040 --> 00:45:53.320
right now, like, is it okay that I'm sort of sliding by, because it's truly all

610
00:45:53.360 --> 00:45:58.800
that I can do, like all that I can muster is just to be their front desk girl and

611
00:45:58.800 --> 00:46:02.080
do some like marketing stuff and be really friendly and good with patients.

612
00:46:02.080 --> 00:46:07.680
Like, I just, I know that I could soar, but it's not where my heart is.

613
00:46:07.680 --> 00:46:09.600
And I don't have the energy right now.

614
00:46:09.600 --> 00:46:13.440
And then I go, God, is there going to be a time when, can you actually

615
00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:18.440
restore my energy after dealing with chronic pain and chronic fatigue

616
00:46:18.440 --> 00:46:23.520
and these things that are common, you know, physical symptoms of trauma and

617
00:46:23.520 --> 00:46:26.720
things, um, that often go along with them, like headaches and just different things.

618
00:46:27.000 --> 00:46:29.760
It's like, can you actually like fix my body?

619
00:46:30.680 --> 00:46:32.040
Like, am I too far gone?

620
00:46:32.040 --> 00:46:32.880
I'm only 30.

621
00:46:32.920 --> 00:46:34.040
I just turned 36.

622
00:46:34.040 --> 00:46:36.840
Like is, can he do that?

623
00:46:36.880 --> 00:46:38.360
I mean, I know he can do anything.

624
00:46:38.560 --> 00:46:43.040
I'm just saying I've not, not dealt with energy issues, you know, the, the pain

625
00:46:43.040 --> 00:46:46.600
and the fatigue and things like that in the past, so there's this part of me

626
00:46:46.600 --> 00:46:50.800
that's like, man, to do all the things that I feel led to do and called to do in

627
00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:56.880
this life, like you would have to give me a different, like, like a body overhaul.

628
00:46:57.480 --> 00:46:57.960
You know what I mean?

629
00:46:57.960 --> 00:47:01.240
Like an energy at the very least that I haven't known.

630
00:47:01.920 --> 00:47:06.800
And that can come, I would think it can come emotionally, spiritually,

631
00:47:06.800 --> 00:47:10.680
physically, like all together that he can do that.

632
00:47:10.720 --> 00:47:15.280
But typically when you look at people who struggle with the amount of like pain

633
00:47:15.280 --> 00:47:24.920
and headaches and fatigue that I do, you know, they're old, they're a lot older.

634
00:47:25.280 --> 00:47:26.400
They're a lot older, you know?

635
00:47:26.440 --> 00:47:28.960
And so it makes me, it's unsettling.

636
00:47:28.960 --> 00:47:32.400
Like, I'm just sharing part of the anxiety and fear that can come when you deal with

637
00:47:32.400 --> 00:47:34.320
chronic pain and autoimmune issues and stuff.

638
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:39.200
It's just like, like, am I going to be able to function to do the things that I

639
00:47:39.200 --> 00:47:44.720
want to do because I have so much like within me, but I, I would have to like

640
00:47:44.720 --> 00:47:51.040
have healing to carry it out, to have energy to, to carry it out.

641
00:47:51.080 --> 00:47:57.360
And yeah, so it just feels a bit like I come to him in this, just kind of in a

642
00:47:57.360 --> 00:48:04.680
heap and a puddle of, you know, a mess of exhaustion and tiredness and physical,

643
00:48:04.680 --> 00:48:06.760
like pain and depletion and all these things.

644
00:48:06.760 --> 00:48:12.520
And yet I have all this joy in him too, which feels funny because it almost feels

645
00:48:12.520 --> 00:48:16.880
like they need to match, you know, like how I'm feeling physically.

646
00:48:17.760 --> 00:48:19.280
It's easy for that to go.

647
00:48:19.280 --> 00:48:23.720
Well, if I just say everything is great because I have all this joy of the Lord,

648
00:48:23.720 --> 00:48:26.800
then I'm not being totally real and honest and authentic.

649
00:48:27.360 --> 00:48:30.200
And yet just because I'm struggling with these things doesn't mean that I'm not

650
00:48:30.200 --> 00:48:32.760
encouraged in him and that I don't have the joy of the Lord, you know?

651
00:48:34.960 --> 00:48:36.120
So, yeah.

652
00:48:37.560 --> 00:48:38.320
I'm sorry.

653
00:48:38.360 --> 00:48:44.320
Um, uh, I know that it's, um, it can be very disheartening, you know, being where

654
00:48:44.320 --> 00:48:50.120
you are, I've been there, I have, and we were just like, you know what, I feel like

655
00:48:50.120 --> 00:48:54.840
I shouldn't be able to, I feel like I shouldn't complain, but I want to,

656
00:48:55.840 --> 00:48:59.760
because everything the Lord's given me is, is, you know, it's good.

657
00:48:59.800 --> 00:49:04.720
I don't, my job's not bad, but, and I'm not talking about the job I have now,

658
00:49:04.720 --> 00:49:07.480
I'm not talking about what I do now, I'm talking about what I've done in the past.

659
00:49:07.520 --> 00:49:12.240
Well, it's not bad, but I just, I'm just not motivated.

660
00:49:12.240 --> 00:49:14.160
It's just not what I want to do long-term.

661
00:49:14.160 --> 00:49:19.240
It's just, or it won't let me do what exactly it is that I want to do or, or

662
00:49:19.240 --> 00:49:22.200
whatever, and, and I really struggled with all of that.

663
00:49:22.200 --> 00:49:33.360
Um, and, um, uh, so what I would recommend to you is that there's this struggle of

664
00:49:33.520 --> 00:49:41.840
feeling that whatever it is that you're doing is not allowing you to do and be

665
00:49:42.200 --> 00:49:49.480
who you actually are and what the Lord's placed in you and that, and what can

666
00:49:49.480 --> 00:49:57.120
happen is we can start to attach this, um, you know, this vision that the Lord

667
00:49:57.120 --> 00:49:59.520
has given us of what he's called.

668
00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:07.120
going to call it what he's calling us into, and the timing on that we don't know, oftentimes.

669
00:50:07.120 --> 00:50:11.440
And we can just get frustrated, kind of like, like a horse chomping at the bit of like,

670
00:50:11.440 --> 00:50:13.440
okay, but Lord, why can't I do it now?

671
00:50:13.440 --> 00:50:17.680
If that's what you're calling me to do, if that's my destiny, you know, whatever term

672
00:50:17.680 --> 00:50:22.240
we want to add to it, like the Lord, I'm not happy where I am.

673
00:50:22.240 --> 00:50:29.560
And what we don't understand what we what we rob ourselves of is the understanding that

674
00:50:29.560 --> 00:50:33.800
regardless of what it is that we're doing, we're still us.

675
00:50:33.800 --> 00:50:40.000
It's not the thing that we're doing, including, including stepping into that vision, that's

676
00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.020
going to be the thing that changes the world.

677
00:50:44.020 --> 00:50:45.960
And that has the impact.

678
00:50:45.960 --> 00:50:47.720
It's us.

679
00:50:47.720 --> 00:50:52.080
So it's us that makes that vision come to life.

680
00:50:52.080 --> 00:50:57.040
Because that vision, meaning that, and I don't mean the vision, I mean, like, where the vision

681
00:50:57.040 --> 00:51:01.160
becomes reality, and we actually start doing the thing, and we're in it, but right now,

682
00:51:01.160 --> 00:51:02.160
we're not in it.

683
00:51:02.160 --> 00:51:03.160
And that's why I keep calling it a vision.

684
00:51:03.160 --> 00:51:05.920
Whatever it is, this picture of the Lord has given us, you know, when we step actually

685
00:51:05.920 --> 00:51:12.440
into the thing, it's not the thing that is actually that thing itself in the events and

686
00:51:12.440 --> 00:51:17.880
the business or the ministry, or whatever it is, you know, that the human, the human

687
00:51:17.880 --> 00:51:22.760
trafficking and all the people that are that are saved out of it, and whatever.

688
00:51:22.760 --> 00:51:29.600
It's not the organization, the institution, the ministry, whatever, that is, that is changing

689
00:51:29.600 --> 00:51:30.600
the world.

690
00:51:30.600 --> 00:51:39.040
And it's, and is breathing life, it's us, that is actually the life source for that

691
00:51:39.040 --> 00:51:40.040
thing.

692
00:51:40.200 --> 00:51:45.680
And so we had, and we're always with us 24 seven.

693
00:51:45.680 --> 00:51:52.600
So if God said, if God says, yeah, that's that this is how I'm, this is where I want

694
00:51:52.600 --> 00:51:56.800
your life source to flow through.

695
00:51:56.800 --> 00:52:02.680
This is the mechanism I'm revealing to you, through which your life, the life source that

696
00:52:02.680 --> 00:52:08.280
you are is going to flow through, know that you still have that life source now.

697
00:52:08.280 --> 00:52:12.120
And it's meant to flow through wherever it is that you currently are.

698
00:52:12.120 --> 00:52:20.680
So the Lord wants you us to know that we have not just permission, but his intention that

699
00:52:20.680 --> 00:52:26.240
we act as a life giving spirit and as the life source wherever it is that we are.

700
00:52:26.240 --> 00:52:30.000
So we have permission to be us now.

701
00:52:31.000 --> 00:52:40.800
So, and, and so it's not that, that it's not that God's just like, okay, well, I'm, I just,

702
00:52:40.800 --> 00:52:43.400
you know, I'm denying you the other for a while.

703
00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:48.600
And I want you to be learned to be happy in this very unhappy place.

704
00:52:48.600 --> 00:52:49.600
That's not it.

705
00:52:49.600 --> 00:52:55.600
God's just like, no, no, you are you, regardless of wherever it is you are, and you have not

706
00:52:55.600 --> 00:53:04.080
only the permission, but the intention, my intention that you are, that you are who I've

707
00:53:04.080 --> 00:53:09.680
created you to be, because wherever it is that I've placed you, it needed you.

708
00:53:09.680 --> 00:53:11.680
It needs your life giving spirit.

709
00:53:11.680 --> 00:53:15.280
It needs who it is that I created you to be.

710
00:53:15.280 --> 00:53:20.440
And I'm just showing you eventually what it's going to at some point, you know, where it's

711
00:53:20.440 --> 00:53:27.640
going to flow through, but I want you to, to opt because the, because the freedom in

712
00:53:27.640 --> 00:53:30.040
life is not the thing that we do.

713
00:53:30.040 --> 00:53:33.640
The freedom in life is our freedom to be ourselves.

714
00:53:33.640 --> 00:53:38.240
And we have permission to be that at any point at any time.

715
00:53:38.240 --> 00:53:42.240
And that is our purpose on the earth.

716
00:53:42.240 --> 00:53:43.840
So does that make sense?

717
00:53:43.840 --> 00:53:49.240
So, so understand that really is what our heart is longing for.

718
00:53:49.440 --> 00:53:55.640
We've just often attributed it to a vision that God's given us thinking, oh, that's finally

719
00:53:55.640 --> 00:53:56.040
me.

720
00:53:56.040 --> 00:54:02.240
When I finally get there, then I'll be her like, and I, yeah, it was like story and joked

721
00:54:02.240 --> 00:54:02.640
about it.

722
00:54:02.640 --> 00:54:05.440
So it's funny you're sharing it because it's so makes sense.

723
00:54:05.440 --> 00:54:10.040
Because I've said, you know, it was a couple of years ago, there was this kind of revelation

724
00:54:10.040 --> 00:54:14.840
and a conversation I was having where it was like, you, you realize that you're already

725
00:54:14.840 --> 00:54:18.640
her, like the person that you're describing, you're talking about, like you're, you're

726
00:54:18.640 --> 00:54:19.040
her.

727
00:54:19.040 --> 00:54:23.640
And literally I, there's this crazy light bulb moment of yeah.

728
00:54:23.640 --> 00:54:30.640
I am because for so long and as a, as a visionary, you can project, you know, into the future

729
00:54:30.640 --> 00:54:35.840
like when I can be like this and then I'll be her, but you're like, no, you're her right

730
00:54:35.840 --> 00:54:36.040
now.

731
00:54:36.040 --> 00:54:37.440
That's so good.

732
00:54:37.440 --> 00:54:38.840
Exactly.

733
00:54:38.840 --> 00:54:39.440
Okay.

734
00:54:39.440 --> 00:54:41.740
And so, and that's what it is.

735
00:54:41.740 --> 00:54:47.140
Our heart is longing for our heart is longing for us to be the thing to be ourselves.

736
00:54:47.140 --> 00:54:51.940
As you say, the freedom to be ourselves is what, yeah, we have the freedom to be ours

737
00:54:51.940 --> 00:54:59.140
and the permission to be ourselves now, meaning a life giving spirit where we are the life

738
00:54:59.140 --> 00:54:59.940
source of.

739
00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:08.400
the world around us. We're not subject to or victimized by the events around us, the people

740
00:55:08.400 --> 00:55:17.520
around us. We are the thing that brings it life. If we are not bringing it life and we allow it to

741
00:55:17.520 --> 00:55:28.080
be the source of the moment, the event, the situation in which we're in. If we are not being

742
00:55:28.080 --> 00:55:32.640
the life source, we're allowing it to be the source and it can bring nothing but death.

743
00:55:33.200 --> 00:55:42.000
So we're subjecting ourselves willingly to the events around us being driven by a source

744
00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:49.360
of death. So, I mean, why would we want to do that? So it's not even just that, oh,

745
00:55:49.360 --> 00:55:54.160
it's not even just like those, the way that the movies talk about, oh, you just be yourself or

746
00:55:54.160 --> 00:56:05.600
whatever. It's more than that. That's the intention. God's intention is never to hold

747
00:56:05.600 --> 00:56:18.160
off on being ourselves. What God does have us hold off on, so to speak, is he always intends

748
00:56:18.160 --> 00:56:23.920
for us to operate in the degree of our life giving spirit that we have grown up into.

749
00:56:24.960 --> 00:56:32.560
But the good thing is that whatever we've grown up into, like that mantle, you remember me talking

750
00:56:32.560 --> 00:56:37.760
about the mantle that when you're four years old, you're only carrying a certain amount. The whole

751
00:56:37.760 --> 00:56:42.560
thing is given to you, but the only amount that you're carrying is from the shoulder down to the

752
00:56:42.560 --> 00:56:47.280
ground and the rest of it, the ground's carrying. So, and then as we get older, so the only thing

753
00:56:47.280 --> 00:56:52.000
that we are, that the life giving spirit that we are called to operate in, because we're always

754
00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:56.800
called to operate as life giving spirit, but the degree to which we're called to operate is only

755
00:56:56.800 --> 00:57:02.480
in the amount from our shoulders down to the ground. The whole thing is ours. We just haven't

756
00:57:02.480 --> 00:57:08.560
grown up into it, but here's, and we can get discouraged and frustrated by that, but here's

757
00:57:08.560 --> 00:57:15.600
the thing. We don't know how to operate in the rest of it, and we don't, and in not knowing

758
00:57:15.600 --> 00:57:21.040
how to operate in the rest of it, it will be destructive for us to start operating in something

759
00:57:21.040 --> 00:57:26.800
that we don't understand because there's a responsibility that comes with it. And then we'd

760
00:57:26.800 --> 00:57:34.560
fail, huh? Then we would fail because we don't know how, and then we're not like crap. Yeah, we're not strong

761
00:57:34.560 --> 00:57:42.080
enough, so to speak. We're not built, you know, our weight can't handle the weight of it yet.

762
00:57:42.880 --> 00:57:51.040
So, anyway, but we always have not just the in permission, like, oh, well, you can if you want to,

763
00:57:51.040 --> 00:57:59.520
but actually God's intention that we operate as ourselves and that we give, that we give out of

764
00:57:59.520 --> 00:58:07.040
ourselves, and because he's saying the situations that I place you in, it needed you, it needed your

765
00:58:07.040 --> 00:58:12.960
spirit, and it needs you to bring life to it. Those people need you to bring life to them according to

766
00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:19.680
the degree to which you've grown up into your life-giving spirit and the amount of which you're,

767
00:58:19.680 --> 00:58:27.280
you know, how to operate, and the clients and the office around you, like literally the physical

768
00:58:27.280 --> 00:58:31.760
environment is crying out, you know, because it says that creation is crying out for revelation

769
00:58:31.760 --> 00:58:39.920
in the sense of man, including physical objects, you know, trees, plants, whatever, paper, pens.

770
00:58:39.920 --> 00:58:47.600
I mean, we can, because all of that is energy. All of that is wave and particle. It's all been

771
00:58:47.600 --> 00:58:55.280
created off, it originated in heaven as a living word manifested into the soul realm

772
00:58:55.280 --> 00:59:02.880
as wave, and then in quantum mechanics and all of that, and then became, and wave becomes

773
00:59:02.880 --> 00:59:08.480
particle, and it manifested as a pen, or it manifested as whatever. Now, obviously, you know,

774
00:59:08.480 --> 00:59:13.600
you know what I'm talking about, you know, molecules, which then mankind took and

775
00:59:13.600 --> 00:59:20.400
formulated into molecular structure, etc. My point is that all of it originated this word, and word

776
00:59:20.480 --> 00:59:29.040
is meant to respond to the thing out of which it originated, which is God, and we're in God.

777
00:59:29.040 --> 00:59:36.000
So therefore, because we're in the source that it came from, it living word is meant to respond

778
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:41.920
to us and serve us, but it can't if we're not presenting ourselves, and if we're allowing

779
00:59:41.920 --> 00:59:49.520
ourselves to be subject to it, it wasn't created to bear that responsibility. So my point is,

780
00:59:49.520 --> 00:59:53.920
in saying all this, is as an encouragement that it's not just permission, like, oh, we have

781
00:59:53.920 --> 00:59:59.840
permission. It's like, no, no, no. God is desirous of us to step in.

782
01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.720
to it. He's that much for us. He's that much of our cheerleader.

783
01:00:05.240 --> 01:00:09.480
Wouldn't you like to, as opposed to why you can't, if you want.

784
01:00:09.480 --> 01:00:12.720
And then as we kind of like, well, no, you know, I don't know if I feel

785
01:00:12.720 --> 01:00:15.480
confident. I don't know if I feel comfortable. It gives us more

786
01:00:15.480 --> 01:00:19.520
confidence knowing now that's God's intention. He's just like, no, no,

787
01:00:19.520 --> 01:00:23.880
that's why I put you there because you're needed. Not needed is in a

788
01:00:23.880 --> 01:00:28.120
burden, but like needed to stand like you have what it needs. We all

789
01:00:28.120 --> 01:00:31.320
like to feel like we have a contribution and that we have the

790
01:00:31.320 --> 01:00:38.120
exact thing. We have the, the exact. Our frequency matches the exact

791
01:00:38.120 --> 01:00:44.360
frequency that it was meant to need. It's a match. And if we're not

792
01:00:44.360 --> 01:00:48.600
sending out that frequency, then it can't, it doesn't have what it

793
01:00:48.600 --> 01:00:52.720
needs and it's crying out. So anyway, I think I thought for a long

794
01:00:52.720 --> 01:00:55.920
time, like as you were sharing that, I realized, you know, I almost

795
01:00:56.240 --> 01:01:01.080
I'm flipping on my light in here. Cause I had to plug in. I was

796
01:01:01.880 --> 01:01:09.160
thinking of like the things that are manmade, I guess. Versus, you

797
01:01:09.160 --> 01:01:14.440
know, nature things that God made food and I don't know, just the,

798
01:01:14.560 --> 01:01:18.520
the things that like paper. And I mean, I know that came from trees,

799
01:01:18.520 --> 01:01:20.920
so I guess that's not the best example, but you know, like things

800
01:01:20.920 --> 01:01:29.080
that man built or made that I didn't think of those as, you know, I

801
01:01:29.080 --> 01:01:34.000
guess I know their energy, but like, as, as being included. So just

802
01:01:34.000 --> 01:01:34.200
to say,

803
01:01:34.680 --> 01:01:38.600
because they're all created from living word as well. And it is,

804
01:01:38.640 --> 01:01:43.360
there are ways in which mankind shows to partner with the Lord by

805
01:01:43.360 --> 01:01:49.000
creating something. God created man to be creative and man creatively

806
01:01:49.000 --> 01:01:53.800
designed to pen creatively designed, you know, whatever. And it's as

807
01:01:53.800 --> 01:01:57.560
partnering with the Lord as his sons looking like him coming up with

808
01:01:57.560 --> 01:02:02.880
really fascinating and interesting ideas. And, and yes, the Lord guides

809
01:02:02.880 --> 01:02:05.840
us in all of those things. I'm not trying to say that man needs to take

810
01:02:05.840 --> 01:02:09.320
credit. I'm saying that is his way in which he's partnering with the Lord.

811
01:02:09.760 --> 01:02:14.840
His father's a creator so that his sons are learning to be creators, you

812
01:02:14.840 --> 01:02:18.320
know, and eventually we're going to create much bigger, better things.

813
01:02:18.960 --> 01:02:21.760
Personally, I believe like out in the universe and all that good stuff.

814
01:02:22.040 --> 01:02:23.520
And right now we're starting with pens.

815
01:02:26.120 --> 01:02:26.600
Starting with

816
01:02:28.400 --> 01:02:29.280
like little kids.

817
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:34.400
Yeah, we're starting out with little things. And we're all real proud of

818
01:02:34.400 --> 01:02:37.400
ourselves. Like that's like, you're doing a good job.

819
01:02:37.400 --> 01:02:42.400
It's really sweet. But anyway, I mean, we can see so much of his

820
01:02:42.400 --> 01:02:46.680
interaction with us based off of how he created parents and children to

821
01:02:46.680 --> 01:02:51.760
interact. And he's like, okay, so I'll give you a visible picture. It's like

822
01:02:51.760 --> 01:02:55.600
this is how yours and my relationship are. And eventually you grow up into

823
01:02:55.600 --> 01:03:03.240
an adult, where we have where we, where we can meet a bit more peer to

824
01:03:03.240 --> 01:03:08.480
peer contribution and discussion. Now, God always has the preeminence,

825
01:03:08.480 --> 01:03:12.680
obviously, but he's the one who pictured in a parent child relationship,

826
01:03:12.920 --> 01:03:16.840
the fact that apparently we mature to the point where there's a, there's a

827
01:03:16.880 --> 01:03:22.160
higher, that there's, there's a greater weight that our half of the

828
01:03:22.160 --> 01:03:27.600
conversation bears in the conversation. Anyway, he's growing up. And so

829
01:03:27.760 --> 01:03:30.840
anyway, that's one thing that I wanted to say. And before I say the other

830
01:03:30.840 --> 01:03:35.760
thing, was there anything else that you wanted to me to talk about or address

831
01:03:35.760 --> 01:03:40.840
related to how it is that you're feeling right now at work? Because I, I

832
01:03:40.840 --> 01:03:44.000
understand I absolutely do because I've lived it. And quite honestly, it's

833
01:03:44.000 --> 01:03:51.600
miserable. And because I've been in places where I don't feel like I'm

834
01:03:51.600 --> 01:03:59.000
miserable. And because I've been in places where I didn't in places with

835
01:03:59.040 --> 01:04:03.720
with work, where I didn't, I was not motivated, but I felt like I couldn't

836
01:04:03.720 --> 01:04:09.520
complain. And then there were other times where I was, I was just sick of

837
01:04:09.520 --> 01:04:14.480
it. I was just like, I want out of here. I can't I can't stand it. And so I

838
01:04:14.480 --> 01:04:19.400
definitely know and I definitely understand. But I did notice that the

839
01:04:19.400 --> 01:04:29.040
Lord generally would not move me from where I was, until I until I saw and,

840
01:04:29.160 --> 01:04:35.320
and chose to step into who he wanted to be through me in this situation. And

841
01:04:35.320 --> 01:04:42.040
once I finally let go, and once I finally let go, things would shift and

842
01:04:42.040 --> 01:04:45.280
things would change. And he moved me on. Sometimes it would be within a few

843
01:04:45.280 --> 01:04:50.680
months. And other times it would be a lot faster than that. But it was pretty

844
01:04:50.680 --> 01:04:57.320
interesting how I would just fight him and fight him. And you've called me to

845
01:04:57.320 --> 01:04:59.960
something different. You've called me to something that I would

846
01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:07.000
or I knew that he was going to think I should take care of myself and I didn't.

847
01:05:07.000 --> 01:05:08.000
He didn't recognize that.

848
01:05:08.000 --> 01:05:09.000
You know,

849
01:05:09.000 --> 01:05:13.000
all those things that I used to term as greater than all kinds of

850
01:05:13.000 --> 01:05:16.000
stuff. And, oh, I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself.

851
01:05:16.000 --> 01:05:18.000
And he.

852
01:05:18.000 --> 01:05:21.000
And I knew I finally got to the point where I was in that situation so

853
01:05:21.000 --> 01:05:22.000
many times.

854
01:05:22.000 --> 01:05:23.000
I finally came to recognize it.

855
01:05:23.000 --> 01:05:26.000
I'd be in a situation again in a new business.

856
01:05:26.000 --> 01:05:28.000
And I kept, oh, I'm ready to move on. Loren.

857
01:05:29.000 --> 01:05:31.000
Again, I was like, oh my gosh, not this again.

858
01:05:31.000 --> 01:05:35.000
No.

859
01:05:35.000 --> 01:05:37.000
And I know full well what God had said,

860
01:05:37.000 --> 01:05:38.000
like God wants for me.

861
01:05:38.000 --> 01:05:40.000
That he wants me to let go.

862
01:05:40.000 --> 01:05:42.000
And release myself.

863
01:05:42.000 --> 01:05:46.000
In the situation in.

864
01:05:46.000 --> 01:05:47.000
And B who.

865
01:05:47.000 --> 01:05:49.000
B in the situation.

866
01:05:49.000 --> 01:05:54.000
And, and contribute intentionally.

867
01:05:54.000 --> 01:05:55.000
As a life giving spirit,

868
01:05:55.000 --> 01:05:59.000
I'm going to let go.

869
01:05:59.000 --> 01:06:01.000
Will he, will he move me out?

870
01:06:01.000 --> 01:06:02.000
So good.

871
01:06:02.000 --> 01:06:05.000
Oh, that's really good.

872
01:06:05.000 --> 01:06:06.000
Anything else about that before I talk about the other.

873
01:06:06.000 --> 01:06:10.000
Yeah.

874
01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:12.000
Yeah. I said, I definitely like took notes in my journal.

875
01:06:12.000 --> 01:06:13.000
So, so good.

876
01:06:13.000 --> 01:06:15.000
Yeah.

877
01:06:15.000 --> 01:06:19.000
I think the other, maybe the other.

878
01:06:19.000 --> 01:06:21.000
Piece or the next.

879
01:06:21.000 --> 01:06:23.000
The next part then is.

880
01:06:24.000 --> 01:06:29.000
Yeah.

881
01:06:29.000 --> 01:06:32.000
Finding peace in, in the season, which.

882
01:06:32.000 --> 01:06:35.000
Sounds very broad, but what I mean is.

883
01:06:35.000 --> 01:06:44.000
Hmm.

884
01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:48.000
Are you talking about related to the fact that you felt all of these

885
01:06:48.000 --> 01:06:50.000
things look like they're going towards this?

886
01:06:50.000 --> 01:06:53.000
Are you talking about the fact that you felt all of these things look

887
01:06:53.000 --> 01:06:54.000
like they're going towards this?

888
01:06:54.000 --> 01:06:55.000
Or is this different?

889
01:06:55.000 --> 01:06:58.000
Yeah, I think that that's included, but I think it's like the season of,

890
01:06:58.000 --> 01:07:00.000
like, there's this big part of me that embraces.

891
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:02.000
And sees that this is a necessary.

892
01:07:02.000 --> 01:07:05.000
Season and that this is a transitional season. This isn't,

893
01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:07.000
I know it's not my forever and.

894
01:07:07.000 --> 01:07:10.000
And that's, that's a good thing. Cause I mean,

895
01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:12.000
If I thought it was my forever, you know, that would be really,

896
01:07:12.000 --> 01:07:15.000
really miserable.

897
01:07:15.000 --> 01:07:20.000
I think it's like what I'm doing day to day while I'm in this season

898
01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:24.000
and kind of coming to that settled place of,

899
01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:29.000
and the conclusion of not that I have to pinpoint exactly what the

900
01:07:29.000 --> 01:07:31.000
season is about and exactly, you know,

901
01:07:31.000 --> 01:07:33.000
what I'm supposed to do or anything like that,

902
01:07:33.000 --> 01:07:38.000
like a structure that I have to follow to a T, but it's, it's, there's,

903
01:07:38.000 --> 01:07:42.000
there's a sense in which, because I was thrust into it and because.

904
01:07:42.000 --> 01:07:43.000
I was thrust into it.

905
01:07:43.000 --> 01:07:44.000
And I was thrust into it.

906
01:07:44.000 --> 01:07:48.000
And I was thrust into it because it, you know,

907
01:07:48.000 --> 01:07:54.000
it falls in with the same rest and reset.

908
01:07:54.000 --> 01:07:57.000
Theme that he gave me the summer.

909
01:07:57.000 --> 01:08:01.000
You know, it's like.

910
01:08:01.000 --> 01:08:11.000
I feel unsettled in the sense that.

911
01:08:12.000 --> 01:08:13.000
You know,

912
01:08:13.000 --> 01:08:17.000
I feel like I'm not expressing who I know myself to be because there's

913
01:08:17.000 --> 01:08:18.000
these different, you know,

914
01:08:18.000 --> 01:08:22.000
fears or shame or different things that have held me back for so long

915
01:08:22.000 --> 01:08:24.000
from just being myself.

916
01:08:24.000 --> 01:08:26.000
And part of it is the permission.

917
01:08:26.000 --> 01:08:29.000
To.

918
01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:33.000
Like let go of any and all expectations of,

919
01:08:33.000 --> 01:08:38.000
of people in the season of, of friendship, of, of my time.

920
01:08:38.000 --> 01:08:43.000
Of being connected or missing out potentially on things and sort of

921
01:08:43.000 --> 01:08:46.000
like settling into what it is because I, like, I embrace it.

922
01:08:46.000 --> 01:08:48.000
I receive it. I.

923
01:08:49.000 --> 01:08:52.000
I feel like there's, there's treasure and gold that I don't want to miss

924
01:08:52.000 --> 01:08:54.000
being discontent in this place.

925
01:08:54.000 --> 01:09:04.000
It's just that I haven't.

926
01:09:04.000 --> 01:09:06.000
Quite settled on it. And when it comes to things like.

927
01:09:06.000 --> 01:09:08.000
Being myself and expressing myself.

928
01:09:09.000 --> 01:09:12.000
I'm so frustrated because God has said for so long,

929
01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:14.000
like he keeps telling me, right? Like he's, he said it.

930
01:09:14.000 --> 01:09:17.000
So many times and increasingly, and he's, he just keeps saying, right.

931
01:09:17.000 --> 01:09:31.000
And yet.

932
01:09:31.000 --> 01:09:34.000
I don't write because I get so busy reading everyone else's stuff.

933
01:09:34.000 --> 01:09:36.000
And then I just ended up being like, well, they've already said it all.

934
01:09:37.000 --> 01:09:39.000
I'm just, I'm just trying to write because I'm trying to write.

935
01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:41.000
I'm trying to write because I'm trying to write.

936
01:09:41.000 --> 01:09:43.000
I'm trying to write because I'm trying to write.

937
01:09:43.000 --> 01:09:45.000
And I'm trying to write because I'm trying to write.

938
01:09:45.000 --> 01:09:46.000
So I'm like, okay.

939
01:09:46.000 --> 01:09:48.000
And he's like, but you're just trying to keep me a part of his life.

940
01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:50.000
And so maybe in him pulling me away from social media,

941
01:09:50.000 --> 01:09:51.000
this is an example.

942
01:09:51.000 --> 01:09:54.000
You know, a big piece of me being released.

943
01:09:54.000 --> 01:09:57.000
From trying to kind of keep up in that way.

944
01:09:57.000 --> 01:10:00.000
In the old way of where I was finding, you know, socialization,

945
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:01.000
finding.

946
01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:06.160
with him and realize that I can write for myself and just with the Lord that I don't have to write

947
01:10:01.000 --> 01:10:03.000
The creative outlet, things like that.

948
01:10:03.000 --> 01:10:05.000
And maybe it looks like just the permission to more.

949
01:10:06.160 --> 01:10:13.760
for anyone else like I don't have to write for social media or I don't have to um you know I

950
01:10:13.760 --> 01:10:18.960
don't have to show up on those platforms or fear that I'm missing something or fear that I'm going

951
01:10:18.960 --> 01:10:25.920
to be left behind the crowd you know what I mean like or that I'm going to miss it or I don't know

952
01:10:25.920 --> 01:10:30.800
I don't know what it is I don't know if I'm making sense I feel like I just want to come to this

953
01:10:30.800 --> 01:10:38.720
place of understanding I guess hearing maybe somebody else say that I trust and that I know

954
01:10:38.720 --> 01:10:49.440
is is wise that it's healthy and good to be alone and more of a season of rest or to be settled and

955
01:10:49.440 --> 01:10:56.160
have permission to not be so connected or not do all the things and maybe just do the things that I

956
01:10:56.160 --> 01:11:05.120
love with God and is that potentially where I'm going to really find what I'm looking for and

957
01:11:05.120 --> 01:11:12.000
feeling so restless in in people and relationships and activity and what's going on out there because

958
01:11:12.240 --> 01:11:19.440
I know I'm not going to wake up and you know in several months or emerge from this season of being

959
01:11:19.440 --> 01:11:27.040
more more you know disconnected from everybody and more alone with the Lord and just doing my thing

960
01:11:27.040 --> 01:11:36.480
and everyone's moved on without me you know like his plan and you know all these exciting things

961
01:11:36.480 --> 01:11:41.120
like that I'm not going to miss it but there's some part of me that needs to know that I'm not

962
01:11:41.440 --> 01:11:46.320
I'm not going to miss it but there's some part of me that needs to know that it's not

963
01:11:47.200 --> 01:11:54.400
unsuccessful if I'm quiet for a few months or if I'm more inward with the Lord for a few months like

964
01:11:54.400 --> 01:12:03.040
so that I can just embrace that few months as such. Yeah, so I'm sorry what's your question then?

965
01:12:03.040 --> 01:12:09.760
I don't know. Okay, okay hold on. I guess the question I like to try to summarize the question is

966
01:12:10.480 --> 01:12:16.560
and is there great can there be great purpose and joy and permission in that kind of season

967
01:12:17.360 --> 01:12:24.080
and is it true that that is there a way I guess that I can come to that place of peace

968
01:12:24.080 --> 01:12:27.920
and being settled in the season that I'm in instead of fighting against it?

969
01:12:29.280 --> 01:12:34.400
Yes and still express myself and not feel like I'm shoving stuff down because I think that I'm

970
01:12:34.400 --> 01:12:38.000
actually playing opposites a little bit with like the more that I try to be connected

971
01:12:38.640 --> 01:12:46.080
and and relationships and hearing people reading people's stuff or even getting my own you know

972
01:12:46.080 --> 01:12:51.200
thoughts out there or heart whatever you know the back and forth the more that I try to do that

973
01:12:51.200 --> 01:12:58.240
sometimes in the few hours that I have here and there the more exhausted and frustrated I feel

974
01:12:58.240 --> 01:13:03.920
that I'm not part of that. I feel like I'm just kind of dipping my toe in the water or I feel

975
01:13:03.920 --> 01:13:07.520
like I'm just kind of like creaking the door open before I have to shut it again. It feels very

976
01:13:08.160 --> 01:13:12.400
dissatisfying you know what I mean and and and it feels like I'm not part of it. I'm not really

977
01:13:13.360 --> 01:13:20.800
getting to the root of what I'm desiring and I think that that maybe if I just had permission to

978
01:13:21.760 --> 01:13:27.600
write with the Lord and read with the Lord and do the things alone I don't know what my problem is

979
01:13:27.600 --> 01:13:32.560
with like this whole connection thing or expectation or feeling like my identity somehow

980
01:13:32.560 --> 01:13:39.120
tied to others but I know that I'm a big community builder and that's a big part of my

981
01:13:39.120 --> 01:13:45.040
calling and it's like in the season because I have this like apostolic prophetic teaching thing

982
01:13:45.040 --> 01:13:51.920
going on where like the Lord's shown me that but right now it feels like that's being I'm sort of

983
01:13:51.920 --> 01:13:57.360
being tucked away you know under his wing to be more prepared for that outward those outward

984
01:13:57.360 --> 01:14:03.360
expressions and that maybe I can just embrace that as part of what it could mean to be apostolic

985
01:14:03.360 --> 01:14:08.720
and prophetic even if it doesn't look that way in this moment is are there preparation seasons

986
01:14:08.720 --> 01:14:14.960
like that like is it is there purpose in that that I can more fully embrace and

987
01:14:16.720 --> 01:14:21.280
have you gone through those seasons or seen how those have been essential seasons for

988
01:14:21.360 --> 01:14:27.520
to prepare for the next you know that are successful in their own way

989
01:14:29.280 --> 01:14:38.240
yeah and most of my life has been that season oh yeah so um and I mean it was such where um my my

990
01:14:38.240 --> 01:14:44.000
parents and would pray about it um to the Lord because she's just like Lord this is so hard for

991
01:14:44.160 --> 01:14:54.880
us to watch um why why is she why she's so hidden why she we can tell that you're purposely hiding

992
01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:59.840
her why she have to be so alone you know whatever and they they saw that it was just

993
01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:05.680
so obvious. They're just like, Lord, we don't want this for her. This is how it has to be.

994
01:15:05.680 --> 01:15:14.000
And so I've watched how the Lord has used that. And if we can't, so I say all that to

995
01:15:14.000 --> 01:15:21.280
say, you asked, have I ever been through that? So yes, I can absolutely relate. But I wanted

996
01:15:21.280 --> 01:15:32.160
to encourage you that if you, um, that if, um, I know what I'm trying to say, how, how

997
01:15:32.160 --> 01:15:35.760
do I say it? Cause I'm like, I keep, there's like five different angles. I'm like, I could

998
01:15:35.760 --> 01:15:41.520
come in from all these angles. Which one do I want to pick? Um, that, uh, that it's a,

999
01:15:41.520 --> 01:15:47.520
it's a very, very precious thing to be pulled away with the Lord. Um, where he's giving you,

1000
01:15:47.520 --> 01:15:58.160
um, he's given you the best environment for you to heal, for you to learn who it is that

1001
01:15:58.160 --> 01:16:04.720
you are. And for you to, you know, if this is what he's calling you into, I'm not declaring

1002
01:16:04.720 --> 01:16:10.080
something. I'm just saying that this is what it can be. Um, that, that, uh, you know, where

1003
01:16:10.080 --> 01:16:19.360
you can discover who it is that you are without the threat of being of the process and who it is

1004
01:16:19.360 --> 01:16:25.600
that you're discovering about yourself, that you might experiment in. You might discover things

1005
01:16:25.600 --> 01:16:30.160
about yourself or be presented to things. And you're just like, I was not expecting that.

1006
01:16:30.160 --> 01:16:37.440
And by being alone with the Lord, it gives you a safe place in which to discover it without you

1007
01:16:37.440 --> 01:16:50.960
having outside, um, opinions, uh, public eye that could taint or not appreciate

1008
01:16:53.280 --> 01:16:58.480
what it is that's coming out and being revealed because they don't understand it.

1009
01:16:58.480 --> 01:17:02.800
Yeah. It's I'm feeling that exact thing. Like I'm, I'm not seen, I'm not appreciated. They

1010
01:17:02.800 --> 01:17:07.120
don't understand. And so it just keeps kind of almost stifling me because I'm correct.

1011
01:17:07.120 --> 01:17:10.160
Oh my gosh. And even like my house church right now, the Lord's been,

1012
01:17:11.120 --> 01:17:16.480
I mean, it's really difficult because I found myself just trying to make these relationships

1013
01:17:16.480 --> 01:17:21.200
happen because I, I, my heart is so for unity and you know, in the body and I'm just thinking,

1014
01:17:21.200 --> 01:17:25.280
these are like my local people, but he keeps basically saying like, but these,

1015
01:17:25.280 --> 01:17:30.400
like, they don't see you, they don't appreciate you. And there was, I was feeling just so

1016
01:17:31.840 --> 01:17:36.400
just for a couple of days, the weight of this with a couple, cause I'm in a very small community

1017
01:17:36.400 --> 01:17:41.840
and there's a couple of women that are my age. And I'm like, I have relationships with women

1018
01:17:41.840 --> 01:17:49.040
all over like various States, even of other countries who value so much more, you know,

1019
01:17:49.040 --> 01:17:54.640
conversation or time, or even just the, you know, what the Lord's doing among us and how we're

1020
01:17:54.640 --> 01:18:00.480
connected in it. And like these women, just like, they just throw me away and even like bring up my

1021
01:18:00.560 --> 01:18:06.800
past and try to say like one of them, she, she basically told me one day, like she thought that

1022
01:18:06.800 --> 01:18:10.880
I was lying to her and it was totally out of the blue. And she was like, are you lying to me about

1023
01:18:10.880 --> 01:18:16.960
this? And it was about an ex boyfriend that I was actually really super honest with her about and

1024
01:18:16.960 --> 01:18:22.080
vulnerable. And I was like, what? No, I haven't, I haven't talked to him. I haven't seen him. I'm

1025
01:18:22.080 --> 01:18:26.720
just updating you, but no, like, I'm not lying. Why are you saying, you know, saying that? And

1026
01:18:26.720 --> 01:18:34.320
she basically said that it was that she had heard somehow gossip that to watch out kind of thing,

1027
01:18:34.320 --> 01:18:39.040
because somebody had heard a couple of things about me a few years ago during my divorce,

1028
01:18:39.040 --> 01:18:42.560
that I was like, not honest about what was going on. And it's like, but you don't know,

1029
01:18:43.360 --> 01:18:48.400
like, yes, that's true on some levels, but you don't know what it's like to be judged so harshly

1030
01:18:48.400 --> 01:18:52.560
and to not feel like you have anyone that's safe and to not feel like you could trust anyone

1031
01:18:52.560 --> 01:18:56.960
because your husband just put you on the street. Like you weren't, you didn't even know me then.

1032
01:18:56.960 --> 01:19:02.480
And, and isn't it all about like, we're new creations and, and like, look at all the,

1033
01:19:02.480 --> 01:19:08.240
that the Lord's done. And the point is that you can't see almost because, and, and I think this

1034
01:19:08.240 --> 01:19:13.280
is actually common in the body right now. Like it's okay, but there are certain people that

1035
01:19:13.280 --> 01:19:18.560
because they saw you or knew you before, they can't see the new thing. They can't

1036
01:19:19.280 --> 01:19:25.040
see and appreciate what the Lord's doing because they sort of have you in this box or they're just

1037
01:19:25.040 --> 01:19:30.000
not, you know, there's not an alignment. Like he loves them too. Like they're his children.

1038
01:19:30.560 --> 01:19:38.400
But, but for me to kind of understand, okay, it's possible that even though, yes, they love God.

1039
01:19:38.400 --> 01:19:44.160
Yes. They're his daughters too. Yes. You know, I believe they're spirit filled that they're not

1040
01:19:44.160 --> 01:19:48.320
necessarily the right alignments for me. And why do I continue to pursue the relationship?

1041
01:19:48.960 --> 01:19:56.400
When I get all of this kind of passive aggressive, like, you know, just sort of just never any

1042
01:19:56.400 --> 01:19:59.440
effort. And they're even, they're the, they're the ones that are 10 minutes down the road.

1043
01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:06.080
that are the only ones that are actually in town that you know you would think would want to

1044
01:20:07.040 --> 01:20:14.240
know you know know each other or have fellowship or anything like that and he's like just stop like

1045
01:20:14.240 --> 01:20:21.040
you're hating on yourself because of what these women how they treat you or value or don't value

1046
01:20:21.040 --> 01:20:25.840
you and just because they're down the road and they are in the body doesn't mean that they're

1047
01:20:25.840 --> 01:20:31.600
your people um which i think i don't know why that's so difficult sometimes to go but they're

1048
01:20:31.600 --> 01:20:37.600
in my house church like there's only 15 20 families you know wouldn't you think that i

1049
01:20:37.600 --> 01:20:44.240
would pursue them and i finally got to this point recently where i just was like i just don't feel

1050
01:20:45.280 --> 01:20:50.480
like i'm supposed to keep trying and being hurt over and over again so the point is going back

1051
01:20:50.480 --> 01:20:54.720
to what you were saying it was dead on with you know that feeling unappreciated and when you go

1052
01:20:55.840 --> 01:21:01.200
into social circles whether in person or online and people don't see it they don't get it they

1053
01:21:01.200 --> 01:21:10.400
don't you know appreciate or value it it just almost it almost it hurts and it lessens in some

1054
01:21:10.400 --> 01:21:17.760
ways the what he is doing you know underground and and what he has placed in you because

1055
01:21:17.920 --> 01:21:25.600
it's like begging for for attention from somebody that's just not gonna give it you know yeah and

1056
01:21:25.600 --> 01:21:33.120
and so think of it this way there are things about the lord that have not been seen on earth

1057
01:21:33.680 --> 01:21:41.840
and you're intended to display it so there are some people that can see it can see something

1058
01:21:42.000 --> 01:21:51.120
can see something new of the lord that can they can see it of god and can appreciate it

1059
01:21:51.120 --> 01:21:58.080
and then there are others that just can't see it and it's not for us to to judge them or condemn

1060
01:21:58.080 --> 01:22:02.400
them or anything for them not seeing things there are things about the lord and other people we just

1061
01:22:02.400 --> 01:22:10.080
don't see and appreciate you know so so you're um you're meant to put some things on display so

1062
01:22:10.080 --> 01:22:16.000
you're not going to be able to always find someone else who can relate and understand so

1063
01:22:16.000 --> 01:22:22.480
in being in pull being pulled away specifically by the lord he's going to desire to reveal to you

1064
01:22:22.480 --> 01:22:30.480
some very precious things about himself that are very intimate that he wants you to know and you

1065
01:22:30.480 --> 01:22:39.920
to express because he's put those things in you and um and he and he wants and by pulling away

1066
01:22:39.920 --> 01:22:48.960
by pulling you away um it provides you a place in which you can safely where he can kind of like a

1067
01:22:48.960 --> 01:22:55.760
man and a woman being in a bedroom where he can be vulnerable with you and and it's just something

1068
01:22:55.840 --> 01:23:05.600
with that the two of you can can know and you can kind of explore and a weird way to a weird word to

1069
01:23:05.600 --> 01:23:12.640
use in relationship to um learning about the lord but experiment with it because when you're

1070
01:23:12.640 --> 01:23:17.680
expressing these things and you're expressing who the two of you are together again like a man a

1071
01:23:17.680 --> 01:23:24.000
woman in bedroom if you're expressing who the two of you are who the two of you are when you are

1072
01:23:24.000 --> 01:23:32.960
together then um then you uh you know it's going to come out in how it is that you write the things

1073
01:23:32.960 --> 01:23:37.680
that you're going to discover about these feelings that you have and the ways that you're choosing to

1074
01:23:37.680 --> 01:23:42.640
express it and the different ways that you're writing or what prompts you to write or or

1075
01:23:42.640 --> 01:23:50.000
whatever in in just this interaction with the lord and it's very precious and it's not meant for that

1076
01:23:50.000 --> 01:24:04.080
that time of uh that that time of conception and and um what's the word uh uh gestation

1077
01:24:04.960 --> 01:24:13.280
is not meant to be public you know and it's and so it's a very very precious precious thing and

1078
01:24:13.280 --> 01:24:20.720
god wants to provide you with the optimum environment for you to learn where and and to

1079
01:24:20.720 --> 01:24:29.120
just and uh to express to learn things about him and to express things about yourself without you

1080
01:24:29.120 --> 01:24:39.440
constantly being threatened by um by outside opinions that can't see what god is the new

1081
01:24:39.520 --> 01:24:46.240
things that the lord is trying to that the lord wants you to be supple enough to receive from him

1082
01:24:49.920 --> 01:24:57.360
that's really good so know that just like he like i'm describing of him being vulnerable to you

1083
01:24:57.920 --> 01:24:59.920
in the secret place he

1084
01:25:00.000 --> 01:25:04.760
He wants to provide you with a perfect environment for you to be vulnerable with,

1085
01:25:05.520 --> 01:25:07.440
with him. And again,

1086
01:25:07.440 --> 01:25:11.440
to be supple enough that you're willing to

1087
01:25:11.440 --> 01:25:13.680
experiment and,

1088
01:25:15.560 --> 01:25:20.080
and just kind of figure things out

1089
01:25:20.560 --> 01:25:23.200
with the Lord in a safe place. Well, well,

1090
01:25:23.200 --> 01:25:27.200
I've never really tried it like this and I've never tried that. And, and,

1091
01:25:28.200 --> 01:25:29.240
and let's just kind of,

1092
01:25:29.240 --> 01:25:32.760
let's start writing and let's start going with this feeling and let's see where

1093
01:25:32.760 --> 01:25:35.440
this thing goes. And that's, I don't know, you know, whatever.

1094
01:25:35.880 --> 01:25:40.720
And you'll discover different things about yourself and you will expand your

1095
01:25:40.720 --> 01:25:45.040
boundaries exponentially in a very

1096
01:25:45.120 --> 01:25:47.560
intense way.

1097
01:25:48.840 --> 01:25:52.800
Because you won't have outside influences

1098
01:25:53.240 --> 01:25:55.720
that can, that,

1099
01:25:57.480 --> 01:26:00.040
there's a word that I'm looking for and I can't think of the word,

1100
01:26:00.400 --> 01:26:01.720
but it's an influence. It's a,

1101
01:26:01.720 --> 01:26:05.520
it's a voice that gets you to like doubt yourself or to,

1102
01:26:05.880 --> 01:26:09.600
or to look at it, look at something from a different angle or whatever.

1103
01:26:09.600 --> 01:26:12.200
And just like, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you.

1104
01:26:12.280 --> 01:26:15.760
Just look at it from your angle. God knows how you're going to receive it.

1105
01:26:16.200 --> 01:26:18.320
And, and anyway.

1106
01:26:19.880 --> 01:26:20.880
And so,

1107
01:26:20.880 --> 01:26:25.720
and an important thing that he wants to reveal to you during this time is that

1108
01:26:25.760 --> 01:26:27.600
you're not a problem and there's,

1109
01:26:27.680 --> 01:26:30.360
and there's not bad things in you that are coming out.

1110
01:26:30.720 --> 01:26:32.880
There are good things that you can trust.

1111
01:26:34.120 --> 01:26:38.280
And he needs you to, to be in a safe enough environment.

1112
01:26:38.280 --> 01:26:41.800
And he's providing you with a safe enough environment where you might,

1113
01:26:42.400 --> 01:26:46.880
might learn that you might feel safe enough to timidly

1114
01:26:47.200 --> 01:26:51.920
start climbing out of yourself and trusting yourself and

1115
01:26:51.920 --> 01:26:55.440
actually acting on it because no one but him can see.

1116
01:26:56.720 --> 01:26:57.760
You know?

1117
01:26:57.760 --> 01:26:59.760
Yeah. That makes me cry. It was really good.

1118
01:27:01.440 --> 01:27:04.480
Yeah. I think there has been like a lot of that for a long time.

1119
01:27:04.760 --> 01:27:08.200
This concern, you know, I mean,

1120
01:27:08.200 --> 01:27:11.080
what shame says is that there's something wrong, wrong with you.

1121
01:27:11.080 --> 01:27:15.560
And that I've struggled so much, you know, so much to trust myself, my,

1122
01:27:15.600 --> 01:27:19.080
my thoughts, my opinions, my decisions, my anything,

1123
01:27:19.080 --> 01:27:23.200
it was all questioned for so long. And I questioned it myself,

1124
01:27:23.240 --> 01:27:27.080
but other people as well, you know, including my husband.

1125
01:27:27.080 --> 01:27:30.040
So that makes a lot. Huh.

1126
01:27:31.040 --> 01:27:31.520
So it's like,

1127
01:27:31.520 --> 01:27:35.760
I'm not going to be missing out because there's no way to miss out on what he's

1128
01:27:35.760 --> 01:27:39.960
doing. And in fact, it's like opposites. If I trade this, you know,

1129
01:27:39.960 --> 01:27:43.240
and I let go of say, even the women that

1130
01:27:45.480 --> 01:27:49.640
have been connected to, to, you know, what God's been doing so far, like

1131
01:27:50.600 --> 01:27:55.480
those who, you know, still feel, feel connected and led together,

1132
01:27:55.480 --> 01:27:59.840
like later we'll, we'll be in those who,

1133
01:28:01.120 --> 01:28:05.440
you know, it's like letting go of all control of and expectations and outcomes,

1134
01:28:05.440 --> 01:28:10.280
basically. And trusting that. Yeah. I think that there are definitely

1135
01:28:12.880 --> 01:28:14.240
there's potential for loss,

1136
01:28:14.440 --> 01:28:18.200
but I think there's such a greater potential for gain, you know? Yeah.

1137
01:28:18.200 --> 01:28:20.760
Yeah. Even when it comes to like, well,

1138
01:28:20.760 --> 01:28:23.120
I've invested in these people and they've looked, you know,

1139
01:28:23.680 --> 01:28:28.600
toward our community and what we have in that connection.

1140
01:28:28.640 --> 01:28:32.800
But if, you know, they're all in the Lord, then they're, they're gonna,

1141
01:28:34.040 --> 01:28:35.280
they're going to be ready.

1142
01:28:35.280 --> 01:28:39.320
And we're all going to connect when we're supposed to again, or, or not.

1143
01:28:39.880 --> 01:28:43.240
This is probably the truer statement. And I mean,

1144
01:28:43.240 --> 01:28:47.600
even if there's less, or even if some fall away, I guess,

1145
01:28:48.800 --> 01:28:53.320
that's really not up to me, you know, to,

1146
01:28:53.640 --> 01:28:58.280
to like, I can't, I can't like, that's what I've been realizing. Like, I can't,

1147
01:28:58.720 --> 01:29:02.000
you know, I'm not in a season that I can keep up with everybody. And I, you know,

1148
01:29:02.080 --> 01:29:04.960
I've been okay with that, but I think it's just really the,

1149
01:29:05.960 --> 01:29:09.440
the implications of that, you know, to be fully okay with, okay,

1150
01:29:09.440 --> 01:29:13.000
whatever that looks like, he's got something better and I'm going to come out

1151
01:29:13.000 --> 01:29:17.120
better as he does this work in me. And I,

1152
01:29:17.200 --> 01:29:21.680
and I'm able to fully release and unleash. And so,

1153
01:29:22.360 --> 01:29:25.400
you know, when I do feel sort of

1154
01:29:27.960 --> 01:29:32.560
like I have permission to, to be more in community and

1155
01:29:32.560 --> 01:29:35.480
relationships again, you know, that's going to come through.

1156
01:29:35.480 --> 01:29:40.680
And I think those people will understand or they'll, they'll notice or see,

1157
01:29:40.680 --> 01:29:45.280
you know, the things that were there before, but better. Yeah. Yeah.

1158
01:29:45.280 --> 01:29:48.600
Not me, but the Lord through me, you know, yeah.

1159
01:29:48.840 --> 01:29:50.480
Instead of feeling like I might lose.

1160
01:29:52.040 --> 01:29:56.360
And God knows the true desires of our hearts. And in fact,

1161
01:29:56.360 --> 01:29:58.840
Carrie and I were talking about this the other day and

1162
01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:03.280
that the Lord does the true desires of our hearts.

1163
01:30:03.280 --> 01:30:05.320
And she wouldn't mind me sharing this part

1164
01:30:05.320 --> 01:30:06.400
because she's gonna,

1165
01:30:06.400 --> 01:30:09.760
she said that she's gonna post about it soon anyway.

1166
01:30:09.760 --> 01:30:13.160
That, you know, she was talking about desiring that house

1167
01:30:13.160 --> 01:30:16.000
and she's like, I do not understand why,

1168
01:30:17.840 --> 01:30:21.400
why the Lord, where everything lined up just perfect.

1169
01:30:21.400 --> 01:30:23.600
All of these miracles, one on top of the other,

1170
01:30:23.600 --> 01:30:26.760
just lining all up, but it didn't go through.

1171
01:30:26.760 --> 01:30:28.700
It was like, Lord, I don't understand.

1172
01:30:28.700 --> 01:30:30.120
There was miracle upon miracle,

1173
01:30:30.120 --> 01:30:32.860
just everything was just in time and, you know,

1174
01:30:32.860 --> 01:30:34.380
and it didn't come through.

1175
01:30:34.380 --> 01:30:36.780
And Lord, you didn't give me the desire of my heart,

1176
01:30:36.780 --> 01:30:38.100
you know, or whatever.

1177
01:30:38.100 --> 01:30:41.180
And now she looks back on it and she said,

1178
01:30:41.180 --> 01:30:42.820
she's gonna write a post about it soon.

1179
01:30:42.820 --> 01:30:44.700
She's now, she looks back on it and she's like,

1180
01:30:44.700 --> 01:30:47.260
oh my word, Ashley, she said, you're right.

1181
01:30:47.260 --> 01:30:51.580
God knows what the deep, true desires of our hearts are.

1182
01:30:51.580 --> 01:30:53.620
And that's what he's given us.

1183
01:30:53.620 --> 01:30:57.780
We think that the desire of our heart looks like this,

1184
01:30:57.780 --> 01:30:59.860
but it's actually not.

1185
01:30:59.860 --> 01:31:02.860
But at the time, because our vision is on it,

1186
01:31:02.860 --> 01:31:05.540
we think, why isn't God giving us this?

1187
01:31:05.540 --> 01:31:06.380
And God's like,

1188
01:31:06.380 --> 01:31:08.540
because that's not the true desire of your heart.

1189
01:31:08.540 --> 01:31:11.700
That's what you think will fulfill

1190
01:31:11.700 --> 01:31:13.780
this actual desire of your heart.

1191
01:31:13.780 --> 01:31:15.380
He's like, but I know what it actually is

1192
01:31:15.380 --> 01:31:16.660
and I know how to fulfill it.

1193
01:31:16.660 --> 01:31:19.780
And she's like, oh my word, Ashley, I see it now.

1194
01:31:21.100 --> 01:31:26.100
So my point is, you know, you talking about this

1195
01:31:27.100 --> 01:31:31.420
with them related to, you know, people

1196
01:31:31.420 --> 01:31:33.220
and feeling like separated from people.

1197
01:31:33.220 --> 01:31:34.060
And oh my goodness, you know,

1198
01:31:34.060 --> 01:31:36.860
what about like separation from the community

1199
01:31:36.860 --> 01:31:37.700
and all of that?

1200
01:31:39.140 --> 01:31:43.900
What I kept hearing is when you were talking

1201
01:31:43.900 --> 01:31:47.900
is what God is doing in you right now

1202
01:31:47.900 --> 01:31:51.780
is giving you what you were going to the community for.

1203
01:31:51.780 --> 01:31:55.420
And so he's, because it couldn't give it to you.

1204
01:31:55.420 --> 01:31:57.500
God's like, okay, that's what you want.

1205
01:31:57.500 --> 01:31:58.340
And you've been,

1206
01:31:58.340 --> 01:32:00.700
your heart has been crying out to me for that.

1207
01:32:00.700 --> 01:32:02.420
Then that's what I'm going to give you.

1208
01:32:02.420 --> 01:32:04.260
But it looks different.

1209
01:32:04.260 --> 01:32:05.700
It has a different form

1210
01:32:05.700 --> 01:32:08.260
and comes in a different way than we expected.

1211
01:32:08.260 --> 01:32:11.020
So things like the fact that you're enough for him

1212
01:32:12.020 --> 01:32:14.420
in order for you to know you're enough,

1213
01:32:14.420 --> 01:32:16.420
in order for you to be received,

1214
01:32:16.420 --> 01:32:19.580
in order for you to be appreciated, valued, known,

1215
01:32:19.580 --> 01:32:21.540
not just by the Lord, but by yourself.

1216
01:32:22.580 --> 01:32:24.020
Because there's aspects about yourself

1217
01:32:24.020 --> 01:32:27.060
that you just, you don't know you.

1218
01:32:27.060 --> 01:32:31.660
And you definitely don't trust you, you know, all of that.

1219
01:32:31.660 --> 01:32:36.020
And so we looked for community for all of those things

1220
01:32:36.020 --> 01:32:41.020
and whether or not we realize that that's what we're doing.

1221
01:32:41.460 --> 01:32:43.980
And God's like, okay, that's the real desire of your heart.

1222
01:32:43.980 --> 01:32:45.300
I will give it to you.

1223
01:32:45.300 --> 01:32:46.740
It just looks a little different,

1224
01:32:46.740 --> 01:32:49.580
but he also says, you know,

1225
01:32:49.580 --> 01:32:52.860
you've been abused by community.

1226
01:32:52.860 --> 01:32:54.500
In other words, by people.

1227
01:32:54.500 --> 01:32:58.620
So I am going to pull you away

1228
01:32:58.620 --> 01:33:03.340
from something that you only understand in abuse.

1229
01:33:03.340 --> 01:33:08.140
And I'm not going to allow you to receive something

1230
01:33:08.140 --> 01:33:11.140
from the thing that you only understand in abuse

1231
01:33:11.140 --> 01:33:13.940
and only understand by rejection

1232
01:33:13.940 --> 01:33:18.740
or by then not understanding or valuing

1233
01:33:18.740 --> 01:33:20.180
or appreciating whatever.

1234
01:33:20.180 --> 01:33:24.780
And I'm just talking about this with a broad brush.

1235
01:33:24.780 --> 01:33:25.940
I'm not talking about the fact

1236
01:33:25.940 --> 01:33:28.100
that you've only been abused by people

1237
01:33:28.100 --> 01:33:30.500
and there haven't been any nice people in your life.

1238
01:33:30.500 --> 01:33:31.340
You know what I'm saying.

1239
01:33:31.340 --> 01:33:32.660
I'm just talking in general.

1240
01:33:32.660 --> 01:33:35.020
And God's just like, hey, well, you know,

1241
01:33:35.020 --> 01:33:37.940
I'll pull you away into myself and to do all of that.

1242
01:33:38.860 --> 01:33:41.580
And so that's what I was hearing is I was like,

1243
01:33:41.580 --> 01:33:44.340
I was hearing this is how God intends

1244
01:33:44.340 --> 01:33:46.380
to fulfill the desires of your heart

1245
01:33:46.380 --> 01:33:49.580
that you have cried out to him for.

1246
01:33:49.580 --> 01:33:51.500
And what it can look like now is like,

1247
01:33:51.500 --> 01:33:53.460
well, wait a minute, Lord, I've asked you for this.

1248
01:33:53.460 --> 01:33:54.900
And not only is it not giving me,

1249
01:33:54.900 --> 01:33:56.700
you're like taking it away completely

1250
01:33:56.700 --> 01:33:59.420
and constantly now I'm actually giving you

1251
01:33:59.420 --> 01:34:01.420
what it is that you've been crying out for

1252
01:34:01.420 --> 01:34:05.740
in multiple areas, the multiple things that you've wept.

1253
01:34:05.740 --> 01:34:09.100
I've heard you and I heard you crying at night

1254
01:34:09.100 --> 01:34:12.060
and I saw you crying at night when nobody else did.

1255
01:34:12.060 --> 01:34:15.700
And, you know, for months, if not years on end,

1256
01:34:15.700 --> 01:34:17.700
and I'm going to fulfill it

1257
01:34:17.740 --> 01:34:19.460
and I'm going to provide for it.

1258
01:34:19.460 --> 01:34:20.980
And I'm going to provide for it

1259
01:34:20.980 --> 01:34:25.980
when you feel the most dejected, abandoned and alone.

1260
01:34:26.580 --> 01:34:29.020
When everything seems to have fallen apart

1261
01:34:29.020 --> 01:34:33.860
and you think that I myself have abandoned you,

1262
01:34:33.860 --> 01:34:36.780
where it looked like I was going to make everything happen

1263
01:34:36.780 --> 01:34:40.300
in mediation and then I didn't, you know,

1264
01:34:40.300 --> 01:34:43.500
and now's the time when I'm going to give you all of this.

1265
01:34:43.500 --> 01:34:47.140
So, yeah.

1266
01:34:47.180 --> 01:34:50.100
So, and then there was just one more, huh?

1267
01:34:50.100 --> 01:34:51.140
Yeah, that's so good.

1268
01:34:51.140 --> 01:34:52.300
You can go ahead.

1269
01:34:53.300 --> 01:34:56.580
There was just one more thing that I was going to mention

1270
01:34:56.580 --> 01:34:58.300
back to very beginning.

1271
01:34:59.380 --> 01:35:00.220
And.

1272
01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.200
when you were talking about, you know, you know, like Carrie, you know,

1273
01:35:04.200 --> 01:35:06.960
just like all of these things happened and it was just like,

1274
01:35:07.040 --> 01:35:09.400
everything was in perfect timing, all of these miracles,

1275
01:35:09.640 --> 01:35:13.920
it just seems so evident, et cetera. And, and,

1276
01:35:14.120 --> 01:35:17.400
and yeah, that, that, that can be really,

1277
01:35:17.480 --> 01:35:21.240
really challenging for us to think, okay, wait a minute, Lord, you know,

1278
01:35:21.240 --> 01:35:23.600
all of these things just looked perfect, et cetera.

1279
01:35:24.080 --> 01:35:27.880
But just like it's important for us to

1280
01:35:28.800 --> 01:35:32.760
under understand that what God is,

1281
01:35:32.840 --> 01:35:37.680
is what God desires for us and what he's trying to reveal to

1282
01:35:37.680 --> 01:35:41.520
us when he does all of that is the same thing that I mentioned to Carrie

1283
01:35:41.520 --> 01:35:44.800
several, uh, I guess it was two, at least two,

1284
01:35:44.800 --> 01:35:47.080
if not three months ago on a, on a, um,

1285
01:35:47.120 --> 01:35:51.600
on a community Q and a that God was proving

1286
01:35:52.680 --> 01:35:56.320
what he can do, that he could do it in any time.

1287
01:35:56.600 --> 01:36:00.000
He can make all of these things line up. He can do everything perfectly.

1288
01:36:00.720 --> 01:36:03.920
And so he can do it at any time. And,

1289
01:36:04.160 --> 01:36:07.440
and that this is the type of God that he is.

1290
01:36:07.760 --> 01:36:10.360
And that's what it is that he wants us to hold on to.

1291
01:36:10.640 --> 01:36:15.560
Not what it is that he does, but who exactly it is that he is

1292
01:36:15.920 --> 01:36:19.640
for the same way that God doesn't hold, um,

1293
01:36:20.080 --> 01:36:24.400
doesn't, uh, hold our behavior against us.

1294
01:36:25.040 --> 01:36:29.880
Um, instead he interacts with us according to our identity and his character,

1295
01:36:30.120 --> 01:36:34.320
not according to our behavior. And he calls for us to do the same,

1296
01:36:34.760 --> 01:36:39.200
to hold, to hold onto him and to hold onto his character,

1297
01:36:39.720 --> 01:36:43.040
not his behavior. So he doesn't hold,

1298
01:36:43.400 --> 01:36:46.120
he doesn't withhold things from us based on our behavior.

1299
01:36:46.400 --> 01:36:51.200
So he's asking that we don't withhold ourselves from him

1300
01:36:51.440 --> 01:36:56.560
based on our behavior, because, um, it's actually based on his, um, uh,

1301
01:36:56.600 --> 01:37:01.200
based on it is he wants us to cling to his character and his identity.

1302
01:37:02.200 --> 01:37:03.760
Um, and the,

1303
01:37:04.120 --> 01:37:08.600
and the way that it manifests because buds, yes,

1304
01:37:08.880 --> 01:37:14.040
I say behavior because understand God's God always behaves exactly

1305
01:37:14.080 --> 01:37:17.240
like his, his character. He never acts counter to his character.

1306
01:37:17.240 --> 01:37:21.160
What I'm talking about is how things actually manifest that we're just like,

1307
01:37:21.160 --> 01:37:22.840
Lord, I don't see how that can be good.

1308
01:37:22.880 --> 01:37:26.640
And I don't see how that can be loving, you know, um, I'm talking about that,

1309
01:37:26.640 --> 01:37:31.560
what it is that we see. Um, and, uh,

1310
01:37:31.600 --> 01:37:35.640
so I just wanted to mention that, that he's like, no,

1311
01:37:35.640 --> 01:37:36.880
I want you to know,

1312
01:37:36.880 --> 01:37:40.360
I'm trying to put on display the type of God that I am.

1313
01:37:40.400 --> 01:37:44.400
And I want you to cling to the type of God that I am,

1314
01:37:44.960 --> 01:37:47.760
because it's that, that I'm giving you,

1315
01:37:48.080 --> 01:37:51.280
not all of these things and what,

1316
01:37:51.280 --> 01:37:55.400
and all of these events and that everything works out exactly like this.

1317
01:37:55.440 --> 01:37:58.960
I want you to know who it is that I am and cling to that.

1318
01:37:59.240 --> 01:38:03.680
And then once we know that now watch me, you know,

1319
01:38:04.200 --> 01:38:08.960
come through and do certain things and, um, uh, and, and whatever,

1320
01:38:09.280 --> 01:38:11.360
but he's letting us know that,

1321
01:38:12.200 --> 01:38:17.200
that he can do things in whatever way that he chooses

1322
01:38:17.560 --> 01:38:22.480
and he is not limited by the only ways that we

1323
01:38:22.480 --> 01:38:26.080
can see of getting ourselves out of the situation. Well,

1324
01:38:26.120 --> 01:38:29.360
or that was the last ditch effort or that was the last best.

1325
01:38:29.400 --> 01:38:31.120
And that was the last bet. Well,

1326
01:38:31.440 --> 01:38:35.440
if we also thought how on earth could God come through

1327
01:38:36.320 --> 01:38:37.640
before such and such a time.

1328
01:38:38.000 --> 01:38:42.880
And he lined up multiple things absolutely perfectly and for it

1329
01:38:42.880 --> 01:38:46.360
to happen, then God's just like, exactly. That's the type of God that I am.

1330
01:38:46.720 --> 01:38:50.560
So he's like out of time and space, you know, like where, yeah.

1331
01:38:50.880 --> 01:38:55.880
So he's like, I can, yeah, I can turn the world on its head.

1332
01:38:56.400 --> 01:39:00.160
I mean, there's COVID right. The Lord, not the Lord created COVID.

1333
01:39:00.400 --> 01:39:04.520
My point is that we just never know. God can just do anything, you know,

1334
01:39:04.520 --> 01:39:07.840
turn everything around. And so we don't have to worry that on my word,

1335
01:39:07.840 --> 01:39:08.880
that was the last ditch ever.

1336
01:39:09.320 --> 01:39:11.240
There there's no other way that I can see out of this.

1337
01:39:11.480 --> 01:39:14.360
I can't tell you the number of situations that I've been in the past several

1338
01:39:14.360 --> 01:39:19.360
months that I'm like, okay, Lord, I cannot see any way out of this.

1339
01:39:19.840 --> 01:39:23.680
I do not know. I I've given you all kinds of options, possibilities,

1340
01:39:24.000 --> 01:39:26.280
and I don't see it. And he'll provide something.

1341
01:39:26.320 --> 01:39:30.360
I absolutely did not expect. And I'm like,

1342
01:39:30.360 --> 01:39:32.640
I didn't even know this was an option. He's like, exactly.

1343
01:39:35.480 --> 01:39:37.840
So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you.

1344
01:39:38.680 --> 01:39:40.480
Doesn't it takes the pressure off.

1345
01:39:40.880 --> 01:39:45.640
Yeah, it does. And that what he was doing is he was displaying to you, Hey,

1346
01:39:45.640 --> 01:39:47.920
look, I can do it. Cause I'm that type of God.

1347
01:39:48.320 --> 01:39:53.080
So just let go and let me do it because,

1348
01:39:54.200 --> 01:39:56.280
you know, you don't know.

1349
01:39:56.320 --> 01:39:59.480
And the world doesn't know how I want to accomplish these things.

1350
01:40:00.000 --> 01:40:02.440
Well, then the lawyers only know so much.

1351
01:40:02.440 --> 01:40:04.680
They're very limited on what it is that they understand

1352
01:40:04.680 --> 01:40:07.320
according to the systems that they're operating in.

1353
01:40:07.320 --> 01:40:10.120
He's like, but I operate outside of those systems.

1354
01:40:10.120 --> 01:40:14.480
I don't want my son to feel subject to those systems.

1355
01:40:14.480 --> 01:40:17.520
So I don't want them to mentally and emotionally feel

1356
01:40:17.520 --> 01:40:19.560
that they're subject to that system.

1357
01:40:19.560 --> 01:40:22.040
So it doesn't matter if those systems look like

1358
01:40:22.040 --> 01:40:23.600
they've come to the end of themselves,

1359
01:40:23.600 --> 01:40:26.760
since I'm outside of those systems, so were my sons.

1360
01:40:26.760 --> 01:40:29.000
The sons are exempt.

1361
01:40:29.000 --> 01:40:32.200
And do you remember the, where the ferret,

1362
01:40:32.200 --> 01:40:35.120
the, whoever it was, tax collectors,

1363
01:40:35.120 --> 01:40:37.520
the temple tax collectors were talking to Peter

1364
01:40:37.520 --> 01:40:39.560
and they said, and they asked him,

1365
01:40:39.560 --> 01:40:44.560
did your master pay temple tax?

1366
01:40:44.560 --> 01:40:46.160
And Peter says, well, of course he does.

1367
01:40:46.160 --> 01:40:48.120
So he went into the house and as soon as he did,

1368
01:40:48.120 --> 01:40:51.000
it says that Jesus asked him, he said,

1369
01:40:51.000 --> 01:40:53.320
so Peter, tell me, do you believe,

1370
01:40:53.320 --> 01:40:55.680
he said, who do the kings tax?

1371
01:40:55.680 --> 01:40:58.800
Do they tax their sons or everyone else?

1372
01:40:59.480 --> 01:41:00.720
And Peter says, well, they tax everyone else.

1373
01:41:00.720 --> 01:41:02.760
And Jesus said, exactly.

1374
01:41:02.760 --> 01:41:07.760
The sons are exempt, but so that we don't offend them,

1375
01:41:08.200 --> 01:41:11.080
go pull a fish out of the ocean

1376
01:41:11.080 --> 01:41:13.080
and it will have a four drop coin,

1377
01:41:13.080 --> 01:41:14.920
which will pay for your tax and mine.

1378
01:41:14.920 --> 01:41:17.600
So in other words, Jesus was saying, look,

1379
01:41:17.600 --> 01:41:22.600
if ever the world is requiring something,

1380
01:41:23.880 --> 01:41:26.280
you know, according to its systems,

1381
01:41:26.280 --> 01:41:28.080
the king's sons are exempt

1382
01:41:29.440 --> 01:41:32.800
and God is the one who will pay the tax.

1383
01:41:32.800 --> 01:41:34.480
You don't have to work for it.

1384
01:41:35.600 --> 01:41:37.320
It is outside systems.

1385
01:41:37.320 --> 01:41:41.200
I mean, you know, no one expected to ever get

1386
01:41:41.200 --> 01:41:43.240
a four drop coin out of a fish

1387
01:41:43.240 --> 01:41:45.760
and who knew fish better than Peter?

1388
01:41:45.760 --> 01:41:48.120
I mean, he understood fish, so, and he would,

1389
01:41:48.120 --> 01:41:51.360
it's so, Jesus is just like, no,

1390
01:41:51.360 --> 01:41:53.200
you're not gonna have to do anything for that.

1391
01:41:53.200 --> 01:41:54.280
You're not gonna have to work.

1392
01:41:54.280 --> 01:41:56.160
You're not gonna have to sweat.

1393
01:41:57.000 --> 01:42:00.240
Because the sons are exempt from having to pay

1394
01:42:00.240 --> 01:42:03.800
whatever limitations that the world wants to put on them.

1395
01:42:03.800 --> 01:42:08.800
God, if the world is going to insist on those systems

1396
01:42:08.800 --> 01:42:11.120
and if God wants to work within the system,

1397
01:42:11.120 --> 01:42:15.400
God will be the one to pay and the son won't have to.

1398
01:42:16.520 --> 01:42:18.280
The son's not limited.

1399
01:42:18.280 --> 01:42:19.960
So anyway, I just wanted to encourage you.

1400
01:42:19.960 --> 01:42:21.000
That's so good.

1401
01:42:21.000 --> 01:42:23.320
I feel like you could preach on this tax

1402
01:42:23.360 --> 01:42:26.600
that everyone's talking about.

1403
01:42:26.600 --> 01:42:29.560
Of the tax, yeah, yeah.

1404
01:42:29.560 --> 01:42:33.400
Wow, that's so, so good.

1405
01:42:33.400 --> 01:42:35.840
Well, my mind's blown in a really good way.

1406
01:42:35.840 --> 01:42:40.840
So I don't want to ever in anything that I say ever,

1407
01:42:41.480 --> 01:42:44.120
you know, sound like I'm devaluing the seriousness

1408
01:42:44.120 --> 01:42:48.080
of the situation that you're in and emotionally,

1409
01:42:48.080 --> 01:42:53.080
you know, how despondent and disappointed

1410
01:42:53.440 --> 01:42:56.960
and that you can feel because it says hope deferred

1411
01:42:56.960 --> 01:42:57.880
makes the heart sick.

1412
01:42:57.880 --> 01:42:59.960
I don't ever want it to sound like that.

1413
01:42:59.960 --> 01:43:04.960
I'm just talking in perspectives of a different perspective

1414
01:43:06.600 --> 01:43:09.960
for you to then take to the Lord and say, okay, Lord,

1415
01:43:09.960 --> 01:43:13.720
you know, were you showing me that you were there?

1416
01:43:13.720 --> 01:43:14.880
By everything that happened,

1417
01:43:14.880 --> 01:43:16.840
were you showing me that you were there?

1418
01:43:16.840 --> 01:43:20.640
And I am choosing that that is who my God is.

1419
01:43:20.640 --> 01:43:23.000
My God is the kind of God that would do that kind of thing.

1420
01:43:23.680 --> 01:43:25.840
He's that living, he's that good, he's that generous.

1421
01:43:25.840 --> 01:43:27.440
And if he came through for me,

1422
01:43:27.440 --> 01:43:29.360
then he can come through for me again.

1423
01:43:29.360 --> 01:43:32.080
I don't know why it ended the way that it did.

1424
01:43:32.080 --> 01:43:35.720
I don't know why it manifested in the decision that it did.

1425
01:43:35.720 --> 01:43:38.320
But I also believe that you're outside of time and space

1426
01:43:38.320 --> 01:43:39.680
and you're outside of these systems.

1427
01:43:39.680 --> 01:43:42.920
And I'm choosing that you will do whatever it is

1428
01:43:42.920 --> 01:43:44.840
to protect me and to take care of me

1429
01:43:44.840 --> 01:43:46.240
and guide me and the girls.

1430
01:43:46.240 --> 01:43:51.240
And because you've shown me what kind of love

1431
01:43:51.880 --> 01:43:56.120
and good of God into what links you will and can go.

1432
01:43:57.360 --> 01:43:59.360
And I'm gonna choose that that is the God

1433
01:43:59.360 --> 01:44:01.440
that I'm following into an unknown

1434
01:44:01.440 --> 01:44:02.960
where I have no idea how you're gonna do

1435
01:44:02.960 --> 01:44:03.800
what you're gonna do.

1436
01:44:03.800 --> 01:44:04.720
I don't know what you're gonna do

1437
01:44:04.720 --> 01:44:06.600
and I don't know how you're gonna do it.

1438
01:44:06.600 --> 01:44:10.000
But you've proven to me what you can do

1439
01:44:10.000 --> 01:44:12.520
and how much love and goodness that you are.

1440
01:44:12.520 --> 01:44:15.120
And I'm asking that for the rest of me

1441
01:44:15.120 --> 01:44:17.400
that does not understand, I'm letting you know

1442
01:44:17.400 --> 01:44:22.200
I choose you and I'm gonna choose that you are

1443
01:44:22.200 --> 01:44:24.840
who you say that you are in that degree

1444
01:44:24.840 --> 01:44:27.480
of love and goodness.

1445
01:44:27.480 --> 01:44:29.160
That you're gonna figure something out

1446
01:44:29.160 --> 01:44:30.920
and you're gonna do something.

1447
01:44:30.920 --> 01:44:33.880
But I'm asking you in me having chosen,

1448
01:44:33.880 --> 01:44:36.640
I'm asking that you heal the fact that I'm hurt

1449
01:44:36.640 --> 01:44:39.640
that I did feel abandoned because I don't understand.

1450
01:44:41.240 --> 01:44:46.240
So, because you don't ever wanna devalue or dismiss

1451
01:44:47.440 --> 01:44:49.080
your emotions and your hurt,

1452
01:44:49.080 --> 01:44:51.280
it's very important to acknowledge them to the Lord

1453
01:44:51.280 --> 01:44:52.760
and allow them to feel that.

1454
01:44:52.760 --> 01:44:53.640
Don't you love this?

1455
01:44:53.640 --> 01:44:55.440
Could I be like a 90s girl right now?

1456
01:44:55.440 --> 01:44:57.040
With the way that you're saying?

1457
01:44:57.040 --> 01:44:57.880
You could.

1458
01:44:57.880 --> 01:44:58.720
Yeah.

1459
01:44:58.720 --> 01:44:59.880
That's so funny.

1460
01:45:00.000 --> 01:45:00.920
No, that's so good.

1461
01:45:00.920 --> 01:45:03.520
I told him going into, you know,

1462
01:45:03.520 --> 01:45:06.440
based on what I had been picking up from you

1463
01:45:08.440 --> 01:45:09.280
around that same time,

1464
01:45:09.280 --> 01:45:12.920
I told him that I trusted him

1465
01:45:12.920 --> 01:45:17.400
with however the situation was gonna look

1466
01:45:17.400 --> 01:45:19.320
and however he was gonna fulfill his promises

1467
01:45:19.320 --> 01:45:24.000
that I was banking on his character and not the way.

1468
01:45:24.000 --> 01:45:27.280
And if it was like a tough fall,

1469
01:45:27.280 --> 01:45:29.720
then, you know, and if Sam played games

1470
01:45:29.760 --> 01:45:31.560
and it was just all that,

1471
01:45:31.560 --> 01:45:34.880
or if he changed during mediation

1472
01:45:34.880 --> 01:45:37.680
and there was a miracle that happened

1473
01:45:37.680 --> 01:45:38.880
in the mediation process,

1474
01:45:38.880 --> 01:45:42.920
or, you know, whatever it looked like that I was telling him

1475
01:45:42.920 --> 01:45:44.760
like I choose to trust you

1476
01:45:44.760 --> 01:45:48.360
and I give you like the full reins to write the story

1477
01:45:48.360 --> 01:45:50.600
the way that you see fit,

1478
01:45:50.600 --> 01:45:52.840
like based on who you are and your goodness

1479
01:45:52.840 --> 01:45:53.680
and your character

1480
01:45:53.680 --> 01:45:56.720
and the fact that you promised us redemption.

1481
01:45:57.240 --> 01:46:00.360
So, you know, yeah, I mean, it was still,

1482
01:46:00.360 --> 01:46:02.240
there were still emotions

1483
01:46:02.240 --> 01:46:04.320
that came after the mediation thing.

1484
01:46:05.200 --> 01:46:10.200
That was really a door that just very clearly closed

1485
01:46:10.520 --> 01:46:13.120
which you could see the clarity on that

1486
01:46:13.120 --> 01:46:15.720
and be thankful for clarity

1487
01:46:15.720 --> 01:46:18.080
that it wasn't something that he played.

1488
01:46:18.080 --> 01:46:20.400
You're trying to not laugh right now, aren't you?

1489
01:46:20.400 --> 01:46:22.280
No, I promise I'm not.

1490
01:46:22.280 --> 01:46:23.120
It's just funny.

1491
01:46:23.120 --> 01:46:24.400
It's just funny.

1492
01:46:24.400 --> 01:46:26.840
No, that, you know, he could have played games

1493
01:46:26.840 --> 01:46:28.320
and pretended like he was gonna work with me

1494
01:46:28.320 --> 01:46:29.960
during mediation and dragged it out.

1495
01:46:29.960 --> 01:46:32.560
Like there's other ways it could have gone,

1496
01:46:32.560 --> 01:46:34.880
but it was so cut and dry, so clear,

1497
01:46:34.880 --> 01:46:37.120
so over before it even started.

1498
01:46:37.120 --> 01:46:41.240
And that literally means that the only way

1499
01:46:41.240 --> 01:46:43.160
in terms of like our systems,

1500
01:46:43.160 --> 01:46:44.680
I mean, yes, God could,

1501
01:46:44.680 --> 01:46:46.440
would either do a miracle on his heart

1502
01:46:46.440 --> 01:46:49.960
or that it's just a clear path for us

1503
01:46:49.960 --> 01:46:51.880
that it means a trial.

1504
01:46:51.920 --> 01:46:55.600
And so it's like, I'm letting go of that right now.

1505
01:46:55.600 --> 01:46:58.240
And that's a trust thing to go, okay,

1506
01:46:58.240 --> 01:47:00.000
you know, I'm gonna have to trust

1507
01:47:00.000 --> 01:47:03.520
that you're gonna open up more in the way of,

1508
01:47:03.520 --> 01:47:07.560
should I pursue, you know, legal aid?

1509
01:47:07.560 --> 01:47:08.840
Do you want me to pursue, you know,

1510
01:47:08.840 --> 01:47:12.920
that's been thrown out there to reach out to organizations

1511
01:47:12.920 --> 01:47:16.040
that help, you know, with domestic abuse

1512
01:47:16.040 --> 01:47:20.160
or just various situations where court costs are so high

1513
01:47:20.160 --> 01:47:25.160
and you need assistance to go to something like a trial.

1514
01:47:27.760 --> 01:47:30.320
Do you want me to pursue attorneys

1515
01:47:30.320 --> 01:47:33.680
like trial attorneys and research?

1516
01:47:33.680 --> 01:47:35.720
Do you want me to, you know,

1517
01:47:35.720 --> 01:47:37.520
and part of the thing of like even letting go

1518
01:47:37.520 --> 01:47:39.960
of having any community is like, okay,

1519
01:47:42.080 --> 01:47:47.080
Lord, often a situation like this requires,

1520
01:47:47.800 --> 01:47:49.000
you know, it takes a village, right?

1521
01:47:49.000 --> 01:47:50.880
Like we don't have family here.

1522
01:47:50.880 --> 01:47:53.440
We don't have like,

1523
01:47:53.440 --> 01:47:55.720
we don't have anyone supporting me and the girls

1524
01:47:55.720 --> 01:47:58.320
and the Lord has us.

1525
01:47:58.320 --> 01:48:01.000
And yet when it comes to like community or family

1526
01:48:01.000 --> 01:48:03.040
or village, whatever, it's like,

1527
01:48:03.040 --> 01:48:06.320
do you want us to be alone in a season like this?

1528
01:48:06.320 --> 01:48:08.000
Or is that not a good idea?

1529
01:48:08.000 --> 01:48:09.280
You know what I'm saying?

1530
01:48:09.280 --> 01:48:12.760
To where, and for whatever reason,

1531
01:48:12.760 --> 01:48:14.760
he's kind of saying like,

1532
01:48:15.720 --> 01:48:19.120
I mean, even if it doesn't seem like

1533
01:48:19.120 --> 01:48:20.320
you have as many people around you

1534
01:48:20.320 --> 01:48:24.880
or if I'm moving and shifting your alignments in community,

1535
01:48:24.880 --> 01:48:26.720
it doesn't mean that I'm not gonna take care of you

1536
01:48:26.720 --> 01:48:28.760
through whoever and whomever and however

1537
01:48:29.880 --> 01:48:32.640
that, you know, you need to be taken care of

1538
01:48:32.640 --> 01:48:37.080
because yeah, to hire like a trial attorney,

1539
01:48:37.080 --> 01:48:40.880
you know, as a retainer, it's like $5,000,

1540
01:48:40.880 --> 01:48:45.320
which is not that much to God,

1541
01:48:45.320 --> 01:48:49.320
but it's like, it's right now I'm just resting in,

1542
01:48:49.320 --> 01:48:51.960
not moving in on any of it in the moment

1543
01:48:52.840 --> 01:48:56.680
because within a week of mediation

1544
01:48:56.680 --> 01:48:57.960
and all the grief that came up

1545
01:48:57.960 --> 01:49:00.280
and just like how much I was just crying

1546
01:49:00.280 --> 01:49:02.040
and feeling very sad.

1547
01:49:03.760 --> 01:49:07.240
Then I got on the phone with my cousin

1548
01:49:07.240 --> 01:49:10.080
who is a prosecuting attorney in Florida

1549
01:49:10.080 --> 01:49:11.960
that I don't get to talk to her often.

1550
01:49:11.960 --> 01:49:15.120
And she reached out to me, which is, she never does,

1551
01:49:16.040 --> 01:49:17.960
right when I was thinking about asking her to talk

1552
01:49:17.960 --> 01:49:21.520
and she talked me through like just different things

1553
01:49:21.520 --> 01:49:26.520
to know about the situation, all the legal stuff,

1554
01:49:27.520 --> 01:49:29.800
you know, that we could think of,

1555
01:49:29.800 --> 01:49:32.880
just validating a lot of things, confirming things

1556
01:49:32.880 --> 01:49:35.320
and bringing clarity to things in an hour.

1557
01:49:35.320 --> 01:49:38.280
And then the very same or the very next day,

1558
01:49:38.280 --> 01:49:40.280
I ran into neighbors and my girls were like,

1559
01:49:40.280 --> 01:49:41.640
oh, I wanna go see their dog.

1560
01:49:41.640 --> 01:49:43.200
And so we ran over there

1561
01:49:43.200 --> 01:49:46.960
and literally I'm talking to them.

1562
01:49:46.960 --> 01:49:49.840
She says she's an elementary school counselor

1563
01:49:49.840 --> 01:49:52.120
and somehow maybe that plus the Holy Spirit,

1564
01:49:52.120 --> 01:49:54.400
the girls walked away to play for a minute with the dog

1565
01:49:54.400 --> 01:49:56.440
and somehow it came up that we were just,

1566
01:49:56.440 --> 01:49:59.080
you know, it's been kind of a raw season

1567
01:49:59.080 --> 01:50:00.880
and we're in a, you know, a custody.

1568
01:50:00.000 --> 01:50:05.280
city situation and the husband goes well I actually work for the Illinois Bar Association

1569
01:50:05.840 --> 01:50:12.320
um and he said you know I I'm sitting here thinking of potential you know attorney names that I could

1570
01:50:12.320 --> 01:50:16.560
give you I know there's a lot of rules I have to check with my supervisor because I want to make

1571
01:50:16.560 --> 01:50:23.280
sure I can even refer you to anybody um and if that's within my you know jurisdiction or my

1572
01:50:23.920 --> 01:50:29.600
whatever the word is um with the fact that we we have all these rules but I would like to be able

1573
01:50:29.600 --> 01:50:35.200
to do that and so within a day he sent me a few names of attorneys so it was like that happened

1574
01:50:35.200 --> 01:50:42.880
within 24 hours and then it was like and totally unexpected and then since then it was like I just

1575
01:50:42.880 --> 01:50:46.480
had to kind of let go that was my birthday week and I just was like lord I don't even care and

1576
01:50:46.480 --> 01:50:50.720
he was like no you're gonna celebrate your birthday and so I was like okay I'm just throwing it all

1577
01:50:50.720 --> 01:50:58.320
out for a week you know and just since then there's nothing impressed upon me to pursue so

1578
01:50:58.320 --> 01:51:03.280
it's just sort of out there that like potentially me and the girls you know I mean it's all a big

1579
01:51:03.280 --> 01:51:10.400
thing right I mean whatever way it comes potentially we need we need a trial attorney

1580
01:51:10.400 --> 01:51:16.640
the the funds which again does that mean I pursue you know legal aid does that mean I pursue some

1581
01:51:16.640 --> 01:51:20.800
kind of fundraiser does that mean that we're just gonna drop the money you know that we need and

1582
01:51:20.800 --> 01:51:26.000
whatever I don't know yet um and it's like and then we need to find the right attorney and um

1583
01:51:26.000 --> 01:51:32.480
that's when we would file those are like the two steps is the two steps would be finding the

1584
01:51:33.360 --> 01:51:40.640
the um the finances to put a retainer on and choosing the the attorney uh and just we would

1585
01:51:40.640 --> 01:51:47.840
set a date for trial so that's all him right now you know that's all the lord like where

1586
01:51:47.840 --> 01:51:51.440
that's just pending you know but I also know that

1587
01:51:51.760 --> 01:51:58.640
it was such a clear line in the sand and that doesn't just that's kind of a big leap you know

1588
01:51:58.640 --> 01:52:03.200
like you don't just even emotionally go from okay this door is completely closed and we're going to

1589
01:52:03.200 --> 01:52:09.840
trial to that in a day you know and there's uh you know other things with provision and things

1590
01:52:09.840 --> 01:52:15.920
that that he knows that we need so you know I'm trusting him with the entire thing and just saying

1591
01:52:16.240 --> 01:52:22.000
which is is challenging when you you know feel like it's kind of something I need to work on

1592
01:52:22.000 --> 01:52:28.000
you know but then I don't I don't feel like in this moment that that's where he has me like he's

1593
01:52:28.000 --> 01:52:34.720
not even showing me in this moment that like energy capacity wise that that I have that to give

1594
01:52:34.720 --> 01:52:42.880
and so can I really expect more of myself then I mean just is he expecting more of me can I

1595
01:52:42.880 --> 01:52:49.440
expect more of myself I don't think so you know yes important to just um it's important to

1596
01:52:51.040 --> 01:52:59.280
let go and rest and when we rest we get clarity we get clarity about what it is that god wants

1597
01:52:59.280 --> 01:53:05.840
us to do in the moment um because we're more in tune with the father's heart because we don't

1598
01:53:05.840 --> 01:53:12.800
have all of this noise from the fear of our soul and so we're more in tune with the father's heart

1599
01:53:12.800 --> 01:53:16.880
and when we don't have noise from the fear of our soul we're just like okay so that's what god's

1600
01:53:16.880 --> 01:53:22.720
heart is saying for you know right now and and we and it's easier for us to recognize where our

1601
01:53:22.720 --> 01:53:30.240
peace is at um about what it is we're supposed to follow etc yeah and the night before last um

1602
01:53:30.240 --> 01:53:36.160
I had a dream and I had just really been asking him for for dreams um and kind of just struggling

1603
01:53:36.160 --> 01:53:41.040
with my dream life which this is something we can talk about another time but I just remember how I

1604
01:53:41.040 --> 01:53:47.520
told you that I had just like out of the blue one or two times where I had like a sexual kind of um

1605
01:53:48.320 --> 01:53:53.280
like sensation kind of thing but in my sleep it almost was like a wet dream but there was no

1606
01:53:54.240 --> 01:54:01.920
connection to like anything sexual or anyone or anything like that um well then I mean this is

1607
01:54:01.920 --> 01:54:06.960
definitely not from god but like the past few weeks suddenly I started having these dreams of

1608
01:54:06.960 --> 01:54:15.920
like sexual things um and I was getting frustrated because like I want to be like my heart is just

1609
01:54:15.920 --> 01:54:20.720
I think this dawned on me you know after a couple weeks of you know every couple nights I would end

1610
01:54:20.720 --> 01:54:25.040
up having a dream with something sexual in it out of the blue and I have no sexual like anything

1611
01:54:25.040 --> 01:54:31.920
like that's all cut off nothing like nothing toward myself I don't thoughts I no desire like nothing

1612
01:54:31.920 --> 01:54:39.200
um but I think it was so frustrating because I like so desire to be pure like my heart I mean

1613
01:54:39.200 --> 01:54:43.920
and he's purifying his bride and I feel like my heart is just like was breaking that you know I

1614
01:54:43.920 --> 01:54:50.240
just my desire is to be pure and pure pure of heart you know and in every way and here I don't

1615
01:54:50.240 --> 01:54:54.000
want these dreams that I'm telling him that and I'm asking him and I'm declaring you know

1616
01:54:54.800 --> 01:54:59.360
and asking for you know spirit-filled dreams before I go to sleep and then potentially

1617
01:55:00.000 --> 01:55:01.740
you know, having that still happen.

1618
01:55:01.740 --> 01:55:04.100
And it's like, am I doing something wrong?

1619
01:55:04.100 --> 01:55:05.040
Am I missing something?

1620
01:55:05.040 --> 01:55:06.300
Like, where is this coming from?

1621
01:55:06.300 --> 01:55:08.340
So just asking him and praying.

1622
01:55:08.340 --> 01:55:12.280
But instead, since then, the past couple of nights,

1623
01:55:12.280 --> 01:55:14.580
I had this dream and it was so simple,

1624
01:55:14.580 --> 01:55:15.420
but really profound.

1625
01:55:15.420 --> 01:55:19.340
He said, so I saw a picture of like a flat stake.

1626
01:55:19.340 --> 01:55:21.660
I don't know if you see these on the highway or on the road.

1627
01:55:21.660 --> 01:55:25.620
They're basically those couple of feet high, bendable,

1628
01:55:25.620 --> 01:55:28.900
like they can really be hit by a car

1629
01:55:28.900 --> 01:55:32.220
and come back up, stakes.

1630
01:55:32.220 --> 01:55:34.080
Well, I saw that, I saw a picture of that

1631
01:55:34.080 --> 01:55:35.980
and I heard the word bend

1632
01:55:35.980 --> 01:55:39.580
and I saw like a flat stake bending completely over.

1633
01:55:40.560 --> 01:55:42.780
And then I heard the tipping point.

1634
01:55:43.880 --> 01:55:48.880
And yeah, so I talked to him, you know, the next morning

1635
01:55:49.680 --> 01:55:51.860
and just kind of thinking about, you know,

1636
01:55:51.860 --> 01:55:53.260
about it and praying into it.

1637
01:55:53.260 --> 01:55:55.860
But it's just interesting.

1638
01:55:55.860 --> 01:55:59.660
Like they're cool little things that, you know,

1639
01:56:02.980 --> 01:56:06.700
mark the season and there's definitely, yeah.

1640
01:56:09.540 --> 01:56:10.380
There's a lot.

1641
01:56:12.700 --> 01:56:16.900
Now, as far as the sexual stuff,

1642
01:56:16.900 --> 01:56:21.220
what you can do is you can take charge

1643
01:56:21.740 --> 01:56:26.420
and make a deterrent because you,

1644
01:56:26.420 --> 01:56:29.100
based on your determination, meaning like,

1645
01:56:29.100 --> 01:56:31.140
I don't mean like strength of will.

1646
01:56:31.140 --> 01:56:34.860
I just mean your determination is in your intention

1647
01:56:34.860 --> 01:56:36.980
that, okay, this is how it is.

1648
01:56:36.980 --> 01:56:39.580
And this is because I declare it to be so,

1649
01:56:39.580 --> 01:56:41.700
strictly because I want to.

1650
01:56:41.700 --> 01:56:45.980
And if your heart being in line with your father,

1651
01:56:45.980 --> 01:56:50.340
you have the authority to declare what you,

1652
01:56:50.980 --> 01:56:54.660
to intend to declare something that you intend,

1653
01:56:54.660 --> 01:56:56.980
strictly because you want to.

1654
01:56:56.980 --> 01:57:01.980
And that would be that you are that, you know,

1655
01:57:02.260 --> 01:57:06.340
and you can go through whatever like verbal process

1656
01:57:06.340 --> 01:57:10.700
that you want to about it, but declaring that, you know,

1657
01:57:10.700 --> 01:57:15.700
that you're more than that, this at least, you know,

1658
01:57:16.220 --> 01:57:18.820
more than that, your body is just, is yours

1659
01:57:18.820 --> 01:57:20.860
and is the Lord's and all of that.

1660
01:57:20.860 --> 01:57:24.180
But also sometimes what can help verbalize

1661
01:57:24.180 --> 01:57:26.380
is just like, Lord, you know,

1662
01:57:26.380 --> 01:57:31.340
I declare that anything that has,

1663
01:57:31.340 --> 01:57:35.540
anything that has come against me and try to,

1664
01:57:35.540 --> 01:57:40.540
and anything Lord in me that has changed my DNA,

1665
01:57:40.980 --> 01:57:43.700
anything that has changed my,

1666
01:57:44.740 --> 01:57:46.940
anything that has tried to come against me

1667
01:57:46.940 --> 01:57:51.260
and, you know, enter me, you know,

1668
01:57:51.260 --> 01:57:55.540
like, you know, evil spirits or whatever,

1669
01:57:55.540 --> 01:57:57.780
you know, through things like all of these dreams

1670
01:57:57.780 --> 01:58:01.380
and the fact that, you know, you're being bodily triggered

1671
01:58:01.380 --> 01:58:03.020
when you're not doing anything, you know,

1672
01:58:03.020 --> 01:58:04.380
that kind of a thing.

1673
01:58:04.380 --> 01:58:06.500
Those can be like evil spirit,

1674
01:58:06.500 --> 01:58:11.460
like those can be like spiritual attacks,

1675
01:58:11.460 --> 01:58:12.900
you know, obviously.

1676
01:58:12.940 --> 01:58:17.260
And so Lord, anything that has made an attempt,

1677
01:58:17.260 --> 01:58:20.420
anything Lord that has entered me

1678
01:58:20.420 --> 01:58:23.900
and that has changed me in any way, changed my DNA,

1679
01:58:23.900 --> 01:58:27.860
you know, through bodily fluids,

1680
01:58:27.860 --> 01:58:31.820
through, you know, genes, Lord,

1681
01:58:31.820 --> 01:58:34.100
that I have inherited from my ancestors

1682
01:58:34.100 --> 01:58:35.900
and things that they agreed with,

1683
01:58:35.900 --> 01:58:39.980
Lord, any agreements that I have made in sexual fantasies

1684
01:58:39.980 --> 01:58:41.180
or in, you know, whatever,

1685
01:58:41.180 --> 01:58:42.620
you just kind of come up with some things.

1686
01:58:43.340 --> 01:58:44.380
You don't have to go through this grocery list

1687
01:58:44.380 --> 01:58:46.180
to make sure that you cover everything.

1688
01:58:46.180 --> 01:58:48.580
You just think what comes up in my spirit

1689
01:58:48.580 --> 01:58:51.460
and you take charge of the situation

1690
01:58:51.460 --> 01:58:54.100
strictly because you determine it to be so.

1691
01:58:54.100 --> 01:58:58.100
You're not asking for permission because you don't have to.

1692
01:58:58.100 --> 01:59:00.060
God gave you the authority to decide

1693
01:59:00.060 --> 01:59:01.660
what it is that you want in that area

1694
01:59:01.660 --> 01:59:03.180
and to declare it to be so.

1695
01:59:03.180 --> 01:59:04.700
And you declare it that to the Lord

1696
01:59:04.700 --> 01:59:07.100
and it will change in the spirit.

1697
01:59:07.100 --> 01:59:08.980
And you declare that, you know,

1698
01:59:08.980 --> 01:59:09.820
any agreements-

1699
01:59:09.980 --> 01:59:11.340
like anything that's entered

1700
01:59:11.340 --> 01:59:13.820
and, you know, listing those whatever few things.

1701
01:59:13.820 --> 01:59:18.820
And then from there, you know, what do you say from there?

1702
01:59:19.740 --> 01:59:21.380
Yeah, and then from there, you know,

1703
01:59:21.380 --> 01:59:23.020
just declaring to the Lord, you know, Lord,

1704
01:59:23.020 --> 01:59:25.860
anything, any agreements that I have made,

1705
01:59:25.860 --> 01:59:29.220
any agreements that, you know, my ancestors have made,

1706
01:59:29.220 --> 01:59:30.900
you know, anything like that,

1707
01:59:32.340 --> 01:59:34.380
that I, that you've inherited some of that

1708
01:59:34.380 --> 01:59:36.620
through your genes, in your DNA,

1709
01:59:36.620 --> 01:59:38.900
agreements that your ancestors have made

1710
01:59:38.940 --> 01:59:42.340
that they did not overcome, get passed down,

1711
01:59:42.340 --> 01:59:44.860
just like we can pass things down to our children.

1712
01:59:44.860 --> 01:59:45.700
You know, and that's-

1713
01:59:45.700 --> 01:59:46.860
I wondered if you thought that was real

1714
01:59:46.860 --> 01:59:48.820
because so many people, I mean, that I,

1715
01:59:48.820 --> 01:59:50.860
and, you know, among people that I follow,

1716
01:59:50.860 --> 01:59:53.420
which is few, are talking about, you know,

1717
01:59:53.420 --> 01:59:56.860
things like bloodlines and generational stuff.

1718
01:59:56.860 --> 01:59:58.780
Not all the time, but they mention it

1719
01:59:58.780 --> 02:00:00.580
and they talk, you know, they share.

1720
02:00:00.000 --> 02:00:05.760
it. Yeah, because we're more than body. And you know, we're, we're, we're spirit and soul and all

1721
02:00:05.760 --> 02:00:11.680
of that. And, and so in, in things manifest, what the body is, is the manifestation of,

1722
02:00:12.560 --> 02:00:21.120
of, you know, what it is soul believes. And so it can, so our body can physically change,

1723
02:00:21.120 --> 02:00:27.840
just like our emotions can physically express themselves in our body, not just by how we feel,

1724
02:00:27.840 --> 02:00:32.800
you know, and as we react, because, you know, our, our, we start like breathing faster or whatever,

1725
02:00:32.800 --> 02:00:39.120
but like literally stress can be created in our body and then manifest as sickness.

1726
02:00:39.120 --> 02:00:44.880
They say that 99% of, of, of sicknesses come from stress. Where does stress come from? Stress comes

1727
02:00:44.880 --> 02:00:49.360
from the fact that we believe something to be true. It doesn't even have to be a real threat.

1728
02:00:49.360 --> 02:00:54.880
It's just all in our mind. And so whatever, whether the body believes that it's whether,

1729
02:00:54.880 --> 02:01:02.720
you know, our soul believes that it is under threat physically or, or, or, you know, I don't

1730
02:01:02.720 --> 02:01:08.080
know, psychologically, whatever the body will manifest as stress and it will manifest in a

1731
02:01:08.080 --> 02:01:17.360
sickness. So it makes, and that can get, that can actually change and rewrite aspects of our,

1732
02:01:18.320 --> 02:01:24.800
to just speak in simplistic terms of our DNA. And that includes any agreements that we've made

1733
02:01:24.960 --> 02:01:31.360
by our belief system you know, that in agreements that we've made related to sexuality, you know,

1734
02:01:31.360 --> 02:01:37.360
that ancestors or whatever. And so then in our DNA, we all know gets passed down to the children.

1735
02:01:37.360 --> 02:01:44.720
So, I mean, so that, so anyway, the point is that you know, to just claim that whatever,

1736
02:01:44.720 --> 02:01:53.120
in other words, you're taking responsibility, not blame responsibility for what it is that

1737
02:01:53.120 --> 02:01:58.080
you've inherited and what it is that you've agreed to, that you agreed to that was new and

1738
02:01:58.080 --> 02:02:03.120
that you inherited because your ancestors agreed to, because you have all of it. And you may not

1739
02:02:03.120 --> 02:02:08.560
be at fault for these things. Some things, you know, you intentionally agree to some,

1740
02:02:08.560 --> 02:02:12.080
you unintentionally agree to, and some things just came upon you because you were born to your

1741
02:02:12.080 --> 02:02:17.760
family. So just because we're taking responsibility for something like a broken arm, if someone breaks

1742
02:02:17.760 --> 02:02:21.120
our arm, we're the one who has to take responsibility for it. And the fact that we were

1743
02:02:21.120 --> 02:02:24.880
the ones who have to go to the doctor and get it fixed. We're the ones who have to be

1744
02:02:24.880 --> 02:02:29.920
inconvenienced, right? That's what taking responsibility is, is taking responsibility

1745
02:02:29.920 --> 02:02:37.600
to get it fixed, not absorbing blame or, or fault. So that's what I'm saying. You know,

1746
02:02:37.600 --> 02:02:42.960
you're taking ownership of that, of whatever, you know, is going on that, that, that where,

1747
02:02:43.680 --> 02:02:49.520
where the devil feels that he and believes that legally he has access or is trying to,

1748
02:02:50.160 --> 02:02:56.080
trying to, um, uh, uh, make you believe that you have, uh, he has access, whatever,

1749
02:02:56.720 --> 02:02:59.920
you know, and you're just taking charge of that. And you're just saying, it doesn't matter what

1750
02:02:59.920 --> 02:03:03.600
has happened. It doesn't matter what I've agreed to. It does not matter what my answer says that

1751
02:03:03.600 --> 02:03:10.800
have agreed to Lord. I renounce all of it. I completely break off and sever any agreements

1752
02:03:10.800 --> 02:03:15.120
that I have made any agreements that my answers was made. And I just declare them to be completely

1753
02:03:15.120 --> 02:03:22.880
broken. And the, the words are not magic. I'm just, I'm just talking here. So, um, the, the,

1754
02:03:22.880 --> 02:03:28.160
the whole point is the intentionality. All of this can happen without you saying anything.

1755
02:03:28.160 --> 02:03:32.880
And you could say in your head, you could say it out loud, whatever it, the, the, the whole,

1756
02:03:32.880 --> 02:03:38.560
in the whole point of saying something is just to help your soul track along with what you're doing.

1757
02:03:39.120 --> 02:03:43.760
So that, because it's, it's your soul, that's making the intention and declaring what it is

1758
02:03:44.720 --> 02:03:49.520
that's going on here. And, um, and you just declared God, God, this is how it is.

1759
02:03:49.520 --> 02:03:54.000
And he honors that. He's like, okay. Um, as you said, so shall it be.

1760
02:03:55.200 --> 02:04:00.400
And that means that nothing can come against you. Satan can't come against you. You can't

1761
02:04:00.400 --> 02:04:06.720
come against yourself and condemn blame and yourself or feel bad or, or anything. And, um,

1762
02:04:06.720 --> 02:04:14.720
and also you can also talk about, uh, this also might help you, um, kind of, uh, focus your

1763
02:04:14.720 --> 02:04:20.480
intention and talk about the fact that, you know, uh, you know, and declare that there, there is

1764
02:04:20.480 --> 02:04:32.080
nothing that there, there, that you can be triggered by, um, you know, to, to go down a,

1765
02:04:32.080 --> 02:04:40.080
a sexually lustful road, or, uh, have, have, uh, be triggered into having particular fantasies

1766
02:04:40.080 --> 02:04:46.640
or be triggered into having, um, you know, these dreams where you, you're not intending any of

1767
02:04:46.640 --> 02:04:50.720
these things to happen. And these things are coming against you and whatever, you know,

1768
02:04:50.720 --> 02:04:55.600
that there's nothing within you that. I feel like there's a fear. The fear has been,

1769
02:04:55.600 --> 02:04:59.760
the biggest fear has been that I'm bad. That's the been the fear has been.

1770
02:05:00.000 --> 02:05:06.320
shame that what if I'm bad like I've told you this I think at the very beginning like what if I'm on

1771
02:05:06.320 --> 02:05:13.200
somehow on the enemy's side and I don't know it like wouldn't people tell me I mean wouldn't you

1772
02:05:13.200 --> 02:05:19.280
tell me like if you saw something in me that I mean anybody you know right like wouldn't

1773
02:05:19.280 --> 02:05:24.720
people in my life tell me like how would how would I be tricked into thinking I'm good when I'm bad

1774
02:05:24.720 --> 02:05:29.760
like and scripture says that like a good tree can only bear good fruit and a bad tree can

1775
02:05:29.760 --> 02:05:34.960
only bear bad fruit so that's been part of you know what's helped me like rationally even think

1776
02:05:34.960 --> 02:05:41.120
through that doesn't but certain times like when a trigger comes up that's still there's a little

1777
02:05:41.120 --> 02:05:48.560
hint of this fear that I'm bad and when I think about like the sexual dreams like perhaps that's

1778
02:05:48.560 --> 02:05:54.800
to try to like shame me toward thinking I'm bad right you know like that's sort of connected

1779
02:05:55.360 --> 02:06:00.320
yeah well if the Lord says that you're not then you're not and you can declare yourself to be so

1780
02:06:00.880 --> 02:06:04.480
right it's like I you know when I'm talking about all of this declaration because

1781
02:06:05.440 --> 02:06:13.920
your world is framed up by what it is that you declare is true period so even if you disagree

1782
02:06:13.920 --> 02:06:20.480
with God your world has been framed up by whatever lie it is that you believe so if God

1783
02:06:20.480 --> 02:06:26.960
says that you're good then you don't have then the only and then you uh God knows it Satan knows

1784
02:06:26.960 --> 02:06:32.240
that you're the only one who doesn't know it even Satan knows it so therefore and God has given you

1785
02:06:32.240 --> 02:06:39.120
the power to declare things to be so and that way if you say so then so shall it be and even better

1786
02:06:39.120 --> 02:06:45.040
in the fact that he's the one who said first so you're repeating his words back back to him and

1787
02:06:46.560 --> 02:06:53.120
so you declare in all of this declaration you you declare that you know Lord I am righteous

1788
02:06:53.120 --> 02:07:00.720
I am holy because I say so and now he said it first so you're repeating it back so you're not

1789
02:07:00.720 --> 02:07:06.080
like coming up with something out of nothing but you're but the the point of saying no because I

1790
02:07:06.080 --> 02:07:16.000
say so is is kind of acknowledging what the Lord says that I have power and authority and that if I

1791
02:07:16.000 --> 02:07:24.080
say so then the devil has to listen nothing can come against me because I say so um there there's

1792
02:07:24.080 --> 02:07:29.760
some kind of uh there's and what that's doing is it's honoring what it is the Lord has said about

1793
02:07:29.760 --> 02:07:37.520
you so uh uh anyway and then and then again I declare that I I recommend that you declare

1794
02:07:37.520 --> 02:07:44.720
that anything that comes against you will have no resonance with you that there's nothing for

1795
02:07:44.720 --> 02:07:52.160
it to trigger because there's no same frequency you do not have a frequency in you that anything

1796
02:07:52.160 --> 02:07:58.560
that would try to come against you and trigger you and tempt you or cause you to respond you know in

1797
02:07:58.560 --> 02:08:04.560
your soul or in your body or whatever it will have nothing that it can find resonance with and

1798
02:08:04.560 --> 02:08:10.640
you declare that to be true you declare it and you go on you don't ask for permission you don't ask

1799
02:08:10.640 --> 02:08:17.920
that it be honored you don't you don't ask for anything you say that it's so and and because that

1800
02:08:17.920 --> 02:08:24.160
is choosing to act in faith that if God says it's true then it's true because if God says it's true

1801
02:08:24.160 --> 02:08:28.720
well then all you have to do is say it and it's done and you can go on so you don't have to like

1802
02:08:29.680 --> 02:08:36.000
the longer that I've found that personally I mull over something in my soul and often the longer

1803
02:08:36.000 --> 02:08:40.720
that I pray the more that I pray myself out of faith the more I pray myself out of believing

1804
02:08:40.720 --> 02:08:45.760
and that's why I have to keep going because the whole point in talking is for your soul anyway

1805
02:08:46.640 --> 02:08:52.320
it's to help it track with your intention it's helped to give your intention a bit of guidance

1806
02:08:52.320 --> 02:08:57.600
of what it is that you're determining what it is that you're wanting and and give it and give your

1807
02:08:57.600 --> 02:09:03.440
intention a particular direction to go but other than that there's no point you don't have to

1808
02:09:03.440 --> 02:09:07.760
actually say it out loud it just kind of gives your intention something to grab ahold of so you

1809
02:09:07.760 --> 02:09:17.360
can guide it to actually hit the mark of what you intend to accomplish um and uh but anyway yeah

1810
02:09:17.360 --> 02:09:25.600
so awesome but that's what I'm saying is that I recommend that you don't pray and declare all of

1811
02:09:25.600 --> 02:09:33.280
this too long and like come up with this big long grocery list because you can start talking you can

1812
02:09:33.280 --> 02:09:39.680
you can start stopping to believe yourself if you just come in and boom and you just get it done and

1813
02:09:39.680 --> 02:09:46.160
you move on you didn't give yourself time to talk yours to to stop believing it yeah

1814
02:09:47.840 --> 02:09:53.040
get in there and get it get it done yeah it doesn't move on and it doesn't matter what

1815
02:09:53.040 --> 02:09:58.000
happens after then you just continue to learn this is what's true and it doesn't matter if

1816
02:09:58.000 --> 02:10:00.000
there's if there's evidence to the contrary

1817
02:10:00.000 --> 02:10:06.840
It doesn't matter if you were to declare all of this tonight, because, um, and in the end,

1818
02:10:06.840 --> 02:10:12.200
something were to happen tonight, you know, and you're like, oh my word, you don't go

1819
02:10:12.200 --> 02:10:14.840
back to the whole, oh my goodness, here it goes again.

1820
02:10:14.840 --> 02:10:15.840
That thing has no place.

1821
02:10:15.840 --> 02:10:20.320
And you continue to declare what so, because the wind and the waves do not tell you what

1822
02:10:20.320 --> 02:10:21.320
is true.

1823
02:10:21.320 --> 02:10:25.920
You tell it what is true and it will eventually come in alignment with it.

1824
02:10:25.920 --> 02:10:26.920
Right.

1825
02:10:26.920 --> 02:10:27.920
That's so good.

1826
02:10:27.920 --> 02:10:29.800
No, you gave me so many tools.

1827
02:10:29.800 --> 02:10:34.440
My friend was saying the other night, she was like, I think it was a book, um, called

1828
02:10:34.440 --> 02:10:39.840
spirit wars, but I guess, I think it's Chris Valentin, but he, he says in there that if

1829
02:10:39.840 --> 02:10:44.800
anything were to like attack that he would, there was a story about how I don't know if

1830
02:10:44.800 --> 02:10:49.640
it was him or someone else, but he would just basically wake up and say, oh, it's just like,

1831
02:10:49.640 --> 02:10:50.640
yeah, yeah.

1832
02:10:50.640 --> 02:10:51.640
Yeah.

1833
02:10:51.640 --> 02:10:52.640
Oh, I remember reading that.

1834
02:10:52.640 --> 02:10:53.640
Okay.

1835
02:10:53.640 --> 02:10:59.640
I didn't remember which book of his that was in, but I remember it's just, okay, whatever.

1836
02:11:00.480 --> 02:11:03.880
You know, like don't even give it any thought or credence or anything.

1837
02:11:03.880 --> 02:11:07.680
And like you said, I like, I really like the phrasing, not that it's all about the words,

1838
02:11:07.680 --> 02:11:11.360
but just the concept of like, this doesn't even resonate.

1839
02:11:11.360 --> 02:11:13.600
Like there's no resonance whatsoever.

1840
02:11:13.600 --> 02:11:14.600
Can't trigger me.

1841
02:11:14.600 --> 02:11:20.240
And it can't, um, impact me because we're not even on the same frequency at all.

1842
02:11:20.240 --> 02:11:21.440
So that's like really good.

1843
02:11:21.440 --> 02:11:22.440
That's so good.

1844
02:11:22.440 --> 02:11:23.440
All of it's so good.

1845
02:11:23.440 --> 02:11:24.440
So, wow.

1846
02:11:24.440 --> 02:11:27.440
Thank you so much, girl.

1847
02:11:28.240 --> 02:11:30.800
I don't even, wow.

1848
02:11:30.800 --> 02:11:35.800
That's just like divine wisdom between what's in my head and on my notes and just the whole,

1849
02:11:35.800 --> 02:11:36.800
the whole thing.

1850
02:11:36.800 --> 02:11:42.560
There's so much gold and like so many nuggets that the Lord knew, because I didn't even

1851
02:11:42.560 --> 02:11:43.560
totally know.

1852
02:11:43.560 --> 02:11:45.600
I just was like, I miss her and, you know, want to connect.

1853
02:11:45.600 --> 02:11:53.360
And so, yeah, I know I'm not on Facebook, um, but I, I still like when I get on, it's

1854
02:11:53.360 --> 02:11:58.040
like specifically to go to a teaching and I'm like with blinders, I'm like, I can't

1855
02:11:58.040 --> 02:11:59.040
see anything else.

1856
02:11:59.040 --> 02:12:00.040
No notifications.

1857
02:12:00.040 --> 02:12:01.040
Cause it's so overwhelming.

1858
02:12:01.040 --> 02:12:06.640
And especially right now, the climate with the election and everything, it's like, ah,

1859
02:12:06.640 --> 02:12:11.040
but, um, but yeah, I would love to know, like, I feel like especially I thought that came

1860
02:12:11.040 --> 02:12:15.160
to me earlier, which I know we've talked on a lot about other things, but just when we

1861
02:12:15.160 --> 02:12:20.240
were talking earlier about, um, just really saying yes to the season, seeing the beauty

1862
02:12:20.240 --> 02:12:26.880
and how it's, it's really, you know, precious and, um, just him calling me, you know, away

1863
02:12:26.880 --> 02:12:33.480
and, and just not being so much in, in the social and in the community and stuff like

1864
02:12:33.480 --> 02:12:34.480
that.

1865
02:12:34.480 --> 02:12:43.880
Um, I feel like it would be really helpful to have a couple of like, you know, anchors

1866
02:12:43.880 --> 02:12:48.480
like in terms of, um, conversation.

1867
02:12:48.480 --> 02:12:52.000
And I don't know, I don't know what that looks like, but I just would love to, to know like

1868
02:12:52.000 --> 02:12:56.120
what it could look like for us to talk on a regular basis, like whatever that looks

1869
02:12:56.120 --> 02:13:01.680
like, especially in a season like this, because yeah, I'm going from being so highly relational

1870
02:13:01.680 --> 02:13:04.640
and so like outward to this.

1871
02:13:04.640 --> 02:13:07.000
And I feel like it's a really, it's a, it is a big shift.

1872
02:13:07.000 --> 02:13:12.620
It's part of still this like rest shift and coming into his love and identity stuff.

1873
02:13:12.620 --> 02:13:17.180
And I, I, I don't want to like isolate either.

1874
02:13:17.180 --> 02:13:20.060
And I feel like there's so much wisdom here and just in our relationship.

1875
02:13:20.060 --> 02:13:25.580
So whether that meant, you know, um, Marco Polo is better, or like if you would be willing

1876
02:13:25.580 --> 02:13:30.700
to do like a weekly thing, or if that's too much, like every couple or, you know, just

1877
02:13:30.700 --> 02:13:38.060
something where I think that we could, could be just, um, yeah, just a good solid thing.

1878
02:13:38.060 --> 02:13:43.020
Not that I'm like leaning on or relying on you, but just as I'm alone with him kind of

1879
02:13:43.020 --> 02:13:49.260
checking in on these, you know, the shifting into rest and just the things that are changing

1880
02:13:49.260 --> 02:13:53.060
and hearing the perspective because you hear it and then you hear it and then you hear

1881
02:13:53.060 --> 02:13:54.060
it.

1882
02:13:54.060 --> 02:13:59.060
And then like, as I'm living it out, it changes as you know, like the, the things that are

1883
02:13:59.060 --> 02:14:04.980
going on, you know, in your world or your circumstances or thoughts, it changes.

1884
02:14:04.980 --> 02:14:11.940
And what I hear you saying in like a teaching and there's a different application or a way

1885
02:14:11.940 --> 02:14:12.940
of applying it.

1886
02:14:12.940 --> 02:14:18.340
So yeah, I can still like prioritize being on, on Thursday nights.

1887
02:14:18.340 --> 02:14:23.380
So I don't mean for you to like necessarily need to give me your own conversation, but

1888
02:14:23.380 --> 02:14:28.660
I do feel like on some level, it would help to know that like, there's something consistent

1889
02:14:28.660 --> 02:14:37.860
there to where I'm not in isolation as I shift and kind of pull away back and yeah.

1890
02:14:37.860 --> 02:14:38.860
Yeah.

1891
02:14:38.860 --> 02:14:39.860
Yeah.

1892
02:14:39.860 --> 02:14:40.860
Always feel free.

1893
02:14:40.860 --> 02:14:47.060
And, you know, to reach out and, and, and, you know, we just would just, you know, just,

1894
02:14:47.060 --> 02:14:52.940
I would, I would say that just, um, reach out, you know, as, um, you know, as you need

1895
02:14:52.940 --> 02:14:59.900
to, um, and we just, you know, just see, you know, just let it just happen.

1896
02:15:00.000 --> 02:15:05.440
kind of like organically as opposed to like scheduled or stilted or structured or whatever.

1897
02:15:05.440 --> 02:15:08.160
So based on, you know, because you might have different needs.

1898
02:15:09.440 --> 02:15:10.400
That's true. Yeah.

1899
02:15:13.360 --> 02:15:14.400
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

1900
02:15:15.040 --> 02:15:22.000
So I won't be like bothering you though if I do check in, you know, if it's like weekly or,

1901
02:15:22.000 --> 02:15:23.520
you know. No, you'll be fine.

1902
02:15:24.160 --> 02:15:24.960
Okay. Okay.

1903
02:15:26.320 --> 02:15:28.080
All right. Thank you, friend.

1904
02:15:28.080 --> 02:15:28.880
You're welcome.

1905
02:15:30.000 --> 02:15:31.840
So good to get to catch up with you.

1906
02:15:32.480 --> 02:15:34.480
Yes, you too. You too.

1907
02:15:34.480 --> 02:15:40.720
I'm just, I have so much now to chew on and take with me and I'm just super blessed.

1908
02:15:41.600 --> 02:15:44.000
Very, very blessed by our conversation and time.

1909
02:15:44.000 --> 02:15:44.960
So I'm glad.

1910
02:15:44.960 --> 02:15:46.160
Me too. Me too.

1911
02:15:46.160 --> 02:15:48.080
Always a pleasure to get to visit with you.

1912
02:15:48.080 --> 02:15:52.320
And I never told you this, but you know, you remind me of Sandra Bullock.

1913
02:15:53.120 --> 02:15:55.040
Really? Oh my gosh.

1914
02:15:55.040 --> 02:15:56.240
I can see that.

1915
02:15:56.240 --> 02:15:58.320
She's got dark, dark, yeah.

1916
02:15:59.040 --> 02:15:59.440
Dark hair.

1917
02:16:02.800 --> 02:16:04.400
Is it called doppelganger?

1918
02:16:06.160 --> 02:16:06.640
Yeah. Okay.

1919
02:16:08.160 --> 02:16:10.480
Do people give you one? I'm trying to think.

1920
02:16:10.480 --> 02:16:11.440
What have you heard?

1921
02:16:11.440 --> 02:16:14.640
But I don't remember who that is because it's been so long.

1922
02:16:16.240 --> 02:16:19.360
When I had it, when I applied it in blonde hair, it was Elsa.

1923
02:16:19.360 --> 02:16:21.040
I know she's a fake person.

1924
02:16:21.040 --> 02:16:24.400
I know she's an animated person, but I was getting that.

1925
02:16:24.400 --> 02:16:27.440
Oh yeah. I played Elsa one time for a three-year-old birthday party.

1926
02:16:28.720 --> 02:16:29.220
Yeah.

1927
02:16:29.920 --> 02:16:30.720
I can see that.

1928
02:16:30.720 --> 02:16:34.639
Once, it was at first I said no.

1929
02:16:34.639 --> 02:16:37.200
And a week later I gave in and I felt guilty.

1930
02:16:37.200 --> 02:16:38.559
Oh, that's funny.

1931
02:16:40.559 --> 02:16:45.120
There's somebody that they've told me, but I don't remember who it is.

1932
02:16:46.160 --> 02:16:48.160
Anyway, because it's been a few years since I've heard it.

1933
02:16:48.160 --> 02:16:48.959
Yeah. I don't remember.

1934
02:16:48.959 --> 02:16:49.600
There's, yeah.

1935
02:16:50.240 --> 02:16:52.559
Well, I look at you and I'm always like, she's so beautiful.

1936
02:16:52.559 --> 02:16:54.080
Like every time I'm always like, oh my gosh.

1937
02:16:54.080 --> 02:16:55.920
She's so sweet.

1938
02:16:55.920 --> 02:16:56.559
Seriously.

1939
02:16:57.440 --> 02:16:58.799
I'm going to call you every day.

1940
02:16:59.760 --> 02:17:00.719
No, it's true though.

1941
02:17:00.719 --> 02:17:02.799
I don't say it out loud because I don't want to be weird.

1942
02:17:04.320 --> 02:17:05.040
Oh my gosh.

1943
02:17:05.040 --> 02:17:06.080
She's so beautiful.

1944
02:17:06.080 --> 02:17:10.080
She looks, I always notice your, you know, your makeup, your hair, your outfit.

1945
02:17:10.080 --> 02:17:10.580
Thank you.

1946
02:17:11.200 --> 02:17:11.760
Thank you.

1947
02:17:11.760 --> 02:17:12.639
I appreciate it.

1948
02:17:14.080 --> 02:17:14.799
All right, girl.

1949
02:17:14.799 --> 02:17:16.480
Get some rest and sleep.

1950
02:17:16.480 --> 02:17:22.000
I enjoy being home in Texas for a little short while and Asheville is going to be so fun.

1951
02:17:22.000 --> 02:17:22.719
Yes, I'm looking forward to it.

1952
02:17:22.719 --> 02:17:24.320
It sounds like a great place to go.

1953
02:17:24.400 --> 02:17:28.000
If there's ever a time along the way, which I mean, I trust that there will be,

1954
02:17:28.559 --> 02:17:31.360
he'll show us, but you're, you're so welcome here.

1955
02:17:31.360 --> 02:17:32.160
Thank you.

1956
02:17:32.160 --> 02:17:33.120
I would love to.

1957
02:17:33.760 --> 02:17:38.879
You would want to maybe explore Chicago or St. Louis or, I mean, not that we're in them,

1958
02:17:38.879 --> 02:17:40.240
but those are near cities.

1959
02:17:41.920 --> 02:17:42.879
Things are good.

1960
02:17:42.879 --> 02:17:44.320
I'll remember that.

1961
02:17:44.320 --> 02:17:45.200
I know, right?

1962
02:17:46.320 --> 02:17:46.799
Yes.

1963
02:17:46.799 --> 02:17:47.920
I hope you sleep well.

1964
02:17:47.920 --> 02:17:48.639
Great.

1965
02:17:48.639 --> 02:17:49.040
Too.

1966
02:17:49.040 --> 02:17:49.600
Love you, girl.

1967
02:17:50.160 --> 02:17:50.660
Bye.

1968
02:17:51.120 --> 02:17:51.620
Bye.